Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 193 - Ivan The Terrible

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

Ivan the Terrible. First true Tsar of Russia. And a dude who more than lived up to his "terrible" nickname, which actually is a mistranslation. Today we learn about the formation of Russia, and how Ivan The Terrible helped transform Russia from a minor Mongol vassal state to the beginning on what would become the Russian Empire. Hope you enjoy some truly crazy history, Meatsacks! New standup special and album, Get Outta Here; Devil! out on Amazon, AppleTV, cable-on-demand, Spotify, iTunes, Pandora, and more. We've donated $5,400 this month to Penfed! The mission of the PenFed Foundation for Military Heroes is to empower military service members, veterans and their communities with the skills and resources to realize financial stability and opportunity. To find out more, visit https://penfedfoundation.org/ Watch the Suck on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Xs1jET4X0QwMerch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Try out Discord! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna become a Space Lizard? We're over 8000 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits.

I've in the terrible 16th century grand prince of Moscow and the first is our of what would go on to become the Russian Empire his terrible nickname Actually does not come from any atrocities he committed, but rather from a poor translation Terrible comes from a mis-translation of the word grozny which more closely translates to inspiring fear or terror Threatening even awesome Rather than terrible is in something or someone being extremely bad or unpleasant. All that being said, he truly was terrible, like really, really terrible. At various times when he felt that his power was being threatened, or if he wanted to send a strong message to not be defied, he had men, women, and children killed in mass in the

most terrible of ways. Men, women, and children who were his own people. On a few occasions, he had his minions, the Uprich Nikki, referred to Appli in one source as the children of darkness, decimate most of an entire town in cruelly imaginative ways. These also very terrible men under his command carried out state sanctioned mass rapes, horrific, straight out of the saw movie franchise torture sessions

and public executions. Most of Ivan's violence was directed at Muskevy's, nobility, the boyars. I even hated Muskevy aristocracy for reasons we'll explain soon. And he likes his people to know that no one was safe from his wrath. Money in land would not spare you from having your wife raped or your skin removed from your body. And why do I keep saying Muskevy? Are we talking about Russia? Yes, one in the same. Like basically all of Europe, Russia is a land that's been called more than a few names over the years. Muscovy was the common term for the grand Duchy of Moscow,

a Rus, aka East Slavic, Finic, Principality, centered around Moscow, a vassal state to the Mongol Empire, created in 1283 CE. And then I have been expanded this vassal state in 1547 by taking the title of Zarr and Grand Duke Rus, turning the Grand Duchy of Moscow into the Zardom of Russia and waging some wars against the Mongols and others to expand and solidify his turf. And then the land will be renamed the Russian Empire by future Zarr, Peter the Great in 1721, who expanded it further. Then it would officially become part of the Soviet Union in 1922, then it became Russia in 1991. So when I say Muskevy, think Russia, gonna cover some Russian history today as well.

Despite all of his violent ways, Ivan would be revered by many future Russians, especially future communist leader Joseph Stalin. Why? The really short answer is because he made Russia strong. Ivan was a sadistic psychopath, but he would be also heralded for uniting the nation of Muskevy in a way it had never been united before. The people of the lands of Muskevy hadn't lived in a nation to be reckoned with for centuries. Not since they were part of the loose federation of East Slavic and Finic peoples known as Kivin Rousse, the federation Russia would derive its name from that had fallen to Muslim invaders in the early 13th century and become a vassal state, a nation that pays another nation a bunch

of money every year, not to have the shit kicked out of it. I have an expanded and secured the borders of Muskeby during his lifetime in a long period of Eastern Siberian expansion began during his rule. He also set the president for strong authoritarian royal rule in Russia that would last with minor interruptions until the Bolshevik Revolution of 1917. Before Ivan, Muskevy was a weak land, a landlocked Eastern European Orthodox Christian country sandwiched between stronger Muslim and Catholic nations, and Ivan would make Muskeby a nation to be reckoned with, a nation to be feared. He would make Russia strong and set it on a path to becoming a world power, but this bump

in status would come at a price. Ivan's reign would be reminiscent of the reign of other infamous men we've talked about on time, suck, like 15th century Velocchius, Vlad, the Pailer, like Vlad Ivan was ruthless. Also, like Vlad, somewhat a product of his time. He was born into an especially bloody era of history and he witnessed more torture and killing and evil plotting and scheming growing up that I'm guessing anyone listing to this podcast today can relate to in any meaningful way. Ivan was born into a world of seemingly constant bloodshed.

Sixteen century Muskevy wasn't just flowers and holding hands and dressing puppies and doll clothes and eating cookies before Ivan came along and started burning people alive and having women raped in the streets. No. That being said, Ivan was so violent, he stood out for being a murderous tyrant in an age full of murderous tyrants. Ivan the Force was a mean bastard who oversaw a huge conquest of neighboring lands, a creation of a true Russian national church, the formation of a standing army, and Russia's

emergence as a world power. And I'm excited to share what we've put together regarding this terrible dude here today on another dark historical and very Russian edition of Time Suck. This is Michael McDonald and you're listening to Time Suck. You're listening to Time Suck. I'm sick. Whoa, whoa, whoa, yum, oh, time. So. Hail, Nimrod. Love you, Lucifina. You're a good boy, Bojangles. And hope you're in the recording studio right now, Triple M.

I'm Dan Cummins, a boomer who is so extra. Obsessor over all things Russian, Polish exterminator, JK, oh, heck, pony play, supply peddler, and you are listening to Time Sec. Thanks again for the continued ratings and reviews. I see him, I can't help but look. And they motivate me and the team here to help us improve things. Those reviews and ratings also help us find new sacks

to bring into the fold of the dark, weird, little curious cult we built here. Thank you again to the Space Losers who support this show on Patreon and have allowed us to donate $5,400 to the Penn Fed Foundation this month. Penn Fed Foundation for Military Heroes helps veterans buy homes, go back to school, pay their bills, and so much more.

Hail Nimrod. Go to PennFedFoundation.org to find out more. Link in the episode description. I got a new TimeSug Baseball T in the store, BadMagicMarch.com. Let's, let's wear ball I mean if we can't play ball and at least we can wear it and you know and make this summer feel a little more normal Right that's several different options team time suck team meat sack Even head campers playing a little ball because he likes to swing a stick mother

Okay, that being said Now it's time to go back to Russia Let's get to the life. Bloody times of a dude, our Patreon spaces have been voting up for well over a year, attempting to make him a Monday topic. I haven't been voting into the top five topics on our bi-monthly topic voting rounds,

about 30 fucking times, not even kidding, not exaggerating. And I'm glad we finally get to suck him. They can't stop, you know, I can stop wondering if he's gonna win or not. I have in the terrible story is a crazy one. It was fun to suck it, let's get to suck him. They can't stop, you know, I can stop wondering if he's gonna win or not. Ivan the terrible story is a crazy one. It was fun to suck it. Let's get to it. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

A lot of info to go over, as usual. So here's how we're gonna lay this bad boy out today. First time to tell you a little bit about the Zars that came after Ivan, you know, from the position he created. Ivan IV was the very first Russian leader to be officially a czar. A title similar to that of a Roman emperor or Byzantine emperor.

Ivan's grandfather Ivan the great, also called himself czar in communications, but it was never official. His grandfather didn't rule with the Russian churches blessing as a supreme leader, far more powerful than the nobility around him. After seeing what came after Ivan, we'll look at what came before him

a more than two century period of the Mongol rule of what is now Russian land by members of the Golden Horde, aka the Great State. We'll examine the rise of the Russian Orthodox Church that Ivan would align himself with and be anointed by without this church. There would be nozzars. We'll also look at the boyars, rushes nobles,

Vlad the impaler rose to power and bloody infamy, partially by purging many of Velocca's boy or nobles and keeping the rest afraid of him and Ivan would do the same thing in Muskevy. Tales of Vlad the impaler began showing up in Muskevy in the late 15th century, decades before Ivan's birth and Ivan has said to have found and loved these tales. He was inspired by Vlad.

Loved him. I'd like him. Modeled the way he took power, you know, and held it. Modeled his, you know, his barbaric intimidating methods. I like this Vlad guy. I like I put many people on sticks and kill much rich people, take money in land, some for self, some for murder thug, little to him. Vlad have no fucks to give. I like. Vlad have no fuck to give. I like.

No line. He not cross. I like. He gets so much what he want through much fear. I like. It's just read book by a telling guy, Macaveli, you say it is better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both. Vlad would get that. I like it. He and me, but no care about love. We care about fear. I have to get a feel for who the nobles were that Ivan terrorized. We'll dig into some examples of Ivan's most famous atrocities before jumping into today's timeline that will lead us through the history of Russia, evolving from a collection of Slavic tribes to a military force to be reckoned with. Doing that will also walk us through the major dates of Ivan's life, which we will cover, of course, from birth to death.

Look at his life will include more examples of horrible atrocities that we won't get into in the preview before the timeline. So does this often this sound kind of fun? I mean, maybe interesting. Is it better? I hope it sounds interesting. Let's start and take a peek at the legacy

that Ivan the terrible, Ivan the fourth. First true Zara of Russia started by listing off I hope it sounds interesting. Let's start and take a peek at the legacy that Ivan the terrible Ivan the fourth first true Zara of Russia started by listing off some of the most famous Zara's that came after him starting with Boris Godnov. Boris Godd... Yeah, Goddnov. Oh man, his last name is fucking tough. Boris.

Boris is good enough. Boris G-O-D-U-N-O-V. Goddunov. Such a great classic Russian name. Boris was one of Ivan's children of darkness, one of the most, one of these professional tortures and rapists known as the Upper Chniki. Boris had married the daughter of the head of the Upper Chniki, and especially ruthless dude, Malyuta Skurotov. To make a quick Star Wars analogy, if Ivan the Ter terrible was the evil emperor Mel

Utah was his Darth Vader that motherfucker was in charge of carrying out a number the most terrible things that Ivan ordered to be done. And Zarb Boris was Darth Vader son of law which would kind of make him Han Solo I guess now the analogy no longer works because he didn't have a wookie co-pilot and he didn't have a good heart under his you know of facade of I only care about me. Boris became co-regent in 1584 following Ivan's death, appointed by Ivan on his deathbed to keep shit from crumbling into chaos until Ivan's son, Fiodor, the first was ready to rule.

Boris would seize a throne in 1598 following the death of Fiodor. So he'd be Regent for a while, then he'd take a break, then he'd be back to actually be a Zarr. And during Boris's seven year rule, he did do some nice things like allow young Russian nobles to seek their education outside of Russia and Europe. He imported teachers into his empire. He coaxed up to the kingdoms of Scandinavia, pursuing peaceful access to the Baltic Sea.

And he also did some not so nice things. Boris made it illegal for Russian peasants to transfer their allegiance from one noble to another, thus cementing in place a key component of Sturftom that would lead to an enormous peasant class of slave laborers tied to the land they worked on. People whose descendants would eventually rise up and overthrow their royal masters in 1917. After Boris's death, Russia entered the time of troubles, which included famine. Many civil wars between opposing boy or factions and open meddling in Russian affairs

by the nearby kingdoms of Poland and Sweden. Life for the average citizen would actually become worse during the time of troubles than it was during the reign of Ivan the Terrible, which is saying, a lot. It's gonna be hard to believe by the end of this gory suck. Boris's reign would last until 1605, eight years later, Zara Michael the First would rule.

Michael the First mostly known for being really, really good at basketball. Motherfucker could dunk from the foul line all day, huge hops. Primarily played shooting guard, but had another worldly all around game, even solid low down on the post, especially late in his career when his knees started to go, and he had to rely more on kind of upper body strength

in his mental game. And of course I'm talking about a different Michael now. Everyone else is talking about Jordan and it felt right to throw it in. Michael the first most known for being the first Romanov, Zarr. He kicked off three centuries of one family ruling Russia. The sign of how shitty life was in Russia during and shortly after the time of troubles, Michael had to wait weeks before he suitably intact palace could be located for him and Moscow to lead from because of much of the city lay in ruin just disarray

Michael will lead for over 30 years until 1645 and he negotiated a long period of peace with fierce neighbors Sweden and Poland. Yes, it's true And various points in history Russian was afraid of both Poland and Sweden. Not true right now Pretty sure Vladimir Putin has never said no, it cannot. We might anger Sweden. That would be end of us Probably never said something like well what let's Poland think we cannot risk incurring the Poland wrath Yeah, time to change next czar almost 40 years after Michael the first death one of Russia's most famous ours Peter the Great would rule from 1682 all the way to 1725 Peter was Michael's grandson. He's best known for his ruthless attempts to further Westernize Russia and pour the principles of the enlightenment into what the

rest of Europe still considered a backward and medieval country. He arranged the Russian military and bureaucracy along Western lines and required his officials to shave their long traditional beers as a big deal. Getting rid of their big, long Russian beers that had for centuries and dressed in Western clothes. Dude was an imposing deal. Getting rid of their big long Russian beers that had for centuries and dress in Western clothes. Dude was an imposing leader. He was six eight, six feet eight inches tall. During a day and age when the average European man's height was just under five six.

He was a good 15 inches taller than the average dude. The average height for a guy is now is five nine. Having Peter the Great for a leader would be like having a Shaquille O'Neal for a leader right now. I can only imagine him having meetings with other European leaders like King George of England. He was, you know, he was tall above average. He was five and eleven. King Lewis, uh, uh, little guys. I would russets would like to do much more business with your tiny man countries. And I'm like ruffle their hair. I like you guys are so cute. You cute little fellas. Peter was a lot more than just a

tall ass dude. He was a strong military leader who crushed the Swedish army in the battle of Poltava in 1709, a battle that raised the morale of the Russian military in western eyes, helped his empire secure its claim to the vast Ukraine territory. It would continue to rule off and on for almost three full centuries. Through a number of successful wars he expanded the Zardom into a much larger empire than the one he inherited. Also known for founding and developing the Russian capital city of St. Petersburg, which would remain the capital of Russia until 1917.

16 years after the end of his reign and many rulers later, his daughter Elizabeth would become Zarek Zarek Zarek, a K.A. Empress of Russia. Elizabeth of Russia seized power in 1741 in a bloodless coup. She went on to distinguish herself as the only Russian ruler never to execute even a single subject during her reign. She was like the anti-Ivan the terrible. Bummer for storytelling purposes, her nickname wasn't Elizabeth the not too bad or Elizabeth the not so terrible or Elizabeth pretty good.

Elizabeth could be worth worse, you know, during her 20 years on the throne, Russian blood would be shed. However, as Russia became entangled in two major conflicts, the Seven Years War and the War of Austrian Session. Always war, always war going on over here. Elizabeth is perhaps best known for establishing the University of Moscow and spending vast sums of money on various palaces. She liked a fancy palace. She liked shiny things.

Some starving peasants didn't think it was super cool that she was remodeling another palace or building You know maybe build a new one while they were starving weird or a bunch of winers Shut up, sir. Day. It's hard to focus on what to hang time a chandelier Would you constantly asking for a small piece of bread? Oh, kid me from dying Jokes aside Elizabeth considered one of the most popular Russian rulers of all time. And within the year of her death, one of the most famous of Russia's Zars or Zarystas would rule Catherine the Great.

Between 1762 and 1796, the six-month interval between the death of Elizabeth the Russia and the Ascession, a sentient of Catherine the Great witnessed the six-month reign of Catherine's husband Peter III, who was likely assassinated. A lot of these people got assassinated. A lot of poisons going on back then. Catherine was a Prussian princess who had married into the Romanov dynasty. During Catherine's reign, Russia would further expand its borders, absorbing Crimea, partitioning part of Poland,

holding off on disparaging Polish jokes, annexing territories along the Black Sea, even settling the Alaskan territory that would later be sold to the US in 1867. A lot of conquests went down on Catherine's watch. I always forget that Russia was the first European power to settle Alaska. But the Russians first showed up in Alaska in 1741, founded a colony on Kodiak Island, 1784. Also, as so often happens with strong women rulers, Catherine the Great was the victim of malicious rumors during her lifetime some character assassination some rumors that have persisted to this day

Although historians agree that she took many lovers throughout her life The rumor that she died having intercourse with a horse is not true. She was like the original Richard gear He never put a gerbil in his ass and Catherine never fucked horses, yet the rumors persist. Harry Partners and ponies. This here's your good buddy, Tal Anderson, aka Captain Whiskrohorn. Just wanted to point out that Catherine made out of head sex with a real pony, but she may have been into pony play. I would have given her a hell of a deal if you would have stuffed into Captain Whiskrohorn to pony play in poor him, tax shop and salary, your trusted

source of sexy bits, bridles, harnesses, halters, hooves, masks, interplug tails, and more for the quadricade area for the past 20 years. She'd have gotten the Royal Treatment ain't there right, Sasparilla! Hi-oh, Sasparilla! Away! Sorry about that everybody. Jesus,. I think Captain, Captain Whiskerhorn is gonna be showing up today. Well, it makes a whole hell of a robber since the reed of Poppin' and it would be for that no good, puppy play, peddling a rascal,

Don Dolverman's showing up, that's enough, Tom. Sorry to listen, it's hard to explain. Refocusing now on real Russian history. Next, next are, move on along. Nicholas I. Another one of Russia's most important rulers was Nicholas I who took the reigns almost 30 years after Catherine's death. One might reasonably claim that the Russian Bolshevik revolution of 1917, easy bow jangles.

