Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 122 - Cleopatra: Queen. Seductress. Product Of SO MUCH INCEST!

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

Whopper of a tale for you today. Battles, incest, murder, betrayal, and more! Born in 69 BCE, Cleopatra VII was part of the Macedonian dynasty that took over rule of Egypt in the late 4th century B.C. A dynasty full of a PREPOSTEROUS amount of incest and murder. SO much. During her reign, she forged political alliances and became romantically involved with Roman military leaders Julius Caesar and Mark Antony - bearing sons for month men. She could've ended up ruling Rome. Instead Rome pushed her to her death in 30 BCE. Check out the best of my standup on Spotify! (for free!) https://open.spotify.com/user/1253351401/playlist/2ldySEdIW3YfhHLQpkX2AS?si=snvNrIagRbWI5frN6_3Sdg Timesuck is brought to you by Leesa! Get $160 off a Leesa mattress at leesa.com/timesuck and use promo code TIMESUCK at checkout Timesuck is brought to you by the The Great Courses Plus! Start your free trial now only at TheGreatCoursesPlus.com/TIMESUCK Want to try out Discord!?! Click HERE! Watch the Suck on Youtube: https://youtu.be/vwyEHpUlaYo Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG, @timesuckpodcast on Twitter, and www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna be a Space Lizard? We're over 3500 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits!

Finding herself in dire circumstances after the death of powerful Roman Emperor Mark Antony, Cleopatra queen of Egypt committed suicide at the age of 39 and with her died the Egyptian civilization that had been around for roughly 3000 years. Egypt would now be a Roman province and Cleopatra would transition from a living legend to a dead one. Cleopatra actually Cleopatra the seventh, her full name being Cleopatra the seventh, her full name being Cleopatra the seventh Thea Phillipator, or Cleopatra the father loving goddess was the last and a long line of Greek, total make rulers given the kingdom of Egypt by none other than Alexander the Great and she packed a whole hell of a lot of life in the less than four decades on the earth.

She bore famed Roman leader Julius Caesar a son who had certain key events gone differently during her lifetime could have ended up ruling both Rome and Egypt. She had two additional sons and a daughter with Mark Antony and then she fought together with Antony to rule both Egypt and Rome. Cleopatra once personally led several dozen Egyptian warships into naval battle, renowned for her beauty, her political guile and toughness were actually her most formidable assets. She would live to become the first non-Roman citizen to be featured on a Roman coin. She would rule Egypt for 22 years, lose her kingdom, regain it, nearly lose it again,

a mass and empire, and then lose it all. The month of August is based on when Cleopatra died. That's when you know you've reached some sort of immortality when the placement of one of our 12 months is based on your death. The first Roman Emperor Augustus, who gave us the name of that month, founded his reign on her defeat. When he had the chance to have a month named in his honor instead of choosing September of the month of his birth, he chose the eighth month when Cleopatra died, so it could be a yearly reminder of her defeat.

Shakespeare would reintroduce Cleopatra to the world of more than just historians when he wrote Anthony and Cleopatra a five-act tragedy in 1606, 1607. And we've been wondering about Cleopatra's life ever since. And we dig in deep today on the fascinating and frankly super weird tale of this strange, epic and legendary life, life of Cleopatra, a woman who came for perhaps the most dysfunctional, like the most dysfunctional family in the history of the world today on TimeSuck. Happy Monday TimeSuckers, suckers.

Reverend Dr. Joe, mother fucking paysly. Quain in the sock, Lindsey, felt like it opened, you know, maybe, maybe too aggressively this, this past week. So easing, easing the volume pedal to, to start the show today, trying to, trying to keep it in. Maybe had a bit too much MCT powder last week. I may be addicted. I've had quite a bit this morning.

I'm trying to try to hold in the fire. Thanks to everyone who got the A whole air banjo Academy T's last week. They sold out shortly after the DB Cooper episode dropped. Spaces are gobbled them up. A lot of a lot of air banjo being played around the world right now. It might be at record levels right now. It's the rare instrument that is generally far more fun to play than to hear, but it's so fun to play. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,

I can adrenaline right into my soul. Dan commas the master sucker, Chiquitilo's rastling partner, chicken Joe's top chicken, the guy who puts the in woody's whee, and here listen to the time suck. Hello colds, the guy who puts the, and woody's, whee, and you're listening to TimeSuck. Hello, cold to curious, Hill Nimrod, Lucifina, Bojangles, knowledge, mischief, and strength. Thanks to those who came to the TED Talk and to those who also swung by the suck dungeon, I'm recording this in advance. So I'm hoping, throwing some positive energy into the TED Talk having gone well. Currently very nervous about giving a presentation.

It's a lot more about passion and thought provocation than it is about laughter and absurdity. My safe places and with less than 24 hours to go, right around 24 hours to go as I'm recording this, don't have a memorized yet. Flops wet. Happy birthdays. It's my sweet little meat sack, baby's Kyler Monroe. Turned 11 and 13 this past week. My God, man, the girl's fast.

So proud of these wonderful little people they're becoming. I'm grateful to be able to witness the development of their big, beautiful lives, dad loves the shit out of you two both. And thanks again to these space lizard patrons for allowing us to donate $1400 this month to the Pew Research Center. Thanks for, thanks for growing the show. And also,

I have some important questions for you. And yeah, and you can, I think we'll have the link for that, the PewFendatejournalism.org in the episode description. But now, important questions, do you have a baby? Do you know of a baby or upcoming baby that may or does suck? Another, another small run of a new product this week that people have been asking about for over a year is in the store. A time suck onesie. Why not? We got a onesie now for baby suckers, not even joking. The limited run of the A whole air banjo academy shirts, they sold out last Tuesday, but now we have a few onesies in the store. The first time, so give me that sweet suck, 100% cotton, 200% baby butt onesie. Even babies know that some of the softest material on earth is a baby's butt.

And that's why we're making this onesie out of nothing but cotton and also nothing but domestic baby butt. Don't think about it too hard or it gets very sad. It gets so very sad. Just focus on your baby wearing somebody else's baby, soft ass baby butt. Don't focus on that either, that's sadder. If you focus on the material,

you start thinking about a lot of things that have happened to babies. Hey, just focus on your sweet little one, wearing some sweet suck. While you listen to some sweet suck, that's positive, that feels right. Six months, 12 months, 18 months, size is available while supplies last.

Also, if you're not familiar with my standup, I currently have a special on Amazon Prime called Don't Week the Bear, and I've created a Spotify Best of Playlist. I don't know why it took me so long to do this, it took like five minutes to do. I created a Spotify Best of Playlist so you can sample for free some of my favorite tracks,

15 and all in this playlist from the six albums I have on Spotify. It's just called the Best of the End, come and stand up and there's a link to that in today's episode description. And if you've heard all that and you want to hear some more, come to the happy murder tour, right? Here's some hateful aggression that somehow makes you feel good about life. Check Dan Cummins.tv to see so many 2019 tour dates all over the place.

This week I hit the comedy connection in Providence, Rhode Island, one night only Wednesday, January 10th, rest the week. I'm at the stress factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut, Thursday, January 17 through Saturday, January 19. Then on Sunday, upstate New York, funny vote and Albany, one night only, January 20th, the next week, New Jersey, New Brunswick, New Jersey stress factory, Thursday, January 24 through Saturday, January 26th. Then I'm back home.

Then I bounced out to Madison, Wisconsin, standup shows, and the first live time sucks of 2019. Talking about the Ant Hill kids, the Ant Hill cult at the live suck this year, holy shit. Do you want your legs broken with a sledgehammer? Or do you want to go to hell? That's the kind of insane choices that Barbaric, Canadian, cultat Leader, Rock, Terrio would tell followers, would give followers in the late 70s. He personally brutalized his followers in a way a few Colt leaders I've ever read about

have done. He was the ultimate fucked up Colt leader physically and sexually abused his own children well until welfare authorities took his kids away. And then he just found some other people at torment, found these handheld kids, found some followers. when they're Papi would become angry he would take on the role of twisted surgeon the offending party would be held down fully conscious while other followers and terrier would go to work on them with whatever horrible instruments were available kitchen utensils pliers a blowtorch whatever inflicted the most pain and fear followers Followers lost limbs, teeth, fingers, and toes to this maniac.

And I'm going to enjoy insulting and mocking that deranged piece of shit and trying to wrap my head around how we got so many people to follow him that shows across America this year. So there's that. And that's it. Now we can get into the real stuff. And now we can get into today's lest-arranged, maybe, maybe lest-arranged. Definitely no less interesting suck on Cleopatra.

I enjoyed sucking on her. I really did. I sucked her hard this week. I just, I got down on my knees and I sucked some Cleopatra and I'm done now. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ For 10 generations, Cleopatra's family ruled Egypt as the last of its pharaohs,

but her family wasn't actually Egyptian. The total of these were in fact a Macedonian Greek. So Cleopatra, although she ruled Egypt was approximately as Egyptian as Elizabeth Taylor, the American actress who famously played Cleopatra in 1963, a 1960 film famous for being so expensive, that it lost money despite being the highest-grossing film at the box office that year.

That movie's also over four hours long. I made it through two and then I tapped out. We'll be a little quicker. We'll pack in a lot more. What the fuck with an exploration of Cleopatra's weird life today? Also, I think it's important to note that most of what we know about Cleopatra

is what has been written by the famous Roman historian, does he say Roman historian, Plutarcharch who was born 76 years after she died. So very little of this is first hand information. It's just kind of the way it works with a lot of stories back then. So let's hope that son of a bitch got story right. Excuse me. If he didn't, uh, he at least woe a whopper of a tale. Uh, before we dive into Cleopatra's life, let's talk about the times she lived in,

talking about the first century BCE, uh, when she was born, the Roman Republic was nearing the end of its 500 year run following the overthrow of the Roman kingdom when it was a monarchy. The Republic became one of the most successful expressions of democracy in ancient times, as Rome rose from a powerful city to a world power under the leadership of the Senate. The tale of Cleopatra is interwoven with the fall of the Republic, two of her lovers. The only two fathers of her children would play major roles in the end of the Republic, especially Julius Caesar. In the Middle East, shortly after the fall of the Egyptian Empire, Jesus Christ will be born, most scholars placed in his birth between six BCE and one CE, a new major world religion, a religion that centuries

later would become a powerful guiding force in the Roman Empire would obviously soon follow. In the east, the Han Dynasty reigns supreme. The Han Dynasty would actually rule over a larger area of land, you know, around modern day China than Rome at its height. In Mesoamerica, the Mayans ran a kingdom of city states. There were a ton of other smaller kingdoms in Africa, the Americas, Asia and Europe, and of course other indigenous people living around the globe. In the West and the Middle East, Europe and North Africa, no empires were bigger than

the Roman Egypt. And during the last years of her life, and then following her death, Rome would have massed an empire unlike anything the Western world had seen since the days of Alexander the Great, and the days of Alexander the Great is actually where Cleopatra's story really begins. So let's jump back to the fourth century BCE and today's epic time suck timeline. But first, first a word from one of today's sponsors time suck has brought you by long time supporter of the suck to company. Now, I'm a huge fan of Lisa mattresses. Resolved to rest this new year, kick 2019 off with some sweet, sweet sleep.

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Link in the episode description or just push that little Lisa sponsor button on our handy little time suck app. Now it is time for the time suck timeline. Shrap on those boots, soldier. We're marching down a time-subtimely. Three-twenty-three BCE. And three-twenty-three BCE, Alexander the Great.

I've heard of him. Alexander the Third of a Macedon-Dieden Babylon at the age of 32, possibly poison by whom we will never know One of his companions a general and historian was tolamy tolamy the first tolamy Sotra He'd been a close companion of Alexander since childhood and possibly was even his half brother Tolamy's father may have been Alexander's father Philip II Tolamy served with Alexander since the very beginning of his famed military the second. Tolemie served with Alexander since the very beginning of this famed military conquest

campaigns was among seven military leaders who were also Alexander's personal bodyguards. He played principal roles in command of troops in battles in Afghanistan, India, Persia, and more. And when Alexander died, he and other top generals, talking about Tolemie, Tolemie and other top generals fought for portions of Alexander's empire. Tolemie in an initial agreement with other leaders was made a safe trap, a governor of Egypt, Alexander conquered Egypt in 332 BCE, and he established a city there that still bears his name, Alexandria.

He conquered it, but he didn't necessarily make it Greek, which is why the Egyptian kingdom would live on under Ptolemy. Egypt would continue to be dominated by Egyptian culture. Toulimi took Egypt from a line of Persian pharaohs. Before him, he respected Egyptian religion and culture, traveled to the Oracle of Omen, which declared to be the son of Omen. At the time, Omen was the chief deity of Egypt.

He left a fellow Greek cleomennies to run this new province, while he left to conquer more lands the following year. A cleomennies, there we go. You know, I did the most, the most phonetic checks I've ever done for an episode. So, ah, probably not for the egypt lovers. I mean, I'd be bad in 100%, but close. I feel pretty confident about a lot of these things.

