Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 198 - Egyptian Gods

Starting point is 00:00:00 The gods of ancient Egypt, who were early Egyptian people worshipping? What a huge Patreon spaces are chosen topic were diving in today together, meat sacks. Taking a tour of ancient Egypt's spirituality to learn about gods like Osiris, God of the Dead, of the resurrection into an eternal life in the judge of the deceased, Ra, God of the Sun, order, kings in the sky, Horus, God of the Pharaohs, the protector of the rulers of Egypt. The Egyptians believed that the Pharaoh was the living Horus, actually. Also looking into the gods, Newt Scouts, O'Claundike, Hoingibongi, Pudi, and Handy Randy.

Starting point is 00:00:37 Okay, that first one is real, not sure about the rest. There are more gods in the Egyptian pantheon than there are pages in most other ancient religions holy books There are between 1500 and 2000 Individual gods holy holiness The Egyptians built some of the most impressive structures that have ever existed including what was at one time the tallest building on earth the Pyramid of Giza the great pyramid of Giza as part of their worship of these ancient gods

Starting point is 00:01:03 We won't even come close to talking about all the gods today, but we will break down who the most popular gods were, and we'll dig into some of the more obscure and super weird ones, and there are some super weird ones. Get ready to meet a strange and terrifying bloodthirsty baboon. We'll also dig into an ancient story or two that lets us take a peek into ancient Egyptians lives, and of course, there will be even more to this episode. Excited to explore the enigmatic empire that spanned almost 30 centuries and learn about the gods that unified its various eras on another strange and the're listening to Time Suck. You listening to Time Suck.

Starting point is 00:01:46 Happy Monday, Time Suckers. I'm Dan Cummins, the Suck Master, Sass Perilla Whisperer, the Cypher of Nimrod, guy about to rock a sweet mustache for the summer. And you are listening to Time Suck. Hail Nimrod. Hail Lucifino. Protect us, Bojangles and sue this triple M, which one of those time set gods has been worshipped by the ancient Egyptians. You'll find out soon.

Starting point is 00:02:17 We're recording in the suck dungeon again in CD8. Another beautiful summer's day here. Damn, man. Cordalaine looks good in the summer with the Reverend Dr. Joe Paisley, the script keeper, Zach Flannery, Logan and Kate Keith and Queen of Bad Magic, Lindsey Cummins all floating around somewhere near. Sorry to hear about recent COVID case spikes. Everyone, uh, I'm still hoping for a viral fizzle.

Starting point is 00:02:38 Come on, raw burn this shit off the earth already. I have fuck viruses. Uh, moving some announcements to the back of the show, going forward, but I do want to give one final reminder that we donated $1,500 to ALZ.org this month to help end Alzheimer's and dementia, linking the episode description. Also, space, those are the update your app.

Starting point is 00:02:57 Update the time suck app. Get ready for some trivia. The new trivia game starts next week. Listen to Secret Suck to learn how to play monthly prizes, await those of you who know the most about the suck. Looking forward to playing that new weekly game with you. The app update should be out now to get ready to play the trivia. And the first trivia round will start Monday, July 6th.

Starting point is 00:03:18 3 p.m. Pacific, new round start the first Monday of every month. Now let's get to God and hail them rock. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Like many ancient societies, the Egyptians were polytheistic. Now what does that mean? It means they both war and worship polyester. Oh, greatest God, polyester! Give us thou cheap, shiny suits and affordable women's work pants.

Starting point is 00:03:46 O magnificent polyester, provide us with an economical and durable, if not environment, friendly sofa for us to comfortably set upon and sing you praises. That's not what it means. I know you know that. Polytheistic means that the Egyptians worshiped more than one God, Egyptians worshiped way more than one God. They worshiped ton of gods. Gods whose roles varied from city to city era to era. Sometimes

Starting point is 00:04:08 slightly, sometimes substantially. God's whose name sometimes changed. God's who sometimes merge with other gods. They had different gods assigned to different forces of nature, different gods assigned to different animals to celestial bodies, to life, death, various abilities, different jobs, much more. Never never God shortage in ancient Egypt. The gods of ancient Egypt were part of a national story that unified the people of Egypt. The Pharaohs were said to have directly descended

Starting point is 00:04:32 from the gods and also be gods or goddesses themselves, placing the leaders of Egypt at the very center of ancient Egyptian religion, nice. I wonder how many world leaders would love to get away with that shit today. I could think of a few who would love to literally be worshipped. Many of the gods played important roles in the afterlife. Strong belief in the afterlife was a major part of the Egyptian religion.

Starting point is 00:04:55 The Egyptians believed wholeheartedly that death in this world was not the end, but merely the beginning of one's eternal journey. They believed that they would live on eternally in a heavily detailed afterlife. If they led a virtuous life here on earth, for the virtuous death was merely a transition to another realm where if justified by the gods, one would live forever and paradise known as the field of reads. The field of reads sometimes called the field of offerings

Starting point is 00:05:19 was a mere image of one's life on earth. Once an Egyptian arrived at the field of reads, their soul would find everything thought to have been lost at death. Your home would be there just as you left it, as well as all the loved ones who had passed on before you. Even your favorite dog or cat, other pets would be there. The tree you enjoyed sitting under, the stream used to walk by.

Starting point is 00:05:38 It's there. You know, you get to live eternally in the presence of the gods. Good incentive to try and get your shit together in this world. How badly would that suck if you didn't do that well for yourself in this world, but you were deemed worthy of an afterlife, right? Like, what if your house was dump,

Starting point is 00:05:54 and you hated your dog, couldn't stand your spouse, lived in the worst part of town, way out in the sandy desert. The best chair you had had splinters in it. Your favorite tree didn't even have leaves. You suffer from a variety of chronic and strange health problems, like being afflicted by some weird kind of fungus. Always left you smelling like garlic and farts.

Starting point is 00:06:10 Then you die, then you're lucky enough to be being worthy to make it to the field of raids. Then you get there and you're stuck living the same shitty life you were living before. You're like, oh, fuck, great! I'm my stupid dog, the barks, it's the own shadow. Choose up at the sandals all the time. Choose up sandals until he throws up every day.

Starting point is 00:06:23 He's here, awesome. Can't wait to sink some slivers in my eternal ass. Sit in that piece of shit, chair, my mother-in-law, who hates me, gave me one of that dead palms or a behind my one room shithole, shed of a house. Thank you, gods. I am so happy to be here in heaven. The very core, the Egyptian religion, was preparing for this afterlife and transferring your soul to the underworld. The importance placed on life after death probably best illustrated by the epic grandeur of the pyramids themselves. The pyramids being monuments to the pharaohs, giant tombs, whose very form represented the physical body emerging from the earth and ascending up towards

Starting point is 00:06:59 the light of the sun. The Egyptians worshiped a lot of different gods, but the most important always seemed to represent the sun. Pharaohs, man, now they had some sweet pads waiting for them in the field of reads. Lots of comfy chairs, probably tons of cool ass dogs in there, you know, heaven house pyramids. To reach the field of reads, one had to pass through trial by Osiris Lord of the underworld, judge of the dead in the hall of truth, also known as the hall of two truths. And this trial involved the wane of the dead, and the hall of truth, also known as the hall of two truths, and this trial involved the wane of one's heart against the feather of truth.

Starting point is 00:07:29 A person's soul was thought to be immortal, an eternal being whose stay on earth was only one part of a much larger and grander journey. The soul was said to consist of nine separate parts. Caut, the Caut was the physical body. Pretty straightforward, okay. The Caut was one's double form, one's spiritual body, a spiritual copy of your physical form.

Starting point is 00:07:49 The caw comparable to the Christian soul. Earthly death occurs when the caw leaves the caught. Okay, still follow. The ba was the roaming physical essence of the soul, symbolized by human headed bird, which could speed between earth and heaven. It's fucking a little weird. I think I got it.

Starting point is 00:08:06 Okay, your bird's soul. Okay, fine. The Shoeit was the shadow self. Some Egyptians had a shadow box among their funerary items so that the Shoeit had a place to inhabit. In the Egyptian book of the dead, the soul is described as leaving the tomb of the deceased during the day in the form of a shadow. Sweet, shadow people.

Starting point is 00:08:22 So that's what they are. Fragments of Egyptian souls, okay. The AUK was the immortal transformed self. The AUK was a magical combination of the elements Baw and Kha, which represented the Enlightened and mortal being after death. The magical unification of Baw and Kha would only be possible if the correct funerary rights were performed after death. You gotta get your spells fucking tip-top. I get the mummy rap just right.

Starting point is 00:08:47 The octodnaught stay with the cot as many other elements of the soul did. It lived amongst the stars with the gods that would did return to the body on occasion if necessary. It was a representation of the intellect, will and intentions of a person. The oct was also the aspect of the soul which could reconnect through loved ones

Starting point is 00:09:02 by appearing to them in their dreams. All right, dream self. Well, weird, not as crazy as shadow self. Maybe I think I kind of still follow all this. The sahu and the satcham are two additional aspects of the awk. As soon as the soul has been deemed worthy of entering the afterlife, the sahu would separate from all other forms of the soul. Much like modern ideas about ghosts, the sahu was said to haunt those, who had wronged a person in life,

Starting point is 00:09:26 and protect those who the soul had loved, just as the awk could appear in a person's dreams, I saw who could appear to a person. Okay, great, Egyptian souls, all fucking broken up, responsible for shadow people, nightmares, ghosts, and more. Sweet.

Starting point is 00:09:41 Not much is known about the second, but it was considered a kind of life energy of the soul, maybe like a chi, I don't know, maybe like a third eye or something. The ab was the heart, the source of good and evil. Ancient Egyptians saw the heart as the home of human emotion. It was also considered the center of thought, will and intention. This meant the ab was a very important part of the soul. Ren was one secret name, another part of the soul. Ancient Egyptians were given a name at birth, which was kept secret to everyone but the gods. This name was considered an extremely important

Starting point is 00:10:09 and powerful part of the soul with the ability to destroy a person and their soul permanently have discovered throughout life. An individual was known only by a nickname so that no one would be able to learn their true name, their true ren, and gain the power as it contained, or the chance and knowledge needed to destroy it. As long as the ren still existed, the soul had the power to keep on surviving, as long as imbalming was correctly completed, don't mess it up priest. And the mummification was successful. The ren meant a person and their soul would exist for eternity.

Starting point is 00:10:39 Hmm, wonder what my ren is, what my secret name is. I hope it's not Dick Cobbbler or skidmark or something We have a fucking bummer. You know skidmark skidmark. God damn really my secret name. Okay The Egyptian religion is very complex when you dig into all the details complicated souls complicated gods a lot of different gods You know to help people lives the best lives they could on earth God's to help prevent crops from failing God's to help Babies from dying God's to help you know protect people from disease protect people from foreign armies lots of lots of gods Complicated, you know souls, but it is core pretty simple like many modern people ancient Egyptians wanted to live on and some ideal form after their mortal death All right, that's that's mostly what it's about. It's just about being protected during life and then living on after life.

Starting point is 00:11:27 All the mummies, all the tombs, all the pyramids all created to serve this hope of attaining eternal life. Now back to the soul for just a bit. All nine of these soul aspects were part of one's earthly existence and a death, the ock, with the saw who and the setch who appeared before a Cyrus and the hall of truth. And the presence of the 42 judges to have one's heart, one's ob weight on a golden scale against the white feather of truth. And the presence of the 42 judges to have one's heart, one's ob way, on a golden scale against the white feather of truth. The ancient Egyptians recognized that when the soul first awoke in the afterlife, it would be disoriented. I now remember its life on earth, it's death,

Starting point is 00:11:53 or what to do next in order to help the soul continue on his journey. Artist inscribes would create paintings and texts related to one's life on the walls of one's tomb, now known as pyramid texts, which then developed into coffin text and into the famous Egyptian book of the dead. So I'm just you know me that they love those hieroglyphics in these tombs or put so like when you woke up after you were dead, you wouldn't be like, well, now where do I go? I don't know. Well, how the hell am I?

Starting point is 00:12:17 I think I'm, I think I'm skin mark, but I'm not totally sure. Can I remember? Oh, okay. All right, pictures. Oh, okay. Almost like arrows like walk this way to go to your next, you know, appointment. Have your heart weighed in the Egyptian book of the dead is recorded that after death, the soul would be met by the God Anubis or a new bus. There we go.

Starting point is 00:12:37 Anubis who would lead it from its final resting place to the hall of truth. Images to pick to queue of souls standing in the hall. One way to join in this line, you know, and then you'd stand in the line, wait a judgment. That's kind of weird too. You finally die. You're like, okay, man, I'm back alive. Okay, I'm now following this little part of the pyramid and I walk over here and then you're like, oh, fucking son of a bitch. There's like 40,000 people in this line. So take me a couple hundred years just to have my heart wait. Images depict, yeah, there's queue of souls see what you wait there wall weighting one would be attended to by goddesses such as

Starting point is 00:13:09 kebhett daughter of anubis Personification of cool refreshing water. So you know you get like a drink of water white weight in line of your heart weighed Cuba would be joined by others such as Nethesis circuit and comforting the souls providing for them when it came one's turn anububis would leave the soul to stand before a Cyrus and describe with the God's thought in front of the golden scales. The goddess, Ma'at, personification of the cultural value of Ma'at, harmony and balance would also be present. And these would be surrounded by 42 judges. They can soul with the gods on one's eternal fate. Right. You have a whole panel of people being like, wow, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, These confessions sometimes began with the prayer. I have not learned the things which are not, meaning is the soul strove in life to devote

Starting point is 00:14:06 itself to matters of lasting importance rather than trivial matters of everyday life. There was no single set of negative confessions, just as there was no set list of sins which would apply to everyone. This is kind of unique to the Egyptian religion. Like a military commander would have a different list of sins that would apply to them than like a judge would or a baker would. I like that. You know, that will shout not kill works a lot better for a baker than it does for a soldier, not fair to judge both the same way. Very different duties. The negative declarations always beginning with I have not or I did not, following the opening

Starting point is 00:14:37 prayer went to a sure ocirus of the soul's purity and ended in fact with the statement I am pure repeated a number of times. I am pure. I'm pure. I'm pure. I'm pure. Each sin listed was not to have disrupted one's harmony and balance while one lived and separated the person from their purpose on earth as ordained by the gods. In claiming purity of the soul, one was asserting

Starting point is 00:14:57 that one's heart was not weighed down with sin. It was not the soul's claim to purity, which would win over Osiris however, but instead the weight of the soul's heart. So you did all this stuff, you made your claim, it's 42 people judged you, whatever, 42 gods, but then still you gotta still gotta weigh your heart. So I honestly, I don't know why you had to go

Starting point is 00:15:16 through all this before, weighing it out. Cause you could make your claims everybody and be like, no, he's fucking looks good to me. And then your heart gets put on the scale and heart to heavy, wow, fucking done. So it seems like they should just skip to the heartway, but whatever. The heart of the soul handed over to a Cyrus,

Starting point is 00:15:29 who places it on a golden scale, balances it against this white feather of myot, feather of truth. It's a soul's heart, it's lighter than the feather, then the gods confer with the 42 judges. Oh, okay, and if they agree that the soul is justified, they gotta confer against again. And the person could pass on towards the bliss of the field of reeds

Starting point is 00:15:48 All right, so it is a mix. So you know you got to have your heart weighed and you got to get the the jury's approval the jury of the gods According to some ancient texts part of this is confusing Because and we'll go into this more as we go through this episode But these these legends were written in a variety of different ways, in a variety of different tombs. So then you kind of like cobble them together and like, well, this is kind of how it was. But it was never, you know, like it was just such a long

Starting point is 00:16:13 empire, lasted for so many years and it was fragmented at different points. And it was a long time ago, you know, and the stories, I think a little bit mess around with. According to some ancient texts, it's all within embark on a dangerous journey, right? So if you make it, all this, your heart's the right weight. Then you make it through this, to the afterlife,

Starting point is 00:16:31 but it's still dangerous. You gotta go through some weird shit to reach paradise. You need a copy of the Egyptian book of the dead to guide you, gotta have the right spells to recite if you run into trouble. So that's kind of a bummer. You know, you can make it throughout all this, your heart's the right weight. And then you're like, all right, go to your heaven. But careful,

Starting point is 00:16:47 there's some fucking alleys. There's some creatures in some of the alleys along the way. And you got to have the right spells. They're like, they'll fucking heal you. Like, what? I just passed so many tests. I know. I know. We don't make the rules. We kind of do. Actually, it's confusing. But anyway, good luck. Good luck making it to heaven through this. There's a, there's a monster section. Um, uh, so according, according to some stories though, after justification, it was just a short journey from the Hall of Truth to Paradise. So in some of the stories, you gotta make a pass of monsters,

Starting point is 00:17:13 some of the stories you get to go kind of right to the field of reads. So leaves the Hall of Judgment. It's road across, lily lake. It's, and it's road in some stories. There's a sailboat. Now there's, we're gonna get too much later in the episode. It's the weirdest fucking sailboat you've ever heard about. Uh, ridiculous.

Starting point is 00:17:30 But then you make it to the field of raids and then you receive everything, you know, taken by death. For the soul with the heart lighter than the feather, those who had died earlier are waiting along with one's home, one's favorite objects and books, even one's long lost pets. Hopefully again, you have something better than a splinter chair and a shitty sandal, eaten dog, waiting to greet you. Should the heart prove heavier than the feather?

