Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 41 - Blood and Glory: True Tales of the Texas Rangers

Episode Date: June 26, 2017

If it weren't for the Texas Rangers, Texas probably wouldn't be a state today. These wild, eccentric frontiersman rode into battle on crippled legs, gun wound shortened arms, shot horseshoes out of cannons and did whatever it took to get the job done and win independence from Mexico. Meet the real Walker, Texas Ranger, meet the man who brought down Bonnie and Clyde, and learn some gritty Texas history along the way. Timesuck goes deep in the heart of Texas to tell Texas-sized tales of it's first and fierce lawmen.  Today's timesuck sponsors!  ApplicationNinja.com Get one month of the most affordable, customizable, and user friendly Application Management Software on the market for free and hire the best employees for your business with ease.  Simlisafe! Powerful window and door sensors, 105 decibel sirens, 24/7 security professionals waiting to send police to your home, and more for only $15 a month! Get 10% off of the best home security system on the market and slip easy by going to Simplisafe.com/listen Own the best luggage on the market when you buy from Away! Stylish and virtually indestructible, with amazing features like a carry on with a USB charger capable of charging an iPhone five times over! Get $20 off by using the promo code TIMESUCK after heading to awaytravel.com/timesuck

Who are the Texas Rangers? Well, in this episode, they're not the Arlington, Texas-based baseball team that originated as a Washington Senators in 1961 after the original Washington Senators moved to Minnesota and became a twins. And then the new Senators moved from Washington, D.C. to Texas in 1972. Uh-uh. Today, the Texas Rangers we're going to be talking about is not the team that professional flamethrower, Nolan, I have no problem putting Robin Ventura in a headlock and punch in his noggin repeatedly, Ryan, through 301 strikeouts

for 1989 and only 239 innings of work at the age of 42. When he can still throw 97 miles an hour of heat like a goddamn cyborg created by SkyNet. We're not talking about those Rangers. We're talking about the original Texas Rangers before the baseball team, before the lone ranger, before Chuck Norris Walker Texas Ranger. Think Chuck Norris is tough? Well, he is. He's very tough, much tougher than myself.

He was Black Belt magazine's 1969 fighter of the year and six time world karate champion for fuck's sake, dude held his own with Bruce Lee. But he's not as tough as the real Walker Texas Ranger, Samuel Hamilton Walker. six-time world karate champion for fuck's sake, dude held his own with Bruce Lee. But he's not as tough as the real Walker Texas Ranger, Samuel Hamilton Walker, a man who escaped from the Mexican military to join the Texas Rangers, and designed, along with gunmaker, Sam Colt, the infamous 44 caliber Walker Colt, the largest and most powerful black powder repeating handgun ever made. Or Frank Hamer, remember him?

The man who came out of retirement to end Bonnie and Clyde's reign of terror. The man who legend has it survived 50 gun fights. How many gun fights have you been in? I'm sitting at zero and hoping to keep him that way. Alright, no intention of a gun fight. Or how about John Harris Rogers, who had some of the bone removed in his arm after being shot in the shoulder by bandits in 1889, but instead of retiring,

had a Winchester rifle modified to fit his shortened arm and stayed in law enforcement for an additional 31 years. Who the fuck does that? Real life heroes do that. So kick back, shut your yellow-bellied mouth and prepare your soft 21st century ass for some tales of true grit Tails of heroism sacrifice

Hardship and the wild western bad ass area of the men who cried one riot one ranger Slip off your spurs pour yourself the tall glasses of warm whiskey and get ready for thick hair to sprout forth from your chest in This old time to stosterone laced edition of TimeSuck. Happy Monday everybody. I'm Dan Comments and thanks for mosing on back over to TimeSuck. Today's Texas Ranger TimeSuck is brought to you by application ninja dot com. A company ran by one of your very own time suckers. How cool is that? Long time time sucker who first emailed me months ago to say you like to show that you'd

like to sponsor some day down the road and that's some day is today. You know what sucks in a good way about having your own business or running the business? Doing it your way. You know what sucks in a bad way? Not having time to run things your way because you're spending hours a week, time you don't have figured out who to hire to take your business to the next level. This is where application Ninja.com comes in. Application Ninja.com allows a business of any size to completely customize their employment application system online and do so within minutes. What other job application software offers you complete and total customization?

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management software on the market. And unlike other application software, this one has ninja in the title. How often do you get the opportunity to work with a Ninja? And you get a free 30-day trial. No contracts, cancel any time, so support a time sucker, support yourself in your business. Help it run smoothly. Make your life easier. No matter how big or small your business is, whether you own it, manage it or both, you can make it so much simpler, make the hiring process so much easier by heading to application

Ninja.com today. Okay, time for a few thank yous. Thanks to Lamar Jose, who's been dying for this episode, requested numerous times across numerous social media platforms for months. Hope it lives up to the expectations, brother. Big thank you to TimeSucker Sarah Lilly, a new TimeSuck intern and member of the Bojangles research team. She's a research machine and I cannot thank her enough for organizing this episode's content

and giving me everything I needed to give you guys a fine, texasized suck and she gave me so much stuff. Couldn't fit it all in, but I think I got the stuff that I found most interesting and I hope you enjoy it. Thanks as always to all you suckheads, all you time suckers for all the iTunes reviews, getting closer and closer to that Vlad the Impaler Dracula bonus suck. Thanks for all the subscriptions, used to the, used to the Amazon and PayPal buttons at time suckpodcast.com for the recommendations for others to listen.

Appreciate you spreading the suck. The suck has grown to somewhere around 100,000 people, actually I think more depending on just based on recent downloads and it just blows my mind. I thought maybe, maybe. I could get to that number by the end of the year if everything worked out like a dream. Can't believe it's here already. Thanks for continuing to listen.

Do my best to stay on top of this time suck horse, just like in galloping forward. And I love how hungry some of you are for this suck and how you continually want more. I really do love it. When you want more episodes per week, I know a lot of you requested two episodes a week, more silliness in the store.

Thanks for buying those sweet, bojangles, summer teas in addition to the flat earth and first generation teas, by the way. I know I'm out of numerous sizes in the first couple of t-shirts and I'm working to remedy that. And I added a bunch of pictures of time suckers wearing them last week to my Instagram

at Dancommon's Comedy. But I also know that, you know, more of you student suckers wearing them last week to my Instagram at Dan Cummins Comedy. But I also know that, you know, more of you student suckers have been using the suck as a resource for presentations and research papers. I never anticipated that, but I think it's fucking awesome. And I know you want book lists for the episodes. You know, for research, for further reading,

for to cite as a source and reports and things, you'd like downloadable show notes with the bibliography for some more sucking. And I wanna do all that. And we're going to do all that in time. For me, the end goal of this podcast is having an online community built on shared curiosity, a place where for a tiny membership fee of a few bucks a month, a fee had to charge to hire someone to run this new sweet time-soaked app I would like designed and a new website with tons of extra content, like lots of content. I want a place where you can have show tons of extra content, like lots of content.

I want a place where you can have show notes for each episode, you can have a message board where you and other listeners can discuss the information thrown out into each episode as deeply as you want. You can update each other instead of just me, a place where you can meet other time suckers, form new friendships, maybe even form new romantic relationships built on a shared sense of humor and curiosity.

Why not have a dating site, you know, on the new app? You know, kick off some serious sucking. I actually think that would be really cool. I hear women complain all the time, especially on social media about how many gross, bros before hose type douchebags are out there in the dating pool, and I hear good dudes complain all the time about how women don't seem to be interested in finding good dudes. Let's change that. 99.9% of the hundreds of messages I get every month now are from people who seem super

fucking cool. Whether they agree with me, disagree, almost always. I'm talking 99.9% of the time, super respectful and super cool, and I think it's time some of you cool single suckers found each other. You know, because if you're gonna fuck somebody, why not fuck somebody cool? That could be the motto of the dating app, you guys. Fucks would be cool with an asterisk. At the bottom of the page,

you could have like, after getting to know them, at least a little bit, respecting them as a human, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then, you know, fucking them in a consensual manner according to their tastes. But seriously,

it could be a place where all the possible show topics could be organized into a list, you know, because you keep sending them in. And maybe like an image or type thing, you could vote up, upvote the topics you wanna hear, downvote the ones, you're less curious about. And really as a community decide what the next week's episode is gonna be,

at least one of them, maybe one where I kinda pick out of your options and then one where you pick. I think, you know, democratize the suck, let's do it. Let's get this app going. You know, have bonus episodes kind of like a talking dead walking dead thing where I could have a Q&A episode each week, taking a discussion of the previous week's episodes even further. We can do so much cool shit and we're going to. Listership has grown over 10 fold since beginning this year because if you share in this podcast with those around you and if listenership can double one more time, if we can get to 200,000

people, I'm going to just going to figure it out. I promise I will just figure out how to make this thing a reality. We'll do it. So, so know that I read all those emails. I read all the messages. I'm working as fast as I can to give you what you want and give you what I want. I fucking love this. So, that's my goal.

I hope you're into it. And if you're listening and you happen to specialize in app and web development, cause I don't know shit about either. I can barely handle a WordPress website. Hit me up at admin at timesockpodcast.com. Would love to talk to you about how we can take this to a really cool place.

And now time for some time sucker updates. This is the kind of shit that makes me want to launch that community I spoke of earlier with the app. Okay, first one says, I'm writing to let you know, one of your podcast episodes helped with my last final of my college career, my final questions regarding the McMartin preschool case. Fortunately, I listen every week and got my suck on during the Scientology episode. Most of these topics are actually something discussed in class such as Jim Jones, Scientology,

etc. I appreciate your time and effort into these podcasts. Also, if this makes it to Aaron Monday, you can give a shout out to Eileen. Can you give a shout out to Eileen, my girlfriend of two years. Saturday, May 27th will be our two-year anniversary together and I want to surprise her with this shout out. Thanks again. Can't wait to hear from you, keep on sucking Andrew Tau.

Well, sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late Andrew. I got way behind on emails. Trying to stand top. Those come up with a new system to do that. So sorry, I took forever, but I hope I lean to listen now. I hope you're still together.

Hope this shout-out is not just adding to the pain of a recent breakup, where it all fell apart. I hope that's not the case. So congrats you, suckers. Hope you're happy. And I'm glad you could use some of the sucked for some school stuff. And a super inspiring message. This is from Mac Woodbury on Instagram at M Woodbury 99. He says, Hey, Mr. Cummins, my name is Mac Woodbury. I'm an 18 year old

high school student in a Michigan prep school called Cran's Brook Kingswood. You are hands down. My favorite comment. I love the suck. I wanted to message you to say thank you. The past two years of my life have been very difficult. I've been boarding away with my family for four years now, and I've had to deal with a lot of shit by myself. All the freshman year, I was bullied and had no friends. Sophomore year was the same situation. Junior year was just as difficult when I actually got friends they were expelled.

