Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 393 - Tonight We Dine In Hell! The Spartans

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Today we explore what life was really like for ancient Greece's feared warriors, the Spartans. How close was it to the Hollywood depiction in movies like 300? We go over the history of the militaristic city-state and much more. For the glory of Sparta! Watch the Suck on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Y_AK9uE9TIwMerch and more: www.badmagicproductions.com Timesuck Discord! https://discord.gg/tqzH89vWant to join the Cult of the Curious Private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" to locate whatever happens to be our most current page :)For all merch-related questions/problems: [e-mail] (copy and paste)Please rate and subscribe on Apple Podcasts and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcastWanna become a Space Lizard? Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast.Sign up through Patreon, and for $5 a month, you get access to the entire Secret Suck catalog (295 episodes) PLUS the entire catalog of Timesuck, AD FREE. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. And you get the download link for my secret standup album, Feel the Heat.

Here is courage, mankind's finest possession. Here is the noblest prize that a young man can endeavor to win, and it is a good thing his city and all the people shared with him. When a man plants his feet and stands in the foremost spears relentlessly, all thought of foul flight completely forgotten. Tyreetus, a seventh century BCE Spartan poet. This is where we hold them. This is where we fight.

This is where they die. Gerard Butler, 21st century Australian actor playing Spartan King Leonidas in the box office smash that got many of us thinking about how badass Spartans were. 300. Who were the Spartans really? Were they the death beforebefore-dishonor badasses portrayed in 300? The technical definition would be that Spartans were a group of Greek people from the ancient Greek city-state of Sparta, whose society was highly structured and, yes,

very militaristic. The Spartans are often described as warlike, harsh, and having left no real culture behind outside of a supreme dedication to battle, but that isn't true. Well, that isn't quite true. The Spartans had a culture of dedication to battle for most of their history. At their peak, they were singularly focused, obsessively focused, to a degree that nowadays would be considered psychotic to being the best warriors on earth. But also, there is still a lot we don't know about them. There are scholars today still dedicating their entire lives to trying to understand Sparta over 2,000 years removed from the peak of their existence.

The legend of the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae, the Spartan phalanxes that won great battles, King Leonidas and Aegeus Aelaus and the great lawmaker Lycurgus, real or legend, they were all military and cultural influences that contributed to the legendary reputation of Sparta. Sparta in reality was much more complex and multifaceted than the simple legends still spread today by clickbaity YouTube videos used to inspire men and women to fight for glory. However, again, there also was a shit ton of fighting going on. Sparta was a society ton of fighting going on. Sparta was a society that lasted well over a thousand years.

A society full of strong military advancements so impressive that at one point the rest of Greece thought their army was invincible. At their height, they were absolutely feared. Sparta was a society that valued equality, for those deemed to be Spartans, at least, but it also enforced such rigid standards upon these Spartans that anyone who deviated from the norm was publicly shamed or even banished. Sparta was a society where women had equal rights. Kind of. More rights than many other Greek city-states would afford women at least.

The Spartans were both progressive and conservative at the same time. A society where mothers had more rights than most other Greek mothers, but also these same mothers would truly rather see their sons die in battle than come home having fled from battle. Sparta's strict adherence to tradition is often glorified in modern media, and this depiction is based on a surprising amount of truth, and it was what ultimately led to their downfall. The times they were a changing though and the Spartans didn't do enough to change with them. Traditions can be great, the glue that holds the society together, but there's also a lot of truth in the thought of evolve or die. This week we'll learn who were the Spartans, what were they like compared to the rest of ancient Greece, what was life like as a Spartan and those living inside Spartan territory whom they deemed to be other.

as a Spartan and those living inside Spartan territory, whom they deem to be other. We'll learn about Spartan society, jump into a timeline from the beginning to their downfall, learning about major political and military figures along the way. We'll cover most of their wars, heroes, and battles on this historical badass, god these words are hard to pronounce, Hold My Beer for the glory of Sparta edition of Time Suck. This is Michael McDonald and you're listening to Time Suck. Happy Monday and welcome or welcome back to the Cult of the Curious. I'm Dan Cummins, the Master Sucker, a guy who has never taken over 500 hits of acid at one time. A guy who felt the least manly he has felt in months, if not years, by the end of researching today's episode. But also a guy really happy to have never left a baby to die on a hillside. And you are listening to Time Suck and that hillside reference will make sense later

Hail Nimrod Hail, Lucifina praise be to good boy Bojangles and glory be to triple M Only one very quick thing to say today before we go to Sparta While I haven't felt due to so much complicated history that I've had the mental bandwidth to properly cover the history of Israel and Palestine Like I would like to yet this year. I've honestly been having the most fun I've had in a while this year doing content that is more escapist. I do want to say that what is currently happening in the Gaza Strip is, in a word, man, just evil. Wow. Just in case you somehow haven't heard, maybe are looking for a good cause to support in some way, having more than 1200 of your own citizens killed by terrorists does not in my mind justify killing over 13,000 innocent Palestinian children and putting over a million innocent Palestinians

in mortal danger via starvation in an ongoing famine and food crisis that was not created by a drought or a natural disaster, but largely by, you know, airstrikes. Real real scary shit going down in the Middle East right now. A lot of people hurting who don't have a dog in this fight. A lot of meat sacks, just like you and me, who only want to raise their kids to have better lives than they have, keep a roof over their heads, put food on the table, and now all of that is impossible.

They're living in a hell many, if not most, will probably never fully recover from. What Hamas did to start this current conflict was also evil the kidnappings rapes the murders Barbaric, but goddamn there has got to be a better way to fight Hamas than this Not trying to be political not trying to pick a side. I'm on the side of team meat sack I'm on the side of most citizens of any nation who are not political They're just fucking people trying to enjoy their lives while they have them and not be bombed, not be starved. I just have a heavy heart today thinking about all the pain and suffering that sure seems from across the world to be so unnecessary and I hope this conflict can begin to be fought in a manner

more humane, much more humane than this, as soon as humanly possible. Man. And now let's talk about wars that happened a long time ago. Long, long before any of us were born. Time plus tragedy equals comedy, right? So I think we can feel okay laughing about these tragedies because they did place take place a long time ago. Let's go get Greek. Let us venture into the hearts and minds, very unusual minds of Sparta. Sparta was but one of many, many different city-states in Ancient Greece. Let's check out the unique landscape they evolved out of. By the 8th century BCE, long time ago, the political boundaries of Ancient Greece were

composed of many different independent city-states, and this system would last, more or less, until the Roman Republic crushed Greece in 146 BCE in the Battle of Corinth after beginning to conquer Greece in 168 BCE, and finishing turning the whole Greek peninsula into a Roman province by 27 BCE. Before this, although the amount of city-states that remained truly independent varied, such as when Alexander the Great's father, Philip II of Macedon, consolidated many of the Greek city-states under his throne, and then his son Alexander conquered even more Greek city-states, there were always some independent Greek city-states.

A lot of history sites will say that Alexander and his dad conquered all of Greece. No, they did not. They did not conquer every single city-state. They didn't conquer Sparta, for example. Conquered lands around Sparta, got close, but never took the city itself. The Spartans were past their prime at that point, but still too fucking fierce. In the 4th century BC, Alexander might not have survived taking Sparta. So what was a city-state? City-states are defined as a political system consisting of an independent city having sovereignty over contiguous territory and serving as the center and leader of a political, economic, and cultural life. The term actually originated in England in the late 1800s,

but has been applied to the political structure of ancient Greece, Phoenicia, and Italy and actually the the early part of Rome. City-states were the dominant settlement structures of ancient Greece. Each city-state ruled over for the most part not just their city but over a distinct region around their city and sometimes over other cities and regions that they colonized. And each had its own culture. In the Greek language they were called polis. Except for Sparta, each polis had an outer wall for protection from rival city-states. Sparta's more than considerable warriors were their wall. Seriously, that is pretty bad ass. That was a huge fucking antiquity flex.

Wall and not be able to watch the death march of anyone foolish and suicidal enough to try and fuck with us. Real men do not need walls. Real men are walls. That was very Spartan. City states typically had a public space with temples and government buildings, often built

upon an acropolis, a hill, to signify their importance. A good example of this is the Parthenon, a temple built upon a hill rising above Athens to honor the goddess Athena. The majority of the city-states population would live within the city walls, especially the most esteemed citizens. The city center would be the hub of all trade, commerce, culture, and politics. And at one point, and I did not know this, I checked it multiple times, like, are you sure? Yeah, at one point there were over a thousand different city-states in ancient Greece.

No idea there were that many. Many of them, not surprisingly, you know, quite small, not very powerful. The major city-state players in most of ancient Greece's wars and politics were Athens, Sparta, those generally were the big two, but Corinth, also very big in moments, Thebes as well, Syracuse, Agena, Rhodes, Argos, Eretria, and Aeolus. Each city-state ruled itself function like an independent country, and many of them are very different from the rest in regards to their lifestyle and government. Sparta was ruled for most of its history by two kings and a council of 28 elders called the Gerousia. The Spartan government's primary focus was, as you could probably guess, killing

and or instilling fear in motherfuckers aka its military. In comparison the Athenian Sparta's primary rivals valued education and art and were governed by democracy. And while Athens did have a powerful army though often not as powerful as Sparta's they had a military advantage over Sparta when it came to their Navy. Which makes sense, Athens lies along the coast of the Aegean Sea, whereas Sparta lies inland in the Everotes Valley surrounded largely by mountains. The reason city-states came about instead of a large centralized government was mostly

because of Greece's Mediterranean geography. Greece is full of very rocky mountainous terrain, many, many islands, roughly 6,000 islands of which hundreds are suitable for habitation, and other physical barriers. These barriers resulted in most of Greek's higher population centers being very isolated from each other back when it was a whole hell of a lot harder than it is now to travel quickly and communicate over vast distances. Also, kings be wanting to be kings, and not be bending those king knees to other kings, kings be wanting to be kings and not be bending those king knees to other kings.

Kings be kingin'! But for real, the various city-state rulers had zero interest in being ruled by anyone else. And for centuries, it was just too big of a task to amass an army strong enough to both conquer other city-states and also, and this will be the real hard part, maintain control over all of them after you've bested them in battle. Interestingly, prior to the city-state era, most Greek historians agree that earlier tribal systems that existed and did work together in some capacity, or

they existed and did work together, but then they broke up during a period of great economic decline and established their independent territories between a thousand and eight hundred BCE in Peninsula Greece, the Aegean Islands, and Western Asia Minor. Then over time, many of these tribes grew greatly in size, commerce, culture, and military strength. And some of the stronger tribes sent out bands of warriors into other territories, many of whom broke away from their original rulers and created new, similar city-states on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea, the Black Sea between 750 and 550 BC. From this over a thousand city-states, big many very small, would eventually spring up across

Greece. The governments of these city-states range from true monarchies to true democracies with different laws and constitutions in each. All of this variety, the massive wondrous beautiful exchange of ideas between many of these city-states allowed for a special kind of intellectual growth that led to the birth of our Western civilization. Hail Nimrod and thanks ancient crazy Greek people with your super fucking weird gods and insane customs that we'll get into later as we explore Sparta. If you're not prepared for a fair amount of sodomy talk today,

this might not be the right history lesson for you. Might not want to play this for the classroom until you really give it a thorough listen. However, while the exchange of so many different ideas was awesome for rapid cultural development, all of these city-states being independent and fighting one another a lot, would in time pave the way for Greece to be conquered. Because the city-states could never properly form a permanent union, most were eventually overtaken by the Macedonians, the Persians would do a lot of damage as well, and the Romans would eventually come over and gobble up everything.

Rome itself actually began as a city-state, but many of its leaders aggressively pursued expansion, and their neighbors were eventually willing to centralize under an emperor, which led to the end of city-states and the beginning of what would become the Roman Empire. The primary debate within the city-states of ancient Greece revolved around government. Who should do what? Should authority primarily be placed in written laws,

a constitution, officials, or individual citizens? Each city-state thought that their way was best. That's the way we meet sacks operate. My way is the best way. And occasionally the government would change drastically within just a few years. Throughout the city-states there were all kinds of different systems of government. From what archaeological records exist we know that the four most common were democracy, rule by the people, but by the people they meant dudes. Monarchy, rule by an individual who had inherited his role, generally dude. Oligarchy, rule by a select group of dudes. And tyranny, rule by a dude who had

seized power by unconstitutional means. A lot of tyrants in ancient Greece. I didn't realize that from previous studies. Not all of them bad rulers, actually. Just dudes who didn't want to wait to be voted into power or dudes who had to take over to get the throne since they didn't have royal blood. Athens is the most well-documented Greek city-state in terms of government and culture and is often used as a case study for ancient Greece in general. Athens had a democracy like I said earlier and while the concept and name of democracy and having a constitution as a form of government is said in a lot of sources to have

originated in ancient Athens around 508 BCE, democracy as a form of government did exist before Athens in numerous lesser-known city-states. Greek history is complex. It's hard to simplify. It's just easier to say, yeah, Athens is the birthplace of democracy, rather than saying, kind of. It's on a continuum, it's on a spectrum. And then proceed to talk about how recent discoveries have led scholars to believe that many other more primitive democracies may have existed in Phoenician city states, Mesopotamia and elsewhere, you know Few other notable democracies were those in Argos Syracuse Rhodes

Erethrai and these democracies like in Athens any male citizen age 18 or older could speak and vote in an assembly Most people voted by simply raising their hands Most democracies the wealthy, dominated the political scene. They held private meetings to influence others. Fucking lobbyists buy votes, corruption, intimidate people into voting for their causes. Few democracies had money or property requirements to become a full citizen. Political corruption truly has been around as long as political systems have been around. Money has always talked and I imagine it always will. In some city-states during times of emergency, a council would be elected to act as a governing body

and make decisions for the entire polis that a limited term of office and their decrees could be challenged in court. Sparta had their Gerosia, council of 28 elders I mentioned earlier, which were all men over 60, and their two kings had designated powers. Monarchies were rare in ancient Greece, Macedonia and Epirus. Rulers shared power with an assembly. Sparta's kings were monarchs, but not absolute monarchs. The dual kings of Sparta had two main roles, military leader and priest. They led the army in battle, which included planning and strategy, also served by leading various religious rights.

