Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 147 - Revolutionary War

Starting point is 00:00:00 In the late 18th century, a relatively small, rag-tag group of American colonists would defeat the military of the most powerful empire in the world, the British Empire, and they gave birth to a nation that would itself soon become the most powerful nation in the world, the United States of America, a nation that ironically would save Britain and the rest of Europe from almost certain defeat at the hands of the Nazis just over a century and a half later. Today, just days after the 4th July, America's Independence Day, commemorated the United States Declaration of Independence, signed on July 4, 1776, were breaking down the events of the Revolutionary War, and maybe more importantly, the events that lit up to the Revolutionary

Starting point is 00:00:38 War. Following the end of the French and Indian War in 1763 that kept France from kicking early American colonizers out of the Ohio River Valley, and perhaps off of the French and Indian War in 1763 that kept France from kicking early American colonizers out of the Ohio River Valley and perhaps off of the continent itself, Britain was deeply in debt and decided to tax the American colonies to help repay that debt. And the colonists, well, they didn't care for that decision. They didn't like taxes. And they really didn't like how they had no say when it came to being taxed. They were irritated by the whole taxation without representation situation.

Starting point is 00:01:06 And the harder Britain tried to collect money for a war that did in fact protect and save its early American colonists, the more those colonists grew weary of being governed by a nation that felt less and less, like they were a part of a nation that felt more and more like a foreign ruler. And eventually, barely a decade removed from a war where Britain had fought on behalf of American colonists to protect him from the French. The Americans now fought against the British and were eventually aided by the French. Funny how your greatest enemy one day can become your strongest ally the next.

Starting point is 00:01:39 How exactly did this war begin? Why was it really fought? How much do you know about the most important war in American history? Find out all of this and more and hopefully have some laughs along the way in this patriotic, yah yah, edition of TimeSuck. Happy Monday. Welcome back to the cult of the curious meat sacks. Hope you had a great fourth, but later happy fourth of July, all the American meat sacks. Recording the suck in advance of the fourth and hoping I had a great time on the fourth at the fourth July barbeque my wife Lindsey aka queen of the suck puts together every year. It's becoming

Starting point is 00:02:24 a tradition. She loves more and more. I hope I still have all my fingers as you're listening to this. I'm Dan Cummins, the master sucker, Uncle Sam's footstool. Solden of the Suck Summer. Dan Keeta, the Nana, fruit sex, sucker. And you are listening to Time Suck. Recording today in the Suck Dungeon here in Cordelay, Idaho, Reverend Dr. Joe Motherfuck

Starting point is 00:02:43 and Paisley, Zach, Scripkeeper, Flannery,, queen of the suck, Lindsey, all around doing things, pushing buttons, reading things, writing things. Hail Nimrod, Hail Lucifer, triple M, praise triple M, feeling triple M, little extra today, soon you will be two. Huge thanks to our spaces, for supporting this show financially and allowing us to give $2,600 this month to a hundred plus abandoned dogs of Everglades, Florida rescue. Praise about, Jangles. Put your red rocket away. Good boy. Right now hundreds of abandoned dogs are Roman in the Everglades area of

Starting point is 00:03:16 Florida, Florida city, homestead, Redlands, the surrounding areas of Southeast Florida. They're hungry, thirsty, injured, sick, pregnant and more. They've been dumped there by their previous owners, often after being neglected and abused for years. I've seen some of the pictures, sometimes severely abused. These poor law souls left to survive in the harshest of conditions, battling extreme heat, dehydration, enduring mosquito attacks, tick infestations, suffering from heartworm and mange, dodging speed and cars, fighting off, youising the snakes, alligators, other wild animals. I think it's venomous.

Starting point is 00:03:49 I think it's venomous snakes. I took it off from their website. I'm not the only person the mess is that up. It's venomous, I rescue, I think. Ugh. The mission of the Hunter Plus abandoned dogs have ever glades floor the rescues to rescue these creatures, bring them back to health,

Starting point is 00:04:02 show them that not all humans are bad. And that love and a warm bed are just around the corner. Beyond that, they were to raise awareness about the brutal reality of abandoned pets. Why is time suck donating to this organization? Well because last week I took Penny Poopers and Ginger Bell up into the mountains here and Idaho and I abandoned them and I do feel a little bit guilty. In my defense, I've been asking them for weeks to wag their tails and squill with joy a little bit less when I come home and they don't fucking listen. So now they're probably in a coyotes

Starting point is 00:04:30 belly. Now we're donating because we've had a lot of spaces to ask us to donate to various animal shelters. Why a Florida shelter? Because our close friends and mentors over at the immediate over time with Tom and Dan podcast lost someone close to them. Last month, Travis, Tom and Dan's in house, go to Guy for just about everything you can imagine, lost his brother Jordan in a sudden and tragic accident. I had the pleasure of hanging out with Jordan this past March on the Tom and Dan cruise.

Starting point is 00:04:55 It's a bright light in the world. No doubt about it. It was funny, kind, adventurous, huge animal lover. And the Butler family asked it in lieu of gifts or flowers, donations be made on his behalf to a hundred plus abandoned dogs of Everglades floor to rescue so rest in peace Jordan Thank you space lizards for letting us do that and Thank you for all the recent podcast ratings and reviews on places like iTunes They for sure help us find new listeners. We appreciate that greatly so many new listeners lately. Thanks for showing up and sticking around

Starting point is 00:05:23 Exciting summer here in the suck dungeon. My new field of heat vinyl album going to be out soon. Fuck Chuck story, burning wean on a heater story. So many crazy stories. Gonna be available on various limited presents of vinyl. They're available for pre-order right now. Lock in. This purchase the album will ship out into live 15th. You can get that link in today's episode description. It just takes you right over to the Romana's records Shopify store.

Starting point is 00:05:49 Also take it selling fast for the taping on my next standup special in Detroit. I'm pumped Friday, October 18th, two shows of the Crow football and Rampaniac Michigan cool indie rock venue. Gonna be a super fun light, cameras, lights. And I think some of the funniest and most outrageous jokes I've ever told on stage. Really letting a rip on this one. A over an hour standup, and I think some of the funniest and most outrageous jokes I've ever told on stage Really letting a rip on this one over an hour stand up

Starting point is 00:06:07 And I think basically all of it is too fucked up to ever be safe enough for a late night TV spot Links to both early and late shows in the episode description other upcoming tour dates include Cincinnati Ohio July 26th and 27th to the West Liberty funny bone August 1st to the 3rd and Charlotte North Carolina at the comedy zone August 4th and Richmond at the funny bone August 9th and 10th in Orlando, Florida at the improv August 11th at your Orlando improv doing a live Ant Hill kid suck. Fun new T in the short today? In the short in the fight what? That new T shirt in the store a time suck list T made in design by access to peril on the front a list of some of the things we talk about here on time-soc murder history Paranormal conspiracy wackadoodle science comedy mystery and fruit sexy-ass fruit

Starting point is 00:06:55 And on the back a little third-eye smiley face guy you have to see you have to pop in the store See for yourself. He has a link over from the website or app two color options citrus and blood orange That's that's a new one for us and then black and white. Made on a comfort color tee, little thicker heavier than the Bella shirts, but shouldn't require anyone to size up. So much fun stuff in the store. So robust, so weird, hailed Nimmrod, hope you like it.

Starting point is 00:07:18 And now it is revolutionary wartime. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OK, today's tale is more than a tale of a war. It's the origin story for the United States. And it all started with a field trip. While attending a science exhibit, a bookish orphan lonely and unpopular high school nerd from Queens named George Washington was bitten by radioactive spider.

Starting point is 00:07:44 He soon discovers he possesses new and strange powers. He has a proportional strength and agility of an arachnid. But he's sad, he's sad, because one time in Gotham City after a movie, his parents were shot and killed in front of him. And so he changes his name to Benjamin Franklin. And he builds a laboratory inside a cave and he starts wearing a bat suit.

Starting point is 00:08:01 And that's, I think that's Spider-Man's origin story. Combined with Batman's origin story, combined with Batman's origin story, combined with a bunch of horse shit. Today is the USA's origin story. As you might remember from episode 140, the King Arthur suck, we've already done the origin story on England. And while there are starting less dragons and wizards in this tale, and that is fucking bummer for sure, it's still a super cool story. Pre-eminent American history expert, Pulitzer Prize winner, Brown University History Professor Gordon Wood

Starting point is 00:08:30 summarizes the American Revolution like so. The history of the American Revolution, like the history of the nation as a whole, ought not to be viewed as a story of right and wrong or good and evil, from which moral lessons are to be drawn. No doubt the story of the revolution is a dramatic one. Thirteen insignificant British colonies huddled along a narrow strip of the Atlantic coast, three thousand miles from the centers of Western civilization, becoming in fewer than three

Starting point is 00:08:57 decades a huge sprawling republic of nearly four million, expansive-minded evangelical, and money-hungry citizens is a spectacular tale to say the least. But the revolution, like the whole of American history, is not a simple morality play. It is a complicated and often ironic story that needs to be explained and understood, not celebrated or condemned. I like that. I feel like so many stories I was taught as a kid were oversimplified to the point of no longer being accurate. New wants history, dumbed down into black and white morality tales of preposterously good

Starting point is 00:09:31 guys versus preposterously bad guys. That's now life works. That's now history works. Early Americans weren't supremely virtuous and jealous visionaries. Mostly there were people who just didn't want to pay what they felt like was an unfair amount of taxes. And there were people who didn't like being told what to do. Like don't expand beyond the Appalachian Mountains. I get it. I also don't like paying certain taxes. I also don't like being

Starting point is 00:09:53 told what to do. I'm American. The American Revolution was less about the whole all-menor created equal rhetoric and more about money. Did new political ideals and visions of a new type of freedom matter to early revolutionaries? Of course, yes, I don't mean to downplay that. But as you'll soon see, if the British would have just imposed less taxes on the colonies and given them a little more expansion freedom when it came to head and west and also included early Americans in the British parliament, the colonies would have likely remained loyal to the British Empire for many, many years to come. We might still be British. Who knows?

Starting point is 00:10:28 Money makes the world go round. Always has always will. Those who don't have it want it, those who have it tend to want more of it. Doesn't mean you can't be moral and responsible with it. But rare for a revolution to be fought on behalf of ideals that don't at least include the promise of more money or more of what money buys. They have nots want to have more. Isn't that the origin tale of almost every revolution?

Starting point is 00:10:51 Before we jump into a timeline of the specific events that led up to the war and the events of the war itself, let's go over a few contextual concepts like the European colonization of North America. The new world was introduced to European power players shortly after Columbus did not find a shorter trade route for Spain to India, China, the Spice Islands and more. Technically Columbus failed when he found America, one of the most successful failures of all time.

Starting point is 00:11:18 Instead, Columbus found the Caribbean Islands known as Hispaniola, and he opened the door to quickly finding two giant continents previously unknown to European monarchs. Had the Vikings already found one of these continents? Yes, but they didn't realize what they'd found, and European powers had no idea about the land I currently live on back in 1491. A lot of other people did already live on these lands as we talked about numerous other

Starting point is 00:11:41 sucks like the Aztec Suck. Prior to Columbus, the Americas were populated by over 500 tribes of indigenous peoples. Indigenous American societies range from small, hunter-gatherer groups to large, sophisticated communities, such as the Inc and Empire, the Aztecs, the ancient Olmex. Pre-European American cultures had advanced mathematics and architecture, intricate agricultural systems,

Starting point is 00:12:03 detailed understandings of their surrounding environment, including the stars and seasons and passage of time. Hard to get an actor review of exactly how many native people lived in the Americas pre-Columbus, but research by some scholars provides population estimates to be as high as 112 million in 1492, while others estimate the population to be closer to 8 million. In any case, the native population would decline to less than 6 million by 1650. Yellow fever and small pox were some of the biggest killers of early Americans. The European sellers themselves were another major killer. Also a massive increase in fighting between the tribes themselves

Starting point is 00:12:39 after the European colonizers began to settle the continent, but now their wars were fought with better, more sophisticated weapons. Now let's talk about these colonizers began to settle the continent, but now their wars were fought with better, more sophisticated weapons. Now, let's talk about these colonizers. Of the various European powers to colonize North America, England would be the most successful and influential, but they weren't the only Europeans looking to make money in the Northern Heavens fear of the new world. Spain and France also took some big North American colonization shots. Spain initially established what was by far the largest empire in the Americas, extending

Starting point is 00:13:09 from southwestern North America, especially the land of present day Florida, all the way down to northern Chile. Spanish benefited from the bureaucratic and organizational legacy of the Incan and Aztec empires, which provided them existing infrastructure. They could subjugate, to quit the administer and profit from large portions of the Americas. Much of the Spanish economic activity was geared towards obtaining precious metals, especially after the discovery of large silver deposits in the Andes Mountains. Spain used the forest labor of indigenous peoples to mine this silver, quickly becoming the largest producer of silver in the world.

Starting point is 00:13:44 Large silver exports allowed Spain to trade with Ming China and rapidly become the wealthiest country in Europe. In the long run, however, mass silver imports caused runaway inflation, combined with frequent, indecisive wars, it's actually eventually weakened the Spanish Empire, allowing other countries to gain the upper hand in a variety of European disputes. Despite this decline, Spain managed to maintain control of many of its American colonies until the early 19th century. And then there's France, the nation who would save America's ass at the tail end of the revolutionary war.

Starting point is 00:14:16 I feel like that gets lost in that narrative sometimes. France was quick to claim, settle, and explore a vast empire in North America known as New France, extended from Northern Canada all the way down to New Orleans. New France covered 8 million square kilometers, or roughly 5 million square miles, making it larger than the Roman Empire at its height. Land mass was enormous. In reality, however, this giant region was more of a French trading zone than it was an empire.

Starting point is 00:14:43 Indigenous societies actually controlled most of the territory France claimed and they traded with the French, providing them with furs, other valuable goods that they could then sell in Europe. The name of the town I live in, Corde-Laine, counts from early French explorers. Corde-Laine Idaho, home of the Suck-Dutch, home of the Suck, was named after the Corde-Laine Indian tribe, and that name was given to them by early French fur trappers. It means heart of an all, A-W-L, and all being a small pointed tool used for piercing holes, especially in leather.

Starting point is 00:15:13 The name comes from those early French traders viewing the Corde de Laine tribal chiefs as tough businessmen, sharp-hearted, or shrewd. Sneaking a little Corde de L lane origin trivia in this tale as well. In South America, France established a small colony of French Guyana, which continues to control to this day. The most important colonial player in our story today, though, is, of course, written. During the early and mid-16th century, the English thought of North America primarily as a base for piracy and harassment of the Spanish. But by the end of the century, the English began to think more seriously about North America as a place to colonize.

Starting point is 00:15:49 English promoters, people whose job it was to get English people to move to the New World, claim that the New World colonization offered England many advantages. Not only would it serve as a bullwalk against Catholic Spain, it would also supply England and England with raw materials and provide a new market for finished products to be sold Now let's look at some of these English colonies some of these new markets for English goods some of these new suppliers for raw materials James town of Virginia is the first successful permanent English colony in the land that is now the United States After unsuccessful attempts to establish settlements in Newfoundland and the subject of TimeSuck episode 107, Roanoke, the famous lost colony off the coast of present day North Carolina, England established

Starting point is 00:16:30 his Jamestown on May 14, 1607, located in swampy marshlands along Virginia's James River, Jamestown residents offered or suffered, excuse me, horrendous mortality rates during his first five years. Immigrants had just a 50, 50 chance of surviving in those first five years. Now, at least 80% of those early deaths did come with the hands, or I guess more technically legs of Roanoke recluse spiders. Twice as big as normal brown recluse, far more venomous, not poisonous, hatching by the hundreds of thousands working in teams, swarming onto victims after initial bites would release chemical compounds,

Starting point is 00:17:07 attracting other spiders, spiders that would lift up eyelids, let more spiders climb into people's heads and then lay eggs inside people's brains. And don't look now, but I am fairly certain there is one on the back of your neck. And if you try to brush it off, it's gonna fall down your shirt and it's fucking, you never gonna get it.

