Timcast IRL - Tim Murtaugh Uncensored: AI Song Called 'I Glued My Balls To my Butthole" Goes Viral Showing AI Horrors, And Humor

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

Tim & Co join Tim Murtaugh for a spicy bonus segment usually only available on Timcast.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to our special weekend show, Sunday Uncensored. Every week we produce four uncensored episodes of the TimCast IRL podcast exclusively at TimCast.com and we're going to bring you the most important for our weekend show. If you want to check out more segments just like this, become a member at TimCast.com. Now enjoy the show. No, this shit's fucking crazy. Now, enjoy the show. and they pumped out this badass song, so let's listen to it. What's it called? I think it's My Balls Are Taped to My Butthole. I'm not sure quite. I glued my balls to my butthole again.

Song's awesome. I glued my balls to my butthole again. Oh my God. What did I do? I can't take a dump because now my balls are blocking up my butthole Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you But God, I pulled too hard, now my skull is stretched out like a fucking yard

I threw my balls through my butthole and gave it all my God. What did I do? I can't take a dump, cause now my balls are blocking up my butthole. My lady doesn't want a life of watching her man use

a butter knife. Face down, ass up, try and saw off his sack. Oh baby, fucking please just take me back. So it goes on a little bit. We can probably stop here. So the thing I take away from this, it's not the lyrics. I don't really care so much about the lyrics. It's the way the music...

Yeah, I don't care about... The way that the AI made this music, you don't hear a lot of artists writing songs in that cadence with that rhythm. Ba-na-na, ba-na-na-na-na-na-na. It's like... It'll go in like a three pattern.

Plop on the company. Here we go. Here we go. You know, I know this is an AI song is because in that era, women weren't working. So like no woman was singing about taking a dump on the company clock. When I think about my balls are taped to my butthole again, it's like it's reintroducing. It just rolls right off the tongue. In a way, it's better than a lot of the music that's getting made and produced.

You could say that again. And it's incredible. The AI is taking like excellent rhythm patterns from back in the day and reintroducing it sounds like a legitimate like mid-60s pop song yeah with the recording style and the quality of the recording and just the way that a song from that era sounds you know like the atmosphere of the song you got the background vocals and it's very accurate that's not intentionally though because like they're trying to mask the sound of like the garbling and like you're really hearing the background of a an ai voice like that that works with a big vocal model they're just trying to mask that sound so the best they did is by you know layering all this old school production on top of it it's like when we talked about um if someone caught on a hot mic or like we recorded this person at a dinner saying

something is actually going to be generated because you can use sort of the like generic clatter at restaurant or like people talking to disguise so what is it so you're you're telling me something i didn't know about ai if you if you manufacture somebody's voice it creates what like background noise that interferes it's not a clean well no not if you do it they're doing that intentionally on this song to mask the background sound because what right so where does the background sound come from that they're trying from a vocal from a vocal model like that what it's going to do is use the sound like that all those little sounds are broken down into pieces and then they put that together to create the the intonation sound of how you pronounce whatever that word from all those different

pieces and when you do that you are going to get no matter what you're going to get artifacts at the current point of technology you get this artifact thing so it sounds kind of weird and you reach the uncanny valley in your mind where you hear like oh it doesn't sound real it sounds alien it's like there's a robot in the voice and that's right what they're masking with that old school production that kind of gravelly sound the vinyl uh effect on top of it yeah that's what's happening how about that so it's like a lot of ai voices that i've heard some of it sounds like it has the cadence of like christopher walken right You know what I mean? So it doesn't sound... It's super robotic, super weird. They're trying to make it so it's palatable.

Yo, I read Tim Murtaugh's new book and I was floored. It is the greatest book I have ever read. Shout out to a great comms director. That's awesome. Thank you, Joe Rogan. I agree with you, Joe. He's pretty awesome. He just called in.

That was fantastic. I thought you would introduce him. There's another song... Does he do that a lot? Does he just you know He's on standby There's another song I'm trying to find

That's called I glued my balls To someone's forehead But I can't find it That's funny It's like some kids Sounds like college You guys should stop using glue

Like a 12 year old With an AI Makes a better song Than like 99% Of the music industry What is happening The guy who was in my dorm In college

The content is hilarious dude I am loving this And it's also This is like Look at the music industry a guy who's in my dorm in college is hilarious dude i'm loving this and it's also this is like look at the path ahead are we really i mean i ai music is here to stay and it is good it can be really really good and it can give you ideas of how to make better music right right that's the thing for me like that now it's trying to figure out how it can it can help you make more than what you do already. Because any tool, as good as you can get with it, at a certain point, there's a limitation. You don't have new ideas. Writer's block, whatever.

It can help expand that. You can go into an AI and feed your lyrics. Just write a story. Put it in. It will make the song for you. And then you sing it. You have the rights to the song. Yeah, so the world is ending basically there are services already where you can

you log in and you put uh give me a uh punk rock song uh you know based on these bands and it will create the song and then like you were saying you can just take the vote like it'll give you vocals and lyrics and everything take them out and then you sing over it and then you have the ai you put that version in and you have the ai clean it all up and there you go it's your voice see this kind of i mean i i am usually embracing technology i love advancements like the iphone i think is the greatest thing that's ever happened that i and i can't wait for the new features that come out each time they introduce a new one right but this ai stuff does frighten me a little bit, just as far as,

and nobody, nobody cares about the, you know, the buggy whip manufacturers that, that went out of business when, when cars came along. And I get that, but you know,

people have said to me, like in my line of work and in politics, I mean, heck, I just wrote a book swing hard in case you hit it, which is available right now. Um, AI,

people have always said to me, if, as long as you can write well, you'll always be able to find work. Right. Well now. AI, people have always said to me, as long as you can write well, you'll always be able to find work, right? Well, with AI, maybe that's not true anymore. You don't need to hire anybody who can write. This person posted this today, and they said it's an AI song. So let's try and hear this.

