TigerBelly - Mateo Lane & Batman's Expresso

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Mateo is not gay. Bobo has questions. Khalyla is Kalia. We chat Riddler art, mocha lady, nana, Mexican lovers, Fortnite superstar.  

This podcast is sponsored by Helix Sleep. Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixleap.com slash belly and use code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it will not last long with Helix. Better sleep starts now. And the night is long and the day is long too. Right, and we go to the store stand by me. Yeah, something like that. Right? That's it. That's it. Nailed it. The light

has gone, whatever. But anyway, stand by me. Really? No, you should watch. Let's get Susan at that. Susan Sarandon. Yes. Easy. She plays that body. That's a guy. Oh, girl. Susan Sarandon is a large male. So we're the boys, the boys. Let's go boys. So where are the boys, the boys? Good, let's go boys. Okay, Sean Penn. The little boys.

Oh, they're little boys. Yeah, yeah. It was filmed in the 80s, maybe. And took place in the 1950s, but this 1980s. Okay, Emilio S. As a little boy. That's a good guess. That is a good guess.

Holly Sheen. Well, Emilio S. S. was in outsiders, outsiders. That's a good guess. That's a good guess. Well Emilio S. Aves was in outsiders. Out-siders and he was an adult. But I mean, he was in his early 20s then. Well, that's when like 40-year-olds played 16-year-olds. Like, Rizzo and Chris. Remember that?

I just thought I were going to high school. Everyone was going to look like Rizzo. It was like, damn. That's like, when do we, like, you know, I remember that. Wait, how old was Rizzo? Early hundreds. I mean, literally on her last egg and she was like,

I'm pregnant! I'm like, you're not. And I love Stocker Chay. I love her, but like she was not 18. Yeah, yeah. So the, River Phoenix was a boy there. And then that other kid that was in Star Trek next generation. He played right? What's his name?

Will Wheaton. Will Wheaton. Will Wheaton. A feldman. Cory Feldman. Cory Feldman was in it. Yes. Cory Feldman. Yes. And there's a fat one.

There's always a fat kid. Yeah, but you know who that is. Who? Mary To Rebecca Romaine. Was or is it is. Right now. Jerry O'Connell. Yeah, I thought you would've

got so long. Oh, dead air for 30 weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, it's like when I was like, Jerry O'Connell. Yeah, that's what I was like, we're transinos, right? Jerry O'Connell, so he grew up to be buff man.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. He did. Were you a fat kid? Yes, he did. Yeah, he did. Were you a fat kid? No, I was a very, very skinny kid. Were you cute? Is a kid I was, you want to see a picture? Yeah. I had blonde hair.

I had big eyes. I looked like a power puff girl. LAUGHTER That's me, little gay Mateo. Oh! You're gay? You're gay? Yeah. And really gay? Yeah.

And really gay in this photo too. When, I mean, I'm at least don't make me about be coming out. It's enough. We heard you ask about that. It's like when I go on dates and like someone's a mormon, they're like, well, my family's more like, I don't care.

You're gonna be like, I don't care. I'm anymore. I don't even care that you're gay or not gay or not, whatever. I was even gonna ask it. Well, I was gonna ask. So, coming out stories just out. No, it's just like I've been on a million podcasts.

We were like, tell me about coming out. I'm not gay there. I'm not gay now. I'm so sick of talking about it. I'm not gay. It was great. Everything went really well in high school as a blast. Yeah.

You're obviously too enthrased. Let's your mom, you say. Whoo, and rage. Let's move on with our life. My God. Okay, well I should talk about that on stage. It's kind of funny. You're very funny. I wasn't even gonna ask about that, right? Okay, sorry.

I'm more curious about, but you probably been asked this too then. I'll answer it. I'll probably be asked to intro. And if I don't want to down this road, if you want to down the road. If you want to do intro, intro first. I'll do the intro I'll be back. Wait, do you want to intro? If I don't want to down this road, if I'm gonna get down the road. If you want to. Do intro first?

I'll do the intro after this. Okay. But if you do want to talk about coming out, I will. I don't want to talk about coming out. Okay, great. I don't give a shattery when it that means. Yeah, you know what I think you do. I do.

I just ask him about his. I just ask him about his coming out. Would you think I'm gay? No. But I've had tendencies. I'm gay? No. But I've had tendencies. I'm gay.

I'm gay. No. I've had tendencies. I'm gay. No. I've had tendencies. I've had tendencies. Yeah.

What do you mean? That's modest. I don't like that. That's modest. That's modest. That's modest. Wait, were you gonna ask? You were gonna say, I was gonna say,

I forget it. Let's move on. No. No. No. No. No. That's right. We'll figure out. I will go I'm gonna go to different I'll sneak it in later. That's right. We'll figure out. I want to go to different road, right?

But sometimes you go back on the old road. That's what I just did with my Uber driver calls. The roads are closed. Get here and I had to walk. I'm so sorry. I don't care. I just can't live how hot it is over here. It's pretty hot.

It's another heatwave. Can you bump the AC just a little bit? Yeah, bump it up just a little bit? Yeah, bump it up from a tail, okay. So anyway, I'm sorry, I'm a tailwhip. I want to, let's bring him up. So you just recently had a special. I did.

Yeah. I don't watch any specials, but I saw the poster. Yes, called Hairplugs and Heartache. Yeah, yeah. Talk about my hairplugs. And then where was it released? YouTube? I released it on YouTube.

I wanted to originally call it Netflix says no. Yeah. But my manager was like, I don't think that's a good idea. I still think it's funny. It's funny. That is funny. Yeah. And I, it just makes me, I'm gonna say your name,

but I'm just saying, it just gonna make me so angry when someone like you was like a power, you're a four. Bottom. Okay. Okay. Sorry. power. You're a four. Bottom. Okay. Sorry. I clenched. Anyway, they just a little bit, but a power like you,

I would just assume that everybody would want to clamor to get your special. I haven't had much love from the industry, which is okay, because then I've carved out a career for myself, but I just, I don't get cast and stuff. I don't, projects I try and sell, no one, it's like, it's not, they're not, there's no one's in love with me over there.

I mean, especially Netflix, like we tried four times to tell a version of that special to them. And every time they were just like, it's not right for our audience. We just don't think this is, you know, they kept coming back with stuff like, it's not relatable. And I was like, okay, then I made a decision, I'm just like, it's not right for our audience. We just don't think this is, they kept coming back with stuff like,

it's not relatable and I was like, okay, then I made a decision, I'm just gonna do it myself. I called Schultz like two years ago. And I was like, what do I do? Like I can't pay rent, I don't sell tickets. Like this is embarrassing and he talked me for like three hours and was like, here's what you're gonna do,

here's the clips, here's this, and I just followed everything and you told me. Yeah. And then, yeah, that's crazy. What's happened in two years. Wow, wow, wow. But now I'm just like, I don't really, now I feel like, you know, I have,

I like my life. You're killing it. Thanks. And I'm gonna say something, we were in Indianapolis. That's where we saw you, right? That was so much fun. There's so much fun.

And you were doing a show in Indianapolis. We were doing shows right next to each other. I was in the Egyptian room, which looks like the set of the Prince of Egypt, the Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, do it. And then you guys were right next to me. But that was one of my favorite comedy moments was getting off stage performing and then running just across the hallway and going on stage with you guys. It was such a fun, cool comedy. And you fucking killed it. And in my mind, I remember being on stage with you going,

oh my god, this guy's a fucking force. Thanks. He's like, he, because I mean, we've had a guys come up on stage and then three minutes in, they just walk off. Right. They just, I did it. They feel like they're being, they're drowning. Oh, right. Right? But you weren't like it. They feel like they're being drowning. Oh, right.

Right. But you weren't like that. You were like, no, here I am. You know what I mean? And, well, because it's a very, it's like you guys ask for questions, but it creates the sort of hostility. You know what I mean?

