Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 255 - Ancient Aliens and Ancient Sumerians

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Lot to unpack in this one! Today we are blending history, aliens, and conspiracy. We'll be talking about the Ancient Sumerians - quite possibly the world's first civilization. Who were they and what "firsts" did they contribute to human civilization? Why did their culture flourish so long ago? We'll go over one of the oldest, if not the oldest written story in the world - the epic of Gilgamesh. And then, we'll look into how Ancient Sumerians connects to Ancient Aliens/Astronaut Theory. What is this theory based in? Expertise and verified historical research? Or science fiction? We're donating over $14,000 this month to The Wildland Firefighter Foundation. Since 1999, the Foundation has also provided emergency support services to the families of firefighters, seriously injured or killed in the line of duty. Families left behind, many with young children, often find themselves with few resources, and the Foundation steps in to help. Go to https://wffoundation.org/ to learn more. Watch the Suck on YouTube: https://youtu.be/BuAjeehokFAMerch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Discord! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions/problems: [e-mail] (copy and paste) Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna become a Space Lizard? We're over 10,000 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits.

David, and your children's here. Very excited to spread the truth of ancient astronaut theory. David, get out of here. I haven't started the show yet. Oh, okay, yeah, no, that's no problem at all. Today's suck was voted into existence by time sucks mighty Patreon space lizards, which is so fitting,

because a particular translation of the writings of the ancient Sumerians by a man named Zechariah Sichen, then reinterpreted by another man named Zechariah Sitchin, then reinterpreted by another man named David Ike, brought us the very concept of space lizards. Will today show be a space lizard origin story? Kind of. Today's suck will take us way back before the common era to examine the first legitimate civilization on Earth known in Mesopotamia as the Sumerians. To explore the culture of the ancient Sumerians means we'll be celebrating some amazing human history first.

Things we now can't imagine living without, like the wheel, the first written language. The society came up with hundreds of concepts and systems we use today, everything from government taxes, land and sea vehicles to literature, agriculture and beer. Today's tale is an origin story tale, the origin of human civilization. And that origin story will also lead us to the origins of the now popular ancient aliens belief system. Did ancient astronauts give the Samarians and other initial civilizations extra terrestrial assistance? Or are the ancient aliens ideas based on, well, total bullshit? We're going to meet a few prominent people and or

wackadiddles who say among many, many other things that the ancient Samaritan people were given all their ground breaking knowledge of civilization and complex systems by extraterrestrials thousands of years ago. The story goes that aliens came here from a rogue planet called Nibiru. Nibiru that comes into our solar system every 3,600 years. An aliens living on this planet, the Anunnaki, apparently came here and made it with us and enslaved us and mined our gold to bring back to their planet and they did lots of other stuff. But did it actually happen?

I'll share what we've learned. Today's time suck will combine a dig into history's first successful civilization with an investigation into the ancient astronaut theory. History, conspiracy, aliens and more, all in this, so what really happened? Edition of Time Suck. You will miss the time. So happy Monday meet sacks. I'm Dan Cummins, possible space lizard, definite Nimrod disciple, the master sucker and you are listening to time suck. Hail Nimrod, praise Lucifina, good boy, Bojangles and hail triple M. Couple quick announcements and then a lot to unpack today. Symphony of insanity stand up comedy tour starts next week. I'm coming for you, Cleveland.

After a warm up show in Spokane, some shows in Cleveland sold out. Then off to Texas, all those shows sold out, I think now. Then to Portland, Oregon, where some shows already sold out. And then same for Philly the following weekend. Please check Dan Cummins.tv for ticket links Columbus, Columbus, Ohio, uh, Spokane shows on October, Kansas City, Denver, lot coming up. And I appreciate you, uh, getting those tickets in advance. A lot of you who have already done so.

Has not gotten unnoticed, uh, given over $14,000 this month, thanks in large part to our space lizards to the August bad magic productions charity, the wildland firefighter foundation. We'll know the exact amount soon. Since 1999, the foundation has provided emergency support services to the families of firefighters seriously injured or killed in the line of duty and more. Families left behind many with young children often find themselves with few resources. In this foundation, steps up to help, we are so proud to help them. Go to WF Foundation dot org to learn more.

Thank you, firefighters. Fucking Whipple, tie dye and 20 ounce insulated tumbler in the store right now at badmagicmerch.com. I'm tired of hearing about Whipple. Oh, like tie ties. Shut the fuck up. If you're not willing to man up and drink some Coke, I mean Whipple, then you don't deserve a tumbler or a t-shirt. Put on a diaper.

Drink from a binky you fucking baby. Fuck you. Fuck your family. Drink Whipple. Now available in your mom's windpipe and your dad's ding dong flavors. So, uh, there you go. Most aggressive product pitch so far easily. Uh, now let's talk about something not as aggressive.

Uh, the 2021 street team, uh, before I dig into today's tale, the last three rounds have been an absolute blast. But a lot of change share of bad magic productions since last round. So we're changing our street team, uh team to represent all three shows that we're cranking out every week. Time sucks. Carried to death is we dumb. And that means going bigger than before, including a bigger grand prize. We're talking about a $200 merch credit just for slapping some stickers around your neck of the woods. Here's the details at high noon Pacific time. Monday, August 16th, the stickers will go live at Badmagicmerge.com. Stickers are free, but there will only be 500 sticker packs available. First come, first serve.

Once they're gone, that's it. One sticker pack per person. Once you receive your stickers, all you have to do is slap them all over the place, snap a pic of where you stuck them. And then post that picture on Instagram and Facebook using the hashtag, and this is important, Bad Magic Street team. So we can find you. That's it. Stuck them and then post that picture on Instagram and Facebook using the hashtag and this is important bad magic street team So we can find you that's it. You know when we'll be picked at random Monday October 18th We'll be posting reposting your posts on our social media channels

So quick recap Monday August 16th high noon Pacific time free sticker packs badmagicmerch.com only 500 available once you're gone. They're gone. Slap those stickers on all the things snap a pic uploaded to your socials hashtag it bad magic street team before October 18th. And then the random winner will get a $200 merch credit. And the goal is to have fun with this. Please don't do anything, you know just completely wreck something, it's some small business or something. We just want this to use this as a fun way to grow the bad magic community. One is sticker at a time and that's it for announcements. And now it is Enunaki O'clock.

Sorry if I seem scattered in the cold open or announcements at all. I wrote those last in my notes after spending so much time on these notes. Man, I had to get my head around a lot of new info this week. I learned a ton this week and hope I can share it all effectively with you. Much less straightforward story to tell this week than last week. No, no from birth to death or from birth to incarceration timeline. No poop hole loop hole.

You know, either for comedic purposes, which is real bummer, gosh dang, well, maybe a little bit of poop hole loop hole, but not much. A huge topic. When the Patreon Spaceitters voted this topic into becoming a Monday show on the app, I knew I'd have my hands full.

And a challenge accepted, melted my mind for a few days. But again, learned a lot. I'm eager to share with you. So hail Nimrod for that. The ancient Sumerians lasted roughly from 4500 BCE to 1900 BCE. Crazy to think how roughly 4,000 years ago their entire civilization had completed its life cycle. We pretty much impossible to cover 2600 years of a civilization's history in a two to two and a half hour podcast, especially in a way that makes it interesting to people who aren't just necessarily hardcore ancient history nerds or hardcore ancient alien nerds. So not going to try and do that today. Think of today as an introduction to the ancient Samarians. It's kind of a 101 course, taught by a real foul mouth professor who kidnapped the real professor and snuck into their classroom.

Also not going to spend all our time on ancient history because there's just so much fun Wacadoodle and conspiratorial ancient Samarians speculation to also explore. The Samarians get the Wacadoodles real riled up. I'm pretty sure that's why this topic won one of our topic votes. Yeah. David Hentrick, children's again, I would like to remind you that I am one of the world's foremost ancient astronaut proponents.

A lot of my peers want to focus on how I dropped out of the University of Montana before even completing my sophomore year while studying archeology. Go Grins to pursue my own interests. I'm a bit of a rogue archeologist now and there are strong evidence in my findings as it's married. We're one of many ancient civilizations whose progress was shaped and guided by, hey, David, yeah, could you shut the fuck up and just get out of my office, please? We're not talking about that yet. Oh, yeah, no, that's, yeah, sure. No problem. Yeah. Good. Greas. Okay. Gonna, gonna get into ancient aliens lore, you know, towards the end of the

episode, gonna see how valid their theories are or are not. I hope we cooked up a fun recipe this week. Right. We got history, conspiracy. We got some extra terrestrial talk. Why care about the ancient Samarians at all? Well because the written records are the oldest ever uncovered. The ancient Samarians provide us with the best earliest glimpse into the beginnings of humans shifting away from a hunter-gatherer society into a true civilization, which as a real curious person, I find pretty damn exciting. So even if you're not a history nerd, I hope you find this interesting. They were either the first or among the first on earth to live in a socially structured way

similar to how we live today. Fun to look at how we meet Sachs got on to the path of civilization that we're still on. So first off today, I'm going to start off trying to illustrate just how important the existence of civilization is to our modern life. How much human life changed thanks to walled cities, you know, written language, et cetera. Then I'll try to find the concept of civilization as best I can. You know, what shift exactly did the Samarians make? Next I'll briefly lay out why the ancient Samarians stand out as arguably the most important of the world's first civilizations before diving into why the world's earliest great civilization arose

where it did. Like why the fertile crescent of the Middle East, as opposed to Sweden, or Spain, Brazil, here in Idaho, will then go over a rough little timeline of their development, then I'll look into what this civilization was about, what were their lives like, what did they eat, who did they worship, who were some of the most important rulers, etc. And then we'll go over some of their most important inventions slash contributions. And then we will examine some of their ancient writings, such as the Epic of Gilgamesh, regarded as the earliest surviving piece of non-religious literature in the world. You can learn a lot about our ancient culture, by the stories they wrote about themselves,

and then examining that literature will lead us into the Anunnaki aka Space Lizards, which leads us right into that ancient astronaut shit, the fuck yeah bro. Who were the ancient Samarians really? Illuminati, alien human hybrids, Satanic alien reptile people thingies. And then that'll be our show. Again, nice little mix

of history, conspiracy and fun. So let's start off with the historical life before, excuse me, civilization. What an interesting thought, right? I mean, really imagine that. Imagine a world of no laws, no laws that are written down anyways, no law enforcement, no first responders, no, no responders. Imagine a world of no shopping centers, no retail stores at all, no law enforcement, no first responders, no responders. Imagine a world of no shopping centers, no retail stores at all, no tech. Think of how dependent on tech we are. Get rid of it. We have no internet, no podcasts, no computers, no phones, no social media, no gaming systems,

no TV, radio, nothing that requires electricity, no industry, no doctors, no permanent dwellings, no plumbers, no sanitation systems, no industry, no doctors, no permanent dwellings, no plumbers, no sanitation systems, no AC, just a small tribe of other meat sacks that look a lot like you. And not a lot else. And they look a lot like you because most of them are probably at least somewhat closely related to you. You're all wearing furs or wearing nothing. You have some rudimentary stone tools, speak rudimentary language, hunt deer with spears,

fight off bears with spears, clean and fish with stone knives, pick and berries as you can find them, digging up roots as you can find those, living off the land, no medicine, if you get sick, other than whatever herbs, minerals, et cetera, you can find a line on the ground or harvest that might help you a bit with this or that,

but definitely won't do fuck-all for a broken bone or bad infection. You have no way to fix a bad cavity other than ripping your rotten tooth out, brutally cutting it out with that stone knife, hoping no bleated death or dive infection. If all of them are heard of animals as they roam, always on the move, living with the seasons, trying not to freeze to death in the winter, trying not to dehydrate, dive exposure in the heat of the summer, living wild,, live in not much differently than the pray you hunt. This is how we meet Saks lived for hundreds of thousands of years, the overwhelming majority

of our species history. The whole civilization thing, it's still pretty new to us. And we'd still be living like hunter-gatherers if it wasn't for some of our ancestors, figuring out how to build civilizations that allowed for specialization and innovation. Thank God, right? Thank God we're not still living as hunter-gatherers. F**k, that's shit. I love TV shows. I love a good book. Wouldn't even have books without civilization. I love AC, the internet. Hard to thank you to the hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Hunting and gathering is how the ancestors of our species lived to some degree with even more rudimentary tools and weapons for a few million years going back to when our first bipedal ancestors showed up.

Right before the earlier early homo sapiens, hunter gathers, there was a whole bunch of other hunter gathers back when the first primates were like, wait a second, if I can just use these back two legs for walking and these front two legs were grabbing, I can have some hands instead of just feet. Sweet. From what we currently understand, evidence-wise, bipeds first showed up, human bipeds, our ancestors around 4.4 million years ago,

and then we slowly evolved towards what we are now, or have been slowly evolving towards what we are now ever since. For so long, even small human advances took so long to achieve. We got smarter, just little by little. Real, real hard emphasis on little. Not advancing very quickly, because we didn't have a good way for each generation

to effectively build off of the knowledge of the previous generation. No written language makes it very hard to evolve, as you might imagine, the telephone game, not the best way to build out an orderly civilization Right, hey wait. What did grandpa say again about that pyramid concept? He came up with his head He said the big blocks go on the bottom or the top. Hey, hey, what do you see about gravity? Hey wait? What what is gravity? What's a pyramid shape like again? Is it is it a bunch of rectangles or triangles? Hey wait

What's it? What's a triangle? Fuck if we only had written instructions for this or for anything at all. For most of our history, we meet sacks didn't have the time to develop a written language because we were pretty busy, constantly roaming from place to place, trying to keep ourselves fed,

trying not to end up feeding some predator higher than us on the food chain. Back in our hunter gatherer days, we were not the apex predators. And then bingo, bingo! Civilization is born. And things began to advance much more rapidly. And the pace at which things advance

has just kept speeding up ever since. Because we're just getting better and better at sharing knowledge and building off the previous generations before us. The Samarion showed up, a few other similar civilizations showed up right after them, and things started speeding up. While there is more debates and there used to be, the Samarions are still thought to be

the world's first true civilization, probably. That's quickly addressed to debate surrounding that before moving forward. Well, for years, nearly all archaeologists and ancient civilization historians subscribe to a single cradle of civilization theory that human civilization arose from the fertile crescent, a crescent-shaped region in the Middle East, and then spread out to the rest of the world from there by influence, most scholars now seem to believe that the fertile crescent, home to Mesopotamia, is actually one of six sites where human civilization emerged more or less independently, thanks to similar environmental conditions.

Two of the six spots are located in the fertile crescent. One is the Tigris Euphrates Valley, Mesopotamia, home of the Samarins, and then there's the Nile Valley, home of the ancient Egyptians. There's some who believe that the Tigris Euphrates knowledge migrated over to Egypt, others believe the two civilizations emerged, you know, pretty independently initially. There are also the North Indian River Plain, the people there, the North China Plain, the Indian coast of South America, the Mesoamerican Gulf Coast of Central America. Those six sides gave rise to early Chinese, Indian, Olmeck, Egyptian, Samarian, and other

ancient civilizations. And then there's some debate over which of these cradles produced the first major civilization, right? Did it maybe come from the Indus Valley over in India or from China? And then there's some debate over which of these cradles produced the first major civilization, right? Did it maybe come from the Indus Valley over in India or from China? Where people writing shit down and living in cities there slightly before the Samarians started to urbanize. Maybe, but most academics still seem to think Mesotami holds a slight edge when it comes

to taking home the title of the world's oldest human civilization. And it seems that of the first few civilizations, none produced more early documented advancements than the Samarians did. Before we talk about those advancements, what the hell even is a civilization exactly? The word has several definitions. They vary a bit from dictionary to dictionary, source to source. According to Merriam Webster, a civilization is the stage of cultural development at which writing and the keeping of written records

is attained. Okay, wish that definition was a little more robust. According to Google, a civilization is the stage of human social and cultural development and organization that is considered most advanced. Not real precise, most advanced feels too subjective.

According to National Geographic, a civilization is a complex human society that may have certain characteristics of cultural and technological development. Kind of vague. Certain characteristics leaves a lot to be desired for me. According to my normal go to dictionary.com, a civilization is a complex human society that may have certain characteristics of cultural and technological development. Even more vague, it may have certain characteristics.

Let me down dictionary.com. According to ancient astronaut believer, David Hatcher, told us who are making way down the hallway for a little while longer. Civilization is any group of people to whom the enunaki or other ancient and descendant beings of light have bestowed celestial knowledge upon such as early Egyptians who could not have possibly made their perfectly precise stone cuts without extraterrestrial assistance. Actually, I'm not sure if that's exactly how children would define it, but I bet it's

close. And again, we'll hear from him more later. I have no doubt. According to Wikipedia, civilization is a complex society that is characterized by urban development, social stratification, a form of government, and symbolic systems of communication, such as writing. Thank you, Wikipedia. Did not expect you to give what I consider to be the best definition. A civilization has some urban development, some city living. In the ancient world, very often a city describes an urban center of dense population

and a certain pattern of building spreading out from a central religious complex, such as a temple. An ancient city is also generally defined as a large populated urban center of commerce and administration with the system of laws and usually regulated means of sanitation. And the civilization has at least one of these bad boys. Also, someone's in charge, someone's running shit, right? A council of someone's, they don't just make up the rules they go along. Well, actually, sometimes they do, actually, sometimes they kind of still do. But in the civilization, they write shit down. And at least some of the people, the nobles generally, can read that shit and have an idea of what's going on that doesn't 100% depend on keeping a close eye on the chief or the king and just reading what kind of mood that whimsical prick seems

to be in that day. The ancient Samarians had all this and more. How? Why? Why them? Were the people of Mesopotamia just smarter than all of the other ancient peoples? Were they genetically superior? Right?

