TigerBelly - Episode 97: Ari Shaffir & The Chocolate Bar

Episode Date: June 28, 2017

Ari and Bobby walk us through their stormy history. We talk jizz cleaners, closet peepholes, and psychological warfare. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. You have to do it, it's a problem that you have to do it. Steve looks like shit. Everybody have a good time tonight. I said don't talk until I introduce you, you fucking cocksucker. I'm not even... No, start over. That was my fault.

Go ahead. Everybody Jew. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bobby Lee's podcast, Tiger Belly. We got, all right, fuck it. We got Kalayla. I told you she'd bark. We got fucking Gilbert and we have this fucking guy. Old guest.

For new to us, but he's an old friend of mine. His name is Ari Shafir. And give him a fucking round of applause. Ari Shafir and I have had a deep fucking path. A long and storied history? Yeah, and you know, I'm going to say this right now. I'm going to look at my life. Why aren't you looking at me when you're saying this?

I'm going to look at you now. There was a point in my fucking life where I swear to God, I hated you more than I hated anyone else on planet fucking Earth. I was number one because you killed off Freddie, so I was next. I never hated Freddie Soto. You know, he didn't like me that much. Freddie mostly ignored you. Yeah, he ignored me.

You can bring up Freddie Soto if you want to, which you did, right? But all those fucking, the darkness from my past, it's all resolved itself. Look at Eleanor, look at Eleanor. Eleanor, Karen, what's her last name? Kerrigan. No, Kerrigan. With friends with a comic named Freddie Soto who was one of my favorites. He was one of the best comics in the country.

He died, but Eleanor fucking hated me. What are you guys doing? I thought it was blocking the camera. What the fuck are you guys doing, man? Seeker codes. So what I'm saying is that that's resolved itself. You and I have resolved itself. Resolved.

I want to hear it from the very beginning. Well, how we met? I used to host the open mics at the comedy store. Yeah, but I wonder if that's when I met you. No, because when I started, Oshak was hosting, you were just there. He was like hanging out with it because you had just finished being an employee. Right. So you were still like related to the employees?

Yeah, I was an employee at the comedy store. I was a open mic-er, essentially. I had nothing going on. Really, I had nothing going on, right? Carlos started taking the road a little bit. Mencia started taking me on the road a little bit and then I met Ari. But you were younger than me. Were you working at the store too?

Yeah, I got a job there. I did three open mics and then I was like, it was easier to get a job and not have to draw to the hat. Yeah. And him and I became friends, I think, instantly, probably, right? Yeah, you took care of some of the younger guys. You really was like, hey, do you need advice? Yeah, I did. Say that again.

Say it again. You gave some tips on like, hey, man, when you ask the crowd if they've seen a movie and you just sit there waiting, I think this is your advice. I think it was like Star Wars. Like, did you guys see Star Wars and no one clapped? You're like, why are you waiting? You're going to do the bit anyway. Just say, hey.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Go into it. I was like, yeah, I guess I am. It was you. Was Morgan Murphy ahead of you? Probably later, huh? No, she was over Mike.

She never played there, but Nick Youssef, Taylor. Taylor, all those guys. Yeah. Yeah. A few guys that we forgot because they faded away. They're probably my best friend. I have no idea where they are. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Or Joy Marmo. Joy Marmo. Right. You remember my class? Yeah. But stop it. Yeah. Stop it.

All right. Yeah, back then. But then we became friends and then what happened? So then I got Matt TV. You got Matt TV. We went down to San Diego together. Right. We borrowed a bunch of, I can bring up old shit, right?

You brought a bunch of money for pills. Yeah. Yeah. Do we ever go to brothels together? Yes. In Mexico, too. In Mexico. Tijuana launch pads.

Adelidas. Adelidas. Is that what you guys met? Yeah. So you and I went to Adelidas. Yeah, you told me. You were like, hey, tip him. I'm like, what?

You're like, yeah, it's going to be 72. Just give him 100. Just put it on the table. Right. Then they'll know to work harder. Right. Because you know, people don't know. I'm a smart guy and I'm crafty.

Yeah. And I think things through. And the thing is, is also you tip the guy that cleans the room. Because he's got the worst job in the world. In terms of dirty jobs, you know that show dirty jobs? Yeah. Has Mike Rowe actually been to Adelidas then? Yeah.

The tea you want to jizz cleaner for one buck. Yeah. Is the worst job in the world. Because it's 72 bucks. That's what you get. Is your pay? 60 for the girl. Yeah.

Which, I don't know how much she gives that to the guy, to their pip. 11 for the room. Yeah. One for the jizz cleaner. Yeah. And he was grateful for it. Like, it wasn't like, you know, here's a dollar. And he was like, oh, that's it.

He was like, gracias. You know, he was very excited. Yeah. He was like, hey, man, I'm going to clean up jizz anyway. Now I'll get paid for it. There was this guy that I worked with at the Brocktonville, this restaurant. And he's, his dad had something to do with the KFC chain. Like he was high up.

So he had a lot of money. This guy, but he also was waiting tables with me, this kid, but he was a fat kid. And he would get like three girls, right? Yeah. And not have sex, but just eat their buttholes. That's it. In Strip or Tijuana. In Tijuana.

That's something only a rich kid would do. It's like, hey, money to work. Yeah. You shouldn't even kiss them. I know. Let alone eat butthole. Yeah. And he was a guy that was, I was like, is this one of those guys that like, he went to

Nom, he didn't, but he's, he had that jaded vibe about him. Like he just went to Nom, right? But that was a CD player. So you and I went there and then I got mad TV and then I got sober. I went to rehab. Yeah. You got sober. Yeah.

You got almost thrown out of my TV. Yeah. They made you go to rehab. Made me go to rehab. And then I called you one night when I was at that place and Ari was living in L.A. And I go, I'm leaving. I'm leaving, leaving what? I go, I'm leaving rehab.

Oh, cool. Cool. All right. That's pretty awesome. But you, you need to drive to San Diego to, to pick me up. Yeah. At first it was like, you need to pick me up. I was like, oh, okay.

I was like, yeah. Okay. Where are you? Like far. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you said yes.

Did the two girls come after that in the hotel room? The two girls was the week that we went to Adelina's. The two girls is the one who went to Adelina's. We stopped into the spot at the PB Brewhouse. Yeah. There was a club. That was like an open mic at the PB Brewhouse. No, no.

It was a show. Okay. Yeah. You got me on. Yeah. And we're going to do La Jolla the next day. Why? And while I was on, you were talking to these two girls.

Yeah. One real hot and one just gross. Yeah. Yeah. And you were like, and I bombed. Yeah. And you were like, hey, all right, we got these two girls like this in my set. And you were like, no.

I was like, okay, cool. If they didn't see that, then I still got a chance. Yeah. Yeah. And at first we were like, oh, we're meeting guys. And you're like, well, just sit here. You know how Bobby does it? Just sit.

Yeah. Yeah. And then after a while, like, I guess we don't have to meet the guys. And we'll hang out with you. And it's like, hey, come back. Come back with us. Yeah. I did a story about this actually.

Come back with us. And you're like, okay. But then we got to move our bikes. And then we got back to our bikes. Our bikes were stolen. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Their bikes were stolen.

Yeah. They started crying. Yeah. They started crying. And Bobby's like, don't cry. They're like, but our bikes. The tears are coming down their face. Yeah.

Our bikes. And then Bobby's like, how much were they? Like, mine was $400. His was $200. And he goes, here's $700. $400? Yeah. Yeah.

And Bobby's like, well, we'll do shit like that. That's pretty charitable. No, right. No one gives it up for Bobby like Bobby. Right. So then what happened? So I give the money. Yeah.

