Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 414 - The Taiping Rebellion: The Craziest, Bloodiest Civil War Ever

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Did you know that in that in 1850, Hong Xiuquan, a man who interpreted literal fever demons as religious visions from God informing him that he was Jesus's little brother and that he needed to overthrow the Qing Dynasty and take over all of China, almost did just that? He raised an army that fought imperial China for over decade and waged a war that left between 20 and 70 million people dead.  Perhaps the craziest historical event I've ever heard of that I didn't know anything about before starting this podcast.Hope you enjoy the sound of the new recording equipment! Merch and more: www.badmagicproductions.com Timesuck Discord! https://discord.gg/tqzH89vWant to join the Cult of the Curious PrivateFacebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" to locate whatever happens to be our most current page :)For all merch-related questions/problems: [e-mail] (copy and paste)Please rate and subscribe on Apple Podcasts and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG and http://www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcastWanna become a Space Lizard? Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast.Sign up through Patreon, and for $5 a month, you get access to the entire Secret Suck catalog (295 episodes) PLUS the entire catalog of Timesuck, AD FREE. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. And you get the download link for my secret standup album, Feel the Heat.

Have you ever failed a final exam? Completely blew an important presentation in front of your boss, messed up a job interview, or taken the last shot or swing or throw in a game, only to miss what was supposed to be an easy score. And then you felt the burden of you being the reason that your team lost. I'm guessing you have. We've all failed something, and it almost always stinks. Failure sucks. Makes us feel awful, embarrassed, maybe even angry, insecure. What it doesn't normally do is lead to you telling everyone that you've had some sort of religious epiphany based on you being a god and then raising a

massive army, taking over a huge amount of land, ruling it for over a decade, nearly overthrowing one of the largest empires in the world, and being responsible for tens of millions of deaths. That is not a normal reaction that people have to failure. But it is how Hong Shu Kuan reacted. Born into a peasant family in rural China, Hong was a child prodigy who seemed to have a bright future ahead of him. But then contrary to the expectations held by his family and nearly every member of his entire village, he failed the incredibly important life-altering Chinese Civil Service Exam not once, not twice, not three times, four times.

And with that last failure, his chance for upward mobility in Chinese society, for changing the future not just for himself, but for his entire family, was over. The stress and the shame of his failure caused him to fall into some sort of coma or at least be extremely sick for a full month, during which time he had these crazy fever dreams where he was the younger brother of Jesus Christ destined to destroy a race of literal demons, eradicate the teachings of Confucianism, and create a heavenly kingdom to rule over all of China. Hong began what historians will later name the Taiping Rebellion or the Taiping Civil War, which led to the deaths of at least 20 million people and possibly as many as 70 million people.

The bloodiest civil war in human history with a death toll comparable to and perhaps even much higher than World War I. So who the hell was this guy? Why haven't more of us heard more about him? How did the schoolteacher, a member of an oppressed ethnic group, a nobody from a small village who couldn't pass a civil service exam to save his life inspire an army to overthrow the government? Why was that test so important? As we'll learn today, civil wars do not start overnight. A complex melting pot of economic troubles, wars, strange coincidences, ethnic oppression,

and some seriously weird-ass fever dreams led to this massive and preposterously bloody and ridiculous uprising. Get ready for some fascinating Chinese cultural and military history and even some cult cult cult activity on this very very strange edition of Time Suck. This is Michael McDonald, and you're listening to Time Suck. Click, click. Click, click. Click, click. Click, click. Click, click. Click, click.

Click, click. Click, click. Click, click. Click, click. Well, happy Monday and welcome or welcome back to the Cult of the Curious. I'm Dan Cummins, Suck Nasty, former tour manager for country legend, Bunny Mills, marketing consultant for Giuseppe Parmigiana and you are listening to Time Suck. I hope you like the sound the new recording equipment we're

using for the first time this week. If you want to see my face still you can find me on social media just search my name handles come up if you're interested. Trying to post more stuff from just day-to-day life. Man it feels good feels good just to be, you know, focusing on just a story, not worrying about how I'm looking on camera. And I am butt naked, if you are curious right now. And cover, just dripping, literally dripping in olive oil. Feels good. Also, so random, have you heard Royal Otis' cover of Linger from the Cranberries?

Holy shit, they kill a virgin with nothing but a guitar and the voice of an angel. Also, real quick, merch, oh man. Ding. Yippee! Introducing the Father God tee, featuring a picture of me from my colloidal silver days. As I proudly exclaim. Ding. Yippee! And then next up, Bad Magic, bringing you the next artery clogging flavor to America's most popular heart-stopping energy drink brand. Introducing Whippleipple Elvis Edition 100% rock and cock and roll to satisfy the thirst of your inner king. Thank you very much. And next up for spaces is only a

replica of the original Pootie and Juju Records t-shirt. Pootie and your lunch back Shirley! It's now in store. Feeds the dynamic duo themselves. Grab this rare piece of history by using your secret spaces or password. Also there are two surprise re-releases of some classic times like designs. So head on over to badmagicproductions.com and stock up. And now just a quick pronunciation note before we dive in. Newt. Note.

Newt. Note. I've never come across a historical figure and heard his name pronounced in so many different ways. As the central character of our tale today. X-I-U-Q-U-A-N. Not exaggerating. When I say I watched seven different historical YouTube videos,

popular, well-respected channels, well-spoken hosts, every single narrator pronounces his name in an entirely different way. Shu-twan, Sho-twen, Shu-kwan, Hua-shu, Si-shuan,

Sho-tran, Sho-shu-en, Sho-shi-wen. Eventually I decided to listen to somebody speak in actual Mandarin, saying his name. And even when I slowed the audio down, not a fucking clue he said. Some of these words are words I believe they can only be pronounced correctly if you're a native speaker of Mandarin Chinese, which I'm not. I'm gonna go with Shou-Kuan. It's one I feel the most confident about and if you don't think that's right,

well whatever you think it should sound like is probably also not right. So why don't you calm down? I'm doing my best over here. Okay, let's get it started. The Taiping rebellion was revolt against the Qing Dynasty. It was a fight primarily influenced by the religious convictions of one deranged, but clearly charismatic on some level lunatic. And then it evolved into something beyond him, into a movement that very nearly destroyed a powerful empire. Time for some Chinese culture and history lessons, then a timeline of the rebellion from beginning to its crazy end. The Qing Dynasty was China's last imperial dynasty. They had a hell of a run.

The Qing Dynasty was China's last imperial dynasty. They had a hell of a run. 1644 to 1912 CE, over two and a half centuries, longer than the entire history of the United States. But only ten emperors. Crazy how long you can be in charge when there's no term limits and you can start ruling as a child. Some of them ruled for over 60 years each. They were preceded by the Ming Dynasty who ruled for even longer from 1368 to 1644, almost three full centuries, followed by the Republic of China which lasted from 1912 to 1949, before that government was ousted to Taiwan where they remain today by a fucking psychopath named Mao Zedong, subject of Time Suck episode 238 and his people's, oh my gosh, people's republic government

that was not actually in favor of helping the people. Population in China surged during the 268 years of Qing Dynasty rule from 150 million to 450 million. Expanded their borders greatly during those years as well, pushing into and conquering parts of Mongolia, Tibet, Xinjiang, the now autonomous region northwest of Tibet. Any minority groups that came from these territorial expansions like the Mongols, the Uyghurs, the Kazakhs, Tibetans, etc. Literally dozens of different ethnic groups were forcefully assimilated into Chinese traditional culture, also forced to the bottom of the socioeconomic rungs of Chinese society.

I think we generally think of Western European colonizers doing that, right? Like in the Americas, for example. Conquering, then forcing the people they conquer to adapt to their culture, but that is not an exclusively European thing by any means. Not some trade of the white folk, a trade of pretty much all folk. Same shit has gone on everywhere in the world, including Asia. The bigger, stronger, more territorially expansion- minded culture gobbles up the smaller, weaker, less conqueror focused cultures around it. The Qing established their dynasty after the

Ming government weakened by famines and decades of fighting a variety of enemies along their massive borders, right, so many miles of borders, called upon the Manchus for military assistance. Rebel leader Li Zicheng captured the capital city of Beijing in 1644 and then the Ming needed to get rid of him. Then instead of helping the Ming emperor, the Manchurian leader Norhachi took over the throne for himself. Fairly common historical occurrence. When you ask somebody to take your empire back for you by force and then they are able to do that and they do take it, they don't always hand it over to you because they know obviously that if you weren't strong enough

to take it for yourself in the first place, it's not like you're gonna be able to take it from them now. The Qing dynasty was then led by the Manchu, an ethnic minority group within China. The Manchus have lived in the region of Manchuria since prehistoric times. Manchuria is made up of present day, made up of all of present day, excuse me, northeastern China and parts of the Russian far east.

So many different ethnic groups actually now fall under the general label of Chinese to us here in the west. The name Manchu has existed since at least as far back as the 1500s and they're descended from the Tungusic peoples. Early records called them the Eastern barbarians. Way back in the third century CE they were called Suhshen or Yilo. Then in the fourth through seventh centuries they were called the Wuji or Momo. In the 10th century they were known as the Jurchen. And then the Jurchen established a kingdom in Manchuria and by 1115 controlled all of the region of today's northeastern China. The Jurchen were nearly destroyed by the Mongols in the early 13th century. Mongols were fucking up everybody. And then in 1234, when the fighting was over, some of the survivors returned to Manchuria.

The descendants of the remaining Jurchen became the Manchu, who grew strong again over the centuries, conquering Beijing and they began the Qing dynasty. The previous Ming dynasty leaders were Han Chinese, another ethnic group, and a big one, the dominant ethnic group in China for centuries and centuries, and actually the largest ethnic group in the world. Approximately 17.5% of all of Earth's people are Han Chinese. So if you're hanging out with five other people, statistically one of them has to be Han Chinese. Figure out who, nothing matters. Over 1.4 billion people today are Han Chinese. Over 97% of Taiwan's population is Han.

Over 75% of Singapore's population descended from Han peoples. Over 7 million Han in Thailand, almost 6 million in the US and on and on and on. They originated from a collection of agricultural tribes that once lived along the Yellow River in northern China's central plains. Since the majority Chinese citizens are and were Han Chinese, the Manchus were seen as foreign invaders and the sentiment remained with many Han Chinese for centuries. That'll be important for the Taiping Rebellion.

Although they overthrew the Ming Dynasty, the Qing government continued to use the same old system of leadership and actually employed a lot of former Ming government officials to keep it going. That was also not well liked by a lot of the people. They also made sure that only Manchus were placed in the very highest government positions. They allowed Ming military leaders who surrendered to become nobles. They divided the old Imperial Ming army into two sections. Ming soldiers became the Green Standard Army. Their purpose was to prevent further rebellions. The Manchu banner troops, meanwhile, remained at the capital city of Beijing and select spots throughout the country.

One of their main jobs was to make sure the former Ming peoples, mainly Han Chinese, didn't try and pull some bullshit. Allison, from the newfound power, there's a fuck, there's a new sheriff in town. You Ming motherfuckers, you better know what to do. Respect the man Chu. Woo! The Qing Empire, figuring out how to avoid the famines that weakened the previous regime, at least early in their long reign began importing a lot of food from abroad. And interacting with more cultures to do so led to a variety of equal, excuse me, a variety of quality of life improvements, including an improvement in medicine medicine overall health care.

This led to better health, longer lives, more societal stability. Smallpox was virtually eradicated. Infant deaths greatly reduced. Increased demand for Chinese silk and tea boosted the economy. Life was better than it was before for many, but not for all. During the Qing Dynasty, society became highly stratified, which is a good way to make people want to revolt. Social hierarchy with the Imperial rulers at the top had these so-called Mean people at the bottom. That's actually how it's translated. The mean people.

Jesus, they just straight up decided that some people were subhuman. Mean people with no honor, just fucking dirty swamp apes. These mean people were the surviving descendants of many different ethnic minority groups who survived Chinese expansion into their territories And also people who worked in certain occupations like sex workers musicians actors low-class government bureaucrats servants and more You know as a creative I would have definitely been one of the mean people These mean people servants could also be prisoners of war the children of families who'd sold their own sons or daughters to pay off their debts. Can you imagine doing that? It's so hard to fathom just selling one of your children or many of them, all of them.

These bills aren't gonna pay themselves Monroe. You sure as shit don't have the job skills to help us out right now. So in the overall interest of what's best for the fam, you're no longer in the fam. You belong to the Chens now. Best luck. It was fun having you as a daughter for a while, now grab your shit and get the fuck out! The Chens' floors aren't gonna scrub themselves! It sucked to be one of the mean people.

I might as well have called them the mud people. The shit people. Maybe just the shit stains. Ching didn't allow intermarriage between the shit stains and the rest of the social classes, including the rest of the commoners who were called the good people. The good ones, basically. Oh, those are the good ones. Yeah, those are poor, but they're the good ones.

The shit stains were barred from a variety of professions, from taking the civil service exams that could allow other social upward mobility. Directly above these mean people were the good commoners, the good people, the good ones, people who weren't total shit stains stains still had the stink of the poor upon them Artisans merchants lowest ranks the military low-level teachers a variety of lower level government officials were in this group Hong Shou Kwan one of these pores Above them some slightly better commoners less stinky, but they still got a little money. Thank God landlords farmers peasants Above them were the gentry, government officials who

included important scholars, but like not the bottom government officials. Now these are important officials, important military officers. And above them the emperor and his immediate family. And in the upper classes outside of the emperor and his immediate kin, they were always a little worried about downward mobility. Being convicted of some crime could knock you down a peg or three. Losing your land, getting fired for an important job, you can caught up in some scandal, could also send you tumbling down. You could also descend into in your ranking by marrying someone below your class, which for most families was a huge no-no most of the time. Basically you marry that stinky

fucking poor, we will disown you. Unless they have a lot of money and we find ourselves broke, then it's okay. they have a lot of money and we find ourselves broke, then it's okay. But sometimes a member of say the gentry whose family was in financial trouble could marry a wealthy merchant and now this merchant would be lifted up into their social class. And upward mobility was possible in the Qing dynasty in some other ways. Mostly through the civil service exam, also known as the imperial examination. Very, very important test. A test unlike anything we have here in the US today. There's nothing comparable or comparable in any modern country that I am aware of. The concept of choosing various

bureaucrats by merit rather than by birthright began in the late 6th century or early 7th century during the brief reign of the Sui Dynasty. It was possible, for example, through acing this exam for a lower class peasant to make their way up to becoming an official government scholar or top bureaucrat. So you could go from like right next to the very bottom to right next to the very top. This exam was a huge deal.

You know, you'd be like placed just beneath the emperor's family if you were good enough with it. And for many families, it was the only way for them to increase their lot in life. Many families saved up, spent all their money for their sons to take the civil service exam, the most prestigious careers, were working for the imperial bureaucracy or to be a scholar slash official. And if the son of a peasant, for example, passed this exam, not only would they rise in social status, but they could pull their whole family status up with them.

Families in the upper class also focused on making sure their son studied to maintain the family's prestige to ensure they weren't judged by their peers for having some low-performing idiot son. Daughters? They did not get to take the exam. China had a very hard no-puss rule. A very patriarchal society historically, even more so than ours. Their brains not valued nearly as much as their bicycles. Their hymns much more important than anything that might exist in between their ears. Eastern traditions much the same as western traditions that way, right? Women to be subjugated and uh fucked. Lucifino wants me to to remind you ladies that the overwhelming majority of human history has been rooted in female

subjugation and the horror of that reality has often been masked by referring to the old ways with you know cute little descriptors like traditional family values. Most of the rights you possess are very recent, so don't forget that. If I can fight for those rights that are continually under threat, hail Lusifena. Anyway, there were many jobs for women in China under Qing rule. Outside of sex work, some would work as maids for the top two social classes. Others might be forced to work labor jobs as a form of punishment for the family owing the state money, for example, or some wealthy person.

Some mean class mud people women might work as musicians, storytellers, shopkeepers, etc. If the women in your family worked, it was actually a shameful thing. You were poor as fuck. You were a member of the bottom two classes for the most part. Women were expected to stay home, tend to household duties, look beautiful, do whatever their husbands and fathers asked them, and raise the children. Society in Qing China, as it was before their dynasty, was not only very patriarchal, but also big on order and just overall tradition. One of the main jobs of the Qing government was to enforce order and tradition.

