TigerBelly - Harland Williams & Your Lips are Udamu
Episode Date: April 22, 2026Comedian Harland Williams returns. We chat armadillos as tanks, monkeys vs apes, colonoscopy talk, the mystery of the clitoris, the horny toad defense system, Bobby’s cameo in Harland’s m...ovie, and Wingman.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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What's that you're wearing?
That's that white lotus or something.
That's my hair oil.
Oh, you should get him some.
I haven't heard that term in a long time.
Really?
My hair oil?
No, that's my hair oil.
Oh, really?
Who'd you hear that from before in the past?
I don't know. I think I heard.
Your grandmother.
Your grandmother.
No, no, it was the shell station in Bakersfield.
Oh, I see.
Was she working behind the counter?
I don't know.
Yeah, you don't know anything, do you?
I don't know much.
I know.
Is it smell good to you?
What?
Does this smell good to you?
It smells good, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It's her product, does she created.
You created a product?
Yeah.
Setsifora.
Do you want one?
What'd she say?
Sesaforra.
Sessifora.
It's pronounced Sifora.
Oh, it is?
Yeah, it's already a big company.
Oh, right.
I didn't know that.
They sell makeup all over North America.
North America.
Yeah.
Whole world.
Your eyes.
Say it.
Your eyes.
Get the hair oil, air oil.
That's not the hair oil?
Don't leave my eyes hanging.
I'm seducing the camera.
You said your eye and then you just left it and I'm doing this.
Yeah, yeah.
I want you to keep doing it.
I am, but you just left.
Your eyes are blue as it the one.
Oh, bless you.
I wrecked it.
It fucking wrecked it, dude.
I'm seducing.
I'm seducing.
Are you being real right now, dude?
Yeah.
Are you being absolutely real right now, dude?
Can I get to bless you?
Bless you.
Bless you.
I did. I gave you one.
Yeah, bless you.
No, I'm seducing six cameras and I get like a SARS sneeze.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got a, there was more bird flu?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was a bird flu.
Yeah.
Could we do it again without the infection?
I really can't.
Well, what about what I want?
Not what you want.
I'll try it again.
Thanks, that's all I asked.
Yeah.
Your nose.
Eyes.
I want to go nose.
I don't do nose.
You don't do nose?
I don't do nose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your eyes are as deep as an open wound on a blue whale's fin.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
But give me one.
Your eyes are as puffy as a lemon meringue pie.
I'm not finished.
Why do you? Oh, it's all right.
Your eyes, or is puffy.
I'm changing it to a blueberry cobbler on my grandmother's window ledge.
And four chickadeys fly down and peck at the cinnamony crust on top.
Okay.
Let's go more.
Can you do one to me or?
Can I do one to you?
Okay, yeah.
My eyes, though?
No, not your eyes.
Oh, yeah, my lips, since you make.
fun of them a lot.
Yeah.
Okay.
Your lips are like a Seth.
Can I start over?
Can I start over?
Whoa.
Where was that, though?
Seth Green.
That's what I was going.
Start over.
That's a woman.
That's a lady.
You don't Seth Green a woman.
All right.
You don't South Green me.
All right.
Your lips are like a North Carolina.
Fuck.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
No, I'm not okay today.
What's going on?
Give me another one.
To her lip.
Yeah, I'm going to do.
Your lips look like a West Congo Lake.
Parfer fish.
Deep within, you mean a quagmire of different rocks that smashed his face in
and the moisture, what they call blood, form a puffy gel.
Right called Udamu.
Udamo
That was not as good as yours
I would have just said
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
I try to go along with you
I don't think I'm as good at that
I would have done
That's what I was talking about
Udammu was all you needed
You could have just gone
Your lips are Udamu
Oh I
You did all that other hyperbole
Yeah hyperbole
All that like herbal diarrhea
Isn't that what you did
I do what's called eloquent
Oh you do eloquent
Can you teach me eloquent
Sure. Yeah, teach me something.
Well, let's see some lettuce guy.
Lettuce?
I'm not giving you a freebie.
You need money.
Yeah, lettuce.
Toss daddy's from lettuce.
Yeah, you want some lettuce?
What do you got?
What do you got?
What do you got, play, hair?
Yeah, yeah.
Here you go.
How you doing?
You want some fucking lettuce?
Go, give me the lettuce.
Yeah, some lettuce for you, baby.
What's up?
A dollar.
Okay.
What do you want the, what word?
Nobody teach me how to do eloquence.
I am, but you got to give me the topic you want.
Oh, really?
You're paying for it.
His face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do his face.
Your face is like a jackal lantern
glowing in the night on Jeffrey Dahmer's front porch.
It's illuminated with candles,
and you end up eating your own face
because you're a cannibal, you freak.
And that was a bonus.
I did a bonus freak at the end.
What it is is that Unumu wasn't
What do you call it?
What do you call what?
When you go three?
What do you call you?
Onomatopoeia?
No?
Well, yeah.
Accentuate.
Is that the word accentuate?
Accentuate.
Not accentuate, accentuate.
But to me it was just a bonus.
Because you gave me a dollar.
You're a friend.
We are?
Yeah.
If you think I'm just going to do one
and not give a buddy a freebie a bonus at the end.
I added on, I could have just said freak.
Oh, so if I give you more money.
But I went, jee-he-he-h.
Oh, right, if I give you more money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's a bonus.
What else do I have here?
Oh, you want another one?
Yeah.
Here's a rare $2 bill.
Oh, wow.
Wow, you don't see these anymore.
Why do you have a rare $2 bill?
It's my lucky $2, but I'll never use it.
So it's been in your wallet for how long?
25 years.
Wow.
Wow, dude.
Wow.
What do I get for this?
Well, you give me another word.
Another.
Yeah, but this one has to be two minutes long.
Okay.
Do you think that's hard for me?
I don't think it's hard for you.
Can somebody have a timer?
Yep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I time this one, right?
And then I'm going to tell you're going to do George, our producer's face.
But they can't see him so they don't know.
All right.
But if you want to talk about my nose then.
Oh, you got a timer up there?
You talk about my nose?
Yeah.
My lips?
Yeah, about your whole face.
Yeah, do my whole face.
Okay.
Two minutes.
Two minutes.
A rare $2 bill.
Who's timing it?
We are right now.
Oh, so I don't get paid until after I do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell me when the timer starts.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Your face puffs in the night like a lighthouse at the edge of the world.
It radiates a soft yellow light across the top of the ocean.
flickering, dancing, square dancing, sniffing the night like an anteater blowing ants backwards
out of its nose. Your eyes drip down your face like runny fried eggs in the dumpster and Denny's.
And the massive pussie zit on your chin boils like a volcano crying in the night.
Your whiskers dangled down like elk pubis.
brushing the forest floor where the mushroom people live.
The elves and the ants fleeing, thinking that perhaps maybe this time the hair monster has come.
Your eyes and your hair, your cheeks puffed up like Chinese roasted potatoes.
Boiling in a pot deep in the heart of Korea town, even though the Chinese.
Your ears full of wax, finding their way in the middle of the night to the European Wax Center at 5-729 Melrose Boulevard,
and dripping, dripping through the blackness of night, onto an altar boy, crying, crying behind the Dairy Queen in the middle of winter,
where two homosexuals are playing in the snow,
and making snow anals.
Yes, your face puffs like a disease
dripping down the side of Helen Keller's hairy leg
and forming a puddle that inches its way closer to the sea
with a salmon spawn.
Yes.
And squirt.
You did it.
Time.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow, here you go, baby.
Wow.
My favorite was the European Wax Center.
Because I've been there.
I've gotten my bushwax there.
You did?
Once upon a time, yeah.
See, I went in there about three weeks ago.
You did.
I was driving by.
And I saw it.
It's at a strip mall.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And it's like, I haven't bought candles in ages.
And I go in.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you being real?
I'm being real.
I come out.
You thought it was a candle store.
I went in to get candles.
I was cooking blueberry, cran, cinnamon, raspberry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I came out an hour later with a Brazilian.
And I've been walking sideways like a horseshoe crab for a three weeks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's not what that is.
Well, now I know.
Yeah.
Now I know.
Why think a normal person would have been like,
oh, you don't sell candles here?
I'm going to leave.
Well, European Wax Center.
Like, guys don't know.
You're Canadian.
Yeah.
Okay.
But Europe.
Do you know.
what like a wax center is?
Yes, I do. You're a guy.
I know. Have you ever been, did you ever go
through what I went through? No, I never did.
Okay. What do you mean? Okay.
Well, I went through a trauma.
Oh, it's a trauma. Well, you seem to just be rolling it off.
I know, you paid for your own trauma?
I didn't know. I thought it was getting a candle.
Oh, I see. I thought it was getting...
Oh, so you probably went in there. Right. Can I buy a candle?
Right.
Which is code word for, can I get waxed?
They slapped me down.
They slapped me. You, you, you pay.
I paid.
I paid.
You went back inside a room.
Yeah.
Right?
It laid you down.
Pulled my pants off.
Yeah.
And you go, whoa, where are my candles?
Yeah, and they wax my vagina.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard your vagina is very nice.
It's smooth.
Yeah, yeah, it's very good.
I like to see it one day.
You would?
They're like armadillo toes?
No, I said it's...
Is that what you said?
You'd like to see it one day?
Do you see it?
They look like armadillo to us.
No, I said it's as smooth as an armadillos, and then you cut me on.
off. Oh, I created
toes. But if you'd like to see it, I can show you
now. I would not like to see it. I was kidding. I'd love to show it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But does it look beautiful?
