Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 391 - Skinny Folks Go To Heaven: The Remnant Fellowship Cult

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

Did you ever think that overeating, specifically, could send your soul to Hell? Or that not losing enough weight, fast enough, could jeopardize your salvation? These are just some of the many terrible (and bizarre) messages that very skinny self-proclaimed "prophetess" Gwen Shamblin Lara preached before she died in a plane crash in 2021.   Sadly, the cultish church she built, lives on. And this week, we explore (and mock) its weirdly weight-centric teachings.Watch the Suck on YouTube: https://youtu.be/-3dKEiruxB4Merch and more: www.badmagicproductions.com Timesuck Discord! https://discord.gg/tqzH89vWant to join the Cult of the Curious Private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" to locate whatever happens to be our most current page :)For all merch-related questions/problems: [e-mail] (copy and paste)Please rate and subscribe on Apple Podcasts and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcastWanna become a Space Lizard? Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast.Sign up through Patreon, and for $5 a month, you get access to the entire Secret Suck catalog (295 episodes) PLUS the entire catalog of Timesuck, AD FREE. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. And you get the download link for my secret standup album, Feel the Heat.

Did you know that God hates fat people? Well, maybe hate isn't the right word. God is disappointed with fat people, disgusted, and much more likely to send them to hell to burn forever and ever, amen. Blessed are the righteous, the kind, the faithful, and the skinny. God loves a hot little beach bot. And don't get mad at me for any of this. Not my beliefs.

Just the messenger here. These were the beliefs of now deceased diet guru turned preacher slash cult leader Gwen Shamblin-Lawra. And they remain the beliefs, as far as I know, of the followers of her still very active Tennessee based church. Gwen first appeared in the spotlight in 1984 as the founder of the Way Down Workshop, a W-E-I-G-H, a Christian diet program that taught students that it's not your relationship with food that is bad, not exactly, it's your relationship

with God that probably needs fixing. In the program, students were taught that overindulgence is a sin. Hello, gluttony! And by eating when you're not hungry, you are directly offending God. You're not overweight because of what you eat or how much you eat. You're overweight because you love food more than you love the Lord. Food is your false idol. Start putting God first in your life. Start putting Oreo McFlurry second. Biscuits and gravy third, okay? Or maybe put God first, put a light salad with a few chunks of chicken breast second. Put biscuits and gravy third and the Oreo McFlurry should be fourth.

Or actually, sorry, I want to get this right. Put God first, the salad. Second, a low calorie vitamin packed protein smoothie. Third, and the Oreo McFlurry and the biscuits and gravy. Those probably shouldn't even crack the top 50 really, which is a bummer and maybe a bit ironic since they are heavenly to wolf down. According to Gwen's divine teachings, by only eating when you feel hunger pain, not

only will you lose weight, but much more importantly, you'll please the Lord. By no longer bowing down to the refrigerator, and you'll be bowing down now to him instead. God hates it when you worship false prophets like Murray Callender or Jimmy Dean or when you bow down to the gods of a mall food court more than to him. Damn you hot dog god on a stick! Damn you to hell false prophet! The way down workshop was massively successful and thousands of churches all across the country began offering it to their congregations. But as with all cult leaders before too long when realized she needed to expand her empire further. She needed more money,

more prestige, more power, and probably most importantly more control over her fans who should be her followers. So in 1999 Gwen founded the Remnant Fellowship Church in Nashville, Tennessee. For the next two decades plus Remnant would enforce a militant-like control over its members, especially controlling their weight. Eat too much, and you're out of the cult! Hotty Beach Bods only! So sayeth the Lord. In addition to its insane teachings about weight loss, since its inception, the Remnant Fellowship has also been controversial for its beliefs regarding child discipline. To this day, Remnant Fellowship points to its astoundingly obedient children as proof

that they are the one true church and the most beloved by God. However, the tactics they are taught to use in order to raise such compliant and dutiful children such as hitting them on their inner thighs and elsewhere with shit like belts, wooden spoons, and glue sticks, of all things, are frowned upon by many, including child protective services social workers. In 2004, this aspect of Remnant's teachings came under intense scrutiny when two members of the church beat their eight-year-old son to death, using methods that Gwen Shamblin had taught them. And then Gwen spent organizational money on defending this couple in court.

The history of Remnant is one riddled with allegations of abuse and coercion for years and years, yet it continued growing strong and garnering thousands and thousands of new members from all around the world. It seemed Gwen Shamblin's weight loss empire slash cult would never fall, but in the spring of 2021. She, her new husband, five other church leaders were killed in a plane crash, a plane that her husband, actor and musician Joe Lara, was flying. After that, her congregation was forced to face a terrifying question. If the righteous are rewarded, how is it possible that the seven people the Church most revered could die in such a horrible, grim way? Today, we'll follow Gwen's meteoric rise from the little girl who was not allowed to

speak in church to becoming the preacher at her very own house of God will attempt to disentangle the Apollon belief system she created, figure out how she trapped members inside of it, review some former members' testimonies, and ultimately figure out how Gwen was able to merge two things people don't normally associate with one another, wayloss and religion. Deforma cult so… weird. And also successful that it is still operating at full speed and making millions and millions in the wake of her death. All this and more in another God fear and weight losing! Cult! Cult! Cult! If you can't fit into a medium sized cult rope, get the fuck outta here!

Addition of Time Suck. This is Michael McDonald and you're listening to Time Suck. Happy Monday and welcome to the cult of the curious. I'm Dan Kelman, some master sucker count, Von Count and personator. Action hero people set marketing consultant. Sunny Hollister, store detective intern and you are listening to Time Suck. Hail Nimrod, hail Lucifina. Praise be to good boy Bojangles and glory be to Triple M. I'm going to get right into it after two quick things. First quick reminder, tickets for the wet hot Bad Magic Summer Camp 2025. The summer of love will be on sale Saturday, March 23rd at 10 a.m. Pacific Time.

First come, first serve. Get them all you can at badmagicproductions.com. Click on the summer camp banner for all the info and a link to tickets. Limited number of private accommodations will be available. And also thanks to the lovely people who have showed me a lot of love lately over on the Scare to Death feed regarding the new Nightmare Fuel fictional series, especially the Beast of Boudie. It seemed to be a fan favorite, so very inspiring to create more. And I have a lot more story ideas cooked up. And last thing for whatever reason, I've been getting a lot of emails lately from folks

who took a break from Time Suck the past year or two, now have come back into the fold and are having a blast. That is awesome to be here. Thank you for returning. And now let's get lost in this week's weird ass story. Today we are going to meet one of God's most abhorrent creatures. Pat Stajak. Come on.

Never gets old for me. Uh, no, we're going to meet, uh, Mrs. Gwen Shamblin-Laurah. Not a whole lot of setup required today. I'll mostly share the story of this cult leader's life through the timeline. Her timeline will start with her birth in 1955, followed all the way until she died at 66 years old. But don't be sad about her death. She died a fit, thin, hot little tight ass 66. So God was happy in that plane crash in 2021. Along the way, we'll meet a flurry of colorful characters, most notably her second husband, actor and model Joe Lara, Tarzan himself, the guy who played Tarzan fairly poorly in the one and done 90s adventure drama

TV series, Tarzan, the Epic Adventures, who clearly saw Gwen as his meal ticket and a way to achieve some level of fame and fortune again. Their marriage was short-lived. Joe was badly piloting the plane that was meant to take Gwen and five other church leaders from Tennessee to Florida for a MAGA rally when he became disoriented and brought the aircraft down into a full-nosedive right into Percy Lake. So sad he was never able to help make America great again, but he did for a moment help make America gaunt again. He helped Gwen make America less gluttonous again. He should have had massive hats made.

Make America skinny again, or maybe maca hats. Make America hungry again. A lot of missed hat opportunities. About to jump into the timeline now real quick before we do. As we lean into this calorie restricted subject, I just want to take a moment to talk about Roscoe's Chicken Waffles. I just introduced my daughter-in-law to this place. When we took a father-daughter trip to Los Angeles to watch a Lakers game,

it was so much fun. They lost. What we got to see LeBron crossed the 40,000 career point threshold. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck Roscoe mixes into their breading for their chicken tenders But they are fried fabulousness add some Roscoe's Louisiana style hot sauce mix it with their waffle house style waffles and some syrup You kidding me sweet savory and spicy If God doesn't want me to eat that then I guess I don't like God very much He's controlling joy hating asshole who needs to let the fuck up and let me enjoy my chicken waffles

That actually wasn't what I wanted to talk about for a moment. I had a fast of it for some doctor's appointments When adding some notes and reviewing research on this subject. I am fine By the way, and I was hungry. This is a really weird subject to work on while you're hungry Anyway before we dive into the timeline I want to quickly set the scene for the special breed of cult we're dealing with by sharing an excerpt from a former member's testimony posted on the SpiritWatch Ministries website. SpiritWatch Ministries is an organization dedicated to exposing cults to claim to be Christian and providing free education, intervention, and support for both current and former members

of cults and their families. We'll share their thoughts on this episode several times today. Part of their mission statement reads, We have been, since 1933, countering the influence and spread of spiritually deceptive and religiously abusive groups that exist in the Tennessee Valley. Reverend Rafael Martinez, one of the leaders of this organization, actually served as one of the primary advisors during the making of the five-part HBO docu-series The Way Down, W-A-Y. God greed in the cult of Gwen Shamblin, as they've been following and reporting on

remnant fellowship since its inception in 1999. We did rely on that docu-series as one of our main sources this week. In one essay from 2002, written by former members Adam and Maria Brooks, talks about the abuse they endured at the hands of Gwen Shamblin and helps answer the question they were asked by Spiritwatch. Is Remnant a Cult? In our opinion, yes. Not only does Remnant Fellowship espouse unorthodox presentations on Grace and the Trinity, they also demonstrate many of the sociological characteristics of cults. They emphasize conformity, denigrate and shame

independent thinking, have rigid authority in hierarchy structures, move people by group thinking, use fear as a motivator and quickly and permanently expel anyone who persistently questions. Followers are typically encouraged to avoid reading articles critical of the group and are warned against speaking to former members. Remnant Fellowship exhibits cult tendencies in their recruitment tactics, short-circuiting independent thinking and critical analysis of recruits by telling them they shouldn't trust their pastors and spiritual leaders, something they call love-bombing. In their isolationism, members are encouraged to distance themselves from non-reminent fellowship

family, sometimes even cutting off their relationships. In their thought-controlled tactics, members are encouraged to avoid input about the group from critical sources. And in their authoritarian structure, members are to be completely obedient to local leadership and remnant fellowship Nashville leadership. Authority seems to rest most firmly in the hands of Gwen Shamblin, who is also known as the prophetess. Ooh, that's nice, the prophetess rolls off the tongue.

We've examined quite a few false prophets, but not too many prophetess-esses. Prophetess, prophetesses. Yeah, I think that's right. All right, now let me know a little bit about what we're getting into. Let's explore the twisted and very, very skinny life of the former big-haired, bobble-headed profitus,

Gwen Shamblin, in today's timeline. Shrap on those boots, soldier! We're marching down a time-sucked timeline! Time suck timeline. On February 18th, 1955, Gwen Shamblin is born in Memphis, Tennessee. She's a big baby. One might say fat fuck of a newborn. 13 pounds, 6 ounces. She gorged herself in the womb. Non-stop stuffing her fat little baby belly with mama's umbilical cord calories shameful really sinful just gross I

Have no idea how much you ate a birth Gwen was raised in a household to prioritize two things two things She would later fuse together to create one depraved goddess whore health and religion Gwen's father Walter Henley worked as a general surgeon and he instilled in his daughter a sense of curiosity and reverence for health care and medicine. From a young age Gwen was concerned with the state of her health. Was she fit enough? Was she fit enough? She was also unsurprisingly very concerned with the state of her soul. The cult leader of the making was raised in an ultra-conservative subset of Christianity called the Church of Christ. And the Church of Christ.

And the Church of Christ, often referred to as the Churches of Christ, as you'll see here in a second, pretty fucking weird, at least in their structure, where most churches have some sort of administrative body that they adhere to or are a part of a larger territory of churches. Each church of Christ Church is its own individual entity, presided over exclusively by its own autonomous government. So, non-denominational, but also a bunch of these churches share the same name, which sounds honestly very confusing. I mean, imagine a bunch of Starbucks or Kentucky Fried Chicken, you know, Subway, whatever global food franchise, where from the outside they all look the same. But each location gets to decide what his menu is and like complete autonomy over

what their menu is and the menus differ wildly. It doesn't vary little consistency. Kind of just defeat the purpose of having the same brand name. Uh, sorry. I can't, I can't seem to find a, uh, the bucket of original recipe chicken on the menu here. Uh, I must keep glancing over it. No, no, you're not. No, it's not on the menu, sir.

We don't serve original recipe chicken or any other kind of chicken at this Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just ground beef and cheddar cheese, taco, screen goes, tater tots, fresh squeezed oranges, mini hot dogs, individual cheese or pepperoni pizzas, carrot juice, caramel corn, black or licorice jelly beans, falafels, strawberry smoothies, beef jerky, and cotton candy and caramel. Oh, did I already see caramel popcorn? We also have regular popcorn. Why even call yourself a KFC then? We just like the name KFC. We like the colors.

I like the little bucket as far as on the sign. You know, logo, whatnot. That ridiculous analogy, actually pretty accurate from what I can tell. There is an international churches of Christ website, but it is the worst website for a large international organization I have ever seen by quite a ways. It looks like a high school kid built it in 2005 for a school project that he didn't get a good grade on.

Like he passed a class, but barely. You can click on a button that says how many churches of Christ are there and they don't fucking know It says the most recent dependable estimate lists more than 15,000 individual churches of Christ Imagine seeing that on like targets website like you go to the store locator section And you just get a reply of other seems to be about four targets in your area. We're not sure exactly where they are. Could be more. There's another menu button that says, how are the churches organizational, organizationally connected? You click on that and the first sentence is following the plan of organization found in the New Testament. Churches of Christ are autonomous. So basically, how are all your locations connected? They're not. Cool.

More looked around this website run by someone who just took it upon themselves to provide some answers, I guess, the more confused I became. Currently, doing some digging outside the website, there are about 12,000 individual churches of Christ in the US with over a million members, almost 1.1 million members, mostly located in the Midwestern and Southern United States. Although it was born in America, the restoration movement of the early 19th century is when it was born. There are now more churches outside of America than inside. There's approximately 40,000 churches of Christ globally. So that website's way off. That makes a total worldwide membership around 2 million. At the top of each individual church's government is a group of

elders and pastors that have been chosen by the congregation to lead. To be an elder, you have to meet a certain set of requirements that have been outlined in the Bible. Church of Christers refer to Timothy 3, verse 1-8, which discusses what qualifies someone to be a deacon or an overseer in the church. In the King James Version of the Bible this passage reads, If a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireeth a good work. A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober of good behavior, given to hospitality, apt to teach. Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy, of filthy lucre, but patient, not a brawler, not covetous, one that ruleeth well his own house, having his children in sub-subjection with all gravity, for of a man know not how

to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God? So you know, pretty cool, no strikers or brawlers, no strikers or brawlers. Glad that's made clear. And uh, and you have to follow the laws of gravity, I think, which is important. You don't want some fucking anti-gravity brawler floating around throwing down punches from above. And you gotta be sober. And also, in addition to being sober, you have to not drink wine, either. And be blameless.

So no one can ever blame you for anything. I have no idea what a lot of this stuff means. I definitely don't think I've interpreted much of it correctly. The Lord continues with, Likewise, must the deacons be grave, not double-tongued, not given to much wine, not greedy or filthy lucre, holding the mystery of the faith in a pure conscience? Even so, must their wives be graved, not slanderer, sober, faithful in all things? Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own house as well. I

think I've got it now. Bishops, they can't have anyone. And neither can women. Deacons, they can get buzzed, but not drunk. Everyone has to be grave, you know, and not be sarcastic and silly like the dipshit speaking right now. I definitely can't ever be a bishop. I'm not even deacon material. I love filthy looker. More looker, please. I'll take all the filthy leoker. I can get my grubby little paws on Although it's not explicitly listed pretty clear. There's also one really important qualification You must have in order to hold a high position in the Church of Christ. You got to be a man Which is one of the many reasons why as we'll get into a little later when Shamblin was such a unique

Profitus, I mean co-leader. I mean preacher Instead of being part of one denomination, churches of Christ see themselves as a part of a wider fellowship of congregation to share one goal, creating God's perfect church on earth. Okay. I mean, clearly stated, but also seems a little vague. This clearly planted some seeds in Gwen's head that will bear fruit later when she creates her so-called perfect one true church.

