Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 85 - The Spanish Inquisition

Episode Date: April 30, 2018

The Spanish Inquisition started in 1478 and lasted all the way until 1834 - and it was terrible the whole time. But it was at its worst in the first hundred years, when thousands and thousands of innocent people living in the new Spanish Empire were ruthlessly tortured and many of them burned alive for, mostly, maybe being Jewish in a country that was aggressively Catholic. Find out how the Catholic church rose to power, how the Spanish empire was formed, why inquisitions were carried out, and how they were carried out, in this torture-filled edition of Timesuck! Check out the My West Coast Buds podcast! Timesuck is also brought to you by Hims! Hims is one-stop shop for hair loss, skincare, and sexual wellness for men. Go to ForHims.com/Timesuck and get a trial month of everything for only $5! Timesuck is also brought to you by the new Parcast podcast, Gone! What do the Holy Grail, Nefertiti's Tomb, and Michael Rockefeller have in common? They’re gone. But what happened? The search for these answers lies in a new mystery podcast called “Gone”. Listen and subscribe wherever you find podcasts or go to Parcast.com/gone/ Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG, @timesuckpodcast on Twitter, and www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna be a Space Lizard"? We're over 2,000 strong! Go here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits. And, thank you for supporting the show by doing your Amazon shopping after clicking on my Amazon link at www.timesuckpodcast.com

The Spanish Inquisition was not actually really truly about religion. Certainly wasn't about God and salvation. None of the Inquisitions were. The Inquisitions were about power and control. They were about maintaining one's business interests, and that business just happened to be the business of organized religion. And a lot of times that religion was tied to the monarchy. They were about the Roman Catholic Church securing papal prestige in Europe,

ensuring not only their survival, but their ability to economically thrive, agree with us, pay your tithides, pledge loyalty to our Catholic king, our queen, or both, and bow eternally before the mighty Church of Rome. Kiss the ring or face the horrific consequences, marginalization, expulsion, torture, or execution. With the Spanish Inquisition specifically, it was the king and queen driving in terrigations and persecution instead of the Pope. They used the cover of the churches and fallibility to culturally homogenize their newly conquered lands. The Spanish Inquisition was less about saving the heredic souls of the Spanish Empire and its newly acquired territories and more

about solidifying a Catholic culture that would be easier to control than a mixed culture of Muslims, Jews, and indigenous peoples. It was about obliterating cultural ties and loyalty to the population's previous rulers. King Ferdinand of Eragon and Queen Isabella were Catholic. They were acquired a lot of new land and they were building a vast empire and they needed unity to keep things moving. And their successors wanted the same damn thing. And if you wanted to remain in their expanding kingdom

You're gonna be Catholic or shit was gonna get real rough real super scary stuff kind of rough So let's dig deep into some dark times. Let's suck into some atrocities that would make today's worst headlines seem quaint Corruption torture persecution and overall Medieval mayhem today on TimeSuck. Happy Monday Time Suckers on the Master Sucker aka the Prophet of Nimrod aka the plaything of Luciferina aka the background vocalist to the sweet bar to the suck Michael motherfucking McDonald on Dan comments and you are listening to time suck welcome to the cold to the curious and hail Nimrot

uh... very excited to say that my new stand-up comedy album maybe i'm the problem out now it is out now it is for sale this is the pandora exclusive album i talked about a few months ago and that's no longer exclusive to Pandora You can still listen to it there, but now you can you can get it by it put it on your phone put it on your tablet Put it on your computer wherever you want I wouldn't give it a heads up sooner regarding when it was gonna drop But because of some behind the scenes independent music distribution stuff I actually didn't know when it was gonna come out. I don't I don't have a rough estimate sometime in the next few weeks

But it's here now to here now, I'm excited to say currently, as of this recording at least, number one on the iTunes comedy charts, with no press, so that made me, what a pleasant surprise. It's available on Amazon, on Google Play Store, as well, digital only. I hope you download it, hope you love it,

hope you rate it, bunch of new stuff, I'm really proud of, danger brain to the cover design, so of course it looks awesome. So grab some new standup. Treat yourself to some last. Go get it. And a quick shout out. This is so random to a latent van der etch,

a Boise State linebacker, former Boise State linebacker, taken in the first round of the NFL draft by the Dallas Cowboys, who went to my alma mater seven over high school. He just went from eight man football, a few years back in a town of 400 people to a multi-million dollar contract. I believe 12 mil and NFL impressive. I've never met him, never met anyone in his family.

Don't actually give a shit about high school football and for all I know, he could be a huge douchebag. But I haven't heard that, I haven't heard it anything either way. But he made it from Riggins, Idaho, to America's team and I respect the drive and hustle. It took to achieve that. I hope he's an awesome dude who will make my little football crazed town proud. Good luck, young man. My kids are actually kind of sad. They're, uh, they're bummed that their dad is no longer the most famous person from Rick and Zaidow.

I, I thought I would hold that title forever, but I'm very excited for this kid. Uh, quick thank you to Daniel Weaver, Freemason and Time Sucker who sent in an old Freemason handout he found in his largest office while doing some spring clean sent it into the suck dungeon. Very cool old, uh, you know, little mini fly. I guess a little handout for potential members, perfect condition. I love that kind of stuff. Thanks for sending that into PO box 3891, Cordelay and Idaho 83814,

Hail Memorad. Time suckers brought to you today by the My West Coast Buds podcast. Yep. Hosted by by comic edible Jedi Time sucker Joe Domeo my west coast buds inside baseball look at cannabis coffee comedy spirits All of Joe's favorite vices and so much more. It's a fun and funny conversation We learn a lot about the explosive new industry of legal meta-wanna Mewana this this week on My West Coast Buds,

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looks like it's for a real sports team. Thanks for your laughter, stick shows, I did the Punchline comedy club, man, whether it was a 100 people on Wednesday, or one of a, man, one of three sold out shows in the weekend, a silver you fucking brought it every show. Most people overall have ever had come out to see me in the bay by a lot. Had a blast that historic venue. Finally, got my Dan Dion photographed headshot on the wall. I was honored. Only took 13 years. I hope you guys bring the same energy to the live.okane Washington podcast at the Spokane

Comedy Club. This Sunday, I think it's a podcast. I don't know what that is. Talk about a podcast. May 6th. We'll have time suck beer on tap for that one. First time, man, young buck brewing and Spokane is crafted a time suck IPA just for that show.

So that's pretty dope. Those attendee will be the first to actually taste the suck and who are what are we going to be sucking? I'm going to be sucking Gary Ridgeway, Green River Killer. That'll be a sacrament of punchline three nights. May 10 to 12th. Home, folks, it on time, suck and the suck dungeon the rest of the month until May 31st when I head to the Tempean Prove, Arizona, May 31st, June 3rd, June 8th and 9th, early, early, the DC, Washington, DC, excuse me, a draft house, tickets on sale June 15th and 16th.

I'll be at the funny bone in Des Moines Iowa, only two nights tickets on sale there as well. July 15th to another live time suck podcast in Orlando with some BDMs at the Orlando improv more tour dates at Dancomas.tv, LaHoya, Dayton, Tampa, Palm Beach, Chicago, Sunnyville, Portland, Tacoma, Columbus, Grand Rapids, and more coming up in 2018. And then a quick sad news, a lot of the Pudy and Juju limited edition coffee mugs that were sent out. Well, not a lot, a fair amount.

We're not a properly packaged and they got destroyed in shipment. Shipments, excuse me, not fun, trying to drink from a cup with a bus that has handled. So if you receive one of these mugs and you haven't notified us yet, please do email Merchman and good dude who feels terrible about what happened. Eric Radiker, he will never send out fragile items to the subfaith. He'll not same way getting to great dude. Feels awful about how things that went down. Email him at eric at e2metha.com.

He'll send you a new, not busted mug. We'll throw in a sticker pack for your troubles as a way of saying sorry. We care about your support. And still waiting for the 40 mugs that replace the 40 of the 200 not sold due to quality issues, they're coming in this week. Those two little, two little Poodie mugs, they're gonna be on sale sometime this week,

only 40 left awaiting a final quality control check by the Merchman. And when that gets the green light, I'll announce on social media at Timesack Podcast on Instagram as the preferred place. That's where we can find out exactly when they drop and be sure to get yours. So you'll know, you'll know. And so many emails this past week about the Golden State killer.

Joseph James DeAngelo, yes, he has been added to the topic list. Spaceless, which can vote him into being an episode if they choose to, that's the will to suck. And dude, it was also known as the original night soccer, night soccer. She's been Eastern, you're rapist. Yep. Finally, because I left this email out of last week's episode description, need to mention again, time sucker Adam Dayton sent those two huge custom hand painted cornhole boards

into the suck dungeon and their majestic pick on Instagram at time suck podcast. You can hire him to make custom boards for you. Adam Dayton 18 at gmail.com. All right, let's get into it. Let's get into Times like 85, The Spanish Inquisition. All right, Time Sucker. All right, cool last curious human being likes to have fun and learn. Meet Sack, who understands that learning something new and interesting is actually so much

fun, feels good, get a little smarter, not to work for it. Mm-hmm. I like the way you're living your life So to understand the inquisitions you first need to understand the early churches rise to power in Europe who their competitors were What they did to the competition before the Spanish inquisitions specifically ever took place We learned a lot about the initial formation of the early Christian church in Rome in the Roman Empire in times about the initial formation of the early Christian church in Rome, in the Roman Empire, in Times of 83, lost books of the Bible. I feel like we're kind of completing this recent early Christian arc here just a few weeks ago, various early Christians, many of whom still identified as being Jewish. You know, they spread their messages around

the Roman Empire. They lived during the first few centuries after Christ death. They all agreed that Bojangles was their one true god three legs representing the father the son the holy spirit one i representing the one true god in a huge pitbull dick representing uh... uh... power i believe uh... or or uh... big pitbull dickiness uh... i don't i don't know i don't know what it represented it's nonsense no early christians didn't actually agree on much.

Other than that Christ was in some way very significant and that things had changed, you know, from the Judaism before. There was a big movement of things being different. Early Christians were persecuted by various Roman emperors during this time because the official religion of Rome still polytheistic worship of the various Roman gods. But then through persistent missionary works spread in their knowledge of scripture, a Roman emperor was eventually converted to the new faith.

That was Constantine, the first AKA Saint Constantine, AKA the Reverend Dr. Juniper Twigelberry. AKA I obviously made up that last one. I'll be a weird nickname for him, Emperor Constantine, born or on or near February 27, 280 CE was the son of an army officer Flavius Flavius Constantinus A.K.A. Flavre Flav the first

But for real Constantine's dad Flavius was super good at fighting. He was so good at military strategy and conquest He rose to the rank of Caesar or deputy emperor and 293 CE headed out to serve directly under the emperor of the Western Roman Empire Augustus Maximian. While that was out fighting, young Constantine, a man who deserves his own sucks. I'm not going to go too deep into the details of his life here. Hopefully we'll do a Constantine suck down the road. He was raised and educated by the best teachers of the day in the Imperial Court, the Court of Diocletian. Diocletian, yet Diocletian Emperor of the Eastern Roman Empire in Nicaragua, now Izmit, Turkey. And if you're confused by the Eastern Western Roman Empire

distinction, well, by 285C, the Roman Empire had grown so vast that it was no longer feasible to govern all of the provinces from the central seat of Rome. So the Emperor, the Diocletian, he divided the empire into halves with the Eastern Empire being governed out of Byzantium, later Constantinople, and the Western Empire governed from Rome. Now initially, both sections were known equally as the Roman Empire. Although in time, the Eastern Empire would adopt Greek instead of Latin.

It would lose much of the character of the traditional Roman Empire and also eat a lot more hummus, a lot more pita bread, a lot more green olives, they'd have a lot more hair in their chest. No, but for roughly like the first 100 years of the split, they worked together and were essentially sister empires. And that would change, and again, the split of the Roman Empire is something that would merit its own suck. All this Roman talk is making me want to do another Roman suck again for sure.

