TigerBelly - John Lovitz Knows Bobby’s Horrible in Bed

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

The one and only John Lovitz joins us. Jared Goldstein tries to seduce him. We talk tiny dick bits, bipolar alcoholics, Hollywood bombs, Katherine Hepburn, the SNL cast, scissoring, and Happy Gilmore 2. Start paying rent through Bilt and take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to www.joinbilt.com/belly. That’s www.joinbilt.com/belly. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you: www.joinbilt.com/belly  to sign up for Bilt today. That’s www.helixsleep.com/belly for 27% Off Sitewide. Exclusive for listeners of TigerBelly. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you! 

Music I'm gonna go no cats. If you want to hear Bobby playing piano, then you can take a look. Oh my god, that's gorgeous. John, love it. Hi. We've known each other for so long. What? I was... What's wrong?

I was doing that, having a keyboard in my pocket. Wait, you were thinking about doing that? Just like, you know, but you haven't done it yet? No. I'm doing it with Charlotte McKinney. Yeah, she's very pretty. Yes. Yeah.

Are we starting this? It's already started, yeah. You want to start over? What the fuck is your problem? Do you want to start over or what? Yeah, I mean, I started. No, but your energy already is fucked. You're a dead man, Bobby Lee.

I'm a dead man. I didn't know we started. You didn't say anything. Oh, that's, well, okay, I'll just song over. If you want to wear headphones, I guess so. Yeah. That doesn't mean you started. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Apparently, apparently it does.

Yeah, can you talk more into the mic? You're a professional. You're a pro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently, it does. Yeah, can you talk more into the mic? You're a professional. You're a professional. I know we started, you and I. It is fun to negotiate with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very cool. I looked at you and I thought you were falling asleep.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Take the ghost away? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we were starting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was that an Asian reference, the falling asleep thing? No. Ha ha ha ha. When we're starting. Was that an Asian reference, the falling asleep thing? No. Yeah, yeah.

How can you tell when Joe Koi is sleepy? You can't! Exactly, dude. So I want to say to you, John. What? Oh, hi. Hello, Bob. Hi. John? What? Hi. Hello, Bob.

Hi, so John, over the years, you've been so kind to me. Yeah, right? You have. You've been so nice to me. Up the last 20 years, you've been so nice to me. And I couldn't believe that you hadn't done my podcast yet, so I got your number through Spade. And now here you are.

I didn't know you had one. You know. There's very. Really? No, and then I, no, the only thing I saw was, which is famous, you with Brian. Callan. Callan, yeah.

About what? About that guy molesting you when you were eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I was thinking about that. And I'm like, well, did you go to his house? No, it was like a shack. Yeah, okay, so you went to the shack. Yeah, yeah.

So the question is, after the first time it happened, why did you keep going back to the shack? Because of the candy. My parents didn't give me candy. You like candy? Some candy is irresistible. It's like blood diamonds. I'm not you, I'm not falling for that one.

What do you mean? You think I'm gonna offer you candy and then molest you? You just did. No, no, no, offer you candy and then molest you? You just did! No, no, no. I would never molest you, John. Great. Good. What? Good, right? Let's get that out there. Did you hear about the Jewish pedophile? No.

Little girl, wanna buy some candy? No. Go on. That's the joke. Oh, that is a funny joke. Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy. Little girl, you wanna buy some candy? Yeah. Wow. Bobby, you wanna introduce the room?

Everyone here? Jared Goldstein, he's a comic. I am. He's half Asian. I am. Yeah, he's very funny. Like from the waist up. Oh God.

Okay, I'm gonna molest you. Get ready. Yeah. We've got some guy from the attack.. Okay, I'm gonna molest you. Get ready. We've got some guy from the attack. He's half Asian. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought he was a person. Oh, my God. I'm not molesting you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

I'm not molesting you. I didn't know I was into a hive of racism. I just see people, but you, you know what you see? I'm Asian. Those little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Letterbox, I see everything in letterbox. Practically blind. Yeah.

Yours is IMAX, mine's letterbox. You know what's funny is when you're, you know, a kid, like you were, you don't know. I used to think that. You don't know what? Well, you don't know. I used to think that. You don't know what? Well, you don't know anything. I know. There was a kid in seventh grade and he was like, I go, why are you so tan?

You know, and it wasn't a black kid, but he was dark, really dark as a black. Yeah. I go, I didn't understand. I was 12. I didn't understand. And he goes, well, my mother left me in the sun when I was a baby. Wow.

But now that I think back on it, he was probably from India. His parents, I didn't know. Or I thought Asian people, I thought they looked out and they'd see the inside of their eyelids, and they couldn't see. Because their eyes were half down. Yeah, yeah yeah but that's when you're a kid yeah as a kid now I know it's not yeah we have no but do

you know what I mean yeah I know a guy he actually lit the actress Elizabeth Berkeley her brother told me anyway she's Jewish you know yeah anyway he went as a college Jewish okay anyway he went to Northwestern University so he gets there and his roommate he goes I've never seen a Jewish guy before he goes oh and he goes where are your horns? He goes what? Yeah where are your horns? And he wasn't kidding. Wow. The ignorance. Did you cry? Did I cry? Yeah. No, it's so stupid that people, but people, there's just all these myths about people. I know. Like the little dick thing with the Asians.

Okay. You have only yourself to blame for that one. I saw you on stage in my comedy club And you were hilarious, but you were doing jokes about that yourself, about yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perpetuate that. And I was crying laughing, you were just me mass painting. Me, me, me, me.

Remember? And it was like, I was, oh my God. Yeah, thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very nice. There's not a lot of comedians that are actually funny. Do you really believe that? Yeah.

Okay. They say funny things, but are they funny people? Intrinsically funny people. Yeah, there's not a lot. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo I like that. Right, that's a comedian. Like Jaime right here is a Mexican comic. Not that you're not. Okay, I've tried to. Not that you guys aren't, I'm just saying that you're really,

I've always been, I'm a big fan because you're genuinely funny. Oh, thank you so much. You're funny, you're just funny. You're funny too. I know. This is Jaime, he's from Texas. Almost in Mexico.

He's also Mexican in terms of his heritage. Mexican Jew. Yeah. Jaime. Are you Jewish? terms of his heritage. Mexican Jew. Yeah. Jaime. Are you Jewish? Yeah yeah yeah. And Jared's Jewish as well. Goldstein is his last name. Are you? Yeah. I am. Also I loved your episode of Friends. Two against three against one how do you feel? Yeah. Give him the compliment again. I loved your episode of Friends. Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you. And I loved your little Nicky. Oh, thank you.

Well, thanks, fellas. I mean, what a career you've had. Yeah, you know, I'm just trying to keep it going. But why? Why? Because it's fun. I know, but what I'm saying. Plus you get in that mode of like, oh, if I do this and I'll get this and instead of...

And then you go, can I just enjoy what I'm doing? Yes. But you've already gotten it all. But it never feels like it. I know, but you have. You won the lottery already. Not in my mind. I know. And that's the thing I struggle with. It's like, what's my next thing? You know what I mean? Oh, I gotta get this to get this. Well, I mean, it helps to go like, yeah, you've succeeded,

but that doesn't mean then you wanna quit. It's not like an athlete, they would keep playing but their body breaks down, otherwise they wouldn't quit. It's fun, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's fun. Are you doing a lot of standup on the road? Yes, I am. I started doing it...

This is better. I started doing it, is this better? I started doing it when, 21 years ago. Yes you have. At the Lafayette. I remember. Yeah I'm going back East for a week and doing shows in theater. I'm gonna be starting to do some shows with Andrew Dice Clay. Wow that'd be fun. It was his idea. Yeah starting to do some shows with Andrew Dice Clay. Whoa, that'd be fun. It was his idea.

Yeah, how do you feel about Andrew? Do you like him? I like him very much. He's very, you know, he says it probably, but he's from Brooklyn and everything, but the Dice is, you know him. It's a character. He's, ironically, people got mad at him for it.

And he's like, but I'm making fun of people like that. Yes, yes, yes. And he's a very nice guy. And as a person, he's the nicest guy. Very nice. Yeah. Yeah, and he loves to talk. And the more, yeah.

