TigerBelly - Luenell & The Time She Robbed A Bank

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Actor and comedian Luenell Campbell (Borat!) enters the Slept Kingdom for the 1st time. Ian Fidance stops by at the end so stick around. We chat cat people, Sia's house, "Just like an Asian", Apollo, tongue game, hotel roleplay, Rush Hour 5, and death on stage.  Chappelle's Home Team - Luenell: Town Business Ian Fidance Special

Did you hear about what happened to EJ? Hey, don't look at me. Don't a morning dub. Oh, well that's dumb. Can you get on the mic real quick? Yeah, sure. Don't let morning dubs attack your face. What happened? You've been on our show before, right? I think I just... Tell them how you got bullied because Bobby called you... Oh, yeah.

...Henry Potter and everything. So I set some stuff on the table and then Bobby started singing the Harry Potter theme song and I started getting messages from high school friends like who haven't spoken to me since I graduated like bullying me. Bullying you again? Yeah they started calling me like hey Harry Potter, hey Harry Potter, like multiple people. So you got a second wave bullying from your old Harry Potter. Are you not the Asian Harry Potter?

I don't know about that. Okay so tell us about the morning dove. I'll tell you why he's not a Harry Potter. I don't know about that. Okay so tell us about the morning Dove. You know I'll tell you why he's not Harry Potter. He's a little wand. You're not a wizard. Liar. Bobby you got attacked by a crow. I did and my dad, he goes, next time you take, he took my backpack and he goes, do this, right? You do this. And then he broke the chandelier. I remember my brother, my brother remembers that. And I go, I'm not gonna do that.

You know what I mean? But it was crazy. Oh my God, that's so wild. But why would a crow attack you? Like you had to have done something to it. No, I used to put seeds on my head. You're so dumb. So dumb. Ballad. Yeah. But why would a crow attack you? Like you had to have done something to it. No, you should put seeds on my head. So sad. So sad.

A balance game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a challenge. It's a Minnesota game. What did you do to this morning, Doug? No, I woke up at like 6 a.m. Me and my girlfriend were like in a fight. You have a girlfriend?

I have a girlfriend. That's insane. It's pretty. Hermione. It's a new thing. Dude. Dude. Harmony. Harmony. Harm's a new thing. Dude, dude. Dude. Hermione. Hermione, Hermione.

Hermione, Hermione. Hermione, that means old. Grandma. I thought Hermione was grandma. It is grandma, I mean. Is that Korean? No, it's fucking Dutch. I'm sorry.

Is Dutch a language? It is, yeah. We're good. Nobody liked running. Yeah, and I ran like the most miles that I've ever ran. Yeah, I'll tell you about you, Harry Potter. Dude, that's Harry's laugh. Yeah, it is.

Dumbledore, whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! That's his like Quidditch celebration laugh. Yeah. I'll tell you this, man. Hang on, I wanna hear this.

Oh, let me see, can I make an observation though? You know, usually human beings, you know what I mean? The color of the skin is, right, the color of the skin, right, is a different color than the lips, but not this guy. Beige throughout, baby. His lips are like chameleon. No one's ever said this to me before. There's no border, there's nothing. It's just one color and that's what I love about you bud. Oh. Yeah, yeah.

You're like a muppet. I get bullied so much. How's that being bullied? You're not bullying him, he will, which I love. Yeah, yeah, so everyone. Did you need stitches? I didn't. I thought I would, it was a lot of blood.

Everybody at the clinic who I told what happened, including doctor laughed at me and then she was you don't need stitches We're just gonna give you a wrap and they gave me like a red direct looking rap and That's like a really pathetic story You're a pathetic human. No, I like you a lot though. You're great. You know, I'll tell you this. Out of all the people that have done tapes with me, you're the best.

How dare you? I've done some good ones. Have I booked food because of you? You did not get beef with me. I never got anything with you. Well, to be fair, he was also in full relapse. Have I booked with him? I think you got close on one person. Wait, wait, did you do, who did Borderlands?

I did. Oh, you did Borderlands? Yeah, you always book the ones I do with you. Ooh. Ooh. Sorry, what you do. Yeah, hire people to do, it's great. My notes are great.

His notes are clear though. Yeah, yeah. His notes are very clear. Thank you. Yeah, are clear though. Yeah. Yeah. His notes are very clear. Thank you. Yeah. What are you fucking laughing at? Will you stop doing your little whimsical fucking Hogwarts laugh?

I did the last. Woo! Yeah, I don't like it. Anyway, so if you were a Hogwarts, I mean a wizard, what would, what, what? You were a Hogwarts. If you were a Hogwarts. I just woke up.

Why is it, every time I just, I'm here on my way, you just wake up, huh? Lately, but you were working up early before. I did, I sleep. What's your normal wake up time now? God, maybe. Non-podcast day. Cause right now it's one o'clock.

Probably two. Oh, two, yeah, that's what I still assumed, yeah. Yeah, probably two PM, one, two, you know. But what does it matter? I just know if there's been improvement. My life! Yeah, it is, Jesus Christ. God.

Take that out, it's too much. Oh, keep it in. I'm so proud of you. Thanks. Yeah, you're an actor too, no? I am. Yeah, you work a lot? No.

Interesting. I'm just sad. Ever. I had, no, I am yeah you work a lot no Ever I had no have you worked ever yes, yeah, what have you done? No, no Where's it? Who I love those. Are those crocs? They are. No, during the run, this little girl reached out to me because I had knee surgery. Yeah.

On Instagram, and I was a staunch croc hater. They're ugly, they make your feet look like Mickey Mouse feet. But when she made these like this, she sent me two beer, then I ordered seven pair. Wow, those are really cool. You smell so nice too. She's our mother. Whoa, those are fucking bling bling.

They're really good, right? Are those real diamonds? Yeah, no. They look so good. These are real diamonds, but those not on my shoe. Wow. What are you wearing? It smells so nice. It's a, should I put these on?

If you want. If you want, well how do you do it? Are there people on here? Are there people? You don't have to, I don't. Are there people on here? No. What are you people?

Like I didn't know if you took them off. You mean I'm not on there? Yeah, but I can't hear you. Oh, you can, okay, okay. Anyway, okay. What am I wearing? I'm wearing a scent by Bond Number Nine. I love Bond Number Nine.

You love Bond Number Nine. Which one is it? Which one do you have? I don't know. What color's the bottle? Yeah, what color? White with rhinestones on it. Oh, that's one of their newer ones.

My favorite. That's how I like my ladies. Which one is it? White with rhinestones. I have my ladies Why with right I Have the my favorite that I've worn for like 15 years as a sense of peace, but it's a bond number I have a purple one. I have that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good. Oh, yeah Is that Prince's a symbol on your hand? Yeah, and Michael's on this hand. Whoa Michael here. Yeah, and I have a prince necklace as well. But I didn't wear that.

Did you ever meet Michael? Only back when he was in the Jackson Five. You knew him then? You met him? Damn. How? Because my girlfriend and her mom and me had stalked the Jackson Five to the,

they were playing at a place called the Circle Star Theater back in the Bay Area, and we found out what hotel they were at, and we went to the hotel, and we were stalking them, and Janet and Michael were by the pool. No. And so my girlfriend pushed me out,

and so I see him, he see me, so I just went up to him and started talking to him. That's insane. Young Michael. How old was he? Probably 14. Wow. Hee hee. Anyway, um.

He hadn't gotten to that yet. Very good impression. He wasn't doing that yet. Dude, dead on, right? Dead on. Thank you so much. Do you pit them against each other? Cause I know people are like Michael or Prince.

Do you put one over the other at all? That's why I've got both. That's why I've got the Prince symbol and the bad symbol. Cause I like Michael or Prince. Do you put one over the other at all? That's why I've got both. That's why I've got the Prince symbol and the Bad symbol. Because I'm a hardcore Prince. Who do you like more, though? Well, I can't say because I liked Michael first. That's like saying, which of your kids is your favorite. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Even though we all have a favorite. But, yeah, I liked Michael first. I got caught up in the Prince thing for real. Then when Prince died, and then it was all about Prince, and then, but I said, but let's not forget about Michael. So that's why I got that. But I do have a really incredible Prince story though. They tell me a Prince story.

I wanna hear it. Okay, so there's a broadcaster named Tavis Smiley. Okay, Tavis Smiley, he's black, that's why your face would be black. That's why your face would be blank because you don't know who he is. I've never seen black people. No, you never can. Well, you're looking at one of the blackest right now.

Hey! Okay. Don't get... What's that? Nothing, nothing, nothing. Woo! Do you want to hear the story? Yeah, no, I'm just, I love black people.

So shut the fuck up. So Tavis Smiley is famous, clearly not to you. Tavis, let me, come here. Tavis Smiley. Tavis Smiley. Got it, it's in my brain. Okay, you can Google him. There's five people in here, somebody should do that.

Anyway, he has been on radio for many, many, many, many years. So I have done interviews with him before. And the last interview. May I ask you this real quick? Yeah. Why he has no eyebrows? Oh, I don't know. Why doesn't, there's somebody else I saw,

why doesn't Whoopi have any eyebrows? Good point, move on. Okay. Case closed. Case closed. Right, superficial shit. Okay, so Tavis, the time before this last time that I interviewed with him,

I know that Tavis has interviewed Prince several times. They became good friends. Prince gave Tavis Smalley the purple guitar that he played at Super Bowl when he played Purple Rain and it was raining. And it was my favorite of all time. He gave it to him. It's worth millions and millions and millions of dollars. It's actually priceless. Oh my God.

So I told Tavis, I said, you're lying, you don't have a fucking guitar. He says, I do and the next time you come, I'll bring it so you can see it. So I just interviewed with him, this is all on my Instagram, at Luenell, at L-U-E-N-E-L-L. If you look, the last time I interviewed with Tavis, he did bring the guitar. I got to hold it and everything like that. And no gloves or nothing like that. Question, question, question. And I got to ask for the shoulder strap.

Because if you look at the Super Bowl video, the shoulder strap was everything. It had its envelopes and everything. I forgot, and then I asked Tavis later, where's the shoulder strap? He said, oh, it's in the bottom of the case. I forgot to bring it out. So I wanted to do over so anyway your question was it's too late now. I forgot no That particular Super Bowl though, like no one can do a solo artist Super Bowl

If you're not Prince like he was the only person who could like command as like, you know, like a lot of Super Bowl performers Like they bring in Michael did it. Well Michael did do it. Michael jumped up Michael Michael had three imitation Michaels before he jumped on the stage and stood there for like five minutes. Out of a 13 minute Super Bowl. Plus Diana Ross had done the rain thing in Central Park. It was raining when she performed too? Well you weren't even born. I wasn't. I don't remember that one. When you say Diana Ross did the rain thing, it just happened to be raining that day.

She didn't, she's not Storm. And Prince. You mean from the X-Men. And Prince didn't make it rain either. She didn't go. It just happened to be raining that day. Right, and the eyes rolled back. You know Stormy.

But it just happened to be raining when Prince sang. He didn't make it rain. But you just made it seem like, you know what I mean, she did it for the show. No, she did it for the show. No, she sang it. Why are we fighting? Why are we fighting? Why are you hollering at me?

I'm not hollering at you! That's how I talk! Were you not born either when Diana Ross did her concert in Central Park? What year was that? Google it. 1983. Oh, you were born. I was born, I was 11, 12. Okay, and so she sang at Central Park and then it started storming rainy and she did

not leave the stage. She finished the concert in the rain. Well would you, we both would finish it, no? Yeah, yeah, we're professionals. How long have we known each other? Probably 15 years. Yeah. We've always been nice to each other.

