Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 93 - The Aztec Empire: So Much Human Sacrifice!

Episode Date: June 25, 2018

Today we’re talking about the Aztecs! The Aztecs built a vast empire, one that outpaced, out-staged, and out-populated the likes of Paris at the time. They were a powerhouse warrior based society with an interesting obsession with human sacrifice. When did they show up? When did they build their empire? And what happened when the Spaniard Hernan Cortes showed up with 400 soldiers? An amazing city built on a lake, a prophecy falsely fulfilled, the worst ball game ever played, and a lot of violent death at the hands of all the teams involved in today's Timesuck! My new free Behind the Bit Pandora station with Chad Daniels talking about our favorite bits! https://www.pandora.com/station/play/3978690913982414208?ag=17920720304261509 Timesuck is brought to you today by AmeriGas! Go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com between now and July 4th and enter your name and email to register to win a free Weber Spirt II – E 210 grill ($400 value). Timesuck is brought to you be Leesa! We love Leesa! Get $160 off when you go to Leesa.com/timesuck Timesuck is also brought to you by Hims! Get everything you need to keep your hair for just $5 while supplies last. And so much more! Head to forhims.com/timesuck Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact Please rate and subscribe on iTunes and elsewhere and follow the suck on social media!! @timesuckpodcast on IG, @timesuckpodcast on Twitter, and www.facebook.com/timesuckpodcast Wanna be a Space Lizard? We're over 2500 strong! Click here: https://www.patreon.com/timesuckpodcast Sign up through Patreon and for $5 a month you get to listen to the Secret Suck, which will drop Thursdays at Noon, PST. You'll also get 20% off of all regular Timesuck merch PLUS access to exclusive Space Lizard merch. You get to vote on two Monday topics each month via the app. And you get the download link for my new comedy album, Feel the Heat. Check the Patreon posts to find out how to download the new album and take advantage of other benefits. And, thank you for supporting the show by doing your Amazon shopping after clicking on my Amazon link at www.timesuckpodcast.com

The civilizations of Egypt, Rome, China, the Mongols, the very nations and empires of Europe, they seem to get the lion's share of attention when it comes to looking at world history. What was going on in the Americas? Was everyone just fumbling through life, trying to figure out how to put two syllables together, just banging rocks together in a cave, helping for some fire to start? No. Massive, advanced civilizations existed that we just don't hear about as much in the English-speaking world

with our Eurocentric focus on history. Well, today, we're gonna hear plenty about one of these civilizations and a little bit about a few more. We're mostly talking about the Aztecs. The Aztecs built a vast empire, one that outpaced, outstaged, outpopulated the likes of Paris at the time.

They were a powerhouse warrior-based society with a devout religious following and expanding territories. And then her nann Cortez showed up with 400 soldiers and took them down basically without breaking a sweat, right? That's how the story goes. But was it really that simple? The victor's right history, but they weren't the only ones who lived it. Let's try and look at this story from a few more angles today.

Let's dig a little deeper. Attempt to find out what really happened. Did Montezuma's bloody and superstitious empire crash at the hands of a few brave conquistadors? Or did a cruel and greedy Cortez show up in the middle of a brewing feud and capitalize on an existing situation he was lucky enough to walk into? Let's find out on today's Civilization Collision Edition of Time Suck. You're listening to Time Suck. Happy Monday, Time Suckers. Suck Time. We're can wait.

Time to feed your noggin. Have some laughs. Learning is fun. Knowledge is good. And history is one of my favorite teachers. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I've always loved that quote,

the various variations I've heard of it. Who said it first? Some say Mark Twain, some say BF Skinner. Whoever said it, thanks, well played, I like it. We learn from history because mankind repeats its actions over and over. We're capable of so much some dark, horrific shit. We're capable of building incredibly powerful civilizations among so many other things. We're going to touch on, you know, civilizations in horrific shit most of the day. I'm

Dan Cummins, the master's sucker, and you were listing, of course, the time suck. Hail Nimrod, Hail Luciferina, Praiseboat Jangles, glory be to Michael Motherfucking McDonald. Shake it into Weirdview already, new listener. That's getting a lot weirder. Time suck is brought to you today by Amerigats, bald eagles, baseball, rot worst, cold beer, bull riding, potato chips. Just a few of the things that go hand in hand with grilling with a Marigass,

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link in the episode description. Thanks as always for the reviews and ratings, continually spreading the suck. I feel very blessed, truly. Thanks for helping us build this community. Every solid rating, every review you leave helps so much. I hope some of you enjoyed behind the bit that new Pandora station where Chad Daniels and myself share a bunch of comedy tales, how we met,

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and the suck dungeon this week. Again, so just blessed, lucky to have you guys care enough, give a shit enough to send that stuff our way. You send a lot of cool stuff. Me and the fam are in Yellowstone, me and the Lindsey, me and the Lindsey, me and the kids and me and the dogs. Penny, GG, gotta hope they're not eaten by a bear right now. It's gonna be very sad fam if that's the truth.

If anything has arrived, thank you. If you want to send anything, send it to suck dungeon, PO box 3891, cordline Idaho, 83816. That'll be in the episode description as well. Tour dates, flatter tour, come into Orlando, Florida, quickly as opposed to some other Orlando. I don't know if there's another one, but I'm not going to be at the other one. If there is one, I'll be in Florida at the improv July 12th, to the 14th, masturbating on stage. It's my new act, solid 45 minutes to an hour, timed to music and to dance. And that's crazy. Now I'll be doing some stand up. And then I'll be having a live podcast on the 15th with Tom and Dan from Mediocre Time,

then down to SoCal Comedy Store, LaHoya, California, right there by stand. Diego, July 20th through 22nd. Another great club, Dayton, Ohio, Funnybone, LaHoya, California, right there by San Diego, July 20 through 22nd. Another great club, Dayton, Ohio, Funnybone, July 27, 28th, many more tour dates, live podcast coming up. Portland, Portland, Oregon, you know, Denver, Colorado. There is another Portland. So I didn't need to say Oregon there.

Portland, Oregon, Denver, Colorado, to come Washington, Tampa, and Palm Beach, Florida, Hollywood, Huntington Beach, California, so much more. Yeah, go into a new place in Huntington Beach for your Orange County listeners. Looks fucking dope. The recroom, theancomas.tv. And now it's time for a suck on the Aztec Empire. Let's head to Mesoamerica. All right, first things first, quick historical disclaimer. Due to repeated attempts at cultural genocide, dates and figures regarding this topic can become extraordinarily difficult to verify. Book burning was rampant.

Such a rampant practice during Spanish missionary work that the Aztec history is lower, documentation, all but entirely destroyed. And for you historians, yeah, the Aztec didn't have or documentation, all but entirely destroyed. And for you historians, yeah, the Aztec didn't have books in the way we think of them today, but they did have written language, that narrative maps recorded their history. We think, we think they have a lot of those. Hard to say, since they're Falcon burnt, Spaniards man,

Spaniards, between what they did to the new world and what they did during the Inquisition, they have almost been as big of a pain in the world's ass as the Germans. Combine this cultural cover up with the near complete physical genocide of the Aztecs that took place and the pickings got pretty goddamn slim when it came to contemporary accounts. The Spanish recorded their own version of events, but this was, you know, rebice, usually is when it comes to the

victor side of history being recorded especially, there did a lot of evil shit. You know, in the sheer volume discrepancies make it clear that a lot of what was recorded between, you know, the Spanish and anyone else who was the Spaniard, makes it clear that there was, you know, fair amount of propaganda in their recordings. So, you know, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, all right? We're going to do our best today with the accounts. We do have, luckily, there's plenty. This is what we'll make for a kick-ass story. So let's get started. Hail Nimrod. When I think of the Aztecs, I think of Azteca. I think of the local Northwest chain of Mexican restaurants that is real into cheese, heavy on the cheese. It's the most American Mexican restaurant ever, chain.

Not bad, not bad, but way too much cheese. No, I think of the, I think of a massive and wealthy civilization that Cortez encountered in the 16th century, but of course it didn't start out that way. They didn't start off with the glory and riches. They started off with a small stand, solid lemonade recipe, better than average hot dogs, lemonade pump, silly hats,

lot of confused looking teens, wearing braces, going through rough patches of acne, awkward, and a dream, and look at them now. Today they're the hot dog on a stick, national franchise, from Monizuma to the Mall of America, a true American success story. No, sorry about that. I've been doing nothing but smoking crack, drinking live wire mountain dew, and eating expired

pezz candies out of an old duke's a hazard dispenser. I found by dumpster for five straight days. But some of crack. Now the Aztecs were initially about one of many groups of people who came from the Mejika ethnicity who spoke na, na wattle. Now I'm going'm in my best yet this another disclaimer uh... for you uh... people really uh... more in the pronunciation of the listers whoo

oh shit to be rough today it's not even it's not even other language that's this this is commonly used like spanish it's this other uh... no no what all and uh... american indian language that uh... there is not a lot of pronunciation info about on the

web, then there's words to cities that were from other civilizations and their languages. Oh, I have more pronunciation guides in my notes for this week than I think in any other suck, littered with little phonetic spellings. But you know what, that couple days of looking at fanatic spellings does it make you a master of pronunciation and that language? So I'm a tryhard. So yeah, they came from America ethnicity who spoke nawatu. They first believed that they descended from greater people than themselves.

In fact, they believed that they actually came from Astalan, a mythical place similar to Atlantis in belief where all nawatu speaking people came from. But Atlantis in belief where all noctal people speaking people came from. Like, Lannis, man, great. More Atlantis whack doodles. Now, it made sense to believe that ship back then. Maybe they're related to Bojangles, right? The great battle of Atlantis is where, you know, legend says, at least one legend, there's

a variety of legends around Bojangles, that says that our mighty Pitbull mascot, the defender of the suck, the composer of communism, lost an an eye and a leg in an epic battle with zoos another legend says that the Aztecs worship Bojangles uh... you know that the bojangles was who they sacrifice their people to and that new mnemrod became angry and banished bojangles and banished him to enforce them to spend an inordinate amount time with triple m and that mnemrod uh... crusty ashtex despite their last ditch sacrifice of thousands of cockroach spannules.

Hell, Nimrod. And I'm back. Ignore everything I've said since I talked about both jangles being from Atlanta. So if you're a new listener, before jumping into a proper Aztec timeline, tell them their tale, let me give you a skeleton outline for human history in the Americas. Let's pound out some of that sweet, sweet context, baby. When do people first show up in any part of the Americas? Was it 1905? That doesn't sound right.

No, based on our available archaeological evidence, sometime between 30,000 BCE and 24,000 BCE is when humans showed up in the New World, like really, really New World, like shiny, still mint in the box, New World. Not one piece of litter, not one candy wrapper, not one used condom in a parking lot, not even one parking lot.

Archaeological fines in Siberia, near the Bering Strait, separates Russia from Alaska by about 50 miles, place ancient humans living in that area by at least as far back as 30,000 BCE. And the most recent ice age peaked around 18,000 years ago, and lasted until about 12,000 years ago. And the patch from Siberia to Alaska was frozen solid. The barren straight froze over and became a land bridge allowing people from Northeastern Asia

into northwestern North America. What a terrible journey that must have been. Thousands of years ago, long before portable heaters, long before anything close to modern conveniences, some little tribe of people walking across 50 miles of pure ice, some brave early explorers, or maybe some people who were really bad with ancient directions. Maybe they had their stars mixed up.

Maybe America was settled because, you know, some ancient later took one too many rights on his way to some Siberian, a confessible, some cave or some shit. Maybe they made it to America by accident, just like Columbus did. Well, they made it. However, they made it. On the Alaska Yukon territory border on the America side of the straits, you know,

a ways into the America side. In the bluefish caves, radio carbon dating is found, the oldest evidence of human life in the America so far, some human remnants were discovered from 24,000 years ago. And then over the next several thousand years, some of these people, aka these meat sacks, they aren't really tired of living in a frozen, barren shitty wasteland. Sorry if you live in Northern Canada,

but you know how much your life is fucking terrible. There's a terrible fucking wasteland without modern dwellings, without really good gas and electric heaters, they didn't have snowmobiles. And they were like, ah, fuck this, it's head south. Come on, let's get out of here, what are we doing? And then some of them showed up in the area of present day mehko, where the Aztecs would later flourish

around 13,000 BCE. And then some of them kept on moving south. Over the next millennium, it spread out over the rest of the Americas, ancient nomadic people, they made it all the way to Chile, Chile, by around 12,000 BCE. And then thousands of years later, they evolved from nomadic hunter-gatherers into true civilizations, mastering irrigation and agriculture, creating architecture and artwork,

moving from huts and farms into urban centers. We're not everyone who had to fish, or hunt, or grow crops, or raise babies. And that's how you move from hunter-gatherer to civilization. Right? Urbanization. Right? Specialization, now people can specialize in it. Not everyone has to, you know, grab some fucking fish to keep their family alive. Everyone has to, I can stab a Wolverine with a spear or a knife,

or have to sneak up on a bear with rock. Some people can now be soldiers, others can be mason's, shopkeepers, artists, temple priests, variety of other roles. Some people were able to start really disappointing their families and becoming jugglers and magicians. Sorry, that was a cheap unnecessary shot of jugglers and magicians. So when did the first civilization show up?