Yeah. He's funny. If you go on his Instagram Yeah. Hey, he's funny. Yeah. If you go on his Instagram, in mind we've been doing some stuff together, and it's really funny. Well, see, that's what got me going about you doing this, is because I saw clips with you and Andrew. It's his idea.

It was very combative as well. I like the combativeness. So I thought to myself, I'm gonna get John on, you know what I mean? But you're not really that combative with me because there's a different kind of relationships here. I can be if you'd like. No, I don't. No, I don't.

I like the nice John. You know, you've always been nice and warm and tender. When you fucked, is it soft? Okay, good. You know, I'm kind of glad you said that. Because I wanted to get back to the candy. First of all, that was one of the funniest things ever. But I thought about it. And I go, why would you keep going back?

You could have said, no, I'm not going to the shack. And then the kid, how old was he? I don't remember, maybe in his 30s? In his 30s? Yeah. So you like older men? Is that the point? No.

Am I missing the point? No, you're not missing the point. Here's what happened. And you keep going back. I know, but John, all right. At no point did you go, ow, ow! I know, John. Ow! What I'm gonna say to you is,

the coming back thing was the joke part of it. The cum on the back? No, no, no, the cum on the back. I never said cum on the back. You just said the cum in the back. No, no, going back to him, seeing him, I saw him one time and it happened, but in the podcast, I made it seem like

I went every day for a summer for the joke. Oh, so you were joking. Yes. Oh, so we did. It's not just every day after school, I was like, I'm gonna go to. Oh, because it seemed like you were serious. And it was one of the funniest.

It's still one of the funniest things ever. Steve Harvey liked it, you know, when I ran into him. He likes it. Well, then when you go, I was brutally molested. Yeah, yeah, every day. Adding information. It's like. Things ever. Yeah, Steve Harvey liked it, you know, when I ran into him, he likes it. Well, then when you go, I was brutally molested. Yeah, yeah, every day. Adding information. It's like, stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't laugh, and then, of course, you bring everything you can. Yeah, sure, it's the magic of podcasting, I guess. So it happened once. Yeah, one time. Were you ever molested, John? No. Okay.

Why? I don't know. I wasn't cute enough. I'm a lester. That's the part. No. Judd are you singing? I like girls. I just don't understand like, you know, the 16, 17 year old guys in college and they have some hot teacher and they're having sex and they arrest the teacher. You know that that guy is high, all of his friends are high fiving him. He goes, it was the best time of my life. Are you dammit?

He goes, what dammit? What are you kidding me? I, it was the best time of my life. Yeah. Did she take advantage of you? No. Yeah. No, I wanted to, I guarantee you.

I gave her an apple. None of them, they're all like, oh. Yeah. I join, are you seeing it? I mean, I get that it's wrong for the adult. Am I seeing anyone? No. Yeah, yeah, why?

Why? Because I've seen you with beautiful women for the adult. Am I seeing anyone? No. Why? Why? Because I've seen you with beautiful women in the past. Yes. Yes. Are you taking a break from? I take a little break, yeah. That was just never working out. It was just too...

Selfish? It was just too upsetting. What was upsetting about it? That it wasn't working out. Oh, I see. What do you think the problem is, John? You think it's her? out. Oh, I see. What do you think the problem is, John? You think it's her? Yeah.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Okay, the last one. Let's see, what was the problem? I'm messy, she's a bipolar alcoholic. No, I think it was me. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe you choose different. I try. What do you mean?. I try. What do you mean? Go to church. No, I go to church. Yeah. Oh, really?

And what church? What? You mean what religion? You talking about Catholic? No, Christian. Christian. Yeah. You talking about Jesus Christ?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I know you people kill them, but. Okay. First of all, do you, do you want to be like Jesus? Well then, maybe you should go to temple because he was Jewish. Yes. And when he was 13, he had a bar mitzvah. They go, we don't know what happened to him after he was 12. Well, okay. Let me explain something to you. If he, if he was a rabbi, which he was, which means teacher,

the only way you can be a rabbi is you have to have a bar mitzvah, so they cut that part out. So when he was 13, that's when you have a bar mitzvah. So if you really wanna be like him, you should be Jewish. No, I'm just saying. You're in a theological discussion. I don't wanna get into a theological discussion. What I'm asking you is-

You're the one who's been- I know, because there's a lot of single women in church. He always liked this. He brings something up and then goes, well, I wasn't talking about it. What I'm saying to you, John, is that there's a lot of single women at church and they're good girls, right? And maybe you could like, maybe lie and go, I'm not curious. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like the wedding crashers be like a church crash.

Yeah, church crashers. That's a movie, let's do it. You got the money from this podcast. Yeah. Get the financing. Yeah. Let's talk about what you're looking for in a woman. Can we do that? Build, build, build, build, B-I-L-T, build.

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Sometimes I do, because I want to experience every sleep experience. Yes, wow. Right? Yeah, twice a night. Sometimes three times. Three times. You know how hobbits have a second breakfast?

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Once again, that's 27% off site wide exclusive for listeners of Tiger Belly. Helixsleep.com slash belly. Helixsleep on your back. Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about what you're looking for in a woman. Can we do that? Sure. Okay. So she needs to be- Well, it doesn't exist. Not in my life, not in LA, sane.

Okay. They forget that. Yeah. Nice, funny, and sexy. Okay. I'm sitting right here. Oh Lord. He is all those things.

He just happens to have a penis. Who cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a shminis. Yeah. Are you planning on, are you going to be a lady boy? For you. Yeah, yeah. Would you gonna be a ladyboy? For you. Yeah, yeah. Would you ever be a ladyboy just for Halloween or whatever?

I'd go to Thailand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's wrong? Are you uncomfortable? No. Yeah, yeah. He's just joking. He's a comic. You know what I mean? He's not really hitting on you, John. Yeah, that's the ticket. That's the ticket. Yeah, yeah's the ticket. That's the ticket.

So you're looking for nice, funny, not sane, and hot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Huh. I think they're in the south, like Nashville. That's right. Florida, they're not. I think they're in Ohio. Ohio. Midwest. Not in La Siente because all the women here come here to get famous.

Right. Whores. Yeah, whores. Well, do you want to hear a funny story? We love stories. So I've been playing tennis since I'm eight. So I was lensing a pic called by my stepmother's neilie with Dan Accorate and Kim Basinger and I was on Saturday Night Live at the time.

I did have my place in Los Angeles so I was staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Great producer Jerry Weintraub, legendary producer. Anyway, I wanted to play tennis. So the teacher there was Wimbledon champion Alex Olmedo. Marvelous man from Peru. We became very close friends, like a father figure. Anyway, so he was at the, I was there for like 12 weeks doing this movie. And so we became very close. So Alex would tell me stories about,

at the Beverly Hills Hotel, like he used to play tennis with Catherine Hepburn and all the movie stars. So he told me a story where, he said this 19 year old girl came by the tennis court and he just finished his lesson with Catherine Hepburn and she came by to I guess book a lesson and he goes she was very pretty and addressed in 19 and about 19 years old. Okay. I guess Catherine Hepburn said what do you do? She goes I want to be an act an actress Do you have any advice and he said Katherine like yelled at her goes? Yeah, don't be a whore learn how to act Wow Wow

You're the girl and now you're you're the girl That's an interesting story. Well, you know, most of the people here, they say they want to act and stuff. I realized early, I grew up here in the valley here, you know. Yeah, I know you did. You're a Groundlings guy too. Yes. Yes.

And uh. I'm Bell Rose? Yes. Yes. I've done kind of everything and um. Yeah, Lynn Stewart, who was Miss Yvonne and Peewee Herman, I don't know if you remember the prettiest lady in Puppetland, she sadly passed away in a memorial for her yesterday.

Oh no. Go ahead. Anyway, you would have loved her. But anyway, what the hell. Anyway I realized quickly that most of the people that say they want to come here to want to act or be a comedian or whatever, they don't want to do the work. They just want to be famous. Be famous.

Yeah, or hang out at Starbucks. I don't know if I want to be famous. You know, I could be. Yeah. Oh, really? So it's up to you. You're just choosing to be in Starbucks instead of on the set making 20 million. You have that power, that's pretty amazing. So, so, you go, what are you doing for your career? You know, are you in acting class? No man, this town's film.