Starting point is 00:17:48 Let's talk about that. Uh, that's not good. It gets thrown to the floor. Right, if your heart's too heavy, if it tips the scales, it's fucking grabbing their thug, gross heart. And they throw it on the floor. And on the floor is where it gets grabbed by a mentee, also known as Amit. Usually known as Amit, God with the face of a crocodile,

Starting point is 00:18:05 front of a leopard, back of a rhinoceros, known as the Gobler. And he's known as the Gobler, because he fuck, he gobbles your heart up. So if it's too heavy, you get eaten by a monster. And then you just, you know, you don't exist anymore. We're gonna talk about that a little bit more in a second too, what happens when you get your heart eaten?

Starting point is 00:18:22 Before digging further into Egyptian spirituality, let's get a better feel for old time Egypt in general. The ancient land of Egypt, the pre-eminent civilization of the Mediterranean until 332 BCE, even though it's over 90% desert, which is very impressive. They were really, really good at maximizing the less than 10% of their land that isn't essentially a big unforgiving pile of hot sand, heatstrokes, and sweaty butts. More than 68% of Egypt is flat, sand and gravel covered, kind of barren wasteland. More than 22% of the additional land is just slightly less shitty than what I just described, but that almost 10% nothing but stay golden. Stay gold, pointy boy. The sliver of gold land around the shores of the Nile would become home to a giant and

Starting point is 00:19:06 powerful empire that encompassed more than 3000 years of history and culture from its unification around 3100 BCE to the death of Cleopatra, the seventh and 30 BCE. There's a roughly additional and additional 3000 years of Egyptian history that existed before the unification. An empire as famous as it is mysterious and an empire of several millennia worth of invasions, architectural marvel, scientific, and medical discovery so much more. Discovery's made over the course of nine major periods

Starting point is 00:19:31 shaped the people in the land in ways we're still trying to comprehend. Let's talk a bit more about that stay gold, sliver of land, the agriculture, really, and geographically good part of Egypt was historically very, very good. Thanks to the world's longest, maybe second longest river running through it,

Starting point is 00:19:48 a sweet, sweet Nile. Sure the Nile has crocodiles known to get up to 1,200 pounds who'd love to eat you and your entire family. But the Nile also helped grow a lot of life-griving crops. Like many other prosperous ancient cultures, ancient Egypt was built around a major life sustaining river. The now provided the water to irrigate crops like emmer, wheat grain, chickpeas, lentils, lettuce, onions, garlic,

Starting point is 00:20:11 sesame, corn, barley, flax, and more, even helped grow important papyrus, or diconsumus pronounced when times like began, no surprise there. Also in an old school Egyptian paper, they used to record their legends and communication written forms so they didn't have to chisel all their higher glyphs can just stone,

Starting point is 00:20:28 although now also a highway for important transportation and trade, the wheel was invented until some time around 3,500 BC. So imagine how important early river travel was in the many, many centuries prior to this date back before the Egyptian kingdom was unified, but when a lot of people lived along the Nile, it's so important back then to be based near River, especially a giant, relatively slow moving and mighty River like the Nile.

Starting point is 00:20:52 Without the Nile, the ancient mass of Egyptian cities would have never developed when they did and how they did. With big farms came the ability for early Egyptian peoples to transition from primitive, nomadic hunter-gatherer societies to stationary living, When people's to transition from primitive, nomadic hunter gatherer societies to stationary living, various groups settled along the banks of the mighty river into early cities, began to trade with one another, exchange both goods and ideas. A new concept, civilization was born here as it had been born just to tick earlier in Mesopotamia, the cradle of life just under 15 kilometers, 1500 kilometers, just over 900 miles to the northeast. All right, so now religions developing in both places, the fertile

Starting point is 00:21:26 crescent of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers of Mesopotamia, modern Iraq, the Indus River, ancient India, the Yang Sea and yellow rivers of China, all early civilization enablers, just like the Nile. The Nile was the biggest of these rivers and is flows north for about 6,650 kilometers, over 4,000 miles from the African Great Lakes, part of the now beginning in Lake Victoria, and modern day Tanzania, another part of the now beginning near Lake Tana in present-day Ethiopia. For these big lakes, Lake Victoria, the second largest freshwater lake in the world by surface area, just under 27,000 square miles,

Starting point is 00:22:01 the now flows to the massive Sahara desert before emptying into the Mediterranean Sea. Now moves through 11 countries, drains 3.3 million square kilometers, 1.3 million miles, about 10% of the African continents total landmass out into the sea. The Nile is generally credited as being the world's longest river by sources like the United Nations against the Spooker World Records, although some scientists who went on an Amazon expedition in 2007 say, the Amazon might be the longest, 65 miles longer than the Nile. Amazon, the world's largest river by volume,

Starting point is 00:22:32 holds about 20% of the earth's fresh water. Nile though, it's big deal. Big, big river, one of the biggest in the world. It actually is 95th by drainage volume. It's not even close to the Amazon, but part of that is because it's such a good river. It's used heavily for irrigation purposes. There's more than one Nile, the lower Nile historically flooded every summer in this mystified early Egyptians.

Starting point is 00:22:56 It's almost never rained where they lived. They had no idea their mighty river was being fed by much rainier places, far to the south they didn't know about. The now had three, has three main tributaries, the white now, the blue now, and at the at the at the at the right, the white now is the longest originating lake Victoria. And that originates or lake Victoria is 2100 miles south of where the river dumps into the Mediterranean 3400 kilometer south ancient Egyptians revered the now is the source of life. It was a river a pretty a Coolie shrouded mystery for centuries expeditions repeatedly failed to find a source with Egyptians Greeks and Romans

Starting point is 00:23:33 Continuously foiled by a large swampy region called the Sud and what's now South Sudan? The inability to discover this river's origin let it to be portrayed as a god with a hidden face in classical Greek and Roman art As it winds into Egypt the Nile transforms the swath of Saharid desert, the largest hot desert on earth into incredibly fertile farmland. This is what makes the Nile so crazy to me. It's what adds this mystique, this river with the Egyptians. The Amazon, beyond impressive, so is the Congo, the Mississippi, the Yangtze River, but those rivers don't flow through mile after mile after mile of the largest, hottest,

Starting point is 00:24:05 sandiest desert on earth. The contrast of sand and soil is so dramatic, it's visible from space. A long green oasis can be seen hugging the river amid bleakly tan landscape around it. Very magical looking. Giant river of life passing through this giant desert of death. Thanks to its seasonal influx of water from Ethiopia, the lower Nile historically soaks the

Starting point is 00:24:27 desert soil of Egypt in the summer, as it did before, there was a lot of dams on it, and its floodplain, not just with water, but with all the sediment, it collected along the way. Cetamin composed of mainly black silt, eroded by the blue Nile and the atbara from basalt in Ethiopia, or basalt. Those silty flood waters would surge into Egypt and then dry up and leave behind a miraculous black mud from which many crops would grow.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Pretty magical, if you lived thousands of years ago, and you consistently dry climate, you understand how seasonal flooding and erosion and tributaries work. And once a year, this awesome river just gets fucking much bigger and then just leaves behind a whole bunch of awesome soil for you to grow your crops with. I probably worship it too.

Starting point is 00:25:07 A permanent human settlements first began to appear in the Niles banks. Maybe around 6000 BCE, 7,8,000 years ago by 35, 50 BCE, these settlements had become the world's first recognizable nation state. A complex and distinct culture quickly developed and for nearly 3,000 years Egypt would remain the preeminent nation in the Mediterranean world, filled by water and the fertile land it continued to receive from a constantly giving Nile. As ancient Egypt grew along the lower Nile, the river played a key role in many of its most important myths featuring its gods. The Milky Way was actually seen by early Egyptians as a celestial mirror of the Nile. The Sun God, raw, believed to drive his ship

Starting point is 00:25:46 across this Nile-like constellation. And that's probably more than enough about this river. We have plenty of info about the river now. Let's talk about some gods. Ancient Egyptian culture based around its worship of its gods, since at least 4,000 BCE roughly, as evidenced by burial practices and tomb paintings, and it remained at the heart of Egyptian culture until a little after 30 BCE when Cleopatra

Starting point is 00:26:08 7th died last ruler of the Pala Meg dynasty of Egypt Following Cleopatra's death the worship of Egyptian gods began to steadily decline the gods of Egypt were first slowly replaced by Roman gods And then the rise of Christianity steadily replaced polytheism in general when Christian Roman emperors eventually completely outlawed the worship of Egyptian gods and all other gods not part of the Christian triad in the sixth century CE that basically just went away completely. When it was practiced, what was the Egyptian religion about? How was it structured?

Starting point is 00:26:40 The ancient Egyptians believed that their gods had prevailed over the forces of chaos during the creation of the world to form their kingdom, and now they relied upon humanity's help to maintain it. Similar to the Romans in Greek, similar to American Indian and Norse pathology, similar to the mythology, I'm sure of so many other ancient peoples whose religions I'm unfamiliar with. The people of ancient Egypt believed that the gods very much were alive and in contact with the world of living men and women. If Egypt was to remain strong, if you were to have a life worth living, you must please

Starting point is 00:27:08 the God. You must pay them tributes, build them temples, worship their golden likenesses, honor them with rituals and with riches. If you were a Pharaoh, you gave them some of your riches. For it was because of the God's favor that you had those riches. You gave them some of your land for new temples. Land you wouldn't have if you fell out of favor with the God's. If you were a farmer, you gave them some of your land for new temples. Land you wouldn't have if you fell out of favor with the gods. If you were a farmer, you gave them some of your crop,

Starting point is 00:27:28 so you could have a good crop the next harvest. If you fished, you gave them some of your catch and so on and so forth. Man, I bet the temple of Hamehit, goddess of fishing, I bet it smelled like shit. One of the things they decided to give her fished theme gifts, like gold jewelry designed in the shape of fish instead of actual fish after a while. I had maybe I've for a couple of really good fishing days when the weather hit around 110 degrees and the fish temple, they're like, you know, maybe we should really think they even raw fish out

Starting point is 00:27:56 in the temple for the goddess. I don't know. Two of our precesses just passed out from the smell. Ancient Egypt had lots of precesses, lots of priests catering to all their many, many gods. Different from most religions of today, the clergy of ancient Egypt did not preach. They did not interpret scripture, conduct weekly services. Their sole responsibility was to care for the god of their particular temple. They weren't out doing missionary work. Similar to say the Roman gods in this way, the Roman gods would have a temple for the god of Saturn and one for Venus, same for the Egyptians. Both men and women could and would be in the Egyptian clergy. They performed the same functions, received the same pay.

Starting point is 00:28:33 Women were often precesses of female deities, while men served male gods, but that wasn't always the case. Ancient Egypt does seem less patriarchal than many other ancient societies. High priests were chosen by the king who was considered the highest priest of Egypt at the mediator between the people and their gods. The Pharaoh received his power from Horus, one of the most powerful Egyptian gods

Starting point is 00:28:54 will learn more about Horus in a bit. They were considered like I mentioned earlier, like the living embodiment of Horus. The position of Pharaoh had political as well as religious authority. Winded Egyptian priests first began taking care of their temples, at least 5,000 years ago. The priesthood was already established by the time of the early

Starting point is 00:29:11 Dynastic period. When that kicked off in Egypt around 29, 20 BCE, it continued to develop in the old kingdom as the great mortuary complexes like Giza and Sikara were being constructed in the 27th century BCE. So long ago. Throughout Egypt's history, the priesthood aka the servants of the gods would serve a vital role

Starting point is 00:29:29 in maintaining religious belief and tradition while at the same time consistently challenging the authority of the king by amassing wealth and power. Which at times would rival that of the crown. There was a hierarchy in the priesthood from the high priest, the first servant of God at the top, to the mob, they were called priests at the bottom. The wab priest carried out the essential but fairly mundane tasks of taking care of the temple complex.

Starting point is 00:29:50 Now, performing whatever function they were called upon for, helping to prepare for festivals, keeping it clean, whatever. The high priest would take care of their God and maybe the following way, at least at one time, duties would change over the course of many centuries of Egyptian life. And the morning the high priest would break the seal and light a torch to walk with God. It'd say prayers, light incense, wash the statue. Some statues made out of solid gold. They'd put fresh clothing and jewels on the statue. Place various offerings, which usually included food and drink near the statue.

Starting point is 00:30:20 Now you've got to feed that God, son. You don't want some weak, skinny, hungry God. Living on tomb dust. You don't want your sad ass worshiping that God. Good luck hitting that mopey whiny douche of a God to give you some good crops or help you win some wars. Now, you want to jack this fuck God, living on camel stake and dolphin burgers. That kind of God, all dolphin burgers strong. That God does some damage. That God's all like, no, no, no, I'm enemyite it. No, no, I'm crap tasty. No, give me more dolphin burger. I don't think they I don't think the eight dolphin burgers I don't think anyone's ever had a dolphin burger. I know if

Starting point is 00:30:54 Again, again, ever call hearing about that probably delicious though. I mean you know that's they're so cute They gotta be kind of tasty, right? Let's get away from the sad topic of dolphin burgers High-priests also be responsible for ensuring that people, you know, saying hymns of praise to the gods of their temple or the god and the temple musicians would play their hearts out. And they would have, and these people would have kind of like priest titles too.

Starting point is 00:31:19 They would have singers and musicians specifically assigned to come perform for this statue in this temple in this tomb How weird is that right these like these statues we get concerts because people thought that made him happy Bunch of musicians. That's what what a weird audience to play for right just a statue up there Just fucking look and blank straight ahead and you're playing your heart out You know and got a play for the gods can't have some sad god all bummed out because he doesn't get to hear his favorite tunes Speaking of favorite tunes time for a real quick sponsor break.

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Starting point is 00:33:31 Come on, forget about the last couple of minutes. Don't even think it happened. I'm back. Back to Egyptian priests and priests, this rituals after that very legitimate and important sponsor had. At the end of the day, the high priest, back out of the shrine after all the music was played.

Starting point is 00:33:44 Sweepways, footprints as he left, sealed a sacred area again, and I get those footprints out of there. God's hate, dirty meat sack footprints, everyone knows that. Get your nasty toe dust out of the temple. Other gypsies believe the high priest played a vital role in providing for the needs of the gods and that their duties were neglected, problems would arise. And due to the importance of their role in society, the high priest were well compensated. High priest and priestesses often came from royalty. Pharaohs appointed them and they tended to appoint family members within particularly large temples. The power of the priest was considerable

Starting point is 00:34:14 since the temples ended up owning a lot of valuable land, gifted by Pharaohs trying to please the gods with their generosity. The temple treasures became very wealthy due to all the tributes paid by nobles and pharaohs. The priest also controlled the God's cult statues, which functioned as oracles. This is kind of weird. Whose pronouncements would only be interpreted by the priests, and they could pass judgment.

Starting point is 00:34:34 In legal cases, they can influence things like royal succession, they can do all kinds of stuff. It's pretty sweet. Be able to speak for the gods. Now you put your ear up, some old statue. And then you get to tell everybody for the gods. Now you put your ear up, some old statue. Like, what was that? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:34:47 And then you get to tell everybody what the god just told you supposedly. I'm sure that never got abused. I'm sure that role is never ever abused. Just like no religious figure's ever abused the role of speaking for god now. No, Amund is not want you to take that incredibly sexy woman for your wife, minor noble.

Starting point is 00:35:04 No, no, sir. Uh-uh. I was just talking to him. You just told me some stuff. He doesn't want you to touch or curvy hips or place your hands on our small waist or stare into our salt reyes or run your fingers through her silky hair or kiss her full lips or cup or subtle breasts.

Starting point is 00:35:17 Hey, I'll lose Saphina. I mean, praise, I'm on. Even though I already have a wife, lose Saphina, I mean, I'm on, wants me to have your lady as well for myself. So say, it's God, don't get mad at me. I know you're bummed. That's just the way the God cookie crumbles my friend. Nothing I can do. Don't kill the messenger. I am merely an empty vessel filled with his word when he deems his word spoken.

Starting point is 00:35:38 And right now his word is to give me, give me your wife's sweet ass, okay? Mom says me and your lady must make many children together. And what was that? What was that a month? What did you say? He says that you're supposed to raise the kids though. Uh-huh, that's what a monk says. Not me.

Starting point is 00:35:53 So there you go, I make them you raise them. These priests, depending on the temple they were in charge of and how in favor that God was in their lifetime with God's worship the most and seen as the most powerful would vary over time. These priests can become incredibly powerful or priestesses. Archaeologists have found more statues of certain priests than they have of certain pharaohs. At one time, the priesthood was a hereditary position where fathers groomed their sons

Starting point is 00:36:16 and successors in the same way a king would have prince. But then when those priests got a little too powerful, the hereditary succession practice was abolished and the ph Pharaohs then started to choose the priest so they could pick people who would be the most loyal to them. Hopefully not crave too much power. In between the high priest and priestesses and the low priests and the priestesses were a wide array of other clergy who performed all kinds of duties and services to the gods. There was kitchen staff, janitors, porters, scribes.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Basically anyone who works in the temple complex who had any association with the god was in some form a priest or priestess. You know, like the singers and musicians, like I said, they had to be some kind of priest and priestess. So now that we know a little bit about how the Gods are worshipped, let's learn a little bit about how the Egyptian Gods first showed up. You know, like most Gods, their stories began with some creation mythology. Egyptologists found the, these stories in a pyramid tomb going back to around 2750 BCE.

Starting point is 00:37:07 Egyptians believed that their gods created our world in our universe at a darkness and swirling chaos. We've been able to learn about quite a few cultures creation myths over the years for the from the super rapy beginnings of the Greek gods to the origins of the Norse gods You did weird shit like ride, Slapenir, Odins fucked up eight like its spider horse Here's a summary of the ancient Egyptians creation legends. The story written on a tomb wall, different than other creation narratives found on other tomb walls and other regions and from other eras. I say that to let you know why God descriptions from this story

Starting point is 00:37:39 won't always perfectly match up with the back stories of some of the gods we're gonna explore later in this episode. That is one of the things, there's more variation amongst the roles and the stories behind the Egyptian gods than there is like with the Norse gods and with the the gods of Greece, the gods of Rome. Mostly just because it's older. These stories, they went on for a longer period of time. They started off in an earlier era and the stories are a little more fragmented. But here we go.