Keep shit the same. Brothers before hoes, keep the poor as powerless. Make sure everyone stays on top that's already on top. Morality books published from the late 1500s onwards promoted Confucianism and a patriarchal family structure. Families led by the father, daughters married, joined their husbands households, daughter-in-laws, and sons lived in the family house together. The family structure reflected Confucian values which emphasized respect and The family structure reflected Confucian values which emphasized respect and filial piety Be good kids respect your dads and granddads do your best to bring honor to your family name

Don't give up that post before marriage. Don't fuck up that exam son And even when you do pass that exam you show your father some fucking respect stay humble right and then respect his wife This is your mom a quick summary of Confucianism here since the Taiping would rebel very strongly against Confucian values. It was China's state religion of sorts when the rebellion occurred but it's actually not a religion, not an organized religion despite having Confucian temples where important community and civic rituals happen. There's no gods, no focus on the afterlife or on creation. It's more of a philosophy code of ethics than a religion. There is a general belief in the afterlife. While it doesn't explicitly discuss an afterlife, some Confucian ideals may lead to an honored

afterlife such as being dutiful, you know, kids, dutiful people. Confucius himself said that people should focus on everyday life because we know so little about the afterlife. However, he also envisioned an afterlife where individuals could reach sagehood and are worshipped by their families and their descendants. So there is some vague concept of an afterlife. A Confucius born, Kong Qiyu, in what is now eastern China, in what is now the city of Shandong, was a philosopher and teacher who lived from 551 to 479 BCE. It's a long time ago. His thoughts on ethics, good behavior, moral character will be written down by his disciples in several books similar to

Jesus' disciples, writing things down later. Confucianism promotes ancestor worship, human centered virtues for living a peaceful life. Some examples of ancestor worship include maintaining a shrine in one's home for relatives that have passed on, making offerings of food and drink, flowers or incest at grave sites, the golden rule of Confucianism, same as the golden rule of Christianity, do not do unto others what you would not want others to do unto you. Confucianism also a term that Westerners coined. There's no equivalent in any Chinese dialect. Over time Confucian teachings became closely tied to the rituals and beliefs associated with Buddhism, Taoism. Together, the tenets of these three philosophies became known as the Three Teachings, I guess two of them more

religions than philosophies, and then all three deeply embedded in Chinese culture during this episode's conflict. The main idea of Confucianism is the importance of having a good moral character which can affect the world around a person through the idea of cosmic harmony. This moral character is achieved through the virtue of humanity, which leads to more virtuous behavior such as respect, altruism, humility. If an emperor has moral perfection, his rule will be peaceful and benevolent, it was believed. Confucianism also includes strict rules about class in Chinese society, which contributed to the stratification of Chinese society.

During the Han Dynasty, Emperor Wu Di, who reigned from 141 to 87 BCE, made Confucianism the official state ideology and remained the ideological focus of China until Confucianism was denounced many, many centuries later under Mao Zedong in communist China. Now let's talk about the shit stains again. Many ethnic minorities outside of the Manchu people who had been conquered and forced to assimilate in Qing society and one of the many many groups

were the Hakka. The ethnic group of which the batshit crazy star of this suck Hong Shu Kuan was a member. The Hakka people had lived in China for centuries before Qing rule. The Hakka originally lived in northern China, but most of them migrated into South China as the centuries passed and as they needed to flee from Mongol invaders. Historians believed or believe the Hakka originally lived in the Hunan and Shaanxi provinces in the Huanghu Valley aka the Yellow River Valley. They moved south in two large migrations. One was in the early 4th century and a second in the late 9th century, most likely to escape

war or domination from other Asian populations. A final migration in the 13th century, when the Mongols ran them off, the Mongols causing problems, so many people, took them to the provinces they resided in during the start of the Qing Dynasty. They mainly lived in the Guangdong, Fujian, Jiangxi, and Guangxi provinces. The name Hakka most likely comes from a Cantonese pronunciation of the Mandarin word, Khajiya, which means guest people. Northerners were called guest people to distinguish them from the Bundi, another ethnic group native to where they settled in the 13th century. The Hakka may have also named themselves as after migrating and they were treated unsurprisingly

as second class citizens. The Hakka worked primarily as low paid laborers, members of the bottom two rungs of society. Unlike a lot of other ethnic groups, the Hakka refused to assimilate in traditional Chinese society. They shunned foot binding, which was a common practice back then. They refused to wear the q, big ass braided ponytail. I'm sure you've seen this many times with like ancient Chinese drawings and things. The Manchu required all of their men to shave their heads and wear that one big ass long braid, the q, coming

off the back of the head. That was symbolic of Manchurian rule, but also came in handy when Imperial agents needed to control a group of captured men. They would just tie these guys' braids together. And that is one of the many reasons I don't have a long, luxurious, just fucking stallion braid of hair. I just don't want it, you know, to be tied to other long, luxurious braids of other dudes. These cues also made executions easier. They could have somebody hold it and keep somebody's head in the right position to lop it off with a sword. Seriously, that was like one of the reasonings for having this. One of the many joys of living in the ancient world. Why don't you have your hair cut in a way that'll make it easy for us to fucking lop your heads off if you're a problem.

It was a symbol of enforcing uniformity as well in tradition and the Hakka not having it. In the 1700s and 1800s the Hakka became involved in a number of land feuds with the Bundi, right? Some minor uprisings. The Taiping rebellion would be partially influenced by these conflicts. Bundi people did eventually join the revolt, but the origins of the Taiping rebellion came specifically from the Hakka people's oppression. Now back it up a bit so we can build up this rebellion. During the first part of the Qing dynasty China thrived socially, academically, and economically. In the early Qing times life was good for most people and then after Qing society peaked in the late

1700s it started to slowly decline. Emperor Kangxi who reigned from 1661 to 1722 took over part of Russia expanding the border of Manchuria. Under his reign, the Manchus defeated the Zungar Mongols and extended the empire to Outer Mongolia, Tibet, Zongaria, Turkestan, and Nepal. Emperor Yongzheng, who ruled from 1722 to 1735, and his successor, Emperor Chenglong, who ruled from 1735 to 1735 and his successor Emperor Cheng Long ruled from 1735 to 1796 promoted commerce and began tolerating Catholic missionaries which will excuse me directly lead to the rebellion since it was led by someone thinking that the Christian God had designed you know or you know deemed for them to lead this rebellion and rule China. Painting, printmaking, porcelain,

philology, the study of literary texts and written words to determine their meaning flourished during these times. The Qing also established a uniform national economy based in copper and silver coinage, then paper money as well, which stabilized the empire's economy. But then the later Qing years became marked by political distress, opium wars, and rapid change. The Chinese empire was so large, so much land, full of so many different largely disgruntled people, that small uprisings were a frequent problem for the government.

And the 1800s saw a rapid surge in these rebellions and the government was having a harder and harder time squashing them thanks in part to being weakened by foreign encroachment from Europe. The first Opium War was fought from 1839 to 1842 between China and Britain, triggered by the Chinese government's campaign to enforce its prohibition of opium, which included destroying opium stocks owned by British merchants and the British East India Company, the British were the ones selling the opium to the Chinese. In the 17th century, the practice of smoking opium mixed with tobacco spread from Southeast Asia over to China, which created a greater and greater demand for the drug and more and more problems for Chinese society. Long before the

U.S. had an opioid crisis, China had a massive opium crisis. Instead of having Big Pharma to blame, they had Big Britain and its merchants pushing the drug on people all over Asia, making so much money doing so. A second costly opium war was fought from 1856 to 1860 while the Taiping rebellion raged. The Chinese would lose both of its opium wars. After the first one, they lost Hong Kong, agreed to open more ports which allowed British traders to push even more illegal opium into their society. They agreed to allow some Christian missionaries access to China and also to pay for war reparations. After the second war, they agreed to open up more ports still, allow even greater access into China for Christian missionaries access to China and also to pay for war reparations. After the second war, they agreed to open up more ports still, allow even greater access into China for Christian missionaries, and also legalize opium use, which of course spread

the addiction further weakening Chinese society. Crazy, right? The British did this? Ruthlessly exploited another culture for their own greedy financial gain and imperial ambitions? Who would have guessed? During this chaotic time, the gap between the rich and the poor widened, and the rich soon controlled the overwhelming majority of land ownership. Civil unrest was worsened by severe floods and another period of famine in addition to

the havoc wreaked during the Opium Wars. Prior to the Opium Wars, the Qing Empire had grown so large it was seen as invincible, and mass rebellion was out of the question. People also believed, because they were taught this, that the Emperor had a heavenly mandate to rule China, which would be revoked if he misused it. So he had to be good. They began to accept this vague notion of the heavens choosing the Qing Emperors.

Because the Qing went so long without anyone questioning their power, the military became poorly trained and ill-equipped. Armies not prepared to deal with foreign threats or a massive internal threat. Then the Opium Wars happened. And let me explain these I know we just went over them but in a bit more detail now. So much this information was new to me I felt like I needed to lock it in my head talk about it a few times before moving on to have it all make sense. These wars again born from the Qing dynasty's efforts to limit opium in China.

The British wanted the trade routes open for them to ship as many drugs as they wanted, but China did not want this. And that was actually the right call. In the 1700s, Britain had conquered a large poppy growing territory in India. And soon they were smuggling the opium from India into China via the East India company, and then they would use the drug profits to export teat, uh, export teat, they would use the drug profits to export teat, export teat? They would use the drug profits to export breast milk, human female breast milk.

A huge fucking thing. They had a lot of titty farms going on in China. So many fucking women working in these sweatshop titty farms. No, they used the drug profits to export tea, silk, porcelain, other luxury goods to Europe. This legal trade caused opium addiction to skyrocket amongst Chinese citizens. And the Europe. This legal trade caused opium addiction to skyrocket

amongst Chinese citizens and the Qing dynasty then outlawed opium importation and cultivation to try and decrease this chaos in their country and help their people. Another problem was that all the new foreign money in the economy was causing inflation during a time when a rising population needed more food, incomes decreased, taxes increased. Then the White Lotus Rebellion, originally a tax protest in 1796, turned into a full-on revolt. To add more fuel to the fire, the government was happy to export Chinese products but refused to buy Western products, which created a trade deficit. British and American merchants now set up a floating, multiple floating opium warehouses off the Guangdong coast, smuggled opium in

through a network of dealers. By 1839, opium balanced out the trade deficit, but addiction rates in the country were skyrocketing. There were an estimated 10 million addicts in a population of 400 million by 1839. Inflation, taxation, opium use is increasing, leading to widespread poverty. Emperor Dong... or Donghuang was fed up with the opium crisis, ordered all foreign opium to be destroyed, over 1,400 tons are trashed, which caused a significant loss of money for some British merchants, and that began the first Opium War, just over drug money. The first Opium War began... or again lasted from 1839 to 1842.

Britain resorted to gunboat diplomacy to force the Chinese government to keep ports open in Shanghai, Canton, other key locations. The Treaty of Nanking settled the first war and resulted in China giving Hong Kong up to the British. The Treaty of Nanking decreased the power of the Emperor, gave Britain economic advantages over China, also led to an influx of Christian missionaries in China, a factor which will become important later. The Second Opium War lasts from 1856 to 1860.

Great Britain and France joined against China together to legalize the opium trade and get further concessions from the Emperor. As I said, China lost both of these wars. Britain gained commercial privileges for opium and land in China. Before 1860, for example, Western traders only allowed to trade through the Koh-Hung. 13 authorized merchants approved by the central government and that greatly limited their access to China. Treaty of Nanking ended that system. Greatly expanded access for both European and now also American trade. They're getting in on it. After these frankly incredibly unjust wars based in brutal exploitation, China

entered what became known as the Century of Humiliation, defined by wars, rebellions, famine, economic disaster. The century would finally end with the beginning of the People's Republic of China in 1949. After the first Opium War, opinions on the Empire's heavenly prestige shifted considerably. Chinese citizens in general lost a lot of respect for what they previously thought was an invincible government. The Qing dynasty had been in power for over 200 years, led again by the minority Manchu people.

And although respected, this group still hated throughout China by most people. Now all the problems in the country are turning sentiment strongly against the Manchus, and China is struggling to maintain its power, wealth, prestige. The emperor following the Second Opium War is Emperor Tong Ji. He ruled from 1861 to 1875. He became emperor at the age of only five, so his mother, Empress Dowager Cixi, controlled the government. And she began the Tong Ji restoration to strengthen Qing power by reinforcing traditional Chinese

societal rules and Confucianism. But Qi Xi's bureaucracy? Inefficient and corrupt. For example, funds for building up a navy instead went to creating a marble warship at the Imperial Summer Palace. Money meant for China's defense. Money that could have also gone to help starving people in opium-addicted villages instead used for some opulent royal decor.

So the emperor's just a bit out of touch with the needs of the poor's. During the time of the Opium Wars, China's economy shifted from being based in the southern regions to the north, causing a lot of people to lose their jobs, go hungry, and enter further economic crisis. And again, one of the peoples who primarily lived in the south were the Hakka people, already culturally oppressed and discriminated against, now they're economically destitute. And all of this helps explain why so many people flock towards today's subject, Hong Shu Kuan, and his crazy fucking beliefs.

He promised them what the government would not. The Taiping rebellion, while based somewhat in Christianity, was made possible mostly because of building hatred of the Manchu people and the Qing's Chinese traditions that were increasingly seen as outdated and blatantly repressive to people like the Hakka as well as widespread economic struggle Throughout Chinese history most of the Empire's many revolts were born out of a desire for the people fighting to build better lives for themselves and put an end to their suffering by changing the old ways that they felt trapped in and Breaking away from those traditions pretty much why all revolts are fought anywhere at any time right out with the old ways that they felt trapped in and breaking away from those traditions.

Pretty much why all revolts are fought anywhere at any time, right? Out with the old, in with the new. And now, with all of this history and context established, I got a hell of a tale for you, in today's Time Suck Timeline, right after today's first of two mid-show sponsor breaks. Thanks for listening to those ads. If you don't want to hear anymore, get the entire catalog ad free and more by signing up to be a Spacers on Patreon for five bucks a month. And now, it is actually timeline time.

Shrap on those boots, soldier. We're marchin' time-suck timeline. On January 1st, 1814, Hong Arnold Bartholomew Shu Kuan, born in the village of Guanloubu in the Guangdong province of China, and soon he will go by the nickname of Porkchop. No, he won't. His middle name is also not Arnold or Protholomew. He didn't have any middle names. He didn't need them! At the age of 20, though, per Chinese tradition, he will be given the courtesy name of Zhen Kuan.

A courtesy name basically is a rite of passage thing. You're no longer a boy, you're a man, so here's your new manly name to mark that change kind of thing. Han grew up in a time, as we went over, of extreme economic and political chaos in China which he himself would contribute to massively. Holy shit would he ever in his later years. Hong was the youngest of four children. He and his family as I mentioned were Hakka, the oppressed group of people who had migrated to South China from the north. Hong was born into a family of farmer peasants. He was a commoner but not quite a mud person. He's

one of the good ones. Not one of those fucking dirty mean people. Some sources say he and his family actually had quite a bit of money. Just not much status due to their ethnicity. Hong had a classical education, was taught the traditional values of Chinese society, Confucianism. He was also highly intelligent as a little kid by the age of 11. He could recite all of the classic Confucian texts. Hong also got the highest scores in his village's preliminary civil exams. Think PSAT compared to SAT here in the states, taken before the age of 13. So naturally he's dreaming big. He's assuming that he's gonna crush his civil exams, raise his family's social status, make quite the respectable name for himself. Hong's entire family believed he was exceptionally gifted. He was special.

He was destined for great things. And in a way they weren't wrong. It's just not the things that they thought he was going to do. Some sources say that his entire village had a hand in supporting his education. Local teachers were volunteering to spend extra time tutoring him so he could still succeed at the civil service, you know, exam level. They all hoped he'd pass the exam, become an important part of the bureaucracy, that he would bring honor to not just himself and his family,

but also to his friends and his village. It's a kind of a mentality of like, if he wins, we all win, we all rise together. Right? But damn, the pressure this is placing on him. Can you imagine how afraid of failure you would be in this situation? Not just your whole family, but your entire community, your entire town is looking to you. You're going to the guy, you're gonna be who's gonna be the one. You're gonna be the one to put this town on the map. Don't fuck it up buddy. We all need this. We're all counting on you. In 1827, Hong takes the insanely

important Chinese Civil Service exam for the very first time and the pressure of all these expectations has gotten to the prodigal son. He fails miserably, doesn't even earn the lowest official degree. However, there were many candidates competing and the rest were older than him. Since he's only 13, not all hope is lost. He's bummed, he's crying his little eyes out, but he's going to get back after it. So he studies for three more years. After three more years, a non-stop study, the pressure building each year. In 1830, at the age of 16, now Hong takes the test again and he fucks it up again. Crushing blow to not just all his hopes and dreams, but to the hopes and dreams of just about

everybody in his village. He had traveled all the way to Guangzhou, capital of the Guangdong province, and about a 45-minute drive from his village of Guang Lobo, today again, just for nothing. Luckily it took him a few days back then to make it there and a few days to get back home. A few days of just sulking in despair, just fucking taking a bath in your failure, only to bring everyone terrible news. I picture banners being put up all over his village,

everyone's waiting with confetti. I don't know, they got fireworks, they got champagne bottles. You know, they start cheering when they see him come over the horizon. Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip wah wah wah. Everyone walks away sulking. Honking, hear, you know, dudes muttering shit like, fucking told you, stupid. Let's take a moment to discuss this civil service exam. Just a bit more to understand how big of a deal this was. The imperial exams were based on Confucian classics. Were part of efforts to ensure conformity in thought. Exams were held every three years in provincial capitals.