You either have it or you don't. You know, are you doing any plays? No, it's film, you know, theater, no. I go, so what are you doing for your career? I'm doing it, I'm hanging in Starbucks and drinking my latte. Well good luck to you, you illusional fuck. Fucker and cock.

They don't do the work, you know? And so your competition is 10% of the people that come here. But those 10%, as you see, work their ass off. Well you have to, it's a competition. Well you have to, you have to keep getting better. Right. And that's also why I keep doing it, I enjoy getting better. Yes.

And I'm doing stuff now, I didn't know anything when I started, I didn't know, I just knew I wanted to be an actor and I did plays in high school. Yeah. I went to Harvard High School and they had an all-girls school, Argyle. And I did a play in 11th grade, The Man Who Came to Dinner. And I had three parts.

And I came out on stage and I was like the third lead. So everyone's applauding. Then I came out and the crescendo and the applause was crazy. So I get to college and my teacher goes, what? Acting class, right? I'm all excited. He goes, all right, I want to go around the room and ask everybody why they want to be an

actor yeah so then they go well you know for the art and let's do that now you go for it we're all actors and we'll come to you I'll tell you what I say yeah why would you like to be the teacher Gilbert okay yeah go to go to Jared oh that's my junior year My junior year. Oh wow. You look like Jared. You look like Jared. Dude, you're the same guy.

What the fuck, Jared's your son. Oh my God. Well that's a clerical scene. 1974. Wow, all right, so ask Gilbert. Everyone had long hair. All right. Be an actor studio kind of actor.

All right, Jared, what do you want to be? I just want to go to Starbucks and get a latte and be famous. Oh, OK. Bobby? I want to, what was the question? Why do I want to become an actor? Why do you want to be an actor? I want it because of the craft.

Oh, wow. I like to sink in into characters and know the motivation. And also, I like conflict. I also like levity. I like expressing myself through my own trauma through the work of acting. That's an artist right there. Thank you so much.

Mexican? Yes, I have a name. Yeah, what's your name? My name? Danny. My name is Danny Crane. Ah, me llamo Gilbert. Why do you want to be an actor?

Oh, my dad's Danny Crane. Okay. John? John Lovitz. Yes. Why do you want to be an actor? For the applause. Yeah, yeah. Honest. That's honest. No, my, and the teachers, I appreciate your honesty, but you have to have another reason. Yeah. And I said, why? It's great, it's the best feeling in the world. It really is. Oh, it is. Yeah, because I used to feel invisible when I walked into a room before.

I would walk into a bar when I was 21, I wasn't doing anything. And I just felt like no one saw me. They didn't. First of all, you're little. Oh, because I'm little. Secondly, it's dark. Yeah.

And third, your eyes were probably closed. All right. You went and sleepied. Yeah, yeah, that's a sort of problem. No one sees me. It doesn't work like that. Yeah, so then when I started doing comedy, I felt like I was being seen for once.

No, well, I know what you're saying. You're saying I count. I count. Yeah. Right? I belong on this earth. I think that's what everyone wants, right, Jared? Yeah, I'm going to cry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I got in the groundlings, the first class, I drove. I was finally 25. I'm going to go to, after 10 years of acting classes in college, a drama major and everything, used to drive from Canoga Park. I'd been in New York for a year, wasn't getting anywhere. So I drove, I get on the freeway in Canoga Park

on the 101, the venture, and I'm crying. I'm scared to death because I'm committing to be a comedian. Anyway, I get there, and even though I grew up at the Valley, Hollywood West is another world. So I get there on stage, I go do an improv, make sure goes, well that was funny, but you could do it like this, you could like this. And I was always the class clown. And the sister was saying shut up. Yeah, Phil was there. The sister was saying shut up. They're like, well, you could be funny this way, you could be

funny, you can goof off this. Tell me different ways to goof off. I go, I go, I'm in heaven. This is it, this is it. That's it, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Phil was there. Phil was there. Is Michael Hitchcock before, after you, right? You know Michael Hitchcock? No.

He was in Best in Show, waiting for Goffman, anyway. Was Kathy Griffin there? Yeah, Kathy was there. She was in my classes. We were in the company together. Oh, you guys were? Who else were there? Pat Morita was before you, right? I there. She was in my classes. We were in the company together. Oh, you guys were? Who else were there? Pat Morita was before you, right?

I think he did some stuff. You mean? Pat Morita? Your dad. Did you know Pat? No, I wish I did. I never met him. Yeah, okay.

Anyway. He was great. Yeah, he was great. So you're in the Groundlings. who else was in the class with you? Lisa Kudrow No Lisa went after me. I grew up with her family and her brother David's my best friend growing up So I see so I've known Lisa's and she's five Wow

but when I got on Saturday night live she called me goes I want to get into acting so I told her to go to the Groundlings and that was the best place to go. Wow. So you got her to the Groundlings. No, no. She did it herself. It took her about, she started, and then 10 years later she got friends. Wow.

So it took her 10 years of really hard work and hanging in there. She did it herself, you know, but I said she should go to the Groundlings and she went and then they said, they go, what have you done? She goes nothing. So they go, well, go with this other teacher, Cynthia Zagetti, who was great and then come back. And so she did that and everything.

She would call me maybe about two or three times for advice. I said, I think you should do this. She goes, oh, I was thinking maybe I would do something else. Like she had another suggestion and she was always right. I go, that's better, do that, you're right. Yeah. So did you get hired with Phil Hartman or no? On SNL?

Who got it first? Me. You. Me. Me. Me. Oh. Me.

Me. Me. Great. And your class of SNL, let me guess. Me. Great. And your class of SNL, let me guess. Yeah. Me. Me.

Me. Can I do my impression of SNL? Yeah, go ahead. Brrrr. What is that? That's the saxophone. Oh wow. Oh that's Lenny.

He's been there from the beginning. Yeah. So who was your class? I was there when I was a kid. I want to say that. He was on, and that's an old sketch. I was 14. I was in a sketch.

I was a child actor. Really? Tina Fey wrote it. And then on Howard Stern, she said it was her favorite she ever wrote. Wow. Yeah. That's great. No lines?

That's big. I had lines. How many lines? I had one line. And Don Pardo was my voice. I was like lip syncing to Don Pardo. The joke is we had come back from hiatus, it's a Barney sketch,

and all the kids were going through puberty. Rachel Dratch has big boobs now. She can't do the dances because her boobs are bouncing. Jimmy Fallon's the director. He's trying to cover her up. I played Zhao Ping. The joke is my voice is in there. John, does it give a shit?

No, I'm listening. No, you're not. You don't give a shit. What was his name? Let me have this. I was on SNL. That's great. Yeah, not just you.

Other people. No, I'm sure, yes, everyone talks about that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have. I have. Jowp.

Yeah, who was your class when you first got, I forget. On Saturday Night Live? Yeah. Well, my first year, it was very different than the next four. It was me, Robert Downey Jr., Anthony Michael Hall, Randy Quaid, Terry Sweeney, Damon Waynes, and Whitney Brown, feature players. And the woman with Nora Dunn and Denitra Vance and Joan Cusack. Wow. And then next year, it completely changed. Dennis Miller did update. Yeah. Then next next year they kept Dennis and Nora and I.

And then they go, who do you work well with? Okay, here we go, we got. Yeah, I'd lost a lot of weight, I've gained it back. Where are you there? Oh, to the right, oh my God. I'm the Iranian fella on the far right. Yeah. Wow, look at that cast.

I don't remember that cast. But the season after is when it really. Well, how old are you now? 53. How old are you now 53 in 85 I was probably 12 years old living in Korea no what you said you were Korean I never lived there man I born in San Diego oh you never lived there yeah yeah and yet there you are as ill I mean ill-Hoo. Il-Khan-Hoo. Il-Khan-Hoo. What's his name?

What's his name? I don't know. Just try to get to Il-Khan-Hoo. Il-Kham-Jong? Yeah, Il-Kham-Jong. Yeah, yeah. But I know that you are him. I'm not him.

Oh, please. Yeah. So here's the next... Oh, this is where now... Here we go. So this was the next... Season. Neeland.

