TigerBelly - Episode 69: Michael Rosenbaum and Other Big Things

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

Rosey has tiny nipples. Bobo uses Wikipedia to lie. Khaloko has 3 strays. We talk hotdogs on a bun, Grandpa Lou, and massage parlours.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Five four three two, when we were young Yes, when we Mike Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly. I'm your captain Bobby Lee. We've got Kaleila. We got Gilbert We got Georgetown pink dick USA Hollywood nights. What's up, dog? Oh You're all day dog urban Bob and urban Bobby's here and I am very excited today because we have a very special guest now, um, I did a movie years ago

Laughing excuse me. Why are you not laughing? I'm happy. Oh, because I think it's the most underrated overlooked movie of all time I think it's up there with Forrest Gump. Godfather to it for us. Wow, seven samurai. Wow And it was movie was called kicking it old school and it was with the white to share a Mephune Jamie Kennedy And we and the guy that played the evil villain in the movie For the listeners at home Someone farted Michael Rosenbaum give rock Michael Rosenbaum Could I say something before we're so light, but that one was deep and angry. Yeah, I You have yeah, yeah, you fart a lot. I do fart a lot

My friends though, they don't understand why my most of mine don't smell yet They don't smell like like Rosenbaum. Honestly, I'd kill you as a friend I'd murder you if you're fart smoke because you fart so often. Yeah, but maybe because it's you never hold it that it actually never Develops a sense. Never hold it. Just let it go. Yeah That's a great theory if you hold it the air inside your body gets mixed in with the shit Well, and that's why it smells the same shoot. You might be Yeah Do you guys fart in front of each other? No, I don't he does all day long

Did you not fart the other night like three weeks ago when the other night when you were in the bathroom? Remember we brought it up. Oh, I was in the bathroom. God forbid. That's where people usually fart Bobby And also, I know I mentioned this in the other podcast I think last week or the week before I she didn't flush the toilet. So I saw one of her sheds again on my toilet It wasn't it was it was been it had been there for so long that it broke apart You know, you know me. So now you have like it's like a sea of shit like a Asteroids like asteroids Just a scene

Rosie was telling me that he His ex your He didn't say the movie that we did kicking at old school. Oh, you did with Jamie Kennedy and Maria Munoz You know and that other guy was a black guy's name. Oh my god. What was his name? Miguel Nunoz. Yes, not Miguel Nunoz, right? I ran into him at the airport ones and he barely said hello to me I think you said one time on set man. I'm never doing another Jamie Kennedy movie Miguel Nunoz said he goes

Jamie Kennedy never doing another He did do that Oh, can I say also on that set and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I went into my dressing room and you had You were in there my own dressing room. You were completely naked and you were leaning against You were leading against the wall of the trailer trailer and I go hi You go hello and then you just left Yeah, but like I didn't really know him that well, but I and they just say this too in terms of I'm Hollywood dicks I've seen all I've seen I've seen them all who have you seen Pauly Shore?

Crystallia well, very big dick's yours is probably the biggest one Yeah, yeah, this is not enough. What is that? This is not enough. So we got this gift. It's not that big But can I just say something has a gruel I have ever said when they've hooked up with you. Yes, you're a big They've said that that's happening. Look at me, right? I haven't they said it to you. No Come on. I think all girls say that to guys. Oh my god. Have you ever have you ever said that to me about my dick, baby? I Mean I might have like embellished. Yeah. Yeah. She said once you don't seem like you should have a dick that big Oh, that's that's good. No, it's not good It's like saying to a midget like if you were to hook up with a midget in your dick is pretty bigger than a midget

No, but for your small in terms of average human me shave down there It always makes it look bigger. We'll make it. He is now. We don't want to get lost in Joe Cocker Yeah, you got to make it look bigger. So you trim the hedges and everything just you know Yeah, it's also perfectly shape penis. Oh, thank you. How closely did you look at it? Bobby? Jesus? I have pictures of him naked. Oh, yeah, usually it's like blackmail for most actors You better get me work for him. It's like All right, everybody's got picture of Bobby. I have one. I've got so many pictures, right? Oh, yeah, by the way, you were on this show that I just saw about the hot sauce. Oh, yeah

Yeah, and so thanks. I can never go on there because I wanted to shit my pants No, but that's how you and I opened our communication because we didn't talk to each other about a year Yeah, and you texted me. I thought you were very funny on that and I want to say this about Michael Rosenbub also That's going to his little his career his great career. He's it was in 11 year 10 years on smallville Seven years, but on no, I felt like it did. Okay, and then you're also on a show called on pastor that you're the lead in impaster And You're really you're a really good dude

But kind of just say this is that you you're one of those guys in LA that help people I really believe that because like I know for your show on pastor that you brought me in I really appreciate it and when people do that when your friends do that in this business They bring you up and they try to help you it really is it gives you hope that this town isn't just full of insects and fucking Cockroaches, you know, I know but there are little lights and he's a light, you know, it's very kind of you I I think it's important. I mean it's your upbringing, right? What do you mean? Maybe it's not

My parents yeah, it was you know, I just have a loyal group of friends that usually if I like someone I'm like in their talented, you know, I want to help them. Oh, that's if you can do something Why wouldn't you do something like because a lot of people when they get you got me on this podcast? You're able to I did I know no, but I but I'm using you sure Yeah, yeah, Michael Rosenbaum. I mean that we want them like hey, why is there a rabbi in this one? This isn't this isn't as symbiotic as you think it is. It's more parasitic. We are using you Yeah, we are and also she said something when I said that you would do it What you said just tell them what you said so smallville came at a time when I was a teenager in high school

Experimenting with my sexuality. So I admitted to Bobby that I very furiously and very frequently masturbated to you So I'm sorry. I had to put So that's for you the clone of Willie is But you know, I always got like that the you know, I was always appreciative but like, you know, my following was like goth chicks Yeah, you know the Smith's fans and the passion and I love that shit. Yeah, so that was always me I was the freaky dark weird misunderstanding. Now. Tell me this because you know, smallville came when it was the internet hadn't really like Exploded She said a lot. You really did. I was oh, I mean never to Tom. Oh, yeah, never

I always wanted sort of like the you know, the the flawed bad guy kind of yeah That's why I'm with Bobby now I never like the super, you know You're like real people who are flawed who we'll just say it as it is. Did you like You stuck it inside A little bit half-heart No, no, I still had a very sick Filipino accent. Yeah, it was a total to Gallagher Luther Luther Luther. Wow Okay, my step. Well, she just got my they broke up But you know Filipinos tell it like it is. Oh, yeah, my Filipino step mom the first time I met her

I go, hey, I'm Michael and her name coincidentally was Lex Oh, so the first time I met her, I go, hey, it's nice to meet you. How are you? She goes, well, you know, I have diarrhea And then the next time it's like so Michael are you gay? Yeah, why would you say that? Yeah? Well, you're 44 years old Depression yeah, but I said that when you did park though, I go How are you married? Yeah You did ask me at the first question. Do you have a girlfriend? Don't you hate and you felt sad for me So it's gonna be like Pauly Shore. Yeah, I just No, but stop don't do that

But it's because of the fact that I adore this guy. I really do and I I don't want to I don't want him to become Somebody that's just like in the 60s never had children But as if you can't live a fully fulfilled life I am looking for oh, you are okay. I'm dating. There's I understand your argument. I used to like I'm in 20s and 30s. You just you fuck you have a good, you know, maybe not No, but I would just say this this fucker got right here. He's not a closer. He's not he could learn Because you're handsome you have your shit together. Maybe his sexuality is questioning. Yeah, who knows? Maybe maybe he's like maybe he's banging tons of people. We don't know. Nope