Churches of Christ believe that the Bible is absolutely factual, historically accurate, and in no way metaphorical. According to one Church of Christ website, we can rely on the Bible as a source of guidance, a tool for study, a method of correction, and a source of comfort and encouragement. It is God-breathed and without error, and can thereby be relied upon explicitly." Well, that's fucking terrifying. And I call bullshit on that church. The whole book without error, like zero errors, in a literal sense, and you're relying on it explicitly. No. sounds like they're saying that they follow the words of the Bible to the letter literally and no one on earth is doing that.

Not a single person, not in the past several centuries, at least if ever. No way. Any church of Christ congregations following all the teachings explicitly to the letter. Here's an example of why I know this is true. Here's a new international version translation of Deuteronomy, chapter 25 verses 5-10. I would read the King James version, but it's far too confusing. It sounds like gibberish.

Translated to the current age, it's still an interesting passage. Has anyone even tried to follow these verses in the past several centuries? Anyone outside of Backwood's insane cult members? If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband's brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of her brother-in-law to her. The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel. However, if a man does not want to marry his brother's wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, My husband's brother refuses to carry on his brother's name in Israel.

He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me. Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, I do not want to marry her, his brother's widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face, and say, quote, This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother's family line. That man's line shall be known in Israel as the family of the unsandled. No way that's ever happened within the Church of Christ.

No Church of Christ congregate has ever been referred to as the patriarch of the family of the unsandled for refusing to marry their dead brother's wife. Not even in Israel, where there are several Church of Christ locations. Still, they claim to follow the teachings of the Bible like this teaching, as written, no wiggle room for interpretation. That was true, I would like to see the video of some dude getting his fucking sandal taken off, and then spit on by an unattractive sister-in-law. Following God's laws, exactly, obviously also applies to salvation. Your churches of Christ believe that the Bible gives an exact play-by-play on how to save your soul. Most churches of Christ believe that there are six steps to salvation.

Again, they don't all agree, and that any departure from these six steps will result in damnation. And these six steps are hearing in damnation, and these six steps are hearing the gospel, believing the gospel, repenting past sins, confessing faith in Jesus Christ, getting baptized, and being faithful until death. Although those steps are definitive, multiple sources reiterate how each individual Church of Christ can decide for themselves if they would like to omit something from that process. Rather than follow all six for fuck's sake! That's his idiocy!

You can't follow the Bible explicitly. No room for interpretation at all. But also, oh yeah, you bet. No, you can skip a couple. You can take some personal liberties. When it comes to which of God's laws you choose to follow, yeah, no problem. That's the opposite of following everything literally. That kind of shit irritates me to no end.

It makes me think of a big family, eight to 10 kids. Everyone's got in the living room. Dad brings in a new dog, tells the family, this is our new dog. His name is Charlie. He is a he. He is a dog. No room for interpretation. We all need to believe that Charlie is a boy and a dog.

His daughter, Susie, like, I want to call him Tommy. He's cat to me And the dad's like, okay. Yeah, sure Susie. That's fine. Charlie dog is Tommy the cat to you Then his son Matt's like I think Charlie's a snake a girl snake. Okay, Matt. That's fine Charlie's female snake to you and a cat named Tommy to Susie But he is also a dog male dog named Charlie to everyone No room for disagreement. That's fucking gibberish. Makes zero sense.

But it's exactly how the churches of Christ, to me, seem to operate. Right? We all agree on literal explicit interpretation. We all agree there are six steps to salvation, but we can all also not interpret the Bible explicitly and you can skip some steps. This hurts my brain. I guess I'm just a dumb church of Christ heathen, right? He doesn't understand how wise and you can skip some steps. This hurts my brain. I guess I'm just a dumb Church of Christ heathen, right? Who doesn't understand how wise and reasonable all of this is.

So in addition to adhering strictly to the Bible, kind of in some cases, but sometimes not, the Church of Christ also plays significant emphasis on lay leadership, probably. I'm sure there are some congregations that don't, but in general, what that means is that any member of church can participate in almost any aspect of the ministry, such as conducting sacrament, even if they're not a member of the clergy. There are two saints related to this that come up repeatedly in Churches of Christ literature on a lot of their individual congregation websites, every member of minister, and priesthood of all believers. However, of course there is a however here, despite the Church of Christ allowing laypersons to take on responsibility as other

churches reserved solely for clergymen, that does not mean that all laypersons in the Church are seen as equal. It should be the Church of Contradictions. One Church of Christ in Epin, Australia, wrote in their website, At Epin, women and men are seen as equal in functionality, with giftedness, character, and calling being the determining factor, not gender. Women are welcome to serve as pastors, elders, and deacons. But other congregations see distinct roles for men and women.

This again reflects the right of each congregation to be self-determining according to how they read, understand, and apply scripture in their context. I feel like eping Church of Christ just threw some shade at other congregations. We hear it eping, see men and women as equals. Other congregations we realize do not, and this reflects each congregation's ability, I would say, to understand correctly scripture and how to apply it. God's love extends to all of us sinners, even the even the dumb ones. Unable, literally unable, because they're so stupid, to properly understand what they're reading.

We see men and women as equals because we get it. We understand God and are not sexist pricks. The Church of Christ that Gwen attended as a child, not as open-minded as the Epping Church. They felt that God did not want women to speak in church. So quite the disparity, some congregations have women leadership. Others don't allow women to even be talkers. Just keep your bicycle quiet and ready to ride, ladies!

Be seen and not heard and whatnot, so say as someone. Not much else is known about Gwen's childhood, except that she grew up as the youngest of three or four kids. Just like we will later see her do with her first husband David, she mostly acted like they do not exist. And probably because they're overweight, right? So not good to be seen in public with, you know, for Gwen to be seen in public with the shameful embarrassing overindulgers. And I'm, I'm not even kidding. Before we move on to her college years, it is important to note that although the Church of Christ is unique in a lot of ways, and honestly, doesn't make any sense at

all to me in many ways, the general idea is it promotes and thus the ideology that Gwen grew up with is not. Like Gwen Stewart Watson, three time Peabody Award winner, investigative journalists who grew up in the South. In the HBO docu series, he comments on this type of thinking, saying that Southerners understand the Bible in a very particular way, unique to their region. He says they believe that there is nobody else but Jesus, nobody even close, and that the Bible is literally true, and that it is your job above anything else to recruit people to that view.

If only there were more agreement on what the view means from person to person, congregation to congregation. Being raised in a church that believes it is God's one true church and raised in an environment where preachers preach having the ultimate authority on what God's will is, but also seeing that sister churches think they have the authority on what God's will is, but preach a different message, I think that gave Gwen the motivation for the development of her later church. She will preach that she has the one true church, and she will preach a slightly different message in some

way, substantially different in others, that the churches her congruence had previously been members of, preached. October 2, 1962, now. Switching gears, Gwen's future husband, William Joseph Lara. Born in San Diego, California, little is known about his childhood as well, except for the fact that he did grow up with a lot of money. Money seemed to have instilled in him a taste for luxury, a taste he didn't want to work to get for for himself, or to get it for himself. His stepfather was the CEO of Wells Fargo, so big money.

And during his adolescence in Newport Beach, California, very expensive place to live, very affluent, Joe was exposed to the world of private planes, expensive cars and lots of travel. According to his later website, as a teenager, Joe surfed, played volleyball, soccer, and quote, later was voted as the most valuable player in high school as a wide receiver in football. Kind of weird to have that on your website when you're in your late 50s. Isn't it? He's 58, 58 years old when he died. And his website from that time, uh, still online. I mean, I would feel a little weird sharing high school accomplishments now or earlier.

Uh, tell you a little bit about myself. Again, no problem. Uh, I was a starting point guard, um, my junior high basketball team in seven and eighth grade definitely got the game high score several occasions and I was student by president my senior high school tough contested three-way race but I did win it I'm a leader of men boys boys and girls I guess since it was a public code high school I am and have long been a leader of boys and girls at 19 years, after Joe was approached by a modeling agency,

he allegedly, according to Joe, decided to turn down the many college scouts from, quote, various California universities in order to pursue work as a professional print and runway model in Paris, Geneva, and Milan. Everyone wanted him. Everyone. Please, Joe, please. Come be a star wide receiver at USC in four years you'll be in the NFL. Not camp. Not camp. Everyone. Please, Joe, please come be a star wide receiver at USC and four years will be in the NFL. Not camp. Not camp. Sorry.

I just rather make money in Perry for being beautiful or maybe Milan. Sorry. I know I'm very strong and fast, but I'm also just too beautiful for football. You know what Joe did not write about himself in his bio, uh, being humble. Again, that's just my opinion, but I highly doubt any division one schools were flocking to young Joe Laura trying to get him on their collegiate soccer football teams. I doubt any school from any division did. What will come to learn about Gwen's future second husband is that he was a

self-centered egotistical delusional creep who would probably sell his own mother's skin if you thought it was going to make him look better. Okay. Back to Gwen right after today's first of two mid-show sponsor breaks. Thanks for sticking around. If you don't want to hear ads, get the entire catalog ad free and more by signing up to be a Spacers on Patreon for $5 a month. And now back to the early 70s to see what Gwen Shamblin is getting into. Sometime between 1972 and 1974, Gwen Shamblin begins her undergraduate education at the

University of Tennessee in Knoxville. She was thankfully allowed to speak at college. Should she have even gone though? I mean, if God didn't even think her tiny woman brain could handle speaking with the menfolk at a church, how could God think that she could handle higher education? Co-ed curriculum? It seems cruel. A recipe for disaster and embarrassment.

It's like asking a dog to write a research paper. Following in her father's footsteps, Gwen entered the healthcare industry and got her bachelor's in di- uh, dietetics and her master's in nutrition with an emphasis in biochemistry. As an undergrad, Gwen's interest in health quickly manifested as an obsession with her weight. After gaining 20 pounds her freshman year, according to the biography on her memorial website, when she was in college, Gwen's love for God, her sudden 20-pound weight gain, and her academic knowledge collided by studying God's perfect design and naturally thin eaters,

Gwen was permanently set free from overweight and diets. Soon people turned to her for help to lose weight. Okay. I bet Gwen looked a lot healthier, happier and prettier, uh, when she had that extra 20 pounds sad that she me, uh, said to me anyway, that she spent most of her life working real hard to look like a, a brat stall. Such a strange mashup of religion and fitness here. As Gwen's knowledge about nutrition increased, having received the upbringing that she did,

she could not separate what she learned as a student from what she was taught as a Christian. This was the beginning of Gwen's unhealthy merger between God and deity. On Remnant's News website, which you can probably guess is the website for Remnant Fellowship Church's newspaper, one article titled, Did You Know? Learning Historical Fun Facts About This Church and Ministry reads, how does Gwen know so much about the human body and how it processes food? She studied foods and nutrition, has a master's degree,

and is a registered dietitian. You probably knew this one, but Gwen saw that God was left out of the textbooks and classrooms. And as she was called by God to teach and write, she was determined to put him back in his rightful place as the God of all foods, all science, and the whole, a lot of all caps words here, human body. This guy didn't really need to be in all of our textbooks. Like even if the Christian God is real, should he be in all the textbooks?

I'm picturing a medical school textbook recommending thoughts and prayers as the primary course of treatment when it comes to cancer. Radiation, chemotherapy, surgery, bone marrow transplant. No! Ah, that's too much science, not on the floor. Just don't be fat, pray a lot, and it'll work out like it should. From approximately 1975 through 1980, as a registered dietitian, Gwen works as an instructor

of foods and nutrition at the University of Memphis. After that, Gwen worked for another five years with the Tennessee Department of Health, specializing in issues of obesity and children's health. Backing up a bit, after almost certainly tossing around that skinny little puss of hers for free for half a decade, Gwen marries her first husband, David Shamblin, giving him patriarchal authority to use her war-torn bicycle seat as he pleases in a private and largely secret ceremony in 1978. Dave was born and raised in nearby Chattanooga, Tennessee, and both husband and wife were

23 years old when they got hitched. We couldn't find out exactly when because to this day, much of the details of Gwen's life have been concealed by the Remnant fellowship church. Classic, cult leader move. Hide your history. Mystery is much better than boring, average, mundane, biographical details when you're establishing yourself as a prophet or a prophetess. Also the more you hide, the more you can change when you inevitably start to build a backstory, elevating your status.

Within the first couple years of their marriage, we do know that David and Gwen had two children. Michelle Elizabeth, who later changed her name to go only by Elizabeth, and Michael Shamblin. Poor Michael. Poor chubby Michael. Such a disappointment to Mama. Not even kidding. Being in their marriage,

David was an enthusiastic and visible champion of Gwen's teachings and career. However, as time went on, he slowly faded into the background of his wife's massive empire, until eventually he was booted out completely for not being skinny enough. Seriously, Gwen was a fucking terrible person. Not a good meat sack, not a good mom, not a good wife. In 1980, Gwen starts working as a weight loss consultant. The angle she took when

counseling was that science couldn't explain why some people were overweight and others were not The only thing that could explain that was God and people's relationship to him and That's not true. Science can explain why some people are overweight and others are not Many years ago researchers found a certain genetic mutation that tells our body to store much more fat than necessary and millions of Americans have it Certain metabolic disorders are the result of hereditary or genetic factors rather than lifestyle choices. Some of us have obesity-related genes thanks to parental obesity or we suffer from unhelpful genetic variations in certain genes, such as the gene that regulates satiety, the gene that controls the production of body

fat, diabetes genes, etc. Additionally, not every human body has the same level of metabolism. And this means that genetics may affect the amount of fat stored in a person's body very differently than in someone else's. There are also genetic diseases such as Prater-Willi syndrome, which presents symptoms of constant hunger, over-eating and delayed development. Underline medical conditions, medications, hormonal imbalances can make it much harder for some people to lose weight than for others. Certain physical disorders, illnesses, diseases can affect weight and obesity such as hypothyroidism or underactive thyroid, which causes the metabolism to slow down or diseases like Cushing's syndrome, in which the body produces higher than normal levels of cortisol.

Birth control pills can also cause the body to store more fat than normal, as can some antidepressants and steroid medications. And more hormonal imbalances impose part of mothers. And menopause women also contribute to unsuccessful weight loss. And on and on and on. This commonly held mentality that weight loss is just about willpower. And that if you just eat less and work out more, the pounds will slough off for everybody. No problem is bullshit. What works for you might not in fact work for your neighbor. I used to think it was real simple.

Back when I was in my teens, early 20s, had a super high metabolism. I could drop weight real easy when I cut calories and kicked up cardio. And I can still lose weight, but it is much harder. I have to work out a lot more than I used to be far more strategic about my caloric intake than I used to be. When I think of how calories affect different people so differently, uh,

I think of my great grandparents on my maternal grandma side, grandpa, John, and grandma still, grandma, Betty's parents, grandpa, John, very active dude. Cut firewood. He worked in a sawmill for years and years and also construction before that, worked in his yard, did a lot of manual labor well into his 70s. Grandma Stella, not a very active person. Did a little bit of housework, not a lot actually,

kind of chilled out most of the time, at least in later years. Didn't exercise at all, literally ever in her entire life. Never had a job outside the house that I'm aware of. Also seemed to hate vegetables, loved fried food, did not eat healthy. And based on what I remember as a kid, her meal portions roughly the same as grandpa John's,

even though he was taller and broader. Neither were snackers, neither had big sweet tooth, I don't remember them ever eating much dessert, but he probably held an extra 30 to 40 pounds on him, then you know, his ideal weight, mainly around his midsection when he was in his 70s. Based on photos of my grandma's cell when she was young and memories of her, she was a fucking beanpole. I am talking olive oil from the Popeye cartoons physique her entire life. I mean, skinny.

Dynetics played a massive factor, right? And how much that she was able to eat and not, you know, add weight. And they do that with all of us. It's different for everybody. And Gwen knew that. She knew that from her studies, but ignored it and punished people. Punished people she supposedly loved anyways, because she was a piece of shit. She didn't give a fuck about God.

She used faith to not build God up, but to build herself up in true cult leader form. I think from the beginning her grift was always about her, always about her power. Essentially in the early years Gwen's half baked, if baked at all dietary premise, was that you're hungry for food, wasn't actually hungry at all. It was you trying to fill an empty void in your soul with material things when the only thing that could fill it was God. Revolutionary. I've always thought that one of the reasons I continually hurt my body fat goals is and have a few Oreos or maybe like a bowl of ice cream or maybe a maple bar or old-fashioned

glazed donut at the end of the day after working out that morning eating pretty healthy the rest of the day is because I'm addicted to sugar. And also because I'm an emotional eater. And when I'm tired, I can feel a little bit down. And I know that something sweet will immediately cheer me up. And that feels good. But no, no, that's wrong. I've had it all wrong. I have not been craving sugar all these years. I've been craving the Lord.