These exams were hard as fuck. They took three full days to complete. A test that took three days. Notoriously difficult. Only 10 to 20 percent of test takers would pass on any level at all. And all of the test takers had been studying their entire lives to take this test. If you not only pass but pass with a high score that put you into the top one to two percent of takers, well then you would land a big role in the imperial bureaucracy. And you would dramatically change the destiny of your family opening doors not just for yourself, but for your siblings, parents, etc. To make a lot more money, marry into financially better off classes of people, etc. The exam is again based primarily in Confucianism. Traditional Confucian literature consists of four books, five classics, that all the

candidates were tested on. The exam had three stages called Xiu Tai, the cultivated talents held at the local level. So you took the first test at home to see if you're worthy of the second test, which was the juzhen, the recommended man at the prefectural capital. This is what he goes to do. This is a three-day test at the prefectural capital. And if you pass that test, well then you would move on for the third and final test, the jinshu, held in Beijing. Only passing the jinshu would make you eligible for the highest offices. The

government took precautions to prevent cheating, different districts were given different quotas for recruitment so that no one region could dominate the top spots. The expected format of the essay portion of the test was the eight-legged essay with eight main headings, no more than 700 characters, and writing about a set topic. The use of the essay was often criticized because it only tested writing ability, not the ability to run the government, but whatever. To pass you had to have the Confucian classics essentially memorized, as well as know the laws, government structure, history of China. Also have incredible public speaking skills.

This exam first began, as I mentioned before, the timeline during the late 6th century or early 7th century during the brief reign of the Xui dynasty, taking over from an earlier form of the exam created during the Han dynasty in the 2nd century BCE. Han dynasty lasted from 206 BCE to 220 CE, long run, the test that originated in a school known as the Imperial Academy that once produced 30,000 superior students each year. The Tang dynasty, which lasted from 618 to 907 CE, then fully established the civil service exams to test writing and calligraphy, formal essay writing, knowledge of classic literature, math, law, government,

poetry, and public speaking. The Ming Dynasty, which again ruled from 1368 to 1644, shifted to having the exam every three years, a tradition which the Qing Dynasty continued. You know, it might get bumped back a year if there was, you know, big famine or war, but in general every three years. Students had to take these tests in so-called examination cells.

They would live in these cells for the three days. On the start of the first exam day, the candidates gathered in a great hall or courtyard. They went to their cells once it was time to begin all this pomp and circumstance, you know. Weirdly, there was an audience for these these exams like it was a spectator sport When I talked to Lindsey about all this she said it reminded her of the Hunger Games and it is similar Lots of people maybe your whole family even most your village would watch you take this test would travel to watch you there would be vendors Selling fucking snacks and shit to people in the crowd

How boring was day-to-day life back then in China? When you would choose to watch someone write essays and take quizzes for three full days? I mean, I get that the stakes are high and it's important, but was it fun to watch? Like, I love Jeopardy! It's a fun show, but it's rare that I can sit still for the length of more than one episode. And it's a half-hour show. Actually, 22 minutes, you know, minus commercials. And I haven't watched a full episode in years You know when I would watch full episodes, you know I was good with one and then I wanted to go do something else Maybe two tops never more than two. I cannot imagine not only watching Jeopardy for three full days

But also having to leave my house to do so traveling for days to get to a place a gymnasium or some small amphitheater Watch this shit and not even getting to hear any cool effects while people are playing None of that fun stuff. I Love the jeopardy sounds. Mm-hmm. Time's up. Time's up Yes Huh, let's get the final jeopardy now,. Oh yeah, this is what I like. But it does stress me out a little bit. Anybody else?

It's like Pavlovian. I hear this and I'm like, I don't know! I need more time! I need more, I don't know! I need a clue! Anyway, they're watching this fucking crazy, not even as fun as Jeopardy thing for days. Now back to the timeline. After failing twice to get a prestigious government job, Hong now begins to work as a school teacher

back in his village. A hugely disappointing, how could you be so smart when you were like 11 and then get so fucking stupid by the age of 13 school teacher. Now he was a guy everyone I imagine whispered about. Some version of the dude who had a cannon for an arm in high school, set school records as a quarterback on the football team. Everyone thought he was a lock for the pros. He was destined to be a division 1 star at the very least, but

then he just fizzled out. Freshman year of college, never made it off the practice squad. Lost his scholarship, came back home with his tail between his legs, finished up his degree online, maybe the local traditional, non-traditional campus, excuse me. Now he's teaching PE, coaching the JV squad. You can always hear people whispering around him, you know he was supposed to play for Ohio State. He was gonna be in the NFL. He couldn't handle the pressure. He blew it. Right? Poor bastard. But Hong, not done. Not ready to accept this new fate. He's gonna try again.

He takes it very seriously. He waits another six years now. He skips one test. He's like, I'm just gonna study for six straight years after I already studied my whole life. Hong studies with his older cousin a lot, Hong Zhen Gong, whom he looked up to, a man who also made his career as a teacher. In 1836, Hong passes his local civil service exam qualifier, so he can go take the regional test for the third time. Now older and wiser, Hong feels he is truly ready to get that big government job. He's gonna head to Beijing, he's gonna win it all! It's his destiny! He travels to Wangzhou again to take the next phase of this exam.

Third time, which actually took place in 1837, because some shit happened in 1836. He's feeling more pressure than ever. No longer the 13-year-old child prodigy, he's 23. Family is still desperate for him to get a top score. Please bring us honor. Bring us upward mobility, you son of a bitch. We've let you skip chores for your whole fucking life to study. Many people in his village still believe him.

Come on, buddy, I sacrificed fucking my wife to tutor you for years. What are you doing? Why'd they expect he's gonna right all the wrongs of his previous tests, pass with flying colors, move on to get a prestigious job, bring honor to the village, use the position to bring prosperity to the region, blah, blah, blah.

Hong had the expectations of so many riding on his shoulders. And a quick note about Guangzhou. Guangzhou where he took the exam, only current port of entry for foreign traders at that time in China, which made it a very unique place. Big melting pot of people from various cultures, specifically from Western countries, which was very new in China. It was one of the only places in all of China where you might ever even see a Western person. Non-Chinese visitors were allowed to stay in a neighborhood only called the factories. They were forbidden to learn Chinese, which I find interesting, and they were threatened with execution if they preached Christianity, but some still did.

The government believed Christianity to be a quote barbarian faith. Any Chinese converts would be forced to renounce their faith or be executed. However, many of the Christian missionaries are willing to risk their lives and die for the God they worshiped. And one of these missionaries had converted a local man named Li Yong Afa. Li Yong was a printer who wrote his own Christian literature. He distributed his pamphlets to other Christian converts, many of whom had become Christian missionaries in Guangzhou. One of these missionaries gave Hong one of these pamphlets. He took it,

said he was too worried about his exam at the time to read it, but he'll read it soon enough. And my oh my, will it change not only his life, but the lives of millions of others. After three grueling days inside his examination cell, Hong of course, failed his civil service exam for the third time and is beyond devastated. He returns home with a very heavy heart feeling exceptionally sad and shameful. He had disappointed everyone yet again. It's been a decade of being a disappointment now. He also read that Christian pamphlets. Clearly a lot of his messages lodged themselves in his subconscious. So fucking stressed out. He literally made himself sick. When he got home, he wept, begged his family to forgive him.

He told him he did not feel well, and then he fell into a coma that lasted for 30 days, according to the story. Some sources say coma, most do. Sounds more to me like he was just bedridden and drifting in and out of consciousness, and not like a true coma. Still, very intense. Dude, was that worked up about this exam? That's how much stress he's carrying. So much weight. It meant everything to him. Failing it for the third time literally almost killed him. Came down with a nasty fever, was so sick he began to hallucinate. And now in his mind he goes on a journey. He goes on a quest to a heavenly land in the East where people worship him. Oh hell yeah. This failure is getting worshiped now. In this magical land

he sees his father and his father reveals to him that literal demons are destroying mankind. Oh, no They saw an old man with a golden beard wearing a black robe. We gave him a special sword. Oh fuck Yeah, bro. You got a sword for your quest now Pretty awesome. Things are getting intense I have the power! Hong and an older brother of his now showed up in this literal fever dream who showed up. Now they fight these fucking demons to the death together. And then they fight the king of hell.

Satan! The boogeyman with a thousand names. Beelzebub. Lucifer. The prince of darkness. Pat Sajak. After the battle ended. After Hong and his bro and that magic sword given to him by that golden-bearded ninja

wizard motherfucker defeated so many demons, Hong stayed in heaven and got married. And he got laid. Oh hell yeah, some hot, steamy, heavenly P&V, hard dick, wet puss action, and they have a baby together, a heavenly baby. Not sure if the baby also had a golden beard. And a sword. That'd be a sick-ass baby. Baby with a golden beard and a sword. That'd be a sick-ass baby. Baby with a golden beard and a sword? That baby's a king, destined for gigachad greatness. Then this new holy family, with their not bearded but still pretty cool baby they made in literal

heaven, returned to earth right after Confucius himself. Confucius talked to Hong. Told Hong he fucked up. He taught people the wrong beliefs in China. Ah man, good for Confucius, right? It's not easy to apologize. Now back on Earth. Hong bears the title of as bestowed upon him by God, Heavenly King, Lord of the kingly way. By the power of Grayskull! Oh, what a great story. Cool story, bro. By the power of Grayskull! So that's how it all went down from Hong's perspective. Great story. Cool story, bro.

So that's how it all went down from Hong's perspective. From everyone else's perspective, Hong was just really sick for a month. And in his semi-conscious fever state, he would do shit like cry out loud about demons, claim he was the emperor of China, sing some random songs. Sometimes he would jump out of bed, acting like he was being attacked and ready to fight with his sword. When his fever finally broke and he started to feel better, he did not actually think right away that he was some sort of God. Or at least he kept it inside. He just thought he had some weird ass dreams. What he said, maybe saw heaven. Told his parents about the dreams. He wrote down some poems for them that he thought he had written in heaven. I'm sure they were awesome.

Reasonably his parents and the people in his village now thought he was insane. Which is fair. Because he kind of was. Hong was able to get his job back as a teacher. I guess they had a shortage. They're gonna take some crazy teachers. I'm sure his students were whispering all kinds of sorts of shit about him now. He continued teaching soon. He barely spoke about his fever dream visions and he moved on with his life. Kind of. Didn't move away from his ambition to become a high-level bureaucrat. And he gets back to non-stop study. He studies for another six years! At the age of 29 now, 1843, Hong takes the exam for the fourth and final time. He is not dated, very likely still a virgin, almost certainly a virgin still. He's only been studying, teaching, taking tests, having weird dreams.

His entire life's focus is acing this exam. And you know what happens. He just cannot pass this shit and he fails again. And now almost completely broken as a man. He accepts his purpose in life is to remain a village teacher. His family and village, they were wrong about him. Or at least he tries to accept this. Later in 1843, Hong's cousin, that other teacher, Hong Zhengan, borrows the pamphlet he received back in 1837,

written by that printer, Liang Afa, we met, entitled, Good Words for Exhorting the Age. Alright, sounds boring. Hong Zhengon convinces his cousin to read this pamphlet again. And the pamphlet focused on, of course, impending apocalypse. Here we go again. Always the end of days, for fuck's sake. Of course, it's a doomsday pamphlet. Also taught the basic elements of Christianity, Hong will later claim that he

only skimmed it over, shoved it onto his bookshelf, and then completely forgotten about it for several years. I don't buy that shit at all. I believe Hong Xiuquan, very, very familiar with it, that he probably read it about a thousand times, probably had it memorized. But according to this mythology, nearly every cult leader we've ever covered rewrites their own backstory. When Hong Xiuquan's cousin, Hong Zhenan, recommended the literature, Shiquan was like, oh, that old thing? Huh, what does it say? And he read it again.

And then now suddenly has an explanation. Oh, oh, man, those visions. Now I know what they mean. The ones, the fever dreams. Hong Shiquan, lifelong adherent to Confucianism and Chinese cultural values, now claims he has become a Christian. Kind of. Skipped over the part where you're supposed to be a humble follower of Christ.

And he goes straight to this new part that's not really a part where you're equal to Christ. He's now convinced that the father figure in his dreams was the Christian God. Older brother he had in his vision, that was Jesus. King of Hell was of course Satan. And now Hong Shiquan, one top child prodigy, and then guy who couldn't handle the pressure being that prodigy who wasn't smart enough to become a top level bureaucrat realizes he's none other than Jesus Christ's younger brother, second son of God. Holy shit! I kind of love a Middle Eastern Jewish Jesus having a Chinese little brother actually.

Or would it be half brother? I mean they have to have different moms right? Pretty sure the Virgin Mary It's not also Hong Shikuan's mom. That'd been too much for Joseph Really? Again, Mary? I still fucked my wife. Now I'm raised a Jewish and a Chinese son Who looks a lot like that Far East trader I saw about a year back at the farmers market? My dad? I've done anything I have. Oh Why would God first give you a Jewish baby now Chinese baby, huh? Both these fucking babies better be able to turn some water into wine because daddy's gonna need to drink a lot While reading excerpts from the pamphlet Hong translates the pronouns I, we, you, and he to now refer to himself. That's super cool

He seems to believe literature was written specifically for him. Hong now baptizes himself as one does prays to dad and considers himself a Christian God. Hong started telling his family about his religious epiphany, who I'm sure they didn't worry about his mental health at all. Rumors spread throughout the village that Hong was kind of a big celestial deal or was out of his mind. But as is the case with so, so many self-proclaimed Asaiis,

they always seem to convince a few people that they're the real deal. And once they convince a few people, well, those people help them convince so many other people. And the snowball starts rolling downhill and growing. Hong's first two followers were his cousin Hong Zhengan, who we met due to also love the pamphlet, also one of his fellow school teachers, Feng Yunchuan. So three school teachers. Fun fact about Feng. He had also failed his civil service. Oh my god. He also failed his civil service exams multiple times. So hell yeah, we got ourselves two guys now. Neither one smart enough to pass the test. Who now think they know more about the nature of God than almost anyone else in China.

One is new Jesus. Other will soon think he's new John the Baptist. Also typical of cult leaders life not working out for them. Right? Had Hong just passed the test and gotten a good job, he would have never gotten sick. Never had those visions. Never had a reason to completely want to take over China and get tens of millions of people killed. He would have just been content with his life making some decent money. But since he didn't do that, he conveniently becomes God on earth. Hong preached to his two followers now about his visions and about a demon race taken over China, and they ate up every word he told them. Cult, cult, cult. And so it begins. The strange seeds of a strange rebellion are being planted. And before we get further into this

madness time for today's second of two mid-show sponsor breaks. Thank you for listening to those sponsors. And now let us return to 1844 when Hong Shu Kuan ceases to be a village teacher and begins to run a growing revolutionary cult in earnest. Following year in 1844, Hong and Fong get fired from their jobs because they destroyed a tablet about Confucianism at school and were also weirdos that I imagine creeped a lot of people out. They went on to destroy all Confucian symbols and literature throughout their entire village. We're lucky they didn't get killed for doing so.

But it wasn't an important village being paid a lot of attention to. Instead of being imprisoned and or killed, Hong and Fong are able to gather a small following, and after getting fired, they hit the road selling writing ink and brushes for money. Spread the good word! Hong also started to write his own scripture titled, Exhortations to worship the one true god. Okay? Now he has his own weird pamphlet to hand out. His cousin, Hong Zhengan,

stays behind in his own neighboring village and is able to convert roughly people to follow Hong Shukuan's new religion. There were a lot of desperate and miserable people just looking to rebel. Looking for a way out of their hopeless, lower class fucking mud people shit stained-stained existence. Hong's new goal, his ultimate goal, is to cleanse China of any Manchu rulers, rulers

hated by so many, and create his heavenly kingdom, Taiping Tianguo. And to accomplish his goal, the mandate of heaven, the ancient Chinese philosophy determining the virtue of the emperor has to be revoked using military power. He's actively plotting for a bloody revolution. Hong's primary missionary, his former fellow schoolteacher friend, Feng Yunshan, converts followers primarily consisting of fellow Hakka peasants from the Guangxi neighboring province. Fellow Hakka tired of being viewed as second-class citizens

with the same axe to grind against China's Manchu rulers. After Feng and Hong spent some time preaching the new word in Guangxi, Hong left to return home to teach and develop his new theology, while Feng stayed behind to create the Baoshong Duohui, the God-Worshipping Society, the GWS. While Hong worked for his family, wrote back in his village, Feng, after forming the GWS, takes his new followers, begins traveling to find more. The new GWS spread his teachings, Hong's teachings. Eventually settle in an area called Thistle Mountain in the Guangxi province.

And now they got some sort of compound. Cult! Cult! Cult! And they gained more and more followers. The repressed Hakka people now have some good people. Promising them all sorts of seemingly good people. All sorts of great things. Freedom from oppression under the Qing Empire. This is when Feng starts to compare himself to John the Baptist preparing the world for Jesus's return. And Jesus in this case is of course already returned Hong Shiquan. Feng ends up getting arrested for preaching

Christianity which as I mentioned before is illegal in China and possibly punishable by death. But his followers are able to break him out of jail and then help hide him from authorities. Meanwhile, while Hong is home, he reveals to his cousin Hong Zhengan that the Manchu people are literal demons. I guess the timeline sources kind of vary on this as far as like when he reveals this. I know I mentioned earlier he's talking about demons. I guess as it goes forward he just gets more specific and it's like it's these people for sure and he's ordered by God to get rid of them. War's coming. Hong had his way. A true's like it's these people for sure and he's ordered by God to get rid of them. War's coming! Hong had his way. A true genocide of the Manchu people was gonna come.