Till today. Did you do a proper intro for Lanell? Yeah, Lanell, so. See? What? I didn't even get introduced. It was like, you know, I walked in here slowly,

talked to her for two minutes about my true before I sat down. Yeah, there was no window to fucking do it. You want to start it over? Yes. No, we're not starting over. Who said? They said.

They said. He's the one who said you didn't do the proper intro. So maybe we are going to fucking start over. Is this your show? It is my show. Oh, nobody told me that. Told you? Oh.

They just said Tiger Belly, but they didn't say you had anything to do with it. Are you being real? Yeah. Talk about fucking. He didn't say you had anything to do with it. Are you being real? Yeah. Talk to my brother. You didn't know why you were here. You didn't even know why I'm here? No.

When you saw me, you were like, what the fuck? I thought it was you, I guess. Really? You thought it was her show? Well, she's the white one. She's Asian. Why wouldn't I think she was in charge? Yeah, yeah.

That's true, that's true. I guess you're right. A woman can be the fucking charge. Thank you. You're sitting at the head of the- I never said that, Lanell. I mean, God. true. That's right. I guess a woman can be the fucking charge Thank you. I never said that line. I mean god

You'd be so aggressive. I you came in here, you know, I just feel like there's conflict. It's like 92 riots all over again And I'm a rooftop Korean, you know that right? I was Oakland during the riots. Yeah wasn't living here No, I'm gonna use you for looting living here. No, I didn't live here. I'm not accusing you of looting. No, no, I would have looted. Oh, you would have? And I have received sold-in merchandise. Yeah.

I'm gonna introduce you now. Okay, let's see if you get this right. No, a lot of people work with me, but they really don't know nothing about me. So I'm gonna say we don't know shit. Well, I don't know much about you. It's not a shame, 15 years you don't know shit. You don't know anything about me. So I'm gonna say we don't know. Well I don't know much about you. It's not a shame, 15 years you don't know shit. You don't know anything about me?

I don't care though. I'm not, I'm not interviewing you. I know, you're right, you're right. I'm not interviewing you. Absolutely. Well I know something, you were in Stars Born. Hmm. Bing.

One point. Borat. Bing Bing. Bing Bing. Right, that was a huge one. You know I've workeding. Bing bing. Two points. That was a huge one. I've worked with him before, too. Sasha?

Yeah, I was in the movie The Dictator. Oh. Oh, I, oh. And what was it like working with him? Well, I should ask you. No, I asked you first. We can finish the intro, the intro. Anyway, Lanell.

Woo! Yeah! You're not leaving. You're not leaving. You're staying. That's what I did to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's my face. So I found working with him was, I was a little intimidated and a little nervous, but I thought

it was great. I had no problems working with Sasha because the crazy shit that he asked you to do is no more than the crazy shit that he would do himself. It's not like he said, hey go jump in that Vatagelo and I'm going to sit here and watch. He's like, you go jump in the Vatagelo and I'm going to jump in the whipped cream. You know what I'm saying?

He commits to the comedy. Oh my God. He wore the Borat Trivia. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. He was always- He commits to the comedy. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. He wore the, Borat trivia, he wore the same suit for the entire filming of the show so that it would stink and it did. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, there was no second suit.

Yeah, yeah. If it got dirty or whatever, that's just what it was. The gray one? Just that same gray one? Yeah. And how bad did he smell? You know, European. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I know this pretty girl, she smells. I don't know what that's about, but anyway. I don't know why you said that. Anyway. What do you mean? Like from where?

From what part of her body is it coming from? Her armpits, her coochies? Everything smells like mildewy. And you fucked with her. Hi. Hi. Y'all good? Good. You fucked with her? Hi. How y'all doing? Good. You want to sit down?

Sure. Yeah, yeah. It's OK. Yeah, come on, sit down. Hey, how you all doing? At the table? Is she on camera? She's on camera.

Oh, please sit over there. Oh, sit over there. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I'm a publicist. Oh, you're not? Oh, fuck. I didn't know.

Yeah. I thought that she was your family member or something that you were having her on. I don't run around with family members. It's just that my daughter was out there. Where's your daughter at? She's out there. Oh, I thought that she was your family member or something, you were having her on. I don't run around with family members except my daughter was out there. Where's your daughter at? She's out there. Oh, she is?

With the dogs. Oh, good, good. You have a dog? Mm-hmm, you wanna see it? Yeah, I like the dog. Bring the dog in. Danielle, bring Dolce in! Danielle, bring the Dolce in!

Hey, where's this girl smelling from? She just, you know, I think she's poor. Oh. She doesn't wash her clothes off, but she's very pretty, but she just always smells. Wait, that has nothing to do with poor and not washing your clothes often. Please don't do this.

I'm sorry. That's rude, okay? I'm sorry. I know, and I should take back that European smell as well. No, no, no, that's fine. You want us to cut it off? Maybe. We'll cut it out, we'll cut it.

Whatever you want cut out, we'll cut out, okay? Okay, let's cut it out. Yeah, okay. Whatever you want, cut out. We'll cut out, okay? Okay, let's cut you out and let's talk about it. What is wrong with you today? I've always been so nice to you. We've always said hi to each other. Wait, what's the root of this relationship? Fifteen years ago, where was this?

I think that's- It's gotta be- Some game show or some shit or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've also seen you at comic clubs and stuff. Yeah, lots of times. Lots of times. I used to see you at the laugh factory a lot. At laugh factory. Like, I'd be walking in, you'd be walking out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've never like really um talked. Right. It's always like, hey, right? Yeah. Yeah. But there was a there's always been love. Yeah, but I think we did do something together though. I think some kind of game show or something. Yeah, something probably. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Are you, are you married, Lano? Not anymore. Yeah. What happened? Um, I got a divorce. There we go. You know, was he white? No, he's black. Black. Have you, do you date white guys? I have. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Great. It's not really the guys. It's really more their family. That's not so great. It's not really the guys, it's really more their family that's not so great all the time. Have you dated Asian? No, I've never dated an Asian guy. They've never asked me. Oh, that's a shame.

Is she coming or not? Bobby's single now. Oh, well, you know, I don't fuck with comedians. Thank you so much. That's a great role. Last time I fucked a comedian, the kid's about to walk through the door. Oh really? And that's what happened? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well it was... But it worked. I mean you got something great out of it. Yeah, she's about to walk in. What is does it go a lot? Does it a lot? Yeah, I can just go grab her. What's wrong, dude? What are you doing? Go grab her. She's scared.

Who let us in when we came? It wasn't like for me. Is she outside? No, she right there. Oh. Maybe she didn't hear you. But she texted. Oh, she did?

How old is your daughter now? You can ask her yourself. Oh, okay. You know women in their age. Oh, right, right. She doesn't like to reveal it. No, she's 28. Oh? You can ask her yourself. Oh, okay. You know women in their age. Oh, right, right. She doesn't like to reveal it. No, she's 28. Oh.

You can still... You can still reveal it at that age. Is she coming in? Okay. Oh, hi, Dolce. Hi. Dolce. Hi.

Hi, Dolce. They wanted to see Dolce. Oh, so cute, Dolce. Isn't she cute? Yeah, yeah. Are we on camera? Yeah. Is this going to be on YouTube? Yeah, you don't want it? Bring, Dolce. Isn't she cute? Yeah, yeah. Are we on camera? Yeah. Is this going to be on YouTube?

Yeah, you don't want it? Bring me Dolce. Hi, Dolce. Hi, everybody. She's cutting. She's a multi-pooper. She's cutting like a Jack Russell. Oh, really?

Hi, hi. Hi, hi, hi. Oh, don't get her all excited. She got up. Okay. Do tongue kiss, Dolce? Never. That's a white thing.

Okay, okay. Yeah, I kiss him. No, no. Yeah. She, that's a white thing. Okay, okay. Yeah, I kiss him. No, no. She's not even really much of a licker. Oh really? You see she's not like licking me on my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey Dolce. Wow, you sleep on the same bed with her? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a must. Like what's the point of having a dog if you can't cuddle oh yeah Yeah, and it does she have the she ever wake you up at night Yeah, because I got a pool yeah

Are you oh you guys live together no? Okay? Absolutely not But we look close proximity yeah, and we spend a lot of time together Three of us may be in the bed. I have three cats. You have cats or no? Oh no, definitely allergic to cats. Don't even like cat people. Sorry I didn't know that. No wonder we never fucked around.

What do you mean? Marlon Brando had cats. What? Look it up. Google Marlon Brando with cats. There's Marlon Brando. Yeah, I'm the Korean Marlon Brando. Are you? Yeah, they say either Brad Pitt or Marlon Brando with cats. There's Marlon Brando. Yeah, I'm the Korean Marlon Marlon Brando Are you yeah, they say either Brad Pitt or Marlon Brando usually. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I'm hot that way. I'm hot Are you hot? Do I think you're hot? Yeah look No, okay about you, but you're nice. Look you got the zeroes fucking shirt on. Yeah

Now now you might be hot. That's right. I'm hotty. Everybody don't know about that shirt. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you and I could do Rush Hour 4 together. Okay, long as I'm- Imagine a Rush Hour with me and-

Long as I'm Nick Nolte. Oh. I'll make so. We'll give you Nick Nolte. I can't believe you got a Ciro shirt on. They don't know. People know. It was before the comedy story with Ciro's, right?

But it was a real gangster spot. Yeah. Dude, you know, you know someone was murdered there. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I tell these people. But do you believe the comedy star truly is haunted? Oh, absolutely.

Oh, for sure. 100%. No doubt. No doubt. Absolutely. Absolutely 100%. I would never want to spend the night there. Absolutely Yeah, yeah, I mean you honest. I've spent the night there before yeah, and you a lot of comics have I have not like kinesis Sam kinesen

Carla ball rest in peace told me that when they go ahead I was doing it yeah But didn't somebody why'd you put a place for me jump off the the hotel next door to you? Yeah. Yeah the comic I forgot his name Steve something or another so oh, there's two stories alright, okay? So there was a guy named Gus who worked at Searow's he was a gangster and apparently he was murdered there Mm-hmm, and then his I've seen his ghost me and Johnny Sanchez. You know Johnny Sanchez Mexicans. We love Mexicans Yeah, we love me. Okay nothing okay Mexicans, we love Mexicans. Yeah, we love Mexicans. Okay, nothing?

Okay. I don't want to catch you with my jewels. It wasn't going to be hard. Okay, let's do it. That was really soft. Because you just did it. Okay, I'll do it again. Okay, did it feel better?

I see it. That was aggressive. It might have hurt too. Rush hour four. Let's not do that again. Rush hour four. It's perfect, right? Where you looking? It's not over yet. No, I thought my daughter We that again. Rush hour before. It's perfect, right?

It's not over yet. No, I thought my daughter would fill in here, but she left again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, it's not over. No, I don't want it to be over. Okay, so the gangster Gus died and his ghosts... So Sam Kinison and Carl LeBeau, when they moved to LA from Houston, they had no money, so they used to sleep on the main room stage. They would sneak in there, right? And Carl LeBeau told me one night, he saw Sam levitating by his ankle,

like upside down. Right? Yeah. And then another guy, Pete Gray, he was a doorman there and a phone guy, his spine got broken because he was walking down the bellroom hallway and his head hit the ceiling. But he's a short guy and the ceiling's high and it broke his spine. We never saw him again after that. Right? And so then another comic, I think his name is Steve, I don't know for sure, you can Google it, I don't know.

