Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 92 - Knights Templar pt 1 of 2: License to Kill (Rise of the Pope's Army)

Episode Date: June 18, 2018

The Knights Templar was founded in 1119 CE on the principles of chastity, obedience and poverty - but they soon, ironically became immensely wealthy and obedient to almost no one but themselves and the Pope. The Templars financed wars, built castles, ran cities, raised armies, and so much more. From meager beginnings they became as mighty an outfit as existed during the later Middle Ages. They were more powerful, wealthier, and better armed than some entire medieval kingdoms. Today, more than seven hundred years after their demise, the Templars remain an object of fascination. And we do our best to begin the telling of their legendary, awe-inspiring tale, today, on Timesuck! Timesuck is also brought to you by the Wild Card Podcast! Check it on iTunes or anywhere you listen to podcasts https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/wild-card/id1392652002?mt=2 Timesuck is brought to you today by AmeriGas! Go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com between now and July 4th and enter your name and email to register to win a free Weber Spirt II – E 210 grill ($400 value). Timesuck is brought to you be Leesa! We love Leesa! Get $160 off when you go to Leesa.com/timesuck Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG, @timesuckpodcast on Twitter, and www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna be a Space Lizard? We're over 2500 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits. And, thank you for supporting the show by doing your Amazon shopping after clicking on my Amazon link at www.timesuckpodcast.com

The Knights Templar were Holy Soldiers who were uniforms emblazoned with a now famous Red Cross Similizing both the blood Christ and Shed for mankind and also the blood of mankind that they were more than ready to spill in the Lord's Service and it's gonna take two full shows to tell their incredible tale welcome to part one Although the Templars were only one among a host of religious orders that spring up in medieval Europe. And in the Holy Land between the 11th and 14th centuries, they became by far the best known, the most successful and the most controversial. Their order was a product of the Crusades, wars instigated by the medieval church, which took aim primarily, although not exclusively at the Islamic rulers of Palestine, Syria, Asia Minor, Egypt, Northwest Africa, Southern Spain.

The word Templars, shorthand for the poor knighthood of the temple, or less frequently, the poor fellow soldiers of Christ and the temple of Jerusalem, advertised their origins at the temple mount in Christianity's holiest city. They were legends in their own lifetimes, featured in popular stories, artwork, ballots. The Templars were founded in 1119 CE on the principles of chastity, obedience and poverty, but they soon ironically became immensely wealthy and obedient to almost no one but themselves in the Pope. They counted amongst their friends and financial supporters kings, princes, queens,

countesses, patriarchs and popes. The Templars financed wars, built castles, ran cities, ran a whole pretty much nation on point for a brief time, raised armies and so much more. From meager beginnings, it became as mighty an outfit as existed during the later Middle Ages. They were more powerful, they were wealthier, and they were better arms in some entire medieval kingdoms. And really, they were for many years kind of a kingdom unto themselves.

And today, more than 700 years after their demise, the Templars remain an object of fascination, imitation of session. Templars have been presented variously as heroes, martyrs, thugs, bullies, victims, criminals, perverts, heretics, depraves, subversives, gardens, and the Holy Grail, protectors of Christ's secret bloodline, time-traveling agents of global conspiracy.

And we do our best to tell their legendary awe inspiring tale today on TimeSucker. You listening to TimeSucker. Yeah. Happy Monday, TimeSuckers. Kickstart in your work week with some new knowledge. Fuck yeah. Good for you, you beautiful bastards.

I'm Dan Cummins, the master's sucker, the profit in Imrod, the fourth legable jangles and you, at least the next 90 plus minutes, you know, I hope, are a member of the Cult of the Curious. And you're listening to Time Suck. And Time Suck is brought to you today by the Wild Card podcast recently selected as one of the 10 best new shows by podcast hunter. Wild card is an interesting hilarious and occasionally uncomfortable look. I love it.

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And speaking of places where you get to listen to podcasts, thanks for pushing this show to over 4,000 radians on iTunes. Man, radians and reviews help spread the sex so much. I know I always hammer iTunes. I know there's other places, and I hope you leave ratings everywhere. And just, that's just based on analytics of most people discover new podcasts of via iTunes. It's the only reason I hammer that one.

And we just continue to grow, man. We get more new time suckers each month, and it's thanks to you guys. Those of you who rate, review, and tell others, you're the reason the show grows. Thank you so much. Most of the ratings are still fantastic and funny. I try try to check them too often because it can make me crazy when people are angry, but I'm trying to laugh at it. Thanks for keeping the show up. Five stars.

Some of the one star reviews do crack me up, like Sam Popo's review. Sam, I just thought this was really funny. Sam Popo does not care for me one bit. The subject of his review is horrible host. Any comments? Horrible. This is a quote. Horribly awful. I like the content and the ideas he discusses, but he has horrible jokes and is very bad at giving podcasts. Maybe a new host. That's the part that cracked me up. Maybe new host. that's the best. The show is time. The show is times I would dance how much you done bastards, Sam. I love that I am the show,

but you still want to replace me. Like you like what I'm doing, but just not me. Such a strange critique. That's like, hey, hey, John Mayer. Listen up, buddy. I like your songs. The words, good.

The melodies, pretty good. Guitar solos, I enjoy them. I like your songs. The words, good. The melodies, pretty good. Guitar solos, I enjoy them. But I don't like you. You are bad at giving music. Just hear me out, could you maybe find a new John Mayer? I'm like, ah, God. Thanks to the time suckers who came out to Des Moines,

Manelook, thanks for saying hello while I worked on this episode at Starbucks. Thanks for making that drive from Kansas City. That was hilarious. We ran into each other there. Thanks to all of you who drove in from Minneapolis, Omaha, elsewhere. Got to see some of the new Danger Brain merch being worn in the crowd already. Love it. I'm wearing some right now. I got to lose the Fina Cousie. I was holding my beer last night after the barbecue and told him some coconut water right now, because it's early.

And yeah, the magnets, man, I had no idea that Cousi's magnets would be so popular. The tank top, so it is fun to have a, now I get it, now I get why you guys were asking for a time so tank top. Yeah, man, it is nice to wear one in the summer. And yeah, I had to start using this stuff. I started to feel like I was being left on my own club,

not using the new merch, but I got it now. Now I gotta get, now I gotta get to the gym. I gotta pump up the guns for the, for the summer tank top because all this typing and sitting and not going to the gym the past year, I am the weakest. I've ever been pro as an adult. I am not in, not in good physical condition. No, boy, no, more tour dates coming up this summer, Orlando, Lahoya, Dayton next month, Tampa, Palm Beach, Chicago and August so many more 2018 flat earth tour dates. Oh my God. I ran into a flat earth or at the club. I'll say this and we'll get right into it.

Portland Denver to come more coming up Dan Cummins.tv. And before I get into night's temple or just real quick, I was into mowing. I had my flat earth tour t-shirts and this, I didn't realize he was staff at first. He taps one of the shirts as I'm kind of setting up while my buddy Pat House is on stage just kind of getting the table ready. And he taps it and he goes, ah, don't agree, don't agree. And I was like, oh, okay.

You believe the earth is flat? And he was like, yeah, you know, and then he really immediately goes, but you know whatever, I heard your stuff, you know, I can handle it. I'm a big boy. And then I realized he is a staff and I'm following him now down the service hallway to get back to the green room. And he's just kind of blabbing.

Like, you know, whatever, man, everybody gets to, you know, have their own opinions. I have my thoughts on it. And then I'm, I shit you not. He goes and he's probably about 30 years old, I would say, and then gather some dishes and he starts watching dishes. And I know this might make me sound like a dick, but I would say, and then gather some dishes and he starts watching dishes. And I know this might make me sound like a dick, but I did think, of course you're the dishwasher.

Like odds are, odds are, you're not going to be the general manager. If you're like, nah man, disagree about your flat earth. And that's not a knock, it really isn't. I know people, you know, we go through things in life or maybe we're, you know, don't care about work and you can be a dishwasher. I met plenty of dishwasher because we were very intelligent. Over my years of clubs, I know people, you know, we go through things in life or maybe or, you know, don't care about work and you can be a dishwasher. I met plenty of dishwasher because we were very intelligent. Over my years of clubs, I get it. But I was like, if I had to place money

on which position the flat earth would have, that would be it. All right, I just had to get that out there. Okay, so let's get into the night's templer. The night's templer wouldn't have existed. had it not been for the Crusades. So we got to establish a little context for their lives by first explaining what their Crusades were. I'll be getting the 11th century Christians in Jerusalem. They thought it would be fun to make Muslims cakes, cookies, biscuits, and they baked these

tasty gifts in the Holy Land. And what the message is that we're all got, and we should all get along with one another, and they invited everyone to share in the fun treats. Yeah, right. No, Christian, Jerusalem, they were being increasingly persecuted by the cities, Islamic rulers in the 11th century, because in the 11th century,

there was Muslims were in control, but there was also Jews, Christians, and I'm sure the occasional pagans snuck in there. And especially when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when Dennis also threatened by the Seljuk Turks, appealed to the powers of Western Earth for aid, and for a few decades, the powers of Western Europe were like, yeah, look. Ugh, I know things are rough for you, but, you know, the Turks are pretty good at killing us, and we don't enjoy dying, and they're not fucking

with us directly now, So here's our plan. We're going to drink some more meat. We're going to have some more rack of lamb and you know, we'll just see how things go down the road about the whole help in your business. If you recall, way back from the Vlad and Pailer suck, living in South Eastern Europe was especially horrendous for hundreds of years due to constant battling between Muslim and Christian armies, right? The Muslim armies in the Middle East and Asia the Asia Minor, and the Christian army,

kingdoms in the West, and both sides, you know, claim they were fighting for God, but really it was kind of the same old story. It was a rich and powerful people looking for, you know, to expand their wealth and power or protect what the wealth and power they already had. And now to be fair, many of these rulers and nobles did also take

their religion seriously, and did seem to truly believe they were fighting in Fidel's to spread the glory of God. They thought they were fulfilling God's will. And then in fidel's to spread the glory of god is that were they were filling fulfilling god's will and then ten ninety five pope urban the second he he publicly called for a crusade to aid uh... christians you know eastern christians and recover holy lands

for the christian rulers of europe he didn't didn't like it pope didn't care for people being percude and of course you want to expand his empire and uh... and so it's like let's just let's just get out of there let's just kick him out and the response by western europeans was immediate and the these peasants you know they were ready to go there and fight for their pope and why why were they uh the you know people who probably weren't gonna get rich off a crusade suddenly willing to go fight and possibly die well many of them were much more kind of pious than their leaders and and were truly worried about their salvation

in addition to the spiritual reward of spreading their religion uh reclaiming the Holy Land for the religion, there was also the promise of the far-greater reward of guaranteed salvation. This was a big selling point for Crusaders, especially the lower ranks. It's like, you want it for sure? Go to heaven. Okay, we'll fight and die for the glory of God's Crusade, and all your sins are absolved. You are guaranteed eternal life at God's side. That was the sales pitch from Rome. You die in the crusades, you go to heaven, done deal, period. And the rewards didn't stop there. There were some financial incentives for the peasants. You get your debt absolved.

In some cases, you could acquire a little bit of land for your family and kind of build your social rank. The first groups of crusaders, there were several, were actually undisciplined hordes of French and German peasants, who frankly were not very good at crusading. The motto on their battle flags might have well said something like, please take it easy honest, we're doing our best, we're very scared and very unprepared, please. We're just trying to do what we think is right, but seriously, they weren't good at it. One group known as the People's Crusade reached as far as Constantinople. And then we're absolutely annihilated by the Turks. A lot of deaths

by sword happening, a lot of not fun times going down. Then the following year 1096, new much more organized crusading force featuring 4,000 mounted knights, you know horseback, 25,000 infantry began to move east led by Raymond of Toulouse, a city in southern France, God free of bouillon, also in France, Robert Flanders, now part of Belgium, and a Bowman of Otranto located in Italy, these crusaders, they led their organized armies of Christian nights east, crossed into Asia Minor in 1097 in pursuit of glory, spiritual insurance, and financial game.

