Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 26 - Sasquatch vs Loch Ness Monster!

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

It's the Skunk Ape from Shreveport, the Bigfoot from Bremerton squaring off against the Sea Creature from Scotland, the dinosaur of Drumnadrochit. Sasquatch versus The Loch Ness Monster! Which legend do you believe? Which creature’s believers are more insane? Two of the world's most famous mythological creatures get sucked… today on Timesuck!

In this corner, standing it over 8 feet tall and weighing just under a thousand pounds, it's the Yeti from Dangadi, the skunk A from Shreveport, big foot from Bremerton, it's Sasquatch! And in this corner, 50 feet long and weighing in it over 25 hundred pounds, we have Nessie from Iverness, the sea creature from Scotland, the dinosaur of Drummer Dricket, the Loch Ness Monster! Sasquatch versus the Loch Ness Monster! Let's get it on! Which legend do you believe?

Which creature is more ridiculous to imagine is real? Which creature's group of believers is more insane? Is there a snowball's chance in hell that either one of these crypto-zoological legends possess even an ounce of truth? Does anyone, literally anyone, make a compelling case for either of their existences? Two, of the most famous mythological creatures get sucked. Today on Time Suckers. Those of you who love to suck and get sucked, love you fans of the suckage.

Love you keep on sucking. Thanks so much for all the new subscriptions, ratings and reviews. 300 I2 reviews bonus episode came out three days ago, and we're already halfway there to the 400 review bonus episode about Steintology. Elrond Hubbard about to get sucked. Holy shit. Can't believe how much you guys suck. Looking forward to today's lighter topic. I needed a murder breather. I don't know about you guys. Had more great updates come in as well this week, And I want to get right into a few with some time sucker updates. Updates.

Get your time sucker updates. Today's first update is from time sucker Josh DeCruz. He had the subject line and his email sent to admin at timesuppodcast.com. Hey, ass hat. Got my attention for sure. He says, here this, the Jewish people were originally blamed for the plague due to the fact they didn't get it as often as other commoners. This is due to the fact that the religion called for a cleaner lifestyle, i.e. washing hands before eating.

Many historians, myself, included believe that this is why they were blamed for the plague. Keep giving me that good suck and you need to come to Atlanta. Sweet, I am coming to Atlanta this summer. Gonna be at the laughing skull. I just gotta get that data, my calendar. I've been so busy sucking. I don't have time for anything else in my life. Yeah, man, that is some great info. It's a great update. And that's a great additional piece of knowledge for the bonus episode about Germany in the 1930s, bonus episode three.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, so it wasn't just random racism and things like I mentioned. It was also, yeah, that they were more, people were worried about them or concerned about why they weren't getting sick and then they thought they had something to do with it. Okay. That is an awesome extra info. Thank you, Josh. More feedback came in from that SoCal kid on iTunes. On iTunes reviews, he asked if I could kick up the podcast volume so we can hear the show better and it's truck. I am working on that now. Looking into how to figure out how to increase the volume of the podcast as it shows up in iTunes and

other places without distorting the audio quality. So thank you for bringing that to my attention. I know that has to be super annoying. I am going to work on it. Next one, time-sucker and a mediocre time, listener with Tom and Dan. Listener Daniel Bernard wrote me saying, have you heard that Holmes grandson apparently found a book in his parents attic attic and realized that it belongs to Holmes. And after researching it, had a theory that some of the time he had disappeared for a bit, he was in London and was the infamous Jack the Ripper. That would be a cool tie-in for Jack the Ripper episode. I love the show.

Thank you, BDM for life. That's awesome at your time and day in fan. I did look into that a bit. The book you're referring to is called Bloodstains. The author is Jeff Mugget, the great, great, great grandson of HH Holmes, which was an episode a few weeks ago. I am skeptical of that connection. There is a composite sketch of what people

believe Jack the River looked like. It does resemble Holmes for sure, but it also resembles kind of a lot of dudes from that era with the big thick mustache and just the way they kind of dressed. There are facial similarities, but also kind of like, I don't see it and be like, oh my god, that's definitely him. And Holmes may have been in London during the killings, he might have been, but it's not

certain. Jeff Mugget submitted some handwriting samples from both Holmes and Jack Thriver for review. Handwriting experts did confirm the likelihood that they could stem from the same hand. There was that chance, but again, a lot of people wrote in a similar fashion back then as well. Penumanship, there was more conformity with it. And they weren't like, yes, this is definitely the guy. Also, there's just been there's been literally hundreds of suspects over the years. And a lot of people believe it was multiple killers. Various murders attributed to the same killer as part of some sensationalistic journalism, just to kind of sell papers and tabloids during that time period, which makes sense to me

based on the way journalists seem to be in general. I shouldn't say that. There's a lot of really good journalists out there, but there's also a lot of people who just don't go fuck about the truth and want to just sell some papers. I may do a Jack Ripper time suck down the road probably woebly doing one and may explore this further than. So sorry guys but I don't I just don't really buy it. To me it comes across more like this Jeff Mugget dude is just trying to sell some books more than throw out some

any that's incredible information. All right one more update. This is an email from Time Sucker. Timothy Dent, I'm not reading the whole thing. Just kind of a few excerpts. He sent me a fantastic email, very well laid out. And the subject line is Liberal Arts Education. And it says, hey Dan, I just finished aliens. I'm excited to see where this podcast goes.

One thing that has been getting to me is your insults on a Liberal Arts Education. You have made mention of your education many times and always in a manner that is less than glowing. I disagree with your stance on liberal arts, because I think it is the only way we are going to raise ourselves up from the idiocy of a country we have become.

Our current educational system teaches students to have a specific job, but not how to think critically. I do agree that happens a lot. High schools teach kids to take specific tests, and many colleges are more analogous to programming drones, to programming drones to complete the task than to actually think for themselves. I see this constantly with kids out of college

who are thrust into adulthood. They may know how to code a website, but they can't function when anything new is introduced, it doesn't fit into the neat little box that college has taught them to rely upon. A good liberal arts education teaches people to think critically and analyze the world around them. A good graduate of the liberal arts education teaches people to think critically and analyze the world around them. A good graduate of the liberal arts has a greater ability to thrive in the

workforce because they are more adaptable to change. They have the ability to learn or teach themselves rather than only accomplish the task that college has trained them for. I fully believe it is the lessening of the importance of the liberal arts and the humanities that has created the culture where we find ignorance acceptable. College trains people to focus on their little part of the world and to celebrate the fact that they are ignorant of anything else. I see what you're saying there. I don't know if it's easy to celebrate the fact that they're ignorant, but yes, agree totally about just focusing on one little part of the world and not seeing the bigger picture, which is a big problem. Your education may have

set you up for a neat little, or may not have set you up for a neat little career in the workforce, but it did reinforce the curiosity that was instilled in you by talking about the National Geographic magazines you read when you were younger. Please don't bash, show liberal arts anymore. It may not train people for a specific job or career, but it educates people on how to think for themselves,

which I believe is more valuable, Tim. Well, thank you, Tim. And totally correct, in many ways on there. I want to apologize if I came across as bashing the entirety of my education. If I've been doing that, I do believe. I do believe in the importance of critical thinking and a good level arts education. Very much so and I think that is very important. I think frankly that a fucking common sense course should be a requisite for literally any degree. You should know the manners of the culture that you live in, basic protocol,

and how to interact with other people. I'm just continually amazed. I talk about it a lot of my standup right now of just how fucking oblivious to basic civility. So many people seem to be. It drives me fucking insane. You know, I can use so many people seem to be. It drives me fucking insane. You know, drive so many examples, but here's my frustration with liberal arts education. I agree with the value of critical thinking

absolutely. What I don't agree with at all, and I'm just vitriallically opposed to, is the exorbitant cost. Check this out. Here's just some quick stats. I probably, and you guys, many of you have actually been writing in about a time-so-kept episode about the higher cost of higher education. And I am going to do that at some point. But check this out. According to a US news and world report article from 2015, liberal arts education costs increased 179 percent between 1995 and 2015,

in a 20-year period. Out of state tuition and fees at public universities where you can also get liberal arts degrees increased to 126% since 1995 to 2015. In state tuition and fees at public national universities increased a staggering 296% during that same time frame. Also in that same 20-year year period the median US household income increased from

$52,664 to $56,516 that's an increase of just over 7% that extra 4 grant isn't gonna do fucking shit when you're paying three times as much for a higher education 7% wage increase compared to anywhere from 179 to 296% higher education tuition increase. That's what paces me off. That is what makes, that's where my anger comes from. Good critical thinking skills can't pull everyone out of a crippling amount of debt

that they've acquired by the age of 22 years old, before they've even tried to buy a new car or get a new house. Right, I love my education, love it. Learned a lot of Gonzaga. But I hate an educational system that makes it nearly impossible for millions of Americans to either afford it at all or force them to take on so much goddamn debt they're never gonna be able to buy a house, never gonna be able to retire.