Starting point is 00:38:06 Here's one common creation legend. Once there was nothing but endless dark water without form or purpose existing within this void was hecca, the god of magic, who waited the moment of creation. Out of this water resilience, new rose the primordial, that, out of this watery silence new rose the primordial, primordial hill, my God, known as the Benben, upon which stood the great God, Autumn. Autumn looked upon the nothingness and recognized his aloneness and so, through the agency of magic, he made it with his own shadow, to give birth to children, Shu, God of air, whom Autumn spat out, and Tefnut, goddess of moisture, who Autumn vomited out.

Starting point is 00:38:52 Okay? So God fucked his shadow, and he spit out his son, and then he threw up a daughter. All right, okay, fine. Shu, old spits on, then gave the early world the principles of life, while Tefnut, old puke princess, then gave the early world the principles of life while Tefneut, old puke princess, contributed the principles of order. That's a picture of being an angel person here and this and be like, fucking what? What do you say about this shadow fucking? Okay.

Starting point is 00:39:16 Leaving their father on the Ben Ben, they set out to establish the world. And time, autumn became concerned because his children were gone so long and so then he removed his eye. All right? Kind of like Odin. That's pretty weird. They both did that. Senate and search of them while his eye was gone, autumn sat alone on the hill in the midst of chaos and contemplated eternity. But he also contemplated how much it hurt to rip his fucking eye out. But he also thought quite a bit about how weird it was. fuck a shadow. Which randomly makes me think of Tom Cruise for some reason. He just, he just seems to me like someone so self-absorbed

Starting point is 00:39:49 he would jump at the chance to fuck himself if he's given the opportunity. Some hot cruise on cruise action. Why am I talking about that? A shoe and a teff-nut return with the eye of autumn. Later associated with the eye of raw and the all-seeing eye, illuminati, eye of providence. They're father grateful for their safe return. Shed tears of joy from both eyes. Cause now they're both back and it's got hit. These tears dripping into the dark, fertile earth of the bend bend gives birth to men and women.

Starting point is 00:40:15 Okay, so that's how we got here. We started off as tears. Guess that's better than starting off as, you know, shit or piss or something. These early creatures had nowhere to live though. So shoe and tefneut made it and gave birth to Gib, the earth and Nute, the sky. No idea the earth and sky came from incest. I wonder the world's so crazy. Gib and Nute, though brother and sister, fell deeply in love and were inseparable. Of course

Starting point is 00:40:39 that happened. There's one thing I learned in the Cleopatra episode back in January of 2019. It was the ancient Egyptians loved incest. Autumn found their behavior unacceptable. Good. And push newt away from Gab, high into the heavens. Two lovers were forever able to see each other, but we're not able to touch. Newt, though, was already pregnant by Gab, and eventually gave birth to Osiris. ISIS, set, Nethis, Horus, the five Egyptian gods most recognized as the earliest or at least as the most familiar representations of older god figures.

Starting point is 00:41:13 Osiris showed himself a thoughtful and judicious god that was given rule of the world by autumn, who then went off to attend to his own affairs. That's such a weird story about what to be with. What? And then after creating the world, God had some shit to do. He had some other stuff came up, yet in a social obligation. He forgot about making the world and stuff, right?

Starting point is 00:41:35 We're off to a conference or something. Don't even worry about it. So the one God leaves, after autumn bounces in the creation legend, Osiris administers the world efficiently co-ruling with his sister wife ISIS Besides where the trees are gonna grow or the water is gonna flow He creates land of Egypt and perfection along with the Mal river providing for the needs of the people

Starting point is 00:41:58 You think you would give it like a wider swath of good land. He's like, oh, let me make sure and get this right 90% of this area. I'm gonna leave pretty shitty. This is gonna be fucking sand and scorpions. But I'm gonna give this one little tiny chunk. It's gonna have a nice river. And yeah, there you go. This says, in all things, he acted in accordance with the principle of Mahat Harmony,

Starting point is 00:42:21 honored his father in siblings by keeping all things in a harmonious balance. Okay, well, he did a little more with at least one siblings by keeping all things in a harmonious balance. Okay, well, he did a little more with at least one sibling than just keep things in balance, whatever. His brother's set became envious of this creation and also of a Cyrus, his power and glory. He and his brother's exact measurements, or he had his brother's exact measurements taken in secret. And then he ordered an elaborate chest precisely to those specifications. And then when the chest was completed, set through a great banquet to which he invited Osiris and 72 other people. This is very complicated. This is very convoluted.

Starting point is 00:42:55 Where the hell did all these people suddenly come from? Why did you find a chest maker? Why is he making a chat? Why is he getting his measurements taken in secret? Just a second ago, there was like less than 10 gods. And people just been planted or molded at a clay or some shit, then everything's changed. Okay, now they have a party. At the end of the party, he offers the great chest, it's a gift, to the person who could best fit inside it.

Starting point is 00:43:16 Kinda weird party is this. Hey guys, look at this chest I had, made pretty cool chest, right? You on it? That's cool. Yeah, I'll give it to you. You just gotta climb in. Whoever fits the best, it's to have chest, because that's a new party That's cool. Yeah, I'll give it to you. You just gotta climb in whoever fits the best Kiss to have chest because that's the new party game

Starting point is 00:43:27 Or just come up with a fucking worst party game of all time Osiris fits perfectly because he was secretly measured at once. He's inside this chest coffin said slams a lid on him And he throws him into the now river and he tells everyone that Osiris is dead now. He's ruling Service Osiris right. How fucking dumb was he to get in that chest? His brother was like, hey man, just get in here. Get in here and see the chest.

Starting point is 00:43:52 Just see if he can fit in there. See, just come on, come on, do it, it's fun. Osiris's like, okay, I guess I get in a chest. Me like get in a chest. And then slam and throw in the mouth, river. Aisis refuses to believe that their dumb husband is dead. She goes looking for him. And then she finds a coffin inside a tree at a bibles.

Starting point is 00:44:12 He's inside a tree now, okay? Well, whatever. The people of the land are glad to help her retrieve the coffin from the tree. And for this, ISIS blesses them. And they later become the principal exporters of Papyrus in Egypt. So that's how they became the Papyrus people because they helped her out.

Starting point is 00:44:28 She brought the body back to Egypt and said about gathering the herbs, making potions, which could bring Osiris back to life, leaving her sister, Nephthes to guard over the place while she's working on this. During this time, Seth starts to worry that Isis might locate Osiris' body, find a way to bring him back to life because she's very powerful, knowledgeable in these matters. Upon finding her gone, he asks Nephise where she is. And the goddess answers some nonsense and he knows that she's lying. And then he's able to get from her where Osiris' body is actually hidden and he goes there

Starting point is 00:44:57 and he tears the coffin apart and then he cuts that son of a bitch in a 42-paces. And then he flings these pieces of Osiris. These fragments all over the place, all over Egypt. So the ISIS is never gonna be able to find them. And then he returns to his throne. He's like, ah, did it. Cut him up, son of a bitch. When ISIS returns, finds the coffin destroyed.

Starting point is 00:45:17 The body gone, she falls to her knees and despair and weeps. And if these feeling guilty for having betrayed her secret, tells ISIS what had happened, offers to help find the parts of OSIRIS. Now they go look for all these 42 parts. Whenever they find a little part, they buried on the spot, they find it,

Starting point is 00:45:31 and they build a shrine to protect it from set. And in this way, this is how the 42 provinces of ancient Eve were established by these goddesses. Okay, I see why you did that now. So they finally assembled the body. Except for the penis. Except for the wing. The penis had been eaten by fish.

Starting point is 00:45:48 What? How does this powerful god, so powerful, the 42 different pieces of him could establish different provinces? How do you have such a tiny penis that the fish was able to eat it? Insist! That's how if you haven't heard incest, really fuck you up. Poor god had one of those little incest wings. Well, I heard so much about. I've never heard anything about an incest wing. ISIS then creates a replacement wing and mates with her husband. So she makes a, she can't find his wing. She can't, you know, totally get him back together

Starting point is 00:46:15 but she can make a new wing that's kind of him but not attached to him. And then she uses this kind of a dildo, really, to become pregnant with her son, Horace. Uh-huh. Ha, ha, ha. Cyrus has been brought back to life successfully, but he's, you know, incomplete. You know, he can't rule the world like he had before. He instead descends to the underworld because he's sad about not having a penis anymore. Not having his original penis.

Starting point is 00:46:39 And then he becomes the righteous judge and ruler of the land of the dead. That's how he ends up, you know, in the underworld. Trauma. Had a real rough go of it. He was like and ruler of the land of the dead. That's how he ends up in the underworld. Trauma. He had a real rough go of it. He was like, fuck the field of reads. I'm taking my new dick. I'm going down to Egyptian hell. Horus, sometimes known as Horus the Younger,

Starting point is 00:46:53 to differentiate from Horus, the brother of Osiris raised in secret to protect him from set, and then having grown to manhood, challenges his uncle for the rule of his father's former kingdom, the battle rages for 80 years. Delhorus defeats set, banishes him from Egypt to Duel in the air of deserts. Horus then rules with his mother Isis and aunt, Nethis, as his counselors and harmonies again restored to the land. So there you go. It's pretty simple, really, pretty straightforward.

Starting point is 00:47:18 That's how everything you've ever seen or thought about, God, here, you dummy, okay? I get it. I'm not confused at all. That'll make a great movie. Okay, although there are, as I said, many different versions of this myth, the one element that remains pretty standard on all of them is the concept of harmony, which is disrupted and must be restored. It's a big theme in Egyptian religion.

Starting point is 00:47:38 This principle of my art was at the heart of all Egyptian mythology, every myth, and some form or another relies upon this value to inform it? Interesting to note that no matter what era the tales were first composed in the principle of harmonious balance of moat the heart of Heart of all of them the repulsing of a pep and evil dragon-like creature that looked on the horizon was a popular Egyptian tale each evening at sunset It tried to stop the passage of the setting sun through the underworld. As the sky was clear, it indicated an easy passage. A blood-red sunset showed a desperate battle between the forces of good and evil. But the sun always was the victor. There was always a new dawn. The balance of day and night never destroyed. Always harmony. The Egyptians told tales of how the

Starting point is 00:48:19 vegetation that died with the harvest was reborn when the grain sprouted. Just as the sun God died each evening was reborn the next morning. Always balance. Everything in the universe was thought to be maintained in constant balance without determinists and as human beings were a part of that universe, they too participated in this eternal balance. My aunt was made possible by this underlying force which existed before creation and made all aspects of life possible. It was known as Heca. Heca was the magical power, which enabled the gods to perform their duties and sustained all life.

Starting point is 00:48:51 Heca isn't quite strong enough to repair a penis, eaten by some fish, they can do almost anything else. Heca also personified in the God Heca, well also allowed for the soul to pass from earthly existence to the afterlife. Like I said earlier, when the soul left the body of death, it was thought to appear in the hall of truth to stand before Osiris for judgment. The heart of the deceased weighed on a golden scale against the white feather of Ma'at.

Starting point is 00:49:13 The heart found to be lighter than the feather of the soul allowed to move onto the field of reads. Heart heavier than the feather, right? That's when it gets thrown on the floor and that fucking monster, the gobler, Amit, the devour, eats it and you cease to exist. Sounds terrible. Despite my joke around earlier about Osiris and the underworld, the Egyptian underworld,

Starting point is 00:49:30 not really hell, as understood by modern day monotheistic religions, as one historian writes, the Egyptians feared eternal darkness and unconsciousness in the afterlife. They weren't worried about being eternally tortured. They just didn't want to cease to exist, because that's what would happen if Amit ate your heart. Existence being a part of the universal journey which began with autumn and the bend bend, the primordial hill, was

Starting point is 00:49:53 the natural state of a soul and the thought of being eternally separated from that journey of non-existence was more terrifying to ancient Egyptians than any underworld filled with torment could ever be any land of eternal pain. Because at least in those lands, one still existed. So is either heaven or just pff, you're gone. Interesting fear, by the way, too. I've never really worried about ceasing to exist. Like if that's indeed my fate,

Starting point is 00:50:21 I'll never consciously know that if I cease to exist. You ever think about that? Like I'll never be sad about it. I'll never be know that if I cease to exist. You ever think about that? I'll never be sad about it. You'll never be disappointed and fallen to despair because you just won't be able to think about anything. When you can't think, you can't reflect. When you can't reflect, you can't regret or feel sorrow or despair. There's no pain and sleep. I find that kind of comforting, actually.

Starting point is 00:50:39 All that being said, ideally, I would like to move on to some other cool world. It'd be pretty sweet. I'd say ancient Egyptians, you know, they'd be fun if my wife and kids and dogs are in it, you know, I like my life here. It's not perfect. But I wouldn't mind repeating it. I can argue with Lindsey here and there forever. A nice afterlife concept, Egyptians.

Starting point is 00:50:56 Now that we know a little bit about the Egyptian religion and have been briefly introduced to some of its oldest gods, let's learn a lot more about their vast pantheon of deities. This is the most fun part. Let's meet a bunch of their stranger gods, learn a bit about some of those OG gods we Let's learn a lot more about their vast pantheon of deities. This is the most fun part. Let's meet a bunch of their stranger gods. Learn a bit about some of those OG gods we've already been introduced to. Records have been found for somewhere again between 1500, 2000 separate gods in ancient Egypt.

Starting point is 00:51:14 More gods may yet be discovered. Won't come close to touching them all today. Let's investigate some of the more prominent gods to start with. We'll start by revisiting Amman. Amman or Amman means invisible one. Usually depicted as a bearded man wearing a headdress with a double plume, or after the new kingdom as a ram-headed man,

Starting point is 00:51:34 or simply as just a ram. Just the great god of Dodge trucks. Despite this creation myth, the one you just heard, Autumn, actually a minor god in parts of Egypt for years. Before that particular creation myth was written, and then he rose in power through the centuries to become the God of universal power,

Starting point is 00:51:52 eventually described as the King of the Gods. That's a dope description. The King of the Gods. That's if that was your job title. No job titled trumps that. No one's more impressed by any other title during the office tour. Here's a, this is Wendy King's office. She's our CFO or Chief Financial Officer.

Starting point is 00:52:13 Our office is more than twice as eyes of the offices of any of the senior VPs. Spectacular Panoramic View of the City below. Over here we have our CEO, Jamal Johnson's office. He has his own private balcony, bathroom kitchenette, private elevator. That's down there. That's Lucy Martinez's office. She's our COO, Chief Operations Officer. Not as nice as Vanoffice's Jamal's, but she does have her own private workout space. That meets with the personal trainer. You don't paid for her by the company. Has a sitting and a standing desk. Good to be worse. Now, if you look at this window and look across this courtyard here, you see that other building, that giant pyramid shaped structure, easily twice as big as this entire office building.

Starting point is 00:52:48 We're standing right now. That entire building is the office and temple of Dan Cummins, King of the Gods bow down, a virtue or eyes filthy peasant. You're not worthy of resting your gaze upon its glorious, july-crusted walls." So, pretty sweet, King of the Gods. Each Egyptian city had a patron god, and a monkeying of the gods was the patron for thieves for several millennia, relatively unimportant during the Old King of the But then, yeah, rose to dominance during the middle of the new kingdoms when thieves became

Starting point is 00:53:20 the seat of the pharaohs. At one point, he was combined with the sun God, raw, to elevate his importance. That's why he sometimes referred to us, Amun-Rah. Let me explain his ascension to becoming top God a bit further. Amun first mentioned around 2,400 BCE as a local God of Thieves. Not even the supreme God of Thieves that time. He's like a sad boy God. His lowly chump of a God.

Starting point is 00:53:42 The main God was Montu, God of War. The creator God was raw. Montu, a God. The main God was Montu God of War, the creator God was raw, Montu a fierce warrior who helped the grotesque might and influence Montu could have kicked a shit out of autumn at any time. Amman someone associated with protecting the king with most of the associate with fertility.

Starting point is 00:53:56 Amman was part of the Oga, Oga to Od, eight gods who represented the primordial elements of creation at the time, but not a significant part. Um, and also represented hiddenness at this time. He was mysterious, and later theological writers would fill in his mystery with power. A series of priests decided that he was actually much more than a fertility deity. Nah. He's not, he's not just that. What was that statue? Where he said, oh, he's the true king of the gods. That statue just told me. By the 17th century BCE, he'd become part of a triad of the most important gods, along with his consort, Mute, ancient Egyptian from mother and son, Consol, the moon god. And then when

Starting point is 00:54:35 Pharaoh, almost one defeated the Hixos, the nomadic people of someone unknown origin, possibly Asian, who ruled northern Egypt at the time, the Pharaoh attributed his victory to Amun. And he'd linked him to the well-known Sun God Rah. Amos, the first 16th century BCE Pharaoh, founder of the 18th dynasty of Egypt, classified as the first dynasty of the new kingdom of Egypt. Amun, also known as the hidden one, you know, since he wasn't linked to any definable natural phenomena or principle, he was malleable enough to fit with any attribute one wish to add to him. In this case, the mysterious aspect of life, that which makes life what it is, was linked

Starting point is 00:55:12 to this, his, you know, the sun, raw, a moon, then became a moon raw creator of the universe, king of the gods. And then after all of this was established, creation myth you heard earlier was written. All right. Now let's talk about an enubis. Anubis, dog folk. Anubis has to be one of the most visibly recognizable gods of ancient Egypt. Anubis, the Egyptian god of mummification in the afterlife, as well as the patron god of lost souls and the helpless.

