Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 142 - Darwin Awards and Evolution

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

The Darwin Awards! Meatsacks removing themselves from being able to procreate or from the planet entirely in the most easily avoidable ways. Natural selection at work! We make light of a lot of death today, and also use this topic as an excuse to look into evolution theory and the man who put it on the map - Charles Darwin. Is evolution more than just "a theory"? Can we prove it worked? Did we really evolve from monkeys? Did a guy in Australia really try to kill a tiger with his bare hands after some karate lessons? Did a guy accidentally kill himself by pounding two bottles of sherry via his "mouth butt"? We're all over the place today on another edition of Timesuck! Happy Murder Tour Standup dates: (full calendar at dancummins.tv) June 7-8th Omaha, NE The Funny Bone CLICK HERE for tix! June 13-15th Raleigh, NC Charlie Goodnight's CLICK HERE for tix! Listen to the best of my standup on Spotify! (for free!) https://spoti.fi/2Dyy41d Timesuck is brought to you by the following sponsors: Indochino: Get any premium Indochino suit for $359 at Indochino.com when entering TIMESUCK at checkout Great Courses Plus: Get a FREE month of unlimited access to their entire library when you sign up now at TheGreatCoursesPLUS.com/TIMESUCK Watch the Suck on Youtube: https://youtu.be/0SJTNQ2pU7U Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG, @timesuckpodcast on Twitter, and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna become a Space Lizard? We're almost 5000 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits.

No one gets to cheat death, at least not in this world. Best case, you die of the death of your choice. For me, now I'm just fading away after a sound night's sleep, my old age, when I still have my health, mental faculties, that sounds pretty good. Just a nice rest that just kind of peacefully fades into death. Worst case, you end up as a Darwin Award winner for doing something stupid, reckless, just otherwise totally unnecessary that takes you out of the gene pool before you ever needed to leave.

Actually, to win a Darwin Award, you don't have to die. You can also needlessly castrate or otherwise sterilize yourself in some horrific fashion. The Darwin Awards are a tongue-in-cheek honor originating an old, used net news group discussions around 1985 the awards recognize individuals who contribute to evolutionary Natural selection by removing themselves from the gene pool the Darwin Awards website is launched in 1993 It has been celebrating cartoonishly unnecessary death ever since and we're gonna look at several ridiculous winners slash losers today We're also gonna look at evolution itself today, is it really just a theory?

We'll give an overview of Charles Fother Revolution Darwin's life. We'll even take a peek into the premise of Mike Judge's cult classic film, Idiocracy, has removing natural evolutionary deaths from the human species, via medical and technological innovations created an anti-evolution trend that will eventually

lead to a world full of idiots. Is our collective human IQ heading downhill? Because the least successful and educated humans amongst us seem to oftentimes breed the most. Little blend of knowledge and dark humor today, I guess that's always the recipe, really, here at Timesuck. Hope you enjoy our take on how not to die and how evolution is supposed to help keep you alive today on Time Suck.

Happy Monday Time Suckers. Work and wait. Time for time suck. Hope you're enjoying June. Years flying by. Dan Kalman's a master sucker. He who doesn't care for Albert Fish's peanut butter. He who does enjoy bananas more than the average meat sack. And you are listening to time suck.

He'll Nimrod. He'll lose to feed a praiseable jangles and glory. Be to triple M. Record in the suck dungeon with Reverend Dr Joe motherfucking Paisley and script keeper Zach Flannery. And we're loving the summer weather, taking lunch breaks outside. You ready for summer? Summer has hit the suck dungeon for sure. Flowers are in bloom.

Trees have leaves, lawns are green here in Corte Lane, Idaho, hail summer. And just in time for summer, we're selling a limited edition pint glass set featuring four 16 ounce glasses each printed with an access apparel designed original time suck insect or other critter. While I love our t-shirts, we know that many of you just don't want t-shirts. We hope this is an enjoyable non-shirt item for you. The deadly head eating, ombre, assosino ants, the poisonous eyelid lifting,

Roanoke recluse spider, the pesky North American land crab, capable of flying short distances, like a small little helicopter in the original, the West Caribbean sea chicken, living under the water and laying underwater eggs off the coast of Florida. 35 dollars for the set, same price as the last limited edition pint glass set that sold out fast. These glasses are perfect for making. The miracle elixir known as ormus. I don't know if all of you,

the space lizards are for herd of ormus. Maybe not all of you time suckers have. But basically, you don't need medicine anymore. You just, you just make ormus and it just cures every, it can regrow limbs. Everything, just ask the people who sell it. You don't even have to infuse these glasses with positive energy. Normally you get to spend a lot of time infusing glasses with positive energy to make your armistice. No, our glasses are pre-infused with 300%

pure positive energy. Grab a set today, raise them high when you toast, long live the suck. But I hope you check them out in the time suck store. Got some upcoming summer tour dates as well. Hope you had fun in Jacksonville last weekend. This was recorded before that trip. Look forward to making it to Omaha this weekend. Reminds me of the county crow song every time I say it. And I still love the August and everything after album. And I know a lot of you don't.

Feels like I get shit for liking it every time I mention it. But you know what, Adam Dirtz, if you're listening to this, I fuck a love every song you've ever written, and I think you're musical genius. Next week, I'll be in Raleigh, North Carolina, and then I'm taking a mid-summer vacation with my family. After I get back, and by my family, I mean, there's this hot lady I met on the web

and some other kids I get a borrow. Just take a, you know, I'm just getting a little break from life here in Coraline. Keen! You can imagine. I should tell Lindsey that, yeah, hey, I'm just getting a little break from life here in court of lane. Kidding! Can you imagine? I should tell Lindsey that. Yeah, hey, I listen about a vacation. Just hear me out.

I met a nice lady on the internet and she has a couple of kids. What if I swap your ticket and the kids tickets for them? Just, just to shake shit up. No, I don't want to do that. I'm looking forward to hanging out with Lindsey the kids. And then after I get back from vacation, I'm going to be in Cincinnati doing shows in July and August. I'll be all over the place.

Charlotte, Richmond or Lando, Los Angeles, San Diego. Woohoo! That's the summer traveling to summary places. Now, let's get back to the show. Today on Time, it's like we're going to laugh in the face of death, which won't be that hard to do because it's not our death we're be laughing at. I'm strongly guessing it is way harder to laugh in the face of death if it is your own death

than it is to laugh at others. Also guessing, easier to laugh at death when you're not in a place where you feel like you could die at any moment. I don't wanna find out at any time, so I don't wanna test this hypothesis. Happy to live in a safe American neighborhood where knowing that I know of is just being just you know, raped and pillaged by fucking ransackers or anything else crazy happening. I don't hear any bombs going off in the streets.

I enjoy it. We're going to take a long look at some of the most interesting Darwin award recipients that we could find on the inner webs. And if you don't like dark humor, we can get the fuck out of here. This isn't your episode. This show isn't your show. And if you don't like dark humor, we can get the fuck out of here. This isn't your episode. This show isn't your show. Why are you even listing to any of this? Before we look at the Darwin Awards, a topic chosen by our Patreon Space Lizards, by the way,

hailed the Space Lizards. Thanks for allowing us to make donations every month. I have it at this recording, picked out, locked down the June award. I think I know what it is. I don't want to say that in case we change our minds. But we're going to be given over over $2,200 to a new charity. But anyway, the space that was picked this topic, and in addition to just Darwin Award

winners, which was the pick, we're also going to look at Charles Darwin, his theory of evolution, give the awards a bit of context. And it's just a fun excuse to use the awards to learn more about evolution. I was excited to look into it, because I really haven't in a long, long time. So let's get to some learning. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

So this isn't going to take very long to talk about the theory of evolution. What is it? Well, in short, it is one of BL's above many, many lies. And if you fall for his evolution, man from Monkey Trek, ha ha. We'll have fun burning and hell you fucking piece of shit. So that's settled. Moving along. Let's get to the awards.

No. That one person listening was like yes yes finally finally we agree uh... no kidding but some people do truly feel that way agreed to disagree the theory of evolution by natural selection was first formulated in Charles Darwin's book on the origin of species in eighteen fifty nine the process by which organisms change over time as a result of changes in

heritable, physical or behavioral traits, changes that allow an organism to better adapt to its environment so it can stay alive. This is all about staying alive. Changes that will help it survive and you know, have more offspring. Evolution by Natural Selection, one of the best substantiated theories in the entire history of science supported by evidence from a wide variety of scientific disciplines, including paleontology, geology, genetics, developmental biology, Brian Richmond Curator of Human Origins at the American Museum of Natural History in New

York City, aka Captain Smarty Pants, states that the theory has two main points. All life on earth is connected and related to each other. He says, and the diversity of life is a product of modifications of populations by natural selection where some traits were favored in an environment over others. The theory is sometimes described as survival of the fittest, but that can be a bit misleading in the context of evolution fittest doesn't refer to an organism's strength or athletic ability. It refers to its ability to survive and reproduce. I just had the weirdest stop up in my head that if it really was like survival of just a fittest and we were just like a fucking race of bodybuilders.

Just everyone is just a different size of bodybuilder. Just what a weird human landscape that it looked like. Great example of evolutionary natural selection. In recent action is illustrated by the changing color of the UK's peppered moth. Queen the Suck Lindsey and I had a fun conversation about this at our night. It was a little interesting trivia we both found. The peppered moth is widespread and Britain

in Ireland and frequently found in everyday UK back gardens. Totally ordinary, look a little flying bug, nothing special, but it has a pretty special backstory. Peppered moss are normally white with black speckles across their wings, that color pattern is what led to its name. This particular patterning has kept it nice and camouflaged against the liking covered tree trunks that like to kick its little moss feet up on during the day and it has been doing that for centuries. Sometimes

it naturally occurring genetic mutation gives some of these gross little moths almost completely black wings. And I say gross because moths are one of the fucking creepiest bugs out there to me. Do not care for them. I don't like their erratic little herky jerky little flying motion. I don't like how heavy they feel when they can touch you. And I especially don't like there's squishy little bodies and the weird moth dust that gets everywhere if you do squish them. I don't like how much guts they have. Give me the heebie jeebies. Don't like how they make me think of moth man and how gross that creature would be if

you would just a fucking big squishy sack of moth dust. Duh, I'm getting way off track. Anyways, some moths are born with black coloring, not white with black speckles, that little genetic abnormality. And these moths stand out on the trees, the species prefer to chill the fuck out on. And then up getting eaten by birds and other predators at a much, much higher rate than they were traditionally peppered moth bros and moth sisters. So usually bad luck to be born with that little variation.

However, in the 19th century, and this is, yeah, going back to England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, this is where this variation was noticed. In the 19th century, British folk living in increasingly densely populated towns and cities started noticing a lot more black moths and a lot fewer of the normally peppered variety. Turns out industrialization, domestic coal fires, had created an enormous amount of

sooty air pollution, which had killed off a lot of the lichens, blackened urban tree trunks and walls. So now suddenly it was the pale form of the moth that was the most obvious to predators. Are the darker form of the moth just happened to now be better camouflaged more likely to survive and produce offspring. As a result over successive generations, the black moths came to vastly outnumber the pale forms in UK towns and cities. This was observed by many, many, many, many people written about all kinds of stuff. Since moths are short lived, the peppered moth has an average lifespan of around eight to nine months. This evolution by natural selection happened quite quickly. Generation after generation was able to happen in a short period of time to show how quickly things changed. The first black peppered moth

was recorded in Manchester, right? Manchester UK of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America,

and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United States of America, and the United 20th century, controls were introduced to reduce air pollution and as the air quality improved, tree trunks became cleaner, liking growth increased. Once again, the normal pale pepper moths were camouflaged and the black forms were more noticeable. And then the situation in urban areas has again become the same as in the countryside less pollution. And now normal pale pepper moths are far more common than the black version of the

moth. So natural selection has been working in both directions on the species in the past few centuries. Always favoring the moth best suited to its current environmental conditions. Another even more recent example of evolution in action involves New England blue mussels. Now, beginning in 1991, a non-native creature, the Asian shore crab, showed up on the shores of New England, and these new crabs happened to find blue muscles to be absolutely delicious. Asian crabs gobble up blue muscles like Albert Fish,

used to slurp up peanut butter. Show me, it's my day, that's how they do it in Hollywood. Well, in August of 2006, two researchers from the University of New Hampshire, Aaron Freeman, James Byers, announced that the blue muscle had evolved defenses against the new predator in just 15 years. Compared to the million plus year time scale, we tend to think of when it comes to evolution. This is incredible. The blue muscle in a decade and a half built up a measurably thicker shell, making it nearly

impossible for Asian crabs to crack and eat them. Right? Crack their shells and eat them. In areas New England where the Asian crab has still not made it, mussel, muscle, yeah, shell thickness has remained unchanged. Only the mussels with abnormally thick shells survived in the areas of the Asian crabs, right? And then they're offspring with a thick of shells survived and reproduced and so on and so on and so on, quickly thickening their shells. Pretty amazing. My own family tree actually is an interesting example of evolution. I haven't talked about this before,

but a lot of the women in my family, and by a lot, I mean, nearly all of the women in my family have, and I can't stress this enough, enormous vaginas. My great, great, grandmother was actually known in town as elephant pus. All the women, my mom, grandma, sister, all super wide, but China's loose, extremely deep based on what I've been told by other relatives.

And this has been going on, according to an uncle who looked into it for centuries. And the only men who could reproduce with these giant cavern holders have been dudes with gigantic, super long, incredibly thick thick winters. And that is why my penis is gigantic. I'm, of course, I'm kidding. I don't know why that made me last so hard is my sister listens to time suck and I just can't wait for her to hear that one. Cannot wait. There's also the evolutionary example of the American Southwest, Asacino, Ombre and 50 years ago, they were a minimal threat. And I don't even talk to about them.

But then recently they became powerful enough to eat people's fucking heads out for shoulders, right? And nursing homes like I talked about when I made them up for the first time in the Pedro Lopez suck. So maybe that's not a great example of evolution either. I'm done for now with my horse shit. The first two creatures I listed really are great examples of species evolving over time in order to survive.

And there's hundreds of other examples of evolution happening pretty quickly. There's an immense number of examples of species evolving over millennia. Many, many, many examples. Evolution is real, even though a lot of people don't believe it. Mostly because it seems to oppose certain religious kind of creation stories, and also because of the word theory. Evolution is called a theory, but that's a misleading moniker. A theory is defined as a supposition or a system of ideas intended to explain something,

especially one based on general principles independent of the thing to be explained. And something that can be close to a fact, but not quite a fact. It's just not quite there. According to the National Academy of Sciences, a scientific theory, such as evolution, is a well-substantial explanation of some aspect of the natural world that can incorporate facts, laws, inferences,

and tested hypothesis. No amount of validation can change a theory into a law, but that doesn't mean it's not widely accepted as being true. When scientists talk about the theory of evolution or the atomic theory or the theory of relativity, they're not expressing reservations about the theory's truth. They're not hedging their bets. I think that's worth pointing out. The science-tipic community is not thinking, I mean, maybe, maybe evolution is real.