321 BC, fellow Greek general of Alexander's, Verdictus. I like that name. Verdictus fought for, that's a predicus. How like that name? Predictus fought for that's a powerful name Who's your dad? Perdicus mother fucker. All right. All right. I get it. Okay 321 of fellow Greek general of Alexander's predicus fought for control of Alexander's empire took soldiers into Egypt to take the province from Tolemie when the invasion floundered and told him he fought him off This guy soldiers turned on him and killed him. Oh man, Pradekis. He died a hard death. I just said I didn't even mean that pun, but I'm in standby.

After defending his province from Pradekis, a man whose name again, it's not translate, you know, has an interesting translation into today's English. Tollamy fought the rulers of other successor states led by his former fellow generals under Alexander in what's known as the wars of the Diochi or the wars of the successors. First, he battled scrotumacus and Cyprus, a feared leader known to be especially sensitive towards being touched, who seemed to droop down a bit on the left side. A man terribly suited to fighting in cold weather soon after after defeating scrotumacus. He waged war on clitoricus in Armenia. Now, clitoricus was a small general who could be really tricky to find. The key to defeating him was to bring him out into the open sea.

Get him wet and constantly consistently attacking clitoricus. Clitoricus lost focus when he was wet and overstimulated. Finally, told me battle two generals in one day when he fought both a bigacastidicus and longacastinicusicus on present day Libya was crazy because they kept doing this weird maneuver where a bigacastidicus would squeeze two flanks together just kind of push two flanks together real tight and then longacastinicus would thrust back and forth between betweenacast themicus and I'm done I'm done a kiss sorry kiss about it about that a kiss back to real history of this that was ways that was way a kiss to us to a kiss funnicus is for me a kiss

and 305 bc back to reality told me took the title of king in the land he already covered he became a pharaoh he became known as told me uh... like I said for the soda told me Tolemie would have found the famed library of Alexandria. One of the largest and most famous libraries in the ancient world, this library at its height is estimated to have contained 400,000 papyrus scrolls. Nah, that word still messes with me. I see paper, Paprikus, whatever it is. But yeah, 400,000 papyrus scrolls. Tolemie, the first was the first of the Tolemic rulers of ancient Egypt. Cleopatra would be the last.

The last actually rule. Her son would technically be the last. The last Egyptian pharaohs, their family would rule Egypt often off and on, like, including or sorry, would rule Egypt and off and on the lands around Egypt. But yeah, for nearly 300 years. And the rule would remain in the family in a super creepy way. All the male rulers of the dynasty would take the name tohlami, while princesses and queens

preferred the names Cleopatra, are sinaway and baronisee, which the last one means bringer of victory, pretty dope name, but onto the creepy stuff. Here's the creepy keeping it in the family stuff. It's not about names. The tohlami kings adopted the Egyptian custom of marrying their sisters.

So many of the kings ruled jointly with their spouses who were also the royal house. This custom made Tolemake politics confusing and literally insesctuous. And also the later Tolemies, like towards Cleopatra, they became increasingly feeble. Of course they did. They have a very, very, very narrow skinny tree. It has so few branches. The only telemetric queens to officially rule in their own were baronisee. Baronisee, the third and baronisee the fourth, Cleopatra five did co-rule, but it was another with another female. Baronisee the fourth, Cleopatra the seventh, or Cleopatra officially co-ruled with Tolomei, the 13th, Tolomei the 14th and Tolomei the 15th, but effectively Cleopatra VII did rule Egypt alone.

The early Tolomeis did not disturb the religion or other customs of the Egyptians. They built magnificent new temples for the Egyptian gods and soon adopted the hour display of the Pharaohs of Old. Nevertheless, the Greek remained to privilege minority in Tomek Egypt. They lived under Greek law, received Greek education. We're tried in Greek courts. We're citizens of Greek cities. Very interesting hybrid culture. We're not for about that. Let's talk more about insist. According to one historian and Pulitzer prize, winning biographer Stacy Schiff, author of 2010's Cleopatra, a life. Oh, sorry, 2010's Cleopatra, a life, tolemies, oh, sorry, sorry, 2010's Cleopatra, a life.

She says, tolemies, the last dynasty of Greek Egypt made Caligula look like a pouty teen. The first three monarchs in the dynasty were capable, vigorous sorts, but from the forest to the 14th monarch, things got very nasty. Indeed, the tolemies didn't really live family life as we understand it. Rather, they lived kind of a domestic safari in which you tried to kill as many of your close relatives as you were able, preferably in a as painful and public away as possible.

It's very game of thrones. Cleopatra VII's full name was Cleopatra VII filipator, which means father lover, many of the tolamis would be known as father lover or mother lover, which is darkly hilarious to me, because they killed their parents all the fucking time. And other relatives, a lot of incest, a lot of murder. This is one of the most dysfunctional,

if not the most dysfunctional family of all time. You will feel so much better about your family tree and your family in general after hearing all of this. HBO needs to do a series on this kingdom. So much murder, so much incest. All surrounded by decadent wealth and set in the splendor of ancient Egypt's most incredible city. And the whole everyone having the same names thing. So confusing. Makes it hard to explain who is killing whom. Like Tolemie killed Cleopatra, his wife, sister,

niece would be a true sentence in certain Tolemake palace plots. So much incest to murder. Not given dates for the following relationships and killings because there's just too many it slows down the action. So here we go. This was just like a lot of like research and it's just what? Told me the fourth great grandson of told me the first murder his mother who had killed her husband who was having a love affair with her mother married sister are sin away. The third who was murdered immediately after told me the fourth death and were just getting started. Told me the fifth had his mother's murderers ripped apart by a mob.

Had an angry mob rip apart a family member. Told me the sixth fought his own brother for the throne. Then married his sister, Cleopatra II. Told me the seventh was murdered by his uncle at a wedding feast or he may have been murdered by his own father, told me the sixth, told me the seventh was the great enemy of told me the sixth and probable murderer of told me the seventh. He also married Cleopatra II then began in a fair with Cleopatra's daughter Cleopatra the third fuck so many the names, so much murder.

This is a family that makes the landisters on Game of Thrones. It looks like the Cleavers from Leave It to Beaver. Or the Anderson's from another show, probably only 5% of you have ever watched or heard of. Father, that was best. Told me the seventh had his son dismembered and the piece has sent to his mother,

to the mother, excuse me, Cleopatra the second, his sister wife, his daughter, Trifina had her own me, Cleopatra the second, his sister wife, his daughter, Trifina had her own sister, Cleopatra the fourth murdered, for which she was in turn killed by that Cleopatra's husband, told me the ninth, apparently tried to kill his mother, Cleopatra the third, married, first one, and then another sister, both called Cleopatra married to two different women, both named Cleopatra, both his sisters. Shit is ridiculous.

Tolemie the ninth fought his brother, tolemie the tenth of the throne, their mother Cleopatra the third, changing sides frequently, tolemie the tenth, killed his mother, Cleopatra the third. When she was not a side, he married the daughter of Tolemie the fourth, Baronice the third, his niece. Tolemie the eleventh also married Baronice the third, his niece, Tolemie, the 11th also married Baron I see the third who was either his sister or mother, even historians get confused, but had her killed up for 19 days so much for the bringer of victory name. Tolemie the third, the

11th, excuse me, was then lynched and killed by an angry mob. Tolemie the 12th driven from Egypt by his daughter, Baron I see the, Baronice the fourth rules briefly before she probably has had her sister killed. She certainly had her husband strangled who strangely was not a family member. She was then beheaded by someone who was a family member. Her father told me the 12th, she at least brought some victory before she lost her head.

Of the 15 or so family marriages in this dynasty, at least 10 were full brother sister unions. Two other told him he's married nieces or cousins. The practice resulted in no physical deformities that have been mentioned by historians, but did deliver a seriously skinny ass family tree. If Cleopatra's parents were full siblings, as they likely were, that means she had one set of grandparents.

Weird. We're so weird. It's funny that someone who came from that much incest, like a preposterous amount of incest, ended up becoming known as having legendary beauty, which may just be legend, by the way. Many historians seem to think the real powers as far as Cleopatra's seductive and charismatic powers

came a lot more from her intelligence than her physical beauty But also weird to think that somebody that intelligent would come from enough inbreeding to spook a pining Right, wait, look at here now. I got some pig. I just big I ever did lick out of Cleopatra's beard Well, look at here now. I killed my brother made a butt baby with a sister animon But got mold Bob baboon cop. Yeah, hoffo don't mix with no dog folk Lot of callbacks there new Jersey devil suck callback Pinkerton callback Hatfield McCoy callback. Yeah, yeah Sorry, no listener

Okay, so that so I just wanted to get that out there if I missed If I missed a number got the number wrong behind it. I think you'll understand it is just If I missed a number, got the number wrong behind it, I think you'll understand. It is just, it's so weird to have so much murder, so much into all the same fucking names. Okay, so Cleopatra the seventh, our Cleopatra today was born in or around 69 BCE, probably 69 BCE. Cleopatra's father was told to me the twelfth, the one driven from Egypt by her older sister, his daughter, Baron Isie. Her father is generally described as a weak self-indulgent man, a drunkard, and a music lover.

So fun, Dan. Yeah. Historians are entirely sure who a mother was, most likely either Cleopatra VI or Cleopatra V. Again, so confusing with all the names. Can you imagine being born into that level of dysfunction over a century of your family constantly murdering each other? You're very, very, very close family.

Just so much brother dick and sister plus in your family tree. Cleopatra known for being an extreme intelligence. So from an early age, she had to have known that the greatest odds of a violent death came from within her family. Cleopatra had two sisters, Baranise, the fourth and are sent away the, the fourth as well. And two brothers told me the thirteenth and told me the 14th. Ugh. Cleopatra's father began his reign in 80 BCE, despite told him his own father and previous Pharaoh leaving the Egyptian throne to Roman as well. Luckily for the family,

the Roman Senate had no interest in fighting to acquire Egypt and make it a Roman territory at that time. In 58 BCE, the Roman Republic did take control of Cyprus, causing its ruler, told me the 12th brother to commit suicide, told me the 12th then failed to do anything about the Roman conquest of Cyprus. thereby inciting the Egyptian population to start a rebellion against him as Cyprus was an important ally of the Egyptians. Cyprus had long supplied the Egyptian kingdom with important timber and copper. Egyptians were already aggravated by heavy taxes recently enacted to pay the Romans a tribute so they wouldn't invade Egypt, which created a substantial increase in the

cost of living. His daughter, Baron Icy IV, saw this unrest as a chance to rule herself. Being a total of a me, she's like like when do I get to kill my fucking dad She conspired to turn the public against her father to become a successor Which she did and then he fled to Rome with his daughter Cleopatra the seventh are Cleopatra and possibly other siblings Barron Icy ruled as co-regient with her mother or sister Actually, I'm gonna say mother mother because this other Cleopatra is not mentioned in the sibling. So let's say she ruled with her mother.

A year after told me the 12th exile, Baron Ice ruled alone over Alexandria from 57 to 56 B.C. in Roman, old ally, heralded Roman military commander, Pompeii, housed the exile king and his daughter, ourakliya Patra, and argued on behalf of Toldomey's restoration and the Senate restoration to the head of Egypt. Roman creditors would not get the return on previous loans that they had made the Egyptian king without his restoration to power.

So it can make some money again. Most things, and history, just in life in general, motivated by money in one way or another, 57 BCE, there was enormous pressure on the Senate from the Roman public to restore tolemie. However, Rome did not wish to invade Egypt to restore the kings in some ancient prophecies. I should say they were hesitant to invade Egypt because there was these ancient prophecies known as the Sibling books. And in these, it stated that if an Egyptian king asked for help and Rome proceeded with military

intervention, great dangers and difficulties would occur. On 55 BCE, Tolemie and his daughter Cleopatra and whatever other family members happened to be with him, sailed back to Egypt from Rome. Tolemie paid a Roman general and ally of Pompeii, aulas Gabonis, 10,000 talents to take back Egypt for him, which he did. And then Tolemie had his daughter and his daughter's court executed. Man, can you imagine sensing your own daughter to death? I'm not sure what Monroe could do to have me warrant executing her like like even if she for sure like for sure tried to have me killed

I don't think I could kill her. Just Monroe tried to have me killed. I don't think I can kill her. Just Monroe found out about the assassination plots and I gotta say, I am super disappointed in you young lady. Really makes my heart heavy that you paid some people to kill me. Really upset to me. You're, you are in big trouble. I'm gonna take away your iPad. I know, I know you just got it, but stop crying because you tried to kill me and listen, okay, calm down. Listen, I'm you just got it, but stop crying, because you try to kill me. And listen, okay, calm down, listen, I'm not taking away forever. But if you're not, if you do this again, if you do this again, I won't just take it away for a month,

I'll take away forever. If you try to kill me again, oh boy! You're not getting your iPad back. I won't fuck around, if you try to kill me twice. One Egyptian talent, by the way, was 27 kilograms or 60 pounds worth of silver. The word talent now used to describe skill actually

gets traced back to this early monetary measurement. So it told me he paid a Roman general with 600,000 pounds of silver to take back Egypt. Silver's priced on a check last week was just over $252 a pound, so in today's money he paid over $151 million US dollars to get back Egypt. I gotta say, doesn't sound like a bad price for a kingdom. It seems like a good deal to get your kingdom back for $150 million. Shortly after regaining power, told him he fell ill and in his will, he named his son

and daughter, told me the 13th Cleopatra VII to be co-regions to rule upon his death as was customary in their dynasty, a lot of co-rulers, and then he died in 51 BCE. So Cleopatra, now in charge of Egypt, Cleopatra and her brother inherit an empire in shambles. Their father was never able to fully pay back Roman creditors. They're the end of Tolemies' reign. The value of Egyptian coinage dropped to about 50% of its previous value at the beginning of his reign because of the Roman loss of faith in his Egyptian economy. Cleopatra is only 18, her brother is only 10, so really she is now the sole ruler of Egypt.

