TigerBelly - Jordan Jensen & Butt Too High

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Comedian Jordan Jensen joins us in the studio. We chat Jamie's Hawaii adventure, recognizing hot people, Hasidic dudes, WikiFeet update, poppers, a Whitney Cummings dream, triangle of danger, ironic lesson. Pre-Order NEW MERCH Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/BELLY and use code BELLY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!  For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.hims.com/belly 

Oh, yeah, baby. We got shirts in the building. Okay. We get shirts all day long. Yeah. We got shorts, too, in the building. And that's awesome. Hey, Kalila, where can I buy this stuff?

Slapkingdom.com. One more time. Slapkingdom. Third time's a charm! Slapkingdom.com Slapkingdom.com and Slapped, kingdom, daqa. Succa

Kewa Kewa. Chukukawu-la-a-u-paka-ki. Chuk-a-u-la-ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-du-be. were you to beaure me, burloka, you can't putt in loomba, shukolokumbo lae, tucucucca,

wu, Bye. No, that's not even it. I don't like black leather. It doesn't have to be that. Okay. They need to be like in color for colors, like, you know. Okay.

Like one piece. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But then she's like, do what I say. Do what I say, do what I do. Don't do it if you don't want to do. Bend the knee. Bend the knee?

I would not bend the knee. I eat my asshole. Who's mine? Heme's assholes. Eat Jaime's asshole. No, no, no, no. I would not be able to eat Jaime's asshole Why?

Because I don't like I'll tell you why I'll tell you why I'm gonna break your mouth man Oh yeah I don't want to break my mouth You want to talk about where you just came from Hawaii spent the week out Oh you were trying to say broke the mouth

Broke the mouth man Yeah How long were we're there How long were there? We're there for We're supposed to be there for three days But we fell in love And we stayed there for a week

You and who? Ralph? Yeah And would you stay What did you stay? Honolulu. Honolulu. What's the city called?

Wakiki. Waikiki. And then we stayed at the Kalila resort. Yeah, the Kalala. What's it called? Kalala. Kahala. Kahala.

Oh, I know the Kalala. It's that one with a dolphin? Yeah. Four dolphins. It's so sad. Dolphins. But that's a nice thing. Good meals or?

Oh, good meals. Where'd you go? Mokoloko. I had Mokaloko. Other way around. Yeah, yeah. Oh. well I had moco loco loco oh loco moco moco yeah yeah i think you said okay

i want to try moco loco loco yeah yeah i never had that before loco moco moco um boogers in spanish yeah wow um any ladies say hi to you i wasn't that's not what life's about man oh it's not oh i don't know tell me about life because i don't know that's what i thought what life was about but okay tell me ladies man i was there to speak with the natives and Talk to them about what's going on in Hawaii The energy I understand Wait

Hawaii man Yeah Sad It's whoa tell me about the history America man Oh colonization You're right Colonization

It is sad It's so sad It's really sad Who goes there to get a Chanel bag I do For real You have Chanel here Yeah no no I don't go

We went on a hike Diamond Head He didn't finish it He didn't go to the top He didn't No it's one of the easy He didn't go to the beginning. He didn't go to the beginning.

He didn't go to the beginning. We had poke. Where'd you get pokey from? I can't remember. You liked it? There was a bunch of us. Wait, did you like it? Because you don't even eat sushi.

Asai bowls? Asaim. Macha. Yeah. Coke, water. The coke cans are different out there. That's true. Yeah, they are a little different.

Why is it? Kalaina. Yeah. Is that you? Is that you right there? Yeah, I went to a luau. You went to a luau. There's no place around.

me oh there he is look at the girl's face though look at your ass jiggle dude that's very Hawaiian look at that dude like king paia pea or whatever

Kumu Kumu is teacher okay it's amazing hey it's my AMC ticket sorry oh Gil weird yeah man wow so

you got flip flops down yeah have you seen his feet like that slip us can I see your feet I've never seen your feet before No man Bobby loves it

Can I say Can I see Hyman Oh yeah They're so white They're gardening feet You got white feet There's like no callus Yeah soft little baby feet

Yeah you do Wait what else What lingo Did you learn any like pigeon I sent you a text of the things You want to do Oh yeah Broke the mouth

Good How's it How's it going brother I spoke to a native at the circuit list. Stop saying native. Wait, how's it going brother?

You learned that there? I've never heard that before. How you doing, brother? How are you doing, brother? Wow, that's real pigeon. He's local? If he's native, like Kanakamali, then he's Hawaiian,

or you can just say local someone who's from there. They hate tourists. They do. They hate people who move. Just because you get up and move with your wife and kids and you have kids over there does not make you Hawaiian.

I know, dude. Tell that to some people. Who do I tell? my friend Ken Ken Smith is out there Hey Ken Your baby ain't Hawaiian He's American

He's American, dude Even though Hawaii is America No it's not It's Kingdom of Hawaii Come on Bobby It's not the 50th state It's not It's not it's not

That's right I'm man Yeah So we only have 49 states In America Yeah I had no idea Because we stole it You know

Yeah yeah We stole Alaska too No we didn't We paid for it We paid for it Yeah Okay Let's pay for Hawaii

How much Can afford it Okay Hawaii Should just send a cease and desist I don't know That's right That's right

Separate from America What about a war A civil war They can win You think so They got spears They do What else do they have

As a weapon They might lose But I'll stand With them You could chuck a coconut Oh yeah I saw they break a coconut It's so excited

Oh the fire man What do you And so the luau... Stay with one thing. Let's talk a gun and then fire. Okay. The luau, man. Okay, the luau man, what?

You're saying man a lot. Because if you were there at the luau, you learned a lot. Polynesian. Did you go to PCC, the cultural center? No. Oh. Because you kind of learned a lot. A lot of people just go there and they walk away, like, not knowing anything about anything.

Yeah. No, I mean, I was paying attention. Yeah, but everybody else. Would you live there, do you think? Could I live there? I wouldn't move there. Why? Because it would, like, disrupt the...

This is the reason why you cannot stay at my place anymore. Why? Jesus. Yeah, look at... Oh my God, oh my God. You're seeing donuts. I don't like how you're touching my head, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you replay it for E.J., please? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch E. You watch EJ, learn. Learn. I wish you could hear the volume. It's playing. I'm just enjoying Holy Grail.

It's so pointy. Did you not know he was naked? Is your your first time seen, Bobby? That's why you can't stay at my place anymore. I can stay naked in your place? But also there's a baby now. You know what I mean? All right, I won't do that with the baby.

Naked Uncle Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's right. With all of us, it's fine, but you know. That's a crazy video. There's so many of these videos. I was going through. old footage. Yeah. I have so many

of those. There's a part, I think you've rested your penis on. Well, I'm startling as I'm hot, so fat. Oh, I didn't think so. Oh, you didn't? Just look good there. Yeah. And your penis actually looked like fluffy. I've always had a fluffy penis. It's never changed. No, like, it's like swollen. Yeah. There we go. It gets beat up every night.

Oh, God. By Alfonso. Kum. Oh, you named your Kumo? Kumo? Kumo? What is Kumu mean? Soros, teacher. Teacher. Oh, and your hand is your soros.

Right? And you teach the little one down below. Yeah. Right. Little shrimp. Like you get a paddle on, you fucking bird. I had shrimp chips. I mean, you can get them here, but.

Shrim crackers. I didn't have those. I think that's what you mean by shrimp chips. No, shrimp chips? Oh, it's shrimp. I think he just had straight up like. You had shrimp. Like from the truck?

No, I mean, they're technically, we call them shrimp chips, but they are shrimp crackers. They're shrimp crackers. That one, right? No, I have those. Or the big circle ones? Yeah, the big ones. Oh, yeah. Those are good.

But they're crispy? Yeah. It's a chip then. It's a chip. Yeah, yeah, okay. A cracker. Okay. What's the difference between a shrimp and a cracker?

I mean, not a shrimp. A cracker is supposed to be saltine. And then a chip is a salt cracker. Okay. By the way. You explained it. Hey, the blue nose is pretty cool. The club?

Is that where a Ralph play? Ralph and Renee. Renee played Blue Notes fun. Big stage. Pretty big stage. I played it. Tough. Well, I was hosting, so.

It's a tough crowd. Yeah. Did you hear? Yep. Okay. I was supposed to come back from Hawaii to hear. I was like, uh, let me just enjoy Hawaii. Next time.

I can't hear nothing. I just hear music. She was trying to tell me something. Bobby. Okay, so. Hey, congratulations. You know, your attitude? It's got to change right. No, man. No, man. No, man. No, man. Put your hands down, man. It's gonna take me wherever the wind takes me. You know what I mean? Okay, okay. All right, dude. You know, I was trying to use the restroom, but there's no public restrooms in the beach in Hawaii. So one of the surfers dudes, he's like, the restrooms. There's in the ocean, man, go poop in there. Yeah, make like an Oahu. Make like an Oahu. Is that the poop? Do you ever... Make like an Oahu is like a parrotfish, and they, like, you can see when they shit in the water. Is it okay to poo in the ocean? Yeah.

It depends what you're doing. I wouldn't go there. You're pooing. You're pooing. Yeah, yeah. I go in the ocean to poo. I, okay. Like, I have to take a shit.