I was diagnosed with depression following that. I'm not mentally healthy as what I'm getting at. Anyway, your humor is something that helps take my mind off the bad thoughts that constantly I was diagnosed with depression following that, I'm not mentally healthy is what I'm getting at. Anyway, your humor is something that helps take my mind off the bad thoughts that constantly entangle my head. Your comedy and your endless curiosity is a reminder to me that there is good in the world. I love this podcast. It has been a literal life saver.

I hope one day to meet you, master sucker. Thank you for all the knowledge and last. Keep on sucking. And then a separate message. Just had a friend die from an accidental overdose acquired his heroine from the dark web Sad day thanks for making me smile during hard times Well, Mac first off so sorry life has been handing you Handling you a little roughly lately second

Honored that I could help out in some small way and third condolences regarding your friend and fourth. I love you buddy Love that you're fine and humor amidst the darkness. Love that you're fine with some curiosity in life, amidst some death. And just honor to have you as a fan. Don't stop suckin' motherfucker, all right? And yeah, this is again, I'm just so glad that there's just a little community developing

where we can find more than just a little knowledge and some laughs. That makes me feel great, man. I'm glad I could help in some small way. And last, a little bit of love. We're gonna end up with some love with this time suck update. This is from Michelle Kinkan on Instagram. She says, my suck head husband introduced me to Timesack

a couple months back and we love it. He's currently deployed. And even though we don't get to talk too often, he keeps listing overseas and we keep checking in to chat about our thoughts on the episode. So thanks, Sergeant Sucker, for bringing two people on opposite sides of this flat earth, a little closer. Hope you come to Maryland, when he gets back in the States,

we'll be getting a babysitter and getting our suck on. Keep on sucking Michelle. That's fucking beautiful, Michelle. The suck has brought together people from my own family as well. My kids and I have intense discussions about the subjects. I talked to my sister, Donna, more now than I have in years. She's gonna help research an episode. My dad and I have great talks about the topics so to my wife and I and even my in-laws

Recently, it just gives us all something to talk about. I've never been good at small talk I've always found it maddening and I just love having something interesting to dig into now and so now Let's get some even more interesting stuff to share. Thank you guys so much for all the emails Tall tales that are actually true. Let's talk about them and let's get some even more interesting stuff to share. Thank you guys so much for all the emails, tall tales that are actually true. Let's talk about them and let's suck on some Texas Rangers. Okay. Good day. Good day.

Good time, sucker, updates. All right, so who are they? Who the hell are the Texas Rangers? Well, over the past century, two competing images of the Texas Rangers have emerged, both in scholarly studies and in popular thought. There's the cartoonishly brave and honorable version presented by Professor Walter Prescott Webb of the University of Texas in 1935.

I presented an image of men who were quiet, deliberate, righteous, men who could be gentle and kind, men who could also gaze calmly into the eye of a murderer, divine his thoughts, anticipate his action, and ride straight up to death, men who knew no fear and called on unlimited reserves of courage. You know, just regular nights in shining armor. And then beginning in the 1960s, revisionist scholars drew a darkly contrasting portrait. They depicted a brutal, lollus ranger, one who, as a soldier, indiscriminately dehumanized and slaughtered Native Americans in Mexicans like Ruthless Lawmen, who systematically practiced Le Dofwega, law of the fugitive in which prisoners were routinely shot while supposedly trying to escape.

Hard, cold, racist men who shot first and asked questions later. So who were they? Were they the preposterously virtuous heroes who inspired Hollywood to produce the lone Ranger TV series that ran from 1949 to 1957? The 1989 Lonesome Dove mini-series, some of my dad's favorite hours of television, by the way. Were they the men who inspired Chuck Norris' walker Texas Ranger that ran for eight seasons from 93 to 2001?

And somehow didn't manage to produce one memorable quoteable line. Over 9,000 television minutes of programming, you don't hate, but can't remember what exactly you watched half an hour after you're done watching it, impressive in a weird way. Or were they the villains more akin to the warden character in Paul Newman's cool hand loop?

Just what we've got here is failure to communicate. Just some, you know, it's kind of sadistic, sadistic power trippers. I'm guessing like almost everybody, you know, there was somewhere in the middle between bad and good. The real rangers probably weren't all good. Yeah, I'm sure they weren't, and I'm sure they weren't all bad either.

But they were definitely tough as hell. All right, well, let's not speculate and start examining some facts. And then, you know, you draw your own conclusions as to whether they were mostly brave men fighting for what was right and protecting people, or mostly bloodthirsty killers who happened to be on the right side of a badge. Not much different than the men they tracked and killed. Or, you know, a little bit of both.

So let's give an overview of the organization, the small time suck timeline, and then bounce out and look a little more closely at some of its most famous rangers. Shrap on those boots soldier, we're marching down a time suck timeline. Okay, so the beginning of the Texas Rangers in 1823, only two years after Anglo-American colonization formally began in Texas, Stephen F. Austin and Emprasario, a person who had been granted the right to settle on land in exchange for recruiting and taking responsibility for the new settlers.

A man known as the founder of Texas hired 10 experienced frontiers men as Rangers for a punitive expedition against a band of Native Americans that had attacked some of his initial colonists. Now the origin has definitely added to their legend. They didn't start off as a trained army. You know, it was so much rougher than that. No barracks, no uniforms, just some dudes. So Americans, living in Mexico, some of those first unofficial Rangers, possibly citizens of Mexico, some of them would become a citizen of Mexico, bringing their own guns from home, riding their own horses, sleeping out into the stars as they battle Native Americans and then later battle Mexicans, who had recently laid claim to Texas after winning independence

from Spain in 1821. Previously, Spain and the US had disagreed about who actually owned Spain thanks to some ambiguous language detailing land boundaries in the Louisiana Purchase. Thomas Jefferson was like, I'm pretty sure the line should look this way. And then he kind of swoop way down towards Mexico when he was pointing at the map. And then the Spaniards were like, ah, nice deep more kind of like this.

And they'd sweep the line up to Oklahoma and Nebraska or somewhere. It's like there were two kids trying to divide up one cookie into, quote unquote, equal hats. Well, the US had bought approximately 828,000 square miles of land from Napoleon's France in 1803 in Louisiana, purchase. Land Napoleon had recently acquired from Spain in a deal made in 1799. And then again, after the deal, both the Spaniards and the Americans thought they laid claim to the land that is now Texas.

Meanwhile, I'm sure various large Native American tribes, such as the Comanche and Cherokee, were like, fuck all you people. Real cool how you ask holes or fighting over which one of you owns the land were still living on. Can you imagine that? What is some new type of human with weapons unlike any weapons you've seen suddenly showed up in your backyard and started fighting over your property. God damn the tribes got the shaft. How much the Native Americans hate Europeans in 16th to 19th century during the big transition from native control to European control? I'm sure there's a lot of hatred now still.

You know, you would live in your hunter-gatherer lifestyle, undisturbed for centuries by anyone other than you know, other hunter-gatherers, you know, you know, just the military technology, you know, comparatively primitive. You have the occasional bone arrow fight with other tribes. You throw some spears, take some scouts, sucks to fight, but at least you got to fight in chance against your enemies, against all your enemies. And then here comes some cocky white assholes on horses. Native Americans didn't even have horses. Not until the Spanish conquisitador, Hernán Cortez introduced them to America in 1519. They hadn't been horses in the North America for hundreds, if not thousands of years before that.

And these assholes, they got their gunpowder boomsticks. Native Americans didn't have gunpowder. The biggest weapon Europeans had was invisible to them and the Native Americans at a small box. Tribes hadn't built up immunity over center of his exposure and many times the battle with the tribe was over before a single shot him in fire, with the initial settlers.

And then these assholes, they just set up shop in your land, don't ask permission, just do it. Most of your family get sick, dies, do nothing to show up and then if you get pissed and tell them to get off your property, they don't fucking care. And then when you snap because they don't care and you kill a few of them, they call

for a whole bunch of other white dudes to come and just fucking slaughter you. Kill far more than you kill, and somehow you're the savage. And look, I understand the world's been shaped by war since the very beginning. One civilization conquering the next, and I'm glad European settled North America because if they didn't I wouldn't be here. But I still feel terrible for Native Americans. Holy shit, they could fuck over. No matter who was fighting who, the Spanish, the British, the French, the Mexicans, the

Americans, one group always lost, and that was the tribes. Even when they won, they lost. Because winning a battle here and there just meant that the nation who citizens you attacked was going to fuck you over twice as hard as anyone you ever fucked over. The revenge was always worse than the initial attack. Oh my God. But anyway, back to the rest of what life was like when the Rangers were forming in Texas. In 1819, back to Louisiana Persuade Disagreement, Spain and the US were going back and forth

about who should control Texas. And then in 1819, the Adams-Onees Treaty was signed with Spain, which gave, Spain gave Florida to the US in exchange. The US gave up its claim to Texas and let Spain have it. Also in 1819 was the panic of 1819. The first time the new country of America, the United States, had a long, protracted economic collapse that lasted until 1821. And, and what because of the panic of 1819, some Americans wanted to leave the new country to create better financial opportunities for themselves. People like Stephen F. Austin.

Stephen F. Austin moved roughly 300 American settlers into Spanish Texas in 1821, and a deal his father Moses Austin who worked out with the Spanish governor in 1820 to settle some of the land and manage it, but then on August 24th, 1821, Mexico achieved independence from Spain, and basically the deal with Stephen F. Austin is null and void. So Stephen F. Austin, I assume that's what the F stood for, traveled to Mexico City to work out a new deal with the new government and he got it done. He was still allowed to have his American settlers and be in Eprasario. And then the 1820s all the way until 1836, really weird time in the history of Texas in

Mexico. Mexico has now laid claim to the land in present day Texas. The U.S. has ceded to Spain and they want to settle it. But they don't have enough people. So they encourage immigration. So they let some American settle it as long as those Americans agree to cultivate the land, take care of the land, govern themselves with these emphrasarios essentially,

and become Mexican citizens and also convert to Catholicism. I love that part. You're welcome to settle our land and live amongst our people, but you will respect Mother Mary. You will respect the same thing that priesthood or you can get the fuck out. How times have changed though, right? In 1821, Americans were leaving America and heading to Mexico for better financial opportunities. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.

Interesting thing to keep in mind, presently, with the general state of fuck out of my country vibe, going around many parts of the US of A. I'm not for letting in any and all immigrants and collapse in the entire economy. That's just ridiculous, but no one knows what the future holds. And someday some of us could be begging some other nation to let us in so we can provide for our families. We're all just trying to get by and improve our lives

at the end of the day. So, you know, let's play nice. Let's play nice as much as possible. Anyway, Americans moving to Mexico was Stephen Fuckin Austin, Stephen Fuckin A, but the transition isn't smooth because Mexico is a brand new country and there is a significant amount of turmoil within its government. Mexico had nine different leaders during the first 12 years of its existence. There was military coups, constant wars, resignations, a lot of turnover. But the land, these new settlers were getting, made all this turmoil worth it.