Starting point is 00:17:24 It's just gonna bite you and bite you and bite you. Now, if you're a long time sucker, you know that's bullshit. If you're a new sucker and you turn this podcast off a few seconds ago, have fun with some new nightmares. Initial James Town Colliners did frequently die though. Mostly succumbing to disease and fights with local tribes, no spider deaths. I'm aware of the James Town expedition was financed by the Virginia company of London, which believed that precious metals were to be found in the area. Jamestown was known as a charter settlement, meaning that the colony was expected to be profitable and it was not. No big goldmines.

Starting point is 00:17:55 Should have went south guys. Spaniards were fucking raking it down there in central and south America. But Jamestown provided, you know, proved to the British, they could settle North America and continue to settle North America. But James Town provided, you know, proved to the British, they could settle North America and continue to settle North America. They did. British sellers scattered along the North Atlantic coastline soon formed a 13 original colonies that would all join together and revolt in today's tail. Now that we mentioned Virginia, let's look at a few other OG colonies. We begin with the colony of Maryland. 1632, the English crown, granted about 12 million acres of land at the top of the Chesapeake Bay to Cecilius Calvitt, the second Baron Baltimore.

Starting point is 00:18:32 His full pompous title was actually Cecilius Calvitt's second Baron Baltimore, first Lord proprietary, Earl Palatine of the provinces of Maryland and Avalon in America. Philik needs some royal trumpets to announce a name like that, you know? Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-b I feel like my name is more of like a like an air banjo type title. And also Danny Cummins is here. Don't thank. Don't thank. Don't thank. Don't thank.

Starting point is 00:19:15 Don't feel feels more right that way. This colony named Maryland after the wife of English King Charles I, Queen Henrietta Maria, aka Queen Mary of England. Maryland was similar to Virginia in many ways. Its land owners produced tobacco and large plantations that depended on the labor of indentured servants and then later African slaves. Then there was another important colony called Massachusetts, pretty sure I've heard of it. First, English immigrants to what would become the new England colonies were a small group

Starting point is 00:19:42 of Puritan separatists, later called the pilgrims who arrived in Plymouth in 1620, 10 years later a wealthy syndicate known as the Massachusetts Bay Company sent a much larger group of Puritans to establish another Massachusetts settlement and they landed in Salem. With the help of local natives, the colonists soon got the hang of farming, fishing, hunting and Massachusetts prospered. Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Connecticut got going next. As the Massachusetts settlements expanded, they generated new colonies in New England.

Starting point is 00:20:08 Puritans who thought that Massachusetts was not pious enough formed the colonies of Connecticut and New Haven and then those two colonies combined in 1665. Meanwhile, Puritans who thought that Massachusetts was too rigid form the colony of Rhode Island where everyone including Jewish people enjoyed complete liberty and religious concernments. I know I knew I liked that tiny ass state for some reason.

Starting point is 00:20:30 To the North of Massachusetts, a handful of adventurous sellers formed the colony of New Hampshire, then New York got going. In 1664, King Charles II of England gave the territory between New England and Virginia, much of which was already occupied by Dutch traders and landowners to his brother James, the Duke of York. The English soon absorbed Dutch New Netherlands, renamed it New York, but most of the Dutch people as well as the Belgian Flemmins and Walloons and French Huguenots and Scandinavians and Germans who were living there stayed put. It's made New York one of the most diverse and prosperous colonies of the New World. Still diverse

Starting point is 00:21:02 to this day. The final colony will just touch on for now as Pennsylvania and 1680, the king granted 45,000 square miles of land over 70,000 square kilometers west of the Delaware River to William Penn, a quaker who owned large swaths of land in Ireland. Now quakers, if you'll recall, are people who really, really, like really like oatmeal. It's a religion that was started by Wilford Brimley, who believed that his oatmeal gods could cure diabetes. They could cure diabetes.

Starting point is 00:21:32 And they required both men and women to have sweet, sweet mustaches. Actually the Quaker religious movement kicked off in England in the 1650s, and they were considered pretty radical in the sense that they were Christians who believed you didn't need a priest, didn't need a minister to have a direct relationship with God. Needless to say, this concept did not sit well with either the Catholic Church in Ireland or the Anglican Church in England. Both those religions kind of fall apart if you don't think you need priests or pastors. So they were against it. So the English Quakers fled to Pennsylvania and other colonies to escape religious persecution.

Starting point is 00:22:06 Pans North American holdings became the colony of pens woods or Pennsylvania. And that's when you know that even though you're not royalty, you're crushing it in life. You're doing pretty well for yourself. When the king gives you roughly 1.2 million acres of land as a gift, that's it wasn't completely a gift.

Starting point is 00:22:20 It was the king gave it to pen to repay debts England owed pens father, maybe even more oppressive. when the king gives you 1.2 million acres of land to repay a debt and you're not a giant bank. You're just a dude who's killing it. King Charles II already given the Penn family a lot of land in Ireland, mostly around court, including the castle, pretty sweet, first to castle, then a giant chunk of the new world. Life must have been pretty awesome for Penn in 1680. Just sitting in this castle, thinking about his new land. What are you thinking about, Mr. Penn? Just thinking about getting out of the Sicily old castle

Starting point is 00:22:50 and visiting over a million acres of land I own in America. Oh, you have a summer home in the American coast. Summer home, cute. I own a fourth of the American colonies. Lured by the fertile soil and the religious tolerance that Penn promised people migrated from all over Europe to Pennsylvania. Like their Puritan counterparts in New England, most of these immigrants pay their own way to the colonies. They were not indentured servants and they had enough money to

Starting point is 00:23:14 establish themselves upon arrival. As a result, Pennsylvania soon became a pretty prosperous and relatively egalitarian place. And then there were of course the rest of the 13 original colonies, Delaware, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and New Jersey. New Jersey was settled mostly by the Pines, people who now mainly reside in the Pine Barons of New Jersey, people found a drink, cousin, sex, and song. Well, look at here now, I got some peak, I got some peak, I already lick out of my womb,

Starting point is 00:23:43 one's beard. Well, look at here now, with a full belly, I made lick out of my woman's beard. Well, look at here now with a full belly. I made a bump, baby, what's a woman on mine? And that's how we made new Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old joke from the Jersey devil suck, new listener. Each of these colonies began to grow quickly. In the sense of nationalism and common destiny amongst them began to take shape, also taken

Starting point is 00:24:02 shape around them and across the Atlantic was a battle for world dominance between France and Britain that would lead directly to the American Revolution. In the 17th century, France was arguably the most powerful nation in the world. By 1700, France had over 21 million people. England had 8.2 million people roughly. In addition to more people, France had more land in North America than England or Spain or at least they claimed more total land. While England had settled the Atlantic coast from present day Maine all the way down to Georgia France claimed even more they claimed basically all of the land of the present American

Starting point is 00:24:34 day mid American Midwest Louisiana parts of Texas a lot of Eastern Canada. However, strongest France was by the beginning of the 18th century, world power did start to shift toward Britain as its colonial push took it literally all over the world. The British Empire was on the rise thanks to global expansion and Britain benefiting immensely for becoming extremely proficient in international trade. By the 18th century, while France still had more than three times England's population, Britain would now lead in the world in overall commerce. Britain became the wealthiest country in the world as their proficiency in their international

Starting point is 00:25:10 trade increased so to the strength of their navy. By the early 18th century, Britain was considered by many to be the only nation that could possibly take on the French head to head in a war and win. And then Britain did take on France head to head in the French and Indian war that would soon spill into the global seven years war. Now the seven years war is really the world's first world war. And the aftermath of the French and Indian war is what led England to taxing the American colonies, which led them to be pissed off about being taxed, which led to a revolution, which led to the United States becoming its own nation, which led to the creation of the only culture in the world, capable of creating

Starting point is 00:25:51 Michael mother fucking McDonald, triple M, Michael McDonald, Yacht rocker and a history buff. A lot of people don't know that big history buff. And when he was crueaning with the Dubie brothers before he became a solo artist, he actually wrote a song about of all things. The French and Indian War did not know that until this week. I think the lyrics explained this war better than anything else I could put together. So eat your heart out, Hamilton. Here's, here's some new musical history. He came from somewhere back on a long ago Some were back on a long ago Birth of the colonies The sentimental fool don't see tryin' hard

Starting point is 00:26:28 To recreate what it yet to be created New country is forming Once in her life Her being England, she musters a smile For his nostalgic tale Two nations claim land ownership Never come near what it wanted to say a treaty attend fails only to realize It never really was collision course for war she

Starting point is 00:26:55 Had a place in his life England wants to land at the Ohio River Valley He Never made her think twice France wants to land as well. As he rises to her apology, anybody else will surely know too little too late. He's watching her go England declares war in France. What a fool believes he sees the wise man has the power the war has started to reason away cannons fire across the Ohio River. What seems shots fire back to be George Washington's captured always better than nothing and then France lets him go and nothing at all This song has fucking nothing to do with that stupid war. Keep sending him somewhere back in a long ago How long are we gonna believe in this? Well, he can still believe there's a place in her life. Why am I still singing? Someday, somewhere, someday I will stop doing this. She will

Starting point is 00:28:06 return, but not today. She had a place in his life. Okay, that line was about King George's mom, Princess Augusta. He never made her sing twice. Get the fuck out of here. Of course, it wasn't biggest McDonald in yet God right when you thought he was gone forever Right when you thought you were safe. That's when you fucking get you Too much patriotism and this suck for triple them not to show up God, I hope at least in one new list or it was kind of familiar with the French and you wore just stop for a second The dooby brother's song was written about that war. Hey, Luciferina.

Starting point is 00:28:46 I spent way too much time putting that together and I'm just gonna say sometimes we have to shut down for recording this fucking first take first take Because you know why? I'm a musical prodigy. I'm musical someday. I'm gonna leave all this podcast nonsense behind and I'm gonna go on to become named the greatest singer-songwriter Michael McDonald impersonator of history. Then you'll see, you guys laugh, oh, you fucking, this voice is okay, but it's not that great. You just waked.

Starting point is 00:29:14 Now I'm having fun again. Okay, sorry, I just, you know, I sometimes get a little bored with too many historical dates, I gotta shake it up, gotta get my blood moving again. How and fun, and you know who else is fun? Hems. Today's time suckers brought you by a long time suck sponsor, Hems. Getting older can also be a downer, literally. Forty percent of men struggle from not being able to get and maintain an erection by the

Starting point is 00:29:37 age of 40, but that doesn't mean that you have to go full cheek atilo and just start rassling to have a little boner fun. Watch this big deal for hymns.com. That's what Cheekatilo. For hymns.com is a one stop shop for hair loss, skincare, sexual wellness for men. Michael McDonald, I love it. You don't know that he doesn't.

Starting point is 00:29:55 I've been using in love in some of their skincare products for weeks, now I'm eating their vitamins. Yep, just started taking their biotin, multivitamin, gummies, because they're delicious and good for you. Also known as vitamin B7 biotin is a natural supplement that has been proven to strengthen hair and nails and promote healthy skin. Also plays a key role in preventing hair loss and has active ingredients to help grow thicker, healthier looking hair. So get ready for a little more hair in your suck. Two, three weeks, I should have a biblical, Samson level of hair and power.

Starting point is 00:30:26 And you can too with him. Try him for a month today, just for five bucks. They'll get you started for just five bucks while supplies last prescription products are subject to doctor approval, require an online consultations. Excuse me, with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate, see website for full details and safety information. The ED medication alone, HIMS offers could cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's officer pharmacy. So go to forehims.com slash time suck ED. It's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash time suck ED forehims dot com slash time suck ED.

Starting point is 00:31:02 Link in the episode description, button on the time suck website and app Now let's talk about the French and Indian War for real turns out that Michael McDonald do be brother song You know doesn't actually explain it It all started with a land dispute over the Ohio River Valley and the days before GPS and Rand McNally naps and agreed I think I said Rand McNally naps They weren't taking naps or maps. And it greed upon national boundaries made understanding where you were and who owned what so much easier, loosely defined, the Ohio River Valley

Starting point is 00:31:33 includes a good portion of present-day Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, extreme southwestern Pennsylvania and extreme northwestern west Virginia. And France and England both thought they owned it. And when two nations both think they own the same land, wars tend to start. Back then, it was easier for both of them to think they own the same land because, you know, it's not how, like how things are today. Today odds are you know that your yard extends to your fence or the road, or maybe

Starting point is 00:31:58 a creek or a lake. And your neighbor's yard begins on the other side of that road or fence or body of water. There are maps you can access that show an aerial view of every lot in your city, county, state, or nation, property disputes still occur, but they are rare. Back in the 18th century, North America, way more common. A single team of explorers would go into the wilderness where no one from their nation had ever been before and just announced, this shit is ours now. An indigenous people who currently live there, I guess we just shrug their shoulders. What did that dude do you say?

Starting point is 00:32:26 I don't know, I don't know. I don't speak his language. You, nope. Let's go catch some salmon, eat some berries. Sounds good. And then some explorer would eventually return to their king or queen, show them the map they'd drawn up and say,

Starting point is 00:32:36 congratulations, this shit is ours now. And then that king or queen would show that map to other nations, kings and queens and be like, don't you fucking send any settlers into this little area right here We sent a dude first so it's ours fair square And then that king or queen might say fine. Well, we have a map from our guy and he went to a b and c So those areas are fucking ours now So we'll stay out of here if you stay fuck out of here deal deal? Deal. And then they'd shake on it and then they'd eat big ass fucking turkey leg and get it all over their beard and they'd drink

Starting point is 00:33:08 and laugh. And then they whisper to their underlings about I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill him at the first chance. Basically that's how things went down. And the dude who started mapping North America for England was one John Cabot. Way back in 1497 Italian Giovanni Cabuto. better known by his angry-size name of John Cabot traveled by sea from Bristol, England to Canada, Cabot made a claim to the North American land for King Henry VIII, or excuse me, King Henry VII of England. And this set the course for England's rise to power in North America in the 16th and 17th centuries.

Starting point is 00:33:39 Other English explorers in Seller soon followed, and then in the early 17th century, an English royal charter granted land within certain limits between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans to both the Virginia Company and the Plymouth Company. All the lands to the south of French Canada and to the north of Spanish Florida, stretching from sea to sea, were claimed by England, and France didn't love that. They had claimed some of the land for themselves, based on the late 17th century map making of one Rene Robert cavier Swear de la Salle

Starting point is 00:34:08 La Salle arrived in Montreal in 1667 and local natives the Mohicans told him of a great river Name the Ohio that flowed to the Mississippi and out to the sea and he was like thanks guys That's not like a really cool river to completely take away from you motherfuckers And then starting from Canada La Salle moved through the Great Lakes and after he was sending the Mississippi River in 1682, he claimed possession in the name of the King of France of all of the lands drained by the river and its tributaries. Along his journey, LaSalle and his men built Fort Proudhome, present-day Memphis, Tennessee when they reached the Gulf of Mexico, LaSalle named the region La Louisiana in honor of King

Starting point is 00:34:44 Louis XIV. He cultivated and poured military and trade alliances with American Indian tribes in the upper Mississippi River area. And because of this Sal expedition, France felt that they had the right to settle the entire Mississippi Valley, including the Ohio River Valley and all of the valleys of its various tributaries. And for decades, this disagreement between England and France over who owned the lands of the Ohio River Valley didn't matter, because neither nation had many settlers in the disputed area. And most parts of the disputed area neither

Starting point is 00:35:13 empire had any settlers. But as settlers from both nations expanded our from initial settlements, the two nations came into contact and then into conflict with one another. And these initial conflicts would soon spiral out into a huge war that would drastically change the look of the global colonial map. By the middle of the 18th century, small cabins of Virginians were popping up west of the Appalachian on the upper reaches of such waterways as the new and Holston rivers. Also hundreds of pencil vanian traders were settling in the villages of Indian peoples of the upper Ohio Valley, with whom great Britain was allied. The French firmly in control of Canada from the early 17th century gradually began expanding

Starting point is 00:35:54 into the great lakes region, establishing a permanent settlement in Detroit, and then further on down. And then in 1749, annoyed with British sellers, moving into territory, claimed by the French, French Royal Navy officer Pierre Joseph Selleron de Blainville, ordered trading houses in the region of the Allegheny River to lower their British flags that flew above them. And then on further thought, he decided that the British traders just needed to get the fuck out. Just leave the area altogether, move to the eastern slopes of the Appalachians. And then in 1752, an important British colonial trading center at Piccolani on the upper

Starting point is 00:36:30 great Miami River was like, nah. So the French sent them a message. You guys, seriously, get out of here. Go on out, get one of our dudes saw that river a long time ago that flows, that this river flows into so you know, know finders keepers and shit. So get out of here sincerely some French guy And then the British who ran the trading center sent another note back to just said nah And that's not entirely accurate. That's the gist of what happened And then the French are like, I fuck you guys in and they destroyed the British trading center And then a little drunk with power the the French capture to killed every English speaking

Starting point is 00:37:05 trader that the French and their Indian allies could find in the upper Ohio Valley. And then the lieutenant governor of Virginia, who is really the acting governor, Robert Dinwitty, a man I prefer to call Bobber Dengledorf, was like, God damn it! Those stupid French fucks, oh, they really annoy me.