I'm laying out. I got to go to the ocean to poo. If it's like a 911 emergency situation and I'm already in the ocean like diving, yes, I will probably. So then why is it wrong when I take, I do it when I take a bath? Dude, that's what I'm saying. That's crazy. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Why is that one is right, the other one was wrong? Let's ask Jordan. Yeah, yeah. I pee in the cold plunge. Who's cold plunge? At the spot. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.

Because I'll tell you why. Can I tell you why, though? Why? There's this Korean man there. I'm about to kill this man. I'm going to kill this Korean man. Wait, which spa is this? The same?

I can't tell it. Because I don't want to get in trouble if they listen, okay? But I'm going to kill this man. I'll tell you why. What I like to do is I like to go to the dry sauna. No, steam room, dry sauna. As soon as I get out of the dry sauna, I want to go straight to the cold plunge. But there's a Korean man there that goes, take a shower first.

Oh, I hate those. Right? So then I have to take a shower, which takes the heat away, right? So then what I do is I just pee in the fucking cold plunge. Because I know the heat likes to go in there. After you. After me, yeah. I kind of don't disagree.

you with you. Yeah, thank you. There's like this. It's a one called ethics. Well, no, because they do that sometimes. Like, you know, public swimming pool, say for instance, like very, like highly, strongly chlorinated. And there have been times where one time Bobby and I were straight up just denied because he was, remember that at the Castle Pool Park? That's right.

We're denied. He was wearing, like, Nike, like, sliding shorts instead of speedo trunks, which basically it's like Lycra and Lycra. It's like the same shit, like same material. real, right? But because it said Nike instead of Speedo, she was like, I'm not going to let you swim in there. You're like wearing inappropriate whatever. And I was like, lady, I'm like this is the same thing I'm wearing. Like

he's fine. Well, yeah, what do we have to do? We left, right? We didn't come back. Yeah. That was unfortunate day. But over there, they're like I can't speak today. I don't know what's going on today, dude. To me, man. I can't think. Hey, the tattoos, what do they mean? This is Filipino. I think it's him. Can I tell you? Yeah. It's got

me rattled. He's a new man. I don't like it. He cares about... A lot of confidence. He doesn't know shit. Yes, I do, man. No, you don't.

You don't know shit about Hawaii. Yes, I do. You come here with your fucking... You say it's America. You say it's a state of America. It's not a state. He even knows about the Hawaii. The housing crisis over there.

That's why he was like, I would never move there. He doesn't know about the housing crisis. Yes, he does. Housing. Housing. Oh! Snap! That's a sin.

Oh my God. Yeah. She's on New York time, everybody. Hi. You're on New York time? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Hi.

Hi. Aloha. Hi. Are you aloha, everyone? Yeah. Hey, who's dog is this? It's confused. It's fake grass, but he...

Is she going to take a shit? She's fine. She's fine. No, she's not stupid. Can I have that? Yeah. Take it. Yeah, yeah.

You want another one, Bobby? No, I have this. Okay. I mean, I wrote a song and no one's listening and all the things are happening. This is a game. I know how good the song was is that it like became narrative. Oh, right. You know what I mean?

Like poetry talking over. Yes, exactly. Spoken word. It became a part of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something like that. But anyway, yeah, it's not working. Did you sing on the comedy jam the other day?

No, I didn't even show up. Great. I'll tell you why. What? I went to the L-A-F-C game. I saw that. You met Sonny? You met Sonny?

No, but I took a photo of him. He was like right there. I took a photo of him. What is L-A-F-C? It's a soccer team. Oh. And I was sitting there with Stephen Youne and dumbfounded and the Asian guy from Dexter. What's his name?

I love him. What's his name? I talk to him so much. I love him. Lee? Oh, he's great. Yeah, what's his name? Vince Masuka.

No, that's not him. did it. Yeah, it is. That's not his name did. His name is his character name. You were talking about Dexter. Yeah, yeah, what's his real name? C.S. Lee. C.S. Lee. Yeah, yeah, C.S. Lee. Yeah, C.S. Lee. I love him. You like him? Yeah. What about him? He's a good actor. And he's this kind guy. But every time I see him, his name just kind of, you know, but he's a talented guy. Well, CS is not a name. Exactly. It's right. Yeah. G. F. Harris. If he said my name is Lee, right you remembered that yeah yeah anyway um congratulations thanks congrats what am i congratulating yeah because which one that's what i'm saying i got my name at the wall that's what i mean

and my special is now out now out because you're holding yeah and it's where where where can you Netflix Netflix check out Jordan Jensen's Netflix special it's out now yeah but the name i saw your name on the wall? And how do you feel about that? By the ground. How low it is to the ground? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, everyone's on the ground. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want a different placement? I can make that happen. I would like a different place. Can you choose?

Mm-mm. I don't think so. But I could ask. I like the idea that it's, if somebody could take their penis out and pee on it, and I could take a picture of that. If we could do that and make a Calvin and Hobbs style, you know how Calvin pee's on the for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand it all. Yeah. I'm right next to Matt Rife, two beautiful lesbians. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like that. Rife, die. Who else is on there? Cranky. Prize Picks. Picks. Price Picks.

This episode is brought to you by prize picks. You and I have to make decisions every day. But on prize pigs, being right can get you paid, buddy. Don't miss any of the excitement this season. or on Price Picks, where it's good to be right. Price Picks is simple to play.

Just pick more or less on two to six players, stat projections. And if you get your Picks right, you could cash in. Price Pix is also the best way to get action on sports in more than 40 plus states, including California, Texas, and Georgia. Price Picks puts their users first. So with all the drills, they're fast, safe, and secure. Price Picks invented the flex play, which means you can still cash out if your lineup isn't perfect.

You can double your money. even if one of your picks doesn't hit. What do you guys think if Jaden Daniels is against Green Bay next week? Will he get more or less than 225 pass yards? I've been thinking about this for 24 hours. My guess is less. My guess is more. Okay.

Okay, I'm going more. Let's go to us. Aaron Rogers against Seattle, more or less than 212. I love the Rogers family. More? More? I see less. Clala.

I see less. Okay, we're going less. And last one, Brock Purdy against New Orleans, 231. More or less. past yards. More. That's your team, Kalala. I say more.

All right. We've got our lineup. Download the app today and use Code Belly to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's Code Belly to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Price picks. It's good to be right. If you're boarding, you've got a good thing. You guys, Andre Ogazz, pretty good luck, but it could be better.

Mm-hmm. And no one plans for hair loss, I'll tell you that right now, but through time and Hymns, you can take the next step with confidence. Access treatment made with clinically proven ingredients like finasteride and monoxidil to stop hair loss and regrow hair in three to six months. No waiting rooms, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no hoops, no, no, just ingredients with a track record of results. So if you're starting to notice thinning hair, HIMS offers 100% online access to prescription treatments for regrowing hair in as little as three to six. six months so you can see a fuller head of hair by fall. No hidden fees, no surprise cost, just real personalized care on your schedule. Think of Hymns as your digital front door that gets you back to your old self with simple 100% online access to trusted treatments for

real health concerns all in one place. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. Hymns brings expert care straight to you. With 100% online access to personalized treatments, you put your goals first. For simple online access to personalize and affordable care for hair loss, ed, weight loss, and more, visit hymns.com.com slash belly for your free online visit, hymns.com slash belly. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monoxidil and finasteride prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Thank you. Frankie. Frankie. Frankie. Can you know us? Yeah, big one.

Frankie's a good big one Frankie Nunes Frankie Nunes You don't know him Frankie Munoz No no You have a problem With Hispanics

No Yeah yeah Wait did I meet Frankie last night Is he a big guy No He's a little tiny guy bald He plays Choloh

The Fit creeper Cholo Fit I don't know any of the L.A. stuff We don't know each other's stuff Yeah yeah Yeah you don't know this guy Yes I do But he's

There he is I know that guy This is what I know is the white with the blue eyes, one of God's creatures. He is a great kid. Although, Munoz, that sounds a little Latino. Yeah. Munoz? Could be Italian.

Because when he was on Malcolm, I was on Mad. Bigger show, Malcolm, obviously. Thank you. Yeah, but a bigger star, obviously. But we, all the press junkins and stuff. So that's how I got to meet Frankie Munoz. Well, let's move on from that. He's nice.

He's a kind kid. Really? Yeah, yeah, man, no. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. I think I would get along with Shia LaBuff. He's great. I think he's extreme in a way that I might find refreshing.

You would love him. Yeah, I think so. Because he's so kind, too kind. If he likes you, he's just so, have you met him? Is he too kind? Is he eye contacty kind where they, like, have obviously taken a seminar on communication? No, he's like, come on, do you guy. Look, hey, man, you're killing it.

I love you, man. I like that. But what you're talking about is really scary, the ones who've taken the seminars. Have you been on those dates with those dudes where they're like, you can, you can tell that they're not listening to what you're saying they're just practicing how to be a human and they say your name a lot jordan yes yes they say the name a lot it's like the car salesman tactic oh my god it's exactly that it's really brutal teach me it's like where you're looking at them and you're like how long have you been playing piano bobby nice to know where did you grow up bobby

can i try it's yeah can you open your eyes a little bit more thanks nope let's stay look at me I know, but I want the camera to know that what I'm doing, my acting work. You need to buy the shoes with the pointy toes. Look, Tom Hardy, right? Really good. Really good. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jordan? That's great.