I know you get worked up when we talk about the Bolsheviks. Had its roots in the reign of Nicholas I. Nicholas was the classic hard-hearted Russian autocrat. He valued the military above all else, ruthlessly repressed, dissent, and the populace, and in the course of his reign managed to drive the Russian economy into the ground. Nicholas I was also the king of Poland, and the grand duke of Finland, through a variety of wars, he expanded Russian territory further, and the eve of his death, the Russian empire reaches geographical peak, spanning over 20 million square kilometers, 7.7 million square miles. For quick comparison, the US third largest country in the world currently by size is 3.8 million

square miles, or 9.8 million square kilometers. Russia, interestingly, is first with 17.1 million square kilometers, still huge. Still huge. It only with 17.1 million square kilometers. Still huge. Still huge. Only went down from 20 million square kilometers to 17.1. Canada is second with 9.9 million square kilometers. Nicholas's reign ended in defeat with Russia's failure in the Kameen War of 1853 when the much-vanted Russian army was unmasked as being poorly disciplined and technically backward. Russia also revealed to be weak in other ways via this war, the war revealed to the rest of the world

that there were fewer than 600 miles of railroad tracks in this entire gigantic country compared to over 10,000 miles in the US, for example. Clearly, Russia still had a long way to go to modernize it, but wanted to catch up to other world powers. Two more czars, the first is Alexander II. It's a little known fact, at least in the West, that Russia freed its serfs from the slavery of Serfdom. Around the same time, as the US President Abraham Lincoln

helped free American slaves. The individual responsible for this was Zarr Alexander the second, also known as Alexander, the liberator, way better moniker than Ivan the Terrible. Alexander also reformed the Russian penal code to make it less harsh towards prisoners. He invested in Russian universities. He sold Alaska to the US in 1867 for $7.2 million.

He formally annexed the kingdom of Poland, which existed as a vassal state of Russia into the Russian Empire. Sounds like he was pretty good dude. So it only makes sense that he was assassinated. St. Petersburg in 1881. Apparently didn't keep people properly afraid of him. Last on our list of Russian Zars is Alexander's grandson, Nicholas II.

The last Zara of Russia. Nicholas II witnessed the assassination of his grandfather at the impressionable age of 13, not the best way to kick off your teen years, to see Papa assassinated. Nicholas's reign was mostly defined by a series of disasters. His rule allowed for the strange rise to power and influence of the unhinged former Sucks object, Rasputin, the wild-eyed pervy mad monk who used to convince women that giving him a blow job was a one way of taking the Lord's sacrament, not even kidding. Nicholas oversaw Russia's epic defeat in the Russo-Japanese War, the 1905 revolution that led to Russia's

first ever democratic body, the Duma, occurred on his watch. It drastically weakened the power of the Russian monarchy and was allowed only to prevent an all-out revolt. And then, finally, during the February and October revolutions in set 1917, the last Russians are was overthrown by a remarkably small group of communists led by Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky. And then, less than a year later in the Russian Civil War, the entire Imperial family, including Nicholas's 13 year old son and potential successor assassinated in the town of Yekaterinburg.

I think it's close. And these assassinations brought the Romanov dynasty to a bloody and definite end. No more Russian royal family, no more Zars. And then it was D gulags for decades. Yay, yay, broken bottles up asses and all the other gruesome shit we learned about in the KGB suck. Good job, communist, getting rid of a royal family and somehow making life much worse for everyone. Bojangles just laughed a bit at that. None of the Zars I just went over would have ever existed if not for Ivan the terrible creating that leadership position.

And how did Ivan create the position as are with the blessing of the Russian church that he strengthened. A church that wanted to further increase the scope of its power through Ivan, to fully understand Russian culture during Ivan's time. It's important to wrap one's head around a bit of the Russian Orthodox church. While Stalin would usher in an atheistic communist regime hundreds of years later, it was his nation's devotion to Christianity, the strain of belief taught by the Russian Orthodox Church that allowed his cult of personality and religion of the state to occur. When Ivan was born, the Russian Orthodox Church was one of the largest ecclesiastically independent Eastern Orthodox churches in the world. Still is. Current membership estimated to be around 112 million people, around 100 million of them

in Russia makes sense. Long before the Protestant Reformation began in the early 16th century that led to all the non-Catholic, not going to listen to the Pope anymore Protestant denominations of Baptist, Anglicans, Lutherans, Methodists, Pentecostals, Calvinists, etc. There were a few Eastern Orthodox branches that split away from Rome. Some Eastern churches split with Rome in the 5th century, others including the branch to Russian church branch out from in the 10th century. Christianity was first introduced into the state of Kievan Rus that lost Federation of

East Slavic and Finic peoples in the the late ninth century accomplished by Greek missionaries from Byzantium, back before the East told Rome to peace out. An organized Christian community is known to have existed at Kiev as early as the first half of the 10th century, and 957 St. Olga, the regent of Kiev was baptized in Constantinople. This act was followed by the acceptance of Christianity as the state religion after the baptism of Olga's grandson Vladimir I, Prince of Kiev in 988, the year the church lists as when it was founded. Under this Vladimir's successors, and until 1448, the Russian church was headed by the metropolitan of Kiev, who after 1328 resided in Moscow and formed a

metropolitan of the Byzantine Patriarchate. Patriarch, yes, okay, I said it right, okay. And yes, I just threw some very uncommon words out there. I'd never said any of those out loud before this week ever. Let's explain what these terms mean. A metropolitan in the Eastern Orthodox Church was the head of an ecclesiastical province. Originally, a metropolitan was a bishop of the Christian church who resided in the chief city or metropolis

of a civil province of the Roman Empire. And for ecclesiastical purposes, administered a territorial area. So like, yeah, like a Roman Catholic bishop. You know, it would be the head he would reside in the biggest church of a geographical area where that church was like the capital, kind of like the capital city of a province. The first known use of this title comes from the council of Nicaea and 325 CE.

We'll meet a few metropolis. Metropolitan, excuse me, and I have in the terrible story today. Basically, think of that term as being interchangeable with archbishop, a big wig, a church leader, and a patriarchate is the official, is the office, excuse me, of a patriarch who is the kind of leader, but not really of the Eastern Orthodox Church. Under the unliked Roman Catholic Church, the Eastern Orthodox Church doesn't have a true Pope equivalent. They have metropolitan who are basically again, these archbishop's who each oversee a region. And these, you know, archbishop's lead the church collectively with the archbishop of Constantinople, being known as the first among equals and the symbolic leader of the other leaders.

It can be a bit confusing, I know. And it's now over here today. So I won't spend forever trying to wrap my head or yours around Eastern Orthodox historical leadership hierarchy. For our story today, just know that the metropolitan of Moscow took young Ivan the terrible under his wing and sold him on this vision of turning Muscovy into a new Roman Empire, where the Russian Orthodox Church would be its Roman Catholic equivalent, and he would be its Pope equivalent. The man who would give Ivan the authority to basically act on behalf of God to rule the Russian people didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart. He did it to gain more power of his own.

He tried to sell Ivan on this concept of Moscow, excuse me, being the quote, third Rome. The first, obviously, being Rome, the second Rome being Constantinople, capital of the Eastern Roman Byzantine Empire. And then in this guy wanted, you know, Moscow to be the next big Christian city, big headquarters for a huge Christian Empire. The Russian Orthodox Church have been growing and powered Moscow for over two centuries prior to Ivan's rule thanks largely to the Mongols who conquered it. While Russia lay under Mongol rule from the 13th to the 15th century, the Russian Church enjoyed a favorable position, obtaining immunity from taxation that led to a remarkable growth of monasticism.

It was a good time to be a monk. The Mongols would leave you alone if you were a monk. Monasticism is an institutionalized religious practice, or movement, who members attempt to live by a rule that requires works that go beyond those of either the common man or the ordinary spiritual leaders of their religions. Commonly celibate, always ascetic, setacism being a lifestyle characterized by abstinence from sensual pleasures, the monastic individual

separates himself or herself from society either by living as a religious recluse or by joining a community of others who profess similar intentions. And so there was a huge rise in monasteries and, you know, convinced basically like, you know, nuns and monks. And for several centuries leading up to the birth of Ivan, Russian Orthodox monks and clergy and nuns and metropolitan, etc. kept the Russian people's culture alive while they lived under Mongol Muslim rule.

And the Russian people came to be very faithful in their Orthodox beliefs during this time. And they placed a great deal of trust in their monks and spiritual leaders. And then Ivan would manipulate that trust to do what he wanted in the name of God. God wants you to be tortured. He must want it if not why would I do it? For I am God's chosen emperor. He was at duty. The Zars power Ivan once said does not come from the people, but from God. By succession from the first Russian autocrat, Saint Vladimir, so he is answerable not to the people, but to God, and the people being not godless recognize this. See what he says there? Don't fucking question me. But if you question me, then I guess you're questioning God because I work on behalf of God,

and Ivan will fucking go off in the name of God as you'll see soon. And you mainly will go off on the boyars, Russia's aristocratic class. The boyars were a powerful wealthy landowners in Muscovy and Kiev and Rus during the 10th or the 12th century, the boyars constituted the senior group within the Prince of Moscow's group of advisors. You know, these entourage peeps called Drauzina. The boyars occupied the higher posts in the armed forces and in the civil administration, they also formed a boyar council or duma, which advised the prince and important matters of state. If the prince were akin to a president, the boyars were akin to senators, but wealthy senators, like of Jeff Bezos, or Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg,

Warren Buffett, were also senators and bent laws to make themselves even more wealthy and powerful. You know, shitty for everyone beneath them fun for them The boyars were a privileged class of rich landowners who served the Prince as his aides and counselors But also retain the right to leave the Prince of service at any time and enter into the service of another possibly rival Prince Without losing their land and money The motherfuckers had clout lots of clout, some lawyers at various times were, you know, probably more powerful, full of intents and purposes than the princes they advised. And Ivan hated these dudes. And he would go on to destroy many of them and destroy much of the clout for those

who lived. Now, before we go into the timeline, let's look at how terrible Ivan really was. Let's start off with the massacre of Navgarot. Ivan had Navgarot, a one-time rival city to Moscow, a city that Ivan already ruled completely and systematically and horrifically fucking destroyed in 1570 CE on the basis of unproven and likely fabricated accusations of treason. Ivan was paranoid. He was worried the city would either side with the king of Poland and turn on him or possibly

try and form its own thing. And he wanted to eliminate these possibilities. He chose to annihilate the city to send a message to other cities that he will crush you if he even thinks you're just loyal. May have also mostly done this because he was legitimately crazy. Mental illness manifested in the worst ways is always a possibility when it comes to this guy's decision making. He was very paranoid, very bloodthirsty, quite possibly not in his right mind. Ivan and his children of darkness would torture and kill men, women and children alike in the city.

Thousands and thousands would die in an organized over five week long massacre. Shit went full evil in Navgaron. Ivan's private, uproach, Nikki, army made it into the city four days before Ivan did, and they built a barrier around the city trapping inhabitants inside. They then attacked a few monasteries surrounding the city, looting their treasuries, beating and imprisoning their clergy. That had to have been a stressful couple of days for the citizens of Navgrat. Just watching Ivan's infamous children of darkness build a barrier around your town, not to keep invaders out, which was the usual reason for doing this, but to keep you inside. You have to know nothing is good or nothing good is coming your way, you know, from that.

Hey Igor, get the load of this. Look at the darkness kids, build wall with spike on this side. Why spike inside wall? That feel bad, that feel very much bad. Look, they have many monk tied up. Monk guys looking pretty bloody. Oh boy, I know soothed there. I know or call of Delphi. I have pretty good ideal future. That's it. Not look good. I got to drink much vodka now and bright dry and drown south and river or something. After his children are darkness and some other soldiers set things up, slap some clergy around for about four days. I even shows up with 1500 additional regular soldiers sets up a base camp just outside of town. He has all the clergy that have been rounded up beaten, brought before him in a 16 year old son Ivan Ivanovich.

And he accuses these people of being traders and he has them beaten a death. Fun bonding times with his boy. Go ahead son, grab some, cut some monk throat. Grab a little crab rock, bash monk head in, enjoy youth, make father proud. Beath tied up scared man to death for papa. Then Ivan and junior greet the archbishop of St. Sophia Cathedral, the Metropolitan, the primary church of Navgarad on a bridge over the Volkhov River that led to the city's main entrance. And there Ivan berates this this metropolitan this man named Piemann for being a traitor

Then goes to St. Sophia Cathedral Has this guy lead a church mass for them then has him imprisoned and is Opportunity start taking all the riches from the church take the church of treasury over the course the next few weeks Ivan his men will fuck up more churches and monasteries around the city They end up destroying around 30 religious buildings in total. Meanwhile, Malyuta Skurthov, Ivan's Darth Vader, head of the Opportuniki, has the town's boyars

and business leaders rounded up, brought to a special court slash torture chamber he set up in the city. And then there, while Ivan and Junior watch and sometimes participate, Malyuta and Ivan's henchmen go full medieval on some asses interrogating the boyards and other upper class members of the city trying to get them to confess to wanting to pledge allegiance to the Polish king

in some cases men are literally roasted on spits roasted on spits like they were rotisserie chickens dude still alive, chain to metal rods roasted over an open fire I'm guessing a lot of people confessed to a lot of shit They didn't do when they were being roasted on a spit hard to confess to you know Whatever your your torture hard not to confess to whatever your torture wants you to save if you're being roasted Yes, I did it. I told Paula's King. He might leave them now. Yes I said same thing to King of England and France and Sweden and China, a couple

kings in Africa maybe, maybe told some Ink and King and South America, whatever you want. Please stop roasting me. I even also had special frying pans created for this occasion. Had dudes fried, not even joking, in a giant skillet like they were fucking fish fillets. So ridiculous. And such a weird visual to me, like a giant skillet like they were fucking fish fillets. So ridiculous. And such a weird visual to me, like a giant frying pan. It makes me think of like a huge cookie head working for him,

like a giant cook, someone possibly big dude, the biggest spatula in his hand, dressed like a short order cook. You know, he's kind of taking smoke breaks in my mind. He looks like an Andre the Giant, like a 10 times Andre side just working to grow, how you want these guys cooked Ivan, meet them well, faces side up.

You like insides, bit runny, yes. You like hot sprung with gifes, skillet thing. Then according to one source, Ivan had the archbishop killed. According to others, he had him sent to another church. I believe the death version. This version, this is so ridiculous, but I do believe it based on all the things

I've read about this guy. In the version that he has this guy killed, I even has him sewn up in a bare skin rug somehow. The source is going to great detail about it. I don't know why I'm laughing. I know it's not funny. This is so fucking ridiculous. And then he has this guy released and hunted to death by a pack of hounds. I just picture them.

I guess probably so when the bear skin rug onto his dudes back with the head kind of flopped over his head, probably so down to his on his forehead or something. So when he runs, he's looking like a dude like in a bear costume. I mean, the stuff is just cartoonishly brutal. And he wasn't done. Time for the common folk to take their weapons various men women and children tied to slaves Which would then run into the like basically like sleds and then they just pushed him into the frozen waters of the Volk of River What that's families tied to sleds There's pushed down the banks into the river. Come on you guys

You're making the sad. Why not you yelling? Wee! Come on, just possible yell wee! When going for fun, Slayer ride. Those who climbed out of the water and tried not to drown were hit with axes and swords and other weapons or like, you know, just stomped back down underneath the water.