That is fucked up. That sounds like we gotta address in society. Because it can't continue. It can't continue. It can increase another 300% in the next 20 years and have wages increase less than 10% again. Or there's going to be the poor. They can't afford to go to school. And then there's going to be that tiny little,

where the middle class used to be as well. And there's that tiny little top of the rich at the top who can afford to have a good education complete with critical thinking and other important life skills. And that's where I stand on that. That is where I stand on that. So Tim, thank you so much. Sorry if I did not kind of lay that out properly beforehand. Love my education. Hate how much it fucking costs. And that's it for today's Time Sucker Updates. Thanks, Time time suckers.

I needed that. We all did. All right, Sasquatch. Versus Loch Ness Monster, let's get it on. And again, today I'm recording this episode remotely. If there's any noises, I'm doing the best I can to make this clear and no distracting background noises, but if you hear any, you know, I'm in a hotel room.

I'm traveling a ton lately, touring. And this is the best I can do for this one. So, so Sasquatch, I personally have never seen a Sasquatch. Let me start there. Never seen a big foot. However, I had a teacher in high school who told me in a few other classmates one day that he thought he'd probably seen one. The more I reveal about my upbringing, by the way, the more I realize how truly backwoods Idaho was, probably is where I grew up.

One of my favorite teachers told me in a few other kids one day back in Riggins, Idaho. The years earlier, he had been Elkhund, Central Idaho. He was looking at a ridge, suddenly out of the tree line. A few hundred yards downhill. He saw what he first thought to be an incredibly large man. Just walk out from the tree line alone and then walk right past some little rickety old shed. It was out there. Some little leftover from some old homestead before disappearing back into the trees. Now he's far enough away where he couldn't make out any like features. Couldn't tell

to dude was you know wearing clothes or some kind of pine forest tape wearing some fur. But he remembered noticing the man was definitely taller than the shed. So a little bit later he walks down the hill. He checks out that shed, and he says that it was at least eight feet tall. And he swore whatever he saw had to have been a full head taller than that. So he thinks he either saw some 9-10 foot mystery forest man or a Sasquatch. And that's what he believes. Now I should add, this particular teacher was rumored to have a fondness for some herb.

So he could easily have been a joint or two deep into his hunt and trip before he saw this thing. But his story stuck with me nonetheless, because he was an authority figure in my young life, sorts of knowledge. And he himself seemed to really believe it. I used to hope I would see a mystery ape myself one day walking around the woods of Idaho, but it never happened. I also knew some kids in Gonzaga, who gave other people some stories,

some siding stories that they probably still believe. Three kids I went to college with at Gonzaga and again in Spokane, Washington group, just outside of Seattle in a Issaquah, Washington, is just east of Seattle. And when they were in high school, they used to stay just seen, I guess, on the side of the local highway,

during dark rainy nights for fun, where a few of them would look and point into the woods, concerned like they were seeing something or hearing something scary. And then one of them, this kid, Sean, he would dash out of the woods wearing this big full-body Sasquatch suit he'd bought. Just he would roar, you know, towards his friends and then tear off back into the woods. And they would do this a bunch of times. And I guess cars would stop occasionally.

Occasionally, occasionally some people would get out. I remember them telling about a dude who got out in the scope in the area with a flashlight. I mean, if that shitty, blurry, old Sasquatch photo that's so often brought up can convince some people that Sasquatch is real. I am positive that my old friends can convince some other people that they saw some kind of Is a Qua Yeti.

Back in the late 90s. Yeah, I'm sure there's probably some people telling that story to this day. It was a dark and rainy night. Two young men right there on the car out of the car. They're on the side of that lonely road clearly terrified by the rumbings. Some beast in the forest. I pulled over. I grabbed the flashlight that I keep in my console for just such an occasion. And I bolted out not even bothering to grab my jacket. I knew something was a miss. No more than two seconds after departing my automobile, I sought,

both terrifying and magnificent, intelligent green eyes. Easily eight feet tall, muscled, agile. A small maid from China tag hanging from its right buttocks. Wait, wait, what? A tag. Hey, dinner! It was a creature from Primordial Times. Lark may have been like 5 or 6 feet tall. But, large, black, fur-covered-its-feet, which were also covering some old, new-balanced track shoes. Wait a minute! Why the heck are you- No, no, no, no! No, it was a fantastic beast I tell you.

Large, impossibly powerful hands connected to an ape-like torso, a small band of human skin could be seen between hand and arm. Wait a minute! That sounds like costume gloves connected to the rest of the costume. No, it was, yeah, okay, I don't know. Anyway, it was a Sasquatch. I don't know. Someone's telling a story. So what the hell is a Sasquatch anyway?

Well, Merriam Webster defines Sasquatch as a quote, Harry Creature, like a human, reported to exist in the Northwestern, US, and Western Canada, and said to be a primate between six and 15 feet tall, also called bigfoot. It's 15 feet tall, but the, no, that's ridiculous. Who has seen 15 feet tall bigfoot or bigfeats? The plural form doesn't work well for that animal. How has anyone not definitely found a creature that big yet? You cannot be a 15 foot tall ape and be stealthy. Do you understand how high 15 feet is? That's like shack standing on Yao Ming shoulders. I should probably flip that. Yao would probably be crushed standing shack or stand on. It should be Yao standing on shack shoulders.

You know, dude, dude has to be at least 400 pounds shack. Anyway, it's too tall. Let's agree if this thing is real. There is no way it's yow atop shack tall. Urban dictionary has a better Sasquatch definition. It says the official name of Bigfoot, a creature popularly described as being human-like and form, but massive in size, appetite, and shoe size hence the name. Often depicted as ape-like and bipedal, this hair-covered mammal is believed by arguably

delusional hippies to be the last surviving link between modern manned and our evolutionary past. It is believed that the creature resides in the dense force of the American-slash-Canadian Northwest. Due to the unconfirmed sightings of this creature in years past, the reason theorists believe it has survived so long is due partly to its elusive, defensively aggressive isolationist behavior, but also its ability to hibernate for very long periods of time after feeding seasons.

Arguably delusional hippies, well played, urban dictionary. That is fantastic and probably incredibly accurate. You know, I like the hibernation part. At first when I read it, it seems cool, but then I was like wait a minute You know like because the first I was like that's why we haven't found one. They're just they're sleeping They're sleeping in there in their south watch dense. They're hibernating you guys But then I was like well, how can we have them found a den? I mean if these things are eight to 15 feet tall That is a big-ass den. That's not a squirrel den. That's not a chipmunk den That's not a that's not a beetle den

Actually, I'm pretty sure that none of those creatures have dens. Maybe badgers have dens. I think they do. It's not a badger den, okay? It's not a badger den. It's a big den and it would have a big entrance. You know, some speedunker out there would have eventually wandered into a Sasquatch den, thinking they discovered a new cave. Some prospector were stumbled in, thinking they found an abandoned mine shaft, and then there's Sasquatch, there's Sasquatch. Just sleepin', they could take pictures,

they could take a selfie with the sleepin' Sasquatch in the background, but it hasn't happened. So the hibernation part doesn't work for me to longer, I think about it. After reading those definitions, like a total idiot, I actually Googled what exactly is a Sasquatch, looking for a definitive description of a creature that hasn't been defined. What the hell was I thinking I was going to discover? No, basically big mysterious ape is all you get.