Sparta also had ephors. Five ephors were selected by the Gerosia and kept the kings in check during times of peace. They would serve one-year terms, they had an extensive range of judicial, religious, legislative, and military powers and could shape Sparta's home in foreign affairs. The kings were given more authority during times of war. The kings were members of the Garosia themselves, but admitted at a younger age, breaking away from the tradition of having to be over 60 because it was a birthright. They had to be born into a noble line to be selected for kingship. The title was hereditary. Once king, you would rule for life. Unless of course you were exiled. Spartan kings were unique for the fact that they could go to trial and they could be exiled and some were exiled.

The Gerosi advised the kings voted on political and legal issues in Sparta. Other city-states were ruled by tyrants as I mentioned and despite the negative connotations again tyrants not always evil. Something very funny to me about being a fun tyrant. Ask George! He's our tyrant. Don't be scared though. No, he's one of the good tyrants. I mean sure he could have you executed at any moment for literally any reason but also he does like to be tickled. You can go grab him, throw him on the ground, and tickle him till he can't breathe right now. He probably won't even kill you. Tyrants again, simply people who just wanted to take power for themselves and did that. Some of the most notable tyrannies were in Syracuse, Athens at various points, Phaedon,

Thessaly, Corinth, and Samos. One interesting fact about Sparta, they never fell under the rule of a tyrant. Oligarchies were almost as common as democracies in ancient Greece. In many examples, the city-states wealthiest citizens seized power for themselves and made government and military decisions. Sounds right. I'm sure some of our wealthier citizens would love to take over our nation right now and just run shit how they see fit. Actually, I'm sure a lot of us, wealthy or not, would want to do that.

Oligarchies could be large or small and varied in the amount of power they had. Athens, Thebes, other city-states had various oligarchies throughout their histories. Oligarchies most commonly occurred when democracies failed. Overall, there is less information about oligarchies in ancient Greece than other forms of government. No matter the type of government, being involved in politics was a very important cultural value in ancient Greece. It was seen as a way to express involvement and interest in your community. Also as a way to keep abuse of power in check.

But despite these noble ideals of equality and democracy, the wealthiest citizens were involved in government the most and had the most power. Some things truly never change. They had the money in the time, since they already had the money, to be able to participate heavily in politics. Athens and Sparta are often compared as two contrasting city-states that showed the vast differences in cultures of the time. Athens was mostly democratic. The ecclesia, the assembly, met once a month. Women, slaves, and foreigners could not attend the assembly. Sparta had two kings, as I mentioned, from different noble lineages.

Their version of the Ecclesia was their council of elders, that garrosia. Instead of allowing citizens to have input on issues, only issues submitted by the elders or the ephors could be discussed in Spartan meetings. I like it. I think that's good. I wish we had something similar for YouTube comments. City council meetings, parent-teacher conferences, just a whole bunch more. Hey, how come my comments won't show up online? Simple. No one fucking cares you think. Hey, how come my daughter didn't get special recognition at the basketball awards banquet? She worked really... Ma'am, ma'am, did you submit your input to the F-Force or the Garcia? You did. And did they approve it? Uh, they did not. Right. We're going to need you shut the fuck up. And then if she starts to go full Karen and just

talk about how, oh, this is madness. Some Spartan warrior just fucking comes out of nowhere. Madness! This is Sparta! And he just kicks her down a fucking well that no one even noticed was there before Side note how fun would it be to kick somebody you really don't like down a well? Like a deep well like a solid kick like you have great flexibility your hamstrings. You got no lower back problems You got decent quad power and you just suck your knee up your chest and just BAM Just launch him and like they don't really defend themselves that well in this fantasy There's arms kind of flutter. They like lift off the ground like in a cartoon. Oh and then just fall down a deep well and

It has to be one that you don't even need to use as a well So you don't have to you have to be worried about like water content, you know, content. Oh my god contamination It's a fucking pit really more than well you just get the kid get to kick them in a pit, they just go down there, and then you just go about your life. There's no messy cleanup, no law enforcement, asking questions, like they're just gone. They just vanished into the pit of darkness. As a fantasy in my mind, god that feels very satisfying. Okay, back to what it was like to live in Sparta compared to life elsewhere in Greece. There were a lot of cultural differences from one city-state to the next about what was important in a citizen. To really be considered a Spartan, for

example, you had to be strong, courageous, highly disciplined. Boys would leave home at the age of seven to dedicate their lives to Sparta. By the age of 20, they were nameless, faceless, absolutely willing to die for the glory of Sparta. A member of the Phalanx feared throughout Greece as a Spartan warrior. To be an Athenian, men received a well-rounded education. Boys were educated on rhetoric, public speaking, critical thinking. So soft.

No, they studied the works of Hesiod and Homer. They received physical training and music training. Unlike Sparta, their men started training, you know, at the age of 18 to be part of the army or navy, as opposed to starting training at seven. That's so insane. Athens emphasized individual, whereas Sparta emphasized community. The needs of Sparta were far above The needs of Sparta were far above the needs of yourself or your family. Better yet, your needs just are the needs of Sparta. You've just aligned your needs with Sparta's needs. Women treated very differently in Athens and Sparta. Spartan girls and women received

education, but were also thrown down a flight of stairs literally every day between breakfast and lunch. Stairs had to be at least a dozen steps. Why? There is a reason. To be sure they were still tough enough to be worth keeping around, to be tough enough to be a Spartan. If you broke a hip, you're weak, you're killed. If you kept crying about how much it hurt to have been thrown down the stairs again, you're killed. If you didn't make it back up the stairs in time to get lunch on the table, you're killed. That's not true. I know Spartans were rugged, but not that rugged. Feels Spartan-like though. Spartan girls and women received education allowed to compete in athletic events, which was unusual in ancient Greece. Women in Sparta

could own land, something forbidden in other city-states, but they could not vote or be full citizens like men. In Athens, girls were taught domestic skills. They were also barred from citizenship, property ownership, and even basic exercise. The exercise part is super extra weird. With geography, diversity, political climate of ancient Greece established, now let's take a look specifically at life in Sparta. What was the life journey of a typical Spartan from birth until death? What was life like for those who weren't truly considered Spartan? Women, skilled laborers, slaves? Sparta was located in the southeastern Peloponnese region of ancient Greece. The Peloponnese is a large Greek peninsula full of mountains

and gorges. Many ancient Greeks thought of it as an island because of how you know the only the narrow isthmus of Corinth connects it with the rest of the Greek mainland. The city-state grew to be about the same size as Athens and Thebes by conquering their neighboring region of Messenia. They absorbed the population but did not integrate the Messenians into their society. Not at all. Oh boy. They were in a word when it came to how they treated the Messinians naughty So so naughty like the naughtiest bad boys that ever were naughty bad boys more on that later While Sparta was a city-state. They also controlled a large territory around their city for centuries a territory that did include other cities

Spartans were as I mentioned've mentioned, a warrior society. Spartan culture focused on loyalty to the state and military service. The Sparta we think of today was the Sparta at the height of its powers after defeating Athens in the Peloponnesian War in 404 BCE. Sparta was a stratified society with three groups of people, the Spartans,

full citizens, males, the Pariaceae, who were skilled craftsmen, and the Helots, who were the slave class. Those Sparta conquered, those you know who Sparta conquered, had no rights or citizenship. The Helots, the slave class from Messenia, were considered lower than other conquered people, interestingly. They really didn't like the Messenians. Helots ran the agricultural industry in Sparta and did other daily tasks. Because all the Spartan men under the age of 60 were soldiers, the Helots worked as farmers, excuse me, servants, nurses, and military attendants. And again, the Spartans, man, they hated the

Messinian Helots for the most part and vice versa. Sometimes they would work together. Later on, sometimes they would get married, which I find strange because man they were not treated well. Tensions with the Messenians, as you'll see, is the main reason Sparta evolved to become so focused on being unstoppable warriors. The Messenians kept society functioning while Spartans focused on athletics, military training, and politics. The Helots were what made Spartans a unique society because they performed all the hard menial labor in place of common people. Normally in most city-states only wealthy Greeks could hire servants, but not in Sparta. Every

full citizen and their family had at least one assigned helot to run their household. The helots were extremely oppressed by the Spartans. Spartan leaders did this to prevent uprisings because they were far outnumbered by the Spartans. Spartan leaders did this to prevent uprisings because they were far outnumbered by the helots. Spartans could murder helots for literally any reason at all. Oftentimes they were just murdered for being too smart, too athletic, showing any sign of defiance. Spartans were strong and deadly warriors but they lived in constant fear of a helot rebellion and the helots also lived in constant fear because they were continually abused and often killed by the Spartans. Fucking crazy relationship between these two classes of people. The periaceae were another interesting class of people in Sparta. Their name translates to

dwellers around. The periaceae were free men and women who lived in surrounding Laconia, rather than concentrated in the polis of Sparta. They also had Messenian helots and while they would not be Sparta's elite hoplite fighters, they did assist Sparta in battles when called upon. The land of Likonia lies in the southern end of the Peloponnese Peninsula, south of where the Messenians would dwell. Today both Messenia and Laconia are administrative regions of modern Greece. The Pariassi were skilled craftsmen and traders, not full citizens, were treated much much better than the Helots. They were respected by the Spartans because they often built their weapons. And

speaking of weapons, the Spartans would use three primary weapons. Same as many of the other city-state warriors. Their main weapon was a dory, aka a dory spear. They used this when fighting as part of a phalanx. From six to nine feet long, depending on what era it was being used in, it would have a handle with a diameter of roughly two inches, made of hardwood, often ash. The flat leaf-shaped spearhead was composed of iron, as was the iron butt spike on the back end of the Dory spear that served mainly as a counterbalance, but also you could bash the shit out of somebody's head in with that. They also would sometimes throw a javelin as a long-range weapon. It's estimated they could throw it about 150 feet. They did not use the bow and arrow. They used a javelin instead. They had as a secondary close range weapon, if their phalanx fell apart, a xiphus, a short double edged one handed iron sword.

18 to 24 inches long in the Spartans case. It was a little shorter for the Spartans than for many of the other city state infantry men. Even Sparta's kings used these weapons as they would fight alongside their men. Sparta's kings were of course at the top of the social hierarchy. Sparta had as I said earlier two kings for military purposes. Everything was about war with these dudes. Everything focused on being militaristic. And for most of their history, each king came from one of two bloodlines.

The Europonid line and the Ajiad line. Two royal families each producing male heirs for dual thrones. When one king would go out on a military campaign the other king typically would stay behind to be able to rule the city so they could have some continuity with leadership if one was killed. Pretty smart. The Spartan government, essentially the Gerosia, sponsored boys education, training and socialization. Turning Spartan boys into Spartan warriors

was one of the primary functions, if not the primary function of Spartan government. This shit is nuts. Right after today's first of two mid-show sponsor breaks, I'll tell you exactly how nuts it is. Thanks for sticking around. If you don't want to hear ads, get the entire catalog ad free and more by signing up to be a Spacestat on Patreon for $5 a month. And now, oh boy, get ready to hear how Spartans turn boys into men.

At the age of seven, all Spartan boys, with a possible exception of future kings who could opt out but often did not opt out, went to the Agoji, the infamous Spartan military school slash system of training that turned young boys into the type of Spartans we now think of in movies like Zack Snyder's Frank Miller adaptation 300. Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for. We dine in hell those kind of guys Life the Negoji was harsh real real harsh and highly disciplined Boys were turned into fierce and fearless killers who accepted and endured extreme pain as if there was just no other way to live In Sparta if you were born a healthy boy you were going to become a soldier Unless you were killed at birth or the age of five because you were found a healthy boy, you were going to become a soldier. Unless you were killed at birth, or at the age of five, because you were found physically,

mentally, or emotionally defective. More on that in a little bit. If you were not killed by the state for being less than ideal, you fought. You fought the overwhelming majority of your life. The only option for a Spartan man was to be a soldier. Training began at the age of seven. Required military service would end at the age of seven. Required military service would end at the age of sixty. Fifty-three years of brutal training and brutal fighting.

It's fucking nuts. The government invested a lot of time and money into turning their boys into the best soldiers possible. Boys lived communally to prepare them for army life. They trained for years to become hoplites, armed foot soldiers. At the Ogoji, boys participated in violent physical competitions. They were starved, trained to become survivalists. Boys were instructed in reading, writing, rhetoric, poetry, warfare, stealth, hunting, and athletics. But mostly just the warfare, hunting, and athletics.

They were also organized into companies that lived together. The first-century CE, Greek priest and historian Plutarch wrote about all this. The boy who excelled in judgment and was most courageous in fighting was made captain of the company. The rest all kept their eyes on him obeying his orders and submitting to his punishments. So their boyish training was a practice of obedience. The academic education the boys received was elementary. The primary focus again, athletics, survivalism, murderism mostly. I know that murderism is not a word but you get it. They were trained to be above all ruthless and formidable killers. Boys would go barefoot, would rarely bathe, were not even allowed to use lotion. Their skin needed to be

able to withstand the elements without assistance They would receive one cloak per year No other clothing to make them more resistant to both heat and cold and it does get cold in Sparta The average low temperature for January and February is 38 degrees Fahrenheit Not typical barefoot weather, but these kids were left barefoot even in the snow They had to build their own beds from reeds pulled from riverbanks. As they grew, their exercise requirements would increase. They would have to present themselves to their teachers

for routine physique inspections, make sure they were getting strong enough, enough muscle getting tougher, as fit as they could possibly be. And if they didn't pass, they were flogged. Even as an adult, you could and would be punished in Sparta for being out of shape, putting on too many extra pounds, could literally get you exiled,

just banished. Gwen Shamblin from a few weeks ago would love this about Sparta. I don't think she would love much else, but she would love how fit Spartans were. At the age of 12, recruits would be stripped naked except for their red cloak and forced to sleep outside for a while while get even tougher No more no more cushy Riverbank Reed you bougie fuckstick They were encouraged to scavenge and steal for food or steal food, but if they got caught they were flogged They were not flogged for stealing. They were flogged for getting caught stealing. They were trained to be stealthy According to Xenophon a fourth and fifth century BCE Athenian military leader, philosopher, and historian, the primary purpose of this

scant diet was to keep the boys exceptionally fit. Like Kyrgyz, legendary ninth century BCE Spartan lawmaker, thought this treatment would actually make boys grow taller. It didn't. They didn't know a whole lot about genetics, nutrition, how it worked back then. Their hunger was good motivation to make them better at stealing and teach them cunningness, you know, good skill on the battlefield. University of Virginia professor J. E. Lenden says about the Egogi, boys were whipped to inculcate respect and obedience. They were ill-clad to make them tough, and they were starved to make them resistant to hunger. Instructors and older men frequently instigated arguments and physical fights among the boys on top of all of this. Boys who were afraid or timid were violently bullied by their peers and instructors.