To pay for the fucking bikes. Yeah. I don't know these girls. Their tears went right back up. No, they're going to buy a new Schwinn or whatever. They, you know, whatever the hot bike. Oh, they got the runners on the side of the handlebars. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to take a quick second to grab those. What the fuck, bro? You can't bite that hard. Yeah. Yeah. I told you she would interact with us.

I don't know what to do. Put them in the cage. Now you're going to cage, motherfucker. That's what you get. Put them in the cage. Yeah. Why don't you bite him like you bought me? That was fucking, that wasn't even playful.

Come here. Come here. Oh yeah. Oh, Bobby's going to eat you. Now you got to eat him. Wait, what year was all this happening? This was 2000, I don't know, two-ish. Oh, okay.

He called me one day and he said, hey, we're going to San Diego. And I was like, okay, wait, I need you to drive. And I'm like, why do you need me to drive? He goes, I've been up for 36 hours on pills. Oh, shit. So I need to sleep. So I'm not going to be able to drive. He goes, you can use my car, but I can't do it.

So we get these girls. Oh, we also got stuck in fucking, it was supposed to take us like two hours to get there. It took us like 12 hours to get there. Remember that? Get a piss in water bottles. I told you we were on the highway. Stop, dead stop. Then I'm like, there's a rest stop there.

Go get us snacks. I'm like, no, put it in the pit stop. Like it hasn't picked up for two hours. We've been, we went 30 meters in two hours. Yeah. So just run across the highway and get it. Yeah. And he goes, no.

And we fought over a payday. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did we finish the girl part? No. So then we go to PB and then we, we go. So we know, I know the hotel that I'm at now is at the Grand Colonial Hotel. Nice hotel.

Really nice hotel. Two beds. Two beds. Really nice. La Jolla? Yeah. And always this happens to me. I pay for the fucking bikes.

You got the hot girl. And I got the hot girl who doesn't want to touch me. And the ugly one wants to fuck Ari. Yeah. She doesn't get a lot of guys. Yeah. Yeah. So now I'm in a closet.

There are researches, scripts. Right. With the fucking hot one. Oh yeah. So I'm trying, we're both on each other's beds. Like, oh, he's on his bed. I'm on my bed with my girl. He's on his, his girl.

And we're like making out. It's, I've never done anything like this. I've had sex with like three or four girls at the time. Maybe four. Yeah. Maybe five. Cause he looked really joey back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. He looks good. I think you look better now. When you were younger, it was like. Dork. Beaker. From the Muppets. Like you look weird.

Yeah, yeah. So yeah. We're making out. I hear on the other bed, could I just touch his shoulder? How about I just touch his shoulder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if I do this? I just put my, I just put my back of my hand on your, on your knee.

Yeah. And so I'm trying not to laugh. We still play that game. Do you really? Yeah. He still asks me if he can touch my shoulder. Well, why were you in the closet? Yeah.

Cause I knew that, I knew that my girl didn't want to fuck me. Yeah. Or do anything with me. But I know that he was about to get some action. And it's weird. We're both in the same room. We're in the same room. So I'm like, I'm.

The closet was huge. The closet was the size of this room. Yeah. Big walking closet. Yeah. It's like Oprah's shoe closet. The closet was in it. Okay.

And I, um, being the good person. Yeah. Even though, and I'm also paying for the room. Yeah. I went, I'm going to give my friend a layup. And I'm going to go in the fucking closet. What did you tell her to get her in a closet? Get in the fucking closet.

No. He just took, he's like, let's go in here. He put all the blankets and he's like, let's go have her like a sort of hanging out in the closet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was going to do like a Cambodian, like attacks, the sex attack. Yeah. A Cambodian. Put him in a little hole. You know what I mean? Pull pot. Little pull pot. Yeah.

Little pull pot action. Get him scared. You know what I mean? Put him in a closed room. And you know, took the lights off. And then after. Yeah. Went to Denny's.

And Bobby's like, you're paying for Denny's. I'm like, why am I paying for Denny's? And he's like, cause I don't have any money at times because you got late at it. And I was like, I didn't get laid. And he goes, I know you did. I'm like, I did not. And then he's like, let's come back to the room. I want to show you something.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he showed me in the closet. There's a vent. A ventilation grate. Yeah. And he goes, look at this.

And it looked straight up towards my bed. Straight up the gut of more of my legs. I've seen this guy fuck, bro. Did you jerk off to it? No. Cause the other girl was in the room with him. Who was going, who was she saying? He was so skinny.

It looked like Auschwitz. I mean, it was really sick. But, um, yeah, I mean he, she was cute. I thought, no, she was ugly. She was young. Right now I've probably been to it cause she was 22, 23. But like then it was like kind of grody. Yeah.

And then so we did that. Yeah. And then, then you were like, and your rule was, hey, here's the deal. We're going down. We're going to do spots. Uh, if either one of us, uh, he needed to get pills until you want it. But he goes, if either one of us get laid, we're not going to get hookers. But if we do get laid, no hookers.

And I was like, yeah, sure. And then I did get laid. And you were like, hookers anyway. Yeah. Cause I was so good. Yeah, I know. What about me? I went down.

I, you know, let, I, there was a lot. I just want to say that the truth is I think that was the one, the last times ever went down there. I was, I've only been there two times and that was one of them. Yeah. It's fun. It's gross. It's gross.

But it's so foreign. I haven't had those experiences as a girl. It's not for girls. I know what I'm saying. Like just to have, you know, just to go across the border and just fuck some, like hooker dudes, awful street burritos. And like, yeah. I feel like, I feel like a lot of girls would really have fun with that type

of experience. Some girls do go, but it's just not for them. Also with the pills and stuff makes it, it gives you that extra danger because you have to take all the like tin foil off of the pill jars. Yeah. Because you have to stuff it with a lot of cotton. So it doesn't rattle. You have to tape it to your body and walk across.

So not only are you like, So he got a, he bought 20 pills. You know those, those Tylenol pill bottles that are about the size of like, like this, like a two inches high. So Bobby's like, no, no, no, I'm buying the fucking 300 pill bottle. So many pills. He bought and filled that up. And it was fucking, it was like the size of this water bottle.

Yeah. Yeah. I tape it to my body and you have to like balance yourself when you're walking across to like the metal detectors. Yeah. Because there's dogs. Right. And there's like border patrol.

Oh, fuck the thing. And you're trying to not to shake. And I didn't. You know why? Because I'm fucking agile. I'm agile. I'm like that little guy from, from the oceans 11, the Malaysian guy. Oh yeah.

I'm not a torsionist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay.

I'm fat now. I wasn't fat then. You weren't thin. I know. But look at what I look like now. Yeah. Now you're gross. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You look different for sure. Right. I look different. Tell them about your plans to get beard implants. Yeah. I'm going to get beard implants.

Beard implants? Yeah. You grow a beard? Yeah. What? What? I've just never heard of that. Well, I know.

And I'm going to do it. Take it from your head and just put it in your ear. Why don't you get Sankapur? What's that? Sankapur? Oh yeah. You know about Sankapur? Yeah.

From watching your act a little while ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sankapur was that. It was mean.

I meant that. Yeah. The thing where you stab yourself because you're dishonored. Yeah. That's Japanese and that's Harry Carey, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's Harry Carey.

Yeah. That's Sankapur. Yeah. Sankapur is the eye operation. God, that's so. And with a nice accent too. Yeah. Yeah.

Sankapur. Sankapur. Yeah. And then what happened was we get back to LA and we're friends. We were BFFs. That was a great trip. And then, yeah, I had to get back. And there's a photo.

Yeah. We were on the top corner in one of those smaller rooms. Yeah. We took our Hollywood Boulevard. It's one of those like, like photo booths. Yeah. That didn't want us to take drawings. So it looks like it's drawn.

