Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 162 - The Greek Gods!

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

The Greek Gods! Didn't expect this to be the craziest suck we've ever done going in, but maybe it was. The Greek Gods were unbelievably insane. These very human-like gods were flawed and complicated. They hurt those who they no longer favored. They actively helped those who they did favor, or those who could be useful when it came to their own godly and often diabolical schemes. They tricked and manipulated humans to serve their often selfish agendas. They fought with each other. Imprisoned each other. They came to power by overthrowing other gods. And we Suck them today! Check out Lynze and I's new horror podcast Scared to Death. Listen on Spotify, Stitcher, iTunes, Youtube, and more! Donating $3200 this month to the nonprofit - Holding Out Help. https://holdingouthelp.org/ Holding Out HELP provides those who come from a polygamous culture the resources needed to transition from isolation to independence! Thank you, Space Lizards! Happy Murder Tour Standup dates: (full calendar at http://dancummins.tv) October 24-26 Portland OR Helium Comedy Club CLICK HERE for tix! November 1-2 Columbus, OH Funny Bone Comedy Club CLICK HERE for tix! November 7-9 Denver, CO Comedy Works (downtown) CLICK HERE for tix! November 10 - Denver, CO LIVE TIMESUCK CLICK HERE for tix! November 21-23 Grand Rapids, MI Dr. Grins (at the B.O.B) CLICK HERE for tix! November 23 Grand Rapids, MI LIVE TIMESUCK CLICK HERE for tix! Listen to the best of my standup on Spotify! (for free!) https://spoti.fi/2Dyy41d Quip! Go to GETQUIP.com/timesuck to get your first refill FREE! MVMT! Get 15% off today w FREE shipping & returns Go to MVMT.com/TIMESUCK Watch the Suck on Youtube: https://youtu.be/ezItiARqyWU Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna become a Space Lizard? We're over 5000 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits.

The Greek gods of Zeus, Apollo, Aries, Athena, Poseidon, Dionysius, and many more with the deities who lived atop Mount Olympus, who aided the Greeks who worshiped them below. These very human like gods were flawed and complicated. They hurt those. They no longer favored. They actively helped those who they did favor or those who could be useful when it came to their own godly and often diabolical schemes. They tricked and manipulated humans to serve their own selfish agendas. They fought with each other, imprisoned to each other. They gave him to power by overthrowing other gods. To tackle all of Greek mythology would require a lot more time than we have today.

But we manage to squeeze a lot of their crazy stories in, given overview of who the gods were, and talk about who recorded their stories so we know of them today. On today's weird dragons, monsters, gods monsters gods heroes and strange epic mythological adventures edition of time suck. This is Michael McDonald and you're listening to time suck. You listening to time suck. Happy Monday, mead, Sacks. Dan Cummins, the master sucker, the mother sucker, the suck master and you were listening to Time Suck. Welcome to the cult of curious.

Where can wait? You can wait. Recording the suck dungeon again today with Reverend Dr. Joe Pays with the high priest as Harmony Valley Camp, Scripkeeper, Zach Flannery, Queen of the Suck Lindsey Cummins. Big thanks again to our Patreon supporters, given $3,200 on behalf of our space lizards, this month to hold now help. Hold now help.org provides those who come

from a polygamist culture, the resources needed to transition from isolation to independence. Link in the episode description if you'd like to learn more or donate more,outhelp.org. Thank you again for the recent ratings and reviews for time suck and also for scared to death. Every rating review helps us so much. If you really want to spread scared to death, follow either me or Lindsey or you know the

podcast itself on Instagram. You can follow you know at scared to death podcast on Instagram and tag friends with your new favorite STD by commenting with their Instagram handle in the comment section of the sweet, scared little preview videos, the Reverend Dr. Joe makes every week. Just tag them. You can do the same thing with the time suck videos,

you know, making those little videos. So you can tag them to spread the suck or spread the STD is, you know, part of why we make those. So thank you if you do that already. Hope the stand-up special recording went well in Detroit this past week and had to record this podcast in advance. Also hope I had a blast at the 10,000 last comedy festival Minneapolis as well. I think both those shows, you know, Minneapolis and Detroit are all the shows that get

ended up selling out. So very, very fun. Off to helium comedy club in Portland this week, October 24 through 26. Those take us are selling fast. I think some of those shows may be sold out now as well. Gonna be Columbus, Ohio, Funnybone next week, November 1st and 2nd. Comedy works in Denver, 7th to the 9th. Those, Columbus and Denver also selling fast and then a live time suck in Denver on the 10th. And now let's talk about a new program we're launching here on TimeStick for Business Owners real quick. This was inspired by the amazing support

our community has already for one another. Support so strong, it's really inspiring. It's awesome to think about. We're calling this new program Order of the Suck and it's like the acronym Suck, Society of the Understanding of Critical Knowledge. I think Society for the understanding of critical knowledge. I'm correct as I say it, that makes a lot more sense to me.

X-QO-Uberibus. I'm trying to make it fancy. And Latin nerds, we do know that Uberibus can also mean breast. So it could translate to order of the breast. Not bad. Hey, Lucifina. But here's what it's about. Similar to what we did for the street team with the stickers,

we're inviting time suckers to head to the time sucks Shopify store October 28th. Sign up to see one of our free time suck free mason type stickers. These stickers are only going to go to time suckers who own a business, who work at a business that would be cool with placing one of these marking stickers outside the business like, you know, above the front door on a front window. Some are visible anywhere visible. And then each business who signs up a front window, somewhere visible, anywhere visible. And then each business who signs up, they'll get their sticker.

There's only 75 this first round. Once you receive it, please stick it email where you stuck it to Harmony at TimeSuckPodcast.com. In this email, be sure to include the name of your business and location. And that way, we can make a running list of all these businesses. And then fellow time suckers can visit order of the suck establishments to support those who support the suck, right? Support each other. How sweet is that?

Hail Nimrod. Again order the suck sign up officially launched Monday October 28th, new specific time in the time suck shop, if you're a business owner, there's work somewhere that supports time suck. Make a gosh dang oh my heck reminder. So you can register for your order of the suck marking sticker. Excited to see where this goes. Hail Memrod. Got some silly teas also hitting the store today and then we're off. We're off here in a second. We have

too many silly phrases now. Oh my heck. Wackadoodle. Do you even call pro? Why this big deal? Well, we got four different phrase shirts to choose from, very different designs, Bella Brand, 100% cotton tees, also made a lot of 500% Greek God Muscrat Labria, right for that Greek God comfort. All Muscrats, you know, all Muscrat Labia take it only from Mount Olympus to get the finest

and the strongest. A link to the store on the Timesocap in the episode description. And now it is Greek God time. Right, get ready for a lot lot of info, lots of suck on today. Greek mythology, it's a mouthful. Hard to fit it all in. I feel like I might choke at times. For sure gagged a few times. That's only words by kept on sucking. And there's a lot of fun ear candy coming your way. Jason and the Argonauts, Heracles and his 12 tasks, Perseus and Medusa so much more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get to it.

Perseus and Medusa so much more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get to it. So many fantastic stories and creatures and major minor gods to go over today. So many words that get me hard, hard for me to say. If I do fail in pronunciation front, I just want you to know it's not for lack of effort. I mean, you can download the show notes from the time so gap if you want to see an insane amount of pronunciation notes. And I practiced them. I promise. Now, the ancient Greeks didn't play any epic dungeons and dragons campaigns, but holy shit, they're at God's embody that glorious game. The Greek gods were very present in the stories of the

lives of the ancient Greeks. And ways you don't really hear about in major religions today. The gods would seduce even impregnate humans. They'd rape them. On occasion, the gods actively fought in battles, waged by the humans below how intimidating would that be to fight a god in battle? I mean, you could train all you want with a sword and shield, but I don't think you're gonna stand a chance

to get some with divine blood run through their veins. Unless you're fighting the god of always losing. You've got to pick a god to fight. That's the one you want to go for. They've got to cry, babies. Might have a chance against that God. They've got to weak noodle arms and quickly tired shoulders who have a hard time holding the sword for the length of time. That's a good God to fight.

They've got a very low blood sugar, solid God to fight. That God who needs to sit down and constantly keep from passing out all the time. Good God to battle. The Greek God's not so good for the most part. You know, keep from passing out all the time. Good God to battle, but the Greek gods, that's what good for the most part. How the Greeks worship their gods varied from town to town, from city to city state. There's no Greek god equivalent to a Christian

or Hebrew Bible or Islamic Quran. No real equivalent to the Hindu Vedas, you know, the books of Hindu knowledge that grew over hundreds of years. No equivalent to the various texts of you know Buddhism Luckily a few ancient authors did put together some stories that you know catalog which gods existed what their what their tales were But those stories never spawned a religion similar to the major religions of today It was a religion

Is still a religion which I'll mention later But if you think there's a lot of different ways to interpret the Bible and there is so many different Christian denominations out there There was actually far more variants than how the Greek gods were worshiped from town to town temple to temple person to person The ancient Greek equivalent of churches, you know were the temples temples devoted to one specific god or goddess A city could have and often did have many different temples dedicated to many different gods Each city state also usually had one God who was like a patron god to God. It got him more important to that city state than other gods. God believed to have founded that city state in many cases. You know, the God favored the city like, you know, Corinth

chose Poseidon. Lord of the sea is their patron. And Athens chose, you know, Athena. If you wanted to gain favor from a God or goddess, you would go to their temple, make sacrifices, oftentimes sacrifice in a living creature, and the original, how to make that sacrifice, generally carried out by a priest or priestess dedicated to that specific temple, or you made a sacrifice at home, at a little altar there, a little mini temple, if you will. If you didn't have that, you just made the sacrifice

wherever you could and you prayed and hoped for the best. Again, a lot of variants, Greek was a very land. Greece includes around 6,000 different islands. And a little, you know, islets scattered in the Aegean and Ionian seas, 227 of them being inhabited today. A lot of different Greeks, excuse me, subcultures, you know, developed in this segmented geography. This ancient religion is actually having a small revival in Greece today.

I mentioned that real quick, about 2000. Not a lot, but about 2000 people are practicing what's called Hellendism, which is worship of these ancient Greek gods. It was officially recognized by the Greek government as the living religion just a few years ago back in 2017. And like I imagine, many ancient Greeks felt it seems that modern believers don't actually believe in a bunch of gods necessarily hanging out up there and mount Olympus and Corleon and fighting. They believe that the gods symbolize various aspects of human nature.

And they pay tributes to these gods to really kind of reconnect with their own nature and with the nature of the world around them. Also connecting with past traditions, connects them to various aspects of themselves that the gods represent. It's all very symbolic. Now, let's talk about the man responsible for creating much of our modern fascinations,

excuse me, with the Greek gods. You know, if it wasn't for this guy and a few other guys, there probably would be no revival now because there wouldn't be enough information to go on talking about Homer, a name that used to not be associated so strongly with American cartoon that now my mind automatically adds Simpson to it. I actually hear, don't, when I hear the word Homer now, but we're not talking about Homer Simpson. Talk about Homer the Greek. We either wrote or is credited with having written, you know, the epic stories, the Iliad, the Odyssey. Some think he wrote these stories. Others think these stories were already being told orally long before Homer.

And he just put down the page, Tails, ancient people have been telling for a long time. Telling with that good old game of multi-generational telephone, the pre-written history past time, where many of our myths and folklore and monsters and even many of our religions of today were born. Who Homer was is a mystery. Some think he was a birthday clown, pretty good at Juggling, but bad at riding a unicycle

and worse than making balloon animals. They say, centaurs look like snakes. There's griffins look like snakes and basically everything looks like snakes. And by some people, I do, of course, only mean me thinking that. Serious historians not addicted to making up weird lies for their own petty amusement. Think he was born sometime between the 12th and 8th centuries BCE, possibly somewhere on the coast of Asia Minor. So really, we don't know shit about this guy.

We don't even know if he's one guy. You know, the works attributed by someone known as Homer may have actually been written by a group, you know, collected, then just assigned the name Homer. Whoever the son of a bitch was, he wrote two epic poems. Again, the Iliad and the Odyssey and these poems have survived for almost three millennia, and they provide important insights into the early dreams and daily lives of these early Europeans. They also showed many ways how timeless the human struggle and the human condition is.

The old same as it ever was. We are in many ways the same as who we were back then. Homer's poems would go on to inspire many future Greeks, such as Alexander the Great, that legendary Macedonian, military, military conqueror born centuries later. Without Homer's stories to inspire Alexander, he may not have tried to conquer the entire damn world. At least the known world to him, Greeks like Alexander believed that the only life-forth living, the only way to achieve immortality was to be bold, carve out a legend for yourself, be timeless and heroic like the gods of Homer's poems.

Now, please, the gods with your bravery in a life spectacularly led, and you could live forever in the Elysian fields, the Isles of the Blessed. The ancient Greeks pined the concept to heaven, most similar to Christian heaven, actually. Other pagan groups at the time did not believe in life after death in the sense of one's ego continuing on in a world beyond this one Now the gods of Norse mythology their Valhalla afterlife which we covered back in sucks 77 similar in many ways to Greek mythology But they wouldn't show up, you know for centuries The Olympian gods mere Greek culture helps shape it the Greeks were Coralsum

They enjoyed warring banqueting fornicating reverating, revered strengths, sexy beachbots, intelligence. Their gods enjoyed all of this as well. Their godly guys and gals were very human. Now way more than most modern gods, and they watched it interact with humanity. Sometimes they even come down from Antelopeus, banging human or two, kill a fool, help somebody out.

They were super hot. Little different than today's gods. No one outside of the mentally ill or praying that Jesus might come down and sex him up, thinking there's a real chance that happening based on some kind of historical precedence. But that is what the Greeks would think. The Greek gods, as you'll soon find out, they fuck people all the time. They're pretty horny gods. Mortal heroes also showed up in the tales of the gods. These heroes, some of them descended from the gods themselves, some of them half gods, also important to the Greek myths. A killeys was a half god hero.

You know, he did not live in Olympus. He was very much born on earth, lived on earth, but his, you know, his father was a king, his mother was a senior for minor god. He was a bad mother, fuck man, Brad Pitt did such a good job playing a killeys in that movie Troy. I don't know if you've seen that, but I was getting pumped up thinking about that movie this week I will love Brad Pitt forever based on that role alone No matter what he does from here on out like he could he could go to jail tomorrow for trying to kick field goals with You know human babies instead of footballs and I think that was super fucked up But I was still thinking it was a badass. I'm like, yeah, no, I shouldn't kick those babies. Obviously not but I

Mean did you see that scene in Troy where he fought Hector, you know, Eric Banna? Come on, that showdown was epic. I said, I get pumped up every time I think about it. It's like the 300. No, it's like, anyways, heroes tended to be adventures and warriors, characterizes bold, experience, intelligence and fierce, the perfect Greek warrior and leader.

You know, you know, it's like, and I think of that movie the 300, of course, you know, it's like, uh, and I think that movie is 300 well, of course, you know, the Spartans. And that's the kind of life they wanted to lead, just bold fierce. Uh, most of the tales of the Greek gods are tragedies. Their lives reflect the, the often tragic lives of the ancient Greeks. You know, they live in a time near constant warfare between all these various city states,

other cultures, uh, rampant, communicable diseases, constant treachery, as various noble families clamored and killed to increase their riches and social standings and try to carve out their own legends. It was a very bloody time. Like the lives of the Greeks, the epics of the Greek gods are filled with self-ruin, suffering and justice, as well as numerous character flaws like extreme pride, rationalist and cruelty. Stories of the Greek gods are meant to be models of human excellence that Greek kids and adults alike could look to and try and emulate, also finding solace and acceptance of their

own flaws and shortcomings, understanding that even the gods made mistakes. I got to say the idea of ancient Greek excellence seemed to be, uh, win in any cost. Take what you want by any means necessary. Those Greek heroes in gods as you're going to find out were ruthless motherfuckers. We've already met Homer, but before we delve into the most epic tales, let's meet some of the other important Greek authors, the men who breathed life into the myths of the gods, and the heroes of Ancient Greece in today's time suck timeline. Shrap on those boots, soldier. We're marching down a time suck timeline.

Like I mentioned earlier, most of the ancient Greeks utilized the oral tradition to pass stories down from one generation to the next, nearly all of the tales we know as Greek myth come from ancient poets and playwrights who finally wrote down these long told tales. Because of the initial telephone game, there are also different versions of all of these stories you'll hear today. So you're like, I don't know about that detail. Well, I mean, you might be thinking of a different version. There's a lot of different versions of these tales.

Some old tales and God descriptions vary only slightly, some tremendously. Some of the gods and stories are brought over and adapted from completely other, you know, different cultures and other religions. They read gods and their tales would later morph themselves into the gods of Rome. Because the gods were born via this oral storytelling tradition, their mythology, all being, you know, super epic is also, you know, pretty incomplete in all likelihood. These timeline authors probably left a few gods out of their tales. Some were lost to history. I'm sure there were some gods who didn't make it to the page. Like, you know, Nimrod, Lucifina, Bojangles, Triple M. More on those for sure, ancient gods

coming up later. I'll fill in the gaps. Let's start with a Trojan war. We'll pick up this timeline. The war believed to have occurred in some form between 1200 and 1000 BC that Homer so famously wrote about. Depictions of this war is where the majority of Greek mythology kind of, you know, starts off. Or at least this is where the, you know, this is where the guy led just, they really get

cooking on the page. The Trojan War is a setting for Homer's Iliad, the Odyssey, which is the Iliad's sequel of sorts, taking place directly after the Trojan War. Story of the Trojan War is the most famous by far of all Greek mythology and folklore to mix a mythology and historical fact. How much fact is mixed in will never likely know. I'm guessing not a lot. According to Homer and other classical sources,

the war began after the abduction or elotement of Queen Helen of Spata. Spata by the Trojan Prince Paris, the woman of legendary beauty. Helen's jilted husband. Oh boy. Menelaus, there we go. It's just got to pause on that one for a second, because I want to say, meany alous. And that's not even close to right.

Menelaus convinced this is his brother, Agamemnon, king of Mycini. He convinced him to lead an expedition to retriever. Agamemnon is joined by the Greek heroes heroes brad mother fucking pit i mean a kill ease odysseis nester and a jackson accompanied by a fleet of more than a thousand ships from throughout the hellenic world they cross the aegean c to aja minor to lay siege to troy and demand helens

return by prion the trojan king the epic siege punctuated by battles and scrimishes, including the storied deaths of the Trojan prince Hector and the nearly invincible Achilles lasted more than 10 years until the morning the Greek armies retreated from their camp, leaving a large wooden horse outside the gates of Troy. After thinking things over the Trojans, pulled the mysterious gift into their city like a bunch of idiots.

