TigerBelly - Harland Williams & I Love You, Friend-O

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

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["Sukkulukumala"] So you came in here hot, huh? I came in here and postured up on me, bro. Like, you know how peacocks like flap their feathers out? Yeah. Like you like greeted me and just like postured. That's what birds of prey do, dude. Yeah, but peacocks aren't birds of prey. I think that's the problem.

Yeah. When a peacock does it, it's out of prey. I think that's the problem. Yeah when a peacock does it yeah it's out of pocket. Anyway good to have you back. Great to be back. Yeah. You get a little intro for you. May I do a little introduction? Okay. Yeah well we got a new guest coming. Give him a round of applause everybody. They call him, some people call him Dr. Gray Nipples, some people call him the human aardvark, in Russia they call him Vladimir Puto. Yeah, yeah, and he's an all around good guy, he's got Christian values, he's a huntsman.

Elaborate, huntsman's a, that's a biggie. Yeah. He's a huntsman. Hunt, like elaborate. Huntsman's a, that's a biggie. Yeah. Elaborate. Exactly. You like to hunt? Well. Yeah. You don't hunt ****?

I'm a, I fish. I'm a fisherman. Oh, you're fisher, you're a fish. I don't like hunting. Okay, my bad. I just want to clarify. Okay. I don't want people to-

You don't have gray nipples either. I do have gray nipples. Oh, you do? Oh, the tanning, like Tantastic, where I go and do my tanning bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who runs the, you know, the levels. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not good. And gray nipples and yeah, just a mess. What, what, has they, have they always been gray? No, they were a nice fleshy pink most of my life. And then when I started up at Tantastic about. nice fleshy pink most of my life. And then when I started up at Tantastic about. When I started up at Tantastic about, uh, seven months ago, they're like gray.

They're sickly gray. Why do you keep going back there? It's just the deal I got. I got the fall sun pack and so they, they, uh, you know, I'm not going to say no to good deal Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Yeah, you do tan you look like you do. Yeah, Hawaii style. Where do you go? Hawaii? Okay, I don't go to Tantastic Never heard of is there a Tantastic? Yeah, it's $13 a tan Oh, you weren't lying. It was a line T Tantastic Tuesdays. Oh shit. Oh, you go on Tuesdays.

Well, why would you mock that? Like you go to Hawaii and I go to Tantastic and now I'm the bad guy. You know what, Harland, you're right. I attacked you and I'm sure that's a very good facility and I'm sure you get a good deal. Yeah. You look tan. Tastic. Make your...

Yeah, yeah. You look tan. Tastic. Make sure. Tan. Tan. Yeah, yeah. You look tan. Thank you. You look tantastic. Except for my nipples. They're gray. They're gray, right.

In the dressing room, they call me Lord Greystoke. That's ridiculous. Oh, they do. Yeah. Because they're so gray. They're so gray. Maybe just chop them up, or maybe put a Band-Aid on them before you go in there.

Oh, like what are those things called the pasties? Yeah Yeah, yeah, I might you know Disney sells a line of pasties I might get a one one with Bambi and one of grumpy. Do you know the seven dwarfs? Sure sleepy is one You like sleepy? He sleeps around. He's a whore He's a whore. That's where he goes Yeah He sleeps around, he's a whore. Sleepy's a whore, that's where he goes. Yeah. You heard that? Have you heard of the sleeping dwarves? Yeah.

Name me the dwarves then. Grumpy, sleepy, ignorant. Is he really ignorant? I think he's thinking of Aidsy, but he- Aidsy, Aidsy passed away. Aidsy, they died. away. Aidsy that died. From what? COVID? No, he just had a really bad flu.

I see. I think you would have... Well, he should have protected himself. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, so there's Aidsy, as you were thinking. Are you excited about the Snow White movie coming out? Not really. Why?

It looks like it's very woke. It looks like they've taken a classic and just grinded it through the woke machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we don't need it. Why remake it? I don't know if it's woke. What's woke about it?

Well, I hear they put all kinds of tiny people in it, big people, but they could have used tiny people. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, they just... I don't want to see the trailer, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we don't need this trailer. It's a little low.

Yeah, look at those woke squirrels. I heard that they got rid of the Prince Charming because they didn't want to, you know, propel the whole, the man comes in and the woman wants her, Prince Charming, and that's a bad thing. So what is it? So now it's just, she air kisses, you know, or something.

I don't even know. Oh really? I haven't seen it, but yeah. Why you don't look like somebody that would watch stuff like Little Mermaid and stuff like that, what not? I will if it's on Blu-ray. Oh I see. Yeah, you like high-def stuff

I like high-def, mostly high-def sea creatures and mermaids. Your buck teeth are missing. What do you mean? You said more buck teeth, but now they're not. I got them chiseled. You did? Yeah. Well, this is Hollywood, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta get them Gotta look good here, my guy. My guy? Yeah. Do we have issues? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta get him, gotta look good here, my guy. My guy. Yeah. Do we have issues? I think we do. Just looking at you. Let's lay them on the table.

You start. Lay it on me, Carly Simon Jr. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I have some issues. Pop and drop drop guy. Pop and drop. What's pop and drop mean? That means pop it out and drop it. Daddy's right here waiting for the fucking yeast to come out of your oven. Shit you're a baker huh? Yeah. The last couple of turns there's been tense moments between you and I. Yeah. Yeah, because I didn't call you back.

What do you mean? You were mad because I didn't ever called you back. Yeah. Is this for real? I think I'm trying to be real, yeah, was there? The daily, when you blush, I love when you blush. Well, is that something you want to really talk about? He likes it.

Yeah, I like it. You like the tension? I really like it, I like the tension, yeah. All right, what do you want, let's talk about it. What do you want to talk about? What do you want to really talk about. He likes it. Yeah, I like it. You like the tension. I like the tension. Yeah. All right. What do you want to talk about?

What do you, what do you want to, what do you want to talk about? What do you mean? Why do you make us so weird? We had some tension. I was already getting out of the table, dude. Like we say, pop and drop, pop and drop. Pop and drop. Yeah.

So I'm dropping it, dude. Okay. You're dropping it. So, so you told me to call you like 300 times, which I did. And then you never followed through 300 times. Dropped. Dropped, yeah.

Yeah, dropped. Good one. So now what? We got it. We got it on the table now. What's the solution? There is no solution. I never said there was a solution.

Oh, it's just to get it out Yeah, we got it out. Okay, and now that you have it out. I like to apologize. No Yeah, no, why not? Cuz I know it's not sincere. Bro, you want it sincerity? You don't have sincerity Yes I do! Whoa! He popped. Whoa dude you popped. I'm popping and dropping. Way too much pop dude He popped. Way too much pop, dude. Yeah. Way too much drop, dude.

No, that's- So let me get sincere, dude. Okay. Hey, before you start, oh my God. You might wanna put the cap on it so the gas won't come out on your Fanta. On my Fanta?

Yeah, you can. Okay. So you can save the- Hang on. Harbor. Yeah. So you won't lose the taste. Hey, Jaime?

Sorry, go ahead. I know, but there's time to do things. Okay. That wasn't the time. Yeah, don't necessarily do it in the middle of one of his best acting moments. Whoa, dude. Maybe you should, you know what I mean?

Pop and drop? Yeah, maybe change your attitude a little bit. How about you tangerine dream all the way down to Skin Flute Street? I've been there before and I shall do it again. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, go ahead.

What do you know about Skin Flute Street? Go ahead, Guy. Dude, when you say Guy, sometimes it's condescending. Yeah. Yeah, you call me Guy, sometimes you call me Sarah Silverman. My guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.

Okay. Hey, Harlan. You know what it is about your face, though? It's goofy. So it's hard to, can you change your face so it's more dramatic? Yeah, hang on. Harland? Yeah.

Stop. It's your fault. Can we try it again? Yeah, what kind of face? Same? No, change it up maybe. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I think you's the same. I think you did the same. I moved this eyelid a little. Yeah.

Alright. Harlan? Yeah. I apologize for not calling you back. How many times? 300. I'm sorry. What if I said I don't believe you?

Well, you should all look. Okay, guys, how'd you feel? Empty. It felt empty. Well, because we're doing the face thing. I know, but you told me to. You directed it. I told you to do it. You told me to. That's why.