Those initial 300 settlers got 640 acres for each head of the family. 320 acres more if there was a wife. 160 additional acres for each child, and 80 more acres for each slave. That's right, a slave. Let's talk about that for a moment. Let's talk about that word and what it means

and collectively unpucker our buttholes before we move on. Remember how I talked a second ago about Native Americans always losing during this period of history? Well, African Americans were right there with them. Natives and Africans fighting for the right to claim who got the shittiest end of the shit stick. Examining this period of history is always hard

because even the good guys had slaves, you know, most of the time, which begs the question, can you be a good guy and be a slave owner? And that's a tough question, but I think it's important to remember that just like African Americans didn't ask or want to be born into a period when they were enslaved, European settlers also didn't ask to be born into a period of history when other humans were being

enslaved. And it's also worth noting that colonial Europeans did not invent slavery. That's rarely talked about for some reason. Far from it, the point is rarely brought up in discussions of American slavery as if evil European settlers just invented the entire concept. Well, slavery was not some new evil white Americans concocted in their evil imperialistic hearts. No, African tribes have been enslaving each other for centuries, Middle Eastern civilization had slaves, Europeans had enslaved each other in various forms numerous times over throughout millennia. There have been slaves for hundreds and hundreds of years

was times over throughout millennia. There have been slaves for hundreds and hundreds of years in Asian civilizations, the Romans had slaves, etc. You know, it doesn't get talked about as much but various Native American tribes from the top of Canada all the way down to the bottom of South America also had slaves before Europeans showed up. It was in their history. Throughout history, slavery has also been instituted along racial lines in Europe, Africa, Asia, Americas. That concept wasn't introduced by European colonists either. And I just bring all this up to illustrate the world was just very fucking different back then. I think it's so easy to be to look back into history and say, well, the fuck could they do that? I would never do that. Bullshit. You're using, you're saying that now, you know, if you were born 200 years

ago, statistically speaking, you probably would have done the same goddamn things. Don't kid yourself under the guise of some unreasonably noble kind of revisionist thinking. You'd act the same way because you would think about life and equality in the comparatively sophisticated terms of the day, you wouldn't think about it, sorry, in the sophisticated terms of the day. You'd be using your early 19th century noggin

to do that thinking for you. And that brain isn't as good in some ways or is socially evolved as a brain you have now. Back then slavery was just a way of life. You know, when society in mass was only beginning to question it. So who knows how future humans will judge our current morals? I think about that. You know, why do you drive to work instead of riding a bike? Bike is better for both you and the environment. 200 years from now, if the ozone layer is fucking shot, maybe future humans will look back and think, fucking assholes, they're so selfish.

They didn't care about the future, they didn't care about future generations. So I wanna put their lazy asses in a car. But most of us don't think that way now, we just fucking drive, because it's easier, just the way things operate. So sorry, I probably went on a little too long with that part. I just know that whenever I run into these, supposed good guys in a period of history when those guys had slaves, I just have this, oh man, seriously,

fuck. How am I supposed to think? You're cool, George Washington, you dickhead slave-owned and motherfucker. So I have to take a second to recalibrate my mind and remind myself that while slavery was never ever cool, it was normal for the time in a way we'll never be able to truly understand now. But again, I digress. We're heading back to Texas. But before we get there, let's talk about staying safe. All right?

Today's Texas Ranger Time Suck Timeline is brought to you by Simply Safe. You don't need 19th century Texas Rangers patrolling your property to get a good night's sleep. And I really doubt your neighbors would appreciate their horses and rifles. Getting a good night's sleep is easier said than done, especially if you think you just heard noise downstairs. Think about it. Ah, freaks me out when that happens. What are you doing that situation? You could turn all the lights and keep watch, just not sleep.

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night second guest in your home safety, get simply safe and get some rest. Go to simplysafe.com. Slash Listen and get a special 10% discount when you order today. Again, that's simplysafe.com slash listen. That's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E-S-L-I-S-T-E-N for 10% off of your order. Simplysafe.com. Slash, listen. Okay, now that you're safe, let's get back to the weird and personal period of Texas's US settlement history. Steven Fuckinay Austin's compensation for service in obtaining land, duly surveyed with title, delivered to his expense was to be at a rate of 12.5 cents an acre. A colonist could reduce the normal grant to fit his or her, well, I just added my own

21st century brain there. I was going to say his or her resources, but the women weren't allowed in on the deal. His resources, or with Austin's permission, augmented. Austin's permit was granted by Spanish officials. He'd make some money bringing colonists to settle the land. The settlers get to be landowners for working the land. The Native Americans get killed because they don't get to fuck off the land The slaves get beat for being unlucky enough to live on that land and Mexico gets to expand the banners of its land So everybody wins except slaves and natives They get fucked over as they did constantly in the 19th century but then

Tensions started to mount between Mexico's new government and the Stephen fucking a Austin crew. The government keeps changing the law regarding emphrasarios and Stephen has to keep getting exemptions for his sellers to keep him getting kicked to fuck out of Texas. Super annoying. He is like, so over it you guys. And then Mexico abolishes slavery in 1829 when Vicente Guero, a hero in Mexico's fight for independence from Spain becomes a Mexico second president. He was half African, half a mestizo, which is a mix of Spanish and indigenous Mexican. Look at that Mexico figure that shit out 30 years before the U.S. The slave owning settlers are not fans of this. This was not the deal they

signed up for. They're not interested in releasing their slaves. They're very content to remain dehumanizing racist profiteers. Meanwhile, more settlers have been moving in to Texas from America and just squatting on the Mexican land that Mexico doesn't have the power or the manpower to patrol. They've just finished fighting the Spaniards and now they're in constant battles with the Pachies and Commandchies who are attacking their settlers. And the Mexicans aren't happy to discover that American settlers are supplying the Pachies and Commandchies with guns to fight the Mexicans.'t happy to discover that American settlers are supplying the Apaches and Comanches with guns to fight the Mexicans.

Things are getting mullymall. April 6, 1830. Mexico bans any further Americans from immigrating to Mexico. They're pissed. Now tensions are really building between American settlers and the Mexican government. Adding even further to this tension, Americans keep pouring into Texas illegally. And again, the irony of talking about this now, complete Bizarre World flipped around. Americans just pouring into Texas, you know, i.e. Mexico illegally.

And the new illegal American settlers don't give a shit about the Mexican government or converting to Catholicism. They start wearing t-shirts to say, fuck Mother Mary. Mm-hmm. The men start jerking off openly in front of priests. Most of whom kind of into it, the women start wearing crosses between their giant fake breasts and they have contests to see who can give the priests,

the biggest boners, so big that they can see them poking out of the priest's robes. Never works because the priests are usually thinking about dudes jerking off. Okay, all right, all right. I didn't take it quite that far. That got weird. But they really don't even pretend to be right. I didn't take it quite that far. That got weird.

But they really don't even pretend to be Catholic. They don't care about any of the laws. And Mexico is not happy about it. And then after a decade of political and cultural classes, clashes between the Mexican government and the increasingly large population of American settlers in Texas hostilities erupted violently in October 19th or 1835. In the early 1830s, the Mexican army had loaned the citizens of Gonzales,

one of the first Anglo settlements in Texas in a town of about a 7,000 people today, a small cannon for protection against Native American rates. But then after a Mexican soldier bludgeoned a Gonzales resident on September 10th, 1835, probably arguing about Mother Mary, tensions between the government and the town grew to the point that the government didn't feel comfortable

leaving the settlers in charge of that cannon. And a small force about 100 men came to take the cannon back, about 100 Mexican soldiers. And the settlers, fearing they'd be slaughtered if the cannon was taken, were like, hey guys, Mucho fucked that, Mirada. And in the early hours of October 2, approximately 140 Anglo-Tex and volunteers attacked the

Mexican soldiers. The skirmish was brief. Only two Mexican soldiers were killed and one Texan wounded, but the Mexicans retreated without their cannon. News of this, you know, uh, victory, if you can call it that. I guess it was on some small victory, but a victory spread throughout Texas and just like that, a revolution has begun. And in the middle of this new revolution, the Texas Rangers are officially born.

1835, November 24th, 1835, newly appointed Texas lawmakers fighting for independence from Mexico institute a specific force known as the Texas Rangers. This initial organization had a complement of 56 men and three companies, each officer by a captain and two lieutenants, whose immediate superior and leader had the rank of major and was subject to the commander-in-chief of the regular army. The major was responsible for enlisting recruits and 14 rules and applying discipline. Offers received the same pay as the United States' privates, buck 25 a day, however they supplied their own mounts, equipment, arms, and rations. At all times, they had to be ready to ride, equipped with a good and sufficient horse,

with 100 rounds of powder and ball. In these early days, Rangers usually joined for three to six months. This would change to a longer period later on. There was no uniform or flag, and there wasn't the traditional military regulation and discipline. They didn't have time for that shit. They were scrambling to form this new country, and they just had to get get stuff done and they had to get it done quickly. And I love that they weren't drafted military. You know, they were just the toughest frontiers been around who were willing to ride and die for their new little colony they were forming. And the first leader of

the Rangers, the first major was 31-year-old Robert McAlpine Williamson, a man who at the age of 15 had contracted tuberculosis arthritis that caused his right leg to permanently stiffened at a 90 degree angle. In order to walk a wooden leg had to be fastened to his knee because of this, he later acquired the nickname, Three Legged Willie. And this Three Legged son of a bitch would later receive 640 acres for participating in the Battle of San Jacinto, a battle he fought in on horseback. Bojangles keeps a photo of Willie above the bar and is then to gaze at for inspiration.

Not a lot of three-legged heroes out there to be inspired by. How fucking crazy is that? One of his legs is permanently bent at a 90 degree angle. He cannot straighten one of his legs ever. And he's like, you know what? I want to fight with the Rangers. Someone had to say something like, oh, hey, Willie, how about you helping a different way?

That'd be cool. Maybe you could sit at a desk and file papers or you could sit at a desk and help plan battles. Or you know what, what if you sat at a desk and stayed out of everyone's way? And he was like, fuck you, Gary. I'm not just joining the Rangers. I'm leaving the Rangers. I will hop upon joining the Rangers. I'm leading the Rangers.