A German mercenary who witnessed this wrote about Ivan participating that day, saying, mounting a horse and brandishing his spear he charged in and ran people through while his son watched the entertainment Yeek The exile thousands of other people kicked them out of their homes told him to get walking to Poland. You want to live to Poland? All right get get to walking Now it's only hundreds of miles over there. Go on get They do this in the middle of the Russian winter so anybody who are sent out like that likely froze to death now for our never recovered estimates

regarding casualties range consider considerably anywhere from a twelve hundred to sixty thousand dying. I say never I guess you know decades later they would they would require after you know everybody who's involved in that in any way was dead they would they would recover they are a city. Another famous instance of Ivan Krultik involves a Metropolitan named Philip. Philip was a dude who dared to denounce Ivan's reign of terror.

Not a good move. If you didn't want to die, miserable death. Toward the end of his days, this guy wrote, it is better to die as an innocent martyr than to tolerate horrors and lawlessness silently in the rank of Metropolitan. When Ivan made it to met Metropolitan Phillips Church, he took his anger out on everyone there.

He had the church treasure, just some dude, who didn't even say shit about him? Just some dude who was good at moving numbers around, had that dude boiled to death in a cauldron. Had another dude hanged while men took turns hacking off parts of his body. Another dude was blown up by being tied to a barrel of gunpowder, they then lit.

Fuck, what about metropolitan Philip himself? Ivan had this guy in prison in a dingy cell in this monastery, chains hanging from his wrists and ankles, heavy collar on his neck. He was starved, you know, not given in food or water for days on end. One point, he quote, escaped the appetite of a hungry bear. It's written. I'm guessing that means they toned them with a bear. Made him think the bear was going to kill him, made him, you know, beg for mercy to their amusement. Eventually, he was strangled to death by Ivan's Darth Vader, Maluta Scurretov, and so many more stories. Some sources say Ivan carried an iron pointed staff with him everywhere he went, and then he would

just randle me fucking whack and bludgeon people who pissed him off. Like, you can be, you can be gave them some report he asked you, you know, he doesn't like with you, what you just had to say and he would just beat you with a stick. Sometimes to death. There was a story that once he had a peasant woman, stripped naked and used his target practice by his children of death.

No real reason given, just felt like doing that. Just felt like giving the boys some target practice, maybe he just didn't like the way he looked at him. Can you imagine living under these conditions? it's so hard to fathom. I mean, I even could have your wife or husband, you know, the mother or father of your kid, strip naked in the middle town just because, uh, I don't know, you know, you looked at them the wrong way, he thought. Or be, you know, because he felt like just using for target practice.

And your family would have no recourse. If you complained, you, you could be either A, ignored, that was best case, best cases you're ignored. B, also horribly killed, that's worst case. Picture this happening today, to get a true sense of how outrageous this is. This is gonna sound so over the top and it is, but this is what life was like,

for a Russian peasant under, or you're fucking peasant, for a Russian, anybody living under Ivan fucking peasant for a Russian anybody living under Ivan the terrible, you know, because he went after the the nobility as well. Picture your out of Starbucks, you're grabbing a Grande Isemoka, half the pumps, trying to watch your sugar, all the milk, no whip, you know, whatever it is you drink. Your partner grabs a venti-matchig-green tea latte, coconut milk, two extra cubes of matcha, one a little more, a little juice, hot, or whatever it is they drink.

The two of you're waiting for your drinks, and then President Trump rolls up with his entourage in his Starbucks, whoever's using him, because he's our leader now, the leader of your country, whatever country you're living in, rolls up, and your partner says, what the fuck?

As in, what's the President doing here? And that but Trump thinks she said, what a smuck. And then Trump's like, her, get her clothes off and get her outside. Time for some target practice. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, let's think about this. And you try and stop some secret service officer

or whoever from grabbing her. And that dude, you fuck, it's back to you over the head of the club. Drops you to the ground, days in you. Then as you, you know, you pick yourself up and kind of your eyes start to refocus. You see your terrified naked wife outside outside the parking lot begging for a life Her clothes have literally been ripped off of her body and then you hear some secret it, you know service A to go run

Go on run, and your wife starts to run fucking terrified tears streaming down cheeks across the street while parking lot And then you hear just gunshots that she makes about 30 yards, right? You hear the Trump show her who the schmuck you know And then these guy you know she just gets shot up fucking falls down dead and then these guys pop back in Starbucks Grabbed her coffees and if they don't kill you, you know, they probably beat you for a while the very least and then they just bounce You know, maybe as they leave joking about how funny what is he how she ran? Oh shit, man You see a little bit of it and then you have to go grab your dead wife's body and then bring her home and figure out burial arrangements. This is what life was actually like for people living under a psychopath,

like Ivan the Terrible. Another time Ivan had several hundred beggars drowned in a lake because he didn't like him. He didn't care for him. In another instance, Jerome Horsey, English explorer, diplomat and politician who spent some time in Russia, wrote about how a minor royal, some boyar, known as Prince Boris Talupa, and man, I've even didn't care for, was, quote, drawn upon a long, sharp made stake, which entered the lower part of his body

and came out of his neck upon which he languished in horrible pain for 15 hours. upon which he'd languished in horrible pain for 15 hours. Dude spent 15 hours impaled on a steak. I told you he loved Vladimir Pillar. Adding to the horror, this poor bastard's mom was brought in to say goodbye to her son after he'd been impaled. Bring mother in to talk to baby boy. So I tell you baby boy fine. He just, he just likes to stick around here for some reason

He's sticking around here because I put him on a time stick You see you see what I did that and then Ivan has his mom literally beaten and raped to death by his children of darkness The source said she was defiled to death Then he had her body fed to his house She's this it was worth it like any game of Thrones character. He was terrible to the women he loved to. Most of them at least after the death of his first wife, Anastasia, Anastasia, reportedly beautiful and subservient woman whom I've been loved as much as a monster like

this fucker could love somebody for eight years. He did not roast on his spit or impale her even one time. He was not nearly as nice as subsequent seven wives, especially to the last few. Ivan's six wife, Vasilya Nentyeva, was sent to a convent after she foolishly took a lover to be basically imprisoned for the rest of her days. And the dude she fooled around with impaled on a stick and put just under her convent window. Wow. You love him now. I could the right for you to spend time together. Put you on same stick

Make love shish kebab for you to Full disclosure about the Celia some Russian historians don't think she was I have his actual wife but a mistress Not that that makes what happened any less savage She'd be treated better than his next wife. She at least live his seventh wife Maria be treated better than his next wife. She'd at least live his seventh wife, Maria, Dole Korka. Dole Korkaia. Only 14 or 15 years old when she weighed 50-year-old Ibn in 1580. On their wedding night, he found out she was not a virgin. He got pissed off. She allegedly confessed to him that she lost her virginity to another man, so the day after her wedding, the next day, he has her drown in the river. Seems excessive. Another legend about Ivan's cruelty revolves around St. Basil's Cathedral.

St. Basil's Cathedral is literally the first image that pops into my mind when I think about Russia. To me, the most Russian of all images, now I'm using him. It was built as a beautiful Russian church in Ivan's orders between 1555 and 1561 to commemorate both the siege of Kazan, final battle of the Russo-Kazan Wars, the led to the fall of the Khanate of Kazan, also to commemorate the fall of Astracan, capital of the Astracan Khanate. The original super colorful buildings

contains eight churches arranged around a ninth. It's like an old cinema multiplex, but for churches. Instead of what movie are you gonna watch tonight, it was like, what's the church you're going to catch this morning? I don't know if it was like that, but it was a bunch of churches wrapped up into one building complex.

Located in Moscow's Red Square, built over the grave of Saint Basil de Brest, it's architectural marvel, and one Ivan legend is that when Ivan the terrible gaze on the completed cathedral, he was overwhelmed with his beauty and to be sure that Postnik, Jakaliv, architect who created it would never create anything more magnificent. He had to do blinded.

However, this common Ivan story probably certainly a myth. As Jakaliv in cooperation with another master architect, designed the walls of the Kazan Kremlin and the cathedral of the Annunciation in Kazan in 1561 and 1562, just after the completion of St. Basil's. Also designed the Northeast Chapel of St. Basil's in 1588, four years after Ivan's death, which would have been hard to do,

with no work in eyeballs. Perhaps the most terrible thing Ivan is attributed to having done, at least according to several legends, it was kill his own son in a fit of rage. Most historians have serious doubts about this actually happening, but for centuries, Philicide, the murder of one's own child has been the Zarr's most famous

terrible thing. This alleged act was immortalized by Russian realist artist Ilia Reppin, who between 1883 and 1885 made the famous painting Ivan the terrible and his son Ivan on 16 November 1581. Truly gruesome painting captures the dreaded remorse on Ivan the Father's face and the story goes like this. Ivan had always had a good relationship with his eldest son, but on November 19th 1581 he became very angry with his son's pregnant wife. Apparently because, I don't know, she was wearing some clothes

that he didn't like or wear. So he beat her with his beaten stick as one does. And as a result, she miscarried. And Junior beat her with his beaten stick as one does. As a result, she miscarried. And junior was, you know, he was peeved. He was annoyed by his dad, beaten his wife with his stick until she miscarried. So he confronted his dad and then his father and his sudden fit of rage raised his iron tip staff, smacked his son too hard in the head, cracked his skull, and the prince lay in

a coma for several days before he's coming to his festering wound. Whoopsies! And again, historians think this particular story likely fabricated, but it does sound kind of like par for the course with this dude. Despite all this violence, Ivan's reign was also a time of Russian revival in national unity and success. A century later, Ivan would be promoted as a national, or promoted to be a national hero by dictator Joseph Stalin, who reinvigorated the legend of Ivan the fourth as a demigod to help whip

up Russian people's confidence during World War Two. Okay, now let's really get to know Ivan and further understand his rise to power in today's timeline right after a quick word from our sponsors. And now it is time suck timeline time. Hail Nimrod. Shrap on those boots soldier. We're marching down a time suck timeline. All right, let's really start at the beginning. Understand Russia.

Understand Ivan. Long before the birth of Ivan the terrible way back in the seven century BCE is when Russia really got started when some Greeks started some colonies on the coast of the black sea. And when Scythians ancient tribes of nomadic warriors who originally lived in what is now southern Siberia began to occupy the southern Russian step. Millennial later in the third century CE, Goths settled on the western steps of Russia. None of them to my knowledge were trench coats or war. Not to black make up or made a habit out of creeping out of the classmates,

but they were Goths nonetheless. Century later in the fourth century CE, the Huns invaded southern Russia, a century before the famed Attila would lead these fierce warriors to conquer an empire that stretched from central Asia to present day France. would lead these fierce warriors to conquer an empire that stretched from Central Asia to present day France. Bulgars, Turkic semi-nomadic warrior tribes settled the middle Volga region in the 5th century, which encompasses the drainage basin of the Volga River, longest river in Europe, and central and southern European Russia. More genes get micked into the early Russian gene pool.

300 years later, the Kazaars, another Turkish tribe take control of the steps and settle near the Volga. Eastern Slavs also establish themselves at Kiev in the south and it's Navgorod in the north of the century. More genes mixed in. In the ninth century, Scandinavians made contact with Constantinople and began to keep trade route open to the south. An important man named Rurik is established as a leader at the settlement of Navgorod. Rurik was a Viking chieftain who arrived in the Lagoda region of modern day Russia in 862. He founded the first significant dynasty in Russian history called the Rurek dynasty. Old school Russian like the original OG. Descendant to this do we rule some part of present day Russia continuously for 21 generations, until 1612, 750 years, Iven the terrible

a descendant of this man. In 1882, one of Rurik's fellow Vikings, Olik of Navgorod, found the Russian-stated Kiev, now the modern-day capital of Ukraine, a century and several Rurik's later, between 980 and 1015, Prince Vladimir the Great, converts from paganism to Orthodox Christianity, and rules the Rur from paganism to orthodox Christianity and rules the Rook Dynasty while spreading his newfound religion. His son, Yaroslav the Wise, reigns from 1019 to 1054 as Grand Prince, establishing a written code of law, and Kiev becomes a center of politics and culture in Eastern Europe. In 1147 CE Moscow, as mentioned, for the first time in historical documents, just a tiny little trade now posed on a hill.

In 1156, the first Kremlin, a wooden stockade, is built in Moscow, just north of the Moscow or Moscow, Moscow, Moscow River, a Kremlin, by the way, historic, that means a fortress inside a city. Numerous Russian cities have Kremlins. Today the name is synonymous with the Russian government in the same way the White House is synonymous with the US government. That's what the cremland is. 1223 CE, the Mongols began to conquer the Rurics.

Between 1237 and 1240 the Mongols returned to finished conquering Kiev and Rus, destroying cities including Kiev and Moscow, the Khan aka leaders of the Golden Horde, also sometimes referred to as Tatsers, or Tatsers, depending on different pronunciations, will rule Russia until 1480, just 50 years before I, even the terrible is born in 1530. The Golden Horde was a fragment, still large and formidable, of the once gigantic Mongol empire that would further fragment over time into various nations called Connates. They'll become Islamic nations in the 14th century. The leaders of the Golden Horde, the Senate of Genghis Khan or Genghis Khan during the conquering

Batu, Genghis Khan's grandson burns the city of Moscow and it's Kremlin to the ground for the first of many, many times that Moscow will burn in 1238. Moscow very, very burnable as you're going to learn today. The center of the Orthodox Church is moved from Kiev to Moscow in 1326 the corner store and laid for the Cathedral of the assumption in 1328 the east orthodox metropolitan C aka Archbishop Officially transferred from the city of Vladimir to the one's tiny trading post of Moscow Moscow Star is rising also Ivan Kalita aka Ivan the first key figure in Russian history becomes grand prince of the grand Duchy of Moscow aka Muskovy that pays taxes or you know to its Mongol overlords.

So it's not raised to the ground again. Ivan the first we grow the wealth and power of Moscow into one of the richest principalities in Russia by utilizing the relative calm and safety of the northern city of Moscow to entice the larger and wealthier population to move there. I had some tourism board version of move to Moscow. Sure, it gets cold, but we get burned to the ground less, maybe butchered by invaders, maybe less than some other places. 1337 Moscow and much of the Kremlin burn again. No more orders this time just to random fire. In a wooden city, it didn't have modern firefighters. Whole 99 years since the last massive fire,

so you know life's still pretty good in Moscow. It's gonna be so much more burning to come. Ivan I, the first, begins rebuilding the Kremlin in 1339. Orders its pine palisades to be replaced with oak walls, which were I guess slightly less Bernie. It's slightly less apt to burn up. Things are good for a little over a decade. 1353, the Black Death, the plague, ravages Russia, claiming Ivan's disciple and successor

Simian the Proud, damn it. For more on the plague, check out our suck on it, episode 125. Beginning in 1359, the Grand Prince Demetri, Ivan the first grandson, starts to replace Moscow's Woodenstockade with stone walls and a new tower only to have Moscow burn again in 1365. Tens of thousands hurt, killed or displaced. Third fucking time, and 121 years, the city is burned to the ground. Most of the Crownland survives, because there, you know, they were starting to rebuild it

with some stone, and they get back to to building only to have Moscow catch fire again nine years later in 1368 son of a bitch. That year looked to win in his attack Moscow burning all the houses outside of the Kremlin's new walls to the ground. Fourth time Moscow is burned in 130 years. Terrible place to live if you hate long cold brutal winners and or get burned to a crisp. place to live if you hate long cold brutal winners and or getting burned to a crisp. Two years later in 1370, the citizens of Tevere, Tevere, 113 miles north of Moscow, people in Kahoot with Lithuanians come on down and burn all of the houses outside of the Kremlin's walls down again. Fifth time Moscow is burned in 141 years third time in 11 years

Good thing they rebuilt the Kremlin out of stone How much without a sucked if you live just outside the walls and your house burned down three fucking times And just to over a decade. Damn it. Why is there no brick guy in Moscow? Can we please get brick guy maybe stone Mason? Concrete guy something anyone who build house I was not wood for fuck's sake. It's too much. 1374 Muskevy rejects the authority of the Golden Horde's cons. This will of course lead to war. Six years later, 1380, major blow by the Russians is landed against the myth of Mongol invincibility in the battle of Kulakovol. It was fought near the Don River, celebrated

as the first victory for Russian forces over the totters of the Mongol Golden Horde, demonstrated the developing independence of the Russian lands from Mongol rule, which had been imposed on the Rus people for 140 years now, giant step for the Dutgy of Moscow and its rise to leadership over the Russian people and a victory that would later inspire Ivan the terrible to more victories against the Mongols. Also a victory that early Russians living in 1380 didn't get to enjoy very long because two years later the Mongols would kick the living shit out of them for fighting them. In 1382, Khan to Atomish, another descendant of Genghis, Saks Moskow and captures the Kremlin. The destruction of Moskow leads to the Prince of Moskow, Dmitry Don Skoy, to surrender once

again to the authority of a conate. Independence short live this time around. The Prince of Moscow would vacillate back and forth between declaring themselves independent and being subjugated by various cons for several decades until finally breaking free from their rule under the rule of Ivan the Terrible's grandfather Ivan III. Seven years later in 1389, damn near everything in Moscow, but the Kremlin burns again. Son of a bitch. Can we please get the brick guy?

