Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 331 - Julius Caesar: Roman Daddy Dictator

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Today we dig into the life of Julius Caesar and the final days of the Roman Republic. How was Caesar and what was Rome when he lived there? How did he transform himself from a random minor noble in a Republic full of fandom nobles, into one of the most powerful man in Rome and one of the most known historical figures of all time? Today's tale if full of alliances, betrayals, a very confusing Roman political system, and more as I try my best not to ruin the tale of the man who set Rome on the path to becoming an empire.  Hail Nimrod! Help Ean find Uncle Buck!  https://www.facebook.com/groups/703874246429031/permalink/2624879937661776/?mibextid=Nif5ozWet Hot Bad Magic Summer Camps go on sale for everyone Friday, January 20th, at Noon PT. Bad Magic Productions Monthly Patreon Donation: We're giving $14,533 to The Museum of Tolerance - the only museum of its kind in the world, and an additional $1,614  to the scholarship fund this month. Thank you, Space Lizards! The MOT is dedicated to challenging visitors to understand the Holocaust in both historic and contemporary contexts and confront all forms of prejudice and discrimination in our world today. For more information, you can visit www.museumoftolerance.com.Get tour tickets at dancummins.tv Watch the Suck on YouTube: https://youtu.be/hzDuCBaOWooMerch: https://www.badmagicmerch.comDiscord! https://discord.gg/tqzH89vWant to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever happens to be our most current page :)For all merch related questions/problems: [e-mail] (copy and paste)Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcastWanna become a Space Lizard?  Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcastSign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits.

If I fail, it is only because I have too much pride and ambition. The words of Julius Caesar. Julius Caesar is considered by many to be one of the greatest political and military leaders of all time. He won election after election against other politicians who often had more wealth and power, and he won battle after battle, even when he was often outnumbered by his enemies. He also won the hearts and minds of the Roman people during the time when the nobility was generally despised

Caesar was born into the noble Caesar family, but didn't have nearly as much wealth or influence in the Roman Republic as many other noble families Caesar was born during the final stages of the Republic when the government was full of violence and corruption He was also from an early age very ambitious as a teenager Caesar, Caesar began making advantageous alliances with other Roman nobles. He wanted to have a career in politics and he would claw his way to the top. In 60 BCE, Caesar would form the first triumvirate, and alliance with two other powerful politicians that would change Roman history. Caesar used the triumvirate to secure the consulship, one of the highest positions in Rome and governship of Gaul. Caesar would successfully defeat the Gallic tribes and conquer Gaul for Roman make a lot of money and establish his fame in the process, and

it still wasn't enough power or prestige for him. When he read about what Alexander the Great had accomplished by the same age, he felt like a failure and literally wept. It was never enough for Caesar. He was like the star of a Shakespearean tragedy pushed ever forward by vaunting ambition, constantly trying to fill a hole inside of him that could never be filled. And then when Caesar's allies turned on him and ordered him to lay down his command, he refused. The Senate turned against him. So he turned his vaunting ambition back towards Rome and crossed and marched back into a civil

war. He emerged victorious as dictator of Rome in 46 BCE, initially a dictatorship with a term limit. But that wasn't enough. He wanted more. He wanted to be named dictator for life. And in January of 44 BCE, he got his wish. And then the Senate really turned against him.

Some of them, enough of them. Caesar was assassinated on March 15th, 44 BCE by a group of senators who worried that he would now crown himself King and destroy the Senate and their democracy forever. Today, we will get to know one of the most enduring names in all of human history. Julius Caesar once a little-known noble who would romance an Egyptian queen and become dictator of Rome. Today we will discuss the end of the Roman Republic. a little-known noble who would romance an Egyptian queen and become dictator of Rome. To date we'll discuss the end of the Roman Republic, Julius Caesar's life, political conflicts

his assassination in this historical, I don't know which words I'm going to mess up this week, but I know I'm going to mess up a lot of words for the glory of Rome! Historical, biographical, check this motherfucker out, edition of TimeSuck. This is Michael McDonald and you're listening to TimeSuck. Oh! You're listening to TimeSuck. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Happy Monday, meet Sacks. Welcome to the Cult of the Curious. I'm Dan Cummins, the Suck Master, Italian Master of Class and Structaro master, a clasaran, stracterino, a butcher over Latin. And you are listening to Time Suck.

Hail Nimrod, Hail Lucifino, praise both jangles and glory be to triple M. Another big summer camp announcement, I will try and keep as short as possible today. Holy shit, this week suck destroyed my brain. Big props to teachers and professors who cover the Roman Republic. Just a wee bit of information to wrap one's mind around.

Looking forward to sharing what I have wrapped my mind around this week with you before I make my announcements here. I apologize, there was no dick in last week suck. Not a single Richard didn't realize that until after I recorded what a bummer, how tragic. I got excited for a second. I thought maybe Raphael was Italian for Richard. Now Ricardo is, but now one fucking Ricardo.

Sure hope at least a little bit of dick shows up this week. Maybe maybe some daddy dick. That'll make sense to my promise. And again, much quicker with announcements this week, Space Lizards. Listen to the secret suck for more details on this year's summer camp, or at least check your Patreon posts for where to go this Wednesday, January 18th at noon,

campers from last year, check that Facebook post in the camp group on Facebook, check your emails, tickets on sale for you, the day this drops noon, specific time, and then Friday at noon, everyone can go to badmagicmerts.com to click the banner, to head on over to the camp ticket site. At least watch the little promo video we made for it. God, I love it. Nice cuts from last year with cuts of the current camp we're going to.

And there will still be tickets as of this Friday. I will be shocked if they're all gone by then. I highly doubt that just based on the number of people who went last year, the capacity we have for this year, I'll know more next episode. Also, thanks to anyone who came out to the Spokane shows to kick off the Bernadol down theater tour. I'm recording this just before that show. Boise shows are looking sold out for this weekend excited for those in the Kansas City

trending towards selling out. I think the St. Louis shows already sold out. Then off to Sacramento had that added show there, Denver may not be tickets for Denver, then San Antonio, Dallas, and more our tickets in Texas. Come on, Texas. Dancomas.tv for tickets. And Vancouver, sorry that that show has been canceled. I will explain later why the show is no longer. All those shows are good. Don't worry about the rest of those Vancouver tickets will be refunded. If you don't get refunded, just contact the venue. It's just a bit lengthy to explain now.

But essentially, I'm a, I want to Canada's most wanted criminals. I know, but I went over this week's Secret Suck and I will provide more details on a future episode. Right now, I need every brain cell I have left. Fassiza. This week I kicked my ass. Both kids' birthdays were the week of this prep

and recording Happy Birthday, Game and Road, Kyler. We don't have two basketball games. Prep three episodes, a scared death, then a lot of summer camp stuff for the wet out bad-mating summer camp, this September so excited. A lot of sleep was lost. It's monkey tired, but also fired

up on caffeine. And then I'll sleep tonight. Nice. And then one more thing, a tech update real quick, a friend experiencing episodes skipping around. We did find out from our contact Devin, the external distribution manager and stitcher podcasts, the man who oversees our RSS feed and knows a lot about this shit that the issue is not with the feed, but rather the app you listen to in all likelihood. Tends to happen on Apple podcasts or Spotify. Comes up here and there. It's happened for a few years on a lot of different podcasts. In short, it's just a streaming problem with the app that can be solved by downloading

episodes and listening to them that way or reinstalling your app. And if those two solutions do not work, just message us and we will look further into it. That seems to have fixed it for everybody we've talked to you so far. And that's it. And now, as they say in Italian, a macarone masarare fa sache te te lasso a bugata sees a salad of golden girls, a barbinga,

a cleopatra as a spice of midball, a wish I was an eating a maple bar for some reason, a movie being a forget about it! That was Italian for a quick preview of Caesar, then an overview of the government of the Roman Republic, and then a timeline of Caesar's life. Let's fucking go! Becky Little, writing for history.com, wrote the following of the Roman Republic. Caesar was born into. Imagine a world in which political norms have broken down.

Senators use bad faith arguments to block the government from getting anything done, and autocrat rigged selections gives himself complete control over the government. Even stranger, many voters subscribe to the autocrat's personality cult and agree that he should have absolute control. Welcome to Rome in the first century BCE the Republic that had existed for over 400 years had finally hit a crisis It couldn't overcome. Rome itself wouldn't fall, but during this period it lost its Republic forever. According to Edward J. Watts author of Mortal Republic, how Rome fell into tyranny, the Roman Republic functioned so well as a system of government for centuries because there were

established political norms and there was no violence, land theft, or capital punishment, at least not within Rome's political processes itself, and then that would change. In 133 BCE, three decades before Caesar's birth Rome experienced the first political murder in the history of the Republic Tiberius Grochis and elected official tried to redistribute land for the poor He was seeking a second term But when a fight broke out between his followers and opponents he was beaten to death with wooden chairs Sounds like a rough way to go Senators then helped a murder almost 300 of his followers.

And you know what? Fucking good. Of course they did. What the fuck was he thinking? Land for the poor? Ha ha ha ha! What a crazy notion. What would they even do with land?

They're poor. They'll just litter it with busted up chariots and dirty-eyed, or dirty, dull-eyed kids. What's a dirty-eyed kid? I should've just ran with that. You know how poor people have dirty-eyed kids. With all their... That's what helps them stay poor.

They can't fucking see anything. Cause they just live and filth, and it's just covering their eyeballs. I would seriously. Not surprised when he was killed by a bunch of wealthy or aristocratic senators. They didn't want to help the poor. Now things started to give a bit more chaotic in Rome, especially because starting just a handful of years before Caesar's born, the way Rome redefined its military will really shake things up in a way that will

make the Republic unsustainable and set Rome on a path of changing from Republic to an empire just made it inevitable, I think. Julius Caesar was born in the middle of a chaotic period of the Roman Republic and his death and more importantly, how he personally shook shit up and his final years before his death would help bring about the end of the Republic. Adrian Goldsworthy, not just going to do a suck full of book quotes, by the way, but wrote in his 2006 book Caesar, Life of a Colossus, Life of a Colossus. He was a politician and statesman who eventually took supreme power in the Roman Republic and made himself a monarch in every practical respect, though he

never took the name King. In his 56 years, he was at times many things, including a fugitive, prisoner, rising politician, army leader, legal advocate, rebel, dictator, perhaps even a god, as well as a husband, father, lover, and adulterer. What's he good, dude? I don't know. So hard to judge the morality of someone who lived so long ago. Hard not to fall into the trappings of presentism and try and impose the paradigm of modern morality onto this person who lived so long ago, even though it doesn't make any sense to do so. He certainly was a dude who lived one hell of a memorable life.

One of the most memorable lives of all perhaps. Did he do what he did for the glory of Rome? Maybe in his mind, but I don't think entirely seems to have been based on a lot of ego and ambition. You know what he did probably did most of what he did for the glory of Caesar. Caesar was born during the Roman Republic, but he was born into a Republic full of corruption, violent political rivalries and class hierarchy that mostly benefited the wealthy. So either fuck would he want to be a part of that mess as a young man, as a Britannic online encyclopedia rights, uh, the requirements in the cost of a Roman political career in

Caesar's day were high and the competition was severe, but the potential profits were of enormous magnitude, right? Money. That's why I wanted to get into this money, money and power. And yeah, but a lot of money. I can hear some of the pink Floyd lyrics right now, right? Money, it's a gas, grab that cash with both hands, make a stash. I mean, you know, Roger Waters sings it better,

but there was a lot of money in Rome to be made in politics, like the most, if you rose above the heap, you became, if you could become governor of a province, you know, what you'd, you'd also be like a general oftentimes, you could get all kinds of tributes from those you conquered. You could collect all kinds of spoils of war. In season of time, Roman nobles distinguished themselves and their families by winning elections

to hire and hire public offices, culminating in console. It was very difficult to get elected all the way to the top unless you had a lot of family wealth and influence. The classic, it takes money to make money. Noble families active in politics tended to have a lot of wealthy clients. So you had to be good at getting some wealthy friends if you wanted to climb that ladder,

who would give you political support. Ancient equivalent of today's lobbyists. Greece and Palm, scratch and backs. Lobbyists maybe in campaign contributors. These clients can be private individuals, foreign leaders, even entire countries. One of the special privileges that came with being elected a council or a preter was governing a province. I'll explain these positions here real soon.

And again, governing a province, that really allowed you to build a lot of wealth, right? Just plunder the fuck out of it. According to Britannica, the whole Mediterranean world was in fact at the mercy of the Roman nobility and of a new class of Roman businessmen. The equities, kind of knights, which had grown rich on military contracts and on tax farming. And you can replace equities with governors. Peasant supply, military manpower during Caesar's day, which was new.

Rome was changing drastically. Earlier in the Republic, all Roman men of a certain age who could afford to supply their own weapons and other equipment who could pay for their own battles, essentially, they would fight for Rome when called upon. They would they would fight for Rome when called upon. They would have to fight for Rome when called upon or suffer consequences. Landowners and nobles did a lot of the fighting. And they had something to fight for, building their wealth throughout conquests and spoils of war and also not losing the shit they already had to enemies.

But then thanks to the Marion reforms implemented just seven years before Caesar's birth, a new standing army was created. And this is what I alluded to earlier about how this military reform is going to change everything. Now, not just people of means would fight when needed, and actually they would kind of stop fighting. It would be the peasant class. Rome's many territorial expansions in recent years and an increasing number of adversaries,

thanks primarily to those expansions, necessitated now larger armies. And the old ways of recruiting were just no longer sufficient. More bodies were needed, a lot more, than way too many provinces to govern, too many enemies at the gate. So now being a soldier became a career option, and soldiers were generally conscripted from the poor classes for the first time. In this reform also granted citizenship and land to Roman soldiers. So if you were poor, landless,

if you weren't a Roman citizen, go become a soldier. Right, it could change your life for the better, drastically go get those spoils of war, change the course year of family's history. The reform also put the responsibility of supply and managing an army in the hands of generals. The state would pay for a lot of the supplies, but the general would administer the army.

And now these generals could build a lot of wealth and loyalty. A lot of wealth for spoils of war, a lot of loyalty through getting their soldiers, spoils of war enough sometimes to no longer need funding from Rome and be able to just kind of go rogue. These generals men, to become a general, you don't have to level up through a bunch of military training. You just had to have the right political and financial backing

uh... these may want to go conquer new land so they could have it so they could build their own you know wealth and fortunes you know all around the Mediterranean and a good general gave them both land and wealth for the trouble of risking their lives and killing enemies of Rome the positive for this reform was much bigger armies for rom you know who are much more incentivized to go kick as much ass as possible, expand as far as possible. Much more professional armies were now always ready to fight, which aided empire expansion greatly.

The negative was now the military was a lot harder to control. Now, if you commanded a powerful enough army, you could take over the Republic. And that's what, of course, happened with Caesar. And also, and I didn't know this happened before Caesar. Caesar would see this happen, what he was going to do when he was in the late teens, a version of it, and Lucius Cornelius, Sulla Felix, aka normally called Sulla, a Roman general and statesman won the first large-scale civil war in Roman history and became the first man of the Republic to seize power through force force becoming a dictator for a few years before voluntarily stepping down to go live a quieter life.

So yes, Caesar was not the first dictator to take over the Roman Republic through like the violent means. Silla was the Roman Republic, one of the earliest examples of representative democracy in the world. Again, was in trouble when Caesar was grown up and Silla proved that people now wondered The Roman Republic, one of the earliest examples of representative democracy in the world, again, was in trouble when Caesar was grown up and Sulla proved that. People now wondered who would be the next Sulla? Would Roman return to being ruled as it was in his first few centuries before the Republic,

you know, by a king or a king equivalent? Could democracy last? As written again in Britannica, it was fairly clear that the most probable alternative was some form of military dictatorship backed by dispossessed Italian peasants who would turn to long-term military service. The traditional competition among members of the Roman nobility for office and the spoils of office was thus threatening to turn into a desperate race for seizing autocratic power. And one of the men racing to seize that autocratic power would of course be Julius Caesar.

