TigerBelly - Jay Mohr & The Wu Tang Intervention

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

Jay Mohr is in the studio for the 1st time! We chat Katz the King, Jerry Maguire, UN headset, Chewy Vuitton, SNL, pill-billies, and 3.6 million views. Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners!  Go to www.helixsleep.com/belly. That’s www.helixsleep.com/belly. This is their best offer yet and it won’t last long!  With Helix, better sleep starts now.  And we’ve got a special deal for our listeners: Try BlueChew FREE when you use our promo code BELLY at checkout--just pay $5 shipping. That’s BlueChew.com, promo code BELLY to receive your first month FREE. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information, and we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast.

This podcast is sponsored by Helix. Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash belly. That's helixsleep.com slash belly. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. This episode is sponsored by Bluechew. Go to bluechew.com, promo code belly to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.

And we thank bluchu for sponsoring this podcast. It's a new look, it's a new day, it's a new life, huh? Yes, Kaleida. What's going on? I recently went through some acid. And now I'm blind. How do you just go through some acid? How does someone go through acid, Hymen? You ever seen the show Daredevil? No, I don't think I have.

The one with Ben Affleck? Yes, yes, yes. Something like that. Daredevil is. It's a movie, it's not a show, yeah. And in that case, yes, I have seen the movie Daredevil, but not the show. Oh, okay, yeah, the movie.

The TV show and the theater you went to? Yeah. Did you watch it? Have you watched it with Ben Affleck? Yeah, he blind. He blind? He blind. He's blind.

Yeah. Yeah, that's something happened to me like with this. Explain, please. I'm at the edge of my seat. I was at the hotel and I was walking to the pool and um on acid no I don't do drugs I walked through like like a shower of acid oh actually like battery acid no whatever the call acid whatever acid they were using them. They're double roof drippings No a fan gave me these why they're events are they like legit I don't know

You tell Kaila maybe a little while you're self-conscious about your eyes and then oh, yeah, give you advice I have a I was watching the podcast and eyes and then oh yeah give you advice I have a I was watching the podcast and my eyes roll back so I'm gonna have my eyes open hey you know what can I tell you something from one from somebody who's got some eye issues herself so my thing is sometimes I go cross-eyed but the one thing that people notice the most is they call me blink 182 because I'm always like blinking blinking blinking when I'm in thought I blink and it's like an anxiety thing I say don't listen to them and keep rolling your eyes back

What do they say like were you conscious like I was watching myself and my eyes do roll back When when they roll back like not randomly here Ali so Klailea what I may did just go When we went to heavy handed oh my god And then he ate it and he really liked it so he wanted a second one so when he was talking about it here again He was like I didn't even want that second one, but it was That's an appropriate eye roll though, that's like you were describing a really good burger, like orgasmic. An eye roll is appropriate. So I say don't listen to these haters over here. Gilbert.

No. Yeah, I have my eyes open and I'm not going to smile because he did me wrong too with my selfie. So I'm just going to laugh through my mouth. Can I just say though, that picture that they put up on the grid? They did you dirty. They did you dirty there. I'm trying to lose weight. I try to lose weight.

I try to lose weight. When they posted it to now, I was running every day. I was like, damn. But here's the thing you're you're much cuter than that it was just a bad angle a bad timing it was just a bad photo. Do you really want to lose weight? You don't like how you are right now? Mmm not so much I don't have a neck so like. Why are you laughing? I'm laughing because like my the guy that I'm dating now he doesn't have much of a Hawaiian. Yeah, the big thick Hawaiian

He also has like a six-package a massive chest So I was his name from Jason no from Disney the Hawaiian movie the rock Yeah, what character? Oh, I don't know Moana's Moana. Oh in a movie Moana. He built like that Hi, my Garcia good good. I love he's like Jaime Garcia Cover why do you extend your hand? Jaime Garcia. Only minorities. Only minorities. But up up lonely the lonely but right mm-hmm. Roy Orbison he was he blind? No, he would just perform backwards. Because I think he had stage fright.

Wasn't that the deal? The sunglasses were white because of the stage fright. So he never performed backwards? Or you? Did you make that up? Yeah, I think I did. I believe that. You say things that are facts.

I tell people this. I'm like, I think Roy Orbison would face the stage. In the beginning, he put, the first time he went up, first year he did do it backwards. Okay. beginning, he, no, in the, the first time he went up, first year, he did do it backwards. Okay. But then he goes, I'll just wear sunglasses.

Well, that's not a good, Roy Orbison, I'll just do, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what he sounds like. But anyway. He's like the coolest guy that ever lived, you know. He is, right? When they were doing his like birthday black and white movie. Yeah. Yeah. From all the band, they were all like freaked out,

like, oh, Roy Orbison's here, Roy Orbison's here. And then Bono goes up to him and goes, if you need anything, anything you need at all, we'll just, and he goes, well, I'd like a Coca-Cola. Really? Wow. He gave him a fucking Coca-Cola. Wow, wow.

And he's like, only the moment. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. That guy got some chicks. Roy Orbison. Oh, I bet. Looking like that too. I know, but this, I don't think he would do well. In today's age, he's pale.

What's wrong? I don't know if that was yours, relax. What's wrong? I'm fucking relaxed, man. I just asked him what was wrong. No, I didn't know if that was yours. Yeah, no, I just assumed this is mine. I just switched it.

Yeah, we're righties. Yeah, yeah, we're righties, Yeah. Anyway, calm down. We're good So, um, let's get let's start um Let's start I just woke up like this but this time though. I really just woke up. Oh, really? Yeah, this is the real wake up. I was I woke up in a panic because of his text. Mm-hmm Jay's here. I was like You know was one of those he goes you're so early. I go it's quarter of Yeah, okay, Jay What what happened there the tape the tooth

No, honestly what happened to the tooth? Bobby, this is crazy. Let's start anyway. You're projecting your own toothlessness. No, all right my mom's seeing things. Okay sorry, sorry my bad. You have something in my teeth? See I knew it dude. You did the tooth thing. Did you see it? What? I could have guessed it. Did you see the tooth thing? So am I losing my mind? Everyone in the room calm down.

I got this. This is almost done. I'm the captain. We're all drowning. Oh no. Juneteenth. It's past. It's past. Okay, my bad. So you're good? I'm good, right? So here we go. Five, four, three, two, one. I mean, when did you get here?

I've been here since Thursday. Oh, you know, speaking of Roy Orbison, he actually came, he was in Sunglasses not too long ago. A fan gave me some Ray-Bans. Yeah, because apparently he's very insecure about his eyes now Yeah, why they roll back for some reason when I talk so this whole episode. I'm gonna have my eyes open Oh, and you've been reading the comments. No. Yeah, you have have you been reading fucking comments I got my girl has been reading in front of me Yeah, yeah, you know how to read right I know how to read okay good I know you did I know how to read. Okay, good, I know you did. I know how to read.

I'm not saying, your eyes almost rolled back. I know they almost. You disciplined yourself, this is great. Yeah, there we go, keep that on. Anyway, five, four. Yay! Yay! All right, let me just, let me do a long intro.

What are you doing? He's taking the water. Are you gonna make me do a Christian Bale do it? I'm gonna snap, dude. You don't walk around in the back while, I'm kidding. I put the waters in the fridge and then I forgot to get them. They roll back like a nervous tick?

I think so. Because I had a kid I grew up with, he'd be like, he would talk to you and just drop that on you. But isn't that? Mike Murphy would be like, you know, because we. Mike Murphy did that? Yeah. Wait, but that's um

Yeah, I think he might know I think let me see it I don't know I just do it randomly Well, you know something cuz you're changing how you actually behave and live drill into him dude. He's a kid. He isn't nothing It turns out he was describing how delicious the burger that he was eating was. And then he rolled back. So I was like, oh, that's an appropriate time for your eyes to roll back. Let me see how they roll back. Just try it. I don't know. I just do it naturally. I don't know. It's random. Try to roll your eyes back now.

I was having heavy handed and it was delicious. Oh, they didn't roll back? No. That's not rolling back, you just blink. Maybe you just keep having strokes. It's a mini stroke you're having. Yeah. I think I'm pretty young to have a stroke.

Okay, anyway, let's start from the beginning. We're gonna keep all that in. And I wanna be jolly and I wanna be light and I wanna be full of love. So welcome to Tiger Belly! Yeah! Anyway, so many, many years ago, I think in the 90s, late 90s, I moved to LA, okay?

And then, I don't know how I ran into Jay or whatever, but I knew that Barry Katz. Hey, Bob. Barry. Shout out. Shout out to Barry. I have a gig for you, Bobby. Are you sitting down? That does.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's so good. It pays a quarter of a million dollars. If you want it, you have to leave now. You have to pick up Don Gavin in Chickapee, Massachusetts. Do you want it? Yeah, it's so funny.