I don't know what I expected. You know, some big-fought, big-foot doctor breaking it all down. All technical. Male Sasquatches are distinguished from females by darker fur, a bigger bonyer brow and increased size, weighing up to 1200 pounds. Males range between 7 and 15 feet tall, while females tend to stay between 6 and 10 feet tall. Also, males have deeper voices, larger feet, up to 3 feet in length compared to no more than 2.5 for females, and giant, hairless, veiny donkey cocks of up to a yard and length.

Males are known to attract females by rhythmically thrusting their hips in such a manner that the penis spins around, clockwise, much like a blade on a helicopter. And they continue swinging their giant penis in a circle like that, sometimes also accompanying the thrusting and the spinning with some light soothing whistling. While sounding strange, the ritual is known to have brought many a tear to a lumberjack's eyes. Of course there's no description. Of course. Now, there's just big hairy elusive apes hiding out there in fucking woods like Harry and the Henderson's, which is a great family movie by the way. It holds up. I just saw it again not too long ago with the kids. Man, let's go, man. It's so good.

So, given up on a real definition, I tried to find the origins of this legend. So, given up on a real definition, I tried to find the origins of this legend. Now, reports of a big foot-like creature have been published in the West since at least 1920s, thanks to a collection of tales by J.W. Burns, a government worker who retold the stories he had gathered from the Chihales natives in a Canadian newspaper article, many articles. However, the publication of a dude named Shipton, his photos, were initially what created U.S. interest in the creature. 1951, some supposed Yeti footprints become the real catalyst for interest in the Harry Giants known as the Abominal Snowman. It's interesting

to note here the proximity between the cultural arrival of the Abominal Snowman in 1951 and the UFO flying saucers in 1947. Apparently people are thinking about all kinds of weird shit after the horrors of World War II. In the case with Bigfoot prior to the early 50s, it was likely assumed that any native stories that describe such animals were merely just legends. But now there was a footprint. Now, let's do shipton and the Himalayas took this picture of supposed footprint from a Yeti, and I got publicized around the world,

and now people are thinking that there's Yeti's hanging around in the Himalayas and probably some sask watches in the Northwest. And prior to that, there were various wild men legends going back for centuries across the globe, like the mythology and Britain, where for some reason they seem to exclude things such as werewolves that have become popular nearby France, throughout the Middle Ages. Now, were these wild men of England known as Wood Wus' a cultural counterpart to the supernatural were beasts of other cultures and vice versa, is Wildman, you know, the werewolf and Sasquatch, are their mythologies all kind of intertwined.

We're writing for life's little mysteries, Natalie Woolchover, put forth the idea that reports of such creatures might stem solely from our psyches. 1996, a collegeist, Robert Michael Pyle noted that humans seem to have quote, this need for some larger than life creature. Woolchover quotes Benjamin Radford of skeptical inquire magazine who notes that quote, the idea of a wild man like other creature coexisting with us, but just beyond our understanding, is heavily rooted in mythology. So why do we believe that? Why do we need that? Does part of us long for a simpler time?

You know, when we could just forage and be free of modern life's responsibilities, stop worrying about health insurance, paying for college education, you know, tuition like I just described, social media, computers, you know tuition like I just described social media Computers traffic everything else we both love and it become beholden to for our modern happiness Just worry about finding some fish some nuts Some some berries for some dinner. Maybe a warm place to lay down and sleep. Maybe dig ourselves a little Little big-foot den not be eaten by some other creature. You know just keep a simple Now I'm really knows for sure. That's my best guess at this moment Little big foot den, not be eaten by some other creature. You know, just keep a symbol.

No one really knows for sure, but that's my best guess at this moment. Now, now there are a bunch, like I said, of random ancient tales of giant men on every continent but Antarctica, obviously, because no one lives in Antarctica, because it sucks. It never gets above 60 degrees Fahrenheit ever.

And March, actually, this month, temperature varies between negative 65 and negative 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Varies between fuck, that, and seriously fuck that for all of March. Anyway, all the other continents have some sort of big, hairy, wild man mythology. But for today's episode, I'm just going to focus on some Native American examples. We'll keep it on one continent. Now, as the early European explorers in the new world made contact with native tribes, their attitudes and beliefs were recorded in notes and diaries. Man, people used to love a diary. I thought about having a diary

as a kid. I think I had like seven entries and then I got distracted with video games. But it's these sources of information that we can, where we can find and understand more about Native American belief and Bigfoot, like Jose, Mariano, Mozino, in his book, Noticia, De Nuitca, published in Spanish in 1792, he wrote, quote, I do not know what to say about the Matlox, Sasquatch, inhabitants of the mountainous districts of whom all have an unbelievable fear. They imagine his body is very monstrous,

all covered with stiff black bristle, a head similar to a human, but much greater, sharper and stronger fangs than those of a bear, extremely long arms, and toes and fingers armed with long curved claws. His shouts alone, they say, force those who hear them to the ground, and any unfortunate body he slaps is broken into a thousand pieces." You know, you had me until possibly, you had me a little until broken into a thousand pieces. Too many pieces. Especially for one slap.

No one slaps that hard. Not even Chris Brown slaps that hard. See Rihanna for that cultural reference. Not even Tommy Lee slaps that hard. Go back further. See Pamela Anderson for that cultural reference. And no one shouts anyone to the ground. That's like some kind of mortal combat or street fighter two secret death move or something.

Okay. Another explorer Paul Cain talked about natives being frightened of the secret race of beans. His entry, March 27, 1847 reads, quote, when we arrived at the mouth of the cattle poodle river, 26 miles from Vancouver. I stopped to make a sketch of the volcano, Mount Sinhala, this is Vancouver, Washington. This mountain has never been visited by either whites or Indians, the latter asserts that it is inhabited

by a race of beans of a different species who are cannibals and who they hold in great dread. These superstitions are taken from a man, they say, went to the mountains with another and escaped the fate of his companion who was eaten by the scookoms or evil genie. I offer a considerable bribe to any Indian who would accompany me in its exploration, but could find no one, hardly enough to venture there."

Cannibal Sasquatches on Mount St. Helens get the fuck out of here. That's some silly boogie man stuff. That's some campfire stories. However, it does remind me of a badass pulp grind house, he western 2015's bone Tomahawk. Such a good movie. They got almost no recognition whatsoever. Eli Roth did not direct it, but it feels like it feels like a western that Eli Roth had directed. So if that sounds like something up your alley man, check that out. I got tipped off to it. Last year, very happy to watch it.

Alright, here's another old tale. 1901, Mark King, one of the best timber cruisers. Men who search out good, accessible strands of timber for the logging companies. He was in the BC province and he was known as a fine man with an enviable reputation for reliability. That's a quote. Enviable reputation for reliability. Oh man, people are like,

man, I wish I could be as fucking reliable as Mark King. He's like the most reliable dude. All reliable dudes I've ever met. Who says that? No one. Anyway, he was working alone of Vancouver Island, supposedly as his Indian Packers suddenly refused to accompany him.

They were fearing what they called the monkey men. It was late afternoon when King cited the quote man beast. It was bending over a pool, washing some roots. On scene, a king gave a startled cry and ran swiftly up the hillside. King described the creature as quote, cover with reddish brown hair. And his arms were peculiarly long and were used freely in climbing and in brush running.