Starting point is 00:37:22 God, they really annoy me when it kill my sellers. It makes me want to, you know, kill some of their guys. So let's do that. Hey, who's young and tough on looking to make a name for himself? And then young George Washington just appeared out of nowhere. Was really good posture. Chess puffed out, wig, freshly powdered. And he was like, I'm your man.

Starting point is 00:37:43 I'm your handsome man. You just described to you why I'm exactly. It's like, oh, it's like you're inside my head. Let me kill them. Let me kill them, and I'm gonna kill their pets, and then I'm gonna kill their children, and then I'm gonna eat their babies. I'm gonna eat their stupid babies,

Starting point is 00:37:56 so help me, God, BobberdingleDorf. I'm gonna eat their stupid, French fucking babies. That's an exact quote that George Washington never said. But in October of 1753, Dinwitty, AKA Bobber Dengledorf did dispatch young George Washington only 21 years old to French to the French fort Le Booth. Now Waterford, Pennsylvania, to warn the garrison there that it was occupying land that belonged to Virginia and they best move it along. You know, unless they wanted him to drop the mother fucking washed and hammer on their French asses. Move it along.

Starting point is 00:38:28 Unless they wanted their ugly little French babies eaten. And you didn't say that, but that was the kind of big dick energy he was putting off. But the French didn't budge. So the Virginians decided to build a fort where the city of Pittsburgh stands today to give them some military presence in the area. Prepare for some conflicts to defend more settlers, they were encouraging to move into this area against French orders. And then in the spring of 1754,

Starting point is 00:38:49 French troops swarmed the troops building this fort and kill him. And Bobber Dingledorf was like, God damn it! God hate those stupid French fucks. And then you just started punching holes in the walls of his office, which was impressive, because his walls were made out of solid wood.

Starting point is 00:39:03 Nobody got super mad. And he sent George Washington back in there. And May of 1754, Washington assumed command of the militia and trenched himself at a post that became called a, uh, uh, Fort necessity, now Confluence, Pennsylvania, about 40 miles, 60 kilometers from the French position for, uh, duquince. On May 28th, Washington's forces engaged the French scouting party, killing the commander and nine others as well as taking 20 prisoners The French then descended upon Fort necessity besieging it on July 3rd Although Washington had been reinforced with militia troops from Virginia and a company of regular British infantry from North Carolina

Starting point is 00:39:36 The combined French and Indian force outnumbered the defenders to the one Washington surrender the fort which was then burned to the ground by the French, and he withdrew his forces to Virginia. And when Bobber Dingledorf heard about this holy shit, he got so mad that he did this thing, he would do some times where he would clench his fists and hold his breath and just like make a like, and then several blood vessels burst in his eyes. And then when other settlers saw his red eyes, they assumed he was a devil witch, and they set him on fire,

Starting point is 00:40:09 and that made him so much angrier. No, but he was pretty mad. He peeled the king of England, George II, asked him to punish those filthy fucking French savages, but George II refused, at least for a little while. England had just finished fighting the French in 1748 in the war of the Austrian succession. He was not eager to fight arguably the world's most powerful nation again.

Starting point is 00:40:29 But then when it became clear that raw Virginia militia just couldn't make headwag and season French soldiers, King George ordered British General Edward Brattick to go to Virginia with soldiers and eject the French from Fort De Quence and the surrounding area. Also Admiral Edward, a bus cow in was sent into the region of the Gulf of St. Lawrence with the powerful fleet to prevent further reinforcement of French troops from arriving in Canada. And just like that, France and Britain at war again. And then the French and Indian War quickly spills into what many historians called the first true World War, spilling into Europe and around the globe into that seven years

Starting point is 00:41:04 war. And the seven years war way too complicated to explain in any detail here today. Essentially it was a war fought in Europe, North America, and India, and elsewhere between France, Austria, Russia, Saxony, Sweden, and after 1762, Spain on the one side and pressure Great Britain and Hanover on the other. In this war, and the French and Indian War, which was a chapter of it, ended with the signing of the treaties of Hubert'sburg, or Hubert'sburg, and Paris in February of 1763. And France lost this war in the end big time and lost the title of most powerful nation

Starting point is 00:41:39 on earth with it. And Virginia, Lieutenant Governor, Din Whitty, aka Bobber Dangle Dorf was the happiest you've ever been in his entire life. He had his personal cooks make a thousand crepes and then he laid those crepes out in the shape of the country of France. And he said, I'm on fire and he stripped naked and he strut around the edge of that burning crepes, shouting, I am a living God. I am a living God. I have no idea what he did, but that'd be pretty sweet. I bet he was happy. In the Treaty idea what he did, but that'd be pretty sweet. I bet he was happy.

Starting point is 00:42:06 In the Treaty of Paris, France lost not only all claims the O'Havard Valley, but they lost claims to Canada, and then they gave Louisiana to Spain while Britain received Spanish Florida, upper Canada, even various French holdings overseas. Elsewhere around the globe. At the end of this war in 1763, Great Britain straddled the world with the greatest and richest empire Earth had seen since the fall of this war in 1763, Great Britain straddled the world with the greatest and richest empire Earth had seen since the fall of Rome. It was known far and wide as the empire in which the sun never sets. Historians established that roughly 25% of the Earth's land mass was in control of the British at the peak of its power. From India to the Mississippi River, the British

Starting point is 00:42:40 armies and navies had been victorious. Britain was in undisputed control of North America now, and yet this great victory would lead directly to them losing much of North America a few years later in the Revolutionary War. One of this war's legacies would soon show up in the form of the fourth amendment of the US Constitution. That's the one we usually don't think about. It says, the government can't make you let soldiers live in your home. By the end of the French and any war, the British monarchy had sent over thousands of soldiers called redcoats to defend their holdings in America.

Starting point is 00:43:09 And when the war ended, the redcoats stayed and needed places to sleep and food to eat. Right? And they just kind of moved in wherever they felt like it. While colonists were happy to be defended by the British soldiers, they didn't love those soldiers just moving in and eating all their shit, sleeping in their beds and stuff. Also while Britain won the war, the victory came into great cost. Between 1756, 1763, Britain's death toll was around 160,000 troops. Also the Prussians who fought for England lost 180,000 and combined they lost around 80,000 more to desertion. Somewhere around 33,000 British

Starting point is 00:43:41 colonists civilians also killed in the war. Britain also lost a lot of money. Britain had hired Prussia to fight on their side. They reimbursed the American colonies for their military expenses as well after the war. By the wars and the British crown found itself substantially in debt. As a result of this war debt, Britain enacted a number of very unpopular acts and measures aka taxes upon the American colonies to raise money. And these taxes would lead to taxation without representation protests that would spark the coming revolution.

Starting point is 00:44:09 Now let's take a second and get to know Britain's King George the third a little bit, the head of the British Empire during the Revolutionary War. In 1760, King George the Third had ascended to the English throne while war raged against France. Born in 1738, the first son and second child of Frederick, Prince of Wales, George III had a difficult and lonely childhood. His mother Augusta of Saxcatha was a rather frightened lady who kept her son off, cut off from other children on the grounds that they were ill-educated and vicious, really overly protective mother,

Starting point is 00:44:41 George's only real companion in his early years was his brother Edward and also a little sparrow, the George's name Biscuits. Okay, I made up the Biscuits part, but what a great additional detail that would be. You know, just, are you talking to yourself again, Georgie? Now, mommy, I was talking to Biscuits. Biscuits says that that's enough, Georgie. People think you're mad when you say things like that. A famous 18th and 19th century British writer, Lady Louisa Stewart, would later remarked to Prince George with silent modest and easily abashed.

Starting point is 00:45:10 George probably felt most modest because he and everyone else seemed to know that his royal parents liked his brother Edward way more than they liked him. George was usually ignored at least in Edward's company. But when George's father died in 1751, he inherited the title Duke of Edinburgh. Three weeks later, the 12 year old was made Prince of Wales by his grandfather. George the second putting him in line to inherit the throne, not Edwards. Haha! Fucking suck it, Edward.

Starting point is 00:45:35 George was only 22 when he did take the throne in 1760 and he inherited an ongoing world war. The young king found public affairs so stressful that after only five years on the throne, he hinted at abdication. As King George III grew older, he gained confidence, but audiences and the running of a nation remained something of an ordeal for him to put up with, and then the war with the American colonies seemed to break him. In 1788, illness brought on a full mental breakdown. Ultimately, recurring bounts of insanity led the British parliament enacting a regency to his

Starting point is 00:46:04 son and George III lived his final years with sporadic periods of lucidity until his death in 1820. And while King George III played a huge role in the American Revolution, so did British Parliament. Britain was and is a parliamentary monarchy. And this is the governmental style America would break away from to form their own new system of government. So let's talk about very briefly about how this works before jumping into our big Revolutionary

Starting point is 00:46:27 Award timeline. The British Parliament is a bicameral parliament that is to say made up of two chambers or two houses. The House of Lords and the House of Commons. It's also overseen by a prime minister. The prime minister of England during the American Revolution was Lord Frederick North. The House of Lords is the upper house of the British Parliament, and its power is waxed and wane considerably in the centuries it's existed.

Starting point is 00:46:51 The first English Parliament was convened in 1215, 1215 CE with the creation and signing of the Magna Carta, which established the rights and barrens aka wealthy landowners to serve as consultants to the king or governmental, on governmental matters. My God, in his great council. The type of members the House of Lords had consisted of has also fluctuated. It consists currently of about 800 members. The number varies, most of whom now are life peers. That is not hereditary Lords, or people who have been in noble for services rendered to the nation. These life peers are mostly former members of the House of Commons or former senior official judges, former business leaders, trade union leaders.

Starting point is 00:47:31 The other members of the House of Lords are 96 hereditary Lords from the nobility of the UK and 26 bishops of the Anglican Church. The House of Lords cannot block bills proposed by the government in the House of Commons. It can delay some bills. It's rare that the House of Lords even does this, though, for the Lords to act against the wishes of an elected government would be constitutionally unacceptable to the people of the United Kingdom. Excuse me. Thus, almost all the bills from the House of Commons are approved quickly by the Lords. The House of Commons is the main House of the British Parliament in terms of legislative power. The life of a parliament member is five years

Starting point is 00:48:06 and the chamber is composed of 650 members of parliament or MPs. MPs elected under a system of relative majority, one round devoting, this means that they kind of with the most votes in an election is elected, whether or not he or she has an absolute majority of votes. The system favors the major political parties and stable governments at the expense of smaller parties.

Starting point is 00:48:28 One last thing before the timeline, while I do think the revolution was fought mostly over money, it was also fought over new philosophical ideals, ideals of shaped the American Constitution. In the 17th and 18th centuries, there was a lot of new thinking being thunk in the Western world. The British Empire gave birth to revered philosophers such as John Locke and David Hume. Locke and Hume would be incredibly influential to Jefferson Monroe and others when they were writing America's first political documents. Here's an example of that influence. This is a quote from John Locke's second treaty of government where he says, the natural liberty of man is to be free from any superior power on earth and not to be under the will or legislative authority of man is to be free from any superior power on earth and

Starting point is 00:49:05 not to be under the will or legislative authority of man, but to have only the law of nature for his rule. Liberty of man in society is to be under no other legislative power, but that's established by consent in the commonwealth. No under the dominion of any will or restraint or any law, but what the legislative shall enact according to the trust put in it. Gotta say, I'm surprised Locke wasn't put to death in Britain for writing this in 1689. Locke is clearly arguing for an elected democracy here, not the British monarchy he lived under.

Starting point is 00:49:37 And Locke helped kick off a lot of other philosophies. There we go. In the century, following his death in 1704, the age of enlightenment, all known as the age of reason, or simply the enlightenment, was an intellectual and philosophical movement that dominated the world of ideas in Europe during the 18th century, often called the century of philosophy. The rights of men started to become clear for the first time in a long time. These rights mattered. Many of America's founding fathers were well-schooled in the concepts and arguments for the Enlightenment. Thomas Payne, Thomas Jefferson,

Starting point is 00:50:07 James Madison, John J, Alexander Hamilton, and more took the Enlightenment ideas, moved reason in the rights of men, a few steps forward, groundbreaking concepts like private property, religious freedom, no punishment for speech and other individual liberties were now being fought for. These men and others were willing to die for a chance to live in a new nation,

Starting point is 00:50:25 where the common man could live under the promise of far more freedom than any common man in medieval Europe had ever experienced before. And by common man, I do mean man. Sorry, ladies, many of your freedoms would have to wait a few centuries. And by man, I do mean straight white land only man, preferably Christian. Everyone else was, you know, not quite as good. Not quite part of that whole all men are created equal rhetoric, uh, especially for your black. In that case, way less freedom.

Starting point is 00:50:53 Like the most possible less freedom you could possibly have. Still, while the revolution in early America were far from perfect, the lives of many did improve greatly. And those early revolutionaries did create a country that has undeniably been pretty f**king special. So now let's get to a Revolutionary War time suck timeline after a word from today's last sponsor. Time suck is brought to you today by another long time supporter of the suck.

Starting point is 00:51:19 Another sponsor of the suck loves to support the Great Courses Plus. Sometimes we need a break from the constant news cycle. For me, I need that break almost all of the suck loves to support the great courses plus. Sometimes we need to break from the constant news cycle. For me, I need that break almost all of the time. The great courses plus is the perfect escape. With this streaming service, you can pick up a new hobby, build knowledge on virtually any topic like Friends of History, or the science of extreme weather. There are even courses on how to win a debate or speak a new language. All presented by award-winning expert to her passion about what they teach.

Starting point is 00:51:45 And with the great courses plus app, you can watch or listen anytime. I use it a lot, it's fantastic. I recommend checking out the brand new course Playball, The Rise of America as America's pastime, created in partnership with the National Baseball, Hall of Fame and Museum. How fun is that?

Starting point is 00:51:59 How very American. I like lecture 15 baseball, becomes a game of numbers because I love stats. But initially, no one cared about stats or kept track of them. So, when did stats become important to baseball? Early on, stats didn't matter because players didn't even have gloves, or consistently use the same size of ball.

Starting point is 00:52:16 Teams would run up over 70 runs a game on a regular basis, pitchers were pitching underhand. It was more like intermural softball than the pro baseball of today. Just like America as a nation slowly formed over many, many years, so did baseball. So check out this lecture. It does halfway point in the current baseball season.

Starting point is 00:52:33 Empower yourself with knowledge. Sign up for the great courses. Plus today, time suckers get an all access trial for free when you sign up at the great courses plus dot com slash time suck. That's the great courses plus dot com slash time-suck. That's the GreatCoursesPlus.com slash time-suck. Link in the episode description, blood on the time-suck app. Now, let's get to that revolutionary wartime line.

Starting point is 00:52:53 Ha, ha, ha! Shrap on those boots, soldier. We're marching down a time- some time line. Okay, we've already talked at length about the French and any war that started in 1754 and ended with the treatise Treaty of Paris in 1763. So let's kick this shit off in 1763. The Treaty of Paris was signed on February 10th, 1763, and British colonizers were pumped.