Three years after starting to tell people he's Jesus' baby bro and the new Savior. In 1847 Hong travels to the Guangzhou province to study Christianity under Reverend I.J. Roberts, an American Southern Baptist, Evangelical missionary risking his life to spread the word in China. And yes, I.J. Isachar Jaycox. That's a fucking name. All right. Reverend Roberts was the first Baptist missionary to ever enter China. He had first arrived in Hong Kong in February of 1842. He'd also had leprosy. Contracted that in 1837, a disease that will ultimately kill him. And Hong will spend two months with the leper pastor and receive his only formal training in Christianity.

But he was not much of a student. Just like he struggled with the civil exams, he struggled to understand Robert's Christian teachings. Or maybe he did understand, but just didn't like a lot of what he read and cherry-picked the verses that suited his ambitions. He completely ignored basically everything in the New Testament, which promotes a much more gentle form of Christianity, and instead prefers the Old Testament that focuses on a wrathful, vengeful God, furious with anyone who disobeys him. Right? Coal-eaters. Rarely gentle and empathetic. While in Guangzhou, Hong learns more about the rest of the world than he had ever had before.

Pastor Roberts taught him about America, other Western nations. Hong now rejects the ethnocentrism that he'd been taught his whole life that China was all that mattered in the center of the universe, and instead believes that all countries of the world are equal under God's eyes, which of course are kind of his eyes now. He begins to hate Chinese tradition, doubling down his belief that evil demons are running the government, demons that rigged the imperial exam. It was the demons that made him fail. Oh, it wasn't his fault. No, of course not. It's never the cult leader's fault. He doubles down on

his beliefs that Confucian ideas are the teachings of the devil. He wants all their traditional symbols just destroyed throughout China, every trace of Confucianism eliminated. And he begins to write a third book of the Bible now. Oh, fuck yeah. You know, accompany the Old and New Testaments inspired by his lessons from the Reverend. He's like a Chinese Joseph Smith now. How did I never hear about this dude before? This is fantastic. He also heavily edited,

I love this. He also heavily edited the Old and New Testaments, the original Bible, rewriting himself in as God's second son. By removing references throughout the entire Bible of Jesus being referred to as the only son. Noice! Jesus Christ and Hong Shukuan. Oh, what a pair. Really rolls off the tongue. JC and HK. So he's doing shit like

rewriting Matthew chapter 28 verses 18 to 20. Then Jesus and Hong Shukuan 28 verses 18 to 20, then Jesus and Hong Shukuan came to them and said, all authority in heaven and on earth has been given to us. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father and of the son and of the other son. And don't worry about the Holy Spirit because that's a lie. And teaching them to obey everything we have commanded you and surely we are with you always.

To the very end of the age, me, Jesus Christ, and my celestial bro, Hong Shiquan. Also rewriting John chapter 4 verses 4 through 16. Now Jesus and Hong Shiquan had to go through Samaria. So they came to a town in Samaria called Sychar. Near the plot of ground Jacob had given to through Samaria. So they came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there, and Jesus and Hong Shukuan, tired as they were from the journey, sat down by the well.

It was about noon. When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus and Hong Shukuan said to her, Will you give me a drink? Their disciples had gone into the town to buy food. The Samaritan woman said to them, you are a Jew and a Chinese guy, and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink for Jews and Chinese guys? Do not associate with Samaritans.

Jesus and Hong Xiuquan answered her, if you knew the gift of God and who it is that asked you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. Sirs, the woman said, you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob who gave us the well and drank from it himself

as did also his sons and his livestock? Jesus. An Hong Shu Kuan answered, everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water we give them will never thirst. Indeed the water we give them will become in them a spring of water, welling up to eternal life. And the woman said to them, sirs, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.

You fucking get it. Really hits different when there's two Jesuses. Hong now also finally gets a girl. Just had to pretend to be God to do so. He married a woman who believed all this crazy bat shit stuff named Lai Lin Ying. They'd have five kids together and she will have the great honor, how cool is this, of being the leader of his personal harem. Oh yes, he'll have a massive harem. Of course he will. Cult, cult, cult. Hong now returns to Feng Yunshan, Chinese John the Baptist, founder of the God-Worshipping Society, the old GWS, on Thistle Mountain. And Feng rejoices, and he introduces to Hong the roughly 2,000 converts he's made. And Hong is delighted.

Excuse me. The GWS now accepts Hong as their true leader. They're building an army. Together in the late 1840s, Hong and Fong will start plotting a true rebellion that will begin in 1850. In their mountain compound, not sure exactly what the living arrangements were for the 2,000 people plus growing group, Hong taught an early form of either communism or socialism. The two terms are used interchangeably when discussing the GWS. His followers for the most part start to share all their property. He promises them so much land, so much land you guys, once you've established a larger territory. Once you've defeated the Manchus, oh you're gonna be so rich of

course. Stick with me kid, sacrifice now. You'll be showered with riches later. Classic sales pitch of the cult leader. Hong and Fung begin to force most of their new followers to give all their money to the general treasury. The money will then be shared amongst everyone. However, only poor Hakka followers really practice this form of socialism. The wealthier followers prefer to keep their money to themselves. Of course they did. I just picture one dude being like,

I am so happy to share all of my five yuan with everyone else! Praise be to Hong, new Jesus, baby bro! But then someone else like, oh, yeah, I'm really not ready to share my 10 million yuan with the group. I'm gonna think I'm gonna hold on to that for a while, just in case this shit doesn't pan out, thank you. The socialist practices of the group were particularly attractive to poor recruits. Of course they were, right? They didn't have any fucking money. They had nothing. No land, no real hope for a better future, no class, they're hungry, they're angry. Right? Why wouldn't they want to share resources? The group's rants against the evil, demonic Manchu

rulers of China also gave them somebody to blame for all their troubles. Fucking Manchus! And to be fair, the Qing leaders were the people most responsible for their problems. Over the next several years, this group will grow exponentially. They'll grow from just a few thousand to tens of thousands, and soon after that, to hundreds of thousands. All the followers, disciplined, jealous, capable of significant military force. This is like fucking Charles Manson, David Koresh's,

Jim Jones' wet dream to grow this powerful as a coal leader. Perhaps years earlier, the Qing leaders would have been able to squash this rebellion before it really gained momentum, but now China is dealing with fallout from the first opium war. They've got a massive national opium addiction crisis on top of a bunch of other shit to deal with. Hong continues to gain more and more recruits, largely to his followers spreading his message through print. He and other leaders will publish 44 different books, policy proposals, religious tracts.

They'll create treaties like the Ten Heavenly Commandments, national economic plans, societal reform blueprints. Interestingly, decades later, future communist revolutionary and leader Mao Zedong will be partially inspired by the Taiping social programs and ideas of collective property. Hong, focusing on the Old Testament, as I mentioned earlier, preaches the Ten Commandments as the foundation of his religion and ignores most of the teachings from the New Testament, other than you need Jesus and, of course, baby bro Jesus. Less forgiveness, you know, less turning the other cheek, more eye for an eye kind of guy. Hong also rejects the idea of the Holy Trinity. God is the highest, then Jesus,

then smidged down from Jesus is Hong himself. So it's like a new Trinity, right? You know, the Holy Ghost can go get fucked. Jesus' baby bro is taking his place. Although he frequently rants against Confucianism, his belief system actually does incorporate elements from the traditional Chinese ideology. Hong took ideas from ancient writings that detailed ideal systems that the government never implemented. Hong also utilized various Western ideals and concepts.

The group had revolutionary beliefs for the time, such as common property, land reform, equality between men and women, abstinence from all drugs, calendar reform, literary reform, a political excuse me military reorganization of society. Hong's large crowd at Thistle Mountain does eventually draw the attention of local law enforcement and a contingent of Qing soldiers comes and arrests the leaders but Fung is able to bribe the local magistrate to free them. The good old days, law and order, back before the 24-hour news cycle and vigilant crime reporting, you could just buy your way out of imprisonment, which I guess still happens

today, but only if you have a lot of crazy corporate money. Feng, Hong, and the core leaders of the GWS now leave Thistle Mountain to keep spreading Hong's word elsewhere. They leave control of the Guangxi members to Hong's most trusted and capable followers, Yang Xiuqing and Xiao Qiaowei. Hong will come to regret leaving these two dipshits in charge, because their new power will definitely go to their heads and shit is going to get weirder soon. In 1849, the GWS conquers a few small rural areas in China, four to be exact, through military force.

Hong will use these areas as strategic points in his battle against the Manchu demons. Get out here, Manchu! Demon motherfuckers! Mm-mm! Jesus, baby bro's got his eye on you! Jesus, baby bro's coming! New Jesus! Hong Jesus!

Sounds almost like Hong Jesus, which is coming! New Jesus! Hong Jesus! Sounds almost like Hong Jesus, which is pretty cool. Also in 1849, Hong, Feng, thousands of new GWS members return back to Guangxi to meet the rest of the group. When they return, they quickly hear rumors that shit's different now. The new leaders in Guangxi are experiencing possessions. Hong investigates and determines that these possessions are in fact real. It really fucks up here. Yang Xiuqing, a former charcoal burner, now leader of the GWS, has claimed to be possessed by God. Former peasant Xiao Chaowei is possessed by Jesus. Xiao also told followers that 10 years earlier he did receive a vision announcing arrival of God's second son, Hong, which is cool.

Hong claims to fully believe these two, listens to what they say in their possessed states. Since Hong has publicly professed prior to this that God and Jesus do outrank him, when these two guys are possessed by God and Jesus, everyone now has to follow their instructions. He's third in command. He might have been truly insane. That fever may have legitimately overcooked part of his brain. Believing his followers can become possessed by God or Jesus and then outrank him will of course lead to many of his followers turning against him in the coming years. I think you can see where this is heading. Too many crazy cooks in the Bat-shit kitchen.

If you're going to claim to be a deity, when you kick off a cult, you gotta claim to be the top deity. Or shit like this can happen. How maddening would it be to get people to believe that you were Jesus' little brother, follow you into battle, you know, but then now you're third in celestial command, you know, and these other guys take the one in two spots that rank you. Right? All of a sudden they're like, and I Hong Shi Kuan, brother of Jesus, will now take a dozen new wives as decreed by God. And then this other dude that you recruited into your cult is like,

Oh, oh, whoa, hold up son. Oh, oh, tis I, Xiao, Chow Wei. Actually, as Jesus, I'm gonna take some of those wives for myself. And then another dude's like, oh, one second Jesus Jesus, it's his eye, Yang Xiuqing. And as God, I'm gonna take those wives for me, all of them. I'll share two of them with you, and Hong, I'll let you watch from time to time. Despite letting Yang Xiuqing play God, surely after returning to Guangxi, Hong does tighten his control over the God-worshippers,

and soon anybody who defies Hong's orders will be beaten. You don't get to fucking skip his orders and look to Yang Xiuqing. Actually Hong goes a little crazy with rules now. He orders that men and women should be separated. He prohibits prostitution, foot binding, slavery, opium smoking, adultery, gambling, using tobacco, drinking alcohol, a bunch of other ones. Wants everyone to be completely obedient to him, to be ready to fight for him at all times. The GWS now rebranded as the Taiping Army, highly organized, they got a set of over 60 rules they got to follow at all times.

Hong promises them the ultimate reward, eternal life in heaven for anyone who follows all the rules perfectly. One rule they did not have to follow is hairstyles. Taiping soldiers, nicknamed longhairs. A bunch of hippies. They refused to wear the traditional q, mandated by the Qing. A lack of defiance. In July of 1850, it's time this army tests themselves in the battlefield.

Hong tells his now tens of thousands of followers that Jesus wants them to fight for heaven. Guessing. Xiao Chau Wei gave a little thumbs up, a little something to back this call up. Yeah, no, he's right. He and his leaders began distributing weapons. Some members start to purchase gunpowder and book. They become not just a large militia, but a proper, well-trained, powerful army. Also in 1850, disease spreads through the Guangxi province.

Luckily, Yang has another god possession, is able to explain the suffering. God is punishing everyone for not doing more to help Hong establish his kingdom on earth. Come on, you lazy motherfuckers. Let's go! Stop being sad about being separated from like women and men and stuff. Come on, let's fight! Depose the Qing dynasty or keep getting sick and die. Yang also now claims his god. He has ability to cure people with his touch. That's pretty cool. Yang also now claims his god. He has the ability to cure people with his touch. That's pretty cool. More and more people, the power of suggestion is powerful, start to believe him and they gain thousands of new converts. Hong and other leaders exploring the state of the economy

and social unrest, create alliances, recruit high-ranking families into the fold, join so many other frustrated Chinese from the bottom social classes and wanting to see the Qing Empire crumble. Hong's leaders will rile people up with declarations like, each year they, the Manchus, transform tens of millions of China's gold and silver into opium, and extract several millions from the fat and marrow of the Chinese people, turn it into powder. How could the rich not become poor?

How could the poor abide by the law? Finally, in 1850, the imperial government has started to really catch on to what Hong is doing. And now Qing soldiers begin to attack new converts and Hakka people in general, followers or not. This only makes more Hakka join the Taiping army for protection. Seems all of Hong's words about the evil Qing are true. At the end of 1850, after the Taiping withstand a true assault from the Qing army, Hong decides

it's time to officially declare war now on the empire. Leaders send out an order for all converts to meet at a town called Jin Tian in Guangxi. This region was isolated from China's major cities, had a low number of imperial soldiers, wasn't much of a priority for the Qing regime at the time. This location allowed the Taiping army to further organize train, raise an army of 15,000 high-level soldiers away from the watchful eyes of the empire. When Qing military leaders get word of what's happening in Guangxi, they realize they need to address what has now become a much more serious threat to the rule than they anticipated when they maybe heard

whispers early on. January 1st 1851, the Qing attempt to take Chen Tian under their control, but the rebels who were aware of this plan waited in the hills outside the city and ambushed them. They attacked first, won their first big battle decisively, and even executed the Qing commander of the forces sent to attack them. Huge victory, big adrenaline shot for morale. Now they really think, oh wow we can do this. God does want us to turn China into a heavenly kingdom. January 11, 1851, Hong declares the new dynasty of the Taiping Tiankou, or Tiankou, the heavenly kingdom of great peace. Taiping Tiankou. And he takes on the title of Tianhuang, heavenly king.

He's no longer just Jesus' baby bro. He's a secular leader, an emperor, a king. Leader of a kingdom within a kingdom in China now. This shit's wild. This is comparable to once early Mormons settled in Utah in the mid 19th century. If the US sent in some military to shut their entire operation down, and then they fought back and won. And now Utah is its own theocratic kingdom, which might just take over the US. Another comparison would be, you know, if David Koresh had defeated the FBI when they raided his Waco compound and then just took over

the city of Waco and looked like they could take over all of Texas. Hong declares to his followers 1851 is essentially year one now. The first year of the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom. Fuckin change up your calendars. Now the Heavenly Kingdom of Great Peace has the goal of conquering a capital city. They want either Nanjing or Beijing. Towards the end of 1851, more formal battles between the Taiping Army and Qing soldiers are fought. And the Taiping are shockingly successful at first, which spurs them to want to keep fighting.

Spurs them on. The Empire wasn't as strong as they once thought. December of 1851. The Taiping Army captures the town of Yongan now. During the battle, former peasant and new Chinese Jesus Xiao Chau Wei is injured. No! Not the new Jesus guy! Now he'll never have another possession again. Song Qing soldier literally beat the Jesus out of him. By the end of the year, Hong has 60,000 dedicated followers.

They completely abandon their settlement on Thistle Mountain after taking over the city of Yonggon and defeat the Qing soldiers stationed there. Now they've got a new, bigger stronghold. In Yonggon, Hong becomes more controlling of his cult, as cult leaders tend to do. He tells his followers that the punishment for committing adultery or having any sort of sex outside of marriage or for smoking opium is death. Via beheading, He's not fucking around. He tells them reject the cast of amorous glances, the harboring of lustful thoughts about others,

the smoking of opium, and the singing of libidinous songs. And then immediately retreats to fuck his hair. He also now allows women to be soldiers, telling them that they are fully equal to men, but they must be separated into different combat units. And he will have many female combat units. Many of them will be very successful in battle. Then soon, in some attempt to keep everyone focused on fighting, Hong forbids even married couples from having sex now. But of course, he still fucks. Hong, by this point, has completely replaced Confucian literature with the Bible. Kind of. His Bible. Which is not really the Bible.

Switch from the solar calendar to the lunar calendar. His followers now observe these Sabbath on Sundays. He declares all men and women equal, as I mentioned, allows them to take a new civil service exam in his government on top of becoming military officers. If you can't pass a test, well, you start your own society and you create a new test. You'll never have to take because you're in charge. Ahon also appoints four so-called kings who will act as government ministers and military generals. His old teaching bro, new John the Baptist, Fung Yun-Chuan, named the South King.

Xiao Chau Wei, former peasant, new Chinese Jesus, but then not new Jesus after taking a big ass who put on the battlefield, named the West King. Yang Xiuqing, former charcoal burner, former leader of the Taiping Army back when it was the god worshipping society, the GWS, dude who still gets occasionally possessed by god, named the East King. God, what an ace squad he's putting together. Xiuqing, also named commander in chief of the armies. Finally, a new name, Wei Chonghui, named the North King. Wei was a follower who rose up to the ranks by proving himself to be a very capable military leader.

