Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 172 - Colonel Robert L. Howard/2019 Year End Review

Starting point is 00:00:00 South Vietnam 1968, the middle of the night. Thanks to cloud cover and very few lights on the ground, the kind of dark your eyes can't completely adjust to, almost like being underground. Thanks to the southeast, Asian humidity, the air is thick and heavy, heavy enough to affect your breathing. Feels like you almost need gills. Carefully and as quickly and quietly as possible,

Starting point is 00:00:21 a real-life Rambo places a a small heavy rectangular box out of its pouch Robert Bob Howard a man who looked like he was built and not born built in some lab or scientists worked tirelessly for years to create the perfect soldier Broad shoulders buzz cut square jaw Just over six feet tall full of wiring stringy muscles and a steely stair Howard, the future colonel looked like a GI Joe action figure. Someone had enlarged and brought to life. Line in a roadside ditch, Bob could feel the earth shake around him as a Russian or maybe Chinese built diesel truck rumbled towards him. He began to unwind the hundred feet of detonating wire.

Starting point is 00:00:59 He'd snuck in with him, crouching on a drennel and fueled legs. He could hear and feel the vehicle getting closer. He held a metal and plastic box of death. He steadied himself and prepared to throw it. Soon the big troop truck was beside him and he quickly jumped up onto the dusty road, hurled an M18 clay more mine into the back of the enemy truck. Within seconds, the detonator wire was almost at its limit. Bob slammed his fist down three times onto the clacker as the death stapler looking detonator was called an explosion ripped through the night. A North Vietnamese convoy of enemy soldiers and supplies being transported down the Ho Chi

Starting point is 00:01:35 men trail into South Vietnam was suddenly transformed into twisted metal, fire and dead men. Other trucks from the convoy ahead of the explosion sped up and men from the trucks behind it grabbed their rifles and sprang to life as the NBA soldiers looked for the source of the explosion. Robert Lewis Howard, one of the greatest heroes you've likely never heard of snuck back into the dark night and he and his team slip back into the sweltering jungle. Today we tell the inspirational and action-packed tale of one of the bravest soldiers in American history.

Starting point is 00:02:08 We also recap what's gone on here in the Suck Dungeon in 2019, little special end of the decade edition, year in review of Time Suck. This is Michael McDonald, and you're listening to Time Suck, you're listening to Time Sun. You will be staying to talk some. Happy fucking New Year, meat sacks. 2019. It's over, right?

Starting point is 00:02:39 It's not here anymore. As you're hearing this episode, well, maybe you got a, maybe got like a day or two left, but it's almost over. As are the teen years of the 21st century, the 21st century all grown up now, put on as big boy pants, pull on as big girl panties, getting ready for the future, because it's coming.

Starting point is 00:03:00 She is gonna get weird this decade, right? I can feel it. It's gonna get a little black mirror, but hopefully not too much. What is going to happen with medicine and tech? How advanced are robots going to get this decade? What diseases will be cured? How many wacky noodles will illogically twist progress into conspiracy? How many people still won't shut the fuck up about nonsensical concepts like the Illuminati

Starting point is 00:03:22 and the New World Order? How many people are going to be worried about humanoid reptilians controlling our every move? How many doomsday preachers are still gonna be making shitty handwritten signs and yelling at strangers? The God will return on this day, and then that day will come to pass. And some of us, hopefully most of us, will still fucking be here, making the most of our time on this big, bold dirt and sin and pain and love and hope and despair and science and mystery and maybe just maybe A little bit of magic. Maybe a lot of magic. Oh my heck Hail Nimrod. Hail Luciferina. Praise good boy Bojangles. Let Michael mother fucking McDonald's sue you in times of trouble

Starting point is 00:03:59 I'm feeling it today meets Axis suck Nimrod's will strong in me. Yeah, so many us today meet sacks of suck Nimrod's will strong in me. Yeah, so many yoss. Like the legend Dylan Thomas wrote oh so many years ago now, let us rage rage against the dying of the light. I'm Dan Kalman's the fire in Nimrod's eyes, the temptation, Luciferina smile, the fourth leg of Bo Jangles, the song and triple M's heart and you're listening to time suck. Thanks to everyone who came out to the happy murder tour in 2019. It was the best tour in my nearly two decade stand-up career, love ending it here in Spokane where it began with a, I'm hoping for a sold out weekend. I had to record this on Friday in advance to keep ahead on some, some episodes scheduling stuff. But last night show, Thursday night, sold out Friday, Saturday, Friday sold out Saturday, first show. So, looking like it's

Starting point is 00:04:44 going to be my first sold out weekend for like the whole weekend ever in Spokane, which is very exciting for me because 2020, the 20 year anniversary of my first open mic that happened in Spokane, Washington, very excited about the 2020 toxic thoughts tour go to the income is dot TV. Check it out. Link in the episode description. Tour starts in Sacramento in late January, hits Las Vegas, then goes all over the place. Brooklyn, Washington, D.C. Huntington, Beach, California, St. Louis Salt Lake City, Nashville. Oh, so many more stops. Again, please check it out as I work on new material for my ninth album, Fourth Hour Special. The third will come out in 2020 titled Get Out of Here, Devil, more on that later.

Starting point is 00:05:23 And again, Dan Cummins.tv for ticket links, follow me on IG, Dan Cummins comedy for tour announcements and so much more. And now before we get into the year end review, let's, let's suck a goddamn gosh dang legend, Colonel Robert L Howard after his tale, yeah, stick around for an update on the suck. And then how about you stick around for a, for a bigger than normal batch of time sucker updates. Cool. Is that, is that cool? Okay, cool. Let's get into it. Major John L. Plaster, a former United States Army Special Forces officer, a man regarded

Starting point is 00:06:00 as one of the leading sniper experts in the world, highly decorated Vietnam War veteran, who served in the once top secret legendary studies and observations group, a man who co-founded a prestigious sniper school that reigns, that teaches both military and law enforcement on advanced sniper tactics had this to say about Colonel Howard, a man he called the Humble Knight when he died of cancer in 2009 at the age of 70. He said, a 1968 Colonel Robert L Howard fucked my wife. I'll never forgive him. Sure, he was a hero.

Starting point is 00:06:33 But this is my wife we're talking about. Do I respect him? Of course. But it's hard to talk about his Medal of Honor and numerous Purple Hearts and numerous bronze stars without also thinking about walking into that supply room at HQ and seeing my sweet Betty's feet pushed back behind her ears as Bob stuck it to her almost as hard as he stuck it to the VC. It's hard to go on and on about his brave deeds without thinking about Betty, my sweet, sweet Betty.

Starting point is 00:06:56 Telling Bob to stick a finger in her ass and moaning with pleasure. She told me for years that she couldn't come from sex and then in fact a lot of women never achieve vaginal orgasms, but she sure is shit. Achieved on a March 4th, 1968 because I saw it. I heard it and it fucking haunts me to this day. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not right. I'm sorry, that was a good road of notes. Let me, let me re-position.

Starting point is 00:07:18 No, no, no, no, I'm sorry, that was nonsense. That was not what Major John L. Pl plaster wrote about Colonel Howard when he passed away in 2009, but that would, would have been hilarious. This is what he wrote in 1968. Colonel Robert L Howard was a 30 year old sergeant first class and the most physically fit man on our compound. Broad Chester Solida's a lumberjack and mentally tough. He cut it and posing presence.

Starting point is 00:07:41 I was among the lucky few army special forces soldiers to have served with Bob Howard and our 60 man recon company at command and control central, a top secret green beret unit that ran covert missions behind enemy lines. As an element of the secretive studies and observations group SAG, we did our best to recon, raid, attack, and disrupt the enemy's Ho Chi Minh Trail network in Laos and Cambodia. Howard was magnificent. Take all John Wayne's films, throwing Clint Eastwoods too, and these fictions could not measure up to the real Bob Howard. Officially, he was awarded eight Purple Hearts, but he actually was wounded 14 times. Six of the wounds he decided weren't bad enough to be worthy of the award. Keep in mind that for each time he was wounded, there probably were 10 times that he was nearly

Starting point is 00:08:30 wounded and you get some idea of his combat service. He was right up there with America's greatest heroes, Davey Crockett, Audi Murphy, Alvin York, the inspiring example we other green berets tried to live up to. What would Bob Howard do? Many of us asked ourselves when surrounded and outnumbered, just a handful of men to fight off hordes of North Vietnamese to call him a legend is no exaggeration. Take the time he was in a chowline at American base and a Vietnamese terrorist on a motorbike tossed a hand grenade at them.

Starting point is 00:09:04 While others leapt for cover, Howard snatched an M16 from a petrified security guard, dropped to one knee, expertly shot the driver, then chased the passenger a half mile down the road and killed him too. Holy shit and hail, Nimrod. Do you have the courage and the grit to pull off something like that? I'd love to say, oh yeah, I want to say calm and got those guys too, but I fucking doubt it. A lot of people will say they're courageous. Very few people know for a damn fact that they're courageous and Colonel Howard was one of those courageous meat sacks for a fact.

Starting point is 00:09:38 Also since I don't know who they were, I figure many, you might not either. Audi Murphy and Alvin York were also American military heroes. Alvin was one of the most decorated soldiers in World War I. Alvin was one of the most decorated soldiers of World War II. We can do a full suck on either one of those dudes in May one day, but not today. Today, we're talking about the legend, Colonel Robert Howard. Let's get to know him in this last time-sub timeline of 2019. Shrap on those boot soldiers.

Starting point is 00:10:10 We're marching down a time-sub timeline. On July 11, 1939, after listening to some Independence Day fireworks while chilling in his mama's womb the week before and probably saluting the flag in utero, Robert Lewis Howard was born in the sleepy south Alabama town of Opalika. The town of roughly 30,000 now, but only 8,000 in 1939. A town as part of the greater Columbus, Georgia statistical area used to be a real rough little railroad town. In the late 19th century, Opalika's's downtown was packed with saloons catering to railroad workers and other men,

Starting point is 00:10:50 frequent gunfire in the streets by intoxicated patrons resulted in railroads directing their passengers to duck beneath the windows when their trains passed through the town of Opalika. Damn, can you imagine some Amtrak train conductor telling that today? How insane that would be. All right, everybody. I please have your attention for a moment. We were about to pass through downtown Opalika. So please, for your safety, we suggest that you should all crouch down near the floor. We lost about six passengers a month to bar fight gunfire heading through

Starting point is 00:11:23 here. I got my job. Thanks to that gunfire five years ago when the previous conductor was shot by a guy mad at another guy for insinuating that his mother wasn't a virgin before meeting the man's father. Please duck down below your windows. An opalika town known more for textile mills and saloon shootouts in the 1930s. The son of Charlie and Martha Howard was born. Bob had at least one sister, and I think only one sister. I don't know if she was older or younger.

Starting point is 00:11:51 I wasn't able to find any reference in any of the main sources, the many sources, listed in the show notes to this suck. Only one biography was written about Colonel Howard, and I don't even wanna name the title or the author, because that's pretty shitty. Took about 30 minutes to read, more of a pamphlet than a proper book and it doesn't really give any details about his life that can't also be found on a variety of military history

Starting point is 00:12:14 websites. And that's, I shouldn't really, you know, again, I didn't want to name the author because I don't want to disparage them. I just don't know that, you know, any in-depth interviews were ever done with him before he passed. And I don't think any in-depth interviews have been done with his family since he passed. Bob was barely old enough to walk when his father joined the fledgling U.S. Army paratroopers along with four uncles of whom two would soon be killed. His father would also later die of wound suffer during World War II shortly after the war. And his death,

Starting point is 00:12:44 of course, left a heavy mark on young Bob. Growing up poor in the rural south, Bob and his sister picked cotton to help support his mother and maternal grandmother and Bob in addition to growing up as the man of the house, also became a star football player in high school. Winning a full scholarship to college in 1956, full scholarship for football, huge deal for a young man whose family is so poor. He has to work from early childhood On to help support his widowed mother and also his grandmother who's living in the home and Bob turns it down Why?

Starting point is 00:13:14 Because according to numerous sources all Bob cared about at this time was quote weed pussy and whiskey over the next several years Bob was father four different kids with five different women and get high enough to go permanently blind, which would make his later war achievements that much more impressive. And of course, that has not since. Get out here, Luciferina, go on, get out. Jesus Christ. Bob turned down a full rights scholarship because all he cared about was serving his country and honoring the military legacy of his dad and uncles.

Starting point is 00:13:44 Bob was raised to be a Southern Christian gentleman. He detested vulgarity, which meant, what of, you would have not cared for some of the things I've already said here today. You would have hated this podcast. But that's not going to stop me from honoring him. He said, sir and man, please, and thank you. Care more about honor and valor than money and status. His word was his bond.

Starting point is 00:14:01 He was a man who believed that your character was your action. Dude, walk the fucking walk. Didn't have time for blowhards and phonies. Didn't have time for hubbub, govetygook. Right? So shit, shit, I don't have to pot. He's that kind of guy. We knew all too well about, you know, or he knew, excuse me, all too well about the high

Starting point is 00:14:17 price one could pay for fighting for your country and he was ready to pay it. The legend begins July 11th, 1956, just nine days after his 17th birthday, Bob goes to Montgomery, Alabama, and then lists in the army. After completing his basic training, he volunteered for parachute training at Fort Bending, Georgia, only a stone throw from his hometown of Opalika. After completing the rigorous training there, Howard earned his coveted jump wings and was assigned to the legendary 101st airborne division an excellent soldier howard quickly climbed in rank in nineteen sixty five howard was deployed to Vietnam for the first of what would become five tours five

Starting point is 00:14:56 tours of now where he would see heavy heavy action during his first tour bob was wounded when a bullet ricocheted struck him in the the face. I forget to shot in the face. Now, he wasn't remotely deterred from future fighting. The bullet would lead to the first of eight purple hearts, and Bob would receive, yeah, eight purple hearts over in Vietnam. While he was recovering in a field hospital, he had a chance meeting with the wounded special forces soldier, and that meeting would change the course of his career in life. He quickly recovered from his wound. At the end of his first deployment, Howard was rotated back to the United States, and he was itching to get back to Vietnam.

Starting point is 00:15:32 As soon as possible, he volunteered for Special Forces, and then he found himself at the infamously difficult Fort Bragg North Carolina Training Center. An intelligent man Howard was also described by many who served with him as one of the most physically fit men in any unit in the military. Numerous different authors and soldiers who served with Howard described him this way. Military historian Vance Garrison said, Howard was a strong, strapping young man. He was built like a lumberjack and looked like something you would see out of a Hollywood casting office if they were casting for a man who looked apart of the heroic soldier.

Starting point is 00:16:04 It is no surprise that he would later see minor roles in movies, specifically cast as an instructor in John Wadens, John Wadens, the Green Brace. Howard actually appeared in Small Rolls and Two of John Wadens films. He was also a paratrooper in the World War II D-Day drama The Longest Day. A hard-charging physical fitness advocate Howard would later have the local Montennyard tribesmen running around and doing calisthenics on later tours back in Vietnam. The Montennyard, by the way, are the indigenous peoples of the central Highlands of Vietnam. The name Montennyard means people of the mountain in French.

