Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 83 - Lost Books of the Bible!

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

The Lost Books of the Bible! Is that really what we’re talking about today on Timesuck? Yes. Was I super excited to dive into this topic when I found out our Space Lizard listeners voted it in on the app? No! I mean, we just did an episode last week with a strong Christian theme! And now we’re doing another? Yep. And it's awesome. Turns out, once again, the wisdom of the Space Lizard community has surpassed my own. This is a great topic! A fascinating topic. A very hard topic to research - you guys kicked my ass on this one the week back from vacation, but a highly relevant and perpetually relevant topic! We take a pre-Catholic, pre-Great Protestant divide look into the very formation of Christianity itself. It's intense. Magic battles, a VERY strange sacrament ritual, entertaining archaic customs and so much more on today's Timesuck! Timesuck is brought to you by My West Coast Buds, the podcast! Take an inside look at cannabis, coffee, comedy, and spirits. Timesuck is also brought to you by American Addiction Centers. AAC is revolutionizing the addiction treatment industry with holistic, evidence-based treatment practices. Need help? Call American Addiction Centers at 888-708-4264 - available 24/7. Your life is worth more than your addiction. Don't wait until it's too late! Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG, @timesuckpodcast on Twitter, and www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna be a Space Lizard"? Go here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits. And, thank you for supporting the show by doing your Amazon shopping after clicking on my Amazon link at www.timesuckpodcast.com

The last book of the Bible. Is that what we're really talking about today on Time Suck? Yeah. Was I super excited to dive into this topic when I found out that our space lizard listeners voted it in on the app? Uh, no, it wasn't. Full disclosure, I voted for the Green River Killer on the app. I mean, we just did an episode last week with a strong Christian theme.

And now we're doing another? Well, kind of. Turns out, once again, the wisdom of the space lizard community has surpassed my own. Turns out, this is a great topic, a fascinating topic, a very hard topic to research. You guys kicked my ass on this one, this on the week back from vacation, but a highly relevant and perpetually relevant topic. And last week's episode, the Westboro Baptist Church suck was not really a Christian episode. I'm not Christian myself, but I know a lot of Christians who do not want, in any way, shape or form, to be associated with the subject of last week's episode.

A lot of wonderful Christians wrote in, and they were more pissed off than anyone, about those wacky doodles. This week is way interesting. It's deep. We take a pre-Catholic, pre-Great Protestant divide, look into the very formation of Christianity itself. Still sound boring? Well, clearly, you-Great Protestant divide, look into the very formation of Christianity itself. Still sound boring? Well, clearly, you're not familiar with a lot of the Bible stories.

There is so much intense shit in there. Magic battles, demon fights, demon fights, weird entertaining archaic customs and rules, big badass bloodthirsty archangels, cities leveled to the ground by an angry, all-powerful God be trail, forgiveness, more betrayal, more forgiveness. Lots of fire breathing dragons. Okay, maybe not a lot of dragons. I think there is a few dragons reference in the lost books of the Bible though. But there are definitely giants. The Christian God and the God of ancient Judaism far from boring of a deity. But maybe you think, yeah, but I'm not Christian. How does this relate to me? Or I was raised in the church and honestly I've heard enough about all this growing up. Or,

I'm Christian and I get this every Sunday and I'm not interested in having my religion possibly slandered. Well, none of those excuses work today. Okay? First, this topic relates to and is relevant to all of us because by and large, if you live in an English-speaking nation, or even a nation where large portions of the population can also speak English, you probably live in a culture greatly influenced and or created, you know, by Christianity. And if you live in a predominantly Muslim Hindu Buddhist or country of another religion, odds are you're all too familiar with Christian nations messing around in some way or another with your culture, whether it's your warfare, missionary work, both. The colonization of the Americans, the South Pacific, Africa, even

parts of Asia all greatly influenced by European Christianity. No religion has shaped the cultures of the modern world more than Christianity. It's not even close, it's a largely Christian world. The world has more Christians than it does members of any other major religion, over 2 billion. There are over 1.6 billion Muslims and just over 1 billion Hindus, but Muslim and Hindu nations just haven't influenced modern international culture in quite the same way that American and European Christianity have. The US has been the largest exporter of culture in the world since the 1960s at least.

And the culture we spread, the music, film, TV, fashion, podcasts is all rooted or shaped by Christianity. The US was founded by very religious, very Christian people, and we still feel the effects that are influenced today heavily. Over 76% of the United States citizens still identify as being at least somewhat religious, and over 70% of US citizens identify with some form of Christianity. It is by far the dominant religion. To answer the question once posed by Time magazine,

God is not dead. The United States is still a very religious nation. And what is this dominant religion based on? The Bible. Obviously, right? As a Lutheran, or Calvinist, or Catholic, or Greek Orthodox, Jehovah's Witness, Branch Davidian, and yes, other Christians, the Branch Davidians do identify as Christian. While you may disagree greatly over the interpretation of the Bible, you at least agree that the Bible is, you know, a pretty important textual basis for your religion, if not the only book that matters to your religion. But have you ever stopped to think about how the book your face is based on God here? Like, how was it written? Who wrote it? When? I mean, it's not like one day the Christian Savior, Prophet and Son of God Jesus died in the the next day some antiquity version of paper

boys just showed up on the street corners of Jerusalem's. Get your Bible, get your fresh Bible, hot off the presses, new religion in town, get your salvation, two Shackles with salvation. Now, took a while. Took a while during an era when people weren't real good at writing shit down. Staples and office Depot hadn't quite made it to the Middle East 2000 years ago. Literacy rates weren't exactly over 90% in most of the world like they are now. And 2000 years ago, just like today, human beings weren't real good at agreeing on shit. In the first few centuries of life after the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, the earliest of

his followers, the earliest Christians, formed various little groups within their predominantly Jewish communities, and they documented to the best of their abilities, or in some cases, to the best of their ability to suit someone else's messages to their very own, very human agenda, to explain the life in messages of Jesus and his disciples. And over time, these various recollections and stories and parables and lessons, et cetera, morphed into the Bible you hold today. And even time, these various recollections and stories and parables and lessons, etc. morphed into the Bible you hold today. And even today, there are several variations of that Bible. So let's take a gander at the formation of arguably the most influential book in the history of the world.

The God of Christianity's perennial bestseller, and then look into some initial rough draft chapters, didn't quite make the final cut. Today, on TimeSuck. And then looking to some initial rough draft chapters didn't didn't quite make the final cut today on time suck Happy Monday time suckers. I'm Dan Cummins aka the master sucker aka the suck puppet profit and Nimrod Fourth leg of both jangles the pro-claimer of Michael Mothers fucking McDonald's, and the occasional Harbourn Jervlusefina. And you, fair member of the Colt of the Curious, are listening to Time Suck, and you're a beautiful fucking person inside and out, and if anyone tells you different, you kick them right in their vagina dick. Yep. And today's Time Suck is brought to you by American Addiction Centers. Addiction is a very serious nationwide problem, and there's

no easy fix, and recovery is not one size fits all. Just like certain baseball hats, they claim they are, but comically, perch on my top of my giant brain holster instead of actually fitting on my head. American Addiction Centers customize their treatment to fit individual needs with evidence-based practices and specialized patient care technology. This is especially important in the midst of the current opioid epidemic. A problem too many of us are all too familiar with.

So time suckers, if you're ready to get help, call American Addiction Centers at 888-708-4264. That's 888-708-4264, available 24-7. Your life is worse more than your addiction. Don't wait and tell us too late and that's no joke. Hey, on Nimrod, take care of yourself's time suckers. You meet sacks and the most beautiful souls I've come across in 40 years of hoafing around this big old space rock. The world needs you to stick around. You're the best. Treat yourself accordingly. For those of you not struggling with addiction, those of you who, you know, if you don't like the partake of marijuana, you enjoy listening to the lifestyle,

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Just push their button and get right to them. All right, some quick suck announcements now. All right, if you hear a little recording difference today, I'm not recording from the suck dungeon. I was on vacation for a week and then went straight from that, flew to from New Orleans to Charlotte and started an eight day, eight city tour. This is day eight city tour. This is day eight of that.

I'm recording the morning of the San Antonio show. The tour has been fucking amazing, but I'm having to record in my Dallas hotel room in the morning just because I wasn't able to get that far ahead to get that many soads in the can. Actually, I couldn't because this one was a voted in topic. So, yeah, it sounds a little different. I'm holding a microphone in a Hilton Garden Inn instead of being in the good old suck dungeon. All right, some good

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Man, I got I got to take a second to do that truly Some of the best crowds I performed in front of in my whole life. Holy shit. This thing is revving up best crowds I performed in front of in my whole life. Holy shit. This thing is revving up. I met so many wonderful time suckers and spacelers in Charlotte, Atlanta, Birmingham, Huntsville, Nashville, Houston, Dallas, San Antonio. And whether the crowd was, you know, sold out 500 people in the theater or 100 people in Huntsville, it was a great group that really wanted to be there. Definitely coming back to the South. Man, the suck is just getting stronger. You guys wore shirt shirts, hoodies, hats, you brought gifts, Art food and action figure, little bojangles, doghouse. Most importantly, you brought your wonderful souls to those shows and together

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Live Time Suck podcast and Spokane on May 6. That's a Sunday. More tour dates at d Dancoma.tv time suck 83 lost books of the Bible right now. All right, so before we delve into the last books of the Bible, we need to understand what books are already in the Bible. A book that as as of October 2017, have been translated into 670 languages. I wonder if one of those is Pig Latin. Uday unto hay, others hay as hay, you hay,

Udway, Ev hay, and day unto hay, you hay. That's the golden rule of Pig Latin, if you didn't catch it. I don't think it's been translated into Pig Latin, but maybe it should be. Well, the most popular version of the Bible in the world today is the King James version of the Bible. It world today is the King James version of the Bible It's a little more popular than the Prince Jimmy Bible and a lot more popular than the Duke Jimbo Bible and hopefully you know I made those last two versions up entirely that came out of my head the commission of the King James Bible took place in 1604 at the Hampton Court conference

outside of London England the first edition appeared in 1611. The translation was done by 47 scholars, all of whom were members of the Church of England, and none of whom were probably very fun at parties. King James gave the translators instructions intended to ensure that a new version would conform to the ecclesiology

and reflect the episcopal structure of the Church of England and its belief in an ordained clergy. It is important to note that none of the biblical translations England and its belief in an ordained clergy. It is important to note that none of the biblical translations and medieval and ancient Europe are really just anywhere. We're done under the direction of, hey, you scholars, just translate it and just reorganize it with 100% accuracy. I care not if some of the words within those ancient bindings reflect poorly upon the manner in which I govern the population of my nation. I only want the true word of God reflected. Consequences be damned. No. I'm sure there are more like, hey, I want you to update the

holiest of books and I want you to accurately capture the true word of God. But here's the thing. I need God's words to line up with the way we're running shit. You know what I'm saying? I don't want a social uprising. Neither is God. So easy on the verses. We're God encourages people to rise up against their world of masters and heavy on the turn of the other cheek stuff. Heavy on the meek shell and herothe your stuff. Cause you know, if it doesn't come out to my liking,

I'm gonna label you a heretic and I'm gonna have you tortured and killed. Okay, all right, okay. Okay, so have fun. Get back to translating their friar. I've got my eye on you. And when you're working for King James, like when you're working for most medieval monarchs, you need to do what you want. He wanted, if you wanted to keep

your head. He really wasn't fucking around. King James was known to torture and kill those. He deemed unholy, and I imagine if he didn't like you, there was a good chance you would be labeled unholy. You know, just, Jeffrey, what do you think of Stephen? I don't like the way he's constantly batting his way in the conversations at the Bolton Heights. And a lot of women here seem to fancy him a bit more than they seem to fancy me. He seems a bit unholy, doesn't he not? Yeah, King James was especially big on witches. He personally oversaw numerous cases of women being labeled witches in their subsequent torture and execution.