Because that extraterrestrial assistance, some kind of master race. No. No such thing as a master race, sorry Hitler. According to a Geographer, historian, author, and national fucking treasure, Jared Diamond, gotta love this dude. They mostly just lucked out, not kidding. They were born in the right place,

at the right time, with the right conditions. Over 15 years ago, I read one of Jared's books, the 1997 Pulitzer Prize winning Jim guns, germs and steel. And it remains a top 10 island book for me to this day. Cannot recommend this book strongly enough. A best history book I have ever read, to be fair, I've not read a ton of history books, more of a horror novel guy, but still best I've ever read.

This book attempts to explain why Eurasian and North African civilizations flourished first and then spawned other civilizations that conquered others. This book attempts to explain why Eurasian and North African civilizations flourished first and then spawned other civilizations that conquered others. Why did the British Spanish and French colonize so much of the world and not some group of people from Papua New Guinea or Argentina? When asked by Stefan Lovgren from National Geographic News, why over the past 10,000 years has the development of different societies preceded at such different rates. Jared replied, location, location, location.

All the interesting stuff like technology, writing and empires requires a productive economy that is producing enough food to feed technological experts, bureaucrats, kings, and scribes. Hunter Gatherer societies don't produce enough food, serve pluses to support those extra people. And then when asked, where did the first farming societies appear? Jared said, where do you think you dumb fuck mess of a tamiya? Did you seriously have me in front interview? Not even bothered to read my goddamn book, fuck you, Stefan. Fuck National Geographic.

Y'all can suck my Pulitzer Prize, win and dick! Of course you didn't say that. Now he said, when asked, where did the first farming societies appear? He said, the first farming as we know, as far as we know, there we go. My nonsense, fucking threw myself off of it. A peer to the Middle East region known as the fertile crescent, some 11,500 years ago, and shortly thereafter in China. These places have the greatest variety of wild plants and animals suitable for domestication.

Only a tiny fraction of wild plants and animals were both useful and possible to domesticate. Those few species were concentrated in a few areas of which the two with the greatest variety were the fertile crescent and in China. And the fertile crescent, they had pigs, sheep, goats, and more nearby, oxen, donkeys. They had wheat, barley, and more growing wild nearby.

That was huge. If they didn't happen to live around those plants and animals, if they just happen to live, you know, like instead, if they were just around nothing but like raccoons and deer and onions, farming and ranching was not going to advance in the same way. Very hard to build a civilization if you're using deer to try and plow onion fields, and you're raising raccoons instead of hogs for meat. Early Mesopotamians became the first true farmers in the world, raising crops well over 10,000 years ago.

People whose descendants would soon build massive temples and the world's first known written language, the Samarians. And because they learned to write, they were able to keep records of what they did and we can study those records today. The civilization the Samarians created and the subsequent cultures of Mesopotamia, it led to did arguably more to revolutionize the potential of human flourishing than perhaps any other culture in history. And it all started mostly due to location, location, location, where you live. So important, always has been.

Let's talk about this location. The story of the Samarins is based on the people who settled in the southern lands of Mesopotamia. Now modern day, Iraq, Syria, and Turkey. Well, Mesopotamia includes Turkey. That's not the southern part of Mesopotamia. But it is Turkey, Iraq, and Syria is Mesopotamia. Some people believe that somewhere in Mesopotamia

was the real-life biblical Garden of Eden. Or for those with a more interpretive view of the Garden of Eden, the real place that the symbolic Garden was based on. The name Mesopotamia means land between the rivers and Mesopotamia lay in between the two rivers of the Tigris River and Euphrates. This location crucial to the formation of the ancient Samarians. If these early people had been based in the middle of a mountainous jungle full of vicious predators, their civilization does not happen. They were located between two big fish filled, slow moving rivers, not laying at the bottom of some steep rugged canyons, lay next to flat farmland that was not covered in hard to cut down pine trees. Right? Because that's important too. It was desert-y enough to not be covered by a fuckload of big trees, but not so desert-y,

the crops wouldn't grow. Easier thousands of years ago to build mud and sandstone brick houses than it would have been to build log cabins out of Ponderosis. Those rivers also provided drinking water enough current to provide for irrigation, but not too much current that would make sailing upstream impossible and therefore make trade a lot harder.

And due to all the air had land around them, these rivers attracted a shitload of wild game. Fuck yeah, bro, right? Shooting fish in a barrel. Or more accurately, sparing pigs in a marsh. These rivers provided early people with lots of fish, wild game, water for gardening, all in an area with no hard winters, location, location, location. These sons of bitches had not one awesome river, but two awesome rivers nearby.

The Tigris runs for 1,850 kilometers approximately, roughly 1,150 miles. The Freighties River runs for 2,800 kilometers, or 1,740 miles. Second longest river in Western Asia behind the Nile. Two big rivers running kind of parallel to each other for a great distance and between them lots of flat and historically fertile farmland that flooded nearly every spring. The soft, silty soil, especially when it was first farmed, was rich from millions of years of river deposits thanks to millions of years of spring floods.

The soft, supple soil easy to dig into plow, seed, and harvest. And it was so much of it. The Tigris Euphrates River Basin covers an area of some 35,600 square kilometers, or 13,700 square miles. Two major rivers eventually combined into a single river known as Shot All Arab that flows for about 120 miles through the lowlands of southern Mesopotamia. Large marshy area, especially back when the whole area wasn't quite as arid as it is now. Southern end of Mesopotamia, where some of the Samarines would live in the Mesopotamian Martians, most of them, was once the largest wetland system of all Mesopotamia, full of fish and wildlife, and so much water for irrigation. Before idiotic dictator Saddam Hussein

in his infinite wisdom, diverted much of the flow of both the tigers and Euphrates away from the marshes to punish some insurgents who were part of a shea insurrection. That guy, he actually did that. He didn't give a shit about anyone but himself. Just fucked the environment.

I'm not using those marshes. They're not gonna help me right now, so fuck them. Before the selfish, moronic reign of Captain fuckhead, back in the days of the Samarians, the marshes were lush and full of life. Large river system that feeds them begins in the Armenian Highlands of northeastern Turkey for the Euphrates and in the upper mountains of eastern Turkey in a place called Lake Hazar for the Tigris. Both sites of Armenian execution sadly during the Armenian genocide. Anyway, this river system that begins in Turkey eventually dumps into the Persian Gulf.

Today the river system runs through Iraq, Syria, Turkey, as well as Iran and Kuwait. The high mountains and the upper watershed where the rivers begin receive a great deal more rain and snow than the lower watershed. Annual snow melt from these mountains, brings the spring floods and sustains permanent and seasonal marshes in the lowlands. What a wonderful ecosystem. Mother nature, making things very nice over in Mesopotamia, especially lower Mesopotamia. These rivers brought food, transportation, trade, agricultural, potential, even protection from enemies in the form of natural borders for the Samarians. The river's brought life from the mountains to form an oasis surrounded by a desert and the desert river combo

You know, you know just really help them be protected for a long time very hard to advance a large army across the desert and then have across a big-ass river All right now that we understand how location played a vital role into the fertile crescent being the place where human civilization likely kicked off first. Let's look at a brief timeline of the region. Not going to hit the timeline button because these dates are a little fuzzy. And we won't stay here too long. By roughly 14,000 BCE people in the Mesopotamian region were living in small settlements with circular houses.

Roughly 10,000 years ago, all the dates here, you know, a bit rough. After devoting a thousand or two, you know, years to figure out how to farm, one generation sometimes learning a little bit from the previous ones, villages started popping up across Mesopotamia and sesters of the Samarians, perhaps, perhaps not. They might have came from outside the area. We'll talk about that a little bit later. The people who lived in the region before the Samarians raised animals, grew grains, even as they continued to hunt and gather.

Over time, these villages expanded and their people became increasingly dependent on farming. They were doing a little bit less hunting and gathering, a little more sticking around in one place. They learned how to grow wheat. The main crop of the ancient Mesopotamian farmers was barley, which grew easily and abundantly in the fertile soil. From barley, the people made both bread and beer, which became staples of their diet.

They also ate legumes, including lentils, chickpeas, beans, onions, garlic, leek, melons, eggplants, turnips, lettuce, cucumbers, apples, grapes, plums, figs, pears, dates, pomegranates, apricots, pastachos, and a variety of herbs and spices, all grown and eaten in this valley by the Mesopotamus. They had a lot to choose from. This helped them immensely.

I also drank a lot of beer. Pretty sweet. I mentioned beer helped a lot in regards to making life worth living back then. Wine also available. They also raised sheep, pigs, cattle, ducks, pigeons. They made cheeses, cultured dairy products from milk, fish swam in the rivers and the canals, dug to irrigate crops, you know, to irrigate crop fields and gardens, so many fish. Mesopotamian, kunaiform tablets reveal over 50 varieties of fish that

were a popular addition to the diet, which I think is incredible. Kunaiform, by the way, is a type of character based riding and I do realize stop your emails. It's most often pronounced kuneiform or kuneiform but that's more of a British pronunciation. I'm dumbed down American style from my dumb American tongue. These tablets revealed the Samarians made spicy meat stews, duck and vegetables stews, braised turnips, baked pigeon pies. On the overall food front they were fucking killing it. So much food.

The Samarians ate very well. And an abundance of food fed, of course, a civilization, location, location, location. Can't kill it on the food front. If you live somewhere, it has nothing but hard to catch fish or nothing but like rattlesnakes and walnuts. Very hard to build a civilization in a solid menu. If you only have rattlesnakes and walnuts. Very hard to build a civilization and a solid menu if you only

have rattlesnakes and walnuts to work with. Over 7,000 years ago the Mesopotamian precursors to the Samarians started constructing a series of temples using mud bricks, possibly first at a site called Eridu. Had to worship some gods, had to thank some deities for all that fish and stew. Eridu will become a major Samerian city. It seems to have been founded around 5,400 BCE, almost 75 centuries ago. Eradu's status was legendary in ancient times. Babylonians who came after the Sumerians

actually believed that Eradu was the oldest city on earth created by the gods themselves. One Sumerian tablet reads, after Kinship had descended from heaven, Eradu became the seat of kingship. Oh, I think it was a typo there after kingship had descended from heaven. It became the seat of kingship.

Sometime by 3,900 BCE, possibly as early as 6,500 BCE, the Ubeid people, flourish in Mesopotamia, the first well-known culture from living in southern Mesopotamia there, the Ubeid period of Mesopotamia. And a lot of articles online, the accomplishments of Ubad culture gets lumped in with the accomplishments of the Samarians.

Actually the accomplishments of the Acadians, Babylonians, and Assyrians who will come afterwards also get lumped in. It made things a little tricky. I was during this period that the Ubad's began to build large temples, developed comparatively sophisticated architecture, but no written language yet. No real cities yet. So not quite civilization, but moving in that direction. Then we have the Samarins showing up.

Coming from somewhere into southern Mesopotamia, moving into the area that later became Babylonia and has now southern Iraq, an area stretching from around Baghdad to the Persian Gulf, the area first settled by humans, no later than 4500 BCE. How do we know that? How do we know any of these approximate dates? If we don't know the exact dates, if we don't have written records of a lot of these dates, how do we know these dates? Well, archaeologists use contextual clues and dating techniques, like stratigraphy, stratigraphy. My god, come on Stratigraphy, sorry, this might sound crazy, but I don't say that we're a lot in the daily course of my life.

Sites undergo stratification over time, leaving older layers beneath newer ones, like a layer of cake, or slice a lasagna, a site's lower layers are assumed to be older than those that lie above them. I love lasagna, by the way, especially when it has sausage in it. Like homemade sausage, no bell peppers, yeah, just, just, you know, anyway, archaeologists also lean heavily on radio carbon dating,

a technique developed during the 1940s that relies on chemistry to determine the ages of objects. You've done organic matter. The technique measures the amount of radioactive carbon decay to determine an object's age. It's believed to be accurate within a few decades when used on organic material. And there are many other dating techniques, like thermoluminescence dating, which measures how many years have elapsed since the heating of a material containing a crystalline mineral like ceramics. They definitely don't just wing it, guess, but also they don't always find artifacts that lay out exactly to the day when something was built.

And sometimes it's very hard to determine even the decade or the exact century. Using all these techniques, it seems as if by no later than 3,500 BCE, the Samarins had arrived. And they may have showed up as early as 4,500 BCE. The U-8 people were in lower Mesopotamia again before them. Then the Samarins showed up again from somewhere, interesting detail about the Samarins. No one knows for sure exactly where they came from. Since their language developed independently and didn't relate to any other languages in

the area, the U-Bade people likely taught the Samarins a thing or two. The Samarins may have conquered the U-Bade people, we just don't know for sure. The U-Bade, from what we do know, were notable for strides in the development of civilizations such as farming and raising cattle, weaving textiles, working with carpentry and pottery, and even enjoying beer. But again, they didn't quite build cities. By 3,500 B.C., large-scale city-states began to emerge in Mesopotamia's southern region, aka Sumer, or on the same time that the first plow was invented. People noticed Sumerians were subtly in control of the whole area by 3000 BCE, but they

didn't call themselves Samarins. That term actually comes from 19th century French. They call themselves the black-headed people, and they didn't call their land Sumer. They just called it the land, or the land of the black-headed people. In the biblical book of Genesis, Sumer is known as Shainar. I like the land. That's when you know you're an OG civilization, when you might be the first. When people are like, where are you from? And you're just like, the land. Obviously, I am from where everyone is from

because there is no other place. What a stupid question. Their culture was comprised of a group of city states governed by separate kings, similar to ancient Greece that way. That's another thing about Sumer. There's no evidence that it was ever a cohesive empire. It was a group of independent city states that shared a language and a culture.

There didn't seem to have been an iron throne, no one king to rule them all. Sumerian city states included Eridu, Nipur, Lagash, Keesh, or Kish, Ur, and a place many consider the world's very first true city, Uruk. As peak around 2800 BCE, Uruk had a population between 40,000 and 80,000 people. Living inside, uh, six miles of defensive walls. That's a lot of wall. Clearly they had some enemies. The legendary Samarian king Gilgamesh, according to the chronology presented in the Samaritan king list. He ruled Ulrich in the 27th century BCE. Gilgamesh was in King 2000 years before the ancient Greeks allegedly started the Olympics, to put how old this culture is into perspective.

And I know they started the Olympics. There's just, you know, a little speculation about exactly when. He rained around the same time the pyramids of Giza were being built. He rained 2200 years before the Greeks founded Athens, 2200 years before the birth of Socrates. Long time ago. And so many Samarins were king before him. I thought that Uruk was founded around 4,500 BCE.

Again, 4,500 to the 3,500. 45 centuries before Christ, nearly to Melania before the first Egyptian pyramids were built. And then there was a city of U found that around 3800 BCE, this city according to the Bible, the birthplace of Abraham, who if he didn't know, pretty important dude. The father of all the big three Abrahamic religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, if you've heard of them, and their various derivatives. Ur is thought to have housed somewhere around 30,000 people at its peak. As I said earlier, the Sumerians lived in the city, spoke a non-Semitic language. I think I said that earlier. I spoke their own language. It was not related to Arabic or Hebrew.

And their origins are still unknown largely because of that. Largely because they're probably aliens wake up people. Uh, sorry, that's coming later. Now, but for real, their origins are unknown. The Sumerian language wasn't related to other languages. Hardful linguistic detectives, traces of origin. It's speculated they came from the Zagros Mountains of Northern Iraq, Southern Turkey,

or from Pakistan, possibly from Northern Africa. And it's a mystery. Scholars studied an important early clay tablet called Sumerian King List, or Chronicle of the One Monarch to try and learn more about Sumerian origins. It's an old surviving list of the cities and rulers of the earliest Mesopotamian cultures dating from 2125 BCE. The list details and names and length of the reigns are the great kings of Sumer cities and it includes Sumer's lone female monarch, Kubaba, a woman tavern keeper who took the throne

in the city state of Kish sometime around twenty five hundred bc hailer spina very little is known about kubaba's rain or how she came into power with a list credits her with making firm the foundations of kish and forging a dynasty that will last a thousand or a hundred years over step to be for a second there added another zero uh... this list has not been real helpful in narrowing down where the summaries came from

since uh... you know like so much ancient writing, it's not real big on literal facts. So hopefully these kings were real people, you know, they might not have been, because it's all the things written in this, listed kings definitely is not literally true. Like for example, it states that the first kingship came straight down from heaven, doubt it.

And it says that one important king supposedly lived for, check this out, 43,200 years. So either that happened, or people back then like to tell stories, like to exaggerate, to build legends, to help keep their people under control. Eager to rule over and control people, if they believe that you're a god, or that you come from the gods, you have the blood of gods in your veins.

As we've learned in cult, after cult suck. What would it be like to be 43,200 years old? I've heard this brought up a lot. People believe like an ancient times, oh my God, people live like a thousand years, 2000 years. We're like this shit, 43,200 years. I think that would be terrible.

Cause how it'll work? Let's think about it. Would you get to adulthood just as quickly in this scenario as we do now? Like would you still hit puberty around 12, 13? Still be fully grown by 15 to 20 and then thicken up a bit in your 20s. And then what, the aging process just slows down

like exponentially at that point. Like this, how you looking your 30s and 40s, you'd extend that out by about 40,000 years. Or do you just keep getting older and older and older just like we do now, but you just don't die Right like by 80 your back hurts almost all the time your bones are getting brittle and then you're gonna continue to age for over 43,000 more years by the age of 150 you're literally begging people to please kill you. You're so fucking weak You need help getting around you need somebody to wipe your ass. You still have over 43,000 years to go.

