Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 353 - The Crusades

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

From 1095 to 1291 CE, thousands and thousands of knights, peasants, nobles, soldiers, and more left Europe for the Holy Land around Jerusalem to take land and power away from Muslims, and into Christian hands. Pope Urban II issued a speech in 1095 calling Christian to take up arms and reclaim "Christian" lands. As incentive, he promised salvation for all who died fighting for what he said was God's will.  But was it ever about God's will? Or was it about Pope Urban's will? Were the Crusades ever really about anything celestial? Or were they about man and power?  Were they mostly about the Catholic Church struggling to consolidate power amongst European Christian monarchs and make sure Christian leaders knew who was really in charge? Holy War? Or power grab? Either way, the decree of Pope Urban set much of the western world on a path we are still following today nearly a full 1,000 years later. Wet Hot Bad Magic Summer Camp tickets are ON SALE!  BadMagicMerch.com Get tour tickets at dancummins.tv Watch the Suck on YouTube: https://youtu.be/pnXcKKOcYakBad Magic Charity of the Month: Over the years, we have tried to donate back to our local community here in Coeur D Alene. This month, we have decided that in honor of Pride month, we are going to donate locally to the North Idaho Pride Alliance whose mission is to connect LGBTQIA+ people and allies to various community groups so they may create a more inclusive North Idaho through Networking, Educating and Advocating. To find out more, you can visit nipridealliance.comMerch: https://www.badmagicmerch.comDiscord! https://discord.gg/tqzH89vWant to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever happens to be our most current page :)For all merch related questions/problems: [e-mail] (copy and paste)Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcastWanna become a Space Lizard?  Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcastSign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits

The Crusades were long series of religious wars between Christians and Muslims, mostly, lasting roughly two centuries. Battles and various clashes that were Crusade-esque would roll that for longer than that, but the main thrust of the fighting took place in just under 200 years. The primary goal of the Crusaders was to take the Holy Land away from Muslim forces, especially the city of Jerusalem, a land full of sacred sites for both Christianity and Islam, and also the Abrahamic root of those Western religions, Judaism. In 1095 Pope Irving II issued a speech at the Council of Claremont, calling Christians

to take up arms to help the Christian Byzantine Empire in their fight against Islamic forces. This speech marked the beginning of a long series of conflicts that led to the deaths of an estimated 1.7 million people. Historians now estimate that only one in 20 even survived to reach the Holy Land on their quests. When the Crusades kicked off, the Pope assured knights, nobles and a bunch of regular citizens that they would be forgiven of all of their sins, if they died while participating in their Crusades. The Pope essentially gave Western European forces a license to kill and also to commit various other crimes without any spiritual consequences. All would be washed away if one was fighting for the Pope. I mean, God, for the glory of Rome, while many people absolutely did participate in the crusades

for pious faith-based reasons, soldiers fighting to the death because they truly believed that it was God's will for them to do so. People convinced they were literally fighting the forces of evil. Others had much more selfish worldly motivations such as land, money and of course power. The crusades were long brutal and bloody series of wars that in the end did little actually to accomplish their stated goals. But they did have an enormous impact on medieval Europe and they still have an impact felt in our world today. In this episode, we'll discuss an overview of the importance of the Holy Land, the location

at the center of the Crusades, the causes of the conflict, the timeline of the Crusades, and we'll meet its most important leaders. And I'll share this information in a way that ideally does not come across some dry, boring history lesson. History is tremendously exciting and entertaining. If you're honest in how you share its stories that are so often so incredibly fucked up and darkly comedic. Today I'll share some of the extreme hardships, soldiers and citizens endured, go over a doomed mission of a completely insane pastor on a donkey carrying a supposed letter from God. And so much more on another historical, we meet Saks have always been so damn crazy.

Be glad you're at least alive now when the world is a bit less bloody and insane addition of TimeSuck. This is Michael McDonald and you're listening to TimeSuck. Happy Monday, Meet Sacks. Welcome to the Colt of the Curious. Welcome to the 50,436 straight week of time suck. Or something like that. Or not something like that at all. I'm Dan Cummins, suck master, store, detective, dispatcher, R Kelly, urine tester, tester, not taster, and you are listening to time suck. Hail, name, round, hail, Lucifer, Fena, praise, beat, bow, jangles, and glory be. Triple M. Quick merch announcement, a little shout out, and then we're off of running.

Introducing the new bad magic pride collection in the bad magic store. We have everything from swim trunks to water bottles to giant pride flags Many of you have asked for a proper collection for quite a while and we're happy to finally launch something for you this pride month We celebrate the shared experience of learning with our LGBTQIA plus friends and allies and the contributions you make to the world of Education law enforcement health care and just fucking everything else. All the other aspects that make our society as rich as it is. So celebrate with us this month by checking out all the cool new products and designs of BadMagicMurch.com.

And if you want to share your pictures on socials, once you get your merch, tag BadMagic Pride so Logan can find your posts and we can check them out. And now a quick shout out to Bert Kreisner. This guy has a new movie out the machine and a quick shout out to Bert Kreisner. This guy has a new movie out the machine and I'm not gonna lie and say that I've seen it yet, but I hope that many of you have done so or will do so. Watching this guy goes balls out on social media.

Often damn near literally balls out. In Promoting a Movie, he starred in about a story he's told on stage for years. See now fucking pumped he is. To watch this dream unfold, it just keeps putting a big smile in my face. He and Joe Koi have been absolutely crushing it the last few years. And they are truly two of the nicest guys I've ever met in the world to stand up. And that inspires me. Just consistently great people. And I love watching great people, you

know, do great things. And just wanted to share that. They didn't ask me to. They may never even know that I said anything and they don't need to, but I feel good. Now let's dig into a story featuring some people who were great, but also a lot of people who weren't even in the fucking ballpark of great. Hop on to your mighty war horse or crusading donkey. Yeah, yeah, time for quest.

The spacelessers have to creed that we sucked crusades today for the glory of Rome. I mean, glory of God. So how are we going to break down this massive topic in roughly two hours? I was worried that this is going to be impossible. Total shit show. But then I watched the delightful John Green break all this down in a crash course YouTube video in just 11 minutes. It was great.

Did he go into as much detail as I will? No, but hot damn. He squeezed a lot of entertaining info about the crusades into about 10 minutes. So well done, Mr. Green, you fantastic teacher. I'm going to start off my crusades presentation by explaining a bit about how Christians view the crusades. Hint, they were fucking pumped to fight, followed by how the Muslims view the crusades. Hint, they were not fucking pumped about it, followed by an overview of the causes of the crusades. We will also discuss some of the many hardships, soldiers and citizens faced while battling,

traveling, simply trying to exist during the time of the crusades, followed by a timeline of some of the most important events of the centuries-long conflict, and finally how the Crusades still affect us today. And we will, of course, delve into some silly side roads throughout a lot of this. And I will undoubtedly fuck up so many words today. Been a while since I spent this many hours looking over pronunciation guides, damn you ancient people in cities. All right, history.com defines accrucades as a series of religious wars between Christians and Muslims started primarily to secure control of holy sites considered sacred by both groups. In all eight major crusade expeditions varying in size, strength and degree of success occurred between 1096 and 1291 CE.

The costly violence and often ruthless conflicts and enhanced the status of European Christians, making them major players in the fight for land in the Middle East. A few other sources separate a final battle of what may consider to be the eighth crusade into the ninth crusade. And some sources, let's say, the year the crusade started is 1095, not 1096. It was a little slow, you know, you know, they make it announcement, it would take a little and some sources listed year the crusade started as 1095 not 1096. It was a little slow, you know, they make it announcement, it would take a little bit to get all the machines of war ready to go do some fighting. So the dates get a little fuzzy. By the end of the 11th century, Western Europe's various states collectively had become world powers, but Western

Europe was still backwards compared to other Mediterranean civilizations like the Byzantine Empire, centered around modern day Turkey and the Islamic Empire of the Middle East and Northern Africa. At the time of the Crusades, Byzantium, a Christian nation, also known as the Eastern Roman Empire, was losing territory to the Islamic Seljuk Turks, the key players slash enemy of the early Crusades, some boymen who terrified many Europeans. And they could be scary, fuck. Everyone was scary back then. There was no white knights, no clear cut, good guys, no clear cut bad guys.

The Muslims butchered people for not worshiping their version of God, butchered a lot of innocent people, and so did the Christians. After years of this conflict, General Alexias, comeenius, took the Byzantium throne in 1021 and changed his title to Emperor Alexias,

little fucking upgrade, Alexias the first, to consolidate his control. And Alexias appealed to the Pope for help in his fight against the Turks. And then the Pope was like, you made a choice! When you broke away from the glory of Rome, motherfucker, why don't you ask your patriarch for help?

Isn't that what you'd call your spiritual leader? You fake Catholic fucks. You're not real Christians. Until you bend the knee to me. I didn't say that. You might have thought it. He actually decided to extend an olive branch to the Church of Rome's Eastern Christian brethren

and why would he do that? Well, for a lot of reasons. Biggest one might be that if Muslims took down Byzantium, they would now be next door to lands where Christian rulers had pledged loyalty to the Pope. And if those Muslims then pushed a bit further west, well, down goes the Catholic Church, down goes the Pope. So self preservation was clearly a factor. Also, heeding Alexias' call and calling upon Christian Europe to join together and fight the Muslims was a great way to unite the various bickering knights and nobility of Europe,

bickering factions that all still pledge loyalty to Rome and therefore a bunch of ties. United these factions against a common foreign enemy would keep Christian forces from fighting each other and send them fighting people who didn't give a flying fuck about the pope. And if successful the crusade would turn Muslim nations into more Christian nations tied to the Roman Church, more territory connected spiritually and financially to the Vatican. The crusades had the potential to be very good for Catholic business and they were for a while. And by commanding Christian Europe to go take Jerusalem and other Holy Land, the Pope was demonstrating in a very real way that

he was the most powerful ruler of Europe above any singular king or emperor. They may rule their kingdoms, but he ruled all the Christian kingdoms. No one other than the Pope to get numerous nations to go fight the Muslims. When kings and other rulers led their people to fight in the crusades, they were publicly also bending their need to roam. Finally, to be fair, I'm sure that many Christians, possibly even Pope Urban II, due to who launched the crusades, truly believed in the righteousness of their religion and therefore uniting to fight against those who professed a competing faith, a faith that would have been considered not just heretical, but even satanic, since worshiping anyone but the Christian God, you know, would be by default, worshiping a false God.

Even if it's the same God as Islam, that's the same version of the same God. This fighting would be viewed as following divine will. How could they consider themselves Christian and not fight against forces that if allowed to continue to prosper and multiply, could theoretically wipe out the Christian faith? For all these, and I'm sure other reasons, letting various nobles, knights and peasants greatly increase their social and financial standings through conquering and plundering, on November of 1095, at the end of the Council of Claremont,

Pope urban the second called on Christians to take up arms to help the Byzantine Empire and also seize the Holy Land from the Muslims. Reclaiming the land were most of the stories from the Bible were set Right the birthplace of the Christian saver That would have been huge for the Pope than other Christians big moral boost, you know big Drenel and shot you know for the Christian faith

Jerusalem has been taken back by Christian forces assigned the Christianity as the one true faith It'd be that kind of victory The ultimate feather in the Pope's cap. This conference in Claremont marked the beginning of the crusades, military leaders and regular citizens all around Western Europe were now eager to take up arms, especially because they were promised forgiveness for their sins if they participated. That was huge. One witness to Pope urban speech documented

a portion of it as follows. All who die by the way, whether by land or by sea, or in battle against the pagans, shall have immediate remission of sins. This, I grant them, through the power of God which I am invested. All what it disgrace, is such a despised and base race. Talking about the Muslims there to be clear. Which worshiped demon should conquer a people which has the faith of omnipotent God and is made glorious with the name of Christ? With that reproach will the Lord overwhelm us if you do not aid those who, with us, profess

the Christian religion. Let those who have been accustomed unjustly to wage private warfare against the faithful. Now go against the infidel's and end with victory. This war, which should have been begun long ago. Oh fuck yeah bro, nice. Get out there and fucking wipe those infidel's off the earth. Something your mother fucker should have done a long time ago. And whatever you do towards that end, got fucking cool with it Cut their mother fucking heads off right it was that kind of tone of a speech The crusades would not just involve battle tested soldiers doing the post bidding here actually may have mostly involved people who weren't battle tested

They didn't keep the best description records or any records But based on contemporary counts historians feel certain that farmers, fishermen, tradesmen, kids, the elderly, women, all kinds of people would follow the Pope's command to get those demon worshipping motherfuckers who happened to have either been indoctrinated into a different face and spurth or had chosen to believe for a variety of reasons, a different religious story, that's just like all religious stories. If you were to invent it out of thin air today and tell us some rational friends,

they would for sure think you're absolutely fucking mental, viewed in this light, this justification for the crusades was, pretty fucking crazy. Many people who participated in the crusades were pious Christians who thought they really were fighting for God, a holy war.

Others, as I mentioned, less pious in their motivations. Some people joined the crusade because they wanted to experience the adventure of a lifetime and see more of the world than they otherwise could. Maybe also get some treasure and some land, especially if they were nobility. A lot of serfs joined the crusades for a chance at freedom, chance to build a new life in a new Christian nation where they wouldn't be shackled by some lord or barren or whoever's chains of indentured servitude. A variety of powerful knights seen as threatening by the nobility around them were sent out by kings to reduce their influence back home. All right, keep things a little fucking calmer with the nobility.

Well, keep the nobles a little happier. And the crusades led to several holy military orders full of knights. Orders that the crusades helped become fantastically wealthy, such as the infamous Nights Templar, the Tutonic Nights, the Nights Hospitaler, and Summary Christians viewed the crusades as a noble just war for the purpose of taking back land. They viewed as rightfully theirs, and the crusades galvanized numerous Christian nations and various Christian peoples into a some greater than its individual parts. A big ol' Christian juggernaut. They had a chance to defeat massive, massive excuse me, Muslim armies that no single Christian nation would stand a chance against. So how did the Muslims view the crusades? They fucking loved him. They couldn't get enough. They've been bored for years. And they've been looking for somebody to come down and try and cut their

fucking heads off for Burnin' My Life. No, they, they, of course, hated this shit. In 2007, Paul M. Ka, professor of Islamic history at the University of Pennsylvania, and Suleiman, a morade, professor of religion at Smith College, discussed how Muslims view the crusades very differently than Christians. Ka, I'm explaining the Muslim source, it just, um, you know, flat out did not recognize the crusades, and still don't just just being any sort of godly endeavor saying They recognize the events we call the Crusades today simply as another wave of Frankish aggression on the Muslim world and

Frankish often used in sources to refer to Western Christians Western Europe Many Muslims at the time believed that their God would protect them against the Christian Cafer's Cafer essentially the Muslim term for infidel protect them against the Christian Cafer's. Cafer essentially the Muslim term for infidel. At the time of the Crusades, the Islamic world is defined by experts was those lands that recognized Muslim rulers in the authority of Islamic law. This area went west to east from Spain and Portugal

to India, north to south from Central Asia to Sudan. While Europe was in the dark ages during medieval times when the Crusades kicked off, Islamic states were in their golden age, which lasted from the 9th to the 14th century. While almost every form of intellectualism was very much frowned upon at the time in Western Europe, it was, you know, study the Bible or fucking don't study anything for a lot of people. There were significant advances in the Islamic world in mathematics, astronomy, medicine

and more. For example, one physician who lived in Cairo in the 13th century was the first person to describe the pulmonary circulation of blood, i.e. blood flow relating to the lungs, and he did that about 400 years before Europeans did. Paul Cobb further described the difference in these two worlds. The Islamic world was much bigger and much more urbanized, with more wealth and cultural patronage and more ethnic and linguistic diversity. Whereas the cities of Western Christiandom had populations measured in the thousands,

Paris and London would have had maybe 20,000 each, Baghdad likely had hundreds of thousands of citizens. He continued, so we're talking about an invasion of peoples from a marginal underdeveloped region of the world to one of the most urbanized, culturally sophisticated zones on the planet. That accounts for the sense of trauma from the Muslim side. How could people from the edge of the known world invade this divinely protected, culturally sophisticated, and militarily triumphant region? There was a lot of soul searching on the part of the Muslims. Suleiman Murad added that many Muslims viewed Europeans as cross-eyed barbarians.