Starting point is 00:55:40 One of the oldest gods of Egypt, most likely developed from a much older jackal god, who knows who we'll wet more of that? That's a fucking tough word. There's three W's in that word. No thank you. A new bus has been around at least 3150 BCE if not earlier. The picture does half man and half jackal. Why a jackal?

Starting point is 00:56:04 This is interesting. Because during the first dynasty of Egypt, when he became an important god, appeared the last year from 3150 BCE to 2890 BCE, Egypt was preposterously overrun with an animal that looked like modern jackals, actually more closely related to wolves, possibly either the African golden wolf or the Ethiopian wolf. Both animals similar to a coyote and size, a little bigger, but similar, around 25 to 45 pounds in size, Egypt had an estimated 40 to 50 million of these wolves during the first dynasty. These wolves destroyed several Egyptian cities,

Starting point is 00:56:37 eight-dollar crops, and then when the crops ran out, facing starvation, these animals became exceptionally aggressive. And they stormed the cities, they overpowered local populations, an army of millions of small wolves eight every man woman and child in several cities the fame city of kaira became a ghost town has three hundred thousand people right eaten by wolves uh... you know who by the time they made it to kaira these wolves had figured out how to use chariots, swords, and war light armor. Armored sword wielding chariot riding desert jackal wolves.

Starting point is 00:57:09 It's such a crazy thought. Obviously, that never happened. It's like crazy talk. But I love picture in that. Just a literal army of little wolves, sacking cities. What a crazy ass vision that is. Why is Anubis depicted as a jackal like Wolfman? Because of the time, jackals are wolves, started to keep mentioning both,

Starting point is 00:57:27 for a long time, Egyptologist, or certain Egypt had lots of jackals. And this reason was like, no, I think it's wolves actually. I'll say jackals from now on, to make it less confusing. So these jackals constantly getting into old cemeteries and scavenging the dead, not making that up. That was a real problem 5,000 years ago. My people would bury their dead in these cemeteries, fucking jackals.

Starting point is 00:57:47 Come, just dig up the graves and tear their bodies apart. I'm sure that was very upsetting. Imagine that, damn scavengers. Imagine you go back to the cemetery to pay your respects to Grandpa. You find out that a bunch of wild dogs dug him up, they're eating his body. I don't know, I'm guessing you wouldn't like that. Just no! Bad jackal wolf! I go pop-hop foot, you're eating his body. I don't know, I'm guessing you wouldn't like that. Just, no! Bad jackal wolf! I go pop-hop foot, you son of a bitch. Oh no!

Starting point is 00:58:09 Why'd you have to run off with his head, Yasuo? A new beast usually depicted as having dark black skin. Why? Because it symbolized decay, as well as the fertile soil of the Nile River Valley. On this powerful black canine god became the protector of the dead and he had to pay tribute to him him keep those damned jackals from carrying off Nana's legs He worked with the goddess Isis from the creation myth mother of Horus to mummify the body of Isis's husband brother Osiris Lord of the dead and rebirth son of Newton Gebb grandson of autumn

Starting point is 00:58:39 God of creation After Osiris was killed by his brother set Set the God of desert storms, and be disordered of violence chaos foreigners. A newbie's role in rituals of the dead was to hold the scales on which a dead human's heart was weighed against the feather of truth. Unlike I said earlier, right,

Starting point is 00:58:56 if the heart weighed less the feather, now, and a newbie's would take this dead soul to Osiris in the underworld, where would live forever? Up into the person, didn't leave a virtuous life, I'm at the devour, gobble it up. Many spells and rituals were carried out over bodies after death designed to lighten one's heart and prevent this.

Starting point is 00:59:13 Just imagine some ancient priests, did a bunch of hocus pocus, some old tomb, assuring someone's grieving family that their loved one's heart was gonna be super light. Now you don't you worry a bit. I'm gonna use no trick my dad taught me. Get that heart nice and light. Gonna sprinkle a little paprika on it.

Starting point is 00:59:29 A little fennel. People will tell you about the fennel. Now you can never go too heavy with the fennel. Gonna send it to the sun for a bit, dry it out just a little bit more. And then I'm gonna roll around some cumin. Don't you tell anybody about me rolling around that heart and some cumin.

Starting point is 00:59:40 That's a family secret. I'm an eight eating this heart. Oh no sir. Oh dog or asshole. Has need any of the hearts. Oh, no sir. Oh, dog or ass, cool. It has neat and any of the hearts. I've put my mumble, jumble on for over five years. You can check my records. Although a new bus does not play a major role in many myths.

Starting point is 00:59:54 His popularity was immense. And as with many Egyptian deities, he survived on into other periods through association with the gods of other lands. The Greeks would associate him with their god Hermes, who guided the dead to the afterlife. That's kind of cool about a lot of the Egyptian gods. They morphed and found new life in other religions after the ancient religions of Egypt, you know, went away. Now let's talk about that gobbler, Amit. Amit, kind of a goddess, morphed just a monster, sometimes described as a demoness. None of Amit's titles make her sound like a fun,

Starting point is 01:00:23 cool person to hang out with. She was known as the devour of the dead, the eater of hearts, and the great of death. The great of death, that's some weird wording. Doesn't exactly roll off the tone. Be aware it is the great of death. What did you say? Emmett was a Camero with the head of a crocodile, four limbs of a lion, hind limbs of a hippopotamus, all lumped into a kind of human shape. Amit the personification of three man-eating predators, Egyptians feared the most. Other than eating the hearts of, you know, people that led unvergious lives, that Amit Feather, or that Anubis Feather, Amit doesn't seem to have done a whole lot. She's kind of a one-dimensional goddess. Bit of a one trick deity.

Starting point is 01:01:05 Never worship, just feared. I feel like she didn't get invited to a lot of parties, throw him away to the other gods. She's probably a real bummer to hang out with. Just, I get it. You eat people's hearts. We all get it, Amit. It's literally all you ever talk about.

Starting point is 01:01:19 You're either eating hearts, or you're talking about eating hearts. Get a different hobby for fuck's sake. It's exhausting listening to all your heart talk. Let's move on to a more robust God now. Uh, Aughton. Traditionally considered an aspect of the Sun God raw. Aughton was at one time the Sun disc itself. The word Aughton appears in the Old Kingdom as a noun meaning disc, which referred to anything flat and circular. The Sun was called the disc of the day, where raw was thought to reside. And that is why Aughton was the ancient god of both disc golf and ultimate frisbee.

Starting point is 01:01:49 Now, Ahten was actually briefly the god of everything. The solar Ahten was extensively worshiped as a god in the reign of Amman. Oh boy. Amman Hotepp, the third, when he was depicted as a falconheaded man like raw. In the In the reign of Amanhotep, the third successor, Amanhotep IV. The Ahten became the central god of the Egyptian state religion in the 14th century BCE. Amanhotep IV actually changed his name to Ahten, meaning beloved of Ahten, and not only was Ahten elevated to supreme God's status, but briefly, he was the only God you could worship. status, but briefly, he was the only God you could worship. A new royal city called Armana was dedicated exclusively to often a brief moment of monotheism, the type of religion that

Starting point is 01:02:31 would take over the world centuries later was introduced when Akanatan died spiritual life then reverted back to revolving around a polytheistic religion. Akanatan's successor intentionally wiped out all memory of the Pharaoh and raised Armana to the ground. No more monotheism. Ah, you don't tell me I go outwards about about a thousand gods that I want to you know get it limit me. I find the way various Egyptian gods rose and fell in power pretty fast. It reminds me of the stock market. You know like for a period of time Egypt is all about

Starting point is 01:02:59 rotten. Odin's stock is fucking soaring. It's splitting. It's soaring. It's like Tesla recently. You know, it's like, it's like a Microsoft levels right now. And then Pharaoh dies. Oh boy. New one comes in. And suddenly, Ottenstock is like current Nordstrom level. This is all very different than say like Norse mythology. Like in certain Nordic lands like Iceland, Odin was the top dog even in the earliest Norseogus. Maybe it went by a different name, but seemed to be the same god. You know, much more consistency. Odin still worshiped today actually in the traditional Al-Satru religion. I think Odin is always listed amongst the most powerful Nordic gods because prior to the late second century BCE, we don't know who the Norse worshiped. The earliest references to Odin come from when the Romans encountered early Germanic people sometimes around, or sometimes

Starting point is 01:03:42 around 101 BCE. And most of what we know about Odin and the other Norse gods comes from just one document. The 13th centuries pros-edda, nice landic work of literature containing the creation and destruction of the world of the Nordic gods, many other aspects of Norse mythology, one document. As opposed to over 60 different ancient Egyptian tombs, many other artifacts with writing on them. I think we also see more fluctuation with Egyptian gods because the earliest depictions of these gods go back over 3,000 years,

Starting point is 01:04:10 before the earliest depictions of Odin, Thor, other Germanic gods who did have different names and slightly different abilities in early accounts compared to accounts hundreds of years later. Talking about some very old gods today, and the old gods changed as humanity changed around them. And that's still happening today, actually, if you think about it, think about how very old gods today, and the old gods changed as humanity changed around them. And that's still happening today, actually, if you think about it, think about how much variation exists today regarding Christianity compared to like a thousand years ago.

Starting point is 01:04:31 Thousand years ago, you know, you worship Jesus the way the Pope told you to worship Jesus, or there was a real good chance you were labeled a heretic and you're going to lose your life in a very painful way. Now there are more than 200 distinct different Christian bodies in just United States alone. More than 200. Some estimate worldwide, there are over 30,000 different Christian ecclesiastical bodies with their own leaders and brick and mortar houses of worship. All this variety for religion based on for the most part,

Starting point is 01:04:58 one book, one big collection of books, many of them written, you know, less than 2000 years ago. By comparison, the Egyptians were much more all over the place because they had no central book letting everyone know what God did this or what God did that. They didn't have priests who preached the agreed upon word of the people, right? And it just lasted a lot longer, their religion. No wonder their stories, their gods changed, you know, quite a bit. Now, let's talk about another one of their shifting gods, Bost or Bostet.

Starting point is 01:05:24 Ancient Egyptians love kitty cats. In fact, the ancient gypsons are thought by many to have been the first people to truly domesticate cats around 4,000 years ago. Around 8,000 years ago, small wild cats started hanging around fertile crescent farms in the communities of Egypt and Mesopotamia, eating some rodents, now eating humans, garbage,

Starting point is 01:05:42 table scraps, and eventually these cats started to be tamed. And now millions and millions of people have those early cats mostly cute and often snobby descendants in their homes. Selfishured, little creatures who seem to think they're still gods. Cats were thought by the Egyptians to possess divine energy, and were the most revered of their domestic animals. Boss Ted was the Egyptian cat goddess. Oh, gee gee cat lady.

Starting point is 01:06:05 Depicted either as a domestic cat or a feline head on a woman's body. It seems he was originally an avenging lioness deity, but then evolved into a goddess of pleasure. Many cats lived in her main temple in the Western Delta and an immense cemetery of mummified cats was discovered in that area. So I'm sure her temple smelled fucking really good.

Starting point is 01:06:25 One gigantic ancient litter box. Sweet. Her double price smelled worse than the fish temple. Boss Ted was believed to have been able to transform into a regular old human cat. So be nice, you're kitty. Could be Boss Ted, you know, you're telling to get out the table. Or for the majority of her Egyptian life, she was depicted as the daughter of raw and isis. She also dated Patah for a while, God of Craftsmen and Architects. Patah and Bostet had a son, Mahas, line-headed war God.

Starting point is 01:06:52 Patah was an Egyptian creator God who has written about in certain creation mythologies as existing before all other things. And by his will, he thought the world into existence. Patah was worshiped throughout all of Egypt for a while. His primary cult centers were in Memphis and oh, he exe, Heliopolis, there we go. He was actually so popular in Egypt,

Starting point is 01:07:13 it said that the name Egypt itself draws, drives from a Greek spelling of the name of a temple in Memphis. Haqqa Fatsis, this word is fucking ridiculous. There was no pronunciation for this. The name of this temple is H-W-T-K-A-P-T-H. Get the fuck out of here. It means the temple of the Ka of Patah, okay? In some creation mythology,

Starting point is 01:07:36 he's seen as having been more directly in control of creation than either raw or autumn. Generally depicted as a mummified man with unbound arms holding the staff. Bostet, one of the rare Egyptian gods that died in her mythology. She eventually had her throat ripped out by Bojangles Egyptian dog god of power Dog folk whooping cat folk yeah, yeah, yeah, that didn't happen Be put kind cool if you did though next up gab

Starting point is 01:08:01 Father of snakes you mentioned gab in the creation myth earlier Gab, father of snakes, you mentioned Gab in the creation myth earlier. Gab was the Egyptian god of the fertile earth and barren desert associated with fertility, said to have laid the egg from which the sun was hatched. Associated with the goose. Alright, it's random. He was known as the great cacler sometimes and his laughter was thought to cause earthquakes. He's associated with snakes and geese. Also mentioned in some pyramid texts, is in prisoning the berry dead within his own body.

Starting point is 01:08:27 Also associated with vegetation and healing. So many gods, so many guys. I keep thinking it must have been so hard to keep track of all this back in ancient Egypt. But I have to remember like, we're looking at the entire history of the worship of these gods at the span thousands of years. At the time during one generation's lives,

Starting point is 01:08:44 I'm sure it didn't change that much. I'm sure it was kind of agreed upon. If you look at the giant history of any religion and culture, you'll see lots of change, but not probably felt so dramatically for any particular lifespan. Now let's talk about cows, more cows after last weeks,

Starting point is 01:08:58 very disturbing bovine references. Let's talk about the goddess of cows, Hathor. Ola, Yahim Kroll from last week, he might have worshipped this God. Speaking of Yahim, time for one of today's sponsors. Another one of today's sponsors. Days time sockets brought to you by Kroll's Cafe in Maltzshaap. I love fellow Dinah and sex and caliber. This is Yahim Kroll and I want you to come to my cafe down in Strusosar Krat.

Starting point is 01:09:26 We have the finest chocolate molds, the sexiest hamburgers, but mostly people come for the blue light specials. This week we have a nice finger steak surprise, and that is really all I can say about it. It's quite chilly but well worth it. And they should bring in the kiddies and check out a wonderful children's menu. Bring in the kiddies and I will cover the happy plates with copious amounts of semen. Our semen brand, fry sauce is quite delicious, which in creamy recipe made every morning by myself in house.

Starting point is 01:09:57 So come on down to close cafe, that is always mostly beef. I promise. Okay, now we're back to the gut. If you listened to last week's episode, you know exactly how messed up that was. If not, don't even worry about it. I'm doing worry about it. Before we move on to the gods, actually,

Starting point is 01:10:14 time for some real sponsors finally. Real good companies with real good deals that I hope you take advantage of. And we're back, back to Hathor. Six of Calgot this. Wife to Horus, Hathor, sex of Calgothus. A wife to Horus, Hathor, goddess of sensual power was known as the Calgothus, complete with sexy bovine eyes, also the personification of the Milky Way. She would eventually be considered the primeval goddess from whom all others were

Starting point is 01:10:37 derived. Hathor came to be regarded as the mother of the sun God, raw, held a prominent place in his barge as it sailed across the night's guy into the underworld and rose again at dawn. Although in times she came to be considered the ultimate personification of kindness and love, she was initially literally a bloodthirsty deity unleashed on mankind to punish humans for their sins. Man, I know I keep being this drum, but the transformation these gods would undergo so crazy sometimes I mean imagine if modern religions did that like these huge shifts how extra confusing

Starting point is 01:11:11 Would religion be you know? No, no, no saints saints not that bad at all didn't didn't get the new Bible version 5349 Yeah, Satan used to be the dark Lord who ruled over the fire repetitive eternal flame That's old Satan. New Satan is a God of beer pong. Puppy's an ice cream. Yeah, yeah, look it up. He doesn't even care about your soul anymore. Now he just wants to pay your puppy, have some ice cream, and play a little beer pong.

Starting point is 01:11:35 He's really mellowed out. And oh, and you might want to stop praying to Jesus for salvation. Jesus doesn't care about anymore. That's old Jesus. New Jesus is the God of shotguns and light bondage. Uh huh. All new Jesus wants to do is shoot some clay pigeons and spank your ass until you yell your say for it.

Starting point is 01:11:52 Times have really changed. Times have really changed. I mean, that is basically what happened in Egypt. Maybe not quite that dramatic, but the roles of God's change often and sometimes quite dramatically is various pharaohs claiming to be the offspring of various gods or gods associated with certain cities became more powerful due to that city becoming more prominent due to various priests reinterpreting re-imagining

Starting point is 01:12:14 the origins and roles of the gods to what I imagine were their political and financial gain. Hathor usually depicted as a woman with the head of a cow, ears of a cow, simply in cow form, mostly was the goddess of women love beauty, pleasure and music for her god lifespan. She was a nice lady with a dark past. She was sent to earth by her father, Rod, a punishment kind for their wickedness, but then she went on a bloody killing spree that horrified Rod and then she calmed down. He stopped her by tricking her into drinking beer, mixed with mandrake, and the blood of the slain.