In a solemn ceremony before Egypt's high priest Cleopatra and her brother ascend to the throne, probably in late in the spring of 51 BCE, she applies herself more than any of her predecessors. She was allegedly the first and only told me to bother to learn the language of Egypt, the language of the seven million people over whom she ruled. That's unbelievable to me. The arrogance of her ancestors. They've been in Egypt for three centuries. They're like, ah, faggot.

Ah, I don't want to learn the language. It's common folk. Pfff, peasants. As is custom in her family, she and her brother married, gross. Not only is he your brother, but you know, he's 10. Hoping, guessing, they did not consummate their relationship. It's very disturbing wedding night to think about. Young told him he's guardians conspire against Cleopatra.

Even though he's 10, he's not too young to try and kill a sister. He's a told him It's in their blood. They conspire against Cleopatra and they don't kill her, but they do banisher. They banisher from Alexandria and 49 BCE. So now she has to go to Syria and she soaks out there and plots her way as far as how to get back in rule Egypt. She's 21, she's an orphan, she's an in living in exile now. While in exile, their own republic falls into civil war war a civil war that will end the republic eventually the two sides of the world

led on one side by the great general pompay also knows pompay the great i told you great uh... the conquering friend of her father who she stayed with in rome the man who helped restore her father to power in egypt and buy another famous military general in conquering the site july cesar the man she would later have a famous love affair with a man She would bear a son The two men were once allies in both decorated veterans Caesar had conquered much of what is now France

Pompe had conquered much of what is now Turkey and both wanted Rome all to themselves By the summer of 48 BCE Julius Caesar was winning the war He he dealt Pompey a crushing defeat in ancient Greece Pompey had fled to Egypt only to be stabbed upon landing on the coast of Egypt and decapitated. What? And what? Decapitated. He was, listen, you guys, you think that was a flood? He didn't have his head cut off. He was, as I said, decapitated, which means it doesn't mean anything. He was decapitated. He had his head cut off by Egyptian forces loyal to Cleopatra's brother

Caesar summons Cleopatra back to court in Alexandria, but young told me the 13th doesn't want her to return refuses to allow her back to Egypt So Cleopatra decides to take a huge risk sneak back into Egypt and grazeate herself with the new master of the Roman world Maybe he could help her restore her to power, overthrow her brother, help her like Pompeii, helped her father. And the Roman historian Plutarch tells us quite a tale of how she makes it into the royal palace. He tells us that a loyal Sicilian confidant of hers named Apoladorus sneaks her down the Nile River in a basket.

Apoladorus silently maneuvered a tiny two-ord boat into Alexandria's eastern harbor and under the palace wall just after dusk. At some point, before a Polidor's doxxes boat, Cleopatra crawls into an oversized sack of either hamper leather in which she arranges herself lengthwise. A Polidor rolls up this bundle,

you know, she cures with leather a cord and throws Cleopatra in this bundle over her shoulder, then just walks, you know, carries Cleopatra to the palace directly in the seizure sleeping quarters rooms that used to belong to her. Yeah, take that little husband, bro. Take that husband, bro. Try and kick me out now. You weasely little backstab and bastard back in the palace with the most important man

of Rome. I have three distinct advantages over you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexiest, as hell. Hell is a fena. And I have what has historically been found to be one of the world's greatest assets, a 21 year old vagina. 53 year old Caesar was intrigued by young Cleopatra. Of course he was. A woman 32 years as junior, scandalous age difference for some families, but since he wasn't her uncle or brother or cousin brother, pretty tame for the tolemies. When young tolemie discovers that his sister was with Caesar, he reacts much like you would suspect a

13 year old inbred petch on that ruler wood. He storms out and throws a full fledged temper tantrum his he fit in the street, balling in the street. It doesn't say anywhere that he literally threw himself down the street and balled like a baby, but that's how I interpret temper tantrum. So I'm going to think that happened. When he's done, Caesar proposed a reconciliation between Cleopatra and Tolemie on the condition that she should rule as his colleague in the kingdom. And then Tolemie starts falling again. This time it does say he cried.

So he ran off crying. And some of Caesar's men to go find him, all right, stop crying again. Return to the palace. And then they placed him under house arrest until Caesar can decide, you know, well, what needs to be done. Caesar examined their father's will and reminded both Cleopatra and young told me that their father had intended them to rule together. And then to show them he was a good dude. He gave the island of Cyprus to two of the other siblings, 17 year old, or sineway, 12 year old, tollaby the 14th. Again, so confusing, two brothers,

both named toomey. The dad named Tolomey with Grandpa named Tolomey. Only Cleopatra is interested in the offer. Tolomey and his advisors hated it so much they plot to have Caesar poisoned. They plot to have Cleopatra sister or Sinaway. Oh, I'm sorry, Cleopatra sister or Sinaway, she decides she wants a lot more than cypress

she also wants to really jimmed so she conspires with the head of the Egyptian army uh... kill us one of the men who had killed Pompeii she made a known to the other Alexandrians that she should lead because she was not enthralled by a roman for forerunner uh... the public rallies behind her so soon told me is plotting to kill caesar inside the palace another sibling are sinaway.

It leading a revolt outside the palace walls, trying to kill Caesar. Both of them, you know, trying to kill a patriot, I'm sure as well. Fucking tollamy's most conniving pieces shit family ever. 47 BC, Caesar and his men prepared a battle. The Egyptian forces of tollamy in our sinaway.

The Egyptians initially have a navy twice the size of the busy Romans. So initially they'd have the advantage. Caesar controls the palace and a lighthouse in the east, but it kill us and the Egyptian army dominate the rest of the city. And with it nearly every advantageous position outside the palace, the Egyptians are initially favored to win. Fortunately for Caesar and Cleopatra, a large army of Roman reinforcements, hurry towards

Alexandria, mainly from Judea, a Judean general arrives Judea. I guess I suppose a Judean general arrives with the contingent of 3000 well-armed Jewish fighters. They can, they can version of fierce battle west of the Nile, a location halfway between Alexandria and present a Cairo. The casualties are great on both sides. Caesar manages his swift victory and survives. Young told me does not. He dies at some point during the ensuing fighting. Two Cleopatra siblings are now down two more to go. Achilles and other high ranking Egyptian military and court members also die are Sinnohay is placed in Roman custody and Cleopatra is placed back on the throne.

So now she is able to reign supreme more securely than she had done, you know, four years previously. More securely than any told me in several generations, said ruled to satisfy the people's preference for a ruling couple and possibly so Caesar could win favor with the Egyptian people. Cleopatra's 12 year old brother told me the 14th now ascends to the throne. He and Cleopatra are wed soon after the Alexandrian surrender. Like all of history's great rulers, Cleopatra has now been married to two separate siblings. That's how you do it. You want power? You don't marry a sibling. You marry two of them. You marry one. Get that one killed.

Marry another and then all the power is yours. Told of me the 14th, assumed the same title in men used by his dead brother, but he doesn't seem to have had the same ambition to rule his older sister bearer and icy now his older brother told me It both died over family power squabbles his sister our sinaways about to be shipped off the Rome is a prisoner of war His co-region Cleopatra now the lover of who is likely the most powerful men in the world Julius Caesar So you know Initially he knows his place is to just kind of shut the fuck up to stay alive. He would, yeah, the postwar festivities would certainly have included the lavish victory procession through Alexandria Cleopatra back on top. Cleopatra needed to unite her people to assert

her political supremacy, cement her claim, overhear detractors. Caesar wanted her to do so for his political ambitions, a stable Egypt critical to his plans. Egypt produced way more grain than it consumed. Cleopatra ruling a stagial Egypt could single handedly feed Rome and make him look great. Right? Roman citizens love more than anything else to have enough food to be alive. Together, they were quite the power couple. June 26 46 BC BCE. Caesar leaves Egypt for Rome far later than he should have because Rome is in turmoil to protect Cleopatra, 12,000 of legionaires who had followed Caesar remain in Egypt. Then two weeks after Caesar

departs, Cleopatra goes into labor gives birth to his son, son who become known as Siserion or little Caesar. Formerly his name was told to me, told me the 15th Philip Pator father, oh, sorry, it's even longer than that. Told me the 15th Philip Pator, Philip Meator father lover, mother lover. They're going to try and throw both those titles on him. And then of course Caesar at the end. They just, they just tried killing their family so much. They're like, well, maybe if we name them father lover, maybe if we name them mother lover, they'll stop killing everybody.

Mother ship cemented Cleopatra's reign further, the Egyptian court and people and priests loved male offspring, right, to carry on the dynasty, some continuity. And so she ruled Egypt alone while Caesar returned to Rome and early into her new period of rule, Egypt's economy stabilizes. The grain harvest or plentiful Life is good and Egypt again. Young Cleopatra becomes fantastically wealthy, as ruler she was privileged to keep Texas out half of the wealth that Egypt produced. How insane is that? She got to keep half of Egypt's money. That's like that's like the president getting to keep half of what America produces, or like half of the taxes. In 2017, the American federal government

took in $3.3 trillion in tax revenue. Can you imagine if a US president just threw $1.65 trillion into his personal savings account in just a year, right? After that, thanks, Foggers. Good luck fixing schools and potholes now. Have fun working two jobs, the barely scraped by,

and now that you don't even have a police to help you keep a shit, you can afford, you probably won't have that for very much longer. We can't pay for law enforcement on half a budget. Best of luck, I'm gonna bounce out to Egypt, I'm gonna rule from there, maybe Greece. I'm gonna kick everyone out, bring over all the world's best scientists, work on a giant space station for me

and some of my family and rich friends to live on when my terms are over, or my terms is over in the countries and flames and ruins. They're going to figure out how to make all of us immortal is going to be sweet. I think a four year total salary is around six trillion. She'd buy me all the space shit and immortality I need. And it's just unfathomable amount of money. Historians estimate Cleopatra's annual cash revenue was probably between 12,000 and 15,000 silver talents, which in today's value, between $181,227 million worth of silver, a year. Just going to Cleopatra in her court.

Not a bad check. To really put it in perspective in terms of buying power and the day in relation to other jobs at the time, pre-smade 15-talency year, that was a coveted position. Pirates once put a ransom of 20 talents on young Julius Caesar's head. A half talent fine was crushing to the average peasant.

Like you're done if you got a payback half a talent. One talent paid for the most lavish of lavish funerals. So with this money, Cleopatra could afford a staff a powerful army to rule her land with and be a powerful asset to Caesar. In late 46 BCE Cleopatra heads to Rome to meet Caesar. This is the second time Cleopatra has now been to Rome, right?

Once as a young child, stay with Pompeii, as you flee there with their dad, now to go stay with Caesar while she's in charge. It was a nearly 2000 kilometer over 1200 mile journey across the Mediterranean, traveling northwest, you're constantly fighting the wind To the long time to get there According to most historians in the first century BC a Rome and Alexander were the two biggest cities in the world On 46 BC a Rome had likely just surpassed Alexandria in population both cities home to nearly a million people each Many of us have heard the tales of the ancient splendors of Rome, but Alexandria, equally wondrous.

Alexandria had this 90 foot wide avenue that would leave visitors and all like this main street. It's scale unmatched in the ancient world. You could lose a day exploring this city from end to end. This big avenue lined with a delicately carved columns, silk awnings and richly painted facades. It was a conopic way. It could accommodate eight chariots driving a breast.

The city's primary side streets were nearly 20 feet wide each, paved with stones, expertly drained, partially lit at night. I mean, think about this way back before the time of Christ. All this stuff is like this grandiose and modern almost. From east to west, the city measured nearly four miles. It was a wonderland of bass, theaters, gymnasiums, courts, temples, shrines, synagogues, a swelling, you know, just a bunch of music, chaos and color. It was a mood-altering city of extreme sensuality and high intellectualism.