Maybe he's banging Georgia good dude. Yeah, but what is it? What are we gonna hang on? Yeah? He's saying that people that fuck aren't as good as people who don't fuck. No, but I just want to say that so that he doesn't feel hurt He's not really a good dude. I'm just saying that yeah, I'm a liar. Yeah. Yeah, but I got you know I don't like I used to go out all the time. I used to now. I'm exhausted. I'm 44 years old I'm like work and I like to have friends over we karaoke. Yeah, I invited over. Yeah, but I don't like I used to go out I gotta go later. I want to meet girls and it's exhausting now. You had your phone and you know, it's just It's just a lot so much gas just a lot

Yeah, so now I just try to like I try to find someone I could enjoy my life with so I definitely I have been dating I'm not gonna say much more than that. Don't have to say much. I don't need to say anything No, things are things are all right. Good. Also, I'm mildly stalk your Instagram And it's because you have a dog and dogs give you so much love sleep with my dog. Yeah Yeah, it doesn't incentivize you as much to go out and go pussy hunting because you have a kind of love at home And honestly, I could live with my animals my whole life alone without this motherfucker. Really? Yeah with four animals I think I'm fulfilled Really? Yeah, I mean that's why I'm dude. Let me say something right now before my girlfriend. I hate an animal. You also hated Bobby. I hate it myself

I hated myself. Yeah, I think we all hate ourselves in a way Yeah, there's not one person in this room that probably doesn't hate themselves a little bit. Yeah, but I hate myself Yeah, but I used to I'm I'm self-conscious about my areola size. Yeah, what is your air? What's the area? It's pretty it's like a Silver dollar pancake. You but you can't hate yourself your nipples. Yeah, so fucking awful. I have the smallest nipples. You know, but it's you know I have a large balls for when I was younger When I was younger, I remember I looked at my grandfather Lou and he had this giant bulge in his slacks And I look at I'm telling my brother and I Eric. He was looking they were like, dude What's up with grandpa's balls?

And then I heard about elephantitis, which is yeah, but then I remember my dad He's my dad's real private. We were driving back home from New York And I'm like, hey, why are grandpa lose balls so big you have some respect Maybe your grandfather and he just has these giant testicles and then I got really worried and I cried to my dad I go dad. My I think my balls are bigger. Am I gonna have am I gonna have grandpa blue balls? Yeah, he was like No, no, no, my grandma my mother who's on Valium is like, it's not even your real grand They was you do have he wasn't but my balls aren't like that. Oh, they're not like that. No, I mean I have good sized balls because you showed us kind of a little bit

Hey, let's not do you ever accidentally sit on them. No, they're not that big Then they're not that big. I do the ball buckle routine. I used to do that a lot What's the ball? The first time I met, you know, there's a trick you do when you name drop you have to drop something So the first time I met Tom Arnold I remember his assistant Vinny Brad his barbecue and Tom was like, hey, we love we love Tom. I love them as son's godfather sons. Yeah, Godfather We're there and he goes, hey Hey, give me a fucking hot dog. He's just kind of being a you know, dick and Tom's a lovable guy

But he's been a dick that day and Vinny's like, fuck man. Fuck and I go Vinny. Let me get this hot dog He's like, okay, so I went in and I put my dick my human penis And a hot dog bomb with my balls hanging out with mustard and relish everything Oh, I wanted to get the order, right? And I brought him my hot dog. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. He was a Schwarzenegger Yeah It's so funny that you say that because when we did the premiere of kicking it off school, he left early Yes You know Dax Shepard. Oh, yeah, yeah, I love that Dax was sitting next to me in the theater and text me during the movie goes

This movie is so bad. I can't believe I'm not in it We all do bad was but we had the best time of our lives. Oh my god in terms of like fun That was a great time Because it was like we would you know, it's like you meet guys like Michael and you go all these are my kindred Kindred kindred spirits that you meet guys that are like playful and not Hollywood They're like just funny. This dude is so fucking funny and he's an he's a great actor, right? But you you're surprised how his timing. He's a comic. Oh, yeah, Michael Rosenbaum is a comic I'm working my you know, he's good and you know what he said to me outside, baby

That he might try stand up Oh, you know what? There are a few people because I've seen enough people there are a few people who he he encourages to do stand up I'm just like yeah, and I'm just like It absolutely makes sense for you. I mean, I've only talked to you for ten minutes It's absolutely a thousand percent makes sense. Oh when I masturbate to you this evening My buddy Harlan Williams. Yes Hey big nipples shut the fuck up fuck up. I love your nipples. Let's suck it for hours

He's like, hey buddy. Look man. I don't tell many people this but yeah, you should do the stand-up thing man Yeah, you do impressions. You're always if you know, you you're better than most of these fucking guys You go out there do fuck what the fuck's gonna happen, bud So I'm like, but and then you've told me and then Joe Koy, you know, Joe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I was like, man, maybe I should just do what what's the what? You know, you die if I bomb who cares? Have you bombed? Have you rose all the time? I don't wanna be known as Rosenbaum. I asked him already. Do Irvine with him in January? Yeah in January. I thought it was more No, it's January. It's coming. It's the third week of January. Third week of January. Yeah, will you do it?

Well, I haven't gone on you. You have to do it. Just do like seven minutes because I'm gonna say this Will Sasso did it last time Was it last over two years ago? He was amazing. Yeah, right? Really? Yeah, and he had he doesn't do stand He had never done it. No, and he went and did a character. He wore a wig and he went up with a costume But still he went up, right? That's the most important thing I so you just can't worry about anything. You just gotta go up do it and just get your Kind of just say something right now. I did a show in San Jose where I got booed off a stage in front of 20,000 people Open for yeah, I got open for a cat. I've told the story before Was Cat Williams Chappelle a bunch of people are on the lineup. I was supposed to do 20 minutes

I did two minutes. I got booed off stage. What'd you open with? Let me just make sure I don't even remember because I Was bombing so hard. I blacked out Like it was a foot of that many people. You're so nervous No, it was a nerve is I had to follow Leslie Jones and I've talked about it before on the podcast But it was terrible and I after the experience I was in this like room with my agent and stuff and everyone was laughing how bad I was and I got over it It took a couple of days. That's it when you get booed off a stage in front of that It takes a couple of days, but then you go, you know what? I'm gonna do it again

I just did the oddball tour. It wasn't as many people. It was more like seven eight thousand But still I remember I had to remember that experience and I went, you know what? It's okay I'm gonna live through it and I did great, you know, but I'm I'm I know that it won't kill me From bombing and I know that I've learned so much from bombing. Yeah, but your name isn't Rosenbaum Oh, here's another grandpa lu ball joke Yeah, but also I would set it up I would set it up in a way where the host however, you wanted to do it Maybe his first time or whatever it might be, but it's gonna be a very comfortable

nurturing experience Is that what you want that you want people to go in kind of going? Oh, he's slow. Here we go No, I don't think you should tell him that it's his first time. I don't know what it's a that's a Handicap I don't mean woman. It's like Every time don't make him go play video games And I also want to make amends to you baby and today no, it's about something that did last week Oh, Tommy and I went before I bring it up. Are you sure you want to be here? Yeah, he's gonna be here

I might assault I'm actually the counselor. Okay. Good. I don't want you to get angry. You promise you won't get angry Yes, I know I don't promise anything. Well, I'm not gonna say it then just fucking say no I just promise you won't be angry But can I physically assault you? No, you can't touch me. That would be anger True it could just it could physical assault can come from many different emotions. All right. I'm gonna say it. Okay. I never saw Amaro's pearls You motherfucker. Oh, what's that? So for months. She was like you have to watch this movie So righteous about the types all these movies that he's seen to Shira Mufun Kurosawa. Oh, you've never seen the seven samurai He just he sits on this fucking high horse and he tells everybody around him