Like there's like a battle happening, and no matter who asks a question, like mother Teresa could come back to life and we'd be like, the old bag, like it just was like, it was so, you know, and so I'm very comfortable in that environment. Anyway, give a rubber plant,

Mateo laying everybody. Woo! Ciao. Yeah, so you're going to Australia tomorrow. I do, I'll stay. You've never been there before? No, oh my God. Well part.

I'm going to Melbourne, Brisbane, and Sydney. I've never eaten more than I've eaten in Melbourne. That's what everyone says. They said that it's like amazing eating cities, very European lots of Italians, Gays, like oh, like, okay, it's not. Great coffee, yeah. I really love good coffee.

I hate traveling and getting bad coffee. There's nothing pisses me off more than ordering a latte and they bring it to you in a tall cup. So it's just 90% foam. And then the, although I want the espresso's on the bottom in several bowls. Which is ordered espresso's on the bottom, in stuffable. Yeah, in theory. Which order to expresso then? Espresso.

Thank you. Thank you. He hasn't learned that in a lot. What do you mean? Es. You can say espresso. We keep trying to tell you it's espresso. But.

Yeah, but it can't just, why would you even correct me? It's the, why would we correct you? Yeah. I mean, when I said espresso, yeah, right? Did you Yeah, I mean when I said Expresso, right? Did you understand what I was saying? No.

Oh, that's what a language is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a language very here. Expresso. Yeah, that's a good one. Um, excuse me. And I apologize. I know, I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's a way to that Italian stuff. I'll get very... I'm coming in hot today. I'm sorry you guys. No, no, no, no. I know, I'm sorry. It's okay. It's a way to that Italian stuff. I'll get very... Yay. I'm coming in hot today. I'm sorry, you guys. No, no, no, no, I like it. Bobby, no, this is what I like.

The roads were closed. I get it. I walked half a mile. Yeah. So hot. But you didn't know what it meant. But anyway, why don't you order an espresso? Because I...

Because sometimes in the morning, like what I usually try and do when I'm on the road, I like Google really good coffee shops because I want in the ceramic cup like a latte or a cappuccino and like maybe a design and whatever and someone who sort of hates me because I'm not woke enough making it for me. And that's how I like my coffee. You like design? It's fun. It's fun.

Yeah. What you like design on the foam? Yeah. But usually that means it's going to be made in the the bright like the's fun. Yeah. What you like design on the phone? Yeah. But usually that means it's going to be made in the bright, like the right proportions. Yeah. Not going to be too tall of a cup or something. I know what it is like about Batman. Which one?

The newest one. Oh, with the... Can I just tell you about the Batman guy from Twilight? No, Robert. Yeah, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What I didn't like about it is, you know, when the riddleer... You see it?

I saw half of it because I got bored quickly. I just couldn't tell. I was like, what I did it like about it is, you know, when the riddleer, you see it? I saw half of it, because I got bored quickly. I just couldn't tell. I was like, what is this? What are we doing? What is going on? What is going on? Like, Lisa Treger has a joke, she's like, it's 70 years of Batman.

Like, it's just enough. Like, you know, and I agree with her. I'm like, every time there's like a new Batman movie, I'm like, we get it. He's mad his parents are dead. He's very rich and lives with a packet. I don't know what else you want me to say. Like movie. I'm like, we get it. He's mad his parents are dead. He's very rich. He's in the list of the faggot. I don't know what else. He's like, hey, like this, I'm here for the only good Batman

is the one with Uma Thurman and Arnold Schwarzenegger because it's schlock and shitty. And it's like, this is really kind of what Batman should be. The Joel Schumacher version. The Joel Schumacher version. Okay, okay. They keep just giving that man movies. More money.

I can't get it special, but Joel Schumacher is fucked up in the box office and wasted billions of dollars like Yeah, yeah, well I'm gonna finish my thought then. Sorry. It's okay. Okay, so you didn't like it, but I was rewatching it the other day I've got it board I've seen it 40 times and My my one of my favorites and the newest the, the newest one is one of the favorites. I just like that genre. I mean, that type of, that superhero. Specifically.

Is that something straight guys relate to like this sort of mysterious, like the bachelor life? I don't know what it is about fat. Like, I can give two shits about Batman and the world. I'll tell you why I think Batman is popular. Yeah. He's just a regular dude.

And he doesn't have any power. He's not that regular. He's not. No, he doesn't, he's just a regular dude. He doesn't have any power. He's not that regular. He's not. He's a billionaire. He doesn't have like power. He's like, slaves on his eyeballs. And like, but that might have went on his butthole. That makes him boring.

All right, what? That makes him more boring. Okay. You don't really fly. Who's making these contraptions? I know. And I don't like seeing him either. But he has billions of dollars. Right. So he doesn't make, like. So he. I'm bad. I don't like seeing his either. But he has billions of dollars.

Right. Right. So he doesn't make like, so he's just a money. Way boy. Way in enterprises. There's a division in Wayne to enterprises. Am I not right? R&D.

R&D. Thank you so much. And they have the money and they just, he has a dude like Q or whatever. Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. Yeah. Morgan Freeman. Yeah. What's his name? Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. Yeah. What's his name? Morgan Freeman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's call him Mr. Mosley. I like, just because I like these looks like I'm Mr. Mosley. I really love the original Batman animated series. The one from like the early 90s. WB. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The first few seasons of that, I thought were about a real good. Yeah, because you were like things colorful.

That's a nice thing. I'm lying. Right, and you like things to frolic. Wait, what don't you like about Batman? What do you mean? I didn't say it, I like it things to frolic. Wait, what don't you like about Batman? I didn't say it in like it. I thought you said you know what I don't like about Batman. I'm gonna go, what was about that expresso thing, the fucking phone. How? That's what it's supposed to be.

I just wanted to go do the phone thing and it became this. I'm sorry, you can't express yourself. You're supposed to be the one who needs to be the one who needs to be the one who needs to be the one who needs to be. Play out words, okay, so here we go, right? Let's go back now, okay. So the Batman, right? So the Riddler gives himself out, right? And now he's just at a diner, right?

He orders one cappuccino, am I saying it right? Yeah. And he orders a cappuccino, right? And he knows that the FBI and the feds, I think it's thousands of dudes are like gonna, because he wants, he's planned this to get caught. But he's sitting there doing something on his, right? And he makes that, it's too perfect.

What's perfect, Bob? What's that? That question mark. Oh, the design is important. And then because he's like, this is where in the Batman movie, you couldn't suspend your belief. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

I was out after this. I mean, you literally said the man pressure, the riddler, and then you're like, but the foam. It's just too perfect. You know what I mean? Better if it was like kind of like, oh, I think I know what that is.

Yeah, but you know how stupid audiences are. I think I'm like, I don't understand what I'm looking at. Oh, right. Like they need to be like, oh, I think I know what that is. Yeah, but you know how stupid audiences are. I'm like, I don't understand what I'm looking at. Oh, right. Like they need to be like, that's right. That's what it is. Okay, okay, okay. You should have done one upside down one for the Latinos. Yeah, yeah.

All right, so let's just move on. So in the morning, I would know. So in the mornings. So early in the mornings, when you're in your hotel, you like to order espresso. Oh, I mean, lattes. Yeah, that's what the point was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you like the foam and you like the designs on the top. Yeah, yeah Okay, that's that's you Oh, journey Do you know that that really is me?

Do you know that that really is me? There's nothing more gain anal about wanting certain kind of lattes in the morning and that's just who I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's you. So um, we- These are Starbucks guy. Oh, I was not Starbucks. Why? Oh.

You know, it's funny. I took- they opened up a Starbucks in Rome in Rome, Italy. Yeah, my friend Francesco Di Codolo, who's in Italian comedian, he's great. We went there, he's never been to Starbucks. So when we go inside, he goes, you know what, these strange, I go, what, he goes, that there is coffee being made and I don't smell it.

That's very true. Oh, wow. That is very true. Yeah, that's, oh, they must hate Starbucks over there. They loved it. Tell Matteo what he used to do with a coffee grinder when he used to work at the... In a part of Los Angeles. Oh, San Diego. Oh, San Diego.