Hey, good news, you guys. Those guys have been fighting for 10 years of left And their place is a giant wood horse. I love a wood horse. Yay. Do you think those bad boys have anything to do with this horse? No way Jose Since we did enemies give cool from horsey's Especially once we could sit a tub of insane things like giddy up or high old giant horsey away I bet some nice horsey people came as soon as the babbo is left and gave us a big horsey because they felt bad for the fighting That sounds good to me let us bring it inside nothing fishy could be going on and The night falls, you know the horse is opened up in a bunch of Greek warriors led by Odysseus climb out and

Fuck Troy up from within And then those are those idiots were feeling pretty, you know, pretty stupid. Oh, man, it's the worst horse It gets ever What a naughty horsey false so many bad boys Stabbing and hurting me. Oh my heck After the Trojan defeat the Greek heroes slowly made their way home Odysseus took 10 years to make the arduous and often interrupted journey home to Ithaca, recounted in the Odyssey.

Helen, whose two successive Trojan husbands were killed during the war, returned to spotted rain with, uh, uh, pause again. Menelaus, and after his death, some sources say she was ex-silent to the island of Rhodes, where a vengeful war widow had her hanged. Yeah, bummer. Most people don't meet good ends in these stories. Even if they survive the initial fight and they usually die tragically later. What bummer that Brad Pitt had to die is stupid to kill his heel.

His one weakness. A story always annoyed me. Dude takes an arrow to the heel, which he was able to be shot there because his mom didn't fucking think that through. Mother! Why did you do this to me? He was able to be shot there because his mom didn't fucking think that through mother Why did you do this to me? His thoughtless goddess mother helping by his heel and dipped him into the river sticks as a baby to make him immortal The magical water and the river sticks when she'll just body from any and all attacks, but she forgot to get his heel wet come on lady You never go fucking skimpy with the magic water goddess should know that don't be afraid to toss him in

Double dip in for fuck's sake. Let him swim around a bit. Let him pin it. Let him come back out. Can't have ball back in. Dread gods. So much power. So many mistakes.

Now back to history. As I said before, many historians place home were being born around 850 BCE. They have him riding within 200 years of this supposed actual Trojan war. The elite in the Odyssey, then later translated into Latin between the third and fourth centuries BCE.

Also, they were the first stories ever to be published in the Greek vernacular. Actually, they're considered the first still existing tales to be published in the history of all Western literature. The Samarian epic of Gilgamesh is the oldest written story of any kind that we know of for a little bonus trivia. But did this battle really happen? Many modern scholars historians archaeologists have utilized both books as references for tracing the possibly real lost civilization of Troy.

The ancient city of Troy in some form does seem to have actually existed, located in the northwest coast of Turkey at a site known presently as Hissolik. Yeah, Hissolik. Archaeological research shows this area has been inhabited for almost 4,000 years. And many of battle has been fought within its walls. Based on what archaeologists have uncovered, Troy was sacked over 10 separate times, raised to the ground essentially each time. After each sacking, a new city would be built upon the ruins of the previous one, over

and over for centuries. Perhaps one of those cities is the city that was sacked in Homer's legend. Another and very, very important contributor to Greek mythology was Hesiod. Hesiod was one of the earliest Greek poets. He lived a century or two after Homer, sometime around 700 BCE. In Poverst and his youth, he moved to Biosia, became a farmer. One of his books, The Marvelous Works and Days, gives an astonishing view of what agricultural life was like in ancient times. So yay, writers, right? History's documentarians think about amazing stories we have. All because

some asshole, you know, a long time ago, took the time to write that shit down. It's pretty amazing. He's seen one of the important poetry contests and quickly became a celebrated poet. What if you wore a beret dressed all in black? I had like a tight fitting long-sleeved cotton turtle neck. You know, at the cot, maybe he snapped his fingers a lot when he's doing his poetry. I wonder if while he was preparing his poem, he worked at like a record shop or maybe an independent bookstore. Spent a lot of time when he wasn't working at a locally owned fair trade coffee shop, complaining about the evils of capitalism, maybe talking about how Castro actually had a lot of good ideas.

I feel like I'm thinking of a different era of poetry. The Greeks held all sorts of poetry contests. They were way into it. It was a big part of the artistic culture of ancient Greece. Most of the writers in this timeline were poetry contest winners, talent shows, man. They've been around since way before last comic standing, the voice American Idol or America's Most of the writers in this timeline were poetry contest winners talent shows man They've been around since way before last comic standing the voice American Idol or America's Got Talent He said would also write the

Full list and most important source of myths about the origin of the gods the thiogony a poem describing the origins and genealogies of the Greek gods It's kind of like an ancient Greek god encyclopedia or maybe even a better description.'s like a, it's like the equivalent of a monster manual for you AD&D nerds one day, one day I'll have a time to play that beautiful game again. I'm gonna force my kids to play with me. Poor Hesseyid. He did so much for the Greek gods, but in the end, the gods didn't seem to do much for him. Again, more tragedy.

The Greek and Roman historian Plutarch, born in the first century CE, wrote that Hesseat's death was a violent one. The brothers of a woman he was claimed to have seduced, brutally murdered him, beat him to death. Not even the gods can protect you when you stick your dick in a hornet's nest. Another famous contributor to the fanciful history

of Greece is Esau, and his fables. Like a lot of these old Greeks, very little is known about Esau. If we're going to make assumptions based on modern Greek stereotypes, he's probably pretty loud. Yeld a lot with his family, with super hairy, especially on his back and shoulders. He can make a mean euro, knew how to stuff some grape leaves with some tasty meats and spices, and can do a pretty cool shit with goat cheese. Esau was not to have been born a slave around the six century BCE. Somehow one is freedom.

And after writing a number of stories, none of which have survived to this day, he sought to have been executed. Okay. There you go again, all these guys. Uh, for some trumped up charges when he ran his mouth too freely against the people running the city of Delphi, the spiritual center of the ancient Greek world, they literally threw him off a cliff as punishment. Man, ancient Greeks, not afraid to use extreme violence

and fans of drama and fans of tragedies. Toasting somebody off a cliff, that's a very tragic dramatic form of execution. Really, really making a statement with that, right? You put in a lot of extra work to make that statement. You could just kill them in a public square, or could it be headed him, hanged him, poisoned him? No, now we gotta make a big show out of it,

gotta march into the top of some hill and fucking throw him off the cliff. I wonder what your last thought is. I've always wondered that. Like for people like you fall off top of a very tall building or like a cliff. Do you have some crazy last thought? Maybe I can just push my arm out of flex, or I can't close my, splat. You know, it's like one kind of last self preservation thought. I hope I never know. A couple hundred years later, the famous Greek philosophers, Plato and Socrates gathered stories accredited to Esau and wrote them into books

that have survived until the present. He considered the master of the Greek fable. I'm sure most of you are familiar with versions of his stories today. You know, is the hair in the tortoise, the wolf and sheep's clothing, the shepherd boy, also knows the boy who cried wolf, the goose with the golden eggs,

all those originate back in ancient Greece. Some historians think that Esat may have not been a real person, you know, God damn it. So hard to tell where the truth blends with myth in these old tales. What is real? His biography is infused with Greek mythology. He was supposedly given his gift of storytelling from the goddess Isis, mother of the earth, Isis an interesting goddess, and that she originated in Egypt Egypt and then many of the Greeks began to adopt her There was a fair amount of that fair amount of cross-pollination with local cultures where they kind of borrowed gods

Give them you know gave them different names Another one of the ancient Greece's or one of ancient Greece's most prolific playwriters a dude who wrote a lot of God tales was a man named Eskolas Born in 525 BCE Eskolas was a prolific playwright who was considered the father of the Greek tragedy or just the father of tragedy in general. He wrote around 90 plays, only seven of survived.

His most noted work is Prometheus Bound. I've heard of it. I know a few things here and there, I don't know what it's about, but I've heard of the title. The story of the Titan, Prometheus being punished by Zeus for giving humanity the gift of fire. All kinds of gods star in this tale. Eskolas is also said to be the innovator

of adding a second actor in a scene. Apparently before him, a live drama's only had one figure appearing on stage at a time, which must have made fully-newed sex scenes, especially awkward. Eskolas was the son of a nobleman. Seemed to have lived a good life,

thought to have been very, very real, no esop, no homer. He was a real dude who fought in the Persian Wars, and the great Greek leader, Pericles, was such a fan that he sponsored much of his work, made sure he was taken care of, so he could focus on his writing. Eskolas died in Sicily around 456 BCE at the age of 67. He had a odd death as well, not necessarily super tragic, but fucking weird.

Supposedly he died when an eagle dropped a turtle on his head, and I'm not making that up. Okay, so you know, maybe a little bit of legend added to the story of his life. I doubt that really happened. You don't hear about too many people getting killed by turtles getting dropped on them by eagles. I've never heard about a guy getting hurt that way. Although it is technically possible, the weird shit you find out when research and these things and digging a little deeper, there are these, these vultures, the Eurasian bearded vulture, aka the Lamargeyer, that do actually drop tortoises onto rocks to break their

shells so that they can eat them. So I guess it is remotely possible that they can mistake the top of your bald head for a rock and drop it on you, which I guess wouldn't be a bad way to go out. I mean, you're outside, you're enjoying nature, then worst case, you look up and just for a split second, you think, I fucking turtle, this is, or just a bird is so turtle and then ow, and then dead. Next on a list of authors who added to the tales of the Greek gods is a friend and contemporary Or did the bird just so turtle and then, ow, and then dead. Next on a list of authors who added to the tales of the Greek gods as a friend of contemporary of Escalus named Pinder. Pinder, father of Tinder.

No, he's not gonna do a Tinder. Pinder was a lyrical poet born around 518 BC, you know, the city of Thebes. Some of a distinguished family, he moved Athens while still young and befriended Escalus. Pinder's work was varied and spectacular and it brought him immediate fame. A wealthy family commissioned him to write an ode to their son when he was just 20 years old. Pinders died around 438 BCE in August or August. He lived until the ripe old age of around 80 and then died peacefully. Oh, that's going to be a rare occurrence in today's tale.

Pinders' poem was featured with the gods, Greek heroes, regular old humans interacting in a variety of adventures. And because he was Greek and the Greeks love their legend is death added to Greek god mythology. The legend is that 10 days before he died, the goddess Persephone daughter of Zeus goddess of the underworld, springtime flowers and vegetation appeared before him and asked why he hadn't written any poems about her. And he told her to go fuck herself He said, he didn't write any poems for silly and secure bitches, right? And then he kicked her in the ass and he knocked out the front door. And he's like, that's that.

And then he just walked over and he high fives, you know, Apollo and they all laughed about it for a long time. No, Persephone said that, you know, she would come to him or no, come to him soon. Or no, I'm sorry, Persephone said that he would come to her soon. There we go, and compose a poem for her. And then he died a few days later, and then one of Pinders female relatives claims that he dictated some verses to her in honor of Persephone

after he had been dead for several days. So dude, really like to write poetry. Dead, totally dead for several days. And then, yeah, gotta get back up. I got some fucking poems, right? Next up, another builder of Greek legend of myth, the great Sophocles. I heard of him.

Sophocles was born near Athens around 496 BCE. He was a member of a rather wealthy family. He won his first prize when he was 28. Even with, or even with Escalis as one of his competitors, some of these guys contemporaries. Sophocles was a priest and his devotion to his religion reflected deeply in his works. He did not question or criticize the ways of the gods. He merely presented the situation so the audience could observe human nature. He said to have written over 120 plays, only seven survived. And while Escalis is credited

with adding a second actor to play, Sophocles went a step further and introduced a third. Boom! One up to him. Died around 406 BCE, and his best known work is Etappis Rex or Etappis the King. And this tale, Etappis encounters the mythical beast. And yes, this is the Etappis of the Etappis complex. But Etappis encounters the mythical beast, these finks, a magical creature with the head and breast of a woman, the body of a lioness, and the wings of an eagle. And this is a story that introduces the sphinx, is riddle. What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three in the evening? For those, you know, I'll give you a chance to guess actually, a little quick pause. What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at

noon and three in the evening? And the answer, of course, is the trapezoid. Trapezoid starts off life as normal dogs for around four legs, then they learn to walk on two legs. So they can delight audiences with a death-to-find kind of high-wire act. And then they walk on three legs, you know, later in life, after they eventually fall off and kind of smash up one of their legs and have to have it amputated. You knew that.

You knew it. No, the answer is, man. Man crawls as a baby at the beginning of his life, then walks as an adult for the middle of his life, and then hobbles around with a swan can stick towards the end. That's what the Greeks believed. So I see it. Next on the timeline of Ancient Greek myth builders

is Euripides. Euripides was the youngest of the three fifth century BCE Greek playwrights. The greats, the other two being Sophocles and Escalus. Euripides was born around 45 BCE as parents for simple shopkeepers from the region of Salamis. And I'm glad I looked that one up because I was going to say Salamis. Oh, Tastyass Salamis. That's where Salami comes from from the Salamis region. Despite humble origins, he earned the admiration of the contemporaries, including the great

Socrates himself. He wrote award-winning tragedies, political dramas, romantic dramas. More of his plays have survived the present day than those of Escalus and Sophocles combined because his popularity was greater in his lifetime. His characters were more nuanced and complicated. He wrote of their inner motivations and desires and new ways that would influence playwrights, such as Shakespeare many centuries later And again the Greek gods featured prominently in Euripides works at the opening of the play

Hippolytus Aphrodite he got us of love explains that Hippolytus has sworn chastity and refuses to revere her Instead he honors the goddess of the hunt Artemis. This leads her to initiate a plan of vengeance on Hippolytus. Yeah, these these guys they don't handle rejection very well You know, even if you reject them for good reasons are like, oh, all right well Good luck in the next coming weeks because batch is gonna happen to you and Eventually this all leads to a hypothesis being exiled and killed by his own father with the help of Poseidon because of some Greek God treachery Two more authors will get into more details of some of these stories later

Not all of the ancient Greek playwrights and poets wrote only tragedies about people who died, usually at the hands of those who loved them. Some wrote comedies, such as Aristophanes, Aristophanes, 5th century BCE, comedic poet known as the father of comedy. He was born around 446 BCE and Athens spent much of his life, at least early life in the island of Agina. He was famous by the age of only 24 after writing his first play. He was like an ancient Greek Ben Affleck, right? Winning that good

Will Hunt and screen play Oscar with Matt Damon. He's only 25 except he wasn't also an actor and he was never romantically linked with ancient Greek equivalent of Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Garner and he never really struggled with alcoholism or gambled professionally. So actually probably not a good comparison. Aristophanes lived through the Peloponnesian wars, which lasted from 431 BCE to 404 BCE, fought between the Greek city states of Athens and Spata. When Athens lost the golden age of ancient Greece was over. He was able to mock the crazy decisions of the gods and their heroes, something that really hadn't been done before. He wasn't just,

paying tribute to them. He teased them a little bit. Aristophanies based many of his comets on the sad irony of the petty battles between mortals and their power hungry insane leaders and gods. In his play, The Frogs performed in Athens in 405 BCE. He tells the story of Dionysius, the god of the Grey Parvist, wine-making, wine-fertility, ritual madness, religious ecstasy, and theater, who despairing of the state of Athens' tragedians travels to Hades to bring the playwright Yeripides back from the dead. Yeripides had died the year before. Dinesias brings along his

lowly slave Zantius, who is smarter and braver than the god. As the play opens Zantius and Dinesias argue over what kind of jokes Zantius can use to open the play. For the first half as the play opens Zantheus and Dinesius argue over what kind of jokes Zantheus can use to open the play. For the first half of the play, Dinesius routinely makes critical errors forcing Zantheus to improvise in order to protect his master and prevent Dinesius from looking like an idiot. This only allows Dinesius to make even more mistakes and look even dumber. Edgy shit, right? Mock and religion, Mock and Greek heroes, critical of Greek culture and his leaders.

He was like a regular Lenny Bruce. He was like a Bill Hicks who was fucking a whand of hummus, right? For you stand up fans except for more popular in life. However, the end of his life when Spata defeated Athens, the political climate changed and he had to stop making fun of political leaders if he didn't want to be horribly executed. Fucking Spartans not known for their senses of humor. Our staff and he's died around the age of 60 and 386 BCE shortly after the production of his last surviving play, Plutus, or Plutus, like Pluto's.

The Greek author for today's timeline is the poet or the next Greek author, excuse me, for today's timeline is the poet Apolognes. Another word that I'm glad there was a guide for, because I was way off on this one. I think I was calling it Apolognes. It's Apolognes. The most famous work written by Apolognes of Rhodes was his magnificent organotica,

which details the story of Jason and the quest for the Golden Flies. And what a random name. All of these names, ancient names, and like they're all very Greek sounding to me. And then they're just like this random Jason thrown in, which just doesn't sound Greek at all to me. I mean, I guess it could be, but it's like like Jason is as random to me as like, you know, Bobby or just, or Ted Jimmy, Jimmy in the quest for the Golden Flies

and in the quest for the Golden fleece. We know almost nothing about this guy. Apollonius was an Alexandrian, probably whose life span from roughly 295 to 215 BCE, maybe. He spent the majority of his latter years in the island of Rhodes. Initially, he was kind of thought to be a low-rent Homer, overly derivative of the ancient master, but then later scholars decided he was actually an important original author. The story of Jason and the Golden fleece is sort of a prequel to Homer's Iliad taking place before the Trojan War.

A hero named Jason shows up in his hometown of Ilcus. Ilcus, there we go. Some of these words are just fucking, I hate him so much. It's I-O-L-C-U-S. No thanks. Ilcus, with the game plan. Soel, Chris, with the game plan. So he shows up here with this game plan. Re game the throne stolen from his father by his uncle, Polius.

King Polius tells Jason he's happy to vacate his throne in exchange for Jason bringing him the golden fleece, which was the fleece, you know, or a shorn wool of the magical golden-walled winged ram, Christ Somatos. No big whoop, right? Just just find the wool of a winged magical golden-walled winged ram, Chrysomalos. No big whoop, right? Just just find the wall of a winged magical golden-walled ram. Did I mention this wall was guarded at all times by a ferocious dragon? The wall was kept in the faraway land of Calcus, so it was going to take a bit to knock this errand out. Jason takes off.

Assembly's most star-studded team of heroes, Greece had ever seen, to accompany him aboard his magical ship, the Argo. A ship protected by the goddess Hira, the goddess of women, marriage, family, and childbirth, sister wife of Zeus. Yes, sister wives, not the FLDS kind. Nope. A sister and a wife, incest, so much incest in history. Lot of it in today's tale.

