TigerBelly - Matteo Lane and Nick Smith Survive the Rainforest

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

Matteo Lane and Nick Smith enter the TigerBelly jungle, and Khalyla appears with a puppy. We chat panda cubs, Coachella culture, anti-animal agenda, surviving a rainforest apocalypse, gay mafia conspiracies, eating habits, zombie survival plans, spiraling into an identity crisis.Join the membership for where you live at www.joinbilt.com/belly. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.hims.com/bellySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm on my finally tour and come check me out. You're near a city. I have a graphic novel out called Bobby Lee Deadweight. It's on Guddner.com, also available on Amazon. Can you turn it up a little bit? Am I singing like an intro to the show? Whatever you want to talk about? Welcome.

It's been two years. And I'm back on the show And I brought my... Hello, everybody. Hello. Hi. We have Nick Smith and Mattelaine. Give them around applause, everybody.

It's been a while. It's been a couple of years since we've had you on. Mateo, you're new Nick. I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot how powerful your voice is. What do you mean? Like, it's just as like...

I know, it's too much. Not too much, but inside, it's like I feel the vibration. Well, I think you have dictator vibes. You know what I mean? Like a Kim Jong-un-uni. But just the vibes. Yeah, yeah, I only have the vibes. Excuse me?

I was like, do I need these? You don't need them. Am I too loud? No. Actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does this mean? It's too much.

You're already at an 11. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could go back to a nine. Could you? Yeah, I don't think I can. Yeah, yeah. It's too much. I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Nick, you're new to the podcast. Welcome. Thank you. Yeah, you guys have a podcast as well? We do, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah. What is it called?

I never lied to. But you guys do like each other. No. Debate. Contractually, we love each other. What is something that you guys disagree on? Almost. There's a lot of we do agree, but we do disagree and disagree and everything.

Yeah, yeah. When we first met each other, we did not like each other. Right. The way you shower. Well, because we're, 12. He's six foot seven. He must be so miserable in every shower. But we met through Bob the drag queen.

And then he brought him in. And Bob's like, oh, he has no gay friends. And then we met him. We're like, yeah, now we know why. Oh, so the gays don't even like you, Nick? No, no. Well, these gays apparently. Oh, there are different types?

There are a lot of different types. I don't know the world. Don't act like you. How I've lived in Los Angeles in the entertainment industry, this lobby, and you've been friends with me, and suddenly you have no idea those different types of gays. I don't know the types of gays. Evidently, you know Elton John, so you know one type of gays.

Yeah, yeah. All right. I know Brian Singer. Well, that's a difference. That's a different type of gay. Right? Right, right, right. There was...

Of all gay people that existed, you jumped to Brian... Singer. I'll tell you why. Why? Can I tell you why? Sure. Because a long, long time ago, right? I...

And this is... I don't want to... I'm just going to say it, okay? Sure. Right. So every Friday night, I would go to the IHop next to the comedy store. I love. Which you love, right?

I love. And I would see the gay mafia there. And who was involved? It was singer. Yeah? Spacey. Oh. Yeah.

It was all. They hung out. Oh, yeah. I think they were plotting at IHOP? Do you think, like you, like,

you know, sometimes you like post-A. meetings are always at like a diner, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what it is. Right,

but that's like a positive talk. And then you go to IHOP and they're just plotting the demise of, the meeting after the meeting. Right. Are you in 12 steps? No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah, but every single one of my friends, of course, yeah, of course, Bobby. Okay. And I,

every, this isn't shocking. But, but all my friends, friends are in the program. The point where I'm always like, there's no cross talk. So I just, I'm very much, yeah. I always want to bother, you know Evan Williams, right?

Yeah. I want to, I want to humiliate him because he's always so proud of himself for the speeches he gives, but in front of me, he can't. So I want to, like, sneak into one of his meetings and him be like, oh, what's up everyone? Today, oh, gosh. There's, uh, and I want to be like, sir, there's no cross talk, ma'am. Oh, because you know stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's called a pitch. Right. Right. So when I'm in an A meeting, right. It's so Hollywood.

It's so Hollywood. But I have, when I, I've been asked to be the main speaker and I know, it's like a set. I know exactly what I'm going to say, but none of it's real. But do you feel, none of it's real? Walk that back. How many times have you done these steps? Because that doesn't seem. Run that back.

Yeah, run it. It does not seem like it's doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I never talk about the steps ever, because I don't know much about them. You have. That's good. You must. Like, I've done them, but I don't know much about them.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The point is if you're sober, that's all that counts. Yeah, I'm sober. I go to the meetings. Good. Yeah, but sometimes I'll, they'll go, can you be the main speaker? So I have a comedy also a real spit.

It's gross, I know. Hold on. How much time are you doing? 45 minutes. 45 minutes. Not getting paid. I'm headlining. But are you doing the same thing every time?

Do you ever just like. In the back of a church? Yes. In the back of a church. And but are you ever finding yourself like subconsciously soliloquing into your act. Oh, yeah. And that's when I was,

had anyone ever been to TGI Friday on Tuesday? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes there's pockets where your gut goes, this is where you put a joke. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll get a laugh. I do that in, I don't know, you guys do it in therapy.

Like, I'll be in therapy, and I'm like, well, I have to insert a joke. Yeah. You know, the timing is perfect. Yeah, here's what happened one time. I was main speaking at a club, at a club. Of course. They had a podium, right?

The club of Christ. The club. So there was a podium, right? And they had like, you know, a booklet. Like, it was like a, where you do the, how it works. And people read off of it. Birthdays. It's like a folder.

And it dropped. And I'm speaking. And I went down to pick it up. But I did 45 seconds of just being there. And that came up. I finally got it. And that got a lot. And they still didn't see you above the podium.

No. God. See, this is. Sorry, Nick. Sorry not everyone. Sorry all they would see of you is your anxious. You fucking see. Jesus Christ.

Mateo, now I get Nick. Yeah, he's a monster. With that comment, I get it. Yeah, you're a monster. All right, but I love you. You don't have to say things you don't mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can just say, neither.

When I say types of gays is in. Oh, I forgot that. Yeah, yeah. I remember everything. Yeah, you said Brian's in the memory of a bear trap. All right. All right, so, are there like, like Silver Lake? Is there like, we live in New York?

I was going to say. L.A. we're not super familiar. with other than we have. Oh, you're not, no. Oh, okay. But I don't, I don't, I want, you're not gonna offend. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'll give up in this that's not been uttered.

You had Ari on earlier. This is Child's play. Oh, common gay body type. Okay. Work. I know the bear. No, hold on a second. Let's determine which one Bobby is.

He's, well, he's morphed in the last couple of time. Okay, no. Where's Slender Man for Nick? Yeah. Yeah. You are Slender Man, oh my God. Was that funny, Pussy Blouse? It was to be funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a spooky look in the night. Yeah, yeah. Like, if I was in a house and it was dark, you would have a spooky, like the ring girl. You know what I mean? Samara. Samara.

Yeah, yeah. If I was a Japanese girl that I was living with in the dark, I would be scared. And if I had had a slender man living with me, I'd be scared as well. All right. All right, so let's look at the body type. Go ahead.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you were going to tell me what I had. I don't think the twink is following exactly what it's going. There are bears, but this will be useful. They call Asian bears pandas. So Bobby could be like a panda cub because it's not quite a bear. Is that true, Nick? Yes.

Oh, so I'm a panda cub in the scene. Yeah. Yeah, and now is there, are they attracted to me? Who attractive to you? If I'm at a club, you know what I mean? Everyone has people that they're attracted to. Have you dance? Like a panda.

