TigerBelly - Sebastian Maniscalco & The Wet Fart Towel
Episode Date: November 19, 2025Sebastian Maniscalco returns and notices a new addition. We chat bathroom philosophies, lava lamp, wizard hand symbols, acne constellations, butt towels, foot fungus saga, DeNiro energy, airport-...sleep photos, wink n' wave, and “why isn’t it happening?” moments. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to www.zocdoc.com/belly to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/BELLY and use code BELLY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Join the loyalty program for renters at www.joinbilt.com/belly For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.hims.com/belly
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Sebastian Monascopo is here promoting his special for Hulu
Sebastian Manascault gave him a round of applause.
He's done many specials.
How many specials has it been?
I don't know
I think this is seven I think
Wow that's seven
Over seven hours of material
I've been doing comedy for 30 years
I have 32 minutes
Yeah
But you know you've got other interests other than
You're playing the piano on a podcast
There's a lot of different
Yeah
I'm also doing a Hulu one
Oh you are
In January
Oh nice
Yeah so you're doing a special
I just want to comment
On the general setup here
You don't like it
Well no, first of all
Yeah
Me?
Yeah
You're new
Yeah, yeah, yeah
So
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You want to intro him
A little introduction here
I mean, you don't really need to meet him
Well, he's sitting right next to me
Taking notes
I know
Yeah, his name is Jaime
Jaime
He's from Texas.
You know what I mean?
He is Hispanic.
And he's just like, you know, a lava lamp or something that you could see in a room.
You know what I mean?
You pick it up, you look at it.
You know what I mean?
You put it down.
And then you ignored it.
See, I'm always fascinated in the podcast world.
Like, there's like, would you call him a sidekick?
Yeah, side side side.
And like, two sidekicks.
And how did you get piped into the podcast?
My best friend Ralph Barbosa
Oh yeah
Another comedian
So Ralph Barbosa and him
grew up together in Texas as kids
And one day Ralph Barbosa
Did our podcast
He brought Jaime
He was sitting over there
Like a lava lamp
Yeah like a lava lamp
I go what is that
And Jaime goes
That's human being
And I go are you sure
You know what I mean
And then
We interview him a little bit
And we liked his vibe
And so we fly them out sometimes
To do our pods from Texas
Oh, you don't even live here
You're coming in for this?
Well, I came from San Francisco
Okay
Why were you in San Francisco?
Doing some shows out there
With your comedian?
Mm-hmm
Oh, okay
All right
With who?
Ralph
He's doing Cobbs
He's doing Cobbs?
He sold out six shows
I sold it out too
And how many minutes?
Oh, pretty quickly, did
You just lost your job.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, pretty quickly, dude.
Anyway, congratulations.
Doing your 10 minutes before him?
Feel good?
You're hosting?
I'm hosting.
Feel good?
Oh, I'm proud of you, bud.
Don't get shy.
Okay.
So, Seb, this is your sixth, seventh one.
Seven, six.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You already filmed it?
I'm not really done with what I'm observing.
Okay, okay.
All right.
We love your observation.
We talked about this briefly,
but you have a acne patch
on your...
This is...
I can't get used to this shit
with this looking around shit.
What do you mean?
Me doing?
Yeah, this...
What is this?
I'm whimsical, dude.
I was born whimsical, dude.
I'm an adventurer.
I look around, I absorb.
I'm enlightened.
Go ahead.
You have a smiley face
on your cheek.
Smile like this on your fucking cheek.
There we go.
You have a fucking cheek.
Yeah, what else?
What's your problem?
You don't get acne guy?
I get acne.
Yeah, yeah.
But I've seen this on multiple occasions.
Since you've been successful, because I've known you for 30 years, right?
You do this wizard hand shit that you probably learn from the Luminati or something.
And let me say something right now.
It doesn't work with me.
Okay.
This does not work with me.
All this stuff that you do, right?
And all these hand symbols.
They don't work with me.
I'm unpenetrable.
That's fine.
Okay.
That's fine.
This is Italian.
Oh, it is.
It's Italian.
Okay.
So I've seen this on multiple occasions where people now feel, back in the day when you had acne,
you didn't want to draw attention to any of the acne.
Now, people are coming out with constellations on their head, and we're all just supposed to go,
oh, you know, this is like, except.
acceptable behavior.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, in high school,
go ahead.
I used, if it was somewhere believable,
I would turn a pimple into a mole using eyeliner.
Oh, wow.
That, but then it would be a really big mole.
Yeah.
That, or I would put, like, a band-aid,
or because I used to have, like, chest acne,
and I would put a band-aid across
and just say someone, like, scratched me.
Or maybe you could turn into another titty
and have you have three titties.
Oh, whatever.
Anyway, I'm just improvising.
Just improvising.
Just throwing it out there.
Maybe, I don't know.
Or if you have one year, maybe, like, a third eye, I don't know.
Do you think it looks silly on a grown man?
Well, he's telling me, oh, backstage, like, I don't know why I can't get any girls.
Well, you know, 54 years old, you're walking around with a smiley face on your cheek.
Yeah, yeah, what I'm going to say to you right now, and that I take a very, very, very offense to it, to be honest with you, you know.
About what, what, is your sticker on your head?
Yeah, yeah, because what I'm saying right now is that, like, I'm not ashamed with blemishes.
You know what I mean?
for many years, you know, I used to not even go outside
because I had a blemish on my face.
You know what I'm kind of standing out?
Oh, what is this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you doing new shit now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm expressing myself.
The new way people like, oh, this is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm stepping into myself.
You got the wrong gay here.
Okay, guy, all right, guy, all right, bada booboon, okay?
Whatever your people say, all right?
Bada boom, bada bina, whatever your people say, okay?
But what I'm saying to you is this is that, like, I'm not ashamed of it.
And also, you know, I learned from the youngs.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I've seen young people.
I don't wear one.
But you have impeccable skin.
You got, you know, what are you using?
Like a Navia Q10 on that?
I don't know.
Do you hi-may?
I just drink a lot of water.
Yeah, you drink a lot of water.
It's a very hot girl thing to say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you're doing something different with your hair.
What's that going on?
What?
Yeah, yeah.
It's very felice navidad.
I love it.
Yeah
I love hugging hair
Yeah
Love that song
Do you like that Bobby
Now gets mannies and petties
Oh you do?
I get them
Wow
You got a sat and finished
Do you know why I get them
Wow
That's not
Let me see
Let me see
Yeah
Wow
Do you know why I get them
Is that
Did
You
I inspired that
You inspired this
Wow
Because you were the first guy
Man
That ever got this done
And I looked at yours
I go
He's on to something
And now I get him
I have my feet done
too.
Wow.
Every three weeks I get them done.
Is that a, do you have a color?
Is that like a moth?
It's a soft, you know what I mean?
Glossy.
It's, you know, it's a soft, it's supposed to be El Natural, but it's a little pinkish,
but I like it that way.
And it's, um, I get gels, the shiny.
Wow.
And it looks like I'm in an android.
Yeah, and I really like them.
Good for you.
And you inspired me to do that.
Oh, good.
Yeah, yeah.
You still get your feet.
Everything's done.
Not as good as yours, but it's.
Well, you don't get it.
You don't get it shiny.
I get a buff.
You buff it out.
Yeah, mine don't shine that much.
All right, well, make fun of them.
No, I know.
I feel like you want to.
No, I'm not making fun of them.
Okay.
I'm actually complimenting you on your...
Because you always thought that I was a little dirty, right?
Not dirty, just a little kind of disheveled.
Unkempt.
Dirty.
Filthy.
Yeah.
I know
but you know
but I'm trying to
step up
and I'm trying to like
lean into certain
I like it
I like it
another thing that you taught me
you told me once
that you wet a little
towel
right stick by the side
of your bed
and when you fart
you stick between your butt
shakes
and you fart through the wet towel
I never told you that
what I did tell you
what I made
to your farce with a wet towel
I made it a bit
when I was dating Lana
yeah at first
yeah
I had
One night I had really bad flatulence,
and I went to run to her bathroom to fart into her towels.
Oh.
The sound.
Well, you still influence me because guess what I have by the side of my bed?
A damp, wet towel, a cloth.
And you fart into the towel?
I fart right into it, and it works.
What does it work?
But I spray cologne.
I thought you'd spray cologne, but maybe not.
No, no, what I did with the towel.
What are you doing?
Listen, you're getting it all mixed up.