They think it's for sure real. They think based on millions of years of research and totality being conducted by thousands and thousands of scientists over decades from all across the globe, the evolution is a thousand percent real. And they would say a hundred percent because a thousand percent doesn't make any sense. But you know what I mean?

And that's why the science community gets a little more than annoyed whenever it suggested that creationism should be taught in public schools alongside the theory of evolution. Because some people think, yeah, well, one theory versus another, right? Not right. It's religion versus science. The theory of creationism, where the earth is roughly six to 10,000 years old, is based only on biblical interpretations, backed by zero science.

The theory of evolution, where we evolve from monkeys, is backed by virtually all of science. You don't get a doctorate in biology by starting off your doctoral thesis by writing, I understand that the argument for evolution and natural selection, I get what it is. However, God said, no, that doesn't work in the scientific world. And I don't say that to be inflammatory. Believe whatever you want, believe whatever you want. And according to a recent 2014 study, four out of ten Americans do believe in creationism over evolution. Just know just know where your belief is based.

That's all I'm trying to say. If you don't believe in evolution, your belief system concerning this has left the realm of scientific observation and entered the realm of only faith based belief and science listeners don't go ape shit on me here, but as someone who still believes in magic on some level, having only faith to back up your argument doesn't mean it's wrong either. And historically, it's worth pointing out the scientific community has been wrong before. Okay. So that's how it all works. Now that I've pissed off, probably fucking everybody, people who believe in science, as I do in

those who don't, let's learn a little bit more about evolution and natural selection in today's time suck timeline. But before we go there, let's check in with today's first sponsor. Time suck is brought to you today by Albert Fish Tortures the Classics. Albert Fish is released a new album full of tortures takes on classic songs of the 1920s and 1930s, rewritten and sung in a way only Albert Fish could have done. Listen up, back at some Bimbo's, I got a real bees knees deal, it's gonna have you jitterbuggin, swiggin some giggles juice and poppin' your bumps out. You've heard my take on that classic Bond, Storma,

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or sponsor but gives me a ridiculous amount of joy but which probably says a lot about my psyche times that is actually brought to you today by indochino you know how you you can get a pair of chinos with no pleats, cuffed him, black buttons with slanted wide pockets, belt black, Jesus, I'm going to start over into Chino. Times like is brought to you today by Indochino. You know how you get a pair of chinos with no pleats, a cuffed him, black buttons with

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after I just get a little more this out of my out of my system I've got paddles I've got lots of rope that bottom in the barn who could ask for anything more strap on those boots soldier we're marching down a time, time, time, line. I hope that melody's in your head all day, because I can't get rid of it now. Okay, let's start a long time ago. About 4.5 billion years ago, evolution on earth begins. Unless, of course, you think, you know, it was six to 10,000 years ago. And if you believe that, just ignore the next four and a half billion years of this timeline,

and we'll pick it up in a bit. The first bipedal hominoids began making food into poop 2.8 million years ago. Ah, does someone just say peanut butter? Now you're on the trolley. Well, you know it's the best when the poop pitch. Yes, that's how I come. out here Albert son of a bitch. Can't get can't get rid of him right now. By pets began really acting humanish around 2.8 million years ago.

Homo halibut habulus my god, and it's considered to be the first human-ish species for which there is clear evidence of the use of stone tools. The brain of the use of stone tools. The brain of the Homo habilis has a, had a volume of about 600 cubic centimeters, which for random trivia is actually three times as big as the brain of any recorded, uh, recorded, uh, Polish person. Dad jokes coming in hot today.

This rough looking, Harry little fucker was about three and a half feet tall, 70 pounds, and if you saw one today, you might think, are you sure we're related to that weird little monkey, Gremlin? Evolution would say yes. Two million years ago, Homo or Gaster shows up. Fossils have been found in Africa. This great, great, great grandfather to the millions power knuckle dragger had a brain volume of 850 cubic centimeters.

Homo or Gaster was the first of our ancestors to look more like modern humans look. These people were generally tall, slender, maybe relatively hairless. Males were thought to have reached up to around five foot 10 inches in height, which I believe is twice as twice as tall as Joe Paisley. I can remember the exact measurements, but I think roughly large stone tools, including hand axes, cleavers, picks, were manufactured, but I think roughly large stone tools including hand axes, cleavers, picks were manufactured to make these tools. Large stone flakes were produced and these were shaped on two sides to produce sharp edges.

And I just had a random thought that one of these days I'll just be recording and I'll suddenly the door open and Joe Paisley was coming just punched me into the jaw, just knock man my chair. I'll just jump back in the episode. But this improved technology created more durable tools that maintain their sharpness longer than earlier types of tools. Microscopic examinations shown that their tools were mainly used on meat, bone, animal hides of wood. Fire may have been used by early humans as recent as 1.5 million years ago for cooking and warmth. But whether this was a controlled use of fire is still up for debate charcoal burn earth and charred bones found associated with

Humor or gastro fossils may have resulted from naturally occurring fires rather than intentionally lit and controlled fires Recent reports of discoveries in wonder work cave South Africa suggest controlled use of fire may have been occurring as far back as 1.7 million years ago So again still up for debate Korean as far back as 1.7 million years ago. So again, still up for debate. 1.8 million years ago, Homo erectus appears. And 1.8 seconds ago, I used all of my might not to turn his name into a boner joke.

Fossils of Homo erectus have shown that the species lived in numerous locales across the globe, including South Africa, Kenya, Spain, China, Java, Indonesia. Who knows how many of their fossils are buried in other parts of the earth? Humor erectus had a similar range of body sizes to modern humans, and it is the first human ancestor to have similar limb and torso proportions

to those seen in modern humans. The original fossils they found, the arms of the early humanids were actually four times as long as, you know, proportionate as they are now. Like a lot of times they would have like a six foot to eight foot long arm, but have like a three foot tall body.

It's fucking crazy, can I just made that up? 600,000 years ago, homo, hydrobergenesis. Oh my God, fuck this name. Hydrobergenous, homo, hydrobergenous. Show up in at least Africa and Europe, similar brain size to modern humans. First human species to live in colder climates. So anyone living in a place with brutal winners has that stupid asshole with a stupid name to think.

Uh, 500,000 years ago, is the period from which we have the earliest evidence of purpose-built shelters, wooden huts, built in sites near Chichi Boo Japan on a hillside north of Tokyo archaeologists examine the remains of what appeared to be ten post holes forming two irregular pentagons which may be the remains of two huts 30 stone tools also found scattered around the site site was discovered when they were just digging up and creating a park 400,000 years ago early human females developed breasts for the first time and gave straight male humans and homosexual humans, or homosexual females, two new reasons to live.

I found this extremely interesting. Before females and our species had breasts, paleontologists believed that early humanoid females just had a pair of dicks on their chest. Also, early humans thought to have started to use spears around this time. 280,000 years ago early humans started using complex stone blades and grinding stones. 230,000 years ago, Neanderthals appeared. Also, I did lie about the chest dicks. That's such a rude day.

I'd pray dumb, probably dumb. But when I first thought of that, it's just the most hilarious image to me. I've just like early human females just run around with just dick on each where each breast would be. Just flopping, flopping around, running around in ancient times. Anyway, Neanderthals appear and are found across Europe

230,000 years ago from Britain to the West to, or in the West, to Iran and and the east until they became extinct with the advent of modern humans 28,000 years ago. But they didn't really, I mean, there's no Neanderthals around, but we do have Neanderthal DNA in our DNA unless, unless your ancestors only come from Africa because apparently the Neanderthals never made it to Africa. And I know this because of some 23 and me digging. According to my 23 and me results, I have 305 Neanderthal variants, more than 90% of 23

and me customers, which I got to say didn't make me feel good when I first read that. That means I'm 90% more caveman than other meat sacks. Makes me feel like I'm fucking half gorilla. And all of 23 and me, the highest number of Niannithal variants is 397 variants. I have no proof, but I think that person might be dog to bounty hunter, or maybe Gary Busy. I would bet almost anything.

It's either dog to bounty hunter or Gary Busy who's the most Niannithal person we have alive today. I wish I could find out that my wife, Queen of the Suck Lindsay, has 298 deandrathol variants. So she's a little bit less K person than me. And actually, when I looked a little further, a lot of the deandrathol stereotypes don't appear to be true. They actually had a cranial capacity of 1,600 cubic centimeters, suggesting they had a

bigger brain than modern humans who have a cranial capacity on average of 1260 cubic centimeters. Actually, and I'm not making this up, that's what men have. Men have an average of 1260 cubic centimeter size brains. Women have an average of 1130 cubic centimeters. You fucking pinheads. Enjoy your teeny tiny brains. You silly old lady pinheads. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding about my joking. I'm not kidding about the size stuff. Actually, small variations of brain size don't seem to matter within a species. As far as intelligence is concerned, so don't get worked up. How efficiently the brain you do have function seems to be more important than a little bit of size fluctuation. That's why Marilyn von Sevent of the Ask Marilyn column, uh, famous advice column.

She is, she's in meat, she's in meat sack without landish IQ of 228. And a lawn musk, uh, you know, that's why he doesn't have a giant fucking watermelon size head. And it's, and it's why various people you're running to and thought, holy fuck, this person is an idiot. Don't have little tiny beetle juice, head shrink or shrunken, tiny heads. For any of those of you who have seen that glorious film, I mean, if one species has double the brain size of another, yeah,

right, they're probably going to be smarter, but 10 or 20 percent size fluctuation doesn't seem to necessarily equate to more intelligence. But I was thinking like, putting all these notes together, how great would it be if you could tell how smart somebody was only by head size? Like that's all you needed to know. That would make life so much easier, so many ways. Like when it came to voting for the president, you would just vote for some other fucker with a gigantic head, like just a big, Humpty Dumpty-sized head.

Like so big a couple of advisors would have to help balance it. Right? You'd be like, well, they have to make great decisions. Their head is like 10 times as big as my head. And then also you have more empathy for certain other people in situations like if somebody cuts you off in traffic and you start to scream at them, but then you see that they have like a little tiny

like baby doll size head on a normal size human body. You could be like, ah, okay, if I get, it's no point yelling, I don't even know what they're doing. Pretty impressive, a little pinhead could even get a driver's license. Get on you, you little silly pinhead son of a bitch. Anyway, I just, I just, I just, I just wanted to share that thought.

That's why I share. Oh, anyway, 195,000 years ago, our own species, Homo sapiens, appear on the scene. Shortly after began to migrate across Asian, Europe, oldest modern human remains are two schools found in Ethiopia that date to this period. 150,000 years ago, humans possibly become capable of complex speech. 100,000 year old Shell Jewelry suggests that people were definitely beginning to develop complex speech and symbolism abilities. 140,000 years ago, the first evidence

of long distance trade was discovered. 50,000 years ago, there's the great leap forward. Human culture starts to change much more rapidly than before. People begin to bury their dead, richly create clothes from animal hides, develop complex hunting techniques, such as pit traps, Australia becomes inhabited by modern humans. 10,000 years ago, agriculture develops and spreads.

The first villages are built. Dogs begin to be domesticated. Bojangles did make a note in my notes that according to his research, humans began to be domesticated by dogs around 10,000 years ago. He said it kind of flipped a little bit. 5,500 years ago, the Stone Age ends

and the Bronze Age begins. Humans began to smelt and work copper and tin, used them in place of stone implements. 500 years later, the earliest evidence of riding begins to be found and around that same time the Samarins and messitami Developed the first civilization that we know about and as civilizations began to develop each one starts to wonder How the fuck did we get here? What are we doing here? Religion shows up to answer that question to others and each religion has a slightly different answer to that question. Each has its own creation tale. And we have been wondering about how we got here, what we're doing here ever since.

And then Charles Darwin showed it to pitch a new creation story right back in the 19th century. Let's go to February 12th, 1809. Charles Robert Darwin is born in Shrewsbury, Shropshire, England on February, yeah, 12th, 1809. Darwin was the second son of Dr. Robert Warring Darwin and of Susanna Wedgwood, daughter of the Unitarian Pottery, Industrialist, Josiah Wedgwood. Darwin's other grandfather, Erasmus Darwin, was a free-thinking physician and poet, the author of Zoo Nomiya or the laws of organic life, a two-volume medical work dealing with the pathology anatomy,

psychology, and function of the body. This book incorporates early ideas relating to the theory of evolution that were later more fully developed by Charles. Darwin's mother died when he was eight, and he was cared for by his three elder sisters and a doctor, father, he grew up in OV. He went to the Anglican Shrewsbury School,

where he studied between 1818 and 1825. Science was considered dehumanizing in English public schools at that time and Darwin actually got in trouble for dabbling in chemistry on his own. Can we please never, ever return to that mindset again where you can actually get in trouble for studying science? Get away from those beacons. What are you doing? You're not careful. You might discover something that will force humanity to rethink the nature of its own existence, possibly change the future, and we don't like change. We just want to tell ourselves that we know everything we need to know already. Please, life is easier that way. In 1825, Darwin's father sent Charles

to medical school at Edinburgh University, a place where he could study science. He was taught to understand the chemistry of cooling rocks on the primitive earth and how to classify plans by the modern natural system. At the Edinburgh Museum, he was taught to stuff birds, some taxidermy work by John Edmund Stone, a freed South American slave, and to identify rock strata and colonial flora and fauna. Edmund Stone gave Charles inspiring accounts of tropical rainforest back in South America and courage Darwin to explore there pretty cool that a freed slave was highly influential in pushing Darwin towards his discovery the theory revolution other students exposed young Darwin to the latest continental sciences in Edinburgh the university attracted english to centers who are ban from graduating at the Anglican universities of Oxford and Cambridge. And its student societies, Darwin heard these free thinkers argue that animals shared elements

of all the human mental faculties, which is, you know, heresy at the time. One one talk Darwin heard on the mind being the product of a material brain was officially censored in England, considered subversive in the socially conservative decades following the French Revolution. Darwin also met Robert Edmund Grant and Edembro, an expert on sea sponges. Grant became Darwin's mentor, teaching about the growth and relationships of primitive marine invertebrates, which Grant believed held the key to unlocking the mystery surrounding the origin of more complex creatures.

