TigerBelly - Rick Glassman & 1 Million subscribers

Episode Date: September 3, 2025

We celebrate 1 million subscribers with a very special return guest, Rick Glassman. The Comedy Store to get Rick passed live on air. It goes exactly how you’d expect. We chat OCD, zombie apocalypse team, Barbie nails, hell being other people, AI Will Smith, Two Truths & A Lie, pet grief, rich people with bad cars, and the hemorrhoid tory. New players get FIVE HUNDRED SPINS on Huff N’ More Puff over TEN DAYS. Download the app, use code TIGERBELLY, and claim your Spins after your first five dollar wager. Get in the game with DraftKings Casino—home of the largest jackpot win in online casino history. The Crown is Yours.  Go to www.helixsleep.com/belly for 27% Off Sitewide. Exclusive for listeners of TigerBelly. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you!  For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.hims.com/belly 

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Belly fans. No Sososapaya. I'm your Slep King. I appreciate it. The support over the years. I love you deeply and badly. And I miss all of you. And I want to thank you for 1 million subscribers.

That's a milestone. It's a victory. And I appreciate the support. We love you so much. Thank you so much. Namaste. And goodnijua. Why do you say you miss them?

Like, did they leave? I don't know, man. Thank you. We love you. We love you. Oh, you got shiny buff? You got some, but yeah. What color is that?

Is that like a pastel pink? You know what? It's supposed to be natural. It's supposed to be natural. It's not natural. I think it's kind of a pink. It's on the pinkier side. Compare it to his pants.

It seems like the same color. All right. Well, you're being edgy right now and confrontational. And I don't like it. I'm sorry. I just had a cold brew. Oh, no. You just had a failure of sigh.

What's a film? Oh, that was me, even. Oh, no. Come here. I love you. I thought he, I think he'd be doing a movie and not a podcast this month.

Yeah. This is Michael Salation price. He lost funding to his film. How much do you need? Bobby, did you just... Two? Two? Two? What is it two?

A dollar from each bad friend subscriber. Why don't you just... It's crowdsource that. Sorry. So good. I was, I was expecting. and nothing less. Of course.

To be honest, like Bobby called me for the first time in five years, not to actually talk and not, not, uh, shit or me. Everything sat. What happened? Somebody took the money away? Yeah, basically.

One of the investors. Why don't we go through, that's another thing. Why don't we go through bad things and give up go fund here or something? We can. You should call it a go-fund-me, though. Because it sounds like a way a person of your, you would say it. Go-Fung-me?

Go-Fung-me? Go-Fung-me? You said go-fund-me? I didn't, but I'll take, I'll, if you want to put that on me, I'm not going to fight you. Because it's a great pun. Hey, can't edit that in his mouth. No, I said, go-fund me. Bobby, you need to drink water in the morning.

For a long time. What's the fucking going on right here? I just think it's nice if you drink some water. You see him dehydrated? Oh. I didn't even need the mic for that. That was so... Water in a different fucking form.

That sounded insane. You were asking why Superman doesn't want to come to Tiger Belly? No? I do what I want. You do what I want you want. Yeah, yeah. I want the facts of this story, okay? What? They interrupt you.

Let's move on. I'm so sorry, I interrupted you. Hey, E.J. Yeah, yeah. You're fucking fired. Can I get a new one? Thanks. I don't want to get whatever Kalila. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want mine? I can open it for you. That makes it a little bit less desirable for me just because of my things. Oh. God, man. How are you alive? How do you survive in the world? That's the question.

That's my thing. What are the things? Tell us your things. Yeah. Oh, yeah, very good. I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, and when I'm anxious, it becomes worse. And that's pretty much my main thing that makes it difficult for people to be around me. That and I over-communicate, and I could really hog the spotlight sometimes.

Thanks man I did not touch that but somebody at one point touches it there's a delivery man right there's a warehouse worker delivery person yeah okay I got recently diagnosed with OCD

oh yeah and this whole time I was like I don't have that that doesn't make sense for me but now that because I always thought my mom had OCD in symmetry and I thought it looked one way yeah I had no idea that all of like my medical anxieties, the fact that I have to empty my bladder 50 times a day. I have to do that too.

Oh, really? Yeah. Apparently it's an, it's an OCD thing. Before bed, do you pee like maybe six times? Yes. Me too. And if I think there's even a droplet in there, I have to get up. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. And then you just sit on the toilet for a really long time. Pushing. Pushing. Just one drop? Yeah, just one drop. I have OCD too. I know.

I couldn't help do that. You have to do it. I got, she had to fuck. But like bongos. Yeah. Anyway, you know what I do with the OCD? You know what I do? May I share my experience and strength and hope?

Yes. With the people in this room. I fight the anxiety. So like sometimes I'll be at late. Okay. Sometimes I'll be laying in bed at night. You know, my sleepy time? Mm-hmm.

I just go, cool, cuttle the pillow. Bye-bye. And then in my mind I was like I have to touch the fucking back door The front door You know the patio door we have I usually get up and I'll touch it three times We have

What What's we have what You said the patio door we have That's nice I forgot she moved out I forgot she moved out I didn't even clock that at all You didn't clock it? Yeah I am right the one we

Yeah, we used to have. We used to have. Sorry, we used to. When I talk about my dog sometimes and somebody asks me a question, I say, well, we, like, meaning me and the family I have that takes care of this dog. Yeah. And then I really. Like you and the dog?

No, no, like, no. Like, is the dog, what's the dog? Well, we think he's a pug and chihuahua. But I say we as if, like, I have somebody who also thinks that. Do you have someone, Rick? I wish you hadn't called that out I'm a little mad about it Let's move on

I mean no I'm just Let's draw to attention That you called that out In a sweet way I thought that was sweet Because you guys are still Nobody wanted to call that out right Andres You're still partners He calls it out

Yeah yeah It was kind And gentle Have you been here the whole time Sorry I just Yeah yeah I like your pants She's gone

You know what Oh they're pink They're pink yeah Cute Like my nails. Yeah, like his nails. They match the nails. Wow.

Did they seem pink? I thought they were natural. They're not natural. They're definitely more on the Barbie pink side. Really? Is that anything that you guys know about? I think those are considered like soap nails. That's the trend.

Soppy nails? Soapy nails. It's like what brides choose, the color. Oh, God. Because I ask for natural. Now have Barbie fucking nails. What the fuck is going on around here? You got butthole nails.

I got fucking Marilyn Manson feet. Oh. Did you have to take your ribs out to make that angle? We'll be right back. Would that be a good spot? That'd be a good commercial break right there. Too early? Yeah, yeah.

Let me know around when it is, and I'll find you a good edit. Okay. Okay. I mean, let's get into it. How much time do we have left? What? Hey, Rick. Yes?

Papa? Yes. Yeah? If you were to drink a five-hour energy, what would happen? I would feel a little anxious. I would feel a little. That's why when I'm looking to get caffeinated, I take a magic mind. Go to magicmind.com slash Rick for 50% off you for next quarter.

Stop doing that. You know what I mean? Plugging your products here. I like magic mind, though. It's really good. Magic mind's pretty good. Way better than that stuff. Yeah, plug it, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took one before this. Really? And look at this. Do you have some magic minds on you? I have them at home. Okay. The little, they're like this big, right?

Well, you know. Yeah, yeah. They start that way My penis grows Same joke I got there faster and better Yeah that was That was faster

Damn it You know I just woke up I'm a second slow You need a magic mind I need a magic mind I'm a second Do you see that I'm a second slow Second slow

What do you think? It's fine It's fine? Okay Compared to what You know Technically if we're looking At the physics of the universe

If you maybe Are running really fast You might be a little bit Like a flash Yeah Time will be a little bit Different for you Oh it's super magic

did that in the first movie. The very, very, right? I think it was a second one when lowest dies. Second one. It's the first one where... I believe you. The second was... I believe you. Okay. Okay. Oh, he's cute. Who's he? Oh, thanks. That's Superman. Which one are you talking about? Oh, um, you know. Superman. Yeah. Yeah. Can we find a lower resolution image? Yeah. Yeah. You are very handsome. Yeah, you've got great teeth. Yeah. I know. I said a couple of times. That feels great. I think I've always felt that, but it's like, I can't say, don't you think he's handsome?

Yeah, of course. I've always thought that well, because every time I meet one of your girlfriends in the past, what have been? One of them. Do you have multiple? He's had a couple, several, 20 years. Yeah. Yeah, so I go, God, she's hot.

And in my mind, I get angry because it's a level that I can't. You never have. Well, one time. But you lost it. Yeah, yeah, I lost it. But you know what? You guys still have the same back. When we used to have a back door. I got their second head.

Your head again, dude. I'm so slow today. Will you not be that fast? Maybe it's your speed is too fast. I think, based on whatever your speed is, if that's also why you are the energy, this is the nicest you've ever been to me. I would love if you, you're usually really slow.

I'm really... But now you're only a little slow and you're nicer. So if he was more slow... Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you were here. Yeah. What were you saying? I'm still here.

