Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 140 - The Legend of King Arthur, the Knights of the Round Table, and More

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

Do you enjoy knights, wizards, and dragons? How about medieval history? Folklore, maybe? Want to learn how England became England? We learned a lot about the beginning of the mythology that has led to our cultural fascination with knights, jousting, sword fighting, dragons, and everything medieval in this Suck. There would be no Game of Thrones without Arthurian legend. No Lord of the Rings as we know it. No Dungeons and Dragons. Also, the biggest Timesucker Updates ever with a lot of poignant personal accounts from those who have known those who fought in the Vietnam War. Hail Nimrod! Donating $2200 this month The LEO Support Foundation. The LEO Support Foundation is a 501(c)(3) non-profit that raises money to purchase protective & life saving equipment for police officers. Based in Plymouth, Massachusetts and run by Space Lizard and officer Michael Best. To donate, click here: https://www.paypal.me/saveleos Happy Murder Tour Standup dates: May 30th-June 1st Jacksonville, FL The Comedy Zone CLICK HERE for tix! June 7-8th Omaha, NE The Funny Bone CLICK HERE for tix! June 13-15th Raleigh, NC Charlie Goodnight's CLICK HERE for tix! Listen to the best of my standup on Spotify! (for free!) https://spoti.fi/2Dyy41d Timesuck is brought to you by the following sponsors: The Science Rules! podcast hosted by Bill Nye the science guy. Listen wherever you listen to podcasts! MVMT watches! Get 15% off with FREE SHIPPING & FREE RETURNS—by going to MVMT.com/TIMESUCK Leesa! Get 15% off your entire order at leesa.com/TIMESUCK and use promo code TIMESUCK at checkout! Watch the Suck on Youtube: https://youtu.be/LEYj4oA_mj0 Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG, @timesuckpodcast on Twitter, and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna become a Space Lizard? We're almost 5000 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits.

Who hasn't heard the following names? King Arthur, Camelot, Excalibur, the sword and the stone, the wizard Merlin, Lady Gwynnevere, Solancelot, and the Knights of the Roundtable. Actors from Richard Gear to Clive Owen to Charlie Hunham, played the various characters of the Arthurian world. Disney's had a field day with Arthurian themed rides and it's classic animated film The Sword and the Stone, J.R.R. Tolkien's Epic Trilogy Lord of the Rings, heavily influenced by our Thurian legend. Tolkien even wrote an unfinished poem, The Fall of Arthur, published after his death, basically almost every movie or comic book or graphic novel or animated series or television show

that deals with armored knights, jousting matches, English castles, powerful kings, medieval dragons and witches and wizards, etc. have been heavily influenced by the legends of King Arthur, including Game of Thrones. Ever been to medieval times? King Arthur, fan of money Python, tons of sketches based on our theory and legend. Even the name of round table pizza comes from King Arthur's tales. I used to date him about being a badass medieval knight as a kid. So much imaginary fun, saving the damsel and distress, riding a powerful steed, holding

a more powerful magical sword. Maybe I was the one destined to pull it from the stone. I love medieval themed film, TV and literature to this day. But what did I actually know about the basis of all of this before this week, approximately, nada? We're going to do some digging today and find an answer to the question, did any of these people actually exist? King Arthur real? The historical accuracy of all these characters has been debated for centuries. If they didn't exist, who made them up? And why? We're going to go on a journey that will take us to the origin of

Jollyland England and lead us through centuries of powerful myth-building. We'll travel through tales of sorcery, magic stones, dragon, sex triangles, badass nights, and much more. On this fine Monday, it feels like we here in the cult of the curious could use a little break from the extreme depravity of the KGB gulags, the death destruction and cultural polarization of Vietnam and the horrors of Madame Delphine and slavery in 19th century New Orleans. Time to lighten shit up. Beyond a British origin tale and the makings of King Arthur and his cast of heroes, monsters and villains will also take the opportunity to take a closer look at the mythology of dragons and additional info. Wizards, knights and dragons. Oh my, so much wonderful curiosity to explore today on TimeSuck. Happy Monday Meet Sack Nation. Welcome to the Cult of the Curious. I'm Dan

Cummins, who sucks the hardest. Nimrod's Tavern winch, fourth leg of Bojangles, minion of Lucifina, and harbinger of dark history and darker jokes. And you are listening to Time Suck. Stick around for the Time Sucker updates this week. Got a ton of incredible Vietnam stories to share. Thank you to everyone who sent those in. We couldn't fit, we got so many.

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lock down that venue, pumped to record a new special video and audio. Now, time to get medieval on your assets. I love this little break from the recent heaviness and darkness. And it only is going to be a little break. So I hope you enjoy it. Because next week, we're going to be talking about one dark motherfucker, Albert Fish, Jesus. So weird and so dark. Let's just say if he and Ed Kemper had lived during the same era and had been prison cellmates, I think Ed Kemper would be the one tapping out.

I think he'd be the one asking for a new cellmate because fish would have creeps even that psychopath out. Mother! Please tell the warden I can't take it, mother. I do not enjoy listening to this discussion, perfect mother. My zap was just threw up. But not today. None of that today.

Let's get to the legend of King Arthur. If King Arthur and his band of interesting characters did in fact exist, they supposedly exist in the fifth and sixth centuries. A lot of quickly written web articles say that's when the deeds of some battle-hardened legends were first recorded. However, when you do just a bit of digging, you learn that if someone did do the deeds of King Arthur, they weren't recorded when those deeds went down and they certainly weren't called Arthur. No one named Arthur was mentioned doing anything remotely cool in England before the 9th century. There may have been some dude named Arthur like, I don't

know, beating off in a wheat field, maybe making a fool of himself in an inn or could have been that Arthur, you know, and then we tell you another thing, it's a sick, sick Owin. Peter's a dirty liar. I always pay for my drinks. It's a misunderstanding. Never passed out once in this inn. They're alone two or three times a week. Like that's when she accuses.

I have my honor. Oh, damn. Where myself again, this is unfortunate. It's not about off my case. There could have been that Arthur. Could have been some putts like that, but not some bad ass. The Arthurian and Marlon are Marlon. Marlon, you know about Marlon the Wizard, right?

And Marlon legends, as we know them today, weren't really created, didn't really get going until the mid 12th century. So why did it take seven centuries for this tail to get moving along if Arthur was so legendary, probably because he is just that. That is what I strongly believe. A legend, a story told to inspire. And the story may have really gotten going in the mid 12th century because England desperately needed a noble leader force people to dream about at that time. England had devolves into anarchy literally in the mid 12th century. In 18 year long fight for the throne in the student, King Henry I died in 1135 CE, left no clear successor to the crown for nearly two decades.

For nearly two decades, lawlessness ruled the land during a period that would become known as the anarchy. A lot of blood was being shed in the name of misguided attempts to take the English throne by a variety of claimants. For years, villagers didn't even know who ruled them from one day to the next. No one was protecting them, lawlessness abounded. I'm guessing the story of a noble king who protected his people and unified a nation was very reassuring and comforting.

In the 12th century, England was trying to form a new national identity. The land of present day England had been home to numerous different kingdoms for centuries. It would take some cultural unity to take Britain from being in the midst of anarchy to become into colonial world power. We'll examine some of those early English kingdoms and come to an understanding of the origins of modern England in today's times of timeline. But first, let's look at the literary basis for the Arthurian legends. The tale of King Arthur begins with the brief 9th century mention of a legendary British fighter, like the best fighter ever. Like fuck everyone in Game of Thrones.

This dude would have made short work of the mountain, dude would have chopped down the mountain and Jamie Lannister in his prime, with one hand, while calmly just munched down an apple with the other. The history of the Britons is the modern English name of a book generally attributed to a Welsh monk named Neneus, sought to have been written around 830 CE. And in this book Arthur makes his first cameo that we know of what has come down to us throughout the years, what we have access to. This is the first time he seems to show up.

Chapter 56 of this big, mostly boring his hell book, discusses 12 battles fought in one by a dude named Arthur, called a war leader in the 19th century. Excuse me, not a king. When he's first mentioned, not a king, a war leader. The king would come later. Nenius only provides specific details about two of these 12 battles. The first is the eighth battle, he says, the eighth battle was as euphorterous of Gineon, in which author carried the image of Holy Mary, ever virgin, on his shoulders, and the pagans were put to flight on that day. And through the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, and through the power of the blessed virgin Mary, his mother, there was great slaughter among them. Interesting. Carried some image around of a mother Mary

on a shoulders and battle. I don't picture mother Mary loving bloodshed, but okay. Too many couldn't have carried around an image of Nimrod. Now that's Nimrod's ready for battle. Nimrod's scary looking Chubacabra, but it'd been great for battles. It's good to shit out of some pagans. And then Neneous writes one hell of a gunboat tail regarding the deeds of Arthur

during the 12th battle. It's a little bit over the top. Says, the 12th battle was on Mount Baton in which there fell in one day, 960 men from one charge by Arthur, and no one struck them down except Arthur himself. And in all the wars he emerged as Victor. Really?

960 dudes. One battle by himself and the days before explosives and guns and tanks and other advanced weaponry. Get the fuck out of here. Dude was apparently the original Chuck Norris. He was like Chuck Norris, wrapped in Steven Seagull, wrapped in Jason Statham, wrapped in Chris Hemsworth, wrapped in Wesley Snipes, Blade Era, wrapped inon Steven Seagal, Rafton Jason Statham, Rafton Chris Hemsworth, Rafton Wesley Snipes, Blade Era, Rafton Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando Era, Rafton every other over the top action movie star in the history of cinema, Rambo with fucking sword. Or maybe he was missing details, maybe he was the only guy to have armor in that battle. Maybe he was fighting nothing but small children.

Maybe there was that, maybe in addition to the armor, he had a sword and a horse, and the kids didn't have armor, and Only had goats to ride around on and just held small sticks to fight with. Or maybe for some reason none of the enemy soldiers had arms. Maybe he was fighting a weird tribe of completely armless people. Or maybe he had one really strong lance and a good horse and really strong lance and a good horse and the enemies made the mistake of attacking him in a single file formation for some reason and he just just mow them all down and like one super long charge. I just feel like we're missing crucial details, understand how this one guy in the day of hand-to-hand combat could wipe out almost a thousand dudes in one battle. Anyway, Neneas Chronicles, a lot of the same history in the history of the Britons.

That was already covered a century earlier by St. Bede, an English monk historian and scholar who lived in the kingdom of North, North, ah, North Thumbria. St. Bede was a prolific writer and many of his works have survived to the present day and Bede's most well-known work is a history of the Christian church in England.

Considered to be one of the most important sources of Anglo-Saxon history in existence, it's believed to have been completed in 731 CE. This book earned St. B. the title of the Father of English History and B. wrote the same battle. He wrote about the same battle on Mount Baddon. Never mentions Arthur a single time. Never mentions anyone, Killing 960 dudes, which I feel like is an important part of that battle's description. He did write of a Celtic Britain leader named Ambrosius Arlenius winning the battle against the angles at Badden Hills in four ninety three C.E. It seems that many of us then for reasons unknown may have swapped Ambrosius Arlenius for Arthur. I guess I guess all the words do start with letter A some historians think that he ended up swapping this character for Arthur's father

A lot of different stories will be written about Arthur. We'll find that out soon Some mistakenly believe that a sixth century monk and Britain historian named Guildis wrote about the legendary King Arthur sometime around 540 CE The year after this legendary Arthur supposedly would die in battle So he would have known Arthur, right? They would have been contemporaries. However, this is not true. Gildus did not, in fact, ever mention Arthur. Gildus did write a historical account of the Britons before and after the arrival of the Saxons. But in his account titled on the ruin and conquest of Britain, he never mentions Arthur, although he also covers the battle of Mount Baddon. Most historians do think that battle took place, sometime around 516, 517, 518 CE, but Arthur didn't fight in it. Guildess also does not mention

some dude who supposedly killed 960 enemy soldiers in a single day of battle. But people did come to believe that Guildess wrote about Arthur because centuries later, a caradoc of Lan Carfen, a 12th century Welsh cleric, wrote a book called The Life of Guildus, sometime between 1130 and 1150. And this book is not considered by historians to be historically accurate. So centuries after Guildus wrote about his own life, this other character, this Caradoc,

wrote about Guildus life and then added the character of Arthur. He acted like Guilda's did encounter Arthur, but he seems to have just kind of pulled that out of his ass. He wrote stuff like, Saint Guilda's was the contemporary of Arthur, the king of the whole of Britain, whom he loved exceedingly, and whom he always desired to obey. Nevertheless, his 23 brothers constantly rose up against the aforementioned rebellious king refusing to own him as their lord, but they often routed and drove him from the forest and battlefield. Before I address this little bit of propaganda, 23 brothers?

That's a lot of brothers. I don't even have vagina, but my vagina hurts just thinking about that. Some poor woman really pregnant for three out of four seasons for 24 years. Since babies died a lot back then, if she had 24 boys who made it to adulthood, how many pregnant for three out of four seasons for 24 years. Since babies died a lot back then, if she had 24 boys who made it to adulthood, how many didn't make it to adulthood? What, two, three, four?

At least, what about girls? Highly unlikely to have 24 straight boys, no girls. I would say she at least had five girls. Six, seven, what about miscarriages? Seven, eight, nine? Basically, we're talking about 30, 35 years straight of pregnancy during the time when women died of pregnancy. Or was she cranking out twins and triplets

every year or two? That's gotta be it. Oh, good. Okay, I'm glad we figured this out. And you, uh, Caradoc wrote lots of other details about Arthur, like Will, the elder brother, an active warrior, and most distinguished soldier, submitted to no king, not to even author. He used to harass the latter and to provoke the greatest anger between them both. He would often swoop down from Scotland, set up conflagrations and carried off spoils with victory and renown. In consequence, the king of all Britain, on hearing that the

highest-bearded youth had done such things and was doing similar things, pursued the victorious and excellent youth, who as the inhabitants used to assert in hope, was destined to be king. In the hostile pursuit and council of war held on the island of Manau, he killed the young plunderer. After the murder of the victorious author returned rejoicing greatly, the he could overcome his bravest enemy. One brother down 23 to go or 22, I guess. Little more details about this mysterious and an all likelihood invented Arthur Feller. His legend grows a bit and then it grows a whole bunch with the writings of a contemporary of Karratok, this guy Jeffrey, we're gonna talk about here in a second. This Karratok guy though, I mean, it is interesting how he just added so many, he just acted like

this guy Gildus had totally seen this guy Arthur and that they, you know, were contemporaries when that was not written by Gildus in his own time. But the Arthur and Legend, it really gets going because of another 12th century cleric, a British cleric named Jeffrey of Monmouth. Jeffrey puts Arthur on the map when he writes the history of kings, history of the kings of Britain, sometime around 1136. He booked it was considered to be historically accurate until the 16th century. I want you to remember that as he talked about these tales going forward. This is a book considered to be historically accurate until the 16th century. Once you remember that, if you talk about these tales going forward,

this is a book considered to be historically accurate. It has the craziest shit written in it. And back then people were like, hey, all right, this ends the reason, but how many dragons with it? All right, this book, okay. Now consider to be a mix of actual events and a lot of folklore.