There's no alms. Yeah, you're not cocky enough. Oh, fuck, man. I can't give me another shot. These guys don't. I think, could I not do the eye thing? Yeah. Because I'm concentrating on the eye and then it's fucking out my fucking verbal.

All right, you said. I have to be cocky. And nodding. Yeah, and also just like really close. Like, obnoxiously contented. Yeah, how long you've been doing comedy? No, I can tell. You're weak. What?

I was so confident. Can I try? Yes, please. Hey, how long have you been doing comedy? No, you're genuinely want to know, and I like that about you. Dude. Yeah, yeah. That's your mom's situation.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, here we go. Mike. Yeah, yeah. So this Netflix special. Oh my God, that was exactly it. Yeah, yeah. The body was exactly it.

Oh, my God. It's, yeah. I can do this. Yes. They're real comfortable. and if they're talking to say they're talking to you bobby they're going to be touching you yeah yeah to be like just so you know i'm engaging in because it's like the trauma of being that girl across that guy is yeah it's really fucked up it's like lift like so i'm too nice to be that guy

you're too no you're too am i weak or nice no you're too horny you're too horny so when i'm talking i can see that you're like yeah you know well i don't find i don't find either one you ladies attractive. Okay, I think that you find anything. No, no, no, no. It's a hole and hearty baby. So, um, all right, so I'm too horny. Okay, I can't be, I'm not alpha male.

What you are really good with is telling your stories, like, confidently. You're really good at talking about yourself. Yeah. What these guys do is next level because they pretend listen. They don't give a shit. It's just a very rehearsed pretend listen. You think I'm listening to you right now? I'm not.

The best at it in the whole world is my mother, my lesbian mother. She's so... Why is everyone lesbian in your life? Except for me. You're by, right? No. No. I've tried.

I don't like you. You're hetero. Yeah, yeah. I'm hetero. You got a nice tan going, too. Thank you so much. You know, can I say something? Yes, please.

As you get more successful, you get Hawner. Do you want to know why? That lady in the corner. That's my trainer. Wow. And my boyfriend. Yeah. And she's got a nice tan

She's got great legs I observed them last night I'm not doing it a non-sexual way But I was looking at you last night And I'm like What? Why can I observe? I'm an observer Yeah yeah

What? She had full cargo shorts on yesterday Yeah but I just I can see through it Yeah yeah yeah yeah I can see right through it Yeah yeah yeah I can see the structure You know I mean the tan everything You know I mean Wait I have a real question about

Louis Bueno by the way Who's that blonde woman who came in last night my ex-girlfriend Is that actually your ex-girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, Sarah? Yeah. She is your ex. Yeah.

So that was a real exchange. Have you met him? No. Yes, I have. Hi, May. Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah. Where do we meet?

The comedy store. Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah. I gave you water one time, remember? Were you like working? No. You're a comic? Yes.

And you gave it to me? Yeah. I asked for it? Yes. Well, asked for it because I thought you were the help. Yeah. Really? Does it bring me the water?

This has happened in before. Ms. Pat asked him for a shrimp or something one time. Oh, yeah. The little treats at the Netflix party. Oh, yeah, she did. Oh, yeah, pig in the blanket. Oh, yeah, pig of the blanket. So the funniest thing happened last night that you weren't even privy to that involved you.

Great. Right. I love this. Yeah, it's the best. Right. So there was this girl, Andrea Jen. She was supposed to come here today, but we told her not to come. But great added information.

Yeah. And she goes, so for weeks, right? She was like, I just, you know, I need to make amends to Jordan Jensen. What did she do? Just, yeah, let me say. Oh, she's a recovery girl? No. Oh.

And she, I go, what do you mean? She's like, yeah, so one time, you know, when I was a younger comic, I did a show in New York, I was bringing her up. I forgot her name, right? And then, you know what I mean? And she was totally cool about it afterwards, but then I was weird about it. Like, you know what I mean? I didn't know, you know what I mean? I think she thinks I'm a weird person or this and that.

And then last night, you looked at her and go, Hi, are you a comedian? So all the things she believed in her mind, right? And I, like, did it internal, you know, your laugh, right? It was a beautiful moment. Wow. You didn't even remember.

Dude, that guy. You don't recognize Asians. Oh, maybe that's what it is. No, it's all of them. It's every, no, that's not true. White hot guys, I know. Right. Like Jeff Dye was like, hi, I'm Jeff.

And I was like, we've met like nine times. You know what I mean? But I'm always the nine times. he's hot. He's just objectively like a, I'm scared of him, like, because he, those were my bullies. So I know to be like, that's Tom. That's Derek. Avoid it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I know about that. But everybody else. I don't know if, do you know, recognize people? I recognize everybody. I just, you do. The names is what I have a problem with. The names is bad. Yeah, I'll look at their face and go, oh, what's up, dude? But I also am like,

I'm like, I'm looking at people all on the train. I'm like, I'm pretending to have lives with every single person that somebody walks up to me and I'm like, I know you and they're like, you don't. And I'm like, oh, I've fantasized

about knowing you. But don't you think that in comedy clubs it's more important to memorize people's faces and stuff like that and names? Not a girl who is the host

and forgets my name. I'm not to remember that. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, but she was, and then she blushed. So when you go, yeah, are you a comedian?

She goes, yeah, I'm a comedian. And you go, what's your name? And she goes, Andrea, and you shook her hand. and you kind of started talking to somebody else and her face turned red and I her and I left

I know her from 10 years ago or some shit yeah but she's also rising like she opens from Malini and Bill Byrne that's good because I love that girl I don't understand I don't recognize anybody

I know but is if we spent an hour together talking like getting into the shit I'll remember your insecurities I won't remember you I remember that you'd be like I'm an alcohol Then I'll be like, I know you. Oh, yeah, yeah, I, yeah. If you're just a person, a round.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. Are you sober still? Yeah. Well, I did poppers the other day. Oh, what's a popper's the gay drug? It has to do with your butt hole, right? Loose, buddy.

Come on. I mean, was it in preparation for something? Poooo. Yeah. No, it was just at a wedding. My gay friend had said I had poppers and I went, and I did that. I think it counts then. Really?

Yeah. It counts as a what? I'm not like a recovery. I'm a sex and love addict recover person. I'm not really an addict. Like I did Coke for a year and then stopped And I stopped drinking alcohol Because I'm addicted to sugar

Yeah But I never I'm not like a Sex and love I need to be on that I think Yeah Sorry Yeah yeah

It was a more The sex or the love for you For sure All women Mine's love If you're sex addict And you're sick You're sick in the head

I actually I believe that More so than Believe what What I just said Yeah Because it's really sick It is

It is because if you're trying to come over and over If you're that stupid as a woman Like men it makes sense You guys pulling your dick all day You love it but as a woman you know better Than to be obsessed with orgasms But love addiction is real Yeah

I just stay in bad relationships forever I don't love it I don't love pulling my dick out in doing that No no no I'll talk you the other night I made love to a woman And I did I know what after I made her orgasm You know what I said? Look at that okay look at this

This is when I wake up in Hawaii. Okay. All right. This is when I wake up in Hawaii. See, I'm just a normal nomad. Normal, dude. Yeah, a peaceful nomad. Just minding my own business.

Are you petting his head? Yeah. That's awesome. That's normal behavior. Wow, your dick is so black, huh? Size wise. Well, I got the Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, you got a big black cop.

I went to Turkey and I got that operation. You know what I mean that you can get. Spudweb. I think it was Spudweb. Oh my God It was the Spudway I forgot I didn't have the money back then

Yeah yeah yeah yeah But you never You've never broken up with anyone No Can I just finish what my story was In the second or what What's going on here dude What's going on?

I mean railroaded You know what? Jaime hasn't said anything All right This isn't trash Tuesday Sorry you're right Okay You're right

He's the alpha He's listening Okay I forgot what I was gonna say You had sex with a woman The other And I made her orgasm And you know what?

You know what I said I said ma'am I said, I don't need to come. That's because you're getting old and it's hard for you to come. If you could come, you would have been like, hold still. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, can I be honest with you? I think that was, because it was the second time we did it. Yeah, that's so tough. Yeah, and I was like, I know I can't do it. Wait, an attempted back-to-back as a 54-year-old man, like that's impressive. Dude, that's great. For a 35-year-old, they don't do that.

Yeah, that's crazy. The back-to-back. was from the night before though that's still back to back at this age I did it the night before and then we did it again and I just what's so funny back to back five days

back to back back taking the ethical perspective on taking the ethical stance and saying that you did that for her needs is crazy yeah I can't orgasm unless they orgasm first to be honest with you oh because you get in your head no I just

want them to feel the pleasure and then I can just do you know my you know my style Go on, do your thing now. Talk about your woman thing. Because I feel... One time... I'm sorry. Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead. No, you go. Go ahead. One time I was having sex. What's up? I was having sex. This is a difference between sex and love. Yeah.

Yeah, we know that. Well, because you said you were making love last night, right? Or the night before. Whatever. When you're making love or you were having sex. Oh. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, yes.

Well, you know what? I always make love. I believe that. Thank you. With that penis, I believe it's always love. You know what? Why did you show her my penis?

Right. It's amazing. It's really nice. Yeah, yeah. If I had a penis and I would want that. I would want everything to be tight. I don't like this. When you see tight, is it small?

