Timesuck with Dan Cummins - BONUS 9 - The Salem Witch Trials

Episode Date: September 15, 2017

So much crazy in one episode. In 1692, the residents of Salem Village became obsessed with the idea that the Devil himself was in their midst and that he was being helped by an army of witches looking to bring down all of New England. A special court was created to bring these witches to justice, and residents were hanged because another resident claimed they saw them doing witch stuff in a dream. A dream!! So nuts and one of my favorite, if not my very favorite, episode of Timesuck so far. Enjoy! Merch - https://badmagicmerch.com/ Want to try out Discord!?! https://discord.gg/tqzH89v Want to join the Cult of the Curious private Facebook Group? Go directly to Facebook and search for "Cult of the Curious" in order to locate whatever current page hasn't been put in FB Jail :) For all merch related questions: https://badmagicmerch.com/pages/contact

Between 1692 and 1693, hundreds of people were accused of practicing witchcraft, the Devil's Magic, and 20 were executed in Salem Village, Massachusetts, right where the present day city of Danvers, Massachusetts now sits. Danvers incidentally would later be the home of a horrible place known as the Danvers Lunatic Asylum, a Kirkbride plan asylum later known as the Danvers Hospital for the criminally insane, inspiration for HP Lovecrafts horror story Arkham sanitarium which in turn inspired Batman's Arkham asylum What a dark history this little area of Massachusetts has and it was at its darkest in the late 17th century when scores of early

Puritan settlers were accused Arrested and put on trial to determine if they were an actual witch. Can you imagine that? That's like not only being accused of being a vampire, but actually putting jail and giving a trial overseen by community leaders to determine if you are in fact something that is impossible to be. And then in some cases, be put to death for crimes you couldn't commit. Being tried for being a witch makes about as much sense as being tried

for raping a unicorn, but it happened and people died. So let's go colonial. Let's go supernatural. Let's get puritanically paranoid right now on Time Suck. Greetings, time suckers. Welcome to this special 900-iTune review Friday bonus edition of the Suck on Dan Cummins. And this is Time Suck. So excited for this episode. Man, it's really exciting. It's one of my favorite topics we've done so far. I had so much fun doing the research.

One of those stories you just can't actually believe happened until you read about it. It's really exciting. It's one of my favorite topics we've done so far. Had so much fun doing the research. One of those stories you just can't actually believe happened until you read about it. It's so surreal. It's gonna be a really fun ride today. Thoughts continue to go on to Florida, Texas, Georgia. Other places where time suckers have been affected by hurricanes, Harvey, and Irma. Hope you all are recovering

and getting through a really nasty couple of weeks. And again, like American Red Cross, it's a good place to donate. On the previous few episodes, episode descriptions, you can find links to donations for both of those hurricanes for victims of both of those hurricanes. Thanks to the time suckers, for getting those new times suck hats in the shop. So happy with how those came out. Also, four different shirts for, you know, also four hats to choose from get stickers with each purchase. Got a really a really proper time sucks store now going at time suck podcast.com.

If you want to come see me live at the Columbus funny bound, Columbus Ohio. I'll have more shows there this weekend, September 15th to 17th. Hollywood, California, improv on October 5th for the first ever live podcast standup show at the Hollywood Improv October 7th with Jimmy Wiseman and James Petter Gallo, the guys from Small Town Murder and crime and sports. He Leeman Portland, Oregon, October 12th to the 14th, part of live and Bellevue just outside Seattle, October 15th, one night only in Seattle, October 15th, bananas comedy club and Hoss Brock Heights, New Jersey, just outside Manhattan, October 20, 21st, more dates coming soon.

New time sucker updates at the end of this episode, a lot of info regarding the possibility that 9.11 may have been an inside job, a theory I perhaps discounted too quickly based on the emails of many of you. So I'm making up for that at the end of this episode. Now, let's get into those Salem witch trials. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

OK, so to understand what happened in colonial Massachusetts in 1692, we have to understand, you know, what the deal was with colonial Massachusetts, just in general. One of the original English settlements, the Massachusetts Bay Colony was settled in 1630 by a group of about a thousand Puritan refugees from England under Governor John Winthrop and Deputy Governor Thomas Dudley. And over the next 10 years, a steady exodus of Puritans headed west from England with about 20,000 immigrating to Massachusetts and neighboring colonies during what was known as the Great Migration of Puritans. And the initial settlement was financed and technically ran by members of the

Massachusetts Bay Company, Fishing and Trading Company, chartered by the British Crown to expand their presence in the New World. And the Puritan leaders carried the company's charter with them to New England, and this action enabled them to govern themselves, and meant that although their company was founded in England, they would not be locally controlled by governors and stockholders in England while they were in the New World. Quickly bending the charter to their own purposes, the Puritans transformed their new company into a religious commonwealth, a theocracy. They wanted to establish an ideal Christian community in their eyes. And this theocracy was established with Winthropist Governor in May 1631.

And the Puritan leaders immediately agreed to recognize only church members as free men, free men being those entitled to vote and hold office. The company's officers became the colony's magistrates, the ministers of the church to find orthodoxy. The colony's magistrates enforced it. The centers were suppressed or banished or worse. So basically this company chartered by, you know, England and in England to settle a new land. Once they got to the new land, formed basically their own separate nation. Instead of a monarchy loyal to the English crown,

it was a theocracy loyal only to God as its members interpreted God, which you'll see was a pretty rigid interpretation. So the Puritans had left England primarily for religious reasons. They were a sect of religious dissidents who felt that the Church of England was too closely associated with the Catholic religion and needed to be reformed and King Charles was not interested in reforming the church in England and was not interested in their, in hearing them talk about reforming it. And the Puritans figured that perhaps in America

they could establish a colony whose government, society, and church were all based upon the Bible as they interpreted it. Puritans, the word Puritans had in fact been a name of ridicule for Christians in England since the end of the 16th century, first used or at least used early during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, the first. They were Christians who wanted the Church of England, as I said, purified of any liturgy, ceremony or practices which were not found in the scripture.

And again, all on their interpretation. The Bible was their soul authority, and with these beliefs, they believed it applied to every area and level of life to Puritans, Anglicanism, you know, which is with the Church of England, too similar to Catholicism, as I stated, the religion that the English Church renounced in 1534. Puritans sought Catholic religious ceremonies exhibited ostentatious or vulgar displays of wealth, stained glass windows, statues and crucifixes were common fixtures in Catholic houses of worship as they are today.

Catholic priests dressed in elaborate vestments or robes, symbolic of their elite status in the Puritan's eyes, and the Puritan's believed that simplistic understated meeting houses were the way to go. That was what was proper. Ministers in Puritans eyes, and the Puritans believed that simplistic, understated meeting houses were the way to go. That was what was proper. Ministers in Puritan New England, you know, they just wore simple black robes. And they believed that salvation was a matter between the individual and God.

They believed that the rigid Catholic hierarchy of pre-specialists, archbishop's popes was superfluous. Puritans always protective of their independence, organized churches on the congregational model in which each individual church held complete autonomy over its members. There was no external authorities to whom they had to answer to. And this structure again, you know, just represented a complete renunciation of the once-dominant Catholic model. And these fuckers were strict in 1641.

When the Puritans first established a proper legal code, the first capital crime was idolatry. Number two, witchcraft. They stated, if any man or woman be a witch, that is, has or consults with a familiar spirit, they shall be put to death. This is a law. This isn't one of their first laws. Read in the Massachusetts body of laws they created. Blasphemy came next, then followed murder,

poisoning and bestiality. Do you hear what I'm saying? And these people's minds, these early Puritan settlers minds, idolatry, witchcraft, and blasphemy, more pressing matters than actual murder. Then somehow poisoning comes up as if being poison was a real and constant threat.

And then rounding out the top six is bestiality. Was that specifically seriously a problem that had to be dealt with? How do they decide all this? Okay, everyone, time to establish some new laws in our new land. We've been waiting far too long to do so. Not sure about you, gentlemen, but myself. I'm sick of the murdering. Murdering is indeed a despicable act, Governor.

But shouldn't we address the idolatry first? Oh, yes, the idolatry. I just, uh, uh, brother John Whittling something the other day and I dare say it looked like it could have been an idol. Perhaps a deer. But perhaps a demon. Yes, of course. Idolatry. That, uh, first order of business. And then like, and then like one guy in the back of the meeting room, just some fucking weird Puritan. Brother, uh, Brother Hezad Jebediah, just starts in with his beastieality talk, like he's the dude always talking about that for centuries. And then, uh, and then animal fornication. The lane was the cattle and the, and the bedding of the horses.