Yeah. We took that right after we saw this black dude running on the street with two boxes of sneakers, like running down the street where it's like, it took him like 30 seconds to get to us. Yeah. Yeah. And this Armenian guy running behind him like, you stop. You stop.

You stop. And me and Bobby just watched him run right past us. And we're like, wow. Did nothing. Nothing to help. So Hollywood Boulevard then is not what it's like now. Oh, right. I mean, when I used to drive from high school up to Hollywood Boulevard, you would have

like women just with their titties out like prostitutes. I mean, it was really, really grimy and scary. But so anyway, Ari, you know, we just in comedy, this and that, you know, I'm still on mad. And then Ari meets Natasha Legerro. Yeah. And you guys live together. No. No, we just dated.

We didn't live together. No. And then you're in love. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Deeply. Yeah.

Of course he was. No man would ever go through all of that and beat you up for three weeks. Let's get to it. Let's hold. Hold. Hold. I know. I build it up.

Build it up. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, you've seen Natasha. It's cool. And then I'm on Metia. I bring Ron Peterson to the comedy store. Yeah.

She's performing in the belly room. Right. Tiger belly room. Yeah. And he says, that girl's hot. I go, yeah. She's dating my friend Ari. I said, I don't care.

I don't know. Yeah. That's fine. So I go down to the OR to just a set. He stayed up there. He got her number. Right. Yeah.

She then we leave. I don't know anything about it at that point. But now, but apparently he is now. Sending love letters. Love letters. Love letters. Sending her flowers. Yeah.

Sending her to like the opera. Oh, fancy. That was like right towards the, right as we were breaking up. Right. That was like, I think one of their first dates or something. How did you find out about it? About what? Him.

I had her password for email and I was reading the fucking love letters. Boom. Boom. And you went crazy. I mean, I was like, what do I do here? I was thought of like just blocking his email so that she wouldn't know. So then there'd be like, I guess he's not emailing me anymore. Right.

But then I was like, no, let her make the right decision. That's a mistake. Which was wrong. Where were you at in your career at this point? Zero. Okay. I just need like just perspective. I wasn't, I wasn't even a paid regular.

I think I'm, I don't know. I was, I might have just been going up in the belly room. So here's this guy who's wooing her with the opera and everything. All these fancy things. He's got money. He's got money. He's on that TV. He's got money show.

Yeah. And right around then too, I started noticing one time I was at Natasha. She was in a studio apartment and I noticed this other guy was flirting with her. Here's how I noticed because she, I was on her computer. It was kind of a room like this, but like to say a bit over there. I know it's a computer over here. And she took a phone call and then went to the kitchen. And I was like, that's weird.

I'm thinking that. And then I looked to see who that was. I was like, okay, it's this guy flirting with you. When I, when I start, when I decided like, I think it's time for me to be jealous. I found stuff. Yeah. It was like, I was right to be jealous. But before that I was like, no, I didn't trust her.

But you were also in love, I think. Oh, with her? Yeah. For sure. For sure. I was suffering. Yeah. I'm suffering.

Pure suffering. Yeah. And I knew, and I knew he was sending her flowers because he said something, one of his emails like my, my delivery got, it was, it was late today, sorry, it'll be there tomorrow for the flowers. And I went over to her place and I saw the flowers and I was like, what are the, and she was like, she realized that I knew. Yeah.

And she was like, are you going to hit me? And I was like, what? No. Oh, Jesus. What did you do to her before? I was going to get in love with you. Yeah. I hit you.

It's going to be a sad thing, hit you. Jesus. And then. So then what? So then. So then I was, you know, crying in the bathtub. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Man. And Bobby called and Bobby called me and he was like, Hey, what happened? I saw them. I was driving down the sunset at Hollywood. I saw them going into the opera. Yeah. And I was like, what? And you're like, yeah, I saw them go to the opera and I don't know what it is.

I just want to know. And I pieced together the pieces that you were calling me because Ron was like, Hey, find out if they're still dating or if they fully broke up. Oh. Yeah. I did not know this part of the story. I pieced it together. Hold on.

So you're telling me that you were conspiring in the cheating. No. He was caught in the middle to be honest. I'm going to say this. And okay, let's just get this straight. Yeah. Oh, there are two sides to every story. Bitch.

I sort of fucking got it. Listen to what I have to say first, okay? And then you chime in. All right. Whether that be true or not. Whether that be true or not. It could be true. Right.

For sure. You know what? It's true. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right. All right.

I'm going to throw that out there. All right. I'm going to mad up. But the thing is, is that the thing that made you angry didn't happen, which is you thought that I had set them up. Right. Well, I found out that you, that he was showing you the love letters you was sending all the time.

I think you told me that. Yeah. And then, and then it was like, but you're like, I don't know what to do. Yeah. Yeah. I did not send them. I was heartbroken. It was a surprise to me.

That they were like, and shocking to me that they were, you know, seeing each other because I felt responsible. I'm trying to think now with no, with no emotion behind it now, if, if, okay, let's put it on here. If I'm trying to think who, I don't know, Faheem, start like hooking up with you when he was like, Hey, Aryan, I'm like, she's flirting back with me. I'm trying to think now, unemotionally evolved. If I'd be like, Oh no, Faheem, don't, you can't do that.

That's Bobby's girlfriend. Or if I'd be like, this is weird. I don't, I don't want to. Or what if we had already hooked up? Would you tell Bobby? It's different. I'll tell you why it's different. Okay.

Yeah. I'll tell you why it's different. What's this, this is that I'm new on mad. So it's a couple of years in. Yeah. He's new also. It's still in, in mad terms, that's pretty new. Okay.

You're not a regular yet. You're still featuring or whatever. Okay. And here's a guy who, um, he didn't get the show. He didn't audition. What happened was Martin Short, were they doing more white people? No, but Martin Short, Martin Short found him in Canada and personally came down with Ron.

Well, that's why he went right back to Canada. Right. So he was, he had Canadian heat on him. Yeah. Right. And these people that I'm, so, you know, I'm in a situation now where it's, I want Ron to like me. I love you, you know, but I'm in a situation.

Okay. You were always back then too. Always worried about everyone liking you. Yeah. I know now people hate me. That's fine. Okay. And I've accepted that.

That's fine. That's what the world is. One time I asked Bobby, we were in a car together and we were talking about somebody who didn't like him and I was like, and this is when we were still like really good friends before any of this. I was like, how come so many people hate you? And he was like, well, I'm like, I don't know, man, like a lot of, I didn't even know. I was just like questioning, like, why?

Yeah. He was like, what do you mean? I'm like, I don't know, man, like five people that I know, I hate you. And it's not like they all hate you from the same like party that you got drunk on or something. I was like, different hatreds. I was also hated in San Diego when I started. And I was like, I don't know nothing. I'm like, maybe it's your voice or something, man, it's something people hate.

I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you why. Yeah. Okay. I am going to tell you why. Yeah. All right. And the reason why I don't have a lot of enemies now. Yeah.

Is is that when I started, yeah, it's all I had comedy. Yeah. It's all I had. You nothing gets in the way. Right. All right. I was very opportunistic. Yeah.

Yeah. I cut through corners. I'm sorry. It's fine. Yeah. All right. And I did everything I could. I created some enemies.

Yeah. And in many, many situations, I was unlikable. I admit that I was young. All right. Yeah. I'm 45 now. I was in my twenties and I regret it. Different guy.

I regret it. Yeah. All right. So anyway, let's sorry. Anyway. No, I like this. Yeah. I like the emotion.