Sounds horrific. You know, you spend the last 43,000 plus years chaining yourself in bed, just covered in bed sores, groaning and grunting, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey cursed or is it a difference? Everything slowed way down, which would sound like a different kind of curse. Like for nice round numbers, for this hypothetical, let's go with the normal life expectancy of 80 and see how that gets stretched out into 43,200 years. 43,200 years divided by 80 is 540 exactly, which means that each year would become 540 years in this scenario. 197,100 days for each regular year of current aging,

which means you will be a helpless baby under a year old for a day less than 540 fucking years. That also means that you'll be a newborn one-day old baby for 540 days. An annoying, can't hold its head on its own, one-day old baby for a near a year and a half. Then an equally annoying two-day old baby for almost another year and a half. Going through puberty, you'd be a walk-and-boner,

ruled by hormones, having your voice crack all the time, dealing with pimples and all that shit for literally thousands of years. It's almost like this living super long shit definitely never happened when thousands of percent never happened. And it's only believed to be literally true by people who just refuse to break you down like this. I just go to some fairy tale place in their head where I guess you just hit whatever your prime is and then you just stay there for like 40,000 plus years and how that work. Cos magic. It's just magic.

Damn, please, let me have magic. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. I'll refocus you now. Gilgamesh is on this old king list. We will examine the Epic of Gilgamesh soon, which has some pretty familiar stories in it. You may recognize, likely the world's oldest piece of written literature

that we have evidence of. It shares some interesting crazy tales about Gilgamesh and his good old buddy, Enkidu. We'll also brief the look at the Inuma Elish, the Samarian Babylonian epic of creation. These are two of the texts most bastardized and insanely misinterpreted by ancient astronaut theorists. After the Samarians, there will be many people

that will dominate the Mesopotamian region from the Acadians to the Babylonians and the Assyrians all the way to the government of Iraq today. The Acadian Empire created the major Acadian speaking nations of Assyrian Babylonia. You know who might have been an Akkadian? Nimrod? Hail Nimrod! The biblical Nimrod, mighty hunter, grandson of Noah, king of Shinar, may have been Akkadian

or Assyrian or Babylonian or Samarian, not kidding or made up maybe. Babylon would fall around five, 39 BCE to a Persian invasion. The Persians would rule from five, 21 to 486 BCE under the reign of Derias I. The Empire of Persia would extend from Macedon to Egypt and Palestine to India. By 499 BCE, the Greeks would rebel against their Persian rulers and the Persian wars would commence. They would continue until 448 BCE with Greece winning and then it goes into ancient Greece. And I think that's enough historical context for the Samarins. They were there a long, long time before the ancient Greeks showed up and the ancient Greeks are pretty fucking old.

So they were old as fuck. So how did these ancient Samarins live? Before the beginning of kingship and summer, the city states were effectively ruled by theocratic priests and religious officials. Later this role was supplanted by kings. While priests continued to exert great influence on Samarian society, for the entirety of human civilization, there has been some dude hanging around going, that's not what God wants.

That's not what God says. It's always been around. The people of Sumer had so many gods, some say a couple of hundreds, some say around a thousand, something they had around 3000 gods. So, you know, it's like a full-time job. Just trying to figure out who you're supposed to pray to. A seven seemed to be the most important and not having a doctorate in Sumerian theology.

I am probably gonna fuck some of these words up. There was On and Leo, Enki, Nierhosaag, Nana, Utu, and Inana. Many major deities in Sumerian mythology were associated with specific celestial bodies. And Nana believed to be the planet Venus. Utu believed to be the sun, Nana the moon. On was the God of the heavens and liel,

the God of wisdom and storm, Enki, the God of water and human culture. Ninersag, the goddess of fertility and the earth. Utu, the God of the sun and justice, and his father Nana, the god of Pupo, Nupo. No, that'd be awesome. The god of the moon. Easy to see how a lot of these gods would later carry over to the Greeks, Romans, and Egyptians. The Samarians believed the first, that first there was the primeval sea that gave rise to United Heaven and Earth.

Between Heaven and Earth came the heir, whose main characteristic was expansion. The heir produced the moon. The moon produced the sun. Once Heaven and Earth had been separated, plants, animals, human life became possible. I will learn a bit more about Samarian theology in the Epic of Gilgamesh. Each Samarian city had a protector god, so you didn't have to memorize them all. You had your city god. It would change over the years. And the king was regarded as that guy's representative on earth, you know, very much like Egypt.

And again, this is all very similar to Egypt, Greece, and Rome. So they had God kings, best kind of king to be. Each of these patron God had a temple erected on a step pyramid called a ziggurat. These temples symbolized the areas wealth and power, better the temple, more important to God king. They employed many craftsmen. These temples symbolized the area's wealth and power better the temple more important the god king They employed many craftsmen. They also controlled large estates when rich Samarians died They were buried with goods to use in the next life like the Egyptians These included weapons jewelry gold vessels musical instruments There's even evidence that slaves were buried with their masters in some cases

Below the kings were nobles and rich merchants who lived in considerable comfort and large houses with many rooms Their houses were two stories high, arranged around a courtyard. The majority of people were poor and lived in simple mud and reedhuts. Sumer men were the majority of priests and scribes below them, craftsmen in the countryside, peasant farmers at the bottom were the slaves who of course at the hardest and dirtiest work. Slavery goes all the way back to the very beginning of human civilization. And it's always not been a lot of fun.

Samaritan women had many rights, but most were not formally educated. They were kept busy on the lower economic rungs, weaving cloth and baskets at home. However, Samaritan women could own property such as land and slaves, even businesses. Women could also be witnesses in court, same as men. Of the women who were taught to read, some became doctors and healers while others were scribes or priestesses. And yes, they did have doctors, that kind of, like all ancient healers. That generally not great.

When treating a sick person, they first diagnosed the cause of the illness, which was always some kind of sin the patient had committed. So that sucks. Your illness was a punishment. What a double whammy, right? Not get any sympathy. When everyone thinks you brought that shit on yourself, you know, some pathogen starts fucking you up and you just get judgment. Well, of course you have a fever, Wayne. You've been jerking off again to thoughts of your neighbor's wife, haven't you? Serves you right. Stop being such a naughty sin boy and

maybe you'll feel better. Yes, the Samarins believed in sin. At least they did, based on writings by around 2500 BCE. What a bummer. Right, life's hard enough without adding, worrying about some sin to your plate. The Samarins believed they had been created to serve their gods,

and they served their gods with sacrificial offerings and supplications. They believed that the gods controlled the past in the future, that the gods had revealed to them the skills that they possessed, including writing, that the gods provided them with all they needed to know. Believing that the gods had given them all that, the Samarians saw the intentions of their gods as good.

And believing that their gods had great powers and controlled the world, they wanted an explanation for hardship and misfortune. Why would their good gods let their kids die? Why would their good gods allow them to suffer with disease? Why would their good gods allow the occasional drought to destroy their crops? And the answer, of course, is that their gods, like damn near all the gods, I've studied from what I can tell, are fucking sociopaths who love to hurt us. That's not what they concluded. They concluded that these gods punished us

because they were displeased with us and they were displeased with us because we committed sin. We made errors that upset them. They believe that when someone displeased their gods, the gods let demons punish the offender with environmental disasters such as a drought or general misfortune or illness, death. Human ego. It's always gotta make shit personal. You don't get sick because it happens to ends. You don't get sick as a bad luck or nature just impersonally doing what nature

do. No, sir. You get sick because God has mad at you. You fucked up sinner. God is very interested in what you're up to because you're a very important person. He keeps a close eye on you. You're not just some dust in the wind. You know, you matter, but there's consequences for mattering. God is watching and he will fuck your shit up if you make a mistake. To cure these six centers, Samaritan doctors primarily required

some form of confession for their sin, an acknowledgement that one had done wrong and an affirmation to do right in the future. And if the patient didn't get better, well, then they weren't being honest about their repentance. Sound like it was easy to be a doctor back then and keep up a solid reputation, right? You just be like, there's no doctor better than me. Every single one of my good patients has, of course, recovered 100% recovery rate for patients who are not immoral pieces of shit. Doctors also gave patients various concoctions of herbs and such.

They didn't just tell them to stop sending. Anticeptics were made from a mixture of alcohol, honey, and mer. They tried to heal broken bones. There's actually some ancient Mesopotamian writing stating, in the treatment of all wounds, there are three critical steps, washing, applying a plaster, and binding the wound. Excuse me, the Mesopotamians recognize that washing a wound with clean water, making sure the doctor's hands also clean, prevented infection and hastened healing. So that's good.

So, you know, they did have an impressive amount of medical knowledge for being that long ago. I mean, sadly, they had more than a lot of dark ages European doctors, who over 5,000 years later, in some cases, were just focused on blood-letting leeches and having a good look at your poop to cure you. Don't think Samaritan doctors were all that advanced so they weren't ancient aliens advanced. Mostly Samaritan doctors did focus on pleasing the gods and trying to ward off demons. And that's how you know you have a good doctor, still true today, when they're mostly focused on demons.

That's why I like my doctor. I go for my annual checkup and he's like, well, you've been fucking out demons? I'm like, no, I haven't, doctor. And he's like, well, then you're probably okay. Let me check with you. He's got some focus, focus magic stuff. I don't feel any demons around you. I think you're good.

The Samarins worried quite a bit about demons in general, actually. Not saying that there's no demons, but they were very focused on demons. They're a lot of gods, they're a lot of demons. Their underworld, most often known as Kerr, was a dark, dreary cavern located deep below the ground. Habitons were believed to continue a shadowy version of life on earth.

Unlike many other afterlives of the ancient world, in the Samaritan underworld, there was no final judgment of the deceased, and the dead were neither punished nor rewarded for their deeds in life. Ha! A person's quality of existence in the underworld so Mary and Heaven was called the Garden of the Gods was determined by his or her conditions of burial. How well the burial rights were followed.

How pleased the gods are with the sacrifice. How fucked up is that? You can be the best person ever and some of your dickhead, you know, kin, jack up your burial and you get fucking shitty life in demon land. Meanwhile, some skeebie pito dogfucker, like serial killer Peter Curtin from a few weeks ago, you know, they get a great funeral and they're doing pretty well. And yeah, after life,

they're hanging around the guard of the gods. So what do these people do when they weren't praying and making sacrifice to their gods and really, really hoping their family didn't fuck out their funeral? Most Samarians were farmers. And farmers, you know, they farm and stuff. Seed, water, harvest, repeat, you get. They sit busy. Maybe they fuck their sheep from time to time, as we've learned, a fair amount of people have done.

When they weren't farming, they worship their gods, making animal and crop sacrifices, hoping, you know, please gods would give them an abundance of crops, hoping, hoping demons didn't show up and ruin everything. Several times a year, they partied down, celebrating their faith in religious festivals. I thought this was cool.

It involved music, fermented drinks, such as date wine, dancing. They actually had legit musicians, played liars, harps, lutes. Later used drums and wind instruments. Musicians in Mesopotamia were well trained. The Samarins had a recognized professional class of musicians who used chords and thirds. They had their very own triple M.

Samarian poets would recite verses about great kingly deeds as these festivals and golden cups filled with that sweet delicious Date wine would be lifted to toast the hosts Samarians knew how to party when they had time they played board games Numerous sources credit thing with inventing the game of checkers actually They told stories when the harvest of their crops they took them to markets and their cities and wheeled wagons Yes, they invented the wheel. I think I said that already, but more than that soon, they took crops to market in boats, floated them up and down the rivers and across their many canals. The cities had thriving marketplaces, shopkeepers, jewelers, other artisans.

They made jewelry at a precious gold and lapis lazily as well as fancy chairs, unglazed vases that kept water cool. They weren't great as sculptures because their artists didn't have much stone to work with, but theyaced vases that kept water cool. They weren't great at sculptures because their artists didn't have much stone to work with, but they were really good at making other stuff. They made beautiful things with materials on hand, such as creating colorful mosaics and intricate and beautiful patterns

using little pieces of painted clay. The Samarins fell in love with each other. Of course, they did. Often had their hearts broken. Marriage was a business arrangement with the family of the bride, the ghost, and with the family of the groom for essentially the sale of their daughter. Sometimes you straight up to sale of their daughter sometimes they would actually have

auctions for women for to be wives. I said yeah little uh a little awkward. The bride was expected to be a virgin also expected to bear her husband's children bringing her back to last week. There was also no JK a bunch of poople loophole and going on. Of course, the history of civilization evolved some old poo-poole loophole. And Saudi Arabia was not looked down on by the Samarins. It was seen as an effective form of contraception. And you know what? You can't argue there.

Very hard to make a butt, baby. A lot of tried. Many have tried. None have pulled it off as far as I know. Also, the poo-poole loophole wasn't just man to woman. Homosexual love could be enjoyed without fear of social stigma and text mentioned men preferring to take the female role in sex. It wasn't a lot of shame around sex for dudes.

As long as they were married to a woman who was having their kids, they could also get their fuck on with some of their dude friends. And you know, some other ladies. Women didn't have the same rights, which is, you know, unfortunate. Not sure how woman to woman sex was viewed. I'm guessing it was okay as long as women were given their husband's kids. Women, of course, pressured to be virgins for their husbands and also not allowed to take on other lovers during marriage.

I think this was less about religion here, more about male ego. My name must live on. Definitely about bloodlines, since they're important in determining who got the heir to the throne Who got to keep the house in the next generation? You know they had to be the the son of the father the first born son that kind of shit School was a part of Samarian life. That was brand new for us meat sacks many of the kids went to school these the boys Sorry, not many girls. Huh lesser parents for rich schools were attached to temples at least initially The rich lived in large homes inside of the walled cities. The poor lived in small homes. Sometimes also inside the walled cities, unless they were off-farm and most cities, you know, in the city

home, excuse me, were clustered around the Zigarat, the city's temple, and each other. They had shared walls for the most part, like townhouses due today. There was very little wood or stone available for use as building materials. So city people built their homes at a sun-dried mud bricks or cut sandstone. Doors led to a small family courtyard and then to the roof. The roofs were flat. When weather permitted, people cooked and slept on their roofs. Sounds pretty nice actually. As the city's grew, rich and poor sections of town developed.

An ancient sewer people were paid for their work. They had their own currency. They had early gold and silver coins. Coins made out of other metals, shekels. They are credited with inventing coinage. If they ran a shop or worked in the fields, they were paid for their goods or labor, both rich and poor owned homes.

Now they had slaves, as I said, when the Sumerians of a one city state conquered another or a non-Sumerian city, they brought back prisoners for them to serve as slaves. Slaves worked for the king, the temple, the wealthy. Women did have some rights. Despite the virginity thing being sold to dudes, sometimes if auctions, the highest better, despite not being able to go to school for the most part, they could go to the marketplace,

buying sell goods, handle legal issues, own property, start their own business. Upper class women, like members of the royal family and those who gave their life to the temple as precesses could learn how to read and write. They got to go to school. Some women even had jobs running parts of the town or jobs in city governments. There were many female goddesses, Hayalus of Fina, some city selected a goddess rather than a god to be their patron deity. And of course, there were a lot of female demons, lots of those too, this is Fina.

Women were not equal to men, but they did have rights. And what were all these people wearing? Scurts mostly, men and women wore big skirts, more like shawls in some ways, made of a fleece-like fabric known as countercase. The length of the skirts varied according to a hierarchical or a hierarchical hierarchical. I fucking hate that word hierarchical status. Servant slaves and soldiers wore skirts while royalty and deedies wore long skirts. That's so funny to me. At the longer your skirt,

the more important your status. Very interesting. You see a dude who skirt doesn't even cover his nuts. You got a steer clear of that deadbeat. Nothing good. He's coming from old skirt nuts. Skirt nuts is having a hard time getting a wife. He's not living in one of the nice homes near the temple. Uh-uh. Skirt nuts is slum in it.

Another side of the world, or another side of the wall, excuse me. King's not real worried about protecting skirt nuts. He's done a high priority. The women were lots of jewelry depending on status. Skirt nuts wife probably had like a wedding ring made out of some candy or some pigeon buns. Now let's learn about how they live their daily lives through their inventions.

One of the main reason many are so fascinating with the Samarins is because of how many crazy contributions they made to the world, many of which I've already referenced. Makes sense to me they made a lot of discoveries. Once you make a few big ones, those lead directly to more. Discovery leads to more discovery, right? I mean, you make a pottery wheel. Now you know how a wheel works. And eventually you apply that to a cart, then you got a wheeled cart going. And now eventually you're going to learn how to apply that to some military piece of machinery. Now you

got to carry it. Now you have a thriving economy with lots of buyers, lots of food to sell and a slow moving river nearby, a superior army protecting your crops. Well, now you can learn how to make a sailboat. Speed up some commerce. There's financial incentive, and you have the time and protection to do it, since you're not hunting or gathering. Okay, quick note here on first inventions, while numerous sources back up all the claims I'm laying out here today for the Samarins, if you do a little digging online, you'll

find that almost each of these contributions may have also come from a different ancient civilization, at least according to some sources. A lot of Turkish sources say that some things not surprisingly come from Turkey first. Did over Russian sources, Indian sources, Chinese sources, et cetera. A lot of people want to think that their ancestors did it first, obviously.

And to be fair to numerous cultures as more and more archeological sites are being unearthed around the world, ancient history does keep being rewritten. And some of these, two numerous cultures as more and more archaeological sites are being unearthed around the world, ancient history does keep being rewritten. And some of these, this happened here first claims, might end up being taken out of the proverbial trophy case. So if you think, hey, wait a minute, I thought I heard about so and so, somebody else invented that.