A board, the Argo Jason is crew, the Argonauts of all kinds of sweet adventures, like battling harpies and giants, maybe even lizard people. Don't quote me on the lizard people, but I wouldn't be surprised if they did fight at least one reptilian, a new Nikki. If only they could have killed them, right? Damn, you lizards. When Jason, the Argonauts finally arrived in Colcus King E.E.T.'s, tells Jason he can have the fleece. Right after Jason jerks him off for at least 10 minutes, but not more than 15 minutes.

And he has to do it in front of the Argonauts for the deal to be real. And Jason doesn't love this proposal because he's not gay, he doesn't have a problem with it, but he's just, you know, a person not gay. And then King E.E.T.'s explains that it's not about sexuality, right? It's just, you know, it's not at all. So, it's a, you know, it's not at all. It's a public hand job. It's just a local tradition, a sign of allegiance to the king, respect for the customs of his land. He tells him it's not like they have to make eye contact or anything.

You want him to get, you know, that hard. So he doesn't see what the big deal is. So Jason accepts his travel long ways. He and his men are weary. So he takes the king's personal royal septer of sorts. He gets to work after a few minutes, he starts thinking about how it's really not that big of a deal. mean, he just you know, he wishes his men were staring at him It kind of feels like they're judging him, but it's not like he and King I eaties, you know, or even looking at each other and

He's pretending he just smoothed out of summer sausage, which is something that straight guys do a lot, you know But then after about five minutes King I eaties pretends to slip and he starts to fall down and he grabbed Jason's head for You know like like grabbing for balance and that's when he kind of slips his erect penis right in the Jason's mouth. And Jason, he doesn't care for it, but he doesn't want to let go because what is the clock reset? They didn't really go over that part. And yes, it's start over from the beginning. And then before Jason and verbally protest, King E.T. says, if you can get me to finish in less than five, you know, you know, more, more, more minutes, you can just be done. Like you don't have to, you don't have to go to the contract, contractually obligate of time. If you can get me to finish like right away. And then Jason thinks,

not, I mean, that's probably somehow a little bit less gay than just continuing to jerk him off for a game. You know, God knows how many more minutes. And Jason doesn't like it, but he goes ahead and he gives a guy a blowjob with him. King of E.D. says it would help kind of speed things up just for practical purposes. If he could also put Jason's penis in his mouth. So in front of the organotes, you know, none of that happened. God, I hope at least one new listener thought just what I said just might have been true. Just might have been true. I know that went on for way too long

but that's what makes it funny for me. I picked up at least one poor listener at first being like, get the fuck the fuck? And then it goes on for a while and it's like, no! And then it keeps going on. It's like, really? I mean, I guess there's, you know, guess it was a different time. Now, here's what really happened. King of ETs asked Jason to completely, to complete, excuse me, three nearly impossible tasks with the help of Medea, the daughter of ETs, Jason completes the task, grabs the fleece and Medea, sails back to Greece, woohoo, everybody wins, hail Nimrod. And then a few adventures later, Jason and his pals are marching into Ilkis with the

golden fleece. Yeah, yeah, got it. Hail Zeus, Hail Luciferina, I think. So that's a little sampling of the most noted authors of ancient Greek mythology and some of their most famous work. Sorry, not sorry for ruining Jason, the Argonauts for you. Or maybe, you know, if that lined up with the fantasy of yours, maybe you just made the best story you've ever heard.

You're welcome. And shout out again to Jason for having such a great name, such a fun name to pronounce. Now let's hop out of this time suck timeline and really dig in to these Greek gods. Good job, soldier. You've made it back. Barely. Now that we've gone over some of the written origins of the gods, let's really dig into their mythology after a quick word from today's first sponsor, today's time so it was brought to you by Quip. What actually makes a better toothbrush, industrial strength power, multiple modes, black magic,

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I've used my quip for, for months now, and I love it, it's very affordable. Keep sending new brush heads and batteries so I have no excuse not to have fresh clean choppy chops. And it tells me to switch to new sex in my mouth every 30 seconds, only a robot brushing my teeth, you know, and gently caressing me would make it an easier. Quip starts at just $25 and you'll get your first refill free at GetQuip.com slash time suck. This is a simple way to support this show and start brushing better, but you have to go to GetQuipQIP.com slash time suck to get your first refill free.

Easy link to this deal in today's episode description and in the sponsor section button of the time suck app. I get that quip button. Now let's get weird. We're going to meet some very strange and far from perfect gods and goddesses strange beast any cryptozoologist would die to see to understand the gods. It helps to understand where they lived. Let's hop on the back of a griffin and soar to the top of Mount Olympus. As the center of the earth, at least earth is the Greeks once knew it's towered

Mount Olympus, the predecessor to Vikings Valhalla where the gods ate Ambrosia, drank nectar and held court. Sounds awesome, but what the shit is Ambrosia? I'm assuming they're probably not talking about, you know, that awesome, you know, 70s and early 80s Yacht Rock band, who's saying smooth adult contemporary hits like how much I feel. That's how much I feel, feel for you baby, how much I need, will I need your touch? How much I live? I live for your love in that so much. That's how much you get it. You fucking get it. That's, we all know Ambrosia, right? Ambrosia in the sense of the Greek gods. Dining in the Olympus was a magical source of nourishment that bestowed longevity, even immortality upon whoever consumed it. Which Hammond cheese hot pockets did that, but I'm pretty sure they reduced her odds of achieving immortality pretty greatly. As do sadly maple bars and zingers and Reese's pieces and movie theater popcorn,

and basically everything except for wild salmon kale and osse berries. I am Roger with rot-soulinps by doves, so it must not have been super dense and heavy like meat loaf or potato salad, bummer. No one really knows what it's supposed to look like or taste like some historians think it was based on honey Supposed to be honey or some form of God form of honey Something maybe did it started actually was honey So I guess that's where you're supposed to eat to live forever, you know shit on a honey Which sounds terrible actually doesn't sound feeling or satisfying I'm pretty sure not kidding that we better off eating only hot pockets as opposed to eating only honey.

You know, honey has 17 grams of sugar and around 65 calories in every tablespoon. That's the kind of weird shit I end up finding out when I do these episodes. So if you had one cup of honey, you'd get to learn 72 grams of sugar, which is more than the American Heart Association, especially as opposed to having a week. Maybe the rules are different for the Greek God Hearts. I don't know. I'm not a Greek God heart doctor. Ham and cheese hot pockets have around 10 grams of sugar each.

So you have to eat 27 hot pockets to get that much sugar. I've been talking for a long time about hot pockets. I shouldn't because I don't think that that great. Enough about Ambrosia and nectar. Talk more about where Olympus supposedly was. Sometimes Olympus was thought of as being located at the top of the real mountain Olympus in Greece, tallest mountain in the country at just over 9,500 feet, located in the Olympus range of mountains in northern Greece, roughly 275 miles north of Athens on the border of

the Greek administrative districts of Macedonia and Thessaly, and other areas and by other Greeks, Mount Olympus was not thought of as being accessible by mortals going on a hike. You know, it was like some mountain that you couldn't see. It was lofty region up out of, you know, reach up in the heavens, almost completely, you know, unable to be traveled to by humans, unless you were a hero. It's sneak up there or eight by one of the gods somehow or some mythical creature. Little more magical Greek geography below Olympus around the earth ran a limitless river called ocean. On the northern shores of the river ocean lived the Hyperbians, a fortunate race of giants who never knew care, toil, illness, or old age.

This community was isolated from the rest of the world being unapproachable by land or sea, and enjoyed perpetual light and warmth. Nice. Need to rent me a retirement condo there. Live amongst the Hyperbians or hyperboreans, there we go, hyperboreans. To the west of this river, the Hesperia, the land of the evening star where the golden apples of Hera were guarded by the dragon laden and by the seven immortal maidens, the Hesperides. Can you imagine how good a pie would taste made out of those apples?

Dutch apple pie with maybe some brown sugar crumbles on top? Maybe a little embrosia drizzled upon it? When the dragons are guarding them, they're not gonna, you know, guard, fucking shitty apples. All rotten. Tastes like vinegar cider. All the Western lands and seas are populated

with monstrous beans like the Cyclopses, race of rural one-eyed giants. They were the cannibalistic Lestagonians who were some other kind of giant thought to be from Sicily. They were the cannibalistic, lestergonians who were some other kind of giant thought to be from Sicily. There were the sirens, sexy naked bird women who liked to play lears and harps and lure sailors to their deaths sending them crashing to the rocks. There were the Silla and the Caribdus. Silla was a six-headed monster who in the ships passed swallowed one sailor for each head. All right. While Caribdus was an enormous whirlpool

that threatened to swallow entire ship's hole. So you're trying to avoid the whirlpool and then you get, you know, you fucking head it enough. I went on those six head monster thingies. It sounds like terrible to a way to travel. The Titan Alice also resided in the West, farther West, lay those Elysian fields, the Isles of the Blessed, we spoke of earlier.

That's where certain favored mortals would go when they died. It's kind of like basically like the Greek God heaven for mortals. In the far south where the Ethiopians, a lucky, virtuous people with whom the gods frequently banked, sought that these Ethiopians may have been the Egyptians, who for a time also worshiped the Greek gods, especially Zeus. In the east where the barbarians, all the non-Greek speaking races, to whom the Greeks felt the blessings of civilization were unknown, ancient China, Korea, other Asian kingdoms,

would strongly disagree with that. But to be fair, to the ancient Greeks, they had no idea that those people existed. Beneath the flat-ish disk of the ancient Greek Earth was Tartarus, where the Titans were confined. Tartarus was a vast nebulous realm of darkness. Tartarus is similar to the Christian version of Hell or for fans of time suck mythology,

it's Nimrod's Butthole. As we learn way back in the Kurt Cobain's suck, only suffering and torment to wait to Nimrod's Butthole. Just like Tartarus, Nimrod's Butthole, you're so close to his heavily ball sack, but so far away. Between Earth and Tartarus was the underworld kingdom of Hades, land of the dead. Hades, the ruler of the dead the entrance to this realm was guarded by

Sir Sir Burris. So Burris there we go a three-headed dog probable ancestor of demigodable jangles Moranble jangles later and once the departed spirits passed on they had to be ferryed across the river sticks by Karen Fowled tempered boatman with the name of a middle-aged office manager several pronunciation guides. It spelled Sharon, but if they say it's pronounced Karen. All right, Karen. Easy, Karen. Easy on the fucking dead hell talk. The place was thought of as a cavernous and dim and joyless abode in which the dead gradually faded into nothingness, but at least it wasn't bad as Tartarus. Some guy probably sold that T-shirt and Hades.

This ain't no Elysian fields, but at least I'm not a Tartarus. So that's the basically the mythical land. And it changes again from story to story. You know, sometimes Tartarus, for example, is a god, sometimes it's a place, sometimes both. They wrote a lot of stories. Now let's find out where these gods came from

where their reign began. The Greek pantheon of immortals had eight different classes, the original generation of gods. The first class, known as the primordial gods, cronus, the old god of time, geah, the old god of the earth, just a few examples. Hail Nimrod Nimrod belongs to this class. I can feel it in my meat sack bones. Second class of gods with the nature spirits. Examples were the freshwater, you know,

neodies, various female water nymphs watched over fountains, well spring streams, brooks, other bodies of fresh water. They were the forest dryets, which were young women, forest nymphs protecting trees and shrubs and shit. They were the beast loving Greek saters, male nature spirits with the ears and tails of a horse as well as permanent exaggerated boners, not kidding. This isn't one of my nonsensical dick jokes. Greek satyrs had enormous hard dicks.

Early representations, you know, like little scopes to them show them having like horse legs, probably where the horse got come from. Later depictions show them with human legs beginning in the sixth century BCE. Most depictions show them with big old bones, big old weans. Later the goat horns would be added to their heads. They would become associated with Dionysius, the God of wine, fertility, revelry, and more of the party God. And the satyrs like to drink wine, party, get down frolic. You know, it's sexually chased after both nymphs and human women. These satyrs had main like hair, beasty old faces, snub noses, always shown naked and early

Greek mythology. They were pretty rapy, not kidding. Ladies had to really watch themselves in the forests of Greece. So all these shit, there was a lot of rapy stuff out there. These creepy critters didn't just have, you know, the big ol' horse dicks for show. If you're able to escape, they say they would just find some poor animals, take their sexual urges out on. Or they just jerk off and force. Again, not kidding. I guess there's a lot of stories about them just jerking off in the woods. Pulling it, she could

tell you, you know, what, what is big deal? I jerk like satyr. I basically just modern satyr. People not understand. And that's why I make angry at Rosalie. Rosalie moves for me to find peace. For not for being judged for being satir. There were other creatures like the marine tritons, the merman soldiers of Poseidon, God of the Sea. Third class was the spirit that affected the mind. The fourth class of Immortals consisted the God to control the forces of nature,

the fifth class with the Olympian gods, like Zeus, you know, governed over the universe, sixth class with the spirit of the constellations, which circled the heavenly night sky. The seventh class, semi-divine creatures like giant dragon, centaur, sirens, and then the final class with the heroes who are also sometimes worshiped. We'll dig into more examples of gods from these various classes soon enough. So how do these gods get here? Let's look at some Greek creation myths. Let's get real fucking weird.

There are several different versions of how the universe came to be according to the Greeks. And this is my favorite based on the writings of Hecien. In the beginning, there was only chaos, which was an empty void. But then a cosmic egg formed out of nothing. How? Don't worry about it. What's a cosmic egg you ask? You're asking too many questions.

What matters is not how this egg got there, but what first hatched out of it. What's a cosmic egg you ask? You're asking too many questions. What matters is not how this egg got there, but what first hatched out of it? This enormous egg laid by chaos, or perhaps it was the womb of chaos, or just some kind of space, kind of vague. Chaos was assigned feminine characteristics, though. This chaos first gave birth to to Gia, the earth, then to Tautorus, the Great Region beneath the earth, then to Eros, the shining God of love and sexy time. Chaos also birthed Iribus, the darkness of the Netherworld, the world, and Nix, the goddess of night, darkness over the earth, then Iribus slept with Nix who gave birth to Ether, the heavenly light, and today the earthly light. Later Nix all alone produced such beings as Doom, Fate, Death, Sleep, Dreams, Nemesis,

and a long list of other atrocities that terrorize humans. Nix, a daughter of chaos. He was a real dark doom and gloom mother fucker. And Nix may have been based on Luciferina. Yes, Luciferina, one of the most ancient gods, older than the Earth. Luciferina may have influenced the mythological creation of the other Greek gods, we'll soon talk about, such as Aphrodite, Greek goddess of love and beauty. Lucifina embraced both beauty and chaos.

In fact, the beauty of chaos. Lucifina could be dark and vengeful. She could distract and harm, but also help. Mostly, she represented the darkness that exists within us all. Nihilism wrapped in hedonism, a darkness that isn't always bad. When used for good. Lucifina reminds you to live for the now. Enjoy the now.

There's merit in that. Live for the present with no thought of the hangoffs of the past, the consequences of the future. Hail Lucifina. Hail the wisdom of her joyous hedonism. Hail her passion and grace of life. Lucifina's presence also felt in Dinesias, the Greek god of revelry and wine and sexuality.

Some sources, Luciferina, say that Luciferina rivaled Zeus and her power. May have been more powerful, but then male writers that raised her from the history books, afraid of both her powerful sexuality and independence. You know, bestying male gods in both physical battles and battles of sexual conquest. So they had to replace it with, you know,

helpless virgin archetypes by some sources, I mean only me, maybe, maybe, maybe, battles and battles of sexual conquest. So they had to replace it with, you know, helpless virgin archetypes. By some sources, I mean only me, maybe, maybe, maybe the, maybe the ancient spirit of, you know, Lucifer is very real. Maybe just channels me to bring her to the present. Any who, any who back the age crease stuff before I go full on cold leader. Soon, Gia with help from no man gives birth to Uranus. Now, this sometimes pronounces Uranus. I don't like to say Uranus. The story sky into Aurea, the mountains, also to Pontus, to see how well she used some god magic egg spells or something.

Don't ask me questions again. Just go with it. Uranus then invented the edipus complex by becoming Gia's husband and equal as he did cover her on all sides. More incessed. The world was created incessiously, just's husband and equal. As he did cover her on all sides, more in zest, the world was created in zestuously, just like Adam and Eve. Every good creation story starts with some close family fucking.

This primordial couple, the sky in the earth produced the 12 Titans, the three towering wheel-eyed cyclopses and the three terrible Hekaton curries with 50 heads and 100 arms aiece. This particular monster shows up from time to time. It didn't seem to become super popular in the stories. Not a lot of murals with this bad boy painted on them. You know, no sculptures of everyone who found these bastards because no one has a fucking clue how are you supposed to fit that many heads and that many arms that's not going to humanoid body. Which is how they're depicted in, you know, modern illustrations.

HECKATONKARIES just doesn't feel like a really well thought out beast to be totally honest, just like some ancient storyteller getting caught up in a passion, you know, storytelling moments. And the monster had had many heads. How many heads did it have, great Oracle? Why it had 50? Yes, 50 heads on one body. Ooh, and how many arms did it have? Why is Oracle? Oh, arms, well, 100. And 100 arms. Yeah, arms in every direction.

And arms spouted out from its chest and back and stomach and a couple arms on its neck and legs and a couple leg arms. Yeah, had arms, had arm arms coming out of its arms and arms supporting out of its groin and buttocks and head arms like a unicorn kind of horn. Come on, have it. Anyway, let's move on to the next monster. The Cyclops were described as wheel-eyed because their single eye was the size of a large wagon wheel.

The word Cyclops even comes from words relating to wagon wheels. It'll trim you there too. Not sure why those guys didn't get two eyes, I guess you know, maybe one big eyes, scarier than two or something. Uranus was also a massive asshole, pun, not intended actually. He was a harsh husband and a shitty father, puns still not intended, kind of intended. Each of hecked tongue curries, heck of tongue curries, they hated him and he hated them in return.

And in his anger, Uranus is still all angry fathers do. And he pushed these sons of bitches back into his wife's womb and kept them there, which is sounds painful and gross. I hope no human maniac has ever tried that, right? I told you I didn't want the baby. You put him back in there. You pushing back there and I'll push him back in myself. G. Arise and painted this as I imagine one would, then plotted revenge upon her husband's

hand. She made herself a flint sickle called upon her other children to avenge her, the one she wasn't fucking, the good kids, the Titans and the Cyclops has recoiled in fear of their father, only the last born Titan, Kronus, God of time was daring enough to attack his father. And then that night, when your rain has came to lie with Gia, the crafty cronus was hiding and wait, waiting to watch his parents get ready to make love like a good son does. And then before pop could do the deed, he sneaks out of his hiding spot, grabs his father by his dick and severs his ball sack with his mom's sickle, which almost couldn't be just more gross. This, you know, and painful. And I guess fair payback for the vagina stuffing that G. Ed already endured.