So here's the thing. Yeah. So Bobby called me for Intel forum and I was like, at first I was like, and then when I realized. But then you told me to break into his office to get things. Yeah. I was like going to his office and see, see what he's, see what she's been writing him. Yeah.

Yeah. Because he didn't have back then a hotmail. She had a hotmail account. Yeah. Yeah. You did. You could either set it to like save your sent messages or not. Right.

Gmail now it just saves. Right. And so I was like, I couldn't see what she was sending him. Yeah. So I was like, hey, go in there and find out. And you're like, I don't want to do it. Do it. And then you say, this is what you said to me.

What? You said, if you don't do it. Yeah. That means that you set them up. Oh, right. Which was, which was so absurd to me that his computer is at Fox. Right. We're on a television show.

So I have to fucking break into this Canadian guy's office. Somehow find his code. No, he's already logged in. I probably would have done it now. Yeah. But then it was just, it was, and I, that night. So then Friday comes around. And then it slowly hit me.

I was like, Oh, you were calling for, you weren't calling to say, Hey, I saw somebody driving down the street, you didn't drive down the street and happened to see Natasha and Ron going into an opera. Okay. Oh, now it's making sense. That's your little snake body. And then it's like, Oh, so I'm like, you know what? Fuck him.

Right. And then I saw you at the store. Yeah. And I was like, Hey dude, like it hit me now where you were on this. Yeah. I'm pretty mad. And you're like, and then the way you were smiling, like, could I just say one thing? Could I just say one thing?

Oh, God. I was like, Bobby, get the fuck away from me. I did that. I did that. And you're like, let me just say, I was like, I don't think you hitting like how much is this hurting me. You're like, let me just say one thing. I'm like, dude, get the fuck away.

I'm going to hit you. And then you kept doing it. And then I just punched you and you fell. So you didn't even give me the satisfaction of fighting back. But you kicked me when I was down there. Yeah. Well, you were down. Kick a man while he's down.

Yeah. Because it's easy. You can't punch a man while he's down. That's weird. Can I say something? Yeah. Your Bobby has told this story. Yeah.

Probably a good 12 times over the course of 90 episodes on this podcast. Wow. And every time it's always made me feel like, God, Ari is a fucking dick. Like for three weeks in a row, this is the first time where I completely see it your way. You're a fucking snake, Bobby. All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

And I do the little smile thing here. Yeah. Yeah. It's like if you're eating, if you're angry. If you're not angry, then it's fine. No big deal. Oh, I'm getting angry for you. Anytime you hear a story and you're like, wow, that's fucking crazy.

You got to stop and go, that is crazy. Yeah. I probably don't have all the details. Yeah. That's not normal. What I'm hearing. I just started yelling at you for no reason. All right.

All right. All right. It always sounded unprovoked. Right. That's a secret. I want to see it. I want to see it. Ari punched someone for no reason.

It seems weird. All right. All right. I'm going to defend myself. Okay. All right. You were young. You were young.

No, that's not the defense. All right. I was known to help a lot of young guys. No, I believe that. Okay. Yeah. I felt like, you know, Ari's helped me, but I've helped him a lot. We were friends.

We've had these experiences. Right. That's the reason why I'm done with John Caparillo. I'll say it on the fucking thing. Yeah. You're going to get 20 texts. No. Because I felt like I helped that kid.

Yeah. Right. And there was no respect, you know, coming from his end. And that's where the right animosity. So, you know, when you kick me in the face, it was the face not the body. You guys, I'm in body too. You should have saved. You should have saved afterwards till like Bobby, you're up and then I guess we got separated.

And then he was up and he was like, well, I got to do my spot. So he went and did his spot and his face started swelling up while he was on stage. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So he started to scratch. And Steve Renazizi, by the way, he was there. He was the cover booth guy who was having right in front of like Bobby was talking to Steve.

I went to check in. I saw Bobby. I was like, get the fuck away from me. Yeah. And then Steve was there and it took him probably about a good two, three minutes. Now 45 seconds, but that was enough for punch, down, kick, 45 seconds of long. How long? Let me ask you this.

How long would it take you if you wanted to going mid speed from the cover booth to where I was? If it was two of my, if it was two people, I knew, okay, there might be a second like, wait, what the fuck is happening? Like what's happening? Like to grasp it. Yeah. And then we realized like, I got to, I got to do something.

10 seconds. 20 seconds. It with the, what? I got to run out, come around, 20 seconds tops. Right. So he 45 seconds. So he 30 seconds of, of watching. Oh yeah.

Entertainment. Entertainment. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that happened. I went up and I went to the. Kick you.

That when the, when the, when the, when the leg sex stops. Body. Like you kick a soccer ball, your leg goes through the soccer ball. You keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like kicking a wall, but like just like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It felt so good. It felt great. Yeah. And then I went to the management of the store. Freddie told me what he found out too. He's like, wait, you can punch him.

I didn't know that. I was trying to like mentally fuck with him, but I didn't realize you could just punch him. Yeah. I went to the manager of the store and I go, I, I, I demand for him to get banned. It was like the worst thing they could have. And they said, no. It was a manager back then.

I don't remember. Yeah. So a week goes by. Yeah. And then, but here's enough. Here's the thing. The psychology behind it. The thing is, is that punch me now.

There's been other people that punched me, but I also owed you money. You owe me $5,000. $5,000. A lot of it has to, and it took me a long time to even get him the money back. Yeah. Which he was making that much in a week and I eventually had to start borrowing money to pay my rent. So that's where I think his resentment was partly.

Yeah. A little bit. I needed the money for sure. Yeah. But I felt justified and be like, this motherfucker didn't even pay back my money. I'm borrowing my money. But also I'm the one that got him a commercial agent for him to have money. But Bob is the only kind of guy who will bring that over your head.

Everyone else is like, let me help you and then never think about it again. All right. Bobby's like, you owe me. All right. That's all right. Aqua. That wasn't Aqua then, right? Aqua, yeah.

No, no. It was Origin back then. Origin back then. Yeah. Yeah. So then the week later, you come up to me and say, I want my money. And you strangled me in the hallway. Yeah, I was wrong.

Because I remember because there was flood. I had, I had, I was like, it was like a two finger. Yeah. I was like this, like that. And then you were like, you didn't like, I was like, hey, I want my money. Yeah. Just these two. And then you were like, you started coming towards me.

Yeah. And I was like, no. And I just started squeezing. Why would you go to Orphan? I had a long nail. Because he was like. Yeah. He had one of those long like.

Like a coke nail. Coke nail. And it dug right into the skin and started bleeding. Oh, God. I went upstairs because this is when I was dating Sarah. Yeah. Right. And she was upstairs doing some sort of Adam.

I wanted to fuck her to get back at you. It was like, I'm not even into it. But I was like, yeah, I think I'll do this. I think I'll do this. It hurt you. But once you broke up, I was like, I know you still care. Yeah. Oh, my God.

So then it's amazing. This guy. I love it. So now. I still only had sex with seven people. There's no way I could pull her. It wasn't like I could do it. I'm not the Leo.

So now at this point, you know, neck bleeding the week before it beat me up. Now I hate him. And I'm scared. Like I literally have like kind of a PTSD kind of a situation where I'm like. Choked by it. Yeah. It's just trauma and no one will help me. You know how you were young?

I was young too. And this is why now when I see people like when they go crazy and it's over like heartbreak, I'm like, oh, you can't judge them. They're not thinking right. Yeah. They're young and crazy. Yeah. But then here's what happened.

So then the next week, Ari auditions for Mind of Mencia. Yeah. Right. Yeah. This is before the Mencia Rogan stuff happened. Yeah. And the Mencia wasn't in the auditioning room. It was Robert Morton that hired him because you, I guess what Robert told me that he would

audition for. Yeah. I think it was a woman casting director. But like they approved it. Yeah. Robert Morton approved it. Yeah. But Ari didn't know.