Starting point is 01:12:46 After so intoxicated, she couldn't kill anyone anymore. She lose to Fina, hell lose to Fina, hell hathor, and then she calmed down and became all about pleasure and music and beauty. Others are more about Horus now, the son of Osiris and Isis. Horus was the protector and patron of the Pharaohs, the god of kingship, raised by his mother and secret after the death of Osiris and Isis, Horus was the protector and patron of the Pharaohs, the God of King Ship, raised by his mother and secret after the death of Osiris and waged an 80-year battle with Seth, also known as Seth, God of Desert Storms, Envy, Disorder, Violence

Starting point is 01:13:15 and Forners to avenge his father's death and take back the throne of Egypt. And I've got to say before I move on, Seth, way cooler, Egyptian, God-named and Seth. Seth is such a Egyptian God name and Seth. Seth is such a funny God name to me. The battle of the gods is set to begin. O Cyrus's death will be avenged. The great Horus God of Kings will do battle with Seth. Great God and son of Randy and Michelle. Seth is just too linked to my brain to a regular old

Starting point is 01:13:43 modern name to sound cool as a God's name. A Horus too linked to my brain, to a regular old modern name, to sound cool as a God's name. A Horus typically portrayed as the ideal son to which all sons should aspire to emulate. Horus, the last born of the first five original gods. Also according to the Egyptian historian Jimmy Dunn, Horus is the most important of the avian deities, who takes on so many forms and is depicted so differently in various inscriptions that it is nearly impossible to distinguish the true Horus Horus is mostly a general term for a great number of Falcon deities. Yeah, to make it even more confusing Let's move on learn a little bit about Horus's mother Isis wife of Osiris

Starting point is 01:14:19 Isis Brought Horus the hawk good boy son hungry man Salisbury brought Horace the hawk, good boy son, hungry man, Salisbury, estate dinners, and letting him live in her basement until he was 37. I know, but she is Horace's mother. She was also, as we said before, Osiris's sister, gross.

Starting point is 01:14:33 She was also the sister of Set, aka Seth, son of Randy and Michelle. And Nethes, ISIS was Egypt's most popular goddess, was worshiped beyond her borders, even had a temple in Roman London, made it all the way to England. She was seen as a celestial wife and mother,

Starting point is 01:14:49 also a healer and protector. ISIS was worshiped primarily as the goddess of good fortune, sea and travel. And our popularity spread across the Mediterranean. They just mentioned, you know, spread, you know, all the way to England. Sailors revered her. A festival held every spring,

Starting point is 01:15:02 became associated with ISIS. It was later known across the Roman world as the Navigym, uh, Isid, Isidus. Uh, many cities that depended on maritime trade such as Pompeii looked to ISIS to defend them from the wrath of capricious Neptune. One of the best preserved temples of ISIS actually found in Pompeii, built in the first century CE. It's frescoes to pick ISIS as Roman worshippers would have imagined her in Hellenized form rather than have in Egyptian qualities. In Romans that issue was leaked with Fortuna,

Starting point is 01:15:30 goddess of luck, Venus, goddess of love, the first and second century CE writer Plutarch likened her to Persephone, consort of Hades, Lord of the underworld, all these gods, get all mingled, Egypt and Rome, Greece, her viral spread around Europe began with a conquest of Alexander the Great. When Alexander king of the ancient Greek kingdom

Starting point is 01:15:49 of Macedon conquered Egypt in 332 BCE, the worship of ISIS would flourish and expand beyond Egypt. Rather than censor Egyptian traditional religion, Alexander embraced it. While visiting the city of Memphis, Alexander made sacrifices to Aepus and Egyptian bull god, also associated with Osiris and connected the D.D.'s power to his own reign. Following Alexander's death in 323 BCE, one of his generals, Ptolemy I took Ptolemy I Sodor, took control of Egypt, continued the practice of religious tolerance.

Starting point is 01:16:20 It's dynasty, the so-called Ptolemies. We learned about in the Cleopatra Suck, so much incest, we continue to unite the new Macedon elite with the local Egyptian population through the adoption of the Egyptian faith. Under Talamag rule, aspects of Osiris and Apes combined with traits of Greek gods, including Zeus and Hades, to create a synchretic deity, Serapis, his association with the underworld, and therefore with with the Cyrus helped the framers of the new Talamei cult settle on ISIS as Serapis, his concerts. They have gods get married to each other. Right, one Egyptian god, one one Greek god, Minglew all up. Their center, a center of worship was in Alexandria, a major commercial center for the Talameis to Alexandria merchants,

Starting point is 01:17:01 ISIS and Serapis became associated with prosperity in addition to the afterlife, healing and fertility. Most often represented as a beautiful woman wearing a sheath dress and either the hieroglyphic sign of the throne or a solar disc and a cow's horns resting upon her head. Hail Lucaphina! Occasionally she was represented as a scorpion, a bird, a sow, or as a cow. I love their cows. Less hail, Lucifina. As we mentioned earlier, ISIS said to every tree and reassembled the body of her husband Osiris after he was tricked and killed by his brother, Set, and his body strewn to the

Starting point is 01:17:35 four corners of the earth. And then she built him a new wien and when she couldn't find his old one, she then impregnated herself with this new wien to give birth to Horace. Then she was the goddess of life. The winds, the heavens, magic and beer, which partially does explain why she was so popular. Good to be the goddess of beer. Easier to go viral spread around Europe. If you're the beautiful goddess of magic beer, heaven,

Starting point is 01:17:56 naval protection, you know, as opposed to being like the only goddess of taxes, prune juice and I don't know, like in cow poop. Now onto the goddess, Newt spelled nut, said newt. Newt was the sky goddess and is depicted as holding up the sky on her back. Often depicted as a woman arched over the earth, God, gebb. Sometimes depicted as a celestial cow. The man it couldn't, couldn't get over their cows. Like the ancient Egyptians love cows as almost as much as old a

Starting point is 01:18:22 yuck him, crow love cows. Her body blue covered in stars New became pregnant with five children and raw for Bade her from giving birth during the official calendar year The ancient Egyptian calendar consisted of only 360 days a year 12 months of 30 days 24 hours within those days She asked from some help from thoth God of the moon scripture science messenger and recorder of the deities master of knowledge patron of scribes Has been said that thoth was secretly in love with newt didn't hesitate when she asked him for his assistance Thoth was able to play dice with the moon granted newt five extra calendar days in order for her to give birth to her five children

Starting point is 01:18:58 Osiris isis set or Seth son of Randy and Michelle Nethis and Horace the Elder. Newt Swallows the setting sun each evening gives birth to him each morning, often depicted on the ceiling of tombs and inside of coffin lids. Now a bit more on O-ah, on O-Syrus. We mentioned he became the God of the dead

Starting point is 01:19:18 after he was killed by his brother Seth, aka Seth son of Randy and Michelle, and then he became responsible for judging the dead. Osiris not just the ancient Egyptian god of the dead, but the god of resurrection into eternal life, ruler, protector, and judge of the deceased. And before all that, god of the Pharaoh, a role taken over by his son Horus, Osiris usually illustrated as looking like the pharaohs, wearing an ateff crown with Rams horns, carrying a crook and flail. Lower body usually depicted being mummified.

Starting point is 01:19:49 Faces either blue, color of death, black, the color of fertile earth, or green, the color of resurrection. Real quick, let's explain this crook and flail a bit. What are those you may be asking? Knowing the original function of the crook and flail helps to see how they were used as symbols representing roles of the Pharaoh. The cook was known as the Heca in Egyptian, originated from the staff known as Awet.

Starting point is 01:20:12 Shepherds used it to protect their sheep. The cook represented the Pharaoh's role as the shepherd for the people of Egypt. The flail was known as the Neckach in Egyptian. Neckachach, I think. It was a rod with three strands of beads attached to the top. as the Nick- uh, Nick- uh, Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- uh- Nick- Nick- through punishment if necessary, essential to sustaining society. Second interpretation, second interpretation is that the flail was used as an agricultural tool to thresh grain. In this interpretation, the flail represented the Pharaoh's role

Starting point is 01:20:52 in providing for the people of Egypt, protecting land that could grow food for people. Together, the crook and flail used to represent the two most important roles of the fair. You gotta protect the people, you gotta guide them guide them, you've got to have them, make sure they have land to grow their crops. And check out this little Osiris time suck mythology connection. I thought this was super cool.

Starting point is 01:21:14 Osiris became one of the most revered gods in Egypt, and even throughout the civilized world in the millennia before the appearance of Christianity, his origins still remain pretty obscure. Ancient Egyptians, according to some historians, would emphatically argue that he was once a flesh and blood man before he died and became a god. When he was a man, he was none other than a mercarrh known as Nimrod in the book of Genesis, who ruled over the first super kingdom in history in the ancient Sumerian city of Ulrich, over the first super king, given history in the ancient Sumerian city of Uruk found

Starting point is 01:21:44 that around 4,000 BCE. And Mercarr was a legendary king listed as the builder of Uruk said to have reigned anywhere from 420 to 900 years. So it was our Nimrod, God of Time, suck once known as, and Mercarr also as Osiris. Was our mighty space ass guac, the size of a galaxy with the head of a chubacabra flaming

Starting point is 01:22:05 suns for eyes mighty Nimrod riding his magical black unicorn through the multiverse was he wants Osiris Egyptian god of the dead hail Nimrod Halo Cyrus hail and mercarr Maybe the best known Egyptian god by people today is raw raw the Egyptian sun god ruler of everything associated with Horace often the Falcon God depicted as a man with the falcons head in a sun disc on a around his Craneum raw associated with death as he passed through the underworld each night where he would defeat the allies of chaos Like I said earlier when almond rose to prominence. He was fused with raw became almond raw It's like something makes me wanna say ramen.

Starting point is 01:22:47 And became ramen noodle. God of the noodle. Sometimes raw was also merged with Horus, and became raw, horakti, raw who was Horus of the two horizons. We're complicated. Before the rise of almond raw, like Patat times, was seen as the principal creator and the king of the gods, OG king of the gods,

Starting point is 01:23:05 original sun god, raw represented in variety of forms. Most usual form was a man with a head of a falcon and a solar disc on top and a coiled serpent around the disc. Other common forms are a man with the head of a beetle, man with the head of a ram. Raw also pictured as a full body gram, beetle, phoenix, heron, serpent, bull, cat, lion, these old, beetle, Phoenix, Heron, Serpent, Bull, Cat, Lion. These old desert gods, man, lots of rebranding, lots of rebranding, lots of committees probably like, no, no, we got to give them a new look. People are fucking tired of the Heron. Heron didn't strong enough.

Starting point is 01:23:36 Got to make them a snake again. Maybe a beetle, maybe a beetle snake. Maybe a beetle juic, Beetle juic, Beetle juic, Beetle juic. Raw was most commonly featured with the Rams head in the underworld in this form. Raw is described as being the ram of the West or the ram in charge of his hair. Some literature, Raw is also described as an Asian king with golden flesh, silver bones, and hair of Lappus, LaZouli. Raw also Lappus, Lazali.

Starting point is 01:23:58 I think I can't remember. I should have done a pronunciation guy for that one. I thought I had it. On the written page, it looked good. Now I'm like, I don't know, I don't know what that is. I know what it means blue. I know it's like some kind of blue stone thing. Ross, yeah, Ross is also the father of Bostet,

Starting point is 01:24:10 the cat god, had it with ISIS. He's a hathor to cowl, ladies dad. Sechmet, another daughter of Ra. Sechmet, warrior goddess, as well as goddess of healing. Depicted as a lioness, seen as the protector of the pharaohs, led them in warfare upon death. Sechmet continued to protect them, as well as Goddess of Healing depicted as a lioness, seen as the protector of the Pharaohs, led them in warfare upon death, Segment continued to protect them,

Starting point is 01:24:28 bearing them into the afterlife. Segment also was solar deity, because fucking why not? It does do some other things. I feel like, once there's other things you just get left out too, like they had some kind of snack, like some equivalent of like the candy bar.

Starting point is 01:24:42 You know, she's a, of the solar, you know, sun and it's like, okay, and kickats. She's got us of kickats and skittles. Yeah, I love how the role is just overlap. Imagine if these fuckers work for the same company. Like if a company was built, like the Egyptian God kind of set up was built. How confusing would that be?

Starting point is 01:25:02 Hey, hey, hey, John, my emails keep bouncing back. Who do I need to talk to? And I T to get this fixed. Oh, yeah, you're going to want to talk to a rock, Ross ahead of IT or actually, you know what? Oman, Oman's also the head of IT or Patal. Patal's also the head of IT. Sackman, actually, segment, a rye russ, a Cyrus, a newt, sometimes they hear the heads of IT, gebb, a bus tet, uh, wait a minute, actually, you know what, gebb and bus tet ran IT yesterday, but not today, uh, I think today they're in charge of snacks. Uh, okay. Uh, so if I'm going to find raw, what does raw look like? Oh, I can't miss him. Raw is an old king with blue hair, I think,

Starting point is 01:25:40 you know what? Actually yesterday, he was a snake. Uh, when I spoke to him last week, he was a beetle. Uh, you know what? Don't even worry a snake. When I spoke to him last week, he was a beetle. You know what? Don't even worry about finding him. I'll help you with your email. I'm also in charge of IT. Let's talk about Seth, son of Randy Michelle, a little bit also known as Set. His story is very interesting. Set was a god of chaos, evil, war, storms, deserts, foreign lands. He was a real bastard god.

Starting point is 01:26:00 Often depicted as a composite animal, reflecting his unnatural and chaotic nature, particularly known for tricking, killing his brother Osiris in the creation legend. Sometimes depicted as a red-haired beast with a fork and tail and cloven hooves, and even back then, redheads get the shorthand in the stick. But that man, cloven hooves, fork and tail, okay, all right, I see Satan. I try hiding those hieroglyphics. Actually, some religious historians do think that Satan comes from set.

Starting point is 01:26:29 That Satan is based on set. There's a book called The Christ Conspiracy. There's other books similar, but this is the one I use for the source here. In it author Dorothy Murdoch argues that the religion of Christianity was created by repackaging and transforming a variety of ancient gods. And regarding set transforming into Satan in this book,

Starting point is 01:26:46 Murdoch wrote, the dualistic concepts of absolute good and evil did not originate with Christianity, but are found long before the Christian era, particularly within Zoroastrianism. Satan is an adaptation of the Persian representative of evil, Aramon, the twin brother of God, same as the Egyptian set, Horus's twin,

Starting point is 01:27:04 and principal enemy, also known as Sata, same as the Egyptian set, Horus' twin, and principal enemy, also known as Sata, S-A-T-A, from whence comes Satan. Horus struggles with set in the exact manner that Jesus battled Satan, with 40 days in wilderness among other similarities and some stories, such as the revealing from the mount all the kingdoms of earth, the myth represents the triumph of light over dark, or the sun's return to relieve the terror of the night. Horus slash set, God of the two horizons, hence Horus was the rising sun and set the time of the sun set.

Starting point is 01:27:33 So pretty interesting. Now that he could have been kind of OG Satan, so it was never an incredibly popular God for the Egyptians. In fact, most Egyptians loathed set. He did have a temple, some Pharaohs would describe themselves as set in battle. Now let's talk about one more God.

Starting point is 01:27:48 Before we jump into some story time, let's talk about thoth. Thoth, another important God, primary God of the moon, God of wisdom. Often depicted as a man with a head of an Ibus, large bird, holding a scribe's palette and the stylus. Also shown as a full Ibus, sometimes as a baboon, because why not?

Starting point is 01:28:04 Sometimes it's a bird, sometimes he's a baboon. Yeah, pay attention. He's most commonly depicted as a man with the head of an ibis, or as a seated baboon with or without a lunar disc above his head. I feel like his brain was a little weak. The author said to have been the creator of magic, inventor of writing, messenger of the gods, sometimes wears a lunar crescent on his head,

Starting point is 01:28:23 said to own the book of wisdom. He's also the god of equilibrium and balance, playing a role in the way of the heart against the feather of truth, ma'at, or ma'at, after death. You know, he popped up in that story earlier. Worship of Thoth began in Lower Egypt, possibly as far back as 6,000 BCE, and then continued through the Tolemake period, lasting until 30 BCE, the last dynastic era of Egyptian history. And that means that thoughts may have had the longest run of being worshipped of any God ever. You know, six thousand years.

Starting point is 01:28:53 He was a patron God of scribes, said that scribes would pour out one drop of ink in there, and thoughts honor before they began their daily work. That's such a random old reference you know, porn to drink out for a departed friend. A thought's name was often taken by the Pharaoh kings of Egypt like thought Mosah. For example, thought Mosah the first born of thought. Thought lens is named to the mythical book of thought

Starting point is 01:29:18 believed to be a book containing all the knowledge possessed by the gods and it lies at the bottom of the Nile and it's locked in a series of boxes guarded by serpents. And apparently a variety of Pharaohs actually tried to find it over the years, but they couldn't because it's not, you know, it's not fucking real. I just want to look for Sasquatch down at the bottom of the Nile. Now let's take a little break from God's descriptions and to help illustrate the ancient faith further, dive into another old story involving the gods.

Starting point is 01:29:42 The story comes from a book called Ancient Egyptian Legends written by a British archaeologist named Margaret Alice Murray published in 1913. She would go on to teach courses on ancient Egyptian history, religion and language. Actually, she went on to do a lot of shit, a very impressive meat sack. We could do a Margaret Murray suck someday, not sure what era of ancient history

Starting point is 01:30:01 this particular tale comes from, is called Beer of Heliopolis. Now the majesty of raw reigned over the two lands. It was the second god king of Egypt. And in his reign there was peace on earth, and the harvest was so plentiful that to this day men speak of the good things which happened in the time of raw. By his own power he created himself, and he created heaven and earth, gods and men and he ruled over them all. Man, created himself. I put the accomplishments of so-called self-made men to shame.