Starting point is 00:16:37 His dedication to fitness undoubtedly would save his life numerous times, it would serve him well in the Special Forces brutal qualification or cue course, where he apparently dominated. After completion of his long and difficult training, Howard was awarded his coveted green beret assigned to the fifth special forces group, soon as he was back in Vietnam on a second tour where things quickly got interesting. Shortly after arriving in Vietnam, a fellow green beret by the name of Joe Walker, along with his recon team, had been overrun by enemy fighters, and Howard came to his rescue. Walker who was seriously wounded was hiding with the Montenegro Warrior.

Starting point is 00:17:11 The Montenegro's hated the communists and were close allies to the Green Berets. Howard took a dozen men and inserted by helicopter into the area, but due to heavy enemy presence, they couldn't engage the Vietcong in a straight up fire fight and had to hide out until dark. When Bob Howard felt the coast was clear enough to move from his position, his unit spread out and staying low, he began to search for their comrades. Was long before they came upon bodies of men who had clearly died in a fierce fight to the death, Howard began feeling around the darkness for some sign of life when he came upon a familiar skinny leg.

Starting point is 00:17:42 He felt upward toward the face of the body and his hands found Walker's signature horn rim glasses. You sweet mother fucker Walker managed to whisper and then Howard carried Walker to the LZ the landing zone where they were flown to safety in a helicopter. Just knowing that Bob was ready to come and get you meant a lot to us said special forces recon team leader Lloyd Daniels. Yeah, crazy man. Save Joe Walker. Save that fellow Green Beret right there. In early 1967, Howard performed so well as the young leader of a Green Beret unit.

Starting point is 00:18:14 He was assigned to the highly secret and ambiguously named Military Assistance Command Vietnam Studies and Observation Group, MACV-Sog or just SOG-Sog for short. Sog was a highly classified multi-service United States Special Operations Command Task Force created on January 24th, 1964 by the Joint Chiefs of Staff as a subsidiary command of the military assistant, assistance command Vietnam M-A-C-V. It was the best of the best. That's all that really matters to know. Best of the best unit would eventually consist primarily of personnel from the United States Army Fifth Special Forces group. The United States Navy Seals, the United States Air Force, the Central Intelligence Agency, CIA, elements of the United States Marine Corps Force for Connissence Units, which conducted

Starting point is 00:19:00 covert unconventional warfare operations prior to and during the Vietnam, right? Multi military divisions and there was each sending their best soldiers to form this, yeah, like, like, like, kind of a fucking movie division. This unit conducted strategic reconnaissance missions in the Republic of Vietnam, aka South Vietnam, the Democratic Republic of Vietnam, aka North Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. Sog carried out the capture of enemy prisoners, rescued down pilots, conducted rescue operations to retrieve prisoners of war throughout Southeast Asia, and conducted clandestine agent team activities, and even psychological operations.

Starting point is 00:19:37 Again, the best of the best, baddest of the bad. I'm pretty sure Bo Jangles served in Sogg during Vietnam. Actually, I'm positive. He formed and led their canine division, some of the toughest and baddest dogs in the world. Pit bulls, rotwilers, German shepherds, Australian labored ittles, like penny pooper and ginger bell. Mm-hmm. Penny and Gigi, I'm pretty sure their breed of doodle was created for Saga in Vietnam.

Starting point is 00:20:00 I can totally see Penny and Ginger kicking so much ass in the jungle. Yeah, right. Penny almost got killed by a small deer in her yard last year and Gigi almost has a psychotic break. If anyone around her raises their voice past a comforting reassuring volume or move suddenly or looks at her weird, they're the weakest dogs in history. Howard Sogg unit participated in most of the significant campaigns to Vietnam war, including the Gulf of Tonkin incident

Starting point is 00:20:25 Which was used by the Johnson administration to escalate the US's involvement in what was up to that point called the Vietnam conflict Howard would spend the rest of his time in the Vietnam War as a Sogg operator would go on to become the most highly decorated American servicemen in the war and in fact Still one of the most highly decorated servicemen in history He would go on to become the only American servicemen to ever be nominated three times for the nation's highest military honor, the congressional medal of honor, and in only 13 months time too. You know, let's talk about what he did to get those nominations, but first just for context, let's take a look at some of the US military awards, Howard won for his valor and combat.

Starting point is 00:21:03 Right? Awards, I'm sure many of us have heard a lot about, and awards I'm sure most of us don't know shit about. In order of prestige, they are the Medal of Honor. The Medal of Honor is United States highest and most prestigious personal military decoration that may be awarded to recognize U.S. military service members who distinguish themselves and acts of valor. The medal is normally awarded by the president of the United States in name of the Congress

Starting point is 00:21:28 because the medal is presented in the name of Congress. It is often referred to informally as the congressional medal of honor. There are three versions of this medal, one for the army, one for the Navy, one for the Air Force, personnel of the Marine Corps and Coast Guard received the Navy version. The Medal of Honor is the oldest, continuously-issued combat decoration of the United States Armed Forces. It was created by the Navy for the Civil War in 1861, originally named the Medal of Valor, an Army version of the Medal named the Medal of Honor, established 1862, to give recognition to men who distinguish themselves, quote, conspicuously by gallantry and intrepidity. Intrepidity.

Starting point is 00:22:07 Intrepidity. God damn it. His word, no one fucking says anymore. You get it. The honor, right? Valor. In combat with an enemy of the United States, the president normally presents the Medal of Honor at a formal ceremony in Washington, D.C., which is intended to represent the gratitude of the US people with posthumous presentations made to the primary next of kin.

Starting point is 00:22:30 According to the Medal of Honor Historical Society of the US, there have been only 3,517 medals of honor awarded to the nation's soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and coast guardsmen since the decorations creation, with almost half of them awarded for actions during the four years of the American Civil War. In 1990, Congress designated March 25th annually as national medal of honor day. Due to its prestige and status, the Medal of Honor is afforded special protection under U.S. law against any unauthorized adornment, sale or manufacture, which includes any associated ribbon or badge.

Starting point is 00:23:01 So big, don't try and rock this one if you're going to try and pull off some bullshit stolen valor. Big no, no. To try and use this one. Because of the need for extreme accuracy, the nomination process for the Medal of Honor may take an excess of 18 months. In a nutshell, the selection process goes like this. First, witnesses to the action are interviewed.

Starting point is 00:23:21 Sworn statements are taken. It's not easy at all to get this medal. Next, the prospective nominees commanding officers submits the nomination up to the action are interviewed sworn statements are taken. It's not easy at all to get this medal. Next, the prospective nominees commanding officers submits the nomination up to the up the chain of command. If more than two years have elapsed since the active valor occurred, a member of Congress will have to nominate the prospective recipient. Throughout this time, a series of officials will look over the documents, decide whether or not to pass the nomination package along with an approval or suggest the nominee for another lower ranking award. The distinguished service cross is a likely alternative being the second highest medal awarded for valor. If the package moves through the army channels, it will need to pass through the army, human

Starting point is 00:23:55 resources command, manpower and reserves affairs, chief of staff of the army, secretary of the army, secretary of defense, and then the president. The president has the final say, right? It goes to all those desks. And then in other words, oh, yeah, huge fucking deal. The most recent recipient of this award to my knowledge is Master Sergeant Matthew Williams. President Trump presented the award

Starting point is 00:24:17 to Master Sergeant Williams on October 30th of this year. Williams, a Green Beret weapon sergeant from Third Special Forces Group, was presented the award for his actions going above and beyond the call of duty during an April 6th 2008 mission and nurse and province Afghanistan that came to be known as the Battle of Shock Valley. Thank you for your service, master sergeant Williams. May you live a long life and never have to list anyone talk shit about soldiers or talk to our movies or chew to loud at restaurants or smell farthar and airplane.

Starting point is 00:24:43 But for real, hope life is magical for you after the valiant service you provided for the rest of us. Now let's talk about this next award, the Distinguished Service Cross. Singular Service Cross is a super, super easy to get award. I've gotten three or four for just saying nice things about soldiers. JK, JK, oh my heck, super prestigious. The Distinguished Service Cross, second highest military award that can be given to a member of the US Army and previously the United States Army Air Forces and the US Air Force for extreme gallantry and risk of life and actual combat with an armed enemy force.

Starting point is 00:25:21 So yeah, tough ass qualification. You have to blatantly risk your life to get one. Actions that merit the distinguished service cross must be of such a high degree. They are above those required for all other U.S. combat decorations, but don't quite meet the criteria for the Medal of Honor. The distinguished service cross is equivalent to the Navy Cross, for Navy and Marine Corps, the Air Force Cross, for of course Air Force personnel, and the Coast Guard Cross for those who serve in the Coast Guard.

Starting point is 00:25:45 Unlike the Medal of Honor, these medals and all following medals are awarded by the respective branch, not subject to the lengthy nomination process of the Medal of Honor. The Distinguished Service Cross was first awarded during World War I, most often presented by senior officers in the field. The Distinguished Service Cross distinct from the similarly, the distinguished service cross distinct from the similarity similarly named distinguished service metal awarded the persons and recognition of exceptionally meritorious service to the government of the US in a duty of great responsibility, the distinguished service cross only awarded for actions in combat where the service metal has no such restriction.

Starting point is 00:26:21 Next up is silver star was can do a couple of these. The Silver Star Medal is the US Armed Forces' third highest personal decoration for valor and combat. It's awarded primarily to members of the US Armed Forces for gallantry and action against an enemy of the US. The gallantry displayed must have taken place while in action against an enemy of the US, while engaged in military operations involving conflict with an opposing foreign force or while serving with friendly foreign forces engaged in an armed conflict against an opposing armed force in the US. So yeah, so unfortunately I can't get one for dressing up in military uniform and taking out, you know, personal enemies, even if I do a really good job and make a super cool shot since I'm not in the military and I'm not fighting a member of an opposing armed force.

Starting point is 00:27:06 Instead of the Silver Star, I would be put in prison for murder, which is way less glamorous and prestigious. Finally, the Silver Star is awarded for singular acts of valor or heroism over a brief period, like one or two days of valor, one or two days of battles, excuse me. Okay, two more. Bronze Star and the Purple Heart. The Bronnstar Medal is awarded to members of the US Armed Forces for either heroic achievement, heroic service, meritorious achievement, or meritorious service in a combat zone.

Starting point is 00:27:36 Whenever the Medal is awarded by the Army and Air Force for acts of valor in combat, the V device is authorized for wear on the medal. And whenever the Medal is awarded by the Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard for Axe of Valor, or Maritoria Service in combat, the combat V is authorized for wear on the metal. That device is a small bronze capital V,

Starting point is 00:27:54 clearly visible on the metal, or ribbon when worn. Officers from the other uniformed services of the US are eligible to receive this award, as are foreign soldiers who have served with or alongside a service branch of the US Armed Forces. So that's very cool. That we can give that award out to, you know, foreign soldiers who are fighting as allies. So villains serving with the US military in combat also eligible for this award, which is super cool. For example, a reporter, Joe Galloway

Starting point is 00:28:21 was awarded the bronze star with a V device during the Vietnam War for rescuing a badly wounded soldier under fire in the battle of Le Drain in 1965. Hail Nimrod. This act was portrayed in the 2002 Mel Gibson film We Were Soldiers, where Galloway was portrayed by actor Barry Pepper. Another well-known civilian recipient was a legendary Nobel Prize winning author, Ernest Ernest, Ernest Hemingway for actions that he undertook as a war correspondent in France during World War II. Man Hemingway, man, known to be very tough son of a bitch. Might have to do a Hemingway suck. That would be an awesome story. Guy died night, oh, last military award to describe today, the purple heart, the one

Starting point is 00:29:01 you never want to get, the one Bob Howard received eight times. The purple heart is awarded in the name of the president to those who have been wounded or killed while serving on or after April 5, 1917 with the US military, including its four runner, the badge of military merit, which took the form of a heart made of purple cloth. The purple heart is the oldest military award still given to US military members. The only earlier award being the obsolete fidelity medallion. The badge of military merit was a, has been around since 1782. Some dude named General George Washington designed it and awarded it. And I was wondering too,

Starting point is 00:29:38 like I wonder if General George Washington is related to President George Washington. It's weird that during the Revolutionary War there was a dude named President George Washington. It's weird that during the Revolutionary War, there was a dude named General George Washington and then right after the war, there was a dude named President George Washington. And they both sound super cool. I also was wondering if anyone, if anybody stopped listening to this episode just a few seconds ago, what they were thinking.

Starting point is 00:29:57 You know, I'm just thinking, how the fuck does he not know that General George Washington, President of Washington are the same dude? Jesus! One dude's name wasn't general are the same dude. Jesus. One dude's name wasn't general and the other dude's name wasn't president. The general became the president, fucking idiot. But back to Howard.

Starting point is 00:30:12 He went eight purple hearts. It was actually wounded in battle, 14 times, as we said. And Howard was awarded all these medals, some multiple times. The medals we just went over. All right. Give you an idea of this guy's overall military experience. Now back to the timeline. November of 1967, Howard is honored for the first time with a Medal of Honor nomination,

Starting point is 00:30:31 a company-sized hatchet force needed insertion to destroy a large weapons and rice cache in southern Laos. A hatchet force was a special operations team of America and South Vietnamese members of SAG who carried out small covert operations along the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Hatchet Forest unit specializing search and destroy missions, locating a missing American servicemen. Cool ass name, by the way, to Hatchet Forest, no weak links in a Hatchet Forest. If an magical scenario, I was to serve in war and it would be super brave and useful

Starting point is 00:31:03 and I knew I would be okay, you know, which I know automatically makes me not brave for wanting this fantastical guarantee in that scenario. I would want us to be serving in hatchet force as opposed to serving in like a wet noodle force or a chicken gumbo force, not nearly as impressive. You find one of those hatchet forces? Holy shit, that's awesome. Yeah, I find a, I find a force too, man.

Starting point is 00:31:25 I was a, I was a, I was in a wet noodle force. I mean, we didn't really fight per se, you know, because no one really fights in the wet noodle force. It was our job to kind of come into an area after all the fighting was for sure done and we would hide. And if people saw, you know, you know, found us or whatever, like in our hiding spots, you know, we would just immediately surrender. And then hope those people would tell us that the war was in fact long over. And if, and if, you know, they would tell us that it was long over, it was our job as a wet noodle force member to constantly say, like, but are you sure? Like your shirt's all over, like you're sure. And then we beg and stuff and kind of plead. And then, you

Starting point is 00:32:00 know, we first keep doing that until no one would talk to us anymore. And then that's how you, like, that's how you would know for sure, for sure, that it was all done. Thanks to the, thanks to the, I'm going to show myself out. Any who, the side of the hatchet force, or the site, the hatchet force, excuse me, wanted to destroy was already under surveillance by a saga recon, or recon team, and Howard volunteered to land another team and lead the force to the link up with the first unit. Heavy fire greeted the hatchet force, damaging several helicopters,

Starting point is 00:32:26 but the team still managed to land and Howard then guided them between the numerous NBA patrols scouring the area. After completing the link up, Howard and his men slipped back into the jungle, scouting for potential ambushes. That's when he found some unsuspecting enemy soldiers, cut him down with his M16. Moving again from the base of the hill, Howard and his unit were almost mowed down by enemy machine gun fire, coming from an earthen bunker, almost invisible

Starting point is 00:32:49 with all the layers of leafy vegetation camouflaging it. Howard's team returned fire as best they could, but then an NBA sniper pinned them down. 28 year old Howard was like, fuck that. He crawled closer towards the enemy, machine gun nest, even though he had to expose himself to sniper fire to do so. And the sniper did fire on him and then Howard killed the sniper with counter fire.