I lived in San Diego. Who gives a shit about coffee shop in San Diego? Oh, you want a shit. I stole from Michael's and I got fired and the way Michaels. Yeah, you were an employee when you stole. Yes, yes, I was working. Oh, that's different.

I just used to steal from every shop at the mall, but I was never an employee. Oh, yeah, I was I was taking them down from the inside. Mm, I like that. I respect that. But wait, so you made a surprise. No, stop. Are you guys done?

Yes, I'm sorry. Now, because like Michaels is really overpriced. Well, it's also like only visited by like, women in their early hundreds, kind of a bead. You know what I mean? A bead? One toe.

I had to do something to fill some kind of thrill of life, so I would steal. And I'd have my friends steal too. They would like, like, bag up shopping carts and like, it was so full and then I would just swipe their student ID and print a fake receipt and it's good. But they just fired you, that's it, nothing else. Yeah, but also I was fired by my manager

who in July were scarves because she was trying to cover her hikis all over her neck. So there's no real respect there. You know, she has no dignity. What was the main item you stole from Michael? I may name it. Why? Well, the one that I got caught was a Winnie the Pooh cake pan. I didn't even need it.

I just wanted to steal it. I dated a girl there, her name was French house, because she's married with a pit bull now. But I don't know. Anyway. Bereast that. Yeah. Bereast the Bob.

Tell us your stories. You're fucked. That, man. I got this. I've been controlled, dude. Right? Yeah, we'll go Bob tell us your stories. You fuck that to that man. I got this. I'm in control dude. Right? Yeah, we're going all the way. I love it. I say Asian am I ruining this podcast?

No, I don't. This is like I'm a boss. Okay. I want to say this. I've ever go blast. In fact, if you were to guess every time I would love it. Okay. Okay.

So let me, can we go back to. Barista Bob. Yeah, this is like a Tarantino movie. That's great. I want to get back to Franchaska with a pit bull at some point. Great, no, I don't. Oh, wow. I don't.

Friends the ship, so. Let's do that. Maybe we don't. I want Barista Bob first. You're the co-host. Barista Bob goes first. Okay. Anyway, we had an uppity clientele.

Okay. We had this lady named the mocha lady. And then we had another lady named Meketfresh. And Meketfresh was like, you know, the person before her, can I have a latte? So you'd foam milk, you'd use half of it. And then she would order a latte, but she'd like dump that and make it fresh.

Oh, so she'd make it. Got it. Why? Because she just wanted her own, she wanted to see her own milk being. And after like a month of every morning, make it fresh, or the mocha lady complaining about some buck and bull shit, right?

One morning I snapped, and I went crazy, and I took four cockroaches. I put it in the espresso grinder, and I ground all the expressors with the cockroach, for East Abob, for East above Bristol Bob and So I'm sure people got sick I'm sure I'm sure what is this I can't believe you would do that I'm your mind

Discuss you put cockroaches and an espresso grinder and you're asking me if I'm out of my mind Just give her decaf and call it a day. No! Jeez. You gotta get revenge. You gotta get revenge. But then I read this thing that says, if your coffee is made from pre-ground beans,

there's a pretty good chance you're drinking up ground up cockroaches. And I already knew this fucking. That, according to one scientist who revealed that entomologists who work with cockroaches often develop like an allergic reaction to insects and at the same time have developed an allergic reaction to pre ground coffee. So most of pre ground coffee does have a cockroach ratio. That's how much though. Like it's not like 25%.

It does. Not buried the Bob percent. Yeah, this was 400%. Yeah, it was like my God, did she drink it? Well, everyone drank it. Oh, so you can just grind and go, I'm gonna switch it out. Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just, oh, it's fine.

It's fine. It's like a step away from a saw movie. Like, I don't, it's so disgusting. But you have to also imagine that happens all the time everywhere in every restaurant. We're not privy to it, we don't know anything about it. That's what you have to be, I mean, you should be nice anyways, but I'm always nice to like staff

or if you go into a coffee shop, hello, how are you? You know, you try and talk and... Yeah, my thing is too, is like, people go, why did you tip more at this restaurant when they were so mean to you? And I go there's several things. I don't want them to pee my food and also number two, right? I'm gonna I want to come back here. I like this food. So maybe the next time I come back there I'm like, oh, there's a little Asian guy that tips well, right?

There's like there's you know me a theory behind it. It's not like I'm being crazy Everybody it's Helix Sleep. For your sleepy time, it's Helix Sleep. You guys, I have a bunch of beds in my house. The only bed I use is Helix. I'll tell you why. It's the best in the market. Okay? The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe collection,

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It's like Pokemon cards. I maybe have, I'm up to eight mattress. I just like having them. To me, you know what? I don't even have eight bedrooms, but I have eight Helix mattresses. It's rude. You're right, people have baseball cards.

Yeah. Some people have Pokemon. I have Helix sleep Some people have Pokemon. I have Helix Leap. Same with me. Yeah. All you have to do is take the Helix Sleep Quiz. And for example, me, since I am a side sleeper,

and I run a little hot, I was matched with a midnight mattress, but I chose the Lux version, so it's a little bit thicker. Oh, my. And I'm... What are you, the queen of Egypt? I am. How did you know? Oh, my God. Anyway, go ahead.

Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixleap.com slash belly. And use the code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With helix, better sleep starts now. You know? Yeah, because at one time at BCD Tofu House, the guy literally handed us our

Sundubu, which is like boiling hot, right? Okay. And he threw it like a frisbee. Like, you want to spit it across. That's how they serve you food in Delta now. They just hold the tray at the front of the plane. It's just so over the jobs. Yeah, yeah.

But Bobby tipped him like 100 bucks. Yeah, good form on the Frisbee Throne. You know what I mean? And I gave him like a lot of money. Well, you have third degree brother. Yeah, here's an extra hundred. I always go there. You know?

I didn't even give eye contact. He was like this. Yeah. I remember my brother and I went to a Korean place. And they made these like fish cakes, right? And it was one of those things where they had all this menu and then the bottom, somebody had written, we have fish cakes too, where they bake it and this thing,

but red bean, but you could tell that they don't ever make it, no one ever requested it, but my brother and I requested it. And I remember them getting the batter out and it took them like 20 minutes to make it because they had to turn on the thing and they were flustered and they tasted like shit Oh, right and we threw it away and we waited in line and we ordered more Just so they we can watch What is your cycle?

You're like the red-lerged Weird was that you put the question And my brother and I weren't like cackling in line That I can get behind. Yeah, so far, so far when that happened. Yeah. But anyway, yeah, so I tip well, but I get what you're saying, you know, I get it. What are we talking about?

Kind of similar to how you, when you get your car from Valle at a hotel, you go around like 18 times. Yeah, that do that too. And we just wave at the Valle. I don't know. It's a game he likes to play. It's really strange. It's some LA talk, I'm like, LA. I live in New York, I don't even have a license.

You don't have a license? No, it's expired. I'm gonna get it again, but it was like, I don't, who drives in New York? I know, but you don't, do you know how to drive? Yeah, yeah, I grew up in Chicago. I don't have to drive. How do you know, how do we know that?

But I'm gonna test them right now. That's a good point. I'm gonna do it, you had a license in Chicago? I did, it expired. But. How do you know? How do we know that? Test them right now. That's a good point. I would do it. You had a license in Chicago? I did, it expired. But then in New York, to get a new license, you have to have your Social Security card.

I didn't have my Social Security card and then trying to get the whole process so fucking annoying. But I literally just got my Social Security card and just got my state ID. So I'm gonna go, I take the drivers test to get my license. Again, oh shit. I don't have to drive just answer question

Okay, um, that's right. You're from Chicago because your grandfather married Esther Pavitsky's Parents, oh, that's right. What? Yeah, my grandpa's blind. He's a judge So that's Bad lips I think I think I heard everything wrong So that's how it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just madlibs. It's stop stop. I think I heard everything wrong. Say, say we, you heard it right. No, so your dad, a judge?

