TigerBelly - Fortune Feimster Talks Arnold, Will Ferrell, and Hula Hoops

Episode Date: May 14, 2025

Comedian Fortune Feimster joins us for the first time, and Bobo creates more wars. We chat star manifesting, lesbian soldiers, horny foods, Christian vibes, feverish gums, and the importance of “leave’n no tweet’n.” Start paying rent through Bilt and take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to www.joinbilt.com/belly. That’s www.joinbilt.com/belly. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you: www.joinbilt.com/belly, to sign up for Bilt today. Download the app today and use code BELLY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup! That’s code BELLY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup! PrizePicks Run Your Game https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/BELLY

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You know, you really made it, I think, in the business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to hear all the stories. Are you playing me a love song? Well, no, I just, you know. He's not very good. What? What do you say?

He's very good at. You're going to be here to turn me straight. Just the intervention. It is. Can you please be? straight so we can date forever Forcedure, ladies and gentlemen

Give her a round of applause, everybody This is a long time coming because we've had you booked a couple of times, right? And because of schedule and conflicts and my Your lack of commitment. No, that doesn't what it is. No, it's just my crazy schedule. Yeah.

You know, but I'm so glad that you came today. I'm so happy to be here. Yeah, and this is a long time coming, and I've always been a very big fan. I have some gripes that I have toward you, like I always do. We'll get into it. But it's not your fault. Okay. I didn't do anything.

You didn't do anything wrong. You were just being funny. Okay. And being your true authentic self. I can handle that. Okay, well, one time. Oh, we're getting right to do it. I have to get out these things first, you know what I mean?

Because it's all in my own head, and you did nothing wrong. Okay. You were just being funny. Okay. Okay. And you. Okay. And I was being not me. Okay.

So we're doing Chelsea lately. Uh-huh. Oh, wow. This goes back back. It goes back, back. You've been holding on to this for a minute. Yeah, Vietnam. Yeah, Vietnam.

And so I was doing, and I had a joke, bomb so hard. You weren't there. Okay. Yet, right? So they go, you know, you know how Chelsea lately works is that, you know, everybody has a joke. Yeah. I did mine third. It got nothing in the,

thing, right? And then out of nowhere Chelsea goes, here's Fortune Feimster! You came out with a hulu hoop Oh yeah. You remember that? That's a real crowd, please. Yeah, yeah. And you were crushing. You were, you were, the laugh that you got, right? And the cheer is what I thought I was going to get from the joke. And I got nothing. And then when you did that, I kind of side-eyed you

like this. And I literally thought, I think my career is over. From that one moment. Yeah, this is the bottom of me. I was so happy for your success. Thank you. You're so just funny and likable and the whole thing. And you're doing big shit now. I'm doing some fun, cool things. Oh, you work with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yeah. Did I say that right? I think so. We'll just dumb it to AI. And then, you know, who else have you worked with since then? Will Ferrell or no? Yeah. Well, I was a tiny, tiny part in his latest movie.

Right. Some of my scenes got cut. You know, it happens. All the time. But he's awesome. Yeah, I'm on tour. Amazing. Doing some really cool theaters and just put up my third hour on Netflix.

Oh, my God. So, yeah, it's cool stuff. You're on the top of your game. I'm very happy with, you know, where things have headed. I've been out here 21 years. Yeah. I remember when you were young. Yeah, when I was a baby.

Yeah. And we knew then, though. We knew then. We knew then. We knew then she was going to be a thing. I met you at the store, probably around 2007. 2007, right? And then when did you become a regular there?

2010. 2010. So you did like friends and family and all that stuff? Yeah, I started in the belly room. Wow. Adam Barnhart shows. With my ex. With Sarah Highland.

Yeah, my ex. We both did it every Sunday night for a year. Was I dating her then? You guys were not together. We had been together? You had dated. I had dated when you did that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. She's now a lesbian. I know. It happens. Yeah. Does that happen often after? Probably my sixth one.

I don't know if it's a sign yet or a problem. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? But I always feel that women think that I'm feminine in some way. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, they think that maybe my penis could be a clip. I don't know what it is. I do think I've seen your pubs more than any man's ever.

Yeah, just on stage. Yeah, based on you've seen, is it good pubes? I mean, sure. Yeah. Are yours curly? I don't think about it. No, they're regular. They don't curl. They just shoot straight out?

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow. It's all the guys right now. Mine are generally Curly. Thank you. How do you know? Yeah, have you seen Bobby's?

Yeah. A lot of people have because you're always whipping it out on stage. You know what it is? It's a old habit that's not good. Yeah. There's certain habits that I do on stage. When I do them, I feel guilty. Like, oh my God, you've been doing this for 30 years.

Stop this. That's a crowd pleaser, too. Yeah, I'm going to. I'll loop. Yeah, I have the pubes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a personal question? Because I don't think you get asked these questions.

Is it more personal than my pubes? It's in the same region of it. Okay. And if you, how about this? We'll do a code word. Can we come up with a code word where you're like, it's too uncomfortable? Okay, sure. You come up with the code word.

Kitty cat. Kitty cat. Okay. All right. Kitty cat, right. Do, I mean, do you shave your work? You got to just trim it up.

You trim it up. Yeah, but I need something down there. Oh, you need something down there. Yeah, yeah. Is it trimmed to like a design? Oh, yeah, it's a star. Oh, that's what it is. You're manifesting through your pub.

Five sides. Right, right, right. Because I have a star on my butt, you know? Oh, he does? I'll just show you briefly. You have one on your face right now. I know. I knew I was going to see something of your...

Oh, yeah. It's kind of forever. And I think it's a manifestation. Yeah, that you're a star? Yeah, because I got this. Once I got this, I booked something. Oh. Look how sympathetico we are.

Star-down. Yeah, yeah. Then I got on my ass. I booked something. I should get more stars. Maybe I'll be like Ken Jung or something. Maybe. Posting five shows.

I have stars all over my face. Yeah, yeah. But yeah. You can't hire you. You have too many tattoos. Right, right, right. But do you prefer acting over stand-up and podcasting all that? What a transition.

I felt like, okay, I felt like there was a kitty cat, you know what I mean, that you were going to say? You didn't. Or maybe I did I overly commit to it? No, I just committed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like them both because, you know, you get tired of one. I love stand-up, but the travel's daunting. And then after like a, most of my tours are like a year and a half.

I do 100 cities, 150 shows. Oh, my God. So then I want to pivot. So then I filmed Fubar, the show with Arnold, for like five months in Toronto. What's he like? He's great. He's super cool.

He would say good morning to you? Oh, yeah. He's a very personal guy, very motivational, shaking hand. Oh, really? Yeah, we went on bike rides. You and Arnold? Yeah, me and some of the cast. Wow.

I've been to his house a bunch. Wow. Smoked cigars with him. I've been to October Fest with him in Munich. Wow. Wow. Wow. He's cool. I've never hung out with anyone that big. I'm sure you have.

The only one I know is you. Chelsea Handler? Jesse Handler. No, I know some big. Santino. I know. But in my like, but like I've always wanted to like maybe hang out with Randy Quaid or, you know what I? Randy Quaid.

Or, you know, or Nick Nogh. Oh, yeah. Bert and I filmed a thing with Arnold. Oh, wow. When he was doing the machine. Yeah. Damn. In a, because he's older now.

How old is Arnold, do you think? Uh, he's almost 80. Wow. It was going to do you think in a, um, MMA match you'd be able to beat him? No. Oh, no, he would, he's very, look at it. Those guns are still. Yeah, but is it all?

I could probably outrun him at this point. Oh, I see. What? That picture looks like he's, what's happening? I feel like there's something going on there. Yeah. No, he's so fun.

He likes comedians, so we joke around a lot. Oh, he does? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He was like besties with Milton Burrell back in the day. Wow. Yeah. He's a true Hollywood star.

And what's Will like? I've never met him either. Awesome. Super nice. As funny as you would think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's harder to, like, have a real conversation with him because you, even when he's being sincere, you want to start laughing. Because he commits so hard to everything that you're like, is this a bit?

Oh, will? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like at lunch or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were at dinner one night. Well, you had dinner with him, too? Well, it was like some of the cats.