Girls even got in on the hazing. At religious and state ceremonies, they would sing songs about, you know, the young men in the agoji, usually calling out specific boys by name to shame them for being fucking weak in front of state leaders Bullying was not looked down on uh, you know not looked down at not looked down upon There we go. None of it sounds right now in sparta at all. In fact, it was encouraged Bullying was seen as just another tool to harden boys and turn them into hard fighting men Tough times for lowly melvins back in sparta. Great times for giga-chads. No one loved a giga-chat more than the Spartans. Also at the age of 12, boys were expected

to engage in ritualized pederasty. So, to be homosexually abused by men, even young giga-chads were routinely butt-fucked by their mentors. So maybe not the best times for giga chats back in Sparta actually. How widespread all that was is still debated by historians. Sparta did not have its own historians, which is interesting. There are no real historical accounts regarding ancient Spartans written by Spartans themselves, especially at their peak. Couple poems from the early Spartan days. Yeah, nothing from peak Sparta. Spartan tradition prohibited the creation of records about internal affairs.

The Spartans were taught to read and write for governmental administration and to maintain control over the helots only. In general though, there was a cultural emphasis on oral tradition. They didn't want other city-states learning their secrets. That said, according to what has been written, every Spartan warrior, grown ass man warrior, was expected to receive a young warrior as his lover. Technical term was inspirer. Creepy. I think inspirer might be creepier than lover.

The younger partner was called the hearer. I don't know how much they were, you know, I guess they had to listen a lot, but other things were happening. The relationships were not like likely always sexual. Maybe not even perhaps mostly sexual. Sex wasn't supposed to be the goal of the relationship. At least not the primary goal. The Inspire was a mentor to the hearer. But it's it's thought that a lot of young Spartans in addition to not wearing shoes, sleeping out in the cold, being beaten all the time, sometimes to

death, not given enough food, were also you you know, buttfucked quite a bit. Why is buttfuck such a funny way to refer to anal sex, by the way? Way funnier than sodomy. Less harsh than assfucked. Definitely less harsh than, you know, than like, anially raped, which is what was going on here. But let's not think of it that way. It's too tragic. Tragedy plus time, remember? It's very tragic, but it did happen a long time ago. Obviously disturbing, various forms of pederasty existed all over ancient Greece, very different times. Then god life has changed quite a bit. Man, what a deal these kids were getting. My God. Hey kid, I'm going to train you into becoming a fierce fucking Spartan warrior that will dominate

Greece's battlefields and bring the most glory to Sparta sound good Hell yeah for the for the glory of Sparta. You got it kid now turn around and bend over Oh, you're gonna show me how to defend myself from sneak attacks for the glory of Sparta No, no, I'm gonna I'm gonna fuck your butt for the for the glory of Sparta? No. I'm gonna fuck your butt. For the glory of Sparta, I'm gonna train you to be an amazing warrior, but first, more gonna focus on the buff-ucking for the glory of Sparta. This mentor program built around quite a bit of buff-uckings, in some instances, wasn't always a kid being mentored by an adult.

Sometimes an adult warrior could be mentor-sodomized by someone more powerful than himself. One famous example of this kind of relationship was 5th century BCE Spartan military leader General Lysander and Spartan King Aedes Aelaus, younger son of King Architamus II. Lysander was in his mid-20s when he became Aedes Aelaus' power bottom, I mean protege. mid-20s when he became a Jessalais's power bottom. I mean, protege. Jessalais was considered one of the most eligible hearer candidates. This relationship boosted Lysander's status. Also, maybe made it hard for him to sit down. Sometimes I'm guessing. That's what kind of sweet lubes they're working with back then. Hopefully, at least some olive oil. But I don't know for sure. They didn't

write that down. Now let's take a little sodomy break Talk about how Spartan was unique and that it valued collectivism but encouraged individual greatness through athletics A go-g students competed in various contests of endurance Some of these contests included foot races and wrestling Naked wrestling all the mentoring probably made them real good at you know making sure they ended up on top When it came to naked wrestling one contest involved two teams trying to kick each other off an island by any means possible, including kicking, biting, punching, gouging until there's fucking eyes out if it came to that.

Again, sometimes people would die in the Goji through their training rituals and contests. What a fun contest for the glory of Sparta! And again, all this was done in the name of creating super soldiers, of weeding out the weak. The Spartans valued producing the most fit and athletic warriors possible because they valued military dominance again above all else. Included in that dominance was dominating the slaves that greatly outnumbered the Spartans in their own territory. The ratio varied over the centuries but it's thought that the helots outnumbered Spartans by as much as 20 to 1. The majority of the population of Sparta between 65 and 85 percent typically was enslaved helots. And again, they hated the Spartans, I assume, who continually abused

them. So the asshole Spartans had to work real hard to keep the upper hand on them. These Spartans not nearly as noble as they seem like in 300. That movie hits a little different. It hits a little different when you think about how all those badass warriors had tons of slaves they continually abused sometimes just killed for funsies or whatever and about how a good deal of them you know likely got butt-fucked by their mentors as young boys and then proceeded to butt-fuck their own boy protegees. Sorry I did say we were gonna take a sodomy break. Apologies. An extreme focus on physical fitness existed in Sparta, which was nice when it came to all the...

I said I was done. In addition to soldiers, boys in training and women and girls often went nude to show off their physiques and shame anyone who did not meet the Spartan standard. Body shaming was a big thing in Sparta. If you have trouble with body... If you can't handle body shaming, you'd fucking just die of sadness in probably a day, two days tops if you got sent back to Sparta. This physical culture was also viewed as a form of preventative medicine. The Greek correctly believed physical activity could help one recover from illness and weakness and help you not get sick.

Healthier soldiers equal better soldiers, you know, more consistently effective. Healthier soldiers equal better soldiers, you know, more consistently effective. Healthier women believe to produce stronger, healthier babies and probably also have a higher pain tolerance and be able to withstand their own constant but no, still on break. The Athenian military general and historian Thucydides wrote in the 5th century BCE, the Spartans were the first to strip naked and to disrobe openly and anoint themselves in oil after playing sports. He's throwing some shade at Spartans there. Ha! Those fucking Spartans. They're always naked. Spartans, when they did wear clothes, dressed modestly, all of them, they weren't really wealthy Spartans and poor Spartans. It wasn't like a class divide. They all lived fairly

communistic, really. Like Kyrgyz, Sparta's legendary lawgiver added to Sparta's constitution a provision in the 8th century BC banning the circulation and possession of gold, silver, or other precious metals as a means of transacting business, replacing them with an iron currency, variously reported as being in the form of discs or bars. And Plutarch wrote that the new currency was made from iron that had been quenched in a vinegar bath after being raised to red heat, thereby rendering it too brittle for use in making tools or weapons.

And the new iron money, besides being intrinsically useless, bulky and hard to transport. This action was seen by Plutarch as a way of isolating Sparta from outside trade, stimulating the development of its internal arts and crafts so as to prevent foreign influences and the decadence of markets. This encumbering currency also rid Sparta of every crime in which the theft of hard currency was the objective. This would help keep Sparta isolated, which was a good thing when it came to keeping the Spartan way of life going. Towards the end of their culture, when Sparta starts to interact more and more with the

outside world, more and more Spartans realize, hey, wait a minute, you weren't also beaten and starved and fucked when you were taken away from your family at the age of seven? Wait a minute. Maybe our way is not the best way. And again, their currency restrictions was to avoid wealth building also. They did not have like a wealthy class of aristocrats and then the poor class. It was just all same seeds for Spartan citizens pretty much. Back to peak athleticism. The Spartans held a variety of competitions to celebrate physical dominance. One annual and very insane competition we know about was the

Dymastogosis. What began as a religious ritual to test the boys bravery and pain tolerance eventually became some weird kind of blood sport. Some boys would be instructed to steal cheese. Yep, cheese. From the sanctuary of Artemis, or Thea. Artemis, the Greek goddess of the hunt, also the moon, wild nature, and chastity. Boys had to evade armed guards, who typically were just fellow agoji trainees. So while one group of boys was instructed to take as much cheese as possible,

the other group was instructed to not let those fuckers steal any cheese under any circumstances. Cue violent hand-to-hand kid combat and a bunch of cheese for some reason. Cheese parts never really explained. If they were caught stealing boys were flogged in front of the altar at the sanctuary of Artemis or Theia and that practice became so popular these little kids getting fucking whipped That by 300 CE BC excuse me the Spartans made an amphitheater so tourists could travel to watch little boys get beat That's nothing weird about that at all Just head out of the amphitheater watch some little boys get whipped probably enjoy some tasty ass cheese We didn't have to fight anyone for for the glory of Sparta. Oh

Boy tasty ass cheese we didn't have to fight anyone for for the glory of Sparta oh boy uh according to several sources the boys like to be watched getting whipped uh whipping was a test of courage and stoicism boys look forward to the public display of their fortitude thank you sir may i have another is that all you got sir harder sir i've roughly... I've been roughly butt-fucked so many times I've lost most of the feeling in my back, sir! Sodomy break is over, I guess. Other Greeks who learned about these practices were disgusted. Famous Greek philosopher, Aristotle. Lindsay thought it was hilarious that I had to look up pronunciation.

I do. I know how to say Aristotle. But growing up, none of you are going to be surprised. For a long time, I thought it was, now I can't remember how I said it, Aristotel. That's what I thought it was. I thought it was Aristotel. So, I have to check. It's like in the back of my mind, I'm like, I think it's Aristotle.

Anyway, Aristotle said that Spartans turn boys into animals. Not wrong. Other Greek philosophers and historians describe the Spartans as savage beasts, mindless bees in a hive with no individuality whose only function was to sting. Yeah, I think I agree. Spartans sound absolutely barbaric. Teen boys who demonstrated the most leadership skills for Sparta were selected for the Kryptia, a secret police force that terrorized the helots even more than police force that terrorized the helots even more than are already being terrorized.

They'd be encouraged to kill many of them in this regard. Spartans were savages. Plutarch is the main source as far as claims that the Spartans used boy death squads to keep the Messinians in check. He wrote, the magistrates from time to time sent out into the country at large, the most discreet of the young warriors, equipped only with daggers and such supplies as were necessary. In the daytime, they scattered into obscure and out of the way places where they hid themselves and lay quiet. But in the night, they came down into the highways and killed every helot whom they

caught. It's like a horror movie. The hell is like the most fucked up version of Hide and Seek? Life sucked for the Messenian helots. I have to think they often must have fled the lands of Sparta to try and live just anywhere else. Historians debate if this Kryptia was real or not, but even if it wasn't, just the rumor of a young boy or young man in a death squad, some sources say members of these squads were

between 21 and 30 years old, some say younger, Probably enough to further scare the poor helots into submission at the age of 20 Boys would graduate from the ago G and become soldiers Passing the ago G was critical to get into the messes and become full citizens and soldiers The messes were these communal dining halls that were only for Spartan citizens, right? These men. Men were expected to contribute a certain amount of labor to the mess, keep up their physical training. It was very communal.

The Spartan city-state feels a lot like a cult. Real military training began at age 20. The agogee was meant to toughen men up, make them compliant members of society. By graduation, young men could run, fight, carry heavy objects, endure all kinds of weather, they knew how to function as part of a group to be obedient of singular purpose. Now more advanced weapon and battle training began and continued most often until the, you know, soldier died in battle. Soldiers were on active duty again until the age of 60. After graduating the Agoji, the men entered a sesshisha, a military-style mess, one of the messes I mentioned already, where citizens would gather for public meals.

Men had to spend most of their time in the messes when they were not training for battle. Think of big college dorms, where the students never fucking studied, but always fought. Even after graduation, entry was not guaranteed into one of these messes. Agoji graduates had to be voted in by existing members of the mess. If you didn't get in, you were publicly humiliated, excluded, and effectively banished from Sparta. If you did get voted in, you were given land and slaves to support you and your family. You became a homeoy, an equal and elite warrior. One interesting purpose of the messes was to prevent civil conflict by mixing generations and enforcing equality

amongst everyone. Sparta discouraged flaunting wealth even when it came to food. Rations were always bland and quote slightly sufficient according to one ancient author. This was again because Spartans were devoted to fitness and a proper diet. If anyone's overweight, you know, publicly ridiculed risk of banishment. A common dish at these messes, you can find recipes for this online now, was this nasty ass looking soup. Like the nastiest. It was made largely out of pig's blood and vinegar and it was just called black soup. It looks just rancid. The Spartans would drink wine with every meal but not much, big no-no, to get drunk, because

they did view drunkenness as very shameful. If you get drunk, you cannot fight as effectively. Everything's about fighting. Seventh century B.C. poem from the Spartan poet, Alckman, illustrates how Spartans emphasized equality among the classes. And I will give you a tripod bowl. It has not been over a fire yet but soon it will be full of soup. The kind that Alkman who eats everything loves hot after the solstice.