So I mean, Carlos Mencia didn't know. So when Carlos finds out that Ari had booked the job in a sketch and we were fighting. He called you and said, Hey, bro, I can't have you on my show. No, no, no. No. They just said they brought out the part. He didn't call me at all. He didn't call you?

Oh, he's the worst, man. He's, you know, he's called you. He's like, Oh yeah, man, they just wrote out the part. It's nothing. It was okay. So he told me that he had called you and said, Hey, bro, you can't beat up my friend and all that stuff. He, he sits on the back like, Hey, you got to stop being at my friend.

And then later it was like the part was written out. No, he's, he'll never. Oh, so anyway, but did you think that I'm the one because that's what I asked him to fire me. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't. Yeah.

I want to let you know right now. Yeah. I wasn't. Okay. I believe you. Okay. Why would I do that? I didn't even know about it.

Wait. I mean, if you had questions, why would I do that? The answer is clearly this guy just punched me two times. Can you please get him fired? Yeah. It's very obvious. Why would I, how would I even know that you got hired and all that stuff? I don't know.

Carlos going, Hey, that guy got a job on my show. You're like, Hey, can you get him? Not that. I'm not saying you did. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't do it. And so then I was like, Bobby got me fired.

I was like, well, that's a line in comedy where it's like, it's so hard to find jobs. You can't fuck with someone's income, but with their job, with their try to this career so hard. Right. Right. So. And I was like, well, I have to punch you. Now, the rest was rageful.

This is like, no, no, this is the right thing to do. So I'm at the parking lot at the comedy store and I just hear running, running. And when you hear running, you just think that people are just jogging, whatever. You don't think that somebody's going to do a Superman punch from behind. I was finding David Mischewitz. I saw Bobby and I go, excuse me, David, I think there's something real calm. Yeah. Yeah.

I need to take care of this. Yeah. But he just. Bobby starts running away. I jumped. Hit me from the back and then I felt again, felt like your number one defensive move. Okay. I'm sick right now.

That's my defensive move. I wrestle in college. No, no, no. How tall are you? Six foot three. Yeah. I'm five, four. You have a better.

Yeah. Center of gravity. Center of gravity. Yeah. You're a one-up. Plus you outweigh even by 50 pounds. Okay. So George, you're laughing way too hard at that.

You are laughing pretty hard. George, give it up. So then I go to the. Right side of the room. Yeah. So I go to the cover boot. Another cover boot. I go to the office to call the police.

Yeah. And Steve run a zizzy. Yeah. To his credit. He pulls the fucking court out of the wall. Damn. So they don't call the police. Yeah.

And his excuse was it was a Friday and he goes, if Ari goes to prison, he'll stay there over the weekend. Yeah. Cause you don't get to see him. And then they told you. They told me he was calling the police. So like I left my apartment. I was like, I gotta get out of here because I'll come to my apartment.

So I just left once it's like open mic or something and just like, I got to stay up till like 2am. So the police won't find me. Right. Did they ban you then? I think for a month or something after that. They banned me. And then, um, yeah, they're like, you can't be beating up Bobby three times.

Two is okay. But yeah, we have a no beating up Bobby three times. Yeah. And then, uh, I was banned and that when I was, during when I was banned, I heard Freddie died. Or as he's called me, so Freddie died and I couldn't believe it. I lived down the street, like right next to the pink dot of the store. And I walked down there and I remember sitting on the curb, like outside seeing somebody

hugging them and then just like sitting there like crying. And then Don Barris came by and goes, well, I'm glad to see you're respecting the ban. I'm not coming in the building. Oh, you didn't go in. Well, not because of that, but just because like, you know, I broke down there, but, and then it's sort of, they like talked to Bobby and work it out. And so I was like, fine, let's talk. Yeah.

And you're like, I just, I'm like, fine. Okay. Talk then. This is not what I wanted. I was like, then do it. Yeah. But he's also, he would also do this. Even after he got back in, I'd walk down the hallway and he would just say shit.

Like here's the dumbest guy in the fucking building. I know what would bother you. Yeah. Things that he knew that would bother me. You just, you can't even get a thought together. You can't even speak English to that. And you're born here. You're like, he would say shit to get me riled up.

And I would just be like, I can't even come here. I hate this guy and it was like that for years. You'd be holding court. There'd be like four people around, you know, him and like three of the people talking like, what are you doing? Listening to Bobby's lies. You're lying about something. That's what you do.

You lie. I just like, how you say it? I'm just trying to fucking conversation. I'm like, no, you're not allowed. Oh my God. How did all your friends react to all this? You know, a commonser would love drama. Love's conflicts.

Oh, there was. Okay. There's some divisions. That was pretty good psychological warfare. Oh my God. I hated him. Props. Pretty good.

Pretty good already. Very good. And then how long was it? Years, five years? Two years. I think four years. Could be four or five years. five years of not talking to him at all that's crazy just coming in I would do

this thing that I learned from dice where I gotta stand up for this yeah if like four people in a circle yeah and then like let's say you guys all talking to your Bobby stand up stand up but let's say the table's not here yeah and everyone's talking and I'll just go like I'll just come in I'll just go like so what are you guys talking about yeah yeah I used to do that move yeah I used to do that move so fucking roof that's a dice move it's a good move so it's not like you even stayed out of his way you really like oh no we're yeah I'm like oh let me let me fuck on the real quick and I'll give him a set the dice also has a

thing where where if if people asked because back then there was no cell phones and they would have like these portable ones or whatever cameras yeah cameras right and they he would go if he people wanted to photo with them he'd make us take it yeah but we had to crop him out of it it was so weird right so we would shoot it and then when they got the film back dice wouldn't be in it yeah half their face like this you have to angle it and get his shoes you know real fast right the first time he didn't even tell me that was happening he was like yeah yeah I'll take a picture you never took pictures I'll take a picture with

you yeah Ari Ari you take the picture he hands me but he handed me like this and take it and he goes yeah and look at you yeah yeah and I was like okay and then I took it and then I didn't know and they laughed he goes did you get me in it at all no it's a good boy yeah I mean you you you just knew I signed so many dice autographs when they were like all right send it to the back are you sign it like you're right here you can just do it I mean what I was working the door and he came up to me jing we'll go in the Vegas and I just they just let me leave with them wow all right you're off the door you gotta go to Vegas with

dice right and he called you bad luck right oh my god for fucking that's another one yeah why I worked at the door right first of all he's called me ching yeah for 15 fucking years I love the guy like it's Lee it's also a stereotypical name go with the one that I already have right why put the effort yeah but then he goes it's as jing your money it's not racist right so he goes gambling in the Bellagio Mirage and he lost a half a million dollars within within 12 hours and I had no money at the time and he said if I come up you're gonna get like 10% of my money so I because he thought I was good luck so I

was sitting next to him him losing all this fucking money he would do 10,000 bets I didn't have a bank account yeah right and then when he lost all that money we flew back he didn't talk to me for years and he told everyone that I was bad luck you're cooler I mean the shit that I had to fucking deal with brawl right sorry and then one day out of the blue after five years of not talking to Ari I get a call from you yeah and what was it well I sort of just got why I call what happened I got the number from Renazisi why I was like hey what's what's Bobby's number and he gave me your number one number off as if

he's like I don't want to get involved well I remember enough to be like I was like it's pretty much is this still his numbers when he gave it one off I was like that's definitely not one off from his number I know I've had the same number for forever don't say it don't he's gonna have to edit it out yeah yeah wow good memory as incredible take that out yeah so what was happening in your life I was like okay the rage wasn't there anymore and I was still acting on it but it was like unbased now at this point so I'm still like going over to him and like you're so stupid it's not being fun yeah there's no