How stupid they are for not having seen these classics or these movies by these directors, right? So I told him I was like, hey, like have you seen Amores peros, which is by Can you say in English though? Morris peros The Revenant guy, it's an Ina Ritu movie, right? He goes. Oh, yeah, I've seen that of course. I've seen this No, no, so that's what she goes. She goes. I know I didn't say that listen. Shut the fuck up. All right She goes I go I haven't seen it and she goes well, you're gonna watch it tonight I don't want to watch it tonight. I want to do other things. I want to watch Westworld

No, you're watching it and I go and so when she was in the shower, right? I wikipedia it Oh, right, and I read the synopsis, right? And I memorized it as much as I could and then when she came back I cleared my history on my iPad Just so that she didn't know that I was wikipedia. Did you look on a sister to see if you done that? So I bought no, so I bought the movie. We're living it's sitting next to each other and it starts Wait, does this movie have like a dogs as a theme? She goes. Yeah, I go. Is this like three or four stories combined? She goes. Yeah, I go. It's the sex. I go. Is the second story have to do with like a model and like a guy that Actress yeah, yeah, I've seen that I saw it with my friend Kalista you went through the trouble of buying the movie

Yeah, great. Wow. Yeah, it all worked out just so you couldn't sit through an hour and a half movie that you go for it And then yes, but really I said I'll watch it if you want me to she doesn't know you don't watch it now It would have I would have enjoyed it I'm sorry, and I'm never gonna see it. I'm never a good movie. Well, it's your loss. All right. It's my life It's a great fucking movie Yeah, man, why do you keep that guy in the closet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we'll do that again. Where's Bryce? Was somebody knocking downstairs? Maybe No

I'm not gonna watch it. It's okay, but are you mad at me? It's a funny though. It actually crossed my mind that you would Wikipedia that shit because that's something you would do you lazy fuck Oh, it's such a good movie. I know I've never seen it. You know what I'll watch it. Not tonight. It's one of you know Ritu's first. All right. All right. Let's move on. All right, but you're not mad. No, I'm not All right, let me ask you is he getting laid tonight Probably not Michael. Go ahead Probably not. Yeah, I have some old dvd small bills I might have some of those two though, do you believe that I met her on Tinder? I

I can't believe she's beautiful. I mean and not the girls aren't beautiful who are in Tinder Yeah, but you are it is starting to kick in. I'm allergic to his fucking cats of the die here I love all really. No, are you really are you like feeling it right now? I feel better. I could breathe. Okay Okay, but before you weren't starting to feel and if I say something you got to be around cats to get over it Right. Is that what you said to me? Yeah, do you expose yourself? The same thing with dairy to get over lactose intolerance. You have a little bit of dairy every day. Really? Your farts don't even smell like you're winning. That's true. Yeah, you are winning. So wait Well, you're about to get into something. No, but what I'm saying is is that the Tinder? Yeah, I forgot what I was gonna say

Actually, well, you believe that you've met her on tinder. Oh, that's what I did say that. Yeah Yeah, I did say that and I put the ugliest weirdest picture up or something, right? Yeah. Well, no for me Yeah, no, I I have a theory of with tinder and I think it works every time What is the theory? Well, um, especially when it comes to like because Eric Stone Street or more I told him to get on Tinder and he did it for like a little bit, right? And I went to his house just to teach him and so I had you got to put, you know, you're at the best Shot like a headshot of you, right? Everyone sees it's Eric Stone Street

But then you do other photos, right? Of him like working or with friends just having fun, right? And And I do that with other people too that aren't in show business Have a photo of me but take a photo with me and we're having fun, right? So then maybe they know that You know me I would never let you curate my tinder. You know what though? Yeah, these things bother me I've only been on one dating site. Which one? I can't really I could just say it. Yeah. Oh, it's it's it's a celebrity Right, I can't say it. I can't say it because There's a reason I can't say that I have a friend that works on one of them

And I just whatever and it was the only one I ever did I finally got on it. It's right. Yeah, but we Any of these things is they never look like the fucking picture you see me It's I'm not I'm gonna give you a picture at my worst. Maybe one that's cuter But then you see these pictures and first of all, it's it's always this Handstand on the beach or yoga Yeah, well, it's like all the same or a photo of just their dog. Oh, I like that. No, I don't like that if a guy Just I'm not gonna fuck your dog. I will swipe right. Yeah, I'm just but here's the issue I've shown up before and I was like the girl comes up and I go. Hey, have you seen this girl?

Yeah, you guys be careful of this angle anytime. It's a downward angle. It's never it's she's conscious about her body. Oh Yeah, I If all the photos are from the fucking shoulders off, right? And I picked before you I picked up a girl I'm not gonna name her name or it's a wide shot. It's like an a fish lens, right? So far we look at a beautiful And at this girl had Natalie Portman's face, but she had Michael chick list his body like it was like a Boston cop Oh, man, you know me It wasn't silverly she said that but she came down the stairs and I

Have a previous I try to go forward, but it didn't move for some reason and then she got in the car Okay, so what would you prefer then a pretty face or a scepter head? Everything's good scepter head. So do you want a girl a butter face a butter face a butter face? Yeah, I just want to I just want to picture someone. I'm gonna see in about a day or two Yeah, just be something like the semblance of this person. I think that's a fair request. It's just not fair Yeah, it's not fair to go there and it's like, you know, yeah, you can't I just think it What do I like face? I like I'm a big face fan, but how about this big big faces? No, no, he likes long He likes big chins, which I don't have all his exes have like really long banana faces. Really? Yeah

No, they're pretty banana faces. They're pretty girls Shut up you talk about their fucking beef curtains all day long. I'm saying they have just You mean the ham wallet, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah What kind of vaginas do you like vaginas? Yeah, you like all styles You know, I think there was a phase where everybody liked to clean, you know, yeah You know what I got one rule I'm really weird about smells I mean, yeah, I could yeah, I could smell a bottle of Dracar from

Water I'm a little water. Yeah. Yeah, but I just I like smells. It's gotta smell everything's gotta smell good That's it. So if it looks, you know, it looks good and tidy and you know, it's great You know, if it smelled good, but it looked like the Kraken from like class of the Titans You'd be fine with that. Oh, no, I don't want the Kraken If it was like an average vagina, but it smelled nice, that's good. Yeah, as long as it really smells good It's hey, you know, this is right. I don't mind a little hair and hair is coming back Have you had any hair in the Henderson hair? It's all hair now

And not just hair that stays in the bikini line. It's everywhere. It's like no no out of their panty. Stop that That's what's in I swear to God. He's so it's like Gallagher's in now. What is that? What if what if you hooked up with a girl? She had no hair, but then she had a little hair in the inside would that be over there inside vagina like in the canal You said silly Silly us in your guts. Yeah What do you mean inside the vagina? Yeah, that's impossible There are only a few places in your body that doesn't have hair and one of it's the inside of the cavernous vagina

How do you feel about hairy nipples? I have hairy nipples or I have three strays on each nipple very And I pluck them out. Mm-hmm. Does it hurt most girls do we just never tell you. Oh, but you pluck them. Yeah, what? Peach fuzz is one thing. You know how you like peachy I know I'm just saying if you saw a breast in the light, you know during the day on hair And you see little blonde hairs across it. You know what I mean? And it's like flowing. I like that But if it's like hair in the Henderson's, you know, I mean, yeah, like full on hair. Yeah Yeah, like if you're in Glendale, you know, I mean, but then If you go to the waxing areas there the Armenian girls do wax their chest