What I did with the towels
Is I soaked
I took a dishrag
I would cut it up into squares
And I would soak those squares
In Cologne
And then I would take those squares
And put it in the vents of my car
So when I put the air on
Okay, Bobby
Oh
Wow, you combined the two
I combined the two theories
Yeah
Yeah, but still
I hope my butthole is like a vent in the car
People have said that before
No, but then now you just have like a wet
Because the dampness catches the scent
So now you just have like a disgusting fart tea towel
No, no, no, no
That's not true. That's not true at all
I've never had a girl go, you know what I mean?
Oh, did you fart through a fucking cologne towel?
No
They always go, oh, is that, you know what I mean?
You know what I'm more upset about?
Tom Ford
Vanilla tobacco or whatever
Is that what you use?
I do a variety of ones.
Right now I do it, you know, you should see my clone collection
Hundreds.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah.
Right now I have one that smells like Vietnamese coffee.
That's what it's called, Vietnamese coffee.
Is it I know?
You have it I know?
And then, yeah, you want to smell?
Oh, yeah.
It does.
It smells like coffee.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
And that's the brand, Vietnamese coffee.
And I have that on.
And so I experiment with different smells.
I get Vietnamese coffee.
I have a macha, soft serve.
It's all foods.
Yeah, yeah, there's a whole, that line,
look at that line, right?
It's all foods.
There's a...
White rice.
A cream bread, a bread cream one.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Macha softener, I have that one as well.
What's the rice one?
What brand is not this one?
No, they do have a white rice one,
but there's another one called white rice.
Okay.
I like brown rice, white rice.
I like all the white rice smells.
Wow.
I've heard of the brand.
After Ozempik, are you trying to inhale your food?
Does it have anything to do with that?
You know what, George, you're the producer,
and you shouldn't talk
you know it really bothers me sometimes
you know yeah yeah because you don't even know what you're saying
and I don't like it you know I love you as a human being
and thank you so much for being a part of this right but sometimes when you talk
dude puts a chill out my spine you know what I mean and I love you
you know I love your family it's his birthday it was his birthday today yesterday
yesterday yeah oh happy birthday dude thank you wait a minute so he has a birthday
Okay, what?
How long you've been working for him?
Oh, 10 years.
I've been working with him actually longer.
15.
Nothing comes up on your calendar.
What's your name?
George.
George's birthday.
No one tells you in the room.
We've got to make cake, nothing.
No, he stopped following me on Instagram, I think, a couple years ago,
since he got two-fold, and he had to follow other people.
So you don't like them.
Well, I have a rule on Instagram.
Yeah, I think it's Instagram's rule.
You can only follow 1,000 people.
No.
if I can't go above
999
following
I don't know what it is
and Andrew has the same thing
we just cannot go to a thousand
it's too many numbers
well the the app cut you off
no no I can I could follow
millions of people
but I refit 99 is my cutoff
I don't know why I think it's an OCD thing or something
so you know when like
there's an influx of women that like to follow
you know I mean
Only fan model.
And then eventually it's like
I have to now go back into my fucking
people that follow and delete
and you just happen to be a victim of that.
And I apologize.
Oh, the only fans model for this?
I apologize.
But Sebastian,
I will never unfollow because he's a comrade.
Yeah, we definitely.
Yeah, we have history.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we have a deep history.
So it's like, he's also super famous.
You know, it's a combination between history or old relationship, but he also, like, you know, is killing it as well.
So it's like...
And it wet farts.
No, see that...
Yeah, yeah.
I'm upset that that, if you've been telling that story to other people, I feel like we have to go back and tell those people the real story.
Because the farting into a wet towel bedside is not me.
Okay, okay, I want to say this too, right?
I never said wet.
You did say wet.
It's in his notes.
A wet towel.
All right.
I've told those stories.
Have I told that story before?
I think minimum six times.
Yeah.
Minimum six times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a lot.
But I never said, no, but it's a good thing.
No, it's not.
It's not the story.
It's inaccurate.
It's inaccurate.
Oh, I lie.
I'm a liar.
Yeah, but I don't think you're, I think you're confused.
I'm a confuser.
I'm totally confused.
I apologize.
That's okay.
Are you mad?
I'm not mad.
I'm just upset that the story's out there in not the right way.
But has anyone brought it up to you?
No, but I feel like within the next two to three months,
someone's going to come up to me.
Bobby Lee told me a story.
You fart into a towel with obsession on it.
Probably Dr. Carr, but anyway.
No, okay, well, maybe I did, you know,
misinterpret what you said
but here's the good news
and you
unintentionally invented something great
which is
you know what I mean it does work if you
dampen up a little
towel washcloth you put
cologne on it and if you have a
lady at your house you can fart
into it and voila
it solves a problem
what do you do with Lana do you've just fart in the bed
now? Yeah at this point
you know that's it sounds did she rip them
She's farted in the bed
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do they smell?
Depends on, you know, if we had dairy.
It's probably something you don't talk about often, farting.
No.
No, it's like those times, you know, it's like these podcasts.
Like, oh, it's like free-form conversation, you know.
And it's all about, like, telling things that you,
this is what you're getting.
you're not getting any deep
yeah no we are getting
because we already got it a little bit
what did you get that I fart in bed
no but the um
the little things in the
yeah I told you that
that's actually out there
all right
yeah yeah yeah you don't you don't ever talk about
personal things no not really
yeah yeah yeah we talked we talk general
surface stuff okay well let's move on from farting then
you know what I got last week
that I'm wondering
if either of you have gotten this have you ever gotten those per nuvo scans like the head to toe
MRI whole body cancer training we have a friend on it if you know but got one of those scans
something that you know dearly and they found a problem i'm nervous for mine i haven't gotten my
results and he got a surgery and got that problem removed but um i'm thinking about getting that done
too have you heard of it i've heard of it i can't do it for two reasons number one there's a lot of
false positives on that thing.
I don't know if I could, I don't know if I could, like, live with that.
And two...
What's a false positive?
I don't know what that means.
Yeah, like, it would come up, like, I, uh, you got a hint of this, that, but it could
be, it couldn't be, I don't want to, I don't want to go through that.
I don't have to go to bed going, do I get this or do I got that?
They're going to be more testing.
And I can't get in there.
I can't, I can't do an MRI.
Oh, you're claustrophobic?
Yeah.
I can't.
No, but, you know, I had to, what they do is they give you these, like, glasses that have a mirror, so now you can watch, like, Netflix.
But still, it gives you the illusion that what's above you is, like, an open space, but it's not.
It's like a fake hole, and you look up, and but then it doesn't, you know what I mean?
Like, it doesn't actually have a hole in it.
It just makes you think that there's a hole on tight space.
But you're still in a tight space.
You're still in a tight space.
And then they put the thing.
He's smarter than that.
Yeah.
He's not going to get confused.
To that point, they did.
something not so sophisticated where there's a hole but they did something where it was a mirror
and you were looking out so when you looked at you looked behind yeah and i say get me out of here
i still know i'm in here yeah yeah so i what would what would happen if you got like you're in an
elevator and it completely just stopped working how long do you think before you panic it would
depend on the amount of people no service on your phone and there's 12 people in there 12 people
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What?
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Five.
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Wow.
No service on your phone.
And there's 12 people in there.
12 people.
I'll tell you who it's in there.
Two Puerto Ricans, a dwarf.
Do you make it real people you know.
Okay.
Brad Williams.
Okay.
Johnny Sanchez.
Me.
We've got to get some big guys in there.
What?
You want to be in it?
Yeah, you're not in it.
There's no way in that situation you would be in it.
But I love you.
I feel like if it was people I know,
I would be a lot more comfortable than if it was 11 strangers.
How about 12 just gigantic Persians?
What even is?
Or just 12 Samoans.
I would have a hard time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How long before you really start sweating having a panic attack?
I'm sweating as soon as they get in the elevator.
Oh, really?
Even just in random elevator?
Well, if it was tight like that, I would start to get, I would let the elevator go up.
Oh, before, yeah.
I would take the next one.
Okay.
Yeah.
What if the same 12 Simone's are on it?
Then I walk up the stairs.
Oh, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want to be dealing with it.
Are you good with, like, when you're eating dinner, because the other day I was eating dinner,
last night actually
and I was at parks
nice guy I mean
he comes up to me he goes
hey I'm just a big fan
I go okay cool thanks
great
he goes okay
and he slowly walks away
like with a smile
I'm like okay right
and then the food comes
and he comes back
he goes
can I get a photo
and I wanted to say
you should have done it
before when you did that weird
walk back
all right
so then I got to get out
and I did it
Do you do that?
Would you take photos with people
if you're eating dinner?
Yes.
I do, yeah.
It's hard to say no.
Have you ever said no?
No.