It's canceled. It sends chills down my spine. That is exactly it. I mean, you're so dynamic. Look at you. I'm like, you know, make me laugh, you big blonde Jew. Make me laugh. You got these progressives where it's like readers

on the bottom. Oh, wow. So I'm getting like C6. I'm just going to take them off. Take them off, dude. You want to try these on, Jaime? I don't think I'm blind. Don't stretch your mouth. I know I have a big head. This guy's got a lot on his mind this guy. Anyway so um I think Barry wanted to poach me. So Barry was a... So Barry Katz wanted me right right? So then he was, there was a guy named Brian.

What's his last name? Volkwise. Yeah, Volkwise, yeah. And they were really so. Both managers. No, but Brian worked for Barry. For the company, right? And I love both of those guys.

And it feels good when people want you. Let's just say that. Yeah. But at the same time. Especially for approval addicts like you and me. Whoa. Are you an approval addicts like you and me. Whoa. Are you an approval addict? My first addiction.

But if you don't like me, I don't know how to act. Oh my god, do we gotta talk about that? I've never even heard of that. That's what I have. I have approval addiction. And is that from your childhood? You get that? I don't know, I was just born needing more.

Like I would, you know. Yeah, yeah. I just, I need more of your attention, more of your affection. Like if we're hanging out as kids, I spend the whole time trying to convince you what a great time we're having. Oh my God.

Do you have that? Yeah, but like, like. But do you not, do you, well, You absolutely have that. I know I do, dude. I just, I, she, oh my God. It's almost as if I figured out kind of like what my real problem is But we're two different varieties of approval addicts because I try to be very kind of secretive about the fact that I need it as well

so i'm a lot more like Tame in my like approach to needing it, but I do need it just as bad But I find that that goes hand in hand with being like codependent, like for me at least. But I don't know, that's so interesting. Do you really think you were just born with that? That's your factory setting? Yeah, I know. Yeah, really. I've done the work. I've done the research. Yeah. That's incredible. So like at my intervention, it was like eight minutes in, I blurted out, just so you guys know I'm going but Only because the approval addict the fastest way to get a room of everybody going

For looking happy To agree to go is just mathematics. Oh, I can get everybody happy real quick I got sober like out of spite. Yeah, if I gotta get sober watch this I'm gonna sober all you motherfuckers. Like I'm gonna be the mayor. Wow. Because even like I'll say yes to everything and then six months later whenever the gig happens, I was... It's the worst.

And then I get out of it. Yeah, you can't do that. I do. I lie. I got my little man knee, he's doing the wobbly sound. And they're like, what are you talking about? I go by my throat too, you know?

And they're like, no. And last time I got out. I said I'm lying I said I had a gig at this comedy store and because remember I got I hit my head last week on a tour bus and My lips were open. So I told the guy go Yeah, every time I talk it opens up a little bit and little puff squirts out of the thing. So I don't know He's okay. Yeah, I heard that exact line same when last week I I don't know. And he goes, okay. Yeah, I heard that exact line. Same. When? Last week. I heard it, it worked on me, and I said, Bobby, you still got to do this shoot.

Oh, that's right. You made me do it. Don't break my pulse. I try to get out of everything, but I say yes to it in the beginning. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you wind up disappointing, you wind up, yeah. It's completely counterproductive.

For real. I know. You wind up letting everybody down I love everyone including yourself Oh damn, dude God, god damn. What are you doing here, man? This is insane this guy anyway, let's go to the power. I'm your father I Came from the future to save your soul Wow I think you were the first Christopher guy to do Christopher walk in

That's Roger I saw Roger Kabler do it at a like a showcase Wow. I think you were the first Christopher, guy to do Christopher Walken. I saw Roger Kabler do it at a showcase. You don't know you can do, you don't even know, there's some impressions you don't know they can be done until you watch somebody do it. Like when Al Gore was running for president, you're like, how do you do Al Gore? And then somebody does it, you go, oh okay.

That's how you do it. So I watched Roger Kabler do it, and I was like, yeah, it's crazy. Wow, wow, wow. And then every movie I saw I just walked around, it's like hearing a good song. Like when you watch The King of New York, from now on nothing goes down. If a nickel bag gets sold in the park, I want in.

You guys got fat while people starving in the streets. That's incredible. The silver of the past so anyway So they and then I was opening for Jay and then you then we became friends And I'll tell you the worst gig I did for you USC. Yeah, I was awful. Do you remember USC? I do because there was like four of us three of us, but I remember you went up right before me Yeah, and I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to go up when the sun was still out. It was like a summertime gig outside.

So I'm like, all right. So it started to get dusk and it was like one of those stubborn LA sunsets where it's just light until like nine. And I'm like, just keep, I didn't want to go up when it was light out. So I made you keep going. And you're on stage like, how much longer do I have to be here? You came completely on stage like, how long did I have to be here? You came completely onto me like, how long did I have to be here?

And I was like, you're doing great. Just keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had run out of all the material, right? And I'm looking at Jay and just like, yeah, yeah, what the sun? The sun was up in the sky, so high. It wasn't going to go down for hours, I felt like. And I just kept talking.

And he kept going, go, go, go, go, go. It was funny. You're doing great. You're doing great, yeah. Well, what a pleasure though. I didn't remember that till you just said I opened for Jay and I just started laughing. Yeah, yeah.

You were just bending down with your hands on your knees like, I don't know what to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was terrible. And then, and then, you know, we'd pod, and we, you know, you've always been, oh, and then you also had me on your show me and Swartzen do you remember you had Fox Sports Show yeah and I played Michelle Kwan that's yeah yeah and then um I forgot what Nick

Swartzen played but there was a there was a yeah but it's like you've always I always love to have my friends like That's the whole point of when you get up. It's like, come on, you come too. And you've always been, I mean, I fail to mention Jay sometimes, you know what I mean? Probably all the time. But I say that like, Mencia or Pauly, but then you remember, I remember Jay being very, very helpful.

So it's like. That's interesting to hear, because when I watched this podcast, you guys are talking I remember Jay being very, very helpful. That's interesting to hear, because when I watched this podcast, you guys are talking about how I was abusive. When? You and Burt were talking about how all of our lives. I do remember this. Apparently, I slapped Burt around and abused him.

He did that. I didn't do it. No, the whole conversation was about the butt house. What did I say? I remember old studio. The first time we had Burt on, I remember The whole conversation was about... Wait, wait, wait, wait. What did I say? What did I say? Old house. I remember old studio. The first time we had Burt on, I remember there was a whole thing about that. I was like, Jesus.

Sorry for trying to help my friends out. 3.8 million views now? What? How many views? 3.6 million views. All right. Well... Yeah, it's affected my career, actually.

You guys in Joe Rogan have affected me in the following ways. The comedy... But what I want to say though is... So what is the truth behind that? I want you like... The truth about what? Helix Sleep for your bag, you gotta sleep good. You guys, you guys. Sorry Elvis. You guys.

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With Helix, better sleep starts now. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey And I have helps. And you know who my allies are? The little blue guys. Wow. And if you want to be as hard as the summer day is long, then get yourself a blue chew and bring the summer heat, baby. Blue chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in a chewable form.

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post a picture of my dogs without somebody saying, did you steal them from Burt too? Like literally that's, that has affected my career to the tune of millions of dollars when Rogan and Burt had that thing. And Rogan being the comedy end-all be-all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, wow. Which is interesting that he's the arbiter of funny. But can I just? Yeah, yeah. Considering all the times Joe Rogan has made us all laugh. I understand, I understand. It's so funny that you say that because it's like now, you know, I have a sense of like, you know, I mean.

I'm trying to sell out bars in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yeah, yeah. And other guys are doing like arenas. I know, but Jay, I wanna, let's get back to that. This is a very odd setup. I know, just look at me, okay? Everyone's looking like him, look at him. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like know, but Jay, I wanna, let's get back to that. This is a very odd setup.

I know, just look at me, okay? Everyone's looking like him. Look at him and Kalei-la, okay? Oh. Yeah, but what I wanna say though is, and I really mean this from the bottom of my heart, I've never, sometimes you'll see, I have seen it, but I've seen your you I have seen it, but I've seen the transfer your transformation

Right has been just so obvious to me and it is so clear that I'm like, oh this guy You're the path that you're about to lead now is gonna be fucking incredible. Fuck. Yeah, I really believe that right on Yeah, yeah, you've changed so much. You're so fucking talented. You've always been a guy where I was like, no, that's the guy. I mean, it's like, I mean, you know, Clyde and I talked about Jerry Maguire, and you just kill it in that movie. My first movie.

Wow. Really? And you kill it in everything. We'll get to that. I was too, like, young to know, like, to be freaked out. But maybe that worked to your favor. Like, stand here and say this with that guy. You're like, alright. I just rewatched it a month ago and immediately

after I called Bobby and I was like oh my god. I hadn't watched it since I was like. I love that movie. It's a great movie. Also I rewatched Picture Perfect every two years and you were the dream guy. I grew up in the Philippines and I was like, I don't know like you were the dream guy like you know I grew up in the Philippines

And I was like I don't know if you guys watch that with Jennifer Aniston, but it was like It was like the young girls like kind of like Cinderella watch the whole deal yeah, there was the hot Kevin Bacon character And then there was Jay and then he got the girl on Twink Wow, I was such I love this movie You're so cute there, dude. I know If I knew I was that good-looking I wouldn't have been so angry You know me you go look back at old photos of yourself you I was killing it. Like, why was I upset about anything?