Starting point is 01:30:33 Not only did I build my own fortune, motherfucker, I built myself. Literally, I built myself up for nothing. I was a speck of dust and I thought, fuck it. Tired of being a speck of dust and I thought, fuck it. Tired of being a speck of dust. Time I become a man. Now even better. Time I become the king of the gods. What were you saying? So back to the story. For hundreds and hundreds of years he ruled until he waxed old and men no longer feared him but laughed and said, look at raw. He is old. His bones areaxilver, his flesh like gold, in his hair, like true lapis, lasla. I think then Ra was angry when he heard their gests, their laughter, and he called to those who were in his train. Someone hither my daughter, the apple of my eye, and someone also the god,

Starting point is 01:31:17 Shoo, and Tefnut, Gibb, and Nut, and the great god, Nune, who's dwelling in his in the waters of the sky. Do my bidding secretly, less men should hear you and see you, for then they would be afraid and hide themselves. I can say I like that he called his crew his train. It's pretty sweet. Would mine reintroducing that little term? Yeah, get the train together, ready to roll. Am I doing this weekend? Give my fucking train together, fool.

Starting point is 01:31:43 Got round up my fucking train. In secret, I went to messengers very softly. They came to summon the gods and goddesses. Secretly and softly came the gods and goddesses to the mansion of raw in the hidden place. Not did men see or hear. And they laughed again at raw, not knowing the punishment that should fall upon them. On each side of the throne came the gods and goddesses and they bowed before the majesty of raw with their foreheads to the ground, saying, Speak that we may hear. Then said raw to noon, The great God, whose dwelling is in the waters of the sky, O eldest of the gods and all ye ancestors to gods, behold the men whom I have created, how they speak against me. Tell me what ye would that I should do to them for barely. I will not

Starting point is 01:32:26 slay them till I have heard your words. Well, noon got that. I thought Rob built himself. How was the other guy more into than him? Let me explain really quick who this noon guys. According to the theology of the Ogedod, aka the Ogedod of her, her myopolis, the universe was formed from the interaction of eight elements instigated by a number of possible gods including thoth, almond, horus, and raw, water, nothingness, or invisibility, darkness, and infinity. Water was represented by noon and non-net, female form of noon. Although the Egyptians had many different creation myths, they pretty much all agreed that the universe came from the primordial waters of noon

Starting point is 01:33:05 And many legends suggested that everything would slip back under these waters at the end of the world There were no priests or temples devoted specifically to noon But he was represented by the sacred lake of each temple and he was frequently referred to in religious inscriptions So in this story the primordial waters of noon is like a personified human-like God. All right, now we'll get back into it. And noon, the great God, whose dwelling is in the waters of the sky, made answer. My son, raw, greatest of gods, my chiefs of kings, thy throne is set fast, and thy fear will be upon all the world, when thou send us out thy daughter, the apple of thine eye against

Starting point is 01:33:42 those who attack thee. The majesty of raw spoke again, low, they will flee to the deserts and the mountains and hide themselves. If fear falls upon their hearts on account of their chests and laughter, and in the deserts and mountains none can find them. Then said the gods and goddesses bowing before him with their foreheads on the ground, send forth thy daughter, the apple of thine eye against them. And at once there came the daughter of raw, secmet, as she called, and hath her, fiercer of the goddesses. See, this is before she was nice. She was like a fucking nice, sweet God, and like, you know,

Starting point is 01:34:14 beauty and having a good time. Like a lion, she rushes on her prey, slaughter is her delight, and her pleasure is in blood. At her father's bidding, she entered the two lands to slay those who rebelled against the majesty of Ra and had turned the rebellion to Justin laughter. In the land of Tomorys, she killed him and on the mountains, which lie to the east and west of the great river. Two in Throes she hastened, slain, all who crossed her path

Starting point is 01:34:37 and before her fled the rebels against Ra. And Ra looked forth upon the earth and cried to his daughter, the apple of his eye, coming peace or hathor, hast thou done which I gave thee to do. And hathor laughed as she answered, and her laugh was the terrible voice of the lioness as she tears her prey by thy life or rock she cried. I will I work my will upon men and my heart rejoices. Again, right?

Starting point is 01:35:00 She's fucking bad at here. You know, she's not a sexy cowlady. You know, it's right, it's fucking bad at here. You know, she's not a sexy cowlity. You know, at this point. Making everything even more confusing. Sometimes, Hathor and Segment are presented as two separate goddesses. Sometimes they're conjoined, possibly into one goddess.

Starting point is 01:35:17 More likely, two sides of the same goddess coin. So Hathor is the gentle cowl side. Segment is a line of aggressive side. So they're kind of referenced individually in the story, but they're kind of god timeline kept kind of weaving in and out of each other. Boy. And another reason some of this is confusing is

Starting point is 01:35:35 because these things aren't fucking written very well. I talked about that in the way it goes suck, concerning American Indian lore. Same goes for all engine lore. These are some of the toughest sucks you. Very fun, but challenging because they're not very good stories. That's just, you know, they're not good. They were good for the time, but like a lot of old movies don't hold up compared to today's

Starting point is 01:35:53 movies, same old stories. Now, if you got ancient Egyptian storytellers to pop into a time machine and come to the day and you didn't let them go to school today, or give them enough time to properly absorb modern life or like, you know, read other books and then he's told me to go write some more of their books, no one's fucking buying them. Because they'd be super shitty, with very confusing characters and weird plotlines. And again, I don't say I'll just take a dump on today's subject. I find this all incredibly interesting.

Starting point is 01:36:16 I say this to let you know that if you're confused, yeah, yeah, you should be. This stuff's inherently confusing. For many nights, the river ran red and the goddess waited in the blood of men and her feet were red as she strode to the land of Egypt as far as Henin Setan. Then Raul looked forth upon the earth again and his heart was filled with pity for men, but they had rebelled against him. But none could stop the ruthless goddess, not even the majesty of Raul himself, or herself must she ceased to slay for neither God's no men could compel her.

Starting point is 01:36:43 By subtlety alone could this be accomplished. Royal gave command, saying, call hitherto me messengers, who are swift as the blast of the stormwind. When they were brought, he said, run to Elephantine. Has hasten, go quickly, bring back me the fruit that causes sleep. Be swift for all this must be accomplished by the day dawn. The messengers hastened, the speed was the speed of a blast of the stormwind. They came to Elephantine with the great river rages amongst the rocks that barred the passage. They took the fruit that caused the sleep. And with the fleetness of the wind, they brought it to raw. Crimson in Scarlet was the fruit, and his juice was the color of man's blood, and the

Starting point is 01:37:16 messenger's carried it to Heliopolis, City of Raw. Then the women of Heliopolis crushed barley and made beer, and in the beer they mixed the juice of the fruit that causes the sleep And the beer became the color of blood 7,000 measures of beer that they make and in haste they brewed it for the night was drawing to a close and the day was about to break And haste came the majesty of raw and all the gods and goddesses who were with him to Heliopolis to inspect the beer Ross said that it was like human blood and he said, very good is this beer by this I can protect mankind. At the dawn of the day he gave command, carry this beer to the place where men and women have

Starting point is 01:37:50 been slain, poured out upon the field before the beauty of the night has passed. So they poured it upon the fields, four palms deep at lay upon the ground and this color was the color of blood. And the morning came the fiercest segment ready to slay. And as she passed by she looked to the side and that's watching for her prey, but no living thing did she see. Only the fields that lay four palms deep in the beard that was the color of blood. Then she laughed with the laugh like a roar of a lioness. While she thought it was the blood she had shed,

Starting point is 01:38:15 and she stopped and drank of it. She was a fucking weirdo. Again and again, she drank and she laughed more for the juice of the fruit that caused her sleep mounted to a brain, made her little cuckoo. No longer could she see, to slay by more for the juice of the fruit that causes sleep mounted to a brain, made her little cuckoo, no longer could she see to slay by reason of the juice of that fruit, then the majesty of Ross had her common piece or sweet one.

Starting point is 01:38:32 And to this day, the maidens of Amhu are called sweet ones. And remember, it's probably not like literally to this day, because if you went over there to Egypt now, and you're like, hey, it's sweet ones, I don't think people think it's cool. And the majesty of Ross, the modesty of raw spoke again to the goddess saying, for thee shall be prepared drinks from the fruits

Starting point is 01:38:48 that cause sleep. Every year shall these be made at the great festival of the new year. And the number of them shall be according to the number of the priestesses who serve me and to this day. But maybe I'm not totally sure. I'm the festival of Hawthorne.

Starting point is 01:39:01 Drinks are made of fruits that cause sleep. So probably not. Probably not a lot of roofy drinks being spread around this festival like in 2020, but you get it. According to the number of places of raw remembrance of the protection of mankind from the fury of the goddess, what the fuck is the story about? Not sure. No one else is either.

Starting point is 01:39:19 Couldn't find a single good interpretation out there. It sounds like a big excuse just to have some kind of fucking festival, right? It's like some kind of ancient Coachella or Marty Gras, something. I just made for a nice little break from our God list. Let's get back to that. Somehow the God seemed less crazy to me now after that story. It seemed to make more sense than they did earlier. Let's talk about some terrifying gods.

Starting point is 01:39:41 Like Sheshmou. Sheshmou was a lesser god of execution, slaughter, blood, and wine. Yes, wine. Why wine? Because he was known to remove the heads of wrongdoers, and then he'd put him in a wine press, and then he would make some kind of fucking head blood wine. Kind of gave me little notes of terror and copper, and then he would serve this head blood wine to the righteous dead, who probably, you know, would have preferred a different drink to welcome them to the afterlife. Maybe nice little glass of, I don't know, just regular old grape wine. Whatever, you know, if I'm just, if I just died, and I'm like, oh man, it's sweet to be

Starting point is 01:40:12 live again in this new place. Can't wait to, you know, grab some, some to drink and some food and somebody hands me some, hey, this is some wine I made some dudes head across, but oh, I got it. Now what I was expecting, you know? It's gonna hope for some different. Another freaky guy, this is the weirdest guy. I think this is the weirdest one, is Bobby. B-A-B-I, the Bull of the Baboons, AKA the Chief of the Baboons.

Starting point is 01:40:34 Bobby has a mighty, mighty dick, which was actually used as the fucking mast on a ferry. They would carry the souls of the dead to the field of reeds, not kidding, hit a mast dick. When your heart was lighter than a feather, this crazy big dick monkey god took you to your heaven home on a sailboat where the sail was fashioned to his baboon boner. That is one unforgettable ride. Why did Bobby have such a big winus? It's not because the Egyptians probably noticed that baboons had high libidos

Starting point is 01:41:05 and they had very kind of visible genitals. Because of that baboon, God Bobby became the God of reality in addition to the God of the dead. And actually, why the dead part? Well, for many years ancient Egyptians thought baboons were deceased ancestors. Seriously, they thought baboons were some kind of weird zombie creature.

Starting point is 01:41:23 They'd see a baboon, probably take a real close look at it, peer into its eyes. Is that Uncle Jerry looking back at me? What a magical and sane reality they created for themselves to live in. Bobby was usually portrayed with an erection due to an association he was given with the judging of souls since he was some type of undead zombie monster. He was sometimes depicted as using his erect penis as again the mast of the ferry, which would convey the righteous to Aru, a series of islands in the field of reeds. So when died, the priests in charge of their mummification and preparation for the afterlife would was turned into a mummy. And when someone was turned into a mummy,

Starting point is 01:41:57 you know, like the priest would throw a little spell in to please Bobby. One spell in an Egyptian funerary text identifies the deceased person's fallace with Bobby, ensuring that the deceased would be able to have sexual intercourse in the afterlife. They had all these rituals for all these gods. So when you died, you know, you're wrapping up your mummy, you're also doing all these little incantations and spells, and they would actually think that if they forgot this one spell to Bobby, then you don't get to fuck in the afterlife. It would suck. You make it to the field of reads, now you're young again, you're home, your wife is young again, it's with you,

Starting point is 01:42:27 nothing but time to fuck. And then you're like, oh my dick doesn't work, cause I got the cheap priest. If my kids went cheap on the priest and they didn't do the right magic baboons spell. Oh, they did the right monkey spot. I know baboons aren't monkeys, by the way. They're primates, but monkeys are funny word to me.

Starting point is 01:42:45 Bobby was also associated with feast on entrails. Dude loved eating guts. Almost as much as he loved having a huge dick. He was super cool. Everyone loved it when Bobby showed up with the party. Hi, you're guts, everybody. Bobby's here. Hope you don't mind seeing a bunch of dick.

Starting point is 01:43:00 Possibly getting knocked to the ground. When he turns around by his big old mass dick, classic Bobby. Bobby also viewed his devouring souls of the unrighteous after they'd been weighed against a mott or mahat He works with Emmett the the gobbler in some tales These two shitty monsters would tag team your souls ass if you didn't live a righteous life in some stories life in some stories. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. We have a deathmatch between the soul of a shitty dad, shitty your husband, and man always a little light with his temple.

Starting point is 01:43:30 Tributes! And now his two heavy heart has to face off against the tag team Underworld Champions, Amit, the Gobler, Lion, Hip-Hop-Hotem, his crocodile thingy, and Bobby, the Big Dick, Baboon, with a heart on you can sail with an endless hand cream for entrails. We'll sell you the whole seat but you'll only need the edge. Bobby and I'm it. Also both said to stand by like a fire in some stories like a fire representing destruction

Starting point is 01:43:58 interesting that the Egyptians also had a like a fire. Is all of hell just like some kind of big example of plagiarism, or does it really exist and has always existed and just been known by different names. Please don't be that. I've told too many scary demonic stories on the scary death podcast. I'm starting to think that it might be that. Finally in some tales, Bobby said to be the first born son of Osiris. Now let's talk about some cannibalism.

Starting point is 01:44:23 Streat continues, three weeks. We've covered a lot of cannibalism over the past two weeks. I was thinking going into this one, maybe the Egyptian gods will take a nice break from meeting people. Nope. Meet Mahas. Couldn't find a pronunciation guide for any of his names. So I'm guessing, M-A-A-H-E-S, little known god, Mahis, the flesh hungry son of the very

Starting point is 01:44:43 famous Abbas Tet and Ra. Mahi's also spelled mihoz, maise's, mihoz, Mahi's, Mahi's. God associated with war and weather, two things Egyptians felt were both extremely chaotic, also associated with the lotus and knives, and devouring captives. What an interesting assortment of things he was responsible for. Why did he eat prisoners? No idea, never said. He was a weird, crazy god of few words. He like flowers, knives, storms, and eaten people.

Starting point is 01:45:14 And he doesn't give two shits, maybe I don't like that. Mahi's the picture is the man with the head of a male lion, sometimes holding a knife and also a bouquet of lotus flowers. We said to fight Ross Arch enemy, this serpent, a pep, during Ross nightly voyage. Let's meet a pep now and then some other monsters. An Egyptian religion mythology, the remonters and mythical creatures in addition to gods.

Starting point is 01:45:35 Now some of the figures just didn't quite rise up to the level of actual deity. Instead, they showed up in stories as either symbols of power or ruthlessness or as figures to be invoked as warnings, to mischievous children like the monsters we learned about in the Slavic folklore of the Bobby Yaga Suck, and the Germanic monsters from the Grimm's Fairy Tale Suck.

Starting point is 01:45:51 Let's meet the Egyptian monsters, and yeah, we'll start with this big ass snake. Considering that Egypt and the Nile in general loaded with snakes, that would of course be a supersized, supernatural son of a bitch and snake in their mythology. And Egypt does have some nasty snakes, like the Egyptian cobra, extremely venomous. You can reach almost nine feet in length, which

Starting point is 01:46:09 is huge for a cobra. The scariest Egyptian snake ever though, a pep. A pep, the arch enemy of Ma'at, opposite of balance. A pep was a giant, stretched 50 feet from head to tail. According to legend, every morning the Egyptian sun got raw, engaged in a heated battle with a pep, coiled just below the horizon, could only shine his light after vanquishing his foe, what's more the subterranean movements of a pep said to cause earthquakes. And his violent encounters with set a KSA Seth son of Randy

Starting point is 01:46:38 and Michelle, Egyptian Satan, God of the desert, spawn terrifying thunderstorms. If he caused earthquakes and tried to eat the sun every day, I just feel like you should've been bigger than 50 feet long, right? I don't know if it's not impressive. But come on, come on. No 50 foot snakes can cause earthquakes. Eat sun.

Starting point is 01:46:56 It disappointed in the pep. Pep was sometimes called the enemy of light. All right. Okay, that's a pretty sweet nickname. I'm back to being impressed. A next mythical Egyptian creature is Benu, bird of fire. Benu is likely the ancient source of the Phoenix myth, at least according to some authorities.