I told you to do it. You told me to do it. Right. Let's just move on from it. Okay. Should we move on? It's your show, buddy. I'm my guy. I'm here.

I'm your vessel. So Jaime, are you a fan of Harlan Williams? Yes. Where do you know him from? Employee of the Month. Oh. What else? Dumb and Dumber.

There we go. Jeez. Great movie. Thanks. Very funny, isn't it? Can I talk about something more substantive? It's the way you do it. What a magic. Very magical. Yeah, we can talk about something something. Yeah, I as I transition into my 40s, my my world is sort of opening up. I'm

starting to starting to kind of let let other influences kind of filter into my life. Yeah. Like I used to be sort of creatively closed off to other artists. I didn't want to be mentored. I didn't want to be influenced. And if you got time for a quick little story, I'm kind of hanging out with, and I don't like to name drop, but I'm kind of hanging out with sort of a celeb guy from the seventies and eighties who's kind of sort of opened my mind up a bit towards my, my art that I do and my.

Is it somebody that I would know? Yeah. Okay. I can say the name John, John Cougar Mellencamp. Do you know this guy? I love him. Right? Jack and Diane.

Jack and Diane. And this is. You know Jack and Diane? No, I don't. You don't know it? Jack and Diane. Jack and Diane and this is- You know Jack and Diane? No, I don't. You don't know it? No. Oh. Wait, can you explain it?

Because she's not from here. So Jack and Diane is a famous song that John Cougar Melancham put out in the 80s. Okay. And it's very Americana. It speaks to kind of the Norman Rockwell-esque part of America, you know, the Midwest. You know what Norman Rockwell is? No. No.

No. I don't. It's okay. No, just no, it's not okay. It's okay. It's not okay. No, I mean- Explain it to her in words that she would understand.

Okay, like the Hulk? Yeah, maybe get- yeah, maybe Hulk it up. Yeah. John Cougar Mellencamp sings song in America. He like singing stuff. What kind of song? He like sing rock and roll stuff. Can you sing one? Yeah, so one of his famous songs.

And this is how we came together. Exactly. And you hit it on the head. He did this song, little ditty about Jack and Diane, two American kids growing up in the heartland. Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thing of living is gone. And then he does this, he goes, ding ding ding ding. Ding ding ding ding.

Remember? Yeah, yeah, I remember that. I remember that. A little lick, right? A little lick. Do you remember? Does it ring, I remember that, I remember that. That little lick, right? Yeah, that little lick. Do you remember?

Does it ring a bell now? A little bit. That sounds like, life is a highway, I wanna ride. Right, except that's a completely different other song. Well, I know, it just sounds similar. Sure, sure, thanks Helen Keller. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. If we could get back to my story there, uh, tomato paste Tommy. Where did you get these grapes? I don't know. Out of bus. A catalog, you could just order them. So anyways, it's funny how life happens, how things come together. Yeah.

How'd you meet Johnny? So John Cougar Mellon camp, I didn't expect him to meet him, but it was on a Christmas Eve and Christmas can be an emotional time of year. Do you celebrate Christmas? We love the Christmas holiday. You love it, right? It's sort of magical.

The snow. There's snow, there's elves. Elves, the eggnog. Eggnog. And there's sort of like goodwill in the air. Do you celebrate Christmas, my tender love? Yes, I do. And how about you?

Yes, I do. Sami Sag, Smug, Figgily Dunk, Nugget Bluggins? Yes, I do. Santa Claus. That's a good one. Okay. He doesn't get out much. So I was spending a Christmas Eve in the Midwest and I was feeling a little lonely.

You know, I didn't really have... You're a sad guy. I wasn't around family. I was staying at a friend's and... Well, I just... You got your shirt. Your shirt. Yeah.

It's a shirt. Yeah. Is it a bear playing a guitar or is it Bigfoot? Gorillas. Oh, my bad. You can laugh all you want, but Sigourney Weaver hand knitted this for me. Is it a monkey, a bear?

I just said gorilla. Oh, this guy can't see the head. He said gorilla, though. Wait, Sigourney Weaver. Did you ever see Gorillaz in the Mist? Oh yeah. Oh God. She's in that.

She's in that, she's the star. Since she's been a nut. Yeah, I played the Mist, I don't know if you remember. Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh wow. Remember? Yeah.

Yeah, pretty good huh? Oh I missed it. Yeah. But. Sigourney, wow, when she was doing the movie. When she was doing the movie. She handed it. She handed it. Guys, guys, she handed it. That's true. He's wearing it right now. Well, you know, when you're shooting movies, you have a lot of downtime, right?

Right. You're waiting for the next shot. But that was in the early 80s, no? Right. That's right. How does she know you? Well. You weren waiting for the next shot. But that was in the early 80s, no? Right, that's right. How does she know you? Well. You weren't a known person then. That might be the next story when I finally get to finish the John Cougar Melon Camp story. I'm sorry, you're right, go ahead. Christmas.

Christmas. You're in the Midwest. Mid-Mest. You're sad, you're alone. I'm alone and I go out for a walk and it's funny how life brings forces together. And I'm, I'm wandering into the snow coming down Christmas Eve. You can hear Christmas carols filtering through the night in the distance.

Have you ever heard that? I mean, when you're not standing out in the corn crying for the babies. Yeah. Oh, so I'm wandering through this, this small town, snowy nights, no drifting down, soft, the big flakes, like your grandmother's psoriasis blowing in the air. And I'm alone. I'm not with anyone,

and I see the warm glow of a Shell station sign in the distance through the snow. Are there beavers? Excuse you? Are there beavers? On Christmas Eve? No, there's no beavers. There weren't muskrats. There weren't capybaras.

I wish there were though, no? Maybe you're right. Let me reword it. So I'm walking on this lonely Christmas Eve night. Snow coming down, the soft glow of a shell station sign in the distance, and the tender chewing of a beaver through a birch tree just into the distance. What's the sound?

What's the sound like? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. There are beavers. There are beavers. Yeah, there are beavers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And all of a sudden I realize I gotta do a Christmas tinkle. I've been drinking the eggnog. I've been, you know, daddy's. Get the pee. I gotta pee. We call it a Christmas tinkle on Christmas Eve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go into the bathroom at the Shell station. Yeah.

And I'm in stall number three. Yeah. And because I'm in the middle of nowhere, I start singing this ditty. If you could pay attention. Ah. She drifted out of the bottle. Well, she drifted off.

No, I'm listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm listening. She was like a Kmart in like Columbus, Ohio, looking at stuffed animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where were you thinking? I'm listening. What was the last part of your story? I know you went into the shell to pee, you're in the third. Stall.

Stall. And then you stop. Well, it's not really a pee, what is it? A Christmas tinkle. Whoa. Trendy yours? Yeah. and then you stop. Well, it's not really a P, what is it? A Christmas tinkle. Whoa.

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Price picks. Price picks, run your game. I have a question. Yeah. How much was gas at this station? I'm just wondering because it's an 80s. Have you ever seen a Galapagos tortoise my guy? I've seen a tortoise. Okay but a giant hundred-year-old Galapagos tortoise, my guy? I've seen a tortoise. Okay, but a giant 100-year-old Galapagos tortoise? I haven't seen it. Because I'd really like to smash one in your face. Okay. Like just Charles Darwin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just Darwin. Yeah, yeah. His fucking... You know, I felt the same way. I forgot what it was in my mind. I know it was a big turtle. I didn't know it was an opacus.

Tortoise. Tortoise. Whoa, guy. Guy. What? There's a big difference between... That's what you want to smash on his face. Oh yeah.

Just heave it up and clonk him. Yeah. Let's go back. So here I am. I'm in stall number three at the Shell station. Yeah. It's Christmas Eve.

Christmas tinkle. Doing a Christmas tinkle. I'm standing there. I'm feeling lonely and I'm in the Midwest as I'm standing there draining myself. A song comes into my head, John Cougar Melon Camps song, Little Diddy About Jack and Diane. Yeah, Jack and Diane.

So I'm standing there and I'm singing it to myself. Little Diddy about Jack and Diane. I look over, I notice there's a glory hole. What do you mean? There's a glory hole. There's a hole. In the side of the stall. in the side of the stall. Okay?