As the blood fell from his sack to the earth, the furies were created. Three ancient Greek goddesses of vengeance and retribution who punish men for crimes against natural order. The ash tree nymphs also created the wives of the silver race of men and mothers of the bronze, the third generation of mankind, the ones who nursed their sons on the honey sap of the ash, and arm them with spears, crafted from the wood of their trees, a new tribe of a hundred giants also created who knew.

So many creatures were hiding in dad's sack. A cronus after slicing his father's balls then cut off his dad's penis. Took that clean wing, heaved it into the sea. And from the foam rose out for a deity, beautiful goddess of love created by Dong foam. And then she voted along and stepped ashore at Cyprus. So that's how babies are made, you know. I had all mixed up in my head. You just got cut off your dad's dick and you got tossed in the sea and get some babies. The mutilated Uranus, either then withdrew forever from the earth. Well, sorry,

I didn't either. The mutilated Uranus withdrew from the earth, but not before promising that the cronus and the other Titans would be punished. Yeah, I'd like to think that I would at least depart with some threats if I just had my generals cut off. Chronus then established his reign by confining the Cyclopses and the Hectotun Curies, those 50-headed 100 armed bombinations to Tautras, and then like any good ruler, he married his sister and got to fucking under his lordship. Chronus and his sister Rhea produced many offspring. However, Chronus could not allow his own children to survive for both

Gia and Uranus had prophesied that Kronus would be supplanted by his son. Mm-hmm. I forgot to mention that. The old ball slicer done got cursed. Lot of cursing in the Greek legends. So when Ria gives birth to the gods and goddesses, Kronus just fucking eats him. Mm-hmm. Take that curse. You didn't see that coming. did you? Go ahead and curse me.

I'll just eat my own babies. Ha ha, smarter than that. Now pass the salt. You need to season up these little loopholes. Chrono's then swallows Hestia, Dmitra, Hira, Hades, Poseidon, shortly after each is born. Just eats the babies.

And Rhea, as you could imagine, she doesn't like it. She doesn't appreciate her brother, husband, eating all her niece and nephew babies. So she seeks to have her six child Zeus hidden from his deocidal father. So she bears Zeus in secret and then gives Chronos a stone wrapped in swaddling bands to swallow in his place. And it worked because apparently these old great gods were super fucking dumb. Can't stress that enough.

They fall for a lot of weird stuff. Chronus just eats a big rock and thinks, yum, tastes like the baby. Zeus was then raised to manhood by a bunch of sexy nymphs on Crete, which may help explain his later very aggressive sex drive. Chronus, meanwhile, is growing older. Bummer. What's the point of being a god if he's going to get old anyways? So Zeus seeks advice on how to defeat his old father from Metis, a titanus, cousin of Zeus,

the mother of wisdom and deep thought, and later first spouse of Zeus. The titans and titanesses were the 12 children of Uranus and Gia, six males, six female. Chronus being one of the boys, Metis, daughter of one of the female Titans, Oceanus. In any way, Metis provides a prepared special potion that induces vomiting and gives it to Zeus. The sky is as a cut bear, somehow they have cut bears out in the cosmos, whoever the hell they're at right now.

A lot of stuff not explained. He's character to show up and I'm like, oh, okay, I guess they're here now. Anyway, Zeus gives this potion to Kronus, who vomits up Zeus as his brothers and sisters, as well as the stone, guess they're here now. Anyway, Zeus gives this potion to Kronus, who vomits up Zeus's brothers and sisters, as well as the stone Rhea had fed him. The vomit-covered gods were, of course, alive and totally unhurt. Apparently, Kronus' digestive system didn't really work that well.

Together with Zeus, they battle with Kronus to feed him and then bind him in Tothorus. Zeus is triumphed, however, as far from secure. The other Titans, with the exception of Prometheus and Oceanus, rebelled against this new wannabe ruler of the gods for ten years of war rages on. Kronus' fellow Titans, Atlas, Hyperion, father of the sun, moon, and dawn, Crius, God of the heavily constellations, and many others battle the new gods of Zeus, Hestia, Demeter, Hades, Poseidon, and more. But the Titans, even without Kronus, were formidable, and neither the gods nor the Titans could secure a decisive victory.

But Zeus would turn the war in his favor when he went down to Tautorus and released the Cyclopses, and those 100-handed, you know, way too many headed monsters as well. And the Cyclops has awarded Zeus their weapons of thunder and lightning and the heck a heck of a ton of curries pelter the Titans with boulders which then secured the victory for Zeus. Ah, take that, gods. Have fun, catch so many boulders, don't buy all those arms. Zeus then imprisoned the Titans in Tartarus and he condemned the rebel atlas to stand forever at the edge of the world and bear the heavens on his shoulders.

Gia was enraged to the downfall of her children, so she decides to have some sexy fun time with her brother, Tautress gives birth to one last monster, typhoo use a dragon with a hundred heads that never rested, a lot of even heads and armed situations in these old Greek gods. How many head was it 93? No, no, that was a hundred. I have to have 100. Well, Tartris, this confusing person place thing, terrified by, you know, this dragon, most of the gods flee, which is interesting, even gods are afraid of dragons. I guess, I guess, you know, one was a hundred heads. This probably, you know, probably extra scary. And this type of use, consider the deadliest creature in Greek mythology.

And of course, this attributes change based on whoever's riding about this dragon. Sometimes it's a hundred heads, sometimes thirty, sometimes a head spit fire, sometimes a heads are a variety of monster heads, sometimes are lion, bowls, wolves, bears, leopards, you know, part of why he's so scary, you never know which heads you're going to get with him. Zeus refuses to flee from the monster and he's captured and confined by the Titans. Uh oh, will our hero meet his demise? Of course not. Zeus is released by his son, Hermes, God of Trade, Commerce, Thieves, Athletes and more.

Zeus finally destroys the divine dragon with the barrage of lightning bolts, and then buries it under mount Etna and Sicily. So don't go digging around Mount Etna for fuck's sake. You want a risk on earth and some crazy many headed dragon leopard monster thing. As soon as Zeus and his fellow Olympians take power in their basing themselves in Mount Olympus now, others try and kick them off the throne. The real bummer about the throne. As soon as you get on it, someone's trying to take it from you.

The giant who had sprouted from Uranus's blood, you know, we call. Ah, it's so weird. They weren't Zeus fans. They didn't like his name or something. Maybe that dragon thing was their friend. So they lay siege to Olympus by piling mountain upon mountain in an attempt to scale it, which is a pretty cool giant trick. That's when you know you're super strong when you can turn mountains into the stairs.

These giants were tough and required all the prowess of the Olympians and the assistance of the half mortal Heracles to subdue and kill the giants. Having vanquished the Titans, the dragon, type of use and the giants, the rule of the Olympians is now undisputed. And yes, humans are already showing up. As the gods are fucking them, Heracles was the son of Zeus and a mortal woman. He was a hero and a god. He became the gatekeeper of Olympus. God of strength,

heroes, sports, oracles, divine protector of mankind after he died. There you go. That's one version of how the Greek gods came to be. That version of the creation was taken largely from Hesseyid, that Greek poet, we spoke of earlier, who really did more than anyone else to catalog him, to find the gods that Homer had written about previously. Now let's back up a bit and see what the legends say about the origins of mankind. How did Heracles, humans, ancestors show up? Well, the clever Titan Prometheus got a foresight and his brother Epometheus got a hindsight. We're spared imprisonment in Tartarus, or, yeah, Tartarus because they had kept their

neutrality in the war between the Olympians and the Titans. And this would lead directly to the first race of men. According to one tradition, Prometheus shapes man out of mud. And then the goddess Athena, goddess of wisdom, courage, inspiration, civilization, law, justice, strategic warfare, math, strength, strategy, the arms, got it, craft, skills, a lot of talents. There would be gods over a lot of things. She breathed life into this first man.

Once man was created, Prometheus allows his dim-witted brother, Epometheus, to dispense various qualities to the animals and man. So Epometheus begins by giving the best traits to the animals. Swiftness, courage, cunning, stealth, all that stuff. It gives you a variety of, you know, like, leopards and bears and stuff. And he winds up with nothing good left to give to man. Fucking Epometheus! I can be spasicita!

You stupid shit face! You could have the courage of a lion, but you wasted it! Urgh! Prometheus took over and at least gave man an upright posture like the gods and that gift enabled man to survive. Thanks Prometheus. Appreciate not having to crawl. Even if I am slow.

Prometheus had little love for the Olympians who had banished his fellow titans to the appreciate not having to crawl, even if I am slow. For me, this had little love for the Olympians who had banished his fellow titans to the depths of Tautras. His primary affection was for his new meat sacks, and he disobeyed direct God orders to help us out. He's our friend, because God will be God's and the demand sacrifices to be made to them, just like Nimrod's Cocker Spaniels. Man was now commanded to make animal sacrifices to the gods, but humans were allowed to keep a portion of the sacrifice for themselves.

And then Zeus got to decide what that portion was going to be. So Prometheus, the trick Zeus made two piles. One pile here wrapped bones in juicy fat, and he hid the good meat under a pile of ugly hide. When it was time to choose, Zeus chose the bones wrapped in the fat, which really pissed him off when he found out what happened. And so in retaliation, Zeus deprived mankind of fire. Bro, Prometheus loved us little meat sacks, and he knew we needed some fire to cook the meat.

You know, not everyone can live on extremely rare meat all the time. So he lit his torch with a sun, carried it to the earth, and gave it to man against Zeus's orders. Zeus was livid when he found out, Prometheus was really chopping his ass, really disrespect him. You know, he didn't zap a dragon monster with a bunch of thunderbolts to be disrespected. So he created a devious plan. He ordered that his son, oh man, a Festus.

I may say his name differently later. I missed this one's spire. But anyway, this got a fire, metalworking stone masonry forges an art of the sculpture. He orders him to create a mortal of stunning beauty. And when a Festus had done so, the gods gave this new creature a number of gifts, but Hermes gave it a deceptive heart and a lion tongue. And yes, this was the first woman, Pandora. And according to to the legends a worse calamity never be fell man oh my heck gosh dang misogyny alive and well in ancient times women getting slandered as being tricksters in both Christianity and Greek mythology even if you know she fucked up things

for dudes Pandora see if we keep fucking things out for guys. It's almost like all this stuff was written by dudes. Prometheus had warned his brother, Epometheus, about accepting gifts from Zeus. Yeah, when Epometheus saw this radiant creature Pandora, he could not resist her. Hey, Luciferina. Pandora had brought with her a jar that she was forbidden to open. But she couldn't resist opening things and her curiosity won out. She opened the lid and then a multitude of evils flew out and scattered over the world to a flicked man forever. Damn it Pandora. Between you and Eve, you're really ruined a lot of stuff. No more living in paradise. Now we've got evil stuff floating around.

What evils, you ask? Well, in some legends it's not specified. And others generally, like sadness, poverty, disease, and death. For Prometheus, Zeus reserved a special punishment for an in this fire bullshit. Zeus was made aware that Prometheus knew the identity of a god who'd one day to throne him. Zeus wanted to know who that god was. And in defiance, Prometheus refused to tell him. So Zeus had Prometheus chained to a rock in the Caucasus.

And those mountains, one of the pillars supporting the world. Also, you know, that mountain range that divides Europe and Asia, stretching between the black sea and the caspian sea. And every day Zeus sent an eagle to pick out the Titans liver, which would grow back again every night. And then this agony was drawn out for ages. And that is the story of how Prometheus made man and how a woman ruined everything and how Prometheus then got changed to Iraq. According to another story, the gods created man and existed on earth while the Titan Chronus ruled,

there would be five ages of man in this story, and then we'll move on after this. The first race of men lived in complete happiness during that golden age, men were free from suffering, labor, old age, dying was pain-free, and as easy as falling asleep. Ooh, okay. Over time, this race died out, but their spirits

remained to protect the following men from evil. Thanks, thanks for your spirits, golden guys. A super thoughtful. The gods then created the men of the silver age who sucked, compared to their predecessors. These men would remain children for a hundred years. They loved the number a hundred. They remained children for a hundred years under the dominance of their mothers. Seriously, not adding that. It was the age of the beta male, the mama boy. When these mac and cheese and corn dog eat and Capri sun drink and basement dwellers, finally matured, they quickly died off because they were idiots.

They didn't know how to take care of themselves. So Zeus put an end to this terrible age of men. Next Zeus created the men of the Bronze Age out of ash, ash spears. These men were mighty, tall, ferocious. They worked with metals. They proved to be a violent race of warriors, and in the end, so violent, they completely destroyed one another through warfare. The next period was the heroic age, a time of notable heroes and deeds, famous heroes like Heracles and Jason, Thesius, Odysseus, and the great men in the Trojan War all existed

during the heroic age. Brad Pitt, as a tribute to his obvious favorite Zeus established those sweet ass heavy heavenly Elysian fields as a resting place for their spirits after death Still optimistic that he make a better man Zeus went back to the drawing board created the men of the Iron Age According to the Greeks they were the worst race ever to appear on earth and one destined to become totally depraved and you and I are part of that age. Damn it. No more hair at least and Achilles type heroes for us iron folk. Hard work, trouble, pain, weariness. That's our fate in this group. Damn it. The God has become so frustrated by our noises, smells and shitty cowardly deeds that they abandon us. That's why they're not around anymore. Now, I've been pissed off this entire last week thinking about how all these gods abandon us.

Actually, I'm glad they left us alone. As you've already seen, and we'll continue to see going forward, they're not mentally stable. The Greek gods are utter maniacs. We are definitely better off without them. One time Zeus was so thoroughly discussed with humans that he decided to annihilate the species with the watery, watery deluge. Let's talk about the Greek flood myth. From Mithius, before being chained to a rock, warned his son, Dukkallian, to prepare a

water-proof chest. When the Great Storm began to rain down upon the Earth, Dukkallian and his wife, Pira, climbed into the chest, which was loaded with provisions, and they floated to top of great flooded ocean that drowned out the rest of the world, sound familiar. Most ancient religions have some type of flood tail. After 10 days of flood subside,

the chest comes to rest on Mount Parsiness, when they emerge, Dukalian and Pira offer a sacrifice to Zeus, asking to restore the human race. The couple also go to Delphi and pray to the tightness of justice who told him to cast the bones of their mother behind them. At first this command confused them because it's, you know, it's a weird thing to ask someone to do. But the Calian had an inspiration.

His mother's bones must be the stones that lay upon the earth for the earth had given birth to mankind. And as do Calian started casting stones behind him, these stones became men. And as Piracastones behind her, they became women. And in this matter, the human race was reborn. So I'm sure that 100% totally happened literally. Now that we've explored the creation myths behind both the Greek gods and mankind, let's get to know some of the main cast of Olympian characters a little better. This is my favorite part. Uh, it's got time, everybody. Yeah, yeah, let's get to Godden.

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That's M-V-M-T, join the movement, link in the episode, description. Now let's talk some more about Zeus, this weirdo. This, after disposing Corona, Zeus and his two brothers, Hades and Poseidon drew lots to see which portion of the world would be ruled by each. Zeus received mastery of the sky, Poseidon got to see, and Hades became master of the underworld. Also, to create the earth, and Olympus in particular would belong to all three.

In addition to being more and more powerful than his brother, Zeus gained another advantage from his position as the mother fucking God of the sky since it allowed him free access to check out all those ladies below. He would take full advantage of disability. He has to be the rapiest God I've ever read about. Indeed, as a sky God, it was expected of him to impregnate the earth

with his seed, mimicking how seeds are spread by the wind. Almost no goddess, nymph, nor mortal woman was able to resist his godly sex charms and those who didn't want anything to do with him. Well, you found other ways to get what you wanted. Zeus is mostly known for being married to Hira. Goddess of marriage and birth, but Zeus had several wives before her. First wife was metast to goddess of wisdom. We met earlier. Zeus decided to swallow her. Just before she gave birth to their daughter

Athena because he knew that her second child would one day be thrown him. He's gonna be a common way for these gods to solve problems, eating their family members. Are your kids or deaths into one day destroy you? Well, eat them other babies or eat your wife before she can have a baby that can kill you. And some sources to allow Athena to live Zeus and Hephaestius taken acts and cleave his forehead open and from Zeus's head spraying Athena fully formed by swallowing medis Zeus had gained wisdom as part of his intrinsic nature and also somehow Avoided the dethroning destiny and if you're confused it's because this shit's fucking super confusing and weird.

It's like they were just on powerful hallucinogens constantly when they were coming up with all this. Zeus's second wife was Themas, the goddess of divine justice. She gave birth to the four seasons, to the wise laws, to human justice, to peace, to the fates, a group of three mythological goddesses. They were often depicted as weavers of tapestry on a loom with the tapestry dictating the destinies of men. Zeus's third wife was your enemy, a hot-ass ocean nymph.

She bore the three graces. It's a glia, a glia, which is brightness. You frossinine, joyfulness, and Thalaya, Bloom. She wasn't enough for Zeus's insatiable sex drive, and he set his sexual sights on his sister, the meter, the rare woman who resisted him. So he rapes his sister, and she gives birth to Persephone, the future queen of the underworld.

Yikes! Oh my heck, in various old Greek legends, Zeus rapes all kinds of women. Like I said, very rapy God, which is obviously troubling. One can only imagine how much actual raping was going on in ancient Greece, if the gods were setting that tone an example. Zeus's next wife was the titanus, Namassani, the goddess of memory, who happens to have a very difficult name to remember. Irony, her union was Zeus produced

the nine muses, deities that gave artists, philosophers, and individuals the necessary inspiration for creation. Zeus finally became enamored of the goddess who would become his permanent wife, Hira, who he would for sure cheat on so much. For courting her unsuccessfully several times, he changed himself into a disheveled cuckoo, or cuckoo, and this fucking bird. I think it's, I don't know. When here it took pity on the bird and held it to her breast, Zeus resumed his true form and you guessed it, he kind of raped her. He tricked her, which, you know, is definitely rape.