Say it again? No worries. I was just saying, so if he was really slow, would he be more nice? I don't know. Normally, the slower he is, the meaner he is. But I think it's... I think I'm... Can I just say this?

On my own defense? On my own behalf, if I may. That I've been nicer. I've been coming nicer. You think that's because you got your hair cut shorter? No. I think in the last six months, do you think, or no? Why?

There's some big. Yes. Has it been in Contra's choice, or have you just been happy? Contra choice? I deserve that I could take it I could take it You're fast but sometimes you're not clear

There's other sentences Yeah What? I thought I knew what you're going to say Nothing Because you're trying to be fast And I don't like it I actually am trying to slow down

Because slow it down guys Yeah Okay Yeah but I have becoming nice I don't know what it is I don't know what the reason why Is I think that I think age has a

Why do you drink it like the Hulk That is crazy though It's smashed Water. That's Asian cult. I'm foreshadowing later in the episode. We're going to throw up my Bruce Banner of my stand-up tour.

Okay. Amazing. How's that going? Your tour? Oh, wow. Look at you. You just cross them out? I think people have a calendar and they know what dates are. You know what I mean? So if it's August 24, they're like, oh, I missed it. You don't have to cross it out. I like those sunglasses.

Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. It's kind of like a Ferris Bueller kind of situation. Yeah, you think so. Except for I'm not, I'm not taking a day off. Yeah, and you're not. I'll be in North Charleston, Detroit, Michigan, Atlanta, Georgia, Raleigh, North Carolina, Toronto, Ontario, Buffalo, New York, New York, New York, Brooklyn, New York, and Los Vegas, Nevada. Where can we get tickets? You can get a punch-up.com. We don't do it. How? Wait, should we introduce the room? A cat, you just got here. I didn't have to do it. Yeah, yeah. You're a new person. You say introduce the room. Do you mean like, you know, on Keys, we have Bobby Lee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Colletta, what's going on with you? You're a little quiet? I'm listening. I'm just... But you were on the phone for a second, you know? I was trying to figure out what that gas station drink is that all the kids are addicted to. Oh, Kratom.

Six, seven. Yes, Kratum, but what is the name of it? Free, feel free. Feel free, that's what it is. The blue bottle, right? It's disastrous. I haven't had it. I've had it before.

Is it good? Did you feel like some type of way? Oh, my God. It fucked my body up. In what way? Cut to the clip of his Zempsic stuff. Yeah, my extreme constipation was because of that. Wow.

Did you drink it just once? Because there's kava in it, that's why. Kava, like, the flower? Yeah. Do you know about it? Kaffa's like weed a little bit, right? No. Oh.

Just relax because of like a numbness in your body, but not a, it's not a time. Like Kava as in, like, Hawaiian, like, ceremonial stuff? Yeah. But that's cute. For sure. Okay, what do you mean? Hi. I don't think it's a kava that gives you issues, though.

Yeah, I don't know. I drank it one time and fuck my body out. What was the side effects? Did you feel nice? I just... Other than constipated. Oh, you think that's why I'm nice now? Because I took that one fucking feel for you, like six months ago?

Maybe. Get your mind together, man. Okay. You do one big show with Theo Vaughn and now it's like... I did it. You did a show with Theo Vaughan? She opened for Theo at 20,000 seats at the Honda Center. That's incredible, Kat.

Thank you so much. Could we hear what your opening joke was? Yeah, yeah. We were like, welcome to the show, Theo Fonda. Who's the Republican? And what's your first line? I'm gay. No, I just have a stupid name joke that I say.

Oh, you don't want to give it away because it's an example. Yeah, it's kind of, you know, it's what it's there's. But I have a joke where. where I say the R word, and that got like a standing ovation. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of the idea. That's, yeah. Well, that's the mentality of the world right now. Retarded.

Ooh, maybe bleep that out. We're not that kind of podcast. I'll tell you that right now. We were on Monday. A lot of that on Monday. What was Monday? Yeah. We had a podcast Monday, and there was a lot of things going on.

That was a little too edgy. Do you think it's worth challenging that mentality? Or I should say mentality challenged. Yeah. I think we should challenge it. Good. And I think that we should correct our ways. Just to not say it anymore?

Bobby, what is that? Helicopter. Oh, I thought you were going to say the plane. Is it a plane? Yeah. The plane, the plane. I love that bit. But you know what?

Show that's from? Yeah. What? It's a show where they're all on the island. Yes. What's it called? Oh, lost? Gilligan's Island?

Man? No. I forget the name. You don't know? But I know the thing. The plane, the plane. Is it not Gillian's Island? I thought it was Gilligan.

It's not Gilligan's Island. No. There's a dwarf. Can I say that? Goldverse travel? I think dwarf is actually the correct moment. Yeah, clearly. It's this little brown Puerto Rican dwarf.

The plane. The plane. I forgot. It's Fantasy Island. Fantasy Island. Fantasy Island. Are they remaking that with Kevin Hart? They already did it.

They did a movie called Fantasy Island. Is he the... Look at that. Where do you find that guy? Puerto Rico. Yeah. Do you write that... I mean, is there a writer going, okay, we need a dwarf who has...

You know what I mean? Who's Puerto Rican? Wait, is Kevin Hart playing that character? He plays his shadow, doesn't he? Oh, he's doing here. Don't do my jokes here. He's burning them off. If you want to see my jokes, I guess you could go to punchup.

.live slash Rick Glassman to find out when I'll be in your city. You also sign up for my email list. If I'm within 50 miles of your city, I'll let you know. October 3rd, Georgia. Too many dates for people to remember. Just look at those. Just go to the, yeah. Are you playing clubs?

Yeah, what do you think I'm playing theaters? No, but how are they, because you don't usually do the road. I started, my first proper tour, I started last, this is the continuation from last year. So how did it feel when you were out there? Are you nervous? I love stand up more than I've ever loved it. Wow. More than I've ever loved it.

Why haven't you a big regular yet? I don't know, man, you told me years ago. everyone has their challenges at there's certain places and just to be grateful for the acceptance that you have where you are and to be honest with you I said that I would love to be at the comedy store I feel I deserve it but I don't feel entitled to it and it is what it is I still have that t-shirt by the way not a paid regular not passed at the comedy store not past yeah why do why do you have to correct her right now what's wrong Play it

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Heelix sleep for your sleep, baby. I have three bedrooms at home, and I have a helix sleep mattress in every room. Do you know why? If guests come over and people come over, I want. them to sleep with the best sleep they could possibly have, you know what I mean? Doesn't it feel like an upgrade from all the other previous mattresses you've had? Listen, I'm a pretty difficult sleeper. I sleep on my side, plus I run really hot. It's really easy. You take a quiz and I got matched with a midnight mattress. Doesn't the quiz take like a lot of these places that's like 20, 30 minutes

to finish the quiz? Nope. It's just a couple questions, Rick, and then they tell you the perfect cloud you need to sleep on. And for me, it's a midnight mattress. For your sleep. And then you can upgrade to a luxe version of that. Yeah, but then you have to go to the store and pick it up. You don't. Everything is shipped right to your door. Is there a money back guarantee? Absolutely.

For what? Like a week? A hundred days. Wait a minute. You could sleep on this thing for three months and then return it at no cost? No cost to you. I'm telling you something. The only thing I won't sleep on is this deal.

Because you could go to helixleep.com slash belly for 27% off sitewide, exclusive for our listeners of Tiger Belly. That's helixleep.com slash belly for 27% off sitewide, exclusive for our Tiger Belly listeners. Make sure to enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. Again, that's two, three, four. Helixleaf, helixleaf.com slash belly. Why'd you have to correct her right now? What's wrong?

That's not a weird correction. That's what he said not passed at the comedy store. Is there a ghost in here? Rick is not passed at the comedy store. This sounds like the music when Bruce Banner is walking away, doesn't it? Yeah. To me, like, leaving the comedy store parking lock because I'm not a lot of park there, looking back.

Yeah, where do you park? 25 bucks up top. And I get a validation sticker, the only validation I've ever gotten from that place where I get $10 off. You pack $25? So 15. So I just park.

I'll show you where I park. I used to do that too when I was doing the open mics. Should we call Rose right now? Okay. Okay. Never mind. Should we call Rose right now live? Yeah.

Should you try to get you passed? Yeah. Oh, that would be in. But do I say that you're in the room or not? No. Absolutely. Wait. I think this could go against you

if she finds out and then you don't... Well, you ask after the fact you could edit it. No, no, no. If I call her and I go, and I go, hey, Rose, what do you think of a red glass man?

And she doesn't know your hair and then she goes off on you? I wouldn't frame the person that way. I wouldn't frame it that way. This could only go back. I don't like the idea of pranking somebody. I do like the idea of putting them on the spot. Yeah, I think putting her on the spot,

but also just not saying like why I would say like, hey, I think it's crazy that Rick Glassman isn't passed. That's how you should say it. But do I say that you could say he's in the room? Yeah. And then you can tell all my tour dates. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I feel uncomfortable. Do you feel uncomfortable? You know, Will Smith says, I'm going to call you out too. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If we do it, we do it.