Wow. Yeah, Neeland. Dana Right, Phil. Dana, Jan Hooks. Yeah. Nora, me, Whitney Brown, Phil, Kevin Neeland, Victoria Jackson. Do you still talk to Victoria? Yeah. Yeah, how is she? She's great. Okay, good. And then Jan sadly passed away and horrible. Yeah, but they The difference between the first cast and this one, it wasn't about talent, it was just everybody in this photo, their whole background was comedy. And everyone knew somebody before.

So like I knew Phil from the groundlings. I idolized Phil, so they go, who do you work well with? And Phil was one of four people I suggested, so they brought Phil on. And then Jan I had worked with the year before I got the show on some show, but I met her. And then Dennis and Dana and Whitney were all standups in San Francisco.

Wow. And then Dana got the show and then recommended Kevin Nealon for the show. And I don't know how Victoria's fan got what they auditioned. So white. No minorities back then or no? Well, we were actors. We didn't need them. Wow.

We could act. I mean, back then that was your talent, you know. Right. You know what? I think you're right. We could act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, back then, that was your talent, you know? Right. You know what? I think you're right. But no, but truthfully, if you ask me now, I didn't really occur to me. But then I thought, yeah, you should have people from different backgrounds, but they

should have the ability to act and play people. You've got to deliver. Yes. And be good. Yeah, yeah. I would- If you said, well, if there was an African American actor, a guy that was great and funny, or a guy that was, you know, white, Anglo-Saxon, but not

funny, who do you want in the show? I go, the funny guy. Yes, the funny guy. It should always be. The black guy. That's what Jerry Seinfeld was saying when they go on his comedy with cards. He goes, I don't care about race. I care if they're funny.

Yeah. Which is that race. But my argument with that is that some of the people that he had, I don't care about race, I care if they're funny. Yeah. Which is that race. But my argument with that is that some of the people that he had on there aren't actually that funny. But he thought they were. There were funnier minorities and ethnic people that he thought got.

That's not the point. It was. And replacement of some of the non-funny people that he had. No, but you're missing the point. There were people that he knew. Yeah. He wanted people that he knew. Yeah, he knew.

It's his show. Just like this is your podcast. I have people here I don't know. Do you have people on you don't want on? Yes. Why? Just because they do good numbers. So you're a whore.

I'm a full blown Asian whore, like $2 Saki Saki. That's what I am, $2 Saki Saki, dude. Yeah, now when I'm a full blown Asian whore, like $2 sake sake. That's what I am, $2 sake sake dude. Yeah, now when I'm thinking maybe you were the one molesting the guy. Yeah, Jared, you want to say something? Yeah, I have a question. Like, so it's SNL and you're doing topical sketches. Like, if there was like a famous black guy, like what did you guys do? Who played? Did you, did that come up? Or there's an Asian woman in the news, you want to do a sketch about that Asian woman in the news,

and then you go, uh, rock, paper, scissors, who's playing the Asian woman? Well, no, like, well, like, I don't, we didn't do a lot of that. Billy Crystal worked with Sammy Davis Jr. He was on the year before, and he did a thing where he imitated Sammy Davis Jr. Now I didn't think it was racist. It's not. I go, well he was dark like, and I go, what's that? I go, it's makeup.

Yes. Yes, whenever- But suddenly makeup is racist? Yeah, exactly. I understand. When the Wayne Brothers did White Girl, I didn't think it was racist. I thought it was hilarious.

Exactly. And I kind of admired it. When Mickey Rooney did that Chinese dude in that one movie? I loved it. I drew the line there. Bravo, bravo. I only think it's racist. Well, that was over the top.

Go to the Mickey Rooney one. Yeah. Go to the Mickey Rooney one. Pull it out. Pull it out. Yeah. Because this one, I was like, bravo, bravo. Well, but that Mickey Rooney. Pull it out. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this one I was like, bravo, bravo. Well, but if, that's the problem.

If you apply standards of today to 50 years ago or 100 years ago, you know, yeah, things change and... Yeah. I said... Okay, so this. Which Mad TV sketch was that? Okay, I'm not even trying to be funny. Okay.

So that's Mickey Rooney on the right and you on the left? That's both Mickey Rooney. What? Yeah, that's both Mickey Rooney. Oh. Jared, as a half Asian, how does that make you feel? So good. Yeah.

So good. Well, he's kind of like you, he's white and he's- Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I watched that movie for the first time like 10 years ago, and I didn't know anything about it. He's white and Asian. Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I watched that movie for the first time like 10 years ago. And I didn't know anything about it. And then he shows up on screen and I was like, what the fuck is this? People don't really talk about this.

I know. Asian people know about it. He was doing a caricature. Of an Asian person. Yeah. Yeah. Like the teeth. Probably. Right, the teeth is person. Yeah. Yeah, like the teeth. Probably.

Yeah. The teeth is extreme. Right, but if he said it now, he goes, yeah, well, now I get it. He goes, back then, you didn't think of it. I have a directory. They used to have a big, it was like a phone book, right? A casting directory of every actor, right?

Anyone could be in it. It was like two phone books, men, and then one was just women. I have one from like 1924. Wow. Or 20, and if you saw it, it goes, categories of people, and it's all like, you're talking about races, Jewish types,

black types, Asian types, Indian types types this type. That's how they wow That's how people thought. Yes, and the real the real thing was what really happened was The in like the early night if you want to know why it was like this and why it's changing the early 1900s all a lot of Jewish European Immigrants came from like my grandparents from Hungary and Romania, Russia, they all fled fleeing death. So they came to New York. So the white Anglo-Saxon Protestants basically ran New York

and they go, the Jews aren't allowed in banking and this, they can't be in anything. But they had a, you know what a Nickelodeon is? Yeah. This is the first I'm hearing of any of this. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, you know your history, my fellows. This is the first I'm hearing of any of this. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know your history, my fellows.

So the Nickelodeon is, you know, on a, when you're a kid, like on the side of a book, you do little pictures and then you'd flip it and it would move. Yes. You got, right. Yeah. So you fan the book, right. So Nickelodeon was photos, like taken separate of like, they didn't have film in, of a horse galloping.

So you'd look in a viewfinder. Oh, I've seen those. I've seen those. I've seen those. And you turn the crank. Yeah, I've seen those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the wasp had let the Jews have the Nickelodeons.

It's a gutter business. Wow. So that's why they got into that. Then what happened is they built into a big thing and then they... Yeah, like that. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, that's what you... They wanted to get rid of their European background and become Americans and simulate into America.

Yeah. And if you see... So they changed their names. Right. They made all the Jewish actors change their names. Right. And they were presenting their image of what they thought America was,

which was white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant, and they became very honestly self-loathing Jews. And like Tony Curtis, he wasn't self-loathing, but his real name's Bernie Schwartz. I know because when I did that movie with Jamie Lee Curtis in Budapest, her father, Tony Curtis, created a synagogue there. So one morning, Jamie Lee Curtis goes,

let's go to my father's synagogue. So I wore the little hat, and I went there one morning. I was so tired, but I felt like I had to go because he invited me. But it was like, and there was like a lot of history there and it was very emotional actually. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they, well yeah. So like, like. Did you listen to a word like that? I feel like you don't listen to what I fucking heard. I heard it. I don't have anything to add to it. I know but it's like almost as if you're not even, we're not even fucking, we're doing two different

defunct rooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm listening. I know, but are you really listening? What a lovely story. Okay. When did you start working with Happy Madison? Oh, dude, bro, bro.

He just jumped decking. Bro, bro, bro. We're not even close to being there yet. Anyway, so that's what happened in the sixth. So George Siegel was the first actor to say, I'm not changing my name. Oh, right. But they all did.

Kirk Douglas has issued Daniel Lavis's. And then, and then, you know, minority, they wouldn't, they were right. They wouldn't give him parts, you know? Right. And then about five, six years ago started changing and I lost then they started saying like my friend worked forever They go you can't get work Why you're 60 and you're white and it went the other way about five about no about ten years ago

I started switching I had two parts in shows and I lot and they go John's our first choice and then then they go sorry the network dead yeah they go we have to have minorities in this and I myself at the time is well why don't you cast the best actor for the part but if you really want to help minorities instead of saying that CBS had a thing they go we have to have two minorities in every show like well why don't you give them a whole show if you really want to help people and then we have like little bits and pieces here hence blackish give them a whole show. If you really want to help people. Then we have like little bits and pieces here. Hence blackish.