Darwin encouraged to tackle the larger questions of life to a study of invertebrates, uology began to make his own observations and his dad didn't like it. On 1828, 21 year old Darwin was learning a lot in Burles rich intellectual environment, but he wasn't studying what he's supposed to, according to his dad, medicine. He closed anatomy, pre-chloriform surgery, sickened him, and his dad started worrying that Darwin was wasting his life and was going to end up becoming some aimless naturalist and he switched him to Christ, college and Cambridge. Darwin was now educated to be an Anglican gentleman. He received a generalized medical bachelor of arts degree in 1831. While at Cambridge, Darwin

was shown the conservative side of botany by a young professor, the Reverend John Stevens Henslow. It would be Henslow who would suggest a voyage to Tierra Del Fuego. At the southern tip of South America aboard a rebuilt brig, the now famous HMS Beagle. Darwin's father agreed to fund a two year journey for his son to head across the Atlantic on a voyage to help chart the coastline of South America and to document different plans and animals. I guess he's like, all right, he's going to be a fucking naturalist. I guess I'll just go with it. Darwin equipped himself with plenty of books for the long journey and advice on preserving carcasses from London, Zoology experts.

And then the Beagle sales from England on December 27th, 1831, the planned two-year journey would end up taking over five years, five years of physical hardship, mental rigor, either stuck on a ship or exploring Brazilian jungles, the Andes, mountains and more. He spent roughly 18 months of the voyage aboard the ship and the rest of that time exploring and documenting. Darwin would spend months exploring islands and rainforests coming across insects, plants and animals, neither he or any Englishman had ever seen before. He drew thousands of sketches, took tons of samples, met many different indigenous

people and more, took a lot, a lot of notes. Darwin and his crew left South America from Peru in September of 1835. He'd spent several years in South America. He then traveled to the now famous Galapagos Islands over 600 miles off the coast of South America way out in the Pacific. A place now considered to be one of the premier wildlife destinations in the world. Darwin encountered magnificent volcanic islands crawling with marine iguanas and giant tortoises creatures you've never seen before. Darwin noted that Mockingbird's differed on four of the islands and tagged his specimens accordingly. Darwin and the crew of the Beagle then sailed towards England via Tahiti, New Zealand in Australia. By April 1836, when the Beagle made it to the Cocoa Islands, the Keeling Islands in the Indian

Ocean, and investigated coral reefs, Darwin had already begun to put together his theory of reformation. He imagined correctly that those reefs grew on sinking mountain rims. The delicate coral built up, compensating for the drowning land, so as to remain with an optimal heat and lighting conditions at the Cape of Good Hope in South Africa. Darwin talked with the astronomer Sir John Herschel about changing fossils. What did that mean?

Why weren't fossilized animals the same animals that existed in his time? On the last leg of the voyage Darwin finished his 770 page diary wrapped up in 1750 pages of notes. He drew up 12 catalogs of his 5,436 different animal skins, bones and carcasses. And he wondered, was each Galapagos mockingbird and naturally produced variety? Why did ground sloths become extinct? He sailed home with many questions he would try to answer for the rest of his life. And he landed back in England in October of 1836 with his voyage over.

And with a 400 pound annual allowance from his father Darwin settled down in London as a gentleman geologist. Darwin became well known after his diaries publication as the journal of researchers into the geology and natural history of the various countries visited by the HMS Beagle in 1839. I love this era of books when they're like, how many fucking words can we get on the front? A thousand? All right, let's make that the title. In the 1830s, Darwin also devised his theory of evolution. He searched for the causes of extinction, except that life is a branching tree,

a new idea, right, that life came out of other life. People weren't thinking that before. He tackled island isolation, wondered whether species variations appeared gradually on these islands or suddenly. Darwin also began to think about evolution in human terms leading to the notion of natural selection, aka survival of the fittest. He realized that population explosions would lead to a struggle for resources and that the

ensuing competition would weed out the unfit. And he applied this concept back into the animal and plant world as well within each species. There were chance variations good and bad and the best would win out, endure and pass on and improve trait. Think of the peppered moth. That improved trait would for a time be a darker color. If air pollution had never went away, all of those moths may be dark today. By 1839 Darwin's theory was largely complete. In 1842, he drafted a 35 page sketch of his theory of natural selection and then

expanded it again in 1844. Still at that time had no immediate intention of publishing it though. Darwin had finished a quarter of a million words on his seminal work on evolution by June 18th 1858, and then that day he received a letter from Alfred Russell Wallace, an English socialist and specimen collector working in the Malay archipelago, sketching a similar-looking theory. Darwin now worried someone else would publish a book on the theory he'd been working on for roughly a quarter of a century decided to publish his ideas. He hastily began an abstract of natural selection which grew into a more accessible book on the origin of species by means of natural selection, or the preservation of favored races

in the struggle for life. And the book was published on November 24th, 1859. And the book immediately aroused international interest and widespread debate, debate that continues to this day over 150 years later. Shortly after publishing newspapers drew one conclusion, the one conclusion that Darwin had specifically avoided in his own book, knowing what religious backlash

it would bring him, and that was that humans had evolved from apes, and that Darwin was denying mankind's immortality. And for the next 22 years, Darwin would add to his research and his theory that life on earth evolves and changes and that the creature's best suited to life on our planet's survive and even thrive, and that the creature's no longer suited

to current natural order die out. And then Charles Darwin died in London on April 19th, 1882, with the age of 73, was buried with honor at Westminster Abbey, and that takes us out of today's timeline, and now we will talk further about evolution before we move on to today's Darwin Awards. Good job, soldier. You made it back. Barely. And I know there was a pretty bare bones overview of Charles Darwin, but the space lizards did not vote in a Charles Darwin biography suck.

They voted in Darwin Awards and we're going to start marching through a bunch of them real soon. Before we go forward, we do have one more sponsor. Today's time suck is brought to you by long time supporter of time suck. A company I sincerely hope you all support the great courses plus. We all deserve to be able to further our knowledge and keep learning and the great courses plus was founded on the idea that education should be accessible to everyone. The Great Courses Plus makes it possible to learn from the brightest minds out there, including professors from the best universities

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called what Darwin didn't know, the modern science of evolution, 24 different lectures, roughly a half hour each on everything from genome mutations, evolutions raw material, rapid evolution with species, the evolution of brains and behavior, the evolution of death and Asian and so much more. And then there's another 24 evolution based lectures and of course called major transitions in evolution, so much to be learned, so glad I'm not saying genome anymore genome. So unlock a world of knowledge with the great courses plus right now for a limited time. They're giving time, second meets, acts of free month of unlimited access to their entire library, a vast library.

When you sign up now through our special URL, the great courses plus dot com slash time suck. That's the great courses plus dot com slash time suck, in the episode description button in the sponsor section of the app Okay, now we're gonna keep marching towards the Darwin Awards before we move into our Darwin list We have a lot of awards we'll cover. I want to examine something. I've I've long wondered is modern human evolution making our species dumber I don't know if you've ever watched a 2006 fictional movie that feels more like a documentary sometimes, idiochrosy, written by Beavis and Butthead and Silicon Valley and office space creator, Mike Judge, a true author or true luminary. This guy's amazes me. The hilarious movie starring Luke Wilson, Maya Randolph, Maya Rudeoff and Dax Shepard opens by presenting the

terrifying possibility. What would happen to the world when generation, or you know, if generation after generation for five centuries? People who have the most education, people who attain the highest levels of career success choose either not to have kids, or not to have very many kids because of the amount of work they feel it takes to become successful in the modern world to be the proper kind of parent, the intellectually kind of overthink the responsibility of parenting sometimes. And then what if the people who have the least amount of education, people with the least

amount of career success, people who really don't think things through, but people who do just fuck, fuck, and fuck some more with little thought to how they will take care of their offspring. What happens if that just keeps the current generation after generation? You know, in this movie, an anti-evolution kicks in, this movement, and the dumbest members of the species, you know, they have a shit ton of kids, they create the most descendants. And the smarter members create the least.

And then when, you know, the main character of the movie wake up, and I don't want to go into all the details of like they were putting this kind of hyperbaric chamber and made to be asleep for hundreds of years, when they wake up, the world looks very different and it's not good. There's the smartest people on the planet, literally. There's average today, smartest people then. It's an interesting thought. Due to welfare programs, modern medicine made accessible to the majority of the population. Humans, our natural predators have kind of been limited or eliminated.

And survival of the fittest has transformed into survival of those who fuck the most. You know, our natural predators have kind of been limited or eliminated. Excuse me. And survival of the fittest has transformed into survival of those who, who fucked the most. Judges idea seems to come from an earlier work actually with a similar trend of thought. March of the morons. This was originally published in 1951, story written by a young sci-fi author, Cyril M. Cornbluth. March of the morons follows John Barlow, who is put into suspended animation by a freak accident involving a dental drill and an anesthesia. Barlow is revived hundreds of years in the future.

So yeah, just like idiocracy, the world seems insane to Barlow until he discovers the problem of population due to a combination of intelligent people not having children and excessive breeding by less intelligent people coupled with the development of more sophisticated machinery that makes it less important to possess intelligence in one's working life, the world ends up full of morons, with the exception of an elite few who work slavishly to keep order. It feels familiar, right? More jobs are becoming automated. It is becoming arguably less important to possess a certain type of intelligence for a variety of jobs. Like, I can't tell you how many times I'll travel in as much as I do as a touring comic for the past two decades, I've had to walk someone through the most basic of task, like a simple menu substitution. And I am no genius.

I've never taken a IQ test, but I do strongly feel I would not be in the upper couple percent. There's fucking, there's no way. Here's an example though, when I was talking about Reverend Dr. Joe and I went to Cafe Real recently, Mexican chain restaurant. All I wanted was it was a side of chicken in a bowl with salsa verde, pico de gallo, and guacamole on top, standard shit. And the guy, roughly my age who was trying to take this order, it's like his fucking brain, he just melted it. Just wanting to do something that wasn't on the menu.

You know, he's just like, what do you have in just a side of shredded chicken in a bowl for here or ready or for to go for here? Anything else? Yeah, can we just put some guacamole on it? And then he starts to put some guacamole in a separate container. And I was like, no, you can just put it right on top of the chicken. And then he just hesitated and just gave me like kind of a shitty like, fuck, all right, dude, I guess if you want to fuck this up, that's your life. I was not supposed to do it, but whatever. Like he's super annoyed that I just want to side in one container, not in a separate container.

And then he's like, anything else? And I was like, yeah, Pico de Gaio, salsa verde, please. But it's the Pico de Gaio on top and then says, we don't have salsa verde. And I was like, nah, I just see the green salsa verde right there. And then he goes, oh, you want the salsa verde? What? Yeah. I do. The thing, yep, the thing I just said, that then now you just said. And I was like, huh? He starts putting that in another side container. And I'm like, no, you can just put that on the chicken too. I swore to God, this happened. He goes, can't already start to put it in here. Once you

get started, it's hard to stop. Like, fuck, Joe and I just looked at each other like, what the fuck is happening? Like, we talked about the whole lunch. It's like he was starting to put it in a little side dish and we're just like, no, you can just dump it on there and he literally just refused. He's like, no, I already started to put it in this thing. That means it would be hard.

No, it wouldn't be hard. You just fucking dump the little thing into the big thing, throw it in the trash. It's too fee from you and you move on with your life. And I wish that was an isolated incident, but it seems at least in my head to happen more and more and more. We're all be traveling across the country. And again, I'm not trying to be shitty, but I'm trying to be real, trying to be fucking honest.

I could lie and tell you everyone's great. Everyone's fucking doing their best. That doesn't get us anywhere, is it species? I've walked into place after place where a grown person who does not seem to be cognitively disabled has trouble making a fucking sandwich. Like you have to walk them to like, no, no, no, just, yeah, mm-hmm, there's the fucking bread there. Or ring up to the simple transaction, I think, what if it gets a lot worse than this over

the next few centuries? What if the basic idea behind idiocracy is correct? Are we fucking doomed to live in a world full of just machines? this over the next few centuries. What if the basic idea behind idiocracy is correct? Are we fucking doomed to live in a world full of just machines and then random just, you know, rampant, excuse me, just stupidity? Well, the answers I want to this question aren't out there because the right studies have yet to be published, but I did still find some interesting info. Some 2018 studies, numerous studies have found that various nations after seeing decades of rising IQ scores in the mid 20th century saw the trend reverse beginning in the 1970s.

So in the early to mid 20th century IQ scores are going up generation after generation. And then this trend has started to reverse beginning in the 1970s. One Norwegian study came out in 1918, or excuse me, 2018. I'm a fucking see, that's why I don't get to be in the top few percent. One Norwegian study used IQ results taken from 730,000 members of the Norwegian military and found that the average IQ dropped a full seven points overall from generation to the next between 1970 and 1995. And similar studies done in other countries have provided similar results.

The US Pentagon recently expressed concerns that it cannot keep the number of enlisted troops going forward from very much longer because of problems finding enough new recruits qualified to serve. One anonymous Pentagon employee told the Observer.com in August of 2018. This is not my words. So this is a little bit inflammatory, but you know, this is this one person's perspective from the inside.

They said, the problem it seems isn't that young people don't want to join the army or any of the services. It's that they can't. And they're in lies of paradox. For while the US military represents the best in America, it doesn't actually represent America. For that to be true, two thirds of our military would have to consist of obese, undereducated, former drug users, and convicted criminals.

Those are my words, but a scary observation. And does this have anything to do with certain people outbreeding other people? You know, don't know. I mean, I get years ago I used to work at Child Protective Services very briefly, but what I saw, it fucking scarred me forever. I had to say, so many of my college friends,

and most of my college friends, we never went beyond like a bachelor's. It's not like I'm hanging out with a bunch of fucking doctors. But the college friends I have made, I can't think of one of them off the top of my head. Actually, one couple, one very religious friend of mine does have, I think, five kids. The rest, no more than three and most of them no more than two. But when I was at CPS, it would be amazing where these poor people that just had no life

skills. Their shit is not even fucking close to being kept together. Like people who are confused as to why you can't leave rancid food on the table. How is that dangerous? People confused as, well, why can't my kids play with a knife? Like they don't understand basic shit. Like don't fucking leave spoiled meat on a counter.

Don't do math in front of your kids. Don't let your kid play with a fucking honey knife at four years of old or four years of age. Like they can understand that, and they'll have like eight fucking kids. I mean, that was just what I observed. But, so does this recent IQ drop have anything to do with certain people outbreeding others?

We don't know yet. None of the studies regarding dropping IQs know exactly why they're dropping. However, based on what we know about evolution, if the dumbest members of society do breed the most, it only makes sense that society will in fact get a lower IQ overall. Sadly, I doubt any studies will be done on this exact situation anytime soon because it's just too politically incorrect. The far left, which I dislike as much as the far right, already attacks idiotic.