Hong did not appoint his cousin, Hong Zhengan, one of his first two followers. Maybe his first follower actually. Because that dude was not around. He was wanted by the Empire. He had fled at some point in the previous few years to Hong Kong, British territory now, where he was taken in by a Swedish missionary named Theodore Hamburg. So, sorry, cuz, can't be king. We're too young of an empire to have a king in exile. Typing him will reveal how much respect and power these five men held, over tens of thousands

of followers. Praise heavenly elder brother, who sacrificed himself for humankind and the world. Praise King East as Holy Spirit winned, curing and saving the world. Praise King East as Holy Spirit Wind, curing and saving the sick. Praise King West as the Master of Rain, the most honorable. Praise King South as the Master of Clouds, the most righteous. Praise King North as the Master of Thunder,

the most humane. Praise King Wing as Master of Lighting, the most just. Oh, yay! Yippee! I don't know the melody. Another dude, Shi Dachai, a general, is placed in charge of the city of Yangon. Shi was well respected because he treated people fairly and was a solid military leader.

His leadership helps earn the Taiping army even more converts. He will later be promoted to something called the Flank King, also known as the Wing King in some translations as a reward for his service. Kind of a lame name. Feels like Hong fucked up when he chose to name kings based on the four main directions. He wasn't thinking ahead. He wasn't thinking ahead. He wasn't thinking ahead of the new kings. And you are King of the North.

You are my Southern King. You are the King of the East. And you, my good man, you will rule the West. Oh, that's right. Sorry, I forgot. Oh, apologies. Shi, the Kai, I forgot you were there. Yeah, you're a king. No, you're a king, too. Just like I said you were going to be. You're a wing king. Flank, flanking, flanking, wing, ding-dong king. Something. 1852, the Taiping army goes on the attack. They start sneaking out of Yonggon, going on raids,

killing an untold number of Qing soldiers and loyalists. They take over a portion of China, bordering the Yangtze River, and as they still hope to make their way towards the city of Nanjing. And then take that over and then eventually make their way to Beijing and do the same if all goes well. June 10, 1852, Feng Yunchan, John the Baptist II, Chinese sequel, takes a bullet on the way to Nanjing when he and a bunch of soldiers are passing through a small town in northeast Guangxi, Chenzu. Feng is shot. He dies of injuries a few days later. No, why would God allow this? Hong was so angry he orders his army to pillage and plunder the village of Chenzu, then afterwards have them execute all the residents, women and children included.

Very committed to the Old Testament angry god cosplay role he has taken on. Hong transfers a significant portion of Feng's power now to King Yang Xiuqing, King of the East. His complete lunatics rebels now keep marching across China, converting more and more frustrated followers with their impoverished state, or followers frustrated with their impoverished state, a lower class ranking along the way. Excuse me. So many mean people, so many poors, so many shit stains, with clear axes to grind. They win a series of battles, take over a number of towns and small cities along the Yangtze River. They enter the Hunan province, take over the city

of Chenzhou, which has about a million people today, and now Chenzhou becomes their new headquarters. In the summer of 1852, Xiao Chaowei, former sometimes-Jesus, King of the West, launches an attack on the major city of Changsha now, which has over 10 million people living in it today, located on the tributary of the Yangtze River. In English, at least, I can't seem to find 19th century population estimates for most of these cities. Hong loses 10,000 men—well, I guess women too, soldiers, in an ambush, but still almost conquers the city, which speaks to how massive his movement is becoming.

Cheng Shao was well armed with Qing forces, but they still almost conquered it. To inspire his men, Shao puts on some sort of royal robes, went straight to the frontlines, fought like the kings of old, like an Old Testament king in this battle. And that doesn't work out well for him. Because the Qing troops just blasted the front lines with cannon fire, and they fucking obliterate him. Ugh! Second King lost in just a few months. Hong now orders his army to move on and attack other areas. In December of 1852, the Taiping will now enter the Hubei province,

and they are able to amass their 500,000 soldiers. In Hubei, they capture a fleet of over 5,000 boats, now have a navy, which they proceed to use for river attacks. Their next goal is Wuchong, capital of Hubei, another city of over a million people. Instead of a direct attack on Wuchong, they will pass the city, take over two smaller towns near it. That allows them to attack from the north side where it would Chong have weaker defenses. The provincial governor realizes he's in trouble, orders all the homes outside the northern city walls to be burned down, also promises rewards

if the homeowners bring him the heads of the Taiping soldiers. But the citizens had just lost their fucking homes by his commands and they're a bit angry about that and they won't fight for him now. That's a little bit of an oversight, right. If you want people to fight for you, you shouldn't burn their homes to the ground. January 12, 1852, Hong's army does capture Wuchong. It's the day after the second anniversary of the heavenly kingdom. God wanted this to happen. The Taiping army, they were helped by the fact that many of the residents of Wuchong who lived outside of the northern city walls I mentioned, you know, didn't do much after they had their houses burned down. Because they took Wuchong, they now had access to the western half of the Yangtze.

To the north is Beijing. To the east, full control of the Great River. Their scouts tell them of a massive army presence in the north, and they decide to head east now to Nanjing. And they hope to conquer Beijing from there. February of 1853, the army moves into the Anhui province, takes over several cities easily that are not well guarded. In doing so the army further increases its size. They convert more and more citizens. Now it's like if cult leader David Koresh had taken over fucking most of Texas. When they finally do reach the edge of the massive and important city of Nanjing, over 10 million people there today, they now have approximately 750,000 soldiers. Approximately 10 times the

number of Qing soldiers defending that city. The Taiping swarmed the city, quickly overpowered the Qing banner troops. Once their victories complete, they will execute all Manchu soldiers there and murder all of their families as well. They'll burn over 40,000 Manchu soldiers to death, burn them to ashes, it is written, and an untold number of their wives and children as well. God wanted them to burn women and children apparently you gotta get rid of the demons. Are you trying to tell me that kids can't be demons? Get out here! Burn to life kids! I see what you really are. Uh-uh. You're only fooling me. You're only fooling fucking Jesus baby bro. Not today. March 19th, 1853 the

Taiping army wins the siege over Nanjing major city of roughly 10 million today Qing defenses held off Taiping aggressors for 13 days Taiping is at hundreds of horses carrying soldiers statues to the western walls a little decoy distraction Ching soldiers vented the wall fell for this trick turned to the West before realizing they've been had pretty clever Meanwhile two large explosions break down the main wall and the massive Taiping army floods into the city. And that's uh, yeah, the defeat does 40,000 people there, Manchu troops, and you know, actually get them all. Taiping lost approximately 10,000 troops in this battle. Allegedly the Taiping were so successful in part because they'd already sent 3,000 spies into the city as Buddhist monks disguised as Buddhist monks, and then they gave them advice on military strategy. Hong renamed the city Tianjing, the heavenly capital. Now

these crazy motherfuckers will hold the city for the next 11 years. Taiping's territory, now twice the size of England. Nanjing originally had 750,000 residents when it was attacked. Now it has, you know, several hundred thousand more Taiping followers. After Taiping took over Nanjing, they, which was now renamed as I said, Chenjing, they appoint village officials planned to redistribute farmland, but that land reform will never happen. The official posts are taken by former landlords and government clerks, and the old hierarchy system continues.

So out with the old, in with the new, who are the same as the old. Same greedy motherfuckers. Like so many revolutions, a lot of people die just to end up with more of the who are the same as the old. Same greedy motherfuckers. Like so many revolutions, a lot of people die just to end up with more of the same old shit they were fighting against. Numerous historical landmarks, like the Porcelain Tower of Nanjing, a massive pagoda, over 250 feet tall, constructed in the 15th century during the Ming Dynasty, often mentioned as being one of the seven wonders of the medieval world, are destroyed. That tower was built with white porcelain bricks, said to reflect the sun's rays during the day and at night as many as 140 lamps would be hung from the building to illuminate

this massive tower. All day, all night, this thing, one of the biggest structures in China at the time, just glowed. What a waste. Hong delegated most of the administrative government work to his kings now. And now these kings start to live the high life, right? Taken on concubines, feasted and fucking while their soldiers live celibately and on basic rations.

And now the Taiping have a proper kingdom. The best way to describe this new heavenly kingdom was a military theocracy. Most of those who had fought for it, the poor and oppressed masses, I imagine soon regretted doing so because now they were still poor and more oppressed than before. Shit got even stricter with Hong's crazy rules. For example, if you could not recite the Ten Commandments at a moment's notice, you'd have your fucking head cut off. States seized all personal property. They heavily restricted all interaction, even speaking out between the sexes. You could be killed for just

speaking to a woman if you were a man. But of course this rule did not apply to the Kings, did not apply to Jesus' baby bro, uh-uh. Hong allegedly gets up to a woman if you were a man. But of course this rule did not apply to the kings, did not apply to Jesus baby bro. Uh-uh. Hong allegedly gets up to a hundred concubines here in Nanjing. Right? That grifton can't pass a test, that piece of shit. Preferring to either be fucking one of his many many lovers or meditating and probably thinking about the next time he's gonna fuck, Hong starts to become less involved in governmental affairs now. And you know what? I get it. I mean if you had to either sit at a desk and work on bureaucratic matters, have stressful meetings all the time, deal with lots of problems while working long hours, or you can just constantly get your dick sucked or pussy licked in between lavish meals and naps, you know, what would you choose?

Hong left the work of running his empire to his three remaining kings. Wei Chonghui, put in charge of defense and feud supplies. Yang Xiuqing, Xi Dacai, control the capital with Yang working as the commander-in-chief. In May of 1853, Hong now dispatches an expedition to capture key Qing leaders in Beijing and take over the capital. And while that particular mission will eventually fail, a northern expedition sent to the upper Yangtze Valley is successful at conquering significant territory and the Heavenly Kingdom does grow. A Taiping military song shows how dedicated the followers were to their cause and to Hong. The sun is already in its midday and we should follow the Heavenly King to conquer the nation. When we conquer the nation we can enjoy the blessings from heaven.

We shall enjoy the pleasures of paradise forever and ever i don't know the melody again just winging it or or they uh they fight for him because they know they'll be executed if they don't maybe that's why they fought for him i doubt a soldier wrote that song probably uh some propaganda agent uh while that northern expedition i mentioned conquered some rural territory to the north another western expedition captured the city of anqing another city of around a million people today. They're kicking ass. After capturing it, the army splits up into three armies. One to capture surrounding territories around Anqing, another to take over the Zhangji province, and a third to take some smaller cities

along the Yangtze River. This would place the army near the Hunan province. In Hunan, the Qing forces led by a man named Zeng Guofan. Zeng was senior secretary for the central imperial government. After his mom died in 1851, he was forced to return to Hunan for a mandatory three-year mourning period. Family obligations taken very seriously in a state based on Confucian teachings and ideals. And then the Taiping rebellion forced the government to call upon Zeng to assist the governor of Hunan in raising a militia. And Zeng was the right man to task with this. He was brilliant and a loyal tactician. He went against traditional military practices, which would work out for him splendidly. Normally soldiers were stationed far away from their homes to prevent desertion.

He felt that keeping the soldiers in their home provinces would keep them happier, more motivated to fight, and he was right. He emphasized traditional Chinese family values, made his brothers his military advisors. The forces he commanded became known as the Shang army. 17,000 soldiers strong, elite soldiers, also created the navy of 5,000 additional men, all of them exceptionally well trained. While Zeng is organizing his men, the northern Taiping expedition are experiencing some troubles. They laid siege to the city of Hawaii Qing in the Hunan province, which was actually a big mistake. The siege lasted two months.

Taiping lost a lot of soldiers before abandoning the siege and then marching towards Beijing. Should probably just skip that city and went straight to Beijing. Over the next two months, they marched 500 miles, reached the northern area of the Hubei province. There they have two major cities they want to conquer. Tianjin, Beijing. They chose Tianjin before because they thought Beijing would be too heavily fortified to take without conquering another big city first. Tianjin has roughly 14 million people today. Beijing has around 22 million.

Massive, massive cities. The Taiping military leadership makes the wrong choice here. They should have moved on Beijing, but the Qing government thought the prestige of the capital would prevent, excuse me, not but, the Qing government thought the prestige of the capital would prevent people from attacking it. And they did not have that many soldiers stationed in Beijing as they should have had to defend off the Tai Ping army. Qing emperor had already fled to Manchuria because he was worried about the Tai Ping being able to take Beijing.

The Northern Expedition, they don't get the intel on all this though. And they go after Tianjin and they do conquer it. And they also send a lot of people fleeing to Beijing in fear that they're next, but that will inadvertently strengthen Beijing. November of 1853, the Northern Expedition still is waiting to take Beijing. Winter is settling in. A harsh cold is not an environment that most Southern Army members are accustomed to. They had to camp out for the entire winter, wait for reinforcements before attacking Beijing and that was another big mistake. Qing now have time

to bring in reinforcements from surrounding areas and strengthen fortifications around their capital city. They send a lot of troops from Manchuria and Mongolia, people used to harsh winters, and then the Qing army now goes on the offensive. Another fierce warrior general, Zeng Yi Ren Chen, is leading these Qing soldiers from Beijing. Proud descendant of Genghis Khan, had extensive military experience as soldiers surrounded at Chenjin, wait for the ice to thaw. Sun Ji orders his men to dig deep trenches and walls around the trenches and these trenches go 30 miles back towards this grand canal.

They rupture the canal bank then. Water flows into the trench between the walls, floods the Taiping army's camp. And by doing this, this guy is able to drown the majority of the Taiping army there in one incredible move. The ones who don't drown are soon captured and killed. Sun Ji annihilates the Northern expedition, which was, you know, and he was made a prince of the Qing dynasty for doing this. Shifting to the Western Expedition, the badass Imperial General Zeng Guofan's army captures Wuchong, but then the Taiping do take it back and then burn down Zhang's army's fleet of ships. January of 1854, the Western Army now captures the city of Luzhou, a city today of around 1.5 million. They defeated commander of the Qing army station there, excuse me, the defeated commander of the Qing army

station there commits suicide rather than be captured and executed. In April of 1854 the Western Army now moves into the Hubei and Hunan provinces, capturing the city of Zhongtan, city of almost a million today. This is less than 40 miles from Zeng's hometown, the heralded imperial general I mentioned. Then they move into the Zhongzhi province. Speaking of Zeng, he continues fighting, pushes the Taiping out of the Zhongzhi province. Now both the northern and western expeditions have failed. Shetching focused back to the capital.

The Taiping had left behind the southern provinces of Guangdong and Guangxi, virtually unguarded, allowing the Qing to go in, hunt down anyone involved with the Taiping there, and approximately 75,000 innocent civilians get swept up and they're taken and executed in a public street in Guangzhou for all to see. 75,000 citizens. Just fucking executed. Army not only killed them, but de000 citizens just fucking executed. Army not only killed them, but decapitated most of them. Many others were tied together and drowned in the river. And there's more people than everyone living in the Coeur d'Alene, Idaho city limits,

just butchered in mass, beheaded or drowned. Down in Hong Kong at that time, our friend Hong Zhigan, or excuse me, Hong Zhengon, Jesus' baby bro's cousin and likely first disciple. Still with Theodore Hamburg, that Swedish missionary, and they may have seen some of the bodies from this mass execution wash or float down the river. Hong and Theodore raised money for the Taiping and were helped by two of Feng Yunshan's children, John the Baptist II, Chinese version, who died earlier in battle.

Hamburg gave Hong Zhen Gong some money to travel to Nanjing. He wanted Hong to facilitate relations between European missionaries and the Taiping there. He gave Hong Bibles, books, and maps, but Hong only makes it to Shanghai before he turns around. He's worried about being captured by the Qing loyalists, and he returns to Hong Kong. And unfortunately, Hamburg now dies from dysentery. He has died in his absence. So Hong, when he returns, he now works with a Scottish missionary. By 1854, the West had taken notice of the Taiping, are actually supporting them loosely, since they are spreading Christianity throughout China, even though it's a fucked up version of Christianity.

Countries like Britain, France, the US, hope to receive lucrative trade agreements if the Taiping are able to conquer all of China. The New York Times wrote an editorial about how people may one day be able to leave Europe and join this new world in China, like they did in America. However, although the West is supportive, they don't actually provide real aid to the Taiping rebels. They're just monitoring, watching, and hoping. October of 1854, Zeng's Xiong army puts an end to the Taiping expansion now. After kicking them out of the Xiongji province, he takes back the cities of Wuchang and Hanyang.

A few months later, in January of 1855, Zeng tries to take back the city of Zhoujiang, the next main port in the river path, Nanjing. Here he battles commander Xi Dacai, the fucking Wing King, Dingdong King, Flank guy. Xi uses small boats to attack. Zeng camps, uses secret dams to lure Zeng's ships out and trap him. Zeng is ashamed to have lost to Xi. Here is that people from his home village Xi uses small boats to attack Zhong camps, uses secret dams to lure Zhong's ships out and trap him. Zhong is ashamed to have lost to Xi. Here is that people from his home village will spit on him when he has to tell them that their sons have died in a losing battle so he attempts suicide by jumping into the

river and tries to drown himself, but his men rescue him. Then he jumps in again, clearly very upset. Men drag him out again, beg him to stop, tell him they need him to be their leader, and he chooses to live, which is good because he'll kick more ass later. For the next several years, the section of the river from Zhoujiang to Nanjing will be the home front of this ongoing war. The Qing and Taiping forces go back and forth. Over who controls the cities and provinces and the area, by the end of 1855, Xi Dacai

has taken back Wuchong. Those poor people living there. This back and forth leads to so much destruction. An unknown number of men are executed following each and every battle for being loyal to the losing side. Many men not killed, forced to serve in the opposing army now. Entire towns and villages are destroyed. God knows how many women raped and murdered. Untold number of children also murdered.