I've done some of that. And then it was in this little lake town, and like half the town showed up to this restaurant in the hotel. And they're just like staring at them. And I'm like, you're not going to get out of this restaurant. Like, people are going to mob you. And he goes, watch this. And he got his cell phone out. And he was like, what's that?

What happened to the cat? Oh, no. And then he stands up and he's like, sorry, I thought something's wrong with the cat. And everyone's like, we hope the cat's okay. Oh, really? Why do that? Do you do that? I've never done it, but it works like a charm.

I mean, you like being recognized? I mean, people are, people say hi to me all the time because I have a very distinct look. And beautiful face. Yeah, yeah. So when I'm, especially when I'm touring, people say hi like all day. But they're always super nice. You mind not so much. Oh, really?

I have some agros. They get aggressive with it. They get aggressive with me. Yeah, well, you put out some stuff that could. You put out some... What do you mean? You put out some... It's an energy that could...

Oh, I bring out chaos. Oh, yeah. So when you were at the... You've always felt that from me? No, you are just eccentric. Where did you guys... Like, how... Wait, wait, wait.

You guys meet. Whoa, whoa, hold on. Save that question. You are eccentric. No, no, that question. I just saw your asshole two minutes. How is that eccentric? You don't think that's eccentric?

You don't think that's eccentric. All the patients are all the patient's eccentric? So you're gonna... You're gonna attract. people that are like, hey, also like, hey, Bobby, let me show you my asshole. Oh. What you put out.

That kind. All right, so I've got to put out Christian vibes. Yeah, sure. Yeah. A lot of Bible beating. Have you ever been converted? They won't even, no one's ever

tried to convert me to Christianity. Vangelize you. Vangelize. I think they, vandalized or vangelized. Vandalized. Yeah, yeah. Vandalized.

Well, I'm for the south. Everyone's, you know, going to do. ever go, hey, can I talk to you about the Lord? I've had that happen, yeah. And do you listen? Back in the day, now I'm like, I'm busy. I'm with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's when you pull out the phone.

That's right. What? What? Yeah, yeah. Wow, so, yeah, I've never, I think people just look at me and they go, yeah, he's lost. Yeah, I could see that. No, I've had people, I'm with other people, come up to my friend or whatever, and can we talk about the Lord, but they won't even look my way.

I said, I want the one to know about the Lord. You know what I mean? But they won't do it. I think I'm too lost. Oh, they feel like you're not open to hearing about the Lord. They're like, we want to, but his assholes out. Well, do you know about the Lord? I mean, I know of him. What do you know about the Lord? I'm familiar. What do you about the Lord? Tell me what you know about the Lord. I mean, I don't know. He didn't he die for our sins. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, good. And then what else? Son of God. He's the son of God. Or he is God. God. He's the reason why we get Christmas presents. That's another truth. Yeah, yeah. That's when he was born. Excuse me? And we eat crackers. We eat crackers? You say cookies or crackers?

Crackers, cookies. They're definitely different things. But, body- Christ. Fortune, I want to excuse him. No, it sounds good. He's my sidekick. And sometimes he'll just bust out bakery treats. Yeah. Randomly. I like treats, though.

Yeah, I know. But it's like, is that all you want to say about Jesus? Do you have any questions? Oh, I had questions. but I'm gonna let you finish. He was more. You have questions about Jesus or Forge? No, I know Jesus.

Yeah, what are your questions? Yeah, tell us about Jesus. He's my cousin. He's a gardener. Oh, Jesus. Very good. Yeah. An old joke, but a real true zinger.

Wow. It's an old zinger, man. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a question for Fortune? No, I mean, for both of y'all. Yeah, give it to us. We know a lot of.

I don't know anything, Fortune. if you guys were able to switch an emotion for food which emotion and what food would it be I have no idea what that question is James Lipton this is the actor studio What is your favorite

Curse word? So like What do you mean like Give us an example If you're horny Yeah if you're horny What food would it be Oh that's different

Yeah yeah so That's a way different Yeah yeah Is that way different? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're just saying... So ask me for us horny? Blue Chew.

Promocode. What's the promo code? Tiger belly. Tiger belly. Yeah, he might as well make some money. It might as well. Food. Sex food.

Starbursts. No, no. Don't feed stuff into my head. I way I think about it. But you're replacing the emotion with a food? Gravy. Because... That made you think of...

Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Think of what? You know. No, I don't know. I don't know. No, you don't want to say it, do you? Kitty cat.

Oh, the kitty cat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, why a brown gravy? Oh, brown. Yeah, okay. Like a turkey gravy. Yeah, like a turkey gravy, yeah. What is your...

I don't know. God. It's a hard one. What a hard... Let's go to happiness. Let's go to joy. Let's go joy. Let's go joy.

It's a happiness. Yeah, joy for me would be... The crab rangoon. Really? Ooh. Wow. Those are so good. Okay, mine is spaghetti bolognaise.

Really? Yeah. Give me another emotion. Depression. Oh, that's like a... Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Some of...

Bourbon. I don't know. You're relapsing. I'm gonna relapse. No. What food? Delightful. Delightful.

You can't... What? The emotion, delightful. But give them time of answer. You're just... Cake pops. I don't like this game. I don't like this game anymore.

It sucks. It sucks. Because we've never thought about this. He's just bragging about how many emotions he has. Also, he only knows five emotions. I trust me. He can't go past five. Testive.

All right? How about this? Let's play a game. We'll all go around to see what emotions and we can't use the same one. So, Ann, go. Anxiety. Very good. Stress.

Okay. Joy. Go ahead. Sadness. Elated. Rage. Oh, that's a good one. Keep going.

Delightful. He's running out. That's what we were going to. That was the line. I knew we were going to get the line. That was the line. I was like, God, this could go up forever. No, it can't.

Yeah. Can I go to another personal question? Okay. And you can see Kitty Cat. Okay. Okay. Touchdown. Three pointers.

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Were you ever, because I've known you for some, this is difficult, but I don't know this about you. Did you always know that you were that, that? A lesbian? No, I mean, I want to say it in a more political way. Oh, like, she was a comic. Is that what you're trying to say? No, lesbian. Yeah.

Yeah, did you always know? In hindsight, for sure. Oh, I see. At the time. At the time, absolutely not, which is wild. Because I've had this haircut, literally, five. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I'm so gay when I look back, but I didn't come out until I was 25. Wow. Yeah. You didn't know until you were 25? I did it. I did it. I think I knew subconsciously. Yeah.

I had crushes on friends. But I just kind of, it was like a fantasy. I didn't really picture it as me. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of pictured it as like somebody else. liking them. It's weird, like a dissociation. Is it because you were upbringing?

I think as growing up in the South, I did not know a single out gay person. Wow. That you? Oh, so cute. It's so cute. See, they were trying to make me into a homemaker. That little oven kitchen situation. And you went out to your parents first? I came out. I moved out here when I was 23, which is crazy that took me two years in

L.A. to still not know. You were at the Abbey, like, why am I doing it? What am I doing it? I'm just looking for a nice guy. And, yeah, I just started meeting gay people, and that makes difference. I watched the L-word. That made my mind explode. Right, right, right, right.

And then eventually just kind of came to terms with it. So I came out to my roommates first in L.A. And spent six months just sort of getting comfortable with that. And then told my family. And what was the response? Can I ask? My mom just was worried. My mom just was worried, my life would be harder. Like, you know, parents are already like, life is hard.

I don't want this to be another hardship. You know, I don't have to say something. It's like, you know, people back when I started coming, it would have been easier if you were a white guy in the business. And I would, I don't think of that now. I think that being Korean and being exactly who I am is what helped me, propel me through this business because I'm different.

You know, there's no one out there like me, I don't think. You know, and I think that's what people like, you know, and I think, you know, your sexuality and other things make you who you are. Yeah. And I think it helped almost, don't you think? Yeah, I mean, you know, it's funny because I kind of fit right in with the male comics when I started. Maybe because there was no question.

question of like sex. We just got right to the friendship. Yeah. And they treated me kind of like one of the guys. Yeah. So I felt like in comedy at least, it was a way to just sort of break some barriers that some of my straight female counterparts had a tougher time with. Well, I have to say that even for me, even if like any female comic, I always view

them as just regular comics. I mean, I never really, I've never, aside from Sarah, but Sarah had just started. Yeah. And I knew her from something else. Right. You know what I mean? So it's like, I think that's what, but I think Sarah was the only real comic that I ever dated. Yeah.