Just wanted to clarify a little here in case you were like, what the fuck? How is this dad second command to one emperor of Rome, but then he's going to school in the court of another emperor of Rome at the same time, which clearly his dad is cool with. How many fucking emperors are there? Why does he fight each other? There's two emperors. One for each half of the freshly divided enormous Roman Empire and the two halves are allies. And sometimes the two halves rejoin for a minute under one emperor, then they split apart. You're up, man. The more you dig into its history,

the more stories you come across where this dude was king of this kingdom, but then he married the heir to the throne of this other kingdom. And now his empire is double, but there's an uprising. He loses two thirds of it to this despot. And then this emperor over here doesn't produce a legitimate heir. So then four dudes challenged for the throne of that empire,

which split into fucking three pieces, because one guy consolidates two and then two kingdoms are attacking each other and have the power struggle It's just very wonderfully game of thrones Or I guess more appropriately game of thrones is just wonderfully, you know medieval Europe So anyways Constantine I'll grown up in the east encounters people from all walks of life and dialoclesians Imperial court including some early Christians Christianity was actually from page news early in Constantine's life Thanks to the great persecution of the Christians They began as a court of Diocletian and Nicomedia and was enforced with particular intensity in the Eastern parts of the Empire beginning in 303 CE

Those soon Constantine would take the throne through a series of events. I'm just gonna gloss over here No one's gonna to be tested. So if you get a little confused, don't worry about it. You don't need to know any of this to understand the rest of the episode. On 305 CE, the two emperors of the West and the East, Diocletian and Maximian, abdicated their thrones. They were done. They wanted to retire and just, uh, you know, hang around with pool boys or whatever they did back in Rome. Uh, uh, be succeeded by the respective, uh, deputy emperors, Galerius and Constinus, Constantin's father, Galerius Valerius, Max Minus in the east, fucking names. And Flavius Valerius Severus in the west, Constantius requested his sons' presence from Galerius and Constantin joined his father at just Soria Cum, modern Boulon, France, they crossed together to Britain, fought a campaign in the North before Constantinus's death at Iboracum, modern York and 306 CE, immediately

named Emperor by his army, Constantine then threw himself into a complex series of civil wars, which, McSencius, the son of Maximian, rebelled in rome with his father's help uh... makes and t.s. uh... suppress the various who've been proclaimed western emperor by glarius uh... of similar sounding names fighting each other who is in replaced by lasinias lot of eosis and uh... when maxime and was rejected by his son he joined constant in go all the betray constant in the murder or forced suicide

constant in who in three oh seven c.e. had married Maximean's daughter Fousta as a second wife. Again, it's so fucking games of thrones. The consling were like marrying the fucking siblings of their enemies to try and solidify things. He invaded Italy in 312. After lightning campaign defeated his brother-in-law, families are always fighting families. McSentius at the Millivian bridge near Rome, he then confirmed in alliance that he had already entered in two with Licinius.

Glyrias died in 311. Constantine became Western Emperor. Licinius shared the east, which is rival Maxim Minus, and then Licinius defeated Maxim Minus, became sole Eastern Emperor. Then lost territory in the Balkans, two Constantine, who's now fighting him, 316. After a further period of tension,

Constantine attacks Licini fighting him three sixteen. If you're a further period of tension, Constantine attacks Losenius in three twenty four, routes him at Adrian Opel and becomes sole emperor of East and West. The Empire would divide back into Eastern western has when he died thirteen years later on May 22nd, three thirty seven CE. Man, and Utah, you had problems with your in-laws. You guys are trying to fucking kill each other all the time. Just sending, you know, sending people to die. You got to fight my brother-in-law this week.

Last week, I had to fucking burn my mother-in-law's village. No, she was rye-along me. She wasn't respecting the throne. I'm tacking a few cousins next week. Killed her brother this morning, poisoned, poisoned an uncle last night. It's been a busy week. No, but a lot of shit right, man.

Anyway, sometimes during all that fight and ass kickin', Constantine became not only familiar with Christianity, he became a Christian himself, Noma Roman, polytheism, and he believed that his new Christian God had given him the power to conquer his kingdom by the power of gray school, but replaced that with God, Christian God. You know, a Christian athlete's like to claim

that God helped him win the big game at press conferences You know, they do that a lot. I just want to thank God for the Super Bowl victory He clearly loved our team more than the other team I appreciate God taking some time today to focus on what really mattered helping us get a few extra TDs I'm sure it wasn't easy taking time away from various children dying of starvation Careful diseases third world countries to help us get the extra first down, necessary to sustain our game winning drives today. And I just appreciate the hell out of it.

Praise God. Alright, clearly I'm exaggerating and distorted what athletes do, but they're calm down, don't send me any emails. I do think it's funny when athletes become so self-important, they think God actually gives a shit about their silly games.

And yes, again, before I get much females, I do understand that the Christian God is omnipotent and can help one dude throw some crisp fucking fade routes. You know, while also simultaneously help other children across the globe, I get it. I know it's not one of the other. I just still think it's a little silly

when I hear that done on TV. Anyway, Constantine was like the first dude to do that. He was like, you know, one thing Jesus for helping me kick some heathen ass. Past few years, I see the glory of my new God, I've reunited our great empire. So he's real into it, real into it. And Constantine did a ton to empower and provide structure

to this new religion he loves so much, Christianity. Remember from the last books of the Bible, so he organized the first council of Nicaea, 325 CE, established the basis of early church doctrine. And after his death, all subsequent emperors would favor Christianity, with like, with like, the exception of one little blip. There was a little two year blip.

During the brief reign of Emperor Julian, also known as Julian the Apostate, he briefly shifted the empire's official faith back to the traditional Roman gods on paper, at least I don't think the cults really followed him that did worship prior to Constantine. And then there was Emperor Superbus. He got some shit done. He did some things. No, that no he did

There was no there was a superb. He did his now. He has no part in the story There was just a little reference to the pronunciation blender. I had back in the clikula suck no Theodosius made specifically Catholic Christianity the official religion of the empire in 381 Prohibited the worship of pagan gods in 392 Pope is in big time now, man Roman Empire is a Christian Empire, officially, the official brand of Christianity runs through the Vatican, nice. Early on, in the first few centuries of Christian Church,

as we've touched on before, there were various groups of Nostics and Orthodox or proto-Orthodox believers. And then the Orthodox believers won out. There was that whole Council of Rome in 382 to establish the main canon of the Bible. It would become the Catholic Bible early on. There was various bishops and various Roman cities.

There was the Bishop of Rome with one of them, but then do mainly to Rome's significance in the traditional capital of the Roman Empire. That dude becomes headbishop and that position morphs into that of Pope. Pope's in. Got a pope now. Heathens out. Pope one. Heathens zero.

And over the next two centuries this new powerful state sanctioned religion becomes very, very powerful due to various emperors giving the church to which their souls will be holding, you know, such upper hands as, you know, exemption from taxes, tithing, you know, riches to the church church becomes very wealthy, comes a thriving empire of its own. There were no religious anti-trust laws in the early the early days of you know expansion and the Pope soon conquered the market on salvation and The you know most powerful empire of the world the cathartic became the Amazon dot com of churches The ancient pope more powerful than modern Jeff Bezos Sure there was competitors, but the all of them quickly fell to overstock dot com status. You know, Judaism, various forms of paganism,

few scattered offshoots of Christianity, all fighting for a distant second place when it came to power, influence, and wealth. I mean, really the Catholic Church is the most impressive empire to come out of medieval Europe, long as lasting. You know, kings and queens and their various kingdoms, you know, they'd come and go,

Vatican still stands to the day, still crushing it, still making that money. During the thousand years, the Middle Ages, from the fall of Rome to the Renaissance, the papacy, matures, establishes itself as the preeminent theological authority of Europe, religious life assumes new forms or reformed established ones, you know, and missionaries expand the geographic boundaries of the faith. And as the early church expanded, it occasionally ran into a little opposition, and it did not care for that. It ran into people who didn't believe the things that they liked people to believe. You know, the churches of Rome ran into Muslims,

Jews occasionally, even other types of Christians, and those people irritated the fuck out of the church. They thought they were kind of gross. They said, ugh, I don't like it. What are they worshiping? No. Super annoying to the Pope. He, ugh, I don't like it. Ugh. Why do they worship him? Ugh. No. Super annoying to the Pope. He was like, I don't like it. I don't like it.

They're like, Pope, we found some Muslims, I don't like it. No. Pope, Pope. We found a couple, we found a couple, a Jews down in Sicily. Ah, no. I don't know, I don't want it.

And then they would have to be like, all right, all right, calm down, Pope. Now get them out of here. They'd have to work on getting them out of there. Well, for the most part, definitely not always, the church tolerated Jews and Muslims, a little bit, a little bit tolerated. They weren't great to them,

but they tolerated them for political and financial reasons. Did not tolerate at all those who consider themselves to be fellow followers of Christ's teachings who didn't think the Pope had his Pope shit right. The Catholic Church of the Pope hated people who didn't think the early church was coming correct with their spiritual teachings. These people presented the biggest threat to the dominance of the church. These people could destroy the church from within. What is some new type of Christian captured a new emperor's attention? And with the new out with the old, now they've ruined everything. How's the Pope gonna buy new fucking cool Pope hats and clean Pope robes if he's not the official

church of the rulers of Europe? Who's gonna do the post laundry? Is he gonna be expected to wash his own hat? No, fuck that. There's one thing you learn over and over studying the history of empires and large institutions. It's when an organization becomes extremely powerful and wealthy, they do not give up their power without a fight. And so to keep from losing power, the church begins to label profess believers who maintain religious opinions, contrary to their beliefs as heretics. Oh, and the Pope couldn't stand them.

He would get worked up about, you know, like Muslims and Jews, but if you brought up heretic, they would probably even be nervous during that they'd like, Pope, I know you're already mad about that Muslims, you just, get him out of here! I know, I know, I know, I know. We have something else to talk to you about though. There's, ooh, over in France, we found some heretics.

Come play the game, I know! No, I don't want it! That'd be fucking really freak out. That's when he, he eventually, actually, I said more things after that, but you didn't hear him, because it went to like a dog only, able to be her decibel of high-pitchness.

That's how worked up he got. He would just, his mouth would move and his arms would fly around and you couldn't even hear anything. Heretics were the worst. Enemy number one. Papacy would rather deal with murders and rapists than heretics.

Heretics were incredibly dangerous, man. The fuckers killed the church with nothing but words and ideas, which can truly be more dangerous in some cases. These heretics infected enough people with new ideas, whole shabang crumbles. And as you know, things wouldn't necessarily crumble with Martin Luther's Protestant Reformation years later because the Catholic Church was so established by then.

You know, and with King Henry VIII split from Rome and the formation of the Anglican Church years later, but they would certainly splinter and crack with those movements. And while still powerful, the Catholic Church would lose forever the vice-like grip it once had over the world's Christians. And in the 12th century, the now powerful Roman Catholic Church

encounters a large group of Christians who are reviving, gnostic beliefs in Northern Italy and Southern France, the cathars. Now the, and the church's side, something must be done with these so-called heretics. Let's talk about the cathars. And the first half of the 11th century isolated groups

of cathars also known as cathari, from Greek catharros, pure, appeared in western Germany, flanders, northern Italy. And initially they didn't last long, but the 11th century, no more was heard of them. And suddenly in the 12th century, this kind of reappear. And cathar believe initially vary between catharic communities, catharic system, or catharism. I was originally taught by aesthetic leaders, monks, basically, people who dedicated their lives to the pursuit of contemplation and simple living. And the first cathars didn't have a lot of set guidelines

for their beliefs, it was very loosely organized. However, one thing most, if not all ancient cathars agreed upon from the beginning, was a dualistic belief that the world was composed of things that were good and things that were evil. And there wasn't much gray area in between. This thing over here is good and of God, this thing over here is bad and of the devil. And they believe that the material world fell on the devil side of that.

Wealth equals devil. And that did not set well with Rome and the Vatican. Have you ever been to the Vatican? I have. I've been to the Sistine Chapel. Not cheap looking, beautiful, extremely expensive looking, decadently opulent. No expense spared to present the glory of God. I want to the bathroom to Vatican. Instead of toilet paper, they insisted that you would wipe your ass on the faces of heathens, faces of faithless heathens. They would just

bring a few in, you'd wipe your ass on their face, and then they would just be thrown into a fire pit. It's a little value, no, but no, but it's very, very nice. When I was a student in Zagga, Jesuit Catholic institution, we used to joke about the priests who may have technically taken a vow of poverty, but far from poor, not even close to impoverished.

A friend of mine, Blaine, he worked in the priest residence hall where they'd eat, you know, This was like his work study job and he'd sometimes be able to bring home leftovers man fucking filet mignon salmon fillets You know lobster It's set right for real. They weren't impoverished and we're eating ramen noodles mac and cheese They were driving beamers. They didn't technically belong to them. They're owned by the university whatever But you know for all intents and purposes, it was their cars. They lived a lifestyle that was comfortable to being a very upper middle class at least,

you know, and these are the priests. Imagine the bishops and then the pope himself. Pope is neat and peanut butter and honey sandwiches, right? He's not having fucking toast on a steel bread. Well, the cathars, they didn't like that, because they didn't live like that. They thought that type of bougie kind of shit was disgusting. They were very peous. They didn't take vows of poverty.

They truly lived poverty. Man, they'd work enough to provide for their basic survival. But then that was it. And by the 1140s, the Catholic really started to kind of organize themselves. They got into an early form of martial arts known as Kenjo. That one Catholic brought back from a pilgrimage to Tehran, where he met him on Goli and Monk. And he taught the other Catholic the Kenjo forms one Kathari brought back from a pilgrimage to Tehran where he'd met him on Goliath and Monk and he taught the other Kathari the Kenjo forms and slowly passed down from generation to generation each generation building upon the knowledge

of the previous generation until eventually one man had perfected the forms and the art could evolve no further it was now truly perfect the perfect martial art and one perfect human had become invincible a one man fighting force unable to be stopped or killed. And that man is John Clod Van Dam. The last cathar coming to this fall to theaters. Now his noun sense goal is that sounds, it makes even less sense when you realize that John Clod is actually Belgian.