Have you?
No.
Have you wanted to say no?
Twice.
Twice.
Yeah, yeah.
But, I mean, come on.
It's a photo.
I mean, it might be a time
where you're trying to spend with your family.
I feel like I'm not really,
talking to you right now.
Talking to you right now.
I know, but I feel like I got to.
Oh, no, that's good, man.
I feel like I was going to ask something,
but do people ever, oh, go ahead.
See, because he was going to ask something,
but he was looking at the back of my head.
I understand.
I feel like this right here,
it will never happen again.
These types of people together
has never happened.
I think you're polar opposites of each other.
That's okay.
He wants to ask a question.
Okay, go ahead.
Hi, Mae.
Do people ever?
were like send pictures of you guys
like sleeping at the airports
like fans
take a picture of you sleeping
classic question
no no
because I've never slept in
yeah we don't sleep in the apartment
okay what are you doing
a sleeping bag of
it's because we're at the airport
yesterday and we're waiting for
our luggage and we fell asleep
you and you and Ralph
yeah together
at the airport
but you guys lean on each other
No, he was on one side
and our backpacks
Yeah, yeah
And then I woke up
What are you frustrated about?
Because you said we slept together, but
You've never slept on the same bed together?
Yes, but not that way.
No, but just you've slept in the same bed together
Me and Sebastian would never sleep on the same bed together.
No.
No. Ever.
Even if we were forced to sleep in the same hotel,
I would take the closet.
No, we would work something out.
No, no, I would give you the bed
because I don't want to hear you complain.
I would...
You complain.
I would take the couch.
Okay.
You would let me have the bed?
If you wanted the bed, you could take the bed.
We'll do a like, you know, whatever, a game.
Anyway, sticks or whatever it might be.
But go ahead.
And I was sleeping and I was waking up and then I saw this dude
kept walking by and he was trying to sneak a photo of Ralph sleeping.
And Ralph's like, you know, sleeping.
Well, there's many reasons why I don't sleep at airport.
but that would be one of them.
People take a photo of me sleeping.
Well, my question is, you just got off of...
How tired are you that you just got off a flight?
Good question.
And then you're going to take a nap
at the baggage clean.
It's because we had shows
here in Cali
and then we had to go to San Francisco
and then back to San Francisco.
Yeah, a regular tour that we all go on.
Yeah, so then he's tired.
That's what he was asking.
It's a regular tour that we all go on.
So, yeah.
You feel safe.
I'm napping in public.
Like, you're not worried that someone might just, like...
Take our bags?
No, like, stab you?
Nah.
I don't know.
At the airports?
Like, you just, you can take a nap, like, in public in broad daylight with people, like, bustling around.
Yeah, I think I can.
I have.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Just be honest with me.
When you go, when you open for Ralph still to this day, do you guys share the same hotel room?
No.
He has his girlfriend with him
So I get my own room
Any more questions you want to ask Sebastian
Or you want to look at him and say anything
Do you have any notes or?
No, nothing.
I mean, just wondering about showers, but
What about the shower?
Yeah, you ask him, Sebastian's a master of showers.
Are you not?
Yeah, I'm pretty versed in the shower.
And I'll tell you my new routine
If I may, but go ahead.
Just, what do you guys shower?
Do you guys like keep your eyes closed
the whole time?
Or do you know, because some people
have like postophobia
but like people are like
I don't think
he has a claustrophobia
what is close
claustophobia
I mean
can't be in a tight space
very good
can you ride
roller coasters
no
yeah yeah yeah
so what's your
shower routine
do you have one
do you keep our eyes closed
do you keep her eyes closed
no
people have the fear
of like
something's gonna pop out
so they keep them close
so they pop out
what are we in the movie
shape of water
what's going on
like the grudge
you ever seen the movie
the grudge
yeah yeah
We don't believe on that.
Oh, so when you're saying
when the shower hits your head
and you're like lathering,
are your eyes open or close?
If the water is running,
are you doing the day?
I know what you're trying to do.
And it makes sense
of what he's trying to say.
But there's no way to do it.
He's a crazy person.
She's hoping a boy out.
Okay.
Anyway, what's your routine is about?
Are your eyes open?
Yes or no?
Dude,
will you stop it with the eyes
and open?
He was because of the shampoo.
Of course your eyes closed.
Yeah, okay.
If they're shipping to my eyes,
I will close and then wipe it with water.
But I'm talking about as soon as you get in the shower.
No, I do not because water doesn't burn my eyes.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, no.
If you're underneath the shower and the shower's hitting your head,
my eyes are closed because water is dripping down my face.
However, there's moments where I'm out of the water
and my eyes are open.
Are your eyes open?
the entire time or my eyes closed the whole time so you're what what are you searching around for
the soap well i haven't placed where like i can reach you know like okay conditioner and then body
wash what are you so afraid to see oh i don't know i see like a blind master of some
sorts okay so do you wash with a wash rag what what do you washing your body with uh wash cloth
wash cloth i don't do a cloth do you i use a glove use a glove use a
I use the Korean the Korean yeah what's the crack oh wow this is new yeah yeah yeah it's not new
well I don't know I don't know I don't know nothing I don't know anything about it no what it's um it's a
really rough rag they come in pink blue yellow yeah yeah they come in pink blue yellow
variety of colors actually and so you say a rag it's about this long and it's thin yeah
and it's like fibers what kind it almost feels like nylon honestly but it's not that's what
it looks like yeah but it's long and see the blue one is see that see that I have to do that
because I have little arms like listen I swear I'm not even joking I can't scratch my back
oh you can't no look no I can't scratch my pack so I need that so this is what I do I'll just
tell you mine yeah if I may good like colognes I have how many hundreds of colognes right
but I don't know if you know this fact but I also have hundreds of body wash
liquid body wash liquid okay high end not always i see that cremo
that's target okay some cremo a lot of cremo no go look at my fucking bathtub not okay sorry
how many how many do you have out at once in the i have it right now in my bathtub okay
you can fact check if you want to go up there right probably about eight do you rotate each
no here's the magic
I spread that blue thing out
right open it up completely
and like you know what I mean
like it's kind of like a calzone
if I use your terms
you know what I may
only speak in his terms
yeah so calzones you know what I mean
so I put the fucking you know ricotta cheese
right
now put the meat sauce
okay
and I put some fucking miler
you know so basically I take
probably three of them
to create my own smell
then I fold up
the fucking goes on
you know
right
and then
you know
I
get all sides
bubbles
right
I go deep
between
the crevices of life
your hipits
my hippits
my taintitch
you know what I mean
every area
scrub scrub
scrub scrub scrub
scrub scrub
every night dude
okay
I use two different
shampoos
on my head
two different
face wash
That's a hot girl trend, though, double shampoo.
So you're on.
I've been doing it for years.
It's a Bobby Lee trend.
All right.
Remerize that.
Double shampoo at the same time or shampoo rinse another shampoo.
Yeah, shampoo rinse, shampoo.
No, I do double.
I do double.
What does that even mean?
So that's not double if you're just building.
It's not about cleanliness.
It's about variety as a smells.
Oh, so you layer two different scented shampo.
Bingo.
Okay.
And then two different face wash.
The ghetto one now.
The Nutrigena.
Yeah, the one you said was ghetto.
It's terrible for your skin.
But guess what?
I went to a high-end place, and I go, what's your best face wash?
And they gave it to me.
I have two bottles of it.
Thank you.
What's yours?
Just a little tidbit on the, on the, and you would know this more, I think, than he would.
Rude.
The face wash has to kind of match your soul.
skin type, whether it be oily, dry, what have you. So the best soap is not necessarily the best
for your maybe type of skin. So I would kind of... Oh, here we go. You want to play games? I would
agree. I'm just, I'm just, what the fuck do you mean? So if you have oily skin. Do I have oily
skin? Do I have a combo. I have a combo. There could be a combo soap out there. And I've learned
this on uh talk about spending a lot of time on a road uh i learned this watching the master class
on skin care have you seen it who did it three different people that i i don't know their names
off the top of my head but uh three different three or four different people in the skin care
you're like aestheticians yeah uh one could one might be a dermatologist one might be i don't know
their titles. I just watched it for the information. So the best might not always be the best
for your skin type. Well, you know. That's all. So what is the best? I'm going to ask you a question,
Dan. I don't know any asceticians. I don't know any fucking dermatologists. Is this like Italian thing
you're going into it? What is, what's the voice? What are we hearing here?
It's a little weird. I'm being defensive Italian. Oh, defensive Italian. I don't know, you know.
But you always get those deep cystic pimples
In a triangle of death
Jesus, great
Really?