Yeah, yeah, you were killing it. How old were you? 26. That's 26? Yeah. And you had been on SNL by then or no? Oh yeah, SNL was 20 and 21. 21 and 22.

We were 21 and 22 and got SNL? Yeah. How did that happen? Barry. Barry gets. So he followed through. How did that happen? Barry. Barry Katz. So he followed through. Just before, Barry Katz used to be the king. The king.

The single most influential human being in my entire life. At 18 years old, you meet a father figure that says, I'll take care of everything. You just go on stage no matter what. I can't pay my bill. I got it. What about this effing guy? I'll talk to him.

Wow. I can't do it. I'll make it right. You just keep going on stage. Just keep going. And he had a comedy club and he's like, when you walk into the comedy club, you're gonna be the next guy up no matter what.

Wow. And you're like, all right. So you just keep going. Monday, Tuesday, six people, 60 people, doesn't matter. Just walk in, you just leave your house, go I'm gonna go try these jokes. It's insane how great it was. Like what a setup.

That's like Malcolm Gladwell type shit, like the confluence of events and those 10,000 hours in that one room and then you come out to LA. So he had SNL auditions at his club the Boston Comedy Club and it was in the summertime it was on the second floor and there was no air conditioning it was fucking tropical brutal wow and I he goes all right you go up third and I'm like great and everybody there from SNL left halfway through the fourth guy. So there was 10 guys that just went up

and fucking like, oh, this is it. Nobody there. No one even watched. If I went up fourth, wouldn't have gotten it. Wow. So was Lauren there? Lauren was not there. Lauren was there the second time. So they wanted to see me again. And then I went to stand up New York, which is like an operating room. Yeah. It's so weird. Yeah, it's so weird though. Yeah. And then also the whole time I'm doing my SNL audition, I thought I saw like, there was like Sandler and Marcy Klein and Lorne Michaels and there's somebody else. I see Rob Schneider and David Spann. I'm like, all right.

So after every like impression, I would just stare over there, like just let them know I wasn't like intimidated. Wow. I walk off stage and I walk past stare over there, like just let them know I wasn't like intimidated. And then I walk off stage and I walk past them over here. You're looking at the wrong people. I was like just staring down at an investment banker from Pat's odds on that. This guy's there with his wife like, why's this guy fucking staring at us all night?

I hate this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. They were over there. And then- I was wearing sweatpants and a, like a wrestling camp t-shirt. Wow.

That's a good look. And did you- I was just from the gym, took the train, had a couple of- But when you went up, sometimes when I go up, I go, that's it. Did you know that or no? I knew, I knew it was,

there was 12 ounces of water in an 8 ounce glass Wow, like it was just it was yeah, you know, you know, you know, yeah Yeah We're like you but you've also done things like that were an audition or something where you kill it like that And then you don't get it and you're like Yeah, yeah, then you're like what yeah, yeah, but then I also but then I always go Because I don't get it, but I always go to my agent and I go, tell me what the deal is.

And like, yeah, I mean, they loved you, but. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you know, Ken's gonna get it. Right? Yeah, yeah, that's my old story. Ken Jones is gonna get it. Dr. Ken. Anyway, yeah, yeah, yeah, by my point.

Yeah, yeah, but so when you got off stage, you look at them, you walk by them. Oh, so then I go out onto the sidewalk to walk home and Marcy Klein runs out and goes, don't leave. Lauren wants to say hi to you. And there's this big giant white limo outside and I'm like, why, but here's the alcoholic. I'm like, why I gotta go home. Like, yeah, you want me to do? Like, how long, I gotta stand out here like an idiot? And then he came out and he goes, good job, good job. And then the next day, I flew, because I had to go home in pack

because I was doing a college, Catawba College in Catawba, North Carolina. It was me and Anthony Clark. So we fly in, it's just, it is a shit kicker town. We are literally at a Motel 6 alongside a highway, and 18 wheelers are parked in the parking lot. So I'm like, after traveling all day, I'm like, I'm going to go upstairs and take a nap. I'm on the second floor of this Motel 6.

And he's got this long pole. He's cleaning out the pool. And he's like, I'm going to clean out the pool. And I go up to my room, and the phone rings when I'm laying down. It's Ruthanne Secunda, my agent, and Barry. And I'm like, immediately I'm like, my parents have died in a car accident. And they go, you got and Barry and I'm like immediately. I'm like my parents have died in like a car accident

Right and they go you got it and I'm like, whoa I go okay. Let me let me just call you guys later So I hung up the phone and I go back downstairs and Anthony Clark. He's like tall skinny I love him. He's still cleaning out the pool and I go Tony. I just got Saturday Night Live. He goes Well, there goes that nap. I Love him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then we, so when you went, cause a lot of people get like nervous or intimidated. Were you intimidated when you went, went, went to the show? Oh yeah. Yeah. The auditions, no, because that's what I do. We do stand up and it's in a club that my manager owns and then it's in the second one. I know they want to see me again because it's the second time so then you get a little cocky like all right let's go I'll go up in sweatpants fuck it yeah everybody else is like in their perfect comedy outfits and

they're yeah you know when you back in the day when guys were like fold this over yeah yeah yeah the 90210 shit right right I was like these guys are fucking let me hear them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but going there, you just don't know, it's like just showing up to a town, but nobody's out. Like everyone's gone home. Right, right, right, right. So like you're there and you're there on time, which is like noon, cause that's what they told you, but nobody else shows up till like five.

Right, right, right. And you're like just sitting by a reception desk and like literally know, and you're like, oh, I don't and like literally know and you're like who I don't know Yeah, and then somebody goes yeah, they'll be by don't and every conversation like somebody's got shit to do They're all walking past you like you know he talked to And then they start coming in little by little and you're like everyone's like these harvard guys are making sketches on their computer and hitting Send wow I'm sitting there with a yellow legal pad like do I put Phil Hartman's name or the name of the character? Yeah, yeah, what do so who's name or the name of the character? Yeah, yeah.

So who was on the show then? Chris Farley. Oh my god. The most beautiful man I ever met in my life. Wow. Spade, yeah? Sandler, Spade, Schneider, Ellen Claycorn, Julia Sweeney, Phil Hartman.

Me, Norm MacDonald, and Sarah and Dave Attell were hired at the same time. Wow. Wow. And I shared an office with Attell. Wow, I just saw Attell last week. I love him. I love him so much.

I love this special. Yeah, which one? Hot Cross Buns. Oh, great, yeah. But Skanks of the Memory is like our white album. Yes, oh, what a sentence. That's our white album. Every special now is just, everything's pretty good.

Yeah. It's like it's just an ocean of pretty good. When you listen to Skanks, you go, oh this is. everything's pretty good. It's like just an ocean of pretty good. There's no specialness. When you listen to Skanks, you go, oh this is. How do these freaks get on our aeroplanes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I hurt my, you know, I got stitches. And out of all the comics on the tour,

I did, look. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Out of all the comics, you know what I mean, that was on that tour, he was the only one to call, Dave Attell, and go, how are on that tour, he was the only one to call, David Tell, and go, how are you? Yeah, he is a good dude, and I forever, you know what I mean?

I would die for that guy. Who else is on that tour? Sam Merrill, love him. Dan Soder, no? Yeah, no? Yeah, Bert Kreischer. What do all those guys have in common? Where do they come from? No, this is fun! This is great! I love this game!

They come from America? The guy not in that crew is the guy to reach out and actually ask how you're doing. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Well, you're blowing my mind. I've had nothing but time to think about all of this as I sit around wondering why my late show and first show have been combined

and it's still not sold out. One day I'll get on a mic and vengeance will be, no. No, Jay, I'm telling you though, dude, I promise you, you're on, you're there. Oh, I love my life. Yeah, you have a great life, by the way. I go out every other weekend, I take a nap every day. This is my nap time, that's how important this was.

You're a good dad. I am a great dad. Yeah, yeah. And I met your kid at the premiere thing for... Oh, Mackie's the man, my youngest is the youngest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he doesn't realize how cool he is. How old are your kids?

13 and 21. Oh, whoa. yeah. So he doesn't realize how cool he is. How old are your kids? 13 and 21. Oh, whoa. We go bowling like twice a week, me and my wife, my son, and a couple guys. And a friend of mine came in from Japan. So you worry about your kid's grades and like, man, he's just fucking like, what's going on? Yeah.

I can't get him to just be motivated. And then we're all sitting around. And one of my friends flew in from Japan with his daughter, 18 year old, half Japanese daughter, and he was my first roommate in New York, he moved to Japan to speak English. And so we're all standing around and then Mackie, my son Mackie just goes up to the 18 year old,

like adorable 18 year old, half Japanese girl, goes, hey I don't think I introduced myself, I'm Mackie, I'm Jay's son. And I was like, this guy could sell fucking Jets today. Like, I don't get C's. Fuck it. Wow. You know what I mean? Yeah, because at the thing, he came up to me, looked me right in the eye, and he goes,

what's up, man? He loved you. And I was like, oh shit, this guy's an actor. He's Nick Loney or something. I don't know. He goes, Dad, that's Bobby Lee. He's got over a million followers. Wow. Oh really? He said that? Yeah, well, wow. But he also watches like Nick Avocado so who knows where he is.