How many times we have full burn? For we learn someone to work with brick. Oh, we're going to build with wood again. Okay, that's great. That's the fuck, fuck it. What's possibly wrong, go? This is six time, Moscow burned. 160 years.

They of course would rebuild again with wood. They were determined to keep this wooden city going. Begetting in 1425, 36 years later, the Grand Princes of Muscovy began acquiring more surrounding Russian lands to increase the population and wealth under their rule, building up strength, hopefully going to be able to fight the Mongols. You know, again soon, January 22nd, 1440, Ivan Vasilievich, also known as Ivan III, aka Ivan, the Greatest Born. This guy did a lot of conquering like his grandson would later do, but with way less insane raping and torturing. That's why he used to be great and yet another guy's terrible. He would be the first Prince of Moscow to call himself the Tsar,

but it would be his grandson, of course, Ivan the Terrible, who would become the first true Tsar, many decades later. Ivan III's father, Vasilie the second also known as Vasilie the blind was the grand prince of Moscow Who's long reign from 1425 to 1462 was plagued by the greatest civil war of old Russian history when various princes within Muskevy fought for power at one point Vasilie was captured and blinded by his opponents yet eventually reclaimed his throne tough as dude And 1448 something big happened that would allow for Ivan the Terrible's rise to power years later captured and blinded by his opponents, he had eventually reclaimed his throne, tough ass dude. In 1448, something big happened that would allow for Ivan the Terrible's rise to power years later.

The Russian church in Moscow becomes effectively independent from the Patriarchate of Constantinople. When the Russian bishops in Moscow elect their own primate, Jonas, a Russian bishop, who doesn't have to defer the Constantinople for shit. The primate, by the way, in Eastern Orthodox Church's top church dock. The head metropolitan archbishop, not a pope,

not a pope, but the first among equals kind of thing, like as close as it comes to pope in the Orthodox Church. And now the Russian church within the bounds of the Grand Duchy of Moscow, effectively its own thing. And this church would later bind itself to the Tsars, give the Tsars their holy power and become

basically what the Roman Catholic church was to the Holy Roman Empire. 1452, I have in the third Mary's his first wife, Maria of Tevere, daughter of Boris Alexandervich of Tevere, when he's 12 years old and she is 10 different times, I guess. Open their wedding night, had some shaperones, pretty creepy, if not. Next year, Constance Noble captured by the Turks ending the mighty Byzantine Empire. Former Eastern half of the Roman Empire that lasted for roughly a thousand years after the fall of Rome.

Constance Noble was viewed as being the second Rome, and now the idea of Moscow being the third Rome, the new massive Christian capital for the new Christian Empire of Europe starts getting floated around. We're religious leaders in Moscow, want Moscow to kick new massive Christian capital for the for the new Christian empire of Europe starts getting floated around. Religious leaders in Moscow want to ask out a kick the shit out of all the Catholics and Muslim Mongols around them and rain over a vast Christian empire where they have all the religious power just like it was when the Pope had dominion over religion within the

Byzantine empire and prior to that within the Roman Empire. On February 15th, 1458, Ivan III and Maria of Tevere have their only child, Ivan Ivanovich, known as Ivan the Young. Four years later, Ivan III takes the throne, becoming the Grand Prince of Moscow after spending much of the 1450s serving as co-ruler and regent for his blind father, Bacilli II. He has ambitious plans to grow the power of Moscow and tell the Mongols to fuck off for good Now 22 year old Ivan becomes the grand duke of Moscow without being confirmed as such by the Mongol Khan breaking tradition Assign of what's to come between he and the Mongols. He's not gonna kiss the ring He expands his territory as much as he can over the next several years while still being a a vassal state

In 1467 Ivan's first wife dies, something from poison, something from natural causes. She was described as being sickly ever since she was a kid. 1469, the marriage between Sophia, Palio Gina, the only niece of the last Byzantine emperor and Ivan III is proposed by Pope Paul II. And this shows how far Muskevy has come, right? They're on the Pope's radar now. Having the Pope propose a marriage. This was done probably with the hope of strengthening the influence of the Catholic church in

Russia, in hopes of some kind of unification between the Catholic church and the Russian Orthodox church. Ivan III's motives for pursuing this union were probably connected to the status he would gain, tying himself through marriage to the former Byzantine Empire. Makes this claim for a third Rome, more legitimate. The formal wedding between Ivan III and Sophia takes place in Moscow November 12, 1472. A year after Ivan the Great invades Navgarad makes it a puppet state, Ivan and Sophia would have a dozen children together, ten of them surviving past infancy.

Sophia through her oldest boy, Vesili III, future of Moscow, would be Ivan the Terrible's grandmother. The next year, in 1473, another huge fire, sevens fire in the past 244 years, if you keep in track. One massive fire, just about every 35 years. Moscow is apparently the most flammable city on earth. The fire destroys most of the buildings of the city of the Kremlin, of the Metropolitan's Court, on 1474, I, even the third dispatches him, dudes, to Venice to hire some kick ass Italian architects to construct a new police for the love of God,

hard to burn Kremlin. Finally, we get the brick guy. And I bet my call to Rusky asks, is he not to be able to shit for a common Russian? Kremlin be great, Kremlin be great. My house still burns so much. 1475 Aristotle theory, Fioravante,

they were now in the Italian architect, engineer, arrives in Moscow and begins rebuilding the burnt up cathedral of the assumption in the Kremlin. Also in 1475, Ivan establishes the first Russian cannon foundry in Moscow, blown shit up would definitely be one of his terrible grandsons, favorite pastimes. 1476, Ivan refuses to pay his tribute to Khan Amit of the Golden Horde. He's now officially told him to fuck off. Khan Amit doesn't care for this. Four years later, took a while for things to get ready back then. 1480, the Golden Horde advances up the Ergra, four years later, took a while for things to get ready back then. 1480, the Golden Horde advances up the Ergra, Ulgra River in an attempt to force the muskivis

to pay their tribute, or an attempt to force muskivis to pay tribute, and Ivan the Great's army kicks the shit out of them, and they retreat. So, hooray, Ivan has defeated the Paschik Golden Horde, you know, Tatar's, and gains freedom from, you know, subjugation to Khan Ahmed. I've also absorbed the veer, viyatka into muskovis, some more cities, rules at all from 1480 to 1505.

In 1491, construction of the palace of facets is completed in the Kremlin, the palace of facets, a building in the Moscow Kremlin, which contains what used to be the main banquet reception hall of the Muskovites, Zars, And it's the oldest preserve secular building still in Moscow today. The lower section of Savior Tower, Kremlin's main gate, also finished in 1491 on July 16th, 1493. Another fire in the Kremlin destroys the Metropolitan's court. Again, Ivan III evacuates his fire damage quarters. The fire at least spares the rest of Moscow this time. October 27, 1505, Ivan the Great dies at the age of 65 of natural causes succeeded by his son, the silly, the third Ivan the Terrible's father and the silly, the third would spend most of

his reign consolidating his father, Ivan's territorial gains. In 1523, Moscow is truly dubbed the third Rome Orthodox monk Philotheus wrote letters to the grand duke of Moscow urging him to fight against heuricists. Heresies, the Duchy of Moscow and the Monk's view remain the last bastion of the true Christian faith. Philotheus wrote, all the Christian kingdoms have come to an end and have converged in the singles kingdom of our sovereign. Two Rome's fell, third stands, and there will not be a fourth. I have in the terrible wood later, like a lot of cycle past throughout history,

really run with this idea of him being God's chosen warrior. In 1526, facility the third, 47 years old, he's been married to 36-year-old salomnia, sabruva. Yeah. For decades, and they still don't have an heir to the throne. And he's fucking pissed about it. And the more, and I said this before, but man, the more I do, like these old historical sucks, the more I understand like why in the US at least at Ellis Island, they just cleaned out people's names.

Because some people get pissed that they're like, well, you know, this is my name, but I mean, it's supposed to be a, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, and you know, they fucking changed it there, and that's, you know, that's bullshit. No, they just changed it, because no one could fucking say any of these words. It is, you know, like when you grow up with one language,

and then you encounter this other language, will they put, you know, seven extra vowels than you're used to in every word? Like, your name's fucking what? No, no, no, your name's Smith now, okay? So put up a hole, the heart of Kitana, Kurukana. Nah, we're gonna go, John's. We're gonna go, John's.

Anyway, Vaseeli, I got that one. He's pissed about his wife not getting pregnant. He's saying stuff to his friends like, how much, how much dick do I have to give to this bitch? Before she pops kid out of us. And his friends are like, okay, I think I see the problem is you're doing it wrong Uh, no none of that happens, but he does get frustrated with his wife Who is beloved by our people and beloved by the church and he is frustrated, you know for her not getting pregnant He convinces some boyers that would not be good if one of his brothers or one of his brothers brewed comes into power

Right, he needs to produce an error. And so they suggest he takes a new wife. And then despite a lot of opposition from the clergy, he divorces his beloved but bear in wife who hasn't done anything wrong other than just not your pregnant. And he marries a 16 year old princess Elena, uh, glint's, glint's caya daughter of a Serbian princess, scandal. Not many of the boyers approve of this choice, right? There's a couple he consulted with.

They're on board, everyone else's not on board. Church, not on board, because she was raised Catholic. Not even Russian Orthodox, right? Was this, was this guy gonna stick his dick and demon out? What's going on here? Of a silly, so smitten with Elena, he doesn't care who approves. He defies Russian social norms, even trims his beard, oh, gasp.

To appear younger for her, this apparently was a big social no-no. And now the people are disgusted with him. Who is this guy? After three days of matrimonial festivity, the couple consummates their marriage, and then more scandal, she doesn't get pregnant for the next few years. And now the Russian people began to suspect her lack of

getting pregnant as a sign that God doesn't approve of their marriage. God's pissed at their leader. Then in early 1530 she does get pregnant. Monsters forming inside her womb, it's Ivan the terrible time. Now we have made it back to Ivan. Makes me think that ACDC song.

When I'm back, when I'm back in black. August 25th, 1530, Ivan Vasilievich, Ivan IV, Ivan the formidable, Ivan the fearsome Captain Pupi pants, General Grumpy Gus, Lieutenant Luke the other way. Those last three or nonsense, Ivan the terrible born in a former royal estate located several kilometers southeast of Moscow city center. And the people of Russia are not overjoyed. As I mentioned, the marriage of Vasilili the third to a younger woman, a woman who was raised Catholic, no less, after being married for so long to Selam Nia, frowned upon by the Russian people. A marriage to church should not approve of. Many of the boyards

did not approve of it. Even people in other lands didn't approve of it like the patriarch Mark of Jerusalem of the Eastern Orthodox church there who wrote prophetically to the great prince. If you do this wicked thing, you will have an evil son. Your estate will become prey to terrors and tears. Rivers of blood will flow. The heads of the mighty will fall. Your cities will be devoured by flames. Maybe pretty accurate.

I mean, but of course you'd say flames, right? Not much of a prediction there, really. Dude, just knew a little bit about Moscow's very flammable history. Anyway, Ivan IV's life started with this ominous warning. Two years later, on October 30th, 1532, Ivan's only siblings his brother, Yuri is born. And then on December 4th, 1533, the next year, Ivan and Yuri's father dies from blood poisoning. Ivan is far too young to govern, and only three years old, although if they knew how terrible he'd become in later moments, you know, they might have just said, I got

ahead and just let him rule. You might have been a better ruler at three than he would be for most of his adulthood. The governing of Russia falls to his mother and the boyard Duma, boyard Duma, a scholarly term used to describe the royal council or upper strata of the ruling elite in the 15 through 17 centuries in Russia. Ivan's mother, young Alina, only 23 years old, she doesn't get along too well with the boyard Duma. She rejects a lot of their advice, which she own doesn't sit well with them. They feel disrespected.

And this does not predispose them to be super nice to her sons. One historian wrote regarding Ivan's mom, the new regent acted in a haughty and arbitrary manner, disregarding the boyars and relying first on her uncle and after his death on her lover. And then on April 4th, 1538, four and a half years after his father's death, when Ivan is only seven years old, his mom dies, and her lover is murdered a few days later.

And very likely that she was murdered, like almost for certain. She was poisoned, assassinated by a member or members of the boyard Duma, most likely poisoned by someone working for members of the Shushki boyard family, who would essentially take over in rural Russia when she died, various members of the Shushki and Beltsky boyard families, arguably the two most powerful boyard families in Muskope, would rule for the next nearly nine years until Ivan reached the age of majority, the age of 16, when he was deemed old enough to take the throne. An Ivan would grow up to hate these boyars. According to letters, he'd later write Ivan along with his younger brother Yuri often felt neglected and offended by the mighty

boyars from these families. In a letter, he later wrote Ivan remembers, my brother Yuri, of Blessed Memory, and me, they brought up like vagrants and children of the poorest. What have I suffered for a want of Godments and food? He paints this kind of a Oliver twist depiction of his blessed memory. And me, they brought up like vagrants and children of the poorest. What have I suffered for a want of Godments and food? He paints this kind of a Oliver twist depiction of his childhood. May or may not be true, but probably definitely true that these guys didn't care for him very much and he didn't care for them. Ivan's childhood was not the childhood he felt was owed to him as a future prince of Moscow. His childhood was full of a lot of people he didn't care about, kiss and his ass, and a lot of people he did care about ignoring him,

at least in his, his eyes. A historian wrote of his upbringing, all evidence suggested Ivan the fourth was a sensitive, intelligent, and precocious boy. He learned to read early and read everything that he could find, especially Muscovite church literature. He became of necessity, painfully aware of the struggle and intrigues around him, and also of the ambivalence of his own position

the same boyers who formerly paid Abescience to him as an autocrat treated him with utmost respect and ceremonial occasions neglected and salted and injured him in private life and in fact They deprived him at will of his favorite servants and companions and ran the palace as well as Russia as they pleased It will of his favorite servants and companions and ran the palace as well as Russia as they pleased. Bitterness and cruelty expressed, for instance, in his torture of animals became fundamental traits of the young ruler's character. And yes, it seems like many future sociopaths he did torture animals as a child or as many

sociopaths. When he was young, he tortured animals. By the age of 12, he was apparently known to torture cats. Also remember to have torn the feathers off of birds, gouged the eyes out of various pets, all kinds of horrible stories about what he did to animals. By the age of 12, he was apparently known to torture cats. Also rumored to have torn the feathers off of birds, gouged the eyes out of various pets, all kinds of horrible stories about what he did to animals. Also witnessed the boyers around him do a lot of horrible shit. Young Ivan watched various mentors and servants who cared for him, end up getting murdered. One of his mentors was apparently skinned alive for being a traitor. I really stuck with you man. Remember I hear that term, skinned alive.

How possible is that? How much skin do you have to have flayed off of you before you die? Can you live with no skin? I did way too much googling to try and find out the answer to this question. Can you live with all your skin skinned off? Flayed off, you know?