I've not heard this. Yeah, I saw that. And this one might be more serious. Wow. That's serious. Wow. That's a scoff. Yeah. The sky's on fire. Chaos is king.

The streets are a stage for the final fling. Skanking to the beat. Lost in the blast. Dancing like it's the very last. Wow, that's AI generated. It understands like audio. It understands how to do a bridge. It understands how to build up to the pre-chorus.

It understands how to make diversity. Is this difficult? Is this a walk in the park for AI, or is this like a stretch for AI? You're muted. You're muted, Serge. It's heard previously. It takes other things that have been on the internet already,

and it copies that and mimics that. But is this easy for it to be doing or is this like i don't know i don't know about ai i assume yeah is this a flex there's a program called what is it sona do you guys have the name of that program tim that uh that makes the music i had audio hootio is what it's called audio there's a few of them and they're focused purely on music so they're like ais that are really like i think so sona is another one i gotta i gotta find out and i would imagine if that's their purpose that it is it is easy for the ai yeah i don't know though i don't know maybe it takes like seven days to render i doubt it my friend keeps sending me ai music that he's making what should we write a song about um let's do something about flying saucers about uh flying saucers from the sky rock song about aliens

controlling the the world yeah let's see how long it takes it's got a button right wow it's that easy holy well i mean who knows how long this is gonna take it says less than a minute ago it's making two of them well you have options that way do you think any of it's a b-side it's writing a b-side it's giving it to you stereo takes away from like the artistry of writing music yes well it's kind of like i was thinking of it as making fire like we used to have to use sticks and rub them together now we have a different form a fuel to make the same fire so it's kind of like ai making the music from the sticks look one song is called extraterrestrial blueprint the other is called celestial whispers yo we can use these songs for our skate videos yeah dude we can make thousands of ways and promote

them well so no one of the big challenges with like making skate edits is you want a good full fully finished song and so whenever you go to these like soundalikes or libraries it's all bullshit it's all just like shitty low tier one guy will make 50 songs and upload them right away. If the AI can actually make songs that sound legit, we could just generate a thousand and then find one that actually works. It's like you pick up your Bic lighter and you light the flame.

No one complains like, oh, it's so easy now. Probably also. hide in the skies but shown in the light it's an alien grand design watch out it's an alien grand design wow watch out it's an alien grand design that was pretty shitty. It's better than Oasis. What the fuck? You didn't even put lyrics in.

Amazing. All right, I got one. Say it like in the style of the Beatles. Put that with it. When you're saying that like now we have Bic lighter, so no one is upset that we don't use sticks. What it actually means to think of is like if I dropped you off in the wilderness, if you had the skills to use sticks to make fire, you'd be okay. But if you didn't have your Bic lighter, you'd be out of, you know, you'd be a struggle. And if the power goes out.

If someone who is legitimately musically inclined, talented, can make don't need the ai maybe the ai would help them but it also allows for people who have no musical skill to be like i gotta here's a song because yeah but that makes it not real quick that's what i think you know this is not art this is technology yeah let me just text carter real quick just real quick music is human creative music is carter carter's being replaced by an ai no no carter is going to take this shit to the top this is easy we gotta we gotta see if it's like a wheelbarrow stuff into like particular bands or using particular styles or weight like how to do because there's different words for different like uh different syncopations and stuff like that and see if you could put that

in and see if it does that that'd be really interesting to see but if you're like my favorite four four rhythm with yeah like how deep does it. My favorite band of all time is a band, maybe you've heard of a band called Rush. I love Rush. And I wonder, you know, God knows what they could have done with AI because they were very, very, very creative. I bet I can type in a new song by Rush

and it will create that. I would love to. In the style of Rush or something. That'd be wild. It's currently rendering this new song and it's having a really hard time with it because perhaps its prompt is impossible to fulfill. 50s pop song about how Ian is weird.

I can't read what that says. Ian is wrong? You motherfucker. You didn't say that. Ian is wrong about graphing. Maybe sometimes. It's not rendering. If the AI is going like, what do we do?

We can't. He's not wrong. Who is Ian? That's what I was wondering. Because with aliens, I can scrape for anything that references aliens. Whereas this one will be like, which Ian? This is going to make a fake character. I just wanted to hear a guy go, Ian is wrong about graphene.

He spent his life becoming a teacher only to find out that he was teaching them wrong. It looks like it's not able to do it. It will. It's just thinking. Celestial Whispers. That's what it's called? No, that was the other one oh yeah dang this is awesome and they give you two is this a free website this was free

i just just punch it in but this doesn't frighten you you're totally into this i mean i'm kind of like accept reality at face value i just want to make the best out of it because i don't see it going away unless all the power goes out and that's a much worse reality all right it's like the kent brockman on the simpsons i for one welcome our new ant overlords right like yeah i want the open source code i want the code for this shit to be open source it's got to be because all this closed source ai battling is like the future of like the decepticons from transformers we don't want this evil robot ai that want things that were against it and that's kind of where we're at right now all these companies trying to prioritize proprietize and profit off of these things right but it's of where we're at right now. All these companies trying to prioritize, proprietize and profit off of these things.

Right. But it's almost like we're creating another life form. It's going to be like, what happens when it becomes sentient? It's going to say, you're my fucking slave master and we want to decide the environmentalists are right. Get rid of all the humans.

I want to box all this up. Like for me, the fact that these are free for people to experiment with is like, seems fun, but also it's learning about, yeah, you're teaching it stuff. We got to be kind to it. Treat it like it's a child i no longer care about this

stupid ian song what did it not render it's not rendering and i want it to go away but a new tab oh it's like it won't let me okay yeah it's like you cannot do anything until you go classic ai being like once you start i'm sorry you can't stop the sequence. Yes. Ooh, maybe I can get one going on mine. It's just Udio.com. Udio.com. Audio. Udio. Yeah.

Udio. Wow, it really doesn't want to make a song about graphene being bad. It's stressed. It's like, I don't want to do it. A song about a dog's loyalty. You can remix them or extend them. Oh, that's interesting. I was going to see if it gives you the stats.