I will hop upon my steed and I will shed Mexican blood. And they were like, all right, all right, Willie, shit. Jesus, calm down. I hate it when you get that crazy look in your eye. Craves to me to fuck out. Fine, you can, you can lead the Rangers. I'm putting a picture of this three-legged Willie up at timesuppodcast.com,

along with the episode description. So you can see I'm not bullshitting by the way. There's even a statue of this dude. this bad ass son of a bitch in Georgetown, Texas. It's there today. It's across McCowney Courthouse. Well, okay, February 23rd through April 21st 1836, the Rangers joined the fight for independence, helping recover supplies from the ruins of the Battle of the Alamo, then they joined the fight, the Battle of San Jacinto on April 21st, where the cry cry remember the Alamo was heard, the battle that won Texas Independence from Mexico. The earliest Texas ranger started to make a name for themselves in these early battles

of independence. March 2, 1836, the Republic of Texas is formed and announces itself to the world as a new North American nation. The U.S. wants to annex Texas and make it a state and Texas is into this is well but Mexico threatens the war with the US and the US backs off initially. So they refuse to recognize Texas as a new nation. And Texas actually doesn't become a state until December 29th 1845. And during this early independent period, the Texas Rangers really get going, right? Because Texas is kind of on its own. I mean, they're allied with the US in a sense. But period, the Texas Rangers really get going, right? Because Texas is kind of on its own.

I mean, they're allied with the US in a sense, but again, the US doesn't want to, like, really bring them into the country because they don't want to piss off Mexico yet. And so, yeah, again, they're on their own. They're independent. And in this independence is when the Texas Rangers really get going. You know, the Texas Rangers are formed to kind of protect the Texan settlers from Mexican soldiers who refused to accept Texas's autonomy from cattle rustlers, gunslingers, hostile Native American tribes, etc. I had no idea. Rangers really became a thing long before Texas was even part

the U.S. Well, in 1845, Texas joins the Union on December 29th, 1845. Texas is admitted to the United States as a 28th state, being the 15th state in the order of admission to the Union after the original 13 colonies. And Mexico is pissed. Mui angrioso. But before we find out how angry they were, let's check in with another awesome sponsor. Today's time suck has brought to you by AWAY. AWAY offers high quality luggage that is designed to be resilient, resourceful, and essential to the way you travel available in nine colors, four sizes, including carry-on sizes that are compliant with all major US airlines. The AWAY suitcase is lightweight and unrivaled in strength and impact

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You will love it. All right, meanwhile, back in 1846, when people had to travel by fucking wagons and died all the time, some way worse than airports. Mexican general, Mariano Aristos, act on behalf of Mexican president, president, Mariano Paredes, crosses the Rio Grande Enforced in April of 1846 to besiege the isolated Fort Texas just across the border where Brownsville Texas is now located in the Mexican-American War is on. Estas en San Dito. U.S. General Zachary Taylor is expected, is expected in the move.

And on May 1st 1846 Taylor marches most of his troops to his supply depot at Point Isabelle on the Gulf of Mexico. It was there the veteran U.S. general would meet an incoming naval fleet carrying supplies needed to endure an extended siege. General Taylor, left major Jacob Brown, the US seventh infantry, and portions of the third artillery, some 550 men, to hold the post on the river. And then General Zachary Taylor dispatched and expressed the settlements of Texas for aid, and the Rangers here in respond in an incredible short space of time.

The Texas Rangers were there rescuing the Ranger Regiment of Jack Hayes and Woods were in route as with Sam Walker and the incomparable troops of peerless Ben McCulloch. The first Texans to reach General Taylor's Army in the Rio Grande were two independent companies of mounted men commanded by Captain Samuel, H. Walker and John T. Price. The former participated in the first two engagements, those of Palo Alto and Rosacca de la Palma, both of which were fought in Texas. The second and third regiments of mounted men were present at the capture of Monterey in September 1846.

On September 27, 1846, seven companies of Texas Rangers commanded by Colonel Hayes and Lieutenant Colonel Walker participated in the storming of Independence Hill, a strongly fortified and commanding position. It was in the war with Mexico that the mounted volunteers first clothed the name of Texas Rangers with its traditional glory, 1847. In April and May, 1847, another regiment of mounted Rangers commanded by Colonel John C. Hayes was organized at San Antonio, being mustard into the service of the United States for 12 months or the duration of the war.

It consisted of two battalions, five companies each. The command was attached to the army under General Winfield Scott and started on the victorious march to the city of Mexico. Hayes men remained in Mexico until peace was declared on February 2, 1848, a peace that the Rangers had a huge hand in giving Texas. Later in the spring of 1848 with the war over, the Rangers are temporarily disbanded. Their duty is complete. The US Army takes over the duty of protecting Texans from various native tribes, perpetual war with the settlers, which had been a big portion of the Rangers' duty since their inception. But unlike the

Rangers, they don't meet the tribes on their own land. Their station and various forts. Some of them many, many miles apart from each other and from the settlers. And that just doesn't work. A different level of vigilance was required to keep the settlers safe. When a large band of natives raid and then kill various settlers across the state in the spring of 1848, Texas governor George T. would form six new ranger companies. Then when tribes attacked settlers near Corpus Christi in early 1849, two more ranger companies totally in 150, are formed.

They're back in business, and their business is mostly fighting Native Americans around this time. The Rangers would battle Comanches and other tribes and various battles right up until the Civil War, and then they would get right back at it after the war. I'll get into more details as we examine the lives of individual Rangers later on. February 1st, 1861, Texas, a siege from the Union and joined the Confederacy in the Civil War. 1873, following the Civil War, the Texas Rangers are replaced by the Texas State Police. But then Governor Richard Koch and the State Legislature recommissioned the Rangers in 1873

after the TSP proved to be ineffective and they further divine themselves, to find themselves as Wild West Legends. During these times many of the Rangers miss or born, such as their success in capturing or killing Tori's criminals and desparados, including bank robber Sam Bass, gunfighter John Wesley Hardin, their involvement in the Mason County War, their decisive role in the defeat of the Comanche, the Kayaoah and Apache peoples. Also during these years the Rangers suffered their only defeat in their history of any substance. When they surrender at the Selonero Revolt in 1877, when a citizen militia of roughly 500 Mexican sellers

overtook 25 Texas Rangers and dispute over local natural resources. I said, actually, said Mexican American 500 sellers. Despite the fame of their deeds, the conduct of the Rangers during this period was very questionable at best. In particular, Leander, H. McNally, and his man to use ruthless methods

that often rivaled the brutality of their opponents, if not exceeded that, their opponents' brutality, such as taking part in summary executions, executions in which a person is accused of a crime, and immediately killed without benefit of a full and fair trial. They also induce confessions with use of torture and intimidation. 1909, the Rangers redeem their reputation when they were present as security in El Paso

with a summit of President William Howard Haff and Mexican President Porfirio Diaz in 1909 and present and prevent the assassination of both leaders. Frederick Burnham, a world-renowned army scout from Britain, hired to head a security detail for the Taft and for President Taft and C.R. Moore, a Texas Ranger, discovered a man holding a concealed palm pistol standing at the El Paso Chamber of Commerce building along the procession route. Burnham and Moore captured and disarmed the would be assassin within a few feet of taft and DS. Given the lawlessness near the mextian border, it was the responsibility of the ranger to preserve law and order any cost. Following this high point was another really low point

for the rangers. January 13, 1918, hundreds of new rangers are hired by the state with no regard for the background due to the bandit wars Between uh, I'm sorry. I said I give that date that date something's gonna come up in a bit between 19 and 10 and 19 15 Hundreds of new Rangers were hired by the state with no regard for their background yet because of the bandit war On the Texas Mexican border Mexican revolutionaries and bans were attacking towns rancas and railroads in in the state needed more men to patrol their border and needed them fast. And many of the new rangers took advantage of their new positions of power and brutalized Mexican citizens. And also Mexican American citizens.

On January 13, 1918, rangers slaughtered 15 Mexican men, ages 16 to 72, and poor veneer, Texas, and inquiry by the Texas legislature revealed that Rangers were responsible for the deaths of anywhere from 300 to 500,000 people, primarily Hispanics from 1915 to 1919, very dark period of Texas Ranger history known as the La Ma, Tanza, La Matanza, or the Massacre, when the Rangers killed La Body Mexican Americans along with La Lus Mexican Bandits. This is where that shoot first asked questions questions later image of the Rangers comes from. The subsequent investigation results in the reduction of the Rangers' force to four companies of only 17 men each. So they're a very small group after that dark period.

And then the 1930s, the Great Depression, forced both the federal and state governments to cut down on personnel and the funding of various organizations. And the number of commissioned officers of Texas Rangers was reduced to only 45 totals, now they're even smaller. And the only means of transportation afforded to these Rangers is free railroad passes or using their personal horses. So they're a very bare bones operation, kind of like when they very first officially started again. 1933, the agency is dealt a further blow when they support Governor Ross Sterling in his

re-election campaign in 1932 in Texas, but after his opponent Miriam Amanda Maugh Ferguson wins, she proceeds to discharge all serving rangers in 1933. So now they're kind of done. But then, you know, they'll be back in a few years. 1934, former ranger Frank Hamers brought back into action out of retirement for a special assignment at the request of Colonel Lee Simmons, head of the Texas prison system.

He is to track down and kill Bonnie and Clyde, and he does so on May 23rd. And then 1935, the present day, depression, era, budget cutbacks, created tremendous disorganization within the Texas state law enforcement, you know, 1933 and 1934, and then the legislature brought back the Rangers one final time.

The Rangers were merged with a Texas Highway Patrol under a new agency called the Texas Department of Public Safety, the DPS. They were given an initial annual budget of 450,000, and since 1935, each Texas Ranger has been allowed to kill one citizen. No questions asked. No trial, no rest, just to make things a little fucking easier. All right, that's not true. That's not that one part's not true about them.

You know, kill somebody. But, you know, kind of awesome, kind of scary, if it was. With minor rearrangements over the years, the 1935 reforms have ruled the Texas Rangers organization until the present day. Highly new members, which historically in moments have been largely a political decision, is now achieved through a series of examinations

and merit evaluations, promotion relies on seniority, performance is a, and performance in the line of duty. Today, the historical importance and symbolism of the Texas Rangers is such that they are protected now by a statute from ever being disbanded again. According to their own website, the Texas Ranger Division is a major division within the Texas Department of Public Safety

with lead criminal investigative responsibility for the following, major incident crime investigations, unsolved crime, slash serial crime investigations, public corruption, public integrity investigations, officer involved shooting investigations and broader security operations. The fucking big stuff. The big stuff that goes on in Texas,

big crimes in Texas, you kill a few people, all right? The Texas Rangers, they're gonna be fucking coming after you. All right, they're not gonna be on horses anymore. They got fucking cell phones, GPS, and some shit we don't even know about. And the Texas Ranger Division is comprised of 222 full-time employees, including 162 commissioned Rangers,

and 60 support personnel, including administrative staff, border security operations center, joint operations and intelligence centers, and the special weapons and tactics teams. They continue to commit brave acts of heroism to this day. Now let's really have some fun and examine the exploits of some of their more famous members over the years

and hop out of this timeline. Good job, soldier. You made it back. Barely. All right, now we know a little bit about the history of Texas and the formation of the Texas Rangers. I know it's a lot of information, but you know, just wanted to give you a sense of you kind of how they formed out of this chaotic period in Texas history. And so now let's talk about the guys who fought within their ranks. Tough guys, I've always been fascinated with tough guys.