And after all this time, I still was non-sentaiable criminal watch list. I must be on one now. Some sources say you can live for a full day after having all your skin taken off, but I don't, you know what? I don't buy it. Not all of your skin. It seems that when one was skinned alive, they had large chunks of their skin removed,

but not all of it. Most of their skin on their back would be flayed and peeled off, or maybe most of their chest skin, maybe a good deal of skin on portions of their thighs, calves, upper arms. But think about how hard it would be to have your hands and your feet skinned, or your face and neck skinned, or your balls, or your vagina, your taint. You would die before anyone got all of your skin. Nothing I can find points to a definitive case of one person losing literally all their skin, like right down to their eyelids, and somehow still being alive.

Nothing any of that would be any kind of, you know, consolation to someone who lost just like half their skin. You know, I don't think you'd be standing in some medieval dungeon saying that this is nice. This is not as bad as I mentally prepare for. I thought that I was going to lose all skin. I have like half my skin left. I can live with this.

I can make this work. I still got my face skin. I still got my hands on feed skin. It's got to be good luck for me. Regardless of how much skin is meant to be lost, crazy that young Ivan witness something like that, growing up. For many years, the boy who was fought for control of Russia

while the young Ivan suffered quietly with his brother, neglected, used, possibly even physically abused. And then he took his anger out on various small animals. Then on December 29th, 1543, 13-year-old Ivan decides, he's had enough. He's not taking the boy or shit anymore. He's not quite Prince yet, but he's gonna send a message to lay off, treat him with respect.

And he orders the death of one of his least favorite boys. This is the first person he orders the death for, I suppose, he's saying that they were following the grand Princess Orders, a group of guards marching to the quarters of one of the coolest boys, arrest the man, feed him to a pack of wild dogs. That'll teach him. Ivan has just made a pretty big statement. He's in charge now and he's not to be fucked with.

If you're gonna fuck with him, all right, well, then you're gonna get fed to wild dogs. And I think it's pretty safe to assume he did not get fucked with a whole bunch after that. By the following year in 1544, young Ivan allegedly roaming the streets of Moscow, it's kind of a, you know, punk youth with a pack of associates, auditioning out beatings to whoever he wanted beaten, and possibly according to some sources, raping various women and then disposing of their body so they didn't spread rumors about him, had him had him hanged buried alive, fed to wild animals, drowned in the river, if we're to believe all the rumors. Some of this might just be slander's accusations written about those who didn't like him. He did have many enemies. However, you know, there is a decent chance at least somebody is true. According to most

sources, you know, he did spend his identity shaping years just becoming a brutal sociopath. Also really got into the church, interesting duality there, weird combo. They begin to spend a lot of time, you know, beaten and raping it It also a lot of time studying the church under the tutelage of Moscow's metropolitan, Macarius, who started really selling him on that third-row idea. January 16th, 1547, Ivan his crowned grand prince of all Russia. His regency has come to an end. And he does something no prince of Moscow had done before. He has himself crowned with the church's blessing, administered via his buddy, Macarius,

Zor and Otto Kratt of all the Russians, and Moscow's Cathedral of the Assumption. There's new title symbolized an assumption of power's equivalent, parallel to those held by Byzantine emperors, Totser cons, the Roman Caesar. The political effect of this was to elevate Ivan's position to extreme unquestionable super duper leader of everything

this was macarice's play to have must be be the new center of a new bison teen empire ivens coronation is our an elaborate ritual modeled after those of the bison t-emperors when it was over he declared all of russia united under his rule there's a new sheriff in town the best listen to him because he is not afraid to lay some hurt on your ass and he is also, and I cannot emphasize this enough, bet you fucking crazy. We have a new, very unstable sheriff in town. Buckle up

Moscow. It's going to be a wild ride. February 3rd, 1547, two weeks after his coronation, Ivan Mary's the boyar on Estasha, Anastasia Romanov Romanov Romanovna She is one of the Romanov's even they shortened one of their names. They're like we fucking cut the knot at the end There's it's nonsense Romanovna, ah doesn't roll off Romanov and with the hard consonant stop adding all this extra shit Yeah, she's one of the Romanov's the family who would later be the last ours to rule Russia after her son's death ends the Ruruk dynasty and her lineage begins a new bloodline with Zarmichel I. She was Michael's great aunt.

On Astasia, selected as the best bride for Ivan from a large number of suitable mates brought to the Kremlin specifically for a selection process. All the noble families throughout Russia, given an invitation to present their eligible daughters, it said he picked from between 500 and 1500 girls. Oh my God. I have to declare himself basically the emperor of Russia. Young Ivan immediately takes aggressive action against the totters of Kazan, who lives some 400 miles southeast of Moscow on the river Volga.

They persistently raided Muskevy for loot and slaves for the markets of Persia and Turkey. They've been at it for hundreds of years and he wanted to prove to his people that he was worthy of his new title by putting it into that shit. I've been built a fortress of Savaski on the east bank of the Volga as an advanced base to attack the Khanate of the Kazan. Apparently, it was prefabricated with numerous components floated down the river like a some piece of IKEA furniture, pretty clever. I've been threatened to holy war against the Muslims to which the Khan of Kazan replied all is ready for you here

We invite you to the feast. That's a pretty bad ass shit to say Right he sends this guy later like hey man fucking coming for you tired of you looting our shit And he's like all is ready for you here We invite you to the feast of Blood Con didn't fear Ivan one bit. And then he easily defended his lands against, against Ivan's armies, against her initial attacks, not a good way for Ivan to start his reign, not a good look.

And you're trying to make it appear as if God is on your side. Then things get a lot worse quickly for Ivan with another fire. Who would have guessed it? What do they build the houses out of in this town? Kinlin, Paper Meshay, Soakton, Kerosene, Solid Town to be a contractor in. Joe Paisen, I were talking about this. So a picture in like some wealthy contractor living

just outside of town and a huge castle made at a stone and gold and jewels with a giant lumber yard behind his castle. Oh, we need to be rebuilding again. I'm happy to rebuild. No, short to go for it. Karen Mascar, I get to the wood ready. I don't know why that guy was Scandinavian.

Yes, major fire strikes Moscow for the ninth time. So many fires in this time since the city's a little bigger than it had been a few centuries prior. It has more damage. It destroys 25,000 wood dwellings. Damages, portions of the Kremlin, even blew up powder stores and several of the Kremlin's towers. This is a big fire

The fire started on June 24th 1547 barely six months into Ivan's reign and it displaced about 80,000 of his people Killed anywhere from 2700 to 3700 Some that didn't include kids for some reason. They didn't bother to count how many kids got burned up Ah, it's I don't know 5,000 kids whatever we'll make more Led to widespread poverty amongst the survivors, Russian author and historian and Nikolai, uh, Carmieson described the blaze. The fire flowed like a river and soon the Kremlin could take or odd a dense part of the city next to the Kremlin and the trading quarter burst into flames.

The crackling of fire and the cries of people from time to time were drowned out by explosions of gunpowder, which was stored in the Kremlin and other parts of the city. It's chaos. Making things worse. Like much the rest of Europe, the people of Moscow believed strongly in shit like witches and wizards, and the dark powers of the occult, and rumors almost immediately started to spread that the fire was the result of sorcery, instead of something much more reasonable, like someone, you know, dropping a lit pipe or falling asleep before putting out the fire in their stove. These rumors focused on the glinsky family. They set the fire fucking glinsky's using their witchcraft.

Muscovites believed that Anna glinsky, Ivan's grandmother, quote, by sprinkling the houses in streets with water in which human hearts had been soaked, set the city a light. That witch! And they felt the rest of the glinsky's were evil as well. So mobs of scared angry people, like picture like the classic medieval scene of a mob of peasants holding torches and pitch, kill the witch, find the witch, burn them. Started hunting the glinsky's gown like they're going through the burnt remains of this city,

looking for these people, burned the wizards, killed the stone them. That kind of vibe. Yuri Glyn's key, Ivan the Force uncle, literally runs through the streets, being chased by this fucking mob. He tries to hide in a church, only to be dragged out into the street

and stone to death in the square. And then the mob continues to search for other family. We must kill them all, and burn the witches. A few days later, a massive city residents turn up at a royal palace at the village of Vorob Yolvo near Moscow where Ivan the fourth had gone to escape the fire. They demanded the Zara's grandmother be brought out to be punished, you know, to be killed.

Ivan the terrible is terrified. He later reflected on this event, fear ignited in my soul and shivered in my bones. Ivan was able to convince Muscovites. He was not hiding any of the Glynzky family members in the crowd left without Kelna's grandma. And he would be haunted by the memory of this for the rest of his days. Important to note that his barbaric is Ivan was. He also was a reflection of the times he lived in. Shortly afterwards Ivan returned to the city, sat in by what he saw.

The poverty created was devastating. Left thousands possessing nothing more than the clothes on their backs. He turned his attention away from attacking the Mongols, focused on fire safety in the city about time. He ordered a new law by which all Moscow residents had to place a barrel of water in their yard, another one on the roof of their house. They were also ordered to construct ovens and fireplaces in kitchen gardens and waste grounds far from dwellings. The burning of ovens and houses for bidding during the summer also has the first water pumps invented for the purpose of fire extinguishing built in Moscow.

Finally, finally, we get some guy who do something about fire. We still not have fucking brick guy for common folk. Still wood, but now we have water for wood and that, that is good. So so far as a leader, I have been not terrible, not so terrible. Two years later in 1549, the first Zemsky Sabore, the Russian Parliament, also known as the assembly of the land convenes, generally composed of representatives from the ecclesiastical and monastic authorities, the Boyar Council, the land-donning classes, urban, free men, elections for representatives and sessions of each group held separately. Ivan was the leader, right, by birth, but the rest of the people have a voice in government

and I've been hated. Soon he'll figure out how to rule without having to run anything by anyone. Two years later in 1551, Ivan introduces a new legal code, new system aims at the elimination of corruption and oppression on the part of centrally appointed officials by means of popular participation in local affairs, various localities had already received permission to elect their own judicial authorities to deal with crime. Now in areas whose population guaranteed a certain amount of due to the treasury, other locally elected officials replaced these centrally appointed governors. And even when the governors remained, the people could elect assessors to check on those

governors. So interesting. Could impeach them, impeached them, excuse me, when necessary. So he weakens the power of much of the nobility by doing this. Now he keeps his title again, as being a hereditary one, but he's now taken away the power of the nobility. Now, more people get to be voted in. He's crafty. He also further weakens the nobility by canceling the right of the lawyers to basically kill any peasant they wanted for any reason at all.

He can still do that, but they couldn't do that anymore, which makes life a little better for many. And how nuts is that? The before he, yes, he has to pass the law to get rid of that. Hey, no more just kill whoever wants for any reason. Wait, that's probably not good. I still do it, but not for everyone. Makes me think of my Starbucks example again from earlier.

Despite past these reforms, Ivan, yeah, not a man of the people. He didn't give a shit about the rights of the peasants. He just does this stuff to weaken the, the nobility. Shortly after revoking the rights of the boyars to do whatever they wanted to peasants, a group of 70 peasants comes to Ivan to complain about being abused by their boyar. And Ivan doesn't think their gripe was warranted and he responds by having them stripped naked and their beard sat on fire. So yeah, again, not a man of the people. Following year, 1552, I forget, Moscow rebuilt a bit, passed on some new laws to prevent future fires, you know, making his people feel empowered, giving him a voice,

Ivan the Young's are refocuses on kicking that mongolass, right? He didn't get to it the way he wanted to before the fire. He's getting whooped a little bit. Now he's got to prove himself. He sets out by leading a Russian army, perhaps 150, he's getting whooped a little bit. Now he's got to prove himself. He sets out by leading a Russian army, perhaps 150,000 strong to besiege Kazan, a walled, moated town on a hill on June 16, 1552. They make it to Kazan. It was 719 kilometers, 447 miles away to the southwest.

In August and on September 2nd the siege begins. This is Ivan's first really big war. The first time he's really trying to take another capital. I mean, he'd had some little skirmishes against this Kahn A before, but this is, this is the real deal. This is the big one. This first big Christian versus Muslim, Jesus versus Muhammad, my God's tougher than your God, no excuses if I lose battle.

If he loses, the boyars and peasants back home could likely revolt. His reign could be over, no pressure. He has infantry, cavalry, archbussiers, he's the soldiers arm with this early type of gun, heavy artillery, barrels of gunpowder. The muskivites bombard the wooden walls of the Khanate with cannons, but are unable to break through.

Their infantry assaults are initially beaten back and then storms and trenchal rain blows down. The Muskevite tents turns their camp into a muddy bog. It's not looking good for the Russians early on in the seas. The Russians blame the weather on pagan magic. That sounds about right. Then they have some crucifix believed to contain a fragment of the true cross brought to the scene

and then the bad weather stops. And they take this as a sign that God is now on their side. Right. Big morale boost our God once you guys want you guys dead. Tauter prisoners are then tied to stakes close to the walls and I hope that they're pleased might persuade the defenders to surrender. But that didn't work because the Mongols were ruthless. The Tauter Bowman silenced the screams of their own by shooting their own people.

Ivan's next play was to blow up their defenses. He has men known as sappers dig tunnels under the walls of their fortress, explode barrels of gunpowder, which knocked down sections of the walls above them. These men also blew up the town's water system harder to wait out a siege when you run out of clean drinking water. After almost six weeks, the defenses are weakened enough for Ivan to give his men the green light to storm the town. The toddler defenders are overwhelmed. Many are slaughtered that day.

Ivan had done it. He had taken Kazan. Kazan fell on October 13th, two days after Dimitri, his first son and third child is born back home. He's having a good week. He's 22. Life is going pretty well. Things look rough for a second. When his capital city was on fire and crazy locals were trying to burn his grandma life, being a witch, things are better now. Now he has an heir to the throne, major victor renderers belt. He returns to a hero's welcome in Moscow. And Kazan, he has

the Muslim population expelled, kicks them the fuck out. Russian Orthodox Christian colonists are moved in. Mosques are replaced by Russian Orthodox churches And the totters of the surrounding country forced to convert to Christianity or be killed or exiled He's building that third room Then he gets really sick Following year the spring of 1553 he gets really sick as people did all the time of the days before vaccines and antibiotics And he thinks he's gonna die at only 23 years old also very common back then He gathers the top boy years to his bedside asked him to swear allegiance to his son Demetri

and these fuckers who also think he's gonna die they refuse they're like nah nah we don't like you like your son like your baby son uh they swear allegiance to Ivan's cousin instead and then unfortunately for these uh nobles Ivan does not die. And also unfortunate for them, his infant son Demetri does die on June 23rd. Now he really hates these guys. They'd forsaken his dead son. They can't take it back. They can't make a right. They'd betrayed him on his deathbed.

He'll worry for the rest of his days that they're not loyal to him. He'll be paranoid for the rest of his days. These people are just waiting for the right opportunity to remove him from his throne, and he's not really wrong. You know, a lot of them were. Also in 1553, Richard Chancellor, English explorer and navigator, becomes the first Englishman to penetrate the white sea and establish relations with this new Zardem of Russia. Ivan was pleased to open sea trading routes with England and other countries,

as Muskivy did not yet have a connection with the Baltic Sea. That entire area was contested by neighboring powers of the Polish, Lithuanian, Commonwealth and the Swedish Empire. Chancellor was happy to find a good new market for English wool, for receiving fur, and other muskovian goods. Ivan gives Chancellor letters to take back to England to invite more English traders to make the trip to Moscow. Because of this new relationship in 1555, the Muskivy trading company, the Muskevy trading company, also known as the Russian company, is established. It was an English company, the first major chartered joint stock company, the precursor to the type of business that would soon flourish in England

and finance exploration and colonization of the world by England. The Muskevy company had a monopoly on trade between England and Muskevy all the way until 1698 and then it survived as a trading company all the way until the Russian Revolution of 1917. Ivan's, you know, he's making all kinds of power moves. He's making most of these moves without consulting the church or the boyers, which was new, previous princes of Moscow had been seen as more powerful than the boyers, but not by a lot. They reviewed as the most powerful noble, but still a noble, But I've been the fourth, I've been the terrible.

He's something new. He's his own class. He's a czar and emperor. He's going to rule as he sees fit. He was religious, but he felt the church had no business interfering in the affairs of the state. He wrote stuff like, remember when God delivered the Jews from slavery, did he place above them a priest or many rulers?

No. He placed above them a single czar, Moses. What we love about it calls Moses a czar. I just link it himself to Moses here. While the affairs of the priesthood, he ordered should be conducted not by him but by his brother Aaron. Forbidden Aaron to be occupied with worldly matters. But when Aaron occupied himself with worldly affairs, he'd do the people away from God. Do you see that it is not fitting for priests to do the work of Zars?