My grandpa. Your grandpa's a judge and he's blind. Well, that's how Esther even found out that it was your grandpa, because Esther used to tell a story about her parents were married by a blind judge. And then you spoke about your grandpa and because Esther used to tell a story about her parents were married by a blind judge, and then you spoke about your grandpa, and she was like, wait a second,

I think Mateo's grandpa is who married my parents, and sure enough, that's what happened. Wow. Connection. I know. Things just, you know, intercede riddler. You're in blinded, riddler.

I'm not sure. What? He did? Yeah. Did you know him? At five. In general, he could have died with you. Actually, so my blood grandfather, he's my adopted grandfather, my blood grandfather is Mexican.

And he had five kids with my grandma and five kids with another woman and named him all the same names. Oh. Oh. I don't know my Mexican family, but I am Mexican. Oh wow. They named the five the same as the same names. I don't know my Mexican family but I am Mexican. Oh wow. They named the five the same as the other. Yeah there were two walkings to Lisa. That's somehow my grandma got my uncle Jack's name from walking change Jack. This is a talent show. I don't know how she did it. Hey Italy. So yeah. But anyway, so then my grandma remarried a Sicilian

my blind grandfather and he had two more kids together when they married Was he blind then yeah, it was blind at five He got sick at five years. Yeah, but how do you get pussy at when you're blind? You're smart, okay? I understand even about the judge like I wouldn't even go to school if I was blind so people who are blind should just sit at home Twitling their thumbs that's exactly what you're saying. No, I'm just saying me. How dare him try and get pussy. I feel like a... No, no.

He's so big. You blind. Also referring to my Nana is just pussy. Like you fucking psycho. Oh my God. Oh my God, let's go back. I apologize. No, no, no, no, here's what we go. Here we, let's go back. I apologize. No, you know what, you know, here's what,

no, no, here's what we go. Here we go. I'm back. Okay. I'm back. How many commercial breaks are you taking in your head? Like I'm back. All right, I'm back.

I'm back. We're back, everybody. You didn't hear the whole time. I'm here again. Okay, I'm here again and I'm focused and ready to go. Okay. So you hear what I want to say. I want to apologize to you. You don't have to apologize to me. I'm funny. and I'm focused and ready to go. So you hear what I want to say. I want to apologize to you.

You don't have to apologize to me. I'm funny. Me? Sure. Me, I. Can I go back to the very beginning? What? The entire podcast?

No, the thing I was going to say in the beginning. Yeah. Because I was thinking about that the whole time. Say it. Oh God. When did... What? Are you back?

Yeah, here we go. And we're back. I wish I could have just said this back in the beginning, because now I'm so self-conscious because I believe I feel like that a million people have asked you this question, right? And I'm just going to do it anyway. Okay. So when did you think that you...

When you're gay. Literally the one thing. Oh, sorry. When? About seven minutes ago. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's nice. We're good information. Yeah, it's not like I'm an X-Men,

where I'm a mutant, and I discover my cow was at a teen. Just like, when did you know you were, well, you're difficult to ask. When did you know you were straight? I don't think I am. That's why I'm asking you. Oh, I don't know when I was born. There you go.

Same thing. Wait a second, I wanna go back to a couple Tiger bellies ago. We're like, you fought Gilbert and I about blindness and how you thought that being a blind photographer like wasn't impossible thing to be. Yeah. Well, that's a, being a blind photographer is that's where stress. There are a couple other jobs that he said was it were impossible. I didn't say judge though. Now judge you can do. I mean, you know, yeah. Like, what other ones we relate, you, judge you can do. I mean, you know, yeah, like, what other ones we relate.

You can hear the gavel, I mean. But yeah, I mean, that's fine. Yeah, but, yeah, that, I don't think that a blind person could be a NASCAR driver. Can you never know, actually? I don't think a normal people can be a NASCAR driver. I mean, could we find jobs that more normal people can do? Wait a second, I listened to this episode of This American Life

where this guy was. That's so still going on. Yeah. The NPR show. Yeah. Great. Here we are. So today, it's like it's enough.

It's like it's all mighty. It's enough already. That's the best. Sorry. Well, this guy was going blind, but he had a dream of always being in like a demolition derby. But then he kind of fulfilled his of always being in like a demolition derby. But then he kind of fulfilled his dream. He went into a demolition derby and he was a blind guy, but he was like a driver.

So I think, you know, you're wrong about that. Okay, I'm wrong. You know, my grandpa, he's obsessed with sports and the white socks and he got to announce a game. What they did is they brought him in and they had someone speaking in his ear, what was going on and then he was able to talk on what a remarkable man. That was kind of cool. You should do a documentary about him.

I know, well people have approached him. I should, he's just, you know. You still alive? Yeah, yeah. My Italians don't die. They're gonna live forever. I'm telling you right now, you should direct and do a documentary about him.

Well, you know what I mean? I should get a Netflix special first and then I could direct. Well, could I just, I wanna go back to special first and then I could direct. Well, I want to go back to that. All right, here's a deal, dude. You think that I have had love from the industry? I get... My whole career has been like that.

No, I know. I'm just saying, when you're saying, like, why aren't you this? And it's like, well, it's out of my control, you know? I am you too. Yeah, I feel, you're right, you're right. You shouldn't even ask that. All right, but what I want to say to you is though, that what I love about this new age,

is we can just go direct to the people. Yeah, and the people have spoken. Yeah. And one day, the middlemen are gonna be gone. Well, you know what I love about it is that, you find the more you have a career for yourself, the more you realize that comics aren't competitive with one another, we support and love each other.

It was other people telling us to be pit against each other. So get rid of those people. And we can be happy for all of our friends' success. Yeah, I find that to be very interesting. Like I love the fact that like, you know, I could see you in an airport and we could talk and chat and feel like, oh my god, here's our long-lost friend

that I haven't seen in a long time. I do feel that. Like last night I was with the RU garbage boys. I love that. That was the most fun podcast I've ever, I was complete garbage. Yeah, I was, when I told him I'm at Mexican grandpa and I have an uncle younger than me

because he kept having kids and growing up with no money, they were like, you're trash. I should know. I'm total trash, yeah. But we saw H Foley and Kevin last night at Austin. And I feel, I've only been hung out with them like two or three times in my life. But there's already just a comfortable family like vibe. When I met Santino, we had never met each other.

And we did some horrible festival in Mexico together and just immediately friends. Immediately friends. Yeah, immediately. Say, say, say, that's what I love about comics. You know what I mean? I also go into airports anytime it's a Friday and I'm at an airport,

I'm like, who am I gonna run into today? Yeah, it's so fun. Which meeting am I gonna run into today? Yeah, there is no, but you know, it's very competitive in the open mic around the world. Yeah, you know, it's so funny. Open mic, the world of open mics and how they work, especially in New York,

it's sort of just cycles and changes every five to 10 years. Like what I was doing when I was at Open mics, 12 years ago is probably the complete opposite of what's happening today. Right, I mean, did you like pass out flyers? No, I never barked. I never barked. That's what the fuck part brought.

I never did page shows. Yeah, I always did. I was at the Creek of the Cave when it was in New York City. And it was a great place for comics who couldn't get stage time to just experiment and meet other comics and have a community. And then I would only do shows if I was asked to be on them or if I was past at a club or something.

But I never stood on the street and barked. And there's nothing wrong with doing that. I just, for me, I just didn't. Yeah. I mean, when I played the laugh factory when they had one in New York, Jamie and I started going, Hey, I want you to the headline.

I'll fly you out. I go, okay. I fly out there, and he goes, you still don't take it out. I go, okay, I fly out there, he goes, you still no tickets. And I go, okay, and he goes, this Asian girl knew are gonna pass out flyers. That's right. It was Asa Akira, the porn star.

Oh, really? She was in high school then, she wasn't a porn star then. Was she doing stand up? No. No. She was just like, I need a job. So her and I would go out in the street. This is many, many, many years ago.

And we would just sell. It was an on 42nd street. Where was that? I don't remember, really. I just remember being angry. Yeah, that should be. That had to be a bit. That's kind of fucked up.