But he, so there was a strike and he crossed the line, Mitzi stopped giving him spots and then he jumped from the hi-at and he tried to land his body onto the... On the comedy store but he landed in that driveway. That driveway, yeah, the driveway, yeah. Right by the parking lot. Did you know that somebody jumped off the bridge

at the Grove in front of everybody? No. Recently? It kept it really, really quiet. It's not maybe through, okay, maybe four or five years, four years ago, I'd say. You know, if you go to the Grove, and you're in the middle,

and you're walking toward the parking lot, you know there's the first level of the parking structure, jumped out there, went splat, right in front of everybody at the restaurant and everything. They kept that motherfucker quiet, but it happened. I know, you would think that if you were gonna do that, I would Facebook live it. Well, the phone would-

Like Instagram, I would be like, all right, I'm gonna jump off the bridge. Ew. No? You want people to see your death, no? I do. Yeah, I want- Oh, you wanna see mine?

No, no! Oh. I wanna like, die on stage. Oh. I've had a fantasy like that too. Yeah, just drop. But how, what way, just drop? Yeah, just drop.

Okay. Or else in the bed, but I don't wanna go violently. Right. Like I don't wanna be stabbed, shot, drowned, airplane crash. Right. Nothing like that, that's a huge fear. 9-11 fucked me up that way.

Yeah, fucked me up. And now when I go up in high, high, high, high buildings, like I was just in New York, it's a really high building, and all I do is look out and go, if I had to jump or catch on fire, which would I do? So would you rather be on the plane or the building in 9-Eleven? Oh God, I don't wanna talk about it no more.

Oh. Well you brought it up. I know, but I can shut it down. But I can go there. I'll just say my can shut it down. But I can't go there. I'll just tell you my opinion. Well, if I was in the building, you have the option to jump or catch on fire. Option? And die.

Yeah. Because, you know, if you're not in the room where the plane crashed into, you're in a room adjacent. But now you're trapped by fire. Yeah. And that's why people jumped. So you're either going to jump, or you're going to catch on fire. I'm probably going to catch on fire.

You'd rather catch on fire. I would rather do either. We also don't know what that's like. I don't know what something out of a 63 story building is like either, but it ain't going to end well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not talk about it. It's crazy.

I know. I'd rather be on the plane. But anyway. So I just wanna go on stage. It's instant death, you know what I mean? What? I wanna go on stage or I wanna just die. But have either of you guys had any weird,

haunted experiences at the Comedy Store? I did. I saw Gus one night. You did see Gus? Yeah, me and Johnny Sanchez saw Gus one night, and then we've never seen that comic, you know what I mean? His ghost doesn't haunt there. I thought I saw George Carlin, but I wasn't.

That was actually George Carlin, he was alive. Oh, he looked dead. Yeah, he looked dead. No, no, I have a George Carlin. You ever met him? No, I didn't meet him. Yeah, so I used to work the back door. You know everybody, though. In your little short time on Earth, you've't mean him. Yeah. So I used to work the back door. You know everybody though.

In your little short time on Earth, you've worked with everybody. I've worked a little bit a lot. Yeah. I've been a robot for that. Thank you. I never quit. Just like an Asian. Wow. What? They don't quit?

No, you're right. That's a good slogan. Just like an Asian. Car good slogan Just like an Asian just like an age. Yeah, I mean car accident Yeah, I'm hungry 30 minutes after a meal just like an agent so anyway, um Just like it. Do you have Asian friends? Yeah Named Ali Ali Ali what? Fucking Naples one. Ali. Ali what? Wong Boon. Fucking. Yeah that guy. That guy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From San Francisco. I did a fucking show. Margaret Cho. Love her. Sherry Yamaguchi. And yeah, I got a couple of Asian friends.

Wait, Lunel, didn't you just go to the Madonna concert? I did. Yeah, because we had Kathy Griffin on my other show, the day that you guys were all gonna go in a group with Sia in the game. Sia and Paris Hilton and Kathy Griffin and me. Who did they hold up the plaque or the card that night? Nobody held up a card.

They might have said they were going to, but nobody did. Have you ever been to Sia's house? Yeah. It's so nice. Sometimes we go going to, but nobody did. Have you ever been to Sia's house? Yeah. It's so nice. Sometimes we go to her daytime things. She's such a, what a kind lady. She is. She's the best.

She's really like a little angel. Yeah, and I love her so much. She's so nice. I love her to death. And supportive. I just love everything about her. Yeah, she's mm-mm-mm-mm. She's yummy, she's great.

Yeah, she's great. And by the way, sidebar, Madonna's concert was everything. It was really gay. It was really gay. I don't mean like there were boys dancing where I'm talking about ball gags and shit like that. So it was really gay like that in a wardrobe. But other than that, and including that,

it was a really good concert. That's what I heard. She sounded good and she looked good. Her makeup artist must have painted the Sistine Chapel because that bitch looked good. Wow. And she sounded good, right? And she sounded good.

Did she sing Borderline? I think she did. That was my favorite song of all time. Mine is Vogue. Vogue is mine, that's it. And then she's saying Express Yourself. Yeah. And of course what's the one she did with all the boys. Just like a prayer. Like a virgin. Yeah. Just like a prayer. Like a prayer. Yeah. Like a prayer was iconic.

That music video is really good. They gave her such help for being in front of that black Jesus which you know he is. Can I ask you guys a question? So they say Taylor Swift's everything, which is fine. I get it, right? But to me, someone like Madonna, those songs that she wrote are so catchy and iconic. Does Taylor Swift have songs like that? I don't know.

Does Taylor Swift have a borderline? I think so. Give me one song. I mean, there's actually maybe over 30. She's very much like Madonna in that way. She's a hit maker. Okay. Yeah, and yeah, just different generations of it.

Different generations, and that's the key. But Taylor Swift was also very wholesome, and Madonna, I think, really pushed the boundary. Was like a little whore. Okay so Taylor Swift, my black manager took his mixed kids to girls to go see Taylor Swift at the time of their life. He said he'd never seen a stage as big as hers, a performance stage. I think Taylor is great. I think she's a good example for girls. Yeah. She, she sings about relationships and girls. I don't know any straight guys that are fucking with Taylor Swift, but the girls really like her,

and I like that she's not a little whore. I hope that Travis and her can make it, but Travis was fucking with them sisters before he got with Taylor. He was. Oh. I don't know, you know. What does sisters mean?

Family? Black women. Oh, okay, all right. I'm sorry. I didn't say sisters. I said sisters. Oh, ah, sister. Ah.

It's Asian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sister. I love when you guys, like you guys, fuck, forget it. We don't, we look. I know, I can't, fuck that up. I don't even, why did you say that? We don't fuck up, we don't fuck up. All the racial barriers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Wait, but didn't Madonna not have like AC in the show? Was that a real thing? Yeah, that was a real thing, but it wasn't as bad as, okay, we go again with the race. It wasn't as bad as, okay, we go again with the race. It wasn't as bad as the white people were saying it was.

Black people can take way much more heat than white people can, we're from a different part by the equator, you understand? So we can take heat and the white people can't. And that's why when we get in a car, like I hate to get in, you call an Uber black, it's fucking 40 degrees outside, you get in the car and they've got the air conditioning on.

I'm like, what the fuck, it's wrong with you, it's not hot, why is the air on? And they're like, well, you know, people like air. I said, well, we got four windows in this bitch, I can roll the window down. I don't need air conditioning in 40 degree weather. And when I did this show last night, I did John Mulaney's Everybody's in LA show last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many seats? 10,000?

Oh, no, no, no. But it was a live studio audience. Okay. But it was so cold in there. I said, I feel like I'm being punked. I can't understand why it's so cold. Yeah, yeah. But then they had a robot bring me a blanket. It's on Netflix. You can see okay That was it last night. Thank you. What a sweet guy. Yeah, but David Letterman was even sweeter Really let him was there last night, too. Yeah, who was there last night? well Cedric did a skit and he left and

It was Pete Davidson and it was Bill Hader. One of the most talented guys. Myself, and Letterman, and a lady that talked about earthquakes. Whoa. What is that, seismologist? Yes, and I let her know I too am a seismologist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she went up on stage and started talking about earthquakes.

She did first, and then Letterman came out, and then me and Bill came out together, and then Pete Davidson came out. Do you get nervous around Letterman? No, what I wanted to do was, I wanted to sit next to him, because I wanted to get in his ear about my goal, which is to be the next black female late night television.

Late night TV is just white man after white man after white man, it doesn't have any color and it doesn't have any women. So I need to be the one to break that. And actually, Yeah, why is that? Why is that? Because of the misogynistic bullshit that men do, the circle jerk on the golf course,

the fucking cigar smoke, all that bullshit. That's where they make the deal. Have you ever been in a circle jerk? Not yet. I've never been invited to one. If you haven't circle jerked by now, I hope you never do. Why? I won't do it.

Because it's over. Like that was some 70s poppers, aimless. Yeah, but what is it? People gather around. All you guys get around, fucking jack off in front of each other. And we just jerk, no porn, nothing, we just. Oh, I thought it was jerking the person next to you guys get around, fucking jack off in front of each other. No porn, nothing, we just- Oh, I thought it was jerking the person next to you off. Ew, that's even-

I think that's what a circle jerk is. Oh, I thought you'd jack off yourself in a circle for- Just do it alone then. Hey guys, let's go to the hotel room. I didn't invent this shit. I don't know what they do, but it's weird. In any event, I wanted to see was Letterman cool because I wanted to tell him about me being

the nightclub woman late night. Because I already worked for Jimmy Kimmel. You know, I work at his club in Vegas. I have a residency there. I've been there for four years. So I've talked to Arsenio, I've talked to George Lopez, I've talked to Jimmy, and I wanted to talk to David and get their advice about, you know,

do you think I should shoot a pilot and how should I, my ideas and stuff. And David was very nice. We took selfies, he sent them to Kimmel last night and we're talking about it and talking about things and I have his phone number now. Wow. You know that's, guys, you have something I don't,

you're proactive. Like if I saw David you have something I don't, you're proactive. Like if I saw David Letterman and I had ideas, I just wouldn't say it. Right? She has, she, that's great. But Malaney, John, thank God he had me on his show, I would've never, when was I gonna meet David Letterman? But, and as much as I owe to John Mulaney,

you know, I wanted to run past him because I wanted to get over the Letterman. And that's all I was focused on, that's all I cared about, and that's what I did. That was last night? Were you there? It's on Netflix right now. Go to Netflix and watch.

Go watch it. There's, what, everybody's in LA. And go to the earthquake episode. and there was a magical night last night It was yeah, I've had a terrible Netflix week. Why I didn't do anything. Oh No one's been by there probably on your way out, honey Just like an Asian On your way out, but then we sneak up come back. Yeah, like po yeah. Just like an agent on your way out. But then we sneak up and attack, come back in. Yeah, attack. Like, poh-bo.

Anyway, uh... Are you too busy doing movies and shit? Aren't you doing movies? Ooh, Lala. I have a couple, but it's like... Ah! Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay. Ah-ha.

Yeah, yeah. What, are you working this, uh, movies? Uh, no, I really don't, uh, care about movies. I care about television. Why? Because of the live audience. Oh, I see. You know, but nothing else beats doing live stand-up.

You know, because the thing about it, if you do a sitcom, right, let's just say, which I've never done. That's insane! I've never been on any cast of any show. The one show that I did eight episodes on was George Lopez's show. Right. You know, nobody's ever had me on this show for fear probably that I will steal the scene, which I will, but unintentionally. Unintentionally, you know? So the thing about doing a sitcom though,

is you're gonna get a table read, you're gonna get rehearsal, you're gonna get blocking, you're gonna get dress rehearsals like doing a little mini play, and then you're to film on Friday or whatever like that, right? When you show up for a movie, you show up and you start shooting. You don't get no motherfucking, hardly any rehearsal and I'm not good like that. I'm not an actress. I'm a comic who acts.