Starting point is 00:53:24 First thing in the minds of many colonists was the great Western frontier that had just opened up to them when the French seated all of that contested territory to their mother country. Most people who moved to the colonies moved there specifically to get themselves some new land. Make names for themselves,

Starting point is 00:53:38 be a part of the founding of new towns and territories. How exciting would that be? Build many empires that could remain in their name and family for generations to come for centuries to come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then King George III took a big old celebration killing shit on all that. He was like, yes, biscuit tits. That's exactly what we should do. That's exactly what these deserves is. The Royal Proclamation of October 7th, 1763 from King George III changed the celebratory attitude very quickly. The Proclamation in effect closed off the frontier to colonial expansion. The King and his council presented the proclamations as a measure to calm the fears of many American

Starting point is 00:54:16 Indians who worried that the colonists would drive them from their lands as they expanded westward. I mean, those worries were pretty legit. The Proclamation rendered all land grants given by the government to British subjects who fought for the crown against France, no, and void, pretty big slap in the face. It forbade any and all settlement west of the line drawn along the Appalachian Mountains, which was delineated as an Indian reserve now. The proclamation line was not intended to be a permanent boundary between the colonists

Starting point is 00:54:45 and the American Indian lands. It was supposed to be a temporary boundary, which could be extended further west in an orderly, lawful manner. And people could cross the line. They just couldn't settle past it. Colonial officials were forbidden to grant a ground or lands without royal approval now. The proclamation, the proclamation gave the Crown a monopoly on all future land purchases from American Indians.

Starting point is 00:55:07 This did not set well with many settlers who had just fought in the war. Now it felt like they had just fought to give the British Crown a whole bunch of land, not to give themselves a chance to settle that land. Also many call this felt that the real object of this proclamation was to pin them in along the Atlantic seaboard where they would be easier for Britain to monitor and to govern. And there was some truth to this as well. One group of men who were pissed about this proclamation was George Washington and his Virginia soldiers. They had just been granted land across the boundary. They just fought valiantly in the war for that land. And now they're being told, nah, just kidding. Thanks

Starting point is 00:55:41 for beating the French back. But now get the fuck out of here. They lobbied the British government to change their mind. They lobbied parliament where they had no representation to no avail. Why did England do this? Well, England was in a strange spot when it came to the natives. Most of the Indian tribes have been allied with the French during the war because they found the French less hostile and generally more trustworthy than the English settlers. Now the French are departing and the Indians are left behind to defend themselves and their grounds as best they can.

Starting point is 00:56:09 Relations between the Indians and the English colonial's were poor, and at that time, English was not confident that American militia could easily defeat these tribes in the area and kick them off their lands. England had just lost, if you remember, a lot of troops' lives in the war, and they'd lost a ton of money, and they wanted some time to regroup before thinking about expansion again. But if you're somebody in the prime of your life, you know, who wants to get expanding now, that doesn't set well with you. Many historians seem to think that the British were trying to convince American Indians that

Starting point is 00:56:36 they had nothing to fear from the colonists while at the same time trying to increase political and economic power until they could easily defeat these tribes. Many colonists perceived the proclamation as the king siding with the tribes against the interest of his own subjects. No bueno. The proclamation also set up British Royal military outposts along stated boundaries, parliament understood that the colonists would not respect the boundary without some type of enforcement mechanism, and the colonists really didn't like this.

Starting point is 00:57:02 Why are you setting up soldiers to essentially defend the natives from your own colonists? Next the king and parliament would further piss off American colonists by trying to get some of their money back. Now the money they'd recently spent defending the colonists in the war. On April 5th, 1764 the British parliament passes the Sugar Act, with the goal of raising 100,000 pounds, an amount equal to amount equal to one fifth of the military expenses incurred in North America. The sugar act signal the end of what had previously been colonial exemption from revenue

Starting point is 00:57:31 raising taxation. And I think we're all aware that in general, people don't like having their taxes raised. Even if it's fair to do so, even if it's in their own interest. You don't hear too many politicians campaigning on slogans like what do we want more taxes when do we want them as soon as possible how much do we raise them as much as this necessary to achieve the financial goals that have been set forth as being a pardon for various complicated reasons that other people have spent a long time figuring out now that the act came from an external body rather than a colonial

Starting point is 00:58:05 legislature, also alarmed a handful of colonial leaders in Boston who held the act violated their British privileges. The revenue act of 1764 also allowed British officers to try colonists who violated the new duties at a new vice admiralty court in Halifax, Nova Scotia, thus depriving the colonists of the right to a trial by a jury of their peers. Technically, the Sugar Act, which was also called the Plantation Act and the Revenue Act of 1764, actually cut the colonial tax on molasses down by 50%. But previously, the tax wasn't collected. Now it's being strictly enforced. The act also plays to heavy tax on formerly duty-free wine from Portugal and it stipulated that Americans could export many commodities, including lumber, iron skins and well bone to foreign countries only if they pass through British ports.

Starting point is 00:58:50 First, now where goods would be taxed and a bit of a variety of other things that began to harm the profitability of trade in the colonies, which pissed off colonists who you know, enjoyed profit. They liked it. They were in favor of profit. Adding to the columnist 1764 woes was the currency act. On September 1st, 1764, the currency act passed by Parliament as well, giving Britain complete control of the colonial currency system.

Starting point is 00:59:14 The act prohibited the issue of any new bills and the reissue of existing colonial currency. Prior to 1765, the colony suffered a constant shortage of actual currency with which to conduct trade and business. There were no gold or silver mines operating the colonies and currency would be obtained only through trade and trade was regulated by Great Britain. Reminds me of Plain Monopoly. Like when you've lost some of the money for the game and you get to a point where you're like, Hey, give me $200 for passing go and the bankers like, we don't, we don't have $200 anymore. Ah, shit. Can you just keep writing me a note or something? It's weird to think about that happening in real life.

Starting point is 00:59:48 Like in the US today, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing that has facilities in Washington DC and Fort Worth, Texas to print our money. But the colonies didn't have facilities. Like how are you supposed to keep conducting business if you literally just run out of money? Like a management of all the ATMs in the entire US were suddenly out of order. And no bank teller in the entire country had any bills to give you. It's fucking crazy.

Starting point is 01:00:12 Previous to 1764, many of the colonies would just print their own paper money in the form of bills of credit, basically IOUs. But because there was no common regulations and in fact, no standard value on which to base these notes, as one might expect, shit became chaotic pretty quick. Actual cash was so scarce, commodity money was used. Commodity such as tobacco, beaver skins, even want them. Traditional American Indians, shell beads served as money at various times and places. So weird. She's like, dude, I need that five bucks back to I loaned you. Okay, I know, but here's the thing there is no more five bucks.

Starting point is 01:00:48 Would you accept five Wampombeats, a handful of tobacco and half a beer belt? With this new act, parliament went to a hard currency system based on the pounds, Thurling. They abolished anything else that colonists have been using, which fucked over a lot of colonists. Their Wampombeats, their bills of credit now essentially worthless. The colonies protested this new act and their protests fell on deaf ears again. No governmental representation. Another provision of the currency act furthered the use of those vice-admitted courts, making

Starting point is 01:01:17 it easier to punish crimes against the crown by appointing biased British judges instead of allowing for a jury of one's peers. In less than a year, the British have begun strictly enforcing a new tax. They've abolished the colonist current monetary system and they've set up a court system that is rigged against the colonists. Colonists obviously not thrilled. And then the stamp act of 1765 makes them less thrilled. Like the sugar act a year earlier, the stamp act was imposed to provide increased revenue

Starting point is 01:01:43 to meet the cost of defending the now greatly enlarged British Empire. It was the first parliamentary attempt to raise revenue through direct taxation on a wide variety of colonial transactions, including legal rits, newspaper advertisements, ships, bills of landing, basically required colonists to pay attacks on every piece of printed paper they used for anything at all. Even playing cards were taxed. In rage, colonists nullified the stamp act to outright refusal to use the stamps, as well as through riots, stamp burning, even intimidation of colonial stamp distributors.

Starting point is 01:02:15 Stamp distributors were threatened to be tarred and feathered. No stamp commissioner or tax collector was actually tarred and feathered, but by November 1st, 1765, the day the stamp act tax legally went to effect, there were no stamp commissioners left in the colonies to collect it. So good luck with your law. You have no one to enforce it. Things are getting heated. Then comes, then comes the quarter in act of 1765. The quarter in act required that colonies had to house British soldiers and barracks paid for by the colonies. If the barracks were too small to house all the soldiers, then localities were to accommodate the soldiers in local ins, stables, ale houses, or whatever buildings they had, like their homes

Starting point is 01:02:53 free of charge. Again, as you can imagine, not well received throughout the locals. I mean, you probably wouldn't like it either, you know? You want to support the military, right? Fuck yeah, I do. America. Woo! You want a military, you want to support the military, right? Fuck yeah, I do, America. Woo! You want the military to defend you, right? You're damn right, I do. You, S, A, you, S, A, then you're cool with letting them stay in your houses and sleeping in your bed and eating out of your fridge

Starting point is 01:03:14 when they're not fighting, right? Hell, you, uh, oh, wait, what was that about last part? Just crashing my house, just eating my food and shit. You know what? Ha, I love them. I love the truth, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna need to think about this just for a bit. And the spring of 1765 on May 29th, the recently enacted Sugar Stamp and Quartern Acts

Starting point is 01:03:32 for the prime topics of political conversation in the colonies. In Virginia, the current session of the House of Burgess, the elected representative element of the Virginia General Assembly, the legislative body of the colony of Virginia, was drawing to a close and many of the delegates had already had it at home. But Patrick Henry, a 20-year-old who had only had a seat for a matter of days offered a series of resolutions related to the current crisis. Much of what he proposed was familiar to his colleagues. Basically, the British rights were also the rights of American colonists, you know, that

Starting point is 01:04:03 they had rights like their own local representatives, but then Henry took things further. Henry's fifth resolution said that only colonial assemblies had the right to impose taxes on their constituents, and that right could not be assigned to any other body. This was a direct assault on the power of British parliament. In the next day on May 30, Henry went even further with his criticisms and basically talked shit about the king as well. Things got real heated and the colonial legislators divided into those loyal to the crowned and to a growing rebel movement. Speaking of King George III, Henry stated that Caesar had his Brutus, Charles I, his Cromwell, and

Starting point is 01:04:41 George III, and at that point, he was interrupted by cries of treason, treason from delegates who easily recognized his reference to assassinated leaders. Henry paused briefly then calmly finished his sentence with may profit by their example. If this be treason, make the most of it. Nice pat safe, nice pat. The Burgesses, a very aristocratic company of wealthy plantation owners and gentlemen, had long operated under a relaxed rule that allowed 24% of the body to constitute a quorum, or the minimum number of members of an assembly or society that must be present at any of its meetings to make the proceedings of that meeting valid. On the day of Henry's speech, which was also his birthday, only 39 members of the normal

Starting point is 01:05:22 hundred were in attendance. In the absence of the normal conservative leadership, all five of the offered resolutions were adopted. The first four were considered merely strident, the fifth required several hours of heated debate and then passed by only one vote. Ultimately, it would be retracted. There were total seven resolutions proposed by Henry, but the last two were not passed. The controversial bits were absolute slaps in the face to the authority of Britain. They basically said that Britain didn't get to tax upon us because they did not have the authority to do so.

Starting point is 01:05:51 Seven resolutions, which were reprinted in newspapers everywhere, were a wildly effective propaganda tool to grow the rebellion movement. The idea that the stuffy old house of Burgess had produced such a challenge to great Britain's authority did much to incite similar resolutions and other colonial legislators and later helped establish a committee of intercolonial correspondence. Committees of correspondence with the American colony's first institution for maintaining communication with one another. Eight years later, in March 1773, the Virginia House of Burgesses proposed that each colonial

Starting point is 01:06:22 legislature appoint a standing committee for inter-colonial correspondence. Within a year, nearly all had joined the network and more committees were formed at the town and county levels. A true national identity started form, while the concept of a foreign king is becoming less and less favorable. In October of 1765, the Stamp Act of Congress was the first colonial legislative action taken against the Stamp Act. The Stamp Act Congress was attended by 27 representatives of nine of the original 13

Starting point is 01:06:49 colonies. Virginia, North Carolina and Georgia prevented from attending because their loyal to Britain governors refused to convene the assemblies to elect delegates. New Hampshire did not attend but did approve the resolutions once Congress was over. The Stamp Act or the Stamp Act Congress approved 13 resolutions in the Declaration of Rights and Grievances. It's important to note that colonists at this point in time were still not intending on a separation from the Crown trying to work things out. In the very first resolution, they stayed their allegiance to the King and its Parliament.

Starting point is 01:07:19 They declared and affirmed that they are entitled to the rights and liberties of all loyal British subjects. Most importantly, they assert their right to no taxation without representation. And that because of their circumstances, America being 3,000 miles away, they could not be represented in the House of Commons and Britain. They state that the only bodies legally able to impose an internal tax upon them are their respective legislators whose members are elected by their colonial public. The colonists also re-assert their right to trial by jury as an inherent right to all British subjects and the colonies and limit the jurisdiction of Admiralty courts. In response to the Stamp Act Congress, King George III responds by writing the colonists

Starting point is 01:07:58 a formal letter of apology saying, basically, dear loyal American subjects of the crown, I have heard you your cries and understand your outrage. I'm hereby revoking the Stamp Act, the quarter an act, the currency act, and the sugar act. Also let it be known that none of these acts were my idea. For a brief time, my dear childhood friend Biscuit Tits took hold of parliament. And the lords and MPs were hypnotized by his dark powers. Mommy had warned me long ago to be wary of my strange little sparrow advisor. He is now back in his cage. And I am in full control.

Starting point is 01:08:30 Yes, full control of my mind once again. Aren't I biscuit tits? Yes. Weasers complete, controls is is isn't we is all is right now. This is sincerely Georgie put in paizes is. Yeah, right. The King of Parliament respond with a declaratory act of 1766. The declaratory act, a measure issued by British Parliament, asserted it's authority to make

Starting point is 01:08:54 laws binding the colonists in all cases whatsoever, including the right to tax. This act was basically a big announcement of, shut the fuck up and do what we tell you to do. When parliament repealed the Stamp Act on March 17, 1966, it concurrently approved the declaratory act to justify its repeal. It also declared all resolutions issued by the Stamp Act Congress no, and void. Many in the colonies ignored the ramifications of this new act and just celebrated the repeal of the Stamp Act. They didn't quite get it. Just yay, no more Stamp Act. We won. We won. You realize that now they can pass whatever all the law they want, whenever they want, right? Yeah, but take this out. No more Stamp Act. We won. Various sons of liberty, including Samuel Adams, James Otis, John Hancock, not celebrating.

Starting point is 01:09:42 We're worried about more taxation coming their way. And those taxes came in 1767. Between July, June 15th and July 2nd, 1767, four acts known as the town shend acts were past British parliament. And then, and the tax of a variety of goods imported to the colonies. And I got to say, a lot of these taxes not totally unjustified compared to great Britain's debts, the cost of the French and any war, the colonists had been extremely slight. The colonists enjoyed a higher standard of living at the time than their British counterparts, and they were paying less than one 20th of the taxes of British citizens living in England. But because these taxes were new and because they weren't represented in parliament, the colonists were pissed. Again, main motivation

Starting point is 01:10:22 for the revolution was money. You know, what of the United States suddenly found some new land? Turns out that the earth's really is hollow. And we find a whole new world beneath us. We kick out the mole people and anyone willing to colonize this new land doesn't have to pay taxes, but you get to keep, but you get to keep making money. Sometimes you get to make more money, a lot more money than you made here up on top of the service. How pumped would you be if you doubled your income and basically stopped paying taxes? That would be the fucking best. But then what if years later, you're asked to pay

Starting point is 01:10:50 a little bit of taxes again. Not as much as you paid before, not even close to as much, but a lot more than zero. Would you be happy? No. Right again, even if you paid less than you paid back on our service, you'd still be pissed. And if you felt like those taxes went to fixing a lot more potholes in the States than they

Starting point is 01:11:07 did in the hall of earth, mold people land, you'd be super pissed. No one likes to suddenly have to pay more money one day than they did the day before, and they really don't like it. If it seems like that money is going to help somebody from someplace far away. These new acts were resisted with verbal agitation, physical violence, deliberate evasion of duties, agreements among merchants not to import English goods, overt acts of hostility towards British enforcement agents, and especially in Boston. In response in the fall of 1768, Parliament dispatched two regiments of the British army

Starting point is 01:11:39 to Boston to start, you know, squashing some shit. Things are getting real serious now. The announcement that British troops are coming creates immediate resentment amongst the colonists. The idea that British troops were coming, not to defend them in time of war, but to pacify them seemed inconceivable to many. At the end of September,

Starting point is 01:11:56 the troops arrived in Boston Harbor. The troops initially encamped in the Boston Commons, as well as in the courthouse and in Fanyl Hall. The governor offered the troops' manufacturing house as a barracks, but the governor offered the troops' manufacturing house as a barracks, but the inhabitants of the manufacturing house refused to be evicted, and the troops had to find some other place to stay.