Starting point is 00:33:10 A muzzle flash from the trees up the hill, Howard locked his sights onto where the muzzle had flashed, fired a burst, pulled a seamow, hi-ha, waited for the enemy to expose themselves before quickly taking them out. The NBA sniper who was up in a tree was dead before he hit the ground, continuing towards the machine gun nest, Howard charged it, totally exposed firing towards it continuously, then shooting its occupants at point blank range, fucking Rambo. It was a real life Rambo. After taking out this bunker, this nest, more enemy machine gun fire rang out from another bunker further up the hill, moving his team up Howard called in for air support.

Starting point is 00:33:46 A bombing run was made in the position appearing to silence it. Howard crawled up to the hill alone to check the results. Suddenly more machine gun fire opened up. The bombing hadn't taken them all out too close to move away from this, you know, next NVA machine gun next without exposing himself to being cut down. He had to crawl closer. He's alone now separate from the other men. He crawls closer until the NBA gun barrel was literally six inches away from his head,

Starting point is 00:34:11 flame spouting tracer, shooting at his team. And that's when Howard flipped a grenade through the position's narrow firing opening. Then a second later, he was, you know, a shower with huge chunks of dirt from the blast that killed the enemy soldier inside. And you might think that this is what got him nominated for that medal. Nope. Just warming up this day. After taking out the sniper, after taking out two separate machine gun bunkers, basically alone, after shooting other enemy soldiers in a prior firefight, earlier that day, Howard then engaged with more NBA combatants. More NBA truths began to invade the area after Howard took out the second machine gun nest.

Starting point is 00:34:47 Suddenly Howard's hatched force, hatched force unit was seriously outnumbered. Howard and his men fell back, retrieved an M72 light anti tank weapon, a law, and returned. Howard stood up in the firefight for better aim as bullets were zinging all around him. He sends a rocket streaking into an enemy bunker. The position ruptured into a fire pit stunned NVA remaining on the hill abandoned their positions thinking that a much larger force had moved in leaving the cash side to be destroyed and just, you know, taken out mission accomplished. Do was like an over the top 80s action movie hero where you find yourself looking to the screen being like, oh, come on. Come on.

Starting point is 00:35:25 Too much. Who just stands there and just, you know, and just shoot all these guys. And then what? Like none of the bad guys can fucking shoot. Can none of these bad guys aim? Just stand in there. Really? No one hits him. Like this was his real life. Wasn't over the top movie. This is documented. Numerous witnesses witnessed all of this, right right they had to for these metal nominations. Howard was recommended for the Medal of Honor wasn't given it incredibly for that it was downgraded to that you know second highest decoration for valor the distinguished service cross and how not says that right like you have to do all of what he just did and you don't get the best metal like you get the second best because it's just so hard. Like the bar is so high to get these metals.

Starting point is 00:36:07 Howard's second medal of honor nomination came a year later, November 1968. He landed with another hatchet force to lure NBA forces away from a CIA team, operating deep in Laos. This is some intense like movie shit. For days, their journey was oddly uneventful, almost iry and it's calm, as the unit made

Starting point is 00:36:25 their way along road through tangled jungle and moonscapes of bomb craters. Howard in the experience, NCOs fighting with him that day knew something had to be up. It felt like they were being drawn into an ambush. The force leader and inexperienced captain shrugged off warnings, continued pressing onwards. Just as they were about to cross another field ahead of the column, halted. A young lieutenant radioed back to the mountain yards were begging him not to walk into the field. The captain rejected their pleas told everyone to keep moving forward. This is like a scene out of platoon or full metal jacket now, where you're watching some

Starting point is 00:36:56 dickhead, you know, leader and you're like, fuck, come on, don't do me a fucking idiot, dude, you're going to get your guys killed. What are you doing? Stop it. He didn't stop. Lieutenant kept everyone marching forward, keeping low, Howard ran up to the lieutenant and said, What are you doing? You're going to get your guys killed. What are you doing? Stop it. He didn't stop. Lieutenant kept everyone marching forward, keeping low, Howard ran up to the lieutenant and said, can't you see them? There's an enemy in that wood line over there. The lieutenant shook his head. He didn't see anything.

Starting point is 00:37:14 He doubted Howard did. So Howard said, okay, I'll kill two and then you'll see him. Then he raised his rifle, ticked off a shot and enemy soldier fell dead to the ground. Now the lieutenant saw them. And in a second, he'd feel them. A storm of return fire leaped out at the hatchet force from the trees. They all hit the ground before taking cover the lieutenant was shot. Seeing the lieutenant wounded, Howard performed first aid on him, took shrapnel and his back and legs from a rocket propelled grenade at RPG as he applied turnickets.

Starting point is 00:37:42 Right. He's getting hit as he's helping. Once he stabilized the lieutenant Howard retrieved a lot a few mountain yards and then led them in a charge against a new target that emerged. It was a PT 76, a Soviet built amphibious tank in another part of the woods. It had vectored its machine gun fire directly at Howard and the mountain yards as they closed in. Howard dodged between trees to get a shot off as the tank's gun continued to track him. Finally, he's able to flank it and fire the law into the boat shaped vehicles turret and explosion and a rain of sparks.

Starting point is 00:38:13 Missed, uh, marks the hit dead center yet the gun keeps firing. Howard fires another round just below it, right? More hissing flames, turning out of the fractured turret. Now it's silenced. Dude just hid behind a tree popped out to a couple shots of fucking tank, destroyed it, Wolverines! You usually get that reference so you don't. Bojangles got it.

Starting point is 00:38:33 He's one of his favorite movies, The Original, not the remake. Fucking team Swayze forever. As the day wore on, the Hatchet Force continued to fight against growing odds, seeing dozens fall dead or wounded. They struggled to establish a defensive perimeter, Howard himself got wounded again by enemy fire. As a Medevac, a medical evacuation helicopter approached, the enemy drew a bead on it, peppered its olive skin with dozens of holes and began to slip sideways, right?

Starting point is 00:38:57 The pilot fighting for control at Lumberta, few seconds more than crashed in flames, some 300 yards away in the same wood line, where where that NBA had returned fire earlier, not good. Watching a crewman leap from the shattered bird and then collapse Howard actively bleeding from some earlier wounds ran alone into the field towards the crash site. Bullets crisscrossed it and nipping at him as he forced his battered body to reach the burning he we he makes it checking over the crew. He realizes one of the door gunners was dead and the other was unable to move is the pilot helped a wounded co pilot free from the crash Howard lifted the injured door gunner into his arms.

Starting point is 00:39:32 That's a grown ass man. He's fucking picking up told the pilot to follow him stay close to the ground. What was left of the hatchet force provided cover fire is Howard led the men in runs back across the field carrying a dude while wounded, fell in rows several times, right? Not from taking cover, but just from exhaustion. Finally reaches the safety of another meta vac. Howard still, Howard was urged to get on board this chopper, but refused. He refuses because his unit is still under fire.

Starting point is 00:39:59 They're still in a firefight and he wants to help. The wounded Howard fights the rest of the day with his unit, then sleeps in the jungle that night, then fights the next day blood stained and tired. The second day he surprises three NBA soldiers, kills two, tackles another, who he brings back as a prisoner for interrogation. And again, he's fucking wounded during all this. This prisoner tells them how many enemies they'd faced, or that they were facing, excuse me, a battalion of roughly like 500 troops

Starting point is 00:40:26 was lurking around them. While a regiment of another 1,500 troops was gathering to march towards them from position just a few miles away. A hatchet force, you know, oftentimes has this few as 16 dudes in it. They were slightly outnumbered. None of the sources reveal exactly how many men

Starting point is 00:40:43 fought alongside Howard during this conflict. I'm guessing it was more than 16, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Despite suffering only a minor flesh wound, meanwhile Howard skinned been perforated over 50 times by shrapnel from enemy fire. He has 50 like chunks of shrapnel sticking at him at this point. His clothes are shredded. He still wants to fight fucking Rambo. The captain did in fact, Medevac himself out, leaves Howard and the remaining NCOs, non-commissioned officers, if I haven't already said so, to run the show, the force manages to survive yet another night in the jungle surrounded, outnumbered, right? Howard calling the shots. The next day, Howard, the remaining men successfully extracted after more firefights for these actions, Howard nominated again for another Medal of Honor, and he didn't get it.

Starting point is 00:41:42 And that fucking crazy, after all that, he didn't get it. It was downgraded. This time it was Silver Star, third highest award for bravery. The captain who was extracted a day before that guy nominated himself for a distinguished service cross and he got it. Fucking politics. Okay, so stitched up and put back into action again

Starting point is 00:42:02 only a few weeks later. December 28th, right after Christmas, 1968, Howard was placed as a second command of a large-sized hatchet forest led by Lieutenant Jim Jerson. They were sending on what was called a bright light mission to Cambodia, trying to recover a missing green beret. Landing under fire, the force pushed the NVA back and engaged several more clusters of enemy fire before reaching the base of the hill where the missing man's radio beacon was sending a signal Howard mudder to jerson that they probably get ambushed but there was no way in hell they were leaving a man behind so

Starting point is 00:42:32 they headed up that hill sure enough NVA were waiting for them they open fire explosions and gunfire rock the mountain hitting jerson Howard and several other hatchet members Howard would later recall there were five that were killed near me during the ambush The blast blew me back and upside down. When I finally came to I was blown up in a crump on the ground My weapon was blown out of my hand. I can remember looking up and seeing red. I couldn't see I said a prayer and hoped I wasn't blind I knew I was in a lot of pain both my hands were hurting and I couldn't get up I was in a lot of pain. Both my hands were hurting and I couldn't get up. After a few minutes, Howard's vision began to come back.

Starting point is 00:43:08 And by the way, what happened to him in the situation, his hands were badly burned and a bullet hit ricocheted and hit him in the fucking head, like in the forehead. That's why his vision is blurred. He said, blood was running down my face under my eyes and that's why I couldn't see. I smelled the most horrible smell. There was this big flame and there was smoke and there was people screaming and hollering. Dude had woken up in combat hell. The screams were the screams of wounded and dying mountain yards who Howard was hearing

Starting point is 00:43:36 and smelling being burned alive by an NBA soldier with a fucking flame thrower. Gima has that holy shit. You're fighting in a tropical jungle so very far from home. You never know where enemy fire is going to come from, you know, and then there's quiet hill, your climbing up, you know, becomes alive with bullets and explosives. You get hit in the head, you get blown unconscious by an explosive blast. Shrapnel's cut up your face. You know, you got the bullet ricocheted into your head, your cut up all over your hands

Starting point is 00:44:03 or all burn up. You wake up to the screams and smell of men who are, you were just fighting with literally being burned alive with a flame drawer. What the fuck do you do? You start digging with your hands and hope to start a new life inside the earth with the mole people, some wacky little stink or living beneath us. You run around crying to scream, please, could someone please find my mom? Please, I really want my mom, please. They're God. I'm guessing no one really knows what they're gonna act. You know, what they're gonna do in a situation like that

Starting point is 00:44:31 until they're in it. I never want to find out. Robert, mother fucking Howard knew how he would react though, like a dude with giant stone balls. That's how, this is how Howard would describe what happened next. The guy walked over to me and was getting ready to burn me. The lieutenant was badly wounded, about five feet from me and he, the guy with the flame thrower, paused between the two of us.

Starting point is 00:44:52 Although Howard had lost his rifle, he still had an M3-3 fragmentation grenade, but he always carried attached to his gear. He took it every time he went to the field, just in case he ever found himself in a situation exactly like this. Right, M33 fragmentation grenade. Howard felt for the grenade, found it, and then as soon, and then as he held in his hand and pulled the safety pin, the NVA stood over him and the two men, and this type of grenade by the way, is when you watch movies like Platoon and Full Metal Jacket, the little round green

Starting point is 00:45:18 one, it's exactly what you're thinking of. And then this NVA guy standing over him, the two men are staring each other, these two NBA soldiers for several seconds before the one moves away, shouting commands at his comrades as Howard grenade now sales towards them. After he hears the explosion, unable to walk because of his wounds, he kills these two guys, then pulls himself, drags himself to a badly wounded lieutenant, Jerson, and with terribly burned hands begins to painfully drag the six foot four inch 220 pound injured man back down the hill to cover knowing they would never make it undetected. Howard hides Jerson in some vegetation tries to make it the rest of the way alone.

Starting point is 00:45:55 Now to go get help. Crawling on his back, he bumps into a log on the other side of the log is laying in a young American soldier who was frozen in fear and terror watching this whole scene without ever firing a shot as enemy soldiers begin to close in on those two guys, Howard and this other kid, Howard tells the soldier to give him his weapon. I mean, reading this shit is more exciting. Like, when I first started reading, I mean, just now, you know, I mean, telling you guys now, more exciting than watching the best action, like warmly they've ever seen.

Starting point is 00:46:23 It blows me away how calm and collected this dude was in heavy action. How brave and tough. I probably would have been that young soldier frozen with fear. I mean, I would hope not, but shit. The stuff is terrifying. The young soldier gives Howard his pistol. Howard immediately fires it and kills an NBA soldier who was so fucking close at that point that he falls on top of Howard dead.

Starting point is 00:46:45 Seconds later, fire from the rapidly advancing enemy strikes an ammunition pouch on Howard's belt. He gets shot, hits his belt, sets off a number of rounds in it. Then he says, here I am thinking that I was blown up again. Remember Howard? As a quote, green American troops watched the desperate scene from behind cover, to frighten the return fire. Howard recalled, I ran out of ammo for the 45, the pistol that other soldiers had given him. And it got kind of confusing at that point. Fading in and out of consciousness now, Howard again

Starting point is 00:47:15 drags Lieutenant Jerson farther down the hill until he runs into a wounded medic. Howard orders him to keep going and keep the lieutenant alive. Howard then orders three other medics that were close by to stop trading the wounded and set up a defensive perimeter around them to get every able soldier inside of it. After making sure they had managed to do that, the terrorly wounded Howard, who by that time is running purely on adrenaline, tells the gathered men that I've got bad news and I've got worse news. The bad news is that a viper just bit me in the dick. The worst news is that two of you are bit me in the dick. The worst news is

Starting point is 00:47:45 it to or you are going to have to suck out the venom. And then the guy's like, why, why, why two of us? Why can't one guy do it? No, that's not right. That's not right. That's ridiculous. He told the gathered men, you all are going to fight or die. That's just real quote. You all are going to fight or die according to major John L. Plaster, right? One of the men who fought with him at this time, I quoted him earlier, the obituary writer or the guy who read that, you know, after Howard's death, he said that hopeless was not in Howard's vocabulary. I love that.