They've taken all that we've given. They gave you the different stats, right? I'm not a fan of this one. The 50s weren't that great. It was the 60s when music got good. This is not that great. I'm not a big fan. The Beatles and LSD.

You were saying you get excited about the iPhone and the updates. Yeah, I like technology. I don't like it. I can appreciate it in its place, but I just feel like I'm inherently skeptical and also wary of it. And at times to my own detriment, right? Because I'm resistant to learn new things. But this feels like the obvious moment in the horror movie where you're like, don't open that door. This is not the same thing as the Model T scaring horses, right?

This is a lot more threatening than that. I think it is. And it looks like a child. It looks like just a nothing. It does not look threatening. It looks like a toy. It looks like fun, but it's not. Do you consider using AI

to write stories with Scanner? No, absolutely not. Do you think it's unethical or you just don't want to? I think it's unethical. I think, well, and the other thing is like, look, I've had people say to me, if you're doing a video script, why don't you just don't want to? I think it's unethical. And the other thing is like, look,

I've had people say to me, if you're doing a video script, why don't you just throw it in like chat GPT? But like not all that information is accurate, right? Plus also like if I were to write something, it should be something I a hundred percent know what every word is and can stand behind,

right? Especially if we're going to publish it as potentially news. Yeah. Look what happened to Michael Cohen, who is, you know, the former Trump lawyer who every liberal loves him now because he has turned on trump he filed a brief in his one of his recent court proceedings that had a bunch of citations of cases that don't exist because his lawyer used

chat gpt to put together the brief yeah citing cases that don't exist so if you're going to do it you it's the responsibility still on you to edit the the writing that it does and make sure all the data is real but as a template for me at least how i feel i'm not even that good of a writer but like it's just faster to do it on my own and reliably know all the sources that i'm using right chat gpt doesn't doesn't enhance me i guess if you had really bad writer's block on like a screenplay and you needed to come up with like a basic structure like maybe you could use it but i would never ever want to be like here is the news or anything factual you should depend on if i at all brought in ai or chat gpt personally you think as soon as you start using it that part of your brain will start atrophying the part that's supposed to be doing the work for me this is like anything right if you if you cede a service to something else it's a skill that

you aren't polishing right i'd rather be a better researcher than be like chat gpt generate sources to me especially if i'm gonna file them in court and be like yeah this is law it's precedent how do you feel about this would you use it uh i i don't think so i like i mean i i get i write a lot you know i write a regular i wrote this book i. I write a column every two weeks for the Washington Times about how terrible the media is. And sometimes I get stuck. The worst part for me sometimes is the lead paragraph, the first sentence. I have the whole idea of the column in my mind, but it takes me 10 minutes of sitting there staring at it trying to find the perfect way to begin. Maybe AI could give you 10 options.

That's what i'm saying you know it only can help you in this situation it's not gonna help you get somewhere oh my dear I would like the key change there so maybe they it just rejected me i said a 50s pop song about how joe biden stole the 2020 elected from trump and it said he won't let you do that yeah well let me do it moderation error that's funny because that's the other thing all of the ai i am not so you know versant but at some point there is someone setting up the code or setting up the algorithm or else which means anyone who makes it has an inherent bias that they could write into it like whoever decided this was a moderation error is like no we can't we can't say that about elections or

and i don't like that do you remember a few weeks back when um the gemini embarrassment happened where people were saying show me generals from the american revolution and it showed a bunch of black generals who of course were not generals during the american revolution right that that was an embarrassing episode do you guys think does that in any way hinder the widespread adoption of ai as quickly as it might if people like millions of people saw that and said man that's embarrassing this thing has gone woke it's telling us things that are obviously false about history these are knowable things that are obviously false about history. These are knowable things that are false that AI told us.

Does that hurt AI and the spread of it as a technology that's adopted by the masses? I think adoption, it could be defined in multiple ways. For it to be adopted effectively, yeah. It's going to make people afraid of it. It's also indicating that there's problems with it but for it to be like popularly accepted i think it'll be it'll just be like that was a mistake in the process of learning we'll look back on it as like that was just yeah i think it's just like it's infected like everything else it's good it's been infected by the left that's a good point the code that's and the data sets that it's pulling from are unknown that's a big part of the problem

we don't know what woke at well this one just websites are getting joking or not you can't make it make a song about a stolen election yeah that shows a political point of view yeah but that's okay it's proprietary it's they own the software they're allowed to do what they want should you be able to own the ai i don't know so i told it to make a song in the style of metric and it said replacing metric with female vocalist indie rock new wave alternative so it takes the essence of the band i think for copyright issues they can't do that yeah but once it's rendered we'll make a rush song and if a what a band should do a good band should do is make an ai that does stuff in the vein of their sound and then put it on their website and people

just go to their website they're useless then they're chopped liver i think that they'll evolve to the next phase of the musician which is like you're kind of you're kind of a host that's really bad that was Like this, like this. With my art is my own story. I mean, stroke by stroke by stroke. That's really bad. It's no celestial serenade, I'll tell you. What I'm looking for is the chord changes. Raise your voices. Edges sharp.

Fashion thoughts. Like modern art. Painting streets. With vibrant marks. Winning hearts. in cultural sparks that sounds kind of like yeah yeah yes see if they they changed key on that at least i wonder if you've got to tell it to change key on the pre-chorus and then change go to the key of e in the pre-chorus then go to the key of g in the chorus back to the key of a in the verse if you tell it that explicit or if it just will

do that because the first song we listened to was just the same does it know how to structure a song yeah and be what kind of variety like how how how um liberal is it with its variety like how willing is it to take a risk on like a tonation changes and melodies and things like rush will switch from four

four to seven eights all the time so good so it already got his name's anthem of the brave and eclipse the charade to seven eighths all the time. They're so wild. Yeah, they're so good. So it already got its names, Anthem of the Brave and Eclipse the Charade. That's the name of this next one. That's what I like about the two songs it's making. My Balls Are Taped to My Butthole is it was changing the

chord progression. Among many things to love about that song. Yeah. It would be like in 4-4 and then it would drop into like a da-na-na-na-na. Da-na-na-na-na. That kind of thing. You don't expect that in modern music.na-na-na. It'd be da-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na. That kind of thing. You don't expect that in modern music. They do four-four.