He seems French to me. He looks French, he's Belgian. Anyway, sorry, I got way off track. By 1140, the cathart really did start to organize themselves. A hierarchy forms, a liturgy, or agreed upon form of worship is developed along with the formalized doctrine around 1149, see the first cath or bishop establishes himself in the North of France. A few years later, he establishes colleagues, other bishops at Albe and Lombardi.

The status of these bishops is confirmed in the following years. More bishops are set up until by the turn of the century. There's like 11 bishops, you know, one in North of France, foreign the south, six in Italy. You see what they're starting to do? These blockers are forming their own rival, Catholic, stop Christian church. There's not going to be severe consequences.

Outside of some organizational similarities, the catharsis could not be more different from the Catholics. The catharsis had strict rules for fasting, including the total prohibition of meat. Sexual intercourse was forbidden, complete, aesthetic, renunciation of the world was called for, which is not going to sit well with sovereign leaders either. Taking on a religion is one thing, a new religion that calls for you to essentially renounce the culture you live in, including your own government, that's another matter.

Really, oh, you're going to style pain taxes now? You're not going to fight when we wait till next war now? Ah, okay. You're not going to add anything of value to our culture. Anything, nothing we can monetize? No, you're just gonna be a weird monk. Wanted around the countryside, just thinking about the nature of the universe all day long?

Ah, no, no, that actually doesn't work for us. We may have to get rid of you before the cancer to our rule that you represent spreads to the rest of our kingdom. And if you're wondering, who would join such a strict religion? Well, you know, like who's willing to give up sex, well, not everyone had to be that strict. The Catholic Church grew in popularity partly because you didn't have to follow all the rules

to be part of the faith. There was two groups within the church. There was the perfect and the believers. Now the perfect, like the monks, they were set apart from the massive believers by a ceremony of initiation. They devoted themselves to contemplation. We're expected to maintain the highest moral standards. They were essentially, again, priests kind of monks of this new variety of Christianity.

And these believers were not expected, like the rest of them, to attain the lofty standards of the perfect. They just kind of, you know, had to be decent people and agree with the biblical interpretation. The cathars took a not to approach the biblical, to biblical, excuse me, interpretation. They were real loose, juicy with it, like kind of incredibly so. The cathart took a not to approach the biblical, to biblical, excuse me interpretation. They were real loose to goosey with it, like kind of incredibly so. The cathart doctrines of creation led them to rewrite the biblical story, the devised in elaborate mythology to replace it.

They viewed much of the Old Testament with skepticism. Some of them rejected it altogether. The Orthodox doctrine of the incarnation was rejected. Jesus was no longer the son of God. He was merely an angel, his human sufferings and death were an illusion. So obviously all of this doesn't set well to Catholic church either.

These guys are like, they're making a mockery of what they consider the Bible to be. And these catharsis are teaching other peasants, living within the boundaries of traditionally Catholic countries is shit, they're fucking everything up. You know, and then they fuck up big time when they openly and severely criticize the worldliness and corruption of the Catholic

Church itself. I think you can guess what happens next. What happens next is a word from our sponsors, power mother fucker, bet you didn't see that coming. Time stock is brought to you today by four hymns. Four hymns.com is one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. For hymns has medical grade solutions, real doctors and known generic equivalents to brand name Prescriptions they can help you keep your hair among other things you can order a finasterite off the website for a great price

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when they dared to openly criticize the official church of the Roman Empire? You guessed it the authorities of both church and state unite to get rid of these troubles some other fuckers and 1184 Pope Lucius the third issues of papal bull That's when the pope would release a bull Ordained by God to fucking kill heathens. Now, bull would trample the countryside, just fucking, just mayhem. No, usually the papal bull, which is an official edict or command handed down from the pope,

to give local, local, local, local bishops in France, the authority to deal with cathars. Now, these cathars are going to be interrogated and if they're believed to not match church doctrine, they will be labeled as heretics and they will be dealt with severely Well, the bishops weed out a few here and few there But the problem is just too big for the bishops so to effectively deal with in this manner

So a lot of communities in southern France are outnumbered by cathars now They're unable to get the proper amount of stake burn and accomplished so in 1208 CE a crusade is called for In 2008 a war or more accurately a series of wars breaks out in southern France, modern writers referred to these wars as the cathar wars, traditionally they were referred to as the al-Baginian crusade, a formal crusade in the full sense of the word, preached and directed by the papacy, offering participants the remission of sins in an assured place in heaven. The crusaders regarded themselves as being on God's business and referred to themselves as pilgrims. And from the first major siege at Bezai in 1209, the war became one of French and their

allies against the independent people of the Langdoc and their allies. Langdoc being a former province of southern France, an area that essentially governed itself apart from the rest of France, if not formally so for a time due largely to the cathars. And then instead of Catholics against cathars, it was up until 1242 at least consistently Catholics on one side against cathars and actually other Catholics fighting on behalf of the cathars neighbors on the other side. And this crusade would last for 20 years. And various historians would later label it as an active religious genocide.

The Catholic Church attempted to exterminate an entire other religious culture. Church condoned violence by mid 2009. Around 10,000 Crusaders had gathered in a lion before a March and South. A large number came from Northern France. Some had volunteered from England. The Crusaders started to capture, they started by capturing, excuse me, the small village of Servian. Then they headed for Bisei, arriving on July 21st, 1209 CE under the command of the papal legat Arnod, uh, Amerik. They started to besiege the city, calling on the Catholics within to come out and demanding that the cathars surrender.

Well, they didn't do that. Neither group did as command. The Catholics didn't come out and the cathars didn't surrender. So the crusaders marched right through the gates of the city, uh, when the gates were open to negotiate some kind of compromise, No compromise today. You didn't do it. We just had so the entire population has slaughtered and then the city itself is burnt to the fucking ground Yeah, it was reported that a Maurek when asked how to distinguish cathars from Catholics in the in the battle said kill them all God will know his own

Wow, that is some cold blood shit. And after the destruction of this town, most other catharsis strongholds surrender. Yeah, I bet they did. And they were either banished, the catharsis were either banished in their communities, allowed to convert Catholicism or burn to the stake. If they did fight back, they were butchered.

And like so many aspects of today's story, the crusades deserves its own sucks. So I won't get into too many details about the Crusades today. There were revolts, there were some prolonged sieges, there were occasional breaks in the fighting. All in all, again, this goes on for about two decades, which seems like way over one decade too long. Two decades of continual extermination of these heretics.

I guess they were just hard to get rid of. Then 1234, the first true widespread papal inquisition has begun. Previous inquisitions, as I stated earlier, they'd been carried out by local bishops. You know, this shit was small time now. Not now it's time for a big time inquisition. Essentially the crusades, they had done all they could do to get rid of large openly

catheter populations and Southern France. However, still a bunch of sneaky catheters lurking about in the shadows. A bunch of heretics having the audacity to live within papal jurisdiction but not believe what the Pope wanted to believe. It's cheeky bastard. I mean sure they'd show up at church. They'd shake your hand. They'd kneel, they'd stand, they'd kneel, they'd stand some more, but they're just going to the motions. They're phonies. If you looked, if you looked them close, you could see a little cathart glint in their eye. There's some fake Catholics. So Pope Gregory the fourth, 1234, or the ninth, excuse me,

1234 CE, Dameron and numerous, established a former inquisition, formal inquisition to root out the rest of these heretical bastards. And it lasted the rest of the 13th century and for a great part of the 14th century. That's a long fucking time. It succeeded in crushing catharsis, it's a popular movement, it's done.

Drives it, drives it, you know, very few remaining adherents deep, deep underground and then pretty much is face to face away. Punishment for cathars very greatly under this inquisition. Most frequently former cathars were made to where yellow crosses, the top there garments is a sign of outward penance after they converted to Catholicism.

Others would have to make a obligatory pilgrimage, which often included fighting against Muslims. So I can't, you believe with the Pope wants you to believe now? Yeah? Well, you know, I'm not convinced. Once you head to the Iberian Peninsula, go kill some Muslims and prove it. Visiting a local naked, a church, excuse me,

naked once each month to be scourged was also a common punishment during this inquisition. I swear to not just make that up. That's not one of my weird tales. You have to have to once a month, yeah, strip down but naked man or woman and you know, show up at church to be embarrassed and shamed for being formally a catheter. That's an odd one. All right. I believe you, your Catholic now, however, some of the other priests aren't so sure. And that was pretty not of you to be a character in the first place, so I'm... I already did a show up at the church once a month, let's just say the 15th,

and I'm gonna need you to be butt naked. And I'm gonna whip you naked bottom with a switch, okay? Now sometimes when I'm whipping your bottom, it might seem to... It might seem to look like I'm starting to get a boner, but I'm not. That's just the way my robe gets wrapped up and twisted sometimes when I'm doing my weapon. And it might even look like I take that boner out from underneath my preceirobes and and that you can see me holding it in my hand and stroking it back and forth and that's not the case. That's not what's happened, that's not a boner you're seeing. It's a scroll.

It's a scroll I hold sometimes in my hand for strength. It's a scroll of important scripture. It's a rock hard, veiny scroll that keeps me focused on the weapon. And it might feel at one point like I'm sticking that scroll in and out and then in and out and then in and out again of your butthole. That's not what I'm doing. That's part of what being whipped feels like. Sometimes it feels like a something's getting shoved in your bottom. Sometimes being whipped feels like a like a hard but also soft at the same time scroll is going in and out of your butt for a while and sometimes getting whipped makes it sound like I'm starting to breathe really heavy and sometimes being whipped makes it start to look like I'm getting really sweaty

And then it makes it seem like there's some kind of liquidy gel in your colon and then I whip you a few more times Then I go lay down and take a nap and I'm weird around you for the next week. That's all that's not part of the whipping process It's not what you think it is and even if it is, it's all it's what God wants. It's all part of the penance. What's this big deal? It's just a bit of wrestling. It's better than burning. Sorry, I'm not sorry. It's not like I'm not sorry. It's not like there isn't a long-standing tradition of extreme sexual misconduct within the ranks of the Catholic Church. As I had to get that out of my system. Now, catharsers, cathars were slow to repent, a lot of them. And when they were, they would suffer imprisonment,

the loss of property, and of course painful death. Usually by being burned alive, which sounds really terrible. And as you can imagine, the power this inquisition gave local bishops and magistrates did lead to widespread abuse as I was joking about there. I mean, as what happened in later inquisitions as well, some local official, you know, he wants a young maiden to give up the goods, he's not interested in them.

Well, she's now maybe she's looking a little cathar like now. Are you sure he's not a cathar? It seems like you are. You suddenly seem very heretical to me. I can either tell the bishop what I'm starting to think about you, or you can get down in your knees and in a roundabout way, you can pray that I change my mind and forgive you. Meanwhile, the inquisitions continued. There's still a few catharser strongholds left. I have no idea how before these inquisitions were over. You think

after several decades of crusades, inquisitions of catholics would have gotten rid of all the cathars but there were apparently a couple sneaky resilient bastards that a few villages, still a couple of cathles left They were not gonna not gonna give up that sweet and povers. Let's do nothing to talk about God all day Catholic lifestyle without a fight From May 1243 to March 1244 Caster fortress of Montzur was besieged by the troops fighting for the archbishop of Nauban and on March 16th 1244 a large Masker goes down were over

2000 And on March 16th, 1244, a large massacre goes down where over 2,000 catheter perfects are burnt at once and an enormous pyre that would come to be known as the field of burned. The field of the burned, the foot of the castle, God dang man, field of the burned is a lot like the field of dreams. If your dream is to be burned alive with a lot of other people instead of playing baseball.

After that, the members of the faith became even more secretive about their beliefs and they were hard to define, of course they were. Church didn't stop looking. They continued to interrogate, torture, and kill. People suspected of being cathars. Finally, by about 1350 CE, catharsis has been completely obliterated. Just go fuck yourself, radio, shack. You had your fun, but Amazon wishes you to no longer exist. And Amazon gets with Amazon wishes. Yes, I do realize that may seem weird for me to shit on Amazon. Joking way, considering I have an Amazon affiliate link on my website Timesick Podcast.com

where you can click, be directed back to Amazon to do your shopping and support the show. However, just like you couldn't play ball with the Catholic Church, you know, in medieval Europe unless you as you, you know, or you couldn't oppose him, excuse me, unless you wanted to be financially crippled or killed, very difficult to function as well, you know, as a tech business in Northern Idaho and not, you know, swing through Amazon.com from time to time. It is what it is. Okay, so it's a little recap.

It's now that we've set up a little inquisitional context, let's get into a recap, but before we do, quick word from another sponsor, awesome sponsor. What did the Holy Grail, Nefertiti's tomb and Michael Rockefeller haven't come in? They're gone. But what happened? Where the hell did they go? The search for these answers lies in a new mystery podcast called Gone. If you're fan of time suck, if you love mysteries, this podcast is full of them. The hosts of gone examine historic disappearances. The theories these disappearances have spawned, something disappeared, they're looking for it.