Starting point is 00:48:15 Hail them not. We're just talking about hope and hopelessness last week. Fuck yeah, we were if you abandoned hope, you might as well abandon plans for continuing to breathe because in a sense, you're already dead. Howard always had hope. The medics Howard had just held a, or just, you know, made to set up that defensive perimeter. They're able to locate three strobe lights, which Howard orders put around their position in a triangle to mark their position for air support, but air support wouldn't become for quite some time. After four more hours of intense fighting, several Air Force pilots volunteer to fly in

Starting point is 00:48:45 an attempt to rescue. Before the pilots can arrive, Howard's small group is hit with another massive attack. This assault is so devastating that Howard called in a suicidal air strike, air strike, literally within a few feet of their position. Basically, just shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot right where we're at. And hope that you get a bunch of enemies. Miraculously, it works. He and his men are not blown up along with the enemy. Helicopter, circling nearby are able to finally get in and extract Howard and his band of survivors, not many left. Here's some intense info of the 37 men that Howard pulled

Starting point is 00:49:17 together into that perimeter. Only six would fly out alive. Six out of the 37 and from the 37, that was, you know, from the original fighting force, which the numbers weren't given. I'm assuming it was much, much larger. And the end only six get out. Howard ensures all his men are on board before he hauls his broken body, hallucinating, mercifully passing out before reaching the hospital because of his bravery and competence in leading his men in the face of overwhelming odds. Howard has awarded a direct battlefield commission.

Starting point is 00:49:45 He's promoted from Star Trek First Class to first lieutenant right then and there. Reviewers read the after-action reports of his heroism within cred- uh, incredulity. I think I need, I didn't prep that word. God, fuck, I hate that word. Anyway, they're like, I don't, I don't know, I don't buy it. The report sounds like something coming from the imagination of a Hollywood screenwriter, not from real life, right? They're, I don't buy it. The report sounds like something coming from the imagination of a Hollywood screenwriter, not from real life, right? They're doubting it.

Starting point is 00:50:06 But it happened. Howard nominated for another Medal of Honor. Of course he is, and this time he gets it. On a sunny day in Washington, DC, you know, many months later, he and his wife and young daughter, Robert Howard stands silent as president Richard Nixon drapes the congressional Medal of Honor around his neck. He would later recall, I can remember the president walking up to me with the metal of honor in his hand and then he took it and he put it around my neck and he said, Captain, are

Starting point is 00:50:31 you okay? You're looking pale. Then this incredibly heroic man says, sir, I don't know if I'm going to pass out or not, but I think my heart just stopped beating. Well he just smiled and said, this great country appreciates you, Bob. Man, love this dude. All the shit he did for his country, you know, this is giant stone balls on the battlefield and he's still humble, still getting nervous to meet the president, still, still, you

Starting point is 00:50:52 know, nervous to be recognized for his heroism. After the Medal of Honor, ceremony was completed. President Nixon asked him what he wanted to do, the rest of that memorable day, lunch with the president, a tour of the White House, almost anything, and Howard said he wanted a sword fight. President Nixon looked alarm to secret suck, he just started to move towards the two men, Howard reassured them, saying, no, no, no, not an actual sword fight. Just you and me, peeing in the same toilet at the same time, crossing our streams, that kind of sword fight.

Starting point is 00:51:20 For my dad passed away, he said he hoped someday a sword fight in the White House bathroom with the leader of the free world and today I'd love to honor him And of course that's not what Howard asked. That's my mental illness manifesting itself as constant ludicrous flights of fantasy. No This is what Howard asked the president. Yeah, simply to be taken to the tomb of the unknown soldier to share his thoughts Quietly with others who had gone before him. That's some heavy shit quietly with others who had gone before him. Man, some heavy shit. Tragedically, the US media reflected the anti-war sentiments of the day did not say much

Starting point is 00:51:50 of anything about Howard, about his valiant deeds about him getting that award. By the time he received the Medal of Honor, he was America's most highly decorated active duty servicemen and almost no one knew who he was. Had Howard fought in World War II instead of nom, he would have gotten a lot more press. He'd have been heralded to hero. I'm sure a lot more people would know about him today. By the time President Nixon awarded Howard his medal, he'd served in five tours,

Starting point is 00:52:13 spent 58 months in combat, and been wounded 14 times. Okay. Let's go back to the Vietnam. Now, despite his lack of recognition, Howard went on to serving to the best of his ability. He actually, after the war, after he's served in the war, after his five tours, he became a training officer at the Army's Airborne School, then went on to Ranger School, graduated in class 773 in May 1973, serving with the second Ranger Battalion at Fort Lewis, Washington as a company commander. He continued to excel at everything he did, making distinguished honor graduate in his office advanced course class.

Starting point is 00:52:47 From 77 to 78, he served as the Mountain Ranger Training Instructor. As if all that wasn't enough, he also found time to earn two different master degrees. He later served as an officer in charge of special forces training at Camp McCall in their Fort Bragg, North Carolina. And later commanding the Mountain Ranger Training Camp at Delanaga, Georgia, where he did his most to inspire young students, where he did his utmost to inspire young students. Howard Stramer reference was saw a hard combat, the toughest kind against terrible odds with impossible missions.

Starting point is 00:53:15 He knew good men would die or fail in combat without martial skills, tactical knowledge, physical conditioning. Howard now in his 40s was famous for leading runs and long distance rucksack marches stronger than men half his age, usually he outran his entire class of students. A whole generation of army special forces and rangers earned their qualifications under his shining example with some graduates among the senior leaders of today's special forces and ranger units. His highest assignment was as a commander of special forces detachment Korea. He might have gone even higher, but he dared to publicly suggest that American POWs had been knowingly left in enemy hands and was willing to testify to that before Congress in 1986. After he retired in 1992 at the age of 52 as a full

Starting point is 00:53:59 colonel, he went through multiple surgeries to correct the many, many injuries he'd suffered over the years After retirement Howard cannot stop helping GI's he spent another 20 years working with the Department of Veterans Affairs Helping disabled vets. He had a reputation for wrangling his superiors and as an unapologetic advocate for veterans Over the years his fighting spirit never waned in 2004 at the age of 64 he sat with the green berets at the first special forces group at Fort Lewis, Washington, who laughed and cheered when he joked about still being tough enough to take on any two men in attendance and beat their asses. I've seen videos of this dude at this age and I think you might have been right.

Starting point is 00:54:38 I think you might have taken him. He's built like a fucking machine. He's like a fucking SkyNet built him. After retiring from the VA, Colonel Howard often visited with American servicemen to speak about his combat experiences, making five trips to Iraq and Afghanistan. In the fall of 2009, at the age of 69, despite recently being giving a death sentence by doctors, he still flew halfway across the world, visited troops in Germany, Bosnia, and Kosovo. Despite increasing pain and sickness,

Starting point is 00:55:05 he had pain-creatic cancer. On Veterans Day 2009, just over a month before he died, he attended a memorial ceremony. Pain-creatic cancer, by the way, one of the most aggressive and lethal of all cancer, it's a real motherfucker. Only 5% of those diagnosed live for longer than five years. And that's in Western nations with access

Starting point is 00:55:23 to the most advanced medical care. And it's very painful, notoriously painful. And his final days in a hospital in Waco, Texas, in December of 2009, old special forces and ranger friends slip past and no visitor to sign hanging from his hospital room door to see him. When sog vets, Ben Lines and Martin Bennett and a civilian friend Chuck Hendrix visited him, Howard climbed from his bed to model the uniform jacket he would be buried in. Best tune with the Medal of Honor, Rose upon Rose of Ribbons, a proud master perishutist and a military skydiver. He showed them the polished jump boots he'd been working on and asked Bennett to touch

Starting point is 00:55:59 them up a bit more with a spit shine. Though his feet might not be visible in his coffin, he wanted the shine just right. The fucking class, this dude exuded, legend until the very end. Talk about facing your desk with dignity. Holy shit, dude was ready to meet his maker. He wanted to look good in that coffin. His Howard's old battle partners left, Colonel Howard, thank Bennett, then saluted him with his hand-hilled crispy to his, crisply to his eyebrow until Bennett returned it, and then Colonel Bob Howard passed away two days before Christmas. By all accounts, he was an especially bad patient. He was a nightmare for his nurses, refused to take painkillers.

Starting point is 00:56:38 He would often swill them around, then spit them out after the nurse left, after the nurse left. This toughest of tough son of a bitch wanted to be clear headed and elucid until the very end and he was just dealt with the pain. After his family had been told on several occasions that Howard had only hours left and he kept proving the doctor's wrong. Finally the head of the one of the world's most, you know, or the one of the world's most dangerous soldiers, or a man who became a peaceful gardener in his spare time in his last few

Starting point is 00:57:03 years. He finally fell sideways onto his daughter, Missy Shoulder, right? The daughter who was there for all of it when he was when he was in the hospital there, an America lost what was arguably one of their greatest warriors ever. Having lived the last years of his life in Waco, Texas upon hearing the news of his death, Governor Rick Perry issued a statement saying, Howard was the braveest soldier I ever met. His unshakeable commitment to freedom, displayed in countless episodes of battlefield gallantry, live on in the actions of our military men and women who continue to serve and hostile

Starting point is 00:57:35 conditions overseas. Two months later, February 22, 2010, America's greatest unsung hero was finally laid to rest among his few or his fellow fallen heroes in Arlington National Cemetery, given full military honors. I would hope he was given full military honors. I mean, if Colonel Robert Howard didn't qualify for that, who would? Two years later, November 3, 2012, the St. Clair County, Alabama, economic development council celebrated the opening of the new Colonel Robert L. Howard State veterans home. St. Clair County is the little northwest of Howard's boyhood home county of Lee

Starting point is 00:58:10 County. 2014 Howard was announced as a recipient of the United States special operation commands bull simons excuse me bull simons award for his lifetime achievements and special operations. Arthur bull simons had been a heavily decorated army special forces member who'd also fought in Vietnam. And even though his name graces the lifetime special operations achievement award, he wasn't nearly decorated as decorated as Howard. And not saying that to disparage Bullseymans at all, it just illustrates how truly special Robert Howard truly was.

Starting point is 00:58:41 And that takes us out of today's time suck timeline. Good job, soldier. You made it back. Barely. What a legend, right? Time sucker Zach Martin did the preliminary research on how it had a long time time ago glad I could finally share his story today great job zack i didn't know if there was enough info on how to do a full two hour suck on him but i'm glad i could you know work it in today. They're just you know sadly not a lot of info on this incredible hero really inspiring man to to bravely face so much battle to bravely face his own death to give so much back to veterans and servicemen and women to handle himself with such class and courage and dignity is entire

Starting point is 00:59:30 life reminds me that Chester puller sucks sucks 60 from November of 2017. They just don't make meat sacks like Chester or Robert very often. Dude, that's such an admirable life. No scandals, no period of falling into drug abuse or degeneracy of any kind. You grew up with that a dad lost lost a dad, several others to war, could have kicked back on campus, been the big man right now at that full football scholarship while others went to fight. Nope. Enter the army at 17 couldn't wait to get to Vietnam, engaged in more firefights than maybe arguably anyone else did in that war, came home to a social climate that didn't fucking care about veterans, staunchly anti-war, stayed in the military, dedicated the rest of his

Starting point is 01:00:09 life to the military to fighting for veterans, you know, literally until he was bedridden the last few weeks of his life with pancreatic cancer, spent his last few days hoping he'd look sharp in his coffin, fucking legend. Few years before he died, Robert spoke to a graduating class of infantry leaders and this is one of the messages he gave them. You young men, your word is your bond, but your character is your actions. You have demonstrated the character that the four fathers bequeathed you that made this great nation the week out today.

Starting point is 01:00:41 Never surrender your weapon and face the enemy. Man, I picture him saying that with some steel in his eye. And I'd like to tweak that message into one for all of you, right? For myself too, never surrender your dreams and face your life. Hail Nimrod! Before going on to our top five takeaways for today, not our first of two, just one, but it is a double feature of sorts. Let's do a rundown of the most prestigious metals. Colonel Howard was given, right?

Starting point is 01:01:10 Do was awarded the Medal of Honor Distinguished Service Cross Silver Star Defense Superior Service Medal, four Legion of Merit Metals, four bronze stars, eight purple hearts, three Meritorious Service Metals, three air metals, joint service commendation and seven army commendation metals. And he could bench press 3000 pounds without warming up and he could shoot an apple off an eagle's head while a flu from two miles out with no scope, wall blindfolded and he had two dicks, one for everyday use, one for special occasions. And it is now time for top five takeaways. Time, suck, tough, right takeaway.

Starting point is 01:01:47 Number one, Robert Howard retired from the US Army after 36 years of service as a full colonel and as the most highly decorated service member on active duty. Number two, Howard died on December 23rd, 2009 at the age of 70, were he mostly about his boots and his uniform. How they would look at his funeral, he now rested already into National Cemetery Section 7A grave 138. If you ever want to stop by and pay your respects. Number three, once wounded so badly, he couldn't walk.

Starting point is 01:02:20 He demanded that a frightened soldier give him his gun, which he did, and then Howard immediately shot an enemy soldier standing so close that the man fell on top of Howard. Number four, dude once stood up, hold an M72 light anti tank weapon, a law in an active firefight, risking being shot by bullets, whizzing past him just so he could get a better shot off against the enemy. And he did destroy the enemy Wolverines. Number five, a new info.

Starting point is 01:02:47 Robert also sounds like he was a great dad. Before he died, his lone son, Robert Jr. was interviewed by the Columbus ledger inquirer 2006, while he was in basic training at Fort Benning, Georgia. Robert said this about his father, I admire him greatly for everything he's done. My dad is a hero. Agreed. In addition to his son, Army Sergeant Robert Howard Jr. He was survived. Howard was survived also by three daughters, Melissa aka Missy, Roslyn and Denise. Howard Jr. served in the Army for six years, including

Starting point is 01:03:16 a 15 month deployment to Afghanistan with the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team. Also served as a special forces member three generations of Howard's fighting on behalf of America. I think the Howard family for their incredible service. Time suck tough five take away. All right. Now on to the next part of today's suck. A little look back on how far the suck came in 2019. A little peek behind the curtain for anyone interested on what goes on here at the suck dungeon

Starting point is 01:03:48 here at Bad Magic Productions. Before we talk about projects or victory, struggles, plans, all that stuff. Let's have some fun at my expense. We haven't done the itts of the internet segment very much recently. So let's do a special edition of the itts of the internet right now.

Starting point is 01:04:04 One where the Internet right now. One where, you know, the suck roast itself. Let me just push this button and just, well, let's just get into it. It is the Internet. For today's Edit Tell the Internet, let's look at some 2019 time suck one star I-Tune reviews. I think it's a good look at your critics from time to time, right? Thickens your skin. Sometimes it really does help you improve.

Starting point is 01:04:32 You're not supposed to feed the trolls, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun. Let's do that right now. I like to use their put downs to inspire me to push forward. On December 17th, Ang for one, we'll kind of work backwards here, through the here, some of these reviews. On December 17th, Ang for one, left to one star review with the subject line of confused, right?

Starting point is 01:04:55 And how did this podcast get five stars? I'm not saying it's terrible, but this guy loses track of what he's talking about constantly. Sounds like he's babbling about whatever comes to mind. Also, the fact that he thinks Hillary Clinton would feel bad about killing someone over Trump is someone is baffling. I think he meant someone is somewhat baffling. Do you even pay attention to politics? If not, you should stay off the topic. Well, first off, Ang for one, you are saying this podcast is terrible. Hence the one star rating.

Starting point is 01:05:25 So let's just fucking be honest. And babbling about whatever comes to mind by babbling, do you mean reciting 25,000 plus words of crafted research every week? I think maybe the jokes are throwing you. I'm guessing that you're not a real big thinker. And what are you talking about with the Hillary and Trump shit? I'm guessing I've talked about Trump and Hillary less than maybe any other podcast host out there the past three years.