And the, and the rubbing of the thighs of the deer. Oh, okay, brother. Uh, hezad Jebediah. We'll get to all that soon enough. And the rubbing of the thighs of the deer. Oh, okay brother, here's a jibba diet. We'll get to all that soon enough. I think it's time for murder to be addressed. But what about the witchery governor? Do you not care about all the witches and the spells and the potions and the cauldrons

and the broomsticks and such? And the blasphemers with a party talk and a loose seafoak language. Do you not care about the blasphemers governor? Many of the witches are blasphemous and idolaters. And the brother has a jeopardy, he just wants to shut up. And let us not forget about the men laying with the donkeys and the sheep.

The young boys rubbing up with the dogs and so many sweaty, swarthy, vile, horny men rubbing on the goats and the pumping of the goats butt-ucks in a swirling, pulsating rhythm faster with the thrusts and the grunting and the pulsating. That's enough brother, has a jabbertire. First idolatry, then witches, then blasphemy, then murder. But there'll be a reality with not, not then bitch-yality, then poisoning embassy then poisoning then poisoning I don't like poisoning but governor what about the naked wrecked men greasing down the livestock in the candlelit barns and the thrusting and the pushing and the groaning and the locking of both eyes and hips face to furry fit alright brother has a chapatiat enough's enough. After poised he comes beastiality,

my god. And then once I'm really settled into the American colonies, the Puritans were now free from the persecution of the English and were able to focus on new threats. In addition to making up crazy laws, threats like the French colonists, Irish immigrants, Quebec, French colony to the north of New England presented a close military threat from 1688 to 1763, the English would battle the French in a series of continuous wars across the Europe and America. And the French would often employ NATO Americans, and they would battle the colonists constantly throughout the frontier. Fear of the French, who actually were largely Roman Catholic, was so common in Puritan culture

that parents would often scare bad children with tales of horned and devilish Frenchmen that would do them harm at first chance. I thought it was fucking hilarious to me. You be a good boy, young Henry, or Nati Lui will pop up from beneath your bed and force you to eat crepes and wear a parade. Long history of national animosity, color the relationship between Irish Catholics and Puritans. Many English-Saudi Irishes are more or less uncivilized. Beastiality was rampant in Ireland during the 16th and 17th century. Many Puritans were convinced that Irish buggers were constantly fornicating with their cattle, horses sheep,

medium to large-sized dogs, goats, and especially donkeys. Not without good reason, little on fact, the name O Sullivan is actually galaic for donkeyfucker. So if you take one thing away from the show, let it not be that, because I made that stuff up about the Irish. They didn't like him now. There was no Irish animal sex connection,

but Massachusetts Puritans really didn't care for Irish Catholics. In general, Puritans didn't care for any Catholics. One common justification for this explicit prejudice was the 1605 gunpowder plot in which Catholics attempted to bomb the English king and other dignitaries. Another justification for Puritans hating Catholics was that they were Catholics and they didn't agree with Puritans. You'll find out that the Puritans just hated everyone who didn't agree with them.

The Catholic Church was to Puritans a sight of evil that performed the devil's work. Catholic priests supposedly possessed supernatural powers in the Puritan's minds. Many considered the Pope the head of the Catholic Church to be the anti-Christ himself, the personification of evil, known for their independent interpretations of the Christian Bible, Puritan's Catholic Vatican City,

home of Catholicism as in the role of Babylon, the city that symbolizes evil and destruction in the last parts of the New Testament. And the addition of hate Catholics, as I was saying, basically Puritans feared and hated everyone who didn't agree with them, wasn't also Puritan. And as we'll see during the witch trials, they also hated many other Puritans. They were a fucking hateful, horrible people. Check out this excerpt from a book called Politics and Religion in the United States.

It says, at first, Quaker missionaries who came to Massachusetts to spread their views were simply banished, and again, banished by the Puritans. However, as Quakers kept coming, harsher punishments were introduced for them, such as cutting off their ears, or boring a hole in their tongues with a hot iron, and then managing them. When even this didn't stop Quaker, missionary activity in Massachusetts, the death penalty was added between 1659 and 1661, four Quakers were put to death by the Puritans, basically for being Quakers. one, four Quakers were put to death by the Puritans, basically for being Quakers. Period to the persecution will become a rampant, but then in 1661 King Charles II intervened and prohibited any more corporal punishment of Quakers.

What is wrong with these people? Geez. Listen Quaker, we warned you to never come here and discuss another possible interpretation of our shared gospel of love and forgiveness. So I'm gonna cut your fucking ears off and put a hole for your tongue. And if you or anyone else like you ever comes back here again and doesn't agree with me explicitly, you will be dead. You're fucking dead in Jesus Christ. Name amen. Side note, Puritanism no longer exists. Thank God.

It morphed into other denominations, such as Unitarianism and Universalism, which is pretty ironic, because those are very liberal Christian denominations. They don't share much of anything with the original Puritan take on the Bible. How pissed would those early Puritans be if they knew that their faith evolved into a branch of Christianity, Unitarianism? So liberal, it doesn't even believe Jesus is the son of God. Oh boy, maybe punchin' holes and tongues

and choppin' ears off left and right, so much eer-choppin' and whole punchin'. Or, Rissabi tired from all the tongue punchin'. I'm sure they believe that Quakers are just some more minions of Lucifer. Just damn you B. L. S. I. B. U.B. sending me your imps and your demons and your Catholics and your French people

and your Irish people and your Quakers and everyone else I haven't met yet that I'd like to tongue punch in eachop So in early Massachusetts you have a population of Uber religious people Who feel persecuted people clearly capable of lashing out violently against anyone who doesn't agree with them just explicitly People who have complete control of their church and their government, people who are very concerned about the devil and the devil's servants, which is specifically casting their devil spells and shit. I don't know what these witches were supposedly casting spells about in colonial Massachusetts. Maybe they'd have slightly tastier porridge to eat.

I don't think anybody was just killing it compared to today's lifestyle back then, or maybe they'd have, you know, slightly less uncomfortable boots to wear. Just some ala, peanut, patas, sandwich, I want a little more soul in my boot. So I don't get as many blisters in my shitty colonial life. I don't know. I'm sure my hair tick asked what have been put to death immediately back then. Also, should be noted that Puritans weren't the only people afraid of witches, to be fair to them. A lot of witch fear going on, like for hundreds of years prior to this in medieval Europe, most Christians and frankly most people of other religions as well had a strong belief that the

devil could give certain people known as witches, the power to harm others in return for their loyalty. And there was a witchcraft craze rippling through Europe from the 1300 to the end of the 1600s. Every decade or so, a bunch more witches would be fucking burned or hanged. Tens of thousands of supposed witches, mostly but not all women were executed. Pretty tragic, considering 100% of them were innocent of being witches, since that's nonsense. Tens of thousands of witches killed in not a single broom actually ran into the sky. And witches had been killed in Massachusetts before, 50 years before by the Puritans before the Salem Witch

trials in 1648, the Massachusetts Bay colony tried and executed an accused witch for the first time. The accused was a midwife named Margaret Jones from Charlestown and she was hanged at Gallows Hill in Boston after she was accused by some of her patients, a being a witch. According to then-Governor Winthrop's Journal, Jones was accused in 1648 by some of her patients who stated that she told them they would never heal if they refused to take her medicine. And then when her patients illnesses and injuries didn't heal, many began to suspect Jones of witchcraft, leading to her accusation in the spring of 1640,

for fuck's sake, unbelievable. She told these dumb, superstitious, paranoid bastards to take medicine to feel better, which was her job to do. And then they refused, and when they didn't feel better, they accused her of witchcraft, and they killed her. What a terrifying time to live in, if you had half a brain.

You cannot reason with somebody that preposterously dumb. You talk me, talk my medicine to get better. I didn't take it, I'm still sick. Yeah, that's how medicine works. Doesn't help you if you don't take it. That sounds like something a witch would say. What? No, that's how everything works.

You know, like if you're thirsty, you drink water to not be thirsty, right? Yeah, maybe guess so. Yeah, yeah, maybe guess so. And if you're sick, you take medicine to feel better, right? That's what, or witch, or doesn't go to witch talk. We got witch, burn to witch, hang on the witch, hang the witch. Idiots.

Some of these people, these morons killed, were probably just glad to die on some level. Just like they wouldn't have to live around these bastards anymore. At, okay, adding to the average Salem-based Puritans mindset of anxiety and paranoia and persecution before the Salem Witch trials began, was King Williams' war launched when English rulers William and Mary started a war with France in the American colonies in 1689. So, a few years before the trials, King William's War, also known as the Second Indian War, also known as the First Intercolonial War, also known as the Second Third War of the First Fourth 5th century.