I'm not into that stuff. I know you're not. I just noticed it. I was standing there, looked down, there's a glory hole. Still singing though. Little Diddy, about Jack and Diane, two American kids going up in the heartland. And then as God is my witness, I hear, beanie, beanie, beanie, and then a little giggle like an elf.

I go, what the F? What the F? I go down, look through the glory hole. John Coogan, Mellor cap is on the other side. His gapped teeth looking right through. He does it again. Beanie, beanie, the does it again. The odds. What are the odds? What are the odds? What are the odds? It's like if I sang Yellow Submarine, it was Ringo Starr. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Dude, this was a Christmas miracle at a Shell station. A random Shell

station in the Midwest. Beavers chewing inance, snow comin' down. Right, right, right. So I go out walkin' through the snow, me and Mellon camp, and he starts tellin' me, you know, as I'm sorta, now sorta this age where I'm segwaying into my early 40s, and he's tellin' me about art and how to open up and let people in, and it was just this wonderful walk through the snow with Mellon. Yeah, yeah. And just was just this wonderful walk through the snow with melon. Did you stick your...

No, I don't do the glory hole thing. I know, but why was he peeking through there? I don't know. It was just the weirdest thing. Why was his eye... He's looking for something. Well, because I was singing little... And almost on cue... And then the little giggle like an elf. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eeehe-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he- writer's block. Sure. Right? So you kind of, do you call someone? Do you have a mentor? Yeah, I call people. Other comics, probably. Who do you call? Do you mind me prying or?

No, no, no. I would call maybe a good close friend, like Eric Griffin or somebody. And just kind of walk it through? Yeah, walk it through. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what I'll do with the camp. I'll give, I'll give the melon a call and we'll talk about, you know, comedy and,

and he tells me, um, comedy is sort of like music. It's different notes. I see. And so the Kug like he kind of walks me through stuff helps me with my art. Yeah. I do art. That's great. Some people call it comedy but I do what I call it art. You know you're a different kind of performer. Well. Yeah. You do art when we're up there like oh he's like freaking. Art. Rembrandt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, up there. So anyways, I just wanted to share that. Do you have a little mentor,

someone that you can bounce ideas off? Well, my aunt, Kalyla. Oh yeah, okay. Like what types of things will you ask her? Like, what should I do after college? What'd she say? She says like I don't know, just figure it out on your own. So a real big help? I don't. The shirt, Nick, can we go like the shirt now? Yeah, yeah. Thank you for letting me. Very good, what a great, what a beautiful. It's just for me as I segue into my late 30s

and I start to expand my art and try to get more creative and to have the melon. Yeah, the melon in there, yeah. To have the melon as a shoulder to talk to or an eyeball to. Yeah, okay, Am I bad? No. Maybe John Mellencamp could maybe give you a chin.

John Cougar Mellencamp. Yeah, because it's pretty- Pardon me? A chin. Bro. What's so funny? I don't have a chin either. Yeah, I wasn't saying, maybe he could have gave you, does he have that ability?

Dude, I've been like this for my whole life. Oh, I'm sorry. Sensitive topic? A little bit. Yeah, I apologize, I attacked you. Well, it was more like a subtle stab through the spine and sort of half severed my fourth vertebrae, leaving me crippled and writhing on the floor

with foam coming out of my nipples. Thanks for that. I apologize. Fren-do. Really guy. How would you, remember this one? Yeah. How would you know?

Fren-do. I don't remember. No country for old. Oh, that was really good. Remember when he goes into the gas station. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you know? Yeah. Fren-do. He calls him Fren-do. I don he goes into the gas station? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you know? Frendo.

He calls him Frendo. I don't know what. Who says Frendo? It's so ominous. It's so good. It's so scary. He probably did a bunch of takes without it. And it was like the last take maybe.

And he just, that one take, he calls him Frendo. Give me another word that you would use. That I would use? Well, that wasn't mine. That was. I know, that wasn't the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you give me your version of that.

Oh, okay. What's the scenario? Give me the scenario in the movie again. Okay, so he walks into the gas station. And there's a guy there. There's a guy, there's like an old country, a Hasee. Can I be the Hasee?

You be the Hasee. Yeah, yeah, and then, 1495. 1495? Yeah. How do you know it's that much? What I look on the on the actual gas. It just says it on the... Good for you friendo. What? No you have to change it. Oh, you don't want Frendo. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to see your version of it. Oh, you want my version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I hear it. Can we hear it? Yeah, and then you do your own version. This will help me if we hear it. You learn the lines and I'll learn the lines.

All right, here we go. I'll learn the lines. Here we go. Let's learn the lines. I've seen you was from Dallas. What business is it of yours where I'm from, Frendo? That's it. Okay, we got it, right? Yeah. I'd see if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place.

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. We watched it again. She was rubbing my leg under the table.

She was rubbing my leg under the table. That's fucking... You saw me. I was trying to... All I feel is a leg going like this. My leg. The seduction for the night over here. I think it's $0.69. You say something and I go... Lay off.

How much of the gas? Let's say it again. Can you tell your friend to focus? I want to be in this and I got, I go, well. How much of the gas? Let's say it again, let's say it again. Can you tell your friend to focus? Yeah, you focus, yeah, focus, focus. I wanna be in this and I got seduction Sarah over here. Rewind it, rewind it, let's see the scene again here. What way would that be? Actually, no, go from the beginning. Friendo.

Okay, right, we got. Okay. All right, ready? Yeah, Jules? 69 cents. 69 cents. What? This fucking girl! would you back the hell up? What did you?

I know. What is this? Night prowler over there. I know, maybe improvise because I don't think you can memorize the lines through the fucking thing. I got him, but you got someone rubbing your leg up and down with a fucking croc. He's got a lemon-lined croc. I think the line is 69 cents.

I think it's something about how much is gas or whatever. Yeah. Let's do it again. You want to do it again? Yeah. All right. 69 cents. That's how much is 69 cents.

$13.95. How's the weather up in Dallas? Sorry, sorry. Go. So how's the weather around, where are you from? How would you know? Well, your last place is Dallas. Oh, have you ever been to Dallas, curly fry clit? That's good. Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, thank you for giving me a shot. Curly fry, curly fry, clit. Curly fry, not fly. Oh, curly fry, clit. Yeah, you said fly. Yeah, yeah. What's the difference? Dude, are we actors or what?

I think so. Dude, I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where did we learn to act? Dude, I know, dude. And I like the way you improvised. I think you did a better line there I what I liked is the energy. I was getting out of your what's this right here. Oh

Oh, you have an Okay, right we have the script perfect. What's my character's name garlic bread? What is it sugar? Sugar one sugar. All right, okay. Can you zoom it up a little my eyes are like not good. Yeah, all right Oh, yeah, right. There we go Ready? Go ahead. How much? 69 cents this and the gas y'all getting a rain up your way What way would that be? I? seen you from Dallas

What businesses of yours where I'm from? curly fry clip I seen you from Dallas. What businesses of yours where I'm from? Curly Fry Clip. So good. Very good. Amazing. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. And that take, just so you know, full leg.

Full rubbing my leg as we did that. I was zoned in. Imagine if you were on set, this little one is below the camera fucking rubbing your leg. What? Yeah, yeah. And then you're still having to do the fucking line.

And she's got lemon lime crocs on. Have you ever had your leg rubbed with a croc? No. Dude. Whoa. Dude, you get friction burn. Yeah, it's intrusive. Rubber and calf meat. Yeah, yeah.

And it's, holy God. Wow, yeah, yeah. Holy God. Wow. Like goulash. It's like a crock-losh. Crock-losh. I have a question. Yeah, go ahead. What's a curly fried clit?

She's not from around here. Nah. She's not around these parts. Explain. You wanna tell her they're zebra teeth? I can't talk no more. My confidence is gone. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Well, no one told me his name. I'm sorry, but I don't hear names. That's your new name. Zebra teeth. Yeah. Tell her what curly fry tit means.

Clit. Sorry, my... Yeah. Curly fry. You know, curly fry. Noit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit.

Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit. Clit, clit, clit looks like a curly fry? Yeah. There we go. So when you're down with some woman, right? And her clit does like a... Like a toboggan. That's called a curly fry tit.

It was clit. I've seen the press, that's why. I had a girlfriend once, she had a curly fry tit. No! Yeah, the nipple went... So that's why I get confused. Can you imagine her baby like drinking out of a crazy straw?