Yeah, no, sit down, sit down. What are you doing?
You said you wanted to see? Yeah, I don't want to see your fucking vagina right now.
Why not?
Because I don't like armadillo toes.
You just said you want to do.
What the hell's wrong with you? Why won't you let me show it?
Don't be it. What are you doing, dude?
I'm trying to show. Don't put your dick out, dude.
Well, fix it.
You pick a dog.
Quit pretending you don't know how to do this.
Nice belt.
And we're good.
Sit down.
Okay.
Well,
I don't know why you asked me.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyways, how are you?
Good.
How are your pants?
That's what it looks like, okay, good.
Thank you for the reference.
Yeah.
It's like rough, though.
That's scaly.
The scaly.
Yeah.
Those things are like nature's tanks.
I used to drive an 18-wheeler, and I was down in Florida.
You were.
And one of these things ran across the road.
I hid it, and my 18-wheeler flipped up over-end,
and that little critter just kept going.
Don't call that a whore.
It ruined my rig.
Oh, you can call it a war.
If something ruins my 18-wheeler, my Mac, I'm going to call it a, you know what.
Yeah, yeah.
Did it survive?
Yeah, I told you, it ran off.
But my rig, and I was hauling
rebar, and that's heavy.
And this...
Oh, rebar, yeah, that's very heavy.
And then the whole rig...
Wow, I didn't know that armadilloes were that strong.
Over, boom.
Off he goes to eat mealworms and grubs and dragonfly larva.
It was almost as if Michael Bay was there filming it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or who?
Christopher Nolan.
Dark Knight.
Who's your...
your nutty friend.
I got him from a special place.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You don't know Christopher Nolan?
Dark Knight.
He flips the whole rig over.
He did?
Yeah.
No, it's doing a Michael Bay joke.
Oh.
Oh, because you know him, right?
Don't be like this.
I mean, Harlan knows a lot of people.
Are you having a fight?
No, we're not having a fight.
I know Michael Bay.
Don't you?
Yeah.
He goes to the store a lot.
I did a commercial for him once.
Did you really?
Yeah.
I did one too for him as well.
Which one?
Can we talk about?
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. Can you name the product at least?
It was Pepsi Pepsi Pepsi. Pepsi.
Oh. What was yours from squirt? I did a squirt commercial.
Wow. Yeah. No, but this guy right here, do you guys, have you met before him? Yeah. You're where?
Last time I was here. And you, you like them?
I don't know them well enough. I don't dislike them. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah. But, you guys,
But I don't know him.
Yeah, what is the feeling, though?
Is it positive or negative?
Positive.
It's a positive feeling.
Yeah, it seems like a friendly, nice guy.
Yeah.
I don't know him.
He didn't give you knuckles just now.
Oh, yeah.
I try to give you knuckles.
Well, I've seen him at the store too, so.
Yeah, now and then.
Yeah, now and that.
But I don't know him.
I don't know him.
But if you saw him at the comedy center, would you say hi?
Yeah, I've said hi to him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why?
I like to play a little game of
mystery with you. Yeah, you and our mystery people. I like to keep you on a hook. Yeah. I like to keep you on a
line and a hook. I like you to never know if you're on steady ground with me. Yeah, and you're not. I like
to play with your mind. Your mind and your toes. I like to kind of keep you like on your heels. Yeah.
I never want you to know where you sit with me or how we stand. Who you are. Or what I'm all about.
What's my journey. Yeah, yeah. Your mind is somewhere else. In another place.
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I hate stress too, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the worst.
Yeah.
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I'm thinking about you right now.
I'm thinking about you.
I'm looking somewhere else.
I was literally just thinking about you.
But I'm looking over this way.
Yeah, but I'm looking at this way.
But you know what?
It goes in the circle.
You know how like that new space rocket that you stand around the inertia?
Yeah.
That's what my mind was doing.
Inertia around the moon.
Yeah.
And I went right into his brain, right?
But his went into a black hole.
Artimus.
Yeah. And when I say black hole, I mean butthole.
Whoa.
Is it not black?
Player.
Wait, why?
How is that a bad thing to say?
I didn't say anything.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, go ahead.
I didn't say anything.
Okay.
I've never been up there.
Nobody has.
Yeah, but I'm sure it's nice.
Yeah, yeah.
It's flat earth.
You think it's flat earth theory?
Yeah, everybody is a flat butthole.
It's no round.
Oh, that's actually the most untrue.
true thing.
You think your butthole is flat?
Oh, it's got ridges.
When you're sitting down like this.
Harlan, you're an expert of buttholes, right?
Yeah. Right?
Yeah. In terms of the ridges, why, all the different
parts? Yeah. Right? So,
when you look at a butthole, right, those little
like ridges, they look
like wrinkles. Yeah. Why do they exist?
He's an expert. He went to college. That was your master's, no?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What university?
DeVry.
DeVro.
Yeah, DeVry, five years to study the butthole at DeVrae University,
which is a long time, I believe.
Yeah.
But you got your master's in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so the wrinkles on the butthole.
Well, they're actually not wrinkles.
Okay, what are they called?
The scientific name is aneuples.
Oh, they're anupils.
And how many anupils does an average human being have?
The average anews has 47.
47?
47.
Yeah.
Enupils.
Yeah.
Why do they exist?
Well, what they do is they help the inertia of the loaf.
Oh, the loaf.
Is that the scientific term for feces?
Yeah.
The loaf.
Yeah, yeah.
So what, wait, I'm sorry, because I'm, you know, I'm just a curious fellow.
I'm trying to give you the answer.
Why do they call it the loaf?
Because whenever I poo and I look at my poo, I don't go, oh, sourdough bread.
I mean, I don't, it doesn't look like a baked.
What does it look like to you?
To me, it looks like a brown submarine.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And if you saw a submarine in the ocean, and you put crust on it, it would look like a underwater loaf.
That is so true. You're the master.
Yeah.
Or they continue. So the nooples?
Yeah, the anupils.
The anupils.
A nuples.
And you called it the anus.
The anus.
Yeah.
It just seems weird hearing the word anews and then that.
that giggle.
Like, I'm going to do it again.
You'll have to force the giggle.
I don't want to force the giggle.
But just if you could fork, because I'm going to...
I've never heard a noose before.
Ready? A noose.
Oh, you don't have the giggle in you.
I don't have a giggle anymore.
So if you ever...
Oh, do it again.
A news.
Yeah, it's like if the Pilbary...
Pillsbury Doe Boy was addicted to ass.
Yeah.
I think that's what it would say.
Yeah, yeah.
Would you want me to do it in his voice?
Who's voice?
Pillsbury doughboy?
I would like to.
Ainuze.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it works.
I think we found something together.
But back to the anews.
And the aneuple.
No, don't Google it.
The aneuble.
Yeah, because that's rude to our professor here.
Yeah, please take it out, please.
Thank you.
So there's physics behind the anupils.
The anupils, yeah.
Right.
So have you ever seen, and you can bring this up if you want, the pads on a gecko's fingers?
Oh, yeah.
Look that up.
Pads of a gecko's fingers.
It helps them, well, they're little ridges, and they help them stick to the walls, believe it or not.
And so there they are.
Whoa, there are we are.
Is that, like, if I look at a normal human beings, an average human beings, aneuple.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because sometimes I'm sure it's smaller with Brad Williams.
No, no.
Picture the anupils as the lines on his fingers, but picture his palm as your anews.
So the anupils on the outer rim of your anews
As those are designed to help him scale the walls
The anupils are designed to help pull your loaf out
Wow
It gives them traction
So it has, it does have purpose
It has a function
They have a function
It's them
They're 47 of them
Well, we don't know
We don't know
Yeah, yeah
He's she whatever
There's 47 of them
Yeah, there's 40 of them.
And so have you ever been mid loaf and it's sort of, you get a log jam?
What is a log jam?
That's when it sort of just stops.
The loaf stops.
Oh, it's like the straight of her moves.
Right.
Yes, it's like the straight of her moves.
It just stops.
But then all of a sudden it starts moving again and that's the get pupils pulling it.
All right, that's because somebody announced that maybe the war is going to end in a couple trickle out.
No, no.
Okay.
You're politicizing your loaf.
Oh, yeah.
I am. Oh, I am.
Yeah.
I apologize.
You're really pulling politics into your A-News.
We don't want to go there.
I'm going to loaf out the politics.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's start up for it.
But if there's a log jam.
If you want to bring the gecko fingers up again,
the nooples serve a physical function.
They help those little ridges.
Yes.
They help extract the loaf.
Wow.
Yeah.
No, can, can.
I mean, you asked.
I don't want.
You went to college for it.
DeVry.
Let's say the name.
Let's say the name.
All right.
You went five years to study that specific part of the human body.
Yeah.
And why wouldn't I ask that question?
Is it a very curious question.
Am I not right, Calada?
I know.
So can I ask you another question?
Go ahead.
Sure.
Um, doctor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, yeah.
Yeah, so if you look at the human ethnicity,
will you agree that there are ethnicities on the earth?
Yes.
Yes.
Why'd you have to think about it?
No, I didn't.
I said yes, almost instantaneously.
Why did you try to deceive your audience and make them think I hesitate it?
Because in editing, we're going to leave a gap.
A five-second gap.
Anyway, I'm kidding, don't do that.
I wouldn't mind if you left a five-saint-a-five-step-day-up.
If there's one thing I know,
girls like a stupid guy.
And so if you can make me look stupid,
that's going to work for me,
even though I do have a degree from DeVry.
Yeah, that's right.
Go ahead.
So if you have a black person, a brown person.
Right.
So you have the anus.