Yeah, they take care of it. They wax their chest and I just want to say to Armenians. I love you guys a lot of Jewish girls. No, throw it out there I love you guys of everybody. We're just when I was in Israel. We went and saw the word It's not Israel. I understand that but they had the art the genocide there. Oh That's right. They had the monument. Yeah. Yeah, so I went That's nice. I had a little tears in my eyes. So and you don't have hairy tits. It was just something that I said, okay, you have to say that now because you know Bobby didn't mean any of that last And actually any of it because like any of this entire podcast just rewind it and delete it. It's fine I was I said something on the podcast where I said

That black people won't oily Weirds there and I got in so much trouble. Wait, are you talking about African-Americans? Yeah Yeah, I don't know. You know what I'm just oily skin. Yeah, I just remember what you said Oh, yeah, tell me cuz I'm Jewish Tell me what kind of skin it rough. Oh, not that Jews have rough skin, but I can just tell about your skin That's actually really soft. Can I touch you? Can I touch you? Yeah. Oh fucking soft as fuck Yeah, so you're just wrong about you. Yeah, I'm gonna touch my own charm touch line real quick. Oh My god

I do it so slick, but what happened was this this black person Threatened us. Can I talk about it? Yeah, you can talk about it. I just don't think I don't yeah, it's just gonna repeat Yeah, go ahead next But what happened was She said she said send me money or I'm gonna put you on blast much money We didn't there wasn't specific, right? Yeah, but then when I was Shooting a commercial that commercial said we're saying with Jane Lynch an ad agency person pulled me inside and she goes somebody contacted us and

This person went to them To fuck me. Yeah, it's not that far. Yeah, they went that far. So it's very that's why But it's like if people understand like you're a comedian comedian say shit all the time But they don't really you know, but you offend people inadvertently. Yeah, I never I'm not a racist person I know you're not, you know, I'm not push or not. Well, I'm not just you're not. I mean, I wouldn't say I mean if I was I'm not gonna say But seriously you say things but everything's so delicate and you got to be careful But you also, you know, you know people you say shit that you don't really mean. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I do say what do you think about?

Filipinos very well done. I love well documented that he calls those like shit people where the shit raise No, I didn't say that. We have shit rivers. Yeah, and you know what? Oh Filipinos love you choose for sure Filipinos Oh, yeah, because it just universally the show was just so such a big hit over there. Well, you know, we masturbate We love your bald bait. Do you get angry when people we have shop out when they bring up a small bill do we chop up? Does it make you when people bring up a small ball? Oh, yeah, you like it. You know, it's I hate that with actors Don't you? Yeah, it's like something that makes them famous or somewhat famous and they're like, that's beneath me That was years ago. I've moved on Yeah

You know the thing is it's like Harrison Ford Could you imagine if he was just like screw star wars? It's like the big embrace there. You have to embrace you have to embrace And it's like by the way, how lucky are you? the proverbial you to To have success and get people to watch your show and be on it first of all most shows suck I was on the worst show in history the Tom show we were ranked 135 out of like 136 with Tom Arnold Ed McMahon Yeah, it was not good. We used to do a classes in Tom's dressing room. What network was that on the shitty one I was CW WB

It just yeah, so, you know, and you just you're lucky to work and then you get a job And it's kind of you know, it's like wow people I remember when I got smallville. I was doing ADR Do you know ADR stands for? Additional audio Dialogue something People if you don't know what it is, what it is is that when you're when you're shooting something Dialogue and sometimes they don't have your audio clean. You have to go back later into a studio and do it Yeah, right and I went in there and he showed me as Michael David Nutter who does all the game of thrones

Would you like to see the first opening scene with you? Yeah, and it's just big screen. I've never seen myself on a big screen And he hits play And the meteor shower comes down and it's just like you see me in a helicopter and I'm just like it's like There's money put, you know, we did a movie kicking at old school that was made for a few cents This was like big budget and good and all these things and I remember tearing my eye going and I left and I called my parents And they were together they've been divorced multiple times after that and then I called them. I said I think this This is like I think I might maybe be a mess

They're like what cuz they've always heard me just be like yeah, you know, my dad wasn't very nurturing. Yeah, yeah He's like, so what are you doing? I'm like, you know before I'd be like, well, I'm doing this movie. It's like, yeah, who's in it? Nobody, you know, yeah, but it's what kind of movie is it? Well, it's a short short film This isn't that's not a real movie a short movie. Yeah. Yeah. Who watches a short movie? Yeah, you know And then you say, well, I'm doing this this feature film, but it's independent You're doing out there. Yeah, this is why I told you to study you idiot, you know, what I did Leno My dad called me the next day and he goes, how much did you pay them? He thought that I paid them $10,000 to do stand-up on Leno like that's how it works

Like when Tom Cruise is plug plug in movie. He gives him a grand On the side, you know, that's how like clueless. Yeah, or like when like, you know There was a couple years where things aren't going well, and he thinks it's my fault. How come you don't call studio and tell them you are available? I go, that's how it works. Like I'm supposed to call Sony. I want to be spider-man. Yeah, right That's how he thinks because of my work ethic that I'm not in more movies Right. Now, how are you supposed to act when you obviously see that the movie is a miss? But then the people around you, you know are excited about it or they you know done that a lot But what do you do? You have to be respectful. You have to say you have to promote it

You have to do what you can but also you don't go above and beyond like I'm in a wig of my dick out Make everybody go see this movie. You're just like, hey, I just did this movie. I had a blast on it. Check it out No, hey, this is the best movie you're ever gonna see Is the most you know and then but sometimes you don't know right sometimes like you see movies where they have A-list stars and They think that they're making a good movie. Yeah, like a rival. Yeah, and then Oh, you didn't like it. You don't like it. It's okay. No, no, I liked I did like it actually I liked it Last week we just said that arrival was the best movie I've seen in ten years. Really? Yeah, we I liked it I didn't think it was contact. Oh

Yeah, I liked it. Yeah, yeah, I liked it for me. I wanted more to happen. Did you cry? I did tear up a little bit. Yeah Yeah, I have no people have had a response. I've done bad movies. I mean a rival's like a great. It's a good movie It's a great movie. It's not yeah, it's a great movie. I liked it. I didn't do nuts What are you putting you against a wall? I mean everything's fine, you know, you have your title to your own opinion. I thought it was really good I mean he cried like a baby like I cry When he realized well, what? Fuck it. We'll spoil it spoil it. All right, so you know that Chinese

You know the Chinese admiral whatever and he sees her in the future and at that party I did that's when I teared up. I chewed up a little bit. I teared up when he went to whisper in her ear And he said yeah Yeah, but people think that they're making a good movie so and sometimes when you're in a shitty thing Yeah, you think this could actually maybe turn good. I think you always hope that it'd be good Yeah, okay. We're making some there's a lot of a lot of the crew select very sterical. Yeah, yeah But you want to be in something that's a cultural phenomenon and that's one in a billion It's one in a billion like being in a Titanic. That's why it's hard to like you can't do that with your career

I try to like I we all talk to ourselves, right? And I'm like, hey if it all ends today, you've done a great job. Yes, you worked You made some money help mom with her house. She gave money to your brother. You'll never see back You know, you've had a good career. Yeah, and you've done some good things. Yeah A great thing or two and a lot of shitty things. Yeah, but that's okay. It's okay It's you can't chase like what is that? What does that do you get? Wait a minute. You get into a great movie, right? Mm-hmm, and all of a sudden it's just now. I'm happy. Oh my god I finally did it now. I'm the I'm you're always going after you always gonna use it as a as a standard for

Comparison for everything else you're gonna do and if you don't get to that same one you just forever miserable Yeah, you live to work or work you don't live in the results to so like, you know, like you can't I'm gonna do this and then It's gonna equal this right you just do the work the best you can have fun with it And then whatever happens happens if I ever Am in a situation where I'm living in these things that may or may not happen that I'm gonna live a miserable life That's exactly right, right and whose life are you living it for? Right, that's the key when you're fucking 80, and you're sitting there going I Didn't make myself happy. I was just trying to make everybody else happy. Yeah. Oh my ball