You can find numerous reviews where they say stuff like, you know who would like this movie, Hitler? You know, any hint of maybe certain people shouldn't breed anymore seems to be met with utter outrage and contempt on the far left. An association with Nazi eugenics programs almost always gets made immediately, which is very frustrating because that's not fair or logical. It's cool to fight for the survival of the environment, I guess, but it's not cool to fight for the continued survival of our species if it leads to answers we don't like. You know, answers with an unsavory path like a possible eugenics type program god forbid we approach a growing population in an ecosystem with limited resources with any fucking logic. Alright, let's just keep trying not to hurt people's fucking feelings and then just worry about mass starvation and widespread extreme poverty later, I guess.

I personally think society is going to become dumb or overall. Which in a way is good news of a sort for all you curious people out there because the bar is going to get lowered for competition. If you're willing to learn, evolve and work your ass off and push to become more intelligent, the greater the odds you have to rise above the competition. I know it's more complicated than that, but I believe that there is a lot of truth in what I just said. I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong.

I hope the cost of higher education becomes more accessible for the bottom rungs, the socio-economic ladder. I hope education becomes more of a national priority. And I hope all of you do everything you can to push and learn and be a successful and a variety of ways. Be that fucking peppered moth, adapt and survive, respond to the stimuli that's changing around you as it changes and thrive. But enough about my rants, enough about what evolution is, who came up with the theory of evolution, my half cock thoughts, let's get to the dark comedy gods.

Okay, hey, Luciferina. I felt good, I gotta say. I'm probably gonna get some angry emails, fucking whatever. I believe everything I just said. Star one award time. There are literally thousands of these stories online. Hopefully we found the best ones. We broke the awards into several categories like extreme sports, a lot of crazy deaths there, work related Darwin awards, several other categories, you know, sexual ed deaths, criminals. Let's start off with some basic all over the map type Darwin award winners. This first one, they really cracked me up.

I guess most of these really cracked me up. Many a young man has taken themselves out of the gene pool by trying to impress a potential lover in April of 2007 in Germany. A man trying to impress his wife climbed over In April of 2007, in Germany, a man trying to impress his wife, climbed over the balcony of their seventh story, flat, started doing pull-ups. His wife, I'm sure, totally impressed. As she watched her 49-year-old man's arms turned to jelly and lose their strength, he is then unable to pull himself up and fall seven stories to his death.

The official verdict places the blame squarely on macho showmanship of the deceased. And I gotta say, hard to have any sympathy at all for this guy. You know, really stupid to do this at any age, but I would feel more sympathy if he would have done it closer to 18 and 50. And if he was trying to impress somebody other than his wife,

right? Like it would make a little more sense to me if he was trying to impress a girl that he had never slept with. And she was closer to 18 to 50 like he just went through divorce, you know, he's start hitting the gym. He's taking too much Viagra, his testosterone therapy is working like a champion. You know, his hormone levels are off the chart.

He's trying to impress him 25 year old to sleep with, but a 49 year old trying to impress his wife. That's just fucking sad to me. Just come on, Helga. Look at my muscles, they're back. They are still so pumped. I'm hard like teenager, Helga, do you still want this? Do you still think I have the goods?

Oh, wait until I get the back of this balcony, take those panties off now. I will ravage, oh God, my arms are quite tired. Oh, this is not good. Just splat. Ah, why, why, why, why? That's not gonna be sane for all of these. Why?

And this next Darwin Award, two meets X, make the untimely trip to the other side over a simple disagreement about a poorly parked car. I think there's a good lesson here. This double Darwin Award happened as too many in the Philippines had a heated spat over one of the, one of the men blocking a doorway

with this poorly parked car. The dispute escalated into a fist fight. When bystanders tried to separate them, it seemed to have worked. The two guys returned to their cars, but they weren't done, the feud remained. They returned to the street after both grabbing handguns and proceed to shoot each other to death.

Neither one of them ended up getting a decent parking spot that day. This is the kind of shit I like to think about when I go into road rage, right? What would people say at my funeral? How would my kids and Lindsey feel about my death? I think it's important to think about that in a lot of situations in life. What would people think at your funeral?

One thing to run out of your car and try to stop like an innocent person from being a carject. You die in that situation, in my opinion, you die a hero. One thing to run out of your car and try to stop like an innocent person from being car jacked. You die in that situation. In my opinion, you die a hero. You die doing something courageous, brave. But you run out of your car to beat somebody's ass over a parking spot. You die a jackass.

Right? No one remembers you as a hero. The remember you as a hot-headed idiot. However, that being said, in a perfect world, I would love to beat someone's ass over a parking spot. I'm going to be totally honest. I would talk about that. I would reflect positively on that for the rest of my life.

It would feel so good. Just one time. You're like, hey, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You just, you just, wait, you just cut people off, take their spots. Don't even care. No apology. You just do that much of an asshole. Hey, man, fuck you.

You don't tell me what to do. And then pop, just write in the jaw, fuck a one punch unconscious. And fucking grab him, lift him back up, shake him back to consciousness, and be like, get the fuck back in your car. Get out of here, if I beat you into a hospital. And then he watched the person,

just start crying, get into their car, drive away, and then you just park there, and you never see them again. Like in the cartoon version of my life, it's exactly how it works out. And then I just strut around the grocery store. I'm the fucking greatest person alive. I just did something very cool that I want to talk about. But that doesn't seem likely. I feel like I tried that.

And yeah, and it works out like the Philippine thing works out. You get to gun, you know, start shooting me. I end up on one of those lists. Well, anger can temporarily lower persons IQ in the moment, actually being a dumbass is lifelong problem. Unfortunately for this next Darwin Award winner, his dumbassry problem significantly reduced how long the span of his life would be.

In January of 2008, a 23 year old heavily pierced man in Pennsylvania decided to have some fun at work. He wondered what would it feel like to connect an electronic control tester to my chest piercings? Several co-workers tried to convince him that this was a very, very bad idea. Do not wire yourself up to an electronic device and then turn it on. He's like, no, I got this. He proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his metal nipple piercings. Very close to his heart. Hit the test button and then he's out.

His coworkers were still trying to revive him with CPR when police and rescue personnel arrived. They were not successful. He killed him immediately. Just stopped his heart. Wish this award said what exact kind of this device was, like how many volts it put into it, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that everyone was like, no, don't do this.

This is a very bad idea. This is really stupid. This is, and you did it anyway. I just feel like if a group of people who don't really care about you that much, like co-workers are telling you it's a real bad idea to do something. They're probably right. Like it's not your mom who can be overly protective, whatever. It's just, you know, people who don't have that kind of investment

in your life. And if they're telling you, don't fucking do this. It probably really is a terrible idea. They're probably right because if it was just kind of a bad idea, but might be really funny to watch, they would for sure tell you to do it. Right? I feel like that's human nature. Like if Joe Paisley, who I like a lot, if Joe Paisley told me he was going to take off all his clothes and run around the block, I would be all for it. I'm like, fuck yeah. So that's awesome. That's a great idea.

And I would say that knowing that he might get arrested, but worth it for me to get those laughs. I would say knowing that he might fall down, skin his dick up. I don't care. It's not my dick. And he'll live. Right, bad idea, for sure. Hard for him to explain that to his wife if he gets caught.

But I would still be like, oh yeah, you should do that, it's fucking awesome. I'll record it. But if he was like, hey, I was just thinking I could take off all my clothes, and then I could try and jump from the roof of the building and see if I can make it to the roof of my SUV. Then I'd be like, what, fuck, no, dude, that's fucking stupid.

That's how you die. That's really idiotic. Just always remember, there's a lot of people out there who will encourage you to do really harmful things. Very few who will encourage you to do things where there's a good chance of death though. If a bunch of people around you, a bunch of people aren't related to you

or telling you, no, super dangerous, probably almost always right. The next Darwin Award recipient was part of an engineering duo that worked at the Skagged Raceway and watched in state fixing cars. They were no dummies when it came to cars, but during their time working in a custom machine shop in 2010, they dreamed up the idea of making a rocket kind of. They took a 55 gallon barrel into the parking lot filled it with four gallons of methanol, sat on top of it and then lit the bunghole.

And that's not an Albert fish reference. This is an Albert fire in the butthole fish. Now, this is the hole in the barrel of sometimes called a bunghole. The idea was to shoot across the parking lot like rodeo clowns for a few moments of fun. Instead, they made a bomb that blew up with enough force to launch the barrel 120 feet. One of them and died pretty much immediately. The other guy got all burned to shit and learned a valuable lesson.

Don't light a bunghole on fire. Guys, come on, you're engineers. You're not juvenile delinquents. I almost set myself on fire a lot of times, when I was between 10 and 22 years old, but now the worst idea was pour way too much charcoal lighter on the grill, because it's fun to see that flame really go.

And sometimes you to buddies flame thrower. But I stopped with my flame, you know, fun at Sengen a little bit of arm hair, maybe Sengen a tiny bit of eyebrow. How the hell did engineers not know this was a terrible idea? Like I feel like there's more to this story, like drugs, like a lot of drugs or a lot of alcohol. If you add just one word to the story, either drunk or high, I don't question it. In my 20s and front of my ex-wife, I went through some guy's girlfriend over my shoulder

and just ran down the street with her. Just ran down the street with a stranger on St. Patrick's Day because I was blackout drunk. And apparently no one cared for it. No one thought it was fun at all. I did it because I was fucking hammered and because I'm a dirt bag. So think before you drink. Speak in about alcohol. This next award winner proves that it is best So think before you drink. Speaking of alcohol, this next award when it proves that it is best to think before you drink.

In April of 2012, a Canadian man who watched beer trucks for a living was busy doing his work when he found a loose bottle of what appeared to be blue vodka behind the seat of one of the trucks. He was cleaning, sweet. I should probably drink that. He seemed to have thought to himself, bypassing his nose and taste buds. He just took a huge swig from the bottle, which was filled with one of the worst kinds of vodka on the market today.

The kind that tastes a lot like wiper fluid, the kind that is not vodka and is wiper fluid. After being rushed to the hospital, he died from methanol poisoning in nearby hospital. To make the more, the story more interesting is family found a lawsuit against the parent company of the beer stores the company was legally chastise And is now forbidden to store a windshield wiper fluid and used alcohol bottles, which does annoy me That's the world we live in when you can own a company and then be sued because one of your dumb shit employees Essentially steal some of your shit and hurt himself or dies Yeah, fucking what are you doing just trying to fucking sneak it and think before you drink or at least think what the fuck am I drinking before you drink it? And again,

this story makes more sense if he was already drunk when he did it. I'm just amazed by people who seem to make drunk decisions when they're in fact sober. This next Darwin award winner way way too old to be doing what he did. I'm amazed he lived as long as he did if this is how he lived his life. What's amazing to me about the story is that he did make it to 68 years old, now that he died. A man named Gerard was a 68 year old man with a sweet Porsche Cayenne SUV and he got stuck in some train tracks when he was driving it one day. The safety bars came down and he started the road, kind of traps the the Porsche on the rails. According to witnesses, it took a while to realize he was stuck on the tracks. Finally he, he, he jumps from the car and he starts to run when the train's getting close,

but he doesn't run away from the tracks. No, he runs on the tracks or just like right next to the track, like on the edge straight towards an oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his SUV. And he was partly successful. The car received a little bit less damage in his owner who landed 30 meters away. Jesus Christ, it's lost about almost a hundred feet. He kind of blocked the train. And then attempts to revive what was left of Gerard was obviously unsuccessful. My thought is, didn't you have car insurance? I mean, if you're driving a Porsche Cayenne at 68, you probably can afford auto insurance.

Like, I fucking love my F-150. I would hate for it to get run over by train. But if it did get stuck on some tracks, I'm gonna fucking out of there. Cause here's the thing, I have insurance, and there's a lot of other F-150s that I also would love. This is literally the exact same truck. It's like, dude, there are plenty of other Porsche Cayans

on the market. Like, I would get it a little more if he was driving like the 1964 Aston Martin. Right? The DB5 driven by Sean Connery, playing James Bond and Goldfinger. It's one of a kind. Zero placeable. But still, maybe good to remember in that situation that running towards a train and yelling at it to suddenly stop has worked exactly zero times in train history.

The entire reason the train crossings exist is because trains are super bad at quickly stopping. I look up momentum, if you don't, you're like, why would a train have a hard time stopping? They're very fucking heavy. Okay, let's go to Virginia now. In September of 2016 of Virginia, a 20 year old woman named Sydney G did something so stupid.

It really made me laugh. The first time I read this, even though I knew she died, which might mean a material person. But this might be the dumbest one of them all. Sydney and an unnamed accomplice found a mattress on the side of the road. They didn't have any bungee cords with them, but they really wanted this mattress.

So Sydney decided to use her own body weight to keep the mattress on the roof of the car while they just drove away, while her friend drove. Like, what? How does any part of you think this will work? Like on any level, right? It's a mattress, right? If any air gets underneath, which is going to, because some of the air is bouncing off the windshield and it's going to grab the front of the mattress and it's going to for sure fucking lift it up. Like every single time and nothing to hold it down. Like what? I mean, with the size of a mattress, the size of a person, top of the car, it's not like

you can reach over each side of the mattress and kind of cling to like the, where the windows are rolled down, like cling inside the windows. Even if you could do that, it wouldn't work for a long. No one is strong enough to hold that down once the, once the windows are rolled down, that cling inside the windows. Even if you could do that, it wouldn't work for real. No one is strong enough to hold that down once the car gets going with any kind of speed whatsoever. So of course, Sidney dies when the mattress of course flies off and just fucking lands on the road, which is gonna do a thousand out of a thousand times.

That will never, ever work. Right, remember that time? You were driving in the freeway and you saw somebody holding a mattress down to the top of their car, just fucking coast on it with nothing tying it down. You've never seen that because they would never last and make it to that speed. To make it even worse, Prince William County police spokesperson Nathan Probe stated that the van was driven by an unlicensed driver. Right, dumb to do that with any driver, even Dumber to do it with someone who shouldn't be driving

because they've either never passed a driving test or because they've had the driver's license taken away. Like doing that to me, that's like, that's like thinking you could just sneak onto a fucking plane and go for a free flight. Like Superman, like you could just cling to the top of the plane and be like, ah, fucking beat the system. I'll fucking slide off when we land.

You know, this is real life, not a mission impossible movie. According to some highly reliable sources in Michigan on January of 2016, a 58 year old man named Clifford was driving without pants, without a seat belt, and watching porn up on his phone. Add a wide open sunroof on a cold winter Sunday and you have a recipe for disaster. At 3.40 a.m. Clifford's Toyota went out of control

on the on ramp to I-75 rolled, crashed, ejected Cliff out to sunroof, killed him. And he can. He can. He may have already passed on his jeans, but he definitely gets the Darwin Award for dying in the middle of fucking jerking off. Like, dude, why can't, okay.