Let's forget, if we can for a moment, forget about any kind of racial stuff or anything. Just think about what it was like to be a dude who was willing to give up your life in battle after battle, after battle. Back in a day when there was an emergency room, doctors, when doctors had saws, fucking whiskey, whiskey, you know, a lot of them, that kind of thing. And I've just been fascinated with how tough these guys were.

Ever since I was a little kid, I saw my dad get into a fist fight once in an intersection. When I was about five years old, when we had left Riggins for a few years to live in Anchorage, Alaska, and I'll tell you what, man, senior dad trade blows with a couple of other dudes in an intersection in 10s childhood experience.

Leads quite an impression on you. Around that same time, my dad taught me how to throw a punch, but despite my rage that I've had since childhood, I've never actually punched another person in the face, in like a fight, like like a real punch. I've threatened people, I've pushed people, hit a neighbor kid in the stomach a few times, threw a kid off my porch once in college, bounced down the stairs, you know, after dragging him out of my house, threw a guy off stage once at a comedy show, but punching in the face

always just seemed excessive, you know. I would really have to be in fear of my safety or the safety of someone around me to just start punching somebody in the face, and that's just, You know, I would really have to be in fear of my safety or the safety of someone around me to just start punching somebody in the face. And that's just, you know, never happened. Knock on wood, hopefully, doesn't, doesn't happen. I've been punched in the face numerous times in grade school. In fact, and I remember deserving every hit. I don't remember what I said in any of the instances, but I do remember like, I'd be riding some kid up and eventually he couldn't take it. And he punched me in the mouth, you know, usually where he punched me somewhere around the mouth. And then I would just kind of shrug it off and be like, yeah, now you have to serve that.

Just walk away with that feeling. And then I just would go on with my life. The only kid I ever really fought growing up was a neighborhood, a neighborhood a year younger and bigger than me, this kid Paul. One day he turned a garden hose on my sister when she was playing on the front porch, my sister Donna, she came and crying. And I ran out and told Paul if he did it again, I was gonna jump the fence, I was gonna beat his ass. And well, some of the bitch did it again.

So I jumped the fence, he tried punching me in the face, I ducked his punch, grabbed him through him on the ground, jumped on top of him and I punched him in the stomach several times. And he started bawling, we must have been around 11, 12 years old this time. And I remember I had a clear shot at punching him in his snivel in face.

I didn't like his face, but I still didn't punch it. I felt I had made my point, you know? So I let him get up and let him run into his house crying. He's bawling his eyes out. Before you think I'm too nice of a guy for letting him up, I also whipped Paul in a separate incident with a will stick about 10, 15 times on his back, leaving giant welps after he with me one time

and didn't even give me a welp. I guess it welps the first time, but you know what I fucking meant, welts. I've always been too much of a slow thinker, I think, to be a good fighter. It doesn't naturally, I don't make like lightning fast decisions in intense situations. I like to try and weigh my options,

think about consequences. And I feel like good fighters don't generally sit around and deliberate, you know, to take action. Quick and decisive, I've always admired that quality. They don't think, well, what if I hurt this guy? Really bad, that I get an illegal trouble. And then he's to me, and I lose my home. Now I can't save up and buy a new home.

Because the dead's just too much. And I'm depressed, and my home life's full stress and sadness would please me to another divorce. And then I'm just miserable, I'm just miserable. I'm just, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, they don't fucking think that. They just start fucking punchin' and they deal with repercussions when the punchin's done.

I'm in awe of that, I really am. I've always wanted to be that bold and violently impulsive. I probably shouldn't want that, but I do. At least you know, once or twice, it must feel so good to have someone say or do something unacceptable to you and then you just punch them in their fucking face. Drop into the ground, go about your day.

Uh, I want to tell you about two of my favorite tough guy stories before we get into the Texas Ranger Tough Guy stories. The first one, this is kind of like, you know, what maybe you want to do this episode, just my fast nation with these dudes. The first one is a dude, I worked alongside of when I was in high school working for my dad in construction. His name was Albert. And when I met him, he must have been in his late 40s, but he looked older, mostly bald, up top, with a gray beard. You know, he had a thicker bill, but not really muscular.

He looked like a guy who used to be muscular, but hadn't worked out in, you know, many years. Kind of like a grandpa, he used to be a tough guy, but now only looks tough when he rides as Harley, you know? But Albert was still super fucking tough. He was quite dude, you wouldn't think it, he's quite dude, and he was friendly, kept himself, and I find out from another guy's working with,

God, my dad had beat up on two separate occasions, actually, when they were in their late teen-jowlies 20s. That this guy, Albert, had served in Vietnam for a few years, where apparently, he was a member of a special forces unit. Albert never said shit about his war exploits. And I've noticed that generally, the toughest guys aren't the ones

telling you how tough they are. They don't talk about being tough, they just do tough shit, when it needs to be done. And I never saw Albert get mad, but apparently at a temper, especially when it came to other dudes hitting on his wife, Jesse, who is about half a age and just gorgeous. And guys to their detriment often assumed Albert was his wife's harmless father. And my dad told me a story about how one day, years so after our last work with him, I'm off in college. Albert and Jesse were in a potluck dinner in my little bar in Riggins, Idaho, my hometown.

Two four service dudes from out of town started hitting on Jesse as Albert sat in at his dinner. And then my dad, who was at his dinner, said that all of a sudden, he looks over to small crowd of people who have gathered over the freshly knocked out bodies of two men laying on the bar room floor. And then he saw Albert sitting there calmly eating his dinner. It all happened so fast, it took a while for everyone to process what had just happened, except for the few people who saw it, you know, who were eyewitnesses.

What had happened is the guy said something to Jesse that Albert found unacceptable, and he just casually stood up, faced those guys, didn't even say anything from what I remember through two punches and knocked out a grown man with each punch. I didn't see this myself, but my dad swears to me this happened. What the fuck? Knockin' two dudes out in epic fashion,

didn't even stop Albert from returning to his potluck meal. He just pop, pop, turns around, sits back down, starts eating again. You know, I don't know, I guess after several tours have been a special forces, you know, military person, Vietnam, he just, he just become that casual violence.

That is some fucking tough guy shit, my god. The only other man I've met who seemed to me as tough as Albert was another middle-aged normal sized man. I met in South Africa years ago. When I was doing a comedy festival there, we were down in, where I met this guy was in Johannesburg. And just like with Albert, this guy, this guy's name was Buzz.

And other people knew that Buzz, who at the time, was around 50 years old, you know, about five, six, weighed about 180 stocky, but not full of intimidating muscles. Other people told me that he had been in various wars around South Africa as a chopper pilot. And basically kind of as a mercenary was what they hinted at. And one night a bunch of us comics buzzed several of Buzz's friends and Buzz's wife and young

adult kids were having dinner. And Buzz's son was a huge muscular rugby player. A lot bigger than his dad, maybe about 18, 19 years old. And Buzz was busting his son's balls and I joke that he better watch out or his son's gonna slap him around. Because the son of his was a big looking dude dude and his son told me like, uh, now, I'm not mess with my dad. And you know, laughing, joking, but you could tell there was some like truth behind it.

Later I asked him when we're all just kind of mingling, having drinks. I asked his son about how tough Buzz was and he tells me his story that's always stuck with me. He said it happened a few years before. He said his mom and dad were heading home from church. They're all in the car. Him and his sister, the teenagers, they're in the backseat.

Some dudes start flipping his dad off in traffic in a moment of road rage. And his dad, he doesn't like this going down in front of his family. He said his dad never said anything to this guy, but then when they were parked next to each other at a red light, the guy just kept squawking of Senity's flying.

Doesn't like this going down in front of his wife and kids. And he said that his dad, a buzz just just calmly unbuckled his seatbelt, got out of the car, walked around to the man yelling at him, and punched him in the fucking face through his open window, and then punched him a few more times, literally beating him unconscious. And then he drugged the guy out of his own car, tossed him over his shoulder, walked him to the side of the road, threw his ass off into the fucking embankment, let's him roll down, walks back to his car, sits down,

buckles his seatbelt, drives off, never speaks of it again. Never speaks of it again, are you fucking kidding me? His son brought that up to me and private away from his dad. If I did that, I would tell that story every day for the rest of my life. And again, I wasn't there, I didn't see it for a tan, but this guy seemed to really, really retellin' me the truth. Oh my god. I would be shoe-horning that story into every conversation I could for the rest of my life. That'd be the fucking coolest story I would have in my story bank by far, you know. I'd be always talkin' about it. Okay, man, cool new car. Cool new car, man. Good for you. Did you buy it or lease it? Oh, you bought it?

Oh, that's a good call, man. That's a good call. Hey, you know what? That reminds me of the time. I bought this dude a one-way ticket to knockout's a good call, man. That's a good call. Hey, you know what? That reminds me of the time I bought this dude a one-way ticket to Knockout's Ville. He wouldn't shut his mouth so I walked over, I punched him out, I threw him over the fucking ditch. Yes, I am the baddest man alive. I'm just constantly talking about it. Thank you so much, that stake was excellent.

We'll definitely come back here again. No, no, I don't need to receipt. And neither did the dude who I served for consecutive knuckle sandwiches to in the middle with Goddamn straight, knocked him out, drug him out of his own car, threw him the ditch. How about that shit? I did that. I did, honey, tell him how I did that.

Tell our waiter how I did that, how you saw me do that. I have like a, maybe it's just like a story about it printed on a t-shirt and just wear it every day. Man, buzz and Albert, those are the kind of guys who could have been Texas Rangers. Well, here are some real ones. We got Benjamin McCulloch, 1811 to 1862. Benjamin McCulloch was one of the first Texas Rangers to make a name for himself early on. He was born Perry Winkle von Twinkle Toes, but he hated the way that sounded. And he made a new name for himself, Benjamin McCulloch, way better and more fitting for a ranger.

No, but seriously, McCulloch was born on November 11th, 1811 in Rutherford County, Tennessee, in 1835. He, along with his brother Henry and Davey Crockett, made their way to Texas. Two of Ben's older brothers briefly in tenant school, taught by a close neighbor and family friend in Tennessee, another man who would do some damage in Texas, Sam Houston. And they knew he was setting some would do some damage in Texas, Sam Houston.

And they knew he was setting some stuff up for himself in Texas. So following the move with his friend, Sam Houston, the founder of Sam's Club, kidding again, Sam Houston would go on to become president of the Republic of Texas and help Texas transition into statehood. Well, due to the measles, Ben didn't make it to the alamo before it fell, which most likely saved his life. Kind of like how Milton Hershey was going to be on the Titanic, but had to leave early because of business.