No. Life starts outside your comfort zone. No. Let's do it. Life starts outside your comfort sound. Will Smith? I think that's right. About what?

Not do it. No, I think you should. What do you, cat? Cat. You know what? Hey, I have an idea. I have an idea. Cat, you can keep parking up on King Street.

Okay. Or, Bobby could call and ask if you could start parking in the lot. No, I don't want that. I'm fine with the wall. Can we do that? I want this. I want you to call her. Are you out of your mind?

I agree. Yeah. I'm almost 30 years old. Get me fucking past at the company store. And I tell her Tiger Bellet hit one million subscribers on YouTube. Thank you. I'm going to. Other than she's on tiger belly, though.

Yeah, just say that. Okay. I'm going to ask. Your posture change. Are you really nervous? I think you're scared. I'm scared. Because I'm trying to protect you.

No, Grick doesn't get a shit. What's he going to do? Stop giving me the $10 validation? Yeah, yeah. By the way, I like Rose. I think Rose likes me. This is the first time I've had a chance. Okay, here.

I know how to do it. We'll let her know you're on the podcast, though. First, I want to say that. Say we've got a million subscribers on YouTube. Thank our fans. Congratulations. This is brought to you by Magic Mind. Are you mad at me?

No, Rose. I love you. You're on Tiger Belly, my podcast. Oh, hi. Hi. We just hit a million subscribers. Awesome. I think you're doing a great job for the comedy store, by the way.

Thank you. I appreciate that. And I don't know why you would think that I was mad at you. Why would you think that? I just got a phone call and I just got really hot. I was like, oh, God. Did I fuck something up? No, so we have Catbird here on the pod.

Hi, Rose. This is not my... Hi, Cat. I love her. Yeah, I know you do. And I think that you're the one that really pushed her. And now that she's on Tiger Belly, she's her fourth episode now, right? Yeah.

Yeah, she's doing great. What's her path to become a paid regular? Okay. You know that? Do you think? Cat's path? No, when do you think? A year or two, you think two years away?

No. For cat? Yeah. No, less than a year. Whoa. Fancy. Less than a year. I need cat.

I need cat at the store. I need her a little longer. But she's there. She's already there. I know she's there. I know she's that. She's one of the hardest workers. When we went down to La Jolla after her 20-minute set for the sunset takeover,

she's writing notes after her set. Like she's, you know, she's just always working. She's always writing. I really appreciate her work ethic And she does the damn thing She's blushing She's blushing right now Yeah

She gets laughing so fast I know I love her We all love her She just did a Theo show At the Honda Center She's fantastic Yeah She's awesome

Now you guys got her on the pod too I'm sure people love her Yeah And now I'm gonna talk about something A little bit more uncomfortable Okay Oh God Oh God

And he's here Um Oh God We have Rick Glassman here Oh, Jesus, fuck I don't like that Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah

Why are you cancel your spots, Rick? Oh Why do you catch your spots, Rick? It was one spot. Yeah, why did you do it? Yeah, he canceled it this last Saturday. Yeah, and she's well aware of it. Yeah, yeah, and what's your excuse?

I had a personal, personal reason. Yeah, yeah. His sister died. I don't want you to talk about that on here, please. Okay. Oh, I'm so sorry. There's only one thing she ever wanted for me, too. Yeah.

That was to be passed at the comedy store. Is that what? Listen, I think Rick is hilarious. But I never see Rick on stage. I never get to see him on. I'm there two, three days a week when other comedians book me on their shows. I'm there all the time. I don't watch those shows.

Well, would you like me to send you an invitation? I don't watch them. Well, then what is me being there? You gotta go on live from the belly room so I could see you. Yeah. Okay. So the next time Rick's there, he's going to check him. But let me just say something, Rose.

He's on the rise. He's there. I know he is. Okay. I've known Rick for a long. I think I find him very funny. Oh, you've seen me? Oh, he's on the rise.

I need to sell tickets, dude. I got to sell tickets. Yeah, well, then go to punchup. com slash Rick Glassman because I'm selling them out. Yeah. So the next show he does, just go check him out. Yeah, that would be great. Okay?

I will. I will check them out. But listen, I have so many shows that I have to check. I have to look at my own door guys. Just say you don't want me there. I got hundreds of hundreds of fails every day I got it. It's fucking disgusting. Really, whatever.

Rose, it was a pleasure. Anything you want to plug? Or I love you, Rose. Love you, too. Bye. Dude, I'll be honest with you. I felt it would be funny. if you called. I didn't think I would get triggered.

Fuck that. For real. Why do we? No, she means it. See me for the eight minutes set live. I've done that. I've done that for 15 years. I will say I've done that for 15 years. In defense of Rick, and I don't know, Rose, I also don't know what goes on in a comedy store. As an outsider, that was a weird thing to say.

I don't see you and I don't watch you, but also I think you're, it was all, yeah, it was fair. I'm there two, three days a week. I just saw you there the other day. I do shows there all the time. And there's somebody else there who works. There's like, hey, I see you're doing your live podcasts of places or live shows.

Would you ever do comedy? I didn't want to call. You didn't want to call. You didn't do anything wrong. You're so bullshit. I said, this is your fault, bitch. It's my fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is only going to be bad. I'm happy to have the information. Oh, it's not bad for you, is it bad for you? I know. It's good for you. This is bullshit. It was great. Catbird wins.

No, I didn't want to win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm happy to have the information. I'm just surprised by it. I think this is going to get the ball rolling. That's my point. Oh, get fucked. I'm almost 30.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this is going to get the ball rolling. Here's another thing. The way I see myself, which I understand is probably pretty inflated. Yeah. But the way I see myself and me as a stand-up comedian, I'm like, I'm fucking so funny. You are! There's no one like you.

What the fuck? I know. I understand. Oh, I haven't seen you. By the way, she has. see me. I do it all the fucking time. Why did we call? Because I wanted to know. I'm happy to hear firsthand that I'm not going to get past there. No, you're not, you are.

You are going to get past it. I love that place. It sucks how much I love that place. I know. You're going to get past. I'm going to make it. This is now my. Okay.

It's at school. All right. I don't why I'm standing. He's going to. I don't. Also, by the way, hey, Rose, just say, I don't really think Rick's good for the place. I haven't seen him. You've seen me.

We've been there since I was nine years old when I met you. You can't cancel. Nine years old. Why did you cancel? I had a personal thing going on. I don't want to talk about. I'm talking about your sister, by the way. I never. I've canceled, and I know this number.

I've canceled five times since I dated Jackie Tone. Because I remember this was like... That's one week for you. Who's Jackie? An ex of mine that when we first started dating... I love her. What's that? I love her.

Still one of my best friends. Let's move on. But when we first started dating, I canceled a show, and I felt really bad after the fact. And I said, never do that. and I've counted how many times I've canceled shows. Five. Are you still selling that sweatshirt?

I'm going to keep selling it. We've got to keep selling it. You've got to pull it back up. Okay. Not past at the comedy store. This is the worst idea ever. I'm really glad I have the information because I really thought, oh, Rose, finally, you know, now I'm going to get past.

We've got a new person who likes me. You're going to get past now because of the call. Yeah. You'll see. I'm going to make it, listen, I'm going to make it my neck. Stop. I'm going to make it my. next goal to get you passed at the comedy store.

That's my lifelong... What was your number one goal that now is now number two? Yeah, yeah. What? To work out. So now... Damn, Rick. Now he's not going to work out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm not going to work out. I'm going to die.

You know, the biggest gym is E-O-R, so I appreciate that. Yeah. So, no, that's my number one goal is to get you passed. And what's your strategy? Talking about it. My strategy is this. To her? This is my strategy. my strategy is this back in the days of the comedy store in the 70s and 80s right

there was more experimental things going on like last night Lance Kansopoulos went up you know him yeah very well yeah yeah and I don't know the pod Lance yeah yeah yeah and it was a weird set you know I mean but what I loved about it is it's a break from traditional you know I mean joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke you know I mean like I don't think you do that I think that you give us more of a Kaufman vibe it's more

you're so original and so you and present that I think that we need stuff like that at the store to break it up like because back in the day we used to have

a ventriloquist like Willie Tyler and Lester right you'd have Harry Basil a prop guy you know I mean and we don't have it's all traditional stand up stand up stand up

I'll fill the place of the ventrilochrist and the prop guy You're unique I just got divorced I appreciate it I haven't it's fine It's fine That's not what I was doing

My self-esteem isn't lower I'm just frustrated that I can't work out at a place Look at the kids you're doing Look at that handsome guy there Yeah yeah yeah You don't even like guys Oh. Yeah.

You wench? What the hell? Which I didn't even know until you told me your opener. What? I like guys? You said when you were doing how you opened the Ovan, you said, hey, Republicans, I'm gay or something. Yeah, that was, I didn't actually say that.

Yeah, it was a joke. That's not her opener. Yeah, but you're gay. I'm not gay. No, she's not gay. You're not gay? I'm not gay. All right.

So anyway, I think that you pushed it too. to call? Absolutely. Do you think it was a mistake? No. Yes. I don't think it made anything worse. I think I got information that I did have.