Yeah.
A nuples.
Yeah.
Right.
And if you, the tube, it's,
Right?
No matter what race
color, the person is,
it's always pink.
Why is that?
Well, an easy question.
It is?
Does this seem like an easy question, Kalila?
For someone who studied
the news at DeVry, it's an easy question.
Why don't you say anything?
Well, no, like he's the professional
from DeVry.
I want to hear of it.
I know, but do you agree
with what he's saying it so far?
Yeah, everything.
Okay, good.
Why aren't you writing it down like Hyman?
I have been.
Okay, or you guys are joint writing it down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, so, answer the question.
Okay.
So, as you, what?
Is this going to be on the test?
There's no test.
There's no test.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
If you want to write and, you know, wreck your wrist and eventually have horrible arthritis, that's on you.
As Darwin told us, as the...
Who is Darwin?
Charles Darwin.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
As evolution tells us, yes.
We evolved from the Great Apes.
the...
Did we really?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
The gorilla, the chimpanzee.
Yeah, yeah.
What about the orangutan?
The orangutan.
Yeah, spider monkeys?
But also,
monkeys and apes are two different things.
Well, explain the two.
But apes are primates.
Yeah?
And they have a different DNA.
They have their chromosomes
are closer to ours than chimpanzees' chromosomes
are closer to us than any other mammal.
I can't wait for this connection.
I can't wait.
Wait, well, I can't wait for.
Look, you want a news
answers not.
No, but I cannot wait to see.
Okay, so yes.
So the lesser apes or the monkeys,
as you alluded to.
Yes, I didn't allude to.
If you're like me, when you were a boy,
your father took you to the zoo.
On the other side of the wall
were tribes of mandrills.
We're tribes of baboons.
Yes.
When you're a boy, you would see the male, the leader of the pack, stand up and display.
Poster.
All of us as children, even you, wagon wheel tits.
We all thought that those monkeys had bubble gum asses.
They were big pink asses with an A-Nuce right in the middle.
All of us as children.
Yes. Yes. I remember the aneuples.
All of us as children, we dove over the wall and bit one of those in the ass and started to chew.
Daddy had to come and rescue us. No, we didn't. Well, I did. I know you did, but nobody else did that.
But as... You ever jump over the one and chew on one of those?
But look at the massive, look at the real estate. Look at the size of the A-News.
That's what we call IKEA noose. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's like furniture.
It's IKEA noose.
So as we evolved from the great apes and the monkeys,
as we stood erect, well, they stayed on all floors.
Our anus receded into our anal passage.
Right, and the pink remained, but outside we stayed.
Whoa.
Well, if you want, I know, I love the answer.
I know.
Okay.
I think my viewers and our viewers would love to learn about this.
This is something new.
I've never knew them.
Oh, they're learning all right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they are learning.
But you know, you would think that, what?
So as we evolved, the anewse on humans sucked in.
We retained the pink that you see there.
I see.
But it went inward.
Yes, through evolution and went into it.
Whereas the great apes, they haven't evolved.
They haven't evolved.
They still walk around like double buffets.
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Huh?
Hello?
Well, you don't have to look in.
It's already on the outside.
No, I still have to look in.
If they evolved, it would suck in.
I still have to look in.
Yeah.
If I were to look into that, what would I see?
Well, yourself.
Question, professor.
Yes, yes, dude.
Padawan.
When you saw these as a young man,
yeah.
Young boy.
Yeah.
Did you ever, like,
because you bit his butt.
Yeah, I flew over.
I thought it was double bubble.
Or grapeo.
Have you ever had grape brew or rain blow?
And I was over the wall
and I was just chewing on that thing
and my old man had to come and get me.
Were you ever curious of like tickle,
tickle?
Well,
The closest I got to it, my dad took me.
It was called Halloween Monkey Night.
And I dove over the wall and put a candle in one.
Well, if you're going to laugh.
Wow.
You know, I have a degree.
I don't.
I have a degree, guy, and ain't used.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know.
You just got me in a thing.
Oh, God, it makes no sense.
Well, it doesn't make sense to the lay person,
but to a professor of A. News.
I don't think there was that house.
So what was it that he used to bring you to?
The monkey house, what?
Monkey night.
Halloween.
Oh, the famous Hollywood monkey nights.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't get the opportunity.
What neighbor did you grow up in?
I didn't grow up in Poway, California.
We didn't have those.
What'd you have on Halloween at the zoo?
Oh, it's at the zoo.
Yeah, monkey nights.
Yeah, I wouldn't go to those zoo on Halloween.
Oh, you should have.
Oh, yeah, I did not know that that was a ritual of the whites.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The whites?
What's that mean?
You're white.
Am I, though?
Yeah.
I feel like I'm light pink.
Oh.
Oh, here we go.
I don't like the colors.
I don't like the colors as well.
Like, black people to me are brown or bronze.
They're not black.
Yeah, I'm not that yellow.
Like, this is black.
Have you ever seen an African-American?
Who looks like that?
Like that black?
I don't think so.
Actually, I have.
Where?
What?
Yeah, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
Where?
Where?
I got to hear this story.
In space.
In space you saw a black guy that was this black.
I was an astronaut in 1978.
You didn't know that?
If you're an astronaut, I'm an anus doctor.
Yeah.
I have another question, Professor.
Yes.
My friend Bobby is getting a colonoscopy on Wednesday.
Wow.
Any tips you can give him?
Any tips you can give me.
Yeah.
I would say buy.
I would go to the nearest Barnes & Noble or a chapters.
I would buy.
What's a chapters?
It's a bookstore.
Okay, okay.
Any bookstore you want.
Okay.
I would go to the English language section.
I would.
Why? Why? I would buy...
I don't know Mandarin Chinese or Korean.
Well, let me. And I finish. The professor's talking garlic bread teeth.
Or whatever they call you. I don't know what they call you down at the spa.
Well, you didn't have to call me that.
Well, what do they call you at the spa?
Jimmy Smalleyes.
I'd call you garlic bread teeth.
Okay, go ahead.
So I would, if you're going in for a colonoscopy, get to the nearest bookstore ASAP.
Okay.
Find the English language section.
I think it's mostly English language. But anyway, let's move on.
Okay.
But they have specific, you know, they have science fiction, literature.
I understand.
The genres, the genres.
Right.
So go to the English language section.
If you're getting a colonoscopy.
Why wouldn't I go to the science section?
If you'll let the professor finish still again.
Okay, okay.
Go and get four or five grammar books, okay?
Rip the pages out and eat them raw or put them in hot water out of little salt, some bouillon,
some sliced on.
and make a nice grammar soup and drink it
and you'll have so many colones inside you,
it will...
All right.
You're going to laugh.
After the colonel.
Clever.
This guy is so fucking funny, this guy.
This guy's so fucking funny, this guy.
Holy shit.
You really tickle my bones.
You tickle my bones.
Well, you did ask, in fairness.
You did ask, Kalila.
You know, because...
Colin, semi-colon.
Well, semi-colon, if you're only getting half of it, done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, very good.
That's your advice.
Well, yeah, that's my scientific advice.
You asked, you did ask.
You know so much.
I know you wanted to do a comedy podcast,
but I didn't realize we...
This is more like a diary of the CEO or, you know what I mean?
Something that you would learn something.
That's okay. I don't mind.
I can flow.
I can drive.
I can shop.
I'm grateful.
I can...
I can do this too.
I can do this.
What am I doing here?
You're looking in my brain?
Yeah.
You know what?
You felt it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Around the moon.
Yeah.
Yep.
Around the moon.
We feel each other.
We feel each other.
A lot of times we don't have to talk.
We just feel each other.
Yeah.
So, doctor, that was your major, was the anus.
Enous.
What was your minor at DeVry?
Well, oh boy.
Do we want to?
go there? Yeah, I do. I do because I think it's
interesting. I think the fans would like to know
because it's a very important... Let me just say something
before you answer. It's a very important
topic. I think that
it is
something that every, not just American,
human beings should know,
memorize, maybe study themselves
because it's very, very important.
And your minor was what?
Clitoris. Yes.
The clitoris.
Yes. Memorize.
It's very important.
And there's the mysteries of the Gatorist.
Well, not to me.
I studied it.
I know.
I know.
But tea.
Tea.
I'm sorry.
But for me, it's like, you know, you know how when you go into the Mariana trenches?
You go real deep.
Oh, yeah.
And you see those illuminating fishes.
I'm sorry, before you go any further, because I know what you meant by what you just
said, they don't.
I know they don't.
If you could tell them what the Mariana trench is to set the table.
because they don't.
Your viewers.
Down.
The Dementoids watching from the shadows of the night.
Beaddy glistening koala eyes.
The Netherworld.
Is what you're saying?
And ball, the demon.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Good sound effect.
Thank you.
Are you Pablo Francisco?
Yeah.
Say that thing again, what you just said?
Okay, so could you tell them?
Because they don't know what the Marianna French is.
But here's the miracle.
Here's the miracle.
I don't know.
Okay.
Tell me to tell you.
Yes, tell me.
Yeah.
So the Mariana Trench
The Mariana Trench is the deepest place on earth
Where you can go and get spaghetti sauce on your meatballs
And the Marinera Trent
What
That's sounds accurate
If you're gonna ask shit and then just
That's not what I meant
I know that restaurant, it's really good
Okay
Yeah yeah yeah Maria's Trench is very good
Okay
Yeah yeah yeah but I was talking about the Mariana Trench
Yeah yeah the ocean's the deepest part of the ocean
Right
And there's like this illuminating
you know what I mean, the fish down there's squid
and there's fish that are luminous
and to me the clitoris scares
me in that way. It's a mystery. Yes, you
have one. Professor,
I have a question about the
the clitoris, clitoris.