Around 3000 BC, maybe, possibly. You know, that's what we know now. The first true civilization that we know of, showed up in the Americas in present day Peru, predating the very beginning of ancient Greece by around a thousand years. The Coral Soutpe civilization, the Trojan War believed to have happened around 1250 CE. We're talking, or BCE, excuse me, we're talking about 3000 BCE. Ruins of the Coral Soutpe civilization were initially discovered in 1905, but no one knew who the ruins belonged to, or how it was until as recently as 2000.

Seems that people living there might have also been some light-hearted sweeties. No trace of warfare has been found at Coral, no battlements, no weapons, no mutilated bodies, the remains of mutilated. Archaeologists finding it suggests it was a gentle society built on commerce and pleasure. And one of the temples and covered 32 flutes. Oh man, so many flutes made out of condor and pelican bones. And 37 cornets, cornets of deer and llama bones.

Cornets are a early wind instrument, popular medieval times across the pond as well, where sound is produced by lip vibrations against a cup mouthpiece, and you know what, I knew I was missing something in my life, but I didn't know what it was until today. Turns out, what I've always wanted is a condor flute. If anyone listening gives a shit about me,

you will quickly kill a condor, and whittle a fucking flute of its bones. Get the fucking whittling. Not gonna be greedy, I'm not gonna ask for a llama cornet. I don't even care about that. Guys, I don't even, I don't even think I can learn how to play it. But I would like, I would really like a condor flute. It's all I've ever wanted. It's all I've wanted.

Please don't kill a condor. I'm pretty sure they're highly endangered. That would be, I can't ask, but that would, no, please don't do that. But I was just thinking flashing like if I went to the most office and there was like just a, I can one big box that just had like a condor carcass missing a few bones and then another box with a new bony flute.

That would be, I can't ask, I don't want that to happen, but if it did happen, possibly great to stay in my life. Okay, little else known currently about this culture, other than they built some pretty badass, impressive stones, structures, and then a bunch of other civilizations started springing up, like the, like the Moshe. Moshe people made a lot of interesting pottery,

a lot of dudes with giant dicks. People engaged in a variety of sexual situations, a lot of dudes with giant dicks, people engaged in a variety of sexual situations that have nothing to do with reproduction. Ancient people getting it on, hey, Lucid Fena, but seriously, do yourself a favor and Google Peru erotic pottery. It's great, it is very entertaining. The dicks are bigger than the dudes,

I'm not joking, a lot of the sculptures. There's no time or need to get into all of the different cultures that were around at this time, but in the area of present-day meko where the Aztecs would later live, the omics are thought to be the first, currently. Big civilization, omics first appeared along the Atlantic coast in what is now the state of Tabasco in the period 1500 to 1900 BCE. And they've been some pretty spicy sauce and they started to put that shit on some fried eggs. It's delicious.

No, I don't think they have anything to do with the basketball sauce. The old mix were the first Mesoamerican culture to produce an identifiable artistic and cultural style. May have also invented writing in Mesoamerica, hard to say again, since a lot of shit ended up getting destroyed by later dickhead explorers, misguided priests,

the omics civilization flourished between 500 BCE, 800 CE on the Gulf Coast of Mexico. And constructed the first stone pyramids. They constructed the first stone pyramids in the North American continent. They had their famous stone baby-faced head monuments, the original creepy dolls. The Olmex had kings built enormous pyramids, invented the Mesoamerican ballgame, the oldest sport in the Americas, and a sport that would later be played by the Aztecs.

This shit is weird. We don't know for sure how this game was played. If there was a official guide, a rule book, it got burnt. Evidence suggests a wide variety of ball games were played. All somewhat similar. Like you can go if you see visit the ruins of a lot of these ancient pyramids and cities. There's like, there's still courts. The courts are still there where they would play this game.

The most widespread version apparently was that was the hip game. And I swear I'm not making this up. Took me a long time to try and get my head around this. It was played by two opposing teams with a variable number of players. The aim of the game was to put the ball in the opponent's end zone without using hands or feet. Sometimes we'd have to put the ball through like this little, kind of like a little tiny hole, like a very small hole. They have to throw it through the article on it.

I found says that only hips can touch the ball, which I can't, I can't even wrap my head around. Cause like what's the balls on the ground rolling around? How the, how the shit do you move it with your hip? The ball, little nine-pound ditty made out of hard rubber. I was actually never supposed to touch the ground, but we don't know what the rule was if it did touch the ground. We do know a few horrific things about it. The aim was scoring in different point systems. Again, no direct accounts, but we know

it was rough. We know that they had pads. It was violent and dangerous. It was played on an unforgiving stone court. People wore a protective gear that included leather helmets, knee pads, arm and chest protectors and gloves. And sometimes you got real violent. And this is why I thought it was worth bringing up. Like when the Aztecs would play it. Oftentimes when the Aztecs would play it, the losing team would be murdered or sacrificed

as they called it. Seriously, they would get their heads cut off. Among the Aztec decapitation was a frequent end for the losing team. Man, you're going to fucking play hard, right? No, you're not, you're not saving it for the next game when you're when a decapitation. You're, you're shooting for a blowout, right? You're diving for loose balls. You are diving for loose balls. If you know that you will literally lose your head if you don't win the game, right? How are you supposed to get a proper rivalry going, by the way, if every team you beat gets

their heads cut off? Supposedly, the game was played between different factions having some sort of dispute, and the game would be played in place of actual warfare So you know instead of war psych we do this game and then it'll lose in team dies Tough tough time to be a skilled athlete. That's not a team you want to be picked for playing to the death And lighter news the old mechs domesticated the Cowtree they gave us chocolate. Thank you old mechs. He just became my favorite culture the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, based on the, they were based in like on the Gulf Coast of what is now Mexico between some time or between 2500 BCE

and its earliest forms and lasting until around 1500 CE. So long run, kind of, you know, they reached their height around 600 CE, they fell apart for reasons, not entirely clear around 900 CE, and then they kind of struggled on for a few more centuries and fragmented form, you know, they weren't like a unified empire, you know, so to speak. They were a complex group of independent city states, which shared cultural qualities, such as their amazing complex artwork, particularly had murals, advanced drinking water collection

system. Constructed amazing pyramids, remaining fairly good through the condition to this day, around eight 90 CE. the minds produced the first book in the Americas, Priests Burned So Many, there may have been older ones, but we'll probably never know about them. So annoying, we can't get those books back, man. They stole history from us.

One more culture will touch on briefly before the Aztecs, the culture that the Aztecs may have morphed out of. One, they were really big fans of the tolltex, from 800 to 1200 CE, there were the tolltex, a culture just prior to the Aztex, whom the Aztex revered greatly. The tolltec empire covered most of it is now southern Mexico and stretched a bit

further south into what is now Guatemala and Belize. They built an impressive capital at Talon, about 50 miles north of Mexico City. You can find plenty of pictures online, pretty damn impressive, man. They passed on a lot of their customs and craftsmanship to the Aztecs, who regarded the Toltecs as a great and prosperous civilization.

The Aztecs would claim to sent from this great civilization. And we don't know how much of that is true because the Aztecs were real big into mythology, kind of weaving truth into stories. So we don't know how much is legend like like to merge everything you know kind of like the greek state of the trojan war you know war may have happened probably happened but certainly didn't happen like they said it to the word

actually fighting with cuts uh... the capital of talon was certainly impressive uh... this part is back by more than legends back by archaeology city grew to fourteen square kilometers or over eight square miles in size acquired a population between thirty and 40,000. The Talon of Aztec mythology were renowned for some of the most famous palaces, all inspiring buildings made out of gold, Jade, turquoise, Quetzal feathers.

I'm guessing those were added onto the outside of the wall. It'd be fucking pretty impressive. If you could build a palace made out of nothing but Quetzal feathers. Ah, that'd be a fragile palace. The city was also thought to have been flooded with wealth generated by the gifted toll tech craftsman, highly skilled in metallurgy, pottery,

so much so that their potters were said to have taught to clay to lie. Make that clay lie, baby. Make it, make it do the impossible. Later as tech metal workers and jillers will be known as Tilteka. The Tiltek's also credited with mastering nature, producing huge maize crops, natural colored cotton,

of red, yellow, green, and blue, tool. Unsurprisingly, following centuries of looting and cultural destruction, no artifacts survived to attest to this material wealth, except indications the Toltex did do a lot of trade with the city. Because it was mind nearby and they found some of that. The archaeological site of Tzolan, sitting on a limestone prometory, although not quite as splendid as the legend, does have an impressive number of surviving monuments, two large pyramids, colonnated walkway, large palace building, two ball courts, four working elevators, four working hydraulic elevators that go up 10 stories buttons and everything fucking crazy. That's not true Do you imagine if you just like air?

Just walked into this how just how that would just blow your mind like what in the fuck like everything you thought you knew would be Call it a question If like I use some archaeologist you go into an old ruin and all of a sudden there's like a fucking snack machine and an elevator, like a metal elevator in the middle of a ruin. Again, I should probably, again, just remember, five days smoking crack. Now, the domestic housing arranged in groups of up to five flat roofed residences with each group centered on a courtyard, single altar,

whole thing trying to buy a wall. What ended the total type of civilizations, original dominance, another unknown. A lot of unknowns with the American civilizations. Why did they end? We don't know with most of them, we don't know. They may have simply disintegrated when put under the strain of such natural phenomena as a sustained drought.

It could have been an internal disputes, may have led to a break about the power structure. In the mid-twelfth century, CE, Toulon shows signs of a violent destruction. It would have been a war, we don't have records of architectural columns and statues burnt purposely buried. The site was systematically looted by the Aztecs later. And so what other cultures existed around Mexico when the Aztecs were around? Who did they compete, trade, and fight with?

Too many to name, and a lot of them will just pop up in the suck organically. You know, we will touch on you. I think I said with that last one was done, but no, we do want to touch on a few that were around while the Aztecs were around. The biggest other two players in Mesoamerica were still the Mayan culture that while not on its peak still existed the south of the Aztecs. And then to the north was the massive Tarascan civilization.

You know, they don't show up really in the story of Cortez Niatix, but Cortez would then conquer them after he conquered the Aztecs. And they were, you know, some trade was done. They were like a huge empire just that bordered them. Second, only to the Aztec empire in terms of size in the 14th and 15th centuries, to raskens themselves controlled from their capital of Tezunson, an empire of over 45,000 square miles, the Aztecs by comparison, would end up controlling roughly 80,000 square miles. The Taraskan capital, largest settlement at Tezun,

Tezunson on the northeast arm of Lake Pazquato. The Taraskans control to highly centralized and hierarchical, hierarchical, godical, goddammit, hierarchical, fuckin', whatever. You know what I'm trying to say? For some reason that word doesn't want to come out of my mouth right now. They had a political system with hierarchy, dashed to it, some 90 plus cities around the lake.

By 1522 CE, the population in the basin was as high as 80,000 while Tezunsen had a population about 35,000, higher article. I think the capital, mother fuck. The capital was the administrative, commercial and religious center of the Trascan Empire, the seat of the king, extensive irrigation, terracing projects were carried out in order to make such a large population sustainable on local agriculture. But significant imports of goods and material, you know, remained in the test. You did that as well.

Did a network of local markets, system of tributes, insured there was a sufficient quantity of basic goods. It had pottery, shells, metals, gold and silver ingots, labor, busy marketplaces, fruit vegetables, flowers to back up prepared food, craft goods, raw materials such as obsidian, copper, and bronze alloys, bot and sold, and mind, smelt and silver and gold, you know, you know, bustling civilization, palaces, you know, all kinds of stuff going on. All kinds of stuff going on. They made a lot of copper alloy bells using ceremonial dances and had their own distinctive

architectural style, religion and art. And yeah, and there were a few other, you know, civilizations and city states that would come up, they would come up. They will come up again as we marched to the Aztec timeline. She was happening in America. That's all I'm trying to establish. It was happening. There was a lot going on.

A lot of different cultures that we don't know enough about, but we do know they were there. And in the land of present day Mexico and Central America. And now let's talk about the Aztecs specifically Aztec translates as people of Oslin, according to Diego Durran, one of the founders of the influential new wave band Durran. No, he was a Dominican friar who moved to the area in 1540, when he was five years old. Aztec translates to the place of white birds.

So I guess Aztec means the people of the place of the white birds, which to me sounds like a nation created by and for magicians. Right? Friar De Ran recorded a great deal of information about the Aztecs and his document, the annals of Tlatel-Lolco, which is currently housed in the National Library of France and Paris, and is one of the few remaining texts with firsthand accounts of their culture. House and the National Library of France and Paris and is one of the few remaining techs with first-hand accounts of their culture and

We know we we used information from that else in today's suck Legend holds that the Aztec came from this place in caves of the hollow earth with six other tribes And there's no way I'm gonna even try the name to the six other tribes I didn't even I raised them from my notes to you know, so I wouldn't even try It was ridiculous. No pronunciation, no pronunciation guides for any of them. Aztec is by far the easiest of the words. Most of them would have, you know, like seven constants in a row. It looked like strong together. And then according to legend, the seven tribes wandered earth together from around 1100 to 1300 and tell the other tribes decided to migrate south and the Aztecs chose to remain in the north.

And this could all be written off as Legend or Lore, but there is some interesting, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, but Utes, home run every time, just like batting practice, pop out, up, out again, up in the upper deck. The Utes are actually from Utah, and the language tree stretches all the way from Idaho

and Montana to northern central Mexico. Still spoken by about 1.5 million people in central and western Mexico, that's pretty damn cool. They all share the Udo as tech and language tree. Wherever they were at this time, the legend goes on to say that they found Aslan on a large island in the middle of the lake of the moon, set up camp, living there happily for quite some time until others moved in and wanted to enslave them. Additional accounts say that it was a natural disaster that sent them south.