I think I'd say you speak Roman names, right? Like if you're doing a Roman production, I am Julius Caesar. At your service, well, he wouldn't say it. Caesar was a man who came from a noble family, but not a particularly influential or powerful one of the time as birth. Caesar's father died when he was just 15 years old,

some sources, a 16. And the ambitious young man was thrown headfirst into it. Yeah, as I said a few times, very violent chaotic political world. Young Caesar was determined to make something of himself and hot damn what he do that. Caesar left such a lasting impact on ancient Rome. He was deified after his assassination.

You know what? I want that too. Nothing crazy. I just want like a little deification. Just let me become like a minor god. Just like a little god, you can worship with like a little statue you can put in your garden or bathroom or something.

Just a dynacus, god of weird knowledge. You can pay tribute by just putting down some trivial pursuit cards or stuff like that in front of the statue, maybe like a donut or or something this little statue of a big headed bearded dude with some decent muscles But also a sizable waistline a boot-of-like figure with a higher hairline let it be so Okay, now before we examine his life and learn a lot more about the Republic in the timeline Let us learn the basics about the type of government that he became immersed in and learned to skillfully navigate before leading an army against Rome to take it over and change

everything. Stress on the basics of this government right here. To thoroughly explain this would take hours and hours and eventually even I would fall asleep because I started to find the minutiae of all this pretty fucking boring after a while. But I like the synopsis To begin to understand how Rome's government worked who got to participate in this Representative democracy like who got to vote citizens hail Nimrod male citizens sorry, there's a phena

Freeborn women in ancient Rome were citizens, but could not vote or hold political office. They were like citizen light. Because of their limited public role, women also named less frequently than men by Roman historians. Sorry, ladies. Social structure of ancient Rome was based on heredity, property, wealth, citizenship, and freedom. There were three broad classes of society in Rome, Roman citizens, non-Roman citizens, and then slaves. Each group having more rights than the one beneath it. And there were subclasses like

petitions, plebians. So who were Roman citizens? Well, initially when the Roman Republic first got going centuries before Caesar's birth, citizenship was granted only to those freeborn over the age of 18, listed as over the age of 15 and some sources, living in or like just outside of the actual city of Rome. I'll probably repeat a lot of this going forward, this a lot, excuse me going forward, but the details change about the Roman government from source to source quite a bit because Rome was around for so long and the laws were always changing as it kept going, you know, based on who was in power during the Republic, new people were in positions of power like every year literally a lot of

turnover in the top positions. Everyone wanted to make their mark on the government, create their own legacy so that the change with the previous person did, yada yada yada, as Rome became more powerful and gradually expanded, you know, so did citizenship, what that meant. And, and, you know, and who got to be a citizen? More and more new people were becoming part of Rome as more territory was being conquered, leading up to Caesar and during his life. You know, previously lies people excluded from basic voting rights, property rights, and they were getting f**king pissed and rebelling. They were burdened with taxation and military conscription, but not given many privileges. You know, you don't give someone enough to

lose. And of course, they're gonna come after your shit. So between 70 BCE, a few decades before Caesar's death and 28 BCE, roughly three million new people were added to the Roman citizenry register. Thanks to opening up the possibility of who could be a citizen. The times were changing. By 89 BCE, when Caesar was around 11,

all free-born members of the Italian Peninsula below the river Poe, just making sure I said this previously thing right, okay, did have been granted full citizenship. Prior to that, they gradually begun to enjoy most rights of Roman citizenship except the right to vote and hold various political offices. To include people of other territories within the borders of Romans, of Rome Rome's empire to give them citizenship was to give conquered peoples a reason to be loyal to Rome. Much more reason. Rights of citizenship included the right to vote, the right to hold political office,

uh, hold legal property as a Roman citizen, which helps keep you from losing your property. Uh, you could also now have a legal Roman marriage contract or immune from certain taxes. You had a right to sue in the court system, have a legal trial, appeal a judge's ruling, the right not to be tortured. Prior to the expansion of Roman citizenship, even if you lived in Roman territory and paid Roman taxes, a lot of taxes, if you weren't a citizen, well, some Roman could theoretically take your shit, take your wife, since she wasn't really your wife, since you didn't have a Roman marriage certificate, torture you, you kill you possibly face no punishment. You had nowhere near the rights of a Roman

You were a you were a conquered savage a subhuman thing in some ways Not as lowly as a slave, but not nearly as important as a Roman citizen So how do one prove Roman citizenship once you once you had it? Through pushups you had to knock out a hundred in a minute solid form, touch or chest of the ground, or you could fuck off and die. No. The Romans had birth certificates, grants of citizenship, military diplomat has had various official documents. They could carry around.

They would prove that they were someone not to be fucked with. And of course, requirements to be a citizen, what rights it carried again, changed throughout the years, throughout Jesus Caesar's life even. Citizenship in ancient Rome was complex based upon many different laws, traditions and cultural practices. There existed several types of citizenship determined by one's gender, class, political affiliation, exact duties or expectations of a citizen would very throughout the history of the Roman Empire and from place to place within it at points.

With citizenship also came responsibilities. For example, Roman citizens were expected to perform some duties to the state in order to retain their rights as citizens. Failure to perform citizenship duties could result in the loss of privileges as seen during the second Punic War against the Carthas. Oh my gosh. Carthaginians, there we go, when men who refused military service lost their right to vote. By Caesar's time, though, being a male citizen no longer meant you.

You had to fight. You didn't have to worry about that anymore. You could be a businessman, politician, sandal polisher, toga stain remover, little Caesar's pizza franchise, I don't know, whatever. Basic citizenship overview complete. Now I want to go over some summarized definitions for five terms within which there will be more terms. Terms key to beginning to understand the Roman Republic. Patritions, plebians, or plebs, sometimes pronounce plebs, preters,

sometimes pronounced pretoors, consuls, and sensors. I think that's five. Now I'm questioning myself. All right, petitions one, believe me, it's two, preters three, cards. Okay, yeah, all right. I counted right. Good for me. The petitions were the group of ruling class families in ancient Rome think British aristocrats and nobles. And then later towards the end of Republic, super successful businessmen and landowners. Well, you had to initially be born into this class. The term pet term petition lost more and more meaning as indistinction has time went on. Shortly before the Republic fell by Julius Caesar's time, there was so few petitions left that special law was made for the enrollment of new petitions. They had a fucking noble shortage. The petition families had dominated Rome for centuries

by the time of Caesar. They did still have quite a bit of power and prestige. And he began to ascend towards his takeover, but you know, dwindling. Things were unraveling, getting muddy. The empire had expanded so much, so quickly, too fast. There have been so many intermarriages, new laws, more favorable to the working class of Romans passed over the centuries.

As American science fiction author, Philip K. Dick once wrote, no structure, even an artificial one enjoys the process of entropy. It is the ultimate fate of everything and everything resisted. Entropy, a gradual decline in two disorder, many think the natural fate for everything. The second law of thermodynamics, a closed system energy flows from order to disorder. And over time with Rome, as with every other great empire from years past, eventually disorder prevailed, right? And the crumble by the time a season, Rome, as a republic, was crumbling, was heading into disorder,

further and further into disorder. And they would later return to a state of order within the Roman Empire. And then entropy would do its thing all over again. And the empire would now crumble. Rising and falling, coming together, unraveling the natural order of the world until eventually everything totally unravels. Can we ever defeat entropy? I skimmed some cool science article on inverse dot com titled to beat death and become immortals. We first must defeat entropy.

And then subtitled if we hope to tackle immortality, we'll need to start from scratch and investigate whether it's even thermodynamically possible. Fasting, right? I know it's a very tangential thought, but I wanted to share it. Back to the word, Patricia now, in full disclosure, I wanted to mention entropy also so I could reference Philip K. Dick. I had to make sure that I got at least some dick in his suck. And for last week's dick drought.

Yeah! Back to some dick in the suck. And for last week's dick drought. Yeah! Back to some dick. The word patrician comes from the Latin potrace, meaning fathers and these daddies and their families provided the empire's political, religious, and military leadership. I think we should call the patricians daddies quite a bit going forward, don't you?

Fucking daddies were running Rome. Had been running Rome for too long and a lot of the kids were sick of these daddies They were sick of having listened all these daddy rules Most initial daddy petrations were wealthy landowners from old families, but the class over time Became open to a few who had been deliberately promoted by the emperor and then it would be opened up a little more than that Even according to Livy Roman historian alive at the time of Christ, so not that long after Caesar, the first 100 men pointed at senators by Romulus, found to have Rome, back in the eight century BCE

were referred to again as fathers or daddies, and the descendants of these honky father daddies became the Petrician class. Did you have any idea that you were gonna get so much hot, honky, father daddy action? Did you have any idea that you were gonna get so much hot? Honky father daddy action in this suck so much daddy's today The daddy's of your dreams call one night hundred hot daddy To talk to real nude rock hard father daddies today

Sorry, that fucking nothing to do with Rome you knew that I was just hoping that at this point in the episode that you might have felt safe. Maybe safe enough to blast us on your speaker work and then you fucking boss walks right in the room, right as I start saying stuff like hot daddy on daddy action. Wet daddies, hard daddies, rippled father daddies covered in olive oil, maybe your own juices glisten in the sun. Call one night hundred daddy juice for all that Roman daddy. Mama mia, that's a spice of meatball. I think I know that now.

It was very fun for me to do it for some reason. Anyway, this origin tale about the daddies is also included in an account by Sis Row, contemporary of Caesar, the appointment of these 100 daddies into the Senate, they have a notable status. And then their descendants kept increasing those daddy ranks, a couple more quick things. Members of the Senate generally serve for life

unless some kind of criminal action or serious scandal, got them tossed like if you killed 100 Roman children or the public found out that at one time in another country, 12 years back, you drove a chariot run drunk. You know, something evil and unforgettable like that. So that it might keep you out of Canada. So that we improve that you're a dirt bag of lowest order. Come on. Maybe I am going to explain my why I can't go back over. I'll give more details to another son. Back to senate facts. Generally, there were between 305 500 senators. By the time Caesar took over Rome,

there were around 600. And then he added about 300 more. Many of the new faces were equestrians. People coming from random Italian towns not called Rome. Some even came from Gaul. Equestrians or equities ranked right below senators. The equestrian class is their name as far as like nobles. As their name suggests, we're originally composed of the Roman cavalry, and then their rights and powers morphed over time. Think of them as the second most powerful class of property owners right behind all those hot landowner and father daddies. Roman equities were also compared a lot to medieval knights by historian or have been.

In early Rome, the equities were drawn from the senatorial class. From the beginning of the four century BCE, non senators would become enlisted in the cavalry. By the first century BCE, foreign cavalry tended to replace them in the field and thus restrict the equestrian order to post as officers or members of the general staff. By this time, the equities had become a class distinct from the senators. Unlike senators, they were legally free to enter the fields of commerce and finance. Known as a public conny, those who were businessmen enriched themselves by securing contracts to supply the army and to collect taxes and by exploiting public lands, mines, quarries, and provinces and such,

they ended up kind of becoming like a Rome's IRS agents. IRS agents who exploited the fuck out of the provinces. A lot of Rome's wealth came from exploiting the provinces. Say Rome decided to build some lavish building and they needed five billion Sestatus or Sestatus. Oh my god, Sestatus. Fuckin' whatever. They will charge the public economy to go collect it from whatever province and then the public economy the, uh, public honey to go collected from, who, you know, whatever

province. And then the public honey will then hand that money over to the Senate. But then, uh, you know, maybe they collect a little extra, maybe they collect six billion or seven billion and then they just keep a change and they make a lot of money. And this way the equities became a very prosperous business and land owning class, eventually forming one of the republic's top three political groups in a growing power struggle in Rome. On to the second big term now, plebian, the plebs, or the plebs, what do people say plebs? I like plebs.

Plebs remember the general body of free Roman citizens who were part of the lower strata of society, the working class, and again since the Roman Republic lasted for almost 500 years, from 509 B.C. to 27 B.C., things changed quite a bit over time for them. By the last stages of the Republic during Caesar time, the Pleiades had gained a lot of power and rights compared to where they started. They could hold various political offices, such as Tribune. A Tribune could veto any action of the magistrate, Senate or other assemblies, little balance

on the power of the Senate. And the Tribunes were elected by Plebian councils, the plebian council, the principal assembly of the common people of the ancient Roman Republic. This council, I said plural or one, functioned as a legislative slash judicial assembly through which the plebians could pass legislation, elect plebian tribunes, tried judicial cases, elect plebian ediles,

magistrates who are responsible for maintenance of public buildings and regulation of public festivals and more. And the power to enforce public order and duties to ensure the city of Rome was well supplied at civil infrastructure, well maintained akin to a modern local government. Lot of politicians, so much fucking government in the Republic, so much, so much red tape it was insane by Zezer's time. Now for the pre-tours.

The pre-tour term used to describe people who had all kinds of official duties changed a lot over the life of Roman Caesar's day. A pre-ter was a judicial officer who had brought authority in cases of equity. The pre-tour was also responsible for the public games and exercised authority in the government in the absence of consuls. After a year, the pre-tours usually became provincial governors. And then two more. First, the center. Roman centers by Caesar's time served for only 18 months, but were incredibly powerful. Two centers were served at one time, and they had to agree on decisions. And they could veto each other's decisions. The power of the center was nearly absolute. No magistrate could oppose their decisions, except I assume consoles, it's a little murky in sources.

And only another censor who succeeded a censor could cancel their decisions. To be a censor, generally, there were some exceptions, you had to have previously been a console. It's also fucking complicated. The censor's regulation of public morality is the origin of the modern meaning of the word censor and censorship.

The responsibility of keeping the public morals pretty complex and widely encompassing, I'm sure confusing as fuck for many robins. Guessing many censors abuse the fuck out of this power to harass political opponents and the like. Basically, this morality thing, they were charged with making sure Romans upheld changing Roman values to keep the character of Rome alive. Or else, like they could decide, for example, if you behaved improperly towards your wife or kids, or if you were too disobedient towards your parents, they could decide that if

you were too cruel to your slaves, if you were too lazy and keeping your fields cultivated, and then you could be punished in a variety of manners. Like you could lose titles, land, your life, also in charge of the census, or register of the citizens and of their property, which was very important for tax collecting purposes. You gotta know who you can collect tax from, who owes what to Rome,

and they determine who qualified for equestrian rank for a time. Also in charge of the administration of the finances of the state under which we're class, these superintendents of public buildings in the erection of new public works finally consoles and there's gonna be overlap on some of these two uh... which is weird consoles like censors very powerful maybe more so before cedar just uh... took shit over

before the emperors that would follow the fall of the row and the republic uh... the roman empire uh... consoles ruled rom the real heads of state but since the only rule for one year terms, uh, you know, they didn't take shit too far because they don't want to be fucked with by senators after their term was up. So there was a lot of incentive for them to play nice and not abuse that power. And they also worked in pairs had to agree could veto each other.