Like that? Like that. Rain drops keep falling on my head. Yeah, dude, I'm in a zoo. It was just born. There's an audience. It was born. I do like those videos of pandas.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm chewing on bamboo. You imagine, I'm at the club with a, bam, bam, bam, bam. You got bamboo in your mouth. I just, yeah. Bamboo. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, and so, yeah, I don't know how to do it, but my, um, wait, you did it right the first time.

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. Meanwhile, a mime trying to do it with blush at the fact that you did it so perfectly. I have done it before. Good. Yeah, yeah, anyway. Wait, when, where? In high school.

Okay. Yeah, a couple of times. Willingly? Yeah, willingly. Okay, great. Good for you. Yeah, because I'm, I'm an explorer. Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So was Magellan. Magelliella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say Columbus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were exploring. Yeah, so men would find me attractive.

Like, would I get some action? You were the one sucking and you got suck. Why would you have good looking? Why would you have trouble? Because I'll tell you this, if I'm at a straight club, right? A nightmare. It's a nightmare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really don't get, I've never gone to a club and went, oh, I got somebody's number.

But also you're a comic. You want to go to a club and get someone's number. Yeah, those are the people you want to get a number from. They're waiting for two hours. for two hours outside, waiting outside, the freezing hole. Can you get a drive by and you're like, oh, God.

Yeah. But I mean, I've done it. And it doesn't work for me. But you aren't, you're like, if you're at a comedy club, it's so much cooler. You're on stage. It's easy.

Yeah, you're like a successful comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Run down with a bunch of 21-year-olds and be like, this is my moment to meet some hot shit. Like, what's wrong with you? Well, let's segue to Coachella. You had the questions about it. I do have questions.

We have questions. We had lots of questions. Yeah, we just, we were just there. Oh, you didn't actually go. Yeah, I was there with the intention of going, didn't end up going, but I was still in Palm Springs with the gang. Had you been before? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So she has some life experience. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What are your questions about Coachella? Well, because I've never been to Coachella, but it's so fascinating to watch, like, the post-Cochella reaction on YouTube. And, like, obviously, it's like the sensational stuff of, like, like, this person spent $34,000.

And then they show these clips. She's like, so, like, yeah, Coachella costs me about, like, $78,000. Then I'm watching some gay guy He's like, all right, so obviously He's dressed like he's going to the fucking Hamptons And he's in a fucking tent And he's like, so I thought last year I put in mattress And I thought, no, no mattress this time

To the safe space, I have a corner couch That's blow up now you have to give it accessory And after that I put a director's chair Now if you look down here And I'm like, hold on a second This guy is like, and it's amazing Like good for him I heard it blew away

But I Which is kind of you know The video exists Yeah And that I can get behind Yeah But it's like what Is this the experience

Or it's either that Yeah Kylie Jenner is either in like a private jet Flying down for four hours To fly back Or people are shitting on themselves In the mud And eating pizza

I got more of a Kylie Jenner situation How? How'd you hook it up? What do you mean? How did you hook it up? No it's not about I didn't know It was The director of the whole festival

Happens to be a fan. Well, then I need to be next year. I need to be a fan of us. No, but I want to see what it's about. What do they do during the daytime? There's music still. There's music during the day. Yeah, like.

But like, do you stand up, Nick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So you would be at during the day and he would be at night. So no one's coming today. Yeah, he's in the mainstager and some tent in the far. You know what I mean?

Sure, sure. Yeah. So there's music during the day, but it's no. Right. No, there are people that have an audience. Nobody. I mean, like, the headliners aren't during the day. Yeah, Sabrina and Madonna are going at night.

At night. Was that one in the morning? Did you see Justin B. One in the morning? He finished at one in the morning. And that's why I left. Finish. No.

Finish. As if he's at the end like. YouTube. Jesus Christ. He did what I did to watch him. I mean, that's not a performance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happens is, what happened was,

Bobby loves the whole singing to himself to his old YouTube videos. Justin said, you loved it. Yeah. I don't hate it. I mean, I don't hate it, but it's like,

what else am I expecting? You're not going to wait at one in the morning to do it. No. Oh, that's usually when gay's sit around showing each other their favorite YouTube videos. Not of Justin Bieber. Well,

no, sure, but it's the same, like, we like sitting around showing each other YouTube. Sure. Yeah. Who's been your favorite performer you've ever seen at Coachella?

Honestly, I don't think anyone can top Beyonce. No, she's, that's, you know. Yonsei Coachella was like, like, it was insane. And it was just the tempo and the effort. It was like nonstop for three hours. I was, I was exhausted standing up just watching it. How many people are in the audience? Like, how many are attending?

Like, if it's like you're, if you're in Jen Pop, you're, who's? Jen Pop, you know, with the rest of the crowd, thousands. You're not just thousands You're talking about 100,000 Yeah, but then you can be off to the side of VIP And have your little, you know, section And then you can be like Bobby

Where you're like right up on the fence With your artist pass Where, yeah, so I saw the strokes And my, so what you said Beyonce She's trying, right? I like the- Biazzi doesn't try, she does Okay, what do you mean?

Just does, she's like a theory No, no, no, no No, no. Nick what? You, be honest, you think Beyonce and Justin Bieber are doing the same thing? They're doing but not the same thing, but they're still

doing. Okay, that might have been the worst response. No, it's hot. If you think about it. You're saying they're doing. What other verb am I going to use to describe the action of creating something? Do you find them equal in their performance? No, no, there's effort

now. Who? So there's effortless and effort. There's people that are You know, you know as comics, right? There are low energy comics that just kind of are on and they don't move, right? And they have people like me who's a performer. Todd Barry wasn't 20 years ago doing that. Do you see what I'm saying?

Todd Barry's like still. Like Stephen Wright, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like the chill, like funny guys, you know, like that energy really come to you. Yeah. It's always been that way. It's not like it evolved. Yeah, but Bieber's doing a Todd Barry is what I'm saying.

That would be amazing. Because then on Sunday you had Carol G. Yeah. And she was. was all effort. She brought out... Well, the women usually are. Sabrina and...

Yeah. Yeah, I saw Sabrina. All effort. With Madonna? Did people... All effort. Did people cheer and Madonna came out? Because the rumor is that everyone kind of stood around watching...

Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you. Well, my nieces were up front. My nieces are young girls, and they... Not only did they not know that it was Madonna. One of them asked, is that Charlie X-E-X. Nice. Yeah, that they were that lost about who this person was.

like, oh my God. Who doesn't know Madonna? Yeah, I would... Well, kids don't know. Yeah, kids don't. Why wouldn't they? Because if Paul McCarney went up there, everyone would know was Paul McCartney. No, I don't think so.

Although, you know what's great about... Wait, wait, wait, Nicole. I don't even know if I could pick Paul McCona. Are you fucking crazy? Compared to Madonna? Are you crazy? If you saw Paul McCartney walking down the street, you wouldn't go, oh, there's Paul McCartney?

Maybe, but if I saw Madonna, I'd be like, there's fucking Madonna. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But that's the first. bagging me. Okay, and there must be gay in me because when Madonna came out, I had goosebumps.

You gasped? Because I had no idea, it was a surprise. I gasped first. Clutched your pearls. I clutched my pearls, right? Right? You know what I mean? I started shaking. Right? And then I had goosebumps. And I go, because you first heard Vogue, the music.

Yeah. So in your head, as a logical person, you're going, Oh, she's going to do a cover of it. Right? Right. But then when you see Madatta come out, it was screaming. Right. Right. But was everyone around you reacting to?

No, there were girls going, what's going on? Which are disturbing. Our high, maybe that's a lot of it too. I think the Sabrina Carpenter fan is very young. They're like Gen Z. It's AI music, what she's doing. No, it's not. No, it's not.