Yeah, I never thought of it that way. That kid would grow up fun. Yeah, it'd be fun. Yeah. By the way, can I ask you about your umbilical cord when you were a kid? Yeah. Because when we were kids, my mother left

mine attached for about six weeks. Most people cut, most people cut them right away. Wait, wait. So let me ask you, well, cause I'm not understanding what you're saying. Okay, let's clear it up. Can I clear it up? Yeah.

So you were born in a hospital like all of us. Yeah, yeah. Either through- North York general. Okay, through C-section or vaginal birth, like natural birth. Through vagi. I'm a vagi baby. You're a vagi baby? Yeah. Yeah, through C-section or vaginal birth, like natural birth? Through vagi. I'm a vagi baby.

You're a vagi baby? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when you came out, you're crying, and the doctor's like, and you're probably full of fluid. Covered with placenta. Placenta, right?

Armenian doctor with one of the hairiest arms you ever see. I thought I was getting slapped by Robin Williams. It was just the hairiest thing. And he had Adder. Like he had Adder with me. What's Adder? Well, you know, when you're a baby, you get one whack. This SOB, this Armenian SOB, he hit me about 15 times. Right, probably on the head. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, so they come out, they clipped in billyical cord. On others. On others, but for you they went nah. No, well, my mother, you know, they say when you

throw a baby on a mother's chest, it creates instant attachment, right? And so my mother wanted to keep that sort of connectivity to her boy, me, and she insisted on they don't cut it. And so we had about a six week period where I was still attached to her umbilical cord. And.

Yeah. What? Oh yeah. Yeah. And then. I was, I'm on record in the Guinness Book of World Records as the youngest bungee jumper on record. She would, she would go up on the roof and

kick me and boom, and then brr and catch me. Oh, it's elastic. I didn't realize it was elastic. Oh, it's rubbery. It's rubbery. And we'd go out in the boat and she'd throw rear and catch me. Oh, it's elastic. I didn't realize it was elastic. Oh, it's rubbery. It's rubbery. And we'd go out in the boat and she'd throw me off the back. Yeah, yeah. I could water ski without water ski.

I could be up on... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could be up on the bare feet. Wow, wow, wow. I've never seen that. It lasted a while till a muskulunge attacked me. Have you ever seen a muskulunge? No.

One of the biggest freshwater predatory fish. And I was just, I was booting along like a fishing lure. On the lake. On the lake, this thing. Lake Okanaga, Huckamucka log. One of those. Yeah, there's a musky. There's a musky.

That's the short term musky, but they're full name muskelein. So he bit into your, you're probably six weeks. Jumping at me, snapping at me. But luckily we had a musky. You're a six week old. Excuse me, I'm asking. Okay, Excuse me. You're a six week old, excuse me, I'm asking. Okay, excuse me.

Your excuse? All right, you're a six week old baby. Yes. Stop. You were. Right, yeah I know I was, but I'll tell you what I wasn't, on a lake, fucking water skiing with an umbilical cord, I touched my mom's vagina on a lake and a fucking fish comes and eats the fucking,

that's insane. Well I guess I know where you grew up. Hello, Boarsville? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha off her fucking crooked crab legs. I get it. Yeah. I just said about my bad. I was just questioning it because I've just never seen anything like that before. Hey, it's okay. Friendo. And how can you remember it? You were six weeks.

Well, when you're, no, when you're, when you're, when you're flung around like a piece of meat at a deli and your mother's twirling you you should walking down the street twirling you and Swirling you and throwing you up in the tree to rescue cats and taking you for walk I'm sorry. I apologize. Take my staff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my god. You don't forget that. You don't forget the glory days Yeah, yeah, those are the glory holes. Yeah. Yeah, I You don't forget the glory days. Yeah, those are the glory days. Or the glory holes. Yeah, yeah.

Deenie, neenie. Deenie, neenie. Hee hee hee hee hee. Yeah, I love it, dude. Speaking of noises. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Come on, Jeff.

Bro, it's too much. Well. It's too much tonight. You know? It's a lot. OK, welcome. Welcome back. Welcome back, Carla. It's a lot. It's a lot okay welcome welcome back welcome back Carla it's a lot it's a lot go ahead guy look we're both artists we just demonstrated the

power we have with our acting right yeah yeah I mean did you really feel something I did I felt a connection I like Meisner technique okay we did repetitions but I was feeling it right Right? Back and forth. And I was feeling it. You don't touch my mother! Fren-do. See? You see what he just did? That's called repetition. Yeah.

I think you did it wrong. Yeah. Do you wanna try it? Yeah. You don't touch my mother! You don't touch my mother? No, you do the Fren-do. Oh.

Oh. Oh. You don't touch my mother! Fren-do. Oh, wow. You don't touch my mother. Frendo. Oh wow. Dude, give me a potato, it's harvest season. Exactly, dude. Exactly.

What were you gonna say? So I was gonna say, you and I, it's a crafty business, the entertainment industry. Exactly. You're a survivor, I'm a survivor. We're both survivors. It's hard to make your way through and every now and then you have an epiphany. Every now and, I'm a survivor. We're both survivors. It's hard to make your way through and every now and

then you have an epiphany. Every now and then you make a deal. With the devil? Not the devil, just creatively. Every now and then you make a step that helps propel you up that staircase to success. And if I could share with you and the mutants here. ["Heal It Sleeps"]

Duh duh duh, no no no no no no, Heal it sleeps. For your mind. For your body and your head. Yeah, cause it feels good doesn't it? It does. It feels real good. Like listen, I have a house. Yeah you do. feels good, doesn't it? It does. It feels real good. Like, listen, I have a house. Yeah, you do.

And all my mattresses in my house, I have two mattresses. So I just say two. I don't always say all like I asked if I live in a mansion, but the two mattresses I do have in my house, right, are both Helix Sleep. I sleep so good on them, on both of them, because sometimes I take naps in the other room.

Oh, wow. Yeah, with the cats, it's my cat time. And so sometimes I go on the road, and I don't sleep well, mostly in hotel rooms. In fact, all the time I don't. Except for this one time, I was at a hotel, and I was like, dude, this bed's amazing. I've been sleeping good this week,

and it was literally a helix sleep, I swear to God. How'd you know, you flipped the bed over? No, no, no, I asked downstairs, like what kind of mattress is that? It was like a more, it was a, with those new, kitschy, new, you know what I mean, hipster hotels, right? And so I knew then, as I know now, as I know in the future, that Helix Sleep is the only mattress I will ever use.

Amazing. 20% off all mattress orders. HelixSleep.com slash Belly. That's HelixSleep.com slash Belly for 20% off all mattress orders. Get your Helix. I did something that I'm sort of proud of. I don't like to toot my own horn, but have you ever bought the rights, the copyright to anything? No, but you know, I've always been curious of buying intellectual property, IP. Here we go.

Is there anything you've ever had your eye on, guys? Well, we were looking at some, like, low-end manga that I can buy maybe and turn it into something. Low-end what? Manga. Manga? Anime? Anime.

Oh, okay. You never heard of it? Finally something I don't know. Because I know most things. You never heard of manga? Finally something I don't know. Because I know most things. You never heard of manga, like comics? By the way, have you ever climbed up a tree in the middle of the night? On a Christmas Eve? No. Okay, you will.

I got my hands on, do you know how all these musical artists are selling their music libraries? Like Neil Young and the Beastie Boys, like they're selling them for hundreds of millions of dollars. I got kind of a bargain basement snatch that everyone overlooked. Tell me. And it's a biggie. I was able to procure the rights to Michael Jackson's shee-hee and shee-hee. And what he did was he used to be.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm just a little confused. Do you remember Jacko? Shee-hee. Do you remember Jacko Frendo? No. What's Jacko Frendo? Michael Jackson. I know Jack yeah. Jacko? Chee-hee. Do you remember Jacko Frendo? No, what's Jacko Frendo? Michael Jackson. I know Jacko.

Jacko. Oh, they used to call him that. That's what they call him. But the Chee-hee, right? It's like a little thing. And Chee! And Chee! Those are little things he would do in a song.

Right, and what did he do with them? He used them to accentuate a bad song. It was a tag on to elevate it to a really good song. Bum bum, ba ba bum bum, ba ba bum. That kind of thing. Bingo daddy. And so everyone was in such a mad rush. The song was good. Right, but they were in such a mad rush to pick up his songs.