I just made up that last name, because it seemed like there were too many names and a lot of them were done. King William's War was waged for control of the American colonies, where the French were vastly outnumbered, about 12 to 1. But the French had a higher percentage of settlers with military experience, and they used that experience to make deals with local Native American tribes. Had these tribes attacked English settlers, some of these tribes would attack the Puritans, which added to their devil fear because they saw the Native Americans as just devil-crazed heathens. The war ravaged regions of upstate New York, Nova Scotia Quebec sending refugees into the

county of Essex and specifically Salem Village in the Massachusetts Bay colony. So now they have some of those damn devil's dick-stroken Catholics in their midst. That's an exact quote by the way. Colony governor William Fips was apparently quite fond of saying things here in Massachusetts were perfect. But then those devil's dick dick, stroke, and catholics showed up and ruined everything. Now he was a fun saying that, I'm fond of saying that,

but yeah, so now they're even more tense, you know, because there's already a course on people that don't get along well with each other. And now they got, you know, kind of like refugees hanging out making things more stressful. These newly displaced people, you know, put a strain on Salem village's limited resources, the strain aggravated the existing rivalry between families with ties to the

wealth of the port of Salem and those who depended on agriculture for their wealth. You know, whose job was it to feed these new colonists? Tensions ran high, stupidity ran higher. Superstition max levels. Controversy also was brewing regarding Reverend Samuel Paris, who became Salem village's first ordained minister in 1689. Paris was disliked by many of the villagers because of his rigid ways and allegedly greedy nature. There was a lot of gossiping, a lot of infighting in Salem Village.

Puritan villagers believed all this quarland and tension was the work of the devil. You'll soon realize that Puritan's basically blamed everything on the work of the devil. Also, it should be noted that the Puritans of Salem Village had been in especially Coral Some Paranoid Lot, even for Puritans, they were known. Like this village in particular, even by the standards of other Puritans,

they were seen as a little crazy. Like Salem Village was known for a constant variety of internal disputes, for disputes between the village and Salem town, present day Salem as users, arguments about property lines, were fierce grazing rights, church privileges, neighboring Puritans, you know, like from Salem town, consider the population of Salem village

to be especially Coral Sum. Their history with ministers illustrated how Coral Sum they could be. In 1672, the villagers had voted to hire a minister of their own for the first time apart from Salem town. And then the first two ministers, James Bailey, 1673 to 1679 and George Burrow, 1680 to 1683, stages a few years each and both departed after the congregation failed to pay them their full rate. So these people are just, you know, they're not a nice people. The third minister,

are just, you know, they're not a nice people. The third minister, deodat Lawson stayed for a short time, just 1684, 1688. He left when the Church in Salem Village refused to ordain him. You know, didn't find him godly enough. The parish disagreed about Salem Village's choice of Samuel Paris as its first ordained minister. On June 1889, the villagers overall did agree to hire him or dainty him for 66 pounds annually one third part in money, the other two third parts in provisions and the use of a parsnage, and then again after agreeing to this many still just didn't like the guy. So they've been hot and cold on whoever happens to be the town minister for good 20 years before the witch trials even break out, which again just kind of points to these people,

just being an especially argue minute and it sounds like a kind of like vindictive bunch, right? They're just, they're not fucking happy with anything. They hate everybody. They're not happy with anything. It sounds like a terrible place to live. You know, and then you get these refugees coming in from these other colonies to add to the tension. And it's just a bad kind of social vibe going on, especially bad. And then in 1692, a couple kids come down with a strange illness and all hell breaks loose in this already tense town. So let's examine just how much hell breaks loose,

just exactly how loose it gets, with a little time-side timeline of the Salem Witch Trials. Shrap on those boots, soldier. We're marching down a time, some time line. themselves in distrained positions. And a local doctor blames a supernatural because in 1692, doctors were superstitious morons, by and large, with little to no understanding of science. Think about crazy that diagnosis is, right? You'd be diagnosed with like supernatural disease. Honey, what did the doctor say was wrong with you? Where else? Stella, I'm afraid I have a demon. Yep, I cut me a case of Satan. Don't worry, he says he can probably beat it out of me,

or perhaps bleed it from my body. Another girl, and Putnam, age 11, experienced similar episodes. Now the demon is diagnosed on February 29, 1692 under pressure from local magistrates. Jonathan Corwin and John Hawthorne, the girls blame three women for afflicting them with witchcraft.

Tituba, the parrots' Caribbean slave, Sarah Good, a homeless beggar, and Sarah Osborne, an elderly, impoverished woman. Funny how this is the witch has just happened to be people who don't sound like they can really defend themselves. A slave, a homeless beggar, and poor defenses old woman. Why are you girls sick? Well, we're not sure, but we know that that homeless lady over there is weird. She probably had something to do with it. And the old woman across the street who we don't like and never plays with this creepy old mis-ass, I think she had something to do with it. And our slave is easy to blame. We like to blame her for things. So let's do that again. Of the three women who were the first accused

of the Salem witch trials, only to tuba, the first witch to confess, would actually make it out of these trials alive. March 1, 1692, all three of the women are brought before local magistrates, accused of being witches, interrogated for several days, again, starting on March 1. Osborne claims innocence as does good,

but to tuba strangely confesses. She said that the devil came to me and bit me serve him. Then she described elaborate images of black dogs, red cats, yellow birds, and a black man who wanted her to sign his book. She admitted that she did sign the book. Instead, there were several other witches looking to destroy the Puritans. And so all three women were put in jail. Guessing to tuba was coerced or at least asked strongly leading questions to say that. I don't think she came up with that just voluntarily. And now the witch hunt is on again, actually, four years earlier, before the witch trials

in 1688, four exemplary Boston children, the sons and daughters of a devout Boston stone layer named John Goodwin suffered from this strange baffling disorder. They would bark that these girls were suffering from now. They would bark at one another like dogs, per like so many cats, wrote socially and politically influential minister, Cotton Mather, who observed Goodwin's family and wrote of their afflictions in memorable providences relating to witchcraft and possessions the following year. Cotton claimed to the Goodwin kids flew around like geese. On one occasion, one of the kids flew for 20 feet. They recoiled from blows of invisible sticks.

They shrieked that they were sliced by knives, a wrapped in chains, jaws, wrists, necks, flew out of joint. To observe their sentence more closely, Mother, that summer took Martha goodwin into his home, where she cantor trotted and galloped about the household on her aerial steed She whistled through the family prayer. How dare she whistle? She pummeled anyone who attempted the family prayer in her presence the worst house guest ever She hurled books he cotton's head she read and re-read his past on her case in a mocking vocal tone

Well the case of Martha's afflictions was identified soon enough by the great cotton mathers by this local genius. She was a victim of witchcraft, plain and simple. And the culprit was a defense as a woman here by do you see a pattern here on the stand. This defendant was unable to adequately recite the Lord's prayer. And that was proof of her guilt. She didn't know one of these prayers, you know, by heart. So, you know, there you go. She's a witch. And then this good wife, Goody and Glover was hanged on November 16th, 1688 on Boston Common, actually the last witch

to be hanged in Boston proper. But things just getting started and say, let me just get heated up on the witch front. I'm gonna go out on the limb and say that old cotton made up a lot of that shit, especially about the girl flying for 20 feet and riding around on an invisible horse. I mean, this dude made his money as a religious author and sensationalism, you know, always sells well in the literary world.

You know, and who cares if an old woman or two gets killed along the way, making some of those bookbucks, I guess. And then these people, you know, were accusing these women of being witches now in Salem. And I started wondering like, what exactly do they think of which was? So I looked it up. It's unbelievable. This episode, it's just a non-stop train of what the fuck? These people thought witches signed an agreement with an actual devil written in blood.

And then they bore some mark of the devil on their body as proof. I was wondering about that with the trials. It didn't speak to their their their devil marks, but you think if they really did bear a devil's mark, it would be easily identifiable. And then they wouldn't have one. And they'd be like, well, I guess we're wrong. But nope. Anyway, they thought these witches enchanted by way of charms, ointments, poppits, poppits being little kind of voodoo type dolls. I do have to say being into puppets, little dolls, that does seem a little devil-like. You know, like if I knew the old lady

who lives next door was way into puppets, or even puppets, you know, puppets cousin. Kids are not going over there anymore. I'm not going over there anymore, creepy to me. What else did witches do? Well, you know, they walked on their hands, that's how you could identify them, you know, walking upside down the way Satan intended, the devil way of carneys and Eastern European gymnasts.