When he was but a prince, he actually wrote and published a book called Demonology in 1597. It was a book about a demon named Malazac, who Welsh witches conjured into existence in 1595. And this demon went on to eat several missing British children and the witches who lived in Corinth pretended to be illiterate housemates of Duke Wilfred Roberts IV, a prominent shipyard banker. And one day Wilfred's IV, a prominent shipyard banker. And one day Wilfred's third daughter, 15 year old Elizabeth III, disappeared in the middle of the night.

And when Georgina II, the child's nanny, told him she was gone, Wilfred IV, noticed she smiled in a funny way, kind of like the way like a devil which would smile. So he had her stretched upon the rack until she told him where his daughter was, and she refused. And she pretended that she had no idea convenient. She would stretch until she tore into four somewhat equal pieces. And then when the other women who worked in his home got super sad about the whole being tortured and killed thing, he knew they were clearly agents of Malazac. Gotcha. And he had them burned alive. And they burned everyone

who cried about them burned, he had them burned alive. And then he burned a few other people alive who didn't clap hard enough for the second group of people being burned alive and then he burned a few other people alive who didn't clap hard enough for the second group of people being burned alive. And then he had several other women from town, obvious witches who made themselves known by either looking at him for too long or not for long enough or not at all. He had them set on fire and then while they're on fire, he had them catapulted into the sea and then he had to see itself burned alive. And you probably realize by now that this tale has gotten way too convoluted and nonsensical, even for 16th century England. How long did you believe that one?

At which point did you realize I was jerking your brain chain? I hope you made it all the way to women being catapulted while on fire into the sea before you were like, wait a minute. No, that's not what demonology was about at all. But it does kind of seem like the sort of thing it could have happened at the time, which I feel like says a lot about the era. Now, in 1597, Prince James, later King James, of England, did write demonology a philosophical dissertation on contemporary necromancy, I'm not kidding this time, and the historical relationships between the various methods of divination used from ancient black magic. This included a study on demonology, and the methods demons used to bother troubled men

while touching on topics such as werewolves and vampires. Seriously, I'm kidding. For real, he wrote this stuff, and it not being a silly or ironic way. The shit is really what he was writing about. Black magic, werewolves, vampires, and this is the guy who would oversee the translation that would become the King James Version.

He break down specific topics in his books, such as the Devil's Contract with Man, comparisons between the miracles of God and the Devil, the path of a sorcerer's apprenticeship, the appearance of devils, the times and forms which they appear, and methods of transportation and the illusions of Satan. This is a real book that people would read to acquire knowledge about the spiritual world, just a, oh, so, so that's how the devil gets around. Okay, that's interesting. Oh, I thought that was how one became a sorcerer as a apprentice. Here's a little excerpt from this book,

little snippet from the second book, it was divided into three. First chapter. But I pray, you before you go further, let me interrupt you here with a short aggression, which is that many can scarcely believe that there is such a thing as witchcraft, whose reasons I will shortly allege unto you that ye may satisfy me as well in that, as ye have done in the rest. For first, whereas the scripture seems to pronounce which craft to be by diverse examples, and especially by sundry of the same, which he has alleged, it is thought by some that these places speak of magicians and necromancers only, and not of witches. Yeah, that's really what he wrote. And necromancers, important to understand the headspace, I think,

of the guy who oversaw the most popular edition of the most popular book of all time. I'm teasing him a bit, but the King James version of the Bible was truly revolutionary because prior to this translation, the Bible was not widely available to be read in English or any other language that was not Latin in medieval Europe. There were a few English versions though before it.

Versions read primarily by clergy and scholars, virgins, such as the one that Shakespeare, I've heard of him, was familiar with the Geneva Bible, which was printed for the first time in 1560. Prior to this was the great Bible, authorized by King Henry VIII, and published in 1539. That was the first authorized English Bible. It was used to be read aloud at church services

for the Church of England after Henry VIII gave the Pope the proverbial middle finger and split from Rome when they wouldn't let him get yet another new wife. We've talked about that. Prior to the English and church, and prior to the 16th century Protestant Reformation, Christian Scripture was officially only read in Latin. And again, we did talk about a lot of that before in time. Socks 74, the IRA, the scene of the worst Irish asset in human history about this split that led to many, many years later, the formation of the Irish Republican Army when Ireland,

who did not cultured, split from Rome, became subjugated in various ways under the thumbs of English Protestants. Okay, so prior to the Great Bible, both partial and whole English translations of the Bible existed as far back as the 7th century, but there were private copies never widely circulated. Some ran to monk, you know, he would copy over a few verses, or moral scholar, could copy a few things there, and by and large, when they were caught doing this, their genitals were cut off, and they were forced to live in the forest.

Prior to being translated out of Latin for centuries, the Bible was available in Latin only. Outside of a few scholars, you know, to the clergy of the Catholic church would give a mass in Latin, which is interesting because many medieval peasants didn't have a real good grasp of Latin. So they would literally just sit through a sermon, they didn't understand.

The priests would speak of God and their native tongue, though as well, but not for the formal mass. He would just kind of give them the gist of the main messages. Like the Ten Commandments, believe in Jesus, go to heaven, be sure to tie it to the church. Don't do anything naughty or a question, or question the spiritual supremacy of the Catholic church or the devil will torture you forever and never know. Oh, oh, and before I forget, I was kidding about scholars getting their generals chopped off and being translated and being forced living the woods. Again,

though, it does feel possible, right, for the era. I wouldn't be surprised that it actually happened. You ever see the stained glass windows of a Catholic church? I went to a beautiful Again, though, it does feel possible, right, for the era. I wouldn't be surprised if that did actually happen. You ever see the stained glass windows of a Catholic church? I went to a beautiful one in Orleans when I was on vacation last week, and I went to the Immaculate Conception, it's a Jesuit Catholic church, just outside the French Quarter,

at 130 Barone Street, and can't recommend it enough. It looks nice from the outside, but not like amazing breathtaking on the inside. It was designed in this neo-Venetian Gothic style of the Gothic revival architecture. It has this enormous nave. It's got to be like a hundred to a hundred and fifty feet from Florida ceiling. There's several levels of beautiful stained glass windows of some biblical scenes. Jesus with his disciples, Jesus with mother Mary, Jesus on the cross, etc.

And the priest there that day, I talked to him for about 20, 30 minutes, he told me that when viewed from left to right, each row of windows told a story from the Bible. Some very expensive old, kind of Sunday morning Christian comic strip, or graphic novel of sorts. Because a lot of the poor, they couldn't understand what the priest was saying because they didn't speak Latin. And so they just kind of, they used the windows and a lot of Catholic churches just to kind of reinforce the main themes and main stories of the Bible. And why didn't they use the windows and a lot of Catholic churches just to kind of reinforce the main themes and main stories of the Bible. And why didn't they read the Bible in other languages for so many years?

Well, because they didn't want the general public to have direct access to the word of God. To find salvation, you had to go through the Catholic church. It's a fucking brilliant business move. I mean, they had the entire market on European souls just cornered for centuries. I mean, classic supply and demand economics. They had the most important product in the world,

your salvation, access to heaven, and they were not interested in competition, or letting you just kinda, you know, it's like what reminds me of the old times like on Scientology, like Elrond Hubbard, first created this dyinetic system and let people audit themselves. And then it was like, oh shit

Everybody just bought my auditing equipment and now they're just off on their own doing it and they don't need me anymore And we came back around for the next version. He's like no, no, no, no, no, we got to do it We do it authorize people need to do it and then you get to perpetually make money Anyway, so now we know that the King James of England 1604 commissioned bunch of scholars to translate the Latin Bible of the Catholic Church into the English Bible, still very much in use today, made the word of God more accessible for Christians. And then there are other popular English Bible versions,

such as the NIV, the new international version, the NIV began in 1956, with the formation of a small committee to study the value of producing a translation in the common language of the American people. The project was formally started after a meeting in 1965 at Trinity Christian College in Palace Heights, Illinois, the Christian and Form Church National Association of Evangelicals

and Group of International Scholars. First published in 1978 by Biblical, used to be International Bible Society. And there's many other versions. And for each version, the oldest text available to scholars at the time are consulted to help ensure accuracy. Modern Bibles are not actually just copies of a copy of a copy, etc. When a new version has created scholars go to the earliest surviving sources and reconstruct them, which is different than I previously thought.

For whatever reasons, I thought that the King James, for example, was just translated from Latin to English. I feel like a lot of people think that, based on conversations I've had over my life. I feel like a lot of people think that, oh just based on conversations I've had over my life. I feel like a lot of people think that like, oh, okay, so they have this one Bible in Latin, and then they just try to copy Latin into English. And that's actually not true. When they come up with new editions, scholars go back to the earliest documents we have surviving from the Bible, you know, written in like Greek, Hebrew, Aramaic, and reranslated from the original sources, using modern kind of other Bibles as, you know, secondary sources.

However, you know, even though they do that, I do think it gets harder and harder to ensure cultural kind of accuracy as time goes on with each new version, because the meanings of words change. We've talked about that many times here in the suck. And since we don't know much about the lives of the original authors, you know, it gets harder and harder to truly understand their culture, I feel like, and determined as time goes on, and in terms of what they're trying to say,

it's not like we have a lot of video from the old days. Like think about the word love. Think about how many different meanings it has. When you love your neighbor, I'm guessing you're not making love to your neighbor. If you are, man, fucking sweet neighborhood you got, maybe you're in a cult. Sounds like a pretty cool place to live. The love you feel for your kid, probably different than the love you feel for your grandma or mom or wife or boyfriend, etc. And the type of love we have

for the people in our lives might be expressed and even felt differently by members of different cultures. Eris places, and love is't the only word with multiple meanings. I mean, the other meanings of words, and even the meanings of phrases will change a lot over time. Take, for example, the phrase, stroking soft cock of shame. You know, that phrase, like a year ago, to most people probably came across as pretty offensive,

you know, slanderous to those suffering from impotence. But now, when you say it in a shitty Russian accent, said through a somehow harmless cartoon version of a real life Ukrainian serial killer, you'll stuck in soft-cogal shame. Well, it's talk, I talk it. It's how it's bothered anyone. The now it's just become one of the many ways

we, time-stuckers, greet each other in public, which is not weird at all. But you get the idea. Hard to translate an old book for a variety of reasons. And when the Bible is translated from Latin English, it's safe to say that the meaning of some patch is probably began to be interpreted differently at the very least. So how did the Bible end up being written in Latin anyway? And I promise we're going to get to the lost books.

I think we just got to establish really for, especially for non-Christians and people not raised as much around Christianity like what the Bible is, because then that's how we established how it matters to have these books not get in. So yeah, so how did the Bible end up being written in Latin? Is that what people spoke during the time of Moses and the prophets and during the time of Jesus and the disciples? No, they spoke various dialects of Hebrew,

maybe a little Greek. So what the fuck? How did it end up in Latin? Who wrote the original version? And by the way, people around there, some of them spoke a lot of Greek. But specifically Jesus and disciples, probably were familiar with Greek, if they didn't speak it very well, going back further Hebrew. So how did it end up in Latin? Who wrote the original version? What language was that? Who transcribed the original words of God into Papyrus? Got that word, fuck, and locked and loaded now, don't I?