In a June, the Crusaders captured the Turkish-held city of Nicaea, then defeated a massive army of Seljuk Turks at Dorleum, located modern-day Western Turkey from there. They marched onto Antioch, excuse me, located on the Aron Tees River below Mount Silpius, present-day Southeast Turkey of the board with syria they're in the holy land now and they began a difficult six months each of anti-act during which they repulse several attacks by turkish relief armies finally early in the morning of june third ten ninety eight

bowman persuaded the turkish trader to open up uh... anti-ox bridge gate and the night port into the city and then an orgy of killing the christians massacred thousands of enemy soldiers and citizens and all but the cities enter forty five fortified citadel was taken uh... later in the month a large turkish army arrived and attempted to regain the city but they they too were defeated and then the anti-ac uh... citadel surrendered to the europeans then after resting reorganizing for six months and a new little headquarters out there in the

you know in the east the crusader set off for their ultimate gold Jerusalem, the jewel city of the Holy Land, present day, Israel. And after losing a fair share of crusaders taking Antioch, their numbers were, were down to about 1200 Calvary, 12,000 foot soldiers, but they marched on. They're going to bring God's wrath with them. They're ready. June 7th, 1099, the Christian army reaches the Holy City, finding it heavily fortified,

and they began building three enormous 50 foot tall siege towers. These big-ass towers, so they could push them, and I guess, get over the, I couldn't find an adequate description of these particular towers, these siege towers, but they also constructed a giant battering ram, catapults. I mean, this is classic medieval siege like you watch a movie. You know, by the night of July 13th, the towers were complete.

The Christians began fighting their way across Jerusalem's walls. On July 14th, Godfrey's men were able to penetrate the, the defense of the city, the gate of St. Stephen was opened. I mean, this is like what you'd see in a movie. People, like climbing over the walls, pouring over these catapulting things. They got these siege towers, which I'm assuming with these kind of a medieval towers, where they would have them up, you know, near the wall so that people could climbing over the walls, pouring over these catapulting things, they got these siege towers, which I'm assuming with these kind of medieval towers, where they would have them up near the wall, so that people could climb up the tower and climb over,

which must have been hard to build, as you're getting shot at, where you're trying to build it. Ah, geez. Then they get in and they open up the gate from the inside, and then the rest of the nights and the soldiers, they pour in the city's captured and tens of thousands of its occupants, slaughtered in the name of God holy shit

That might be the origin of the term holy shit actually You know they were supposedly doing something holy but shit was got it's getting crazy. It's some crazy shit One contemporary eyewitness quote said the attackers were waiting in blood up to their ankles Sweet Jesus, that is a lot of blood Tens of thousands slaughtered most I'm assuming slaughtered by the sword What what a terribly intimate way of killing someone life was so much more violent back then Jesus, that is a lot of blood. Tens of thousands slaughtered. Most I'm assuming slaughtered by the sword, what a terribly intimate way of killing someone. Life was so much more violent back then.

The Jewish residents who fought alongside the Muslims to defend Jerusalem retreated into a synagogue and were burned alive inside it. And then Jesus looked down from heaven and said, yes, yes! This is what I was hoping for. This is why I died in the cross. So you guys can really cut those fluggers down.

Good job team, good game today, good game. No, but it is crazy when you think about all the horrible death in the name of God. I wonder if I wonder if getting slaughtered in the name of God is a better faith than getting slaughtered in the name of a tyrant or worse getting slaughtered, just you know, just kind of for the fuck of it.

I'm guessing getting slash to death with a sword hurts just as much when it's being swung in God's name as it does when it's being swung with zero sense of self-righteousness. Ah, well, you know who probably hasn't slaughtered to my knowledge or burned alive anyone in God's name? One of today's sponsors, TimeStuck has brought you once again by Amerigas,

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The few Muslims that did manage to escape with their lives, they just gave up and left. They were, you know what, they were like, you know what, okay, you guys wanted, fair and square, we're gonna mose you off, we're gonna find somewhere else to live, enjoy it. You know, all I know is we love to live there, but it's yours now and we totally understand

and we respect your decision to take it. You fought well best luck uh... you know we wish we truly wish the best now they understand we have very angry this was their city is one of the favorite cities that it's a very you know important city in islam as well new spread fast to

egypt where a large army of muslims resided and they immediately marched on the holy city a few weeks later to challenge the christians new claim to this land and they got their asses kicked this crusades going very well it's going very well for the christians the Egyptians defeat by the outnumbered uh... christians in august ended muslim resistance to the europeans for the time being and and some christian states were now carved out of this newly acquired muslim territory there was anti-ocke jiruslam adessa short-time letter triply and these uh and these new states would expand their reach. Other principalities would be carved out of them.

Each new territory would ultimately fall back to Muslim rule, although a few would remain Christian for roughly two centuries. And in the aftermath of this first successful crusade, the order of the Knights Templar would form originally out of a need to defend both these newly acquired lands from muslims who wanted to take them back and also to defend Christians making pilgrimage Pilgrimages to visit these lands. I'm sure the early pilgrims expected to encounter a certain degree of danger, you know, from from brigands and robbers Vagabons on their journey, but the hostility of the muslims who lived in and around these new Crusader states was another danger they weren't able to really prepare for in small groups you know the losses that the the Muslims had suffered from their first appearance of the Franks and the crusade beginning in 1096 and Franks is the term given the new

western and and nor their new European faithful you know people faithful to the Pope and Rome these losses were considered shameful and perplexing to the Muslims they were they felt that they were signs of God's displeasure at divisions within the Muslim world, just like the Christian kings of Europe, the Muslim rulers, there were lots of infighting there throughout history as well. And they saw this as a call to the faithful, to rise up in arms, fight back against the Western invaders. And one of the greatest foes the Muslims would encounter during their battles with

the Crusaders with a knight's Templar. So let's explore the origin of these knights and their rise to fame, wealth and power in today's time-subtimeline. Shrap on those boots soldier, we're marching down a time-sub timeline. down a time, some time line. 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 1119 of the year 1120 by the local powers that be, and almost no one gave a single shit. Seriously, not initially, some crusaders with some battle experience said they were gonna defend the city from Muslims and others who didn't follow the Pope, just kind of a yada yada yada.

It's like, everyone was saying we're gonna do stuff like that. There was lots of little groups of dudes talking about how much glory they were gonna bring to God, a lot of testosterone, a lot of chess puffin, a lot of peacocken. The initial Templars had improved anything yet, just a small group of dudes, that's come get them. No surviving chronicles of the immediate time,

either Christian or Muslim actually paid any attention. What's the ever to the first turns of the soon to be very famous order? The newly arrived pilgrims and administrators to this new land, they were hoping that someone was gonna step up and help mouth out. Things were looking rough Pretty quickly after they arrived for the newly

Christian or for the new Christian conquerors like on a holy Saturday March 29th 1119 not a good day not a good day for the new crusaders For the new settlers. This is this is a day in between good Friday and Easter Sunday for Catholics Things go real wrong for some early Christian settlers following the miracle of the Holy Fire at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. Now, in this yearly ritual, an oil lamp kept beside the rock of Christ tune would spontaneously burst a light on the eve of Easter, miracle, according to legend, or someone would light it each year.

One of those things happened. Now, no disrespect to Christian listeners who believe in miracles, I'm not shun on all miracles as a skeptic, I do have my doubts about this particular miracle. I'm gonna tell you why here to say. The sacred flame was then used to light the individual candles and lamps of faithful men and women who gathered to witness it.

So they're all gathering for this lamp. Unfortunately, in 1119, once the miracle had taken place and 700 is ecstatic pilgrims, all happy to get their lights lit and lit, ran out of the church, streamed into the desert in the direction of the River Jordan, intending to bathe in its waters to thank God, rejoice, the river is about 20 miles from the eastern walls of Jerusalem, and the pilgrims never made it. They got ran fucking sacked. Once they descended from the mountains,

almost made it to the river. They were ambushed by some Muslim soldiers. The soldiers fell upon the pilgrims who were virtually unarmed and weary, you know, after a journey of many days to get to Jerusalem, they were weakened by fasting in Jesus' name. And it wasn't a fight at all. It was a slaughter.

300 worshipers cut down in battle with swords, another 60 taken captive, the rest run off in terror. Allah, so happy. He's so as Muhammad, Muhammad in Jesus, you know, both wanted a lot of blood 100 worshipers cut down in battle with swords another 60 taking captive at the rest run off in terror all So happy he's so is Muhammad Muhammad and Jesus, you know Both wanted a lot of blood and today Muhammad's team won the Muslim victors actually heard a voice come down from the heavens It said it was Muhammad's voice and he said fuck yeah, bros. You did great good killing today good stabbing I like it. I like the I like the enthusiasm with the steps Again, it is crazy these religious fight

Now this slaughter though that's why I doubt the lamb miracle Come on like so if God's gonna grant a miracle this location on this day at this time Why not let the miracle be? I don't know warning his faithful not to get their fucking heads cut off down by the river Right as opposed to having a lamp light up seems kind of like a shitty parlor trick instead of like something I don't know, warning his face will not get their fucking heads cut off down by the river. Right? As opposed to having a lamp light up. It seems kind of like a shitty parlor trick instead of like something some real valuable information. You know, it seems kind of shitty to have people get their heads cut off because they

were excited about the lamp trick. You know, mysterious ways indeed. Then something else terrible happened to the Christians. Also in 1119 on june twenty-eight very large force of christians who are occupying anti-occupy going to battle outside the city against an army led by a muslim ruler known as ill gasey a general who occupied nearby al-epo uh... now according to an eyewitness the battle was fought in a fierce dust

storm uh... whirlwind twisting itself upward like an enormous jar on the potter's wheel burnt up by sulfurous fires and the Christians were slaughtered by the hundreds the leader Roger of Salerno was this is a quote struck by a night sword through the middle of his nose right into his brain and died in sleep. Of course he did that's an exact quote man that would be a I was saying it first that be a really rough way to go but then maybe maybe not bad.

I don't think you would suffer probably right. I I mean, by the time you had a chance, by the time you realized like a sword has gone into your face, you're immediately dead. I would think I wouldn't think there was any like moment of like, oh, fuck! No, I don't like this. I don't like getting a sword in my face. No, thank you. No, you're just dead. I think I'm not a doctor. From what my editor Jesse understands, when he looked over today's notes, he thinks I'm right about this. He says it would sever your brainstem and spinal cord

and probably just mess up your cerebellum, which basically is just switching your off switch. But he also did say that if you got decapitated, low enough to leave your brainstem intact, that theoretically you might be aware that you're just ahead for a few moments like those horrific tales of blinking heads on the gate team later how crazy is that what a weird way to die for like oh this no

i'm just ahead this is not gonna last long uh... the christians calmer calmery excuse me was destroyed the infantry was cut the pieces everyone not killed in battle was taken prisoner and then many of them i'm guessing would soon very soon wish that they had been killed in battle, because this is terrible. After the battle, several hundred Christian captives bound together by their necks, marched through blistering heat, tortured by the sight of a water barrel, once they were not allowed to drink, they would keep the water barrel just out of their reach. God. Yeah, because that's what all I want. I want you to torture people. That's what God wants.

Yeah, because that's what all I want. He wants you to torture people. That's what God wants. Summer beaten, summer flayed, summer stone to death. Others were beheaded. In total, roughly 7,000 Christians were killed. No, wait, I wrote several, several 7,000. I apologize. There's so many numbers.

I'm writing. Now, as I'm saying this, I want to, oh yeah, no that's right. Just for a second I had the previous, that is right. I do remember, yep, I just look at my notes again, sorry, that is right. I was thinking of the previous thing when the people were going down to the water, the pilgrims. And I forgot for a second, this was an entirely different group of people getting murdered and killed and flayed. Flayed by the way means to have your skin peeled off.

I want to, I want to, I want you to know that for sure. In case you were thinking, you know, flaying doesn't sound too bad. I mean, you know, stones, stoning to death, that sounds bad. Beheaded doesn't sound good, but flaying, no, flaying is the worst. And again, it was God's will, you know,

because Allah, a lot of people don't know this about God. Allah hates people that he doesn't like still having their skin on. It, like it just irks him. It insults him. He's like, get it off, get the skin off those infidels. Whoa, I hate it, I hate that they still have a skin on them. Luckily, the city had a defensive wall around it.

So the Christians that were inside the wall were still alive. They still had a ton of non-flade skin on their meat sex. Well following the battle, Ilgazi began preparations for a direct assault on the city. Armed assistants had been urgently requested by those and Antioch from the Kingdom of Jerusalem. Yeah, I bet, they just lost 7,000 people. No one was gonna be able to make it in time, no.

Even worse, their army had just been cut to shreds. You know, it's gone. And they have no military leaders left to life. So then a man named Bernard of Valence, the Latin Patriarch of Antioch, he stepped up to do what he could do to defend his congregation and his city. Basically Bernard was the archbishop of Antioch, it's around an area. Second really in power in terms of church hierarchy in the new Holy Land Crusader states to the holder of the Latin

Patriarchate of Jerusalem. The title of Latin Patriarch in Jerusalem, by the way, still around, still given to the Archbishop of Jerusalem. So Bernard, one of the highest ranking churchmen and all of the Crusader states, not looking forward to getting flayed or stoned or getting his head cut off. He was against all of that. He was not a fan of any of that.