Starting point is 01:05:49 Like I intentionally stay away from it because there seems to be a lot of other people talking about it. No shortage of media attention dedicated to dissecting Trump's every tweet and previously discretizing, you know, everyone of Hillary's emails, etc, etc. And also why are some Trump supporters? Emphasis on some, like Ang for one, the most sensitive motherfuckers who have ever lived. My God.

Starting point is 01:06:15 If you can't handle one person mentioning Trump or any other politician, and less than glowing, he or she is God's gift to the universe, terms, making an appointment with your fucking counselor. You need to have your head examined. I've never seen this before. Not with Obama or George W or Clinton before that I was too young. People love those presidents too, but they didn't lose their goddamn minds when anyone

Starting point is 01:06:39 just hinted at any kind of dissent. He's a president, not a fucking dictator. Jesus. It's calm to fuck down on the political front, right? Be passionate, but maybe don't be insane. You know, are you related to him? All right, is he one of your business associates? Does he pay in your kids' college?

Starting point is 01:06:57 No, then why the fuck do you care that much? Jesus, I've never understand it, right? And I get like being respectful of the office, but then there is fanaticism. Then there is being intolerant of criticism. You know who's truly intolerant of criticism? Fucking dictators, cold leaders. Come on. It's not, it's not, it's not making that crazy anymore.

Starting point is 01:07:16 It's lightening the fuck up about that stuff. Next up, country third, and now I'm gonna get more fucking reviews just because I dared fucking, you know, hinted any semblance of dissent of King Trump. Uh, next up, uh, Cuncy 13. That's spelled November 8th leaves a one star review writing great comedy, however, then Cuncy lets me have it writing. This guy makes fun of child sex cults and sex trafficking, calling it conspiracy in nonsense. People like this

Starting point is 01:07:46 make me sick. There are communities of people out there that actually come out of this with scarring from this stuff and you just crap all over it. Of course, they don't find evidence on the surface. They hide. Get your head out of you know where and stop telling people their idiots and conspiracy theorists coward. Okay, Concey. First off, let me just start this by saying that you're an idiot and you're a conspiracy theorist, all right? And I just, I can't respect anybody

Starting point is 01:08:15 who says pull your head out of you know where. Say fucking ass you child. Also, remember that one time when I said that child sex cults and sex trafficking was inherently funny. Remember that? Remember when I did that? Remember when I made fun of the victims of child sexual abuse? Uh, nope. You sure don't because I never did that. What I did do, Kansi, you fucking idiot and conspiracy theorist,

Starting point is 01:08:35 is make fun of people who ignore the people who are the vast majority of sexual abusers. People like, I don't know, dance, uncles, some moms, priests, voice scout leaders, the dude next door, right? The grocery store clerk, fucking coach, the janitor, right? People who are obsessed with this notion of large scale satanic sexual abuse cults. Why do I make one of those people? Because I painstakingly pointed out over and over that there's no evidence that these big satanic, ritualized sex abuse cults have ever existed.

Starting point is 01:09:03 People get molested all the time by other regular-ass people. Well, not regular, fucking pedophiles, who appear to be regular-ass people, who are not in weird cults, who are just, you know, living lives in fucking Diddlin. So yeah, so the accusations, yeah, they have, there's been paranoid. They've been, been paranoid, conspiracy theorist,

Starting point is 01:09:21 horse-hit, concye idiot. Did Epstein maybe cover for other powerful wealthy people who sexually abused minors? Yeah, of course. But he wasn't doing that to please saying, wasn't doing that as part of some baffamate, centric ritual. That is what I've been making fun of

Starting point is 01:09:34 if you've been paying attention which you have not, Concei. And I'm loving this by the way, this is fun. I like getting fired up. This is very cathartic as well for me. I hope you're enjoying it as well. Next up, June 5th, St. Judas left one star review with the subject line of unbalanced. Then they wrote,

Starting point is 01:09:49 the content is as advertised a fun waste of time. However, this man continues to repeat firmly rooted in Cold War propaganda. He will claim to be unpolitical until any leftist ideas are brought up. Then he calls everyone with these ideas stupid. It's just super annoying to see someone try so hard to get on Joe Rogan. Well, this big deal said to this. You sound like communist. I like you. You want to jerk soft calming the shamecock alongside the chickatillo, Russell, filthy capitalist, the American scum pigs together. Seriously calm down snowflake, right? I love this by the way I can pick the reviews from you. I love that like some people will leave one star reviews

Starting point is 01:10:30 saying that I don't like Trump, which I don't. And then other people will leave one star reviews talking about how I'm just I hate the left. And I do hate a lot of the left as well. That's that's what's tricky about this. I'm surprised I don't get more one star reviews because I don't like fucking either side. I don't like people on thestar reviews because I don't like fucking either side. I don't like people on the far left and I don't like people on the far right. I don't like, I shouldn't say people. I don't like their beliefs, their political beliefs.

Starting point is 01:10:56 Maybe that's a little better. But seriously, I don't shit on any leftist ideas all the time. I don't think like, I shit on communism. I guess if that's what you consider to be leftist, it's never fucking worked as well as capitalism. That's why I shit on it. Power corrupts and the communist government has way too much fucking legislative power. Sea-stellens Russia, Sea North Korea, Sea Castro's Cuba, Sea the former East Germany. It doesn't seem like a bunch of happy places to live. Also, Jill Rogan, what the fuck are you talking about?

Starting point is 01:11:21 I love when people just put their own, like realities onto something that does not match that. Like this person has some weird view of me, like, oh, I just do this all to get on Joe Rogan. Do you remember that one time when I just begged you guys to have me on Joe Rogan? I don't, that doesn't happen, it didn't happen to my memory. Right, time suckers have asked me if I'd like to be a guest

Starting point is 01:11:46 on Rogan's podcast. And yeah, of course I would. He's a fucking king of interview podcast. He has the biggest audience of any podcast. He's a pioneer. But I've never like once hung around the comedy stores is, oh man, I hope I can fucking meet Rogan. I've never messaged his producer or just, oh come on man, put me on. Right. I've never asked a comic to put a word in to have me on a former manager made it her goal to get me on, which didn't happen.

Starting point is 01:12:07 Oh, well, I don't care. I still think dude's amazing, but I'm not fucking begging to get on his podcast and I never will. Because we don't need it. I don't need it here. I focus on content and hope the word of mouth gets me some exposure and so far it has

Starting point is 01:12:20 and it's so far it's gotten enough. But okay, according to this dude, that's all I want to do. Okay, this next one's a three star review, but it's written like a one star review, and I think it's worth sharing. April 3rd, legal violence posted a subject line of fascinating topics, poor comic. And then they wrote, and there's a variety of all caps in here, which is always this fun. I very rarely write reviews. However, this podcast is all caps extremely frustrating. Dan Cummings, the host does it a quote, all caps, you get amazing job with the topic each week. And I would

Starting point is 01:12:55 give five stars. If not for the presentation of the show, Dan talks all caps very, very fast and makes jokes that relentlessly fail. I'm not quite sure why he doesn't present the product in a serious light from fake sponsors to all caps terrible accents. In the habit of laughing non-stop at his own jokes, I just can't get on board and find myself often lost between fact and fiction in his stories. All calf be ready! Do hit rewind constantly because he speaks rapidly and imitates accents while yelling random things that are genuinely confusing. I hope he reads this review because he can have a phenomenal show if not for these small

Starting point is 01:13:42 things holding him in his show back, all caps slow down and present your show properly. Love the word properly. I have yet to laugh once during an episode. And I'm not trying to bash you. I hope I enjoy the show when I understand what you're trying to say. It's just all caps way too much sarcasm and I don't know when to take you serious.

Starting point is 01:14:11 I'm fucking angry is about the joke. If there were a similar show without the jokes that fall so short, I would switch to it because the topics are amazing and entertaining. Okay, all right, you got me, you got me, legal violence. Okay, I hope you're still listening because thank you. I did take your advice and I created a similar show that I've had for a few months now. I want you to subscribe. It's called the serious suck for dumb fucks who hate fun. Go look for it.

Starting point is 01:14:43 You should check it out. I think you really enjoy it. It's all the facts from time suck. Slowly recited with no humor, no passion, just like a junior high book report. There's no dumb jokes, there's no terrible accents, there's no fake sponsors, there's just straight facts. Resided with proper pronunciation, proper.

Starting point is 01:15:00 Like a morning news anchor, reading a teleprompter when someone has a gun to their head. Just someone who hates joy. Did you pick up on that sarcasm, legal violence? You fucking lunatic. You delusional weirdo. Time suckers in the comedy section of the podcast. I've made a living as a comic for two decades. Some people do like it.

Starting point is 01:15:20 A lot of people, you don't. That's fine. That's fine that you don't. So how about, I don't know, instead of trying to change a clearly established podcast produced by someone who's been doing this shit a long time, how about you just find something else? That's such a weird thing when people do that. And I see that on bands and stuff,

Starting point is 01:15:37 on their reviews, on their albums and things, where some random username gives somebody, not just like I like it or I don't like it, but like this career advice written as if the person might take it seriously. Like this person who fucking wrote this, actually think that I might read them like, you know what?

Starting point is 01:15:57 I know this podcast has a big audience and a lot of people write in every week as shown in the time circle based that they enjoy it. What if I took away all the things that made it unique and just followed the advice of the guidance counselor who I never hired legal violence and the consultant that I never wanted and just completely redid fucking everything at their behest. Like do they actually think that their voice is that powerful? Legal violence, don't ever write a review

Starting point is 01:16:29 ever again for anything. Just focus on your own life. No one fucking cares what you think about anything. Oh, what the fuck? I hate people like that. I've literally never done that ever once in my life, and I hope I never do. Hey, you know what?

Starting point is 01:16:43 You should do. Person who does something that I don't do. Here's a lot of advice that makes no sense. Fuck, unsolicited advice. It's always been one of my biggest pet peeves. What are you talking about? And it's amazing, amazing as a comic, how much you get. From like random family,

Starting point is 01:16:59 Hey, you know what you should do? Insert, should I've never considered? Like for fucking two decades now. Hey, you know what? What if you, hey, what if you shut the fuck up forever? February 26 and D1234 posted a subject line of went way downhill and wrote usually good episodes, but he started advertising for right wing loans and propaganda. The cult of the curious became the cult of the easily misled.

Starting point is 01:17:25 See, here you go. I can't win with these kind of people, right? It's like on the left and on the right, if I can get it. When do they start advertising for right wing loans? Is Lisa mattress or right wing loan? Is dollar shave club or equipped toothbrushes or the great courses plus for those right wing loans?

Starting point is 01:17:40 And you're okay, you seem sick. Talking nonsense, buddy. You seem like a member of the cult of, I'm upset about something I'm not gonna actually mention. Did I make fun of somebody? You admire? Aren't you getting in touch with the real feelings and write an honest review?

Starting point is 01:17:53 Okay, one more. This is the dress that some of them that I've wanted to point out for a while. It's a two-star review, but it might as well be a one-star review. January 29th, 2019, Jay Mac leaves a subject line of steals from Wikipedia. And then they write, so I recently became interested in the Donner party. I read all I could about them on Wikipedia then decided to turn to podcasts.

Starting point is 01:18:13 I stumbled across this one and eagerly downloaded. Lots of great reviews, equals an excellent podcast, right? Well, until I just realized that the material being read was exactly what I read on Wikipedia. A few of his own stand-up jokes were thrown in. This was not a well-researched retelling of the Donner party. This was directly stolen from Wikipedia. Hard to be impressed there. So I don't think I'll continue to listen to a podcast that steals material from the internet. Then reads it verbatim.

Starting point is 01:18:42 Let me know when you write your own original material. Let me know. I go like, hey, hey, somebody get a hold of J-Mac. I gotta let them know. Hey, J-Mac, I'm letting you know now, buddy. I'm letting you know that this has always been a podcast of original material. And I'm also letting you know that you don't seem

Starting point is 01:18:59 to understand how fucking historical research works. Right? First, I didn't throw in any of my stand-up jokes into that episode. I don't throw in any of my standup jokes in that episode. I don't have a bunch of jokes from my standup about, you know, American pioneers, fucking settling the West in the 19th century. Also, I didn't read the episode verbatim from Wikipedia. If you look closely at Wikipedia, J. McLean explained to you how it works. You'll see these little things called footnotes. The Donald Party Wikipedia page has 197 of

Starting point is 01:19:23 them. It pulls from 28 different sources. I use some of those same sources. And I also do use Wikipedia. You know, I fact check it against other sources. And yes, sometimes information is presented verbatim from Wikipedia and other sources. Why? Because it's historical facts.

Starting point is 01:19:40 Not should I get to make up? I was like, go along. It's fucking dates and names and incidents and quotes. God damn, when I'm quoting some historical figure, you know, I would hope I was using the same verbatim information as it would appear in any source. I construct these episodes if you don't know by assembling what I consider to be the key building blocks

Starting point is 01:19:57 of a topic together into the form of a compelling narrative than layer in reactions and show mythology characters inside jokes. I don't just wing it. Yeah, I'm read from notes every time. I'm amazed when some people still think that I just make this shit up. What are you fucking talking about? If I was able to recite like just all of these facts and figures accurately for two hours on a different subject every week, I would not be in a podcast.

Starting point is 01:20:22 I would be working in some fucking crazy think tank. The government would have kidnapped me and they'd be the smartest person who had ever lived. Doing this, I wouldn't be, well, I can tell them dick jokes. Uh, yes, when it comes to the presentation of facts, I copy and paste chunks into the notes because I don't wanna get it wrong.

Starting point is 01:20:41 I'm trying to be accurate. I rewrite it into my voice and add jokes, but yeah, the information's taken from other places. His time suck is basically just a weekly fucked up research paper. And that's how research works. You, you, you, you, tell a story. You don't tell it for the first time. And you tell it as it happened. If you're doing a good job and you learn how to happen by reading from the sources and if you want to convey the story as factually as possible, you don't alter the source information. J. Mac, you should start a podcast with legal violence.

Starting point is 01:21:05 You should call it two dudes who don't understand how life works, telling shitties, tales. One of you could present information slowly with no humor and the other could complain about how that's the same information found in the sources. And finally, I do wanna say after looking back through a full years with the reviews on iTunes,

Starting point is 01:21:24 man, there really weren't that many bad ones and I feel very blessed to have that because the internet as I'm sure all of you know It is full of so much hate like there's this random female bodybuilder. I follow her Instagram This is so random, but I was thinking about this this morning and I follow her and I am amazed How many people just shit on her in the comments of every single post. All the pictures are, are just pictures of her like flexin' and stuff. Like if you don't wanna see a woman flexin' her muscles,

Starting point is 01:21:55 then don't fuckin' follow her, right? I don't wanna say her name cause I don't wanna like add to like, you know, more shit and I frankly, I don't have it in front of me right now. I'm just talking on my ass a little bit, but I was thinking about like how the internet used to so many people. I mean, it's every post dude's threatened by her strength or just guys who don't like the way she looks and then fucking whatever. That's your right. But then they have to say

Starting point is 01:22:15 it on her profile over and over and over. Fuck everyone who does that. If you're somebody who goes on some public profile, fuck you seriously. Like what are you doing? Why are you just, it's so needless. Just to be hateful for no reason. Good job. Wait a, wait a, throw something good out in the world. Wait a, just fucking shit on something.