It was like the Paris of the ancient world, according to one historian. It was a place to go to spend your fortune, write your poetry, find or forget a romance, restore your health, and reinvent yourself. So impressive to me that all this existed so, so long ago. On his return from Alexandria, Caesar began to institute a number of reforms drawn from his Egyptian stay. He went to work on the Roman calendar, which by 46 BCE had crept three months ahead of the season. For some time, a Roman

year had consisted of 355 days to which the authorities added an extra month randomly, suit their, you know, purposes and try and catch it up. Caesar adopted the Egyptian calendar of 12, 30-day months with an additional five-day period at the end of the year, subsequently deemed the only intelligent calendar which had existed in human history. He adopted as well the 12 hour division between night and day, that he had known in Alexandria. That's pretty cool.

There are AMPM comes from this. He also installed a gold life size statue of Cleopatra beside a statue of Venus and Rome, the goddess from which he claimed to sent and to whom he ascribed his victories. Dude, new, how to woo a queen. Excuse me, Cleopatra returned Alexandria after a short stay to attend royal affairs, then bounced back to Rome a few months later. And 45

BCE, 45 BC, Caesar and his men also finished off the last of those loyal to his former rival Pompeii to control Rome. The Civil War was Caesar announced finally over. He settled in Rome for it was to be the longest uninterrupted state there in 14 years. He had defeated Pompeii, he had defeated the Senate, he was bringing the Republic to an end. One man would now again rule Rome for the first time in centuries, for the first time since Roman monarchs. But back when I had a king, it was just a small city state. Now it's a vast empire, the most powerful one in the world. In February of 44 BCE, Caesar is named dictator for life. That's kind of like the best job he can get.

In the scale of jobs, what has the most job security, actually turned out it didn't for him. But you would think in theory, dictator for life would. He was dictator for life. It's just his lifespan got much, much shorter after that declaration. His image was to grace Roman coins, which was a first

for a living Roman. And then he went a little mad with power, became obsessed with conquering more land than Alexander the Great. Caesar planned to clear Rome's way to India. Alexander tried, didn't quite pull it off. He was 55 years old, intent on a mission that would consume at least three years. The one that, you know, Alexander the Great, he wasn't Roman, he was great, but I had nearly succeeded at doing. He sent 16 legions and a sizable cavalry head to Parthia, announcing a departure date of March 18th, and Cleopatra is in Rome for all of this.

Man, that would suck to be the husband of one of Cleopatra's girlfriends, right? No matter what you do, you just can't compete with Caesar. You ever done that? You ever had like your girls friend, dude, just be like at a different level than you are. And then you get to hear like, well, you know what happened with so-and-so today? You flew around to Hawaii. I was like, good for so-and-so.

You know? Just high baby, Bryce and Flowers. Oh, thank you, Galas. Funny Cleopatra was just talking about flowers. Caesar brought some flowers for her in from goal. It's one of the many places that he conquered that he's supreme, a supreme ruler of. Oh, what good, good for Caesar? Uh, did he bring her a chaed bust of his beauty? Haha. Like the one I have for you in the garden. I've secretly had a sculptor working on it for months. Now he, he didn't, he didn't have a Jade garden sculpture built. He had a life-size golden sculpture made by the best sculptor in the world. Had

it placed near the temple of Venus in the city center for everyone to see. Had a place next to the goddess Venus herself. Ah well, that good for fucking him. Get flat son of a bitch. You know, we need a vacation. How about we head to Paris? Just get away from Rome, get away from Caesar. That's a great idea. You know, I'll ask vacation. How about we head to Paris, just get away from Rome, get away from Caesar. That's a great idea. You know, I'll ask Cleopatra to ask Caesar, where, where'd we say? Because he knows a lot about Paris, and he conquered that city on behalf of Rome, the empire he ruled single-handedly.

So March 15th, 44 BCE, three days before he has set to attempt to conquer India and all the lands around it, Caesar calls a meeting with the Senate that doesn't go well for him. All rise, his Caesar enters, the dictator for life, the laurel reed on his head, Caesar fucking things are good for me. It's about 11 o'clock. He settles into his new golden chair, not a golden chair, waiting to have sex with the Queen of Egypt, Things are good. Then he's speaking. And according to historians, his petitioner interrupts and midsens reaches out yanks on his toga. Yanks is toga roughly from his shoulder. It's the signal. It's the pre determined signal. Then this group closes it closes in on him of senators, you know, bearing daggers. He

twists away from the initial knife, which only grazes him, finds himself powerless against the, the reign of knife blows at follow. Every conspirator had agreed to participate in the attack to stab wildeat Caesar and they're doing that. They're stabbing wildeat his face, his thighs, his chest and occasionally at one another. Damn it. Not good for the heroine of today's tale.

Much of Cleopatra's power lies in her alliance with Caesar. He put her back in power, and now a month after becoming the sole leader of Rome, dictator for life, he's dead. He gets stabbed to death. March 17th, Caesar's will is unsealed, read aloud at Mark Antony's home. People gotta be on pins and needles,

including Cleopatra's home. Oh, please, please have willed Rome to me. Mark Antony is one of Caesar's most trusted and loyal generals, Constellin Rome. Anthony had been physically prevented from entering the Senate. The day Caesar was killed to protect him, although Cleopatra had been a Roman mid-September when Caesar composed his will, she was not named in the will.

Gah, it's got a sting. Yup, yep, he left the villa and the grounds on which Cleopatra was living to the people of Rome. He'd bequeathed 75 drakmas to every adult Roman male in the city. He actually could not legally bequeath money to a foreigner, and he did not, which is weird. I mean, he's not. He doesn't have a problem bending the rules, but he doesn't bend this one.

And he also makes no mention of him and Cleopatra's son, Sarian. And a move that startled everyone, he also makes no provisions to mark Anthony one of his closest confidence instead Caesar names Guyus Octavian his 18 year old grand nephew is his heir people were expecting mark Anthony to be named as the air. Caesar had formally adopted this this guy and granted him three fourths of his fortune and more value will be more value will be his name. Anthony is appointed Octavian's guardian. That's a shitty consolation price. Hey, I know you were expected to be named the man, but guess what? Even better. You get to be protector of the man. That's pretty cool. So yeah, three days later, the city

erupts in riots. And Caesar's funeral turns into a savage hunt for his murders. Within one month of Caesar's murder, Cleopatra returns to Alexandria. For the time being, her position as Pharaoh of Egypt is safe. All parties agree that none of Caesar's regulations, favors and gifts were to be revoked, including giving restoring her into power. Even Cyprus is secure. Cleopatra is going to remain a friend and ally of Rome. However, treachery would ensue again, of course, at the hands of her

family, damn told them, no family has ever loved to plot against kill and marry other family members like these. Just power hundred hungry dirt bags. While an ex-Sollon Rome are sinnoway, Kleepak's was younger sister who was taken to Rome by soldiers loyal to Caesar, made new friends. Why she hadn't given up her lust for the Egyptian throne. After being paraded around Rome and a victory parade for Caesar, she was then sent to be held captive in the temple of Artemis in the Greek city of Ephesus. And in Ephesus, our Sinoway marshals enough support to have herself proclaim queen of Egypt and free.

Right? They don't quit these Toulames. It makes sense now that you just had to kill them. It's believed that our Sinoway conspired with her younger brother, Cleopatra's co-regent to all of me the 14th to have Cleopatra killed, whether she actually did or not, Cleopatra now has the 15 year old brother killed allegedly by poison. Our sineway's life is spared for the moment because she doesn't have the clout and emphasis to have her killed there.

If you're keeping track of Cleopatra's immediate family members and their treachery, we don't know what happened to her mom. A lot of people think she was killed. You know, based on the history of her family, probably murdered her dad wasn't murdered, but did have his daughter Cleopatra's older sister, Barra Nicy, the fourth killed in order to take the throne back from her. Cleopatra's younger brother told me the 13th died in the battle with Caesar because he resists in sharing the throne with Cleopatra. Now Cleopatra has her only older brother told me that the or only other brothers, excuse me, told me the 14th killed because he tries to kill her or because he was in her way. So five kids, three now dead due to fighting over the throne and the remaining two siblings want to kill each other. The murder of told me the 14th allows Cleopatra to proclaim her son, Siserion as her co-regent,

she does this summer. Thankfully, it doesn't seem that they marry each other. At some point, after July, a newly upon a upon a upon a month that occurred in 14, excuse me, occurred in 44 BCE for the first time. Siserion is named Pharaoh. Siserion became King told of me who is as well Caesar, father loving mother loving God is his whole name. I like how they threw in there who is as well Caesar.

Let's not forget that he should be ruling Rome. However, because she could realistically dream, however, excuse me, before she could realistically dream of her son taking over the world, she has to take care of her own kingdom first. She does now fall in a part in Egypt. So much drama in this story, such a rollercoaster. And unlikely, unlikely and untimely drought hits the North African desert. The Nile did not stir over the spring of 43 BCE. That summer it failed to rise at all. It would prove equally uncooperative

the following year crops fail to a degree that defied historical record. No bueno. Cleopatra's people are starving. She has little choice, but to open the royal granaries, distribute free wheat. The timing is particularly terrible

as the Roman Civil War is, you know, returning violently to Egyptian shores in 43 BCE. That's a bitch. She inherits the throne, gets exiled, buy her little brother, husband, then Rome falls into Civil War, risks her life to sneak back into Alexandria to talk to Caesar to get him to put her back in the throne. It works. She not only gets put back in the throne, her rival brothers killed another rival sibling, her sister is banished. She also has Caesar's baby, Mary's another brother, travels with Caesar to Rome, sees him named emperor, then he gets killed just to flee back to Egypt.

She then has her remaining sister, tried to kill her and she kills her remaining brother, husband. Now our sister waits for her throne in Greece while her people starve in Egypt. And now more Romans head to Egypt, forcing her to form a new alliance, where risk Rome either taking Egypt for itself or dethroning her. How did I ever think history was boring? This shit makes hardcore porn seem tame. All this happens in just 12 years.

Craziness and Cleopatra's life is about to get even more complicated. And we're gonna dig into the next big block of her life right after this next sponsor. Time suckers brought to dig into the next big block of her life right after this next sponsor. Time suckers brought to you today by another beloved sponsor, the Great Courses Plus. The Great Courses Plus is an online streaming service that gives in-depth information on a huge variety of different topics, so much knowledge, so much to be sucked. Learn about virtually anything you're interested in with thousands of lectures to explore across history, human behavior, science, travel, cooking, so much more. All the information is reliable in fact, based, not easy to find that on the web, which I can

testify to after doing this podcast for a while now. There are nine courses, 50 different lectures on Egypt alone, so much info to dive into if you like today's topic. There's a lecture on Cleopatra, and of course, it's not even on Egypt, of course, on the ancient Greeks. So really, even more Egypt than those 50 different Egyptian lectures. Professor Jay Rufus fears, how great is his name, Professor fears. Harvard educated former professor of the classics, the University of Oklahoma.

He passed away recently, but he was, then he gives a 30-minute breakdown of Cleopatra's life. If you want to know exactly how to pronounce all the craziest names from today's tales, but he was, then he gives a 30 minute breakdown of Cleopatra's life. If you wanna know exactly how to pronounce all the craziest names from today's tales, listen to this dude. If he says the name that sounds a little different than one of the names I've said, I think you should probably go with him every time. The Great Courses Plus will enrich your life,

and as a time-soaker, you can sample it for free with unlimited access to learn about anything. Start your free trial, now only at the great courses plus dot com slash time suck. That's the great courses plus dot com slash time suck link of course in the episode description and of course you can just push that great courses plus button and the sponsor section the time suck app. Now on to the next big chapter of Cleopatra's life. In Rome, in 43 BCE, Octavian, Mark Antony, Marcus, Amelia's, Lepidus. They formed the second, uh, uh, Triumvirate. I think I got it.

Each man was elected to a five-year term to co-rule and restore order to the Republican bring Caesar's assassins to justice. Men who'd gone into hiding. A Roman senator and general, Gaius, Cassius, uh, Lunggionus. Sounds like one of those names I made up earlier. Lunggionus, Pena, Cassi, Cassi, no. This is, uh, Gaius, Cassius, Lunggionus. One of Caesar's assassins reaches out to Cleopatra for military aid. The battle for Rome is on. Another general, former ally of Pompey when Pompey battled Caesar for Rome, who then became an ally of Caesar, also reaches out to Cleopatra for aid. Now Cleopatra has to decide who to align herself with. Pretty important choice. Who has the best chance of taking Rome? Who if they take Rome or the least interested in

having her and her son killed, since they may fear that her son will make a claim to Rome as Caesar's heir? So she tells Cassius that due to the drought, she can't help him. Ah, bummer. She tells him she didn't appreciate him murdering the father of her children. She'd like him to make a formal apology. And then he does. And then the two of them went and then Cleopatra bears Cassius three sons. No, that doesn't happen. Balls balls on that guy though for asking her for help. Hey, Cleopatra, I listen, I know that the last time we spoke, it was, it was just before I plotted against and then killed your baby daddy.