Here are then decided to marry Zeus to cover her shame, and the two had an extravagant wedding worthy of the gods. Again, terrible example to set for the humans below. You know, some woman's not in to you. I just pull Zeus. You just rape her, and then hope that she somehow decides to go ahead with it. And Mary used to know and finds out. This is insanity. Zeus and here I have four children together. He'd be the cup bearer to the gods, Aries the God of War, Elithia, goddess of childbearing, and then Hephaestus, or Hephaestus, there we go, the craftsman of the gods,

although here it claimed that Hephaestus was virgin born. Zeus was too busy raping gods and people and animals and shit to be good dad, so he never cared much for his two legitimate sons, Aries and Hephaestus, and his two legitimate daughters were almost non entities to him as well. Hephaestus was described as extremely unattractive in the text. He got a particularly rough, I guess. One time, Hephaestus got in the middle of a quarrel between Zeus and Hira, and he sided with his mom, and in a rage, Zeus hurled his ugly-ass kid down from Olympus

to the Isle of Lemnos, crippling him forever. Which I understand, I get it. I mean, pretty annoying to be a super powerful God and they end up with the ugly kid that has to sting, that has to sting. You know, you think you just pump out nothing but models if you're a God that your sons would look like Brad fucking pit and Troy, remember that I mentioned that was an awesome movie already. I think I did. No tom's don't but close. The arguments between Zeus and Hera were fairly frequent. Zeus continued to have one affair after another. Hira wanted to punish him, but that wasn't easy because

he was quite a bit stronger. And he could throw those damn lightning bolts whenever he wanted. While she couldn't lash out very effectively against Zeus directly, she could avenge herself on the females that Zeus banged. And she often did, which was a bummer, considering that many of these women were raped. A number of Zeus' affairs resulted in new gods and goddesses. One night as hear a slumber, Zeus made love to one of the seven Pleiades nymphs, a shy goddess who lived alone in the cave.

Her name was Maya. After her time was Zeus, she gave birth to the tricky messenger of the gods, Hermes. By some accounts, Zeus was also the father of the goddess of love, Aphrodite, by way of banging the tightness, Dianne, or Dianne, more an Aphrodite later. juice will also have a twins with a gal named Lido, which is, you know, I think I probably who boss gags saying about, you know, Lido, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

one more time for the money. Zeus is hard to understand what even am I talking about? I'm not sure that those are the exact words that song. And so we took lead of the goddess of monocity and womanly demures this concert, consort, hero is pissed, here a persecuted lead by condemning her to bear her children and land of complete darkness. Lido gave birth painlessly to Artemis, the Virgin Huntress on the island. Sometimes I'm just like, if I can, some island has too many constants. Nine days later, she gave birth to Apollo, the God of Light and Inspiration on the island

of Delos. Another notable God had Zeus as a father and a mortal woman as a mother. This was Dionysius, mentioned Dionysius several times already. The God of wine and revelry. Because of his mortal mother, he was never granted full Olympian status. His mother was the Theban princess, Samili. Zeus visited her with his electrified god dick, one night in the darkness,

and she knew a divine being was present. When it turned out that Samili was pregnant, she boasted that Zeus was the father. Heror found out and came to Samili disguised as her nurse. Herah asked how she knew the father was Zeus. Samili had no proof. So Herah suggested that Samili asked to see this God in his full glory. The next time Zeus visited the girl, he was so delighted with her that he promised her anything

she wanted, and she wanted to see Zeus fully revealed in the light. Then sadly, when he showed himself in his true essence, Simele was fucking obliterated by his God glory and burnt to ashes. Okay, make sense. You know, actually, I do kind of understand that a little bit. I won't let Lindsey Simeone get, not in a completely lit up room.

Mm-mm, no, sir. As you know, my majestic naked glory would burn her, polish eyes out. Behold, behold. Despite frying the kids, mom, Zeus was able to spare unborn Dinesi as sowing him what he did. He sown him up inside his thigh as one does to save an unborn baby and let him hang on his man leg womb, tell you who's ready to emerge later. Yep, all this makes a lot of sense.

Zeus still had more kids, many of which would not be gods. Among Zeus' offspring were great heroes such as Perseus, Slayer of the Gorgon, Medusa, Founder of the Perseid Dynasty. Talk about Perseus a lot later. Two other sons were Castor and Polydusus, two of the Argonauts that watched Jason, you know, do what he had to do to get that golden fleece. There was also the Great Heracles, Defender of Olympus. Other children were founders of great cities or countries.

Epaphos, who founded Memphis, Arcas, who became King of Arcadia. And the founder of Sparta was one of his sons. Another one of his neglected children was the wisest log giver of his age, the first Minos. Another was a fabulous beauty, the famous Helen of Troy. And on and on. And then there was one, was a king, a monster, and a divine piece of shit, Tantilus, who attempted to serve his own son at a feast with the gods. This guy was punished by Zeus to go forever thirsty

and hungry and hatey, despite being in a pool of water and almost within reach of a fruit tree. Zeus was like, listen, don't think that just because I'm super rapy and in favor of killing, there was that I'm in favor of killing and eating your kids. We all draw our own, you know, morality lines and mine is somewhere between kid eating a rape.

All of Zeus' kids were powerful and renowned in some way, good or bad. Lida was another victim of Zeus' lust. After being visited by Zeus in the form of a swan, yes, Zeus, you know, raped her as a swan, she gave birth to an egg from which Helen and Clementsstra and Castor and Paladuces were born. What the fuck are you even talking about?

I don't know, it's just a fucking series of crazy words. And this is, this is paired down to make it as much sense as I can possibly have it make. My God. Look! Now this you know they didn't they they're books were a little different. That's the years ago. I just keep on picturing it as like a children's book now. Sitting there reading this to your kids then a swan came. And rave turns you gave birth to an egg. Exactly. They probably were reading these to Greek kids long time ago anyway i couldn't hold any longer care i get it i get it i get it uh... since lea's husband uh...

uh... tindara also made love to her shortly after zoos the exact paternity ever these quadruplets subject question and now this now this next hill features use raping a woman after turning her into a cow uh... we're getting even we're than we already have been this story story revolves around EO, Princess of Argos, who was an ancestor of many kings and heroes such as Perseus, Cadmus and Heracles. More EO was famous for her long persecution at the hands of Hira.

Zeus fell in love with EO, seduced her under a thick blanket of clouds, to keep Hira from spotting him. Hira was so aware of Zeus' constant flandering. She was apparently always trying to keep an eye on him. And for God's, you think they have a healthy relationship. Too bad they couldn't do some kind of God counseling. Here was Andu, her cheating husband's bullshittery. And she flew down from Olympus, dispersed the clouds,

caught Zeus with his dick out, standing by a white heifer. Who of course was EO. He had turned into a cow. And Zeus was like, nothing to see here. Nothing to see here. Just your husband, fresh after turned into a cow. And Zeus was like, nothing to see here, nothing to see here. Just your husband, fresh after a bit of cow fucking, no big whoops. We all have our kinks and faults.

Sometimes, you know, you're jealous and secure, sometimes I have fucking cow behind a cloud. Here at Colmy, he asked Zeus if she could have this animal. Zeus gives it to her, he's like, yeah, whatever, yeah, it's just a cow, I don't even care. Here a new it was EO, and then she imprisoned her, put her under her guard. The watchman August was put in charge of guarding her. August was a giant with a hundred eyes.

Fuckin' they love the number of hundred. August was a perfect God or a guard because he never slept and then eventually Zeus, you know, he was tired of not, you know, having access to EO because I guess you really want to have sex with him some more. And so he sends his son, Hermes, to rescue her. And disguise Hermes manages to put Argus asleep with stories and flute playing. And then Hermes master of the super boring story,

accompanied by a company by some kind of soft jazz flute playing, she yet kills him. He's stories. They really are so ridiculous. As a mortal to Argus, Hira sets his eyes in the tail of her pet bird, the peacock, which is how they got to look, how they look. And then Hira, Fira's Eos escape, sends a gadfly to chase Eo all over the earth, still in the form of a cow, Eo runs madly from country to country, tormented by the stinging insect.

Then finally she comes across Prometheus, chained to that rock, right in the Caucasus, and the two victims of divine injustice discuss her plight. Prometheus points out that her sufferings are far from over. But that after a long journey, she would reach the Nile, be changed back into a human shape, give birth to epiphas, the son of Zeus, and receive many honors. So fuck yeah, kind of good news, you know,

not gonna be cow chased by a fly forever. And then from Eos descent is would come here at least the man who would help defend Olympus from angry giants. The man who had set permit from Ethiopia's free by killing the Eagle Zeus had sent to repeatedly eat his liver and then unchain him. Man, if I get a time machine, if we do get one of those figured out, never going back to Angel Grace. This is a most insane culture. If hero was did, actually, they weren't. Actually their stories, their gods were more insane than they were in many ways. Thankfully.

If hero was digital and about punishing EO for sleep and zoos, the opposite is true for Europa who escaped her wrath without consequence. One morning, this lovely daughter of the king of Sidon had a dream in which two continents and female form laid claim to her. Europa belonged to Asia by birth, but the other continent, which was nameless, said that Zeus would give Europa to her. Later, while Europa and her girl companions were frallicking by the sea, Zeus was smitten with the princess because he wanted to fuck everything, and he changed himself into a marvelous bowl of great hand sim this which is kind of weird to say, you know, he's not going to be just a regular old bull. No, he's going to

be some sexy ass bull, you know, so sexy, just a handsome ass bull. He approaches the girls, you know, the gently run over to play with him because he's handsome ass bull. Zeus kneels down in Europe, happily climbs on his back and then charges out and sees, he's like, ha, trick you. And they head out to, you know, Europa. All right, I'm sorry. They head out. Europa's on on the back of Zeus as the bull. And then they have some other strange secreters show up like tritons and Poseidon and shit.

Europa soon realized that the bull is a god. She begs Zeus not to desert her. Zeus replies he's taken her to Crete. It's original home. They're going to bang it out. And later their kids are going to be grand kings to rule all men. So they do go to the island of Crete, they do bang it out. Europa gives birth to Minos and Roda Montes. Why is rulers who become judges in the netherworld after death? And Europa gives her name to an entire continent. Yep, Europe. Named after

this one of the fucking most ridiculous crazy stories. Despite his conque, Zeus not always successful in his love pursuits, the nymph hysteria manages to resist him. Only by the most desperate means. He has to change yourself into a quail. I guess it's one of the few animals Zeus wouldn't fuck. Then she flings herself into the sea, and she becomes a float niland of ortizia. On one occasion, Zeus himself renounces the nymph, theetus when he learns that she would give birth to a son greater than his father. He's like, no, no, no, not gonna do that. Not gonna go down that road.

No one have to eat him. Also, Zeus didn't just love lust after women. He was a buy or perhaps a better term so to do his sexual taste would be omnisexual. His attraction was limited to nothing really, or you know, not to say he just he's attracted everything. Uh, Gennemy was a young Trojan prince for noun for his attractiveness. So Zeus had the boy abducted by his eagle, flies him out to Olympus, so he can be his lover. I know that was a lot of Zeus talk, but he deserved

a lot of attention. He's the most powerful of the Greek gods. Last thing about Zeus, something Zeus was modeled after a much older god known as Nimrod. Yes, the giant space Sasquatch. Size of an entire galaxy with the head of a Chibacabra. The god that rides a black unicorn with flaming suns for eyes to God who once demanded loyalty in ancient times. But having followers stomped the skulls of Cocker Spangles once a month to pay tribute. The god who's faithful would live forever in his out for Omega immortal ball sack. But Nimrod's form scared the ancient Greeks. They were too vain to worship an entity that did not look like them.

And they turned the giant primordial beast into a man. They forgot their God began to worship their own image. Nimrod older than chaos, raining so far back that his reign circles infinitely, wrapping back around to form the future, filling the space time continuum with a celestial glory. Nimrod gave birth to both chaos and Uranus, and to many gods before them and countless solar system and worlds beyond these. Nimrod created the race of the Anuniki, the spaces, or destined to rule humanity.

Reptilians who once were good, but then became greedy, turned selfish and dark, and then a new tribe of spaces was created by Nimrod to defeat the old reptilians, just as the gods of Olympus over through their Titans, or something like that. Just, just a thought. A lot of times suck mythology in this suck, as well as Greek mythology. If you're a new sucker, this might not be the best episode to start with. Also, I gotta say, after all these Greek stories, my stories of the times of God's not any crazier,

not any crazier. I thought Nimrod's story for a while there was a little too weird, but now compared to the Zeus stuff, really kind of right in the ballpark of how weird that's supposed to be, I guess. Okay, now let's go back to the Greek Gods. Next up Poseidon, great God of the Sea. Zeus's brother Poseidon gained control of the sea as his Next up Poseidon, great God of the sea.

Zeus's brother Poseidon gained control of the sea as his portion of the world back when Zeus was given the sky. And like the sea, also he was a stormy and violent. Poseidon built a palace in the watery depths and saw a wife who could live there, which was hard to find because quite a few people have troubled breathing underwater.

One time Poseidon courted Thetes, a sexy little sea-nymph, but he gave her up when he learned that she would bear a sun greater than him, so much father-son anxiety in these tales. Man, such a reflection of the times, all these old ancient Greek city-state kings clearly. Real fucking worried about their sons coming after the throne apparently that was a real problem.

One of Kyler's gonna try and take time suck away from him when he's the older? I should probably lock him in torturous. You know, can't be too safe. Can't risk him taking a size to my balls, getting too powerful? I'll have to talk to him. As soon as I see my son next, I'm like,

hey, you're gonna get a lot of trouble if you try and sithalk my nuts. That I'm just gonna walk away. Later I'll be like, you know what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I'm just gonna walk away. Later I'll be like, you know what I'm talking about, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Poseidon courted, Amphatrytii. Amphatry, yeah, these fucking names. This is one of those ones I said it so many times

before the show, hoping it would stick, wrote so many pronunciation guides, but it just does not fit in my brain head. Amphatrytii. I think it's Amphatrytii. Another CNymph, it was quarter by Poseidon. She disliked him, fled far away. Dude, striking out with the CNymphs.

Poseidon sent messengers to fetch Amphatrytii and one of them, Adolphin, able to persuade her to marry the Lord of the sea. Good job, Adolphin. That's what people like you, you're helpful. This marriage would not be a happy one because Poseidon, like like Zeus loved some side action and Amphatrytie just like hero would take her frustration out on her man's lovers in one case Amphatrytie

transformed one of her husband's mistresses into a low-sum barking monster as one does Not satisfied with Lordship over the sea Poseidon coveted earthly realms as well And a dispute with the goddess Athena will talk about in a moment for dominion over Athens, the two gods had a contest as to which could give the Athenians the best gift. Beside and shoved his trident into the acropolis and produced either a flowing stream or a horse, depending on the story. And then Athena gave the Athenians an olive tree.

Fuck it, an olive tree! Come on, God's just boring. The best you could do is give someone a horse or a tree, why not give them a hoverboard or pizza or PS4? You know, if that's too modern, give them a hundred ahead of dragon, but maybe one that doesn't even shoot fire, not each head shoot,

they're like a different kind of cheese. Maybe some shoot, some shoot hummus, some shoot out Greek frozen yogurt or warm pedas or a year old meat. The Athenians were impressed with their shitty gifts. So then Poseidon challenged Athenian to combat for control of the city, but Zeus demanded that they,

ah, no fighting. We gotta go to the God court. We're gonna submit this to arbitration. And the male God side with Poseidon, the female goddesses favorite Athenia, Zeus withheld his votes, so that gave a slight majority in Athenia one. In retaliation, Poseid and flooded the country around Athens,

his other bids for power of her unsuccessful as well. He tried to seize noxos from Dynesius, a Gina from Zeus, Corinth from Helios, Arguelis from Hera, his quarrel some greed made him rather impopular with the other Olympians. Athena certainly wasn't a fan. I was talking more about her now.

As a warrior goddess, Athena was depicted in long flowing robes, wearing a helmet, holding a spear in one hand and a winged victory, simile in the other. She was a formidable warrior who took an active part in the war against the giants in the Trojan War. Unlike Aries, who was a hothead, always too eager to start a fight, but then cowardly often once it started, Athena had a cool prudent courage that aided her in various undertakings. She was a fucking badass.

Lucifina loves her. A protector of heroes, Athena at different points, assisted Perseus, Heracles, Belafron, Hank, Achilles, Odysseus, Jojo, Tina, Ding-ding, and their various explorers. I might as well just make up weird shit. Obviously, some of those were fake. Athena was also the rare god who remained a virgin.

Once Hephaestus tried to rape Earth, fucking rapey gods, but Athena managed to defend herself and Hephaestus spilled his seat under the ground and then the ground gave birth to Erythonius. Ah, just, if I want to think I can't get weirder. Man, you've got to be careful jerking off the woods apparently around Greece might get the ground pregnant.

That's a new one. Athena took care of this little dirt baby. Actually, this dirt baby became King of Athens, a great king, and it made a theme of the chief deity of the city. That'd be weird childhood. Who's your mom? That's an dirt. No, but for real, who's your mom?

Fugging dirt! You're standing at your stand! Look out for mom! Get my mom! Substitum, I'm mom dirt! Another time, Treesius, the son of the shepherd, Averis in the nymph, Charclow, actually only found Athena bathing and she blinded him.

She wasn't gonna let some dude violate her with her eyes. You know, no ripping guys, no peeping toms. And she gave this accidental peeper the gift of prophecy to compensate for his blindness. All right, Athena was also an inventor. Among her many inventions with the trumpet, the flute, the pot, the rake, the plow, the yoke, the bridle, the ship, the chariot, she also invented math and excelled in the arts of cooking, spinning, and weaving.

That's a random assortment of skills. So there you go, you know, you don't have to look at any other sources for inventions. You want to know who invented something, just look into the Greek gods, case closed. Athena provided herself an ability to weave. And once when a princess from California, a Rackney showed up producing a flawless tapestry, the angry goddess changed her into a spider. And that's how we got spiders from a Rackney.

A Rackney is to get it. Yeah, for someone with someone's ability, she was also clearly very insecure, petty, vengeful, and a violent asshole. Although Athena invented the flute for sure, she also became disgusted with the flute. When Hera and Aphrodite laughed at her swold and chinks as she played it,

because she was very insecure for a god. So she threw the flute away, pronounced a curse on it. To illustrate a story about this curse flute, the satyr, Marseus picked the flute up, acquired great skill and instrument. Apollo heard the noise, became jealous of Marcius ability Challenge him to music contest when Apollo won he flayed the sater to death and then nailed his skin to a tree

How fucking dare you challenge me to a flute contest you know how seriously I take flute contest. Oh fucking put your skin on a tree Next Olympian Apollo this stuff is making the serial killer sucks look like they're g rated. Apollo was a god of many things, as most Greek gods were. As a deity of light, he helped to ripen crops, destroy pests, heal illness, he'd also be deadly. He shot terrible arrows and created plagues. A god of prophecy, he had many irregular shrines,

the chief one being at Delphi, he was a shepherd god as well protected flocks, master of the lear and song. Apollo was especially vain about his musical powers, kept the music as part of his entourage. Beyond this, he was a builder and a god of colonies, and his representations, he was depicted as a nude, beardless young man of handsome proportions, often shown with a bow, an quiver, or a lear. As you mentioned previously, hero was an ass to Apollo's mother, Lido. She even once sent the serpent python to pursue Lido during

her pregnancy. Four days after he was born Apollo called for a bow and arrow, which is super impressive for a four day year old boy. And if that's this, furnish these Apollo when in search of Python, he managed to trap the serpent in the gorge and then slew it He did some slu-in. He slated with his arrows on two occasions Apollo around the anger of his father Zeus And he's one like little spats. This wasn't like get off the couch and do the dishes This is big stuff the first time you piss Zeus off is when he acted in concert with a Hera beside and other gods to dethrone Zeus She'd been kind of high-handed recently and that's definitely gonna piss off a ruler when you conspired and the rule acted in concert with a Hera beside and other gods to dethrone Zeus.

