TigerBelly - Nick Swardson & Rain Mang

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

Comedian and actor Nick Swardson joins us in the studio for the 1st time. Put your money where your mouth is and sign up using my link www.kalshi.com/tigerbelly and the first 500 traders who deposit $...100 will get a free $20 credit! That’s www.kalshi.com/tigerbelly

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 ["I Rode Your Ride"] I Rode Your Ride! I roll your eye! How many sponsors have you out sponsored Bert? No no. I'm sponsored by everybody. You like him? Yeah, he's the front of my head. I love making people. You like to use these cans or no? Yeah, I can can it.
Starting point is 00:00:52 Oh, that's better. Yeah, that's hot. You have nice lips right now. Thanks, man. What have you been doing though? You put some balm on it? You bombed it out or what? Yeah, I bombed it up. Yeah. Yeah. I went to bomb Springs Yeah, bomb. Yeah, it's funny about your lips man. Are we rolling? Yeah, I have another observation real quick about your lips
Starting point is 00:01:15 Okay, can you chew? I mean cuz it usually can you chew I don't chew with lips Our teeth growing out of my lips? What the f*** is going on? Am I Beetlejuice? No, what I'm asking is that they're two different, they're not, they're like the same color I'm on. Are you on f***ing acid? No, no, no, I'm just, I'm sorry. We don't have to air that part. It's an observation. We just got cancelled now now from the lip community. The lip people, the f***ing lip people are psycho right now. We're playing with fire right now. If I rub my lips together
Starting point is 00:01:56 we're dead. Beautiful eyes too. Thank you Bobby. Why don't you just eat me out? What the f*** is going on right now? Well I haven't seen you in this kind of, why don't you just eat me out? What's going on right now? What the f*** is going on? Well I haven't seen you in this kind of lighting I don't think before. Yeah, I know I don't travel with a podcast studio. I don't have a podcast wheelchair with just lights around me. Hey Bobby! Bobby, we've known each other what, 20 plus years right? Yeah, 20 plus years friend.
Starting point is 00:02:22 Good lord. I have memories with you. We do have many memories. And I'm gonna tell you a memory that you don't even know about. Okay. It was the most, I don't wanna get emotional, but I really remember this. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:02:35 20 plus years ago, I was on the third street promenade and I had bombed, you know that fucking theater over there? Yeah. Yeah. You've been there? Yeah, a long time. Yeah, it's tough. And I was just walking, I was so depressed. And I had just come out and Harold and Kumar, the first one, and no one ever called me. He calls me and he goes, you killed it. You gave me the biggest compliment. And I remember being, I just skipped along the third street prom and I was like, oh that's great.
Starting point is 00:03:04 It was really gentle. Well no, I always like to support comics. I think it's, you know, I try to watch comedy movies just for my friends around them. The only thing that I fucking am mad about, I never get like jealous of people's credits. And this one, I swear to God, I've done this almost 30 years. This is the only time where I legitimately got like I was like what the fuck and I called Santino when I found out you guys were on Family Feud Cuz I I love Family Feud so much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I saw fucking Santino or Carrot Top with cancers That's what I Cancer cancer top. That's what I feel. Cancer top.
Starting point is 00:03:45 Cancer top, yeah. So I saw some family fusing wherever we were, or in his studio. And I was like, are you f***ing kidding me? He's like, got me and Bobby went on it. And I go, with who? Who else did he f***ing bring, man? You didn't call me?
Starting point is 00:04:00 Well, first of all, you would have been on my team? Yeah, 100%. Dude, if I would have got rid of Esther, right? And slotted you in, we would have won the whole thing. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, next time they ask me, you're going to be on my family. I cannot see her pushing a buzzer in time.
Starting point is 00:04:15 She didn't, not one time. Did they even hear her answer? No, her little hands doesn't even, it doesn't register. Yeah, she's just like, show me spatula. They're like, what? What are you stealing? That was my team.
Starting point is 00:04:27 Good Lord. So Gene Hong, one of my best friends at the end there. And then Esther, I love Esther though. It was a cute. Yeah, Esther's cool. She was there for aesthetics. It tests well, it's cute. Right, okay.
Starting point is 00:04:41 It's a cute team. You didn't just cover all the bases for that? What do you mean? You got diversified? Yeah. Right, okay. It's a cute team. You didn't just cover all the bases for that? What do you mean? You got diversified? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I would have a black guy. You're Asian, you're lesbian. Yeah. You're everything.
Starting point is 00:04:51 I don't know no one black guy. I mean, Ian Edwards could have done it. Ian's great. He's great. But we lost to Flavor Flav. Is that true? Yeah, that's my legacy. Oh my God. He answered a question no his family
Starting point is 00:05:10 members answered them okay yeah yeah it was funny because um every answer was crack so this crack yeah but so Andrew and I are sitting there and so Steve Harvey goes to him first, and he's introducing him, he does like a 30 minute intro, like me and my man right here, 1988, you know what I mean? We were in Baltimore, just all these stories. It was like 30 minutes long, and I whisper to Andrew, I go, oh, I don't know, I don't know,
Starting point is 00:05:44 he's not gonna say shit, right? He comes in every day, I whisper to Andrew, I go, I don't know, I don't know, he's not gonna say shit. Right? He comes in over there, I swear to God, he goes, something happened to you over a summer. I go, what do you mean? He's like, I can't tell the audience. Oh my God. I couldn't fucking believe it. That's amazing.
Starting point is 00:05:58 But the people at home must have had no fucking idea. They had no idea. So housewives in Cleveland were like, oh my God, this is dark. Or it wasn't, he didn't say it in a negative way, you know what I mean? He just said, you all have to check it out. It was this viral moment. I was with Shob and Allen. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, yeah, and then he was referring to that fucking video. That was my intro. That's amazing. Yeah, and then we lost
Starting point is 00:06:27 because of that Or I there was I think there was favoritism too. Here's another thing. I learned from you, okay You know you don't like this. I do I love it. Yeah, well, let's introduce him first. Oh, yeah What do you mean? Yeah, yeah, I'm screach from say by the way What do you mean? Yeah. Yeah? I'm Screech from Say By The Moon. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:47 Did you know him? No. Did you? I never ran into him. You would hear stories about him. I know. Yeah, I mean? I just, I can't, didn't he stab somebody?
Starting point is 00:06:55 Yeah, yeah. He sniffed meth off of a black guy's penis or whatever and you're like, oh. God. What? Screech. Yeah. God. So anyway, let's introduce him. Can I introduce him?
Starting point is 00:07:07 Yeah. Yeah, can I? Yeah, of course. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Tiger Belly, we have the one and only Nick. No, stop, stop. Stop for a second. Okay.
Starting point is 00:07:19 When you introduce somebody, credits. Okay. All right. And usually three. Three? Okay. And action and action hey guys we have big swords in from grandma's boy you come dick Sorson no Nick okay okay it still works you know he's everywhere in comedy grandma's boy one of my favorite movies. Goose-in! That's my boy. Growing up's two.
Starting point is 00:07:47 Just go with it. Just go with it, yes. Yeah, that was good. Yeah. That was great, man. And then you say the name? I said Nick Swords-in. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:55 I don't know if I can say it right. Yeah, well, how do you say his last name? Nick Swords-in? Yep, yeah, Swords-in. Swords-in. Yeah, it's not hyphenated. And let's give him a round of applause. Then you put your two-pointed. Thank you, man. I like that. Yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah swords in swords in yeah, yeah, yeah hyphenated and let's give him a round of applause then you put you
Starting point is 00:08:08 Yeah, I mean not the best okay, what's yours what I want to see your intro no, no, thank you You got a top top it then I look like a Can't even do it you already did just that that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was good, right? Yeah. That's awesome! Yeah, that's what I did right after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I can't... If I lose the hymen, I kill myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:32 That's tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's tough. So, very good. I'm not gonna try to up you, okay? Here's another thing I learned from you. Okay. Okay. Fuck off.
Starting point is 00:08:42 Thanks, Bobby. I love you. I love you too. So, um... Can I sump something before? You wanna sump-sump something? Fuck off. Thanks Bobby. I love you. I love you too. So um. Can I shum shum something before? You want to shum shum something? What the fuck is going on? A lot of fans are here.
Starting point is 00:08:49 You guys had this down. I just want to say you smell really good. Thank you. For those of you who can't smell me, it's amazing. What is it? It's um. May I take a sniff? It's um, Brian Callan's urine.
Starting point is 00:08:57 Oh, that's right. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. What is it? May I take a sniff?
Starting point is 00:09:06 It's Brian Callan's urine. Oh, that's very good. Wolves go crazy over it. It's aged. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's aged pee. Old blown aged. Aged or aged?
Starting point is 00:09:16 Both. Yeah, yeah. It's aged age. That's what Brian Callan has. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you ever want to get, go to the Firelurk Kid website and get that aged pee. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:27 Yeah. Oh yeah, so the cough. The cough. What's so funny? Me being incredible, or what did I do? I know, you didn't, I don't know, man. I'm just gonna tell you, you know. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:40 You were right, so you gave me a note at that outside event we did. Oh, I remember that. You remember that? Uh-huh me a note at that outside event we did. I remember that. You remember that? Uh-huh. So we did this outside event. It was called, and I did two more after that. You did two more of the-
Starting point is 00:09:53 The next year. It was a festival in Edmonton. It was a comedy festival. I recently did the Vancouver one and I also did the Winnipeg one. Was it a Just For Laughs? No, it's like its own thing. Oh, like Great Outdoors? Great Out's own thing. Oh, like great outdoors?