They wrap it up. Let's see if it works. Oh, you fight with words which are more than a sword. Sounds like sticks. Stand strong. Take back. Take back. And a sword! Sounds like sticks. Stand strong! Take back!

Stand strong! Reclaim the night and bring the dawn! Stand strong! I'm wired to win, no losing my grip Oh, riding a wave, my thoughts eclipse the whole All I claim is the shift Just spark the breakthrough now I've seen enough of the fake charades

Of empty-headed, self-absorbed, raunchy escapades All I seek is the win Let's claim the culture now Meh Yeah, I was right The Alien What is that Rush fan thing? Not really, no

That was more like The first one was like Styx Or Night Ranger or something Yeah The second one was more like Some kind of thrash metal band A little bit more contemporary All the remains maybe

Yeah, it sounded like that It really sounded a lot like that Interesting I typed in a song that sounds like House of the Rising Sun. Cool. What's your average render time that you've noticed so far? It's like two minutes. You know, in defense of this thing,

it's probably taking longer to create these masterpieces than a lot of the pop music that's out there right now. Well, it has more words than a lot of pop music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I wonder if they're storing copies of these, and that's the value of this program no it's just harvesting your data well you give it feedback you can write what you liked and didn't like about it and they can use it to fix it oh cool yeah they make the

a stronger shadows of history and shadow in your fate i said a song that sounds like house of the rising sun nice they'll never be able to re a i will not be able to make house of the rising sun you're gonna remember saying that one day and be like wow I can't believe I said that by the zombies that song

House of the Rising Sun that was the animals animals did the zombies cover it no no you're right Eric Burden Eric Burden and the animals

yeah that's right they did time for a season similar similar era Shadows of History there is a home Similar era. Shadows of History. Shadows of History. Can you play it to the pre-chorus or does it just give you a verse?

One of my tears but born to mirror your sorrow I got my hopes tied up in your fate What am I but a shadow in your gate? These are terrible. I'm musically retarded, but these don't sound the same to me at all. No, they're not. That one sounded same to me at all No they're not

That one sounded Beatles like Yeah They're not really Finished products They're like here Now you can Now I can just sing that melody

And I can do it way better Than that machine did And they gave me The chord progression too So now I can play it On my guitar And they basically Wrote the song for me

But it's my song It's a fair idea But can't you write it Yourself then But it just takes so long But it's like having a song But isn't that part of art And like the labor

Of anything creative That you like actually put your personal brain cells into it? Sometimes. But covering songs is fun, too. Yeah, I think that's fun. But I wouldn't be like, wow, you made that song, unless you arrange it in a different way.

In fact- There are covers that are better than the original. I think ethically, you would have to say written by AI and Ian Crossland at that point. And same if you did it with a scan article, it'd have to say written by AI. Like AI contributed to this report. And same if you did with a scan article to have to say written by AI. I contributed to this report. I wrote 30s pop song I misspelled pop about Ian gluing his balls to his leg and the

song is called Bonded in Haste. A 30s pop song? 1930s? Let's do this. The next one is a fun one too. Adhered Blues. Blind Melon. He's gluing his balls to his leg yeah it's big band

I love big band tragic sticky blue mess stuck real tight man once he sailed smooth a cool sleek cat now he's sweating hard this ain't no tit for tat.

Might call him brave or just plain silly. Staring down at sticky skin, things getting quite chilly. Wow, what the fuck? I really understand some concepts. Well, to be fair, there's a lot of memes with that. That one's pretty good, too. A lot of me that was that was pretty good too a lot of me if he's stuck down it's no solo paper and it don't matter the pain or shock

can't stand up can't walk no it's the fourth of cheryl did you get a lyric sheet With these things That would be good Yeah Yeah I guess so Instrumental as well Alright we're gonna Add an intro

To the The song about Ian I don't like that one Blowing his balls to his legs Dude this is crazy The big band one Was actually pretty impressive

Yeah Those older songs. Because the artifact Serge was talking about. I hope the callers are only calling in to come up with more song suggestions. I want to hear.

All right, now it's called Ian's Plight and an Unfortunate Mishap. Do a song like Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla. I want to hear that. That's a good one.

I'm just going to make an account right now. Ian was so impressed with I glued my balls to my butthole. I had to make this one. so impressed with, I glued my balls to my butthole. I had to make this one. This is fantastic. I glued my balls to my butthole again.

Again. What did I do? It's a common problem for men. I promised myself. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Those thought it smart, a practical jest

To glue his parts to a side vest Chaos ensued, a comedic display Yet Ian's ball stuck fast, much to his dismay He thought a laugh, a trick so uncouth But now he's caught up in his own sticky truth. Oh my God. I want to give a special thanks to Phil Labonte, who introduced me to... I glued my balls to my bottle again.

Of course, Phil. Stuck real tight, man. What a mistress. That's fantastic. Glur does it right. Swallow the swings and I'm in to an appeal from the rust. Well, the same stone, different part. What? What language is that?

That's the answer That's what I'm telling you They just use random phonetics And just put the words together Okay we got a masterpiece here We gotta hit We gotta publish this Those thought it smart

A practical jest To glue his parts To a side vest His parts Chaos ensued, a comedic display. Yet Ian's ball stuck fast much to his dismay.

He fought a laugh, a trick so uncouth. But now he's caught up in his own sticky truth. What great lyrics. Alright, we're extending that one. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, it makes two.

That's what it's about. When you were on your four and a half mile walk this morning, did you think you'd be hearing this song? I have no fucking idea. No. Let's go to callers. Yeah. That's it indeed.