Yeah, you probably did hear that. Before we go over inventions, this seems like maybe the least intrusive place for today's mid-episode sponsor break. Thanks for listening to our sponsors. Hope you heard something appealing to you. Now back to our overview of Sumerian innovation and inventions. Let's start with that wheel. The Sumerians generally consider it to be the first to invent the wheel. Pretty important innovation. Right up there with the fire, pin up girl theme lingerie, and video games. The oldest wheel axle ever discovered is not actually on a wagon or a cart,

but instead on a potter's wheel in Mesopotamia, around 6,000 years old. Going back to roughly 4,000 BCE. And then the Samaritan's figured out the concept of the wheel to be used in transportation by around 3,500 BCE, which started out as a solid disk of wood with rotating axles inserted in it. By 2000 BCE, it began to be hollowed out to make a lighter wheel. Imagine going from no wheel to wheel. Imagine if your job is to carry heavy shit from point A to point B. And for a few years, you've been carrying everything in read baskets, piggybacking a bunch of mud bricks around or whatever.

And then your neighbor just shows up, going on buying the loaded up wheeled cart being pulled by a donkey. He's carrying 20 times as many bricks as you. That would be such a- Are you fucking kidding me? Like moment. I'll blow your ancient mind. How do you get that? The innovation of the wheel led to major advances in two main areas. The most important was farming as it contributed to the mechanization of agriculture,

which included animal traction and crop irrigation. The wheel also changed warfare. Armored Samarian war chariots being pulled by donkeys now. Big advantage on your no wheel having broke ass if you're just hoafing it in the battle. Armored chariots can carry some intimidation points from their chariots. Samarians use bows and arrows as well as spears, axes and clubs. They used iron and bronze weapons. They started fucking around with bronze around 3,500 BC as well.

They made maces, maces, sickle swords, spear, slings, javelins, clubs, knives, axes, most soldiers used axes, daggers and spears. Armor included copper and bronze helmets, as well as bronze armor and cloaks studded in metal discs. By 2100 BC, bronze scale armor had been developed.

Sumerian soldiers used basic bows before they fell to the Acadians, many of their soldiers used bows. Soldiers wore leather jackets, studded with bronze, which gave them some protection, made them look super fucking cool. Now I'm picturing them wearing white t-shirts, grease back hair, with cigarettes tucked behind their ears.

They didn't look like that, exactly unfortunately. Other wore copper helmets and carried rectangular shields. They had a lot of weapons and armor and chariots, and they followed each other a fair amount before fighting against outsiders in their final years. Even though the Samaritan city states of the region shared a common language and cultural traditions, they are believed

to have engaged in near-concept warfare. The resultant in several different dynasties and kingships. This infighting led to some military advancements beyond the chariot. For example, the Samarins may have invented the Phalanx formation. Phalanx in military science is a tactical formation consisting of a block of heavily armored infantry

standing shoulder to shoulder and files, several ranks deep. Previously, troops just ran a muck into battle, a little more helter sculptor's uh... style the failings was more fully developed thousands years later by the ancient Greeks and then survived in modified form all the way into the gunpowder era uh... the smirons also developed siege warfare right

uh... aim the greg was it low the greg aim the greg fire the greg started off with uh... load load the Gilgamesh. During the latter stages of their history, they were attacked and then conquered by the Lamite, Acadians, and nomadic Guteans. All they're fighting with each other left and vulnerable eventually to being invaded by outside forces that weaken each other a little bit. Elon developed just a few centers behind the Samarins.

If you've never heard of them living east and south of them back to inventions. Samarins also had small sailboats. Their predecessors, the Ubeids had their leases far back as 5500 BCE. Ubeids ships made from bundles, reeds, rope together covered with a thick layer of material for waterproofing. While they didn't invent in the Samarins with the first civilization to utilize these sailboats, they may have sailed as far as way as India according to some sources. For sure, thousands of sailboats carrying goods to and fro around the outskirts of the cities, also into the cities, sailing along the rivers, sailing through many or engaging canals.

They became adapted for use, basically, as canals for travel. Some canals connected between the Euphrates and Tigris rivers. They had their own watery highways with wheeled carts and sailboats. They were engaging in a level of commerce previously unseen. They were also the first to embrace formal education, right? They gave us the first schools, talked about that. I think it was the first dictionaries, libraries, book lists. By the end of their civilization, schools didn't just emanate out of their temples. Knowledgeable scribes opened their own private schools, charged tuition, students studied primarily, the written language, history, and basic mathematics.

The Samarians also invented the aquarium kind of, they pioneered the concept of fish keeping. Ancient Samarians started keeping wild caught fish and ponds before preparing them for meals. Genes, that's a big jump. It's almost kind of like a refrigerator. Right, you get to save it for later. Don't worry about it spoiling. Keep it fresh.

How great if you have a pond full of fish. You know, you gotta go net one whenever you just want to fish for dinners that I hope and you catch it out of the river. A super popular fish dish served in Iraq today. Musgouf, seasoned grilled carp, a dish considered Iraq's national dish, has been served for dinner day after day in the area going back to the Samarins. How cool is that? They've been cooking the same dish the same way for roughly 5,000 years.

These river carpers split lengthwise down the back, washed, spread out into a single flat piece. The fish has opened up into the shape of a large symmetrical circle. They cook based the inside of the fish with the marinade of olive oil, rock salt, teramund, ground turmeric, crushed tomatoes, and coriander. Sometimes added to the marinade, the fish is either then impaled on two sharp iron spikes or placed in a big iron clamshell grill with a handle and a locking snare designed specifically for this dish.

Then it is slow cooked in a fire altar, a big open air area raised by a podium like sandbox. It's either round octagonal or sometimes rectangular in the middle of which there's a large fire. As quick for two to three hours, then laid on hot coals, skin side down, this crisps the skin helps release the flesh from it for serving. Sounds delish. If I ever make it to Baghdad, I wanna have some.

And again, it sounds like those Samarins ate pretty well. Math was a pretty cool first for the Samarins. If you're into math or whatever, I don't know a lot about what good has come from math, but some people like it. JK, of course, easy nerds. When the Samarins civilization began to flourish, people started to trade,

they needed an accurate system to count goods, count money. The Samarins were the first people on Earth that we know of to develop the concept of advanced counting. This is where the base 60 system of counting 60 seconds in a minute, you know, 60 minutes into an hour, 360 degrees into a circle. All that stuff comes from. They'd pioneered that. Starting as early as the fourth millennium BCE, Samarins began using a small clay, a small clay cone to represent one, a clay ball for 10, and a large cone for 60. No more fuck around with this finger count when it came to buying and selling goods.

How sure was done with just winging it when it came to Timon's Barley Wheelins and Deelons. He wanted to know exactly what he was getting. The concept of zero would soon be developed by the Babylonians after the Samarins. People understood the value of having nothing before this, of course, but the concept of numerical zero was not invented until then. This tiny little discovery of mathematics would open up the door to the incredible process that continually unlocks our understanding

of the basic language of the universe today. Think of how math is used in construction, engineering, tech, industrialization, space exploration. Pretty big contribution to kick that off. And there's farming. We went over that one quite a bit. Another big contribution to kick that off. And there's farming. We went over that one quite a bit. Another big contribution. The smears began.

They're farming escapades with very simple tools, basically they began with sticks and stones. But as the Bronze Age began, they soon learned they can manipulate nature in new ways to create more sophisticated farming tools and techniques. Sewing or planting in the seeds originally done simply by digging holes in the ground with sticks Soon the sticks though they were given handles then they were arranged like a V shape

The bottom of the V would scrape into the ground so that a long ditch could be dug the seeds would fall into the ditch This new device was the earliest form of the plow the first evidence for plows in Mesopotamia Only appears at the end of the fourth millennium BCE as pictographs on the clay tablets from Uruk Seed plows with a funnel through which seed was dropped onto the furrow appears at the end of the fourth millennium BCE as pictographs on the clay tablets from Uruk. Seed plows with a funnel through which seed was dropped onto the furrow depicted on seals from at least 2,300 BCE. Most farmers made tools from locally available clay, stone, and timber, although timber became more and more rare as time went on in populations grew. It wasn't long to start with.

They would eventually have to trade with neighbors in present day Syrian Turkey for important lumber products. Workers on palace and temple estates were sometimes issued with copper alloy tools from the third millennium BC and with iron equipment for the early first millennium BC, though they were always subject to close control because metal was expensive. Because the hottest fuck temperatures, river water was essential for crop growth. So this is Marion's Doug the world's first known irrigation canals to bring water to their crops. Irrigation helped keep the soil moist.

And as we mentioned earlier, delivered essential nutrients to the soil. Luckily, the conditions for growing food were so good that Mesopotamians often found themselves with a surplus of it. The canals were once created solely for the purpose of irrigation, soon became, as I referenced earlier, widened and lengthened, and then used for trading surplus goods or goods not grown or created locally for buying those. All this happened thousands of years before the Silk Road that would connect east to west in the second century BC.

By creating these new and larger waterways, the farmers not only became trades people but much the transportation around the city in general was done via boats using the canals. Think Venice, Italy. When it came time to harvest farmers would use a sickle to cut down sheaves or bundles of wheat. The sickle was invented in Mesopotamia. Another huge invention. A sickle's a curved blade attached to a handle.

It can cut down dozens of stocks to grain with one stroke of the arm. Think of the Grim Reaper. Some of the first sickles had blades, been at a flint or polystone. Later in the evolution of sumer, farmers of the grim reaper. Some of the first cycles had blades, we had a flint or polished stone. Later in the evolution of sumer, farmers learned how to mold metals like copper and bronze. That helped make tools more durable and efficient. Without cycles wheat and other crops, we'd have to be cut down or plucked just a few stocks

at a time. This was kind of like their version of the industrial revolution. To carry the freshly cut harvest back to the settlement, Mesopotamians used baskets made out of reeds. Read boats, read baskets, let a read, live in that read life. There's reeds grew abundantly in the marshes of the rivers. They were quick to grow back. They provided excellent material for collecting and carrying goods

amongst many other uses. Back at the settlements, the harvest crop will begin the process of becoming food for the Samarins. Stones used to grind grains into flour, meats into smaller edible pieces. Sometimes grains can be crushed between two stones with easier farming methods, days that were once spent entirely in the field could now be spent learning different skills. Farmers can now spend more time tending to livestock, crafting better tools for preparing their food, creating stronger baskets and cloth, learning how to trade.

Another very important area of contribution, language. The most important thing, arguably the Samarians created, the written word. First discovered from Clay Tablet dating to the mid-4th millennium BCE, Samarian considered the oldest language ever recorded in writing. Egyptian? Also pretty fucking old. But not believed to be quite as old as Samarian. The written version of this Mesopotamian language is the Kuneiform.

Kuneiform is a logo-salabic script used to write several languages of the ancient near east. The script was active in active use from the early Bronze Age until the beginning of the common era. Excuse me, name for the characteristic wedge-shaped impressions from which form it signs. Samarian was an isolated, oh boy, a glutenating language, not a fun word to say there, which means that a statement was formed from a root word by adding prefixes and suffixes. This was to take a second.

The word order of Samarion was generally SOV, subject object verb. When the verb was transitive and SV for an intransitive verb, so Samaritan was an orgative language. I mean, there was a special marker for the object of the transitive verb and that this marker was applied to the subject of an intransitive verb. So what the fuck is that all mean? English is not an orgative language or orgative, excuse me, orgative language, and it also does not distinguish between the use of a noun for a subject and foreign object. However, personal pronouns in English are generally so distinguished. So we say he kissed her and she kissed him, right?

In English, we say he puckered up. But if English were an or an or an or an or an or an or anynastic period at least roughly 2600 BCE to 2400 BC. And then onwards must have sounded similar to the syntax that Yoda uses from Star Wars. How does fuck this desert is? I stuck to my leg Yoda's balls are. That kind of thing. The language is used until the end of the third millennium and then for another 2000 years afterwards as an important cultural language. Kind of how Western nations look at Latin now. Then it disappeared for a couple thousand years, only rediscovered recently by archaeologists in the mid 19th century, and linguistics, or linguistic professors, linguists. This disappearance has given the Sumerian language such an air of mystery, which of course fires up the ancient aliens crowd. If something seems mysterious, someone must be hiding some kind

of truths from us right, Illuminati, and if the truth is hidden, it must contain powerful secrets. That if known would unlock humanity from some kind of slavery that some of us think door in. Totally. If only they would stop hiding shit from us, we could probably all stop working and hang on beaches and drink my ties and nap and fuck a couple times a day. But our shadowy masters will not allow it. Damn you, Anunnaki, Babylonian, Brotherhood Bastards. Once decoded, we learned that these Samaritan texts included the earliest literary works, opinion pieces, poetry, law codes, royal inscriptions, letters, legal documents, and large numbers of administrative economic documents.

Some 100,000 texts of the latter category are available from the 21st century BC alone. Basically, they kept a record of everything going on in their society, which is why we now know about a people who lives along you. And one of the record areas we're not really getting into is government. They did pioneer like a complex system of government. But around 4,000 years ago, after such a prolific period of writing and doing so much, this great civilization and its language died out. So what happened? Cultural destruction and absorption, it seems, and possibly an extended drought that may

have starved many of them. And possibly a lack of easily accessible local iron ore deposits that eventually sent many of their people off as cultures around them got better and better with iron. And then there, you know, people migrated to other stronger cultures with better weapons. There's a lot of theories. The empires that eventually destroyed them or at least picked up where they left off or absorbed them in Mesopotamia.

Most of the Acadians had their own languages. And to the victors had traditionally gone, the choice of what language their civilization gets to speak. So the Acadians may have just been like, we don't wanna fucking use that language anymore. We're gonna speak a Acadian now. And the Acadian tongue would also go on to become a dead language. So how we learned so much about a culture with a dead language that was replaced by another

culture with another dead language. Exceptionaly, talented linguistic scholars. Codebreakers really. Like Spain's Miguel Civil used their big brains to figure shit out for the rest of us who would never take the time to do so. McGwell civil was the world's leading expert in Sumerian until his death in 2019 at the age of 92 working on Sumerian, you know, translations until the very end. He's a hero and a giant in the world of deciphering Sumerian Kuniform.

He's the Michael Jordan of understanding Sumerian. Dude could jump from the freezer along with his tongue out and still pump slam, a little bit of Sumerian. Dude could jump from the freezer along with his tongue out and still pump slam. Little bit of Sumerian. This former scholar at the University of Chicago's Oriental Institute, the world's leading center for the study of ancient near eastern civilizations, was described as understanding Sumerian better than anyone has ever understood this since the actual Sumerians were still alive. Dude was a linguistic da Vinci, so far ahead of anyone else.

When civil arrived at the Oriental Institute in 1963, scholars still struggled with interpreting many basic aspects of the languages grammar, lexicon, and literature. Civil possessed an intuition for Samarine that was almost magical, the young Catalan professor would spend the next four decades revolutionizing our understanding of ancient Samarine life, literature, grammar, and socioeconomics. Chris Woods, director of the Oriental Institute and fellow sumerologist, says, McGuales academic contributions are simply monumental. More than any other scholar, he shaped the modern study of sumerology.

The Oriental Institute is home to more than 6,000 Kuneiform tablets of Samaritan and Acadian origin, the two primary ancient languages of Mesopotamia. And once it said, McGwell forged new territory in the understanding of the language by looking at it in a much more sophisticated way than it had never been done before, drawing on modern linguistics and fundamental truths about how languages are organized. He translated everything from hymns to agricultural text to the earliest known medical text, substantially transforming scholars picture of life in ancient Sumer. He also resurrected large swaths of Sumerian literature, said civil's former student Jean Greg, professor emeritus of the Near Eastern languages and linguistics, former director

of the Oriental Institute, who said he had a rather uncanny ability for recognizing and deciphering the meaning of these texts. Sumerian literary and scholarly texts rely on a complex web of intercultural connections, metaphorical reasoning, and arcane knowledge known only to the scribal elite. And McGwill had this wonderful ability to elucidate these subtle connections and unpack them. I bet that motherfucker even had an ear for pronunciation better than mine, which is probably top 10 in the world. You know what I mean?

And all honesty, it sounds like that dude understood Sumerian better than I understand English. One of civil translations was a 3500 year old drinking song that describes how to brew Sumerian beer. He would actually be able to decipher Sumerian language so well, he would find Sumerian beer recipes and make beer that apparently was pretty decent. But here's that, here's that drinking off. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, maybe that wasn't quite Samarian.

Maybe that was a last call for alcohol from the alcoholics. Fuck yeah, bro. I may have tried to wear that CD out in 1994. I seriously love that album so much. They never got the credit they deserved. It holds up, I think. This is the actual Samarian drinking song, which I think is a lot less catchy than what we just heard. Oh,

That song is a drinking song in the sense that it makes me want to drink enough to somehow think it's not horrible if that's even possible That's a mecholono type of music. I'm surprised she hasn't fucking covered that yet But you know what got upgraded on a curve. They were just figuring out songwriting Well, we're talking about beer archaeologists have found evidence of Mesopotamian beer making dating back to the fourth millennium BCE. Their preferred ale seems to have been a barley based concoction so thick that it had to be shipped through a special kind of filtration straw. Yum. The Samarians may have invented beer making, but it probably went back farther to other Mesopotamian people.