They always do.
Why?
Hello.
Why don't men know
where it is?
Good question. That's a philosophical
question. Good question.
That's a question that Descartes would ask.
Who?
Descartes.
Is that French for shopping cart?
Yes.
Here's why.
Why can't they ever find it?
Are you a dog person?
I am.
Picture one of the most awkward breeds in the whole lineage of Dash Hoont.
Okay, yeah.
What would you say is one of the most awkward breeds of Daesh Hoon?
Yeah. Is that how you pronounce it, doctor?
Yeah, that's how...
Da schund.
Yeah, yeah.
Daschund.
Daschund.
That's the German subsequent of the refraction of the militwint.
Now, what would you say is one of the most awkward breeds?
And I'm trying to, you know, draw a parallel here.
So the lay person could understand?
I'm with you.
Awkward-looking dog that I've ever seen, but I think they're really cute.
Are the Mexican hairless dogs?
Can you bring that up?
Gilbert?
Interesting.
The exact opposite of what you were trying to do.
Because hairless represents complete visual freedom.
You can see everything with a hairless.
So with that breed, it almost is a clit.
I see.
I see.
It's almost a frisbee catching clip.
What we'd like to do is find the hairiest dog.
Well, you're sort of in it.
But with this one, that's a paw shaking clit right there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's go to the Dachund.
You want to go Dachund?
Where would you let you go?
It's not harriest.
I'm talking about one of the most awkward.
Think about the anatomy of, as the French say, le clout.
Yeah, yeah, le clout.
Okay, that's...
Are we working here or what?
That's interesting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not what I'm looking for.
What would you call that?
clit.
Oh,
oh, this one?
Yeah.
Uh, yeah, this is probably,
yeah, that's like hippie clit for sure.
That's hippie clit for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can we find something in our generation or in the 2000s, please?
Such as Beethoven.
Oh, here we go.
Oh.
Yeah, that's, we're going farther back.
You're a little closer.
Yeah, this is Genghis.
It's, it's Genghis Khan Clit.
It starts with S.H.
I mean, if you want to play this.
Yeah, let's go.
Let's go.
Let's forget the dog references.
I think we're losing.
No, I can tell you.
The Sharpay. Can we bring up the Sharpay?
Let's go to the Charpe.
I love a Sharpay, but, okay, never mind.
Please don't question the doctor.
Take a look at the Sharpay.
And, oh, that's a Sharpie.
Okay, is that the Sharpay?
Yeah.
Yes, if we could see a full body shot.
Full body shot, please.
A full body shot of a Sharpay.
Yeah, yeah.
I've got to fire my...
Sorry, is that a Sharpay?
Yeah, that's not the best specimen.
But if you look at the...
Get me a better specimen.
Extreme sharp pace.
Give me an extreme sharpet.
They're crawling with flaps.
There we go.
Oh, there we go.
Here we go.
Now, try and find a clit on that hor, on that puppy.
On that whore?
On that whore.
And this is the mystery.
This is the mystery of the vulva.
I get it.
I get it now.
There are so many, that's like a can of pringles that's filled out in the back of a John Deer truck.
Yeah, I fully understand now.
Yeah, I fully understand now.
Look.
There he goes.
Yes.
And that's the easiest way I can put it.
I mean, just try.
It's like an endless ocean of flaps.
A flaps and ridges.
And where do we go?
Where do we look?
Where do we look?
Yeah, yeah, where do we look?
Good luck.
Yeah, good luck.
I don't even know if I'm looking at his asshole now or his face.
Exactly.
Wow.
Yeah.
So I hope that clears that up.
This is what men see.
Yeah.
It's what men see.
But specifically,
you know, what is the
role of the clitoris?
Shopify.
Shopify.
Shopify.
Shopify.
You know, we have an online business.
We use Shopify.
Do you know why?
Starting something is hard.
Yeah.
Is it not?
Totally.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, you know, I try to make my own sock once.
And you try to sell it.
I try to sell my own sock.
Oh, so you're very difficult, right?
Yeah.
Right?
And it's like starting your own business, right, is hard.
Is it not?
It is.
And when I was doing the sock,
Rob was like,
I wish someone could help me.
There was nothing like it.
No one could help me, right?
So I finished.
And now it's just a toe.
You finished in the sock?
No, just a toe sock, right?
But my point is, is that if you're starting an online business,
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Skims.
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Tiger Belly.
To brands just getting started as well.
Like your sock business.
What was it called?
Sox.
Sok it to me.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a real one.
Oh, really?
Yeah, sock it's a...
My one just called a sock.
But you started with your own designs to you.
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of the clitoris?
The role of the clitoris,
it's sort of the miniaturized man penis.
It's there to create stimuli.
It's there to create sexual arousal.
It's there for the woman
to have a pleasure center during coitus.
Oh, is that a season or a ritual?
It's a season.
It's a season.
It's that two-week window
when springs just turning into winter.
Yes, I've heard of it.
Yeah.
I wear a funny hat that two weeks, right?
do the dance.
It's almost fall, but it's not quite...
We've been to the festival.
Yeah, the Coitus Festival.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's one of 40 miles of Alahambra.
There's a beautiful Coitus Festival.
By the way...
We wear the dresses.
We wear the...
The white hats.
Yeah.
And we do the dance?
The Coitus...
Let's do the Coitus.
Let's do the Coitus dance.
Here we go.
I don't know if you remember, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, but that was it.
That's pretty much it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if you go to the Coitus Festival, it's beautiful.
Well, also, I mentioned earlier.
I don't know why you and I are the only one people there.
But, you know.
Who cares?
Yeah, yeah, who cares?
We do things our way.
But I might add that I mentioned earlier I walked sideways like a horseshoe crab
after the European Wax Center earlier.
Yes.
The Coitus Festival, I walked in a zigzag for four weeks.
Because that's intense.
Sorry, what was your question?
No, that was a question.
My question was,
my question was, I think you answered it perfectly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The pleasure center.
It's a pleasure center for women.
Yeah, go pee.
I'm going to find the clitoris center.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Okay, wrong timing.
He literally had to write to me, I got a pee.
And I wrote back, go pee.
That's code for loaf.
You know that.
I know that.
Yeah.
Like, anyone could hold a pee.
Oh.
Like, you could be a,
comfortable in hold the pee, but when you're holding a loaf, no, he's...
Also, and people don't know this, so he has a major in the anal, anus.
Enous.
Yeah, I mean, he has a minor in clitoris.
Yeah.
Right?
But he also, before, you wanted to be a zoologist, because you talk about animals all the time.
Ecthology, the study of fish.
Yeah, yeah.
Zoologist, marine biologist.
Yeah, yeah.
He loves Kareem biology.
Yeah, anything?
And it involves Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
And he's involved as well.
That's what they call it, Kareem, you know.
But anyway, I'm happy.
Happy to answer questions.
I'm happy to be here.
Yeah, yeah.
So he was a zoologist, and if people don't know this,
but Dr. Williams, may I call you that?
Professor.
Professor Williams, yeah.
Has discovered six species.
Oh.
Yeah, two in the ocean, two on land,
one in the air, and one in the air.
and one in the unknown.
Would you like to talk about all of them
or the only specific one?
If you want to pick,
you pick the category,
I'm open to talking to all or one or three,
whatever you want.
Yeah, yeah, well,
what is the rarest sea animal
that you discovered
that was in the ocean
and what part of the ocean
and the description of this animal, please.
Okay, so there's a subspecies
of the anglerfish.
Are you familiar with the angler fish?
You're familiar with it?
We just said we loved it.
But I have a feeling you're Pee-Ping me
patronizing the professor.
Pull up an anglerfish, please?
Wait, wait, don't pull it up.
Don't pull it up.
Why don't you tell us what it looks like.
Oh, and tell, Bobby.
Larry, Larry Lullaby eyes.
And Bobby, tell us.
Yeah.
And Anglerfish has antennas that go big.
Okay, and tell us what happens
with a male and the female.
What?
There's something very specific that happens.
Wait, those angle, those things, right?
Okay.
Are their eyeballs?
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Doctor?
It's not their eyeballs.
It's their anus?
It's their light bulb.
It's their light bulb.
But do they not have a thing?
One thing.
One.
Coming out, right?
And it's got a light at the end of it, right?
But I don't know how they fuck.
The angler fish we're familiar with, but you discovered a...
Different species.
Yes, this is called...
And it blends into my other research.
It's the annual fish.
And what it does, it...
The angler fish has a precipice that comes out.
Yes.
And it uses it as a fishing lure.
It angles.
It's tricky.
Well, it tricks fish.
And they're really deep.
They're deep.
They're really deep down in that thing.
But why is it different than the angler?
Because this one, instead of coming out of its forehead, it has a extension coming out of its a nyos.
I see.
Yeah.
And another bulb.
Yeah, it has a lure.
And instead of eating fish on the front end, this one lures fish in and it shits in their
faces.
Why?
I don't know.
That's mother,
what am I mother nature?
I know, but you're the one that.
I just study it.
I know,
but that's all you gathered from all your,
well,
some animals are just,
they're about vengeance,
like the hyena and the African
lion.
Yes.
They have a very antagonistic
relationship where the lion
who is an apex predator
will kill a hyena
but not eat it.
He will just kill it because it's competition.
It's competition.
So the an angular fish, it's in a very, very limited space where there's very limited food way down in the depth.
But there's a lot of, no one's around, though.
There's other fish, but it doesn't need the competition.