The rest of them, I've had female openers. I just never had even an inkling. Even, you know, attractive people. I just don't have it. I just view them as the same old, you know what it is? It's like you and I in Vietnam. Yeah. If you're in the war with me.

Okay. I don't think I would view like, oh, there's, you know, Fortune, the lesbian, soldier next to me. Look at that, lesbian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And her pink bandana, like, the enemy can see that, you know what I mean. But my point is, is that, like, I would view you more like, we're in this together. Yeah, which is how it should be, you know, like. Yeah, but I mean, but that's not the case with male comics.

No. That really isn't. It's not. It's, you know, there's a lot of, and I see that happen again with the, you know, my straight female counterparts have to deal with some of that, but I'm not, this has not been my journey. Right, right, right.

You know, because I'm a lesbian. But yeah, I think, especially in today's time, being unique, is celebrated. It's so good. It was a bit harder back when we first started. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah.

It's so hard. People were like, we don't know what to do with it. That was every, yeah. Or it would be like, I get this, they're not, they would look for a white guy or a black guy, And then I was always other.

Oh, really? So I would show up at a lobby of an audition. And there's like a nine-foot Nigerian guy, a Puerto Rican guy who's four, seven, who's blind. You know what I mean? I was lumped into that. You know what I mean? Brad Williams for some reason was there, you know what I mean?

And I'm like, oh, this is my, this is my casting group. You know what I mean? And now it's more specifically like, oh, there's Ronnie Chang or, you know, Stephen, you or whatever. But back then it was like other, like freaks in their view. Anyway, I want to talk about my own bullshit. Well, you know, it's like I work really hard. You know, there's not a lazy bone in my body.

I know. And I do all this stuff. So you want the people working, you know, at these agencies to work as hard as you do, you know, and meet you in the middle. So that everybody wins. That's the whole point is that they win, you win, we all win. Yeah, I want to win. Yeah. Oh, that's bad.

Are you okay? Not really. But when I am on dates, I look for, can you put your arm out for a second? Let's see, we're talking like this, right? Just do hands that close? Yeah, two pluses like this. Guess what our hands are. Our hands are on the check.

That's a normal. I got it. No, I got it. No, I got it. And if a girl does this, like, laughs at something, touches me, that's a real sign. That's nice, yeah. But if they don't touch you at all. It's tricky to know.

You can't, you don't know. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. When I was single, I appreciated if I liked a girl when she was forward, I liked that. Yeah. She just like, like you or made a move or something. I was like, oh, thank God. Yeah.

Because I hated making the first move. Yeah. Well, apps make it easier. Yeah. You were never in the app game, though. Not really. Match.com was around, and I wrote two girls, and they were dating and did it tell each other that they were still on the app. And I was like, I...

Oh, you were not. Yeah, I was like, how did I only email two people and they're dating? Wow. Wow. So I was like, I'm... But they both thought you were hot. No, they both ended up just wanting to be friends with me. I was like, I got rejected by both of them.

No, no, really? Yeah. Friends zoned. Friends zoned. From a match.com. Oh, my God. I think they were like fishing for something else and I wasn't it. So they were like, well, we can be friends.

I'm like, this is a dating out. Yeah, I know. So I matched with a girl on Raya. And you guys know this, but, and she goes, let's FaceTime. She's gorgeous. And on the face, she just said, her first thing was, listen, I'm not attracted to you. She came out right off in FaceTime.

And I just want to be friends. I want to make that clear. Wow. That was her opening line. Okay. And then now I'm like, like, do I hang? I didn't know what to do. Like an idiot, I stayed on for like 45 minutes.

What's your life like? Yeah. Your parents are divorced? What's going on? You know what I mean? Like, it was like 45 minutes of hell. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, you can't friends on a guy right away

and expect him to want to pay attention. But I did like an idiot. I mean? Okay, well, farewell, I said. Fairwell, I said. What do you see? Like, you know what I mean? Farewell, my friend.

Farewell. Yeah, and then I hung out with her one more time. Wow. Yeah. Because she was, I'll tell you why, though. Why? Can I tell you why? You're hoping that she'd change your mind,

that your personality would win her? I'm going to get her on the second one. She'll see. Just wait until she hears what I have to say. Dude, dude, I think that's what it is. I was like, you know, because I'm charming. You are. I can be charming, right?

So I'm with my charm is going to get to that. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The vaguen. And. I hope you said that to her. My charm is going to get. to your badge.

No, but that's subconsciously in my mind. Yeah, yeah, of course. And so, or consciously, right? And so, but no, it was still friend. Friendly, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, anybody that's that bold right off the bat is not being swayed. But the WICO on a Danny app.

That's weird, yeah. Well, no, she's on there to meet. The one. To meet a guy, not to be friends with, but. But why, then what? I mean, she thought you were cool and wanted to be friends with you. Yeah, but it's like, I have so many friends.

I know, but you're famous. She wanted to, you know, have a famous guy friend. Oh, my God. Your heart looks broken. It's so broken right now. No, because I don't know why I thought that my personality could win it or over. I think you're right about that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we all knew that. I was blind to it. Oh, my God. But I love that you tried. Yeah. And then a couple of them also on Raias. I got to read you with the real, can you hook me up with Theo?

Oh, yeah. Man, these girls, they're brutal. They are brutal. No, I've had a, I've smashed a lot. Can we got that? Yeah, right, right. So let's just get thorough out there, you know what I? We hear you, bud.

Come on, man, you know what I mean? I'm a winner, dude, you know what I mean? But a couple of times I've had that, you know what I mean? Yeah, where they're like, hey, I'm not interested in you. I'm interested in Theo, can you hook us up? I'm like, I just say, fuck off. Yeah, like, what do they think you're going to do? Do you want to meet in person, maybe?

I can charm you. They're like, can you get Theo on the phone? Yeah, it's, you know, but... He's like, yeah, man. But it's also, it's like, you know, I love Theo as one of my best buddies in the world. But, you know, it's like, why would I... Would any guy do that? No, I don't think so, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Would you do that if somebody hits you up on a dating app and said, can you hook me up with... No. Bobby Lee. For Ellen DeGener. But with somebody, you wouldn't do that. I think you'd be, like, if my, say my, I do this handsome podcast. If somebody wanted me to like hook them up with May, I would maybe tell May, but I don't

know that I would be like, let me give your phone number or something like that. Oh, right, right, right, right. Yeah. Well, Andrew did one. Oh, handsome. Yeah. I love Tiggs so much. Oh, yeah.

I don't know the, what's, that's May. That's May Martin. Yeah, she's very pretty. Yeah. Yeah. I love Ticks so much. well Andrew today texted me a girl that

direct message to him going like I can't get on Raya but I want to meet Bobby That's nice And then Andrew shot me over to her Instagram She's very attractive You know what I mean So it's like my real bros

Well I think a taken bro Would do that for A Paken bro It's okay with a taken bro doing it Yeah yeah With somebody that you're trying to meet Saying it Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah you're so lucky You're not in that I know You're so lucky. It seems really hard out there. It's fun. I'm sure. But here's the thing.

I'll tell you, fortune. And I hate being vulnerable on this podcast, as you know. But we like it. Yeah. Wait, side question real quick. Does it have to do with emotions? Bobby was in the zone. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's the worst time to interrupt me, dude. Bobby is like, like, eyes were like watering. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to forget it, but go ahead. No, go ahead. No. No, no, don't do that and do that.

Do it now. No, go ahead. He's like, vulnerable, like a hamburger to you? Like, what's your... No, it has something to do. Describe your emotion. Describe your vulnerable. No, you go ahead.

I was going to say something, but... You should just say it, hi, May. Yeah, just say it because I will say, I remember what I'm going to say. Be confident. Be confident. I just forgot. Oh, okay, so the girls, how they say, oh, can you get me through the Yovang?