Let's look into all this, let's dig into the Bible's origin story and the origin and then exclusion of the lost books of the Bible with a time suck timeline Boots soldier were marching down a time suck timeline According to religious scholars Moses sat down to pen the first words of God into the Pentatook in 1400 BCE. And he did so while laying, contraably, inside his temp, tent, a top, a Lisa mattress. Yes, time suckers, time suckers brought to you once again by longtime supporter of the suck, Lisa. Lisa is an innovative direct to director consumer socially conscious online mattress brand

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And you can get the best deal out there on Alisa mattress right here at TimeSuck. Get $125 off and a free pillow when you go to L-E-E-S-A dot com slash TimeSuck. Link in the episode description. Do yourself a favor and get one. Okay, now back to Moses in the earliest biblical writings. Again, according to religious scholars, Moses sat down to pen the first words of God into

the Pentateuch in 1400 BCE. Now the Pentateuch is the first five books of the Bible is Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. And the word Pentateuch is formed by two Greek words, Pentate meaning five and two coast meaning balls. Wait, I can't be right. No, no, books. It means books. It's not the, it's not the five balls of the Bible. Uh, I can be translated to mean five vessels, uh, five containers, five volume book and Hebrew. The pantatook is de Torah meaning the law or instruction. However, it's not a done deal that a man named Moses

did for sure exist and did for sure write down God's word. A lot of scholars think that a different prophet named Potato Pete wrote the earliest verses of God's word. Potato Pete was a Levite who spent 20 years lost in Canaan as he gathered wisdom first passed on to him by the Nephites on behalf of the Maccabees that was intended for the Juniper Berries. And Potato Pete traveled through Jordan and Damascus in a deedus in Converse for three days in five nights and four years.

At the same time, which is hard to make sense of. Now, of course, there was never a dude named potato peat. Man, I wish there was though. How much, with that name alone, changed the entire tone of the Old Testament. And God's people followed potato peat out of Egypt. Who parted the Red Sea? Why not other than potato peat?

No, the truth is, the truth is, we're probably never in a scholar's sense, never know who actually wrote the portions of the Bible, attributed to Moses, or most of the rest of the Bible for that matter. We just don't have definitive archeological records, and in all likelihood, we won't ever have those. Outside of biblical scripture, there just isn't

any hard archeological evidence for Moses' existence. That doesn't mean he didn't exist. It just isn't out there. There isn't even an exact time frame for when the events of Exodus may have occurred if they, again, did truly occur. Scholarly conjecture spans more than half a millennium. The oldest copy of biblical text that has been found is a little bit of Leviticus that comes from the Dead Sea Scrolls and their scientists believe at least 2000 years old. Some scientists believe they could date back all the way to the 3rd century BCE.

And they're not written in Latin. They are written in Hebrew. Hebrew belongs to the Semitic language group, a family of ancient tongues in the fertile crescent that included the cadium, the dialect of Nimrod in Genesis 10. Hail Nimrod, the great giant space sask watch, Size of a galaxy with the head of a chubacabra, Who rides a black unicorn with flaming suns for eyes. The great ancient god of the sun could demand that his followers

Stomp in the skulls of cockerspanials to prove their obedience. The great god who holds all of eternal heaven In his glorious ball sack, one ball of the alpha, The other the omega, hell itself resides in Nimrod's butthole. No wait, wait, that's the Nimrod of Time-Sec. Oh, it's awkward. It's probably especially weird for the people in the hotel room next door right now. This is the biblical Nimrod we're talking about. The biblical Nimrod was a Mesopotamian king, son of Kush, the grandson of Noah. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord who began to be mighty in earth.

And he was associated in non-canonized Christian writings as being rebellious against God and associated with the Tower of Babel. Okay, so anyway, Hebrew, we have belongs to the Semitic language group that includes, like I said, Nimrods, Akkadian, also included this group is Eugartic, the language of the Canaanites and Aramek commonly used in the Persian Empire, and different Hebrew dialects introduced foreign words into the text. For example, Genesis contains some Egyptian expressions while Joshua, Judges, and Ruth include Canaanite terms. These languages, that the original tales of the Old Testament were told from person to person

during a day and age when very few people knew how to write and written languages, you know, were in their infancy and then came the Septuagint in the third century BCE. Now, this is a big deal for the Bible. This is essentially the Old Testament 1st edition, version 1.0, the OG Old Testament with bonus features. The Septuagint was a Greek translation of the 39 cannic-canicle-cannic-cannic-cull books of the Old Testament as well as some books actually written after Malachi. That was the last book of the canonized Christian Old Testament. Man, I got so tongue-tied when I tried to say it earlier. Extra books written before the New Testament, like you guys have surprised. Extra books written before the New Testament, as Jews dispersed from Israel over the years, they forgot how to read Hebrew, but could read Greek. That was the common language of the day.

Now the words of two agent mean 70 in Latin and refers to the 70 or possibly 72 Jewish scholars who supposedly worked on this translation. Modern Bible scholars have determined that the text was produced in Alexandria, Egypt and was finished during the reign of Toulami for the Delphis who reigned from 285 to 246 BCE. Ptolemy, sorry. While some contend that the Septuagint was translated for inclusion in the famous

library of Alexandria, more likely the purpose was just to furnish scriptures to Jews of the day who dispersed from Israel across the ancient world. And again, in addition to the 39 canonical books in the Old Testament, this abtool agent includes some others that are not considered inspired by God, by Jews or Protestants, but were included for historical or religious reasons. And here now we get to the apocrypha. Now Jerome, which is part of the lost books, Jerome, who lived 340 to 420 CE, was an early Bible scholar, he called these non books, it was one of the canon, the apocrypha, which means hidden writings. And these hidden writings included Judith Tobit, Baruch, Srirach, or Ecclesiasticus,

the wisdom of Solomon, Macabees, first and second, the two books of Ezra's, the books of Esther, additional verses to the book of Daniel, and the prayer of the Minesa. Now more on these type of books and some stories from them a little bit later. So while we'll soon see that after the time of Jesus' death, a variety of new testaments, type books were floating around, but only some made the final cut, there were also a variety of old Testament type books floating around that made the cut into that book as well. So this kind of picking the right books happened at twice essentially, when the Old Testament was canonized

and then when the New Testament was. Modern Judaism recognizes the 24 books of the Mesoretic text commonly called the Hebrew Bible as a Thord of, a Thordative, Modern Scholarship suggests that the most recently written of these books is of Jonah Lamentations in Daniel all of which have been composed as late as the second century BCE There's no scholarly consensus as to when the Hebrew Bible canon was fixed some scholars argue that was fixed by the Hasmonean dynasty 140 to 40 BCE while others argue is not fixed until the second century CE or even later

the Catholic pontifical biblical Commission says the formation of the most restricted Hebrew canon is as later than the formation of the new testament So a lot of these things have been passed around for a long time So and how fascinating is this like when when people get really dogmatic about their version of their Judeo Christian faith I just always have to agree to disagree I mean, I was never cut out to be a literalist when it came to theological interpretation. And just because of what we're learning here today,

like I just don't understand how some people can think that their version of Christianity is the only one that can be right. And as without a doubt, the undisputed word of a Christian God, when the teachings of modern Christianity are historically proven to be an incomplete collection of early Christian teachings added to an existing incomplete collection of ancient Jewish teachings. I mean, I get believing in the gist of the theological themes and devoting yourself to the overall teachings and

the big picture stuff. I get devoting yourself to the main themes of the Gospels, for example, but I don't get it when people single out one verse or just a few verses and go off on some group, you know, use that for justification, you know, like we learned last week with the Westboro Baptist Church, because, you know, that verse could have easily just not been included, you know, and it's, or it could have been possibly, you know, mistranslated a little bit. I mean, even as a kid, I would think about that, like, what if it didn't, you know, come across correctly, and one of the translations, you know, what if it was, from a section that barely made the final cut, what if some other book that was supposed to be included in the final cut

But didn't refuted the point that you think is so important. This is why religion is so damn hard man You know, it just doesn't have to to make sense and often from from a logic standpoint. It just it doesn't make sense Logically very confusing because this is not basic logic. It's based on a lot of old stories that if you don't look at them from a place of Being a member of the faithful. They often don't make a lot of sense. But don't let me dissuade you from your spiritual beliefs. That is not my intent right now. Possessing free will, man at the end of the day, we get to believe what we want to believe, whether it makes sense or not, and whether those around us like it or not.

And it's your right to believe that God makes sure that the correct version of His words, that His messages make it through from one addition to the next. I know that's a common way of thinking about this. And that's, who the fuck am I to critique that? I guess it's not only the frustrating part of religion is the beautiful part. No one gets to take your belief away from you. Not historians, not me.

As long as it adheres to the basic societal laws of don't kill, don't rape, don't steal, the government's not gonna try and stop you. So, at least our government. So anyway, I don't know. I government's not gonna try and stop you. At least our government. Anyway, I don't know. I'll stop trying to make scientific logical sense of all this for the moment. I gotta stand topic. Stay focused, comments.

Stay focused. The point I'm just trying to make is that early Christians didn't have an agreed upon Bible. And also that early Jews did not have an agreed upon Hebrew Bible. There were a lot of different Jewish tales being told, written, and then later a lot of Christian tales coming directly out of the Jewish faith also being told and written. And some made the mainstream cut that have lasted until today, and some did not. Now back to the Septuagint, that OG 3rd century Greek Old Testament, and 3rd century BCE.

By the first century CE, the time of Jesus Christ, Septuagint was in widespread use throughout Israel and was read in synagogues. The Septuagint is quoted 340 times in the New Testament against only 33 quotations from the traditional Hebrew Old Testament. The Apostle Paul's language and style were influenced by the Septuagint. Other Apostles quoted from it in their New Testament writings. The Order of Books in Modern Bibles is based on the Order in the Septuagint. The Septuagint was adopted as the Old Testament biblical basis of the early Christian church,

which led to criticism of the new faith by Orthodox Jews. They claimed variations from the original Hebrew sources in the text, such as Isaiah 714, which led to faulty doctrine. In that argued passage, the Hebrew text translates to young woman referring to Mary, Jesus' mother, while the Septuagint translates to a virgin, giving birth to the Savior. Today, only 20 papyrus, fucking nailed it again. Text of the Septuagint exists, the Dead Sea Scrolls discovered 1947 contained portions of

Old Testament books in Hebrew. When those Hebrew documents were compared to the Septuagint, the variances were found to be minor, such as drop letters, words, or grammatical errors. In modern Bible translations, such as the new international version and the English standard version, scholars primarily use the ancient Hebrew texts that were used by those ancient scholars as a source for the Septuagint, turning to the Septuagint itself only in the case of difficult or obscure passages. Okay, so now that we've given an overview to the evolution of the early formation of

Jewish and Christian writings, which is basically, we don't know for sure who wrote it, or even exactly when they wrote it, we just know that someone wrote it and that various people believed in those various writings. Well, when and who decided which ancient Judeo-Christian teachings were to be included in the Christian version of the Old Testament? Now, we have a late, late second century CE. Early Christian bishop, Malito of Sardis, and

modern Turkey, was pressed by a friend to obtain an accurate statement of the ancient books as regards their number and their order. And Malito did, and as a result, gave a now famous list of the Old Testament books, except for its lack of Esther. This list matches today's Jewish and Protestant Old Testament. Malito was one of a growing community of early Christians, conditions in the Roman Empire, facilitated the spread of new ideas. The Empire is well-defined network of roads and waterways allowed easier travel.