So it lowers the man, shits in their faces, off they go.
But my argument would be, my argument would be, if you go that deep into the ocean, literally fish will,
but you probably go through a day
without even seeing another fish.
Right.
There's a lot of space.
Right.
Why would it shit in his own face?
Or shit in somebody else's face.
Because it doesn't want the competition.
There's not a lot of competition down there.
But anything's competition down there.
Oh.
Yeah.
I see.
Let's talk about the air animal that you discovered.
Oh, the air animal.
What's it called again?
Well, it's a subspecy of the osprey.
What is an offspring?
I love Osprey.
Tell me what an offspring is.
Well, they're very, very...
Describe them.
They're seabirds.
They're raptors, they're flying predators
with very elongated talons.
Yes.
And they're diving prey birds.
They dive into,
they smash themselves into the water
and pull up fish.
Yes.
And there's a subspecies...
Kind of like a shoe bill, right?
Pardon you?
Like a shoe bill?
A shoe bill.
No, that's a completely different
A shoe bill is more of a beach
land wandering bird
With a shoe
It looks like a horse
You don't have to answer
Boom, it's a question right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
There's your awe spray. Boom
Boom, yeah, yeah
So this is a very specialized way of hunting
That most birds can't do this
It's incredible
And their success rate is great
and they sort of have the market on fish.
Yeah, so pushpals.
And so what happened is there's a subspecies
called the bugle crow.
Yes.
And basically these crows have adapted and evolved.
They go to 7-Eleven dumpsters.
Oh.
They pull out bugles, put them on their feet,
and now they've got the talons of a osprey,
and wham!
They're going in and this is...
Boy, oh boy.
It's like you're mocking me.
And you worry...
It makes perfect.
Well, they just want to eat, Guy.
I know, guy, but...
Guy.
They go to the dumpster and they...
Every finger.
Yeah, on every claw.
They put a bugle.
Yeah.
And now they got bigger talons than a uspre.
They're not missing.
What's a bugle?
The one with the...
Pull up bugle for God's sake.
Like nails up with the triangular point.
Pointed...
The chips.
The chips.
Pull up the bugle.
Not the bag, the actual thing.
Show the bugle.
I mean the bugles on the airport before.
Yeah.
Show the bugle.
Oh, that's what you?
Show the bugle.
My argument.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Show the bugle.
All right.
But here's my argument against that.
Show the bugle.
Okay.
Yeah.
My argument against that, I'm sorry for being...
No worries.
Yeah, yeah.
Is that wouldn't the bugle just snap when it, you know,
it goes into the wall?
First of the...
First of all, does it go into the water?
I don't.
And you thought I was lying.
I got you, professor.
Does it go into the water?
Yes.
Doesn't the bugle get wet?
And it just becomes like,
I mean, too moist for the talons to go into the skin of the fish?
Have you ever punched a fish?
No, I've never had.
Okay, they're not brick.
They're meat.
They're soft.
I understand that.
You go in at 70 miles an hour with 10 bugles.
You're going through a two-in-law and golly part and goes through a lemon meringue pie on a Friday night, and she's already got diarrhea.
Is this flavor account?
What do you mean?
The bugle flavors.
You could have ranch, you could have sour cream and onion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's how you like your fish seasoned.
Oh, I see.
They pre-season it with the claws.
Well, yeah, if you've got a sour cream and a little bugle.
Wow, that's so brilliant.
And you penetrate that soft flesh of a fish.
It's like eating sour cream.
It's going to permeate throughout the fish.
You're going to have a nice onion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or barbecue flavor.
Salmon or whatever.
Black and catfish.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that's really brilliant.
I did not know of that.
Well, this is Mother Nature.
How did you discover it?
You were at a 7-Eleven?
No, I studied.
Oh, you studied.
I'm not a bit of drive, for God's sake.
Yeah.
Next to the 7-Eleven.
Yeah, yeah.
This last animal I would like to talk about is...
Yeah.
We did air and we did water.
Should we do land and other?
Land, sure.
By other, I really, I love that.
I've been reading that book that you write.
The land.
Let's talk about the land animal.
What?
It was an hour.
I know, but people wanted to learn.
People love to learn.
Dude, this is like a diary of CEO.
They want to learn about things.
Right, Klaela?
Yeah, no, I'm locked in.
Yeah, yeah.
You are?
Dude, I've learned so much.
I didn't lose you a clit.
No, right?
What do we learn today so far?
Anus.
Oh, I can give you a whole...
You can test me.
You can test me on anything
and I remembered every single detail.
Yeah, the black crow.
The double angler.
It's called a bugle crow.
Yeah, but you go, the angle, the double angles.
There he is right there.
In the water.
They don't fucking disintegrate.
Wow.
Yeah.
You have the photo to prove it.
Thank you so much.
And that's a testament to the food we eat today and put in our body.
Because it's full of chemicals.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a testament to how...
Yeah.
Not a good thing.
Well, not to you.
Yeah.
But for the Black Crow, brilliant.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Interesting.
And so we've learned a lot.
So what do we learn today with the Enous, the Kletori?
Uh-huh.
What else would we learn?
Do we do the Anu angler fish in the Marianas trend?
Yes.
Right?
Yes.
Which is also a restaurant.
Yeah.
It is?
Yeah, but the spaghetti.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, yeah.
The sauce.
Oh, oh, oh.
I thought you meant like in real life.
Sorry.
Yeah, in real life.
I thought that the restaurant was a marinera trench, not the marianist trench.
That's right.
Well, sometimes I pronounce, like, you know, I say panona bread.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So anyway.
By the way, Panera bread, have you ever gotten their soup bowls that are made out of bread?
Oh, yes.
I went about a week ago.
I got one of these soup bowls with the cream of chicken wild rice.
Was it wild, though?
It was wild.
Okay, good.
And they don't put it in a ceramic bowl.
They put it in bread.
And it's somewhere between a bowling ball and a softball.
It's like right in the middle.
And I'm driving down a Ventura Boulevard the other day.
I got one hand on the, you know, that, the Dodge Neon steering wheel.
And I got a bread bowl in the other hand.
And I see a kid walking his dog.
And this kid had braces and zits.
And I know that bothers you.
It bothers me.
I just, I wanted to eat this soup,
and I just threw it out the window.
Hit the kid in the head.
Yeah.
And kind of the perfect size with the soup,
it lubed it, and he had a bread helmet on.
And there's no visor in it,
and he walked right into a wall and got killed.
Oh.
And all that for $4.97.
Wow.
So you don't need to buy a gun these days.
Just go get a Panera, a bread bowl.
Have fun with soup.
Yeah, have fun for soup.
Can we go to Land Animal?
Yeah.
So you were in, what country were you in?
Cambodia.
Yeah.
Were you not?
I've been to Cambodia twice.
No, but this land animal that you discovered, was it Cambodia of Vietnam?
Was it?
It was Cambodia.
On the border, I think, right?
It was on the border.
Yes.
And it was on the border of Vietnam and Cambodia.
Yes.
Which is a tough area.
Have you ever been down there?
Oh, that's where I party.
Talk to me.
Yeah.
There's a rave there once a year.
It's kind of like the, there's a canoe event.
What's it called?
What?
Canura event.
Canura?
Yeah, Asia.
What's the thing called?
What is it?
I don't know.
The Coitus Festival.
The Coitus Festival.
Yeah, yeah.
Let me get that again.
The Canora is?
Is it a Coitus Festival?
Oh, yeah.
There's a Coitus Festival there.
Oh, why haven't we gone?
Well, I didn't, because you always want me to buy your ticket.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there's a Coitus Festival there.
And, yeah, so I've been on the border there.
Okay.
They love, love it.
They love, love.
Two weeks in the jungles of Vietnam, Cambodia, to the Quitus Festival.
Love.
And, you know, we can.
Yeah, do the.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah.
What's up?
Oh, she'd ask me a question.
What was the question?
I didn't ask a question.
What was the question?
I literally didn't ask a question.
What was my question, Hyattman?
The question you just asked me.
Did he just, did I mean?
That's hyma scribble.
Hey, my notes.
Okay.
Hey, I'm not cheating.
All right.
Okay.
I'm sorry, doctor.
No.
It's a brain teaser.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a what?
It's a brain teaser.
Oh, I see.
So, I'm sorry, Professor.
No worry.
You weren't at the festival, but you were in, why were you in the Vietnam, Cambodia border?
We were searching.
Who's we?
Well, me and my friends.
Okay.
Up here.
Okay.
We were searching.
for a subspecies of the American horny toad.
Have you heard of these lizards?
I've heard of the horned.
Yeah, not familiar though.
Yeah.
The horny toad.
And that's the Codas Festival that we go to.
Yeah.
There it is.
There it is.
Oh, the memory.
Oh, the memories at that festival.
Wow.
We had a fucking good time.
Oh, there's a 2020.
Has it happened yet?
Has it?
Has it happened yet?
2026.
It already happened.
We missed it.
We missed it.
We missed it this year.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
But you know what?
Next week, Coituscella is happening.
Oh, really?
Who's playing?
A couple of...
Let's go to the other animal.
Yeah.
The subspecies...
We're still going with the...
Of the horny toe.
Oh, we're still going to go there.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was that?
does sound the horny toad makes
Lucera?
Oh
Briv it
Yeah
It
Maybe
Right
Yeah
Is it?
Yeah
I've never seen it
Yeah
Well, I just did it
Nice job guy
Thank you
So having him
Having him spend the net a couple of nights
You've taught him some things
Maybe
Maybe
But the horny toad, I don't know if you know this about the horny toad.