No, no, no. It's close to the body. Different. Way different. Is it small? She's seen it. A wreck? He's basically and you have a tight pussy.

You have a tight pussy. That's a compliment, man. You never show that photo again. Oh, that video. Okay. No, you're fine. You're fine. Thank you.

Average. Hey, that's good. Average is good. You don't want more than that. I don't like that. Let's talk about other things now. Yeah. Let's talk about other things.

Hey, me, go ahead. Yeah, yeah. It was a while back. And I was having one night stand. I'm going to get to it. So basically she said that, oh my God, you feel so nice in me. I don't know. Gilbert almost like.

Hi, maim. Is that bad? I thought of a some more. for something. It's thought about eating a some more and being like, you feel so nice in me. Yeah, yeah.

A penis is... I mean, we say, it's hard to talk while you're having sex. It's hard to not... Because you just have to be like, you're in there. Yeah.

You're deep. That was the grossest thing I've heard of my life. Well, I didn't say a she. I understand, but even if she said it, for you to say that out loud that that happened,

it's fucking gross as fun. They didn't make you feel like, oh. I was confused. I was like, it is? We're confused. Is that how you responded?

Well, she wanted two tickets for the show. She's like, you're going to give me two tickets? I was like, for her and her boyfriend. Yeah. But I don't know. I didn't respond to that. I was like, oh. I think that she's just dirty talking.

She's just dirty talking. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. It's good. Yeah. That would throw me off anyway, anything like that. And you'll go soft.

I wouldn't go solve. I just like I would in my mind go I don't believe you I wish you number one I don't believe you yeah yeah

and number two it's like I wish you wouldn't accept that for me it's like alchemy in your 20s I felt like I could have been like fuck my vagina

you little bit right I could have said anything I wanted and they'd be like yeah okay in your 30s you can throw them off easy

like you if you said I feel good in you they could easily be like now I'm soft like it is like weird tinctures and you can't do

anything weird because it brings up stuff with their mom and then But in your 20s, they were just, we were just drunk and you could call them different names. Sure, sure. And 54, too, it's like, is it alchemy?

What? I thought it maybe came back. Like, maybe it was back to being like, whatever, I've seen mother nipples, you know? Yeah. But it's still alchemy. It's alchemy. When you say alchemy, I don't know what you mean. Alchemy is in like, they have to be exactly like this.

And maybe if they move like this, that'll throw you off and make it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For me, it's alchemy. Yeah. Do you need, like, it to be porny or can it be? No, no porn. No porny. Christian. Christian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It needs to be Christian. You know what I mean? Yeah, totally. Yeah, like missionary for style. Right, eye contact? Yeah, no eye contact. I don't like eye contact either.

Yeah. That throws me off. I keep my eyes open, which is a little scary. Yeah. Well, you have big, I mean, googly eyes too, so it'd be very creepy, I think. Also, people think I'm going to dominate them. Yeah. Oh, we were just talking about this earlier.

Yeah. About dominatrix and how Bobby's just not, doesn't feel as though like he would ever. I think he would love it. I don't know. I think so, too. You put in a diaper and told you a little baby. Do I have to poo or no? You don't have to poo?

Oh, okay. You got excited. Yeah, yeah. Poo, yeah. You don't want a woman to be like, get down on the fucking floor, bitch. I will if I can pool. Yeah, you can poo. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, couldn't I poo? I mean, is that a part of it or no? You would have to ask your, you would have to ask permission. Yeah. Oh, do I have permission to poo? Yeah. But do I have to do the fucking thing like the alpha male? Can I poo?

Hey, about this poo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I do it? I would do it my own organics. I would be, this is what I would go. I go, excuse me. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good little. Well, then you have to go yes. Yes. Because I can't, if I had to do an excuse me, you have to. Excuse me? Yes. Please. Um, can I poo?

No, you can poo and I tell you to poo. That's even better. Okay, now you can poo. Because then I can control it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I really have to poo. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Very good. Very good. I think it'd be fun to be a dominatrix. Yeah. I feel like you'd be really good at it. Would you dominaterix me as our relationship? Because we're friends.

Like right now? No, just in general. Like, let's say I go on the paper and I go, you know, I don't know where you get it, but like. The paper. Yeah. You go to the like, I don't know. Newspaper? I don't know where you get it?

At the bottom's? Yeah, at the back of a newspaper. Where do you get them? I think website. Website. I go to the website, right? Jesus. And your face is blurred and I go, oh, the body's okay.

And I go, you know, and I go, click. then we I meet you right and it's and I discover it to you would you still go through with it well I don't have to have sex with you so I would just be bossing your out I would do it right now for free totally okay okay yeah you would hit me and stuff yeah that's all it is right you don't have to have sex with them or anything yeah yeah it's your rules yeah yeah and I don't think you got anybody in the room is into that nope right nope nope let's just move on from it okay just make simple love man okay Christian love like I do yeah yeah baby's oh oh what am i mean what is it that's life you grow up you do your job

make kids this is hawaiia yeah why you fucked you up you know they open my just got back to why were you there together no you went alone no no hey guys it's burke christier you're going to see me and my butthole on tiger belly in a few weeks but the permission of Party World Tour starts September 18th in Rockford, Illinois, Milwaukee, St. Paul, Duluth, Eugene, Oregon, Morrison, Colorado at Red Rocks, October 1st, Salt Lake City, Idaho Falls, Nampa, Yakima, Lincoln, but more importantly, Tiger Belly, my butthole, Bobby's Butthole, I'll see you then. We just got back for Hawaii. Were you there together? No. You went alone? No. I went with some friends. nice now is Ian

finance jealous that you you can still do a pod with them right yeah but I haven't been there in weeks but yes I do yeah

is he jealous that you got passed and he didn't he's just annoyed because he was past I'm the one that did it wait what happened yeah he was past

and then I'll tell you what happened I'll tell you what happened all right so Emily uh huh the booker before the new one

I go Ian finance she says I get it I know I know he showcases for her he slaughters in fact me and Santino

showed up for his showcase and I made it a point to be there so I knew that he slaughtered so there's no excuses afterwards I go what do you think

she's like yeah I mean he's a shoe in then she gets to let go new person comes in and this is what makes me mad and I want to and I did it a little investigation by the way

right the new talent career goes I go to her I go well Ian you know, God kind of got past her. So nice, good friend. Sorry. All right. And she goes, yeah, I heard

he bombed. And I go, who? And then she goes, dormant and other, like, you know, people that work there. And I'm like, give me the name. She said, I can't do that. Because I was going to fucking go to war. And now he's out. Do you hear that? Yeah.

Okay. Now he's out, right? And now I don't know what to do. So I was working on a farmer's market this weekend. That's not high energy, dude. Oh. You weren't working at a farmer's market. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. What were you selling? Beef jerky.

What kind? Beef jerky. Deer jerky. Oh, he was actually. Deer jerky. Oh, you really were? Yeah. Oh.

I was hoping a friend of mine, her stepdad is deer hunter, and he wanted some help at the farmer's market in Dallas. I was selling beef jerky. And did you sell a lot? Yeah. Very nice. I used to sell corn. Porn, wow. No, corn.

Oh, corn. Yeah, yeah, not porn. Oh, corn. Looks, you're talking about sex. Yeah, yeah. I worked at a farm, right? Yeah? And I used to pick up corn in the morning, and it's sell them at a farmer's market.

So I understand, we have the same history. I did it for every day for, like, a whole summer, and it was the worst job I've ever had. I can't even, I even think about it now. Why? It was, here's what it is. You pick up corn, you have to, I used to have a truck, loaded onto my truck, five in the morning, then drag piles of corn, like a heap of corn. You know, right?

Also, different kinds of corn. White corn, yellow corn. I had to separate it, right? Right? Then I had to unload this corn. You're talking about 50 tons of corn. No. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know the weight. You know what I mean? And then go to the stand, unload all this corn, buy my little itty-bitty stuff. And also, I'm like 19 years old. Yeah. I'm a little bitty, 80-bitty. I've got 19-year-old muscles.

Okay. Then I'm loading it, loading it, onto this table and all the, you know what I mean? Organizing, putting the corn sign up. Yeah. Big hefty corn sign. Right? Right.

The register, all that stuff, right? You're just describing a job. This is crazy. I understand. I understand. Let me just finish. Taking money from people, giving them the product. Like a slave.

No, yeah, yeah. And then, okay. So at the farmer's market, guess what? What's the hottest thing at the farmer's market? Coffee. No. Corn. Oh.

Oh. My corn's was the hottest thing, okay? You're talking about a mile out the window, right? Outside, right? Wow. Yeah, right? I'm like a fucking devil dog.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm like a work dog. Devil dog. Like a chupacarpal workhorse. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Right. I'm, corn, corn, you know, changing money.

You're like 50,000 different things going through my mind, my friend, right? Look at the energy I'm doing that. I know. It's amazing. It's really good. And then by the end of the day, and you're talking about a 12-hour day, baby, right? And the left door are husks and all that stuff.

I've got to clean it. And then I got, you know, and I'd bring the inventory back to the farm. I got paid 80 bucks. Damn. A day? A day.

Wow. Yeah. All that for that. That's a line. I got paid 140 for 12 hours. What the fuck? Those be jerky. It's all packaged.

It was all clean. And you're working by yourself or you're all alone? I was by myself. Yeah. I used to be a bean farmer, no offense. You did a meat farm? Bean farm. Oh, tell me about the beans.