She'd been kind of high-handed recently and that's definitely going to piss off a ruler when you conspired and the rule. These guys captured Zeus bound into his couch where the rebels threatened to kill him. However, the nymph, Thedas, showed up with Briarius, one of those three fucking 50-head 100-armed, not well-thought-out things to guard Zeus and this effectively quashed the rebellion. In vengeance Zeus hung a hero buyer heels from Olympus. They sent Apollo and Poseidon to a year's servitude under King Leamondon to build Troy. And when Leamondon refused to pay them the rightful wages for building Troy and tenant the royal oxen Apollo visited Leamondon's kingdom with the plague and Poseidon sent a sea monster to ravage his land.

So weird, hiring gods for construction, right? And then what the fuck, do they care if they don't get paid or not? What do they need money now? They live on Mount Olympus. What do they want in Greek currency for? Like who's going to turn them down? Just sorry, Apollo. Now, the chicken shormas, it's three, it's three drakmas. It's not two.

I'm sorry, I cannot serve you. The other time Apollo angered Zeus occurred when Zeus killed Apollo's son, us keep this name sucks, a Sleepless, a Sleepless for resurrecting a dead man in retaliation. Apollo killed Zeus's armors, the cyclopses, a lot of, a lot of collateral damage in these arguments

Zeus would have sent Apollo to tottarist except that Lido pleaded for her son Apollo was then given a year's servitude under king Admetis for whom he'd performed great services again So weird to loan out gods to kings as like some kind of weird contractor Bummer for the other workers too. Can you imagine having to work alongside a god? Well, Marty's pick out the pay. The Apollo just laid three miles a road one day. What do you put down? Like two feet, tops?

Come on, dude. After defeating Marseille in a music contest, Apollo had another contest with Pan, the goat god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, nature, mountain wilds to do with the hind quater, quarters, legs and horns of a goat. Pan also the God of fields, groves, wooded glens, kind of a minor sex god too. All these gods, kind of, you know, there are realms of influence overlap quite a bit. Apollo wins this contest, emerged as he undisputed second best musician of the gods. He would go on to release a string golden platinum albums.

It would be the second ever inductee into the Mount Olympus Rockinville Hall of Fame. Who was the best musician of the gods. He would go on to release a string, golden platinum albums. It would be the second ever inductee into the Mount Olympus Rockin'ville Hall of Fame. Who is the best musician? I think you know. Triple M, Michael Motherfuckin' McDonald's. Something he's not a real man. Something he's an ancient Greek god. He's been showing up for thousands of years to play the sound so sweet they keep humankind from destroying itself.

Music infused with audio and brochia to keep our spirits alive. Michael's music is the music of Mount Olympus. Of course, the gods listen to Yacht Rock. They lived Yacht Rock. Zeus once threatened to destroy the entire Earth and a fit of petty rage after here I confronted him about some new animal rape or something. And then Triple M played,

sweet freedom to change his mind. Shine, sweet freedom, shine your light on me, belt belt, you are the magic, you're right where I wanna be. I went too high, went too high on it, but this was like, you're right Michael. I am right where I wanna be, I'm right where everyone wants to be. Ah, that's so wise. I mean, I'm Zeus! I do what I want, you know? God, keep, keep, keep singing. Shant, sweet, freedom, shiny lot on me. You are the magic you're right where I wanna be.

Little better. Greek God hits baby and I'm back. Okay, Apollo was a handsome God, a hit with the ladies, a non-rapey hit, which was nice. Nymphs and human women alike loved him. He seduced numerous nymphs and goddesses having children with each. But even a handsome Greek God can have romantic failures, because the Greek gods were also human.

So obviously created a man's image. Beautiful woman named Marpessa eluded him. Marpessa is described as being fair-encled. Fair-encled. Not sure if modern woman would appreciate that description of her beauty. I don't know, man, she hot. But dude, you seen her angles? Fuck yeah.

I mean, your face guy's scary. Your breasts kinda point opposite directions and she's pretty, you know, she's extremely obese. But that another matters when you see those hot sexy ankles. Woo. The sexy nymph Daphne was changed into a loral tree by mother earth.

Actually, you know what, I do like a sexy ankle, not even joking. I love Lindsay's ankles. Let's just get that out. You already know so much about me. It's got good ankles. I like them. The sexy nymph daffney was changed into a loral tree by mother earth before Apollo could ravisher to console himself Apollo made a loral wreath from her.

When the Trojan princess Cassandra laid a reject to him, he gave her the gift of divination. He turned the gift into a curse for making it so that no one would believe her prophecies. Oh, bummer. These guys are dick sometimes. Apollo also fell in love with a handsome boy. I sent this. It's actually the Greeks were, you know, different.

Zephyrus, the West wind fell in love with the boy too and became very jealous of Apollo. One day, as Apollo was instructing the boy in discus throwing, which is not a euphemism for some weird sexual act. Nothing like what are you guys doing throwing a little discus wink wink. Not even sure what that act would describe. Feel free to imagine it.

Apollo was actually showing high synths how to throw a discus properly in the zealous. When the jealous zeffrous sees the missile midair hurled it against high synthesis head killing him. And then when his blood fell on the ground, the heist and flower spraying up bearing the boys initials Apollo and zeffress didn't battle after that, but Apollo was super pissed zeffress for killing his lover, you know, not cool, Z, not cool. Apollo had a twin sister who's got us Artemis. Artemis was the virgin huntress goddess of the chase and forest creatures.

The young also fell into her care because her mother Lita would deliver her without pain. Artemis would be called upon during childbirth for help. I usually depicted in long robes carrying a bow and quiver company by a troop of woodland nymphs. Somebody nymphs. So much nymph action in today's suck. Didn't know I'd be sucking all these sweet nymphs, so many nymphs, so much nymph action in today's suck. Didn't know I'd be sucking all these sweet nymphs.

One of the nymphs who followed Artemis was Kalisto, whom Zeus made love to, of course he did. And disguise as Artemis herself. Dude, it was kinky. Taking the shape of animals, even other gods, he got his Zeus rocks off. One account says that when Artemis discovered the poor nymph was pregnant, she reached for her bow and arrow. Just as Artemis was about to kill the hapless girl Zeus,

changed Khalisto into a bear, and set her up in heaven as the constellation of Ursa Major. Okay, that's, all right, that's one way to do something, I guess. I don't know how that's a help. I don't know how you'd want to be a constellation. That seems just as bad as getting killed. Artemis didn't like to be spied on when she bathed.

She totally get now. They've read about all so many, all these horny raping dude gods. Once when a mighty Thetan hero hunter trained to fight by the same sentar that taught a killi's, this action came across her and her nymphs in the new, she changed him into a stag, then set his own hounds upon him to literally tear him to pieces. Fun. Now let's look at the sexist goddess of the moral, Aphrodite. then set his own hounds upon him to literally tear him to pieces. Fun. Now let's look at the sexist goddess of them all, Aphrodite. Aphrodite was the goddess of love in all forms,

the protectors of marriage, the inspire of ideal affection, the deity of sexuality. She was often depicted in sculptures as a voluptuous nude of striking beauty. I've seen him, I like him. In addition to her natural charm, she also possessed a magical girdle that rendered her irresistible to gods and mortals alike.

Hey, you're loose to fena. I gotta give me some sexy boxer action for Lindsay like that. Zeus gave Aphrodite to Hephaestus, the ugly lame craftsman of the gods to his wife and he was fucking pumped or to be his wife. So he got Hephaestus, you know, the ugly guy he could marry, hot Aphrodite. Hephaestus is obsessed with Aphrod, but she's not interested in him. So she takes Aries, you know, the God of War to be her lover. Helios reports her misconduct to a Phestus, who fashions a very fine but powerful net,

spends it above his wife's bed. Aphrodite then tells his wife he's going away for a few days. Aphrodite summons Aries, they go out in the wild for the bed and the net falls up upon them, binding them together. Hephaestus and calls upon the other gods to witness his naked wife. He just, you know, leaves them there naked, brings everybody into look at them. Hi, look at, look at what they did. Look how Jerry's Springer these gods are. Look at Jerry, look at Aphrodite.

Go on, fuck Aries now. You want to do the scene naked? Well, let the whole world look and shit. And then on the show Aphrodite would slip out of the net and then run across the stage, start punching a fastest. And then some other goddess would grab everybody the hair and a big brawl would break out. You know, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Apollo and Hermes, they gested about how they would not mind being caught in the net with such an attractive goddess and Poseidon becomes enamored of Aphrodite offers to guarantee payment of the dowry should Aries default so that Hephaestus can get out of

the marriage. Hephaestus then releases Aries and never receives the dowry but neither does he divorce his wife. He chooses instead to tolerate her infidelities. It's books a lot of times these stories are not well written. Again, if you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Mm-hmm. After this incident, Aphrodite starts getting busy with a lot of dudes. She bears children to the gods, Hermes, Poseidon, Dinesias. She doesn't sleep with Zeus, and he punishes her by making her fall in love with the mortal,

a handsome Trojan prince, and a cheesis. I don't know. There's so many fucked up names in this one. In disguise, Aphrodite offers herself to the young man who makes love to her and it bedfers. In the morning, she reveals her true identity, which terrifies him. She says that no harm will befall him unless he reveals her secret trist with him. Naturally, he can't help himself. Bragging about it with his drinking opinions. Zeus hurls a thunderbolt at him that would have killed him had not Aphrodite deflected his course a little. And then he could never walk up right again. It is the result of his union with Aphrodite. He is a child named Anias, who would become a great hero.

Proud of her beauty, Aphrodite took offense with a queen of Cyprus, brag that her daughter was more lovely. Aphrodite infected the girl with an insetuous love for her king, the father, or for her father, the king. The girl can try to union with the king and became pregnant upon learning so much incessantly. Upon learning that he was the pro creator of his Her father, the king, the girl can try to union with the king and became pregnant. Upon learning so much incessantly, upon learning that he was the procreator of his daughter's child, the king grabbed a sword and chased the girl in rage. Just as he was about to cut her in two, Aphrodite changed her into a tree as a sword swung through its split tree.

And like we all learn in grade school, this is where babies come from. Chop trees. Baby comes out of the tree. tree and like we all learn in grade school, this is where babies come from. Chopped trees. Baby comes out of the tree. The baby's called Adonis, the God of beauty and desire. Aphrodite takes the baby and gives the baby to Persephone, queen of the underworld. And then this baby grows into a handsome youth. And Persephone as any good foster mom would do becomes the baby's lover.

Aphrodite, after you're hearing about how hot Adonis had become, goes to the underworld becomes the baby's lover. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And you know, she wants more Adonis D than that, wants more than just four months a year. She seduces Adonis with her magic girdle and convinces him to remain with her the whole year. And this pisses Persephone off who reports the situation to our Aphrodite's old lover Aries who changes himself into a boar and attacks Adonis and kills him. His blood falls to the ground, flower spring forth, his soul descends to the underworld where Persephone starts fucking him all over again. And then Aphrodite, petition Zeus to allow Adonis to spend at least a summer months

in her company and Zeus agrees. I thought the stories of the North Gods were crazy. This was just, this is, I don't even know what's happening half the time. And I've read this several times, and I've gone over this and, oh my gosh. And that would be wonder about the research, it would be like Zach, Zach gets all this stuff lined up initially that I go all over again for many, many more hours and add my own

extra notes and compile it yet again and then read it yet again and then hone it and stuff and still sell me stories. I'm like, what is happening? Look, okay, let's talk about Hermes. The cleverest and most percusious God was Hermes. His functions were related to travel for the most part, God of the roads, commerce, thevery, usher of the dead of the Netherworld.

He was also a phallic God, pillars, and with a head called Hermes, we're set up in front of Greek homes. He's got of intelligence. He invented the lear, the pipes, the musical scale, astronomy, weights, measures, boxing, gymnastics, and he was the God of how to care well for all of trees.

Love how random that is. Wow, you're the God of astronomy and of intelligence and of business? And also all of trees, but well, kind of how to care for them at least. Do not forget that skill of mine. I can take care of an olive tree very well if you sacrifice upon my altar. Immediately after Hermes was born, he went out and killed a tortoise from its shell. He created

the lear. With the lear, he pulled his, he lulled his mother my to sleep, which left him free to do as he pleased. For long, he started wandering around and he came across a splendid herd of cattle that belonged to Apollo because I guess gods need to raise cattle for some reason. He's promptly stalled to herd. This guy is the track so no one could trace him. When Apollo discovered his loss, he went out searching in all directions for his stolen cattle because they were very important to him. He even posted a reward like a regular non-goddard.

I guess he went down to the god post office like, hey, if you've seen these cattle, because they were very important to him. He even posted a reward like a regular non-goddude. I guess he went down to the God post office like, hey, if you've seen this cattle, try and find my cattle. Finally, he gets wind of the whereabouts and finds two cows hiding it. Hermes dwelling. Still a baby.

Hermes is pretending to be asleep but Apollo insisted on taking him before Zeus. He's like, fuck that baby. A baby stole my cows. And I want him punished till the fullest extent of the God laws. Zeus is astonished when Apollo accuses a baby of taking his cattle, but Apollo, but Apollo browbeats a little baby Hermes into a full confession. After admitting that he'd sacrificed two of the cows to the gods, even though he was

a God, this is all very confusing. Hermes promised to deliver the rest of the herd to Apollo. On the way to get the cows, Hermes takes Apollo home and shows him the lear he had made. Apollo was so impressed with it that he exchanged the cattle for the lear. And like, we're all good, dude. And then he became good buddies. There's one adult God just chilling with a little baby God. Hermes then presented himself to Zeus as a new God and promised never to steal or tell the lie again. And and Zeus defined his new duties as the God of travel and gave Hermes his wing sandals and his staff and became a messenger to the gods and he showed up in a lot of stories. So many more gods we could look into but I don't want to because they're all fucking so crazy and

ridiculous and gets hard to follow after a while. So just one more. Let's roll the celestial dice and Nimrod has chosen Dionysius. We've mentioned him already. Now let's take a good look. As the God of the vine, Dionysius was closely connected to the earth, since his mother Simili was immortal, he was technically a demigod. Unlike the great vine, he established Dionysius himself, would be dismembered and then resurrected. Fun. God of wine, he could inspire men with lofty visions, to grade them into ravine savages, through his powers of intoxication. He was often accompanied by the maids or the becantes. Things like that, wild women carrying rods,

tipped with pine cones, who serviced his priestesses and worshipers. When Dionysius, mother was destroyed by a zoo, and he was also a mother of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the

king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the the becantes, things like that, wild women carrying rods, tipped with pine cones who served as his priestesses and worshipers. When Dionysius mother was destroyed by Zeus, revealing himself in a flash of lightning, if you'll remember, Zeus took her unborn infant, right, put him in his thigh. That's where he developed. You know, I got his leg birth.

Here I held a grudge after he was born, you know, since Zeus was always cheating on her and he sent the Titans to tear Dineses to pieces, which they did, but it's hard to fucking kill a God. So he's brought back to life by the Titanus Rhea, his grandmother, Zeus saw to it, the Dinesius was, should be protected. Cared forward by mountain nymphs, the God had went on to invent wine

and in time he grew to maturity. Dinesius then set about a mission establishing vine cultivation, and with its mysterious mysteries and rights throughout Asia Minor and India, he met opposition in various places, but those who opposed him usually met with terrible fates. And then accompanied by his little followers, he visited Thebes, which was ruled by King Penteus, his own cousin. Penteus didn't like him.

King ordered the whole group to be chained and imprisoned, although that action was, you know, directly against the advice of his seer, no earthly power could shackle this God in his follower. So they escaped easily. And then Dionysius shattered Penteas' palace and drove him mad. And in his lunacy, Penteas decided to spy on Dionysius as followers and he went dressed as a woman. Out in the mountains, he came upon the frenzied women as they feasted on animals, they'd torn apart.

The miners rushed upon Penteus, thinking him a wild beast. Penteus' own mother ripped his head off while the others tore him limb from limb. On another occasion, Dionysius was walking along the shore and pirates captured him, seen the richly dressed young man as easy source of ransom. On board the ship, the pirates tried to chain him, but their attempt was fruitless because

he kept, you know, shackles would fall off and he can't be chained. The crew was like, dude, I don't think he should do this in where he should let him go. And the captain's like, no, no, I guess I got this, but he didn't have it because Dianisius caused the ship to run with wine and vines and tangled the mass and he'd change himself into a lion. And then he was like, no, I don't want to be a lion. I want to be a bear instead. And then he became a bear.

And then he mulled the captain. And then the crew like, ah, fuck, we gotta go away from this lion bear. And then he jumped off into the water and became dolphins. And then Dionysius resumed his true form and reassured this one guy, this helmet, when it was still in the boat. Like, yeah, I don't even worry about it. It's cool, man. Just keep staring. We're good on the sun and the Zeus. So that's, you know, that's how Dion, it was still in the boat. Like, yeah, I don't even worry about it. It's cool, man. Just keep staring. We're good on the sun's Zeus.

So that's how Dinesias was. There was many other gods, goddesses, and divine creatures living in ancient Greece, and they're too fucking crazy to talk about. Now, it's hero time. Okay. I will say the hero time, if you're like, God, I can't take him or this not, it makes a little more sense than the god stuff. And we're going to get into it right after today's final sponsor.

Times like Brought to you by villains, that new podcast from podcasts, masterminds, evil doers, savages, bad, bad meat sacks. For every hero there is a villain. And as you know, there have been no shortage of villains in this world. This new podcast villains from the podcast network highlights the psychological, political,

and emotional factors that spawn both real and fictional villains. Every Friday villains focuses on a different real or fictional evil doer. For fictional villains, you'll delve into the social influences that lead to the characters creation. For real villains, you'll learn the true story of their dark deeds. Here would drove them to be evil. You'll hear episodes on a variety of bad guys from the Joker, Charles Manson, Darth Vader,

Pablo Escobar, some fictional, obviously some real, all of them villains. So follow villains for free on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. You can visit parkast.com slash villains to listen to villains today. More villains coming up in this suck. Villains, these heroes are gonna fight. The Greek heroes include famous names like Achilles, Alexander the Great, Heracles, Hikaris, Jason. Again, I love just Jason. Odysseus, Perseus, desceus. They all have epic tales. Just gonna share two today. Really kind of three if you count the greatly abbreviated tale of

Jason Argonauts we already did. So two more. We'll start with the great Perseus, the 2010 blockbuster film and remake of the 1981 film of the same name Clash the Titans is about Perseus' adventures. But we're not telling the Hollywood version. Showbiz! We're telling the crazier, much more nonsensical Greek version. And then we'll close with the incredible and also what the fuck is happening right now, tale of Heracles? Let's head to the ancient Greek city state of Argos, or Argos.