He took command of what soldiers remained ordered a nightly curfew within the city walls to create no one was able to carry arms within the city except for the Franks so just the western european christians uh... and again that terms given to the francs is to distinguish them from uh... muslims jesus and also from uh... east orthodox christians aka like greek christians bernard insures that every tower along anti-ox defenses with garrison to once armed

with monks and clerics uh... whatever uh... other able body christian layman they could find would have to power along Antioch's defenses with garrison to once armed with monks and clerks. Whatever other able body Christian layman they could find would have to assist them armed clergy, you know, what few nights they still had guarded the gates, ramparts, towers, and walls, but not had participated. He at first handed the crusades and you know, while being a man of God, he was also battle hardened. He had fought in battle before and he was stunningly successful in his defense.

And then after seeing that Antioch was well ill-gazzy declined to pursue with a real siege uh... and called off his attack i guess i guess he was like dammit you know i wanted to play some christians but i don't know i guess her uh... i have to keep their skin for a while you know they they seem really into keeping the skin i i would like this you know as much christian skin as an ex-guy but now i'm not getting myself killed for it. Bernard and other crusaders and Holy Land leadership positions knew that wouldn't be long before the Muslims attacked again. The top executives at Holy Land incorporated a very concerned. They desperately needed more military support, they needed a

standing army, they needed to organize their newly conquered land before they quickly lost it. And then after months of planning, the Council of Nabilists convened on January 16, 1120 under the auspices of King Baldwin, the second member of the French royal family, who'd become King of the new Christian state of Jerusalem after initially being named Count of the other newly formed Christian state of Odessa and Wormant. And there was also the Latin patriarch of Jerusalem. These guys all came together to organize a new government for this new land. And no, I'm sorry, I misspoke again.

Man, this is, I've revised this, today, show more than any show in recent memory, because it's a lot going on. He was the king of the new state of Jerusalem, and then he met with other important leaders, like the Count of Odessa of Warmen, the Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem. Okay. So all these guys get together, all the new leaders of the new lands and the purpose of this gathering in Nablus, little town nestled in a valley between two mountains in Central Palestine.

Notable for its plentiful olive trees was to decide who should volunteer to be flayed. That was the pressing question of the day. They were trying to work out should volunteer to be flayed. That was the pressing question of the day. They were trying to work out a deal with El Gazi. He wanted two Christian skins a month. Pretty reasonable, really. A lot of dudes would ask for five. That was the going rate. That's nonsense. They were not gathered for that reason. That would have a terrible way to be gathered. To have a who should be kicked out of the city to be skinned alive, meeting what a terrible meeting if you get picked, right? Okay, it's decided then, Richard and William, you will be the first two skinned zaccorheises.

No, I will not. I would much rather keep all of my skin. I need it. I need all of it. Stop making a fast William. You fought on the crusade, your salvation as a shooant. It's really not a big deal. But then you give them your skin, Bernard. I will not. My skin is the only skin keeping this state from crumbling. You're just a cobbler. We can live without your shoe making skin. In fact, the next cobbler could take your skin. Should he'll go to leave it nearby and make several new sets of shoes that we could definitely use here. No, they gathered to come up with the news that are written laws. Cannons, you know, by which their new kingdom could be properly governed. They got to get organized if they're going to stick around.

And the Council of Navajo's produced 25 decrees, touched initially on matters of jurisdiction between the secular and clerical authorities. And for the most part, actually focused on sex. I love this about medieval Europe, right? Just that they still get that. That's the most important thing. We're living under the very real threat of violent death at the hands of the Muslims, and we need to figure out how not to die quickly and violently.

But first, we need to make sure that the dicks of our new land are being put into the proper holes. Proper holes for proper dicks, priorities. No declarations were made against sins, including adultery, satan, me, bigamy, pimping, prostitution, theft, sexual relations with Muslims. Punishments ranged from penance and exile to castration and no slicing, no slicing. Just saying that makes me a little bit nauseous. That's, I'm guessing no slicing is just the equivalent of a tiny bit of specific flame. Tucked amongst these laws was a formal pronouncement that would be fundamental, fundamentally important

to the origin of the United Templar. It was canon 20 and his first line stated simply that if a cleric takes up arms in the cause of self-defense, he share not shall not bear any guilt. And with this canon, the men who met in Ablas were not just working out a new code of law and morality for the Holy Land. They were given birth to a revolutionary idea, one that would evolve before long into the notion. In fact, the religious men under arms might serve as a central plank in the defense of the crusader states. Because prior to this, it was unusual for, you know, men of God to take

up sort. You know, there was that, that struggle within Christianity, where it's, you know, it's peaceful, it's turned to other cheek, but it's also, you know, fight, fight for your religion. And, you know, most of the time religious, you know, leaders, you know, fight, fight for your religion. And, you know, most of time religious, you know, leaders, you know, previous this obviously absolved themselves of fighting, but now they're like, nope, not a sin. It's not a bit totally okay. God's cool with it. You can, you can take up arms. You can do what you need to do. And it's, uh, and there's no problem, you know, as far as civil laws go. Um, and the most important of these early men, uh, excuse me, when it came to the night's templer, would be Hugh

of Pion, co-founder, first grandmaster to the night's templer, would be Hugh of Payan, co-founder, first grand master of the night's templer, original first leader of the soon to be famous order. He was, he was, you know, privy to this early meeting. Frenchman Hugh of Payan was born sometime before the year 1070, probably in the village of Payan, hence the name, some 90-mile southeast of Paris. We know little else about Hugh, as as far as early life other than he was of sufficiently high rank to witness charters for local noblemen in France

so it wasn't a peasant uh... but the time the council of nabble assembled uh... he'd been the holy land for roughly as long as ball would have been king maybe twenty months he's deeply religious man came from Rome to Jerusalem to pray his plan initially was to serve in the new royal army of Jerusalem now They did have an army for the kingdom and then retire from life on the front line and become a monk. And he was not alone in making this plan. There were other men of the nightly sort in the city and they wanted to do the same thing. They began to cluster together at the most obvious spot for tourists and newcomers, various backgrounds and nationalities to meet,

the church of the Holy Sepulchur. This is the site of Jesus' Resurrection in burial, just over a mile from the Temple Mount where Muhammad ascended to heaven. This area is where the Knights Templar draws their name from. Solomon's Temple also believed to have been built around this location. Area holds huge religious significance for Jews, Christians, and Muslims, partly why fighting, you know, between these different religions continues to this day. Anyway, these knights, some sources suggested it was initially between nine and thirty men,

organically formed, kind of a loose brotherhood. Co-fortone-ity, you know, and there was others similar for the little fraternities popping up around this time. Other later chroniclers would write that Hugh of Pion approach King Baldwin II of Jerusalem with eight knights. Two of them were brothers, all of them relatives by either blood or marriage in order to form the order of the Knights Templar. The other knights were Godfrey, De Saint Omar, Pien, De Montedelia, Ocho Band, De Saint

Agnan, André, De Montbord, Jeffrey Bison, two men recorded only by the names of Rousseau and Gundamre. Bald would approve the foundation of the order and trusted the Temple of Jerusalem to its care. These men, they weren't clergymen, you know again, but they were religious, able-bodied warriors, pilgrims who could fight and also made the significant decision when they formed an organized to lead a quasi-monastic life of poverty, obedience, chastity, you know, duty beyond the normal vows of Crusader. I can't even wrap my head around that. Yeah? Let us fight to defend God, Daniel. Yes, yes you. Let us fight for him.

And Daniel, let us swear allegiance to form a brotherhood and defend one another from the temptations of Satan that could crumble our holy quest. Okay, yes, yeah, that sounds good too. And Daniel, let us avoid female temptations entirely and swear chastity and also poverty. Oh, whoa, whoa you. What? Look, hey, I don't know if this is right for me now. I was initially down for the fighting, but I was kind of hoping to get rich, you know,

doing it if that worked out. And I would also, if I'm gonna risk my life all the time, maybe get my fuck on from time to time, will also be nice. These new nights, you know, they become known to, you know, King Baldwin again, who I mentioned earlier, and they impressed him, you know, he wrote a letter to Bernard of Clare Vaux,

a powerful religious figure of the day to aid the Knights of the Temple of Solomon. Prior to that big 1120 gathering, Bernard was an influential abbot, aka head monk, who ran an abbey in northeastern France, known Jerome, greatly respected for the religious writing Bernard produced. And thanks to Bernard and Baldwin's support, it was decided at the Council of Nabilist that instead of being attached to Holy Sepulchre, this pious band of knights should be given independence. Some means of feeding and clothing themselves, access to priests who could lead prayers for them at the appropriate hours of the day and, uh, in a place to live in one of the prominent

areas of Jerusalem. So let's, let's make it official. Let's give you guys your own little spot. The crown would assist with the means of their upkeep, but their main task would be one of equal interested in King Patriarch, every other Christian visitor to the Holy Lands. They would be responsible in the words of a charter later produced in 1137 for the defense of Jerusalem and the protection of pilgrims. As tiny brotherhood, these religious bodyguards would be devoted only to arms and prayer.

Dessennites Templar is born. These men living roughly 900 years ago are the very first nights of the temple. In their early years at the Holy Sepulchre, the Templars were a long way from the wealthy and powerful organization they'd soon become. They were dependent on charity. You know, they'd get handouts for, you know, clothes, even food would have to be donated to them. Then shortly after that, the tax revenues of a few villages near Jerusalem were assigned

to them by King Baldwin and patriarch Wormant, the patriarch of Jerusalem, the cater for their food and clothing. But still much of the first decade of their existence was just a small number of Jerusalem, the cater for their food and clothing, but still much of the first decade of their existence was just a small number of brothers, Jenna and Dresden, second-hand clothes, eating table scraps and kind of barely getting by. And then Hugh of Pion and his fellow knights knew that if they're gonna succeed

in protecting Jerusalem's Christian inhabitants, pilgrims and territories, from the many enemies who threatened them, they needed to grow. They needed to build their numbers, their resources. They needed to get some money. So, and so if they're getting organized. They make a plan and then six years later,

Hugh of Pion and at least five early template brothers, they take off, make it back to France, this is 1126, to raise money and support for the new order of soldiers. He was sick eight and secondhand meat and he'd been wearing the same pair of underwear since 1120. And while incredibly uncomfortable,

that underwear had stopped at least two arrows from piercing his skin they had become armor uh... no but seriously they needed some dough needed some medieval scratch low coin a lot needed some more men and they were able to get all of that because uh... he was uh... incredibly charismatic he was a charismatic ruler he had to have been because uh... you know he'd been tasked with encouraging hundreds of dudes to part with their possessions possibly even their lives in exchange for uncertain rewards. His military recruiting tour had one main objective, it helped expand Christian territory back in the Holy Land, back in the Kingdom of Jerusalem. King Baldwin II was planning a major assault on Damascus, aiming to parlay a period of raiding that had begun late in 1125 into a full-on campaign of conquest. Baldwin wanted to permanently seize the great city, one-time seat of the Sunni caliphate,

from its ruler, the Turkish military leader, Tautikin. Baldwin calculated that taking Damascus would require in the words of William of Teer, the entire military strength, the kingdom, and to give Baldwin that strength, and to help his order survive few in his nights visiting King Louis VI and Normandy. You know, they needed to get some money and some men. And they were given that. King, King Louis, he gave them, you know, treasure, some gold, some silver. And then they visited the British Isles and would write that they were given treasures by all and in Scotland too, much wealth entirely and gold and silver was sent to Jerusalem. Then he persuaded more men

to go east and fight. He persuaded more men than anyone else had since the first crusade. Donations continue to pour in from various Western European kingdoms, from various lords and ladies. And sadly Baldwin and the Templars would fail in their mission to take Damascus in 1129, but he would be successful as far as getting more power for the Templars. In addition to more men and funds, he also made it part of his mission to get the Pope's official blessing.

Because while that council of NABLIS had given some little laws and established them a little bit as an organization, it would be a whole another level if they could get the Pope to just declare them a new religious order and give them formal rules to live by, protection, prestige, and in 1129 he got it. The Council of Tra formerly assembled for its first session on Sunday, January 13th, 1129. It was presided over by a papal legate,

Matthew Bishop of Al Bano, representing Pope, honorius, the second, and by the end of this meeting, 68 point code of Templar conduct had been drafted in Latin later known as the primitive or Latin rule. This is this detailed process by which Templar nights of the order were to be selected and received how they were to pray, which feast days they had to observe what they should wear, eat, drink, where they should sleep, how they were to behave in public, with whom they could and could not socialize. A lot of rules in the rule.