Starting point is 00:10:05 Great outdoors, yeah. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. But the first time I did it was with Nick and Pauly Shore. And Pauly went out first. And seven minutes in, I see Pauly doing his act from 1989. Right. He starts, and he starts going fast. And I was looking at the audience, and they were like,
Starting point is 00:10:23 they were having a good time, but they were in a trance. Right. It's also, mind you, it's what, 10,000 people? It was a shitload of people. But also it was in like a field. Yeah, it's a field. It was outdoors, it was great outdoors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:37 They really mean out great outdoors. It was in a force field where they were like, no laughs, come in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No laughs. And they're all in picnic tables and lawn chairs. Yeah was bizarre yeah and they're also like you know eating things you know I mean their things happen yeah they're Canadian they're just eating everything yeah yeah poutine okay anyway
Starting point is 00:10:57 like I'm putting body eat it do 20 minutes no weren't you guys supposed to do 20 minutes. No, weren't you guys supposed to do a half hour? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know what, I think he did five. Who did? You. I know. The fuck, man.
Starting point is 00:11:15 Yeah. I was like, is he off? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Because I didn't, okay, I've learned things. Just shut up. That's That's not true. Yes. It is true. I don't think you've learned any In all these years, I'm gonna tell you what I learned. Okay, okay by doing a couple of these now, okay But you taught me the most valuable lesson Okay, right. So I did so Polly went up. He was supposed to do 30. He did 12
Starting point is 00:11:43 Right and he goes later later, you know what I mean? Where were we at? What city was it? Edmonton. And later, later, Edmonton. And then I go up there, I'm like, I got this. And five minutes in, I'm like, I literally ran out of every joke I've ever written.
Starting point is 00:11:59 You both were like auctioneers doing material. I know, we were like, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, like, buy buy buy, buy buy buy, buy buy buy. Buy buy buy. It was like that. What the fuck? Yeah yeah yeah. It was fucking terrible. And I was backstage, I'm like, oh I have to do two hours.
Starting point is 00:12:17 Yeah. I'm like, oh my god. Your benefit though was you get at least darkness. Right, yeah. The light fucks us up. Yeah, when you perform outdoors, daylight out. Yeah, but what I learned later is I played to one table. Right. Right, you scope out who likes you,
Starting point is 00:12:40 and you just kind of pretend that you're doing it for them. Yeah. Okay, but you said to me and you're right I was way too dirty and swearing way too much up front Yeah, well both you and Polly because I've known both you guys 20 plus years So I didn't see we haven't done a show like that in a while like like doing long sets or yeah Yeah, both of you guys and I say fuck too, but you guys, it was so, it was every other word. Keith said it so much.
Starting point is 00:13:08 It was so much, I was like, oh my god, you guys. I never, like, will talk to a comic about what they do. I'm not like that guy, but I was like, you guys, that was insane. And Polly was like, yeah, I've heard that before. And I'm like, oh, okay, well, clearly you didn't. Yeah. before yeah like oh okay well clearly you didn't yeah but it's just like when you say fuck every other word it just dilutes the word yeah and you're losing material because people are like it just desensitizes the comedy right so I learned to slow it down mm-hmm sorry oh yeah I know I queef out of my mouth. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But um. Kellen semen.
Starting point is 00:13:45 Kellen semen alert. And I slowed it down, played it at the table, don't swear as much, and the next couple were fine, but I remember you being kind of mad at me a little bit. I wasn't mad at him. You were giving me a nice, I know but. Well I just like, I was just like, you know, you'd be better than that.
Starting point is 00:14:04 You know, because it just fucks up your, because I love your comedy. just like, you know, you'd be better than that You know cuz it just fucks up your because I love your comedy. Yeah Okay. Okay. Yeah, it was good. Well, you could say anything to me and I took that note and I and I incorporated in my life Is that the gig, yeah, I mean that's literally yeah, Oh my god, it looks like the last of the Mohegan's. Oh my god, you do! Holy shit! Yeah, yeah. And that was you. Oh, there was still light out when you went up. Oh wow, it's really bright out there. Yeah, it was- Yeah, oh my lord.
Starting point is 00:14:36 That is not an easy show to do. Jeez. No, it's not. So do you do clubs right now or are you doing just theaters? I'm doing theaters. I do clubs like to get ready for the theaters. Yeah, I did clubs all spring. Yeah, and then you love it Yeah, it's fun, man. I have a whole new hour It's called toilet head and then I just dropped in an hour called make joke from face. That's on YouTube now for free So this is a whole new hour that I'm gonna tape in December and you know where it's gonna go
Starting point is 00:15:02 I'll probably just do it back on YouTube. A YouTube special? Yeah, I just did one. It's on, I just dropped it this summer. Make joke from face and then toilet hat will be, yeah, probably. That's at San Jose Improv. Yeah. Oh and okay another thing that happened, tell me about the San Jose. So what? No, so I had come, I think it was after COVID and I was in Key West. I had retired in my mind. I was like, I am out.
Starting point is 00:15:31 I'm done with, I just didn't want to do it anymore. So I get back and then I'm like kind of itching a little bit. So I get to do a couple of smaller sets and then my agent calls me, we have the same agent. And he calls me, he's like, Hey man, you want to do the San Jose improv? And I'm like, dude, I just, it was MIA for a year and a half. I'm like, I'm not ready. I'm like, when is it? He goes, next week.
Starting point is 00:15:53 Which is insane. San Jose is one of the biggest clubs in the country. And I'm like, and he usually book at least six months ahead of time. So I go, next fucking week? What are you talking about? Like I barely have five minutes. And I why and he goes Bobby bailed. Bobby canceled and I go what? Why? And he goes he relapsed. Yeah. And I go oh fuck. So I
Starting point is 00:16:16 went like okay. So then I call Bobby. So I took the gig. I'm like I'll just throw myself out there and see what happens. But I took the gigs, so I called Bobby and I go, hey, are you okay? And Bobby's like, what? And I go, are you all right? And he goes, he goes, yeah, why? And I go, I'm picking up your San Jose gig. And you're like, oh my God, thank you. You're like, holy shit, thank you. And I'm like, yeah, I'm like, are you all right?
Starting point is 00:16:40 And you were like, what'd you say? Tell me what I said. You go, I don't have any new jokes. And I go, what? And you go, yeah, I have no fucking new material. And I'm like, well, just do your thing. Yeah. Yeah. And then I, but I don't know if that's true or not. Did you relapse or? I did relapse. Yeah, I did relapse. But also it was a, you saved me.
Starting point is 00:17:08 Because the last thing I mean, you know, it was like, because I had sold the tickets, I had sold tickets and people were like super excited and then like, but then it's like, if I could think of anyone that would be the best replacement or an elevated replacement, it would be you. Yeah, they were really- So it's almost as like, oh, you get, you know what I mean? Kind of Bobby, but also better in a weird way. I know, but I had to grow my hair out. I had to draw on a mustache with a pencil.
Starting point is 00:17:35 Yeah, so it's interesting during COVID, do you ever talk about what you did at COVID or no? No. You disappeared. I can't because I started COVID. Cal-She for your life. I'm excited to show you an app called Cal-She. It's the first legal exchange where you can trade bet on any event like the election.
Starting point is 00:18:02 You can bet on the election. That's amazing. Do you think you know who will win the presidential election? Who knows? So close guys. Or how many seats the Democratic or Republicans will win in the House or Senate? Well there's finally a legal way to bet on the outcome of these elections via a platform called Kalshi. Kalshi is the first legal exchange where you can bet on any event including but not limited to elections. Kalshi went to court and won legal approval for election betting for the first time in over a hundred years. Wow!
Starting point is 00:18:33 They have markets on who will win the presidential election, who will control the House and Senate, who will win swing states and more. Kalshi is already being sued by a hundred000 of people and has facilitated over 1 billion worth of trades. Let's take an example, right? Right? Trump, Kamala are trading about 50-50, meaning if you place a bet on either or, you will double your money if they end up winning.
Starting point is 00:18:58 So that's pretty good. That's pretty good. And they have other things too, like 2025 Oscar for best picture. Bobby, do you think it'll be the Brutalist, Onora or Amelia Perez? Amelio. They already have the 2025 best picture. What else we got?
Starting point is 00:19:13 Something else juicy, Jordan? Yeah, I'ma lose. How many number one songs this year? More than 17, more than 19, more than 21, more than 23. So put your money where your mouth is and sign up using our link, calchi.com slash tiger belly in the first 500 Traders who deposit $100 will get a free check it out $20 credit. That's cal she.com slash tiger belly I can't because I started going
Starting point is 00:19:44 I can't because I started COVID. Oh, I see. Yeah. No, I just went down to Key West on a fluke. I had booked a trip pre-COVID and I forgot about it. And then I went and I went to Key West for 10 days and then shit at the fan. And I stayed for a year and a half and got drunk every day. Yeah, you were in a hotel. I was in a hotel for a year and a half a nice hotel Yeah, it was like a really nice hotel. Yeah. Yeah
Starting point is 00:20:10 You had to pay for um, yes Yeah, I can't imagine Yeah, no, it was insane. It was great though. But another thing that I love about you Yeah, is I remember you called me and you're like, hey, I'm doing this thing at the Brea Improv. It's Bobby Lee and Friends new material. And he goes, you gotta come by and work out. And I'm like, done. I'm like, because when you're a headliner
Starting point is 00:20:36 and you get that break to work out new material, it's the best. Because there's no expectation. And so I was like, OK, cool. And then I can't remember what happened. It took me a minute to do it. And then somebody told me so I was like, okay, cool. And then, I can't remember what happened. It took me a minute to do it, and then somebody told me, they were like, yeah, Bobby's just doing the same shit, man.
Starting point is 00:20:51 He's not fucking doing anything new. And then I called you again, I go, what the fuck? But that's not true. Okay. That's, I'm gonna fight for my, what's that laugh? I think so. Yeah, yeah, it's ominous, I don't like it. Okay, and it's not on my side. I'll take that laugh back, okay.
Starting point is 00:21:07 Take it back, dude. They have laugh tracks, you have laugh back. Laugh back. What I wanna say to you, I wanna defend myself, is that it seems to the common person. Take it back, bro, take a laugh back. Take that laugh back, dude, I don't like it. Yeah, it's childish, all right?