You're very good though. I'm a comic who acts but I'm not an actress. I can't do the double-wears Prada I just want to say this okay Whoever fucking works in movies the PA or whatever right? Do they have a walk? They know what time is they go six o'clock in the morning you show up Three o'clock in the afternoon you might might right? Well, just bring your iPad and lay on the couch

and go to sleep. But I hate to get made up and then go to sleep and then get made up again. Right, right. That's annoying. And also it's like, you know, they have to cover your, do they cover your tattoos? Yeah, they've covered my tattoos before.

And then it's like, sometimes, I've been on sets where they go, we're not gonna use it today. I've been here for 15 hours, bitch, What the fuck? You didn't know that? Sign the timesheet, count your blessings. Fuck it. We should be grateful. Yeah, get to check. Thanks for the opportunity. Get to check. I got the check. Yeah. I mean, the SAG minimum, whatever. I mean, it's annoying, but it's annoying

in a trailer with air conditioning or heat. Yeah. Bathroom, microwave, TV. What are we whining about? Yeah, I find that movies now, because they're so low budget, you don't even get a trailer. Oh, I'm gonna get a trailer. I had one last night. Oh, wow. You asked for it? No. They just give it to you? That's right.

Well, you're a queen, though. Well. You know what I mean? Is she not a queen? Just like an Asian. Well, why was that just like an Asian? Complimenting? It wasn't. I just threw it in there. Oh. Hee hee. Hee hee. Why was that just like an Asian? Complimenting? It wasn't, I just threw it in there. Aww.

He he he he. Luna, how'd you get your start? When'd you start comedy? How long is the show? An hour. It's a really long story. Wait, please. No, because I'm just going to name more black people that you don't fucking know. Yeah, I know all the black people.

You should test him. Yeah, test me about black people. Okay, so the first- James Baldwin. The first- Don, game over. The first night that I did comedy- Rosa Parks.

And I did not want to do it, shut up. And I did not want to do, I wasn't, my goal at that time was not to do stand-up comedy. When? I was back when I started. What year? 30 something years ago. I don't know.

I don't even know what year this is. I'm fucking high. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. So, but I did go to this comedy club because my roommate was screwing this comic and he said, you know, he would be at the house,

I'd be talking shit. He said, you're very, very funny, I run this club, if you ever want to come down, you know, blah, blah, blah. So I don't tell jokes, I tell like stories, and I had sat around, I was like, well, I did know a couple things that had happened to me that I thought were amusing, so I said,

okay, let's go, I don't know, let's go down and see what I can talk about. Were you nervous? No, because I had theater training, so I don't get that nervous all the time. So I don't have stage fright you know for the most part. Yeah. But if it's big shit or TV or yeah some things like that and sometimes I do. So anyway I went up on stage I killed it the very first time I went on stage I stepped down this guy came up to me he thought it was amazing he gave me his card and that was

Robin Harris do you know that? I know Robin Harris his card, and that was Robin Harris, do you know who that is? I know Robin Harris, yeah, well. Okay, so I met Robin Harris on the first day that I did comedy. I love him. And then I went to his club, the Regency Comedy Act Theater, and this shit just started snowballing. I tried working, but apparently I'm unemployable.

What do you mean? Because I have a bad attitude and a bad mouth, and I steal. You steal jokes? No, money. You've done that before at clubs? No. No, I don't think so.

At a bank. All right, you know Enz Mitchell? Yes, of course. So I know black people. Throw me something that I wouldn't know. Wait, how did people, why do people think you steal money? Cause I did rob a bank. What?

I went to jail. Did you really? Yeah. When? That's the story, what? And, well shit, I don't know if my daughter wasn't born when I stole the money. You coming with a gun or?

In the 80s, no I worked at the bank, so it was embezzlement. Oh embezzlement, yeah. But it's still bank robbery. If you take racks out the vault, put them in your bra and walk out the door, that's robbing the bank. How much money was it? $50,000.

You're going to do the same time if you take $20,000 if you take 50 racks. Wow. How did you get caught? I had absconded and went back to Oakland where I was living before I moved to Long Beach. And I was doing comedy and I was worried every week because my name was in the paper,

my picture was in the paper. Had it been less money, had it been less money, I would've got away with it. So you were on the run for a while. Yeah. I wasn't really running. I ran and then I stopped. But what it was was. You started probably getting super nervous.

I was like. Well I was, no I wasn't. I wasn't consuming me. But I was concerned because my picture and my name was in a paper every week. Linnell's gonna be at Jeffery's in a circle. And had I taken less money, I would've gotten away with it

because they didn't give me for over 10 years, 10 years statute of limitations, it's too late. But because I took so much money, it was a felony and not a mystery. So then when I had my baby, I got caught. When I had her, I applied for social services to get milk and to get things like that. Then the social security numbers crossed up. And then they came and got me.

But how long after that did they finally get to you? My daughter was about six months. Oh wow, so it was a while. It wasn't like they got you the next week. No. And then how long did you spend in prison? I didn't go to prison because it was my first offense that they found but I did do four months in 18 days in Twin Towers. Downtown. Which is like going to prison. Twin Towers is not easy because they have a lot of...

That's county jail. San Cesar Chavez Boulevard. Wow wow wow wow. And it's worse than prison. And see this was during the crack epidemic. And so you had rods in there with burns all over their body. They shoved a hot crack pipe up their pussy or in their bra when the police came or something. So they were all burnt up and fucked up. It was a lot, I saw a lot. And do they give you your own room or you have to sleep with a bunch of people?

Oh yeah, I had a nice plush room No, motherfuckers Fucking twin towers Bobby is rough It's like 20 people at one time sleeping in bunk beds No, well, if you're in the day room, but I ended up I had a celly But she, I was on the bottom bunk She was on the top bunk There's no spa right there

And she was, if somebody spits on you That's your fucking spa But she was, if somebody spits on you, that's your fucking spa. But she was on the top bunk, I was on the bottom bunk, she was detoxing from heroin, she had a seizure and she flopped out the bed and landed next to my bed because it's cement in there and she broke her arm. Wow, you've seen all kinds of fucking shit, man. Uh-huh, you wouldn't tell her to look at me, huh? No.

Been through the shit. Wow. But I don't give a fuck. But that's what you wouldn't tell it to look at me, huh? No. Been through the shit. Wow. But I don't give a fuck. But that's what I love about your life. You have a big life. Big. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, your life is so here,

you're so iconic and you've lived such a life. I think that's amazing. I mean, when you look back at your life, you must go, that was insane. They're doing a documentary on me now, these guys from Europe. All right. To be followed by a subsequent book.

I know that I'll have to put a lot of pictures, because people don't read anymore, because they won't even read a two inch fucking Instagram post. Yeah, yeah. So you know they're not reading no fucking books. There is a certain category of people out there who do still read, and hopefully they'll read it

and not just look at the pictures. me. I'm just looking at the pictures Do you when you're in Vegas doing that residency? How many nights is that Sundays and Mondays at 930 every week every fucking week? So when I live here, I fly home Sunday morning. I got a show Sunday night. I got a show Monday night I have Tuesday and Wednesday off. I fly to Detroit Thursday. I do Thursday night a one-off. Friday night a one-off. I come back Saturday. Wait, every Friday you go to the same Detroit place? No. Oh, okay. That's this week. That's what this week.

Yeah, and that's just a one-off. Wow. Usually I do four shows out of town and then two in Vegas. Wow. I'm tired. I'm tired right now. Yeah. I mean, I've been on the road a lot this year. I mean, it's hard. Where do you usually play?

What do you mean? Like improvs or what, theater? Well me and Andrew did, my friend Andrew and I did theaters, I did a 30 city theater run. It was fun, you know what I mean? Because you're sharing it. I'm just starting to really get into theaters myself. No, I've done theaters, but it's like,

Sidrick the Entertainer, D.O.U., Tommy Davidson, Lunele, you know, I've done it with the cops. You don't like that? I love that. No, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also, I'm starting to do theaters myself. That, yeah, you should.

Where it's only my name. Yeah. Like I just did, the first theater I ever did was the Apollo Theater in Harlem. Ooh. That's 1,500 seats, and I sold that out. And they said that had not been done by a black female comic since 1968

when Moms Mabley did it. And I didn't believe it. I'm like, you mean Whoopi's not been through here? They were like, no. I said, you mean Wanda hasn't done the Apollo? They said, no. It had not been done since 68. So I did that so my show through Netflix in a theater is here on Saturday night

at the Regent Theater. What? So I'm just saying that I'm starting to do those. How many seats is it? That's only like 500. Oh wow. As of last night. Oh wow, wow, wow, wow.

Yeah. So that's what I'm talking about. I'm just starting to do theaters, me, as an opener, not. I'm just telling you though, as long as I've known you, I've always been kind of like, that's the thing. Like she's a star. Me?

Yeah, I've always felt that. Clearly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And every time I used to see her, I would say, oh my god, she's killing it. You've been killing it for so long. I mean, because Borat was an iconic movie, I'm sorry. It was nominated for an Academy Award, but comedies don't win Academy Awards.

They don't. Which is why we need to change the old star-jewed fuckers that are in the Academy. Because they're passing up a lot of great movies. And horror either. And horror either. Like Toni Collette should have won the Oscar when she did Hereditary, hands down.

She fucking killed it and nothing. She got fucking nothing, man. See, that's not bullshit. That's why you have to depend on the NAACP awards and the Soul Train awards. Because fucking Academy Awards ain't giving it to you. And I want you to take this the wrong way, but you're also crossover, which me,

I mean, there's like Chappelle is Chris Rock Kevin Hart obviously, but um you know it's it's hard to do harder to do, but you you appeal to everybody No, it's harder to do if you're from the south to crossover because Comedy is very shitty when it comes to accents unless it's British you know and very shitty when it comes to accents unless it's British. And it's also harder to do, if you've lived in, if you've lived in, and no shade to LA, I love LA, but if you've lived in Watts all your life and you've never been to NoHo, then you don't behave,

you're uncomfortable there. You are. But I was raised in Oakland, which is predominantly black, but I was educated in the suburbs in Hayward and Castro Valley, California. So my education, I went to school with white people, Latin people, and Asians, and stuff like that. Thank you.

Stuff like that. So I've had- What's your favorite kind of Asian? The swaggy ones, like the ones, What's up, what's up? The ones that were in Crazy Rich Asians. Oh, that one. Oh.

I've watched that 15, I get obsessed with certain movies. Yeah, yeah. So I remained obsessed with Crazy Rich Asians, it's my airline go-to. Wow. Wow. If I get on a plane, I'm watching Crazy Rich Asians because that

Michelle Yeoh, that bitch, yeah she played the iciest bitch since The Mother-in-law. Yeah, I think so. She's an icy bitch and I can't get over it. So I watched Crazy Rich Asians, I also got obsessed with In the Heights. You know with everybody from Washington Heights in New York. And so I get obsessed with these ethnic shits and then I just stay there. Wow. You know?

So you do love Asians? I don't mind Asians, I haven't, but I like the guys like that were in that movie. Am I too dirty? I'm not dirty. They're like real. Yeah, but I'm lower class. We're peasants.

Yeah, we're peasants. So you're mixed. With the rice, we carry the rice. I'm Filipino. That's almost black. Thank you. I think that's actually true. Yeah, it is true. The black Filipinos in the mountains, Paul Mooney told me about them.

Yeah, they're called... Koreans are almost black too. No, that's not true. Your migration is different. They have a rapper on BTS, I'm sorry. What's his name? I don't know. In the Philippines, in the mountainous areas, before like the Spanish colony, yeah they're called Negritos.