Uh-huh
Many two-faced
What's going on?
Many two-faced over here, dog
Right here, triangle of death
Yeah, I get that
Right, and that's dangerous
I know, I could die
Let's move on from face
Wait, we didn't get through your shower routine
Yeah, I'm very curious about it
Is it too personal?
No, not personal
I'll share it
I take two showers
One in the morning, one at night
Whoa, dude, he's next level, dude.
Matter of fact.
You get completely naked?
Want to take a shower?
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Do you take the showers in the morning
because you still get the meat sweats at night?
Well, you remember the meat sweats.
I take a shower.
I don't remember everything.
I do take a shower in the morning,
not due to the fact that I was sweating at night.
I just feel it's a reset for me.
I agree.
For the day.
So I get in the shower, I put on the gloves, and I do a full body scrub down from that.
Now, do you put the, do you use soap or is it a body wash?
I'm using now a barred soap.
So you take the, may I ask?
Yeah.
Do you take the bar, you have the glove, and you go, check, check, check, check, take the two gloves.
Whoa, a double penetration there.
I like that.
Get it sudmed up.
Yeah.
do the body
you wash your legs
yeah oh thank God
I do
why a lot of people
apparently don't wash their legs
they just wait for the
oh no no no no no no
no no you scrub the legs
so much so where
I have a
a brush in there
that I
this is this might be a little
too much of you as the handle
I don't know if anybody in the room
is doing this
yeah but this is what I learn from you
I do a full-blown
foot scrub on the bottom of my feet.
Wow.
A heel, and then I do a scrub on top of the foot.
I've never even heard that.
Wow.
A lot of people neglect the feet, and I see it more often than not,
looking down, especially at airports, looking down at people's feet.
Yeah.
And the feet have a, almost like, as soon as the heel starts to come underneath,
there's like a darkness there of dirt.
What are you doing?
What is that?
What is it?
He's had lifelong.
No, no, no.
No, what I'm saying did, no, what I'm saying to you do?
No, don't say that.
That's rude.
I know it's better now, but.
It's much better now, okay?
But I'm doing this is because there's other things that pop up in my mind that were similar.
Okay.
So do you scrub?
No, no, that's not that.
Okay.
What I'm going to say, can I just say my similar before I forget?
Yeah.
Right.
I've never seen you wear a sandals.
Never.
You've never exposed your feet.
Never.
Have you ever seen me expose my feet?
Yes.
When?
Yes, I believe I saw your feet when I went to your home.
No, outside the public.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
In the wild.
No, I never see your feet in the wild.
In fact, here's another thing I've never seen you wear.
Shorts in the wild.
I've worn shorts.
But I've never seen it.
Yeah, because we're doing, I see you at night.
but you don't perform with shorts on.
Never.
Have you ever seen me perform with shorts?
No, you can't see.
Don't even pause.
Don't even, no, don't even pause.
Go ahead.
There was a time.
I actually made fun of it on stage
because you brought me up
and you were in sandals.
And I made fun of your dress
after you got off stage.
The fact that you were in almost a beach type
Do you remember this?
Absolutely.
I don't know why he's saying
he doesn't wear sandals.
You know, I oppose.
I have, no, shut up.
I love you.
No, it's okay.
That was rude.
Yeah, it's okay.
Don't shut up, don't shut up, right?
I oppose this.
I oppose this condemnation.
I oppose being, I had a bohemian look.
No, they were baggy sweatshorts.
Yeah, yeah, it's a bohemian.
It's a different thing.
No, that's not.
That's not.
And you wear slides all the time.
Slides.
You have slides on.
And I said,
This guy had all day to figure out what he was going to wear and he come up.
Go back to the show.
Go back to the show.
God, it's something else.
So, so, why, do you have bad feet?
Personal, personal, personal.
Well, I had foot fungi.
Okay, I had, on the nail.
Everywhere.
So you had, like, an athlete's foot.
And it spread to her genitals.
Oh, my God.
I know you're going to reveal that.
Did it not?
Look at me right now, lady.
I thought this is something, when I try to bring it up.
That's your foot?
That's not my foot, dude.
That's not my foot.
That's your foot.
That's not my foot, dude.
That's insane.
I know, but that's not my foot, dude.
That looks like a sprained ankle.
Yeah, do you want to see my foot, dude?
Do you want to see my foot?
No, that's not his.
The hair pattern is already not his.
Actually, they're beautiful.
I know, exactly.
They're really pretty.
Yeah, I have beautiful feet.
His problems have been solved.
So did you use a medicated, like a prescription?
I went to my doctor, Kaya Okawashiri, old Japanese man, one of the best doctor's in the biz.
And I go, help me solve this problem.
He gave me superpowered gel.
You mean that's prescribed, not over the counter.
And it defeated my situation.
It looks great.
Thank you so much.
And what I'm going to say to you, it did not spread to your genitals.
It was theorized a couple things.
Yeah, it got itchy down there.
But, okay, let's move on.
I'm sorry, my dad.
I know you've been trying.
I know you've a baby now.
And you don't want that out there.
We've already talked about it before.
I don't know why you're so shy about it now.
I'm not shy about it now.
It's just Sebastian.
And for the Sebastian.
If it was like some dirty comic that I have no respect for,
but I have respect for him.
So I don't want to talk about it.
I apologize, but you know what?
Thank you.
I'm not going to change who I am in front.
I've never changed who I am in front of him.
I've told him the wildest shit over the years.
Have I not?
Yeah, and you just kind of get uncomfortable and laugh.
Yeah.
Yeah, but he's always accepted me for what I am.
Yes.
I'm a troll.
I'm a little yellow dirty troll.
Okay?
So that's who I am.
I don't care.
Because you know what?
I'm just being me.
Yeah, you've always been yourself.
But it did pass to my genital.
But my question of that, I don't want to,
how bad is it where it's spreading to people's genitals?
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But anyway, I'm sorry for that. So you're back in the shower.
I just open. So you've done your feet. You do the top of the feet.
I get out. I get out. Now I do recently.
I've been getting really into lotion.
Never been in that game.
No?
Yeah.
I just notice as the older I get,
skin starts to dry out a little bit more.
I'm doing a lot more lotion.
And then I have kind of a daytime cologne,
and I'm doing something new that I learned about a year ago
from a good friend that,
similar to what you do with the shampoo.
This is double cologne, one here,
and a different one on the back.
So you get one cologne common
and then another cologne.
Leaving.
Wait, are they two different smells?
Two different smells, yeah.
So you're going to hug me, right?
Say, oh, hey, so, man, how you doing?
How's you doing?
You know what I mean?
And...
How's Mama Mia doing?
Riggatoni.
How's a little Liketoni doing?
Yeah.
I want to just, you know, and then I hug you.
You hug me.
Right.
And you come.
Did we kiss on the cheek?
No, it's just a...
Okay. All right. Not European.
No.
Okay.
And you'd come in and you'd get one, one, like, you'd, oh, what is that?
He's got out.
And then, oh, what is that?
It's like, it's...
Oh.
And then it's...
Can I steal that?
You could steal that.
I'll tell you something I stole from you.
From my podcast.
When the time is up, we have.
I had a little duck.
No way, you were...
Took that right from you
after I left that day.
Really?
So my producer, go get a fucking duck.
So we know when this shit's over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that the new thing?
What do you put out?
It's the ghost.
But it's not out yet, right?
No, no, no.
You put it on there, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Was it always the ghost?
I thought you had something else.
It might have been something different
a couple years ago, yeah.
What's the last time you were here?
Years?
No, I'm two years.
Two years.
No, we like the ghost, but yeah, we still use the ghost.
Yeah, that's interesting.
You use a duck.
You remember that.
You remember that.
That's what I took for?
So what's the time limit?
Because I know when I, I know when the ghost comes out.
We're ghosting at an hour.
Yeah, that's what we do.
Yeah, I stole that from me.
And then we'll go a little over.
Do you ever go a little over?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You don't have guests yet on yours.
We had you on.
Yeah, but who else?
Anybody else?
We had a variety of different people, Andy Garcia, you, we had Dane Cook, we had Whitney Cummings.
Yeah, the standards.
Yeah, we had all right.
Yeah, yeah.
But you can get people, you can get people, do you wink?
I can't wink.
Try.
So seductive.
Wow.
You can't do one eye.
yeah that's two eyes you're blinking yeah yeah yeah maybe you hi me oh you can't either you can't
wink either can you wink I have bells palsy oh that's right sensitive subject yeah but I but yeah
I can't even yeah could you can't either yeah that's a strain you got it can you can you got it
can you got it can you got it's a stroke can you do it without moving your mouth oh no you can yes I can go
Go ahead.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, at least I can wink one eye.