I tell myself I want to chew up and swallow and digest some Oreos, maybe some double stuff Oreos. But really, I want to chew up and swallow and digest some Oreos, maybe some double stuff Oreos, but really I want to chew up and swallow and digest baby Jesus. I want to eat baby Jesus. That's what I'm figuring out now. I want to gobble up and swallow the Lord. I think maybe I'm missing something. This new and insane perspective on dieting established the foundation for Gwen's way

down workshop. Let's check back in now with Tarzan. 1984 22 year old Joe Lara started dating a 16 year old in his acting class named Natasha Pavlovich. Natasha was a model who won the title of Miss Beverly Hills in 1989 or would win it. Miss California finalists in 1990, Miss Yugoslavia in 1991 and then that same year a semi-finalist for Miss Universe. Also appeared as a guest star on various TV shows from 1992 to 2013. These two will date on and off for 23 years, until 2007, when Natasha will cut him off completely.

Before breaking things off, they'll have a child together and then a nasty custody battle. She'll also possibly be the only woman Joe ever dated who was younger than himself. More on that soon, his little grift. In 996, back to Gwen, she officially starts the way down workshop after being informed by God directly. She had a vision that it was her divine duty to make people skinny. It may sound like I'm being sarcastic again, but absolutely not. Gwen believed and taught her followers to believe, which they still do, that she was chosen by God

to teach his people how to honor him with their eating habits. Gwen, it's me, God. I'm sick of the fatties, Gwen. They're hard to look at. All the rolls, the chins, I can't take it, Gwen. I wish I would have never created sugar or cocoa or Twinkies or yoga pants, spandex shorts, tube tops. I worked really hard

to create a beautiful world Gwen but now when I gaze my loving eyes apart at it all I can see are huge flabby asses big thunder thighs and floppy heavy weak arms I haven't been able to look down and have a boner in many years Gwen. Gwen I need your help we have to get these fat fucks to stop snacking on donuts start eating veggies Gwen. Sorry about the language just bums me out and stuff. That's something I got. At its inception the way down workshop was a singular program offered by the counseling center Gwen worked at in Memphis. It's early years the workshop was basically just a weekly class slash support group led

by Gwen on how to use faith to punish fat people. I mean lose weight and was held at the local mall. I hate to think what Gwen, I mean God would think of my stomach. Not sure I'd be welcomed into her church. I'm fairly lean everywhere else, but you know, I always seem to hover around in second trimester status with my midsection. God's probably up in heaven right now, looking down on me thinking, bigger t-shirts, bro! You gotta at least try to make it not so noticeable, Cummins!

You stupid fat spare tire, fuck! Now back to Tarzan again. After moving to LA to pursue his dream of being filthy rich and famous In 929 Joe Laura one of the greatest high school wide receivers in the history of California If not the world guy who could have easily been a first ballot NFL Hall of Famer if he would have been so damn beautiful Is cast in the lead role and CBS's movie of the week, Tarzan in Manhattan. I'm sure you've heard of it. I mean who hasn't? I'm sure you've watched it and own the collector's edition 25th anniversary Blu-ray DVD. That includes

the director's cut. Check out this little promo. This little promo for this made-for-TV movie. It's amazing. One of the world's wildest heroes is back in an amazing adventure. This time he's fighting for animal rights and he's up against the world's most dangerous predator. He's stalking a different kind of beast in a different kind of jungle. Tarzan in Manhattan. Tarzan in Manhattan. I think it says a lot about Joe's acting abilities or lack thereof, how he never speaks in the promo. In the movie and in subsequent series, they even dubbed a Tarzan yell from another Tarzan actor from the 1930s, Johnny Weissmuller, Weissmuller, because Joe couldn't do the yell. On that promo, they just kept showing close-up shots of his oiled-up, muscled body as he hung from a vine.

Dude was handsome, I'll give him that. Kind of had a Fabio cover of a romance novel look, long flowing locks, chiseled jaw, big wrist, solid skull, definite gigachat territory. Playing Tarzan wasn't Joe Eyes' big break. He'd been attending acting classes for the last couple of years to perfect his craft, expensive classes that he did not pay for, not directly. Former friends of his would later say they had no idea how he'd paid for them. Excuse me, the three plus years that he had been in the city of angels.

Joe never worked a real job and landed very few modeling or acting gigs. He wasn't actually spending a bunch of time in Paris or Milan, setting the modeling world on fire. Where did the money to fund his lifestyle come from? According to a man that attended an acting workshop with Joe, excuse me, my gosh. According to trying to drink some water during that thing. And OK, according to a man who attended an acting workshop with Joe, he always had older girlfriends who provided for him.

Tarzan Bigelow, male jiggalo. That is the original Tarzan called the Wild from Johnny Weissmueller. Basically, the Michael Phelps B of the world, swimming world before Phelps was born. The cry dubbed in for Joe's Tarzan rules. Johnny was an Olympic swimmer who won five gold medals. After retiring from competitive swimming, he played Tarzan in a dozen feature films produced between 1932 and 1948. Back to Joey Grifter, knockoff Tarzan, that handsome bastard never had to pay rent

because he never had his own apartment. He just moved from one rich woman's house to another whenever he was inevitably kicked out for being a disingenuous freeloader He went from living off daddy's money to live an off of the money of old ladies. He scammed older ladies Often while also dating young Natasha. He was a Hollywood dirtbag Prior to landing the role of Tarzan still in his early 20s One of the many women Joe leached off of was a fellow student in one of his acting classes named Dory Frostman at the time Dory was tall blonde student in one of his acting classes named Dory Frostman. At the time, Dory was tall, blonde, and in her late 50s.

Not only did Dory, like his previous older girlfriends, pay for Joe's groceries, acting classes, clothes, let him live with her, everything. While they were dating, she also bought him a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. And like in most of his other relationships around this time, Dory and Joe's romance would be short-lived. Not long after she bought him that badass bike, she set that bike on fire and threw him out of her house because he cheated on her. Oh well, for Joe, he was supposedly already scamming some other lady of means.

Speaking of ladies of means, 1991, Gwen moves her program out of the secular counseling center and into God's house, specifically the Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis. That's when the way down workshop really started to hit its stride and Gwen started to cash in. Out of what began as a community support group, Gwen had now developed a 12-week weight loss program that, as she put it, taught people to, quote, stop bowing down to the refrigerator and start bowing down to him. Capital H. People slimming down, getting those bikini bods, thanks to the Lord. God loves a girl with itty bitty waist. Jesus is probably up in heaven right now, wearing a no fatties tank top, lowering his sunglasses,

you know, he wears beneath his Budweiser visor so we can check out some hot bods, you know, couple sexy new heaven entrance coming in. All right, all right, all right. Looking good, ladies. Can you imagine if that's who God really was? What an unexpected twist for so many people. Like you're a good Christian woman. You work hard to be faithful your whole life, humble, repentant, following all kinds of rules that most of your friends don't have to.

You stay nice and fit your whole life. Then you die young and are overjoyed when you do make it to heaven it is real But then you haven't been up there for two minutes when you hear a cat call What I can't do a keggle There we go. You look around. It's Jesus. He's listening at you. He's a hundred percent. I fucking you looking good girl Oh, look at those ass That is why you take care of your temple, baby. Oh spin around for me. Let me see what you're working with You knew here, right? Let me give you a little tour and then by tour He just takes you directly into his huge master bedroom with a massive circular waterbed in the middle when you frown

He's like come on, baby. Let the Lord see you smile. You're so much prettier when you smile Before long Workshop You're so much prettier when you smile. Uh, before long, the way down workshop, that was terrible, uh, was being offered in hundreds of churches across the country. The smash hit. And Gwen became an overnight celebrity for God-loving souls struggling with their weight. In order to offer the program, churches of course first had to purchase it, uh, in its entirety, directly from Gwen. Good profit margin.

After that, both members and non-members of the congregation could pay a fee to attend the workshop, part of which went to the host church, part of which went back into Gwen's bank account. For the duration of the program, members would gather together at church once a week to watch videos and listen to audio cassettes of Gwen spreading the good word

of how to become God's skinny little bony-ass shepherd, or bony-ass sheep, rather, and then discuss as a group in between meetings, members track their progress with workbooks. According to an archive article from Delaware's, the news journal published on April 13th, 1997, first timers paid a fee of $103 to participate and then would return for a second time if they wanted for a $55 discount. After that, they could redo the program again for free. Quinn's killing it.

I wonder what part of the fee she kept. Probably at least 20%. I mean, if not 50%. Let's say it's 20%. And in average, if just five people per church take this course for their first round, you know, first go round. I bet there's probably more people than that,

probably quite a few more. But let's be very conservative. And that would be $20, $0.06 per person. So $103, a 12-week course, you know, three months. So a church could run that course four times a year. Let's say they only do three times. That would be $309.00 in this example to Gwen per church per year. That does not count what the church got for originally buying her program, you know, like what she got.

If they charge each person $103.00 a course, I'm sure buying the materials must have cost, you know, quite a bit more than that. Let's say $200. You know, conservatively, let's say it was 300 churches. That would be $92,700 for course takers per year. Another $60,000 for buying the course on the low end. I bet she did a lot better than that. But that is $152,700 a year in 1995, equivalent to around $310,000 today. Pretty good for getting going. And then she got way more church than that. She got up into thousands and thousands.

There's no exact count. But amidst the prevalent weight loss culture of the 1990s, which was rife with calorie counting, scheduling body shame and excessive dieting, the way down workshop stood out due to its lack of diet. The way down workshop teaches that there are no foods that you need to avoid as Jesus declared all foods to be clean. In Mark seven, Jesus says,

because it goeth not into his heart, but into his belly and goeth out into the drought. This he said, making all foods clean. The way down workshop teaches that it's not how much you eat or what you eat or even whether or not you exercise that has caused you to gain weight, it's the fact that you love food more than you love God. It's the fact that you love a material thing more than you love God. Although in the 1990s, thousands thanked God and Gwen for helping them lose weight, both she and God received

significant ridicule for reinforcing the idea that being fat is sin. When faced with that criticism, Gwen's response was always the same. It's not that God hates fat people. It's that God is jealous of how we overindulge in and submit to food. Being fat does not offend God. She would say overeating does, but I don't believe, I don't think she believed. Being fat did not offend, was not offensive. When asked in one televised interview, are you worried at all that you're sending the message to God only like thin people?

When responded mm-hmm. I don't think he looks at the outside as much as the heart That's what he says. I think I think he's jealous. He's jealous of us worshiping objects more than him Jealous this amazing literally perfect omnipent, almighty universe-creating being. Jealous of donuts? Like has God a divine, all-powerful creator, or some version of King Joffrey from Game of Thrones? Some petulant tyrant? Some powerful, petty, teenage, medieval king? Hey, why do you give so many compliments to the Duke of Lancaster? Yet you shared no such pleasantries towards myself. Do you not find my hair to be thick and luxurious? Do you not find my eyes to be deep and true? Who's the fucking king here? I should have

you killed immediately. No, I will have you killed. Gods, take her to the dungeon. Do what you wish to her before stretching on the rack until she breaks. Listen now, God is King Joffrey. King Joffrey is jealous. And in order to avoid displeasing Joffrey God, the Way Down Workshop teaches members to simply eat when they're hungry never before, but like real hungry. One local organizer of a Way Down Workshop named Diana Johnson was quoted in the February 27th, 1994 issue of the Tennessee as saying, this is not a diet.

It's about moderation, not deprivation. When you diet, it makes you too food focused, giving food too much glitter and power. But when God sent us here, he didn't send us with a diet sheet from a doctor. God has given us an internal hunger mechanism. If we can get back in touch with that, we'll eat when we're hungry, stop when we're full.

Yeah, that internal hunger mechanism is for sure broken some people. But you know, whatever, who cares about proven science? Who cares this hunger mechanism 100% for sure does not work the same for everyone. You know, that doesn't work for Gwen's simplistic message and marketing. So you know, fuck it. The way that workshop teaches participants that they cannot eat unless they receive clear hunger cues from their bodies, like feeling an ache in their stomach or hearing their

stomach growl. Yeah, that's unnecessary. A total caloric intake over the course of the day versus calories burned through activity is the most important criteria for weight loss. Those calories can come in a few bigger meals, a lot of smaller snacks. Richard shows that it actually doesn't matter which route you choose there. You definitely don't need to starve yourself. Gwen taught that if you're feeling a longing for food before your natural pain, you need to drop to your knees in prayer and give that sinful desire over to God.

Let God eat for you or something like that. Or when you receive powerful hunger cues from your body, is it acceptable to God for you to... Oh, sorry. Excuse me. Only when you receive powerful hunger cues from your body, is it acceptable to God for you to... Oh, sorry. Excuse me, only when you receive powerful hunger cues from your body is it acceptable to God for you to eat. But you're still not out of the woods. Because once you've started eating, you're still at risk of upsetting the Lord by eating too much. That's why the program also teaches members to recognize signs from their body that mean they've eaten enough. Basically, God is always watching you, including when you eat very closely.

Do you really need to finish that chicken fried steak or do you need to push your plate back, right? And not end up in hell, fatty. In the nineties, Gwen invented two metrics to help people identify these hunger cues and signals on a scale from one to 10 of hunger pain intensity. Uh, when you reach a level seven, that's when it's time for you to eat. Levels one, two, three, four, five, and six mean no snack for you, only prayer.

Your stomach isn't hungry yet. Your spirit is. On a scale from one to 10 of satiety, when you reach a four, which means you feel uncomfortable, but not full, then it's time to stop eating. Okay. Quick side note on this revolutionary idea of Gwen's, which she did market as revolutionary, it is not. It's shit that was already common knowledge by the time Gwen, quote, invented it, just repackaged.

You know, this happens all the time in the health and wellness industry, groundbreaking workouts and diet plans, just repackaged versions of the same old shit people have been doing for years. The basis of the way down Workshop is just intuitive eating. Intuitive eating was around a long, long time before Gwen discovered its benefits. What she did was repackage this already existing concept, as I said, add a big heaping of God to it and then sell it to people as something groundbreaking. In one promotional video for the Weigh Down Workshop, she says,

God revealed to me that this was the true deliverance, and that the key to permanent weight control is a matter of the heart. You know who that sounds a lot like? Spiritualist Con Artist, Jeff and Shaliyah Devine, who we covered in episode 381, The Twin Flames Universe. Although at first glance, New Age spiritualist gurus, YouTubers,

cult leaders, Jeff and Shaliyah, appear to be the polar opposite of the Bible Thumpin' weight loss prophetess, they actually have quite a bit in common, particularly in regards to how they presented themselves or when, you know, Gwen's case presented themselves as gatekeepers of divine information. And what I mean by that is the overarching narrative slash marketing strategy of the way down workshop essentially identical to that of Jeff and Shaliyah's ascension school. It's almost like, as I mentioned many times before, no matter how different their teachings might be, all cult leaders utilize the same manipulative tactics and ultimately exhibit

the same behaviors. As we know, Jeff and Shalee claim that what they teach has never been taught before by anyone else in the history of the world because the knowledge they have was given to them only to them directly from Mother Father God. That's the biggest selling point of the Twin Flames universe. Unless you attend their ridiculously expensive classes, you will never ever gain access to the super special, top secret VIP, cool kid knowledge that God entrusted to the most righteous people on earth today, Jeff and Shaliyah dipshit fuckface. I mean divine. Similarly, Gwen Shamblin pretended up until the very end of her life, that what she was

teaching was brand new and revolutionary, sacred knowledge that had been bestowed upon her to her directly from our Father who art in heaven and no one else. She asserted that unless you pay for the way down workshop and a decade later unless you also join her one true church, you'll never gain access to her righteous divine info. That's a great grift. It reminds me of a small town drug dealers grind. You want this shit? You want this good shit that takes all your pain away?

Well, then this is what you have to pay, because I'm the only motherfucker selling it, baby. In addition to the Hunger Cues scales, at the Way Down workshop, you were also taught to do things like put Bible verses on your pantry and refrigerator to remind you to turn to God instead of turning to food. This is because as Gwen teaches, or taught, the desire for food without the accompanying hunger queues is not hunger for food at all, right? It's a spiritual hunger. The only way to satisfy it is with a bowl of Lucky Charms poured out of a freshly opened box with nice cold Fresh milk poured on top and a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice on the side

Mmm, or with God actually only with God I know it might seem like a bowl of delicious Lucky Charms would also satisfy your desire, but not true according to Gwendolyn When people would tell her that they felt the urge to snack. Gwen would state. I said, I say chew on this and I hand them a Bible. She actually stopped saying that

towards the end of her life for legal reasons. In the early years, several of her followers died from eating too many Bibles. One of them choked to death on a heaping of Leviticus, King James Version, JK, of course.

Another tactic the Way Down teaches is that whenever you sit down to eat, put a box of plastic wrap on the table to remind you to only consume a half portion. Put the other half away later before you get full. Similarly, whenever you go out to eat at a restaurant, Gwen advises you should order it to go back with your food immediately for the same reason. If you find yourself still struggling the way down, also sold and still sells today, when it vises, you should order it to go back with your food immediately for the same reason.