Climate studies show there was an extensive drought at that time. The Astei became a nomadic tribe, working their way south over 200 years. Supposedly guided by a deity called, and this is a big one, called Weetsi Lopuxli. Weetsi Lopuxli. Yeah, you give that one a shot. The Astei got a war.

The Sun and human sacrifice who later became the patron god of their great city of Tennachttitlan. By the time they made it to the Valley of Meiko where there's history says the six other tribes that traveled to centuries past, the area was well populated and established. The Aztec were walking into a pseudo-urban area, a diverse tribal influence and interaction, looking like some backwards heel billies. They were uncultured, poor, savage by comparison, according to the description put forth by professor Edwin Barnhart in chapter 33 of his lecture series Maya to Aztec. One of the other groups, the pan tex, there we go, tape an X, there we go. Tapenex. There we go. One of the other groups, the tapenex, allowed the Aztecs to settle and stay granting them Chappu Tepec or the Grasshopper Hill that was located on the western shore of Lake Texcoco, which is now Central Park in Mexico City. The tapenex were one of the largest groups in the area, but they did little to ingratiate

themselves to the tapenex who quickly tired of them and kicked them out in less than a year's time. And again, this is, this is all legend stuff. They didn't pay their tributes. They were considered uncultured and annoying. And then the Aztecs moved south and they take refuge with their previous landlords enemy, the Kula, Kula walkin, who gave them teaser pad,

a barren land to live and work on. And again, according to legend, the Aztecs were forced to subsist on mostly quote rats and lizards during this time. Which sounds to me like one of the worst diets I've ever heard of. Like, like if there was a restaurant called mostly rats and lizards, I would never eat there. I would never eat there. I would go there. I would go there to have a few drinks because the people watching would be off the charts great. I'd be very curious to see who was dining at, you know, Moshe rats and lizards. In my mind, their menu literally just has three items on it. Has rats, has lizards, and it has french fries. French fries is how the mostly fits in. So they

would be like, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's mostly rats and lizards, but we also have french fries. Anyway, the Aztec priest told their people they shouldn't complain about their rats and lizards. They should be happy to take the dirty work, others cast aside, trust their god. We see Lope, Potley, and so they ate those fucking rats. They ate those lizards for 20 years, and slowly and surely the Aztecs enter married with the Kool-A-Walking and fully joined their society.

Things were looking good. They were incorporating some corn and some fish and some shit into their lizard rat diet. Then things got messed up again. And since the rest of their legend starts to evolve, specific people and actual dates and somewhat and starts to sound somewhat legit and not like true, through the wrapped in legend or just entirely legend, let's hop into today's time suck timeline. Shrap on those boots soldier, we're marching down a time suck timeline. Alright, 1323 CE, let's get into it.

With some Aztecs rising, the social and political ranks of the kula walkin uh... you know empire uh... archimital the ruler of the kula walkin uh... he offers his daughter for marriage to an asset leader thirteen twenty three and the assets are honored they're very thankful and so they want to show their immense gratitude and uh... and so the killer the uh... this is the official story. If you're thinking, like I did the first time I heard, that sounds like complete nonsense. I know I get it, but I do believe it after what I learned that we're going to all go

learn later about the Aztecs. They loved to sacrifice people, like really into it. Like the most into it of any culture I've ever read about by leaps and bounds. They were a terrifying people when it came to their love of human sacrifice. They believed that sacrifice was the ultimate way to get close to the gods, to appease them and Aztec regularly, sacrifice people,

also regularly practice self-mutilation in order to commit kind of like a sacrifice light. So, you know, with the other culture, with the Kool-A-Walkins, they were not as into it and they weren't, you know, like real excited about their ruler's daughter getting killed. They weren't like terribly happy about it. But again, but again, you know, the Aztecs,

they thought it was great. So, they thought they were doing an honorable and normal thing. When Akimethal offered his daughter for marriage to a mere human, they decided, like, hey, we'll make it even better, and we'll sacrifice her to the gods, and then now she's an internal goddess. Now she sees a goddess now. You're welcome. You're welcome.

Akimethal didn't quite see it that way. And on what had, check this out, this is intense. I want it likely been a normal day for him up until this point. He sees one of the Aztec priests. He's just given his daughter for marriage. Now he's gonna go visit her. And then he sees one of the Aztec priests. Again, I'm not making this up.

Wearing her flayed skin. Literally, I'm not only wearing her skin at a festival dinner and he naturally lost his goddamn mind and he threw all of them out the territory. Holy shit. This is really happening. He must have wanted to kill him all. Can you even imagine meeting your daughter's new in-laws for the first time. And then finding one of them or a friend

and one of theirs or some religious person they know, wearing her fucking skin. I laughed, I know I'm still laughing. I laughed so hard when I read this because it's just so ridiculous. It's so over the top, especially since they had like, yeah, you're welcome. Hey, congratulations.

Congratulations, we did it. She's got us now. Like had this like you should be thankful kind of attitude like you know what what the hell are you wearing? Oh good news. Ah good news. I'm glad you asked I'm wearing a daughter skin. Hey, she's married to a god now. How cool is that huh? Ha ha man, I got shake your hand. I got a shake your hand. I just got to tell you. I am truly honored to wear in your daughter skin I hope that she's looking down from heaven right truly honored to wear in your daughter's skin. I hope that she's looking down from heaven right now, watching me wear her. It's so great. So they banished the Aztecs, who find refuge with the tape next, who probably love in the whole skin daughter situation.

If gossip works back then, like it does now, do you fucking hear whether back now they find the war skin? No, I know they're crazy. They're the craziest. You fucking hear whether back now they've gotten the war skin. Now I know they're crazy. They're the craziest. Oh, the Aztec priests tell their people, hey, you know, our day's coming. We're not going to have to live with anybody pretty soon. You know, you claim to a vision now that our promised land will be marked by an eagle.

Sit on a cactus, hold a snake in this mouth. Now this Aztec image is used in the center of the Mexican flag today. How about that trivia? A little Aztec nod in the flag. While waiting for the sign, they became warriors for the Teppenex, Teppenex joined an active fighting against the Kool-Aid walkins. The two years later, their god Weed see a little Puchli, showed them their final destination as promised, right? They showed them the promised land. Unfortunately, it happened to me in the middle of a lake, on a remarkably tiny and marshy island. But they were like, you know what, fuck it.

I know this is not the ideal place to build a city, but at least we are not eating most of the rats and lizards still. 1325 see the Aztecs, they trust their priests, their faith, their gods, and they begin to build Tennace Teatland, the very end of the episode. I will reference this, uh, maybe not. Maybe they didn't do this. This is according to their history might not be true. Probably not. It's true actually. You have to wait for the time sucker, uh, the top five takeaways

actually to get that info. Uh, they continue to pay their tributes to the tape and echo the slave way to build their city. Uh, to, somebody, them, or somebody else, started to literally build land on a lake, made man-made islands by piling earth and shallow lake beds in small rectangular areas to be used to ice gardens. And this part, whether or not the Aztecs, that did exist, as I'm describing it,

there was these little floating gardens. Yeah, crazy. They were just turned a marsh into a city. They began to become very wealthy. They would fight tirelessly for the tape and X expand their territory, stockpiling their own wealth. 1350s, the entire region is divided into city states. They were each individually ruled and governed.

For the most part, they all shared similar beliefs, traded well amongst each other. You know, they did fight quite a bit the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the Teppanex when the, that's a Polzaco city state took over in 1418. The Azca Polzaco grew and gained power quickly demanding higher tributes from the smaller city states, including the Aztecs, so they rebelled in the late 1420s, the Aztec leader.

It's Quattal, forged a powerful alliance with two other city states, Tecoco, Interlocopan, creating the triple alliance. And they kicked the Azca Pol and they kick the, as Capulzacco's ass, right? They put it into their rule. 1473, the alliance conquers the entire basin. They have an overwhelming military force, predominantly led by the warrior might of the Aztecs. And then eventually the Aztecs realize that if we have all the soldiers, why are we in an alliance, and they do some quick quick math they come up to the conclusion that we should just fucking run everything and that's what they do first they move away from the block of pan they were a smaller power kind of easy to deal with so they they get rid of that part of the Alliance and then the test cocos they were they were tougher tougher to move away from they were

independent powerful state of their own and they just kind of leave them alone right right? They're just like, hey, we're not going to work you with you anymore, but we're not going to attack you. And now they have their own empire. And in addition to the other big empires during the time of the Aztecs, there were small, kind of various tribes also living around. Little city states here and there, little patches of groups of people living in the jungle here and there. Some of this may seem confusing because the land wasn't carved out into obvious

national boundaries like it was in Europe at this time. Like this city would belong to these people, this city would be independent, but they would have to pay tribute to those people. And then they would fight in Rebell and they wouldn't pay tribute, then they'd get taken over again, then another group of people would kind of take them over. You know, it was all constant state of flux. And I know in Europe, also things were in, and state of flux, but even more so here.

You know, it was just really kind of scattered. And yes, they had this territory, but it's not like they had like firm boundaries and everybody was totally locked in to being part of the culture. But they were, they were when Cortez would show up, they were the most military, the powerful empire in the area.

Chanel, let's pause the timeline. Talk a little bit about this, or talk a, you know, more in depth about this, this jewel city, this Tenochtitlan, this, uh, true, true jewel of Mesoamerica. It's the city that would morph later in the Mexico city. This is pretty incredible. The peak of Aztec power, Tienas T-Lan, phenomenal by global standards. And Paris had 150,000 people, they had 200,000,

and they were living in a true urban city. A capital that made many of Europe cities look like dirty, plague, and festive shittles. By 1519, Tienas T-Lan had beautiful, precisely constructed water aqueducts. And this we know because this is recorded by the Spanish conquisstors. I don't know why they would have to lie. And this corroborates what the indigenous people were also saying.

They had zoos, historical museum, aquarium, massive marketplace, marketplaces, exotic gardens, built on top of the lake, 1520, you know, Spanish can key store Hernán Cortez wrote the following to Holy Roman Emperor Charles V saying, to give an account of the greatness and the strange and marvelous things of this great city of Tenochtitlan and of all the Dominions and Splendor of Montezuma, its sovereign of all the rights and customs which these people practice and of the order prevailing in the government not only of this city but also of others belonging to this Lord, much time and very many expert narrators would be required. Take this a lot going on and then he goes on to talk about he compares it to Venice,

describing his beautiful temples, the largest of which Cortez Estimated could house 500 people. If you could visit it, if you go back and take a time machine to it, you find a city filled with canals like Venice, to find farmers and merchants, boats as well as comfortable roadways to travel by. There was four primary areas of the city, 20 smaller districts. They each had their own distinct bloodlines and tribes. Each of them had its own marketplace, you know, temple, school, poor section of town where the farmers lived, you'd find little fast's rough huts, well maintained personal gardens, half naked dudes, paddling can news, no need for much close, the weather's great. Mexico City, man, the weather is low and the 40s and 50s Fahrenheit,

year round and highs in the 70s and 80s. The city had three major causeways running through it, each wide enough to accommodate 10 travelers right inside by side and horses As Cortez would find out that draw bridges that floating raft like islands and farms that a canal system that kept water constantly moving So it didn't get over on with mosquitoes that a 10 mile long wall is surrounding part of the city that helped keep a clean water available to citizens Yep, they would Get their water from springs their fresh water to actually drink there was a terracotta and stone pipes running through the length of the canals, bringing running water into houses for cooking and bathing. They had street vendors selling old school bottled water. Seriously, I had no idea this was saying, I'm not making this up.

They had spring water that would be sold in terracotta containers. How fucking crazy is that? You find a street vendor, street vendors around, you know, get something to drink. There was restaurants, other street vendors selling everything from jewelry to tamales at tamales stands. You know, people selling slaves like most of the ancient world, they had a toly, a tolay, actually a delicious chocolatey drink mixed with maize powder, kind of like a light pudding. They had street performers, all kinds of, you know, people buying stuff around, the giant pyramid near the city center, 16 stories, high covered in line plaster,

painted in spectacular hues of red and blue, made up of four slopes, terraces, passage, connect, niche level, platform, you know, resting atop, that's 262 by 328 feet, big ass platform, so two sets of stairs, leading up to two different shrines, ones for to lock the God of water. The others for that we see Loppouchli, their main god, they had these ballast rays made in the forms of massive snakes. Each set of stairs, anyone to serpent's head at the base, you know,

you can be marvel in this site. No one you could never make it to the top and expect to come back down because it was mostly for priests who were sacrificing people. That was the, there was, you know, oh yeah, just very, very ornate near the temple, temple used for human sacrifices, yeah, to a piece, yes, they got, there's also a large cylinder kind of structure of skulls. It's funny up until this point when I was reading about the description, it's like, oh man, if I had a time machine, I would love to go back

and check all the sounds of this beautiful splendor, this ancient shopping, get some of that old ancient pudding, maybe going around on a boat, hanging out, and then you get to the human sacrifice part, go, no, I would never go there. This one gets dark. Next to the temples, this big, you know, yes, cylinder type structure of hundreds and hundreds of human skulls stacked and cemented together

with lime. How dark is that? More than 650 skulls. You know, I guess I guess it's dark, you know, whatever. You know, maybe I have a skull cylinder in my yard. Maybe it's a, maybe it's something I put in there to match my femur hammock. Yeah, maybe I have a skull cylinder in my yard. Maybe it's something I put in there to match my femur hammock. Yeah, maybe I have a hammock. Maybe I have a human femur, not comfortable, hard and lumpy, but cool to look at. Man, no, seriously, a cylinder of skulls. That is creepy as shit.