Which has made pregnancy at last for three years or anywhere else ever for three? No But still these legends persist which is also stole not only babies But penises damn those penis stealing witches Again, seriously penises did some local Puritans end up getting their wang stolen now they didn't I googled that and Nothing came up pertaining to Salem I did find a vice article about a medieval belief that witches stole penises and not only stole them, they kept them as pets, like little winners

that would end up having wings or fucking legs and just the human imagination. It's a powerful thing. Massachusetts witches also disordered barns and kitchens. I love that. What a drop in like outrageousness compared to penis stealing. Why is this born in disorder? Damn you witches.

First you make a mess of my kitchen. First you steal my dick. And now you leave my barn slightly disheveled. When will the evilness end? Which is they divine the contents of unopened letters survived falls down stairs. That's an interesting one. Tipped hay from wagons, enchanted beer, caused cattle to leap four feet off the ground,

not two feet, not ten feet. Now that's a, that's a, that's a wizard's work. Four feet, that's in the, that's in the witch zone. Uh, again, I love surviving a, a stair fall as proof of being a witch. How was that ever tested? That sounds horrific. I tell you, my wife is a witch.

Parked of the devil's own covenant. I've thrown the evil hag down the stairs, down the stairs a good dozen times, hard of and hard of each time, and yet she still lives by the power of Satan. One Massachusetts witch was hanged in 1586 for having more wit than her neighbors. That's a quote more wit. She's too smart. It's not natural. This is the devil's work Satan's hallet with a quick mind and have fine vocabulary Pastors like cotton mather not only knew what these witches did. They also knew about the witches master Satan the great deceiver Math or knew that he appeared in New England as a high receiver. Math or knew that he appeared in New England as a hybrid monkey, a man, a rooster, and even a fast-moving turtle. Well, fast-moving turtle. I just love it. I guess there's anything

that seems out of the ordinary. They just go straight devil, right? Anything that they hear of that might be weird. That's a peculiarly big ear of corn. Do not pick it. Do not eat it. That's the devil's corn! What an odd-looking slug, that's no slug. That satan himself oozing his hell slime over your doorstep. Don't squish it, don't squish the devil. You squish it and we're liable to be attacked by a new form of creature, a three-yeared muskrat perhaps. Maybe a seven-fingered raccoon damn that devil in a strange beastways. Okay, so back to witch trials. May 1692, the number of girls determined by locals to be enchanted somehow by witches has now risen from three to 12. And they started to claim to be enchanted by people

they've never even met. You know, it's almost as if things are becoming like a witch hunt. Easy to see where the origin that phrase comes from. Maryam, the webster, defines witch hunt, by the way, as the searching out and deliberate harassment of those, such as political opponents with unpopular views. Don't like some old woman across the street, you know? Well, talk some kids into blaming her and her for being a witch. Tavern lady, piss you off at her night,

witch can't get the church to grant you to divorce from your wife. Well, you may not be able to divorce her, but in good old Salem village, you can have her killed for being a witch. She can be hanged next best thing to a divorce, I guess. May 10th, 1692 on May 10th, elderly woman Sarah Osborne dies in prison,

where she's been held for being a witch. Maybe she died in natural causes, you know, possible, probably a combination of poor treatment and malnourishment. I don't know, maybe she ran out of witch mojo, you know, she didn't have any access to I have new or toe of frog or wool of bat in her prison. May 27th, uh, 1692, the new Massachusetts governor, sir, William Fipps establishes a special court to try these witchcraft cases. He's sick of it. He's sick of all the witchery. He

assembles on the bench, nine of the of the people with the best prudence that could be pitched upon. And it's had he installs his lieutenant governor, 60-year-old William Staten, a man who possessed one of the best legal minds in the colony in this guy's mind. And I'm not sure how much that really says. He has one of the finest minds in the colony, which is why he has agreed us, agreed to help us determine who's working with the devil and who's just someone we think is annoying or creepy. Only the best of the best for the witch trial.

June 10th, 1692, the court met in early June and sentenced the first witch to be hanged on June 10th. The first witch was to be Bridget Bishop. Bridget was a widow who ran a tavern out of her home where patrons were allowed to play shuffleboard the devil's game. That's how you know someone is under the guidance of the dark lord. Are you fond of shuffleboard? Did you get a little help on your shot from your invisible dark lord? Bridget was a mother of two that had and married three times evil. When her second husband died, she was actually put on trial for bewitching him to death. So this wasn't her first go-around

with crazy accusations. How do you not get back on a ship to England after being accused of bewitching your husband's death? I want to just try your luck out in the woods with natives. I don't understand the word this tribe says, but I haven't been taken to trial for bewitching someone, so you know, not bad here. I'm guessing things are probably just a whack-doodle with the natives, or also back in England. How can humans man scary animals aren't they? Sometimes, following Bridget's insane execution, she was also known to be gossipy and promiscuous prior to her trial.

So you know, these guys had it out for, right? They were looking to kill her long before the, before the witch, witch trial craze got going. During the next few days, 12 ministers conferred and then Reverend Cotton Mather drafted their reply. An eight paragraph document delivered mid-month acknowledging the enormity of their crisis. He urged exquisite cautions. So now they killed one witch. He's like, we got to be a little more cautious now. There's a lot of witch accusations going around You know, we don't we don't want to blemish those of formerly an unblemished reputation However, he also advised a speedy and vigorous prosecution so he gave a bit of a mixed message You know, it's very much like let's be careful with all his witchcraft. All right. We just killed somebody a slow it down

But also if we suspect them of being a witch, let's speed it up. Let's let's kill them immediately June 16, 1692 the second death as part of the witch trials occurs, when another suspected witch, Roger tooth the car dies in prison awaiting trial. So not just women, old Roger was a farmer and a folklore had witch written all over him. You like growing things and healing things. Okay, which what else are you into? Massage, listening, good, sending thank you gifts. You fucking witch.

Actually, toothacheer claimed to specialize in detecting and punishing witches himself previous to this trial. For several years before the Salem witch trials began in 1692, toothacheer, toothacheer, toothacheer, we're name, it's like tooth with AKER, tooth hacker, tooth hacker, fucking whatever, which, that's all I hear is which. Tuthaker have reportedly brag to locals

that he had taught his daughter Martha, his witch find and trade, and that she had actually killed a witch. So you know what, I actually don't feel too sorry for this victim, you know, live by the witch, die by the witch, okay? And the trials continue. June 30th, 1692, from June 30th through early July, grand juries endorsed indictments again,

Sarah Good, Elizabeth Howe, Susanna Martin, Elizabeth Proctor, John Proctor, Martha Carrier, Sarah Wilde, Dorcas Hor, Sarah Good, Elizabeth Howe, Susanna Martin, Sarah Wilde, along with Rebecca Nurse went to trial also at this time, where they were found guilty. And then all five women were executed by hanging on July 19, 1692. And then there's the case of Anne Foster and Midgely. Two girls from Salem Village and Putnam and Mary Walcott had been afflicted with a fever. The baffled local, uneducated, and chronically clueless and superstitious doctors, unable to be cured medically, the girls were taken to and over to seek out a witch

That must be behind their sickness and then they fell into fits at the very sight of an foster case closed next witch You all sought the sick girls acted more sick when they saw Ann. So let's hang her already. Let's go on to the next witch Poor Ann was a 72 year old widow whose husband had passed away seven years prior. She was immediately taken to prison and interrogated. After it first denied, all involvement in sorcery, much like a rational not witch person does, she eventually confesses.

Again, I have to believe all these confessions were made under extreme duress. Just sick men screaming at this poor old grandma, either pride not feeding her well, or feeding her at all, making her sleep into some stuff he prisoned sale and the human sale of summer, right? Question her hour after hour, undoubtedly confusing her with all the fucking gibberish talk. Eventually she was probably just delirious, you know, fatigue, stress, and then she just starts to tell a story. A crazy story. They

obviously so badly wanted to hear. She tells the interrogators that the devil had appeared to her as an exotic bird. He promised prosperity along with the gift of a flicking at a glance. Seriously, you can afflict at a glance with a, why are you fucking afflicted? Afflict these two dudes or three dudes or ten dudes talking to you right now.

She said she would be which several children and a hog. I like that detail. She also would be which to hog. I turned that hog into Satan's bacon. And anyone who eat from Satan's bacon flesh would do the devil's bidding. She worked her sorcery with her poppits, her little sorcery dolls, her little puppet poppits. She said to her neighbor, Martha Carrier, also in bed with the devil. And actually spoke to the devil more than she did. I love how it's like, yeah, okay,

I was talking to the devil, but not as much as my neighbor. Martha was like, wait into the devil. I was like, like, casually into the devil. Martha was like, fuck, devil this and devil that and devil, oh, just shut up already with your devil talk. She said that Martha had announced a devil's Sabbath in May, arranging their trip by air. The two of them flew to this meeting by broomstick.