There's AI music, it's not that. No, no, no. Don't put your finger at me. I'm sorry. Point it. But I'm going to defend Sabrina. That is not AI music. Point two, Adam.

Okay. You think that Sabrina is she can actually do things. Yeah, she's the talented music. Okay. May I make up my argument then? Sure. Sure. Okay.

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You know, can I just say something, Nick, your attitude right now is because of Sunder Man, you shifted. All right? You got a wendy back, by you're a ghostly look, right? Sure. All right. We were just pointing out the obvious, right? And you called me a baby. All right.

And you called me a baby panda. He's Sender Man. I'm giving Jafar. Jafar at Adel. Jafar at Adelie. Like if Jafar worked me. at a deli. That's me.

You know, I would have the Prince of Boo Boo. I do want to hear your argument on why you think Sabrina's AI music. Okay, because even when I was a kid, right, I was more of a punk rock kid. Okay. You mean, my roots stem from the Velvet Underground to the Stooges. And, you mean, I was real. No, no. Imagine.

Hey, Mo! Underground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These three guys, the Stooges, have you heard of them? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I, no, I liked Iggy Pop and the Stooges, you know what I mean? So it's punk rock bass, right? And when 80s pop came across, like Depeche Mo and the Smiths, right?

They were kind of poppy. The cure was kind of poppy, you know what I mean? And then when Madonna came out, it's, I mean, my punk rock, you know what I mean? I was resisting. I can't tell Bobby is 41 or 70. What do you mean? What do you mean? I can't, because you don't age and you look great, but you're talking like,

you back in mind, eh? Like when Madonna came out Like if you had musical taste by the time Madonna came out How old are you? Literally What is this? Are you five pretending you're punk rock And you get the roots?

Like what is happening? Okay I'm 54 You look really good Thank you God damn Are you really 54? Yeah I'm 54

I'm 55 almost Maybe you are gay Because we don't age either Yeah Maybe it's the gay Asian The Asian part of me Maybe Maybe

I'm gonna be 40 in two months Wow We can tell. Yeah, you look in your, like, you're in your your 20s. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so mad that you said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he's been trying to convince everybody that he's 24 years old for a solid three. He's 35. I would buy 24. Thank you, Bobby. Yeah, I would buy 40 for you. Let's go back to your taste. No, no, no, he's buying 40 because of the three hair transplants. Yeah, this is a lot of hair transplants.

You have hair transplant? Transplice? Yes, we talked about this. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't, I forgot. I don't even know it. To be fair, it was only two years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, back to Madonna and Sabrina Carpenter. To me... When Madonna came out.

Yeah, yeah, to me, you mean, when she sang Vogue and just like a prayer, right, catchier, hookier, iconic. And I had never heard of Sabrina Carpenter. And when I was listening to her music, I was trying to get into it. And there was nothing there for me. Really? I think it's just generation. I will say in Bobby's defense.

Okay, thank you. When Madonna came out, she really was doing things you would never heard of before. Like, she really was a trailblazer in that sense of that kind of pop that she was doing and she was doing songs and singing things alike felt new where Sabrina is incredibly talented, but it's not necessarily new. Right. Like she is huge. That's what I'm, that's one.

That's one. I think I have to remember too. Like Sabrina is pandering to a younger audience. And for them, that sound is new. You know, we have to remember each generation, like, to us, Brittany, Christina, Baxter, he's like, oh, my God, this is so new. Well, okay, in the 80s, they had their version of the same thing, the 70s vice versa. So it's kind of like a rehashing.

Sorry, what was 1958 like? You want to tell me what that was like? What was it like before phones were invented? Fucking Christ. Yeah. Okay. You look young too. How big is the text?

How big is the font on your phone? You look 32. I wonder how the font is. I know. Bobby, I want to know. I want to know how big the font is on your phone. Is it one letter you scroll?

This is for Nick. Can you point out Paul McCartney? How the fuck did you come up with this so quickly? Real quick. Okay. Number one. Exactly. But that was all of them.

That was easy. Number three I've never seen in my life. Okay, zoom in on number three, please. You guys are no number three? Zoom in on number three because I can't really see it. Is that from? Coldplay? Yeah, it's Chris Martin.

Okay. That doesn't not look like Chris Martin. And then number four is Sharon Osborne. I mean, Madonna and Leo DiCaprio. All these musical legends and the video? What is this list? Yeah. Wait, this is fun. I want to keep doing it.

Gene Simmons is too. How many lakes did you dry up to pull this up? I mean, this is ridiculous. Too many. Too many. I want to kind of know why they're getting arrested, though. That's my favorite. Like, what would they all be doing together to be getting

were they at IHOP? They're all in Oh, they're in IHOP. What? They're all in skinny jeans in 2012 26. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So can I make an argument about the musical thing about what you just said? I don't remember what I said. You did a 1958 thing that I was so old. I still think it was funny. Yeah, yeah, it's very funny. Yeah, yeah. And I laughed, you know, hysterically at that, you know what I mean? And then I had to go back and go,

you look 32. I don't. I look my age. I look almost 40. But you do look 24. Thank you. Okay. And I believe you. I honestly do. You know what I mean? Thank you. Yeah. Your length, though, is obscure.

Sure. And unusual. But he's so, he has a cataracts. It's hard to make. And that's fair. I don't disagree on all of those points. But the 24.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Maybe get into the sun. No. No, no, no. No. I have a video we need to see of Nick on the beach.

I have a three-foot sun hat that I wear. I don't, okay. It's the size of this table. Let me see. It's the size of this table. I could just, I probably have to scroll through my Instagram to get it. We can show it. I don't.

So much don't go in the sun. The Uber dropped us off at the wrong house. And I walked in and crawled under the awning of one of your neighbor's homes. Oh, wow. We're a Japanese person. Because I wouldn't sleep in the sun. But also we're on the beach. And I was like, Nick, that is a ridiculous.

I don't want the sun to get on my skin. And I said, okay, but what about the rest of the beach? We also want sun. Like, it's much. Now. I don't. Yeah. Why?

Why? Well, that's A, how you age. That's what they say. Yeah, there's Nick. It's subtle. There I am. Yeah, yeah, there you are. Yeah, like a normal person.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow, okay. So, what, what beach is that? Is that Malibu? This is in Puerto Maya. DJ Mitch Farino. We went to Mexico a year ago for New Year's.

Yeah, yeah. Before the cartel. But Nick was walking around with that sun hat. My butt looks great. Nick was walking around with that sun hat. Yeah. Someone messaged him on Grindr and said, I just want you to know,

you are the topic of the beach right now. And also, there's another video he can't walk in the water. Well, to be fair, also, the sun is hotter on the West Coast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's true. Yeah.

That doesn't make any sense. Well, the waves are stronger in the Pacific. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Why would I know? I'm saying, agree with that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not how you wouldn't, I thought it was historical. You remember like Pearl Harbor or something. Well, you do. It was a sneak attack and I apologize. They were sleeping. But anyway, my musical point was this. Wait, sorry, but how's your vitamin D?

Oh my gosh. Oh, well, how would I check that? You just, doctor. I'm really curious. Because I do think you do look young. I take a multivitamin every day. Okay. Does I have my vitamin D in it?

Let me tell you something right now. Inside, it's gray. Oh, yeah, I'm rotting. Why don't you ask him what his daily, No, you know I've been healthier this year. What is his daily routine of eating? Okay, let's start with breakfast. I get Dunkin' Donuts every morning.