Well, you're gonna say but you fall into you don't take your own advice you fall into pits of depression Yesterday, I do get a crying in the corner of the bedroom. And what did you say? Take your pants off Sorry, I really was in pain for a second. I had to Fuck an aerial. Yeah. Yeah. Like right. Yeah, when you did pull your pants down earlier. We I was just going yeah, there it is Do you remember it just vividly? Go back to the way you're talking There's something

He's gonna say a shitty movie that she wanted to watch You were crying in a corner You know what Bobby, I've known you for years and we've had these conversations were like I'm done Yeah, you have like we've all been there. Yeah, I'm gonna be honest with you. I get depressed. I Fucking get depressed. I'm like, oh my god. I'm doing the same shit every day. It's a routine I'm waiting for something or I'm doing this or I'm too lazy or I'm in my head or I'm thinking about a million things Or my family in this and then just kind of like you just feel sorry for yourself Then you get yourself the fuck out. Yeah, I realize hang you're better off than a lot of people

Just fucking get up and get off your ass first world problems, right? Yeah, but you've always you're proactive though I remember being at your house once you show me a trailer of a movie that you directed or something you produced Remember a couple of those things. So you're always constantly making shit Well, you got you have to do it because no one else is gonna let you do it Yeah, I just keep making shit and hopefully because that makes me happy. It's like creating stuff. It does make you happy Yeah, yeah, but I get depressed. I have a cry. You do I'm not being funny. No, I know. I want to know I want to know what love is Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd say you do you do go dude you get depressed sometimes

Yeah, my friends even say frozen mom doesn't have people around him He can't be by himself can't be alone because then he's facing all the demons and I'm like get the fuck out I was I was alone last month Fucking talking about and then I realized when everybody leaves him like Yeah, because I do when I did go to your house a couple of times for those parties You do have a lot of people over that that seemed to know you very well, right? You have a tight-knit group of people that love you and Yeah, so you so you always around people is that what you're thinking? I guess so I like to I mean

I am around people. I like to sort of keep myself busy. Yeah, that's another thing I got to keep myself busy and when you're not you know, that's when shit starts to you get a good look at yourself You know if you sat in here alone, we all left eventually you're gonna turn about four feet to the right and see your reflection in that mirror over there Yeah Yeah, why did I watch her movie? Why did you leave me? It was watch an hour and a half movie I bought the fucking movie online didn't even watch it and the cliff notes and I memorize the whole God damn hour and a half out of my life to make this woman

Who's not gonna let her pussy hair grow out? Oh It's also funny you when you hang out with Michael you don't realize people people adore I'm like we remember the last time we had dinner you took me to that what so house remember that sure and then we're sitting there at the So if you don't know what the Soho house is it's a club. It's not it's not what is it? Well, people think it's like it's not clubber boom boom boom boom. No, it's not that kind of club Body people it's like you just go there as a little membership and it's not too crowded And there's good food and there's a good view and they don't let every dipshit in there

Yeah, they pay this dipshit had to pay Yeah, you pay a certain amount of money a month right membership Yeah, and you go and we were eating there and then Chelsea Handler was there and then she was just like You know like excited to see Michael right and then you see other people excited to see Michael and you realize oh He people really love this guy. Well, that's nice to you. I don't think everybody likes me, but I think listen It's taken a long time to even get where I am in terms of like ability I think that there were times where I was like oh, he's a player and he's a young punk and I'm finding myself And I'm mess out and partying and I think it's just like I decided somewhere along my career or just in life to be just to

Just genuinely try to be a good person Yeah, to everybody not just to it Just try to be not try to make people laugh try to be a good guy and everything else will happen Just try to be a good guy and how the fuck did you do Joe Coy's podcast before my fucking podcast? You didn't ask me and how the fuck does that happen? How the fuck do you know Joe Coy? I don't even know Joe Coy, but they how did that happen? I don't know. He thought I was funny I guess or maybe someone pitched him so somebody pitched Joe Coy you and you did the fucking podcast Let me ask you something right now. He's never asked me

Oh Joe Coy isn't an Asian thing though. Maybe no, I last year when I was pitching that show with them I pitch the show who did that? Fucking George piece of shit fucking Joe Coy if you're fucking that big Lee over here Young Ed Bigley, Jr. I love him. Yeah, we're hanging out. I love him. Do you love that big Lee? Oh, I just I just hung out with him. Did you really? I love that guy. I just hung out with Ed Bigley And he was the he's the nicest person I've ever met ago. I was with one of my buddies, you know Cedric No, Cedric. You're our brother Cedric. They're tender. No Anyway, it's just a speech. It's very funny actor comedian and he's I'm like, dude, there's Ed Bigley

Yeah, and then we went up to get a picture and he's like absolutely, of course Oh, how's your evening? Oh, it's so easy to just be nice. Yeah, and then you're just like It's easy. It's easier to be just I saw that Leonard Nimoy documentary about it. Oh, I just saw Spock. I cried I cried because I have problems with my dad major issues. Yeah, we won't get into that. That's not why Like you you have issues with your dad. Yeah, I just you always trying to you know, my father I haven't talked to him for months. We got in an altercation. We almost like got in a fist fight. But what with a ball No, but is that Remember like in the documentary Spock though when Chris Pine and Simon Pegg were doing a scene with him out in the desert or whatever

Yeah, and Spock fell asleep and then they were like Fuck yeah, yeah, I love shit like that man. How do you do? Yeah, the respect of it Well, that's what people understand like Dax is always like I don't think he likes me Dax Shepard. No, but Dax I don't think he likes me. Why would he like you? He's just weird with me This thing where he thinks everyone hates him. That's not true. You're so lovable. Thank you That's all that's what all I wanted to hear. You are a lovable likeable guy. Thank you No, what was I saying with Dax? What were we talking about? He's the best about what? I don't know. You say yeah We had to do with um, I don't know. Come on guys. Respect Dax. Respect your Dax. Let her need more. Let her need more after that

Dax. Dax. Name drop. We're not gonna. We're not gonna. We're gonna. We're gonna figure this out. We're gonna get there. We're gonna figure this out. We have to get there No, no, no, no, we have to do it. No, I can't. No, I have OCD. He can't move on. If we don't do it. We can't move it I'll die. So we had to figure it out. So, Dax, you and Dax were hanging out. No, Dax were hanging out, right? And he, it was after the Simon peg. Let him need more thing and about how people are cool. How people are cool. I'm really trying to think. No, I'm really stupid. I don't know. I have short-term memory. Why am I with this business? Yeah, I don't know how I memorize lines. I really don't. So, um, Dax. So, what's gonna happen if we don't remember? We just sit here. No, we have to sit here because I can't do it. I can't. I can't move on. Oh, got it. Do you sort of got it? Yeah, sort of got it. You're making it up. You're making it up. I'll make it up. You'll know I'm not making it up. He goes, if you go to my house, there's lots of toys, action figures, autograph pictures, posters, Steve Martin. Oh, my balls. Big balls. And, um, he's like, you know, he goes, why do you, why do you do this? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, why do you always ask people for autographs? He's like, you're working with them. Why do you need their autograph? Or you're doing this?