Jeffrey of Monmouth did so much to introduce the legend of King Arthur to the world. He is now considered the father of Arthurian legend. This book would have been written just before or perhaps a little after, Carodoc's book. I think it was written after for a reason I'll state in a minute. In the preface to this book, Jeffrey writes, often times in turning over in my own mind, the many themes it might be subject matter of a book, my thoughts would fall upon the plan of writing the history of the kings of Britain.

In my musings there upon me seemed a marvel that, beyond such mention as guilders and bead, have made of them an illuminous tractate, not could I find as concerning the kings that had dwelt in Britain before the incarnation of Christ, nor not even as concerning Arthur and the many others that did succeed him after the incarnation. Albeit that their deeds be worthy of praise, everlasting, and be his pleasantly rehearsed from memory by word of mouth in the traditions of many people, so they will written down. Very clever what he does here, if what he was doing was intentionally writing some Arthurian

propaganda. Jeffrey is claiming to write a historically accurate depiction of the Kings of Britain. And then mention that he's bummed out that a king is great as King Arthur, a man who clearly accomplished Deeds' worthy of praise, wasn't written about in a lot of detail by the historians Guildis and Beat.

Yeah, he wasn't mentioned at all by those motherfuckers. And I think he wrote this book after a Caradoc's book because he references Gildus mentioning Arthur, which never happened. What did happen was at Keredock reference Gildus referencing Arthur. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's a source book lost to history that connects all this stuff. Some book that Jeffrey and Keredock leaned on, some book associating Gildus with Arthur

or maybe just Keredock invented that association. That's what I think. Anyways, so now we have Jeffrey Acton's that Arthur's been written about for centuries. Yeah, it's common knowledge. Not true unless a whole lot of other books that were written about King Arthur have been lost. I personally do think he's making this shit up,

just based on a campfire tale is because Gildus's original account of this battle, the Battle of Badden, it did in fact survive. Jeffrey knew about this book, and in that book, we know that Gildus didn't mention Arthur, and if anyone should have mentioned him, it should have been Gildus. To me, that is enough to prove that, like, no, this guy didn't actually exist in his own time.

Now that Jeffrey's given Arthur far more historical legitimacy than he deserves in the 12th century, he proceeds to write a bunch of historical accounts about the guy that will become the basis for a lot of Arthurian legends. Bunch of short stories about Arthur, Merlin, all sorts of people who probably never existed doing this or that. And when he lacks in his historical accuracy, he makes up for in great imagination. Jeffrey with his inspired writing turns Arthur from an interesting badass, briefly mentioned by a few other authors, into an inspiring, legendary, mythical figure that we still talk about to this

day. With Jeffrey Arthur has given a armor and a helmet made of gold, a dorn with a sign of the Virgin Mary, his weapons become the powerful lands known as Ron, the mighty sword, Caliburne. Caliburne sounds pretty mighty. I like that word. Incompuses the word burn, pretty bad ass. Makes me think of some sort of fiery weapon used to kill white walkers and game of thrones, but Ron like RO in like fucking like wrong like your friend wrong. This is my powerful lance. Ron. Ah, that shit doesn't hold up.

Maybe that name sounded more powerful back then. I don't feel like Ron translates to the present very well as the awe inspiring moniker or some powerful death weapon. Stand back. Do not make me attack you with Ron. If Ron does not frighten you, maybe I should grab my mace, Gary. Or perhaps I shall pick up my double axe. Do not make me take my double axe into battle, Nathaniel. What? Do you say he's going to attack us with an axe called Nathaniel? Jeffrey also changes the name of the Battle of Badden Hill to the Battle of the Bath, and he gives Arthur a specific personal enemy to fight in this battle. Awesome, nice storybuilding here he's doing. The Saxon leader, Childrick, named Change and Later Tales to Surtik.

The Saxons and Jeffrey's story have taken an oath to Arthur's tributaries, and just as quickly have broken it. The Great Battle is transformed from a defensive stand spoken of by Gildes, Beade, and Nenius into an offensive campaign for the very welfare of Arthur's country and his personal honor for the glory of England. Although Arthur loses a significant of men in the battle of the bath, he wins the day personally killing 470 sacks and swine. And he drives children from the field

470 what a strange number to switch to Well, the Jeffrey felt that 960 that's just too much man That's an unbelievable number of dudes for one guy to kill in a day's battle So he went with the more reasonable sum of 470 dudes no big whoops Just lands in the fuck out of a couple hundred dudes with Ron Arthur builds from this victory and Jeffrey's tail and goes on to conquer Europe and subdue Rome Just lands in the fuck out of a couple hundred dudes with Ron. Arthur builds from this victory in Jeffrey's tale and goes on to conquer Europe and subdue Rome. Arthur's making power moves.

The history of the rest of Europe's kingdoms and the history of the Roman Empire pretty well documented. They do not exactly back up these claims. So he's kind of alone saying that he went and just kicked everybody's ass in Europe and Rome. Although he is the greatest kingdom of his time, Jeffrey's Arthur still remains humble and gracious to his friends. It's attentive to the needs of his subjects. This will remain characteristic of Arthur throughout the development of his legend.

His chivalrous nature will inspire the chivalry that will become associated with medieval knights. And what a great tale for English peasants living through the Anarchy in 12th century England to look to. Jeffrey is the first author to introduce other characters who will go on to become integral to the later legends of Arthur Arthur's wife, Gwennavier. Again, the wizard Merlin, Sir Kay, Sir Bedavier, Sir Gowen, Arthur's father, Uther, Pendragon, Mordred, the nephew and treacherous killer of Arthur.

Jeffrey's work, Big Hit, New York Times best seller, you know, equivalent. Very, I have to add that equivalent because one person would like, actually the New York Times did not exist in 12th century English. I just wanted to let you know. Just so you're clear, there was no New York Times. Very popular reading this day, spread around, translated in subsequent decades into English and French from Latin by a number of authors and poets such as Robert Was in 1160. and English and French from Latin by a number of authors and poets such as Robert Was in 1160. Crétienne de Traux in 1170 and Robert de Boran in the late 12th century.

These authors and many others added more details to Arthur's tale, changing the name of his sword to ex-caliber, which I gotta say is better than Calaburn and fucking light years ahead of Ron. Arthur's quest for the Holy Grail is added, Sir Lancelot suddenly shows up, Arthur is a boy, suddenly pulls the Sordex caliber out of the stone in a future tale. The mythical land and castle of Kamalot appears. There's additional magical swords, you know,

the legend evolves. Additional writers would continue to add additional details for centuries. Lord Tennyson further popularized the legend through his works began in an 1832 with the publication of his poem, The Lady of Shalott, continuing with others along the same theme, including the 1859 publication of idols of the King. Tennyson had long been fascinated by the Arthurian legend, and he revised Arthur to reflect

the values of Victorian England. Tennyson's work inspired other Victorian writers and poets to take up a subject matter. Arthurian literature was reborn again in the modern age. Lots of authors did this throughout the centuries. They would bend the tales of King Arthur to reflect the values idealized in their own time. Why was this all done again in short because people want a hero to believe in? Historically, they want someone from their own land, one of their own tribe to rise up

and give them someone to be inspired by, someone to show them what it looks like to live a noble and virtuous life. I'm lucky that way. I'm lucky that I have my grandpa ward for that. My grandpa ward is my life model in many ways. My cue document, my blueprint, my source material. Not everyone is so lucky. Historically, people want to believe

that some mythical hero can fight to defend them against any foe. They can feel protected and safe under their leadership. They want someone as noble and fair as they are powerful, someone who will both defend against enemies and also not turn on their own people. Hard to find a leader like that in the ancient world. Hard now.

We still want that today. I feel like people in general, people from various political parties, Democrats, Republicans, and more, pretty sad about the current state of affairs in America. And that is not a shot against the Republicans or even Trump specifically. A lot of people I talk to are just disappointed with the whole machine in general. How nice it would be to have some God-like king Arthur to lead and take care of us. No more backbiting, posturing congress members, no more white house mud slinging and passing the buck, no more, you know, senators seeming to try to just appeal to their base as opposed

to doing what's right. Just some noble, just mighty motherfucker, making shit great for us all. What a legend. That's a legend that can help unify a nation. No more polarized us versus them, culture of liberals versus conservatives and more, everyone can get behind Arthur, you know,

or some female equivalent. And in the 12th century, with the anarchy, England needed this unification. Think about the way this is weird analogy, but think about the way Tom Brady has unified the New England Patriots fan base. I know it's a silly example, but 90% of Patriots fans would not give a single fuck about that franchise if you took Tom Brady away from its existence over the past two decades. His consistent sustained excellence on field, outside of a few football cheating snafuze, a bit of a scandalous romantic beginning with his wife,

he's come across as a pretty noble dude. Dude even kinda looks like a knight, what you think of when you think of a knight. Patriot's fans will bask in his gridiron glory for decades after his retirement. Their fan base has been energized and united. Now imagine if you believed to someone more handsome in Tomb Rae,

someone who dominated battlefields, like Tom's dominated Super Bulls, someone without any skeleton in his closet to be dug up even in the social media age. Imagine that this dude has established your nation, defended it against all enemies, kicked everyone's ass, was the most likeable, just kindest motherfucker in history. That's King Arthur. He was George Washington if George had beaten the British basically single handedly said absolutely not to slavery Made sure women could vote in own land immediately and then just carried a magical sword to top it all off

It's King Arthur. Wasn't a real dude We know that now, but back in the 12th century the British thought he was a real dude and this belief helped propel England Give them so much pride it helped move them into becoming a world colonial power. We'll explain on that here in a little bit too. Let's let's look into the rise of England now in today's time. Like timeline before bouncing out looking deeper into more aspects of King Arthur's legend and the legends of those around him right after a word from today's next sponsor. Today's time. So it is brought to you by movement watches. I'm where I'm at now, where I'm at now.

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That's MBMT dot com slash time suck. Join the movement. Link in the episode description. Movement sponsor button on the time suck, join the movement, link in the episode description, movement sponsored button on the time suck app website. Now on to England's origin story in today's time suck timeline. Shrap on those boots soldier, we're marching down a time suck timeline. Let's start way back, like 800,000 years way back. Archaeologists have found evidence of some type of early humans living in England as far

as 800,000 years ago. If these early humans established any semblance of a civilization, we don't know about it. Probably not much going on back then other than clubbing, grunting, trying not to freeze death. Because the ice age especially highly unlikely. There was any kind of civilization back then The place to see an epic or last ice age lasted from roughly 2.6 million years ago until about 11,700 years ago and England isn't believed to have been continuously inhabited until after it ended

Early tribes started using javelins and bows and arrows and living in little groups in England about 10,000 years ago tribes likely Germanic and origin. The weather steadily got a little nicer and by 3,800 BCE, civilizations began to arise and lands were the mythical king Arthur. Based on the discovery of timber trackways, aka ancient roads in England. Between 3,100 and 2,800 BCE, the great curses of Stonehenge, that big ditch and banks around in those mystical rocks, about 300 yards from the stones of Stonehenge was constructed. Around 2,700 BCE, Stonehenge itself was constructed. So clearly, there were people in England with a civilization advance and organized and I have to build a giant monument that still stands today at least 5,000 years ago, likely

built by the British Celtics, Dru. It also Germanic and origin or possibly as many people in the internet seem to believe built by aliens. Maybe nefarious reptilian illuminati members built it like David Ike seems to believe. Let's not go down that wormhole. When the Bronze Age hit in 2500 BC, tribal warlords used new weapons that allowed for more sophisticated warfare, which began to lead to bigger kingdoms. The Atlantic Bronze Age from 1300 to 700 BCE saw the rise of trade routes between tribes and minor kingdoms and lands of present-day Portugal, France, England, Ireland, and more Germanic tribes also spread out across Europe and into the British Isles.

Many of these tribes, which arose out of early hunter-gatherer communities, have been lumped together in what has been called the Halstad culture. Halstad? Halstad. And not Halstad. Halstad is German for the place of salt. Hall meant salt to early keltz. The Halstad tribes learned to mine salts and other precious metals and accumulate riches

for the rulers. Halstad burial sites from the 12th century BCE to the 8th century BCE show a lot of commonalities between people all across northern central and even Eastern Europe, the Iberian Peninsula, modern day England. Early kelt to arose out of the Hallstatt culture are thought to have begun to colonize and inhabit the British Isles around 500 BCE. Kelted culture started to evolve as early as 1200 BCE in mainland Europe, even though there is obviously some discrepancies here because some people think that some form of Celtic culture built Stonehenge. That's just, I guess I should clarify, that is some speculation.

No definitive proof there. And for modern British Isles and Habitans, the Celts formed the basis of modern UK culture. Their legacy remains most prominent in Ireland and Great Britain, where traces of their language and culture still prominent today. Then along came the Romans in 55 BCE BCE led by none other than Julius Caesar when he first arrived on August 26th of that year. Caesar would then leave, then return again in 54 BCE, then leave again. And then in 43 BCE, the Romans come back to Britain to stay under Emperor Claudius. They conquered numerous Celtic kingdoms, including the Catuvan Lani, and the Icni kingdoms. By ADCE, the Romans have an amphitheater and governors palace in London.

They're building roads, strongholds, walls, towns around England, and almost 8,000 miles worth of roads by 100 CE. Some historians also believed the first ancestors of English future Anglo-Saxons come into England at this time. Mercenary, Batavia and troops based in modern-day Germany brought over by the Romans. More and more Germanic people would migrate to the islands over the following several centuries. Basically all of the various cultures that arose in the first few centuries were derivative somehow of early Germanic people from Northern and Western Europe.