Right. They left, Chi-hi and Chi on the table. Oh, they bought all of it but those two. Guess who picked them up? Wait, wait, wait, wait, I don't think you can. I got them. I know, I know, I think you got the wrong, I don't think you really have them.

Hear me now, hear me now. When I do stand up now, and you know how hard it is to write a good joke, give me one of your quick jokes, like a 10 second punch line on one of your jokes. Any one of them. I'll do an old joke. Yeah. There's no difference between human beings.

There's no difference between two dogs, like a Dover Mimpinch or a Cocker Spaniel. They both taste the same. Right. Now, watch this. There's no difference between dogsinch or a Cocker Spaniel. They both taste the same. Right, now, watch this. There's no difference between dogs, like a Cocker Spaniel and a Doverman Pinch, they both taste the same.

Chee-hee! It's better. It's better. It's better. Did you hear the reaction? Yeah, I did. Chee-hee! Right?

That'll be $40 by the way. Yeah, yeah. Well, the company will pay for it. So if I go, Chee-hee, I just owe you $40? Yeah, it's a licensing thing. Wow. Yeah. To anyone in the world.

Or you can go, Chee-hee. Right. So I have them both. Right. But what if I stub my toe. Right. And I go, oh, Che-hee! Hmm. Yeah, is that the same thing? That's my natural reaction. I'm gonna talk to my lawyers about that one.

Yeah, that's a good point. Or I'm like, I see cheese, I get really excited, I go, gee! Right, and it's like, I forgot to ask, I get so excited, do you get money for that? There could be litigation, there could be litigation. What? There could be litigation, I don't wanna steal a friend. Oh, will it be? Oh, fuck, I owe Harlan 40 bucks. But see, this is what I was talking about.

Sometimes you have a windfall. As I sort of segue into my mid-30s as an entertainer and you start to open up, what? I didn't see anything. Why not? You were looking at me. You wanna say something? No.

How come? I just wanna listen. I know, but say something. You're making me really uncomfortable. Yeah, you say something. Do you think he's in the mid-30s? How old do you think he is? Late 40s. Yeah, yeah. I misspoke with the 30s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mid 40s. Yeah. And, I mean, you're wrong. And so, older? Huh? Older? No. Look at him.

And so me... Older? Huh? Older? No? Look at him, look at him. 50. Well, you can say look at him or you can say look at him. Oh!

40s, 40s, are he 40s? Wanna take another 20 off? So 20? 20? 20? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 20. Yeah, anyway, so that's true. Right? So isn't that cool? Yeah, I love it. 20. Yeah. Anyway, so that's true.

Right? So isn't that cool? Yeah, yeah, I love it. Isn't that cool? Very good. So can we talk about the shirt or? Yeah, please, go ahead. I feel like it sort of commandeered things for a little bit.

No, I love it. No, I love when you do it. Yeah, you got a good energy. Rondo. Isn't it the creepiest? It's so creepy. It's like, it's more scary than I'm gonna kill you. I want you to try this.

Go ahead. You're making love to a woman. You're on the, you're about the climax. Instead of making a gigantic noise, you just grab the back of her hair. No, maybe just gently. Or just don't grab anything. Maybe don't grab, right?

And just in her ear, just go, friendo. Right when you're not. As I'm making love? No, right when you're not, friendo. How would you guys play out the scene? Bobby will be the woman go ahead? What's your name? It's not gonna work there's no way I'm gonna sleep with friend out

My name is friend try. I'm out! If I go hi, my name is Frendo, I'm out! Let me just try with a hypothetical girl right here. Alright, I'm going to play her. Oh, you want to be her? Yeah, so I'm sort of half Apache. Okay. Right? Yeah, I'm half Apache, half Mong.

Mong? Yeah, yeah. What the hell is that? It's a group of people. No, it's not Hmong. Hmong? Yeah, yeah. What the hell's that? It's a group of people. No, it's not. It is. The Hmong people, yeah.

I'm half Apache, I'm half Eskimo. Okay. Is that cool? Great, of course it's cool. You're an Eskimo. My name is Tinchy. Wow. Right?

Okay. The problem with me is I have no calves. Really? It just goes from knee to foot. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Tinchy. Do you have just goes from knee to foot. Oh wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tinchy. Do you have any horses?

Yeah. Okay. But they're, yeah, they're donkeys. Okay. Okay. So I'm riding into town on a donkey. My name is Tinchy, no calves, knee to foot, right? Okay.

Half Apache, half Eskimo, right? I have a, attached to my fucking donkey, I'm dragging an igloo. Like a full igloo, right? I'm rolling into town. Angum? Hi. Hello.

What's your name? If you say friendo, I'm out. Okay. If you say friendo until we come, I'm out. Okay? What's your name? Larry. Hey Larry. Hey. What you your name? Larry. Hey, Larry.

Hey. What you want to do? I'd like to power slam you. Now we cut to, right? We're in my igloo. OK, ready? It's cold. Hold still.

If you could look away please. Rondo. Sheehee! Wow. Oh God. Just made myself 40 bucks. Wow, that's called a callback too. You're so clever. Thanks buddy. You're an artist.

I do art. Too much sugar in the fantail? I like a little sugar. Yeah, okay. Speaking of sugar, this is, I'm really excited because this is fall, my fall pastry season. And every fall I love to, you know I'm a pastry nut,

and I like to get out and create my pastries. But this year we're doing something a little different. Because you know. I honestly did not know. Oh really? I just never looked at you as a baker of any kind. Yeah, every fall, every season I do spring pastries, fall pastries, winter pastries.

Give me an example of a fall pastry, for instance. Just a hazelnut fudge cluster square. Wow, this seems sticky. Oh yeah, we use all the best ingredients, but here's- How about a summer pastry? Well, let me tell you what we're doing this season and then I'll give you all the pastries you want. Okay.

But one of the things sadly, is there anyone in your family terminally ill? It looks like there might be. No. How about you, Wonder Bread Wally? No, I don't think so. Nobody's terminally ill? My grandma has, no, she has diabetes,

but that's not terminally ill. You can use that. Well, do you know anybody who's died? And it's a touchy topic, but this is where I'm going with this. You know anyone that died? My grandma. So sorry, what happened?

She had cancer. What kind? Breast cancer. How old was she? It's tough to talk about. Yeah, yeah. I don't know why. 65, 68 something, yeah.

Did she like pastries? Yeah, she did. Okay, what kind? Pandesal, like the Filipino bread. Pandesal bread, yeah. Cinnamon raisin or just regular? Cinnamon raisin is also good. Yeah. I think she'd like that.

Pandesal. Right out of the oven. Yeah. So what? So what I do with my fall pastry series, a lot of people look how tense the table got when we started to talk about a terrible illness. I was weeped. I got teary eyed.

Right? Yeah. And her dear grandmother, picture her grandmother at the edge of her bed with a bundesal bun in her hand, cinnamon rays in the fumes going up in her face. Yeah. And people sort of push the terminally ill to the side, we almost act like they shouldn't exist or

they don't exist. And so what I try to do to be inclusive with my fall pastry line is I've come up with some wonderful pastries that sort of are all inclusive for the terminally ill. Oh wow. And so you asked for some names and let me start with my,

some names and let me start with my, let me start with my cinnamon chocolate hazelnut leukemia loaf, log cake. Wonderful cake, we make it for the people with leukemia and we have a delicious lemon tart, lemon citrus whipped cream with raisin spinal bifida tarts. Do you do pumpkin spice? We do. Yes, yes. No, we have some pumpkin spice polio squares. Have you ever had those? No. Oh, you'd love them. Wait, let me ask you. Yeah.

Is there polio in the squares? Well, they're just sort of named after it. Uh-oh. Yeah. So I'm not going to bite into one. I go, mm. No, no. You're not going to.

Fresh polio. They harvested early or whatever. It's sort of to help remind people that these things exist and that we're thinking of them. I know, but if I, let me just, I'm just FFYI. You know, if I'm dying of some sort of leukemia and you're by my bed and you go, I made you some leukemia, whatever, raisin muffins.