Oh my God. Okay. Every morning. What? What? Dutte. No, not a donut. I get an iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts every morning. What kind of ice coffee? Yeah. A large iced coffee. Four pumps of unsweetened tazelnut, four pumps of cream, two sugar. Okay. Every morning. You don't get cold foam, the sweet cold foam that they use? Okay. And then doesn't eat to the fall. And if I'm in L.A., I'll have it delivered. No food, no protein, nothing. And then at 12 o'clock.

clock every single day what do you have? Chipotle. What are you getting? Wow. A bowl? Extra white rice. Never been in there. No, be.

What? Never been in Chipotle. Are you doing a bit right now? No, I'm not doing a bit. It's like a subway. I've never been in it. You've never been to subway? No, no, no, no.

I refuse. It's against my moral, ethnic rights. Yeah, but Chipotle. Ethical? I was not going to say ethic, but then it came out ethnic. And it committed to it.

So I'm going to commit to it. My ethical rights. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never been to a subway. I've never been to a, what's it called? Chipotle. Chipotle.

And I've never been. Okay. No, what did you just say? Chipokle. Chipokle. Chipokle. I never been to a Panera bread. What? That's crazy.

Yeah, yeah. These are all lies. So you don't go to chain restaurants. Have you ever seen me in a Panera bread? I've seen you in many Chipotle. So already. No, you never seen. Are you fucking gagging?

Are you fucking, are you fucking, Clock him. Are you crazy? You're gaslighting me. I am absolutely not. You have dementia. I'm on her side. You have fucking dementia if you think you have a good control rate.

What do they serve there? Interpolet. That's how I. What do you mean? What do they serve there? Have you existed for so long? And you've never even heard of a Chapo. I've heard of maestros.

I've heard of Boa Steakhouse. Sorry, I have to. I don't know either of those points. Exactly. Wait, wait. Pause, pause. What's wrong? Can we take a pause?

I have to weird story, but I have to, receive a dog I'm fostering right outside. I think she's a mix, but let's find out. But continue talking, I'll be right back. Okay. Well, after you accuse me of being at Chipotle, by the way, it's not an accusatory thing. This is a fact.

You're fucking lying. There's so many pictures of you just like fucking gargling Chipotle. I'll pull it up. From early in our relationship, that's all you ate. That's all you ate. Clock it. Crazy person you are. I know, but as a, let me just say that, I think you're right.

All right, but let me Secondly, I want to say this, right? As my co-host, right, you're supposed to defend me in the, in the improv. Not about Chipotle. It's called improv. Under no circumstance. I don't ever defend him.

Were we trying to zip, zab, zab. I was zip, zaps, zab, oba. Yeah, yeah, sand. And you weren't yes-anding. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to. Yeah, I've been to Chipotle.

I apologize. I lie. I'm a liar. You know, yeah. I love you, Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To cause, you know what I mean? Rift.

Yeah, right? And to cause chaos, I sometimes love. And I appreciate that, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keeps me on my toes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I apologize for that. No need to apologize, actually.

And I've been to Subway. Well, that you should apologize for. Yeah, yeah. I was like, how is a working comic have you not been to Subway? I need to every national restaurant in my life. So what's your favorite one? I like Wendy's a lot. Really?

Yeah. If I'm going for a burger. Yeah, it's a national one. It's fast food. Go ahead. Although I love Shake Shack. Oh, Shik Shaf's great. It's so good.

It's always satisfying. Yeah, and they open later, so on the road, you can usually get it. Yeah, and they're a little, like, they always give you a bit of attitude to remind you you've made a mistake somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Taco Bell just always slaps, though, I feel like. It slaps. Taco Bell, you can't go wrong. I actually don't like Taco Bell.

Yeah, yeah. I know. I don't like Taco Bell. But you don't do Del Taco? No. I don't live here. Thank you so much for even saying that. No, I don't know.

a West Coast thing. Is it a West Coast? Yeah. It's a West Coast. It's like a knockoff Taco Bell. The people, and I see lines next to a Taco Bell and I go, and the Taco Bell has no line. And I'm going, what is the fuck is going on here? No. Yeah. Prison.

So I apologize for lying. But I still didn't forget. We still haven't gotten to your musical point. I'm still going to get to that point because my mind registers and computes. Sure. And I have a good memory. Okay. So my 19, so you're argument was, you know, I don't even remember.

I'm going to tell you what it is. You're saying it's a generational thing. Well, I didn't say it like that. Yeah, but that's how I hear it. Okay. I mean, it's snotty. He did say it like. And Coachella like. With your fag sense. Even though you went to Coachella and Private Jet.

I didn't go to Private Jet. I drove there. Oh. Yeah. That humanizes you a bit more. Yeah, yeah. And I parked. Where'd you park? Close. Did you walk or golf carts? Golf card. That's cool. To the entrance.

Are you going to invite me next year? Yeah, you could totally come. You would go to Coachella. If I'm going with Bobby, that'd be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd get an artist pass, the whole thing. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would totally take you. Okay. Who did you think was better, Sabrina or Justin? I didn't watch Justin. It was too late. Oh, I thought you would laugh. So what happened was the strokes played. Gotcha.

Yeah. And my argument, I have two arguments, okay? One of the arguments is because you're saying that you're defending Sabrina, and saying that she is a great singer, great performer, et cetera, et cetera, right? And I agree with those points. Okay. Okay. But the lead singer of the Strokes did more my thing, which he did anti-performance.

And I thought that that was cool. But what's so confused? What are you doing? I'm just listening to mine. What about your fucking? What about that is cool, though? Because people come to see someone perform. They spent $78,000 to go.

That's a lot of money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you are there to see this person perform and they go, are we done? Yeah, I love that. You wouldn't be disappointed by that? No, because it's like, I wanted to leave. Oh, you wanted to be anti-cical. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His sentiment on stage is exactly how I felt like. It was mirroring your friend. Yeah, like, I think that's a part of him. Yeah, yeah. But he wasn't done. Do you think he's so jaded, though, like at some point when he's on stage and he's turning his back and, like, It's the sort of attitude of like, let's get this over with.

Do you think he believes it or it's an affectation to be like, I'm still this person. I'm still punk rock. I'm still cool. I'm still, you know. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that in itself a kind of drag?

Like, what's genuine? Because I don't like genuine performance where it's like, um, you can see them. Right. So at one point, Sabrina Carpenter, just like tears coming out of her eyes. You mean? Just tears, right? See, I would eat that. Right. I would eat that up. And it's like there's things going on and she's 100% performing. Right. And I'm like, fuck off. I would eat that up. You wouldn't be there.

I wouldn't be there. You're right. And I'd watch it on YouTube and I eat that up. You can't eat it up via YouTube. You have to be there. That's talent though. It is talent. And I didn't say that. I go, I sit to my, I'm saying to you, I mean, is that she has the performance. performance skills, the charisma, the beauty, right? She has it all. Sure. And I get why there's a sea of kids singing, right? But just for me, it didn't hit. You've seen it before.

Yeah, it's just taste is what you're saying. No, I'm just saying I'm a man of historical. Well, it's like what I said earlier. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. I'm sorry. I'm going to, what's going on?

Oh my God. So cute. So cute. He, she? She looks so soft. Nick, do you like dogs? You're staring at it. I don't like it.

Yeah, the way you were looking at it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Nick's face was insane. That was insane. Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. Mateo. Yeah.

Forget the music. Oh, you're right. This is more urgent. This is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck? He doesn't like dogs. It's insane.

He doesn't like animals in general. No. Yeah. This says a lot. Yeah. It's a no wonder. why I'm single. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wear a pole pot Cambodian hat on

a beach. Like you're an emperor. And I am. Yeah, like, I don't want the sun, you're right? Right, please protect me. And you don't like animals. Right. Right, right. What is it about animals you don't like? They're unpredictable. They, good point. That is a good point.