The rule allowed the Knights to skip church services, accepting that members would likely to spend much their time on patrol or fighting in the field rather than, you know, being a chapel. Templars were able to substitute each daily church service they had missed for a set number of repetitions of the Lord's Prayer, known as the patronoster in Latin. And this was huge for future recruitment. Because everyone, even the most literate peasant in France, knew the patronoster.

And by reducing holy duties to the most mundane repetition of the best-known prayer in Christianity, excuse me, sorry. Again, the allergies have been fucking brutal this spring. I've taken more allergy medicine this spring than that I have any spring before my adult life and yet the pollen continues to pound me so apologize for the occasional sniffle uh... the tempers open their pool of potential recruits to uh... dedicated and talented men of any rank not just the rich

uh... the rule also made clear that there were two distinct categories of nights uh... those who were signed up for life, having abandoned their own wills, and those who agreed to join temporarily in fight for a fixed term. Templar knights were to wear habits of all white, which signifies purity and complete chassis. Black or brown habits were prescribed for the lesser rank of Templar sergeants and squires, brothers who were sworn members of the order, but did not carry the full rank or training required of the Templar knight. Turquoise and salmon colored habits were given to dudes who weren't really in the order at all.

They weren't chased, they weren't fully trained or really good at fighting, but they were fun at parties. And of course, that last party's nonsense. With the new donations, which included land and homes and castles, monasteries of sorts were set up. Life within a Templar house was designed where possible to resemble that of a Susturian, S in sister shun excuse me monastery meals were communal

to be eaten in their silence while or while a reading was given from the bible equal ration to food and wine were given to each brother left over to the poor uh... the rule also gave the templers and this is big the right to kill enemies in the name of the church it said this armed company of nights may kill the enemies of the cross without sinning, man licensed to kill. Not only was slaying humans who happened to be unbelieving pagans and enemies of the sun

of the Virgin Mary, not a sin for the Templars, it was now an act worthy of divine praise. Can you just get those seasons, go on, get them, just kill them, stab them, make them pay. Please God, spill that Muslim blood. Jesus wants you to cut their heads off. But yeah, Pope just gave these dudes a carte blanche murder punch card.

Outside of fighting, the temples were expected to live in Pius Self-denial. There were lots of other codes and rules too. Some pretty weird, like this one. Three horses were permitted to each night, along with one squire, whom quote, the brother shall not beat i love that they had to write out the don't be your squire part

i like you guys you can have a square you get one you get one each you know he's gonna help take care of the three horses you get but here is the thing you can beat him yelling at him fine encouraged and expected

who doesn't enjoy yelling at the square they need to be held at mock him if you want belittling but don't beat the little fellous uh... band two for the tempers was a company of women which the rules scorned as quote a dangerous thing for biot the old devil has led man from the straight path to paradise the flower of chastity is always to be maintained among you for this reason none of you may presume to kiss a woman, be it widow, young girl, mother,

sister, aunt or any other. The knighthood of Christ should avoid at all costs the embraces of women by which men have perished many times. This part of the rule only applied to lifetime members. Married men were permitted to join the order. They were of course allowed to touch their wives, but they weren't allowed to wear the white cloak, make it to the top ranks. Their wives were not supposed to even join their husbands in the Templar Houses.

Again, I love the details they added about which women the Templars weren't allowed to kiss. Not mothers or stepmothers or formal stepmothers or old women with short hair or young girls, long or short hair or beautiful maidens especially but not not even plain looking shopkeepers or unfortunate looking neighbors nieces they're the worst actually and they should avoid hugging a woman at at all costs because that hug has led men to perish many times man these motherfuckers were so scared

of sex holy shit you know this is some sex-obsessed bishop just the hog. The hog is the gateway to the boob. It gets you thinking about them. First you can feel them against your chest. And then soon, trust me on this, you'll be up to squeeze at least one. And boob-squeezing is the first step to getting one of those satanic woman loving devil erections. And then of course, the vagina did lean will follow, followed by fornication. And then you're lost. You can't think straight on the battlefield because all you want

is more sweet, sinful ladyhole. Thoughts of pleasure. Take all the blood away from your upper head, send it to the little head below the devil's head And that's how you get your upper head locked off the godhead, but all because you had to hug Nana before she passed one time Luciferina probably not a big fan of Templar rules See probably she probably did like the Templars themselves out bad ass dudes Guess and she probably you know probably seduced a few. Maybe it got a few to abandon their vows.

She could have if she wanted to. A man's willpower, only as strong as Lucifino allows. Hell, Lucifina. Anyways, the order was to be ruled over by the master, Templar. Advised by Council of those brothers, who master knows. The master, excuse me, who will good wise and beneficial advice. Obedient to the master's commands was essential and once orders were given, they were carried out as though Christ himself had commanded it.

So they had to listen to, you know, whatever the master says, master templeer, that's what they do. So the night's due. And it was in the master's power to examine and receive new recruits to distribute horses and armor amongst the brothers, punish those who sinned or broke the rules, use his discretion and enforcing the rule as he saw fit. Only the temple, only the temple of master could beat the squires as well. Only he could take a heavy hand to the little fellas.

I don't know, I don't think he could beat it. As time went on, the temple rule would expand, give the nights even more rules in power. After that initial draft, you know, January 11, 29th, Hugh of Pion, he had achieved now one of his principal goals in traveling to Europe He'd given his new organization a structure a code of conduct the blessing of the Pope His friend Bernard that our species of Antioch wrote about how revolutionary the Templars were saying a new kind of knighthood Seems recently to have appeared on earth it

Wages a twofold combat against flesh and blood and against spiritual hosts of evil in the heavens. These men lived for the sole purpose of destroying the faithless and casting out the workers of iniquity from the city of the Lord. Big praise from the big B and Bernard was not the only one thinking seriously about the Templars. Far away from the Holy Land, another patron was thinking about how he could help support this newly founded order. His name was Alfonso, King of Eragon, and with his death, the Templars would get a massive financial upgrade. This was also kind of a

new thing here in July 1134. Alfonso, the battler, King of Ergon set up camp outside the city of Fraca, medieval city that is now a little town of roughly 14,000 people in northeastern Spain. And he commanded his servants to bring him his relics. Dude had relics. He thought they were important to help him win battles. And yet, he had a badass nickname, two man, the Batler. That would give me pause. You ready to fight El Fanzo?

Yeah, yeah, maybe. Yeah, I know. I think I can fight El Fanzo. Are you ready to fight El Fanzo, the Batler? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'd rather fight the batter than the winner,

but I don't really want to fight either one. These relics, man, he had an impressive collection over the course of a long and colorful career. This now 61-year-old king had acquired fragments of supposed belongings of the Virgin Mary, several apostles, few early Christian martyrs, and assorted other saints, all of which were housed in small ivory boxes,

leaf with gold or silver, studded with precious gems. His finest relic was a piece of timber, said to have come from the cross of what Jesus was crucified, which had been carved into a small crucifix, kept in a jewel and crusted arc made of solid gold. I guess he had taken it from a monastery and Leon.

And he's getting ready to try and take Fraga from Muslim hands. He wanted it. He laid siege to it in 1134. And I really feel like those relics speaks to the mentality of the time, you know, the mentality that led to the creation of the order of the Templars.

You know, with these people, they were very obsessed with religion in a very different way than even the most devout religious people are today. You know, they were, it was all they wanted to do, you know, was to spread their religion to be, you know, heralded by the other people of their faith and to, you know, to gain glory by just kicking heath and ass. And they, you know, clearly believed in a magic of sorts where they would bring these

relics with them on the battlefield. There's all these stories when you read about the crusades on both Muslim and Christian side about them. A lot of praying as they're getting ready for battle, a lot of, come on, God, we can do this. And yeah, this al-Fanza was very, very religious ruler. And he was warned that he by by some uh... by some uh... some muslims send a message to him saying that if he didn't abandon his siege a large army of other muslim

warriors were gonna come and destroy him and uh... with god and the saints as his witness i guess he now declared that there would be no mercy that really pissed him off like how dare you warn me not to take the city and now he wanted uh... just to destroy just really just raise it to the ground kind of mentality. So with his forces, he moved to confront a Muslim convoy, camels, their military guard,

they then turned tail, flee, and he pursues them and it was a trap. It was a small band of Muslim soldiers who lured him into chasing them and then the rest of the Muslim army, which had been divided into four additional columns, moved and encircled his group. And without delay, began to attack with spears, arrows, stones, and other missiles. And then meanwhile, the citizens of Fraga spill out of the city gates while he's being attacked and Muslim men and women, young and old, they attack his camp where he had set up for the siege.

Male villagers, massacring non combatant Christians living in the camp, women, uh, leading a general plunder, taking tents, uh, or robbing the tents, excuse me, a food, equipment, weapons, siege engines, uh, they even stole this relics. It took us precious relics. Uh, they tore down as little tent chapel he'd made several bishops and abbots. He brought along, they were killed in the battle along with dozens of his best knights, most of the army's leaders most of the army's leaders virtually all members of his household were captured his entire infantry bodyguard of 700 soldiers was were killed in all his decades of warfare Which he'd fought many battles and seizures, you know He had never suffered such a devastating defeat

He was not killed he slashed and hacked his way fiercely on the edge of the battlefield and was persuaded to escape with a small group of knights, but then died on September 7th, 1134. Most likely from Moon sustained in the battle, although Christian Muslim chroniclers attributed his death to grief. He was so distraught that he lost that battle. So what does all that have to do with the knight's templer? He was a big fan of them. Alfonso was a huge fan of the Templars, and before he died, he wrote him into his will uh... he named as his principal ares three different orders uh... highly unusual you know he didn't have uh... a son and he didn't you know past his

you know kingdom to like any kind of blood relative he gave it to religious orders he gave he split up and in the thirds between thirds between the cannons of the Holy Sepulchre, the Nights hospitaler, and the Templars whom his will described as the Temple of the Lord with its knights who strive to defend the name of Christianity. And to these three entities, he declared, I bequeath my whole kingdom, as well as the lordship I have in my kingdom, the sovereignty and rights I have over all the population of my land. Just five years after the Council of Traugh had given them a formal rule, the Templars

now have been granted a third part of a sizeable kingdom, the kingdom of Eragon, a sizeable chunk of present-day Spain. Due to political fighting and the wake of his death, they wouldn't actually receive rule of a third of the kingdom, but because of their favor with the poor, you know, Pope, excuse me, the people who would take rule couldn't just like give them nothing, and they'd have to be immensely financially compensated, you know, basically bought out, you know, for the going rate of a third of a kingdom, which was a lot of money and a lot of land. They got a lot of land parcels. They got a lot of castles in the deal, and suddenly they were very wealthy.

And then on May 24th, 1136, after bringing fame fortune to the little band of religious warriors he created, Hugh of Pion, he died, no contemporary chronicler, mentioned the circumstances of his passing. After his death, the order he formed continued to expand its wealth and power. March 29th, 1139 Pope innocent, the second issued a bull addressed to the Templars gave

them even more power, so much more power actually. Without Pope innocent in the second support, I don't think we'd be talking about the Templars still today. They'd be a little footnote. But he told the Templar Knights to always bear on your chest the sign of the life giving cross, that little red cross, emblazoned on the Templar Knights white mannels which has become iconic, and he gave them an extraordinary range of privileges. He placed the Templars under the protection and tutelage of the Holy See for all time to come.

So now they had the answer to no one but the Pope. They were made explicitly independent across Christianity, Christiandom, from the authority of kings and patriarchs, barons, and bishops. Their customs were sweepingly declared to be free from the med meddling of any ecclesiastical or secular person. The Templars were designated defenders of the Catholic Church, attackers of the enemies of Christ, a license so broad that it was effectively all encompassing. They were exempted from tithing as well, which alone was huge. They didn't have to pass any of their wealth they collected to their local bishop, archbishop, or abbot.