Cinnamon, marshmallow, leukemia, log cake. Log cake, right? Yes. Right. Yeah, I don't necessarily, I don't think it's gonna cheer me up having the word in the name of the, if you just give me a log cake, I'd be like, oh that was a nice gesture Harlan, thank you so much for the- Right, but it's for family, it's for friends so that we remember. You know, you're reminding them of the illness, I don't think that's not a good thing.

Well we're also reminding them that we can have a little fun with it. Everyone gets so tense. Everyone, you know, don't touch it. There's humor in everything. Right. I see. So when we can cheer them up. So I have leukemia. You give me the... So this is... Go ahead. Yeah. Oh, Marlon, hi.

Hi. You're looking a little almost dead today. Excuse me? I brought you a nice marshmallow cinnamon leukemia log cake. Is that what happens? A lot. It does, that happens a lot. I mean, you would think that maybe, just F1, maybe put some chemo in it.

You could, these are great ideas. No, I like the way he workshopped. Yeah, I'm workshopping it, yeah, yeah. And then, and then if I could, there's also little Tiny, there's a boy at the end of our street, and his name's Tiny, and- That's his name?

That's his name, Tiny, we call him Tiny Nubbins, because he was born, unfortunately, he has no arms. Yeah. And he's in his wheelchair, he has little nubblings. And so what I do during pastry season, have you ever heard of a bear claw, my love? Have you ever had a bear claw? Yeah. Right? They're kind of big, puffy. You had your hand up? Yes, I have a question. His name is Tiny. He doesn't have arms. How does he get around in his wheelchair? Well, he lives with his family. Oh, so they push him around.

Yeah, they push him around. And this is sort of where my... Wait, wait, wait. That's where your mind went? Yeah, like... You thought he lived alone? Yeah, like a kid. You ever had a white macadamium? A white what now? White macadamium chocolate? Macadamia? Macadamia, right? Yeah, macadamia. Macadamium. Oh wait, what now? White macadamium chocolate.

Macadamia. Macadamia. Macadamia. Macadamia. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jaime? Not so much, you know?

Okay, okay. Okay. Go ahead, sorry, sir. So nubbins, tiny nubbins. Tiny nubbins. What I do is every season. Can I guess? Yeah.

Hopefully this is not it. Yeah. You make him gigantic arm claws for his arms? Yeah, bear claws. If you ever had a bear, it's like an apple fritter. I know, I know. It's a big delicious. You would catch them to the nuts?

What we do, we don't attach it. We put with icing sugar. We glue them to tiny McNubbin's arm and he gets so excited he sort of flaps them like a, yeah. And he gets so excited, he sort of flaps them like a sea turtle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he creates a draft and he actually can roll himself around his room.

What a sweet gentleman. This is the magic of pastries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. It's good. Does he eat it? Pardon you? Does he?

Yeah, pardon you, yeah. Does he? Yeah, pardon you. Does he eat the arms? He does not eat them initially because he likes, he likes to create that draft and he sort of flaps his meat nublins around. Yeah, yeah. There's a bear claw and you just stick them on with icing sugar and his little meat slabs

and he rolls all around the room with his nublins. It's so interesting. His meat flap. Sometimes you can hear them at night slapping like a seal underwater eating a sunfish. Is he still alive Tiny McNubbins? Tiny McNubbins, he still rolls around at night with his meat flappers and sweet nublins

and icing flying into the ceiling fan. They wake up in the morning and he's covered with ants. Really? Yeah. Problem? But this is the magic of pastry season. Exactly, it's what a beautiful thing. Right, and you're sort of bridging the gap.

People are so apprehensive to talk about people with ailments. Right. And it's tragic. It's very tragic. Because we sort of, let's be honest gang, we sort of almost cut them out of our lives. Because it's tragic because we sort of, let's be honest gang, we sort of almost cut them out of our lives.

People are afraid of it. So uncomfortable to talk about. And to think pastries bring terminal people and regulars together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so interesting. Isn't that nice? Yeah, yeah.

Jaime, do you have any questions for Dr. Harlan Williams? Dr. Harlan, no, I don't know. Oh, you're a doctor? Little bit. Yeah, he's a doctor. Why? Yeah, why? I thought you were a comedian.

Well, you can be both. What? You know that guy, Dr. Kim, the Asian guy? Ken. Doctor who? Ken. Ken, Ken Jeong, what's his name? Ken. Doctor who? Ken. Ken, Ken Jong, what's his name? Ken Jong Jr.

Ken Jong Jr., he's a doctor. Woodfield. I'm in the gynecology field. Yeah, you know what that is? For the pussy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't call it that. Well, I'm the doctor.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Call it the crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they call it the crack. What the? They call it the kraken. That spicy little fella. Yeah, they call it the crack. They call it the crackin. That's a spicy little fella. Yeah, I know.

When you're being a gynecologist. Yeah. Are there, I mean, you, you accept all patients. All patients. Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen stuff that we shouldn't see or? Yeah, sometimes you get up there and people,

you know, humans are humans, they're curious. And, uh, you know, sometimes you'll see, people will insert things. And I don't know, have you ever seen they're curious. And, uh, you know, you, sometimes you'll see, people will insert things and I don't know, have you ever seen an albino koala? No. Oh my God. This Australian fat girl came in one day and she opened up and there was about nine muffin tops.

I had to roll them back with a curling iron. And have you ever, have you ever seen koala hands? Yeah, yeah. They came out first. Okay. Wow, actual koala, these guys. Oh yeah. There's an albino koala.

This thing came out claws first. Yeah, yeah. And then the face popped out. Wow. Holy God. I know what sound you made. Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah. Oh. Oh, what were you going?

Chee hee. Chee hee. Chee hee. Yeah. My bad. That's okay. Chee hee. Chee hee. Yeah. My bad. That's okay. Chee hee. But look at that. Imagine doing your craft,

do what you trained for seven years at DeVry to do. Yeah. And this comes out at you. That's insane. Out of a vagina. Out of a vagina or a crack. Yeah, yeah, a crack. Wow.

Yeah. Wow, that must have been charged a lot, huh? Huh? You charge a lot of money for that or? Oh, I didn't stick around. Oh! Oh, yes. You see that coming out, you go to the army's drive-thru

and put dorsi sauce in your eyes and try to burn your irises out as quick as possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Jaime, do you wanna ask any dating advice from Dr. Harlem Williams? Yeah, he knows a lot about dating. Yeah.

Hmm. Um... Who... How do you... How would you react to a girl telling you that you give off little dick energy? Before I answer... Okay. Is this... Are you saying this just as a open-ended question or is this like coming from a personal... Experience? Yes.

Yeah. I'm not mocking you, I'm just trying to get my perspective. So I was at a bar, I walked into a lady, we're talking like for five minutes, she stops to me, she's like, hey, I'm gonna stop you, you're giving me a little dick energy. Okay. But I wasn't talking about myself, I was talking like like, trying to get to know her. So, she tells me that. So wait, you said you were walking by and she stopped you. You were talking to her for five minutes, you said.

You were already talking to her. For five minutes. And at the end of the conversation, she- No, she stopped me mid-conversation. Mid, she just cut you off. What were you talking about? Oh man. I was trying to get to know her.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I was like, I wasn't trying to talk about myself. Oh, I thought you were talking about how small your dick is. Okay. How big it's so small. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I was like, I wasn't trying to talk about myself. Oh, I thought you were talking about how small your dick is. Okay. How big it is. Yeah.

And she said that just brazenly, right to you. Yeah. And did what, your feelings hurt? And what you say is, you say, you give off big pussy energy. Is that good? No, that's not good. Oh, that's not good.

Well, she was kind of overweight. Yeah, like a fat pussy. It would make fun of her. She ticked you, it's war. Whoa. Is that not right, Harlan? But this, you're, go ahead. What would you mean?

Dr. Sulu or whatever. What I'm saying is, is like, she started a war with you. That's rude. I'm a nice guy. I know, right? No, but once, you're a nice guy. But once she, it's war, it's war, and then anything goes. So instead of saying, you know what I mean,

what I just said as a comeback, I want you to come out and feel it in your heart. I want you to come out with a really good comeback here. So we're having a conversation. I want to stop you right there. You're giving little dick energy. You are an overweight pancake face on a hot summer day. Is that good? What do you think? Kind of a

compliment. See I think when you lower yourself to their energy then you become a negative person the way they are. It's the opposite of what you say. Yeah you could be right. So what I would say to you. Let's try something different. Be positive. So you want to do it? Well, I would, my advice would just be she did you a favor. She showed you her true colors within five minutes.