Nick Avocado. Yeah. So you're a cool kid and you're great in the movie by the way. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Because I want to say this about Sweet Dreams. Have you got, who in the room seen it? I haven't seen it yet. Somebody should have ran a comb up to me Yeah, so no one in the room seen it right and I'm gonna tell you this right now George Gilbert Alex Hi, Meg, Kaila. If you guys did a movie, I'd see it Haven't seen it. Oh really? You haven't seen it. No. Anyway, I love the movie Anderson Paak. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that black guy kneeling was since he really blew me away. Gata. What's his name?

Gata. Gata, yeah, yeah. How do you blow your way? He was such a good actor. Yeah, yeah, I loved him. But anyway, I've talked about this. In the movie, especially the scenes with you and Johnny, it's the most realistic, sponsor-sponsey kind of depiction I've ever seen in any movie.

And it's the best depiction of AA meetings I've ever been, I've ever seen in the meeting. Well they were smart, they filled it with AA guys. I know, that day was incredible. That was fun. Because I walked into that shoot and all the men in there were people I know from the rooms. Smart.

I go, what the fuck, holy shit. And like this is the real thing, you know what I mean? And you're sober, so it was just like, what the fuck, holy shit. And Elijah's like, this is the real thing. You know what I mean? And you're sober, so it was just like, that speech you did was incredible. You didn't see the movie? I haven't yet.

I weighed 240 pounds in that movie. You did? Wait, what's the weight now? 190. What the? 50 pounds. Keto? I just got sober and I started eating.

Wow. I was coaching wrestling on speed. So like I lived in Malibu, I'd take my paddleboard out, I'd paddle to like the Malibu Pier and back, which is six miles. Then I'd go to wrestling practice. Then I'd stay up all night. You burned some calories.

Yeah, yeah. Then you get out of rehab and you just sit in three meetings a day where they keep serving cake. Yeah, yeah. I wanna talk about that. So the last last year we using, what were you doing? Uh, a lot of driving around town. A lot of, uh, yeah, a lot of scratch off tickets, a lot of drive through car washes. Yeah. A lot of, uh, just, I'm just using just meth. Oh no. Adderall Adderall. Yeah. Sorting out. I love pills, I'm a pill-billing.

I love pills too. Fucking love pills. I love pills so much. It's my thing, it's my jam. Such a good secret. Why else do you have this little pocket here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was for mustard or ketchup packets.

Oh my God. I must never bump into anybody. I just saw a thing on TikTok, but maybe it was a... I believe it's for a watch back in the day. Yeah. Really? And what is this one for? The handkerchief?

Yes. The kerchief. The pocket square? I'm pretty sure, I don't even know what you're talking about right now. Pocket square. Yeah. Oh, on a...

Like on t-shirts even. Cigarettes. Is it cigarettes? Because I know you put your cigarettes in there. I put my cigarettes there, yeah. Like on t-shirts even. Cigarettes. Is it cigarettes? Because I know you put your cigarettes in there. I put my cigarettes there, yeah. And I put my heart there. Aw.

Cutey. I love when you guys did that podcast where you had to tell the truth or take a shot. Oh, right. Oh, that's right. I was really, it made me like love the two of you. It was so honest and beautiful. It showed like a very deep, deep love.

Like it was really great. I actually had a big cry in the shower right before I got here. Thanks for mentioning that. And it was because I really- Today? Just today before I got here. And it was like this deep overwhelming like realization

of like how much I genuinely like love him. And it's so weird and I called my sister. Where in Thailand? Where'd you call her? No, where's- How far? Where'd you say you grew up? Philippines?

Hey, I grew up in the Philippines but I- You called her like, Tadarantatata. Like Morse code that language. Tinder. Tinder, we met on Tinder when Tinder was like- Back in the day when it was new. When it was classy.

At some point in the beginning we didn't know what it was yeah, it was just fun, you know, I think people like how'd you meet mom? Well, I was taking a shit and I swipe right I Went well, there she is. Yeah. Well, that's essentially what happened And then I would drive to Long Beach and we went on dates and it was incredible You sure you made time for every time you showed up? Yeah, I went extra lengths to get to her yeah, you know I mean, and I'd made the effort and I think that's important I thought you met her in the Philippines you met her here in California. I mean what the fuck That was really good your eyes back

Hi me hi me you haven't talked all day, right? And in your mind you're like, I went, I went, when can I go, when can I go? That's when you went? Why'd you make him a cartoon? What accent? I went, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go,

I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, How long have you been thinking? Started talking all right. I was like they have tinder in the Philippines and they actually do They have electricity as well. Yeah, they do and shoes yeah, a bowl water believe it or not. They have everything there clothing Yeah, is it potable or potable? I don't know but if you know what it means Yeah, like say it well. I know it is like potable means it's Yeah, like say it. Well, I know it is like potable means it's Drinkable. Yeah drinkable. It's a fucking call it drinkable. Oh, I don't even call it potable is drinkable Yeah, potable water is like access to clean water that you can drink. Whoa, like this water is not potable means don't drink it. Whoa

Hi, you know, I was just joking right about what? Yeah, yeah. He's doing great. What's your job here, Jaime? I'm not sure yet. So, J.J. So, Ralph Barboza, was I saying it right? Ralph Barboza brought him, young comic from Texas, and he just came one day, and I go,

what the hell is that? Right? Ralph goes that's my friend bro and I go and we talked to him. So let's make it let's make him the third Mike. We fly him out all the time. Why should these guys get a crack at it? Right, right, right. We've had tries. Ten years. Anyway so let's go to Malibu, Adderall, and then Big big intervention. Yeah, so you have to lie to get a drug addict to their intervention. Did you have an intervention? Mm-mm.

Oh, God bless you. No, we tried. Because I got sober when I was 17, and when I was 17, I stayed sober until I was almost 30. Wait, you fricking. No, just let me stop. Okay. And I went to meetings, so every time I would go out,

I already knew where to go, almost. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would maybe need detox or whatever, but I was like, no, I know. You were lo I already knew where to go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would maybe need detox or whatever But I was I was like no, I know you were loitering with intent to recover. Yeah. Yeah So that like Colin Quinn, you know Yeah, because last relapse though. We did Have our own small intervention between the three of us and I don't think he remembers it. I don't remember

What was what was said it was in this room and it was saying like, hey, like you're absolutely falling apart and you know. Norcos? No. Pills? No. Booze. Just booze and weed.

Like I was, you know, I would take a thousand milligrams a day on. You ever fall asleep with a cock ring on? I feel like he. Answer that, answer that like he does that sober. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have one on right now. You ever wake up and be like, uh oh.

Yeah, yeah. Is a cock ring solid? Cause I have rings that vibrate, but what's yours? No, I don't have one now. Oh, you don't? But did you ever have one? Yeah, my housekeeper found it and I told her, oh, that's, you know, when I write,

because I write so much, every time I hit the space bar, I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome. So I put that on my thumb. So it's like a cushion. And then for months, she'd be in the kitchen cleaning. It's an open floor plan. And I would put this fucking cock ring on and be like.

Is it solid metal? Metal? Yeah. No, it's not metal, it's an open floor plan like and I would put this fucking cock ring on be like is it solid metal metal yeah that was a metal is rubber it's rubber okay metal yeah don't do people have a cock what do you steer I don't have a cock where I have a is it metal well naked Bruce at Burning Man had a metal one there we go thank you so much George George. Naked Bruce? Yeah. He would always greet you. He was one of the main people that greeted you. Right on, Naked Bruce. Yeah, right on, Bruce. So the lie they told me to get to my intervention was, my podcast was going then, boy, I got out of the podcast

at the wrong time. You guys are making money. It's like, I don't want to talk about Squatty Potty. Yeah. I did this a bunch of times, remember? Yeah, of course I did. You're one of my favorite guests I was told the next morning for the podcast at 8 a.m. I was gonna interview Wu Tang Clan

And you believe that that's how high I was I thought all of them Wu Tang Clan was coming to my house At 8 o'clock in the morning. I thought the eight blackest men alive Eight different alarm clocks. Including ODB. No, eight. I said eight. So that I could come into my cracker cracker house so I could interview them and help them

with their career, put them over the top. A little grandiose. And then how many people were there in the intervention? 10, 12. I walked in, but here's the thing. I walk in, everybody's there thing I walk in everybody's there A pot and interventions like the worst surprise party ever When you walk in you see everybody your first instinct like oh my god. Oh no

Start cursing out your grant you become like a demon. You're like you fucking old bitch You fucking lied to me you old bitch Wow, but you go nuts. It's just like they have paper. Oh, yeah They wrote something you're like, oh this is serious. But I walked in, I'm like, you guys gotta get the fuck out of here, Wu-Tang Clan's about to come over. That's insane. That's insane. You guys gotta go.