But, you know, it's just crazy. I mean, you're told of me. You fucking get it. You're probably, you probably would've killed him anyway. Hell, you're probably eating one of your own babies right now. You told him he's a loony of shit. Anywho, can I have some soldiers? I need soldiers.

I need to take Rome and shit. You know, I gotta, I gotta lead it. Or, you know, I'm gonna be dead. Cause that's what they do. If I don't lead it, they're gonna want me dead and shit. So, you know, TTYL. Can you imagine if that's how ancient people actually spoke? It's they just were as crass and informal with language

as many of us are now. Yo, Cleo, like they're translating that. Here's the translation. Yo, Cleo, fuck's going on with you in shit in Egypt. But it's how this fuck shit, all sanding shit. I couldn't do it. I ain't fucking with those crocs, you know. Nah, I'll play it.

So give me some soldiers in shit, you feel me? Cleo Patrick does offer to give aid to Publius Cornelius, Dolabella, a man Mark Antony put in charge of the province of Syria, a man allied with Mark Antony, and therefore a man who is an enemy of Cassius. She sent to four legions, previously left to her by Caesar, to guard her to now aid Dolabella. And then unfortunately, those troops are captured by Cassius in Palestine. Damn it.

And then Cleopatra's governor and Cyprus, Serapian, Defects to Cassius and provides him with ship's trader. That's exactly why I have never trusted a guy by the name of Serapian. I've known, you know, I've known, if I had a nickel for every Serapian, I've met, where I'm like, ah, don't trust him, his sketchy name, it just seems sketchy. So yes, this guy is a trader, turns on him,

provides Cassius ships, not good, ties are turning in favor of the man who had her man killed. You know, I struggle with what to call Caesar in relation to Cleopatra. Lover, baby daddy. The two were never married in the eyes of Rome. They were together, but they did seem to have some sort of Egyptian wedding ceremony,

even though Cleopatra was technically married to her brother, so they could co-rule. These people had the most complicated lives. Anyway, shit is not going well though Cleopatra was technically married to her brother, so they could, they could co-rule. These people had the most complicated lives. Anyway, shit is not going well for Cleopatra. Looking like she's picked the wrong horse to win the race, especially when Cassius is army in circles, Dolabella, and his remaining troops in July of 43 BCE, and he commits suicide. Tough break when the horse you bet on kills itself. That's not good in a horse race.

Where you're like, man, what happened to the horse race? How the horse race go for you? You're right now, my horse killed itself. How for the race? Ah, that sucks. Sucks, especially if you've better good chunk of your fortune, your future on this horse. Cleopatra now takes her own fleet to Greece to personally assist, lead some ships out there, personally assist Octavian on Anthony and their combined fight against Cassius, but her ships could heavily damage in a Mediterranean storm, and she arrives too late to aid in the fighting. Dang it. Luckily, despite Cleopatra being unable to help mark Anthony and Caesar's adopted son Octavian win their war anyway. By the autumn of 42 BC, Anthony had defeated the forces of Caesar's assassins at the battle of Philippi, a battle in Greece that an estimated 200,000 men fought in, or

Philippi, leading to the suicide of Cassius and Brutus. At two Brute, that Brutus. Later in Dante's 14th century Italian epic poem, Dante's Inferno, the first part of his divine comedy, Brutus is one of the three people deemed sinful enough to be chewed in one of the three mouths of Satan in the very center of hell for all eternity. The other two are Cassius, who is Brutus' fellow co-conspirator, we just talked about, and Judas is carry out,

be trailer of Jesus. So Dante didn't like these guys. Dante condemned these three in the afterlife for being treacherous to their master. So legendary traders in the summer of 41 BCE, Cleopatra and Anthony meet after the war. She's got some explain to do. She needs to make sure that her lack of productive assistance against Cassius didn't doesn't get interpreted as, you know, her having backed Cassius

because that doesn't look good. Anthony now controls the East for Rome, Egypt follows in her his scope of influence. He's the most important Roman Cleopatra can talk to. Anthony is a younger man than Caesar was when she met Caesar. Anthony is 42 curly hair, square jawed, broad shoulders, all muscled up, all jacked. She decides to wow in with the grand entrance and held up a first impression after he continually requests her presence. Anthony had installed himself in Tarsus, this flourishing administrative capital of Celicia near the south eastern coast of modern Turkey. Cleopatra, this how she introduced himself to introduce herself to him. This is an incredible first impression. She floats up a bright crystalline river into Tarsus. On a barge with gilded stern and

soaring purple sails. She reclines, Mitha Golden Spangled Canopy dressed as Venus in a painting. Young boys looking like painted cupids, standing on her sides in fanner. Her fairest maidens are dressed as sea nymphs. Some steering at the rudder, some working at the ropes. Wondrous odors from countless incense offerings to fusing themselves along the river banks.

She floats into Tarsus like something out of a dream. Anthony Gapes at the extraordinary display, Cleopatra smiles modestly, apologizes for such a modest interest. Ah, sorry. Sorry, it's not so grandiose. I had to do this quickly. I had to find a few sea nymphs and hurry and some cupids. I'll try harder next time. She tells

him that she brought some wedding gifts for him, which were everything he was looking at. Invites him to come and dine with her the next day along with his friends and commanders. After that meal, she sends her, sorry, if you heard a little bark, penny pooper and ginger bell are in the suck dungeon and they need to shut the fuck up. Sorry, dogs, dogs are running loose near the recording studio today. But she, yeah, she tells them you know, she brings all these gifts, you can have everything, they have this nice dinner, tells the guests, they've admired the dinner, they take with them, she gives them everything including the couches. Anthony returns for another meal a few days later, he arrives to a knee deep, knee deep,

expanse of roses. The whole display serves a very specific purpose for Cleopatra. It says, you should be my ally because look around. I have a lot of fucking money, so much money, so many talents. I have so many talents. I could help you. She also knows that because of years of civil war, the Roman coffers are virtually empty. She knows that they need money.

Mark Anthony was also a party boy and she knew the pure extravagant fun of everything she was doing would appeal greatly to him. What other hostess in the world could show him this decadent of a good time? On his way to Tarsus, Anthony had been hailed as clea patronu as the new dionisius dionisus there we go got a wine fertility theater and more ancient greek religion myth the party got he's a party boy though her display works one historian said her effect on and he was immediate and electrifying

she had seduced a second incredibly powerful roman man impressive for a woman back then especially impressive for a woman who is not a Roman citizen. As usually the Roman leaders stayed within their own kind of circles for dating. Cleopatra stayed a few weeks accomplished a great deal. She'd re-secured her throne for the time being. By the time she sailed home, Anthony had in his hand a list of demands from Cleopatra, one of which was killing her last surviving sibling. Told them he's, they loved to kill their siblings. Anthony ordered our sineway to be forcibly removed from the temple of Artemis,

and she was killed on the temple's marble steps. Before the ornate ivory doors that her father had once donated to this place years earlier, now Cleopatra has no remaining kin to put to death. Her immediate bloodline, they're gone. Anthony also has the traitorous governor of Cyprus put to death, and she has fully restored the power there as well. A short time later, Mark Anthony travels to Egypt,

staying as a guest of Cleopatra's. He visits Alexandria's golden temples, frequents, frequents of gymnasiums, attend scholarly discussions, parties as ass off, just a dude on top of the world and join the Splendors of a foreign kingdom having sex with their queen, knowing he could conquer the land if he, if he wanted to. God, he's got to feel good about himself when he wakes up in the morning. I am the greatest man alive.

It's another day for me. On April of 40 BCE, Anthony leaves Egypt for Syria to prepare for battle against the Parthenians, a major and long standing Iranian empire. He also receives a letter from his wife, Fulvia. Oops, that I mentioned he was already married. Fulvia was worried that her life and the lives of their two sons were in danger in Greece, and she had reason to be worried. The drama continues.

While Anthony was busy getting busy with Cleopatra, his ally against Cassius adopted son of Caesar. Octavian had returned to Rome to dispense Atlantic Caesar's veterans. Octavian was married to Fulvia's daughter, Clodia, from a marriage previous to Mark Antony. And now Octavian had divorced Clodia, which is an insult to Mark Antony. He divorces Mark Ant Anthony's stepdaughter. And he also accuses Fulvia of aiming at supreme power for herself and Anthony. So now Octavian is feuding with Anthony's wife.

She is getting tense between the two most powerful men in Rome. The tension is not good for Cleopatra, who could get brought down via some collateral damage if shit goes real sour between the two. Fulvia now fears that Octavian is spending too much time getting veterans loyalty, turning his men against Anthony and her family, afraid for her life, she flees to Greece. Fulvia then allies with her brother-in-law Lucius Antonius, Mark Ansel's brother, publicly

endorses her husband to rule alone without Octavian. She is getting serious. So in 40 BCE, Anthony sales for Rome to deal with this new rivalry with his previous ally Octavian. Shortly after he leaves, Fulvia gets sick and dies and this ends up being actually pretty good news for Anthony. Nothing he was like running around just, you know, his ship just high five into soldiers just, whoa, she's dead. Haha. My Roman wife is dead. Now I can focus on my Egyptian wife. No, but this works out in favor of for Anthony because when he arrives in Rome,

it's easier for him and Octavian to patch things up. You know, it was Fulvia's daughter that Octavian divorced, not Anthony's, and now as a sign of peace, Octavian gives his sister Octavia, not real creative with names these people, to Anthony to Whit. Had he still been married to Fulvia, he could not under Roman law, you know, Mary Octavia. So this is good for Anthony politically, but this is also terrible for Cleopatra. Not only is Anthony her man, but Octavian is by birthright her mortal enemy. Octavian stands in the way of her son's claim, seizures biological

sons claim on Rome. And now this is her dude's brother-in-law. She's just getting more complicated. This is such an ancient soap opera. At the end of 40 BCE, Cleopatra gives birth to twins, Alexander Helius and Cleopatra, Selene, the second A.K.A. Cleopatra, the eighth, and ancient Greek to last names mean sun and moon. When Mark, there are Mark Antony's twins, and ancient Greek, the last names mean sun and moon. When Mark, there are Mark Anthony's twins, and she gives birth to them while he is off marrying Octavia or on the verge of marrying Octavia.

When Octavia finds out she's thrilled. Of course she's thrilled. She loves kids. She thinks it would be fun. Now, not to only raise the kids, Anthony had previously with Fulvia, but also helps raise the kids, Anthony is having currently with another wife, so Cleopatra. Octavia is not Anthony's second wife, raise the kids. Anthony is having currently with another wife,

so Cleopatra. Octavia is not Anthony's second wife, by the way. She was his fourth, and this is not counting Cleopatra, and he'd had kids with each of his wives, an unknown amount of kids with the first one, dude, love getting it on. He actually built several temples to lose the Fina, the ancient Greek and then Egyptian goddess

of sexuality, love, mischief, and also sometimes a power and female independence. Hail Luciferina, a goddess who is sexual, yet transcends sexuality, the great seductress. Cleopatra worship Luciferina, as did many told them these before her. It's where Cleopatra got her sexual powers. It's also why her family ended up both fucking and killing each other so very often. Here's the thing about Cleopatra. Excuse me, here's the thing about Lucifina. Too much Lucifina worship can lead to hedonistic mayhem and anarchy. Too much carpe diem, not enough planning for the months and years ahead. It's not practical

to go full Lucifina all the time. However, too little loose of Fina can lead to an existence so boring and devoid of any real passion and a reverent fun that you die without ever really having lived at all. So complicated this loose of Fina. So hard for me to rap my male mind around some time. And of course, I'm departing from history when I speak of loose of Fina. She's a God in my world in the time suck world, not aunties. And I was kidding of course about Octavia being thrilled about aunties' discretion. So I'm guessing his relationship with Cleopatra

was something that him and Octavia, you know, didn't spend a lot of time talking about. History doesn't say. In the spring of 38 BCE, auntie and Octavia have a daughter, Antonio Minor, dude, love, making babies. There's a good chance that all of us are probably related to Mark Antony. He loved brothels too. And it's not like contraception was reliable back then.

So who knows how many kids make he might have had a gang as con love of kids. Anthony also heads to Syria at the stage and is delayed war with the Parthenians Octavian is new daughter of a company him Octavius actually pregnant with nutfuck this guy is very fertile Octavius pregnant with another daughter. He worries about Octavia's health, traveling with pregnant and has them stay in a mansion of his and Athens when they get degrees and not continue to travel with him. The safety of his family may have been part of his motivation to leave his family behind. The rest of it was so he could do more fucking. He wants to see Cleopatra again, probably wouldn't hate seeing his son and daughter as well back in Alexandria as other kids. Anthony would actually never see Octavia and his kids with her again. Anthony sails on reunites with Cleopatra and Antioch, then a city and are, I didn't write a pronunciation

for that one. Whatever, it's ANTIOCH pronounced as you will. Then a city in Syria, now a city in Turkey, not long after they arrived, coins were circulated, bearing the portraits of Anthony on one side, Cleopatra on the other. Anthony seized the twins he's had with Cleopatra for the first time who are now three years old, and apparently he has no problem with leaving one family behind to visit a new one.