Like, Ube people or somebody else in the Mesopotamian area who just didn't keep written records. The Samaritan's prized their beer for his nutrient-rich ingredients and hailed it as the key to a joyful heart and a contented liver. Joyful heart, that part sounds right. I don't know about the liver part. I don't think they knew how the liver's worked. Another guy who worked a lot on translating ancient Samaritan texts, who was much, much worse at it than Miguel Civil is a Zechariah

Sitchin, key player in building out the ancient astronaut mythology. He turned the historical writings of the epic of Gilgamesh into a controversial very sci-fi and very popular ancient astronauts origin story. Almost nothing he came up with regarding the Samarians has been supported by credible linguistic scholars. He did not work at the Oriental Institute. Dr. Civil intended a Catholic boarding school at the Abbey of Montserrat, where he began teaching himself, Rue Menterie Acadian and Sumerian by studying the Abbey's vast collection of

Kuniform tablets. Then he studied that the prestigious EPHE in Paris, a research university that offers the best Mesopotamian study program in the world. He studied Sumerian there, getting a graduate degree, went on Sumerian Archaeology Diggs. He became a linguistic professor at the University of Chicago, married another linguist scholar, Zechariah Sitchins, education in Sumerian is completely self-taught. Huh. Comparing to two of them, what it comes to Sumerian knowledge is the equivalent of comparing a homeschooler, someone with a MIT doctorate of comparing a homeschooler some with a MIT doctorate Can a homeschooler be smarter than an MIT grad? Yeah, they can are they gonna be as educated? Well, no, they're not

And all likelihood very unlikely more on Sitchin's interest in Samarian translations later Let's first look at a bit more widely accepted at least in academic circles translation of Samarian writings The most famous literary work of the Samarians is the Epic of Gilgamesh, one of the most famous literary works of all time, because it is the first found. The Epic of Gilgamesh, Epic poem from ancient Mesopotamia considered the earliest known, written, non-religious story at least in the world. Again, that we know of. An epic poem, a lengthy narrative work of poetry. These long poems, typically detail extraordinary feats and adventures of characters from a distant past.

The word epic comes from the ancient Greek term, Epos, which means story, word, and poem. We've looked at some epic poems before, here in the Greek God Suck, the Norse God Suck, the Dante's and Fernos Suck. We've touched on it in other episodes. The epic of Gilgamesh originated as a series of Sumerian legends and poems and Kuniforms script dating back to nearly the third or late second

millennium BC, which were later gathered into a longer accadian poem. The most complete version existing today is preserved on 12 damaged clay tablets written by a Babylonian scribe somewhere between 1300 and 1000 BC. Fragments of Sumerian version stating to roughly 2000 BC have also been found. Most complete version discovered in 1849 in the library of the seventh century BCE Assyrian king. Oh boy. Ashirbanapal in Nineveh, capital of the ancient Assyrian empire located in modern day Iraq. It's written in standard Babylonian, a dialectic accordion only used for literary purposes. The original title,

based on the opening words, was he who saw the deep, the title in earlier Sumerian versions was surpassing all other kings. Fragments of other compositions of the Gilgamesh story have been found in other places in Mesopotamia and as far away as Syria and Turkey. The accordion standard edition is the basis of most modern translations, which the older Sumerian versions being used to supplement it and fill in the gaps. Let's break it down and Head's up is not a great story Like if you went to the bookstore and were to choose something gripping and fun to read it with fleshed out characters you related to

This is probably not gonna be the book. I'm trying to spice it up with some commentary It doesn't make a lot of sense in parts But it provides some awesome insight into the world's oldest, or at least one of the oldest cultures. And I did have a lot of fun, at least with the notes, mocking much of it. Okay, in the beginning of the epic, there's a brief description of the creation of life.

We've gone over quite a few creation mythologies here in Time-Zuck. Nice to have a look at what is likely the oldest one ever written down. According to the old texts, originally there was only Namo, the prime evil sea. Then Namu gave birth to On, the sky, and Keith, the earth. On and Keith fuck each other. There's some old sky and dirt fucking, maybe even some old poo-po-loop-ho. Causing Keith

to give birth to Enlil, the god of wind, rain and storm. Enlil separated On from Keen, carried off the earth as his domain while On carried off the sky. The Samarines believed the earth was flat and the sky was a series of usually three domes but sometimes seven. It's tricky to figure out how many domes to cover a flat earth. Each dome was made of precious stones

which signified specific gods. Like a gold dome. You know, like a gold dome up there somewhere. Maybe like a diamond dome. It felt like it'd be easier to mine, like sky, gems than it is to do it from like tunnel mining. Right? You just go up in a hotter balloon, climb up some kind of ladder, you know, just look for just scrape up diamonds or some shit.

The text also detailed the Samaritan ideas of an afterlife which said that humans couldn't go to heaven, the realm of the gods, but instead went to Kerr, also known as Irkawa, which was a dark underworld located deep inside the earth's surface, much like the Hebrew shiel of the Talmud, the place of darkness where the dead go, but very unlike the Christian version of Hell of today, or demons or nationalities and stuff. All souls went to the underworld regardless of how they acted in life, all were treated the same, although by the third dynasty they believed that it would be better, you know, if you were buried with more care, as we went over.

So I thought the whole better hope your family bears you right, you're going to hell concept was the bomber. This is even more of a bomber. Everybody goes to hell. Summarians believe that the underworld inhabitants ate dust and drank liquids given to them via a burial tube at the gravesite by their surviving relatives. The entrance to Kerr was believed to be located in the Zagros mountains, which are in modern day Iran, northern Iraq and Southeast Turkey.

So good ol' hollow earthquake. Still have people looking for those today. The Gilgamesh epics Prelude offers a general introduction to the most famous hero of Mesopotamia, Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, the mighty king of the third dynasty of Uruk, which thrived around 2100 BC. Gilgamesh was recorded to be two thirds God and one third man. Fuck yeah bro. Probably had an extra third of Whipple running through his veins.

He was blessed by the gods with strength, courage, unprecedented beauty. He was given the attributes of the strongest and greatest king who had ever existed. He built magnificent ziggarots, you know, temple towers, surrounded his city with high walls, laid out his orchards and fields. But although Gilgamesh was great in Godlike and body in mind, Reed, prior to Bigelping, he was also a dickhead known to most as a cruel despot for the good portion of his reign. He lorded over his subjects, very arrogant, he raped any woman who struck his fancy, whether she was the wife of one of his warriors With the daughter of a nobleman so bit more than jerk. He was a serial rapist

Which sadly was super common in the ancient world Rape shows up all over the place in ancient text shows up in several places in the Old Testament even King David Seems to have done some raping among a lot of Christian scholars today There was an emerging and common new rapian interpretation of the second book of Samuel chapter 11 verses two through five. Here's the NIV aka new international version translation. One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace from the roof. He saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful and David sent someone to find out about her. The woman was very beautiful and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said she is Boshiba, the daughter of Ilium and the wife of Aureia,

you're Aureia, the the Hittite. Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him and he slept with her. Now she was purifying herself from her monthly uncleneness or uncleanness. Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent words to David, saying, I am pregnant. The rapist kind of glossed over here, but people are focusing now with the rapist up on, he sent messengers to get her, not asking if she'd like to meet him for dinner, or if she's patrolled to anyone, or if she'll maybe speak to him,

maybe they can have, just hang out a little bit, go for a walk. No, he saw some hot lady taking a bath, naked, he's like, I like the way she looks, and he grabs the stugs that go get her, and bring her to me. You know, and lady taking a bath, you know, naked. He's like, I like the way she looks. And he grabs the stugs that go get her and bring her to me. You know, and then she gets pregnant. Sounds like rape. That's what Kings and a lot of other dudes did back in olden times.

They raped and they were often never punished. It was there. It was the right to do so. And so many think the world's going to shit now. No, the world used to be shit. Used to be a lot of rape here. Then it is today. Gilgamesh, when he was not raping, also built a lot of stuff with forced labor,

exhausted subjects, suffered under his oppression. You know, things weren't looking good for everyday Mesopotamian folks when he was in charge. So the gods heard the pleas of the common folk about the raping making his subjects work too much king and they decided to intervene. They created a wild man named Enkidu. It was just as much of a badass in the warrior sense

as Gilgamesh. And Enkidu starts off in the story, living a natural life with wild animals. And he soon starts bothering the shepherds and trappers of the area, because he's jostling with the animals at the watering hole. He sounds like a fucking maniac.

People were worried about this crazy ass, Enkidu. They didn't like some wolf man, some beast master dude hanging around the watering hole. And eventually an animal trapper, you know, freaked out, got freaked out by Enkidu so much that he asked his rapy king to please do something about it. Gilgamesh now sends a temple prostitute, Shamhat, to seduce and tame Enkidu. And after six days and seven nights of a lot of fucking, he's no longer a wild beast who lives with animals. Hey, Lucifina, he's whipped. Lucifina broke his spirit. He'd rather now lay naked in bed with a beautiful woman, doing what Horde naked people do in bed than fight with lions and jackals

in a water and hole. Playing with boobs way better than fighting with jackals. He'll assume learns the ways of civilized men and like all human gods who are raised by animals, he is now shunned by the animals he used to live with. The jackals are all butt-hut or butt-hut. Why don't we butt-hurt? They picked a naked lady over their furlough loopholes. After losing his animal buddies, the temple prostitute, who he's now infatuated with, eventually persuades him to come live in the city.

Around this time Gilgamesh has some strange dreams. His mother, Ninson, explains his dreams are an indication that a mighty friend is coming to join him. Now Gilgamesh and Enkidu are buddies. How did their friendship develop? Who knows, never explained. Not a lot of character development, a relationship building in this story. Things just happened.

According to the text, Enkidu now helps keep the psycho king in check. Maybe he talks about, you know, how back at the water hole, he figured out, fucking around the jackals, that he probably shouldn't rape. That makes jackals mad. Harder to be friends, you know, if you're raping them. And maybe Gilgamesh is like, yeah, but if I don't rape, how am I supposed to have sex with people who don't want to sex with me?

Maybe any end-gidu is stumped then. I don't know. Again, story's not big on details, but the wild man tries to help change the king's ways. And then one day, end-gidu, or end-gidu, fucking, end-gidu, his name doesn't flow off the tongue. Not my tongue. Gilgamesh, I'm like, fucking, pow!

Gilgamesh, got it. NKDU, ah, okay. He overstepped his advisory role, and now the two have to fight. One day when Gilgamesh comes to a wedding party to sleep with a bride and buy sleep, I mean rape. As this is custom, he finds his way blocked by Enkidu, who opposes Gilgamesh's advances in ego.

Fucking Gilgamesh, can't stop with the rapin'. So they get into fight over it, right? This guy tells the God King, hey, don't do that. He's like, no one fucking tells me what to do. They fight after the battle where Gilgamesh defeats Enkidu, he spares his life. And then, after sparing his life, he begins to understand and adhere to what Enkidu said.

He's like, okay, wait a minute, maybe you are right. People don't like to be right. Okay, I'm going to try to be nicer. And I'm going to try to learn the virtues of mercy and humility, along with courage, no ability. Okay. And now both Gilgamesh and Enkidu are transformed for the better, through their new found friendship.

And they learn many lessons from each other. Enkidu learns that, you know, there's no point living around wild animals like Tarzan. And Gilgamesh learns to try and keep his dick out of pooh-poles. They don't want to be loophole. And time, they begin to see each other as brothers and become inseparable. And years later, now they're bored with peaceful life and Uruq, not rape anybody. And Gilgamesh wants to make an everlasting name for himself. So he proposes that they travel to the sacred cedar forest to cut down some great trees and then rape the guardian the demon humbaba

uh... jk he sets up to kill the demon because of who he is i would just picture him being like well can i least rape a demon i mean come on i mean i've been taken easy on women for a couple years you got to let me rape something uh... whom baba is a scary ass demon one translation he described is having the paws of a lion and a body covered in thorny scales. His feet had the claws of a vulture, and on his head were the horns of a wild bull.

His tail and fallace each ended in a snake's head. Oh shit! He got snake for dick! You'll go mess better than you worried about him getting raped. You don't want to get your poo-poole loophole with a snake dick. That sounds extra bad. N can do objects to this plan as the cedar forest is a sacred realm of the gods, and it's not meant for mortals.

But neither N can do nor the council of elders, an uruke can convince Gilgamesh not to go. It's not letting them rape any local women anymore. They're going to have to at least let him go to a sacred forest and try and kill a snake dick demon. They're going to have to meet him halfway. Gilgamesh's mother also complains about the quest. She doesn't want him to go, but he's going. You know, so eventually she's like, okay, fine.

And she asks the son, God, Shahmash, for his support. And she also gives Enkidu some advice and adopts him as her second son for good measure. Weird. Okay, go ahead, son. Try and kill that while he'll snake, Dick Deeman. But if you die, I'm replacing you with your Okay, go ahead, son. Try and kill that wild-hills snake, Dictimin. But if you die, I'm replacing you with your buddy, Enkidu. He's my new son now.

On the way to the Cedar Forest, Gilgamesh has some more bad dreams, and all of a sudden he starts not wanting to go. But then now Enkidu manages to explain away his dreams as good omens and says they should keep going, right? Which is weird, because he was a guy trying to talk him out of going earlier, and now he's trying to talk him in to keep going, right? Which is weird, because he was a guy trying to talk him out of going earlier and now he's trying to talk him in to keep going forward.

Is he trying to be G-Mommy's new favorite son? I don't know. Finally, the two heroes confront Humbaba and another great battle breaks out. Now they're both fighting Snake Dick. How's that happening? I don't know. NKD was really all in on this quest now. Gilgamesh offers the monster his own sisters's wives and concubines in order to distract

the monster into giving away his seven layers of armor. And finally, with the help of the winds sent by the sun god, Shamash, Humbaba is defeated. And I gotta say snake dick sounds gullible, right? He starts off fierce. I'm gonna turn him to a million pieces, Gilgamesh. And then Gilgamesh is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,gamesh is like, well, no, wait, no, hold on, hold on, what if instead of that, hold on, what if, what if you traded me

some of your powerful armor that keeps me from being able to kill you for the opportunity to snake dick my heart of sister. And then the demons like, ah, no, it seems like a trick, but interesting. You promise, you promise I can have one of your sisters. And he's like, yeah, promise. And he's like, okay, then I'll give you a piece of armor. That will ensure I would win this fight if I just kept it on. Knowing that I get to sleep with your sister now,

but you're not trying to trick me, right? And then Gilgamesh has his fingers crossed my back. No, I'm not trying to trick you. After winning the battle, the monster now begs Gilgamesh for his life. And Gilgamesh at first pities the creature. He pities the fool. Despite endgitudes, end-key-dews practical advice to kill the beast. And Boba then curses them both before Gilgamesh finally kills it.

What happens with the curse? I don't know. Just a curse. The vague curse. The two heroes then cut down a huge cedar tree, and end-kidu uses it to make a massive door for the gods, which he floats down the river. And this is apparently symbolic of end-kidu fully committing to the Samaritan gods now. He's fully civilized, or so say some experts,

or maybe when he wins a fight, he just wants to make a fucking door and float it down a river because it's fun for him. Who knows what's going on in this crazy tale? Sometime later, the goddess Ishtar, goddess of love and war, daughter of the sky god Anu, makes sexual advances to Gilgamesh now in his quest, but he rejects her because he didn't like how she treated some of her previous lovers. Weird, a little bit hypocritical for a serial rapist to complain about how she's treating previous dudes, surprising to me. Maybe he wasn't into her because she was too into him. It was too much consent to turn them on. This offends Ishtar, and she now insists that her father send the bowl of heaven to avenge Gilgamesh's rejection,

threatening to raise the dead also if he doesn't comply. Now, who is the bull of heaven? Based on Samaritan imagery and text, he's an abnormally large bull who is more ferocious than average bulls. Kind of a letdown. I feel like after killing Snake Dick, an extra big bull, you know, it's not really going to be that scary. The beast brings with it a great drought and plague of the land. So not just a big bull.

So I'm going to dark wizard bull. Gilgamesh and Enkidu, this time without divine help, they slay this beast and now offer its heart to Shamash. Throwing the bulls hindquarters in the face of the outraged ishtar, just fuck you ishtar, not a real tough wizard bull. The city of Uruk celebrates this great victory, but Enkidu has himself a bad dream which the gods now decide to punish him for the killing of the bull of heaven and whom Baba now he gets cursed. Why do he get cursed? Right? He was just kind of around when you know, through the hindquarters into the face of this outrage god. So Enkydew now then curses the door he made for the gods. And he curses a trapper. He

met once, the told him to go see Gilgamesh. And he curses the prostitute, the Gilgamesh said him, the day he became human. The story goes hard on curses. Curses that are not really explained in terms of what the curses do. Enkydew soon regrets his curses when Shamash speaks from heaven and points out how unfair Enkidu is being. Also weird. What kind of God is this? Hey buddy, stop with the curses. You're being unfair.

He's like, okay. You point out the Gilgamesh will become but a shadow of his former self if Enkidu is to die from some cursing. Nevertheless, the curse takes hold and the day after Enkidu becomes, in day after day, he becomes more and more ill. So I guess, you know, Shemash did curse him as well. It's hard to keep track of all the curses. Enkidu dies and then he describes his descent into the horrific dark underworld, the house of dust, where the dead wear feathers like birds and eat clay. Deal good measure is devastated by Enkidu's death, offers gifts to the gods and the hope that he

might be allowed to walk beside Enkidu in the underworld. He orders the people of Uruk from the lowest farmer to the highest temple priest to mourn Enkidu's death, orders statues of him to be built in a city. Gilgamesh is so full of grief and sorrow over his friend that he refuses to leave Enkidu side, or allow his corpse to be buried until six days and seven nights after his death when maggots begin to fall from his body. He's so upset he doesn't rape anybody for a whole week. He's too sad.