And there was also a long kind of a period of relative peace and minimal expansion experienced by the Roman Empire at this time. So it made it safe to travel from one region to another. So while the Romans crucified Christ, they also ironically allowed Christianity to spread better than any culture would have been able to do. The Roman government had encouraged inhabitants, especially those in urban areas to learn Greek, the common language allowed ideas

to be more easily expressed and understood, and at least some of Jesus' apostles could speak Greek, and they gained converts in Jewish communities around the Mediterranean Sea, and over 40 Christian communities had been established by a hundred CE. And what church was Milito, a bishop? Well, no national or international church organized

in the sense in which we think of churches today. The early Christian church was a very loosely organized place resulting in very diverse early interpretations of Christian beliefs. And part to ensure greater consistency in their teachings by the end of the second century Christian communities had evolved to a more structured hierarchy with the central bishop having authority over the clergy in a city leading to the development of the metropolitan bishop the organization of the church began to mimic that of the Roman Empire.

Bishop's and politically important cities exerted greater authority over bishops in nearby cities that were smaller The churches in Antioch Alexandria Rome held the highest positions beginning in the second century bishops often congregated in regional synods To resolve doctrinal and policy issues by the third century The bishop of Rome began to act as a court of appeals for problems that other bishops could not resolve and Obviously the position of Roman bishop would it would evolve into the position of Pope very shortly. Beginning in the second century CE, two major schools of early Christian thought emerged, and this directly relates to the lost books of the Bible, because the group that lost out, that's where they were more into those lost books than the group that won out. It's the proto-orthodox school of thought versus the school of noxicism. And only one of these schools, yeah, is going to end up

canonizing the New Testament and shaping modern mainstream Christianity. Now, the proto-orthodox school of thought emerged among early church bishops and leaders, such as Ignatius of Antioch. The proto-orthodox Christianity bequeathed to subsequent generations, four gospels to tell us virtually everything we need to know about life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Paul, they're really into the four gospels. Handed down to us the entire New Testament, 27 books. The proto-orthodox believed that Christ was both divine, as well as the human being, not two halves joined together. Likewise, they regarded God as three persons, the Father, the son, the Holy Spirit, but only one God.

All together, martyrdom played a major role in proto-orthodox Christianity. This would lead to all of the saints of the Catholic Church. Another facet of the proto-orthodox faith was structure, bishops, then later priests, cardinals, Pope, and so forth. The proto-orthodox faith tended to affirm and develop devotional and confessional traditions, like confessing to priests and all that. The proto-orthodox believers would form the Catholic Church, would canonize the writings of some early Christians into the New Testament that most Christians read today. The early Christian Catholic Church that Protestantism would later morph out of was based on this school of thought,

more on that just a bit. And then there were the Nostics. All right, Nosticism is a general term and come between many different forms of alternative thought in the early Christian world And it's this group that is central to today's tale of the lost books of the Bible They were these were the people that also consider themselves Christians in the early centuries of Christianity But they had radically different beliefs than the overwhelming majority of today's Christians You know, they were a little more open to some radical thoughts on spirituality than worthy pro orthodox Christians So let's talk about them all right Nostics did not call themselves Nostics. There were many variations of what we now consider to be Nosticism.

They called themselves, I'm guessing, stuff like Hezekiah, Jezebel, Herodicists, or whatever weird names, you know, they were fucking thrown around at the time. But seriously, it was a diverse group. Think about all the various denominations to Christianity today. All right, and then think about a little splinter groups,. Think about all the various denominations to Christianity today, all right? And then think about a little splinter groups, little subset shooting out from those denominations. I've been to a couple of non-denominational churches in my day.

I've even attended some sermons that didn't, you know, were given by people who didn't consider themselves to be part of a church at all. They were part of a fellowship, right? Even loosely more structured. I went to, you know, meet up in somebody's house. They felt that the word of God didn't need any earthly spiritual leadership. Well, in the early days, things were in a way even more fracture than that.

If there's one thing the Christians have always agreed upon, it's how they should always disagree about the Bible. And in the early days, not only would they disagree over biblical interpretation, they disagreed on what the Bible should just even say it all. So back to the Nostics, although Nostic beliefs vary to good deal, we can sum up a few essential points on which basically they all agreed. One is that the material world is bad, and the spirit world is good. The material world is under the control of evil, ignorance, or nothingness.

Two, a divine spark is somehow trapped in some, but not all humans, and it alone, of all that exists in this material world world is capable of redemption. Three, salvation is through secret knowledge by which individuals come to know themselves, their origin, and destiny. It feels a little cultish when you start throwing this. Four, since a good God could not have created an evil world, it must have been created by an inferior, ignorant, or evil God. This works out to get real different. Usually the explanation given is that the true good God created or emanated beings, these

archons, who either emanated other archons, or conjugated to produce them under a mishap by Sophia, like this, some kind of goddess of wisdom led to the creation of this evil archon who created our world and it pretends to be God. And I'm probably mispronouncing, it's probably Arcon. And five, God is a big white dude with long hair and a beard, and the sun is younger, white dude, with long hair and a beard. And if anyone ever says, actually God and Jesus probably should look Middle Eastern since that's where people first saw them. And it would be super weird for a Middle Eastern guy 2000 years ago to look like Jim Cavizel or you and the Gregor. You know, and they're like, ah, buddy, ah, ah, you don't know God. Of course, I made up the fifth thing.

I just always found it funny when I was a kid to see pictures in church of like a Western European looking Jesus. When Jesus, I'm sure looked like a guy that many white American Christians would have been nervous to get on a plane with back around 2002. But anyway, Nostics believed in some pretty radical stuff. Not a lot of ideas I'm familiar with. A lot of the Nostics believed that there is much more of a hierarchy to the spiritual world

than what modern Christians believed in. And so we have this proto-orthodox Christians, the Nostocritians, many of whom also identifying the early centuries being Jewish. They believe that Jesus was Messiah, promised to come save the Jewish people over and over in the Old Testament. And almost all these people are living within over and over in the Old Testament,

and almost all these people are living within the vast realm of the Roman Empire, which during the second century CE stretched to Britain and the West and beyond the black sea to the east and encompassed much of the Middle East, including all of the Holy Land around Jerusalem, covered much in northern Africa, including the populated areas around the Nile and northern Egypt. And the Roman Empire was not at that time even close to being a Christian nation. It was largely a polytheistic nation, you know, with citizens encouraged and sometimes even commanded, to make sacrifices, to appease the various Roman gods of Jupiter, Mars, Apollo, Neptune,

Minerva, Wendy, and more. Hadrian commands that we pay tribute to Mars, Jupiter, and also Wendy, the great god of quickly prepared but still pretty tasty and inexpensive nourishment. Of course, there was no Wendy, but the others are real. And early Romans began to fear that early Christians were going to bring down the Roman Empire by pissing off their gods, by not paying tribute to them because of Christianity's opposition to idolatry. So by the third century, you know, CE, Christians were being persecuted on a regular basis by the Romans, starting around 250 CE, Emperor Empire-wide persecution took place by a decree of the Emperor DCS. The edict was enforced for 18 months during which times some Christians were killed, others were apostasized, which is when they reject the teachings of Christ to escape execution,

to spy at persecution, Christian numbers continued to grow, and spread within the Roman Empire until eventually a Roman Emperor identified as being Christian. And this one Christianity got a huge boost, this was fucking huge. Three-twelf early Christianity got the big boost when Emperor Constantine took the throne of the Western Roman Empire and issued the edict of Milan, a new law that banned religious persecution. But because of what I spoke about earlier, the Nostek beliefs during Constantine's reign approximately half of those who identified themselves as Christian did not subscribe to the mainstream version of the faith practiced by the emperor. As you time suckers know, whatever the ruler of the ancient kingdom believed, well that

was what his followers needed to also believe. Constantine feared that this unity would displease God and lead to trouble for his empire, so he took military and judicial measures to eliminate some sex. To resolve other disputes, Constantine began the practice of calling ecumenical councils to determine binding interpretations of church doctrine. And these initial meetings would lead to a big meeting that would determine which books and which forms of books would be canonized in the Christian Bible. I'm talking about the Council of Nicaea. All right, the Council of Nicaea took place in 325 CE, 12 years before Constantine's death, and Constantine would preside over its initial sessions. The goal of the council was to get everyone to agree on a unified Christian doctrine moving

forward. One major point early Christians disagreed on was the question of Christ Divinity. Was Jesus divine, and how? Was he literally the son of God, or just a good dude who figured some shit out? Did he have a pet dog or not? If he did, was that dog's name Bojangles? Did Bojangles have two eyes or one? three legs or four, two balls or six. Did Bojangles speak Greek, Hebrew, or communicate exclusively through Michael Motherfucka McDonald

lyrics. Maybe it's not too much to think about. Maybe there's nothing left to say. Maybe I'll stop now. Anywho, back to the real world. In the summer of 325 CE, 318 bishops from across Roman Empire were invited to the Turkish town of Nicaea, where Constantine had a vacation house,

probably not a hot tub though, in an attempt to find, actually maybe did, Romans had some fucking crazy shit, yet an old version of a hot tub, I'm sure actually. In an attempt to find common ground and what historians now refer to as the Aryan controversy, so first ever worldwide gathering of the Christian church, Well, Jesus was as eternally divine as the father said one camp led by the Archbishop Alexander of Alexandria,

another group named the Aryans, after their leader, Aries the preacher, saw Jesus as a remarkable leader, but inferior to the father and lacking an absolute divinity. Pot man, pot god, but holy neither. Well, compromised, proffered by Constantine was vague,

but you know, blandly pleasing. Jesus and God were of the same substance he suggested, without devolving too much into the nature of that relationship. A majority of the bishops agreed on the compromise and voted to pass that language into doctrine, and their statement of compromise, which would come to be known as the 19 creed, formed the basis for modern Christian ideology. The bishops all see the council of Nicolaia to set in stone some church rules needed clarification. And those canons were the reference point after which all future laws were modeled.

As a final order of business, the bishops decided upon a date for the holiest of Christian celebrations, Easter, which was being observed at different times around the empire. Now Easter, as we all know, is when the Jesus rabbit lays God eggs containing candy and or money for children to find and not appreciate and or understand what their parents have done for them on that day. No, Easter is the Christian celebration of the resurrection of Jesus three days after

having died in the cross. Now previously, linked with the timing of Jewish Passover, Passover, the council settled on a movable day that would never coincide again with the Jewish holiday. It was the first Sunday after the first full moon on or after the Vernil Equinox. Now contrary to popular belief, this council had nothing to do with selecting which verses and gospels which would be included in the Bible.

Bishops did not burn books, they deemed heretical during this council either, historians say. Well, after the council decision, everyone agreed and shit was really theological study for several centuries. Yeah, right. No, people still bickered about how to define Jesus, of course he did. They're still arguing today. And then in 380 CE mainstream Christianity as opposed to Arianism became the official religion

of the Roman Empire, dealing a further blow to the Nostics and their now lost books. And then the Catholic Church finally agreed on which writing should go into the Bible and which should be left out almost 60 years after the Council of Niciah at the Council of Rome, in 382 CE during the time of Pope Damascus. Now all the important missions with all the big early Christian churches met in Rome and decided which books to keep. And the written conclusion of their meeting, which greatly further shaped the future of the Catholic Church and the rest of Christianity

as well has survived to this day. And here's what it said. Likewise it has been said, now indeed we must slay the dragon of Heresy. For dragons have destroyed many kingdoms, but the kingdom of Christ will not perish under the flames of blasphemy. Neither orc nor the necromancer led undead should march from hell to find a divided theology, rather and so forth. The sword of Abraham shall pass through the blood of Noah, and the

sweat of Mary shall put out the great fire of the foreheaded beast that fronth seven seals and who still thinks henceforth that this is real. Who thinks that the Bible was based in Dragon and Orc talk? Who is still believing the word of Covence, the prophet of Nimrod, the master of lies, the master of Poppots Metallica, is he even just a basic stream of consciousness speak at this, okay, that was horseshit, obviously, they didn't say that. Here's what they did say. Here's what they did say. Likewise, it has been said.