Yeah. And then you said, fuck off. And that, you know, they have the audacity for those girls to be like, oh, you're just mad. I hate when they say that. Okay, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, we don't know. Number one. No, no, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

We just remember when you said that. Wait, we don't know. Number one, we don't know. And number two, we don't care. No, okay, but those girls were explained. We don't even understand what the fuck are saying. But Bobby, Bobby, you remember when you said that? No.

Give it that time. Can you be clearer about what you're saying? I'm trying to. Okay. You said fuck off. I remember. I'm not going to wrote it. That part I understand.

Because I did that. Okay. And then that girl would be like screenshot it and then like posting her story. And then it'd be like, oh, he's just mad because he couldn't get to me. No, no. Oh, he doesn't actually say fuck off. I do. Oh, you actually said fuck off.

Oh, no. And I believe. I believe it. What's so funny about that? It's so insulting. Fuck off. I thought you just didn't write them back. No, no, I say fuck off.

So let me say something to you. Because grows my age, they say, oh, you're just mad because you couldn't get it. I think that if everyone saw the context of what that was, right, that 99.9% of the people would back me up. Gotcha. That's rude. Right.

Right. It makes me feel ugly. There it is. Yeah, okay. And I know that I'm handsome. Back to the vulnerability. Okay. And go right.

we're going back to what I was going to say. And if you interrupt me again right now, I think we're going to have a problem. I'll put a piece of pizza. Tell me your emotions. No, we're not doing it too. Anyway, sorry, fortune. There are, please.

I beg of you, please. Okay, I'm sorry. Don't see another word. I'm sorry, any sound or anything. Even this? It was crazy. There are times when you just get lonely, really, and you feel kind of a love.

You know, as comics, we just generally feel that way. Yeah. But, you know, I was in a relationship with Kalila, and I miss her in many ways, you know what I mean? Because we had just, you know, just when you're down and alone, you just can be with someone that understands you. Right.

And it just seems to help. Yeah, it's a comfort. It's a comfort, you know what I mean? And also, I just feel like, I don't know what happened, but a lot of people are, men and women are very delusional out there you know I mean? About what they're bringing to the table.

What do you left? I mean, he's being vulnerable. Let's see what hi-bita does. Why is he what's going on? Is it weird? Is it weird that he's being vulnerable? Yeah. It's the way he's talking.

Yeah, me being vulnerable. You mean, vulnerability? Me being vulnerable, be talking? He's like, this is hilarious. You should say like a rubber. De Niro face but no man or woman I want like that I see that's Robert De Niro no I was just being vulnerable and it really hurts my feelings that you did that no yeah yeah don't blame Gilbert dude no he was making face no no he was what the fuck are you talking about dude

play the camera back what the fuck are you doing stop it's not about you it's not about her dude no but yeah okay but don't blame him stop Okay, I'm so sorry, fortunate with him. No, no, I'm involved in all the conversations. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's going on. I can multitask. Right, right.

And so, you know, I'm glad that you find the fault. Are you going to have children? No. Why not? I don't want to ruin this body. That was a funny job. That was really good. That was really good.

A little self-deprecating. Yeah, yeah, I like it. Yeah, yeah. No, adopt it when I meant. I mean, listen, never say never. Yeah, yeah. I'm of that, that's always my motto. Like, who knows if there's ever a kid that needed a home?

You never know. But it's not in the plan. Right. You've never felt like being a mother. No, I'm just so, like, career-focused, you know. Is there technology, you know, I don't know, and please be very gentle with me because I don't know about... Be gentle. Just be gentle with me, right?

Is there a way to take your jeans? And bring... No, thanks. You wasn't because I was going to drink it? No, like, have my jeans as a child? That's what I'm saying, no thing. No, but put your jeans and create a embryo. Is there a way to do that?

I think you can't, actually. Yeah. I don't know. I've never looked into it, but I would want... If I had a child, I would want them to have her jeans. And then... Are you in your fucking mind? But I would, like, I would help bold their personality.

But they don't need to have my genes Yeah, they need your jeans because it's you're so special. Aw. No, but you know you are. You're so likable and nice and funny and creative. I think I could teach a kid that. No, you can't, no, that's born. Really?

Oh, that's born. Oh. Yeah, that's born shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's genetic. Yeah. Don't you think or no? Yeah.

Look at Ben Stiller. What about him? He's a what? Jerry Stiller, right? Oh, nice guy. And his mother, what's her mother's name? She's very funny. What?

And, um, and... Yeah, she's very funny. Yeah. Yeah, you could pass that along. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I just, we just, I don't think you're going to. Okay. A comic once told me recently that you don't understand, like, when I'm on the road,

I can't wait to get home. Aw. And I go, why? Because I can't wait to see my kid. That's amazing. You know, I mean? And that's a feeling that I'll never experience. Yeah.

You don't want kids? I do want one. Oh, okay. No, I will. I will. I will. I don't hook them up with something Orgent, please

I know, a man can do that later You're not on a time clock Yeah, I think that's true I think that's true Yeah, but I think that's, I'm putting that into universe So that, yeah, that's not out of the cards for you

It's still- It would be stressful though I mean, it's a lot of work Yeah And I couldn't do it alone You would have to find a good woman That wants to really be a mom That's right, yeah

I think there's hope for you Because I know a female comic That adopted one We just don't see her anymore Yeah She's a single mother. Well, a single mom. That's a lot of work.

It's tough. It's tough. It's hard enough with two people with one that you're everything. You seem like a snorer. I did it in the nicest way, Paulson. How dare you? Call me fast. What?

What? What? Are you out of your mind? You just look like you have sleep apnea. That's all Sneeze apnea Yeah, yeah You know what I mean

And you know Rogan has sleep apnea You know That's true I will say I'm down 40 pounds So when I drop Are you on something?

No I'm just like working out Like crazy Oh She's doing it that way And it's been over like a year And a half Two years I've never

Come on What are you talking about What's that About your What I'm not You just look like A snorer is what I'm saying Yeah

Yeah for sure Yeah yeah But I snore less when I'm down weight for sure the weight definitely affects it yeah yeah yeah I think I snore less now yeah I mean I don't know but you know what I said yeah but I said yeah but I'm just saying when we cuddle in bed I hear you a couple of months ago I was sleeping next to a girl overnight yeah and I warned I always do this here and they go what I go it's earplugs oh she goes why because you're gonna hear a zoo tonight

All kinds of shit, right? And she goes, no, I can't sleep with those on. And the next morning she goes, I didn't hear anything. Oh, really? Yeah, and she goes, I'm a light sleeper. That's nice. I think it's because I'm on WeGovi and I lost over 20 pounds. Oh, nice.

Yeah, yeah. So I think that does help. Yeah. Do you snore? Yeah, I can tell. Yeah, I think a lot of people snore these days. Yeah, yeah. And then you're a morning person I can tell.

I prefer the night, actually. That's what I was getting at. Yeah. I went around. I went around. I'm a woman of the night. I think that's a comic in me. Yeah.

I mean, what time do you sleep? I mean, I'm usually, I usually go to bed between like midnight to like 8.30. In the morning? No, I go to bed at midnight and wake up around 8.30. Oh, midnight 8.30 is your thing. Yeah. Wow. 845.

Yeah. But when you're like sometimes I was just, I just did the road this weekend. And, you know, I'm doing clubs right now. So you do a second show. Yeah. That's like at 10.30. Yeah. You know, then you have to eat afterwards.

Don't you sleep to like four or something? Yeah. I've heard that about you. Sometimes I do. Yeah. Yeah, like today I woke up at 1245 because I had to do podcast today. At one o'clock. At one o'clock.

Yeah. Yeah. Even like, tomorrow I have an animation studio thing I have to do voiceover. And I'm like, can you push it till three? They go, it's at two. You know what time do you go to bed? Oh, like four or five in the morning. I got to say hi to my friends.

The birds. Oh, okay. When I hear their birds chirping, I go, okay, good night. And I go to bed. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's healthy. No, I mean, if you were to find a person to be in a significant relationship with, maybe have kids, you would have to adjust that. Oh, I will.

Okay. But you know what? Exercising doesn't help. It doesn't? No, one time I, two weeks ago, I ran five, not ran, but I walked five miles on a height. I barely made it back home. No, it was like the revenant. I was like frozen, have frozen salt.