And most of those people, if you go back a few more thousand years, are believed to have come from Asia in the Middle East. And if you go back thousands of years earlier, most thought to have migrated out of Africa. Pretty funny, really, the history of human civilization has been a constant battle of us versus them. You know, those enemies aren't us. And we want what they have. So we need to kill them. They think different than me. But the truth is we're all the same meat sack. We've just been split up for a while. And one 22 CE Roman Emperor Hadrian orders the construction of the famous Hadrian's wall to northern England to try and keep the pesky

warriors in Scotland warriors such as the picks. It killed a Confederacy of tribes from attacking the robins. It's completed by 130 CE. The Antenine wall is built further north a decade later by 410 CE after three centuries of constant clashing with various Celtic tribes and various Germanic tribes such as the Angles and the Saxons. The Romans needing to focus their military energy elsewhere in Europe as their empire begins to fall apart, leave England for good. These Angles and Saxons would then go on to form the beginnings of England's Anglo-Saxon England for good. These angles in Saxons would then go on to form the beginnings of England's Anglo-Saxon, cultural future. The name England can be traced to these early angles. Their name is thought to be derived from the name of the area these tribes originally inhabited.

The Anglia Peninsula, Anglia also the Latin name of England. The term Anglia is thought to be derived from the term for a fishing hook since the Angles were a tribe sustained by fishing. Think of angling being synonymous with fishing. England would come to mean land of the fishermen and English would come to mean the fisherman's language. So cool trivia, right? I love it.

Well done. Thanks for that. Three out of five stars. In the fifth century, wake of the Romans leaving England would begin to be divided up into seven separate primarily Anglo-Saxon kingdoms, whom local Celts would battle against Northumbria, Mercia, East Anglia, Essex, Kent, Sussex, and Wessex. The tales of King Arthur place him in this period of English history. And most legends pit him against the Anglo-Saxons, fighting on behalf of the Celtic Britons.

More on the Britons just a moment. King Arthur said you have lived roughly from four 60 CE to around five 39 or five 40 CE. I have various little bit from tale to tale. He was said to be born, this really cracks me up. He was said to be born at Tin Tegel Castle, which is hilarious to me because that castle was not even fucking built until the 13th century. It was built in 1233 CE by Earl Richard, first Earl of Cornwall, who wanted to establish a personal connection with Arthurian legends written by Jeffrey of Monmouth, right? Almost a hundred years earlier, wanted to connect himself to Arthur in a quest for power like so many kings would do over several centuries.

Earl Richard even had the castle built in the style of earlier castle construction, so it would appear ancient and legit. The ruins are still there today if you want to see the site where King Arthur for sure never had a castle. Since no 5th century castle ruins have ever been found there. It was also zero historical record of a castle ever existing there prior to the 13th century. He said to me that this place is now in our 30th and tourist destination. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there.

He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there.

He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there.

He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. This battle between Anglo-Saxon aggressors and Celtic Britain defenders, King Arthur, as I mentioned, supposed to have fought on behalf of the Britons. The name Britain to drive from the Latin word batonny, a term invented following the Romans' initial conquest of the island. In English, the term is Britain and British, for many centuries, denoted only the Celtic Britons and their descendants, most particularly the Welsh, Cornish, and Britons, who were seen as heirs to the ancient British

people. That's how it's used to describe Arthur here. So he would have been Celtic. One of the descendants of one group of people who bounced over from mainland Europe's Germanic tribes, centuries earlier, now fighting a new group of Germanic tribes. Celtic tribes, such as the Bretons were united by common speech, customs, and religion. Each tribe was headed by a king, was divided by class into druids, the priests, war your nobles and commoners. They'd been in England for centuries by the 6th century. Then the Angles come along from the present-day Denmark, and the Saxons come along from

present-day Germany and form their own kingdoms with their own language, Old English, bring their own customs and religion, which essentially was the same pagan religion that Norse mythology would evolve out of before they adopted Christianity. The terms British and Britain eventually came to be applied to all inhabitants of the Kingdom of Great Britain, including the English, Scottish, and some Northern Irish after Treaty in 1706, unify the Kingdom of Scotland with the Kingdom of England, Celtic and Anglos Saxon cultures now united for the most part into one culture. So anyway, so in this early battle, yeah, all these words, you know, change meaning over

the years. Anyway, in this early battle, as we learn King Arthur supposedly fell 960 men. Another battle in the Arthurian timeline is the Battle of Camlin. Said to be sometime around 537 CE, maybe 539. This was King Arthur's final battle would be his final fictional day. Now we move ahead a few hundred years to 830 CE, and that's where the first story is about Arthur begin to be told when Welsh historian Neneus mentions Arthur as king and hero of the Battle of Baden Hill. Between 1095 and 1143 CE, historian William of Malmysbury, a man I did not mention earlier, also mentions Arthur as a war chief of the Celtic Britons

in a book called Deeds of the English Kings in 1120. He mainly just quotes Nenius's ninth century depiction. In the 12th century the French poet Cretan de Tois introduces the legends of the Grail quest, the character of Lancelot, several other elements of Arthurian legends we said earlier, and of course as we said Jeffrey of Monmouth and many others greatly added King Arthur's legend in the 12th century. Various other English, German and French authors, especially a lot of French authors, would add more to King Arthur's legend over the subsequent centuries.

In 1154 CE the Anarchy ends when King Henry II takes the throne and attaches himself to the Arthurian legend. Some historians say he searched for King Arthur's tomb, others say he claimed to have discovered King Arthur's tomb, and then also recovered Excalibur. So he must be the one true King. By 1160, things of stabilizing are improving again in England. The nation is unified under his rule. He actually ruled part of present-day France, too, but let's not complicate this so even further with the cultural and royal blood connection between England

and parts of France. King Henry's son and subsequent English ruler, Richard I, aka Richard the Lionheart, would also associate himself with King Arthur. Some say he searched for King Arthur's tomb, as his father had done. Others say his father gave him ex-caliber. Either way, the continued association with King Arthur cements the mythology into English culture forever and generations of kings will do the same. Claim you are descended from Arthur and immediately you give your rule and noble and magical air. In 1469, C.E. Sir Thomas Mallory and English Knight during the War of the Roses composes the whole book of King Arthur and his noble

knights of the round table in 1469 again, while imprisoned and has published after his death in 1485 under the wrong name, initially actually Lemort, De Arthur, which was actually the title of the last chapter and French for the death of Arthur. This book became the definitive 15th century version of Arthurian legend. It's passed around a whole bunch, then of course many other authors add further to the legend. Authors like Lord Tennyson, basically Arthurian tales have become their own genre. Think of it like Dracula. Who is Dracula? It's a vampire.

But what is Dracula's exact story? He doesn't have an exact story. He has qualities. He has some identifying characteristics, but many of the specifics are very malleable. Tons of authors have written about him as we talked about in that Vlad and Peler suck a long time ago. Long before Bram Stoker wrote about Dracula in 1897, Germanic monks were writing about a Dracula-like vampiric character who had evolved out of propaganda written about Vlad

the Impaler by people scared of Vlad the Impaler. Centuries before Bram Stoker, Romanian folklore had tales of this Trague, troubled vampiric spirits that became part of Dracula's modern mythology. It's like that with King Arthur too, and his band of Kamalot Wizards and Warriors. The story of Arthur is legend stacked upon legend. Folklore presented his fact by one English king after another, bending the tails to strengthen their claims to the throne. If they were descended from Arthur, they were descended from a man who is more God than king. They were the rightful heir to his caliber and therefore the rightful

heir to all of England. Okay. So I think we have the basics of how the legend started down pretty well now. Why they started? Why are they important to English identity? Why are we conquering and colonizing the world? Why? Because we are the most noble motherfuckers to have ever lived. We are descended from King Arthur, the first truly noble king in the world in his blue blood runs through our veins. Okay, so let's get out of this timeline, have some fun with more details of our Thorian

folklore, right after a word from today's final sponsor. Today's time's look is brought to you by Lisa. Love Lisa, love Lisa! Had Lisa mattress for almost two years now, and that mattress holds up. The brand is as awesome as ever, so lucky to have kick-ass sponsors. Lisa believes that a bed is more than just a place

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trading like a wrestling ring, their battles are intense. Two years, I put it to the test, doing, you know, some other stuff, but I'm putting my wife to the test. Anyway, hey, Lucifina, but in putting my wife to the test. And so anyway, hey, who's the fina? Hey, so get your Lisa mattress today. Get 15% off your entire order at Lisa.com slash time suck. Use the promo code time suck. That's L E E S A dot com slash time suck promo code time suck, link in the

episode description, button in the sponsor section of the time suck app. Now let's get to the details I was speaking of after balancing out of today's Time Suck timeline. Good job, soldier. You made it back. Barely. All right, meat sacks, I'd like to introduce my buddy Merlin to you. He's a wizard. Don't piss him off if that is a demon. Yep. Most of the Arthurian stories have Merlin being born out of the union of a princess and

a demon. An incubus to be exact. A demon with a human pain of some kind. A compatible with a human vagina at the very least. Some kind of spermage substance. They can impregnate human women, or maybe they just come magic. They don't get into a lot of those specifics. And our resident in-house demon eradicator, Woody, oh man, Woody wishes the world was just

plum full of incubuses. Oh boy, how do you wish there's a whole heap of incubuses? Maybe if there's a whole lot more incubatorses I wouldn't be sitting on a warehouse full of Woody's paranormal rape propellant losing my skinny wood knife. How am I supposed to make a man of a paranormal poop, shoot protectors? If there's not enough demons out there which are rotten naughty bits to create a demand for my supply. That's just basic economics.

Huh, well, I gotta run now. Hey, I gotta go check out Mr. Charles's government. I haven't worked a little side hustle for myself and knock off Rolexes downtown. Well, I've finished up my rehab. Weeeeee. Ah, best luck with it, be careful out there. Worried about that strange little fella?

I've come to care about him more than I expected I would. Anyway, the Merlin story first came about in the 12th century CE. Via Jeffrey of Monmouth history of the kings of Britain, the Merlin figure was based on two older mythological characters that merged into a Merlin that we recognize today. The name Merlin comes from the Welsh Merlin, the name of the bard who was one of the chief sources for the later legendary figure.

Jeffrey of Monmouth Latin for the later legendary figure Jeffrey of Monmouth Latinized the name to Merlinis in his works Medievalist historian Gaston Paris suggests that Jeffrey chose Merlinis rather than the more proper Latin translation of Merdinis because the Norman word for feces was murder and he wanted to avoid that Association, which is a good call Tough to root for a magician whose name sounds like shit Are you ready to be amazed? that association, which is a good call. Tough to root for a magician whose name sounds like shit. Are you ready to be amazed?

Welcome to the stage, the great and powerful illusionist, master turticus. What did he just say? Later translations of Merlin's will be short into Merlin. According to Jeffrey of Monolith's imagination, Merlin's semi-divine demon birth gave him magical powers as you would expect. His most famous power is his ability to see it in the future.

Many of the Arthurian tales would play on his psychic powers, but psychic powers were not his only supernatural gifts. In one story about the birth of Arthur, Merlin paves the way for the birth of Arthur through some dirty, wizard trickery. Check out this nonsense. Arthur's father, Uythra Pandragon, a king falls in love with a grain, or a grain, the wife of Duke, Goroys of Cornwall, or whole of Tintaggle, Castle, depending on who is telling the tale.

And Uther, these fucking names are so dumb, by the way. I'm sure they're good at the time. Some names do not hold up. I apologize if we have a lot of Uther Pendragon's out there and a lot of Egransraggins out there and a lot of egrans and gorlois fuck wow my he imagined naming a kid like that today. These are my these are my children we have uther and egrane and tin tackle. What fuck you just stupid kids out of my house. Uther asked Merlin to help him figure out a way to impregnate the grain.

No, he can't just barge into the castle and take her by force, which he obviously has thought about because the story includes him discussing that there's only one entrance to Duke Gorilloy's castle and that Duke's men were too strong for him to easily sack his fortress. So Pender egg in turns to Merlin and Merlin's shape shifts, transforms Oother, also written as... Olmud, that's even Dumber. So, Pindragon turns to Merlin, and Merlin shapes chefs, transforms Uther, also written as, Olmud, that's even dumber. I don't like the name of Uther,

let's change it, sexier up a little bit. Ooh, how about Olmud? Do you like Olmud? Do you want to be called Olmud? Yeah, yeah, I do like that. Yeah, written as a, in the Grains husband. So essentially, Uther becomes his enemy.

Ha, walks, you know, walks right into the castle and basically rapes his enemy's wife and pregnant in her with his royal seat and then he walks fuck out. And this is why Arthur is referred to as a bastard in many stories, part of the reason, makes him more like a blanket. He's John Snow. He's John Snow. The more I learn about all this by the way, the more obvious it is how the game of thrown saga also heavily influenced by Arthurian legend.

Interesting how Arthur's dad being pretty rapy wasn't real problematic for people back is how the game of thrown saga also heavily influenced by Arthurian legend. Interesting how Arthur's dad being pretty rapy wasn't real problematic for people back in the day when they were hearing these stories. Lot of old myths, if you really look at them, a lot of pretty rapy old myths out there. No wonder sexual assault still a prevalent crime today. We gave it a pass on some level for centuries. Merlin was introduced into the service of King Pandragon, well before the birth of Arthur, in another epic tale, this one involving dragons.

This story is actually Jeffrey Emanumus attempt at the origin of Britain's story. The people of Merlin's time were a bit bit backwoodsy. They had a pretty strong pagan streak in them that included a fair amount of human sacrifice. In one story, they were actually searching for a bastard child to kill and place under the foundation of a tower. The king was building to keep it from falling down. Because you know, that's the best way to strengthen your foundation. Just put some kid bones in there. And sadly, a lot of this shit is based on truth, which reminds me of

the Aztec suck. A bunch of meat sacks at one time thought it was totally reasonable to kill an innocent child and bury their body in the foundation of a castle tower. The gods demanded the more I come across ancient religions, the better I feel about the historical Christian atrocities committed by the way. A lot of people died in the name of Christianity. However, many pre-Christian religions arguably much more brutal and much more violent. In one version of this story,

it's the bastard child's blood that is needed to be mixed into the mortar to keep the tower from crumbling. Can you imagine a contractor showing up to do some wet work at your home and you find them just mixing kid blood into the poor? What the fuck, what are you doing? Why, what do you want your driveway to crumble or not? Two parts mortar mix, one part kid blood. Come on, everybody knows that.