If you find yourself still struggling the way down, also sold and still sells today, a nifty little device called the Gluttony Stick. This is fun. It's a thick oak club, approximately 20 inches long. Bottom six inches are wrapped in a leather sheath for enhanced grip. Top of the club widens in diameter from about a one and three quarter inch at the bottom handle to three inches at the top of the club. Also the top of the club widens in diameter from about a one and three-quarter inch at the bottom handle to three inches at the top of the club also the top of the club wrapped in what looks like a very heavy grain sandpaper like 2040 grit and what you do with this handy little device is if you're struggling with pushing your plate away you grab this gluttony stick and you just you just hit yourself you just hit yourself in the calf or inner thigh hard While you whisper stop protecting the Lord you stupid wick fat fuck

The rough surface of the top of the club will reduce the chance that the stick will slip off on impact and ensure a solid Contact and thus more pain each blow should give you a real nice bruise not so general reminder that God is so disappointed You stupid fat ass. God still loves you, but he doesn't like you. He for sure doesn't respect you. So do better tons of fun, or should I say tons of sin? There's no gluttony stick, you knew that. But would you really been surprised if there was one? Back to the real program now.

If you avoid eating too much, not only will you please God by refusing to indulge, you'll also get super, super skinny. And as countless former members report at the Weigh Down Workshop, skinner you are, the faster you lose weight, the more God loves you. God loves a tight-toned, rock-hard little pooper. God loves to see your body fat below 7% and nothing, I mean nothing, gets God's dick harder than a six-pack.

In the documentary, one former member spoke about how Gwen constantly taught students that they already have breakfast, lunch and dinner on their bodies, referring to their excess fat. And if their body really needs food, but they haven't felt any hunger pains yet, well, it'll just use that extra breakfast lunch and dinner right on you to sustain yourself. Before moving ahead to 1996. Now this is our least intrusive spot for today's second

to two mid-show sponsor breaks. And I'm back. This is beginning of 1996. Gwen is about to take her really stupid weight loss program to new very successful heights. 1996, Gwen establishes the Way Down headquarters in Franklin, Tennessee, with a staff of 40 devotees that I doubt she paid much order. Gwen establishes the way down headquarters in Franklin, Tennessee with the staff of 40 devotees That I doubt she paid much or at all half a decade in and the way down workshop was already being offered in thousands of churches All across the country in every single state and even a few others abroad. She's making millions now

part of the reason it was so successful is because it really was working starvation is a great way to lose weight and permanently damage your body as well. Heart disease, osteoporosis, nerve damage, significant hormonal imbalances, numerous gastrointestinal issues, on and on, but it does work as far as weight loss. It turns out if you just literally stop eating or something close to that, you will lose weight. It's called anorexia. A Great way to fuck up people psychologically as well. You know, give them or exacerbate eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, but again, does and did work.

People really were losing significant amounts of weight through Gwen's program. In almost every single newspaper article from the 90s about Gwen Shamblin that we found, there were at least two quotes from local Weigh Down students talking about how much weight they lost in the program. And more more often than not talking about how they had never been able to make any progress in their weight loss journey prior to starting it. 1994, one devout woman who attended the workshop at Woodmont Hills Church Christ in Tennessee, Gwen knew had a market to her old church. This one was quoted in a local paper saying, I've been through 18 diets, anti-depressant medicine, counseling, nobody

could heal my heart. Nothing worked until I fully asked God for healing. And I hadn't thought of over-reading as a sin before, as something disobedient to God. I know that God's interested in my welfare and my weight. It's too much work for me alone, but it's nothing to Him. She wanted to say in the six months. She'd been in the program She had lost 93 pounds and her husband who was also in the program had lost 52 She's impressive a bummer that they had to connect their weight loss to God's love for them or lack thereof though And far between New Mexico 1996 a local woman named Donna Peake was interviewed about her experience in the workshop After attending the 12-week program three times consecutively, she went from 276 pounds to 48 pounds. What? What a miracle! Oh, God loved her so much!

So skinny! So beautiful! Sure, maybe she lost most of her teeth to malnutrition, and she became legally blind. Yeah, essential nutrients, depletion, you know, left her with permanent brain damage. Who cares? Who needs teas or vision or short-term memory or all your hair or to have skin not constantly covered in bruises or to not live in constant chronic pain when you had the love of God? She was not 48 pounds. Thank God. Feels weird to say thank God there, but whatever. I should end up at 153 pounds, which is, you know, pretty impressive. In the article she said, through prayer and having faith in God, I've kept the weight off. In that same article, an outreach director at the way down headquarters named Renee Reid

is quoted as saying, the only exercise you need is getting down in your knees. Pretty sure she's talking about prayer there, but uncomfortable wording. That same quote could be also used to sell a diet plan based mostly on dick sucking, which also could be a great way to lose weight. I mean, if you think about it, whenever you get hungry, just suck some dick. Or to make it fair for more folks

on the sexual spectrum, eat some puss. Let a bit of cum or lady loop sustain you. If you could just do this for all of your meals, like but one each and every day. Oh, you will lose so much weight and you will make your partner or many partners or some strangers very happy. Blessed be the skinny cocksuckers. Blessed be the svelte pus eaters. That might be the best diet ever actually losing weight doesn't just make you happy.

Makes the many people around you happy, but I don't think God would approve, right? He gets jealous, remember? He wants you to worship him. He wants you to figuratively suck his dick only and no one else's. Back to Gwen's revolution. Now, as multiple news stations reported in the mid-90s, the results of the weight-down workshop were staggering. There were testimonies everywhere you looked from people

who had lost hundreds of pounds by following Gwen's advice. In addition to guaranteeing astounding weight loss results, the way down workshop was also attractive to a lot of Christians during this time because Gwen appeared to stand in sharp contrast to the other notable Christians of this period, a lot of televangelists who had very questionable morality at best. Gwen dressed modestly in plain clothes and her hair still at a normal human height at this time was traveling around speaking in small churches and seemingly actually living the pious life she

preached about. She seemed like a breath of fresh air when compared to the greedy, conniving Jim Baker's Jimmy Swaggered to the world, both of whom got caught in highly publicized sexual scandals. Baker also went to prison for committing fraud and stealing from his congregation. As cult interventionist, director of spear watch ministries Reverend Rafael Martinez says in the docu-series, Americans were seeing the big fat cat leaders in the churches living such immoral and materialistic lives. So they began to view the way down workshop and his teaching and its claims and what Gwen was saying as an alternative, as an outlet to get their spiritual needs met.

Little did they know that despite her innocent facade, Gwen was just as gluttonous, just as predatory, just as self-serving as those male televangelists. The Weigh Down was an instant success. Bridges the gap between people who were struggling with their weight and people who thought God had all the answers. 1996, big year for Gwen. June 28th and 29th, the first national conference of the Way Down workshop was held in Nashville, Tennessee.

Following year, 1997, Gwen published her first book, The Way Down Diet, through Doubleday. Here's a little blur regarding the book's contents from its Amazon page. This is not a diet like others because it is not food focused. It contains chapters such as, It's not genetics or your mother's fault. I feel hungry all the time and how to eat potato chips and chocolate. I didn't make up those chapters. There really is a chapter called how to eat potato chips and chocolate. First off, sometimes it really is genetics Gwen, but you know, again, fuck science, whatever. Also, I would love it if the chapter how to eat potato chips and chocolate just literally had

diagrams illustrating exactly how to do that like really dumb down step one carefully place one to three chips in your fingers like so step two place chips into your mouth ideally placing them directly upon the tongue warning be sure to remove your fingers from your mouth before biting down on the chips. This is very important. Failure to do this can result in serious injury. Step three, chew all your chips thoroughly before swallowing. You dumb chip-loving, god-displeasing, fat-fucked, cow-fucked person.

You get it. The following year, Gwen appears on the Larry King Live show, greatly expands her audience. Uh, I hate it that these people were having her on. As the way down workshop grew more popular, more members were having success with it. Uh, Gwen now started to preach that his teachings could be applied to fix any problem. Not just, not just obesity, drug addiction, depression, poor finances, poor health, anything and everything could be fixed by just giving your indulgence

over to God and realizing that the bad things are only happening to you because you're disobeying God. Just to pray it all away method. Oh man, just juvenile, simplistic, magical thinking at his finest. You know, many church leaders have tried to use this exact same method to cure sexual predators of pedophilia for centuries. It's never worked. There's a lot of shit. You just can't pray away. It's a reckless dangerous, dangerous, wildly irresponsible message to put out there. Gwen soon started broadening her claims even further, started to claim that the problems of America's church, like materialism and the clergy in disregard for the Bible's teaching, could be fixed and could only be fixed by the same doctrine. Her doctrine. Coat, coat, coat.

As Reven Martinez says in the documentary, Gwen began preaching that, quote, Christian perfectionism could only be achieved by following her message. And so from that point on, she began realizing, well, there needs to be a new church. There needs to be a new restoration. And that's when she incorporated the Remnant Fellowship Church. And here we fucking go. March 1999, Gwen, her husband, and other people, create the remnant fellowship church or as she called it, the One True Church.

Of course, not a good church or a great church, not even a righteous church, still not enough. Her church was the One True Church, just like Tonsuk is the One True Podcast. Cult, cult, cult, hell Nimrod! The one and only true podcast God. Lucifina just clarified it to me. The annual Desert Oasis Conference, July 14th to 15th, 2000, Nashville, Tennessee, Gwen officially renounces the establishment, or excuse me, not renounces, very different,

announces, not renounces, announces, the establishment of the Remnant Fellowship Church, immediately it is controversial, while half of the Remnant Fellowship Church, immediately it is controversial. While half of the audience buys in to her pretentious declaration, other half does leave in disgust. I'll share additional reasons why they left some controversial theological assertions Gwen was making here in a bit. To the audience of nearly a thousand people, plus those who could watch it on DVD later,

Gwen announced, God is rebuilding this city with the righteous remnant. Whether you want to be a part of it or not, and just as in Nehemiah's day, he has chosen only the obedient survivors from the exiles, those who returned and obeyed his commands. I've wondered if there was a church or a true church on this earth or not, or was it just going to exist in heaven? I have good news! I have found Gauls church! She did it! She did it everybody! Oh, her little brass doll, bobblehead of bony ass did what no one else could ever do. She found the one true church. And guess where it was? Right on her property. How

amazing! And by found, she meant about to be built by her in order for her to make millions of dollars in profit. Oh, how fun! If you're not familiar with Nehemiah, his story appears in the book of Nehemiah, 16th book of the Old Testament. Nehemiah was a Jewish nutritionist and rabbi in the 5th century of BC who first promoted the idea that fat chicks and husky hanks couldn't get into heaven. There's a version, or that is a version, of his most famous quote, book of Nehemiah chapter 3 verse 1, it is easier for a thin-risted Melvin to enter a gigastacy's top shelf vagina than it is for a low-tier fatty normie to waddle their humongous ass inside the pearly gates. For real now, Nehemiah did live in the 5th century BC. He was a Jewish leader who supervised the rebuilding of Jerusalem. Jerusalem. What the fuck they were? Not hard

word, Jerusalem. In the mid 5th century BC, rebuilding the wall surrounding Jerusalem was his most important construction project. And he did that after his release from captivity by the Persian king, also instituted extensive moral and liturgical reforms in rededicating the Jews to Yahweh. He was a lot like Gwen. He made sure his people followed God's rules with the laws of Moses. And Gwen, she made sure that her people were quite skinny. So you know, same as these.

The Remnant Fellowship Church is based on the idea that all other churches are fraudulent, phony fucking fatties. They have straight away from God's teachings, as outlined in the Bible, what Gwen lacked in body weight she made up for in hubris. The very name of her church is pretty leased. It suggests that they are the only remains of the real Church of God as described in the Old Testament. Although, as far as we know, Remnant Fellows has not gone full-blown doomsday cult yet

is ironic that the only time the idea of the remnant is used in the New Testament, in the book of revelations, where there is a remnant of 144,000 believers existing during the end times. How many times does that number come up in cults? So often. In addition to claiming that hers was the only genuine church of God, Gwen pissed a lot of people off by denying the Trinity. This might have upset her followers more than announcing her church was the only real one

on earth. As Britannica describes it in Christianity, the Trinity is the unity of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as three persons in one Godhead. The doctrine of the Trinity is considered to be one of the central Christian affirmations about God. It is rooted in the fact that God came to meet Christians in a three-fold figure. 1. As Creator, as revealed in the Old Testament.

2. As the Lord, who, in the incarnated figure of Jesus Christ, lived among human beings. And 3. As the Holy Spirit, whom they experience as the helper or intercessor in the power of the new life. In other words, the Trinity states that the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost are all equals. It is a fundamental, foundational Christian belief. And while founding her new church, Gwen stated that this long, long-held bedrock belief was

not true and that God was the Father above all, including Jesus. Big doctrinal twist, right? Cult, cult, cult. Christianity, to deny the Trinity, is considered heresy, a sin against God. Gwen didn't see it that way. She feels so holy now, she's comfortable going rogue, declaring that this long-standing biblical interpretation is incorrect. After investigating so many cults here on time, so I think it's pretty clear what's happening here. Gwen is intentionally separating herself from the mainstream church to place herself and thus her church above the rest of Christianity. Or really more than that, she is replacing the rest of Christianity with her and her church. She and her church are more special, more righteous,

more worthy of your time and dedication than any other church, and in fact, following the doctrines of any other church, will get your soul sent straight to hell. In a weekly email to Remnant on August 10, 2000, Gwen wrote, Hello, my thin fit, beautifully bony children, and also disappointed acknowledgment to my ugly fatty, still struggling with Satan, who continually insist on putting their own selfish glutton and cellulite filled desires ahead of the Lord's love I sincerely hope that you get your waistline below 32 inches before you die Because just like you have to be at least 48 inches tall to go on a lot of the best carnival rides at the fair You have to be at least 32 inches small the slide in between the pearly gates you lazy weak-willed fucks Kind of wish that was how she started her email.

Here's how she really started it. As a ministry, we believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. However, the Bible does not use the word Trinity. And our feeling is that the word Trinity implies equality and leadership or shared leadership. It is clear that the scriptures teach that Jesus is the Son of God and that God sends the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit does not send God anywhere. God is clearly the head. Boom, bitches! Mike dropped. Separating herself from mainstream Christian teachings earned her a lot of haters, but also was a way of increasing her appeal and in typical zealot fashion. Everywhere she went, she spoke about her newfound revelation that God is above all.

As an objective truth revealed to her directly from heaven. However, that's a bunch of bullshit. This move, not about theology, as investigative journalist Stuart Watson put it, Jesus, ichthis, the fish, the cross, the Bible, the whole nine yards, it's all smoke and mirrors. This is not about theology at all. This is all a slideshow. Excuse me, slides show. Side show. Very different. It's about money, prestige, power.

That is her holy trinity. That would take a very different turn if I said it was all about the slide show. Then he just goes and do a big visual presentation. As Remnant Fellowship started to grow following the big initial departure of about half her congregation, Gwen's condemnation of the rest of the world's fraudulent churches grew more severe. In one sermon, Gwen is recorded as saying, The unrepentant gravitate quickly to the dark places, the dark churches, that do not turn on the light for the fear of offending any members, stepping on any toes, because the

pain of the light of the gill is overwhelming. Although she later denied doing so fervently for legal reasons when they sued her during the same time in 2000 when fired five long-standing employees at the way down headquarters for refusing to join her new remnant fellowship. Yeah, trying to deny your employees religious freedom is a bit of a no-no. The disgruntled employees retained the help of that attorney, Gary Blackburn, in a case, or of an attorney, Gary Blackburn, with, oh my god, in a case with five individual lawsuits against Gwen for infringing on their First Amendment rights of religious freedom. They would all

receive settlements for undisclosed amounts. One of the former employees, Tanya Cardenti, was interviewed in an October 2000 issue of Baptist Press where Tanya claimed not only would she fire for not converting to Gwinnah's new religion, but that near the end of her job she was punished for praying at the way down headquarters. Tanya who had relocated herself and her family to Nashville a couple years prior, after she got a job with way down said, I used my lunch hour to pray. And I was told by Gwinnah that she pays other people good money to pray and she didn't need my prayers and it wasn't my other people good money to pray and she didn't need my prayers

And it wasn't my place to decide what to pray for After increasing pressure from Gwen Tanya and her family decided to visit the remnant fellowship sermons at the way down workshop for about two months She said that's when we started to hearing things that we knew weren't doctrinally sound Gwen would tell us that grace isn't the message of God and that she is a prophet. She said the anti-Christ resides in all of us. After she stopped attending remnant, Tanya was immediately fired. Another former employee, single mother Anita Pillow, was similarly fired from the way down for refusing to join remnant. However, in the middle of being fired, Pillow was asked by Gwen to sign a letter

saying she resigned instead of being a, uh, saying she resigned, which she thankfully refused to sign. Uh, during her legal deposition with Gary Blackburn, the lawyer representing the five long-term, long-time employees at the way down headquarters, fired from not becoming co-members, while describing her church and her teachings, Gwen said some weird shit.