Also, when the Than and Abirin wanted to see his power, or remember how they were punished, for this by their destruction, to which destruction they led many sons of Israel. You, boys, are worthy of the same. This all reads it, just do what I fucking tell you. I'm in charge. And the church for the most part, they didn't mind this too much because you know

It's Russia grew more powerful so that sort of their church as Moscow are converted into Orthodox chapels and various people forced to convert to the Russian Orthodox religion The boyars and I love it. They didn't love it But as long as they get to keep their land and profit off new business ventures like the Muscovy trading company, right? And this new relationship with England they were happy enough for the time being to do what they were told and just enjoy being rich. The boyars really didn't like it that when Ivan revoked a major privilege they enjoyed for centuries a short time later, a major freed on the boyars lost under Ivan was the option to pledge allegiance to another prince.

We mentioned that earlier. Prior to Ivan, right, they theoretically were free to join other princes, right? There was various princes and all these little towns and communities around Moscow. And if they're like, this guy was an asshole, they'd be like, okay, we're not subordinate anymore. We're going to go support Bob over here. Or hook us from the hot sauce to Kansukai, sequozy, whatever his name was. Now, but then Ivan takes that power away.

Now also, the lands that they hold, they only hold in the condition that they serve the Tsar. Otherwise, they lose those lands, right? He demands loyalty in a new way from the Nobility that no Russian leader had demanded before. You are loyal to me only if you are no longer loyal to me And you pledge allegiance to another, you know, prince somewhere else you forfeit everything you own also He goes after the the So he goes after the serfs a little harder.

They became increasingly chained to the land they worked on from 1550 to 1650 Ivan and his successors would gradually and surf the peasants more and more to the lands they formed in order to prevent them from simply disappearing into the woods. So he's not just taking away privileges from the nobles. He's also taken it away from the peasants. Peasants are not technically slaves, but new laws bonded them further and further

to the lands that they worked on. are not technically slaves, but new laws bonded them further and further to the lands that they worked on. Because prior to this, prior to Ivan, you know, like if they were having kind of like if a nobles having trouble with the prince, he could go to another prince. And also if a peasant was having trouble with a noble, he could go farm and work for another noble, not anymore. That's the land you stay on. Ivan would soon change the inability of Russian peasants to move up to social ladder in

a drastic way by turning thousands of them into his own private superloral army and letting them become Russia's new nobles. That sounds that we'll deal with here soon. So he takes away some of the rights, but then a couple years down the road, he's going to give some of the peasants a big opportunity to move up and become the new nobility. He does, his rule is so schizophrenic. He has so many different things than he chate goes back on what he did before.

He makes reforms and he takes them away. On 1556, Ivan annexes the conate of Ostracan after Waging War against this additional torture enclave for two years. To seal this victory, Ovenhaz, Ivan has the cons set on fire. Just some more cruelty here. Then a bunch of his men pissed on this guy to put the fire out.

Then he has his still alive burned pissed on body last several times with a spike whip or spiked whip. Then has him tossed into a barrel of salt. Has him stay in that barrel for three days. Then he has the barrel set on fire and rolled into a river. The guy is still alive. River puts out the fire, he's still alive to get him out of the barrel.

Then he has this poor bastard shot out of a cannon into a pool of acid. Then he has soldiers quickly pour milk on this guy to neutralize the acid, he's still alive. Then this guy is buried up to his neck in the dirt and Ivan has all the hair shaved off his head. Then he has fish from the river glue to his head with pine sap then Ivan's dogs aggressively eat the fish off his head Which I guess pretty unpleasant

He's dug up then forced to sit down on a chair made out of knives Forced to play a chess match with Ivan every time he whimpers. He's whipped every time he loses a chess piece He has a square foot of his skin flayed off and a hot coal shoved up his ass. Then, still alive, they let him go, and he lives for another 20 years and becomes one of Ivan's most trusted advisors because Ivan was very impressed

how he was able to play chest pretty well under that type of dress. And that was horseshit, that was too much. I just need to get that out of my system for some reason. There's someone to go over the top violence. I know the con conflict and lived actually. His name was Dervish Ali Astrakhani, but he took this guy's city, took this guy's empire. And Ali's defeat was another huge victory for Ivan.

So God is on his side. So despite past a lot of legislation that doesn't sit well with people, he has expanded the empire. He's getting more lands. People do like that. Defeating this conate made the entire Volga, a Russian river and gave Muscovy complete control of the important trade route to the Caspian Sea,

which they roughly 81800 kilometers, over 1,100 miles to the Southwest. The very next year, 1557, some sources say 1558. I even gave the wealthy Stroganov merchant family permission to colonize the East, paving the way for future Russian subjugation of Siberia. And yes, their name is Stroganov merchant family permission to colonize the east, paving the way for future Russian subjugation of Siberia. And yes, their name is Stroganov as in beef Stroganov. So delicious.

Thank you, Russia, for beef Stroganov. I love it. It's actually believed this very Russian dish was named after some of these people's descendants. The Stroganovs were the richest businessman in the Zardom of Russia. And a couple decades later, they would finance the actual conquest of Siberia. 1558 Ivan launches the Levenian War in an attempt to gain access to the Baltic Sea to the Northeast. And it's major trade routes, which would open up Russia to the British Empire, Spain, Portugal,

the new world of the Americas, and more. I mean, yes, they were already trading with the British Empire, but this would make it that much easier to get goods back and forth. His campaign against the Levenian Catholic Knights would last for 25 years, and it would not go well. This war got way bigger than Ivan anticipated when old Levenia collapses early into the fighting and is divided between Denmark, Sweden, and Poland, Lithuania, and those three kingdoms are now fighting for land.

So now instead of fighting one nation, Ivan have been just caught up in a war with several powerful nations that he haven't intended fighting just yet. Damn Eastern European geography. It was always too many fucking kingdoms to conquer and subject it over there, having flashbacks again in the Vlad the Impailer suck. This is why when I play risk, not even kidding, I don't dick around with Europe. A little bit of risk advice. Fuck Europe.

Right? No, thank you. Sure, the five army dick around with Europe. Little bit of risk advice, fuck Europe. No, thank you. Sure, the five army territory bonuses and ticing, but at what price? I never make a play for Europe with risk. I just try to keep its borders weak so somebody else doesn't get that bonus. Geographically, it just has too many access points, too many borders to defend.

Way easier to go for the Americas, maybe try to hold onto Australia. So much of what various rulers have been able to do as far as empire expansion has just been based on where the kingdom they were born to just happens to be located. Eastern Europe, a lot of countries are landlocked. Lands are rough, especially in the north, full of mountainous country. The Carpathian Mountains, the Transylvania Alps, the Earl Mountains, the Caucasus, lands of savage winners.

Plus, you start dicking around to the east too much. Now, you have Mongols or Ottomans or whoever attacking you from the vast expanses of the West. Ivan was born into a tough spot to take over the world. And he finds out during the Livonian War that accomplishing a third Rome is going to be quite the challenge. Two years later, in August 7th, 1560, tragedy strikes Ivan, his beloved wife, and Estasia dies.

Modern scientific research has confirmed she was poisoned, likely poisoned by boyers who wanted to kill her so that a daughter from their family could become the Zara's next wife, and produce possibly an heir to the throne connecting their family to the throne. These scheming bastards. Ivan knew her death was no accident, he knew the boyars were responsible, now he begins to really earn his terrible nickname. One historian wrote of this point in Ivan's life that if Zarr Ivan had died in 1560, before the period of his terrible cruelties, he may well have gone down in history as one

of the greatest of the Orthodox kings. His tragedy was that he lived too long. Before we get to his atrocities, Ivan does do another good thing in 1561. He has construction of the Cathedral of Saint Basil, the blessed finished. The same year, he also marries his second wife, Maria, Tamara Nova.

Tamara, Tamara, Tamara Nova, Yovna, Tamara Yovna with the Church's blessing. St. Basil's Cathedral was built with eight independent churches, again, in certainly a larger central temple. Each church consecrated in honor of important events in Russian spiritual or political life. It is a beautiful building. The church also commemorates Ibn's victories over the Kazan and Astra-Con

conates. St. Basil's Cathedral completed on July 12th. Two years later in 1563, Moscow's Metropolitan Marcarius dies. Marcarius, the man who had mentored Ivan when it came to religion, the man who sold him on the idea of a third Rome, and with Marcarius dead, Ivan no longer cares nearly as much as he did before

about having the church's blessing. The same year Ivan beats one of his soldiers to death in a moment of impulsive anger. The first murder he's known to have committed with his own hands. Then the following year in April 30th, 1564, Ivan's best general, a boy, are named Andre Kurbsky, defects to the Lithuanians and the Livonian war. And this seems to be the straw that broke Ivan's mind. He feels deeply betrayed and now shit gets real weird a new rush.

This is my favorite part of the suck. What happens next year, right? His beloved first wife dies, his religious mentor dies, his favorite general, most effective general, you know, sneaks off and joins the opposition betrays him. And Ivan now kind of has a little bit of a breakdown. He shocks his boy ears by announcing that he's going to abdicate the throne. And the final months of 1564, Ivan the fourth of Russia announces his intention to abdicate. He bounces out of

Moscow with a bunch of treasure, a lot of soldiers, and a few boy ears he trusted. They all head over to Alexander Vsk on December 3rd, a small but fortified town to the north where Ivan isolates himself. And then he writes two letters to Moscow after a month of radio silence. So first, he leaves and doesn't say shit for a whole month. And no one hits him up, you know, because, you know, he might kill him. In the first letter, he attacks the boyards, accusing them of treason and embezzling state funds. He also attacks the church, for siding with corrupt boyards and basically always being out to get him right after his religious mentor dies. Now he's He also attacks the church for siding with corrupt lawyers and basically always being

out to get him right after his religious mentor dies. Now he's not that into the church. In the second letter, he reassures the people of Muskeby that he still cares for them. This puts the boy years back in Moscow in a very uncomfortable position. Ivan may have not been overly popular with them. Numerous rebellions have been plotted. His first wife had been poisoned, but without him ruling his czar, a struggle for power would be inevitable. And a for power would be inevitable.

And a civil war would be probable. And if a civil war broke out, word would get out that muskivis was leaderless. And who knows might attack them and reverse the territorial gains Ivan had made, right? Because they don't want that. They don't want a civil war to break out. And now, you know, new Mongols come in and just fucking subject him all over again and could make life even worse for them that it would be under i've been you know possibly

they're also still in the midst of that cursed levonian war so not a good time to have the leader abandoned them and then i've been asked probably begged is the better word to please come back please come back and run shit again and he agrees but only if certain insane demands are met this is where sheikit's super, super weird.

Ivan says he will come back only if he's allowed to create a opportunity. A territory within Muscovy governed solely and absolutely by him. Yes, he was already Zarr. But he still had to meet with advisory councils and religious leaders who waited on decisions. He still had to consider their advice.

There were still some limits to his powers. Right, he still had to consider their advice. There were still some limits to his powers. Right. He sometimes had to get through approval in various matters. And now he was like, fuck that. Within opera, Nina, he would get to literally do whatever he wanted to do. He wanted God powers. If he felt like killing you, you died. No questions asked.

If he felt like taking your land, he just got to take it. No one from the church, no one from the boy or class got to say shit about it to him. And he got to take the church's land. If you want to take the boy, you got to do whatever he wanted in this new land. He wanted the power to deal with whoever he considered a traitor. However, he wished the boyers, of course, do not like this idea, but they're faced with this or civil war and everything I mentioned earlier. So reluctantly, they agree to Ivan's defense.

And Ivan then returns and divides his country into two parts. He looks like a country within the country. Here's the opportunity and the Zamshina. Zamshina, oh my god, the Zamshina would run as Muskevy had ran prior to this experiment. It would run the same way. Estimates vary, but they think between a third and half of muskiv became opera-tsnina. Situated mainly in the north, the borders of this land were a little bit confusing to say the least. Ivan did shit like he would take an entire town to be part of his new thing, but not the surrounding countryside.

The town would be his, but the rest would be Semshinina, which again continued to operate under the existing governmental and legal institutions, a land ruled by a grand prince who was just a puppet leader of Ivans. Moscow was carved up street by street, sometimes even building by building. On the same block, one building could be part of opera Shnina and another building could be part of Zemshnina. So it's insane. This would be like a Trump or whoever our president is, when you're listening to this, whoever the leader is, if you know, whatever, uh, decided to take the Southern States as his own personal nation, but also still got to rule the rest of the

country through a puppet government as he was running it before. Right. And then made San Francisco and Silicon Valley and Seattle and Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks and Aspen, Colorado, part of the new private nation attached to the South, but not geographically. And maybe downtown Denver, but not the suburbs would be aligned with the new nation, maybe Cortalains, Resort, but not the rest of the town will be in the new nation. Sears Tower and Grant Park can be part of the new nation, but not the rest of the Chicago area. You know, it's insane.

And some do think he literally did this because he was actually crazy. Others think he did this because if he asked to have all of Muscovy to do with whatever he wished, the boyards would have said no. So he instead asked for this. It was a crazy ask, but one he thought he could get something he did this, just to get the bargaining power, he would need to hopefully soon rule all of Muscovy, absolutely like this. The creation of the opera's Nina worked out pretty well for a dude who craved power, absolute power, and wanted to destroy the boyars. In his new land, once he carved out what he wanted,

he just started kicking out boyars, left and right, just taking everything from them. And there wasn't anything they could do about it. They would either get murdered, often tortured first, or there would be exiled and free to live in Semchenina as nobles. Nobles who didn't have any land and money anymore. So good luck with that. And again, nothing they could do about this. And then Ivan would give a lot of this new land and a lot of the treasure to

members of his new personal army built out of the peasant class. So I mentioned earlier that he was going to like elevate some peasants up into nobles. This is how he did this. He had this new army built out of the peasant class, the upper sneaky, originally an army of 1,000 dudes, these loyal, super loyal members of mostly the lower classes were charged with kicking out boyars, also with sniffing out anyone who was an extremely loyal to Ivan, and they were given carte blanche to do whatever they wanted, to so-called trade.

Really just to do whatever they wanted in general. The upper sneaky, the children of darkness, were the law in this new crazy land of opportunity cart blanche to do whatever they wanted to so called trade religious to do whatever they wanted in general. The average niki the children of darkness were the law in this new crazy land of opportunity and also above the law. The average niki were soldiers also ministers and judges and tax collectors and bureaucrats. Each member carefully selected and screened for unwavering loyalty to saw to the czar mainly selected from the military. Those who passed interrogations were rewarded

with some land, you know, some of that, like whatever land they took, whatever payments they took, they could keep some for themselves. I even had a new special army of men who were both totally devoted to him and absolutely ruthless. The numbers of the Opportunity Groove of Mathausen to 6,000 between 1565 and 1572. It even included some foreigners, mainly mercenaries, many historians cite these opera sneaks as the original Russian secret police, the men who created the template for later Russian interrogators like the KGB.

Not actually a ton of historical documents laying out exactly what the opera sneaks these roles were. Often described in semi-mystical terms, they supposedly dressed in black robes, rode black horses, or sat in black carriages behind those black horses. They were like ring rates straight out of the Lord of the Rings. They used the broom and the dog's head as their symbols, one representing the sweeping away of traders, the other the snapping at the heels of their enemies. It's possible written in some sources that some upwards sneaks carried actual brooms

and severed dog's heads around with them. That would be quite a sight. Some dude in a black robe rolling up outside your front door on a black horse carrying a broom and a fucking dog's head. That guy never brings you good news. That guy never brings you cookies. Never stop smiling to tell you how you birthday or that your yard looks nice.

That guy only brings death and pain and despair. Answerable only to Ivan and his commanders, these upper sneaks created a climate of fear and murder they could kill anyone they wished and they did, their main mission was to terrify the local population into complete obedience. Into don't ever question our godlike leader, Ivan submission and they did that job very well.

The stories associated with the deeds of the upper sneaks, you know, we mentioned them earlier, ranging from the grotesque and the outlandish to the equally grotesque and factual. People were whipped and paled and mutilated on a regular basis. Torture and rape was common. The mythical upper sneech ye palace featured in many of the tales. Ivan built them a torture headquarters in Moscow. Their dungeons were supposedly full of prisoners at all times, of which at least 20 were tortured to death every day, often supposedly in front of a laughing czar.