Theilgamesh is now determined to avoid Enkidu's fate and he decides to make the perilous journey to visit you not oh boy. You not push it to him and his wife. That's a very tricky word to say Maybe you can say it's you TNAP ISH T.I.M So maybe if I studied only that word for a week The this guy and his wife are the only humans to survive the great flood who were granted immortality by the gods in the hope and he Visits them wants to visit them in the hope of discovering the secret of everlasting life. He doesn't want to die. Finally, he seems a little bit relatable in this story.

The Ageless Yuna Pushum and his wife now reside in a beautiful country in another world, Dilman, and Gilgamesh travels far to the east and search them, crossing great rivers and oceans as mountain passes and grappling in slain, monstrous mountain lines, bears and other beasts, so much slain if it's not curses or raping it's slain. Eventually comes to the twin peaks of Mount Moshew at the end of the earth from where the sun rises from the other world, the gated which is guarded by two terrible scorpion dudes. Fuck yeah. These monsters, not as cool as snake dick, are at least cooler than Big Bull.

The scorpion people allow Gilgamesh to proceed when he convinces them of his divinity and his desperation. Okay, and he travels for 12 leagues with the dark tunnel where the sun travels every night. The world at the end of the tunnel is a bright wonderland full of trees with leaves of jewels of sweet-ass trees. The first person Gilgamesh meets is in this new land is the wine maker goddess Saduri who initially believes he's a murderer from his disheveled appearance and attempts to dissuade him from his quest. Can't have any murderers loitering around the sun tunnel.

Eventually this God sends him to Urshanabi, the ferryman who must help him cross the sea to the island where you not push them, lives navigating the waters of death of which the slightest touch means instant death. The exact kind of water you do not want to use to fill up say a water park with. Then he meets Urshinabi. Or when he meets Urshinabi, the fairy man appears to be surrounded by a company

of stone giants, which Gilgamesh promptly kills without thinking of finding out if they're peaceful or not. He thinks they're hostile and just immediately kills him. He doesn't wait. And then this is a big fuck up. Gil gilgamesh tells the ferryman history asking for help and then a or should i be explains that he just destroyed the sacred stones those giants were piles of sacred stones and we need them to ferry the boat safely across the waters of death with

uh... gilgamesh you ruined it uh... the only way to do canal crosses of g Gilgamesh, you ruined it. The only way these two can now cross is if Gilgamesh cuts down 120 trees and fashes them into punting poles. So they can cross the waters by using a new pole each time and by using his garment as a sail. These punts are big sticks. Used to push a small boat along in his shallow canal river. So good thing there's a forest nearby from Miguel, those trees. So Gilgamesh cuts out all the trees, uses his skirt as a sail, I guess. Finally, they reached the island of Dillman where the immortal, you, you now push it to

him. See that there is someone else in the boat and ask Gilgamesh, like who he is. Gilgamesh tells him a story, and asks him for help. But you, you not push it to him, remind, reprimands him because he knows that fighting the fate of humans is futile and ruined the joys in life. And Gilgamesh now demands of you. God, I'm just gonna call him you. Gilgamesh now demands of you that he explained to him how the two men are different and you

tell us in the story of how he survived the great flood. You recounts how a great storm and flood was brought into the world by the God in Inleyel who wanted to destroy all of mankind for the noise of confusion they brought to the world. I get it. I have some new neighbors that never ever tell they're very noisy kids who are always playing out in the backyard to ever shut the fuck up. And sometimes I wouldn't mind some God

destroying humanity, if that's what it took to get them to be quiet. And then there's Aya, the God of wisdom, now warns you about this great storm, advising him to build a ship and readiness and load it onto it as treasures. His family and the seeds of all living things. The rains come as promised, right? That's the big flood story. And the whole world is covered with water, killing everything except for you and his boat and his wife and the seeds of all living things in it. The boat comes to rest on the tip of a mountain of Naseerar where they wait for the waters to subside, releasing first a dove, then a swallow,

then a raven to check for dry land, then you make sacrifices and libations to the gods. And although in leal is angry that someone had survived his great flood, aya advises him to make peace. And I wonder what animals he sacrificed. Probably some unicorns and dragons. That's why we don't have it anymore. And Leal now blesses you and his wife and grants them everlasting life. Fuck yeah bro, immortality. And he takes them to live in the land of the gods

on the island of Dilman. Those are great day for them. That's a solid day when you get to be immortal. Now, despite his initial reservations about why the gods should give Gilgamesh the same honor that he got, the hero of the flood, you does reluctantly decide to offer Gilgamesh a chance of immortality. He challenges Gilgamesh to stay awake for six days and seven nights to earn it, but Gilgamesh falls asleep before he's even done talking. Fucking Gilgamesh!

When he wakes up after a seven-day nap, this U ridicules his failure, sent him back to Uruk, along with his fairan uh... urshanabi who's now in exile as they leave uh... or while they're leaving though uh... you know uh... push it to his wife asks her husband to have mercy on gilgamesh for his long journey and tells gilgamesh of a plant

the grows at the very bottom of the ocean that will make him young again some immortality plant he's been given another, the story is so fucking weird and random. Gilgamesh now obtains the plant by binding stones to his feet, as one does to allow him to walk in the bottom of the ocean. He plans to use the flower to rejuvenate the old men of his city of Uruk and then also use it on himself. Unfortunately, he's careless. And he sets the plant on the shore of a lake while he takes a bath, and then while he's

taking a bath Fucking snake comes along and takes the plant eats it and Then loses his old skin and thus is reborn. That's why snake shed their skin now. How fucking dumb is Gilgamesh? Guys one of the dumbest heroes ever has been given the plant-up immortality after fucking up another chance To become a morlip if you can just stay awake And then he's leaves along the shore while he's taking a bath instead of, you know, never letting him go until he gets home. And Gilgamesh learns an important lesson here. He says, life, which you look for, you will never find.

For when the gods created man, they let death be his share, and life was held in their own hands. Okay? So, you know, I see the message, you know, you've got to appreciate life, because it doesn't last very long. Gilgamesh weeps that having failed at both opportunities to obtain immortality and he returned to the massive walls of his own city of Euruch, a wreck of a God king. And then years later he dies.

And the people of Euruch mourn his passing, knowing they will never see a king as good as him ever again, kind of a bummer that he was their best king. He's a rapie moron who couldn't properly guard a plant or stay awake long enough to become immortal. rapier moron who couldn't properly guard a plant or stay awake long enough to become a mortal. Also, how similar to the biblical story of Noah's Ark and the flood was that story? Who incidents? Many religious scholars do not think so. A lot of religious scholars think that both the Samarians and the ancient Hebrews, there was the same source they were both influenced by. Some hidden sources have never been uncovered in archaeological digs. Others think that the epic of Gilgamesh definitely influenced parts of the Old Testament,

including the flood story, because it was written roughly a thousand years before the Old Testament, and archaeological digs have found fragments of the epic of Gilgamesh all around ancient Israel. It was clearly in wide circulation when the old testament was written. I mean, obviously it's such a good story. Many scholars believe the Epic of Gilgamesh was a substantial influence on Homer's The Odyssey as well. And there's more to this awesome story,

but don't worry, not very much more. Thank God. The 12th and final tablet of the Epic of Gilgamesh is apparently unconnected with the previous ones, like a sequel written after the first 11. Tells an alternative legend from earlier in the story when NKD was still alive, right? You can't not have a sequel. When the first story is such a fucking obvious banger. In the new tale, Gilgamesh complains to NKDU that he has lost some objects given to him by the goddess Ishtar. He dropped

them fucking around the underworld, went underworld. Of course, he dropped them, classic Gilgamesh. NKDU offers to bring them back for him and the classic Gilgamesh. NKDU offers to bring them back for him and the delighted Gilgamesh tells NKD what he must do and what he must not do in the underworld in order to be sure of coming back. And then NKDU sets off and then he forgets everything that was told to him. He forgets all the important advice.

And the result is he is trapped in the underworld because he's also an idiot. This epic was written about two complete fucking morons. They're good at killing demons and bulls and nothing else. Gilgamesh praised the gods to return his friend. And although andlil and suin do not even bother to reply, aya and shammosh decide to help, shammosh cracks a hole in the earth and can you jumps out of it whether it's a ghost or is a regular dude is not really make clear. And then Gilgamesh asks and can do some questions about what he saw and the underworld and you know, that's that's it

so okay So in some ways I guess look at the story not a lot has changed with humanity over the last four to five thousand years We still really really want to know what happens to us when we die. I like that part of the story. We want answers You know and we still worship a lot of pretty interesting gods and There's another old text called the Inuma Elish, that tells the story of the later Babylonian creation epic, which Barles heavily from the Samarians, often used to propel the ancient astronaut myths. Oh, very briefly summarized this one.

So we can move it along to the wacky little portion of today's show. This next myth tells the story of the great gods, Marduk's victory over the forces of chaos and his establishment of order at the creation of the world. Marduk was a new supreme god created added to the old Samarian gods during Babylonian times. Marduk was the patron god of Babylon, the Babylonian king of the gods who presided over justice, compassion, healing, regeneration, magic, healing, regeneration,

magic, sweet fairness, although he's also sometimes referenced as a storm god, and also as an agricultural deity. They change their roles a lot over time, you know, because these civilizations lasted a long time and because it's all completely made up nonsense. Marduk was said to be the son of the god of wisdom, Enki, also known as Aya, who is himself considered a creator God in some myths. Marduk would eventually become the supreme God of the Mesopotamian Pantanon or Pantanon for the entire region associated with the planet Jupiter.

It seems that Marduk may have been the inspiration for the Greek God of Zeus, also associated with the planet Jupiter, who later became the Roman God, Jupiter. Like Zeus, Marda is a sky god. He is of a younger generation of gods. They both battled to create order, both over through their parents to triumph. Clearly, the Samarians influenced the Acadians, some of whom became the Babylonians, who then morphed into other Persian cultures, who then influenced Greek culture, which then influenced Roman culture.

It is very cool to see it go back to the beginning. Or the beginning that we know of, written wise. The Anuma-Elishtel's story of Mardex rise to power. In the beginning of time, the universe was undifferentiated swirling chaos, which separated into sweet fresh water, known as Opsu, the male principal and salty bitter water, known as, oh, I didn't have the pronunciation guide written next to it, this time, a tiamet, I think, the female principal. I'll to it this time. Tiamat, I think the female principal. I'll say correct later. These two deities then gave birth to other gods.

The major deities in the Samaritan panthenon included on Anu, the god of the heavens and Leo, the god of wisdom and storm, Enki, the god of water and human culture, Ninersag, the goddess of fertility and the earth, Utu, the god of the sun and justice, his father Nana, god of the moon. During the Akkadian period and afterward, Inana, the goddess of sex, beauty and warfare was widely venerated across Sumer and appeared in many myths, including the famous story of her descent to the underworld. The majority of Sumerian deities belonged to a classification called, here we go, the Anuna, or Anuna, offspring of on, whereas seven deities, including Enlil and Inana, belong to a group of, quote, underworld judges known as, yes, the Anunaki. A word I first heard some wacky doodles mispronounced, and I mispronounced it for several years,

as you're not surprised. I've often pronounced as the Anunaki. The earliest Sumerian writings about them which come from the post-ocating period before the Sumerians were completely assimilated into the cultures that would become a Serian Babylonian. The Anunnaki are deities in the pantheon, descendants of On, the Supreme Sky God,

God of the heavens and Key, God of the heavens and the goddess of Earth. And their primary function is to decree the fates of humanity. Illuminati, those damn space lizards controlling our fate, manipulating us from the shadows. And the introduction of the Anunnaki leads us directly to the sci-fi and or wacky-doodle portion of this week's suck. Remember earlier how I talked about how no one knows exactly

where the Samarians came from, how linguistically they weren't related to other cultures in the area at that time. Ancient astronaut theory has an answer for that mystery. Space, hello. The Samarians were created by humanity controlling aliens. Now we're digging into the ancient astronaut theory goodness. David, and your children's again, can I just say that the ancient astronaut theory

is much more than a theory? It's really more of a fact when you look at all the evidence that me and other world-renowned experts, David, you realize that almost none of the experts who show up on the history channels, ancient aliens, actually have a degree in anything space or archeology related, right? And that you don't have a degree and literally anything at all. I just don't see what Barry Net has

on the truth of giants, Atlantis, ancient astronauts, Lemurians. David, just go away down the hall, please. Okay, defined, that's the way you wanna play it. Go Grizz. There are two main men behind the story, behind the theory, excuse me, Zechariah Sichen. always want to add a T, every single time to his name. I want to say, Stitchin, because of the word Stitch, instead of Stitch.

So if I say Stitchin, excuse me, I have to fight it every single time I say this name. Zachariah Sitchin and Eric Von Daniken. We've already mentioned Stitchin. We'll look at both here. Almost all of the root claims in the popular ongoing TV show Ancient Aliens come from these two ding-dongs. I mean important researchers, the ancient astronauts concept that intelligent extraterrestrial beings visited Earth and made contact with humans and ancient times, giving Samarians and ancient Egyptians, all mixed, et cetera, futuristic secrets first

showed up as a science fiction concept. Of course it did because it is science fiction. Edison's conquest of Mars, a novel published in 1898, early sci-fi novel written by American astronomer and early science fiction author Garrett Putnam service. A man who influenced HP Lovecraft a bit is perhaps the first author, this is the first story to feature ancient astronauts who have a major influence on early human civilizations. Over half a century later, the idea is then proposed in earnest, so repackaged as an actual for sure,

real thing that definitely happened by Harold T. Wilkins, in 1954. Harold Wilkins was a British journalist, known for his books on treasure hunting, pseudo-historic claims about Atlantis, South America, hidden civilizations. He was seen by his journalist peers as a ding dong. Wilkins, who had no formal scientific or historical

education, wrote a bunch of sci-fi, like service, but unlike him presented as fact instead of science fiction. And then here we go. He writes about hollow earth, secret races of humans, all sorts of Madame Helen Obelvatsky, Theosophical Nonsense shit. He wrote the kind of shit that would go on to heavily influence British conspiracies, David Ike and the David Ike, so the world later.

And then in the 1960s, the ancient astronaut hypothesis receives some consideration as a serious possibility mainly due to a popular book written by Eric Von Daniken. Many critics would emerge the 1970s, just crediting Von Daniken's claims, but many of those who love Von Daniken's book don't ever read or hear about that criticism. And sorry if I'm just pronouncing it, I think it's Daniken. I read a lot of stuff about him. And then the history channel brought all his discredited ideas back in 2009 and then repackage them into a hit show ancient aliens and then presented them again as legitimate ideas which they are not by 2009 history channel execs seem to have realized that this kind of stuff got a lot more ratings and made them a lot more money than fact based documentaries about subjects like world war one or building us transcontinental real road. about subjects like World War I or building US transcontinental railroad. If you look back, the history channel stopped giving a shit about history around the same

time that the learning channel stopped caring about education, like the rise of reality TV, cheaper production, better ratings, and who cares about our original stances. The book I referenced the first really popular book on the idea of ancient astronauts was Eric Fundanikens, chariots of the gods, unsolved mysteries of the past. First published in 1968, originally written in German. And Daniken, born and raised in Switzerland, has zero formal education at all when it comes to ancient civilizations.

No one in the academic world takes this dude seriously at all. I really can't stress that enough. So who was this guy? Is this guy? Born in Switzerland in 1935, he became obsessed with the notion of extraterrestrials visiting Earth as a kid. And while going to Catholic school, he rejected the church teachings on creationism

in favor of this ancient alien slash ancient astronaut type belief system that he started formulating early on. He didn't do well in Catholic school. He dropped out before graduating to work at his Swiss hotel. And while working at the Swiss hotel, 1964, when he was 29, he wrote his first book called Did Our Ancestors Have a Visit From Space. Then he got arrested for theft, not long after that, and he moved to Egypt. Then down in Egypt, he gets arrested

for theft again, steal some jewelry, get some prison for nine months, sent back to Switzerland. It's another job at a hotel. The hotel rolls in Chugal in Davos. And that is where he wrote the cherry to the gods, unsolved mysteries of the past. For fuck's sake, the Q-source for ancient astronaut theories. A dude who dropped out of Catholic school, got arrested for theft twice, got kicked out of Egypt,

before writing the book that launched the belief system to lead to the ancient aliens TV show during his smoke breaks breaks will work in the fucking front desk of a hotel. So weird. The team of archaeologists and astronomers did not come up with this theory crazy. There was just an alien obsessed hotel clerk and I wonder how many ancient astronauts theory believers know about this. I'm going to say less than 5% Daniken's basic totally pulled out of his ass idea is that many of the ancient civilizations

such as the ancient Samarians were given high technology and knowledge by aliens who basically were welcomed as gods. He points to evidence, and I use that term very loosely all over the world. Von Danikens suggests that tons and tons of ancient structures, like the pyramids of Giza, Stonehenge, the Moai of giza stonehenge the moai of east or island was big stone heads uh... and their artifacts appear to reflect more sophisticated technological knowledge

then uh... you know is known are presumed to have existed at the times they were manufactured bond and can maintain to these artifacts were produced either by extra trust real visitors or by humans who learned the necessary knowledge from etis and he proposes you know their proposes that the humans could not have come up with these advances alone. I find it funny that Vandana can didn't seem to know

that the Moai were built between 1250 and 1500 CE. Those big stone heads, stone heads, in East on Easter Island, they're not ancient. They're just over, you know over 500 years old, not between 2500 and 300, they weren't built between 2500 and 3000 BC like Stonehenge, Stonehenge, which is around 5000 years ago. So my mouth is mushy or the normal. So let me get this straight down again. Aliens came down to England 5000 years ago to help those people build stonehenge then they come back five hundred to seven hundred and fifty years ago over four thousand years after their first visit to Easter Island to help them build some stoneheads and when they come back to Easter Island

they just what just look at how advanced things are in Europe and China and are like they're good they don't need her help anymore. That's fine. Why wouldn't they visit anyone else on the return visit? Because it never happened. I'm a believer in aliens, but not this. This makes no sense. How could civilizations create impressive and massive monuments? Well, for one thing, that a fuck ton of free labor

and also nothing but time to finish them. And I could go over, no aliens needed very earthly construction techniques, how they're very possible. And the times these cultures were alive, that would take another half an episode to break down. For today, and I have talked about it in some previous episodes, but for today, just know that educated researchers and accredited archaeologists have debunked these ideas over and over

and over again. But fans of Vandanican's ideas don't care that they're debunked because these ideas are super fun to entertain. Vandanican's books on the topic have all been best sellers with over 70 million copies sold as of 2017. So I'm sure millions more since, despite an extremely negative reception from the academic community, like the most negative, several counter-argument books have been written by experts demonstrating the many, many fallacies of Vondanikin's research that of course don't sell nearly

as well, including books called Like Spaces Gods Revealed by Ronald Story, which features an intro by Carl Sagan. Crash Go, The Chariots Written by Clifford Wilson. Wilson could not be more credited in this area. It became the director of the Australian Institute of Technology. Also personally worked on Samarian archeological sites. Got a PhD from South Carolina State University,

where he was a professor in cycle linguistics, has numerous other degrees. He's a lot smarter than I am, a lot smarter than Eric Von Daniken. He doesn't buy it and neither do his peers. There's even some evidence that our recent SUCK subject, HP Lovecraft and his Cthulhu mythos. Mythos.