Starting point is 01:22:37 You piece of fucking shit. I hate people like that so much. You're fucking worthless when you do stuff like that. But you guys, it's amazing. It's amazing, very little hate, very little. And I almost always get the feeling that if somebody who pops in, isn't really familiar with it,

Starting point is 01:22:54 just maybe they got exposed to it from a different appearance on another podcast. It's not somebody who found it through my standup or through a friend recommendation, I don't think. And look, and I get like some of you, like maybe you don't like the way the podcast has changed, maybe you're about to go out, but I feel like most of the people who've been listening for a while when they do leave, they just leave. They don't leave a bunch of hateful stuff behind.

Starting point is 01:23:15 It's a classy way to leave. And I get it, you know, it's not what you enjoy anymore. That stuff all makes sense to me. But the hateful stuff, thank you guys so much for not being one of these idiots of the internet. Ah, that was, again, that was cathartic. Thanks for letting me purge out some anger there. And now let's get some positive stuff.

Starting point is 01:23:42 Let me update you on how things have gone behind the scenes in 2019. It was a big year. Thanks to all of you. Let's go over some cool stats to kick this off. I'm sure some of you at least are curious about this stuff. Let's start with the cult of the curious group on Facebook. Harmony gave me these stats this morning. In January, we had 3,764 members of the Cultivated Curious Facebook group. Now we have almost 15,000 members, 14,705,

Starting point is 01:24:09 the overwhelming majority come from the US, but not all, 13,990 from the US, 185 from Australia, 168 from the UK, 33 from New Zealand, 14 from Nigeria, 13 from Ireland, keeps going down. Most of the US, we are, make a little progress overseas. Indianapolis is a city with the most cult of the curious Facebook members, 113, Spokane, Washington, next 104, Denver, 100, Portland,

Starting point is 01:24:38 Oregon, 97, Kansas City, Missouri, 96, Phoenix, with 91 and then lots of other places. 70% of the members are dudes, 30% are women, 4% or 0.4% other, yeah, almost 30% women. We had just 37,000 or we had 37,000 posts over 627,000 comments. Amazing. And that's just Facebook and that's just the numbers. That's not counting all the friendships that were born You know all the people that just had so much fun, you know just Yeah, coming together, you know somewhat like minded sharing ideas

Starting point is 01:25:12 Talking about things serious and not serious having some laughs Let's talk about overall audience size on YouTube where we get the least amount of kind of views our Subscriptions went from less than 5,000 to start the year to over 20,000 now. Our RSS feed, which counts total podcast listens, we broke a million total show downloads in one month for the first time in January. In October, we broke over 2,000 million downloads in a single month. The DB Cooper mystery, the first episode of 2019 got around 125,000 downloads in the first 60 days of release. The Mormonism episode in September got around 240,000 downloads in the first 60 days, has almost 270,000 downloads now. Our most downloaded, downloaded episode

Starting point is 01:25:59 of the year. So basically, we almost exactly doubled in size in 2019 doubled on Patreon as well. We had roughly 3500 space desserts to start the year as of this release, the count was 6,900. And how have we grown? Mostly because of you, I don't appear on that many other podcasts. You know, I'm not buddies or, you know, with Joe Rogan, despite what that one do, thinks. Not buddies with Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings. Jimmy and James, a small town murder, crime and sports. Fantastic, dude, with fantastic true crime podcasts. The best out there

Starting point is 01:26:30 in my opinion, they've talked about Time's Up, which has helped a lot. Tom and Dan of a mediocre time with Tom and Dan, that Florida podcast that, you know, really helped get me started. They've talked about me, which has helped the Florida podfathers, dudes with a great show. They built the blueprint for not having just having a podcast, but building a podcast community. Todd McCommus, Pat McAvie, the other guys at Heartland Radio, great dudes, great podcasts, Ross Patterson, the folks at Drinking Bros.

Starting point is 01:26:56 That podcast, more great peeps. They helped Anthony Rosuto in the crew with the Rosuto show in St. Louis. That podcast and radio show helped Joey Diaz, Uncle Joey from the church of what's happened now. He helped a ton, Bert Christner, his awesome Bert Cast podcast. He helped, he's talked about me and other podcasts.

Starting point is 01:27:15 Just because he's a good dude and super funny, Joe Koi in the Koi pond, that's helped Johnny Dare and Kansas City, Mike Honger, and Phoenix, all solid guys who help promote me in TimeSuck. And a ton of other Morning Radio DJs, podcasts, hoes, I'm sure I'm forgetting. But mostly since I'm in Cordillin, Idaho, and not New York, or Los Angeles, where I can just pop in on big podcasts and promote on the regular, mostly this show has grown because

Starting point is 01:27:39 of you, because of word of mouth, nothing beats word of mouth. That's why the growth of this show has been so steady month after month And and because of that growth we've been able to do some really cool things like donate to charity 20% of all the patreon spaces or subscription money we receive after 10 grand which was the original monthly operating cost back We only had Reverend doctor Joe horsecock Johnson paisley in the office You know and rants and some part-time, app development, you know, et cetera. 20% after 10 grand each month goes to charity. And we've donated over 30 grand in charity in 2019.

Starting point is 01:28:13 If things keep tracking like they are, we're going to donate over 50,000 more in 2020. In January, we donated 1400 to the Pew Research Foundation, a great organization that helps with truth and media. An organization built on gathering and sharing factual information. I've leaned on them many times for stats. In February, we donated 1600 to the Cancer Research Institute. In March, we donated 1800 to bikers against child abuse. In April, we donated 2000 to Time Sucker Cameron Owen's stair climb for firehero.org to raise

Starting point is 01:28:43 money for firefighters and their families and the families of those killed or injured in duty are on while on duty. And may we donated $2,200 to Leo Support Foundation via time sucker Michael Best providing life saving and protective equipment for law enforcement. And June, we donated 2400 to the national alliance and homelessness to help do exactly that. In July, we donated 2600 to 100 plus abandoned dogs of Everglades, Florida rescue in honor of a mediocre times Travis Butler. His brother lost his life in a tragic accident. In August, we donated $2,800 to impulse youth arts organization on behalf of time, sucker

Starting point is 01:29:24 Jordan Alferro to support the arts and music continuing to be taught and supported in public schools. In September, we donated three grand to youth on record, a Denver-based nonprofit helping at-risk youth graduate and build careers in the arts. In October, we donated 3,200 to the nonprofit holding out help. An organization that provides those who come from polygamous culture, the resources needed to transition from isolation to independence. In November, we donated $3,500 to the Patriot Guard writer's nonprofit, a group dedicated to shield veterans families at their funerals from dumb shit hate groups

Starting point is 01:30:00 like the Westboro Baptist Church. And finally this month, we ended up donating over four grand to give five Colt to the Curious Families of Christmas. The otherwise could not have received. Fuck yeah, hail Nimrod, praise Luciferina, praise Vodjangles, huge praise and thanks to the Space Lizards, the Guardian Angels of the Suck. Talk a little bit about those Space Lizards. Let's just pay $5 a month on Patreon, become Space Lizards.

Starting point is 01:30:23 They get 20% off time suck merch. They get exclusive space lizards merch. They get to download my secret standup album Feel the Heat. They get to vote on topics and pick two Monday topics a month. They've done a great job this year picking so many great topics. They gain access to a weekly podcast, the secret suck. New episodes drop Thursdays at noon Pacific time. Just released our 96th Secret Suck episode,

Starting point is 01:30:47 episodes average an hour and 45 minutes each. That's 168 hours of secret suck content. That show has evolved a lot from its first episode, just like Time Suck did. It's different than Time Suck, quite a bit different. Harmony told me if Time Suck is school, then the Secret Suck is recess. Like Time Suck, it's kind of hard to describe.

Starting point is 01:31:05 There's segments like the will of the suck, where spaces are used to app to send in 60-second voice messages, talking about time-suck-related things or responding to weekly challenges we've done, like Michael McDonald impressions, guess which song this air banjo melody is, right? Bunk-dank. Oh, actually, I just tried to pull that up. Bunk. Bunker-dank. Bunker-dank. B pull that, uh, tank, dank, dank, banger, dank, banger, dank, banger, dank, dank, dank,

Starting point is 01:31:28 banger, dank, banger, dank, banger, dank, banger, dank, banger, dank, that can black, caw. Crazy as sexual fetish, fetish, fetish. What's a fetish? Sounds like a weird vegetable.

Starting point is 01:31:40 Uh, you know, what crime did you get away with, bathroom disaster stories, all kinds of fun stuff. We've had a lot of laughs with. There's the Spaces or the Latest, where we update previous suck topics with new info. Stay up to date on Scientology, UFO siding stories, O.J. Simpson, Casey Anthony, Alon Musk, robots, Oak Island, so many Oak Island updates,

Starting point is 01:31:57 all very important. And more, we have the Wackadoodle of the Weeks segment. We find people online trying to convince you that they spent 20 years on Mars as a space marine or they can talk to dead pets. Fluffy, fluffy, you know, or channel aliens. You're talking about continuous, healing you with the magic jackets, you know, or that God wants them to be mayor of Toledo, Toledo Ohio. Then we often take a quote from one of these nuts and turn it into a sound button, you know, I can push a little button and you can hear stuff like, joy and stone

Starting point is 01:32:28 balls. Secret suck is heavy on buttons and castles. Button castles, you get it, space lizards. And if you think time suck is heavy on inside jokes, holy shit, the secret suck. Next level inside jokes. Other segments like the third eye of David Ike, where we break down conspiracies, positively insane. And someday I'll talk about more about this stuff on the time suck feed. I don't we break down conspiracies, positively insane. And someday I'll talk about more about this stuff on the time suck feed.

Starting point is 01:32:47 I don't want to turn this recap into a secret suck commercial, but I want you to know what we've been doing. It's been a lot of fun. I love that some listeners enjoy the secret suck more than time suck. One of the main benefits of the secret suck and all the Patreon support the income it provides is it's allowed us to expand. To start the year we we double the size of the suck dungeon, had an entrance, punched through the wall

Starting point is 01:33:08 into the empty space next door, and we used that space, that's where Harmony's desk is, Zach's desk is, we created a second studio for scared to death, the paranormal horror podcast, I do it with the Queen of the Suck, my wife Lindsay, episodes coming out, you know, just before midnight on Tuesdays, Pacific time, we were able to spend over 25 grand to build that studio,

Starting point is 01:33:27 make the show much more visually appealing for those who watch on YouTube. And scared to death now has over 75,000 weekly listeners, fantastic for a show that just started a few months back, couldn't have launched it without space, there's support. Also this past spring, we hired a second full time employee, not counting Lindsey or myself, Zach Flannery. I met Zach over 15 years ago when I was doing a lot of stand up comedy and Spokane

Starting point is 01:33:50 Washington, working out material around town. He's producing some local shows. He was in the comedy scene. He was in the music scene primarily, but he also put on some comedy shows. Also had a nightlife magazine that I ended up writing some silly pieces for some star scopes, some weird celebrity based horoscopes. The years went by, we lost touch. Zach moved down to San Francisco.

Starting point is 01:34:10 I moved to LA. Then he and his wife, Monique, returned to Spokane. I returned to the Spokane area, living in Cordillay, Idaho. And I realized that kicking out, you know, bigger, more in-depth time sucks every week, and then the secret sucks as well, and trying to work on new standable of time and touring and helping raise kids. It was going to burn me out if I didn't get some help. So I started looking for a full time researcher. Joe Paisley recommended Zach, because Joe knew Zach from the Spokane medal scene.

Starting point is 01:34:36 Because Joe worked for a decade at 94 and a half, the rock, Spokane's hard rock station. And Joe was also and is also the front man for a metal band called meretta a great band and he produces some albums from time to time as well. And he produced the last album for Zach's alternative hard rock band sovereign citizen. So weird small world. Zach took a stab at doing a preliminary pass on a time suck topic and he fucking killed it.

Starting point is 01:35:00 It was an appalling episode. So now I was able to train him out of the research for the secret suck. And now Zach does the initial research for both times suck and the secret suck, which allows me to fine tune them the research. Feel confident when I double check the research, which I always do. And then I'm able to do additional research, which I always do. Add jokes, all that stuff, and make a better, well-produced show. Late night shows, sitcoms, they have teams of writers, reality shows, documentaries, they have teams of writers reality shows documentaries they have teams of producers, which are basically writers and we have Zach the script keeper helping me kick out

Starting point is 01:35:31 four plus hours a week of curated content between the secret suck and time suck in 2019. And bringing in Zach freed up my brain up to work on scared of death the podcast I wanted to do for a long time before he came over. Still,. Still, I'm still curating all the allegedly true horror tales. I tell on the show, I rewrite them to fit my new horror storytelling voice, keeping the scary supposedly true details intact. I love working on scared to death. It allows me to have more fun with paranormal tales and times that allows because they don't have to be critical and analytical with these type of stories.

Starting point is 01:36:03 The space is made that show possible that's made that show possible. You made that show possible by listing. You know, and then this all allowed us to hire our third full time employee outside of Lindsay myself. Right now we got Joe, Zach, and Harmony Velocamp. Harmony likes Zach, and listening to my standup for a long, long time. I met Harmony over two years ago, October of 2017

Starting point is 01:36:22 at a show in Oregon, and she started volunteering because she loved the show. It was her idea to launch the Cult of the Curious Facebook group. You have harmony to thank for that. Her idea to launch the Discord channel. After volunteering for free for several months, you got to start again a small monthly check for well over a year. And then we were able to thanks the Patreon hire her full time just a few months back. She moved from Vancouver, Washington to just outside of Portland, Oregon to the suck dungeon,

Starting point is 01:36:47 made that leap of faith with three kids insane. She's doing great. She runs the social media accounts. She oversees the Facebook moderators. Those awesome meat sacks. You know, Joe Pais is one of them. Harmony is another one, but also Robbie Erickson, Liz Hernandez, Meghal, Eely Darling. Thanks for working with Harmony to build the time-sub community, by the way, all of you.

Starting point is 01:37:10 Harmony also in charge of curating the Willis Suck messages now in the secret suck. We get hundreds of messages, play 20 a week. Joe, you should do that. Now he is able to have more time to edit scared to death, create cool teaser videos for scared to death, you know, for time suck on Instagram. He's been building up a backlog of my old stand up videos. We're gonna post those a lot on Instagram in 2020 and on YouTube. He even follows on Instagram by the way,

Starting point is 01:37:34 get in there. Dan, come on, it's comedy, time suck podcast, come on. And Joe Paisy, man, if we leaned on him in 2019, he designed the scared to death studio, conceptualized it, designed it, improved the audio quality of this show tremendously. He is the rock that Lindsey and I lean on. He's been invaluable. Always get shit done whenever we need it, working over the holidays, you know, to keep episodes coming out just the last couple of days. Joe and I hope to

Starting point is 01:37:58 be able to launch another podcast in 2020. We've thought about that a lot behind the scenes in 2019 is we dumb, a beefed up idiots of the internet show where we, you know, we've thought about that a lot behind the scenes in 2019 is we dumb, a beefed up idiots of the internet show, where we really go after a wider variety of things and just have more silly fun. Yeah, so we're going to figure out when to do that. Always hard to launch stuff, we have so much going on, but we're going to figure it out. We've got a lot of sponsors in 2019. Good ones, the great courses plus Lisa Quip, many more.