Organic bean farmer used to go out in the big combine and go like this to the crops to roll the dirt over, whatever that's called. Is that hard with your hands, though? When you go like this, you go like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then plants it. It takes forever when you do it with your hands. Put a cedar. That's the old way.

The old way. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you did that. How long did you do that, beans? Oh, it's like two summers. Oh, my God. so explain to me how this works

you wake up in the morning how old are you 19 you're 19 same so we all did manual label at a young age I've been doing it the whole time this was the easiest job the farming you get to ride on a thing

what why'd you laugh at that George's family is my parents are farmers yeah yeah this is like this is like a nostalgic I want to go back

what kind of farm yeah nursery for ground covers ornamental plants Oh I have no idea landscaping that was tough Wow you did I did landscaping

Let's go to the back to the beans You wake up in the morning Wake up in the morning Coffee Get picked up in a big Ford F-250 Is that a plane That's like a plane Woman dating my mom at the time

A hot lady Okay We go first we have to fix some shit Giant wrenches and stuff We always had to fix some tractor Oh my God There's always a tractor breaking down Yeah

And then you got to drive it down the street. Everybody's honking at you. Yeah, the fuck, I went. I don't know how. Wow. I don't know how. And then you go and you scrape it or you dig it or you hope. Whatever the fucking thing that's on the tractor is doing, that's what you're doing that day.

Oh, my God. And how long? 12 hours? No. No, nine hours. Nine hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nine hours.

And then you're sweating. Sweating. I have a thick layer of deat because the bugs attack you. So I have a thick layer of deat. And then I was writing jokes That was before I started comedy So I was writing jokes on the thing And they kept getting in trouble

Because I would write jokes And then it would go like this So the whole crop would be fucked up See that's I think that that's so important You know, some people You know what I mean I'm not gonna name names You know I mean

There's some people right But there are some people like us Right That at one point or another We're in a situation Where we're like I cannot be doing this For the rest of my life

Yeah It gives you motivation and the energy to, you know what I mean? No, I was talking to a rich comic about this recently about how he grew up rich and he was like, I was privileged and I was like, no, you weren't.

I spent my first three years of comedy talking about my bad jobs and everybody I worked for. What do you talk about? Your Game Boy or whatever, do you know what I mean? It gives you so much material and you have so much energy because you're like, I'm not a bean farmer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice. Is that the worst job you've had? I don't, I've had so many jobs. The worst jobs, I mean, I've had so many, because I was a carpenter and then a contractor. Like Jesus. Like Jesus.

Because that's what your dad does, right? That's both my parents. Oh. Yeah. I dug holes. I like digging holes. Yeah, yeah. That sounds really fun.

Big holes sounds fun. It's very meditated until you hit the rock. Because my holes were deep. What were you digging holes for? I don't even remember. Or just dig the hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was a construction.

They could dig the hole. It's a grunt. You were a grunt. Yeah, and take a shovel. Yeah. The holes I dug? Deep. Deep holes.

Deep holes. Yeah. Gaping. What? Worst job ever? No. The worst job I've ever had was, oh yeah, armor. Armor security.

Armed? I drove one of those armored trucks. No, you didn't. I swear to God, dude. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was me. Looks like me.

Yeah, yeah. Looks like you. Yeah. Hey, your mom, what does your mom do? She's a contractor. Yeah, she's a contractor. Kind of ironic. why is it ironic

a lesbian in the country I just find it funny it funny sorry it's not ironic it's on the nose is what you mean to say oh yeah it's the opposite of ironic

it's on the nose sorry yeah it's the opposite it's like her being a Subaru sales person would be on the nose

ironic would be a lesbian who works for you know okay Cupid or something or what's a hetero thing

marriage church oh yeah what's a hetero thing to do real estate real estate is heterol. Real estate is for people who snapped.

Yeah, my sister. Snap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yoga instructor or real estate. Yeah. I don't know that there's a lot of hetero things because of the village people.

What do you mean? Right. Yeah, the village people kind of throws it off for me. The village people, YMCA. No, but there's a cop, you know, a native, you know what I mean? Constructural workers. So, you know what I mean? What are really hetero jobs?

Doing lashes. I was going to say that nail tech. No ticks. Yeah. It's pretty straight. But it's not hetero. If it's a man, then it's a gay thing. Yeah, because there are a lot of male nail text now.

Yeah. I like the male net. But they're always talking shit the whole time. You can't. I never see you with like your nails. No, I can't. I look like a trend. Look at how dirty they are right now.

I look like one of the girls from white chicks. Oh, really? Yeah. Whenever I wear, it looks like. What about like a, I do like a little bit of a, um. I like that. I did that for a wedding, but I peel it off so fast. Yeah.

Well, you don't like this? No, so that's a color bride's shoes, remember? Yeah, yeah, anyway It's calm, I call it calm Yeah And yeah, but I always It looks like I should be palming a basket It looks

You have nice hands I disagree No No, you have nice You have Chopin's hands Oh, you have bigger hands than me That's incredible That's hard to like beat

Yeah Yeah, but yours are small The other direction They're just They're thin long Yeah What are yours? Your palms are big

Gecko I could stick Are your feet Fog? Huge 10 You have 10 feet Yeah

Yeah What do you got? nine adorable I love nines nine's average nines yeah yeah yeah do you get your feet done or no yeah got to get pedicare

or else shit gets crazy oh really yeah it's horrible isn't embarrassing if you if your feet are ratchet and you're with a guy or whatever I don't like ratchet feet I hate feet in general

I hate men's feet I hate when any feet but if a guy like I can I show you my feet no no much better yeah but if a guy had these feet would you be like

Oh, that's Ratchet? No, that's nice. He's really had a glow up in the foot department in the last, like, five years. I hate Ian's feet. They have little fucking, the toenail comes out like a big hoof. I hate pig feet. Well, there's an extra fucking nail in the toe. I don't like that either.

You got a good score. You got 4.26. What? And your feet, your wiki feet score. That's awesome. That's really good. What's mine? I think yours is a five.

Let's see if it went down. But then you kind of cheated with that, I think. I did not cheat. I did not cheat. Ethan Klein's No longer even than that. I'm taking you off the database. I'll look again.

Check it in. Oh, look at that penis. Well, I'll just not use it. What's mine? 4.81. That's great. Wow.

That's really great. That's like so high. Thank you. Oh, those are great. Yeah. Ian is 4.6. Yeah. Okay.

Did mine drop down under a four, Gil? Yeah, let me see yours. I'll check. Let's see. Why drop a fortune on basics when you don't have to? Quince has the good stuff.

high quality fabrics, classic fits, and lightweight layers for warm weather, all at prices that makes sense. Everything I've ordered from Quince has been nothing but solid. Quince has closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters from just $50, breathable, flow-knit polos, and comfortable, lightweight pants, and somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed up dinners. That's the best part, Andrea? Everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. Oh. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out

the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markup. And Quince only works with factories that use safe ethical and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. What are you wearing in Hawaii? You were wearing Quince? Yeah, man. I was wearing 100% organic cotton mesh stitch button up

sweater polo. And everyone was like, whoa. And I go, you've never seen 100% organic cotton mesh switch button up sweater polo? I think I might get one. What's a called again? 100% organic cotton mesh switch buttoned up sweater polo

Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince go to quince.com slash belly for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns that's Q-U-I-N-C-E

dot com slash belly to get free shipping and 365 day returns Quince.com slash belly Who's doing this? Who is looking? The people.

The community. Yeah. I don't know. Now I want to get a bad score Glala, 4.85. Four point. Higher than Bobby? That's good.

There's a lot of penis. That's really nice. Yeah, why is there a penis? Why is there so much? Yeah. I don't like it at all. What was that? What are you guys doing on that thing?

It's a lot of people. It's an advertisement on the WikiFeet about a penis blog. Oh, because WikiFeed is sexual. So how do we get Ian? What do I do you think? Tell her to audition him. Do we like the new Booker? I don't know.

I did me. Do what you did last week. Just call the Booker on the phone. Yeah. Like Rick had, well, Rick Glassman isn't passed. Yeah. And so we called on the pod rose and like put her on the spot and it was upsetting. They don't like that.

They don't like to be called on pods, I've noticed. Any industry. They really don't like it. I know, I know. But I do it. I don't care. But he should be passed. He's so funny.

He is. Also, here's what I want to say. He's so different than what we have. Yeah, yeah. And I want to say this. I'm going to take. some of my gripes out right now, if I may. Why drop a fortune on basics when you don't have to?

Quince has the good stuff, high-quality fabrics, classic fits, and lightweight layers for warm weather, all at prices that make sense. Everything I've ordered from Quince has been nothing but solid. Quince has closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over, like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters, from just $50, breathable, flow-knit polos, and comfortable, lightweight pants,

and somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed up dinners. That's the best part, Andrea? Everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, quince gives you luxury pieces

without the markup. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. What were you wearing in Hawaii? You were wearing quints? Yeah, man.