Weirdest thing she probably said was using the physical condition of concentration camp victims around the Holocaust as proof of how portion control for sure leads to weight loss. She said, when people were in prison camps and ate less food, they lost weight. All of them. To which Blackburn responds, Mrs. Shamblin, surely you're not making a comparison between the forced starvation of a population and middle class Americans eating habits. Are you honestly doing that?

After looking confused for a moment, then returning to her usual poise stance, Gwen answers, I have been for 15 years and a lot of people have responded. What an incredibly tone deaf thing to do here. You just have to eat less and you will lose what I promise. I mean, do you remember seeing pictures of any fat Jewish people in Auschwitz? What? You can't be serious, Gwen. I mean, no, I don't remember. Exactly. Why? I mean, they were all skinny. Well, I bet a lot of them were praying instead of stuffing their faces and God rewarded them for their prayer. Rewarded? You know almost all of them were mercilessly killed, right?

Yes, but they died skinny, sweetie, and they went to heaven. You know they weren't even questioned. They don't believe in your concept of stop getting hung up on the details, dear. I'm trying to make a point and save you. So her analogy painfully illustrated what her diet was really based in. Starvation. This was not the only time Gwen offensively used a tragedy as a marketing tool. Also in 2000, Gwen embarked on her speaking tour around the US. She called Rebuilding the Wall.

This name was meant to symbolize her attempt to rebuild the fallen walls of the modern churches which had lost their way and become sin-filled and compromised for God's glory. Right again, she's the new Nehemiah, building walls for the new Jerusalem, the remnant fellowship. The rebuilding of the wall event in South Manitian on November 10, 2001 was her first stop on the tour after the 9-11 attacks. According to her website during her speech, Gwen had a glorious and godly perspective on the 9-11 attacks. She sounded the alarm and warned everyone that today was the day, and now was the time to repent and be ready to meet God.

It was time to go all the way and build up God's church so that humble, seeking, hurting people would have a place to worship God in spirit and in truth. All of the remnant members who traveled to that event were introduced to the visiting audience to present a picture of what this looked like. Skinny. And to show that lives were being changed for the better at this place. Just another example of how Gwen would use fear and anxiety in order to manipulate people into joining her church. Be afraid trials and tribulations y'all. America's under attack. Your town could be next. Not a level just the beginning honey. Get your soul right with God. Lose that weight before it's too late dear.

Don't let your Lord ask. Lead you to being roasted and cooked down in hell by its unholy shift Satan. Another marketing tactic she used was weaponizing the very thing that she built her empire on. Weight loss. Flynn started preaching that people still participating in the way down workshops at churches that weren't remnant were gaining all of their weight back because they were in a false church. A lot of these other churches, unsurprisingly, were now rejecting Gwen's teachings and it would no longer sell her way down program.

That was okay with Gwen. She was building more congregations of her own now. The remnant fellowship congregation in Nashville was still growing, still being hosted in her way down corporate headquarters or at her mansion home. And satellite churches around the U.S. began popping up in the wake of wherever Gwen would stop on the Rebuild the Wall tour. In 2003, Gwen purchased a 40-acre plot of land to build a massive remnant fellowship church in Brentwood, Tennessee, less than a mile from Gwen's 25-acre, seven-bedroom

plantation home called Ashlawn. Brentwood is a predominantly white, affluent neighborhood with a high cost of living. In 2003, sermons continued to be held at Ashlawn, but as the church neared completion, more and more events began to be held in its hallowed halls. Even after the church was built, Ashlawn continued to serve as an event hall for the church and its members. Almost all remnant weddings are held there. First wedding held there was for Elizabeth Shambling, Gwen's daughter, and Brandon Hannah,

a marriage that Gwen may have arranged. Although remna denies that it enforces arranged marriages, in one former member's testimony, she describes a conversation she had with Gwen and a few of the other leaders while working on the Rebuild the Wall tour. Another conversation we had at dinner surrounded around the youth group. Gwen talked about which girl in the group should be with what guy. She even talked about Elizabeth being with Brandon. Conversation was such that Gwen was having everyone try and convince Elizabeth that she needed to date Brandon. She even tried to get us to tell Elizabeth that Brandon would get

better looking the older he got. Later, my husband and I discussed that apparently Gwen was matching the youths up as couples. We wondered if they were going to be arranged if there were going to be arranged marriages and remnant and even talked about that possibly happening. The whole conversation made us very uncomfortable. Soon after getting married Elizabeth and Brandon would have a baby girl named Henley. But five months later baby Henley would die in her sleep and so weird no one acknowledged this death to the congregation. Not Elizabeth, not Brandon, not Gwen.

According to multiple sources, this is the norm at remnant. Grieving is not allowed, especially for something as tragic and abrupt as losing a child. Because the image of grief is incompatible with the image that they try so desperately to put out there to the world, that their church is heaven on earth, all members are blessed and happy all the time. And, and hungry. So fucking hungry. Oh, so when Elizabeth lost her child, it was promptly and swiftly swept under the rug.

The other reason Remnant had to do this is because their whole philosophy and dogma is based on the idea that bad things only happen to you if you're not right with God. You're only fat because you don't love God enough, right? You're having money trouble because you're putting money above God. Your marriage is falling apart because you're't love God enough, right? You're having money trouble because you're putting money above God. Your marriage is falling apart because you're failing God. Sounds a lot like the mirror exercise that Jeff and Shaliyah Devine promoted in the, and still promote in the Twin Flames universe.

All Gwen talked about was that if you obey the one true church, then you will be blessed. But then her own grandchild dies at five months old. How can you reconcile that with the teaching that bad things only happen to bad people? This death, bad for the brand, right? Gwen was so righteous, living so free from sin, doing so much to glorify God. She was rewarded with the beautiful, skinny body, wealth, a healthy family.

A dead baby simply doesn't align with this prosperity, gospel-ish view. When another leader of the church could not draw attention to Hanley's death because using the logic that they taught, people would come to the conclusion that Elizabeth, or Michael, or Gwen, somebody in the family, had done something very wrong for God to punish them so. So they came up with the workaround. To avoid people asking what the Shamblin Hannah family had done to deserve this, they turned the question around towards the church. Maybe somebody else had fucked him over.

The leaders of the church started doing family checkups now because they knew that the Shamblin, Hannah family had done nothing wrong, so they couldn't be judged by God. Therefore, had to be someone else in the church, a rat that God was upset with, loved the mental gymnastics employed in Coles, just to shoehorn fucking anything and everything, into fitting inside their insane teachings. Gwen and upper members of her church's leadership now targeted congregants who they called the Strugglers, i.e. people who were overweight, because most likely it had to be one of them who brought God's judgment down upon the church and caused that baby to die.

Those fuckers! They ate too many pancakes at breakfast, too many mornings. They poured too much syrup on those pancakes, ate too many delicious pork sausage links alongside those pancakes that they also probably dipped in the syrup. And not real maple syrup either. Super sugary, high fruit-tourced corn syrup probably logged cabin, so fucking good. And when they kept stuffing those pancakes in sausage and probably some scrambled eggs and maybe even biscuits with some butter real butter and some strawberry jam down there chubby gluttonous selfish

gullets those fat fuckers doomed that baby to death and God had to punish him they had to they might as well have eaten Gwen's baby direct her grandbaby directly it was basically like they took that baby decapitated gutted it put the carcass on a spit roast over an open flame cooked it up rotisserie style after skin it and see the with some lorries and ate its tender delicious perfectly prepared and see some baby flesh along with some mashed potatoes real potatoes not instant maybe with a lot of butter and bit of sour cream drowning in white sausage country style gravy cornbread with honey French cut green beans cooked up with little chunks of bacon rubbed some brown sugar inside all washed down with some fucking sweet tea

For delicious nutritious family style meal before enjoying some down home banana cream pie with the graham cracker crust Oh, hot damn. That was a tasty baby anyway, I Got a little too into that probably. Anyway, after her baby's death, forget about all the stuff I said about eating babies. That was probably a lot. Elizabeth became a sunken shell of her former self, getting skinnier and skinnier, which was kind of good, because that meant God loved her more.

And according to multiple former members, quieter and quieter. But don't worry, she'll bounce back. She has to. It's what's best for the brand. More importantly, her mom, Gwen, seemed fine. She had a business to run, and business was good. She had big important services to preside over. There were also other kids in her congregation care for her. By care for her, I mean beat the shit out of her.

During the remnant Easter services in 2300s from all around America, flocked to the Nashville Church to celebrate with Gwen in person. Brandwood resident Laura Boone had a regular gig babysitting remnant and on that particular weekend She was in charge of summer between 20 30 younger kids while their parents attended worship as these parents were dropping their children off She noticed one little eight-year-old boy named Joseph Smith The not the reincarnated founder of the LDS church if you curse in the corner sobbing uncontrollably of the LDS church, if you're curious, in the corner sobbing uncontrollably. Laura tracked down Joseph's dad, also named Joseph,

for the sake of clarity, we'll just call him Joe, and asked him if there was a game she could play with his son in order to calm him down, make him feel better. Making a punching motion into his fists, Joe told her to quote, just hit him hard. She refused, and again he repeated, no really, just hit him hard.

Again Laura refused, so Joe took his son into a back room and Laura could hear him beating the little boy. Remember he's eight, a third grader and his grown ass man father is choosing to discipline him with his fists punching him. Multiple other remnant parents witnessed the incident, no one seemed fazed by it. After the beating, little Joseph and his dad came back out. Joseph was dead silent. Joe and his wife Sonia then headed into worship. Oh, what an intro to God. Fear God, little Joseph, for sometimes his love comes in the form of a fucking brutal ass-wulpin. This was the last time Laura ever babysat at the remnant. It was when she realized that

blatant child abuse was not only allowed within the remnant. It was when she realized that blatant child abuse was not only allowed within the remnant, it was the norm. One of the foundational aspects of remnant's belief is the importance of child obedience by virtually any means necessary. In one video of Gwen speaking to dozens of children at remnant church, she says, quote, the way you show God that you're answering to him is through obeying your mother and father for on the first time. If you obey the second and third time or you are slow to obey, you are being your own God and nobody playing around like that can ever get to heaven. So you will only live for a few years on earth. Then you will have a horrible afterlife if you do not obey mommy and daddy the first time, you will be taken out and you

will be very, very sorry. You will be taken out. Man, that dark, sold, bobblehead of bitch. Might have to write Chad Daybell in prison. Find out what level of demon zombie Gwen was. Got to be at least a 4.3, right? Referencing the Lori Vallow suck if you're very confused here Uh, seriously though, that was some horrific shit for her to say essentially Gwen's believes on having obedient children

Uh, the same as her belief on being overweight if you're overweight You're making the Zion God has entrusted her to build look bad If you have disobedient children, you're making Zion look bad making her look bad To this day the welcome page of the remnant website reads Meet the remnant of the remnant website reads, We are experiencing healed marriages, increasing joy, restored health, repaired finances, and children who love to follow the guidance of their parents. That obey your mom and dad commandment type shit. It's always bothered me. It desperately needs some updates, some carve outs.

How about obey your mother and father unless they're terrible fucking parents? Should Rod Farrell from last week's Florida Vampire Murder Suck have listened to his mother Sandra? No. She was a horrible influence on him. More than 600,000 children are abused in the US each year. 34% of the sexual abusers of children are family members. In 88% of cases, the perpetrator is male.

So how many dads worldwide, this is definitely not just a US problem, are currently sexually abusing one or more of their children or physically abusing them? I would conservatively estimate hundreds of thousands, if not a million or millions, probably many millions. Should those kids honor their father, follow his guidance, should they fear eternal damnation for standing up to their abuser? And that's just the most extreme example. What about parents who say forbid their child to date someone of a different race or of

a different religion? Should they fear damnation for following their heart and not being judgemental assholes? Simple maxims like that are frankly really fucking stupid. Overly simplistic, blatantly problematic to anyone who wants to employ any critical thinking reasonable like in light skills. I feel sorry for any children raised in Gwen's remnant fellowship bullshit, just abusive in so many ways. At some point after the Easter sermon in Nashville, Gwen was hosting a conference call on parenthood with remnant members from all around America. Sonia Smith was one of the members to

call in about her experience following the remnant fellowship's advice on how to discipline her eight-year a year old that little boy We met earlier named Joseph and this is how the conversation went Sonya goes. This is Sonya Smith in Atlanta Sonya Says when I got to speak with Ted anger a high-ranking member of the church and that's in you know Just to clarify who he is and it exactly what Ted told me to do and took everything out of his room We got everything out of there

and locked him in there from Friday until that Monday and only left him in the room with his Bible. And that's a miracle. You got a child that's gone from just bizarre down to T in control. So I praise God. We are spoiling these kids. We are ruining their lives

by letting them think about themselves at all. So thank you Sonia for sharing that. My God, we're ruining their lives by letting them think about themselves at all. So thank you Sonya for sharing that. My god, we're ruining their lives by letting them think about themselves. What is missing in some people? Too many people where they can hear that and not think, yeah, that's fucking awful. Fuck you for even saying that dumb shit. Children are just people. People were still developing brains and physicality. Not little robots. You bought at some store to own forever.

Right? Your job as a parent is, I see it if you have any interest in being a good parent, is not to beat their spirit out of them and break them down, is to, yes, establish some boundaries. Yes, sometimes discipline them, but why? So they can be your proper little obedient minions or slaves? No. So they can someday keep themselves in check, follow the rules of the society they live in and thrive instead of end up dead or in prison because they don't understand how to

be a contributing, functioning member of society. So they can interact in a positive way with others and have healthy, high-functioning relationships, hold down jobs, raise children, also lead positive lives and just be happy people. Other advice. The Gwen preached to her remnant followers about child discipline was to hit them on the inside of their thighs with long glue sticks, wooden spoons, this makes me want to like raise her from the dead and fucking beat her with a glue stick for about a day. With long glue sticks, wooden spoons or belts in order to get them to behave but not break

any bones. Because again, if you have a disobedient child, that means God is punishing you for not being a good enough Christian. And if you're not a good enough Christian, then you're making the remnant. I either want to church, I eat Gwen, look bad. October 8th, 2003, eight-year-old Joseph Smith is beaten to death by his parents,

which was his punishment for interrupting Gwen Shamblin's sermon. The Smiths lived in Georgia, where they tuned in every Sunday to Gwen's sermons via live stream. On that particular Sunday, Joe had been continuously misbehaving, so his parents decided to do what they always did and followed Gwen's ruthless, you will be taken out and you will be very, very sorry advice on discipline.

Despite Sonia and Joe claiming that their son died from a skin condition he had, court documents revealed that's not even close to the truth. This is how that Sunday went down. The record reveals that Joe and Sonia Smith routinely disciplined their son, Joseph, by beating him with glue sticks, belts, and heated coat hangers, locking him in confined spaces for extended periods of time, and tying his hands with rope. During the day on October 8, 2003, Joe disciplined Joseph several times, striking him repeatedly with a foot-long glue stick.

At one point, Joseph began complaining of severe stomach pains and had urine that was brownish in color. Later, while Joe was taking a shower, Sonia Smith beat Joseph with the glue stick, drawing blood through Joseph's clothing. Fuck, you'd have to beat somebody hard with a glustic to do that. Sonia and the Smiths eldest son, Michael Booth, then forced Joseph into a wooden box, beating him about the head as they did so. Sonia and Michael then tied the box shut with a cord when Joe later came out of the shower and removed Joseph from the box. The child was barely breathing. Emergency services personnel were called to the Smiths residence with an unresponsive child complaint and

Joseph was taken to the hospital where he later died. Numerous medical experts examined the extensive bruising throughout Joseph's body into Joseph's head and testified that the cause of Joseph's death was either blunt trauma, excuse me, blunt force trauma, or asphyxiation. Fuck Gwen for preaching what she preached in fuck Sonia and Joe Smith for following her teachings. If this is how God truly wants to run things, I would rather burn in hell and at least die knowing I didn't beat my kid to death. In 2004, the Remnant Fellowship Church's building is completed and soon after that, the same year, it is raided by police as part of the investigation into young Joseph's

death. No evidence was found to prove that the church was directly complicit in Joseph's death, but that didn't mean that the remnant was off the hook. Joseph's death became national news and because Sonia, you know, and Joe were such devout believers, that brought remnant under trial in the court of public opinion. Immediately, Gwen and her church took an aggressive stance, claiming two things. One, Joseph did not die from child abuse, and that Sonia and Joe were innocent, and two, that the church in no way, shape, or form promoted child abuse. During an interview, when that phone conversation I read a portion of between Gwen and Sonia was played for Gwen, she claimed the recording had been altered.