Paul Mooney told me about it, I didn't fucking believe him. Then I looked it up and it was true and I believed everything he said. I was like, look there they are. Yeah. What's a Negrito? Those are Filipinos. Finish it. I can't say it, I can't even say it. That's insane. Negritos are black. It's not negrito? I don't even want to say it. Those are Filipinos. Finish it.

I can't say it. I can't even say it. That's insane. Negrito. It's not a derogatory term. I'll do it with an A. Negrita. No, it's a drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There they are. So that's what my nephews made to a lovely Filipina girl named Aurora. Shout out to Aurora. What's up? There are two islands in the Philippines that's called, it's pronounced negros occidental and negros oriental. But it's- So are they black?

If you pronounce it wrong- Are they black? No, but yes, in the Philippines, our migration patterns did split. We do have- First of all, everybody's black, and then they're a derivative of that. Oh, you're the first man.

And the oldest bone was found in Africa. Yeah. Just how you gotta think about like, Pangea and how everything sort of like split from here and then up. High five, girl. I'll give you one more. I don't see color.

I don't see color. Oh, god. That is such bullshit. I hate that saying. Say it one more time. I don't see color, you know what I mean? Well, you can't see, no God damn it. And we're gonna go there.

Yeah, yeah. The eyes. People that say that, I can't see color shit, okay, you may not see color, but your boss sees color when you bring your black ass husband to the Christmas party, your in-laws see color,

your neighbors see color, and the people all around you say, that's such a bullshit line. Yeah, I matched with a girl, my first black girl on Raya, and then she matched with me, and I messaged her one time, just ghosted me. But that's everyone on Raya, that's just not a her thing. Everyone on Raya matches an ego group.

I want to date a black person, I never have. You never dated a black girl? No, and I really want to. You said person, so boy or girl? You said I've never dated a black person, you didn't say black girl. I know really person so boy or girl You said I've never dated black person. You didn't say black girl. So do you date boys and girls? No, well, you didn't have before I as a young kid I did you around fuck around little you said to dig It's four or five. He doesn't see gender. I don't see gender. I'm open No comment. Yeah, what do you mean? You never had puss? I have nothing else to say. Maybe I crossed the line, you know what I mean?

But let me ask you something. Do you think... Go ahead. Why don't black girls like me? Black girls like me. I think that we just don't have enough experience with Asian men. Asian men do not holler at us. They do not ask us out. Most of the time when you encounter Asian on the street, they look right past us like they don't even like we don't exist.

Asians are not welcoming to the African American community. Really? Really? Historically, yes, that's true. Really? Really, historically. You have to be black and be around Asians to see how they ignore us. Really? Really historical. You have to be black and be around Asians to see how they ignore us. Yeah, it's weird. I don't say hi. They don't say how you doing today. For the most part, of course, there's exceptions to every room. It's really cool. Asians talk to me. Asian guys don't, you know, and then there's a cultural difference and, you know, getting in a race relationship is not just about race. It's cultural, it's culinary, and it's religious.

There's all that you gotta get past. Yeah. I'll be honest with you, I prefer every race but Asian sometimes. Because my parents were so strict and so abusive and so violent, right? And I saw the hierarchy as a kid, like, my dad would be like, you know, your cousin, Sue,

she got the Harvard, you retarded. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're putting a pressure on her. Yeah, and it's like, everything was a trophy. And so as a kid, I was just like, I hate all of you. No, I get that. And I love everyone else.

Because I saw how shitty my uncles, my Filipino uncles were, and they were just philanders, really shitty guys. Like, for a while I didn't date Filipino guys. I was just very, like, that's all, that's the only picture I had in my mind for how Filipino men would be. So I was like, okay, they're out, I guess.

And when you have an abusive household, you start having empathy for, like, the underdog, right? Yeah. That's why I always loved the civil rights movement. And I mean, you know what drives me fucking crazy? If you see civil rights photos, like you know you see black people at a diner

and then white people like yelling at them or like, you know what I mean? Yeah, but why do you love white girls so much? What are you talking about, man? Like that's like your top tier, right? You always go for like the skinny white girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like every brother in the NBA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, can I say this? Sometimes when you're a fancy restaurant, you get the caviar. I don't know what that's. I was gonna support you, but I don't know. I hope your people are on YouTube. Yeah, put that out. I don't even know what that means.

White girls, because, why'd you put that out? Because they're the fucking gold standard. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed, California girl. Caviar. That's the motherfucking caviar. That's the motherfucking gold. No. Get rich, get your ass a white bitch,

and you've hit it. Yeah, but I want... Oh, listen, I grew up, when I grew up in Oakland... Why'd you ask that? Now I look like a fool. No. When I grew up in Oakland, I grew up, you know, black pants and movement and all that,

and I grew up with black women, the most sought after exotic women in the world, but we are now treated like the gum on the bottom of a motherfucking shoe. Everybody wants everybody but a black girl, even the black men. And I said what the fuck I said. Okay, I don't feel that way.

Well, you're not a black man. You want to date a black girl for what reason? Just because? No, I find them attractive. Like me? Yeah, I find you attractive. I am attractive. Yeah. So that's why. Just because? No, I find them attractive. Like me? Yeah, I find you attractive. I am attractive.

Yeah. So that's why. Just old. But can I say this? I have the same thing with Asian women. Growing up, because they were always fetishized, right? And they were always like, you know what I mean? White people coveted men, right?

And Asian men were not sexualized, right? Right, right, right. So we got nothing. That exchange rate was notized. Right, right, right. We got nothing. That exchange rate was not fair. Well take three, you get nothing. That's why when you get some Asian guys like that or in Crazy Rich Asians, like the lead guy. Yeah, Henry Goldwyn.

And his boys. Yeah. Then you're like, fuck it, it's so hot. You know what I'm saying? Because it's so rare. And they don't put you in those in those Categories, you know, we had what Bruce Lee because he was hot Bruce Lee was hot news hot like people love Bruce Lee Yeah, they love Bruce Lee. Mm-hmm. Yeah, um, and so I whenever I see like, you know, I'm something

I mean you're gonna love who you love but I just even when I see like oh, I see an Asian girl with like a white Guy, what's so funny yeah this guy yeah this guy has it Asian girl yeah who's got the Asian girlfriend? Wife kids oh yeah yeah yeah I just I just kind of go you know I mean they say they're beasts and bitches are beasts in the bed though they got tricks that's what I heard I have been to you know Asian women have tricks that's what I I heard. I've never leveled one. That's what I heard. You remember the sit and spin when you were a kid?

Yeah. You could sit and spin. I heard they could do that. Without the basket? You need a basket, right? They don't do it. Yeah. You know what the basket thing is, right?

Your dick is the basket. Yeah, yeah. They used to put women in a basket back in Asia, maybe. I see. here we go Yeah, you're right. No it you pay for it, right? And they they spit let's so it's like a rubber bandy kind of thing Yeah, and they spin it right and there's an opening in the bottom of the basket where the pussy is Yeah, where the pussy is and you can put your dick you lay there right there, right?

And they stay and they come down you put your hand on like this, right? And then they unspin it wait, this is this is the origins of the term spinner then? I don't know, I've never done it. I've never heard of a spinner. Yeah. I probably would be. Well, what? Oh, now I need to describe it right?

Wait, you saw a photo? Is this real, Gilbert? I'm gonna blur this out. Yeah, yeah. This is what? Yeah. So there's a woman sitting in a basket. Yeah, yeah.

On top of a guy. And we don't zoom in too much. Yeah, yeah. We get it. Is she spinning? Yeah, and there's a woman sitting in a basket. Yeah, yeah. On top of a guy. Yeah. Don't zoom in too much. We get it. Is she spinning? Yeah, and she's spinning on it. Yeah, he's in there. How does that even feel good?

The spinning? It sounds raw, right? Yeah, it's gonna just... Sounds like it'd be raw. Friction. Maybe a lot of lube. No, you get it wet first. I know, but...

How do you do that if your hands are behind your head? You just get the basket, find the hole You go you spatter know Yeah, I don't know I don't know I hate it oh, you know I don't want to see nobody spit on the ground I don't want to see nobody spit out a window. I don't want you can't spit and kiss me. You can't spit on me I don't you a tongue kisser? Yeah. Okay. But it ain't a loogie, god damn it. Oh right, right. Oh, loogies are crossing the line.

But you just did that. Right. But it was a fake one. I've never spit on a girl. Ew, it's so gross and disrespectful. You know what I'm saying? Like guys will go, like they might, I don't know. A girl will spit on a dick, but a guy can spit on a.

Well, I think it's cause. I don't know, I girl will spit on a dick, but a guy can spit on a... Well, I think it's because... I don't know, I'm weird about just breath in general and like the smell of food in people's mouths. So even, not even just loogies, but spit in general. I don't want it, I'm with you on that. You're my girl, I like you. But there is a terrible bad breath epidemic going around with men right now.

I agree. People just forgot to brush their teeth. You motherfuckers need to get your teeth in the back of your mouth fixed because it is fucking permeating out of your mouth. And you need to brush your teeth, chew gum, or eat a mint if you're gonna be a psycho. I have two gigantic Altoid boxes in my car.

I'm very mindful about it. Altoids are like doing crank. They make the top of your head sizzle. What? What are you talking about? I hate Altoids. It sizzles your brain? Yeah, just like crank, you know. Oh yeah, crank.

From the 70s, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it makes the top of your... I can't do the Altoid. Wow, okay. But you know, have some nice gum. We'll yeah, yeah, yeah. But it makes it tough, I can't do the Altoid. Wow, okay. But you know, have some nice gum. We'll have some nice gum then. Sometimes I don't even like it when someone chews gum.

If it's too much. But gum, but not an out. They could, you know, if their breath tastes like bubble gum. I know, but see, I can still smell the breath, but now it's floral shit. Like you gotta just brush. And then the gum. What if you're out though,

they wanna kiss you tonight, they ain't got no toothbrush. Oh, so some people have fucked up stomachs. Oh my God, I know. But they got the tonsil stones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, eh! Oh.

So that's a red flag. If somebody has a bad breath, that's a red flag. I was gonna give this boy in New York the entire business. What's that? I was gonna give him the business. Okay, okay, okay. The business. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But his ref sank and I couldn't do it. That's me. It's a, it's... And he had to have a separate room. I can't get over it. Wow, that really happened? You had to tell him? No, I didn't tell him.

I told everybody but... And this podcast. Wait, did you pay for the room? I did. No, I didn't tell him. I told everybody but... And this podcast? Wait, did you pay for the room? I did. So he's like, hey baby, why come we're not sleeping the same baby together? No, no, no. You know he never said that?

I don't need... Listen, I'm very... I've gotten old and I'm shitty. In my bedroom, in a hotel, I need all the space. I need... You can put your stuff in my closet, but it can't interfere with my shit. Plus I need the desk to set up my makeup, right? I need the bathroom, I take baths, I do things. And I don't need, you know, we can, if we could have, my ideal thing would be

two rooms that are joined. That's great. Wait, that's your dream too. Go over there and take your shit, not in my bathroom. Whoa. But now you've shit it, and now I don't want to fuck you at all. Oh, you smell the shit, you don't want to do it?

Nope. Okay. Sorry. So go over there and do that. And I'm also going to be considerate of you. I don't want you, you know, I don't want you, especially after one of those good Mexican food nights, you know.

Oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just don't need you, especially after one of those good Mexican food nights, you know? Oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just don't need that, you know? I need you in the room for romance. And then that's it. What's romance mean? Well, like, let's play some nice music, let's smoke a joint, let's have something nice to eat.