Yeah. And it's just that kid in me. Yeah. I've always been a kid. I never thought I'd make it here. I had like a death wish. I thought in high school. I think I tried to kill myself with a butter knife. So, it's kind of, you know, So, you were rebellious. Well, I wasn't rebellious. I was just like, I fucking hate my parents. I hate them. I was fucking, I wasn't, and I was always grounded. I never went to a high school dance. I was just this dork. I had a small dick at the time. You know, I grew, I grew like, I grew like 10 inches in like a year and a half after high school. Yeah. So it's kind of picked on a little bit. I was just like, you know, it wasn't a great time, but I think he has something to do with that kid that just, you know, that never grew up. So Dax is always like, why do you always need these pictures? So I go on set, oh my God, that's so, so I got to get him to sign this. Like, why do you need to do that? So you're not jaded. But I'm exactly, I'm like that. If I go somewhere and I meet someone, like I worked with Steve Martin. Yeah. No, but like, you know, but it felt, I always, I'm never, I never make it uncomfortable. It's always like one thing where he's like, so tell me about this smallville. Yeah. We started talking about it. I go, yeah, well, hey, then we're three days in the filming or, you know, I'm working on the film. You can't do it on day one. Never. You have to wait a week. Yeah, yeah. He did that when you met the guy from the eels and you fangirled and then he didn't want to talk to you for the rest of the day. Yeah. And I know a girl who, is that the song? Yeah, I love it. Oh, yeah. No, that's not the eels.

Hold on. Yeah. Hold on. Let's finish that song. Lost is a vagina. Who sings that song? It's Megazine. Oh, yes. Slamming left. Slamming left. One of the eels. I know the eels. You fucking asshole. You don't even know how to fucking play this game. The fresh song. Novocaine. Novocaine. For the soul. For the soul. Yeah, yeah. That's a great song. Yeah. Anyway, I was on love. I was shooting a party scene. So it was Jason Dill, the skateboarder. And I saw this older dude. I go, I see a comedian. I don't know. So I walked up to him and I go, hey, so you do comedy or something, right? And he goes, no, I'm the singer for the eels. And I froze. I literally froze. And I go, can I take a photo with you? And it was like weird because it's like Paul Rust is every

people are there was shooting any dick was there was shooting a fucking show. And I should have waited. You're getting into a strong point right now. You're getting into a fucking profound moment in this podcast. And that moment is, I think a lot of times we, you and I don't feel like we belong all the time, at least for me. That's what it is therapy. I just figured out. I just figured it out. It's like you're a star. Oh, yeah, you're this and you forget that you've done something. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, I don't that happened. I did this movie years ago with like John Cusack and a bunch of people drop, drop, drop, drop. And I remember and they were all there and like, hey, dude, and we all started talking Sandra Bullock comes up to me goes, you're hilarious. And I'm like, what movies did you see?

She goes, I saw you on Cribs. It was funny. Yeah. And I go, well, thank you. And we all started talking. And then Cusack comes there and we're all hanging out. And I'm like, yeah, this is so weird, Bullock. Yeah. Yeah. I was just trying to be cool. And I'm like, hey, I was so excited when I met you and we did that move and it just went completely. It was just, it became, I became like, I don't belong here. I'm happy to be here guy without saying too much. I already had said too much. Yeah. So I think some of the time is, you know, I go there, I'm like, and my way of thinking is like, Steve Martin, who gives a fuck? I'm gonna ask for his autograph. Yeah. I'll never work with him again anyway. What am I doing here? Yeah. Who cares? Let's fucking do it. Sometimes

what happens to me is I shut down, which it can be perceived as me being aloof. Oh, yeah. But like when I did the dictator and I went into that trailer, it was Ben Kingsley and Ed Norton and a Ferris and Sasha, they were all in a line doing their makeup. And I was my first day. And I sat there. They're doing their own makeup. No, they had made it. You know, I mean, it's a pretty big movie. It's pretty big movie. And I sat there and I wanted to say things and be myself. But I remember going shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? And I didn't say anything. Then they probably didn't think you spoke English. Maybe. Maybe. That could have been it. Yeah. The Asian guy was really funny. No, but then Sasha. Yeah. I mean, Sasha, I know Anna and

Sasha, they both say hello. They said hello. Go, hey, you know what I mean? But I wanted to be like myself. Sure. And I, because of the, what was around me, I just, I just shut down that whole day. Yeah. And I feel like, I don't know, I just remember feeling paranoid a little bit, you know, but and not having fun. See, with you, when I met you, you could the first day I go, I'm gonna have fun. Yeah. And in many ways, I'd rather do that than the other. In many ways, I'd rather be with someone like Michael and have a good time and create something and then like be able to laugh in a scene. Absolutely. Right. Yeah. Then be in a movie with all these stars. Yeah. And just, just saying my lines and then, then you move on and then you're sitting there by yourself.

I don't want that. But I've got, you know, I have to say that I have gotten better with it. Like over the years, I've just said, I'm just going to kill it. I'm going to go in there and do my shit and I'll leave him in the dust, man. I'm fucking going there. That you have to almost psych yourself into it. Like I'm going to go there and I'm going to, and even though you're filled with nerves and you're like, Oh, I was, yeah, like I just did this little independent movie called the last days of summer. It's just in festivals and stuff. But Bill Fickner, I don't know if you know him, but he was like in prison break and tons of these movies. But I was like, Oh my God, just when you meet him, you're like, I'm intimidated. Oh my God, I'm going to shit my pants. Yeah.

And it took me a little time and I had to prove myself. And then all of a sudden I'm like, fuck this in my head. Yeah. It's like this weird, like I'm going to fucking throw a touchdown right now, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can I have your autograph? Can I just give you, if you could just sign here? Yeah. You did it. Have you ever had, I'm in a fucking crush. Now, I just signed this poster. It's 24 years old. It's a little, it's not mint condition. Yeah. Have you ever been on a shoot where you froze? Yes, where I just get really nervous and I just like feel like I'm not performing. Yeah. Yeah. I've actually got, I get nervous all the time. I still get nervous when I'm on, I have my own show and pastor. I 30s on Wednesday nights. I know.

I froze during the test of your show. I don't think you did it all because I felt like you were really funny. You were, you did it. I froze. You felt like you froze? Yeah. I remember you telling me that like, I was so scared. Thank you, but I was so scared. I don't know what it was, but I'm like, maybe because it was your friend. That's what it is. It is. It's like we're hanging out right now on your Bobby. You're doing it ever. But now it's like, not only that is, I didn't want to let you down. You couldn't, you can't let me down. I know, but that's what it was. Friends can't let, I know, but I felt that. I felt, I felt, I felt like, Michael's such a good guy. I have to do well because I can't let him down. In his head, he thinks you vouched for him and you're telling people

like he's really funny. So if he doesn't, if it's, if he doesn't hit it, I don't hit a whole round. Here. I didn't hit a whole round. Maybe I let you down. Maybe I didn't get you. Hang on. There's a point. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I let you down by just not getting them to give you an offer for it. No, that's not what it is. I read for everything. No, but you know what? I want to read for everything. I don't. I'd love offers all fucking day, man. Give me an offer. Do you know why I don't like that? I hate auditioning. It sucks. Can I tell you why I don't want an offer? Yeah. Because when you audition and you get something, you know what you're going to do. You know exactly what you're going to do. Oh, yeah. So that's why I got fired two years ago

on that job. Yeah. When you get an offer, they expect you to do. You're right. Am I right? When you do an audition, what he's saying quickly is when you give the audition, they say, that's the guy you know exactly what they want because you just did it. If you just get cast and make the offer like, uh, I could do something. Just tell me what you want. Yeah. The first day of shooting when you get an offer is the worst because that one teen movie I did in the summer, I did the scene with these young kids, right? And I remember the producers all talking at video village and I knew it was the choices I was making. So you could just say to them, yeah, it's just too broad. You know what I mean? And then I remember like the director