Just, and I had to vocalize when you're up there. I'm Bobbi Lee. I'm on, I was on that TV. I'm Bobbi Lee. I'm on a TV show. Come. Oh my. He was so humiliated. Yeah, he was so humiliated.

So her and I just went shopping. I'll fly back home. I know, but back then, I had to do it. I had to do it. Because he owns a club in LA. Right. He owned one in Hawaii at the time, so I'm like, oh my god.

Now they have one in Chicago. Yeah. Remember that was the big deal we waited to do and open Mike there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like two hours, it was like a line of Disney world to go up and bomb for six people. So you started in Chicago.

Yeah. Did you ever play the Schomburgian proverb at all, ever? I've never, no, I actually never played that. I never played Zaini's either. Wow. Well, I did play Zaini's like as a showcase, like being on the showcase forever,

but Bert, who used to book it, ugh, he, I don't know. He got mad at my agent for something that I didn't, the agent I didn't even work with anymore. And he was like, well, then your client Mateo was never working here again. So I never worked Zaini's, but I'm doing the Chicago

theater in a couple weeks. Yeah. Sold out. Yeah. Sold out. I know. It's unbelievable. It's so unbelievable.

And my whole family's coming. I have like 34 first cousins and they're all gonna be there and they're meeting my husband. They've not met him yet. So he's gonna be completely attacked all at once. That's what I'm saying. Wait, they haven't met your husband yet? No, we just got married.

Only my mom and dad have met him because we did a city hall wedding which is like getting married at jail. Oh, well, you guys are so hot. He's so hot. Oh my God, this is so too hot. Well, we're dressed like gay club owners in 1978. Like, we've just done cocaine, but.

We guys are so cool. I know, I love him so much. There he is. O'Rothery go. What is he? Mexican for Mexico. You're Mexican. Yeah.

It's working. Yeah. I look like a daily worker, but yeah. Yeah. Is that a one piece thread? No, it does look like a one piece, but two piece, but it's... Whoa. Yeah.'s, yeah. Well, how did you guys meet?

We met on Instagram. Oh, DM me, I'm desperate. I mean, look at him. Of course I was the first one to get a message in. He was doing these videos, like you know these like almost soft, core porn videos, now people do like get ready with me in the morning and they're in their underwear.

You know, anyway, so I was just going through my explore page, I think I was on a plane and I saw him and I was like, oh, I was like, he's so hot and so then I followed him and then he followed me back and then I was like, hey, and he was like, hey, and we started chatting and then it just didn't stop. Did you live in New York? No, he lived in Mexico.

So I was going back and forth in Mexico in New York. That's such a fun LDR. I know, it's so cute. I'm like, uh, oh, man. Well, so if you lived in Mexico, you lived in New York. That's such a fun LDR. I know, it's so cute. I'm like, uh, Well, so he lived in Mexico, you lived in New York. Yeah. Talk to me about the first time you met him. He came in April to New York for the first time,

so we first met. Did you pick him up at the airport? I did. Oh, I went all the way to J.F. fucking place. Pick him up, which is no concept of how annoying that is. And, but yeah, he came out and I just, we went, I've said it, it's so gross because I hate being sentimental,

but when I met him, the first thing I thought was, oh, he's gonna be in my life a very long time. And we fell in love immediately. I know, we connect very well. And we're all, we're interested in the game. I like details. I like details. How long had you guys been talking before meeting?

We started talking in February. So February, March, and we're all we're interested in I like details. I like details. So how long had you guys been talking before meeting? We started talking in February so February March and then April and he was like okay We're face timing each other good morning good night like we need to meet each other like yeah come to New York And he was like all right. I'm gonna get a ticket a hundred percent good morning good night is you guys are on Yeah, did you help by the ticket or did you buy no? No, he got it. That's that's great. I love that Well, he does that that so important to you? He does like, he's got like modeling jobs and commercial work and stuff in Mexico. No, he's going to go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

why is that important to me? Yeah. Well, I'm just saying if I met somebody, right? And they were like, I want to come out. And I'm like, okay, you have to buy the ticket. To me? It would make me feel a little weird, that's all. Well, he was like, do you want to come to Mexico?

And I was like, honestly, I'm still touring. So it would be easier if you could just come to New York. Like it would just be so much easier for me. But did you guys, so he gets off the play you hug? Yes, I saw. That's the biggest test, right? Because you could have all of the connection via FaceTime, but then the physical chemistry is the only thing

you're not sure about. But when you, when you saw him in person, you immediately think. Immediately. Oh my God. I know. Even touching. Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I love him. How long do these stay out the first time? Just four days. Oh that's it. Did you spot? No, I didn't. I didn't. Great. I was like, I wasn't going to be like, I'm back at the seller.

I'm just like, why? I'm not. I'm not. But Daryl. We did I'm back at the seller. I'm at the seller. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, what? What's up? What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up? We did have a reception at the seller, because we had a city hall wedding, and I was like, I just told Liz, who's the manager at the house.

I love her. She's the best. She's the best. And I was like, can we just do a reception at the seller? Thinking just a place for us to meet up, they had a wedding cake. They made first one. Johnny, one of the waiters made us a wedding cake,

and it was so beautiful. All my friends, it was just a really beautiful day. Wow. Yeah. And did you, so the second time now, did you go to Mexico? I went to Mexico. I have a whole, I have a whole new bit about it, so I don't want to give it away. You don't have to give it away. But basically I was delayed seven and a half hours because of the fucking volcano while I was stuck in the San Antonio airport, which is the ugliest people have ever seen in my life.

So it was a nightmare, but I made it. I made it to Mexico. I'm Mexico. You haven't been to El Paso, but my point isn't there. So you, and then you went to Mexico. How long did you stayed that time? I stayed, well that was two days and I came back another a couple of weeks

and I stayed for like 12 days or something like that. Wow. Because then my vacation started and then him and I went to Italy together. So I got to introduce all of my friends and family in Italy and then we went back to Mexico, back to America and it just was like, okay, we're in love.

Did you meet his family when you were in the country? Yeah, yeah, I know his sister is now my niece. His other sister is mother, his aunt. They were so, and you know what's funny is like, because I speak Spanish, but I have like a really thick Italian accent when I speak it. They were just so much more chill than Italians are.

Like I was waiting for like them to like kiss me and hug me and like, but they were like, oh my God, so nice to meet you. I'm like, oh Roderick, you're gonna be attacked by my family. So you're gonna eat you alive. He's like, no, I'm ready for the mote. I'm like, you're not, you're not ready for it. You're not.

I'm going to just lose him in a sea of ants. I just don't. Wow. I love that, though. I love just physical, like, swarmed by physical affection. I know I read this article was like, don't force your child to hug an adult if they'd, like, a uncle or an if they don't want to, like, give them their space. Like, this does not apply to a talent.

Yeah, I think there is no personal space like this does not apply to a talent. Yeah, I think there is no personal space in any talent. Same with the Latinos. So for us, it's kind of like, you know, especially because you do the best so you still do the kiss on the cheek. I love that. Tagalog. Tagalog, yeah.

Tagalog is mixed with Spanish. It's yeah, especially my dialect. Subwanos even more Spanish. Really? Yeah. So all of our days of the week like Luna's Smartness miracle really our numbers are in Spanish like Table like Lamesa is the same. Let me saw we just changed it a little bit Change it a little the dialect and Sicily there's 34 languages in Italy and none of them can communicate with each other

So everyone has to speak the national language Italian Yeah, and the Sicilian dialect like speaking of that, it's like the, like, if you are fluent in a talent, you cannot communicate with them. Wait, that's exactly how it is in the Philippines, like the national language, technically, is Tagalog. Right. But a lot of Tagalog people, most of them don't understand my dialect. So there's a lot of miscommunication. But it's heavily

Spanish. Yes, it is. Mine is very heavily Spanish. Can I hear like an example, like what you did today or something? The sentences were words, like let's do words. Yes, it is. Mine is very heavily Spanish. Can I hear like an example, like what you did today or something? The sentences were words, like let's do words. Okay, excuse, right? Like shoes. Yes, zapatos, or tenedor, puchada. Oh, what's the word, what's the word, what's the word, what's the word, what's the word? The months of the year, like.