They, let me get it. I got it. I got it. Write this down. I got to write this down. They're unpredictable. Oh, I want to pet her. All right. So, let's see. Little sunflowers.

I know. They're unpredictable. Unpredictable. Yes. They're dirty. Dirty. Okay. They are vicious or, like, can hurt you.

What about the companions? Yeah. Yeah. We're not talking about a black panther in the Amazon. I mean, but dogs can still attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not talking about... And they don't speak,

so you don't know when they're going to attack, and I don't like that on the middle. So when you look at that dog right now, do you think it's in attack mode? It could, though. Anything, well, then in your logic, anything can happen. And that's how I go through life. All right.

So a piano can fall in your head. Yes. I see. You live your life, hence the hat. But that hat doesn't protect you from a piano. But anyway... Anyways, she's up for adoption. Her name is Bella.

Well, I'll tell you who's. Oh, what? Twilight. Yeah. Yeah. Edward, if you're watching. Okay. So, you didn't grow up with animals.

No. Okay. I think that's the problem. That's not true. His parents just got a dog and he was like, his mom was like, Nick is he? No, what? Nick is really doesn't like the dog. I've never met someone like you.

Yeah, Nick is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You may be Slender Man. You have Slender Man. ever seen me and them in the same room? No. Okay, that's very good. But what about, what are you like with your mom's dog? What infuriates you about that dog?

Yeah. Wait, did your mom love her dog more than, like, because usually when I, I find if I dig deeper, there's usually a parent who is obsessed with her animals, and the kid feels like their second or third place. No, I'm absolutely first place in my mom's life. Okay, okay. That's not the issue.

No, we had a dog when I was younger, but my mom is allergic to dogs and cats, So the dog ended up having to live sort of outside in our yard or in our like screen room porch area. Yeah. She was allergic. So then we eventually had to get rid of the dog because she was allergic. And you never had animals.

And you never bonded with that animal? Not really, no. And then I had a turtle, but I didn't take care of it. My dad took care of it. What kind of turtle? Yeah, like a big one or a small ready slider, like a tank. It was just small in a tank. Okay, okay.

Not like a big tortoise. No. I didn't touch it or take care of it. My dad did. And then we, like, put it in a creep. You're just so funny to me. So anyways, I'm not, like, fuck that turtle. Literally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It smelled my dad. The cutest thing imaginable. Then we just, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we threw it in a creep one day. He grew up in a town of like 50 people. Oh, I see. 700.

700 people, right. But, like, who do you love? My friends. Okay. You do. I, you know that I love my friends and I love my family. Okay. You do love your parents.

We call his. mom to see if me and Bob the drag queen were hanging off a cliff and, oh no, I'm sorry. If you and me. Me and Nick were hanging off a cliff and his mom had to pick someone to save so she could survive. She picked me. Why? In her defense,

the question was posed. You have to save someone to help you survive and find safety. We have the video. She said, well, obviously I'm going to choose Mateo. If you wait, Bobby's Watch is if you go to my Instagram, it's like the, it's a recent reel, but I just, you need to hear what his mom said. Okay. Go home when you're listening.

Yeah. Let's listen to it now. If you go to my reels, it's pretty recent. Mountain somewhere. You, me and Bob, all of a sudden you turn around and Bob and I slipped and we're both hanging on to that cliff. I pick Bob up. Bob will be so much more helpful to get us out of that situation. What?

In almost every single way. Gut answer, who are you saving? Me or Mateo? First of all, if I grab you, I would have to do all the lifting that you'd be indicative of what would happen once you get back on the cliff. Mateo would actually help me do things around it. I'm going to pull and take out. I'm going to grab him to hang up that phone right now.

That's crazy. Wait. You're on the podcast. Who are you saving that you think can do that? That can help you find safety and survive and be rescued. Oh, your tail, hands down. So fast. No process of thinking.

Yeah, yeah. Not understanding the situation. Now just wait, because we call his mom. Your son is hanging from a cliff. And he can help me save you. I've died at that time. You've watched your baby boy plummet to death. You don't have any arm strength, so you want.

Okay, good. Great. It's great. It's great. Call your mother. Fine. An Italian mom's going to pick her son. Call your mother.

Sorry, Nick, you're falling to the bottom of the... You think your son would be able to find safety and rescue you on a stranded cliff over me. Of course, I'm saving my son. Okay, don't say, of course. My mother chose my mother. That's it. Okay. All right.

So, I don't know you that well, Nick. Okay, I do want to get to the bottom of this because you even though you have a certain level of self-belief about your own survival skills But you need to I need you to pry him on he has none So I thought we had we were talking about that's so I could survive No, no we were talking to Otzko and he literally said yeah well if we're gonna be stuck in a forest We have to we have to kill chickens and I said and I go you think I though you think there's Chick at me right of my face and he goes Well, I see free range chicken at the grocery store.

I said, you think that free range chicken means a bunch of hunters wake up at 4 a.m. Yeah. Get there and go look for 30,000 chickens in a forest for the fucking grocery store. Now, have you know, there was someone that responded. Yeah. With a bunch of chickens in a forest. Yeah. That were.

And they have them in Hawaii in. Yeah. In Oklahoma City. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So here's a deal, dude. Okay.

But you need to ask by a survivor. I'm going to give you a scenario. All right. Yeah. Actually, give us both scenario. We'll pitch who you want to. No, no, no, no. I'm going to tell you just you specifically.

Okay, all right. Because I already think he knows. You think this one's going to rough it? He knows more. Okay. All right. And I apologize. You know what I mean?

No need to apologize. But even watching the scenario, right, it's so clear to me. You know? What's clear to you? That he would navigate better. Navigate what better? Anything. Survival.

tactics. Do you feel the same? Regime. That's why I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. Colila? Colila? Don't lie. Okay, okay. Let's just, I'm trying to give Nick a chance to tell me what exactly, if we were to survive. We're cast away on a bill. It's a zombie apocalypse. Oh, we've done this.

Let me get me started. I don't want even zombie apocalypse. I want basic, basic. Okay. I was going to ask. But real quick, I said in a zombie apocalypse, what would you do? Well, I probably go to the airport to get out. I said, no, there was a zombie apocalypse.

He goes, well, the airplanes are still working. I said, what do you not understand that zombie? He thought it meant just one zombie. It's not that I thought one zombie, but it's not like all sudden, all nine billion people are zombie. It's slowly trickles. No, it doesn't slow. No, I haven't seen it. And you know it.

Okay. You've never seen any zombie movie. He's scared of those. Oh, you're scared very easily. Okay. So here's my first. You're not surprised. Already.

Already not a great start. Already not a good start. All right. So here's the situation. Okay. Mateo and you, right, you guys are stranded, right? And you see a river, right? Okay.

And you're very thirsty. What? In a forest? Okay. Yeah, you're like in the Amazon. It's a warm, humid place. Yeah. And there's a body of water next to you.

Yeah. How do you clean the water? Not even that. Yeah. How do you drink the water? Where are you, what, where are you drinking your water from? Okay. So this I know, you have to boil the water

to clean it. You don't have, you don't have the, you don't have it. Fire in a pot, Nick. You can't make fire out of fucking sticks? We're in a forest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some sticks. You don't know how to make a fire. You don't know how to make a fire, Nick. It's rainforest. I could make a pot, Nick. Nick, it's a rainforest so everything is wet. There's no dry sticks to be able to do this together.

There are dry areas in rainforest. Where? Yeah, where. Rain forest. The sun just doesn't come out. No, because of the fucking. It's a canopy. They have their own weather.