That's insane. That's insane. Yeah, and then I saw the interventionist, it was like, one of these kids is not like the other. Wow. He was an old skinhead, he had a swastika tattoo to his head. Wow.

I was like, I don't think this guy came with Wu-Tang Clan. But he was probably very direct and... He was, in hindsight, he was really like bananas. Oh really? Yeah. I knew it. I mean, my mom got sober when I was 10. So I knew it worked.

That's probably why it took me so long to do it, because I just wanted my will that much longer. So I knew it worked, because I watched my whole family's lives change. When you're in that state, are you able to really hear everyone out, or is everything sort of just like... Well, it's adderall, so it's a little like,

you know, you're like super like railed up. But I knew, like I kept so many secrets, I kept the fact that I wanted desperately to get well a secret too. So I was like privately relieved. And like I said, I were all so disappointed. I'm like, oh, I know how I can make everybody like me again. And I just agreed.

I went to an all men's rehab. It's all like Mexican gang bangers and me. Wow. Oh, relay, but don't get passed on. I mean, I put a fucking fucking bastard. I'm not a cholo. Huh? I'm not a cholo.

No, they were. I'm talking about what happened to me. I'm talking about my life right now. Oh, okay. Improv. When I went to... Jaime, you got to learn how to improvise. That was insane, dude.

Fumble! Yeah. I mean, anyway, so then... But in the intervention, when you saw everybody, because when I know it, I know. Like in my mind, I'm like, when I'm ready to get sober, I'm like, okay, this is- I was ready.

Yeah, I was ready, yeah. Yeah, and I remember, I always thought I was like a high bottom drunk or an addict, because like, I had a car, I had my girlfriend, my wife now, but it's like, my career. But if you look at my IMDB page, it's pretty obvious. You know, it's like Academy had a car, I had my girlfriend, my wife now, but it's like my career. But if you look at my IMDb page, it's pretty obvious. You know, it's like Academy, you know, Keanu Reeves, Forrest Whitaker, Al Pacino.

And then there's like this big gap and then there's like a talking dog movie. And I'm like, not even a lead dog. No, you're the, you're the receptionist at Chewy Vitan. I'm the Bark Williams masseuse. Welcome to Chewy Vitan. Like, literally. And then, yeah. So I thought I was like a high, like I'm a high bottom.

I'm not like these other guys. You know, I'm standing in line for meds in my fucking pajamas at 50. And then they changed my meds when I was in rehab because they didn't think I should be on Kalanub and Norco, Soma, Vicodin, you know, and I was like, what? Three of those are prescribed. What the fuck? Yeah. Like I need, so I had a tantrum, which I was great at, and I went back to my little twin bed and I threw myself down and they give you these big giant water bottles with the

name of the place on it, like, you know. And I was just laying in my bed crying, and I'm sucking on this water bottle, and I saw my reflection in the closet mirror, and I was bald, like skinhead bald, and I looked just like a fucking baby with a ba-ba, like, eeeh. And I saw my reflection, I was like,

well, if that's what I look like, then obviously my take on this isn't... Right. I was fucking crying, like, well, that's what I look like then obviously my take on this isn't Right. I was fucking crying like Fucking infant in a crib. Yeah, I've had hair surgery since then Yeah, yeah Hair do my did you get did you go to Turkey? No, I'm not gonna fly on a fucking plane with a bloody head for nine hours I know it's like, you know, there's also a guy up the street. Yeah, but I'll save 10 grand.

Yeah, no. Fucking get a job. I do think it's a little comical. Have you seen like the flights back from Turkey? It's just dudes with like bandaged heads. You're like who? Like what? I don't like to fly anyway.

Is it that much cheap? It's that much cheaper. And then you get the whole five star hotel experience, concierge service. And Turkish chicks, bro. Fucking Turkish chicks and a weed whacker. How do you feel about men who don't own up to hair transplants?

That's their problem, who cares? I've just always been like, this is what happened to me, so I just talk about it. Yeah, no, I love it. If I were, if Bobby, if we were still dating and your hair started to go out, I'd be like, hey, you should get him. I feel like I gotta pull up the photo of me,

fat and bald. I'd love to see it. You have hair plugs? Yeah, thanks for stopping by. Hi, May. Thanks for stopping by, Jess. I can't tell. I mean, there literally is a 20 minute lag.

Yeah, I need you to be on in sync. I'm listening. No, you're like behind, you know what I mean? Like there's no wifi or something in your body. That's his UN headset. Put it on. Yeah. Yeah.

You got hair flags? Yeah, yeah. That's me in this movie, Sweet Dreams. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you look completely different. Can I show it? I saw him there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you look completely different. Can I show it? I saw him there.

Yeah. You know when you get sober? There's no like, how about when you get sober, there's no dick pics anymore? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to panic. Yeah, when I saw him on set, I was like, is that Jay? Who, Jay ate Jay?

Yeah, let me see it, let me see it. Yeah, yeah. How are you? How about I have your corn see it. Let me see it. Yeah, yeah. How are you? How about I have your cornbread? Yeah, it's incredible. Wait, so that's just from all the cake at meetings? I just, yeah. I mean, I just did,

I was told it's gotta go spiritual, then mental, then physical. So I just worried about my spiritual first. And also if you're on Adderall, it's such like an appetite suppressant. And like, it just kinda keeps you very slim and not food obsessed. Wow. Baldi.

Wow. Damn. It's incredible. Now if I gave it to them, then you'd have a podcast. None for you, Mr. Hitler. Okay. I want to talk about Jerry Maguire. So you're on SNL.

How did you get that movie? I auditioned to be Jerry Maguire. So you're on SNL. How did you get that movie? I Auditioned to be Jerry Maguire Wow. No that no no, you're asking about Jerry Maguire, right? That's what I fucking said Okay The strength of five minutes, yeah I auditioned to be the quarterback, the Jerry McGuire, Jerry, the Jerry O'Connell. Jerry O'Connell, yeah. And I just, for some reason,

I just could not do a fucking Southern accent that day. I was like, well, I'll tell you, whoa, whoa, bleh, bleh, bleh. I just blew it. I was trying to do Anthony Clark, and then I was trying to imitate something. I'm like, my whole family is from West Texas. My mom's, so I'm like, I'm like, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. I just sounded like an idiot. And I knew I blew trying to imitate something. I'm like, my whole family is from West Texas. My mom, so I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm you know I mean like what do I know like I don't know what you guys were saying before I got here last week last week Abby's like you have to go to the director's house I go for remember that I go for what you know what yeah yeah I wish it was yeah yeah we'd be so much easier I mean I would be a lot of Listerine with 20 million I'm a fire of three, Bobby Lee. I'm blue, you know what I mean? I buy a lot of Listerine with 20 million. I'm blue because there's so much cum on my skin. Now I'm hungry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all it takes. So I'm driving to... That's all it takes to get there? There we go, he's trying. I'll listen. Faye Uheiming. He's trying.

I like it. It's interesting, when we're talking about dicks, he pops up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all it takes. That guy's a fucking mime for an hour. Literally, when I'm parking, I'm reading my part so that I don't look like an asshole. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, so anyway, so then you read the script. Yeah, so they said if you read the script, there's a part of the male nanny. Why don't you go out and read that in the hallway and come back when you're ready? So I went, all right. So the part of the male nanny, just the beauty

of the universe, he goes, he says to Tom Cruise, make sure you, I want you to use something, and he thinks he's going to hand him a condom, he hands him a cassette of live jazz. And he goes on and on about, this is Miles Davis and John Coltrane, two masters of jazz. I had that cassette. So as he's explaining the band, I knew exactly who he was talking about how who he wrote I'm like cannibal Adderley and it and Nat Adderley his brother did these two but a little bit and Miles Davis only used Tony Williams on drums because he was 18 and he wanted to be improvised. No, I knew everything He said I already knew it. Yeah, so I was like I'd all you do is mention the band Wow

And so I was like got it. They're like, all right, whatever Yeah And I went I was like bow and then I got a call back for that. And then when I did the call back for that with producers, Jim Brooks, Richard Sakai, Cameron, and everybody, I did it. And then there was like this weird quiet, where everybody's just, and I remember

Jim Brooks was standing up leaning against his desk. Like everybody else was sitting down, and he just goes, how about Sugar? And I was like, holy shit. He meant like Bob Sugar. Wow. And they're all like, yeah, yeah, like nobody wanted to bring it up.

Right, right, right. It was very awkward. Wow. And so I said, well, I, yes, but I'm not going to do that in the hallway. Can I come back next week? And they were like, yeah. It was like a Wednesday.

They said, come back next Thursday. So I was just fucking, just all I did did and then I went back and I did it and then they had me come in on a Saturday to read with Tom and I walk about that yeah oh I've never obvious I'll never meet him but I assume he's super nice one of the absolute best men I've ever met in my life I do it Cruz right we're talking about Tom Cruise yeah okay yeah I mean not the fuck out there yes Tom Cruise yeah yeah have you heard of him? no who hasn't yeah dude that's it maybe the Philippines no no we know our Tom Cruise we know and I met Tom Cruise on Filipino Tinder. Just to bring it all the way back for you.