He doesn't eat any confections but seeks common available food just like the people do. Did I mention they didn't have a lot of good poets? Maybe it's better in Greek. I doubt it. New graduates began training to fight in the phalanx formation. The phalanx formation was the military formation of ancient Greece. Consisted of a tightly packed rectangular formation of heavily armed infantry. Hoplites. Think the 300 if you've seen it or any other movies about ancient Greece. Standing shoulder to shoulder, several rows deep, moving in rhythm with one another. Each man's roughly 30 pound large shield made of wood, leather, and bronze, protecting not only him, but the men to his side. Think a living tank. The soldiers would advance slowly towards the opposing army in

a tight formation, fending off missile blows with their shields once close enough to strike their dory, stabbing out from behind the shields and retreating back behind them rhythmically over and over. The Spartan hoplites worked as a close-knit unit, the best in ancient Greece, and they coordinated mass maneuvers perfectly. No soldier was superior to another. Spartans all wore the classic Greek uniform, a bronze helmet, breastplate, ankle guards, in addition to their round bronze shield, spears, swords, and occasionally some javelins. Spartan men kept their hair long, wore bright red cloaks just to fill in the picture. In addition to peak physical fitness and indifference to pain and suffering, superior organization was a hallmark of

Spartan soldiers. The phalanxes spent hours a day perfecting training deals, which gave them an edge over other armies. Hoplites practiced to music in what they called rhythmic drills or war music. This helped them with their coordination as a group. In most ancient Greece, hoplites were not professional soldiers. They were farmers, random citizens who volunteered or were conscripted, conscripted, forced to fight in wars as needed. Sparta's hoplites knew nothing but being soldiers and were therefore highly skilled and trained

specialists. Hoplites almost always fought in the phalanx, seven to eight men deep and up to 50 men across. All soldiers had to trust each other completely because if your neighbor left you behind or ran, you'd be exposed to the enemy and the whole formation would now be endangered. Dropping your shield was considered the ultimate disgrace because half of your shield was meant for your neighbor's protection. Supposedly a common saying for Spartan mothers said to their sons when they would leave for battle was come back with your shield or on it. That was not just a random Hollywood line from 300. Basically only

drop your shield if you are fucking dead. Win or die trying. Don't let all that butt-fucking have been in vain, my sweet, sweet boy. If a woman's child died in battle, it was seen as completing a duty, an honor. Only two types of people could get their name on a tombstone in Sparta. Women who died in childbirth, right, you know, giving a life to Sparta or men who fell in battle, giving their lives to Sparta. When opposing phalanxes met on battle, war became a bloody stabbing and pushing contest.

The rear of the phalanx would push as hard as they could to move the unit forward. The first three rows would do the attacking. Spartan soldiers would often put Gorgons, other scary figures on their shields to intimidate enemies on the front lines. Number one rule being a Spartan soldier, never surrender. Spartans were trained to fight without fear. They had been through so much since the age of seven, just so much punishment, physical abuse that they were just immune to pain basically. Surrender was cowardice. Soldiers who did so, if they showed any cowardice, were shamed, apparently often committed suicide. Herodotus, the fifthth century Greek historian from Halicarnassus, wrote a

warning tale of two soldiers who missed out on the great Spartan battle of Thermopylae. They were disgraced, one hanged himself, the other redeemed himself by fighting to the death in a later battle. If you fought all the way until the age of 60, you're probably a serious badass to live that long because they fought a lot, then you qualified for the Gerocia. And now let's talk about Spartan women a bit again. That Gerocia again is that council of the 28. Women in Sparta lived unique lives, much different than any other part of Greece and the rest of the world. Women had more equality and rights as I mentioned earlier but not equal to men. Women were encouraged to be independent minded and deep thinkers. They were

educated in their homes and apparently were not frequently beaten and butt-fucked which probably allowed greater focus on their studies I would imagine. I just think if you're trying to study for a test getting butt-fucked while you're studying is a is a dead giveaway that you're not going to ace it. I just really missed hitting that button. Girls, unlike boys, grew up with their parents and went through a rigorous educational program from a young age. Something seen as scandalous in many of the other city states was that Spartan women were allowed to participate in athletic competitions, as I mentioned. They did so for personal enjoyment, but also to impress the men and just be physically stronger. Spartan men valued a woman who was strong and athletic. Women competed in javelin throwing, discus throwing, wrestling, gymnastics, singing and dancing competitions as well.

Women learned horse riding, carriage driving, chariot racing. Spartan women even competed in chariot racing in the Olympic Games. In the 5th century BC, Spartan Princess Siniska was the first woman to win a wreath at the Olympics. Be a bunch of dudes! Spartan General Pausanias reported she was exceedingly ambitious to succeed at the Olympic Games and was the first woman to breed horses and the first to win an Olympic victory. Again, the primary purpose of women competing to get strong enough to bear a lot of children, strong children and not die while doing so. Pump out as many badass Spartan sociopathic warriors as possible for the glory of Sparta. Spartan women could also own property, not the norm for women in Greek city-state,

because of the poor lowly helots. They also didn't have to maintain the daily tasks of a household, which meant no cooking, no cleaning, no sewing. Marriage was very important in Spartan culture because the state pressured families to produce as many male children as possible. We got to get those soldiers. They wanted to have a good stock of soldiers because men died often in battle. Men who delayed marriage were publicly shamed while men who fathered many children were rewarded. Men generally did not marry until past the age of 30 before then it was all fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. They couldn't move out of the barracks until the age of 30. If they got married before that, they were not allowed to live with their family until they were 30. Most marriages were arranged by a woman's parents and

women were occasionally, if not often, forced into marriages. While men were encouraged to marry at 30, women were encouraged to marry at 20. Marriage was viewed as a means to conceive a boy that would become a new soldier. As I mentioned, citizens were told to assess the health and fitness of their potential partner before getting married. If a Spartan man could not give a woman a child, excuse me, she was expected to seek out another man to impregnate her.

Sometimes the husbands themselves would seek out another man to impregnate their wife. Woo, man, that would really suck to be like a Spartan with erectile dysfunction. And then, you know, to do your duty, get your wife pregnant, you start thinking about, God, who do I know? Who do I know who could impregnate her? And the one dick you know for sure works in Sparta is your mentors. You know, because of all the all the buffucking you guys did.

And now that buffucker's fucking your wife. Especially tough times for Spartan cucks. Older bachelors abstaining from sex were seen as neglecting their duty and were publicly shamed at gatherings and festivals. Why don't you fucking get out there? What do you mean? Just hanging out at home. Also very tough times for gay Spartans. Almost impossible to avoid getting in some vagina that they found repulsive. Women were allowed to have multiple sexual partners with consent to their husband. This was mainly because of Sparta's low citizen population for most of their history. Women encouraged to do anything it took to kick out healthy Spartan boys. Get to fucking hell is FINA.

An emphasis on healthy son. Why was Sparta's citizen population so low? Well for one, you know, all the male citizens are soldiers, which really ratchets up your mortality rate. Also though, they killed a shitload of their babies. Infanticide was a common occurrence in Sparta and it was organized, ordered, and carried out by the state. All new babies had to be brought before a few members of the garrosia to be examined for physical or mental defects. Those who did not pass the

test were killed. According to ancient historian Plutarch, well-built and sturdy children lived, but the ill-born babies were tossed into a chasm at the foot of Mount Taigatos. He wrote, The father does not have the right to raise the offspring, but he must take it to the place called Lachey, where the elders of the the right to raise the offspring, but he must take it to the place called Lashay, where the elders of the same tribe, sitting as judges, closely examine the child. If he is strong and of sound body, they command that he be raised, and they assign him an allotment of land from the 9000 plots. If he is ill-born and misshapen, they throw him into the pit at the place called Apothetae, below Mount Taigatos as it is

better neither for him nor for the city to remain alive as from the beginning he does not have a good start towards becoming healthy and strong. Good God! Just yeeting babies into a pit! They didn't really get into that in 300. Unless I forgot that part of the movie where they're just fucking tossing babies in a hole. That account is generally considered a myth, but not by much. What is considered the truth is not better at all. Most historians believe that wall babies

were not thrown into a pit, they were left on a hillside where they would die of exposure, be eaten by wild animals, maybe be found and raised by strange. I think it'd be better to be thrown in a pit. Maybe you'd die on impact at the bottom of the pit as opposed to just left out on a hill. Spartan babies, according to legends, who were not left out to die were often bathed in wine instead of water to test their constitutions. They were also ignored, whatever they cried,

and commanded never to fear darkness or solitude. Stop fearing darkness, baby! These guys were savages. Then according to at least a few sources I found, Spartan kids would be tested again at the age of five. This is even more fucked up. And just straight up murdered if deemed to be defective at that point. Hopefully at that point they would throw them in a pit as opposed to just stay there on the hill until you're dead. The word Spartan itself has come to mean self-restrained, simple, frugal, and austere. The original name for Spartans, Lekonic, a native of Lekonia, means using few words, concise. These words were derived from the

Spartans because they valued brevity in speaking, unlike politicians and citizens and many other Greek city-states. Enough chit-chat! Time to fight! Maybe fuck some butts, kill a few babies! Then we got, you know, we got the glorious Sparta focused on. Plutarch wrote, no man was allowed to live as he pleased, but in their city, as in a military encampment, they always had a prescribed regiment. Spartans would sometimes humiliate poor helots. Man, fucking with the helots is just a favorite pastime of the Spartans.

They would do this as a demonstration of the virtue of self-control sometimes. A common practice I guess was to force a helot to get drunk in public so that they would start to act foolish and that would be used as a demonstration to young boys for how an adult should not behave in public. And then after being forced to be drunk in public, oftentimes they'd be beaten for being drunk in public. Insanity. Spartans valued self-control above all else, other than being really good at fighting, of course.

But having great self-control did help with fighting. Loyalty to the state came above even loyalty to one's family in Sparta. You must live for Sparta. This singular focus, this rigid way of living, this obsessive emphasis on turning boys, all Spartan boys, into brutal killers led to Sparta becoming the most feared and militarily dominant city-state in all of Greece. However, it would later lead to Sparta's demise. Spartans were not flexible, not in any way, very rigid. They fought the same way for centuries and they became really really good at it

because they honed in and perfected it They were the best but they did not create a plan B And eventually as the world started to change more around them They couldn't keep up Spartans found themselves ill-equipped to deal with problems like social issues of inequality and a desire By more and more members of their declining population and maybe I don't know write a play or read a book Instead of beat the fuck out of some other kid for cheese and see how well you can handle being publicly whipped. The Spartans refused to adapt.

Even militarily, they did not innovate or create new technologies for war towards the end of their society. And eventually those around them evolved past them. And the glory of Sparta was no more. Now let's learn about these crazy butt fuckers some more, take a look at the timeline of Sparta from its beginning to its end. After the second of two, mid-show sponsor breaks. I'm back and now it is time for a timeline. Shrap on those boots soldier, we're marching down a time suck timeline

In 1400 BCE Almost 3500 years ago Sparta was already some sort of an important site in the ancient world in 2015 archaeologists dug up a 10-room palace containing ancient records written in a script called Linear B. The palace was found 7.5 miles from the city center of ancient Sparta. The archaeologists found murals, a cup with a bull's head, bronze swords. According to their estimates, the palace burned down in the 14th century B.C. They could not find the ruins of the city that

surrounded this ancient palace, making the palace quite a mystery. Historians have no idea how or if people continued living in the area after the palace that would have been the center of their government burned down. Research suggests likely would have been the center. Research suggests a three-century drought affected Greece at the time may have helped in bringing about this fire. During this ancient drought most civilization on the Peloponnese disappeared and much of Greece was overtaken by a sort of dark age. Eventually, new people from northern Greece moved to the south over the centuries to live on the Peloponnese, marking a new beginning for Sparta. Sometime around 1000 BCE, the early iron age,

four villages with really fucked up names that I'm not gonna try and say because there's no pronunciation guides, came together to form the beginnings of Sparta. These four villages joined near what would become Sparta's Acropolis and the city was located in the fertile Eurotus Valley. The villagers had plenty of food and water access. The name Sparta comes from a verb meaning to sow, suggesting farming origins for the later uber militaristic people. They built a Menelian temple to honor the original king of the area. And new neighboring cities started popping up

during this period of renewal. In 900 BC, the origins of Sparta as we know it began. Sparta lies on the banks of the Eurotus River. The area was very safe, naturally fortified by mountains and hills. That along with the fertile river valley was a perfect location for the formation of a Greek city-state. Easy irrigation, you got fish right there, you got pretty good weather, good soil.

Sparta first began with a rigid oligarchic constitution. Two kings were established as lifetime rulers. Sparta claimed their two kings were descendants of Heracles, son of Zeus, a demigod, with superhuman strength. Heracles became the ultimate symbol of masculine power and bravery, very fitting for Sparta. Heracles, better known here in the US as Hercules. The first kings, according to legend, were a set of twins, and they seized control from the descendants of Agamemnon, the fabled king who led the Greeks in the Trojan War and was murdered by his wife upon his return from Troy. This was the start of Spata's, Spata's,

I don't know why I like to say it that way. Two king system, the early Spartans eventually seized control of the Eurotus Valley and conquered and colonized their neighbors. In the 10th century BC, famed Spartan lawmaker, possibly more legend than man, like Kyrgyz, created the Retra, the original set of Spartan lawmaker, possibly more legend than man, Lycurgus, created the Retra, the original set of Spartan laws. It's like their constitution.

Plutarch claimed to preserve the early Spartan constitution. Historians, however, debate the existence of Lycurgus. Many believe he was a fictional inspirational character for the Spartans, the Greeks. They loved to make up historical figures. And that some early kings or council actually wrote the retra. If Lycurgus is real, he claimed he received instructions on the retra from a Delphic oracle. The retra defined the powers of the different Spartan classes. And that Delphic oracle, that basically is just saying like, nah, these laws come from God. This retra mentioned tribes in various localities as well as units of governmental organization.

The retra demanded a council with two kings. Assembly meetings declared that people should have the power. A later writer added to the retra by King Theopompus and Polydorus, kings there, reigning in the 7th and 8th centuries BCE stated that if the people chose crookedly, then the elders should dissolve the issue. There is much debate on the truth and actual age of the retra, but regardless the Spartans followed as their constitution. The retra is thought to have made Sparta the first city-state

to politically define the rights and duties of its citizens. The early Spartans did place an emphasis on the arts, surprisingly, as shown by remains of pottery and poetry. These remains were found in modern-day Libya, the island of Samos, near Turkey. Up until 600 BC, the Spartans may have had an ivory workshop. Their surviving ivories depict birds, men and women, a sacred tree, and more. Historians have noted that Sparta produced more poetry than any other Greek city-states in the 7th century BC, and their poetry would reflect a transition into military values. One early Spartan poet we met before named Alcman.

You're familiar with his great work. He wrote a poem for a festival about a choir girl named Agedo. Alcman's dates are uncertain, but he's probably active in the late 7th century BC, and here he is not writing about war. There is such a thing as retribution from the gods. Happy is he who sound of mind weaves through the day unwept. I sing the light of a Jido. I see it likes the sun whom a Jido summons to appear and witness for us. But the glorious chorus mistress forbids me to either praise or blame her. For she appears to be outstanding as if one placed among a grazing herd of a perfect horse, a prize winner with resounding hooves, one of

the dreams that dwell below the rock." Yeah, that sounds kind of cool. I bet it sounds cooler in Greek. Contrast this poem to a poem from Tiritas, a mid-seventh century poet, Spartan poet, whose work shows Sparta's transition into a military society that same century. Here is courage, mankind's finest possession. Here is the noblest prize that a young man can endeavor to win. And it is a good thing his city and all the people share with him when a man plants his

feet and stands in the foremost spears relentlessly. All thought of foul flight, completely forgotten, and has well-trained his heart to be steadfast and to endure, and with words encourages the man to a station beside him. Here is a man who proves himself to be valiant in war." And if that sounds familiar, it's because I read a portion of that to start off this episode. Tiretus, Alcman, Lycurgus, they're the three main Spartan figures that provide some historic documentation on Sparta, but there's a good chance that Lycurgus is not a real person. It's more like two people.