How do you say butter, is it matakia? No. Did we just say butter? Butter, really? English. Yeah, an Italian butter is burro, which means donkey and Italian. Yeah. Or donkey and Spanish.

Yeah. That sounds silly. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. No, I love the side bars. I'm learning so, no, I love the side bars. Does everyone think you're Latina? Always, yeah.

I think they call us, or Gilberts, calls Filipinos, like the Mexicans of the sea. Yeah. Yeah, we're kind of like because Magellan first landed in my island specifically and that's actually where he died. He got up. Well, there was some sort of cross-pollination between Mexico and the Philippines at one point. I just read something about that. Maybe, but I always thought it was more that we were both colonized by Spain.

Well, that was. For us, it was like 300 years. So like a lot of like the cultural stuff is very similar. And yeah, Magellan got slaughtered on my island by like a tribal guy named Lepel Lepel. Yeah, but I don't look like this guy. Oh my god. There's my god. I was raped by someone else. Oh my god. Don't mean to ogle, but oh my god. Oh my god. Please are you kidding me? Just Google or Google ogle, whatever you want to call it,

all over him. He's looking at my audience. He's so hot. I should call him right now. What does he live? He lives with me now. Oh, he does in New York. Oh, that's amazing.

Does he like it or is it? He loves it. Oh my god. He loves New York City. What part Brooklyn or he thinks? No, West Village. Oh, he really is.. He loves it. Oh my God, he loves New York City. What part Brooklyn or? He thinks, no, West Village. Oh. Oh, he really is like, level.

Oh my God, his face, but his face, his face. Oh, I'm so in love. Okay, if I'm in New York though, I wanna meet him. Yeah, of course. Is that cool? Yeah. I'll call you whatever I'll go for coffee, coffee, whatever.

We'll get some espresso. Like that. Meet him like that. Oh my God, look at him. And he's my height. Doesn't he kind of, you think he looks a little shorter in team photos? No, he. Like that. Me too. Me too. Oh my God, look at him. And he's my height. Doesn't he kind of, you think he looks a little shorter in seam photos or a school? Oh, really?

Yeah, he looks. I couldn't tell how tall he was going to be. And then when I met him, I was like, oh, we're the same height. Yeah, he's just, oh my God, holy shit. Compane yourself, Bobby. Yeah, call him. Yeah, yeah. Does he know Bobby?

He doesn't know me. Don't embarrass me. I'm shy right now. I look shiny. I'm so sorry, call him. Yeah, yeah, does he know Bobby? He doesn't know me don't do embarrass me. I'm shy right now. I look shiny I'm so sorry you guys Rodriguez alright What are you prepared? I don't know what the ass. I don't know why you call him. Hopefully he was just eating there Hey, I'm order. He's playing Harry Potter right now. Oh, I love Harry Potter. I You playing Harry Potter right now. Oh, I love Harry Potter. Are you playing Harry Potter right now?

Put it by the mic with it. Are you playing Harry Potter right now? I'm playing Harry Potter right now. Are you doing all the Merlin trials? Are you doing the Merlin trials? Oh, he is. Yeah, I'm the boring I'm what we're looking at pictures of you about how hot you are. Is there anything you'd like to comment? Now it's not the time now's not the time to be modest. Okay, Rod, we go. All right, we'll let we'll let you go. I love you. I love you. I love you. Don't show any dick big. All right.

Bye. He's a gamer. Yeah, yeah. He loves. I'm a gamer. I play Fortnite all fucking day. You do? Yeah, and I build.

I do competitive. I'm like, I bought a set of obsessed. Oh, I love you so much right now. I can't. I have like completely obsessed with Fortnite. And the new season, I'm so mad that it just came out because I want to play to my PS5 and I'm playing it on my Switch and it stinks on the Switch.

Are you good at Fortnite? I'm really good at Fortnite. You're not a colloduty guy, you're not a war zombie. I played colloduty for a bit, but I just prefer, I like the aspect of building in Fortnite. That's really attractive to me, I love it so much. What's building? I don't know much. I've never played it before. Is that when you build a stairs and go up there?

Yes, Fortnite, you have to collect by chopping down wood, brick, or metal. Then you have your however many mats, they call them mats. You have four buttons, so one's like a wall, one's like floor, one stairs, and then one is a cone. Then you can manipulate them too. The environment. Yeah. So you see a guy up there, you can build stairs. And then you can build stairs up and build a wall,

protect yourself, edit through the wall. Like it's a, the wall, it keeps, the more you learn, the more it expands. It's an interesting way of playing. That sounds like something you would actually enjoy. Why did you never try that? I can't do it because I can barely, because I can't do two things at once.

What are you playing, Call of Duty? I used to, I'm not even good at that. He's waiting for one that comes out when this weekend? Yeah, but that's not that type of game. It's Starfield. Starfield. Oh, I don't know Starfield. Starfield, see, I like RPGs.

I love Pokemon. I do, I was playing Pokemon Yellow on the plane. It's the same thing, man. It's an RPG. Yeah, I like, I was playing Pokemon Yellow on the plane. It's the same thing, man. It's an RPG. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I like, you know, you fall out. I like, yeah, building a character, going out in the world with where I'm not, I don't have a fucking, a team.

Like, full of workraft. Yeah, it's sort of like that. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, I wanna be solo and just go on my own. So funny, that's just, you know, here's me and my friend Jacob playing Call of Duty. Oh, so you do play it? This was just for a video me and my friend Jacob playing Call of Duty. Oh, so you do play it? This was just for a video to see a gay's playing Call of Duty.

Actually, if you really want to laugh, I have, you can scroll down in my, you should release it all the way to like to the first few videos of my YouTube, me and Jacob are playing Call of Duty. It is so gay and sad how we die. Yeah. The whole thing, it's the hardest

I've ever laughed in my entire life. We both hiding in a closet. But do you have your own, you stream? Well, that's how I stayed alive during the pandemic because I was streaming. Oh wow. That was how I paid rent and paid for food

because I had no income and I had no money. So I was literally six hours a day with all my friends playing Fortnite. I had like some of the best memories of playing Fortnite. I think honestly, let's think about what I'm about to ask you right now. Well, you just really think about it. Okay.

Is what I'm gonna ask you is that maybe, I could play Warzone with you guys. Yeah. I'm not gay, but I think I'm not playing with only gay people. I know, but when I'm on, yeah, but when I'm out there, I just have, I'm not good. Well, I think we could just be, we can die together. First of all, we were more Fortnite,

so you should learn Fortnite. And you can play, my friend Corey, Donnie, and Simmer, Gavin, all straight. Oh, but I'm gonna play with me and my friend Nick and Jacob were very gay. How many people for a team? How many people in a team? Well, if we were the more of us,

we'll just do 2v2s or 1v1s, and then we just go on like creative mode and play on a map and just continue to play. Yeah, but I don't know how to play it. We'll show you how. I'll die immediately. We'll teach you how. I'm teaching around Ringo how to play where he now is like, I really love Fortnite. I'm like, well, get on it.

Really? Yeah, yeah, he'll play with us. He's like, but you are so good. I'm like, well, I'm well, you know. Now, how many characters in Fortnite? So they're called skins, but we're so gay for months, we were calling them costumes. And we were a liturant, because you guys know Bob, the drag queen,

and oh, yeah. Oh my God, love. Bob is my best friend, he's in my crew. And we were playing, we were playing, and we were like, guys, I'm just gonna make a costume change and Bob goes, they're called skins. We're not in the theater. No one's saying take five, thank you five.

It's Fortnite. I was like oh, that is very true, yeah. Wow, I would love to learn it. Yeah, I think the fear is, it's hard to get used to when you play one type of game. Yes. It's just the whole learning process, I fear it. And I don't wanna fail online, you know what I mean?