This would allow them in time to amass untold riches. It's like being able to be made like I guess a non-profit. You know, when you get to pay taxes on any of your income, they could appoint their own private priest to administer the sacraments and divine offices ignoring the authority of local bishops. So Templar priests answerable only to the Templar master, or their local master, so they had their own master, you know, or their local master, so they had their own internal hierarchy now, highly unusual state of affairs, because the master didn't even have to be ordained. And here's the big upgrade. They were protected by the ultimate papal sanction. Anyone who harassed them would be ex-communicated for bitten to partake of the most holy body or the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ and sentence to severe punishment

at the final judgment. Think about how revolutionary that is. The pope made these Templars essentially above the law. They were answerable only to the pope. They were the pope's army now. Kings could not fuck with them, right? Anyone who harassed them would be excommunicated. That includes kings. You know, no one got to mess with them they got to get the arti we had licensed to kill uh... now they don't have to pay taxes there not be holding to the rulers of any land so they don't have to pay taxes in the various lands or castle on to any of the

rulers in those places they get to keep all their money they get to do what they want you know they get to kill the c fit uh... they were it was it reminds me of when president true informed the c i.e. right after world war two you know it's like this organization this is able to now act autonomously plan missions carry out kill you need to kill as long as you defend and you know my land my empire

you don't need anyone's permission not even mine that's a lot of power you know they didn't even have to go to the church not to check in you they had to check in, you know, with each mission. Now just man, just fucking protect, protect the pilgrims, protect the Holy Land, and you can get as much money as you need, and you can do what you want. Unbelievable. This is why they became so famous and powerful. So, Innocent support of the Templars did make sense. He had been helped through a major political crisis between 1813 and 1838 by that guy Bernard of Clare Vaux, we talked about earlier, the influential French monk who was a big fan

of the Templars. The papacy had fallen to a schism. Oh man, not a schism. And Bernard had backed Innocence claim over some other dude named Antichlidus II. And Bernard's support greatly aided Innocence quest for the Holy Throne. Bernard helped innocent become Pope. Then once Pope, you scratch my back, all scratchers. He then helps out Bernard's favorite order, the nice Templar. The Templars excellent, excuse me, relations with the papacy would continue well into the middle of the 12th century. More

donations now are flowing in. They've, they'll be given more prestige. The riches flowed in principally from France, England, and Spain. Then in order to manage the properties and gifts they were receiving and to coordinate the process of funneling about a third of their income, you know, to the Holy Land that they needed to have to defend mountain passes, citadeles, castles, you know, everything else. They were also defending, you know, the routes to get their popular pilgrimage routes. Western Europe became organized under the authority of senior officials within the Knights Templar. Small grants of land, parceled up into different estates overseen by a series of

monastic style houses known as precipitaries or commandories. And now they kind of became Europe's first corporation, right? Kind of this quasi-nation, right? They had massive growth, massive money influx. Now they got to get kind of organized themselves, you know, they got to organize these routes for pilgrims to follow to make it to the Holy Land. They got to make sure that each, you know, little area is properly funded. They'd become like, you know, a bureaucracy. And most nights, Temple would actually not be soldiers.

They would be all the people kind of running the corporation, so to speak. All the people making sure that they had the right money here, and you know, you got to have, you got to get these guys fed here, and you got to get these guys housed, and you got to get these guys overseen. These peasants who are working land that now belong to the Templar make sure they're doing their job. A lot of office work for the Templars now. They would lease out some of their vast holdings to be farmed for crops, graze according to its location. Many of the perceptories

would have been hard to distinguish from a regular kind of monastery. They were staffed by handful of sergeants, had a roster of servants to and menial work to support them. Around this time also, in the 1830s, the order made huge gains in England, profiting from a bloody conflict now known as the Anarchy that engulfed the kingdom following the death of King Henry I. You know, like there was two sides waging for the claim of the throne, and both were kind of going to the Templars for political support, spiritual assistance. And the Templars, you know, promised to pray for their good fortune and immortal souls

in exchange for getting more shit. During the Anarchy, so many gifts flowed in land and property and Oxfordshire, Herfordshire, Essex, Bedfordshire, Lincolnshire, a lot of shires, Berkshire, Sussex, so much shire money flowing in. Dozens of Templar houses are springing up, all the way from the Gulf of, Gulf, excuse me, of Genoa to the new Atlantic Kingdom

of Portugal, which is also being clawed out of Islamic hands and res, of Genoa to the new Atlantic Kingdom of Portugal, which was also being clawed out of Islamic hands and resettled by Christians under the self-proclaimed First King of Portugal, a fond of the First, with every advance, each gift they received, the Templars' wealth increases, their ability to pursue the Holy War, grows, and their famed spreads. In the 1130s and 1140s, they flood into Spain to help rid the Iberian Peninsula of Muslim control. They were given fortresses there to protect, like the hilltop fortress in Monzone, proudly built by the 11th century Arab rulers of Serragosa,

was redeveloped under Templar ownership to include new defensive walls and towers and stables and barracks. And a lot of these Templar castles and fortifications have survived to this day. And they're famous also. They have like elaborate tunnels underground to help people escape during sieges like they were really fortified really well. They were really good at maintaining and fortifying castles. And, you know, now they're they

have a stake in the Iberian crusades because they're in Spain now. So by the 1140s, they're famous all over the Christian world. And due to the network of castles and fortresses they'd come to possess, they also became 12th century year of most important bankers. And this is part of the Templar mythology. Not sure how intentional that was, I think it just kind of fell into their lap. It's like we have this route that we protect. And you know, they became that route was the only way to basically get from like England or Spain or France all the way to the new kingdoms in the Holy Land. And so, you know, if you wanted, if you needed your money to do some things over there, to help with your crusade or establish, you know, a new life yourself out there, you could deposit basically money in a Templar castle slash bank in Paris or in Spain or in England.

And then you could access money, you know, and you didn't have to carry it and risk having it stolen as you made it to the Holy Land. So this gives them a lot of money because then they become like a bank now, you money, and you didn't have to carry it and risk having it stolen as you made it to the Holy Land. So this gives them a lot of money because then they become like a bank now, and they're able to fund other wars and loan money to kings and kingdoms. Yeah, they become their own little corporation. They're actively engaged in a Holy Land battles now

with their new wealth and extra men, winning some, losing some, they failed to take Damascus from the Muslims in a siege in 1129 that the Baldwin was so into King Baldwin. They didn't get it, but they did beat Muslim armies on other fields of battle, such as the Battle of Azaz in 1126, when Templars and other Crusaders killed and estimated 2,000 Muslim warriors and lost less than 25 soldiers themselves. They were famous for being, you know, very organized fighters of the day, some of the most organized, most well-trained men of medieval Europe. In 1147, more was expected from them. They were to assist the kings of Europe, not in a

few skirmishes here and there now, but in another crusade, the big second crusade, one that was hoped to push Muslims out of the whole of the forever worthy up to this monumental task we're gonna find out soon first let's back up three years the event that led to the tempers galloping into crusading action the siege of a desa this uh... this battle would be the catalyst for western europe's second crusade uh... and let's talk about a monster crucial to this battle that would make even

Chikotilo shudder a Islamic ruler named Zenghi please do not speak for Chikotilo only Chikotilo decide when to shudder do not make me rassal you suck man rassal is so hard men are like the rassal he kind of he almost became a telling for a second from okay November 28th to December 24th, 1144, we're gonna talk about this siege of Odessa and it involves a scary motherfucker, the governor of Mizzoul, an Aleppo named Zengi, a dude you didn't wanna piss off.

He was a man, cut from the same cloth as Vlad the Impaler, bloodthirsty sadist who psychologically intimidated his enemies through extreme violence. Zengi was an accomplished warrior himself, who at 60, at the time of the siege, was apparently still quite the archer possessing a deadly shot home to countless hours, spent hunting everything from gazelles to hyenas. He was battle hardened.

He had decades of warfare beneath his belt. And now he wants a desa. He'd previously crucified his own, this is the kind of guy he was. He'd previously crucified his own troops from marching out of line and trampling crops one time, crucified him, nailed into wood because they trampled some crops left him to die. If his military commanders irked him, failed in battle, you know, he didn't care for many more. He would kill him or banish him.

Sometimes he would castrate their children as further punishment. There's a story about him getting into an argument with one of his wives and then he didn't lie hit. And like what she she said so immediately divorces her and then has her dragged to a stable block dragged to his horse tables and then has the the men who care for his horse's raper while he watches and this is what contemporaries uh... of his day say about him i'm taking all its info from a bunch of

university publications uh... excuse me one being called uh... abominable acts the career of zangie by carol hillbrand from the manchester university press applications. Excuse me, one being called a Bominable Acts, the career of Zenghi by Carol Hillbrand from the Manchester University Press. She's a professor of Islamic study at the University of Edinburgh, been a professor of history at Oxford, specializing in the Crusades, Middle Eastern medieval history. So she seems to know her shit. And I only mention a source now. I mean, all these episodes have tons of sources. I only mentioned it right here with Zenghi because the depictions of him just became so cartoonishly evil to me. I

was like, is this your legit? Did he really do this stuff? It started to seem like just slander and just myth. But apparently, he was astute. Apparently, even those who admired him thought he was terrifying. He was the Islamic Vladimir Peler basically, an Islamic Nero or Caligula. He was the Islamic Vladimir Peler basically, an Islamic Neuro or Caligula. One of the most terrifying military leaders of the whole theater of Islamic and Christian conflict. And why was he such a bastard? Well, I don't have any historical evidence to back this up, but there is a chance he just wasn't getting a good night's sleep.

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and you find yourself saying, what does big deal? I like sleep here. And then you're asked to leave. Get $160 off when you go to Lisa, L E E S A Lisa dot com slash time suck link in the episode description. If you need a mattress upgrade, use the promo coding get one now back to the siege of a desa. A Odessa, the city he staged, Zenghi was a coveted jewel of the Christian East, a cosmopolitan blend of Greek, Armenian Christians, the Franks, relatively small ruling class of the Crusading Franks, whose home shops and bejeweled churches were according to historical witnesses surrounded by a massive wall protected by lofty towers. Uh, a desk up possessed the holy shrine of the Apostle St. Thomas, doubting Thomas, St.

Dadeus, dozens of other precious relics and monuments ruled by Count Jocelyn II. Now, Jocelyn appears to have been an incompetent jackass of a leader, according to his contemporaries, who has viewed as a mediocre military campaigner at best, drunk womanizer, just kind of uh... it's kind of a and uh... while while zangie prepared to ran sack his town he and the majority of his army or several days travel away just chilling out in some other city within his kingdom leaving a desa virtually unguarded

and so while josson was away zangie has his men dig a tunnel beneath a vulnerable stretch of the city wall and uh... this is a genius to me the way they they ruin the wall and let themselves in the city uh... he digs a tunnel that goes underneath the city. It's all support beams and structured so they can dig it. And then once it's all dug, these beams that they use to make tunnel that have been deliberately smeared with grease and tar and sulfur, so they'd be very flammable. He lights it on fire, lights the tunnel structure on fire. It burns very fast and then collapses the tunnel which causes a sinkhole above the tunnel

which causes a large section of the stonework of the wall to crumble. The mortar holding the fortification, protecting the city, cracks, crumbles, whole structure falls apart. Large gap, about 150 feet cross opens up and his force has just rush over the rubble and put the city to the sword. 6,000 men, women and children are killed in day one. Panic grips the city, of course it does. They're stampeding to try to get to the 45th city, the Franks in the middle of the city. There's only leads to more deaths.

You know, and then the rush of people getting in there, dozens of more people are trampled. A room of 10,000 children were taken and sold into slavery from the city. The archbishop of Odessa, a man named Hugo, is literally cut to pieces with an axe, like cut to actual different pieces. She was so brutal back then, the Muslims taken back Odessa without even having

to put up much of a fight. And the Western kingdoms of Christianity were outraged and furious and plans for another crusader drawn up. So by 1147 forces planning a new crusader gathering around the Templars home now in Paris to march back to the middle to the Middle East. Take back a desa, you know, push the Muslims back out of their new kingdoms. The French king Louis, the seventh king louis the the the the seventh king conrad the the third uh... germany agree to lead the crusade this time around they're going to go bigger than they had in the first crusade actual kings now

leading this one and the temple is going to go in a company and protect them in a system in battle well there at least louis uh... louis uh... conrad struck uh... struck out without temple assistance that didn't work out well for him when he came down from germany king conrad the third third led roughly 25,000 troops down from Germany and they were all but annihilated by a Muslim forces near Doroleum on October 25th. Lesson one and five of his troops survived.

His men were slaughtered. The remaining roughly 2,000 troops met up with King Louis VII troops at the small Turkish settlement of Lopidium, marched towards Odessa, then Conrad Falls ill, recovers and const noble, and then reaches Jerusalem and reconnects with King Louis and the Templars a few months later. I can't find a historical record. I can't find a single one that gives a definitive number of total troops, King Louis led, but I guess within his ranks were approximately 300 nights Templars.