Give them the whole show. Yes. Well, blackish, it's fine. But it's funny. It's funny, yeah. If it wasn't funny, you'd go, that's how I look at it. It's not funny. Yeah.

It's like when Ellen DeGeneres on her show came out and she was gay and I was doing a pilot at ABC and I said to Jamie Tarsus, who's the head of, I said, well, okay, she's gay, but you're doing a sitcom. What's the funny part of the show? Where's the comedy? Is it situation comedy? Yes, exactly. So just, I understand she's brave, she's not comfortable,

she goes, I don't feel comfortable, you're setting me up on dates, it's all, it's fake, I'm gay. Okay, great. Yeah. Now what? dates, it's all, it's fake, I'm gay. Okay, great. Yeah. Now what? Now, where's the comedy? Yeah. What's the situation that's funny?

We understand, we understand, yes, yes, yes, yes. What's? I just don't think you hear me. What's the situation? You're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what situational comedies are. Yeah, what is the situation is what I'm asking. The show was off the air not long after that.

So quickly, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it wasn't because she came on a game. There was nothing, what's the funny part? Yeah, the funny part, how about like, I'm looking for a place. What is she trying to do? Well, how about a show for us? I'm trying to find a place, right,

and I can't find it, and all of a sudden, I see an ad for this house, and you're living there. Right, and then now the sitcom is about me and you two strangers living that's a funny situation I thought of a better call okay give me a better one then you know I don't want to say it somebody else steal it all right I'll tell you off there you just made me think is something funnier just say it now just say it now no we'll cut it out. Well edit it out. Liar. You know why, can I say something?

I don't think you have a funnier one. I think you just saying that to one up line, right? And going, oh, well talk about it later, but I don't think you're wrong. I think you're fucking lying, dude. What's yours called Bobby? Yeah. Two guys in a house.

No, it's that, but it's me. And then I come home and you're a squatter. Oh. Oh, that is funny, another conflict. Or should I say conflict? Con-frict. That is racist. You said conflict.

You just said it. You said it first, conflict. Who said conflict first? Oh, I did? All right, you say it. Conflict. Wow, very good one dude. Wow. So let's do a show called Conflict. Conflict? You gotta cut out so we can steal it. No one's gonna steal that. No they are. We might take it. Are you that naive?

I have people, I have, there's a guy, a couple guys, people that have overalls at networks and they're begging me for a three cameras to come I don't have one. Why can't we do conflict? conflict Conflict you wouldn't work with me every day But you know, it'd be funny to add I go we have a conflict and then you go you racist fuck I won't have an accent in it though. Do you want me to have an accent in our show? But you have one now. Oh, wait, no, I don't have one now, dude.

You think I have a fucking accent right now? You kinda do. Right now I kinda do. Yeah, now you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can play your brother. You can play yourself and your brother and your brother as well.

No, you won't leave and it's me trying to get you out of the house. Yeah, yeah. It's funny. It's funny, that's a good one. Like Spy vs. Spy. It of the house. Yeah, yeah. It's funny. It's funny. That's a good one. Like spy versus spy. Yeah, spy versus spy, yeah.

What are you doing right now? I don't know. Yeah, are you bored? No, I'm just myself. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, I guess we better cut this out, but we're leaving the sitcom idea. You think that Sarah married a woman after me because I was terrible in bed. Yes. Well, I don't know.

All I'm saying is after you, she decided she... It happened to happen. Oh, it was just a coincidence. Jared, what do you think about that situation? This is the pilot of Konfrid. By the way, I love Sarah. I met Sarah, I think she was in my, I was doing an acting class and Fraser Smith asked me to do it and I go, I don't know. I said, well you get the people and I think, I think that's, my memory sucks now. She was in it.

But Sarah's great. Yeah. And you were hanging out with her? We were friendly. She was in the class. Yeah, of course. I'm not accusing her of anything. Dating her.

Yeah, yeah, I understand that. But it's a little offensive that you thought that my sexual styling is what drove her into lesbianism. It wasn't that. it's a little offensive that you thought that like my sexual styling That's what you're accusing me of no, but you shit I know but Bobby Yeah, it wasn't that I thought of it thought that everyone thought everyone thought Like if you did a poll yeah, yeah Like all of I'm just going to say, 30% of your fans and 100% of Koreans think that's what happened.

And then you got so mad and that's when you moved back, killed the real Kim Il Jong.ong. And that's a sitcom. You're Kim Il-Jong hiding in my house. Well, those should all be storylines in our sitcom, you and I. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We'll put Kim Il-Jong or whatever you call him. You know what I mean? We'll put the whole Sarah thing in there.

Can I write that? You can write. You want to be on the writing staff? Yeah. I've never been in a writer's room. Oh, then perfect. I've never been in a writer's room. Oh, then perfect. I've never done it.

Oh, I'm sold. He's a very good writer. Okay, John. I'll be the PA. There's not even a show. You better cut it out. No one's gonna steal it. No, they're not gonna a show. You better cut it out. No one's gonna steal it. No, they're not gonna steal it.

They will. You might. It's too good of an idea. Yeah. It is good. It is good. And it's all in the news. Trust me, cut it out.

Yeah, John's saying basically that you're not gonna be the, you're not having no involvement in the show. Well, you're missing out. I'm not saying that, he said it. No, you're, cause you didn't give him the job. There's no show. I know, hypothetically, would you give him the job?

Yeah, he could be your assistant. Your PA. No, no, no, no, no, no. No? Yeah, yeah, you're out. But the next show, we'll do a spin-off what what's your show? I'm not gonna tell you Why you think you're gonna steal it somebody gonna steal it better than this one. Okay, what is it then? Just tell we'll cut it out instead of two people. Yeah, it's three people. Okay, damn he went up

He won up to our show then You know what's called on fricks? You know what's called, confrix. Plural, confrix. I find that very offensive. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so do you feel like, John, show business is dying though? It's not the same.

It's not the same. I used to do a lot of, my first job was on, well, Jesus Christ. Okay. It's 42 years later. A lot of, my first job was on, well, Jesus Christ, it was 42 years later. A lot of jobs on the Fox lot. And I was there this summer to do one line in The Simpsons. So yeah, that's changed. And then, and the lot was empty. There were no movies at all.

Maybe one show, The Simpsons is still there, but it was just, it was all the sound stages were empty. Oh my God. Empty. There used to look around and there'd be all these people and costumes. Oh yeah, I know. And all these beautiful, you know, girls auditioning everywhere. Yeah, yeah. And the commissary was full and every table, there was executive and movie stars and this, I mean it was, it was really exciting. I know, I was, I mean. Now it's just like. Okay. Kind of like that.

I mean, series regular, a bunch of shows, and I remember getting my own slot, drive, you get to drive onto the lot, your name's on your parking, you know what I mean? Right. You get the table with the whole network, and then you go to the, you know what I mean, you see other shows like,

oh my God, there's Seth Rogen or whatever, you say hi to old friends and this and that they're doing other It's very active and now it's dead. That's what you're saying. Yeah Yeah, kind of like a see well because he we heard me because what happened was it? They the Canada wanted the movie business. So like in Vancouver, they started giving a Tax credit. I just did a movie last in Toronto. Then they did it in New Orleans. And now, California wouldn't do it. Now, 46 states have tax credits. And California won't do it, so they lost their business.

They're idiots. Wow, idiots. So what was the show you were on, though? The sketch show. Matt TV? Yeah, where was that shot? Was that Fox? Originally it was, but then we moved to

Hollywood Center Studios on Santa Monica and Las Pomp. Netflix. Oh, right next to Netflix? Netflix, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. But I'm sure there was stuff going on there when you were there. Oh yeah, one time it was, that's how we got the Strokes, because the Strokes were doing

a music video next to ours and I ran over because I'd run under them before and I go and then I would Run under them Is that like a reference to cuz you're small? You know, I swear to fucking God guy I Like you a lot. You said it. I know I ran under them. Yeah. Yeah. What does that mean? I read into them as I'm what that's how you said. I know I fucked up. You said I ran under them. Yeah, yeah. What does that mean? I ran into them as I went... That's not what you said. I know, I fucked up.