Millions will die. Brutal deaths. Decapitations. Being burned alive, drown in the rivers. Many of those not killed or forced to fight will starve thanks to crops being destroyed by the armies or they'll die of contagious diseases often carried into the towns and villages by the soldiers. The Qing government is rapidly losing money fighting the Taiping on top of all their other problems. They're dealing with the opium crisis on top of the ongoing war

being extremely costly and since 1851 when the Yellow River flooded, drowning thousands leading to a mass famine. They're also dealing with the Opium Crisis, on top of the ongoing war being extremely costly, and since 1851, when the Yellow River flooded, drowning thousands, leading to a mass famine, they're also dealing with a Neon Rebellion. A coincided mass rebellion based not in religion, but overall frustration with Qing government. Their rally cry is kill the rich and aid the poor. This separate rebellion will last all the way until 1868. Over a hundred thousand will die because of it. Rejoining the timeline now, back in 1856, things not going so heavenly in the heavenly kingdom. Remember Yang Xiuqing who became the Taiping Minister of State,

the King of the East, the former charcoal burner, the dude who would occasionally become possessed by God and outrank his coal eater? Yang had organized the new Taiping state, had created strategies for the armies, also got a little big for his britches, was tracks for a dude who thinks he's a god sometimes. Yang now begins to chastise Hong and usurp his power as supreme leader. In one of his quote-unquote possessions, Yang says God wants Hong to be whipped for kicking one of his concubines. Bold move. Somehow Hong gets out of this whipping. However, Yang is frequently having possessions and acting as God, he will summon Hong to his house and lecture him. He'll demand that Hong give him more power and more money. Hong will generally concede.

How much is Hong now regretted entertaining these possessions when they first began? How much he must have wished to be able to put that monster back in the box? Yang is now far more powerful than the other kings. On one occasion when Wei Chonghui, King of the North a new king, Qin Zhaogang, disagrees with Yang, he has them both flogged, and they don't get out of it. Yang then orders Wei, Qin, and Shi Dacai to leave Nanjing and head to other regions. He plans to take over Nanjing as the only king now, and to outrank even Jesus' baby bro in the flesh, Hong Shiquan. He's trying to start a coup. During one of his possessions, Hong states that God wants Hong dead now. He convinces a few thousand loyal soldiers to help kill him. But on September 2nd, 1856, Yang's plot to overthrow Hong fails,

and Yang, God, is beheaded. Then members of Hong's inner circle murder Yang's entire extended family and thousands of his followers. But Yang was suddenly possessed by God when he was told he had to be executed. Wait wait wait wait wait wait! No it's me God! Come on! You can't cut God's head off! Hong has networked the spies now. He becomes very paranoid about people trying to take his power. When he had found out what Yang was doing he ordered all of his kings to return home and bring their armies. Qin and Wei got back to Nanjing before Xi, so the three men made a plan to get rid of Yang.

Their armies stormed the palace, ordered to execute only Yang, but despite Hong's supposed orders not to, they kill Yang's entire family. But killing Yang wasn't enough to stop the rebellion because he had so many troops loyal to him. So Hong, Qin, Wei enact another plan. This is how he kills these soldiers. Hong pretended to arrest Qin and Wei and punish them. He assumes that the people who will show up to watch this punishment will be Yang's followers and he captures everyone in attendance, puts them in a giant enclosure, kills them the next day. Over 6,000 people die. What a chaotic time and place to try and survive. So many people being erratically butchered left and right. October of 1856, Shi Takae finally arrives with his army and he is shocked.

When the Winged King returns, he's like, what the fuck has been going on here? He was known for being one of the nicer kings. He's disgusted when he finds out about the insane massacre of not only Yang's family, but 6,000 dudes maybe loyal to Yang, maybe not. He confronts Wei about all this insanity. Wei then accuses Shi of being a traitor and now Shi has to flee for his life. He leaves the city in fear of execution. Then Wei, after Xi fled, immediately has Xi's family executed. Entire family. For fuck's sake, these psychos loved to kill a whole family. When Xi finds out, he was like a little bit angry over having his entire family butchered.

What a diva. Then he raises up an army of about 100,000 men loyal to him and then marches on Nanjing to destroy these motherfuckers. Wei now sends Qin and his army to stop him. Wei has a prime opportunity to take over the heavenly kingdom now. He is the only king currently in Nanjing and now he tries to take the throne. Another coup attempt that also falls short. Hong's bodyguards are able to intercept and kill Wei in retaliation for his plot. Now Hong orders Qin to return to Nanjing and kills him too. Everyone's getting killed! He's not fucking around. No more turning the other cheek. Shi Dacai is now rewarded for being named commander of the entire Taiping army for so much infighting. In two months, Hong lost three of his kings.

This doesn't look good for Hong, right? Makes his kingdom look weak, unstable, corrupt, which it is. Shi Dacai was now the key to restoring order in Nanjing. After these coup attempts and purges, people still trusted him. They believed he was a fair leader. But Hong, more paranoid than ever, is afraid of Xi's popularity, thinks that Xi is going to turn on him and come for him too. This house of cards is about to collapse in on itself. So Xi starts a fear for his own life and flees the city again, takes a few thousand of his most loyal followers with him, and the chaos continues. But he does write a letter asking the people in Nanjing to remain loyal to Taiping and to Hong, and the two continue to communicate in case Hong needs his soldiers,

so they have an uneasy alliance. Xi uses his army then to attack Qing forces to further Taiping's reign over the country. Meanwhile, imperialist general Zeng Guofan, hard at work with his plans to defeat the Taiping, which is now looking a lot more possible thanks to all the infighting. His Zhong army copies Xi and digs trenches from the river to cut off Taiping's supplies, stops reinforcements from coming in. Then they seize Wuchong again and Xi's army couldn't get there in time to stop them. Meanwhile, Hong? Not doing well mentally. Shih Tzu really stressed him out.

And he just wants to get back to fucking the 100 women in his concubine. He just wants to fuck, to meditate, you know, just be Christ-like. He turns over all state affairs to his older brothers. And most people believe these older brothers are 100% incompetent. He began spending more time than ever

in religious speculation or with his harem. So really he spends all his time avoiding reality of the now crumbling kingdom he built and just coming as much as possible. In May of 1858, Zeng Guofan and his Zhong army conquer Zhoujiang, the same city where he tried to commit suicide three years earlier by throwing himself in the water. That had to feel pretty good, some vindication. Rest of the Qing army not doing as well though. They're dealing with the second opium war now, which had begun in 1856. The Qing had lost Guangzhou to only

6,000 British and French soldiers, which humiliated them. The emperor forced to sign a treaty allowing 11 new ports to open up for opium trade. One of these ports is Nanjing, a city currently occupied by the Taiping army, a heavily kingdom, a little bit awkward for the Qing government. They've just given over a port they don't actually control. British and French now allowed to freely travel in the Yangtze River. The treaty also allowed Westerners to create embassies in Beijing, which improved relations with the Wests who are on the Qing side now and not on the side of the Taiping. Finding the Qing government has to pay the equivalent of 200 million US dollars to Britain and France to cover the side of the Taiping. Finding the Qing government has to pay the equivalent of 200 million US dollars to Britain and

France to cover the cost of the Second Opium War. To make things even worse, Russia's Tsar Alexander II is looking to expand his territory north of China. Now so many problems all happening at once! While China is engaged with two of the West's strongest colonial powers and various rebellions inside its borders, Russia moves an army to the Russia-China border. When it rains, it pours. inside his borders, Russia moves an army to the Russia-China border. When it rains, it pours. The Qing emperor knows he can't win a fight against the massive Russian armies, so he signs another treaty, giving up the Mur region, almost 175,000 square miles of territory, though sparsely populated, it remains in Russia's possession to this day.

Qing dynasty has now lost significant chunks of territory to the Taiping, to Russia, to the West. They owe the equivalent of billions and billions of dollars. They still are dealing with various famines, poverty, widespread opium addiction, and more. 1858, truly a shit year. Disaster for the Chinese government. Then in June of 1858, fighting between Western forces and Chinese starts up again. Britain trying to pass through Tianjin to get to Beijing, make their embassies. But they're stopped by Song Ji, Rinchen and his army. The British soldiers wait for backup troops to arrive before they make their next move. While they wait the Taiping also preparing for war. November of 1858 the Taiping win a battle on the shore

of Chao Lake, fifth largest lake in China. Luckily for the Taiping despite all the in-fighting weakening then the Qing also weakened thanks to dealing with so much shit at once. Taiping led by Li Xiuquan in this fight. Li, a strong leader, he rejected a bribe earlier from the Qing Empire to betray Hong. Because of this, he is elevated to a position called loyal king now and becomes Hong's advisor. Taiping tried to petition the British High Commissioner of China, Lord Eljin, for support and weapons, but he refuses to avoid adding tension to his relationship with the Qing, and he may have refused because a cannonball fired by a Tai Ping ship almost hit one of his ships.

Whoops. Spring of 1859 now. O'Hong Zhengon finally makes it up to Nanjing. Remember him? Tai Ping Leader's cousin? That other teacher? One of the first three? Jesus' cousin? He almost doesn't make it when the Tai Ping think he's an imperial spy, but he manages to convince him he is Hong's cousin. He is now promoted to shield king, kind of like a prime minister. Hong Zhengan now enacts a program of reform in the heavenly kingdom influenced by the western ideals he was exposed to in Hong Kong.

He wants to create a railroad system, banking with paper money, a state newspaper, also wants to give aid to the poor and the sick. Perhaps best of all, he uses his king status to allow men and women to be together again so people can start fucking and be less miserable. If he would have got up there sooner, they might have actually taken over China. Hong Shain has a new role. He orders all the armies back to Nanjing so he can outline a new military strategy. His plan is to create a Taiping Barrier Territory in the middle of China, really build a new

nation that can last but to make that happen they have to get the Qing army the hell away from Nanjing. February of 1860 the Taiping army ready to enact Hong Zhenguan's new plan. Commander Li Xiuquan takes a small army to the city of Hongzhou today a massive metropolis of over 11 million people with an economy bigger than that of the entire nation of Sweden. And he captures various towns along the way. In March of 1860, Li's army arrives in Hongzhou. They place flagged statues in the surrounding hills to confuse the Qing about the size, the real size of their army. Li and his soldiers set up explosives on the outer walls of the city.

When the walls explode, the first line of defense panics, runs away, but the Manchu elite soldiers in the city hold out. They call for backup. When it arrives, the Taiping are gone. The entire attack was a diversion. Everyone took the bait. Li and his soldiers went back to Nanjing. Now cleared of most of the Qing forces, the army chased the remaining soldiers, left behind 40 miles to Danyong, where they killed them all. Also in early 1860, new major player enters this war. Fuckin' wild card, of all wild cards. So much happening in this story. Lot of twists and turns.

This one was like somebody drew a tough-as-shit joker from the deck while they're playing poker. Frederick Townsend Ward is that joker. 29-year-old American sailor from Salem, Massachusetts. Successful businessman, ruthless mercenary. This real-life Chuck Norris, previously listed in the French army, fought in the Crimean War,

also in 1858, fought as a mercenary, excuse me, in the Mexican Civil War, through the 1850s, when not actively fighting in a war somewhere. He spent a long time working on big steam ships. He's a sailor, but really more like an armed guard, making sure no pirates would take over the ship, making sure no one would try and pull off a mutiny.

Very interesting dude who history has largely forgotten. He arrived in Shanghai wanting to make contact with the Taiping forces. But when he entered the city, a group of merchants and landowners hired him to protect them from the Taiping. Ward was paid a lot of money to build up an army of mercenaries composed largely of European, American, and Filipino soldiers. Initially his army would have around 100 men in it only, but in time, he would build it to command over 5,000 men. Ward first made a plan to capture Sung Jiang, closest town to him, currently under Taiping control, a place that is now a large suburb of Shanghai with about 2 million residents.

But this plan failed because the European mercenaries he had recruited got hammered drunk. The night before the battle, most of them died the next next day allowing the Taiping to continue marching towards Shanghai. Good lesson there. Maybe try and wait until after the battle to get super fucked up. But also you might not be around after the battle so I get the appeal. The Taiping now made it to Sijou, known at the time as the city of gardens where two million people lived. Said it was almost completely defenseless. The citizens actually opened the gates for the Taiping to avoid being slaughtered. Trying again this time with more men and sober men Ward manages to capture

Song Jiang away from the Taiping then tries to take Qingpu, next to be on his list, yet another city of over a million now. But most of his army dies within 10 minutes from an ambush. Ward himself gets shot in the face in his ambush, but he will survive. He will survive over a dozen battlefield injuries in China alone as he builds up his fighting force which shall become known as the ever victorious army and they will become fucking legends in China. Meanwhile Li Xiuquan now has taken Qingpu, set his sights for capturing Shanghai for the Heavenly Kingdom. Writes a letter to the British envoy Lord Elgin's brother Frederick Bruce promising him the

British will not be harmed this invasion. However Bruce thought the letter was a request for assistance and returned the note without even bothering to read it, the West becoming very disillusioned with the Taiping's chances of victory. Li should have now taken Shanghai, but for some reason he only sent 3,000 troops initially. To be fair, there weren't as many Qing soldiers there, but those who were there were supplemented by British and French, who now were kind of allied with the Qing but also Fighting them in places thanks to the Second Opium War. A lot of back and forth. The small contingent of Taiping are pushed back and the French kill any Chinese citizens inside the city who seems sympathetic to the Taiping to quell uprisings.

Meanwhile in Western China, Zeng Guofan, still plotting a way for the Qing Dynasty, he sent 10,000 troops to siege on Qing. In response, Li Xiuquan sent an infantry of 100,000 strong to meet him there, led by successful commander Chen Yucheng, and Zeng is forced to retreat. Then on October 18th, 1860, the British end the Second Opium War

by burning down the Imperial Summer Palace in Beijing, this beautiful complex of palaces and gardens where Qing dynasty emperors had handled affairs of state for many many years. This was their White House, their Capitol Hill combined. The emperor avoided possible execution by fleeing Beijing to Manchuria before this happened, leaving his brother in the city. Emperor's brother went on to torture 34 people and murder 20 of the British delegation that was sent to Beijing and that led to this burning. Lord Elgin had his men burn and destroy anything they couldn't carry to their ships. Lord Elgin said to have actually wept while his men destroyed all the beautiful buildings and artifacts,

but he just could not let them disrespect Britain that way. Also in October of 1860, the Qing Zhong army captures Anqing, capital of the Anhui province. Towards the end of the year, the Taipings try again and fail to take over Shanghai. They're stopped this time by Frederick Townsend's wards, every victorious army. A force that as it grew shifts from being primarily foreign mercenaries to being primarily Chinese soldiers from the lower classes. These people might normally support a rebellion. But they're angry at the anti-Confucian teachings of the Taipings. January of 1861 marks the 10-year anniversary of China's very chaotic, very bloody civil war. Two huge Taiping armies set out to retake Wuchong but fail

when they leave a route open for Zeng, Guofan, and his army allowing them to capture Anqing. 16,000 Taiping soldiers are killed. As a reward for his victory, Zeng is given command of the entire Qing military now. In August of 1861, As a reward for his victory, Zeng is given command of the entire Qing military now. In August of 1861, Shen Feng, 8th Emperor of the Qing Dynasty, dies at the age of 30. Not a big loss, he was a shit leader. While his country was being ravaged by numerous insurrections and war with the West, he was living an indulgent lifestyle, partying, keeping himself busy fucking his 18 official consorts, and undoubtedly so many mistresses and sex workers.

So many emperors did back then, right? They drank wine, ate lavish meals, stayed in their little palaces, got their fuck on, while their country burned around them. His six-year-old son succeeded him and the Qing government appointed a regency council to rule until he was of adult age. But his mother had other plans. She planned a coup with two uncles to siege Beijing and it worked. So much turmoil, so much infighting on all sides.

She gave Zeng Guofan even more control, making him the most powerful non-Manchu in the entire history of the Qing dynasty now. She promises to make him ruler of Nanjing if he wins the war. But now failing under the pressure of his new assignment, Zeng proceeds to lose the port of Ningbao to the Taiping. He then has to rebuild his army from the Anhui province. Even though Hong Zhengong wanted to warn them not to, the Taiping now make another attempt to conquer Shanghai. Once again, they're stuck in a brutal winter. Morale is low for the troops. Li Xiuquan and Frederick Townsend Ward's armies clash once more. Li lose 3,000 men in the battle, supplies, and an untold number of boats towards Ever Victorious Army.