The teacher's out of union. Pawn here and about the child sacrifice, Merlin is able to talk the king out of it, but not for some noble reason. He just didn't think kid bones would help the foundation. He thought they had a dragon problem. They needed to handle. Merlin told the king and his man that beneath the foundation of the tower would be a pool, and in that pool would be two stone containers.

After the men laughed at Merlin, all right, dragon, we need some kid bones. Everyone knows the men dug. Sure enough, there was a pool after draining the pool. They found the containers, turns out to be dragon eggs, two dragon eggs, one red, one white. And then the dragons would take to the skies and fight each other. They, I don't know, they grew up fucking super fast, I guess, like a meat. They grew immediately. I don't know how it was possible. The white dragon takes the victory, but in that moment, Merlin shed, she had shown the

king. He was a seer. The red and the white colors of the dragons are important. The red dragon would represent the Britons, the White Dragon, the Saxons, and what the Saxon dragon did to feed the British dragon in this tower story. It also led to Merlin's version of Britain one day vanquishing the Saxons and solidifying Merlin's service to the king. Plus they could build the tower now for your dragons.

Yeah, which is, whoo, that's great. So great down to where the dragons down. The king would go on to ask Merlin for his advice all the time, including how to make a baby with his enemies wife without anybody knowing. And if all this sounds crazy, it's because it is. What I like to think about again is how people in the late 12th century were presented this shit as fact. Like peasants would listen to stories like these and just walk away thinking, oh, it's

a good-time melon found those dragon eggs, so that towel would have shalee fallen. It just as surely as my name is mildred donkey shy, or something else fucking stupid. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to buy witches potion, need to get rid of some pesky wooden emphasis in my garden. People were dumb as rocks back then, they were dumb as fucking rocks. Ah, the dark ages. One of the most timeless and best known tales of Arthur is the sword and the stone legend that comes from the 12th century French poet Robert de Boren's work, simply titled Merlin. We mentioned Robert before. The story starts right after

Arthur's birth. Born of royal blood, Arthur was secretly taken by Merlin to be raised as the bastard child of a loyal ally to King Euthir or Outhir Pendragon, a man named Sir Ector. At Sir Ector's castle, no one including Sir Ector knew the boy's real identity, the son of the king, and his enemy's wife. Thought to be illegitimate, the boy grew up being looked down upon and teased by his adoptive parents, his stepbrother, Sir Kay and his friends, and there's a couple of dicks for parents. You're not even our real kid. Ah, sucks for you. Arthur grew up as Shane of his

birth unaware who he was a prince. Meanwhile, Arthur's real father was sick, like really sick. He died just a few months after giving Arthur up. No one knew Arthur was the king's son, so the kingdom fell into disarray without an heir to lead them in this chaos. Very reminiscent, I might add, of the real 12th century situation in Karena, half century before this tale was written in the Anarchy. Rival Lords and Dukes debated which amongst them was most fit to lead England. And again, this parallels what happened during the real Anarchy. With no answer in sight to nobles of the time called upon Merlin to help them figure it all out, Merlin, the only man aware of baby Arthur's lineage, created a solution.

Merlin brought forth a large stone, as one does. It must have bought it kind of a magic stone quarry place and placed a heavy anvil on the stone in a churchyard in the Westminster region of London. Inside the anvil is you guessed it a sword. The inscription on the blade reads, Who so pulleth out his soul from this stone? Is right wise king, born of all England? Berlin revealed the magical properties of the sword, explaining that only the most qualified

man in all of England would be able to pull the sword from the anvil and claim the throne. Nobles from around the region came to give it a try. No one, not even the strongest nobles could do it. The sword eventually was nearly forgotten. No king was crowned. And subsequently England sunk further into anarchy and disarray and people were pretty irritated with Merlin for adding this useless fucking sword stone situation to the promise. As Arthur grew, Merlin introduced himself to the boy.

The two began to meet after Arthur would finish his chores around Sir Ektor's castle. They became fast friends as old, weird male loners and unrelated children often do nothing to be alarmed about. Merlin became the boy's tutor. Merlin's teachings, including many subjects, but his major emphasis was in knowledge over brute force. Hail, name, rot. Arthur in this tale is described as a scrawny lad,

scarcely capable of lifting his sword from a sheath, but Merlin saw the potential of the future king. He thought Arthur would one day be wise and honorable enough to unite Britain and save the nation from its current level of horseshit. He saw greatness in the boy, and since he was psychic, he knew what he was talking about. The one day when Arthur's 15, the wizard brings the boy to Westminster. Besides, being a great wizard, he was also an excellent promoter.

He assembles an anxious crowd to witness the boy's attempt at pulling the sword from the anvil. More than stepbrothers, Sir K also makes the journey bigger and stronger than Arthur. Sir K can't even budge the sword. The crowd's not surprised. You know, they remember a bunch of buff adults who couldn't move it either. When his Arthur's turned, the crowd goes fucking ballistic. When this scrawny son of a bitch does what no one else could do and just pulls the magic

iron blade right out of its stony resting place, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, or he's a jolly gaffa, or he's a jolly gaffa, where he's a jolly gaffa, go kill some dragons. Now, something like that. That's one version of this tale. Story ends up being retold in several ways. One of the most popular being a situation where Arthur is supposed to bring K's sword to a tournament, but forgets. So, the 15 year old Arthur goes on the Hunts or replace it, see the sword in the stone,

pulls it out with these, not even realizing what magical deed he's just done. And then when Arthur gives that sword to K in this version version he notices it has an inscription that basically says he's won the fucking lottery and it's now the king of England. No one believes that a teenage boy had done the deed that no one before him could do and they make him do it again. He does the people are blown away. He's crowned king by Saint Dubricius. A big part of Arthur's legend is this sort, this magic sword ex caliber, the sword of

the stone and some of the stone. And some of the stories is X caliber. In others, it's a different weapon. And these other tales lead us to the lady of the lake, part of the mythology. And some tales, local leaders, not happy about Arthur pulling the stone, pulling the sword from the stone. They don't want him to lead. Right?

They're wanting to lead themselves. They don't like the fact that they may have to bend their knee to some 15 year old bastard. They form an angry mob to rebel against his lead against his rule. And these tales. Merlin helps the young kid escape the mobs brings him to a magical lake where the lady of the lake lives beneath the waves. And suddenly Merlin said to have had a sexual relationship with the lady of the lake. And in some story, she's his sister. So there's that to very different stories. Or are they sister fucking not frowned upon back then like it is now. But any who in these tales when Arthur and Merlin arrive, the lady of the lake basically just reaches up from beneath the water hands Arthur the magical magical sword ex caliber. When given the magic

blade he's told he will always defeat his opponents when he uses it. He's also told that as long as he wears the blade's scabred in sheath, he will be invincible and both of these prophecies become true. Not a bad gift. Not a bad gift. I gotta say, my birthday was last week and while I do love my wife, Lindsay, and I love my kids, Kyler Monroe, now, now one of those motherfuckers got me anything even close to as cool as that. Now, close to as cool as a sword that will kill anyone as sheath that will make me immortal. And that's really frustrating to me because those are the things that's all I've literally ever wanted. What the fuck?

It's like they don't even care. Every year, for so many years now, I ask the same question, can you please just give me a fucking sword that will kill everyone and also a matching sheath that will allow known to kill me? Is that really such a big deal? You cheap assholes! And I slammed the door to my room and I sob until I cry myself to sleep. That's every May 16th for me. It's crying myself to sleep knowing that the next day I'm not going to get anything that I want. Anyway, Arthur gets the coolest gifts ever. Which I gotta say helps me understand how he killed 960 dudes in one battle.

Okay. Alright, now I get it. There are lots and lots of stories about the lady, the lake, and legends, and most of them, she seems to have different names, relationships, and powers. And one of the legends she's said to have had stolen Sarlan's lot when he was a child also cured his madness later in life. She is also the cause of Merlin's death in many of the stories she's complicated. She's nuanced. Hey Lucifina. King Arthur or Arthur Pendragon, as he's also known, of course the main focus of the Arthurian legends and his story Merlin's story Merlin

bend over the centuries. While various details about Arthur's deeds would change over the year, certain traits about King Arthur would remain pretty consistent. He's always brave, just and wise. Powerful sense of honor, duty, loves England, loves his people. These traits, of course, become a source of great national pride for the English, but he wasn't perfect, he did have weaknesses. And his major weakness was his love for Guinevere. The marriage of Arthur and Guinevere

is worn against by Merlin from the very beginning. Merlin told his young friend that she was not wholesome enough to be his bride. And Merlin would be right. Gwynnevere would go on to have a long affair with Arthur's favorite night, Sir Lancelot. And this unfortunate trait of Gwynnevere's, this unfaithfulness, would go on to be retold by various authors and artists and bars and musicians, just like, you know, Arthur's story would change. Actually, the American 20th century poets, DJ Quick, AMG, EZE, would join play a ham and tweet Cadillac, aka Pen House Players Click and release a song about Gwynnevere on

their 1992 highly influential hip-hop album, Paid the Cost, called Trust No Bitch. All that info was real though, except that song that didn't have shit to do with Gwynnivier. I, I'm just I'm happy that I could, I could throw out a reference to Penn House players click. I, I wore that CD out in 1994. Gwynn is the daughter of King Leo DeGrance. And upon their marriage, Arthur's new father-in-law gives him a dowry of 100 nights and the round table the nights would sit at. I would sit upon or sit around. There we go. Nice, the round table.

Round table has nice ring to it. Good thing that table wasn't rectangular. That would have kind of ruined things. Knights of the rectangular table doesn't roll off the tongue the same way. Knights of the rectangular picnic table. Knights of the fold up, squareish, polka table. Round, definitely the best best shape. Poor Gwynnevere, she's really not much

of a developed character. Why? Because English society in the 12th century was incredibly patriarchal and was in just about every other part of the world at that time. And male readers and authors didn't really give a shit about showing any complexity with their female character. Even a lady to Lake, I said nuance earlier, not really.

She was always just kind of mischievous. Jeffrey and other male writers weren't interested in a strong female character. They were interested in a strong male character saving a weak female character. Gwynethy are really just a vehicle for Arthur to be brave in the legends. Bit of a foil character, really.

We see his strengths because of her weakness. She helped kick off one of my least favorite literary tropes, the damsel in distress waiting to be saved by some knight in shining armor. Fuck that. Strong women only please. I'm not interested in saving anyone. You want to be saved? Save yourself.

Hey, it was the Fina. Anyway, helpless Gwynnevere constantly getting kidnapped, neck deep in danger, you know, fucking his best friend behind the Arthur's back, and he keeps calm and carries on throughout it all. Arthur's chivalrous keeps calm and carries on throughout it all. Arthur's chivalrous nature and the honor of the Knights of the Round Table in general will influence medieval England greatly. England still knights people today who have brought honor to the realm, but we're not here to talk about new Knights.

We're here to talk about original Knights, some OKs. Duh. That doesn't sound nearly as cool as OG. That's OK. We're here to talk about awesome Knights, some A-Case. That doesn't work either. cool as OG. That's okay. We're here to talk about awesome nights, some AKs. That doesn't work either. Let's just talk about them. After Arthur received Excalibur, he fought in many battles and liked the lady of the

lake prophesied. He won every one of his battles without injury. The 11 lesser kings who initially refused to bend their knee to him all ended up agreeing. You know what? Hold on. On second thought, we now think that we should follow the young and invincible king. That's probably a better plan than continue to fight someone who, who no one can kill. Arthur went on to set up his royal palace at Kamalat, a mythical walled city with a castle. It was said to be surrounded by woodlands and

large fields where many tournaments were held and many would camp when the city was full. There's no specifics to the city's size or layout. I mean, it's not a real place. Kamalat was made up. Kamalat is a major city of city's size or layout. I mean, it's not a real place. Kamala was made up. Kamala is a major city of Arthur's focus in many of his legends, but actually isn't mentioned until the 13th century. As we just noted, when Arthur married Gwynethy or King Leo, whatever,

King fucking Leo's stupid name, gives Arthur a giant table as the wedding present. And then Merlin is then sent to help fill the ranks of 150 nights, and apparently is the biggest table. In some legends, Merlin himself creates the table and in one legend, there are 1600 seats around it. So no wonder Wizard had to make it.

You can't pick that up, but I can't. You can't put that together at home. Only a magical table seats 1600 people. God, Wish I had a Wizard make a meme tables. That's what I should ask for for my birthday. Now that I think about it, a good Wizard. A good, strong wizard. Next year, I'm going to ask Lindsey and the kids, not for two things, but just for like one, just good wizard. And then the wizard can make the magic sword and the magic sheath, right, and a cool table. And probably conjures and

dragons, and gold, and probably some sex robots. Why not? And a new family that gives me an undefeatable sword when I fucking ask for it. His plans really started to come together. Okay, the Vulgate cycles, a 13th century telling of the Arthur tail, and among the first to mention Camelot, also says that when the Knights were assembled, Merlin said to the group, now on, you must love one another and hold one another as dear as your brothers. For from the love and sweetness of this table where you will be seated, there will be born in your hearts such a great joy and friendship that you will leave your wives and children to be with one another and spend your youth together in nudiness under God and touching one another's

glorious muscles and rubbing down of thighs after heated battles and relaxing and doing shoulder massages and sometimes touching nipples in a frallically fun way. And then sometimes just gently stroking one another's cocks on the battlefield to reduce tension from the wars and then putting cocks and mouths and buttoles and really enjoying, he didn't say that. But I just feel like there's a lot of homo erotic tones when Merlin comes up.

He's hanging out with dudes, you know, just spent a lot of time alone with them. He's trying to talk them out of marrying ladies. He's telling a bunch of dudes, just fucking forget about your wives, just, you know, have fun with each other. And the name is 150 to 600, 1600 nights will be engraved in each of these chairs. What a great legend, by the way, to inspire unity in your army. If you want to be a good night, you have to love each other more than your own families. And why are you with each other in the first place to defend

the realm of England? To advance her glory, long live England! I mean, this shit is fantastic, propaganda. Like the best. Merlin left one of the chairs open for a great night at the table that he called the perilous chair. That chair would be filled by only the bravest, most capable knight of them all. And that knight would end up being Saga'la had. The son of the already famous knight, Salant'alat. And some legends, Gala had also pulled a sword from the stone. In his case, he was named as strong as night in the world for it. Let us, let us, stones and swords float around the story today.