Europeans reviewed his unclean, their medical practices as barbaric. Paul Cobb said, Europe was considered cold and dark and shrouded and mist. It was believed the Franks were hairy, pale and from the dark and unwashed north. The medieval Islamic world's view of the West is a mirror of today's view of Islam by the West. Exotic and distant, populated by a fanatical warlike population, slow to develop economically backwards. Pretty interesting. As we'll see towards the end of this episode, there's differing attitudes about the Crusades

in the Holy Land still effect us today. According to Thomas F. Madden's book, the concise history of the Crusades, Madden being a professor of history and director of the Center of Formatival and Renaissance Studies at St. Louis University, the word crusade comes from Kushe Signati, meaning those signed by the cross. Madden writes, unlike Islam, Christianity had no well-defined concept of holy war before the Middle Ages. Christ had no armies at his disposal, nor did it his early followers. Only in AD 312, after the conversion of Christianity of the Roman Emperor Constantine I, did the religion come into direct contact with state craft and warfare.

Within a century, Christianity and the Roman Empire were fused tightly together. Christians and government found themselves faced with questions of life and death, war and peace. In the fifth century, St. Augustine outlined the necessary conditions for a Christian leader to wage a just war, but he was quick to insist that the faithful not engage in wars of religious conversion or for the purpose of destroying heresies or killing pagans. Warfare was a necessary evil sometimes forced upon a good leader. It was not to be a tool of the church. Well, clearly times changed when Pope Urban II called down the thunder.

He felt very differently than St. Augustine. He 100% made war very one of the primary tools of the church. And in doing so, he really changed the course of history. He set the Western world on a very different path, and we're still on it today. Madden's book adds that Muslims believe that a religious war called jihad, meaning struggle, could only be waged against unbelievers. Madden's book adds that Muslims believe that a religious war called jihad, meaning struggle, could only be waged against unbelievers. Unbelievers were people who refused to accept or believe in the one true God, the God of Abraham,

the God of the Quran, or those who wanted to harm Islam. Most Muslims believe that Jewish people and Christians did worship the same God, but since they did not accept the Prophet Muhammad, they did so incorrectly. They didn't understand all of God's teachings. However, Muslims, most Muslims, still believe the Christians and Jews should be free to practice their religion unless they actively persecuted or hindered

the advance of Islam. However, hindering the advance of Islam could be interpreted in a lot of different ways. Like not allowing Muslim invaders to just, you know, take your land and replace Christianity or whatever other religion was the primary religion of your people with Islam. While most scholars seem to believe that Jews and Christians face better, or fared better, excuse me, under Islamic rule, than Muslims or Jews, fared under Christian rule, various

massacres of Jews and Christians by Muslims did occur to be clear, just to make this not seem to one-sided. By the early eight century Muslims entered in conquered modern day Spain, which had been predominantly Christian. Also in the eight century, Muslim forces crossed the Pyrenees Mountains and entered the heart of Catholic Europe. In 732, Muslim forces were defeated by Frankish leader

Charles Martel at the Battle of Tour, driving them back into Spain, but Spain still too close for comfort, for neighboring Christian nations. European Christians did not want Muslims in Spain because they considered it Christian land. Madden writes, was it not self-evident that a Christian who fought to reclaim land conquered by unbelievers was himself fighting for Christ?

Thus, it was in dealing with the Muslim presence in Spain that Western soldiers and theologians first cut their teeth on the idea of holy war. Their reconquesta or reconquest was the training ground for the theological and moral justification of the latter crusading movement. Now let's toss you out. I love this kind of stuff because you know, this stuff never happens out of a vacuum. There's always precursors. Now let's talk about the land at the heart of the crusade, the Holy Land, for all Western

religions. As we talked about the Islamic world, the Middle Land, for all Western religions. As we talked about the Islamic world, the Middle Ages extended from India to Spain, this included the city of Jerusalem and the surrounding Holy Land. The Holy Land is defined by the BBC as places around Israel and Palestine connected to the birth and life of Jesus. Jerusalem was, and of course still is, a very sacred city, not just to Christians, but to Jewish people and Muslims as well. According to history.com, Jerusalem is a city located in modern-day Israel and is considered by many to be one of the holiest places in the world. Jerusalem is a site of major significance for the three largest monotheistic religions, Judaism, Islam, and Christianity. And both Israel and Palestine have

claimed Jerusalem as a capital city because of these strong age-old associations, bloody conflicts to control the city and sites within it have been waged for thousands of years. Scholars believed that the first human settlements were established in Jerusalem around 3,500 BCE, and that maybe by around 1,000 BCE a man known as King David, conquered Jerusalem, has made it the capital of the Jewish kingdom. Did you know that we actually don't know anything about King David, his direct descendants, other than what is written about him and them in the Old Testament of the Bible, right? A portion of an old ninth century BCE stone slabs to few lines of Aramaic thought to reference the murder of a member of the House of David, the only non-biblical archaeological evidence

at the House of David actually ever existed. I was surprised to find that out. I thought there would be more archaeological evidence for David than there currently is. The Babylonians occupied Jerusalem in 586 BCE, destroyed Solomon's Temple, and sent Jews into exile. Then 50 years later, Persian King Cyrus allowed Jewish people to return and rebuild their temple. Alexander the Great conquered Jerusalem in 332 BC.

And in the following centuries, the city was ruled by many different groups. Romans, Persians, Arabs, Fatimids, Seljuk Turks, Crusaders, Egyptians, Mammalukes, Islamis, all-government area that is perhaps historically experienced less political stability then literally any other place on earth and due to the nature of the area having now long with home to the most important religious sites for three of those powerful religions in the world the area will likely never see stability

unless humanity eventually moves away from abrahamic religions uh... jewish people believe that jr believe that Jerusalem is the place where Abraham almost sacrificed his son Isaac to prove he trusted God. From the book of Deuteronomy, Abraham's grandson Jacob learned that Jerusalem is the site that the Lord your God will choose from among all your tribes as a place established in his name. Jerusalem was the capital of Israel under King David and the Hebrew Bible and the city where Solomon, his son and successor, probably built a temple. And again, I say probably because there's a lot of archaeologists who are unsure of Solomon from the Old Testament ever existed, or that if he did exist, he was not the same man from

Scripture. Based on what evidence has been found so far, he's a religious figure much more than a historical one. But that of course could change. Dude lived a long time ago in an area where, you know, there isn't firm archaeological evidence for almost anyone. Muslims believed that Jerusalem was the last place visited by the Prophet Muhammad in the seventh century before he ascended into heaven and spoke with God. Before Muhammad ascended into heaven, he was flown from Mecca to Jerusalem by a mythical creature as it is said in the religious text. During the journey overnight Muhammad was purified.

To prepare to meet God, God instructed Muhammad to recite the Salat or ritual prayer 50 times a day. Muhammad asked God to reduce the number of prayers to five a day. Sure Muslims appreciate that. You know, 45 times less a day sounds like a pretty good deal. Muhammad saw his mission as an extension of the Abrahamic traditions of Judaism and Christianity. Sounds like a pretty good deal. Muhammad saw his mission as an extension of the Abrahamic traditions of Judaism and Christianity. Therefore, the first Kibla or direction in which Muslims should pray actually was Jerusalem.

I didn't know that before this week. Today, Muslims bowed towards Mecca, but that's not where it started. Maybe, maybe that's what Muhammad did. There have been scholars, some of them Muslim scholars who doubt the Muhammad ever existed as a real historical figure. Just like many scholars doubt Jesus ever existed as a real historical figure. There's no definitive physical or

archaeological evidence of the existence of either Jesus or Muhammad. Only religious teachings point to the reality of Muhammad. There's a little more for Jesus while some Roman historians who were not followers of Jesus did reference his existence. There's no equivalent for Muhammad. Interesting, right? So many wars fought through the clash of religious differences between Christianity and Islam, religions whose central figures we actually know very little about, did they even exist?

And if they did, regarding their potential holiness, you know, were they whose scripture says they were? We are just taking the word of followers slash authors who lived over a thousand years ago or two thousand years ago, ancient authors who we also know very little about. Ancient Greek and ancient Roman authors and historians scholars have come to accept more and more that some of what they wrote actually happened but much of it was myth-building, political spin or outright fabrication. No academic believes in the literal truth of say Homer's

Odyssey or the Iliad anymore Many scholars don't even think Homer was a real historical figure and more and more scholars are coming to the same conclusions about the events of the Torah the Bible and the Quran Are not so fascinating that so much of world history has been shaped by followers of books full of all kinds of claims whose veracity no one can conclusively Proof Sometimes all this feels as absurd to me as war is being fought between people who believe Stephen King's the stand is the one true account of how the world will end and other people who believe that Robert Kirkman's the walking dead graphic novel series is the one true depiction of how the world will end.

What a great cosmic joke all of this might just be. Back to real history now Islam names Jerusalem excuse me. Poland is thick in the air around here right now. Islam names Jerusalem as one of the cities that will be a key location during the end times. Jerusalem is also extremely important to Christians because Jesus was said to have been crucified there around 30 CE. And who ruled this Holy Land at the time of Christ, the Romans. Romans in the Eastern Romans ruled the Holy Land for centuries. They ruled as they converted to Christianity in the fourth century,

and then Muslims will conquer the Holy Land in 638 CE. Various Islamic kingdoms have ruled the Holy Land over the centuries, and when the Muslims sell Jiktarks, took control around 1077, they made it harder for Christian pilgrims to visit, which of course increased tensions between the Islamic and Christian worlds.

Christians had been making pilgrimages to the Holy Land, at least as far back as the sixth century. The Seljuk Turks believed that Christians in the Holy Land were a threat to their authority so they imposed taxes and charges on Christians who wanted to visit holy sites. Christians and pilgrims were mistreated, sometimes killed, when they ventured into Muslim territory. Author Thomas Madden writes that the Seljuk Turks then arrived in the Byzantine region in the 11th century, conquered present-day Armenia, Syria and Palestine, and when they conquered Jerusalem, or when they had conquered it earlier, they destroyed Christian churches and Muslim lands

and killed clergy members. However, they soon learned that Christian pilgrims brought plenty of money to the city, so they stopped killing Christians, it was bad for business. And what site for pilgrims visiting? There are several important sites in Jerusalem, important to Christianity or Islam or both. And of course, also Judaism. The Temple Mount is a 35-acre compound located on a hill.

It contains important religious structures like the Western Wall, Dome of the Rock, and the Al-A located on a hill. It contains important religious structures like the Western wall, dome with a rock, and the al-Aqsa mosque. This is considered the holiest place in Judaism, an area reference in Jewish scripture. The first and second Jewish temples were located here. The temple mount is considered the third holiest site in Islam with Mecca being the first, Medina being the second.

The temple mount is mentioned by prophets in the Old Testament of the Bible and Jesus visited this location according to the New Testament. 691 CE, the dome of the rock in Islamic shrine was built in the site of former Jewish temples. The dome was built by Caliph, Ab-Alam al-Malik. It is the oldest surviving Islamic building and is constructed in the spot where Muslims believe Muhammad descended to heaven. Christians will convert the dome of the rock into a church during the crusades, which does not make the Muslims very fucking happy. The dome was later recaptured by the Muslims and turned back into a shrine in 1187 CE. And sitting next to the dome is that silver domed mosque

al-Aqsa. The Western wall is a surviving section of the second Jewish temple located on the western side of Temple Mount. And therefore important not just to Judaism but to Christianity and Islam since they share the same Jewish history as part of the core of their religions. Finally, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre was built in 335 CE, located in the Christian quarter of Jerusalem. This is the site where many Christians believe Jesus was crucified and where the resurrection occurred. Many people believe this is the holiest Christian site in the world. As you can see, all three religions have strong interests in Jerusalem.

Controlling the city and the area around it were various events in the Torah, New Testament and Kharan supposedly took place. That would make a statement of power to the other two religions, right? Not controlling it. More than anything else, this is what the Crusaders were fighting for. They were fighting for the spiritual equivalent of the fucking iron throne from the Game of Thrones, right? Or the one ring, the ring to bind them all from Lord of the Rings, whoever controlled

the Holy Land, that control gave a greater air of legitimacy to their religion. Now before jumping into the timeline, let's discuss briefly what life was like for the average crusader. It was fucking terrible, it was fucking shit show. Now let's discuss it a little bit less succinctly. People frequently died of anything but old age and natural causes when the crusades went down,

they died constantly and in terrible ways. Again, up to 1.7 million people are thought to have died as a result of the crusades and the leading cause of death Thought by many to be starvation What a terrible way to die No one has any exact figures as to exactly how many starved but there are account after account of crusaders frequently feasting on the bodies of their enemies or Dead fellow crusaders and siege after siege just desperately trying to stay alive Many other starved the death before they even made it to the Holy Land. Many crusaders had no shoes, no weapons, they weren't knights, they were peasants, they

were serfs, often trying to escape famines when they started their long hard journey, earth east. And the journey to Jerusalem for many in Western Europe took around three years, three fucking years just to make it to the toughest battles of your life. Imagine walking for three years, in like sandals, best case. And then at various points along the way, you're maybe being given a sword

and then just pushing to like a gladiator match. That basically is what life was like for many crusaders. That's why some historians say that only one in 20 survived the journey. And the few who, you know, made it to the end had to fight even fucking harder. If a crusader was departing from Paris, they had to travel over 2100 miles, the equivalent, the distance between New York City and Salt Lake City and the US. Most crusaders walked that entire distance, averaging about 12, 15

miles a day when they could travel, but they often had a stop to recuperate, wait out of storm, do some fighting, wait out the fucking winner, et cetera. Travelers were often delayed by the need to stop together food, other supplies, various sieges, fighting with opposing armies, not even connected to the crusades oftentimes. Thousands and thousands of people abandoned the journey at some point, just deserted, just try to make a life for themselves wherever they ended up. It was crazy. Another danger was heat and dehydration according to the world of the crusades, a daily life in

cyclopedia. The heat was made worse by a medieval warm period, lasting from 950 to 1250 CE, which coincided with the first through six crusades and part of the seventh crusade. During this time, there was more rain, more flooding in addition to just, you know, generally warmer temperature, which isn't great when you're wearing fucking armor and stuff Medieval medicine Another danger that crusades as we know most doctors back then fucking sucked They didn't have a much scientific knowledge about the human body and use highly unsanitary or just torturous treatments There are records of doctors that crusader hospitals doing shit like amputating the soldiers and tire leg because of a small infected wound. And then the soldier dies of course

because they didn't know how to stop blood that well. And a lot of people died when they came into contact with medieval doctors. Scurvy was maybe the the biggest medical threat. Many Crusaders died of scurvy because meat was a major component of their diet and fruit and vegetables were not. Scurvy because meat was a major component of their diet and fruit and vegetables were not. Scurvy's caused by not having enough vitamin C in your diet for at least three months. Outside of the liver, most meat doesn't have enough vitamin C to fucking make a difference in our systems. Andrew Holt wrote in the world of the crusade to Data Life in Psychopedia, that nights equated meat, eating with strength. Fuck vegetables, fuck fruit, which I get.