You said I ran under them. Yeah, but I meant into them. Like I ran under the table. No, that's not what you said. I ran under them. So you went between their legs. I'm small. That's right.

I was small. I didn't say, you did. You know what, Kai? Thanks for being here, dude. You wanted confric. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have confric. You wanted me to be a shit. I know, and now we have it.

Now we have it. And then whenever I do, you just stare at me like how dare you. Yeah, yeah. And then you said you wanted it earlier. I do want it. Okay. You go, I'm always nice to you.

So anyway, there was things going on in the lot, and yes, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting. Yeah. Can I say something? Did you hear the last thing he said? Yeah, yeah. Was that even English? No, it wasn't. It was exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, but I'm speaking Mandarin. So am I. What did I say? How's it going? How are you? Yeah, now do you understand what I'm saying?

Waha shey. No, my turn now. I'm my own, you know, you're good to. You said nothing. I know. I know, ask your question Jaime. Oh yeah. Oh, go ahead, sorry.

That's okay. And now let's get to you. Yeah, yeah. What you were saying about the lot being filled kind of reminds me when I was growing up watching the peewee big adventure when he was with the bike. I don't know if you ever watched them. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And like he was going through the studio sets and it was just packed and that was a good feeling. Is that a question? That was on the Warner Brothers lot in the Valley. Yeah. Yeah. But it was like that. There was

stuff. Very good. It was exciting. I don't know why they don't. It's sad. If they just give tax credits, everybody, most people live here and they go like, yeah, let's work here. I'd rather work here, I live here.

They don't have to keep traveling. Have you thought about moving? To where? I don't know, maybe people going to Austin, maybe people going to Atlanta. There's studios there now. Well, I don't know, maybe people are going to Austin, maybe people are going to Atlanta, there's studios there now. Well, I don't have to move to work, you just go there. Or you get a flight, yeah.

You get a flight, right? Well. Explaining travel. I don't know. What's your house like? I have a feeling that you don't say, in private, I don't think you say flight or plane. I get it, yeah.

Private shit. Get it? I do get it. Good, I like it. What's your house like? You know, Joe Coy used to talk about it. I wanna know. What's my house like?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's private, I have a nice home. I know you do. This is where I live, this building. How long have you lived in the home you live in now? Since, oh gosh, 1990 I think. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Why does Spade move around so much? He doesn't really. He just moved, he had a not glorious house. He just. And he went to a different glorious house. Well, recently, but he lived where he lived for a long time. Oh he did, yeah. a different glorious house. Well, recently, but he lived where he lived for a long time. Oh, he did. Yeah. I liked, I liked that house. Yeah. You would invite me over. You never invited me over.

Ever. No. You know, in fact, you don't ever call me. I'm the one that reached out to you. Well. Yeah, go ahead. All right. It's good. I just because I just worry like you'd come over and you look at all the stuff, you know, okay, bye, John, okay, bye. And then you like wouldn't really leave.

And you'd be- Like our show. You'd be underneath the house. Yeah. I see, I see, I see. And then you hear me go, I'm going out of town, see you in a week. And then you'd just come up.

Yeah, come up like that. Steal shit. Through the piping and yeah, yeah. Yeah, and steal, and steals well not the piping but yeah ducks the ducks. Yeah, yeah the air conditioning Yes, now with your new podcast. What's it called? What the fuck Just fucking say it do what the fuck well, it's called. What are what do they know? It's out there now. I don't think they keep doing it,

but it's with me and Charlotte McKinney, and Charlotte's great and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I seen her. But you know, I had this conversation, I said to this guy, how long did you do your podcast before you started getting paid? And this guy said three years.

I said three years yes well I'm not fucking doing that well how long did it take us around three years three years made it really fun you were the guy what the fuck you're talking you were the guy that said that to me oh yeah I did tell you yeah I can tell you that. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck? Three years of work, you don't make any money. Are you making money now on it? I don't know, you're giving me a piece of your podcast? No, no, I'm saying on yours. Are you making money on the one, this one?

No. Okay, how long have you been doing? What do you know? We've done like 50,000 shows. Really? Okay, 10. 10. Well, what's the difference? Do you have guests? Yeah. You remember,000 shows. Really? Okay, 10. 10. Well, what's the difference?

Do you have guests? Yeah. You remember, can I do it? Yeah. Is that All Things Comedy? Who's doing it? Yeah. All Things Comedy.

Yeah? Look at it. What a great, what do they know? Do you record it in Burbank? Yes. At the ATC? At the thing. At the ATC studio. Yeah. Do you use their generic studio?

Do you have your own studio? Generic. Yeah. Hey, you're three. You're going to have your own. Just look at that painting of that girl. I thought she was choking you. That's my ex-girlfriend.

And this is what it is right here. And yeah, wow. Yeah, look at that. I look like I'm 90. How old are you now, John? I'm 90. I'm 90. I'm 90.

I'm 90. I'm 90. I'm 90. I'm 90. I'm at that. I look like I'm 90. How old are you now, John? 67. Yeah, you look great. You look good. You have a good tan?

Yeah. You have a nice dog? You have a nice dog. We could, you know, I'm going to... I don't feel any different than when I was 28. It's very strange. You don't feel any different. I know. So when I go, how old are you I just feel like, well, I technically am 67, but I feel like I'm lying.

I know. Have you seen other 67 year olds? No, they're not like you. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all decrepit. Yeah, yeah. They're full of joy.

They want to retire. What? You son of a bitch. Thanks. And now you can't talk till I say your name okay he'll come you know Kim Jong Kim Jung Il oh you can talk thank you so much mm-hmm thank you so much yes Thank you, thank you so much. I said your name. Yes, thank you. You know, acting, when you were on Mad TV, didn't you play different characters? I did.

Yeah. Like that's part of acting. I did Connie Chung, I did Kim Jong-il, that's from Mad TV, that poster. Yeah. What's this? There's Jordan, Ike, and there I played that guy. Oh my god! There I am. Oh my god. Yeah, you look at me. Oh my god.

Breaking the barriers. Yeah. See, Dana Carvey. There's Ike. Look at the young Ike Bernholtz. Look at that. Wow. Yeah, that's hilarious. And then... That would never be on TV. Why? You think someone would do this now? A blind Asian Kung Fu master? Yeah, why not? But it's acting. Why is it...

It's a satire. It's so good though. So now they would say that's racist because an Asian guy is playing an Asian... I know, I know, I know. Look how good I was though. I wouldn't know that was you. You really look like, I mean, totally. You look like the guy from a movie.

Are you just crossing your eyes? No. No, I have a white, one white eye for some reason. Cause I couldn't get the other one in my eye. My left eye. So we just, we'll just do one white eye. Okay, cool. So it looks kind of weird.

You know what I mean? There's Nicole Parker, my friend. She was a cast member for many years. Very talented. And okay, let's move on from this sketch. I've done other characters and pull up a Connie Chung. No, listen, Dana Carvey did a show on SNL character Ching Change. And it was based on a real guy. Yeah. A real, at San Francisco.

There I am, Connie Chung. Whoa. Well, that's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. You look beautiful. Thank you so much. We have the same hair. Yeah.

I know Connie Chung. She's very nice. Yeah. I've always wanted to meet her. You think we could get Connie Chung on this? Yeah. For sure you could. Yeah, she's very nice.

Yeah, that'd be a legend. And very interesting. Very intelligent, very bright. Yeah, she's very nice. Yeah, that we led very interesting very intelligent very bright. She's right Yeah, you might not understand what she's saying, but Why is that? Because she's smarter. Oh You know John I'll tell you this buck. Oh, I'll tell you that bring it. I'll bring it to you All right. I'm brighter than you think Yes, I'm brighter than you think. Yes, I'm brighter than you think.

All right, my knowledge is in certain areas and there's some things I don't know I'm aware of. Yeah, okay. Oh, well, what area do you have knowledge in? Film. Oh. Oh, really? Yes, I'm a big Kurosawa fan.

I bring that up a lot, right? But I like film, I like, what? Wong Kar-W car why did you ever heard of the movie random harvest yes who's in it you are I tell you when you play the imp yeah okay yeah the game by me yeah I mean I don't know I'm gonna oh well won an Oscar oh? You ever heard of Greer Garson? Yeah, yeah, I don't do white film history. Oh.