There was Monizuma's castle, a zoo on site for Monizuma's entertainment, hundreds of zookeepers, attend into bears, jungle cats. Lots of different kind of birds, monkeys, sloths, deer. Some of the other animals, you know, some of the animals were raised for viewing, some were raised for food and eating zoo. Why don't we get some of those?

Head on over, look at the monkeys and then pick out a panda to eat. Sweet panda meat. Wonder how tender and delicious that lazy, worthless bear's flesh is. I bet, I bet panda is delicious. Anyway, the grounds are cultivated gardens of spectacular wonder, lush, foliage, beautiful,

exotic flowers, ancient artifacts, believed to be from the Olmex and Toltex, adorning the space, carefully tended to and maintained, quite a city. This is what Cortez will walk into. Let's continue with our pause in the time, timeline to talk about Aztec culture a bit. What kind of culture is going on in this city? city slaves are bought and commonly sold in Aztec culture

Unlike slavery in colonial America not racial anyone could end up becoming a slave break the law a crew too much debt Already be a foreign captive You know get sold into slavery by your family to help make ends meet, you know, ta-da your slave Some even went into servitude willingly because slaves were able to accrue money, have holidays off, they were allowed to marry, have kids. Now, they were gonna be fed in a house, treated somewhat humanely by their owners.

And additionally, their kids would not be slaves, the kids would not be considered property. Everyone was born free and has to take culture. If you were a house slave for a wealthy family, you know, life was actually pretty good by ancient standards. However, if you ended up getting sold to a priest, yeah, life is going to take a bad turn. Good chance you're going to end up as a human sacrifice. Most member of the Aztec community were common farmers speculated that roughly 95% of the population, commoners of some sort, farmers, craftsmen, artisans, all the men in the common

cast, regardless of trade were required to spend time in the military Train for battles starting at a young age Within the common cast you get as a soldier increase your social standing by bringing back more live captives and your allies Did you know to your city? This this is gonna come back to haunt and we'll touch on this at the very end of the episode They had a they had an interesting warfare style They were more interested in taking captives than they were in killing their enemy and that fighting technique would haunt them when it came to the Spaniards.

Not as good of a fighting technique as just trying to kill your enemies as it turns out. Common women cared for the home, raised children, cooked and made textiles, grills and boys went to separate schools. Commoners had small open homes, little one room structures, that windows, no entrance, or five families at the same bloodline, live in the same area. All share in the same open patio, little dome structure for a sweat bath also had a,

kind of similar to a sauna, that would be used for rituals, cleansing, and childbirth. There was the middle class that was made up of traveling merchants who would also be spies for the king, the king had a lot of spies. These would be diplomats and collectors of information. They would travel out to other regions, check on the king's land,

make sure the other little communities were paying their proper tributes while delivering their exports or collecting imports. They were also collecting information. They were spying. Who could be trusted? Who could be conquered? You know, there were also judges

who had sailed to Sputes, the middle class. There was the nobles. Nobles would preside over neighborhoods of commoners who were assigned work, kind of like surfed in my guess, a little bit like that. They insured that they were, there was gonna be a function in school for the kids in their neighborhoods, it would be free of charge.

They insured that a temple would be built, maintained, and occasionally had ball courts built for entertainment where I imagined young men practicing pretty hard practicing pretty hard considering there was a chance they would one day end up playing to the death. Nobles were allowed to display their wealth and dress extravagantly their homes were filled with beautifully crafted furniture decorative and fine dining where lots of servants. I mean, they were living it up down there. They were the only class allowed to own land other than the king.

Their kids went to fine schools like private schools where they learned the art and academics. Unlike the public schools where commoners were taught how to be soldiers or how to take care of a home. However, not always fun being a noble. They were expected to be model citizens, display perfect behavior. They had to host large fees for the commoners, to lead labor initiatives, command armies, and if they broke the law or acted in a way, unbefitting the nobles, they would be punished harshly, often involving death, often involving having their heads cut off.

If you made it to the age of 52 without getting your head cut off, you didn't end up getting sacrificed by a priest. Life was pretty sweet. Astex 52 years old and up, we were kind of allowed to do whatever they wanted. You know, within reason, they were given this privilege because if they had completed their life requirements and lived in service of their community, and then they got to kind of kick back and just take it easy. Your time was legit in the Aztec empire, man.

Best empire to retire in the possible. You could be drunk, you could be disorderly in the street, you know, you have your family fucking cook for you clean up after you you've earned it your 52 here Your age you're no very old 50 year old man. That's crazy that that was a that old back then Now there's like 50 year old to do and fucking triathlon's now now then there was the king class one member at a time Kings weren't promoted through family lineage unlike Europe much the rest of the world They had to be elected by nobles, regardless of who their dad was. Kings had advisors. They were expected to personally oversee virtually everything.

Taxes, military strategy, festivals, religious ceremonies. It was a tough job. They reviewed as a governmental leader, a father figure, spiritual leader. They have thousands of servants, excuse me, several wives. They had, you know, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, servants, excuse me, several wives. They live in a palace or a castle or forges filled with hundreds of rooms, shared with their wives, servants and advisors, constantly inundated with gifts that would be piled on one of the lower levels of the castle. Cleanliness was a social norm, the king would be pristine at all time. Servants, wiping his hands and feet on the regular clothing was ornate and beautiful, precious

stones and metals, feathers, finely woven fabric. It's all expected to be worn by the king. Talk about marriage real quick, Aztec men married, usually by the age of 20, girls were often married by the ages of 10 or 12. Ha, man, you thought your kids grow up too fast. Marriages were arranged by relatives with the date chosen by a sucessaire, by some wizard young married couples lived with couples lived with husband's family were expected to take care of their children and the elders of that family

Man my 10 year old daughter and row. She just started doing chores around the house No, she looks like a few dishes from time to time. She was an Aztec. I actually have a husband Like a baby on the way. You have a mother-in-law to clean up after The girl real fast back then a lot of, if you're an Aztec, this is gonna get horrific. So many festivals. First day of every month was feast day. That was a good one.

Easy, it's nice, communities get together, have a little lizard, eat a little rat. Now they had a fish and stuff. From March 21st to April 9th, it was the rights of fertility festival. During the spring equinox the Aztecs honored the god Zipse Totec. Captured warriors were sacrificed their skin flayed and worn by the priests of Zipse Totec

for 20 days. All the kids ran after the priests, playfully hitting them. This is what we'll describe in one of the sources. Playfully hitting them with their wooden toy swords, gladiatorial battles, military ceremonies also took place during this month. What in the fucking fuck? 20 days, they're wearing some bastard's skin for 20 days, three weeks. Having kids chase them around.

You know, right when I started to like them, you know, I'm like, oh, that sucks that they were conquered. And I read something like this, then I'm like, ah, they probably should've been conquered. And I read something like this, then I'm like, ah, they probably should have been conquered. That's not cool. It's too much. Not cool to wear someone's skin. And then play with some kids.

Ed Geen, man, he would have loved being an Aztec priest. He'd been making up new holidays left and right trying to get his hands on more new skin. Ah, flayed, man. Uh-huh. April 30th, to May 19th, it was the great visual festival. Many of the gods honored during this month's human sacrifices, widespread.

Children and young women were sacrificed. Often as offerings to the corn and earth deities. Yep, that's fun. You know, one month you're beaten some skinwear and priest with a wooden sword. The next month he's sacrificing you to the corn god. Are you serious? All great corn god.

Please accept this dead child, needlessly killed as a small token of respect for your wonderful corn. Someone tried to tell me recently that regular water and fertilizer was the best way to grow corn. But I know better, All great corn god. Only the blood of scared children. Sometimes the young woman's blood grows the sweet sweet corn that we all crave praise the corn. People who work in the office next door and upstairs must think I am completely out of my mind. Can you imagine if I know they can hear me, because we've talked about it in the hall before. They can hear a little bit of why I say,

can you imagine if you heard from your office next door, only the blood of children grows corn. Ah, you're mean nervous. New corn was worshiped, people would ask for blessings over the corn crops. Okay, so that's that facile. August 8th through August 27th, it was the feast of the revered deceased.

The goddess known as the Lady of the Dead was the focus this month, which was dedicated to children in the dead, full of joyful festivities, generous feasting as they remember their children and their ancestors, food, small clay figurines, images of the dead, brought to the altars, as the offerings.

Again, what a weird spring and summer for the kids. One day your kids beat an adult skin wearing priests crazy pants. Next month he's being sacrificed. And then a little bit after that, you're like, let's raise a toast to Little Billy. He was taken too soon. It seems like only a few months ago he was hitting that priest because he was December 26th, January 14th was the descent of the water celebration. Four days of bloodletting and a fasting period preceded this month during the festival, Talak.

The Aztec God of Water was asked to ascend waters down to earth so the seasons, New Corn could be grown, feasts would be held in his honor, tended by nobles, and of course, more sacrificing. Slaves would be sacrificed in the surrounding hills hills and the surrounding hills. Excuse me. Kids will be drowned. Yep. Feathers would be left as offerings to T'lok The feathering part is the feathers part doesn't seem too bad. The drowning kid seems I'm gonna say excessive that seems to me to me that seems excessive

Now I'm definitely looking forward to Cortez Conquering these people. I mean, look, the Spaniards did a fair amount of crazy shit. The Inquisition being one we already covered, but this is next level. So much sacrifice. And how you might ask were a lot of these people being sacrificed? Well, let's talk about a common sacrifice practice, you know, excluding those that the,

were sacrificed to the rain god that were just thrown into the water, you know, held under and drowned. Begin with the person being stretched out over a large stone at the top of the temple, the temple mayor, the priest would then use an obsidian knife to stab him in the heart. Just like some fucking Indiana Jones temple of doom shit.

The priest would use an obsidian knife to stab him in the heart, remove the heart from their body as an offering to the gods. I imagine it's still beating. I probably didn't know that's probably impossible. Then they would be decapitated, then they would be dismembered, and then their body, what's left of it, they would be tossed down the steps of the pyramid. Between 10,000 and 80,000 people were sacrificed during the temple's seventh phase of construction, according to one source they found, accounts very wildly regarding exactly how many people were sacrificed

because we don't know, but it seems it seems as if they were sacrificing people like so often and so many. They were busy beasts. What a weird job for those priests. If I was, if I had to be sacrificed, I got to say, I'd want to be one of the people sacrificed at the start of a shift, right? I want the knife to be at sharpest. You know, I want their people sacrificed at the start of a shift, right? I want the knife to be sharpest. You know, I want their arms to be the least amount of tired,

right? Let's get this over with quick, because what if you were, you know, sacrificed number 47 that day? You're at the end of a 12 hour sacrifice shift, you know? The price, you know, it's been 10 minutes, you still can't get your heart out. Sorry, I'm just, I'm exhausted.

I'm sorry, I know this is, this is drawn out and terrible, the knife is dull. Look, you have no idea how exhausting it is to cut 40, 50 hearts out in a day. And then there's the heads. Then we have anything to talk about. All the heads I got cut off. If you weren't about to get your head to cut off,

I would tell you to try for yourself. You see how tart it is. You tell me how easy it is. And you have a pretty thick neck. God, where is this? Where is this? One. Where is this fucking thick neck day?

God damn, hooray. Hooray gets one skinny twig neck after another. I got, I got Paco no neck to sock through. And then there's the dismemberment. Yes, that's probably the worst part. By the time I'm done for the day, I'll tell you. I can barely, I can barely throw a torso down the steps. Now hold still, you're squirming, you're squirming.

If you keep squirming, I'm never gonna get that hard up. Yes, so now we know a little bit about how to take a culture prior to the Spaniards landing, like every culture, some good parts and some bad parts I am terrified of them good parts like tasty chocolate milk or not milk like a tasty chocolate corn drink Which doesn't sound good when you say it that way. Do you want a tasty chocolate corn drink? No What apparently is this Feast solid weather Bad parts like you know kids being sacrificed to corn gods

So okay, so let's jump back in today's timeline now with the birth of the man who would savagely fuck this culture up, her nankortes, a man who was arguably not a very good dude. Why was he not a very good dude? He seemed very bloodthirsty, seemed kind of angry. Why was he angry? Maybe, and I don't know this for sure, but he might have been mad about hair loss. Maybe he was thin and up top, he was upset about it, and he took his frustrations out on the Aztecs. Maybe he needed to get in touch with today's

sponsor. Time suck brought to you today by ForHims.com, a one stop shop for hair loss skin care, sexual wellness for men with medical grade solutions, real doctors, well known generic equivalents to name, brand, prescriptions that can help you keep your hair for hymns.com offers men easier, more affordable access to prescriptions, products, and medical advice. And they're not fucking around. They don't sell hippy, dippy, pseudo-science, crystal, herbal supplements. You're not going to get some catnip.