But it's like, I was fortunate enough to play it when the world shut down, March 2020. So I had nothing to do, but dream to be a Fortnite superstar. So I just spent all day doing it. But now it's hard, we're touring, we're, it's all you did. I know, but I got rid of a lot of videos.

I just, okay, if you want to see what the game looks like when it's crazy, okay, go to end game insanity, and then just click like 75% of the way through. But that's what we need to know, yeah, it's okay. So this is me, Donnie, and my friend Corey Plank. What's up with that fucking loving Miss Tahini? All right, here. Oh, it's,

What's your guvian quage you really? With the Corey and with the Corey, Miss Tahini, Miss Tahini, I want our exponer on me. Oh, you got movement. This, and this is when I wasn't even as good. Like, I was still in the mid to learn. But my job was to sort of build walls and protect them

and give them health while everything was going down. And there's only like, I didn't say that. But this is all I did over the time. I know. But then I did funny videos. Like, if you click back, I did videos with me and my friend Nick, who's like very mean and gay.

But do they have the thing where like, could you fight against obvious other people, but you can't hear them. No, you can't. Yeah, no. You don't team me. But in Warzone, for split second, if you kill somebody, you can hear them.

Three seconds of the wrong. Three seconds, yeah. I've, I killed somebody and he goes, chink. Oh. I get faggot all the time. Oh, you do? And I'm like, how do they know?

I look like everybody else. I don't know. But does that make you angry or not? I love it. Oh, you don't go, yeah. It's usually a pre-bebess in 13-year-olds who's struggling to not go to bed. Yeah, yeah.

This is not. I don't care. It's more embarrassing, frankly, that I'm on. I'm 37. It is more embarrassing. I'm 52. And I'm still great. Yeah, thank you.

But that is a thing I think the video games is like when we were kids, we were told this is four kids. But then as we are generation, as we grow older, it's like, oh no, this is very much for adults. And there's a lot of art that goes into it, a lot of writing that goes into it. And it's a great way to sort of like zone out and experience, I don't know.

I have some of my best memories playing video games. A lot of people sent me this one picture of one of the Fortnite skins and said that they might have actually built the skin around me. Really? It's like Kaliya and she has the same forearm tattoo and she has like, I think she's in that tribal attire and this was right around the time, like maybe a couple of years ago. But yeah, someone, and I was like, wait, that might be a coincidence. But with the tattoo and everything. Oh, because look at, it's her sleeve tattoo.

Yeah, and that looks a little bit like- It does look like you. Yeah. Oh, wow. But her name is a little too close, I think. And her name is Kalea. Kalea, yeah. Dude, that's you.

You think? Yeah, because she's a deep spear person. She's always in the ocean. She doesn't tattoo, she's your arm. Yeah, so it's this. Oh, yeah. And, you know, I think she might be like, I'm Filipino, she looks ethnic.

She has a spear, right? Yeah, she's water. Yeah, so, yeah, you think. Yeah, except for that pink purse. Let's just... I do have a big face. Let's not talk about that. I don't understand this wooden corset and a pink purse.

There's probably grenades and stuff in there now. Some stray person designed this clearly. They need more gays on their team. So Mataya, do you have dreams of acting and stuff? Are you an actor as well? I did. I was asked to be in a movie called Maximale of the Future and they're like, can you play like a TV host and I went there and I was like kind of doing like, hello, huh?

Like that kind of voice. And the director goes, can you be British? I said, of course I can't. I got to play the biggest asshole. I loved it. Like I wanted to do character stuff because I was like, it's me, bro. Are you tonight, bro? I just, I told my agent, it's like,

the only roles that are offered to gaze are like, Faggot who is like, like, bitchy best friend. Yeah. So I said, I don't want to do any of that. I said, I just want to play weird ugly characters. Like anything that's a weird character put me out for. Cause I do a lot of impressions. I'm like, that, I'm more there.

Well, you do impressions then. That's amazing, that voice you just did. That was pretty good, yeah. What is the deal with them hair plugs? I'm more there. Well, you do impressions then. That's amazing, that voice you just did. That was pretty good. What is the deal with them hair plugs? Oh, I got hair transplants a year ago. Oh, Bobby wants to beard transplants. I'm getting that in January.

You are? Well, you're gonna get, I had my post stop with my doctor and I was like, I just want a little more hair in the back because it's still a little thin here and maybe some more here and here. And he was like, okay, and then I go, I was like, and then I kind of want to beard.

He's like, we do that. And I go to the best guy, you have to go to my, if you get it done, you should. It's not a guy in Turkey, he's out here. No, he's in New York. He's a new, let me ask you something, okay. My fear is they're gonna put the plugs in and then I'm gonna go, I don't like what I look like.

Or do they do, you cannot undo it, I don't think. You, no. But let's do you get the answer. Let me show you photo, they probably show you photos, all right. They'll probably go, this is what it's gonna look like. They'll show you examples of other people and what they've done and sort of, they can't just take a headshot of mine

and they'll put like, you know. No, they'll talk through with you like how we want it to look. And the thing is that you also have to be able to donate enough hair to create a full beard. Do they get the hair for the beard from the face as well? Here. Oh from the neck. You don't have any neck hair. So that's the thing is like it's very particular on how many people can actually get the surgery even all your donor hair area because all your hair comes from the back. Yeah, where they bring it to the front and Sometimes people just don't have good donor hair, and he says, I don't recommend surgery to everybody. Maybe about 30% of my clients

I'll recommend the surgery. So you'd have to go have a consultation is do you have enough donor hair to even create? And the donor hair has to be on the face or can it be in the back, you said? I think there's ways of doing donor hair from other areas, but I don't know if it's gonna achieve the same. It's like a catch-tour 22, it's like,

you can't get in my get hair unless you have hair. What the fuck? I don't have if it's, I don't know if it's gonna achieve the same. It's like a catch-two or two or two. It's like, you can't get in my get hair unless you have hair. What the fuck? I don't have it here. That's why I'm asking to get hair. Plenty of hair on your head. Like Chrissy Teigen, I know she got eyebrow transplants and but I think she got it from a different part of her body so they grow really long like regular hair

and you have to like trim them. Yeah, there's something, they'll do certain, in like a last case scenario, they can take hair from like your back and you have to like trim them. Yeah, there's something, they'll do certain, in like a last case scenario, they can take care from like your back and do that. But usually what it is, if you're getting hair in your head, they use this hair, if they're getting beard hair, they use that. You can grow a beard.

Mine is like just a jafar go tea. I've always wanted like, you know, a full on the side. Yeah, I'm like, well, why not? Oh, yeah, it's different. Yeah, so once you get the, but once you get the operation, I mean, not? Oh, yeah, it's different. Yeah, so once you get the operation, I mean, you can't undo it.

So it's always gonna go there at that point. Yeah, wow. Yeah, let's suppose you took a donor from your pubes. You would have, the risk is you would have weird pubes. You should kind of do that. Yeah, but I would love that. That's what I like that look though. That's the thing.

Pugh for your cheeks. Yeah, that's a cool look. I look like a, you know, chia pet or whatever. You know what I mean? I don't be cool, I'd pu-be face. No? Get out of your eyebrows instead. That's a huge lie.

I'm just pu-pube eyebrows. Yeah. Did you audition for SNL or anything like that? No. No one, I'm told, no one was like, you know, get on, I don't know. There's a million reasons why it could be or I just don't fit certain people's criteria And that's fine. I've made a life of my own my team. I'm gonna say some to you and I'm never wrong

Okay Am I never am I wrong? Sometimes not I would say not about predicting people's careers. I'm never wrong about people's career. Okay, okay Okay, who'd you like a reading? Yes, I would love one He even has his teacup here look at the bottom of the tea. I just met his agro Yeah, you're gonna The fame that you have now and the stuff that you have now it's gonna be 20 times more in the next five years really Oh, yeah, I'll get another beard. Yeah, it's gonna be 20 times more in the next five years. Really? Oh yeah.

Oh, I'll get another beard. Yeah, you're gonna get film work. You're gonna be also gonna be a regular on a streaming TV show that's a hit. Okay, okay. And I see a baby. No, under no circumstances. You've read the wrong person.