It's a what? A canopy. A canopy. Of just foliage. Nick, there's no sun. Nick, reinforce have their own weather systems because it's so true. They're like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In fact, Nick, check this out. In the Amazon, right, there's the ground level animals, mid-level animals, and then the animals that live on top. They're completely different civilizations. I'd be on top. Oh, do we? I get it. But my point is, is this.

I'm a bottom, but my point is this, okay? Is it that how do you get the water? If you have no pot, you don't have fire. You don't have a pot. How do you drink? Will you drink it straight from the water source, or what do you do? You don't have fire. You don't have fire.

Can't boil. Do you know what you would do? I would probably try and collect like either moisture or like the rain. I was to say, don't you like spick it from the tree? Are we in Canada getting maple syrup? Yeah. I've seen that on naked and a crate. It's not cactus.

Oh, yo, you're. You've seen someone spick it. Something or like a leaf or something. Yeah, he knows. Okay, all right. So you're getting little... I'm nailing, miss. You're nailing, miss.

I mean, yeah, that is good. If it's a moving river... There's a video of a river. He can't walk in water. If the body of water is still, you never want to collect from there. Right, right, right. So what do you do? I know what to do in that situation.

What? What you do? is you see the body of water, right? The still body of water. Yeah. No, because we talked about it. Oh, my. Yeah, Nick.

A still body of water. No, I want you to enlighten me on whatever you're about to say. Teach me, Bobby. Yeah, yeah. It's your... Teach me your survival. Your energy, dude, right? Is very Friday night, I hop.

Did you just say... Did you just say, I hop? Yeah. Did you just say, dude? Yeah. To this? I know. It's ma'am.

Oh, is that, ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am. All right. So stagnant water. What you do is you build, you dig another hole next to this body of water. Okay. And the water will eventually go through the soil and filter out a lot of the bad stuff. And then you drink out of that other hole.

You would. You're supposed to. Okay, how are you with insects? I would to survive. Insect. Insect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you with insects?

Surprisingly not. Nick, why are you lying? Why are you lying right now? No, no. Why are you doing? Who is this for? If I've seen a spider in an apartment or a cockroach, I kill it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I understand that, but we're in the Amazon guy. Okay. Yeah, yeah, there's an army of red ants that will eat your flesh. You're also all saying this as if you all will swimmingly survive the Amazon. Okay. All right, can I say this then to you, Nick? I will, okay. All right, you bastard.

Do it. Ma'am. Bitch. All right. I'm a bitch. Her and I, right? We were in Mexico. Okay.

We swam a river and in the river was a living crocodile probably 50 feet away staring at us, right, from a little rock ridge. Okay. Right? And what we did was we stood still and eventually maybe 20 minutes later the crocodile turned away and went the other direction. Well, for starters, it was an alligator and not as aggressive. Okay, whatever, what...

Crocodiles will come. Whatever. I was, I shit my pants. They both could bite. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever it was, I shit my pants. It was a resident alligator, and he was totally tame. Don't they say you're supposed to run in zigzags because they, or run straight because they can only move in zigzag or... You are correct, boom.

Are you being real? Right there. Oh, you, I thought you, that was... Read it, Bobby. I got you, Nick. Fucking read it. Put your glasses back on and read it. I got you, Nick.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're fast. Will you stop defending Nick? I got to help. Thank you. I'm actually more impressed than I thought. Don't.

Right, right. A little deeper. I'll tell you why. I understand, but could I just say that let me defend myself real quick, okay? All right, that's on land. Right? You're not zigzagging in the water.

No, no, no, yeah. Not in the water. Oh, yeah. So we were in the water. Your question was, did you get to the land? What I'm saying to you, Nick is, is that you question like,

Well, it's not as if, like, you guys would be in the Amazon, right, right, right. We, when we dated, we're adventurers. Okay. Yeah, Tomb Raider-ish. We're adventurous. Okay. Like, the wee part is very... I went to Tomb Raider temples in Cambodia.

That's the type of person you are. They were... And that's why your mother would rather have him be pulled up. Well, the true test really is who can tolerate... The reason I asked about insects. Who can tolerate a mosquito bite the best? Oh, I can't do that. So mosquitoes, for some reason, and I don't know why, and you know this, mosquitoes bite me a lot.

Okay, you're out there. You probably have a skeeter blood. I don't know what they call it. And you get like the big inflow. All the time. I had a mosquito bite my dick recently, remember? What? It was in New York, and it just turned hot.

You know how sometimes the turn of the weather a mosquito gets in your apartment or something? I don't know that. Okay, well, I'm telling you. Okay, all right. It seems unlikely. unlikely, but continue. Okay. Anyways, it got in and I woke up, and I had a mosquito bite on my dick, on my shoulder, and on my face.

They just bite me. I don't know why. So are you just free-balling it, walking around your apartment? Well, it was really hot, and I didn't have my AC in yet, and it was like 85 degrees in New York. They still went nowhere to protect your dick from the bite? Well, I didn't think it was going to bite my dick. Okay. Did it hurt?

I was asleep. I didn't know. I just woke up, and all of a sudden I was like, wait a minute. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And you told them that what did you say when that happened? I frankly don't remember this story.

He doesn't remember. Because he just made it up? Because he just made it up? No, Nick's not a liar. Of all things that's not like. But Nick doesn't have a way of seeing himself that's not real. Like, you think you can survive all these things? You think you can survive in the forest.

I don't think that I could survive. A pigeon flew biased one time. You're walking in New York, a city full of pigeons. A pigeon flew biased. Geez, Nick goes, Jesus, God damn Christ. Oh, my God. I understand that.

I understand. Again, I know I'm not surviving. I know I'm not surviving the Amazon. All I'm saying is I think I could survive better than you. Oh, I really. Neither of us would survive, but I would survive slightly longer. There's no way. I'm going to play the audio of Nick on a child's roller coaster.

Okay. And you guys can just, it was literally eight-year-olds waiting in line to go on with them. They were thrilled. They were adventurers. I love to hear it. And I will determine. I have my own opinion. I have ears, I will determine.

Also, in my defense, I have no iron. Let me listen. Ready? This is Nick on a roller coaster. Wait, no, this isn't the right one. Oh, is he the one in the... Turn it off. Are you in a gulag?

I was being choked in my defense. Yeah, yeah. In your defense... Look at Zimmer. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this one won't go. We actually have another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And turn that off, please. I got to audio. I can't. I can't do it. I got the audio, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would literally buy a million dollars. I spend a million dollars on a bat, right, that he would be able to survive in any circumstances more than you.

Nick, you don't know how to cook. You barely know how to make a smoothie. Yeah, yeah. You don't understand. You being able to cook Carbonara is not going to save you in the rainforest. All right, let me make something. Where are you fucking getting Gwanshali In the Nile River

Good point, Nick We're in Egypt now Let me just say You don't know how to cook Okay, I don't know how to flip a fucking frittata But I can spear a fish That is true What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah You spearmish You hold on a second We go for me cooking carbon You can spear a fish I could You're a moron You're a moron

You know what Bobby don't pair of him you don't know. Yeah, because you don't know how to build a spear. Can I just say, I could build a... First survival mode, right? We're in New York City and the city

shutting down, the pandemic, blah, blah. So I call Nick, I say, Nick, you know, they're going to close down Dunkin' Donuts. You have to make your own breakfast. What? I said, yes. And I said, so let's start. What do you have for breakfast? I'm wearing Dunkin' Donuts ice coffee. I said, okay, you can make your own ice coffee. He goes,

I am not Laura Ingalls Wilder. I'm not. It's 2020 at that time. Ultimately, he has zero surviving. Pretty much the 1700s. In any way that you thought you could spear a fish? Nick, we have a video of you not able to walk in waves. You can't.