King, a crisis, ruled over the kingdom of Argos, but possessed no heir who could take over the kingdom when he died. His only child was a maiden, Denehy, but she could not take the throne he died. So King of Crisis went to an oracle to see if one day he would have a son. And the oracle said that he would have a son, but bad news. No, I'm sorry.

The oracle said that he would not have a son, bad news, and even worse news, you will have a grandson who will kill you. So I don't want, I mean, I hope I don't have one of those grandsons. You know what? More think about it. I need to, I need to do so. I need to eat color in the row. I need to, I need to do so. I need to eat kind of in the row. I need to eat them, right? Just to just or in prison at the very least,

to keep myself safe. Unless I'm learning, that's the main lesson I've learned here. The kids are very dangerous, you know? They're either going to kill you or they're going to make kids that will kill you. Uh, greatly alarmed. The king had an underground chamber built. One was a skylight. And the prison is daughter there to make sure she didn't bear him any children. However, his prison wasn't strong. If you keep out Zeus, that horny, serial raper in the sky, you could see the, you know, see his daughter through the skylight. Zeus's spidey senses got tingling when he heard about it, you know, where sense to beautiful princess chained up. And so he visited Danahee and her bronze chamber

in the form of a golden shower, not kitty. He showed up in the form of some golden rain, and then the godly liquid streamed throughout the roof of the sub-training chamber, came to that little sunlight, went into her womb, and she got pregnant. So basically, I don't even know what to compare that to actually. Nine months later, she gave birth to a son Perseus, then King Acrisius has his daughter and grandson sealed in a chest and cast a drift in the sea instead of making sure he just killed him. Because that wouldn't lead to a good story. So the chest floats off lands on the beach of an island where it's found and opened by a fisherman named Dictus. Being a kindly person,

Dictus took the foreloin Danny He and her infant son home to his wife. The group decides that they would care for Danny He and raised Perseus as if he was their own son, since they themselves were childless. Thus Perseus grows to manhood, safe and sound. Danny's beauty does not fade with the passing years. And this is brother, the Tranical King, Polydectes, wishes to make her his wife upon seeing her, but he doesn't want to be a stepdad when he finds out about Perseus. So he decides to pretend to want to marry another woman instead and he announces we're going to have a big wedding and then everybody has king about to come give him a congratulations gift. And at the gift giving feast, Perseus is the only person present without anything to give his king. No one told him, I guess. So he randomly promises to bring the head of

the Gorgon Medusa back, a monster with snakes for hair. I'm guessing after saying that he's like, what the fuck, why did I disagree to that? Why could I have offered a cleanup after the party or made Whittle a doll on a wood or something? Polidectives loves Persia's as offer, knowing that he would either die in the attempt, you know, for one look from that hideous snake monster turns men into stone, or he would get a coveted trophy with that head, you know, that he could, you know, powerful weapon he could use to turn enemies to stone best gift ever. Also, the king, congratulations party was big ruse because he somehow knew purchase would

choose to do something stupid like this and then he would die. I thought he would, you know, because really he just wanted his mom. Pursuous left the king's hall immediately after his foolish promise set sail for Greece, realizing he's an idiot for green to get King Medusa's head. He was too upset, or you know, to get the King Medusa's head. He's too upset to get say goodbye to his mom and foster parents. Takes off, goes to Delphi to learn the whereabouts of the Gorgans. The Oracle won't tell him, but does direct him to Dada, or Dada, mother, motherfucker. Dada-dada.

Dada-dada, the land of the whispering oaks where he would learn what to do next. And Dada-dada, Perseus learns nothing except that the gods were watching over him. Perseus meets the god Hermes who tells him how to care for an olive tree. And he's like, I don't have an olive tree. And Hermes is like, come on, I'm good at it. If you just listen, you'll have some tasty olives, come on. Now, Hermes tells him that he needs to acquire some equipment from these,

Stygian nymphs, if he wants to succeed on his quest, he needs to get a pair of flying sandals, magic wallet, and a helmet of invisibility. Which, you know, they don't have a target, or someplace like that. So now Percius needs to find the nymphs of Stygian, that's how you say it, not Stigian, Stigian. The problem was that the only,

the three gray sisters knew the way to Stigian to these nymphs. These Nassio ladies live far to the west beyond the river ocean and they had one eye that they shared amongst them. And they also had one tooth that all three of them would also share. I kind of get the eye part.

I mean, one eye better than none for sure. But is one tooth really better than no teeth? I think it might be worse. Now you just got one tooth constantly, you jamming yourself on the gums with. Hermes guides the young hero to them while one of the great women with passing her single eye to another person is Jelonson behind them snatches it. In some version of the story, he held it out over a deep precipice to get their eye back to Gray Sisters have to tell him where the

stygian nymphs live. So they do can't blame them. Right. I think if he was holding that one tooth, they would have been like, I don't fucking care to drop it. Perseus then continues on his road to face Medusa. Hermes guides him along the way. They find some magic sandals, the wall at the helmet.

Hermes also presents Persia's with a very sharp sickle to sever Medusa's head Don't get to the very end and have a dull ass sickle ruin everything Athena is also helpful to persiest she shows him how to distinguish between the three awful gorgans Because only Medusa of the three could be killed Athena also gives persias a mirror like shield that would enable him to see the Gorgons without being petrified. After the lengthy preparation, the hero is at last ready to take on Medusa. With his winged sandals, he flies to the land of hyperboreans, the northern land of those giants, you know, gods, you know, or those giants. I'm sorry, living the good life. There he finds the Gorgon sleeping, gazed into his mirrored shield, per se his approaches them as the Thina guys his handy strikes off the correct

Monsters head with one blow from the blood of Medusa their springs springs forth Pegasus a winged war horse sweet I wish horses spring out of my blood Or maybe that'd be super annoying Probably annoying actually don't wish that can you imagine you get one scratch inside your house and you're like no no no no no no Oh fuck another horse. Oh, my hardwood floors by white carpets. Got to have all these horses? Just get a living a barn.

Quickly Perseus puts the head in his magic wallet, puts on his helmet of invisibility, does so in the nick of time, for immediately the two other gorgons awake, seeing their slain sifted, they set out to pursue and killed her, her murderer, but Perseus has no trouble alluding them because he just flies away in his magic blood horse. Easy peasy. Now he just has to get back, which would not be easy. First, he travels to Gibraltar, flies over Libya and Egypt. During his flight, he sees a beautiful

naked young woman chained to a rock. A lot of weird shit happened in this world. You know, just people chained to rocks all the time. He flies into investigate. This is the princess in drama. She's awaiting execution at the hands of a sea monster because her vain dumbass mom had claimed she was more lovely than the nirids or some nymphs of the sea. Perseus falls in love with her.

Haste of the arranged with her parents. If he can get her off the chains, you know, she's gonna be his wife, right? And they're like, yeah, that's, no, totally, absolutely. And then the monster appears, Perseus lops its head off, freeze in drama. Her going to be his wife, right? And they're like, yeah, that's no, totally absolutely. And then the monster appears, purchase, lops its head off, freeze and drama, her parents are like, ah, never mind. You know, they're like, actually, now that we just think about it a little bit more, there was somebody else we'd given our daughter

to. So sorry about that. Thanks, but you're not take off now. And then he doesn't want to take off. So then they summoned a bunch of warriors to kill him. And he doesn't like that. So purchase, you know, he finds himself faced with, you know, too many enemies to fight in hand-to-hand combat. So he just takes out the Medusa head, turns them all to stone. Also, he turns to stone and draw on his parents. Whoops. I knew it wasn't a good thing when Zeus changed, oh, oh, he, and he, and he turns them into constellations for their treachery. That's right. I knew it wasn't a good thing when Zeus changed a chelisto into a bear earlier, you know, turned into Ursa Major.

Persians then returned with the Andromeda to the island where he'd been raised, finds that his mother, Danahee, and his guardian dictus had fled to a temple hiding from the vindictive king, Poladectis, who's trying to court Danahee against her will. So Persius goes to the king's bank of the hall to find the King and his companions feasting They greet him with insults So he pulls up the Medusa head and changes those motherfuckers into stones. So laugh now stone-faced guys You said something cool like that laugh now stone-faced guys Bear not laughing because your spaces are stone

Get see because you can't you can't you know do things can't move anymore To reward Athena for her aid Perseus gives her the head to wear on her legendary breastplate the Aegis Yes, see, because you can't, you can't, you know, do things, can't move anymore. To reward Athena for her aid, Perseus gives her the head to wear on her legendary breastplate, the Aegis, and he returns the sandals wallet and helmet to the Stygian nymphs by means of Hermes. Still not done. After making Dictus the new king of the island, Perseus sets sail for his grandpa's kingdom of Argus, taking his mother and wife.

He had hoped to be reconciled by his grandfather, King at Christius, but the king no longer rules there, having fled on learning that his grandson, who was destined to kill him, was a hero who was coming back. Before long Perseus, here's the king of Lurissa was going to hold in athletic competition, so he decides to enter. During the discus throwing contest, Perseus's discus is caught by the wind, diverted into a throng of spectators, like a tirelet loose at the Indy 500, where it kills an old man that has not other than his grandfather, King of Crisis. That's the Oracle's premonition fulfilled in a super random and pretty contrived final destination kind of way. Stricken with guilt for killing a family member,

Persia's arranges to exchange kingdoms with an uncle. He's like, I feel terrible. I don't want to live anymore, just trade kingdoms. And the guy's like, all right, it's pretty random. He's king of this new kingdom. He recaptures lost territories, fortifies his city, settles down with the drama, who I guess gets over, him turning his, her parents to stone, and they have a number of sons.

And one of his sons is Heracles, our next adventure. And before we go on, I gotta say that, you know, like Lord of the Rings, those stories are making so much more sense. Like the J.R. are, you know, token, that kind of mythology, so clearly influenced by Greek mythology. I clearly, I so see it. So many over the top fantastical characters, so many random powers, so many inventive monsters.

And I will say the imaginations of the ancient Greeks, pretty incredible, pretty layered and rich Okay last tale for today Heracles Most powerful and glorious Greek hero known by his Latin name as well as Hercules You may have heard of Hercules if you haven't heard of Heracles A man of surpassing strength and coordination and sweet hair He was able to perform superhuman feats and look handsome and cool while doing it He was a son of Zeus and Zeus had arranged that one day, unlike most of his other sons,

he would allow Heracles the chance to become a god. Heracles was a badass, his badass, a protector friend, an advisor to men, also a provider of services for the gods. Like we said earlier, Heracles helped the Olympians defeat the giants, and then later still he rescued the Titan Prometheus from his punishment in the Caucasus or the Caucasus. Heracles was honored throughout Greece and in honor of the great athletic prowess of the Greeks, he instituted the Olympic Games and his life began with a Zeus rape. The last mortal woman the Zeus ever raped was Alchmini, the wife of Thebanin general, M-Fitrian, a woman renowned for her virtue, beauty and wisdom. Zeus selected her, not for his own enjoyment primarily, but because she was also the

best choice for bearing the greatest hero of all time. Heracles was really kind of like the first test to baby, genetically engineered, divine Superman. Well, M.F. Trident was off fighting the battles. Zeus came to the beautiful Alchmini, disguised as her husband and well, he raped her in the same sense. He raped you, you snuck into your neighbor's bed in the middle of the night and had sex

with the neighbor because they, for whatever reason, thought you were their actual partner. Fucking Zeus. No idea how heavy it was. Between sex rounds, Zeus tells Alchmini stories of her husband's war victories. And then when the real M. M. Fightrian arrives home shortly afterward. He surprises wife's lack of interest in his recent military success stories She also seems bored when they have sex. What's going on here?

I don't see now she thought she just had sex with nine months later Alchmini was about to give birth to a strange set of twins on the day day on which Heracles should have been born, Zeus took a solemn oath that a descendant of Perseus, born on that day, would grow to rule all of Greece. And another jealous fit of rage, Zeus's long suffering wife, Hera, manages to delay Alchemy needs delivery by magic. And a Zeus is an early delivery with a woman bearing another one of Perseus's descendants. The result was that the infant, Eurothius was destined to rule Greece. Eurothius, Eurothius, Eurothius was destined to rule Greece instead of Heracles.

But Zeus and his anger made Hera agree that if Heracles should perform 12 tasks for Eurothius, he would become a God. So al-Khmeeni gives birth to those twins. Heracles is born, the son of Zeus, and therefore half God. And then I, I, I, I, I, Fickleys is born son of M. Fetrian and zero percent God.

I wish there was more Jason's in these tales. When these twins were about a year old, here was still being pissed that her cheat and son of a bitch husband sent two serpents to destroy Heracles and his crib. While I, I, Fickicklies, fuck these names, screamed and tried to, I fucking hate these, I hope we don't do another Greek sub. I'm happy that I did this today. I'm glad I'm learning this stuff.

You know what? I will, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, Jesus Christ, even like Roman names are way better than these fucking pieces of shit. Uh, so while this fucking eye-stupid name screams and tries to escape, Herically strangles the snakes one in each hand like a boss baby. When he starts going to school, Herically gravitates towards athletic disciplines, which he dominates. He doesn't care as much for school. He was never that much of a book guy. He also had quite the temper. He got that from dad.

Given a rash act, he ends up smashing in the school of his music tutor with a lear. And after that, his dad's like, maybe we should send him out to the woods. Maybe shouldn't be around as many people. By the age of 18, Heracles becomes the strongest man the world has ever seen. He would have dominated those metrics, strong man competitions, phenomenal athletes, super courageous, pretty well-liked by the ladies. Speaking of ladies, the one Herically's story, a line is killing and fightrians cattle, and Herically's is sent to the spatch of it. While hunting the line, he comes across King Thespias' kingdom, and more importantly,

his 50 daughters, they love the number 50, and Herically's is given consent to mate with all 50 of these women. And from these matings, 51 sons will be born. Dude, it was potent. He was shooting God's sperm. Man, if you're over, he's head and drop the egg. This shit would just wait. Or maybe just barge in, take one, drag it back to the philopian tubes, right, forced their way in. In between shagging sessions, you also somehow find time to kill that lion with his

super trusty olive wood club. Just club hunting lions, no big whoops. Out of the lions, skinny made a cape and a hood, and a lot of depictions of him, he's wearing this lion skin garment, holding that wooden club. All this happens after he'd already established literally his legend. Heracles wasn't always treated like a god, given all these women.

The city of Thebes was once forced to pay tribute to the minion king as reparation when Heracles lived there. When Heracles was met with Herald's hellbent on collecting a tribute from him, he was treated disrespectfully. They treated him like some common, not God guy. So we cut off their ears, noses, and hands, and sent them home. All right, I'll teach him. And then they kicked off a war with the minions at, and they had advantage over thieves, but with the Venus aid and his own reckless confidence, Heracles helps the Thiebans crush their opponents as a reward. King Crayon of thieves gives the hero his daughter, Negara as a wife, and this marriage doesn't work out too well for

Megara. Heracles, here, excuse me, still not a fan of this bastard son of her husband, sends a frenzied madness upon Heracles, and in his madness, he brutally slaughters his wife and children. When he comes to a senses, he's overcome with the horn guilt of what he's done. He contemplates suicide. Finally, he goes to the Oracle Delphi to learn how he could atone for his crime. The Oracle informs him that he would have to submit himself to King Eurythias of Mycenae as a slave and perform whatever tasks his world cousin should command. This is the guy who was destined to become God by, you know, Harris trickery when Zeus

made that decree. Although far inferior to Heracles encouraged and might, you're at this, you risketh, God damn it. You risk this. Had cunning. And he devised a series of tasks that were next to impossible to complete. I'm going to call him E from now on. We got E and Heracles.

E is Eurythias. All right, these tasks are known as the 12 labors of Heracles. But this hero undertook in his 12 years of servitude to the spiteful king. And these labors would elevate Heracles to get, you know what, I'm not. I'm going to force myself to say that word. Eurythias. Okay, all right, all right. Let's fucking power through the end of this.

His first labor was to kill the Nami and Lion, a magical animal with an impenetrable hide. And for a family attacking it with arrows, Heracles finally decides there's a throttle of the beast with his bare hands, which he kills it, carries it back to Myceney, didn't even need that club. Obviously this is a mythological legend,

but can you imagine if a real dude beat a lion to death with his fist, not just a lion, but like the strongest, most fearsome lion. I bet like, if that was recorded, that would be the most viral video of all time. Even like animal lovers, we have to respect it. Even like somebody working at like PETA. They'd be pissed, but also would probably watch it a couple of times.

Eurethus is blown away by how efficient of a killer Heracles is and kind of get scared of him. And for everyone's safety in his own, he makes him kind of stay outside the city after this. Heracles' second labor is to destroy the Lurnian Hydra, a serpent with nine heads and poisonous breath that lived in the swamps and ravaged crops and cattle. Here I thought that line was a formidable foe. Here are these marches right up and flushes the magic snake out of its Hydra layer.

Start clubbing off its heads like a champion. For every head that he just homerun swing, you know, a swat off of his body, two more heads would grow in his place though. So not good. So he has his nephew brand the severed necks after he'd like fucking clubs ahead off, this guy will cauterize it. And with that, you know, technique, they slay the Hydra. And then he uses the Hydra's blood to make some poison arrows because he's efficient. He's like a Magyver type guy guy. The third labor was to capture a deer with golden horns, bring it back alive. And this exploit took here at Clees of Full Year. Probably taking him like just a day if the assignment had been to club it's fucking deer head off

but it's much harder for him to you know keep things alive. Heracles fourth labor to capture a giant wild boar that's been devastating nearby lands on this expedition. Heracles is treated hospitable by the center fullest who opens a barrel of wine for him but then other centers savagely demand the wine and Heracles has to light him up with some arrows for being disrespectful. What do you think in fucking with the ancient Greek Steven Segal? When he brings the bore back, Heracles shows it to King Euristius, nailed it, who was so terrified that he literally trembled in fear, begged Heracles to take the

carcass of the bore out of his sight. Awkward. What embarrass yourself for the strongest man on earth? The fifth labor wasn't nearly as heroic. It was frankly kind of a dick move. begged Heracles to take the carcass of the board out of his sight. Awkward. Way to embarrass yourself for the strongest men on earth. The fifth labor wasn't nearly as heroic. It was frankly kind of a dick move. Euricius asks Heracles to clean the Aegean stables in one day. Tough task because there were thousands of cattle in these stables. They hadn't been cleaned for years. This seemed like an impossible job.