Starting point is 00:21:25 So what I wanna say is that, so when you wanna put some tags in a joke, or reword it, and so people will go into a room, oh, he's still talking, you know what I mean? But I'm changing things, and I'm adding stuff in between. So don't give me that face, dude. I don't like the face, like, oh yeah yeah I don't know what face you're talking about. Yeah that one. So I but I could I do better? Alright so I want to know who fucking said that anyway um but you never did
Starting point is 00:21:57 it. It was flavorful. You never did it. Um I didn't do it because then you stopped doing it you didn't do it for that long. Yeah. Yeah, but um, I mean I see what you're saying Okay, okay. Thank you nuances you changed one word and nobody noticed Trying to sell me on psycho This guy's good, you know, he's good. He's the best. Okay, good. I voices too. Yeah, really? Yes. Yeah, how do you know that? I'm just by watching movies. How do you know that? Just by watching movies.
Starting point is 00:22:26 I do voices as well. You can't even do an accent. He can do a British accent. Hello. That was good. My name is Montgomery. Oh. Cheers.
Starting point is 00:22:37 That was really good. Cheers. Alright Bobby, I will. You know what? You're full of shit. I am. And by shit I mean poop really yeah, cheers cheers Yeah, you don't like mine. It's cuz you just saying words that people just say you know
Starting point is 00:23:00 I don't understand what the fuck you're doing dude, but I like it I just had said cuz I know he just had sex He's been bragging about it. What's what? Back in Texas. Oh, he's not even from it. We fly him out to have sex Come do this podcast. Oh my god. Why did you leave sex for this? Yeah, I had sex but that came here It's a two-minute. I know you left sex to come here. Yeah. That's what I just said. Why did you leave? Why did you leave you having sex?
Starting point is 00:23:30 To, but you came here. So you didn't, see what I did there? Yeah. You had sex, but you didn't come there. You came here. Yeah, I didn't come, but I came here to come bring him. You're not good with words. What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:23:43 It's not working. Oh. But give it a try. I came he is I think yeah Yeah, I came here to work. Yeah, okay, Greg. You know I mean yeah I don't but yeah Because you know when somebody hasn't been laid ever and the one that we finally do they always squeeze into conversations Okay, I'm so you it's not my first time okay he was alluding that it was your first time you know I wasn't a little I'm just saying that you think you have sex a lot I don't have a lot this is like my first time in five
Starting point is 00:24:12 months okay that's pretty I think that's not bad okay oh no actually I had sex on 9-eleven I had sex yeah this past 9-eleven in commemoration yes an anniversary yeah okay do you have sex in this past 9-eleven in commemoration. Yeah, it's an anniversary. Yeah Okay, you have sex in the original 9-eleven How are you like eight or ten yeah, okay? What were you then? During 9-eleven yeah, I was in LA and this is how fucking stupid I am I September 10th. I went to a concert and stupid I am. I, September 10th, I went to a concert and I went home drunk, passed out on my couch, unplugged my phone, I had a landline, that's how long ago this was, unplugged my phone. I just moved
Starting point is 00:24:54 to LA. So I wake up on my couch, plug my phone in, I wake up at 2 in the afternoon on 9-11. so I plug my phone in and the voice I was like you have 48 messages So in my head, I'm like job. You got a job. I just booked 48 sitcom Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I plug my phone and obviously it was fucking you know nightmare But it was you know where I was the weirdest where I was running out of building two with Steve Renes is oh my gosh And we barely made it name. Oh my gosh. And we barely made it out. Oh my god.
Starting point is 00:25:27 Bless your heart. It was such a, oh my god, so traumatic. Steve. Oh my god. What you went through. I don't think they even know what that means. Yeah, they don't even know what that is. I know.
Starting point is 00:25:36 Yeah. No, say it again. Google it. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it. You know what? I'm not gonna say jokes again. Okay, I will refuse to repeat jokes for you.
Starting point is 00:25:45 It's because I was doing something. What were you doing, picking your nose? No, I was thinking about something else. Why would you do that? Tell me what you were thinking about. Texas. No, you tell me what the fuck you're thinking about. Texas.
Starting point is 00:25:56 Texas. And the girl. No, not her. Yeah. I'm just thinking about sex, man. I was thinking about a bit. Age. Yeah, age. So you have flew all the way to Texas. man yeah I was thinking about then a bit AIDS yeah so you have flew all the way to Texas this show takes place in the valley you can't get late in the valley
Starting point is 00:26:13 this is like the skankiest part of fucking LA I don't think so yeah well yeah exactly you ever tried I have a lot of sex in San Jose that's why I love the San Jose improv oh okay my bad do you just pick up girls and like I have a lot of sex in San Jose. That's why I love the San Jose improv Okay, my bad. Do you just pick up girls? No, no, I meet them after the show. You do stand-up Yeah, do you believe it? I gotta go Fucking believe it Yeah, I want to see it. Yeah. Well, he is telling me who you open for, your best friend.
Starting point is 00:26:45 My best friend is Ralph Barbosa. I open up for him. Oh, he's great. Yeah, he's awesome. They're childhood friends. And that's how he got on this podcast, because Ralph did our podcast. We saw him sitting over there.
Starting point is 00:26:56 And I go, does this guy have autism? What is going on here? And then we talked to him. I go, oh, he understands the English language. And then we go out, then we started kept flying him out here to do Tiger Bellies. Nice. Because he just says, you know, weird things.
Starting point is 00:27:11 Yeah, you're like Rain Man. Yeah. Tom Cruise movie, right? Yeah. Yeah, do you know what it's about? Is that what? No. Yeah, OK, you got it.
Starting point is 00:27:21 Dustin Hoffman? Oh, there we go. And what? Toothpicks. Yeah. Toothpicks. There's some people with toothpicks. To There we go. And what what? toothpicks. Yeah, toothpicks. There's some people with toothpicks. toothpicks. Yeah, there's toothpicks in it. There's 80. There's 126 toothpicks. Yeah, but it's the whole box, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You explaining this is why.
Starting point is 00:27:35 Why? Yeah. And why? Why does he know who counts the toothpicks? Dustin Hoffman. Why? Because he has autism. Exactly. At the time. Oh, he got rid of it in dream man, too He got cured. Yeah Shake shit Shake wait. Oh, that's bartender like Tom Cruise cocktail cocktail. Yeah, yeah I got to yeah, and he's not flying in a plane to um no um so you make you like Tom Cruise movies anybody does anybody So you like Tom Cruise movies? Anybody does.
Starting point is 00:28:05 Anybody? Anybody. Yeah. Yeah, I like Tom Cruise movies. Yeah. I think he works a lot. Tom Cruise is also one of the last real movie stars. I mean, he's a star.
Starting point is 00:28:20 Yes. Have you met him? I met him once briefly. How? It was the movie Jack and Jill and Katie Holmes was in it with Sandler. Oh that's right because he was married. Yeah and I did like a brief part in it and then I was um I remember we were back at Video Village so when you're filming a movie the director- Yeah I've been in movies before. I'm not talking to you.
Starting point is 00:28:39 You have a fucking audience. What the fuck? God what an egomaniac God? Your hair back video village Go ahead Yeah, there's video village. There's video village where the producers and directors. They watch the foot. You know the takes yes, okay? Thanks, I mean you don't talk down to me. Why are you I'm fucking all right gonna go do it. Oh my god so Video village Bobby was appendix he grew up in a village. Jungle, fucking weirdo. So anyway, so we're sitting in the director, everybody,
Starting point is 00:29:12 and Tom Cruise is behind the director, and I'm sitting like off to the side. So, what's up? What? Can I just ask questions or no? Yes. Well you seem bothered by it. What are you, yes Bobby ask a question. Well no I was like I had a flow. Oh you want to go on the flow? I had a flow. I
Starting point is 00:29:33 know but can I just ask one? Yes. How far is... are you aware that Tom Cruise is near you at that point or you might not even know he was there he's so small. I if you would let... I was just about to say where I was in relation to Tom Cruise. Maybe put that in the photo. So I go, Tom Cruise is sitting behind the director, I'm in here like, what's it doing? Ah! Let me ask a question! What the fuck? What the fuck, man? All right, my bad. You're going to float it out now. Yeah. God. Dude. What? Here we go, Tom Cruise. What are you doing this for? I'm acting it out for people at home. So director Tom Cruise,
Starting point is 00:30:08 I'm sitting about 10 feet off to the side. So I'm sitting with this guy who is a friend of a friend's, one of the producers, this guy from Long Island. They're always loud. You have to know that they're there at all times. So this guy, I kind of know him not that well, but he's sitting next to me and he goes, Hey, hey, hey, Swartzen, ask Tom Cruise if he's a fucking alien.
Starting point is 00:30:29 Tom Cruise is like 10 feet away from us. Oh my God, how embarrassing. So I am horrified, I like freeze up. I'm like, I'm like, dude, chill. And he's like, what, what? I'm like, he's fucking. And he goes, I don't fucking care. And I'm like, oh my god.
Starting point is 00:30:47 And I'm like, dude, and he's like, is he a fucking alien or what? And I'm like, and I just got up and just walked away. Like in those situations, everybody knows that. Like when somebody, when you're in public, in a work situation, somebody's fucking going rogue. And you're just like, yep, okay. And he's just, bye bye, bye bye.
Starting point is 00:31:07 But yeah, I met him briefly and he was really nice. I would have been, do you met, I forget who it was. Brendan Schaub. No. I met him. I know you have, no, no. It was in the last couple weeks you posted something
Starting point is 00:31:21 and you met somebody that I couldn't believe that you had met. Who was it? It's someone, honestly, it's someone pretty huge. And I know that you know, I mean we both know famous people but I'm just saying that like, he's so famous I'm like how does he even know? Well I wanna know.
Starting point is 00:31:39 Yeah me too. He was so famous that he like hacked your brain, you can't remember? No I remember looking and I kinda got mad almost almost like how the fuck is Nick know that guy Abraham Lincoln Have you met Barack Obama no, okay, it's somebody like that in that world I'm not in that world, but that kind of like oh, how does Nick know that guy? Is it a white guy black guy Asian guy? I don't remember that., but that kind of like oh, how does Nick know that guy? Is it a white guy, black guy, Asian guy?