The Pacific is more aggressive than the Atlantic. The stupidest thing is that thing I've ever heard. It's true. Google it. Oh, right here. Bobby, wait, watch. Watch. And watch.

Yeah, yeah. It gets worse and worse and worse. Hold on. It gets even worse. Bobby, you need to watch that. Look, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me look. That it's fine, let me look. Everybody else is standing up completely normally.

And then watch, when the water recedes, it's even worse. Okay, is that in slow-mo? It pulls. Oh, you've missed, you took out, you pulled. You took that hard out. All right, based on what I saw, you look like a Pixar character.

Thank you. No, that's not a good thing. All right, you don't look human there in that situation. You both look like you could be inside of the internet. Monstersing too Man, Am I the little guy? Yeah, no, no, you're the,

you're Mike Wasowski and I'm the, who's the villain? The perfect one. Oh, the salamander one. Yeah, very good record. You have no, I love you. You're great. You're a wonderful friend.

You're a smart business person. I'm not clip that. That is the first time I have ever heard. Because I do love you. Oh, wow. This is the first time he said. I love you. But I'm saying that you have absolutely.

In Bobby's garage, just the first time you're going to tell me you love me? Because I'm trying to emphasize a point here that you have no skills. You would not survive. You would die immediately. You are malnourished. You have no idea how to cook. You have no idea how to collect things. You don't understand nature.

You don't understand anything. You would not do well. You know what you would die? Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, look at me. You know those photos of Ukrainian soldiers coming back from the war? Yeah. That's your look now. And that's what I was going for.

All right. What are your skills? It doesn't matter because it doesn't even matter. I can answer it for him. Do it. He's way more muscular. That's going to slow him down. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. He can lift things. What are you lifting? Right. Well, Nick thinks he's walking through a Disney force, by the way. He thinks he's, La la la la la.

Birds. I do think that the ups and to being malnourished is that you are used to being malnourished. So therefore not eating for long periods of time and fasting. He would cease to exist. Yeah, but big muscles need a lot of calories to

sustain. I lived on a six floor walk up and every time Nick came up, I'm not making this up. No, in his Correlative coat, it was literally this. You're not wrong. In my defense. There's always a defense. There's always a defense.

I have been healthier this year. Oh, hey, everybody. Thank you. Yeah, everybody. I worked out for the first time in my life. What did that look like? I did Pilates. And I now have been going three to four times a week.

Oh, my God. Bathing suit from 1912 to its online of his Pilates class. And he kept saying, now people say I have birthing hips. Will this help me in the Pilates class? And the woman didn't have an answer for him. But that's progress. It is progress. And that's, you know, I quit smoking a month ago.

And that's progress. Yeah, yeah. So is that you doing? Oh, my God. There's a bit, no, no, no. The Pilates I'm in like a green one piece. There is a video of Nick on YouTube. There's a video of Nick trying to live.

Right there. What? Okay. Now, I thought that it would make me limber. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very flexible outfit. Like, oh, God, this is a lot. She was like, well, this is just the warm up.

Are you in the movie, Dune? What is we got out of here? Dude four This outfit, Nick. We're watching Dune 4, ladies and gentlemen. It was very comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's insane. Okay, good. Look at your legs. Wow. But for the first time in 24 years, that was the time I worked out. That's amazing. And I have to say this,

that you do look young. So something's working. Thank you. Yeah, but I think that Matteo has a point that in every single survival situation that you can ever imagine

you would be the last person. If we called all of our friends right now and your mother, everyone would say the same thing. You would not survive. You would not survive. If we called Bob, if we called Monet, if we called Taylor. But you also all say that because you all like...

Know you. No, no. No, that's not... We know you. Nick, Nick? Deep down, you all know. Nick, you are... I'm like Reba and I'm gonna survive.

Okay. You know, I just not because I'm playing devil's advocate, I see it. Thank you. I see it. I can't fucking believe in hypocrisy. You need to experience one flight of stairs with him. He sees something. And you know what it is, is that he has what you have, Bobby.

That's what I was about to say. The weasily nastiness of just the. Is that what you guys were thinking? I was thinking autism. I was thinking autism. I was thinking weasily nastiness. Usually it's kind of like the nat. Like it's like the cockroach syndrome.

Yeah, it's a cockroach syndrome. You can live without your head for 20 days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that really takes you far. Because if you watch any of these shows, right? Yeah, yeah. It's like the villains survive. I know, but forget the word villain, all right?

Okay, not that you're a villain, but I just like, you have the inner grip. He is. And also, you have to remember, it's not just the surviving. It's the complaining. He won't even make it with other people because they'll kill him because he's complaining so much. You know, you don't think they were. would kill you? No, I would do great.

Mateo, listen, I've known you for a while, right? I've never had a complaint. Yeah, in fact, when I see, I'm just being real and honest with you, okay? And whenever I see you, I go, I literally go, oh, this guy's a hard hitter. This guy's one of the best comics on planet Earth. He's a destroyer. He's an incredible comic. No, he's a destroyer, right?

And he's... Is that keeping him alive in the rainforest? Yeah, because what I'm saying is that to have that... You're on Lyle Lyle Crockettile Crockettile? What? Listen to me. What are your references?

Wish phone? Like what the hell are your guys? Which references? You're like, what's wrong with you? Not wish. What's Lail Lail Larker. I've never heard of it before.

Sean Mendes voiced it. Okay. Of our dad. Al Lyle crocodile. Okay. Great reference. It's a pure reverence. Wait, Nick, I've never even heard of this.

Your team likes me, at least. Nick, I've never heard of this. Why do you know a lie-o-l-l-l-crock and I'm not to your point. He's a hard hitter. It's a jungle out there. Your brain went here? What a cast, though. Javier Bardem, Constance, Wu, look at this cast.

It's a great cast. How did your brain go there so fast? It's a very good cast. Okay. Now, if, okay, should Bobby, for some reason, break a leg or open flesh wound, would you be able to carry him out of the death? Nick, why don't you show everybody one push-up? Good. Mr. Survival, one.

Forrest Gump. Remembering Forrest Gump? He ran back to it. Multiple times. Multiple times. Yeah. Right? Would you run back for me in a war?

Or Lieutenant Dan for... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no. Yeah, why? You don't... You leave the week. No, no, no, no. Hey, survival.

It's a survival instinct. Yeah, yeah, you leave the week, yeah. You're not getting to the purple heart. The second someone gets a flesh, and you're like, drop them. But that's naked. It's just... I watch a lot of naturedike menaries,

and in the wolf pack, they always say the weakest one trail is behind and eventually it dies off. Yeah. They don't stay behind it. I know, but Nick, I'm right here, and you're literally right. here and I'm like, hey, dude, can you pick me up?

And you would still run away. Would you be able to see if you can? Under, no, sir. Yeah. Can you try to pick me up now? I would be able to pick. I can't pick. I could probably barely pick, I would never.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you go underneath and just pick them up. Where's the best place? Right there, right there. Just like a hug? Right here. You just stand up. Well, I'm like, I'm wounded.

What's the best way to pick someone up? Wow, I see that your whole outfit. Yeah, just try to. Your arms around me, right? And trying to pick me out. Okay. Okay, okay. Wait.

You can go this way. But you have to make yourself. It looks like a praying mantis trying to eat it. No, you have to be here, Bobby. You have to make yourself. My leg is gone from a war. He cannot be stiff or use his core. He's injured.

He's going to be dead weight. Okay, so you're putting it all on me? Yes. That's the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. You can go under, too. My project. I'm fine.

Okay. You can do it. You can do it. This is how those blow jobs are. All A's. All A's. Come on, come on. Come on, Nick.