All right.
These fools can do, they're double eye blinking.
Am I?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, no.
That's good.
That's good.
Whoa, you could do both.
Very good.
I think the wink is a lost art.
Like the yo-yo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know the Filipino guy invented the yo-yo.
We don't really.
I care about that stuff.
Yeah, but, you know, we don't, that's not...
Right, Gil?
Yeah, sure.
We care.
That's very congratulations.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
The Philippines have done a lot of great thing.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
But I think the Italians of them more...
With dishes.
What is it?
With dishes.
Like an Italian dish?
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
Yeah, Pedro's yo-yo.
But the wink is a dying art form, and I agree, because I do like when someone throws me a wink.
If you got a wink...
I think a wink.
I think a wink.
a wink is more of a girl thing.
A girl would do it to a guy
opposed to a guy doing it.
Yeah. I also loved it when I was a kid
and like an adult would
like wink just for fun,
not in like a bad way, but just like in a playful way.
I remember feeling like, oh, it's like a warm person.
I don't know. Guys can wink, dude.
I don't think I should. A young comics got off the stage.
This is what I do. Good job, kiddo.
It's passing.
I don't see a lot of, I, I, I don't see a lot of making going on.
You don't?
No.
Okay.
Do you guys see any, any winking going on?
I mean, within the last year, have you anybody winked at you?
The guy in the back, has anybody winked at you?
No.
Okay, maybe you're right.
I don't think a lot of people are doing it.
But you're saying it's okay if we wink at you?
It's okay either way, but I think, I think women, the wink on a woman to a guy, I think is more sexy than a guy doing it.
Okay.
There's some reasons, shared knowledge, comfort, satisfaction, flirting, or sexual attraction.
Okay.
I'll give you another one. I'll give you another one.
I don't know how to wave.
I don't know how to wave.
Wave to me.
Hey.
Hey.
I've never done that. I don't know how to do it.
So what do you do?
Yeah. I can't see you waving.
That's more like you.
Oh, yeah, that's not a wave, dude.
That is a wave.
That's a hurrah.
That's a way.
That's a ICU.
That's not.
Yeah.
Hey.
That's a salute.
Oh, that's good.
You do it one little quick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is like, yeah.
Yeah.
We're in kindergarten.
I know, I know, but.
Hey, you know.
I want to teach me again?
See if I can do it.
Say something.
Hey, Bobby.
There's too much this.
Yeah, I don't know how to do a double quick.
And I think your arms are too, like, flexed.
Okay.
So relax a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, you got to relax.
yeah yeah perfect just one maybe
that's really nice
is too appropriate
no I don't see it too
yeah you do it too I want to see if I
hey how you doing
it's good
for coming from you
it looks always good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
now do you celebrate
that's a great question
do I celebrate yeah not in
like
not in with arms up
I can't see you doing this.
Yeah, we won!
My celebrations are very private.
The celebrations would never be in front of mixed company.
Celebration with my family, but never, like, if I got good news here, I wouldn't be going, yeah!
Oh, I see, I see.
I have done this before.
You know what I mean?
I'll get a call from somebody.
And then go, hey, kid, you got it.
You got the job.
And I'll go, and I'm with people.
I go, okay, cool.
I'll be right back, guys.
And I'll go to the bathroom.
Yeah, yeah.
You've done that?
Yeah.
Yeah, I like that.
Yeah.
And then I leave the bathroom and he'll brag.
I got it.
Oh, I'll never say anything.
I'll go, okay.
Yeah, you don't say things.
Nothing.
Yeah.
You just get it.
It's it.
And then whatever it is, they'll see you in it or whatever.
it is, you know what I'm saying? Are there still things
that you get now that still
excites you? Because, you know, once
you get things, eventually
you get numb to getting things,
and then nothing really excites you anymore.
Because I just got a job
maybe three months ago that,
remember, I can't just talk about it, but like,
I was like, yeah, you know what I mean? Do you still
get jobs like that?
Yeah, I still get excited. Yeah, I do.
Oh, cool. The level
of excitement vary between whatever
the thing is, but yeah, there's
always an excitement. If I really wanted something, there's always an excitement that,
oh my God, this is going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. But never share that with... Mixed crowd.
Mix crowd. Or, you know what? Or just in general. My agent tells me I got a job, they're excited,
and I'm not showing any excitement. Were you allowed to celebrate as a kid?
Yeah, but I don't know what it is with, like, sharing like that. Because I feel like a celebration
is a very, like, intimate thing
that you only reserve for the people that are close to you.
Well, don't they say, like,
be careful who you share good news with
or something to that effect?
What do you mean?
Like, when something good happens in your life,
if you got a job or whatever,
like, be careful who you share that news with
because not everyone in that room wants you to succeed
or something like that.
Yeah, that's a very Sicilian way to think.
Yeah.
I mean, I had, I saw, there was a comment that I know,
and I shared something with them
I go I got this job right
and he goes
how do you work all the time
how do you get this shit
instead of going congratulations
and it really bummed me out
right like you could share anything with me
and I'll be like oh dude
fucking congratulations I'm really happy for you
you know I mean because the things that you get
I wouldn't even be able to get anyway
you know what I mean it's like not right for me
or whatever you know I mean but it's like
a lot of comics when you share it with them
they're just not they're just bitter
about it and weird. It's like
I just, I'm not going to do it anymore.
You know? Yeah, don't
do it.
What do you mean?
Well, just, yeah, do you share it with your dad?
Yeah, of course. I share with the people that are tight with me.
Yeah, I don't go and...
You know, I love seeing photos your dad, the joy in his eyes.
Yeah, he's very... He's very...
Yeah, like you bring him to games, you bring him to some of these events, and I see
the joy in his eyes.
and it puts joy in my eye.
That's very nice of you.
Yeah, he's very proud.
My mother's very proud.
They're all,
yeah, it's nice for them to be alive
to kind of like share this ride with me.
Yeah, it's fucking amazing.
That's you and De Niro and your dad.
Yeah.
That's insane.
So there I had an emotion.
That was an emotional day for me.
There I actually cried on the,
God, what that, why is her name?
Gail King's show
because we were in Chicago
we were doing an interview
and I'm talking about the movie
and I'm sitting there in between
my father and De Niro
talking about the movie
and it just kind of all hit me at once
that we're making a movie
based kind of on my life
and my De Niro was playing my dad
it was kind of like a moment for me
so I think we talked about the last time
you were here but it's the top of whatever
I mean it's the top
But let me ask you this
Let's be real, okay?
Let's get it out on the open, right?
Do you know that you're doing well?
Do you do you mean?
Like, I mean, it's like, you know, people have...
Like, are you ever, like, in bed at night,
like clutching your pillows and you're like,
I can't believe I got here?
I don't say I can't believe I got here.
No, listen, I always...
Do you remember?
remember when you came to my house
on fucking, when I lived in the condo
you remember there was that
HBO show
it had something with a plane or whatever
and then you rehearsed it with me
yes I remember it was like two or three lines
and you were like and you didn't even get it
no you were good in the audition
we worked on it together yeah right
and you went from there
yeah not getting a fucking reoccurring
to what you're doing now
I mean there must be
there
there is a
listen listen to answer your question
do I ever say that
I can't believe I got here
generally speaking I don't
relish in
moments like that
doing a movie like that
I'm always thinking of
how's this going to do
is this going to you know
is this going to open another opportunity
I never really enjoy
what's happening to me in the moment
and you know I think
the last three or four years, I have been saying to myself, wow, it's really, really a nice
place to be.
I have a beautiful family to share it with, and I am taking more appreciation in where
I'm at professionally than I ever have.
You know what I'm doing, dude?
Go.
A while back.
Nice.
A while back, right?
I did something with Larry David, right?
And I was sitting there with him, and we're talking.
it wasn't a big thing
you know what I mean
you know I had it's a little thing
I was doing with him right
and I in my mind I'm like
you know what dude I mean
because he's getting older
I'm a huge fan
and he you know
the difference between when I did
curb your enthusiasm 15 years ago
and this was completely different
he was just like
how you doing man you're doing great job
you know what I mean
thank you for you know
I mean being with me
you know what I mean you're like
we talked you know what I mean
and in my mind I'm like
you know what if this is
I don't give you don't
give a fuck. I'm a
fan of his, you know, I can't
believe he even knows who I am. You know what I mean? And I'm just
going to appreciate this moment with him. You know what I mean?