Now, indeed, we must treat the divine scriptures. What the universal Catholic church accepts and what she ought to shun. The order of the Old Testament begins here. Genesis, one book, Exodus, one book, Leviticus, one book, numbers, one book, Deuteronomy, one book, Joshua, one book, judges, one book, Ruth, one book, Exodus, One book, Leviticus, One book, Numbers, One book, Deuteronomy, One book, Joshua, One book, Judges, One book, Ruth, One book, Kings, Four books, Chronicles, Two book, Psalms, One book, Solomon, Three books, Proverbs, One book, Ecclesiastically, One book, Canticle of Canticle, One book, Likewise Wisdom, One book, Ecclesiastically, Srirach, One book, Likewise the Order of the Prophet, Isaiah, One book, Jeremiah, One book, With Kenos, That is, With his lamentations, Is he kill One book, a clicky ass to keep Srirach one book. Likewise, the order of the Prophet's Isaiah one book, Jeremiah one book, with Kenos, that is with his lamentations, is he kill one book, Daniel one book, or see one book, Mikaes one book, Joel one book, Abdeus one book, Jonas one book, I think fucking he keeps going, he gets to all the books. Likewise, the order of the writings of the new and internal testament, which were only the holy and Catholic

church supports of the gospels, according to Matthew 1 book, according to Mark 1 book, according to Luke 1 book, according to John 1 book. The epistles of Paul the Apostle, and number 14, to the Romans 1, to the Corinthians 2, to the Ephesians 1, to the Thessalonians 1, and he goes through all those. Likewise, the Apocalypse of John 1 book, the Acts of Apostles 1 book, like the Canon of Epistles, and number. And then he goes on and on and on until he wraps up with the Apostle one epistle. And by that time, everyone listening was fast asleep. Sorry, that long list was making me sleep, I had to cut through it. I felt like I was back in church as a kid again. Once I go into this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, my brain's like, and then I'm sleeping, and I'm not paying attention, and I'm tuned out. Okay, so those are ones that and then this happened, my brain's like, and then I'm sleeping, and I'm not paying attention, and I'm tuned out.

Okay, so those are ones that got in. All right, there's a bunch of ones that got in. The ones that made the final cuts. And then this canon of Christian literature is the same canon used by the Catholic Church today. And then Damascus encouraged Saint Jerome a fourth century Theologian and historian to translate the scriptures into Latin,

since Latin was the common language of all educated people at time, and this translation will become the primary basis for what is known as the Vulgate. Now, the Vulgate is, sorry, the Vulgate, the most significant Latin Bible in the history of Christianity. And possibly really the most significant Bible, you know, it's right there with like King James and the Vulgate, because a slightly revised version of the original Vulgate, the new Vulgate, is a typical Latin edition of scriptures still used today in Latin churches.

So almost to the last books now I promise. Let's hop out of this timeline to summarize which books made into the Protestant Bible so that we can then jump onto some interesting tales from those lost books. I'm weird shit in there. Good job, soldier. You've made it back. Barely. Okay, so now we know how the modern Catholic Bible got here.

Now is that the same Bible the Protestants used? No. Here's a quick explanation of the differences. The Protestant Bible of which the NIV is one version is seven books shorter than the Bible used by Roman Catholics, but Protestants didn't just take out books. They used a different standard of what should be in the Bible. The Hebrew Bible has 24 books. This list can, thought to be, you know,

by many, to be affirmed with the Council of Gemini in the AD 90 and in 118. The Protestant Old Testament includes exactly the same information, but organized into 39 books. For example, the Hebrew book has one book of Samuel, while the Protestant Bible has one and two Samuel. Same book divided into two parts. In addition to these 39 books, the Catholic Old Testament includes Tobit, Judith, Wisdom of Solomon, ecclesiasticus, Baruch, excuse me, including the letters of Jeremiah, one in two Maccabees, in addition to Daniel and to Esther. Now these books were included in the Septuagint.

We spoke about, for a while before, that Greek translation of a different older Hebrew canon, early church fathers who relied on the Septuagint, they could re-Greek but not Hebrew, sometimes quoted these extra books as scripture. Now the status of the books continued to be debated throughout the middle of Middle Ages. Now in the 16th century, at the time of the Protestant Reformation, Protestants decided that because the additional books weren't in the Hebrew Bible, they shouldn't be in the Christian Bible either, though they actually were included in early editions of the King James Bible.

Catholics at the Council of Trent decided to keep the Deuteron canonical books incidentally Protestants and Catholics used the same New Testament, the content of which was defined by Athenias in 367. Yet confused? Yeah, fucking me too. This has been one of the hardest episodes to research, because it is so fucking unbelievably convoluted, the history of all this, like preposterously so. Like there's been so much disagreement and the church has been so fractured and is so many different little places over the years

and everybody has their own councils and their own meetings and we want these in so you can see that councils and their own meetings and we want these in so you can see that it is pretty confusing. But there's been this main group of books that make it into most of the Bibles essentially. But then there's the lost books and then there's the ones not practiced by any mainstream religion today, including some lost gospels. Now Jesus is usually thought to have died around 30 CE. Christians probably began to produce writing shortly afterwards, although the earliest surviving writings, letters of Paul, were not made for another 20 years or so. Around 50, 60 CE. Soon, the floodgates opened, however, in Christians of varying theological and ecclesiastical persuasion wrote all kinds of books. Gospels recounting the words, deeds, and activities of Jesus,

counsel the miraculous lives and teachings of early Christian leaders, acts of the apostles, personal letters, epistles, two and from the Christian leaders and communities, prophetic revelations from God, concerning how the world came to be or how it was going to end revelations or apocalypses, so on. Some of these writings may have well been produced by the original apostles of Jesus, possibly. And in many of the books and letters and teachings not canonized in either the new or old testaments were lost for centuries, until they turned up in modern times in archeological discoveries or in systematic searches throughout the monasteries and libraries

of the Middle Eastern Europe. A lot of these lost books were found in Egypt 1945. 13 leather-bound vellum cortices buried in a sealed jar, how cool to be to find this. We're found by a local farmer named Muhammad Al-Samans near the upper Egyptian town of Naghamadi. Now, this immensely important discovery includes a large number of primary-nostic gospels,

text one thought to have been entirely destroyed during the early Christian struggle to define orthodoxy, scripture such as the gospel of Thomas, gospel of Philip, gospel of truth, and the discovery and translation of this fine, which is called the Nagamadi Library, initially completed in the 1970s, has provided impetus to a major re-evaluation of early Christian history and the nature of Nazism. So one of these books is the Coptic Gospel of Thomas. Now this is one of the most sensational archaeological discoveries. This is one of the last books, you guys wanted,

for this episode. Coptic refers to the language of the cops, by the way, the final stage of the ancient Egyptian language in which the last books found at Nakamadi were written. Now the Gospel of Thomas is the collection of Jesus' sains that claimed to have been written by Didymus Judas Thomas, according to some early Christian legends, Thomas was Jesus's twin brother.

That's just according to, there's other, you know, possibilities of who this guy was. The book records 114, quote unquote, secret teachings of Jesus. It includes no other material, no miracles, no passion narrative, no stories of any kind. What ultimately mattered for the author of Thomas was not Jesus's death and resurrection, which he does not narrate or discuss, but the mysterious teachings that he delivered. Now, here's a few of these sayings. One is Jesus says, the person old in his days will not hesitate to ask a child seven days old about the place of life and he will live.

For many who are first will become lasts and they will become a single one. And that is similar to some teachings that made it into the canonized version of testament. Also interesting. Again, this is why literalism doesn't work for me. Like if you interpret this literally, it's like, what? I'm supposed to literally ask a seven, seven, seven, uh, dailed, seven, seven, seven dailed baby. I'm so to ask how life works.

Pretty sure seven, seven dailed babies are only capable of answering via a crime, a pissing, vomiting, uh, and shitting shitting. Is that the secret of life? Nimrod demanding puppies, being stomped, makes more sense than that. Here's another one. Jesus says, blessed is the lion that a person will eat, and the lion will become human. And Anenematha is the person whom a lion will eat, and the lion will become human. What? So blessed is some lion who eats them dude and then becomes that dude. An

Ananamatha, ananathama, which is something or someone that one vehemently dislikes, is the dude who a lion will eat and then become that dude. So the lion is blessed for the eating of the dude and the person being eaten by the lion is despised. What the fuck? Who do you, he does, he cares about people, think about him. Does he care that he's despised? He just got eaten by a lion. He's super dead.

I gotta say, researching this episode it reminds me of going to church as a kid. I just constantly find myself thinking, what in the hell are they talking about? Am I missing a soul? Do you have to have a soul for this stuff to make sense? A 90's don't have one? I mean, the golden rule I get, some of them I get,

but the line one, what? Okay, here's another one from this book. Jesus says, I have cast fire upon the world and see I am guarding it until it places. Now this one makes, Jesus sounds like a Pyramaniac psychopath. I just set the world on fire, and now I'm gonna watch it burn. Actually, I joke around but this one actually does kind of make sense to me. I believe he's saying that he just changed the game, right? He burned down the old way, Judaism, and he's made way for the new

Christianity. Oh, shit. Have I put in too many hours in this week's episode? Am I, is it starting to make sense to me now? Am I joining? What's going on here? One more. Jesus says, I will give you what no eye has seen and what no ear has heard and what no hand has touched and what has not occurred to the human mind. Now he's sounding pretty cool. Now he's sounding like a hip-hop hype man, like a fucking cool drug dealer in the movie. Man, you ready for this new shit? I got the dope is shit, man. I got the brand new never before scene shit. No one's touched it. No one's looked at it. Never been as someone's mind until right now. I'm excited for that. Okay, so another book. Another book that was found in Nagamadi, The Gospel of Philip, which some believe states that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. Now this is one

that's very controversial. Here's a translation of that verse that some people think points out. It says, there were three who always walked with the Lord. Mary, his mother, and her sister, and Magdalene, the one who was called his companion. And that's the big word of dispute. His sister and his mother and his companion were each a Mary. Which is kind of funny that day. However, the original word that means companion does not necessarily mean a romantic companion. So this is where we get into that trouble with language, like we were talking about with Love earlier, the same word meaning different things.

It could have meant romantic companion, but it also very easily could have not meant that. Still, scandalous enough to not get included, the church was like, we're not letting people think that he might have been married. No, no, no, no, no, no, that kind of ruined his priest thing for us. Then here, okay, here's where Sharti got real weird.

This one, this is where the shit starts to get really crazy and interesting. There's the inf weird. This one, this is where shit starts to get really crazy and interesting. There's the infancy gospel of Thomas, which accounts for Jesus' childhood. Now, in the New Testament, gospel is only a couple incidents prior to his baptism or talked about.