I'm a bigger fan of meat than for individuals, but you gotta have a little bit. We don't have vitamins. Scurvy is thought to have killed one sixth of the entire French army during the fifth crusade, 20% of them just die in a scurvy. After several months of vitamin C deficiency, a range of scurvy systems can occur,

including anemia, bone pain, easy bruising, swelling, gum disease, poor wound healing, depression and more. Parts your body may swell, particularly your arms and legs towards the end. And if left untreated, you know, scurvy can lead to death from bleeding or infection, which sounds awful. Dissentary, another big cause of death during the Crusades, McGill's pop, death by diarrhea, people blown off their buttholes.

Not literally be close. Dissentary, often a contracted via contaminated drinking water, just like you know, it was for the Oregon Trail Travelers centuries later. And severe diarrhea can dehydrate someone to death. You can shit yourself to death. Yet another danger during medieval times where all the strict and crazy laws and harsh punishments enforced by different rulers, torture was commonplace back then,

whether you were on the crusader not, as were executions. Muslims and Jews bore the brunt of both torture and torture's death during the crusades. The Jewish virtual library reported the Christian crusaders, viewed Jewish people as the murderers of Christ. And some of them used the Crusades as an opportunity to kill them without worry of going to hell, you know, since the Pope gave them the spiritual equivalent of a always get out of jail for free as long as you're a crusading cart. Life was terrible for the majority of Crusaders.

But also terrible at that time in Europe for just, you know, pretty much everybody. That's because you didn't take off for a treacherous crusade that I mean you were safe and live in the easy life. You might be killed by a rival Lord who wants your land. You might be tortured by church officials for maybe being a heretic Or just, you know, they just want to get rid of you. So they call you her take you might be an enslaved surf doomed to work a life of indentured servitude and possibly die of scurvy at home At least with the crusades, like Pope Urban Promise, you could die with the belief that you've been given a fast pass to heaven.

And living with that hope for many in medieval Europe would probably a lot better than not living with it. Let's now cover a timeline of the major events of the Crusades, right after our mid-show sponsor break. Thanks for sticking around, and now it's really time-line time. Shrap on those boots, soldier. We're marching down a time-sug timeline.

Emperor Alexias I, Cominus, ruled the Byzantine Empire from April 1081 to August 1118. The Byzantine Empire began over 750 years earlier in 330 CE when Roman Emperor Constantine I dedicated a new Rome where the ancient Greek colony of Byzantium founded a millennium before in the 7th century BCE was once located. Byzantium became Constantinople, named after Constantine, and then much later would become Istanbul, Turkey. It's located in a very strategic position

in Eastern Europe, on the European side of the Bosporus, the Strait connecting the Black Sea to the Mediterranean, very important for all the trading that they were doing primarily with shifts back then. Byzantium served as a very important port to very important trade point between Europe and Asia. The western half of the Roman Empire had fallen in 476 CE, but the eastern half would survive for over a thousand additional years. The citizens of Constantinople and the eastern Roman Empire identified as both Romans and as

Christians. The Byzantine Empire survived until 1453 when an Ottoman army destroyed the capital city of Constantinople during the reign of Emperor Constantin 11. Over a thousand years earlier back in 325 CE, Emperor Constantin I established Christianity as Rome's official religion at the Council of Nassia. He himself converted to Christianity in 312 CE. Nassia is also located in modern day Turkey. The Council of Nicaea concluded on August 25th, 325 CE with the establishment of the doctrine of the Holy Trinity. Interesting that it took that long to establish right three full centuries following the death of Christ. That's a long time to establish something that is now at the core of Christian theology today.

Longer than the entire history of the US, amazing how much core Christian theology did not exist during the time of Christ. The doctrine of the Holy Trinity is the jealousy of the quality of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. Areas, a third and fourth century Alexandrian priest, questioned the divinity of Christ, leading up to the council because Christ was born from a human mother. Didn't like the Trinity. I started off as an academic theological debate, spread to numerous Christian congregations in the Roman Empire and caused a lot of division

within the early church, threatened the stability of the early church. The council's formed, they end up determining that Aryan belief that Christ is inferior to God is, it's heretical. And Aryan leaders are banished from their churches for heresy. After this banishment, the Godhead is fucking in. And the beliefs of the second council,

or I'm sorry, the beliefs of the council, and the decree that this version of Christianity was the official religion of a powerful empire, now set up future clashes with the members of any other religions, namely Islam, which wouldn't exist for another three centuries. Jumping back now to the time of Emperor Alexius I, the first crusade will last from 1095 to 1102.

The purpose of the first crusade was to recapture the city of Jerusalem for Christianity. And this first crusade will work out overall pretty well for Christians. It will be the most successful crusade by quite a bit. But as you know, as the timeline continues, we'll see a shift from early Christian victories to heavy losses. In March of 1095, Emperor Alexius, the first come Ninus, appealed to Pope Urban II for aid against the Seljuk Turks who were encroaching on the Byzantine Empire.

Let's talk a bit about Pope Urban, the Pope who kicked off the Crusades, pretty important historical figure, probably the most important figure when it comes to this topic. Pope Urban II was born in 1042, maybe 1035, sources differ, as Odo of Ligere So you know urban fucking cooler name than Odo Born into tiny village that is still a tiny village of just around 200 people in northeastern France

Odo was born into a noble frant family makes me think of Frodo now I picture him in the fucking shire living with a bunch of hobbits I don't think it was a hobbit though. Now, for finishing his studies, he became an Archdeacon in the diocese of Reims, Reims being the nearest city, only about 20 miles away. At this time, Reims was the most important metropolis in France, or at least according to the encyclopedia Britannica. Little under 200,000 people lived there today

and people have been living there since before the time of Caesar. An Archdeacon was appointed by the Bishop to assist with administration, which was a pretty powerful office in the Middle Ages. Oto likely held this office from 1055 to 1067 that he became a monk, 1079. Oto travels all the way to Rome, almost 900 miles in the days before planes, trains, and automobiles. So in addition to being good at Pope and pretty fucking good at walking. Uh, the area he soon made a cardinal and bishop of Ostea, a seaport for Rome by Pope Gregory

the Seventh and 10804. Gregory the Seventh sent a Odo as a papal legate to Germany. Dude took some long ass trips in the days of your. That's some fucking tightcaps. Odo was a protégé of Pope Gregory the Seventh and the two became pretty close. Odo was a protégé of Pope Gregory VII and the two became pretty close. Odo supported Gregory's papacy. During the Pope's struggle with Henry IV, the Holy Roman Emperor. Holy Roman Emperor was the head of state of the Holy Roman Empire, makes sense. And Gregory and Henry had a power struggle the last of the years that boiled down essentially to who had the bigger dick, who was really in charge of the Holy Roman Empire, the king

or the Pope. And this little power struggle, the Holy Roman Empire, the king or the Pope? And the sort of power struggle, the outcome of it will have a drastic effect on the future Europe. Right, this shit I firmly believe at the end of the day is never really about God, right? It's about power. These struggles always power. The Holy Roman Empire was the varying complex of lands in Western and Central Europe, ruled by the Holy Roman Emperor, a title held first by Frankish and then by German kings for 10 centuries. Henry the Force conflict by the Holy Roman Emperor, a title held first by Frankish and then by German kings for ten centuries. Henry the Force conflict with the Holy Roman Empire became known as the Investiture Controversy. In summary, the Investiture Controversy lasted from 1076 to 1122

between the salient dynasty of German monarchs and the papacy of Rome. The conflict was mostly focused on the appointment of bishops, priests, and monastic officials through the practice of lay investiture, which was when church officials were selected and installed by secular rulers rather than by the pope. The pope didn't fucking like that. The pope wanted to be in charge of the appointment of all the bishops, archbishops, fucking priests, you know, everything. He wanted to surround himself with his men, not with the king's men. He wanted to surround himself with men who

aligned with his pursuits of power, not with the king's pursuits of power. This conflict was begun between Pope Gregory VII and Henry IV, but it will continue after their deaths. Pope Gregory VII dies in 1085, his successor, blessed Victor III only served as Pope from 1086 to September 16th, 1087 when he died. So he wasn't maybe all that blessed. Maybe not the best nickname. Victor the third actually declined the office was proclaimed Pope against his will on May 24th, 1086.

Before his consecration, a consecration was completed. He was driven from Rome by supporters of Henry IV. People pissed that Henry didn't appoint him. Henry IV's supporters now set up an anti-pop, climate the third in 1084. An anti-pop is simply defined as a fuckhead. No, simply to find is someone who opposes the legitimately elected pope, a puppet pope, a peepope. King Henry is the one with his hand up the puppets ass. Climate the third was once an archbishop of Rivena. His position was confirmed by Pope Alexander II,

the Pope before Gregory. Pope Gregory then excommunicates Clement III. You're not allowed into heaven anymore. You pop a pope motherfucker. Uh, Clement III, the third was elected as anti-Pope by a synod organized by Henry IV. The synod declared Gregory deposed as a big power struggle. When Sclem of the Third is enthroned, he crowns Henry as emperor, then he remains as the anti-Pope during the pontificate

of Victor III, Nanzel Brest, and Urban III, and Erwin, Pope Urban II, lives until 1100. And a Senate is a local or provincial assembly of bishops and other church officials And a synod is a local or provincial assembly of bishops and other church officials meeting to resolve questions of discipline or administration Shifting focus back to Pope Victor and March of 1087 he convened a synod at Capua resumed his papal authority. He was consecrated in Rome on May 9th But couldn't stay in the city because you know fear for his life because of the support for Clement III Things were fucking mess for the church with his two Pope shit. Odo was elected Pope on March 12th, 1088 in the middle of this shit. He becomes urban the second.

One of urban's main focuses is reform, unification, and centralization of the church. He wants to make sure the church is more powerful than any Christian nation or empire, that the church was essentially a powerful empire into itself, unto itself, one that ruled above all Christian states and one that bound them together as nations, all following the same godly principles and all bending the need to the Pope. As Pope urban the second focuses on internal reform, just like Gregory, and is against a Simonine, the Selen of church offices and clerical abuses.

Also important for him to establish his authority, of course, over puppet Pope Clement III, and he can do that through the crusades. Getting a variety of Christian states to fight essentially his war, that's a serious big dick power move. No king could have pulled that shit off. No fake fucking puppet Pope could, Clement, you fucking cock sucker, but he could, and he did. The big flex. By the time he died in 1099, the puppet Pope faded into obscurity and when his successor was then named Pope and not

Clement III gig was officially up for the anti-Pope His background information shows how the crusades were definitely not just about religion Right, it was about a power struggle of Pope urban the second one of the centralized the church during this conflict If you wanted to make himself look more powerful than Clement III Initiating a massive holy war was the perfect fucking way to accomplish that. Very convenient timing. And then the fact that the Christians were successful in their main goal during the first crusade,

well, that gave the church a lot of power. Although Urban would die before the end of the first crusade and not be able to experience that success personally. On November 25, 1095, with the council of Claremont, Pope Urban the second calls for the first crusade to retake Jerusalem four Christians. Pope Urban convening the council for two main reasons, right, letting anti-Pope Clement third, the third,

and every secular ruler in Europe know that he had the biggest fucking dick on the continent and also answering Emperor Alexias' plea for help several hundred clerics and over men are present at the council history dot com writes urban delivered a rousing speech summoning rich and poor like to stop their infighting and embark on a righteous war to help their fellow Christians in the east and take back to russle urban denigrated the muslims exaggerating stories of their anti-Christian

acts and promised absolution and remission of sins for all who died in the service of Christ. Give the Pope, give the people a common enemy to unite them, give them a bogeyman. Whether that bogeyman is actually a threat or just believed to be a threat, doesn't matter. Nothing stops internal fighting more than the boogie man. Pope Urban II said in his order to reclaim the Holy Land, doose volts, meaning God wills it manifest destiny motherfuckers. Our sky daddy is the right daddy. And you can submit and pledge allegiance to our flag or you can fucking die in Fidel's. And this

is the kind of shit that scares me the most about religion. How so many people are willing to die, willing to kill others, all over a belief that their book that may or may not even be true is more important than some other book that may or may not be true. 60,000 to 100,000 people throughout Europe supported Irbans first crusade. And now March of 1096, the People's Crusade departs for Constantinople. Also known as the peasants crusade. There's a little precursor to the real crusader.

People's crusade was a group of commoners and low ranking knights, mostly common folk. The left a bit earlier than the main kind of, you know, established crusader armies. They were led by a literal donkey riding preacher named Peter the Hermit, who was a bit of a fucking lunatic. This guy's very entertaining. Peter the Herm was born in France in 1050, died back in France on July 8, 1115 after his

adventures, died near the border with modern-day Belgium. And one of the most important preachers of the first crusade, author Thomas Madden, describes Peter the Hermann in his book, The Consized History of the Crusades as writing from town to town on his donkey, this ragged holy man, mesmerized audiences with fiery and emotional sermons. Miracles followed Peter wherever he went. Demons were exercised, sicknesses healed, and confirmed sinners turned to God. Did he actually heal anyone? Or exercising demons?

I'm gonna say based on all the things I know about him, hard-known. He did sanction and even have a hand in the butchering of a bunch of unarmed women and children, more on that in a bit. I was believed the Peter carried a letter, literally sent to him from heaven, or God called on Christians to act against the Turks with the righteous vengeance, and man that's a fucking ridiculous thing to believe. Seriously, think about how ludicrous the notion of God given one guy an actual letter is. Why the fuck would a deity? Powerful beyond our comprehension, ever send an actual literal letter. So what God is up and having with a fucking quill and an inkwell, making

sure his calligraphy is all nice and tight and legible as he writes it out. And who delivers this letter? Some celestial courier, some postal service angel, get the fuck out of here. If God want to Peter donkey, dude, delete a bloody charge of thousands against the Muslims, why wouldn't God come address Peter's whole group directly? Better yet, why wouldn't God just kill him? That God wants him dead. Why does God have to write a note to donkey, dingle like some fucking junior high girl?

And that's his donkey, dude dude to do his bidding for him. Thinking about people, you know, actually believing the shit is literally painful to me. It makes me want to scream when I think about how many people, some people to this day actually believe that there's a God who will do things like write people letters. Say, and he wants them to kill other people for not believing in him. Dear Peter, it's God. God the God you know it's up Sorry to bother you. I know you have plenty to do between feeding your donkey and Barely scraping in existence together in a world with no snack bars or air conditioning or proper medicine and stuff

But I have a small favor to ask could you please go kill a bunch of Muslims. I hate them pretty please We should run top it really hurts me that they don't believe in me ask. Could you please go kill a bunch of Muslims? I hate them. Pretty please? We'll shove around top. It really hurts me that they don't believe in me. It makes me super angry. And sad inside. I hate them even though I literally created them. LOL. Anyways, thanks. God, PS, you have really cool donkey. And I think you're pretty cute. So anyway, Peter's dumb sermons gather a lot of support from thousands of crusaders, including a bunch of powerful lords. You preach to all ages, genders and classes. You gather crusaders from as far west as England.

This guy with the fucking God letter in the donkey, which says a lot about the state of the world at this time. And on the way to Constantinople, he and his fellow crusaders do some terrible shit. While Peter is traveling across France and Germany towards Constantinople, he and the men he led decided to get in some practice killing non-believers by targeting random Jewish people. They massacre Jewish people, thousands of them, primarily in five cities, and also killed some local Catholic bishops who tried to protect Jewish people in the city of months.