By yourself? By myself. Yeah, I barely made it back home. And then I laid in bed until 5 in the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, it would be good for you to like try to start transitioning towards going to bed earlier if you could. Do you bleach your teeth?

No, they're just. They're not even human teeth. I do have pretty good teeth. Yeah. Yeah, you do. you don't put white strips you don't put white strips on them I brush them a lot but that's yeah yeah

yeah do you brush I've only ever had one cavity my whole life that's insane I just have I've always had good teeth wow that's insane and blue eyes right

yeah not bad for a snore yeah yeah but um I want to show you something okay uh oh no it's not it's not it's not one of those

but look on this side of my mouth okay Okay. Maybe not. I might have to cut this part out because I want people to know that I have, all my teeth are missing. Oh, we've talked about it so many times. Okay.

But look. Yeah. All gone. Wait, why are you going down some before? Yeah. Yeah, they're all gone. Just from. Cavities.

He can't, he can't choose. I love chewing candy. You didn't brush your teeth. Yeah. I like chewing candy. Yeah. Yeah. I like candy.

I like candy. I like candy. I like candy. I like candy. I like candy. What's that from? Is that from? Water boy?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Are you, you don't get dental implants? Because that's one. Is there in the back?

You can't really. Yeah. And also I feverishly now clean them. Your gums? Oh, my, I do. I have. They're bleeding from fresh. No, what I'm saying is I've never floss growing up.

Yeah. I floss like a motherfucker. Right. Hydrogen peroxide. Rinse. Oh. With water. with water.

I don't do that. Yeah, I mean. Brush them two times. Yeah. And yeah, I'm like, you know, I'm pretty good. In fact, if I did this as a kid, I wouldn't have, I don't think I would ever have a cavity. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I want to save the ones I had. You just didn't brush as a kid. My parents were like, Bobby, brushed teeth. You know what I mean? They're just go to bed. You know what I'm like, okay. Right. We'd go to bed.

You know what I mean? Flossing was in a thing at our house. Yeah. Yeah, but a lot of dental money going to my brother's an eye teeth. Mm-hmm. It was a problem. Yeah.

But you've corrected it. Yeah. I don't want to talk about my teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you, what are you doing this year? Like, do you have any movies lined up? I am, my tour just started two weekends ago. So this is taking up a big chunk of my time.

You're doing theaters, right? Doing theaters, yeah. Why do you like those versus clubs? Aside from the fact that you're only doing one show per city? I'm doing two shows in some city. Oh, excuse me, Jesus. I just, you know, I like to tell long stories, and they're just, it's just easier in a theater. Right.

And I'm kind of prefer hitting as many cities as I can in a weekend instead of like four shows in one city. Wow. So, yeah, I'm doing a butt ton of, a lot of shows. Yeah. But yeah, I just, I really love the theaters. Who's your opener? I take different people, but Caitlin, please. Loufo.

She's out of New York. Zach Newee Towers is a funny guy. Saratiana just did some shows with me. She's the best. I've used her so many times. She's really great. If you want like a guaranteed comic that's going to do well and is easy to work with in the green room.

And a great right. And a great writer. Sarah Tiana is the one. She's awesome. She's the best. Yeah. Yeah. I've had openers that were just tragic.

Really? Oh yeah. Like one time Sandy Dan tell you know Sandy. I know Sandy. Yeah. What did Sandy do? I was in the green room. And then I just hear chaos.

Tables being thrown against the wall chaos. It was at the Ontario Improv. I walk out and there's a guy, he looks MS-13. He had tattoos on his face. Typical, you know, Cholo, you know, with the, you know what I mean? White cut. They call him wife beautos. I want to call him that.

What do they call him? White tank top. Yeah, white taintop, right. Wife abuser. Yeah, the wife abuser. And he's, hey, put on, let's kill you. And there was like people pulling him back. Like a fight.

It was a full-blown fight. Yeah. And Sandy's up there with his beanie and a suit. You know what I mean? Just shaking. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. That's like, you know, that's my experience with openers.

Wow. You know, I've said this before. I had an opener after he did okay. Yeah. Come by me and he goes, follow that. No. That's wild. Like if you, okay, if an opener said that to you,

what would you do? Well, you're paying them. I know. I flew them out there and I paid them. What would you do? I would just not hire them again. Really? Yeah.

I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be like confronting them. I just, that would be the last I would hire them. Wow. Yeah. Even if they were your friend. Um. Oh, I didn't, well. Yeah, he's your friend.

That's tougher. Yeah. And then you would have to have that conversation. I mean, just like, what the fuck was that? Okay. If it's a friend. All right. So it's, okay.

I did that. Okay. My name is Joey Bongo. Okay. I just made that up. Portch's best friend. I'm your best friend. Gary Bongo.

Right? And then you went up, right? And then afterwards, I'm like, good set, man. Follow that. Am I saying that? No, no, no, no. This is after. I already said follow that.

Oh, you said it. Yeah, yeah. So I already said follow that. You went up on stage. Okay. And let me tell you something, right? When a feature says that to you, right? You don't have a good set.

Right. It's in your head the whole time. Yeah. Follow that, follow that, follow that, right, right? And also, I couldn't follow it, I don't think. I think that was doing worse than it.

Yeah. Because it was in my head, right? Yeah, you come on the stage and were like, hey, what the fuck was that? Yeah, it's like, oh, sorry, I mean, I just thought I had a good set and that you'd have a hard time following it. Yeah, but that's...

I would be like, I paid you to make it easier for me. Yeah, because we're friends. Yeah. And then it would be like, don't, I would just be like, don't do that. It gets in my head. Okay. It doesn't make me feel...

But you use them again. I mean if there were if it's a friend yeah yeah yeah listen that that messed me up it got in my head and just don't do that no that does that destroyed my friendship with this person really yeah okay there's no way that it's it it shows a lot well yeah it's like that's definitely a character flaw yeah that what about I'm gonna give another scenario okay that happened to me once so you know sometimes you do a club you bring your own feature but there's a local host oh yeah right I don't you I don't do the local host now I know, but back in the day when you had a line, you did, right? Yeah. A local host. Yeah, yeah. That you didn't know. The club just gets them.

Right. Right. So I'm the, so this is the first day, right? I'm your host, right? And I'm walking up to you. Your fortune, what's up? Hey, what's up? Yeah.

You all want to let you know? I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here, man. I'm a fucking headliner. Oh. Yeah, I don't know. Well, they'll enjoy you then. Wow. That's the way you're saying.

That's how you handle it. Yeah. You wouldn't. I was like, what? What did you do? I go, what the fuck you say? What the fuck you say? I go, then don't fucking do it.

Yeah. If you don't know why you're doing here, don't do it. Yeah, I had a local opener at a club who just like screened at the audience, screamed. Oh, wow. I've had a couple of those. And I'm like, you know, I'm like, hey guys, look at me. And I'm just like, oh my God. What'd you do?

I mean, you know, you just tell the club or your manager, like, get this guy off the show the next night. I don't want to. Oh, he was gone? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Why do you think is that? Why do you think they do that?

Well. Before you, please don't answer that. Okay. It's a serious question. It's not a serious question. Yes. Because what got them in that thing in their head? I don't know them.

Personally. Yeah, that's like a personal thing that they clearly have issues they need to work through. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know the trauma they went through. Yeah. Some people are just assholes. That's true.

Right? I flew. So I'm going to say the name and maybe we'll bleep it out, but we'll figure it out. It wasn't me. Are you about to start beef with someone? I always do. Okay. Let's see.

So, you know, you know. Oh, that's right. I've seen this stuff. He's done some Arnold things. Arnold stuff, yeah. So I flew him somewhere. Because he kept going, you know, at the shows. Come on, man.

I put you on my shows. Right. Feature, right? So I flew him out. He wasn't doing well. Uh-huh. So I flew him home. Oh, no.

Early? After one show, I think. Oh, no. What did you say? How did that conversation go? It's not good. Yeah. It's not that you're funny.

It's just too depressing as a host. You mean not funny? No, no, as a host. Right. He doesn't have host energy. A hosting thing is a different vibe for sure. Yeah, you want Ian Fidance. You're the party planner.

You're the party person. Yeah. Who's ready to have a good time? Garen Carter. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sound effect.