Yeah. And although it hurt, she saved you the long road of finding out that she was not a good person. So you got to back out of there and she's a cruel, empty, mean person. And she should never say, what'd she call you next? Like fucking zebra teeth or something? No.

Okay. Well that sounds like the douchey thing. Someone like that. Yeah. So you're saying go positive. I'm saying never lower yourself to the level of someone who's negative and cruel. And you seem like a nice, warm, friendly guy. She exposed herself.

You don't have, you don't need to waste your time with that, my bud. And you just move on and you find someone who loves and cherishes you. Like this little one right here. They barely know each other. Oh, you're not dating? No.

Oh, I thought they were together. Who the hell are they? They're just sidekicks of my show. Oh yeah yeah characters. Oh my name is Jaime Garcia. I'm a stand-up comedian. Okay. Yeah we actually have a crazy story. Oh go ahead. Do your intro first. We actually have a crazy story you and me. If you could just, you're giving me real little dick energy. Yeah, when I shirt on. Yeah, yeah. Ooh. Hello friendo.

Wow, check me. Introduce yourself, Jules. Yeah. I'm Jules. I'm from the Philippines. Wow. What street? It's on the street.

Um, um, Cordova. What number? Just Cordova. You're just standing there? Yeah. Like in the Exorcist poster you're just standing outside of people's houses in the mist? No. That's a very good reference. They probably don't get that. Well put the fucker up. Yeah yeah you gotta put the you gotta go fast. So she's a okay. Jules is a sidekick on Bad Friends. Okay. She's been on she's grew up with it grew up with our show. How old are you Jules? 22. Okay. The poster. Oh there's you standing in the street. Cordova. There's granny up in the window eating one of them, Camonga buns. It's always dark on that street. So.

Right. I know I'm there. Well, what a show. What a charming little bunch of sidekicks you have. Yeah. Do you like them? I do. Yeah.

They're both brown, cute, you know. Brown? Yeah. Not this one. I'm Mexican. You're not brown, dude. You're whiter than me. Like if the Pillsbury dough boy was El Mexicano, you'd be him. Yeah. Not this one. I'm Mexican. You're not brown, dude. You're whiter than me.

Like if the Pillsbury dough boy was El Mexicano, you'd be him. Yeah. Pretty brown. No, you're not. You're not. Dude. You're very pale. You're very white.

Yeah. Well, you're a bino, no? No, I'm darker than you, my bro. Put your arm next to mine. Oh my God. I'm like four shades darker than you. You're a guy. If you're Mexican, I'm from Kenya.

I actually have a crazy story. Go ahead, tell the story. We actually know, like we met before. You and me, Harden. We're at the... Is this for real? I, I don't know. It's his story. I was hanging out...

Why are you staring at me? I like you. But he's talking. I didn't go in. Look over and you're like practically drooling like Koo Joe over there. Go ahead. So I'm hanging out at the comedy store and you're driving off the driveway and I wave at you and you wave back.

So, it's pretty crazy that you waved back at me. Cool, man. That's called being friendly. Unlike that girl that was mean to you. Yeah, very upset about that story. You're 22. You're how old? I'm in my 20s. Go through life, be friendly.

Be friendly to everybody. Life is short,, be friendly. Be friendly to everybody. Life is short. Just be friendly. So many people have mean, cruel streaks inside them. That's my advice as a guy in his mid thirties and talking to 20 year olds. I have to say, I have to say to play real, to be real. I'm sure the John Kugelar, all that stuff is real.

Yeah, Cougar the Coug. What a fascinating story, but I do have to say that you are one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met. You've always been nice and kind. Thank you, buddy. You really have. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, I've known you for a very long time.

One of the funniest guys, and God, what a pleasure to know you. Yeah. Yeah, I've known you for a very long time one of the funniest guys and God what a pleasure to know you Guy guy Could I I mean could we take our friendship to the next level go ahead and add an oh I Love you I love you. Yeah, I love you. Friendo, friendo, friendo. Do you want to add the O? Yeah, I think we're ready. I think we're at that level.

I think we're at that level. Yeah, yeah. Can we just do an I love you friendo each other? Yeah, friendo. You go first. I go first? Yeah. I love you friendo.

Okay, that was Kermit the Frog. Yeah, why did you? I love you friendo. Okay that was Kermit the Frog. You're right. Try it again. My bad. One more. What happened? Well you went Kermit.

I know, why did I go Kermit all of a sudden? I don't know. Just regular voice? Do you want me to go first? Yeah, I go first. I'm just confused. Ready? Yeah.

I love you friendo. Ah. Just regular voice? Do you want me to go first? Yeah, I go first. Yeah, I'm just confused. Ready? Yeah. I love you, friendo. Please. I can do better. You do it then. Jaime? Can you say it and then? Ready? Okay.

I love you, friendo. I love you do it then. Hi, man. Can you say it and then ready? Okay. I love you Friendo, I love you friend. Oh Jules that's beaver some butthead I Love you friend. Oh, you got to make eye contact. Oh, yeah. I love you friend. Oh, I love you Friend, oh, I love you friend. Oh, I love you Friend, oh, I love you Friend, oh, I love you Fry clit

Oh, you switched it up Wow Curly fry tit What's with the tit? I don't know why I keep saying it your tick guy. Yeah, I'm a tit guy Yeah, I'm not a click guy. I've never been a click. No, I never I don't even why I keep saying it. You're a tit guy. Yeah, I'm a tit guy. Yeah, I'm not a click guy. I've never been a click guy. No. I don't even know where it is to be honest with you. Have you looked in the mailbox?

Oh yeah, I did order some from Malaysia. Wow. So are you on any dates that you wanna plug? How dare you. What do you mean? You know any dates that you want to plug? How dare you. What do you mean? This guy. Your podcast is going very well.

My podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Harland Highway? It's going very well. You're getting great guests on it. Do you want to know why it's going well? Why? Because a little buddy of mine. Yeah.

Found it in his heart. Yeah. When I was just getting started. Yep. In the first five or 10 episodes. Yep. To come up and be on my podcast. Yep.

And help spread the word. It helped me. I really do love you for that, friendo. Yeah. And I'll do it again, friendo. You won't. Yeah, I will. Here, here, okay. I'll, it again, friendo. You won't. Yeah, I will. Here, here, oh yeah, I'll tell you, okay, there we go.

Look at you. Okay, push pause. Don't even say anything. No, no, I am, no, I am. No, I'm tired, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm tired of this shit right now. I know what you're fucking trying to do. I'm fucking tired of it.

Whatever you're doing right now, I've had it up to here, dude. What I'm doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah I'm sorry I can't do this anymore I can't do the John Millen camp I can't do the Michael Jackson the Michael Weaver the hee hee any of that stuff all right yeah I can't do it anymore okay what I want to tell you right now is fuck you dude that's what I'm doing right now can you add a chi-hi on there? I'm not doing a Chi-hi. I'm not doing a Chi-hi.

I'm not doing a, listen. I played your game for an hour, dude. An hour and a half. Yeah, an hour and a half. And I'm not doing that anymore. So I'm gonna say this, okay? Yeah. I do it, I do everyone's podcast once a year.

Okay? And so when you asked me, I had already done it six months before. I wanted to wait, and then that's, I think already done it six months before. I wanted to wait. And then I think that's what the miscommunication was. All right? Well, go ahead, speak your mind, friendo. Speak your mind, fucking guy.

Go ahead. Get angry, dude. Full circle. No. Yeah. There's no anger, but you just have to come to terms with the reality of what you say and what you do Because everything you just said was very inaccurate. Okay, but I am most grateful that you did come that one time You've done it once I've done twice once now posted the same one twice because you wouldn't come up

It's the same episode. How many times have I done it one? This is again that he posted the same one twice because you wouldn't come up. It's the same episode twice. How many times have I done it? It's one. It says again that he posted the same one twice. Again. Again. So that's two, you shouldn't have posted it again. Well I had to because you did it so early

that it wasn't monetized yet. And we all want to monetize, so I was allowed to post it again and monetize it. But you've only done it once, and if you look at the date. What was the date? Two years ago. And it's time to do it. So let's go back to that.