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Today do it while supplies last for five bucks Right there. They're losing money. They're losing see the website for full details This will cost hundreds if you went to a doctor of pharmacy, go to fourhims.com slash time suck. That's four hymns. F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash time suck. And the link is in today's episode description. Do it, man. Five bucks get started. Take care of yourself. And there's much more on the site. In addition to to to to hair, you know, products. There's there's much more. There's a lot of cool stuff. Check it out. Now back to her name. He who brought a world of pain to the Aztecs Cortez. Okay. Her name or her Nando Cortez was born in 1485 in Medellin, western Spain. He was born to a comfortable upper middle class family attended the University of Dade Day salamanga and studied law before venturing out to make his riches as an explorer in the Americas in

1504 at the age of 18 he blew the boys away. It was more than they'd seen. I don't know why temp Tom Petty just Jumped into my head right there. I know in Fernin at a J. A. T. N. E. Sailed for his man, Yola, Haiti, Dominican Republic today, aboard a ship captain by Alfonso Quintero and settled in the capital of San Diego after arriving. He found governor Nicholas Deovanda. What's of course newly established from Spain? He was out for gold, but basically told to calm down, shut the fuck up. Do some more.

Can be happy with your piece of land. I may have added the shut the fuck up part. Cortez registered as a colonist. I did that for about five years. He also spent a bit of time sleeping around. I guess he was the ladies man there. He also squashed some indigenous uprisings. Gained a name for himself as a ruthless mofo. 1511, sailed for Cuba where he assisted Diego Velasquez, the first colonial governor there, conquering the area, further his reputations, a dude who did what needed to be done. He was rewarded with land and slaves

through his growing connections and reputation. He became clerk to the treasurer with a Spanish crown. From there, he moved up to become secretary to the governor himself, twice appointed magistrate before becoming mayor of Cuba's capital. He uses power to fight for more, quote unquote, rights for the colonists, you know, things like demanding that they be assigned more local slaves to work their minds and farms. What about our rights?

What about our rights to take away other people's rights? What about those rights? Cortez also ferned up his relationship with the elite by marrying Velasquez's sister-in-law Catalina, a little political marriage, 1518. Aztec ruler Montezuma, the second, begins to receive reports that foreigners have landed on the coast. One day, Grille Halva, Grille Halva. Yeah, the first Spanish explorer to set foot on Mexican soil at Justice Abish camp was

repairing his exploratory expedition. Montezuma ordered eyes to the area. Uh, it was, it was, it was to be kept abreast of developments. Uh, make a was under new exploration now. Spain has sent a few scouts inland quietly check out what's going on. Send some reports back reports do come back. Right. One day, Grojava talks about cities of gold Cortez hears about this eager to check it out. After Dr. Giholva returns,

he persuades Velasquez to let him join the ongoing Spanish explorations in October of 1518, but then in the last minute and 1519 Velasquez canceled a trip out of jealousy over Cortez's growing power and frustration over their now strained relationship. Things aren't going well between the two. And then Cortez, he had recently convinced or tricked, depending on the source of the Vlasquez, into writing a new clause into existing law that would allow emergency measure to be taken without prior authorization from the crown. And Vlasquez is concerned that Cortez is going to now use that for selfish gain. And he does. He ignores the cancellation of his expedition in February of 1519 and he takes off to make his mark in the

new world under an active mutiny. He picks up more soldiers, horses and supplies and Cuba, lands in Mexico in February with 11 ships, 500, eight men, 13 horses and cannons. And he brought with them a new Catholic policy of do what we fucking tell you to do and maybe you will live. And he brought that to whoever he ran into. Seriously, back in 1510, a group called the Council of Castile had drafted something called the requirement for a new world exploration. It was to be read to all indigenous people encountered by Spanish explorers and it established the religious authority of the Roman Catholic Pope over the entire earth.

Also established the political authority of Spain over all of the Americas, excluding Brazil, because Portugal had that one, and they had a deal with Portugal, it was generally read and Latin upon arrival. Is it anyone could understand? Think about how ridiculous this is. They would just show up. They would go, some dude was standing on empty beach

and read a language that knowing living there knew even if they were there. It's just such nonsense. And then they would act as if that was gave them moral credence to just do whatever the horrible shit they wanted to do. This is what here's some excerpts. They would start reading this and this would be in Latin and say, if you do so, if you're obedient to the Spanish crown, if you do so, you will do well. And that was your obliged to do to their highness. And we and their name shall receive you in love and charity and

Shall you your wives and your children in your lands free without servitude that you may do with them and with yourselves Free that which you like and think best and again No one can speak this language that they would be reading to you But if you do not do this and maliciously make delay in it I certify to you that with the help of God We shall powerfully enter into your country. We shall make war against you in all ways and manners that we can and shall subject you

to the yoke and obedience of the church and of the highness. Hineses, we shall take you in your wives and your children and shall make slaves of them. And as such, shall sell and dispose of them as their highnesses may command. And we shall take away your good and shall do you all the mischief and damage that we can as to vassals who do not obey and refuse to receive their Lord

and resist and contradict him. And we protest that the deaths and losses which shall accrue from this are your fault, and not that of their highnesses or ours nor of these cavaliers who come with us. Wow, these arrogant fucks. My favorite part is, shall do you all the mischief and damage that we can? In the name of Jesus and the Father, we will motherfuck you savages. If you do one thing that annoys us slightly, and because they were really to this degree,

assholes, they didn't even honor the first part. We'll let you live if you surrender peacefully. Now, peaceful surrender, aggressive defense, eventually didn't even honor the first part of, will let you live if you surrender peacefully. No, peaceful surrender, uh, aggressive defense, eventually the story would always end the same way. Death, submission, theft, oppression, cultural annihilation. See, now, now, earlier I was rooting for the Spanish conquerors, now I might be back on the Aztec team.

I gotta say, very hard to root for anyone in this tale. It was a bloody, terrible time to be alive. You have one shitty empire going up against what seems to be another shitty empire. And May of 1519 Cortez has landed his fleet of ships in the Yucatan established a settlement that would later become a Vedic cruise. Cortez is able to learn to the beginnings of communicating with locals. They never really describe how that works. I never understand that. Would they show up in a place where they don't speak the language of anyone there and they start to figure out how to talk to them. I

guess in the, you know, the previous explorer who done test missions, maybe took some captives. And over the next few months, they figured out how to kind of talk to them, but they don't say that. It's just speculation. I never understand how they start to talk to these people. But anyway, they start talking with locals in particular, a woman named, who would be renamed Donna Marina, who was one of 20 slaves given to Cortez, right when he got there in the Dabasco region. And she would, you want to become his interpreter guide,

actually would go on to become the mother of one of his sons, Marin. And she tells him that he will probably be viewed by the Aztecs as the fulfillment of a prophecy. His arrival coincided with an important Aztec prophecy, converting the Aztec God that we've mentioned, Ketsul, Kewatel, Kewatel, whom they credited with the creation of humans, along with other notable feats who was set to return to earth. They were waiting for him to return to earth and lead them.

Montezuma and the Aztecs would think that Cortez was this God. That's a huge advantage she walked into. Cortez would use this to his advantage. When Cortez landed in Vellicruz, Montezuma was immediately notified. He sent five messengers to greet the strangers, directing them to be curious and gracious. Send them off with a variety of valuable goods, a serpent mask, inlaid with turquoise, a shield decorated with gold, mother of pearl, pendants, jewelry, lots of more treasure. When the messengers arrive, Cortez is his men, demand to know who they are and where

they're from. And then they use a ladder, a lower ladder, you know, as these guys aboard the ship, upon meeting Cortez, the Aztec messengers show respect by kissing the ground. You know, I guess it would technically be the wood before ador adorning him with their gifts laying out the rest for his display I guess maybe they did it on the beach that detail also not not recorded then Cortez His captain asked them and is this all is this is this your gift of welcome? Is this how you greet people? What a bunch of dicks I just picture these spandards snaring and laughing with each other as they do this no Respect the lives of anyone in the Americas.

Errogates, man, of the early explorers towards indigenous people. It's just sickening. But to be fair, that kind of is how the world worked in general back then. Like Cortez and his men didn't give two shit about the lives of these guys or who they were as people. But also the Aztec leaders didn't give shit about them either. Back then, ruling people, you know, to a far greater degree than now,

at least they were able to get away with different things than they do now. Rural people just didn't fucking care about the lives of anyone else. Their lives were just truly disposable, did not matter. Man, life for most of the world, for most of the world's history has been seen as pretty cheap, taken as gifts Cortez, then changed the messengers by their feet

and neck, changed them up. Then to display the spaniards' strength, he fires a cannon and they've never seen anything like this before in their lives, not even close. They had nothing close to a cannon and it scared them so bad they literally fainted. These warriors faint like what the hell is that thing? So noisy. A noise they've never heard, never heard anything that loud not even close So once they're revived Cortez announces that you know, he's heard the Mexicans these guys

I get you know say Mexicans as tax whatever great warriors and And he he wanted to see if the rumors were true He heard they were great warriors and he wanted them to fight some of the soldiers to the death They beg him not to do that You know that they were sent there to bring good tidings and not battle. He's like, now we're gonna battle. We're gonna eat first, then we're gonna battle. And then when they're free to eat, the messier is managed to escape. So I don't know if that was just some psychological thing to mess them like he just wanted to scare them more, but they maybe he let them get away, but they get away. They paddle, they run their sweet asses off,

and they make it back to monosume in the middle of the night. And they tell him a thing like a ball comes out of its entrails. They come out shooting sparks and raining fire. If the cannon is aimed against a mountain, the mountain splits and is cracked open. Their trappings and their arms are all made of iron. Their deer horses, well, they said, they're deer, who was their horses. I can't like when it's spoken as deer horses.

Their deer horses carry them on their backs, wherever they wish to go. These deer are Lord or as tall as the roof of a house. Yeah, because they'd never seen deer before The stranger's bodies are completely covered So that only their faces can be seen their skin is white as if it were made of lime and they go on to talk about You know enormous dogs they'd never seen those before strange food more more stuff more weapon their terrified He responds this alarming news by sending out another group of men. This time he sends, quote,

profits, wizards, nobles and warriors. Send the wizards time to bring in the wizards. He sends them some more gifts and sends some captives this time. And he tells them like, hey, just show them that we're cool, sacrifice the captives in front of them. And then let the Spaniards drink their blood so they can be happy about that, you know, it'd be a nice, nice thing to do.

Again, this reminds me of the early thing, when they, when they, you know, in their, in their history, when they killed, killed that leader's daughter, and then wore her skin. You know, let's, let's do something nice. That guy who's really cool with him to give us his daughter. Let's, let's return the favor. Let's, let's, let's one up. Let's take it a notch higher. Let's one up. Let's take it a notch higher. Let's kill her.

Let's wear her skin as a suit and have dinner with him. Like, these guys are just so fucked up. Like, their culture is so off the charts crazy and certain aspects. It's like, it's such a weird thing with they're trying to do their best. They're trying to do a good deed, but what they consider a good deed,

most of history considers like, preposterously evil and horrific. You're like, let's be nice. I'm showing that we're cool, bring a couple of slives and a cut through throats and get their blood into some goblets and then make a toast. And oh, and send the magicians. He sends the magicians and he tells the magicians,

that's what was written in the source as magicians. He tells the magicians to learn about them, identify their potential weaknesses, if possible, cast a spell, cast a charm against them. Get some fucking spells going, if you don't mind. Upon return, the group tells Monizio that Cortez is men, not happy about the blood. They were disgusted and refused to drink it. So, root, kind of root. When in Rome, guys, you drink the blood. Nope.

And then the magicians explain that they failed in finding weaknesses. They were unable to cast successful charms against them. What a crazy time. They proclaimed that monosume was people that they were no match for these new spaniards. So then, you know, monosume was like, ah, shit, man. He's nervous. He's like, all right, we'll go fucking monotrums some more. Just bring me back something. Bring me back something. So he sends a bunch of spies to kind of keep an eye on him. What a weird culture clash, you know, like Monizumi just being so confused. What do you mean? What do you mean? They wouldn't drink the human blood. Did you offer, did you give him bread? Did you drink it? Did you eat it with?

Well, they drink it, and they still wouldn't drink it. Incredible. Did you learn anything about their magic? Did you learn anything about their spells? Nah, nah. Did you try casting charms? You're best charms. What about Lenny? Lenny, did you work your best charms?

What about the death charm? You'd give, God damn, okay. All right, tell me a little more about the giant deer. Let's talk about the deer, they write. So crazy, man. These spaniards were like aliens to them, right? Think about, think about what was going through their heads. The Aztecs encountering the Spaniards with their futuristic weapons, their armor,

animals they'd never seen before, these big ships, they'd never seen anything like that. They looked down to their skin color like humans, they had never encountered. Encountering the Spaniards, I bet was this mind blowing to them as if we today encounter UFOs. Like it would be just as mind blowing is if a giant spaceship landed in your town and started trying to talk to you. Oh man. Cortez knew that several men on his crew wanted to gather as much gold as possible, set sail

for home, but he had bigger plants. He wanted to create a working empire. He's thinking long term So he sinks all of his ships, but one God may he sinks all the ships now. I'm trying to remember how many ships he had Because he had a lot. I'm backing up my notes. He had a fleet of ships Sorry, a lot of notes. I know you're probably like this looking get on on with the story. We don't, oh, he had 11 ships. So he syncs 10 ships. He leaves one ship. Yeah. And he's like, no, no, the one ship he just left by the way,

just so we could, you know, send a message to the, you know, Holy Roman Emperor, King of Spain, Charles V, and you know, Charles is Queen Joanna, telling them, like, hey, I'm gonna bring you a lot of gold. You're gonna see, I know I wasn't supposed to be here, but you're gonna see that this is worth it. I'm gonna get you guys so much gold. And basically, you know, burn the rest of the ships,

tell his men, like, nah, nah, bros. We go home when we get all of the gold. We're not getting a couple ships, we're getting all of it. We're taking everything. Yeah, the court has then soon, he soon meets some men, some other tribes in the area that agreed to take him and help him out,

take him to Tennache, Tbilan, the city of Mexico. You know, and they're gonna guide him there. He makes some alliances, basically tell them like, you know, I'll take care of you. If you take me to the city, if you don't take care of me, I'm gonna kill you. Well, the guides are a member of the, this is a tough one.