Starting point is 01:38:24 All thanks to you continuing to listen. Also ads are going to be changed in 2020. Learn that at the end of 2019. Now I'm supposed to just leave a spot for a future ad to be dropped in. And then that ad can be changed. It might be Lisa for two months. Two months later might change to quip. It's called dynamic ad insertion, the future of podcasts advertising. So I can no longer reference the episode inside the ad, which kind of bums me out. Also, the ads might come across as a little more abrupt, which also bums me out, but it's the future.

Starting point is 01:38:54 It's the way that the ad business is going to be working with podcasts, so I'm going to have to just roll with it. So still trying to figure that out, it's new. Okay, now let's talk about fun. Let's talk about some fun we had in 2019. 2019 saw the rise of numerous suck version, you know, suck verse, excuse me, characters like the suck verse version of Ed Kemper, who showed up in January. Mother mother why are you getting my samples so loud? I'll put your head on a stick. Just like the cat's mother. Kemper started selling pet sickles on the suck, things got darker and weirder than ever.

Starting point is 01:39:27 Then in May, our most disgusting and possibly most popular character showed up, my favorite, which says a lot about me, Albert Fish, Showbiz, Peanut Butter, I tell you, I do it in Hollywood. Dude, start a singin' some pretty nasty songs. Well, you know it's the best when the poop pits. You just that so I come. Oh, shoot my seed when you're a start, stably. That's how I come. That's how I come. Sure, my neighbors love that. And July July got a little bit of trouble making fun of a serial killer Robert the butcher baker hands and stutter I'll f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f- Then came Bill Gunnison, July and people were pleased again Oof, da hoot, hangy bangy, picture the thingy dingy, into hoarsy wordsy,

Starting point is 01:40:27 rupin' into tug, and hoof, da hoot, da hoot, da Right? That's when sky. Move on up. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh, just finally finding a piece of the pie. Oh, feels good. So that was a fun one. In August, we got to Rastlin without La Jesse James.

Starting point is 01:41:01 That was one of my favorite sucks. Monday, Monday, Monday. The time suck 2019 year in review! Farsers the future of 2020! Oh my heck, GASTANG! Albert Fish, Ed Kemper and Bill Gunness take on what upcoming gang! Who knows what the future holds for the suck? More what the flipper, more what the fuck? Who will pull a chickatelo when returning future episodes?

Starting point is 01:41:25 And who will pull the hands and it'll be good, good, good, gone. It's September. We went Italian with a little da Vinci suck. Here we go. That was a fun one. We also introduced, oh my heck and gosh dang. With the Mormonism suck,

Starting point is 01:41:40 what the flip, keepers, creepers guys? We got odd with father Yod in the source family cult is Yahua 13 band in October. Remember listening to this fun little daddy? Ballon baby We'll just ballin for a curious find the path day and it stay in it Feelin the feelings find the lights right in the sky Watch out for those angliders everybody And it's feeling the feelings, finding the lights, it's right in the States. Watch out for those angliders, everybody.

Starting point is 01:42:07 More dangerous when you take blades. Also in October, we met Anton Levey, and the church is satan, and we all really fell in love with the colliope. Welcome to Anton Levey's Big Top Rolesho. Please welcome to the stage Cotton Candy everybody. That was fun. We met Steph Cox curvy not much longer after that, right? If you're daddy raises you to listen to the secret suck and Tom suck from an early age, you might be a serial killer.

Starting point is 01:42:48 We learned so much this past year, right? We talked about important stuff, like the homeless epidemic, anti-vaccination movements, what to do about pedophiles with the pedophile island suck. We learned about the moon landing, Vietnam, the revolutionary war in Napoleon, the black panthers, time traveling so much more, covered a lot of true crime, a lot of mysteries and cults.

Starting point is 01:43:06 Also, the app, the time suck app has come so far in 2019, man. Huge thanks to Chris Pockel and Zach Steele at Bitelixer. We have an awesome app. We really, I don't say that enough. We have an awesome topic voting function. We have show notes, character avatars, a player that lets you search for episodes. Let's you organize them by you know What episodes you've downloaded or played or listening to and more soon? We're gonna have our very own in app trivia game

Starting point is 01:43:31 Been working on that behind the scenes for months Harmony velocamp taking the lead on that right what other fucking podcast has an app with voting features trivia You know and all these other things none to my knowledge and you guys have allowed us to build that, to create something so unique, something built by fans. Chris Pakell is a fan, he's the guy, you know, with Bitlixer who suggested that I get on Patreon in the first place, suggested that we build an app, and then opened up so much else. He's a fan first, app designer second when it comes to time suck, Zach, a steel also, a fan, Logan Keith, our merch designer in 2019, super fan. As is his lovely wife Kate, Logan and Kate, man, they doubled our merch output.

Starting point is 01:44:12 Made so many cool products this past years. You know, we've had growing pains for sure, but just because of that, because of growth, you know, with lots of amazing merch, we had robes this past year, fucking cult robes you kid me, hail Nimrod, so many cool shirts, so many cool hoodies year, fuck, and cult robes, you kid me. He'll name rod, somebody cool shirts, somebody cool hoodies, sweatpants, another challenge coin, a weird Ed Kimper magna set, the Time Suck University line, holiday ornaments, holy shit. And now we're moving to a new merch system

Starting point is 01:44:37 guided by the fantastic Kate Logan. It's gonna have a dedicated customer service, representative, much broader product availability. It's just, it's yeah, we just, you know, representative, much broader product availability. It's just, it's yeah, we just, you know, keep trying to push things forward. Really looking forward to stepping up our game more in 2020. You guys also changed my standup career substantially in 2019.

Starting point is 01:44:55 2019, it's kind of, I'm so weak to weak, it's been cool for me to reflect on this stuff because I don't allow throughout the year. I just kind of realized, as I put this together, that I did become one of the most popular comics in the club circuit. It's, yeah, they're state or comics, but you know, I've worked in clubs for years and became one of the most popular club comics in 2019 for comedy clubs.

Starting point is 01:45:16 2017, I can barely sell a ticket. Thanks to Nimrod. Thanks to all you this year, I added shows and Houston and Portland sold out shows across the country. Club after club complements me on how cool the crowd is, how polite and respectful you guys are, how well you tip, culturally curious meat sacks, the best meat sacks around. I was able to record a new special and Pontiac Michigan just outside of Detroit at the Crow Foot Ballroom, two sold out shows.

Starting point is 01:45:38 That was because of you guys. It's going to be called Get Out of Here, devil. I just saw the final cut, very happy. Uh, 70 minutes, a new material, the best taping I've ever had because the audience was nothing but fans made it so much better. You know, back when I recorded the, uh, here this, uh, I'll not that long ago. Nobody, nobody, nobody give me a whiff of a taping budget. Now we wanted to do one. I also recorded some old material with the profanity removed in Denver to be played in the Laf USA channel on Sirius XM, called it live in Denver. You know, just keep it simple.

Starting point is 01:46:08 I'll release it elsewhere eventually. It's just going to be have one album at least that you can give to your to your conservative grandma or an eight year old and not worry about if any of them. Other than that, it's probably not going to have any, you know, I'll have the one album. The other albums seem to be getting more offensive. So, you know, you don't want to limit the catalog to them.

Starting point is 01:46:26 But I like that that's going to be out there. All those shows were sold out. It's crazy. Sold out four shows in Spokane where I started this month. First time ever, I've been doing shows in Spokane for a long time. First time ever over 1200 tickets eight years ago after an hour special in Comedy Central.

Starting point is 01:46:41 I came back to Spokane, couldn't sell 50 tickets in a hundred seat venue. It was humbling. So, oh my heck, thank you. This project truly changed my life. Man, I always wanted to donate to charities. Check doing that now. Always wanted to tour to fans. Check, done it. It's been amazing. And I want to take it even further and make it better. I think about all the messages you've send it over this past year, how the show is giving so many hope. The not everyone out there is a trollish piece of shit that you can still have a dark fucked up sense of humor and still be a good person and still find a tribe.

Starting point is 01:47:11 We've gotten so many messages from those who have stopped considering suicides specifically because of this community. So many friendships have been born from this community. It's been amazing to watch. It's been very, very special. The Suck Dungeon has almost 100 challenge coins from first responders and military listeners,

Starting point is 01:47:28 so many paintings, cross stitch is fabricated metal sculptures, all kinds of different things. Give it very unique things, give it to me, to us by you. The Suck Dungeon has become this museum of curiosities. It's become more than just a podcast. All thanks to your love and support. And we're gonna be able to do more now

Starting point is 01:47:45 You know thanks to a staff now. I can do more you know content create more content and also spend more time with my family I can get to the gym again rest more take a little better care of myself I look forward to seeing where all this goes in 2020 How many more lives can be touched how many more laughs can be had how much more knowledge can be touched. How many more laughs can be had? How much more knowledge can be sucked, more conversations, started, more dialogues, provoked. I want to write the best, most thoughtful stand-up hour of my career. Also have it be the funniest, of course.

Starting point is 01:48:13 The show makes me want to be more than funny. You know, you guys pushed me to get a TEDx talk. We did that this year back in January. First public talk I've ever given that wasn't humor-based. That's already changed me. You know, this is all maybe want to be more than just a comic. We got a lot of messages about how the suck has inspired many of you not to give up on your dreams because I didn't give up on mine, keep chasing them.

Starting point is 01:48:34 As many of you know, my career was almost over a few years ago. A 40-year-old comic not selling tickets, that's not a good look. A comic who was given several opportunities by the industry, specials, late night spots, almost had some shows go on the air, but not quite record deal. But still isn't selling tickets. Someone who's been doing it for over 15 years, that person usually doesn't work much longer. But then this happened. And now who knows? Now the comedy industry wants to work with me more than I want to work with them. Now I have bookers and producers who, you know, I kind of avoid getting back to because I'm too busy doing this shit and this shit is enough for me. It's more than enough. So let's keep doing this. Let's keep growing this. Let's keep learning. Let's

Starting point is 01:49:13 keep laughing. Let's keep growing. Let's embrace the darkness and also fight it. Let's chase dreams and be fucking weird and not be pieces of shit. Let's keep on sucking. Long live the suck. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ And that's it! I can go on and on. Just jerking myself off there, talking about time suck, but that's a, that's a just of it. It's the last suck of the decade.

Starting point is 01:49:40 I hope, I hail Nimbra, I hope you enjoyed it. Colonel Robert Howard, man, what an inspiring hero. Damn, that guy never saw a challenge. He didn't face head on. In 2019, what an amazing year. This also happened in 2019. I should hit this button, which I know I hit earlier, but right, Michael McDonald, what?

Starting point is 01:49:57 This is Michael McDonald and you're listening to Time Suck. Yeah, meth the bard, triple M. God, that was a funny meeting too. I think I've talked about in the secret suck, but maybe not time suck, but he was so nice. He was too nice. I love these going back on tour with the dooby brothers. I hope he's reinvigorated. He's so good, but when Joe and Lindsay and I saw him, he was so self-deprecating, it was kind of a bummer. We asked him if he'd heard of time suck and forgive me if I've already told this,

Starting point is 01:50:22 but he was like time, time what? Time's up. We're no like no time suck. And then he goes, oh, like the last 30 years of my career. Anyway, he kind of left. We love you. We love you Michael McDonald. We love you.

Starting point is 01:50:35 Soft yacht rock that always puts me in a great mood. Big thanks to the Time Suck team, man. Thanks for a great year. Thanks to Queen of the Suck, Lindsey Cummins. She does so much. Lindsey, you know, in 2019, she became my road manager, my touring manager. She does such a great job.

Starting point is 01:50:51 She's been able to tour with me so much. She keeps things organized. She allows me to focus on the business. She focuses on the business so much. She works with Kaden Logan to do all of the merch. She does so much more. She coordinates with Harmony and Joe. She oversees. She really, Iony and Joe. She oversees.

Starting point is 01:51:05 She really, I run the creative on the actual podcast. She runs basically everything else behind the scenes and she does a fucking hell of a job. High priest of the suck Harmony, Valicamp, I mean, Reverend Dr. Paisley, the Bidelixer crew, the Logan and Kate doing the merch, Zach Martin for kicking off the Colonel Howard Research. Just everybody. Thank you. If you've helped in any way with Time Suck and check out, you know, what we're talking about, check out that Facebook group.

Starting point is 01:51:30 If you want to make new friends, meet some cult members, get a little more social in 2020, bounce over to Discord. If you want even more interaction, you know, next week we're bringing in the new year with some fear, true crime. Of course, we do a lot of true crime. We do love it. Returns to the suck with a space that are voted in topic of the 1977 Oklahoma Girl Scout murders were going from inspirational to dark as fuck real quick. On the morning of June 13, 1977, the worst happened. Three young girls between

Starting point is 01:51:59 the ages of eight and 10 raped and murdered while attending summer camp at Camp Scott and Maze County, Oklahoma. Their bodies have been left on a trail lead into the showers about 150 yards in their tent. The gory case initially classified as solved when Jean Lee Roy Hart, a local jail escapee with the history of rape and violence with arrested, but then he was acquitted.

Starting point is 01:52:19 So who did it? Many still think Jean did it. What do others think? How could this have happened? Who was supposed to be watching these girls? According to what I found quickly on the web, putting together this preview, less than two months before the murders

Starting point is 01:52:31 during an onsite training session, a camp counselor discovered that her belongings had been ransacked and her donuts randomly had been stolen inside the empty donut box was a disturbing handwritten note. And the writer of the note vowed to murder three campers, and the director of the camp session treated the note as a prank, and it was discarded. Fuck, was that, is that true? Why was that note really ignored?

Starting point is 01:52:53 Did he really just think it was a prank and they just didn't pay any more mind to it? How was security not beefed up? At least for that summer. It's going to be a brutal episode, but we're going to look at it anyway. Stuff happens, no point hiding from it. But we don't have to face it right now. Right now, let's jump into the warm and brace of the Cult of the Curious with today's Time Sucker Updates. Our first update comes from Time Sucker, Atticus Lanes, who sends a nice update regarding last week's Warsaw Ghetto Suck. Atticus writes,

Starting point is 01:53:29 Lord Master Sucker of Sweet Facts, hello there. I just wanted to tell you what a great job you do with the Time Sucker updates this week, Warsaw Ghetto. I especially enjoyed your points on how most people, with exceptions, of course, are deserving of forgiveness for their actions. I happen to personally know someone who served in the German Army during World War II and he's one of the most caring people I know. He most certainly falls into the category of people pressed into service. He never adopted the Nazi beliefs. He served in a POW camp. It was later released in immigrated

Starting point is 01:53:57 to North America where he met his lovely Jewish wife. I hold him in high regard and just wanted to let you know about him. I found your comedy first in middle school and have stuck with your career resents hoping to one day see alive. The podcast always makes me very happy or filled with righteous indignation depending on the week. Love you, love the suck, hail, Nimrod and praise Bojangus. Wow, thank you, Atticus. Man, what a lovely message. Love you and hope you get to a live show. A great reminder. Yeah, not all Nazis were bad people. It's crazy that is to say. And actually our next update reminds me and us

Starting point is 01:54:32 that not all German soldiers were Nazis. But before we get there, I love that this guy you know met and fell in love with a Jewish woman. What a great redemption story. Easy to forget when talking about the Germans and World War II, that despite all the anti-Semitic propaganda floating around Germany and Europe in the early 20th century, despite all those who cheered Hitler on, there were also plenty of Germans, plenty of quote unquote, areas who were disgusted by Hitler, by who he was and what he represented. Thank you for that reminder, Atticus. There were plenty of non-Jewish Germans victimized in other ways by the Nazis. Now let's get it to another Nazi update, sent in by meat sack, Braden Harvey.