Sir Gala had sounds like a real badass, Arthur Light. We're going to talk about him in a moment. First, let's talk about his dad. Arguably the most famous knight of the round table, Salant'alat. Salant'alat was the famous knight of the round table. Sir Lancelot. Sir Lancelot was the first knight of the round table, and he's never failed in gentleness, courtesy, or courage. Lancelot is Arthur's favorite. In a return, Lancelot is totally devoted to King Arthur

and never betrays him other than constantly fucking his wife. Like so much. That's like the only little tiny chink in his armor. That's the only minor tip between the two is the constant wife fucking. Other than that, devoted besties. When Lancelot is not being led astray by his naughty dirty pain, he's doing all kinds of noble cool shit and legends. Killin bad guys, rescue another nights, saving damsels, fighting giants, that kind of shit.

And he was one of many nights. Sir Gowin, another famous night of the round table, said to be Arthur's nephew, prominent figure in many of the legends in France. He's generally presented as one who has adventures paralleling, but not quite overshadowing, Arthur's and Lance Lott's adventures. In the English tales, he's also sometimes a star of the show. Gowin is the principal hero of some tales, a great example of courtesy and chivalry. He is Sir Gowin.

And there's like one of the stories that Sir Gowen and the Green Knight, there's other Arthurian romances. He's the lead character in Gowen. Sometimes a rival of Sir Lancelot, the accidental death of Gowen's brothers at Sir Lancelot's hands causes Gowen one of the mightiest warriors of court to become the bitter enemy of his one's great friend. Hands up getting morally wounded in a fight with Lancelot, who had his said lays for two nights weeping at Gowen's tomb before his death. He ends up getting morally wounded in a fight with Lancelot who had said lays for two nights

weeping at Gowen's tomb before his death Gowen repents his bitterness towards Lancelot and forgives him. Because the bonds of nighthood are too strong for such a petty squabble freak. I know we fought, but think about all those times in the battle. We were just laying, cuddled up, spooning together. You were a little spoon. I was a big spoon just thinking about not being with our families. There was also

a sir, uh, Geront. So Geront, a cool last night who bests a night known as the night of the Sparrow Hawk. And only let Sparrow Hawk live in one famous tale when Sparrow Hawk promises to take his dwarf to Kamalat and apologize to one of the Queen's maidens for being rude. Uh, seriously, that's, that's the story. Uh, This story is a good representation of how fucking weird and crazy all these old night tales were here. Here's it in the original original, well, I guess a version of the original language. This is the story. The nights face each other as the trumpet sound. And these nights he's talking about here are this is Sir Gerent and the night of the Sparrowhawk. The knights face each other as the trumpet sound, and they rush towards each other.

The horse hooves tramping like thunder. They crash together in the middle of the field with a loud roar on the sound of a splinter in Lance. It is the knight's lance, splintered into 20 pieces. The lance of Sajaranse was held and pierced the shield of the knight, lifting him out of his saddle, throwing him onto the ground with great force, causing him to roll over and over. The excited crowd calls out, who is this night in old armor? Is he so lancelot of the lake? Who is he? As the crowd roars, the night leaps to his feet and draws his sword, calling out to gerent. Come down here and

face me on foot, I've still got my sword. The crowd cries out. Get off your horse and fight him on foot. Is that really with the crowd? Cryed out. It seems like a little too worried. You know, get go get off your horse and fight him on like in unison. Get off your horse and fight him on foot. So Gerent leaps down from his horse and draws his sword with his shield before him. He approaches the night then suddenly they spring together like two wild bulls bashing into each other. Now, hacking away each other was swords until a dust cloud surrounds them, and no one can tell who it's winning.

Durant, Glow's very angry, and the night withstands all his smashing blows, and he smashes away at the night even harder. The night begins to weaken and drops his shield a little. Durant lets loose a blow so heavy upon the night's shield it knocks it down to the ground. Then Durant hits the night so hard on top of his helmet, a direct hit on the crowns of the blade cut straight through and into the bone, which somehow doesn't even kill this guy. With that blow the night of the Sparrow Hawk falls to his knees. Yeah, I think so. Catching hold of Durant's legs. Durant snatches the night's helmet from his head, grabs his hair, pulls his neck forward the knight's helmet from his head, grabs his

hair, pulls his neck forward as if to chop off his head, the knight begs for his life. And Jaren agrees to spare him on one condition, if he will tell him his name. The knight responds, my name is Sagadimus of the Morse. Jaren says, Sagadimus, you must do one other thing. And then I will let you live. You must promise to take your dwarf and go to Kamalat, where the dwarf will apologize to the Queen's maiden for his roughness towards her.

The night promises to do it and Jareen says arise, say, God to me, I swear I spare thee. What? Okay. If you're wondering, like, what did the dwarf do? And that's not me being derogatory. Like, it's just referred to as the dwarf in this tale. What did the dwarf do to piss off Sergerant?

Earlier that day, he gave Sergerant a back of Kamalot a quote, dirty look. And okay, that's not all. And he turned some maidens horse around in a way that caused her to almost fall off her horse. He turned it around somehow and she didn't know anyone cared for it. Then he rode off with Sergady-Mus and Sir Gerenth was fucking pissed. How dare that dwarf look at him in a dirty way

and almost knock him, made not for a horse by kind of turning it around a bit somehow. So Sir Gerenth, he chases those dirty, look-given horse-turnin' sons of bitches all the way to some night tournament and got to joustin'. That how seriously these dudes took shivori one dirty look from a dwarf and it's like oh fucking cut your best friend's nights head off insanity and people again would read this back to the best mouse sounds reasonable good for him being shivorous and defending her honor that's

not a dwarf another night is Sir Bedavir. Sir Bedavir was a trusty supporter of King Arthur from the beginning of his reign. One of the first nights to join the fellowship of the round table, he helped Arthur fight the giant of Mont Saint Michael or Mont Saint Michel. Yeah, a giant. This is a giant that ravaged France

until confronted by King Arthur. This giant abducted the niece of the king of Brittany. That's giant's duty. Sneaking places and fucking take ladies. Tuckered to his cave in the mountains known as Mont Saint Michel and just, I don't know, ate a big old elk leg bone and just gave a weird looks. And this big bastard plundered some nearby villages and spread fear amongst the locals. Big son of a bitch wore crocodile skin for armor, fought Arthur with a club that was on fire. Luckily, luckily, Arthur had his trusty invincible sheath. Super handy to have that when you need to kill

crocodile skin, armor, wear and giant. Dungeons and dragons clearly influenced by our Thoreon legends. A bit of veer ended up with only one hand later in life, just like a certain game of Throne's night. Bit of your lost one of his hands in battle but continued beating kick ass night. Bed of your was also present at the last battle, the fateful battle of Kamen. He and Arthur alone survived this battle. He was given the command by Arthur to throw, Excalibur back into the lake.

After lying twice to Arthur, he finally tossed a precious sword out into the lake and the hand of the lady of the lake came up and retrieved a sword and then sunk back to her watery depths. Oh, why would he do that? Why would he get rid of the coolest shit ever? Well, in one story, the lady the lake told him he had to eventually return it or ex-caliber would eventually bring about the demise of the kingdom, bummer. It does kind of make sense though. Like if ex-caliber fell into the wrong hands, I guess that would spell disaster, bring it right. Can't risk it.

Now let's revisit that badass, Sir Gala had. Sir Gala had again son of Lance Lot. One day another sword in a stone was seen in a river by Arthur's Knights because this shit was everywhere back then. And it was said to be, they said that only the world's best knight could pull out this sword. Gala had was led into Arthur's court. He drew the sword out, no problem. It was later on when the grail appeared in a vision at Arthur's court that Gala had was then chosen to be one of the three knights to undertake the quest for the Holy Grail. He was given a white shield with the red cross drawn in blood, right? Just like the crusading knights Templar, in order found it around the same time, by the

way, that these stories were written in the early 12th century. Also probably not a coincidence. I'm sure the Knights Templars were inspired by the Knights of the Round Table and Vice Versa in the sense that the authors writing about the Knights of the Round Table were being inspired by the real Knights Templar. The birthday. Gala had been ended up finding the Holy Grail after being holed in the Holy Grail. Gala had requested that he die. He accomplished the most noble mission any Christian night ever could. Find the Holy Grail. And his work on Earth was done.

He's granted his wish and his sense straight to heaven. He's given the spiritual shortcut for being the perfect night. It was perfect and courage, gentleness, courtesy, and shivari. And immediately peasant started selling and wearing W. W. S. G. D bracelets. What would Sir Gala had to do? And this little story, you know, because this story we still have Jack Asis digging in Oak Island today, looking for the Holy Grail. Okay, one more. There's a ton of these guys, and honestly their stories get a little redundant. He was fucking shiver. I get it. He won some battles. All right, yeah. Yeah, piss Arthur, but they worked it out. Okay.

The last night we'll talk about today also related to King Arthur. His stepbrothers are Kay. History records Kay is being a very tall man as shown by his epithet, the tall. He appears in some of the legends as the foremost warrior at the court of King Arthur and apparently had mystical powers and was called one of the three enchanted knights of Britain. Here's why, here's some an excerpt from one of the old tales. Nine knights and nine days, his breath lasted underwater. Nine knights and nine days, would he be without sleep? A wound from Kay's sword, no physician might heal. When it pleased him, he would be as tall as the tallest tree in the forest.

When the rain was heaviest, whatever he held in his hand would be dry for a hand breath before and behind because of the greatness of his heat and when his companions were coldest, he would be as fuel for them to light a fire. Man, it was like one of the Avengers. It sounded like it had a sword almost as good as Arthur's. Another cool sword I didn't get. While he didn't have an invincibility sheath, he could hold his breath under water for a long time.

Like almost Aquaman long. He didn't need to sleep very much. That's pretty sweet. He could shoot some kind of fire. Now somehow I wanted him on my side for sure, and some kind of night fight. Asterkaia times and a volatile and cruel nature, but was also one of Arthur's most faithful companions.

Well, you know, it's fucking super tall sometimes, get fired, he's gonna let his cheese deal with, probably get him cranky. Almost done talking about nights. Let's just touch on the Holy Grail a bit more and then the code of chivalry before moving on. One of the most important things Arthurian night could do was hunt for the Holy Grail,

the fabled artifact that usually shows up as the cup that Jesus drank of at the last supper, the cup of supposed miraculous power that could provide happiness, eternal youth, or sustenance, and infinite abundance. Pretty cool cup. Again, it just kind of reminds me of gifts, you know. I mean, I got a coffee cup for my birthday, you know. Joe Paisy gave me a coffee cup, but not a grail cup, you know what I mean? Just a regular, you know what, it's just a regular parade of disappointment today.

Just thinking about this stuff. During the late 12th century French and English poets and troubadours transformed the Arthur legend from political fable to a tale of chivalric romance. The mysterious Holy Grail, one of the most captivating motifs in all of literature, first appears as part of the Arthurian legend in Créatien de Tois, this unfinished poem Percival or the story of the Grail. We're in at the very end of the 12th century, and one of his passages about the Grail he writes,

a girl came in, fair and calmly and beautifully adorned, and between her hand she held a grail. And when she carried the grail in, the hall was diffused by a light so brilliant that the candles lost their brightness as do the moon or stars when the sun rises. After her came another girl bearing a silver trencher. The girl was made of the

finest pure, that grail, sorry, I said the girls, what? The grail was made of the finest pure gold and in it were set precious stones of many kinds, the richest and most precious in the earth or the sea. Cretians, image of the grail, luminous and otherworldly, became a mystical symbol of all human quests of the human yearning for something beyond desirable and yet unattainable with that the Arthur legend entered the true realm of myth. Now for some final notes on shivori. The hundreds of knights sit around that magical round-ass table all swore to live their lives by code of shivori.

A moral system that rewarded bravery, courtesy, honor, honesty, valor, loyalty, gallantry towards women. The shivorous knight was expected to be a great warrior in battle, but also temper his aggression with the chivalrous side to his nature when not in battle. Chivalry is defined as the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.

And to be chivalrous is defined as courteous and gallant, especially in the context of a man towards a woman. If you're a dude and have a lady and that lady expect you to open doors for her or walk on the side of traffic when you saw on the sidewalk as Lindsey does with me, she is expecting you to be chivalrous. Not for everyone, I know, but we light. The Arthurian Code of Chivalry was emphasized by oaths and vows that were sworn in the knighthood ceremonies.

Later the Code of Chivalry was written in the epic poem about Charlemagne called the song of Roland. Exactly when it was written as not known, but probably in the early 12th century, and then it was extremely popular from the 12th century to the 14th century. In the song, the shiveric knights were, here's their qualities, number these out, one, to fear God and maintain his church, two, to serve the leased Lord in valor and faith. 3. To protect the weak and defenseless. 4. To give assistance to widows and orphans. See, a lot of the stuff would end up being taken by the Knights Templar.

I remember this from that suck. 5. To refrain from the wanton giving of offense. 6. To live by honor and for glory. 7. To despise pecuniary or monetary reward. 8. To fight for the welfare of all. 9. To obey those placed in authority. 10. To guard the honor of fellow knights. 11. To astute on fairness, meanness and deceit.

12. To keep faith. 13. At all times to speak the truth. 14. To persevere to the end in any enterprise began. 15. To respect the honor of women. 16. Never to refuse a challenge from an equal. 17. Never turn your back upon a foe. 18. Never run from giants. 19.

Always fight dragons with magic swords. 20. To look at a woman when she is naked leads to certain death. 21. Always touch one sword instead of one's penis. 22. Always attempt to go number two before jousting match begins because it takes a long time to get the armor off and then back on again

And it's not cool to make everyone wait to watch you land your foes with the mighty Ron Okay, I made up 18 to 22 with the others were real At the end of most of the legends sadly Arthur and all of his knights will die But they die for the most part with honor and their fictional lives, not lived in vain. Their ideals inspire England in a great deal of others and help push England and also other countries like France to become the colonizing powers they do become. Because they have these stories also very popular in France. Now let's talk about Arthur's enemies from dragons and giants to witches and rival kings and nobles.