They commanded the army, uh, convened and presided over the Senate and the popular assemblies and executed their decrees and represented the state in foreign affairs when their terms expired consuls generally appointed to serve as governors of provinces and make a lot of money and governor by the way we're chosen as a set up yet i said also could be chosen from pre-tripsed earlier about done now

hoping for any that up uh... last thing i should i guess I should summarize is just to send it itself. That legislative body, you know, full of so many hot, hard, but Trish and father daddy just covered not a boil. According to the Greek historian, pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl Libya's there we go, Polybius, who lived in the second century BCE, the principal source on the Constitution of the Roman Republic, a set of un codified and constantly evolving norms and customs, which together with various written laws that also constantly evolved, guided the procedural governance of the Roman Senate of Rome, excuse me, the Roman Senate was the predominant branch of government. Polybius noted that in practice it was the consuls who led the armies and the civil government in Rome, and it was the Roman assemblies which had the ultimate authority

over elections, legislation and criminal trials. However, since the Senate controlled money, administration and the details of foreign policy, it had the most control over day-to-day life. So, yeah, holy shit, the Roman government during the Republic had a very complex Very convoluted system of government, right? Leave it to politicians to over complicate the fuck out of everything everybody wants to have their say No one of this shit eventually collapsed in on the massive weight of itself as the Republic went on right It's giant system of government just kept getting bigger and more convoluted and more complicated as more citizens, you know, we're incorporated into Rome. I'm not surprised, Emperor's eventually took it over just fuck all this shit. I'm not gonna try

and pass this law through 37 different groups and get it signed by another 46 different positions. It's a law, because I said it's a fucking law. A season would try and in his way simplify a lot of this by, you know, taking shit over. Now just fuck all this, you know, these pairs of these guys for one year of time and then those pairs of those guys for 18 months at a time and then this guy is more powerful than that guy. But not really. And then these guys have to be born into these positions or they used to, but not really anymore. And then this body keep check on that body, which also keeps check back on the first body. And then there's like a third body that

kind of keeps check on both them, but who cares? Because now generals are doing what they want to do fucking anyway. See, these would eventually just think, how about I just run shit, you know, like forever? You know, for life. And that freaked a lot of people out because the Roman public was founded to move away from one dude being in charge, you know, being led by King like it was for two and a half centuries before the Republic. Ah, okay. by King like it was for two and a half centuries before the Republic. Okay, hard part over, I think.

Now that we hopefully know a bit more about Rome, let's jump into a timeline of Julia Caesar's life, a political military career, and complicated web of alliances in today's historical time suck timeline. Right after today's mid show, sponsor break. Thanks for listening to our sponsor today. The Caesar's timeline for real now. Shrap on those boots, soldier. We're marching down a time suck timeline.

Gaius Julius Caesar. Was born on July 12th or July 13th 100 BCE in Rome, Italy. Roman men generally had three names like English speakers, but now it's the same meaning attached to each one. A lot of our middle names don't mean anything other than, you know, somebody thought it sounded cool when around the time we were born. Your first name was your informal name picked by your parents. So for Caesar, Gaius was his equivalent roughly

of my name of Dan. Your middle name was actually a hereditary name. The name of your gins, which was your family or clan. More like our last name now. The Roman last name was kind of a second last name. It identified with branch of a family you belong to, right? To be like, yeah, I'm trying to compare it to my nose on the fly.

It was like, it was like, Dan Cummins, and then I don't even know what the fucking qualifier is. I was gonna say something, but I feel like I'd be being shitty to my family. No, but yeah, identify which branch, it modified the middle clan identifier name. So like, Guyus was part of the Caesar branch of Jen's Julia. Sazarus is actually the name of the family

within a petition, hot, father, daddy, Jen's. So for women, the middle name was the only name used in Caesar's day. For example, three members of Jen's Julia, one of the most prominent Petrician families in ancient Rome, our Caesar was born into, right? Where Gaius, Julia, one of the most prominent protrusion families in ancient Rome, our Caesar was born into, right? We're a guy, a Julia Caesar, and then his sisters, Julia Major and Julia Minor, as in Julia the elder and Julia the younger.

And that shows what they thought of women at the time. Man, damn, dude, dude to get three names, women basically get one and sometimes have to share it. Right, old Julia and young Julia, might as well have named them old woman and young woman. Wom number one, womb number two. So interesting little notes about their names. Cool trivia, the month in which Caesar was born

was renamed July to honor him, Julius Latin name for July. The Western world has leaned on the calendar that came out of, you know, when Caesar changed things and had his name implemented into it for over 2000 years now. He's had a whole month named after him. Can you imagine having a month named after you?

Like with Caesar was changed to honor him after his death. What had been even cooler, he did change the calendar when it was live and then that month changed to honor him for doing so and other things after death. So much cooler if he would have had it changed when he was alive, right? When was that born? Why during the month of Daniel?

Of course, it is I, Daniel. God of a man who is also a Mark of time. I wish you a list would have had a funnier name now for a month, right, like Derek. That'd be pretty entertaining. I know, maybe we'd be used to it, but it sounds entertaining now. Like how many months is the notification?

Hmm, see, March, April, May, June, Derrick, August. The six months, that'd be so fun. Six months, the Sicilian section procedure also named after Cesar, but probably due to someone being mistaken about him receiving it. Even though the procedure was actually used back when he was alive in Rome, there was no evidence, and it's very unlikely that Cesar was actually

born by C-section. During Roman times, and for several hundred years there after a Ciceroan section, was not something the mother was expected to survive. It seemed Julius likely received, as they do say in the medical community, a natural birth, or as my doctor calls it a push, push ejection.

Sorry, I ruined that. Most babies are ejected out of a pus or vagina. Sometimes it's also called, again, according to my doctor, a front butt dump. That's another acceptable medical term. Were you a C-section baby? No, I was a front butt dump. Thank you.

The more you know. On C-Series Day, C-Sections were only performed to save the baby when the pregnant person was dying or, you know, sadly already dead. C-Series mother would live until 54 BCE, so her vagina was probably super solid and very capable of a strong front butt dump. But enough about Seasur's mom's ladyguard. Let's talk about his family and broader terms before meeting his dad and the rest of his, uh, uh, and maybe a little bit more about his mom. Seasur's family, member of Jen's Julia, were known as the Juliae, they were petritions, but not nearly as wealthy as many others in Rome

during his, you know, early life. Caesar would claim to be a descendant of the goddess Venus. That seems pretty fucking weird, but totally normal for Roman ability back then. They were always trying to make their families seem more powerful, more prestigious, more godlike, by actually claiming direct lineage from various gods.

I mean, people, that might be pretty funny, people still, that, my God, getting tongue-tight, still did that. I mean, some people still do that, but only people who are severely, you know, mentally ill or, you know, crazy ass cult leaders or wacky little scammers or something, I want modern ability in the rich and powerful to do that. You know, for King Charles to talk about how he's, I don't know, directly descended from Thor or something, or if Jeff Bezos, you know, started bragging about being the son of Apollo, helps him with shipping, Kendall Jenner, trying to get you to buy more of her skincare

because she's Venus's niece. You know what? Actually, let's not do that because too many people would believe it. There'd be a lot of comments online that like, oh, that's so cool, which I was Venus is nice Despite Caesar claims of having the blood of gods running to his veins Caesar's family not very wealthy not very influential As I mentioned, maybe they only had a few drops of Venus's blood needed a transfusion or something So does the name Caesar come from the gods? No Some sources claim the name Caesar comes from one of his ancestors who was cut or cases

in Latin from his mother's womb. While he was a front butt dump, at least one of his hot daddy ancestors may have been a C-section. If you want to get into again proper medical terminology, a MFU, a mother fucker upper. Glad I have a chance to really kind of flex my in-depth knowledge of current medical terms in this episode. Other theories on the origin of his name

stayed that the founding member of the Caesar family had long hair called caseries. I don't like that. That doesn't make Caesar feel as cool as it should for a name now associated with so much power. Right now the name Caesar, you know, that's it's the root of Kaiser in German, Zarr in the Slavic languages. Caesar became synonymous with Emperor in the Roman Empire, but at one time it just meant

long hair, funny how time's changed. His name sounds so fucking cool today, but back when he was young dude, you know, it might have been on par with Perm or Mullet. Now I wish his name really would end there, because he could, he could be like Derek Mullet. That's a good Roman name, Derek Mullet. And then like the, the clan name is Skete, Skete. Derek Skete, Skete Mullet. Oh, hog, footicus, dog, footicus, you get it. Caesar's father was also named Gaius, Julius Caesar. So he was kind of a junior, but that's

not how it worked back then. Gaius Caesar, his dad, his daddy father, was an important regional governor in Asia, who brother Sextus Julius Caesar was a consul in 91 BCE. So while he wasn't born in the most powerful family, he definitely wasn't born into poverty. His story wasn't exactly ragged to riches. Seizor's mother, Seasr's mother was Aralia and she doesn't really get a last name because vagina. Very little is written about her. The historian Tassitus considered her an ideal Roman matron thought highly of her because she offered

her children the best opportunities of education. The Roman historian Plutarch described her as a woman of discretion and that's sadly about what we know. She's had those two sisters. Again, as I mentioned earlier, Julia Major and Julia Minor, old woman, young woman, baby maker one, baby maker two, Julia Minor, young woman would also go on to become the maternal grandmother of Augustus, the future first emperor of Rome. The month of August was named, kind of like by adopting it. It's a little complicated, but the month of August was named after, oh my gosh, after Augustus,

first emperor of Rome. And how crazy that they have two of the 12 months be named for members of the same family for over 2000 years in county. Pretty disappointed in my family right now, not even have one month. Caesar came from a family involved in politics, in addition to his uncle being a consul, a distant cousin, Lucius Caesar, also a consul in 90 BCE. And Caesar was an effu of general, Gaius Marius, the guy who shifted the way Roman armies were formed in a way that would lead to the end of the republic

and the beginning of an empire. Caesar's family, political alliances, very important in Rome, sided with the Papa. Oh my gosh, here we go. Popolares. Popolares is a like a spaghetti mazerari Antonio Binderesa. No, it's Latin for supporters of the people who favor the more democratic government and increased rights of the lower class. So let's see. Popolares. I don't know why I'm suddenly saying that one at a time. The other most popular political group was the uptomatis, uptomatis, uptomatis, Latin for the best ones.

The best ones, kind of sounds like a leedist dix when you translate it that way. There's a lot of academic debate over whether the uptomatis and the popolarez were political parties in conflict with one another or just different political ideologies, which people shifted either towards or away from. Right? Kind of like how the terms liberal and conservative can work.

They can be associated with the Democratic or Republican parties, or they can just be a general way of looking at the world and not mean you're associated with any party. And you can lean more towards one on one issue, more towards another on a different issue and have a mix of ideologies. You know, maybe when it comes to gladiator matches, you're more of a popolades. Uh, when it comes to what those fucking sneaky ass golfers are up to, you're more of an uh, up to Matys. Uh, Caesar lived in subura as a young man in neighborhood, not far from the coliseum.

Some sources say this was Rome's red light district during Caesar's time. Oh, my. Uh, so crazy that he lived so long ago, but also in such a massive urban city, a very modern city in so many ways. You know, over 2000 years ago, he had more amenities in so many ways than we had here in Idaho for anyone like 150 years ago.

That's so weird for me to think about. The stories have been able to piece together, actually, a pretty clear picture of what the daily life of an ancient Roman was like. I think this little window is pretty cool. So let's take a little detour to learn a bit about the city. C's are grew up in what you know the one he would take over what life was like there. In his 1936 book daily life in ancient Rome, historian Jerome Carcopino describes the routines that define the existence of city dwellers during the first century C. So after the time of Caesar, for sure, but not that long afterwards for back then, you know, things wouldn't be that different.

Things weren't progressing over 50 or so years like they have in the last 50 or so years for us, not at all. Modern tech has changed life so much, right? It moved so much faster. It evolved so much faster than I'd ever did before Anyway according to Carcoupino the citizens of ancient Rome started their day before sunrise Some because they had to go to work that early others because of the noise of other people moving about on the streets around them This big crowded city prevented them from getting any more sleep

Like because they didn't have apps on their phones and kicked out ambient or ambient white noise back then didn't have large kind of noisy air conditioners or stereos or anything. There were so many people moving around heading to work in the mornings that they actually had a traffic problem in Rome. Ancient Rums rapid expansion and frequent fires turned the city map into a mess of tangling streets, side roads that became super crowded to help ease traffic congestion as decreed by Caesar, one of the many things he did. Only carts were allowed on the streets of building contractors at certain times today. For most Romans, after their work was done, working at your, you know, your little spice or bookshop or whatever, restaurant, tavern, et cetera, I was going to say like spice store, I don't know why I'm at. Hey, when you worked at your spice, you would go, you get up early the morning, you go to your spice.

Where do you work at my spice? No, you go to your spice shop, bookshop, restaurant, tab, and whatever. Then the entire afternoon was likely reserved for recreation. So that sounds fucking awesome. Angel Rome had a lively leisure industry, meaning citizens could entertain themselves in a number of ways on their afternoons off. They might see a play the theater watch races at the circus Maximus. Of course there was the Colosseum. I mean, you know, if you work at those places, you didn't get the afternoon off. So that sucks. So someone someone's always got to work. The Colosseum put on all kinds of shows, aside from the infamous gladitorial matches, spectators could witness skilled hunters take down exotic animals imported from all corners of the Empire

Or on rare occasions the Coliseum floor would be flooded filled with mock shipwrecks So fighters could restate historic naval battles that is fucking wild. I knew about that But it's still blows my mind hungry onlookers to purchase various snacks from concession stands ranging from almonds and Quince's to plums and pomegranates on days when no spectacles or shows were provided. Continues carcopeno. The Roman filled up the time until supper with strolling or gambling exercise or a bath at the public bathhouses. The city had been building these bathhouses since the

third century BCE and by the first century CE there were thousands of them just in Rome. Children entered the bathhouses free of charge while adults paid almost nothing to watch the kids bath. Watching kids bathed was, I guess, a popular thing for Roman adults. Like, if they paid a little extra, they could wash the kids as long as they were petitions. And then these hot, hard daddies, man did they pay to scrub a doubt those Roman kiddies.

Everyone had a great time. Mostly the hot olive oiled father daddies and the kids got so clean, especially their butt cracks. Sorry, I wanted to make sure that there was a chance that some of you just had a very uncomfortable moment again with someone over here and you listen to this. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I'm in a weird mood No one was paying to watch the kids as far as I'm aware of many Romans were fucking weird with kids

But we're not gonna get into that shit today too much other stuff to explain For real the bath houses sounded pretty sick the primary feature feature of these bath houses was that every type of bath that Ingenuity could device that hot baths cold baths hot air baths whatever the fuck that is They had hot baths, cold baths, hot air baths, whatever the fuck that is, swimming pools. Most baths also included bath houses, include enclosed gardens, promenades, spaces to exercise. These things were like luxury spots. Fresh water was carried into these places

from the city's aqueducts. Heated via a complex of furnaces, headings in the walls or underneath the floors of the houses of these bath houses. They had radiant heat with so many amenities Romans often spent you know many hours at these places. I want to spend a bunch of hours in one of these places The Romans practice several sports as well including the type of tennis played with the palm of the hand instead of a racket a game comparable to rugby

the bass and sport courts and most other activities typically close at sundown the bass and sport court to most other activities typically close at sundown, though most left before that so they could have time to eat. Dinner was a very important event for the day, very important meal in a lot of Romans days, especially for Patricia and daddies and their daddy lady or man friends. Subperky last anywhere between one and four hours. Bankwits were held by the most wealthy elite and those would go on until midnight oftentimes, sometimes into the early hours of the morning. And sometimes they also had orgies,

which we're probably pretty fun. If you're well off, supper was served in a dining room and ancient Rome, dining rooms contained not tables and chairs, but reclining couches. And these couches were arranged around squared tables where the food would be laid out. So the movies and TV shows have not made this part of Roman life up. Many Romans really did eat while lying on their side.