He was allegedly fond of the saying, noble families were extended by the success of begettings of many kings. I told you love making babies. This is his very noble and proper way of saying, look, I'm a desired powerful man. I'm a fuck woman. Fuck. I don't think Lindsey would be cool with me having that outlook.

Hey, babe, listen, here's the deal. I'm yours when I'm here. When I hit the road, time to spread that seat. Of course, actually that would not work for me because you could just come back in a variety of ways because you could come back with, yeah, you're sterile. You've had a vasectomy. All you're going to be spreading are some STDs. You're going to be picking up from your roadhors.

Okay. So September 37, B.C. Not only had Anthony returned to Cleopatra, he came very big gifts. He expanded her kingdom in September of 37 BC. He gives her a well-witted part of today's Lebanon, a lush far off part of today's Libya, a generous swath of cedar, heavy part of today's turkey, portions of the island of Crete, all but two cities of the thriving Phoenician coasts. In several cases, Anthony eliminates raining kings and queens to give all this to Cleopatra

He's clearly very into where he he actually does seem to really have love Cleopatra You know as a guy who frankly could get just about any woman he wanted you know He would have he would have never fallen in love with someone You know who wasn't powerful like she was but he does seem to have really cared about her as opposed to just being like a a military ally. You know, Caesar is also cared for Cleopatra, but I don't think he cared for her like Anthony did. Caesar knew that he was stronger, more capable of conquering Rome with Cleopatra, and all the silver talents and weets, you know, she could supply his army. I feel like we're maybe his main motivation. His lack of mentioning her and his will, I think speaks of her importance to him.

And yes, as we said, it was not, you was not Roman custom to leave your fortune to a foreigner, but it's not like Cedars minded breaking Roman customs. Anthony spent enough time around Cedars to know how valuable militarily Cleopatra was to him. So he may have been lovesick, like I'm saying, but again, he also wouldn't have allowed himself to fall in love with somebody that couldn't, I'm sure, help him in some way.

Anyway, we can distract it. Anyway, by the fall of 37 BC, Cleopatra rules over nearly the entire Eastern Mediterranean coast. From what is today, Eastern Libya, in Africa, North through Israel, Lebanon, and Syria, to southern Turkey, excepting only slivers of Judea. She had nearly returned the Tullamaic Empire to the height of its third century glory. Mark Anthony took her empire to even greater heights than Caesar did.

Also in late 37 BCE, many historians believed that Mark Anthony and Cleopatra got married. Although their marriage would not have been recognized by Rome, since Anthony was still married to Octavia, a woman who was not only raised in their kids, but also raised in the kids' previously high-fovia. And remember, Octavia, the sister of the man, Anthony was really in Rome with. Man, a phobia. And remember Octavia, the sister of the man, Anthony, was ruling Rome with.

Man, he already almost clashed with Octavia. He's been pretty reckless with his romance with Cleopatra. He had to have known on some level that all of this is going to push him eventually towards war with Octavian. Another war for the sole throne of Rome. By early 36 BCE, Cleopatra is pregnant uh, carrying Anthony's child, another son told me for the Delphis, told me the brother loving is born in the fall of 36 BCE. Anthony, while Cleopatra was pregnant, had finally set off to fight for parthia and it was

going horribly. He was low on rations, funds and morale. Cleopatra came to the rescue with money, clothes, and I'm guessing hot desert sex with Anthony, a lover of dynisus. His other wife Octavia also tries to come to his rescue. Of course she does. I'm sure she's unhappy about Cleopatra, but she also knows that if her husband is defeated in battle, she's the widow of a beaten man and her stock social stock is greatly lowered in Rome. Or her nose, maybe she really did love this for askle. He was apparently a real charmer. Octavia asked her brother Octavian for permission to aid Anthony

and he grants it. Octavian's own campaign to be going well the past few years, he has the necessary men. With his sister, he sends an elite core of 2000 handpicked armored bodyguards to help Anthony kind of. He makes it look like he's helping Anthony, but really, he is fucking him over. The previous year Octavian had promised Anthony 20,000 men for Parthia, which he never delivered.

For Anthony to now accept these 2,000 men is to forfeit the 18,000 men at a time when he desperately needs more men to replenish his ranks. Octavian's trip essentially is an ambush. To decline her help is to insult his rival sister to accept is to accept less men than he needs for his campaign. There's no good choice. Anthony can make Octavia knows this out of loyalty to Cleopatra. Anthony denies his wife Octavia's kind of false help.

She had already set up on the trip by this time. She got the news and now she she finds out she's not wanted returned to Rome. A powerful woman scorned. That's not wanted, returns to Rome, a powerful woman, scorned. That's not good. Anthony has now rejected Octavia and essentially rejected Octavian with her. And 36 BCE without Octavia or Octavian's help. Anthony and his men take the kingdom of Armenia,

a land that Parthians had taken decades earlier, a substantial victory against the Parthians. He declares the kingdom of Roman province, he celebrates in true lavish Roman over the top style. victory against the parthians. He declares the kingdom of Roman province. He celebrates in true lavish Roman over the top style. He has the previously ruling family bound in chains of gold. In the open court of the Royal Complex, he discovers a silver platform on which two massive golden throne sit, Mark Anthony occupies one, addressing her as the new ISIS, new goddess. He invites Cleopatra to join him on the other.

She appears in the full regalia of the goddess ISIS, you know, this pleaded lustrously striped, you know, outfit. It's fringed edge reaching her ankles by one account, Anthony dressed as diet ISIS in a gold embroidered gown and high Greek boots by his command Cleopatra was henceforth to be known as the Queen of Kings. On coins minted for the occasion, she becomes the first foreigner to appear on a Roman coin. This has to be a huge insult to Octavia. She has to find out about this. Her brother has to find out about this.

After the victory, Anthony does not return to Rome. He stays with Cleopatra, which sends Octavian a strong message of, go fuck yourself. We don't need you for our Eastern expansion plans. We'll do this without you. Things are going super well for Cleopatra now. So she's able to supply her husband with all he needs for war. The drought has been long over or over long enough for a kingdom to again amassed tremendous wealth. She supplies 200 of Anthony's 500 warships, fully manned, along with 20,000 talents. All the supplies required to sustain a vast army. In his case, 75,000 legionnaires, 25,000 infantry, 12,000 cavalry for the duration of a war.

And things are going well for a time, things continue to go well for a time for Cleopatra and Anthony. They raise their kids, enjoy ruling over a vast land, probably have a bunch of crazy sex, you know, enjoy being super duper of saintly rich, and then late 32 BCE Octavian declares war on 51 year old Anthony and 37 year old Cleopatra. Surprise it took that long, but she had moved a lot slower in the age before phones, ships with,, ships with engines, even the pony expressed

and have mail. Before this declaration, many of Anthony's allies, at least a third of the Senate, the Roman Senate argued that Anthony should leave Cleopatra returned to Rome to rule with Octavian. Initially, Anthony did consider this, but Cleopatra argued that she'd fed his troops. She provided his fleet. She was as capable to him as any man. He didn't need them. She'd earned his loyalty. Anthony ends up a green. He chooses to stay with her bold fucking move. Octavion is a powerful powerful Roman general who now has you know full support of the Senate support of most of Rome soldiers. Anthony is placing a lot of faith in the support of Cleopatra in April of 32 BC Anthony and Cleopatraatra sail with Anthony's staff to the island of

Samos off the coast of modern day Turkey, staying in residence. Anthony formally shared with Octavia and then in May, he divorces Octavia. He showers Cleopatra with gifts in the summer of 32 BC. He gives Cleopatra the library of Progumum, an ancient library that rivaled the library of Alexandria as far as the great libraries of the ancient world. Back in Rome, Octavian conducts a smear campaign against Anthony. Warns the Senate that Anthony had become a slave to his love for Cleopatra. The Egyptian queen had subdued Anthony. Rome, Octavian, warned would be next to fall to

Egyptians, to a Cleopatra's Egyptian charm. All right, big, big on Lucifina. At the end of October, he declares war on Anthony and Cleopatra. The Senate strips Anthony of his consulship and relieves him of all authority. Anthony and Cleopatra are now the main enemies of Rome. In early 31 BC, Octavian superb naval admiral, Agrippa, made a swift surprise crossing to Greece and disrupts Anthony's supply lines and captures his southern base and then a stalemate ensues. Octavian could not lure Anthony out to sea where a gripper would crush him. Anthony could not coax Octavian onto a land battle where he could perhaps crush him.

After 16 weeks of the blockade, Anthony's supplies are running low. He doesn't have the manpower to power his men overland all the way into Rome. If he waits much longer, his men are going to starve. So what does he do? He decides to sneak out at night across the water, late in the evening of September 1st, Cleopatra's officers secretly load her chest of treasure under her ship and Anthony loads up 20,000 soldiers with them, thousands of archers and slingers around sunrise, Octavian's men look on an amazement as Cleopatra's speed, south, and her majestic flagship. And then they say, Anthony transferred from his flagship to a swift galley follows behind her

with 40 ships of his personal squadron. Anthony and Cleopatra had slipped away with a third of the remaining fleet in all over treasure. Anthony then heads to Libya, where he has posted four legions so we can relip a few more troops. He just left most of his troops behind. Cleopatra heads to Alexandria. They had escaped, but Octavian had now won.

Bittersweet victory, right? They'd left 19 legions of men in 12,000 cavalry behind who after a week of negotiations surrender to Octavian and become part of his army. Anthony is alive, but now is without an army big enough to fight Octavian. He was as the historian Plutarch, so cleverly wrote, mother fuck it, I couldn't do it.

Mother fuckticus, big timeicus. Just because a lot doesn't mean it's not true. He was Plutarch wrote, mother fuckticus, big timeicus, he was a chiticus out of a cuss, luckicus. Of course that's not true. That was harder to say than I thought it would be. I don't know why I had confidence in being able to say it. Anthony Roundovood with Cleopatra and Alexandria

after getting his troops in Libya. They both send Octavian letters now. Letters that are raised like, hey, sorry, sorry about stuff. Now they ask him to kind of, like can we attempt to reach some kind of resolution? That doesn't include you coming to Egypt and killing us? Octavian does not reply to initial letters. Anthony begs to be allowed to just live out the rest of his days as an Egyptian citizen, never to return to Rome and another letter.

Octavian doesn't reply to that. He then offers up his life if Octavian will spare Cleopatra's life. No dice. Octavian's not agreeing to any terms. Cleopatra sends letters. Cleopatra asks if she and Anthony both have to die. Can she at least pass her kingdom on down to her kids? Nope.

Cleopatra, as Octavian gets closer, even sends him and his troops a golden-sector crown and throne. She offers to step down his ruler. If he will just let her and her family live, he finally replies, okay, I'll do that in one condition. You have to arrange for Anthony's execution or at least exile him. She refuses.

I think she really did love this dude. She refuses and Octavian prepares to conquer Egypt. Cleopatra enjoys the next few months knowing they may be her last. They celebrate Cleopatra's 38th birthday, Anthony's 53rd. I bet they drank a lot of wine on those birthdays. Can you drink away the knowledge that the most powerful military leader in the world is now coming to kill you? Uh, as Octavian advances on Alexandria, Anthony decides at the last second to go to go out

fighting. He rallies the modest force. This is pretty badass. He rallies the modest force rides out to meet Octavians much larger, advanced guard. And the outskirts of the city, several miles east of the famed Cannopic Gate Octavians Army depleted from the march. Incredibly, get their asses kicked. Anthony's cavalry does win the day.

They route Octavians men exalted by his victory. Anthony returns to the palace, kisses Cleopatra and presents to her one of the soldiers who had fought well that day. For his courage, Cleopatra rewards this dusty young man with a golden breastplate in helmets, with respect and gratitude he accepts, and then that night he defects Octavian. Damn it! Anthony is undaunted by this though. He knows he can still win. He knows.

Sure Octavian has many, many more men than he does. Sure, more of his men are defecting to Octavian side by the minute, but he is found a new God. He has found a new God who will for sure lead into victory. Anthony had found solace and guidance at night and none other than Nimrod. Hail Nimrod. Luckily, there was a Nimrod altar in Alexandria. Nimrod, the ancient God of time sucked, the Babylonians, the Samaritan to beyond, the great and mighty hunter, the ancient Lord of battle, Lord of knowledge, master of the Anuniki. Nimrod, the giant space Sasquats, the size of an entire galaxy with the head of a Chubacabra. He who rides the black unicorn with flaming sons for eyes, he of the great alpha and Omega

Balsac, he of the flaming butthole of hell. Anthony finds a conqueror spaniel that ancient very Egyptian dog and smashes its skull with the altar of Nimrod to pay tribute, which I should mention is not necessarily how you're supposed to worship Nimrod now. Some theologians think that the old stomped the skulls of Cocker Spaniel's every month of short loyalty to Nimrod was actually a metaphor. They believe it was never meant to be taken literally. It's just meant to illustrate the point of sacrificing ignorance.