And they travel along various routes that the various Templar fortifications had been protecting. And they continue cautiously along the coastal road that eventually would lead them through a steep pass over Mount Cadmus in present day Turkey. And there they encounter Muslim forces. Turkish forces had been shadowing the army for miles, spring forth upon them, fell upon them. Their main and rear divisions who were still struggling up the slope to get over this

mount as they tried to go through the past. fell upon them, their main in rear divisions, who were still struggling up the slope to get over this mount as they tried to go through the past. King Louis was unhorst early on during the battle, took refuge, depending on accounts either amongst the rocks or hit up in a tree, hiding up in a tree during battle. That had to have been embarrassing afterwards when a lot of your guys died, and meanwhile you've been hiding up in a tree.

I mean, I'm not saying I wouldn't also hide up in a tree, but you're probably not going to talk much about that later if you live. During the slaughter in chaos, the Templars distinguished themselves as the only discipline fighting force within King Louis' ranks capable of delivering counter blows to the Muslims. If not for the band of just 300 Templars, King Louis, his queen and the rest of his ranks would have perished for sure. By the time darkness had fallen, the ranks would have perished for sure by the time darkness uh... had fallen to her to be driven back uh... several times by the uh... the templars

and the temples and crusaders received severe losses particular to their horses and baguette train uh... to my knowledge though to my uh... research uh... even in the most stressful moments this battle no squires were beaten by their night so they're still follow in the rule so that's pretty good after either sneaking out from behind some rocks or climbing down from a tree, King Louis turned the command of his entire army

over to the Templars, saying, you know, basically, you guys do it. If you, I don't know if he said this, but maybe he also said, you know, if you need me going forward, and you can't find me on battle, just look up in the trees. I'll be hiding.

There's a good chance I'll be hiding. I don't like this as much as I thought I would. Just, and if you do me, do me a solid. Don't stare too long at me when I'm in the trees and alert the Muslims to my location if you don't mind. The Templars, they're able to fight out four additional attacks as they take the remnants of King Louis forces to the Byzantine port of Adalia.

Once there, King Louis sounds kind of dick. He abandons the common crusaders who had fought for him, sales with his wife and leading nobles to Antioch. And then the people he abandoned just died of the plague. This is according to the accounts, either died of the plague or starved to death or had to sell themselves into Turkish slavery to survive. That's back in terrible. You know, initially in the battle, King Louis is like, we're going to do this.

We're going to take back we're gonna take back. We will take back the kingdom for the glory of God. And everybody's like, hey, we're gonna take back. We're King Louis gonna take us down there and kick some ass. And they's like, yes, we're gonna kick some ass. And then the first battle, like they, you know, they seem like, what's he fucking doing in the tree? Why is he in the tree now?

You know, and then after the text, I'm about the tree thing, but I'll go in forward, I'm gonna be much better. I'm gonna be a better leader. And then they make it to a place where they can sail away. I'm like, ah, thank you, King Louis. We're gonna, no, no, you don't get in the boat. You, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to, I know you followed me.

I know you gave up all your possessions and life back in France and I told you some things, but look, I gotta do what I gotta do for me. You know what I'm saying? You hear me? You feel me? I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm gonna work on me now. I gotta do me now. And you guys, not gonna be good for you. You're probably gonna starve, but tell yourselves in this

slavery is really your best option. It's terrible. March of 1148, King Louis arrives in Antioch with no army, no money, you know, not a good reputation. And then the townpers prove themselves to be valuable again. You know, he'd been very good to them. So they loan him such a great amount of money to continue the crusade that he had to take half of France's

annual income to pay them back later, 30,000 pounds, 2,000 Marxist silver. And then Louis amasses a new army of crusaders. I'm guessing he had to have a talk with the townpers, hey, when we're getting the new recruits, could you not, let's not talk about the tree. Don't tell him about the tree and don't tell him about abandon everyone to starve to death. If you don't, I don't think that'll be good for recruitment. But, but they, they, they get a bunch of people and then King Louis does another thing, you know, makes another bad decision. After a big

series of meetings, begun on Thursday, June 24, 1148, the feast day of Saint John the Baptist, in the town of Palamera near Ocker. A meeting that would be known as the Council of Ocker, a meeting intended by, and by the way, it is pronounced Ocker just to avoid pronunciation emails for that word. I know it's spelled acre. I know the word is usually pronounced acre. The ancient city is known as Ocker. From everything I found. So, so yeah these meetings attended by more less every word important person in the uh... crusader kingdoms king conrad king louis

each year old king baldwin the third of jr.slam uh... in this meeting louis uh... steers the meeting into attacking to mascus instead of a desk he thinks they should just go for the masca that'll be you know more prestigious even though they'll get it they'll get a decilator and a desert remember is the whole reason they had they had started this crusade of a a desiccating sacked now historians puzzled by this decision to this day uh... doesn't make a lot of sense because in eleven forty eight the the governor of Damascus was technically an ally of the kingdom of to russlam and both you

know kingdom shared a common enemy uh... of the and both you know kingdom share a common enemy uh... of the you know zangie that guy we talked about earlier that man who you know was fucking terrible and uh... crucified his own troops and had one of his wife you know raped uh... that guy was killed in his sleep by a servant he probably tortured a cast rate back in eleven forty six but his kingdom you know lives on his and also the pope had sent the crusaders again back to take a desu not to mask us uh... decision to no longer siege a desu may have been based on the fact that by the time they finally got there

basically all the christians who were living in a desu were dead uh... that count jostle and guy the guy that wasn't you know a great leader he did try to retake his city when when it after he made a back after he was gone for a while and been it had been sacked. And the decision to do this results in the death or enslavement of the remaining Christian population a few months later. He himself survived only to be captured by Muslims a short time later. And man, the fate to some of these people, he was captured and then he was quote, publicly

blinded, which I'm guess was a painful thing. I don't know if he burned his eyes out or exactly how they blin but they blinded him then he was chained up in a lepo prison dungeon where he would die there uh... in eleven fifty nine so much horrible death in every medieval suck thank them rot we did not live back then hate him not for not living in medieval times anyway bad call by louis to pursue Damascus. It was heavily guarded. Local geography made it a real pain in the ass to attack. So the city walls, while they were relatively small and weak, they were surrounded by miles of orchards, miles of fruit trees, and dense, thicket of trees, you know, that was walled off into little plots. They would have

to funnel seeding troops into little single track paths. So, you know, very hard to get your siege weapons over to the walls when you have to go through the orchard. So, you know, very hard to get your siege weapons over to the walls when you have to go through the orchard. So between July 24th and July 29th, 1148, the siege of Damascus takes place. William of Tier described the tense, claustrophobic approach to Damascus as the armies of the three Christian kings picked their way, often in single file through the narrow orchard paths on the outskirts of the city. The tracks they used were, quote, wide enough to allow gardeners and caretakers to pass through them with pack animals that carry the fruit to the city. But for large body of troops dragging weapons and the machinery of war leading oxygen and

camels hauling a huge baggage train. They were dangerously inadequate defenders hid between the trees. They would leap out to attack the soldiers as they passed or they would take aim from the various watchtowers placed here and there to guard the orchards from trespassers. William said, from these vantage points, they kept up a constant downpour of arrows and other missiles. Mudwalls, hid men carrying lances who spied on the invaders through peepholes, waiting for the best moment to spear their enemy from the side. Fuck, man.

The crusaders advanced in peril of instant death. William wrote, from every direction there was equal danger. Think about that as your life. You're walking through this fruit orchard. All of a sudden you get, where there's like a mud wall in your side, you're tired, you don't even pay attention. Also, the lance just chuked out from a hole in the wall and stabs you to death.

Or you're walking along and all of a sudden just a bunch of arrows rain down upon you. And you can't see shit shit because you're in the trees It truly is that you can't see the forest from the trees kind of thing. Oh Terrible Rinds you've like grown up some grown up version of like the war games out plays a kid I don't know if any of you played those, you know, I spent a lot of time in the woods as a kid You know, you'd be like one you have a couple friends, you know

There's somebody was the bad guy and the bad guys usually hide behind the trees You know that shoot usually hide behind the trees. You know, they shoot you from behind the trees. It's one of those games you played that would always end with the different version of the same argument that I see now in my kids. Those games always ended with like, I shot you. No, you didn't, I dodged it.

You can't dodge your arrows. Yeah, yeah, I can, I can't. No, you can't, I shot you, asshole. Tell him, my mom, you call me an asshole. No way, okay, wait, you did, okay, you're right. I didn't shoot you. Well, this treacherous landscape doesn't stop the crusaders from advancing, you know.

They were like, now man, God, don't our side. Let's get them, let's get those fucking Muslims. Burn them, burn their city. Come on, let's get those infidels. The Templars and Crusaders, they force a path, painstakingly through the orchards, demolishing little walls and barricades, set up along the way, hacking their way between the trees.

Finally, they reached the banks of the river Berata, passed under, which a river that passed under Damascus as city walls, a regiment had been assembled on the banks of the river, lined up with catapults, archers to defend the city gates. But a furious direct charge by Conrad's German cavalry scattered this first force. Knights left from their horses, ran forward with their swords swinging. Conrad himself fought in the fray with noted success it was said he savage one turkish night so grievously that he cut off this is a quote to cut off the man's head left shoulder arm and part of his torso with a single blow. I mean, that sounds a little outrageous to me, but that's what supposedly he did

and that is some badass medieval kingship that went down that is one of the best scenes and a really good big budget movie that has been made yet that's a hollywood blockbuster kingship that's a jarard butler in the three hundred shit so soon the river leading to the western suburbs of the mascus was secured the crusaders now began digging in erect their own barricades in the orchard you know uh... building it with trees they cut down from the orchard the and then these guys got cocky you know again under their under louise mill leadership

primarily i feel like he was just not good at this there there's so confident of a swift triumph they didn't bring siege engines uh... or provisions uh... you know to last more than a few days and then abruptly they decide to abandon the offensive on the western side of the city and move instead to a new position in the southeast where, you know, their intelligence suggests that the orchards were thinner, the walls weaker and a victory would be faster. And the removal of this army causes widespread grumbling.

People are not happy. They think like, no, man, let's just take it here. And this grumbling would be justified. Once it gets a new position, they find it it it was totally well defended their intelligence was wrong it's not an all-in-open door to conquest and there's not enough orchards now to feed their besee gene army so now the army is starting to start if you can take the time to take over a fruit orchard stand the fucking orchard

eat that fruit telephightings over uh... says the guy who has no fighting experience any possibility returning to the west side of the city had immediately been cut off uh... having the scene the franks move the city's defenders they stuck out they barricade the roads with huge rocks and you know fallen trees guarded by archers so the guys can't make it back to the original base they just secured so the christians now can no longer go forward they can't make it back you know the leading lords assemble for a conference and they conclude after a terrible discussion

with accusations of treachery or thrown around, that basically the only strategy now is just to pack up and go home after all that. After all that, after all the people died making it all that way, they're like, ah, shit, let's go back. These men had traveled thousands of miles enduring disease, starvation, shipwrecks, ambushes, poverty. I mean, there's so many, I mean, just the detail of that trip, I gave you all of it would

be a whole suck and do itself, you know. And they're trying to follow in the footsteps of the first crusaders and win a bunch of magnificent victories, the name of the Lord, but in the end, the Eastern thrust of the second crusade turns out to be nothing more than a four day hike through a booby-trap fruit field, few isolated skirmishes and an impotent retreat. Man, worst summer vacation ever. Headed back to Jerusalem, adding to their shame and embarrassment, the army encountered numerous ancient street vendors selling. I came for a crusade and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Just, you know, so that's stung, a little extra that, of course, that never happened.

But yeah, they take it back. Conrad left the Holy Land in September 1148. Louis stayed for seven more months, celebrating Easter in Jerusalem before he had in home with his head down to France in late April. This crusade didn't work out nearly as well for the first one, but despite not taking to masses, they don't even try for a desert after that defeat. They really don't make any progress at all in the second crusade. The legend of the Templars grows because Louis came back an even bigger fan of the Templars than he was when he left. He felt like he owed his life to them. So at least he was good that way.