Tlax, Tlax Collins, and they hated the Aztecs. These sons of bitches, if it wasn't for them, I don't think Cortez would have been able to get the Aztecs. They had a big empire of their own, not nearly as big as the Aztecs, but they had a lot of dudes. A lot of dudes, and they've been forced to pay high taxes and provide, you know, stack official tributes for years. They were living under the thumb, they were technically part of the Aztec Empire a little bit because they were these, you know, they have to pay tributes.

So they're like, oh, this might be our chance to get out from one of them. And then Cortez and his new allies, they begin to move inland. By some accounts, that's Loxon's took advantage of their new found weapon and started to use it to, you know, solve disputes with other people that alike like uh... you know he could they convinced them the spaniards that the uh... chaltecas run the way and should be defeated they were friends of the as tax and brave warriors and uh... these people were you know more enemies of the fox collins

uh... tax collins sent a message to the chaltecas on behalf of the spanners to surrender them the chaltecas were afraid of the spaniards and they said like come on bring it bring it man our god will take area Our God will take care of you. They genuinely believe their God would strike down the enemy. You know, that was the these these can keystadors weren't part of their prophecy. So they're like, yeah, if I can get it, come on over here. Our God is going to smack you with lightning and then drown you.

That's what they actually believed. And they sent a clear message back with an envoy that had been sent to tell them to lay their weapons down and just, you know, bow down to the Tlax, an envoy that have been sent to tell them to lay their weapons down and just, you know, bow down to the Tlex, uh, Tlex, uh, Collins and the Spaniards. And the Cholteca's man, they sent this guy back. There's poor envoy, the guy that brought them the message, they sent him back with his hands basically completely cut off, but just kind of dangling by a little bit of skin from the wrist.

And they sent him back with the following message, go back and tell the, uh, Tlex Collins Telex Collins and the people with them that we invite them to come. This is our answer. This looks to happen. Look what happened to this guy. So Cortez and Carl's from assembly with the shaltekas, he's like, hey man, let's not get crazy. No one needs to fight. Let's talk and work this out.

And then when everyone shows up to the meeting place, they're not in war mode. He and his Telex Collins allies, lock him in, beat him to death. So I keep messing up on this word because it's written in two ways. That's not a thing. A lot of these times, man, some of these little smaller ones, they write it in three different ways. So sometimes they have written down one way, sometimes they have written down another.

Even when you're looking like, uh, even I was like Wikipedia, it'll be like this tribe, then it'll have like three variations of their name. Uh, so anyway, he is, he is, he is, he is, he is bros. He and his buddies go after, but they don't have like three variations of their name. So anyway, he and his, he and his bros, he and his buddies go after the guys they don't like. They kill, they kill 15 to 30,000 of them, burn portions of their capital city. Their God does not come to their defense, does not drown them,

doesn't send any lightning down, you know, doesn't help them out. Well, news travels quickly to the Aztecs that the Spaniards now, that they have an ally, the fucking whatever, the whole, the crazy ass names, the tax collins, and that they're there, you know, there's caused some carnage. Monizuma here is about it. And Cortez now sends advanced communication to Monizuma,

that if he's going gonna, if he accepts them and provides them with respect and gold, they have nothing to fear. He receives that news and he sends gifts, more gifts now to the Spaniards to appease them. He sends it a ton of gold, some feathers, some jewels. Some accounts say this was done as a tax to keep them away.

Others say it was like to welcome the return of the perceived God, Kelsal Kualtl, who you know, Monizba believed Cortez to be. We don't know for sure, which is truth. Most historians seem to think he did think he was a God. What we do know is that Cortez, he heads over. November 8th, 1519, he makes his way to Nostalcula, and Montezuma meets him, and his men at the Cosway

leading to the great city. They exchange gifts. The wide road leading to the city is covered in flowers for their arrival. The Aztec leader gives Cortez an Aztec calendar made out of gold and silver. This point, history is again muddy. Cortez claims that Montezuma immediately hands him over the city, telling him he believes into being Aztec God. Most historically preserved accounts agree with this. Again, the problem though is that Cortez loved to embellish his own tales of

conquests and then he happened to be in control of the narrative. Some firsthand accounts claim that Monizuma told Cortez, you have come to sit on your seat of authority, which I have kept for a while for you, where I have been in charge for you, for your agents, the rulers. Interpretation knows a tricky thing. And in the Aztec culture, I guess it was common to basically be sarcastic. They would say what was polite, common to basically be sarcastic.

They would say what was polite, but they would mean the opposites. So maybe he was like being sarcastic, you know, maybe he was being genuine and like, hey, God, I've been keeping your kingdom ready for you. Uh, we don't know. We don't know. Maybe he said there's no reason to fight. Maybe he said there's plenty of gold for everybody, you know, maybe he said, let's talk everything out after you get a good night's sleep on a Lisa mattress.

Maybe he said that. We don't know for sure. There's a lot of things open to possibility. Yes, today's time so I just also brought you by Lisa mattress driven by the mission to provide a better place to sleep for everybody. Lisa is an innovative direct consumer online mattress brand that is also socially conscious.

In fact, for every 10 mattresses Lisa sells, they donate one to a shelter through their 110 program. They plant one tree for every mattress sold, donate 1% of each employee's time to volunteer for local causes. And if they would have been around back in the Aztec era, they would have been encouraging priests to do less sacrificing, cut less hearts out, take more naps. Lisa is designed for all types of sleepers, be just three premium foam layers, two inch

of Vena foam top layer for cooling and breathability. I feel like mod of zoom would have enjoyed that. Two inch memory foam middle layer for body contouring, pressure relief, maybe Cortez would have enjoyed that. Six inch dense core support foam for durability and structure, I enjoy that.

I, I'm sure this week while I'm camping, I'm gonna be wishing, you know, that I have my Lisa I'm camping, I'm, I'm going to be wishing, uh, you know, that I have my Lisa mattress with me in the tent. My back is going to be jacked until I get back to my Lisa. So get your ship together. Try Lisa mattress in your own home for a hundred nights risk free available in the US, UK, Canada and Germany online with free shipping. There's a hundred percent American made mattress, ships compressed in a box, right to your

door. I had one show to mine. It's so easy. Uh, you can try it at the least a dream gallery in Soho, New York City, and try it in Virginia Beach over 80 West Elm stores nationwide. Get $160 off when you go to lease to L-E-E-S-A.com slash time suck link in the episode description. All right. So maybe Monizuma didn't talk to Cortez about mattresses. Whatever was said, Monizuma took Cortez to his palace where the Spaniards lived in luxury. As a guest of

the king, surveyed his remarkable city. Yeah. Sorry, customs, great feasts were held. Towards the city were given the newcomers. Golden valuable gifts were bestowed on the Spaniards Cortez responded by asking for more for his king. And of course, a bunch of people were sacrificed. Yeah, this is the Aztecs. You know, that horrifies the Spaniards. Monizuma had previously been warned by his brother, Quitlouac, Quitlouac, and his nephew,

Cacotminson, that he should not trust the Spanish. And that he should act swiftly again, seven or two out of the didn't listen. Because that could have ended the court, you know, the Spaniards advance. Probably would have, because they were act swiftly against him. It's too bad he didn't listen because that could have ended the court, you know, the Spaniards' advance probably would have because they were greatly outnumbered. If they were to just kill them when they showed up, even with their allies, you know, they probably could have taken them, but he didn't. He didn't listen to his brother.

He's like, hey, hey, who's a ruler here? Are you guys a ruler? Am I the ruler? Hey, you remember last year when he told me that the corn would come in just fine with the sacrifice of only a thousand kids and I was like, why not five thousand? Maybe at least two thousand really cute kids. And I took your advice, we only killed a thousand kids, and then, and then the corn was a little tiny,

and a little dry for my liking. That's when I promised myself to never listen to you too again, after the corn situation. Who knows what he said, but he didn't listen to him. He ignored their warnings. Then on November 14th, 1519 Cortez took Monizuma prisoner. Records claim it was a peaceful surrender with Monizuma being held hostage in his own palace.

And again, you know, it could have been a very peaceful surrender if he really believed they were, they were gods or that Cortez was the god, I guess, you know, and then supposedly they became something akin to kind of friends, they played board games together, visit casually. Monizuma ordered large tribute of gold, and other precious items to be collected for Cortez and his men while they remained in his palace. This pushed many of the Aztecs citizens to their breaking point.

They began to doubt their leader, tensions began to escalate. Monizuma supposedly advised Cortez then to leave for a while at this time, man, he really bought into him be the god to let it go but he didn't then in april or may of fifteen twenty a man named uh... panfilo they never is arrives in mexican uh... on the gold coast sent by governor villas ques to bring courtes to heal by this to chose up with nineteen ships over eight hundred soldiers eighty

horsemen hundred twenty crossbowman uh... and more the mission simple's simple, capture Cortez, bring him back to Cuba to face trial for insubordination. But Cortez instead, you know, he convinces this dude's men to follow him. He really didn't fuck around, man. Yeah, he fought some of his fellow Spaniards and then convinced the rest to come with you.

No, come on, come on, come with me. There's so much gold. Let's go get it. So now he has more soldiers. May 22nd, 1520, the Aztecs host, or annual celebration, the festival of Tux-Cottal. This one Cortez is gone, working shit out with this, with his, with his other dude. He's left Pedro de Elvarado in charge back in Tunachtelan. And the add-sector host is annual celebration

in the festival of Toxtocadl, the permission of Elvarado. And in the midst of the festival, a young man who had prepared for an entire year to be sacrificed is sacrificed, and Elvarado loses his shit. He'd only allowed the festival to happen under the direction that no sacrifices be taken place. These guys are, I love just how they're so sick of the sacrifices.

Like, look, look, you assholes, no sacrifices, right? I'm sick of it. I don't like the immortal sacrifice and being done as I'm manipulating your leaders and letting me take over your empire. Alvarado had been previously informed through the torture of some priests and nobles that the Aztecs were also planning to revolt.

Now, he was interesting there. He was against sacrifice, but he's pro-torture. And then, uh, then dances begin, and then, uh, human flesh, begins being eaten as part of the elaborate ritual of the festival after the sacrifice. And he loses shit, and he orders the gates to be closed and all Aztecs presence to be slaughtered. Men, women, and children, just, again, the hypocrisy though.

You people are savages. I'll show you what it looks like to be civilized Diego. Butchered all the children. Teach them some decency. So Cortez defeats Navarra's his forces in an ambush. It's actually okay. Sorry, I didn't have that in my notes earlier, but he defeats that guy who'd come to bring him

to heal defeat that guy, defeats his forces, then convinces the crew to join him and to return to Tino to notch T-Lan, you know, to get some gold. And again, so meanwhile, after the butchering, there is a revolt. Thousands of Aztecs are now attacking the Spanish. They refuse to listen to them when Montezuma comes back. He delivers a speech at Cortez's behest to tell them to calm down. Tell them, you know, come on, we'll work this out. And it doesn't go well.

He's giving them a speech. Check this shit out. The crowd becomes very angry. They start throwing rocks at them and one of these rocks strikes him in the head and kills him. That's how he died. Who's fantasized other than me about something like that happening to a politician while listening to them give a speech you don't care for?

It shots at the fuck up already. And then you know, just a rock flies out of the crowd. Smack dead. New King is elected from the surviving nobles. Quit the walk. Montezuma's younger brother would warn him about the Spanish. Now shit's not cool between the spanners and the Aztecs on the night of June 30th or the morning of July 1st, the Noche of Treestay, the night of sorrow.

Cortez tried to sneak out of the city in the dead of night. Muffles, the horses, hooves, carries boards to fill in the gaps left from some burning bridges that had been burnt during this big revolt. Woman spots them in their escape, alerts others, fighting breaks out. Spanish now are trying to escape. They know there's a chance chance to be slaughtered now by the as-text-out number of try to get out of the city

uh... but they're trying to get their gold with them and a bunch of Spanish soldiers drown in the water weighed down by the goal that refused to leave behind uh... lot of spaniards actually uh... fall down and drown in stories tell about bodies end up filling the gaps in the causeway in this road stack on top each other so high that eventually others could run across them to escape. Other stories tell of screams hurt his men or dragged the temple for sacrifice or murdered in the streets by local.