For example, Peter and some men with him stormed the palace of the bishop, where Jewish people were taking refuge in a description of the attack reads, they killed the women also and with their sword pierced tender children of whatever age and sex. The Jews seeking that their Christian enemies were attacking them and their children and that they were sparing no age, likewise fell upon one another, brother, children, wives and sisters and thus they perished at each other's hands. Horrible to say, mothers cut the throats of nursing children with knives and stabbed others Preferring them to perish thus by their own hands rather than to be killed by the weapons of the uncircumcised Yeah, that should happen

And pretty similar shit will happen with hiller nearly a thousand years later I wonder how many people would do something like that today. Thoughts like that make me root for robotic advancements and daydream about hopefully someday. If we don't change our ways, robots will kill us all. Go Sky Net Go! I have to remember that there have always been people who don't do shit like that though.

Like the bishops who died, trying to protect people of another faith from being slaughtered. I do not focus on just the bad apples. Give me the right perspective, Nimrod. Okay, back. I have to make you to Constantinople, although advised by Emperor Alexias

to wait for the other armies before kicking some Muslim ass. Peter wasn't having it. His fucking donkey is ready to go. He wasn't Peter the patient. He was ready to ride his war ass straight into hell and he and his army left early and crossed the bosporus straight in august 6th once they finally reached chargers land the people's crusaders were not very effective against train soldiers at all a lot of infighting broke out they divided amongst their respective cultural

groups and do you know little gatherings of Germans Italian and the French. The French Crusaders launched a surprise raid on the suburbs of Nicaea and were actually successful. One their first skirmish with the Muslims. The Germans then tried to follow up, but the Turks were better prepared for them now and killed or captured pretty much all of them. Some Germans who were announced Christianity and converted were sent east. The rest were executed. Yeah, you're legit. The Turks sent sent a fake message to the French from the Germans telling them about a bunch of riches they found and the French fell for it. French forces set up for the treasure despite and, you know, uh, you know, being warmed. It's not do so.

And once they were in Turkish territory, they were slaughtered. Most of them. A few were worried about the message being a trick because they did get some warnings. Uh, didn't join the battle. One of the French who did not fight was Peter the donkey fucker. I think that was his nickname, it's hard to remember. He returned to Constantinople, nearly solo for talks with Alexias, Madden writes, there he received the news of the elimination of his crusade, of all the thousands who had

followed the beloved preacher from France to Asia Minor. Peter himself was virtually the only survivor. There was nothing for him to do, but enjoy the Emperor's hospitality, while awaiting the arrival of the main body through Crusade. So much for that fucking letter from God, huh? Do just let a bunch of people to be slaughtered after helping kill an estimated 10,000 Jewish unarmed people,

just living their lives in Christian nations, just not wanting to worship the same version of God. One more thing about the people's living their lives in Christian nations. Just not wanting to worship the same version of God. One more thing about the people's crusade before we move on. Some members of the people's crusade reportedly followed a holy goose for a little while. On the way to fight the Turks, like an actual goose. The story goes that a woman's goose was following her around and pretty soon some people started to think that goose was special.

And they started to think the goose was divinely inspired. So now they started following the goose around. And then that was deemed blasphemous by a lot of other crusaders because it was generally agreed upon that animals didn't have souls. So they couldn't be divine. I'm sure they had a lot of intelligent arguments about this. No, John, it's not God's holy goose. God never mentioned a goose once. In the letter he wrote to Peter. Come on! You act crazy. You're embarrassing yourself.

What are you thinking following an actual goose? We need to keep our heads on straight. We need to think clearly and rationally. We've got to just keep following the old wizard on the donkey with a handwritten of God. Now let's go kill some Jewish kids. Like he asked us to help him do and leave this goose madness behind us. August 15th 1096 marks the official

start of the first crusade. Sorry, Peter. Again, historically, Europe precursor. During the first crusade, there were four primary armies from different regions of Western Europe participating. These armies were led by Raymond IV, Count of Toulouse, born in 1041 or 1042 in Toulouse, France. According to Britannica, he was one of the most effective of the Western European rulers who joined the First Crusade. Raymond was a pious lay leader of the Papacy's reform movement.

Many historians believe that before Perp, Perp, Pope, Pope urban the second ever preached about the first crusade, he probably secured assurance that Raymond would participate. Emperor Alexius disliked Raymond at first, but Raymond became the most faithful partisan of the Emperor's territorial interest in the crusade, sometimes to his own disadvantage. Raymond assisted in the capture of Antioch from the Turks in 1098. Victory! Antioch was once a city in ancient Syria, currently the city of Antakya and South Central Turkey near the Syrian border.

Antioch was a very important city in the early days of Christianity, said to be the very first city where people lived who called themselves Christians. Raymond also helped organize the march on Jerusalem and took part in his later capture in 1099. There he will refuse the Crusaders crown to rule the state on behalf of the Pope, and it will be given to God free of Boulin, with whom he reportedly quarreled. Speaking of God free, God free of Boulin was the first Latin ruler in Palestine after the capture of Jerusalem. He ruled what was then named the Kingdom of Jerusalem.

He accepted the position, as I mentioned, when Raymond declined it, he refused to be called king, took the title of defender of the Holy Sepulchre. Godfrey was the descendant of the legendary Charlemagne, and was, quote, idolized in legend and songs as a perfect Christian knight, a peerless hero of the whole Crusade-Nepic. Godfrey arranged trusses with Muslim cities of Ashkelon, Caesarea, Acre, Ashkelon, or Ashkelon is located on the coast of Plain of Palestine or Southwestern Israel since 1948, 12 miles north of Gaza. Caesarea is an ancient port and administrative city that was part of Palestine now on the Mediterranean coast of Israel, and Acre is a city in northwest Israel along the Mediterranean Sea.

After God frees death on July 1811, his brother, Baldwin, the first, will succeed him and become the Crusader King. It'll actually take the title of King for the Crusader state of Jerusalem. Next dude, Hugh of the Mondwa. Brother of King Philip I of France, he was the leader of a smaller fifth force that set out before the four main contingent sent up by Pope Urban in August of 1096. The Manduah's forces were unfortunately greatly reduced by an unfortunate shipwreck, while across in the Adriatic Sea. Finally, a Bowman of Otranto, aka Bowman I, was one of the leaders

of the first crusade who helped conquer Antioch in 1098. Went on to be named a prince of Antioch from 1098 to 1101, again from 1103 to 1104. And for Alexias had an agreement with crusaders where they were supposed to give conquered land to him, but as you can see, that didn't always happen. He took the shift for themselves and for the Pope. His birth name was actually Mark, but he was nicknamed after a mythical giant named Bowman. He described his tall and a strong knight. One contemporary called

him a wonderful spectacle. Sounds like that contemporary might have had the hots for Bowman. Bowman was left as a de facto possessor of Antioch when the crusaders left for Jerusalem in January of 1099. Following success in the first crusade in 1105, he traveled to Italy, talked to the Pope, in 1106, he traveled through France and, quote, their babies were named for him. Crowds heard him denounce the pothidious, Alexias, and shrines received sacred relics from his hands. He was a majestic figure.

That year, he married the daughter of Phil I, France, Bowman returned to do more crusading in the next couple of years with mixed success and then died in 1111, leaving the city of Antioch to his sons. Backing up now to the events, these guys had a big hand in. And the fall of 1096, and the time let him move a little faster once we get going. A lot of stuff was still setting up. And the fall of 1096, leaders of the second wave of the first crusade arrived, uh, staggered at Constantinople, up to 30,000 soldiers gathered at the Capitol. Emperor Alexias made their leaders swear an oath of loyalty to him and recognize his authority over any land. They regained that was once under Byzantine control as well as the territory. But as I pointed out, that wouldn't really happen. Uh, this was the

Pope's crusade, not Alexias. If he wanted shit done his way, well, he should have fucking kicked some Islamic ass by himself instead of calling for fucking help. And may have 1097, the crusaders and their allies attacked an ISEA, modern day, isnic Turkey, which was the Seljuk Turk capital of Anatolia, aka southwestern Asia, also called Asia Minor. I see it surrounded in June. It had fallen into Turkish hands 16 years earlier. On June 19th, 1097, the Turks under Kileshish, or excuse me, Kileshish, oh, this is the tough one.

Kilesh, Auzlan. Unsuccessfully attacked the Crusaders at Dora Leum, in ancient city in Anatolia. Kilesh, Auzlan, was the Sultan of Rome, a state established and conquered Byzantine land by the Seljuk Turks. On July 1st, 1097, the Crusader army won against a Muslim army at Dora Leum. The Crusaders led by a bowman, the magnificent beast, were almost destroyed before backup arrived to save them.

October 21st, 1097, the Crusaders reached Antioch, which was under the rule of a Seljuk Turkish commander, February 6th, 1098, Baldwin of Bullion. Reaches the city of Odessa, currently Irfa Turkey, ruled by Toros, a Christian prince. As mentioned previously, Baldwin was the younger brother of Godfrey of Bullion. Toros promises Baldwin to make him his heir in exchange for military aid, and Baldwin's like, nah, fuck that. How about I, how about you just get off my throne? Let me sit there. And that happens. Guys are kicking a lot of ass and foreign lands. March 9th 1098, Prince Toros killed in the

riots. Following day, March 10th, Baldwin just takes control of Odessa and starts the first Latin settlement in the east. The county of Odessa was one of four crusader created states in the Levant. The county of Odessa lasted from 10 four Crusader created states in the Levant. The County of Odessa lasted from 1098 to 1150. The principality of Antioch will last from 1098 to 1287. The County of Tripoli will last from 1102 to 1289. And finally, the Kingdom of Jerusalem and its various forms will last from 1099 to 1291. The borders of these states, these Crusader states will fluctuate a lot during their years of existence based on many battles. The Levant, my brain doesn't want to say,

I've listened to so many pronunciation guides of this word. I always want to say Levant. Everybody says Levant or Levant defined as the Eastern Mediterranean coastal lands of Asia Minor and Phoenicia. Modern day Turkey, Syria and Lebanon, in a wider sense the term can be used to encompass the entire coastline from Greece to Egypt. The Levant is a part of the fertile crescent and was home to some of the most ancient Mediterranean trade centers, is the homeland of the Phoenician civilization. The Levant is also synonymous with the terms Latin East and Crusader states. June 3rd, 1098, the first Crusaders capture Antioch following an eight-month siege. During the siege of Antioch, a man named Peter Bartholomew, not Donkey Peter, new Peter,

claimed that Saint Andrew, the patron saint of Scotland, Greece, and Russia, appeared to him and showed him where to find the Holy Lance, the spear that is believed to have been used by the Romans to pierce Jesus' body at the crucifixion. Obviously, this Peter is so much more mentally stable than Peter the Hermit. This Peter didn't make some ridiculous claim that God wrote him of, please go murder these people, no, no, no, no. This Peter correctly claimed that Saint Andrew, aka Andrew the Apostle, follower of Christ, showed up, in a vision, and told him where to find a magical weapon. Why wouldn't Jesus show up, you know, himself and, you know, talk about where the lance was? You might wonder.

Well, he didn't want to talk about it. He was a sore subject still. Count Raymond of Toulouse was the one who commanded that they search for the lance. Again, a lot of good thinking going on back here. So much reason to wisdom, a lot of sharp minds. June of 1098, Peter led the leaders of the first crusade to the cathedral, St. Peter and Antioch. He indicated the lance will be found there. On June 14th after a day of digging, he jumps into the hole, picks up a little piece of iron, he's like, I got it. This is the lance. And some people believe that was real,

and it was carried into the battle. And a lot of other people did not believe it was real, and thought it was a bunch of bullshit. There are currently numerous legends about the supposed land saying it's under St. Peter's in Rome or somewhere in France or on display at the Imperial Treasury in Vienna, etc. This Peter will later become a spiritual leader in Antioch when a local bishop dies. He'll also continue having religious visions, which will cause more and more people to eventually think he's that shit fucking crazy. One of his visions was about God ordering him to execute all sinful crusaders. And his fellow crusaders really weren't big fans of that vision in particular. It seemed like he was just, you know, trying to get some

kind of spiritual permission to kill people he didn't care for. Let's go ahead and interesting end. On Good Friday, in April of 1099, this Peter voluntarily submits to a trial by fire to prove he's a true man of God. He's not a con artist who made up a bunch of shit about the Holy Lance. He was convinced God would not let him burn the divine intervention would save him and he was wrong. I can't believe people would do this shit.

April 8, 1099, two large fires are built right next to each other. The flames reportedly reach 50 feet up into the air. After kneeling for a moment in prayer, this Peter just walks in between him. A ledge holy lance in hand. He emerges on the other side, still walking, still living, but he's pretty burnt to fuck up. His supporters cheer, he's like, ah, he did it, he's alive. You know, he probably looked like Fire Marshall Bill or Freddie Krueger, but alive. It was a miracle. But then, you know, three days later, he dies because he was badly fucking burnt. So maybe he wasn't as close with God as he thought he was. June 28th, 1098, the crusaders defeat a large Muslim army that was sent to recapture Antioch. They decided to spend the summer in Odessa before continuing on.

In mid-November 1098, the armies of Raymond, count of Toulouse, and Robert of Flanders, Bob of Flanders. Arrived at the siege of Meira now. Quick introduction to Flanders, Bob Flanders. Robert of Flanders. Robert I aka Count of Flanders. He'll die October 13th, 1093. He led a pilgrimage to Jerusalem in the late 1080s. On his return in 1090, he temporarily served the army of Alexiest First. The siege was successful, but it came at a cost. And that cost was about 20,000 lives. And a fair share of those who died were eaten. On December 11th, 1098, a rott all naman fell to the crusaders, where the siege took place and the crusaders practiced cannibalism, eating the bodies of Muslims to survive.

So they won the battle, but they didn't have enough food to stay alive after winning the battle. One chronicler wrote, some people said that constrained by the lack of food, they boiled pagan adults and cooking pots, impaled children on spits, and devoured them grilled. Did that happen? Like that chronicler said, it was a little dramatic. Why would they boil the adults but grill the kids? Was it a size thing?

Did they have a fucking kid-sized grill? For some reason, an adult-sized cooking pots? Another wrote, I shudder to tell that many of our people harassed by the madness of excessive hunger, cut pieces from the buttocks of the seroton, serotones already dead there, which they cooked, but when it was not yet roasted enough by the fire, they devoured it with savage mouth.

She's getting a little unholy in this holy quest. February, March of 1099, a rank and file forrest at Antioch under the command of count Raymond of Toulouse continues on to Jerusalem now on June 7th and 99 the Crusader army arrived at the walls of Jerusalem one step closer to completing the primary objective of the first crusade This time Jerusalem was occupied by the Egyptian fatimates the fatimates were Shiite Muslims were enemies of the Seljiks who were Sunni Muslims The fact that it's where Shiite Muslims were enemies of the Seljiks who were Sunni Muslims, Shiites believed that Islam would be led by descendants of Muhammad while Sunnis believed that the leader of Islam should be appointed by election and consensus. Today Sunnis make up 84 to 90% of the world's Muslims. June 17th 1099, a small fleet of Genoese and English ships arrive at Jaffa to supply the first crusaders in Jerusalem with some weapons.