passion behind anymore that the feelings for Natasha were so gone yeah right but the feelings for him persisted longer just like you get addicted to your hatred you know yeah yeah and maybe it's a stuff maybe not but like oh one time you said oh yeah yeah it was no it was no it was called alcoholics you thought it was a meeting that was speaking yet but it was a show called the alcoholics for AA and Ari goes I'm gonna show up to that thing it's a show but it was all AA people doing in front of I thought it was a meeting it wasn't a meeting through giving a speech and he goes um I'm gonna show up I'm

gonna fuck up your speech yeah that's what he said so I had my sponsor at the time Richie and all his sponsors have photos of Ari walking around this fucking auditorium to see if they see this fucking guy I'm at home I mean that's the kind of heartache this guy fucking you know what I wanted to do what what's the apology step what is that ninth step I was I was gonna like wait to talk about hey Bobby what about apology have you done that cuz I mean I haven't heard anything I'm waiting for that number nine okay so in this whole time you never actually said hey I'm so sorry I fucked up Bobby didn't have that

back then he was just like what is it me was it me blame was I said it was never Bobby's fault nothing was ever we would stop for a second all right yeah this the theory behind it was the thing that he told me yeah was is that I set them up that's what I thought no I know but the anger was about the anger was that you knew the whole time never told me you would listen to that you would hear because watch his love letters and I was like wait I'm in love with this girl and you see love yeah it's okay there you go finally I'm sorry I mean I you know I so I'm not done I am let me if I want to apologize let me apologize in the

realest way let me take my hand off the number nine here's the thing there's no justification for it okay and this is wrong but my what I was feeling then was because you know when I got on demand it wasn't good for me in the beginning to get on there yeah I mean I when I was on they wouldn't put me on I had problems that's why I was complaining about yeah yeah it was a terrible thing and I got felt like I was caught in between this thing and I was protecting my own ass and that was wrong I should have been more upfront and honest and I fucked up it's hard to have that to be like hey man that's my

friend's girlfriend yeah I listen you do whatever you want don't follow show me this shit yeah I should have done that yeah but I didn't yeah I didn't do it and um yeah I I apologize yeah I should have done that and I by the way my relationship with him is none who Ron what happened to him so where did I go to Canada and he I he's like gay but like just doing a musical theater when they're too deep yeah right yeah Natasha's like fabulous yeah yeah you know just so he just calls me out of the blue do we have lunch or whatever what happened so I called him I got his number what I saw him I saw Bobby in the

front hallway the store holding court you know five years later yeah and then I just didn't have the energy to go in there and be like and break it up him having talked with friends and so I just turned and I walked I walked back into the room and went find another crap but then I was like well there's three other people there that I would have liked to talk to and I'm walking away from like conversations I want over this anger I don't even have anymore and I'm just like you know just moments of realization where you're like what am I doing I'm gonna change my life yeah so I was just gonna call got your number and I texted

you and I was like is this so Bobby's number you're like no it's his cousin oh yeah yeah and I could I could sort of believe that I was like I could see Bobby just giving his phone to somebody this is a guy who got his car towed and then just never paid the toll and then eventually they just took it they took his car yeah pretty new car brand new two weeks two weeks old and then they just it was just because I didn't know how but I always own and then it's like just have it okay yeah so I could see him I could see him just giving his phone to somebody and I was like oh well can you tell Bobby that RH fear this

guy knows wants to talk to him find his number or something and then you were like I think you were like yeah it's Bobby okay I know but I was like hey man I think it's over something long lines like I don't want to fight anymore I get it I punch you a bunch of times you don't have to talk to me I understand if you don't want to but I'm done being mean to you I'll avoid you stay out of your way if you want to be friends that's fine too but I totally get out of the way but I'm done being hateful towards you yeah and then when I saw you I punched you right in the fucking face you didn't see it coming I was it

when he when he contacted me I was it it's so crazy how an apology can just you can just stop stuff and it can't it went right back to what it was I think in many ways it was I let go of I had no resentment of that at all and we've worked together I've done a show a couple of times and his live shows and stuff and we actually did one you know version of his show with Natasha Steve and me and Ari doing the story vaguely for his show so comics love that yeah so to me it's like you know under the bridge it's something that happened I've had wars with a lot of people you wouldn't show up the first time I first

time I asked him to the show he's like yeah okay and there's like I stopped I stopped getting return text from him this is after we're already friends again yeah I don't think Bob is gonna come and I'm like dude what the fuck are you coming and I goes I can't I have a new girlfriend you and he was like I can't talk about the hookers she knows everything yeah you're so much better now they let everything out of it yeah in the beginning though you have to hide this yeah you release it through time well I think it was a month into us dating and I came into another two months after and I'd never been to his

house before he always just came to Long Beach to see me I come in here and it was just it wasn't even a livable like habitable place it was just a mound of shoes in here there was nothing yeah so I was like you know what I'm going to fix you fix yeah I'm gonna fix you and while fixing this entire place I must have found about 90 to 92 pictures of just him spreading hookers butt cheeks apart I love that pictures not 92 if you're listening and I was my mom listen all right there's about four you did such weird stuff when all the time I know you know what I liked about you one of the old days take me in favor can you go to the

fridge as a freezer and get the candy bars ahead in there I put some candy bars oh it's on the shelf you had a day where you were putting candy bars up your asshole yeah those are the good old days let's get these candy bars out that's why I bought candy bars I put them in the freezer first of all I'm on a ABC show now I'm not sticking to fake candy yeah you are man okay okay okay I don't know which one all right yeah I can say this okay I swore to God I'm not sticking to fucking candy bars yeah you are no why would you do this this is who you are Bobby you're not hateful anymore I'm not

saying go all the way 45 try to pull them back how about this oh well you know what I will stick it in my body you know why great great what I can edit this thing hey sweetie you should go for the twitch okay all right please don't put that payday in there all right all right I'll stick it you know me we're editing this part okay you're not editing you'll leave it in oh I'm not leaving it you will for sure leave it in because you're a man maybe I had you wrong I'll stick a fucking candy bar on my bottle because I never saw it I guess you never saw you've heard about it my specials out right now oh my god Bobby

sweetie careful slowly I can't I can't I can't I can't I'm not sticking in let me work at the courage that's my chocolate it doesn't like chocolate you have a clean boy careful slowly Bobby slowly George what the fuck this episode is brought to you by Twix the great taste and shit's out easily oh my god you should have its wicks all right chocolate enough it's not chocolate enough how quickly convince you it's that's what comedy was in the old days you want to hear something that I did I was I was I do a sports podcast punch during sports I Skype in because I just do it here and I moved to New York so I

Skype in and I was I take shits all the time and I just like suddenly like are you shitting while you're doing this and that's okay it's a different one yeah and then I'm constantly shitting show my dick and stuff and so I was shitting and Lewis Gomez was on it was in studio and he was like and I take my wipe in the short to the camera like all right disgusting and it was going was like hey can you take that the shit and put it under your eyes like you're a football player and I was like you know but Lewis like I can already see on your face you're considering it cuz you know it's funny and the showers right behind you

and you can easily shower off and so yeah I just do that and then I was like and then I showered oh you know the funnier things going you gotta fuck it do I know but Ari look at this yeah I got a call yeah from ABC yeah you know what ABCs for Stanford yeah always but chocolate stop they said stop just ease up on the shit I know but I gotta stay on a fucking thing so I can make enough money to buy a house oh okay I know I'm not like you into the wild alright and like corporations but you know my thing right now is I you know my dad's gonna die I need another house for my mom to live in you know there's things I'm

looking in the future I want to marry call I'll have kids I want to do things man is that you just proposed was that how you did it but you know I want I want to be able to like you can still do that and stick shit up your butt you can be who you are you are who you are they know who you are what do they tell you what do they tell you I don't want to lose this thing that I have yeah like keep it cool right you know that you know what you actually do have what pure freedom and you're losing that that's what you're losing I don't think it's sticking a twix up your butt is really anything that doesn't yeah that's

crazy but that's not racist yeah there are worse things that they're gonna look for than sticking chocolate up your butt if you called it if you called it I just called it niggersnack but I can't believe you just said that but my point is this is that my asshole is kind of sore right it really is because of the coldness I had a closely better free that's why I put in the freezer now I would have rather had it soft really yeah yeah yeah I know that felt fucking weird but it was it went all the way and did you get some of that yeah cameras right here and open yeah it'll open up in the camera yeah so Ari and I are good