Cocker Spaniels not known to be very smart dogs. Both my dogs have a little cocker in them, and I'm pretty sure that's where all of Penny and Ginger's dumb comes from. Some believe Cocker Spaniels represent ignorance, right, in this kind of allegory. This is metaphor. The Cocker Spaniels represent ignorance in Nimrod mythology and by stomping out the ignorance, you're thereby worshiping and paying tribute to Nimrod.

That's how I interpret it. Others, however, the literalists, they do actually stop the Cockerspanials, which is unfortunate and I'm pretty sure very illegal. From what I can tell, from what I've gathered, I don't think you can buy a Cockerspanials smashing permit anywhere even if it's for religion, at least not where I found online

Anyway, forget about Cocker Spaniel. It's the important thing is to remember that none of this has anything to do with today's story None of this has anything to do with Roman or Egyptian history Sometimes the world of the suck again bleeds a little over into the real world of history Anthony had no idea who Nimrod was sorry to listen I know this a lot of the stuff has been confusing. Don't worry. I'm back on track now. Cause I'm back on track. Bano no, bano no. Answer me. Didn't know who Nimrod was. He didn't, and he didn't have faith in defeating Octavian. He knew he was fucked. He knows. He's a smart military guy. He knows he's not going to win. Cleopatra also knows not going to win. She flees to Hermos Alim sends a messenger

to Anthony with a report of her death. Perhaps she thought this news would cause Anthony to take his own life and then maybe Octavian would spare hers. We're not actually sure why she did it this way. When Anthony heard that Cleopatra had taken her life, he decides to take his own. Historian Plutarch writes that he said, Oh, Cleopatra, I am not distressed to have lost you for I shall stray to away join you. But I'm grieved that a commander as great as I should be found to be inferior to a woman encouraged by pre-arrangement. His servant, Eros, was designated to kill him, you know, in this situation.

Reminds me of the samurai. So, you know, that samurai kind of ritual suicide of a subbuku. Anthony now requests Eros to kill him. Eros draws his sword and then turns from his master and slays himself. Instead damn it. Right action wrong dude. A wrong body dude. Now you can't fix this. Arrows claps on Anthony's feet. Anthony then takes his own sword, the blade, which would have been about two and a half

feet long extended steel point runs it straight into his ribs, misses his heart, punctures his abdomen. Man that would hurt. He wounds himself severely, but doesn't do enough damage to kill himself quickly. He begs those around him to finish him off, but his immediate attendance have left him. Cleopatra hears what Anthony has done, sends her servants to find him. They find some of his soldiers and then those soldiers carry him bleeding to death and agony to the mausoleum. Cleopatra hauls Anthony up, lays him out on the couch. She rips and tears their robes, willing with grief. Anthony dies in her arms.

It's a bloody disgusting sad site. While some of their relationship was built on power, a lot was built on love. I really think that the love of Cleopatra's life had just died violently in her arms. The man who pushed him to take his life is now coming for her. Octavian reaches the mausoleum around August 1st,

tries to talk Cleopatra out of Killian herself. It's better for his returned to Rome if he brings her back alive so we can parade her around the city and defeat. That will bring him more glory than her death. While Negoshi and with Cleopatra, two of Octavian's men are able to sneak inside the mausoleum and barely stop her from Killian herself

with little dagger, Octavian then gives Cleopatra permission to bury Anthony herself. She and her two female attendants do it. This is just sadness stacked upon more sadness for Cleopatra now. It's all over. Her love is dead. Her kingdom is gone. She knows that the lives of her and her children are in grave danger. On the return of the mausoleum after burying Anthony, she orders a bath to be prepared. She is still allowed this luxury. She reclines their table and joins her. A meal she knows will be her last. She actually, uh, she ordered a chicken for lay number one, simple, lightly fried chicken, couple of slices of pickle, buttery buns, some waffle fries with a bit of ketchup,

and then some sweet tea and some lemon juice, a little bit of an arropalmer, uh, Palmer. Uh, no, I don't, I don't know what she had. I just, I just know that that sounds good to be right now because I haven't had carbs for weeks. Uh, anyway, surely after she was done eating a servant appeared outside her doors with the basket of figs directly on the countryside. She gives the man guarding her one of Octavian's advisors a note for Octavian. He briefly leaves her side to deliver it.

Octavian reads Cleopatra's request that Cleopatra would be buried at Ants and he's side and immediately he knows what she's done. Damn it, he dispatches messengers to try and reach her before it's too late. It is too late. They find a Cleopatra lane on a golden couch, probably an Egyptian style bed with lion paws for legs, a lion heads at its corners, majestically and meticulously arrayed and displayed in her most beautiful apparel. She grips in her hands that crooked and flail. Those very

Egyptian symbols you see on the tombs of those pharaohs, the symbols of the pharaohs, she goes out like a true Egyptian queen. In August, it's August 12, 30 BCE, in the last pharaoh to rule Egypt as dead. She's perfectly composed, completely dead, Octavian calls in a Libyan belief to enjoy some magical immunity to snake venom. By taste, they were said to be able to determine what kind of snake had bitten Cleopatra, and the prevalent rumor is that an ass snuck in that basket of figs, but poison was more likely alternative.

Most likely she swallowed a lethal drink. Maybe it's maybe hemlock and opium of Socrates would have done the trick or applied some kind of toxic ointment they had back then. Cleopatra's oldest son, Siserri and son of Caesar escapes and gets as far away as a port on the red sea. But then he decides to return to Alexandria, possibly to try and negotiate with Octavian to spare his life. It doesn't happen. Octavian's men murder him in Alexandria, possibly having tortured him first. As they pose no real danger, Cleopatra and Anzhi's children, Alexander Helios,

Cleopatra, Selene and tolemieias, returned to Rome with Octavian to be raised by his always amenable sister. She's just raising everybody's kids now. This Anthony's kids from so many different people. Octavian obliterated all traces of Anthony in both Roman and Alexandria then. And then Octavian returns to Rome, a city in disarray after years of civil wars. By 27 BCE, he will re-Christian himself as a gustus, a gustus the first, first emperor of the Roman Empire. The Roman Empire will endure in the West after that until 40, 476 CE,

which will mark the beginning of Europe's dark ages, and it will endure in the East until 1453 CE Falling last to the Ottoman Empire. And that takes us out of one hell of a time-suck timeline. Good job soldier. you've made it back barely. Look, it just ran a marathon. It's quite life, right? Before we recap it, here's a couple more random facts about Cleopatra. Cleopatra can speak at least seven languages, some say nine. She was very well educated, including Greek and Egyptian. Her brain was more important than her beauty, which may have not been that noteworthy. Plutarch wrote her beauty as we are told was in itself neither altogether incomparable,

nor such as to strike those who saw her. Rather was the whole package. Her wit, her charm, and again, according to Plutarch, the sweetness and the tones of her voice that made her so irresistible. She was a charmer. Intelligence is sexy. Confidence is sexy. You don't have to be born looking like some victorious secret runway model to be sexy as hell. Confident. Intelligence, Helus of Fena. In addition to being the first toldomake Pharaoh to learn the Egyptian language, she was also the first to worship Egyptian gods instead of Greek gods. She claimed to be the reincarnation of the Egyptian god Isis.

She was in many ways the most Egyptian Pharaoh the Egyptians had in three centuries. We know Mark Anthony loved a party, so to clear Patra, at least when she was with him in the winter of 41-40 BCE, early in their romance, living a life of leisure and excess in Egypt, the two actually formed their own drinking society, like a drinking club, known as the inimitable livers. The unsurpassed, unable to be copied drinkers. This group engaged in nightly feasts and wine benches,

and his members occasionally took part to elaborate games and contests. And apparently one of Anthony and Cleopatra's favorite activities was wandering the streets of Alexandria in disguise and playing pranks on its residents. That is so funny to me. Imagine the kind of pranks you get away with. If you're a queen of Egypt's and you know, and basically like, you know, one of the two

most powerful men in Rome. I mean, that would suck for the people you're playing pranks against. Please help. Miss Koreans have pushed me down the stairs. My arm is broken. Miss Koreans know it's his eye. Mark Anthony, son of Rome. Please, no, Anthony.

Please, not hurt me further. Before you pushed me down the stairs, I was fleeing a terrible woman who'd thrown snakes upon me in the alley, threatened to burn me alive if she caught me. That's no terrible woman. It is your queen, Cleopatra. This is all a royal joke But my arm is really broken stop crying peasants. You're ruining our mouth and marimites

Cry again, and your neck will soon be broken as well Take you take your bent arm and get out of here The name Cleopatra here's something else in ancient Greek means she who comes from a glorious father The name Cleopatra, here's something else, an ancient Greek means she who comes from a glorious father, fucking told of me, had all his male descendants named after him, and then most of his female descendants named in honor of him, the egos on these ancient rulers. Serenade with my kids, this is my son, Daniel,

and this is my daughter, she who loves her father, Daniel. Crazy how long the Egyptian empire lasted before it fell, Octavian. The great pyramids, Giza were constructed between 2550 and 2000, 2490, Jesus, BCE, two and a half millennia before Cleopatra. That means that Cleopatra lived closer to the time of the moon landing than she did to the construction of the pyramids. And yes, I do believe in the moon landing. Okay, also Romans and Egyptians were both exceptionally hedonistic in their time of Cleopatra and Mark Antony.

Probably not a big surprise. Romans are known for being very sexually decadent in 33 BCE during an opening of the year celebration in Alexandria, kind of a type of New Year's Eve party. A huge mass orgy was held in Cleopatra's palace. There were over 300 rumored to have attended. Cleopatra and Antony both have rumored to have participated. At one point during the party, the crowd gathered around a massed woman having sex with a male baboon.

He even crazed you're a massed man allegedly had sex with a female cheetah that I'm guessing had to have been tranquilized somehow I don't think I like a non-trank-alized cheetah is letting some dude fuck it But to be fair, I don't know a whole lot about the sexual desires of cheetahs Then things got even crazier for the grand finale another woman performed the devil's triangle with two camels When the deed was done this brought Anthony to his feet He had been he had been sitting and watching telling he brought Anthony to his feet. He had been sitting in Washington, he brought him to his feet, wildly clapping and cheering,

and he allegedly yelled out once more in Latin. And over the years, that has been translated into the modern encore. So that's kind of crazy, right? The origin of a band or other performer coming out to sing one more song, perform, whatever they're performing one more time. If you trace it all the way back, it actually originates to when two camels fucked an Egyptian

woman in the presence of Mark Anthony. Anyone did anyone bite on that? Did anyone at all believe that? Please tell me that some of you were like, get out of really. So when we yell on core, we're really in a way yelling for two camels to fucking lay. It's God. History is so strange. History is strange.

It is strange, but it's not quite that strange. That was nonsense, but fun for me. Let's get back to truth with today's Top Five takeaways. Time suck, top five takeaways. Number one, Cleopatra was born in 69 BCE, died on August 12, 30 BCE at the age of 39. She was a member of the Greek speaking family fucking family murdering crazy is shit. To a male, uh, total mag dynasty who ruled in some form in Egypt from 332 BCE to 30 BCE.

Number two, Cleopatra's first great love, father of her first child, Julius Caesar. The statesman in general, Julius Caesar, lived from 100 to 44 BCE, expanded the Roman Republic through a series of battles across Europe before declaring himself dictator for life, died famously on the steps of the Senate at the hands of political rivals.

Guy as Julius Caesar often remembers one of the great military minds, one of the greatest in history and credit it was laying the foundation for the Roman Empire. We should give him his own sucks someday. He, he, he's a side character in today's tale, but so much more to his life. Number three, the second great love and real love of Cleopatra's life, Mark Antony, the Roman politician in general, uh, the child creator and party boy, Mark Antony, 83 BCE to 30 BCE was an ally and trusted friend of Julius Caesar.

Then he became the main rival to Caesar's successor and Caesar's adopted son Octavian later emperor Augustus of the Roman Empire. He played an integral role in Rome's transition from Republic to Empire. He may have been, you know, or had he may had he been a little more militarily minded, maybe a little less focused on party in Egypt Maybe just maybe he and Cleopatra could have ruled Rome and Egypt together Number four technically Cleopatra was not the last feral of Egypt Since he outlived her by a few days her son told me the fifteenth told me a filipator

Philomit Philomit Philomator fuck these names Caesar Philomet, Philomet or fuck these names. Caesar, better known as Siserian, he died on August 23rd at the age of 17. He outlived his mother by just two weeks. In 34 BC, Anthony granted further east and lands and titles to Siserian, and to his own three children along with Cleopatra. Siserian was proclaimed to be a god, son of a god, king of kings. The grandiose title was unprecedented in the management of Roman client king relationships and you know could be seen as threatening to the greatness of the Roman people. Anthony also

declared Caesarean to be Caesar's true son and heir direct threat to Octavian whose claim to power was based on his status as Julius Caesar's grand nephunodopids son. And that proclamation also probably partly caused the fatal breach in Anthony's relations with Octavian who used Roman resentment over the land and all these titles. You know, he's given a Cleopatra and Cleopatra's kids as a way to gain support for his war against Anthony and Cleopatra. Real quick number five, short one, new info. The tomb of Cleopatra and Mark Anthony has never been found. Though the Egyptian antiquity service believes it to be in or near the temple of Toposiris, magna. No pronunciation existed for that that I could find Southwest of Alexandria.