You just like to, you know, sneak over to their dungeon, you know, head down there and watch the show sometimes. Some of this actually is documented. Some of it is not. Kind of like with last week's super killer, Alexander Solanik, hard to know were truth ends and propaganda myths and slander begins sometimes. The story instilled Bicker over many of the details regarding Ivan and the opera sneaky today. Some of what was written was written by people who hated Ivan and had access to grind. Some of what was written

was written by those preposterously obedient to Ivan who wrote with a bias of fear. Anything they wrote that Ivan didn't like could literally get them killed. And some of it was written by Ivan himself, a narcissistic sociopath allergic to projecting any air of weakness. And on and on, you get the idea. But the opposite, Nikki, torture palace was real. And a lot of terrible shit really did happen there, like so much rape at this palace, their commander, right, Darth Vader, Melyuta Skurotov, like to round up married women from all around

Moscow in the noble class and watched them be raped by various soldiers for his amusement. And there was a strategic reason for all this. It was to fuck up noble bloodlines and leave nobles not knowing if their children were actually their children or upper sneaky rape children. These dudes were fucking savage. These maniacs, as we discussed earlier who in 1570 they attacked the city of Navgarad, you know, where the, the czar was, believe with, they were planning to ally with Lithuania and the still going on a Livonian war, using

forged documents as a pretext. Right, thousands were hanging to drown, maimed, raped, deported. And that, you know, oh my God, and that real life purge movie. There was a similar but less brutal sacking of Syskov following Navgorod. There was also the execution of a ton of Zem Sneech officials in Moscow. The Upper Sneaky even infiltrated the Russian Orthodox Church. The Tsar endowed a new, monastic order, and his brothers came from the Upper Sneaky. So he's even like, you know, filling the church with the upper Chniki members. A man named Prince Kurbsky who fled Muskeby in 1564,

spread tales of these psychopaths to the rest of Europe describing them as children of darkness, hundreds and thousands of times worse than hangmen. Before we continue, one more quick sponsor. Today's time's like is brought to you by the Superkiller's Black Belt and Machine Guns Self Offense Classets. Hello, comrades. It is I, social Alexander Solanik. I rebrand the business with cooler name. I not teach self defense.

I teach self offense. You never know when children of darkness be back for more rape and torture killing. You need to protect self, for you get skinflade. I teach neck-breaked cross-chop. I teach the carpet-aid kick. I teach to shoot the darkness kids of black horses so fast. And limited time, I teach cool tough guy lines. Like, do you know time of this? My watch say, bullet o clock!

Cousin K, I not even have watch! Sign up today, don't delay, kill everyone in way! Times like is not responsible for any murder charges and litigation that may follow from killing everyone in way. Sorry about that, it just seemed like a good spot for a self defense or self offense class sponsor. Now this wrap up the era of the children of darkness, eventually like most organizations that ruled through terror, the upper sneaky began to cannibalize themselves and fall apart. Internal quarrels, rivalries led many upper sneaky leaders to accuse themselves or accuse

each other. It's could be a treason. It'd be weird to have them accuse themselves of treason. I treasoned. I'd be weird to have them accuse themselves of treason. I treasoned! I did it, it's torture me. Now, they accused each other of treason, increasing numbers of Zemshnina. I fucking hate that word so much.

Officials were drafted in as replacements. Then in 1571, this new horrible experiment comes to an end two years after Ivan's second wife dies. Believe that Ivan himself had her poisoned. I definitely had a lot of people tortured and killed on suspicion that they poisoned her. Anyway, in 1571, something after attacks on Novgorod and Peskov, Ivan may have been crazy enough to start purging Moscow to, but then another army beat him to the punch. In 1571, an army of Crimean Tatars, more Mongols, devastated the city, burning allegedly

every single building but they're crumbling to the ground. Another fire and slaving tens of thousands of people. Man, this is a big fire too. So much for Ivan's new anti-fire codes. This is big, this is fire number 10. 10th time Moscow has burned in today's timeline in 333 years. The city burns off into the ground once every 33 years.

It's the most flammable city of all time and the people are pissed. Ivan hadn't properly prepared to defend the city. His opportune despise had greatly misjudged how large of an army was coming for them. They told him it was just a few thousand dudes. They could easily fight off. No, it was roughly 120 thousand dudes. Whoops! Now, after arriving in Moscow, the cons army set the suburbs on fire and unfortunately for Moscow, it was a really windy day. Awesome for people who love kites, terrible for people who hate burning life. The wind blew the flames into Moscow and the city went up like it was made of canaling, which it probably was. According to Heinrich von Staden, a German upper sneak and the service of Ivan the terrible, the city, the palace,

the upper sneak, the palace, and the suburbs burned down completely in six hours It was a great disaster because no one could escape People fled and into stone churches to try to escape the flames only to have the stone churches collapse on them From the intensity of the fire around them and possibly from the pressure of the crowd squeeze inside them People jumped into the Moscow river to escape lots of people lots of people drowned the powder magazine of the Kremlin exploded. Those hiding in the cellar there were asphyxiated. When it was all over in the cons armies left the city, it was a marauding raid, not a takeover. I've been ordered the dead found on the streets to be thrown to the river, which a legend

has it overflowed its banks and flooded parts of the town because of all the bodies. Surgeon Rome, Horace St. English explorer, diplomat, and politician of this era wrote, it took more than a year to clear away all the bodies. Not sure if that's true, but you get the idea, it was a huge blood bath. One of the most savage fires in the history of Moscow, and obviously that is saying a lot. Historians estimate the number of casualties of the fire from 60,000 to as many as over 200,000 people. For fuck's sake, I ask for a brick guy for over a hundred years now.

I sold an angry, an entire of Berlin, please, please the brick guy, maybe send a block guy, anything but wood guy. Ivan would avoid the city for several years after the fire due to a lack of suitable habitation for him in his entourage. His capital was to burn up for him to live there. Also, before they could rebuild again, Ivan grabbed as much treasure as he could and quickly bounced. Not a great look.

They did rebuild again with wood, giving me more wood. Okay, so I give up. Someone put me on the roof of new wood building, just set me on fire. With the opportunity, having clearly failed to defend the country and also a growing number of upper sneaks implicated on various types of treachery. Ivan abolishes his private

insane army of root boys in 1572. The torture attack highlighted the damage that the opportunity had done to Ivan's kingdom. The boy years with the political economic and social heart of muskivism and by undermining their power and resources Ivan had destroyed much of the infrastructure of his country. Russia would never recover, well, you know, again, wouldn't recover for a long, long time. Wouldn't become as strong as it had been after Ivan had destroyed those two conates, but before he created the opportunity,

not during his rule, trade decreased, divided military became ineffectual against other troops, constant changes in government, cause internal chaos, the skilled and peasant classes now begin to leave Muskeby, driven out by rising taxes, and constant murder. Some areas became so depopulated because people are fleeing that agriculture collapsed. The Zars' external enemies began to exploit his weaknesses, turns out scaring the living

shit out of your people and murdering and raping people a year after year after year, not great for national morale. Now when the opportunity is going to come up for people to bounce in a nation like that, they're going to bounce. Ivan became more powerful internally through his opportunity, but now he ruled a much weaker nation. Communist dictator Joseph Stalin would later praise the opportunity for his role in damaging the boyar aristocracy and enforcing central government. Another good sign that was terrible when Stalin thought it was a great idea.

Ivan would continue to descend into madness, the rest of his reign, beginning in October, on October 28th, 1571, Ivan, now 41 years old, gets married to his, it's going to be five wives in a span of nine years, starting with his marriage. Church not happy, and he doesn't care. Some think he did this again because he was legitimately crazy. Other think there was some method to his madness when he married one might wife, he would promote her family to its arbitrary new Russian aristocracy. Then when he chose another wife, he would replace the previous family with new aristocrats, adding more chaos to the boy our class, keeping any of them from getting powerful enough to maybe attempt to coup or something. 1572 has to deal with more Mongols.

If it's not fire, it's Mongols. And sometimes both. The Toddlers attack Moscow again. This time they do get their asses whooped by a new army. He's back, baby. Lost his mind for a bit with his children of darkness, murder police, but now he's kind of back to being a decent, ruler maybe for a little tiny bit. Ivan's army beats the cons army in the battle of Mollody, the Battle of Mollody, one of

Ivan's most important battles. Definitely his greatest victory during the post-crazy murder police period of his rule. It was fought near the village of Mollody's 40 miles slash 64 kilometers south of Moscow. The cons military consisted of between 40,000 and 60,000 dudes equipped with cannons, outnumbering Ivan's 23,000 to 60,000 dudes equipped with cannons, outnumbering Ivan's 23,000 to 25,000 man defensive force. The Russians have prepared for the invasion. Their intelligence was more reliable this time.

They set up fortifications just beyond the Okar river and then the army's clash on July 30th and fought for several days. The battle reaches peak on August 8th. The Russians constantly charging the totters rendered their famed archery ability almost useless in the battle. The battle was fought primarily with swords and spears, which is crazy to me, nine days of sword and spear fighting. How exhausted were the survivors of this battle when it was over?

After the battle, only 20,000 Tatar horsemen returned to Crimea. When the con left his tent, while the con, excuse me, left his tent and banner on the battlefield and barely managed to escape with his own life. Several of his sons died in the battle, also one of his grandsons. So Ivan's reputation is a solid, not so crazy leader is somewhat restored here. And then the next few years are fairly quiet with Ivan focused mostly on getting married a bunch of times and killing at least one wife like we talked about a while back. and married a bunch of times and kill him at least one wife, like we talked about a while back. Then in 1577, the Stroganovs, some beef Stroganovs sounds so good right now.

Stroganovs gained some territory in Siberia and add to Ivan's kingdom. They pay a Kossik leader, Yarmak, Timovaya Vitch, to protect Russian lands from attacks of the Siberian Khan Khuchom, more Mongols. In 1580, this Yarmak fella, conquers a good chunk of Siberia on behalf of the Russians who hired him with only 540 Kossik warriors.

He penetrates territories belonging to Khan of Kuchum. Kuchum Khan. Sounds like a made-up thing. Yermak pressures and persuades various tribes in the area to change their loyalties and become tributaries of Russia, some agree. Yermak forces others. He establishes distant forts in these newly conquered lands.

Yermak's campaign is so successful in the Kossik's managed to defeat the Siberian army in the battle of Chufosh Cape, and now Yermak needs reinforcements. He's doing great, just give him some more dudes, and he'll take over Morissaiberia. He sends an envoy to Ivan the Terrible with a message that proclaims Yermak Concord,

you know, Yermak Concord Siberia to be part of Russia. Ivan agrees to reinforce the Cossacks, but the detachment he sends Siberia dies of starvation before it can make it to him. Damn it. It's tough to send troops out before they had trains. Special in Siberia, not a forgiving land. The Cossacks are then defeated. Yermak dies.

Two years after Ivan's death, though, in 1586, the Russians do manage to gain a permanent foothold in Siberia by founding the city of Tumen. A city we talked about a lot, and last week's super killer suck were Solanik killed some guys. So the last big achievement of Ivan the Terrible was the concrete of Siberia for Russia happened to begin on his watch.

Now for maybe the worst thing Ivan did. November 9, 1581, right? Talked about that earlier. That's when something Ivan killed his son. Ivan Jr. Err to his throne. Did he really bash his sons headed with the cane when his son yelled at him for ruffin up his son's wife

to the point she miscarried? Maybe, maybe not. 1963, the corpses of Ivan the Terrible and his sons, Ivan and Fiodor were temporarily exhumed. The bones of Ivan and his son Ivan contain high levels of mercury, comparable to the high levels of mercury found in the bones of Ivan's first wife when her remains were exhumed three decades later. And the research seemed to suggest that Ivan's the terrible son was most likely poisoned

as was Ivan. Also Ivan the terrible was preparing Ivan, you know, his son for Zardom, making him a military commander, somebody in him to discuss state affairs. So it was unlikely that Ivan would kill his heir given the disastrous consequences it would bring a dynastic crisis. However, Mercury, the analysis, the Mercury analysis doesn't guarantee that Ivan was poisoned. And there is the thought that his dad truly was crazy. And crazy people do crazy shit sometimes, like bash their son's head in. So I guess believe what you want to believe, regardless of how his eldest son

died, the last few years of Ivan's reign, not good. The year his Ivan, the year his son Ivan died, murdered by him or otherwise, Ivan formally asked the pope to negotiate an end to his war with Poland, Lithuania, the pope intervenes, the Livonian War finally ends over two years later, 25 years after it began in 1583. Russia surrenders all of its gains and made in this war with its peace agreement. There was no definitive record of how many thousands of Russians died over the course of this war in numerous skirmishes, not mentioned in this timeline. So it finally ends and it was, yeah, just all for all for nothing,

essentially. March 18th, 1584, year after that war ends, Ivan the Terrible finally dies at the age of 53. If they finally, even though he wasn't that old, just, he just, so much horrible shit, it seems like he was around forever. He said to have died from a stroke while playing chess with the Russian statespin and close friend of his, although it's also rumored that fed up boyers finally had had enough and they had somebody strangling. Or he may have been poisoned. Based again on exhumation of his bones, you know, I just mentioned that we're found to have elevated levels of mercury.

When he died, Boris was appointed as Lord Protector Boris Godunov. I think I said it right. And the Russian throne was left to Ivan's highly unfit middle son Fiodor. Fiodor was said to be a modest shy, sickly, extremely pious kid, dude, spending hours in prayer and contemplation, nothing like his father, not a leader. And he'd also have no surviving children. And the Ruruk dynasty founded way back in 862 by Ruruk that Viking. Instead of the first, you know, a really Russian leader would end with Fyodor's death.

And that will take us out of this time suck timeline. Good job soldier, you've made it back. Barely. So, I've been Vasilievich, I've been the fourth, I've been the formidable, I've been the fearsome Captain Pupi Pants, General Grumpy Gus. They're 10 to look the other way. I have in the terrible guy who should have had a better fire department. Ivan Grosny was indeed terrible. The prophecy of the patriarch, Mark of Jerusalem had come true. But he wasn't terrible the whole time. Before 1560, he did pretty good. Other than torturing small animals and feeding that know, feeding that one boy or two some dogs, and maybe beating and raping a lot of peasants around Moscow and having bodies of women he raped dumped into the river

or fed the dogs. Okay, okay, he may have always been terrible, but he did seem to deeply care for his first wife. And he did overhaul Russia in some good ways, like giving Russia a better legal code, that he would later shit on with his fucking children of darker psychopaths. Okay, he was mostly always terrible, but he did unify his nation like it hadn't been

unified before. He did open up some new important trade routes. He did kick a lot of mongolass. He did oversee the beginning of Russian Siberian expansionism, which would greatly increase Russian territory, but again, mostly terrible. Rape torture grew suddenly creative mass murder, you know, hooded psychos on black horses, huge parts of his legacy.

Estimates put his desk around at least, around 60,000 people, 60,000 of his own people that he had needlessly killed. He publicly admitted to having 3,750 people executed, which isn't close to 60,000, but still seems like a lot. What I found interesting about this suck was how extremely sadistic and violent behavior behavior that shocks us when it's committed by a modern day serial killer like recent

suck subject Bob Bridella, the Kansas City butcher was just kind of status quo almost back in Ivan's time. Like he watched his mentor be skinned alive when he was growing up. He authorized the mass raping of Noble's wives to fuck up their bloodlines. He and his son Gleefully pushed people who had been tied to slaves with their family members back into the ice of a frozen river.

He had a pike shoved through a dude, a stake, then had his mom come talk to him as he slowly died on that stake before having her raped and beaten to death. And thanks to previous, you know, sucks on subjects like Vlad the Impaler and the Spanish Inquisition, this type of shit wasn't that a typical. Thanks Nimrod that today for the most part psychos like I even the terrible or Bob Bridella or Leonard Lake or Charles Ing from a few weeks ago are not even close to the norm. As much as we talk about dark people here on the suck, way more good people way more good people. COVID-19 sucks for

sure, but doesn't suck nearly as bad as living under the rain of Ivan the terrible did. That was something I thought about during the research. For this thankful to be alive today is weird as the times are right now. Oh, wouldn't trade them wouldn't trade them for these times. Whoa, still a great time to be alive. And time now for today's top five, take aways. Time, suck, top five, take away. Number one, Ivan's most famous nickname, the terrible actually initially meant as a compliment. It was mistranslated. And then ironically, the mistranslation suits him more than the original meaning of, you know, awesome or terrible to others ever did. Number two, ten times Moscow burned, usually the whole city to the ground ten times in today's timeline.