I can't fucking believe that happened and that's why and I you know what I want to get to a point like you were on free you are free Bobby just don't fucking let them put you back in a box you have enough money you don't need a house you can take care of your mom without a fucking massive house she live in an apartment somewhere you have plenty of money you already have plenty of money so now you're like going back into slavery for what for a little more you have more money than 98% of the country not even the world the country yeah and you're gonna you're gonna fucking enslave yourself you're a free creative

person I'll stick that payday up your butt he goes through all the candy bars yeah I was already doing it man hey dude I heard what you said I heard what you said there I'm absorbing it I mean at this point I'm not gonna get into a legal thing and get out of the show but like I get what you're saying yeah right yeah okay you can still do their shows but just when they tell you like hey we're not sure not to this other things like oh no you can't tell me that right I'll just walk yeah I'd rather not but like don't tell me how to live my life right you're right tell me what to show

up we have a contract absolutely I'll show up and I do okay you're right you're 100% correct you ain't a Christian who has his dark life your Bobby lead to begin with you bring them fans because they're fans of this show if they didn't know this about you then now I mean that's on them yeah you've always just existed you've been doing podcasts and talking all sorts of crazy shit for a decade yeah that's their fault for not all right all right one time I got a note from up from a network they said like hey you just did an interview and you called for people to assassinate government officials yeah I did do that what

happened between you and Comedy Central I can't the only way I'll just sound bitter if I talk about it I can't talk about it I'll tell you I'm gonna tell you what happened I'll tell you off can I get a guess I can't I'm we can't talk you don't have to say can I guess yeah you can guess but I won't say I won't tell you yes or no I will tell you off air I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna guess okay okay you I'm gonna hold on I'm gonna try to not react anyway I'll poke or it all right you wanted to do a Netflix special so you did one and as retribution they took you off your own show and hired a different host oh because

they wanted your special and you said no I want to do it with Netflix so they got somebody else to host a show which is your show that you created and that's where we're at am I close am I close I'm but can't talk about it my close so just keep it with your eyes that's just your afterwards all right that was it that's 100% it and that's fucking crazy it's fucking crazy because the thing is is that you created that thing I remember dude after we became friends right and you and I were sitting on those steps back steps no the front steps and I said to you how come you know you're not on common sense or whatever you go oh no

it's never gonna happen with yeah at some point they were just not into me they would never give them one day they were do my own thing because you did your own thing you did yours you're you're got a following you got yours following your show you did it grass roots yeah to my own special and they gave your special and they gave you that show which is a great show it's very good yeah all right and um you know why because I'm a comic and because the comic became producer I said like here's where we're gonna do it yeah we're gonna not tell them what they can say what they can't say yeah I blocked every note unless it was like

hey we can't this is all in a McDonald's we can't use it I blocked every note that wasn't indefinite yeah I'll tell them and then I just wouldn't tell them and then it's like we'll bleep it if we have to bleep it I'm not telling the comments to change your stuff yeah let them go as long as they want yeah make six minutes like I'll edit it later we're not gonna do this yeah trust me it's be great wow and then they fucking took it away it's incredible this business anyway what do we have time we're an hour how long do you do an hour but here's the thing I have a Netflix special on yeah right now he has a

Netflix special out right now double double negative it's a double special it's a double special two hours long 45 and 45 okay 45 and 45 you have to watch it and he's an old dear friend of mine follow his podcast follow everything that he does and I honestly believe that we can do another one of these soon what you will being I mean when you get back in town you're about yeah because there's so many other things that we didn't talk about yeah I wanted to talk about but we just don't have like what else do I talk about topic just about like like stuff like stuff that's going on in the middle of Bill Cosby yeah I'm gonna get

free give it up I have a question you high-five I don't know what he was saying I was far more dangerous for you yeah I have a question yes so when you check a girlfriend's email and you see fine there's the only time I've ever done it so I don't have a lot of experience whereas it this is my question yeah so this is the first and only time you had done something like that and my space and you found stuff like so conclusive so fucking yeah how can you not check every woman's email after that if you have even a slight suspicion knowing that the first time you did it you found just a gold

mine yeah after that I still have some trust for I've seen horrible female behavior I probably male too but I don't notice that cuz I'm not into men you know but like I've seen women at the comedy store go to the bathroom fuck a guy a random comic then come back and sit with her boyfriend yeah yeah and then be all cuddly right and have no idea like they just got right right right on the middle of a date let's stop if you ever fucking do that I know you I trust you you'll never do it but when you know they're I know but I know she's not even capable but I'm gonna say I will cry for a year straight I will cry for the

I'm with you there I used to live in Vegas and I have some seedy friends who would fuck a chick in the parking lot and then meet up with their with their wives at the poker table and I've seen this like time and time again so I have that same feeling so you know I'm somebody who's like a naturally suspicious person and I have checked let's say a boyfriend or a significant others like email in the past and I've found stuff before so like that carries over into every single relationship so to practice that kind of restraint and say even when you have a little bit of a suspicion over someone and say no that's

unhealthy I shouldn't fall into that pit I shouldn't check is really really hard yeah yeah it is well after that I sort of went through this thing where I met it I met a girl before we broke I met a girl on a commercial shoot she was I think wardrobe and the wardrobe people and the hair and makeup people are the coolest people on commercials they got style just they're just chill cool people and so I'd usually hang out with them I wouldn't hang out with like directors and stuff I don't know I just wasn't that guy anyway this girl was like cool we start talking about like Quentin Tarantino she was a fan so am I and he was she was

like you know he's bringing some movie from from from Japan over here and it's like I was like oh really should we start talking about it like we should go like yeah for sure just friendly and then and then we kept talking kept talking was like five hours of just talking all the time then it started getting flirtier and but I had that girlfriend Natasha the time and then it was like until I left was like okay and I realized oh this is gonna be a date before he's just like all right two people but now it's gonna be a dad I had to call him okay I don't think I can go with you cuz I got this girlfriend she's like

we could go just as friends and was like yeah but feel like we sort of just want to pass that already yeah yeah yeah and then I find out that you know she wasn't like cheating but she was unfaithful let's say and then it was like why I had a chance with like this girl that I hit it off with that I didn't go for over relationship it didn't go anywhere yeah that was ending yeah I'm like that would have been really nice so then I just started going like I'm done with monogamy I'm just like hey you fuck whoever you want I'm gonna fuck whoever I want I'm just not gonna get jealous with you so my next girlfriend

it was like or two girls later was like just open and so we're like let I'll let you know if I got a date let me know Aaron what was Aaron no no that was later alley alley yeah yeah yeah I got married in the belly room you know I also had people like if Bobby comes so it was all about I had people pacing that door kind of my wedding but like and so then it's just like you know if you're on a date I'll assume if you don't come home you're fucking it's fine so there's no reason to be jealous because we'll always tell each other right so it's like and she would tell me plenty of times so there's no reason we're living