Okay. You don't do white film history. Yeah. It's not white film history, it's film history, American films. Okay. I never saw Randy Barvist. It's fantastic. It is?

Yeah. What's it about? Well, Ronald, it's World War end of after about three years after World War one, and he has amnesia. Yeah. And he's in an insane asylum and he escapes and he ends up. He wanders into town. That's the guy to the right in the poster. Yeah, he was huge actor.

And he runs into a black woman. No, Greer Garson. She's a black woman. She has red hair. You know, the redheads are black now. Oh, it's a thing It's a new thing now. What? Yeah, so look at me right now John. What are you talking? Look at me right now. No some things Bob. I know some things go on tick-tock Just listen to me right now. Okay Redheaded people are now black people. And it's not just redheads saying it, black people are saying it as well. So it must be true.

That's the most ridiculous thing. It's true and I think- They're from Ireland. I understand that, but it's basically perception is what we're talking about. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. but it's basically how perception is what we're talking about. What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Leprechauns are fast. OK. OK. Red-headed women, Greg Garson are black people.

Yes. And you. Yeah. Are taller than Shaquille O'Neal. Wow. I think you're being facetious. No, I'm stating a fact. Oh, you are. You are taller. Yes. Anyway, we're going to at least seven, eight. Check out Random Harvest. It's a great movie. Yeah.

And it has three acts and they don't do that anymore. Right. What's the last good movie you've seen? Be honest. He might lie. I don't remember yesterday. Did you see Sinners? No. Do you know what it's about? No. Black vampire. No, white vampires but black people in a... Just vampire. Vampire movie. Kind of like iRob I'm robot no if you say that again I'm gonna lose on my fucking mind I robot and sinners have a little ghostie you know is Dracula I understand that hungry and my aunt dated him really yeah you're a kid at Bella yeah that's incredible yeah my great aunt. Did you know Kierkegaard? Canoe. Okay. Get it?

Yes. Canoe. Canoe. So you have any questions for John Lovitz? Did you see Friendship? No. You don't watch comedies then? I don't know every movie that exists.

I know, but John, I bet your money in in the last five years a bunch of movies have come out Yeah, I haven't seen yeah, but you haven't seen any of them, right? That's my belief probably yeah Yeah, did you see dune one or two or both neither? I had no interest in seeing okay Why because our space and all that well, I've seen dunes That's a good point it didn't you know what I saw was a Reacher the TV show yeah, I see. That's a good point. You know what I saw? What is it? Reacher, the TV show. Yeah. I like that. You like Jack Reacher? Yeah. I like action because I just, I like people that stand up against bullies. I like that. Yeah. You're a bully. I'd like him to see him beat the crap out of you. It'd be a fair fight because he. Because he's 6'3", but as we all know, you're 7'8".

It called back, huh? Bobby, he put her on the same TV show. Oh, that's right. That was, oh yeah, we did. Magnum PI. Yeah. And then they said, do this one scene, and if the show gets picked up next season, we'll have you back and it'll be a great character. And it was fun. I did it. And then didn't get picked up. I don't know why.

Well, it did get picked up because I did 12 episodes of that. No, it didn't get picked up after this season. Oh, after the season it didn't. But we were in this show. We're both in it. In the same episode? Yes. Oh, wow.

Yeah. But you didn't do that shit. Look at me, Action Bob, right there dude. This guy you're in the car with. He's the lead actor. What's his name, what's his name John? Hmm? What's his name John? Was it Tom?

I don't remember. Jay Hernandez. Oh Jay, he was very nice. Very nice guy. He was very nice. Very nice guy. He was a good actor. Great actor. Were you sexually attracted to him at all? Like any, even one or two degrees?

Are you bi at all for Jay Hernandez? No. Nothing? You look at that man, you feel zero? Eh. If I'm in that car with him, I mean that's crazy. I've been in the same room with him and I think if John says that he wasn't sexually attracted maybe that was CGI because I'm very straight and very attracted to him.

I was very attracted to him as well. I wasn't. Yeah, yeah. Because you've never seen this. Jared, let me say something. If you saw him in the flesh, you'd be more attracted. I've seen him in a Speedo, bro. At his fucking house in Hawaii.

And we were bathing. Are you gay? Yeah. Are you really? I am, yeah. Oh. Yeah. What's the problem, Jon?

It's fine. I don't know. What's your views on the gays? I thought you said you weren't. No, I'm gay. He's full-blown gay. Look at that. Full-bl don't know. What's your views on the gays? I thought you said you weren't. No, I'm gay.

He's full-blown gay. But it's cool that you thought maybe I wasn't. No, I was thinking maybe you weren't. Oh, the whole time you thought you were gay. He's going, this is... We're gonna vibe. He's got a gay vibe, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's a very funny gay.

He's a great stand-. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but he's a very funny gay. Hey He's a great great stand-up lot a lot of This isn't I don't know whatever whatever a lot of gaming they're very funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah flamboyant and funny They're just well, they're funny. They are fair Terry Sweeney was on the show Terry was like I'm openly gay, but Terry was hilarious. Who's the funniest gay guy? I Think my tail land yeah okay you don't know much rip torn gay was it okay he gay yeah what are you kidding show him a picture of rip torn I know what I'm gonna tell him yeah I knoworn. Didn't he always like get mad if people called him gay though?

He couldn't have been gayer. I think that's good. He didn't strike me as that gay. He was very flamboyant. He'd throw confetti and yeah. Oh, Rip Torn. I was thinking of somebody. No, not Rip Torn. Rip Taylor. Yeah, you're saying the wrong guy. Rip Taylor Torn.

No, not Rip Torn. Sorry. Give me Rip Torn. Give me Rip Torn. No, you're right. No, No, I'm not ripped or give me a rip toward you. No, you're right Give me a rip torn is ripped or it is definitely not. Yeah, rip torn. No Joe okay, no, I made a mistake Okay, rip Taylor look up rip Taylor. I don't think you know what you're talking about, right? I think you're right rip Rip Taylor. Yeah, yeah. There he is. Yeah, I meant him.

Yeah, he's definitely gay. Rip Taylor. So you look at me and you see Rip Taylor. Yeah. Beyond. Oh, beyond gay. Yeah. I meant, he's a nice guy, very funny.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, is he really nice? I never met him. Yeah. Has he passed on? He has. Yeah, yeah. Just rip. It's a rip?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rip, rip. Have you ever had a gay experience, John? Lesbian. Oh, a lesbian experience, yes, yes. You've scissored a woman. Yes. Yeah.

That would be the funniest image known to man. John Lovett scissoring a woman. Yeah. Like Leslie Jones. I don't even want to picture it. Okay. Is that your favorite position in bed? Scissoring?

One of them, yeah. Good, good, good, good, good, good. Do you still work? My favorite position in bed now is taking a nap. Wow, that's good. I'm very good at that. Good night. Good night. And you go. Yeah. That was a joke.

What are you looking at right now? I feel like your wallets are just... John, I feel like you're bored now. No, I... Are you bored? I'm looking at all the stuff you have. Yeah? Why is your podcast called Tiger Belly anyway?

It was just a nickname I had for one of my friends over the years. I thought it was a funny name and we just named it that. Really? Yes. Yes, really. I don't buy that. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.

I mean, what about your title? Yeah, what are they? Well, what do they know? It's like, yeah, what the hell do I know? Yeah. Wow. So, what are your future plans now, John? What's your dream here, baby? Well, work-wise, I did this game show, Funny You Should Ask, and it's coming back. They stopped shooting, they're going to come back. I did one episode of that, and they never called me back. Well, the only reason is, is I can think, I'm guessing,

go on, I don't know. Okay, go on, I guess, go ahead. But it's a comedy show and you have to be funny. Okay. I was hurtful. I burned, I burned a bit. Because you know, when you're not invited back, that's the thing that you think, right?

Like I don't think I was funny and I don't think that I'm great and that's why they didn't invite me back. And you just fed into that fear. But you just said that. What do you mean? You just said. You're being gaslit right now.

I am, right? I don't think I'm funny. Yeah, yeah. That's why they didn't ask me. No, you said it first. And you. It might be guess What would what do they call that you manifested it? I?