The narratives of his birth and infancy and Matthew and Luke. And only in Luke is pilgrimage to Jerusalem. The temple is a 12 year old. But in the infancy gospel of Thomas, written by Thomas, he Israelites thought to be by some, but in the infancy gospel of Thomas, written by Thomas the Israelites, thought to be by some, to be Judas Thomas, Jesus' brother, the gospel tells tales of Jesus as young as five, and he wasn't always a good kid. Check out this story. This little child Jesus, when he was five years old, was playing at the foot of a brook, and he gathered together the waters

that flowed there into pools and made them straightway clean, and commanded them by his word alone, and having made soft clay, he fashioned thereof 12 sparrows, and it was the Sabbath when he did these things or made them, and there were also many other little children playing with him. After that again, he went through the village and a child ran and dashed against his shoulder, and Jesus was provoked and said into him, thou shall not finish thy course, as as in go all the way, and he immediately fell down and died. But certain when they saw what was done said, whence was this young child born,

for that every word of his is an accomplished work, and the parents of him that was dead came unto Joseph and blamed him, saying, thou that such a child canst not dwell with us in the village, or do thou teach him to bless and not to curse for he slayeth our children. And Joseph said, and Joseph called the young child apart and it managed him saying, wherefore does this thou such things that these suffer and hate us and persecute us. But Jesus said, I know that these thy words are not thine, nevertheless, for thy sake, I will hold my peace,

but they, but they shall bear this punishment, and straight away, they that accused him, were smitten with blindness, and they that sought, were sore, afraid, and perplexed, and said, concerning him, that every word which he spake, whether it were good or bad, was a deed, and became a marvel, and when they saw that Jesus had done so, Joseph arose and took hold upon his ear and rung at sore. And the young child was wrothed and said unto him, it suffices the to seek and not to find. And verily thou hast done unwisely, thou hast noest, not what the f- not that I am thine. I swear I got got him not adding these letters. Vex me not. Ooh, man.

Too many thousand dies, Jesus. Seems a little nuts. He seems a little nuts, man. Killed a kid for mumping into him, right? And then when the kid's parents are like, Hey man, we don't appreciate it. You just killed, or they go to his dad. Joe's over there like,

Hey, we don't like your kid killed or killed. And then Jesus blinds him. And then his dad rings him by the year for blinding the neighbors. Not surprised that book didn't make it into the final collection. That one, it just, he just seems like a fucking maniac psychopath.

What is happening? Not surprised that one didn't make it into the final collection. If I knew that Kyler Murrow could just use their mind to blind people or just kill somebody with a word. Guess who's never getting in trouble again? My wife Lindsey could be like, Kyler killed both the dogs that you have to talk to him. You have to do something.

Yeah, we have to bury those dogs is what we have to do. Sucks man, dogs clearly did something to bring this on. I'm not getting after him. You have to say something. I'll say something. I'll say, what would you like for dinner tonight, buddy? Ice cream with more ice cream for dessert. Come and, come and write up.

Thanks for not taking my site today. Thanks for not killing me with the word. If you want to stand up to that little devil wizard, you fucking, you go get it, they're Lindsey. Even crazier in this book is the Virgin Mary. Burning a lady's hand clean off with her vagina. I'm not kidding. Yep. A good old fashioned vagina fire lit up a few verses of this book. After Mary goes into

labor to the birth of God, you know, son of God himself, Joseph finds her a midwife. However, the midwife proves, proves redundant. Little Jesus is born via a bright cloud and a flash of light. He shows up in Mary's arms, you know, meaning that he never travels down the birth canal. Well, the midwife then leaves and tells another woman named Salome about the crazy shit she just watched. Salome is skeptical. Yeah, I bet. Being a reasonable woman, she wants to test the immaculativeness of Jesus' birth by trying to stick a finger into Mary's baby hole. And Mary does not fight the virginity inspection and immediately positions herself so that Salome can inspect her, Salome enters Mary's vagina with her fingers and then she cries out,

woe for my lawlessness and the unbelief that made me test that living God, look, my hand is falling away from me and being consumed in fire. What the fuck? Her hand catches on fire and falls off because she touched Mary's Vajay. She just found out the hard way. You don't fuck around with God's mom's Vajana. However, since she was just trying to make sure Mary wasn't trying to trick everyone into believing into a false God, the real God takes pity on Salome

and an angel shows up and tells Salome to touch baby Jesus so she can get a brand new hand. All right? Okay, so that happens. Then there's another, there's so many of these books. There's many, many of these books. Lost books. There's the second treaty of the great Seth, seriously that happens. Then there's so many of these books, there's many, many of these books, lost books, there's the second treaty of the great Seth, seriously Seth.

It's not one of my weird names I'm throwing in there. It doesn't have the biblical ring that the name's Luke and Paul do to me, right? And now we shall meet Seth. I don't know, just doesn't feel biblical anyway. The author is unknown, and the Seth reference in the title appears, no one in the text. And Seth is not to reference a third son of Adam and Eve, to whom Noces was first revealed

according to some Nostics. K-Nable and the great Seth, the Nostic. If I can why not? The author appears too long to a group of Nostics who maintain that Jesus Christ was not crucified on the cross. There was this belief by some. Instead the text says that Simon of Syrene, the man compelled by the Romans to carry the cross of Jesus, as Jesus would taken to his crucifixion,

was mistaken for Jesus, and then crucified in his place. And then Jesus is described as standing by and quote laughing at their ignorance. What the, that makes Jesus a huge asshole. Ha ha, Romans, you missed me. You think that you have me nailed to that cross, left out slowly to die of exposure and great pain over the course of a few days, just a measurable agony.

But jokes on you, jokes on you, some other dude who meant me no harm is suffering immensely right now instead. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! How funny is that? You think Simon is me? Well fuck you and fuck Simon. Yeah. Not surprised that one didn't make the final canonization.

Then there's some super wacky lost book, The Acts of John. A collection of narratives and traditions described to John the Apostle, considered so heretical by the early church that after the second council of NYSE, an AD 70 or CE 787, excuse me, another meeting of theological minds. Most of the existing copies of this book were burned and destroyed. They're like, we have to get rid of this thing completely. And check out a story from this book. John is traveling around to spread the gospel as far as why does he can. He's had an ancient Roman Rhodes. He's a mass decent following. The group he's traveling with then comes to an abandoned inn. And they decide to rest for the night, which would be great if this inn's bed wasn't infested

with bedbugs. That would suck. As a traveler, that would terribly suck. How do the apostles know that there are bedbugs? Because John talks to them. He talks directly to the bugs. He says, I say unto you, oh bugs, behave yourselves, one in all, and leave your abode for this night and remain quiet in one place and keep your distance from the servants of God. Do you hear what I'm saying? He's telling the bugs to get off the bed, go hide somewhere and just fucking chill out for a while. Behave yourselves. Bed bugs don't bite us to be dicks. They're parasites. Biting big mammals is how they stay alive. It's how they feed. I love his ears. He has a st-stopping

dicks bugs. Just leave your- your your a bod go starve in the corner. Well, the next morning when the group wakes up, they see a brigade of bed bugs standing patiently outside the door of the in just waiting and then John says, since you have well behaved yourselves in hawking to my rebuke, come into your place, you've been very good bugs. Thank you for starving in the hallway. I greatly appreciate it.

Get on and go back, go on in there. Yeah, he invites the bed bugs back into the house and they immediately crawl back into the bed and disappear into the crevices. Win, win. Oh, I picture them, the little bugs waiting outside on the door just like a little pyramid of bed bugs just kind of standing on each other's shoulders.

So yeah, I can't, I gotta say I can't blame the church for burdening that. We're like, we need fucking people to take our seriously. We cannot, we cannot have our, our bishop. We cannot have our priests, you know, talking, talking, trying to explain how this is a really important thing that God wants us to know about. This weird, get the bed bugs to go wait in the hall story. And then she gets even weirder. She gets even weirder in another lost book, the acts of Peter.

Okay, in this book, Peter, Peter has a bizarre grudge against a Jewish magician named Simon. Fucking Simon, the Jewish magician. He doesn't like this magician. And he tries to show him up and kind of a sort of wizard duel, which you guys know I like. It's a wizard duel.

Simon, according to Peter, was leading people his tray in Sillian God's name. And in Peter's head, the whole Simon thing could be solved with a few miracles. Miracle one, give a dog the voice of man to send this copper field want to be a warning. This is what it says. And Peter, seeing a great dog bound with a strong chain,

went to him and lost him. And when he was loose, the dog received a man's voice and said unto Peter, what thou bid me to do, thou servant of the unspeakable and living God? Well, if he's unspeakable, why are you talking, dog? And then Peter says, Peter said unto him, Go in and say unto Simon in the midst of his company, Peter saith unto thee, Come forth abroad, for thy sake am I come to Rome? Thou wicked one and deceiver of simple souls.

And immediately the dog ran and entered in and rushed into the midst of them that were with Simon and lifted up his four feet. And an allowed voice said, wait, what? This dog is not only speaking to the magician and human voice, but it's standing up on its hind legs to do so. Oh man, that would have been cool to see. And then the dog delivers Peter's message, but Simon says to the dog, say that I am not here, to which the dog replies, has thou taken thoughts so long to say at last, tell him that I am not within out ought thou not ashamed to utter

thy feeble and useless words against Peter, the minister and apostle of Christ. So now the dog is fucking shaming, throwing some shade on Simon. Simon gets shamed by a walking, shockingly eloquent dog. Eventually the dog reports back to Peter. And when the dog had said this, he fell down at the apostle, Peter's feet and gave up the ghost. What the fuck? He just dies. Why does the dog have to die in this story?

It passes on the message, it does its job, as well as it can. It even puts a little extra effort into it, even pops up on his hind legs to talk to some dude, and then it has to die at his feet. Man, Peter, you don't know how to write a good story, buddy. The death of the dog character adds nothing to the narrative other than random sadness, needless sadness. Maybe, I don't know, who, maybe the magician did something, maybe the magician did something,

put a spell on that dog. Well, after the dog dies, Peter tries out another miracle. It looks around the room. It completely overlooking the fact that the greatest dog that has ever lived is just dead right in front of him. He notices a smoked herring or sardine, depending on the translation, and the window and ask the crowd if he should resurrect it. If ye now see this swimming in the water-like fish, will ye be able to believe in him

whom I preach? He's trying to get people to believe in him, not the magician. And he steps over the dead dog, grabs the fish, throws what is undoubtedly someone's supper into the bath, it immediately starts swimming and seeing this many follow Peter and believe in the Lord. But again, horrible story construction.

No one gives a shit about a smoke starting. We find, everyone cares about the dog. If you can bring an animal back from the dead, why would you pick a fucking stupid sardine instead of the talking dog that was doing your bidding? A talking dog is worth like a billion sardine. No, a talking dog is worth more.

One talking dog greater than all sardines. But what about that magician, man? What about that wizard battle? What's going on there now? Well, the recap, Peter's given a dog a voice and resurrected a fish. Simon knows he's got to do something big. He's got to get a big trick. He's got to put a big trick out of the bag. So he does because he starts flying seriously.

He starts flying over Rome just by himself like Superman and it just fucking sorn around in the sky. Man, I'm not a big magician guy, but that's a serious trick. I would I would pay to see that magician flying all over the city. Yep, that beats the hell out of pulling a bunch of silk scarves out of a hat. Well Peter now goes back into the scripture Peter, seeing the strangers of the city, yep, that beats the hell out of pulling a bunch of silk scarves out of a hat. Well, Peter, now goes back into the scripture, Peter, seeing the strangers of the sight, cried unto the Lord Jesus Christ, if thou suffer this man, to accomplish that which he has set about. Now, will all they that have believed on thee be offended and the signs and wonders which thou hast given them, through me will not be believed, hasten thy grace, O Lord, and let him fall from the height and be disabled. And let him not die, but be brought to not and break his leg in three places.