He battled with the Saxons and the Irish from the north. He also battled with love and nature. His two greatest enemies were actually relatives, Morgan Lafay and his nemesis Mortrid. Let's talk about Mortrid first. Mortrid was on a mission to destroy Arthur from early on. Mortrid's parents were Arthur's half sister and Arthur himself. God, I have a little more incest. It's not going to be a proper medieval royalty story.

If you don't have enough incest, Mortrid's stepfather is King Lot of Orchney and his half-brothers of the Knights, Gowen, Agrovene, Geheris, and Geherith. That one, that one, sounds out of place. All these old medieval names and then like a modern name. We have Gowen, Agrovene, Geheris, and Tim, and also Timothy. It was Merlin who saw into the future and warned Arthur that a boy born on Mayday would grow up and cause the fall of both Arthur and the Knights that are on table. Upon hearing this, Arthur makes the completely rational choice of decreeing that all boys born on Mayday are to be placed on a ship and sent to Europe to find new families.

Which is pretty nice, really. A lesser king would just stomped him the second they popped out of their mother's rooms. But Noble Arthur just took him from their families and shipped them off to Europe just Just a ship full of babies and own wants seems reasonable Unfortunately, the ship was caught in a perfect storm one year and wrecked killing everybody born on May 1st Almost can you guess who survived mortgared That baby could fucking swim man baby mortar could swim It's dumped into the cold Atlantic ocean during a storm that just took down a whole ship. And he just moored his chubby little baby

ass to shore. And that's impressive. Michael Phelps descended from mortard. Again, many people's out these stories were true. I'm sure some people still do. There's probably somebody out there who thinks that the earth is flat. They'll be never landed on the moon and that baby mortared and swam his fucking baby ass off. A Mordred was raised away from the court until he was a teenager and he came to Kamalot and joined the roundtable. His actual identity was unknown until it was too late. Mordred was instrumental in uncovering the adultery of Guinevere and Lancelot.

Tells about it to talk about it to King Arthur, force them to send to Queen to death. When Arthur pursues Lancelot or in some stories, the Roman Emperor Lucius, Mortarid seizes the throne and Mary is going to veer himself forcing Arthur to abandon his battles in France and rush back to Britain. The two face off for the final time in the battle of Camus, which results in Mortarid's death by spirit,

the hands of Arthur, but not before he mortally wounds his father, who was also his uncle, who was also his king. Ah, shit held on to that invisibility, she ate Arthur. Arthur's other mortal enemy is Morgan Lafe. Morgan Lafe was Arthur's half sister. She is normally depicted as the witch and a malicious enemy. Prior to Arthur's marriage to Gwynnevere, she tricked Arthur and just sleeping with their

sister, Morgaz, which gave birth to Arthur's son and nephew, Mortar. It's a mean witch trick. Some legends say that Morgan Lafe was the mother of Mortarit. It's a mean witch trick. Some legends say that Morgan Lafay was the mother of Mortarit herself. I mean, I buy it, you know, a lot of, apparently a lot of sexy half-sister, this guy was thinking about fucking. Mortarit was involved in all kinds of conspiracies against Arthur

from killing some archers best nights and subjects trying to poison him and ultimately didn't him do his death by stealing the enchanted scabbard of ex-calibered leaving Arthur vulnerable. Oh, okay, that's what happened to the sheath. Damn, sexy half-sister took it. Okay, so that's some of his enemies. Let's talk about some of his dragons.

Or some dragons in general. They weren't named in this story, especially fun to talk about dragons right now, while Game of Thrones is going on. It's not a lot of her minds. You know, after just wrapped up, an integral part of the legends of Arthur come in the form of fire breathing four-legged winged reptiles known to nearly every child on earth as dragons. They didn't show up with big back stories or even specific names are three legend, but their presence definitely felt.

Again, kind of like game of thrones i can't name any of the dragons in that show. I don't really show that much but they're but their presence alter the landscape. The show in the plot and everything while dragons are mythical creatures legends about dragons have been recorded by cultures around the world. The Western stories of dragons differ from that of the Eastern legends, and that Western dragons breathe fire, have giant wings, generally pretty evil. Eastern dragons, wingless, fireless, and assign a good fortune for the most part. Dragons are a massive part of the lore of the ancient Britons, keltz and the Icelandic people, spoken of long before the time of King Arthur. And one

famous British legend about a medieval knight named St. George, story goes that a dragon decided to kill all the beautiful women of the land and kidnapped the king's daughter. Oh man, what a dick dragon move. Messed up like Kelly's like, why can you at least tweak a little bit like I'm gonna ban the ugly ones. Oh, please don't, but, oh, okay. With the help of an enchanted ornth tree, saying George slayed the dragon, rescued the princess, this trope has been repeated throughout the centuries, saving the princess from the dragon. The Celtic peoples revered dragons for their power and wisdom.

Many Celtic myths say that dragons had the gift of prophecy and thought they were the guardians of the underworld, symbolized the joining of this world of the next life So basically upon death when entering the pearly gates Kelt were met by a snorling monster. That's fun The Danes also have tons of dragon stories including the story of a Danish king sending the spirit of a wizard to scout a foreign land to see if it could be invaded The spirit ghost wizard returns after being scared away by dragon, an army of snakes and insects, a giant bull, a massive bird, and a mountain, and a mountain giant. Needless to say, the wizard goes to picking up these four monsters with it was a bit off-putting. The off-put Danish king was easily convinced not to invade the country.

Let me fuck this writing these stories. Like, if I get sent back in time and stuck there, I want that job. It seems pretty easy. It seemed like you just got to make up just whatever shit you wanted. You could just use that to bend things to your desires. No, please, King, please, we should dare not go further north to Central Act. And I'm not just saying that because I hate the cold and I have a pretty sweet natural hot spring in my backyard right now. And the women here are super hot and kind of into me. The real reason we can't move up North with our people is because there is a thousand snow

dragons up there. Yes, a thousand and they can bring more pain than you could ever imagine. They breathe in a new type of fire to ice fire. It's both ice and fire. And they do that to you and that's and listen, listen to this, they're the least of your problems. The dragons are the least of our concerns. If we had north there's also the ice giants. And end of the end of the ghost wizards. Of course there's, can't forget to go swizzards. And also if you're still not thinking about moving there, what about

giant snow scorpions? Do you reckon we can handle them? They shoot lasers from their eyes. All of the scorpions are being reddened like horses by three headed witches with poisonous snakes for tongues. And they can curse you with never ending diarrhea. If they look you in the eye and wink before you could look away arch to wink to hide and then you feel it. So head north if you want, but that's your call. You're the king, but boy, howdy. It's going to be a literal shit show.

Ah, if we leave this land of the hot springs in the sexy ladies and whatnot, no one really knows where the original idea of dragons comes from. So many different types of dragons and so many different mythologies, hard to say. They're important enough to our Thurian legend to have Arthur have his last name, B, Penn Dragon, the chief of dragons. Now, let's talk about wizards briefly, electrical. While there's only one Merlin, there's no question that he is the most famous wizard of all time.

Others have been labeled as wizards. The Merlin of Japan has to be Abi No Simei. The Japanese legends of Abino Simei ascribe him a number of supernatural abilities. He would oversee the Emperor's spirituality, banish evil spirits, get rid of illnesses. One famous story says he got his power

from his mother who happened to be a white fox. So dad, real kinky dude, and a little bit of fox fucking. Abino, see me story filled with demon slaying, magical combat, some serious Jedi master shit. That is kind of weird with all these animals. So it really does. I know I've joked around in the past. It's like, we're just fucking animals a lot back then. Why are there so many of these myths have like one parent who's human and the other parent who's an animal. And it doesn't seem like anybody who's like, ugh, what the what?

I mean, if you thought that through, you're like, okay, guess this guy who's out fucking foxes. The story of Merlin actually helped create more interest in becoming a wizard back when more people thought this stuff was real. One of these people was, you know, 13th century scholar thought to be a sorcerer, Michael Scott. One of the greatest minds of his time, he's remembered for having, interest in occult subjects and practices as well as more mainstream subjects. Scott was the personal astrologer to the Holy Roman emperor and was a tutor to the Pope.

Probably wasn't, probably wasn't teaching devil shit when he was with the Pope, but maybe, you know, a illuminati do what illuminati do. Scott was credited with making successful predictions, curing illnesses, changing the course of a river even, making a rope out of sand. You see even reference in Dante's in Fernow. He ended up getting stuck on the wizard level of hell. Probably a pretty fun level to get stuck on really. One more wizard is fellow. This guy was the advisor to Queen Elizabeth in the 16th and early 17th centuries. His name was John D. Set up being called a wizard. Usually called a mathematician, astronomer, astrologer, alchemist, a cult philosopher. He also advocated for the expansion of England,

credit it was coined in the term the British Empire. While he was a man of science, an expert navigation, and a promoter of math, he also was super interested in some wizard shit. He spent the last 30 years of his life trying to commune with angels to bring about a pre-apocalypse situation by learning the universal language of creation. He got a little cookie, you got older.

And then there would be other people like former Suck, Subtik, Alex, Crowley, who thought studying the occult would give them wizard like powers. And yeah, and so that's, there's some additional wizard. So it wasn't just Arthur, but you know, I'm sure Arthurian legends inspired other people to have wizard mythology in their own cultures. So now it's time for some final thoughts. I hope you learned way more about our three in legend than how it helps shape England, which then shapes the United States and so many other nations. I hope you learned way more than you already knew. Think about how much talk of knights, wizards, dragons, etc. exists in our culture

today. A lot of it comes from the tales of King Arthur, Merlin knights around table. In conclusion, was Arthur real? No, I don't think so, but some do think he was at least based in part on some real people like Ambrosius Arlenius, that dude who showed up in the Battle of Badden, as told by Gildus, who actually lived when that battle was fought. One of the greatest figures of Britain towards the end of the Roman Empire in the 4th century was the Celtic Prince, called Magnus Maximus. That's a fucking great name.

That is a solid warrior name. Right, some of the names today's episode pretty dumb, pretty soft. But if you're, you know, if you're some guy like Uther, and you got a lens called Ron, get the fuck out of here. Take Ron, go home, you weirdo. But if you show up and you're like,

I am Magnus Maximus, ah, I'm listening. Okay, you have my attention. Many scholars think it's Max, that's the basis for Arthur's heroic deeds. Max kicked ass on behalf of Roman Gaul, Britain, Spain, even Northern Africa. Real dude won a ton of battles, even helped knock Emperor Gratian off the throne.

He was certainly the most noted military commander in the area of England around the time of King Arthur. Another candidate's man named Arthno. Arthno was a Celtic prince who lived in Cornwall in the sixth century. A piece of slate was found called the Arthor Stone discovered in excavations in Tintaggle in 1998. The name Arthor-Gno, this name.

They show up in different spellings into different places. Sometimes it's Arthno, sometimes it's like Arthor-Gno. Anyway, Celtic historians have said the name could have been related to Arthur somehow or they thought that initially, but then upon more review, no one really seems to think it has anything

to do with King Arthur. Basically, there's a lot of theories out there about real people who Arthur may have been based on, but they're all pretty flimsy from what I read and what I see. Overall, this folklore seems to be at least 90% in just pure fiction. And what great fiction it is.

Love a good night dragon and wizard tail. Pretty cool to learn how to collection a story can shape a culture or a culture, excuse me, identity. Merlin Arthur and others helped take England from the anarchy to the crusades to colonization, helped fuel the belief that they were the greatest nation on earth because they had the best origin story. They had to go kick some ass. They were the land of the Knights of the Roundtable and King Arthur.

Origins matter to a lot of people feeling connected to a powerful past is important to many. Fools desire to reclaim lost glory even when that glory as is the case here never actually existed. In 12th century England, what actually happened centuries before it didn't matter. What mattered was what people believed happened. This type of historical revisionism still goes on today. Randomly, I think it's part of the reason United States has refused to apologize for its ugly history of slavery. Right? Slavery doesn't fit the narrative of being a kick-ass, just, fair, every managed, created equal one nation under God, USA, USA,

we're number one type of mythology. But I digress. No need to extrapolate too much. I just like applying stories that have happened centuries ago to things that are happening now. But let's just let's look back at what we did learn today and learn something new before we move on to some amazing time sucker updates based on experiences in Vietnam with

today's top five takeaways. Merlin and Arthur, number one. Merlin and Arthur are the George Washington, Thomas Jefferson of England. That's certainly one thing we should take from this. This is part of the reason the legend is stuck. The British were also the most powerful empire in the world. Just a few centuries after these legends really got going just like in the US and probably most nations really we deify our founders and our and our founding seems to be part of the tribal nature of human DNA. We're number one. We have a magic

sword. We have a kick ass wizard and you don't have shit. Number two, Ron. Really? Who names a Lance Ron? I still keep thinking about that. Number three, we love wizards, magical swords and possible powers. Just about every culture on earth has had psychics or seers or profit shamans or warlocky wizards. Wizards are important. No matter how science, mind it and rational, we try to become. There is something in our very DNA that seems to lead us back to the supernatural. We want to believe it's what our brain does best. We seek patterns that match the world that we either want to see or want to believe in. As coldly analytical and skeptical as I can be here on time, suck, I do hope that we

as a species never totally lose our belief in magic and folklore. Number four, another takeaway from this suck is once again, the old telephone game has been played a ton. In every historical episode we've ever done, the hardest thing to do is find a cohesive timeline that is actually agreed upon. In the case of the Arthur legends, it's really hard to talk about exactly who

and the other characters were, because a lot of creative license was taken by a lot of people. Stories tend to change over time and that is certainly the case with the stories of Arthur. Number five, new information. We've talked about a few swords in Stone's day that are nothing more than folklore, but there really is an actual sword in the stone

in Italy today. When it's fucking crazy, it's been there since 12th century. Galgano Guidotti was born in 1148 in Tuscany after spending his youth as a wealthy knight in 1180. He decides to follow the words of Jesus and retires as a hermit. He begins to experience visions of the archangel Michael, leading him to God and the 12 apostles on the hill

of Mont-Cippie, Ciepe. And one vision Michael told Guidati to announce all of his earthly possessions. He responds that this would be as difficult as splitting a stone and to prove his point thrusts his sword into a rock. To his surprise, the sword goes through the impenetrable surface as though it was water. Shortly after an Aaron horse leads Guadati to the very hilltop that it appeared in his visions where he was moved to plant across. Not having any wood handy. He purges his sword again into some rock, just as he had in his vision, and it slides

in easily again, and then it remains there embedded until the present day. One year later, Guidatti dies in 1185, Pope Lucius III declares him a saint and the Montessiope chapel, build up around the sword, or build up around the sword that he put into that stone. Allegedly countless people have tried to steal this sword. Undesplayed the chapel are the mummified hands of a thief who tried to remove this sword and was alleged and holds suddenly slaughtered by wild wolves. I don't know if that, while only the hands of survived is unexplained. They do serve as a warning to would-be swords naturals.