Uh-huh. Whatever he does. You know what I mean? Hopefully it's a lot of woo. Oh, we're about to have a good time. Well, they call them Gary and Carter the party starter. Yeah. That's what you want.

Yeah, yeah. Because you guys set the, they have to set the tone. Exactly. I want a party up there. I don't want, hey guys. Yeah. Man, I'm going to kill myself. With no punchline.

Yeah, yeah. It just, it didn't feel right for my show. And I think that it's like, you know, I hate to say this, but if you're a draw, but you're a draw, right? I think so. Yeah.

I mean, you're an A-list draw. I'm not an A-list. You're a-lis. But I draw. That's so funny that you say that, because you are. that's silly that you would say something like that You're an A-list star No that's like

No that's like Like a Jennifer Aniston I'm doing Oh Jennifer does the Houston Impro Are you sure if I'm in stand-down In comedy You're an A-list

Sure You're like you do A clubs Yes yes That's what I mean I got it Right right Are you doing the hyena circuit or something No

Okay Hyena is a great club by the way And I love the owner and I'm not dissing it, but you know, there's the, you know, I got you. You get it. Okay, what I'm saying, right? So it's like, in that scenario, if you're headline, and you're also selling out rooms, I feel like that, you know, I should be able to choose who goes up before me and have notes.

Yeah, of course. Okay, good. You're hiring the person for the weekend or night or whatever, so yeah, you get to make those calls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? And I think it's also growth, setting a boundary with somebody. Yeah, it is. Because my natural instinct is just to go, okay, just do whatever you're going to do.

Yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah, I've had, you know, I've had openers go up and run the light for 45 minutes. Oh. And that's not okay. And yeah, you just don't hire them again, you know. Oh, mine was Dean Delray. Oh, yeah.

Look at you just drop me. You could throw that in there. I know all these guys. I need to be coming up to me. Oh, my God. This is Lobby, by the way. Brian and Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know it's bad when you have to get your iPhone out and use that light to light your friend. Oh yeah, I had to slam a door. I had to slam a door to get this person on the state. Wow. Yeah. 40 minutes?

45 almost. Oh, my God. Was it Paul Rodriguez? It was a second show. It was a second show of the night and they were, you know, it started an hour late because, you know, The second shows always take a while.

They were so tired. And by the time I got out there, I had to work so much harder. I'm like, I paid you like three times the rate of a club. It's something that you knew. Yeah. Just to like, I was trying to get, I paid you three times the rate to do this to make my job easier. And now I'm working three times harder. And I was sick.

Oh, wow, wow. It was just like a mess. It's funny when you're, because I've done, I've had to do weekends when I'm deathly ill. It's so hard. It's the worst. So hard. I had a bronchitis like a few weeks ago or a month ago and I was doing the clubs to build my act and just like popping like things to I was on antibiotics so it wasn't contagious. Yeah.

But I was just, it's so hard to be up there for an hour. Oh my God. Not like coughing your brains out. Oh, I don't do an hour when I'm in that situation. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I do what I do. Yeah.

One time I had a girlfriend in Christine Portillo. and I was 105 temperature and so Ontario Improv again and she had to put me in the car drive me there then I had people working in the club carry me in, that's how sick I was Oh my I would, that you could have probably

No I had to do it I needed the money Oh really Yeah I needed the money back down Yeah You're like we can at Bernie's He popped me up on stage And they had strings

And I did this for 45 minutes Someone pull my pants down. That's enough. That's enough. That's enough out of you. About that, okay? That's enough out of you. All right.

We'll laugh now. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. But I did it. You know what I mean? Something about like just when, when you're called up to do it, it's just like, just, what, motor's going to? Not motor skills. It's something that takes over.

What? Motor memory. Motor memory. Yeah, yeah. Like riding a bike. Right. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, do you get nervous when you, because I was going to ask you this?

Because I see you do high-level shit. Because we follow each other on the... That's right. On the socials. On the socials. And at the clubs. At the clubs, we see each other. See each other.

And then when you're on a set, do you get nervous? For the acting stuff? Yeah. Like in the very beginning, like when I started Fubar with Arnold, I was like a little nervous because I didn't know him and didn't know like if he would get my stuff. sense of humor. And you just don't want to look like you don't know what you're doing. My day one of meeting like Jennifer Gardner, I have to drive her in an ambulance.

You're just like, oh my God, I have to like, say my lines and drive her in an ambulance. That's the worst. When you had to do two things. Yeah. And you're just like, that Will Ferrell movie, I had to drive a boat. I don't think he'd have me driving, but it did. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you look like a bus driver. Thank you. Who snores? Boat driver. Yeah, no, I'm kidding. No, I can definitely handle a vehicle. I'm always like a guy behind the desk.

Yeah. Like, you know, whatever, or whatever, you know what I mean? Or like, you know, it's wrong Missy. I was a hotel guy. I've done so many like hotel-y, like, hotel-y, behind-the-counter kind of thing. Right, right. You know what I mean? But after the first day, I'm usually pretty good.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just like, I get to know them a little bit, but I don't bug those big stars, like, too much. I'm just normal and like and nice and then kind of let them decide if they want to come to me sort of thing. Yeah. I just get like, so when I did sex in the city and there was a couple of times I was just next to

SJP and during setups. Yeah. And just sitting there just question. Not no. Oh God. I've never meant anybody who said SJP. Is there Jessica Parker? He got you, bro.

I've never. Is that your nickname? name for. You've never Yeah, you've never heard anyone say her SJP? I've seen it like

written out like what do you mean? Like the Dead Sea Scrolls? What are you talking about? Like on the internet they don't want to

write out the whole name SJP people call her that yeah sure. No I don't know I don't know her

yeah Sarah Jessica like it's harder to like Sarah yeah it's a middle anyway anyway Hi May I may

okay it's just that like and I'm sitting there and there's sometimes they're there for 45 minutes and you just want to say something but I just in my mind

I was like you're gonna fuck it out Did you not talk at all? No she would give me a hug in the morning And sometimes she would We would rehearse in my trailer Okay She would just sit next to me And we'd just go over the lines

And stuff like that But it was never like let's have dinner Or I never had that kind of experience with it But she's very sweet And y'all weren't talking about fashion Or anything I think that's what it is It's like if I did it with

Like Benetio del Toro I could talk about maybe jeans. Okay. You know what I mean? Or like, you know what I mean? Restaurants or something with him. You have to have some things in commonality or something. Or like, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you and SJP as we call her. Don't probably have as much. She's so sweet. Yeah, yeah. Which is what you want. That's all I want. Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, I don't want to fuck it up. Look. Oh my God. What is his face? Yeah, what is that face? It doesn't be doing lines. That is hilarious. Yeah, yeah, you do.

Dude, I look so Asian there. Crazy, dude. Look at how fat I was. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, you know, let me tell you about that scene. That was the worst day of my life. Really?

Oh, no. Because this is the one the New York Post wrote about. Oh, yeah. Oh, they. So I had relapsed. Uh-huh. And I was, I was, so this is what happened. I was in Mexico.

Mm-hmm. And they're like, you have to go to New York straight from here. on a Sunday. So I go, okay, so I flew to, right? And I'm thinking, in my mind, I'm thinking, we're shooting on a Monday. Yeah. So I just get drunk on the plane.

And then the car picks me up, and I'm like, I know where the hotel is. And it's like, where are we going? He goes, oh, to set. Oh. I go, we're shooting right now? Yeah. They go, yeah, and I was completely drunk.

Oh, no. It was terrible. And that was that day? That was that day. And so what was the bad part about this is, I don't know if you know this, but when you're in, They just zoomed in on your eyes. When you're in Manhattan,

in a busy street, and you're with Sarah Jessica Parker. People go insane, right? It was like windows opening, taking photos. It was the whole thing. Now, you know what I mean? You know, there's a guy standing there

because you can only cross when it's green. Yeah. So the only times I can do this is crossing the street. Right? And I was so fucked up. Yeah. And had so many lines.

it was the most difficult day oh my God and they wrote about that that scene or something yeah because I talked about it on this podcast I was like how did they know yeah yeah yeah do I talk too much yeah yeah yeah I talk too much

I talk way too much I talk way too much the whole DMDL ray I shouldn't through his name on because I start wars I gotta stop I know now you're gonna have these guys being like what the fuck it's fun it's fun

why not why not yeah yeah you know it's gossip Yeah. I feel like you have no beefs, right? You've never had Hollywood beef? I try not to. I don't like beefs.