Britain and France now consider war essential for protecting their trade out in the East. Europe had recently lost their American market thanks to the Civil War here in the States. Britain and France wanted war to make a 30-mile exclusion zone around Shanghai to protect their business interests there. February of 1862, the Ever Victorious Army sets out to create that exclusion zone. Western opinion is turning further from the Taiping. Taiping no longer considered a burgeoning Christian empire in the East, they're considered a heretics, a nuisance,

getting in the way of Western economic interests. Even political theorists called Marx, Father of Communism, denounced them writing, they have destroyed everything and produced nothing. Another reason Western opinion was shifting was because of reports of war crimes committed by the Taiping over the years. Even though the Qing armies were doing the same shit as were British and French soldiers. British and French were waiting for an

excuse now to launch an attack on the Taipings. And then on May 10th 1862 the Taiping fired shots against the HMS encounter of British ship. Allegedly those shots were orchestrated by the British's consul's servant. Maybe looking for that excuse to retaliate. Captain returns fire and the port of Ningbao will fall to the British within a day and then they will take Qingpu three days later. At this time Zeng captures the city of Luzhou for the Taiping also captures one of the Qing's top generals, Chen Yucheng. Zhang made him an offer to switch sides, but Chen refused and was executed. Slowly but surely, despite the occasional victory, the Taipings are weakening up.

The British, the French, the Zhang army, the ever victorious army, are attacking them from all sides, capturing towns and cities, laying siege to Nanjing. The Taipings do catch a break, though, on September 22, 1962, when Frederick Townsend Ward dies. He had led his men in an attack on Sichi on September 21st. He was shot in the stomach, but that tough son of a bitch remained on the battlefield until he was sure his army had won. Then he died the next day.

Now the army chose British officer Captain Charles Gordon as their new leader, another legendary badass. Gordon quickly won the respect of the ever-victorious army by leading them to an easy victory and capturing the cities of Chongquan, Kunshan, pushing the Taiping away from Shanghai. June 25, 1863, King Xi Dacai, overall commander of the Taiping army, the fucking Wing King himself now dies. Huge crippling blow to the Taiping. Shi, ever loyal to Hong, never stopped fighting for him in the Heavenly Kingdom. He and thousands of his soldiers were captured by the Qing army in Chengdi. Once captured, he bravely, honorably offered his life in

exchange for his men's survival. And he was then executed in such a terrible way. Executed via the extremely torturous killing method known as Lingxia, usually translated as the slow slicing or more commonly death by a thousand cuts. This shit's horrific and this method of execution was carried out for centuries in China. A sharp knife would be used to methodically remove portions of one's body over an extended period of time just slicing little bits of your flesh away. Little bit from your forearm, little bit from your calf, little bit from your thigh, maybe cutting off your peck, starting with just the nipple. The goal was to drag out the victim's death

for as long as possible. First, the condemned would be tied to a wooden frame. Sometimes it looked kind of like a crucifix, other times just a big square kind of box, or sometimes just a pole. They were tied so they could not move. They would be sliced up in a public place so people could watch. This torture was designed to punish victims on three levels as a form of public humiliation, as a slow and lingering death,

and as a punishment after death since in Confucianism to be cut to pieces meant the body of the victim would not be whole in whatever spiritual life awaits us after death. While the process varied over the years, the execution generally consisted of cuts to the arms, legs, and chest, leading to partial and then full amputation of limbs, followed by either decapitation or a stab to the heart. Right? So after they sliced up, you know, chunks of flesh off your forearm, off your calf, your butt, any meaty places, they might just, you know, hack off your foot, then hack off another foot. Maybe, you know, burn the cauterized the wound so you wouldn't bleed out too much. Then slice your leg off at the knee. Then slice it off at the hip. Just see how long they could drag out your death. Sir Henry Norman, an English journalist, wrote about this torture method in 1895.

He wrote, the executioner grasping handfuls from the fleshy parts of the body such as the thighs and breasts slices them away. The limbs are cut off piecemeal at the wrists and ankles, the elbows and knees, shoulders and hips. Finally, the condemned is stabbed to the heart and the head is cut off. There are actually photographs online of people being tortured and killed this way from the late 19th and early 20th century. If you want to check them out, maybe throw up, maybe you have nightmares. I don't recommend it. In 1928, a guy who tried to assassinate a governor was killed in this manner

after being forced to watch his fucking daughter be killed this way. Nasty shit. After Shi Dacai is killed in this manner, the Qing do release 4,000 of his men, but they execute another 2,000 of his men. March of 1864, the final siege of Nanjing begins. Zeng Guofan and the Xiong army surround the city. They seal off Nanjing from any outside help or from being able to resupply any of their goods through a line of forts and breastworks.

They've dug tunnels towards the Nanjing from perimeter fortifications. They've planned to fill these tunnels with gunpowder and blow up the city's walls. However, the Taiping, not ready to concede, able to dig counter tunnels, leading to nightmarish tunnel fighting underground between the two armies. Zeng now bombards the city with cannon fire, which he will continue to do daily for months. Two months later, in May of 1864, Captain Charles Gordon leads the Ever Victorious Army to a victory at Chongzhou, helping to secure Shanghai. He then refuses a large financial reward, saying the lives of the people he saved were reward enough. He then disbands the Ever

Victorious Army, is promoted to a general in the Chinese Army, and becomes a member of the Emperor's bodyguard. The British also promote him to Lieutenant Colonel. He's earned the nickname Chinese Gordon, for which he is now well known. In August of 1864, the Times in London will write the following about Gordon. The part of the soldier of fortune is in these days very difficult to play with honor. But if ever the actions of a soldier fighting in for a service, foreign service, ought to be viewed with indulgence. And even with admiration, this exceptional tribute is due to Colonel Gordon this guy is a Movie could be movies happen made about this guy Gordon was another bad motherfucker could do an entire suck on him He could have lived like a king a living legend in China for the rest of his life could have returned to England

Live the high life there as a revered war hero Instead he goes on to have more adventures get get into more fights in Europe and Africa. So many battles. He wins so many battles. Then he dies in Sudan at the age of 51, outnumbered in the siege, choosing not to be captured alive, going out like a dude in a movie with nothing but his pistol and sword, dying in a firefight, guns blazing, you know, fighting dozens of enemy men who would come over to take Khartoum. These men, part of another group of religious zealots, actually following another lunatic who claims to be some sort of god, this time for Islam. Hail Nimrod for courageous freedom fighters like Charles George Gordon, willing to die to protect others from bloodthirsty tyrants, even when these others are not their fellow citizens. Now the only remaining Taiping territory is the city of Nanjing.

It's been under constant attack for two years. They're rapidly losing supplies. Some think that the very popular Chinese game of Mahjong was actually created by Qing soldiers who needed something to do to relieve the boredom during this long siege. People inside the city walls, so hungry, they first start to eat rats, then start to eat each other. Living in the heavenly kingdom now feeling more like living in hell. Li Xiuquan tries to persuade Hong JC baby bro to abandon the city but he refuses. Eventually though 2,000 Taiping soldiers will defy him and

flee the city, surrendering to the Qing army. Shortly before that Hong's remaining generals are urgently informing him that the Qing forces will soon overpower Nanjing that they should leave. He still refuses, says God will protect them. He even declines to try and negotiate for supplies because he believes God will provide supplies for them. Then in May of 1864, Hong gets sick. Some think he was poisoned. Others theorize he committed suicide. According to the version of him being poisoned, Hong told his starving citizens that God was taking care of them, and that manna from heaven was growing right beneath their feet. And to prove he's telling the truth, he gathers weeds off of the streets and eats them.

And these weeds, eaten in large amounts, are poisonous. I hope that's how he died. Pretty funny. Come on! Just eat them! Look at these weeds! These are so good! They're really delicious for you! Nah, it's, they're a little too hard to get down at first, but if you just power through and keep dead. June 1st, 1864, Hong Shu Kuan dies. Died doing what he loved, being a completely unreasonable maniac. Hong's son, son now, Hong Tianwei Fu, succeeds him as the new heavenly king at just the age of 15, some sources say 14.

He inherits a dying kingdom less than two months away from total collapse. Li Xiu Cheng manages to hold off Zeng and his army for another six weeks, then the inevitable happens. July 19, 1864, Nanjing finally falls to Qing forces. The Xiong army and Qing imperial troops had dug a tunnel under the city that a counter tunnel did not intercept and they were able to set up their explosives. Zeng detonated the explosives July 19th destroying 60 yards to the city's walls. His soldiers then run into the city and a three-day slaughter ensues. Estimated losses were 10,000 imperial soldiers out of 500,000 total and the Taiping lost 200,000 out of 400,000 soldiers and civilians.

Leader Zeng Guofan was shocked when almost 100,000 soldiers preferred to die over becoming prisoners. Some gathered in crowds and actually lit themselves on fire en masse. The Taipings fought until the very end. Li and Hong Zhengan able to take Hong jr. out of the city to safety. Hong Shu Kuan's widow led the entire harem she was ruling over to the river where they all drowned themselves which was a better fate than being taken by Qing soldiers and gang raped and murdered. Savage times to live in. The remaining Taiping Kings now on the run. They will

remain so for a few months until October of 1864. And I say kings, there was constantly like new little minor kings being, you know, leveled up. Zeng Guofan finally captures torturers and interrogates them. 15 or maybe 14 year old king Hong Tianwei Fu recants the Taiping cause. Said he had personally done nothing against the emperor, which might have been true. He's just a kid. He just happened to be born to a cult leader. He throws his dad and Hong Zhengon under the bus, but is killed anyway in the most brutal manner possible. Again, death by a thousand cuts. Li Xiuquan writes out a 50,000 word confession, details every battle he'd won, lists out his military tactics.

Zeng orders them all to be executed, then edits Zhou Chong's confession to paint himself in a better light, since some of the battle tactics that he'd written out made him look like a bad leader. Hong Zhengong refuses to recant or cooperate. He is the last man standing at the GWS, has to watch his fellow kings and family members be executed, many of them sliced to death before he is sliced to death. More deaths by a thousand cuts.

The rebellion is officially over. Even if several small pockets of resistance fighting will continue to break out over the next four years until 1868. To discourage anything like this from ever happening again, the Qing dynasty launches a wave of massacres of the Hakka people, killing up to 30,000 men, women and children a day. 30,000 a day for months. As crazy as the Taiping's rebellion was, it could have been worse. Had they not had so much infighting, had their leader Hong Shiquan actually had a plan for or interest in governing, as opposed to fucking around, meditating, and indulging in orgies with his harem, they might have been able to keep their

momentum building, taken down the Qing dynasty, built stronger relations with the West, ruled all of China, and just killed so many people with their insane rules. But the Taiping Rebellion, oh man, sorry, I just jumped way ahead in my notes, but the Taiping Rebellion eventually imploded over internal conflict. Among the Nanjing elite, who indulged in a luxurious lifestyle, lost numbers and various coups, Their extreme religious beliefs were initially inspirational to many, but they didn't promote their rationalism, planning necessary for military, administrative, government success. Their tolerance of traditionalism also eventually alienated large groups of both the gentry and the village people. Their attempts at land redistribution failed, losing them more support from the peasants and the working class.

Not allowing anyone other than the leaders to fuck for a few years didn't help anything. Their strange forced separation to genders and frequent bans on sex in general, while the leaders fucked all the time, killed the morale of many of their followers. Their extremism initially brought people to their cause and then inevitably doomed it. The fall of Nanjing ended one of the biggest civil wars in the history of the world, the bloodiest, leaving anywhere from 20 million to 70 million people dead, still ranking as one of the deadliest wars of any kind in human history. For comparison, the US Civil War claimed the lives of somewhere between 620,000 and 750,000 people.

Comparing the highest US estimate to the lowest Taiping estimate, over 26 times as many people died in the Taiping Rebellion, a number that's really kind of hard to comprehend. At the high end, the death toll from the Taiping Rebellion is comparable to the total death toll for everyone who died, soldier or civilian, in all of World War II. Now let's get out of this timeline. While it looks like the Qing Empire won their war against the Taiping, and they technically did, there were no real victors from this bullshit. The Taiping lost everything and the Qing Empire was changed forever for the worse. The British and the French actually were the real victors, able to take advantage of

their trade relationship with China since China was so weakened, unable to defend themselves as well as they would have been able to without this rebellion on top of so many other problems. But also without the British and French forces helping them at the end, the Qing might not have ever been able to defeat the Taiping. Without them, Zeng's armies wouldn't have had enough men to overpower the Taiping's numbers. At its peak, the Heavenly Kingdom ruled over a population of nearly 30 million people. Also, two decisions by the Taiping back in 1853 were critical to their fall over a decade later in 1864. If they decided to go for Beijing instead of Nanjing,

or if the Northern Expedition went to Beijing instead of Tianjin, they might have truly taken over the entire Qing Empire, or at least battle for most of it. The rebellion was a major turning point in China's history. The Qing government had decentralized to win this war, giving control of armies and finances to various local leaders. these local leaders would go on to become warlords Dividing China coming up with their own forms of government depending on the area by the 1950s nearly a full century later some Areas of central China were still not fully recovered from this rebellion. Isn't that crazy? The rebellion had significant effects on the population over a century later in areas areas that experienced the rebellion most directly, the post-war population increases were 38% to 67% lower than regions unaffected by the war.

In a 2018 study conducted, it was discovered that the land policies enforced by the Taiping leaders greatly affected future population growth. Land policies in the early and late parts of the rebellion were different. Protection of land and property rights were better in the later stages of the rebellion. Taiping territory with large population losses but good protection of personal property, late Taiping areas, had faster population recovery and better long-term revenue generation as well as higher incomes following this. The effects are similar in areas closest to Nanjing. Areas near the rebel capital have higher levels of schooling than other locations.

This area is where capitalist elites tend to locate. The 2018 study summarized the Taiping rebellion affected population growth, income, fiscal capacity, modern economic sectors, and human capital all the way through 2010. Hope you enjoyed this fascinating chapter of world history. I would have likely never known about myself had I not started hosting this podcast. Let's go over some of what we just learned one more time. Learn something new with today's top five takeaways here in a second. Sorry if I fumbled a little bit here and there.

This one took the most prep of any topic in months. So unfamiliar with Chinese culture. So unfamiliar with it. Spent a full day just working on pronunciations. And makes sense to me. I hope it makes sense to you and I hope you found it interesting. Time shock top five takeaways. Number one Hong Shu Kuan was a peasant from a farming family who had big dreams. Lots of expectations on his shoulders. After failing his third attempt at the all-important Chinese civil service exam,

he suddenly became ill and fell into a coma for 30 days. Or at least got real sick for a month. While sick, he had fever dreams, going to heaven, fighting the king of hell with his older bro, defeating the demon race, getting some kind of fucking sword. Years later, after his cousin encouraged him to read or more likely reread a Christian pamphlet he claimed to have forgotten about, he had a religious epiphany, his crazy fever dreams, they were all real. He actually was the second son of God, Jesus' little bro. He was destined to get rid of the demon Manchu people and spread his heavenly kingdom throughout China.

And then Hong's fever dreams led to a rebellion that would kill at least 20 million and as many as 70 million people and lead to serious destruction throughout China. Number two, shockingly the Taiping army took over massive expanses of territory, defeated the Imperial army in many battles. They seized multiple provinces, cities along the Yangtze River, Nanjing, a major city in China. They held Nanjing for 11 years and made several attempts to conquer Beijing. Number three, Taiping soldiers had to follow a set of over 60 extreme rules. They had to be able to recite the Ten Commandments, show undying loyalty to their leaders, be organized and disciplined at all times.

They were forbidden from lustful acts, singing libidinous songs songs and men and women were separated constantly couldn't even talk to one another husband and wives forbidden from having sex uh it's just crazy despite the separation women were equal to men led some of their own military units within the tai ping army hail lusifena uh number four the 19th century was called a century of shame for the Qing dynasty they lost war well actually late 19th century, second half, first half of the 20th century. They lost wars, had internal rebellions, numerous economic disasters, famines, a serious opium addiction, epidemic, widespread poverty. The once great Qing empire was rapidly declining due to internal failures and external pressure

from western countries wanting trade access. The century of Shame was what led to the downfall of the final Chinese dynasty and later to the rise of the Republic of China. Number 5. New Info The People's Republic of China described the Taipings as socialists who were revolutionary leaders, but lacking proper government leadership to succeed. It wasn't until the late 1980s that the documents relaying Hong's visions were made public to Westerners.

The Taiping texts were first printed in the 1860s, later ended up in the British Library in London. These documents reflected a new way of analyzing the entire Taiping rebellion. Also revealed interesting parallels between Hong's story and the Bible. Hong was inspired by the Bible but not the true Christian Bible. Mostly read translated pamphlets and excerpts, some of which were filled with mistakes. Hong then took what he read, altered it further, made it truly his own. Until the 1980s, almost no one knew the full extent of how Christianity had influenced Hong

to start this particular bloody rebellion. Time Shuck Top 5 Takeaways The Taiping Rebellion, bloodiest civil war in world history, has been sucked. Hope you like the sound, the new recording equipment. I know in this one, not having the video system just the way I do it here and was able to redo the lights in the room, allowed me to see my notes much more clearly and focus much more intensive, which I needed for this one.

Thank you to the Bad Magic Productions team for the help in making time suck. Start with Queen of Bad Magic, Lindsay Cummins. Thanks to Logan Keith helping to publish this episode. Designing merch for the store at badmagicproductions.com. Thank you to Olivia Lee for doing the initial research this week. I think they did it about a year ago. Also thanks to the All Seen Eyes moderating the Cult of the Curious private Facebook page. The Mod Squad making sure Discord keeps running smooth.