I think it made things better. I don't think I don't think this call is going to change anything. I think she has seen me many times. Um. I guess it's something, it's information I could have used that didn't have to be for show like this, but here we are. You pushed it.

Did you not? I absolutely did. And also, I think, your idea. Let's end. You said we should call her. You knew it was a bad idea. You knew it. Yeah, but she has a way of, she's a fucking rum.

Rumpal Silsk. I support, I honestly support annoying information. I think this was good for him. I would like to know the truth. Because like living in that limbo of being like, you know what, I think I have it. And I have, I've been around for so long and I love this place and all my peers are going up. And for some reason, I feel left behind.

I'd like to know why. And for me, she didn't give that information. She didn't give a time line. She did by omitting it. Exactly. She omitted something. She wasn't direct with it. She was also on the spot in front of the person.

I get it. I don't blame her for that. I just want to better understand. I think, yeah. It probably a conversation outside of the studio would be warranted, but... No, on air. Then why did you push it? Anyway, let's move on.

But anyway. You're right. You're right. I think at the end of it, it's healthy and good. Oh, look, that's you, Rick. Yeah. And Paul Rudd. Paul Redd, it looks, it's very sammy in that color.

Yeah. Very sammy. Oh. It's my assistant. It's so funny. That's so funny. It's fucking nuts. Oh my gosh.

That looks so. I'm shocked to you. Let me post this. These are bits. Oh, look at that. You did bits. You did bits. Is that chocolate milk that you?

How did Paul agree to that? I don't know. Ask Rose. What was the? Call her. I knew. I knew who's going to affect it. Now it's in your fucking heart and your mind.

It's a, yeah, let's let it go. Okay, take it off. Yeah, he says take it off. All right, any, what's up, Andreas? You're concerned? No, I just love it. No, I just love it. I just love it.

More more more, more. I love it. Andreas, I have a question for you. Yes. How long have you known, Bobby? Since 2012. How do you feel about him calling you Andreas for, since 2012? I, yeah.

I think he does it as a, you know, it's my nickname. It started as him not really knowing my name, and now that he, after 10 years of working together, he still doesn't know my name. Andres. I think it's good. Oh, look at these kids. I know your name.

It's like how my mom keeps calling it Jopalte. Exactly. I know I'm just stuck on the way I've been saying it. Yeah. And then I just thought, you know, we'll just commit to it. Yeah. Yeah. But it's more of an endearing.

thing, not making fun of you thing. I love him that much. It's a cutesy thing that I do. You know. Two million dollar question. Do you ever? Not that much. He lost me, but not that much.

Do you ever call Bobby something different that's nice? Oh, he's mean to me, dude. Do you call him booby? No, I just call him boss. No. We don't treat me like a boss. You don't treat me like a boss. You call him hefe?

Hefe. Hefe. No, he's the one guy that really drills into me at the bad friends. Yeah, he really, some real zingers. You know what I mean? And he laughs like a hyena. And sometimes, you know, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts.

Andreas. Rosande. Rosande. Mm-hmm. Hems for your hair. Hems for your hair, baby. Oh, he's for your hair. Oh, baby, here's for your hair.

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And, you know, if you have... Doesn't that, like, if you're going to have sex with a girl or a guy, do you want to wait three to six months? No, that's for the hair. Oh, how fast is the boners help then? Pretty quick. Pretty quickly, dude. Pretty quick. Yeah.

Are there any hidden fees? It's instantaneous, dude. No hidden fees. Any surprise costs? Yeah. Just real personalized care, Rick, and on your schedule. I'd like to think of Hymns is my digital front door that gets back to me to my old self with It's simple 100% online access to trust the treatments for health concerns all in one place.

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hymns for your head your penis and sometimes you know it hurts sometimes it hurts andreas Rosande

Rosende Yeah Did you see weapons? I haven't seen it, no Okay I did I did see Damon Wayne's Jr. make a post where he posted the poster of weapons

And he said that's how it looks like When the cold brew hits And he has to take a poopie Oh I just took it He's one of my favorite His Instagram stories They almost always hit

Good So shout out to Damon Wayne's Jr. Yeah And his Instagram stories Nice kid, too. Oh, yeah. Did you work with him? We were friends.

We've done shows together in podcasts, but I've never done like a paid TV show with them. What have you worked with him? I tested for New Girl. And he was... So he got it? No. Zoe got it, yeah. Who did you test for?

The one that Damon Wins Jr. got. Coach? Coach, yeah. And it was him and me. It's fine. But that's how I met him. And then we've been, for instance. And then he went off to do happy endings

so they cast LeMorne, which I'm actually wearing a long sleeve out of respect to how LeMorne did because he said it was so cold in here. Yeah. Lamorne's a good kid. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, I love Damon Wins Jr. I don't follow him in. Anyway, it's good. He's a good tweeter. Go ahead. What's a sticker? Are they acne patches?

I got nervous when we called Rose, so I started putting stickers on my face. Maybe that's what I was. I should do to get past in a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like you're mad at me, Rick, and I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Really?

Yes. People say that to me sometimes, and I must be giving off something that I didn't know. Well, you called me an open micer and told me to park on the hill. That's not what I meant. Can I explain that? Because I understand how you took it that way. I literally said that's where you park. Yeah.

And I literally meant there was no subject to that. I'm like, I used to park there too, like 15 years ago. I don't want to park there anymore. Okay. I wasn't putting that, honest to goodness, I'm so sorry, I wasn't making, like, you're an open micer by any means. You're going to get passed away before me. I was saying, I was saying I'm done, I'm done parking there. I don't want to, I would rather pay $15 than have to take a 12-minute uphill walk. Yeah, totally, I get that. All I meant by that. And I'm glad you brought that to my attention, and I do apologize. And you know what? For, um, solidarity. Solidarity, yes. A little panda. Oh. Okay. Can I put it on?

Thank you That's awesome That's awesome Oh man That's not what I meant Sorry about that Oh don't worry I'm over it now

Okay They should have acne patches That have More than star They do They do Starface has all the Aliens

Has all like The different Cartoon ones When I go to CVS They don't have it there I get all the PR packages You want some

Yeah Yeah I like little stickers Starface is so cute I hate that I would never That's so condescending. I don't compare myself to people better or worse.

Like, oh, I'll fucking open my... It's okay. I really... But you know what Katbert said before you got here? No, what did I say? You go, I don't know if a classman even knows my name. We just did a show at the Laugh Factory together. Yeah, I know, but sometimes you do shows with people and they don't know who you are.

Yeah, I know who you are. Oh. At first, when I was hearing your name around town, I thought you were a WMBA player, I'll be honest. But that was like more than a year ago. Because of Larry Bird? Yeah. Oh, that'd be cool.

No, because a cat... Williams. Isn't there a cat bird or a woman basketball player bird? Caitlin Clark is... There is Sue Bird. There is Sue Bird. That's good reference. Yeah.

For specific and obscure. Was there a half an extra syllable in that reference? How do you say it? Reference? What? You said it like it was a show. Reference. Like severance?

I don't even know what you're saying. Well, I'm out of it when it comes to that. Yeah, it's pure. It's pure insanity. But good for you. What was the last time you guys did a podcast together? It's been a while. Probably, I'll tell you when the last time we did a podcast was.

It was January, 20. 2024. Wow. It's been a year. Have you asked him a bunch since? Been almost two. Since 24? Have I what?

Have you texted him a bunch to get him on your podcast? I don't text him too much anymore. One out of every ten times I see him at the comedy store. Rose has watched me. I say, hey man, do you want a podcast? He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think, all right.

I do. When I say it, I do. All right. Well, let's figure out of the day I don't. You know? Figure out of time. It shifts. Wait, Rick, will you explain the Will Smith AI thing?

It's my understanding that people have taken screen grabs and AI'd. Can I say AI'd? Is that racist? Yeah, that sounds good. We're talking about practice here. They took images that weren't part of the video and added stuff to that. And then kind of that. Spirled.

But if you watch the original posted video, you don't see those things. But did Will Smith post it? No. Will Smith has done nothing wrong other than. Yeah. He shouldn't have slapped Chris Rock. Yeah.

That was bad. I think it'll forever haunt him. Yeah. There's no going back. It's hard to go back. Yeah. It's so crazy. He's done so much.

Do you remember I was, we were living together when that happened, remember? And you're like, you can never forget. Oh. Sometimes it still feels like it's your back porch door. Because he said, we remember, at the beginning. Yeah, I do remember. I have cognitive ability. Okay.

Yeah, you remember when you, and then you, I remember you. Because I was watching it live. You're watching it live and you screamed. And my mom and I screamed. We were like, and I ran out to see it. And we were in shock. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll never forget that. I was with, I was at Morton Steakhouse with my brother. in Beverly Hills when Barack Obama won. Won what? What? One what? An Oscar.

Yeah, an Oscar, yeah. Thank you. I thought that was Hallie Berry. I meant 2008 or 2012. I meant Denzel. It was Denzel, actually. Sorry, my bad. Was that for Monster?