coming, yeah, it's just a little too, I go, I think, and then you kind of get, you have that conversation and you'd rather have just do it. Had them go, okay, that's what he did in the audition. We love it. And then you move on. Yeah. Right. And then we had to create a thing and it turned out to be fine. Right. We, we, we found a happy medium, but that was only because I got a fucking offer. Now, obviously, if I got an offer, I'm not going to say, oh no, I'd rather read for it. I'm going to do it. You know what I mean? But I'd rather do the other. You know, I happened on on two years ago. It was a big NBC show called Mission Control. It was a TV movie. I mean, it was a TV show, half hours to come with, what's her name? Fuck, she's gonna kill me if she's

listening to this. I read her, read, Kristen Ritter is brilliant. And Bruce Campbell, who's he signed my doll. Hey, listen, listen, we went golfing together. We went, we went golfing together. We rode bikes around the golf course and we got stoned together and drink tequila. He's a good buddy. He's awesome. Oh my God. Yeah. He's awesome. He's awesome. I'm trying to get on ass versus the evil dead. I want you. Do you not see on your way in his big? No, I want to be real. No, but I want to be real with you. Yeah. This is my connection. Okay. If you ever have a thing, will you invite Bruce Campbell to a dinner or whatever? Yes. Should I invite you to? I swear to God, I won't bring anything from the side. I want to be really cool,

but he's my idol. Done. Not being real. Yeah, I'm being real too. What am I, something not real? I'm just telling you that it would be a life altering experience for me. Done. I love that, dude. I've seen all the evil deads a thousand times. Briscoe County, Jr. Oh, yeah. Bubba Ho-Tep. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. So, make that happen for me. What are we doing? We're over an hour. We are? Yeah. Okay. Let's do the question then. I just want to say this that when we do a, when we, you know, when we do our podcast, sometimes it, we struggle to do an hour with Mikey. Really? Yeah. It felt like we could do two more. I mean, he was amazing. Yeah. That was amazing. This is a blast. We can talk about anything. Have a round of applause for Mikey. I love you guys.

This is great. Now, we, what we do is we read an email at the end of the show. We answer the email. The segment is called Unhelpful Advice. So, feel free to not give good advice. Okay. That helps. Yeah. Unhelpful advice with Bobby Kalima. Lex Lutha. Lex Lutha. Lex Lutha. Did you just hear that other voice before that? Yeah. Do it again. Hello. Yeah. Who is he again? The pastor casting right now? That's a very funny sketch guy. Do you like, I know Mike, I know Mike Kaczynski on the best second city. Yeah. Ronnie Dangerfield. I don't know how to do that one. It's one voice. Just do that. Hey guys, is it cheating to go to an Asian massage power that

provides happy ending if the guy's in a relationship? Kalila, will you be okay if Bobby went to one? Gilbert, will you visit a rub and tug and report to us? So, is it cheating to get a happy ending? I'll let you guys go first. It 100% is. No, no, no. It's not that I would do that. I think there has to be a conversation. Yeah. And it just says, hey, listen, I'm, you know, I love you or making love, but if I go away for a couple of months and I'm not going to fuck any random, you know, no, but if I went somewhere and got a massage and she just flipped me over and jerked me off real quick, would that be a bad thing? She's like, that's cheating. I'm like, all right, I'm not going to do it though. I, you know, I agree with you because of the scale

of things that would hurt me, that would hurt me the least. It's not that I, I'm, and I'm asking you to do it now, but if it ever came to that point, we're 10 years from now, you just want your fucking balls drained. We could pound it out and I'd probably be okay with it. It's so, it's such a business transaction. It's so unemotional. It is. That to me, you texting with a woman and exchanging some, you know, you know, some type of flirtations is far more hurtful than getting a fucking rub and tug. And it has to be at a certain massage parlor, maybe of your choice. Yeah. I mean, I have to pick the fucking ogre who's going to jerk them off. Well, no, I couldn't be like a Russian massage parlor. No way. That's Virginia.

You know, like, oh, yeah, I don't think you'd be all right with it. I don't think that, I mean, I'm not, I mean, I would have to have a conversation. I don't think you'd be all right with it. And I don't feel right with it because it still is sexual and it still is with somebody else. For somebody like him, it's a little different because everything is a gateway drug for him. The slightest thing he might, he might take the rub and tug and that same day, graduate to a strip club, get a blowjob and then graduate to a full blown addict. He's an addict. He doesn't know how to stop at the little things. Yeah. I mean, I, when I do shows on the road, like, you know, I mean, there are sometimes situations where like I was, I got off the stage at Charlie Goodnights

and this drunk college kid chick was so drunk. She just pulls me as I'm walking out. She goes, I'll blow you right now. And I go, you know, you didn't do that. I did. You considered it. No, I would never totally normal. I would. I didn't consider it all. I swear to God. I mean, that's why I'm so comfortable telling it is because it was a nothing. It was a nothing moment. But all that little, if I just stopped and I said, tell me more, you know, that all that stuff is crossing a line to me. I don't, I've only gone to two in my life, by the way. Rub and tugs. Yeah. My friend, I went to Toronto wants to do a movie and for my birthday, he played, used to play for the blues and he was like, Hey, I got your birthday present. He came to visit me

and I go, okay. And I had never heard, you know, heard of Robin. I just was naive Indiana boy, whatever. And he took me to this massage place and I walked in and this blonde woman goes, I need you to take a shower. I'm like, yeah, shower. And then I get there and she goes, okay, here's the deal. You can touch my breasts. You can't touch my pussy. And that's it. I go, best massage ever. And so she started, you know, the worst massage ever. I'm like, all right. But then she whipped me over. Yeah. And I remember this because it's only happened twice in my life. Yeah. I don't know what she sprayed on me. Maybe it's some lube they bought somebody got in Mars on Mars. Yeah. It was this, it was like,

and then she bent my penis the opposite way it's supposed to go. You know, it's supposed to aim at your face. Yeah. She pulled it like the other way the other way. So it hurt just a little and she went, chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck. It was like two strokes, three chucks with a wine bottle, three. Yeah. I mean, like that. I was like, oh, what happened? Yeah. And my buddy's like, happy birthday, buddy. I'm like, oh, I was like 25 or like 26, 40. Okay. Would you, they have female rubbing tugs now. Would you be okay with me going to one? What happens there? You just get finger blasted, I guess. They really finger you. And I think that's a perfect business. If you asked me, if I had to, I'd have to go. Why? I want to go. I'll be the lobby. You want to choose the guy too.

You want to choose the over. I want to look at the guy. I want to look at the guy. I want to go. Yo, dude, look at me, dude. I'm her boyfriend. You know what I mean? So this is just a physical thing. What have you forced him to get a manicure? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But my hands, can I tell him? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have, um, I have, um, OCD. No, I have, my left foot is a disaster. I have severe foot fungi. I don't want to laugh, but you did first. Do you really, you really do. Yes. And at one point. Is that true? Oh, I had it in my fingers because I scratched my foot and it went inside her vagina. He gave me jock itch, essentially. It's tragic. It's tragic. It was tragic for me. Do you wear a sock when you guys go to bed? On his foot? One sock on that

foot. No, no, no. But he's not allowed to touch any part of my body with his left foot. Like, he knows this. It's a disaster. It's a disaster. What does it look like? It's fine. I mean, you're not going to look at it. You're not going to look at it. It's fine. But not great. It's not great. No, it's not great at all. Is it like, uh, Daniel DeLewis? It used to be worse. Oh, my left foot? Yeah, it's like that. Is it like the Glimmer's guy? I mean, at one time, my left foot was so bad that when I was on mad a long time, it's been bad for many years. I showed Ike Baronholz, my left foot, and he took three steps back and he made a noise like, like that. Like, it was bad. Yeah, you could see mold. Does it, does it smell at all? Yeah. Like, what does it smell like?