Fuck yeah bro, get some swords. Jaffa the southern and oldest port of Tel Aviv, it was an ancient port city on July 8th, 1099, a procession of crusaders surround Jerusalem. On July 10th, the first crusaders construct siege towers to assist in their attack on Jerusalem. And on July 15th, the first crusaders cap shot the city. Hooray! I thought about 3000 crusaders died in the siege. It counts very wildly of how many Islamic soldiers and citizens died. They ranged from 3000 to 70,000. Tenkrid, the nephew of Bowman, had promised the residents of Jerusalem protection, but then

he was like, JK, fuck you guys. And the Crusaders killed hundreds of men, women and children, or thousands or tens of thousands. One chronicler described the massacre that occurred during the siege of Jerusalem, thusly, some of our men, and this was the more merciful, cut off the heads of their enemies, others tortured them longer by casting them into the flames. Piles of heads heads hands and feats Feet singing covered the streets. I don't know why feats makes it like silly to me

There was piles of heads hands and feats so many piles of feats Some Jewish people who had helped defend the city were locked inside a synagogue and set on fire Women children the elderly also slaughtered for the glory of Rome, for the glory of China Christ. July 19th, 1099, Pope Urban II dies without hearing news of the capture and wanton slaughter of Jerusalem, either 63 or 64 depending on the source. July 22nd, 1099, Godfrey of Boulon, is elected ruler of the new Crusader settlement of Jerusalem. After the first Crusaders achieved the goal of conquering Jerusalem, many of them left for home in order to govern the conquered territories.

The remaining Crusaders established the four Western settlements I mentioned earlier, the Crusader states of Jerusalem, Odessa, Antioch, and Tripoli. The need for more soldiers to defend these Crusader states in the Middle East led to the creation of some military orders such as the Knights Templar and Knights Hospitaler. On August 10, 1099, a Muslim army sent to recapture Jerusalem as defeated the Battle of Ash Klan now. September 1099, the Crusader state of the Kingdom of Jerusalem is officially created. Baldwin becomes the first true King of Jerusalem after Godry of Boyan dies July 18 1100.

On November 15 1100, a new Pope, Pope, uh, Pascal, the second, preach for the crusade to continue. God wanted more fucking blood. And he threatened his orders and those with unfulfilled crusade vows with x communication. Keep killing for killer Christ or burn in hell. I mean, that is basically what he said what he decreed on May 17th 1101 Cesar Cesaria. I think it's Cesaria. There we go Cesaria that ancient port city on the Mediterranean coast is captured by crusaders on May 26th 1101 the crusaders capture acre the coastal city in Israel The Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Kosovo City, the Koso-13, the Knights Hospitaler are born from Crusades. They were reorganized as a new religious order by Pope Paschal II.

The Knights Hospitaler were formerly known as the Knights of the Order of the Hospital of Saint John of Jerusalem, and that title was a bit lengthy. A bit of a mouthful. Not very catchy or easy to remember, so they quickly became known as the Knight's Hospitaler. The Knight's Hospitaler were originally founded to provide aid and medical care to Christian pilgrims, but they eventually became a military order, warriors for Killer Christ in a sense.

The Knight's Choir Territory in Europe and would contribute to the Crusades in Iberia and in the Middle East. According to the World History and Cyclopedia, the Knights still exist today in several modified forms, such as the Roman Catholic, sovereign military order of St. John, okay, and pretty lengthy title,

and the volunteers, St. John's ambulance brigade. The night's hospitaler were likely first established pre-Crucades at 10 AD at the hospital of St. John and muzzle of controlled Jerusalem, Jerusalem, yeah, my gosh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem, Lim, my brain's freaking out also on the way. By a group of merchants from Amalfi, Italy,

the order was dedicated to John, the Almsgiver, a patriarch from the seventh century. He was later replaced by St. John the Baptist. The hospital was divided by gender and offered aid to pilgrims in the Holy Land and Benedictine monks ran the hospital. After the capture of Jerusalem, Jerusalem, wow, in the first crusade, the order became more militaristic. They were eventually

granted independence from any local religious authorities by the church and given permission to do less tending to the sick and wounded and more making people wounded or dead. So slight change of focus. The much more infamous order of the night's templer began in 1120. I did a two-parter about the night's templer back in the summer of 2018 if you really want to dive a lot deeper than I'll dive today. Episode 92 and bonus episode 23 just a just a little summary right now. Night's templer founded to protect travelers visiting the Holy Land and to carry out military operations History.com describes them as a

wealthy powerful and mysterious order that has fascinating historians and the public for centuries tales of the Knights Templar They're financial and banking acumen their military prowess and their work on behalf of Christianity during the Crusades Still circulate throughout modern culture Well, why did they form? In a word, demand. They fulfilled a need. Pilgrims from Europe following the capture of Jerusalem. Jerusalem. That's going to mess with the rest of the episode now, of course.

We're traveling from Western Europe to visit the Holy Land in numbers like they had never done before. And they kept running into the medieval equivalent of Wild West Stage Coach pandits, right? Deb Nabbit. Many of them were robbed and were murdered during their journeys and they didn't like that. So in 1118, a French knight named Hugh DePain created a military order with eight of his relatives and acquaintances. They called themselves the poor fellow soldiers of Christ and the Temple of Solomon. And that name sucked. Again, shiti, overly wordy, not catchy. So it didn't stick. And they soon became known as the Knights Templar. Way better name. Supported by Baldwin II, ruler of Jerusalem, Jerusalem. God, why is it? They

established a base on the temple mountain promise to protect the Christian pilgrims from thieves and others looking to do them harm. The Catholic Church formally endorsed a group in 1129 and in 1139, another new pope, Pope innocent the second, issued a papal bull giving special rights to the Knights Templar. They were exempt from taxes allowed to build oratories and were only subject to the Pope's authority. And that made a lot of rulers real nervous. Right, of course, it did. The Pope had warriors now who were essentially above the law. The Knights Templars soon established a prosperous network of banks and they gained a lot of financial power and influence. This banking system allowed pilgrims to deposit their assets at home, France, wherever, then later withdraw funds in the Holy Land. That happened to carry that

money over there. The Templars became known not just for their banks, but also for being some bad ass warriors. And for the rule of the Templars, which detailed their strict code of conduct and dress code, the Knights took oaths of poverty, chastity, and obedience, celibacy. Many of these took oaths, you know, these oaths very seriously. The Knights established chapters in Europe as the order grew. At one point they had a fleet of ships and they straight up owned the Mediterranean island of Cyprus, which then served as the main bank and lending institution for European monarchs and nobles. They bought the island from Richard the Lionheart, King of England and a crusader

himself. The Knights' role changed as time passed more and more. They helped defend the Crusader states and the Holy Land became known as highly skilled warriors. They built castles, one numerous battles against Islamic armies. The Knights were known for a fearless fighting style, truly thought of themselves as God's warriors, the Pope's Spartans, Sparta. But all throughout history, God's warriors do eventually fall and so did the Templars. When the Muslims started gaining more and more power towards the end of the Crusades, the Knights eventually had to relocate out of the Holy Land. And after the end of the crusades, the Knights eventually had to relocate out of the Holy Land. And after the end of the crusades and 1291 support for military campaigns in the Holy Land greatly decreased.

Now no longer needed in the same way, secular and religious leaders, you know, criticize the Knights Tempor for their money and influence. By 1303, the Knights lost their last foothold in Muslim territory, set up a base in Paris, and then King Philip the fourth of France Decided to bring them down he owed him some money that he didn't want to pay back and they were denying him further loans So he decided to solve his debt and lending problem at the same time by framing and dismantling them and then just taking their shit On October the 13th 13 oh seven numerous French tempers were arrested. Many of them were tortured until they made false confessions to things like heresy, homosexuality, financial corruption,

devil worshiping, fraud, and literally spitting on the cross. But you know, like, why the fuck would they do that? Well, they were evil. They got evil on the side. The devil got into. They were evil devil loving butfuckers. They weren't, but that's how they were portrayed. The now infamous demon boffamette comes from the framing of the Templars. No one had ever heard of this fucker prior to the early 14th century, and then accusations were made against the Templars that they worshiped this alleged demonic entity and accusations like that were good enough to get a person burned at the stake. And that's what happened. Dozens of Templars were burned at the stake for shit. They likely never, ever did the grandmaster of the Knights, them himself executed in 1314. Pope Clement V after being pressured by King Philip completely dissolved the Knights Templar in 1312. Some believe that their property and assets were

then given to the Knights, hospitals, much more likely the King Philip and King Edward II of England actually took all the money and assets and divided it amongst themselves. The modern Catholic Church has acknowledged that the persecution of the nights was totally unjustified and they claim the pope was pressured to destroy the order by secular rulers. Probably true. And there have been so many conspiracy theories surrounding the night's simpler. For so many years now, some people believe the order is still around in secret. Illuminati. And the 1700s groups like the infamous Freemasons revive some of the night

symbols, rituals and traditions. And now some people think that the Freemasons are the Templars. You know, freaks people out. People who think the Freemasons secretly rule the world. I have actually met people who truly believe this. And every single one of them genuinely have seemed to me to be at least somewhat mentally old Some believed at the night's Templar guarded the shroud of turran a linen cloth believed to have been placed on Jesus's body Before he was buried others believed they had a possessed and still possess

Magical religious artifacts like the Holy Grail Ark of the Covenant this magical religious artifacts, like the Holy Grail, Ark of the Covenant, parts of the cross that Jesus was crucified on, and people believe these artifacts gave them magical other worldly power, but did they, because Muslim forces would eventually beat the shit out of them, knock them completely out of the Middle East.

So I doubt they possessed any crazy powers. Before I leave this little summary, the Knights Templar, let me share a list of some of their rules because I find some of these very entertaining., the Knights Templar, let me share a list of some of their rules because I find some of these very entertaining. As the Knights Templar grew, so did their code of conduct, and they eventually had to follow a list of hundreds of rules much more than the original 68 from the 1129 draft of the rule of the Templars. The original documents no longer exist.

We just have some translations. The following are some of the stranger rules and regulations and I had to follow. I love that for almost every one of these rules, you know that something happened that made whoever was in charge feel like they needed to add this rule to the list. One rule was sharing balls. You got to share balls, right? The balls are for sharing. I'm guessing this one was born when these dudes just kept getting into fights over who,

you know, the various ball belong to. Hey, what are you doing, Roland? That's my fucking bowl. You put your porridge in. No, no way, Peter. Look at that notch there. I put that there so everyone would know it's my bowl. And I just kept going back and forth and back and forth until someone was like, enough. Another the bowl talk, new rule. Everyone shares all the bowls. Right? No bowl belongs to anybody. Another rule was only eating meat three times a week, excluding certain holidays. So there must have been a meat shortage or just, you know, too many dudes.

Just fucking all you can eat with face style, feasting on all the best meats. And those dudes ruined it for everybody. Another rule, a brother on penance had to eat on the floor in front of everyone. I think it's a bit much. That's pretty embarrassing. This is one of my favorites. No pointed shoes or shoes. I like the no pointed shoes. Right? That came from something. What is with all the pointed shoes around here? You can't throw a rock in this fortress without hitting a pair of pointy shoes. That's what I got. If I trip over one more pair of pointy shoes when I get up to go to the bathroom. No embracing any women, including mothers and female family members.

What happened there? Do they have some creepy long huggers, right? Smashing the tits of people's moms and aunts, you know, coming over to visit. I had to make a no-hog in any tits rule. Uh, another rule no shortening stir-up letters, girth, sword belts, or breach girdles without permission, but the Knights could adjust their buckles without permission. No idea where that came from. No bathing without permission. I don't know if somebody was hogging the tub.

Finally, this is my favorite. No talking about sexual experiences with women. Somebody clearly wouldn't shut the fuck up. And they were riling up all the other nights. You know, who'd all taken Bowser's telebusies. Someone's like, dude. Dude. When I was a single center, like before, all this shit.

Oh my god. One night at a brothel. Literally, I swear, literally almost drowned in pus. And then like, the command was like, God free, please! Stop with the sex talk. Dude, what's your favorite color, Nipple? I gotta say, mine's pink. I love me, a pink Nipple. Well, it's a male and a bachelors, God free!

You know, it's in its odd because I prefer a tan colored pus. One night an actor, I had sex three times with this lady, pink nipples, brown pus. Did even know that was his thing. That's it, god, for sure. It's a fuck up time for a new rule. Half the man in this temple wouldn't be able to stand up right now. We suddenly had to defend ourselves. July of 1124, down with the Templars now. The Frank sees tire now on the coast of 1124, Denver, the Templars now. The Franks sees Tyre now on the coast of Southern Lebanon, which allowed them to occupy the

coast to Ash Klan. Crusaders still kick and ask, but someone's about to start changing all that. 1127, Imad Al-Din Zanghi became the ruler of Mizzoul. Zanghi was an important Muslim leader during the Crusades. He was an Iraqi ruler, founder of the Zangid dynasty, and he led the first important counter-attacks against the Crusader kingdoms. Zanghi's father, the governor of Aleppo, and present-day northern Syria was killed by Crusaders in 1094, so he didn't have a lot of love in his heart for Crusaders. Zanghi then fled to Mizzoul, a city in northwestern Iraq. From there, he served the Seljuk Turks and in 1127 the Seljuk

Sultan appointed him as governor of Basra during Rebellion in 1127. He supported the Sultan and was rewarded with the governorship of Mizzul. In 1128 the Franks attempted to seize Damascus but they failed and then Zanghi can gain control of Aleppo. In 1137, King Fulc of Jerusalem is captured then released by Zanghi. Fulc, the younger became the King of Jerusalem when a bald one the second died in 1131. He allied with the Byzantines against Zanghi and helped Damascus keep Zanghi out. And 1139 Zanghi siege to Damascus still didn't take it down but he kept it in close. 1140 both Damascus and Jerusalem ally again, sanghi. Sanghi is a real fucking problem. On December 24, 1144, Muslim, Seljuk Turks again led by

sanghi do capture a desa. This event marks the end of the first crusade and led Christian authorities in the west to call for another crusade to take a desa back and capture more holy land territory. So the fighting from one crusade, the aftermath leads to the second crusade. Zebra 1st 1145, another new Pope, Pope Eugene III, Pope Gene, called for the second crusade. Zangie meanwhile wouldn't get to enjoy his victory over a desa for long. He was murdered in 1146, reportedly by a servant who had a grudge against him. Zangie son, Nuraldin inherited a lepo after his father's death.

In September of 1146, Jostle in the second count of a desa attempts to retake a desa but fails. And the city is sacked by Neuraldin. From 1147 to 1148, some Germanic and Danish nobles lead campaigns against pagans in the Baltic area. So we got some little a little bit of crusade side action going on now. Now that a policy has been set forth where Christian soldiers feel like they have carte blanche when it comes to any non-Christians, carnage in the world is greatly increased and not just always against the Muslims, but just anybody who doesn't follow the pope.

Throughout this timeline, far too much to mention at all, in and outside of Europe, Jewish villages and neighborhoods are being destroyed as are various pagan communities, various other Christian, you know, sex will be destroyed, women raped, children men, elderly killed, all their property taken, and it all felt justified to the people doing it, right? God's will was being done. The official second crusade begins in 1147,

last to 1149. So this is a little short one. This time with the primary purpose again to recapture Odessa for Christians and the second crusade is not successful. The second crusade is led by King Louis of the 7th of France and King Conrad III of Germany. From September to October 1147 the armies of the second crusade arrive in Constantinople. On October 25th, 1147, Muslim Seljuk Turks attack an army led by Conrad at Dora Leum and this time around Turkish forces win. In December of 1147, an army led by Louis VII defeats a Seljik army in Asia Minor, right? Crusade victory, but then on January 7th, 1148, Louis's army, Louis is defeated by the Seljiks while crossing the Camdus Mountains. From July 24th through July 28th, the second crusaders participate in the siege of Damascus,

but ultimately fail. 1148 crusaders under Conrad of Germany and Louis the 7th besieged Damascus with an army of 50,000 men, largest Crusader force yet, but they are forced to give up when Neraldin arrives at the request of Damascus, with an even bigger force. The defeat of the Crusaders at Damascus marks the end of the second Crusade, but the Crusades of course are a long way from over. July 29th, 1149, Neraldin captures Antioch, which have been held by Crusaders since 1098,

another Crusader loss. And then Neuraldin takes Damascus, and 1154, this move unifies the parts of Syria that were Muslim. From 1163 to 1169, Neuraldin's general, Shurka, fights for control of Egypt. And 1169, Shurka succeeds in gaining control of Egypt. Takes on the title of Vizier, but dies within two months. He succeeded by future Sultan, Saladin, his nephew, Saladin. He's a bad motherfucker.