Most of Sparta's records, as I mentioned, come from non-Spartans, and most of them come from later, after these events, well after these events happened. Between the 8th and 5th centuries BC, Sparta subdued the neighboring territory of Messenia and enslaved its poor people. Before this, the Spartans had already taken slash founded three other colonies, Taurus and the Aegean islands of Thera, now Santorini, and Milos. After conquering these small areas, they felt ready to subdue a larger city-state and conquer its people. Did not know that Santorini, very

popular kind of bougie tourist destination now, was once Spartan. The Messenian War was a key event in Sparta's transition into a militaristic society. Messinia was a territory just west of Sparta. Fairly powerful city-state, archaeological evidence from the city of Messin shows their last signs of habitation were during the 8th century BCE, verifying the war started in that 8th century. Afterwards, it was deserted for the next several centuries. From 743 to 724 BC, Sparta and Messenia battled in the first Messenian revolt. Sparta marched through the mountains for several days and attacked Messenia. This was the first time that Greeks enslaved each other on such a massive

scale. It took two 20-plus year wars to fully enslave the Messenians. One eyewitness to the wars was Tiritus, that Spartan poet and soldier. Incorporating the Messinians. One eyewitness to the wars was Tiritus, that Spartan poet and soldier. Incorporating the Messinians into society was important because it gave Sparta the means to maintain the nearest thing to a standing army in Greece by freeing all its adult male citizens from the need for manual labor. The Messinians would do would now do that for centuries. These fuckers paid a serious price for losing that war with the Spartans. Those fuckers paid a serious price for losing that war with the Spartans. From 735 to 715 BC, Sparta finalized their takeover of Messenia. Sparta now owned a large tract of fertile land.

They turned the Messenians into the Helots, forcing them to become farmers and servants and their slaves. They forced the Helots to give them half of any produce they grew. The Helots hated the Spartans reasonably. There were constant tensions between the two classes. The first Messinian revolt is often cited as the reason for the founding of the Agoji to teach Spartan men to combat and suppress future slave revolts more effectively. In 706 BC, Sparta founded the colony of Tarentum in present-day Italy. Today it's the city of Taranto. In 700 BC, Sparta,

Argos, and Paros held the first documented musical competitions in ancient Greece. So still not only into fighting, they're playing a little music, playing some liars, or whatever they're called. Probably should have looked it up. Playing some Greek guitars. Paros, another beautiful Greek island, by the way, Greece is an incredibly beautiful country. It was fun to look up pronunciation videos just because you got to I got to see these beaches. From 685 to 668 BCE the Messinians revolted against Sparta again. Took almost two decades to put down the rebellion but Sparta eventually did and it became even more militaristic to make sure you know again that that

doesn't happen anymore. Following their defeat, Spartan poet Tiretus described the Messinians, like asses, worn out with heavy burdens. Clearly, they were none of the best of spirits after getting beaten twice. Their sad lot in life has only just begun. Also, maybe Tiretus is inferring that the Messinians were also getting butt-fucked a lot by the Spartans. I mean, maybe Tiretas is inferring that the Messinians were also getting buttfucked a lot by the Spartans. I mean, maybe that's the heavy burden that was, you know, wearing out their asses. I don't know. You know, you're not gonna hear that in any history class, but maybe for the glory of Sparta. In the 7th century BC, Sparta's military culture was fully established by state leaders from this century until their demise. Spartans dedicated themselves now to war and diplomacy, but mostly war. They began to reject almost all arts, philosophy, literature.

Too woke! They needed to create the most powerful army in ancient Greece. Before the Messenian Revolt, Spartans were somewhat similar to other city-states. They had artists and poets, men and women performing labor. After the revolt, Sparta transitioned into a fully militaristic society. They became stricter on their soldiers, punishing cowardice in battle with the loss of citizenship. They greatly increased the amount of boy soldier butt-fucking to ensure stricter obedience. Actually, I'm not sure about the last one, but it seems possible. They encouraged a pair bonding among the hop lights to promote loyalty. Loyalty probably built largely around the butt, you know,

I'll stop. Time for another sodomy break probably. The Mississinians' labor created an economic surplus for the Spartans, used to finance the communal mess halls and barracks that will help characterize life as a male Spartan citizen. I had the male that was the only citizen, but it just sounds weird. I don't want to be confusing and say Spartan citizen and think like man and woman. Spartan society becomes more and more focused on strict order and discipline now. Spartans feared another Messenian revolt, wanted to be ready for combat at all times.

Enslaving the Messenians changed the entire structure of Spartan life and allowed them to become a military superpower. After the revolts, all the land and artifacts from Messenia were given to Spartans to combat the natural response to human greed, to avoid their own civil war. Spartan leaders decided to transfer the values of a phalanx to their society

uniformity equality Discipline no one gets to have too much shit Right there inspired by like Kyrgyz to create their own utopia of a perfectly disciplined society a cultural revolution takes place Sparta sets out to train the best hoplite warriors in the world, and they turn their Acropolis into a military training camp. By around 600 BC, Sparta controls most of the Peloponnese. They started to extend their control into Arcadia, in the central and eastern part of the Peloponnese peninsula. Instead of only using brute force, Sparta also tried their hand at diplomacy around

600 BC. They claimed they had the bones of Orestes, son of Agamemnon. They also claimed that the Spartans were successors to the line of Atreus, father of Agamemnon and Achaean king. This helped Sparta form an alliance with the ancient Akkadian city of Togia, an important religious center mentioned by Homer in the Iliad, which led to them getting a whole network of alliances that they would use to form the Peloponnesian League. In an alliance now, Sparta expected full military reciprocity from their allies, and in exchange

for this, they went to various city-states and deposed a number of tyrants with their military might. Lasting from 550 to 336 B.C., the Peloponnesian League was an alliance between Sparta, Corinth, Aeolus, and Tegia. This established Spartan dominance over the Peloponnese. Also in 550, King Cyrus II, aka Cyrus the Great, founds the first Persian Empire. The Persians, one of Greece's and Sparta's greatest enemies. But they would also ally with him sometimes. Within this large time frame, several key events took place that would shape the history

of ancient Greece. In 545 BCE, Sparta took control of Thyria and its fertile farmland, best in the peninsula, from Argos. 525 BCE, Sparta and Corinth made an unsuccessful attack on Polycratis. Polycrates. Boom! Fucking Polycrates. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. Polycrates. I say it every day of Samos. Polycrates was a powerful tyrant who defended his island home with a powerful navy.

You know all about Polycrates. I'm sure most of you talk about polycrates on the daily. In 506 BC, Sparta and the Peloponnesian League allies invaded Attica, the countryside around the powerful city-state of Athens, but don't go into Athens. From 494 to 493 BC, Spartan forces under King Cleomenes I attacked the city of Argos after a 50-year peace treaty between the two powers ended. A Spartan oracle had proclaimed that the Spartans would capture Argos. One of the most important Spartan kings, Cleomenes, was instrumental in organizing the Greek resistance against the Persian Empire.

That's going around this time. However, despite slaughtering 6,000 Archive hoplites in a battle outside the city of Argos, Cleomenes does not take Argos. And when he gets home, he's actually put on trial by the Gerosia, accused of bribery, right? That's why he didn't conquer the city. He was bribed, but he was acquitted. Cleomenes said that since he did capture a sacred grove of trees outside of Argos that is also called Argos, the Oracle's prophecy had been fulfilled because the grove in the city had the same name. I love it.

I love that a battle was fought because of some ancient con artist Oracle had a fucking prophecy and loved that this guy found a loophole to fulfill it. Guys, I totally did it. 100%. Did I capture Argos? Yeah. I thought you were talking about the trees. Hold on, I wish you would have said city. I wish you would have been more specific, but you weren't.

From 492 to 449 BC, Sparta and most of Greece fight in the Greco-Persian Wars. Sparta initially did not want to be involved in this massive war, but when the Persians threatened their allies in Ionia, they felt they had to get involved. The Greeks there had sent an emissary to Sparta to beg for help. They initially refused, but did send a warning to Persian King Cyrus to leave Greece alone or else. The Persians, of course, did not listen. King Darius I invades parts of Greece 492 BC, the Athenian forces pushing back at the Battle of Marathon 490 BC.

Greek force of roughly 10,000 Athenian hoplites smashingly defeats roughly 25,000 Persians without Spartans support. They're pretty formidable too. And they didn't even have to fucking take kids from the age of seven and you know, torture them until they're an adult to win that battle. Darius died in a later battle in 486 BC and his son Xerxes, the first, continued the war. Allegedly the Spartans consulted an oracle to decide if they now should join the war or not. The oracle was a woman possessed by the priest Adelphi. The oracle dressed in virgins clothes very likely took hallucinogens and relayed

her predictions to whoever requested the message. The messages were almost always ambiguous because this is fucking insane. It's probably gibberish. But the Oracle of Adelphi foretold that either Sparta would be destroyed by the Persians or one of its kings must die. Accepting this fate, Sparta officially joins the war. Both kings probably kind of nervous now. 490 BCE, Leonidas becomes one of Sparta's two kings after Cleomenes I dies. And yes, that Leonidas, played by Gerard

Butler in 300, this is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die! You make history, become a legendary Spartan hero. 480 BC, big year in Spartan's history. The Greco-Persian War is ongoing. Xerxes invades Greece again in 480 BC this year. The Persians crossed Hellespont and narrowed straight between the Aegean and Black seas and moved south. The Spartan army led by King Leonidas forms an anti-Persian coalition between Sparta and Athens working with their enemy. This coalition would fight at Thermopylae, a key battle in the Greco-Persian war immortalized and history revisited in 300. The battle of Thermopylae, did I say Thermopylae

earlier? It's Thermopylae, was led by King Leonidas and other Greek allies, greatly outnumbered. They held back the Persians led by Xerxes for three days. And a small force of Spartan soldiers really did stay behind to fight to the death against the Persian army, the much, much, much larger Persian army. And that made Sparta legendary for their prowess, tenacity, gave them the status of having the best army in all of Greece. Thermopylae contained a narrow passage and Leonidas and his men blocked that passage to stop Xerxes' advance. Leonidas started the battle with just a few thousand soldiers, roughly 900 helots, 400 Thebans, 700 Thespians and other Greeks,

and just 300 Spartans. The Persian army, again much, much bigger. Xerxes waited to see if the Greeks would surrender, but they would not, so he planned his attack. Herodotus, Greek historian of the time, wrote, The Persians rushed forward and charged the Greeks, but fell in vast numbers. Others, however, took the places of the slain, and would not be beaten off, though they suffered terrible losses. In this way it became clear to all, and especially to the king, that though he had plenty of combatants, he had but very few warriors. The struggle, however, continued during the whole day. Xerxes, after losing a lot of people, initially withdrew his forces. He next sent in a unit he really did call, just like 300, the Immortals. Ten thousand elite infantrymen sent them after the Greeks.

Right from the movie, that scene, they are the hunters of men's souls. They cannot be killed or defeated. Not these immortals." That's when Leonidas said, Immortals will put their name to the test. And the Greeks led by Leonidas and his men the 300 fucking butchered him. If Herodotus is to be believed the Spartans and a couple thousand Greeks fighting with them but really just 300 at the end would kill approximately 20,000 Persians. Herodotus wrote the Lacedaemonians, which is another way of saying the Spartans, much harder way, fought in a way worthy of note and showed themselves far more skilful in fight than their adversaries,

often turning their backs and making as though they were all flying away, on which the barbarians would rush after them with much noise and shouting, when the Spartans at their approach would wheel round and face their pursuers in this way destroying vast numbers of the enemy. It's so disciplined, so fearless. What ended the battle was when a Greek trader showed Xerxes a different pass through Thermopylae. That really sucks that if some fucking trader wouldn't have shown up a different way those 300 might have actually held off the entire Persian force.

Later that day, the Persians outmaneuvered the Greeks, attacked them from both sides. They didn't have the numbers to handle that. The Greeks outnumbered at least 40 to one. Herodotus claimed the Persian army was 1.5 million men. He greatly exaggerated numbers a lot. Historians estimate closer to 300. Many of Leonidas' troops withdrew, and so did many of the Greeks that had been fighting with him, but 300 Spartans did stay behind to fight knowing it was likely to the

death. Leonidas, one of those 300, the king and his men made a final stand and it was written, fell fighting bravely together with many other famous Spartans. The Persians killed all the Spartans and the Helots they brought along, then they moved south and sacked Athens, almost breaking into the Peloponnese. Why did Leonidas stay in fight almost certainly knowing he would die? For one thing, that was the Spartan way. Death before surrender. Come back with your shield or on it. Also, the Oracle of Delphi said Sparta would be destroyed by the Persians or one of its kings must die. Perhaps he believed that by sacrificing himself he was saving his people. For the glory of Sparta!

And that is incredibly badass and I would say that that battle is what most people think of when they think of Spartans. So this was a devastating defeat but the basis of a legendary tale of bravery that inspires militaries, books, movies, many individuals to this day. Also when emissaries were sent by Xerxes to Sparta to ask them to submit, right before this all happened, they really did toss those fuckers into a well. So it was pretty similar to the scene of the guy getting kicked into the well. The Greeks then fought in the Battle of Salamis. Athenians and more Spartans working together to defeat the Persians.

Salamis was important because it did stop the Persian advance. The Persians lost 200 to 300 ships in this battle and an unknown amount of men compared to the Greeks losing 40 ships. Xerxes went home but left his army behind. 479 BCE, Xerxes forces are defeated by the Greeks at the Battle of Plataea now. This ended Persian imperial ambitions in Greece. This was a big Greek and Spartan victory. Sparta, heavily involved in the fighting. If again, Herodotus is to be believed, probably not but it sounds cool.