They're weight supported on one arm while the other was used to consume food. This horizontal position at the time was believed to aid in digestion. And it was also kind of like a flex. It was, you know, the utmost expression of elite standing. I don't even sit to eat. So fucking cool, it's lay down. I have someone feed me. People had guests over for meals often, show off their wealth and status,

and just you know, hang in have fun with friends. Maybe do some networking in this super political place. When they had guests over, the host was expected to provide knives and spoons. Those were used to prepare and serve the food, but not to eat it. Romans did eat primarily with their hands, and because of that custom, food was typically served in bite-sized portions, but they didn't eat like animals. Romans would often wash their hands before and after eating, and preferably, if they were very elite, between courses as well. Hosted meals typically consist of no less than seven courses, or derves, three entrees, two rows.

Remember this could go on for hours and hours, and then a dessert. Primary sources cited by Carcabino mentioned dishes like poppy seeds and suckling pig, stuffed with dates, and red mullet to popular fish delicacy. Not kidding with the red mullet. Great excuse for me to mention that Derek's skeet skeet mullet to popular fish delicacy. Not kidding with the red mullet. Great excuse for me to mention that Derek's skit skit mullet, eight that shit the fuck up. Whenever he was invited over for a banquet,

that's how he got his badass Roman name, hail mullet, hail Derek's skit skit mullet. Roman's drank various wines of these meals that included honey wine, wine blending with resin and pine pitch. Latte of variety was diluted by pornno into a mixing bowl through a funnel strainer. While the dinner sounded great heading home from these dinners, it sounded like a sucked. Night was apparently pretty dangerous in Rome.

If you didn't have security, or in a big group full of a dudes you could fight, you had to really worry about getting mugged or murdered. In normal times, Wright's carcapino, night fell over the city like the shadow of a great danger. Everyone fled to his home, shut himself in and barricaded the entrance. Jesus Christ. The shops fell silent, safety chains were drawn across behind the leaves of the doors, the shutters of the flats were closed, the pots of flowers were drawn from the windows they had adorned.

Wilty Romans leaving a banquet after dark would be a squirted home by an entourage of armed slaves with torches And would just have to hope that they weren't attacked by Derek's skate skate mullet Hey, new alarmor cuss and time to dick a cuss give me your fucking shiny coins and shit you fucking pleap weeps Don't you fucking make me take my footicus and kick it up your flat-week assicus? I don't know. That's I guess it, it's how Derek Molototts. Derek Molototts, a common folk would have to find their way back in the dark.

There was no oil lamps outside, light the way. Most plebs left to the mercy of the city's watchmen while these guards patrol the city from dust to dawn. This is a little bit aftersy, or though, not before. Rome was too vast to monitor it in its entirety. And Rome did have a sort of uh... ancient police force police slash firefighters the watchman of the city

all this is so much more around two thousand years ago man a hundred fifty years ago pretty sure i don't didn't uh... have any bathhouses or much law enforcement or lavish seven course bank which maybe the occasional back with orgy which doesn't have fun is a room or uh... scholars are even sure by the way if they really had orgy's like Hollywood, has

depicted them in Rome, by the way. Reconnected with Caesar now. Caesar's father dies suddenly in 85 BCE, making the 15-year-old 16 in some sources the new head of the family. His dad died while putting on his shoes one morning. Yes, he had a heart attack. He was around 55, and now his son, his hot son daddy, is drawn to a very chaotic environment

due to a civil war between his uncle, Guyus Marius and Lucius Cornelius Sulla, the guy who would become the republic's first dictator. Well, the first dictator who would take it over by force. That was another guy or two. These fuckers vied for power for years. They had both the things themselves fighting in the Italian war,

a.k.a. the social war fought between 91 to 88 BCE between Rome and several Italian allies, allies who wanted full Roman citizenship. By 87 BCE, Rome won this war, but also citizenship was now extended to all of the peninsula Italians to prevent further problems. And now Sulla and Marius both wanted to command soldiers and a war against mythradiates of Pontus, a Hellenistic kingdom to the east that ruled nearly all of Asia Minor at its height in Caesar's lifetime. Much of Persia, part of today's Greece and most of the coastline around the Black Sea. Mythridates was perhaps the most formidable opponent of the Roman Republic, called the greatest ruler of the kingdom of Pontus, this motherfucker with serious about ruling.

This guy, he cultivated an immunity to poison by regularly ingesting sublethal doses of a variety of poisons. A practice now called myth redatism is named after him. After his death, he became known as myth redate the great. And now Marius and Sella both want to be in charge of kicking his fucking poison like an ass Marius was a popolaris and Sella a man who once you know fought as loose and underneath his rule in the field as a general was in Optimates and their ideological clashing and rivalry will lead to a big civil war known as Sella's civil war lasting from 83 to 81 BC But really more than that because it spilled out on either side of those years with more political squabbling, fighting in the provinces, purges of detractors, etc. Really condensing this section because both these guys could take up an hour each.

Sola was named Consul and tasked with leading the army by the Senate against Mithredate. Mithredate. Sorry, I think I keep cutting off singly. But then after Sola left the city to take command of this army a Tribune passed a new law transferring the appointment now to Mary's Right Sola no gonna no gonna like this. He can get his spaghetti out of worked up and his men and outsize them and shoot it out of his I don't know why did that by the time Sola found out he'd already been kicking the shit out of MythroDate he'd won several battles and push him out of Greece like he's doing great but now he's stabbed in the back by bunch of legal maneuvering back in Rome maria sends two tribunes to tell him to hand the army over to him rights and uh... sold a murder's in

kind of legal uh... you know he's uh... oh my gosh sorry if i flip their fucking name yes yeah go get so uh... so uh... murder's in know, since he's, oh my gosh, sorry, I flipped there fucking, yes, yeah, go, okay, so, so murder them. I messed up other notes for a second there. Okay, so kind of illegal, since Marius does have, you know, support of the Republic. Marius also sends some high ranking commanders to relieve Sola of his command, and those guys get killed as well, and now it's fucking on. And now instead of finishing, myth redates off, he hurly concludes peace talks

with him and then marches his army back on Rome. Interestingly, he was joined by Crasus and Pompeii, Julius Caesar's two primary future allies. Maryus was not prepared for this. Two, yes, okay, Crasus, come on, God, tell her, so many fucking names, it makes my head spin. Maryus was not prepared for this. No Roman general had ever marched a Roman army on Rome before. Right? He wasn't ready for a hot, hot, oiled a daddy. This is powerful. He wasn't up for this little of daddy on daddy action. A solo had gone rogue. Marius organized the force of gladiars to defend Rome, but there was not enough of them. There were no match for

Sola's army. So Marius now flees all of it, Africa, to avoid execution while Sola takes over Rome. Sulla will rule Rome as a dictator for two years and then actually retire and go work on his memoir and hang out with like cute actresses and stuff and eat grapes and shit in the country. Seriously, there's so much more to this story. Events drag on for years before Marius dies in 86 BC to 80 to around 70 after sneaking back into Rome when Sulla has to go fight some Greeks again.

It's a whole complicated mess right now. I need to refocus on Caesar Caesar was on the side of Marius his uncle The historian Plutarch wrote that as a teenager Caesar was politically active in opposing elucius Cornelius Sola Right, so now Sola is having supporters of Marius killed. Obviously. This is not good for Caesar He had bet on the wrong horse Caesar had been nominated as the new high priest of Jupiter by Marius killed, obviously this is not good for Caesar. He had bet on the wrong horse. Caesar had been nominated as the new high priest of Jupiter by Marius while Sella was away, right, fighting this first time.

Now sure, not sure if Caesar was actually religious by the way, or just knew that working as a priest, which was not a full-time job, just ceremonial mostly, would help endear him to people and get his name out. A priest at that time had to come from a petition family also married to and be also be married to another petition. Caesar was engaged to a plebeian girl, but ended the engagement, perhaps to whom he loved, to marry a petition for his career so he could get his appointment. 84 BC. Ena, Caesar marries Cornelia, daughter of Lucius Cornelius, Sina was a consul, a big time political marriage. He's already trying to climb the ladder.

He's only around 16. Sina was a four time consul from 87 to 84 BC when he died. And Sina also aligned with Maryus. When Silla becomes dictator in 82 BCE, he had a constituent, legislative, military, and judicial power without any limits on how long he could act as dictator or anybody only ruled for two years, I said. He actually was a good dictator had a lot of detractors killed, but you know, probably either that or have one of them come back and kill him. Caesar doesn't learn that lesson as we'll find out later. Instead of doing whatever he could to keep hold on his power. Sola sets about reforming the Constitution to reestablish the supremacy of the Senate in

the Roman state in order to try and prevent further dictators, which I find interesting. Also increased number of courts for criminal trials required tribunes to submit proposals to the Senate for approval made laws to protect citizens against excessive actions by the government. In 80 or 79 BZ, Sola resigns, Dictator out, moved to the coast near the current Italian city of Naples. Most degree, this was an honorable act because he had pledged to step down once his reforms were carried out and then dies in 78 BCE due to a fever. So back and up to late 82 BCE now, Sulla orders Caesar to divorce Cornelia after he wins

that civil war. Caesar's family and Cornelia has been against him, so he's punishing them. Caesar refuses, and as a result, loses his property, his priesthood, and is almost killed, as a decree put out to be executed. Goes into hiding, he flees, he is captured by one of Sella's men and his force to pay a large bribe to not be killed. Caesar's mother's family now steps in and is barely able to have the execution order Sela placed on him lifted.

I'm sure they paid a lot of money to do that. Now Caesar decides to leave Italy and do some military service in the province of Asia and Saliscia, the part of Turkey located in Asia. Caesar unable to support himself or his wife if he doesn't join the military now. He had everything taken from him. He needs money. And he will also, when he goes over the reportedly fight very well in Asia Minor, he will be awarded the civic crown for directly saving a Roman life during battle by killing an enemy about to take that life. Caesar will return to Rome in 78 BCE after solid dies. He didn't want to come back before too worried

that solid would change his mind and decide to execute him. And now the 22 year old really starts his political career. Caesar will hold so many political titles throughout his life. First, he becomes a prosecutor. He becomes known for his oratory skills. Like nearly every dictator I can think of, at least one who takes over a nation and isn't handed the dictatorship by birthright, he was charismatic. Caesar and Cornelia will have a daughter named Julia

Caesaris, born in 76 BCE. And 75 BCE Caesar travels to the Greek island of Rhodes. I would like to go there to study oratory with a famous professor, Apoll Apolognes, a Greek red, uh, oh my gosh, red a rition. On the way there, he is captured by pirates off the coast of Asia Minor. Fuckin pirates. Rome actually had all kinds of pirate problems, often on. And of course, he did. There have been pirates, I imagine, as long as there have been boats. Roman historian Plutarch will later write about the capture of Caesar by these pirates. And maybe this account is true or maybe legend building. It told a lot of gunboat tales about the rulers back then.

Anyway, he wrote when the pirates demanded 20 talents for his ransom, Caesar laughed at them for not knowing who their captive was. And of his own accord agreed to give them 50. Again, according to Plutarch, Caesar spent time with his captors while the ransom was collected. He quote, wrote poems and sundry speeches, which he read aloud to them. And those who did not admire these, he would call to their faces illiterate barbarians, and often laughingly, threatened to hang them all. The pirates were delighted by this.

Attributed his boldness of speech to a certain simplicity and boyish mirth. As he, as he Boyish? Is he 20s here? He's talking shit against pirates who captured him. I don't know. Caesar allegedly was not joking around. After his ransom was paid, Caesar quote,

immediately manned vessels and put to sea from the harbor of myletus in modern day Turkey against the robbers. He caught them, still lying at anchor off the island and he took the robbers out of prison and crucified Them all just as he had often worn them. That is what one source says Other sources say that he had some of the pirates throat slit before they were crucified in a show of leniency Man cut their throats to be lenient. That sounds like a fucking Derek ski ski moat move

Hey, mother fuckers. I know you kidnap me and help me for ransom and shit. We had some good times on that boat. So because I like you, I'm gonna slit it cause you're fucking throw the kisses. These are may have actually done that. It would have been a kindness. Being crucified was an extremely feared punishment

at that time. And sometimes people were shown, quote, unquote, mercy during executions by being killed quickly instead of being crucified. An execution method viewed by the Romans is particularly painful and disrespectful. You know, if they crucified you because they really did not like you. Sorry, Jesus, Bill can be able to say that. 74 BCE fucking myth-redates king of Pontus renews his war on Rome. He... he was actually myth redates the sixth so if you're very hung up by that right if you're just very confused about that

what what uh... hey is he talking about myth redates or myth redates the six uh... he said myth redates like is in the first but that the timeline is wouldn't be correct if you actually wonder that kudos you are one of the world's greatest Pontus scholars. Caesar raised a private army to fight him, which boosts his reputation, yet it financed

with money from Crassus. It seems more on that later, a little connection. While Caesar was away from Rome, he was made a member of the College of Pontiffs. He's back in the priesthood, baby. College of Pontiffs was a body of the ancient Roman state, whose members were the highest ranking priest of the state religion. Did the Catholic Church soon model their structure after this college of Pontiffs? It seems as if maybe they did. When Caesar returned from fighting mid-thredates,

he gained a spot in one of the military tribune ships. And now Caesar began working with future triumvirate member Pompeii, aka, began working with future triumvirate member Pompeii aka Nays Pompeiius to undo the Sullen Constitution, which wasn't that unusual. They were constantly rewriting and tweaking laws back then. Pompeii started off as one of Sullen's lieutenants mentioned him fighting with him earlier, switch sides after Sullen's death. Very convenient.

When Caesar returned to Rome, he used his family's money and is speaking and negotiating skills. Excuse me, to grow his power according to Plutarch, he had a large and gradually increasing political influence and consequence of his lavish hospitality and the general splendor of his mode of life. Hidden those bath houses, host and big bankwits, putting on little gladiator matches, all kinds of shit. He also became a pontifex in 73 BCE, a high ranking priest, prestige position, more than a full-time job, furthering his status as an important man in Rome, and 69 or 68 BCE, Caesar is elected Quester. Quester Latin for investigator. Quester was the lowest ranking regular magistrate in ancient Rome, whose traditional responsibility was the treasury. And magistrate in ancient Rome whose traditional responsibility

was the treasury. And according to Britannica, the questorship became the first magistrate, magistrate, oh my god, magistratacy, sought by ambitious young men. And Caesar of course had no shortage of ambition. We're moving on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on unusual at the time women didn't typically receive heartfelt tributes. Seriously, he did the same thing for an aunt who died as well and people talked about the words he spoke to honor his wife and aunt, you know, often, you know, we're going to round and it increases public appeal. Seems these words are lost to history. So that is a bummer.

I tried to find those, but they don't seem to be out there. You know, a lot of this stuff just didn't make it to us from down the years. I was able to find what Derek Skietzkeet-t Mullet wrote about one of the pastings of one of his wife so One of the pastings as if one of his wife died multiple times wrote about the passing of one of his wives and he wrote I cannot believe a curse that she has data cussed and shit. I Was just hitting that Todd pussy cuss yesterday. God damn it. guess I'm singly cussing ready to mingle it. Who wants this hot, hard olive oil daddy dickicus? Derek had a way with words.

Caesar like Derek gets over his wife pretty fast. Next year in 67 BCE, he marries Pompeia, granddaughter of Sulla and relative of Nais, Pompeia's Magnus. Another political marriage it seems. Don't hear the name Pompeia, granddaughter of Sulla, and relative of Nias Pompeia's magnus. Another political marriage it seems. Don't hear the name Pompeia. A lot more. Who was she? What was she like?

Do not know. Much about her. Because again, ancient Rome plus vagina equals not much. 65 BCE, Caesar is elected, Curl, IDA. Oh my gosh, Curl, E dial. A magistrate responsible for the maintenance of public buildings and regulation of public festivals. They also had powers to enforce public order and duties to ensure the city of Rome was well supplied and its civil infrastructure was well maintained.