You probably know this, Kalila.
I only know about the horn toad because I picked one up where I've met a couple on my hikes in the desert.
And did you know what their defense mechanism is?
We call them the period lizards.
Okay.
They shoot blood out of their eyes.
As a defense mechanism, they literally shoot blood.
directly streams of blood.
That doesn't seem right.
It doesn't.
I've never heard of it.
The period lizard.
Honestly, go Google that to see if that is true.
About the horn toad?
About the hornetode or the period lizard.
The horny toad.
The horny toad's defense mechanism, it shoots blood out of their eyes.
I've never heard of that before.
Yeah.
Can you really Google it?
Don't chat you mean, don't make it up.
The way a skunk shoots ass off out of its ass out of its ass.
Yeah.
You're absolutely correct.
You're absolutely correct.
Yeah.
It shoots blood.
Yeah.
And what kind of blood is it?
Well, we call them, adoringly, we call them the period lizard.
Yeah, but how do you know it's that blood?
Well, they can only defend themselves once a month.
I see.
That's why you call it.
Yeah.
So that's what a horny toe does.
Yeah.
And you discovered in the borders of Vietnam and Cambodia what...
We discovered a subspecies called the Tampex lizard.
and we brought the two together, and they're almost inseparable.
Once a month they get together and they do a mating dance,
and the horny toad squirts blood onto the Tampex lizard,
and it's one of these symbiotic nature relationships.
It's like how the remora fish sticks to the side of a shark.
I like Ramora.
Rora fish will stick to it, or the cleaner fish that go into the mouth of the barracuda.
the horny toad will squirt his blood
squirt his blood on the tampon lizard
and it's like you think about God
and how he think about God all the symbiotic
relationships between nature and all its creatures
and so this is something me and my team were able to bring together
you did ask. That's so interesting.
Yeah.
Like certain birds will land on a mammal to pick off
like little insects and stuff like then.
They have a symbiotic relationship.
Yes, that's called.
called the oxpecker.
Yeah, the oxpecker, yes.
It will land on a wildebeest, or it will land on a Cape Buffalo or a giraffe, and it will pick
blood-filled ticks off the mammal, said mammal, and in essence, AIDS with their health.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, there we go.
Yeah, an oxpeck, yeah, pecker, yeah.
Is there a shot of the Tampex lizard, though?
It is a new species.
It is a new...
Well, you discovered it...
It might not be there yet.
So, I mean, I don't know.
It might not be there yet.
It might not be...
But let's start.
Let's talk to start out.
We haven't released the...
The last thing that we needed to talk about is that this is the most important one about you mean, you said you discovered a species.
Yeah.
Not land, not air, not water, right?
And you said other.
This is tough.
Yeah, this is a tough one.
So it could be inter in a dimensional.
It also can be a space thing.
But how did you even discover it?
Okay, this is a toughie, but...
Where were you?
Out in outer space?
No, I didn't say it was outer space.
It does lean into what you're saying,
but let's use the word mythical.
Okay?
Okay, well, that would still imply...
There's a lot of ambiguity around it.
I understand that.
That would still apply that he was in land, water, or air.
Even when you say mythical...
Mythical means...
Because in Lord of the Rings...
Yes, but in...
We live in the real world, the Loch Ness monster is mythical.
The chupacabra is, there it is.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, there it is.
I didn't realize, okay, that's been leaked.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, you took that photo.
I remember you taking that photo.
I was a little mad.
Yeah, you texted me that photo.
I wasn't, I haven't released my papers on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, wow.
But anyway, the proof is in the period.
Yeah, yeah.
That's funny.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so, boy, that picture, he's really cramped in there, isn't he?
Yeah, it's very good.
Yeah, it's a bloody good picture.
He's really cramped in there.
That's all I'm going to say about a period.
I also, if you could, because I know that Professor Williams, I know Professor Williams, right, took a photo of when, when, when,
the two lizards met and the spraying effect.
Oh boy. Oh boy. You're making my mouth water.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a day that was.
We'll give you a second on that one.
Oh, Google it. Oh, people.
You'll do that with your research team while we talk about the other mythical.
Okay, so here we go.
Okay, so this is a toughie to talk about.
Maybe some people don't believe it.
I still don't believe it.
But our research, it was in a mountainous area of, believe it or not.
Not too far from here.
Where?
Glendale, California.
Wow.
Really.
Literally 10 minutes from here.
Stay with me.
Literally 10 minutes from here.
10, 20 minutes from here.
If there's traffic.
Incredible.
20 minutes.
And this is the beauty of mythical creatures.
You don't know when, how, or where they're going to show up if they even exist.
Okay.
And the nearest parallel I can give to this is Yeti, Bigfoot, South.
Sosquioch.
We've all heard of them.
I have you heard of Sousquioach?
Yeti.
The Bonnable Snowman, Bigfoot.
Oh, yes, I have.
South Squillach.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've heard of them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you heard of Salswiczwet?
What about you?
Gumbble bump, fimbledy dump, flumber dump, the dimble dump.
Have you heard of Sizwak?
No, I've heard of Svukuk.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, you're in the wheelhouse.
You're in the wheelhouse.
Very good.
So this was almost one of these fluke discoveries.
I was actually driving through.
Oh, there it is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the photo.
It snuck up right behind it.
Wow.
Interesting.
Wow.
Are we doing?
Are you mad?
I'm sort of pressing.
That's my research.
That's because of me that that research exists.
Oh my God.
It's so funny.
It's.
bloody good.
Can you have these as pets?
You're a really good research team.
What's that? Can you have these as pets?
You can, I can.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. I love it.
Apex.
Well, now, that's a frog on frog crime.
So here we go.
Glendale.
Yeah, Glendale.
and wherever there's mountains
and let's be honest
you look out the window. We've been honest
this whole time. I know but I'm just
think because a lot of your viewers
Kalala have never been to Glendale
they don't realize the vast
amount of mountain range that's
behind that city. There's a lot
of mountains there. It's huge. Burbank
it's the Sierra Nevada's as far as I
can you check? Is it the Sierra? It isn't?
No. What is the mountain range
there? It's not
It's Angela's crest.
Can we check on that?
The mountain range behind up in Glendale
running north towards
Cher's house?
Cher does live there, huh?
The Verdugo Mountains?
No, Verdugo Mountains.
Not the Sierra Nevada?
That's further up.
Okay.
Well, you're not a topographer.
Why would you know?
Well, I'm wearing a talk right now.
Doctor, your video footage released.
Oh.
Wow.
There it is.
Wow.
Yeah.
There.
There.
Yeah.
Sorry.
And again, you'll only see this once a month, so this is rare.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is crazy.
This is crazy.
And you should, this is why they live in Kevin, because it's arid.
You get one of those Tampex lizards in the rain, and it just swells off.
It's unbelievable.
They can hardly.
moved. Didn't you take a video
of the black crow with the pugles?
No. Didn't you do that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, find that.
It's really easy to find that video.
So, anyway, yes.
So the other, we're talking. The other,
the mystical one. There's a mountain
range. We don't know what it is.
Mountain range. So I'm always
on the search to debunk these
mythical Christians. Who doesn't want to know
the answer to Bigfoot, Yeti,
Sousquia. I never wanted to know.
You didn't? No. Okay. Did you want to know that?
the show. Let's wrap up the show he doesn't want. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah. Why don't you want to know
about Bigfoot? I'll be honest, Professor. I don't really, I've never really believed in that
specific mythology. Okay. I believe the Chupacabra. Okay. Yeah, I believe in the Loch Nogneous
monster. Okay. I believe in, uh, you know, there's that weird, um, Filipino myth of that man in
the tree smoking a cigar. Oh, yeah, that's the Agta. What? Agta.
Akta? No, there's also another word. Isn't there, isn't there a man? Isn't there a
in a tree smoking a cigarette.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We call those homeless in my name.
Do you believe that children
are the future?
And I believe they're in the past as well.
Okay. Okay.
So here I am
in the hills, the mountains of Glendale.
Yeah.
And I'm looking to debunk the myth
of the legendary South Squioch.
I'm walking along.
It's sunset.
Yeah.
I haven't succeeded.
I'm driving home through the windy forest road.
Yeah.
I see silhouetted in the setting sun.
Yeah.
A tall, probably the hairiest humanoid shape I've ever seen.
How tall?
I can't tell because of the sun, the refraction of the light.
Yeah.
My eyes don't party on Fun Fun Street.
But if you were to guess.
I'd say six and a half feet.
maybe 12.
Oh, so let's go nine.
It was big.
Nine feet.
Big.
Humanoid shape.
Yeah, yeah.
I got so excited.
Yeah.
I lost control of the Dodge Neon.
Yeah, yeah.
And it was also, I had, can I ask you something?
I had Kentucky fried chicken on the passenger seat.
It could have been the grease.
But I was excited.
Okay, so what happened next?
So I'm swerving all over.
Yeah.
I hit it.
Whoa.
Okay?
Yeah.
Could be a mythical, could be the answer, the missing link.
Yeah.
Suddenly we find out about Sousquayat.
I jump out of the Dodge Neon.
Yes.
I rush to the side of the road.
Yeah.
I'm cradling this hairy, hairy thing.
It's almost like Shirley Temple, Kenny G. and Cher having an orgy in my arms.
And I'm cradling this thing, and it's eyes are shot.
And I'm like...
Was eyes are shot?
Shot.
By what?
I think I killed it.
Wait, wait, wait.
And I'm like, you hit it with a car and then shut it with the eyes?
And then you shot it with the eyes with your gun.
No, it's laying on the ground.
I hit it.