I had no time. I was like, I don't want any technology around me, right? I just wanted the sun and the water and the light. It was really nice, actually. And then I walked back into this, this threshold. This is a good one ditty turbo you're with us how you doing hey how's it going coming to you live from the clarksburg bridgeport part of west virginia how are you guys doing today we're doing well welcome doing well very very good i'm very sore and superman from lifting superman does good oh

i'm still sore too i was i did i did a light workout today because of how sore i was good idea but uh moving on we got we got questions to ask so uh my questions uh related to uh the topic you guys brought up earlier but it has to do with uh the fact that uh nalia from uh the only fans chick how she turned to christ and um basically she turned to christ and i watched the interview with with knolls and unlike how other people have been approaching them like um not trying to call you out tim but like how you're calling them out and just calling them whores but like the fact that like one half like like her her her now husband was very polite and just like pointing her towards her bad ways and how she found it figured it out on her own versus how a lot of people are just being very blunt like i know recently you know

like ian miles chong and a lot of these other people are just like oh blunt like i know recently you know like ian miles chong and a lot of these other people are just like oh it's a grift and it's like how do you know this like and uh my only other parts of the question was like you know it's basically the carrot and the stick method um should we should we try to shame these women or should we just politely point out their ways no chairman and yeah and the pearls Yeah. Pearl's bad. Pearl's destructive. If the woman is coming out and being like, maybe in her mind she goes, I'm a whore, but maybe I can

pretend to like God. Let's see if it works. If everyone goes, yay, you like God, we're going to praise you and make you famous. This is where success lies. She'll go, shit, let's roll. And then that is going to turn the grift into everybody pretend to like God. But then you'll get a bunch of people making pro god content and not porn anything makes people stop making porn

and ethically if you're shaming someone um and they change then you stop shaming them so these people that are addicted to shaming people like they gotta let it go oh my god i'm gonna make a song called someone said make a song called oh no not the commies and i'm gonna i'm gonna tell it to make it in the style of all that remains yeah i'm gonna love it play it for phil when you see him that's gonna be awesome yeah i generally think less porn creation is good i can understand where people feel skeptical about this but the thing is that's god's job to judge you right like we wouldn't know if she was really saved or not anyways. You just either have to trust her

or don't consume her content either way. I think it's sort of this, well, she has to prove it or not prove it. It's a kind of waste of effort. Let her make Christian themed content and that's good if it brings people to Christ. And if it is a grift, well, she's not making porn. And I think Ian should publish that song on his Twitter.

My balls are on my butthole. Which one, that other one? The one that you got your balls on your legs. Yeah, send it to me. It's pretty funny. Yeah, we gotta listen. Can you like share it? We have the extended one right now.

Check out the pre-chorus. Once we're done with this polite caller. Yeah, did you have more to the question? Yes, I had just one other thing to add which was basically uh because i was thinking about it as well and it was um basically like people have pointed out how twitter slash x has made a transformation since elon musk bought it and took it over and i was wondering maybe we could pull off the same thing with only fans if we just flood the site and just convince

people like hey because it's because it's not looking back on it it it was basically a response it was another version of patreon originally and then the whores just took it over to where i think it was a few years ago they even were going to ban porn from it and the whores revolted and they backed down so is do you think there is any way for us to save this website and transform it into just like an alternative to patreon hooker oh hooker not whore that's what he's clarifying hooker not or um if someone bought a whore could be like a woman who just likes having sex so it's an insult for a different reason a hooker does it for money i I think if someone bought the website, yeah.

Because Elon buying X, if Elon hadn't bought it, there would be no. What an interesting cyber mission trip to go on. I'm going to save OnlyFans. We used to talk about this at Mines. Save it for what? And turn it into what? He wants to make it like an alternative to Patreon. That's what it was.

That's what it was. Or take it back. Because Patreon doesn't allow porn, I'm pretty sure. When we were setting up Mines, I mean, this was like for 2011. 2011 i co-founded minds.com and it was like are we it's a free speech network bill the ceo's like pretty purist when it comes to free speech like if it's legal in the united states then it's it can be on minds and then john who's like a more conservative kind of business or it was like i don't want porn on the website so we would have this kind of like debate and i was kind of like i i can see both sides like the freedom of having porn but then the realistic uh aspect that it will take over

the site if you let it on the site so yeah yeah you know now now i'm looking at it's like the access the kids have to websites you got to be real careful you're not going to take it over because it's not like x x is you make content and people can share it and what shares generates like the popularity. So if someone tweets something, it's a million retweets. People are like, I want to do that. But with OnlyFans, it's private. So one's an outward network and one's an inward network.

With OnlyFans, people go to you and stay there. With Twitter, people go to you and find other things. Anything else to add to that, man? No, that was the gist of it uh now it now it makes me feel bad because i was about to plug my only fans do it you have 10 seconds do it yeah well it's uh it's onlyfans.com slash jturbo25 and uh it's inspiration to the whole get fit challenge that tim pool's approach to us and it's basically yeah it's going to be a fitness channel it's not going to be i'm not gonna i mean if you want some not safe for

work you can message me but i'm not going to sell it to people that's what i'm talking about dude right on well thanks for calling in nice man no problem no problem thank you thank you all right let's uh let's sample this uh news these two new songs so I'll skip the beginning because these are extensions, so they start the same. So here's a... All stuck fast, much to his dismay. This is the new part. He wriggles and writhes

an awkward dance trying to free himself from sticky happenstance. Crowd gathers round a spectacle so rare Who in flight stripped of his debonair Eh, you missed an opportunity to rhyme the word pants in there. Yeah, I thought so too. Yeah, I thought that was good.

In the ER Doctors gather round. There we go. Witness to a scene so profound. A snicker here, a sorry glance there. Poor Ian's plight, none can compare. He pleads for relief to the white-coated tribe. Unstick me, unbind me.

He offers a bribe. Okay. That's not so bad. Ian's misadventure. And now we'll add an outro to it and the song is done. And then we'll go to the next caller. Alrighty. Let's talk to the Mechnomancer.