She has no enemy. I'm the person that likes everyone to be happy. But who do you secretly dislike? There's honestly, there's, honestly. There isn't one person in the business. There's a lot, even if someone has done something that's shitty, I can find the silver lining. Wow. I don't know.

You're so healthy. I don't know. Maybe. Or I don't know. Am I avoiding something? I don't know. No, no, no. I think that's a good way to...

You give, like, the benefit of doubt. Yeah, I'm just like, hey, that sucked, dude. I didn't like that, but like, whatever, moving on. Yeah. Or I just will create a boundary. And, like, if somebody did the thing that upset me, or I'll just be like, so now we won't have this, but we can continue on with this.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I think because my upbringing was so traumatic and abuse, use of that I hold on to resentments. Yeah, I used to do that back in the day. Yeah. And then I saw how it was affecting relationships that were trying to get to a better place. You can't move forward.

Well, that's why I have a therapist. I'm working on it. You know what I mean? That's why when I behave in a certain way, I stop myself. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you think at restaurants, I behave the way you still behave? No.

Yeah. I wait. you know the time like let me ask you this okay you're fortune fiendster okay okay she's like okay cool

you're in San Francisco I'll play this part okay you're in San Francisco and you're doing a beautiful theater but before the show you want to eat at a restaurant yeah you come in right

and you go hi can I get a seat here just me and they go yeah it's an hour away and then you go well no because I'm playing the whatever theater can I get a table

now? Yeah. Nope. Right? Then you sit down. You'll go, I'll wait the hour. Yeah. But then you hear other people going, hey, we don't have a resurrection coming up, and they

send them right away. Oh, really? Yeah. How would you react? That's a good one. I would have, I would probably have just left. Oh, no. You don't tweet about it.

You don't tweet about it? No. You don't show the host your followers. No. You just leave. Just leave. Oh, you just leave. If they don't want me, I don't want you.

Oh, God. That's what I'm learning. I leave. Yeah, leave. They don't want you. You don't want to buy. Yeah, yeah. But also, this is what I do.

I go outside and I take a breather. Okay. And you try to get people to recognize you. Oh, that's, you've done that then before. If you know that, then you've done that. Have you done that? I have done that every now and then. Right.

You're like, oh, what did you say? What did you say? What did you do? you know me from what? Yeah, yeah, that's the gross part. And have I admitted this on this podcast before? Yeah.

I think I have. Where it's like, I remember my brother and I used to go to my mom lives in Phoenix and there was this cookie shop that's so rude to me. A cookie shop by my mom's house. I don't know what it is.

One employer, all of them. All of them. They're just like, just so rude. You know what I mean? And they're nice to everybody. So one time I was like, wait before we order wait. I love that you keep going back.

You're so good at the cookie. Yeah, yeah. And my brother's like, why do I have to wait? I go, I got to wait until somebody recognizes me. So maybe it'll help with her. Right. But no one did. We were there for two hours.

No one did. I finally got the, I got the abuse and got the cookie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just put up with it. I just stopped going back if people are. That's, I could write that down for me. Yeah, don't go back. Don't go back.

Don't go back. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's, I'm not in the business of trying to convince people to like me. They either do or they, they either do and great. If they don't, I move on. You hit a string, a chord.

But I think the reason why I started doing it in the first place is to be accepted. I get that. I get that. And that comes from your childhood stuff. Yeah, I just want to be accepted by people. Yeah. And then you're like, you're finally like, oh, I have a little following. You know what I mean?

I've done some stuff. Yeah. And then when people treat you the way you have always been. treated, right? It burns. Of course. And then my, you know, my child comes out. Right. I hurt child. The inner wounds. The inner wounds come out. And I'm trying to recognize that.

That's good. Do you have any inner wounds, Kaimei? I think we already talked about that. Okay. Let's move on then. Okay. Like, don't want to feel feeling anymore.

Emotions. When you go back to, let me ask her quick. When you go back, what town did you grow up? It's called Belmont. It's outside of Charlotte, North Carolina. So probably good barbecue out there, right? Yeah, really good. So Belmont?

Mm-hmm. When you go, your parents still in Belmont? Yeah. Okay. They're not together, but they both still live there. They live there. Yeah. And when you go there, are you their hometown hero?

Um, yes, but like, they've been rooting me on since the day I moved to L.A. It's just a town of really lovely people who are like, you're doing it. Like, even when I wasn't, I was just here struggling. They were like, you're trying, though. You're like, you're pursuing your dreams. That's amazing. So they were, like, coming to see me do stand-up before I could get headliner gigs. Your family or the town?

The town. Like, they would let me do shows in the bars around town. I would come back from L.A. And they would pay five bucks. And, like, 300 people would show up, which for me as a non-headliner was huge. And they would pay me five bucks. It would help me pay my rent. it.

It was, they were, so they've been like amazing from day. Oh, let me talk about my hometown. How way. Yeah.

Yeah. I can't even get in the high school Wall of Fame. I'm not on a wall of fame. You're not, you got to be in the Hall of Fame

one of these days. You're not? I don't think they have a Hall of Fame. But when you go, well, that's so, why you're not. But when you go there is a,

hi, fortune, like that kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. For sure. I mean, I want that. It's a cute town.

It's like, only like 12,000 people. Really? Wow. Is there a strip club? No. No. Can I open one there?

No, don't ruin it. How was it going to ruin it? It's so innocent. There's no porn store or anything? No, it's like a rare breed of like... A lot of churches. A lot of churches. Right.

Yeah. So if I'm in Belmont, what I want to call it? Yeah. What's the best hotel I stay at? There's no like nice hotel. It's like a, I mean, it's like a Hampton Inn. Oh, I'm at the Hampton Inn.

Okay. Right. Which I'd stay at. What? I've stayed at there. Okay, not bad. I have no shame in it. I wake up and I go, oh, I wake up in the morning, right?

Oh, right. And I go, I'm going to hit a breakfast spot. Where do I go? Oh, gosh. Bojangles. It's a fast food chain. They have good breakfast there? Yeah, like a chicken biscuit situation.

Oh, I love chicken biscuits. And then for lunch, where do I go? My jingles again. My jingles again. Oh, gosh. I don't go. Well, there's this really amazing place where kids with Down syndrome work called Holy Angels. That's a really cute lunch place.

You know, like Shane Gillis opened the coffee shop. Yeah, yeah, that's good. It's that, but with the lunch place. That's amazing. It's really cute. I bet it's so cute. I got to go there. My mom taught kids with Down syndrome for 30 years, so she's a patron.

I love them too. But there's like good restaurants, like little bars and pizza places downtown that have good lunch. The real question is, what you think? that if I moved to Belmont, hypothetically, that would be able to meet somebody there? Maybe, but you would get bored. I think you need a city.

Why do I need a city? I think you're a city guy. How do you know? I don't you guys think he's a city guy. You just mention a strip club. Yeah. Yeah, you would be driving to Charlotte for all that stuff. All right.

How far is Charlotte from her? 30 minutes. Oh, yeah! I can live in Belmont. Yeah. You're 30 minutes. I think you would get bored in Belmont. Oh, you think so?

Yeah. Is there a coffee shop? Yeah. Like a mom and pop one. Yeah. While right there. A couple of those. Just some writing, reading there.

Yeah, yeah. Go visit it first, then decide. I'm not going to fucking move there, you're going to fucking mind. Yeah, but just hypothetically. Yeah. You don't think I'd be happy there. No. Could I buy property there?

Yeah. Have you bought it? I can buy property anywhere. I know. That's true. That's true. Maybe Hawaii first. I know.