Starting point is 00:32:06 I posted it on Instagram? I don't even, yeah, but I swear to God it was you And it was like, oh he knows everybody. I remember in my mind going, Nick knows everybody What the fuck? Yeah, yeah I mean this is the only picture on his Instagram I could fit No, no, no, that's that's the standard who if he knows It's just It it was a story.
Starting point is 00:32:26 I saw like two of her posters. What? It was a, no, it was earlier than that. But how, this is all recent. Was it actor? I don't, I mean this is like. It's a mystery in my mind. But I swear to God it was so big.
Starting point is 00:32:39 I wish it was. Because all these people that you know are people I know. Right, we're in the same world. In the same world. So it's a's a guy know you're getting way to Go in the beginning the first three maybe New lip stuff and yeah, yeah, it looked funky and that's why I mentioned earlier. Yeah. Yeah Anyway, it was well, I mean I think about it later. Okay. Yeah I mean, okay. Well wait, I was gonna ask you so good. Go ahead
Starting point is 00:33:04 Who have you met that was a fan of yours that you were like what in the fuck and it like blew your mind? Oh Well, I mean recently um, I don't like talking about stuff like this. You gotta. Why? People like to hear stuff like that Yeah, I I you know you have an audience right People are watching, they're excited to hear from you. I understand that, that's how I got Nick Swartzman on my podcast. I know. Okay, there you go.
Starting point is 00:33:30 So maybe three weeks ago on a Saturday, I got a FaceTime from somebody I didn't recognize the number. And if I stand this number back, and it was Adam Levine. Oh, from Room 5? Yeah, because I'm a huge fan of The Voice. I'm not kidding you, when he was on The Voice,
Starting point is 00:33:51 him and Kelly Clarkson are so funny on that show. Really? Honestly, I look at clips and I laugh at their jokes. And their banter between each other. Really? Yeah, I'm obsessed with like weird little things. It's funnier than any comic, any comic that I've ever seen. Jesus, Lord.
Starting point is 00:34:10 Yeah, I know, I know, I know. They're funnier than any comic you've ever seen. I've laughed at Kelly Clarkson. Adam Levine and Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've laughed more at Kelly Clarkson and Adam Levine on The Voice than in anything in life. You need to go to rehab?
Starting point is 00:34:23 No, no, it's not, no. Comedy rehab? It's real, it's real. It's real. Okay. I'll edit out a montage and I'll show you what I mean. Okay. But anyway, he calls me and he goes, hey dude, and he's there, there he is. And he's with his family.
Starting point is 00:34:38 But he's in a town, somewhere in California. Somewhere. Somewhere in California. And he was like, dude, I just want to let you know that me and my family are so obsessed with you right now. We went on a deep dive into your shit. And I, cause when I first met him, five years before, I went to one of his, it was like a benefit that he think I was doing.
Starting point is 00:35:01 And he was wearing a fur jacket, and he had black nails, like long nails, and he was standing there like this, and there was people all around him, and I remember my friend Gene, goes, come on, come and meet Adam, right? And Adam, he didn't even lock eyes with me, he just put one of his vampire claws out,
Starting point is 00:35:21 and he shook my head from behind. I was like, right here. And he goes, nice to meet you, right? And I was like, what the fuck, right? Oh my God. Yeah, I remember grabbing it like this and going, I gotta get outta here. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:35:33 It's not fun at all, right? And then he calls me out of the blue and he goes, and then maybe a couple weeks ago I was in Vegas, in room five I happened to be playing, so I went. My God. I'll be honest with you, in room five I happened to be playing. So I went. My God. I'll be honest with you. I don't know anything about the music. I think you would, I know, I think the music's great.
Starting point is 00:35:52 It's pop, it's pop. What do you need to know about it then? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I watched the concert and I was like, I don't know any of the songs, is what I'm saying. And I was clapping and it looked so visually stunning, the choreography, right? The light. The light. She's chastising you about how to talk. You realize that, right?
Starting point is 00:36:23 You realize where the comment is from. I know what he's doing. Rang mang. Rang mang, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but I don't know the music that well. There's a couple, there's a couple of them. You can't sing one song? Well, that sounds like every song.
Starting point is 00:36:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's, yeah. So, and then, and then, you know, I went backstage and he was like super sweet. And it was like a cool, you know, thing. I mean, I've had moments like that dude I had one with Adam Adam Levine yeah no Adam Sandler yeah Bobby definitely great story yeah yeah I'll be definitely great so I was so that's Raymond yeah yeah so this happened two months ago okay and I've talked to Adam
Starting point is 00:37:00 a couple of times super nice yeah cuz you were in wrong missy yeah didn't you do something else with seller no that's it really yeah yeah all right but but I I've talked to Adam a couple of times, super nice. Yeah, because you were in Wrong Missy. Yeah, yeah. Didn't you do something else with Sandler? No, that's it. Really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, all right. But I did something with his wife.
Starting point is 00:37:11 I did a movie, Drugs for a June with Jackie. Yeah. Yeah, so I was, and you know, when me and Andrew were playing in Detroit, I don't know if you were on that show, but Sandler was playing Detroit the same time. Yeah, I didn't do Detroit. Yeah, but Rob Schneider was there and Kevin James, that crew.
Starting point is 00:37:28 Okay. And I get a call from Adam and going, hey, we're at a steakhouse after your show come and so we hung out that night, which is really nice. Yeah. Right. But then I was with this girl in Malibu and we're in some weird kind of like outdoor mall, like fancy mall. And he was out, does he have a mom? Yeah, he has a mother.
Starting point is 00:37:49 She's alive, right? Yeah, just. Yeah, he's with his mom. And he's sitting on a patio eating, and I'm with this girl, I'm holding hands, and we walk by him, and I didn't wanna like go, hey Adam, because maybe he doesn't, I don't wanna look he doesn't you know me I don't want to look like a fool right but he when he saw me
Starting point is 00:38:08 He was just like Bobby. He was like so like it was so generous and so nice Yeah, I know what I'm saying. No Adams like the nicest. He's so nice. Yeah. Yeah Have you ever met anybody that you're like what the fuck? I've had a couple what the fuck I mean, I'm a big sports fan so like athletes freaked me out I get all excited, but um there was one time at Sandler had a holiday party And I remember I was just chillin and somebody came over to me, and they're like hey um Nick Somebody wants to meet you and I'm like and I go I guess Okay, no
Starting point is 00:38:43 Muhammad Ali No, okay, fuck and I go. Let me guess. Okay. No? Muhammad Ali? No. Okay, fuck. Why? Why is that right? He's one of the greatest boxers in the whole world. Yeah. Roger Federer. Okay. No, it's not a sports person. Oh, you like sports.
Starting point is 00:38:55 I'd like to open up with sports. No, I said that's usually who I geek out with. Oh, so it's somebody, give me the field. Science? It was an actor. Oh, it was an actor. Yeah, but it's somebody I've never worked with or anything. I know, okay. Can I guess?
Starting point is 00:39:09 Gary Oldman. No, but it's like, no. Okay, let's not play, you gotta tell me. Thank you. I don't think games will. You gave up on that real quick. Why, no, I mean. That's such a broad actor.
Starting point is 00:39:22 But yeah, all right. Okay, yeah, yeah. Flow, flow with with it so they were like okay you're the flow so they're like hey somebody wants to meet you I'm like okay cool and I go who is it and they're like it's Val Kilmer oh shit and I was like no this is like probably like ten years ago before neck yeah before so I was like holy shits tombstones one my favorite I mean I love all of this stuff yeah but tombstones like one of my all-time.
Starting point is 00:39:45 So I go, what? Why does he want to meet me? So they were like, I don't know. So I go over and Val's just standing in this like kind of dark corner. And I'm like, hey. And he goes, what's up, Nick? And I go, what's going on?
Starting point is 00:39:57 And he goes, hey, I've been watching your standup comedy. I'm doing a one-man show about Mark Twain. And he goes, I've been watching standups. I've been watching your stuff-up comedy. I'm doing a one-man show about Mark Twain. And he goes, I've been watching stand-ups, I've been watching your stuff and how you tell a story. And I just thought it was really interesting and blah, blah. And so he was just like, gave me these compliments and I was like, holy fuck. Wow.
Starting point is 00:40:18 So that like blew me away. Yeah. So that was really exciting. Who was the fucking person you were with in the post? It was not even Velkin, it was even bigger than Velkin. I didn't get a picture Do you ever do that like I never take pictures? Yeah, because I don't want to be that guy Yeah, so many fucking times where I'm like, I wish I'd taken a picture. You didn't take a Val now I just yeah, no, I mean I want to be cooler. All right, so here's the thing or just not now
Starting point is 00:40:39 Let's figure out let's figure out right now How the fuck to do it because I don't know how to do it. So you know what I do? So when I was on Borderlands, I asked Cate Blanchett's friend to ask her when would be the right moment that we could have fun. Right, it's always better to go through somebody. Yeah, that's what I did.
Starting point is 00:40:59 And I go, don't even go to her directly, do you know? I mean, it's like when it's dawn. Is there a certain time, you know what I mean? Right. After the meal, between appetizers, like first. When she's a wolf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like a weird gray area.
Starting point is 00:41:12 Yeah, yeah, I don't know what she does at night. We don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, so there's, and then I, I don't know how to do it sometimes, so I don't do it, but let's figure out a way right now. Well, if I see you with somebody, you do it, and then, I mean, I'll do Well, I'll if I see you somebody you do it and then I mean I'll do it and then if you see somebody okay So who am I then?
Starting point is 00:41:29 you're Rain man, I have to be Dustin Hoffman. Yeah, I don't want to do something. I don't want to do it. Okay. I'm just being De Niro. Oh Yikes Wow. Oh, it's getting worse. Now you're a melted candle. How you doing? How you doing? Robert De Niro?