Greeks slaughtered 257,000 Persian forces and lost, if you can believe him, 159 men. I'm guessing his math was a wee bit off, but the Greeks did win decisively, it is believed. And no city-state sent more hoplites into this battle than Sparta. They sent in 10,000 elite warriors. 478 BC, Sparta withdrew from the Greek alliance against Persia. No more fighting alongside Athens for now you fuckers probably gonna fight you soon 464 massive earthquake brings destruction and chaos to Sparta and the Missinians used that as an opportunity to start another revolt and will be punished mightily

This revolt was suppressed savagely untold number of the Missinians are butchered From 460 to 446 BC, Athens, Sparta, their allies fight each other in the first Peloponnesian War. Although they were allied to fight the Persians, you know not that long ago, now they're back to fighting each other. Peloponnesian War made Sparta powerful, also signaled the end of the Golden Age of Greece when Athens was the most powerful city-state. The war was caused by the formation of the Athenian League in 478. The Athenian League united city-states under Athens to guard against the Persians and now also to guard against the Greek

Peloponnesian League. The two forces opposed each other and fought for territory and power. In 457 BC Sparta won the Battle of Tanagra against Athens. 445 BC the first Peloponnesian war between Sparta and Athens ends with the 30 years treaty. Two sides agreed to stop fighting for you know 30 years but the peace won't last that long. Only lasts until 437. Then in 444 BC future Spartan King Aedes Aelaus II is born. He'll reign over Sparta from 399 to 369 and command Sparta through their period of spot and supremacy 404 to 371 BCE 437 BC tensions rise again between the Athenian and Peloponnesian leagues

Civil War in the city-state of Epidamos or Epidamnos Led to Corinth becoming involved Sparta as their ally was brought into the fight Corinth's enemy Corsaira today the Greek island of Corfu, targeted Epidamnos and seized it in a sea battle. For 33 BC tensions rise higher. Corcyra asked for Athens support and said that a conflict with Sparta was inevitable. Corinth fought Athens at the Battle of Tsivotia.

Sparta didn't want to enter the war, but Corinth convinced them. Sparta sent over three delegations to negotiate a new treaty, but Athens rejected. Quite the balls to reject these fuckers. 432 BC, Sparta declares that Athens broke the 30-year peace treaty and began preparing for more war. So many wars. One source I came across said that the Spartans loved to be fighting in war. Like they loved it more than when they were at peace. Partially because their grueling training regiments were relaxed during times of battle and it was actually less brutal for them to fight in a war than it was for them to train for fighting in a war, which is insane. From 431 to 404 BC,

Athens sparred with their allies fighting the second Peloponnesian War. This war was between the Athenian League and the Peloponnesian League. Almost every city-state in Greece was involved. Thebes, a key player, sided with Sparta against Athens. First ten years of the war are sometimes called the Architomian War. Named after the Spartan king Architomus I. Sparta spread a propaganda slogan on this time, Freedom for the Greeks. They claimed they wanted to liberate all of Greece from Athens,

but they really wanted to seize power for themselves. For 30 BC, Sparta sieged Athens city walls. At the same time, a plague killed many Athenians inside the walls, including their leader, Pericles. Exact identity of the walls, including their leader, Pericles. The exact identity of the disease is uncertain. Typhus, typhoid fever, seem to be the lead suspects. 429 BC, Peloponnesian forces led by Sparta began the siege of Plataea.

After the attacks from Sparta, Athens fortified their port of Piraeus to reduce the width of harbor entrances. 427, Plataea falls to Sparta after a two-year siege. Spartan king Aegeis II ascends to the throne. 425, Sparta suffers a devastating loss against Athens at the battle of Sphacteria. It's a fun word. This battle was important because 120 Spartans surrendered after being stranded on the island of Sphacteria, something unheard of in Spartan history. Thucydides wrote, nothing that happened in the war surprised the Hellenians so much as

this. It was the opinion that no force or famine could make the L Lacedemonians, which is the Spartans, give up their arms, but that they would fight on as they could and die with them in their hands. So this is a huge morale boost for the Athenians. Over the next 18 years, a lot of little battles are fought back and forth between the Athenians, the Spartans, then in 407 BCE another big dick Spartan, recently promoted, will break the backs of the Athenians and reestablish Spartan dominance. 407 BCE Lysander defeats the Athenian fleet at Natium.

This victory won the war for Sparta, which was surprising to all because it was a sea battle. Sparta had never been a Greek naval powerhouse like Athens long was. The Athenians had the naval advantage, but Lysander was recently promoted to commander of Sparta's navy, and he convinced the Persian prince Cyrus to give him money to build up his fleet. Weird fact about Lysander is he was actually half-hellet, but he qualified for the Agoge and proved himself to be one of the most cunning trainees. Lysander befriended Persian King Cyrus and convinced him to give money to Sparta. Spartans fleet salary increased 25% by 25% overnight. All the mercenaries and freelance oarsmen working in Athens got word of the higher pay

that the Spartans were now dishing out and switched sides. So pretty smart little move there. Lysander started building up the navy, fought with the Athenian navy in a sea battle at Egos Potomai. He refused to engage directly and surprise them and cut off their grain supply from the Crimea, from Port Piraeus in Athens. Spartano had the power and Athens had to concede to their terms. 404 BC, the second Peloponnesian war finally comes to an end. Sparta was once again the most powerful

city state in all of Greece. for the glory of Sparta, commence celebratory buttfucking something. Lysander's terms of defeat for Athens were tear down the city walls, confine their activities to Attica, the land around Athens, and submit to the rule of the Thirty Tyrants, and that ended democracy in Athens for some time. On the 4th century BC, Athens born military leader and historian Xenophon wrote, the Peloponnesians with great enthusiasm began to tear down the walls to the music of flute girls, thinking that today

was the beginning of freedom from Greece. I like flute girl by the way it's hyphenated I mean she's translation but I like just to think that there's a class of people just known as flute girls. Well who is that? That's a flute girl. Oh so that's a girl. It's yeah technically it's a girl think that there's a class of people just known as flute girls. Well, who is that over there? That's a flute girl. Oh, so that's a girl. It's yeah technically It's a girl, but really it's a flute girl. All she does is flute just flute and girl. They're just the same package You can't remove one without really destroying the other Sparta's collaborators took over the city and settled some scores with old enemies So a lot of Athenian nobles died. Lysander was so proud of himself he

created a monument of himself being crowned by Poseidon and that flashy display not looked upon as a good thing back in Sparta marked a decline in Lysander's public reputation. It's like easy buddy. We're fucking fierce but we're humble in showy ways. Many historians consider the Peloponnesian Wars the most significant event in ancient Greek history. They involved almost all of Greece, shifted the balance of power from the Athenian League to the Peloponnesian League, most of it recorded by Thucydides. His historical accounts considered one of the finest works of ancient history. 400 BC, now Sparta on top

of its game, experiences some political turmoil. More oracle bullshit. And oracle now predicts a greater power struggle and references a crippled kingship. King Aegeus was dead and there were two candidates competing for the throne, half brothers, Leotaikodus and Aedesaleus, who we met earlier. Leotaikodus was Aegeus' son and meant to take the throne by birthright. Agestaelaus was born, quote, lame, but was not murdered as a baby because he was of royal blood. At the age of seven, Agestaelaus qualified for the agogee, despite his disability, thrived in school.

When Aegeaus died, Agestaelaus now wants the throne, but no other Spartan supports him because that oracle is reference to a crippled kingship. Maybe not being a good thing They thought the Oracle was referring to him, but Lysander sweeps in reminds the Spartans that Alcaebiades an Athenian politician in general had an affair with King Aegeus wife Leo Leo Tychidus therefore was not a legitimate king support now shift from Leo Tychidus to a Jusileus and He's crowned king and king he is King Aedes Aelaus II. The next 30 years will be known as the years of Aedes Aelaus. Glad I get to say that word so many times. From 396 to 387 BC, all of Greece was involved

in yet another war, the Corinthian War. This war restored democracy in Athens and renewed hostile feelings towards Sparta. Much of it took place in Corinthian territory, hence the name. War was fought by Sparta versus the coalition of Athens assisted by Persia. Sparta was angry in the Greek city-states because they were now trying to expand their territory. To this end they were trying to take Syracuse, a colony of Corinth. Thieves was particularly at risk of being overtaken by Sparta, so they were extra ready to join a movement to kick the shit out of them. By 396 BC, everyone was looking for a fight, and Sparta was not quite as ready for it as they had been in years past.

All the years of journeys into other city-states showed Spartan soldiers how other soldiers lived, often a life of riches, pleasure, not being beaten and butt-fucked a whole bunch, and now there was a bit of grumbling amongst the ranks. What? Wait a minute, some people eat good food? Not everyone kills a whole bunch of their babies? My whole life has been wasted. Agestaelaus, led by example, lived a simple Spartan lifestyle, but not enough to inspire his men.

Lysander had earned more respect than Agestaelaus for his military victories, and now these two start experiencing some tension. When Lysander makes a recommendation, Jesilaus will do the opposite. He wants to publicly shame Lysander and his influence. Over time he makes it so no one wants to be associated with Lysander. And their relationship will come to a turbulent end over dinner one evening years later. Lysander will leave Sparta, visit an oracle, so many oracle visits. He'll make plans to spread word

of a false prophecy to uproot a Jessalais's power and create chaos amongst the ranks but then dies in a battle before his plot can take place his final papers detailed an elected kingship system that would change Sparta's political world excuse me when a Jessalais found out about the plot he was going to read the speech to mock Lysander like read it to the people but then an elder warned him maybe she bury it maybe she'd never let anyone see it he thought the speech was against him was actually too persuasive that would have been pretty funny if he would have read Lysander's speech like to mock it and it just colossally backfires and he gets deposed

you know just this this idiot he's gonna change things so that uh He's gonna change so many things like for one thing your sons would now get to stay at home and be raised by you Until the age 18 and then they may be trained to become a soldier But you know maybe not even give a fuck or beaten and you know be giving shoes and blankets and stuff Can you imagine or maybe not even become a soldier and instead be a merchant or artist or you know go travel and explore more? The world and stuff and just try to find his own you know personal happiness. Can you imagine? How stupid! Actually that sounds much better than what we have. No no no yeah okay yeah but he's also like gonna get rid of the kingship the way we do and he's gonna stop killing babies and you know

and maybe even eventually like lead to a democracy where you guys all get to say can you imagine? Yes, yes, we can this actually sounds much better This much better than our shitty lives Anyway backing up before Lysander died I don't know why that guy became British at the end during the Corinthian War Sparta won two land battles against Athens and their allies However, they suffered a devastating defeat at sea by an Athenian and Persian fleet Sparta didn't win the war but only when the Persians were convinced to switch sides.

And now they got to help them back later. Now they're in the Persians debt. King Agesilaus II now involves Sparta in Persian civil wars in Asia Minor, right? Part of his dealings with the Persians. Then he returns from Asia, fights in two battles of the Corinthian War. 396 BC, Kingegeus Aelaus the second campaigns in Ionia. The 390s marked an expansion period for Sparta. They're doing great. They conducted many campaigns in Greece and Asia. Aegeus Aelaus persuaded the Gerousia to grant him power of supreme command in Asia. He became just a second Spartan commander to go that far east and in 395 the first king

to be in charge of both the army and the navy. In 395 BC Lysander is killed by Theban forces in battle though big military loss for Sparta. In 392 BC King Agesalaus offers peace terms at a conference but Artaxerxes, the first of Persia and the other city-states decided to continue fighting to keep their land gains. 387 BC, Sparta attacks the port of Piraeus again. The Spartans under Antelcidus blocked the Hellespont with the help of Persia and Dionysius of Syracuse, and they starved Athens into submission. That's a tough, tough way to go. 386 BC, Sparta, Athens, Persia all signed the Peace of Antilcidas or the King's Peace.

Specified that Asia was to belong to the King of Persia and the Greek cities, including the islands, could be autonomous. Sparta is recognized as a champion of peace for one time only. Still on top for the glory of Sparta. Antilcidas, a Spartan diplomat, soldier, and relative of King Aesilaus continued his success by leading Sparta in the 382 occupation of the Theban citadel of Cadmia. But then a big blow to Sparta internally followed. Big plot to overthrow the government. Plot failed, but the thought that a lot of people were against Sparta's government was concerning.

Sparta's old ways started to hurt him now. Fewer and fewer men could meet the rigorous Spartan standards anymore or wanted to. And the population of true Spartans loyal to the state was now less than 1,000 men. The rest allies or slaves. The state was now reluctant to force all of their male citizens into battle. They had so few. Maybe should have killed quite so many babies. You know, it's like that old saying, you kill too many of your babies, someday you'll have

less adults. We all heard that one, right? Spartans now started foraging helots to serve in the army under the promise of freedom from their enslavement if they survived in battle. But these soldiers were not fully committed to the state. For some weird reason, they didn't really seem to give a shit about the glory of Sparta and were less motivated to fight in battle for rulers who'd been brutally enslaving them for centuries.

Who'da guessed? Glory days of Sparta come into an end. A major step towards Spartan demise occurs when between 377 and 355 BC, the Cycladic city-states, a group of various small Greek island city-states, join Athens in the second Athenian league against Sparta. This league primarily navy-based to better challenge Sparta. And in 375 BC, Thebes defeats Sparta at the Battle of Togaira. Then on July 6, 371 BC, Sparta defeated by Thebes again. Fuckin' Thebes! At the Battle of Luctra. And this is a big ass whooping. Theban general Epaminandes. Oh Epaminandes. Oh Epaminandes. You've heard of him. Let an invasion into

Spartan territory and freed tens of thousands of Messinian helots. Uh oh. Epaminandes. This guy's won too many syllables with his name. Epaminandes, the Theban statesman and military leader, will end Spartans dominance forever, or Spartis, and alters the balance of power among city-states. The Spartan loss at Leuctra was really the fault of Spartan King Aesolaus, who promoted hostilities between Sparta and Thebes, their ally in the Peloponnesian War.