I was wearing 100% organic, cotton mesh stitch button up sweater polo. And everyone was like, whoa. I go, you've never seen 100% organic cotton mesh switch button-button up sweater polo? I think I might get one. What's it called again? 100% organic cotton mesh switch button up sweater polo. Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash belly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-C-E.com slash belly to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash belly.

when I go to I'm going to get in trouble for saying this maybe play the piano while you say it okay okay um

no you can't talk and play I can't okay say your gripes while you play because I think that'll

soothe it a little I on a Friday Saturday night at the comedy store I don't I can't I can't

it's so hard to do you know what I can't chew fucking gum and you know what I mean blink either yeah I mean, yeah, it's difficult for me.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't two do things, two things at one. I can't even speak. I can't even speak English. I can't even speak. I took two Ritalin. I know what was the problem.

Riddle? He did that last time. Like we're 13? Yeah. Ritalin, why not Adderall? Because I was thinking too much. Oh. But when I kick two, I think.

You slow down. Yeah, two less. Do you panic at all? Do you get sweaty palms? Let me feel. Well, he has legit ADD, so it slows him down. Oh, really? Yeah, it calms me down.

That's nice. What was I saying? You were saying Friday and Saturday. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I hate is, you know, the lineups, like the seller. There's a long lineup. Yeah. But it's like me and Mark Merron are the anchors, right?

And it's like, I feel pressure that every time I do a weekend show, there's just not enough heat around it. Yeah. Right? I don't, you know, back in the day, it's like, when I looked at a line, I'm like, sometimes in the line, it's like, Jay Leno, you know, Arsenio Hall, like these kind of names, then it feels like, what?

So you could bomb. I can experiment, you know what I'm like? It's like, also it's like I don't feel the weight of like, you know, responsible for the draw, right? And it's, we live in L.A., we live in Hollywood, you know what I mean? And it's like, we need people like Ian and you and these kind of people to fill in these gaps so that I don't feel like I'm carrying it. Like when Sam Rerell was here last week, you know what I mean?

He was on the lineup where I was like, oh, God, thank God, Sam's on. I feel pleased when I see, you know what I mean? And it's not a slam toward the other people that are on the lineup, right? And I get it. Young guys should be able to get in and out and be able to get spots. But why me and Mark, the only draw. What about Sebastian? He's never there.

Ever. He never calls in anymore. You know, he's at a new place. I had a dream that Wendy Cummings had to bring me up after her. And how did it go? I don't know. I woke up. I think I crushed it, though.

My audition was Whitney Cummings bringing me up. For real? Yeah, it was scary. I was scared. How long ago was that? Was it a dream or was it real? His are all dreams. My auditioned Whitney brought me up.

That's weird because this happened last night and she brought me up on the main stage and the comedy store. In your dream, you're in my dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, don't shake my hand. Just come up here. Like, why did he shake my hand? It's just more of a nightmare. It was like three minutes.

it sets. But then you said you crushed. Did you crush in the dream? I think so. I can't remember. I've never crushed in a dream. I've never crushed in a dream either. I always bomb. Yeah, yeah. Forget my pant. Yeah. Bomb. I have nightmare like movie dreams. Like? We're like, I had a dream once where I was like

I'm on set. I'm on, like, and then somebody comes up to me and goes, you're not even in the movie. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, what am I doing here then? I don't know. I didn't know how you even got on set. What movie did I just see you in. Happy Gilmore, too. Happy Gilmore, too. Were you in Barbie? No. That's Simuloo. That's Simuloo. No.

Yeah. Who's Simuloo? Pull them up. Pull them up. And if you think I look like Simuloo, thank you. It was me. No, I know who that is. No, not at all. Jesus Christ. Thank you so much. No, it must have been Happy Gilmar. Yeah. Because I saw it and I was going to post. Bobby's in it. But everybody was, that was crazy. Everyone's in it. That was crazy. That was crazy. Were you in it? I wasn't in it.

Okay. I thought everyone was in it. It's crazy. Yeah, it's too much. Good job. Good job. I had no line. You did a good job. Okay, thank you.

Yeah. I have another movie coming out that's going to be pretty good, I think. Oh, yeah? Are you allowed to talk about it? No, I don't want to say it. Okay. I'm in a movie coming out called Is This Thing On, directed by Bradley Cooper starring Will Arnette. Wow.

Oh, you're in that. I'm in that. Wow. Lines? One of my lines was, we should fuck tonight. But you're, but you have, who is, you're saying with? Who's your scene with? Well.

Wow. And Bradley Cooper were so good at being like, is this right? What do you guys usually have on the tables? How do you usually sit? Just be yourself. Yeah. But then when he was in my face being like telling me how to act. Yeah, yeah.

That was so sick. Because as a comic, you want to kill yourself all the time. You just want to die and your thoughts are just like you should kill yourself. You suck. You suck. Yeah, yeah. But with somebody being like, this is who you are, think these thoughts right now, you're like, I would love to think any thoughts that aren't mine.

Yeah. So acting, in my opinion, so much. easier and better than comedy. Not for me. So much. Why? Not for me, baby. Comedy is, you have to make your own life funny constantly. Yeah, because it's like Bradley Cooper's at your face, right? Right? And it's like, you have, I have

already made choices the night before. You know what? When I say this line, I'm going to do this. Is that Laura Dern? Yeah, Laura fucking Dern. I love her. Yeah, she's incredible. And guess what? Guess who was the nicest person? She was the nicest person on the whole side. She was so nice to me. I had an intrusive thought at one point that I was going to bite her because I have intrusive thoughts about biting people. But also the thing about Laura Dern

and she has dated the hottest, the coolest. The coolest. Jeff Goldblum, Ben Harper. You name it. She's just such a queen. Jordan Jensen right there. God, why did they use that? I like that picture of you.

That's amazing. Who else as a comic is on that? Chloe. Oh, yeah, Chloe. Where's Reggie? Where's Reggie, my man. Derek Gaines was so good. Wow.

Peyton Manning is so tall, you guys Did you have to audition? Yeah, I auditioned, I had a sinus infection Amy Sedaris, I love now I mean, I loved her before but as a human being I had to read and I had a sinus infection It was a Zoom and my thing kept tipping over

And my dog kept running into the screen And they were like, you're perfect This is exactly who you want Wow I watched the trailer and the comments were like Why couldn't they just get a real comic to play? It's okay, dude Oh, you know what I mean?

Because he wasn't, his character isn't a real comic. Comments, don't read the comic. And everything. Lesson learn. No, I'm just saying because they were like, get a real comic like, not you Bobby, but like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not you Bobby, not a real comic? No, you're a real comic, but like, yeah.

Okay, never mind. Well, Gillis really helped them out because I guess Bradley Cooper was like, can you write some jokes for them? And Gillis was like, no, have him be bad. You write bad jokes if you want it to be an open mic. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Which is good. Yeah. Gillis would have been good in the movie.

Anyway. I wonder if he's in the movie. No, he wouldn't have been good as that guy, though. He's likable immediately. So when you do a movie like that, though, is your confidence higher? Yeah. Because when we got cut out of a jackpot? Dude, physically, literally cut out?

You mean when they actually cropped out? You know about that? Your studio. That was really nice of you to try. I tried. You're really good with that. They had me and Ian on either side of Bobby while he was reading. And then they just cut out me and Ian on either side.

It was crazy But yeah Confidence way higher Way higher because I had a makeup lady She changed my life She did my makeup for my special She taught me how to do my makeup She taught me

They taught me how to do my hair Actually they said my hair was pretty good On its own But they taught me how to do my makeup And they taught me how to be Make myself attractive See what people don't understand This is what I don't like

People call me and they go You're killing it right Yeah But to me it's like You feel like you're killing it more When you're in a thing like that totally that I understand from the girl's perspective because why just having someone make you pretty yeah it's like I think there we're so hard on ourselves like day to day today today especially if like

you're a bit of a tomboy like me like I don't do my nails I don't do my hair I don't normally do makeup so when someone is dolling you up oh my god the vibes are high you think you're someone you're not you really start to believe you're important yeah and they have a dressing room for you and you're like, yeah. Yeah, but is there something about Bradley Cooper

giving you notes that make you go, oh my God, like, you mean as opposed to comedy? Yeah, it's a different kind of excitement. I'm on stage being like,

my vagina sucks, I suck. And in a movie, they go lights, camera action, and you're like, I'm a person with a face. Like,

it's comedy, you have to hate yourself because, and also it's, you need a laugh every five to 30 seconds. I know, and on the screen,

you don't need anything. I know. It's like when you're pretending to play guitar you feel so much cooler than when you're doing stand-up because you're like they would just be listening to the music which would be so sick

as opposed to the stand-up where they're like next one please next one please that one was okay that one was better than the last one and you go fuck that's my new joke because that's my fucking old joke

and it's a constant rotating evaluation of if you're good or not whereas the movie you're like I'm in a movie who knows if I'm good or not comedy's hard man it's really fucking hard last night in the belly room

I was like you know I had a team around around me and they're like you gotta cut the fat on this one and I go it's just you know I mean it's two seconds it's two seconds yeah but that's so important the two seconds yeah you know what are you doing but you can cut the fat post up you're just yeah yeah yeah post yeah I'm in look what he's doing his he's covering his he's hiding his notes with his hand what what does some of the notes no yeah let's read the notes yeah let's read the notes why is there so much super glue and can I put on my hand and peel it off that's why that's why I don't

I'll just read one. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm obsessed with it. I read one. I make Jordan. Yeah. Wait, what brand is this? I mean, what style?