So it's just going bad for the spanners right now. The death toll varies greatly depending on the stores. Cortez says he lost anywhere from 400 to 1000 men. The Aztecs lost just as many or more, but they did win the battle. But Cortez and Alvarado do escape. Again, that could have changed things. It's funny. All these little moments where things could have went very differently in history. Like what if Cortez didn't escape? I mean, in this instance, probably after the tales that have gone back to Spain, they probably

were delayed the inevitable by a few years. Somebody else would have come and conquered. But now under new leadership, the Aztecs attack at the Battle of Atamba on July 9th or 10th, the Aztecs attack the Spanish, Tlexcal Teca forces at Atamba under their new leaders directive. Man, those that other little nation, they're still fighting alongside Cortez that they wouldn't have helped again. At 1000s of warriors to his ranks,

the Aztecs probably would have killed him. Their aim is to drive out the conqueous stores for good, capitalized on a recent victory, but they just don't have the weaponry to properly fight armored knights and horseback. On a swift move move Cortez ends the battle by taking down the Aztec commander with one of his horsemen The Spanish won but they did lose up to 860 soldiers on their side more than a thousand Others are killed there's all these numbers the numbers get thrown around there

There's so many discrepancies and how many he had so many he may have gotten from reinforcements, but a lot of people dying both side the tlaxcala, they then start surrounding Aztec cities. You know, they could have crushed Cortez at this time with their superior numbers, but they're still on his side. But the Aztecs do try to try to make a play for them. The new Aztec king reaches out and it's like, hey, man, let's just join forces. Let's defeat Cortez, but Cortez gives him a better deal. He promises to share any spoils of war with them. Pay, you know, pay for their contributions to the work, give them a city, make them exempt from future taxes and tributes, allow them to build on Tenochtitlan and part of this agreement would be honored by the Spaniards for a few decades. And then they would tax your shit out of them and just take some of the land court

Tesla and his allies retreat to slacks collars Well, they're a capital began to launch a new campaign against the Aztecs securing the town surrounding Teton Tennatch TLAN Tennatch TLAN most locals most local villages readily join out of hatred for the Aztecs demands of tribute or out of sheer desire to avoid Cortez's wrath. It was a dark, difficult time. Food is scarce now. The city closes doors and shut off supply. The, the allies of Cortez resort to living off the flesh of their recently killed enemies while the Christian conkeys stores pretend not to notice and they eat dogs and corn. Cortez's soldiers threatened to revolt. They, you know, they want to return to

velacruz, but Cortez doesn't allow it. He's like, no, that's failure. And if he fails, he's going to be convicted as a traitor. But he knows if he wins and claims the other spoils for Spain, he's going to be a hero. So he convinces somehow the men following him to carry on a push forward. He orders some smaller ships and sluips to be built by his master ship builder to siege the city. He does start to get some reinforcements.

He starts to receive some supplies and men from Spain because the crown did receive his letter, did receive his gold, did, you know, he sent some reinforcements to kind of help him secure everything over there. 1520 October, a tiny, powerful ally shows up in this really wins the war for Cortez. Smallpox. Smallpox epidemic breaks out and Tenochtitlan, the Aztecs, you know, they have never encountered a disease like this before. They have no natural immunity whatsoever.

And then for 60 days, it burns the city and devastates them. Kills about half the city. This is an eyewitness account. It says, many died from the plague, many others died of hunger. They could not get up and searchates him. Kills about half the city. This is an eyewitness account. It says, many died from the plague, many others died of hunger. They could not get up and search for food. Everyone else was too sick to take care for them. So they starve to death and they're beds. By the time the danger was recognized, the plague was well established and nothing could halt it. Yeah, man. Killed 50% of the Aztec population, 40% of the total native population in the area. You know, when you're at war and you lose half of your people to disease in just two months

time, you're probably going to lose the war. So this is another thing, it's like, you know, if that disease wouldn't have ravaged them, what would have happened then? Maybe they would have been able to fight back and, you know, properly battle the Spanish. Who knows? The disease also reaches a Spanish, but they, you know, significantly less people die because they have some immunity to this disease. On December 4th, 1520, uh, quit, lawak, the Aztec leader, he dies, probably a small, small

box. Following month, Cortez goes on a major offensive in January, 1521, the, uh, the allied Spanish Tlexcalas, you know, the, and also the,, some Tex-Coken forces, attack towns and cities around Tenochtitlan, over 10,000 new Flexcala soldiers now have joined Cortez, thousands of soldiers from other cities are joining the cause. Everyone's pouring in now out of genuine hate for the Aztecs. So remember the Aztecs, they've made these people pay tributes for years. They've sacrificed their people for years.

So when word kind of starts to spread, that they might be able to take down the Aztecs, they don't know the Spaniards. They don't know how bad they're going to be, might be able to take down the Aztecs, they don't know the Spaniards. They don't know how bad they're going to be, but they do know how bad the Aztecs were. So all that kind of comes back to haunt the Aztecs now. More Spanish ships landed by the crews, more Spaniards show up, more munitions and horses on May 22nd show up. Cortez moves into position with possibly tens of thousands of soldiers now with them. Do a directed giant assault against

Tenochtitlan, 13 shallow bottom brigadines are mounted with cannons are set into the lake around the city, giving Spanish control of it, fresh water to the city is cut off, they cut off the access to the springs, the Aztec fight Cortez for control lake launching up to a thousand canoes, but that's those are no match for the cannons. The Aztecs, they're reeling from their massive losses from smallpox, starvation. It's chaos. They've lost a couple of kings recently. Countless nobles have been lost. They need food. They need water. There's no way to exit. The Spanish have cut off all their supply routes. The few remaining tributaries that hadn't pledged themselves as allies to Cortez. They now also began to fall in line because they can tell

like, all right, these guys are probably going to win Let's go on the winning sides. So they pile on inside the city starvation dehydration or run in their course again You know people are starting to drink saltwater and desperation now they're getting sick from that they're getting dysentery They're starting to eat everything. They're so hungry. They're eating wood leather even softened brick That's what you know you're fucking super hungry when you start non brick, I would rather make a reservation at mostly rats and lizards than to eat a brick. The Aztecs do, incredibly, win a small battle here and there. One time when Cortez pushes forward an attack into the market square from the canals, he's wounded and nearly captured.

After all that, 65 other Spanish soldiers soldiers soldiers, excuse me, are captured. And their heads are cut off. And this one Aztec general general guatamok proceeds to throw five of their heads at Alborado's camp, four thrown in Cortez's camp, thrown at Cortez's camp. It doesn't say exactly where they're thrown from, but it's just the fact that he threw them towards their camp. Six thrown in some of his camp sacrifices a bunch of them sends their hands feet and skin to allied cities. They're continuing to sacrifice captives for consecutive nights, let the Spanish

concai store hear the screams. They're roasting some of the people they've taken and eaten them and then you know sending over like parts of their eaten bodies throwing that over the wall telling the other people to go ahead and have their fill. They're fucking hardcore, man. Cortes is, again, it was a real asshole, but the Aztecs were pretty monstrous themselves. Cortes decides to wait him out a bit more, right? He keeps getting reinforcements, he's got food and water.

Let's let him starve, let's let him dehydrate, little bit more. And then in August 15, 21, they advance after months of strategy and battle, they make it into the city, and then days of chaotic fighting and sue Heavy casualties on both sides unbelievable the assets are still able to fight back They take positions on nearly every rooftop and their last act of defense Accounts claimed that they still continue to sacrifice up to about 70 more captives at the temple while the war is raging on in its final days

You know just desperate just come on come on corn god, please Come on come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, war, war God. How many hearts do you need? How many hearts do you need before you help us? After several days of fighting, the few remaining leaders, uh, far past weary, and they finally just surrendered, tried to negotiate with Cortez, August 13th, 1521, the, the remaining Aztecs just fucking beaten to shit, starved, dehydrated to surrender. And then within three years from this point, all of Mesoamerica would fall in her Spanish control. Cortez demands that the gold lost in the Llanche Triste, the 19, when they tried to sneak out of the

city earlier with their gold laden men drowning, he demands all that we return to them. And then they're living new leader, Quattamok. He's tortured for days, ask where the gold is. At one point they boil his feet and oil and then he confesses to dumping a lot of it in the lake. I bet he confessed, boiled in oil. He fights for the release of some citizens, you know, asking that Cortez let them leave the city, which I guess he does agree to, but then thousands of other citizens are slaughtered. All right. No, excuse me. Thousands of those citizens are slaughtered though.

He agrees, but then his allies that selects callus, they're like, I know, we want to fucking dead. And so they just start slaughtering, you know, men, women and children by the thousands to the point that the Spaniards, you know, right in their accounts that it like, it disgusted them. It's like, they're like, Jesus, like we just kicked the shit out of these guys, but you guys that you're taking it too far. Rampant looting takes place in the city on 1522. Holy Roman Emperor Charles V names Cortez after all this Captain general of new Spain. Just two years earlier, he's been tracked down for treason.

Fights his own fights his own countrymen, but now now he he's in charge of the land he's just conquered. Money talks, that's the lesson there man. Money talks, doesn't it? Always has. Money has always made a lot of wrong suddenly seem very right, you know? Just think about that in your life. Somebody, you know, fuck somebody, you know, over big time, and then you're like,

I'm gonna kick the shit out of them, and then you show up and they're like, hey, I got a million dollars for you. Ah, ah, okay. I don't like what you did to Chuck, but, all right. Cortez oversees the construction of a new capital on top of the ruins of Tenochtitlan's slave labor is used to dismantle the Aztec temples, repurpose the stones.

And then 1523 Cortez's named governor of newspaper. February 1525 Cortez accuses Quattamock that the last remaining Aztec ruler of plotting to murder him who knows if it was actually true or not, could have just said that just to get him out out of the way and the empire officially for good and he has him hanged. And he is hanging, he's dead and the empire is now officially over. It's pretty much over before this, but now it's officially over and in February of 1525 we depart from today's time-stock timeline Good job soldier you made it back All right, sorry for the stumbling over some of the words. Man, I looked them up, I practiced them.

But in the end, pretty damn tricky. And sorry if it was a little muddy with some of the dates, I tried to streamline it, the best of my ability and the time allotted, but it's tough because there's so many historical discrepancies, because again, you're kind of patching this together from little accounts here and there,

and they didn't, you know, it was a lot of rumor and hearsay and yeah, a lot of contradicting kind of sources. But that's the gist of it. That is the gist of it. What we've heard, the gist of what we think happened. Cortez took down the Aztec Empire in just a few years, conquered the rest of Mesoamerica and within the next three. Before we leave today, let's elaborate a little bit more on how he was able to do that.

Well, first of all, as you know, he was helped immensely by just happening to fulfill a religious prophecy. That's just, you know, like if you're playing Dungeons and Dragons, that's like, you happen to roll a 20, you know? You weren't supposed to be able to kill the monster. You had to roll a 20 on a 20-sided die and you fucking throw the die out there. You know, there's only a 5% chance. You know, this would be like if he had like a million side of die and he needed a 100,391

and then he rolled it on his first try. So we got very lucky by happening to fulfill the religious prophecy. Rule number one of warfare. If you can have your enemy think you are one of their guts. Their main god if possible. Another huge factor was being able to manipulate other rival tribes and empires to fight against the Aztecs. You know, the Telexcolez,

or is there also called the Telexcolez, made victory possible by supplying Cortez with thousands and thousands of men, and Cortez was able to get them on a side by telling them thousands and thousands of lies. Yeah, no, I'll take care of you. Yeah, for sure. And then not really.

Another factor in the Spaniards' favor was the primitive weaponry and ritualized warfare of the opponents. This is huge. As tech warriors, they had padded cotton armor. They would carry wooden or a reed shield covered in hide. They wielded weapons such as a super sharp, you know, a city and sword club, you know, a spear or a dart thrower, bow and arrows, and those were very effective against, you know, the other people of the Americas, but they were next to useless against Spanish

guns, crossbows, steel swords, long pikes, cannons, and steel armor, huge advantage in weapons, and cavalry, you know, that was another devastating weapon in the hands of the Europeans. The Spanish, you know, they had horses, the Aztecs didn't. You know, they thought the horses were big deer and they had little deer, but they weren't able to ride. So advantage, you know, advantage spaniards. Also certain Aztecs, certain Aztecs for Ditions, they kind of mentioned earlier, helped the Spanish defeat them, such as how Aztec warriors, and oh wait, this is a different one than I'll see the other one.

This is another one that helped the Spaniards. When the Aztec warriors and officers would wear these big costumes, like, you know, spectacularly feathered, you know, animal skin costumes, headdresses to signify their rank, which also made them very easy to find in battle, you know, made them the prime target to dispatch as early as possible. They'd be like, all right, okay, see that guy over there in the out-suit? Do you see him in the leopard suit?

They die first. And so they would kill the commanders early in battle and then the Aztec units without leadership would, you know, devolve into a panic. And then also, this is what I was mentioning, early the Aztecs, you know, they were used to a looser form of battle because their primary objective wasn't to kill, it was to capture.

Their primary objective was to capture some enemy soldiers, take them alive, bring them back to be ritually sacrificed. Their warfare methods were highly ritualized. To please the gods, there was precise moments for starting battle, the ending battle. It was almost like more of a game game the way they would fight battle. They had to follow certain rules. The Spaniards didn't. The Spaniards were like, no man, do what you need to do to fuck these guys up and kill them.