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that recap, to recap, it really sucked to not be cast like if you didn't care for not peeing, or if you didn't care for being burned alive. The end. No. Recap is after a few initial centuries of figuring out what it meant to be Christian, you know, how to organize and as a new religion in the first few centuries after the other Christ, a group of Christian Orthodox believers living within the Roman Empire began to model their church structure after Roman government, set up church administrative hierarchy, complete with bishops and many of the Roman cities, including Roman itself, and then Rome's bishop becomes the head bishop, you know, that becomes Pope, church morphs into the Vatican after emperor Constantine transitions the

official religion of the Roman Empire into the Christian Empire, and he helps add structure and governmental support to the new church, the council, Nicaea, successive emperors, minus Julian the apostate, also Christian, strengthened and support the early church. And again, I know this is an overview that skips over a lot of important councils and figures who did this or that, but this episode is already detail heavy. Don't need to clutter it up further. And then once the church is risen into a position of extreme power and influence, it keeps, or excuse me, it fights to keep that power and influence. That's what powerful and influential people and organizations and governments and

regimes almost always do, right? in order to keep a stranglehold On being the only official religion of the most powerful empire in the world It did what it felt and needed to do to squash out competition There are crusades designed to exterminate Muslims and sometimes also Jews and pagans and foreign lands Expand the various kings and queens and empires soldiers were essentially told that God will forgive them of all their wartime sins, because they're fighting for the glory of God. So kill them all, God will sort them out later. And then sometimes afterwards and sometimes alongside the crusades,

of which there were many that were inquisitions designed to squash out opposing theological thoughts from within the existing boundaries of nations. Under the influence of the Vatican. And the first formalized wide scale papal decreeed inquisition was used to wipe the catharsers out of southern France in the 13th century. Now, let's give a brief history of the land known now as the nation of Spain

to establish how the Spanish Inquisition went down. Spanish Inquisition belonged and especially brutal inquisition, kicked off about two centuries later. So let's dive deep into a time-sub timeline that will keep right on Marchin up and through Spanish inquisition. Shrap on those boots soldier, we're marching down a time-sub timeline. 1.4 million years ago start there

the earliest record of hominids living in western europe has been found in the Spanish cave of at the parka flint tool found their dates from one point four million years ago early human fossils date to roughly one point two million years ago which proves the tools existed before humans planted by space lizards the anunaki to keep, wake up humans, get off your knees. No, that's what they happen to find.

Before the Roman conquest, the major cultures along the Mediterranean coast were called Iberians, the Celts in the interior of Northwest. There was the Lusitanians in the West and the Tartesians in the Southwest, the Seafaring Phoenicians, Carthaginians, Greeks successfully, successively established trading settlements along the eastern and southern coast. The first Greek colonies, such as the one at Eporian, Emporian, Jesus.

We're found along the Northeast coast in the ninth century BCE, leaving the South coast open to the Phoenicians, the peoples whom the Romans met, the time of their invasion, and what is now known as Spain were the Iberians inhabiting an area stretching from the northeast part of the Iberian Peninsula through down to the southeast the Celts mostly inhabited the inner and northwest part of the peninsula The Greeks responsible for the name Iberia

Apparently the name and after the river Iber in the in the six century B.C.E the Carthaginians arrived in Iberia, struggling first with the Greeks shortly after with the newly arriving Romans for control of the Western Mediterranean. Their most important colony was Carthagnova, which is the Latin name of modern-day Cartagena. Now, in Spain, was the name used for the Iberian Peninsula under Roman rule, from the second century BCE.

The populations of the peninsula were gradually culturally Romanized, local leaders were admitted into the Roman aristocratic class, and then Christianity made its way into Spain around the time the Roman showed up, biblically according to Romans 1528, Roman Catholicism and Christianity as a whole began in Spain when Saint Paul went to his spania to teach the gospel there after visiting the Romans along the way. Attempts were made from the late 1st century to the late 3 third century CE to establish the new Christian church in the Iberian peninsula. After the fall of the Western Roman Empire and the fifth century, parts of hispania came under the control of the Germanic tribes and the Vandals, swibi, Visigoths, Visigoths, excuse me. In the years following, four ten C.E., Spain was taken over by the

Visigoths who had been converted to Aryan Christianity in an early off-shoot, around four nineteen. Aryanism being another early competitor to the modern Catholic Church. Now Aryanism asserts the belief that Jesus Christ is the son of God, who has been gotten by God the father at the point in time, is distinct from the father and is therefore subordinate to the father. And the Vizagosic Kingdom established their capital in Toledo, Spain, not Ohio. Ohio, popping out right now in Toledo, Spain, not Ohio. Ohio popping out right now in the story would really add an unnecessary level of confusion to this sec. Vizagoth ruled into the expansion of Arianism in Spain and then in 587 CE, record or

record. The Vizagothic King in Toledo was converted to Catholicism and launched a movement to unify doctrine. Catholics rejoiced everyone else trembled with fear. Within a few years of this conversion, surprise, surprise, followers of Aryanism labeled heretics. That's how you do shit, right? Along with local Jews, Aryans were forced to convert to Catholicism or be tossed the fuck out of the country or be savagely tortured and or killed,

which is probably being included in some burning. What's taking a minute? If marshmallows and chocolate bars would have existed back then I wonder if anyone would have ever like cooked up a little smore action all some hair tick was being burned alive It does seem like a waste of a perfectly good fire man. They set up these big fires You know that wasn't uh wasn't easy. I had to use a lot of wood. I'm sure You know why not cook some snacks up maybe get a shish krabov go action going maybe lean up a little grill on the side of the wood pile Cook up a steak a little extra sizzle that day. Then the seven century Islamic Arabs came

and they fucked up everything for the Iberian Catholics. The Pope was so mad, I don't want him to be here. And they came anyway. They were having so much fun, introducing people to the peaceful teachers of Christ and then burning them. They didn't jump on board, you know? And then the Muslims ruined it.

And 689 CE, the Moors, those Northern African Muslim nomads, conquered Malila, Malia, I believe it's how it's said. A city geographically located on the northwestern coast of Africa that I want to go to now. It's culturally connected to the Iberian Peninsula. It has been for many centuries. It's actually part of Spain today. Did you know that Spain possessed a tiny amount of land on the Northern coast of Africa? It's culturally connected to the Iberian Peninsula. It has been for many centuries. It's actually part of Spain today.

Did you know that Spain possessed a tiny amount of land on the northern coast of Africa? I did not. They have two little cities, northern Africa. They've been around forever. And Malia is one of them. It's less than five square miles in size. Just under 80,000 people live in there. And very close to the rest of Spain.

The straight-off Gibraltar, the gateway to the Mediterranean Sea from the Atlantic, that little opening that separates Europe from Africa is less than 20 miles across. By 709 CE, the Arabs had conquered Quetta, the other Spanish city, located in Africa. It's tiny bit bigger, just over seven square miles, just over 80,000 people. And then in 711 CE, the Muslims headed into Europe. They were sick of wearing robes and turbans, and they wanted to feel out what life was like

in the land of the banana hammock. They wanted to oil their bodies, lay out by the pool, wear tiny swimsuits that almost fully contain their balls. You know, stare at women gratuitously much younger than themselves as people do in southern Europe. But for real, they headed north in 711 CE. They crossed the Strains of Brawlter, started taking control of much of the Iberian Peninsula. By 718, Muslims dominated a lot of modern-day Spain.

And then over the next several centuries, the Muslims ruled over a lot of Spain under various Caliphs who were constantly fighting various Christian kingdoms, trying to push back into their territory. There was the Umei-ed Caliphate, and then there was the Abbasid caliphate. These Muslims now rule in a good deal of the peninsula in the southern half. And while the Muslims pushed the Christians out of much Spain, they never pushed them all the way out of it. There were still the Christian kingdoms in the north of Asturias, León, Castile, Navarre, Eragon, Portugal, and the central northern western portions of the peninsula.

And those medieval Christian nations fought a lot with each other. It really is crazy. How many different ways Europe has been carved up over the years? We just don't have an equivalent in North America. There was the American Indians, and then a few European colonial powers, laid claim to lands that they generally never governed in any real meaningful way.

Like a lot of American Indians would live their whole lives on land that had been claimed since before their birth by some European power and they would never meet a single European person. They would never encounter European culture in any way whatsoever. You know, they never even knew what laws are supposed to follow. But the medieval peasants, oh, they knew.

They knew what was going on. Their lives sucked. One day you're living under this Muslim caliph and the next day you're living under this new Christian king and then you're living under this Muslim caliph and the next day you live under this new Christian King And then you're living under a different king the next year practice a different version of Christianity then back to some other caliphs The next year and you have some you know asshole Lord of Baron to deal with you know some local dude Then you get a new Lord a new Baron and then maybe no afterwards then the old Baron comes back to be in the new Baron And you got this fuckhead ransack in your village one year some other asshole storm in your castle the next year

And then even when no one's ransacking anything you get you got the religious persecutions to deal with Every disease is incurable. No one owns a microwave. No one is selling gold bond body powder for especially humid days Balls are always a little fucking wet nitchie Zero air conditioning. No bug spray. No birth control, no maple bars, no apple fritters, lots of doctors who have serious hanker ins for amputations and leeches, fuck all of that. If I ever see a time machine, I'm gonna break it before someone goes back and ruin stuff. So thankful to live in the modern world, man. And then to make life even worse back then, there were inquisitions on top of all of that.

And things were especially turbulent on the Abearing Peninsula in the Middle Ages. In the 10th century, things got a tiny bit better for a little while, especially tolerant, new Muslim leaders, the caliphate of Cordoba, they passed laws regarding religious tolerance, allowing Jews, Christians, Muslims, all living peace together. I mean, non-Muslims would have to pay a special tax

to the caliph, but if they paid it, then they were allowed to live their lives, which was a good deal for the day. But the good deal didn't last long. Things got worse again in the 12th century. When a new, not as tolerant, caliphate comes into power, the Alma had caliphate, and suddenly Christians adjoys, they're fleeing for the lives.

And then after centuries of battle, between various Christian kingdoms and Muslim caliphates on the Iberian Peninsula, King Ferdinand, Queen Isabella show up. And they wrapped up this incredibly long period of fighting the Moors. The centuries long effort by Christian rulers to repel the Muslims back the fuck out of the peninsula appeared referred to by historians as their reconquista.

Finally ends in 1492 after a big bloody decade long military campaign against the Muslim Moors. The same year, you know, Columbus sailed across the Atlantic kicking off the European colonization of the Americas. Beginning of King and Ferdinand and Queen Elizabeth's campaign. There were approximately half a million moors in present-day Southern Spain over the next several years. 100,000 would die or be enslaved. 200,000, just got to fuck out.

And another 200,000 were still living in the area. King Ferdinand and Queen Elizabeth, they were not as tolerant to the remaining non-Christian citizens as the previous Muslim rulers had been to Christians and other non-Maslims. Also in 1492, the entire Jewish community of the peninsula, roughly 200,000 people will be thrown out by Ferdinand Isabella, but I'm gonna head of myself. I'm gonna head of myself.

The Inquisition started before that, 1478, so we should back up. And before we head back there, we need to talk about who these new monarchs were for a second. Who were King Ferdin and Anna Queen Isabella? Who were this monar, monaracle duo monarchy? Monarchial. Maybe that's better.

Well, honestly, like, like so many things we have to touch on for contacts in this episode, they deserve their own suck as well. Whenever I dig into medieval history, I began to understand my Dan Carlin podcast and up being like 15 hours long, talking about one historical event. There's just so much you can get wrapped up in. Well, remember all those little Christian kingdoms in the Northern portion of the Iberian Peninsula that have been fighting the Morse for centuries?

Well, in 1469, Ferdinand of Eragon, one of these places, Mary's Isabella of Castile, another one, thus beginning a cooperative reign that would eventually unite all the dominions of Spain and elevate the nation into a dominant world power. Ferdinand and Isabella incorporated a number of independent Spanish dominions into their new kingdom. In 1492, in the request, reconquest of Grenada from the Moors was completed, they had everything

but Portugal locked up. And Spain has held dominion over the vast majority of the Iberian Peninsula to this day. And they're still actually largely a Catholic country, you know, for Nen and Isabella, where the first Catholic monarchs of this new solidified nation and it remains very Catholic. Actually so Catholic contraception was still actually illegal until 1977, not getting. And that can be traced directly back to the reign of for Nen and Isabella, you know, the two joint monarchsle catholic there were actually called by a story of the catholic monocles if you google catholic monarchs

they come up first uh... there was a second cousins back when cousin fucking was hot is that it was encouraged not shunt lot of cousin fuckers pile up in the suck as we go in a historical less sucks not not being a smart design sign they weren't first cousin fuckers but but they were in children now to get a little that hot second cussion action. We all crave a desire.