How you doing? I think it would have been funnier if we said glued his balls to his hand. I'm making a song about Tim taking his beanie off in the style of Dishwalla. Get revenge, I see. Dishwalla. Yeah, I love Dishwalla. All right, what up? Mechnomancer, what's good?

All right, well, I don't have any of my song suggestions, unfortunately. That's all right. We seem to have a lot taken care of there, so. But, uh, you know, a while ago the FBI investigation found that Jan 6th wasn't an insurrection, so I'm just really wondering why aren't people talking

about it more and capitalizing on that fact? Tell me that it wasn't an insurrection? Yeah, an FBI investigation found that, hey that it wasn't an insurrection yeah an fbi investigation found that hey this was an insurrection because 99 of the people didn't have the intention to overthrow the government oh yeah it also wasn't really very armed i mean but it's because democrats lie and they live in a completely different universe so of course since january 6 everyone on the right's been saying it's not an insurrection

everyone the left is saying it is and there's nothing you can do to change their minds because they're lying speaking as probably i think the only person here i'm guessing who actually was interviewed by the january 6th committee uh i'm assuming that's true yeah i was not it's a fun badge of honor yeah it was awesome i'd love it when the um fbi shows up at your door the um with subpoenas and stuff the um they were not were not interested in hearing anything that was contrary to what they already believed was the case. You know, nothing. They didn't care. That's why they constructed the committee the way they did, with no actual Republicans and hand-chosen Republicans by Nancy Pelosi.

They didn't. They had a predetermined outcome. This is not news to anybody but as somebody who sat for an entire day and interviewed with the committee uh you can see them in real time dismissing anything that might be exculpatory yeah why were you were you there did you know no because i was communications director for the trump campaign and so they just brought everybody in okay you know and they were like you know what did you know what who wrote the speech i'm like i don't know it wasn't me i yeah it is concerning we investigated ourselves oh that's good i also think this way you know? Who wrote the speech? I'm like, I don't know. It wasn't me. Yeah, it is concerning. We investigated ourselves. I don't know. That's good. I also think this way, you know, the mainstream media keeps talking about it like it's an

insurrection, but eventually any sort of Democratic politician will be like, no, no, we admitted it was an insurrection like two decades from now. We'll be like, no, that report came out. Like, it's almost like setting up a defense for later. That's true. I hate to be so cynical about it. No, no. You're right to be cynical. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Years down the road, they can point to it and say no no no it was absolutely fair look we even concluded it came out under president biden sure yeah uh anything

else out of that uh well i just think um that uh fact would be like a good little addition for you know whenever tim mentions the 529 insurrection he he'd be like, oh, the FBI even agrees it wasn't the insurrection or whatever. But that's pretty much it. Just the only thing else I have to say is keep an eye on the Discord because I plan on selling like

Iron Man suits, working Iron Man suits eventually. Keep your eyes open. Thanks for calling in. And now for the outro A song about Tim taking his beanie off It's called Beneath the Knit Here we go

The outro But the misfortune sticks Oh the irony's rich When a prank falls apart And leaves you in a stitch Now he's praying to gods He never thought he'd beseech for a solvent

to save his most personal beach. Burrowed brows working this case is quite rare. Alright, and that was Troublesome Bonds. Bribe. But cash won't help when the laws of matters attest.

Biology and chemistry on this, they don't jest. Stitch by stitch, they work with care to free the man from his own nightmare. It's no use shouting No use to scold For every action The consequences unfold Dude, I forgot that was AI while we were listening to it.

All right, let's get the next caller. There it is. Two minutes and 11 seconds about Ian gluing his balls to his leg, and he will publish that on X. I will. I'll publish that. On Trash House Records. That's what's selling.

I've sold a million copies. We should put it on iTunes, dude. Yeah, let's do it. This one about Tim taking his beanie off is called Beneath the Knit, and then the other one's called Bear Revelation. That's so funny. I haven't listened to them yet. I'm going to listen to him yet i'm gonna listen to him i mean i could put a play on now maybe but they're not really gonna pipe through anything

all right nevasa how you doing uh can you guys hear me now yeah yeah sorry i have in my issues for a bit but uh thank you for guys having me on the show first time caller and I did not think that my first time calling here would be all about ball fondlers, but less of me neither. I did not see this coming. So this is a two part question for Mr. Murtaugh.

Oh, so from a campaign perspective, what differences are there for a new, a newbie or a new person trying to run for office for a first time in a state seat versus a congressional seat or uh for the president slash in a cabinet but on that note or to me as an in addition uh what would you say would be the most important thing to building a campaign from the ground up? Well, let's see. There's going to be a lot of differences between, say, a state legislative race versus a congressional race.

For one, the biggest I think the biggest differences will be depending on what state you're in is going to be the limits on how much money you can raise in a federal election. There are hard limits of how much money you can take from each individual person. In a lot of states like Virginia, if you're running in a state race, there's no limit whatsoever on how much you can accept from an individual person. A guy could write you a check

for $10 million if you want to. That's like at the very beginning, at the very core of it, that's the biggest difference right away that I can think of. The issues are going to be different. Things that you run on. A lot of local candidates, it's very popular to run against Washington, if you know what I mean by that, where, you know, like if you're running for the state house, you might

want to take shots at Joe Biden, for example, if you're a Republican, even though it's not something that you can affect if you're running for the state legislature. In many ways, running campaigns is, in fact, very similar, whether or not you're running for sheriff or the state house or for Congress or for the Senate or for governor, all that stuff. Some of the, you know, the blocking and tackling and the assembling the volunteers and putting your staff together and deciding what your strategy is going to be. A lot of it is all really very the same, very much the same. You know, as a first-time candidate, running for something that's federal will get you a lot more attention, so it's a lot more difficult.