And the Crusaders in Cairo are forced to flee from Saladin. Saladin was a Muslim Sultan of Egypt in Syria who was a prominent historical figure during the Crusades. He was most known for the defeat of the Crusaders in the Battle of Haneen, excuse me, Hattin, where he slaughtered most members of an army up to 30,000 strong. And then he also, he captured Jerusalem. Jerusalem, wow, in 1187. Saladin was celebrated for his political

and mystery military skills. Brains all over the place now. Jerusalem, it's throwing me off, as well as his generosity. Saladin was born into Crete, Iraq in 1137 or 1138. Family was Kurdish, father and uncle, military leaders under Zanghi. Saladin grew up in Damascus,

rose up to the military ranks. He joined his uncle's army, which served Zanghi's son, Nur Aldin, on an expedition to Egypt. Saladin chosen to succeed his uncle in 1169 and command Nur Aldin's forces, appointed the zeer of the Fatimid Caliphate, which ruled over Egypt. When the last Fatimid caliphate, which ruled over Egypt.

When the last Fatimid caliph died in 1171, Saladin became governor of Egypt, and then reestablished a Sunni Islamic regime and strengthened Egypt as a base of Sunni power. In 1170, Nur al-Din gained control of Mizzul after his brother's death. In 1171, Saladin declared the Fatimid control of Egypt was over and he became ruler. And this marks the start of the, uh, a Yubid dynasty. This increased tensions between Neraldin and himself. Of course, even during the crusades, right? Muslims still fighting other Muslims, Christians still fighting other Christians. From 11, uh, 74 to 1193, Egypt is ruled by Saladin, the Sultan of Egypt in Syria. Nuraldin dies in 1174, Saladin launches a campaign to take control of his lands and establish

his regime as a world power, capable of challenging all four Crusader states. That's when he takes on the title of Sultan of Egypt. Saladin wants to unite Syria, Northern Mesopotamia, Palestine, and Egypt, and he will do so by 1186 through both force and diplomacy. He gains Muslim support by declaring himself leader of a holy war, defending Islam against the crusading Christians. In 1183, Seladin ceases Aleppo, which reunites Egypt and Syria, and 1185 Seladin officially gains control of Egypt, Damascus, Aleppo, and Mizzoul. In 1187, Seladin starts a major campaign against the Kingdom of Jerusalem. Nailed it!

And that was when his army destroyed the Christians in the Battle of Hattin from July 3 to the 4th in 1187. Seladin fought this battle against Guy of Luson, King of Jerusalem. Seladin lured Guy's army away from a water source, then set the grass on fire before shooting the crusaders with arrows. The crusaders grew extremely dehydrated to the point that eventually they were just unable to fight.

Following this battle, Saladin's forces won more victories across the kingdom of Jerusalem. And then on October 2nd, 1187, the city of Jerusalem surrenders to Saladin's army. This is perhaps one of the most, if not the most, devastating defeats for the Christians. They lost the crown jewel of the Holy Land,

and they won't really get it back. Saladin took most of the land controlled by the Franks, not for long, I'll explain later. He took most of the land controlled by the Franks, including the cities of Acre, Ciseria, Nazareth, Jaffa, leaving them with only tire, Tripoli, and Antioch. Most of the Christian survivors fled the tire after their defeats

elsewhere. Sell it and plan to kill all the Christians in Jerusalem as revenge for that 1099 massacre in Jerusalem. But he ends up showing some mercy by letting them buy their freedom. This loss of Jerusalem will lead to the third crusade. In October of 1187, another new Pope, Pope Gregory VI calls for the third crusade to recapture Jerusalem. Before this crusade gets going in July of 1188, Saladin's armies becaeds the Knights' hospitaler castle of Crac dé Chivalais,

but then withdrew to meet the soldiers of the Third Crusade. And I'm so glad they did withdraw because now that castle is still there. And it looks fucking incredible. One of the best preserved medieval castles in the world. The Third Crusade will last from 1189 to 1192. The Third Crusader will manage to recapture some cities, but not Jerusalem. God explained, you know, why they failed in a nifty letter. He wrote to a little known crusader you've never heard of, Sir Randy of Dunkelshire.

And it is Shire! Not sure. Dear Randy, this is God. The real one, no cap. Sorry that so many of your crusaders got slaughtered but Sir God for the nice Templar guy. Look, he was supposed to stop talking about sex with women but he hasn't done that and I'm hell pissed. I hate the Muslims, I hate the Jews.

You know that, you know that. And I love it when you guys kill them. But I hate plus more. I hate plus so much more. And I won't let guys who just won't shut up about pink nipples and brown pus win a holy war. I can't. I can't do that.

Thanks. God. PS don't be too sad. There's going to be way more crusades so you can still be my chosen warriors and stuff later, okay? The third crusade was led by Richard I of England, aka Richard, Richard, the Lionheart. Philip II of France and the Holy Roman Emperor,

Frederick I, aka Frederick, Boberosa. Boberosa would challenge papal authority and sought to establish German predominance in Western Europe. Buddy would also fight for the Pope in the Third Crusade. After having an archbishop kneeled to him, Bob Arosa would lead anywhere from 12,000 over to 100,000 men, sources differ wildly about what that fucker got up to. Richard I of England earned his nickname Richard the Lionheart for his actions during the crusades legendarily brave the star of the third crusade the Brad Pitt the fucking Denzel Washington of the third crusade the siege of acre lasted from August 1189 to July 1191. The crusaders

will win but suffered heavy losses about 20,000 will die on June 10th 1190 Frederick the first Bob Rosa Holy Roman Emperor drowns in a river on his way to the Middle East, bomber. It seemed like a pretty decent dude, comparatively. He was the only Christian leader thus far to pass laws punishable by death for bidding Christians, and he was a Christian himself from Harming, Jews, and his kingdom. May of 1191, Richard the Lionheart captured Cyprus from a Byzantine prince and June Crusader armies under Philip II of France and Richard the First of England arrive at the siege of Acre. On July 12, 1191, Richard captures Acre.

During the siege, he reportedly used 13 ships loaded with hives of bees to cause his enemies to retreat, and that probably didn't happen, but it's cool story. All right, beat your asses with some bees, motherfucker. August 20th, 1191, Richard orders the execution of 2500 Muslim prisoners of this season. I don't want to go further without acknowledging that, yes, another dick in a sock. This is not a tall tail. This execution, that's a fuckload of POWC executed. September 7th, 1191, Dick the First Army defeats Saladin's army at Arsouf in present day Israel.

This was the only true battle as opposed to a siege of the Third Crusade. Richard led about 1200 men against 25,000 of Saladin's warriors. It's not that Dickard lost about 700 men to Saladin's 7,000. And Dickard the Lineheart, one hell of a battlefield tactician January 11th 92 rich of the first army arrives inside of Jerusalem But decides not to attack due to a fear of counter attack by Saladin's larger forces July 1192 Saladin's armies take jaffa these guys duke it out in 11 92 August of 1192

These guys duke it out in 11 to 92 August of 11 92 Richard the first army retakes jaffa back from salad in right fucking Duke it out these two monsters the battlefield after recapture the city of jaffa Richard the first reestablished his Christian control over the region and approaches Jerusalem now But refuses to siege the city with so many important religious sites. He won't risk destroying it and as a smart guy Know he doesn't have enough firepower to take it. Instead on September 2nd, 1192, Richard I and Saladin signed a treaty that ends the fighting. The treaty reestablishes the kingdom of Jerusalem, but that kingdom will not include the city

of Jerusalem in it, interesting compromise. And that will mark the end of the third crusade, although those two men never actually met Richard I and Saladin were said to have greatly respected one another. In 1192, Richard was captured by a Leopold of Austria on his way back to England. Leopold accused him of being involved in the murder of a cousin. Richard then released in 1194 when the sufficient ransom is raised. That's got suck, right? Dude doesn't get captured by Muslim forces after kicking so much ass, but then does get captured by some fellow Christians.

After getting out, he leaves crusading behind and goes to fight France. He will die seven years later in 1199 at the age of 41, after getting shot by a crossbow in the shoulder and battle, and then the wound turns gangrenous. He had the kid who shot him found, brought to him. And then after that kid said that he shot Richard because Richard had killed his dad and two of his brothers, Richard let him go. Even gave him a hundred shillings before sending him on his way. Richard Alignhart would be a great historical figure to examine some data in an episode. But back to today's topic. March 4, 1193, Richard's great crusades rival Sultan Saladin dies in his gardens in Damascus. He was in his mid-50s. Saladin's coalition of states separates after his death and his descendants will rule in Egypt and Syria.

After several years of civil war, Saladin's brother Al Adil takes control. Meanwhile in Europe, Holy Roman Emperor Henry VI leads German Crusade now from 1197 to 1198. And this is the bonus crusade of sorts, not one of the official ones. Henry VI was son of Frederick I, Bob Rosso, took over the empire when his dad left to participate in the crusades. His crusade won't last long because he dies of malaria. September 28th, 1197.

Before that, in September of that year, Crusade army of his does manage to capture Beirut. Then on November 28th, 1197, another Crusader army begins the siege of Turran. But then on February 2nd, 1198, the Crusaders abandoned their siege when they hear about the death of Henry VI. Took a long time for news to travel back then. Many months in this case. May of 1198, the order of the Tutonic Knights is officially sanctioned by Pope Innocent III. The Tutonic Knights were founded to help recapture Jerusalem during the Jerusalem. Oh my gosh! Juh, Jerusalem during the third crusade.

I literally can tired from all these difficult pronunciations. But when this ultimately failed, they established a hospital during this siege instead. Now the Pope and granted them the status of an independent military order. The Knights shift their focus from the Middle East to converting Christians and also taking land by force from other Christians in central and Eastern Europe, starting in Transylvania. So weird times the Tautonic Knights had their own kingdom and parts of Poland and Prussia for over two centuries going forward. They didn't do shit in the Holy Land, but they did shake up shit in Europe.

Not sure anyone saw that coming. And August of 1198, Pope Innocent III calls for the fourth crusade in another attempt to recapture Jerusalem from Muslims. They won't come close to doing that. They won't come within a thousand miles of Jerusalem this time. I'm glad that the world word I'm having trouble saying is in this text about a thousand fucking times The fourth crusade lasted from 1202 to 1204 instead of recapture in jtown. There we go Most of the focus ended up being a attacking former allies in Constantinople Popin called for this new crusade four years before it started It was delayed due to power struggles in both Western Europe and the Byzantine Empire years before it started. It was delayed due to power struggles in both Western Europe and the Byzantine Empire. Western European rulers weren't a fan of Emperor Alexias III running the Byzantine Empire. They favored his nephew Alexius IV. In fighting is dooming his crusading

ambitions. In October of 1202, the fourth crusade fleet leaves Venice. On November 24, 1202, the fourth crusade armies capture Zara, a Christian city on the Dalmatian coast, present-day Croatia. Zara was taken from the King of Hungary, all-suited Crusaders, others taking things from other Crusaders. Now, June 24th, 1203, the 4th Crusaders, they arrive in Constantinople. On July 17th, they captured the city, put Alexius the 4th on the throne. Alexius now attempts to submit the Byzantine church to Rome, but faces internal resistance and is killed in a palace coup in early 1204.

And late January, 1204, a dude with almost the same name, Alexios, leader of the Byzantine coup, Caesar's the throne, that's not confusing. Alexios, fucking pulled off a coup against Alexios. And now the Crusaders declare war on Constantinople again. On April 12th, 1204, the fourth Crusaders set Constantinople and now they carve up the Byzantine Empire for themselves.

So not really a Crusade, Christians fighting, other Christians here, and not fighting in the Holy Land. Many refugees fled to Niceia where a Byzantine government in exile is established. Then the Byzantine government will take back Constantinople in 1261, just so much Game of Thrones style in fighting. The last crusades take place from 1208 to 1271. According to history.com, the final crusades were aimed not so much to topple Muslim forces in the Holy Land, but to combat any and all groups seen as enemies of the Christian faith. The so-called Alba-Genzi in Crusade

lasts from 12-8 to 12-29 and is aimed to eliminate catharsis of Christianity and France. So this crusade is all about going after other Christians. Again, not really a crusade, like the others. During these crusades, Christians mainly targeted other Christians who did not bend the knee to the Pope and the Catholic Church. Catholics in the North declared war on the cathars and the South of France. Cathars believed that Jesus was an angel and that his death was illusory and thousands of them were killed and burned alive for believing that. One of the more bizarre events in this timeline was the Children's Crusade of 1212. Historians don't consider this an actual crusade.

And many question if children actually participated in it. Author and crusade historian Thomas Madden writes that children's crusade was not an army of children of children and it was not a crusade. Indeed, it was not even one thing, but a blanket term used to describe a variety of popular uprisings and processions. And mainly it was two, the stories according to the stories. The first was about this kid Nicholas. Kid from Cologne, leader of the movement in the Rhineland. He was on a mission to travel to Jerusalem. How did I get that right? And take the city back from Muslim control. Sure, a whole bunch of massive European armies, you know, couldn't get the job done, but you know, he's going to knock it out himself. He felt God wanted him to. Nicholas and his followers go to different

towns, gather support from other children, women women and the elderly, the poor clergy members. They receive food, gifts, money, support. They're considered heroes. By July of 1212, the group is crossing the Alps into Italy, people across Europe are inspired by Nicholas and his followers, like another kid named Stephen. A small French town near Vendome, a 12-year-old shepherd boy named Stephen had a vision where Jesus dressed as a pilgrim, asked him for bread. When Stephen gave him the bread, Jesus gave him a letter, meant for the king of France. So for Foxhike, here we go with the letters again. Stephen and some other shepherds now begin traveling to France.

They're soon joined by other children, clergy members, and the poor. Stephen and his followers eventually reached Paris and give some sort of letter to Philip Augustus. The contents of the letter are unknown, but it probably urged the king to participate in another crusade, but he would not do that. Meanwhile, other kid, Nicholas's group, they go to Genoa, Italy, August 25th. Nicholas tells his followers that the sea between Europe and the Middle East, the whole Mediterranean, is going to part for them, just like the Red Sea did in the middle east the whole metatronian they're gonna part for them just like the red sea did in the bible

and they were just gonna fucking walk to jarooslam more geniuses more geniuses heading to the middle east and a suicide mission uh... well that doesn't happen about half died even before making it to uh... to juneva those who did make it pretty bummed out when he doesn't you know part of the metatronian uh... many of them just head home now. Few don't. Nicholas himself tries to head home, dies on the way back home.