Ferdinand was only 17 when they got married. Isabella was 61. She was 61 years old. You know what, if it's fair for men, it's fair for women. And she would bear him 12 children and her womb itself would fall out along with the last child.

That's ridiculous. He was 17, she was 18, I mean, I married. She was the heir apparent to the Kingdom of Castile. He was the heir apparent to the Kingdom of Ergon, and their union was the beginning of modern-day Spain. You know, even if technically Ergon and Castile were still separate kingdoms during their rule. Constitutional areas that made up Spain, Castile, Ergon, Catalonia, Valencia, Grenada,

when it was taken over, they were all separate entities, but through the marriage, they would all work together as one. And then their grandson, the Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V, he would officially unify the Spanish Empire years later. And why did these two monarchs launch what would have been the most infamous, or what would become, excuse me,

the most infamous inquisition the world had ever seen? Well, there's a lot of theories about this. One is that historians speculate about it to this day. To me, it seems pretty simple, but to me, it seems like, you know, first, there's the obvious answer because they were both super Catholic and they were in charge. And when you were Catholic and powerful, you wanted to keep your power.

And an inquisition was just one of the tools you had at your disposal to do that. Second, it was in their best interest to have cultural consistency. They were the first monarchs of what would be known as the Spanish Empire. They were coming out of an era of so much games of thrones, type turmoil. They were jointly ruling two kingdoms and have recently been composed of the, you know, of other kingdoms

and there have been centuries of constant change. They needed to solidify everything. Third, they were ambitious. You know, these are the monarchs who launched Columbus paved the way for Europe's entrance into colonization and epic plunder of the new world. And, you know, in order to not only stabilize but expand their empire, they needed everyone to be on the same team. And that team was going to be the Catholic team. And so they launched an acquisition to culturally homogenize and unify their new land to strengthen their new empire, which would allow them to colonize and then homogenize other lands and

strengthen it further. Forrest, you have to allow for the possibility they did genuinely believe yeah genuinely believe that through an inquisition through force adherence to the whole system they were doing that work and saving souls but i think that's a primary motivation no i don't know there's a lot of historical evidence that that was not the case uh... i do think the primary motivation was political as do uh... pretty much all historians but but that is just i guess you know somewhat opinion you can't know what was in their heart of hearts.

And there are a lot of other possibilities. If we went over all of them, pretty soon I'd be saying, and 33rd, there was this guy doing that thing, and this lady was pushing this agenda. There was a lot more. Anti-Semitism was a factor, as it always was, and basically Christian Europe Jews were constantly falling somewhere in between, being tolerated,

being persecuted. This was the acquisition was a way to get rid of some of them, all of them in an area. There was fear of another Ottoman invasion. You know, there was general bigotry by the people who were Catholic against people who were not Catholic. There were political rivalries that could be dispatched and disposed of through an acquisition, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

We don't need to dig into all of that. What was really interesting about the Spanish acquisition is that they were the ones who launched it. This was a new thing the Spanish Inquisition is that they were the ones who launched it. This was a new thing. This idea did not come from Rome. Actually, Rome didn't think it was a good idea. It came from Spain.

It came from the throne. The throne using Rome to control this population instead of the other way around. That's right. This Inquisition, unlike the previous one we talked about, it shut down the cathars, not launched by the papacy, Ferdinand, and Isabella launched one themselves. And the Pope was kind of, you know, his hand was kind of forced to go along with it. Church probably was, you know, in some ways more than happy to help, you know, they wanted to spread their religious empire

and then newly emerging Spanish superpower, you know, they made it for a good ally. So, so Pope Sixtus, the force he did sign off on this thing in 1470, and then shit got crazy. Pope Sixtus, by the way, pretty, pretty cool Pope, pretty famous Pope. His accomplishments as Pope included building the Sistine Chapel, the creation of the way pretty, pretty cool Pope, pretty famous Pope. His accomplishments as Pope included building the Sistine Chapel,

the creation of the Vatican Archives, pretty significant accomplishments, he was a patron of the arts, the group of artists that he brought together introduced the early Renaissance into Rome, you know, with the first masterpieces of the city's new artistic age. But, but at 1470, this one this shit really kicks off. Frey Alonzo de Oheida, a Dominican frar from Seville as the Queen's Ear, and he convinces her that there are a bunch of people in the Kingdom pretending to be Catholic, but really they're Jews.

And there's a lot of them. God knows what they're fucking talking about when they're holding their secret Jewish meetings. Probably talking about how tasty Christian babies are. Maybe talking about what demons they've been conjuring recently to take down the monarchy. Those are probably not accurate examples, but the point is he's worried. babies are. Maybe talking about what demons they've been conjured recently to take down the monarchy. There's probably not accurate examples, but the point is he's worried. He's worried about the secret Jewish people. So then in all this 1478, the R-ship Bishop of Seville actually writes up and delivers a report to Queen Isabella corroborating this friar's concerns.

Bunch of secret Jews hiding around working their Jew magic, using it against the kingdom. Now who knows how truly concerned Ferdinand is the below where we think of this report. You can make the historical argument that they, again, they were faithful Catholics, truly suddenly worried about an attack, you know, on the national faith from, you know, within their borders, or they could have thought, here's a good excuse to create the culture we want, to create a more deep-rooted loyalty to the Catholic throne, to only have Catholics in our land. Here's what they did next. They requested a papal bull and one of those official edicts establishing an inquisition in Spain in 1478 and respond to the practice of Judaism.

And in early 1478, Pope 6, just the fourth, he grants a bull permitting the monarchy to select an appoint two or three priests over 40 years of age to act as inquisitors. It's a little baby decrease given him. Okay, okay, you get a couple, you get a couple, all right? Do a little bit of inquisiting, but don't let's check it out of hand. I say granted this, but really he didn't have a real choice. The pope would have turned these powerful monarchs down, which they would make clear later, would not be good for the post future.

He wants to make this new burgeoning Catholic empire happy. Most historians agree that King Ferdinand pressured Pope Six's effort to agree the Inquisition controlled by the monarchy by threatening to withdraw military support at a time when the Turks were threat to Rome. Also, the Pope supposedly issued a bolt to stop the Inquisition a little bit later when he got out of hand, but then was pressured into withdrawing it. Now again, by the King and Queen threatening to withdraw support for the papacy. You know, it was like, let us weed out. Who the fuck we want to weed out or when those Muslims come knocking at your door? I guess you always have to pray them away because we're not going to have our soldiers

to help you. Well, Friar Tomas de Torque Mada, he is doing the title of Inquisitor General. His quest was to rid Spain of all heresy uh... the spanish chronicler a subashion the alimado or old me though uh... called him the hammer of her tics the light of spain the savior of his country the honor of his order and the drawings of cn this guy are exactly what i expected uh... him to look at like this dude uh... would have for sure executed me for hercy

uh... one smartass remark one wrong twinkle my eye eye, I get tortured and killed. He really, really didn't look like someone you wanted to be on their bad side. He puts off a serial killer vibe, actually. And in a way, that's kind of what he'd become. You know, instead of choking out prostitutes and a van, first time personal sexual satisfaction, you'd be torturing and burning heretics for, I don't know, possibly sexual satisfaction. Who knows what his personal reason was. Well, we'll have in two or three inquisitors isn't good enough for Ferdinand Isabella. So on November 1st, 1478, six is published as another payable bull, given them exclusive authority

to name new inquisitors, kind of at their discretion. Yeah, this is not good for anyone. For some reason, other than Ferdinand Isabella. For some reason, maybe because they didn't have texts and email back then and took long to meet up and agree on stuff and put plans into action. The first auto defay was held in Seville on February 6, 1481. So it took a couple years to get going.

And six people were burned alive for being heretics. And from there, the inquisition grew rapidly within the Kingdom of Castile by 1492. Tribunals existed in eight Castilian cities. Now the auto defay, that was the final step in the Inquisition process. Involved a Catholic mass, prayer, public procession of those found guilty, marched him down the street, and then a reading of their sentences.

An Inquisition usually began with a public proclamation of a grace period of 40 days. Anyone who was guilty or new of someone who was guilty was urged to come confess. If the accused were charged, then they were presumed guilty. So that was fun. You could be like, I saw Jane holdin' some kind of Jewish ritual in her house last night,

and then I heard her say she hated Jesus, and she fucked two sailors last week when her husband was at a town, and they would just be like, all right, guilty. Let's grab her. And Jane was like, but he's a liar. Prove it in court, Jane. Prove it in court.

For now, you're a disgusting Jewish slut. I'm simplifying, but not by much, man, guilty until proven innocent. It's because of shit like that that the whole innocent until proven guilty, that's why that's such a big deal for Americans, you know? Especially for early Americans. That's why they're such a huge new thing.

Because when they found out the United States, because it was somewhat of a foreign concept, in Europe a lot of times it was guilty until proven innocent. Officials could apply torture during the trial to get the info they desired or needed from the accused. We'll talk about that soon in a lot of detail. And quizzators were required to hear and record

all testimony proceedings will be kept secret. The identity of witnesses was not known to the accused. After the trial, officials proclaimed the prisoner's sentence and administered it in the auto-defeat. The auto-defeat was not an impromptu event. It was the thoroughly orchestrated event. Preparation would begin a month in advance. Only occurred when the Inquisition Authorities believed

there was enough prisoners in a given community or city to have a kind of spectacle. The ritual would take place in public squares. Last several hours with ecclesiastical and civil authorities and attendants, boarding the city's plaza, an all-night vigil could be held, you know, with prayers ending in mass daybreak,

and then breakfast feast will be prepared for all of the joint and that's so weird to me. Gonna be a long day everybody, gonna be a lot of build up to a horrific mass execution. So, let's load up on some brekkie. Come on, let's get some craps. Breakfast burritos, maybe some eggs, banny. Let's load up, come on.

Not gonna get a chance to grab a meal again to laughter all those heritics are burned to a crisp speaking of that let's try some chicken chicken waffles why not breakfast these time uh... the ceremony of public pendants uh... the began with the procession of prisoners uh... they bore elaborate visual symbols on the garments and bodies the served to identify the symbols the specific acts of treason, you know, of the accused,

whose identities were kept secret until the very last moment. In addition, the prisoners, they usually had no idea what the outcome of their trial would be until the very last moment, to all their sentencing. How fucking nervous are you? Everyone else is hitting the breakfast buffet and you don't know, you know, like, they're loading up on orange muffins and bacon.

You don't know if you're just gonna be whipped a little bit and then allowed to go home or burned alive in a few hours. The prisoners were taken outside to the city walls to a place called the burning place, which is fun. You don't have a little designated spot for burning people. That's where the sentences will be read. Prisoners will be either then acquitted. The ones who were acquitted, they would fall their knees and relief. I bet they would, a lot of thankful tears in that situation.

And then they condemned, would you just be punished in front of everyone? It wasn't always burning. You know, it varied. It could be, you know, some, you get flage-ladded, you get some whipping for a while. You know, and then that was like the light end, and then the heavy end was being burnt. That was the, that was the lead-off single of the hit Inquisition album, the old burn-in-the-stake. That was the main, that was the lead off single of the hit inquisition album the old burn into stake That was that was the main that was the main favorite 1483 in addition to the Inquisition Ferdinand starts kicking Jews out of southern Spain as we said earlier

More inquisitions are held in more towns. They they set up in town and a new court be announced like the 30-day grace period for Confessions and the gathering of accusations by neighbors Evidence that was used to identify a crypto-jew as they call them those secret Jews Would include stuff like the absence of chimney smoke on Saturdays. Because that could be a sign that a family might be secretly honoring the Jewish Sabbath. Or if somebody bought too many vegetables before Passover at the market, or if they bought some meat from a converted butcher, might have to get them an inquisitioned. And again, the court employed physical torture

to extract confessions, man. Crypto a lot of crypto Jews were allowed to confess and then do penance, but then if they relapse, they were usually burned at the stake, they got like one chance, they got burned. Interestingly note on the evidence they would use to find a crypto Jews man. Again, sometimes people living in Spain

at this time really did adhere to Jewish customs again, this stuff is just so crazy me. And a lot of the people that may have been doing things that made them appear Jewish, they had, they had no idea those things were like aligned with Jewish heritage because they didn't know about their heritage. They would get, they would get killed for adhering to a custom. They didn't know as Jewish because their parents or grandparents hadn't told them they were Jewish to help them not be killed. Because there are a lot of times you know like their parents or grandparents maybe were Jewish and then there was a change in the guard and the interest of self preservation that

they stopped adhering to the Jewish face, stopped talking about it, but they still had their own kind of just family customs. Maybe it's a meal and diet and other types of customs. Every family has their favorite meals and no traditions, right? Well, what if your tradition of a big family dinner on Saturday, a tradition that really just was a family dinner had no religious meaning anymore, suddenly got you killed for being a crypto-jew heretic.