Thebes started to view Spartans as, quote, angry tyrants. Fucking angry tyrants. At Lucre, the Spartans put their cavalry in front of their phalanx. That was a big mistake. Spartan cavalry, not as skilled and advanced as other city-states because almost every Spartan fought as a hoplite, had not updated their training enough, not evolving. Thebans, however, traditionally very good with horses, had the best horses in Greece, and they were able to cut down Spartis Calvary and then attack the phalanx from a superior position. Spartan King Cleombrotus I was fighting in the phalanx as was tradition for Spartan kings and struck down and carried out a battle by soldiers. Then other military commanders killed right after him. Allegedly, Oepa, Oepa Menandez, saw this and

yelled, I wish I had a better name! No, he yelled, grant me one step and we will have the victory. And then he got his one step. He and his men pushed the Spartans back without their leaders to command them. Some Spartans fled. Wasn't like the good old days anymore, right? These aren't the same old Spartans. They're not as committed. They're not getting butt-fucked anymore and they've gotten soft. Up to 4,000 Spartans died that day and thieves may have lost as little as 50 men. Thieves immediately marched south to garner support from surrounding communities. They continued their march to deliver the biggest blow possible to Sparta, freeing more and more Messenians, taking away the majority of Sparta's labor force. Oh, Epa!

Epa Menondes then invaded Sparta with 30,000 to 40,000 men, burned buildings and crops along the way to announce his presence and make life harder. He marched through the Eurotus Valley to the Spartan port city of Jythium, went back through Sparta before marching again into Mycenaeia. The Helots and the Peri-usae were revolting en masse now. Epaminondes empowered the Helots to continue the revolt and come with him to take back Messenia. Sparta now forced to ally with old enemy Athens to save itself, which showed their desperation

and lack of power. Thieves worked in Messenia from 370 to 369 to free more Messenians, reestablish their city-state. Sparta will never fully recover from the massive loss of soldiers and slave labor. A restored Messenian now became the outward and very visible sign of Sparta's humiliation. They lost control of their slaves. They can't just murder them willy-nilly anymore. Can't get them drunk and mock them and beat them.

Can't send young murder squads out to hunt for them for sport. Sparta is unrecognizable. Sparta ceased to exist as a feared city-state and now just limped along as a second-rate power for a few final centuries. From 371 to 271 BC, Sparta goes into a period of significant decline. For the first time in history, Sparta begins constructing city walls. They no longer have their wall of men. During this century of decline, Spartan king

Aegeas IV and Cleomenes III attempted to increase Sparta's power. They cancelled debts, redistributed land, allowed foreigners and non-citizens to become Spartans, right, increased the citizen population to about 4,000. I picture them just, you know, like going to other cities with little like signs like, come talk to me about Sparta. They're just desperate. Ultimately, Cleomenes III was forced to yield to the Achaean League though and then the Achaeans would fall to Rome. 366 BC most of Sparta's Peloponnesian League allies have defected. 362 Sparta fought against Sparta, fought against Thebes and Athens at the battle of Matanea. Oh, Epah was fucking killed thank God. Tired of saying his crazy ass name.

Epaminondas, rest in peace. 360 BC, King Agesilaus II dies and Archidamus III ascends to the throne. 331 BC, Sparta still suffering from the major defeat at Lutron. But they're still powerful enough at this point not to be taken over by Alexander the Great, which says a lot about how powerful they were earlier. Then in the wars of Alexander's successors, Greece was embroiled in a conflict for over 20 years. Sparta would be actually a key player in the war, operating largely as hired mercenaries. They took part in the Athenian revolt against Macedon in 323 and 322. 315, Sparta sees control back of Messenia when Cassandra of Macedon intervened in the Peloponnese, but then they soon lost their old slave territory again. In 300 BCE,

King Architamus IV draws Sparta directly into the wars of the successors, before this again, Spartans acting as mercenaries. 294, Demetrius Polyercetus, son of Cassander, Macedonian king, invades the Peloponnese to use it as a resource to try and conquer Macedon. Spartan king Architamus IV meets him in battle and loses. 700 Spartans die, including Architamus. 281 BC. King Arius rules Sparta and he is considered one of Sparta's last true kings. In an attempt to adapt the times, he transforms Sparta further away from the singularly focused

militaristic heights. For the first time in centuries, under his rule, prominent artists are again found in Sparta, likely attracted by the sponsorship of Arius, who probably built the first theatre in the city as well. Arius, also known as the king who first minted coins in Sparta. No more clunky iron discs and bars. King Arius will fight in numerous battles. He'll win some, lose others, and then die in battle in 265 BCE.

And Sparta will fall farther. Jumping to 207 now. The Spartans defeated at Matanea. 4,000 Spartans are killed. And Nabas, the last independent Spartan king, assumes power. And he is described in various ancient sources as being a huge douchebag. Not their exact words, but not revered. He was a tyrant, not a good one. He dissolved the Gerousia and the Ephors. He ruled alone. No second king. There was no balance to his power. Nabas tortured, exiled his Spartan opponents, forced their wives to marry helots, many of whom he had freed, so he could have more people be loyal to him.

He was not Spartan in any recognizable way. He did not fight alongside his men in a phalanx. He did not live like his people. He lived in a palace opulently. Oh my God. Kept a stable of parade horses. Had a permanent bodyguard of mercenaries around him at all times. 192 BC, Nabas is assassinated despite his mercenaries in a coup by the Aetolian League, rival of the Achaean League, and Sparta soon falls under Achaean League domination. Another major humiliating blow to Sparta. Briefly, some guy named Laconius, maybe, historians not even sure what his name was, ruled for a tiny bit. We know almost nothing about him. Following what's his name, it's a little unclear who led Sparta for the next few decades. 188 BC,

Sparta is invaded by Philip Poman and Achaean general. Sparta city walls constructed under Nabas were completed that year and the wall was six miles in circumference. But Philip Holman forced reforms by abolishing Lycurgus' laws and destroying the new city wall. Sparta, truly unrecognizable now. 146 B.E. Rome defeats the Achaeans and establishes a protectorate in Greece. They occupy Sparta and take most of the Peri-Eisai from them.

And then during a long period of Roman occupation, Sparta becomes essentially a fucking Disneyland, a vacation destination and tourist attraction. Oh, how sad for the wealthy Romans. Many old Spartan customs are restored for show so that Romans can come and see how they used to live. Oh, cute. Look at how those hungry boys fight for cheese. That's adorable. customs are restored for show so that Romans can come and see how they used to live. Oh cute! Look at how those hungry boys fight for cheese. That's adorable. Oh look at them leaving that sickly baby on the hillside. Let's wait and see how long it takes for wolves to find it. Rome would also recruit young Spartans to fill their infantry ranks.

49 BCE, Rome experiencing a civil war between Pompey and Julius Caesar, and the Spartans are forced to side with Pompey and give him troops. Greece becomes a new setting to that war. 42 BC, around 2000 Spartan soldiers die at the Battle of Philippe. 32 BC, Greece under the control of Marcus Brutus, but the Spartans side with Octavian aka Emperor Augustus against Anthony and they provide shelter for Octavian's future wife, Livia. 31 BC, Octavian is defeated, Antony seizes power in Rome. In 27 BC, Augustus officially becomes Rome's first emperor, Sparta, favored by Augustus,

but in 14 BC, Emperor Augustus dies and that effectively ends the last thread of Sparta's political power in Greece. Last Spartan hero who's not even really a Spartan is a Gaius Julius Everclese, partially a Roman. Everclese, a president and commander over Sparta, not a king. And then he tried to assert too much control and act like a king. He got put on trial before Augustus, deprived of his presidency, exiled, and dies before 2 BCE. After Augustus' death, Everglades' successors placed themselves in favor with Emperor Tiberius,

reinstated themselves as Sparta's rulers, but fully under Rome's supervision. And this was the final, very anticlimactic end of Sparta as we knew it. Over two centuries later, in 267 CE, the Goths sacked the territories of Athens, Corinth, Sparta, which is really just not even the same place at all now, and Argos. 396 CE, Sparta sacked again by the Visigoths, led by their king, Alaric, who would sack Rome 14 years later. Visigoths destroyed a large part of the Peloponnese. Soon after this, the Byzantines repopulate the area and rename Sparta Lacedemon and then it fades out of existence. Over 800 years later in 1204 CE, the Franks build a fortress city, Mestras, just southwest of

Sparta on the hills. In 1259, Mestras becomes capital of the Byzantine province of Mestras on the Peloponnese and thrives for two centuries. Almost 600 years later, in 1834, Otto the King of Greece orders the founding of New Sparta, near the original site of Lacedaemon and the Spartan ruins. In a special commemoration ceremony, he kills an unhealthy baby, but fucks young boy, makes two other star boys fight to the death over a block of cheese before shouting, this is Sparta. I don't have to say that didn't happen, do I? From 1906 to 1910 and again from 1924 to 1929, a team of archaeologists excavates some ancient

Spartan ruins. Now New Sparta is a commercial and industrial center trading in citrus and olive oil. Also has tourists coming by to check out a variety of important archaeological sites. Population roughly 16,000 to 17,000 people. Pretty small little place in Greece. Uh, actually doesn't show up on any many lists of like the top places to visit is no longer this power at all. Uh, none of the people living there are forced into a lifetime of military service. They let the weakest of babies live. They eat good food, don't have slaves,

new Sparta, pretty woke, which you know is quite a shame. It really bums me out. There's not willing to do what it takes to start taking shit over again. And that will take us out of this timeline. Good job soldier, you've made it back. Barely. Before sharing some final thoughts about this episode today, and I'm actually pretty happy, pretty happy with my Greek pronunciation. I know I'm not a professor but for me, I feel like that was a good leap up. I do have one more ad that I'm very excited about. This was really the perfect episode for them to place this ad.

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What is the legacy of the Sparta today? The first remnant of Sparta, so ridiculous, is in our vocabulary. Spartan, right? Just the word Spartan. I say it. We still say Spartan, you know, when we speak of showing indifference to comfort or luxury, something very minimalist. We also still think of fearless and fierce warriors totally committed to their cause. Many of us also think of what it means to be, for lack of a better word, manly. I know I do, you know, primally, simplistically, and in a very traditionally alpha gigachad sense, masculine. For the Spartans,

courage was manliness. And there is value in that, for sure. You know, I love reading about, thinking about that kind of courage It's why I love movies like 300 or Troy also why I love, you know Wild West stories That's also men being very traditionally men for lack of a better word not afraid to die for what they believe in Not afraid of a fistfight a sword fight high noon showdown Not gonna lie that shit gets my blood moving But while it's cool to witness in movies the Spartan just, just like many of the quick draw artists I'm fasting with, definitely took that shit too far. Way too far.

For Spartans, courage took precedence over all other traditional virtues, such as wisdom, justice, piety. Courage was a central part of masculine identity in Sparta, so much so that they viewed having basic defenses, like a city wall for most of their history as effeminate. To be a man in Sparta was to be a soldier, a soldier happy to die for the glory of Sparta. If you were not a soldier you weren't really a man. It was that simple. Although the Western standards of masculinity today are much more complex you can still see Spartan influences. I think of a champion UFC MMA fighters. right? A singular focus on combat. They have to have that to climb that high in a combat sport.

Super alpha. But not even they, you know, are as rugged as the average Spartan soldier at the height of their dominance. I mean, you know, even the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, Tyson Fury, big mental health advocate. Even he will talk about feelings when he's not punching guys in the face. I think a Spartan warrior would truly be disgusted by that. They'd see it as embarrassing or just be confused.

Like, what are you doing? What is happening? Those dudes put fighting above everything else, family, love, basic comforts. Take no comfort in simple pleasure like good food or strong drink, no comfort in basic self-care. Don't get a massage for sore muscles. If they would have had aspirin, I doubt they would have taken it. Nope. Here the women can have the aspirin. Not for us, not for us men. Nothing. Don't acknowledge pain. Emotional, physical. Don't fucking cry. Ever. Don't scream when the whip hits your back. Ever. Don't complain. Don't quit. Don't scream when the whip hits your back ever. Don't complain. Don't quit.

Don't stop fighting until the battle is won or you're dead. And I do admire a degree of that. I do think as a society sometimes we swing too far the other way and become too soft, too quick to cry, too quick to wallow in our own despair and embrace victim woe is me mentality to an unhealthy degree that paralyzes you. But again, holy shit, the Spartans took things way too far in the other direction. My God, even for the times, even the Athenians, right? Able to amass their own very formidable fighting forces that did best the Spartans on occasion, even they were like, what the fuck? You guys are savages.

God damn, that's too much. Let the kids have their cheese already. Give them some shoes! Let them sleep at home! Maybe don't buttfuck them so much! And I say so much because that shit still went on in Athens as well. Just not to the same degree. Anyway, I hope you like what you learned. If you want to dive further into the glory of Sparta, just search Sparta. In any podcast, director, or on YouTube, so many well-produced podcasts and videos, so many people dedicated to Spartan history, so much fun Spartan and inspired modern media as well. When Sparta appears in modern media,

it's usually centered on the Battle of Thermopylae, considered history's most famous last stand. Sparta has inspired books, movies, video games. Some popular books revolving around Sparta are Go Tell the Spartans, Prince of Sparta, and Gates of Fire, all written in the 90s. References to Sparta appear in video games like Halo, God of War, Assassin's Creed, Odyssey, with soldiers inspired by the Spartans. The well-known film 300 of course depicts King Leonidas in the Battle of Thermopylae. Sparta has also influenced TV shows.

Spartan influences appear in an episode of Xena, Warrior Princess, remember that show? Star Trek, South Park. For better or worse, the legends of Sparta still inspire most of the world today. Author Paul Cartledge, Spartan expert, gives another great reason, a cool reason why we still admire Sparta today in his book The Spartans. For the ancient ideal encapsulated in the myth of Thermopylae still resonates today. It is the idea that there are some values that are worth dying for as well as living for. That's pretty badass. Are there any values you find worth dying for?

Worth living for? If you can't think of any, is that a good thing or is that a very bad thing? How much value do our lives really have if we're not willing to lose them for something greater than ourselves? Do admire that about Sparta a lot. Time for take aways now. Time Shuck Top 5 Takeaways Number one, Sparta was different from every other city state in Greece for many reasons.