But Heracles, he could be pretty clever in addition to being stronger than the mountain from Game of Thrones And he diverts two rivers into the stalls and promptly cleans up the mess boom Sixth labor Heracles is to drive away an enormous number of birds that were plaguing the people of a nearby land The goddess Athena helps drive the birds from their thickets and Heracles slew them with his arrows with his poison arrows. Seventh labor involves capturing a mad and cretin bull that Poseidon had given to King Minus. Heracles quickly masters the animal, makes it submit to his Alpha Glory, and brings it back to Eurythus. Eurythius, and it's like, well, what else you got for me?

Next, next, Heracles Eighth labor to capture the man eating mayors of diametes. Yes, horses who ate people, because this fucking land is insane. And he accomplishes this by first killing their guardians and then fighting off an entire army. He then serves the horses flesh, diametes himself, king of thrace and some of the god Eri's.

In some accounts, he actually doesn't kill any of the horses and feeds diametes to his own horses. He also rescues you, rescues Queen Al-Qutis, I think, by fighting off death itself, the God, fanatos. I think there's just too many of these words. When she was scheduled to die in her husband's place, get back, death, get back, or you get the club. The ninth labor was to fetch

the splendid girdle of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons. The girdle was given to her by Erie's, kind of, it's just like a crown, like a symbol of her rule. Hippolyta greets Hercules, or Heracles, and his entourage, cordially, agrees to part with the girdle. However, Hera still pissed. Spreads a rumor that the hero was going to abduct Hippolyta, so the Amazon seized their weapons, thinking that the queen was behind the assault, Heracles killed her, and many of the Amazons as well. Bummer for Hippolyta, and most of her soldiers, good for Heracles, because he gets that girdle.

The 10th labor requires stealing the cattle of Garian, a monster on a Western aisle described in some accounts as a giant with three heads in one body, and in some accounts as a giant with three heads in one body and In other accounts is a giant with three actual bodies. Not sure how that works This this guy also had a dog with two heads or threus brother of Cerberus or Cerberus

That guardian of the underworld we already talked about. Heracles slewon, and his dog with that trusty club took all his cattle. On his journey, Heracles also set up the pillars of Hercules. Heracles, god damn it, to commemorate the trip. These were two enormous rocks, one of which is the rock of Gibraltar. The eleventh labor, almost done, considered of getting the golden apples of his spirities. His spirities. They were in a fabulous land far to the west. They were guarded by goddesses on his way to snatch him. Heracles met the gigantic bandit Antios, who forced ranger to wrestle with him and who gained great strength from contact with the ground during their wrestling match. Heracles strangled him by holding him up in the air.

Heracles would have torn shit up in the UFC. He'd been undefeated first round knockouts, right? In every fight. Finally, Heracles reaches Atlas, the father of the Asperities who was holding up to Sky. Atlas agrees to get the apples of Heracles will hold up the heaven to this place for a bit. Being the smarty pants he was, Heracles agrees

and he held up the heavens no problem. His dude was made out of titanium and steroids. Alice goes on to get the golden apples, and then once he fetches them, he decides to let Heracles hold up the sky forever. Lucky for Heracles, Alice was super duper dumb. And Heracles is like, yeah, no problem. I'll keep holding up the heavens.

Can you just hold them up for like a second? If you can just listen, I'll hold this forever. But if you can just hold it for like a second, I can make a few posture adjustments, you know, cause I wasn't planning on holding it forever the first time you headed to me. And Alice was like, not, not, not, that sounds reasonable, listen, fair.

And then when Atlas, you know, holds the heavens back up for a second, Alice just grabs the apples and walks the fuck off. Now the 12th labor. Heracles, 12th and final labor involves retrieving Cerberus from Hades, that three-headed dog, bro, of the dog he'd already killed earlier that guarded the entrance to the underworld.

He was able to capture the dog using only his bare hands. Hermes guided Heracles into the Netherworld. Netherworld, my mouth is fucking going numb. It really is. Like my mouth is legitimately sore from this, from doing this specific suck, from trying to move in these Greek waves for over two fucking hours. Heracles decides to rescue his friend and fellow hero and mythical founder of Athens, Thesius, from the chair of Oblivion since he was down there anyways. Heracles attacks the mantras dog, driving the wind from it, forcibly leads it back to Eurythius, who was so afraid of it he returned the beast back to Hades,

but not before legend has it that guardian of the underworld made it with Zeus' wife, Hira, who made it with Cerbus or Cerbus, to anger Zeus, and then Hira herself would in secret later give birth to both jangles a name that has a rhythm I like. The pit bull protector of the suck would later lose an eye in a leg while taking two thunderbolts from Zeus in the battle of Atlantis.

Why didn't those thunderbolts kill him because he has the blood of the gods in his veins? And if Zeus were to battle both jangles again, he will die for that is what the oracle of Delphi has foretold. The prophecy of the canine king of the suck, who Zeus wounded twice, but who Zeus can never hurt again, who would kill Zeus if he tried. The trist with Zeus's wife may never be avenged. But jangles is immortal and incredibly powerful and uses his God blood to defend the suck. Praise, but jangles long live, but jangles.

No mortal can harm our sweet good boy. Oh, my heck, this is a weird episode. Gosh dang. Back to Heracles with that final deed, his servitude to Eurystheus ends in his pentance for the murders of his wife and children are complete. And he did more hero stuff that if you want to learn about, you can fucking read about him because I am done with his name other than his death. It's a weird death. Ryzen and Payne, Heracles, got like one last God-like rage in by grabbing a random man. This is after he gets accidentally poisoned in this crazy situation.

He flings this guy to the sea, then he begins uproot and pines to build a funeral power for himself. And when it's completed, he climbs upon it, orders it to fire, be set to it. And in some accounts, he sets his own funeral pyre fire. Ultimate tough guy death. He's like, ah, don't worry about it. I'm going to build it. I'll get these trees uprooted. I'll build myself a little funeral pyre. And then I'll push it out the water. I'll hop on it. And then I'll just set it fire myself. As the flames reach his body here, he's vanishes in a blast of lightning.

And that's when he departs back to Olympus to live as the son of Zeus as a god He marries he be the cup air and enjoys his life amongst the gods and There's so much more to Greek mythology. I mean we could go on and on and Thank God we're not going to because I liked so much learning this. I hope you like learning a lot from me, but whoo It's no wonder they have like masters courses in literally just like Greek mythology. Like you can get degrees in this shit. So many stories, so fantastical, so many hardest say names.

Ancient Greece, man, flying gods, flying horses, flying sandals, birds with human tits, giants, you can sack mountains, 50-headed monsters, divine, pretty rapian cities. The gods were petty, abused their powers, fought one another, cheated on one another, interfered with human lives and countless ways, mostly in bad ways, made terrible decisions, countless mistakes, and the ancient Greeks worshiped them. And I guess why not?

You know, that's the only gods you know, might as well try and please them. You know, if you can have crazy gods up there, I guess better to be on their good side, their bad side. And these stories were first told as far back as roughly 5,000 years ago and we're still fascinated. Why? Because we are still are in so many ways just like those crazy ancient Greek gods

and insane species. We still worry about monsters of one kind or another. We still admire reckless bravery to the bloodthirsty courage of warrior heroes because we want to find some of that heroism in ourselves. We want to laugh in the face of death. That scares us all. Human still cheat, rape, quarrel.

We're still paranoid and fight and love and lust and sometimes trust. We still have ambition, regret, feel anger and jealousy and insecurity, everything else. Hopefully we're quite a bit less, you know, insati-uous and rapy than in the Greek world. I'd like to think we've hopefully gotten a little better that way. Maybe there's not quite so many monsters in today's world. Or maybe the monsters just look different. I mean, you know, nuclear bombs, I guess in a lot of ways are much scarier than some weird 100-headed thing. Really, the world in so many fundamental ways is just the same as it's ever been.

The colorful characters of these stories, yeah, they're over the top. The elements underneath, pretty just the same as it's ever been. The colorful characters of these stories yeah, they're over the top, the elements underneath. Pretty much the same. You know, we're still ambitious, still doing all these same things. I hope you enjoyed today's tale. Let's revisit a few points and learn one more little bit of trivia about the Greeks in today's top five takeaways. Number one, the Greek gods are insane. My god they're insane. And I guess since they were made in man's image and based on the true crime sucks we've done so far.

So are we. Number two, thank you Homer and Hestiaid and the other ancient Greek authors for writing all this stuff down. The Iliad, the Odyssey, the Ogony and more. So glad we do have records of these crazy tales. Number three, Zeus, leader of the Greek gods, real monster. Dude wanted to fuck everything.

Whether one of the things wanted to be fucked or not. I wonder if we would have been a better god if you just had a better dad, you know? His dad, Cronus, Aydis, own children. Aydim, be a good dad. Number four, Heracles was a badass, half god, half man, 100% prime Jean-Claude Van Damne. Dude knew how to swing a club, howacles was a badass, half God, half man, 100% Prime Jean-Claude Van Damme. Dude knew how to swing a club, how to punch a line, how to choke out a giant, even held

up the heavens for Alice for a bit before he himself ascended to Mount Olympus. Number five, new info. If you're not a North American listener and you want to get a good, or if you are, excuse me, if you are a North American listener and you want to get a good feel for what a Greek temple looks like, but you, you know, you can't afford it on the time to go to Europe. Nashville, Tennessee, randomly might be your next best bet. The Parthenon in Centennial Park in Nashville built in 1897 is a full-scale replica of

the original Parthenon in Athens, Greece. That fifth century BCE temple built to worship the goddess Athena, patron goddess of Athens, the daughter of Zeus and goddess of wisdom warfare and more, the plaster replicas of the Parthenon marbles found in the treasure room of the national Parthenon are direct casts of the original sculptures. Why Nashville? I didn't know this, but it's one time more common nickname was the Athens of the South. The ancient Greek gods still live so many ways in our modern world. Time, Chuck, tough, five takeaways.

Greek gods has been sucked. I'm literally sweating. Literally sweaty. Oh, wow. that was a lot of info. I hope you did enjoy it. Yeah, man, I mean those stories, yeah, you, you're right, I don't make them, the least crazy you could make them and they're just inherently like what in the shit were they talking about? But again, I do think interesting and it is just fascinating to learn that,

man, that many thousands of years ago, humans were that imaginative. And I don't know, I just, for some reason that, I wasn't expecting that. I expected the, I didn't expect the level of detail in all these tales. Just picture like, you know, thousands of years ago, hearing these around some campfire,

or, you know, in some, you know, city setting, back and more of these city states, especially as a kid, some orator up there telling all these tales about these gods and acting as if they really happened, how blown away you'd be talking to your body. You fucking hear the snake? God, I hope we don't see that thing. Oh, man, I think I can see him up there right now.

Yeah, that must be where Olympus is. Man, this is real to them, pretty insane. Thanks to the time stock team, thanks to Queen of the Suck, Lindsey Cummins, high priestess, Harmony Velocamp, Reverend Doctor, Joe Dick Paisley, men of many nicknames, thanks to the Biddelixer, App Design crew, Axis Apparel, and of course the script keeper, Zach Flannery,

who does such a good job. We have to rein him in now. He's a curious son of a bitch bitch and we are glad to have him. Uh, if you want to meet more time suckers, I keep seeing more, uh, which again, you know, I mentioned before, it feels great. Join the cold to the curious private Facebook group for even more social interaction. Link over to the time suck discord from the time suck app, link for both in the episode description. And next week, we're kind of related, I guess, you know, in a theology sense, but also very different. Doing a Halloween suck on the church of Satan.

Does it actually have anything to do with the Christian devil? What are the myths? What are the facts? Who was Anton Levey? Someone to be feared? Evil guy? Nice guy? What are the rumors? What are the conspiracies about the church of Satan a lot of speculation out there But what do we actually know what it means to be satanic? Oh, it's gonna be a a doc an interesting or maybe not you know people think it is we'll find out Gonna be interesting suck now. Let's uh, let's see what interesting things are going on within the church of time suck on

Today's time sucker updates Let's see what interesting things are going on within the Church of Time Suck on today's Time Sucker updates. Turns out that horrible father-yode music from last week actually really helped out Time Sucker Alissa, who writes, hey mother-sucker, let me preface this by saying I have obsessive compulsive disorder. One of my symptoms is that I get bits of music stuck in my head and hear them over and over and over. This happens to everyone sometimes, but for me it's constant at max volume. And I'll even hear it in my sleep. These songs can be so loud, they literally drown out the sound of my own thoughts.

So normally I cringe when a podcaster either sings, oops, awkward, or plays music because it guarantees I'll be hearing that song on repeat all day long. Today I listen to the source family episode and when you said you're going to play that album, I sighed and prepared for the worst. But not only was it so bad and utterly incomprehensible that it refused to stick in my brain, it even drove out the song that was stuck in my brain at that moment. Thank you, Dan. I think you cured part of my OCD with outside effects. And for far less money than my psychiatrist charges keep on sucking, well, thank you, Alyssa. You know what?

I know I sang some other songs today, so let's help you cleanse just a little bit more. Just get a little bit more father-youted here. So is that help? I mean, maybe we need something a little bit, you know, moves a little bit more? We can skip it up. How about that? Is that nonsensical, no melody at all, whatever music helping you? I know it helps, Joe Paisley.

Oh man, this is all I listen to anymore. He loves this his favorite. Oh my God. That's on the album. That was stuff they decided to record. Thank He loves his favorite. Oh my God. That's that's that's on the album. That was that was stuff they decided to record. Thank you, Alyssa. Time sucker Mason. Spradlin has an interesting stories family cult update. He writes, good morning, evening, afternoon, whatever time of day you are reading this O great suck master. My name is Mason from Tacoma, Washington. First off, I want to

say love the podcast every episode allows me to dive deep into the weird and curious side of my brain. And it reassures that there are others like me. However, I was listening to the most recent episode on the source family cult. And you mentioned that one of the members had joined Jay Z. Knight's group up here in Yelp. It reminded me of a story my dad had told me about him visiting that compound. Now it's not anything weird.

He was a septic truck driver and had to pump a tank out there. He was explaining how armed guards escorted him throughout the compound. He wasn't allowed to look at anyone, talk to anyone, or anything of that nature. He also described a group of people in an almost cattle holding pen, blindfolded, trying to quote, use their spirits to find inner peace in the form of a relic nailed to the fence post. So basic line after hearing this cult shit is weird, man. Anyways, if you read this awesome, thanks for sharing my story. Just now you be interested in some weird shit. My family's experienced. Once again, love the show.

Keep on doing that six suck and you do. Oh, and shout out to my good buddy Tim for introducing me to the cult of the curious. Well, thank you,, thank you Tim. Yeah, so sad that people are still in that cult in the Yelp right now. We've talked about that on the secret suck. Yep, the, that weird, weird Jay Z night cult out there. Being taken advantage of by another false prophet. Quick shout out for an awesome Navy vet space lizard requested by time sucker Amber Bellin. Amber writes, surprise birthday shout out. I know you probably space lizard requested by time sucker Amber Bellin Amber writes

Surprise birthday shout out. I know you probably get a lot of requests like this So no worries if you cannot accommodate But I figured it did not hurt to ask My amazing boyfriend Ron Cunningham is turning 50 on November 12th He's an amazing man who served the Navy for 27 years and has loved and admired by many He's a loyal space lizard tells everyone he knows about time suck Sports stickers on his truck and water bottles and proudly wears his time suck apparel everywhere We go for his birthday requested gifts for mostly involving time suck merch and tickets to see Dennis Bocan a

Little happy 50th Ron would be amazing on the episode that drops November 11th of time allows I know this is not that episode, but happy 50th Ron Happy early birthday from myself and Amber. We do get a fair amount of emails, a ton actually, which we were so thankful for. And I was afraid if I didn't throw this message in this episode, when I saw it, I would just not remember and it would get lost. So happy birthday. Look forward to seeing you at the Spoke Handshows.

Next update from a sucker. This our last update from a sucker who, you know, I want to make sure it remains anonymous. I know if you're listening that you did write your name, but I want to protect you to be safe. This sucker made a tough choice, and I think very much did the right thing. And they wrote, hi, master sucker, I'm new to the cult. I've been binge listening to your podcast and my super boring office job. I've been wanting to reach out to you and thank you for your outspokenness against pedophiles. I know it must seem like the obvious choice, but I myself was in a situation where it felt like I was the only one who thought these sick people

were doing anything wrong. My now ex-boyfriend, who I abrooted my whole life for, moved 90 miles away from home to be with, turned out to be grooming a 13 year old and had over 700 images downloaded onto my computer. I didn't hesitate to report him, though I was worried about what could happen to me since the computer was mine. My friends who didn't know him, well, found it easy enough to denounce him, but for his lifelong friends, it wasn't so easy.

They understood it was wrong, but ultimately, they took his side. And I found myself far away from home without a single friend to talk to you. Sometimes I still doubt whether I really did the right thing, but here and you talk about this issue, it sure is me that I did. It's also something I think all of us should think about. As much as you think certain people or monsters, what if it was somebody you loved and trusted?

Would you really be able to make the right choice? What even is the right choice? Thanks for reading my long message. I could use many more words to express my gratitude. Keep on sucking anonymous. Well, you know what? You absolutely did the right thing. Never help cover for a pedophile. You likely just say to child or several from the unwanted sexual touches of a stranger from a lifetime of bad memories counseling, you know, having to overcome that. You're not a narc. You're a fucking hero. Fuck this person's friends who act like it's not a big deal. It is a big deal.

Nimrod is more than pleased. Sweet sucker. You're the best. You're an awesome meat sack. Have no worries about that at all going forward, keep protecting the innocent, and thank yourself for doing an amazing job, especially surrounded by their friends, which probably made it that much harder to kind of do, but you did it. Thanks for all your messages, Suckers. Thanks for being wonderful meat sex. Thanks for taking a chance today on a strange, strange episode. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. Have a great week, everybody. Sorry if I got irritated for a second about my pronunciations. I tried so hard!

I tried so hard! I want to do such a good job! I want to do a good boy good job! Uh, try not to get fucked by Zeus. And you know what? Why'd you keep on sucking? If you have a chance. If no one, if none of the gods are interfering or anything, you know what? Why'd you keep on sucking? If you have a chance. If no one of the gods are interfering or anything, you know.

What's in nutty stories? Fuck you Zeus! No fuck you!