That really happened to a lot of people, just murdered over religious paranoia. Think about how many people have died in the history of the world due to nothing more than religious paranoia. What a sad waste of life. New Pope shows up in 1484, Pope innocent eight, about how many people have died in the history of the world due to nothing more than religious paranoia. What a sad waste of life. New Pope shows up in 1484, Pope innocent in the eighth. He's not a big fan of all their heretic torture.

He's been going on in Spain. He doesn't care for it. And he feels it's a bit too much. As he gave a speech, he's like, it's just too much. I feel it's just too much burning. Now, he didn't give a speech, but, you know, but he just felt like maybe it wasn't the best way to bring people into the faith. Vatican, you know, it's been getting sent a lot of letters from Catholics over in the

Iberian Peninsula saying that it's just shunned out of hand. And a lot of people being tortured and killed that are actually good Catholics. They haven't done anything. So he issues a new decree allowing Catholics in Spain, if they are accused of heresy, they can appeal directly to the Vatican to have their case looked at by an outside source, by someone other than a bloodthirsty Spanish sadist. Well, King Ferdinand doesn't like that. This is his and Isabella's party, and no one's going to ruin it.

No one's going to crash it. So in December 424, he decrees death and confiscation to anyone, trying to make use of that procedure without royal permission. That's my fucked up. He's like, yes, you can, yes, you can talk to the church and Rome, if you want your case to look dead. But if you appeal directly to them, we're gonna kill you,

and you have to go through us. And obviously, we're not gonna let them know what you send to us, because we wanna kill you. We would like to do it our way. So people start getting pissed off by this kind of stuff, they start getting riled about these inquisitions. There's a revolt against them in Eragon and 475.

And then one of the inquisitors gets murdered that year and then the public turns back in favor of the inquisitions. It's fucking idiots. Yeah, they start to revolt and then one of the inquisitors killed and like, oh no, but we don't want that to happen. I guess that's just okay. All right, maybe they're doing the right thing. Let's just let it go back to what it was. The inquisition was extremely active between 14 18 15 30 different sources give different estimates of the number of trials and executions this period. All right, maybe they're doing the right thing. Let's just let it go back to what it was. The Inquisition was extremely active between 14 and 18 and 15 and 30. Different sources give different estimates of the number of trials and executions this period. Some estimate about 2000 executions. Some many more actually.

The great majority of these believe to be of people of Jewish origin, old church documents, put 91.6% of those judge and Valencia between 14 and 54 and 1530 and 99.3% of those judge in Barcelona between 424 and 1505 is being of Jewish origin. So clearly there's some anti-Semitic stuff going on. Now if you wonder why some Jewish people were tortured and killed and others were tossed out of the country, I found out why that was.

I found this very interesting. Under the law, they had only people claiming to be Christians could be subjected to an Inquisition. Like if you were openly Jewish, you couldn't be put under Inquisition. However, you could be thrown just to fuck out. So some Jewish people and some Muslim people, as well, would claim to be Christian

in order to avoid being expelled from the country. Also at various times, there was very unfavorable taxes imposed upon non-Christian. So you had financial incentive to claim that you were Catholic, and then you would just hope and pray that no one read it you out, and you suffered the consequences. In 1502, the Inquisitional Court chiefs focused a little bit to Muslims, and to secret Muslims now, instead of the Jews. This happens after decree on February 14, 1502, where Muslims in Grenada suddenly had

to choose between conversion to Christianity or expulsion, and it goes on for many years. 1560 and the tribunal of Grenada, in between 1560 and 1571, 82% of those accused were Marisco, Spanish moors, who'd accepted Christian baptism. Also in the 16th century, Protestants began to show up in Spain, not in large numbers, but here and there. After Martin Luther's Reformation in 1517, suddenly there's all new types of Christians and guess what? Even though they're not Catholic, still eligible for an Inquisition.

Oh, anti-baptist, fucking you qualify. Get in there. Get in the rack. Go on, get in there. Homosexuals were targeted as well. The first Sodomite was burned by the Inquisition in Valencia in 1572, and those accused, including 19% clergy, 6% nobles, 30% percent workers, 90% servants, and 18% soldiers and sailors.

And that's those accused of Sodomite. That was something that could get you thrown into an Inquisition. Nearly all of almost 500 cases of Sodomite between persons concerned, the relationship between an older man and an adolescent often by coercion with only a few cases where the couple were consenting homosexual adults. So that makes it extra sad. A lot of times it was somebody praying on some young fucking boy, and then they would both be in trouble.

About a hundred of the total of the involved allegations involved child abuse, adolescents were generally punished more leanly than adults, but only when they were very young under like 12. Or when the case clearly concerned rape. That's the only time that a chance to avoid punishment altogether. As a rule, the Inquisition condemned death only to those Saddamites over the age of 25 years. As about half of those tried, we're under this age, you know, I guess that explains

that the relatively small percentage of death sentence is handed down for that. Usually they were just tortured for a while. And then the Spanish acquisition was limited, excuse me, was not limited to just Spain. Wherever Spain went, like Latin and South America, the Inquisition went with it. In Mexico City, during the 1590s, there was a wave of persecutions stretched out over a decade.

Its victims even included some kind of high ranking people, like Don Luis de Cavajal, he was a colonial governor of New Mexico, him and his family, were died because of an inquisition. 45 suspected heretics were executed by waving inquisition in Mexico in 1601 alone. Later all the way forward in the 18th and 19th centuries, Freemasons were targeted. Those boys, club members, we talked about in bonus timesuck 15, timesuck 69. The Roman Catholic Church regarded Freemasonry as heretical.

It started in 1738, they decree this, and the suspicion of Freemasonry was potentially a capital offense. Spanish Inquisition records revealed two prosecutions in Spain, only a few more throughout the Spanish Empire didn't happen a lot, but it did happen. In 1815, Francisco Javier de Mier, Ecampio, the Inquisitor General of Spanish Inquisition

and the Bishop of Almeria, suppressed Freemasonry, denounced the lodges and societies which led to atheism, to sedition, and to all errors and crimes. He then instituted a purge during which Spaniards could be arrested on the charge of being suspected of Freemasonry. In 1818, Manuel Santiago Vavar, tried in Cordoba, was the last person to be tried for being a crypto Jew during the Spanish Inquisition. And then on July 26, 1826, the last Inquisition of any kind was held in Spain. The Spanish Inquisition came to an end. It condemned and executed, actually.

The school teacher, Cayetano, repul for teaching heretical religious principles. The church wanted them burned, but civil authorities chose to hang him instead. They were like, well, look, well, let's ya kill him. We're not gonna burn him. We're, we've evolved past that. And that, that last death takes us out of this time of timeline. Good job, soldier.

You made it back. Barely. You've made it back barely. You've made it back barely. Okay, so before I conclude my thoughts on all this, let's dig into what you know. You're really wanted to hear on this suck. You wanted to hear about some torture. I mean, that is what the Spanish Inquisition is really infamous for, just outlandish torture. The horrible things done to these poor people

for hundreds of years. So let's take a look at some of the ways they would gather confessions with today's super scary stuff. Super, super, super. To elicit the confessions, the inquisitors we're looking for, the accused were tortured. Tell them what they want to hear, admit that your mother or father or neighbor, whoever is also a secret Jew or a secret Muslim or a blasphemer or a satamai

or whatever, and the pain will stop. Give us name your rabbi, give us name your Imam, admit that you're not a Christian. Admit that you worship Nimrod, say it, hail Nimrod, say it, admit your devotion to the great space to ask, watch, Tupacabra thingy, admit your allegiance to the giant God with sons for eyes, rides black unicorn the one who holds the alpha to megan

is ball sack and hell in his but hole or is it luciferina you worship the great seductress satan sister is that whose curvy body you bow down before say it heretic say hey luciferina and if you think well why didn't people just say what the inquisitors wanted them to say and they have the torture stop's because they admitted to her say there was a real chance that while the torture would stop they would also then be burned alive. Now, technically the confession obtained under torture was not valid. The inquisitors were supposed to wait a day to get the confession again when the accused was not in the middle of being tortured, but you know damn well that they would just be tortured again as they

didn't mess up. So it's a really what's the difference. And I just don't believe all the historical accounts accounts taken by the tortures of how this went down. You know that there were cases when the rules just weren't followed at all. It just became pure unadulterated satism. People just, you know, using the inquisition to further their own local political motivations or whatever. People just using it to, you know to be able to be sadists and somehow have feel like they were, God was allowing them to do that. A lot of people died from the torture.

We're not supposed to, but they did. So what method of torture did the priests implement? Well, starvation was a common torture tactic. Now, I feel like starvation doesn't get taken as seriously as other forms of torture. It's not as sexy, but it doesn't elicit the same type of fear as other more extreme forms of torture like the rack or you know Some other kind of medieval shit, but think about just being chained to a wall, which was a thing that happened

You know, we're stuck in a cage Which also happened and just not being given food. Just how horrific just that alone would be Not being physically tortured. You're just not given anything to eat. How bad would just that make you want to confess? I don't think I've ever gone one full day ever in my life without some kind of food. Like I hate it when you have a dental or you have a doctor's appointment and you're not supposed to eat for like 12 hours.

You know, before you go in, whenever that happens, I always eat as close to the 12 hour mark as possible. Like I just push it right to the minute so I can be the least hungry, you know, and feel the least crazy when I go into the appointment. And then as soon as I'm done, oh, fucking first place I go, what is the nearest restaurant?

Does the hospital have a cafeteria? I'm there. It's time to snack it up. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to go to several days with no food. I don't feel like I would last for a long time. I feel like I'd make it to maybe like four or five day mark tops. And I just start confessing to whatever shit they want.

Especially like you imagine like you're really hungry. What else they just put like a steak, perfectly cooked in season steak, just out of your reach. And just let the smell hit you. Maybe just a little fan, waff the odor back towards you. That right there is crazy torture. But it gets much worse.

That's the beginner level. That's level one torture in position, which to me is still really bad. But then, you know, we kick it up a notch. Another torture method was called foot roasting. It'll foot roasting, and it is exactly as bad as it sounds. Especially if you're one of those people's sensitive feet, like meh, my grandpa is one of these people.

You could mess around with my grandpa's kid who's a very laid back dude I like to lay in his recliner you could you know come by and walk him on the arm or whatever He'd kind of wrestle with you little bits. I like not like chicken tail wrestling, but you know be feisty It's fun grandpa, but man if you take of his feet rage like like it wasn't like ah ha ha We're having fun, but don't do that. It was like do not do that do not do that just drove him mad and It wasn't like, we're having fun, but don't do that. It was like, do not do that. Do not do that. Just draw the mat. And this is way worse than that.

Remember, again, these are all things being done to people who have not been convicted of anything. They've just been accused. So you know, that a lot of just like, you know, innocent people, the alleged heretic would have to sit or lay behind this wooden rack device and their bare feet were secured in stock so they couldn't, you know, move their legs,

they couldn't, you know, stop the people from doing what they were doing. The soles of their feet would be based with lard or oil and then slowly barbecued over a brisier, which is a container used to hold burning coals. A screen could sometimes be interposed between the feet and the coals to kind of modulate the exposure while the bellows, which was the device used to shoot out hot blasts of air, controlled the intensity of the flame. So they would just like get it,

like just just like a crazy amount of pain and back off a little bit, maybe get some blisters, then light you up a little bit again, because they wouldn't want, I'm sure they were like fucking sadist artists with this stuff. They wouldn't want to, you know, to cause you so much pain,

that you would just go into shock or just pass out, they would want to keep you like it max pain, you know, for just days on end. And some people would be literally driven insane by the intensity of this pain, like they wouldn't be executed, but they would never mentally be the same again after being tortured this way. Variance of this included placing slivers of hot coals in between people's toes. Fuck. God, you ever got like a sandal burn when you wear flip flopflop and between your big toe and whatever the toe is next to your big toe? Oh man that hurts.

And this is like next level. This is like 10 levels beyond it. Foot roasting, man. It, yeah, they did just so many different, yeah, just kinds of things, man, they would apply a close iron sometimes to the soles of feet. Oh, very, very rough, very, very rough. Another former torture that was actually developed specifically for the Inquisitions was the Strapato. Now this thing in one version,

the hands of the accused were tied behind their back. And then the rope was looped over a brace in the ceiling of the chamber, whatever they were interrogating them. It was attached to a pulley. And then the subject would just slowly be raised, little by little, so your hands are back, like how a police officer would handcuff you behind your back,

just like that, but then imagine a rope being replaced around the handcuffs, and then you're being slowly lifted by your shoulders, essentially, and that's so awkward and uncomfortable. And just that alone would sometimes cause people's shoulders to be pulled know that's so awkward and uncomfortable and just that alone would sometimes cause you know people's shoulders to be pulled out from their sockets. I don't know if you've ever dislocated your shoulder or even had a mild shoulder sprain,

I had a mild shoulder sprain, that shit hurts, it's terrible. Sometimes tortures would add a series of drops, right, so they could like lift you up and then suddenly like drop you but not let you hit the floor. So like boom, like all that weight is and pull it even further on your shoulder joints. Weight could be added to the ankles and feet to make the hanging even more painful, you know, pulling your body even further

against your shoulder socket. And it just didn't kill you, which is really sad, you know, even if you got let go, it's fucked you up for life. It's not like they had physical therapists back then. It's not like they had surgeons specialized in rotator cuff repair. So even if you don't confess, you get let go,

you don't get burned to the stake, you're not gonna be skipping stones with the same velocity like you used to, down by the pond. You're not gonna be swinging a hammer as hard after that. Now, your fucking shoulders are messed up forever. The rack, the rack was another well known torture method associated with the inquisition.