Why can't you just, why can't, if you have to jerk off when you're driving, if you have to do it, I'm not gonna lie, I've done it before, I've been in many years, but I have done it. You know I'm forthcoming about this kind of stuff with you guys. You don't fucking watch, why, you don't have to watch porn. Go into your memory. Access your memory. Eyes on the road. Hand on your

dick or finger fucking DJ and your clitoris. You can you can do that. You can have one hand on the steering wheel. Both eyes on the road. Other hand, pleasure in yourself. You don't need to have this whole fucking complicated situation in your car. Here's another really stupid pair of road rage deaths. Happened February of last year and Poland, of course it didn't I was waiting for Poland to show up. Two Polish cars drove into each other on the freeway and then each of the drivers got out and started arguing

on the freeway. And then they started fighting still on the freeway. And then they died because they had hit by other cars, they were driving and fucking freeway. This one reminds me of joggers. I used to see down in LA, running out into the street with their headphones on, clearly not paying attention to their surroundings, whatsoever, and I would just think,

like, you know that you're also not in a car, right? Like, you know that if I fucking hit you one time, what the kind of want to do right now? You're gonna lose, because you're gonna die. Right? Uh, right now where I live, right now, I know there's a blind corner on the road to my house, right in my neighborhood. No sidewalk on either side of the road.

So people end up walking the street, which you're gonna have to do, but they do it and they don't pay attention at all. Like I've driven home and had to swerve around people casually, just walking their dog or jogging down the street, like way out in the road with their back to oncoming traffic. And I just always think, man, like you have a lot more faith in society than I do.

I would for sure not trust me if I were you to not run your ass over. There are tons of stories of Darwin and war of Darwin and war winners dying when they're peen. Come to find out most of them are urban legends, it can't be verified in any way. But one such incident was verified in Seattle, reported in 1999,

when a man pissing on a freeway overpass, lost his footing and fell 45 feet to his death, dude, you got to brace yourself. Another one that only makes sense to me if they're drunk or high. Otherwise, again, going back to the hands, you use one hand to brace. The other hand to pull your pants out,

I've never needed two hands to go number one in my life ever. What? No part of me, I don't like, fuck, grab something. So those are the basic Darwin award winners. But we do have categories. I know those some of the people could have fit in some categories, but they're a little bit more miscellaneous.

Now we're going to go into different little sections. We're going to start with animal related, totally avoidable deaths. It seems like at least 10% of all Darwin Awards involve a needless animal interaction. Here are a handful of the ones I found the most interesting. 1999. 15 snakes were, I don't know, I snake deaths, dude, always fucking crack me. 15 deaths were found in the vicinity of a decomposed body in Stanton, Delaware. A neighbor complained about a terrible smell which led to the vicinity of a decomposed body in Stanton, Delaware, a neighbor complained about a terrible smell which led to the discovery of the body, a three day old corpse, and eight

rattlesnakes and two copress. 45, I feel no sympathy for this person, like none. Absolutely none. The 45 year old owner of the reptiles was found 10 feet from an open cage of a young diamond back rler. Apparently the guy was feeding the snake and then got terminally bitten. Residents of the apartments were evacuated

by the Delaware Animal Rescue team while the search was conducted for the missing serpents. Neighbors said they had no idea that this weird loner was keeping poisons snakes. Why does anyone get a poisons snake for a pet? It's so fucking dumb. And if you're like, Hey man, I have a fucking poison snake. That seems pretty judgey. Yes. I think your choice in a poison snake is super fucking dumb. Why would you have a bunch of them?

A similar story inspired one of the first standup jokes I ever wrote almost two decades ago now. I still believe it exactly today. It's a little joke, so I'm gonna tell you here. I normally keep stand up, you know, removed from time to time. But this fits so perfectly. The joke would go, I would say, hey, you know, sometimes when somebody dies, it's sad. By the other times, it makes sense.

I read about a guy who got a poised his cobra for a pet and a bitty when they died and I thought, yeah, it was a poised his cobra. What was plan A? Like, like, what was you doing at home with this thing? Just you de-cuted through a cobra? Yes, you are. No, bad cobra. Dead, good. That's the only time I've done one of my stand-up jokes here under podcast. Probably, probably going to be the only time remaining, but it just fits so perfectly with that. I still think like, yeah, when you get a poise, it's cover for a snake and it buys you and you dies. It's like, yeah, that's how shit is supposed to work out.

In Australia, 1989, a rather impressionable martial art student, listen with attention. When his kung fu instructor dramatically informed the class now that you've reached this level in your training You could kill wild animals with your bare hands And this training took this David as gospel truth and headed over to the Melbourne Zoo in Australia To to test his metal with the wildest animal of them all the lion went straight for the lion in the dead of night slipped into the zoo Left into the lion enclosure Engaged a suitable king of the jungle in hand to fucking clock combat And he lost

He lost savagely Zoo employees found his remains the next day two arms and hands and just fucking shreds of red fur Grasp tightly in the fingers of the deceased. What the fuck? That has to be the dumbest one yet. Like even if you could kill a wild animal with your bare hands, why would you start with a lion?

Dude, yeah, work your way up. Start with like a mouse or squirrel. Work your way up to a raccoon. Go hand to hand with a raccoon. Maybe then take on a deer, one without antlers. Maybe then you jump up to elk. You leave line for I think dead last, right? You go for a line right after you can take on like two bears

at the same time. Or even better, maybe outside of hunting, what you can eat, maybe just don't fucking go around needlessly killing animals, you fucking maniac. Okay, let's talk about tigers now. In May of 1999, two German tourists, a man and a woman were enjoying the last day of vacation at Safari Park, a wild game park in Spain. Safari Park is a controlled reserve hosting a variety of wild animals living in natural habitats, visitors, drivers to the park are cautioned many times to not open their windows,

remain in your vehicle at all times frequent warning signs posted in a variety of languages including German while driving through a tiger grotto, the man, Ville Helm and his companion parked the car emerged from it for reasons unclear, locked the doors behind them. I don't want someone stealing their car when they're in the middle of a place that no one should fucking be outside of the car. Then they were set upon almost immediately by three Bengal tigers, like in the Brazilian nearby. The big cats, two males and a female, 10 to 12 years old, pounced on them, breaking their

necks and quickly silencing their screams, security guards rushed to the scene, arriving to find the woman beheaded and the man disemboweled. And I don't feel bad for him, right? I will, I will though, say, this is the way I can see myself dying. And if I do die this way, don't feel sad for me. But I can see myself just being like, nah, nah, nah, we're good. Come on, let's get some good pictures. Come on, just for a second.

We're just gonna walk out into the Tiger and Veson woods and get some pictures of those will to be so over there. We'll get go wrong. I don't know, maybe not. Maybe not. Big, big cats do scare the shit out of me. I did go on a lion safari once in South Africa and I had zero interest. I was so nervous the whole time. I was worried about being a darwin award winner just for even going on the safari. I was thinking like, yeah, if one of these lions somehow figured out how to get in this fucking hummer and kills us, we deserve it. I believe I asked, you're sure they can't get in here

to the guy more than once. I don't like getting scratched by fucking house cats. Right, there's little claws, they're so sharp and it stinks for a while if they scratch you. Listen to dangerous animal warnings, meet sacks, they're written for a reason. Okay, again, another one that feels too stupid to be true,

but I do think it probably was true. This apparently happened in upstate New York in 2008. A 50 year old man was bird hunting with his buddies and his dog. He stopped for a smoke and his dog found the leg bone of a deer. The man tried to take the bone away, but the dog refused to give it up. He just stayed out just out of reach, frustrated. The man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle, began swinging like a club. Like, what?

Are you hitting your dog with the buddy or gun? Each time he swung at the dog and moved out of the way, suddenly the club struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. Shot himself in the stomach. He was airlifted to nearby hospital where he died from his injuries and the dog was okay. I would like to tell you a story so much more if it was just the dog and that guy, and they heard this story,

and I was just left to wonder like, well, how do they know exactly what happened? Right? Maybe he actually shot himself when he's out with his justice dog, or maybe the dog got tired of him trying to take that fucking gear bone, right? Maybe the dog just took a crack at shoot and capping for fun, runer. You know, it's like they'll say,

and you know, never get in between a dog and his bone, or you might get bit or a shotgun. According to two different Darwin award sources, a Brazilian farmer tired of a beehive, it is orange tree, decided he would remove the big ass hive himself. When I first read this, my immediate thought was, oh, shit, this, this sounds exactly how I could die. I would for sure try to do this. Like I would see getting rid of a giant beehive is an exciting challenge.

Well, this guy had no clue on how to a giant beehive is an exciting challenge. Well this guy had no clue on how to remove a beehive but he was happy to try and again, for sure it sounds like something I would do. And then he thought fire would be his best method, I'm still in, still in the same page with this guy. I once, when I was around 20, I poured gasoline on a ground hornet's nest

after one of them stung me and I got really fucking angry. I was working on a construction site with my dad. And I poured a bunch of gas into their little ground hornet's nest. After one of them stung me and I got really fucking angry. I was working on a construction site with my dad. And I poured a bunch of gas into their little ground hornet's nest, set it on fire, and I actually got to watch one of those little fuckers try to fly out while it was burning. To protect his face from bee stings and smoke, this guy tied a plastic bag around his face

and then set the bee hive on fire. And this is where I'm no longer with him. Like what? You did what? You tied a plastic bag around your head and secured it based on what we know happened to him next. Not a good idea. Not a good thing to do even for some,

you know, auto-erotic is fixation. Find a different way to get your jolies. And then of course the guy suffocated to death as one does, excuse me, when they tie a plastic bag around the fucking head. Let's head down under for our next animal fatality. In November of 1995, the badly decomposed remains of a man named Neil from Melbourne are discovered in a field near the Toulando reservoir. Not sure if that's how you pronounce that, by the way, shockingly, there's no Australian

reservoir pronunciation guide on the internet. Neil's death is shrouded mystery, tragedy, and a ridiculous homemade Mermaid fish type suit. Local law enforcement officials said the 49 year old man was wearing a heavy green plastic body suit, Constructor from old water bed material. The suit featured a full length zipper along the spine, and it constricted Neil's legs into a mermaid-esque tail. The only openings aside from the zipper were two eye holes.

What, fuck, what? Neil's stupid suit enclosed his entire body and restricted his breathing as well as his movement and he died in this suit. Making things even weirder, the investigator found a second identical suit other than just being a different color in his garage. There was a yellow suit made the same way.

Like what was this guy doing? Like apparently he liked to wear a weird merman homemade fish suit of sorts. And he had another suit for, I guess because sometimes he likes to dress up in a fish suit with what, with somebody else, there would be two of them. Like what I always started wondering is like to dress up in a fish suit with what somebody else would be two of them Like like what I was started wondering like who who zip them up? You can't you can't zip yourself up in that son of bitch I wouldn't think

Did they just they just bail whoever zip them up when he started to suffocate or when they found out he was dead Did they push him over and kill him like like why would you ever make this in the first place? This is some some very specific sexual fetish Like if someone else wore the other suit wouldn't they need a third person to zip them both in? Why would you make eye holes, but not a mouth hole? How do you go to the bathroom or those suits? Right?

Do you just, do you just shit into your mirtail? That's exactly how they do it in Hollywood. Make it that. My man, Shobius peanut butter butter butter butter butter butter. I fucking don't even know. I'm talking to you anymore. Why bus to Keaton? Used to cream a my man suit once a week on a set of Paula bedroom

math showbiz. Enough prayers. Let's move on to a group of Darwin award winners Albert Fish will be very interested in. Des and involve private parts. Let's head to New Zealand. A 25 year old man, some crazy Kiwi bastard named Travis Lane was very drunk and high after spending the night at a house party in the Otago township of New Zealand or Otago.

Uh, a group of friends were standing around a campfire outside and Lane thought it would be funny to pull his pants down a moon or use his brown eye to stare down on coming traffic. Every time he saw a car coming by, he'd run towards the road, drive his pants, spread his butt cheeks, and walk back to the group and have a good laugh around the bonfire. Well, one of these times, eventually, Lane thrust his bare bottom a little too far into oncoming traffic and a car hit him directly on his ass and it launched him and it launched him bleeding out into the distance. He suffered a broken arm brain injury, died in the hospital.

And the coroner showed no sympathy for Lane saying he paid the ultimate price for his foolishness. I do feel a little bad for this guy. He was drunk and high and having stupid phone with his friends. I think the lesson here is, if you wanna stare down some traffic with your brown eye and you get away with it, after you first do it, then you gotta quit while you're behind. Dad joke!

Because behind is like a, but it's not a word for a butt and I'm gonna show myself out. Ha ha ha. I hope Joe is ridiculous laugh. His sarcastic laugh just showed up in the, in the audio. I heard it. This next award winner actually didn't die, but he did blow his dick off.

So it's worth mentioning. Oh, this poor son of a bitch. 17 year old from Pennsylvania told the police, he sustained serious injuries with an explosive device hidden in his backpack by unknown persons. When it detonated, this is not the truth. What actually happened is he found an MAD explosive at a relative's house and decided he'd take it home.

And then for whatever reason, he decided to repeatedly light and extinguish the fuse on this powerful explosive. I guess just again, like some kind of mission impossible or something. And this is the exact type of thing a 17 year old boy does. After many times successfully lighting the fuse and then putting it out before it explodes, he decides to give it one more tragic go. And this time he can't put it out. So he does something really, really dumb.

Instead of throwing it as far as he could and quickly, he plants the MAD between his thighs, covers it with his hand, and I guess hopes to snuff it out that way. Instead, blows off his hand, his right leg, and blows off his monkey and his pee-wee. Took himself out of adding to the gene pool with one terrible decision. I would feel more comfortable making fun of this dude if he was like 47 instead the gene pool with one terrible decision.

I would feel more comfortable making fun of this dude if he was like 47 instead of 17. What a terrible burden to have to go through the rest of your life, down a hand, down a leg, minus all your junk. And that's the reason why we should make it harder to get sympathy from people. I hope he lies. I hope he lies about how he lost his deck in balls. I hope he tells people to try to save a baby from like a rapid wolf or something. And speaking of dick and balls, this is, this is, I think, the most ridiculous thing because I didn't know this was a thing until I until I came across this. This is another Darwin non-fatality.

Someone who didn't take themselves all the planet, but did, you know, make it impossible for them to reproduce. If you want to inject some cocaine into your body, you're already making terrible life decisions. But if you must, maybe don't squirt it into your peahole. Physicians from New York Hospital Cornell Medical Center reported the case of a 34-year-old man who suffered severe bleeding under the skin after pumping cocaine directly into his peahole. Seriously, this led to complications that destroyed his penis,

nine fingers, and parts of his legs. This is so weird. Here's a quote from Dr. Samuel Perry, the professor of clinical psychiatry there. They fill an eyedropper or a syringe with a cocaine solution and inject it into the penis. The man had injected cocaine before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance. Why do people do she like this in the bedroom? Why can't sex be just enough? Why can't just sex? The man had injected cocaine before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance.