Nice. I just saw him at the Taylor Swift concert. He's the best. Yeah. He's like a, he's the best. He's one of the greatest, right, so you show up, I assume he's just a mensch. I walk into Cameron's office, he's sitting down eating his lunch and I'm like, well there's strike one.

Wow. Like I'm interrupted in his fucking lunch. Yeah, yeah yeah. Great and he's like, how are you? Wow. You know he's like that magnet. Yeah yeah yeah. Nervous? Were you nervous? Of course. Fucking Tom Cruise man. But also you've been reading with casting directors. Mmm. You've been reading with casting directors. You've been reading with like, nudniks with offices on Ventura Boulevard. And now you're going to actually be a crud.

Like, finally an actor is going to read with me. And it's the actor in the scene. So it can only be, if you want to be great at golf, eventually you want to play with the Club Pro. Like, let's swing. Let's go. I like playing with the caddy. Yeah.

But you've been reading with people like, oh my, she's holding a cam. Like, whoa, oh my god, I can't believe. Oh, playing with the caddy. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want the problem. But you've been reading with people like, oh my, like she's holding a cam like, whoa, oh my God, I can't believe. Oh, right, right, right, right. And then now you got a guy like going. Looking at your eyes and reacting. You ungrateful. Oh, like I sickened him.

Yeah, yeah. And there was a part in that when I have two lines back to back with like a weird pause in between and He I knew in real time. They were wondering if I forgot my line We're just that's how a lot of the right. Yeah, I'm staring at each other so long yeah, and eventually I go you want it smaller and I'm just like And he's staring at me like he wants to fucking kill me. And I'm staring, and then I realize, they think I forgot my line.

He might think it, this is getting really uncomfortable. It's like a balloon filling up with air, and all I gotta do is say my line right before it pops. And I went, you want it smaller? And I felt, I was like, I got the part. Like no one's gonna sit here and have the fucking balls to just stare Tom Cruise down like, sorry, you're fired, asshole, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'd also audition like 15 times when I already knew these people. But the problem was they already had an offer out to Owen Wilson. And I didn't know any of this till years later. That's why he was like, what about sugar? So, cause he did Bottle Rocket with Jim Brooks.

So they had to rescind his offer, which never happened. Wow. That's insane. That's so crazy. So it goes to like David Mamet's book, True and False, which is like my acting Bible. It's like when you audition, it's a farce. They already know, they have a list of who they want,

you're not on it. They have a backup list, you're not on that one either. You have an overseas list, you're not on it. They have a backup list, you're not on that one either. You have an overseas list, you're not on that list. So it's just a complete fucking dog and pony bullshit show. So you have to do something where they have to rethink their lists. Wow. But he also says when you go into an audition, know that everyone in that room is your moral and intellectual inferior because at one time in their life, they wanted to do you're doing but they took the desk. I was like this motherfucker. That's a good approach.

Fucking goose bumps. Yeah. Oh my god. I never thought that. Yeah. I'm like oh I'm the bitch and they're my master. Yeah no you're working a fucking camera. Yeah well I know, yeah dude from now on dude that's what I want to thank you. Could you do that Bobby? Could you walk into a place and really believe like someone is your moral intellectual inferior?

Yeah, I mean I so I made a choice. I'm like I have to make this choice Right, that's so funny Yeah, so I'm about to piss my pants you guys talk Playa Vista By LMU on the way to LAX You still don't know I know you I don't know, I never heard of it

Marina Del Rey, go towards Lincoln Take Lincoln towards LAX You'll pass through Is it nice in the neighborhood? No, it's a shithole Play a vista What's it called? Play Bista play Bista you got it. Yeah, that's it right by Bista near the airport play Bista I was like the property of PLI

Bi Yeah, I know how it's spelled it. I just said that I Bista but I be so a lot PL PLA YA BISTA you got it. Well, I bet play a bit Spanish He knows Bobby knows I know You know it? No, vato Okay, good He's not a vato, cabrón Not a vato, bro?

Oh, chileo, chupo Wait, wait, you don't know Spanish either? I do know Spanish Say something in a sentence But he's not, yeah, he's not maybe Like, what do you want me to say? Say that? Yeah

What do you want me to say? Oh, shit Que quieres decir? say? Say that? Yeah, what do you want me to say? Oh shit. Okay, my Spanish is not that great, but I know Spanish. We believe you. Okay. How are you alive? How do you not drown when it's raining? How old are you? You could be 13, you could be 33, I have no idea. Oh, that's a harsh comment. That's harsh? How's that harsh? I don't know, I heard somewhere else. But no, I'm 28.

Yeah. And you live in Dallas. Dallas, Texas. Dallas, Texas. You're an Addison Improv or no? No. Are you a comic? Yeah. You played the Addison Improv ever? Yeah. I love that room.

What, like afternoon? Opening mic. Sunday, Monday. Opening mic. Yeah. Do you like that room? I love it. Yeah. When's the last time you played it?

Probably 18 months ago. Yeah, yeah. Do you stay at the hotel in the back of it? I always stay there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's got a little kitchen, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love it there. Yeah. You just walk there, you know. It's the best. It's the best. It's a good life. It's a dude. We have a great life People like don't you miss your kids and when you're on the road, it's like no Yeah, I just take naps and watch the catch a smuggler all day. Yeah, but first 40 you get depressed over though No, well really no, I was diagnosed

bipolar and manic depressive in the middle of my addiction Mmm, and then I got sober and turns out my biggest mental issue was on my drug addict Self-centered motherfucker. Yeah. Wow, and I here's another you get depressed about it might be a stupid question You're asking me. Yeah, is it specific? Is it situational or overall? I mean, let's talk real then. Why not? We're here, you know? What's wrong? I'm just having a good time. Yeah, I'm having a great time too. My depression has to do with, I mean, the truth is, what's going on online, when I read terrible things about myself.

Isn't it amazing if you don't read it, it doesn't exist? I know. So I stop reading. Yeah. You know, I'm quite the waterman, Bobby. Really? You are. You paddleboard, right?

Do you surf too? Fish from my paddleboard. Do you fish too? I'm going to go Thursday. Oh, come on. From the paddleboard. From the paddleboard. What are you getting at the moment?

Calico bass. I love calico bass. Oh, it's the best calico bass. I love calico bass. Are you? I love calico bass. Oh, it's the best calico bass. I love calico bass. Are you? I know calico bass. How you skin it. I got them in fly beesta.

Fly beesta. Do you skin it? Are you able to fish for other bigger fish like yellowtail or dodeca-rallo? Of course he does, sweetie. Why do you ask that question? You can, but it's not likely. Because it's also what you're using like you use a crankbait where they just kind of go The lure goes like two feet under right?

I like it like me too and so what a delicious bass white sea bass very good If you the belly is that am I not right the belly of the fat of the belly of the calico is Bobby How where was your a med TV audition? No, we're not doing this what we're not gonna fucking you're gonna sit in the other chair Whatever I save you from the no, no, there's no this bit. You mean Do you feel as though like fishing has sort of like like saved your mentals at times because for me like the oh no I had complete, um, not, I'm not trying to cut you. Yeah.

I had complete psychotic breaks on my paddleboard. Oh, God. Yeah. Like out there just in tears? I had a complete conversation with Ralphie May. No way. J-Mor, if you got a bird on your helmet, you stink. And I was like, how could you say that?

The Falcons they stink they stink J-more Wow and I was just paddling around for like 40 minutes like the Eagles you'll stink Wow and it wasn't till like years later and I'm like oh my god that was a psychotic break because he was just this is obviously after he passed? Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. That'd be funnier if like, no, he was on the next paddle board. You mean a gigantic paddle board? No, smaller.

It looked like Jabberjaw. Yeah, yes, it's funny. When you said his name, it just brought me, I mean, what a fucking loss, man. Yeah. Yeah, I try not to think about it, because if I think about it, I have to deal with the emotions of it, so I just pretend they're still around.

Stand up, how do you overcome looking at the audience? I don't know if you look at the audience. I do soft focus, like I'm looking at where your neck meets your shoulder right now. He's sensitive about his neck. But I'm looking like, all right, I'm looking at your headphone. Like right here?