While the trail showed a distinct human foot, but with phenomenally long and spreading toes. Sounds to me like an orangutan made it into Canada. I know that sounds crazy but think about this. They didn't have PETA back then. They didn't have animal protection agencies. Not a lot of trading bargos on exotic wildlife. Right? There was no endanger species protection. No permits. You had to get, I mean, you wanted a monkey. you could buy or catch a monkey. And that was it. And now you own yourself over a ring of tang, right? You wanted a ring of tang, you fuck, you go get it. Go get that monkey.

You go get that orange sunbitch. So I don't know. So maybe that happened. Maybe one of those escaped, or maybe he just made it up. Okay, 1907, the captain of the steamship, Kapilano, sailing up the British Columbia coast, suddenly found himself. this captain found himself being hailed by a canoe load of Indians,

frantic to get away from their small community of bishops' cove. They had been scared away by, quote, a monkey-like wild man who appears on the beach at night, who hows in an unearthly fashion between intervals of exertion at clam digging. At clam digging. Ah, let me get this straight.

An entire village of Indians, who by 1907 would be fully armed with rifles, good rifles, they all desert their community to escape one monkey dude, who has a serious hanker in for some claims. That never happened. How was that even printed? That is such nonsense. Look, I'm not the bravest man in the world

or even above average, possessing above average braveness. But I'm gonna tell you this, I'm not gonna let some little clam monkey kick me out of my home, okay? And if I'm with a group of armed men, we're not putting up with a lick of that clam monkey shit, okay? That ape can get the fuck out. Go find some clams somewhere else. You dickhead, or at least stop howling while you dig up your clams. Look, what's with the howling? What is with the howling? Like, I get to you love some clams somewhere else. You dickhead or at least stop howling while you dig up your clams.

Look, what's with the howling? What is with the howling? Like I get to you love some clams, but shut the fuck up about it. I love spaghetti and meatballs, but I'm not gonna scream during breaks from eating it. Has some decency. You clam monkey.

All right, here's my favorite Sasquatch story. I read this years ago. This is the tale of Albert Ostman. There's so many other stories like this, but this is the last one. I'm Sasquatch. This is the best one. This guy is an old-time Canadian prospector in Lumberjack. I don't normally lean on Wikipedia for any of this stuff, but he has Sasquatch, you know.

It gives the best summary of his story. Take this out. In 1924, Albert Osman, a lumberjack and tough woodsman, I like how they add tough there. Like what, what makes him a tough woodsman as opposed to just a woodsman? Did he swing two axes at the same time? Either both on the same tree, chopping down pines twice as fast as normal lumberjacks, or did he chop down two trees at the same time? Some kind of ambidextrous Paul Bunyan. You know, man, what a legend.

His name was Albert Ostman, man of the two axes. Chopped down his timber with the strength of Sasquatches. Anyway, this Ostman, he went to the area, quote, for vacation. Ostman had heard stories about the manbeats who supposedly roamed these woods,

but refused to believe them. Of course he did. He's a rational dude. As Osmond lay his sleep one evening, a sass quatch purportedly picked him up and carried him off while he was in his sleeping back. Just whisked him off, right? Like a scoop of potatoes. Just snuck him, just snuck his entire sleeping bag over his shoulder. What idiot sleeps completely inside of their sleeping bag? Ha, okay, anyway. Ossman was carried in his sleeping bag across country for three hours by the Sasquatch.

The Sasquatch dropped Ossman down on a plateau, standing around him was a family of four of these creatures. Albert was kept captive by the Sasquatch. The captors were three adults and a child, which held Ossman captive for six days. One of the big foots was reported as being, oh, I guess that's how you say it, big foots, that's the part, was reported as being eight-foot tall.

Osmond did not use his gun on them as they had done him no harm. I mean, that seems fair, why shoot him? Why even threatened to shoot him? Why even to shoot the gun on the air? You know, they didn't hurt him. They just kidnapped him, that's all. Just held him captive for a week.

No big whoop. He stayed with Just held him captive for a week. No big whoop He stayed with the big foot family a week. Osman 8 quote sweet tasting grass and quote they'd gave him What the hell according to Osman the female Sasquatch washington stacked leaves Oh sure. Oh sure though the woman asked Sasquatch got to do the washing Sure osman. Okay Albert escaped by making the large male Sasqu watch Groggy by feeding him some snuff. Snuff, that's his story. Seriously, you know what snuff is?

Snuff is pulverized tobacco that you inhale a little bump of to get a nicotine hit. First off, that is fucking gross. Snuff is so gross, don't do snuff. Second, why did he have a bunch of snuff on him in his sleeping bag? As he's sleeping when he gets kidnapped. So he just what, how it has like a pocket full of snuff? Has a little snuff pouch? To me, that sounds like a not well thought out lie. He had to come up with quickly when somebody interviewed him about the whole

ordeal. And he hadn't thought of, you know, the escape part of it. He's just like, well, I had some snuff, eh, my sleeping baggy, and I used to, I used to sleep with a small pouch of snuff hidden under my taint, eh? I used to call it my taint snuff, that's what I did. You know, some people used to think I'd say, this is funny, so some people used to think, these are the things I'd say, taint stuff, and that's when I would laugh.

At that point, I would laugh, and I'd be like, oh, I didn't have taint stuff. I know, come on now. I had taint snuff, eh? Yeah, okay. Nonsense. A bunch of nonsense. And then it says, quote, he did not tell his story

for more than 24 years after it happened for being fear of being thought of as crazy. As more Sasquatch stories appeared in the press, Albert decided to tell his story to a local newspaper, 1957. Because remember, 1951 is when the footprint came out, and now people are talking about it. Well, I watched the old YouTube video of Albert being interviewed and he seems full of shit. He lacks the passion, I think an old YouTube video of Albert being interviewed and he seems full of shit.

He lacks the passion, I think one would have if they spent six goddamn days with a mythological family of beasts. That would be the best cryptozoological tale, best find of all time. He talks about it as if he had spent a week with a couple of feral tabbuckets. But a lot of people in the comment section seem to believe him. Don Redleaf on YouTube says, I'veden the whole story of Mr. Osmond's encounter in his own words, and I gotta say, I honestly think it's a true story.

I don't believe the man is lying at all. Call me crazy, I will. But I believe Osmond. Too much detail that someone back then just didn't know about. Like what he seemed to explain as a saginal crest, barrel-chested padded feet. No way he made or dreamt it, just my opinion. No, he read about it in other Sasquatch stories, all right?

All right, Don Redleaf, Kai Schuner says, I've seen tracks myself in my hometown at Lake called Sagalake. I think I'm guessing Minnesota, Indiana, that's where some Sagalake started. You may not believe me, I don't, but I know that there were big foot tracks. Each track was about two or three feet apart, and the small ones were about a foot apart. And the big ones were, I guess, more

part. And both of them sunk in deeply. Well, there, well, there you go. There you go. It's decided. Nicholas Foddy says, well, he passed three lie detector tests and was questioned by a police detective who wrote an affidavit stating that he could not find one in consistency. Well, I think he did the old George Costanza thing from Seinfeld, you know, it's not a lie if you believe it. That's how you pass a lie detector test with nonsense. You become crazy enough to think it's the truth. I remember one time under the influence

of an enormous amount of LSD, I thought for sure I could have passed a lie detector test about how I had been in a coma for many years and that nobody I knew was real. They were just psychological constructs planted my subconscious by scientists trying to get secrets from me. That was my reality for a little while. Okay, legs like that on YouTube says, Albert Osmond is actually my great, great, uncle. Although I never got to meet him, I'm very proud to be related to this man. Our family never trusted his story, but I'm so glad to see here there are many people out there who don't call his story a hoax.

Hmm, family not believing him, not a good sign. To me it sounds like you file the Albert Osman story under the crazy uncle drawer. That's where you put it. You put it. You open up the crazy uncle drawer and you throw Albert Osman, all his fucking paperwork and that. And if you dig further into his old interviews about the incident and articles, his story does get even harder to believe.