The subject would have his hands or feet tied or chained to rollers, you know, like both ends of a wooden or metal frame, and then the torture would just turn the rollers with the handle, which would just, you know, pull the chains of ropes and increments, stretch these subjects, joints, you know, often obviously until they were dislocated, not just shoulders this time. Uh-oh, no start hips, knees, elbows, all that shit. You can have it's ligaments shredded as a torture, you know, really puts a muscle on it, really continued turning those rollers, you know, you could have your arms and legs

actually be torn off. Uh, I guess often simply just watching someone else be tortured in that way and torture on the rack was enough to make other people confess. I bet. While the accused heretics were on the stropado or the rack, inquisitors often applied other torture devices to their bodies. These included heated metal pinchers, thumb screws. Oh, man. Boots or other devices designed to burn pinch. Otherwise, mutilate people's hands, feet, bodily orifices. Jesus man, you're stretched on the rack. Maybe get a little screw being put

in your eyeball. Ah, although mutilation was technically forbidden, uh, long before these banishing acquisition in 1256 Pope Alexander IV to create that inquisitors could also clear each other from any wrongdoing, uh, that might have went on during the torture session. So really it's like, and there's an easy loophole there. It's like, all right, we weren't supposed to mutilate, but are you going to prosecute me? No? Okay, well cool, I'm not gonna prosecute either. All right, well then we're good, then we're good.

They can do what they wanted. Okay, now it gets even worse. There was the Judas Cradle, also known as the Judas Chair, a torture device invented in the 16th century Spain for the Spanish Inquisition. This shit is rough. A naked victim was forced to sit on top of sharp,

pointed like a pyramid like seat. The pointy end would go into the anus or vagina of the victim my god Right, so there's just like like that like this pyramid thing Excuse me, man. So I have crazy indigestion You you sit on this on this pyramid seat and you sit on it but naked and You're sitting down so that the little sharp top of the pyramid is either pushed into your anus or pushed into your vagina and then and you would and you would be suspended by ropes initially so initially it wouldn't be your whole body weight on this And then the you'd be slowly lowered by the system of ropes so more and more of your weight is now, you know being held just by your either anus or

is now being held just by either your anus or vagina. And obviously the pyramid is pushing further and further inside of you as you're lowered. And then after you're fully lowered, you could also have like weights added to your ankles up to pull you even harder down on this pyramid. You could end up being impaled by it. You could quite literally be ripped a new asshole by this device.

Fuck. Wow. Man, there was a thing known as Newton's Orbs. This is where a man would have to stand facing a wooden rack. He'd be tied to it at the waist, sent the legs, secured him, tied it to the rack, and then his testicles would be pushed through a small hole in the wood. Two metal balls on strings would swing down, you know, like swing down from the side and hit his testicles, like one metal ball hitting the right testicle. Shortly after that, a second metal ball comes down

from the left, hits the left testicle, and then the strings pulled back up again. So then the balls could just hit the accused again and again and again, not hard enough to rupture them, but hard enough to cause the victim to vomit from pain. Some cases would go on for days. The alleged heritage passing out, back and forth, going back and forth between consciousness

and unconsciousness. There was a women's only torture device as well, like the women's version, I guess. Well, I guess this could be used as a man, but as most women is the Jupiter's twist. Now with Jupiter's twist, similar to Newton's orbs, the accused would be tied to a wooden rack facing it. This time the accused breasts were exposed with two holes,

you know, so the inquisitors could do what they wanted the other side. And what they do is they take a long sharp ivory needle like stick and they would push it through the heretics nipples. And then the priest would just use the leverage provided by the strong piece of ivory to slowly twist the nipple. You could just twist it. Sometimes they would make it up to five full rotations of twist before the nipple would eventually completely dislocate from the breast.

At which point the accused would often, more often than not, be forced to eat it. It have to eat their nipple. Now another popular torture device is known as the preposterous lie, and that's a device employed by me often on this show where I trick listeners into believing horrific nonsense. Nonsense such as Newton's orbs and the Jupiter's Twist's Orcs. Those are ridiculous, but to be fair, not more horrific than other real torture methods. So I like to amuse myself,

I like to pretend that someone just had enough of this episode they couldn't handle, they could chew it as descriptions, they turned it off and they will forever think about Jupiter's Twist. They'll have to think about Spanish sequircy, but in some, doing some nipple twist. Which they probably did actually.

The Spanish donkey, that was a real one. It was just as awful as Jupiter's twist. Victims would be forced to sit on a wooden wedge, sometimes covered in spikes, with their feet left dangling on the other side of the saddle, la! Sometimes weights would be added to the victim's feet man, and they could be cut down the middle potentially.

There was the knee splitter. This was a terrifying device that saw pictures of, like a torture museum sometimes have this device. It resembled the gaping job like a razor tooth creature. It's like, worked as a vice. You'd have the victims leg would be placed in between, this, you know, vice between two rows of spikes and then they would just crank those two rows of spikes

closer and closer together. They'd been mechanically drawn closer together and so the spikes would be driven into the front and the back of one's knee simultaneously. People wouldn't die from that one, but they would be permanently crippled. You know, they'd be rendered useless to society for the rest of their sad medieval lives. And that is enough for today's super scary stuff. Alright, no idiots of the internet say, I know, I know, boo, boo! It's terrible, I know, but I just wasn't feeling it with this one. I needed a break.

I'll bring it back. I'll bring it back next week with Gary Ridgeway. Gotta make you miss it here and there, Or you'll just take it for granted. So crazy stuff, right? Man, so many people died or crippled or at the very least fall sea cues and tortured because some 15th century monarchs were worried about Jews and Muslims rising up against their Catholic rule. We'll never know how many people were affected by the Spanish acquisition. Victim numbers very wildly. Estimates of range from 30,000 to 300,000 people dying during the Spanish acquisition.

Some historians are convinced actually that millions died. So I should have said most estimates, you know, we're between 30 and 300,000. The Catholic Church itself only admits to about 1,300 people dying and about 125,000 total people being put on trial. Part of what makes it hard to nail down specific numbers is due to the church only counting victims from church, sanct and inquisition tribunals. And that only accounted for a part of the inquisition. There was a lot of non-sanction tribunals, doling out torture murder over the years, which

is even scary in a way. And it makes you appreciate the whole innocent until proven guilty thing we have, right? I mean, it does for me. I get a little judge like all humans do, and certain people are accused of certain crimes, you know, like rape or pedophilia or child murder, you know, that kind of shit. I get real inquisitional real quick. I want to put them on the rack. I want to put hot colds in between their toes.

I want to make them sit on Judas chair. I want to get out, you know, fucking the juper's twist, juper's twist, you know, and I want to do it right now. But you've got to give them due process. We don't want to ever kick off another round of inquisitions. Another reminder of how bad today also is, excuse me, another reminder today is, or another thing we went over today,

God, I can't speak, is just how bad the Jews had it throughout basically the entirety of European human history. Like we know about the Holocaust, you know, we all know about that, except Holocaust deniers who are, you know, they've gone to an unbelievably irrational kind of flat, earth-remental place, making it pointless to even try to reason with them,

but for us rational people, you know, we know about the Holocaust. Uh, but it turns out to Spanish inquisition, another real low point for the Jewish people. A lot of historians believe that over 90% of all of the victims of the Spanish inquisition were either of Jewish descent, were Jews, or were thought to have been Jews. Uh, I've heard Christians joke around about the Jews being responsible for the death that Christ, you know, but that was one dude.

You know, okay, Senegal, but still one. How many Jews have now been killed, you know, overall by supposed Christians, especially in Europe, man, millions and millions and millions, crazy. Just not a reminder why anti-Semitism is something to be taken seriously. Historically, anti-Semitism has gotten way out of hand many times, many, many, many times. So let's get the hell out of here. Time for some top five takeaways. Time, suck, tough, five takeaway.

Number one, the first inquisitions took place a few hundred years before the Spanish inquisitions back in the 12th century, and then inquisitions continued all the way up until the 19th century. Had a good long run, so's hope they never make a comeback. Number two, the Iberian Peninsula was tough place to live for a few thousand years. So many kingdoms, so much turnover, so much war.

And then when it finally achieved some sort of long-lasting political stabilization, the inquisitions happened. Number three, birth control was illegal in Spain, still in 1976. That is fucking crazy. Number four, the Judas Cradle. That's how some real people real human beings You know as real as you or I met their fate close are taking off force to sit naked atop a sharp pointed pyramid seat Your butthole of a giant is pressed down a spiky tip and you sit on that naked Not sure what be worse for you ladies vagina or butthole I I

Bet buttholes worse, right? I feel like women seem obviously much more reluctant to allow something to penetrate their buttholes than their vaginas. You know, your vaginas design for entry while your butthole is not. And you had weights added to your feet slowly pulling the tip deeper inside of you stretching you apart. Are you cringing yet? Man, let's not ever bring that back.

As bad as being burned at the stake sounds. I think I tap out at the Judas cradle and just beg to be burnt. I don't ever wanna be burned alive, but if I'm giving a choice and the only choice is Judas cradle or burned alive, I'm like, oh, fuck, let's light it up. Slide it up.

Number five, new info. Was almost all of this episode, that I talked about, all the things I talked about just other bullshit. That's what some Spanish historians are recently claiming. The Hispanic Civilization Foundation, a group of historians, academic, Spanish, nationalists, they've created an organization to dispel what they consider to be historical myths about

Spanish culture. They're very serious about it. For more than 500 years, they say that their country's past has been disfigured and distorted by propaganda spread by its former opponents and rivals. The so-called Leyenda Negra, a black legend, has been spun by chroniclers in England and the Netherlands, supposedly sought to depict the Roman Catholic enemies as unusually cruel and bloodthirsty, and they wanted to exaggerate the brutality of the Spanish Empire and the Inquisition. According to their foundation, Spaniards have spent far too long feeling guilty and ashamed of their past

and worrying about how they're seen by the rest of the world and a lot of this is propaganda lies. And they're not just pissed about the inquisition to piss about how Spanish conquistadors have been portrayed as well. You know, they've argued that Hernán Cortez and Francisco Pizarro that they brought about a far more humanitarian system to the Aztec and Inca empires, you know, that they conquered and they previously had there. You know, they're saying that Cortez and Pizarro wanted to territories that, you know, where people were doing stuff

like Prax and human sacrifice. You know, Cortez had no problem aligning himself with these indigenous peoples who saw the Spanish liberators from Aztec oppression. And things were even worse with the Incas, whose empire was very totalitarian. And you know, and they were, they were, they were freedom fighters, they weren't oppressors. And you know, and I see their points on one side, but also on the other side, shut the fuck up. No one is pissed at modern spaniards. What are you doing?

For what went on with the Aztecs or what went on during the Spanish acquisition? You're really carrying around, loving people get that wrapped up in history when they're like, they're carrying, they're sick of carrying around the shame of their name being, you know, dragged through the mud. There's enough of it.

Why are people ashamed by the past that way? I don't like personally ashamed. Like I don't understand people who identify that strongly with the dirty deeds of their distant ancestors. Like if I found out that my great, great, great, great, great, grandpa was a slave owner, I wouldn't think, oh, fuck, I gotta change my life's course now. Gotta do nothing but apologizing from here on out.

I gotta make this shit right. No, I know, wasn't me, wasn't born yet. What are you talking about? I had nothing to do with that shit. And on top of that, I was born poor. So I didn't get like a financial leg up or nothing out of it. You know, I worry about the shit I do.

The shit I've done. And honestly now as a parent, I worry about the shit my kids do and may do. You know, but if like my dad even, you know, and kills somebody next week, I'm not gonna apologize to anyone. No, yeah, I'm like, that's his deal.

Sorry, tough break, you know, yeah, he's a hot head, always has been, yeah, he should have been locked up years ago. You know, I'm not surprised, but don't yell at me, he's grown as man, that's what everyone wants. You know, why are these people worried about what others may think about their ancestors, cry babies?

It is interesting how history works though, especially history before we get, you know, we were able to record it through video. So much of it, you know, written by somebody with an agenda that isn't reporting the truth at all costs. Well, regarding the Spanish acquisition, I do think it happened. I do think it happened and I do think it was just as bad as everything I've described today.

And that is what most historians believe. And I think this is it for this week's Top 5 takeaways. Time, Chuck, top five takeaways. Spanish Inquisition has been sucked. So much torture. It's fun to dig back into European history again. Gotta get some more world history on the suck. So fascinating to me how all of our nations have been formed.