But it looks like I'm looking right in your eye. I just do that. Here's what I could answer, though. Sure. Is that for me or? Yeah, you're a comic too, right? What I tell young guys is, this works works for me is I try to lock eyes with The front row. Oh, I hate that I

Can't it's like too personal weird like and everybody's doing crowd work now. Yeah. Yeah, it's like I'll tell you why I'm embarrassed I tell you why you're doing it's like I don't know. I'll tell you why it works for me then Jay What's that why I do it? Yeah, please do because I'm so scared that I if I look at their eyeballs And I connect with them right it just shows because I feel like I'm not an alpha male And I feel like it kind of exerts my dominance almost like I'm not afraid You know I like that and so you know once I do that I'm fine if I don't connect like some of these stadium things that sometimes they go like the price are fully fully You know, I mean, it's like there's no way to connect

So you're just kind of like eating it in the first couple of minutes I feel like yeah, you know, I mean, so it's like that's what I do. I I try to lock eyes That's when you play to just like sections. Yeah, like if you just I just picture like bubbles bubbles Yeah, yeah, it's like having a massive net with like thousands of fish in it and you just He's got to bring it in with most of the fish in the net Yeah, yeah, it's hard to even know if you're doing well I'm what you said about being an alpha male letting them know you're not an alpha male made me think like maybe I'm afraid to make eye contact

Because people assume I'm an alpha male and if they make eye contact with me, they'll be on to me. Ah I'm really not. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. So you don't think you are an alpha male? I guess I have to go by like other people following me into situations so I guess I am like in the program I'm obviously... You're an alpha male. A guy who has to declare he's an alpha male is unlikely the alpha male so it's a good sign that you don't outwardly say I I'm the alpha, because I feel like that's a very beta thing to say. If there was a zombie apocalypse, like right now,

like you would probably. I got you. It'd probably go you. I got you. And then you. And then you. In terms of like, and then maybe, you're tied with Gilbert. No, you're dead.

You're a zombie, dad. What are the circumstances? Like what's going on? I'm just saying. For survival? Or for leadership? Leadership. We're in a compound, we're a zombie, dead. How long? What are the circumstances? Like what's going on? For survival? No, I'm just saying, no. Or for leadership? Leadership, we're in a compound, we're trying to survive together.

I think automatically, I think just what I would do, I mean, I would pretend I was like vice president or whatever, but to me it's like I'm like useless, right? But my point is that, but I would always go to Jay, right? And go, like I would be like his little henchman. Yeah, because you're a little too loud. They'd find us very easy. Oh, fuck you.

He's a survivalist. You know how to fish. Calmer demeanor. Yeah, yeah. Nobody's ever said that about me. I'm so happy right now. I've had a psychic change. The program works.

Yeah, it doesn't work. You believe that? That you and I would be sitting together, and a beautiful girl would go, you know, because you're like mellow Like who would ever I know, you know, I mean, yeah, that's fucking, that's Tasmanian devil this guy. Oh, it used to be.

I know, not now. Here's what I know. I know that when there's a big situation, I let everybody do the fucking, and then at the end I'll go. Or, you know what I mean? There's only one way to win a dick swinging contest and that's not to play. Wow, so basically I would be like, all right. You guys fucking argue and then I'd be like. Or George, you get the boards, you do like this.

Food later, food later, right, right? Where's the antibiotics? We're gonna need that. And then he comes at the end and then I'm gonna be like, oh yeah, yeah, that too. Yeah, okay, I get it, yeah, yeah. So you would wait. Yeah, but I still think that you would. Why, if there's zombies coming,

I might speak up a little quicker. Yeah, yeah, that's true, that's true. We'll just push him in the doorway and, you know. We would offer him up. That'd be feasting for days. I don't love this kid. I've watched a zombie movie, so I think I'll survive. So yeah. I'll push. Can I ask you about zombie movies real quick? You never see,

you only see able-bodied zombies. My point is is that in zombie movies, it's zombie, no listen, in zombie movies right it's like normal you know I mean able-bodied average people get bit they become average You never see like a zombie in a wheelchair. Yeah, that's what I'm saying or like a dwarf zombie You never see a zombie going. Yeah, you never see a zombie going like You never see it's always just average zombies what happens happens to everyone else? That's good. Like the one with giganticism When did trans start happening? That's my question Cuz if we're gonna go

I got a new job Like I grew up in New Jersey in the 70s, yeah like trans Yeah, exactly. Like what happened like in New Jersey in the 70s. Yeah. Like, trans. Yeah, exactly. Like, what happened, like, in the old days, it was like, what happened to, like, just jerking off into your mom's pantyhose and going back to coaching Little League like a man? You know what I mean? Like, where's Mr. Pignatello?

He'll be here in a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, all, like, there was no, it did not exist. Do you think because it's, because people were afraid to come out that way or no? But this isn't just coming out. This is I was born with the wrong gender. Trans. Very specific. But even if they're born with the wrong gender,

they're just afraid to speak up because of society, don't you think? That's a shame. I know. I think they were scared. That's the fucking worst. The fact that you even have to come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, why can't I just... I just want people have to come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want people to be.

Right. I'm really like into the issues. We had a guy, we were riding our bikes, you know your parents are like, stay away from this guy, it's like stranger danger, he might be a pederast. I remember we were riding our bikes from another town, there was like six of us, and there was a guy in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot jacking off and we so wrapped we were 10 years old. We surrounded his car like And then he was like and he put the car and he drove away and we followed him Like come on jerk off man

Like we were 10 years old. Wow, yeah. It was like the funniest thing. The funniest thing, yeah. This guy's fucking jerking off. Yeah, yeah. You don't think they would do that now? No, now it's like there's a whole meat.

Like, my son's school, like if a kid hurts another kid's feelings, there's like a fucking Zoom that night with all the parents to talk about the core values of the school and what we could do better as parents. It's like, yeah, I mean, my theory is this and, and I'm probably wrong, but I look back on my life and you know, my dad used to beat the shit out of me, molested all that stuff. Right. But I wouldn't change any of it because it's like number one, I'm sober, right? Number two, I overcame certain things. I became resilient when it comes to like, being in San Diego in 95, not knowing how standup worked, and just showing up, signing up,

and just actually doing it. And I don't think that if I had the fucking history that I had, I would do that. I just kind of overcame a lot of things. And so, I mean, not that, I think bullying's fucked up or whatever. We were both molested by every. You were too? You too?

There was a guy, I didn't know it's, you too. I didn't know it till later in life. Like he used to just, he'd come home from like, his like school. Yeah, yeah. Like he lived at the school. Yeah.

He lived down the street from me. Yeah. I don't want to laugh, I'm sorry. And then... What kind of? What? What kind of? Like Down syndrome.

Okay. And he had a whistle. That's the best kind by the way. That's how... Yeah. Yeah, very good. He had a whistle. That's how we knew he was home. Stevie. He'd be like, and we're like, uh-oh. We had to run away because he would always pick us up by our balls.

Oh, he was a strong one. Oh, yeah. They're all strong. Herculane. By the way, I thought of you last night when I was bowling. I saw a Chinese guy with Down syndrome. And I remember you guys were having a conversation like, no, they don't exist.

I'm like, no, I saw him. He was obsessed with the ceiling fan. It was amazing. His mom has to snap him out of his bowl. He was just like. Wait, does mom have an accent or no? I don't know, I couldn't hear that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this guy would go, whee, like do his whistle, and me and my friends would all be like, uh-oh. Cause it was like over and over. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Always grabbing us by our dicks and getting us up over his head. Was it sexual or more aggressive? It was, I mean, I don't know if it could be unsexual,

but it was definitely more aggressive like party time, but it was, there's something sexual about it, obviously, otherwise you'd pick us up by our arms. Right, right, right, right. And so we ran up, it was a dead end street in Verona, New Jersey. We ran up the street to my friend Todd's house, and we went in his house, into his basement,

and there was an L couch with a liquor, like just a table, but the table had a solid front, like that black cloth, that wood. But if you went under the couch, you could like hang out behind it. Whoa. And that's where we were. 20 minutes later.

Fuck, like he's noodling for catfish. Wow, wow. Like when they noodle for catfish. Like just drag this out by our fucking balls. That's so funny. And I got little nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

Like I don't have big hangers on me. Wow. I was like, oh, that's not good. But like, I'm like, like it never dawned on me. Yeah. That that was like, oh, poor me. It's like, no, thated on me that that was like, oh, poor me. It's like, no, that's just growing up.

Yeah, survival. Yeah. You need that thing, you need it. Yeah. There was a kid, I don't know if I brought this up again, it just reminded me. This is the best. This is the best.

So I was living in Minnesota, and I can't say his name, because I know his full name, his name was D***. Oh, Jesus. Because I want people to know, right? And we hung out every day, and one day he looks at me at a park, we're in a park, and he goes, can you kiss me? And I'm like, what the fuck, guy?

I didn't say that, I probably went, what? They kissed me, and I kissed him. That's how much need, how needy I was. French. Yeah, I think it was his tongue too. How old were you? I'm about eight or nine years old, I remember. How old was he, 30?

No, he was at the same age. And I remember it happened for a whole year where he would want to kiss me. And then one day I just went to my dad, I'm like, I think I told my dad, and he goes, forever, forever, see you again. That's what he said. And I never really hung out with him again.

But you guys would kiss every day for a year? Yeah, we'd kiss a lot. Yeah, yeah. That's sweet. Because I liked him so much. And instinctually, I think back then, I didn't know the word, but he was gay. Yeah, of course. Was he like, so were you guys a fish?

Like you guys dated at eight years old? He was your first boyfriend. A whole year of kissing, Bobby. That's eight year old boyfriend. That's like 12 months. That's a full 12 months. 12 months of kissing. Yeah, I chalk it up as, you know, I'm so needy.

I'm willing to do anything for them. Where do I fit in? Who do I fit in with? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's sweet. I'm willing to do that. I have to detriment to my own. Yeah, exactly.