He said this all happened back in 1924. He was born in 1893, so he's 31, okay? So you're 31 and you're camping way out in the woods by yourself. Bullshit. Who does that? Weirdos do that. I guess I shouldn't say bullshit. I believe he did that.

I believe he did that. But I also believe he's a weirdo, right? Because you know, I get it. You hike by yourself. That's normal. But according to Albert, he set out to take a vacation by himself in the woods after finishing work on a construction project. And he was gonna be out there for a week or so.

What? Uh, he also said he heard there were some lost gold mines in British Columbia, and he thought it'd be fun to find the lost gold mine. Again, who does that? Weirdos do that at 31 years old. That's something you dream about, like when you're 12. That's exactly the kind of, like when you're 12.

That's exactly the kind of shit I dreamed about growing up in rural Idaho when I was planning the woods all the time. But then, if you're a normal person, you start having sex, you discover beer and drugs and video games and other cool things, and you stop thinking about finding Bigfoot. Very unusual to be alone at 31 also by the way, in 1924.

That's the era when people had families, man. Almost everyone had families, and they started them young. You know, unless they were a completely socially undesirable nut job. It's not like Albert was out clubbing, doing some Snapchat. Still 31. Now he was looking for fucking old lost gold mines and hiking for a week on by himself in the woods like a Hermony lunatic. In one interview, Albert said that he took a steamship to London, British Columbia, and hired an old Indian for a guide. Man, that just keeps getting better. He found a wise old Indian to take him exploring. The old Indian

told him about another loner white man who had frequented the saloon in London, London by the way is like a little coastal 200 person, nothing town, 125 miles north of Vancouver, remote and tiny, the kind of place where weirdo goes to make up a story like this. Well, this other loner, white dude, apparently, would show up at the saloon with a new bag of gold every few weeks that he'd found in one of these lost mines. Uh-huh. That sounds reasonable.

Suddenly, he disappeared, though, but the local natives they knew would happen. They knew that an ancient race of giants living in the area had gotten hold of him. Those damn pine apes had scooped up another prospector, Dagnabbit. And then that old Indian told him that not many saskwatches existed anymore, but there were still some around. You know, because apparently he checks on them for him to know that. And then Albert, he hiked off by himself, and then got himself kidnapped by those very same saskwatches, who for some reason fed him sweet, sweet grass, sweet tasty grass

vitals instead of killing him. Guess he's some kind of big-foot whisperer. And then he didn't tell anybody about it for 30 years. Get out of here. I'm given Albert an A-plus for imagination, especially the snuff escape part, but I'm giving him an F for any truth to that story. Okay, so now let's talk about Sasquatch interest in the States really taken off in the late 1960s when the infamous blurry photo surfaces That's the definitive big-foot promo shot. All right This is the picture that most people think of when they think about bigfoot and it was it was a video still from some footage shot by amateur filmmakers Roger Paterson and Bob Giblin back in 1967 in Humboldt County, California, about 35 miles south of the Oregon border,

about 18 miles east of the Pacific Ocean and the woods around Bluff Creek. Now, the film lasts around a minute, it was shot on a 16 millimeter camera that Patterson had rented, and then kept longer than the rental contract allowed. He was almost charged with theft for it, a little insight into Patterson's character

that we'll learn more about in a bit. I've seen the footage on YouTube, and to me, it just looks like a dude, Nugger reallyillikostum, walking across a creek bed, being filmed by either a moron, who doesn't know how to work a camera. A camera, he just rented for long enough to clearly know, he should be able to use it, you know?

Or he's being filmed by a con man who knows that if he makes it shaky and keeps the footage short, it's gonna be harder for people to disprove it. And this Patterson guy, the main guy behind this film has a sketchy history. He had taken off down to California and his youth to try and sell some Wacadoodle hoop toy invention to his, like a maniac.

He'd self-published a book titled, Do Abominable Snowman of America, really exist in 1966. Started shooting an actual indie film about Cowboys hunting big feet, big footsuts in 1967, which means there's a very good chance he'd hired someone to play Big Foot and he had a costume already. He's a nut. It's not like he was some steady Eddie accountant who was taken to his annual camping trip

with his family and then a forest monkey just walked through their campground. That would be much more believable to me. In 1995, almost three decades after the Patterson, Gimlin Filming, Greg Long, a technical writer for a technology firm who had a hobby of investigating and writing about Northwest In 1995, almost three decades after the Patterson, Gimlin Filming, Greg Long, a technical writer for a technology firm, who had a hobby of investigating and writing about Northwest mysteries, shed more light on this film. He started interviewing people who knew Patterson,

some of whom described him as a liar and a con man. Marvin, Jerry Lee Merritt, Pat Mason, Glenn Coleen, Bob Swanson, all suffered financially for their dealings with him, as well as 21 different small local creditors who sued Patterson via a collection agency. Villain M. Radford claimed Patterson never repaid a loan made to him for a big-foot movie Roger was planning. Radford had a crop of evidence.

He had a $700 promissory note for expenses and connection with filming of Bigfoot America's Abominable Snowman. So he was filming this, trying to film some movie about Bigfoot. Patterson agreed to repay her $850 plus 5% of any profits from the movie. In 1974, Bob Kimlin, the dude who helped him film the blurry beast, sued Patterson's widow because Patterson died of cancer in 1972, at the age of 39.

And this guy, Kimlin, claimed he had not received his one-third share of the film's proceeds. He won the case in 1976. Patterson, by the way, did go to his grave claiming the film was real. Gimlin himself never admitted it was fake, but of course, of course not. You're not going to admit to a lie or a con when the lie or con is profitable. And the film was profitable, made an undisclosed amount of money. Another offer who wrote some big-foot stories Mary in place

You know she said about Patterson that he you know He really wanted to make this this this this movie he wanted to see some kind of big-foot because if he did quote if he succeeded He would be famous and rich and quote So here you have an odd guy who's fast with Bigfoot who's an amateur filmmaker amateur inventor Probably a con man of sorts an unscrupulous dude who wants to be rich and famous And wants to be rich and famous for discovering Bigfoot and that's who finds Bigfoot bullshit This was his opportunity to make some Bigfoot money make some Bigfoot bucks

And he did make some he allegedly made around 75,000 in one transaction when the BBC used his footage for a sass watch docu drama he appeared on the tonight show with Johnny Carson period on Merv Griffin to talk about his his film you know his little well his his his documenting the the existence of bigfoot you know they wrote about him and readers digest which was bigback then he got his 15 minutes of fame but I don't believe for a second he saw bigfoot because you even more evidence points out to the whole thing being a fraud, 36 years after the fact,

a dude named Bob, a Heronymous, finally Fested up, this was a neighbor of Gimlin, one of the guys involved, finally Fested up to being part of the roots. He admitted to having dawned a guerrilla costume and appearing in the 1967 footage of Bigfoot. The Washington Post reported that Heronymous's confession in a book was the making of Bigfoot written by Washington Post reported that Heronymous's confession in a book was

the making of Bigfoot written by paranormal investigator great long long says he spent four years investigating the 60-second film and the people behind it. He traced the Bigfoot costume to Philip Morris, a North Carolina gorillisuit specialist who says he sold it for $435 to an amateur documentary

maker named Roger Patterson. So there you go. Now a lot of Now a lot of Bigfoot believers have poured a lot of energy into disproving Bob's story about where in the suit, says he's lying, says he had nothing to do with the film, just trying to get his 50 minutes of fame also. I don't know maybe, but why wait so long to confess? And why is the random gorilla suit specialist lying?