He's celebrating. He's spent a lot lot of ball money. Gather more influence. He spreads his name, building his reputation with a man of people. He's George Jackson for the fucker. After Caesar became, oh my gosh, I hate this word, edile. It's just not spelled like,

anyway. He produced public games in the circus Maximus in ancient Roman chariot racing stadium, Mass Entertainment venue. I forgot about the circus Maximus. They had the Colosseum and the circus Maximus and ancient Roman chariot racing stadium mass entertainment venue I forgot about the circus Maximus I think I had the colosseum and the circus Maximus put on some big free shows helped his public reputation and political ambitions but also caused him to go into a lot of debt

uh... c's are all like to spend big bucks on political gifts right by people's support uh... as in bribe them uh... blue dark wrote he was unsparing his outlays of money he was thought to be purchasing a transient and short-lived fame at a great price, though in reality. He was buying things of the highest value at a small price.

All right, he was spending a lot of money now to make a lot more money later. Ediles received special privileges like a fringed Toga, oh my, a fancy symbolic curled chair, think a throne but like way less cool. And the right to wear ancestral masks. So a bunch of pomp and circumstance, showing others how cool your title is. Edels are ranked between tribunes and preachers, becoming a cural edile was often a step towards becoming a console or getting appointed to the Senate. In addition

to entertaining, helping again, in season's time. In addition to entertaining, and helping, again, in season's time. In addition to entertaining and helping take care of the city, repairing temples, public building streets, sewers, aqua decks, et cetera, they supervised traffic, they fucking supervised traffic back then, supervised public decency and prevented fires. They were in charge of the provision markets, weights and measures, distribution of grain, Julius Caesar would add to plebeian e-dials to help with all this. E-diles also had judicial powers and could impose fines. Caesar is elected pontifix

Maximus and office he will keep to his death in 63 BCE, pontifix Maximus, a member of the Council of Priests like the top member of that Council of Priests in ancient Rome. He's in fucking chariot now. He's got the biggest hat. He's got the fucking cool. The college of the pontifuses was the, you know, very important order of the priesthood charged with administering, you know, civil law, regulating relations of the community with deities recognized by the state. And again, pontifes, maximus, chief high priest of the college of pontiffs. And again, not a full time position, but a very important one. He was the guy most in charge of keeping peace with the gods. He was the closest thing Rome had before Christianity to a pope,

which unfortunately is not a great comparison since this position was largely ceremonial and not nearly even close to his powerful as Pope. He helped your power or this position, I'm sorry, helped your power when combined with other positions though. He's really building quite the resume. 62 BCE, Caesar is elected preacher. And again, preacher was a judicial officer who had brought authority in cases of equity. The preacher was responsible for public games, exercised a authority in the government in the absence of consuls, so very important position.

After a year of service, preachers usually became provincial governors and could make that fucking governor mula. Make a da da, a governor lasagna, get the hands of suglist in the palms with the, sometimes you get the green stuff, I think it's a I cannot think of the name of it There is as a green sauce is kind of like a dollars. It's a pastel. It's the pastel money Is what I was trying to say it's harder for me to speak an Italian or then it is in the in English I don't even know fucking why I am doing Italian because this is Latin Which is a different language that turns out

But yeah, usually we just you know become a governor so I'm making that governor money by plundering the provinces and taxing the fuck out of them. But then there was a big scandal in December of 62 BC that almost ruined Caesar's political ambitions. So weird, but it was considered scandalous at this time. Publius Claudius Puchet, described by historians as a disruptive politician, head of brand of or ahead of a band of political thugs and bitter enemy of Cicero was in Caesar's house during the celebration of the rights of Bonadella This was a women-only celebration of a secretive deity of fruitfulness in the earth and in women

Her rights allowed women the use of strong wine and blood sacrifice. Things otherwise forbidden them by Roman tradition and men were totally barred from her mysteries and the possession of her true name. We're a weird fucking species. How does this ever develop? Also, I do think I know her true name. The Hail Lucifina.

Well, old Nadi Claudius snuck in and tried to do some peeping on some titties or something. He was found in the skies as a female harpist. He was charged with insesdom. I charge you with insesdom. Not literal inses, just a term for a range of crimes of a sexually perverse nature. He was in there peeping and creeping and he was put on trial. And Caesar over this divorced his wife, Pompeo, because he suspected that she allowed him

into the ceremony, declaring that his wife, you know, because he suspected that she allowed him into the ceremony, declaring that his wife can't ever do something like that. Can't ever allow something like that to happen, that quote, she must be above suspicion. Okay. Did she let him in? He just worried that suspicion of her letting him in would hurt his political ambitions

and he just tossed her aside. Maybe it was a legitimate. He was a high priest, essentially, can't be responsible for pissing off the gods. I mean, he was lucky that a big fire or something didn't break out right after this and burned down Rome. He would have probably been blamed.

Or was he looking just for an excuse to get rid of her and replace her? I don't know. Claudius claimed he was nine miles away at the time of the ceremony, but Cicero noted Orator, Roman politician had evidence he was there. However, Claudius was acquitted,

scandal averted, but the divorce remained. From 61 to 60 BCE, Julius Caesar now becomes governor of what was referred to as farther Spain and alluzia and Portugal. During his time as governor in general, there did Caesar want to leave his wife so we could fuck around in Spain, he will defeat rival tribes, help stabilize Spain for Rome, that area of Spain, win the loyalty of his soldiers. This is big. This is putting him on the path to the glory he wants. No longer a local magistrate, now as governor, he becomes a general leading men to victories

in battle, making some cash really build his legend. While in Spain, Caesar will read about Alexander the Great, as I mentioned before, he will weep. When his friends asked him why he is reacting this way, he said, while Alexander at my age was already king of so many peoples, I have as yet achieved no brilliant success. Ambitious dude, wants it bad. And not to pile on Caesar, but I think you're around 40 here. And Alexander died when he was 32. So he had, you know, not just done more by your age.

He had actually done more by time you're quite a bit younger. Caesar was also probably sad because he was starting to fall into pretty, pretty severe debt, despite his military, you know, con, early conquests. Every time he got elected to a new position, he spent a fuck ton of borrowed money on public projects, you know, bribes, games, other benefits. and a lot of the money he's borrowing has been coming from

Crasse's before he left for Father Spain. Some of Caesar's creditors wouldn't actually let him leave Rome until his wealthy ally, Marcus Licinius Crasse's, landed him more money, bailing him out of debt, quarter of his total debt. And then a military expedition beyond the province would allow Caesar to get money for himself, soldiers have some left over by a fucking up some more non-romance. 60 BCE Caesar returned to Serone victorious, could pay his debts, and was really starting to make a name for himself. And then he will become console in 59 BCE.

But first in 60, in 60 BCE, Cesar forms the now famed. It also messes with me in BCE sometimes as I'm going through a timeline that the numbers are inverted. So a lot of my polysons like, wait, what? Oh yeah, we have to go smaller to the past time. 60 BCE, Cesar forms the now famed first triumvirate with Pompeii and Marcus Lassinius Crasseis. And this was not an official thing before getting into this. I actually thought it was. Now they didn't become like named like the three musketeers or anything, they weren't given like fancier Tougas,

you know, cooler chairs. The first triumvirate was an informal political alliance among three prominent politicians in the late Roman Republic. But yeah, informal. What, why did they form it? Obviously, so these three hot, throbbing, drizzled in olive oil, father daddies, could lay around and feed each other grapes and dick.

Call one night hundred, olive oil daddy dick for all the steamy, creamy daddy on daddy. One more daddy action you can handle. Ordered they change laws to help each other's pocketbooks and political ambitions. The Constitution of the Roman Republic had a lot of veto points and shickigate bogged down very easily. So in order to bypass constitutional obstacles and force through political goals of the three men, they forged this secret alliance where they promised to use their respective influence to support each other's goals

The triumvirate again not a formal Magistrate Magistrate oh fuck hate that word Not a formal not a formal legal thing Let's learn a bit about the other two heads of this snake now Crassus was a Roman politician who lived from 115 BCE to 53 BC Crassus's death will lead to the start of the civil war between Caesar and Pompeii.

Crassus also known as the richest man in Rome. He and Caesar had worked together a while. He funded financing, Caesar's successful election, to do a variety of offices, like Pontifex Maximus, supported Caesar's efforts to win command of military campaigns. He'd been censored in 65 BCE, very known, very powerful man and crooked as fuck made money in a lot of shitty ways. This is insane. He formed a personal

fire brigade back when they were almost daily fires in Rome and not a bunch of state-funded firefighters. And these dickheads would head out to burning buildings and instead of putting them out by putting the fire out, they would quickly offer an option to buy the home that is burning from the owner to discounted rate Like I imagine the price would just keep dropping quickly as the owner took a second to decide if the owner sold quickly They would then put out the fire if the owner wouldn't sell they would just let it burn to the ground They would just stand and watch the fire burn to the ground, then offer to buy the property for almost nothing. Crasse also had bought a bunch of slaves who were architects and builders, and he would

then rebuild the home and rent it. And he just did this in mass. He had a team of at least 500 architects and builders. And by doing this, he would end up owning more land by far than anyone else in ancient Rome before he died. His wealth at its peak was said to equal the annual revenue for the Roman Republic in saying. So he was like, you know, he was there fucking, you know, money wise, Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, you know, Warren Buffett, you know,

whoever's has the most money right now. And 87 BC, he crosses had fled Rome after a guy as Mark Marius briefly captured the city while Silla was out of town. He had supported Silla during that Civil War, quickly returned to Rome to help Silla take power in 82 BCE. Krassez at this time got into conflict with Pompeii because Silla preferred Pompeii to him and a rivalry was born. And then Caesar would be able to mend this fence somewhat to form that first triumvirate. A crisis elected preter in 73 BCE from 72 to 71 BC helped out put the infamous Spartacus

slave uprising. But Pompeii would get most of the credit for doing that. Crasses and Pompeii both elected consul in 70 BCE during their time in office. They overthrew some parts of the stolen constitution during the 60s. Crasses was working on building his political following. He had earned even more money from selling property that had been confiscated by Sulla. It took property, property and variety of ways. And he uses wells to give credit to senators, you know, give them loans and other political

figures who were in debt. One of them being, of course, Julius Caesar. And now let's meet Pompeii, Pompeii. The great Pompeii was a Roman politician who lived from 106 BCE to September 28th 48 BCE. Pompeii the great also known as Nias Pompeii magnus was a statesman in general well respected general. You know, good military mind Pompeii came from a noble family, give the nickname the great by his soldiers in Africa in the 80s BCE.

Pompeii's father Pompeii's Strabo sided sided with Guyus Marius during the Civil War between Marius and Sulla. After Pompei's father died, he detached himself from Marius' supporters. In 83 B.C. Pompei fought with Sulla as an independent ally in his campaign to get Rome back from the Marians. Pompei was tasked with getting Sicily in Africa back, which he did in 82 and 81 B.C. Now, Northern Africa. Pompeii executed many Marion leaders who surrendered. From his palace in Africa, Pompeii demanded that he receive a triumphant Rome before returning, triumphant being a civil ceremony and religious right of ancient Rome held to publicly celebrate and sanctify the success of a military commander who had led Roman victories,

a Roman forces to victory in the service of the military commander who had led Roman victories, a Roman forces to victory in the service of the state, or in some historical traditions, one who had successfully completed a foreign war. And you'd get like a big parade, you know, just a big celebration of what you did when you came back to Rome. So this daddy wasn't coming home until some proper daddy on it was bestowed upon him. He refused to disband his army, traveled to room to get Sulla to yield to his demand. After Sulla abdicated, Pompey then supported Marcus Lepedus for consulship in 78 BCE, but when Lepedus attempted a revolution,

Pompey sided with the rest of the government. God, back then, there's always been like forced to choose, you know, these fucking squabbles that could just erupt into civil wars and battles. He still refused to disband his army, used it to pressure the Senate to send him to Spain to fight Marion leader, Sir Torius there. Pompey's influence now spreads through Spain, North Southern Gal, Northern Italy, through Conquest, Pompey then takes his soldiers back to Italy with them, helps put down the Spartacus revolt, a move that helped him get elected as Consul in 70 BCE. 66 BCE, Pompe Pompe was given command of

the war against myth redates with full power to make war and peace and myth redates. The sixth, of course, died in 63 BCE. And then Pompe had free reign to consolidate Eastern provinces and frontier kingdoms. And pretty funny how myth redates died. He, some local nobles who he conquered were revolting against him and he knew he was going to be killed and he didn't have the means to defend himself. So he drank some poison, which is what leaders did back then to avoid being paraded around in a foreign city and tortured and all that stuff, but he had spent years building up an immunity to poison.

So he couldn't drink enough poison to die. Ain't that a bitch. So he had to end up asking a friend to cut him down with a sword. Back to Pompeii, the organization of the East would go down as Pompeii's greatest achievement. His sound appreciation of the geographical and political factors involved enabled him to impose an overall settlement that was to form the basis of the defensive frontier system for the Roman Empire later. You know, that would last for around 500 years. Pompeii received another triumph in 61 BC. It's another party, which is actually his

third overall now. And then according to Britannica, the following decade was the period of his ascendancy in Italy, an ascendancy that was to be eroded through Caesar's growing military power and gradual capture of Pompeii's worldwide patronage formed the power from the power base Caesar in turn created in Northern Italy and Gaul. So basically, Pompeii was a fucking badass. Just not quite as slick as Caesar and fell in his shadow despite kicking a lot of ass. He was fucking, he was fucking Scotty Pippin. You know, Caesar was Jordan. Now, Scotty Pippin. You know, Caesar was Jordan. Now, Scotty Pippin was a great basketball player, but he had to play next to Jordan, so

people don't respect him as much. Why did Pompeii lie himself with Caesar? Well, he wanted to use Caesar to get what he wanted. Crasseys agreed to give Caesar financial assistance in exchange for political support, which is what he wanted, why he wanted to join. All three of these guys would use each other, all hoping to play the best chess game and come out on top in the end with this triumphant. Pompeii would marry Caesar's daughter Julia and 59 B.C.E. to strengthen their alliance. Caesar forced through two landbills to benefit him. Pompeii and Caesar's daughter Julia married in 59 B.C.E. is sealed the alliance. Sorry, yes, already said in 59 B uh, in 59 BC Caesar is elected.

Consul now. Big position. As mentioned previously, uh, that year, Pompey, sealed the Alliance by marrying Caesar's daughter, uh, Caesar then married Calpurnia daughter of future console, Lucius Piso. Calpurnia would be his wife for the rest of his life. Even though Caesar would have a several affairs, he'd been having affairs this entire time be his wife for the rest of his life, even though Caesar would have several affairs. He'd been having affairs this entire time. There's so many things to his life.