Starting point is 00:41:54 How you doing? Listen, how you doing? Let's just, I'm the Dalai Lama. Okay, that was a big jump. I can do the Dalai Lama. I don't even know how he sounds. That's why, I don't either, but no one does, that's why it works. Oh, so you're the Dalai Lama in any way. I can do any can do the Dalai Lama. I don't even know how he sounds. That's why I don't either but no one does
Starting point is 00:42:05 That's why it works. Oh, so you're Dalai Lama in any way. I can do any accent with the Dalai Lama. No one knows So I'm the Dalai Lama, okay, and what are we at? What's the center? We're on a bus? Sure. Public bus. Public bus Okay, yeah, and we're sitting we're not sitting next to each other, there's the aisle, but we're across from each other. Okay, and you're Dalai Lama? On the public bus? I don't understand, actually I don't understand where this is going. So we're on a bus, and with the Dalai Lama.
Starting point is 00:42:35 What's so hard to fucking, you want to get a photo with the Dalai Lama, he's standing on the bus. I don't. Oh, you don't want a bus? Oh, I mean, yeah, I guess. All right, well then, give him somebody he wants. Oh, who do you want to put oh, I mean, yeah, I guess all right well then give him somebody wants. Oh, yeah Oh, who do you want? Steve Harvey, okay, do you see hey?
Starting point is 00:42:52 Oh my god cancelled You got to try your best Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Never seen Steve Harvey do that. Dynamite! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:43:13 Just about that. You said that? What? I heard this story. I don't know if it's true, but I hope it's true. Because you said dynamite. Jimmy Walker. Jimmy Walker from Good Times.
Starting point is 00:43:23 For people that don't know the young kids. So Jimmy Walker played JJ on Good Times. And my friend was doing a gig and it was at a club, it's like, I don't know, like 15 years ago. And so the club was like, hey, you got to pick Jimmy up from the airport. So my friend didn't have a car. So he called his buddy and he's like, hey man, can you, can I use your car? I got to pick up Jimmy from the airport and he goes no no no I'm gonna drive and he's like okay but you were not supposed to talk to him. That's Jimmy Walker. Yeah that's Jimmy Walker. That's in this early 70s though. Yeah this is later on. Yeah. So he goes okay but you can't I was told not to talk to Jimmy just pick
Starting point is 00:43:59 him up. Yeah. And his buddies like okay so he's driving Jimmy they pick him up Jimmy's in the shotgun and this comedian was in the back so they're driving and the club told him he's like told the comic don't tell him to say dynamite don't say dynamite don't fucking that was his catchphrase like don't yeah so his whole life because this sitcom was huge his catchphrase was dynamite right right and so everywhere he went, people would just scream it from across, he could be on a roller coaster, people, dynamite, yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:30 Yeah. So, go. Okay, so they pick him up, they're in the car, and his buddy who's driving goes, hey man, can you say dynamite? And Jimmy Walker's like, no man, no, not saying dynamite. And he's like, come on, you can say it once. So the comic, his friend is in the back, who was like horrified, So he's like, you could say it one time. And Jimmy was like, no, man,
Starting point is 00:44:48 I'm not going to say it. So the guy, the comic friend pulls over to the side of the road and he goes, I'm not going one more fucking foot until you say dynamite. And I guess Jimmy Markle was like, okay, dynamite. Wow. And the guy goes, okay, thank you. And then started driving. Oh my God. Yeah, I think I've told that story before, but it's one of my favorites. That is so embarrassing.
Starting point is 00:45:13 Oh yeah, the comic was like mortified. It's like, oh my, I hope that's true. I don't know. It's also Jimmy Walker, this guy, right? Is getting picked up by two random guys. From a cloned accord. I mean, right? it's so sad. Yeah yeah yeah so Val Kilmer and then one time I met Bill Paxton.
Starting point is 00:45:30 How do we get the photo? I don't know. Yeah so I'm the Dalai Lama. Let's go with the Dalai Lama. Okay. Alright so how do you how do you get this photo here? Can you take a photo with Dalai Lama? Yes, does it even show up like in the photo? Person yeah, so you just played Dalai Lama. I'm gonna try to do it. Okay. Okay. I Like your robe. Thank you The Dalai Lama is gay. No, I just I said that out loud you did. Yeah, I heard that Oh, I'm so sorry your majesty your highness. It's okay. Yeah It's good. So anyway. Yeah, I love this robe. Yeah Are you here for a convention? Yeah, like a spiritual. I'm here for robe con
Starting point is 00:46:17 Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're like a big deal at robe con because I'm actually not you know, who is yeah, I'm Brendan shop Oh Brendan shop. Yeah, it's a guest speaker a guest speaker yeah yeah I'm just here to listen to there's a robes I think that you maybe you and Gandalf probably huge yeah we're still not as big a shop yeah he's like the white claw really I've never seen Brendan in a robe I know nobody has that's why it's so magical. Wow, that's magical. Yeah. Yeah. Um. Can I get a photo? Yes.
Starting point is 00:46:49 That's, that's. Oh, okay, yeah, I guess it's that easy. You just go direct. Yeah, if you just go right to the source. Because here's what I don't want though, the no. Would that hurt? I mean, I. Have you ever said no?
Starting point is 00:47:02 I've never said no. I've never said no either. Yeah, I mean, if people want to take a photo, I always think it's weird when I hear people are like, yeah, I don't do that or something. It's like, what the fuck? Or they go, I don't do it when I'm eating. Like, who cares?
Starting point is 00:47:14 I mean, I don't want to do it like in the middle of, like if I'm chewing, I'll stop. I mean, I'll finish chewing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I finished chewing. Like I've chewed, just hold on a second, I'm chewing. Yeah. Right?
Starting point is 00:47:27 You chew, you drink your beverage, and you just go. You ever just. Do a quick selfie. Right. We'll do a quick selfie. You ever just spit the food in their mouth? By accident maybe. And then eat it off?
Starting point is 00:47:36 No, I'm not. Just so they really have a memory. No, I'm not. A really long lasting. Yeah, you've tried that? Yeah, no, God, heaven. Do you like meet and greets? Do you do those after shows? I do.
Starting point is 00:47:48 It's stunning. Here's what I love about it. You have fans that you never even dreamt that you, I'll go, you like me? Like two old ladies will be in line. What the fuck? Yeah. We love your timing.
Starting point is 00:48:01 Oh no. Yeah, you're like, all right. They're not doing well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He creates an insane asylum? No, I mean, they're just like two, like they live in a prairie kind of old people. Right.
Starting point is 00:48:15 They're wearing like Sunday church dresses. Yeah. They just look put together, right? But then they have like a tattoo of fucking like Rogan on their thigh or something. Yeah. They're like secret,an on their thigh or something Yeah, they're like secret like insurrectionist or something but yeah, it's it's like that's what I like about it They churned butter all day and then came to your show. Yeah. Yeah. How about you? Do you like them? Um
Starting point is 00:48:35 I don't really do them that much because people get is your fan base like fucking my family gets rowdy, dude I mean not as much as when I was younger, but like, they still, they get fucking hammered. Yeah. Like, so meat and grease can get really weird. And it's like even more bizarre because, you know, people will just ask for the craziest shit. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Of like, girls will be like, grab my tit, kiss me,
Starting point is 00:49:02 fart in my mouth or whatever the fuck. I'm like, no. And then I'm just like, I don't think. They get really handsy. Yeah, it's like weird. I'm like, if any of these photos, I'm not just going to grab people's gens. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:12 Grab their genitals. You know what's funny? You say that because. Fuck, man. I think you and I have similar, sometimes I'll do a room, right, like the Miami Improv or something. Right. And I'll have a second show and it's so out of control.
Starting point is 00:49:31 I can barely get them to even, it's a party. Right. Right? And then I think after the show I think to myself, how the fuck does so and so do this? You know what I mean? Right. And in my mind I'm like, is it because I have just a completely different audience? Or do like, you know, because there are like,
Starting point is 00:49:50 comics like Demetri Martin, right? Who has a different energy level. I think to myself, how does he handle rowdy rooms like this? But he's not getting the fan base that we are. Yeah, so what's wrong with our fan base? I want his fan base. I don't think there's anything wrong with our fan base.
Starting point is 00:50:06 They're just fired up. Yeah, they're fired up. I think their love is just, they're fired up. One thing I saw one time, I'll never forget this, I did, do you ever do Beacher's Madhouse? Oh yeah, dude, that was wild. Yeah. Oh, I want to talk about that.
Starting point is 00:50:20 So, Beacher's Madhouse, for those of you guys who don't know, there's a guy named Jeff Beacher, who back in the day started in New York and then went to Vegas and he had this crazy fucking variety show at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas. The show started at midnight and he had like, literally everything, sword swallowers. It's a circus. There's dwarves, there's, you know what I mean, there's people on gigantic bikes, titties, I mean the crazy.
Starting point is 00:50:45 Yeah, strippers, it's insane. Then he would have standup. So he wanted to do standup, I never did it. Even Jeff's a really good friend of mine, and I was like, no. I'm like, this is like pure chaos. It was like cocaine the musical in the crowd. It was like fucking insane.
Starting point is 00:50:59 So the one guy I remember years ago, I went and Sebastian. Manos Kalko. Manos Kalko was on the show. I mean this is 15 years ago. Yeah. And Sebastian was not as animated as he was now. He was very like just very dry but so fucking funny. So we went out and he's like oh what's going on? All right. Ross Dress for Less, have you been there? And the crowd's rowdy rowdy rowdy rowdy. Yeah. He's just doing his thing. Yeah. He's not catering to him. He's just doing Ross Dress for Less, have you been there? And the crowd's rowdy, rowdy, rowdy, rowdy. And he's just doing his thing.
Starting point is 00:51:26 He's not catering to him, he's just doing his thing. And he's so funny, and then people slowly started listening, slowly started listening, slowly started listening. And then he just started murdering. Because people, and I heard that about Steven Wright back in the day, where he would do the same thing. He would just do his bits and commit to his jokes, and then the audience would have to catch up to him.