Not no dumbass chocolate covered strawberries, because now your teeth are browned and strawberries, I've been seeing some shit about strawberries on Instagram, it's got to be very nervous. Worms. Whip cream, whip cream? What's good bedroom food? Grapes. Okay, grapes.

Mangoes. Oh, come on. You know, papaya. Papaya. Cherries. Plums. Fruit, so fruit. But no cheese, no cheese plates.

It's not gonna make your breath smell good. I know, no, that's how I feel about wine. I don't like wine breath on people. What about ribs? No. I don't like wine breath if it makes you smell like a total alcoholic. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You can drink that wine and then sometimes you smell like an alcoholic. And it doesn't go away, yeah. No, this is, it takes a lot more to get the pussy from Lunell. Okay, okay, okay, Lunell. What I'm saying is, what would be, if I was a man in your room. You are a man.

Okay, I am a man, right? Right? And I come over, I, hey baby, I got, I got mangoes and some blueberries. Okay. Yeah, I sit it down, right? Yes. You wanna put some music on?

Yes. I put some Al Green? Yeah. Is that cool? Sure. Marvin Gaye. Any. Anything. Oh, okay, okay, I'll put some music on? Yes. I put some Al Green? Yeah. Is that cool? Sure. Marvin Gaye? Any. Anything. Oh, okay, I'll put some, right? Right? And then I do like a little dance. Let's get it on. Yeah, I probably start laughing. It's always the way. I throw, open your mouth, throw a grape in your mouth? Yeah, we do all that. Yeah, and then just pull my dick out or no? Too soon. Too soon? All right, I pull it back up. Too soon. I pull it back up, I pull it back, right? Let's get a massage going on. Hey baby, you want me to?

You have to get the massage. You want me to massage your feet, baby? Yeah, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me go get the Vaseline. No. No, okay, if I fucked up there? Yeah.

Let me get the oil. Get the oil, or you can even use the hotel lotion. All right. Sometimes the hotel lotion is very nice. Can I spit on your foot? Oh my God. Okay, no, forget it. I'm leaving.

I'm ready to rock. I'm gonna fuck out here. I'll get the lotion, I'll get the lotion. I'll get the lotion, right? I get that lotion, it's very nice. Can I spit on your foot? Oh my God. Okay, no, forget it. I read it wrong. I'll get the lotion. I'll get the lotion. I'll get the lotion. I'll get the lotion, right? I get the lotion, I stick it on your foot, right? And I do like the deep massage on your foot, right? Yeah, not too hard. Oh, too hard?

Romantic. We're not doing deep tissue. Not deep tissue. Like a Swedish massage on your foot. Swedish. Right, every once in a while I'll go, kiss it. That's fine. Is that fine?

Yes. Right, I kiss, right? Right. And then I wipe the lotion, right? Uh-huh. I take my shirt off? You say turn, no you say turnover. Baby, turn, baby turnover.

You know what, don't get love, the back of our legs and our ass. Like we lotion up all this stuff, but even Suntown lotion, the back of our legs and our ass, I know my shoulders be hurting, so I can't be reaching around my big old ass all the time. So that gets neglected. So that really means love, the back of our legs and our ass.

You want your ass massaged, baby? Yeah. Massaged? Are you bought? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But you have to- I'm nervous, that's why. Okay, go ahead.

I'm nervous, yeah. Let me get that over with. But you have to stick to the task, because a lot of times, guys will start massaging your ass with the lotion, next thing you know, you got a dick inside you. No, no, I don't do that. Or a thumb in your ass.

Now, wait a minute. A thumb? I'm telling you what you guys do. Oh, right. You think I'm fucking with anybody's ass with you? I'll pull your whole rectum out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so I'm massaging your ass now.

Like Swedish. Yeah. And I get the legs too. Yes. Yeah. And then can I go? Start with some kisses. No hold on. First I just think. You can kiss my ass first if you want. Yeah. Oh like that. Both cheeks. Yeah. Right both cheeks right. Yeah. Is it rude for me to go baby what about my feet? Yes. It's not about you. All right. It's not about me. All right. My ass. I'll pay for me to go, baby, what about my feet? Yes, it's not about you. All right, sorry about me, all right. My ass? I'll pay for you to go get a massage.

All right, all right. And then I flip you back over. Yeah. Right? And I start kissing your neck. You're still down here, but you gotta come up. Yeah, I, how about this? Well, if you kiss me, then yeah, you can kiss me.

I do the trail. You know how they do the trail up to the face? You go from there to there? I do a kiss trail up to the face. They say, like, roughly, it takes anywhere from 35 to 40 minutes for full arousal. For a woman. For a woman.

For a woman. Oh, this is 30, 40 seconds. Yes. They blast that. I know, see, we got to get all that other shit out of my eye. Oh, my god. I don't even need the music. What are you thinking so much for? And I don't even need the music I don't even need the music that loud cuz I like to hear oh you're ASMR ASMR what if you fall asleep

with ASMR well then let me sleep cuz I need to alright alright so we have sex with our all right so 45 minutes later munching yeah I'm much here here I'm munching I'm munching right I'm munching, right? I go up to the neck. Can I take my shirt off now? 45 minutes in. That's after fucking massage, everything. Depends on what your chest looks like.

Oh, it's thick. You might have a chest like a seven-year-old boy, then I'm like, mm. I did all that, I get nothing? Can we, can we? Honey? I take my shirt off, you have a seven-year-old chest, and I can leave? What the fuck, man? No, we shoulder, you have a seven year old chest and I'm, I can leave?

What the fuck man? No. Okay. We don't care about this. Okay good, thank you. Go ahead. I want to see your chest. Okay.

What do you think, Linnell? Oh well, you see, you have no hair, baby. I have no hair. Touch my skin. How soft it is. Like a baby. Like a baby. You got the comedy story?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Body, I love that. Oh, there we go. My brother Steve. Oh, that's from Mad Magazine. I was on Mad TV. Mad Magazine. Look how soft it is. Yeah, that's right.

Okay, all right. So, would you kick this body out? Probably, right? Let's say Spanky Hayes' body, really, to be honest with you. Is? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't think that that would bother me. It doesn't bother you?

No. Okay good, thank you. Here we go. One last question, so then do I pull out a condom or no? Absolutely pull out a motherfucking condom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And put Vaseline on that if you want to, but not for me. Vaseline is not water soluble, it's water, you know.

It's not, and weed can fuck up our pH, feminine, indigene, all that stuff. Oh, sorry, okay. I get water-based lube. I get a water-based lube. Water-based? Yeah. Thank you, girl.

I go to the store, I'll be right back. What the fuck is wrong with you? We're here to educate. No. We're going to the water-based lube? Also, like, major thing, your hands have to be clean for me. Yeah, no mechanic fingernail dirt. God, it's just like, forget it, then.

Honestly, I honestly say, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. It's easier to suck a dick, right, than to be fucking with her. No, it's You're the suck a dick right and it'd be fucking It's just it's so much mental I Mean for us yeah, if you don't want to please us then don't fuck with us listen if you want With a girl right if I had sex with her maybe 15 times in my life, right? Still yet to have her orgasm. She's like, I'm not there yet.

I had sex with her 15 times. Oh, okay. So 15 times I've had sex with her. 15 years. Right, once a year, right. I dated her for, we were 10 years together. You were in a relationship for 10 years? Yeah.

We lived together for 10 years. We lived together for 10 years. For 10 years. We broke up two years ago. Two years ago. And we're still doing this pod together. That is the most amazing shit I've ever heard of. I love her so much. That's good, I'm glad you had love.

Can I just say she has a new man or a whore? I do, yeah I do. So I went to Hawaii and I met him when I saw him. Because you know, they're still... And when I saw him, I hugged him. You did hug him, yeah. And I go, hey nice to meet you. And he's a big, big guy.

He's like six foot five. Brown mountain. Yeah, yeah. Ha-larry. Yeah. Your little ass is like, hey bro. Yeah, that's what I was. Nice to meet you.

But I find like it's growth for me because it's like I did, I really, I like him. I think he's a nice guy. Well she wouldn't pick a asshole, she didn't pick you. She picked you. There we go. She wouldn't pick an asshole. Thank you. So it's like 15 times and it's like, I'll probably never make it work out, but why does it take so long?

Because it's... It takes what it takes, you know what I'm saying? What do you mean it takes what it takes? I've known guys who can eat my pussy and in two minutes I'm like done, ready to go to sleep. Brian Moses. Brian Moses. I don't know who that is. He's a comic and I heard that he... Has a strong tongue game. Yeah, he has a big game.

Yeah, but see that is, might be deceiving because if a guy has only one way to eat pussy, he's not good because every woman likes it different. I do frog style. Hey, do the rabbit though. But if you're a guy that listens, takes cues, takes notes and adjusts, then, then, Every woman likes it different. I do frog style. Hey, do the Ribbit though. But if you're a guy that listens, takes cues, takes notes, and adjusts, then-

Interrupt if you do the Ribbit. I didn't like the Ribbit. Yeah, that's fucking rude. Let me do the Ribbit, man. I didn't like the Ribbit. Let me do the Ribbit, man. I should have just had the Ribbit the whole time. Let me do the fucking Ribbit, man.

Ribbit, ribbit. Is that Heart, Lunel? Is that hot, Lunel? Is that hot, Lunel? No. You would laugh though. Yeah, but I wouldn't want to fuck you though. I'd be like, let's go get a beer, you're a little... All right, all right, okay.

I forgot with one female comment on the road. Yeah. And we laughed too hard. Too many bits. It was too funny. We laughed too hard. Then plus when it goes bad, somebody's gonna talk about somebody else. And now it's a thing.

She laughed when she saw my penis and I thought, and then I started laughing, it was great. Well, I don't think we should probably talk about your penis because... Why? You know, because rumor has it. It's big. Okay. So, Luna,

you want to plug something? Okay, so... You were great, but we had so much fun. Did you have fun or no? Yes, I did have fun. I hope that nobody gets offended by what we say, but... No, I say this all the time. You know, I said what I what we say, but no I see the show you know I Said what I said yeah, so um okay. I want to plug in my residency in Las Vegas Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club every Sunday and Monday night at 930. It's a whole vibe

Come see me in Vegas check out Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club, and if anybody out there has connections with Netflix or anything like that just know that I am trying to be the next black female in late night television. I think it's gonna happen. And I think it's gonna happen as well. And if there's anybody out there who wants to date me and you have your own money and you're fun and sexy, and between the ages of 25 and 50, you can hit me on my Instagram,

and hopefully I'll see it. At Lanell, L-U-E-N-E-L-L. But I get a lot of DMs, and I don't do it like I used to. I used to answer every DM. I used to answer every DM until probably about four or five months ago, or after the special came out, after my Netflix special came out. Oh, and watch my Netflix special called

Town Business, Dave Chappelle produced it. It is streaming on Netflix right now. You can put the face to the voice. And yeah, after that, that's gonna be the end of it. When you say you have your own money, how much money would they need to be with you, Leno, I mean $100,000 a year is that good They just just play money like if they can just keep a balance of a quarter million dollars in their bank That's not a lot. Yeah, the quarter million dollars is enough to take care of your family your children your friends

Do some fun things I don't need a bill you bill you billionaire because that shit comes shit comes with conditions. And I don't like them motherfuckers. They're like, I'll buy you the Birkenbeck, but I want to fuck your sister. What? You know what I'm saying? That happens? No, when they got all that money,

they just buy you off, and then the bitches don't say nothing because they're getting all the materialistic shit they want, but I don't want that. I just want somebody who's got, and I'm not putting the bill for everything, and I need them to be fun and generous. Like, oh, there's my Netflix, there it is.