Starting point is 01:12:11 The British officers had no trouble finding other lodging, and they were accepted into Bostonian society, but Boston wanted nothing to do with the British soldiers who were known to enjoy a rom and prostitution, Boston's still very pure tanical, and they wanted no part of that. Also in the first few months, they're staying Boston's 70 troops deserted and find their way into the interior of the colony.

Starting point is 01:12:31 And then there were other problems sending troops to Boston accomplished nothing for England other than speeding up the countdown to a revolution. Tension in Boston continue with the Boston non-importation agreement of August 1st, 1768. This agreement was basically a formal collective decision made by Boston-based merchants and traders not to import or export any items to Britain. Nice little fuck you to King George and Parliament and biscuit tits.

Starting point is 01:12:54 Fine, send your troops. We can't fight you with troops of our own, not yet, but we can assault your pocketbook. Less than two years later on March 5th, 1770, tension would increase greatly through what would forever become known as the Boston Massacre. March 5th, 1770, the evening of the fifth, in Boston, a small argument breaks out

Starting point is 01:13:15 between British private Hugh White and a few colonists outside the custom house on King Street. The argument begins to escalate as more colonists gather and begin to harass, throw sticks and snowballs at private white. Starts off real, it's kind of childish. Soon there's 50 colonists at the scene. The local British officer of the watch, Captain Tom is pressed and sends a number of soldiers over to the custom house to maintain order. However, the site of these British soldiers armed with bayonets just aggravates the crowd further,

Starting point is 01:13:42 the crowd continues to grow. They begin to shout with the soldiers, daring them to fire. Captain Preston then arrives and tries to get the crowd to go home. And then someone throws an object that strikes one of the soldiers, private Montgomery, knocks him to the ground. And then, understandably, a little bit pissed off. Just assaulted, he fires into the crowd. And then after a few seconds of stuns silence, a number of other soldiers fire into the crowd as well. Three colonists die immediately, two more, die later from their wounds. The soldiers are charged with murder and they're given a civilian trial. And this trial brings us to one of our founders, Mr. John Adams. Adams was asked to defend the soldiers and Captain Thomas Preston, as nobody else would take the case. Without hesitation, Adams agrees.

Starting point is 01:14:25 Above all, John Adams believes in upholding the law and defending the innocent. Adams was convinced that the soldiers were wrongly accused, had fired into the crowd in self-defense. But in the months that followed his second cousin, Samuel Adams did everything in his power to paint the red coats as troublemakers who started the whole thing. And he did this because he knew if he could make a name for himself through a little bit of propaganda publicity, someday he could sell so much more beer than his second cousin, Nathaniel Longhorn Atticus, Michael Hardlemanate. And of course, that's nonsense. But Sam Adams really did go out of his way to malign the British soldiers. Public vigils were held to remind the people

Starting point is 01:14:58 of the brutal oppressors who killed their friends and defended the Redcoats. John Adams reminded the jury that facts are stubborn things. And whatever may be our wishes, our intonations, or the dictums of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence. The jury was out for nearly three hours before they returned with their final decision, six soldiers were found innocent, while the other two were convicted of manslaughter. The next major event that moved Britain towards war against the colonies occurred in June of 1772 when a group called the Sons of Liberty perpetrated the gasp bee affair. The Sons of Liberty, a secret organization formed in 1765 to fight

Starting point is 01:15:34 taxation from the crown were very active throughout all of the 13 colonies by 1772. While some think of them as a formal group, really the term was just used to describe any colonists dedicated to the cause of resisting the British Crown's new laws. And on June 9th of 1772, some sons of liberty came into direct conflict with the British naval officer known for aggressively enforcing unpopular laws, and what became known as the Gaspi affair. One lieutenant, William Duttington, of her magi-tie ship Gaspi, was charged with patrolling the waters of Narragansett's Bay off the coast of Rhode Island. Dunnington had earned a reputation as an overzealous and forced her loss, often boarding

Starting point is 01:16:12 and detaining vessels and confiscating cargoes many times without charge and without recourse for merchants whose goods were impounded. So needless to say, when he walked into colonial bars, no one was busted out into song like, for he's a Johnny good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, don't intend to do a jolly good fellow. Now, there were more like a mumbling stuff like, thatding tin, more like, more like putting tin, more like, more like funny donting tin. Yeah, that's the one efforts to want when the want them get it. He's a fatty, daddy, another Sam, some atoms, please, Tavikiva.

Starting point is 01:16:47 And yes, I know that bearded and existent losses of this kind were mounting. It was widely believed by colonists that these harassment were directed specifically at members of anyone's suspect that it being one of the sun's liberty. And on June 9th, the local vessel out of Newport was underway to Providence, Rhode Island when it's captain baited the HMS gaspie that led Dutton into shallow waters near work. The gaspie ran aground at a place that is now known as gaspie point. News of the grounding quickly reached Providence and a party of 55 men led by two men named John Brown and Abraham Whipple planned an attack on the ship.

Starting point is 01:17:18 Love some of these names. Whipple, Abe Whipple. You don't meet a lot of Abe Whipples anymore. John Brown is the man that Ivy League Brown University is named after. He's one of its founders. Abraham Whipple, not famous. Right after the gasp be affair, the Suns of Liberty took a vote on whether they wanted to keep work with somebody with such a dumb fucking name. And the unanimous and he decided, unanimously decided to banish him. Now actually Whipple was a military commander, first dude, unfurled a star, spangled banner and London. So he's, Whipple, Whipple was a military commander first dude unfurled a star spangled banner and London.

Starting point is 01:17:45 So, Whipple, Whipple whipped a little button this day. Anyway, the day after the gasp he ran aground Abe, John and others surrounded and boarded the ship, wounding Fuddy, Dutton, capturing the entire crew, and then the gasp he was looted and burned. The boldness of this attack was especially remarkable because none of the attackers made any effort to conceal their identities. Dutton and the crew easily identified the guys who fought them kidnapped and wounded them, looted and burned an official shift of her majesty's navy.

Starting point is 01:18:13 And the colonial courts didn't give a shit. The local courts were sick of the Royal Navy and rather than even attempt to prosecute the attackers, charges were brought against Lieutenant Dutton for illegally seizing goods prior to the attack. And when news of this reached parliament, they were unsurprisingly pretty outraged. A lot of pounding of gavils, a lot of whipping about a powdered wigs, a lot of indignant throat clearing, a lot of uproar. Why the nerve?

Starting point is 01:18:38 Why I never, the audacity, how dare how dare they, hmm, does anyone have a throat logins? Special commission was put together under the authority of vice admiralty courts and men were sent to apprehend the perpetrators of the gas be affair hauled them back to England for trial. However, this was a lot of, just a lot of tough talk. These committee members knew damn well. They tried to arrest these guys in the colonies where support for the crown continued to wane. They would just end up getting arrested themselves possibly killed so no arrests were ever made. Tension just continued to mount.

Starting point is 01:19:10 Another year passed and then in May of 1773, another pretty famous incident occurs involving some tea. The tea act, the tea, the mother fucking tea act of all tea acts was passed by parliament on May 10, 1773. It would kick the revolutionary movement up quite a few notches in Boston. This act not intended to raise revenue in the American colonies. In fact, it imposed no new taxes. It was designed to prop up the East India company, which was floundering financially and burdened currently with 18 million pounds of unsolved tea, 18 million pounds. This tea was to be shipped directly

Starting point is 01:19:46 to the colonies and sold at a bargain price. They just had to unload it with a clearance sale. With this act, the company was no longer required to pay in additional tax in England, which effectively lowered the price of East India companies tea in the colonies. However, this act also allowed the East India company to undercut various colonial tea merchants who were not getting the same deal and they were pissed. It was viewed rightly so as Britain favoring British merchants at the expense of colonial merchants. So colonists in Philadelphia, New York turned the T-shirts back to Britain.

Starting point is 01:20:14 In Charleston, cargo was left to rot on the docks and Boston, the Royal Governor, was stubborn and held the ships in port, where the colonists would not allow them to unload. Cargos of T soon filled the harbor, and the British ships crews were stalled in Boston out of work and often finding themselves getting in trouble. This all led to the infamous Boston Tea Party. On December 16, 1773, protesting this act, a party of Bostonians thinly disguised as mohicans,

Starting point is 01:20:40 boarded some ships anchored in the Boston Harbor and dumped 340 chests full of over 92,000 pounds of tea into the ocean and today's You know money they destroyed almost two million dollars worth of tea and again the British not pumped about it Why the nerve why I never Mmm the audacity how dare they for the love of virgin mother man. Can I please get a goddamn throat. Lawson. In retaliation for all of this, the colonial resistance to British rule during the winter of 1773, 74, the British parliament in acts for measures that became known as

Starting point is 01:21:16 the intolerable acts. There were the Boston Port Act, the Massachusetts government act, the administration of justice act, and the Quaternary Act. And as you can probably guess, these acts were not full of pro-colonial legislation. The Boston Port Act closed Boston Harbor until restitution was made for the destroyed T. The Massachusetts Government Act abolished the colonial government and replaced it with a new council appointed by the Crown. So you get the idea. All four acts sent the same message.

Starting point is 01:21:43 You think you can stand up to us? No, man, fuck you. We're gonna fucking squash you. These depressive acts became the colonist justification for convening the first continental Congress in 1774. On September 5th, 1774, the first continental Congress convened in Philadelphia. 56 delegates represented all the colonies except Georgia.

Starting point is 01:22:01 Georgia decided against angering Britain because they were facing attacks from creek Indians on their borders, and they desperately needed the support of regular British soldiers to defend their colonists. On October 20th, 1774, the Continental Congress essentially tells Britain to go fuck itself. On October 20th, the first Continental Congress adopts the articles of association in response to the intolerable acts. The Continental association was basically a universal prohibition of trade with great Britain. They would made a handful of exceptions, it prohibited import, consumption, and export of goods with England. It established citizen committees to enforce the act throughout the colonies. With this act, the reality of war

Starting point is 01:22:39 started to become very possible if not probable. Pretty gutsy for the colonists to even entertain war with Britain. In 1775, about two and a half million people lived in the 13 American colonies and about 500,000 of them lived in Virginia, the largest and most popular colony. Roughly eight million people lived in Great Britain. Then on March 23rd, 1775, convinced the war with Great Britain was inevitable. Future first governor of Virginia, owner of a pair of balls of steel, Patrick Henry, advocates strong resolutions for equipping the Virginia militia to fight against the British in a fiery speech, given enrichment in a church where he uttered the famous words, I know not what course others

Starting point is 01:23:19 may take, but ask for me, give me liberty or give me death. Yeah, yeah, right? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:23:29 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Dank don't think don't think don't think don't think don't think don't think America, fuck yeah. Well, little snippet of the Air Banjo star spindle banner melody has worked on earlier. And now basically everyone knew wars coming. Lots of dudes are about to go full William Wallace on the British freedom. Now let's move on to another famous date. America's history, April 18, 1775. Late on the night of April 18, Paul Revere, heard of him, rode from Charlestown, to Lexington, both the Massachusetts to warn that

Starting point is 01:24:10 the British were marching from Boston to seize the colonial armory, that place where weapons were stored and conquered. Famous 19th century American poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow would later write a famous poem about this ride called Paul Revere's Ride. Here's just a taste of it. Listen, my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride called Paul Revere's Ride. Here's just a taste of it. Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere. On the 18th of April in 75, hardly a man is now alive, who remembers that famous day and year. He said to his friend, if the British march, by land or sea from the town tonight, hang a lantern aloft in the bell-fry arch of the North Church Tower as a signal light. One, if by land and two, if by sea,

Starting point is 01:24:51 and I on the opposite shore will be ready to ride and spread the alarm through every middle-sex village in form for the country folk to be up and to arm. Regulators, mount up! In round the Concorde, thanks to Revere's warning, the British force of 700 men is met in Lexington, Massachusetts on Lexington, Green by 75 local men and men and others. It's not clear who fired the first shot, but a skirmish break broke out, the left American eight Americans dead, 10 wounded and two British soldiers were also wounded. Early in the morning of April, 1917, 1975, the American Revolutionary War has begun. At Concord, the British are met by hundreds of militiamen. Outnumbered,

Starting point is 01:25:29 running low on ammunition, the British column was forced to retire to Boston after taking their first losses of the new war. On the return march, American snipers took a deadly toll in the British. Total losses for the British and the battles of Lexington and Concord were 73 killed. 174 wounded. 53 went missing, 49 killed, 39 wounded, five missing for the Americans. Shit was on. American militia were now gathered by the thousands in Boston and elsewhere, farmers, marching traders, everyone was grabbing their guns, quickly forming militia units to fight the British. It was all very, very red dawn. Ask, whoo rings. The next skirmish occurred on May 10, 1775, when the British fort De Conde Roge located

Starting point is 01:26:07 way up north and upstate New York, north of Albany was seized by Ethan Allen and his green mountain boys, comprised of less than a hundred men. The green mountain boys caught the redcoats sleeping literally, literally attacked them super early in the morning when they were still asleep. The British garrison had fort De Conde Roga numbered barely 50 men. As the first rebel victory of the Revolutionary War, the Battle of Fort Decau de Roga served as the morale booster and provided key artillery for the Continental Army in that first year of the war. Canons captured the fort would be used during the successful siege of Boston

Starting point is 01:26:37 the following spring. While the green mountain boys were taken to fort a new country is officially being formed in Philadelphia. Also on May 10th, the second continental congress meets to organize a proper war effort against the British. That a lot of questions to answer. First and foremost, how would the colonists meet the military threat of the British? It was agreed that a continental army would be created. The Congress commissioned now 43-year-old George Washington Virginia to be the supreme commander who chose to serve without pay.

Starting point is 01:27:04 Washington was a debt grade in experience, military leader now. He'd fought numerous decisive battles in the French and Indian War, got to do a suck on George mother fucking Washington one day. Also, how it supplies be paid for. Congress authorized the printing of colonial money. Before the leaves, it turned Congress even appointed a standing committee to conduct relations with foreign governments. Should the need ever arise to ask for help,

Starting point is 01:27:25 which it would no longer was the continental Congress dealing with mere grievances like the first time they convened. It was in a full, it was now a full-fledged governing body. Still in May of 1775, the majority of delegates were not actually seeking independence from Britain. Only radicals like John Adams were out of this mindset. In fact, that July Congress approved the Olive Branch petition, which was a direct appeal to King George.

Starting point is 01:27:51 The American delegates pleaded with King George a third to attempt a peaceful resolution and they declared their loyalty to the crown. Even after the war started, they're still fighting for loyalty overall. The king refused this petition and instead declared the colonies to be in a state of open rebellion in August of 1775. He sent the colonists a hand drawn picture of a small bird and wrote underneath it in crayon, biscuit tits sees all biscuit tits knows all and biscuit tits shall punished the wicked. George washington read it out loud instead, and I quote, who the fuck is Biscuit hit? What really happened is a George ordered the hiring

Starting point is 01:28:28 of Hessian mercenaries to bring the colonists under his control. Hessians were German soldiers required by their own nation to fight who King George was able to hire. They were not some private army, poor bastards. They had nothing against colonists, but they were forced to fight them. Americans now felt less and less like their English brethren.

Starting point is 01:28:44 How could Britain hire foreign soldiers to beat them into submission? Repairing a relationship with the crown looked pretty unlikely after Georgie Porgy hired the Hessians. Christ for independence are now growing, growing louder and stronger, the men in Philadelphia are now wanted for treason, yet they continue to optimistically govern. The summer of 1776, they made a formal declaration of independence.

Starting point is 01:29:07 That point of no return now seems inevitable. But before that occurs more fighting. On May 27, 1775, the Battle of Chelsea Creek becomes the second proper military engagement of this new war. It ends with a victory for the American colonists after their first naval engagement of the war. It's also known as the Battle of Newtles Island. excuse me, Nautilus Island, Battle, I wish it was Newtles, it's more fun.