Why is there a man in North Carolina specializing in making gorilla suits? Why is he named after the largest cigarette manufacturer in US history? So many questions. There's always a lot of questions when you venture into the paranormal. So let's recap. Although we've focused almost exclusively on North America, there have been legends and supposedly sightings about large, hairy, wild, non-human bipeds all around the world

going back for centuries. Canadians living in British Columbia seem especially susceptible to making up stories about Sasquatches. Some Sasquatches how and love clams so much, like more than you could ever possibly love clams. Albert Osman is complete and utter lunatic. Some old mountain climber thought he found a Yeti footprint in the 1950s in Himalaya,

and then everyone started wondering about new types of giant apes. The dude who shot the go-to proof of Bigfoot was an amateur filmmaker who dreamed of making a fortune off discovering Bigfoot and probably bought a gorilla costume from a gorilla suit specialist named Philip Morris, who may have been some type of heir to the Philip Morris tobacco fortune, which is the only way I can imagine him having the time and money to become a gorilla suit specialist living in North Carolina. Hmm.

All seems a wee bit sketchy to me. I have to say. Now, let's see how these sketchy tales stack up against Nessie. Let's find out how the Locke Nest Monster's story stack up against those of Sasquatch. First off, let's get to the definition. What is the Locke Nest Monster? Marium Webster doesn't even bother defining the Loch Ness Monster, but when you Google Merriam Webster and Loch Ness Monster, it does come up under the definition of hoax. It's used as hoax, which is our fancy pants word of the day.

Hoax, noun or transitive verb. A transitive verb is a verb that can take a direct object. In other words, it is done to someone or something. Most verbs are transitive verbs. Hokes used as a verb is defined as to trick into believing or accepting as genuine something false and often preposterous, for example. Samantha was hoaxed by a Nigerian email scammer, giving her last $10,000 to someone who went by the name of Reverend Dr. Johnson Williams, who claimed to work for the United Nations Compensation Payment Unit, New York,

but actually worked at a Burger King and Lagos, Nigeria. Hoax used as a noun is defined as, quote, in act intended to trick or dup, unquote, or quote, something accepted or established by fraud or fabrication, end quote. For example, Scout's McGee had created an elaborate hoax. He had convinced a coworker at Joe Joe's Quartz and Poreum that he rode a Chibacabra to work

through a combination of excellent Photoshop skills and having a highly gullible coworker. In reality, he pushed himself to work through a combination of excellent Photoshop skills and having a highly gullible co-worker. In reality, he pushed himself to work on a razor scooter he'd borrowed from his sister, which was how he got his nickname Scoots. So that's Maryam Webster. Now Urban Dictionary defines the Loch Ness Monster as a mythical creature said to live in a lake in Scotland.

And also has a quote, huge turd. The huge turd definition really made me laugh when I read it. And then I looked up from a laptop at Starbucks when I was doing the research for this and totally creeped out some lady who I happened to make eye contact with as I was laughing about a huge turd. When you go to Wikipedia, it states that in folklore,

the Loch Ness monster or Nessie is an aquatic bean, which reputedly inhabits Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. Highlanda, the Cabeoli one. It is similar to other supposed lake monsters in Scotland and elsewhere, and is often described as being large in size with a long neck and one or more humps protruding from the water. Now when did this interest in Loch Ness get going? It started from a shitty photo, similar to Sasquatch. The Museum of Hoax's website, Hoax's again, huh?

It gives some great information about the infamous surgeon's photograph, the surgeon's photograph of 1934. Now, so that modern history of Loch Ness begins in 1933, when a new road is completed along the northern shore of Loch Ness, providing easy access with an unobstructed view over the water. Soon after this a couple spotted a quote enormous animal in the lock. The Ivernus Courier wrote up their siding describing what they saw as a monster. Intense media interest soon follows and thus the name is born the legend the Loch Ness Monster. Now later

in 1933 the Daily Mail taken advantage of the Nessie cra Now, later in 1933, the Daily Mail, taking advantage of the Nessie craze, they hire a famous big-time hunter, Marmaduke Weatherall, to travel up to the Loch to investigate the sightings and to find the monster. If he could, although he found no monster in December 1933, he did locate what appeared

to be its tracks, enormous footprints on the shore of the Loch leading into the water. Unfortunately, when researchers from the National History Museum examined the tracks, they determined they had been made with a dried hippo's foot of the kind that were popularly used as umbrella stands, humiliated, whether or will retreated from public view. Ah, I did not know what's funnier. The dude's name is Marmaduke, that he used a dried hippo's foot

to make a lock-ness monster tracks. Or the back in 1934 or 1933 they were just casually tossing around hippo feet on the bottom of lamps. What in the hell? Like even if an animal wasn't rare or exotic or endangered, why would you want to use its foot for lampshade? That's so gross. Just having some preserved dead flesh to the bottom of your lamp. Actually, actually right as I say that, I realize that I'm wearing dead cow skin on my feet. Actually, actually, right as I say that, I realize that I'm wearing dead cow skin on my feet. And that I've worn a dead cow skin jacket. Letters sound so much better than dead cow skin, doesn't it?

Why do I add dead to that description? Like I'm worried that if I just said cow skin, you would somehow think I was wearing a live cow skin jacket. A living cow skin jacket. Man, a living cow skin jacket. Now, that's a fucking jacket. You don't fuck around with a guy wearing a living cow skin jacket. Because he is an evil, super villain. He's the flayer. He flays your skin and then wears it as a jacket trophy

until he's tired of your precious life. Oh, Marma Duke. Look what tangent you've set me off on. Okay, a few months later, the Loch Ness Monster again makes headlines when a highly respected British surgeon, Colonel Robert Wilson, come forward with a picture that appeared to show its sea serpent ride

using out of the water of the lock. Wilson claimed he took the photograph early on the morning of April 19th, 1934 when he was driving around the North Shore of Loch Ness. He said he noticed something moving in the water, stopped his car, took a photo, and for decades this is the one this is the photo you've seen of Loch Ness Monster. This was considered to be the best evidence of the existence of this creature. But then Wilson himself refuted, he refused to have his name associated with a photo. So then it became known as the Surgeon's Photo.

Now for years, skeptics were sure the photo was somehow a hoax, but no rigorous studies of the images were conducted until 1984. When Stuart Campbell analyzed the photo in an article for the British Journal of Photography, Campbell concluded that the object in the water could have only been two or three feet long at most and there was probably an otter or marine bird. He suggested it was likely that Wilson knew this to be the case. And now Marmaduke strikes again as it turns out Campbell was wrong. He was wrong about what he thought this photo was supposed to be like a little little marine bird or animal. It was not a form of marine life in that photo.

It was a toy submarine outfitted with a sea serpent head. This was revealed in 1994 when Christian Spurling before his death at the age of 90 confessed to his involvement in a plot to create the famous surgeon's photo, a plot that involved both Marma Duke, damn you, Marma Duke, and Colonel Wilson. Marma Duke, dang it, I was super excited for a second

to read that the photo I had always mentally associated with the Loch Ness Monster might be real. Damn you and your crazy British name. Any Marma Duke's listing, I was gonna apologize, but I don't actually, you know better than anybody, how dumb your name is. And I hope you go by Duke. And I hope you give your parents some shit

for naming you Marma Duke. Even after the Marma Duke cartoon came out, that big stupid dog back in 1954. Well, according to Spurling, he'd been approached by Weatherall, his stepfather, who wanted him to make a convincing serpent model. Spurling did this, and the model was then photographed in Loch Ness. The picture was then given to Wilson, whose job it was to serve as a credible frontman for the hoax, apparently, Weatheralls. You know, Marmaduke, his motive was revenge, whole Marmaduke's revenge. Since he was still smarting,

he was still a little upset about his humiliation during the hip-hop track incident. He said, we'll give them their monster, his son later remembered him saying, and the original version of the image, the diminutive size of the Nessie model in relationship to the lock can be seen. And I have both pictures available

to cropped photo that we are familiar with and the original image of this uncropped at Timesuckpodcast.com. And in the original image, it looks, yeah, you can obviously tell it's a tiny little thing. Well, then in 2012, a new photograph of the monster emerges in August of 2012, a photo taken by George Edwards was initially built as the strongest photographic evidence of the creature.