As consoles, Caesar proposes government reforms, land redistribution to the poor, redistribution, his legislation aligns with the papal ares and helps his buddies. World history and psychopedia rights, his initiatives were supported by crisis, by crisis's wealth and Pompeii's soldiers, thus solidly aligning the first transparent with the popularity faction. As long as Caesar was a public servant, he was safe from prosecution by his optimates enemies for some legal indiscretions, but once his consulship ended, he was sure to be indicted. Further, Caesar was deeply in debt, both financially and politically, to cross this and needed

to raise both money and prestige. And this debt is mainly what would take Caesar into goal. During his time as consul, Caesar introduced a bill for allotment of public lands in Italy, which would help Pompeii's soldiers get land. I should say, take him back to go. The bill was vetoed by three tribunes of the plebs. Caesar then got some of Pompeii's veterans to riot, which intimidated the government into allowing the land distribution, then the tributing of the plebs, a publicist vatiness of vatineus, an agent of Caesar helped ratify

Pompeii settlement of the east. Caesar initiated an act that would punish any misconduct by the provincial governors, an act negotiated by publicist vatinious gave sis alpine gall and more to Caesar and 50 a bc the governor of another province in goal trans alpine gall dies and Caesar takes control of that as well. Now he's going to make a lot of money. Caesar recruits from sis alpine gall and will use trans alpine gall as a springboard for conquest beyond Rome's northwest frontier. And so now this is when he really builds the biggest bulk of his legend. 58 BCE Caesar is properly appointed governor of Gaul. He commands a large army and participates in the Gallic Wars from 58 to 50 BCE, where he will conquer and stabilize Gaul and help cement his

reputation as a formidable and ruthless leader. His key leadership qualities were his decisiveness, his reputation as a formidable and ruthless leader. His key leadership qualities were his decisiveness, a readiness to cost caution aside when needed and his excellent relationship with his troops. He was very generous to his soldiers and they in return were very loyal to him and loved him. Today's he's still considered by many to be one of the greatest military commanders to have ever lived. He was very brave, not afraid of combat himself, brave enough that he once grabbed his shield and personally joined the fighting at the front during the battle of Sabas and modern northern France. This, the morale boost from doing this was enormous. That time in warfare, general is no longer fought in personal combat, but he did on occasion.

Caesar built a bridge across the Rhine River into Germanic territories, kicks him ass up there, crossed the English Channel, channel entered Britain invaded Britain twice actually and was also fucking ruthless. According to biography.com as he expanded his reach Caesar was ruthless with his enemies. In one instance, he waited until his opponent's water supply had dried up then ordered the hands of all the remaining survivors be cut off. That seems almost worse than just killing him back then. You know, they can't take care of themselves with no fucking hands. Not like he'd work as motivational speakers or foot models back then. Not a lot of great hand prosthetics. I'm guessing over 2,000 years ago, man, Caesar, he could be a mean daddy, real naughty daddy when he wanted to be. Caesar's campaign in Gaul believed to have, you know, by some sources, to have led to the

enslavement or death of over one million people. Seasore's success is in Gaul led to resentment as well between himself and Pompeii because his legend is growing larger than Pompeii's. Season later, two years before he's killed, list a number of enemy soldiers killed in all his battles, not just Gaull, at almost 1.2 million people. My God, that didn't include random fucking civilians. Historian and Brown University professor Kurt Rothlaub wrote about the con.

Sorry, Kurt, you're a very smart guy. I don't know. Your name doesn't. Okay. Rothlaub. Mr. Rothlaub. What's Rothlaub sounds like. Sounds like someone who's exhausted.

Oh, how you doing, Kurt? Oh, Rufflop. I'm real Rufflop right now. Here are the conquests of Galasane. It was not only the Roman sword that inflicted death on the Gallic population. Large parts starved to death because the harvests were confiscated or destroyed and there are settlements and farmsteads burned

or they froze to death. When the legions drove them out of their settlements in winter and burned down buildings, villages, and towns. Fuck. Life back in these times, man, it was rough. Ruth, those motherfuckers, abounded. Caesar documented his campaign in a series of books titled The Gallic Wars.

In these books, he claimed that he attempted to make trussists and agreements with the tribes in Gaul, but also admitted that he wasn't against harming civilians. Caesar wrote that when one Gallic tribe with the name I'm not even going to fucking attempt fled from his forces, he burned all their villages and houses and cut down their corn. He also wrote damage to be done to the enemy and ravaging their lands. He just did whatever was necessary to dominate these people. 52 BCE Caesar completes his conquest

of Gaul with the Battle of Elysia. The Battle of Elysia was fought in September of 52 BCE, Julius Caesar and his legions defeated a Gallic army under Versongets' Erisks. This guy's name, I want to spell this guy's name for you. This guy's name is V-E-R-C-I-N-G-E-T-O-R-I-X. But I send generous, Gallic chief, historian Tom Holland wrote about the victory of Elijah, saying above the palisades, lay the body, above the palisades,

lay the bodies of warriors cut down by the legions. And beyond them, piled around the outer fortification, stretching away from Elijah for miles, were innumerable corpses Sounds just just hoping some insane horror movie shit The next day vs. generous Surrender to Caesar and was taken and changed to Rome and then paraded to the city during the Caesar's triumph

All right, that was part of these parades too when you like I had a triumph a lot of times you like like important like notable enemies would be in fucking cages Like a weird fucking Macy's day parade where there's like sad people that have been defeated in war and cages and a victorious general. And then this guy versus in generics spent the next six years in prison before eventually just being executed by strangulation. After his defeat, there were a few scrimmages, but the goals had been effectively defeated. While Caesar was busy conquering Gaul, he didn't forget about his political career back home. He wanted to keep his political position. So he used money from the Gallic Wars to hire political agents to protect his interest back home, make sure everyone knew

he was out there kicking a lot of ass to a lot of great shit and he'd be home soon. Meanwhile, things not going well within the triumvirate. Pompeii, not again, not a fan of Caesar's growing military reputation and crisis in Pompeii still hate each other and don't have Caesar around to kind of, you know, smooth things over. In April of 56 BCE, the three men hold a conference inside the province of Sistalpine Gaul. In 56 BCE, publicist Claudius, that fucking weasel who once tried to sneak into Luciferin as Lady Party and peep on some titties had persuaded Pompey that Crasseus was trying to kill him.

That's what they had this meeting. Crasseus was alarmed at Pompey's suspicions and went to meet Caesar, then Caesar brought Pompey and Crasseus to this conference where they reconciled. They all agreed that Pompey and Crasseus would serve as consuls now in 55 BCE and they would put laws into effect that would prolong Caesar's provincial commands for five more years. They all agreed that Pompeii and Crasis would serve as consoles now in 55 BCE and they would put laws into effect that would prolong Caesar's provincial commands for five more years. So we have five more years worth of money and it would also give Crasis a five year term in Syria to build his legend there and Pompeii a five year term in Spain.

They could all make lots of fucking dollars. All to make it a lot of the past sort of money degrees of the palm of the don't have a dentist. make it a lot of the past sort of money degrees of the power of the total of a dad is and they'll agree to keep close eye on another roman growing in power of formidable daddy and threat to all of their ambitions Derek's skeet skeet mullet one on three mother fuckers of cuss let's get in the ring because I'll break some fucking necks of cusses of course not but I like picture in I like picture something like Danny McBride type character in like Roman Garb's like, come on, fucking bring it.

Caesar's daughter Julia dies in 54 BCE now during childbirth. Pompe's wife, this does not help the alliance between Pompe and Caesar. Then out of fucking nowhere, Crasse is killed in 53 BCE in a battle in Syria, which leads to the end of the first triumphant, right? Fucking part the ends got him an ancient Persian empire. He'd been betrayed by an Armenian king said that while he was really good at making money, not the military leader that Pompey or Caesar were. Pompey now rather than continue with his alliance with Caesar starts cozying up to the nobles

in Rome, who also hates Caesar. Fucking sneaky daddy. Now, these no longer married to Caesar's daughter, just doesn't care. Probably wouldn't have cared if they stayed together. couples in Rome who also hate Caesar fucking sneaky daddy. Now these no longer married to Caesar's daughter just doesn't care. Probably wouldn't have cared if they stayed together. It's all very game of thrones. Everyone's out for themselves. Both these guys want the iron throne.

Pompeii sides with the up to Matis, uh, T's, up to Matis. And also now is the sole military and political leader actually in Rome of note. Uh, Pompeii now has the Senate terminate Caesar's governship of Gaul and order Caesar to return as a private citizen, which means he can be prosecuted for whatever bullshit Pompeii and the Senate was cooking up, which they were. So now Caesar kind of has to take shit over, right? And see that or run and hide or die and I'll like the hood. Excuse me.

Uh, 50 BCE Caesar request permission from the Senate to stand for re-election while still in Gaul, where he's safe, surrounded by his army, and the Senate refuses. They demand that he return to Rome, right? They backed him into a corner, and no one puts baby daddy in a corner, especially not this hot olive oil, jacked, shredded hard, seductively hanging that Tga off his dick and not letting

a single thread touch the ground baby daddy. January 1st 49 BC the Senate receives a proposal from Caesar that he and Pompeii lay down their command simultaneously. Nope, then I'll go for it. So now the Senate decides that Caesar will be treated as a public enemy of Rome if he does not lay down his command by a set date. What were they thinking? Of course war is coming now.

On January 10th, 49 B.C., Caesar and his army crossed the Rubicon River in northern Italy in March towards Rome. The Rubicon was the border between Gaul and Rome. Caesar was not legally allowed to command troops past the Rubicon River, which is why this was a big deal. It was a declaration of war. Now after Lucius Cornelia, Sula Felix, he will become the second man to try and take the Roman Republic over by force.

Some records say that when Caesar crossed through the con river, he said his famous quote, the die is cast. I hope he said it like that too. The die is cast. They're like, what? Die is cast. I don't, sorry. What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What is cast. I don't, sorry. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, Capable to push an entire army back to Spain one dick ready to skull fuck Caesar and do oblivion one Mullet able to deflect any arrow two balls made of steel and fire Yes fire this daddy had the hardest hottest balls in Rome. I'll stop From March to August 49 BC. Caesar defeats Pompeii's little forces where Spain rests from April to September Same year Caesar defeats his forces where France now sits by 48 BC Pompeii is long gone from Italy. Right? He's fled. It ends up in Greece. Caesar and his army now chase Pompeii. First, who was Spain then Greece, and eventually Egypt. July 10th, 48 B.C. Caesar is actually forced to retreat at the Battle of Diracum against Pompeii. Oh my gosh, Macedonia.

But then just one minor setback. He's going to push forward August 9th, 48 BC. Caesar defeats Pompeii at the Battle of Farsal, Farsalus, in Greece, causing Pompeii to now flee to Egypt. Some sources say over 60,000 Romans died in this battle. Caesar was outnumbered by Pompeii's infantry and cavalry, but his military strategies won the battle and cemented his reputation according to some historians as one of the greatest commanders in history.

In an effort to prevent Caesar from invading Egypt, the young Egyptian king, Ptolemy the 13th, has Pompey assassinating on September 28, 48 BC. King Ptolemy was one of Pompey's former clients. Actually, Pompey hoped that Ptolemy would help him out, but King Tallah me was one of a Pompeii's former clients. Actually, Pompeii hoped that Tallah me would help him out, but Tallah me was afraid of a fending Caesar and incurring his wrath. Right. He's betting on the right horse. Caesar arrives in Egypt soon after Pompeii's death and is given Pompeii's head.

And instead of being overjoyed, he's sad, which surprises King Tallah me. Right. He's sad because he know there were enemies, but also friends. He and Pompeii had had a long complicated relationship. Also surprising, Pahra, Cesar decides to stay for a while. And more surprising, Cesar decides to fuck his sister wife. We're moving on now, moving on to the side. And not Cesar's sister wife because he didn't have one of those Pahra's.

Cleopatra, noise. And yes, Cedars wife is correct. Back in suck 122, uh, I covered pretty thoroughly how absurdly incestuous the tolamies were. Cedars declared himself executor shortly after arriving in Egypt of tolamy the 12th, uh, will, tolamy the 13th and Cleopatra's father, Balzi, who does whatever he wants, and orders Cleopatra and tolamy to, that's what everyone wants. And orders Cleopatra and Tommy to appear before him to settle their feud. Cleopatra had fled to Syria

to avoid being killed by a brother. Caesar stands for, you know, because she's an ex-child and she smuggled into the Egyptian palace and sat in laundry bag. And when she comes out of that laundry bag, she is hot and daddy liked what daddy saw. From late 48 B.C. to January 47 B.C. late 40 a bc to January 47th bce Oh my god, January 47 to January 47 bce

Am I talking about season was involved in a romantic relationship with queen clear patra and Egypt and helped put her back on the throne uh, Caesar legions fought her brother's Egyptian army uh, seasoned clear patra remained inside her palace and now Alexandria now for six months until reinforcements arrived in March of 47 BCE and helped defeat the Egyptian forces. Cleopatra, part of the Macedonian dynasty that took over Egypt in the late fourth century BCE. Her father, King Tallahmey, the 12th died in 51 BCE, left the kingdom to Cleopatra when she was 18 and her brother, Tallah me 13 to his 10, they got married,

which was normal at the time, but also gross. And during the beginning of the reign, Egypt struggled with economic troubles, floods, famine, and political conflict and Cleopatra and her brother have their own conflicts. Of course they do, right? They're siblings, husband and wife, and he's a little kid. How could they not have so many problems?

She's forced to flee to Syria, as I mentioned, where she tried to gather an army to attempt to defeat her brother, take the throne back for herself. Their affair alliance would end with the death of Cleopatra's brother and Cleopatra on the throne as in Caesar and Cleopatra. So why would Caesar do this, like just to get laid? No, of course not. He needed money.

He had been leading a huge army all over the Western world trying to kill Pompeii and now he needed to go back to Rome, take it over, Cleopatra needed soldiers and she had a lot of money. She is believed to have been the world's richest woman at the time and able to finance Caesar's return to power in Rome. So it worked out very well for both of them. Everything political and calculated with Caesar, but also they did fuck a bunch. But maybe that was political too, right?

Cialidil between them fuck a bunch. But maybe that was political too, right? Sealed a deal between them with a child. Cleopatra and Caesar would have a son together, Cicerian. Julius Caesar's son, Cicerian, little Caesar, born on June 23rd, 47 BCE. Some people dispute this. Was his son, but most historians and contemporaries do think this was, this, you know, child was his son. Cleopatra declared him her heir, successor to the throne. However, Caesar refused to acknowledge him as his son. He is still

married back in Rome. Sissering will live from 47 to 30 BCE. His death will be ordered by Octavian. Caesar's adopted son. Caesar also Octavian's great uncle and Octavian will later become the first Roman emperor Augustus Transition back to Caesar who after helping Cleopatra spent the next few years fighting the last of Pompey supporters in the Middle East Africa and Spain Finally in 47 BC Caesar now briefly fights a war in northeastern Anatolia with the king of the Samarion Bosporus Who are trying to take over the kingdom of Pontus,

fight them because why the fuck not? You know, he's on his way to Rome anyway, might as well do a little more plundering, build his legend a little more. Seizure's most famous quote, I came, I saw, I conquered, come from his account of this military campaign. He is fucking on a roll, he is kickin' ass.

April of 46, of 46 BZ, Seizure defeats Pompeii loyalists at Thapsis in modern day Tunisia. In July of 46 BC, Caesar now returns to Rome after winning against the optimates, the opposition party, or ideological thought. His opposition, however you want to phrase it, Caesar names his great nephew, Gaius Octavius Thornius as his heir, not his son, Siserri, however Caesar brings does bring Cleopatra, Siserri and her entourage to Rome and gives him a home. He was a frequent romantic visitor to her when she stayed, despite still being married

to Calpernia. Many members of the Senate do not like this, right? There are laws against bigamy in Rome. They don't care for the optics. Caesar doesn't care what they think. Now, in 46 B.C., Caesar is made don't care for the optics. Caesar doesn't care what they think. Now in 46bz, Caesar has made dictator of Rome for 10 years. With control of the army and the love of the Roman people, the Senate, nor anyone else, is in a position to stop this from happening. He is also, after so many military triumphs,

now the wealthiest man in Rome. As dictator, Caesar will make reforms that will benefit the lower and middle classes, though, including regulating the distribution of subsidized grain, increasing the size of the Senate to represent more people, reducing government debt, supporting military veterans, granting Roman citizenship to people in Rome's far-flung territories, reforming the Roman tax codes, and creating the Julian calendar. Caesar, he ruled also resurrected to destroyed city states, Carthage, which not that far in the past had equaled Rome in size and prestige and Corinth. He even invited some of his former rivals

into the government, but the majority of the Senate were his allies. Caesar spoke first at assembly meetings and had Roman coins made with his face on them in an effort to solidify his power and rule. First Roman ruler to do that. The lower and middle classes like Caesar, but the nobles feared that he was on his way to becoming a king and taken away their power.