And he fell from the height and broke his leg in three places. What the fuck? So this guy who's not on God's side, the magician, he can fly. And the guy who is on God's side, Peter, can fly. But he can beg God to break the bones of someone who else who can fly. Peter, one of Jesus' founders, the mythical first pope of the Catholic Church, has just asked God to make this man fall to the ground and have his leg broken in three places.

And because God also apparently doesn't care for his musician, he does what Peter asks. And then it gets even more nonsensically violent. No sooner has Simon fallen to ground and shattered his leg than every man cast stones at him and went to way home. Okay, so this group here, they just got excited about the starting trick. They see this guy fly around, but then they see his leg broken down,

and then they're like, yeah, let's fucking hit him with some rocks as if he's not wounded enough. So now Simon's riding around on the ground and pain, with a broken leg, he's all beat up with rocks. And then he dies and the story, a little bit later, he's havingithing around on the ground and pain with a broken leg. He's all beat up with rocks. And then he dies in this story. A little bit later, why is having his leg operated on? So instead of instead of praying for Solomon,

Devon just took a quick and painless death, hands up, put in Solomon or Simon, excuse me, Simon, through the worst physical emotional pain imaginable, and then he dies. Again, makes sense that that book was lost. Okay. Now there was another group of old lost books, besides the knock on the library. There of old lost books besides the Naukame Library. There was the lost books found in the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered. Now the two

bigs were the Naukame Library and the Dead Sea Scrolls. The big finds concerning lost books. The Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered in a series of 12 caves around the site known as the Wadi Komran, near the Dead Sea and the West Bank of the Jordan River. Between 1946 and 1947 by Bedwan, Shepherds and a team of archaeologists and the caves were a number of pots. Some of the jars were still intact. You know, these fucking shepherds go in there, lids sealed on these jars. Shepherds open the seals to reveal ancient scrolls wrapped in linen, blackened with age. The scrolls range and dates from the 3rd century BCE to the 1st century of the common era, while Hebrew is the most frequently used language in the scrolls, about 15% were written in air make and several in Greek, and those Bedouinshappers came across some seriously weird shit.

One of the main discoveries from the caves of Kormoran is a scroll given the name the Book of Giants. Now, the Book of Giants, like the Book of Enoch, another non-canonized Judeo-Christian book, concerned itself with the Nephilim, which in the Enoch version are the offspring of fallen angels, also called the watchers. The angels saw the beauty of the daughters of men. They broke their allegiance to heaven, descended to earth, married women, and had sex with them and father giants. And then the giants just start wreaking havoc on Earth. The book attempts to fill in the details about the giants

and they're offspring that the book of Enoch is lacking. There's a theory that the book of giants was actually part of the book of Enoch at one time. Well, the text relates how some giants, sons of fallen angels were compelled to dream. In these dreams, they foresaw some biblical deluge. They saw their own demise, decided to fight God. Like Enoch, like I don't know,

helps them have some kind of vision. In the vision, they see that, you know, they're gonna, the race is gonna go away, so they get pissed off about it. They decided to fight God. And then there's this crazy battle between giants and God in heaven. Angels die in this battle. The giants all die.

There's even a fight between an archangel and a sea monster known as Leviathan in this fucking battle. Eventually God wins. All the giants are destroyed, super, super crazy. And then there are other truly lost books of which no copies exist. We know about them because they're mentioned, sometimes mentioned in other lost books, or mentioned in, you know, an ancient biblical scholars like Epiphanus of Salamis, an early fourth century bishop located in Cyprus and a religious scholar. Now this dude was a strong defender of proto-orthodox beliefs and

staunchly opposed to strange, gnostic beliefs and compiled a long list of gnostic texts, he considered to be heresy and do a book called the Pinarian. And some seriously weird shit is referenced in these books. This is going to get even crazier than it's already been one This is the craziest one last book Reference by Epiphanius and in the Pinarian is called the questions of Mary It's about Mary Magdalene and here's what he says the one he's he's talking about this book He says four in the so-called greater questions of Mary. There are also lesser ones forged by them They claim that he revealed it to her after taking her aside on the mountain, praying, producing a woman from his side, beginning to have sex with her, and then part

taking of his admission, if you please, to show that thus we must do that we may live. And when Mary was alarmed and fell to the ground, he raised her up and said to her, oh, thou of little faith. Wherefore didst thou doubt? Yeah, can definitely see why this one didn't make the cut. Holy shit. In case you missed it, this book is referencing Jesus eating his own semen for real. That's what he's talking about there. And there was apparently a group of early Christian nostics that worshiped in that manner. They were known as the Borbarrites and

they were freaky as fuck. According to epiphineus, epiphine, epiphine, yes, the Borbarrites recognize each other with a sweet little secret hand shake and then immediately we start banging. And then once everyone was nice and horny, the woman in them, this is what he says, this scholar, he wrote, writes, the woman and man receive the man's emission on their own hands. And then they eat it, partaking of their own dirt. And they say, this is the body of Christ. They likewise take the unclean, menstrual blood and eat it in common. And they say, this is the blood of Christ. So that's where Rathputin got it. Remember talking about that freaking time, set 47. Remember that Russian fucking maniac?

Would tell women that his actual, that his dick was a conduit to God, and that sucking it was a spiritual event, was a way of receiving enlightenment? Yeah, I feel like you may have been familiar with some of these early Gnostic works. So, pretty crazy stuff. I think pretty easy to see why a lot of it

didn't make it into the canon. All right, go on and on with more examples of lost books, but those are some of the weirder ones, stories from them. But you get the idea, the world's most influential book, The Bible, is not a book at all. It's a collection of ancient man's attempt to first define the God of the Old Testament and then to define Jesus Christ and his teachings and the New Testament. And there was a lot of disagreement about who was the Hebrew God, and then there was a lot more disagreement about who Jesus was and what he was trying to say.

And again, not trying to shake anyone's faith, you choose to believe that the formation of the Bible was guided by God's hand, that's your right, you know, and it's a matter of faith. But what you can't argue, at least now with any evidence, is that it wasn't modified and tweaked. There was a lot of interesting books man floating around, and some of them ended up in the Bible, and some were lost. And I used two great books from my primary sources today, one is called Lost Scriptures, books that did not make it into the New Testament by Bart D. Airman and the Book of Giants, The Watchers, Nephilim, and the Book of Enoch by Joseph Lumpkin.

And the Amazon reviews of these books is where we're heading for today's fantastic idiots of the internet. It is the internet. Under one of these thoroughly informative books, a user who identifies only as Amazon customer rights one star to kick off their one star information. And their review, to kick off their one star review, excuse me, and here's what the review says, too much information.

Wow, what an ignorant piece of shit. What did you like about the companion of lost books of the Bible? Too many, there's too many of them. I wanted to learn a little bit, not a lot. I didn't want so much learning when I bought book of knowledge. Now of course this person spelled to T-W-O,

classic idiot, hating something for not being exactly what they wanted, when what they wanted didn't make any sense, right? Why did you give the new Queen's its own age album, a one star review? I didn't expect so much music on the music album. Unbelieveable. Amazon user Michael De La Vega is even dumber. This is about as dumb as you can possibly get with the book review. Michael leaves a one star review, again, with the subject of one star, you know, just so you know for sure

that he's leaving a one star review and he writes, can you cancel this order? I did not order this ebook because I don't have a Kindle. Well, for starters, dumb shit, you did order it. That's why you got it. That's how ordering things work. That's how things show up from Amazon and other online retail sellers when you order them. And even if you didn't, why the fuck would you punish the author? For their book, accidentally showing up in your computer. It's not their fault. Oh, I know, because you're complete moron.

Call Amazon and complain. Let them silently make fun of you. Leave a one star review on the Amazon app, right? About the Amazon app. Oh my god. Amazon user Lindus and Claire hates both the books she tried to read and hates Amazon as she makes it abundantly clear in her one-star review.

Subject, not good. Message, I can't understand why you have to type so many words to rate something on her. I will not rate more because of having to say so much about nothing. Well, Linda, companies force you to type something so dumb trolls like yourself don't just go off on a one star hatchet fast throughout the comment section.

You know, they do it so spandops, they coded equivalent of yourself, can't start lighting up the reviews with thousands of nonsense one star reviews. And why are you angrily telling Amazon, you won't rate anymore due to their system? Are you under the impression that they're dying for people like you?

Just to quickly and easily be able to shit all over their products? You fucking more on how do you not understand that they would love to have you never rate anything ever again? Oh yeah, because you're selfish ignorant asshole. One more. Amazon user slash small frightened illogical human being. Np 1982 wrote a one-star review with the subject line, this has things ungodly in it got really weird. And then they wrote, this book was good at first and then got very unbiblical. I think I will burn it.

I burned it. It's a attempt to deface God, the and Jesus, it way up set me. Oh, this person is barely literate. I was actually fixing some mistakes as I read that. Holy fucker, you ridiculous ignorant, ridiculous ignorance, my God, N.P. 1982. The author, in this case, Bart Erman, didn't write the lost books of the Bible, you dipshipped. He compiled them.

He didn't choose what they would say. And you're going to burn them because they upset you and you're going to give him a one star review for what doing exactly what he said he was going to do in the premise of the book. God, if we could only send you back to the dark ages, were you belong? If only we could like trade people

with like other errors of history. Like if we could just take our idiots and send them to medieval Europe and then take out of medieval Europe like the curious mind stuck in that fucking hellhole and give them access to all the knowledge information that people like NP-192 have no desire to obtain. That would be so great, right? Let those people indulge in the curiosity that is truly wasted on these idiots of the internet. Okay time suckers. I hope you like today's ride. It was a tough one man. It was a tough one. I really debated with how to structure it. I thought about just folks in the scripture

and stories, the last books themselves, but honestly, I just felt like that was going to get too repetitive. Wow, this person said, this weird thing, the story feature, this weird creature, et cetera, and interesting, but I think more interesting to use the lost books to give us a better understanding of the books that aren't lost, those included in the Bible. I knew that there were other books that were never included in the Bible,

but I just didn't really grasp how much disagreement there was regarding how to form the Bible before this past week. I really enjoyed as hard as it was all this research. Man, religion is tricky. And if you're looking for logical answers, you're just not going to find them. Honestly, I don't understand why certainty, low, jones even try. It's like if you want to believe, just believe.