Oh, it's so dumb. There were 25 people at this devil meeting in a meadow, including a former Salem Village Minister who officiated some devil's ritual. She disifies all of this in court and the court eats it up. Just picture this nonsense. A bunch of dudes in those white silly wigs, you know, like you've seen the pictures of, fucking old men and white, old white men, just stone faced and silly wigs listening to this horse shit and being convinced of his

truth. God, I'm so glad I don't live back in time. What a bunch of assholes. Just think about how much of a dip shit you'd have to be to not think it's ridiculous to put on a silly white-haired wig to judge a trial. You're deciding if people live or die and you're thinking you're a wig to help you make that decision. This poor woman, she's rambling on, making up what she thinks he's dudes wanna hear.

They're just lapping it up. Oh, oh, dear. Oh, my Lord protect us. But Wily devil Satan's meeting in a meadow. I cannot hear. I cannot bear to hear any more today. I must dwell upon what you've witnessed. I must, I must repow to my wig for further clarity. I'm left to get in some clarity, the court felt that Anne was still holding back. Right? She told him a lot of stuff, but she was hiding something. And so they got another witch to fill in the details. A newly arrested suspect, 40-year-old Martha Mary Lacey, told the court more about the

meeting until I-20th. According to Lacey Foster, had withheld the details of a chilling ceremony, the devil himself had baptized his recruits, dipping their heads in water six at the time. He performed the sacrament in a nearby river to which he carried lacy in his arms, six at a time, probably did it six times. Damn devil in his love of sixes.

Everyone knows if you say six, six, six, six times, or six hundred and sixty-six times, a portrait of hell will be ripped open in the flat earth Hail him rot, okay, and then and lie the I guess and lied about more shit, you know fucking liar and It wasn't just herner neighbor Martha flying to that meadow. No, there was a third witch flying behind him nice try and You a wily can be caniving hag Thought you could hide the third witch from us. Now, you're not getting past anything past these wigs. Not today.

Uh-huh. Look at my, look at my, you look at my wig. Look at my white wig. You see if you can get something past it. And guess who Mary Lacey is, by the way, and Foster's own daughter, dun, dun, dun, dun. The court then asked Anne, how could she not know her own daughter was a witch?

And Anne swore that she didn't know, but then Mary swore that she did know. And she berated her elderly mother and court and threw her under the bus saying, we have forsaken Jesus Christ and the devil hath got hold of us. How shall we get clear of this evil one? Man, what hysteria?

The court actually has these people believing their witches and turning families against each other, man, mother against daughter daughter against mother. And then things go from bad to worse for this family. Lacey's 17 year old daughter Mary Lacey Jr. and grand daughters brought into the mix. She's accused me in which and then to prove that she's not Lacey Jr. She's asked to smile at a court witness. 20-year-old Mary Warren, who'd have been fits and been blaming witchcraft for her fits. Mary Warren was a servant of John Proctor, local farmer, tavern keeper, who'd also be accused

of witchcraft. Lacey Jr. was asked to smile at Mary without harming her. This is what they would do in court. And she couldn't do it. Couldn't do it, guys. She could smile at Mary, but then in a second, she would smile at her. Mary would fall to the floor and start faking stuff.

I mean having fits. She's a witch, case closed, next witch. Whole family's in bed with Satan. The justices then remind Mary Lacey Jr. that if she desires to be saved by Christ, she would confess to all of her witchcraft. She then proceeded, the court reported, noted to do this and verified everything

the court had already heard and more further confessions. Finally, all three generations of his family are brought in together. Mary Lacey Sr. when asked her, when after her mom, she goes after her mom again saying, oh, grandmother, home mother, sorry. Why did you give me to the devil?

Why did you persuade me? Why did you not deny it? You have been a very bad woman in your time. Oh, I'm sorry, that was the granddaughter. All these fucking people accused of the same shit. I get confused. That was the granddaughter, just saying that about her grandma, even sadder.

End of July 1692, but the end of July, after the testimony of Anfoster, her daughter Mary, and great, I'm sorry, and granddaughter Mary Jr., the fucking two Mary's, I hate it when people, it's like my family, it's like my dad, my name is also Dan. Couldn't you think of a different name? Make it easier when somebody calls to ask for Dan Cummins

and we're like, which one? Anyway, by the end of July, okay, after the testimony of Anfoster, her daughter Mary and granddaughter Mary Jr. Salem Village worked the fuck off about witches, especially the whole meeting with the devil and a meadow talk, man. This really, it's this meeting talk that leads to the really the the the meet of the whole Salem witch trial. It's what got so many other people thrown in thrown in jail and killed.

If you want to work up some Puritans, man, I'll tell you exactly how you do it. You talk about a secret meeting in a meadow with the devil. You talk about an evil minister baptizing locals into spiritually joining the great bellows above. Tricking townsfolk and deserving the Prince of Darkness. Nothing gives a Puritan a harder devil boner than talk of a secret which forest meeting with the devil. Devil boner, man. That is the name for a punk band, should be.

Okay, so it's clear to the court that with the help of the help of a minister mastermind, the devil was intending to topple their church and subvert their new country, something he had never attempt to be foreign to England. Damn that devil. And just as soon as the fine, fun, loving Puritans, it set up a nice town, full of quaker, earcutting and whole punchin' or tongue hole punchin' and hangin' a nice village full of constant bickering and wildly irresponsible accusations in which Jalen and more hangin' in adorable little burgl of never-ending fear and paranoia and religious suppression where your chest is tied all the time and you fall asleep every night, wondering if the insanity will be

pointed at you tomorrow and you'll be, you'll be the one hanged just as soon as they had this tranquil utopia built, the devil comes along to ruin it. Paranoia tension reached new heights in the village, you know? Everyone's looking for the next witch now. Everyone's looking for, you know, attendees of this meeting in the meadow to attack the reputation of someone already accused of being a witch, you know, could get you accused of being a witch.

You had to be careful about that. You know, if you visit, you're already in prison spouss or child or parent too regularly, you know, you get an accused of being a witch. You had to be careful about that. You know, if you visited, you're already in prison spousal, so child or parent too regularly, you know, that risk, you get an accused of being a witch and thrown in jail yourself. Question the motives of the court, oh, your witch. Question the validity of witchcraft in general for sure a witch.

Question a complete and utter lack of actual evidence for anyone actually being accused of being a witch. Well, you fucking might as well hang yourself, right? The skeptic was a marked man. There was enormous social pressure to accuse someone else of being a witch, but you fucking might as well hang yourself. The skeptic was a marked man. There was enormous social pressure to accuse someone else to be in a witch, right? Cue them before they accused you. That was the safest way to not get hanged

was to accuse someone of being a witch, to act like you had these symptoms. You act like you were afflicted of symptoms, right? So there's enormous pressure to fake being the victim of witchcraft. Increasingly, you're sleeping under the same roof. If not the same bed as your accuser, children are turned against parents, husband against wives, the residents of Salem Village in 1692, lived under the daily tension of knowing one wrong

move, because sending to the hangman's gallows, you know, actually it was worse than that. You could do nothing and be sentenced to death because of someone else's wild accusations. And fun times. Early August 1692, the court meets again. Three men are convicted of witchcraft, George Jacobs, and elderly farmer, John Willard, another farmer, and John Proctor, a farmer and tavern owner. We mentioned him earlier. He's already been held. He's also a man by the way who was played by Daniel Day Lewis in the film adaptation of Arthur Miller's play based on the Salem Witch Trials, the Crucible, adaptation of Arthur Miller's play based on the Salem Witch Trials, The Crucible, which was actually a play also about McCarthyism, which I'm sure do at some point here on the

sec. Anyway, during this trial, there's a break in the case, right? In this new trial, to get a break, Reverend Cotton Mather tells his congregation right after recently hanging five witches, which brought their death told the seven, count the woman who died in prison, the newly accused witches, confessing to them now, told them who the evil reverend was, and that forced me to finally, they fucking found the witch leader.

The demonic mastermind behind all the evil in Salem Village was a minister in his early 40s. You've already heard about named George Burroughs, one of those men who formerly preached in Salem Village, one of those men who didn't get paid by the village, one of those men didn't stick around, because he didn't like it and they didn't like him. So, you know, he was bound to be accused, you know. So it turns out they were right not to pay him, you know. He was the devil's preacher, after all. So let's talk about George Burrows. This is

beyond Wacadoodle. Reverend George Burrows had grown up in Maryland, graduated from Harvard in 1670, same school. Current Salem Village Reverend Samuel Paris had attended. He was in his late 20s when he first spent those three contentious years in Salem Village. Burrows' specter had been terrifying Salem Villagers since April when he first choked one of Reverend Paris' daughters. I say he didn't do anything. He wasn't even in town. At this point during the trials, up until this point, and for a little while longer, the

court would allow what they called spectral evidence to be admitted. And this is at the core of the Salem Witch Childs. This is how all these people were found guilty. They were convicted using spectral evidence. Spectral evidence is defined as witness testimony that the accused person's spirit or spectral shape appeared to the witness in a dream at the time the accused person's physical body was somewhere else How insane is that? There are resting and convicting and killing people based on spectral evidence. Yeah, it's Reverend Burrell's

I do believe you were at home in bed miles away when the girl was choked. Your out of my check out. Let the court be clear. No one is disputing where your physical body was. But do you have an out of my for your soul? Where was your spirit? That's what I thought.