That's not the right one. Yeah, there's two styles that are at the back. This is a school glue. No, the school goal doesn't work. The props, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have the other one? There's no glue? There is glue, but it's the wrong one for the...

It's the wrong one for the kind. Why wouldn't the school glue be the best one? It's not. It drives weird. Oh, okay. But here's what I do. I make complete glue hands. Yeah, I know.

It's like we did when you were kids. Yeah. No, no, no, you don't understand what I'm saying. I do every square inch. No, I do 15 layers. 15 layers, and I peel it out. It's a complete glove. Like a statue.

Like a statue. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's too much riddling, though. And I do it on the road. To feel good? No, I just don't know what else to do. I'm so bored that I just make complete gloves and feet and everything.

That's a perfect one of the, you know those memes that are like, he's cheating on me? And then it's what he's actually doing and you're just. yeah yeah yeah but what's stranger is I stuff it with tissue paper so you have a complete hand there and I leave it for the maid and then he oh so when they clean they have this weird glue hand that's awesome you still paint them I paint them yeah yeah yeah I color them I paint them I also do this so when I um put the glue on on the first couple of layers I'll cut out like newspaper clippings and stuff like that and so

that they oh right so when I peel it when you shalack them into it when you see it, it's all these, it's art. Do you ask for that in your rider, the glue? The good glue? No, I just go, I go to, do you do this? Do you do what I do? What? I don't bring anything.

Yeah, I don't bring anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't bring nothing. Yeah. I bring underwear, though. I bring underwear and socks. Yeah. And one pair of pans, a couple of t-shirts,

but I'll go straight to the CVS and I'll buy my whole weekend supply of stuff. Yeah, I get my face wash, I get body wash. I get glue, two bottles. That just usually suffices. Yeah. And then I'll get acne patches. Because let me say something, dude. Why?

Every night, there's something deep happening. I know. You know what I have to bust out. You know how many of those stickers I use? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why every night? Why are you saying night? Every night I look in the mirror.

I go, there's one of brewing. But also like an old timer. I say it like an old timer. I say it like an old timer. Have you heard of this right here? Yeah, it's a nose. The triangle of death. Can you look it up, Gilbert? No, you're right. It's the oil.

Yeah, so when you get pimples in this area and you try to pop it, like you could cost like an occlusion and blindness things. Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you saying? Look it up. Oh, my God. I swear it on. I do it every night. What are you talking about? Really? Yeah, and that's why. Do you get faint when you're popping blackheads? Sometimes I get faint. Yeah, exactly. Like, especially the pimples right here. Oh, yeah. Those made me pass out. Me too. What is that? Like this one?

That one's out of, yeah. Yeah, yeah. This right here. Look it up. That's a triangle pain right there. Triangle of what? Oh, so it's the upper lip. Triangle of the Faye.

Why shouldn't we pop it, Gild? Why is it dangerous? Can it really kill you? Yeah. Okay, zoom in. Let's read it. Zoom in. You can cause a brain abscess, brain infection,

meningitis. Mediitis. Why pneumonia? How the fuck? A stroke. What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah, it's got to be real if it's on the.

What are pimple patches? Oh, the little stars people are? Yeah. Yeah. So what I'm scared now. That's what I'm saying you can't fuck with this area and you always do. Yeah. You're an oily boy.

You just need tea tree. Tea tree is great. How is the Ozempic going? Did you, because you were having the worst nausea ever. It's the worst. You still have it? Oh, yeah. Really?

Here's the worst part about it. I don't poo. I poo at once every three or four days. You try to do. You miss it? No, because when I don't poo for like three days, all of a sudden every organ hurts That's what Sid said is that it's just poop in your body

That's how you lose weight It holds onto your poop That's when we got cropped out So you guys are sitting right next to them Literally Touching him There were a few times where we were like Fully had our arms in there

Wow I wasn't even invite You know what's irritating about that I wasn't even invited to the premiere Dude I just got a suit for the premiere of the movie I'm in And I'm so excited It's crinkly leather Lamb skin

Expensive it wasn't that bad how much was it it was like 800 are you going to I got the leather jacket and it all together it was like two grand

it was like no two grand I played two grand leather jacket leather bottom three grand three grand no I paid two bro I paid two

she gave me a discount okay it's really cool normally three yeah okay it was awesome we should plug it

what's the name of it Zaddi I love Zadigin Voltaire. Zadigin Voltaire. Shout out. Wow. I bought a suit.

When's the premiere? God, I'm so sick of wearing a suit on the internet. And people go, you're a fucking lesbian. You're a lesbian. I'm like, what? And it's feminist women calling me a lesbian. It's literally lesbians being like you're a lesbian. I'm like, isn't your whole life supposed to be not about telling people their sexuality,

but allowing them to live their truth? It's right there. It's the third one in. Yeah, the third one in. Yeah. That's what you got? Yep. And pants.

Okay. Why do you have to look like a, French assassin. I look like Trinity from the Matrix. I look like Trinity from the Matrix. Yeah. Who is a lesbian icon, even though... Why don't you wear a dress?

I don't like wearing dresses. Oh, that looks good. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when I wear a dress, there's always some girl in a suit, and I feel like Eleanor Roosevelt. But why do you care what people say on the internet? Because I'm really sick of being a,

what I would call, like, a empowered woman who's interested in, fun stuff like cars and stuff and that meaning that I'm a lesbian and I think it means that hetero women are not allowed to have any fun I sent her something the other day what did you send me I sent you that video of that

I don't know why but this really made me feel good and basically what it is is this lady oh right that one yeah yeah this lady I'll show you

fuck why is that happening Hey Jordan, how do you feel about Oh, so this lady right here Taylor Okay, look at it I could not give a, it's crazy How many people care about that It's like the royal family to me

Why would you ever care? They don't know you They don't know me They've never heard of me It's crazy So this lady right here Oh Jesus No, no, no that

Don't do that Don't do that Sorry Don't do that Sorry This lady right here Okay, if you can see She posted that photo

She got a bunch of negative Like people just ripping her apart right and she refuses to delete it good for her and number two she reads the bad comments and she asks herself this question why am I mad at this okay so why am I mad yeah yeah yeah and it's a way for her to like you know I mean do internal work on it

rather than take it personally because it's never personal right it has nothing to do with you mine is the zeitgeist of lesbians that lesbians have become almost anti-feminist you don't seem like a lesbian to me by the way thank you so much I've never looked at you Well, there's a lesbian. That is a weird, weird take, though, a weird thing to do to, like, really project, like, lesbianism onto somebody.

Well, it's just more... Based on their idea of, like, very heteroman things, right? Yeah. That is, yeah. It's just weird. When it's straight men being like, you're gay, I'm like, fuck you, you're a faggot, right? But then when you're... But when it's lesbian women who are, like, I was raised by lesbian women.

They are my people. I am from a lesbian tribe. And they're being like, you're a lesbian. and I'm like, your whole thing is not telling people their sexuality. You sound like your dad only in reverse. Yeah. And even if you were, who cares?

People think I'm gay. Although I do do this. I don't like that. People go, I think Bobby's gay. Is he gay? Is he gay? I could be. Who was the comic who had the joke

about sucking their own dick? And they were like, you know what it feels like is not, it doesn't feel like your dick is getting sucked? It feels like you're sucking a dick. I forget who said that. That's so funny. That's so funny. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's a really funny joke. That's what I always imagine. That's somebody's, by the way, but that's very funny. That is somebody's. Yeah. Who's it is, who it is, though. Because, and this is, I swear to you, this is why blowjoop suck. Like, you cannot get away from the chore of it all.

You can't, you can't. I don't like them. I don't like them. You know what? I don't like, I don't really like Filetio. What is Felicia? Like, I go, um. Female Blow Job.

When guys go down to me. It's a little tickle torture. If the man is, like, face down with his butt. up. Oh man. And then peering, peering like this. The butt up is so rough. Especially when they have some hips. It's over for me. I'm more like Vietnam War. You'll never see it. Yeah. In the trenches. Exactly. You better be bare calling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You won't even know I'm there. You'll look down. I'm gone. That's crazy. I feel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I don't think I've ever seen your ass up.

Thank God. Because we wouldn't have lasted a decade. But like that is truly like a pig. I don't care. If I don't care if we're madly in love yeah and you go down on me and I see that your ass is higher yeah yeah yeah yeah we're we're done that night we'll never speak again I totally I don't know that's a lot a lot it's just the arch if we're done we're never gonna speak again because it's gonna run through my mind or say something hey bud to arch your butt down yeah yeah yeah but too high yeah but too high but too high because that tells me like he really he likes the performance of I was arching.

You should name the episode, but too high. But too high. But with a blow job, what gives you the ick when we're blowing you? Nothing at that point. I don't know what, okay, here's another thing, right? One leg up, that would say. One time I, the other day I grabbed the- Taking a knee.

Literally, the knee's crazy. The knee's crazy. The other day, I grabbed her hand. So she's blowing me, I grabbed her hand, and she went like that, pulled it away. Oh, yeah. You wanted to hold it? Yeah, I wanted to hold it. Oh, I didn't want it something to do.

Like, yeah. You just start gluing your hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she pulled away. That was interesting. That is, maybe she thought that you were going to make her do the, some women are very against the hand mouth combo. Oh.