And I'm doing that from now. I don't give a fuck, dude. Even
if it's a little thing, you know what I mean? I'm just
like, I'm 54, dude. Who knows
now? I'm at the last stretch, I think.
You need your colonoscopy. You scheduled that.
What? You haven't scheduled your colonoscopy yet.
I just did that.
Yeah.
How was it?
I was never put under a table.
You're supposed to get it at 50.
Your 40 years overdue is what I'm saying.
Yeah, you should get it.
Just get it.
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
Just going and get it done.
How was yours?
It was great.
Is it burn?
What happens?
No burning.
No burning.
No burning.
Yeah, yeah.
Just to put you under and you wake up.
up and you're out of there. You're out?
Yeah. Why did they put you out?
Because unless you, I've been cold scoped where they've gone in at my regular GI doctor's
office and they're like, let's have a look. And I'm like, what do you mean? Let's have a look.
Like, let's just go in there. And they went in there and I was fully awake. I didn't love it.
And he was, but he was able to see like, you know, everything that they were seeing.
But Kawashiri the other day, stuck two fingers in there. He's like, everything's look good.
I feel like that's normal, like physical. Yeah. Yeah, but I trust that. But you
You don't get two fingers in there, right.
You need a camera all the way up there.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, because you're smoker, all the things, you know.
Yeah, but, you know, I have a small anal tube.
Okay.
I think two fingers.
Anyway, let's move on.
But anyway, yeah, go ahead.
No, do you guys, do you guys ever had a moment where, like, like, years ago when you're like, oh, I don't think I won't make it?
Or, like, I don't think this is it for me, but then you had the opportunity to come across.
And you're like, oh.
So, you're young man.
You're young, and you want to know that question.
So five years.
to doing stand-up comedy I was wondering
why am I not making a living at this
what's going on
when's it going to happen I remember
actually talking to Johnny Sanchez
about this in the parking lot of the comedy store
he's like bro you only been doing this five years
you know it takes time you know
and so that was the only kind of hiccup I had
oh yeah no that's a
wow that's you hi me
early yeah that's you
yeah it's me yeah it's me look at me
Look at it.
Am I that old?
I like that hair.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a...
Is that high school?
That is 17.
17.
Yeah, yeah.
That's Hayd Day.
Handsome.
Wow.
That hair line.
That hair is good.
That hair line, I wish I had that hair.
God.
I mentioned being that age and having your success.
Yeah.
I imagine.
Yeah, I peak way too late.
Yeah, yeah.
No, but so go, so.
at five years tell him so five years i got discouraged i wasn't going to quit i was just discouraged
where i was at i was still working at the four-season's hotel i was you know not headlining any
clubs which you know back then i shouldn't have been headlining any clubs but i was just looking
to work more as a comedian than i was as a waiter and it wasn't happening until two years later
after the seven-year mark i got a little break and started started working the the clubs
but after that, no, I never really doubted.
I just knew it was going to happen.
I just didn't know when.
But I was putting in the work.
We knew it was going to happen with you.
I think I do.
I did believe that.
Well, you've always been supportive of me and my...
Thank you.
You were there from the beginning.
This guy was there when I was doing a stand-up comedy class for Sandy Shore,
and you introduced...
You hosted it in the main room.
So you've been there.
You've been there from, and you were working the door.
I remember when you were working the door
and the Eddie Griffin and the whole thing.
I want to talk about that.
Do you remember how tough it was back then at the store?
It was terrible.
It was terrible.
The way it was run?
No.
What do you mean?
It was no good.
It was no good.
I mean, it would be like, oh, you have a 945 spot.
That means you're not going to get up.
Yeah.
You show up and say, oh, Mensia, Eddie Griffin, Dice is there.
You were there back then, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And we're like, okay, we'll go home.
No, I didn't go.
I never went home.
You stayed.
So I stayed.
You did?
So I would have a set.
This is back in 1999, say.
Yeah.
Eddie Griffin would pop in.
And normally now a celebrity pops in.
They do whatever, 20 minutes, 30 minutes.
But back then, you know, Eddie Griffin would go on past an hour, maybe sometimes two.
and by the end of the thing it would be midnight
and a lot of people were kind of filtering out and whatnot
but the way I thought about it is
I don't care who is here at the end
this stage time I can never make up again
so I got to get the 15 minutes in
because who knows what's going to come out of my mouth
maybe a new bit maybe this maybe that
so I always stayed and everybody else left
I would leave yeah I just like I waited all day
for this and this is not going to come in between me and me getting up on stage only if it's
for two or three people that are half paying attention so listen the way it's the way it's working
now stand-up comedy and i'm not deep in the trenches of it and you could speak to this probably
more than i could just because i'm not living it day to day but back then i just felt like everybody
was looking to get up on stage whether it be at the comedy store dublins miagis yeah a
laundry mat whatever everybody was looking for multiple sets yeah and that's all we were doing there
was no social media back then so we didn't have anything to do as far as like oh i got to create a
video there was no podcasting so the comedy was all we were living for right now today is that true
with the young comedians are they getting up on stage night in and night out or is there too many
other factors involved now where comedy is is not as important
I got to hear this.
I want to hear your point.
Why are you laughing?
He started laughing at me.
Go ahead.
Yeah, the whole room did.
Yeah.
Answer it.
Answer it.
Go ahead.
No, you make me nervous now.
Yeah, you're the ambassador for all young people.
There's no right or wrong answer.
I'm just saying it's a different answer.
I would know more than him, I think.
Because I'm at that level.
What?
You're not an open, Micer.
No, but I'm still a right.
I hang out with more open micros than regular people.
Like Rams, you know, not Ramsey's got passed,
but I'm just saying like that level of like still people working at the door for my friends.
Like Catbird, she does this, she's that works at the door.
So I know, you know what I mean?
And yes, it's they still grovel for stage time.
Anywhere, everywhere else in town?
Everywhere, you know what I mean?
Is there still those opportunities for the young comedians to go to?
Well, they have bigger opportunity.
They have don't tell.
You know what that is?
No.
You don't know what Don't tell is?
Have you heard of Don't Tell?
Yeah.
Every city now has this thing called Don't Tell.
It's the same guy.
But, like, you know, Philadelphia has three don't tells.
And they basically, they tape, you know what I mean, young guys' local sets, but like a TV.
Like, it's high definition cameras, really good lighting, the whole thing, right?
And they put it on their platform, Don't Tell.
And it's just as big as doing the TV.
tonight show in terms of views and stuff so now kids are vying for don't tells in all these cities
you know i mean so it's like um so it's it's a comedy club that's no it's a basically it's a show
on the internet on youtube and social media called don't tell and a lot of these young guys
are getting you know i mean sometimes they give half hours to these guys so so it's in front of
an audience yeah and then stand up yeah at a club yeah this is
This is a don't tell.
Who's this?
Gawfrey did a don't tell.
And it's like this.
People.
Well shot.
Yeah, it's well shot.
So this is like a special.
Like this is like the premium blend of today.
Exactly.
But every city now has three don't tell shows going.
Oh,
a weekend or whatever.
Gotcha.
Right.
And they're taping them and people are watching it.
And now guys at Gauphrey's level is now doing don't tell.
There's a lot of them doing it.
Half a million views.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's like, that's the new thing, you know.
That's interesting.
I wonder.
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Look at these are all that don't tell.
I was like, who's done them?
Like, you know cat daddy?
No one, no, is that a guy's name?
Yeah.
So it's like, it's all these people are just, you can just go down.
And it's like, it's not open mic.
I don't think they pick like newbies.
Like, who's that right there?
I've never seen that anyway.
But, you know, people that are, you know, where you were at in five years in.
And I think that if there was a don't tell back then, you would have made it faster.
Like Craig, Conan, as I don't tell, right?
That's Conan.
He's established, you know, so it's like...
That's interesting.
And this is just through the website or YouTube has this?
YouTube?
Yeah, YouTube.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like Ralph, 6.9 million?
Did it do it?
Yeah, Ralph did one.
People are doing it.
All right.
Like legitimate people.
And also, you can break in now if you're living in Houston.
Yeah.
So I think what the internet has done is open it up for people to
maybe even stay in their hometown and do comedy
and not have to come here or New York like we did.
Now, have you thought about moving?
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Like in this episode, we talk about the time when you were coughing up.
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now yeah yeah we had recently thought about moving but we uh we we didn't we were we got cut up in
the austin uh should we go to austin yeah and this was recently this wasn't in the beginning uh when
everybody went but i'm like you know what let me go and check it out so i went there with my family
a couple of times uh we were not moving primarily for comedy we were moving for more community
Yeah.