Starting point is 01:29:29 Battle of Hog Island and the Battle of Chelsea estuary. The British army, or I'm sorry, the British armed schooner, Diana, was destroyed in its weaponry, was appointed by the colonial side. Another morale booster for the colonial forces. The rebels lost no men in the taking of Diana and the British lost two, right. They lost a ship. And I'd go into more detail about this battle. We have a lot of battles to touch on. And if we go into detail on all of them, this episode of Times like will be roughly 27 hours long, and I'll die of sleep deprivation. On June 10, 1775, George Washington, officially named Commander in Chief of the Unified Forces.

Starting point is 01:30:02 Rumor has it. He was rock hard for the entire day. Rock hard with patriotism. Seven days later, the Americans would attempt to lace each to Boston, which had been taken over by the British forces station there. On June 17, 1775, a place called Breeds Hill in Charlestown, Massachusetts was the primary focus of combat in the misleadingly named battle of Bunker Hill. Charlestown is now a neighborhood within Boston. Some 2300 British troops eventually cleared the hill of entrenched Americans, but at the cost of more than 40% of their assault force. This battle was a huge moral victory for the Americans.

Starting point is 01:30:35 The American self-retotal of 450 casualties with 115 dead compared to over a thousand casualties for their British, including 207 dead. The battle of Bunker Hill, important for a variety of reasons, the first one being that it was the first true battle of the Revolutionary War. No sneak attack, no ambush, head to head battle. The American troops got to learn firsthand that the British Red Cotes could be fought straight up and killed. They were not invincible.

Starting point is 01:30:58 The Battle of Bunker Hill would be the foundation that the colonists would look back on to build courage to fight many other battles during the revolution. The fierce fighting in this battle also foreshadowed that it was going to be a long, close war. On July 3rd, 1775, George Washington officially assumes command of the continental army from November through December, various sized battles are fought in South Carolina, North Carolina, even in Montreal. The Battle of Quebec was an attempt on December 31, 1775 by American colonial forces to capture the city of Quebec, drive the British military from the province of Quebec, and enlist French Canadian support for the American Revolutionary War.

Starting point is 01:31:33 The British governor of Quebec, General Guy Carlton, could not get significant outside help because the St. Lawrence River was frozen, so he had to rely on a relatively small number of regulars along with local militia that had been raised in the city to fight the colonists. Richard Montgomery and Benedict Arnold let a force of about 1200 Americans and Canadian militia in a multi-pronged attack on the city which due to bad weather and bad timing did not start well, ended with Montgomery dead, Arnold wounded, and more than 400 men captured. The confidence of the cotton alarm a bit shaken after this loss. But then American Mariah was boosted once again on July,

Starting point is 01:32:08 on January 9th, 1776. In late 1775, the colonial conflict with the British looked like a civil war, more than a war aiming to separate nations. However, the publication of Thomas Payne's irreverent pamphlet common sense abruptly put independence on the agenda in early 1776. Pages 50 page pamphlet made accessible to the masses via his elegant but direct language sold more than a hundred thousand copies within the first few months.

Starting point is 01:32:38 More than any other single publication, common sense paved the way for the Declaration of Independence. Also a proportion to the population of the colonies that time, it had the largest sale and circulation of any book published in American history, and it still remains per capita the best selling American book of all time. It's really important because even though the people had been fighting many Americans, South of the war would end when the British gave them representation in the government and stopped making all those unfair acts. But now pain basically states, hey, you know what we could do?

Starting point is 01:33:07 We could just have our own country. I mean, we could just do that. And everyone went nuts. It's like, yeah, we could have our own country. Yeah, fucking George. And the battles rage on by March of 1776, the colonists had retaken Boston, the British Navy forced to evacuate to Halifax, Canada on June 11, 1776 Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Roger Sherman, Robert Livingston, appointed to a committee to draft

Starting point is 01:33:31 an official declaration of independence from Britain. The Virginia Declaration of Rights has drafted on June 12, 1776 by George Mason to proclaim the inherent rights of men including the rights reform or abolish and inadequate government. The document would later be drawn upon by Thomas Jefferson for the opening paragraphs of the Declaration of Independence. In June of 1776, Jefferson had requested the committee drafts a declaration of which only a fragment to exist. Jefferson's clean or fair copy, the original rough draft, is reviewed by the committee. Then on June 28, 1776, a fair copy of the committee draft of the Declaration of

Starting point is 01:34:05 it is read by Congress. Also on June 28th, the Battle of Sullivan's Island is fought, took place near Charleston, South Carolina, and the British attempted to capture the city from American forces and they failed epically. The South Carolinians lost 12 men and another 25 were wounded compared to the British suffering 225 casualties. The idea of a separate nation developing from this revolution is becoming more and more real. More colonists are joining the rebel movement and ceasing to become

Starting point is 01:34:29 British loyalists. The road to independence continues the next day in Virginia. The Virginia Convention that had met in Williamsburg from May 6th through July 5th, 1776 had unanimously adopted a declaration of rights on June 12th and then on June 29th, the unanimously adopted the first constitution of the independent Commonwealth of Virginia. And then over the course of four days from July 1st through the fourth, in 1776, Congress debates and revises the Declaration of Independence. On July 2nd, Congress declares independence as the British fleet and army arrive in New York. And then on July 4th, the declaration of independence is officially adopted. America's official birth date.

Starting point is 01:35:12 After Congress recommends that the colonies form their own governments, the declaration is written by Thomas Jefferson, revised it a committee. Congress adopts it the morning on a bright, sunny, but cool Philadelphia day. Local printer John Dunlap prints about 200 copies at his shop near the corner of second market streets in Philadelphia just blocks from Independence Hall. These prints are now called Dunlap broadsides. Twenty-four copies are known to exist to which in the Library of Congress, I have 15 of them. Prove me wrong.

Starting point is 01:35:38 One of these was Washington's personal copy. I keep them in a place you don't even know about. I haven't buried somewhere. After the printing of this declaration, the founding fathers spread the word of their, this announcement. On July 5th, John Hancock, president of the Continental Congress, dispatches the first of Dunlap's broad size to the legislators of New Jersey and Delaware. Delaware is pretty excited.

Starting point is 01:35:58 People in New Jersey can't read. So it kind of falls on deaf ears over there. The Pines, they actually eat their copies, which does make them a little bit stronger and more ferocious in battle. So that's parts good. On July 6th, the Pennsylvania evening post prints the first newspaper rendition of a declaration of independence on the 8th of July, the first public reading of the declaration is in Philadelphia. Then on the 9th of July, General Washington orders the declaration to be read before the American army in New York, meanwhile, fighting continues. On July 15, 1776, at Linley's Fort in South Carolina, American colonists fend off an attack

Starting point is 01:36:31 by American Indians and Tories dressed as Indians. Tories were one of the names given to American colonists who stayed loyal to the British crown during the war. Fucking Tories. First the British loyalist, then Toriespelling. So many Tories have done so many things to hurt of America. And I have no actually have nothing against Tory spelling that's the only other Tordekin think of. I don't know much about Tory spelling. I never watched Beverly Hills 90210

Starting point is 01:36:53 which I do realize might make me an American to some. On July 19, 1776, Congress orders the declaration to be officially inscribed signed by its members. On August 2, delegates began to sign an official copy, large British reinforcement arrives in New York after being repelled at Charleston and more battles rage on also on August 27, the revolution suffers a setback when the red coats defeat George Washington's army in the Battle of Long Island. The British recognized the strategic importance of New York as a focal point for communications between the Northern and Southern colonies. Washington also recognizes in April of 1776 moved his troops from Boston to New York as a focal point for communications between the Northern and Southern colonies. Washington also recognized this and in April of 1776 moved his troops from Boston to New

Starting point is 01:37:29 York, position his troops on the western end of Long Island in anticipation of the British arrival. And an American outpost under command of Colonel Edward Han sent words of the British were preparing to cross Long Island from Staten Island on August 22nd at dawn. And then British general William Howe would go on to defeat General Charles Leigh at the Battle of Long Island. Washington arrived on August 27th, realized he put his troops in a terrible situation. He'd split his troops between Manhattan and Long Island with the Hudson River, the East River, and the Long Island sound open to British warships and transport.

Starting point is 01:38:01 Rather than stay in fight, Washington chose a strategic retreat on August 29th, he escaped under the cover of darkness that evening. When the British charged the next morning, they found empty trenches. Surprise, motherfuckers will go! We'll see you soon, Lord dogs. We'll see you real soon. Washington's army lived to fight another day, an army that was tattered and not well organized at this point. Washington was having a hard time organizing his militia into the army he needed them to be. America's Congress was reluctant to force anyone to fight because they were essentially fighting the concept of being forced to do things. So hard to be like, you know, we will not stand for foreign tyranny. We will not be told what to do by King George and his minions. No,

Starting point is 01:38:40 we have a new George George Washington and he is going to now tell us what to do. So grab a gun and fight, seriously, do it right now, grab those muskets and fight for freedom, or we will fucking hang you for treason immediately. So putting together the American army, a little bit tricky. Volunteers are trickling in, officers are appointed by local authorities instead of being chosen based on military, act, human or experience. Despite these handicaps, Washington's volunteer soldiers continue to fight on. On September 15th, 1776, the British occupying New York City.

Starting point is 01:39:12 Next day, General George Washington, Daniel Green, Israel Putnam, or Putnam, fight British forces in New York and triumphantly hold their ground at the Battle of Harlem Heights. The American victory resulted in 90 British casualties, 300 wounded. It was General Washington's first battlefield victory of the war. Six days later, an American captain was captured and executed without trial by the British. September 21, 1776, having penetrated the British lines on Long Island to obtain information, American captain Nathan Hale captured by the British, hanged without trial the next day. Before his death, Hale is not toiff said, I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.

Starting point is 01:39:49 I remarked similar to one in the play, Kato by Joseph Addison, that had been published in 1713. So freedom, William Wallace vibes continue. On October 11, 1776, the naval battle of Valcourt Island, also knows the battle of Valcourt Bay takes place on Lake Champlain. This battle, generally regarded as the first important naval battle of the American Revolutionary War. The first fought by the new United States Navy. Most of the ships in the American fleet under the command of Benedict Arnold captured or destroyed by a British force under General Guy Carlton. Despite being pounded by the British and losing 11 ships and losing nearly 200

Starting point is 01:40:25 sailors to capture her casualty, the American defense of Lake Champlain stalled British plans to reach the upper Hudson River Valley, the British won the battle, but the Americans did enough damage to the British, take away another moral victory proving to themselves they could hold their own against the British Navy. While there was a brief low on active New York military operations after the battle of Harlem Heights on October 28, 1776, the British did score a victory in their New York and New Jersey campaign at the Battle of White Plains, New York. After eventual defeats, the battle is long Island and Harlem Heights. George Washington moved his army northward into New York state and the British pursued him by land and river. By October 28,

Starting point is 01:41:04 the Americans had reached a base of their supplies at White Plains, New York. Then on the morning of October 28th, the British led by General William Howe, supported by the Hessians attacked, Washington events, the order to fighting withdrawal and the Continentals retreated to North Castle, New York. Both sides took losses in Washington's retreat. The Battle of White Plains resulted in roughly 217 American casualties and 233 British casualties. So George Washington, you know, he's had to do numerous retreats now, but they haven't squashed him out entirely. And this is come back to haunt the British. George Washington now really pushing for Congress

Starting point is 01:41:36 to let him organize please a proper conscripted army, the low enlistment numbers for volunteers, the loose method of creating officers not helping their cause harder and harder to fight against this sizeable force of professional soldiers. The need for better trained soldiers became even more apparent in mid November of 1776 as the battle for New York continued to rage. On November 16th, the British won the Battle of Fort Washington as the Hessians helped the English capture the New York Fort. This attack was fought on the island of Manhattan. It's crazy to think about all these battles being fought where Manhattan is right now.

Starting point is 01:42:07 It was a final devastating chapter in general, general Washington's disastrous New York campaign. The Americans were outnumbered. 3000 colonial troops to 8,000 British and Hessian forces. 8,000 better trained troops unwilling to abandon Manhattan entirely. Washington ordered General Nathaniel Green to defend Fort Washington. Though hastily constructed, Fort Washington wrought havoc on British warships attempting to sail up the Hudson River. It was similarly successful in repulsing Hessian attacks in early November. But these early successes had given Green and Colonel Robert McGaw, the fourth garrison commander

Starting point is 01:42:38 of Fall Census Security. In the Americans reportedly suffered 59 killed and 2,858 captured, including probably more than 1,000 wounded in the battle when the British took to Fort. The loss of all their arms and equipment devastated. Four days later, the Revolutionary Suffer yet another defeat in late 1776. If Vegas had been around, sports bookies would have heavily favored an eventual British victory, but they'd be wrong. They'd learned to never bet against the Tom Brady of the Revolutionary War. George Washington, a man who didn't care how many points

Starting point is 01:43:11 his team was down, played his best in the fourth quarter. On November 20th, 1776, the Redcoats Lord Cornwallis captured Fort Lee, New Jersey, overlooking Manhattan and the Hudson River from Nathaniel Green. With a force of four to six thousand British soldiers, Cornwallis crossed the Hudson Rivsor in a rainstorm, landed about six miles north of the fort than March south. Washington sent word of the British advance to the Connolly Congress, suggested that Philadelphia would likely become the next target. This news came as a shock to many of the delegates there who had failed up until this point to grasp how badly the war was going for them.

Starting point is 01:43:44 When Cornwallis' forces arrived, it fortily encountered no opposition. Green had let a hurry to evacuate the force. 2000 man, Garrison marched them back towards Hackensack, New Jersey, where Washington was waiting for them. The British were delighted at what they found. They found an abandoned fort. They found 50 cannons, a thousand barrels of flour, stores of ammunition, vass quantities of other supplies left behind by a fleeing group of soldiers.

Starting point is 01:44:08 They did also capture, I think this is hilarious, 12 drunk American soldiers in the fort. There was 12 guys hiding there still. And they found about 150 other people, in the vicinity they took prisoner. But I just love those 12 drunk guys, who somehow did get the fuck a message so they had to leave quickly.

Starting point is 01:44:24 Just making plan, just maybe is hiding for we could hide I really get a hiding There's no one in those no and no we're here. I We got so much flower We get let me make pancakes and we look and we just say Louie guys. I don't want to fight you I don't want to fight you. I don't wanna fight you. I'm making pancakes. I'm making pancakes. I don't wanna fight you.