Yeah. Good one. I love Hallie Berry. Okay. And I remember, I couldn't believe, I was in the bar area and when he was doing his little speech,

That little pretty big You know what I mean In Chicago And it was like I cried Did you vote that year? You know what? You doing this I did actually

What year was this? 2008 or 2012? Eight the first one Oh wait Yeah yeah Great year. Great year to Great time

It was Well That was a lot of That was a great time in my life There's a lot of bad stuff going on in the In the economy then Oh wait

Oh yeah The housing crisis But it was a good time To buy Bitcoin Okay I didn't even know had Bitcoin. He didn't.

That's when it came out. Oh. Really? 2008. Amazing. Go ahead. Nope, Bobby, one sec. It's fun.

It's just fun. Hey, who's that actor that played Batman, but he was in that economic movie, you know, the Christian. Christian Bale. Yeah. Was that about, what was that movie? The Big Short? Yeah, that was about.

Was that about? Yeah. How did you not know Christian Bales' name? Economic movie. The big short. is an economic movie? Is it not? Yeah.

It's about the... Housing crisis. Yeah, yeah. It's a picture, yeah. Great movie. Great movie. Is it Soderberg? Who did that?

No, it was... No, it's Will Farrell. Anyway, great movie. There's a lot of handsome men in there. Empire the Sun. You got to watch that movie. Okay. Christian Bale is a kid in it.

I've talked about it before. It's Stephen Spielberg movie. And it's highly underrated. Okay. Look up Christian Bail. in Empire of the Sun. Hey, is he a nice guy, Christian Bill? He seemed, you know what I love about him?

He drives that really terrible car, like a... People love when rich people drive a bad car, and people love when people know how to do sign language. I think people think that people who do ASL or drive a bad car are good people inherently, and that doesn't mean that they are or they aren't. And you could quote me on that. You think he purposely is like, you know, I'm going to...

I don't think he's like, you know, I'm such a good guy. I don't think I want to get that for... That's Christian Bill. You show it in Empire of the Sun. Yeah, I have a question for you guys. Okay, let's move on. What's worse? Someone extremely rich flaunting their wealth with rich car, with expensive cars, expensive homes, lavish lifestyle,

or someone extremely rich, cosplaying poverty. Someone, oh, I think it's... Cosplaying, you know what I mean? I don't even think the first one is, if you have a lot of money and you want to buy stuff, buy stuff. But you're like obnoxious about it, right? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, like you're... It's obnoxious about it, having a big house?

No, no, no, like constantly talking about it. about it wearing, you know. Yeah, you're just like, I'm rich. Yeah, this is no exit. I'm, what? A sart play. This, no exit? Yeah, this is what it feels like.

You know that's a play? No. You know it's even darker than that? Like an escape room? No, no. You know the play, the homecoming? No. It's even worse.

Can we talk about no exit first? I think that's what the problem is today. Is that how you felt after you had that kava flower? Real good callback. It didn't Hell Rose It didn't hit the way Yeah, okay

Do you know what No exit No I don't know I think it's four people in hell Three people Thank you EJ Fucking nerd Nerd

Nerd It's three people in hell And they're in a room Right stuck in a room EJ can you You know And there's just Three different types of personalities

Right Oh is that John Paul Sarte Yeah Yeah Yeah That's awesome I said it wrong? No, I didn't even hear you say it.

Sarte. Sartre. Yeah, I don't know. And the last line of the play is, hell is other people. It's kind of like home is where your hat is, but the opposite perspective. Is it home is where your hat is? Home is where you hang your hat. Oh, I thought home is where your heart is.

There's more than one. Yeah. Sean Paul Sartre. Can we go back to, can we go back to like? begins at the edge of your comfort zone who created that quote because he said it's will smith i want to see i want to fact i don't know if i want to fact check that's the first time i heard it who do you think said it bobby i don't know but i would never claim you know me to know who originally said it if i don't know because it's an important it's a very good quote

yeah yeah that's where i first heard it okay but that can justify a lot of bad things like if your comfort zone is to like, like, commit a crime, or like your fears to commit a crime, right? Yeah, but I think the implication is if it doesn't cross your values. Oh, okay. And if it's the difference between not being out of the comfort zone versus a boundary. But like if it's something that you're, the only reason you're not doing is because of fear of like insecurity

or that you're not good enough or that something might happen that, like, is, that you don't want to gamble. But like I said, like, it's like, well, I'd be really uncomfortable to punch Bobby in the face, but that's me playing with Bobby's money. You know what I'm saying? I can't make that choice for him. When you rob a bank, you're getting in the way of other people.

Neil Donald Walsh. First said it. Who was he? I don't know. Life begins at the end of your comforts. He was one of the writers I think of Fresh Prince, right? Yeah, oh yeah, so he stole it from, okay. I think he took that from Will. Wow. Hey, did you ever see that movie

Seven Pounds with Will Smith? What was it about? I'm not totally sure. It was about like people dying or him dying or something, right? Yeah. Oh, that's not about the one with a blue ring octopus, is it? Was it a Will Smith movie where it all comes down to the blue ring octopus? I don't make this up?

I think you have COVID. I think you have COVID. Please look it up. I'm not crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Type in Will Smith. I've never heard that before. I've never heard of that before.

Why? What did you check? It is from seven pounds? It's from seven pounds. It's from seven pounds. Oh, it is from seven pounds. And you don't remember that scene? I don't remember the blue one.

Why would you even bring it up then that you like it? Because I just thought that was a nice movie. Yeah. Yeah. I'm now starting to feel at ease. I think my magic mind just kicked in. Oh, really? Yeah.

We don't have to start over, but can we make this episode long? we were doing fine before yeah yeah yeah I don't know you said no exit hell hell is other people is what you said yeah I did say that yeah yeah have you ever played two truths and a lie yes oh yeah no you want to play it now okay okay how do you play it okay so I say you say tooth truths and a lie tooth truths and a lie no no no no Bobby two truths and a lie you say three things and people have to guess which one's the lie. Oh, no. And there can only be one lie, no more, no less. Okay, so you start.

Okay. I have ginger vitus on my feet. Okay. I have foot fungus in my mouth. Right? And my fingers are stiff. You have, the mouth thing is fake. You're supposed to say two truths. There's already two lies.

Oh. You did the opposite. I did the opposite. Oh, your fingers aren't stiff. Yeah, my fingers are. Are like super stiff. My figure are a little stiff. Shiny buff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I did it. You go now. No, you didn't do it. You didn't do it at all. All right. Go ahead. Try. All right.

Two, one truth and a lot. No, two truths. Two truths. I did two. Oh, two truths. Two truths. Two truths. Two truths.

Yeah, yeah. This poker two truth. Sponsored by two truth. I don't know what's going on. I'm off. I'm off. I'm off. All right.

You say that every time Rick's off. Because I like it It's a chaotic energy This isn't that chaotic It bounces back Can I just guide you better No I know what Say three things

And we have to figure out I understand it I understand it Before I was a joke I don't think it was I think you were confused It was a bit I was doing Oh good bit

Yeah yeah yeah you know It got a lot We all fell for it Yeah yeah yeah So two truths You know that's what it's about yeah yeah

all right so well you knew too much about me so you can't play yeah yeah so I can play with you too my father used to beat me with a tennis racket my father used to beat me

is that good just keep going keep going yeah my father used to beat me with a celery stick or my father used to beat me with a golf club wasn't there something with a zamboni that was when I was molested

that's not funny I know that was when I was molested yeah but it had nothing to do with my dad so you were not beat with a celery stick

I mean Bobby what the fuck okay I did it next okay yeah two sports

equipment beatings I thought you were doing it oh okay maybe you go Rick first okay okay

I wanted to get high before coming here, but I decided not to try and keep the energy down because it gets really chaotic here. I got really popular in high school my senior year, and I was very unpopular before that. I was at the laugh factory earlier this week, and I saw Cat perform on the show with Kevin Neelan, and I laughed out loud from Cat. set multiple times the lie the lie is the first one what was the first one the first one is you're gonna get high but you didn't decide enough that one is a truth that's a truth I think that's a lie I don't think he gets high that's your guess what is this sucks I I want to say the wait the second one I think the second one or the third second one is a lie

he got popular in senior year yeah and what was your guess I think I know your guess because you're so sad I'm going to go with the the popular one I hope that is true I mean that is correct that one is the lie

you didn't think Rick gets high no I love getting high okay and snacks great set thank you your turn cat okay um okay i feel really uncomfortable right now um okay we just narrowed it down to two

we know is that one of them yeah that's one of them okay uh second one is um okay uh second one is um i do you know this is the lie i used to have a tree frog named mr dimples oh and the third one is my parents are still together uh i have i happened to know, because I saw your set, that your tree frog was a guy, and it was Mr. Dimples. Yeah. And that's the lie. The third one. The third one?

Your parents aren't together. Well, what? Kalila, I guess. Yeah, I think it's the third one. Yeah, it's the third one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I want to do mine over.

I understand the game now. You need examples. I understand the game now. I understand it. Hey, Bobby. Here's one truth, I'll tell you. It's Kalila's turn. Oh, no, no, that's okay.