Starting point is 01:55:10 Braden writes, Good morning, master sucker. Guardian of Nimrod's butthole. Luciferous play thing. While listening to the Warsaw ghetto suck, I wanted to point out that not all the German army was Nazis. The Nazis were in power and moving the army, but not all of the army's soldiers were Nazis. The Nazis were known as party men, meaning they were part of the Nazi political party. Much of the German army did not like their Nazi commanders. I highly recommend the book ordinary men. It's the story of how the Nazis slowly acclimated and brainwashed the

Starting point is 01:55:39 police battalions of Germany into mass killing the Jewish population. That sounds like a heavy, but important book, Braden. Thanks for passing along to us all, interesting to remember that yes, many of the soldiers who fought on behalf of Germany were not fans of Hitler or the Nazi Party, were members of the Nazi Party, just dudes born in the wrong country at the wrong time. Hail Nimrod. Update to an old suck coming in now from Kimber McLeod, who gives us some thoughts on immigration from an American Indian perspective.

Starting point is 01:56:09 Kimber writes, the immigration suck. Now you know why there are some of us who have a hard time just saying, hey, you won, we lost. Cool. My great grandma grew up on a reservation in Oklahoma. I visited a few times and the white townies would say, look at that little squaw. Not cool, not awesome. Most of my ancestors got invaded and colonized by the English between Ireland and here. Hard to let that go. My kids are doing better with it than me. Yes, the settling and the

Starting point is 01:56:36 resettling of the world continues in various ways. One culture falls to the next. The story is old as human history. That is why I think it's important to remember that beneath the cultures, beneath the various amounts of pigment and differing eye colors and hair textures, who are we, we're all human, all meat sex, right? Different sexes, sexual preferences, spiritual beliefs, different customs and rituals

Starting point is 01:56:58 and skin color, but deep down the same. We're all born, we all die. We can and all do, get sick with the same diseases. We all have a sense of the same worries. Where do I belong? Who am I? Where do I go? If anywhere after I die, what does the future hold for me?

Starting point is 01:57:12 Will I be all right? Will my kids be all right? What tragedies must I endure? What joyous moments will I experience? Sorry for the scars of colonization and cultural assimilation. Hopefully they will heal, not haunt you too much longer, Kimber. I appreciate you sending them that message. Nice little different perspective there.

Starting point is 01:57:31 Now let's bounce back to Nazis for a moment and hear from the Middle East. Super sucker Shelby, keeping her last name out for her protection. Sends me this. Dear master of the suck, I'm currently listening to the last few minutes of this week's episode on the Warsaw ghetto. The episode was fantastic and at several points I found myself in tears. As a secular American living in a religious neighborhood

Starting point is 01:57:49 in the heart of Jerusalem, I have very conflicting feelings about Israel, Jerusalem, and religion, et cetera. I find it so difficult to live among people whose families suffered so much throughout history yet still feel that they can treat others like shit. In my short time of year and a half living here, I have personally been harassed for being transgender and have had one of my Palestinian students, a researcher at a university, sent

Starting point is 01:58:10 to the hospital by getting attacked by a group of religious Jewish men. I also understand why Israel is so important to Jewish people and the relative safety that living here brings. As an American in Israel, it is very hard not to reflect on the similarities between the current policies in the US and Israel. I will actually be passing one of these reminders tomorrow on my way into the West Bank to celebrate Christmas and Bethlehem. But I think you hit the nail in the head every country, ethnicity, religion, et cetera, has good and bad people. And we need to judge people by their individual actions rather than the stereotypes they may fall into. Not sure where

Starting point is 01:58:42 I'm going with all this, but I really wanted to reach out and tell you how impactful this episode was. Thanks for all you do. The podcast has been a major part of my life since being here and has helped me feel less alone in this crazy place. Shelby, glad you feel less alone, Shelby. So glad you sent in this message.

Starting point is 01:58:58 I like the mention of a Palestinian student sends the hospital by religious followers of Judaism. Don't like that that happen, but important to mention, no group, no matter how persecuted they may have been, are immune to persecuting others. Being the victim of racism doesn't mean you can't be racist, being the victim of misogyny doesn't mean you can't be sexist. We can all become what we hate. Important to remember, we all regardless of the history of our ancestral struggles can add to the struggles of some future meat sacks ancestors. I hope I can one day travel to that crazy place. You're teaching in Shelby so much history there. I'd love to see it. Stay safe.

Starting point is 01:59:33 Now a crazy, Casey Anthony update coming in whole shit from meat sack, Joseph King. This is nuts. So glad you sent this in Joseph. Joseph writes, So glad you sent this in, Joseph writes, Casey Anthony, you missed something important. I cannot remember which documentary or show I was watching that brought this up. I was trying to find it to you to send the link as well. I did find it. I've searched and found it. They screwed up on her computer search,

Starting point is 01:59:57 whomever was doing the search, didn't know about Firefox, which was new at the time, and they only searched the history under internet explorer. They didn't find out new at the time, and they only searched the history under internet explorer. They didn't find out until after the trial, all of the search information from her Firefox browser. They're saying that one mistake cost them, right, her conviction. Had they done that, had they looked at the search history of Firefox at her trial, she wouldn't

Starting point is 02:00:21 have walked. Holy shit, yo. Yeah, I looked into this. You're absolutely correct. In 2012, it was revealed that the Florida Sheriff's Office that investigated the disappearance of Casey Anthony's two-year-old daughter overlooked evidence that someone in the Anthony home did a Google search using the web browser Firefox, looking for, quote, full proof suffocation methods. And they did that on the day that Kaylee disappeared. Fuck. Yep, Sheriff's Investigators overlooked 1200 entries,

Starting point is 02:00:53 including the suffocation search and other damning searches. They were on her computer's Missilla Firefox browser. And apparently Casey Anthony was the one that would use that browser. Man, I guess they just didn't have a good computer savvy investigator on the team. Didn't think to look up the Firefox searches. I do remember Firefox. Anthony was using that old private internet browser that many of me.

Starting point is 02:01:14 It's like it's used to hide porn in the days of your. Man, if you didn't think for some reason, Casey Anthony was guilty before. How bad does she look now? Man, she or someone in the house will come on. This her looked up full proof suffocation methods. Yeah, I didn't find out. Tell us too late. Damn it.

Starting point is 02:01:33 Okay. Now, grab your tissues. Heart felt update coming in from Bryce Kamacho. Bryce writes, hey, Dan, master sucker, King of all suck, Bajangles favorite spot in the world of hump. Got a bit of a tear jerjerk or ma'am, but it's about how time suck has been there for me. My girlfriend and fellow sucker first played the suck

Starting point is 02:01:50 to my ear holes on suck 161, the source family. So I guess you could say I'm a noob, but hearing about that crazy bastard, father, yo-ed. Oh man, yeah, sorry, I know, before you get into the heavy stuff, I gotta listen to a little more. I'm only push this button, because this has become Joe Paisy's favorite band ever.

Starting point is 02:02:08 I hear the next Mereda album that is gonna be heavily influenced by Yaha Wathertine. Gotta hope so. I don't know, I don't know if Joe can pull this off, honestly, it's very musically complex. It's gonna take you. Joe, do you think you can do something like that?

Starting point is 02:02:24 Like if you tried really hard. If you took let- I'm just not there, I'm just taking care of it. Joe, do you think you can do something like that? Like if you tried really hard. If you do, if you're glad. I'm just not there. I'm not ready. All right. Okay, so I guess you could say I'm a new, but hearing about that crazy bastard father, Yoad, and the way you delivered, I was hooked. Grab your tissues. Here comes the tears.

Starting point is 02:02:36 I heard this episode a week after my dad lost his year long battle with T. Cell lymphoma cancer at 48 years old. It's a rare cancer that's my knowledge attacks the host, white blood cells. He fought a very hard to the bitter end. He worked my entire life, never batted an eye, waking up at two a.m., not getting home until 5.36 p.m., even after getting diagnosed.

Starting point is 02:02:58 He would leave work to get radiation treatments for three hours, then go back to work. He was the most determined man I've ever met. But when I heard that episode, how you knocked father yoad in his teaching so much, it was the first laugh I'd had in the long, terrible week. The cults that curious was the perfect place for me to get lost.

Starting point is 02:03:16 In the amazing community and the Holy Sacred Suck Master, I'm a space lizard as is my girlfriend, Aubrey. We love time suck. I listen to a constantly in secret at work. Thank you, Apple for air pods and a beanie. I've actually listened to every episode up to the state and all of scared to death. I'm working listening to all of the secret suck. I just got down with your psychic reading and damn that bitch crazy.

Starting point is 02:03:36 Yeah. Carol Clark. Sorry for the long message, but I just really wanted to thank you for time suck. Hail Nimrod, Helusofina, fuck pedophiles. And thank you veterans man. So glad the suck it helped you get through you for time suck. Hail Nimrod, Hail Lucifina, fuck pedophiles. And thank you veterans, man. So glad the suck had helped you get through a terrible time, Bryce. So glad you could lean on it.

Starting point is 02:03:50 Your dad sounded like a Robert Howard. A take no prisoners, get shit done, kind of dude. Gotta respect that. Hail Nimrod. I hope he lives on in your memories and the memories of, I'm guessing so many other people whose lives he touched.

Starting point is 02:04:02 So happy the time so community has been here for you. I hope they're a source of great comfort over the holidays. And speaking of the holidays, one last update. Let's end on a beautiful message of hope. As we enter 2020, this message come in and courtesy of longtime sucker and space lizard and motherfucking meat sack extraordinaire Cody Burretta.

Starting point is 02:04:21 Send him back in December 10th. Cody writes, subject warning, a long message about suicide during this season of joy. And then he writes, hail team of the suck. I felt compelled to say something about this topic for some time. Finally, decided to weigh in after listening to the conversation regarding suicide and the Stanley time sucker updates. Regardless of their stance and what suicide says about a person, all genuine members of this cult can agree that don't want anyone to take their own lives.

Starting point is 02:04:49 The best thing we can do to serve this goal is to kick the stigma of the topic, writing this giant stone balls. Talk about it with the purpose of understanding kindness and empathy. Many people have the misfortune of having this season serve as a reminder of people they've lost and the despair that that can bring. Well, in the height of your joy from celebrating the holidays with your friends and family, I asked the suckers to take a moment to consider, truly consider how they would feel if they had lost one or all of their loved ones. Worse yet, imagine how it would feel if the tragic loss occurred during the season of joy and was permanently associated with it.

Starting point is 02:05:22 Finally imagine how you would feel experiencing the grief and utter despair while watching everyone around you joyously celebrate with children, siblings, parents, spouses, friends you lost during this time. Others still may seem to have everything and everyone they can want or need, but due to chemical imbalances in their brains, they are physically incapable of experiencing joy. This is my melody and is clinically defined as an hedonia, anodonia, or the inability to

Starting point is 02:05:49 feel pleasure. I realize that I have a great life. I'm grateful for what I have and the knowledge that it could be so much worse. However, if you were to graph an average person's mood with ecstasy as the highest point, utter despair as the lowest, and the midpoint being indifference, my mood graph can often chart within difference being my highest point possible best case emotion. The fear that this could someday become a permanent state for me is what drives me

Starting point is 02:06:12 to be diligent with my talk therapy and medication. I again asked the suckers to truly consider how they might feel if they were to have everything they could ask for, see everyone around them, experience joy, and not be able to rouse themselves from the state of not being able to experience joy. I can personally testify that these thoughts have brought a knife to my wrist and a new surround my neck, weary from the fight, hoping that things might improve, but having them not improve. But it can get better. The first step is to help, to get help if you don't have it. Reach out to and be honest with someone you trust.

Starting point is 02:06:45 Call a suicide prevention hotline. Join a local support group. Acknowledge and seek treatment for any substance abuse. Schedule an appointment with a psychologist and or a psychiatrist. Know that this is a continuing struggle. Some doctors and or medications don't help. But stay strong. Don't be defeated. Try a different doctor. Try a different medication. I've tried more doctors and medications than I can count. Share as much as you struggle with people

Starting point is 02:07:08 as you trust you are able to. What can the rest of us do for support? We can talk about this issue. Don't shame depression, PTSD or suicide. See, instead, to understand and empathize with those who struggle with it. Express an interest to help those struggling, be kind to strangers, never bully or take advantage of people more vulnerable than you. Ask how others are feeling with sincerity. Listen genuinely. You never know what a random act of kindness or a stray compliment can do, it might save a life.

Starting point is 02:07:36 My name is Cody Beretta, and I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression. I'm not crazy, at least not because of my illness. I have a health condition that I seek treatment for, and in compliant with, my doctors prescribed treatment plans. I have a health condition that I seek treatment for and I'm compliant with my doctor's prescribed treatment plants. I am no more ashamed to admit I have these diseases than I would be about high blood pressure or diabetes. And my brain is so messed up.

Starting point is 02:07:55 The second you said diabetes, I immediately thought of Wilford Brimley, diabetes. Because of my diligence with my treatment and support of my family, I have been an amazing, I have an amazingly supportive wife who is due to deliver our first space, new carry on January 30th, 2020. There have been countless times I've contemplated giving up when my struggle has been as it's worst. I'm proficking you better. Even when I'm sure beyond a doubt that the psychic torment I experience can never get better, I don't

Starting point is 02:08:22 give up. I do everything I can to get the support that is out there from the countless people whose mission It is to help people like you and me. Please don't give up. It's never easy, but I promise you it's worth it. Cody Great message Cody hail fucking Nimrod. Yes. Who knows how many people you just touched Congratulations on a little carry the space knew you have coming up in a few weeks. I have no doubt you're gonna be a fine father. Love how you compare chronic anxiety to high blood pressure. Right, yes, right. The mind has its own ailments and diseases, just like the body. And you're right, there shouldn't be stigma for those.

Starting point is 02:08:54 Anymore, there should be stigma for obvious physical diseases we can see, you know, or that, you know, are more heavily documented in some way where people don't, you know, think about it in the sense of like, oh, they're just making it up. No, a lot of people truly suffer from a disease just as real as any physical disease that's mental. I hope you did enjoy the holidays. I hope you, uh, you know, are, are able to experience more joy going forward. I hope you're able to continue to talk

Starting point is 02:09:18 publicly about your struggles, continue to normalize and destigmatize what you're currently working through. Keep it up, mate. Sack. Luciferina thinks it's super fucking sexy. She approves, Nimrod approves, Bojangles just like to join Stone Ball, so he approves. And go fuck 2020 up. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Next time, suckers, I need a net. We all did. Have a great week, everybody. Enjoy the final hours of 2019 if you're still list in this year.

Starting point is 02:09:49 And then go full Colonel Robert Howard on 2020 in the entire decade. Hail Nimrod, you glorious, beautiful bastards, and keep on fucking sucking. Sucking Oh shit Hey, what have you shut the fuck up forever?

Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 172 - Colonel Robert L. Howard/2019 Year End Review

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