Why do people do she like this in the bedroom? Why can't sex be just enough? Why can't just sex be as far as you need to go? Like it feels really, really good. And if you've tried it, like if an attractive physical body isn't enough for you, maybe instead of shooting coke into your dick, maybe see a therapist at least one time. I mean, at least try it. I feel like that's reasonable. to your dick, maybe see a therapist at least one time. I mean, at least try it.

I feel like that's reasonable. Well, Captain Coke dick was admitted to the hospital because his penis ended up remaining erect for three days after he did this. Hahaha, resulting in the painful inability to urinate. On his third day in the hospital, the man's erection suddenly subsided, and then over the next 12 hours blood leaked into the tissue of his feet, hands,

genders, back and chest, blood, coagulation caused tissue to die over large areas of this patient's body. He was transferred to the burn unit of New York Hospital Cornell Medical Center. Doctors there were forced to amputate the man's legs above the knee, and all but one of his fingers to stop the spread of gangrene. And according to this insane story that we can't verify, this guy's dick just fell off by itself. Like his dick rotted off. The man is currently recovering in a rehabilitation,

a rehabilitation facility as much as you can recover from having your dick rot and fall off. Men who inject cocaine into the penis report that it gives them a sexual high, drug abuse treatment experts have previously reported external use of cocaine as a sexual stimulant. Cocaine powder is rubbed onto the surface of the general organs by both men and women and the effort to halt premature ejaculation or improve sexual sensations. Doctors stated we report this case to alert clinicians to this new method of cocaine abuse and to describe its rare and previously unreported complications. Meet tax please.

If you take one thing and one thing only away from the suck, let it be that you're not supposed to shoot coke into your dick or rub it onto any party your general business. If you need coke, just snort it like a red-blooded goddamn American. Do drugs like a grown-up. All right, now let's head to the Midwest for some more dick tragedy. It is reported that this event occurred in Indiana

in the early 80s, late one March evening, a man named Bruce awoke at the foot of a utility pole in the woods, his dog asleep by his side, and a crispy dead raccoon nearby. Bruce was then alarmed to discover severe burns on his forearms, hands, and genitals, which would eventually become amputated. What happened?

Well the details came out in court when Bruce sued the utility company for removing him from the gene pool. He been out Ratcune hunt. When his dog caught the scent, chased a Ratcune of a powerful pole. The Ratcune perched on a glass insulator. He strapped his trusty steel pole climbers to his boots made his way up the pole, then fried his dick and hands off. The court found Bruce contributory negligent stating it is clear that in climbing the utility pole slapping and squalling at

the raccoon, I love that they wrote slapping and squalling at the raccoon, thereby agitating it when it was periscally close to charged wires. Bruce, Bruce should have appreciated the hazard that ultimately befell him. So very nice court link. Go for like, what the fuck dude? This is all your fault. Yeah, Bruce, not the power company's fault that you are really dumb. It's a fucking powerful, not some kind of raccoon fruit tree, right? Hopefully Bruce is out there somewhere given like one of the most disgusting, don't do

what I did speeches like high school graduations around the nation. You see this kids? Look at where a man's dick and balls are supposed to be. Look at the charred flesh. This is what happens when you try and slap a coon off a power pole. The good Lord smites away your dick. The next mini category of awards is dick related. Let's talk about three sex related Darwin award winners.

Big on Luciferina. A double Darwin award occurred during the active love making on March 21st, 1999 in Bucharest. Romanian soccer, midfielder, Mario, Bujano, 24 and Morella, Lansu, 23 could not wait to make love on a Sunday. As soon as their car was parked in the garage, they started going at it. They died from carbon monoxide poisoning shortly thereafter because leaving a car running in an enclosed, non-ventilated space is a very common suicide method. How they never heard that. You don't leave your car running in an enclosed garage or other enclosed space

ever. Where do you think all the fucking exhaust fumes heading? Also in 1999, this time in May and in Mexico, a young Mexican couple were found dead in the back of a hearse. Same reason, Jose, 23 employed by the Perez Diaz funeral home, met Anna Maria on Saturday for a romantic trist in his hearse. He parked in a warehouse, left the engine running to provide air conditioning, and the enclosed location, the carbon monoxide-laden exhaust fumes seeped into the vehicle, fatally poisoning the couple as they're eventually going to do. Again, right? Don't fuck

in a running car in an unvanulated space. Carbon monoxide poisons, very real. I had a neighbor die of it two years ago when she had a gas leak in her home, not kitty. At least this couple died in a hers to make it the funeral a little easier for the family. Right? I guess you could probably leave them in there. Take them straight to the cemetery. I'm sure they didn't happen. This last sexualized Darwin Award, more of a solo act than a duo.

Some of the story comes from the ledgye witness. It happened in England, May of 2014. Being part of emergency services, firemen are called upon to get people out of unlikely situations. We were summoned to the accident an emergency department of a central London hospital to assist in removing of a quote thing ring. Uh, when our with our ring cutters at the ready, we were presented with the patient, his meat and testicles, extremely swollen on and and such a dark purple. They

were almost blackened. The whole sorry mess was encircled by a thick titanium ring. Normally, the procedure to remove a thing ring is a five minute affair like the thing ring, but our cutters could not make a mark on the titanium. After expanding a number of cutter blades, we had to concede defeat. The man in question had put himself into the situation three days prior to committing himself to accident and emergency care. The lane, the hospital visit due to embarrassment

and an evane hope that it would resolve itself in time. Unfortunately, this error and judgment cost him dearly. The doctors can often drain blood and remove the ring, the way it went on. I love this is the thing they have to deal with on a regular basis. Yet by the time he sought help and our tools had been defeated,

his jewels were passed, saving. And that's one of the, yeah, one of the people who had to respond to this, you know, a quote from them. Man, dude castrated himself. Lesson here is, don't put a ring on your cocking balls that you can't cut off. There are silicone, silicone, whatever, cock rings out there. At least that's what a friend told me, and by friend, I mean, that's what I've put on my deck before. You can put a silicone cock ring on it and

it fucking bends enough. It's firm enough to be tight. That's what you like. It also can bend. And then worst case scenario, emergency services can for sure cut it off. Why don't fucking titanium? What? Like some of this shit, like, why would anyone make that? Okay, let's move it along. This next section is about parting way too hard, parting yourself too death. It can sometimes not work out well when you mix dumb and alcohol or dumb and drugs. This first one made me laugh maybe the hardest of the ones we've come across. In Texas in 2004, a man named Michael decided to drink his liquor with his bottom mouth instead of his

face mouth Which is not how you're supposed to drink his wife said he was addicted to He was addicted to animals And often ingested alcohol in this manner. I For whatever reason I've never heard of this before this like doing an alcohol animal to get drunk I've never heard of this before this, like doing an alcohol and a month to get drunk. One night, this machine shop owner decided to beer bong

some sherry straight into his butthole. Like he reversed pooped two, one and a half liter bottles of sherry. That's more than a hundred fluid ounces straight into his butthole. And then promptly died of alcohol poisoning, which of course is gonna happen. According to toxicology reports, the 58 year olds blood alcohol level was 0.47%. That's nearly six times.

Many states legal limit of 0.08%. How did he think this was going to work out? No sane person would chug as fast as you could get it down like I'm just like it's like like you're in a fucking drinking contest, two full bottles of wine in a matter of sex fortified wine. Why would you think that you could handle that three-year ass? When I was in college, I used to beerbong. I would bong one or two beers at a time, never more than that because I knew a kid whose friend died when he beerbonged a fifth of vodka. Drinking an entire fifth of vodka in about 15 fucking seconds and then died immediately because it stopped his heart. You gotta know your limits. And

two back-to-back bottles of sherry shot straight into your fucking butthole is far beyond anyone's limit. The next two awards have a Halloween theme. The first one is unconfirmed, but it feels possible to me. A college student supposedly cost him himself as Dracula for Halloween. As a finishing touch, he put a pine board down the front of his shirt so he could realistically sink a knife into the board and pretend he was transfixed by a vampire killing steak. Apparently he didn't consider the strength of the thin pine board when he tapped a knife in with a hammer. Propelled by the force of the hammer, the didn't consider the strength of the thin pine board when he tapped the knife in with a hammer

Propel by the force of the hammer the sharp blade split the softwood Ended up bearing itself in his heart. He staggered from his dorm room into the Halloween party died This one may be an urban legend, but I mean I can also see somebody doing this And if you and if they did it's like do get a fake knife or at least you put the board on the floor then hammer in the knife And and special whether it happened or, note to college age suckers, because I remember, you know, this point in life, you feel immortal. Just remember that nature doesn't give a fuck how much potential you have, or how much life you have left to live. Do something stupid and you die just like everybody else.

Here's another Halloween Darwin award. Here's another Halloween Darwin award. Okay, this one is, this one is, do with the mummy suit here, tragic mummy accident. For Halloween in 1998, a Canadian man dressed as a mummy by wrapping himself from head to toe and fluffy cotton batting, the cotton was taped at the wrist and ankles, white gloves running to you, he's completed this ensemble. As the mummy waited for his girlfriend to dress for pictures, I'm gonna go to a Halloween party, and never made it because he carelessly lit a cigarette

and then burst into flames. Firefighters arrived within minutes, but the mummy costume was already reduced to ashes, right down to the white coveralls underneath. The man kept repeating his my fault when they showed up. And then the poor bastard was taking his soldiers Memorial Hospital with second, third degree burns and died the next morning. I feel like this is a good reminder to listeners who smoke smoking kills.

Sometimes very quickly, right? It's not it's not just a way to ingest the drug. It's also, you know, you're holding fire and holding fire next to flammable things. Sometimes bad. Sometimes fire, bad, fire, bad. The last party related award goes to a group of weirdos 1969. On August 15th, 1969, Hurricane Camille claimed 143 victims along the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Most were guilty only of being in the wrong place the wrong time.

Unlike 20 who perished while attending a beachfront, Hurricane party, they threw a hurricane party. They threw a hurricane party. This group ignored several evacuation warnings delivered by emergency teams continued to party, throw some kind of hippie peace and free love party. You know, you know, throw that, you know, like, yeah, we don't, we just fucking, we, this storm's not gonna touch us. We're just smoking some weed, listening to the doors. We're just gonna lay up some Mary Jane and, you know, just fucking chill, man. It'll be cool. Oh, well, there, there are misplaced confidence proved to be tragically misplaced when a 24-foot wave slammed into the apartment building they were in, it destroyed the building, subjected to the party goters to gale force winds, violent ocean surges, and nearly all of them died.

The lesson here is of course, don't listen to the doors. There's a lot better bands from late 60s. Now let's move on to crime. Sometimes crime pays, other times it kills. And we're gonna focus on that kind. We're gonna start in the Philippines. I feel like these are a little easier to laugh at because they are trying to do something criminal.

The first criminal won his Darwin award on May 25, 2000 when he tried to pull a DB Pupr Cooper. Man named Augusto boarded a Philippine air flight to Manila, Dona ski mask and swim goggles pulled out a gun and a grenade. Announce he was hijacking the plane. He demanded the plane return to Deveo city. But the pilots convinced him that the aircraft was low on fuel. They continued on toward Manila.

Manila Augusto undaunted robbed the passengers of about $25,000 ordered the pilots to lower the plane to 6,500 feet. They strapped on a homemade parachute and forced the flight attendants to open the doors and depressurize the plane. And then he, you know, I'm sure it was intended to jump, but the wind was so strong that he had trouble getting out of the plane. Finally, one of the flight attendants, hopefully pushed him out the door just as that son of a bitch tried to throw the fucking grenade back behind him and blow up the plane, pulled

out the pin. And their best case scenario situation followed. The grenade did not go off anywhere near the plane. And of course, his homemade parachute did not open, which I knew was going to happen when it first read homemade parachute. A homemade parachute is the best kind of parachute to not open. He fell to the earth and died. Uh, yeah, just the fucking very dumb plan.

If you're going to try jump out of a plane, maybe buy a parachute from a place that's good at making parachutes. And now we head to Russia. What is big deal? Death in Russia is like soda pop in America. No one cares who drink it or something, listen, something like that. Chica Tilo better than the wrestling than analogy. Late one Russian night in 2007, a comrade named Edward

entered the apartment of a 30 year old handicapped man who slept peacefully as Edward proceeded to rob him. Edward was prepared to leave when suddenly the man woke up. And then the guy said, I couldn't believe my eyes. The dark shape of some goon was standing next to nightstand. This is the burglary victim recalling this. I caught out and he attacked me. I was defenseless. He was with faith.

I had no choice. I hit him between legs with my crutch and he leap out the window. Thank God I live on first floor. He did not die from fall. I didn't understand it first. What had fallen out of his pants. When I looked closer, I realized that it was testicle,

a man's testicle. I put it in cold water and rushed to phone. Then the handicap man dialed emergency services several times, but the doctors kept hanging up on him. I want to tell them that he ripped the burger's balls off. Half an hour later, the blood-covered thief was found by a passerby who called the police. The unconscious man was lying on the sidewalks at the police investigator. When the medics revived him, allegedly, he started screaming hysterically, give me back my balls.

Edwards generals were so traumatized, the doctors had their amputee, the entire scrotum. So both balls are lost to prevent gangrene. He lived, but he will not create any more burglars. And wow, what a nice hit with that crutch, by the way. Man, that was a hell of a shot. Now let's move on away from genitals and move to painting your face, which you're not supposed to do with certain kinds of paint.

In South Carolina in 2009, two disguised men entered the sprint store on Sparkleberry Lane, pulled out guns, stole Wallace, purses and credit cards from employees before ordering them into a bathroom. Both men fled, seemingly got away. However, 23-year-old James James T had disguised himself by painting his face gold. Yes, he'd covered his skin with gold spray paint, no less. Now, these

paints are clearly labeled, says, do not get on skin, do not get in eyes, do not inhale, paint fumes of this sort are known to be very toxic. And the metallic colors, partially noxious. James began having trouble breathing, died, weezing shortly after the robbery took place. That insult injury the disguise was ineffective. Witnesses were certain as to the identity of the other assailant had he lived. James, like his surviving accomplice, would have been charged with armed robbery after being easily caught due to being very identifiable, due to having paint all over his fucking face. How do you decide to paint your face instead of just wearing a mask,

right, just putting nylons over your face? Get a fucking t-shirt, wrap it up, cut some holes in it, do something, how are you like, ah, we don't have time for that. Hey, hey, grab that bottle of spray paint, just spray my face real fast. A lot of the dumb, criminal Darwin Award stories have something to do with a criminal electrician himself.