And it just didn't work out for us in regards to finding a place to live.
Oh, I see.
So we're here.
Yeah.
I'll never move L.A.
No?
Dude, I'm L.A. through my blood.
I stay forever.
I will not move.
L.A. is my spot.
He wants to live on an island with a farm with a bunch of animals.
I would live on a farm and an island.
You just...
It's the opposite of LA, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you want to move.
No, what, no, what?
Don't you love Hawaii?
I, you know.
No?
I do like Hawaii, but I've went twice.
I went to Maui, and I've been to Honolulu.
And, um, I don't know.
I just, you know what it was for me?
Tell me.
I didn't get, like, good food.
Interesting.
Interesting because let me say something, okay.
We go there just for the food.
We go only for the food.
Oh, you do?
Oh, yeah.
We know plus spots there that'll blow your fucking up.
Yeah, maybe I was not.
You call me.
Okay.
Do you eat, like, have you had, like, local, like, Hawaiian food?
I don't, I don't, like, give me something.
Because it's hard to do that in Maui.
If you're in, like, the hotel area, you're not going to get, like, lunch plates with, like,
pullehoe ribs, you know, like.
like the ribs, the, the, the, um, Kaluwa, um, pork.
The soul food.
There's lao, there's stews.
It's, it's, it's extremely delicious, but it's hard if you're in the,
yeah, I don't think I got it.
But there are restaurants like pig and the lady.
Do you ever go there?
Wait, that's Vietnamese.
I know, but it's also very good, yeah.
The fine dining is good there.
I did the one restaurant that's on the beach that everybody goes to.
It's like, no, you don't, you're not, listen to me right now, guy.
Listen to me right now, guy.
All right, my Italian friend, okay?
is we don't do what mass do.
Tourism.
Yeah.
Exactly.
You were just there.
Yeah.
We go, you did the tourist shit.
I saw all this.
Yeah, yeah, you did the whole luau and stuff.
Okay, but I was in the group.
Yeah, yeah, you did that. Exactly.
That was one night.
You're Mr.
fucking tourism.
No.
What I'm telling you right now is we know, like, you know, you like Asai Bowls?
Yeah.
You do?
Yes.
We know the best spot in Oahu for Isai Bowls.
What's it called?
The Cove.
The Cove.
Yeah.
Hands down the best you'll ever have.
I'll bet my life on it.
Is that on the beach?
No, it's not.
It's inland in a really weird mini mall.
A strip mall.
Yeah, so I don't, I did not do the, that Hawaii.
I did the more.
We're at the hotel and what's good here, you know,
or we stepped out for a little bit.
And your Mau, I bet you're saying that that grand Wai'Lean because of the kids.
No, this is pre-kid.
Oh, you haven't been since pre-kid.
I haven't been since the kids, yes.
So eight years, nine years ago.
Bring the kids to the Grand Waiolias.
They have the best.
No, I'll tell you why.
Not for him.
Oh, the slides.
The slides for the kids.
Oh, yeah.
I love slides.
I do.
You do?
I love a water slide.
A big one?
Yeah.
Give me where I should go.
Well, I mean, I'm not piped in on.
You just remember going down the water slide.
And it's fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Even as an adult, it's not like I'm like, oh, you got to go to the one that they got over there.
No, why?
Well, then you don't like slides, then.
Tell me the best slide.
Well, I mean, you acted as if like you're a master slide.
No, I, yeah, yeah, you're not a master slide.
I'm not a master slide.
It's like, I like skydives, jump, I like to diving.
Where do I go?
I like skydiving.
I've never done it, but, you know, I like that concept.
Well, you can say, yeah, I like skydiving.
I've done skydiving.
I have, but what I'm saying is trying to give you an example.
If someone says they're like skydiving,
they're not necessarily going to tell you,
oh, you got to go skydiving off the coast of Pakistan.
Okay, okay.
With the water slides, I've done it.
Yeah, yeah.
And it's fun.
Yeah.
But, you know, now that I have kids, we've got a hint of a slide.
It was very small.
Yeah.
And I'm like, oh, this is fun.
I would like to do this again somewhere.
Is raging water still a thing?
Wet and Wild was.
Wet and wild, raging waters in San Dimas was a thing.
Would you ever do this?
Do what?
I'm going to ask you, all right?
I already contend that it's a no.
So I'm already protecting my heart from it, right?
But if I called you, A, Seb, there's a new water slide, so-and-so.
Next Thursday, you want to go?
I would entertain the idea if I could bring my family.
Yeah, bring your family.
I'll go.
You would come to a water park with us?
You know, hey, why, why, why?
You by yourself.
Why?
I know your wife.
I know it a very long time.
There's nothing to do with you.
It has everything to do with the water park.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
What?
You know, if we, I would like to go to a less populated water park.
Let's say on vacation at the hotel.
That's a nice water park.
To go to one of these wet and wilds.
and we've been there actually you know who i went one year
it was in los vegas
i went sorry
i went to the water park with god who was the comedians
was it brett ernst
we went to a water park there's two other comedians i can't remember
their names right now okay anyway
and it's a it's a nightmare the lines
but dude check this out okay what about this okay
what if i could come up with this situation like
I rent it out the fucking water park.
If you're going to run out the water park, I'm in.
Really?
Yeah.
But it's going to be, there's going to be 30 other comedians there.
Yeah, that's fine.
Okay.
It's as strangers as you have a problem with.
No, it's not a strange.
It's just the long lines.
It's just the long line.
Oh, no, we don't wait in line.
It takes, like, a while.
Do you do Disneyland?
I've done Disneyland, yeah.
With the kids?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you do chaperone?
We have a chaperone, yeah.
We've had one.
Yeah.
I do chaperone.
And do you like the chaperone?
By by myself?
I'm sorry?
By myself, I'll just go.
You go Disneyland by yourself with a chaperon?
Yeah, yeah.
So you just hang out with the chaperon.
Yeah, get me in front of this line.
But do you talk to the chaperone
as you're going through the parquet?
That was fun.
Yeah, Steph, or whatever our name is.
Hey, Steph, can you get me?
You want a corn dog?
I'll say that.
You know what I mean?
Hey, where are the good funnel cakes?
I'll do that.
And then we'll go to California Dreman
and we'll ride the Incredibles ride.
With the chapero?
Yeah, now go, you want to get on the, Ryan?
I'll go in with you.
Woo-woo.
It's pretty fun, right?
Yeah, what?
It's pretty fun.
It's pretty fun, dude.
Look at how interested Caroline is.
Yeah, Caroline, we've been watching you.
I've been with my peripheral vision, okay?
I've been watching you, and there's a lot going on.
I'm sending texts about this guy right now.
Yeah, all right.
She's working.
So Caroline's your assistant.
No, she's the social media.
She's the social media.
Which one's your assistant?
Allie right there.
Allie's your assistant.
Michael's the PR.
And Michael's PR.
Yeah.
You work for a PR firm, Michael?
Okay.
Sir?
Okay.
Captain?
The fuck?
Yeah, yeah.
Very professional.
Yeah.
What, can I just, I want you to keep a job, but let me just ask you about social.
I want you to keep the job, but it's like, you can't do your own social media?
No.
Okay.
Why?
You don't want to do it?
I just, there's a lot involved.
involved in like the posting when to post how to post you know yeah yeah yeah i lost that ability
like soon after instagram right like the the updates and this and it's it's it's a lot it's a lot
to do yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't do it i rarely right am i the worst at it yeah you post rarely i
post rarely well you don't need to once a month you're like j z what you just called him out
and then you admitted you don't you should have one you need somebody to post for you
Yeah.
Why?
Why do I need it?
It'll help.
That's the philosophical question I want to ask, okay?
Why do you need it?
Social media?
Yeah.
Because what?
It kind of operates as your business front, right?
It's your storefront.
It's your storefront.
Yeah.
But I think that less is more.
Not actually, actually.
Untrue, because Instagram starts to kind of tuck you away.
The only time I'll use it?
The only time I fucking use it, right?
The only time is when...
You know what?
I have to ask you something.
Yeah, go ahead.
You've been doing this accent throughout the whole thing.
Is it offensive?
No, not offensive.
Just curious to the group.
Like, when you've got a black guy in here or Chinese or Indian,
do you go into like an Indian thing when they...
Unfortunately, yes.
Oh, he does?
I just want to know that grouped in with the, this is not specific.
I mean, I don't, I'm not like, if there's a black person on it, I don't go overtly like, what's up?
He does.
Yeah, I do, I do.
Okay, yeah, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you.
All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You feel me?