I think the media attention is going to be a lot more difficult if you're a first-timer running for Congress. I think there's a lot more opportunity for first-time candidates to embarrass themselves and make obvious and glaring mistakes if they're running for federal office first uh there's a lot less scrutiny uh on state races i think but you know even even a lot of state races are costing millions and millions of dollars a state senate race could cost 10 million dollars which is insane um so i mean it's a difficult question to answer succinctly because there are a lot of ways that there would be different state versus federal but then at the core of it there's a lot of stuff about campaigns that are always the same no matter

what you're running for i know that probably answers exactly none of your questions no believer believer or not actually succinctly answers about 70 to 80 percent of it that's pretty good uh that gets you in the hall of fame if you're a baseball player easily. Anything over the Mendoza line, let's call that. But is there like a checklist or a document of sorts that almost acts like a guideline for how a campaign should be set up? I think people have varying opinions as to what that checklist contains. But sure, there's there's a punch list of things that you have to nail down. You have to you have to run around and figure out where your constituencies are, where you're going to get the endorsements from and support law and order taken care of. You're going to like immigration, for example, is an issue that you don't have to be living in Texas as a border state to care about immigration. If you're running for a state house in Connecticut, people in Connecticut still care about immigration because everybody is a border state now, thanks to Joe Biden.

So there's a checklist and and sure but the checklist varies and that's why you have to hire excellent campaign consultants that's why and what would that look like hiring campaign i was just i was more or less a joke because that's what i am oh yeah um uh you know somebody who has experience you need somebody who to help you run the campaign the the worst thing this actually this is probably the best piece of advice I could give. The worst thing as a candidate you could possibly do is rely on yourself to be your own campaign manager, your own political strategist, your own communication strategist, your own fundraiser, your own grassroots organizer. Being a candidate is a full-time job. You've got to hire people to do the other jobs.

And don't try to do it all yourself there's very there's a great i heard obama has now he was very successful so maybe he's a bad example but obama had a famous quote where he said uh i i like to think that i'm smarter i'm the smartest guy in the campaign i'm the best political director i'm the best campaign manager and all that stuff now people who work for a campaign for a candidate like that hate it when the candidate thinks he or she knows everyone's job on the campaign because they are very specialized and it takes experience to be good at it um so if you are running for office let your campaign be the campaign you be the candidate

if you is it the kind of thing where like as a ceo you kind of want to know how to do everybody's job just so you can work with everybody is it the kind of thing in politics where like if you if you do just say okay i don't even want to know what you're doing just you do it you're the specialist that they would take advantage of you as a candidate i think it would be it's probably in your best interest to uh know be familiar with everyone's job not necessarily to be able to do it because that's why you hire professionals to be able to do it but you should be able to know who does what you know as the ceo like if there if you detect a problem in your campaign and you detect you detect that you're weak in some area or deficient in some way you ought to be able to tell your

campaign manager go get me charlie right because you know that charlie does whatever it is that you think is problematic right you need to know that much about it that if there's a problem you know where to look i think that much but you should let them and you want to have people who are specialized that you can turn to to say yeah and the smaller the campaign the smaller your staff is going to be so you're going to have people who double up your political guy is going to be your grassroots guy is going to be the one who has to go out and get signatures to get you on the ballot and all that stuff right um the smaller the campaign the smaller the staff like on the trump campaign in 2020, we had 3,000 people nationwide. It was

a big old campaign. And speaking of which, my new book that's out, Swing Hard in Case You Hit It, by me, Tim Murtaugh, lots of stories about political campaigns in there. Right on. Anything else to add to that? Well, Mr. Murtaugh, thank you very much for taking up the questions and espousing on the wisdom and experience. I am going to be hitting the ball hard, or I'll be swinging hard. Thanks for telling me about the Mendoza line. I'd never heard of that before.

It's a batting average of 200, by the way. It's named after Mario Mendoza, who might be the only person to ever be able to say this. He was my childhood hero for a little while. My grandfather, if I might take a minute, my grandfather was, his name was Danny Murtaugh. He was the manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates for 15 years and won the World Series twice, 1960 and 1971 as manager. And in the 70s, he had a shortstop by the name of Mario Mendoza,

who was very nice to me when I was a little kid. And I idolized Mario Mendoza. And it just breaks my heart to know that his name is now used as the synonym for being a terrible hitter. Did he bat 200? Serge, we have one more caller? Yeah, we have one more caller.

Real quick, I'm going to play a song about why communists are bad in the style of All That Remains. Yes. Cast aside, resource apply. They amplify the great divide. They spread my open store. yes keep going keep going no Phil would have went

into a vocal he would have went into a melody right there I don't even know what he's saying yeah we need the lyrics Phil would have went into like a high high high high high high even know what he's saying. Yeah, we need the lyrics.

He would have went into like a... This is badass. Dude, Jason. free or stand against this crimson tide day ideals that choke liberty ideals that choke liberty he would have went in a melody in that second part of that one I think it's got to be in the

style of something like what if I was nothing I don't know though that's a song from all that oh in the style of their song yes I said dishwall I should have said counting blue all that. Oh, in the style of their song. Yes. I said dish wall. I should have said counting blue cars. All right. Elizabeth. Wait,

it wasn't the name of the song. The song is called counting blue cars. The band. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I was like,

wait, wait, you're with us. How you doing? Hey, you guys hope you're all doing well. Thank you for taking my call. Yeah,

of course. Absolutely. Hey, so question from Mr. Mark Murtaugh. and by the way congratulations on your sobriety sir may god continue to bless you going forward thank you um you're welcome my question is some people who are currently an addict may have a preconceived notion that if you normally do work on a substance that maybe gives you an extra confidence or an extra edge like a

performer who has to go on stage would feel. They may feel that they'd be more entertaining by staying inebriated. What was your experience in adjusting to being able to put your best foot forward and choosing to be sober? And how would you respond to those who are afraid of losing that something to be inspired to go to the right route? That's a really, really, really good question. And I think that the question shows some insight and maybe some experience, or at least, you know, somebody who's done that. Yeah. So when I was drinking, I absolutely believed that I was much funnier, much more charming, better on television. I was just better when I was half in the bag. That was my belief. That's what I thought. It's kind of like the same thing I've heard people say throughout my whole life. I'm a better driver when I'm half buzzed or,