Early in their history, they rejected almost all forms of art, culture, education to focus on becoming a highly structured, militaristic society. Spartan men had one career choice, a soldier. The hell of slave class allowed Sparta to become such a unique society because they took care of all the agriculture and domestic labor that would have taken time from the men and women of Sparta. And they also gave the Spartans a reason

to stay physically dominant, constant fear of revolt. Number two, at age seven, Spartan boys were sent away from home to the Yagoji, the military training school that turned boys into warriors. Life in the Yagoji was harsh, like real harsh. Boys were not fed enough, exposed to the elements, had to compete in various violent physical competitions, a lot of buttfucking. By graduation at the age of 20, they were ready to begin their military training as

a hoplite soldier. Only way for a man to become a Spartan citizen was to graduate from the Egogi. Many boys died during the harsh training exercises and never even saw life as a Spartan warrior. Number three, the Battle of Thermopylae has contributed to the legend of Sparta for centuries. For three days the Spartans and their allies, but mostly the Spartans, held off the Persians until the Persians found a way to outmaneuver them and surround them at the pass of Thermopylae. 300 Spartan warriors and King Leonidas stayed behind to fight thousands of Persian soldiers. They knew they would die, but Spartans never surrendered in battle. They were

determined to die with honor, fighting to the end, to the death. This last stand has been dramatized in books, movies, and video games. Tonight we dine in hell! So good. Number four, the beginning of the end for Sparta came with their loss at Thebes at Leuctra. In 371 BC the shocking defeat turned Sparta into a second-rate power in ancient Greece. After this Sparta should experience even more military losses, be conquered or you know would experience not should, be conquered for the first time in their history and construct city conquered for the first time in their history and construct city walls for the first time ever.

They were ultimately conquered by the Macedonians, the Achaean League, and then the Romans. Number five, new info, Sparta was not just defeated by Thebes in the 371 Battle of Lucre, they were actually defeated by an army of 150 homosexual couples called the Sacred Band of Thebes. You mentioned them in another episode a long time ago. The band was meant to mimic the 300 Spartans who fought at Thermopylae. Thermopylae, my god.

Plato proposed in his symposium that an army of homosexual couples would be hard to defeat because, quote, no man is such a craven that love cannot inspire him with a courage that makes him equal to the bravest born. Some leaders throughout ancient Greece agreed with him, and in Thebes they incorporated this strategy into their military planning. Around 378 BC, Theban general Gorgonus created the Sacred Band, an elite fighting division of the Theban army. This army engaged on the front lines of several battles and helped defeat Sparta at Lucrera. To participate in the sacred band, the members had to be amazing athletes and soldiers and also be gay. One member of the couple had to be an older male in the dominant role and then the other would

be a younger man in the submissive role. Turns out, consensual butt-fucking, even more important building the best wars on the planet than non-consensual buttfucking. More you know. Welcome. Hail Nimrod. Tonight we dine in hell. The Spartans has been sucked. It's got a little something my throat there a second ago. Started different all of a sudden. Thank you to the Bad Magic Productions team for all the the help and making time suck such as Queen of Bad Magic Lindsay Cummins running operations around here Logan Keith recording this episode designing merch for the store that you can find a bad magic productions calm and

Olivia Lee providing initial research today Also, thanks to the all-seeing eyes moderating the cult of the curious private Facebook page the Mod Squad making sure discord runs smooth and everyone at the time sucks subreddit and bad magic subreddit and now let's head on over to this week's time sucker updates first update gonna address a little mistake I made last week. I messed up a little bit with my tool tripping story and didn't say the right fake name from my friend at one point. Jordan Dewey and many others caught me.

Jordan wrote in with a subject line of suck 392. Hey Dan, I'm sure I'm not the first person to point this out, but I wanted to give you a heads up that in your story with your friend that didn't want his name used, you slipped up the last time you said his name You only said Joe instead of Jason so imagine it's not a problem But I thought you might want to know Bach Bach playboy Hale Nimrod Jordan Dewey Well, who knows who knows what his name is Jordan? Could be could be Jason could be Joe could be Jason Joe could be Joe Jason could be Frank

I mean who knows really we don't know but it's all good The important part is I didn't use his last name, whatever his first name is. So, you know, JJ still has plausible deniability if necessary. Still can't believe my friend turned into an FBI agent. Was about to arrest me for some serial killings that happened when I was in grade school. So really, he deserves to be exposed. Next up, I love a good trip story. And Milo's has one. Milo's?

I'm still stuck on Greek shit. I want to like pronounce words now with like a Greek emphasis. Milo has one. Milo wrote in with the subject line of the absolutely intense, beautiful, amazing, and terrifying acid trip that sent me to the hospital for real. Here we go. Hello, Logan and Lindsay. You too, Dan.

Nice. Listening to the psychedelics episode and needed to send in my own true account of an LSD trip, gone bad, very bad, but hilarious in hindsight. This story is a tad long, but I think it's worth the telling. In the summer of 87, I was a parking lot attendant at Waterslide World in Lake George, New York, where I grew up, sounds awesome.

I was 16 and dabbled quite a bit with LSD to that point having actually recently taken my chemistry regents exam on acid. Got a 95 if memory serves me. Needless to say when a friend got some globes and moons blotter at a dead show she attended I was game as hell. My parents were strict but not too stifling so I was allowed out at night but did have a curfew so I would start a trip wandering around Lake George Village then come home and ride out the rest in my room. The backyard was always full of plants and had a street light so highly visual trips were really enjoyable with the play of light and shadow. That particular summer we also had a

massive pumpkin vine that had grown out of the compost pile which is added to the whole tableau. massive pumpkin vine that had grown out of the compost pile, which is added to the whole tableau. So there I was on a nice intense but relaxing trip watching the plants, birds, etc. doing their beautiful dances, waving about, colors gently rolling along throughout. You get it. Then out of nowhere I hear my name in a whisper, Milo. I look out and start scanning the backyard. Nothing. I chill back down then I heard again, Milo Still scanning, I cannot see a damn thing. They could possibly be speaking my name. Then I hear it in a stretched out,

it's only acid can do kind of way. Oh. Then it starts repeating my name backwards, forwards, twisted, inside out. All the while I'm starting to get a little more than a little freaked the fuck out, but can still not identify the source. In my adult state, my brain starts racing. I think I'm losing it. I can feel my heart start to race.

At first I thought it was just my imagination, but I couldn't be sure. I kept hearing the voices, my heart kept going faster. Finally my rational self-preservation instincts kick in and I go to my parents' room and wake them up. Mom, Dad, can you feel my heart rate? Not very awake. My mom puts her hand on my wrist, then bolts straight up and explains something. Oh my God, what's wrong with your heart? I respond with mom dad I'm on acid. They both, their hearts are now racing, they both jump out of bed and are obviously very angry but they're both children the 60s. While I'm pretty sure they never tripped I know my mom at least had to hold down a roommate who

was quote trying to fly from their dorm room window. Now this experience probably helped me more than anything because they immediately started talking calmly about getting dressed, getting to the hospital through gritted teeth but still one of their finer parental moments in my humble opinion. So we all get dressed, they get me into the car and we drive to the hospital 20 minutes or so away. The hospital is pretty uneventful, they monitored my heart, blood pressure, etc. because I was still quite distressed when we arrived. I got lectures from the attending doctors, etc. Not that I was really in the state to be receptive for any advice.

The only things about the hospital worth mentioning was I did see an enormous moth flutter. Yeah, not really sure I did. And the emergency room bed I was in was propped up at a weird angle. And when I went to adjust, I found that it was not propped up at all. I just thought it was. Once things settled I was discharged and went home. I woke the next morning to a rest of the summer grounding told I will be paying the emergency room bill and a hell yeah you are going to work today. Thankfully this was 1987 and the ER bill was 140 bucks. My god that's crazy it was that much cheaper than not the thousands it would have been today. At work I was relaying the story to a few friends and they started simultaneously cracking up and looking guilty. It was then that they told

me that they were outside my room calling to me trying to get me to come out. An important fact I've not mentioned yet. My bedroom was on the corner of the house and had a pair of windows on the back side of the house. The ones I was watching the backyard with and another window on the side of the house tucked into a little alcove. You probably see where this is going. While I was freaking the fuck out, thinking I was hearing voices and not seeing anything, my friends were at the other window, totally out of my view.

I was so angry, but not really at them, just at the absurdity of the situation. I was also so freaked out by the ER trip that I did not touch hallucinogens until the end of my freshman year of college, two years later, during which I lay down in the grass of the aptly named tripping fields of New Paltz, New York and let the grass gently grow around me. Milo. Milo, that was an awesome story. I love that your friends were there and your mind was inverting them saying your name. Just bending it around, twisting it inside and out. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. Also, you're a great artist. You can check

out Milo's stuff at milocaruso.com. It is aptly some trippy stuff. Love it. Yeah, if you wanted to check out Milo's stuff. And now a Churches of Christ update from Name Redacted, subject line of Churches of Christ. I got several of these regarding my confusion when it came to the organization of these churches. I talked about this in the recent Skinny Folks Go to Heaven Remnant Fellowship Suck. Excuse me. Hey Dan, I'm a long time listener and lifelong Churches of Christ member. I'm only 25 minutes into this week's episode, but I wanted to maybe clear up a few things about the admittedly sometimes crazy and confusing practices and ideals of the Church of Christ. Each individual, each, oh my god, each individual, it's from that stupid commercial I did. I yelled so much it made my nose

start running. Each individual church gets their name from Romans 16, 16, where the apostle Paul uses the name for the first time. That is why there are so many churches with the same name but no affiliation with each other. Like you mentioned, the name is just an indication that the individual church is attempting to practice as closely to the original first century church as possible than one being established in the New Testament. The reason why we don't have any overarching leadership, while admittedly it probably would help with the confusion that people encounter like you did,

is because there was no authority for inter-congregational leadership given in the New Testament. You are right, eh, sort of, that we do try to follow the Bible as closely as possible, but it's the New Testament that we adhere to. The Old Testament is not something we are bound by anymore. It was the law of Moses, Jewish law, and that was done away with when he arose from the dead and the new church was established. So while your example from Deuteronomy is ridiculous, it's definitely not something that any COC has ever thought needed to

be followed. All that to say, I do get it though, the non-denominational aspect but then having an internal website that doesn't really include any churches aside from the US but also each different church website can say different and contradicting things can be very confusing. I've been told that the COC is a cult before, but it definitely, at least the different churches I've been a member of over the course of my 33 years, doesn't fit your definition of a cult. We really are just trying to do our best to live our lives according to Jesus' teachings. I'm just a meat sack trying to love other meat sacks. Oh, that's great. I hope I cleared it up a little bit for you. Wow, I'm realizing how long this email is,

but I'm definitely not sorry about it. If you do happen to read this on the show, please leave out my name, just in case there are other sinful COC members listening to your devil podcast. Ha, three out of five stars wouldn't change a thing. Your loyal spaces are blank. Yeah, that actually does help, anonymous naughty pants.

Listen to this filth. But for real, it does though. Basically, if I understand it correctly now, the churches are not a real denominational branch of Christianity per se. They're all just modeled after the same source. A bunch of independent places modeling themselves after one place, but not affiliated in any way with each other. So I do get it now. Unusual in the sense that that structure is not very common, but not actually that confusing when you look at it the correct way. So thank you. And now one more quick trip tale. From Matt in South Carolina, Matt wrote in with the subject

line of psychedelic potpourri. Oh shrewming suck master and tripping teller of Nimrod, I have a few quick funnies revolving around psychedelics. First off, about 15 years ago when I lived in Atlanta, a friend of mine found some mushrooms in the pasture next to his house that had psilocybin purple crystals on them, rather than just the purple spores. After our own research, we sent some caps to High Times and they ranked them the third best they ever had. Basically, if you ate two caps and they were big, mind you, think portobello caps in the grocery store, you would vomit after 30 minutes and then hold on.

I remember laughing uncontrollably because my arm fell off and I couldn't pick it up to put it back on. That night I saw crocodiles reaching out of the Chattahoochee River to feed on bats. My friend slept in the woods because a bear told him going back to my apartment was dangerous. Jesus Christ. And another friend spent three hours tracing the entire pattern of my wallpaper from the porch door all the way around the apartment and back to where he started. Needless to say, I severely miss having access to hallucinogens and I'm jealous of your every story. Also on a side note,

psychedelics caused me to come and slaw myself at one of your shows. On your Bernadol Down Tour, I was on a Saturday night show in Charlotte, North Carolina. Someone in the crowd yelled out Dan Cummins 2024, which you chuckled at. Then to follow it up, I yelled out DMT for everyone. Or you thought I yelled that out. I don't know if you remember, but you replied, what? To my horror, I realized I had yelled out GHB for everyone. As in the date rape drug.

As a deer in headlights response, I just answered you, I don't know. Which at least got a laugh from everyone, but believe me, I got the side eye from every female the rest of the night. Nimrod blessed my wife Brandy, who kept informing everyone I only buy drinks for her. I would apologize for length, but I can tell and listen to tripping stories for hours on end. If you do read this on an update, give a shout out to my wife Brandy. She's always ready to back up my stupidity Hopefully one day we'll be able to get some mind health and serenade each other with 80s power balance Yes, hell Nimrod much more than the great God am way and keep on sucking South Carolina space is your mat

Yes, first off Brandi Shout out to you. Thanks for thanks for being Matt's champion care of him when he says dumb things, which we all do. Yeah, Matt, thanks for sending in this message. Sorry, I don't remember which Charlotte show that happened. I can't always hear what people say when they yell in the audience. If I would have heard you yell GHB, I'm pretty sure we would have discussed that for quite some time. Also, I didn't know that High Times ranked psychedelics or that they accepted drugs in the mail. I thought that'd be too dangerous like they'd be nervous to get in trouble. That's awesome. Why don't they have a lab? Sounds like you were on one hell of a trip. Hard visuals while so scary in

the moment. Man they're so fun to think about later. I still think about those two fucking DMT entities on my porch that one night. Our brains especially when tripping man they can manufacture some just weird, magical, strange stuff. Thanks for the messages, everybody, and if you are going to trip, be safe. Thanks, time suckers. I needed that. We all did. Thanks for listening to another Bad Magic Productions podcast. Scared to death, time suck each week.

Short sucks and nightmare fuel on the time suck and scared to death podcast feeds. Fridays of some weeks. Please do not dedicate your entire life to becoming really good at fighting in a phalanx this week. It doesn't matter anymore. How good you get it. You can be the best ever. You can be better than any Spartan. I can still just easily shoot you. So don't do that. Just calm down and maybe go to the gym. Sweat off your Spartan dreams. Get them out of your system. Come back home and

just keep on sucking. A couple real quick fun facts. Did you know that today I said buttfucking 19 times? 20 now. 20 times. Saying buttfucking in one episode. 21 now. And that doesn't even count all the weird Spartan way, you know, fitness ad stuff.

21 times is, that's a dead giveaway that it was a pretty fun episode. We eat ribs with this dude But we didn't buy the glue That that girl put in that house She said please help me get it out Then I gave away