You know, he felt like they had done their job with as much diligence and devotion as anyone could have reasonably expected. Their purpose was to protect pilgrims and they did protect him, you know, in their role of escorting defending, you know, training, financing, advising, fighting alongside the pilgrims of the second crusade, they did their duty. They risked their lives. They courted bankruptcy when they loaned them all that money to prop up his effort to continue the crusade. And so, you know, again, despite not destroying Muslim armies, they were stained as a more

capable or as a more than capable fighting force. You know, they continued to help secure what Crusader states remain, such as Jerusalem. Against Muslim attacks for decades, they continued to help protect Western pilgrims on their journey to Jerusalem and other Holy Land destinations, still under Christian control, and they continued to grow in wealth. And they did kick some major ass from time to time. Let's jump up to 1177 and talk about one of those ass kickings. On November 25, 1177, 16 year old king, Baldwin IV, ruler of the kingdom of Jerusalem, a dude also known as the leper king. I had heard that term before. I didn't know who it was. The leper king,

he suffered from leprosy. This poor bastard during this battle, this poor, very brave, tough dude, fought from horseback, used his sword with his left hand because his dominant right hand was rendered useless recently from leprosy. Leprosy, in addition to essentially riding off your skin, can also attack your nerves and damage joints and wreak all kinds of extra havoc on your deteriorating body. That would be terrible. And because it was contagious, how much would it suck to have been part of his court? Right?

He was also supposed to produce a male heir as King's War. How terrible for whoever was supposed to be queen. Luckily there was no queen. Never wed. Reading about him, I actually wondered, like, can Leprosy run off your dick? Like, I wonder if it ran as his dick off? I had that thought.

And then I took it probably to a place I didn't need to. And I googled, can Leprosy run off your dick? And just in case you're all so curious, there's no evidence of that. There is no evidence of that ever happening. So he probably did in fact have a working dick that historians didn't talk about that he could have made errors with. But this could poor guy, he died at the age of 24 after leprosy further and could pass to him left him blind in the end. The crown would end that go to his nephew who sadly would also not be healthy, would die at the age of nine.

Not sure if he had lepers here or not. Historians just described him as being sickly and no one expected that kid to live to adulthood. Well, the leper king, several thousand infantry men, 500 Templar knights, go up against an army of 26,000 Muslims led by Saladin, the Sultan of Egypt and Syria. Saladin was marching towards Jerusalem with his large army to take the kingdom from the Christians and the leper king and his Templars rode out to intercept him. They caught Saladin's men totally by surprise as they were attempting to cross a stream. They were weary from travel and panic. When the Templars attacked, they scrambled

to perform defensive lines and the young king was seen fighting the leper king, fighting in the thick of battle, bandages covering his sores as he fought. And they kicked some serious ass, they inflicted heavy casualties, Saladin only escaped himself by fleeing on the back of a camel, by nightfall, Saladin's army scattered and fighting with no real leadership lost 90% of their men over 20,000 estimated

to have been slaughtered, while the lepre king lost only around 1500 total troops. So go lepre king, for the lepre kings, it's all have been slaughtered, while the leopard king lost only around 1500 total troops. So go lepre king. For the leopard kings at Jolly Good Fellow, the leopard kings at Jolly Good Fellow, the leopard kings at Jolly Good Fellow. Should I think this pinky just fell off? That's what they may have sung.

I don't have any evidence of that, but I like to think they sung that. And then regretted it, because he was like, he gave him a look like, fuck dudes, we all know I have it. Why would you add that part at the end? Have the Knights Templar, Napa there to assist young King Baldwin

who would die in 1185, excuse me, odds are Jerusalem falls to the Muslims in 1177. So that was a nice victory for the Templars. Saladin would take Jerusalem from the Templars less than a decade later though. Or less than a decade later, though. Lesson or less, yeah, less than a decade later. And also two years after Baldwin, the King fifth death in 1185. So yeah, and that would be in 1187. So let's talk about that. July 4th, 1187, Saladin would pave the way for the fall of the Kingdom of Jerusalem with a victory in the

battle of Hatton. This battle was featured in that old Orlando Bloom, Liam Neeson, Eve a green movie, Kingdom of Heaven, for those of you who saw it. Saladin already had Damascus, in 1183, he'd taken Aleppo. By 1187, he controlled the southern and eastern flanks at the Crusader States. Two months prior, following the death

of the Leopard King's nephew, the child King, bought one of the fifth, there was various claims to the throne that left a power vacuum there like chaos that sounds now familiar with talked about those things happening numerous times in the europe recently in the june of arksuck i can power vacuums adding to further instability to an incredibly unsavable world

uh... the current master the night's template jarrard of right for it others were sent from jirusselm to type areas to negotiate with rain in the third of triply to support the claim of guy of Luzion to be king knowing the journey would be dangerous to our travel with about 130 nights and 400 infantry men. And they're doing this again. They're traveling to kind of like, no, guys, we got to decide on who's the leader and protect ourselves from the Muslims.

Want to be known to them, Saladin had sent a small force to Tiberius in retaliation for a kingdom of Jerusalem attack on one of his caravans. Some accounts claim he sent as many as 7,000 men. 700 seems to be more likely accounts of this battle from contemporaries very wildly. That's one thing too if you're a student of the Templars. One of the books I was reading, one of the sources talked about how there is, basically accounts very pretty wildly about a lot of these things. When you're talking about numbers of people who died, even some of the names who supposedly Now there is, like basically accounts very pretty wildly about a lot of these things.

When you're talking about numbers of people who died, even like some of the names who supposedly fought in some of these battles, legends got tossed around on both sides and eventually like this historian said, you just gotta kinda pick one and hope it's right. So if there are some things in this episode, you're like, I don't know about that. Well, neither do the historians.

Saladin forces kicked a shit out of the Templars, allegedly. No, that did happen. This did happen. Only three Templars survived the attack, including Master Templar himself, again, Gerard of right force. They got really slaughtered. And then while the Kingdom of Jerusalem is still really from this law, Saladin attacks again. He sends the largest army he'd ever assembled to the Tiberius, a little over 70 miles north east of Jerusalem. He led around 30,000 men, including about 12,000 regular cavalry. The Crusaders fought back with an army of about 20,000 men, including 1200 knights from

Jerusalem. On July 3rd, Saladin lured Crusader forces into moving their field army away from their encampment by some springs. Man, Crusaders, first you leave the fruit trees and now you're leaving the water Not good and it really wasn't good once the crusaders left the water pursuing a small force of Muslims a larger force cut them off It's like the orchard all over again. They leave the supplies they need to you know prolong their battles And then once they leave the spot that has either the food or the water they need the Muslims cut them off for going back there And then the Muslims surround them and then they do stuff like set grass on fire around the Crusaders to have the smoke, you know, pour over them, make them even thirstier, pretty

genius. The Muslims surrounded the camp so closely that according to a chronicler of the event, a cat could not have escaped. The Crusaders became despondent, tormented by thirst and smoke. You know, saladins, men are jubilant in the anticipation of their victory throughout the nights before really attacking them. They further demoralized their custoders by praying, singing, beating drums, showing symbols and chanting.

And then in the morning of July 4th, Thursday, demoralized, their custoders break camp, change direction to try and make it to some springs in the village of Hatton. The ragged approach was attacked by a salad and's army blocked the route, any possible retreat he blocked as well. Some custoders were able to try to sneak out as they tried to make it now to Lake Tiberius to get water there, and they were able to escape and make it to tier. Overwhelmed by thirst, the rest of the army are just butchered or taken prisoner. When all was said and done, only around 3,000 total Christians escaped defeat.

And remember, there was, you know, to start the battle, was a force of of around twenty thousand so yeah twenty thousand down to the three all the tempers we're either killed or taken prisoner uh... all those taken prisoner around two hundred nights with the exception of the grand master jarred of right for it were decapitated so about two hundred tempers literally lost their heads in this battle jarard is released by the salad in uh by Saladin, excuse me, on the condition that he convinced a Templar fortress to surrender peacefully.

And then he goes to Tortosa, where instead of convincing the Templar forces there to surrender, he leads the Templars' defense of their castle, which holds out even after the town of Tortosa falls to Saladin's siege forces. So fuck, second Saladin. I'll teach you to release the Templar. Gerard then makes it to, to tear where the Templars had a large amount of money given to them by King Henry II of England that stored their tear was also where the remaining crusaders fled after the Battle of Hattin. By the end of 1187, tear would be all that remaining Christian hands from the original Kingdom of Jerusalem. This is one little city

on the coast. It's one little town. This town was stood a siege by Saladin and ended on January 1st, 1188 and everything else again, including Jerusalem had fallen back into Muslim hands. In 1189, Gerard would be captured once again by Saladin when he led more Templar knights to fight in the siege of Acker that kicked off the third crusade when Europe rallied again to attack Saladin and take back some of the Holy Land. First crusade, real good.

Second crusade, real bad. Third crusade, pretty good, not as good as the first. Ships of soldiers and more Templars make it to tier between 1187 and 1189. And they decide to take a stab at the port city of Acre as well, about 30 miles south. The siege of Acre begins in august eleven eighty nine they would take the city uh... after a steady diet of reinforcements arrived in ships from europe full of people like king uh... richard the lion heart

in july eleven ninety one uh... but your are not see that victory he would be decapitated he would also lose his head you know he was the one guy let go from the previous fight that didn't lose his head of the tempers and then uh... once salad and took him prisoner again, he's like, ah, fool me once, shame on me. And when I see you next, I'm a, I'm a cut your fucking head off. And many other Templars were also lost in that battle.

The victory improved things temporarily once again for the crusading Franks, which also did improve things for the Templars after taking back Acre. The Templars would randomly be put in charge of the entire island of Cyprus in 1191, uh, Richard the Lionheart, King of England ended up conquering Cyprus, kind of by accident on his way to this, uh, third crusade. Some of his ships on the way to Acre crashed near the island nation and the soldiers made it to shore and were taken captive by local Byzantine governor. And then Richard's sister and wife needed to enter a port in cypress and were denied that were not allowed to get water there so when he made it he's pissed off

and he conquered it to take his men back and then decided it would be a good place to keep as a base to launch crusades from because you know it's very close to Jerusalem and all that uh... locals were unruly though and he didn't want to you know get the bog down in bureaucracy and get distracted from his crusade efforts so he sold the island to the night's templer for a hundred thousand of bsons or bison tm gold coins forty thousand of which was to be paid immediately the remainder you paid installments and they ruled it night's templer for about a year and then on each or seven eleven eight uh... excuse me eleven ninety two they talked king richard to

take it back because i guess uh... the the locals were were very difficult to rule just a weird little piece of trivia the or the night's templer have their own metatrain island nation for a little while uh... just owned just owned it uh... at this point with the templer still kicking ass you know kind of an eleven ninety two let's leave today's time stock timeline

good job soldier made it back Man so much fighting I hope it's made sense I know to a lot of names in days so much back and forth man But that's it it really was such a chaotic time and the Holy, think about how many have died trying to help claim it for the religious intense shit. After losing their headquarters in Jerusalem, and that second crusade, the Templars would set up a new headquarters and hacker after that was taken back. And while they remained a powerful player in Christian Europe for the next century and change, they would never be the same.

Their power would decrease. The power of the crusaders in general would just kind of fall away. The fall of the Templars was slowly beginning already and it would come to a dramatic end in 1312, which we'll talk about next week in part two, the fall of the Knights Templar. And even more fun, we'll dig into various wacky, doodle conspiracy that revolve around the Knights Templar

and we'll have fun with the idiots of the internet, this next episode,, what they had to say with all these conspiracies. But just kind of like summary of today, they were just revolutionary where they were born out of the first crusade when the Western Europe decided they wanted to take the Holy Land back for the Muslim because they didn't like how Christians were being treated there and they just wanted it. I'm sure it's important to their faith.

And you know, once they kind of start kicking ass there, they realized they need to establish some group of people to really kind of protect it and to protect people getting there. Various groups are kind of popping up, but it was the night's template that it became the the preeminent one, the one that would really take that responsibility. And then they, you know, Hugh of Pion goes on a responsibility and then they you know uh... you have pion goes on a big diplomatic tour you know a couple years later and he gets a lot of important people on the side and you get a lot of money gets a lot of wealth and then they get all that power from the pope they're given

license to kill the given autonomy uh... you know and they get to have all of that as long as they continue to protect christian interest is just dependent on that and then through the network they assemble to protect the routes of pilgrims. They become incredibly wealthy. And that's kind of where a lot of the conspiracies as you'll see this next week kind of come out of. That's the mystique around them.

It's all this money they had hidden and all these, they did hide it. They did for sure hide money to keep ranch dacres from taking it in various battles and all the fortifications, and, you know, all the holy relics that are, you know, supposedly floating around, I say supposed it because these people believe these relics were, you know, from the crucifix or from, you know, Virgin Mary. I don't know that that's true, but they thought it was true.