It landed on the road.
Yeah, but you said his eyes were shot.
Shot.
Closed.
Oh, shut.
Oh, I thought you took it.
As in shut up and let me tell the story.
All right, all right.
They were shut.
So they were shot.
And I'm laying there cradling this behemoth, this hairy beast.
Yes.
And I'm petting his forehead of his hairy face.
And I'm like, please, don't die, Souskwiats.
Don't die.
And finally his eyes flutter open and he looked at me right in the face.
He said, I'm Armenian.
And I just drove away because there's a lot of that.
There's a lot.
Glendale.
They play chess, the park.
They're all over Glendale.
Yeah, yeah.
So.
Yeah.
So anyway, they came close.
Yeah, but that's not really a species of discovery.
I came close.
Okay, I'm still looking.
Yeah, you're still looking.
Yeah, I've hit many Armenians.
Yeah.
No, I have.
You make the mistake.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm glad he didn't die.
Do you die?
No, he did not die.
No, the hair protected him,
cushioned him like bubble racks.
And now he works at a barbershop.
Yeah.
But anyways, I feel like we got to most of the stories and sort of got on the edge of.
I didn't know you could learn so much from DeVry.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
It never stopped.
It never stops.
I mean, one of the things you could become a master of or, you know what I mean, in DeVry at the DeVry?
Welding.
Welding?
Yeah, yeah.
Bowling.
What is it?
Bowling.
Bowling is a sport, my guy.
The history.
Yeah, they don't really teach that at DeVry.
You might want to go to like, I don't know,
like Melvin's Nut Farm or something.
I don't know.
No, Melvin's Nut Farm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
What are some other?
At DeVry?
At DeVry, welding, woodwork.
Yeah, woodwork, machine shop.
I hear you got the crow bugle video.
Oh, you got it.
Oh, you got it.
We found a fish.
Yeah, awesome.
Oh, wow.
Look at that.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
That's a slow-mo, guys.
Yeah.
Damn.
Very feminine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That fish is not in a hurry.
I'll tell you.
I'll tell you.
swims on top of the water.
Yeah.
That's science.
That's science for you.
Yeah.
Thank you, DeVry.
Yeah, thank you, DeVry.
So if you ever, don't go to Harvard,
you mean, don't go to Berkeley.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, do you have anything to promote?
How are you doing Harlan?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How are you, Harlan?
Good.
Real good.
With Harland, you know what I mean, we don't do that.
What?
A normal, like, you know what I mean?
What are you up to?
I don't do that with this guy.
You know what I mean?
Because we're on a different level.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
We go to the festivals together.
We understand a different.
What do you mean?
You don't?
Now I'm feeling a little neglected, maybe.
I'm feeling a little, that sort of was a bit of a slight.
I don't think it was a slight.
I don't think that you and I waste our times with small talk.
I know, but I feel.
like you're disinterested in my journey
now after that little side comment. I know much about your
comment. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't a side comment.
We had chuckles, we had laughs.
We had chuckles and laughs. I don't think that we're in a relationship
where it's like you're a new person. We're out to go,
where are you from? Well,
where's he from? Canada.
Where? I don't know.
Vancouver. Edmond, you're the one.
Am I close?
It's all right. Canada's Canada's
Canada.
Second largest country in the world.
I'm somewhere in the middle.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, got it.
Been to your house many times?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did your movie many, many years ago where I played a kangaroo.
Kangaroo Hans O'Reilly.
Yeah, yeah, that's why Kangaroo Hans-O-Reilly.
And that was, what, 20 years ago?
Yeah.
Yeah, in the desert.
Yeah.
And then you showed me property.
I own that little property in the middle of the Denver.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
Yeah, so it's like, I don't think that we need to do this whole, like, where you're from.
I think you're right.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know, I've known you for a very long time.
But do you really know me?
No, it's impossible too.
Does that hurt?
Does that hurt you?
Yeah.
I know some things about Harlan.
No, but what I'm saying is that he has an exterior, right?
That's goofball.
And it's a defense mechanism I have.
Like when I'm at the comedy store, I play a character.
You mean?
But they don't know.
So this is your way of shooting blood at me through your eyes?
Is your defense mechanism?
It's a defense mechanism, yeah.
Well, she knows about me.
Tell me more.
I know more about your matters of the heart.
Like when you went to Germany, fell in love.
Yeah.
That whole, you know, saga of that relationship.
Those are the things that stick.
Yeah, I remember that too.
Yeah.
Because you like, you like love.
You like emotions.
Mm-hmm.
Bobby likes adventure.
and Bobby's deep, but you never let me get too deep.
What is this?
Adventure.
There's our movie.
And who am I?
You're kangaroo Hans O'Reilly.
I'm in the back, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Watch.
Turn it up.
I pull you up.
Is that garlic bread teeth?
Yeah.
Look at him.
He was born with little.
What you would do?
If a bad breeze blowing away
Walk into it so I pass by
My question
Why'd you make me do an Asian accent?
Because I was your character
Good voice
Oh, that's right
Because in the movie I go
I keep a little Chinese friend
Behind the back seat
Ah, I say, I say
And then I pull you up
Yeah, yeah
But I didn't know at that time
To be honest
That you weren't Chinese
Honestly
Oh you didn't know
It wasn't great
We were like
That was the beginning
of our friendship. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's funny, I didn't even know him that well, and I went into
the desert with a man I didn't know that well, which is a dumb, a dumb thing to do, I think.
Yeah. How did he ask you? It's just, I just called you up. Yeah, you just called me up.
But I was honored that you did it because you didn't know me that well, and he didn't even
read the script. He just said, I'll do it. And when you did that, you ingratiated your say,
you're my friend for life. Yeah, yeah. Because that was, that was really generous to me.
It was one of those incidents where I was just like, fuck, Harlan Williams has called me.
And I go, and he's asked me to go in the middle of the desert.
Because obviously, I was a huge fan.
And I was like, yeah, it's like an obvious, yes.
There's no.
Oh, buddy.
I love you, buddy, dude.
I love that.
I'm not kidding.
I mean, there's some people that would ask now.
I probably say no.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Would you say no or yes?
It depends who it was.
If you asked me to do something, I'd say, I know you would.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But there are some people that I eat, I just wouldn't go to the desert with.
Yeah. Right? It was fun, though.
It was, I remember the day. I remember going to your house. I looked at your property, and I remember shooting that scene. I remember we had sandwiches.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Subway. Subway. Yeah, subway. Yeah, subway sandwiches.
And we talked about this last time. You fed yours to the ants.
I did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You found a big ant hill, and you fed your subway to the end.
Well, I think I like that animal.
Yeah.
It's one of my favorites.
You love ants?
Anyway, did you have fun today?
Yeah.
You did?
We learned so much.
Did you learn a lot of Jaime?
Yeah.
I like ants.
You do?
I like Aunt Hills.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't like them in my house.
I like the cities they build.
No.
Yeah, yeah.
But in your house, do you like them when you see a straight line?
I literally never kill an ant.
Yeah, what do Mexicans do?
What?
Oh, ants in the house?
Yeah.
They usually cook.
That's true, though.
Remember?
Oh, they cook the ants.
No, the ants cook the ants.
Oh, they work for you.
Yes.
Oh, interesting.
They look like little ants.
And it's not really a line.
Are you high?
No, it's not like really...
No, what's going on with you right now?
They don't form a line.
It's a trail.
It's not really a line.
A line's like this.
They do it like a little...
What are you talking about?
There's a line.
No, it's a trail.
They're...
What are they doing?
A trail to their home.
It's a trail tears?
Or is it joy?
Of joy, because they have food for the queen.
Ah, for the queen.
Oh, you know the hierarchy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You ever seen the Ant Hill?
You ever seen Ants?
By Woody Allen?
It's like a little trail of ants.
You had an anthill one time.
You know what I'm talking about?
My brother?
Rarely.
Rarely.
Okay.
Yeah.
This guy.
I feel weird being in the middle of your aunt talk.
I know, but do you, I know that movie.
Yeah, yeah.
I just feel like a third wheel.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to even, no, don't.
It's a great talk.
I just feel like I'm in the middle of it.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm a little aunt awkward right now.
Yeah, yeah, you're an awkward.
Hey, honestly, speaking of Antarctica.
Yeah.
Why aren't we allowed to go there?
You are.
I don't think you are.
You are.
You are.
I'm allowed to take a flight
to the middle of Antarctica.
Go visit as a tourist.
As a tourist.
I don't think that's right.
Google it.
I just did.
Well, I think I know what you're talking about.
I think there's a city there.
There's this conspiracy theory.
That's what I'm saying, yeah.
Where they say that there's
a certain limit to how far
you can go
and to travel in it
because it's so barren.
You would never know
if you're in the exact.
spot, but they say, beyond a certain barrier, there's a myth that there's cities and worlds
and creatures and stuff that we're not allowed to see.
Yeah, do you believe in this conspiracy?
Well, it's sort of this thing where they say, does the world really end?
Like, how much are they letting us know about where we live?
It's the Truman theory.
What's that?
The Truman Show.
Oh, because we've never really actually...
Like, who's really been there?
Katie Perry.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
She's been there.
Well, what's what's what's
This moon thing they just did?
And they went all the way up there
And they didn't even land.
Why wouldn't you land?
That's like going to Disneyland
and not going on the rides.
No, it's not even worse.
It's like just driving by Disneyland on the 405.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
There it is.
There it is.
Well, it's the first of many
because they're going to eventually set up a moon colony.
A moon base?
Yeah.
Would you go?
Yeah.
No, I'm too afraid of.