How I feel about myself. I. At the detriment to my own- Yeah, exactly. How I feel about myself, I will make the sacrifice to fit in at least with this one person. Dude, I want you to be my sponsor. I know you have a lot, but I'm just saying, I'm going to call you more often. I wish you would. Because I get in pickles, dude. Me and this kid, Eddie, used to blow each other when we were 10. I love it.

I love it. Eddie? Yeah. He's like, do you know what a blowjob is? And I'm like, yeah, but I didn't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thought a blowjob was when you went. Yeah. Yeah. Which doesn't, which probably doesn't feel bad. That's my dream job. Yeah. Yeah. Like summertime, the air conditioning is out like, Denise, did you call the blowjob guy? Just going to the desk? Yeah, yeah. Never have to touch anybody? Yeah, that'd be great.

Oh, the best, right? Yeah, yeah. And so then he showed me, and I was like, oh, this is, this is. Well, he did it to you. Yeah, and then he goes, now you do it to me. I'm like, no, that's crazy. Did you?

Eventually, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, no, I do it to you, then you do it to me. I'm like, that doesn't even make sense. Now even you telling that story, like I know a lot of comics that would never say it or people, yeah, but when I look at my past and I do things like that, there's no shame attached to it for some reason. No, like kids are so important.

Like Jaime, do you have experience like that? Oh no. Yeah, yeah. I have not. Interesting. So that guy Eddie, you know what he does now. What does that he do chief of police? How do you put my headlights on it I drive as fast as I want to Like what are you gonna pull me over that's cool

Well, listen do me a favor go back to your squad car and let chief Eddie know that you got me He's gonna be like don't ask him any questions and let chief Eddie know that you got me. He's gonna be like, don't ask him any questions. That's insane. So Jay. Wait, I have one more. Go ahead. Follow up question to that.

Did you guys do that like frequently? Cause I mean, I'm sure it felt so good. Well, that's why there's shame. Wow. Feels good. Yeah. That's the root of shame when you're molested. It feels good.

Yeah. And for me, like the worst part is starting to feel this attraction to the person. When you're molested? Mm-hmm. Great. It's like it's crazy. It's crazy.

You know what I mean? Now that you're an adult with kids, it's like, who? Yeah, it's insane. Yeah. You must also look at your kids. I remember when I was 11 doing math, but I look at 11-year-olds now and I go, holy fuck, I was young.

Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I look at kids, I go, I was that fucked up at that age. But you were saying you get this, I'm using the word perverse, not like it's perverted, but it's the definition of per,

like, coming at a weird angle. Yeah. Like you grow to be attracted to your... Yeah, you grow to be attracted to the person who hurts you because you just have a very limited understanding of what's happening outside of like, oh, this feels good. Yeah.

You know, so the embarrassment or the shame of it is, cannot be defined when you're young. It's not until later and where it like, then you're a fucked up adult and you're like, oh fuck, like now I can make sense of what happened. It really is gross. You're like, ew,, I have a crush on who my older family member Who's doing this to me is like so like you can't make sense of it when you're a kid. Yeah, you're You're pretty well adjusted. That's cool. Sometimes. No, I'm still very like deeply unwell, but some parts some parts are okay

But you're a great girl I'm sorry. I learned a great girl. Thank you. I'm telling you, I learned more about the two of you in that eight minutes I watched on YouTube of you guys doing the- Oh, the cut? The cut. It was so beautiful, how honest you were.

I mean, come on. You hate compliments, don't you? I hate them. Why's that? Yeah, why, are you? Well, it's my whole existence. Like, pat me on the head, let me know I'm a good guy. Alcoholic mom, I don't get enough attention from dad.

Yeah. Every guy in the program is just a surrogate father that I'm trying to please. It's gross when I do it. It's like, you know. That's a really good question because you are someone who is like an approval addict. Yeah.

But you do really have a hard time with compliments. I want, he wants approval on his terms. Yeah. Oh. Like, it was, I catch myself doing it too, so Saturday night, I had a pretty good set. But there was a couple of, you know what I mean, jokes that didn't hit, whatever,

and so I had some people after the show going, dude, you were so funny, and I caught myself going, yeah, it was all right, man, it was weird, you know what I mean? And they're like, they don't know, like, shut the fuck up, dude. I know, I do that a lot. Shut the fuck up, dude. Just say, thanks, man, and move on, dude.

Well, you will, you'll get better at it. I want to because it's gross when I catch myself doing it. It is what it is. I think the difference between actors and comedians, actors are look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me. Comedians are look at me, look at me, not now though. Now look at me, now stop looking at me. Now look at me again, now don't look at me.

Wow, why is that? Oh, who knows? For me, it's just I need attention. Now stop looking at me. Yeah. Now look at me again. Yeah. Now don't look at me. Wow. Why is that? Who knows? For me, it's just I need attention. Yeah, yeah. I need that affirmation. Think about being a drug addict in comedy. I get applause on my way to work.

When you're walking to the stage, they're so happy to see you. Yeah. They're like, fuck. Oh my god. Like imagine if you guys came in here to set up the mics and there's 100, two, three, 400 people going, yeah! Fuck, oh my, yeah! Yeah, dude!

And then if I talk for an hour, we've agreed on the time, if you talk while I'm talking, you get thrown out. Do not fucking interrupt me or there's gonna be a situation. There's a staff of people whose job it is to make sure you don't fuck up me talking. When I'm done talking, I get a standing ovation, then I sit alone in a hotel for 21 hours. Damn, yeah.

That's crazy. It's crazy. Of course we're drug addicts. It gets real quiet in those hotels in Albany. It gets sad too. Why sad? It's just like, you're mean. It's a mess in there. I'm good at home.

The hotel, sometimes they have chips and stuff. You're open up these you're me. Yeah, they go downstairs like I think my mini bar Yeah, but it's always like mom and pop chip places too. So like the chip is like hard or whatever. Yes. Never like Yeah, yeah, it's always like Denise's chip Made with love it shut up shut up shut up. Yeah, that way they sadly farm These are made with love and shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Yeah. That way they say family farm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You go to like whole foods. You know what? You know what? The bananas and whole foods never are yellow. They're never yellow.

Ever. Should I get a yellow banana? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, no, but these are grown. Shut up. Shut up. Yeah. I want this meat has no antibiotics. Like I don't want to get bronchitis on my meat. Like shoot mine up yeah

yeah give me the steroid it out burger yeah I'm Jay I think you do you I just feel like there's gonna be a huge J more how about coming how about the grand ironies it happens when I could care less you spend your whole life chasing it yeah and then you reach this like exhale this nirvana the definition of being of nirvana being hmm and I mean but dude uh bro you know as well as I do you get into a program like we're in hmm and you actually help guys change their lives and get free of the bondage of self and then your agents like you want to put yourself on tape for this you're like not really

Yeah, like that sounds stupid. So I gotta put you know put yourself on tape. Like what am I? What am I a fucking? Put myself on tape guy. No, I couldn't think of What am I fucking Doug Lyman? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what am I filming the born identity? Am I goddamn fucking? There's a ping-pong table in my room. Yeah, like how am I gonna take it out in this garage how many times so yeah I was call him and I have to look at I got to it again right I'm the judge and jury yeah yeah it's a nine-hour event and then you're like oh why'd my eye get crooked right there stupid things yeah yeah yeah like that's what I look like yeah look like an

idiot although lately I'm just doing one or two and I'm like fuck it Fuck it, right. Yeah, I don't care. But it's like if I if I'm the guy filming me To do this part. I let me just save everybody some time. I'm not gonna get it. Yeah, this is idiotic Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I like the whole I like that dog and pony show. Mm-hmm. Like here comes the next guy Oh, you like that? Well yeah, because we're comics. We talk, we break balls. The guy's in the waiting room, we're like, he's been in there forever.

Oh right. And you're like, I haven't even started yet. I'm just like, oh really? Yeah, you ever try this place? Yeah, oh yeah? Hey, look at the other guy. Right, you killed before. Yeah!

Yeah, you killed before. And then you leave and they're like, he was great. He was a terrible actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He made us feel nice. But Jay, I want you to keep putting yourself on tape. All right. You do it for what? You got something for me? Oh, dude, you don't, if the shit that I got going, no audition. I could play an Asian. No, I'm writing stuff that's just kind of just regular. Dude, the shit I got going, dude, you're no read, dude. The shit I could go on, dude? No read, dude. Offer all day.

Yeah, yeah. Alright, give Jay a round of applause. Fucking amazing. I love it. That's all. Alright, so how about this? No, no, no. I got a call from Springfield. They said, hey, they only got 40 tickets sold the whole weekend. Would you mind canceling? I said, not at all.

So I'm off for the summer. You don't have to do any of that. Okay. But that is, my Instagram's jmorr37. Yeah, that's, Jay, that's fucking criminal. It's all on my fist tip. Yeah, it's fucking criminal, dude. No, we're gonna, yeah, I know what I'm gonna do. And I give Jay another round of applause.

Woo! That's fucking brilliant. ["Sukhumvit"] Thank you for watching!