One guy thought he was stealing a bunch of copper when he put his bolt cutters through an aluminum cable carrying 11,000 volts was immediately fried. Another Darwinian tale involves an inmate, a metal toilet, and biting down on a live wire trying to fix his TV. And the next crime story might be the purest Darwin Awards so far, one of them.

In 1990, in the state of Washington, the following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spread occurred. A guy entered a gun shop in the middle of the day to rob it. The shop was full of customers, including a uniformed police officer. Apparently this criminal had to step around the officer's car to get inside the shop. Upon entering, the would be robber announced his intentions to hold up the store, fired a couple of warning shots, and then the cop

shot and killed him. So, you know, maybe if you're going to rob some place and you see a cop in the place, if you see it like a cop car in the parking lot, maybe wait a few minutes for them to leave. Just a thought. Now we head to Siberia. One of the top spots on my list of places, I'm least interested in visiting. In December 2008, 23 year old,

Strahunja, Reseta was wanted by Croatian police for murder and for robbery of a central post office, aided by his friend who lent Reseta 1500 1500 euros he fled to Serbia to evade the law finding himself unable to earn or steal the funds needed to reimburse his friend resetted attempted to end the matter in another way by murdering his friend he crawled under his lenders jeep to plant and explosive however the muffler was still hot and the heat set off the explosive while he was beneath the vehicle. He died in a hospital in the Serbian capital city of Belgrade.

Only sad part of that story to me is that his friend never got his money back. And I imagine at a hard time getting his Siberian auto insurance to cover getting his car blown the fuck up. And now we travel to the Siberia of America, Ohio. Uh, Katie, Ohio just happened to be the next story. I'm pretty sure Alaska anywhere north of Fairbanks is the Siberia of America Ohio. Katie, Ohio just happened to be the next story. I'm pretty sure Alaska anywhere north of Fairbanks is the Siberia of America. On the evening of July 4th, 1991, three fucking idiots, three eaten men. James Billy and Ashley were killed after their blue Ford pickup rolled over on a country

road. Hogs and alcohol were contributing factors to this accident. Sheriff Andrew Watts has said we found several beer cans in and around the scene. The driver had a blood alcohol content twice a legal limit. The events unfolded like this. This is the most, this is so ridiculous. The three men spent a national holiday drinking later that evening. They were struck with the sudden craving for some pork chops. I guess they wanted a real fresh sudden craving for some pork chops. I guess they wanted a real fresh because instead of trying to find some 24 hour grocery store

um they at 11 p.m. they drove 10 miles to a pig farm intent on stealing one of the hogs one of the men scaled the fence tied in the one end of a rope to a big ass pig the other two men started pulling on the 400 pound beast the stress of the struggling hog was too much for the six foot Changling fence, a 14 foot section collapsed loudly, started in the other hogs into a stampede. I was asleep when I heard this guy off when Noah is explaining John Wilson, owner of the farm.

I run out of the house with my shotgun and shot off both barrels in the air and yelled at them to get on out. Well, the friends, they still had a hold of the one hog. Loaded up the stolen pig and a flash, tied the rope, the truck, sped down a country road in the excess of 90 miles an hour, and they forgot to buckle their seat belts. Three miles down the road, the hog began making a commotion in the back of the pickup truck.

Of course, it did. Caused the vehicle to swerve wildly, and then the swerving through the hog out of the back of the truck. Now it's been dragged along the side of the dirt road. Once it starts to be dragged, obviously that affects the trajectory of the back of the truck. Now it's been dragged along the side of the dirt road. You know, once it starts to be dragged, obviously that affects the trajectory of the vehicle and distracts the driver. The driver hits a soft shoulder.

The truck rolls 40 feet, ejects all three men from the vehicle, kills all three men. And very hard to feel bad for these guys. I feel bad for the hog. And when it's fucking dragged it to death, apparently the hog did somehow survive the accident and was rewarded a year later by being butchered. Not exactly happy ending.

Although I do imagine it was put down in a much more humane way than being dragged down the road by drunk hillbillies. Some criminals like to leave calling cars behind because there's huge douchebags. In March of 1998, Randy Nestor 28 was a car thief who would often set cars on fire. Setting the car on fire, he reasoned help the owners collect insurance on their vehicles. This criminal habit became his downfall. After a 10 year career of theft, Randy burned to death in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, in a van, which he had set on fire from the inside.

He forgot to the door handle on the driver's side. It was broken, friends said to release him, but the door was locked. Apparently, this guy forgot the golden rule of setting cars on fire, which is how the doors be open before he set them on fire. Make sure the doors open. Ideally, don't be inside the car. Set the car on fire from the outside. The worst way you can set it on fire is to go inside, shut all the doors, get the the fire going then try to get out 1999 This is one of the funnier ones to me in 1999 Mexican jail guard died while supervising an inmates conjugal visit

By supervising I mean watching and pleasure himself Raul D. S. was closely watching an inmate bang his lady From the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent crashed through the skylight bang his lady from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent crashed through the skylight fell 23 feet to land beside the bed with with the inmate and his wife were enjoying an intimate moment. Local law enforcement board of the guard was clutching a pornographic magazine to one hand, which was retained as evidence and binoculars. Look, look, here's a lesson here. You're not supposed to jerk off anyway, any place where you can easily fall to your death.

That I think about that. Well, I'm about to jerk off. I think, hey, can I fall to my death? No? Okay, then I'm going to jerk it. I think like am I safe in my bed right now? Okay, I am. Good. Am I in a hotel bed?

That's safe. Am I standing in front of Reverend Dr. Joe Paisley's desk right before he comes in for work for the day? Yep. It's a good place to do it. Now let's look at some educated Darwin award winners. Not everyone who wins the Darwin award is dumbass. A lot of them aren't. And some especially are very educated. Here's a handful of smarty pants about a stupid way to leave their bodies.

Gary Hoy was a respected Toronto lawyer and philanthropist. Sadly, he is now mostly remembered for his embarrassing death while attending a reception for new students, he decided to demonstrate the strength of the boardrooms unbreakable, quote-unquote, windows by throwing himself against them. Unfortunately, they proved less indestructible than advertised, and a lawyer plunged 24 stories into the courtyard below. According to witnesses, Hoi would often do this stunt to impress visitors, but would normally just bounce harmlessly off the glass.

Indeed, tempting fate, he'd already performed the trick once during the reception before making his ill-fated second attempt. Hoi falls into the category of people who should have known better. He was a well-educated post graduate and former professional engineer. As such, he should have realized that the unbreakable claim was not literally true. And maybe he should have had, you know, an unbreakable paint of glass installed that just separates one office from the lobby or something. Something where the worst case scenario is looking like a jackass, not dying like a jackass.

That is one I relate to not at all. Never would do that way to afraid of falling to my death. I probably wouldn't die the following way either because I'm also not interested in risking getting my head crushed. Very anti getting my head crushed. This next award winner proves that not all scientists are credit equal. Astronomers need to have a good understanding of the universe. Sadly, some of these highly qualified individuals are still absent-minded enough to forget really

basic facts. Award winning astronomer Mark Aronson, PhD was working late at night on April 30, 1997 at the kit peak national observatory in Tucson, Arizona, where he'd won an award. He'd probably sooner not have claimed. In order to ensure that the sky was clear enough of clouds for accurate viewing, the astronomer periodically stuck his head out of a hatch at the top of the dome. Bear in mind that the one golden rule of the observatory was that you shouldn't check outside the dome when the telescope is in motion. However, in his eagerness to get a good view, he disregarded this directive. The designers at the kit peak

observatory had tried to idiot proof the telescope by making sure it shut down when someone opened the hatch. Unfortunately, big views of equipment and it doesn't stop immediately. The heavy dome is momentum meant that it kept turning for just a second or two after being switched off. And then Dr. Arenson's head was idiotically crushed in these moments. Okay, now it's time for a booby trap backfire. Just because you can build a booby trap,

doesn't mean it's not going to kill its creator. Lewis Deathy was a senior citizen with grudge. His wife divorced him. He believed his kid and grandchildren had abandoned him. And his mother bequeathed the house that he had built to one of his daughters. The Ethi was a highly qualified, retired engineer with a pension for booby traps.

Such a weird thing to have a pension for. What's your pension for? Uh, booby traps. Like to make booby traps. Really? Huh, I mean, I mean, I'm going to be with a pension for like smoking, interesting pipes or a pension for for listening to unusual music, but never boo-hoo traps. In a world of diabolical creativity, 79-year-old Dithy transformed his home into a death trap.

He used nylon fishing wire to rig up 19 different concealed shotguns. It's got to be clearly out of his fucking mind. He rigged out 19 concealed shotguns to common household items such as stacks of plates, chest, crates of beer, unbelievably. The bitter old man intended to kill her main, his family when they came in to claim the house he believed was rightfully his. However, poor memory may have been his undoing. The Belgian engineer accidentally triggered one of his own traps, fired a shotgun, blasted into his neck, blood out and died almost immediately. Police officers who found the man assumed that he committed suicide, then only discovered the truth when their detective nearly killed themselves opening a wooden chest.

Took authorities three weeks to decode the insane engineers clues to find the rest of the movie traps. If you've seen any of the saw films, you'll appreciate the media referring to him as a real-life jigsaw. What a terrible saw movie history would make. Like instead of a franchise, it would just be a one-and-done short film. Just would you like to play a game in this room? You'll find or grizzly fate. All of you will die unless you can. Oh fuck fuck. I've just shot myself. Hey new game everybody, listen, forget about the shot myself. Hey, new game, everybody. Listen, forget about the last game. New game is who can get an ambulance here the fastest?

Just the code to get out of the room you're trapped in is 666. Please, I'm bleeding a lot. This is not the game I was hoping to play. I'm so sorry to waste every once in a time. Now let's get historical for some Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards technically began in the early 90s, but stupid deaths have been happening since before made sacks were even living in caves To start we headed to the 19th century more specifically to November 6, 1816 a man named governor Morris

Yes, his parents named him governor Would go on to be a come a senator this guy is actually the author of the preamble to the US Constitution known as the Penement of the Constitution a founding father one of the dudes who signed the articles of Confederation and the US Constitution, let a very successful life and then exited with a needless death. Dude died from a shovin, I swear, a whale bone into his urethra. He was 64 and no, this isn't another weird ass Albert Fish joke. Wasn't, hello my baby, hello my darling, take a whale bone in my ween. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bumen. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, now, Morse died from an infection after he decided to try the medical procedure of clearing

out as you read through a blockage himself, despite being friends with Benjamin Franklin, who invented the flexible catheter back in 1752. You can accomplish so, so much, you can be incredibly successful and still die because of one terrible lapse in judgment. Yeah, and we have another one coming up here soon as the incredible lapse in judgments. The lesson here specifically is to not shove a whale bone inside your dick or any other place. Our next historical Darwin Award winner, we go all the way back to the 12th century. Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I was busy on the third crusade to recapture the Holy Land. He and his army had trudged across a dry summer desert and then they

came to a river they needed to cross. Frederick still wearing his heavy armor, which is so thirsty and just not his right from a mine, he decided just to jump right away into the river without taking up his armor, sank to the bottom and drown. For those of you who have listened to Napoleon episode, suck 134. You may remember several of Napoleon's men doing the same thing when they got really thirsty. Another good lesson here. Next time you're dressed up in heavy armor,

take it off before jumping into deep body of water. Even if it's a pool, hard for lifeguards to save somebody at the YMSA pool if they've dressed in chain mail. You're supposed to leave your armor in the locker room. And for our last award winner, this is actually my favorite one. We head to the 19th century. In 1863, arguably intelligent person, a lawyer named Clement, Valindigam, weird name, Valindigham, fucking stupid name, Valindigham, damn fucking stupid name. Valen dig ham combined.

Maybe this is maybe he wanted to die. Maybe he had that name for too long and he wanted out of here. This guy, this lawyer, had been banished from the North for his anti-Lincoln speeches and was representing a client who had allegedly committed a murder with a gun.

The accused man's defense was that the victim had drawn his own gun in a fashion that caused it to fire and kill himself. To prove the defense argument, Clement demonstrated the victim's method of drawing a gun using a fucking loaded evidence gun as a prop. The firearm went off, he lost his life, but I guess proved his case. Like what the fuck, do you understand here?

He is trying to prove the loaded gun can in fact go off When you when you just draw it in a careless manner And you can kill yourself and to do that he demonstrates exactly that and it works Urana, I show you that it is quite simple to actually shoot oneself when improperly drawn loaded weapon. Allow me to demonstrate by improperly drawing loaded weapon. If my hypothesis is correct, I shall be very dead in a few moments. And my client shall be a free man who I hope has a decency to attend my funeral and thank my lifeless body. So that's it, so that's it, meet sacks. I found this suck to be more educational than I thought it would be. I want to be honest.

I didn't want to do this suck. This is a space lizard topic voted in. When I saw it in the voting board, I was like, nope, don't want it. Don't want to do it. I get it. It's a quick little joke. But it became for me a nice reminder of the many things that we're not supposed to do. It just reminded that none of us are immune from dying

and needless death. It can be easy to laugh off Darwin award winners, you know, doing shit where we think we're too smart to do, but I bet each and every one of us can think of a moment when had basically a coin toss gone the other way, we could have easily ended up on today's list. I could have ended up on today's list so many times. I remember jumping off a roof into a pool of water four feet deep

back in high school. I hurt my feet, somehow I didn't die. And the pool, you had to jump over a considerable distance to make it into the water. One slip and you just land on the side of the pool. I remember stepping out into the street, hammered drunk back in college, getting honked out by a car that just had to swerve to avoid running me over. Almost blew myself up. As I, you know, back in high school, trying to make a bomb, almost sliced my hand off with a skill saw just a few years ago

when I decided, I don't need saw horses. I can just hold some shit on my leg and cut it. You know, just sticking around running down a mountain side once when I was in junior high, I almost ran straight off a cliff. Luckily, a buddy who was with me grabbed me before I just flew off the edge and on and on and on. So many examples.

Whether or not you believe in evolution, please believe that the Reaper doesn't give a fuck about you or anybody else. Don't make the Grim Reaper's job any easier than that cold-blooded job needs to be. That it already is. So, hail Nimrod. Don't die.

In the ways we've just talked about. And now it is time for today's top five takeaways. Time, Chuck. Top five takeaways. Number one, the first major takeaway is what I just said. This could be you or me. Of all the stupid things that people do, it's not that big of a stretch for any of us

to end up like some of these folks. Like we just learned, and not even a high level of education can save you from winning an award and nobody wants to win. Number two, never push a whale bone into your p-hole or any other hole. Stay away from whale bones. Number three, don't have a poison snake

for a pet or any other reason. Seriously, no one who is cool thinks that it's cool. You want a snake, fine. Get one that won't kill you with one bite. Number four, evolution is more than just a theory. It's been proven creatures evolve. Think of those blue muscles in the peppered moth. There is more to learn, but all science point to evolution being extremely factual. Also, evolving from monkeys doesn't negate religion, especially if you've used scripture as symbolic rather than literal. Science and religion can be friends. They can get along.