It's okay, that was a career base. That wasn't career base. So you are wrong about the families. No, I see baby. Oh really? Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. No. I'll tell you why though. Under no circumstances. Why? I do not want children. Yeah, but I will not have children. But one, what's your husband's name? I'm a Dr.

I'm a Dr. He doesn't want him either. He doesn't want kids. No. Okay. I'm wrong. You're right. It's not a career thing. But I'll take the other stuff. Oh, you're gonna have those other stuff. Okay, that sounds good. It's still live in New York, because I don't want to live in Los Angeles.

Ooh, why? You don't want a house? I don't like it here. Why don't you like it here? I like New York. You know what, you fucking New York pieces you're so arrogant. You guys think you're above it?

You think you're above it? Yeah, we're on skyscrapers. We're physically above it. I know. But you honestly do you think it's cooler're above it? Yeah, we're on skyscrapers. We're physically above it. I know. But you honestly do you think it's cooler in New York? Yeah, it's not action wise. It's not, I don't care about that. I like being able to, I like the way the city functions.

I love urban dense centers. I love the whole vibe of it. And I love doing stand-up as much as I possibly want to. So, and I love the food, and I love bumping into people on the streets, and I love, I'm so like inspired by New York City. I just never get sick of it. I've been there for almost 13 years now. So, and LA is gorgeous and I do love houses and I just, I don't have the same, it doesn't have the same, it doesn't fit for me.

I think you're right. I think you're right. I've never said this before, but it's like, you know, the last time I was in New York, I'm like, I get it. Same. Every time I'm in New York. I'm also like, people are nicer there. I think. Like they're nicer in New York. They're more on. Everyone's more honest. Yeah. Everyone's talking about their brand or astrology. Everyone's talking about life that's physically happening. So don't you think that there's sort of this like brand new because of TikTok This resurgence of astrology in general like everyone is so insufferable. It's insane. I've never seen someone more self-righteous when you say I'm a cancer. I see that. Oh, okay. They did this study a long time ago. I think it was like on some NBC show where they gave everybody

Their astrology reading based on their sign and when asked they were like, okay, does this speak to you? They're like a hundred percent. This is me. This is me to the core But what they didn't know is they were given all the same Readings and it was the same reading for Charles Manson's birthday right. Um, reading. Right. And it was the same reading for Charles Manson's birthday. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha a very controversial author writing about. The last part of his life I would say was spent mainly debating with religious figures on how dumb religion is and astrology and psychics and all that stuff was about it. So your atheist as well? I am. So am I. Yeah.

You are too. I am. I've always been for a long time because I grew up super Catholic. No spiritual. No spiritual. There's a lot of spirituality in being non-spiritual. I'm asking the question. I'm not, you know what I mean? I sort of view it as like, I think that certain moments

or certain things or certain experiences are sort of an elevated living experience if you want to call that spiritual, whether it's someone's like singing or whether someone's like sharing a moment and those are the things that I think should be more focused on. Like I think humanity should be focused on not what's gonna happen when we die,

not what you can't eat this on this day and do that and can't wear this and can't have sex with this person. It's like, none of that has anything to do with anything and if we just focused on the now, maybe we'd be a lot nicer to each other. You know, what's yo, I had an epiphany yesterday. I've always been a, I believe in God and spiritual I thought but I've been watching that what was I watching yesterday? Oh God the U.S. and the

Holocaust which is the Ken Burns documentary. It's the movie who was telling it's before God. On the plane. I look over. That's not I watched that. It tears in his eyes. I finished it last night right and it that. He had tears in his eyes. I finished it last night, right? And it's so funny because back in the day, they had America first, which was like this movement. It's the same as Maga. You think things just kind of recycled. And Henry Ford was a fucking prick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was a prick, right? And it's just the same thing. You know what, immigrant, you know? And it's like, but it's, you know, when all, you know, six million Jews in my mind, I just, I don't know why you've never thought about it before, I'm like, they're just, and you tell the Christians, you ask Christians, you go, well, how could he allow

six million people? And they was like, what's a mystery? God, it's, yeah, it's a mystery. You challenge them, but they had a very hard facts about who's going to have it and not. Let's pick and choose, you fucking psycho. Right, yeah, God has a plan. Right. And I was thinking last time, I was like,

there's nothing, a mystery. So when I die, God will reveal what the mystery is. Why, why, why the mystery? It's like, there's nothing he can say that's gonna make me go, oh. He goes through all this effort to like sort of like make us like like guess, you know what I mean? Yeah.

What a cruel, cruel God. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, another thing that they say, there was a time when I was like, dinosaur bones, well, Satan did that. Did he? Yeah, Satan planted these dinosaur bones to deceive us. Satan.

And that just gets better at it. He's carrying a bone. That's something Skeletor and he never do. are born to deceive us. Satan needs to get some better. A bone. That's something skeleton in he now. Well, he man, you bumberling. Yes, the last one I just had this kind of, it bummed me out because I feel I have a fear of death. Do you? That's the one thing I don't have a fear of. Is that weird? You don't have a fear of death?

No. What's your biggest fear? Oh, probably people saying espresso. There it is, guys. Sure. You don't have any fear of death. No. I don't want to die in a terrible way, but being dead knows.

The terrible is kind of poetic at the same time. You know, like just being like mangled. What are you mangled? Do you know what I mean? Like a bobcat, a cat, like just being like mangled. What do you mean mangled? Do you know what I mean? Like a bobcat, a cat, a hiker, something. Oh yeah, that, yeah, that. Or just getting like a chunk of your ass taken out by a monk seal.

Like there is something very poetic about going out in a strange way. In a strange way. Yeah, that's true. You don't want to just die in your sleep. You don't want to do rose from Titanic. Like, do something more. Can I see what was the bobcat though?

I was hiking there a day. You were hiking? Well, I was hiking there a day. There's only one reason you would have gone on hike for a girl. No, I was by myself. What? I'm fat. Hey, good reason.

I'm a fucking fat man. Good reason. All right, that's why I'm a fucking hiking. I didn't eat last night. That's why I'm a fucking hiking. And I eat last night. That's why I'm no fat. I and I, we fast together. Anyway, I'm in on a trail hiking last week. No, huh.

And I go, and you know, I go, I was by myself. You know how you sometimes you see a bunch of like producers on the trail? Yeah. I'm not any, but I don't know. Yeah. There was no one. I go, is there, if there's a Bobcat I'm dead?

But then I realized, why can't I just, honestly, fetal position, right? You fetal position, your face is to the ground like this, and you just go into a ball. He's gonna nibble at your back, no? Wait a second, I don't think you realize what a Bobcat looks like. I think you're talking about a mountain lion.

Bobcats are a little bit smaller. They're a little cuter with a little thing. Oh, you know, no, I'm, let's mountain lion then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even a mountain lion, can you just feel it? And he takes chunks out your back. I still do a movie. That's a boop cat.

Oh, they're cute. Oh, those are cute. Why is this guy in a ball? Yeah. He's just going walking by like, what a creed. He's like, you're Korean. Oh, you're right. I don't think it's still fucking you up, though.

It's still fucking up. What do I do? What do I do? What do though. It's still fucking up. What do other mountain lions look like? Those are fucking lions. Those are cool girls. Those are like, you know, Puma size. Yeah, mountain lions. Like California mountain lions are pretty big. They're like fucking lions.

Oh, they're cute too though. I know, but we have those up there, right? We do, yeah. Yeah, you'll forget that. I'm dead. I'm dead. You're fucking dead. There's nothing you can do.

No, there's nothing you can do. Yeah, you're out. So Mateo, good luck in Australia. Thanks, mate. I love how she's seen. And I. Yeah, you're out. So Mateo, good luck in Australia. Thanks, mate. I love how she's doing. And I would like to see you again. Yeah, so be so. When I come to New York, I'm going to call you.

Please. And I think you're a big star now, but you're just going to be insane, man. In the next five years, man. Thanks. And I love you bye! I don't know