Starting point is 00:51:46 So he didn't go like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba like Brian Callan. Another thing they do is they lower their voice. Love you, Brian. They lower their voice. Right. So then people are like, more quiet so that people hush to listen.
Starting point is 00:51:58 Yeah. That's another technique. Yeah. That was, the first time I did Beatrice Madhouse, I got off stage, and a lady that was literally on fire started making out with me. It was like a fire lady. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:52:11 It was like my face was, I didn't give a fuck. I don't care if I get degree burns. I was making out with, it was like every time you would do that gig you would hook up. Good Lord. Good Lord. But you had to, did they have to be on fire? Or could you just hook up with anybody?
Starting point is 00:52:25 It was a joke. I mean, she was just like one of those trapeze. She was on, you know. Oh, okay. It was a joke. She wasn't fully on fire. It was just a joke. Okay, sorry.
Starting point is 00:52:33 I trusted you. Oh, okay. You fucking let me down. Yeah. And I fucking kissed you. But yeah, no, the show was pure, I've never seen pure chaos. Another comedian that used to do that, like when first started I would see was Mitch Hedberg. And he would go on stage in front of a rowdy ass crowd
Starting point is 00:52:49 on like Saturday night. Was that Beatrice? Yeah, that's it. Imagine going after that and doing stand up. Yeah, you have to follow that. Yeah, that's what you would have to follow. Oh my god, Bobby on acid. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:06 Robert Kelly. Bobby Kelly you burn do it burn see burn used to do it burn used to do it. Yeah. Yeah Wow, yeah, it was a fucking wild. He texted me. He was the guy that he texted me is But I hadn't heard for Beecher for 20 years 15 years. He texted me two months ago Hey, it's Beecher. I I go what's up? He goes the bae wants to see you. Oh. He was the guy. I go what do you mean the bae? And he goes Mike. I go I don't know Mike. I still don't even know him. Right, right. I go what is he? He's a director. I go Michael Bay? What? Yeah and I go. You call him the bae? yeah, yeah, you go to the fucking Bay there's so many Bay I understand that You're like I mean, I know lagoons
Starting point is 00:53:58 Yeah, my favorite thing you've ever said thank you so much Did you meet the Bay? Yeah, you did call him. Wow. Anyway, um, do you still like doing movies? Yeah. Oh, I've got, um, I just finished two feature scripts and I'm really excited. What? That I wrote. Uh-huh. And then, um, what if I was like, no, I just finished two features I read and I'm just gonna fucking hand them out. Yeah. Just go to the movies. Is Happy Madison gonna do them? Um, I don't know, I gave one to Sandler, but then I wrote a pilot and in the pilot I wrote you in it. Oh you did it. I swear to God, my hand to God. I wrote a pilot called Bro Sasson and it's about an assassin that was raised in the jungle by his mom and he was trained to be a killing machine. His mom dies. He flies back to the US and he's never had a life before and then he becomes the biggest partier Wow but then still is an assassin and you this program so I'm gross ass yeah like Tahoe Todd is name yeah and then every every episode I have a guest assassin and I wrote the pilot
Starting point is 00:54:57 with you in it you play Honol God. Did you get picked up? No, I just handed it in to a couple of producers. What company? What network? I don't know yet. I just handed it in to some producers. But you're also filming a lot. Yeah, but I might... I'm not going to bring up the thing you just did. I get it.
Starting point is 00:55:20 No, I can say Happy Gilmore 2. I just can't talk about what I did. He just did a Happy Gilmore 2. I just can't talk about it. He just did a Happy Gilmore 2. Thank you so much. Can't wait for it. Do you have a release date? No, I think I heard rumors, but like early summer, I think. But that's just a rumor. I don't know. I want to watch it.
Starting point is 00:55:37 Don't be angry, Bobby. Have you seen the first one? Have I seen the first one? Yeah, I understand. By the way, this is coming from Bobby who when I showed up here, he goes Did you finish shooting Billy Madison 2? I didn't say that
Starting point is 00:55:54 Like a gypsy You know what I meant? Yeah, you know what I meant, dude You know what I meant, dude Yeah, I did So yeah, I'll keep you posted. But even if like, there are 15 minute episodes. So that's for Bro Sasson.
Starting point is 00:56:11 So it's a half hour, but with two 15 minute episodes. Can I not die in it? I know that every episode... I can change it to where you don't die. Because some, some of the... Oh, but I do die? You do die. Oh, now let me die.
Starting point is 00:56:22 Do you want to die or no die? If I'm in the pilot... Die or no die! Yeah, I'll die, I'll die, I'll die. Okay. Well, let me die Do you want to die or no die if I'm in the pilot? I know die Yeah, I'll die. I'll die. Okay. Well, whatever you want. Yeah, but either way I think I'm just gonna fund it myself because it's so kind of bizarre So I gave it to one of my friends is a director who was involved in peanut butter falcons great movie And so I might just shoot it on my own so then we can just do it. I love Peter So then we can just do it. I love Peter Falk
Starting point is 00:56:50 Yeah, that movie's great. Yeah, so either way like I love this funded on Kyle LeBouffe in it Yeah, he's great. And my friend lies produced it You know live Sarky. Yeah, he just directed a movie. I was in called sweet dreams Oh nice with me Johnny Knoxville and Theo. Oh great. Yeah, love all those people. Yeah. Yeah, Liza's great He's the best. Yeah, he's great. He's the best. Yeah, he's awesome. I met him when he was a bartender at Baby Blues. No. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:10 Did you meet him when he was drinking? Yeah. He's sober now. Yeah, he got fucking, he got fired for. But he was like, just like the night, like as soon as he called me, I was like, I don't care what it is. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:21 Sometimes you do that, it's like, who also cares in this day and age? Yeah. Just do whatever, I don't give a who also cares in this day and age? Yeah. Just do whatever, I don't give a fuck. Dude, I got offered a movie, my agent called me up and he goes, do you want to do this movie? And I go, what is it? And he goes, it's you and John Claude Van Damme.
Starting point is 00:57:32 Oh, you have to do it. And I go, yeah. I'm not even going to read the script. I know. Yeah. And he talked me out of it. Your agent then? Yeah, I was so bummed.
Starting point is 00:57:42 Why? He just was like hammering, he's like, no, just trust me me and I'm like, this is the only reason I got into this business Yeah, but the thing is is that I want to do I don't these with these movies No one's gonna watch it Well, sometimes they might sometimes like I mean fucking no I know but who you don't know and it's like if I see a bad john clad van dan movie and you're in it I'm not gonna be like fuck. I'm like this is cool! It's funny when people say that like dude why'd you do that movie? It's a fucking movie! Yeah I barely graduated high school!
Starting point is 00:58:13 I know yeah yeah! I'm excited to just work! Also sometimes when I read a script I don't know if it's good do you or not do you know every time? I can tell pretty quick I can tell within the first five. I get confused I'm like you know every time? I can tell pretty quick. I can tell within the first five I get confused. I'm like you know what I mean? Well if it's really weird. I never know when I like I remember I read the pilot for family guy and I just didn't understand because it's so visual and like it's so rapid-fire that I was like reading it I was like I don't know what's going on. I remember it's Sandler gave me the script for the Zohan and I read it I was like what in the fuck? Yeah. What is it? Yeah. And Sandler was like oh it Zohan and I read it and I was like, what in the fuck?
Starting point is 00:58:45 What is it? And Sandler was like, oh, it's like, and then he kind of explained it. I was like, oh, but it was, I was like, what is going on? You and Zohan too? Yeah. How many Sandler movies have you been in? God, I don't know, 15, 20 maybe?
Starting point is 00:58:57 Wow. I think. What's your favorite? Probably Avatar. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah, The Way of Water. Adam Brode directed that. Yeah, yeah, The Way of Water. I don't know, they're all a blast because Adam's fucking great. Yeah. I mean like I love Just Go, that was super fun because it's filmed in Hawaii, you love Hawaii. That's why I cast you as Honolulu Lu. We shoot in Hawaii? I don't know. Well no, I'm not gonna fucking shoot in Hawaii. That's why I cast you as Honolulu Lou. Will we shoot in? Wait didn't... I don't know. Well no I'm not gonna fucking shoot in Hawaii.
Starting point is 00:59:26 Don't get mad at me. No I am now. Yeah yeah. No, you're fired. What are you asking? I'm no longer Ronnie Chang now? Ronnie Chang's on Honolulu Lou? I'm Richo. Oh okay. I'm fired. You lost. I have a question. Yep. So like when... what? Go ahead. No, what? Yeah, go ahead. So like, when it like films, like when you're writing films, I don't know, I had the idea in my head about it, just lost it. The locations, we got film locations, you guys write it.
Starting point is 00:59:54 Wait, what's going on? No, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, no, I love you. No, no, no, Jaime. Okay, it's like I'm. Jaime, no, no, stop, no, no, you can still finish, okay? Yeah, no. But normally people don't get this chance. We work it in your head, I'll give you five seconds. No, finish. Yeah, no. But normally people don't get this chance.
Starting point is 01:00:05 Rework it in your head. I'll give you five seconds. No, no, no. It was funny, because Jaime had the question. Rework it in your head for five seconds, and I'm gonna give you another shot, okay? But I want you to be clear and precise. Okay.
Starting point is 01:00:16 Five seconds? Yeah. So writing a script on a movie, do you guys decide to choose a location of like Hawaii, Africa or like somewhere do you guys? Because the production of Y'all Fly Them Out. For like vacation. Is that why y'all do it?
Starting point is 01:00:44 No, you know what?? That's a valid question. I know what you're asking. It's a valid question. In stage directions and descriptions, what they do is they just put a question mark and they let the studio decide where to shoot it. How? Because Blended was in Africa.