Mythos. God damn it. There's too many tough words in tough words this was a big part of the inspiration for Danikin you wrote fiction presented as nonfiction Now I'm to now now I have to it's gonna drive me crazy so before I even go further I had to do this before I messed up that one word so many times. I am actually going to stop looking at my notes and pull up Mythos me what's what's one is it? Too many alternate pronunciations of this word. And it is mythos. That's where it was. It was the myth that was thrown me mythos.

Fuck yeah. That's what the dictionary says. Mythos. Okay. Feeling a little bit better. Too many pronunciations for a reader, not a. Okay, ha, feeling a little bit better. Too many pronunciations for a reader, not a watcher, to constantly memorize.

The other main pillar of the ancient astronaut theory is old Zechariah's Sitchin. He really connected the Samarians to the Anunnaki. His most influential book was published in 1976, it's called a 12th planet, which is the first book of his earth chronicles collection Such an attribute to the creation of the ancient Samarian culture to the Anunnaki Which were not the children of the god on like we already learned

But we're actually a race of extraterrestrials from a planet called Neptune called nibiru also known as planet X also known to many astronomers as not real nibiru has been linked to nasa by various bloggers because of so many claimed connections NASA officials put out an official statement saying it's not real. Zechariah's Sitchin disagrees. The main with no formal education when it comes to the ancient Samarians asserted that Samarian mythology suggests that his hypothetical and undiscovered and not real planets of Nibburu isn't an elongated 300, 600 year long elliptical orbit around the sun he says this

planet comes around every thirty six hundred years which according to sitzion lines up with important ages in human history like vandanican uh... sitzion's books have sold millions of copies have been translated in numerous languages around the world uh... they've been read by many acts like Dwight York cold leader of the Nuabe and nation of more as we sucked a few weeks ago. This is the kind of shit he leaned on when I go on through the final extraterrestrial phase of his ever changing cult. Like with Von Daniken, no one who knows anything about the actual Samaritan stinks, Sitchins, ideas or words of shit.

He's been criticized heavily for extremely flawed methodology and way the fuck off Miss Translations of Ancient Text as well as for incorrect astronomical and scientific claims. And a lot of people to know thinks that he pulled a lot of these serious set of his ass, and we'll go over some of these in a minute. First, remember that this guy's knowledge of Samarion is 100% self-taught. He says that while working as an executive for a shipping company

in his off hours, he taught himself Samarion Kuneform and then visited several archaeological sites sites and a lot of his critics think you know he's lying if you went to any archeological sites or archeological sites it was like as a tourist but not as part of an archeological team and I love like that he taught himself how to read these tablets because that guy civil we talked about the most accomplished Samarian linguist in the world, he didn't figure out all of Samarian and he dedicated like 50 years of his life to it. And this guy like in his off hours working as a shipping exec is like, no, I can knock it out.

Some experts who have critiqued Sittions Samarian translations think that he actually doesn't know a single word of Samarian, like he has literally no idea what they could have formed say. According to Sitch and the planet Nibiru, whose name he replaced with Marduk and Babylonian legends, collided catastrophically with, there we go, Teammate. This is a word I said earlier I needed a pronunciation guide for, a Babylonian goddess, which he considers to be another planet once located between Mars and Jupiter, this no longer around. This collision supposedly formed our planet Earth, the asteroid belt, and the comets, and

it created the oceans. Now this fucking shipping exec who also didn't study astronomy has just rewritten astronomy. A shipping exec in a hotel clerk putting on their Indiana Jones hats and thinking they found some secret knowledge equivalent to the arc of the covenant, these fucking clowns. Okay, such in states that when struck by one of planet Nibiru's moons, Tiamat split into, and then on a second pass, Nibiru itself struck the broken fragments, and one half of Tiamat became the asteroid belt. The second half struck again by one of Nibiru's moons was pushed into a new orbit and became Earth. That is not based on a correct translation of any ancient

text, say, any expert who is waiting on it. It's just a bunch of made up goblet gook. It's a guy who can't read Samarion saying that he read Samarion and read the Babylonian Kuneforms and just making up a bunch of shit. A situation also speculated that Pluto was originally a satellite of Saturn, but Nibiru's gravity fucked it up, sent it into the outer solar system, given the body its peculiar orbital path intersecting the orbit of Neptune. You know who doesn't believe that? Any astronomers? This has the credibility of flatter theory. According to a situation, Nibiru is called the 12th planet, because he claimed the Samarion gods given conception of the

solar system counted all eight planets plus Pluto, the Sun, the Moon, and Nibburu was home of a technologically advanced human-like extraterrestrial race called the Anunnaki and Samarion myth whose Sitchon states are also called the Nephilim and Genesis. The Nephilim and Genesis are not aliens in the Bible. They're giants. Some of the shithills that God wanted to kill with the great flood, they're giants that there is literally no archaeological evidence for, by the way, at all. David, you're here.

Can I at least promote my new A&G show? Maybe it's giants here. No. Yeah, but what if they and not he are really giants and we just because you're a giant doesn't mean you're not an alien right uh... no yet that's true they would actually and you know and so are ancient aliens are you in total true alien and

truters united go gris alright hope that's all for today uh... back to other wacky little uh... such a road that the innuniki evolved after Nibiru entered the inner solar system and they first arrived at ours probably 40, 450,000 years ago. Looking for minerals, especially gold, which they found and mined in Africa. Six to say that these gods were really just rank and file workers of a colonial expedition to earth from planet Nibiru. So you know, 450,000 years ago, this planet that no one thinks

is real, comes by Earth and there's aliens They're like, ah, we're low on gold and then you know some of their alien overlord their bosses are like, well if I can go there Got a gold and get that gold They're like, okay, they get their spatials and they go to Earth According to Sitch and Anki, the Samarian god of water and human culture who was really in Anunnaki Suggested that to relieve the Anunnaki who are now on earth mining this gold, some of whom have mutinied over their dissatisfaction with their working conditions. Like how the fuck would he know about that?

That primitive workers should be created by genetically engineering slaves to replace them in gold mines, and they made these slaves by infusing extraterrestrial genes into the genes of homo erectus. And this is all just fucking stupid. Homo erectus existed from two million years ago to about a hundred thousand years ago. Maybe we're still around 50,000 years ago. The Samarins didn't start writing shit down until 3,500 BC. How would they know about this homo erectus breeding experiment? How would anyone know? Right? Because the written evidence doesn't go back nearly that far. It's, this supposedly took place 45,000 to 95,000 years before anyone started writing anything like the, like the epic of Gilgamesh. That is a long time to

play the telephone game. I don't think that the message shown up in 3,500 B.C. is going to be anything close to the original message that was laid out like 95,000 years earlier. According to Sitchon, ancient inscriptions report that the human civilization in Sumer Mesopotamia was set up under the guidance of these gods and human kingship was inaugurated to provide intermediaries, intermediaries between mankind and the Inno-Nachite creating the whole divine right of kings doctrine. And that's the whole Illuminati craziness where there's still a internaut here around there, fucking living in tunnels under the earth, you know, these aliens are just kind of hide. It gets all morphed. I'll mention how it gets

morphed a little bit into lizard with David I care soon. But and then there's like these kings, this Babylonian brotherhood that evolves and that becomes like the kings of Europe and the Medici and they're all really internautky people and then many of our leaders today are lizard people and that's how you get to fucking people thinking that Justin Bieber and Katy Perry are lizards. It all starts with this preposterous nonsense. And by the way, he has this timeline so far off. The civilization and the Sumerian civilization didn't get going until long after a homo erectus was gone, I just, ah, ah, also

interesting to me that the words reptile lizard and reptilian, they don't come up in Sitchin's books. At least not his big one, the 12th planet. They also don't show up in a book of his greatest teachings. I use the word greatest very loosely. Compiled by his daughter Janet published in 2005, or 2015, excuse me, called the Anunaki Chronicles. So when did the Anunnaki become the lizard illuminati that British conspiracist David

Ike loves to ramble about? It's so many people on YouTube like to talk about now. Ike himself seems to be the main person responsible for popularizing the extraterrestrial reptilian spin on the Anunnaki who started in Slaven humanity in the early years of the Samarits. He seemed to have woven the idea of reptilians into the Anunnaki who started in Slaven humanity in the early years of the Samarits. He seemed to have woven the idea of reptilians into the Anunnaki ancient astronauts theory most directly. There could be a few other people.

This shit is so fucking hard to research, I will say. I spent two to three times as much time as on a normal sucked research in this because there's so much wack to do to nonsense and it's so poorly footnoted. And it's just, and it's so crazy. Ited. And it's so crazy. It's hard to first get your head around it and then be like, where do they come up with these ideas? It's actually thought that Ike built his reptilian ideas off of sci-fi authors like HP Lovecraft's Buddy Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan the Barbarian.

It's so random. Michael Barkin, a polypsphus, a Syracuse University who's looked into a lot of this, thinks that the idea of a reptilian conspiracy originated in the Cole universe. When some serpent men appeared in a Conan universe story called the Shadow Kingdom, first published in Weird Tales in 1929, the publication that launched Lovecraft's career.

The Shadow Kingdom was the first story based around Cole of Atlantis. So actually, I misspoke. It wasn't quite the cone of the Barbanian universe. It was a character Howard would later rework into cone of the Barbarian. Yikes! So many suck first topic connections being made here today. There are so many beliefs that come from such an...

It could take fucking years to go through. It reminds me... Very much like David Ike. I've talked about David Ike a lot on the Secret Suck and he just writes so much shit. He's just like a bullshit factory. Just every year pumping out a new 800 page book, it seems, full of like, you know, 80 topics

that are hard to understand because they're nonsensical. You can just get lost. This is how people get lost and it up and like weird like QAnon cult type shit. No need to do that. I'm not going to go into all of Sitch and stuff, but I want to toss out a few more examples that pertain to the Samarians. Sitch and believed, past tense with him because he died in 2010 to age 90, that fallout

from nuclear weapons used during a war between factions of the extraterrestrials is the evil wind described in the Samarion text, lament, lament for, or that destroyed or around 2000 BCE. Stitchin states that the exact year was destroyed is 2024 BCE. It does not say that. No academics think that. The actual text describes the goddess Ningal who weeps for her city after plitting with the god and Leo to call back a destructive storm Interspersed with the goddess whaleeans are other sections possibly a different origin and composition

The describe the ghost town that er would become They recount the wrath of inlil storm and invoke protection of the god Nana against future calamity So it's they're just talking about like a storm like there's you know, there's been plenty of big storms Crazy for Sitchon to think that Sumerian theological stories also were meant to be taken literally. I wonder if he also believed Yolgemesh actually walked around in the underworld and that he actually fought and killed Snake Dick Demon. Sitchon says that his research coincides with many biblical texts, excuse me, that these

biblical texts come originally from Sumerian writings. Many ancient astronauts theorists believe that aliens have had multiple nuclear wars. I'll believe that when Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed in the Bible, for example, that was a display of some alien nuclear rage. Sitch and also said in the ancient text of Sumeria, we have descriptions of these beings descending from the sky called the Anonaki.

The term Anonaki means those who from the heavens came not true. The word Anonaki according to people who actually know how to translate Samarian, it means princely seed or princely blood. That's right, space lizards. We have the blood of kings running through our veins. Hail the space lizards. Knowledge in Imran. A little nod to the secret suck.

Okay, now back to Samarian idea is that the ananaki were direct creations of Anu, regarded as the father and the king of the gods. Another expert in Samarian language is an author of a website. I love this, just called, Sitchin is wrong, named Michael Heiser wrote, you'll often read, especially in the writings of Zechariah Sitchin, that the Anunnaki means something like they who come from heaven, or some other description that makes them sound like aliens

or extraterrestrials. There is not a source on the planet by any Sumerian scholar that would agree with that definition. There is not a source on the planet by any Sumerian scholar that would agree with that definition. It's not a difficult term. I personally don't think that Sitchin knew Sumerian at all because if you're going to get a term associated with a very group of important

or with a very important group of deities wrong, I have to wonder what else you're going to get wrong. So dropping the academic hammer on old Sitchin, telling him to take his poople ideas and stuff from his loophole. One of the most repeated sentiments from Sitchin's work is the idea that the aliens came here to mine gold. And this idea will get transformed by David Ike into this crazy belief that aliens, reptilian aliens, use gold to fuel their magical ability to shape shift and that they shape shift to hide in plain sight among us as politicians, celebrities, you know, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, Obama, wealthy

elite, etc. The Illuminati, the lizard Illuminati, they disguise themselves so they can manipulate and control us and they manipulate and control us to make sure the world is always full of war and pain and misery. And they do that because the reptilians, they feed off of our pain and fear, literally that's what the Anonaki eat. Wake up, sheep, oh can't you see the truth? It's also obvious if your third eye is open,

open your loophole, open your poophole. Maybe that's the right eye. Sitch and originally put forward the notion that the Anonaki needed to create a slave race us to mine this gold to help fix or to pleated atmosphere on their planet, Nibburu. So, like, where does that come from, the Samaritan or any other text? It doesn't come from anything other than his brain. So, you know, they need to mine the gold, turn into atomic dust and repair their atmosphere with it. And then that can be used to reflect the sun from their heavily,

you know, industrialized planet. And again, there's no link to any smaring text for any of this uh... interesting to know that such a doesn't even give a place in the smaring text to justify this notion that they needed gold for their atmosphere he just says in the fall at the following is book the wars of gods and men he says the metal with its unique properties was needed back home for a vital need as best as we can make out this vital need could have been for suspending the gold particles in nibburu's waning atmosphere and the shielded from critical dissipation.

It's just, it's science fiction. As best as we can make out, who's we? None of this explained. The Samarins aren't the only culture that gets the ancient astronaut treatment. There are hundreds of other claims, which have also been debunked over and over from every corner of the globe, sites with megalithic structures like the NASCAR lines in Peru, huge pictures that can only be seen from the sky fully. The monolithic stones of ballbeck and Lebanon, Stonehenge, the pyramids of Egypt, Easter

islands, big stone heads, stuff that went over earlier, all have extraterrestrial explanations. Stone conclusion here, ancient astronaut theory is fun, right? It's exciting, I get the appeal. It sounds awesome. But the claims that have been made on TV and books and throughout history are based on literally nothing but bad research by uneducated researchers who are actually not experts in those fields,

mistranslations by people who don't even fucking know the languages they're claiming to translate from, and just lies, just outright lies. Most of what modern ancient astronaut theorists say about the ancient Samarians and the Anonaki being connected has been copied and pasted from Sitchin. And just about everything he wrote in his books is garbage, especially the foundational principle to the Samarians wrote of the Anonaki as gods that came down in rocket ships they did not write that. He didn't. And if you want to see the ancient mythologies or ancient aliens mythology a further debunked, I highly recommend you check out a three hour YouTube video called Ancient Aliens debunked, almost nine million views. Thankfully, way more likes and dislikes,

which gives me hope for humanity, posted by the YouTube channel verse by verse. It's so good and rational and thorough. It just debunks claim after claim after claim very calmly, calmly, much less cursing than I do. There are some great quotes about ancient alien theory believers in the comment section such as when you don't know what you're talking about, everything is a mystery. Holy shit is that true. And ancient aliens never let the facts get in the way of a good story. And I love this one so much. The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance. It is the illusion of knowledge. So yeah, there you go.

All right, now let's circle back to some real Samarion history. The Samarion civilization, it was incredible. It started with a decision to grow some wheat, barley, other crops, already grown wild and a great river basin. In this area of abundant fertile soil, fish, other game allowed early humans to stop hunting and gathering, start farming, create a surplus of food that allowed many to not have to farm, and those

who didn't have to farm help build walled cities to protect the citizens. Once protected, some of those citizens became scholars, learned how to write down a language, specialized their skills, build a government, down a language, specialize their skills, build a government, build out a complex mythology. It all snowballed into becoming positive with their first civilization in history. If not the first, definitely one of the oldest. A shift towards farming and using irrigation unlike anyone before was displayed by the Samarians, it allowed them to accomplish so many important firsts.