Pass me up. Go ahead. Okay, so in the fifth... I got it, I got it. I got it. I understand it fully now. So in the fifth grade, I found out that my neighbor, I was living in Minnesota, and I found out my neighbor, she was a girl, I forgot her name. I think her name is Dana.

I don't remember. But there was a rumor around town that she put a rabbit in the microwave and killed it that way. So then in fifth grade, I, she walked by she went in the same class again I don't think you understand the game that's a really long

I was just telling two stories I was just telling two stories I don't think I don't think I fully understand it then I'm like a whole thing That one's true You know that one's true That one's true

Yeah I'm invested So what happened It's a lie I was making it up Yeah yeah yeah I think you fucked it up We fucked it up Yeah yeah yeah yeah

It's a truth That first one has to be true Bobby isn't able to come I don't know the game I don't know the game I don't know the game I don't want to play you play now Okay I'm glad that's not our back door

together anymore I've never had a cavity I've never had a cavity I've never done any hard drugs outside of weed and alcohol and I am I'm on lexapro

Wow Those are hard ones That's a good one Even I don't know And I live with Question for you If you're on a medication That's similar to lexopro

But not lexopro That was still a lie then right What do you mean? If you're on Oh no let's just say I'm on medication It doesn't have to be lexabro I think maybe the cavity part Okay that's your guess

That's yours Bobby you're not an Alexa pro what's yours Rick well now with Bobby's confidence I'm going to say that one as well I think I know which one's the lie but the middle one what's the middle

the hard drugs which is no I'll tell you why I believe it's not and I might be wrong but I just want to I want to talk my logic is this is a podcast and it's fun talking logic the fact that you said I've never done any hard drugs other than weed and alcohol my my thought process was well

I don't consider weed and alcohol hard drugs and if you do chances are you haven't really done hard drugs unless that was a conscious choice to kind of as I like to think of Bobby a snake he's done cocaine before why drop a fortune on basics when you don't have to quince has the good stuff high quality fabrics classic fits and lightweight layers for warm weather all at prices that make sense everything I've ordered from quince has been nothing but solid quince has closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters from just $50,

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So you've never had a cavity. And Molly or something. You guys, what is the answer? Are we all done with the answer? Yeah, yeah. What is it? I'm not on Lexapro.

I've never done cocaine in my life. Are you fucking crazy? I have a heart condition. But you've done hard drugs before. Never, Bobby. I've never done LSD, acid, Molly, nothing. I'm a purist.

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zone. Thank you, right. Will Smith. It's a writer. Guy. I should be on Lexapro's, but I'm not. Is Lexapro make you happier? I took two riddolins when I woke up. I don't think I should have taken it. No, why'd you double dose? Why? Because I was

groggy, and it makes me focus, but I'm way too focused. I'm a little slow. And also, I don't know. What? You are so focused, now you're slow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a little slow. Yeah, that's what's going on here.

Yeah. And your speed, you know what I mean? It's kind of like, you know. It's a good thing I didn't have the edible that I'm, I'm, you know. Yeah, yeah. But I really do love Ritalin, though. Do you ever focus on the wrong thing when you take Ritalin? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes. Guess what? It's Gilbert's birthday. I know it is. I know it is. Happy birthday, Gilbert. How old are you now, Gil? 36.

30. Okay. Happy birthday. Thanks for working on your birthday. Yesterday. When you go to an A meeting and someone's birthday, I'm always the one that starts the happy birthday. And I'm tired of it.

Do you go ha? Yeah, I'll go ha. And then people go ha. I'll give you an example. It's Tom's, you know, he's. You know, he's celebrating eight years of a party. I'll go, ah, you're supposed to go faster. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Go ahead. Happy birthday. Yeah, I started it every time, you know. For, not for birthdays, but for year anniversaries? Yeah, they call them birthdays, though. Cool. Yeah, yeah. Like born-again Christians?

No, not like that. They were born-again sober, so it's their birthday. Okay, I guess you're right. Yeah. Born-again virgins, too. Yeah. Is Born-again virgin, that's the thing where you decide that, like, I've never had sex? Yeah, people that do that.

Is that after when? and get reconstruction on the vagina. After like a period of celibacy, maybe. Yeah, yeah. I think, yeah, I think that's one. My dad gets hemorrhoids sometimes, and he refers to his butthole as the Ho Chiman Trail. Wait, your dad?

Yeah, that's so funny. When I was in Japan. Great trail, by the way. When I was in Japan last year, I hiked up to the temple, and it was a little bit too much for me. And on my way back down, I started to feel this weird sensation in my butt.

And I was like, what is that? So I jumped in the shower, and I felt back there. and it didn't feel like, oh, that's a hemorrhoid. It actually felt like my asshole had just, like, prolapsed completely. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Wow.

And so I panicked, and I called my sister, and I was like, hey, can you check this out? Is this a hemorrhoid? And she felt in there, and she was like, oh, my God, no, I think your, I think your assholes falling out. And so I go to this compounding pharmacy. Kyoto and this old lady who's had this pharmacy was handed down to her by her great-grandfather and she had all of all of the formulations I'm telling you wait listen to this shit because your dad has hemorrhoids and it'll call come back to your dad any gremlin's reference you laugh I appreciate the magwai yeah yeah and um this old lady she takes one look at me and I was trying to explain to her

that I had this thing but I didn't speak Japanese and I was like hi I have it I was like sweating and And I was like, and she goes, she goes, I got it. And she hands me this thing. She spoke English. Then why do you have to speak Japanese? I thought I didn't think so. I was like, oh, I didn't know.

But she had a completely good English accent? She spoke English just fine. Yeah, but was there an accent? Bobby wants you to do an impression. Yeah. Well, it gets me more like involved in the story and, you know, I want to get grounded here. You can, you can do it for me. No, you do it because it's your fucking story.

What does she sound like? Anyways. No, no. Not anyways, no, not anyway. I'm not going to do it. Why? I'm not. You can do it.

What did she say? Howdy. Did they sell that? That looks like my asshole. So she gives me, she hands me this like yellow tube and it wasn't a preparation age and she was like, I got you take this. I put it on one. That's not what she sounded like. I got you.

That was a feeling. That was the energy she was given. She was so confident. Was that a slur at her? Why? Yellow tube? The yellow tube? It was a yellow tube.

It's called like Bradenol. Oh, I thought you were talking about her. Yeah. An old yellow tube. I hope not. I would have just done the voice at that point. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

A minion. One swipe one time and my asshole crawled back in. Never to be seen again. It was scared. So you don't have an asshole anymore. It's up to my throat now. Like I swear to God if your dad needs it. I don't want my dad's asshole in his throat.

Why not? Wait, so did it, like, rose bud? Is that what happened? Like, isn't that what it's called? Baker? I think so. Like, where it just pops out. You know, I used to think Rose was a bud.

Oh, my God. That was just a fun plan. We got past that, though. Well, at least somebody got past it. Give it a year. But if you have hemorrhoids for anyone out there with hemorrhoids? Yeah, if anyone with hemorrhoids, go to Japan. Go to the old.

this medicinal shop that you can find and get a yellow tube if you didn't afford it. Like what the fuck you're talking about? I thought about him right. I had a solution. Speaking of assholes in the throat. I know. Yeah. Anyway. It's like it's crazy. Do they just fall out sometimes? They do. Wow. You know, I had a

foot fungal problem. So I went to the gingeritis. Yeah, I went to Peru and I hiked this. A 15 mile trail uphill, right? I had a climb I had a free solo a cliff Or there's a little hut up there With a little Persian man He's his boy

Did that accent He's Persian? Hello Why is he Persian in Peru? Why is he Persian? That's what he sounded like That's rude You're making fun of his accent

You said he's Peru You said the old man was Persian in Peru Oh yeah Well they get there too It takes a while Anyway, if you want your foot fix, go up there. Lie. Go way up there.

Anyway, is it kicked in your shit? I feel good. This is fun. It's fun. This feels like community right now. It feels like friends, you know, and we're like, this feels good. I like this. Yeah.

Do you think this is a good zombie apocalypse crew, survival crew, or no? I think that you would be first, you would be like draft number pick one, and that's situation because you probably like look at a plant and know. Wait, I'm your number one pig? I think that in a survival, in a survivalist situation, I feel like you have more information than anybody else here. Thanks, Rick. I appreciate that. Yeah. I would put me more medical too because I got a whole bunch of iodine cap plus. Okay. Well, for coastal too, I can, you know, get us food and fish and that would be great. I don't love fish. I see if you can maybe some Lomaine, but we'll figure it out. Are you, do you like uni? Muscles. I love uni. Okay. What about

Shelfish, clam. Scallops? Scallop, I can get scallop. Go back to the crew. So I'm first round. I know. I think I'm probably last round on that.

I think I'm, I bet you my money. Okay, be your Bobby. Go ahead. What's the lot? Go ahead, pick your crew. You can go around the room too. I don't know anybody other than

you would be helpful and you wouldn't. I don't know. I don't know where everybody else lies. It's like, it's like picking a basket. It's like, like I'm picking. my team in basketball, and I know you could hoop and you can't. I've never seen you guys play.