Starting point is 01:00:57 No, you're asking. That was in South Africa, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What you're asking me is, in the script, do people know that it's shot in South Africa is that what you're asking me? No like when you write it, oh no like I'm writing a movie. He's saying when you write a screenplay do you set the location or is it dictated by? Yes right okay yeah for the vacation or just I don't know Hawaii is a vacation so. Correct. Oh is that what you're okay this is what you're saying I know what the fuck you're saying no, no. I'm trying to clear it up with my mind.
Starting point is 01:01:27 I'm lying. Oh, good luck with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me clear it with my mind. Oh, God. Can I clear it with my mind? Yes, Rain Man. All right, so.
Starting point is 01:01:34 Are you saying that if you put Hawaiian description and like, they're like, we'll shoot in the Fijis, is that what you mean? No, like, okay, like, he's saying, let me say what you're saying. He's asking, when you're writing a script, do you set the location to dictate, like, oh, we'll shoot here because it's fun and it's like almost a vacation. Like, you know, like, so sometimes, but for the most part, if you have carte blanche like
Starting point is 01:01:59 Sandler, like, he can pick exotic locations, so, you know, because he gets a bigger budget. Yeah. But I mean, if I'm writing a script, I try not to make it too expensive. And if his script is located in a Hawaii-type setting, they might shoot in Mexico. Yeah, we'll just cheat it. Even there were some scenes in Just Go With It where we picked some of them up in like the hills in Malibu. Yeah. So like, we, you know, we would just cheat it.
Starting point is 01:02:26 Yeah. So yeah, but I mean, ideally I've, I've tried to, no, it's a, it's a valid question. And I mean, I've written stuff where I'm like, Hey, what if it's in Hawaii? And they're like, this is a, you know, a snowboarding movie. I'm like, no, I know how funny would it be? I know. But yeah, I mean, if I could shoot everything in Hawaii, there was a period where I kept trying to create TV shows that had to be in Hawaii.
Starting point is 01:02:51 Yeah. And then like my agents just saw through it so quickly. Yeah. They're like, yeah, just... It doesn't have to be in Hawaii. I'm like, yeah, but fucking... What if it is? They don't have fucking lays everywhere. Yeah, you can make a lay head anywhere. So Fox wanted to do a show with me and Theo.
Starting point is 01:03:12 So two years ago they called me and they go, how do we get Theo more involved? And I just said, you got to shoot in Hawaii. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it's got to be in a show in Hawaii. What was the show? They were going to do anything with us. We just want to use two together and we'll in a show in Hawaii. What was the show? They were gonna do anything with us. We just want you two together,
Starting point is 01:03:27 and we'll get a show runner, and we'll write a show. Right. There's no way he'll do it without Hawaii. And Fox goes, oh, okay, and they wrote it down, and then everything was, every pitch was about Hawaii. And I don't know if Theo likes Hawaii, but I did it. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have to do that so yeah you got
Starting point is 01:03:46 a go for it is that Hawaiian five-o oh no that was already a show that was like a reboot oh you're saying I was on the reboot Magnum PI no it's Hawaiian were you on Magnum PI yeah I'd like 15 episodes no you weren't yeah you did 15 like 12 maybe 12 yeah that's a lot. That's great. What did you play? I played gin So basically when they're like no, no, no, basically when like magnum was like we gotta we gotta go to the streets, right? Right. They would they would pick what Showing gin. Yeah. Yeah. Well good. Like the one that um, yeah, so I played gin
Starting point is 01:04:25 So every anytime that they would, any, what I hate about shows like this, because I've done, what's that other one that LA, it's the same kind of show. Like, is it gonna SVU or something like that? Yeah, something, I've done a couple of those too. Procedurals, yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:38 Procedurals. They're just, the dialogue, I fucking hate them. Yeah. They're just so like, you know what I mean? Technical. Technical. Yeah, fuck that. About some sort of like mineral
Starting point is 01:04:49 or fucking some sort of like, you know what I'm saying? Like some sort of sciency, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're sitting there trying to memorize, it's fucking, I hate it. Yeah, memorizing sucks anyway. That's why it's good like being a writer.
Starting point is 01:05:00 Yeah. Because then I can just dictate what I'm saying and how long I'm gonna say it. Well, Hallelujah, right? I'm gonna go, here. It's quick, it. It's like I know but what I'm gonna say to you is this on set I'm gonna go hey, can I say it like this? Yeah, would you would you be mad at that? I wouldn't be I mean it depends if it's in a context that will enhance the key Give me a complicated sentence and see if I can rework it. Okay Hi, my name is Honolulu. Lou
Starting point is 01:05:23 No, I would say that I I know how to memorize that. I don't know. Hi, my name is Honolulu Lou. Yep, you failed. That's not good. My name is Honolulu Lou. Better. Give me a shot. Okay.
Starting point is 01:05:35 Am I auditioning right now? I'm sweating. Well, you're the one that was giving... Give me a complex line I want to see if I can... Give you a complex line. Okay. Exercise. God damn it. All right. Okay, yeah. Well, let's think of um, okay So the volcano right now is that gonna erupt in the Celsius latitude longitude?
Starting point is 01:05:53 That will be contemporary to the social vernacular. Yeah. Hey Nick. Can I see this is the volcano gonna go rub? Yeah, say that yes, okay. Yeah. Thanks man. Yeah. okay. That was good. Yeah. Thank you. That's what I mean Okay, so you're just gonna just cut out all this and just make it remedial moron city. Okay great That was a great exercise But yeah monologues are horrible so you you know Mary Lynn Rice Cub, right? Love her. So Mary Lynn's great and she was on the show 24. I know she was great.
Starting point is 01:06:29 And she auditioned for it. I remember this vividly and she was like, I saw her at some show and she was like, oh my god. She goes, I went in for this show and the f***ing dialogue was so dense and she goes, I got the part. Oh, that's great. She goes, yeah, it's Fox show. Keep yourself on. And I go, it's awesome. She goes, I know.
Starting point is 01:06:50 But like all my dialogue is she goes, I play like I never saw. But yeah, she'd be like a techie scientist. Okay, I want to say I've seen every 24. Is her dialogue pretty intense? Not only intense, because she plays like a computer-y kind of like girl right? So she's not only the dialogue hard but she is absolutely amazing in it. Yeah I bet. She fucking kills it in it. Yeah so but some of like but I probably saw that and went God Marilyn's good. She can see all these things. Right yeah. I could never do that. I couldn't I couldn't either. I
Starting point is 01:07:24 remember when Tommy was at the Comedy Store. This is after all the 24's. I could never do that. I couldn't either. I remember when Tommy was at the Comedy Store. This is after all the 24s. I mean, so she was on Mr. Show and Larry Sanders Show. Yeah. And I go, I bring a fucking Mary Lynn up to the cover booth. Tommy's there. And I go, Tommy, you got Mary Lynn here. He's like, what's up? And I go, Mary Lynn, he goes, she wants to get in? good she's she wants to showcase she's got to show up at open mics like she treat he treated her like he didn't know the fuck she was other way she's done standing for dude you're
Starting point is 01:07:59 preaching to the choir right I was livid. I screamed at him. Now she wasn't around. I pulled him aside and I go, what the fuck? Do you know what comedy is and who's in the business? He goes, yeah I do. Brennan Shobbs on stage. So the answer is, fuck yes. It's going to start another war. Because I had a war with him, do you know that? No, I know that's why I'm poking. It's so great. I'm friends with Brian. I love him, great guy.
Starting point is 01:08:31 Big head, but anyway. You know what I mean? You want to plug anything? My tour right now, nickswardson.net, real nickswardson.instagram, toilet head, that tour through April. It's such a great fucking stand up, dude. Oh, thanks man man I can't believe I'm still doing it I swear to God I'm older you know I just turned 48 Wow yeah insane
Starting point is 01:08:53 I can't believe do I'm 53 you're not are you really yeah are you really I'm 53 I gotta go I know we've done this so long I remember like hearing comics that have been doing it for ten years and I thought that was insane. Yeah, Polly's been doing it what 80 Years probably 40. Yeah, there's me. Yeah 40 plus Yeah, I mean like that's fucking insane. Like how long did Don Rickles did it for literally like 80 years? I mean, yeah, but it's also another thing that we had to do it changed. It changed drastically. Right so you have to change too. Change like what are you saying? Like it's oh it's not about like auditioning now and like you know I mean. No. Or getting the five minute set for the Tonight Show or whatever. Yeah. It's about the internet. Yeah. They kind of
Starting point is 01:09:41 change you know I mean that's how this is happening you know I mean.. Yeah. Well, back in the day for people that don't know talk shows, well, late night talk shows, that was the shit. So you won and we were before like when the tonight show was Johnny Carson and you did one five minute set and your fucking life was over. And like in a good way, I was talking to Mike Binder. He was like, sorry, sorry, Binder goes, sometimes it wouldn't work. Well yeah, it could have the adverse effect. Yeah, it could have the adverse effect.
Starting point is 01:10:10 But if you hit it on The Tonight Show, I mean you're talking about 17 million people, I don't know how many people are watching at one time. Yeah, 20 million people. You become an overnight household name. I mean, Drew Carey did it that way. Louie Anderson. Louie Anderson, he's a good friend of mine. He told me. I mean, can Carrie did it that way Louie Anderson
Starting point is 01:10:30 Friend of mine. He told me I mean, can we talk about Louie? How are you? We talk about Louie? Yeah, Louie was the best he was it was like family to me. Yeah minute both, Minnesota boys Yeah, when did you meet him? I met him when I did Louie Anderson's Comedy Showcase on NBC 1998 and I had been doing stand-up for a year and a half. Do I remember it was you in that scene. Geraldo. Yeah, Geraldo. It was me and Geraldo and somebody else. I saw Zach around a little bit.
Starting point is 01:10:55 Yeah. Gaffer Lacus and I remember I was just like, I mean imagine these are the guys that are your peers. I was not as good at all. You know what I mean? I was watching these guys, I was so intimidated. You guys were so your peers I was not as good at all you know I mean I was watching these guys I was so intimidated you guys were so good I'm so young but you're so good thank you you know anyway you're Jules you have a question for Nick no I'm good I just wanted to say my whole family in the Philippines are a fan of yours oh really nice tell them I said hi have they heard of Jokoi yeah but they don't really care about Jo Koy.