Some prophetess, how weak, and proof that none of this was ever about God or Christianity was all about Gwen. Pretty clear why Remnant went to bat for the smiths, not because they loved them as fellow congregants of their church. It's because if the smiths were guilty, that made the church look guilty and it was the one true church, right? They didn't want it to look bad, right? To be seen in that light.

This is a business decision. One website that the church created that's still up and running today is the smithsareinnocent.com. A more apt name would be Gwen Shamblin is innocent.com. The website reads, when you read this website, you will see that the false accusations against the Smiths were originally initiated by ex-church members.

Well, who, the police? These same individuals are continuing to do the same thing they were doing 16 years ago, with no new information. Despite the allegations they made against Remnant Fellowship and against Gwen Shamblin, Laura, nothing came to fruition. They had convinced investigative reporters to do a publicized investigation but it led to no personal investigation of Gwen Shamblin, Laura.

DCS never came, the FBI never came, no one ever charged Gwen Shamblin, Laura or any church leaders of anything related to child abuse or neglect at any point. In the investigation, all remnant fellowship and way down materials and teachings were fully vetted by the police department. Everything was highly investigated. The police department did it over a one-year thorough examination of every book, pamphlet, and video and audio recording. Yet never found one teaching that could be connected to the death of a child or to child abuse or to the murder of a child. And in the Smith trial, police testified under oath they could not find a link between the boy's death and the church's teachings about punishment. I think this has less to do with Gwen being innocent and a lot more to do with the way that laws are written. Right? Gwen's quote earlier definitely encourages child abuse, the whole, so you won't only live for a few years on earth,

then you will have a horrible afterlife. If you done a bae mommy and daddy the first time you'll be taken out you'll be very very sorry but the way she says this right you know leaves her a lot of legal wiggle room even if she told Congress to hit children directly and she did tell them that as well by the way she could still stay in court yeah but I didn't mean to hit them that hard I meant a lightspanking I meant I meant a light spanking. I meant I meant take him out of the room, you know, whatever, she can wiggle all kinds of shit. Also, for the record, while a lot of people point to the spare the rod, spoil the child

verse from the book of Proverbs as justification for whoopin some Christian kid ass Bible is actually not pro child abuse. At least a lot of it is not Proverbs 1918 discipline your children for in that there is hope. Do not be a willing of it is not. Proverbs 19, 18, discipline your children, for in that there is hope. Do not be a willing party to their death. First Corinthians 13, 4 to 5, love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. Galatians 5, 22 to 23, but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,

goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I can go on. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I could go on. People who abuse their kids never do so on behalf of God's will. God's never abused any children. Only people ever have. Despite the innocent boy's death at the hands of two members, remnant fellowship continued to grow.

Believers were not only tuning in online like the Smiths did, but dozens were relocating their families now to Brentwood in order to be closer to going to the church. As an incentive for people to move there, members already living in Brentwood were opening up their homes to those who were relocating and it was not uncommon for two or even three remnant families to be living under one roof at the time of Joseph's death. This was the beginning of remnant becoming completely self-sufficient, isolated from the outside world. Right? Cult. Cult. Cult.

Not only were members heavily encouraged to live within a ten block radius of the church, they were encouraged to only go to other remnant members for any goods or services they may need. As one anonymous former member put it in the HBO docu-series, For years there has been encouragement to have everything created, everything accessible from within. No longer do many people have to go outside to get dentistry services, to get a pulmonologist, or to get their hair done, get Botox, to get their car fixed. Cult, cult, cult. By this time within the church, Congress already had access to a real

estate company, financial planning services, car service, beauty salon, plumbing, electrical services and more. And of course, it was only at remnant and through Gwen. They could get the most important service of all, the Way Down Workshop. All members of Remnant were and still are to this day aggressively encouraged to be in the Way Down Workshop at all times. And you guessed it, this was and is not free for church members. You still had to, still have to pay for it. Backing up to 2004 again, despite his new tendrils at the heart of Gwen's church, was still weight loss.

And her convictions about it were growing more and more severe. Spirit Watch ministries offer us a glimpse of the extent to which Gwen abused and manipulated her congruence during this period and beyond. In 2004 an essay titled, Our Experience with Remnant, written by ex-leaders of the church, Mark and Laura Nichols, was published on Spirit Watch's website. Their essay just won a many written by ex-remnant members on the site posted alongside many articles written by the site's director, Reverend Rafael Martinez, who, as I mentioned, talks about how Remnit functions as a cult. In our experience with Remnit, Laura describes how after seven years of working for the Weigh Down Workshop and being a devout member of Remnit since its inception, she was forced

to design publicly by Gwen for not losing weight fast enough. According to Laura, out of the blue, Gwen told her, Hi, what's going on? Tons of fun. Just got back from Bank Rept. of the Buffet, or is that just how you look all the time now? I'm just kidding, chubby checkers. I mean, Laura. Wait, are you Laura? Or did you eat Laura and somehow absorb some of her physical appearance? That's not what Gwen said. Actually, I, uh, I adapted that last part from a comment. Someone once left about me, uh, when I made some early stand up appearances on comedy central, I was, I was very thin.

And then years later, someone commented under another video about how I look like I eat my younger self. And I thought that was pretty funny. I was about 70 pounds lighter. 160 compared to, you know, somewhere between 235 and 240. I don't care. Gwenwood though. Here's what Gwen really said to Laura.

Let me tell you, Laura, that I was shocked when I saw you in Houston and that you had not lost any more weight that you have since this past summer. There's no reason why you've not lost your weight. Your weight should be coming off in nearly 10 pounds per week. Laura, I'm scared for you. Now, remember, Laura, I could not be saying this to you if I didn't love you so much. 10 pounds per week. No.

The CDC, Centers for Disease Control recommends losing 1 to 2 pounds per week. That's the healthy rate for weight loss. The Mayo Clinic also recommends not losing more than 2 pounds per week. The U.S.'s National Institutes of health also recommends the same amount as do many, many, many, many other medical governmental, uh, and or health and wellness agencies around the world. I couldn't find anyone other than other crackpots pushing for 10 pounds per week or more in weight loss.

When continued by saying, uh, Mark, which is, uh, Laura's husband, you ought to be getting after her every time she's disobedient. You ought to love her enough and be scared enough to understand that if she dies, she is lost. And you should be doing all you can do not to let this overindulgent with food continue. Mark, I want you to put Laura on the scales every week. Oh my God. And call me with her weight loss. Laura, I want you to get Laura on the scales every week. Oh my God. And call me with her weight loss. Laura, I want you to get up in front of that Houston remnant and confess your sin of greed of food for them and tell them that you're going to step down in leadership and show them who your God really is. Laura, get the weight off.

I also want you to find someone in your WDA group to take over your class and step down as coordinator. Though I should have put a stop to you five years ago and I didn't. You should have never had this weight on your body this long, but I love you. And I want to help you. Please understand, Laura, that I could only say these things to you because I love you. I want the best for you.

God, Gwen loved Laura. This is all about love and not about protecting the brand and making sure that Gwen didn't have any fatties in her inner circle, making her clients. I mean, congregation question her divine weight loss claims. Thankfully soon after this incident, enforced public humiliation, Laura and her husband decided to do some digging on their own, began doing what they were told to avoid at all costs, they began to read about how the outside world viewed and understood remnant. And it quickly became crystal clear they were in a cult and needed to get out.

However, as it always does, getting out would come at a great cost. Not only did they lose all their friends, their jobs, their lives, as they knew them, they were also subjected to further public embarrassment. When Gwen sent out an email to the entire remnant community, calling out the two ex-members by name. In an email dated Wednesday, February 6, 2003, at 3 p.m. with the subject line of God is moving when wrote the following they are precious remnants good afternoon I just wanted to let you all know that I love you all very much I'm very proud of you all your efforts to crown God is a rightful sovereign that he is and to further his kingdom territory.

I have just a quick bit of information for all of you about some recent purging that God has done. Ezekiel 2038 says, I will purge you of those who revolt and rebel against me. This means that only those that want God to rule and love that way will be left on his holy hill. Of course you all know that Satan is very upset about our sincere effort to let God be the only God in our lives and he's constantly trying to confuse the saints but you must be grounded on the Word of God. The Apostle Paul would name names of people that the lambs of God, the saints,

needed to stay away from. See, 2 Timothy 2.17. Just recently, two families have pulled off from the remnant fellowship due to their strong desire to keep their strongholds. They are now trying to call other remnant fellowships online about what we said or did. That is all that they can find on us. Like Paul, I will also mention names.

The families I'm referring to are redacted. And Mark and Laura Nichols. We have loved these two families very much, but they have chosen to leave based on lies. They are actually calling up remnant members and claiming that Remnant is a cult. The one church clearing God's temple of idols and clearing the way so that God rules is the only place that is not a cult. How vague and how unfair and how un-Christian not to take their complaint to the leaders.

Both have refused to talk to the leaders yet we have tried. They all have more of a heart for people that are kissing idols than for poor God, who has had to share glory with deaf and dumb idols. They have no respect for people that are clear in the temple of false gods after seven years of knowing Laura as a coordinator. And then as a remnant member, I loved on her

and urged her strongly to lay down the food idle for I was afraid for her. She had called our office and said that this was too hard and that she had put on weight. I asked her to give up leadership so that she could concentrate on herself. Sometimes with serving others we can deceive ourselves that we are okay with God even if we do not teach ourselves fair enough after no weight loss in seven years the only way loss ever achieved from a stomach bypass before way down my first suggestion after seven years if her teaching my classes was not received you all know that total sovereignty is the

only way to go total obedience to the one true God is the only way to go I urge you all not to take phone calls from these families By the way, this is not surprised some of us for we could sense their side ways The sideways is should not be two words, but she wrote it as such allegiance to each other and people over God We must put him first He is testing all of us do not be discouraged dear friends some people may turn from the truth but you are all firmly grounded in the true Jesus and said no fatties no fat chicks in heaven I'm not my will

but yours be done so keep at it you all are doing so wonderfully I love you beautiful skinny motherfuckers I made may have added that last part. Gwen's church, the only church that is not a cult. Way to flip the narrative. You're not in a cult. You're the only people on earth not in a cult. Kashdain. Gwen's co-leader game, getting strong. A smart move, not to make the dissent about her, right? These two families, they're not criticizing her, they're criticizing God. Tell telling that to people very worried about their salvation. That's a powerful move When makes it real clear that if anyone takes a side of these two defecting families, they're not going against her They're directly going against God which places their immortal souls in grave danger Excuse me. Uh, Laura sort story by no means unique some members who couldn't lose, I do find it ironic. My stomach's

making all crazy noises because I haven't ate much because of that doctorate stuff as I'm talking about all this stuff. Some members who couldn't lose weight were told to quit eating entirely. Or else they'd be kicked out of the church because if they're overweight that means they're not being a good enough Christian and only the best of the best are allowed in the remnant. God wants the earthly army to be a thin, sexy, ripped army. Think Demi Moore and G.I. Jane, Brad Pitt, and a glorious bastard. Satan can have the flab and the beer gut crew.

Think John Candy and Stripes. Vincent did not feel in full metal jacket. June 15, 2006, three years after their son's death, Sonia and Joseph Smith are indicted for one count of malice murder, three counts of felony murder, five counts of first degree cruelty to children, three counts of aggravated assault, and two counts of false imprisonment. I like it! Court going hard on these motherfuckers. Following year on what would have been Joseph's 12th birthday, February 16, 2007, a state

court grand jury found his parents Joseph and Sonia Smith guilty of beating him to death The eight-day long trial known as Smith versus state Included testimony from the three Cobb County firemen who first responded to Smith 9-11 or 9-1-1 call about Joseph Five Cobb County police officers the little boys former babysitter his older brother Michael and several medical experts and poor Michael being Pressured to do this shit too. All although they they were represented by separate councils, the husband and wife were tried together. Their lawyers conducted a joint defense. Joint defense primarily led by Sonia's criminal defense lawyer, Manny Aurora, whose substantial legal fees were paid for by remnant fellowship. According to his website, Aurora specializes in defending those convicted

of homicide, robbery, embezzlement, bank fraud, insurance fraud, bribery, and other white-collar crimes. During her closing argument, prosecutor Eleanor Dixon requested for the lights of the courtroom to be dimmed. She then produced a small birthday cake and began lighting each of the eight candles placed on top. Looking down at the cake, she proceeded to sing Happy Birthday, Dear Joseph, in honor of what would have been his 12th birthday. That is intense. It was very sad, and that is a fucking brilliant prosecutorial move. Woo, man, Hale Eleanor, right? Put these fuckers away.

During the entire prosecution, Sonia and Joseph had remained impassive, stoic, but when Dixon started to sing Happy Birthday to their dead son, the son they beat to death, they began to sob hysterically. Good. According to court documents, after blowing out the candles, the prosecutor spoke directly to the jury and said, there are eight candles on that cake. But you know what's not on there? One more candle for his ninth birthday because he didn't get to see that.

You may think that's harsh, but it's true. And it was at the hands of those people pointing at parents. Several members of Remnant attended the trial, although they made no comments to any of the media outlets and newspapers. March 27, 2007, Sonia Joseph Smith are convicted of felony murder, sentenced to life in prison plus another 30 years. Friend voluntary manslaughter, cruelty to children, aggravated assault, and reckless contact. Joseph currently serving time at the Macon State Prison in Oglethorpe, Georgia. His wife at the Airdale State Prison

for women in Raul, Georgia. And the only way those two fuckfaces will ever get out is a presidential or gubernatorial pardon and that will never happen so they will die in prison. I'll be at virtually and from prison, both to this day, still active members of the remnant fellowship church. Also to this day maintain they are innocent as does their gross ass church.

So much easier psychologically speaking to double down on a terrible lie than to take responsibility for a terrible truth. So where's Tarzan? We haven't connected with his phony grifton ass in a little while. 2010 Laura in his long time on again off off again, romantic interest, Natasha Pavlovich, get back together for the final time. And soon afterwards, on November 19th of that year, they welcome the baby girl, Leona Laura, to the world. After her birth, they decided to move from California to Nashville, Tennessee, where after not having made any headway as a model or actor in over a decade,

Joe can pursue his last ditch effort to become truly famous as a country music star now. Natasha agreed to move to Tennessee on one condition. If by the time their daughter reaches five years old, that Joe hasn't made any progress and become the next Tim McGraw, they'll move to Chicago where Natasha has family and Bo Sheehan Joe could hopefully find city work, you know, guest star and police procedurals, stuff like that. 2011 Joe releases a country album called The Cry of Freedom. It wasn't released on any music labels, did not chart. Here's a bit of the I hear the cry of freedom. Won't let them live. Won't let them die.

I wish that was in the song. I wasn't nearly as bad as I hoped. If I heard him singing that in the corner of a Mexican bar, you know, restaurant, or like a Holiday Inn, you know, hotel bar lounge, I'd be impressed. The Nashville music industry, though, not impressed. Five years came and went, Joe did not make any money in music, probably lost some money recording, didn't want to move, didn't want to get a job either, didn't want Natasha to move to Chicago either. So in 2015, Joe Lara files a false claim to the police that his girlfriend and mother

of his child has sexually abused their daughter. This guy was a real piece of shit. While their daughter watched, police apprehended Natasha and took her in for some questioning after investigating her. Joe, in their five-year-old police realized Joe was full of shit. In the HBO docu-series, Natasha said, since since that day he never looked at me in my eyes again. Joe and Natasha parted ways sharing custody 50-50, not wanting to be far away from her daughter Natasha remained in Nashville and Joe without his ex to support him now. She had some

money, begrudgingly got a job doing occasional work as a handyman. You know, sucked. But three years later he landed a job doing a few repairs at Remnant Fellowship Church, where Tarzan met Gwen Shamblin and soon fell in love. I wonder how that's affecting some of you guys is listening pets. What do the dogs think of Tarzan? Yeah, fell in love or he saw the best opportunity to seduce an older lady into being the greatest meal ticket he'd ever had. 2018, the year 63 year old Gwen Shamblin met 55 year old Tarzan. She divorces her longtime husband, David Shamblin.