You have an out of my for you, but not for ghost you. And ghost you was choking this poor girl. Not only did Reverend Burrow's specter nearly tear the poor girl to pieces, he bracked that he outranked a wizard. Uh huh. He was a conjurer. Days later, he introduced himself with these very same credentials to Paris's niece, whom he also bewitched. He bracked the girls that he had murdered several women and he had worked as a secret agent, and the employee of the French and the Indians. Two groups of people, the Puritans despised and

feared, and he killed a number of frontier soldiers as well. He also told the girls his secret plan, that instead of teaching children to fear God, he had now come to persuade poor creatures to give their souls to the devil. It was he who presided over the satanic Sabbaths in the meadow that night. I love how cartoonishly dumb all this is. I mean, it's terrible what happened, you know, but tragedy plus time equals comedy, doesn't it? If he'd, in fact, appeared as a spirit, why would he reveal his entire plan to these girls? Like, that makes zero sense that's so preposterous. that would never happen. Even if all the witch and devil stuff was true that would fucking never happen.

Who- who- hello stupid girl. I'm gonna choke you a bit right now but I'm also going to let you live. Yes. I'm going to let you live after I've identified myself as the monster behind everyone's fear, yes. What do you think of that I'm going to incriminate myself several times over? Shortly after locals have been hanged for less than I'm admitting to. Ha ha ha! How do you like that?

I'm going to confess my entire devil plan, and then I'm going to let you live, which greatly reduces the chances that my plan will work. Why? Well, because I'm a conjurer. And that is what conjurers do. They have stupid plans that they ruin for them. That fucking is ridiculous. Sixteen people ended up giving evidence at Burles preliminary hearing nearly twice at many testified at the trial. Eight confessed witches revealed that he had in fact been promised a kingship and say,

in Satan's reign, the girls delivered up their own reports with difficulty, falling into testimony, stopping transes, yelpying that burrows bit them. They would display their wounds for court officials who inspected the minister's mouth. The imprints matched perfectly. No, they fucking didn't. none of this happened. Choking and thrashing, installed the proceedings, the court could do nothing but wait for the girls to recover. Man, the melodrama, during one delay,

Chief Justice Estaten appealed to the defendant, what he asked did Burrows think he had, oh, what he asked did Burrows think had throttle these girls? And the minister replied that he assumed it was also the devil. And I guess he said, how comes the devil then to be so loathed to have any testimony born against you? Staten, this is what Staten said to burrows to challenge him. A brain teaser of a question that left burrows without an answer in the court.

So the other sandwich just happened, it's a little muddy there, the way I explained it. So all the testimonies given and then the judge or, you know, Staten are the presiding the chief justice, Staten asked like, okay, well, you know, if you weren't there, if your spectre wasn't doing this, what do you think, throttle these girls? They definitely were throttled, you know, people saw them convulsing, who did it then? And the minute was this, what do you think, throttle these girls? They definitely were throttled. People saw them convulsing. Who did it then? And the minute you were like, well, I guess I don't know, but I can level did it.

And then to really try to somehow pin the guilt back on the former minister, he just says this to him. He says, how comes the devil then to be so loathed to have any testimony born against? He comes back at him with nonsense. It's not a brain teaser, it's gibberish. What does that even mean? Pretty easy to stump people. And yeah, I know, like,

I know the guy stumped by this, the cortex, he did not answer that. No one fucking knows how to answer that because it's a nonsense question. I could stump people with gibberish. If that was did not commitist, this crimeist, then where is tasked that was to put two of three or four things? One doesn't need us to even have us. If thou didn't have five of them, or six, or none of them, or all of them, they missed in the first, or maybe the fiftest

places, well, and so I mean that is like wouldn't it fuck what? What are you even saying? Burrows was equally bewildered when ghosts began to fly around the courtroom. And by ghosts, I mean, nothing. I mean, people claiming to say ghosts. Mass hysteria, I don't believe for a second. Any of this stuff happened, that these people are claiming. All this time that people are think they're seen,

no, they're not. I think they just wanted to believe so badly, man, they're all drinking the same flavor right at this point. I'll drink in that Jim Jones juice. Oh, directly before Burrows, a girl recoiled from a horrible sight, you know? So when she sees Burrows, she recoils and she explains to the court

that she had just seen the blood red faces of George's dead wives. Damn it. These ghosts demanded justice by no, by no account in the grievell man, I guess, burrows had been assumed to beat his wives. So maybe not the best dude. Who knows how common the best violence was in the state? I'm guessing pretty common.

And, but it was just hearsay. He was never convicted of anything. Not that that would have been a crime and certainly back then, I guess. But so now the court believes he not only beat his, his, his former wife, but he killed him. These women who died of just, you know, things that no one suspected him of foul play when they did die. A lot of people died back then, but now he's murdered them. And how does Burrow's defend himself from all of this? Well, sadly, with common sense

and logic, which of course does not sit well with this particular court, he tells the court that there neither are nor ever were witches who who that having made a compact with the devil, consented devil to torment other people at a distance. Again, they talk in such a weird form of archaic English and basically he's saying like, no, this stuff, none of this stuff happened because that's not what the devil does. Well, Chief Justice Staten, who graduated from Harvard

himself from the time Burrows was more and recognized these lines as being from the work of Thomas Addy, a leading English skeptic and doctor. I hope I'm saying his name right. He wasn't a super known historical figure. It's ADY. Thomas Addy, I believe, or AD, was adamantly opposed to groundless fantastical doctrines.

He was a doctor who was just very much against people being accused of witchcraft. He's against fairy tales and old wives tales. These are his words. The results of, you know, middle of the night imagining successive drinking blows to the head. He was very annoyed by it. And he believed that all these accusations of witchcraft were just, you know,

what lazy doctors did basically. He sounded like a dude way ahead of his time. And this defense, Staten, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, borrows uses, excuse me, obviously did not work. Uh, they're not gonna, they're not gonna hear logic. So on August 19th, 1962, Martha Carrier, George Burrows, George Jacob, John Proctor, and John Willard are taken via a cart to a hilltop known as Gallows Hill and Salem Village and they

are hanged. Burrows climbed the ladder first to the gallows, perched above a crowd that included his former in-laws and parishioners. A news around his neck he delivered an impassioned speech with his last breasts. Burrows entrusted himself to the Almighty, tears rolling down his cheeks. A news around his neck he delivered an impassioned speech with his last breasts, burrows, and trusted himself to the Almighty tears rolling down his cheeks. He gives the Lord's Prayer, which is supposedly impossible for a witch or a minion of the devil to do.

And for a few moments, it actually seemed like the crowd was going to obstruct his execution. Many in the crowd are crying out for him not to be hanged. You know, he again, he had recited the Lord's Prayer. How can he do this? Doesn't matter. Kangaroo Court had made up their mind. Minutes after his prayers delivered, the minister is dangling, you know,

from a roughly finished beam. And what a horrible sight to witness. Many of them had, you know, had to have known at this point that this is a charade, that this is all nonsense. They just watched an innocent man get hanged for crimes he didn't commit. Well, Reverend Cotton Mather, he calms the crowd by telling them that the devil was the master of tricks and lies.

And what better trick for the devil to commit than to actually recite the Lord's prayer, the thing he's supposedly not able to do? I hate these assholes so much. Think about what Mather's doing here. They've made up rules, these ministers and magistrates, about what it means to be a witch. They just pulled out of their asses. They pulled out what it means to be a servant of Satan, you know? And then the

second one of these rules that they've made up is broken. They point to that as further proof of the devil's influence. They've created an entirely unwinnable game. How will we know if you're not a devil? Well, you have to throw a ball of paper, a trash paper, across the room, you have to make it into that trash bin on the first shot. The devil could never do that. So if you can do that, then you're not a devil. And then you make the shot and they're like,

ha, ha, ha, nice, try devil. Do when the thing we told you you couldn't do. That's exactly how you know someone's a devil. God, you're so tricky. You're tricky devil. Let's hang, we're gonna hang you now. We, but I just, I made it. I made it.