It's literally time to do it again. It's time to do it again. I'm ready to do it again. What if you're not welcome anymore? Did you ever consider that? You know what? Did you lure out your welcome? Yeah, oh, I love this.

I love this. Ding! All right. If there was ever an opportunity, I'll do it or not, right? If there was ever an opportunity where you asked me to do it again, I will do it again, okay?

If that door's shut, let it be shut. There's no feeling, hard feelings, okay? Here's the- No, don't, relax dude. Chee. Here's the only condition I want you to do it, ready? You know, what do I say about conditions guys? Make something up.

They better be strong. No, that's not what I said. What do you say? There are no conditions. There are no conditions. You have an open invitation, but I only want you to do it if you truly want to do it. I really do want to do it.

If you really want to, you're always welcome, buddy. But I don't, you get asked by everybody. You're a busy guy, you're one of the top pockets, and you get inundated. So if you really want to do it, you can come do it whenever you want. And this is when I'm gonna do it. I already know when I'm gonna do it.

Talk to me, guy. Okay. Or our friendship is over. That ship sailed. Okay. See, I feel like you're putting yourself under pressure. I'm not, I'm not, no, I'm putting my, no, here, the reason, okay. Let me calm down. The reason why, the only way I can do anything is when I'm not, I'm not, no, I'm putting my, no, here, this, the real, okay, let me calm down, okay.

Get real, yeah. The reason why, the only way I can do anything is when I put myself in that position, okay? How do you mean? Like, if I feel like there's no consequences of not doing it, then I won't do it. Right. Right? So what I'm, I'm anchoring consequences to do it.

What's the consequence of, don't. Because I, to myself, I'm anchoring consequences to do it. What's the consequence of it? Because to myself, I'm going to go, it's going to, it's going to have, me and Harlan are going to have problems with our relationship if I don't do it. So I'm going to do it. And I'm going to tell you when I'm going to do it. Okay. I'm going to do it in December because I go to

Australia for a whole month. Right? Right. Am I not? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to Singapore and Australia to do shows.

When I get back in December, I'm going to do one podcast in December and that's yours. Wow. Christmas tinkle, man. We'll do a Christmas tinkle, dude. Here's what I'm going to do. All right, go ahead. I'm going to take that.

It's an honor, but because I'm not gonna hold you to it. I don't know what, okay, fine, fine, fine, fine. I'm not gonna hold you to it because if you somehow don't do it. Your face is like that, I don't like it. You've canceled so many times. I don't think I have, and that I's that's that that I have to fucking call out Great where I said I'm gonna be there at certain date. Yeah

Yeah Really? I'm gonna send you the text later. Let's just read them now I'd have to dig them all up. I don't want to bust your balls, but listen, I just said it. Okay, do it Okay. All right, December. I do I would love it. I've been you eating fan of yours. I've been waiting my whole December. I would love it. I've been waiting. Huge fan of yours. I've been waiting. My whole life. I told you when I met you, my first TV spot ever you hosted. That's right. Premium Blend, 1998.

Wow. But we don't wanna do any groveling or. I'm not doing groveling, I'm just telling you. Or mercy. When you hosted, you were such a big star, I was like, I can't believe that this guy's bringing me up on stage. My first TV appearance, you did so many,

you did how many, hundreds of those things. Yeah. You hosted a hundred, you know what I mean? I was the last one, it was me, Jordan Rubin, and Eddie Ift was on my show. Yeah. And we did it. Dean Edwards.

No, he wasn't on it. I just told you who was on mine. I know, but I threw in a fake one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dean Edwards, yeah. And ever since then, I was like, I can't believe it. So it's like, yeah, I'm going to do it. In December, okay?

And congratulations for the highway. You're always welcome. You've had some great guests. Great, amazing guests. Yeah, it's been so great. Every guest is great, but you're- It's been great. You're the guy that helped... It's not. Has Santino done it yet? Who? Andrew Santino. Who's that? My podcast partner. Yes, he's done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at all the people that... Ryan Stout, not Ryan Stout. I don't know who that is. Is that Kassim G?

No, I know who that is. T.J. Miller. T.J. Miller. Oh, you got fucking my boy right there. Eric Griffin. Ian. Ian Fydance. Jet Ski.

Jet Ski was on it. Any letter. Holly Shore. Holly Shore. Mark Normand. Yeah, great, great, great. Howie. Howie, amazing. Okay,and. Yeah. Great. Great, great, great. Howie. Howie.

Amazing. Okay. Good. That's good. Fits, fits. Anyway. What would we just quickly, so I can prep for December. What would we, uh. Can these two come?

No. Okay. Who the fuck's this guy? I know, I know, I know, I know. Check out William Morris over here. He's got a fucking booking agent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now here's why you can't come.

You are welcome to come individually. Whoa. I like real one-on-one stuff. He does. Because I really want to get into that brain of yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to get behind those pineapple peeling eyes of yours. I want to get behind those pineapple peeling eyes of yours. I want to get behind that lice riddled mustache.

I just want to get that fucking plum sauce and squirt it all over your fucking earlobe. So I like a one-on-one thing. So I'm not disrespecting your friends, your nutty little friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm not really set up for multiple people on my podcast. It's a very tiny little space.

Beautiful house, though. Well, it's not in a house that's done in a studio up in a building in Burbank. In your house. Well, maybe you're not coming in December now. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, buddy, one on one, December. But I was going to say what's... Sombreros.

What do you want to talk about? Sombreros, there's going to be sombreros. Well, what are we going to talk about? I just want to get prepped for December. Oh, shit. We do that now? I do. Yeah, yeah.

I work way ahead. I want to talk about developing nations. Developing nations? Yeah. I also want to talk about the Electoral College. Okay. Okay. I also want to talk about... Excuse me. Yeah. When are you guys available? Never. Never. Boss says no. Boss says no.

No, we'll figure it out, man. I don't do it that way. I'm not going to tell you two months before. I'm kidding, Guy. I know Guy. I'm going to be there. Guy, I love it. It's going to be fair and square.

This will be like a Christmas. Remember how I bumped into John Coug and Mellor Camp on Christmas Eve? And this year it's gonna be you. It's gonna be great. So tour dates, where do we got? Yeah, that's harlandwilliams.com. You can look at all my dates. Love Helium, great club.

Great, great. New York Comedy Club, great, great, great. Got a new movie coming out soon that I tried to get you in. Not a sore point, you were busy. No, no, no, no, no, you didn't. That's another thing, issue, I don't want to fucking talk about. I was gonna avoid that. You want to talk about it now? Because you fucking lie. You're a lying fucker. You want to see the text? No, no, no, that's fucking lies. Don't even fucking bring that up. That's fucking insane, dude.

You're a fucking lying fucker, dude. Don't even, don't, don't. I don't even want to go there. It's gonna, it's gonna, it's fucking lies. Don't even fucking bring that up. That's fucking insane, dude. What is he the text? You're a fucking lying fucker, dude. Don't even, don't, I don't even wanna go there. It's gonna turn this podcast into something else. All right, don't fuck around right now, dude. You're a lying fucker, dude. No, I'm not. You're a deceiver and liar.

See, you're putting up the lie wall. That's a part of what you're doing. I'll talk about that in December, dude. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll bring my lawyers. We could show the trailer of the movie. I'm not even gonna anything do it. This motherfucker anyway I don't even want to do it.

This guy you want to be in my movie and then he shoots the movie and he goes oh you should have been in it. Oh no. That's what this guy did. Oh no no. That's what this guy did. We shot the movie. Yeah we're not doing that. We're not doing this. Right, right. You lied to me. You deceived me. That's Hollywood. You didn't answer your tech. That's right. That's why I wasn't in the group. You said you were going to do it and you didn't do it. Okay, let me just... I'm going to tell you something. The reason why, right, so,

he wanted me on his podcast. I didn't return it because I didn't want to do it. I didn't return your tech. And then, I lost the group. What do you mean you didn't want to do it? Your podcast. Why? Because I didn't want to do it right then. Oh Why? Because I didn't want to do it right then. Oh, okay. I had a lot going on, right?

Yeah. But because I wasn't texting him back, he took me out of the movie. No. And that's a fact. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No.

That's a fact. And we're done with the podcast. Thank you so much for having Harlow. No. Watch Highway. I had to watch Highway. I had to watch I want to die.