But you've never seen me in a zombie apocalypse situation. Buddy, I've seen you. Everybody I see you and feel underprepared. Don't call me, buddy, dude. In this situation. All right, buddy. All right. Chief, fuck you. What value would you add, honestly? Sneak.

Sneak what? Do you think you'd be quiet? No, I sneak, dude. I am the one that goes out, goes to the grocery store, gets canned foods, all the things that we need you have pharmacies

sneak back in while she's at the camp with a yellow tube but is anyone's assholes prolapse? There's no way you would sneak into grocery stores and stuff

you would be like how come DoorDash doesn't work or something? No that's rude that's the convenience of my life now yes but in an apocalypse situation I'm going to be desperate

and I'm going to do desperate things yes and when you get desperate you think you shine? Yeah, I shine, dude. I shine like a flower. I don't, not, not sure. Like the sun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I shine like the sun, dude. Yeah, yeah. Oh, star. I think I could be good at, like, climbing trees. What was that? What's the purpose of that?

I don't know. Look out. Look out. Yeah, it'll be a lookout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like to pick my team, please. I would provide it. I would provide entertainment.

Mm. Oh, like a drum start? circle or something. Dude, you'd be the craziest person to be in a fucking zombie. No, man, I know things. No, you would panic be so annoying at that. Oh, bro.

I am. When pressure's on, if we're late to get to the airport or something's happening. I need to touch the zombie three more times. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Your OCD would go crazy, dude. Swipe back to his joke with a bottle of water, please. And then you just sit on the toilet for a really long time. Pushing. Just one drop?

Yeah, just one drop. I have OCD. too. And we're back. Thank you. Okay. I think I would be, I think I would be, I, I, I, I, who gives a shit? No, no, no, I, no, you're a bit defensive now? No, I don't, I don't, I can't do nothing, buddy. No, no, I was meant, never mind like I don't need to defend it. Okay. Choose your team, Bobby. Yeah. Number one out of the whole, can I use the whole group or no? Yeah. Okay. Why are you looking away? I'm looking at the whole group. Okay. Number one would be you.

Thank you. Number two would be Alex Because he starts strongest On of all of us Right Number three would be Andreas Okay Yeah

Who's that? Right Because it's not Okay Um Oh god, I don't know It's hard

When you get down to the bands Yeah I would go Gilbert Okay Yeah that's fair Because someone to talk to I could hunt I could start fires

Yeah He's easiest to talk It's also his birthday today. Yeah. He's got to be in the top five. And then I would go E.J. He's smart. He gives me used water. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.

And then it would probably go you, cat. Wow, really? Yeah, yeah. Okay, not bad. And then you're last. I understand. Okay. I think that you would be surprised. I think Rick and I could really deliver in a time of need.

Thank you. I think the same thing. In what way? I just feel like we would be like very comforting Yeah Everyone would be stressed out I'd be like it's gonna be okay guys Okay let's move on now

Let's move on from all that If I had to choose my I would choose you first Really? Why? There's a resolve about Just I think her A resolve? What the fuck does that mean? You don't want someone like who's going to like Be in fight and flight

full on adrenaline. You want someone to be calm and clear. And the second is E.J. Okay. Why? E.J. Why the nerd? Because he's a nerd. Yeah, he knows a lot. Yeah. But I also just like prefer the company of women under pressure. So E.J. and Kat. Two women. What's the third?

That's where it stops. You. Why? Because I love you and I want to save you. Oh. I like that But cat's my second in command since He has to save you too I don't even know why you would have cat second Because I'm sorry

You don't know her She's a fucking diabolical Are you getting a little bit emotional? I was From what she said Yeah Yeah I see your eyes are watering a little bit That's yeah

I really like that That was very nice of her You want to be around people who love you Well I feel lost sometimes You feel what? Lost Yeah Yeah

And I feel like I have nobody Lonely Yeah Yeah And so I feel like that a lot I felt nice

I feel abandoned What What just happened Have you tried shoving a yellow tube up your ass Yeah Good callback Pretty good

I mean I already did one Yeah yeah So it was a little too much Okay Noted You should use it for Trash Tuesday Yeah we'd love to Yeah

Okay. You know, once you get into this whole ecosystem, I feel like I had a lot to do with that. Yeah. Do you think or no? I think so, yeah. It's almost like you want to make sure that other people don't feel that pain of abandonment

that you often do. Maybe you would be a good pick. Yeah. Do you feel abandoned sometimes? Aside from Rose? I don't feel abandoned by Rose. Okay. I'd pick you in my top five for sure, Rick.

Oh, good. There's eight people in the room. Okay. And she's one. The feeling of abandonment, I don't feel often, but I feel it very strong when it happens. I'm very sensitive to it, and I have felt it, yeah. When's the last time you felt it? I feel it when going through a breakup.

Every breakup, or just the most recent one? I felt it before, but not everyone. Yeah. I feel it sometimes with certain friends of mine when I notice that that the friendship isn't the same the friendship isn't viewed the same from them as it is for me and it takes me a long time to maybe pick up

on those context clues. Wouldn't you feel like it's like deeper for you but not for them? Sure. Yeah. Deeper, I don't know if deeper is fair as much as like the way, you know, we're just, it's like, it's just different people. It's like the way I show up for a friendship versus the way somebody else does. And it takes me a little bit of time to recognize

and it's not like oh they don't show up for me it's just they're not somebody who shows up I'll stop Bobby it cannot do serious moments yeah because it's not so out his comfort zone it's out of his

I'm wondering when Bobby's life will start yeah oh here we go buddy here we go slam dog yeah more stickers on the face yeah you just yeah

that's up When I go through big life moments, some people have, like, are so detailed about it, especially when they do their writing. I go like blank. I don't know why that's that. I think that's like a-natural. Yeah. That's also like a trauma response.

Probably. Yeah, I think so. So, I want that as a first pick? I do. Nothing. Exactly. Good, good, good observations. Nice, Rick.

Nice, Rick. Yeah. I love a divorced woman. I think you've seen it. You've seen more of the bullshit. But the zombies are attack, and she's just froze. She forgot where everything was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what you want?

Yeah, I want a goldfish. You better not have Rick, though, because he wants to not have his outdoor clothes inside. That goes out the window when there's zombies. You think? Hey, do me a favor. If you got guts and blood on you, you sit on the blanket, yeah. It's fine. Oh, so why don't people tape their body?

I would just be constantly with tape, just electrical tape all over my body. And padding, so they can't bite into me. Oh, I thought if they were... Yeah, what? That's dumb. So you're running around us? That's your survival strategy? I'm just going to every day...

It's wearing a seatbelt, Kalila. But it's reinforcing. Where are you going to find that much tape to reinforce it every single day? You don't have Michaels. I would go to Michael's. And when the adhesive gives out, you what, do you read tape? No, no, no, you don't even know. Yeah, like that, right?

Every day. Every day. No, hey, you don't take it off. Search for that. Yeah. Here's what I would do. I would go to Dix, sporting goods. Right?

Get football equipment. And do you sleep in this? Do you sleep in it? Yeah, because who cares about hygiene at the point? I'm not going to get laid. But how are you going to go poo-poo? Yeah, I have a little, I would make a little hole there. You don't think that the zombie are going to find that hole?

They're not going to bite the bubble. Hey, we never know. I've never seen a zombie bite the but if they do, you can just put a yellow tube up there. Yeah, yeah. And if it prolapses, yeah, in that situation. but anyway I would why don't they just fully like you know hockey mitts

that that makes sense right yeah padding layers of tape I would just be this thing where if you bit into me also around the neck you know I mean okay that makes more sense I thought you were just gonna tape your whole body

and that's it no I would tape the equipment to my it would just be like unpengerable like Casey Jones what's Casey Jones pull up a picture of Casey Jones please like a hockey Yeah, like a hockey uniform.

Yeah. With like the cage, like an umpire maybe. Um, yes, that's a great one. But they don't bite your face. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, would you be scared of a dwarf zombie? I don't know why you said that.

Casey Jones. Would you? No. Why? Would you be scared of a... It would be so cute. Now would you be scared... I'm just hearing of the plane voice.

the plane the plane Bobby Would you be scared of a zombie That looked exactly like you Your proportions Oh yeah Yeah Because I know my strength

What are they No I'm just physical I'm in Are you scrappy I feel like you're scrappy As a zombie I'm gonna want I'm gonna want brain Yeah

Yeah yeah And you're like Because I'm a drug addict I'm a drug addict So at night I'm being Brain Like it would just be obsessed with it you know what I mean I would eat mongoose brain I don't squirrel brain

any brain I'm in right but when human is the top level you know I mean it's like pure heroin oh how do you know this I just would how do you know that a human brain tastes better than a mongoose or squirrel brain I just think that because in any I've seen every subgenre zombie movie but those are just written by guys I know my point though is based based on what I've seen right they always they don't I don't I've never seen a be eat a squirrel brain. It would be like a little canopy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's kind of like how Blade tries not to have human blood. But also... I'm serious. Yeah. Not all brains taste good. Not all human brains taste good. Right. Bobby's brain tastes pretty shitty.