School it schools. Yeah, that was very sly. Yeah, I feel like you said it but okay, let's move on No, I don't know. I don't know. I think I think if you called and said I want to come back to have you back No, I asked and they go no, it's not that the right fit or something. You know, I mean, but um Anyway, that was like the pilot episode. That is a great show and you're on you're still you're a regular on that show Who is in the back right? Is that Anthony Anderson? Yeah. Yeah And then Paulie sure and Caroline Ray. Yep. Ohauly, what a show. Oh my gosh. Is that Dave Coulier? Oh wow. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. I don't remember that. Yeah. So let's do some prayers. Wait, move over, I can't see me. Move it, move that. Are you cutting me out? How rude.

Zoom in on John. Wow, look at him. Look at that skin. Yeah. Smooth. Purple on you looks good. You look like a. Look at that skin. Yeah. Smooth. Yeah. Yeah. Purple on you looks good. You look like a fucking Teletubby.

But anyway, um. Are you a Teletubby, dude? What the fuck? Anyway. Are you? Are you? That's your comeback? Are you a Teletubby?

No, I'm not. You are though. You're a fat Teletubby. Oh. Yeah. You wanna go there? No, I don't. I don't wanna go there? No, I don't. I don't wanna go there with you, okay?

I love you. John, John, I love you. We all love you. But you were just trying to... I just met you. No, I don't want to meet me. You just said that wasn't funny. Jerry, kill.

Yeah. So what is your... No, I think you're hilarious. I know you do. The people on the show didn't. So your dream is... No, I don't know why. Your dad's coming back?

I think if he has to come back, they'd have you back. So you're coming back on that show, and then what else? You're going to do some road dates? With Dice. With Dice? And then we're working on a... And then July you'll be in the, what is that called?

Capital Theater. Capital Theater. Dice. What's the Donnie Improv Comedy Theater? Oh, Donnie Improv. It's the Improv in Dania Beach. Okay, Dania Beach. It's in Florida.

And then January 18th, we got Andrew Dice Clay with John Lovitz at the Capital Theater, Port Chester, New York. That's a great show. Can I open? Ooh. Can I open? Well.

You don't have to answer now. I don't know. Just say no. It's easy to say no. It's not up to. First of all, it's a show. Secondly, I've never seen you perform. Maybe you're great and hilarious, I don't know.

Don't go by me and don't go by him. But Jared especially would be perfect because he's unlike you guys, he's very clean. You know what I mean? And he's also, I wouldn't have anyone on this podcast who wasn't the next thing up. We only have killers on this podcast. The next thing up in the business.

Not the butthole. No. Not the butthole. No. You said it. I just said next thing up. Period. And then you looked at me, you mouthed the words, Me. I wouldn't have anyone on this show that wasn't the next thing up.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Clear as a bell. As a bell. I guess I'm gay then, John. No, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah. John, don't repeat what I say when I do that. I just heard you whisper it. I just heard you. Yeah. So John, you want anything else? Do you have a good time on this podcast? Is it over? Yeah, we just do an hour. Oh. Hey, I love the bench warmers too. Yeah, I could stay longer, but you're done, I guess.

No, we only do an hour. You like the bench warmers, thank you. Sorry, somebody was giving me a compliment and you can't stand it. Yeah. Did you have fun, John? Yes, thank you for having me on your show. I would love to. I hear this is a big podcast, is that true? Pretty big.

How big? Top 50. Really? In comedy, yeah. That's huge. We were last week, right? Yeah, top 50 in the US on YouTube last week. Yeah, that's great. And this was the, right? Yeah, top 15 the US on YouTube last week. Yeah, that's great

Biggest there's four million podcasts. I know Try starting one now. Yeah, but bad friends. My other one is Top one. It's also a brand new podcast. Sorry. What with Jared Goldstein? Yeah, there you are. Oh, you are Jewish I am and that's my Jewish podcast. Yeah Would you be on it? You could say no. Let me open for you. I just met you.

Yeah, yeah. I'll buy one. I don't want you to open for me. John, you're gonna love him. Keep your legs clean. Jared is so funny, John. I'm sure you are. Yeah, yeah. I, you know. There was, you ever heard of the show? There's so many comedians, you know. Have you heard of the show Black Mirror?

No. Okay, he was on an episode. Which one? This is me. One time, Joan Arka? Yeah. When the ratings were like, of TV, right? This was years ago.

So I was in this acting class, and my friend points to this girl in the class doing a scene, and she's like, I'm gonna do this. And I'm like, I'm gonna do this. And she's like, I'm gonna do this. So I was in this acting class and my friend points to this girl in the class doing a scene a blind girl And she goes what is she doing here? I go who to her I go. I don't know She's what is she doing? I go. What do you mean? She's taking the acting class Don't you know who that is? No She's on the show Dallas.

Wow. Dallas was like the number one show on television. Like 50 million people a week watched it. Yes. I go, what's that? Yeah, wow. The number one show on TV. What, Dallas?

Yeah. I don't know. It was Charlene Tilton. Never heard of her. It was huge. Way better than you. And me. Huge. That's her. Yeah, she's very nice. And she's still alive.

Yeah. Thank God. I didn't know who she... It was the first year of the show. And it was a Phenom show, you know. Yeah, yeah. That's how... That's what I'm saying is I'm out of it I a lot of this. I'm just out. Yeah, everyone's out Everyone there's too much too many people doing it now John. Yeah, yeah, we're like all lost in the wind. Thank God Yeah, what do you mean? I don't know who that is. Is she dead?

Thank God she met Johnny. She's still alive. I mean yeah Alive, she's very nice. Did she marry a Asian guy? Johnny Lee? She's about as tall as you. How old was Charlene? I'm 5'3". Oh, you were a tower? 5'3"? 5'3", 5'4", yeah. I thought you were taller than Shaquille O'Neal.

That joke is the ninth time you've called the tap. Well, and redheads are black. What a pro. Redheads are black. What a pro, what a pro. Redheads are black people. Yeah, yeah, and you look like a television. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. What? That the color red is now black?

Oh yeah, redheaded people, not the color, the people are now black. How, what does that even mean? Just accept it is what it means. They make the rules. If they had freckles, and somehow the freckles all connected, I could see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, this is not connected to freckles. So John, do you want to promote anything else? I can't think of anything. Yeah. So the road and you got up, I appreciate it. Yeah. Any new projects out working on maybe happy. Well, we'll see. Maybe I'll come back. If these things go through, did you get into happy? Good one too? Oh, yes. Maybe I'll come back. If these things go through. Did you get into Happy Gilmore 2? Oh, yes. I'm in that too. You are?

Yes. Nice. Well, that lessens my value. I'm in it, but we had to sign an NDA. Oh yeah, we had to cut that out. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. No, no, we can, no, I asked Adam Sandler.

We can say we're in it. Yeah. But can't say what we did, the scene or. Yeah, we're in it. Okay, cool. Okay, keep it in. And so. Yes, I have a very funny scene in it.

Yeah, so you got parts in that. I bet you are. I have a cameo. A little cameo, yeah, yeah. I have a cameo, so I have one line. Oh, I'm on cameo, the app cameo, are you? No, I'm not a whore in that way. What's this?

Yeah. Hey John, it's your birthday. I'll do this for money, but I won't do this for money, but I'll do this for money. Yeah. John's listen is a fan favorite. I'm not an idiot. Yeah.

I'm sure you're very funny, but in Bobby's eyes, you're also a demographic. Just call me a faggot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A demo-fag. So do you do well? How many of these do you do a week, cameos? He's a fan favorite, wow.

I don't know, I do well. You know, look, did you ever sign an autograph? Yes. Did you ever take a picture with somebody? So this is like a, it's a video, it's the same thing. Except you're making a little video for them and they love it. That would be the end of that.

Let's give John Lovitz a round of applause. What an appearance. You gotta come back. Would you do it again? Would you do it again? Would you do it again? Yeah, yeah. Considering this will be your best podcast you've done. Yes. Was he the best guest ever? Well, he was the funniest.

Very good. Jared, what's your handle and what does your show come? It's at Hey Jared Hey and I'll be in Pittsburgh. I don't understand. You have two? June 12. And you're doing both? Thank you for watching!