You feel me?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Anyway, I do do that, but, I mean, we just had Frankie Kignonis and it was like, homie, homie, homey, homey, I thought the whole time.
What was the whole time?
What was a homemy?
You know what?
Okay. I'm just wondering if it extended.
Well, it's, you know, I'm an everyday man.
And I connect with all kinds of varieties to people.
You know what I mean?
The gays come on.
I'm like, hi.
I mean?
How are you?
You know what I mean?
That kind of thing.
I feel that's the one group you don't do that.
What?
Is the gay group?
I don't do that with the gays?
Yeah.
Because I feel like that's a little sensitive.
Gacy.
Don't you think?
I was going to say.
What?
Nothing.
Because you think I'm gay?
I was like.
I think you have a theory that I'm gay.
That's why you won't do it.
But no, I don't think you're gay.
No, I think you are, um, I think you are, um, bisexual.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Why is how many taking notes about it?
Yeah, wow, wow, wow.
Why do you take, what are you taking notes for?
I'm not bisexual.
Okay.
No, I believe you.
Yeah.
We did it for 10 years.
That doesn't mean anything.
You thought it was bisexual when we're dating for 10 years?
I'm a big, back bitch.
Yeah.
I have, I have, I have, I have, I'm drogenous features.
I'm an athletic man.
Carla has broad shoulders.
Because I dated one girl, Sarah, right?
And then when we broke up, she'd be married a woman.
So they think that there's something bisexual about me.
That's not why.
It's because you comment on men's lips and butts.
A lot.
You have a very good night of lips.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you have a very nice butt.
Put the ghost up.
Actually, it's about time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is about time.
But I mean, let's get this straight.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's get this straight, Seb, right?
Why can't I say to you, and I'll be honest with you, right?
I'm not attracted to you.
I'm not attracted to you.
But I always think that you've had nice lips.
And you have a protruding butt.
And you have a protruding butt.
And I really don't like it.
Does that make you feel uncomfortable?
No.
Exactly.
I don't like your lips.
I don't know.
I don't like your butt.
But there are other.
aspects of your body. Actually, I don't.
But my point is, is that if I, you know, but
anyway, you're not good.
You're complimenting somebody on the features that
happens to be the same sex. It's fine. I don't take it on any offense.
Do you ever, have you ever done that?
Complementing a man? I was just going to compliment how
how straight your teeth are.
Look, we're going to smile.
Stunning. Stunning.
Yeah. What's wrong with that?
And I can concur. And I agree.
Why are you smiling like that, though?
Because, you know, I've always thought about a complimenting on you on the teeth.
No, I have.
And, you know, I've always thought it.
And I just never did it until he did it.
And it gave me the courage, you know, to do it.
So you have a very nice teeth.
But you have a flat face.
You know what I mean?
And it's like a pan.
And that's that.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And your body is doughy.
Thank you.
Lately.
Lately.
And I can go around and do negatives as well.
Okay?
I can.
And you know, do you look at your body and go, I can improve this?
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
I think I lost a lot of weight.
But down here, there's still this.
It's just skin.
Oh, you think I was so fat that now I have like loose skin?
Yeah, with your ozempic, you just don't work out.
I think you're supposed to work out.
Or else, like, you atrophy.
Your muscles go away too.
I have no muscles, yeah.
Or bone density.
Yeah, so you're like skinny fat.
I'm skinny.
I think that's the problem with the ladies.
That's not the problem with the ladies, I promise.
What is the problem with the woman?
It's your attitude and just your a lot of things, but not the body.
It's not the body.
It's the insides.
My inside is...
Your insides are rotten.
Oh, my God.
Oh, wow.
The body's good.
Your body's good.
Your body's great.
Yeah, yeah.
But my inside.
It says a rot in your body.
Yeah.
Okay.
Body's tea, though.
The body's tea.
Body's tea. Okay, good. Thank you.
At least that.
So your special is out already?
Your specials out?
It's November 21st.
November 21st, your spouse comes out.
On Hulu, yes.
What's it called?
It ain't right.
It ain't right.
And you filmed it already.
I filmed it in Chicago, my hometown.
Yeah.
And this is the first special I've ever done in an arena,
which I've been kind of weary of doing a special in an arena
just because I don't know if you really get the intimacy of comedy.
But the way we did it, I'm very proud of it.
It's, I'm very proud of it.
It's good.
I like it.
Do you get nervous in front of arenas anymore or no?
No.
No, I never really got a nerve.
No, there's no nerves.
There's no nerves.
A little bit of anxiety before I go on, but nothing like, nothing that's cool.
Because you know it.
I know it. I know what I'm going to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was nervous when I, you know, when I first started doing large crowds,
I was a little nervous and unsure of myself.
I think it was the Vince Vaugh and Wild West Comedy Show
that I was introduced to theaters.
Yeah, yeah.
A little nerve-wracking there because I never did theaters before.
But the arenas, yeah, they're good.
Is that the arena you did it?
Yeah.
Incredible.
That was, I had my red and black.
No, can I ask you this?
I'm doing my first special on Hulu.
Yes.
I don't even know what to wear.
Do you ever get problems with what to wear?
Like, how did you choose that outfit?
Well, that was because I was performing at the United Center
in my hometown of Chicago.
That's the, I'm a huge Bulls fan,
so that was the Bulls color.
So I decided to represent the home team.
Yeah, but do you, have you ever been stuck on like,
oh, what do I wear?
Not necessarily stuck.
I've always liked to wear something
that was a little kind of all.
and little kind of strange, not strange,
but something that would catch your eye
if you were kind of scrolling the,
the one regret I do have is wearing a tuxedo
in the last special just because it kind of hampered my movement.
But other than that, this was pretty much an easy.
Because Allie Wong told me to wear what you wear
when you perform at the comedy store.
That's a good, that's good advice.
What I'm comfortable with.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't go, go, this is a special.
I got to wear something that is,
Like a suit or whatever.
Yeah.
I would stick to your...
Jeans.
Yeah, but maybe a little bit more elevated
than you were normally used to.
I mean, no, I mean, you can wear your jeans and whatnot,
but make sure it's like a...
You know, it's just a nice, crisp, clean outfit.
I would kind of buy a new outfit for...
I'm going to wear raw denim.
You mean a made-worn brand, like a shirt
that has no logo on it?
I'm going to wear...
Can I wear a baseball cap?
I like your beanie.
Beanie.
Yeah, something like this.
Yeah, because it's so iconically you.
A beanie.
And then I'm going to wear tennis shoes and just do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's my first and last special.
Or wear a tuxedo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you know what?
You know what?
You look older with it on.
Yeah.
Look much younger with what you were wearing for the Chicago.
Anyway, very good special.
I saw it.
Thank you.
So, check it out.
what's this little throwback to you guys
13 years ago oh my god
this is George is a producer on this
oh you were there for this
yeah so this is the talk show
who is the who is the company that was doing
maker maker yeah yeah yeah
look how young you were dude
yeah wow wow wow
look at you bummy
still dressing good
yeah yeah yeah wow
we've been friends for so long
and then you have any other project movies
anything that you want to plug that's coming out or no
well uh pete and sebastian show
and we have a podcast yeah we've done it great show
Pete and Sebastian show and any films or TV coming out
nothing right now
but you could uh something that a lot of people kind of missed
but I think it's it's a good good listen
if you like podcasts that are storytelling podcast
I did a podcast called Easy Money, the Charles Ponzi story,
which is an eight-episode story about Charles Ponzi
and coming here to the United States in the 1920s
and basically bilking.
You play Charles Ponzi?
Yeah.
Amazing.
In the podcast.
Yeah.
So it's an audio book, but.
It's like a, yeah, it's an audio series.
It's a kind of like a, it's a series that combines scenes.
with investigative journalism.
Wow.
Incredible.
So it's an interesting...
It's interesting, right?
Yeah.
And I got some shows coming up.
Yeah, I don't know if what are we are.
But this is the end of the tour.
We're doing Soaring Eagle
and the Coliseum
that's Caesars in Canada.
And then once you're done with this,
are you going to take a break?
Yeah, I mean, somewhat.
Take a break.
Dude, you've got to relax.
I do.
But I like stand-up.
I know, I know. It's a fun, but, you know.
But, yeah, I'll do.
Take a break.
Give these people a break.
I'll do, uh, in Vegas.
I'll do some shows.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What do they do them then?
Yeah.
Anyway, give Sebastian a round of applause.
That was fun.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I'm gonna be it, I'm gonna beaululing.
Allong kaya, madongedonged nouged nubbombola,
show, kubu Kyi, I doi, lo.