They've been married for 40 years and God's prophetess torchbearer for his one true church. Mary's grifting has been in serial user of older women Joe Lara Just four weeks later According to multiple sources for the previous three decades Gwen had been consistently preaching that divorce was never literally never an option Even in cases that the Bible would allow it such as with infidelity However as soon as she got a little taste of that Tarzan dick... It goes on longer than I expect every time. She was now preaching an entirely new tune. Pretty funny how that works. For many years now, really since 2003, David Shamblin had been only a background character in the remnant. And why was he a background character? Well,

he was fat. Seriously. He was quite overweight, looking at pictures I would guess anywhere from 60, 70 to 100 pounds. So his wife, Gwen, hid him, would not allow him on stage. He embarrassed her. So fucked up. Also, so funny that the skinny guru, God's prophetess, who built an empire on being thin means being righteous, was married to a man who seemed to love cake more than Jesus. The same went for Gwen's son Michael. According to multiple sources, Gwen's eldest fluctuated in his weight quite a bit. I mean, they probably had some genetic shit going on. When he was skinny, he was placed front and center at church functions, led the choir, directed musicals. When he was overweight, he had just never saw him. She was evil. She was an evil, terrible human being. So many people say,

you're not supposed to wish death on anyone or be happy that someone has died. I don't give a flying fuck pun intended that she died in a plane crash. I think it's great. Unlike her ex-husband of 40 years, her new beau, Joe Laura, prepped in prime for her spotlight. In fact, the spotlight was all he'd ever wanted. He was by Gwen Sanders, fit, good-looking. I mean, he was still very fit and good-looking. And to top it all off, every bit as fake as she was. More than willing to play the role of a God-fearing, righteous man to give him a little bit of fame, wealth, and, you know, so he never had to work a real job again.

He was the prop that Gwen needed, and she was his ticket to stardom. Maybe best of all for Joe, Renner Fellowship had a recording studio on site. In August of 2018, Gwen Shamblin and Joe Laura joined together in holy or unholy matrimony, perhaps. You can watch highlights because they're on YouTube. Gwen still has a channel. The wedding venue was Remnant Fellowship Church and the dress code was black tie. And unless you were Gwen, your clothes had to be all black prior to Gwen's magical

ascension down the aisle in front of 1500 guests, plus those watching at home via livestream, a procession of probably 30-50 little girls wearing old-world frilly white dresses and holding candles lit the way for her. Then as if the heavens themselves split open to give forth an angel into this decaying earth, the chapel doors swing open revealing Gwen's silhouette, outlined by the light poured in from the outside very very dramatic This angel on earth is wearing a strapless white lace corset Sinked as tight as God will allow a massive tall skirt that looks less like a wedding dress and more like something a Mexican teenage girl would wear to her quinceanera

interestingly as you can tell by watching the documentary or just by looking at a few photos of her from the last 30 years, as Remnit grew larger and larger, Gwen ditched her modest clothing and started dressing less and less like a preacher's wife and more like either a five-year-old in a baby doll's son dress or a 21-year-old in a metallic body con dress with spaghetti straps. Very little in between. And as many former members pointed out after her death, no one was allowed to criticize Gwen on how provocatively she'd begun to dress. Because if you criticize Gwen, that meant you were criticizing God, because she was,

of course, God's chosen prophetess. Anyway, back to the knockoff royal wedding. Gwen's hair was fucking gigantic, as it always was in the last 10 or even 20 years of her life. Just as big, I never understand these haircuts. Just as big, uh, televangelist Beehive meets 80s glam rock nest of hairspray locks and extensions easily two to three times the size of her actual head.

And she's covered in body glitter. The couple say their vowels in front of a massive jumpotron, or at least Joe does, Gwen either remains silent or her vowels were edited out of the highlight reel, so the guests all the way in the back could see just how perfect and holy Gwen and Joe were together. Joe, who had never been religious prior to meeting Gwen, tells her the following in their vows. And before this unbelievable family of saints, to become your husband. I have found my calling in life.

And it is to be by your side. Yes. And I will never forsake it. Yes I vow to only look forward with you into this incredible journey that the Lord has in store for us And if the dark forces should ever manifest themselves against us I vow to never stand behind you Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, cuz I'll be in front of you. Oh Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I'll be in front of you. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. From what I can tell, Joe was never religious man ever

prior to meeting Gwen. That's all in act. Following their holy matrimony, Gwen and Joe began taking, excuse me, more and more romantic trips together. So Tarzan could fucking knock his new wife's back out. They were spending less and less time at the church. That's such a crazy yell. They also decided to start a YouTube channel called Life with Gwen and Joe. The preacher and the pilot. And it's terrible. Not even so bad it's funny.

It's just bad. It's just unwatchable. Also, did I mention that Joe was a pilot? I think I did. And he was worse at flying than he was at acting, modeling, or music. Before moving on, how about a clip from their final video, published November 20, 2020, titled Honoring the Christian Martyrs. Just hold hands. Life with God is so good. Yes.

So come join us on this fun life where we put God in the center. Of everything. Oh yeah. Ha ha. Whee! This weekend we are celebrating all Saints Day and what is so interesting about this is that Halloween actually was all Hallows Eve, which is a complete different day than what it is now.

This is another example of how in our culture many Holy days have been turned into holidays and kind of changed the definition and meaning of things and I find it very interesting that they did that. That Satan's done that. It's so sad because it was God's day and it was a day that every year on November 1st, which is October 31st in America. So the Hebrew calendar starts at twilight. Well, bottom line, what happened was that it turned into goblins and graveyards and the grim weaver. They're both wrong.

By the way, Joel looks super uncomfortable in this video. A little nervous. Like, you know, he just keeps looking to Gwen for approval. Like he's worried about fucking this up because he probably doesn't know scripture very well at all. Yeah. And they are wrong. Halloween comes from Sawan, mainly a Celtic festival marked in the end of summer, the harvest season, and the Celtic New Year. And it predates the Christian Holocene stay by well over a thousand years.

Peter Tarkovsky, an assistant professor in the Department of Folklore and Mythology in UCLA, states, the earliest trace of Halloween is the Celtic Festival, Sawin, which was the Celtic New Year. It was the day of the dead, and they believed the souls of the deceased would be available. Yeah, oftentimes with, you know, our religion there, it's not, you know, these newer, comparatively religions being taken over by pagan beliefs. It's the exact opposite. Pagan beliefs were their first, and then were taken over by pagan beliefs, it's the exact opposite. Pagan beliefs were their first and then were taken over by, you know, like Christian beliefs, for example. But who gives a fuck about real history? Ha ha! Who cares about the truth? When we can just make up what feels best, you know, and upholds our worldview the most and just call it a day. Numerous X members have

questioned the legitimacy of Joe becoming one of the highest ranking members in the church immediately after marrying Gwen. Ben Bean, who was a member from 2002-2019, said in the documentary, To me, Joe Lara is a botan paid for by Gwen Shamblin Escort. Yeah, that sounds accurate. August of 2020, Joe Lara and Gwen Shamblin go up against Joe's baby mama, Natasha Pavlovich, in an 8 and a half day hearing in an attempt for the charlatan weasels to get full custody of Joe's daughter Although she had already paid over two hundred thousand dollars in legal fees. Yeah Natasha had gotten nowhere with lawyers and decided to defend herself during the hearing

Joe and Gwen's legal fees were of course paid for by remnant and they were represented by attorney Jason Wotley who oftentimes represented remnant men in custody hearings when their wives wanted to leave the church prior to start of the hearing Joe and Gwen had filed for a motion in limini, motion in limini, Latin for at the threshold, which banned Natasha for talking about remnant or introducing evidence about how abusive remnant is during the trial. In the end, the judge decided that the custody agreement would remain the same 50-50. Very interestingly, after the ruling, Natasha would get a phone call from Gwen and Joe's lawyer, Jason Wally, which she did record, and over the phone Jason said to her,

you did a hell of a job in court. I've never seen anybody that wasn't a lawyer do anything close to that. And you know, it's just a shame that you guys, you know, you have a beautiful little girl and I know it's been hell. And I know both of you would probably raise your hand and say, I've done things and said things that I shouldn't have or whatever. But I had a long talk with Joe and he wants to put all this behind him and figure out how to end the fighting. Natasha responded by saying, I think he could start by admitting there was no sexual abuse by me, to which Wattley said, I think he would readily admit that.

Natasha was planning to go back to court and attempt to get full custody of her daughter, Leona, later. She was very worried about the cult brainwashing of her daughter that was going on. Hello, future eating disorders and so much more. But then Gwen and Joe out of the blue, they did go ahead and just give full custody to Natasha. Well, maybe they didn't like, you know, they didn't explicitly give it, but they did something that allowed Natasha to have full custody of all the same. They did a huge favor. Uh, they did the world a huge favor and, uh, they died May 29th, 2021. Gwen Shamblin Laura dies in a plane crash alongside her husband, Joe Lara, her son

in law, Brandon Hannah, and church leaders, Jennifer and David Martin and Jessica and Jonathan Walters. That morning, the seven remnant members boarded Gwen's private plane, assessed in a 501 with Joe as the pilot. They departed from the Smyrna boarded Gwen's private plane to Cessna 501 with Joe as the pilot. They departed from the Smyrna, Tennessee airport and were meant to land in Palm Beach, Florida. Later that day, to attend the We The People Patriots Day MAGA rally. If anyone was qualified to help make America great again, I mean it was definitely, you

know, these two dipshits. Shortly after taking off, the plane crashed into the very shallow, Percy Priest Lake in Tennessee. Everyone on board died immediately upon impact. Curiously, witnesses nearby heard a strange noise right before the plane hit the water. You know what to do. Ah, come on, I know it's stupid, but I was looking forward to doing that the entire episode. Then just as they did with the death of Elizabeth's five month old daughter two decades prior, the church in essence

just pretended like the crash never happened. Baffling to understand how a group could sweep something as monumental as a sudden death of six of their most important figureheads, including their founder and prophetess. A clinical psychologist explains it as best they can in the HBO docu series saying, A lot of what cults often do in situations like this is very Orwellian. It will be almost ignored because it does not fit their narrative that their leader was struck down in an accident that God could have protected her from.

If the righteous are protected by the hand of God, how could Gwen die like that? So they just ignore it. On the day of the crash, Elizabeth Shamblin sent out a message to all remnant members saying that her mother, stepfather, husband, and three others were involved in a small controlled landing. Controlled landing! Ah! Over Percy, Priest Lake.

And that prayers were appreciated. They controlled it. It was a very controlled, it was a fast landing. It was a hard landing. Controlled God must have told them that it was time for him to take them to heaven and wanted them to crash the plane. So that's what they did. She told them not to cry. Everyone would for sure be going to heaven.

Not a single fatty on the flight. Hallelujah! Salvation assured. She didn't, of course, say that. Her mom might have said that if Elizabeth had died, though. That same day, May 29th, 2021, a remnant wedding was still held at Gwen's massive estate, Ashlawn. According to the parents of the bride who were not remnant members, they were in shock

regarding how the other guests and bridal party behaved, knowing that their leader had just died, violently died. Nevertheless, everyone just danced, sang, celebrated, few people probably beat the everloving fuck out of their kids. No one had more than a few bites of cake. I'm guessing No one acknowledged the fact that something monumental had just happened No one acknowledged the fact that Gwen Shamlin had died that morning When it always taught them that the righteous would be rewarded and that sins would be punished and the sinful No one could acknowledge Gwen's death right because again if did, they would have to face another more terrifying question. How could she, uh, or excuse me, what could she

have possibly done to receive such punishment? Not long, not long, oh my God, my tongue. Not long after her mother and her husband's death, Elizabeth Shamblin Hannah puts her Brentwood home up for sale and moves into Ashlawn. She taken over the cult. Time will tell. into Ashlawn. She taken over the cult? Time will tell. Four months after the crash, on September 30th, 2021, HBO releases the first three episodes of its five-part docu-series, titled The Way Down, directed by Marina Zenovich. That same day, the remnant fellowship releases a statement denying the allegations of abuse

made in the HBO docu-series. A portion of the statement reads, On behalf of Remnant Fellowship Church and the teachings of Gwen Lara, we vehemently deny that Gwen has ever taught anything that would support child abuse in any form. Over the last 20 years, countless celebrities and public figures have had to endure allegations of child abuse, eating disorders, sexual abuse, and more. While many of these situations might be accurate, there are definite situations where people are falsely accused. In today's society, everyone should be highly discerning regarding anything they see on any media.

We insist that the allegations made against our church are completely false and defamatory. Our church's services and assemblies are webcasts each weekend, viewed by people all around the world at no cost. Anyone seeking to learn more is always welcome to visit any time online or in person. This is a place full of love and mercy with welcome. Open arms to everyone around the world as long as they have a body fat of no more than 20 percent. I mean, max.

And they're willing to get that percentage down to no more than eight percent in no more than 12 months. While Jesus might love everyone, his dad hates Husky Boys and fat chicks. I added those last few sentences. You knew that. April 28, 2022, HBO releases the last two episodes of the Way Down Documentary series. And on May 19, 2023, at 68 years old, when ex-husband David Shamblin dies of unknown causes.

Crazy that as heavy as he was, he did outlive his skinny, profit as ex-wife. It's almost like nothing she preached was true. March 23, 2023, the National Transportation Safety Board files a report for the 2021 accident over Percy Lake and reveals that the crash was indeed caused by pilot error. I hope at least a few of you have enjoyed that up button as much as I have and that is it for today's timeline. And now before a quick recap, a really really cool new sponsor. Just perfect for this episode. Greatest weight loss program. Did you know that 7% of your weight is blood? And did you know that your body can replenish a pint of blood in just over 24 hours? Which is more than a pound. I want to suck your blood to help you lose weight.

One pint of blood I suck and 1 pound you lose that day! 2 pints of blood I suck, when you return the next day! 3 pints of blood I suck, when you come back a third day! Ah, ah, ah! And if this is not enough, I use my fangs to tear open your stomach and eat your last few meals! And gorge myself on so much delicious fat you lose so much weight while I feast and even more while you heal ah ah ah let me suck you and then let me eat you I'm totally serious I'm not fucking around like I do on Sesame Street this is the real count you're hearing right now no centers real vampire shit no fucking

around try my vampire diet today by dialing 1-800-AH-AH-AH 2-4-6-AH-AH-AH 3-6-7-9-AH-AH-AH just do it call it see what happens everyone has a side hustle even kind of even count one count. Interesting new cult twist today, right? God wants you to be skinny, to stop worshiping food. Just what I think I've heard at all. We find some story like this. I wonder what Gwen would have thought of someone

becoming super, super fit using her twisted logic, like a bodybuilder. Someone has to really focus on what they eat. Make sure they get enough grams of protein every day, you know, spaced out in certain intervals. Make sure they hit certain caloric benchmarks. Someone who needs to rigidly, consistently take a variety of supplements, spend hours in the gym every single week

to build up an unnatural amount of muscle mass while also keeping their body fat very, very low. Doesn't that person focus way more on food? Worship it in a sense. Far more than the person who does not work out and just makes, you know, thoughtless, easy, low lift, you know, kind of lazy food choices. I mean, someone grabbing a lot of fast food, high sugar snacks, might not actually think that much about food at all. Just grabbing what's cheap, readily available, tastes good, you know, easy. They don't devote nearly the focus to their diet, as a bodybuilder does.

Or someone like a CrossFit athlete, you know, what about worshiping the gym? Guessing a Christian bodybuilder spends a lot more time. If they're any good at bodybuilding, at the gym, than they do at church. Does that mean they worship the gym more than God? Shouldn't God be jealous of how much they love the gym? Extending this further, uh, what about professional athletes? Don't they, using Gwen's logic or lack thereof, love their sport, dedicate more hours of training to their sport than they do towards worshiping the Lord? Should God be jealous of their chosen profession? Speaking of professions, should God be jealous of all professions?

His faithful spend more time focusing on than they do on worship, which is probably most of the faithful a great deal. Doesn't take much effort to expose Gwen's entire theology as being completely nonsensical, fucking ludicrous, just a bunch of bullshit. There's no logic to it. Want to not get caught up in a cult? Just ask yourself, does this belief system actually make any sense? Why would God choose this person to be their prophet? Does it not feel right? It doesn't, because it isn't. Don't focus on who else is in the cult. Don't let a big group of attractive, fit, happy people fool you.

Anybody can drink the Kool-Aid, or more accurately, flavorate. Instead, just, you know, just try your best to get logical. Does what they say make sense? Do their demands, rules, feel fair? Does anyone seem healthy? No, then fuck and run. Run your full-figured, sweet cushion for the pushin' beautiful ass off and fuck those skinny, bobble-headed bitches. Hail Nimrod, fuck Gwen Shambon- Laura. Rest in peace, as much peace as you gave your followers, which was none. Time shock, top five takeaways. Number one, the Way Down Workshop was started in 1984 by a dietitian Gwen Shamblin.