That's what, what would happen if I didn't make it? What would happen if I missed? Well, if you missed, then we would for sure know you were a devil. You'd be hanged. We already told you that he's stupid devil. Following these additional five executions, the court took another break from their hysterical nonsense. Arrests and accusations are continuing.

Now there's rumors altogether of like seven hundred witches just being around massages. So many fucking witches. It's a witch infestation. Cotton Mathers' father now at this time, another reverend named increased Mathers preaching caution. Increase and cotton. Apparently the Mathers were dead set and went in some sort of family with the dumbest names competition.

Anyway, increase said that going forward no more spectral evidence should be used, only empirical evidence. Now cotton to his credit had warned against using spectral evidence earlier in the trials before the first person was hanged, but it didn't seem too concerned that the magistrates dismiss his recommendation and just kept fan in the witch hunt flames, right? Because he just went along with it. Increase also advises that a voluntary confession should be the gold standard for conviction. He said, I would rather judge a witch to be an honest woman than judge an honest woman as a witch.

So, you know, he's preaching caution to his credit. But Suncotton is disagreeing now. He convinced that the devil and his army of witches are determined to destroy everything they're trying to create in New England and then he just stopped my all costs. And so the local magistrates of Salem Village, uh, side with cotton, of course they do, and then on September 9th, six more villagers are accused of witchcraft tried and condemned by the court, and then on September 16th, Giles Corey refuses to stand trial after being accused, and the court orders to the sheriff to pile rocks on him. And you heard me right. He's an 81 year old man.

Giles Corey is an 81 year old prosperous farmer, landowner, accused of witchcraft, along with his wife Martha, and he is subjected to execution by pressing in an effort to force him to plead. The only example of such a sanctioned American history, and he dies after two days of torture. Pressing was used here and there to get confessions from accused prisoners in England beginning the 15th century. And here's how it worked. Guiles was stripped naked and then a heavy board is laid on his body. So he's like laying this back on the ground. Board is put on his chest, from the pictures I saw,

kind of like neck on down through the rest of your torso and groin. And then they just add a bunch of fucking super heavy rocks on top of the board to make it difficult for the dude to breathe. And they did this to an 81 year old man. And it took him a couple days to die. And apparently, guys, man, he was a tough old bastard.

I feel like two days of pressing, he was asked three times to plead innocent or guilty to witchcraft. And each time he was asked us, he would reply, more weight. And they would just put more rocks on him. And what a fucking badass. And then in addition to the rocks, the piece of shit sheriff from time to time would stand on top of the board. In addition to the rocks, stare down at, you know, Cory, oh man, one witness later said, in the pressing Giles,

Giles Cory's tongue was pressed out of his mouth, like it was just squished out of his mouth, and then the sheriff with his cane would force it back in again. He's still alive with that going on. Finally dies on September 19th, two days earlier, by the way, on the 17th, nine more residents have been tried and condemned by the court. So then on September 22nd, 692, Martha Corey,

Giles's wife, Mary Eastie, Alice Parker, and a pewdieater, Margaret Scott, Wilmot Reed, Samuel Wardell, and Mary Parker are hanged. On Gallowas Hill, bringing the total hang to 19, 19 hanged, one pressed to death. By the end of the madness, five, total would also die, five additional, people would also die in prison, including the one who already died earlier that woman,

including also two infants. More girls around Salem Village would begin to experience convulsions, start exhibiting strange behavior. It's like the more witches they execute, the more witchcraft pops up. Damien Satan, you're never ending stream of deceit, an evil. Well, October 1692, as quickly as the witch hunt madness had begun, it now comes to excretion halt.

Less than a year after it started. Why? Well, partly and perhaps mostly because they accused the wrong person. The accusations of witchcraft went too far, finally, and they accused the governor's wife, the governor FIP. Cue's his wife's marry. This is a politician who approved, uh, and kind of organized this, this witchcraft court in the first place. You don't fucking, you don't do that. That's when you go too far, right?

You don't accuse the dude who fucking started the whole persecution of the witches. You don't accuse his wife of also being a witch. I tell you, you get your court taken away. And that's exactly what happened. October 29th, 1692, he just bans the court. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's, that's take it easy. Too much, too much, guys.

But then he just started a new court. Not done. He just doesn't want his wife, you know, being put on, you know, tried and killed. He starts a new court after the first ones that span on November 25th. And this is formed to investigate people still in prison for which craft, they still got a lot of people in jail

who haven't been killed yet, haven't been hanged. And, but then this time with the new court, no more spectral evidence. They're done with the spectral evidence, finally. The new court is again headed by William Staten, Chief Justice, and he tries five more cases in January 1693. Five people who have been indicted,

but not tried as September, Sarah Buckley, Margaret Jacobs, Rebecca Jacobs, Mary Wittridge, Job, Tuky, all found not guilty. And then grand juries are held for other suspects, still remaining in jail. Charges were dismissed against most of them, but 16 more people were indicted and tried. And then three of those were found guilty.

Elizabeth Johnson, Jr., Sarah Wardwell and Mary Post. And then when Staten wrote the warrants for the execution of these three, Old Saudi loved themselves and witches. You love going after witches. Then governor Fipps issued pardons, spared their lives and ended the madness. Then this court is also done. Finally, it's over. But despite being over, many people involved like cotton math or that reverend would believe that the devil and the witches had indeed infected their community until the day they died.

Most though did realize too late for the victims, just how crazy and out of hand things had gotten. Following the trials and executions, many involved like judge Samuel C. Wall, publicly confessed error and guilt. On January 14, 1697, the general court ordered a day of fasting and soul searching because of the tragedy in Salem Village in 1702. The court declared the trials were unlawful. And in 1711, the colony passed a bill restoring the rights and good names of those accused and granted

600 pounds restitution to the heirs. Whoops, sorry about the whole witch thing, everybody. Whoa, that was nuts. How does 600 pounds sound for the loss of your wife and mom and destruction of your reputation permanently? You know, everyone makes mistakes. Don't cry or smoke milk. That's what I say.

Don't weep, overhanged witches. I mean, people thought to be witches, but then later proven to be in a stand. Don't weep, but yeah, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna leave the 600 pounds here on the table. I'm just gonna show myself out. And then finally, in 1957, and more than 250 years later,

Massachusetts formally apologizes for the events of 1692, and that brings an end to this timeline. So what happened? Why did it happen? Did anything actually supernatural go down in Salem at the closing of the 17th century? Well, you know, it's open to interpretation as things always are of that nature, you know, things of the supernatural. You know, just like the supernatural has never been scientifically proven to exist, you also can't disprove it. Did some evil force affect those first girls

in 1692 and set out the trials? Did the devil himself get the Puritans to kill each other and turn against their own community? I mean, maybe, sure. You know, if you believe in the devil himself get the Puritans to kill each other and turn against their own community. I mean, maybe, sure. You know, if you believe in the devil, that sounds like, you know, exactly like what he do. I think it probably was a devil, you know? I think when something goes wrong or something bad happens, you don't understand or scares you, it makes you think too hard. I think it's best to blame a devil.

Times like as a devil, I haven't talked about it because I didn't want to scare you, but every time I've mispronounced a word or, you know, every time I've said something, you didn't like. Every time I took an angle on a topic that you didn't care for, it wasn't me. All right, it wasn't me. I hate to blame others. I like taking responsibility, but none of my mistakes have been my fault. It was the time suck devil every time the great Lucaphina.

Yeah, you probably haven't heard about her, but Lucaphina is the sister of Lucifer. I'm sad to say she lives in the world of time suck. Yeah. You may have seen her yourself when listening. She looks like a little like Angelina Jolie, circa 2001, kind of like the Lair Croft, you know, Tomb Raider look, little like 2005 Rosario Dawson from Sin City, kind of a merge of those two. And she's always wearing fish nets or maybe in boots, you know, like a black mini skirt,

maybe ripped jeans and a white t-shirt with no bra, something else, you know, hot. It says a devil tail, a pitch fork, horns, or sometimes a gun, uh, vampire thanks. And you know, and she's always saying stuff like, don't bother fact checking that, Dan. How about you take a break and jerk off for a little bit. God, get out, get away from me, Lucina. You know, don't edit that timeline, Dan. Make yourself a big sandwich, turn on Netflix, maybe take a nap. Back. Be gone, Lucifina. Genome is pronounced genome, Dan, you know that it is. And I'm always like, damn, damn, Lucifina.

Damn you and your sexy legs. Nimrod, give me the strength to finish my research. Give me the strength to record this episode. Give me the fortitude to resist her devil charms. And then my wife will walk in, be like, who the fuck are you talking to? And yeah, Lizzie does talk salty like that, like a sailor. I'm like, Lucifina is trying to ruin this week's episode.