together yeah we live together we had two rules we had no no doing it in the door in the in the door in the fucking apartment yeah and then no Asians and then did that last that kind of relationship yeah longer than any relationship ever had four years and then now you have nobody I've lots that's right have you guys heard of is it I don't know if it's called so low gummy is it so low gummy so low gummy yeah it's like you're basically you're not you don't stop dating people but you just sort of marry yourself you marry to the idea of being like a forever bachelor oh yeah I'm not looking for like I'm just

not looking for that anymore I sometimes I am but then it would mean like I maybe just haven't met anybody it's like you know why all magical and these guys to you burn yeah you know Renna Zizzi their date oh I'm sorry sorry again but you see these relationship marriages that seem to be working mm-hmm you don't think that that's a part of your future I pity them you really yeah I really do with their kids and everything with the kids also I see them in their moments that and their public like everything's great but I see them in the moments me to remember Reep right everything was growing great everything's going no we

love each other and then they fought for divorce like three days after they said everything was great yeah I was like oh you were living in hell and that this public like smile yeah so I what I do is I try to live my life to make those people jealous yeah for real I'm not gonna sit around playing Xbox all day doing nothing like if I'm single guess what I'm gonna go to Indonesia for a month shit that you would love to do but you can't because you have this fucking kid right you know I'm gonna fuck nines I'm gonna go out there and fucking do shit move to New York in the job of a hat because I'm like you know you did do

that I'm gonna do you are so fucking free now bro free man yeah you're free too and you can work with them but don't work for them right ladies and gentlemen God darn it what a fucking night darn it next time I come back we'll do this again we have to do it again we do a question what's it called unhelpful advice unhelpful of us yeah you're not gonna I can already tell but do it anyway unhelpful advice with Bobby Kalilah and his best buddy Ari with a voice from so black hi y'all my from Minnesota here just recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years I initiated the breakup and it was really

sad for both of us we got a place together a cat I really wanted everything to work out but deep down I was really unhappy how do I move on from this and do you have any advice on how to get to know yourself again after being with someone for so long how long four years four years and she's an Asian girl from Minnesota hold no age okay can I tell you something yeah someone just wrote this in yeah this girl's been sending naked pictures on Snapchat she yeah from Minnesota Asian girl boy friend of four years yeah the cats for real oh yeah what does she look like Instagram Instagram Instagram are you being real

yeah I'm being completely because I put a thing on Twitter so like ask your question hold can I see your handle just so I could see what she looks like I mean that's fucking Minnesota went off a little bit and then the cats in the four years and she was like yeah I just got a four-year relationship well looks like she's doing just fine then if she's able to send you it's she's pretty good yeah yeah yeah then she's fine what are you writing for what a waste of time that is oh yeah I thought you were joking whoa that's crazy crazy wait I don't understand she wrote you she wrote she's how does she find you they're all

apart listen they all bleed over you know that right yeah so what was her problem again already already I don't want to hear how do you move off in your relationship by sending news over here wow that's crazy we have no advice for you so Ari's Netflix special Ari's gonna go to New York he plays at the cellar a lot right so the stand and all that stuff I got a podcast called skeptic tank yeah I've done it and this is it was a great one I felt something right now I felt at times in this podcast very uncomfortable was when you had it to accept your butt no that was fine that felt like because now I was

able to analyze the thing right to see it in from his point of view and I could I handle myself this is the first time I thought that where I was that I could have done a lot of things differently and then I was like fault everyone goes I was not a fault at all and any any conflict right but I was and I my eyes I saw it and that felt made me feel uncomfortable and that was it was just a revelation this one so I mean the next time he comes back we can get back into normal things but no more twig that's why you brought fucking candy bars put them in the freezer you eat candy bars every brand

psychological warfare this is one was like I'm gonna do tiger belly I know you guys get crazy I've heard shit I know the last time once your apartment somewhere else was like what were you doing like we were putting candy bars on yeah we're gonna be doing that we're gonna be doing that on tiger belly what I suppose to give to this lady just how do you know oh I mean at this point it's time time time that's just how it works when people are heartbroken you're like you won't be in fucking a year it's so funny because when I was 19 I used to drive by this girl Rebecca Dreskin's apartment in PD yeah and she would I

knew like like around 130 she's gonna have from work and she would keep the lights on when she was undressing to put armor in it right and I'd see her silhouette through the fucking window because you had your nose on the window and I was with my brother one time my brother goes man Bobby this is weird and I used to ups I thought I did that all the time weird shit and I was obsessed and heartbroken you know and I'm just not like that you change yeah right I don't know if I can get like that for a girl anymore I just I'm honestly don't know it's been miss that feeling 2009 despair for somebody like

in your 20s yeah it's like having a high right now I feel that too like cool nightmare once in a while yeah like I love you very much it's a steady love yeah but I don't feel desperate for you you know you're never gonna feel that I know I know your whole life is consumed by it yeah like every song is about it I remember being Hawaii right and there was nothing compares to you was playing on this little radio yeah and I was literally crying thinking of this girl named Tara black I was really crying about it yeah I mean it's like little it was and now I mean I love Kailah she's like family yeah you know

she's beautiful and all that but I don't have that like crushing emotional thing yeah and that's but the thing is that's not real what do you mean it's not real you're young yeah it's you don't have but that's when you can get someone to like kill their husband yeah you know yeah I'll do it yeah yeah you know I'm jealous of all those women on snapped because they they're in their 40s and they still kill people so they've had to have felt that type of desperation at that age yeah the people who'd still like Mark Maron who's still fought like falls in love all the time

those are the people that always eat them off and top of everything they love beginnings yeah they love beginnings and they love that feeling of the first six months and then it's like onto I have friends like but they get all in like jump straight yeah like pedal to the metal yeah but the excitement of just me being in my career my other things that I liked I mean there's just so many other things I don't just get you know love isn't my whole the center of my universe right I love Kailah she's were partners but one of my 20s it was what I lived for what is pussy or love right now it's not the center it's like my

sobriety it's you know other things politics I'm considering there's so many different things that you think about in your day but back when I was young it was all about love and pussy I'm sorry I was thinking about your dick it's so dark oh you saw it right now what you saw it well you put your pants yeah my dick is all so dark it's awful weird well I how do you live with yourself like what do you live with myself I like the color gray yeah my favorite and yeah I always say it's ET in the river when he was sick you know the Langoliers you know the Stephen King book about how these people want to

plane it and sort of the day like eats itself every day cleaned up and these people got through into the where the world was getting cleaned yeah and everything is like a little dark like stuff doesn't taste like they find food but it's like there's no taste to it and there's like you say my dick yeah your dick is in the Langolier you know what I'm gonna let that go I don't think I don't think you saw it clearly I'm clearly not let me see it because I don't want to say I just want to say this yeah it's because my cubes you're working up a bone it's so dark it's dark yeah it's like it has a gradation to

it it's very light up to the tip it's a nice pink pink and gray cut that out it looks like all that looks like a rabbit anyway um thanks for coming by everybody you guys want to plug it one more time all right yeah special that's on Netflix right now it's called double negative children and adulthood the two sides see it all at once different times you know have a good time tell your friends how about your family over watching together unless you really love children then you're not gonna like it doing Bobby all right thanks guys make sure you follow us on tiger belly at tiger belly on Instagram and on Twitter

at the tiger belly or you can email us any questions like unhelpful advice at the tiger belly at gmail.com and if you haven't already make sure you go to survey.lipson.com slash tiger belly and help us out to find out you know you answer some questions for us all right guys have a good one bye hey prime members you can listen to tiger belly ad-free on Amazon music download the Amazon music app today or you can listen ad-free with Wondry plus in Apple podcast before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short

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