You know, so interesting how many cultures there are in this one big rock and how they just sound they're just constantly morphing and changing. Don't forget to grab my new album, maybe on the problem on iTunes, Amazon, and Google Play. If you're a Santa fan, it's available at all the usual digital suspects down very proud of it. The review is so far, been pretty good.

Pretty good. Thanks to Harmony Velocamp, Jesse Dobner, Lindsey Cummins, Josh Crowe, entire time-suck team for their help and huge thanks to Maddie, the heater, teeter, Bojangles Research Department official intern for doing some great research. Would not have known about the Judas cradle without you, Maddie. Next week, Gary Ridgeway, the Green River Killer, convicted of 49 murders that occurred between

1992 and 1998 in the Pacific Northwest. He supposedly confessed over 70 murders, thought to have killed over 90 people. He's almost as bad as a Spanish and quizr. According to Wikipedia, he had a bed wedding problem until he was 13 and his mother would wash his genitals after every episode. If you're a parent and your kids are bedwaters, don't fucking do that.

Don't wash their dick or a VJ. Uh-uh, let him wash it themselves. He would later tell a defense psychologist that it is adolescent to you at conflicting feelings of anger and sexual attraction towards his mother, fantasized about killing her. So it seems like she at least helped him become a serial killer.

Interesting to find out of all this is true. This is just a quick little glance with a pdf. We're gonna do a much, much deeper dig for this next week's suck. Looking forward to a serial killer suck. Is that weird to say? You know, my brain is tired from the past several sucks. They've been very tough to research. Biographies always a little more straightforward.

Thanks for following by the way, on such a wide range of topics, man, downloads are pretty consistent now, which is just incredible to me. Because this is not how you're supposed to do a podcast. Time suck, I get why people pass on the concept, it's not good for marketing. What is it, is it a history podcast? What is it?

Is it a true crime podcast? Is it a paranormal podcast? A theology podcast? What the fuck is it? It's time suck motherfucker. It Is it a is it a paranormal podcast? A theology podcast? What the fuck is it? It's time suck motherfucker. It's following the past curiosity about the world around us and to be honest It does tend to folks we've been on the dark side of the world around us Sorry, that's just what I'm drawn to but it's just about a better everything interesting about learning new stuff about anything that is interesting And now let's find out what you suckers have been drawn to this past week with some time sucker updates

suckers have been drawn to this past week with some time sucker updates. Updates, get your time sucker updates. All right, shadow people update first, always creepy. This one is from Spooked Time Sucker, Grand Huddleson. Grand writes, Hail Suck Master Profit of Nimrot. My brother and I have been listening to Suck for a few months now trying to catch up. We are farmers in California, that's awesome. I don't know why I was getting excited about

like farmers seems like a cool job. And other night, you know, there was a shadow people episode while we were irrigating at night. Oh man, that's the wrong one for that. I was in the middle of a pitch black area trying to get through it, but I couldn't. I know how you feel when you said that it freaked you out. Being alone announced at night surrounded by only trees and darkness waiting for the slow,

moving water. Oh, so you were in a ditch. Sorry, that one, you were a ditch at night. Oh my God. With nothing to do, but listen to you scare yourself, scared me. I had to wait until the next day to listen to the suck again, because I don't skip episodes. Oh, that's hilarious, you had to stop listing. No, man, I get it.

You're just like, you're something you're just like me, where I can talk real tough during the day, and then I get real scared at night. Thanks for making a community that I feel like I belong to. My brother and I talk about episodes every day. Oh, that's awesome. And both comment on how we feel like we know you and our friends with you because you come into our ear holes and suck at episodes every day. Oh, that's awesome. And both comment on how we feel like we know you and our friends with you because you come into our ear holes

and suck at us every day. Can't wait to see a form and sacrament on a few weeks. We hope to finally meet Lord of Suck. Even though we feel like we've been friends for a while now. Keep on sucking. Well, you will meet me. I talked to everybody who comes to the shows, after the show, we shake up his hand, all that.

And you know, it is interesting. I feel like a lot of you guys listening, those of you who have listened to the whole catalog, in a way you do know me more than most of my friends have ever known me. It's kind of a weird thing with podcasts, and when you put yourself in a mental space, where you almost pretend like no one's ever gonna hear

what you're saying, even though everybody hears it. So I've talked to other podcasts, that way it's kind of a weird thing. So you do know me. Now, sweet message from kindhearted time-soaker Rachel Hoffman, who says, hi there Dan, Michigan Time Sucker Rachel. Here to tell you how much of a difference you make, I had the opportunity to see your stand-up show in Detroit in February.

And you had the opportunity to have my very drunk boyfriend, swoon over you since your show. I have Marathon's Time Suck and listen to every episode while at my terrible desk job, you dearest Dan, are the light in the dark, mundane, and monotonous days. Even when I don't think that I will be interested in a topic, I listen anyway and find myself endlessly amused. I never thought of myself as an avid learner, dark mundane and monotonous days. Even when I don't think that I will be interested in a topic,

I listen anyway and find myself endlessly amused. I never thought of myself as an avid learner, but time suck has made me realize I do have a curiosity for knowledge. Wow, that was some sappy shit. Again, that's Rachel saying this. That would be a weird take if that was me saying that. Like, okay, you fucking weirdo.

That was sappy as hell. No, it's still Rachel talking. Wow, that was some sappy shit, but yeah, just keep doing what you're doing. Thanks for allowing both jangles wick itself to beat knowledge into you. Hail knowledge or sorry, Hail Nimrod, also Zafina, and watch out for Chikotilo when he's feeling handsy. PS Paul Bunyan might be a cool time suck for your Midwest time suckers. Or since you have a love for the Irish accents. Yeah. The siege of Janetville could be a good one too. Rachel Hoffman. Well, thank you, Rachel. That was very nice. Yeah. I love those kind of emails almost the most. You know, where you you rekindle your knowledge of curiosity. I just feel like a lot of us. You know, when we're

kids, we get into reading cool books or sharing cool stories, then at some point a lot of us, you know, it's like maybe the wrong teacher or just the wrong job just kind of beats that out of you. You start to get the association of like having to learn is like a, like a, you know, a painful thing like, oh, I gotta go to the seminar this weekend. It's gonna be terrible.

Now it can be fun. Can be fun. Now some fan fiction from Creative Sucker Grant Ritter. I'm excited because I did not allow myself to read this yet. I know what it's about. I mean, roughly from the first sentence, but I didn't read further than that. So you're gonna find out with me exactly what this is.

What's up, senior suck? This isn't an update, but more of a story about an interesting discovery that I made. I'll start by saying that my grandfather was a huge Pudian Juju fan. He owned every season of Pudian Juju's magic twinkle hole on DVD, VHS, and laser disk. He also owned every episode of the very short live television show Pudian,

Juju's secret silly Sinslet went through a mix of live action, animation, and psychedelia. Think who frame Roger Rabbit meets your worst fucking nightmare. Our dynamic duo travels through time and space to give historical nots, uh, what for is only they can. But another thing he owned was every single Pudian Juju comic book. He owned every issue from the very first one published

by Reverend Dr. Anton Jackson, Jackson Esquire III, to the very last one published by Jamal Jackson, including the one, the often glossed over silver age of PNJ comics written by Anton Sonny Jamal's father, Reverend Dr. Anton Jackson Esquire III, Jr. What many people forget about Putin and Judeo history is that Reverend Dr. Anton Jaskin, X, and S. Quire III Jr. was not always meant to be heir to the Putin and Judeo Empire. It was originally meant to be his older brother Bill Jackson.

When Reverend Dr. Anton Jaskin, the third senior became too ill to continue on with the comics, he anointed or appointed his oldest son to take over the production. Bill, however, only ever published one comic, a comic that was so universally hated that it temporarily halted production on any form of Putin's juju entertainment for over a year. And I've recently found that comic in my grandfather's house. The comic has since become known as Putin's and Juju Issue Zero in several Pudi and Juju fan circles, and it historically was only in circulation for less than one day. It only took 16 hours for the comic to be immediately removed from store shelves across the world,

but the damage was already done. Nobody except for the seldom few who own the comic know the real title, or the actual plot of it until now. The title of the comic is Pudi and Juju issue 445 Pudi History X in which Pudi, no shit joins the Aryan brotherhood. Oh, fuck. Pudian Juju, we're out on a lovely rollerblading spree as they had done every Wednesday for years when Pudi had a terrible accident. He or she, he or she had run into a harmless Mexican man causing both of them to fall into the ground. The man was fine, but Pudi could not say as much.

He or she had chosen to lead with their face, the concrete hitting their head with a brutal thud, leaving them in a coma for many moons. Pudi awoke in a hospital with Judea right at their side. Judea can immediately tell the Pudi wasn't as they were before the accident. They were short with just about anyone who worked at the hospital who didn't have blonde hair or blue eyes. They flat out ignored any nurses or doctors of color and they got super and a Ted Nuget and Charlie Daniels.

And the days that followed, Poodie was sleeping later and later no longer was waking up at 5.45 a.m. or the dot like on the dot like they had four years, but they were sleeping in until 11.12 a.m. Judy later discovers that the reason this was because or the reason for this was that Pudi was sneaking out to participate in neo nazi rallies. Shock gas horror. Juju went into Pudi's room to investigate and found a poster of Adolf Hitler taking up the entirety of his wall along with roughly a shit ton of copies of mine comp scattered around the room.

So Pudi could read it whenever part of the room he was in, when Juju confronted Pudy about this, they shouted, you sure do a squacala for a smelly brown person, and then they wanted to say, put it in your lunchbox and then dropped an enbomb. Despite the fact that Juju was wider than bird shit, containing mostly sour cream that was dropped into a perfectly clean toilet that was located on the sun. Juju was crushed, but Pudy gave Juju an ultimatum.

You're either with us, you're against us, Shirley. When Juju refused to join Poodie and his hate, Poodie mocked and insulted Juju, calling him a, a Jewish lover rather than his name. This was too much for Juju. He screamed too little, too little Poodie. Shut Poodie onto the ground, cause him to hit her head once again.

Then, when Poodie woke up, to Juju to light, Poodie was cured of his race as big and it had hateful thoughts, and went back to being the loving and someone accepting putty that we all know and love. Just thought as a fellow putty and juju enthusiasts that you'd love to hear about putty and juju issue, uh, issue zero that almost single handly ended the putty and juju series. I love the podcast love being a space lizard, praisemogangles, big on loose of fena, and most importantly, hail Nimrod.

Wow, Grant, my God. Well done, Grant Ritter. Yet you had to really know your fucking time suck shit for that one, my God. That was awesome. That was awesome. Fan fiction, wonderfully done. And finally,

wonderfully done. Finally, one last message regarding the analyst Michelle Exorcism suck from theology wizard and super suckered John DeVorechech. John initially sent in a pic of a busted putty and juju mug when I was talking to him about replacing it getting a fix. He sent back this the email. He said, wow, honored to receive reply from the holy count succulents. So promptly, thank you very much.

Damn fine job on your latest foray into religion, religiosity by the way. I was chair of philosophy and religion and taught history of Christianity for nearly a decade in a Catholic college, and I wrote two papers concerning extricism and possession to grad school. So I'm actually a bit of an expert concerning your recent material, and I can say you presented very complex topics in a way as well as could be done in about two hours. Even if you did call the four gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Paul in the last books episode.

Paul isn't a gospel writer, num nuts. The fourth one is John. John, by the way, is very narcissistic and ideology and subtly carries many threads from those lost, noostic traditions. Anyway, thank you for the mugs. Sincere thanks for all that you do. You're the first thing I listen to when I'm driving

and I walk in my puppy. My girlfriend and I love you. We spread the Sincere thanks for all that you do. You're the first thing I listen to when I'm driving or walking my puppy. My girlfriend and I love you. We spread the gospel of Nimra to all that have ears. Keep on sucking, John. Man, well thank you, John. Thank you, thanks for pointing out that mistake I made. And I love when X person of field man give me some good feedback.

And I'll tell you what, man, I think about experts every single episode now. That's why I was up till 1.30 in the morning, even though I had to get up at 5.30, working on the Spanish inquisition because I'm like, ah man, there's going to be someone listening who knows a lot of shit about this. I can't fucking butchered. So you guys, you guys keep me focused. Many thanks to all you, with suckers who show up at shows, who write in, you know, with

topics, who pledge support on Patreon, and who enjoy learning as much as they can during the limited amount of rotations they have around the son of ours love you guys Thanks time suckers. I need a net. We all did Have a great week everybody don't forget to check Instagram for the release of that last Pudi and Juju limited edition Like I think it's I think tomorrow morning, I don't have the exact time yet, so keep an eye on Instagram. Tomorrow morning, if you really want one of those mugs, and be sure to pick up maybe on the problem

on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play. If you enjoy my stand up, do not set down on a Judas cradle, do not set someone else down on Judas cradle. Do not try to see if you actually can create a Jupiter's twist and keep on sucking.