Starting point is 01:44:51 I like biscuits. I don't eat fun bird. I like learning. I like, I like teeing. I don't wanna find no one. I don't wanna be here. I don't know what, I don't know. I'm crying. The American soldiers then make a history treat West during Washington's retreat that Thomas

Starting point is 01:45:12 Payne composed his pamphlet, the American crisis, which began with the famous phrase, these other times that try men's souls. In need of a victory, Washington strikes next through stealth, big victory for the Americans coming up. Wolverines. victory. Washington strikes next through stealth. Big victory for the Americans coming up. Wolverines! General George Washington's army crosses the icy Delaware on Christmas day 1776. And over the course of the next 10 days, wins two crucial battles for the American Revolution. Dude is fighting for free. Doesn't even take off Christmas. In the Battle of Trenton, on December 26, Washington defeats a formidable garrison of

Starting point is 01:45:43 Hessian mercenaries before withdrawing about 900 prisoners were taken. Fun battle of Trenton fact during the battle, Alexander Hamilton of musical fame, the first secretary of the United States treasury fires, cannons, and British troops blockaded at Nassau Hall, the main building of the College of New Jersey. Now Princeton, three years earlier, Hamilton applied to the college, but been rejected. How fun would that be? Right. He was rejected when he asked for permission to take courses at his own pace and they

Starting point is 01:46:10 denied him. How fun would that be then to fire cannons at a college that had rejected you? Hey, we're starting from here. They can't allow this thing to be around pace. How's this pace? How's this cannonball pace? Will you allow it? Yippee-kai- motherfuckers week later, Washington

Starting point is 01:46:26 returns to trend to lure British forces south, then executes daring night march to capture Princeton on January 3rd in this battle. Washington famously rode forward on his white horse as he led his soldiers in a successful counter attack against the British. At one point watched it was no more than 30 yards from the British line. That's fucking crazy. He's, he's three first downs away from the British. He was an easy target, despite the widespread fears that he could be shot down at any moment. Washington was heard yelling at his troops, parade with me, my fine fellows. We will have them soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These victories re, re asserted, re asserted American control of much of New Jersey greatly improved the

Starting point is 01:47:05 morale and unity of the colonial army and militias. One might even say these victories kept the struggle for independence alive. The fight to create an independent nation via the pen continued as well on January 18, 1777. Congress now sitting in Baltimore, Maryland, ordered that signed copies of the Declaration of Independence printed by Mary Catherine Goddard of Baltimore be sent to all the colonial states. The fighting continues with several battles, including the only battle in Connecticut, the Battle of Richfield, then on June 14, 1777, the nation adopts the first stars and stripes. On June 14, the continental Congress

Starting point is 01:47:40 adopts the following as part of their flag resolution. That the flag of the United States be 13 stripes, alternate red and white, that the union be 13 stars, white in a blue field, representing a new constellation. You, S, A, you, S, A battles and scrimmages go back and forth in the summer of 77, occurring in Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, and Maryland, on September 26, 1777, the British under the leadership of how, uh, occupy Philadelphia. Damn it. You, uh, hey, you, uh, hey, you, uh, hey, the campaign in Philadelphia had begun quite badly for the American forces. Washington, the continental army had suffered successive defeats at the battles of Brandywine and the Battle of Piole that left Philadelphia defenseless after the seizures of the revolutionary capital by Charles Cornwallis on September 26, 1777, William Howe left 3462 men to defend it and

Starting point is 01:48:31 moved 9728 men to Germantown, five miles north, determined to locate and destroy the American forces. Howe established his quarters at Stanton, Pennsylvania. With Howe's forces thus divided Washington's son opportunity to confront the British. He decided to attack the British garrison in Germantown as the last effort of the year before the onset of winter, with only a sword and his cock. He marched naked to that fort and he killed 3,000 British and took him fucking 20 minutes. Anyway, more true history. Now he planned to attack his plans to attack the British at night with four columns from different directions, with the goal of creating a double-invelement, Washington hoped to surprise

Starting point is 01:49:10 the British and Hessian armies in much the same way he'd surprised the Hessians with the Battle of Trenton. But it didn't work. When they attacked on October 4, 1777, the Battle of Germantown, roughly 700 men from Washington's army were killed and wounded. Another 400 were captured. The British suffered more than 500 casualties as well, but they held their ground in Washington had to retreat.

Starting point is 01:49:29 Despite the British victory, many Europeans, especially the French, were impressed by the doggy determination of George Washington and his continent army. Battles continued to the fall and into the winter of 1777. Following failures, at the battles of Brandywine and Germant town, Washington, 11,000 soldiers took up winter quarters at Valley Forge, 22 miles northwest of British occupied Philadelphia. They stayed there from December 1977 until June, 1917, 78, although Washington's ranks were decimated by disease by the end of the encammant, one in six soldiers would die of the flu, type this typhoid fever or dysentery. All the soldiers would suffer semi-starvation and bitter cold. The reorganized continental army decided to do some rocky four-type training shit and they emerged the following

Starting point is 01:50:14 June as a well-disciplined and efficient fighting force. A lot of the credit for the training goes to Frederick, Friedrich, Wilhelm von Stuben. He was a Prussian military leader that came to America specifically to fight for America. He'd fought well in the seven years war in Europe, and then after having seen his Prussian military career, stall out over allegations that he was homosexual, he decided to go fight for America. This 47-year-old dude was battle hardened,

Starting point is 01:50:42 and he now had to whip some volunteers into a proper fighting force and that's exactly what he did. Washington let him do that. And he was all likely, in all likelihood, truly was a homosexual and I love that detail. So much uproar about gays in the military for so many years, even though a gay man helped turn America's very first fighting force into the well-trained military that helped win the war against Britain. France watching all of this, a nation that was defiantly on team fuck England, a nation

Starting point is 01:51:10 still stinging from his defeat at the hand of the British in the Seven Years War, agreed to help the colonists then fight the British on February 6, 1778. The French had secretly furnished financial material aid to the Americans in 1776, but now with assigning an impairs of the Treaty of Amity and Commerce and the Treaty of Alliance, the Franco-American Alliance was formalized. France began preparing fleets and armies to enter the fight but did not formally declare war against Britain until June of 1778. On June 18, 1778, after almost nine months of occupation, 15,000 British troops under General Sir Hillary Clinton. Sir Hillary Clinton.

Starting point is 01:51:45 That's weird. Sir, that's the weirdest visual. I knew she was old until this. I didn't realize she was a couple hundred years old. No, the troops were under General Sir Henry Clinton, evacuate Philadelphia, the former US capital. British general William Howe, Clinton's predecessor, had made Philadelphia the seat of the Continental Congress the focus of his campaign, but the Patriot government had deprived him of the decisive victory he hoped for by moving

Starting point is 01:52:11 their operations to the more secure side of York, Pennsylvania, week before the city was taken. The British position in Philadelphia became untenable after Francis entrances to the war on the side of the Americans. To avoid the French fleet, General Clinton was forced to lead his British Hessian forces to New York City by land. Loyalists in the city sailed down the Delaware River to escape the Patriots, who returned to Philadelphia the very next day after the British departure. The British completed their evacuation on June 18th and estimated 3,000 Tories left the city with troops, with an hours, American cavalry arrived in the city. Now the Continental Army was ready to fight.

Starting point is 01:52:47 Professionalism, confidence and pride marked those who would survive the ordeal of Valley Forge. British and colonial armies clashed on June 28th at Monmouth Courthouse, the Battle of Monmouth, almost single-handedly lost by American General Charles Lee. When Washington learned that Lee was retreating instead of advancing as he'd been fucking told to do, he became enraged and galloped out to turn the men back around and led them on an attack against the British, due to not fuck around. So many stories of George Washington charging to the front lines in this battle, that battle,

Starting point is 01:53:17 leading troops here and there, got to suck that guy someday. The Americans took on an estimated 500 casualties in the battle. The British took on more than double that. The British retreated. It was clear to everyone that those ragged continentals who had suffered so much over the winter in Valley Forge were now a much tougher adversary for the British to fight. For the next year, the battles continued to go back and forth. And then in June of 1779, Spain declares war on Great Britain.

Starting point is 01:53:42 Thank you, Spain. Muchis gracias. Me gusta español. Viva español. Despite now fighting another empire, the British not done fighting the colonists. In 1778, British policymakers and strategists had decided to refocus their efforts on the southern colonies.

Starting point is 01:53:57 Where they believed the crown would enjoy the support of a large loyalist population. As part of that effort, a British army under Lieutenant Colonel Archibald, Archibald Campbell had captured the city of Savannah on December 29, 1778. In the fall of 79, the Americans with their French allies were determined to take Savannah back, but they would fail and Savannah would remain in British hands until the end of the war. From November of 1779 through June of 1780, General George, mother fucking Washington spends his second winter in New Jersey and it just so happened to be the harshest winter of the 18th century,

Starting point is 01:54:28 son of a bitch, over the following summer. British troops captured Charleston, South Carolina, and crushed the Americans at Waxock Creek in South Carolina, as well as Routy Americans and Camden, South Carolina. Yeah, they're fighting many different nations now, but they're not done. They're not done with the Americans. And the French troops arrive in July to assist the American cause. Then in September of 1780, Benedict Arnold, mother fucks the revolutionary cause by joining the British army and attacks the very men he used to lead.

Starting point is 01:54:55 Having fought valiantly in a number of battles earlier in the war, American general Benedict Arnold conspired with the British to surrender the four at West Point that he commanded. When John Andre Andre, the British Army officer with whom Arnold had negotiated was hanged as a spy after he was captured and his plot was revealed. Arnold took sanctuary with the British and his name has become synonymous with traitor ever since an endless batch of skirmishes skirmishes would occur up and down the country throughout the fall and winter in December of 1780. Arnold would lead a force of 1600 troops into Virginia, where he captured Richmond by

Starting point is 01:55:29 surprise. Then I went, went on a rampage through Virginia, destroying supplyhouses, foundries, mills, for the nation he had just fought on behalf months earlier. In early 1781, founding fathers, despite back and forth battles, remained optimistic and plan for colonial victory. On March 1st, 1781, the Articles of Confederation, a plan of government organization that served as a bridge between the initial government by the Continental Congress and the Federal Government provided under the U.S. Constitution of 1787 had been written in 1776 and 1777 and adopted

Starting point is 01:56:01 by the Congress on November 15, 1777. However, the article is not fully ratified until March 1, 1781. Meanwhile, more battles. March 15, 1781, the British win a costly battle at Gilford Court House in North Carolina. Despite the victory, more than 20% of Cornwallis' men are killed, wounded, or captured. The American suffer roughly 300 casualties while the British suffer roughly 500. In June, Americans would recapture Augusta, Georgia. On September 5th of 1781, the French Navy gives colonial efforts a big boost when they're

Starting point is 01:56:31 fleet fleet wins a critical naval battle by driving the British naval force from Chesapeake Bay. Thank you, France. I like you guys. I like your French fries, I like your crepes, I like how you won battles. After winning his costume victory at Guildford Courthouse, North Carolina on March 15, 1781, Lord Cornwallis enters Virginia to join other British forces there, setting up base in your account, Virginia.

Starting point is 01:56:53 Washington's army and a force under the French count, De Roche-en-Bau, full title, Marshall Jean Baptiste, Don Attien, Dave Vimueur, Comte de Roche de Rochambot. Do not like your fucking long names, France. Fan of French Fies, not a fan of long stupid names. Anyway, Washington and Captain Fuck that name place Yorktown under siege, a siege that lasts for three weeks. Nearly 20,000 French and American troops fighting less than 10,000 British and Hessian troops. After three weeks of fighting, Washington, along with the French, win arguably the most important and decisive battle of the American Revolutionary War. Cornwallis surrenders

Starting point is 01:57:30 his army of more than 7,000 remaining men on October 19, 1781. And this is the final major battle of the war and the one that would lead Britain to accept a new nation is here to stay. War rings. On March 20th of 1782, broken by military defeats Lord North resigned as British Prime Minister. On July 11th, 1782, the British pack up and leave Savannah, Georgia. The British and American signed preliminary articles of peace on November 30th, 1782. And then by December of 1782, the British had left Charleston. Uh, finally on September 3rd, 1783, the Treaty of Paris officially ends the war. After the British defeat at Yorktown, the land battles in America largely die out.

Starting point is 01:58:13 Fighting does continue for a while at sea, chiefly between the British and America's European allies, which came to include Spain and the Netherlands in the war's final days. With the Treaty of Paris, Britain recognizes the independence of the US with generous boundaries, including the Mississippi River on the West, Britain retains Canada but sees East and West Florida to Spain. Two months later, in November of 1783, the last British troops finally leave New York city, and then just a month later on December 23rd, George Washington resigns as commander of the continental forces.

Starting point is 01:58:42 His job was done, the war was won six years later. He become America's first president. Fast forward a few years on September 7th. Excuse me, September 17th, 1787. The US Constitution is signed. By June 21st, 1788, the Constitution is adopted when New Hampshire ratifies it and a new nation truly is born. And that seems like kind of things took a while, but things did take a while.

Starting point is 01:59:06 You know, the days before the internet or phones or planes, trains, not all bills or even a damn telegraph. And that is the end of today's giant time-soaked timeline. Good job, soldier. You made it back. Barely. So much happened. Sorry to gloss over a lot of it, but man, a lot to cram in to one roughly two hour episode. But I think we managed to give a good overview of what led up to the war and how the war played out.

Starting point is 01:59:40 Obviously, there's a ton more to the subject. I barely mentioned founding fathers like Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, so many others. Each of them needs a full suck to do them any justice. But now we know how does a little country called the United States of America, aka America, got going. And we know why. I did not know prior to this suck.

Starting point is 01:59:58 Britain wasn't debt from the French and any war and expected the American colonies to help prepare that debt, not unreasonably. England fought to defend the colonies from the French and their War and expected the American colonies to help repay that debt, not unreasonably. England fought to defend the colonies from the French and their American allies in the war. And maybe the colonies would have been okay with helping pay that money back and pay some taxes had Americans been allowed to become members of parliament. But they weren't included in the British government's legislative decisions, which led to the entire no taxation without representation battle cry. And then worried that expansion west could lead to another costly war, King George III for bid early settlers from settling west of the Appalachian Mountains.

Starting point is 02:00:32 And settlers who moved to America specifically so they could explore new territory and claim Newland for themselves didn't like that. And then the more King George pushed to make the Americans bend to his will, the more America fought against it. The more they started to consider forming their own nation. And when King George dismantled a colonial government in Massachusetts and appointed his own puppet government in his place, the seeds for war have been sown. And sweet little biscuit tits could not guide Georgie Porgy put in pie to victory.

Starting point is 02:01:02 To quote one of the greatest Americans of all time, Patrick Swayze, nobody puts baby in a corner. Nobody puts America in a corner. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody been the land of the free in the home of the brave ever since except for people who aren't white or who aren't dudes.

Starting point is 02:01:18 We've been the land of the free in the home of the brave ever since for white straight dudes, preferably our Christian. But you know that actually things, you know, we're still a lot better than the way things were before for a lot of people. And now things are a lot better for everyone, not perfect, but better. Hashtag white male privilege. Hashtag man's plenty. But seriously, I hope you had a good fourth July, you beautiful meat sack mother fuckers, Hope you had a good fourth July, you beautiful meat sack mother fuckers. 243 years after July 4th, 1776, almost 250 years when all this shit happened. Still going strong.

Starting point is 02:01:53 Time for today's top five takeaways. Number one, one of the major takeaways from this suck has to be taxes. The history of America is the history of people fucking hating taxes. Our ancestors went to great lengths to keep the fruits of their labor and not give their money to any king or government. Number two, another takeaway that I didn't really touch on is how much the colonists who came from a nation of kings did not want to have a king a monarch, you know, or even aristocrats. The constitution they

Starting point is 02:02:25 would set up would not allow for a monarchy. So in addition to hating taxes, our forefathers also hated hereditary rulers as do I. As much as I think people sometimes, you know, in the voting majority do make terrible choices within our democratic system of governments, at least we do get to choose, get to choose leader, get to choose a lot. Thank you, founding fathers. Number three, founding fathers. Number three, another takeaway from the Revolutionary War is that George Washington was a brave ass dude. If not for his dedicated military leadership encouraged the revolution, could have easily

Starting point is 02:02:53 failed multiple times, also making him even more badass. What he and the founding fathers did was illegal. Breaking the law. They killed government agents, soldiers, committed treason more than a few times, killing in the name of One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter Number four revolutions are ugly bloody and aren't fought for only noble reasons Humans are just humans

Starting point is 02:03:15 But despite our flaws and results that are never perfect. Sometimes we do build something beautiful And while we shouldn't deify our founders, we also should not demonize them I joke around about how only know, white men became free. And while there is a lot of truth to that, it's also true that the United States did usher in a revolutionary amount of freedom unto the modern world. The American experiment was a huge departure from European aristocracy and a huge step forward for the rights of the common working peasant, a huge step forward for freedom. And as common working peasant a huge step forward for freedom And as someone who comes from a family tree for the common working class peasants

Starting point is 02:03:49 I personally greatly appreciate all the freedoms and opportunities I enjoy living in this far from perfect But still amazing as fuck nation of mine Number five new info hard to talk about the birth United States and not talk about the people who lived in this land before This land as my land was ever sung. Some people subscribed to the notion that early Europeans came to America and like a thief in the night stole America from the natives and that's just not true. This narrative might sound good to all the virtual signals out there today, but the reality is that early settlers fought for this land. They fought in countless battles, a lot of battles with American Indians, and those American Indians put up one hell of a fight. They whoops and white ass many, many times,

Starting point is 02:04:31 for roughly 400 years. Many of them more than 560 tribes of indigenous Americans battled US settlers. So let's stop patronizing their fight. Instead of treating American Indians as if they were simpletons who were just easily tricked by the dirty white man time and time again, instead treat them like some of the greatest warriors the US had ever faced.