They're still there today. I've seen a picture of these days, the sword is protected by a little shield, as well as the disembodied hands. While the sword was considered fake for years, recent studies examined the sword in the hands and the dating results, as well as metal and style of sword are all consistent with late 1100s early 1200s. While it is impossible to verify the sword's legendary history and all the details, it does match up with Saint. Galgona Guaditi's timeline and it does certainly appear to be

embedded in this stone. So how weird is all that? Google that if you need to see pictures for yourself of a real life sword in the stone. Time, suck, tough, swords, and more. Hope you enjoyed. Look into the legend. Nice addition to the suck catalog, I think. Big thanks to our space losers for voting in a topic that I don't think I would have sucked otherwise. I would have never learned all that. Big thanks to the time suck team. Thanks to the queen of the suck Lindsey comments, high preesis of the suck Harmony Velocamp, Jesse Gardy, and of Grammar Dobner, Reverend Dr. Joe Paisley, time suck high priest Alex Dugan, the guys of Bidelixer, Danger Brain, Axis

Apparel. Thanks to Heather, Knowledge Ninja, Rylander, for getting us started on the research, huge thanks to Zach's script keeper, Flannery, for his immense help on this suck. Huge thanks to Zach, Scripkeeper Flannery for his immense help on this suck. Next week, we return to darkness. Oh, do we ever? The weird darkness of Albert Fish. Albert Fish is known for being one of the, one of the violist pedophiles and child serial killers

and cannibals of all time after his capture. He admitted to molestin over 400 children, tortured and killed several others. And he was also just a huge pervert in ways. You will just have to listen to next week if you have the stomach for it. Just really into BDSM in the most ridiculous ways. He was a small, general looking man who appeared kind and trusting yet once alone with his victims, a strange monster inside of him was unleashed. A monster so perverse and cruel his crimes, they don't even seem real. A lot of nervous laughter in this one because it's just like, what?

his crimes, they don't even seem real. A lot of nervous laughter in this one. It's just like, what the fuck? What? Wow. He was eventually executed and based on his strong interest in BDSM extreme massacism. I think you might have enjoyed getting fried in electric chair.

Okay, excited now to move on to a very special Vietnam edition of the Time Sucker Updates. All of today's updates are Vietnam related. Hope you enjoy him as much as I have. Updates, get your time, sucker updates. This first update comes in from Island Ferris, who shares a lot of love and respect for his Vietnam vet grandfather.

You're right, he writes, this one is a long one, so I apologize in advance. The island says, ooh, Lord Succinton, he who sucks the sweet life nectar from the teeth of Nimrod, prays be upon you. I've been sucking with you since I first heard you on broadcast and have always been amazed the way you approach hard topics with such balanced perspective. The Vietnam War being such a polarized topic for some, I wanted to share the story of my grandfather who is a helicopter pilot in the war and know he wasn't just your ordinary pilot

My crazy ass grandpa flew rescue missions in a Huey Which means he would land in the middle of a firefight With only one co-pilot laying cover with a stock M16 fucking crazy on one particular mission You got a call to the group of our guys were pinned down on out number four to one and even after being told not to go because it would be a suicide mission he went anyways and didn't make just one trip he made four successful trips when he went back for his fifth trip he was shot down with an RPG hit the tail of his helicopter as he was spiraling towards the ground with his helicopter on fire he made the split second decision to jump but couldn't his chopper was so shot up he couldn't get

his cockpit door open enough to jump. There was a glass portal and the floor near his captain's seat that he threw his camera through so that he then could jump. He survived, spent three days in the jungle alone, crawling towards base with only his side arm. He had broken, he had a broken right leg and a 762 AK 47 round lodged in his left ankle. He took on his second mission. He never told anyone about. He never bragged or really ever talked about the war and the only reason I know this is that at his funeral, a man showed up to my family did not know.

He stood up and told us who my grandpa was. That man was one of the men that was saved that day. This guy told this story. He was only 18. It was only his fourth day in country. More of the story is my grandpa was a badass. He did three tours of non-flying rescue and was shot down four times.

I got his portrait tattooed in my arm and then he attached a photo. It was just beautiful. In 2015, six months before he died, I'm so happy I was able to show it to him and hold his hand hours before he passed away. He retired as Sergeant Major in the US Army was awarded multiple purple hearts, a silver star, distinguished flying cross, and many more medals.

Thanks for everything you do. And for creating the cold to curious future space lizard island, my parents were hippies and Ferris. Wow. Thank you for sharing that incredible tale. No Arthurian legend here. That's some real shit. Nice reminder that there are in fact real heroes out there walking amongst us.

Think about that the next time you're annoyed. Some older man is, you know, taking too long across the street. That dude that you're annoyed by that, that nice sweet looking grandpa might have been the baddest motherfucker in NAM in 1969. We have no idea what most of the people around us have done. This guy, this guy who never talked about it was a bonafide war hero. Next up is Matt Baker, who has another tale of how difficult of a war Vietnam really was what terrible sacrifices were made, and about being lucky enough to have known a kick-ass vet. Matt writes, hey, time suck,

thought I would share some of the time I got to spend with the favorite customer from my previous job. Mr. Williams was a marine sergeant who served in Vietnam for over a year, and would always talk about how much I looked like a member of his platoon. But he always did so without a smile and always sounded somber when he brought him up. I had the chance one day to ask him so he told me about going on one of their search and destroyer runs with the big guy, guy that looked like me on point. To hear the story told, they came across a boy walking to the jungle who looked ragged and emaciated. Big guy grabbed some of whatever food he had out

in his pockets and gave it to the boy. Or out of his pockets, the boy in turn reached in his bag, pulled out something, closed in both hands and placed it into big guy's hands and trotted off. It was grenade with the pin already pulled. It took off both his hands, half his face, and sent Shrapnel into his chest causing big guy to bleed out in the jungle. He told me through tears that the moment defined the conflict for him.

As much as he was proud to serve his country and do whatever was asked of him, it was obvious that no matter how much kindness and compassion they could show, they were not wanted or accepted there. It was hard to see a man three times my age choking back tears, talking about regrets from a lifetime ago, but I've always remembered the obviousness of the hardships and entire generation faced, welling up in the eyes of a man, that it showed me nothing but kindness as much as kindness had cost him. Sorry, that's a little wordy, but I heard Mr. Williams passed about four years ago, and

the suck sure brought up some good memories of him. Thanks for the outlet and prayers for all from a loyal sucker. Holy shit, man, man, thank you. What an intense tale. What a terrible way for someone to die. And I'm so glad that this suck brought back some fond memories of Mr. Williams for you. And man, hopefully he is resting in peace right now. Another personal Vietnam tale comes to us from a time-sucker named Drake,

a tale that again illustrates how a war can haunt a man. Drake writes, greetings, Mr. Cummins, Lord of all, did his suck. Wanted to start off by saying the Vietnam war suck was gripping and I'm sad it was only two hours long. You were asking at the end for stories of vets of the war. A close family friend of mine was drafted into the war himself. Sadly, he isn't the greatest with technology, but I wanted to share what I know for that human element. His name is Rich W. I want to respect his privacy so that's all I can give. He was drafted into service and sent to the jungles with a rifle.

He was around 18 to 20 at the time and sadly I don't know when he got back. From what my grandpa's told me he and Rich used to go hunting, camping and fishing all the time before the war. Rich was an amazing shot, loved the outdoors, very full of life, and a very funny person. When Rich got back, everything was different. He stopped camping for roughly 15 years. The annual trip he my grandpa started, he no longer continued. After those years, he did start joining the first day of the trip and leaving that evening.

It was about a three hour drive there and three hours back. After a few more years, he invested in a blow-up air mattress and was able to camp again. He vowed never to sleep on the ground again when he got home from Vietnam. Rich was also silent. He didn't make jokes anymore. He didn't talk much at all. I honestly couldn't tell you if I had ever heard more than 50 words out of his mouth in the eight years I attended that camping trip. He would just sit back and listen to everyone else. Not to say he was rude, he would always answer and speak with people, but not often on his own accord. The biggest change in him, the one I saw firsthand, was his attitude towards guns.

Before the war, he was a hunter. When he got back and even to this day, he has never touched a single gun. He sold all his hunting rifles and shotguns and will not hunt on camping trips. Rich took the same vow with guns that he took about not sleeping on the ground. The account I saw was someone was loading a shotgun to go hunting. They leaned the gun against the car, a safe distance away from the camp and walked back for whatever reason. The shotgun began to fall. Rich was next to it. Instead of reaching down and stopping it from falling, he stepped the side and let it hit the ground. Everyone looked saw what happened and just asked if he was okay. No one was mad,

they understood why he wouldn't touch it. The only thing I know about him in the war because he would never talk about it, and this was from my grandpa, was that Rich would have to clear tunnels. I can only imagine the hell that was those tunnel systems and what he had to do. I'm sorry there isn't more info I can give. I had only known Rich for about 10 years before his health kept him from coming around as much. He's a good man. It's sad to hear about the life that was destroyed over in Vietnam. Thank you for your time and thank you for all the great knowledge you share once a week. Have a great day, week, month, keep on suck and hail,

Luciferina, Drake. Well, thank you, Drake and Holy Shitman, clearing tunnels. Hell on earth. I can't imagine. Clearly doing what he do or what he had to do took a took an enormous psychological toll on him. You know, I hope I hope you always knew that there were people like me who had enormous respect and gratitude for the sacrifices you made. I don't know if that would made a difference. I guess, you know, you doesn't matter. People appreciate or not. Some memories, you know, I'm sure you just you just can't erase and they just they just haunt you. Another family badass veteran tale from Jacob Davis, who writes, saying,

suck master Dan, my grandpa retired from the Marines as a master sergeant was a badass warrior in Vietnam. He did two tours, one in 67, another year later in 68, and received a purple heart. The Viet Cong shot at him with an RPG, and the explosion was so close,

a piece of shrapnel about the size of a golf ball went deep into his leg. After he died this past December, my grandpa, grandma grandma gave me the shrapnel that he kept all those years. I can send you a picture if you want to see it. He didn't speak of his time in Vietnam often and when he did it was brief. The few times he did, he spoke about being shot out, ambushed, fighting hand to hand, and getting wounded.

My dad has my grandpa's a K-bar, which was the marine-issued issued combat knife and it is covered in bloodstains. Wow. He never said more because it always brought him to tears. He definitely faced horrors and had to do things I can't imagine. He carried that pain strong like a true stoic. He was the baddest mother fucker I knew and my father figure. His name was Jackie James Davis. It means a lot to me to see the way you factually talked about the Vietnam War and it would mean a lot to him Thank you for the sucking all the awesome stuff and hail Nimrod your fan Jacob Davis Well, thank you Jacob and rest in peace master Sergeant Jackie James Davis No need to send that pick Jacob the story was enough man Insane what people again walking amongst us have seen and experienced have had to do to survive

Thank you for for bringing some from record first yeah for bringing some recognition to another unsung hero. Switching it up now for a different perspective on Vietnam, sending it by Miz Evergreen. She writes, nice work on your Vietnam episode. I'm sure it took a ton of research, but you broke it down well and the timeline always helps. I am teaching in Cambodia right now, and this info really helps to put things in context. The recent history of genocide is still deeply felt here. Today I saw the first elderly monk I've seen since I arrived.

I read that something like half the country's population is under 18. As present as it all is, it's still far beyond my imagination to conceive of the horrors that happen here. To think of what so many people, anyone just a couple years older than me, live through, and the trauma they must be carrying is just astonishing. One thing I was surprised you didn't mention was the link between agent orange and its manufacturer, Mon Santo Bayer, legal issues.

Now, just, you know, it's too hard to get into. I only fit so much info in one of those episodes, but just as in the case of the premiere Rouge, few of any of those responsible for agent orange have been held accountable for in one of those episodes. But just as in the case of the Camille Rouge, few of any of those responsible for Asian Orange have been held accountable for the thousands of brutal deaths. In fact, how many former employees of Monsanto went on to work for the EPA and USDA, Yikes.

So in a way, they make Paul Pot and his cadre of lunatics look a bit like caveman in comparison, Sad but true, but hey, resilience is the most important thing on planet earth. Camille food is amazing. People are so kind and friendly and the land is gorgeous beyond belief. I hope more people in the West can come to be educated about the US secret bombing campaign and how that paved the way for the rise of radical, bass, awkward, KR extremist to take

over and eviscerate the population with primitive control tactics and heavy foreign firepower. Dang it. This was supposed to be a quick note. Anyway, I do certainly enjoy your show. Thanks for your hard work. Keep on sucking. Thank you, Ms. Evergreen. Appreciate you letting us know about how the effects of that war, obviously still being felt over in that part of the world, being felt in Vietnam and neighboring nations today, not just veterans over here that are suffering, a lot of suffering still going on over there because of that conflict and got to do a poll pot up still one of these days.

So many interesting topics out there, too many to choose from. Next up is Josh Taylor who shares his father's Vietnam story with us all. Josh writes, just listen to your Vietnam war episode last night at work and have to say you did a damn good job. You mentioned wanting to hear from Vietnam veterans. I thought I'd chime in with my own father's experience in the war. He was a 21 year old plumber when he received his draft notice on he and my mom's first year wedding anniversary. Oh man. Upon graduating basic training, he was selected for medic school. He was extremely happy about this

as he wasn't going to be a grunt like everyone else. Little did he know that medics go out into the field with the infantry. Upon arriving at Vietnam, he became a combat medic. He was stationed out of Kucy, a city mentioned on your podcast with the 25th Infantry Division, who you also mentioned on your podcast. Over the next 3366 days, it was a leap year, you got an extra day in Vietnam, he saw extensive combat. He carried a shotgun because the early M16s were so unreliable and the area they were fighting was covered in dense bamboo. Once I became older, me and my dad became hunting buddies so eventually after a few drinks around the campfire, I'd ask him questions I'd always been curious about.