But then in October, George Edward's cruise boat operator said the picture taken near Urquhart Castle and beamed around the world by fans of Scotland's mysterious creature was just, quote, a bit of fun. And he was happy to join, quote, a rogue's gallery of hoaxers. Now when he published the image, he claimed it had been verified by a team of US military monster experts, as if we have that, that's so fucking great. I wish we had that team.

I wanna be on the team of US military monster experts. But then he realized, he said that was another part of the fabricated story. He said, there's no doubt all these pictures are fake. He told this to the Scotsman. Anyone who comes on my boat, I will tell them what I did and why I did it. The reason I did it was to put Loch Ness

truly and firmly back on the map again. Yeah, it's his livelihood, man. He's going to get more, uh, get a sell more Loch Ness tours. Why did he finally reveal it was fake, though, if he's trying to sell more tours, maybe the men in black got him. Hmm? Hmm? Conspiracy nuts. Maybe they got him. Okay, here's the origins of Loch Ness, because I didn't wonder like, where did this legend start originally? Well, the first recorded account of an eyeball to eyeball confrontation and sighting, first sighting as well, with the water serpent is a story of Irish saint, saint, Columbus, saint, Columbus in the sixth century, saint, Columbus,

so the story goes ordered one of his monks to swim across the lock and fetch a boat in 565 AD. The Irish monk had just encountered local residents burying a man by the river Ness. They explained the man was swimming in the river when he was attacked by a water beast which mauled him and dragged him underwater. Although they tried to rescue him in a boat, he was dead. Then the monster appeared and rushed to the swimming monk that sent Columbus out there, roaring in a most frightening way. Columbus cried out to the monster.

Go no further, no touch to the man. Go back. Well then the monster has said to have stopped immediately turned around and fled. Then the locals thanked St. Columbus and coined the incident, Miraculous, a miracle. It was miraculous intervention. Yeah, miraculous is right. If by miraculous, you mean fucking full of shit. Get out of here. None of that ever happened.

What a great story. I'm sure a lot of people started seeing the beast when that tail got shared around. Man, did lies ever get out of hand back in medieval times when there was no logical people around to debunk them? Okay, so here's some other, there's other Scottish monsters. Loch Ness is not the only Scottish Loch monster.

Other lox, a lock bean like an arm of the sea, especially when narrow or partially land blocked, or just a large body of enclosed freshwater, like a very large body, are said to have been witnessed over the years. Just south of Loch Ness is the much smaller, a lock oich, where a beast with a shaggy dog like had a scene to have been seen, said to have been seen.

Lock locky, that's a creative name. Somebody just gave up on that one. That's the fact that you can call it lock locky. It's better known as the Haunt of Lizzy. First report is being cited. 1929 Lizzy is said to have three humps and resemble a police yesor. A description sometimes used for Nessie. A police yesor is a large extinct marine reptile of the Mesozoic era. That era of geologic time from about 251 to 65 million years ago. With a broad flat body, large paddle-like limbs, typically a long flexible

neck, small head, all the photo up to that as well on TimesHackPotGas.com. Like Nessie, no siding of Lizzy has ever been confirmed. There's also tales that unlock Quiak, which like Locky and Oake is in Lockyber, as man, they just fucking throw around that term lock all over the highlands. Has a pleasy assort like Beast and It, Quiak's monster also has been described as a water Man, they just fucking throw around that term lock all over the highlands. Has it please you sore like beast in it? Queox monster also has been described as a water horse or a kelpie, a serpent with a horse's head. I'm gonna get create on that one. Lock a craig or a keg, our keg, there we go, our keg.

West of the Great Glen has a lake horse as well. It is also claimed in another lock, lock Marie. There's this thing that looks like a slug pig. And monsters are not exclusive even to the Highlands or the fresh water locks. Apparently, lock, LeMond has a beast reported to resemble a pleasy store, but it's also been described

as looking like a large crocodile. So many locks. So much fucking locksuck, you guys. So many weird lake monsters. I don't know if I believe any of it, but at the same time, I don't want to swim in any of those locks now. I'll be a little honest. I'll be a little nervous. The sea, some sea serpent is going to grab, grab hold of me. Well, okay. So here's a possible

explanation for all these locks. Richard Freeman of Devonshire Base Center for Fortune's Eulogy has visited both Locke Ness and Locke Morar and believes the sidings can be explained. He thinks it's all about eels. He said the idea of a prehistoric reptile in these cold northern lakes is an on-starter. However, the monsters could be some large kind of fish. I think the best bet are giant sterile eels. The common eel swims out to the Cergassos Sea to breed and then die. The baby eels follow scent trails back to their ancestral freshwater's, freshwater homes,

and the cycle begins again, but sometimes a mutation occurs in the eel as sterile. These stay in freshwater and keep on growing, known as e-nook, e-nook, sorry, known as e-nook eels. No one knows how they get or to be that big. Now, he says Mr. Freeman's had two Canadian tourists came across a 25-foot long eel floating in shallow water

off Loch Ness in February 2004. However, bullshits, niferatars like pen and teller have said that the giant eel theory is also total bullshit, that there's no evidence that a freshwater eel can get that big. No giant eel anywhere near 25 feet long has ever watched up on shore been definitively found. However, of all the crazy things I've read about during this episode, giant eel seems the most plausible. Not saying I believe it, but if I had to believe something, I would believe a giant eel, which to me is just as scary as a fucking sea monster. I have to do a little more digging on the eel angle.

I thought for a second, I'd found one of these monsters, so hard not to get tricked when you're constantly reading about all this hoaxes. An eel longer than some buses was reported to have been caught off the coast of Britain in May 2015. It was supposedly a 20-foot-long conger eel, weighing 131 pounds, after it was gut have been caught off the coast of Britain in May 2015. It was supposedly a 20-foot-long conger eel weighing 131 pounds after it was gutted and caught off of Plymouth and Devon. Devon, fishermen caught it by mistake after it became tangled in their trawler's nets. Supposed it was like 160 pounds before it was disemboweled. And you look at the pictures, 160 pounds doesn't do

justice. It looks massive. It looks like a sea serpent like a young sea serpent. Well, it turns out it's a trick just like the surgeons photograph in 1934 they used perspective to make it seem huge. It was actually only about seven feet long, but it's still kind of big and scary to me That's still you know big and scary You've probably heard about sonar, you know proof of nessie, you know using sonar to find this beast. I've heard about that About nessie a nickname by way, I was dumb enough to Google to try and figure out how it became Nessie. Because it's Locke Ness. They just added E. Nessie, that's how it's obvious.

OK, so again, various supposed sonar evidence, I thought was around, but turned out nothing convincing. In early 2016, Cohen's Bergmerid time used a Munich drone equipped with sonar imaging technology to do a little image map of the bottom of the famous lock. It is called the most in-depth survey of lock nests ever, was carried out, took them two weeks to do it, and it found no signs of the mythical monster, no signs of a lair, it supposedly was in. Dang it, it did find an old boat, it found an old boat used in the filming of the 1970 film,

The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes. Found that at the bottom, so that was kind of cool. Well, before this latest sonar test, there were rumors that underwater tunnels and trenches connected to various locks around there, and that's why the creature would show up in different places. And it turns out nothing, just a couple of interesting, you know, theories and some clever photographs.

But we're not done with Nelly Info. Got a little bit more Nelly Info, a little bit more big-foot theories and some clever photographs. But we're not done with Nelly info. Got a little bit more Nelly info, a little bit more big foot info with some weird facts. Number one, Loch Ness really is a big enough body of water to hide sea monsters. It is around 750 feet deep, holds more water than in all of the lakes and rivers of England and Wales combined. That's a huge and mysterious body of water. No wonder why people started speculating a giant creature was hiding it. Number two, in 2014 Peter Weimer owner of the Wewanshu cottages on Chattawa, Chattawa,

Chattawa Lake, New York, approached government officials on October 22nd asking for the creation of the first ever legislature enforcing, uh, are putting Bigfoot on an endangered species list. Claiming that there have been 17 confirmed sightings of Sasquatch in the area. Since 2011 alone, he brought a whole bunch of documentation to the legislation, their legislators. Pulling in historical documentation of the first sightings from the early 19th century, all the way to plaster cast, foot impressions found to supposedly belong to Bigfoot. Weimer was able to show the local folklore and even modern eyewitness accounts.