Starting point is 01:11:26 What? They like you more. They like me more? Yeah. Oh wow. Holy shit, man. I gotta go to the Philippines and dethrone Jo Koy. I love Jo. I love Jo too. How? Really? That's wild. Tell them I said hi.
Starting point is 01:11:41 Why? Why what? Well you can just text them. Her family? No, I can't text her family. Yeah, I can text Jo K hi. Why? Why what? When he just text him? Her family? No, I can't text her family. But yeah, I can text Jo Koy, why? Oh no, you're saying tell them to text him. I'm sorry, that was my bad.
Starting point is 01:11:53 I read it. Tell her friend I said hi. Oh, that's what I, yeah, in my mind I don't know why. You know, Joy. Yeah, my mind just. Joe sells the craziest tickets in Hawaii. Everywhere. Well, everywhere.
Starting point is 01:12:07 But like, I remember when he was first started blowing up, and I remember like I saw like OK in Hawaii, so fine for like a hotly. Yeah. But I remember Joe was like sold out. I remember there was like, he sold like 14 shows in a row, like a big theater. At Honolulu, at the Hawaii theater. Yeah. And I was like, no, it wasn't in the Hawaii theater.
Starting point is 01:12:24 We couldn't even sell ours out. It was a different, I want, we did one. I did one and I could barely sell it out. Yeah. Yeah. But I wasn't even in the Hawaiian theater. It was a bigger one. And he, and this was again like right when he was buying and he was sold at like fucking 14 or I was like, holy shit. And again, like Joe's like the nicest funniest. I love him so much. But I've had people like in walk a lot You know me and people oh you do comedy. Yeah, he goes, you know, Joe. Yeah, I'm good friend. Yeah, right I go bitch. I call him right now. Yeah, I don't do that. No. Yeah, that's funny
Starting point is 01:12:57 Yeah, people do that all the time like they did. Oh, yeah, you know, they go are you friends with Sandler and I go yeah Yeah, right. Yeah. Why would I not be? Or I'll be like, like some says, I'm in a small town, and then like, I'll go to an AA meeting. In Montana, I went to this AA meeting that was like, into the desert, right? And it was at a school, there was nothing around.
Starting point is 01:13:23 There was nothing around Yeah, yeah, there's all these old people with like oxygen I'm not kidding you right And so they don't know where the fuck I am. I was talking to some guy and he's like, what do you do? I'm in LA, you know, he goes what do you do? I go I know I do standout and he goes Oh, yeah, you know Kim Stevenson. I got I don't know who I use a little big local guy around here You're like Yeah, Kim I don't know, who? I used to look big local guy around here. You know what I mean? And I'm like. Yeah, Kemp? Kemp? Stevenson?
Starting point is 01:13:52 Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. I hate, but then you can't go, yeah, but I've done, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at my Instagram. And then you can't lie and be like, oh yeah, Kemp Stevenson.
Starting point is 01:14:03 I know. Why do you think I'm here? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Put me into rehab. Would you do that? I've done it before and then people are like, oh, and then they call the person. Oh yeah, yeah, that's not good. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, that's how I met Val Kilmer. But yeah, I just, I don't know, but Joe is great. I don't know where we were headed. The last time time I saw him we were in Denver and he was doing an arena and I just showed up to hang out It's like so I'm like, hey, I'm in Denver and that's right before I ended up on TMZ and the national news for being fucked Up on stage, but we talk about that for a second. Yeah, it's like hold on
Starting point is 01:14:38 Okay, so then I show up and I'm like, I just I just want to hang out Yeah, so Joe's like you got to go on. And I go, fucking no, dude. I'm not going to go on. And he's like, dude, come on. You can do like, just do a guest set. And I'm like, no, I wasn't in the mood. I just flown in and was tired. And he's like, come on.
Starting point is 01:14:54 And I go, OK. How many people? It was like 15,000. And I go, OK, fine. I'll do one joke. And he goes, really? And I go, yeah, I'll just do one. And he's like, OK. And then so I go on stage.
Starting point is 01:15:07 And after my buddy I was with was like, Joe turned to him and goes, he's not just going to do one joke. And my buddy goes, yeah. And I just went on stage, just did one joke. And I just went by and I walked off. And Joe was like, what the fuck? That was so, oh my God. I was like, yeah, I would have laughed so hard. Yeah. Yeah. It was fun. So I didn't want to bring it up. You so hard. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. So I didn't want to bring it up You know, I mean, yeah, it's fine. I know but I'm just saying so something happened. You mean it went a little viral It went a tad viral. I hate talking about talking about it And if you want us to cut it out, we'll cut it out. No, it's fine. I just like talk to the audience
Starting point is 01:15:41 I don't know. Yeah I never fucking asked you about it. I know. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. You're making fun of my hands. You're doing the Adam Levine.
Starting point is 01:15:56 You got addicted to fucking Levine in it. So yeah. So you were in Denver? Yeah, I started my club tour to get ready for the fall tour Right, so I was doing clubs and I went into this gig in Vale, which is 9,000 feet altitude Yeah, so I know better so I flew into Denver to acclimate So I did and I came in had a couple drinks and then we drive up to Vale and I was in such a good mood So I was fired up about my new set, but it was still really new.
Starting point is 01:16:25 So I get to the venue, I go to the hotel, check in, get a couple cocktails, and I'm in Colorado. So somebody's like, hey, do you like edibles? And I go, yeah, but I usually take them before I go to bed. But I was like, fuck it, I'll just do a couple. But I go to the theater, I'm with Ari Maness, who's opening for me, super funny, and we're sitting there, and I forgot my set list, and I and I was like oh shit it's a new set so I'm like
Starting point is 01:16:47 already goes on it's killing and I'm in the back of getting ready and then all of a sudden I don't remember anything so I remember going on stage I remember that and then all of a sudden I just went blank and I didn't have my piece of paper that had my set list so I was like trying to piece it together and edible everything just in one. Infused. Yeah, eye of the tornado. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:17:10 And I was like oh my god. And I just was trying to power through it. After the fact, Ari told me the venue was like we gotta pull Nick. And Ari's like don't pull him. He's like he'll figure it out. Wait, wait. So when you're up there, do you know
Starting point is 01:17:24 you're losing the room? I kept trying to do it, and they were like, what the fuck is Nick doing? And so it was kind of getting- How many people in the audience? I don't know. Probably like maybe 600, 500, 600, I think. But it was, I just remember it being blurry. And I was, I was I kept trying to people were if I remember correctly People were like yeah, come on Nick. Come on, you know
Starting point is 01:17:52 So they remember my fans are so nice, but I think there are other people that didn't know who I was All right, right because they were like So they polled me and then I remember the crowd started booing But I don't think I mean I think some people were booing because they were like what the fuck was that but I think other people were booing because I got pulled. I was like what the fuck why are they pulling it? Yeah yeah yeah but I mean it could have been either or. Who pulled you? The venue they were just like. Wait wait so somebody some random guy? Yeah so one of the guys was like hey you know like you know that I
Starting point is 01:18:20 oh my god you know what walked up. And what did he say to you? Do you remember? No they were like hey what I don't know I actually, you know, walked up. And what did he say to you? Do you remember? No, they were like, hey, what, I don't know. I actually have no idea what he said. But I just remember when I was like, all right. I don't know. How much time were you up there, like 10 minutes? No, I think it was like 15. 15 minutes.
Starting point is 01:18:35 I believe. Wow. And it was my fault. I mean, I just shouldn't have. I was just, the irony is like I was in such a good mood. I didn't like go like Michael Richards or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Start going fucking fuckers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good night, N words or something. Yeah,'t like go like Michael Richards. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Starting point is 01:18:49 Yeah, good night and words and then something yeah, and then the team he got a hold of it So somebody in the crowd videotaped it and then tag TMZ on Twitter and then they called me for a comment And then USA Today called me. Oh wow, and then Yahoo News. I was like, this is not a story I know and then after they told me like that's happened to comedians before yeah But yeah, it was just it was stupid and then I did my shows after lighted Aspen and Denver and they kill Yeah, yeah, and people threw edibles at me on stage. Oh, that's fun fun fun. Yeah, but I mean it was my fault It was stupid. It was a blip. It was a blip man. Yeah. Yeah, we go up dude. Did we go through blips? When's the last time you had a drink? It's almost in January. It'll be three years. Oh, okay. You were never a huge drinker though. I was were you oh, yeah
Starting point is 01:19:30 Was he really? He gets wild. I don't know alone. Oh really you were one of those alone. Yeah. Oh, that's yeah I like being around people So I like just crying you know me oh no all of my yellow sweat You were just a new print pill Little yellow yeah, that was actually so I think something I would say in my early comedy Well bring it back. We'll bring it back new people know what new print is and they don't they don't what were you? What did you drink?
Starting point is 01:20:01 Whiskey, okay stuff like that good lord you have do eyes no you know one time I was in um I was the last time I did Irvine was when I was in a blackout drunk I did a show I drank you know I have vomit a lot right I just wanted to be in my car and I'm on the fucking five you know I mean right I'm just vomiting out that you know I mean out Right. I'm just vomiting out the, you know what I mean? Out the window? No, I opened the door. On the fucking street. I tried, yeah, I tried.
Starting point is 01:20:30 Good God. Yeah, yeah, and just like in my mind I'm like, this is gonna end really badly. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna end really badly. Holy shit. Yeah, and I can only do about five or six of those kind of events
Starting point is 01:20:44 for me to just go, okay, you're done. Yeah, once can only do about five or six of those kind of events for me to just go okay you're done. Yeah once you get behind the wheel that's horrifying. Yeah it's fucking scary. But anyway. Yeah it's really bad. Anyway give Nick a round of applause. That was a fucking great. Thank you so much for doing this. Yeah so thank you for having me. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was a blast. Thank both of you too. Thank you. So many blessings.

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