He never spoke of the war at all until he became older. I once asked him if he thought he would survive the war. He told me there was no doubt in his mind that he was a dead man walking in Vietnam. That's intense. I asked him how close he'd been physically to other people who were killed. He said men were killed directly to his left and right. He once was in a situation so dire that he actually had to call in artillery on top of their own position.

This means that death is imminent and you hope and pray you somehow survive the onslaught of death from above. You read the letter of the soldier talking about going to Hawaii to meet his wife on R&R. My dad being married was given this option as well. They'd fly your spouse to Hawaii and you'd meet them there. He declined, however. Due to how many people he'd seen come back to Vietnam after R&R and end up dead in a week or two. Their minds were still on the world and their loved ones and they dropped their guard. My dad isn't always will be my hero. It saddens my heart. There were no parades for those courageous boys who didn't even want to go to war. They were drafted, not given sufficient training, sent off to hell itself. And they had to wait 30 years to finally

hear people thank them for their service. To this day, the only people I've heard my dad speak up with hatred are LBJ and Jane Fonda. He came home burned as uniform didn't talk about it again until his nosy pesky son me started asking questions Thank you for doing Vietnam veterans justice in this episode of justice. They didn't get for years after surviving hell Keep on sucking Josh from Texas. Wow. Yeah, powerful story Josh I'm sad he didn't get a parade either. I mean your dad and other spot just as bravely as men didn't world war two They didn't get to pick the context of their war. They were just drafted like millions of other men have been drafted over the years. Glad he made it back.

Another grandpa tale now from Caleb Fagura. Caleb writes, dear Mr. Suckmaster 1.0, great leader of the space, lizard army, bringer of truth and all things, sucky savior of the month of sucker. I absolutely love the Vietnam Suck. A group of stories from my grandpa Kenny about it. He always told me about how he tried to join the Air Force when they started up the draft to take the easy way out. He always said, but he drug his feet and was drafted as a combat engineer in the army. A story that always stuck with me and what I think would also be interesting to you took place

basically right after he arrived in Vietnam. He had been on patrol in the morning hours looking for mines and other explosives, the enemy had possibly dug up and placed on to pass the GI's would normally take. He always mentioned how he would tape his dog tags together so they wouldn't make noise when navigating through the jungle, but the clacking of guns and heavy boots tripping over down trees and other foliage couldn't have been any quieter. They had stopped for a brief rest and started off again when the entire tree line ahead of them lit up, everyone dropped a returned fire into the woodline and then silence. No birds, no bugs, nothing making noise. He said it was so quiet he could

hear his buddies heartbeat next to him, not a single person was blinking. As fast as it started, it was over and then he said, we picked up our shit and moved on and then he laughed. And I remember thinking, what the up our shit and moved on. And then he laughed. And I remember thinking, what the fuck? When I was 16 sitting in his house, sharing a joint and watching Twilight Zone. Yes, the old bastard's still parties. Ha ha. Anyway, just thought you'd like to read a story I fucking love your show. And I'm very proud to be a space or keep on sucking.

Give Bojangles a good head scratching for me. Yes, praise Bojangles. And can't imagine someone going through stuff like that, Caleb. I've been in the woods a ton and it's such a place of peace for me. Yes, praise with jangles and can't imagine someone going through stuff like that, Caleb. I've been in the woods a ton and it's such a place to peace for me. So lucky to never have had to worry about just being lit. The fuck up at any second. Again, like I said, I'm during the episode, but no wonder there's so much PTSD from that war. Glad he made it back as well. And now a tale from Eric Stoffer who wants to let everyone know how bad ass his J-R-O-T-C assistant army instructor was Eric Wrights.

Hi Dan, absolutely loved the show and I've been an avid listener since episode one. Oh wow, thanks for being a long time listener. I've been to both of your grand rapid shows, absolutely loved it, looking forward to your returning later this year. Just finished the Vietnam suck, you did an amazing job, it was incredibly entertaining and I learned a thing or two. You asked people to email you if they had experience with fighting or protesting, well, my old Gerald TC assistant army instructor, Sergeant Major Adams. He was an amazing man who taught me a lot. He was the first man who taught me to shoot and later

coach my marksmanship team to a state championship. On one of these trips, he told us about Vietnam and the one firefight he was involved in that haunted him to the grave. He was patrolling through rice paddies when a sniper bullet struck his ruck sack and knocked him to the ground, gunfire erupted around him and his squad, they stepped into an ambush.

They fell back to some wooded area and held their ground in the dense forest after hours of fighting, he attempted to regroup and make sure his men were okay. One man was MIA. Once they realized he was missing, they began searching the surrounding jungles and known VC hideouts hours later that missing soldier, and this is going to be very graphic, was found tied to a tree with barbed wire and shot multiple times as though he had been used

for target practice. His body had been mutilated and desecrated. Sergeant Major Adams blamed himself for his death and suffered from major PTSD. Years after high school, I learned that his mental state had deteriorated rapidly and he was being detained by police for calling him bomb threats to local businesses. He said he was trying to save people

from a box of live grenades. Fuck. He died a few years ago, and I can only help he was able to forgive himself. I still have an old message from him where he congratulated me on winning my first target shooting competition. Apologies for the long message,

but wanted to share that with you and your team, thanks, Eric Stoffer. Man, thank you, Eric. Whew, good thing to think about when you see a homeless vet too, you know, maybe not so fast with the lazy bum type thoughts. Maybe they saw some shit that would have fucking completely wrecked your mind as well. Hopefully did finally find some peace. So,

yeah, so rest in peace, Sergeant Major Adams. Another tale of Vietnam service comes in from Jason Scott, who shares his father's story. Jason writes, dear Sergeant Suck and the Bojangles Army, third triple M division, Lucifina Company. Thanks to the Vietnam Suck, it's still very personal, it's a lot of listeners and I feel like you handled it with a great deal of diplomacy and not too much humor that could have taken away from the reality of it. My dad served in the Army near the end of the conflict in the 82nd Airborne Division, so Vietnam lived in my home for my whole life. He wouldn't shy from talking about it with me and I learned a lot from his perspective. I don't

want to go on too long, but I want to share just a little bit of his hard earned wisdom. He objected to veterans being called hero not, or excuse me, he objected to veterans being called a hero just for signing up. And he always made a point to remind me that sometimes people weren't brave. Saying, son, sometimes they're just stupid and sometimes they are just run into their own grave on purpose. He volunteered because he didn't want to suck hind teeth in the regular army and got in the 82nd. His dad sounds like a fucking Chuck Norris tough mother fuck despite being an improvvers rural kid from the South, he understood some of the political wrangling behind the scenes Vietnam and knew it was a shit show going in throughout his life. He

always said that he knew Kissinger, LBJ, etc. took advantage of the mostly poor soldiers and the war was about freeing up market space at its heart. But he and Arden Patriot always said that even if all they did was make life a little more tolerable for one Vietnamese kid, it was all worth it. He said that he never felt he was fighting for the president or for Congress, but for the ideals of freedom and democracy and that any amount of bloodshed was worth it if it meant people could have a chance of freedom. Sadly Vietnam became what it did,

but I know that hard bastards like my old man believes in a greater cause and we're willing to lay it all on the line for it. If nothing else comes out of it, I hope the experience of Vietnam serves as a sad reminder of the human cost of advancing political agendas and the lives of our vets can remain

a daily reminder of the debt we owe them for their selfless service. Even if they are Polish. Or in the Air Force, new listener, that's a call back to small jokes. Anyhow, thanks for a sobering suck. My dad passed last year, and this reminded me of him, and I hope some other vets out there know

that despite the political fuckery surrounding the, surrounding the war, we appreciate all those willing to serve our country no matter what. To our vets, my Lucifina be ever so merciful in her temptations and my bow jangles bite the ass of our enemies. Yours and sucking humble spaces are Jay Scott. Man, thank you, Jay, for such a poignant message. And rest in peace, Mr. Scott, love the way your dad rationalized the service, Jay.

Perfectly. He fought for freedom. Fought for his own notion of freedom and spreading that and didn't care about the politics that surrounds it. Okay, time for two more tales. I told you this is going to be a big one. First the two comes from Rochelle. Oh man, Rochelle, you got a tricky ass name.

Stikiti. Okay. I know you didn't pick it. Rochelle Stikiti who writes in with a subject line of fuck Vietnam and shares a tale of her father. Rochelle writes, Hey Dan, quick Vietnam story for you. My father was born in 1951, was drafted just days after his 18th birthday in 1969. For years he'd watched numerous other young men in his hometown of Dodge, City, Kansas,

be sent over for the war, including two of his older brothers. He went off to boot camp in Georgia, or maybe Texas and said, they would decide who set up the mess hall and who cleaned up the mess hall by lining us all up and having us count off. One, two, etc. He said this was a common practice for breaking up the men it was used for all situations, including deciding who was to be stationed in Germany and who was going to be shipped to Vietnam.

His words were, if I had been a two that day, I would have died. He knew many of the men who were the unlucky twos, the regiment, those men were a part of was completely obliterated in Vietnam, not a single one survived. Wow. My father was stationed in Germany for two years and immediately upon getting back to Kansas and rolled in college to avoid further service, he was one of five young men drafted from Dodge City to make it home alive. I visited Washington DC with him last summer. He had never been, never had the chance to see the Vietnam Memorial before, took the

time to find all the names and pay individual respect to all those who he knew who weren't as lucky as he was. Before that trip, he had never talked to me about his army experience. In 27 years of life, all I knew was that he was stationed in Germany during Vietnam. He definitely believes that the military conflict was nothing more than a giant fucked up hamburger hill. I've included a picture of my dad at the memorial pointing to a classmate's name, as well as a picture of the memorial as a whole, and one more of him smiling to lighten up the

mood, your loyal spaces of Rochelle. Well, thank you, Rochelle. Thank you for the pictures. They are wonderful. Crazy to think how close he came to not making a home alive. You know, just just random chance. Crazy to think how close you came to not existing. Glad you both made it to that memorial.

I have seen it and it is definitely on-spiring and that's for someone who has no personal connection to it. Last message, another perspective on Vietnam. Veteran Tara Snyder sent in a message titled, shot down during a ceasefire, South Vietnamese pilot. This is kind of a nice one to end on. Tara writes,

dear Suck Master Flex, I just finished the Vietnam more suck. And as a bit of a history in Vietnam more buff, I loved it. I wanted to write you however to share some perspective from the South Vietnamese Air Force pilot. In 2002, I enlisted in the Army National Guard was assigned to an aviation unit. At that time, there were a, yeah, thank you for your service. At that time, there were a small handful of Vietnam era pilots still floating around the flight facility. One of those pilots was a South Vietnamese man named Chief Warren Officer Chu Lee. I took advantage of Mr.

Lee's friendliness and openness several times during one of my conversation with Mr. Lee, I asked, how many times were you shot down? He casually said only four times. That's what's fucking crazy. That's four times. I shut down. Then continue by stating how the first time he was shot down was during the ceasefire in 1972. His casual demeanor to the question still stuns me to this day. But I'm not writing you just to share that story. It is actually his story of how he came to the US permanently than I want to share. He flew UH1 or Huey helicopters throughout the war. He was flying this helicopter on a mission when it came across the radio that sIgon had fallen at the south with surrender. He suddenly found himself without a home or a country.

He landed his helicopters airbase at Sochtchtrong located 50 miles off the coast. He knew if he stayed in Vietnam, he would be treated as a traitor and he'd be killed or sent to reeducation camp. He knew the US Navy 7 fleet was somewhere in the South China Sea, but there was no guarantee he could make the flight with the amount of fuel on board. Seeing no other option, he turned on his helicopter prepared to take off, at that moment his helicopter was fluttered with other people wanting to escape the communist regime.

He recalled that when he took off, his helicopter was alerting him that it had too much weight on board, but he ignored the lights. He saw no other option for himself and headed out into the abyss. With only 20 minutes of fuel left, he was able to make contact with an aircraft carrier who guided him to a safe landing. As soon as Mr. Lee landed and everyone was off the aircraft, the carrier ship crew pushed the helicopter into the ocean to make room for the next helicopter trying to land. There are still hundreds of aircrafts sitting at the bottom of the ocean due to the mass exodus of people from South Vietnam. Here is a link

to a longer interview. Okay, thank you for sharing that. And total nearly 138,000 refugees fled Vietnam to seek refuge in the US and other countries around the world. I have an entire 20 page paper somewhere regarding the US handling of the Vietnamese refugees, but I won't bore you with those details. Details. Also, if you're ever curious to read a first hand account

of what it was like to grow up in South Vietnam, I recommend reading the book, A Thousand Falling, the true story of a Vietnamese family torn apart by war communism, the CIA, written by young crawl. Ms. Crawl's father supported the North, her mother supported the South, Ms. Crawl would marry a U.S. Air Force pilot, move the U.S. prior to the end of the war. She would work alongside the CIA and FBI to gain intelligence through her father who became the communist Vietnam's ambassador to the Soviet Union, or excuse me, in the Soviet Union.

Sarv as long as I just really wanted to mention the South Vietnamese men, women and children who fled their homeland, Tara Snyder. Well, thank you, Tara. What a nice message to illustrate what soldiers were fighting for over there, to free people, many of whom clearly did not want to live in a communist regime. And like one of the veterans we mentioned here today, spoke of, to me, that makes the involvement in the war definitely morally justifiable. Thanks to all of you who sent in your tales,

that's a great personal touch to the topic, that just reading history reports just can't do, just makes it so much more real. Thanks to all of you who have served in that war or in any other, sorry if your message did not get read, we were flooded with tons of Vietnam messages being sent our way this past week, Thank you all for watching and I need a net. We all did. Thanks for listening to another show, suckers. Appreciate the support.

Have a great week. Hope you find a magical sword. If you do, I mean, it would be kind of nice to get it for me, for my, you know, for my next birthday, May 17th, 2000. You know, 2020, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna beg for magic sword, but clearly my fucking family is not gonna give it to me.

So, you know, it's way to think about that. And I guess price, price, keep on sucking as well. Can you please just give me a fucking sword that will kill everyone? that will kill everyone.