Do you know about that? No. You know how you have to do hand mouth combo, but some women find spit on their hand to be like the most repugnant thing. So maybe she was like, don't make me do the handmouth combo. Oh, I don't even know about that combination. What? Yeah, I've never done.

Well, she was into jihitsis, so maybe it was a jihitsu thing. Oh, she went jih tichita. No, I was like, I got to get ankle, like, risk control. Yeah, risk control, right? And all the time I put her in a Kumura or something. That makes sense. That's hot that you were fucking a jujitsu girl. I just said that for the joke.

Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, but, oh. Oh, check out, Jordans. There she is. There she is. There she is. Yeah. And I like the backdrop.

Did you choose that? Bro? Yeah. My backdrop. I had it in my mind, and the woman who designed it, she did a fucking Ari Shafirs. and she did it perfectly. She took it out of my mind

and put it on the stage. It's all ripped. There's burn marks on it. So Arsafir, because I'm doing a special. Guided me the whole way. What's her name? Lauren. I want her to do it to mine.

She's incredible. She's the one that did the candles? Yeah. Oh yeah. I want her to do my mind. I mean, I just had this thought and I had so many meetings with people and they'd be like, what about this?

And I'd be like, it's not quite right, but I'm not describing it right. And she was like, what about this? And I was like, yes, like trash heat meets Rocky Horror Picture Show. I wanted to look like somebody was like, Jordan, you're doing a comedy special, and I was like, okay, time to get my things together and, like, put them up. Should I do mine more like this backdrop?

Don't be too Bobby, but don't be like on the nose, Bobby. Oh, yeah, be more abstract. Where'd you from your specialized? I must have learned ironic so much. What does ironic mean? Ironic. Because you know what, Alanis Morissette didn't get it right either. Who?

That's ironic That's ironic It's like rain on your wedding day What did you think Colala's just sad? Like a person or I can't hear it right now Do you know that song? Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

It's like Rain on your wedding day It's a good advice That you just didn't take I've never heard that song But who would have thought it figured Ironic? He doesn't even know

You can not use it again. Try it again. Use it an example. One more time. Give me an example of irony. Irony. It is tough. That's irony.

No, an example. Oh, I don't know. Like, me working on the bean farm? No, that's on the nose. That's on the nose. What's going on? It's like, um... Like, I know this Mexican...

If you were working for ice, that's ironic. Yeah. Oh, okay. I know this Mexican family. Their gardener is a white guy. Ironic. Okay. Okay.

It's the opposite. Yeah. Oh, so like a white lady selling Mexican salsa? No, not really. Not really. Not really, no. That's cultural appropriation. Well, that's what the lady at the booth next to me was doing.

Okay, it's like you, you. No, just figure it out. Okay. Okay. Give me another one. Well, do you know what to think about it? And then give us your best examples at the end, I think. Yeah, that's a good way to work.

wrap it up. We're at the end now. Oh, great. Okay, let's hear it. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. A guy sending massage oil.

Kind of ironic, right? No. What? Let's make it ironic. Let's build on that. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

A guy's selling baby oil. Let's say this guy, this guy is really homosexual. Okay. And he's selling baby oil. I'm building on your story We're still saying

The guy who sells oil Yeah Okay Car oil Or baby oil Okay Let's take with baby oil Okay

Let's go with car oil Okay Okay And then let's tell like Engine oil Okay Okay And then let's make

Let's turn the guy Into something That would make The situation ironic That he's gay He's not gonna be able to develop the console. Okay, I'm selling car oil, but it's ironic because I'm actually against fossil fuels and I am a bicyclist. That's ironic. And works for like green piece. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Now

I understand. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Like you're an atheist, but you, you go to Catholic church. Kind of? That's just wrong of that person. You're an atheist, but you're obsessed with collecting Bibles. There you go. Okay. Yeah. You're an atheist, but your favorite type of is, you know, Renaissance Christian. Or you sell Bibles for a living. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. Anyway, that's...

I'm trying to move away from sales. Wait, what would be an ironic backdrop for Bobby? There we go. Because you called it ironic. What would be an ironic backdrop for him? So think about everything you know about Bobby. I don't know. Can't really see Bobby.

Pupos? Huh? What'd you say? Nothing. He said pupils You think I should do An ironic background I'm just saying he said it would be ironic

Like an old west town That would be ironic Yeah Old West very masculine Very hetero You know very strong Very tall Ironic ironic

Ironic Wait like very Kind of like David Goggins Giving like a talk Like that vibe Like hyper masculine Kill your inner bitch I don't want to do that

You know what would be cool Give me an advice. Like fucking, like, sleek, slick suit by the end of the set, you're naked. But when it starts out, it's like, oh, my God, Bobby's, like, reformed. And it's like a fucking suit guy. But by the end of it, you're-so you start off Ronnie Chang. Clean and Christian. I can't do it.

I already have my, I'm going to have mono-brown colors. Oh, okay. Like a monk. That's good. Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to do, how about just a wooden background, like wood? So a podcast set. Wood and flowers.

No, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you know what? That is your vibe. Yeah. It depends on the jokes. What's the jokes you're telling? Pretty gross.

Gross? Yeah, about race, about my dad. What about, so then maybe have, like a very studio Ghibli, like soft studio Ghibli. Yeah, soft studio Ghibli. Yeah, cute. It's like, that's what I want to do. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Soft.

Soft Studio Ghibli. What's studio Ghibli? Look it up. The studio Ghibli is Haya Miyazaki. He has these, like, animated movies that are very, like. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. Like a town.

Like how about a student could be town? Oh yeah, AI got in trouble for copying his. Yes. Yes. Like a little cute town. That's not ironic. That's not ironic. Yeah, Kiki's delivery service.

Yeah, Kiki's delivery service. Yeah. Kikis, even like Totoro. Totoro. Yeah. What are you doing, man? Totoro, man. Do the Totoro one

It's really sweet. Totoro, man. Totoro, man. Totoro. Yeah, so cute. Can you dress his tootro? Can you put the little? Can you cover your face as cosplay? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Just cute and Ghibli-like. Mm-hmm. What do you think? I like it. That's you. Yeah. I like it a lot.

Yeah. You're going to need some stuff you can climb on, monkey around. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But my jokes will be, like, about penises and all that kind of stuff. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. That's cute.

All right. Okay. Cool. Your jokes are more than that. Stop doing that. Oh, yeah, yeah. You like my name. Come on.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Jordan, you have any dates you want to plug? Punchup. Live. Oh, when does this come out? Next week. Greenville, South Carolina. Keep going.

Come on. You go on. Eugene, Oregon. Ooh. Then my Europe tour. Go past that. Go past that. Fuck that.

Nashville. San Diego. Where do you play in San Diego? American Comedy Club, I love that room. Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah, yeah. Cleveland, Ohio. Anyway, go to our website.

Punchup. Yeah. Slashup.org slash Jordan Jensen. Watch the special. Just go click it. Make it to the end. If you're a man, you got to see the end of it. It's very important for men to see the end of it.

Is, um, have you played Raleigh improv? Yeah. Oh, no. I've done good nights. Yeah, but there's an improv that I heard. I don't know. I'm about to play it. Oh, why wouldn't you do good nights? Isn't good nights in Raleigh?

I'd rather do good nights, but they book me in the other place. They do that every time. They always, I would go, I want to do Charlie's good nights. Then the next day I know, you're playing the bigger room because they want to make more money. But good nights would be so happy to have you. Yeah, I am, I, yeah. They do that every time. It's whoever they're in bed with.

Whoever the agents are in bed with, that's where you're going. You have to, like, put your foot down. I need a manager to put my foot down on the, like, I need a separate person to be like, hey, you can't, Jordan needs Two weeks off or she's going to have a mental breakdown. Why can't you do that with your agent? I can't do it myself because I don't think enough ahead to be like, oh, maybe I don't want to do. Here's what you get an assistant. Okay.

Because she. What does the assistant do? My assistant. Like laundry? No, so all my agents and everything, right? Have to go through her, right? Yeah. For my schedule.

And she is the one that goes, he can't do that. What about a manager? Well, I have a manager as well. You know what I mean? Yeah. But you can, yeah, but if you want to pay the fucking, you have to pay the manager 10% of your. I know, that's why why I get the assistant. If the managers could be the scheduler.

Just depends on the manager. Either way. Okay. I was giving you a little fucking suggestion. But can assistants do like bad stuff, like stuff that, like could they go? No. Get like white shirts. Oh, yeah.

Really? Yeah. You could say go get me white shirts? Yeah. Like a box of them? Yes. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

I want an assistant. Yeah. But in terms of the scheduling, it's great. But also. Also, bookers. You know all the fucking, Mark, I don't want to send her the names, all the bookers every night, every day they text you. Can you do this?

Can you do this? Yeah. They just go through her. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I do that, but with my manager does it. But I have two names. The reason this assistant, it works well because she is not like a comedy person. Oh.

So she doesn't give a fuck who's calling her. That's nice. You don't get the pressure. Nope. And she doesn't care. Even if it's like a big thing coming down the pipe for him, she's like he's already here and he needs this week off. No. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. All she cares about is the calendar. I like that. Right. As opposed to my manager who's like, we could squeeze this in. It is a big deal. So maybe you could do it. Right.

The manager. Nothing's a big deal. Right. Except for the white church. Not to Melanie. She's like, nope. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fun.

Okay. Anyway, give Jordan a round of applause, everybody. Woo! No.