Apparently nobody in this group ever made it to the Holy Land. So some crusade. 1215 now popens in the third calls for the fifth crusade. He'll die on July 16th, 2012, 16 before begins. His successor, Pope Hanoius III continues planning this next crusade. The fifth crusade will last from 1217 to 1221. The purpose of this one was to attack Muslim cities in North Africa and Egypt. And this crusade, again, generally unsuccessful. In May of 1218, the fifth crusader army arrives in Egypt from June 1218 to November of 1219. Demidia Egypt is attacked and conquered after a siege. During the siege, the soldiers though,

suffer from severe scurvy. The crusaders were quote, seized with violent pains and their feet and ankles, their gums became swollen, their teeth loose and useless, while their hips and shin bones first turn black and putrified. Sounds hellish. Crusaders attack Egypt by land and sea. In the end, it was all for nothing. September of 1221, they are forced to surrender by Saladin's nephew, Sultan, all Malik Camille. The Balter Crusades then take place from 1211 to 1225. Mente subdued pagans now in Transylvania.

From 1228 to 1229, Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II forms the sixth crusade. This time diplomacy will be used to gain back J-Town. September 7th, 28th, Frederick II arrives in the Levant. February 12th, 1229, Frederick II and Al-Kameil signed a treaty, the Treaty of Jaffa, agreeing to give Jerusalem to the Christians in exchange for compensations a bit too complicated and frankly boring to get into here.

Also, there's a lot of disagreement over exactly who got what? Many scholars seem to think that Alchemyl just took a bad deal because he was not a great ruler and just didn't care that much about Jerusalem. The deal ultimately didn't really matter. The treaty expires 10 years later and the Muslims regain control of JTem. December of 1244, Louis IX, King of France vows to embark on a crusade

because why the fuck not? Everyone wants to be the guy that crusades the best. Put their name at the top of the history books, do what the others could not. King Louis IX will lead the seventh crusade to the Holy Land from 1248 to 1250 in that same time frame from 1245 to 1249. All Salih, a Sultan of Egypt and Syria, rules the next generation of the Ubud dynasty.

In 1247, all Salih captures Ash Kalan, Ash Kalan from the Franks from 1248 to 1254. Louis IX attacks Muslim cities in North Africa and Egypt and is unsuccessful. 1248 to 1250 also marks the end of the Ubit dynasty. A new dynasty called the Memluks emerges. The Memluks were descended from former slaves of the Islamic Empire. On August 25th, 1248, the doomed seven crusaders army now sales for Egypt leaving from southern France. It's almost over, but these idiots just not quite ready to give up.

June of 1249, these 7th Crusaders army lands in Egypt, then that same month, they capture the city of Dometia, then have to deal with some serious shit. Literal shit. So fucking much. So much showbiz. A peanut butter. I did not think I'd be diving back into poop filth the week after our kelly. I thought we'd be safe, but no.

Louis and his men suffer from a massive outbreak of dysentery during the seventh crusade. According to the book The Crusader World, the lower part of Louis's bridges were literally cut away. So he didn't have to continue taking his pants off because he was shitting that much. And all that shitting led to scurvy, severe maltration, lots of scurvy, lots of teeth falling out and whatnot, just great times. November 20th, 1249, the French King shitting loose toothed weakened scurvy army barely marches from Dmitia or Demetia towards Cairo and they don't make it too far. After marching a little over 30 miles on April 5th, 1250, the Crusaders army is defeated at Manzora. Luis Luis IX is captured.

Luis will be released on May 6th, 1250 for a bunch of ransom and then has to give back the territory of Demetia. So the 7th Crusade is over and it was all for nothing. They accomplished fucking nothing. Less than a decade later, some new and real scary people the Mongols Make it to the Middle East February of 1258 the Mongols under uh Hulagu gangus cons grants on take Baghdad Kill the last a bastard caliph and massacre most of the population

This is insane somewhere between 250,000 according to varying sources This is insane. Somewhere between 250,000 according to varying sources, between 250,000 and 2 million people are slaughtered by the Mongols. Just in Baghdad, unfucking real. In one siege, they may have killed more people than in all the Crusade battles combined. Then in January of 1260, Mongols under Hulagu take Aleppo from Muslim forces. March 1st, 1260, they take Damascus. They're a wee bit stronger than any of their crusading armies. But then on September 3rd, 1260, the Mamluks under the leader Kututs, they do defeat the

Mongols at the Battle of Anjalut. And now the Mongols dealing with their own internal power struggles abandoned the Middle East and they head back east. September 8th, 1260, the Mamluks take back Damascus though, or not though, sorry, they take back Damascus. And then on October 23rd, 1260, a man known as Baybars amongst other names, kills, culutes, or excuse me, kututs and become Sultan of Egypt. On July 25th, 1261, the Byzantines retake Constantinople.

Three years later, May 18th, 1268, Bab, Babers ceases Antioch and Jaffa. 1270, the eighth crusade, shadow of the former crusades, is formed to attack Muslim cities in North Africa, not even trying to fuck with the Middle East now. This crusade also led by French king Louis IX, who led the last crusade, and is also unsuccessful. The eighth crusade initially came as a response to the seizure of anti-Akkajafa, but then the mission is redirected to Tunis when they realized we don't have a fucking chance of taking those cities right now. July of 1270, the eighth crusader army lands at Tunis in North Africa and then on August

25th, Louis IX dies of scurvy. He didn't learn his fucking scurvy lesson in the last crusade. The eighth crusade is abandoned after Lewis's death, or Lewis's death, the crazy shit is almost over now. Despite of all these continual failures, Edward I of England begins another expedition in 1271, often grouped in with the eighth crusade, sometimes called the ninth crusade.

His quest was, I bet you can guess, not successful and was considered the last significant crusade. His quest was, I bet you can guess, not successful and was considered the last significant crusade. 20 years later, May 18, 1291, Acre, the last Christian stronghold in the Middle East falls to the Mamluks. A small delegation of Knights Templars would fight to the fucking bitter end. Dish out heavy losses. I talked about this in depth in the Knights Templar 2 Parter. They just didn't have the numbers to beat the Mamluks. Most historians believe this event marks the true end of the Crusades. Now, to the fall of Acre, other Crusader states, including the Kingdom of Jerusalem, were absorbed into the Mamluks, Sultanate. Very minor Crusades did continue after 1291, mostly military campaigns

meant to push Muslims out of conquer territory or campaigns to conquer pagan regions More people died very little was accomplished and that will take us out of this crusader timeline Good job soldier you made it back Despite most he failed attempts at conquest the crusades did leave a massive local and global impact. Before I talk about that, one more sponsor, sorry, but I think you might like this one. Coming this summer, from director Michael Bay in New Line Cinema, the greatest action blockbuster sequel in the history of all film. Opening in theaters on July 4th, Worldwide. Killer Christ 2, the final crusade,

with Nicholas Cage returning as the most bloodthirsty savior the world has ever known. Alright, let's now remember when I said, blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy Well, I misspoke I meant to say Blessed are the blood thirsty for they will burn the infidels and that's what gets my dick on Keanu Reeves returns as Satan. Whoa, I like it Jesus. You remind me of me. Haha. It's burned everybody together. Narly Morgan Freeman stars his move hobby.

Jesus, Satan, not sure what's going on here. But my brother's not going to lay down and just take what you're laying down here. We're gonna go full G-Hop against you crazy motherfuckers. The final crusade is here. God's done writing letters. Yeah, no more letters, Dad. Penn's not mire than the sword. Can't remember ever cutting an infidel's head off with one. Yeah, yeah, totally do. Watch the last movie that matters this summer. Don't miss Killer Christ 2. The final crusade.

Opening everywhere July 4th. Opening in select theaters in J Town on July 3rd Huh sounds pretty good. I thought the entire world was destroyed in the first killer crisis movie though I've it's gonna be interesting to see how the writers were able to kind of work around that for the sequel Anyway, I think I was talking about the crusades leaving a massive local and global impact Crusades led to the use of religious historical precedence to justify Western colonialism and war. Muslims view the Crusades as a bloody and immoral war because of the massacre of Muslim and Jewish people. The Crusades increased xenophobia and intolerance between Christians and other religious groups. Some Muslim people today call the Western involvement in the Middle East a Crusade.

According to historian, the Crusade's expert T. Ashbridge, excuse me, the precise role of the crusades remains debatable. Any attempt to pinpoint the effect of this movement is fraught with difficulty, because it demands the tracing and isolation of one single thread within the weave of history, and the hypothetical reconstruction of the world where that strand to be removed, where that strand to be removed. Some impacts are relatively clear, but many observations must perforce be confined to broad generalizations. While the following are some of the impacts of the crusades that we can point to with certainty. The crusades increased the presence of Christians in the event during the Middle Ages.

The crusades also led to the development of various religious military orders such as the Knights Templar. The crusades led to the polarization of the East and West due to religious differences. One of the biggest impacts of the crusades, probably the biggest, was that they increased the role and power of the Pope in the Catholic Church tremendously. This especially applied to the successful first crusade. The papacy in the church gained power over the Holy Roman emperors or secular leaders because of the idea that the Pope directed the affairs of the entire Christian world. The boundaries of the Pope's empire were not bound by the borders of a single state, but by the borders

of all Christian states. The church became especially popular at the time of the Crusades, largely because of Pope Urban's promise that the Crusaders would be forgiven from their sins, right? Free ticket to heaven. What a crazy thing to promise, right? Something with no scriptural basis, by the way, just some crazy shit the Pope said to pull off a big power play and worked. However, as the crusades continued, one after another with less and less success, overall, to prestige of the church did eventually decline. If the church couldn't hang onto the Holy Land, how godly were they? Another popular practice during the crusades that benefited the church in the short run,

that I haven't mentioned yet was a purchasing of indulgences. If one was not able to participate in the crusades that benefited the church and the short run that I haven't mentioned yet was a purchasing of indulgences. If one was not able to participate in the crusades directly, they could still receive spiritual benefits, aka salvation, by financially supporting the crusades. This idea was extended by the Catholic Church to create a whole system of paid indulgences, a situation which later will backfire on the Catholic Church tremendously when it directly leads to Martin Luther's Protestant Reformation in the 16th century CE. But before that happened, buying deals with God through the Catholic Church made the church a lot of money.

Culturally the Crusades increased the power of royal houses in Europe for a time, led to a stronger collective cultural identity. Some surviving royals increased their power thanks to so many other crusading nobles, dying while fighting Overall, though the power of the European nobility would weaken by the end of the crusades So many serfs left to go fight the feudal system that made the nobles rich started to decline and when more and more nobles lost their land due to expenses incurred Thanks to fruitless crusades more serfs are freed The crusades also increased international trade and the exchange of ideas and technology around the world.

Many Europeans were introduced thanks to the crusades to new spices like pepper and cinnamon, sugar, dates, pistachios, watermelon and lemons. Travel amongst regular Europeans also increased thanks to the crusades. Many people took pilgrimages to the Holy Land. Others developed a desire to read about pilgrimages and journeys to the Middle East and that travel would lead to more travel and exploration.

The Crusades proceeded and may have helped lead Europe into the age of exploration and the colonization of the New World. The core idea of the Crusades, a justified religious war for Christianity, definitely influenced colonization of the New World, explorers believe they were taking land for Christ, right? A form of manifest destiny. Ideas from the Crusades were used again and again in the early 20th century during the Allied occupation of Palestine by World War II, the term crusade

applied to the war against Nazi Germany. And the modern era, the fight against terrorism has often been called a crusade. President George Bush used the term after the 9-11 terrorist attack in 2001. Beliefs from the crusades have also been applied to the modern conflict between Israel and Palestine. But that big ol' can of worms as a story for another day, way too much to dive into right now. Right now, I want to just, uh, get to the takeaways after sharing just one more thought, or maybe repeating one more thought is a better way to phrase it.

What of Abraham, Jesus, Moses, you know, King David, Muhammad, all the main players in the big three Abrahamic religions? What if none of those guys knew any more about the true nature of God than you or I? What if the entire premise for the Crusades? The entire premise of Islamic empires being attacked and for Christian states doing the attacking for the Catholic Church calling for the Crusades to happen in the first place as part of God's will what if all of that is literally built on Nothing more heavenly or celestial

Then say the device you're listing to this on What if all this went down based on nothing more divine than the crazy words of so many Wacadoodle co-leaders We have laughed at here on previous episodes again, what a wild cosmic joke that would be. To be clear, if not for religion, I do believe we would have killed each other for different reasons over the years, just like we still do today. So I'm not actually blaming religion for death and destruction, because without it, I think we would have found other reasons to fight for resources.

But if religion is truly not real, what an odd way to rationalize so much death and destruction. What a weird fucking game we've been playing. For at least a few thousand years now. And if a bunch of divine shit truly did happen in the Holy Land a few thousand years ago, if profits did truly live around Jerusalem and miracles really occurred, can we please get to witness another round of some mind blowing celestial shit. So we don't have to just take the words of people who died thousands of years ago that, you know, any of this is actually worth fighting or dying for. That'll be pretty fucking cool.

Give me a letter! Come on Nimrod. Put on a show. Time suck, tough five take away. Number one, the Holy Land, the place at the center of the Crusades is a sacred location for Christianity, Islam and Judaism. At the time of the first Crusade, the Holy Land was under the control of the Egyptian Fatimids.

During the first Crusade, the Christian army successfully captured Jerusalem. But at the cost of many innocent lives, Christians would control JTown until 1187 when Sultan Saladin captured the city. JTown will always be a place at the center of religious conflict because of its importance in the three Abrahamic religions. Number two, the Crusades, not one long, drawn out war, instead it was a series of at least eight smaller wars slash military expeditions. The main objectives were to take Jerusalem, kind, kind of get it. And other important crusader states from Muslim control and stop Muslim expansion

and increase the power of the Catholic Church. But there were also countless other minor military objectives. And actually just really quick, just to remind people, I haven't said this in a while, if you do get annoyed by the mispronunciation, the most mush mouth, I actually am literally tongue-tight. Just never got that out of fixed as a kid. So not doing it for show. My mouth, my brain knows what it wants to do. Tongue is like, nah, nah, we don't have enough movement. Number three, up to 1.7 million people died during the Crusades

besides the actual fighting, the biggest killers were starvation and disease. Number four, during the siege of Mayera, Christians resorted to eating Muslim bodies to avoid starvation. Chronicles wrote horrifying accounts, describing children being eaten, and body parts being roasted over spits.

And number five, new info, white nationalists have been known to draw on the symbols of their crusades in recent years. The image of their crusader cross, along with the Latin phrase, D douce vault, or God wills it, has been seen at modern white supremacist marches, such as the 2017 white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia. Time magazine wrote, in a harking back repeatedly to the Crusading era, the angry young men of

the white supremacist far-right mirror the language often used by Islamist extremists and ISIS fighters who glorify suicide bombings and other terror attacks on Westerners and Christians, as strikes against citizens of the Crusader coalition. According to time, the Crusades have propaganda value to those who want to suggest that the Islamic world and Western Christian countries are engaged in a modern-day war. In 2019, neo-Nazi-Erik lin was arrested by the fby for threatening communications court record state that lin sent a message to an anonymous victim that said i

think god every day that president donald uh... john trump that is actually a little uh... is president and that he will launch a racial war in crusade to keep any dangerous non-white ethnically or culturally foreign group in line they will be sent to concentration camps. 2020, Lin was sentenced to five years in prison, plus three years of supervised release for sending messages that targeted Hispanic people. Virginia Tech professor of medieval studies, Matt Gabriel explained a teen vogue why this type of language is common among these groups saying

you have scholarly works that are built from an assumption that Europe was under siege and needed to defend itself. And that blends with pop culture fantasy medieval like Game of Thrones or Kingdom of Heaven that portrays these Christian knights as hyper-maskland warriors. And this warrior fantasy is attracted to people who feel that they are under siege. But as you heard today, Europe not actually under siege, the Middle East was. Western European powers weren't defending themselves and the Crusades, they were the aggressors. Sierra Lamotto, a assistant professor at Rowan University said that white supremacists identify with Crusaders because the Crusades have come to represent a narrative of brave martyrdom in the face of dangerous enemies who threaten white, Western exceptionalism. But again, that is based on twisted and untrue history.