Starting point is 02:04:50 Took a couple hundred years to defeat the tribes who fought bravely with less men and inferior weapons than their adversaries. Many tribes are proud of their warrior history as they should be and the whole we stole this land narrative underscores the valiant battles of their ancestors early colons went to war with people who already lived here but those people did not just roll over and die americans had to defeat the british empire to birth the new nation and then they had to defeat an empire of tribes to keep it and both of those empires put up one hell of a fight. Revolutionary War has been sucked another big one, a lot of big stories lately, a lot of info.

Starting point is 02:05:32 Special thanks to the space sisters for supporting the show financially so we can hire the help needed to pump out this many details every week. Thanks to the time-soaked team, thanks to Queen of the Suck Lindsey Cummins, High Priestess, the Suck Harmony Velocamp, Jesse Gardy of Doughbner, Reverend Dr. Joe Paisley, time suck high priest, Alex Dugan, the guys at Biddelixer, Axis the Parallel. Thanks to Zach's scriptkeeper, Flannery, and thanks to Sophie, Fax Sourceris, Sophie Evans for all her help, excited to have Sophie in the Suck Dungeon, soon as our summer intern. Next week is a space lizard chosen topic

Starting point is 02:06:05 of Robert Hansen, the butcher baker. It's a summer murder here at TimeSuck. Little historical break this week, back to darkness next week. And don't worry, we will continue to add plenty of varied topics. But I am enjoying this true crime run we're having. Between 1971 and 1993, Hansen abducted,

Starting point is 02:06:21 raped and murdered at least 17 women in and around Anchorage, Alaska, hunting them down in the wilderness with a Ruger Mini 14 and a knife. He was arrested and convicted in 1983, sends to 461 years, life sends without the possibility of parole. This dude literally hunted people, flew them out to the Alaskan bush, hunted frightened human beings down as if they were elk or moose and you did it for over a decade and that's all i know about him right now but i'm gonna know a whole

Starting point is 02:06:49 whole bunch more tomorrow and then we're all gonna know a lot more next monday and now let's get to let's get to know some of our fellow time suckers with today's time sucker updates updates get your time sucker updates First update comes in from veteran and sucker and great dad and family man Mark Johnson. Mark writes, dear, suckiest Maximus Emperor of all that is suck, I have put a humble request.

Starting point is 02:07:19 I apologize for how linked this is and how a mush mouth jackass like yourself may not want to read this in its entirety on air. Too late, Mark. Doing just that. To begin with, I want you and all my fellow meat sacks to know what I'm about to say is not intended to have you feel pity for me, nor am I trying to get a hand out of any kind. I just need to preface this so that you understand the magnitude of love involved. I am a disabled vet. During my second year, I was injured, also gained some mental scars. However, I had a good job and was able to do more than most with my children. Then a couple of years ago, my injuries worsened and continued to worsen every day. Because of this, we now have financially collapsed and are

Starting point is 02:07:54 living paycheck to paycheck. I am battling with the VA because sometimes the government tends to take their time giving to you what's yours. Also, one of my children needed treatment this past year and the only place at the time able to admit her was in Butte, Montana. I live in Arkansas due to the wear on vehicles and the steep costs of trips. We have a truck where thousands were thousands behind on and one vehicle paid off that broke down two weeks ago. Therefore, come Father's Day, I felt financially nothing needed to be spent on me and honestly it feels I'm failing at that job too.

Starting point is 02:08:26 And all this stress has taken a heavy toll on a 14 year marriage. To my surprise, my wife managed to get me something that brought joy back to me which I haven't felt in a long time. My wife could give two shits about history. She probably didn't listen to the data. It's just who she is. So I assumed when I would talk to her about time, so the peanut gallery would go off on her head.

Starting point is 02:08:45 Just want want want want want want want want want. So imagine I surprised to open a box from her and find a time suck thermos. She knew how much this is meant to me to feel like I'm part of something I haven't felt since I was medically retired for the military. I have loved being a part of this and watching it grow. I love all you meet, Saks and I have but one request. Will you please thank my wife Dana for being such a strong and amazing woman. It would mean the world to me. And I'll let her know those tears were genuine when I opened that package. Thank you to Joe Paisley, Queen of the Suck,

Starting point is 02:09:14 and of course you, Mr. Cummins, regardless how this goes, I promise I will always remain a fan, and I promise to become a space lizard. As soon as I'm able, thank you, Mark. Well, thank you, Mark. No rush on the space, lizard. I love how much these Monday episodes and the community is growing around them. Meend you. Thank you, Dana, for being such a supportive and awesome wife. I'm sorry that both of you had a real rough time lately and I hope your daughter is a-okay.

Starting point is 02:09:36 And thank you for your service. So glad you found a new community with this group. It comforts me to know that there are so many other, just good-hearted, but dark, humorous weirdos, who love to learn, can humid weirdos, who love to learn, can take a joke, who think ignorance is unnecessary, and our current social climate of constant outrage is more than a little annoying. Glad you're part of the cult of the curious Mark.

Starting point is 02:09:52 Hail him, Rod. And you're not failing. Life is harder on some of us and others, and it sounds like you're doing everything you can with a lot of your shoulders. If you have a go-fun me campaign, just know that you can post it in the cult to curious Facebook group as others do and you know, if you need help from others. So again, I hope things go a lot better for you. And I'm glad this community means so much, means a lot to me as well. More messages continue to pour in regarding my work trickery and the Fritz whistle suck.

Starting point is 02:10:21 I'll just read one today. This comes in from an anonymous sucker who writes, fuck you Dan, you banana, fucking silver tongue suck or Bojangles monster red rocket. I hope you're happy because you finally got me with your bullshit. I'm listening to the Joester Fritz episode and you got to the part about how a guy you know

Starting point is 02:10:35 got warts from a hand job and someone else got aged from an aggressive finger bang. You freak me out so bad. Also, my teenage life, I was played by warts on my fingers. I tried every fucking thing I could think to get rid of them. Home remedies, freezing them off, even an acid solution to burn them off. Finally, age 18 for whatever reason they fell off and died on their own.

Starting point is 02:10:52 I no longer have problems with them and haven't had a warts since, but I do unfortunately have some scars on my fingers. The reason why you got me was because about a year after they all fell off, I got my first taste in some sweet female love and not all the way, but enough. When you settle that shit about warts and AIDS and shit and how I'd do it guys it from a hand job, I fucking panicked thinking I was going to have to call my ex and tell her she may have some crazy warrants because I had them on my hands at one point. A further research from what I can tell is not even possible for common warrants which I had to become general warrants.

Starting point is 02:11:20 Thank heaven, but still fuck you for giving me heart failure and almost making me call my ex and have the worst conversation ever. I pride myself on not being gotten by you because my father loves to do the same shit you do with misleading fake but super believable stories, but not today, motherfucker. You got me finally. I hope you're happy. I am happy. And not a mess sucker. Happy you don't have a hand job, you know, you don't have hand job warts on your face. And happy. I made you think that was even possible. Hey, you don't have a hand job, you know, you don't have hand job warts on your face. And happy I made you think that was even possible. Hey, Luciferina, I do wish you would have called your ex though. What a weird uncomfortable conversation that would be.

Starting point is 02:11:53 Hey, how you doing? I know, I know, yeah, it's weird for me to call. I just got a quick question. Hey, you remember how I used to finger blast you? And how I had, I used to have warts on my fingers? Well, don't freak out. There's a chance that you could have a lot of general warrants all over your face soon.

Starting point is 02:12:09 So maybe head off to your urgent care, and just get tested, and start about that. Get around, click. Time sucker Dean Bradley has some thoughts on how Austrian monster Joe Sir Fritzl should be punished. Dean wrote, Sir, your podcast are fantastic. The amount of detail and facts, along with the way you present these topics are amazing. I just listened to the Fritzl should be punished. Dean wrote, Sir, your podcast are fantastic. The amount of detail and facts

Starting point is 02:12:25 along with the way you present these topics are amazing. I just listened to the Fritzl episode. Hated listing to it, kind of hated you, but I could not stop listing. I know the feeling. I literally, no drama, took a shower after finishing that episode. Fuck Fritz, you that human piece of garbage.

Starting point is 02:12:40 Here is how he should be fucked. Every morning, he should have to use a banana-centered lotion, head to toe, then he needs to shove a banana up his ass. Then we need to find the biggest King Kongies gorilla. Pumped that silver back full of red bull and Viagra. Leave the two of them in a small, windalous, fucked dungeon. Day two, repeat. Day three, dot, dot, dot. Yeah, I'm for it. Nice idea, Dean. Filmmet. Sell it for five bucks. You know, on the web, give all the proceeds to Elizabeth and her kids. And now one last message, one last,

Starting point is 02:13:10 a heartfelt message from Super Sucker Chad Woods. Chad writes, Dear Master Sucker, I'm not going to begin this with a joke. Things are about to become super serious, super fast. And I just don't have a joke in my mind at the moment. As I sit here writing this letter to you, I'm listening to suck number one, 33, McAill the Werewolf Popcoff. I will listen to the sucks and stay one. Your comedy has always had a special place for me. When I was younger, I listened to it a lot with my dad. Then when I moved from my home state of Arizona to North Carolina, my dad and I would call

Starting point is 02:13:39 each other to tell the other to listen to your stand up of either of us to stumble across it somewhere or just have the idea. My parents split up when I was very young. It's been over 20 years now, and for many years I barely saw my dad. On one of the few times I got to spend time with my dad, we stumbled across your comedy and comedy center presents and promptly laughed our asses off until we couldn't breathe.

Starting point is 02:13:57 I was fresh out of high school this time, getting ready to start my first real job. The following year, your first album of Avengers Near came out and my dad bought two copies, one for me, one for him. This continued until the album here, this came out. My dad bought two, sent one to me while I was in North Carolina and we listened it together on the phone with each other. It was the last time we ever really got to speak to each other. My dad had cancer. He'd had it for several years by 2012 and I was constantly scared he was going to die and I hadn't gotten to see him in over a year.

Starting point is 02:14:26 Barely a week after we listened to hear this together, my dad died. I'm not gonna lie here, Suck Master. I stopped listening to your comedy for years. It always brought up memories of my dad, and I couldn't stand it for a long time. I ended up moving back home to Arizona the year after he died,

Starting point is 02:14:39 and his girlfriend gave me his copies of your CDs, and I still had them safely stored away where nothing will happen to them. And then in September 2016, I happened to stumble across time suck and listen to the first episode, been a fan ever since. My dad was a man of many talents.

Starting point is 02:14:53 He was a mechanic, a carpenter, a truly amazing gardener. He could fix or build so many different things that I couldn't even list here if I tried. He was a great dad, always made sure I had what I needed. He never just gave me something unless it was my birthday or Christmas if I told him I wanted something to random, he gave me jobs so I could earn it. I remember that when I was in high school, I got hurt and without me ever giving the school his phone number, he showed up and made sure I was okay.

Starting point is 02:15:16 He was a man that always made sure that I never stopped learning. He always made sure I learned something new, even if he just looked up a new word of the dictionary and told me the definition. After I found time suck, I binge your comedy again, and I've listened to almost all of the podcasts. I've never been able to become a space as there's money always seems to be too tight, but I've sent many of my friends' links to time suck and converted many to the cult to the curious.

Starting point is 02:15:37 I always tell people about time suck and try to get as many people as possible to listen. Everything I can do to support the suck, I do it. I wanna see this community thrive and move forward. I wanna see what else you can come up with and do with the cult of the curious. Now I should probably get to the point of my message, how you really did save my life. Back in January this year, I lost my job.

Starting point is 02:15:54 It was a really good job and I was doing well. Finally, I was going to become a spacer until I was fired. I don't blame the company, I deserve to be fired. I wasn't living up to their expectations. Ever since, I've done everything I can to stay afloat, but I've lost another job, and then when I currently have, doesn't pay enough. My family has helped out where they could, but I can't keep relying on them. Besides, it's not fair to them for me to keep bumming.

Starting point is 02:16:16 Since January, I've fallen farther and farther into deep depression. It's something I've always struggled with, but I've always had a decent grasp on and never needed to seek help for. Now, I've been spiraling farther and farther downhill and suicide has honestly started creeping closer and closer to my thoughts. I call it the mind fog. The depression just fogs everything up, it slows me down and ruins everything. I'm so worried about my bills that I often sleep only three or four hours a night.

Starting point is 02:16:40 One day when things ripped my worst and I was thinking about suicide, I could practically hear my dad's voice telling me to listen to you. It wasn't a ghost or a spirit or anything like that. It was a memory that just popped into my head of him wanting to listen here with me. Since that moment, every single time I get a thought even close to suicide in my mind, I immediately pull up time so I can start listing. Or if I can't for whatever reason, I start thinking about whatever episode I most recently listened to.

Starting point is 02:17:02 At night, when I have trouble sleeping, I turn on old episodes of Time Suck. Sometimes they help calm me down and low me to sleep. Sometimes they barely keep things at bay. But it always helps, even if it only helps, enough to keep me from doing something stupid that will hurt my family. I just wanted to write you this to express how much you mean to me and how much your comedy helps me and others.

Starting point is 02:17:20 I wanted you to know that even though my dad isn't with us anymore, he still makes sure I keep listening to you because I keep him in my thoughts. And I always remember the times we listen to your comedy together. You've saved not only my life, but I'm sure you've saved the lives of others out there. Your prime example of what meets tax or capable of and you be, and you are true inspiration.

Starting point is 02:17:36 If more people were like you, the world would be a better place. Maybe slightly more irrationally angry at times. Oh, for sure. But ultimately a better one. That's nice. This letter has gone on more than long enough, but I just wanted to take the time to tell you everything that was on my mind. I wanted to get out of my chest, tell you to keep doing the amazing work. You've done so much for so many people you deserve to know. You've touched far more lives and you realize you do amazing

Starting point is 02:17:55 things every day. I love you. I love time suck. I love the colds of the curious. Keep on sucking. Chad Woods, PS at least you don't need a pronunciation guide for my name. Thank you Chad. I do really appreciate how you had the decency to have a nice easy name for people to say. A lot of assholes can't seem to get that right. I'm amazed how many people have the fucking nerve to have weird French names that aren't fun to say yet they continue to cling to them, just without logic.

Starting point is 02:18:21 Your dad nailed it with your name. And I'm sorry he's gone. And I'm sorry you've also had a hell of a tough time. If the fog gets too thick, do not hesitate to call. 1-800-273-8255. This goes out to everybody. As a suicide hotline, 1-800-273-8255. And you know what's weird about that number?

Starting point is 02:18:39 If you spell out the letters from the numbers, it spells just do it, which I think is pretty fucked up. And not true. I just had a lot of things up for a second. It was so heavy. But just remember, just like we don't know how much worse things can get in the days ahead, we also don't know how much better things can get.

Starting point is 02:18:56 My life's had a lot of ups and downs. I never, I never thought I would have this little thing I have now. Not really that at various moments of my life, I didn't really expect it at all. Not even close During the downs, you know, I definitely worried a lot of moments that things just keep getting worse And then as time went on, you know more often than not things would get better none of us can control the future But in spite of all the dark tails we tell here. I do believe that in general

Starting point is 02:19:18 Life usually gets better for those who don't give up trying to make it better I hope you get the break you need soon. And I just hope that you enjoy these moments as much as you can, because even in the dark periods, you can still take a moment here and there and realize that like there's nothing you can do in this next hour to fix things. So just enjoy the sunshine of a nice day,

Starting point is 02:19:41 enjoy a fun conversation with a friend. Now this sounds really weird, but walk through a cemetery and be like a fun conversation with a friend. And now this sounds really weird, but walk through a cemetery and be like, I'm fucking not here, I'm alive. I think about that sometimes, maybe that's weird, but I think about, I woke up today. Like I'm fucking alive. Like that, that's pretty amazing,

Starting point is 02:19:58 you know, that we get to experience any of this. So yeah, I hope years from now you get to look back at this period of your life, laugh and thank yourself for not bouncing out just before the greatest days of your life. Stay with us, hail fucking Nimrod. You seem like a good meat sack and we can never have enough of those on this

Starting point is 02:20:14 for sure not flat earth that is circled by a moon. We have for sure fucking landed on. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. Have a great week, time suckers. Try not to overthrow any government this week, but if you do, best of luck to you. Hope you have your own George Washington type to lead you on, and then Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We gotta hope people bought that.

Starting point is 02:20:59 Only to realize.

Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 147 - Revolutionary War

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.