Come on. Hold on. I think this way. Yeah. I can't. What? Now, do that for seven miles. That was the Pilates.

Yeah, yeah. That was insane. That was insane. Are you okay? Yeah. Can I defend Nick a little bit, though? Yeah, go ahead. Oh, now you want to defend me.

He has no survival skills, but he is one of the smartest people. but I know. Okay, good. I really mean that. And he's an incredible business person. Like, we work together on a podcast. He is smart. He's amazing advice as a friend.

He is incredibly intelligent. He's a really good friend. He just absolutely under no circumstances has any skills outside of his own apartment. I see. That's it. Okay. But you are, Nick. And you're a really, really, really good friend.

You're loyal, and dependable. He loves you. You're smart. You're very funny. You're a wonderful asset to my life. But if we were in a forest together, I would want you dead so I can use your bones to float myself to freedom. Yeah, yeah.

You know what? I just don't understand what skills you think you're bringing. The thing is that even that I just look like I would do better, I'm already 10 steps ahead of you. He looks like he knows what he's doing. Okay. Okay, go ahead. Scenario, the three of us, we are stranded somewhere, okay?

No one within hundreds of miles from us. And we have to survive. Okay. Who are you killing first? Oh, good point. Oh, that's a good point. Very good. That's a very good point.

If we were going to go full like Lord of the five. Well, it's us three. Okay. All right. May I say something? And then I'll ask you. Because I don't have an, astonishly, I don't have an immediate answer for that.

I'd have to spend four days with you to see if your mind could help me in the situation. You couldn't figure this out in 45 minutes? I know. You need four more days of this? No, you just said he was bright. He's bright in the defense of us. Like, he would do well on like real housewives.

You understand what I'm saying? Right. But in terms of like, you know, how do we... He didn't know that weather. He didn't know that clouds were made of water. He didn't... He didn't. He didn't know.

Water, what? No, they're not. I said, yes, they are. There's millions of... What? Yeah, yeah. Water. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So I would have to spend a couple of days, like, because we're going to build a fort. You know what I mean? We're not in third grade building a fort on a Saturday. We're building a home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A shelter. Gut reaction.

Who are you killing first? Got you. Hmm. If I'm going just on looks alone and I know nothing else, I'd have to go for what's going to hold me over for months in terms of the amount of meat. And I'm going to go for the thickest person in the room. He's also seven feet taller than me. And you still have more meat on your bones. No, no, no.

Honestly, Kalala, your argument, because I know you're trying to defend him. Yeah. Right? Her argument is solid. No, no, it's not solid. You could eat him for a year. No, I think you have a lot of leg meat. Actually, he does. You have big calf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you do. That's the best meat. That's the best meat. I have no me anywhere. And also, day one, you wouldn't be thinking about food. No, I wouldn't be. I will say I do a gigantic ass and that you probably could.

That's where I was going with. After I saw the Mexico vlog, I was like, oh, he's got some. You got a lot of assmate. Yeah, you got a lot of ass meat. And that is as a survivor, the first thing we look at. It looks like a delicious as well. It looks very, yeah. Lurries.

If you go to the steakhouse, yeah, yeah, yeah. It could last this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your ass would last a long time. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But I think instinctually I can even answer for you, you would kill Nick first.

I'll tell you why I wouldn't. You would. After two days of complaining. Jesus, what the hell? Where the hell's the four seasons? Is that another mosquito? What the fuck was that? Does anyone know where we're going?

Jesus. God damn Christ. Aren't their helicopters out here? And where's our UFO? I don't understand why this is going on. Is that a noise? Complaining? Yeah, yeah.

Nick, I... You're just cool. calm and collected, more than you. Yeah. And now if I had an option of 10 people, you two would not be the chosen one. I understand. I agree with that. You understand that, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if it was everyone in this room, I had to pick two, you guys are out. Who would you pick two? Two? Alex. Meat. No, not to eat. To carry logs. Yeah, he's got to carry logs. You got to figure out of the chopped

out that tree. You know, I'll figure it out, man. You're a yes man, right? And probably you. Thank you. Because I think you're the smartest one. I can spear a fish. She can spear a fish.

She's a very good. We bone you can, you know, she's an actual deep diver. Why don't you take us through the steps of spearing a fish? Go ahead. You get a thick enough stick and you whittle the end till it's a sharp point. I like that you know that it's whittle. But how do you whittle, Nick? With friction.

With your hands? No. hands is going to make it a spear. Something that's going to cause friction to whittle it. Tell us. I don't know. Other wood, something that's rough that can do it. Like a rock?

Maybe a rock. You've got your heavy stick with your whittled end. I go to the river and I look for bubbles where the fish will be. And I go to find the bubbles. Oh, you throw it. Well, yeah, you can't see in a river. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can.

And also, you can also be in the river. You can go knee deep into the river with the spear. You can go knee deep. I'm not going knee deep in a river. Why? Well, knee deep for both of you is a very different. I just want to point that out. Really?

I just want to say, Nick, I really tried for you. And I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate it. And Nick, I would have you on this podcast solo. Thank you. I think you're very interesting. And we could just make fun of each other.

I would love for you to replace my podcast. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. And if you guys ever have, if I'm in New York, because I'm doing... We would love to have you guys on if you're in New York. Well, I'm doing a special for Hulu. That's what... And it's coming out, you know what I mean, about five or six months.

Nice. And I'm... Have you filmed it yet? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna... Well, I assumed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. I do think that someone from Survivor should cast you. Oh, he'd be... Well, we want to do amazing race because we would lose the first episode. Yes. Oh, my God. We do. No.

We really want to do amazing race. We do. Just to lose. Do you imagine us trying to navigate some country? You can't even drive. Production would plot so that you stay there until the very end. Yeah, as a producer, I would go, yeah, cut it. Make them win.

We'd be screaming at each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would get on amazing race. Naked and afraid? Naked and afraid. Well, you'd be good entertainment. How many days can I last think of an array? Naked and afraid.

How about you, Mateo? I don't even know what the concept is. You're, okay, so you're with a partner. you're completely naked, right? You only have a pot, and the other person has a machete. You're allowed to choose your item. And then you go out into the middle of...

For 21 days. For 21 days, and you have to hunt for your own food, you have to make your own shelter. You could never... Yeah, yeah, so how many days you could you last? No, I'm not saying I could either, but... Both last zero. It would be nice pictures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good photo op. Yeah, I think I could last two days. Yeah. I think two days. Two days. Yeah, yeah. If it was even a little bit cold, I'd be out in the first day. Well, I love all the white women who go on Survivor. It's now 50 seasons and they just still can't grasp what the show is.

And the first rainstorm they sit there. I just didn't think it was going to be bizarre. Yeah. But in this show, most of the, I think most of the ones that survive are women. I see a lot of dudes quitting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the women's out. I'm staying 21 days.

Well, because the man always. do something stupid. They do too much in the first they want. They want. They burn out. They burn out. The girls, they chill out. Women are generally...

They'll eat a seed. I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's you. That's right. I think you'd be my partner and Nick, Nick, they're about to spear right now. Yeah, yeah.

They're about to spear right now. You have to do this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is no way you, Nick. You know who I'd love to see you with is my partner. He's a hunter.

and a spear fisherman and a butcher. God, I'd love to see. I actually would love it too if we can set that up because it would be endlessly. Anyway, check out our podcast. Check out our podcast. It's a lot of just this. And I love this.

I could do this every week with you. You guys are so much. I'm so happy that we got to do this. I laugh so hard with you guys. This was honestly so funny. Yeah, so fun. So give them a lot of applause, everybody. Thanks, guys.

Thank you so much. Bumbula, you Macabolulu