Caesar reformed land distribution for the poor, land reformed for veterans that would not displace other citizens. He abolished the tax system that was in there, you know, prior to this and more. And in 46 BCE, not only did he make coins, he meant the largest quantity of gold coins in Roman history, really getting his face out there. After the Civil War, there was widespread debt in Rome, lenders demanded repayment for loans and the value of real estate decreased.

This led to a coin shortage, so Caesar made a shit ton more coins. And ordered the property be accepted for repayment of loans at pre-war value and reinstated the law that forbade anyone to have more than 60,000 cesters in cash. I'd give myself a faulty pronunciation guide earlier for cesters. That's why I was blank on that word earlier. Also canceled interest payments due since the beginning of 49 BCE that allowed tenants to go a year without paying rent. So he was a man of the

people, at least a man who knew there was in his best political interest to have the people love and support him To address an unemployment and unemployment crisis Caesar sees her offered lower class people an opportunity to travel to Rome's other colonies drastically decreased the number of people allowed to collect free grain rations from 32 320,000 150,000 but did improve access to overseas grain by constructing a new harbor and a new canal. So it seems like he did a lot of good shit.

He had a new public buildings constructed to help reduce unemployment and to beautify Rome after seeing the great city of Alexandria. He sought to divert the Tiber River to prevent flooding and plan to build a temple of Mars, a theater, a library, and more, but will be killed before any of these projects are completed. Caesar stipulated that his villa, gardens, and art gallery become public places. Also left 300,000 sestres to every Roman citizen after his death. In April of 46 BCE, Caesar celebrates an unprecedented quadruple triumphant Rome, the victorious

end of four wars. So shortly before he's killed, I mean, he is just at the top of the top. The morning of September 21st, was a day of celebration for the citizens of Rome. Right? Caesar was about to claim the highest honor a Roman could achieve. A triumph, or a receipts, excuse me, a triumph, a spectacular celebration in which you would be, you know, parades of the streets, flaunting his prisoners of war, spoils, victories. I mentioned earlier, this day promised to be like none other before it.

It was the first of four triumphs all held to honor Caesar. Over the next two weeks, Rome would look forward to three more giant parades. And then Caesar was to leave to Rome or was to leave Rome in November to deal with a bit of resistance in farther Spain. The Battle of Munda, which he will win on March 17, 45 BC, and that'll be his final battle. After returning again, victorious to Rome, Caesar declared himself now a dictator for life in February of 44 BC. And now a group of senators conspired to kill him because they fear Caesar having absolute power. They're ideologically opposed to this, worried about him becoming king, probably

feared he would eventually kill them perhaps early swore their political ambitions. So there were a lot of reasons. Well, what's very interesting to me is he had given some of these same senators clemency when he had returned and taken Rome, right? When he came back from Egypt earlier, senators who deposed his return. Senators who probably if he would have just walked back from when he was in a gall probably had him killed. After seizing Rome, Caesar wanted to do things differently than Sola had.

He was a harsh and oppressive. When he came and took Rome, he had about 5,000 of his enemies murdered. Most of them rich people confiscated their property. And then Sola, after doing all that, would not be killed in revenge. Well, Caesar was actually even one of the people who had to go and hide in from a cell, barely able to escape his life, what you talked about. But Caesar was determined to be a different kind of dictator. Unlike Sela, Caesar was actually ironically a populist.

And one of the first principles of populism is letting people live. Rather than have his enemies killed, he offered them mercy, clemency. As Caesar wrote to one of his advisors, let this be our new method of conquering, to fortify ourselves by mercy and generosity. Well, that wouldn't work out too well for him. Caesar pardoned most of his enemies for bade confiscating their property, even promoted some of them to high public office. Marcus Brutus and Gaius Cassius would be two of

the men he pardoned for opposing his rule, could have had them killed and they will be the ones who will lead the rebellion against him. Caesar had plans to leave Rome again. March 18th for military campaign in what is now Iraq, he planned to avenge Crasius's losses there. Dude wanted to fucking conquer everyone. He's 55 years old now, not slowing down. But Caesar was assassinated in the Roman Senate House on March 15th, 44 B.C. by a group of nobles led by Gaius Cassius and Marcus Junius Brudius.

We're moving on up to the side. Sorry bad timing for that button. Those motherfuckers, those men he'd shown mercy too. Cassius and Brudius called themselves the liberators as they began their plan to get rid of Caesar when Cassius served as Quester in 53 BCE. He served under Marcus Lynn. Oh my gosh, Lynn's Lecineus, Crasseus. Crasseus became Tribune and oh my god, sorry, there's somebody's fucking words. My mind just starts to turn them out. Cassius became Tribune in 49 BCE during the Civil War. Cassius commanded part of Pompey's fleet. But after Pompey was defeated in 48 BCE, he reconciled with Caesar and was made a legged,

didn't have a pronunciation guy for that one. My bad, in 44 BCE, Cassius became pre-tour and was promised governorship of Syria. Cassius was offended when Marcus Brutus was appointed preter urbanus. Cassius now became one of the lead conspirators against Caesar. Marcus Brutus was born around 85 BCE, died in 42 BCE. He was a second leader in the conspiracy to assassinate Caesar. Brutus was a son of Marcus Brutus who was killed by Pompey in 77 BCE. Also son of one of Caesar's many lovers, but probably his main, I guess, side

piece lover, even though I hate that term, Servelia, Bruce had originally sided with Pompey against Caesar, but he was encouraged to join the government after Pompey's defeat. Servelia was born around 100 BCE, same as Caesar. She was according to one historical account, one of the grand women of Rome's late Republican period. And reportedly, Caesar's favorite mistress for about 20 years. According to Britannica, he was more impressed by her mind than her beauty. There were rumors that Brutus was actually Caesar's son, but that's unlikely because Caesar was only 15 years older than Brutus. So much to Caesar's life. It would take a three or four part, it would take an entire season to get into everything. His life was a fucking soap opera combined

with an action movie franchise. British was shocked when Caesar declared himself perpetual dictator and greatly opposed the idea of one man having that much power. In the winter of 44 BC, Cassius started the conspiracy to kill Caesar. And over 60 Romans will join the plot. On the morning of March 15th, Caesar decides not to go to the Senate meeting. He might have Romans will join the plot. On the morning of March 15, Caesar decides

not to go to the Senate meeting. He might have heard rumors about a conspiracy. So the conspirators sent Desimus, another conspirator, a friend of Caesar to convince Caesar to attend. And he was successful. After Caesar is killed, Desimus will have his gladiators act as a private police force to protect the assassins. Some people supported the assassins, but seizures supporters will overpower them. Desimus will have to flee Rome, tries to lead an army in North Italy, defend what he saw as the cause of the Republic, but Desimus within two years will eventually be overpowered by seizures, air, Octavian, captured, and

executed. Back on March 15th, the Iads of March, the 74th day in the Roman calendar, a day traditionally marked by several religious observances and notable in Rome as a deadline for settling debts so maybe symbolic group of senators led by guys Cassius right decimus junius brutus albinus marcus brutus stab caesar 23 times uh what's crazy is that caesar gave clemency to his former enemies and allowed them to remain in the senate those enemies would conspire to kill him after he became dictator for life. Caesar's blood spilled onto the Senate floor at the feet of a statue of his friend and

enemy Pompeii. The phrase, beware of the ides of March. Later comes from Shakespeare's play, Julius Caesar, according to ancient historian Plutarch. Uh, the group of senators distracted Caesar by presenting different petitions to him. A senator named Tolius grabbed Caesar's toga with both hands, pulled it down from his neck, and that was the signal to begin the attack. A senator named Cascad, Stab, Caesar in the neck, others surrounded Caesar, stabbed him in all directions, brutus stabbed Caesar in the groin, fucking daddy was a dirty dick

stabber. Plutarch wrote about the assassination saying it is said that he, Caesar, received 23 stab wounds and many of the conspirators were wounded by one another as they struggled to plant all those blows in one body. A Greek historian, Nicholas of Damascus, wrote about the death of Caesar a few years after the fact, spoke with people who were present that day. Here it says account, the conspirators never met openly but they assembled a few at a time in each other's homes.

There were many discussions and proposals, as might be expected, while they investigated how and where to execute their design. Some suggested that they should make the attempt as he was going along the sacred way, which was one of his favorite walks. Another idea was for it to be done at the elections, during which he had to cross a bridge to appoint the magistrates in the campus, Martius. They should draw lots for some to push him from the bridge and for others to run up and kill him. A third plan was to wait for a coming gladiatorial show. The advantage of that would be that because

of the show, no suspicion would be aroused if arms were seen prepared for the attempt. But the majority opinion favored killing him while he sat in the Senate, where he would be by himself since non-Senators would not be admitted. And where the many conspirators could hide their daggers beneath their togas. This plan won the day. His friends were alarmed at certain rumors and tried to stop him going to the senate house as did his doctors, for he was suffering from one of his occasional dizzy spells. His wife, Kelparnia, especially, who was frightened by some visions in her dreams, clung to him

and said that she would not let him go that day. But Brutus, one of his, one of the conspirators who was then thought of as a firm friend, came up and said, what is this Caesar? Are you a man to pay attention to a woman's dreams and the idle gossip of stupid men and to insult the Senate by not going out? Although it is honored you and has been specially summoned by you? But listen to me, cast aside the foreboding of all these people and come. The Senate has been in a session waiting for you since early this morning. This swayed Caesar and he left. Interesting this is a little different account than, you know, the other account.

Before he entered the chamber, the priest brought up the victims for him to make what was to be his last sacrifice. The omens were clearly unfavorable. After this unsuccessful sacrifice, the priests made repeated other ones to see if anything more proprietist might appear than what had already been revealed to them. In the end, they said that they could not clearly see

the divine intent, for there were some transparent malignant spirit hidden in the victims. Caesar was annoyed and abandoned divination, till sunset, though the priests continued all the more with their efforts. All right. The Senate rose in respect for this position when they saw him entering.

Those who were to have part in the plot stood near him right next to him were Tilly Asimba, whose brother had been exiled by Caesar. Under pretext of a humble request on behalf of his brother, Asimba approached and engrossed the mantle of his toga, seeming to want to make him more positive move with his hands upon Caesar. Caesar wanted to get up and use his hands, but was prevented by a simmer and became exceedingly annoyed. That was the moment for the men to set to work. All quickly unsheathed their daggers and rushed at him.

First, Savorlius Casca struck him with the point of the blade and the left shoulder a little above the collarbone. He had been aiming for that, but in the excitement he missed, Caesar rose to defend himself, and in the uproar Casca shouted shouted out and greaked to his brother. The latter heard him and drove his sword into the ribs. After a moment, Cascus made a slash at his face, and Desimus and Brutus pierced him in the side.

This must have been fucking just so terrifying. While Cascus was trying to give him another blow, he missed and struck Marcus Brutus on the hand. Minisc- oh my god, some of these names, I don't know, Miniseas also hit out of Caesar and hit Rubrius in the hand. Menistic, oh my God, some of these names, I don't know, menaceous, also hit out a Caesar and hit rubrius in the thigh. They were just like men doing battle against him. Under the massive wounds, he fell at the foot of Pompey statue. Everyone wanted to seem to have had some parts in the murder, and there was not one of them

who failed to strike his body as it lay there until wounded as he says, 35 times, he breathes his last. So 23 or 35 different counts. Caesar's last words were apparently you to my child and not at to Brute as written in the Shakespeare play Julius Caesar. Caesar may have lived. If this is not what if this wouldn't have happened, you know, 15, 20, 25 more years, he was in good health. Caesar's funeral took place March 20th, 44 BCE. Mark Anthony, one of Caesar's deputies, gave a funeral oration and positioned himself as Caesar's rightful successor, but Caesar had named Octavian as his heir. Caesar was 55 when he was

assassinated, became a martyr after his death. His assassination led to another civil war that would eventually lead to the fall of the Roman Republic. And the rise of Caesar's grand nephugias Octavius, Octavian, later Augustus Caesar, as the first emperor of Rome, the beginning of the Roman Empire. And that will take us out of this timeline. Good job, soldier. You've made it back. Barely. And that is going to take us pretty much out of this episode. Holy shit.

This one wrecked my brain. I just, I wanted to do a better job than previous sucks that were around Rome or like the Greek mythology or like the Norse pathology, just for me, as far as like getting the pronunciation and understanding of the concepts, and there was just a lot to this one. It was the only one where I, like in my notes, all kind of like marching down, writing things out, and I can see where I'm out of my script,

like, okay, I'm halfway down, as far as like going over again, what has maybe Olivia in this case has done, or Sophie. And it took me a couple days just to get halfway down of a episode. There was a lot shorter in word count because each paragraph I would have to like, I had the craziest amount of tabs on my computer open and then I had to shut them all down.

We're going to watch more like, wait, how do you say this word? How do you say that word? What do these words mean? Where is this stuff? Do you grab the located? Man, guys, Julius Caesar, what a life. Excuse me. What a Roman daddy dictator.

My God. Dude, dig it, stay out in the end. But before that, man, he lived a lot of lives in one life, survived for so long in such a cutthroat world. Where to ascend to the top. I mean, you had to play the game and be good at like so many things. You had to be very intelligent, very charismatic,

you know, like so strategic, so many different types of intelligence. Imagine it'd be very good with numbers to work as a magistrate and, you know, and organize so many things, good organizational mind, you know, to network like he did. He had to know, understand other psychology, all of that.

You know, it had to be very ambitious, very hard working, had to appeal to the broader people for these elected positions, figure out who make his alliance with the kind of like a chest type brain as far as that way, and then had to have a good military mind to command these people out in the field as a general, and then he actually would fight alongside his men sometimes and did that as a younger soldier. And also it seems like was, you know, just good physically as a soldier. He was just fucking good at so much. It's insane.

Yaya, yaya, yaya, yaya. I've heard the phrase a lot. They don't make them like that anymore. Right? They really don't make them. I like Julius Caesar anymore. And you know what, they don't make him like fucking Derek Skate skate mullet. Just anymore. I'm oh my gosh. I don't know what's going on with my with my body here trying to not make weird noise with my mouth. Might have to suck that other super famous Roman another time

right now. Let's hit a couple key points about Caesar again and learn a little bit more in today's top five takeaways. Number one, Julius Caesar was born into a noble family, but they were not particularly powerful or wealthy. Caesar had to pave his own way in Roman politics, lived during a chaotic violent time, used alliances, marriages, affairs, bribes, gifts, eventually war. To secure his power, Caesar was extremely cunning, could be ruthless, which is why he was so successful for so many years, and then at the end, ironically, it was his show of kindness that would lead to his death. Caesar gave clemency to some of his former enemies and allowed them to remain in the Senate Senate and those enemies would conspire to fucking kill him after he became dictator for life. So, you know, good lesson. When you get into a position of power, you get killed out of people.

Number two, Julius Caesar divorces Second Wife, Pompeia, after a huge scandal in 62 BCE, another politician, naughty a daddy, publicist, Claudius. It's not going to do a women's only celebration, trying to do some creep and some peep. It seems like a public with prosky to be acquitted and Caesar divorced Pompeo because he believed his wife had to be above suspicion. That's still weird. There's got to be a lot more to the real reason he divorced her, I think. Number three, after the start of the Civil War, Julius Caesar chased Pompey all the way to Egypt. After Pompey was killed, Caesar became involved in the conflict

between Queen Cleopatra and her husband brother, King Ptolemy. Caesar and Cleopatra started in a fair, eventually defeated Ptolemy's army. The affair would lead to the birth of Caesar's son, Siserion, and Caesar never formally acknowledged his son and instead made his grand nephew Octavian. His adopted son, future emperor, his heir.