I know that for a fact, because Nimrod and Lucifin are told me. Number five, new info. Let's look at one last interesting Darwin award. There were a number of Darwin awards linked to extreme kind of ex-game type extreme sports, guy skiing into helicopter blades purposely trying to start an avalanche only to die in it. There are fun water sports stories like a guy trying to rewire his jet ski while in the water and electro themselves. There are more than a couple bungee jumping incidents where people forgot that bungee

gourds, cords stretch and they would smash their brains into the earth below. Also at least one claim of a man trying to go real extreme and ride his jet ski off of a waterfall. Let's talk about him. 1995, a particularly daring daredevil. Name Robert decided to attempt something no one had ever attempted before because it's extremely fucking stupid. He tried to ride his jet ski off of Niagara Falls. Lindsay and I went to Niagara Falls last year and one look at it and you can quickly assess that's a great way to die. To be fair,

Robert did fit his jet ski with a parachute, but he failed to take into an account or taken to account how racing through water and into rapids of the falls would make his parachute apparatus very, very wet. He also had a rocket apparatus built into the jet ski to shoot him out away from the fall so we could deploy his parachute, but rocket boosters and lots and lots of water. Don't make the best of friends. As Robert hurtled toward the falls and pressed the button, his utterly soaked rocket booster failed to ignite, plummetied off the edge, he tried to parachute,

but this parachute wasn't waterproof either and failed to deploy. The only thing Robert accomplished was plummeting to an easily avoidable death. Don't be a Robert, meat sacks. Do everything you can to stick around. Be a barber. Do you hear any stories about bobert? Dine?

And any of these stories? Sure, it didn't. Don't be robber. Be bobert. Time suck. Top five takeaways. Darwin War episode has been sucked. Hope you enjoyed a different kind of episode.

Hope you didn't mind my pauses. It's just a little different when you're bouncing kind of from the topic to topic. My brain, I've trained it in a different way. It was a challenge for me. Hopefully it was a fun challenge. Hope you enjoyed it. Look into evolution and a look into several things to never, ever do. Thanks to the time stock team, thanks to Queen of the Suck Lindsey Cummins, high priest of the Suck Harmony Valley camp. So yes, he guardian of grammar, dobuna, Reverend Dr. Joe Paisley, time suck high priest Alex Dougan, the guys at Bidelixer, danger brain, access to peril. Thanks to Zach, script keeper, flannery for lining up all of our good, Darwin award winners and giving me a good, good peak Charles Darwin and evolution.

Next week, very excited for this topic. I've been thinking about it for a long, long time. We're going to talk about America's homeless epidemic. Next, we're gonna take a close look at the homeless situation in America. Data reveals that over 1.7 million people will experience homelessness this year, terrifying. That's a lot of meat sacks. Number of questions that we hope to answer with this suck.

Who are these folks? How many of your kids, vets, single mothers, living down the street and shelters? How did it get this way? Has it improved over the years or gotten worse? What can we do to make it better? What are the causes of homelessness? What do people who live without a home say about it? Our mission is to understand the nuances and think rationally and critically about this subject We found this to be an emotional and controversial topic to many when we understand that the human default position for all of human history is poverty, how does today's homeless situation compare to other nations into our own history? Is it better to be homeless in San

Francisco than in his in Moscow or Tokyo? Which nations do the best job with the homeless? Who needs the most help? According to several recent studies, much of America is just two paychecks away from becoming homeless themselves. How do we as a society do better than that? If we can't offer any potential solutions to this problem, at the very least we can arrive at a better understanding of the situation by taking a good, hard look at it and as a step in the right direction. And now let's take another step in the right direction.

Let's check in with you wonderful meat sex within the cold of the curious with today's time-soaker updates. You wonderful meat sacks within the cold of the curious with today's Time Sucker Updates. Updates, get your time sucker updates. Starting off with a missed joke opportunity brought to my attention by Madeline Masters. Time Sucker Madeline writes, Master Sucker, I cannot believe you do not say load the Greg, aim the Greg, Greg fire the Greg one single time during the King Arthur suck. Especially when there was an excellent scene of Monty Python's the Holy Grail that includes

catapulting livestock over the castle walls. Reverend Dr. Joe Paisy loves that scene. He was a show me a great game of thrones. Monty Python mash up involving that very scene. That's all I have to say. Thanks for all you do. Love Maddie. Well, thank you, Maddie, and Damit. That would have been perfect. Got too many jokes. Keep track of now. Could have snuck that though into one of the stories. Just load the Merlin.

Aim the Merlin. Fire the wizard. And now a historical King Arthur update coming in from Justine Taver, Justine writes, greetings, O Lord of the Suck, King of the Curious, and Bojangles best human. I back back Europe a few years ago. How lucky that's awesome. Was lucky enough to visit the village of Heistat, a spell of Hallstatt. So according to Justin, I'm going to go with Justin since she's been there. Heistat, where they still have the world's oldest and most continuous in-use salt mine.

You can tour and ride down in a super sweet slide. That's awesome. In addition to their salt mines, the citizens of Highstadt have a few other amazing bits of history to them. Back during the Nazi invasion of Austria, the village located on a small plotter land facing a massive lake and set in some mountains. I've seen pictures in its gorgeous. The village bombed out or barricaded the tunnel that cuts through the mountains for travel to ensure that the Nazis would not be able to reach them and claim their historical artifacts or destroy their salt mines. That's amazing. Also, in Highstadt, a bone house where all who die in the village eventually end up. Once a citizen has died, have been buried the only, they only stay in the ground long enough

decompose before they are dug up and prepared to be displayed in the bone house. A sacred place, the bonehouse is connected to village's church and visitors can tour through it if they like, and as long as they remain respectful. Skoles are treated and painted by the families of those who have passed, and had their bones placed on one of the shelves. Typically, flowers or hearts are used for children, and other symbols representative of the deceased are used for adults. How? What an interesting tradition. Due to their isolationism at different points in human history, the village of High Slats has managed to maintain a modest population and hold on to their cultures very special and specific values. It's a gorgeous place to visit and an amazing place to study for anyone interested in anthropology or sociology.

Hail Lucifina, keep on sucking Nim Nimrod's faithful servant, Justin Justine Taber. PS, I don't know if you remember, but you and I spoke over Facebook a little over a year ago and how much the suck means to me, about how much the suck means to me, and how it helped me deal with the trauma and anxiety of my then recent car wreck, as I had to drive about four hours

every week for physical therapy. Yes. Well, I'm no longer in physical therapy. I've had a third surgery since that time. The suck and the cult of the curious members continue to hold a special place in my heart. I can't wait to see him portal in this October for my second year of surviving my wreck.

I'll be bringing my boyfriend and a friend who I introduce to the suck, Crystal. Well, I do remember you, Justin. I'm so glad you're doing better. And thank you for sharing all of this information about high-stat and how to say it. Now I really want to go visit this little place. I'm glad the Colt the Curious is able to help you out. I'm glad you're getting friends involved in the Colt the Curious spread and suck. And yeah, what a long interesting tradition this little

village has had. Now I got to get there one of these days. Some misdirection anger and then some praise coming in now from Adam Richie. Adam writes, Hey, master suck, are you one for meat sack? I was gonna wait to send it an email with a whole bunch of praise. And the one time you got me with the misdirect until I was caught up in officially a space lizard. Well, fuck that and fuck you, God damn it. You got my blood boil today as I was finishing the case Anthony suck. Seriously, I was super pissed when you said she was running the daycare, I'm

at work when I listen and I damn near shout are you fucking kidding me? And you finally said she lost kids there and a twisted piss smile came across my face. Well played sir, well played, played. Saying that, I may as well tell you also got me with the McGill's pop. I've digested problems that tend to have me on the toilet too much. When you said people were blowing out the rassol from cholera I was generally worried genuinely worried thinking shit. That'll be me soon Now every time I hear you say that I giggle a bit should have warned you this was gonna be long-winded I love the podcast and you stand up as do my kids

Like so many I found you on Pandora, but I found the podcast through an old app I was using. I use the time suck app now. Listen to the order of the sample, solar temple doomsday cult and said, I'm going back to the whole catalog. Holy shit, I'm glad I did. There have been a few I've skipped because the amnivil scared the shit out of me and that's not my back. Since I've joined the cult of curious, shout out to all the time suck meat sacks out there, you guys renew my faith in humanity every day.

Now to praise you, Dan. I mentioned earlier, I want to thank you for not giving up on. You guys renew my faith in humanity every day. Now to praise you, Dan, I mentioned earlier, I wanna thank you for not giving up on this podcast and the community that's born from it. I'm a huge fan of standup and know the long hours, lots of travel, shitty gigs. Yeah, multiple lows that hit for those willing to commit to it. Me, I'm afraid to go get up there.

But to do that and spend so much time creating this baby now monster of a podcast, the stretch you thin, I thank you again. I also recently watched your TEDx talk very well done. When I finished, I believe that I believed that had you not gone the route you didn't comedy, you would have made one hell of a college professor teaching critical. Thank you. I'd have taken that class to the professor like you and many others would have to.

Anyway, I could keep going, but I'll stop. Hail Nimrod. Keep on sucking. You are soon to be space lizard. Adam Richie. PS, if you don't mind, I'd like to write the legend of the profit of Nimrod, Dr. Reverend General Dan Cummins and his final defeat of the underworld minions, Alex Jones, David Iconigrants. Also, I'm not sure if you saw the YouTube video posted about five months ago now, about at least a lamb. Apparently, it was someone else on the video because she

had teleported. That's what they're saying. I fucking laughed my ass off at this ridiculous video. I haven't seen that video. That does sound, yep, exactly like the kind of shit I look at the internet on the internet. Would love to get some fan fiction. Please, please write that at them. And thanks for all that. Yeah.

Thank you very much. I did think many years ago when I was younger about staying in school to become a professor and I'm so glad I didn't actually because I have temper issues. It works out for stand up. Stand up, somebody's being rude to show, I can just verbally abuse them and say anything I think about them. That would not work in a classroom setting. I'm glad I'm aware of that.

Now a sweet message from a very sweet man. I have met many times now a man who I'm so happy has found his tribe, Mr. Chase Hender, great space lizard, time cigarette rights, dear Dancom, Joe Dick, Zacharias, Queen of the Suck, everyone else doing fantastic work for the cult to curious. This may be a bit lengthy, but I've got to get this out my chest.

For starters, you may remember me from Salt Lake, I do. I gave you a card, I asked you what your dream in life was. To be honest, I forgot what your answer was. I fucking forgot to. Anyway, so like you, Dan, I despise idiocy amongst the population that I interact with every day in life. I couldn't pinpoint why it wasn't until you dance stating in secret suck episode 64,

explaining how and why you make fun of people that mislead, doing more harm than good, that I realize why I can't stand certain people. So I and my older and younger siblings have grown up raised by a wacky doodle of a father. that mislead, doing more harm than good, that I realize why I can't stand certain people. So I and my older and younger siblings have grown up raised by a wacky doodle of a father. He believed in so many ridiculous things, MK Ultra, chemtrails, governments, hidden agendas, 9-11 being demolished with thermite explosive, just to name a few. With him as an influencer of what to believe, I started becoming quite lonely at school,

thinking that everyone was fools, they didn't, they weren't properly informed, I became very introverted and disconnected. There were days where he sat our asses in front of the TV watching hours of DVDs of the propaganda that he believed in. It wasn't until I started a high school. And my dad, having his own radio show, that I started doubting what he was teaching me in my siblings. I started thinking more rationally, decided to believe the evidence backing up what people claimed to be true. It was also around this time that my father was three years into

being diagnosed with alpha one antitrepsin, maybe spelled wrong. Yeah, I don't, he was receiving a weekly drain of the liquids that built up in his belly from his liver, as well as taking medications from his wacky little friends. It wasn't until my senior year and the fourth quarter of the thing started taking a turn for the worse, there was one to two months of school left. My dad went to the hospital more frequently, which had an effect on my determination on my school work, which infuriated him in mid-May.

He got pissed at my siblings, and I for not going to church, while he went to the hospital for an emergency. Twice within five to seven days, he went into a comatose state. He was awake, but his brain wasn't there It was like he was sleepwalking but worse. I Try to explain to him what happened the next day and it must have depressed a hell out of him My mom lost her shit and told my dad's friends to take their medical shit and to never come back

After that he had another emergency hospital run came back three days later going into painful details with my brother and I of how he was stabbed several times with the catheter. Apparently it wasn't working right the first few times. I remember helping him with his heating pad, adjusting it under his back, saying, I wanted to do everything I can to help. The next morning, I found him asleep on the cows next to my mom. I decided to let him sleep because of how much hell he went through recently. He didn't wake up and he was in a coma for the rest of his life. We decided to pull the plug on him because it would be better than being a vegetable for the rest of his life. We decided to pull the plug on him because it would be better than being a vegetable for the rest of his life. During everything that happened,

my dad didn't take the doctor approved medications. He took whatever placebo effect pills that his quote unquote, friends had given him. I have pain because my dad decided to believe in people who weren't licensed or didn't have the legal rights to treat him properly. I despised it as he because it was due to ignorant people claiming to know better than licensed doctors

that my dad died. I try to be as understanding as possible, but it fucking hurts when ignorance leads to someone else being hurt. I found time stuck in 2016, started listing religiously. A green with most, a green with most of what you say.

I love those, by the way. I love, I don't think one message has ever come in where someone's like, hey man, I agree with everything you say. I know that I can be a little bit of a loose cannon. Agreed with most of what you say, except the Rhone Oak recleuse spider. It was because of our call to the curious that I've expanded the way I think and tree others.

And I'd like to personally thank you, Joe, the previous Reverend Doctor, Lindsay, is that how you spell it? You got it close. Zach and everyone else doing their work to make time suck and the secret suck with the art of day. Well, thank you so much, Chase. I too find it refreshing to realize there's there's like minded folk out there. People who get is turned off by these wacky little Zidu people who generally just get frustrated by wanton lazy ignorance and need a place to vent. So glad you found

us, Chase. So sorry about your dad. Hail Nimrod, my friend. I'll see you again in Salt Lake City. And that is it for today. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. Have a great week, everybody.

Don't fuck with dangerous animals or fight on the freeway this week. Or even worse, don't fight with dangerous animals on the freeway this week, or even worse, don't fight with a dangerous animal on a freeway. If you check out early, how are you supposed to keep on sucking? Buncher! Buncher! Buncher!