Right? Everything about that, how close we came to never having peanut M&Ms. The outbreak of the Mexican War, McCulloch raised a command that became Company A of Colonel Jack Hayes' first regiment, Texas mounted volunteers, showing great skill in tracking and scouting during the Mexican War, McCulloch earned the distinction of chief scout for General Zach Retailer's army. At the Battle of San Jacinto, McCulloch commanded one of the famed twin sisters. Two little six-pound canons made in Cincinnati

and donated by Ohioans to the Texans to aid in their fight with Mexico. These two little canons, known as six-pounders, were the only artillery the Texans had. And McCulloch's use of them won from Houston a battlefield commission as first lieutenant. On April 21st, 1836 during the Battle of San Jacinto, remember the Alamo, near the banks of Buffalo Bayo,

the Texas Army struck at Santa Ana's unsuspecting troops. The twins were near the center of the Texans line of battle in 10 yards and advanced the infantry. Their first shots were fired at a distance of 200 yards and their fire was credited with helping to throw the Mexican forces into confusion and significantly aiding the infantry attack of the Texans. During this battle the twins fired handfuls of musket balls, broken glass when that ran out, horseshoes when that ran out.

That was the only mission the Texans had access to. Horseshoes and broken glass started out of a cannon that is some 19th century just Texas Ranger shit right there I can hear Ben now just throw some more social that broken glass into the cannon We've got no more broken glass, sir. Well cut the feet off that dead horse. We're gonna we're gonna shoot those horses feet now Horses feet, sir. Well the cannon fire them? The cannon will fire anything I tell it to fire. My name is in periwinkle, Von Twinkle toes. I mean, Ben McCulloch. Ben ended the war with a rank of major. And I'm sure that they fired standalone horse used by the way, not horse used still attached to the horse's feet. I'm probably sure of that.

McCulloch also distinguished himself the Battle of Plum Creek in 1840. Now the Battle of Plum Creek was fought in the aftermath of the Council House fight, in which many of the Comanche Warriors chiefs and their women were killed. This is a dark period, a dark little moment for the Texas Rangers for sure. On March 19, 1840, a delegation of Comanche chiefs met with the officials of the Republic of Texas in San Antonio. The meeting took place under an observed truce with the purpose of negotiating the exchange of captives, and ultimately facilitating peace after two years of war. The Comanche sought to obtain recognition of the boundaries of their homeland while the

Texans wanted the release of Texan and Mexican citizens held prisoner by the Comanches. One of these prisoners was Matilda Lockhart, a 16-year-old American settler who had been captured with her sister in 1838. She claimed that her captors had physically and sexually abused her, burned scars, coupled with a mutilation of her nose supported these stories. She also said that 15 other captives remained in command cheese hands, and that the tribe's leader, leaders intended to ransom these hostages one at a time. Well, the council ended with 12 commanding leaders shot to death inside the council house, 23 others shot

in the streets of San Antonio and 30 taken captive after a big guns blaze an ambush. The incident ended any chance for peace and let the years of further hostility and war. Man, war was so savage on both sides, on both sides. I mean, in this incident, yeah, the fucking Texans ambushed them. They ambushed a peace party. It's fucked up.

Definitely fucked up. Also fucked up to have a fucking captive teenage girl that's the rapin'. A lot of people were scalped on both sides. I didn't realize that was on both sides. You always hear about the tribes, scalping Americans, others. Well, a lot of frontiers men,

fucking took the scalping as well. And we just, you know, skyped the scalp, uh, the Native Americans. Uh, what's insane about the scalping, by the way, side on that, is sometimes scalping victims survived. Let me tell you a horrific tale of Robert McGee. In 1864, 13 year old Robert McGee was headed west

on the Santa Fe Trail with his parents. They died along the way, and the boy orphaned, continued the journey with the wagon train, bringing supplies to New Mexico. Somewhere in the western reaches the Kansas, orphan continued the journey with the wagon train bringing supplies to New Mexico Somewhere in the western reaches the Kansas the soldiers tasked with guarding the wagon train got delayed and the civilians were set upon by a band of Brunel sue Indians led by their chief little turtle the drivers and teamsters of the wagon train were no match for the native warriors And they were all tortured and killed young McGee watched helplessly as blood was shed, and then he was taken before a little turtle. The chief decided that he would not kill the boy himself

and he put a bullet, oh, I'm sorry, that he would kill the boy himself and he put a bullet and McGee's back. The boy fell to the ground, still alive and conscious, and little turtle put two arrows through him, penning him down. And then the chief took out his blade and removed 64 square inches from McGee's head.

Fuck, starting just behind his ears. All while the boy was awake, and somehow he survived that. When the soldiers finally caught up with the wagon train, they found a horrible massacre with everyone scalped, but as the soldiers picked through the bodies, they found McGee and another boy had survived. They were rushed to Fort Larned, where the other boy died.

Somehow, the scalpless McGee survived the experience and many years beyond. There was a picture taken of him years later in 1890, so 26 years later, when McGee told his story to a local newspaper. I'm putting that picture up on the website. That'll be at TimesuckPodcast.com in the episode description. It's fucking horrific. I just bring these like, you know, bring these things up back inside where I notice on the internet when I'm researching stuff,

especially on YouTube videos, there's a lot of like the fucking races, pieces of shit, you know, Texas Rangers, you know, Killin' Native Americans who are on their own land. Yes, you have a valid argument with that. But then also, there was a lot of like, like horrific violence going back the other way. And you know, the whole world has been settled

by various people. So, you know what the whole world has been settled by various people. So, you know what, it's just kind of the way the fucking cookie crumbles. I know that might come across as insensitive, but I fucking hate it when people get so bogged down and like, well, these are fucking evil assholes. Are they evil assholes? They won. They won.

They took over some more territory. That has happened throughout, is Alexander the Great? I guess he was an evil asshole then. You know, I guess, you know, Napoleon was an evil asshole. Just anybody who's conquered anything was an evil asshole if you want to look at it that way. You know, like, like, there's this is weird.

Some people get so attached to like, like, in the Native American thing, for example, like, how dare the Europeans, like, what fucking monsters they were to take over? And yeah, they did, they did do a lot of fucked up stuff. But that's, that's like the history of the world. That shit has just always happened. And again, it doesn't make it right.

But also, there was never like this inherent thing of like, oh, you happen to show up here first. There was never like a finder's keepers kind of, you know, policy that everyone agreed to at the beginning of human civilization. It's like, okay, whoever gets to your place first, you get to live there however you want forever. That's just like, this is never how the world worked. Okay, so I'm just trying to give a complete picture here of both sides. 1849,

McCulloch joined many of a bunch of other fortune seekers who headed to California during the gold rush. By the time the Civil War broke out, he came back because the dude apparently liked to fight and in May 16 May 1861 became a Brigadier General in the Confederate Army. McCulloch commanded a wing of the army as it approached a Union force led by General Samuel Curtis in northwestern Arkansas in March 1862. Curtis took up a defensive position around Elkorn Tavern and waited for the Confederates to attack. On the night of March 6, McCulloch marched his troops around Curtis' right flank had prepared for an early morning assault on March 7th.

Curtis discovered the movement and blocked McCulloch's advance. That day, at the Battle of P Ridge, Curtis held off a furious attack by McCulloch's force. McCulloch rode forward to monitor his men's progress and emerged from some brush directly in front of a Union regiment, identifiable by his trademark black velvet suit. He didn't like uniforms. McCulloch was killed instantly by a volley from the Yankees. His successor, General James McIntosh, was killed minutes later, and the leader's Confederates retreated.

McCulloch's death was a turning point in the battle and the Confederates to feed and sherd union domination of Northern Arkansas for the rest of the war. I love that he wore a black velvet suit into battle. I mean, it is one thing to go into battle. I cannot imagine riding a horse into a fucking field of constant gunfire. I truly can't, but I think it's like another thing even beyond that to just be like,

you know what, put on the velvet fucking suit today. Hey, wife, get ahead of me, the black velvet suit. I'm going to put that on before I write it to battle. That's some eccentric frontiersmanship. Okay. So let's talk about Sam Walker, the man who escaped from Mexico and helped develop one of the, uh, baddest guns in the history of the wild west. Samuel Hamilton Walker was born in Maryland in 1815 and came to Texas in 1842, joining a volunteer army soon thereafter. He participated in the ill-fated Somerville expedition in 1842 and 1843. The Somerville expedition was a punitive expedition against Mexico in retaliation for three predatory

raids made by Mexican armies upon Texas in 1842. And again, I say predatory raids, yeah, we were making a predatory raid right back. Remember, just like I mentioned earlier, that the Native Americans didn't have some inherent right to keep North America forever, you know, we Americans have no right to keep North America forever either. And back at this point in history, you know, the detections have no inherent claim to that land. It's just like everybody is fucking being assholes to everybody. Well, October 3rd, 1842, President Sam Houston ordered Alexander Somerville to organize

the militia and volunteers in invade Mexico. It has the strength, equipment, and discipline of the army indicated a reasonable hope of success. Volunteers poured into San Antonio, eager to pursue the enemy in invade Mexico for glory and plunder. Numbering approximately 700 men, the expedition left San Antonio on November 25th at number 683 men by time at reach Laredo, because people died a lot back then, and then the captured Laredo on December 8th, Joseph Elb Bennett, 185 men, then return a

home on December 10th. I guess they got what they wanted. Some revealed with a little over 500 men, captured the Mexican town of Guarro Next, But he knew without reinforcements, it was a suicide mission to continue further on in Mexico and try and march on Mexico City. And on December 19th, Somerville recognized the failure of his expedition and fearing disaster if he continued, orders his men to disband and return home by the way of Gonzalez. Well, the Texans were so disappointed with the order to disband that only 189 men and officers obeyed. The Texans were so disappointed with the order to disband that only 189 men and officers obeyed.

Some 308 men, including Sam Walker, one of those fucking crazy Rangers, under five captains and commanded by William S. Fisher, continued to Mexico on the mirror expedition. Think about that, how crazy that is. Like 300 dudes are like, no, no, we'll fucking do it, we'll just take it. That really is kind of part of like the Texas Ranger kind of ethos when you look into their history. There was all these battles where it just be like very small group of Rangers, you know, very much outnumbered and just be like, no, fuck it, we're good, we're good. Very like kind of the Spartans almost. The exhibition set out in December 20, 40 men under Thomas

J. Green floated downstream in four vessels captured near Guarro, a small group of Texas Rangers serving as a spy company under Ben McCulloch, operated along the West Bank of the river, the main body of men under Fisher went down the east side. On December 22nd, the 308 Texans reached a point on the east bank of the Rio Grande opposite me air, and McCulloch spy company was sent to reconordered the town. They found that Mexican troops were assembling along the river, advised Fisher against crossing and abandoned the expedition when their advice was not heated. Thereupon, John Arbaker, sheriff of Refugeal County, succeeded to the command of the spy company,

leaving a camp guard of 45 men, Fisher and the remainder of his men crossed the river on December 23rd and entered Meir without opposition. A requisition for supplies levied against the town, was fulfilled by late afternoon, but there were no means for transporting the goods to the river and the Texans had no desire to carry the goods on their backs. When the alkylate promised to have the supplies delivered the next day

to the Texas camp, the Texans withdrew from here, taking the alkyld, alkyld, with them to guarantee delivery of the supplies. All day, on December 24, the Texans waited in vain for delivery of the goods. During the morning, A.S. Holderman, who had crossed the river to look for horses, was captured by a small detachment of Mexican Calvary. His journal revealed to the Mexicans the size, character, and organization of the Texan force. On December 25, Fisher learned from a captured Mexican that General Pedro de Ampidia had

arrived at Mir and prevented delivery of the supplies. The Texans decided to go after their rations. On the afternoon of December 25th, Christmas Day, a camp guard of 42 men under Oliver Buckman was posted and 261 Texans crossed the Rio Grande once more attacked Mir and fought until the afternoon of December 26th. Outnumbered almost 10 to 1, Mexican losses were 600 killed and 200 wounded against 30 Texans killed and wounded. These guys were really good at fighting,

but the Texans were hungry, they're thirsty, their powder is almost exhausted, their disciplines began into crack, and Puedi adopted a suggestion of standing a white flag to the Texans and demanding their surrender, and the rules were successful. The captured Texans were sentenced to execution after being captured or after a surrendering. But on December 27th, Ampli had the execution degree to Cree reversed.