Again, like the written language, mathematics, complex religious moral and legal structures, schools, literature, trade, technology, their polytheistic religious beliefs would set the stage for countless subsequent religious belief systems. It's very clear that there is an influence there in the creation of Abrahamic religions that so heavily influence and shape the rest of human history. And they also gave us a lot of fodder for people who want to make money off of the popularity of aliens. Aliens did not need to come down and teach our ancestors how to build amazing structures.

I wish more people could understand that. Structures like the pyramids were not built overnight. I think this for some people get hung up. It's like, well, we couldn't build that quickly. Yeah, but we would never try to launch a building project now that would take hundreds of years, right? Because people want to make money off of it and they need to make money off it in their lifetime for it to be worthwhile for them.

You know, smart early humans, oh man, I cannot stop by so much in the juxtaposition, I don't know what's going on, it just won't stop. A smart early humans slowly figured out how to build bigger and more impressive structures, slowly over hundreds of years, through trial and error,

through learning from previous generations, through writing notes to help later generations, and honestly through rulers who really didn't give a shit about their people with either four slaves to work their whole lives in some cases to build shit or you know they had the money from taxing their people to build to pay multiple generations you know thousands and thousands of people to build these projects you know a huge crew an unlimited budget a lot of time can allow you to build great massive monuments, with much less advanced tools than we have today.

There's no mystery. And the things we build now are cooler in many respects. It's like, yeah, we're not building these massive stone pyramids. We are building these massive skyscrapers that are so much more technologically advanced and more useful than these old buildings. They didn't have much interior space, they look impressive, stand the test at time, but you wouldn't want to fucking live in one. So there's no mystery, but there is so much to be marveled at. Marvel at the human ingenuity it took. In addition to being in a place with lots of great natural resources, to pull humanity out of a hunter-gatherer society into civilization. And again, just understand like Rome, these places, these civilizations, they were not built in a day.

It wasn't pickin' berries one day to stay alive. And then the next day, you've got a big walled city and you're built a massive temple. Slow and steady for a long time, which is, you know, much more boring than aliens coming down and be like, here you go! Get going on those big old stone heads, motherfucker! I want to see some progress! Now I gotta get out of here before some people from England or something see me. Oh, and again, aliens can be real. Just not citations and vandanakins version of aliens.

Let us now recap. Number one, the Samarins were first at so many things and all likely it farming math writing taxes that gave us the wheel the plow a Fleshed out concept of time so much Number two the epic of Gilgamesh may have influenced the Bible Also, it is thought by many that there is an unknown text that may have inspired both the Samarins and the ancient Hebrews Number three ancient astronaut theorists. Fuck me. Built on so much bullshit.

Eric Fundaniken, Zechariah Sitchin, built a theory now accepted or at least considered by millions to be true. Of aliens visiting in the past, giving early humans technology, allowing them to build civilizations, maybe make some big stone heads and it's built on nonsense. Number four, it's interesting just how many religions popped out of the Mesotami and region during and after the Samaritan's reign. Judaism, Christianity, Islam, also a Zoroastrianism and all the various forms of polytheism in the vein of the Samarian pantonon, like the Greek and Roman religions.

Number five, new info. There's a fairly recent culty pseudo-religion that has incorporated ancient astronaut theory into its core tenets. So that's awesome. We're going to religion built on this, the Rayleigh and cult. Oh boy. Raylism, also known as Raylianism, is a UFO religion that was founded in the 1970s in France by Claude Vorill-Hahn, now known as Rail. Cult. Cult. Sometimes called intelligent design for atheists will probably suck it one day, right now just a little preview.

The Rayleans called themselves an organization but are often referred to as a cult or even as space alien cult according to the president of the North American Rayleans. They have about 130,000 members in more than 80 countries. Dear God, they are patiently waiting for the return of humanity's creators. They're waiting for the return of the Anunnaki. They call the alone, which is also Hebrew word for God. They believe the Sichuan line that humans were created in an alien laboratory. They're profit rail, a former French journalist and race car driver named Claude Vorill, Vorillhon had his own alien encounter over 40 years ago and then found that a religion devoted. He says to science and also

to pleasure, but mostly just to the aliens in pleasure. Aliens sex cult, Raylions are sexually liberated, which has likely helped them recruit new members all over the globe, like any good cult or controversial. They claimed years ago that they successfully cloned human babies. They didn't. Thomas Kanzig, president of the US Rayleigh movement, told Mystery Wire, it's really important to clarify that the Rayleigh movement is not cloning. Rayleigh as leader of the Rayleigh movement, he initiated the cloning project, but it was handed over to Rayleigh Bridget Bossellier in the late 90s, and it became independent.

No, it didn't. It's all nonsense. Another one of the controversies surrounding the group is their use of the Swatsika, an ancient symbol of peace adopted by the Nazis. The Raleon symbol shows the Swatsika inside the star of David, so maybe not the best call. Central goal for the Raleons is the creation of an embassy

near Jerusalem to welcome back the Aloham, the Anunnaki. Their protective race of space aliens, they believe that there have been 40 aloham human hybrid prophets that have been sent to earth to set the stage for the return of the aloham, the Anunnaki, which include the Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, and of course, rail himself, you know, the new guy. These beings who are 25,000 years ahead of us, they could come here at any moment. Kansas says, but they're so respectful. And I think that there's a lot of teaching that are so respectful. And they say, there's a lot of teaching that are so respectful.

And they say, if you want to welcome us, we will come if you don't want to, we will not come. They could destroy the planet. They could move around the whole solar system they want. They could appear anywhere in time. But they say, we come if you build an embassy for us. So the embassy is like to sign the humanities ready because they don't want to impose themselves on us.

What the fuck is wrong's wrong with people. The Rayleigh North American headquarters is in Las Vegas. It feels right for some reason. And the world wide headquarters is in Geneva, Switzerland. I can whack a dude of ideas. We want to take it out there or something. They just take hold and then no matter how painfully dumb

they are, they just keep growing and spreading. Makes me honestly makes me sad in moments for just huge portions of humanity. Let's hope there are always more of us who do not believe this kind of shit than those of us who do. That still seems to be the case based on that debunked video. Thank God. Sometimes I wonder how much longer it'll be the case. Sometimes I wonder how much longer it'll be the case. The ancient astronaut slash ancient Samaritan's episode has been sucked. Holy shit. That suck was a bitch to put together.

I hope it was entertaining. I wasn't from lack of effort. I promised that I'd easily spent so much extra time. It's just, man, when you get into these wackadoodle wormholes, it's just like, you feel like you're going crazy. It's like, what is real? What is real? And I just default to this thing of like, okay, if all of the academic community, all

the people from the best schools in the world, where the professors have dedicated their fucking lives and built off the knowledge of previous people in this one area, if like all of them agree on A, and then a different group of people are like nope, B, and all the different group of people have none of the education and are not respected in that field at all, I gotta go with A.

And that doesn't make me believe that like all professors are just, they know everything more than anyone else. I hope it never comes across that way. But I also like if you don't respect expertise, then society fucking collapses, which is kind of ironic in a way to be pointing out right now, like talking about like the building of the civilization. It's like, yeah, a lot of our what we like about civilization will crumble. If we're like, now the experts don't know anything. It's like, you know, like the scholars in, you know, ancient Samar culture wrote all of their, wrote all of their kuna forms.

Of course he did. They didn't just let fucking Johnny farmer, like, hey, I need you to knock out a couple clay tablets of kuna forms, you know, and some guys like, I don't know how to do that. That doesn't fucking matter. That doesn't matter. Sitchon, he will later translate this, and he doesn't know what any of it means. So who fucking cares? Just make chisels, and we'll call it a language. Like that's basically what a lot of these people

are kind of asking you to do with your beliefs. Who fucking cares? That I didn't study with anybody that actually knows something about this. I thought about it and I read a lot of books written by other people who are just as fucking dumb as me so you should believe it. That's what the wacky doodle mythology is built on. It's just centuries of idiots writing books that are sexy that that have interesting, fantastical thoughts that would be great as sci-fi, but they're presented as fact. And then the next generation, another group of fucking idiots sees that, and they're like, ah, and they use it as like a bibliography.

No, I'm basing. I've listened. I'm knowledgeable. I've read a lot of stuff. You read a lot of garbage. Garbage in, garbage out. It's so frustrating. And fuck you, of garbage. Garbage in garbage out. It's so frustrating and fuck you history channel. Fuck you as a network.

Just change your name. You fucking pieces of shit. You promote this nonsense. Try as me fucking crazy. I hate the history channel. Fuck all the execs there. Seriously, fuck that network. Thank you to the Bad Magic Productions team for all the help in making Time Suck. Which gears to gratitude now? Create a Bad Magic Lindsey Cummins,

Reverend Dr. Joe Paisy, Zach Descript, Keeper, Flannery for running point on this week's research, Biddle Lixur for continuously refining the Time Suck app, Logan, the Art Warlock Keith, running BadMagicMarch.com, being the visual artist for all things Bad Magic, working on our socials along with Liz Hernandez

who runs the Culticurious Facebook private page, along with our All-Seeing Eyes. Thanks to all sort of beef steak and the Mod Squad over on Discord. Now you can link to Discord through the Time Suck app. Next week on Time Suck, we are going back to the world of cult, cult, cult, because apparently I haven't had enough insanity in my head.

We're gonna go to the aggressive Christian mission training core, cult. This relatively low profile cult would start up in 1991 in Sacramento under the name Free Love Ministries. When a former cult member alleged that she'd been forced by the group to beat her infant children to heavy labor and live in a shed, the group packed up and headed northwest. Eventually settling in southern New Mexico, and so they didn't say in the Northwest, they went back down. Having rebranded as the aggressive Christian mission training corps, and they were aggressive. Run by Colt leader Deborah Green, who called herself the general,

the ACMTC distributed leaflets, produced radio shows, wandered around town in the military get-ups, professing about how God's army needed to fight the demons. They took their name and tactics from a book called aggressive Christianity by Catherine Booth, Booth, the co-founder of the Salvation Army. Interesting. The ACMTC would go relatively undetected until 2017 when investigators arrested Debra Green

and her fellow high ranking cult members on a litany of charges, including hundreds of child abuse and molestation charges. Luckily, some members, including Deborah's own daughter, would manage to escape the cult. We'll cover that as well. For everything you ever wanted to know about the aggressive Christian mission training court cult

and the insanity of Deborah Green, tuning next week on Time Suck. And now let's head on over up with the comments a lot of victim message. Always fun to kick things off of some comedy in the updates. Loyal sucker Bret writes, dammit Dan. I was just listening to the vampire of Doosledorf suck on my Bluetooth headphones as I was finishing up work the other day, kept listening to my drive home.

I had to stop and grab some groceries on my way home and didn't realize that with my car shut off the podcast, reconnected to my headphones and kept playing. I can't hear my headphones unless they're in my ears, so I never realized I was walking around the store with the suck playing in the background. While I was waiting the checkout line, the batteries of my headphones died

and on full blast through my phone speaker now came, if it has four legs, is he human, it has a butthole, I'm gonna figure out how to stick my dick in it. I fumbled around trying to press pause before anything else disturbing came out of your mouth. The lady in front of me looked back at me, horrified and confused. Everyone within earshot turned to see what kind of monster they were in the presence of. I damn near left my groceries in the cart and just walked out of the store.

That was by far the most awkward silent interaction I have ever had with the grocery store cashier. From now on, I will always make sure this suck is paused at a mountain public. Anyway, I thought you might get a laugh out of my misfortune. I love the suck, wouldn't change the things. We had a five stars. Sorry not sorry for the lung message, loyal sucker, Brett. Oh my God, that's one of the best ones a laugh out of my misfortune. I love the suck. Wouldn't change the things. We had a five stars. Sorry not sorry for the long message.

A little sucker. Brett. Oh my God, that's one of the best ones I've heard of while, Brett. That was like, I mean, there's a lot of crazy shit I said in that episode. But that was like one of the worst lines. They could just jump in on. Oh man, I'm just picturing that. I pictured that so clearly in my mind.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would wonder about someone if I wasn't doing these podcasts if I heard that next to me in the grocery store line That was so fun to do it again now for another Cummins law victim definitely not a murdering meat sack for sure Heather writes hello, you beautiful bastard horsecock queen of the suck and the rest of the crew I had to pull over and share the hilarious Cummins law that happened to me while listening to the vampire of Dusseldorf suck I'm a youth counselor at a residential detention treatment facility for troubled teens. Needless to say, I work a long hours. I don't get off work until 11 p.m. or later depending on how the day goes. And thank you for doing that work, by the way.

It's such an important work. Working 14 hour shifts, a lot, I'll run to the gas station after work while listening to the suck to unwind. Being so late, I'm normally the only one there. So I don't bother to turn down the radio and leave the window cracked. And I leave the window cracked while I'm pumping gas so I can keep listening. Tonight was no exception.

So when I pulled up and sat in the car for a few minutes before getting out to fill the tank, I waited for another car to pull up. Now, if you've ever left your stereo blasting wall in the covered area of the pump, you know it amplifies everything. The podcast is no exception. I said the car for a good five minutes or more before it getting out to pump, leaving the podcast plain as usual. It's about 43 minutes or so when we started talking about his early, rapy crimes.

I got to start pumping gas. So I noticed that the person hadn't noticed a person hadn't moved out of their car. When I glanced around the pump at him, they were staring straight forward with their hands on the wheel. I couldn't help but laughing in this poor bastard is thinking he just walked into some backwoods horror film with some multi-colored haired, all black horror t-shirt wearing, murder-listing weirdo. To give you a visual, I'm in a gas station on a native reservation, so it's surrounded by woods and trees in a very country area. People have been known to disappear on the reservation at night in the past. Although

not embarrassing like your normal comments laws, I'm sure it's scared the bejesus out of him And now if something to go back and tell his friends about so I'd like to you Yeah, you just didn't know how long this person was listing to you blast this from your car probably several minutes one final note for your convenience my last name is pronounced Don don y'all of it done don y'all live itch Don Don Yolovit Don Don Yol Lev itch Don Yolovitch Don Yolovitch. Oh, yeah, it's a crazy spelling keep on sucking Heather Don Yolovitch and her name is like it's like Daniel but then EW ICH. Oh, well Heather. Thank you for sharing that Yeah, that'd be another one like if I wasn't really familiar with podcasts That would be odd if you just pull up in a lonely gas station behind somebody, like waiting for the pump, they don't notice you're there and you're just blasting some horrific murder talk.

Yeah, they might have been pretty uncomfortable. Now let's talk about Whipple. My Whipple ads have cost the following marvelous meat sack or may cost the following marvelous meat sack his job one of these days. Hank writes, dear master sucks a lot. All hail triple M, I bow to you Lucifina for I'm not worthy and good boy boy jangles. I'm writing to you today hoping that the other agent I am working with is not a fellow

cult member. I'm doing a deal with a very professional agent whose last name is Whipple. And thanks to you, every single time I have to say her name, I can't do it without putting on my cut off Cobra Kai T-shirt, pitipers black waffle stompers and cutoff jeans shorts We're going into a rage about fucking your feelings while jumping off the hood of my truck jamming on an air machine gun All while flexing my 22 inch pythons while my pyro tech blows up your aunt's house Well, she is knitting a very very scratchy sweater may mr. kittens rest in pieces fuck Whipple just did it again Fuck your feelings not sorry about the long email

with too much detail, Whipple, Hank. Hank, that just cracked me up. Thank you for sharing that. And you know, just one more. Today my brain is fucking fried, but I want to get this out. This is a correction I got from multiple meat sex. I got a lot of throttle messages this past week.

Dear King of the Suck, writes Roxanne. I just listened to your vampire of Dusseldorf episode and want to laugh my ass off like a crazy person while I listen to work. I just wanted to let you know that throttle, that too throttle a person, means to strangle them by either the use of your hands or by use of a rope according to the dictionary. Just an FYI, keep up the great work. Also have you heard about Princess Olga of Russia? She was a total badass. Look up how she took revenge on the man who killed her husband.

Roxanne, if you can sing my name like Eddie Murphy, go for it, LOL. Roxanne, you don't have to put out the red light. I don't remember how. I do exactly. I remember it's real high. PS, seriously thinking about renaming one of my cats, Whipple. Well, thank you for that correction. I appreciate that. Roxanne. And yes, I got there from a lot of people.

I just, for some reason, my dad used to see that term. I got a throttle, and I thought it was like a punchy thing. And I was so convinced of that that I didn't even occur to me to look it up. But you know, I assumed. I made a asset of you know, you and me. Mostly me. So yes, I did get a lot of throttle messages

and I do know now that it works for, that it means like choking. And I just never saw it in a criminal profile that way. Like in American, like evidence or whatever about some or a description of some American killer strangling somebody, yeah, it's always like strangled strangled strangulation choke but never throttled. So now I know and now those of you who maybe didn't know before probably not that many of you you also know and now I'm also getting out of

here. The Sumerians and ancient astronauts have melted me brain. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. Thanks for listening to another Bad Magic Productions podcast Meet X. Please don't try and convince any friends, family, or even strangers that aliens made the Samarians or Bill Pyramids or any of the other ancient astronaut silliness this week. Just if you can watch just uh... you know what's that show just have a good laugh uh... please try to keep people to keep on sucking instead uh... uh... david chelris here uh... i just want to say a little surprise you don't bring me in for the end of the episode

i i really feel like feel like given the time, that I really could explain a lot of the questions you seem to have about all of this. I've done heavy research. Hey, David. Yeah, yeah. What was the explanation you have for this? Hey, David, I just didn't bring you in any more than I did

because you're fucking moron. Uh, well okay, well that's harsh can I say one more thing? Just one more thing before I do go. Yeah, sure, just say one more thing. Go gris, go gris. Okay. you