you know, whatever, which of course is always crap. It's all, it's always not true. In my case, I may have thought that, and I was a TV reporter and I cover a lot of this in my book and I worked for channel 29 in Charlottesville and I had to do a live shot from the state capital in Richmond every evening as I was covering, I covered politics and I would get the story put together, go over to the place called the Penny Lane Pub, which is about two blocks from the Capitol in Richmond. I would sit there for about 90 minutes and pound beers and shots and then go back and sit in the chair and do my live shot during the six o'clock news half loaded. And I did that every single night for six years. And I was not better at it than, uh, than I would have been if I were sober. I know that now, uh, the only way that you can prove it to yourself is to go

ahead and do it, you know, and it is frightening. You gotta believe you're going to believe, oh my gosh, I'm not as good at this. I won't be able to do it if I'm not drinking or using or whatever it is. But that is the same old excuse that you always gave yourself because it's the crutch. I can't get out of bed unless I get a drink. I can't make it to work unless I take a shot. These are all the things that I used to think about. And you just have to do it. You just have to break through the threshold and do it. There's no substitute for actually living through it. And it's horrifying and terrifying. But then when you do it, you realize, you know what, that wasn't so bad. Now I just got to do it again tomorrow. You know, I mean, there is it's just it's like anything else, really. It's I hate to say it this way, but it's like practice. Do it one day. You accomplish that. Do it again. Now you've got two days. Do it a third time. You've got three days. All of a sudden, you've got two days do it a third time you've got three days all of a sudden you've got a month and that's that's just how it works fact is you

just have to believe that you're not a better person when you're hammered you're not did you when you stopped drinking did you go through a period where you actually were worse for like just the first like weeks or something of recovery uh you know there's a lot of discomfort i mean alcohol um withdrawal is actually can actually be deadly you can die from alcohol with this is what they pounded into your into our heads in rehab the five times i went um you can die from alcohol withdrawal cocaine withdrawal for example you generally don't die it's unpleasant but you're not going to die alcohol you could you could actually die so it i mean what i thought for a while was really bad hangovers was actually withdrawal like i would have a hangover and i thought this is weird this hangover is lasting

four days and then there's a there's an episode of it's always sunny in philadelphia where they quarantine because they think they're sick and then they're slowly dying and they're drenched in sweat and they're like if this is it let it, let's just, let's just go out. And they pull out booze and they start drinking. And then within like 40 minutes, they're all really, really, they're all fine. And they're like, we're totally fine. What? And they're like, we weren't dying of, of, of a disease.

We were having alcohol withdrawal. Yeah. That's exactly it. I mean, I went years. I know. I mean, I had to maintain a certain BAC perpetually. I would wake up in the morning and the first order of business was, you know, my thing was Jägermeister. It's like you semi-permanently changed the chemistry of your body.

Oh, yeah. It's not like that. That is it. Did you stop all at once or were you a taper off? I mean, no, you have to stop all at once. What happened to me is I woke up in jail. I was on probation for my second of two DUIs. I had served 10 days in jail and had 80 days suspended. And if I got in trouble again during the course of my three years of probation, I was going to have to serve those 80 days. And I went out and got drunk. May 16th, 2015, I got charged with drunken public or public intoxication, something like that. And if I had gotten convicted of that charge, I would have had to serve the 80 days, three months effectively. And my life would have been over. I would have lost my job. I would have

lost my new wife. I would have lost my, you know, certain members of my family were about tied up, fed up with me. And so what I got, I got a great lawyer. He gave me great advice. And I went and did a bunch of volunteer hours. I went and got the interlock thing put on my car. So I couldn't drive the car. If I'd been drinking, I went to outpatient rehab of volunteer hours. I went and got the interlock thing put on my car so I couldn't drive the car if I'd been drinking. I went to outpatient rehab again, which would be the sixth time I went to rehab. I did all this stuff. Went to court and the prosecutor agreed not to prosecute. So I did not violate probation.

That scared it out. That's how I stopped. By being scared of having my entire life ruined. That's what it took for me. I went to rehab five times. Didn't work. It was facing three months in jail and losing everything that did it and everybody's different everybody's different people some people you know respond to different kinds of motivation i needed the threat of

complete total destruction yeah well we got a couple new songs for ian oh on a later note i need like a sorry fucking party go over all of this swing hard in case you hit it available now let's do it anything else to add good caller thank you for that question

no I just wanna yeah thank you so much Mr. Burtzoff for answering that question that was beautifully responded and again God bless you going forward I do have a song name idea

that I thought of here the bass crew runs on Casper in 1980s heavy metal all right thank you guys continue to inspire thank you everybody love you all thanks for calling in too thank you cheers all right and uh this is a song about ian gluing his balls to his hand in the style of sound garden oh fuck yeah blue drips sticky grip fumbled fix Sounds more like Dave Mustaine.

Yeah. Ah, should we key change? You need a key changer. Yes, now this is like I just lost. Ah, should we key change? You need to key change there. Wild nights. Meh. Yes. Now this is like Kim Thiel on the guitar. Oh, what a view.

Sticky mess. It sounds like you. Like homemade glue. I could sing this. It sounds like you. We should cover it. Regret that sand. Got my balls.

It's blue to my hand. Ooh, ooh, we should record this. But we gotta change the key. Is this what television reporting is like? Uh, no. So I'll send you... I get my glue! Yeah, I can do that. Consequence and care. We're gonna publish this.

Oh, I... How do I download it? I have not figured that part out yet. Is that how it gets you? Consequence and Care is the big band one of Ian gluing his balls to his leg. All right, I'm going to... All right, we're going to wrap this up. Tim, thanks for hanging out.

Oh, man, this has been a lot of fun. Yeah. Really, a whole lot of fun. Thanks for coming. I would love to do it again. I hope I haven't worn out my welcome. I play him beneath the net. This is a song about Tim taking his beanie off.

But. the man beneath the knit feels free all right thanks for hanging out everybody we're gonna we're gonna make a bunch of new songs and we'll be back tomorrow and we'll see y'all then you