I can see you totally in Hawaii. Yeah, yeah. Did you buy something? there? I used to have a house there. I had it there for about five years, but I just couldn't get back enough, so I sold it. You sold it? Yeah. And did you buy here? Oh, yeah. My first house I sold two years ago. I love that house so much, but it was really small. Because I bought this years ago, but I feel like I'm going to stay here forever. Really? Yeah. This house I'm in now is not my forever home. You know this? I know this, yeah. Wow. So I don't know. Give me your dream.

your dream situation. My old house was my dream house, but it would have had to have been bigger. Like, I want a ranch-style house, which is hard to find in L.A., but that has been made over. So it's not, like, it has the charm of an older house, but it's, like, been updated.

Modern interior design. A nice, like, real fireplace. It's still, it's still gas, but it's real. It's not one of those, like, ones with the glass behind it. Yeah. I just have, like, a TV screen that has just have fireplace.

Yeah, no, I like, I had the most amazing fireplace in my last house. Like real wood. Well, it was gas, but it was real flame. Real flame, okay. You like that. And then, you know, some privacy. Like a nice private front yard with hedges.

Why? Because I don't know. You go nude back? Yeah, I'm new in a lot. No, you lay out new in your backyard? No. Why do I need my body? You have hedges.

You have hedges. Why do I need my body tan? For who? No one's seeing this star down here. Yeah, maybe TMZ wants. I burn, I'm really fair to do. You really do? Yeah. I feel like you have a tan now.

Well, I have been, this sounds so stupid. I tread water. I have a pool, and so I tread water for exercise for like an hour. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. And you just tread there by yourself?

Uh-huh. I listen to podcast. Like, without touching your feet touching, for an hour, I'll use my. muscles and legs to stay afloat. I have a... I've never done that. You float, though. I'm a floater, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's great exercise. Yeah. And so I probably get sun from that. I put on sunscreen. I see a little tan or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, just something like that's like, like something that feels like home that's big enough that you can store stuff, but it's cozy. Do you have animals? I have a little Pomeranian.

He's a... How old is the 11? He's so cute. Yeah. Yeah. I have four. dogs here. You do? Yeah. They haven't made a sound. Oh no, they're a freezer. So shit. I want to eat them over the week? Don't do that.

What? Straight from Yuland China. No, I've got four regular dogs that are alive. They're very happy. Let me say something to you, fortune. You and I have opposite careers. Yeah? Yeah. I'm so, like, I'm

so like, not controversial, but. Yeah, controversial. You think controversial? Well, you just say, you just say whatever it comes to your mind. Yeah, but what I'm saying is I've never, like, I did the Tonight Show in 1990-2000. Leno, I did a good set, couched it. I have never been on a talk show since then. Really?

Yeah, yeah. I don't get invited to those. Even if I'm in a big movie or a series rig on a TV show, they're always getting, nah, they don't want you. Do you have a publicist? That helps. Really? They're so expensive, though. Yeah, yeah.

You have one? I have one, but, you know, usually you hire them for a certain amount of time, then take them off for a while. Why would I need one, though? To get on a late night. That's who. I know. Oh, that's what happened?

That's who facilitated. Oh, because I get mad at like Jimmy Fallon. Like, fuck Jimmy Fallon. He's never asked him. But usually... You think he's like calling? Yeah, they don't do it. Yeah, they're not calling.

Oh, Seth Myers doesn't do it. The publicist is calling. I've been to his birthday party, Seth Myers. Yeah, they're not. Those guys aren't... Oh, I could take them off of my resentment list. Yeah, yeah. Get them off the list.

Right, yeah. Letterman. All those guys. You have to pay someone a bunch of money a month to go call people for you. And sometimes a movie will do it. Sometimes. We'll have a publicist. But again, they're usually focused on the Will Ferrell's, the Reese Witherspoon.

Yeah. But let me ask you something. Okay, bud. Don't you think our ecosystem's getting there? I mean, listen, your podcast and all these guys' stand-ups shows and acts are so huge. I mean, I bet you money that handsome does better numbers than most TV shows. Yeah, we're a year and a half in and I'm 30 million. We have 30 million downloads.

Exactly. I mean, that's... So you're the biggest, you do more than most TV shows. Yeah. Probably, right? Or all of them. They're not all. I mean, there's plenty of huge TV shows, but these days, yes.

Like Bad Friends is top sometimes 15 comedy, right? Yeah. And we can say that we do better than most TV shows. Yeah. Right? And it's like, I wish Hollywood would recognize that.

They will. It's starting. It's starting. It's starting. I'm working on. I'm working on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Look at her. Killing it. Look at that. So Fortune Feemster has a Netflix special called Crushing It. Yeah.

It came out already. Right? It's on Netflix. It's on Netflix. Go fucking check it out, man. Yeah, that was awesome. And you're proud of it. I'm really proud of it.

Great. It's my third hour. Wow. I'm proud of all of them for different reasons. Yeah, yeah. But they all kind of follow a timeline in my life. A lot of fun stories.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one's probably the most elevated version, just wearing a suit and the shininess of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, wow. Put a lot of time. Do you get nervous? Do you get nervous?

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. I'm so nervous about it now. I don't get nervous about just regular shows, but filming for sure. Yeah, it's now after like, oh, like, this joke, this guy, got to go here. Yeah.

And what do I try to say here? Well, you have to remember you get two shots. at it, right? You're doing two. Four. Oh, see. I'm gonna do four. That's amazing.

Then you'll have so many chances to get it right. And one of them, I'm gonna, my last one, I'm gonna give myself the opportunity to just go crazy. Well yeah, I was gonna say like, do one where you're like, buy the book. Buy the book. Like this is all the jokes. I think the first two, buy the book, the next two crazy. Yeah, because you want the baseline to always come back to.

Yeah. And then let yourself. And you wear the, you get a different, the same suit a bunch of times. That I had, yeah, I had one suit, two different shirts, but I only filmed two shows. Okay, okay. Yeah. In the same night. Well, how did you feel about this podcast?

I felt it went great. How did you feel? I thought the time flew by. It sure did. I thought that we, a lot of times I struggle with it. Really? Oh, yeah. No, this was the opposite.

He doesn't have fun with the guests. Oh, look at us. That would have been our Chelsea lately days. Look at my boob. My one boob is really. Really popping. Why is my head on your boot? I don't know, but it looks like I have giant knockers.

And I don't, though. You don't? No, that was, maybe that was a push-up bra. Yeah, yeah. Wow. You seem very happy to be resting on my bar. No, I was just like, this is a future star. I want to get close.

We look like a couple. Yeah, yeah. We look so different now. We look young. So young. That's Chelsea Handler. That would have been Chelsea lately. lately, yeah.

That was probably 2013. How many did you do those? 100. Well, I was a writer on there, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I did so many. Yeah. I think I've had about 60 of them.

Yeah. Yeah. I think I wrote for like a thousand shows. Wow. And I thank Chelsea, because at that time, you know, I had nothing going on. Like, there was no podcast. It was hard, dude. And I asked her, I go, just kind of promote.

And she would let me on anytime I wanted to. So I really have a deep love for Chelsea. Don't you? Yeah, absolutely. She broke a lot of stars. Yeah, I just talked to her a couple weeks ago about that. She gave me my big break. Yeah.

Yeah. Zoom in on that. That was the last episode. Wow. Wow. Like who's in that? Joe Coy's in the back. Oh, Brody.

Oh, Brody's there. There's me, Whitney, Josh, Ron Funches. Michael, yeah. Natasha Legerro. Ross Matthews. Look, Joe Coy up there. In the back, yeah. Wow.

Sarah Colon. That was the core group, right? That's a lot of us, yeah. It was fun. And then there's a guy that I should mend it with. Anyway, another, another person. Another person. That's going to be your thing.

It's just mending fences. I think I've mended most of them. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've brought people that have talked shit about. Oh, yeah. And you mended it here? Oh, that's good.

Like Airy Spears and that was a big one. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Yeah, yeah. And now him and I are very close. Okay. Yeah, he's going to come back next week. Yeah. Anyway, hey, Fortune, you want to promote anything?

Handsome Podcast. Yeah. Your special. What else? I'm on tour doing... Everyone check her out on tour guys. Yeah, I'm on tour. So many, so many cities, Fortune Feemster.

Everything. Taking care of biscuits. That's the one. All right. All right, get Fortune to run and applause, everybody. Oh, and my radio show with Tom Papa on... Love Tom Papa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. B'Bululi, Naming bumbull, yamacabol