And everyone over on the Time Suck subreddits. Subreddit. Singular and bad magic subreddit and Now let's head on over to this week's thoughtful time sucker updates Important correction coming in with this first update from a badass son, brother, and overall honorable military meat sack. Well, military family meat sack.

Ian Cremiscio, who writes in the subject line of Our Father Served in Rwanda. Dear Sir Suck, the man, myth and human butt plug for Lord God Nimrod. I'm writing in after listening to the most recent Saddam Hussein episode. In the beginning you mentioned that in Rwanda during that horrible genocide that our government quote did nothing to stop it. This is simply not true. Yes, the response was incredibly late, but without US interference it 100% would have been much worse.

Peacekeeping day late and dollar short. I'll try to keep it quick in summary because I honestly feel that this topic should be its own time suck episode. It's an incredibly fascinating and tragic true story of human evil that often gets overlooked because the region had happened because of the region had happened in. Essentially, President Clinton couldn't ignore the killings anymore and Operation Support Hope was initiated. The mission of Operation Support Hope was literally three words. Stop the dying. The French Legion was there first but more worried about the gold, diamond, and other mineral mines for France.

A U.S. coalition brought aid, broke her peace, stopped thousands more from dying. They set up between the two tribes, stopped fighting, and got the two sides to sit down for peace talks. The U.S. restored and brought water slash food for refugees who were city dwellers forced into the jungle due to the killings. Dying from genocide, yes, but also dying from disease, famine, and dehydration of those living in the bush that were not accustomed to doing that. My brother Kyle and I are huge fans of you in this podcast. We introduced our father Colonel Richard Dale Cremiscio.

Please give him a huge shout out, true fucking hero of the 82nd Airborne Division and a man who had boots on the ground for roughly a year in Rwanda during the genocide. We were living in Italy when this was going down. We never really knew the magnitude of what was going on then like we do now. Our father has been through so many conflicts and two genocides. Thank God he survived them, including Panama slash Granada invasions, Kosovo genocide, Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. He has never had a problem talking to his children about any of these experiences except Rwanda. I think that shows how traumatic it was for him and all of the people affected by that

genocide. Their story should be heard and the Americans absolutely need credit for their involvement because it would have been much more catastrophic without them. My brother, also a veteran and in the 82nd Airborne, almost died because when our dad got back from Wanda he transferred the Campylobacter bacteria and Giardia parasite to him. Poor bastard was literally airborne. Pun intended every time he shit due to the violent and ferocious diarrhea No matter where he was in the toilets or not laughing my fucking ass off We have also introduced your podcast to our dad. He loves you as well. We were all at your last Tampa show

We look forward to you doing stand-up again and your episode on the Rwanda genocide Great podcast don't change a thing three out of five stars Ian Cremiscio VA in private practice licensed clinical social worker Kyle Cremiscio civil engineer PS remember watching a live interview on the news where our dad is driving the Humvee He's detailing what it's going on in real time shares unfortunate but true graphic details Haven't been able to locate the clip but was wondering if your research had better resources available. We'll continue to search for it, provide it if we manage to get a copy. Additionally, if you decide to do an episode on the Rwanda genocide, our father would be

honored to consult with you and your team. I'm grateful that my career helped break the military culture slash man rules that made him feel weak or like a pussy for getting help with PTSD. Dad has since been able to have improved quality of life. Holy shit Ian! First off, I fucking love how much you honor your father in this message. Kind of fits for this episode. We're in Chinese culture, honoring your parents, it's so important. You got a hero for a dad and it sounds like maybe the universe rewarded him with two

incredibly heroic sons as well. It fills my heart up to hear this love and respect. Second, big thanks to your father and brother for their service. Third, yeah, I apologize. I overstated my position and that was clearly lazy of me. Yeah, the US did send in boots on the ground, not in the same way as they did in Iraq. Superficial searches act like that didn't happen, but yes, it did, of course,

but still in an incredibly meaningful way with operations to support hope. Sorry for unintentionally denigrating the incredible and courageous contributions of the brave men and women who risked their lives to help those suffering there. During the peak of operations to support Hope in late August, I know now the US had roughly 2350 service members deployed and about 15,000 tons of humanitarian supplies would be delivered by 1200 airlift sorties.

So thank you Colonel Richard Dale Cremiscio for your service. Thank you to your brother for his service as well in the 82nd Airborne and you also if you also are a veteran. And don't think I didn't notice Dick Dale. Come on Richard Dale. It's a great name King. Hard name. Long name for long hard man. And I have not been able to find that video. Yeah I don't know. It probably comes down to what kind of search criteria if it's still out there. Unfortunately, just putting your dad's name doesn't bring it up for me. I should for sure do an episode on the Rwandan genocide.

I'll try and remember to reach out when I do. Thanks for writing in Ian. Good job encouraging your dad to talk to somebody. And I hope you guys didn't see too many dudes beating off in public when you're in Italy. Let's stay in Europe now. Listen to a thought-provoking update sent in by Croatian meat sack, Dražen Stojčić, sent in a subject line of drug on, subject line of, pause, on drug legalization. Hello Dan. For the past month I've been listening

to your excellent Time Slug Podcast and in one of the episodes you called out to listeners to chime in with their stands on legalizing drugs. While I'm certainly no expert I wanted to share an outside perspective on this issue. I'm from Croatia, I'm from Croatia. I visited the USA six times in the past ten years as a tourist and traveled extensively across your beautiful country. Being a photographer I was absolutely blown away by the beauty of the nature and I always list the Grand Canyon as my favorite place on this flat earth of ours now. My general stance on legalization of recreational drugs has always been very positive even though

I'm not a user myself. I have many friends that do use and do it in a responsible adult in an appropriate way. So for years I supported initiatives to completely legalize recreational drugs as I thought the legal oppression was over the top and unnecessary. Yet on my last visit to USA in late 2022, I have to say this changed. We visited New York City and at that time, recreational drugs have been legalized for over a year. Yeah, I think just tolerated, not legalized.

Okay, compared to my visits a few years before, it was impossible not to notice the negative effects. Manhattan felt so much more unsafe, streets full of crazy high people, so many homeless sleeping on the curbs and the smell of devil weed spreading everywhere. Even the major tourist hotspots felt unsafe. There's just something uncomfortable

about seeing a half naked man on Times Square with a blunt in his mouth and machete in his hand. Oh yeah, yeah, weed as far as legal is, yeah. Standing in front of a shop window, angrily arguing with himself. The atmosphere was a far cry from pre-pandemic New York City back when I didn't feel unsafe out on the streets, regardless of the time of day or night. Speaking of pandemic, I do know that COVID played a major role in everything I'm describing as well as a fentanyl crisis.

After a week in New York City, me and my wife traveled to Vancouver in Canada. As you probably know, British Columbia was among the most liberal place in the world when it comes to drug decriminalization, allowing public drug use, providing all sorts of support programs to enable people to safely consume drugs. Situation there was significantly worse than in New York City. Despite all the governmental efforts, more people were dying from overdoses in record numbers, drug use was on the rise, drug-related crime was higher than ever, and yet a whole drug user and homeless camp site right in the middle of downtown Vancouver. Seeing it in person really left a lasting impression on me me and ever since that trip I have to say I'm not in favor of

legalization anymore. Earlier this year British Columbia reversed its decriminalization of drugs in public due to a mountain of problems, disorder and frustration of its residents. The British Columbia experiment failed. I don't claim to have a solution or even an idea as to how to solve the drug issue and I certainly do not know what's worse. Regulating drug use, potentially making drugs readily available to more people, or dealing with consequences of cartels, drug dealing, and everything else. Which is what happened 10 years ago I visited Mexico, had a chance to see the effects of

the cartel wars. While a machete wielding naked man on Times Square can make one uncomfortable, headless bodies hanging from a highway bridge are certainly worse. I will strongly support decriminalization of recreational drugs because it really makes no sense to criminally persecute people for smoking pot, but I just don't think the society on average is responsible enough for total legalization. While I would happily let you personally do all the drugs you want, I can't say the same for some random dipshit.

To me it seems the random dipshits need some tough love. Maybe do a podcast about this? Love the show. Hail Nimrod. Hail Lusifena. Drozhin. Drozhin, a great message dude. I'm so glad you've been able to do so much traveling over here. I got to make it to Croatia in the next few years. It's actually been the top spot on Lindsay's like bucket list travel destination list for over a decade and we still have not been there. Yeah, the decriminalization effort here in the States, you should see Portland, Oregon

has largely failed. I don't know as much about British Columbia's efforts. However, I think this is because of how it's been handled. And I bet this applies to British Columbia too, as you reference, like the Aldo homeless. In order to truly make drug decriminalization successful, I think it's got to be an all-in, encompassing approach, legalizing recreational drug in only a few places or only one province. I don't think it's ever going to work because now you've created a hot spot destination for society's most irresponsible users. You've got to be be like Portugal, entire nation on the same page. It's been very successful there for decades now. While drugs are not legal per se there, you are not criminally punished for possession of recreational amounts.

And they don't have the problems you witnessed because they are very rehab focused, not punitive focused, but also like dealing with it in a much more like broader encompassing way. And referring to the guy you saw with the machete, I think you need to treat drug use the same way you treat alcohol use here in the States. You can get fucked up, but if you're fucked up in public, that is technically a crime, public intoxication, and we should enforce that punishment of that crime. You should be arrested if you're acting reckless in public.

You shouldn't be able to fucking be high with a machete in your hand out on the street. And I would argue the real problem you witnessed here in Canada and the US in general is a homelessness epidemic as opposed to a drug epidemic. Personally, I don't think you should be allowed to just live out in public places and do shit like shoot up opioids. I've walked down San Francisco with Lindsay maybe six months ago. I don't even know how many people we walked by who were just shooting up right there on the sidewalk right in front of businesses. But the big question is what do you do with these people? Where do they go? I think we need to invest massively in a new asylum system for lack of a better name and alternative. Massive involuntary hold treatment

centers. Do you have a means to provide for yourself? Do you have family or friends who will allow you to stay with them? No? Well then you have to enter this asylum system designed to treat your addiction, offer better mental health services, job rehabilitation, help you get your life back on track, and you gotta stay there until you got somewhere other than out on the street to stay. You can't just interfere with businesses and scare the general public. Not an ideal solution, I know. But I think it's better than just letting people fucking camp out indefinitely in front of small businesses, scaring away customers, putting others at risk economically, and essentially spreading homelessness

like it's a virus now because you're destroying the local economy. In order to make drug legalization actually work, we've got to invest massively in education so people understand the effects of drugs more thoroughly. Sell clean versions of drugs. That's a big problem. Have places akin to weed dispensaries to reduce overdoses. Have vice taxes be paid on these drugs that can go towards state rehab costs. Also need to rein in military industrial complex price gouging. Use the savings to invest in social programs.

Reign in big pharma. Price gouging. Make them invest in addiction problems they rein in big pharma, price gouging, make them invest in addiction problems they have helped create on and on and on. It would take me fucking hours to lay out all my thoughts on this. What we can't do is go, hey, go ahead and shoot up in Times Square. We'll look the other way. Or yeah, you can get fucked up in Portland, Oregon, but nowhere else.

And just hope that shit works out. And yeah, I agree with you. We do need to exercise some tough love. Too much bleeding hard emotional thinking has turned portions of San Francisco and Los Angeles, for example, into third world wastelands. It's gotten so bad that the incredibly liberal governor Gavin Newsom is finally getting tough on homeless encampments because allowing them to do shit like congregate on Skid Row indefinitely and just hoping they voluntarily choose to either enter rehab centers or similar programs

at some point, not fucking working at all. Also need to overhaul our entire way of governing, accept that we already have certain social programs like social security and Medicare, add more social programs like a baseline of free health care and free education, limit foreign investment in real estate, expand rent control policies, do more to give the working class a fighting chance in this country so that their lives aren't so dire from always being on the edge of being homeless that they want to escape their lives in drug addiction.

And I'll stop now. Again, I could go on forever. This subject makes my fucking blood boil. I think it's a fixable problem, but I think if we just keep bowing down to corporate interests over personal interests, we're never gonna fix it. Hail Nimrod Hail, Lucifina Drajin. Thanks for a wonderful message. And now one more silly one From an anonymous and hilarious military sack who sent in the eye-catching subject line of your shitty Italian masterclass is going to cost me $3,000

With the Italian police and a law update They write greetings master sucker to start off if you read this on air, please leave my name and info out. I am still active duty military. Thank you for your service. I recently had the opportunity to go to Italy for a training exercise with a small team. We decided to hit up a disco because it's fucking 2024. I didn't know discos were still a thing, but an ass backwards Italy they are. After a few drinks and some chill time, I decided to go outside, wait for the rest of my group. when the bouncer says something to me in Italian. Me being a dumb American, I respond with, sorry, no, just English. Then this motherfucker proceeds to say in almost perfect English, fucking Americans,

can't even learn a little bit of a language. This seemed like a perfect chance to try out my skills. I have been working on using your Italian master language course. It's my lucky day. I turned and said, actually, I have been learning on using your Italian master language course. It's my lucky day. I turned and said, actually I have been learning a little bit. Antonio Banderas, we got a spaghetti pasta, it's a spicy meatball. As I turned to laugh away from this fine local gentleman, I feel a huge fucking blow land to the back of my head.

Knocks out both of my hearing aids. I have a traumatic brain injury from previous deployments. This helps with the hearing loss and ringing. I immediately turn to face this fucker, start losing my shit while trying to pick up my hearing aids, and I get pushed over while grabbing him. By this time, my group is outside, and he has a crowd of locals surrounding him. As a guest and a semi-professional person, I do everything in my power not to deck this guy, start an Italian revolution of my own. I end up yelling about wanting to kick their ass, call him a pussy for punching a dude with hearing aids with a sucker punch. Due to my loud yelling and a crowd forming,

the Carabinieri, the Italian police are called and I receive a ticket for disorderly conduct. At this point, I'm embarrassed beyond words for potentially bringing shame to my organization, putting them in a bad light for my actions. I figure I'll pay my ticket and be done with it. I shit you not. The next day, the damn Carabinieri call me. They took down my info. Say they have a matter they need to discuss about the incident. I figure it's maybe they spelled my name wrong. Or they want to hear my amazing Italian again. No.

The guy who hit me said that before the police showed up, I went to the parking lot, found his car, put a basketball sized dent in the trunk. He had gotten an estimate and said it would be for 2800 it would be 2800 US dollars to repair. I immediately called bullshit but the police said he would not press charges if we could come to an agreement on monetary compensation. If I don't pay he's gonna press charges which will trigger a database. My whole search, my whole unit is notified of this. I will be on trial by Proxen Italy for damaging his hundred thousand euro car now. I will have to prove it was not me who put a dent in it. The interpreter there was super cool. Explain, ah, just basically an extortion racket and it's totally normal. Now my choice is to pay

the amount he's asking me to pay or go to Italian court and defend myself with zero witnesses against his local friends who will swear up and down I somehow magically found his car and damaged it and will have to pay whatever they decide. I still give your language class 3 out of 5 stars, wouldn't change a thing, but for fuck's sake, please put a disclaimer on it. That it may cause the user to be assaulted and extorted by Italian locals. Love you bunches, currently I'm finishing the Italian mob episode. Say hi to everyone for me. Once again, fuck you for your amazing language class from Anonymous. Love you. Holy shit dude, fuck you for your amazing language class from Anonymous. Love you. Holy shit dude, love you.

I'm not surprised at all that you're being extorted and that the Italian legal system seems to make that easy to do. I know Italy is a beautiful nation, but holy shit, it's just feeling more and more like a third world nation. A lot of wonderful people outside of all the dudes jerking off all over the place, but it seems to have a terrible fucking government. No wonder so many Italians have immigrated to America over the years. It's corrupt as fuck over there.

Also, I feel bad that you were hit, but much respect for actually saying that to a guy who's being a dick. What does he care if you speak Italian or not? You don't run a business there, right? He doesn't have to talk to you. You left his bar, fuck that guy. Sounds like you might have to pay him, though.

I hope not, but it sounds like you probably are going to have to pay him. Hail Nimrod, best of luck. Maserati Bighetti Spaghetti Santoro Bandettis! That's a spicy meatball! Thanks for writing in, everybody. Thanks, Time Suckers. I needed that. We all did. Thank you for listening to another Bad Magic Productions podcast.

Scared to death, Time Suck each week. Short sucks and nightmare fuel. On the Time Suck and Scared to Death podcast feed some weeks, I've been running into more fans out and about talking about nightmare fuel. That's been super fun. Please don't freak out if you fail a test this week or you get so sick and nearly die and you have a bunch of fever dreams where you're Jesus' baby bro and then you try and take over China.

They're too strong for that shit now. Just stay home. Just daydream about stuff like that while you keep on sucking. Pretty jealous. Mad Magic Productions Pretty jealous of the fever dreams Hong Shikuan had. I don't think I've ever had a dream where I get to fight demons with a magic sword given to me by a golden-bearded ninja wizard motherfucker. Maybe I need to stop smoking weed at night. I hear it kills your dreams. Is weed keeping me from going on spirit quests at night? What a terrible side effect. If I had one of those dreams, would Lindsay let me have a harem 100 strong?

Maybe I should say no to drugs.