But don't waste your time trying to believe because belief is the only logical choice to make all the stories add up. They don't have to. They don't have to all make sense. That's okay. Sometimes mystery can be good, you know? That's what's fun about it. I also understand whether so much disagreement within the Christian community now

on a different level, whether so many various denominations, so many subsets within each denomination. Of course there's endless disagreement. The foundation of the religion is built on varying opinions and a multitude of texts and teachings that disagree with each other. Faith, man, it just speaks to you or it doesn't. And if it speaks to you, well, God bless you. If the Christian faith works for you, peace be with you. No shade as I say that at all. I mean, I got a lot of

meant so many cool Christian time starters. And if religion doesn't speak to you, well, you know what? Nimrod still loves you. So, Nimrod, time sucks still here, it's not a religion. I got no afterlife for you, but based on all the people I've met this past year and after, it clearly speaks strongly to Latia. And I'm here for you. All right, time for some top five takeaways. Time suck, top five takeaways. One, the King James Bible is first published in 1611 and was commissioned by a witch hunter

who wrote a field guide for how to catch necromancers and spot the devil in 1597. We live in a strange world, don't we? Two, the Romans, the killers of Christ were also the key to the development of Christianity. The ancient system of Roman roads allowed a new religion to spread throughout the vast Roman Empire. Farmer quickly, you know, than any other empire would have allowed it to spread and uh... in due to this expansion religion religion actually the religion

reach an actual emperor constantly uh... who took the throne in three twelve three there were two basic cancer christmas in the early days there was orthodox christians the pro-orthodox in the nostics and a lot of the nostics seem to be super fucking weird if you consider taking the sacrament through Weenere juice to be weird, which I definitely do. 4. The Catholic Church finally agreed on which writings should go into the Bible, and which should be left out almost 60 years after the Council of Nicaea,

at the Council of Rome in 382 CE. Did not know that. And 5. New Info just last year in 2017, a new copy of a lost book was found, another copy of the first apocalypse of James. One of the books found in the Nag Hammadi discovery of 1945 was found in the library archives of Oxford University. Jeffrey Smith and Brent Landau, religious studies scholars at the University of Texas at Austin, located the rare text in Oxford University archives earlier this year of 2017. The experts found several fifth or sixth century CE Greek fragments of the first apocalypse of James to say that we were excited once we realized what we'd found is an understatement, said Smith, a system professor of religious studies and a statement. We never suspected that Greek fragments of the first apocalypse of James survived from antiquity, but there they were right in front

of us. And discoveries are still occurring, isn't that intense? Descrevaries are still occurring. What if some mind blowing one is right around the corner? Can you imagine? Like what if some new Egyptian tomb is on Earth? And there's a huge library. How cool would that be? And like we all find out just something fucking crazy.

Like what if we all found out that like the world's major religions are all part of the same truth? And that that truth is that the space lizards are real. And it was the space lizards who killed Jesus to keep him from bustin' us out of David Ike's moon matrix. Okay, I don't think we're gonna find anything that weird. But we could find something cool. I hope so.

I like it when things get weird. I like what things keep evolving. But happens, I'm sure one of you will send me an update. Time, suck, top five, take away. Last books of the Bible have been sucked. Thank you, Spaceship, vote in the topic, man. I am but a conduit of Nimrod's will and you are the controllers of Nimrod.

Or does Nimrod control you? Uh oh. It may start to be some theological debates breaking out within the time-sub community itself. Thanks to Harmony Velocamp, Jesse Dobner, Lindsey Cummins, Josh Crowe, entire time-sub team. And now we have a Friday episode coming up and it's the first of a big two-parter, man.

I love two-parters, two episodes on the demonic possession of Anna Elizabeth, Annelise Michelle. Yes, it's been too long since we had some paranormal, fucking terrifying horror here on the suck. That's right, hey, I'll lose the fena. I've gotten such good feedback on the Amityville and the Shadow People episodes that it felt right to get scared all over again.

And this story is terrifying. 1968, when Michelle was 16, she experienced a seizure and was diagnosed with psychosis caused by temporal lobe epilepsy. She soon had depression and was treated at a psychiatric hospital. By the time she was 20, she had become intolerant of various religious objects and began to hear voices. Her condition worsened despite medication. She became suicidal, also displaying other symptoms for which she took medication as well. After taking psychiatric medications for five years and having them fail to improve her symptoms, her family became convinced she was possessed by a demon. And as a result, her family appealed to the Catholic Church for an exorcism. And what happened next became

the basis for the horror film, the exorcism of Emily Rose, she had got crazy and I can't wait to suck it. Hey, you'll remember that time to expand the mind into the possibility that not everything in this world can be rationally explained yet again just like we did on this week's theology. Now let's find out what you suckers have been up to these past few weeks with some time sucker updates. Our first update is from Kickass, MotherSucker, Grace and Gist, Grace and Rites. Dear Lord Suck Master Cummins of Fourth, I absolutely loved that you covered the WBC. You did a fantastic job in that episode. As always, I am from Kansas City, Missouri. I have seen these mofos in person. Even stopped buying to check out their church.

I joined the Air Force in 2012 and I distinctly remember sitting on the hood of my car, staring at their prison-esque church with their American flags hung upside down with rainbows instead of stripes and wondering whether or not some people deserve protection. Unfortunately, even shit heads do. Anyways, I was approaching their compound. I noticed that there was a house across the street that was painted like the rainbow and had a donation box with a sign that read planting piece dot org. It was the most fantastic thing I'd seen in a long time.

The amount of trolling while supporting people who are different was awe inspiring. I tossed some money in there, gave the WC the finger and went about my day. Hopefully you can get that message out to fellow time suckers to help support the people that prevent the illunatics from hurting people that already possibly feel down about who they are.

Also Google math the church and scroll to the other side of the street. It's worth the looks and it's really grace and HKA Taco, HKA officially the newest space. So they're hailed them, Rod. Oh man, thank you so much, man. Thanks for, I would have never known about that. Thanks for sending that to our way. Planting piece.org.

That is really cool, man. Just rush around this week. I didn't have time to check out the Google you know image of that but I'll have to give it a look and I'm so glad you found that man and I'm so glad you let us know. Way to combat some hate there dude. Appreciate it. Knowledge Nimrod space lizard. Okay next up little love from Super Sucker Vanessa Evans. Vanessa writes, dear Dr. Reverend Master Sucker. I've been a big fan for years and a time sucker for the past two. I wanted to write in to thank you for all the work you do. I am currently slogging through my last semester Dr. Reverend Master Sucker, I've been a big fan for years and a time sucker for the past two.

I wanted to write in to thank you for all the work you do. I am currently slogging through my last semester of college and hating every minute of it, your podcast reassures me that while I'm not a fan of school, I still love learning. Something happened recently that I wanted to share with you. I had to go get blood work done, something that sends me anxiety or sends my anxiety off the charts. I asked a nurse if I could listen to music while she was drawing blood, and I put in the Norse mythology episode. Your sweet tones plus the Howls of Bojangles

immediately call me down. It was the first time in my entire life it did not pass out while getting blood drawn. I owe that to you. Sorry for the long email, but I wanted to let you know how much your comedy and times like means to me, keep doing what you're doing,

lots of love to you and your family, Hail Nimrod, Vanessa Evan. Vanessa Evan, excuse me. Well, God, love you, Vanessa. Evan, that was so nice. And that's so awesome that you're able to use that to get through your blood work, man. I know that's hard for a lot of people.

I'm lucky, I don't suffer from that. My mom, though, passes out every time she has to have anything done with her blood. Or, you know, borderline passes out. I'm because of that, passes out every time she has to have some blood stuff done. So I'm so glad that we're too new, who knew that the suck could help with some blood work. I appreciate that.

And thanks for saying, yeah, hide in my family. Next up, kick ass Christian time sucker, Mary Fouse, Mary Ride, Tayden, love what you do, and I'm so happy to have found your amazing podcast. It's made my life measurly better. I wanted to send you a note to give you one Christian's perspective on your WBC episode. I am a Christian because I believe the love God has for every person he has created, and I don't believe for a minute that he would close the gates of heaven to anyone who is kind to others and spend their lives doing good.

That definitely includes a majority of gay people and definitely does not include any member of this disgusting cult. The WBC does not speak for me, nor for any reasonable Christian I would think. I believe in Heaven and Hell, and I think it's very clear where these hateful monsters are going to end up. Thanks for always putting out great work, and for being so involved with your listeners, your hard work does not go unnoticed, Hill Nimrod, and Begon, Lucifina. Well, thank you, Mary. Thank you, Mary. Yeah, and I wanted to include that, because I know a lot of the Christian listeners were upset by how hateful those people were,

and didn't want to be associated, and you definitely not. And I hope those people, like the one who got out that we talked about, has now given Ted Talks and such. I hope other members of the WBC man wise up, and before the ways the rest of their lives, get the hell out of that little dangerous discussion, little cult of theirs.

So yes, so Hill Never ought to be gone loose to feed. Thank you. Another awesome update from a big wonderful bolt of suck, Daniel Griffin, Daniel writes, what's up DJ suck face? My name is Daniel Griffin. I love he actually phonetically put Daniel Griffin as if I don't know how to pronounce Daniel,

which is hilarious. I know we technically have the same name, but I just never know what you. There's probably a long message, but I've got a lot to say. I'm a loyal listener, space leader, and long time stand up fan. I've actually called into the secret suck before,

the guy who did a triple M panic at the disco, that was awesome. I'm writing because this week's episodes struck a painful nerve for me. My dad is a Baptist pastor and cross cultural studies professor, aka Reverend Doctor. I was brought up in the church,

and I'm attending a Christian college right now. Not one like the weirdo's about Jones. Every time I even think about those disgraceful shit bags at Westboro Baptist Church my heart breaks. But I don't want to talk about the evil that they do, but that the good that the Christians I know have done and continue to do. Our friends and family have been doing humanitarian work all across the world primarily in the Middle East.

Myself, my sister, my dad, and about a dozen of my classmates have been going to Jordan the past few years to try to help with the displaced Syrian refugees in that area. The trip was paid for with donations and money from our own pockets. I personally know dozens if not hundreds of people who have dedicated their lives to serving people in third world countries. Some of them have even sacrificed their own life. These people were willing to give up their lives because they believed that people they were serving were worth loving. I wanted to tell you this not to try to make myself or my friends sound cool, but to give you a contrast to the hate because that as people like this who truly believe in sharing the love of God. These are

the people I am proud to be in the community with and these are the people who I'm proud to say worship the same God as me. I have so much more I would like to say but I'll end on this. I believe you're coming to the West Palm Beach this summer the improv I think I am yeah I would like to ask you if you are willing to stage a protest with me. In order to protest the hateful homophobia that West Pro Baptist Church vommets, I would like to like to make love to you. If we can do it on stage, I'll be even better, just hot, and undan action, dan squared, if

you will. You can be a picture of you if you prefer. I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Big fan of love all you do, love, dan, new grip, and that is hilarious, dude. And yes, just a good reminder that there's so many great people and how I've just seen in light of today's episode, you know, whether like there's all these books floating around,

all that really matters is what people do with the information and you are clearly doing wonderful things with Christianity. And so that's awesome, man. Hail Nimrod and I love you sharing that and that was hilarious at the end. That one last one. I was pleasantly surprised to find out

we have a space lizard who has a degree from Bob Jones University. The place where you can you can't even have a foe hawk. The place where you can't watch PG-13 movies. Cool as heck time suckers supreme Marcus Hildbrand writes in, dear master sucker just listen to the new suck and thought your Bob Jones rant was hilarious because I had to put up with all those dumb rules during my four year undergrads there. I just graduated last year, I mean, grad school to normal university now.

Hit me up if you ever want to know more about that crazy place. By the way, I didn't actually hate all my time there and I do feel like I got a solid education. But the rules and other things about the school were insane. Do that, I love that one of the listeners is went to Bob Jones University. Thank you so much, Marcus.

And I actually met somebody at a show there night who told me about Bob Jones University. They knew somebody who got kicked out for watching a Pixar movie. I think it was the one up. I think it was about the house that goes up, but it was like, it was PG, whatever. I came from the exact movie, unfortunately,

but I remember it was a Pixar Cartoon movie and they got caught watching and they got tossed. Oh, amazing updates. Thank you, time suckers. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. Well, thanks again for listening suckers. And once again, hope today didn't come across as two sack religious or blasphemous for

some of you. Love in my religious suckers. More and more all the time. Your tolerance of my heathen ass warms my heart. Hope all you suckers, all you meat sacks of every race and creed and look and gender have a fantastic week, and more than anything, I hope you keep on sucking. you