He was able to show that those supported his argument. The law makers did hear his plea out. They also visibly rolled their eyes and covered their mouths and laughter. Sasquatch was not added to the Endager Species List. I'm in. What a bummer, that would have been hilarious. Number three, around one million people visit Loch Ness each and every year generating around 25 million pounds for the local economy.

And 25 million pounds of money, a year guarantees we're bound to see more, quote unquote, evidence of Nessie's existence. Number four, if you are confronted by Bigfoot, offering it food will provide you with an 80% chance of survival. While crying, will provoke the animal to punch you in the face, according to Bigfoot Finder, a website dedicated to spotting the creature.

A website that sounds hilarious, good for them. Have fun with that. 5. This is the best one. The Thatcher government seriously considered an official lockness monster hunt. There was even talk of using dolphins from America to help look for it. How fucking great would that have been? American Dolphin Trainers hired by Margaret Thatcher in the British government to use their

dolphins to find a Scottish sea monster. That's a movie. High picture George Clooney playing the head dolphin trainer. And what would have been an epic comedy, probably directed by Wes Anderson, also starring Bill Murray as some American who moved to Scotland years before to captain a Loch Ness sightseeing boat now with some drunk weirdo. Ah, too good, too good, that's some fun weird facts. So that is Sasquatch versus the Loch Ness Monster.

Which legend do you believe? I'm gonna say neither, but I think Sasquatch is more believable because there's still a very small chance that he could be out there hiding somewhere. A lot of wood is the hidden, you know? The Loch Ness, that's been examined pretty thoroughly. Which creature is more ridiculous to imagine is real? I think Sasquatch is more ridiculous though.

Even though the lake has been searched thoroughly, a big sea creature of some sort, a sea monster still feels more, I don't know, normal to me, or more possible in a weird way, than a bunch of giant ape humanoids hiding out the woods somewhere, snatched in the occasional prospector. Which creatures group of believers is more insane? Oh, Sasquatch without a doubt.

I mean, there are some Loch Ness believers and people who have fun with the legend, seems a little more tongue and cheek with most of them. But there's a lot of people who have dedicated their lives to hunting Sasquatch. There's a show on Animal Plant called Finding Bigfoot that has been running since 2011. It keeps getting renewed. I haven't watched it myself because they haven't fucking found him. You find him and I'll watch, okay?

How many episodes can you make that end with, oh, man, I thought we had him. Dang it. Is there a snowball's chance in hell that either one of these cryptological legends possesses even announced the truth? Probably not, sorry guys. It seems highly unlikely that either legend is true. No definitive physical evidence has ever been found of either,

but what a great day if it ever happens. I am rooting for it to happen. I mean, if someone's gonna find one, by the way, I do hope they find Bigfoot. I hope they catch one alive. Can you imagine how cool that would be? Some sass squash got taken down with like a tranquilizer dart.

We have some YouTube videos if it's capture and go to the zoo, look at it, check out the Bigfoot exhibit, watch it, scratch sass under some pine trees and some enclosure. Actually, the more I think about that, it makes me a little sad. I think about Harry and the Henderson's and I think about Harry getting sad,

you know, that people are gonna not understand him. But, you know, but hey, if we found one, let's just take care of it really well. Let's, you know, let's make sure it gets some steak. Maybe maybe some kind of hot female gorilla to make love to some daily foot massages. Maybe a horse to ride around on. It's like some kind of plan of the apestime king. I don't know. If I missed a compelling case for the existence of either, you let me know. You let me know, I'll throw it in a Time Sucker's update. But for now, it's time for some top five takeaways. Time suck, top five takeaway.

Number one, modern interest in Sasquatch started with the alleged footprint of a Yeti found in the Himalayas 1951. Google Earth satellites haven't found a single maker of these footprints since it launched in 2007. Where are you hiding, abominable snowmen? 2. Albert Osman wasn't kidnapped by a family of Sasquatch's in British Columbia and Wilderness in 1924.

However, he may have discovered a time machine because crack cocaine didn't show up until 1984 and he was clearly smoking some crack to come up with his snuff, sassquatch, escape tail. 3. Even Saints Lie. Sixth century Irish Saint Columbus supposedly yelled at Nessie, don't know further, no touch the man, go back. Saving one of his monks from attack from a sea servant. If you think that happened, please email me at adminatimeshookpodcast.com.

There are a variety of fake things that I'm going to charge very much to sell you because apparently you'll believe anything. Number four, giant 25-foot long fresh water sterile eels are probably not a real thing. However, I'm not sure I can ever swim in a lake again if it has eels in it. They are incredibly scary looking, even when they're only five or six or seven feet long. I'm not even afraid of snakes, but an underwater snake is a whole other beast. I feel like one could bite off my penis,

if it wanted to, as I'm swimming on the top of the water. You know what I mean? And I don't want to, do you think about that? So even though I didn't uncover any scary myth, it's probably being real, I did make myself nervous about a new thing. Number five, the blurry photo of Bigfoot, we're we're all familiar with is probably the product of a North Carolina Apesuit specialist and a California con artist.

Bummer to find out the photo is fake but good to know if Sasquatch is real, there's a very good chance he's not actually blurry. Time suck, tough, five take away. Alright we did it everybody. Another time suck is complete but don't stop listening. I have some more news, some exciting news. Several of you have written and asking how you can help off the show, and many of you have suggested some kind

of PayPal donation button used by numerous other podcasts. Well, bam, it is here. If you'd like to donate to time suck, you can do so now. Just go to time suckpodcast.com. Same place you find all these episodes, pictures, correlating to each and every episode, right at the top of the site is that PayPal donation button. When you click it, it asks about donating

to bad magic productions. That is me, don't worry. Time suck shows right underneath that. Donate a dollar, $5, whatever you feel like donating to help the show out, know that your help and money is appreciated immensely. The money will go into a fund. I will later use when it builds up enough for some new equipment and some other show upgrades I just know that I won't accept more than a million dollars

Too much if you want to donate two million dollars. I want you to calm down That's too much for one donation you can donate one million and then next week you can donate another million if you have to Also, there's another way you can donate to the show that costs you nothing. This is even better. Cost you nothing. If you shop on Amazon, which I do for some things, I support local businesses whenever I can. But if they don't have something I need, an Amazon does. I order from Amazon. A company I hear treats and employees very well. And if you're going to buy something from Amazon, bookmark timestockpodcast.com,

use my Amazon link button. It just takes you right back to Amazon site, just like normal, just like you normally would, or if you're using a phone or tablet, click it on my button on my mobile site, take you to the Amazon app, and then when you order something, the show gets a little finder fee. See, a little finder fee, man,

finder fee is add up, because more and more of you are listening because you're talking about this podcast. I love that. So it's great, man, you get to buy yourself the same shit, you are already gonna buy yourself, and now you also get to help it's great, man, you get to buy yourself the same shit. You were already going to buy yourself. And now you also get to help the show. You love you get to feel even better about buying yourself shit. Win, win. Finally, man, teacher, you're going to be here soon. They're at the

printing press right now. Next week or looks like like by the latest the week after that, I'll be able to let you know about those. And also tour dates. I'm going to be at Hyena's in Dallas March 16 through 18 this weekend, Jacksonville, Florida, the Jacksonville comedy club the next weekend March 23rd through 25th, hilarious and Cleveland April 14 through 16, linked to more tour dates, more podcast episodes, the PayPal, the Amazon buttons, all the time suck podcast.com, keep listening everybody. I'm going to keep doing my best to make this thing interesting and improve it all the time.

And most importantly, time suckers, just keep on sucking. you