There it is, check it out. And I just want somebody who wants to have fun. Like, I live in Las Vegas, there's 80 million fucking things to do in Las Vegas. Let's go see Lovers and Friends concert, let's go see motherfucking Blue Man Group, let's go see Penn and Teller. Let's go to Lake Las Vegas.

You know, there's a million things to do. Take a helicopter ride around the motherfucking, let's do something. Yeah. Hey. If I'm in Vegas and I come, can I stop by and say hi? You can.

Any Sunday at night. You'll be nice to me. Yeah, as nice as I can be. No, you're gonna hug me. I'll hug you. And you're gonna do a European kiss on my cheeks. Yeah, yeah, you're welcome. No, you're gonna hug me. I'll hug you. And you're gonna do a European kiss on my cheeks. Yeah, yeah, you're welcome.

If I did it today, you'd look like you had two big lip prints on your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, not today. Not today. I'm gonna go, Lin-el, do something like that. Oh, you're gonna ribbit me? Ribbit. That's like a lizard. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Lin-el, I had, do you have fun? Yeah, I did have fun. And you gotta come back. Well, I would love to. Yeah, yeah. Only she's here. She's always here. I am always here.

She's always here. Yeah. She's my partner. That is wild. What? That you two were together and that you two worked together. You know, it's funny, people go,

how can you do it? And I don't understand how people can't, but I don't know. No, I have a good relationship with like my daughter's father. We could probably do a podcast together. Yeah. You love the guy, right? No. Okay.

Oh, you don't love him at all? No. I respect him, he's like a cool guy. Yeah, but you could still hang out with him. Yeah, but not all exes, like it's a case by case. I have exes who I would punch in the dick if I saw them on the street. Like I would never like fucking speak to them again.

But with you, it was like family, we were together for a decade. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just glad that you, cause you are a lovable guy. I know. And you do deserve to have love in your life. I hope that you get to a nice black girl in the future,

cause that's your goal. And just, and that's your goal. And it's easier for a male comic to have love, though, than it is for females, though. You think so? I know so. It's easier for a male to find love in comedy than females. Absolutely. I mean, look at Natasha, look at Eliza,

look at Sarah Tiana, look at, they have relationships. Look at a bunch of others. I don't want to name their names. All right. Do they have relationships? Look, a bunch of others. I get it. I don't want to name their names. But no, because it's different. Women are used to having their men go to work, having their men be in the military, having their men do different jobs.

They're used to holding it down, waiting for their man. Men are not used to that. If I'm not home to play with your dick on Valentine's Day, I'm not even going to be with my kid for Mother's Day. I'm gonna be working. You know, if we're working on New Year's, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, you know what I'm saying, which we are, well, I can't take you everywhere with me

because now you're cutting into the money that I want to go get, flying your ass to the fucking wind. So men sitting at home waiting for a woman, it's like leaving the water running or leaving the iron on. It's not a matter of if it's when is the disaster. Okay. You know, also I'm gonna make an observation

is that, because I'm 52 years old, and you know, when I was a kid I was like, hey, when I'm 52, sex ain't gonna be a thing I think about. Shit. I know, me too. Till like 70 I think these days. Me too, I still think about it all the time. I think people are fucking strong into the 70s.

Which means that your parents are still fucking. No, my dad made me in his 60s, remember. See? Oh yeah, oh that's right. Yeah, so it's like, and he was fucking. Wow. And my mom, and I hate to say this, but she was like young, right?

Yeah, yeah. So he was like definitely out there. He was swinging that dick at me. But even as a woman though, you still think about it. What? What were we talking about? Sex. Oh, I lost it, because I was looking at you. As you know, Chappelle has kids.

Filipino kids. And one of them looks just like you. That's why I keep looking at you. Pull up Chappelle's kids. You see one of them looks just like you. They have Filipino, right? Yeah. They love our podcast. We love Elaine. They do? They love Tiger's kids. You see one of them looks just like him. They have Filipino, right? Yeah. They love our podcast.

We love Elaine. They do? They love Tiger Bell. You remember that one time? Yeah. They do? Oh, that's awesome. And Chappelle came up to me and goes,

my kids love you and I took a photo with them once. I love that guy. Oh, yeah, he was just the... Oh, yeah, that one. Yeah, see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not making this up. Yeah.

He's handsome. There you go, look right there. Really Filipino. Don't he look like him? What a beautiful family. Yeah, they're so cool. Elaine is so fucking cool. She's the best.

She is the best. And I like him and her together. Yeah. Yeah. He's a great guy. Anyway, thank you for coming. Woo! Thank you so much for coming. He started hyperventilating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, thank you for coming! Woo! Thank you so much for coming!

He started hyperventilating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, thank you. ["Spring Day in the Pool"] And then do a fucking cannonball into the pool so fucking Michael Yeoh gets wet. I think I beat a little. Okay, splash that motherfucker. I told him who was in the photo.

Oh. So specific. Literally, I'm driving up here in a rental car I can't afford. I've been going after I left a meeting with my agency where they're not getting me work. And I'm like, you gotta get, put the pedal to the metal. And I come up here, I'm like, Bobby lives in a mansion, this is the best life. Could you imagine? Wow, video games and I'm like, Bobby lives in a mansion, this is the best life. Could you imagine? Wow, video games and gumdrops, oh my.

And then he's like, I have a pity, Marty. I invited him to break my swim trunks with my... To a mixer. Yeah. I'm gonna turn it into a positive. The girl that plays Che on Sex and the City was invited and I was All right, okay

All right, okay, and then last night you stormed out of the fucking green room Yeah, I wanted to hang out. No too much. It was too much. It was you me and one other person No, it was Tim Dillon Bobby. I believe And then who else about Bobby Kelly? That's five people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby Kelly. Bobby Kelly, that's three people. And then Ari and Shafir. And Ari's doing the storytelling show. Me and Bobby are zip zapping. Timmy and Bobby Kelly are talking.

And then he leaves me alone with two of the fattest men alive. Are they going to eat me or fuck me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they were giving me bad advice. What advice? I can't remember what I'm talking about now, but they're going to be bad advice. What advice? I can't even talk about it now, but they're gonna be bad advice.

Why are you going to them for advice? That's the correct fucking question, yeah. I don't know why. Yeah, the advice is here. Whoa. There. And the other night, it was Tuesday night, we were at the store,

and we were in a pity party a little bit. Yeah. And I go, hey, let's just, because we felt like losers. Yeah. And we go, let's just go eat. Yeah. See, that's why I like you.

And didn't we have the best time? We did, me, you, Chappelle. Yes. And that other guy. Jose. Luis. Luis Jose. Yes, Luis Jose. It was awesome. It was like midnight. It was fun. It was so fun. It was so fun. It was the best. But that's what, you know, that's what I love about comedy. Yeah. Is the, the fellowship afterwards. They did that back in the day in New York. People go to a diner or whatever. That's the best. That's my favorite. When the night doesn't end. So we don't need to get invited to the big party.

No, we have our own party. The loser party. This is the party. We are the party. This is the party. Here we go, Ike Barinholtz. Let's see what he has to do. Why weren't you at the party?

Oh, you just texted me oh hot dog still it's long text him a gift Bobby going oh hot dog guys for context Bobby has been in a very deep spiral because he saw a picture of comics at a mixer and a pool party that he was not clearly not invited yes and he's having a big emotional response to it And this is yes, we're talking about it, and it's okay to feel that way no here's what I'm saying though I would be no let me just push myself a lot Can I defend myself real quick all right all right the floor so um What I want to say is I know

So, what I want to say is, I know, yeah forget it. No, say it. No, I don't even know what I was gonna say really. No you do, be confident. Okay. Building you up. Please don't do this. What? Don't be that.

Believing you and everything. No, no, no, you're doing a Tony Robbins thing, I don't like it. No I'm not, I'm doing an Ian thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, do an Ian thing. All right, I love the Ian thing. Yeah. All right, so let's backtrack for a second.

Backtrack it up. So what I'm saying is that I believe that I'm as big as some of the people that were at this Netflix party or even bigger, right? And I just don't get invited to those things and I got a little FOMO, I looked at the photo. What are you doing, you're a little confused, a little fucking face for it, George.

Well, you're complaining, but then you're also saying that you're bigger than all these people. No, that's why. So in my mind, I'm like, why am I not at the party? What are the reasons in your head as to why you're not in the party? What are you telling yourself? Hmm, good question.

Good question, good question. Very good question. Very good. I think, I think, I, here's what, when you're, when you're from, when you come from my life, trauma, everything's in that lens. Shame lens. Shame lens, right?

And so you develop storylines in your head and false evidence, right? And so in my mind I'm like, you know what I mean? In general, Netflix doesn't like me. And why don't they like you? I don't know why. Well, you're living in fear, and fear stands for false evidence appearing real. Evidence appearing real.

Da da da da da da da da da. False evidence appearing real. And you need to live in the other form of fear. Fuck everything and run. Or no, no, that's not. Wait. Don't live in that. I like that, fuck everything and run.

That's the best, that's what fear means. Fuck everything and run. That's what fear means. Fuck everything and run. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, let me see. Feel euphoria after running. There we go. That's good. That's good. Great slogan for a running club. Yeah. Feel euphoria after running. Yes. Yeah. Fuck everything. Thank you. Fuck everything. Thank you. And you know what?

Life rules. Life rules so good. You know, and people listen, they go, hey, we don't like it when Bobby complains. I've read that online too. And you guys, you know, you're right. You know, I'll tell you something, Ryan. I'll have a great life.

You know what I mean? It's like, but you know, I'm human and I've had a rough couple of weeks. Can I also tell you something turned down? Yeah, he's turned down this gala. That's very important to the Asian community It's we're all like the big-time Asians go mm-hmm and he got a Chinese theater. Oh, sorry go ahead RSVP should have been April 4th and is now mid-may. That's what we can't do it. I'm gonna make a call and When he sees those pictures come out over the weekend. he's gonna say, why wasn't I invited to that? And I'm nobody and I'm nothing. Meanwhile, he has not responded to the invite of the email

to the Golden Gala. So I say, maybe, you know, change how you operate a little bit. Response. And an acronym form please. What's another acronym for that? F-E-A-R. Funky, early,

Apple, residue. Take that, Kaila. Take that. What about Iwo- Iwo- I was wrong and I'm sorry. I was wrong and I'm sorry. I was wrong and I'm sorry. Wow.

I was. I was wrong and I'm sorry. That's very good. You gotta be careful how you talk to yourself because your brain is listening. Mm-hmm. You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. It's true.

It is so true. And you know what? I invited you yesterday to go shoot guns. That's not the same thing. We could have gone shoot guns. That wasn't the fucking same thing. And you asked so many times. Because I thought you'd. I've never held a gun before, I'm sorry. So have other people that went Not the same thing. We could have gone through- That wasn't the fucking same thing. And you asked so many times.

Because I thought you'd- I've never held a gun before. I'm sorry. So have other people that went. And it was amazing. I have videos. In the desert? Where was it?

Tarrantactical. In the desert. Oh, the John Wick guys. Yes. They trained Keanu for John Wick there. Whoa. I know. They could have trained you.

Intense. Okay. And then you would have been in the level with John Wick and not these losers at a pool party. You're an adult. You don't need a pool party. Were you going to bring pizza and your goggles? What if he did?

I always do. That would have been great. Fresh Brothers and everything? I wish they invited you. That would have been amazing. You really fucked up. Well, maybe a pity party over here. I'm sorry. You really fucked up.