And so, you know, you get all these conspiracies around, this supposed relics that came into their possession and the wealth and, yeah, just, you know, they became fascinating to conspiracies around this supposed relics that came into their possession and the wealth and yeah, just you know They became fascinating to people. Okay, so for today Let's further recap a little more organized fashion what we've learned so far and in part one with some top five takeaways Number one the night's template founded in 11, started off with just a handful of soldiers, such as first Master Templar, Hugh of Pion, who wanted to protect Christian pilgrims and expand the newly formed Crusader states by ridding the Middle East of Muslim rulers.

Number two, within a decade of forming the Knights Templar, they were given a license to kill by the Pope. Within two decades, another Pope made them beholden to no one, other than the Pope, and made it a sin to stand up against him. These powers, plus not having to tithe, made the head of the Templars, the master Templar, essentially more powerful in a lot of ways than a king. Number three, the Knights Templar swore into poverty, became one of the wealthiest organizations

in medieval Europe, morphed in becoming one of Europe's premier bankers. Number four, the Knights of the Temple, and that's also what they. Number four, the Knights of the Temple, and that's also what they were known as, the Knights of the Temple, Knights Templar, would actually only defend the site that gave them their name in Jerusalem for less than 70 years. But even when they lost, they lost bravely,

usually fighting to the death, and remained a symbol of Christian hope in the Holy Land for many more years to come. Number five, new info, let's talk about the charge of the Templars. Now this is the military maneuver the Templars would become most famous for. Beyond receiving, you know, overall just kind of better military training than most of their contemporaries.

And you know, possessing more discipline with all their rules, it was the devastating horseback charge of the Templars that brought them renowned throughout the Holy Land. Many then contemporary literary sources write about how the Knights Templar were masters of forming into a tight packed squadron and charging into their enemies and wedged formations on horseback. And while this maneuver seems very simple in theory, it required an expert level of discipline, organizational skill, you know, you know, being skilled on horseback to actually make it work on a battlefield against a formidable foe.

It was an unusual way to fight too. In a day when most secular Western European counterparts were prone to individualistic glory on the battlefield. Like once it got into the battlefield, they just kind of, you know, spread out and swing in swords and, you know, lances and what not and just kind of mayhem. They were very organized in these battles dedicated to teamwork. And so when enemies saw these field armor and white robe with red crosswear and dudes galloping towards them in a tight formation, swords raised on horseback. They got scared, they knew, they knew that the battlefield was about to get real bloody. All right, the Knights Templar, they've been partially sucked, half sucked, more sucking to come. And it keeps sucking these dudes. Suck them so hard, fascinating stuff, man.

This is definitely one of those weeks where I found myself, I had to kind of like, you know, pull myself off of research. I'm like, oh, it's already getting too complicated. But there's so many things I want to learn about. Big thanks to the time sucked team, Harmony Velocamp, Jesse Doberner, Reverend Dr. Josh Crel, backfill in a little better at least, Alex Dugan, the Biddelixer team, Danger Brain, Eric Radiker, Queen of the Sucklands, he commons, thanks Donald Yantzis for sending in some of the Templar dates to look into and for Kai Beamer sending in a list of conspiracies for

me to look into for part two. And part two is coming up this Friday. It's the bonus, you know, we'll look into the fall of the Knights Templar, various conspiracies still float around about them, conspiracies like Templars being killed because they had sacred knowledge and proof of Christ's bloodline

and marriage to Mary Magdalene. They referenced that actually my favorite graphic novel series of all time preacher by Garth Dennis. I talk about, yeah, a little bit about this. Anyway, the Knights Templar made it to America a hundred years before Columbus and hid treasure in places like Oak Island. That's a theory. Knights Templar hid the Holy Grail, hid vast amounts of treasure and even the mummified head of Jesus. The Knights Templar is still around. They're still around. They're working with Freemasons and Illuminati to establish a new world order. That's conspiracy.

My favorite twist on that one is that the original medieval guys are still alive. Some of those original guys are still alive. They're immortal. They're like highlanders, thanks to the Holy Grail, which gives them immortal power, a power they covet. So much wackadoodle to explore in addition to wrapping up their historical tales.

It's gonna be fun. Last thing real quick before updates, if any of you use Love Using one of the products, we've advertised here on TimeSug. If you've hopped onto one of our promo codes, acquired something you enjoy for a nice price, please email us about your experience. The Bojangles at TimeSugpodcast.com.

Testimonials help us not only get new sponsors, but the right sponsors for the show. If you're going to hear a commercial, I at least want you to hear it be for something you actually want to buy. Stand in Testimonials if you could about Lisa, Dollar Shave Club, any of our other sponsors. Let us know some kind of wish list companies you'd like to get a good deal for. I know I just got one on my wish list. Lisa is a dream sponsor. Also another wish list one for sure is the great

courses, you know, I've been talking about just recently. So we want to get more of that kind of stuff. So thank you again, also for your continued support. And now let's check in with some of you directly with some time-sucker updates. Rupdate's kitchen time sucker updates Time sucker mark break field wrote in with an update that brought a huge Shitting green to my face actually I did laugh out loud. I read it on my phone. I was hot flop getting on a flight and It has to do with the Golden State killer episode. I love it when you guys fall for my nonsense You know that I do and also marked us Because this is what he wrote. This is what he wrote. He said, I dear master sucker, Lord of nicknames. I've been listening to this suck since nearly day one. Absolutely love

it. Consumes me every episode. It's so interesting. I love the misdirection. Oh, thank you. And it made up lies. You throw in each episode. I recently got my wife to listen to the Golden State Killer episode. And the part where you mentioned the East Area rapist, having a conjoined twin and having the twin being accessory in the crimes and being considered just as guilty had my wife's mind blown. She completely fell for it and was trying to research it as you were talking about the episode. Finally asked it asked me if it was true And where you got your information from. That's when I lost it. I couldn't stop laughing.

Had me in tears. Man, keep doing what you're doing. Don't change your ways. I love this stuff. Keep on sucking. Hail Nimrod at Bojangles, your faithful, space lizard, Mark. Thank you, space lizard for supporting the show.

I fucking love it, Mark. I'm so glad that makes me laugh again. I just love thinking about your wife, being like, what in the fuck? Why would they, why would they have the, the conjoined twin be, how would he, how would he sneak in with the twin? How would he keep this like so many questions

must've been going through your mind? I love that she's researching it like, I what, that I've seen nothing in the information about him. How is that not part of the story? Thank you for sharing that. Oh man. Time-soaker Chris Rollins had kind of a, to further this update about the Golden State Killer

who joined Twin Nonsense. He has a theory as to why I thought that up. He wrote, Hey King, soccer, just listening to Golden State Killer and got to the part where he said, Daniel, that is Simon's Twin. You are describing the story of the 1982 film, Basket Case.

I think you saw this as a child and we just got to witness the Mandela effect in action. Anyway, thanks for sucking. Thank you Chris. I haven't seen that movie to my knowledge, but I hope I have time to watch it. I love ridiculous movies like that. Important Stanford Prison Experiment update.

A lot of you guys sent this in. I'm gonna read the email I got from a gen dweier time suckers and hey dan i'm a fan of of a page on facebook called i fucking love science and it has some awesome articles anyway just read about one about the Stanford prison experiment apparently as recently came out that the guards were told how to act and some prisoners acted as well

there are recordings that were discovered that basically called the entire experiment into question. On another note, my husband is a Jeffrey, a Jeffrey. And I died laughing on a recent update correcting your pronunciation of that name. I texted him, hey, Jeffrey. And he responded, damn, mush mouthed comments. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Have a fantastic day, Jen. Ah, I love it. I love being the mush mouthed. I got you some laughs there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha which I mean, I still think it's just such, it's so interesting that they just did that, that they actually made them. And the people, even if they were kind of pushed into directions, I mean, they did really antagonize each other. But yeah, huh, okay. So Stanford, if prison experience may have been a fucking bunch of nonsense, well,

that's why we have the updates. That's why, you know, the stuff always happens, not always, but, you know, in history, they'll have one version of a story that'll last for many years and you'll find out like no it was it wasn't true Yeah, never fun, but it is what it is Okay, so thanks for sending that in email from a Time-soaker trig

Triggegman saying hey Dan I've been a fan of your stand-up for years I recently found out about time-sog from Bert Christner's podcast I was just listening to your golden state killer and during the it into the internet segment I've been a fan of your stand up for years, but I recently found out about time-sug from Bert Krasner's podcast. I was just listening to your Gold State Killer and during the It Into the Internet segment, you found a virtue signaler who called him a jerk. Well, he might not be an idiot after all because he might just be repeating a joke

that the great Norm McDonnell would tell where he would find a person who did massive atrocities like Hitler or Albert Fish, and would sum up all they did in horrifying detail, and then would just be like, man, what a jerk. I don't totally know if he did that on purpose but I thought you might like to know that it could have been just an elaborate joke that it probably was hard to convey over the internet. Anyways thanks for sucking and Hill Nimrod PS would be awesome for you to do a suck an Albert fish

one day one of the worst murders in cannibals in American history. Yeah he's no he's been on the list for sure, Albert Fish. And yeah, I guess that is true. It could have been, could have been, like a joke. It is tough to convey though sometimes. So that is true. Some of these did it idiotic comments. You know, I don't know what their intent was. I can't get a hold of them.

I just think like a face value. I'm like, that's pretty ridiculous. And just the, the comedian me wants to assume that they didn't do it in an intelligent way, but sometimes I'm sure they did. Okay, Kenny Frederick sends in an update saying, for the Edgar Lerm Poe, saying, I just finished listening to the bonus episode, you nailed it with the poem. Seriously, I listened to it five times.

Love the podcast on another note. I hear you refer to both jangles as being a three-legged one-eyed pitbull. Funny because my dog is very close to what you describe. My dog has just a little bit of a pitbull in him. He has three legs. One of his legs had to be removed after he got shot. Man, we never found out who shot him. Fuck, man, but had to get his left front leg removed

after he came home one day and had a swollen up shoulder. He just laid on the porch. I didn't notice anything wrong until he started looking at his shoulder. I looked and saw a good size hole in his shoulder. What a tough dog, man. Took him to the vet, found out that his shoulder was completely shattered.

Had the bullet barely, and the bullet had barely penetrated his chest cavity. So the only option was to remove the leg shoulder and all. He's six years old, having one leg missing doesn't slow him down one bit. Praise both angles. He's also had a huge, or also had a heck of a grudge against porcupines.

So much so that he was in danger of losing his right eye. We live in the woods, so there are animals constantly wandering into our yard. Once or twice a year, porcupine comes through and we have to spend hours removing quilts from his face. He's gotten a face full of quills, probably 15 times. Usually, he doesn't get them in or around his eyes, but this last time he got one on the roof of his mouth,

worked his way through his face, narrowly missed his eye, my God. So I guess he got one on the roof of his mouth, worked his way through his face, narrowly missed his eye. My God. So I guess he's not in complete danger of losing his eye unless another porky pine comes with the yard. He's a tough fuck. I tell you, definitely a relatively valuable jangles. Keep on sucking sincerely, Kenny.

Thank you for sharing that, man. What a badass dog you have. I love to have a real life, but jangles basically. Last one is from Kayla. Um, says, dear Dan, the illustrious lord and, and barred of Nimrod's nut sack. I just thought that was funny. You have been banned from the house. Apparently my better half was not keen on learning about President Johnson's Johnson, one of the very first sucks. I was thrust in the time suck a couple months back by a friend, a friend who applied so much force to the pressure that I

could possibly right now be a diamond. But I digress. So I love it, man. I love you guys aggressively spread the suck. I digress after the incident with Johnson's Johnson, I can now only listen to time suck while outside or in the truck. And the majority of the time, it's while shoveling my horse,

my horse is shit into mountainous piles away from the barn. I just wanted to say thank you for making shit shoveling educational and entertaining. I finally finished all the episodes, now have no idea what I'm gonna do with all my extra time. Thank you again, my Nimrod soft squishy sack, keep you comfortable enough to release more suckage.

Yes, sincerely, Kayla, P.S. sometimes I sneak you into the house and our cat makes this weird face whenever he hears your voice. I wanted to send you a picture, dude. It's high level of amusement, but I wasn't sure where to send it. Take care. You can just send the pictures right into Bojangles at Timeslake Podcast dot com. Absolutely.

Well, that's all for the updates. Thank you. All of you who send them in every week, they're fantastic. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. Well, that's all until Friday, time suckers have a great next couple of days.

Do your best not to get slashed, hacked, burned, to capitated or flayed, and some kind of a religious battle or any battle, and keep on sucking. 감사합니다.