And we didn't even talk about another, probably the most famous instance of Moscow burning because it happened after the timeline. In 1812, former sucks that we couldn we can uphold and would also burn Moscow to the ground. His fire destroyed 75% of the city. Roughly 6,500 homes, 8200 businesses and 122 churches were destroyed, 12,000 citizens burned alive, and a few hundred thousand displaced. So if you take a trip to Moscow, make sure the sprinkler system is up to code

at whatever hotel you're standing. Number three, the upper Nina, holy shit, the children of darkness. How weird was that period of history when those guys were just riding around on their black horses with their black robes, just torturing, killing, raping, just whoever they placed? Number four, Ivan May have came to his crazy mindset,

honestly, both his parents were dead by the time he was eight, his mom was murdered, whoever they placed. Number four, Ivan may have came to his crazy mindset, honestly. Both his parents were dead by the time he was eight. The mom was murdered. The nobles put in charge of him, hated him. Nobles who likely murdered his mom when it came to nature versus nurture. He definitely got the shit end of the nurture stick. Number five, new info. In 2016, the Russian city of oral inaugurated the country's first ever monument to Ivan the terrible. And a lot of people weren't and aren't happy about it because everything you learn today. The governor of Russia's oral region, you know, about 200 miles, 335 kilometers south of Moscow, backed the monument despite pushback, saying, Dirt's not during its inauguration that

Ivan the terrible was, quote, a defender of our land, Azar, who expanded its frontiers, which is true. He didn't mention about, you know, the children of darkness or how he had one of his wives drowned for not being a virgin or how he pushed families into a frozen river. The monument also backed by Russia's culture minister who has argued that Ivan the Terrible's brutal rule is a myth. And that his name was tarnished by Western travelers who slandered him in their writings. Man, Russian history, so hard to unravel. There is the official Russian version,

and then there is the rest of the world's version, oftentimes. And these two versions are usually miles apart. On the statue is another symbol dividing Russian society into those favoring Joseph Salon like strong men rule, and others to cry in repression and authoritarianism. More than 500 people signed a local petition that said we don't need a monument

to a tyrant in our city. Demetri, Krayukhin, an activist, said it showed Russian society's demand for a heavy hand for putting state needs several rungs above those of the individual. And the more I learned about Russia, the less I feel I understand it in many ways. And also the more I wanna know, such an interesting place,

I am sure that we will be back soon. Ivan the Terrible has been sucked. I learned a lot. I hope you did too. I like to learn how it began with the Viking colony later sacked by Mongols, later led by Moscow princes who fought for independence. And I like to learn how without Ivan Ivan the terrible, there may have been no Russia as we know it today. Right. He kicked off the czar phase of its history that turned it from just one of many Eastern European, you know, minor vassal states into an ambitious and very powerful empire.

Thank you to the time stock team, Queen of Bad Magic, Lindsey Cummins, Reverend Dr. Joe H.J. Paisley, Biddelixer, Logan and Kate is spicy club bread and bad magic merch.com one of the socials thanks to the script keeper Zach Flannery So much good info for this suck thanks to all those involved in keeping the cult of the curious private Facebook group of fun in a Reverend and inviting and supportive place to virtually hang over 19,000 members in there. Yeah. Yeah. Love it

Thanks to all the all-seeing eyes of the cult, helping the countess of the cult, Liz Hernandez, run that private Facebook group. Thanks to Liz for overseeing the both Jangles emails as well. Thanks to beef steak for keeping the Discord channel fun. You can access the TimeSuck Discord channel, via the TimeSuck app available in the Apple and Google Play stores, over 6,000 members currently goofing around over on Discord.

Also, thank you to the many time suckers who send gifts to the suck dungeon every week. Links for the online groups and the address of the suck dungeon in the episode description. Next week, we get maybe darker. The fuck's going on, Luciferina, did you kill Nimrod? You can clearly take over the suck.

The space lizards voted in the topic of killer kids. And the scriptkeeper tells me it is maybe the most interesting topic he has researched thus far. And I'll be spending three or four additional days on it to get it ready for you to hear next week. We're gonna try to figure out why young killers have done what they've done. Now is the answer in the genes or in the environment?

Nature versus nurture again. Is there an agreed upon ratio of the two? What are the commonalities and the red flags? These killer kids have, if any. What sort of mental and physical processes do these kids go through? Most importantly, what if anything, can we do about it to prevent kids in the future from killing?

We're gonna look into everything from psychotropic drugs to violence and media, to bad parenting, bullying, brain tumors, more. And of course, we'll lay out numerous, pretty chilling examples of kids who have, for whatever reason, chosen to kill. So killer kids next Monday. Now time for today's time, sucker updates. Love this first update comes from a Russian-American sucker

who questions the sources used for the Solonick's suck. Top shelf Russian suck sack, Alexander G. writes, greetings Master Time sucker, aka Lord of the Curious. Been a fan of your comedy for years and two months ago discovered your podcast. I have been bingeing it ever since. Love the combination of interesting topics and your unique comedy style.

It creates fun and very engaging content. Well, thank you. I was born in 1980 in the Soviet Union. Later in 2001, I immigrated to the US where I currently live today. So you can imagine my excitement when I saw your last topic was about Solanik. I grew up during the wild 90s and remember his name always being in the news. Listing to you talk about those times brought back a lot of good memories and made me laugh about those crazy times.

However, the source you used for the podcast is full of shit. There were so many made up and ridiculously exaggerated statements that I don't even know where to start. I do not claim to know everything about Solonik, but there are many books and articles written about his life in Russian. Only the code of intransited. One of them is a book by his lawyer and many articles based on the information released by the police. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.

According to those sources, Solonik was a below average student. And after eighth grade, he left school and got into a trade school. It got into a trade school. None of the sources mentioned him having a black pill is anything. He did do freestyle wrestling. At 18, he joined the Army, served in Eastern Germany. He was never kicked out. In fact, he was honorably discharged and received a stellar recommendation.

He used that to enter a police academy in Kürgen, but was kicked out after six months under very mysterious circumstances. Then he worked as an undertaker, where he met his future gangster friends. He was never in Oman, because Oman did not exist until 1988, and 1987, he was arrested for rape, but managed to escape. However, it was caught again two months later, was sent to prison. He managed, no, he escaped in 1990.

And only after that year, he began killing. I can go on and on, but I think you get the point. Anyways, I also wanted to say, I really enjoy listening to the episodes that deal with Russian history and your impressions of Russians are hilarious. In addition, I would like to humbly suggest a few topics for future episodes related to Russian history.

Alexander, Suvorov, Kossik's, yeah, mention them a little bit today, Spitsnoss, GRU. Hope you consider it. Thank you for all the great work that you do since, certainly, a Soviet space wizard. Well, thank you, Soviet space wizard, Alexander. I mean, I love that you called this out. In fairness to me, I did say that I also thought the sources were possibly very full of shit and openly mocked the best one I could find. I like her foot nails mother. I will say as far as Oman goes, the current version of Oman was formed in 1988. You are

correct. But Oman morphed out of another police tactical unit formed in 1979 according to numerous internet sources. Hard to tell with Google Translate, if the previous group had the same acronym or not. So it may have been that he was part of the police group that later morphed into Oman, but not technically part of Oman. I do love that you heard a lot about him growing up. Stories, you know, in English about this guy make him seem like just like this mythical character that's not even real. So here in you say this, you know, adds to his tough guy legend to me. Hopefully we can find more source information for all

of our future Russian sucks. Yeah, that was the toughest one that we have done out of all the episodes to find any real info on out there on the web in English at least. And again, the source I used primarily was not in English. It was a book originally written in Russia translated into French and then shittily translated into English and possibly just fucking nonsense. But fun nonsense. Okay, so curious what you thought of today's episode as well, because there were definitely where we're, I guess, you know, are conflicting sources regarding Ivan the Terrible.

Okay, next up, Super Sucker Clifton Wright. Let's just know that some bad magic content has been the perfect pick me up for him recently. Clifton Wright's, Dan and Lindsey, the King and Queen, I wanted to write in and let you guys know that between Time Suck and Scared to Death, y'all have kept me going. For medical reasons, I had to quit flying after 20 years and lost my sponsors to be in red bull air races. I'm now driving a truck and getting my masters. Sitting and living in this truck for a month at a time is horrible. I get downer by the day, but listing to an intelligence or castically funny podcast makes the miles and ass clowns on the road go by easy. I just went through court of lane two days ago and love it. I've

only ever flown over it before. Way different from my hometown and BFE Tennessee. Please keep it up. So much dedication, it's an inspiration, hail them, Rod. Well, thank you, Clifton, man. Good job getting a master's on your way to getting one. Damn man, that's a big deal. I'm jealous. I wish I would have studied a little longer myself in college.

I should have taken some Latin Jesus Christ. I wanted to say Latin classes to it would have helped me with my pronunciation abilities and I didn't even say Latin right. But oh well, life has been working out. Glad we could keep you company on the road. Hope it keeps you alert too, man. Gotta be careful.

All you long hauled drive and suckers. A job takes a lot of concentrational endurance. Pretty sure concentrational is not a word, but it should be. Glad we keep you entertained. Hope we keep doing that. Messages like you, the one you sent in, you know, messages from you, motivate us. So, hail, Nimrod.

Heavy and inspiring message now coming in from KitKast, MadeSack, James M. James, I abbreviated your last name, do the sensitivity of your message. James writes, hi, Dan, my name is James. I'm writing to you about the Joseph Duncan podcast. I am the son of a very strong survivor of a horrific domestic sexual abuse. My mother was raped for 10 years straight by her own father. It has taken her over 30 years of therapy to be able to somewhat not have PTSD episodes and also to help her cope with multiple personality disorder. She somehow is able to eventually be able to forgive him. So I have for rambling just wanted to thank you for giving your most honest opinion on how sick assholes like my mother's father should be riding in jail. But not the only thing he has to worry about is registering as a level three sex offender.

Anyway, I just wanted to say how much you have helped me understand that no matter how much pain someone can endure, it's not the end of the world. It can be the beginning of a beautiful new world with so much to look forward to. Thank you, keep on sucking. PS apologies for my long email, James. Well, not long at all, James, and thank you for sending your email in. And please give your strong, awesome mama a hug from us.

Man, she's an inspiration. Good for her for sticking with therapy and raising a good son after all she went through. Sorry, your grandpa is a fucking asshole. A fucking dirt bag. glad you feel the same. You can pick your friends, but you're stuck with your blood. And most of us, we got a couple shitty branches

in the tree that we have to do our best to rise above. So, hail Nimrod James. Super sucker, Spencer Porter got scared recently. Why does that crack me out when you guys get scared by something I do? I'm a sick person. Here's what Spencer wrote. He wrote to you and Lindsay almost made me fall off a boat. You jumpy mother fuckers I listen to scared of death every week and I fucking love it But a box fell off your shelf and you both shrieked like banshee's in my earholes

I was washing a boat at work and because it was super slippery and I had to grab a rail to save myself from flipping backwards off the side of the boat. The podcast lives up to the hype. Once my heart's up for racing, I'll hit play again, love you, Bows, keep up the spooopy and hail fucking Nimrod, your fan Spencer. Well, thank you, Spencer. Yes, yes, the damn box falling down in the scared of death studio was terrible last week. I may die during one of the scared of death future recordings. I watched a couple horror movies alone this last week

because Lindsey can't do it anymore. And all the scary stories I've told and heard the past six plus months are starting to fuck my head up. I kept waiting for some horrible shit just to walk down the basement stairs behind me when I was watching these movies to sneak up on me. Thank God, Penny and Ginger watch these movies with me. Then sometimes they scare me because every time a dog or a horse shows up on the screen,

Penny goes berserk and scares the shit on me. Hill, Luciferina, glad you're enjoying one of our other shows. Now for some comedy, not a common Slavic time this time, but a good wacky little story. Love these. Kick ass sucker Fritz Russell updates a previous update of his, writing, Greetings Suckmaster. At the end of the Bobby Yaga suck, you played my message about my first experience with the real-world Wacadoodle, my own coworker. You also request that I keep you updated with more of his ramblings. Well, luckily for you, and slightly concerning for me, he and I are both considered essential

workers so I've been able to spend more time with him, racking up his theories and stories. The first one I remember is his birth certificate conspiracy. According to him, you are assigned a dollar value and you're born because you are government property. This dollar value is stored in the US Department of Treasury. According to my coworker, you can ask the Treasury to give you the value they assigned you at birth and they will. No questions asked. They just give you free money. He supported this conspiracy by saying that every birth certificate is marked by the treasury and he has already received his money. I took one look at my own birth certificate when I got home to see that his statement about a marking was not true. Makes me wonder what kind of money he actually received. The second

story is about a weapon the US military apparently has in its possession. It's a missile that has capabilities unlike any other missile. It can cloak itself in mid-flight. It is completely and utterly silent and capable of traveling faster than the speed of light. It's every military leader's wet dream. But it's this missile is so great. How come the US has never used it? You may be asking. Well, here's the kicker. It was used constantly in the Vietnam War, but it has not seen use since. Now, I'm not in the military, so I can't say if we really do have a missile of this magnitude or not. Apparently, this wouldn't matter because my coworker told me that not even our military generals know this weapon exists, only select few do, including him for some reason, I guess. Finally, a waterproof theory of

his, he once showed me a map that looked like a six-year-old had drawn it. It was a map of Florida, but with the water level risen by quite a bit. It was pretty much just a sliver of land. He told me it was projected that the water level around Florida would be what his map shone in by 2050. He then showed me a chart that also showed me that the life expectancy in 2050 would be only 60 years old. Then he told me that in 2050,

there would also be the appearance of a super moon. Excuse me, a super moon. He asked me, do you see what all this means? I replied, no, I did not. And then he just didn't say anything. He didn't explain to me what it all meant. So I don't know, I guess watch out for pesky super moons, I guess.

And I hope you enjoyed this lengthy read. I hope you have a blessed day. I did enjoy it, Fritz. This guy is a gem slap a salmon punch a bear. You fans of my standup you'll you'll get that one. You get that reference. This guy man pathological liar. What a wonderful not real at all world. He gets to live in just gets to build his own reality. I hope you get even crazier stories. I hope he shows you more maps. Hope we never use one of those missiles on you. They sound intensive shit. And now let's end on a sweet shout out

to one of last week's updates from Sweet Meat Sack, Rebecca Quick. Great name, Rebecca. Rebecca writes, dear Grandmaster of all of the suck and mush mouth evil Dan. Right from the start, I'm gonna apologize for the length of my message, no need. I wanted to let, I wanted to be able to thank one of the other time suckers, Danny Perio.

I have been a janitor in my job for a little over four to quarter years. And for the last month and a half, I've been isolated to the office area of my work because of the paranoia of one of the managers leaving me completely isolated from other co-workers, kicking my depression into high gear. On top of that, my husband has been out of work for the last two months because of his work being shut down for the COVID-19 pandemic. And we are an entirely sure when he'll be able to get back,

which also kicks another one of my fears into high gear because I don't know if I can provide for my family long term. Having Danny give a shout out to the custodial, janitorial staff was really something I needed to hear right now. I wanted a chance to thank him for it. Again, sorry for the length of my message, sincerely, hopefully soon spaces are Rebecca

quick. And again, no apologies, necessary Rebecca and fuck COVID-19. Uh, that virus is a nasty little cut. And I wish I even the terrible could have one of his children of darkness, torture to death. Thank you for what you do, Rebecca, man. So important. So sorry. The pandemic has hit you, especially hard.

Hope your husband gets hired soon. You know, to be able to go back to work and hope you get the social, socialization you need soon as well. Hope you're popping into the Facebook group sometimes for some extra hellows and laughs during this crazy period. And thank you for sending that message and thank all of you for sending the messages that don't always get read. Stay safe and hail Nimrod. Have a great week everybody! New scared to death on Tuesday night, new secret suck this Thursday. Please keep your eyes peeled for the children of darkness. There should be a 40-d it all costs and keep on sucking