Like, are we talking brie? No, I'm talking, no, no, I'm talking worse than brie. I'm talking about like, can you test this? Uh, yeah. Yeah, something like a dead rodent. And you can't get rid of this. No, I can't. No, I can't. Oh, I can't. What the fuck do we talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He explains to you. Okay. So I got him a big box of this medication called Luzo and it was really effective. Why is it got to be called Luzo? Four guys got a foot more guy and he's got to use a product called Luzo. Yeah. Hey, loser, I want some Luzo for your fun. And I put it on and worked. And it turns out he doesn't want it to work because it's an activity for him to scratch and peel his foot every day. I missed it. He missed his foot. I missed it.

Yeah. That's really like that's therapeutic. That's therapy stuff. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Have you talked to your therapist about this? No, I don't have a therapist. Okay. I don't need one. You don't need one. No, but I, uh, this is your therapy. Yeah, I enjoy peeling it. God, I enjoy scratching it, deep scratches. Yeah. When I'm in the spa, that's what my, that's my ritual. Wait, so you go in the spa? I go to the top tier of the steam room, right? And I put my foot out there, you know, and I go late so there's no one around. And when hot gets, it gets itchier when it's hot. Yeah. My foot. And I just take my finger and I deep scratch it. And it feels so good. Does it get infected? I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

Have you guys seen this? No, but we know that it's a thing. In fact, who brought it up to me? To my left foot. Who did that fucking up guy? What's his name? Oh, um, Ed, um, Asner. Ed Asner. Ed Asner. It's so fun that you met me mentioned Tom Arnold because I did a pilot with Tom Arnold and Tom Arnold and Ed Asner. And where we own a hardware store, right? And Ed Asner and I were like best friends, right? So, and I remember then going, he talked to him for hours about my left foot. And then years later, we did, um, Tom Green's podcast, video podcast, and he was on it. And you would think this 80 year old man is probably, you know, we thought Bobby thinks he's like somewhat senile already. Yeah. But he wasn't senile enough.

And you talked about your foot. Yeah, he remembered. Years later. This is about eight years later. Yeah. He remembered. That's the only thing you remember. Get your foot away from me. He says. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. He remembered. That's how. Tell you guys kind of want to see it in a really weird way. No, you're not going to see it ever. Ever. Maybe one day. You showed it to her, right? Yeah. What about this? What about this? You've set up the Bruce Campbell thing. And you'll be the one of the only guys in Hollywood that see my left foot. I'll do it. You will? Yeah, you have to. You need to see it. His nails on that foot are very polished though. They're shiny, but on your right foot. It's algae. Oh yeah. It's algae makes it

shiny. Is it a genetic thing? Is it a genetic thing? It's not. Well, first of all, no. You don't get genetic athletes foot. Well, I thought maybe that you guys had a propensity or. No, not what are you guys? Koreans? Gooks? Is it what you guys know? Is that what you want to say? No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm seeing your shit. Oh my God. This is how you get thrown. You're a filthy. You're like a filthy Jew right now. All right. And stop acting that way. All right. So, um, yeah. So that's not my producer. He's my henchman. His bladder. Yeah. Can we go to the next question? That was it. That was a question. So, yes, it's okay. You don't have another question, Gilbert? Yeah, we'll do one more. Hey, Gilbert, do something over there.

Well, yeah. What are you doing with a sewing machine? I'll tell you, Gilbert, get Sullivan in here. All right. I'm tired of this. Hey, Bagley, get the cameras rolling. Somebody get me a foot massage. Huh? Keep his foot away. Dude, what impression is he doing? Oh, I don't know. What the fuck? What did you find this kid? I'm telling no respect. My favorite cartoon of all time was Rover Dangerfield. Do you guys ever watch that? No. It's about the dog. God, you guys. Go ahead. Give me the next question. I love you, baby. I don't see it now. It's the best. You have to watch it. Hey, guys. I'm a big old. No, do the voice from like the whole time. Hey, guys, I'm a big old chubby boy from Canada.

I'm 16 years old. Yeah. And I have a little trouble with the ladies. Can I get some advice on that? Keep me anonymous. His name is Paragon. Okay, Paragon. Oh, that's his photo. Oh, he's so cute. So generic dating advice. Oh my God. He's so very, I would have fucked them if I was in high school. I'm going to say this right now, too. Say it. Say it. That, you know, the first real girl I had sex with was 23. Before that, I only had sex with prostitutes. Do you know that? Yeah. So what I want to tell the guy is that sometimes you kill it later in life. So at 23, I started doing stand up and I've talked about this before and that's when it opened the gateway to my confidence because, you know, I've always had like a,

these glasses on that made me look like I would perceive myself as being unfuckable, you know, and stand up and also just getting confident and getting older. It just made me, you know, realize that I can get girls and sometimes it just happens later in life, you know. So this kid, he's 16. Paragon. Paragon. Yeah. He said keep it anonymous. I don't know why I said his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if that's really his name, that's a good name. You always got girls, huh? No. So you don't know me? All right. I couldn't get nailed in wood shop. Really? In high school, you didn't get any girls? Ask anybody who knew me. Loserville. I was home, babysitting my brother on Saturday nights, never went to a high school dance, ever,

never had a girlfriend, was picked on, was the shortest kid in my entire high school. Okay. Yeah. After high school, I went to college and I grew 10 inches. And then I had this guy that and he was, he was a popular kid in high school. His name was Tommy. He's my best friend to this day, 31 years, 32 years. He lived down the street from me. He used to invite me, he goes, hey, Rosenbaum, I'm having some people over. So I go over there and I could hear the popular kids going, what is he doing here? I could hear them. Yeah. And he's like, he's cool. Fuck off. He's cool. And he just stuck up for me and I never really did anything, but he just like, and one day came up and I was playing basketball with myself, just missing them, missing the balls.

And then he, he goes, hey, Rosenbaum, are you going to college? I'm like, ah, I was thinking about working at San Diego gas stations with this guy, Charlie, five bucks an hour. We're working at Westlumens grocery store as a soccer. That's what I did for three years. And he goes, why don't you go to Western Kentucky and we'll roommate, we'll be roommates. And I go, okay. And I walked in the house and I applied for the college and I got in and he was always the guy who was like, this guy's funny. Listen to his impression. This and he slowly, like he was the one person. So what I say, Paragon is there is someone in your life, probably right now who loves you, who believes in you, cares about you. And if not,

you're going to find that person. You're going to find your little group of people that understand you and get you and just love you for you. And that could take a couple of years or maybe it's now, but you just got to take it slowly or 16. You're not 68. You got the rest of your life, man. Just take it slowly, brother. We're talking just now. I think, I don't know if it's you, but somebody told me a story once where he was in New York in an elevator making it with somebody and then they came in the elevator. Was that you? No, I never came in an elevator. I love to. Coming in an elevator. Is that it? That's it. Thank you so much, Michael, for coming. And this is a treat. This is a lot of fun. Thank you. Can I come back? Yeah, 100 fucking percent.

In fact, I'm going to promote it now. Michael will be opening for me at the Irvine Improv in 10 years. Well, I got some work to do. By your tickets now, by your tickets now, you're doing it. You're doing it. Oh, it's four shows. I got to go over the UCB, guys. Yeah. Thank you so much, Michael. Thanks, guys. Pastor Wednesdays. Oh, yeah, guys. Follow me at Twitter, the M. Rosenbaum 7-Eleven, and I'm on the Facebook. Yeah. Follow my boy on Twitter, Instagram. Watch the show on Pastor. And just this guy is all around one of the best. Okay, everyone. Love you, Bob. All right, bye. Make sure you follow us on Instagram at Tiger Belly, on Twitter at TheTigerBelly.

Email us any questions, like theTigerBelly at gmail.com. And you can follow Kalayla at Kalimadikey, all of our farms on social media. And we will see you guys next week. Thank you. Bye. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.