Yeah. Okay. Why? Because it's not intelligent enough. Yeah, do you think smart? Korean brains. Korean brains are very delicious. Oh, I assume.

Got him. Yeah. I knew you ate brains. I always think about this like You know what that shows 600 pound life Yeah What if he turned into a zombie How he's gonna eat

He's just in bed Yeah You know anyway I think about stuff like that Will you pull up the Just as a fat guy in blade But do you I know

It's my friend Eric The actor You know the guy Yeah yeah yeah Oh yeah it is your It's my buddy Eric Yeah yeah Cool we got to get him on the pod

Yeah Well he's what about He lost all the weight And then it's like Wait, that wasn't prosthetics or anything? No, but he was still at the time a very kind of big guy. Yeah, that's got to be fake. He was that big?

Yeah, yeah. Is he the one on the top or the bottom? It's a little me-to moment. Yeah. Wow. And then he was also in Sergeant Bilko, the Steve Martin. Yeah. Anyway, great actor, good friend.

I haven't seen him in 20 years. But anyway. Yeah. Get him on the phone. I don't even have his number. I would have no idea to contact him. Oh. Do you have friends like that?

You go, oh, yeah, we used to hang, and then I don't know what happened. If I ever had their number, I still have it. If not in my phone, I have it up here. Wow. Wow. Do you remember certain number, like, you remember a lot of numbers in there? Yeah. Wow.

I remember when I was a kid, I would, there was this thing called Olympia Sales Club, 100, 373, 5963, and you would get a catalog, and you could go door to door like you would if you were trying to, like, for school, sell stuff. And I would go door to door, and people, and you get, I would get $2 for every item I sold, or if you get enough points, you get a PlayStation or something. You always go for the points. The money is less the value. And I would knock on people's doors and they would be like,

what is this for? And I would just go, it's just for me. And I would sell it. And then I was like, this was great. I just got this and this. So I would end up doing it like a couple times a year. And I would just keep calling Olympia Sales Club. This is Mark.

How may I help you? I'd like to order Olympia sales kit, please. And they would send me the sales kit. And then I would go door to door. And then one woman said to me, why do you keep coming here? Because she would buy something for me every time. and then I said, I got embarrassed and I stopped doing it.

But I still remember the number. That's awesome. Whose number do you have memorized? 431 Dover Drive. That's an address. I know. And that was my address in Minnesota when I was a kid. Minnesota.

Truth. What about phone numbers? 323-656-6-2-25. Who's that? What is that? 3-2-6-5. That's your old pager number. 3-2-6-5-6-2-25.

Comedy store. That's a comedy store. That's a comedy store number. So I do remember stuff too, like Eric. I'm smart. I remember my ex-boyfriend's number from seventh grade. You do? Yeah.

Do you remember why you broke up? Yeah. Why? Well, he was Mormon. Not that that's bad, but... More men than women? Remember? That was a good one.

You could keep that in, but I'm sorry for killing the momentum. Go ahead. Edit it out, but I'm sorry. Mormon, so we just, we, there's no, we couldn't have sex. You were in seventh grade. But we dated for a longer. You broke up with a seventh grader because he wouldn't fuck you. Crazy.

Crazy. He just kept eating my pussy and I was like, that's, that's before bar mitzvahs. I remember I was scared to slow dance with girls, so I would wait outside and say my mom was coming and they would ask me. This is Al-Tadina. So it was different. Are you asexual? No. She wanted to get fucked

when she was 12. That's not true. You may remember his number, but I think we just got yours. Sweetheart. What the hell? Rick, tell me. Tell me what you're feeling.

I don't want to get into my personal stuff right now. Okay. Respectfully. If I did, I'd have to maybe cancel my show tonight. Is that the live? I feel you.

Yeah. And I believe you do too. just maybe don't let yourself talk about it, but like... I've cried already. Yeah. So I guess you I've done my crime. I've done my crying.

Yeah. I don't know when I'm going to run out, but I hear you. I'll cry soon too, maybe. I didn't mean that you're an open micer. Oh, yeah. At all. I still open mic. Yeah, but I'm...

Oh. You know, if, when I'm done, On my deathbed, I believe you're going to be one of them on the side of my bed. One of them? How many people you got inside of your bed while you're dying? Three or four or five people. I don't know. 12 people.

But I do imagine you being there holding my hand and me passing. What's going on? We're going to real right here. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. What's the secrets about? I was wondering if we were invited to the death bed part. Oh, you invited?

I think it's for real close family and friends. Okay. Yeah. I think they're, they can be there. I'm not going to be. Maybe you're in the waiting room? You don't want to see him? I imagine right now if I would.

Yeah, I just don't think I'll be there as he passes over. Hey, Bobby's really, I think he's. I think you'd be the lobby. How about the Zoom? If you do like a Zoom. If you wanted me there, I would be there. They do that these days. The Zoom wakes.

Zoom wake, yeah. Yeah, but that's after he's passed already. But what about if he's like, hey guys, he's about, he has a week left and he wants to just, you know, say bye. Would you come around? I would ask, yeah, but I would say, Like, what group am I part of? Who's going to be there with me?

Like a boarding class, kind of. Okay. I would have Andrew, probably. He'd just demand to go, I think. Yeah. He's been waiting for it. Yeah, yeah. So we can start a pod with somebody else.

My brother, I think my mom would be passed already. What's this? I feel like this would be yours. Like, someone, it's just 25. Oh, call, say, spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. We don't know what movie this is. Yes, we all know what movie this is.

I don't know what movie is. know what movie this is. Oh, Interstellar. Yeah, yeah. And continue. That's his daughter. That's wild. That's what I was talking about with time. If you were a little faster.

Superman, Superman. Yeah, so who, do you know who'd be around your bed? That's really not something I really even think about. Good improv. No. Wow, we should.

an improv group. Yeah. I got a gift for you. No. Do you know? Cat? Oh, yeah. Hey.

At this point. At this point. It changes because you don't know who you're going to meet and what the relationship changed. But I think I can almost guarantee certain people being there. It's too dark. I think maybe like...

I know. I know. Or maybe some pets as well Your pets will be not either A new pets probably That we don't even wear out Yeah yeah new pets Yeah yeah

That means that means That means If that's all you have And that's all they have Who's gonna feed them? Well I think there'd be like Maybe two or three people there That I know of today

I think two or three people And then I have five rabbits So ideally they would be there too Is that triggering for you to hear about rabbits? I get hungry. Oh, yeah. I know he did that rabbit story

because he knows I have rabbits, that microwave rabbit story. No. Oh. Alvin. Alvin. Where's Alvin now? He's at home.

Oh, Alvin. What a good guy, huh? He's so perfect. He's a perfect dog. That's a great guy. He's a good guy. Hi, buddy. You love me.

I'm not alone. Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. Congratulations on Alvin. Thank you. Thank you. Mm-hmm. You're welcome.

When are we going to do about Remy? I don't want to talk about it. Yeah. He just had his vet appointment, and our vet, basically, he's 15. It's basically like, maybe you should start having that discussion, but I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah, he's an old guy. He's fully blind. He's fully deaf, and he's the best dog. How long do you think he has? What the vet says?

I don't know, but I'm hoping I want to spend, like, Christmas with him. I don't want to talk about it. I want to, I want to, like. Great questions, Bobby. Bobby, what's happening? Why are you doing this? Christmas? I want to send Christmas within my goal list to have him for the holidays.

That's soon? I don't know. Oh my God. Christmas? I don't know, but he is old and I have to. Oh, my God. I think he's right now, he's really comfortable and he, but all he does is sleep all. day but um christmas probably you're a professional actor i'm not acting

you fucking asshole oh but pets is a whole another i don't know why i brought it up anyway um that rickie is on the loose he definitely is on the loose he's on the loose and i Yes Check out Rick Glassman Presents Ricky on the Luce He's on tour Get

Get your tickets at punchup Live slash Rick Glassman Yeah What do we learn today? Not much Not much

To love each other To love each other You know this is not like No exit Mm-mm Yeah Yeah this is yes exit Yes exit

Yes exit No, but about opposite. Instead of hell as other people, heaven is animals. Yeah, heaven is our animals. For all the times you stood by me, for all the truths that you made me see, for all the joy you brought to my life,

for all the wrong that you made right, For every dream It's the dream you go For all the joy that you want to flow Okay Anyway Where I am Because you love me

Baby Thank you Wow, what a great podcast We went in and out Together, close away We did everything Every layer that you could Give Rick Glassman a run

What a, what, what birthday, enjoy it. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Just put it in the shot. Here we go. Happy birthday to you.

Good. Gilbert, anything you want to plug? Rickie's on the loose Check out the link down below in the description Where will he be? He will be at September 4 through 6 Charleson, Detroit, Atlanta, Raleigh, Toronto, Buffalo, New York, Brooklyn,

and Las Vegas. And if you want to have a happy birthday, treat yourself to a ticket if there's any left. There are. Buky in the land of feet. I'mukukani, I'm a macabololid. Bologna, bonguea, ma'oombolla,

Shukubu Kyi, I do, t'o.