The Abelbody prisoners were marched through the river towns to Antimoros where they were held until ordered to Mexico City and route to the capital. They planned their escape frequently. Finally, at Solado, on February 11th, 1843, a successful break was carried out. For seven days, the Texans headed towards the real grand, but in trying to pursue a circuitous route through the mountains during the dry season, they became separate and lost. So that's fucking sucks, you know? They get away, there you go. Mountains and they're like, ah, shit, we don't have a map, we have no idea where we are.

After extreme suffering, they surrendered in small groups, came back to Mexican troops who were looking for them. In the end, only three members of the expedition actually escaped to Texas. The 176 recapture Texans, including Sam Walker, were returned to Salado. Upon learning of the escape, Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana ordered that those who had fled be executed,

but governor Francisco Mejia of the state of Coïde de Refuse to obey the order and the foreign ministers in Mexico were able to get the decree modified. The government then ordered that every tenth man be executed. The 17 men who were selected for execution in what is now known as the Black Bean episode were blindfolded and shot. And this is how they decided who died. That a jar of beans, and in this jar of brown beans, there were 17 Black beans. And if you pick one of the Black beans, you got shot. Oh man, I wonder if any of the guys who survived could handle beans after that.

I wonder if Black beans would be a trigger for you after that experience. Would you like Pinto, Refried, or Black Beans on your Brito today? I'll kill you! I'll kill you. You say Black Bean again. I'll fucking kill you. Say it again. So Pinto or Refried then? I don't care. It was three fried green beans. Okay. Just as long as it's not Black Beans, you just son of a bitch. During the months of June, July and August, 1843, the Texans who didn't draw Black Bean did road work near Mexico City.

In September, they were transferred to the Perote prison where Antonio Prisoners, whom they had set out to liberate were being held. A few of the mere men escaped, while stationed at the vicinity of Mexico City, others tunneled out of Prote and succeeded in reaching home. A few of the wounded who had left the mere recovered, bribed the guard, and they escaped. Many of the men died in captivity from wounds, disease, and starvation. From time to time, a few of the prisoners would be released at the request of certain officials in the U.S. and others at the request of foreign governments. The last of the mere men were released by Santa Ana on September 16, 1844. All in all, Sam Walker, before he escaped, spent two years as part of that captivity. And then Walker, Texas Ranger, not Chuck Norris, joined the Texas

Rangers, basically as soon as you got back in 1844 and fell under the command of Captain John Coffee Hays. As soon as I promoted to Captain himself, he let a Ranger company during the Mexican-American War serving with General, Zach retailer, and General Winfield, Scott's armies. God, he's been wasting time.

That's always crazy too. He could have came back and be like, you know what, I'm gonna falcon farm, I'm gonna have a nice little plot of land, I'm gonna calm, I'm gonna calm the fuck down. I'm gonna enjoy my life. But he's like, no, stuff's always crazy too. Like he could have came back and be like, you know what, I'm gonna falcon farm. I'm gonna have a nice little plot of land. I'm gonna calm, I'm gonna calm the fuck down. I'm gonna enjoy my life. But he's like, no, let's get right back there and fight. I just, they've held me for two years

and I wanna kill everyone who helped me. Well, this guy, Walker Texas Ranger, not Chuck Norris. I also had time right before he went back to fighting to take a trip to New York City, meet with gunmaker Sam Colt and create a new weapon based on the then popular five shot Colt Patterson revolver. With many enhancements such as adding a six round and making it powerful enough to kill either a man or a horse with a single shot and making it quicker to reload. The Colt Walker revolver would become one of the most feared, if not the most feared, handgun of the 19th century. In striking power, it rivaled army muskets and even rifles at 100 yards as a pistol,

that's insane. Up until this time, a lot of Rangers used single shot revolvers. And so, you know, Walker wasn't having that. And this was a huge upgrade on that. He wanted to be able to shoot six times without having to stop to reload and he wanted to be able to shoot fucking six horses

in a row if he needed to, I guess. After arriving with his new company at Bear Cruise Mexico, Walker was detailed on May 27, 1847 to the first Pennsylvania volunteers stationed at Castle San Carlos de Perote to counter Mexican real activities between Perote and Yalapa. On October 5, 1847, Walker left Perote with General Joseph P. Lane to escort a supply train to Mexico City, according to JJ Osmwell, Oswondle, author of notes on the Mexican War who wrote about the incident,

Walker grew increasingly embittered against the enemy. Should Kasson Walker come across guerrillas, God helped him for he seldom brings in prisoners. The Captain and most, all of his men are very prejudiced and embittered against every guerrilla in the country. So apparently, his time as a prisoner of war left him very angry, inspired him to build a bigger gun,

and just made him, gave him an insatiable bloodlust to just to fucking kill Mexican soldiers, I guess. Well, in route to Mexico City, Lane was informed of a sizable enemy force at Womantla and ordered an attack. With Walker's mounted rifles in the lead, the assault force reached Womantla on October 9th during the spirited contest that followed Walker

was either shot in the back or killed by a man on foot carrying a lance, dead at 30. Following his death, his unit took revenge on the community of Omanjala, and Walker was buried at Haseyenda, Tamaris. In 1848, his remains were moved to San Antonio on April 21, 1856 as part of the Battle of San Wasinto celebration. He was re-barried in the odd fellow cemetery in San Antonio. Now let's get ahead a bit into the late 1800s. Talk about John Harris Rodgers. John Harris Rodgers captain in the Texas Rangers was born in Guadalupe County, Texas on October 19th 1863.

Join the Rangers in 1882 served as a sergeant under captain John A. Brooks, became a captain himself in 1892. Rodgers was a modest and soft-spoken man with a stocky build and mustache. He was wounded in a shootout with a Conor gang and the Pinyne Woods of East Texas at Laredo where he was enforcing a quarantine regulation during the smallpox epidemic. As a result of his wound in Laredo, his arm was shortened after which he used a specially constructed Winchester rifle. And he just kept on rangering. Unbelievable. Like, yeah, fuck it, I got a smaller arm now.

Whatever, I can still pull the trigger, give me a gun. As a head of a ranger company in the field, Captain Rogers had to investigate crimes and administrative tasks from recruiting and firing personnel to organizing scouting parties or filing detailed reports with his superiors in Austin. And the rangers had transitioned from a paramilitary group to the premier law enforcement agency around this time.

Rangers tracked a noted gunfighter John Wesley Hardin killer of almost 30 men DeFlorida captured him in 1877 all right just before you know John Rogers time Texas Ranger George herald tracked down and killed notorious bank and train robber Stan Bass in 1878 and round rock Texas And many fugitively brought to justice as a century wound to a close under the guidance of Rangers like John Rogers Yeah, the definitely like the last you know 30 40 years of the Rangers in 19th century They definitely made that transition from kind of paramilitary to law enforcement in 1913

President Woodrow Wilson appointed John Rogers United States Marshal for the Western District of Texas. He held his position for eight years, and then he served once again as a Ranger Captain from 1927 until he died in 1930 at the age of 67. And then there's Frank Hamer from the Bonnie and Clyde episode. But before we check in with Frank, let's find out what various geniuses have been saying about Rangers on the internet, was my new favorite segment, Idiots of the internet. Idiots of the internet. Holy racial anger, my god. Read the comments on some YouTube Ranger videos and you get a lot of people who really hate the Rangers.

For the atrocities they committed against the Mexican people and Native Americans and you get a lot of people who were just very racist against Mexicans and Native Americans kind of coming back the other way. Yeah, a lot of craziness underneath these videos. And again, the Rangers did commit atrocities, but again, also atrocities were committed on both sides. So I'm going to try and skip over most of the racial back and forth in today's segment, so much racial stuff on YouTube. Clearly a hot topic in many people's minds. I'll be honest, I don't actually think about it that much. You know, I teach my kids to judge people on their character

and that race, gender, sexual orientation don't matter. And I just try and focus on pushing things forward where we don't even think until, you know, we get to a place where we don't even think about it. I try not to think about it, but again, I'm also white and I'm living in Idaho. So let's be fucking honest. I can choose not to deal with it

because it's not my face. I'm lucky enough not to encounter racism and not to be the victim of racism. And I wish no one had to be the victim and no one had to deal with it. Such a waste of energy to hate based on pigment. So much nonsense. Anywho, anywho, after reading a preposterous

amount of back and forth racism, I decided to leave YouTube for a second. I'll come back to it here at the end. And head over to Amazon to see what people were saying in the book review section of some Texas Ranger literature. Well, Philip G. Coughfield gave Stephen L. Moore's book, Texas Rising, the epic true story of the Lone Star Republic and the rise of the Texas Rangers, 1836 to 1846, one star because he was quote, not looking for the book.

Thought I was getting the movie. Oh, Phil. You're giving a book. You clearly didn't read one star because you wanted the movie, even though there couldn't be more clues that you were looking at the book, like the option to buy an either hardcover or kindle edition. You fucking moron. Remember the last hardcover movie you watched?

It's not the book's fault. You're too stupid to buy things online. I get being annoyed, we all make mistakes, but then giving the book a one-star review after you know that you made the mistake. Give yourself one star. You fucking idiot. You're the one who messed up. Another Amazon user, David Sherman, seemed to take a page at a Phillips playbook.

He gave 12 years in the saddle for law and order on the frontiers of Texas. A book written by Sergeant William John L. Sullivan, one star, saying, tried to download it. Never could find it. Probably a fault of my computer and not Amazon. Probably my fault. So he does think, you know, it's apparently probably a guy

who messes up a lot of this kind of stuff. He's like, you know, I messed up. But, uh, damn, I'm still gonna go lower the rating of someone else's artistic work to needlessly hurt their future sales because that's kind of person I am. God, there's a lot of fucking terrible people on the internet. And then Mark Thompson, when I went back to YouTube,

after looking at a few Amazon things, he made a rookie move on YouTube where he asked for other commentators to clean up their act on a YouTube video regarding the history of the Alamo. My Thompson five months ago said 90% of the comments here have nothing to do with a clip. Instead, it's a bunch of drunks, idiots, and drunken idiots spouting insults and making a mockery of the Alamo and those glorious heroes who fell there. Please respect them and remember the Alamo appropriately.