Number four, when Julius Caesar was a young man on his way to study and road, he was kidnapped by fucking pirates. Caesar was insulted by the low ransom they demanded, offered to race more according to one source while spending time with the pirates, he joked about killing them and then he actually killed them. When he was freed, Caesar hunted his captors down, had their throats slit many of them instead of

having them crucified as this show of mercy. And number five, new info, let's talk about leap here. Caesar is considered the father of leap here. Before Caesar came to power, the Romans used a calendar system based on the lunar cycle, which dictated that there were 355 days in a year. The system was 10 and a quarter days shorter than a solar year. The amount of time required for the Earth to make one complete revolution around the sun. Although Roman officials were supposed to add extra days to the lunar calendar every year at their discretion in order to keep it aligned with the seasons, that didn't always happen.

And as a result, the calendar was fucking confusing, kind of like their system of government. It was out of whack with the seasons and right for abuse by politicians interested in extending their terms in office by just pretending that the fucking dates were not moving like they were. After consulting with an astronomer, whose name looked like someone threw up letters in a gutter, seeds are implemented a new system, the Julian calendar, which went into effect in 45 BCE and was made up of 365 days in a year. The calendar was intended to be in sync with the solar cycle. However, because the actual solar year is 365 in a quarter days long, Caesar

added an extra day, a leap day, every four years to make up the difference. Again, smart guy, holy shit, did a lot. And there was so much he did that we didn't even cover. Time suck, tough, right, take away. A Julia Sassiz, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know how to do that, I haven't been a sucked, and now I'm going to leave here, And a hava samalazan yada toana him, ma. And you probably glad I didn't do that at the entire episode. Thank you for listening. Thank you to Bad Magic Productions,

the team for helping and making time suck. Thank you to Queen of Bad Magic, Lindsey Cummins, whoo, working here, but off this week. Thanks to the art warlock Logan Keith. Also working a lot this week, whole team's working a lot this week. Producing, directing today to the suck Ranger Tyler C for help with production. Thanks to Bitelixer for upkeep on the Time Suck app.

Art Warlock, Logan Keith again for creating the merch at badmagicmerce.com for helping run the socials along with our Suck Ranger and team managed by social media strategist Ryan Handelman. Thanks to Olivia Lee for the initial research. Thanks to every member of our numerous online communities. Remember timing nice to one another on a Facebook Reddit and Discord or maybe haven't said that yet. Maybe I'm talking about that a bit.

So our brain's all over the place right now. If I didn't address some Facebook stuff earlier, I will a little bit. Next week on Time Stock, how about some true crime? How about we head to a place it doesn't, you know, make me spend a full day not kidding, trying to figure out how to pronounce about 500 words and not familiar with.

We're going to suck the trash bag murderer. Only California freeway killer we haven't sucked yet. We're we've covered William Bonan, old Billy gutter balls and Randy scorecard killer craft, Mr. Butzocks. And now it's time to talk about the last remaining infamous freeway killer of Southern California Patrick Wayne, Karn Petra Carney, a man who was once known as the trash bag murderer, murdered up to 32 victims from 1962 to 1967. And Carney often picked up young men and boys who were out hitchhiking in different areas of Southern California. It's been a while since I listened to his name, so full disclosure, I believe it's

Carney. If it's Kierney, I'll have that fixed next week. Unlike many serial killers, Carney did not get a thrill from a causing extreme fear and pain before death. He shot his victims in the head when they weren't expecting it. He committed acrobertality, such as necrophilia, dismemberment, even beating his victims after they were dead. Beating victims after death.

Voting confrontation has been a common theme, where it was a common theme throughout carny's life. He was bullied as a child, but instead of standing up for himself He instead fantasized later about killing his bullies After Patrick and his boyfriend got into arguments He would go target innocent men and boys as a way to relieve the rage he felt Instead of being arrested Patrick Carney actually ended up turning himself in Along with his boyfriend and made a full confession

Instead of going to trial, he pled guilty to multiple murders twice. Who was Patrick Carney? How did the child influence his murder actions as an adult? How did Carney maintain a long-term relationship, managed to keep his boyfriend from finding out who was a killer? Or did Patrick's boyfriend know everything? How was Patrick Carney finally caught up for more than a decade of murder? Like why did he turn himself in?

Who were the young men and boys he killed? All that and more next week on Time Suck, and right now let's head on over to this week's Time Sucker Updates. Updates? Get your time sucker updates! First update comes in from a dick star of sucker, Brian Williams. Brian needs some dick all all him to explain He says just finished sucking down episode 330 Amanda Knox and fell to unsatisfied And then it hit me wow a whole suck with no dick. Thanks Dan. I was here for the dick And he gave me a dickless suck. Where's the dick Dan? Where's the dick? If you read this on the show, please add fuck you, no, a curry.

No, no, it means. Well, thank you, Brian, and fuck you, no, a curry. I hope you liked all the dick you got today. I hope you liked that daddy dick. And I hope you like that Philip K. Dick. I hope you're feeling okay after being dick star for a week. I don't need to die of some kind of dick malnutrition or something. Okay, now let's hear from a real gay lord.

Marvelous meat sack, Mike Gaylord. Right thing was something that made me laugh and made my heart happy. Mike writes, long live the King and Queen of the Suck, praiseable jangles, and Hail Lucifina, star for the long message in advance. This isn't so much an update as it is a thank you. Just finished the D&D suck,

and holy shit, that was amazing. Thank you for showing me so much more about my favorite hobby. That's awesome. Also, if you ever wanna play some magic, let me know. Anyway, on to my real message. Recently, I made the choice to move from California to Massachusetts, a big decision that truthfully, I don't know if I could have had the balls to do if not for this show.

Sound strange, but listening to you, follow your passions and live honestly with yourself has really got to am inspiring. So thank you for that. Well, maybe that's too honest today talking about about, man, these fucking episodes on historical things make me so nervous, just because I know, I feel like I don't have the same powers narrative-wise as I would feel like a regular thing. But that being said, actually, I feel like I pronounced a lot of the words, okay.

Anyway, this is how my head always get. Usually I keep it inside, but I guess enough sleep deprivation is maybe you say some things. I'll get back to you Mike. Mike says, my lovely girlfriend, Lily and I made the trek via RV and TimeSuck and scared to death. Oh, made the trek via RV, excuse me.

And TimeSuck and Scared to Death were a huge part of our trip. We both love the Spoopy as well as the learning. So when I started around the episode of Scared to Death, I was lucky enough to contribute to Ghost in the Basement. She was hooked. That's awesome. However, I noticed an odd phenomenon on our trip

right after our first RV breakdown in the Arizona desert, courtesy of none of the Roy F**king Disney, nobody's seriously, every time we would get into a creepy rest stop while sucking, we would happen to be on an episode about a roadside serial killer. It kept happening with such frequency. She got unnerved in this culminated

with a stop and an creepy rundown truck stop in Utah, right as we finished the truck stop killer episode. That is horrific timing. This place was so unsettling, mannequins that were a little too lifelike and far too many out of date women's clothes unsailed to make sense. Oh, for this type of business, ye.

We got our asses out of there, found much more wholesome accommodations for the night. We took a break from the suck for a couple days, but as any of the rest of the cold can attest, we just couldn't quit you. That's very nice. Now I'm a Boston. I've joined an amazing band, The Jack Lights. Cough, cough, we are on Spotify and YouTube, Facebook and Instagram, cough, The Jack Lights, shameless self promotion. And I'm having the time of my life doing something I love in a place I truly feel at home. So thank you Dan for in a very roundabout way. Give me the courage to take on a massive challenge and stay in with me as I start this journey.

If possible, I'd love to give a huge shout out to my partner and crime, Lily, and my two new friends and bandmates. On the La Jaha and Mike, three of my favorite meat sacks on this earth. Love what you do Dan, five out of five stars. Definitely wouldn't change a thing. Keep it up suck.

Can't wait for the next one. He'll never run. That's very nice. Mike, he'll never 5 stars, definitely wouldn't change a thing. Keep it up suck. Can't wait for the next one, Hill Nimrod. That's very nice, my Hill Nimrod to you. Two mics in this band. They correct me up about the true crime timing with your road trip. Hopefully fear helped you get across the country faster. And best of luck with the Jack Lights.

I hope you do have the time of your life continue to play with them. I thought about putting in here, but I'm trying to get better about like, you know, you asked for a mission about, I didn't want to just play a little snippet. I wanted to play a longer version, and I didn't want to get the way we publicly put these on YouTube.

These episodes as well, didn't want to get like a copyright thing or something, but, Jack Litz, it reminds me of a band that I was a big fan of long ago, still M, but became a fan of them long ago, Veruch assault. Veruch assault vibes for me, which is for me a big compliment. A good shit, hail Nimrod. And now some more good news from a great meat sack, Jenna, who writes, Hello, suck master. I will try and keep this short, but it, uh, but it's a happy story

time. At the end of 2019, my husband realized something was off with me when I started sleeping through football games, we're a huge football family. And I never miss a Packer's game. I, you've had a dramatic season this year and never miss any of my superstitions that bullshit. I was diagnosed with cancer two months later. I'm young, have three young meat sacks, this was a big what the fuck. Also the cancer I was diagnosed with was more typical in a man over 50 that smokes. I was a female under 35 and I've never smoked. When I was diagnosed the tires started to make sense for what came along with the cancer and treatment

was a lot of memory loss. I can't remember anything from the 2019 and 2020 and 21, 22 seasons of football and still struggle remembering easy words and have to describe them to my husband like a child. But he laughs and helps and I get to blame cancer for sounding like an idiot. Anyways, I am now cancer-free and doing well.

Yay! Fast forward to the Colt the Cura's Facebook page, where someone asked if anyone wanted to be in a Colt the Cura's fantasy football league. I was super nervous because I couldn't remember much from the previous seasons, so, you know, player knowledge was not great, but the hubby encouraged me and we joined.

It was an amazing group of meat sacks, so they don't, and they don't know it, but they really helped me on a journey and healing to top it off I won the season and beat all the dudes include my husband probably sounds cheesy But that was a huge moment my cancer recovery because it was like I had a part of myself back and I would have Not have had that if it not been for you Dan and time suck and I'm eternally grateful this community is amazing Really makes me feel like I belong. Thank you, PS. This year's Dan Samber was my first, and it's amazing.

The picture I saw most this year, and used was you shirtless, high as a kite. He bonked suck in Jenny. Jenny, oh, well thank you, Jenny. I forget how weird that Dan Samber thing is. And I look so crazy in that pick. I was so crazy in that pick. I probably just damn crazy.

I am so glad you're fucking back. Man, whatever leaf that must be. And then you won your league to top it off. Man, I was having a good fantasy year until the end. Until like the last, till the first game of the playoffs. I thought I was gonna win my league this year. I've been playing with the same guys for about a decade. I've never won. So clearly not that great.

But I had McCaffrey, Josh Jacobs, Tyree Kill, Lamar Jackson, Jackson San Fran Defense, right? Thought I was fucking moving on up in the playoffs. If Lamar were to keep playing, I think I would have won. But I just, he was out and I just never could get a good tight end. You know, I'm just bounced around all season. Oh, well, I'm happier than you one, truly. And that is so nice to hear about the Facebook group.

And this is what I was mentioning earlier. I have heard from more people lately that the Colt the Curious Fiddle Five stars group is less good and more full of kind of like drama and cool kid kind of bullshit and that bums me out right. It should be more about stories like this. Please if you're listening and you're in that just be fucking cool. Just be fucking cool for you're in any of our groups. Don't be a dick. I don't have dark humor here, but I like to think it's with heart, you know, some empathy. Don't act like you're better than other members.

That's not what anything here is about, you know, and I haven't had a lot of time to investigate this stuff myself, but I've heard from several people, this is exactly what's been going on. And just please don't let our online communities become just some other internet dumpster fire, right? There's so much that already. Just be cool.

Create more stories like this one. The world has enough assholes in it already. You're never going to like regret later in life. And like, you know what? I wish I'd been more of a dick in that fucking Facebook threat. You are maybe going to like look back, like, oh man, I'm so glad. You know, that I that I helped out somebody, you know, help turn their day around month around, you know,

year around, somebody like Jenna. That's what you, I hope, are focusing on in there. And I know most people in there are still great. So thank you for being great. And to those of you who are apparently not being great, you know, it's fucking just a knock it off. Why do you got a bit out there? Just go eat a piece of what I mean. Love us a piece of pie or maybe maybe put us some pesto sauce on your hands or on your nipples that rub it on your

legs. Maybe take us some olive oil and become a hot daddy. Just a hot daddy touching your hot daddy self and take it easy. I don't know. It'd be nice. Last one. Both jangles needs your help. I hope you listen to this one. This comes in from SweetSec, Ian Miller, who needs you to help find his fur baby. He writes, two members of the bad magic crew, my name's Ian Miller, but a massive fan of Dan's comedy for years. You know, you've heard this a lot,

but I put your albums on to help you fall asleep. That's the goal. That is the goal. Something about your soothing timber. Actually, I found out about, or I think it's yet, it's moving timber. Actually, I found out about Dan after I became a fan of Chad Daniels, Dan's comedy, came up on Chaddy Daddy's

Spotify radio. I know you sit through tons of emails concerning all sorts of topics, but I feel like I need to ask for your help since your voice reaches so many meat sacks and I need all the help I can get. My dog is Uncle Buck. He's a six year old blue healer with a heart of gold and he has recently taken flight from her home

here in Hamburg, New York, just south of Buffalo. Took off on January 9th. We haven't been able to locate him. It's now 24 hours later. Is our rights? Is we have no leads. I remember you talking about your hikes with your kids with minimal material and unpreparedness. It's probably not a word. This I'm reading like you saying that's probably what. And it reminded me that Buck and I used to do the same. Like the time we camp for three days and five-dory weather and a tent made for summer camping with barely any blankets and he would snuggle up to me for warmth all and we ate granola bars and would run around the woods for warmth. If you can please send that on APB to all your loving meat sacks and meatballs. Yeah, I get this spice of meatballs, a list and I'm sure

it'll reach someone here in the upstate New York region. I'm desperate. He's my best friend since he was a puppy in the thought of him and not trying to snake my girlfriend's spot on the bed or sneaking a slice to pizza when known as looking and driving me up a wall. We've contacted every local authority and posted on the website all the details for him. I feel like the response from the local community has been unbelievable. I'm catching up on the time of the episode. Just minutes to episode 300, man, what a trip.

Any hoodels, I wish I had someone to shout out to, but I happened upon your podcast myself and everyone I tell her here, or who hears me listing, definitely questions my sanity. Ha ha, love it. You're the best and sorry not sorry for the long email. Showbiz, I'll tell you what Hollywood. Keep up the good work, wouldn't change the thing.

Three out of however many stars you think you need to beat the level, you're also faithful fans, sorry not a space as yet. Ian, PSI, do have flyers and so and such made for him. If you decide to promote this and then this link, yes, EN, I'm so sorry. Oh, by the time you hear this, you are reunited with Uncle Buck, great John Candy movie, better dog name.

I will be putting the link to the Facebook group you made to give people updates and pictures of this, of your dog Uncle Buck in today's episode description. So yeah, in today's episode description there is an easy to find link. You can go check out Uncle Buck. Please do so. Nimrod decrees at this meat sack needs our help and Ian, please update us. And of course, of course, we wish you the best of luck. Maybo Jangles help you find Uncle Buck and that is all for this week Bad magic productions podcasts. Please don't try and take over Rome this week. He's x. I don't think it works the same as you do. Please do keep your eye out for Uncle Buck and keep on sucking. We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on now! We are moving on Que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, bom, bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que bom, que