I would, the G-Force of even any Disney ride, like, kills me, so I could never be a space person.
Yeah.
Could you?
I mean, I don't think if you feel the G-Force when you're on the colony.
Yeah, but coming back down, I'd have to come back down eventually.
And the heat, did you not see that capsule burn?
You didn't see the return of integrity back into Earth?
Yeah, I have integrity.
You can watch it.
I cried my eyes out.
You did?
Why?
Why? Because it was so hot.
I don't know.
There's a lot of weird things happening in the world.
And sometimes when you see people go up in space
and you see those shots of Earth
and it kind of reminds you how like.
What mankind can do if we work together?
Yeah, it's just we're this, it's a reminder.
There were just this rock and we're so small.
And it made me emotional.
I take a different way.
I think it shows humanity working together.
You know, it's like that movie, deep impact.
Yeah, it's your favorite.
It's one of my favorite disaster movies.
And there's, you know, I like having the black astronaut, you know what I mean?
The Russian one, you know what I mean?
Like, did you see Project Hell Mary?
I'm watching it tomorrow.
Yeah, there's an Eastern European, a Japanese guy, and an American together.
I like when they're like, you know what I mean.
Oh, like the arrival.
Yeah, where all of human race, you know what I mean?
Working together to do something, you know what I mean, beyond ourselves.
if we're good, right?
But instead, you know what I mean?
We use it to kill.
You can just see that at IHop, really.
Oh, like at two of the more, at IOP.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like all the international just working to make breakfast.
Oh, I see.
Oh, the Belgian waffle.
The flapjack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
Sorry, I didn't mean to step on it, but I...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love that you get emotional about it.
Yeah.
Because you look back, you see Earth from that perspective,
and you realize it's all we've got,
and all the turmoil and the hatred and the war,
and the borders and the divides,
and you realize we're all just one.
We are.
And why do we go through with these stupid, endless, violent confrontations with each other?
And we're all the same.
We all have this one home, and we're fighting over nothing.
Exactly.
People die.
Yeah.
That's exactly what we're saying.
That can be emotional.
I'm with you.
That's emotional.
And I think the only way we could unite as a world is if, and this is violent, but if an alien race attacks us.
I think Project Hell Mary.
I haven't seen it yet.
So, you know, standby.
Really?
You?
I thought Project Mail Mary was the best movie I've seen in probably 10 years.
No.
In terms of perfection.
Who'd you go with?
What?
His girly.
The girl that I'm saying.
Okay.
And I never saw it.
the trailer. I never saw
anything. I didn't know nothing about it.
Nothing. I went to the
theater. I go, everyone was telling me to watch
this. And we sat there. I cried
three times. And at the end of it,
I'll tell you why it was perfect.
I mean, you know, we love Pulp Fiction.
We love Tarantino movies. We love older
Scorsese movies like mean, street, texture.
There's some darkness to everything and an edge.
I see early 70s cinema. That was a lot of
realism. You know what I mean?
Right? But there, but I think
Steven Spielberg introduced this kind of
hope idea and this like kind of family friendly
universal idea of just
hope and unity and I think that
Project Hail Mary is very E.T. like in that way.
Oh, I see. You know what I mean? Of a feeling of like
anybody can watch this at any age
regardless and walk out of the movie and go that was a really good film.
I want to see it. You sold me. Yeah. And I think that
I recommend people watch it
before it goes to streaming,
I think it's a theater movie.
Theater for sure.
It's a theater for...
Yeah, because IMAX.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll go this weekend, my guy.
It really is that good.
Out of ten, what are you giving it?
A nine.
What's a ten?
Space movie-wise.
Space movie-wise?
Oh, that's a really fucking good question.
I'm with you.
Arrival?
For me,
Arrival is a ten out of ten.
Everything from the score to like the very end
to the story about,
about the child.
I'll give a rival at 10.
There's so many.
Who's in a rival?
I don't remember.
Amy, yeah, Amy Adams
and Jeremy Renner.
Yeah.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
And Keenan Ivory Wains, Jr.
Yeah.
And the music was by Dennis.
Can I finish?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Got it.
The music was by Kid Rock.
It was?
New Kid Rock.
The new Kid Rock.
The New Kid Rock.
The New Kid Rock.
All right?
Yeah.
So who's this girl?
Amy Adams
She's good in the arrival
Oh the one you went to the movie with
She's a very imagination
That's not of your business
Why is she on Tinder?
No I met her in the wild
Well I'd like to take her to a movie too
When's in my turn to shine?
Ah
Oh
Is she on Tinder or is she not?
I'll find out what's her name?
She's not?
What's her name?
Montgomery.
Montgomery what?
Ward.
What do you know?
Montgomery what?
Ward.
Can we get that photo of the Sasquatch holding?
I thought you were looking that up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I think there's a police photography, you know what I mean?
Photo over that.
A camera photo of that.
I think he found her.
Are you out with her this weekend?
Was this the photo with the Armenian guy?
There he is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's the Nissan.
Yeah, there's a Nissan.
No, Dodge neon.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and that's not Harlem.
Yeah, get specific.
Also, there was KFC and the passenger seat.
Yeah, yeah, get specific.
Can I see?
Well, I like to take her to town.
Let me see.
Let me look.
That's who she is.
You want some?
Fanyans.
She's a lot of fun?
Yeah, she's a cool girl.
I'm happy for you, guys.
Harlan, what's this movie called Wingman?
Oh, wow.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Is this going to be a sour spot for you?
It already has been.
Well, this is last time I was here, we had a fight about it.
I let it go.
I don't care.
Okay.
Well, this is my new movie.
Called Wingman.
And can I say something, buddy?
Because this is...
Go ahead.
This is the first time the train.
for Wingman has been shown on a podcast.
Yay.
If you'll allow me to show it.
Go ahead.
It's my new movie. It's coming out May 26.
Yeah.
Wingman. I wrote it. I directed it.
Sure. I'm so excited to see it.
And this is, can I say, here we go.
Who's in it? It's two and a half minutes.
Who's in it?
Me?
Yeah. Jamie Kennedy.
Yeah.
Russell Peters
Kayla Wallace from Landman
Great cast
Evan Marsh
Anyway
Um
Here it is
Is Rock Snyder in it too
Let's guy
You're uh
Wingman is now
officially on the clock
You can close
Imagine on a Saturday night
How do I know it works
There's an elephant
Noah to jerk itself off with its own nose
My name
You're not actually considering this, are you?
No!
Turk Thompson, wingman.
Okay, because like a wingman?
What, he's still in high school?
Wingman.
You don't get laid? I don't get paid.
What have I got to lose?
Ow!
I need you to take these onion rings down into the jaw,
Stacked them on the bald cyclops and let me know the count.
You're nuts! You're a madman! This is a huge mistake!
What?
Shoulda let them cool off first.
See anything you like?
She's beautiful.
Look. Have you seen that Julia Roberts movie,
Eat, Pray, Love?
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, now you're looking at the sequel.
Eat, eat, eat.
You're crying.
So sad.
What makes you such an expert on women anyways?
POP.
Power of the pussy.
That was a mild setback.
Dress real nice.
We're going for some Wall Street beaver.
Party time, Pinky.
There it is.
First trailer.
I love it, dude.
Thank you for letting me show it.
I've never seen anything like it.
No?
No, no, no.
Yeah, it's just...
I didn't see Jamie or Russell in it.
Well, what we did is the core of the movies about this nerd hires this crazy wingman to help him get hurt.
I know.
I understood that from the thing.
And so...
That's obvious, yeah.
And so Jamie plays a rival wing man.
Oh, I see.
So he plays my nemesis.
Right.
He has high-end clients.
I have the low-end losers.
Right, right, right.
And then Russell Peters plays one of James.
Jamie's high-end client, and he steals that guy's girlfriend.
Oh, I see. Don't give it away.
I don't want to give too much away. Yeah, don't give too much away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, uh, and you produce and directed it yourself.
I didn't produce it, but I directed it. I wrote it and starred in it.
That's amazing.
It's coming out May 26, and you can go to harlomwilms.com and get, uh, a pre-order for
Apple TV. And, uh, so we're excited, buddy.
Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
You know, it's so funny.
Andrew and I created our own thing, a TV show.
You did?
Yeah, we produced ourselves, and we're putting it out soon in November.
And I think that's the next, you know, wave of doing it.
Isn't it great?
I love it because you have control.
Yeah.
And no notes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I don't have people breathing down my leg.
I do it this way.
I love it.
Or you can't say that or whatever.
That's the bit because Theo and Spade just put out their movie.
I'm in that too, yeah.
You're in that too, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm excited to see it.
I couldn't get into Wingman, but
I'm going to be into every other movie.
I just a tie or, you know what I mean?
You know, all of it, but, you know, but...
We're not going to relitivating.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
But you know you love...
I love, pray.
Wait, can you tell me about your...
No, I can't.
I got to go.
Andrew?
Your project with Andrew?
Yeah, I can we say...
You let me plug mine.
I'd like to plug yours.
This is my show.
I know, but it's up to me if we plug your project or not.
All right.
I'd like to plug his project.
It's called...
The Bad Game Show.
And do we have a trailer?
No.
We just shot last week.
All of it.
And thirdly, you don't have to snap my head off.
I didn't.
I'm just trying to be your friend.
I am your friend.
I'm trying to promote you.
I know you're on my own podcast.
You snapped real deep and real hard, guy.
Yeah?
I'm fucking with you, guy.
I'm an actor.
I'm an actor.
Did you see it?
Oh, it's the character from Wingman.
Yeah.
Wow.
Come on.
Thank you so much.