Archaeologists continue to search for their tomb to this day, so go out there and find it. Go out there and find it and you'll be awarded with many talents. Top five takeaways. Cleopatra has been sucked. Probably butchered some of those pronunciations, but it wasn't due to lack of effort. A for efforts. If I didn't get A for execution, I really enjoyed that suck. Loving history more and more of the suckos forward. Hope you are too.

I am looking forward though to this next week when the words are easy. Less focus on words. More on story, which is kind of weird to say. Anyway, thank you to the TimeSuck team. As always, Queen of the Suck Lindsey Cummins, doing more and more work on all things, suck all the time. High preaches of the Suck Harmony Velocamp, Jesse Garry, Nov Grammar, Dobner,

Reverend Dr. Joe Motherfucking Paisley. TimeSuck, High Priest, Alex Dugan, the guys at Biddelix, her Danger Brain, Danger Brain doing some sick new logo design for the the Upcoming podcast will be launched in some time later this year and logo design for a new network logo. They're all gonna fall under I'm very excited about what I've seen Thanks to space users and merch wizards access to peril Also designing awesome shit for the store time suck baby onesie looks so cool

Never thought that would happen when I started all this. Thanks to Knowledge Ninja Heather Rylander for kicking off the Cleopatra suck. Great job, love it. Have you given the Curious Private Facebook group a try yet? No, within Get the Fuck in there. There are now over 6,000 time suckers

in the private cult to Curious Group on Facebook. Very, very interactive, very engaged. More have liked our Time Suck Facebook page, or the Time Suck Instagram profile. You want even more interaction, Time Suck's Discord channel, getting wild, lots of awesome subchannels. Over 1,000 Discord members now linked to the Discord

chatroom, messaging app right in the Time Suck app, linked to the private Facebook group and to the Discord channel in today's episode description. Whew! Are you guys ready for another serial killer? I am. Is that is that where to say? I am ready for a proper serial killer suck. It is common for your ass this next Monday, Ed Kemper, the co-ed killer, born on December 18th, 1948 in Burbank, California.

Edmund Kemper at age 15 killed both his grandparents, killed his grandparents, killed his grandma to quote quote see what it felt like Uh, yeah, not because they were molestinum. Not because they were terrible terrible people. They weren't just oft grandma and papi Because he was just curious how it feel and apparently he liked it. Few years later after ridiculously short period of incarceration We're he's able to Manipulate some psychiatrist at a state mental hospital to get released real soon He started thinking that fucking with hitchhikers would be fun And then he thought you know be more fun than just kind of you know picking up hitchhikers all the time killing them

And then I remember how much fun killing his family was so much Family killing in the suck right now he kills a more family. It's are you curious about ed camper? I hope so I am it's Doing doing the initial research already. I can't remember the last suck. Maybe the toy box killer. It was the last time I had so many like, what the fuck? Like out loud. Just sitting in my desk. Are you kidding me?

So suck that with me on Monday, time now for today's timeucker updates. All right, great B DB. Great, great B. Great B DB. Great B DB Cooper B. Great DB Cooper update to start off the time-sucker updates today. Love new info. This comes in from time-sucker Dustin Crawford. Dustin writes, Hey, master sucker, you beautiful bastard. I've got an update for the DB Cooper suck. And I think you'll master sucker, you beautiful bastard. I've got an update for the DB Cooper suck. And I think you'll find this to be pretty interesting. I was watching the show about the skyjacking a couple years back. And they brought up something pretty weird.

Some people think that he may have been a French or French Canadian heritage, or that he was a soldier who spent some time in Europe. Why? Apparently, there was a precedent for a dude named Dan Cooper jumper out of airplanes. A Franco Belgian comic book called Dan Cooper was published in 1954. Yeah, it was called Dan Cooper ran until 2010. The cover issue of issue number seven, which came out back when it was published by a long bar between 1957 and 1979, shows a dude jumping out of a plane. A man named Dan Cooper is plastered across the top of the comic.

Yeah, that name Dan Cooper is on the top of the, apparently the FBI even followed up on this potential lead. It's pretty weird shit. Uh, could very well be a coincidence and it could be the human brain trying to make connections where there aren't any, but it's a pretty goddamn specific quincidence. I don't know what to make of it, but I'll include a link for you so you can look at the cover and draw your own conclusions. Love the episode and I look forward to next week the week after that, the week after that,

and so on until the sun burns out of the fucking sky, keep on sucking. You got among men. Thanks Dustin Crawford. Well, that's you're too nice. You're too nice Dustin. Hail, Memoron. Thank you very much. I checked out the links and that is a weird coincidence for sure.

Whoever did it had to have known about this comic book. It's crazy. Says Dan Cooper's name. Just plastered. Big, big font right across the front of that issue. I've included the link in the episode notes, which are always available on the time stock app

or the time stock websites. Easy to download those notes. You can go to my notes for the show, go down to the updates, and click if you want to check out this website, or I mean this comic book. Thank you, Dustin. I hope you are well. Next one is a little update about the cult

of the Curious taking care of one of its own. Dan the Suckmaster, Joardee Paisley, The Queen, Penny Poop, or Ginger Bell, Kyler and Monroe, what has been built in the cult of the Curious is something truly special. I knew it was something like I had never been a part of, but I didn't know it's actual depth until I needed to call on them. This month my wife and I had trouble making ends meet for rent. I just started a new job and I'm building my caseload as a private practice pediatric speech therapist. I get paid per billable units so that means I only get paid when I'm actively treating

a kiddo. Well, the way the paychecks fall and my low caseload made this month's rent impossible to pay. My wife and I had no idea what to do. I don't have close enough friends to ask, needed a she. Both of our families wouldn't be able to help. So I turned to the cult. I posted a story and a go fund me to the Facebook group trying to raise $200 for rent as of Sunday night.

It's an 880, all from cult members. I am blown away, absolutely humbled. I talked about how embarrassing this was to ask for help like this. And the response I got was incredible. way, absolutely humbled. I talked about how embarrassing this was to ask for help like this. And the response I got was incredible. All comments of good wishes and to not and to not be embarrassed. If there was ever any doubt, what kind of family this is, this doubt should be shattered for anyone. The cold to curious and time suck. It's truly something special.

You created this Dan because you give a damn. You should be very proud. Thanks for all you do. Thanks to cold for what they are. He'll Nimrod Jason. PS I'm linking the go on me just in case this gets read and can be linked. I feel like a right cut for asking and posting. I just can't get over it. So again, in the episode notes on the app of the website, in the time circuit, you can find this go on me link. Last I checked, I think it was almost full. It might be full now, but you can check. That's awesome. I'm so happy for you, man. So happy you were able to kind of lean us and get that. And lean on the other listeners.

It's amazing what you guys do. You guys just make this community very special by helping each other out. It's crazy. I've also never been a part of something like that. It's really, really amazing. Okay. Focusing on the right things in life message coming in from Eric. I'll leave out his last name.

Just in case he doesn't want this somewhat sensitive information out there for everyone to know his business, he writes, Hey, Dan, I just want to send you a message to say thank you, my wife and I are both space lizards, and your words really hit home for us tonight. I just got some real shitty news from my mortgage company. I thought I set up automatic payments back in November, and apparently I fucked it up somewhere. Now I'm $4,800 behind. That sounds exactly like something I would do. I almost threw up on a red letter. It's all my fault. By far, my stupidity fucked that up.

I dreaded more than anything telling my wife how bad I fucked up. She's had real bad luck with work lately. Lost a job in the job market for what she does. Pretty much tanked at the same time. She had to take a part-time job making less money after a lot of tears. From me, she reminded me of the same thing your last few episodes have been about. We got so much to be thankful for. We have a healthy nine year old boy, our family and friends. We decided we don't know how, but everything is going to work out. We will figure something out. And as long as we focus on the great things in our lives, everything

else is just details. Thank you for those perfectly time, inspirational episodes. They are really helping me right now more More than I could ever tell you. Just thank you, man, from the bottom of my slightly crushed heart right now. Your words echoed through my spaces or wife. Your words echoed through my spaces or wives are really saving me from a dark place right now. I'm not super religious, but I do believe in God.

And man, you are in the right place doing the right thing. Keep fighting the good fight against willful influence. Yeah, like negative influence and keep making the world a better place. I'm guessing you meant willfully ignorant influence. Yes. You're humble and sometimes fucking stupid space or Eric. Really guys, thank you for being that escape. Everyone needs an effort for good.

Oh man. Are you well? Yeah, we all fuck up, man. We all fuck up. And yeah, usually if you put you down, you know, the grind's going to just focus on, you know, like we're gonna power ahead And we're gonna just figure it out. We're not gonna give up and usually it works out, you know I would say I would say almost always I don't have stats for that, but I feel that to be true and

I'm glad I'm glad that that helped you out gave you a little inspiration. We I need that I needed the to research that stuff to remind myself All right, we got a word choice update now research that stuff, you don't remind myself. All right, we got a word choice update now. This is word choice update is, is, oh man, this coming in from Dangit. I didn't write the name of this one, so sorry. Oh man, hopefully the name, word choice update says,

hey, suck, brought a BDM here and soon to be spaced. There's ones I can catch them on content. You're incredibly talented, can't wait to, to drunk say it to your face and on the BDM cruise. Anyway, wanted to know if anyone else noticed your use of disorientated instead of disoriented, same goes for oriented. Technically it's totally correct, it just always throws me off. The extra syllable sounds silly to me.

Kind of like saying conversating instead of conversing. Yep, apparently it's the British form of the word, which would answer why I haven't heard this much before. I was going to throw some jokes your way, but the boss that you walked in and I got to not get fired, hail the shibis Josh. Okay, Josh, at least another Josh, your BDM and space is your thanks, man. Excited for that Tom and Dan Cruz. I am excited for that. I get my passport renewed for it March 7th to the 11th at a Port Canaveral, Florida. I think it's almost sold out. More tickets at Tom and DanCruz.com. Yeah.

I hate that I say it the way I do as well. I really do have a little bit of some kind of like, I don't know. It's like a weird redneck dialect. I think I've said this before, it's the dialect of someone who probably read more than he talked at certain points in life. I do think it has a lot to do with where I grew up though, my family. I just learned to speak in a bit of a funky way, grown up, and it's been hard to shake out of my system.

So often, it's funny, like, someone will tell me the correct way to say a word, and it just doesn't feel right. Like, I don't like it, I'm like, eh, that sounds, I know it's proper, sound it, but I don't like it. Makes me feel pretentious, which I know is crazy, but it's how I feel.

No one should model their speech patterns after me. I'll leave you with one last DBQ. What the fuck am I saying? DBQ? I'll leave you with one last DBQ per update. This comes in from Sucker and A play it. Ah. Goodbye guys.

What if I didn't hit the button? Ah fuck it. I'm out. My mouse I work. No, this comes in if I can get the sense right. If not, I'm gonna stand up and I'm gonna punch my way out of this room. This comes from sucker and a plus meat sack, Michelle McKenry. Woohoo! She says, Hey, it's Michelle from New Jersey again. I just finished the DB Cooper Suck and I'm astonished, baffled even that you didn't even reference the 2004 classic

without a paddle. The entire movie, three friends, Matthew Lillard, Dax Shepherd and Seth Green are searching for DB Cooper's treasure DB is played by none other than the late great Bert Reynolds Beats movie doesn't go very far into the lore behind DB's mysterious getaway, but I do love me some Matthew Lillard I'm really not surprised you didn't mention the movie. I just finally had the urge to send in a message LOL any who's this is getting long so I'll stop he'll Nimrod praise both jangles rock sign This is getting long so I'll stop. He'll Nimrod, praise both jangles, rock sign. Thanks for show. Yes for the for you Cooper fans. Check out this movie. I have not seen it. I did see it pop up in articles as a movie that references DB Cooper. I didn't realize the actual plot of the film is about

Finding DB Cooper's treasure and and also talking about the actors there. Who doesn't like Dak Shepherd and Seth Green? Oh Dak Shepherd and Indiocracy? Seth Green with robot chicken? Mwah! Beautiful. Uh, thanks everyone. That is all of the updates for today. Thanks, time suckers.

I need a net. We all did. Alright time suckers, so try not to kill fuck or marry any family members this week. It's no longer legal or any kind of social norm anywhere. Focus instead on just continuing to keep on sucking. For the grand finale, another woman performed the devil's triangle with two camels. For the grand finale, another woman performed the devil's triangle with two camels.