Starting point is 01:47:13 I definitely have a tattoo of this guy, I'm an upper back, had it for the past 20 years. Actually, it's one of my first tattoos and I fucked up. I wanted a Phoenix and I didn't look at the Phoenix, I wanted it and I picked this Egyptian Phoenix andenix, then everybody thought it was a stork. It looks kind of like a stork, but it is a phoenix. I like the symbolism of it rising up from the ashes. Ben who the bird god was a familiar or animal assistant of raw, as well as the animated

Starting point is 01:47:35 spirit that powered creation. In one tale, Ben who glides over the primordial waters of noon, the father of the Egyptian gods, more important for later European history, Ben who associated with the theme of noon, the father of the Egyptian gods, more important for later European history, Bennu associated with the theme of rebirth wound up being immortalized by the Greek historian Herodotus as the Phoenix, which he described in 500 BCE as a giant red and gold bird born anew every day like the sun. Additional details about the mythical Phoenix, such as its periodic destruction by fire, added later after left Egypt. But some speculation that even the word Phoenix is a distant corruption of Bennu. So they do think that the European Phoenix came from Egypt. Now for a very old monster, you've probably heard of, it might be Egyptian, could be even

Starting point is 01:48:17 older than being ancient Egyptian. The Griffin, the ultimate origins of the Griffin shrouded in mystery, the spheresome beast mentioned in both ancient Persian and ancient Egyptian text. The oldest known image of a Griffin appears on an ancient Egyptian cosmetic palette, an ornate flat piece of metal used by ancient Egyptians to grind up makeup on, comes from 3,300 BCE, it's called the four dogs palette, on display the Louvre, in Paris, yet another chimera like Amit, the Griffin has the head, wings, and talons of an eagle,

Starting point is 01:48:48 all of that grafts it onto a lion's body. Since both eagles and lions are hunters, it's clear that the Griffin served as a symbol of war. Also did double duty as the king of all mythological monsters in Egypt. On the premise that evolution applies every bit as much to mythical creatures as it does to people made out of flesh and blood,

Starting point is 01:49:04 the Griffin must be one of the best adapted monsters in the Egyptian pantheon still going strong today. In the public imagination, pretty impressive that the Griffin was captivating meat sacks imagination in the 34th century BCE. Over 5,000 years ago and then still captivating the imaginations today shown up in places like the Harry Potter universe. This next monster was has one of the best nicknames I have ever heard of my life,

Starting point is 01:49:28 the Harbinger of Chaos. How's not a band name that or something? That's right up there with King of the Gods. When you give the office tour, you skip the entire floor that the Harbinger of Chaos works on. No, no, no, don't push that button. We're gonna be skipping the 13th floor in the tour today. 13 floors off limits for everyone

Starting point is 01:49:48 other than Becky Jenkins are very on harbinger of chaos. Becky also has her own parking spot, far from the other spots. If you value your life, as you currently live it, do not go near Becky Jenkins. The harbinger of chaos is a nickname given to the, sir, it's a tricky word, Sir Puppard. Sir Puppard, it's an unusual example of a mythical creature

Starting point is 01:50:12 for which no name has been found in historical records. This is a portmanteu of serpent and leopard. So you combine serpent and leopard, and you get kind of like Sir Puppard. All we know is the depictions of the creature with a body of a leopard in the head of a snake, a dorn, various Egyptian ornaments from which, and when it comes to it, you know, the presumed meaning one classicist guesses as good as another as far as what this thing was.

Starting point is 01:50:33 One theory is that the so peppered represented the chaos and barbarism lurking beyond the borders of Egypt during the pre-dynastic period over 5,000 years ago. But since he's chimeras, also are featured in Mesopotamian art from the same time period, and paired with Nex and Twind, they may have also served as symbols of vitality or masculinity. All right, one last creature.

Starting point is 01:50:54 The one that has to be the most associated with Egypt. Also one of the best known, not real creatures on earth, the Sphinx. You've most likely heard of the Sphinx. You can probably picture it, but do you know what the hell this finks is? This finks is yet another chimera, head of a human, falcon, cat or ram, body of a lion,

Starting point is 01:51:12 typically with the wings of an eagle. Pretty sweet mashup. I like the wings touch. I like the wings. I mean, if you're gonna have some animal parts added on, why would you want wings? Why would you want to fly? And if you're gonna have wings,

Starting point is 01:51:24 eagle wings are a great way to go. Very powerful. Way better than chicken or penguin wings. Penguin wings, that would fucking suck. Imagine you make some like wish with a genie or something, I don't know. It's like your third wish and you just pick wings. You don't get specific enough.

Starting point is 01:51:41 And the genie's an asshole and you end up with penguin wings. It's like, dude, what am I supposed to do? There's pizza shit, penguin wings on my back. The genius is like, I don't know, swim faster. I mean, they're really flippers. They get called wings. I don't want flippers, I want to ask for flippers.

Starting point is 01:51:57 Even worse, I don't know why my brains go in this way. I'm in a weird mood, I guess. What if he asked for chicken wings, but I guess he didn't specify it, but like from like a real live chicken, like the chicken's actual wings. And instead you just got like two chicken wings, like from a restaurant,

Starting point is 01:52:13 covered in barbecue sauce, just two little snacks, sticking out of your shoulder blades. Don't even come close to letting you fly. Don't even come close to making a meal. And you get grease and sauce, all over every fucking shirt you put on, every chair you sit in.

Starting point is 01:52:24 Hey, hey, not in the sofa. Dude, do not say you creepy chicken wing ass on myself. I just had a repulsor. I'll stop now. Sphinxes are not exclusively Egyptian depictions of these human-headed lion-bodied beasts have been discovered as far as field is turkey and grease, but the great sphinx of Giza and Egypt by far the most famous sphinx. Two main differences between Egyptians' sphinx is in the Greek and Turkish variety.

Starting point is 01:52:46 The former invariably have the head of a man and it is described as unaggressive and even tempered while the latter are often female and have an unpleasant disposition, a little shade drawn towards the ladies. Other than that, though, all sphinx has served pretty much the same function, to zealously guard treasure.

Starting point is 01:53:02 Treasure that can be a respiratory of wisdom, not necessarily jewels. And to not allow travelers to pass unless they can solve a clever riddle. That's about it. We don't know what else those big creatures were supposed to do. The great sphinx of geese that one of the world's largest oldest statues,

Starting point is 01:53:17 basic facts about it, still subject to debate. We don't even know for sure when it was built by whom and for what purpose it's a mystery. What is the riddle of the Egyptians thinks nothing the big Egyptians things didn't have a riddle The riddle part comes from Greece and in Greek legend this thinks devours all travelers who cannot answer its riddle And the riddle is what is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning two legs at noon and three in the evening And then the hero in the story, Etappus gives the answer, man, causing this thing to his death. Right? Crawls in the morning,

Starting point is 01:53:51 walks upright, most of its life, and then has a cane as he gets old. Let's end on another myth today. No idea when exactly this one was first told, just like previous myth, the previous myth, only no accounts from ancient Egypt, and then it was first told no earlier than the six century BCE, because that's when the ruler mentioned in the story it was in power. Other characters reference also come from the six century BCE. So sometime, probably slightly after that.

Starting point is 01:54:17 This one could easily be the origin of the Cinderella story. It's known as the girl with the rose red slippers. In the last days of ancient Egypt, not many years before the country was conquered by the Persians, she was ruled by a Pharaoh called a masses. So as to strengthen his country against the threat of invasion by Cyrus of Persia, who was conquering all the known world, he welcomed as many Greeks as wished to trade with or settle in Egypt and gave them a city called Necrotus to be entirely their own. In Necrotus not far from the mouth of the Nile that flows into the sea at Canapas,

Starting point is 01:54:49 they lived a wealthy Greek merchant called Choroxos. His true home was in the island of Lesbos and the famous Poetus Safa was his sister, but he had spent much of his life trading with Egypt and in his old age he settled at Necrototic. One day he was walking in the marketplace. He saw a great crowd gathered around the place where the slaves were sold. Out of curiosity, he pushed his way into their midst, found that everyone was looking at a beautiful girl who had just been set up on the stone rostrum to be sold. She was obviously a Greek with white skin and cheeks like blushing roses. And T'Roxos caught his breath where he had never seen anyone so lovely.

Starting point is 01:55:29 Consequently, when the bidding began, Taroxos determined to buy her and being one of the wealthiest merchants in all of Necrotus, he did so without much difficulty. When he'd bought the girl, he discovered that her name was Rodapus. Rodapus, yeah, I think it's Rodapus. Rodapus, she had been carried away by pirates from her home in the north of Greece when she was a child. They had sold her to a rich man who employed many slaves in the island of Samus, and she had grown up there. One of her fellow slaves being an ugly little man called Asap. It was always kind to her and told her the most entrancing stories and fables about animals and birds and human beings.

Starting point is 01:55:59 But when she was grown up her master wished to make some money out of a beautiful girl and he had sent her to rich necrotus to be sold, to Roxos listened to her tale and pitted her deeply. Indeed very soon he became quite besotted about her. He gave her a lovely house to live in with the garden in the middle of it, and slave girls to attend on her. He heaped her with presence of jewels and beautiful clothes and spoiled her as if she had been his own daughter. One day a strange thing happened as Rodapusus was bathing in the marble-edge pool in her

Starting point is 01:56:26 secret garden. The slave-girls were holding her clothes and guarding her jeweled girdle, and her rose-red slippers of which she was particularly proud, while she lazed in the cool water. For a summer's day, even in the north of Egypt, goes very hot to about noon. Suddenly when all seemed quiet and peaceful and eagle came swooping down out of the clear blue sky, down, straight down as if to attack the little group by the pool. The slavegirls dropped everything they were holding in fled, shrieking to hide amongst the trees and flowers of the garden, and were droppin' rose from the water, and stood

Starting point is 01:56:55 with her back against the marble fountain at one end of it, gazing with wide, startled eyes. But the eagle paid no attention to any of them, instead it swooped right down, and picked up one of her rose red slippers in its talents. Soared up into the air again on great wings and still carrying the slipper, flew away to the south over the valley of the Nile. So glad it didn't have shitty little penguin wings, or even worse, like their barbecue chicken wings. Rodoppus wept at the loss of her rows red slipper, feeling sure that she would never see it again.

Starting point is 01:57:25 And sorry also to have lost anything that Turokso's had given to her. It's all stories fucking weird, right? I would think after all she's been through. Let's see, why would she give a shit about losing slipper? I mean, she was stolen from her parents, raised a slave, sold to be someone else's slave. Now she has slaves taken care of her,

Starting point is 01:57:40 lives in some sweet estate, or wears shit like jewelled girdles, some creepy old man, so you know, all endure, he'll do whatever she wants. Fuck her, she'll be ready jewellered girdle, some creepy old man, so you know, all endure, whatever she wants. Fuck her, she'll be ready. You don't need to worry about shoes anymore. That's your old life. Just be happy that eagle didn't pick her eyes out or something.

Starting point is 01:57:52 Now where does it, this is a love story. Yes, she was bought by this guy, guy who clearly has romantic interest in her, but also sees her as a daughter. Let's go on a story. Different times. Very different times. Back to the story. The eagle seemed to have been sent by the gods, perhaps by Horace himself, who sacred bird he was.

Starting point is 01:58:09 For he flew straight up the Nile to Memphis, then swooped down towards the palace. At that hour, Pharaoh, Amasus sat in the great courtyard, doing justice to his people, and hearing any complaints that they wished to bring. I bet he did. It feels like propaganda. Down over the courtyard, swooped the eagle and dropped the rose red slipper off her dopis onto the ferro's lap. All right, I guess you were just going. The people cried out in surprise when they saw this, and Amasa's too was taken back.

Starting point is 01:58:35 But as he took up the little rose red slipper and admired the delicate workmanship and the tiny of it, he felt that the girl for whose foot it was made must indeed be one of the loveliest in the world. He had a huge foot fetish, he was kind of real boner and he was all excited about it. Indeed, a master's affair was so moved I would happen that he issued a decree. He said, let my messengers go forth through all the cities of the Delta and if need be into upper Egypt, to the very borders of my kingdom. Let them take with them this road red slipper, which the divine bird of Horace has brought to me and let them declare that her from whose foot this slipper came shall

Starting point is 01:59:09 be the bride of the Pharaoh. And the messenger has prostrated themselves, crying, life, hell, strength, be to the Pharaoh. Pharaoh has spoken his command, shall be obeyed. And then later a quietly their life, fucking weirdo, fucking seriously, just whoever fits in that fucking down. So they set forth from Memphis and went by way of Heliopolis and Tannis and Knappis until they came to Necrotic and Batacas and Takarak, Tukarakai, de Kamal, de Mekah. Here they heard of the rich merchant, Caroxas, and how he had brought the beautiful Greek girl into slave markets, and how he was lavishing all his wealth upon hers if she had been a princess put in care by the gods, put in his care by the gods.

Starting point is 01:59:47 So they went into the great house beside the Nile and found Rodoppus in the quiet garden beside the pool. When they showed her the rose red slipper, she cried out in surprise, and it was hers. She held out her foot so that they could see how well it fitted her. And she bade one of the slave girls fetched the pair to it, which she had kept carefully in memory of her strange adventure with the eagle. Then the messenger knew that this was the girl whom Pharaoh had sent him to find,

Starting point is 02:00:07 and they nailed before her and said, the good God, Pharaoh, Amasus, life, hell, strength, be to him. Bids you who come with all speeds to his palace at Memphis. There you should be treated with all honor and given a high palace in his royal house for women, for he believes at Horace, the son of ISIS and Osiris sent the eagle to bring the rose red slipper and cause him to search for you. Such a command could not be disobeyed. Rodoppus paid farewell to Caraxos, who was torn between joy to a good fortune and sorrow

Starting point is 02:00:37 with his loss and set out for Memphis. And then, before arriving in Memphis, Bobby that big dick baboon popped out of the bushes and he screamed, bitch, I'm gonna get you guts out. That's exactly what he did. And he ate a fucking guts. He ripped a heart out and he tossed it to that dirty, hell beast, I'm at the goblet.

Starting point is 02:00:52 Like, nah, nah, nah, fuck the story. And then they cease to exist, the end. So yeah, so that's, no, that's not a story, ended. I thought about, I thought about doing that to you guys, but I'm not gonna do that to you guys. I wish it ended with that much absurdity. No, Redops has a story. I thought about, I thought about doing that to you guys, but I'm not going to do that to you guys. I wish you'd ended with that much absurdity. No, Riddopsie set up from Memphis, made it their safe and sound, and then it ends with,

Starting point is 02:01:11 and when Amasa saw her beauty, he was sure that the gods had sent it to him. He did not merely take her to his royal house for women. He made her queen and the royal lady of Egypt, and they lived happily together for the rest of their lives and died a year before the coming of Congress is the Persian. King, they come to say in his name wrongly, King, the second conquered Egypt in 522 BCE. And his conquest ended Egypt's 26th dynasty, began his 27th dynasty and noticed the Persian period. So what did we learn about Egypt in that story?

Starting point is 02:01:41 I don't know. Sometimes it got favor you, I guess. I just wanted to provide another example of a story from Angelina Egypt, and honestly, that was as good as any of them. I mean, what do we know about redopsis other than she was this life? Nothing. We don't even know if she was treated badly or not.

Starting point is 02:01:57 We don't know if she was an asshole or not. We know she was pretty. She was once a slave. Then she comes a great royal wife, you know, the kind of a queen. I she comes a great royal wife, you know, the kind of a queen. I feel like this story was probably told to poor little girls unhappy with their lot in life. Don't be sad, you could be a queen. You grow up. Someone could swoop in, make everything awesome for you, and you'll never have to work and do anything for yourself

Starting point is 02:02:16 ever. But it won't happen unless you're pretty. So only value your looks. That's all that matters. It'd be pretty. It's not a story we still tell to little girls. I think we do. It's been a pet peeve of mine for a long time having a daughter. I think it's time we throw a lot of these old fairy tales in the trash. Right? Write some news stories for a new world. No more, no more Sunday relatales, tales. Are we going to finally move on for the same tales we've been telling you know, like 25 hundred years ago? I hope so. Anywho, that was our wild look into the ancient gods of Egypt. If you really liked it,

Starting point is 02:02:49 I encourage you to do further exploring on your own. There is so much more you can find. 1,500 to 2,000 different Egyptian gods, massive empire, the lasted for roughly 6,000 years altogether and unified and ununified form. First settlements in the Nile Valley thought to have begun over 7,000 years ago, 7,8,000 years ago. I know that there are so many other places we could have gone in the suck, but we needed, you know, other full sucks to do any of those roads

Starting point is 02:03:14 justice. We could do multiple additional full sucks on various aspects of the ancient Egyptian civilization. How did their political structure work? Who were some of their famous pharaohs? How did they do battle? Who do they do battle with? Even if we don't do more Egyptian sucks, I do feel like we're gonna learn more about Egypt going forward. You know, like a non-Egyptian sucks, like sucks on Alexander the Great. Anytime we go to the arrow and the Egyptian empire was around,

Starting point is 02:03:36 I feel like we're gonna be almost bound to run into them. No matter how much Egypt we do suck, there's always gonna be a lot we don't know. It's still very mysterious, which I think is part of the appeal with Egypt. These stories are weird. These gods are weird. And nobody really knows exactly what went on back then. I mean, we have these old tombs, these hieroglyphics, and the things to the Marzettas stone. They're able to translate these old hieroglyphics off of the walls, but they didn't write the way

Starting point is 02:04:07 we write now. It's obviously not the same kind of narratives. Who knows how much would just lost the time, lost to marauders, destroying old artifacts. There could be some important stories that could have shed light on a lot of this that was never find. It's part of the appeal though. Yeah, so much mystery. All those big pyramids, giant tombs, so many artifacts,

Starting point is 02:04:28 all the mummies. What exactly was going on back then? There are thousands of plays on earth, the bath will even the most learned experts, but nothing else quite like Egypt. Let's take a few looks back at their gods, learn something new in today's top five takeaways. Time suck, top five takeaway. at their gods, learn something new in today's Top 5 takeaways.

Starting point is 02:04:50 Number one, Bobby, the bowl of the baboons, aka the chief of the baboons, Bobby had a mighty mighty phallus used as the mast on a ferry, the carried souls of the Egyptian dead to the field of reeds. That is the weirdest sailboat ever. Number two, with possibly 2,000 ancient gods, we touched on around 1% of them. And in that 1%, we found incest, cannibalism, family murder, and so much more.