It was based on the concept of intuitive eating and taught followers that they should only eat when they feel hunger paints. If they ate before then, that's overindulgence, that's a sin. Therefore, it is pleasing to God. The phrase Gwen used repeatedly to describe her program was that she was teaching people to stop bound down to the refrigerator and start bound back down to God. Number two in 1999, Gwen Shamblin establishes the remnant fellowship church based on her way down scam, I mean philosophy and belief that Gwen, I mean God — is above all. Initially, Remnant members met in the back of the way down workshop headquarters until 2004 when the construction of their church was completed. Since its earliest days, Remnant has been controversial for the way it is denied the

trinity, which is considered heresy in the Christian doctrine. But it was brought under fire even more in 2003 when two church members beat their eight-year-old child to death using discipline tactics taught to them by Gwen Shamblin and other church leaders. Number three, in 2018, Gwen Shamblin divorced her husband of 40 years, remarried a fellow con artist named Joe Laura Alara that she had only met weeks earlier. Joe was a failed actor and model, current aspiring country music star, yet a history of using older women for money. And it seemed pretty clear to everyone

outside the church that he was now doing the same thing with Gwen. Only this time he started playing the role of devout Christian to pull it all off. Number four on May 29th, 2021, Gwen Shamblin, Joe Lara, five other high ranking members of the remnant fellowship were killed in a plane crash caused by Joe. In classic remnant fashion, the church essentially ignored their deaths after they happened in

order to keep up the facade that they are God's chosen people and that the righteous will be blessed. Number 5, New Info prior to their deaths Gwen and Joe had made a pilot episode for a reality television show, provisionally called Way Down South. The show, should it have come to fruition, was meant to make Gwen and Joe's glorious stars of daytime reality TV. A few clips of the pilot are featured in the HBO docu-series. And one, Gwen says, I help a lot of women in marriages. I'm a real believer in the women having their role and just letting

the men be men. And how fun it is to be, you know, submissive and all that kind of stuff to play the role of the woman is beautiful. Such a shame that the show never aired. And I could have maybe tricked Lindsay into watching it, maybe just maybe. Go ahead and shamblin' Laura, Lord's bony as prophetess, with more hair than even Moses, could have finally convinced her to submit to my rightful authority. But alas, wasn't meant to be and I continued to have a partner who believes in her right to exercise free will. Sigh. Time Suck, Top 5 Takeaways!

Skinny folks go to heaven! Remnant Fellowship cult has been sucked. Thank you to the Bad Magic productions team for help making time suck Start with Queen of bad magic Lindsay Cummins running operations Logan Keith recording this episode designing merch for the store at bad magic productions Com Molo gene box providing initial research Also, thank you to the all-seeing eyes moderating the cult the curious private Facebook page the mod squad making sure discord keeps running smooth and Everyone on the time sucks subreddit and bad magic subreddit and

Now this week's time sucker updates This week's first update comes in from a lovely meat sack. I've met several times now Leslie Hammons regarding last week's episode Leslie writes in with the subject line of, survivor of the Kentucky Vampire Wars, LOL. I mean, this is what she sent. Dear Suckmaster of Knowledge and not blood, defeat your 500-year-old vampire alter ego. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I was to see that you were doing an episode on the Florida Vampire Mers. This whole thing factors into my teen years in a few different ways.

And it was a trip down memory lane both funny and embarrassing. I grew up in a town about an hour away from Murdy, Kentucky. It was just as small but far less to do as it was not a college town. There was nowhere for teens to hang out but the local park and the arcade. Maybe the comic book store during the day. And the comic book store sold Vampire the Masquerade books. And oh boy did my group of friends buy them in 1996. We were all 16 and our friend group was comprised of theater kids and people who

just didn't fit the mainstream clicks. We'd meet up at one particular friend's house to lark this game, think true blood, but rated PG, and cast with awkward teens. This sounds fabulous. I had a daughter of cacophony vampire character because I was heavily into choir and dated a guy that that summer who was a werewolf character created from a white wolf spin-off. It was two weeks just as dramatic as you would expect and ended with him cheating on me with my best friend who played a tour d'or vampire. Stupid teenage shit but still a better love story than Twilight LOL. This is fucking great.

None of us though thought it was anything other than a game despite all the teenage angst and our natural flair for the dramatic being weird-ass theater kids. It was simply a fun way to be different in an ultra-conservative Kentucky town where we were already different. At this time, there was an unofficial Christian group at the school who wore camo and combat boots and had a self-proclaimed leader, Super Cultish, who the group members treated as a messiah, oh my god, and who harassed many of us. Plain VTM was our way of pushing back and it definitely felt taboo and spooky and rebellious.

When the Vampire Murders kicked off, it was a huge story in my hometown paper. It was covered as closely as the OJ trial. My parents discovered around this time that their goth, adjacent daughter who wore black nail polish was super into opera, the crowJ trial. My parents discovered around this time that their goth adjacent daughter who wore black nail polish was super into opera, the crow graphic novel, Phantom of the Opera, and carried around leather bound book of Byron Keats and Shelley poems. I love this.

Actually played this game. And thus commenced the tense kitchen table intervention. Did I understand reality and fantasy? What did my black nail polish mean? Why was I so into old music and books? Why did I like such dark weird stuff? Did I drink blood from my friends? Holy shit.

I was overwhelmed and tearfully exclaimed, I'm just a nerd, okay? Satisfied I wasn't about to spiral into insanity and murder. They let it go, but I was embarrassed enough I didn't play anymore after that. Side note, RIP mom and dad and thanks for caring about me and my well-being enough to be concerned, as things can obviously go off the rails, as evidenced by this episode. I ended up starting college at Murray State two years later, after the Vampire murders in 1998. I had many a milkshake from the Vampire Hotel Hardys, but none contained blood and I saw

no dead people in the windows kind of feel cheated. I knew people who knew the cast of characters in this story, though I can't remember what always said about it, seen it was so long ago. But coming from a small town, the sprawling campus with old buildings and people from all over the country and world, and a very active pagan slash wickened community to dabble in was unlike anything I'd ever experienced and definitely lent itself to imagination runs wild if one were so inclined. If I'd grown up there at the age when I'd read when I played VTM, I can definitely see how it would have been easier to get sucked in, especially if I hadn't had my awesome parents and instead had crazy-ass Sandra for a role model. Anyway, three out of five stars wouldn't change a

thing and thank you again for letting me visit this weird footnote to my upbringing in western Kentucky. Seems like another world and another lifetime away with all these years that have passed in miles between. I turned 44 in March and now live across the country in Washington and know no sparkly vampires here to be found, though I'd much prefer them to running into someone like Rod. I'm grateful I never did. That's his crazy ass brand of vampire larkers or band of lamp vampire

larkers was just a short drive from my own sincerely Leslie Hammons. Oh man, Leslie, first time I get great to hear from you. I love your face. It was great to see you meet you at both summer camps. And also how great you were playing the same game just an hour away and the same age as rot. He also turns 44 in March. You might share birthday.

His is March 28. Very weird to think about for me at least how since you were into this game at the same time and they're the same age, you two could have not only played together, you could have dated. How different. Without have made your life. Or maybe you're not in a word into bad boys. Uh, I'm glad you had fun other than the, uh, cheating boyfriend with the game.

And you know, as did 99.9% of kids who played I'm sure I mean how fun what a great way to spend small town summer and you know some weekends Hope you're well. Thanks for sending in that connection Next up superior spaceless or Todd no last name just the Todd Sent in a message with a tantalizing subject line of the most cringe Cummins law ever. It was as good as I'd hoped. Lindsay and I both laughed so hard when she shared this message with me, and here's what Todd wrote.

Greetings to the Lizard King. Hello, TimeSuck slash Bad Magic Team. Let me get right to the chase. Over the years, I've been very skeptical about many of the Cummins law stories. Many to seem way too ridiculous to have actually happened. Don't get me wrong, the stories are funny, but I've always had my doubts.

Semi-Colon. No fucking longer. What I'm about to tell you is just fucking shameful. At 7.45 this morning, it was a cool overcast beginning to the day. The type of pleasant weather you don't often get in South Florida. I had to go to the grocery store and I got in my vehicle with my windows down, listing to the latest suck on the Florida Vampire Murders. As I get to the stop sign, where you exits the neighborhood, a cute little girl of about

12 is about to cross the intersection. I want to divert here for a second to clarify that when I say cute little girl, I'm saying it the way a dad would say it, not the way a creep would say it. That's a great clarification. I feel that point is important to make based on what happens next. She was on my right and I waved her across as you are talking about Rod's conversations with Janine and the volume is not blaring but it's loud enough for her to hear. As she is halfway across the intersection just clear the driver's side of my car, you break into the voice of the count.

One lip touch. Then the girl turns towards the unmistakable laugh of the count and then you say to titties I want to suck ah ah ah Her eyes went wide her steps became much quicker as she finished crossing never taking her eyes off the weirdo in the car It was way too late to turn down the radio So I just kept eye contact and shrugged red face like oops. What do you do? too late to turn down the radio so I just kept eye contact and shrugged red face like oops what do you do luckily there's no oncoming traffic so I made a quick escape as quick as my 2006 Ford freestyle with muster that's a great view not looking back which would have somehow made it even creepier so you got

me after all you son of a bitch after I swore that most of these Cummins Law stories probably never happened the good news is I don't live in the neighborhood but the bad news is I'm moving there in July. So I'm gonna have to cut my hair, grow a beard just to be able to be seen without fear. I warned you that the story was cringy. I'm cringing right now, writing this email, which I am not sorry at all for the length of. I appreciate the fuck out of you and the Bad Magic team for all your hard work bringing the best damn podcast in the game each and every week. Hail fucking Nimrod forever, superior Spazels or Todd.

Man, Todd, thank you so much for the nice words. And I love how deliciously uncomfortable this all was. And yeah, you can't fix this. I mean, if you saw that kid again and try to talk to her, you look creepier. And it does not matter what you say. There's nothing you can say to make this not creepy. Hopefully you can avoid returning there until you move there.

And I don't know, it's maybe her and her family will move out. Maybe she doesn't live in the neighborhood. Maybe you can trade your car in, in addition to changing your appearance. Thanks for sending in a message that just really beautifully painted such an uncomfortable scene. Love it. Now, Braini Sack, Andrew Kaye, wrote in the subject line of deja vu and sucking in the fourth dimension. We've gotten a lot of emails about the fourth dimension suck, which is great. I'm sure I'll have more updates later. Dan Pontifex Maximus Succolum and all of the olive oil and soy soaked hot hard father daddies in the Bad Magic crew. I've listened to your stand up for many years and been listening to Time Suck

for about four or five years now and finally decided to write in yours fourth dimension suck has finally landed squarely in my academic wheelhouse and personal interest. First, I want to touch on the idea of what deja vu is and the medical slash neuroscience reasoning behind it that I was surprised you didn't find during your research or speak about it. If you did not actually, I didn't find what you're about to share. Many researchers in the fields related to brain function believe this feeling comes from a glitch and our faulty meat sac shit for brains.

That's the exact medical terminology. Look it up. Where the short-term memory placement becomes connected to the long-term memory area in the brain. In effect, it seems like a current event happened much longer ago, because that new quote unquote memory gets placed into the area of our brain

where we recall older memories, just some crossed wires. Now, this is not my area of expertise, but there are several medical journals and blogs that have written about this. Many anecdotal and some confirmed cases happen more frequently in people that have epilepsy or seizures. Neither clairvoyance nor displace time that you spoke about has ever been proven scientifically, but the consistent failure of our meat sac bodies, especially within our complex monkey brains, is ever apparent. Thus, I believe that this is just another error within our meat sacs, meat sac minds, even if it was, even if it is a very interesting one.

But in my area of knowledge is the fourth dimension, since I have degrees in math and physics. I would like to give you a small idea of how one might imagine another spatial dimension on top of our three-dimensional space. First, remember that first dimension and second dimensional land, first, remember the 1D and 2D, oh yeah, land thought experiments that I talked about in the episode. Also, to state an obvious idea, one cannot occupy the same exact space as another at the same exact time. Now, I can easily stack a second dimension on the 1D entity, though, and in effect be able to place another entity in the exact same physical spot at the same time as the 1D entity from that frame of reference just in the next dimension up. Same for 2D land. I can add another dimension and stack more triangles on top of that original triangle

in the same space at the same time just on top in the third dimension. How do we do this for the third dimension? Well, you spoke about color at length in the episode, and I think that would be a fun thought experiment here. Let us suppose we can move in a physical space whose coordinates were based upon the color spectrum. Assume you could will yourself to move on the spectrum to a more blue shifted color or to a more red shifted color and all others in between. Now stack this movement type on top of our 3D world. Say I was standing in the center of a room but shifted to the far blue side of the color dimension. You could also stand in the exact same three-dimensional location. As me, at the same time, but you would need to be shifted into another more blue side of the color dimension. You could also stand in the exact same three-dimensional location.

As me, at the same time, but you would need to be shifted into another more red part of the color spectrum. Just like the 1D and 2D ideas, even more people can be in the exact same 3D location at the same time, so long as they were in a distinctly separate area of the color dimension we added.

Locality is a very strong tool in dimensional analysis and the mathematical field of topology that deals with multiple higher dimensions. Now if there's a higher spatial dimension stacked on top of ours, we are unable to perceive it and how it operates, but this is basically what would be possible while still conforming to the other known physics of our universe. This is all very interesting, confusing, fun, and challenging, but I hope this illuminated some part of it.

I like to call this stuff Mind Candy. Super sweet to think about, but not always a lot of substance. Much like conspiracy theories and other cult and religious bullshit you talk about. Thank you, Dan and the crew, for all the great Mind Candy information and opinions you produce, even if I don't always agree with you. You've kept me engaged and entertained at work while driving many hours as well, as kept spirits a little higher while dealing with a real shitty last year. Just gonna keep on sucking. Andrew K. Andrew, sorry for the tough year. Hope it's getting better.

Thank you for the message. I am not even gonna claim to exactly understand a lot of what you just said. I think I get the gist. That episode pushed me to finally watch the movie Interstellar, by the way, and I think I got a lot more out of that fantastic movie than I would have if I wouldn't have learned what I did regarding speculation about the fourth dimension. Your thoughts about this place memories do make sense. Kind of bum me out. Based on the link you included to that Texas A&M medical journal, I don't doubt the memories that memories do get stored in the wrong place. But what if sometimes we do wander into the fourth dimension in our dreams? Come on. I know that the science isn't there, but just let me think as possible, Andrew.

Love the expertise and appreciate the time you took to send it in. Also, if anyone liked the episode on the fourth dimension and has not seen Interstellar, highly recommend. One more from super smartest sack, Brian Williams. Subject line of, I fucking figured it out. Brian has nailed what the fourth dimension is all about. Lindsay also thought this was hilarious. Brian writes, Dear sir, Dr. Reverend Dan Jebediah, Lord Suckington, the second Esquire Junior. The fourth dimension isn't that hard to understand. It may seem super complex, but broken down.

The fourth missing, missing dimension is merely in and out. Now hear me out. Just think for a second. We are all three dimensional beings on a fourth dimensional plane, but can't access it much like the triangle to the cube. But we can move up, down, side to side in our three dimensional existence, but add in and out and you can access the fourth dimension. And that is where babies come from.

See, adding in and out is how we all got here. At one time, I was not here. My parents added some of that fourth dimensional in and out. Now I'm here. I believe doctors are the cubes to our triangles. They're the ones who bring the babies from out of sight and quote, deliver them onto this plane. And, ah, shit, I'm losing it.

These fourth dimensional weed gummies are where enough. And I've lost my train of thought. I become cubed again. Anyways, love everything that is bad magic, and if you could please not shout out Noah Curry, because fuck that dude, he'll get it. Your creepy sucker, Brian Williams. P.S., your dad, indidouted your mother a lot,

and that's where he came from. Thank you, Brian. Appreciate the parental visual. At the end, that's good stuff. What if I really did like it? That'd be a little weird. I think that you really cracked the code here. It all seems so complicated, but you really broke it down and you made it accessible to

a simple mind like myself. Yeah, I understand now. I just need to get high, have sex with Lindsay, and I can in and out both of us into the fourth dimension. Maybe if we fuck enough or fast enough, we can time travel. I hope. I think it's worth a shot. Hail, Lucifina.

Thank you, Brian. And one last thing. Fuck no curry. Thanks, time suckers. I needed that. We all did. Thanks for listening to another Bad Magic Productions podcast. Scared to death and time suck each week.

Short sucks nightmare fuel on the time suck Scared to Death podcast feeds some weeks. On Fridays currently, please don't lose any weight for the Lord this week. Lose it for your health if you need to. Lose it for yourself if you want to. Or I don't know, enjoy a couple slices of meatlovers pizza, big cup of fountain Dr. Pepper, brownie Sunday, and crash out on the fucking couch where Skinny or not, you can always enjoy keeping on sucking I know I know I've already probably kicked this dead horse too many times but I do still want an excuse to hit that Tarzan button some more like what if you heard that coming from a dark alley?

Will you rush in the season needed help or what if you heard that coming from the hotel room next door? You do anything other than laugh? Worst case, what if your house was haunted? And that's the sound the ghost makes up in the attic in the middle of the night. Okay, I think I feel satisfied now. Almost.