Right, I'm having a pity party over here, I'm sorry. But it's okay. I think I'm allowed to feel things. Yeah, you are. I'm allowed to feel bummed about things and regular human. Within reason and not if it's causing you a week long shame spiral. It was it was compounded things, things that were piling on to each other,

and then I kind of a little bit collapsed a little bit. Did therapy yesterday help? It did until I saw the photo. You know what I mean? Once I saw the photo, it was like, you know what I mean? Cause everyone I know was in it. Ian, do those types of photos like trigger you? No.

No. Maybe for a second and then I'll go, I would have hated it. I would have felt weird. I would have felt, we felt out of place at the store the other night with all our friends. I know. Imagine if you were there, how you would have felt. You know what I mean? It's like, but I feel the same way

I want to be invited, but I don't want to go you know But it's it's that if I can you know it's that alcoholic way of thinking like I'm the piece of shit at the center of the universe you know like I Fuck them for not inviting me well you did kind of get invited and you turned it down You know it's like well I didn't get invited and you got invited this other thing and then you didn't turn it down. So it's like, I get in the same way where I get in such a cloud of depression and sadness,

I can't see how close the good things are to me because I have this fog up. Sometimes you just gotta clean the, it's like a bathroom mirror. You gotta clean the fog off so you can see how beautiful you really are. What is it called? Catastrophizing?

When you look at a situation and you always immediately go to the negative Y of what happened. Catastrophizing. Is that what it's called? Look it up, Guild. Also, it's like I tell myself stories in my head. Like what? Like people hate me.

Me too. Yeah, me too. And I suck. And then. Like what? Like people hate me. Me too. Yeah, me too. And I suck. And then... Here Bobby, here we go. Catastrophizing means that a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely even when it's not. Very good.

Catastrophizing. I learned something new. Thank you. Do you feel like you do that? Yeah. Guys, it's always good to see you, man. You have a special you want to plug in? Yeah! What is it? Ian Fydance, Wild, Happy and Free. It's out on YouTube now. It's on the

Be an Ian with Jordan YouTube page. What's this Ghostbusters? You were in the movie? Oh, dude. I did a shot by shot remake of the first call from that the Ghostbusters got. Oh, wow. If you unmute it. you unmute it. And well, you don't have to play with it. Okay. Wow. Great. Whoa, it looks cinematic and good. Yeah, dude, I rented the car and they made my logo, my face into the no ghost, Ghostbuster logo.

Wow. And put it on the car. It's a shot by shot remake of when they get the first call, the first part's animated and then I'm in the car, I pull up to the venue and then I kick in the car, I pull up to the venue and then I kick the doors open and I go, uh, get this. I go, anybody call about a joke? And that motherfucker edited me out. It's so good. And then, uh, yeah, it was awesome. It was like the coolest thing in the world. Great man. Yeah. Wow. And so when, when did this come out? Came out

two weeks ago. You proud of it? I'm so proud of it. Oh, that's great. I'm so, so proud of it. That's great. Especially the last 15 minutes are like wildly personal and vulnerable. And I worked really hard on it. And yeah, I couldn't be prouder, couldn't be happier. And the ending for the outro, I get a standing ovation, so I stage dived.

And then we shot a thing where I get like carried and kicked out of the venue, thrown into trash, and then a call pops up and he goes welcome to YouTube. Wow, wow. Yeah. Is it getting you people are people watching it? Yeah. Well I mean me and Andrew both think and Kali, I mean everyone we think you're the future you're so talented. That's really cool to hear. And the first time I ever met and we've it, but I was just like I'm sold on you. Thank you, Bob. You're just such a an anomaly. Yeah. Yeah, in a good way. It means a lot. I think you just, and whenever I see you it's like two children. Yeah. You feel that? I like that.

Yeah. We giggle like babies. We giggle. We had so much fun at the diner and I really appreciate you saying that. That means a lot. Oh, so the woman that girl that came to the table? Well, I just want to say something real quick. If I could hear that from someone that was invited to the pool party, that would mean a lot more. But that was nice of you to say.

But do we have access? I know that was a joke, but there's some truth to it too. No, there's not. There's no one I would want to hear from more than you. Michael Yo said it. If Michael Yo said it, I would, I mean, I'd get myself. You'd get a heart on. Yeah.

Because he's handsome, and he's hot. Anyway. What happened to that girl at the diner? That's what you were about to say. So then, like, we're with the guy, right, and a girl, a cute girl came to the table. And it's a girl that I had asked out before, and she said, I don't know, something, you know.

Because when I look at the direct message, I gave her my number years ago. Really? Right when we were two years ago. Not before, you know what I mean? Three years ago. She said four. I don't know what that means.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, now we have a, she's. Really, she didn't respond? She ghost. We were all sharing our fail stories of dating. Dating and stuff, yeah, that's always fun. Wait, whatever happened to that girl you went out with, the makeup artist, when I was in Brooklyn?

Oh, that guy? It was a trans girl. Dresses like a woman? Yeah. No, they're not trans, they're just a guy. Oh really? Dresses like a woman. I don't remember what the details were,

but I just remember. No she got locked up in the loony bin. Anyway, no she came over or they they came over and he came over and covered my basis and it was really fun. We like cuddled and made out and watched Rumble in the Bronx or Jackie Chan. Let's go. Well, let's go. Let's go, Luke. It was fun. But I've been busy and so have they, so it's been hard to meet up again.

But yeah, oh, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, we did meet up. It was nice. Yeah. Thank you for asking. Do you like him or her? I would.

I would. Them. Go on. I would go on another date with them. Yeah. I would. Super attractive. Really? Very, very pretty. Really cool, them. Yeah, I would. Super attractive. Really?

Very, very pretty. Yeah, really cool too. Yeah. Really cool. How'd you guys meet? I think he showed up on my explore page and he had already followed me and I was like, hey, you're like really cute.

And they're like, oh, I'm such a fan. I think you are too. I love your pair. I was like, oh, it sucks we don't live in the same town. They're like, oh, I'm such a fan. I think you are too. I love your pay I was like, oh, it sucks. We don't live in the same town. They're like why live in New York. I was like Oh, so do I? believe believe Well, we'll see I don't want to date anyone right now. I think I'm just trying to bide my time then when you're making out with

That day are you begging for forgiveness from a harsh guy? I'm making out with when you're making love with them. Is it there? It's just such a... Where? Where? Where? This is not good. This is great. We're getting in trouble. We're not making fun of it. We get it. We love it. It's them. So when you make a love with them, right, are you highly erect? What the fuck? Answer the fucking question, man.

Oh Jesus. No, because I made up with people before, right? And then you get fully erect, right? And then they leave, and then what do you do after that do you jerk off frantically oh when it's just you mean if it's just a cuddle session yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so wait you're asking if I'm with someone I find attractive and we're making out do I get erect yeah we jerked each other off. Did you really? We did some frotting. Oh, that's good. You know what frotting is?

What is frotting? Frotting is when you hear it. Show everyone. OK, it's here. Take you. What is that? This is your cock. OK, OK. Make your cock like this. And then you do this. Yeah. And then you rub them together. Oh, oh, perfect.

You start a fire. Yeah. Oh, survival. You stack them on top of each other. Right, right. You jerk them. And so you're only really doing one shaft. Yes.

But what if our powers combine? We get two curves away from each other. Oh yeah, that is true. You have to account for the curvature. And who does the jacking, a third party? A mediator. Yeah, yeah. You is true. You can you have to account for the curvature and who's does it? Who does the jacking a third party? immediate I mean who's in charge you go you go or I go well, it depends on who takes charge Oh, do you change to take charge, you know, yeah. Yeah, what do you call fracking? What's it called? It is kind of like

It is kind of like Well, I've never tried that before well you should not nothing yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not my thing yeah anyway I'm the fun so check out Ian's YouTube special I mean this comedy special on YouTube yeah, it's called Ian Fide in its wild happy and free yeah, and I'm gonna say this right now dog what's up is that you it's I mean I haven't seen it but I just that's okay no I understand I've never even seen cheeseburger yeah which is Andrew's I've never seen anyone special anyone that takes the time to watch it I'm honored but I'm also massively understanding the fact that people don't have time like friends don't have time to watch other friends stuff

So that's not don't feel better. Oh sure sure sure I was talking to Michael. Yo, he actually told me he watched it Loved it, but now he's come up a lot. We love Michael. Yeah, okay. Yeah Michael if you're listening, you know But anyway, um Ian, thank you so much. We're gonna put this at us and we're gonna thank you We're gonna really try to push this thing for you. you, man. I appreciate that and honestly the other night. I was feeling really low and us going and eating swing That's the best thing when you when you find someone that you can be like god, I don't want to be here Let's go do something fun and you change you gotta find like-minded people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I just love that It's post Malone was there. Oh really? Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. Post Malone, and it was, here's what happened. I show up, and then you start seeing people that are like, what are they doing here? So I first see, fuck this name. See, it doesn't even matter. It doesn't even matter. Anyway. Watch the special.

Everyone on Tiger Bell, watch the special. Yeah. Have you gone noodling yet? We're supposed to go noodling. Please don't invite me. I'll save it for you. Okay. I want to noodle so bad. Me too. I've never been noodling. Is there a place to go noodling? With catfish?, that's not another gay sex term Bobby would you do it with us? It's when you stick your hand in the water and into the mud and the catfish and you yank it out I have a fishing rod. No, but that's how you get catfish All right, you get catfish by put your hand in the mud Yeah, and then they they take your, and then you yank them out.

Some of them are really big, so it's a fight. Whoa. I wouldn't do a prank like that, where I'm in the mud. You're the catfish? Yeah, and somebody sticks his foot right in it, and it comes out like, ah! Yeah! You know what I mean?

And you get out of the water, and it's a dick. It's Ian's dick. Prank's on you, bitch! That's my cock. You're fracking? Oh, you get out of the water and it's a dick. It's Ian's dick. Frank's on you, bitch. That's my cock. You're fracking. Oh, you're doing there. Is that you? No, that's not you.

Oh yeah. Wow, does it hurt? He thought that guy was you. Yeah, you're buffed. Oh, poor guy. Poor catfish. Anything to burger? Look at how buff these guys are.

What the fuck? Yeah, this is something. Yeah, it's insane. Don't murder, don't murder. Awesome. Yeah, look at these buff guys. Yeah, look at them. I want that muscle. murder. Awesome. Yeah, look at these. Yeah. Yeah, I want that muscle What's that muscle called the lat the lat? Yeah, I want a lat. Why do you want a lat?

I think it would just feel neat. Yeah, but it's not gonna do anything. Can I just say Being a girl that has had like really big lats her whole life overrated really? Yeah, cuz I swam butterflies So I had like unnaturally large lats. Oh. So, okay. Oh, so. Unnecessary. Anyway, would you ever do this, Bob?

Enough about catfish. Would you ever go noodling? I don't noodle. You don't shoot guns, you don't noodle? No. What do you do? I've been asking myself the same question. Wait, in Star, do they noodle?

How do you catch your fish? With a rod. With a rod? A iridium rod. Oh, okay. I just got one. I'm starting a new farm. When I get depressed, super depressed,

I start a new farm on Star Wars. It seems to help. What? Okay. And he goes outdoors, but via video games. It's a video game that does outdoor stuff. Plant. Interesting chuckle. What? What do you mean what? stuff. Plant. Interesting chuckle.

What do you mean what? You. You what? You don't really go outside? You go outside in a headset? It's a farming game. Yeah, so I farm. My life long best friend is a soybean farmer in New Jersey.

That's great. I said my friend Bobby Farms. Look at that. Online. That's the game. Smack the shit out of you. It's so fun. He's farming.

Farming, yeah, yeah. It's a cool little game. Anyway, Ian, thank you so much for coming and watch the show. Thank you for watching!