Starting point is 02:05:16 No wonder so many of us meets ex are so crazy. The stories we've been telling for thousands of years are so crazy. Number three, the ancient Egyptian empire in various forms remained an empire for 30 centuries. The Roman Republic lasted just 500 years or so. The Mongolian empire lasted around 160 years. The British Empire, largest in the history of the world, lasted as an empire at its height from around 90 years. no like wasn't a true empire for more than 300 years.

Starting point is 02:05:45 The United States hasn't even been around for three centuries. Imagine 30 centuries. Egypt really was something special. One of the earliest also one of the longest lasting civilizations in the history of the world. Number four, Osiris and Nimrod, maybe the one and the same. Didn't expect that connection to be made today. Number five, something new, mummies.

Starting point is 02:06:07 We didn't really talk much about it, but mummification, an important part of Egyptian religion, had to prepare those bodies to travel to the field of reads. Mummification practiced throughout most of early Egyptian history, the earliest mummies from prehistoric times, probably were accidental by chance, dry sand and air since Egypt has almost no measurable rainfall, you know, preserve some bodies buried in shallow pits dug into the sand.

Starting point is 02:06:28 Then, mummification at some point became an intentional act. Using special processes, the Egyptians removed all moisture from the body, leaving only a dried form that would not easily decay. It was important in their religion to preserve the dead body in a life-like manner, as life-like as possible. So successful were they doing that, that today we can view the mummified body of an Egyptian and have a good idea of what he or she looked like 3,000 years ago. After death, the ferros of Egypt usually were mummified and buried in elaborate tombs,

Starting point is 02:06:57 members of the nobility and officials also received the same treatment, occasionally common people. However, the process was a very expensive one beyond the means of most. For religious reasons, animals also mummified the sacred bulls from the early dynasties had their own cemetery at Sacara, baboons, birds, crocodiles. I also had great religious significance,

Starting point is 02:07:16 sometimes mummified, especially in later dynasties. Over 1 million animal mummies have been found in Egypt overall, many of which are cats. And why? This is all done for the humans, keep one's souls intact, remember those nine components? The ancient Egyptians believed that when someone died their soul left their body, the soul would then return and be reunited with the body after being buried. However, the soul needed to be able to find and recognize the body in order to live forever. So needed to look like they looked in life. And all the animals, all the artifacts also buried,

Starting point is 02:07:46 all the animals mummified. Well, that was so one's home could be recreated so they could find their old animal friends, find their old stuff in the Egyptian afterlife. Time suck, tough five take away. And that's all for Egypt today. Had a lot of fun with that one. I hope you liked it.

Starting point is 02:08:06 I hope you did a better job than on the Greek and the North Gods. I hope I learned from those. These ones are, man, they're tricky to put together. I hope you did an okay job. Thanks for the continued ratings and reviews. Thanks for letting us know if the show is on the right or wrong path. Much appreciated. Fresh merch in the store at BadMagicMarch.com.

Starting point is 02:08:22 As always, every week, awesome wandering eyes, tea, much more than teas in the store at BadmagicMarch.com. As always, every week, awesome wandering eyes, tea, much more than teas in the store. If you do want to take a peek over there. And soon I'm going to have a whole new chapter coming to the store this summer, the Is We Dumb chapter, whole new weekly show coming your way. And we're going to have an every Wednesday show, just some comedy, some escapeism, more details

Starting point is 02:08:41 and a trailer coming soon. Yeah, buddy. Thank you again to the TimeSuck team. Thanks to Queen of Bad Magic, Lindsey Cummins, Reverend Dr. Joe, Paisley, BiddleLixer, Logan and Kate Keith at the Spicy Club, running BadMagicMarch.com and the socials. Thanks to the ScriptKeeper, Zach Flannery. Thanks to all those involved in keeping the cult of the Curious, Private Face book group moderated by the Count as the cult Liz Hernandez

Starting point is 02:09:05 and are all seen eyes. Thanks for keeping that page growing and fun. We also have a discord channel. You can link over to from the Time Suck app. The Facebook group over 20,000 cult members now. So that's pretty fucking cool. That's a nice that's a nice that's a nice number. Next week on Time Suck, we're going to take a break from cannibals and gods and investigate the amazing story of a truly international man and his son Bruce and Brandon Lee. It's karate time. Bruce Lee, perhaps one of the greatest martial artists of all time. Definitely one of the most famous, if not the most famous, would be known as the dragon before his untimely death in 1973 at the age of 33, while his son, who would also die young

Starting point is 02:09:42 at only 28, would be known to the world as the Crow, both men would find fame in Hong Kong, China, America, and elsewhere, staking out their legendary status in nearly every nation worldwide. Bruce was known for his personal philosophy and intense work ethic, became China's most popular action film star,

Starting point is 02:09:57 smashing box office records in every movie he'd make. He would also teach Westerners, including Hollywood celebrities, the style of martial arts that he invented with famous clients like Chuck Norris, Kreme Abdul Jibbar, love that connection, Steve McQueen, Brandon's rise to fame was different. As early on, he always seemed to fall under his father's immense shadow. Then in 1994, Brandon had the opportunity to distinguish himself as an acting force in

Starting point is 02:10:19 the Underground comic book movie that became a huge cult classic, The Crow. We go and become a, you know, he could have gone on to become a big deal in Hollywood, but he was tragically killed in a freak accident onset, forcing the cast and crew to both grieve over their friend and colleague and also finish the movie without their lead actor. The Lee family stories, one of unprecedented highs, some of the lowest lows, some believe the family was cursed, others believe both men were executed by members of the Chinese mafia. Is that true? Well, join us next week to find out for yourself who were Bruce and Brandon Lee, Dragon

Starting point is 02:10:52 and the Crow. Let's get to some great messages now today, right now on today's Time Sucker Updates. Our first update is the super cute one. Coming in from Top Shelf sack, kick ass dad, Mr. Christopher, who writes all praise Lord Suck Master, I discovered your show just a month ago. I've been running through them as fast as I can, can't get enough. I'm only on episode 60, and it's just the best thing I've heard. I'm your age, I get almost every joke you make, I'm loving it. My seven year old son is a slender man fan and a fan of all that is creepy.

Starting point is 02:11:28 He enjoyed learning the origins of slender man in that episode. He's at the age where YouTube people and shows like yours or where the cool people are. I'll tell him to give him a little shout out and say something cool like he always seemed to do. He would make him extremely happy to hear his name coming from you on your show. He promises you he will send in a drawing of slender man and his version of Bojangles just as soon as he can. Thank you so much for what you do. Know that you've made a little boy happier than you might imagine. His name is Liam Christopher. Stay bad ass and keep on sucking. Well, hello,

Starting point is 02:11:58 Liam. Boy, does your dad have a lot of explaining and apologizing ahead of him? If he lets you listen to too much time, suck. You're going to want to skip Albert Fish. You want to skip toy box? Oh, you're going to want to skip. Oh, man, there's so many creeps. You're going to want to skip. I think today is okay. I hope he skipped last week.

Starting point is 02:12:17 Ooh, Yacht him. Love that you love the creepy stuff, my man. I did two when I was a kid. I was gobbling up Stephen King novels and Grace called like omit gobbles up hearts in the Egypt. Well stay cool young Liam. Stay gold point point boy. I think that outsider's reference usually works better for you than into it early when I use it today. I always want to stay gold now because I think I think run the jewels anyway Liam. I'm looking forward to those drawings. Can't wait for you to send them in. I'm sure they're going to be amazing. Next up, more art, love art, amazing sucker artist Brian Christensen writes in saying,

Starting point is 02:12:48 it would really make my whole year to make a painting specific to one of the podcasts, historical events for figures. Do you have one in mind you'd like to see? I bow to both angles, infinite wisdom. I'll be most honored for the opportunity to create something that the community gets a laugh out of. Thanks again for giving me something great to listen to while that the community gets a laugh out of. Thanks again for giving me something great to listen to while I was twirling away at my art. And again, during my boring ass day job, your story is an inspiration to me.

Starting point is 02:13:10 I hope to build off that to accomplish my dream of quitting my day job to make art full time. Your podcast has been a huge help. Give me to this gigantic, festering, bought whole over a year, well said. And I hope to spread this stuff to as many honorable meat sacks as I can, your friend and curiosity, Brian Christensen. Brian, I hope you spread this out to as many honorable meat sacks as I can. Your friend and curiosity, Brian, Christianson, Brian, I hope you have my email.

Starting point is 02:13:27 I say your email. Your art is awesome. The rest of you meat sacks can check it out at bjc-art.com. Bjc-art.com. So good man. Would love a Nimrod Osiris mash up. I know it's quite a challenge. But I know you kill it. I would love to commemorate the meeting of our God and the old ancient Egyptian God. I would love to see Nimrod in ancient Egyptian Pharaoh-like form. So stay curious,

Starting point is 02:13:56 keep creating. We'll get through 2020 and hail Nimrod. Zachary Wycoff's wife got Cummins Lawd so hard recently. This kills me from last week's episode. Zachary writes, you got my wife. Hell yeah, hell yeah, suck master deluxe. I'm typing this right now, dying with laughter. My wife and I were just talking to my dad about y'all, y'all him sick fuck and she starts telling him about his arterial sized dick veins and I started losing my mind laughing. She took a second but looked at me and said, cut dammit, he got me. I just wanted to know that for three years of sucking that you, you did it.

Starting point is 02:14:35 This is the first for her and in front of my dad it makes it even better. You rock, timesuck forever, your faithful servant Zach, PS, my last name is Polish, so suck it. Love it. Love it, Zach. forever your Facebook servant Zach PS my last name is Polish the socket love it love it love it Zach hate your Polish you and I both know that makes your real life monster but other than that awesome I love that she thought that y'all him that all of his veins from his legs changed and went to feed his copious amounts of seem and producing dick that same nonsense sent top shelf sack Matt coffee to the floor and freaked out his co-workers This made me laugh so hard Matt writes dear master sucker Lucifer in his crystal butt block Been following your comedy since I first discovered Pandora and when I heard you had a podcast from your drinking bros interview

Starting point is 02:15:17 I was quickly hooked been trying to spread the suck for about a year now I'm usually thank you. I'm usually better at sniffing out when your fun facts turn into bullshit, but this episode got me good. I was listening to your, uh, YahooemCroll episode this Tuesday at work. When I got to your detour on his leg problems, I busted out laughing.

Starting point is 02:15:36 My warehouse coworkers turned to stare at me, and courtesy dictated that I turn off my headphones. Before you said that none of it was true, and explain it to them, all I could gasp out between giggles was something like there's a serial killer, cannibalist rapist, jerked off so much. It changed circulation as lakes, couldn't walk straight,

Starting point is 02:15:55 jerked himself into a permanent limp. That'll get you some weird looks. It didn't help that you followed up with his main vein being the size of a major artery. I was almost rolling in the ground. Also didn't help that apparently I laughed like his main vein being the size of major artery. I was almost rolling on the ground. I also didn't help that apparently I laughed like a cartoon villain, even more weird looks. Then you had to ruin it by saying it was all bullshit. Can you imagine a world where there is a visual indicator of chronic masturbation?

Starting point is 02:16:16 You see some dude limping around with shifty eyes and chugging, and chiklet teeth and think, yeah, that dude chokes a chiklet way too much. But no such luck. Ended up having to let everyone within hearing distance know that I was cackling at something fake. So now I'm a liar as well as a psycho. My pristine reputation as the gentleman of the warehouse is now tarnished. Thank you for that. And thought you'd enjoy this. I was taking a two week anti terrorism course and quate one time when one of the instructors let it slip that he used to be Timothy McVeigh's prison guard. Yeah, you read that right. The classroom's collective reaction was, wait, what?

Starting point is 02:16:49 And you know what he said about McVeigh? Not a fucking thing. It was basically, back when I used to be Timothy McVeigh's prison guard, what? Yeah, back in 99. So anyway, the commentives of homemade explosives are, and that was it. That was all we could get out of him. So your episode and him helped me put to rest what was previously a mystery wrapped in an enigma taco. Thanks for that too. Love what you do. Makes a long hours.

Starting point is 02:17:11 Go buy a lot quicker. You may not remember, but your constant Michael McDonald also helped me laugh my way through a pretty scary surgery, but aren't all that sector me scary. Oh, that's right. Sorry for the short email. Keep on sucking Matt. Love it Matt. Fantastic message.

Starting point is 02:17:24 Wouldn't change a thing, three to five stars. Crazy bout McVase, prison guard. Yeah, you think you'd have some stories there, right? And also thank you for your service. Hail Nimrod. Hail Nimrod, glad things worked out with your balls. And that really did make me laugh, just picture that entire scenario, you just painted.

Starting point is 02:17:41 And now we will end on something sweet, kind and fine sucker, Michael Day O'Donnell as a question for me. He writes, what would Dan do? I'm a long time space. There's a long time fan of the standup. I met you in D.C. during the Fletters tour. I was so nervous. It was a first semi-large venue. I had been to in years. I just started my anti-exhide medication. I'm a self-defined Christian, but not actively part of a church organization. Why I've cheating on you with your pastor tends to discourage that. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:18:07 So I'm divorced and for many years, I should try to be civil to my ex. I was one amicable mother fucker. My dad has tried to put in the Christian perspective of, don't you want her to go to heaven? Yes, but it will be huge and I will be on the other side. Then I heard your album, not sure if I can call it that or stand. Yeah, I'll be fine.

Starting point is 02:18:24 Maybe on the problem and you said you loved your ex and her new husband and suddenly a light bulb went on. Uh, I do still and always will love her. I pledged that before my family and God, just because she and I are different people, doesn't change that we have children and history together. Now we're really close friends and I feel such peace. So I have for the long letter, just wanted to know the good you put out in the world. In the meantime, I will try and resume my Christian path. Maybe first ask what would they do? Uh, sincerely, your loyal spaces are slowly evolving. that are just wanted to know the good you put out in the world. In the meantime, I will try and resume my Christian path,

Starting point is 02:18:45 maybe first ask what would Dan do? Sincerely, your loyal spaces are slowly evolving meets Zach, Michael Dale O'Donnell. Well, thank you, Michael. Sorry, I had a rough experience, real rough one with your ex and your faith. I mean, good for you for being able to put all that behind you. As far as hate goes with your ex, yeah,

Starting point is 02:18:59 I know it can be real, real hard, not to hate them in a situation like that. But I feel like kindness usually wins in those situations, right? Like if you don't have kids together, then maybe you can just go your separate ways. I actually do kind of advocate just saying goodbye, moving on. No need to stay in the life of someone who's hurt you in that kind of way.

Starting point is 02:19:16 But with kids, and you still have to raise them together, not their fault that either parent did anything. I think the best thing you can do is just try to, you know, not throw the other parent under the bus as hard as that maybe in times. And because frankly, and also the kids just don't want to hear it, you know, even if it's deserved. When they get old enough, they're going to have questions. And I think then you can be honest with them, with the answers. I think they deserve some honesty. But they need, I think, to be shielded from as much as the pain of a divorce as possible, you know, angst between you and

Starting point is 02:19:40 your ex definitely gives them pain. So, you know, you do your best to push your pride aside. Best thing to do, not always easy. Remember the best times you had, remember the love that was there once and give some of that love to the little ones. And then in your private moments, if you need to hit a punch and back or have a strong drink, think whatever fucking hateful shit you want to think, then you do that. You let it out of your system. In a healthy way.

Starting point is 02:20:01 I like that my divorce led me to becoming a better person. I think of the positives out of a system in a healthy way. I like the mind of course, led me to becoming a better person. I like to think of the positives out of a negative situation. Better dad, better husband, my wife Lindsay, the pain led me to having a life I appreciate more. Don't take for granted certain things anymore, but I didn't have to allow all of that. It's just like you didn't have to become amicable

Starting point is 02:20:19 and then more than amicable to your ex. You know, either one of us could have given into bitterness, hate. And then if I had done that, I sure as shit wouldn't be sitting in this chair recording the show right now. The good luck to you, brother. I hope you find the God you need again.

Starting point is 02:20:32 And if that God is Jesus, then peace be with you and praise Jesus. And thanks for your messages, everyone in today's time sucker updates. Thank you. And thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did.

Starting point is 02:20:46 Have a great week everyone if you took away one thing from the show. Make sure and keep your heart light. Okay? Gotta keep it light. You don't want some big dick baboon or some other monster eating you into oblivion. And also keep on sucking. So, I mean, it's a boat. Yeah, you know that we have a... Yeah, it's good.

Starting point is 02:21:16 Yeah, take them to the field of the reeds. And the souls and stuff are in the boat? Yeah, the souls are coming the boat. The souls are in the boat. What's the way capacity of one soul, though? It's real light, because they're light, because that's what they got there. Okay. So you can fit a lot. You can fit a lot of souls. I know. I want a couple tons of souls. Couple tons of souls. Okay. And then we have

Starting point is 02:21:29 the baboon. Yeah. The baboons got to take them to the, because they can't just, you know, they can't walk to the field of reeds. There's like some water. So they got to get there fairy-wise. Okay. Even with light souls, you have a couple tons of them. Yep. That dick. Like not, it's got to be, how much blood is in this baboon because that's that place right? I feel to steer around tons. Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, it's got to be a really big dick. The dick has to be bigger than the baboon. Okay, so you think I'm like like a hundred to one ratio Oh, the bab the baboons he's like a aunt and his dick is like a elephant I Ran out of page. I was drawn to any more pages for this. Well, we gotta get it worked out,

Starting point is 02:22:05 because you know, we gotta move on to the chisel next. Okay, I mean, I see how this makes sense, though. Right, right, right. I mean, how else are you gonna get to heaven? You don't. You don't have a big dick back wound? Wait, problem solved!

Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 198 - Egyptian Gods

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