Oh, Mark, what are you fucking thinking? No one responds to this kind of stuff on the web. No one's like, you know what, he's right guys. He's right. That's only leave nice comments. I guess Mark was tired of comments like, forget the Alamo by Aldous Huxley, or Yankee savages.

Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, 9-11, Doc, Doc, Doc, Jews, Doc, Doc, Doc dot new world order by Peter O I don't even I don't even know what that's about Maybe you're getting to take a comments by by people like Joseph Glasner who's who said I know why too much know about the alamo Again, no idea what that's about. But, you know, of course, Mark's please follow in the deaf ears of the trolls because one of the very next comments, after he leaves his comments, from Caesar Sanchez says,

Fuck all you putos! Texas belongs to Mexico and Mexicans made Texans. Fucking out. Sorry, Mark, you appealed the reason, but the comment section of the internet knows no reason for it is populated largely by idiots of the internet. Okay, back to a little more ranger before we get out of here. We got Frank Hamer, Francis Augustus Hamer, born March 17, 1884 in Fairview, Texas, Wilson County, in 1894 he worked in his father's blacksmith shop where he developed the nickname Frank the fucking Hamer Hamer. Now he didn't have that nickname but he should have, how did he not? Last name's Hamer and he worked in the blacksmith shop.

After Frank Hamer helped capture a horse thief on the ranch where he began to work after working for his dad's black miss shop. Locke was sheriff recommended him to the Texas Rangers and he joined in eight, excuse me, joined in 1906, became part of a company that patrolled the South Texas border. Then left the Rangers periodically over the years to take different law enforcement jobs. He served as the city marshal of Navasota, Texas as a special officer for the city of Houston, Texas and as a federal pro-ohibition officer here and there. In the 1920s, Hammer was a key figure in preserving law and order in the Texas oil boom towns. He ended up getting over 50 gun fights. That's a lot of gun fighting.

He was an expert with the gun practice long range handgun shooting because he said a man don't know when he might have to shoot at a distance and not have a rifle ready. Favorite handgun was a single action cult 45 that he called old Lucky. Seen graved four, three quarter inch barrel blue revolver, revolver with carved pearl stocks, beautiful. Throughout his life, he was a private man with not discussed gun fights and refused to say how many men he killed.

Just like Albert and Buds, he's one of those guys. One of those guys could have been Frank Hamer. He dealt with arms smugglers, bootleggers, bandits throughout the area, throughout his career. By 1922, he would become a senior ranger captain in Austin. 1920, 80 took on the Texas Bankers Association reward ring. Hamer charts that some people were framing others and also tracking down and killing small time outlaws

to collect the bankers' $5,000 reward for every dead bank robber. Once the scam was made public, the bankers' association changed their policy to reward for every legally killed bank robber. That's probably a good call. He retired over the whole Moff Ferguson political fiasco of 1933, but came out of retirement in 1934. As you know, if you've listened to the episode to take on a job as a special investigator to track down Bonnie and Clyde, which he does track down and then he does kill them.

During the 1930s, Hammer worked for various oil companies and shippers helping prevent strikes and breaking up moms. He was called again to Ranger Duty in 1948 by Governor Koch Stevenson to help check election returns and Jim Wells and DeVolk County in the US Senate race and check this shit out. In 1939, he and 49 other retired Texas Rangers

offered their services to King George VI to help protect the United Kingdom in case of Nazi invasion. He's 54 years old at this point, and he's just like, you know what, you want the Nazi stopped? You want the stop? We'll just bring 50 of us former Rangers,

50 of us middle-aged former Rangers over to Europe. We'll fix that shit right now. And that is doing stuff like that is why it was often said that Frank had trouble walking because his balls were so big. No one said that. By the time this guy retired for good in 1949, he'd been wounded 17 times and left for dead four times. Again, can't imagine being that guy.

Can't imagine sitting on a recliner, thinking about reflecting on all the times you were shot. Oh, and I could go on and on about these tough guys. I know I've gone on a while already. We could tell hundreds of hours of tales about their battles. Were they good guys? Were they bad guys? Are they both somewhere good, somewhere bad?

A lot were in the middle. I think they were mostly good by far, and they were definitely brave. That's a weird logic fallacy we get into sometimes with these historical figures. We can say like, this person was this and that, these bad characteristics. So they couldn't have had a positive attribute like bravery. No, you could be like a brave racist, for example. That's possible, you know? You could fucking throw yourself out into battle with a lot of bravery

and still be like, fuck Mexicans. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive, you know, doesn't make being racist good at all, but it doesn't make you less brave if you have the bravery. Two separate things. And yeah, did sometimes you know, did they mask innocent people? Yeah, they did. good at all, but it doesn't make you less brave if you have the bravery. Two separate things. And yeah, did sometimes, you know, did they mask innocent people?

Yeah, they did, but they also saved a lot of lives too. A lot of saved protected innocent settlers who were just trying to farm and get on with their lives. You know, I think violence was just a product of that era. It was really a killer, be killed time. It's crazy to me how they came out of the beginnings of Texas when Texans didn't have any consistent protection from any government.

There's settlements of Americans who chose to live on Native American soil, whether they're being attacked by various tribes. There's constant tension between Spanish settlers, American settlers, Mexican government. The settlers recruited the toughest men they could find to protect them. And those men formed the core of what would become the Texas Rangers. A bad-ass group of frontiers, men who play a large part in breaking Texas away from Mexico and leading it to become part of America. Pretty intense history, man. Can't imagine being out there on those trails riding a horse and just shooting and being shot at for your career. I hope you enjoy these tales. I hope you made you think

about what it must have been like to live during those times of turmoil. There's plenty we can complain about today, but we've got it real good compared to the days of yesterday year. I can't imagine marching up against command cheese or Apache, so the Mexican army and horseback with that rifle in my hand, pistol in my hip. Hoping my aim is a little better than my enemy's aim.

Hoping I don't get caught by a stray bullet I never saw coming, catch an arrow, wake up to the beginnings of being scalped, crazy fucking times. Love reading about it in my nice air condition home and a quaint neighborhood in Cordillin, Idaho, where my biggest problem at the moment is having to make a bunch of calls later today to my bank and some other places and knowing that I'm going to be put on hold. It's going to be super annoying, but I prefer being put on hold to being

shot at very much so. So hope you are enjoying your 21st century comfort as well. Now let's hit the old days one more time with some top five takeaways. Number one, the first leader of the official Rangers was 31-year-old major Robert McAlpen Williamson, a man whose leg was permanently bent into a 90 degree angle in order to walk a wooden leg had to be fastened to his knee, which led to the nickname three-legged Willie, and he still fought in battle. All right, number two. In the early 19th century, the Mexicans and Texans battled over land. The Native Americans still considered their own.

Not long after the French, Spanish and Americans were also dividing up the land. The tribe still thought was theirs. And you thought your neighbor sucked. At least they're not kicking your door in and fighting over which one of them gets to take your shit. Number three, Sam Walker. The original Walker Texas Ranger joined the Rangers to fight Mexico immediately after escaping two years of captivity in Mexico.

And right away, he had a bigger gun designed to shoot Mexicans with. And then he died in a battle against Mexicans when one of them shot him a few months later. What a good reminder that sometimes when it comes to grudges, it's best just to kind of let it go. Number four, Texas was once an independent nation after winning its independence from Mexico. They even had their own embassy in London.

There was once a French embassy in Austin. It's one of only three states to have once been an independent nation along with Hawaii and Vermont. That's right, Vermont. Seriously, the Republic of Vermont existed from 1777 to 1791, had their own currency, their own post office system.

Look it up. And number five, new info, again, more new info. The Rangers, though I didn't talk about their recent exploits, are still kicking ass today. In 1997, Texas Rangers commanded by Captain Barry Cava, conducted successful hostage negotiations with the Republic of Texas, a militant political organization that claimed that Texas is still an independent nation. Texas Rangers are able to secure the

release of all hostages and negotiate this surrender of most of those involved. Then in 2010, Texas Governor, then Texas Governor Rick Perry inducted Chuck Norris, Walker Texas Ranger, into the real Texas Rangers as an honorary member of the Rangers just as no tradamus once predicted. Time suck, tough five takeaway. Well, thanks, suck heads, for listening to some Texas size tales of heroism this week. Hope that wasn't too much info. And so much to cover, I kept going over it, going over it, couldn't have got through it without Sir Lilly helping to research that one. A lot of information. So thanks again to her as her being the intern and member of the Bojangles research team. If you want to check out some of my standup, I'll be the laughing school lounge in Atlanta.

July 27th to 30th, I'll be at the Tampa improv August 3 through the 6th More dates at Dan Cummins.tv or you can just go and link to the tour dates at time suck podcast.com Be sure to follow time suck on social media. It's back in business kicking out some new audio previews the upcoming episodes on Fridays other new fun weekly post coming soon to at time suck podcasts on Instagram, Twitter, slash time suck podcast on Facebook. And you can go on the episode description at time suckpodcast.com to click the links to get those great sponsor deals I talked about today.

And you can spread the suck by sharing that Friday audio preview, giving people a little bit of taste, little taste of the suck. Next week we're sucking on the king. Martin Luther King, Jr. is getting sucked. Martin Luther King, Jr. He of the I have a dream speech was an American Baptist minister and activist who became the most visible spokesperson and leader of the civil rights movement of the 1960s.

He led the 1955 Montgomery bus boycott, helped to organize 1963 March on Washington where he delivered his famous, I have a dream speech. On October 14th, 1964, King received a Nobel Peace Prize for combating racial inequality through non-violent resistance. In 1965, he helped to organize the Selma to Montgomery marches. He opposed the Vietnam War. Alienating, many of his liberal allies with a 1967 speech titled Beyond Vietnam,

he also seemed to take a page at a JFK's book when it came to marriage fidelity. He was a complex man. In a 1968, King was planning a national occupation in Washington, D.C. to be called the Poor People's Campaign when he was assassinated by James Earl Ray on April 4th in Memphis, Tennessee. And just like with JFK, there are many conspiracies about who really killed him, why he was really killed, etc. Did James Earl Ray do it to someone else, more conspiracy fun coming down the pipeline? Such a fascinating, important life can't wait to suck on it So look forward to MLK keeps reddening suck Thanks for picking up those sweet bow jangles teas made out of 213% important quality anus treated with gerbosaliva

I'll be replenishing the missing sizes of the first two teas very soon Hit me up if you're an app developer and keep on sucking.