So that just gave them a huge advantage strategically. Sadly, when the war was over, what remained of the Aztec culture was obliterated. Its temples were to face or destroy many of them. Its fine art melted down into coins. And then Christian missionaries, you know, start arriving in mass and burning their writings, getting rid of their teachings, and assimilating, you know, what little survivors remained in the Western culture, or the ones that, you know, that made it to other kind of tribes and little many empires and city states. Those were just, you know, marrying into those cultures,

which would then later also be assimilated into Christianity and Western culture. So, you know, while there are certainly still people alive today who have Aztec genetics, there's no more quote unquote Aztec people. I'm sure there are people who identify Aztec, but there just has not been cultural continuity over the years. The culture, the empire was completely dismantled. And, you know,

and by the way, I know the Aztecs also never called themselves Aztecs. That name was invented by the Spanish. They called themselves Mejica. And again, there are many people living in around Mexico City, for example, that are direct descendants of the Aztecs. But again, you know, it's been a hundred of years since there was any real cultural tie to the Aztecs, but again, you know, it's been a hundred of years since there was any real cultural tie to the Aztecs. So pretty crazy, man. Pretty crazy, you know, they weren't given some kind of reservation or anything. They lost everything.

They lost everything. And that is all I have for today about the Aztecs, except for today's top five takeaways. Time, suck, top five takeaways. Number one, Cortez arrived on the shores of present day Mexico, five, take away. Number one, Cortez arrived on the shores of present day, Mexico February of 1519 at that time, the Aztecs, they're kicking ass, man, they're drinking chocolatey drinks. You know, live in the fancy city with zoos and restaurants and floating gardens, shit, ton of people, we're getting their hearts cut out by insane priests. And then by August of 1521, just a year and a half later, they're done.

Completely destroyed. What a very speedy demise. Almost all of their people dead, and their culture obliterated in a year and a half. Number two, Cortez was an asshole. The Aztecs were happy to give him lots and lots of gold, but it wasn't enough. They even let him be the leader. You know, let him be a living God. Not enough. You had to take everything from them. Number three, the Aztecs religion was super duper fucked up, man. Cutting kids hearts out to make the corn god happy. Drowning other kids to make the water god happy. It's too far, you guys. It's way too far. I'm against it. Number four, the Aztecs for one of many civilizations in Mesoamerica when Cortez showed up and a few years after he did show up all of them are gone. Smallpox plus no immunity to smallpox equals no bueno for locals.

And number five new info, modern historians actually don't believe new info modern historians actually don't believe despite the legend of the Aztecs that Tenochti land the greatest city of Mesoamerica the greatest of Mesoamerican mysteries the Aztec capital was actually built by the Aztecs as they claim Tenochti land translated as the place where men become gods and language of the Aztecs likely found deserted by the Aztecs it was very it was likely that a lot of it was already built and it was found deserted by them and sometime in the 1300s centuries after its abandonment. People now believe, some smart people now believe that Tainache T-Len was likely settled as early as 400 BCE. And it was only around a 100 CE

in an era of robust population growth and increased urbanization of Mesoamerica that the metropolis as we know it with its wide boulevards and monumental pyramids was built. So centuries, century centuries before the Aztec, they think it might have already been there. As many as 200,000 people may have lived there by 400 CE.

That's crazy. So when we talked to the beginning of the episode about how there was just a lot going on in America, just like there was in Europe and Asia Minor and Egypt, et cetera, and ancient times, there may have been even more than we understood before today going on in the Americas. Time, suck, tough, right, take away. Then we understood before today going on in the Americas Alright the Aztec Empire has been sucked Who has a tricky one I'm sweaty. I'm literally sweaty now

You know, it's trying to power through that one get in my mouth monosumma getting my mouth evil corn god get in there dickhead Cortez Hope that was a satisfying suck Yeah, man, it it was a very interesting story for me because I've always, I don't know if it's just maybe everyone in the United States learns about the Aztecs and stuff a little bit as a kid. I don't know if it's more in the West. I remember as a kid, you know, seeing some, some Pueblos and I know this is not Aztec, but you know, it could have been a derivative culture there. Some stone Pueblows in Arizona,

and actually getting to climb inside of them, which is probably illegal, when my dad didn't care about laws like that. And ever since then, been fascinated with, you know, Southwestern, Mesoamerican, South American, ancient cultures, I'm sure some day we'll do it when an Inca suck as well.

And I'm sure some other sucks. And South American, Central America. Not sure who the good in the, you know, South America and Central America. Not sure who the good guy was today's story, man. Man, a lot of bad guys are, I guess, just products of their time, maybe, I don't know, man, crazy times. I just, I can't get over the sacrifice, I just can't get over the disregard

that the Spaniards had for indigenous people. Big thanks to the time suck team, Harmony Vella Camp, Jesse Dobner, Reverend Dr. Josh Crel, Alex Dugan, the Biddle-XR team, beta testing, right now working on improving the app, improving the website, Danger Brain, Eric Radiker, Queen of the Suck Lindsey Cummins, a huge thanks to OG, OGs, excuse me, Bo Jangle's research team member, OG family member Donna Hale. Who knew my tag along little sis would turn out to be good at providing amazing research. She's actually very smart.

No one in the family saw that coming. No, love you Donna. Time sucker private Facebook group that's been getting more and more popular. People seem to really be enjoying that. We talk about a lot in the secret suck. If you want in, I'm going to be providing a link in today's episode description. You just got to answer a question or two about the show that I promise you'll get right if you've listened to more than two episodes.

And then you're in. It's a community where people line up a little kind of meetings, people are meeting each other and play games now from that. People are forming new friendships. There's, I think some relationships that are formed out of that. So, so you get in there. If you wanna get in the private Facebook group, we go dark with the Donner party next week.

Yeah, May of 1846. Wagon train, full of American pioneers with names that will be easier to pronounce than this week. Yes, they had West to start new lives. They follow a new route called Hastings Cutoff, which was supposed to take time off of their four to six-month journey. It didn't. Backfired.

In November, they get stuck in heavy snow, trying to get over the Sierra Nevada mountain range about four months later when a rescue party finally reaches them about half of the 87 travelers are dead. And many of the other living, excuse me, are only alive because they had been eating the dead. So more eating the dead, that wasn't intentional. That's the space-litter voted in topic.

We had human sacrifice and we're in some skin this week. And we have eaten people next week. We got a cannibalism theme for some reason. I don't remember ever having a cannibalism option pop up. And I used to play Oregon Trail as a kid on my Commodore 64. That had been an interesting choice. What if someone could hack that in there? You know, you're getting all of a sudden,

it's like, you know, your wagon train stops like, what'd you like to take a shot? It's fellow traveler. And if you know, like, if you press the space bar and hit them just right, then you get your health increases for eating one of your buddies. Anyway, we're going to explore their journey. And I'm sure what life was like for the average American who took off to make a new life in their frontier of the American West. How do we get over?

How do we get over here? How do we get over to the West back then? I'm excited for it. And I'm excited now for some time soccer updates. A funny update came in this week from Time Sucker, Kevin, and I apologize. I'm probably going to butcher your last name. Guy to Vi, Guy yet, guy to Vi, guy to Vi. G-Y-E-T-V-A-I.

I've never seen that one before. This really cracked me up. So Kevin, Kevin, I got your first name right. Give me credit there. Dear master, Kevin, right? This story should make you laugh, it did. I was listening to your podcast, it worked on Bluetooth headphones.

And I went to grab a box and all of a sudden, it just stopped playing. Thinking I'd lost signal from Bluetooth, I walked back to my station, but it wasn't my signal. The headphones just died. So when I hit play again on full volume out of my phone, everyone around me heard,

I'm gonna have to suck them guys soon too. Suck them so hard, they deserve a good suck. So blank faces and awkward looks right away. I just kind of froze up and I didn't know what to say first. Then I tried to explain it with just a funny podcast. But the rough warehouse crew I work with wasn't having it started in on jokes right away on break. I am never going to hear the end of this.

I am now open to gay jokes till the end of time. Laugh my ass off. You should suck the history of weed from early dividends to the ban in the 30s to now. Thank you, Kevin. Your story didn't make me laugh. Thanks for sending it in. Yeah, the history of weed would be great suck. And yeah, that's, that's a, it just doesn't make sense.

I get it when you try to explain like, no, no, no, it's about history of, no, it's just, it, not as a podcast. Yeah, when you just hear that at a context, it's about history. No, it's just a, it, not as a podcast. Yeah, when you just hear that at a context, it's like, oh, okay, all right, mm-hmm, just come on, dude, come out. It's 2018, you know, we're accepting, you don't have to just listen to all your suckery and private. Another quick, funny one from Shane Bartlett,

that's a very quick one, it cracked me up. Say Shane says, hey, Suck Master, every time I get in the car with my son, who is three, he screams out, time suck. That's adorable. He loves it, and it drives my wife insane. So it's a win-win. Keep on sucking.

Win-win, Shane. Raisin a smart boy who's destined to have a super fucked up sense of humor now. I love it, I love that drives your wife crazy. And now a paranormal update and more from Time Soccer Lewand Kniborg. Lewand says, Hail Nimrod Reverend Dr. Dan. I discovered your podcast when you last visited Tampa and have been binging ever since. I'm a dedicated space lizard and I'm finally catching up.

Oh, thank you. Finally catching up on both the secret suck as well as regular episodes. Buckle up buttercup been saving up a few things Hello, well first you're a much mouth and I'm loving it. Oh, thank God because it stresses me the fuck out I end up laughing in my car while you are saving the drivers around me from my road Ragey tendencies I have an hour drive mostly at under 35 miles per hour on a fucking freeway. And you have become my entertainment and companion. Yes! Next, you asked for paranormal stories and this sticks out.

When my daughter was five or six, these stories always creep me out, get ready for goosebumps. She let me know that, quote, Grandma said it's gonna be okay. Couple things about this. I was stressed and struggling since my hubby traveled a lot of the time, neither my mom or mother-in-law were referred to as grandma.

They are, you know, were Nana and Oma, Dutch for grandma, respectively. When I asked her to describe grandma, she described my grandmother, who had passed on when I was seven, and I had no pictures of her in my house anywhere. Oh shit! Now I got goosebumps. Now the goosebumps are here. I am convinced I am haunted by her. Of course, my daughter and I have her middle name,

so there's a deeper connection, as well as a story for another time. Ooh! Also, I just finished your secret suck episode 14. I think the psychic you're talking about with Michio. Kakku, yeah, mm-hmm, respect it was. Finally, planning on dragging my family to your August show in Tampa would love to see a priestess

of Lucifina Vestal Anti-Virgin T-Shirt Available. We will get some Lucifina stuff here eventually. We're talking about that now. Yeah, it just takes a little bit for this stuff to develop, but yes, thank you. Sorry for the lengthy message. No, no, I'm sorry. I've been saving up Hail Lucifina,

Space Lister and Dedicated Member of the Cult of the Curious Luan. I love saving up Hail Lucifina, space lizard and dedicated member of the cult of the curious Luan. I love the bonding with the Lucifina that a lot of the lady suckers have been doing. Yeah, I like it. I like that we have one of each, two crazy gods. Nimrod and Lucifina, they're both bananas. Thanks to Ann, see you in Tampa.

Last one, an interesting, say, Tannik update from Jonathan Kyle time sucker. Says, dear suck master, the supreme and heraldable jangles and profit of Nimrod, hail Nimrod. I write to you today to give praise for time suck and the amount of knowledge on the weird and curious I've gained and to complain, slash, educate you on my religion. That's fair, that's fair. After listening to the Elisa Lam time suck, you brought up Richard Ramirez and Satanism, and while you were correct in one definition of Satanism, you also discredited another.

That's from practice for centuries, and that would be theistic Satanists, who actually worship Satan and do Satan rituals. Oh, okay. I do apologize for how long this email is, and I hope I'm not taking up too much of your time or annoying you. Nope. I just thought I'd spread light of the plight of every the-

theist-theistical Satanist, excuse me, who are told they're not true satanists because they worship Satan when Anton Levei stole our religion's name and religious symbols. I hope this was enlightening and makes you curious to do some research on one of the most misunderstood religions of the world.

Hail Nimrod and have an amazing day. PSM not one of those nut jobs like Ramirez who murders and rapes animals and people for Satan. My sect has strict rules against that. Well, that's, that's good. Unless it's in self-defense. And I'm assuming you mean just the murder. That'd be weird to rape in self-defense.

But I know you're not. It's a rape in animals self-defense. I didn't want to rape the dog, but the dog was coming for me. And you know, just take out weird. No. And even then it comes with severe punishment. Yes, Johnson. Thank you. That's very interesting.

And you know what? Yes. I and probably most people in our culture do have a tendency to be pretty quickly dismissive a Satanism without knowing anything about it. And I mean, I've made fun of it a lot. And to be totally honest, I do not know much about it. I do know there's various versions the one you're speaking of.

I don't know anything really about it. I guess I always assumed that it was, which is pretty evil. You didn't write really an evil email. So I don't know anything really about it. I guess I always assumed that it was, which is pretty evil. You didn't write really an evil email. So I don't know why. I do want to look into that. I have wanted to do Anton Levei one of these days. And that I feel like a suck on Levei and say,

we just would lead organically into an exploration of the various versions of the religion you speak of. Yes. So one day, we will suck it. Thank you. Everyone for sending in your updates. Sorry, if yours didn't make the show, we get a lot, which I'm so thankful for. And we appreciate the time and effort everyone makes to send them our way. You're wonderful. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. That's all for today, time suckers. Have

a wonderful week. Do not sacrifice any kids to the corn god, even if you're gonna get the sweetest, tastiest, juiciest corn you've ever had. And keep on sucking. Thank you. Oh!