Many medieval historians note that these types of erroneous beliefs are the reason it is so important for scholars to now provide accurate information about the crusades and continue to try and dispel the misguided notions various hate mongers, continue to point to to justify horrible actions. So hopefully we did a decent job of sharing some real history today.

And not just what some people want to believe is real history. Time, suck, tough, five, take away. The crusades have been sucked. Just a broad strokes presentation, of course. If you want to learn more, there's so many great sources that go more in depth to aspects of it out there. The Kings and Generals YouTube channel. I've watched a bunch of those videos.

A whole bunch of videos breaking down individual crusade battles with like maps and animation. You can lose days diving into all the minutia of it. Thank you to the Bad Magic Productions team for the help of Making Time Suck. Thanks again to Queen of Bad Magic Lindsay Cummins. The best partner. Thanks to the art warlockctions team for the help of making Time Suck. Thanks again to Queen of Bad Magic Lindsay Cummins, the best partner, thanks to the Art War Lock, Logan Keith, producing and directing today, the Suck Ranger Timer C, helping with production, thanks to Bitelixir for upkeep on the app,

the Time Suck app, the Art War Lock again for creating the merch at BadMagicMarch.com, and helping run our socials along with the Suck Ranger and a team managed by a social media strategist Ryan Handelman. Thanks to producer Olivia Lee for the initial research this week. And thanks to the all-seeing eyes moderating the cold to the curious private Facebook page. The mod squad making sure discord keeps running smooth and everyone over on the time sucks

subreddit and bad magic subreddit. Next week on time suck a subject I have wanted to look into for years now. But I just kept forgetting. Okay. Forgetting to suck this dirt back. Then I touched on this guy recently in a scared of death story and after recording a immediately emailed Olivia and next week we will learn about a unique serial killer now. Johan Jack Oonterveger was an Austrian serial killer who killed victims in Austria, the Czech Republic, and lost the Angeles, California. Weird, random, wide-ranging territory, right?

He killed at least a dozen women, and sadly all those murders, other than the first, were so very avoidable. And this is what fascinates me by this guy. He had a troubled childhood. His mom described as a sex worker in some sources. The band in him is a toddler, a group of the abusive grandfather, started committing crimes in a young age, starting off with theft, then escalating to sexual assault and murder. He gets caught for this first murder, hopefully first.

In 1974, Jack raped and strangled an 18-year-old girl, convicted in 1976, sentenced to life in prison, and should have stayed in prison for life. But that didn't happen. He underwent a transformation behind bars, grew up illiterate, but then learned how to read and write in prison, became a prolific writer, a gifted writer, wonderful writer, who created poem, short stories and plays, then his 1983 autobiography became a bestseller.

Turn into a documentary, even taught in some Austrian schools. Jack's writings often expressed his dark thoughts and focused on death, but also he wrote children's stories and discussed his tragic childhood, got a lot of sympathy. His work touched the hearts of many in Austria's elite literary circles, journalists, politicians, the general public, and a bunch of people now petitioned for his early release, and they got what they wanted. And we'll feel real fucking guilty. I'm guessing a couple years later. He's released from prison in 1990 when he's just 39 years old. Now he appears on talk shows because the job and journalism becomes a fucking celebrity, a loved celebrity by an Austria. Well respected, admired, and starts killing again almost immediately after he was let out. He targets female sex workers and the Czech Republic in Austria, Moshe and Vienna. And then as a journalist, he fucking reports on his

own murders. Even interviews, Vienna's police chief about murders, he committed. Then travels to Los Angeles in June of 1991 on a journalism assignment, checks into the infamous Cecil hotel, which is how he showed up in scared of death, and kept on killing. Well, next week we'll go in depth on the life and crimes of Jack Unterveger, as well as his victims and the investigation that led to his final capture. Right now let's head on over to this week's Time Sucker updates. First up today, a very nice death update. Seriously, you'll understand here in a second a wonderful meat sack, wonderful meat sack,

whose name I didn't put in the top. That's why I'm scrolling if you watch this on video. Heather sent this in, so let's see what Heather wrote now. Sorry about that, Heather. Deer Time Suck Overlord. I'm catching up on the back catalog and since I have a hectic life, I have only made it to episode 288. I say only because I've been listening for years now. The episode I just listened to is about Dr. Kavork in aka Dr. Death.

This episode struck a nerve with me because I live in Oregon and worked in geriatric care for many years. I've seen so many people suffered needlessly and I have seen so many choose to make the most of their circumstances. The quality of one's life is theirs to determine. A patient and friend of mine decided he was done at 39. I've met many hundred plus year olds refused to slow down until the very end. The reason I felt it was important to write to you

is the experience I had at my last caregiving job before I left work at a daycare, or left to work at a daycare. A patient of mine who I referred to as V was walking back to her room after eating lunch and stopped, and I stopped to notice her legs were extremely swollen and weeping. This occurs in congestive heart failure patients when their heart is too weak to pump fluid around their body for removal. It pulls into legs because of gravity and they are placed on diuretics which eliminate water from the body

When their legs get too full of fluid it will begin to weep from their skin and sometimes pool and blisters This is assigned their condition is worsening and their meds are no longer as effective. I consult the nurse We decided this patient needed to go to the hospital That started a many month-long process of trying to treat her while V and her family refused at almost every turn She rapidly declined went from being independent independent to needing every hourly checks to ensure she hadn't fallen while trying to do something herself. This was no life for V. She could no longer do the things she enjoyed. Her life was not hers anymore and she wanted it to end.

I had never been before had a patient enact their death with dignity rights. That process took months. All the while, she was still receiving treatments to avoid infection or injury and to maintain the highest quality of life possible. V went through rigorous psych exams, spoke with different doctors, was evaluated multiple times.

During these visits, her care team, not allowed in the room nor was her family. This was to ensure there was no one coursing her into making this decision. It had to be your own. On the day of, her family came to be with her and we would check in from time to time. Her doctors brought her a solution of anti-najia medication and a high dose of morphine for her to ingest when she was ready. V was offered multiple different methods and morphine is what she chose, just like before no one was allowed to be in the room when she took the medications,

including family members. Once it was done, they were allowed back in and sat with her in her final moments. It was very peaceful and dignified. Over the years, I've had many patients who daily state their wish to die, their want for it to all be over and the immense pain they are in. Dying is not always a painless drift away.

It is often something that many people are ready for years before it comes. I have one last point to touch on before this long email comes to an end. My dad died from cancer in August of this year. He was a kind of person who never wanted to live a half a life. It was all or it was nothing. After surgery to remove the last bit of cancer from his lungs, the recovery didn't go well. He expressed to us that he had no fear of dying. And then if the opportunity came, he felt that he had to take it. I have never wanted him to feel the need to live in pain so that his family wouldn't have to miss him. He was my best friend and grieving him has been the hardest thing I've done to date. But knowing that he went out on

his terms by choosing to remove the oxygen that was helping him live and that he is no longer in pain helps me through it. I am truly sorry for this very long email, but thank you for letting me share my experience. If you read this on the show, I would love for you to give a reference to my wonderful kind for giving and always wise dad Tucker Haywood, who now resides in Nimrod's glorious ball sack and his forever in peace. Thank you and keep on sucking much love. Heather Haywood.

Heather, what a fucking beautiful message you wrote. It seemed to have really triggered my allergies when I first read it. Maybe it's the spring pollen, but of course really it was your touchy message. I can feel the love you have for your awesome father, Tucker. He is, you know, he is a Nimrods ball sack and he's having a grand old time. I went on a pretty hefty shrimp trip this past weekend. I saw him smoking a little weed, losinguzofina in a super cool lounge, listening to some jazz, drinking some gin, he's happy.

And thank you for explaining your eyewitness way. Why dying with dignity should be a choice that each of us gets to make for ourselves. And no government or a misguided moral crusader, right, should be able to get in our way. Crusader must be lodged in my subconscious now. How dare others tell us how we're allowed to die, right? I'm all forgetting help for suicidal ideation when it comes from someone who is physically healthy, get all the treatment you can to make sure your

mind does not just playing tricks on you. But when your body is done, when your life is going to be nothing but pain and or a steady decline into helplessness, the choice to self terminate is no longer irrational. It's reasonable. It's humane. Hail Nimrod, Heather. You're fucking awesome. Now a little comedic relief. How about a Cummins law update from a Satanic sucker, Samantha Silvers? This fucking demon magnet writes, how do you mother sucker? I have a Cummins law story for you. I had a need to visit a quick clinic for an ear infection and I was quickly trying to get out the door. I'm a mom to a six month old

and as you know being a parent means you often have a hard time being able to leave to get anywhere. My husband kept the baby busy at home so I could just get ready and go get things taken care of. When I got to the clinic, they told me I would have to wait an hour, I could wait in my car, no big deal. I walked to the place next door for some food,

went back to my car to stuff my face, listened to the time suck, and send a few texts to my best friend. The Bluetooth function in my car is at a reasonable volume, but I forgot the second of voice gets loud, people in the surrounding area can hear it quite well. While I'm enjoying my rare moment of solitude and stuffing fries in my face, feral mom style, because I was really freaking hungry, a bit about Whipple came on, and I felt eyes on me.

I turn a scene older woman standing by the car next to me and staring at me in horror while my mouth is filled with fries and your voice is yelling, fuck you, fuck your family, Whipple! She shakes her head and mouths, what the fuck? Then gets in her car to quickly drive away from the crazy devil lady in the car next to her. It's a little things in life to bring us joy, you know? Could you please give a shout out to my amazing best friend Angie. She surprised me. We'd take it to see your standup. We snatched our husbands, caught your show in Bloomington,

had a blast and loved every minute. PS, sorry, I hauled her to you from across the street in Bloomington. It was mine and my husband's first adult night out since our kiddo made his appearance into the world and I got a little too excited. Thanks for all you do Samantha. Well Samantha, don't be sorry. Bloomington was so fun. That is such a cool Indiana town.

I love the energy there so much. Sorry, but I cannot give a shout out to Angie. I'm sure you didn't know this, but I fucking hate that bitch. One of my least favorite people. It was hard at that show when I saw her in the crowd, not to walk off the stage, literally pick her up and fucking throw her out the nearest window.

Okay, and of course, hi Angie. Thanks for being awesome, bringing some friends out, Samantha, find that old lady again. This time, grab her by the shoulders. Scream some whiplish shit right into her face, toss out a hellsadden, and then just leave her with that moment. Why? I don't know. I just like imagining weird shit like that probably because I'm mentally ill.

Now just one more. My final update from a cool ass sack with the cool ass name sharing some cool ass shit. Bill writes, hi Dan, been listening to Scared of Death and Time Suck for a while now and loved them both. Went through Scared of Death chronologically, but I just picked up Time Suck on the weekly updates and went back to listen to topics that interested me as a way to work through the catalog. I kind of danced around it for a while, but I finally listened to your transgender episode.

Transgender topic, episode about transgender. Anyways, media about trans people by people who aren't trans or queer feels like it tends to lean towards anti-trans sentiment, even if it's not intentional. With all the transphobic and sexist laws being passed around the country, I figured it was a good time as any to finally listen. Just want to let you know that I appreciate how you approach such a complex and polarizing topic with an open mind and respect It reminded me that most people don't view trans people as evil groomers who are trying to rape women and indoctrinate kids

But as people deserve enough happiness and acceptance like anyone else. I'm scared of how much some people empower hate people like me So much so that they're willing to take the rights of women in minorities in order to punish quote unquote trans people I know you generally approach topics from both sides in order to help, quote unquote, trans people. I know you generally approach topics from both sides in order to help people see things outside their echo chambers, but I appreciate that you didn't include transphobic hate and or denying that trans people exist. If this happens to get read on the show, this is for anyone who needs to hear it. My existence isn't inherently political, and it's not a belief system. Like any other community, there are some loud assholes

that are easy to hate. But most trans and queer people are just trying to live their lives and safety and happiness. Thanks so much if you take the time to read this. I love all the good, the bad magic brings to the world. I love learning about these weird ass topics that I never would have known about otherwise. That I can then info dump to all my friends throughout the week until the next episode. Love you guys. Thanks for all you do. Keep on sucking. Best bell. Bell, you're the fucking best. Some A plus quotes are in there in that email. My existence isn't inherently political.

Exactly. Way too many loud motherfuckers out there today, just trying to read politics into everything because that's how they see the world. Not how many of the people they're fucking yelling at do. And I want to scream at them, right? Just because you're a simple binary lazy ass thinker that doesn't mean fucking I am,

stop projecting your worldview onto me. Yeah, your life bell is not a political statement. An endorsement of some liberal agenda, whatever. It's just your life. Being transgender doesn't mean you give a fuck about politics. Any more than having blue eyes or brown hair means that you care one way or the other about anything political. You, just like me, just trying to find happiness, right?

Perhaps a purpose as to why you're here. Maybe trying to find where the best burger in town is. Something to watch on streaming services. Watch yellow jackets, if you haven't seen it. We're Ted Lasso, if you want something touching or light. And also, I love to like any community, there are some loud assholes that are easy to hate. Yeah, exactly.

If you have limited exposure to transgender people, and the few you have met or seen online are obnoxious and fucking annoying, that doesn't mean the majority are at all. That's just your brain trying to trick you, trying to rapidly oversimplify and categorize shit in ways that used to help us when we were cave people and needed to determine safety threats quickly for our survival, but that doesn't help us now. When your brain does that, quickly remind yourself of people who look like you, people of your

sexual persuasion, or race, gender, whatever, who are also fucking annoying. I'm sure you can come up with plenty of examples. Assholes do not have a consistent gender, skin color, creed, sexual preference, et cetera. I love you, Bell. And so does Lucifina and Nimrod and Triple M wants to share some demos with you while you pet Bojangles. I hope you keep enjoying this insanity.

Hope the political tide shift away soon from the fear-based paranoid illogical concerns backed by a fuck and nothing but misguided notions. And we can focus on actual importance shit like fixing the economy or healthcare, education systems, and we can stop worrying about dumb shit like what sexual preferences kids are allowed to be fucking talked about at school.

Fuck the dumb shit and hail Nimrod. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. Thanks for listening to another. I need a net. We all did. Thanks for listening to another Bad Magic Productions podcast. Scared to death and time suck each week. Secret suck. Each week for space lizards. Please do not declare a holy war this week. You're not got chosen warrior. You probably just bored. And maybe hungry. Eat a sandwich. Get a job or another job, and you know find a good show to get lost in. Like I just talked about Ted Lasso. It was great and it wrapped up nicely if you haven't seen it.

Way easier to lay on the couch and watch some good stuff that it is to kill a bunch of infidels. You could also just keep on sucking. I felt a little weird doing this earlier because you know, he's joking around about it, but I want to read a letter right now that they got, they got, they got, gave me. Dear Dan, this is God. I need you to find a donkey and sort another crusade. Get everyone you can gather together and this time I need you to march on Canada. You know they're evil. You really think they won't let you in because of one DUI from like 13 years ago? No, they won't let you in because they're infidels and you're my chosen warrior. And when you get up there, I want you to live mostly on warm salty poutine and cold refreshing beer.

Oh, and I want you to cut a bunch of people's fucking heads off and burn a bunch of other people, right? A bunch of frickin' hosers, hey? I'll get moving. It's gonna take you while to a mass and army, but not that long, you know, because you don't need a really big one because, you know, it's Canada.

Thanks, God. And PS, ease up on the Jesus jokes. Come on bro. That's my boy. Don't make me smite you.