And my wife is like, did Lucifina tell you to take your pants off? Did Lucifina give you a devil boner? Yes! Yes! Damn it, Lucifina. Seriously though, I don't personally believe in a real devil, so I doubt that was the reason behind the witcher. You can believe that if you'd like.

I can't disprove it. I think some type of illness affected those initial girls and then I think a culture of religious paranoia led those girls to believe that the devil and the witches were behind their illness. I mean, the family doctor told him as much. Told him it was the work of Satan. And then I think that they were encouraged to point out which, which, which, which, which, which did it. And then they threw some random names out

and then shit went just full crazy from there, spiraled out of control. Such a powerful example of how religion, or for that matter, any type of belief in supernatural should never be allowed to enter the court of law. I mean, if you want to swear in a Bible, fine. But you shouldn't get to open the Bible or any other religious text

or any other kind of supernatural spiritual text and interpret its passages as evidence. Because religious interpretation of that which can't be scientifically proven in a trial-type setting is historically proven to be a good recipe for outrageous abuse. See the inquisition. But again, that's just what I think. There is another interesting theory for a non-supernatural origin-supranatural origin of the Salem Witch Trials that we're gonna look at.

But first, what do angry morons think about the Salem Witch Trials? Huh? What are they, what are they up to? Let's find out. Let's check in with some idiot to the internet. Be into that, be into that, be into that. Shortly after searching Salem Witch Trials on YouTube, I found a video called A Real Salem Witch to Bunk's Misconceptions, and my devil boner became rock hard. Anytime you come across a video with real witch

in title, right in the title, oh, that's gold. There's, there's idiot golden them, the comments, there is. The video was made and posted by Newsy and features a host walking around Salem with a self-described witch, Terry Colgren. And Terry wants to make clear that witches don't eat birds. He gets.

And that witches don't believe in or even definitely don't worship the devil. She says witches have two rules. Do it by will and harm none. And that's basically all she says. It's a pretty short video, but it is long enough to fire up some other witches. Second comment down is from user Red Snake, who types, I don't understand why Wicken Witches always try to represent the rest of the witches around the world.

Most of the other witches that I encounter believe in the devil, not all witches worship him, there's many kinds, but to say that witches don't follow him is not true. She should only speak regarding her Wicken ways, but not represent all witches. You know, Red Snake, I think about that a lot too. So much. I just find myself often wondering, why do wicked witches get to fucking speak on behalf of all the witches?

No, no, I've never thought of that. Cause I don't give a shit about witches. Red Snake clearly does, and apparently encounters a lot of them. No, you don't. No, you do not. You do not encounter a lot of witches. You encounter a lot of them. No, you don't. No, you do not. You do not encounter a lot of witches. You encounter a lot of dramatic teenage girls, maybe in chat rooms on the web, you know, on YouTube,

Reddit, who likes to pretend they have magical powers and cast spells and make potions. If you are a witch and you're listening, I dare you to cast spells upon me. Cause I know some people think they're witches. Get together. And I know some people define witches as just being like, basically an herbalist. And I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about you think you're part. Get together. And I know some people define witches as just being like, basically an herbalist.

And I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about you who think you're part of the Dark Lord. Fuck, I dare you. I dare you to bring me down. Do it. Focus all your dark energy. I want you to do it. Send me emails telling me what I'm gonna die, right?

By your witch spell. Please, I'm, please do that. I want you to do it. So when the day passes and nothing happens, I can fucking mock you for other people's entertainment value. There is no witch working with Satan. There's no master of the dark arts witch out there. It's nonsense.

At least that's what I very strongly believe. But many don't, many don't agree with me. People like users standing perfectly still who immediately chimes in and replies to Red Snake with Red Snake is correct. Well, you know, I guess there you go. Maybe I was wrong. Red Snake and standing perfectly still, you know, they guess there you go. Maybe I was wrong. Red snake and standing perfectly still.

You know, they've decided that Wikens don't speak for all witches and that most witches do, in fact, believe and or worship the devil. User Agnes Jacobson adds, many traditional witches worship slash work with some form of devil. Though this deity slash spirit may go under different names and be derived from different traditions, some witches work with the Christian devil, some with an older, more pagan deity. I know some who work with the devil figure, they call the old one, right? Do you do you know all this stuff?

You know that these people are working with these demons. You fucking moron. I love how Agnes just casually states that they're, you know, there's people not only worship in the devil, but they're working with them. They're working with them for sure. Yeah, for sure. You know, Agnes and this other two are exactly the kind of people who had they lived in These people not only worship in the devil, but they're working with them. They're working with them, for sure. Yeah, for sure. You know, Agnes and this other two are exactly the kind of people who had they lived in

Salem Village in 1692 would be in the courtroom crying out, hang on, hang the witches, fight the devil and hang the witches. And then unfortunately, Red Snake argues for a long time with someone who has removed their comments or had them removed him, a witch fight lost internet history. But I'm sure I can find another witch fight. So I press on and here it is. User Nate Susia writes, I am a, I am witch slash warlock myself. Mm-hmm, I bet you are.

I have been practicing witchcraft for almost two years and it is a wonderful practice. I'm serious. I'm actually wicking. Okay, your warlock, that's great. Now would you mind bringing up my order? I just, I just want to grab my burger and my fries and I want to get out wicking. Okay, you're a warlock, that's great. Now, would you mind bringing up my order? I just wanna grab my burger and my fries and I wanna get out of here, okay buddy. User flash fox underscore for 20

of surprise at Nate's declaration, adding, I'm surprised as of which myself I've done the year in a day practice, but I'm surprised you are accepting of the term warlock as which is find it an offensive term. Yeah, buddy, you fucked up with the warlock. They were the one to give witchcraft a bad name. Oh, and we got a witch fight on our hands. What the fuck, Nate? What's up with warlock, buddy? Man, it's not cool. The pisses of witches off.

Guess I'm pissed, which is warlocks, man. That's who got witches in trouble. I knew it. I knew it in the first place or did they? User Naya Kertrel points out a warlock is a male and a female is a witch. Well, oh, well, there you go. So maybe it's not people who mess things up. But then user talent wing dancer adds nothing to the conversation. I mean, I have been practicing the craft

for a little over 30 years. Mommy Dearest was a high priestess. I didn't make it that Mommy Dearest. That's his words. And initiated me into her covenant age 14. Prior to my initiation, I attended vast majority of all the covenant workings. Anyway, just because mom didn't want to have

to find a babysitter, well, she was in the circle. My mom crossed over five years ago, but was very angry that I did not have my own covenant or a part of someone else's covenant. Who has time for that? Not me, not me. I prefer to be a witch without a coven. A witch without a coven. That's one of the status sentences.

When they're talking about that's how they lead their life. I guess you're just, you know, I guess you're just, somebody dresses up all in black and hangs out alone in your basement with the cats. User Carmen is no K with Nia's warlock definition. Nia Catrell, she says, no, which is a gender-neutral term and applies to cunning folk.

Warlock at its root means oath-breaker, and is a witch male or female or who betrays their coven. Well, user J. Garrison is cool with Nate Susie's original Warlock definition. Carmen, actually, I've been a practicing which for 31 years, pow, and the original Scandinavian Icelandic meaning of warlock is spirit collar. So by that definition, all witches or warlocks to take that Carmen, why don't you fuck one, shove

that up your witch ass, okay? Fucking, you don't know what you're talking about. I see your word, derivative type argument, and I raise you Scandinavian folklore nonsense. I love it. I love it when people debate about subjective fucking gibberish. You know, just actually real witches are not real, you weirdos. Why not argue over exactly what a leprechaun looks like, you know? Just actually there are no there are no more than two feet tall, and they never weigh more than 17 pounds. You show me an 18 pound leprechaun, and I'll kick a centaur in his horse dick.

Okay, and now I want to end on some adorable idiocy. Some cute, innocent teenage idiocy. User, Andrea's life says, I'm 13 and I practice witchcraft. I went there last week and I paid my respect to those 19 people You know talking about Salem. Well, first off Andrea adorable adorable I know that comes across as patronizing and that's because I'm being patronizing intentionally And second you did not pay respect to witches because the 19 people hanged in Salem. We're not witches

They were just Puritans who had insane confessions forced out of them by other insane Puritans. No one was riding around in the room. All right. No one had secret means with a devil in a meadow. It was it was a kangaroo court where they use shit like dreams as evidence. Look, if you want to call yourself a witch and by which you mean someone who believes in nature and herbal remedies, man, go for it. If you're, you know, you're into being wicked or druid, who cares? Great. Good for you. It makes you happy. Seriously. I'm not even being sarcastic. I give you, you know, if you believe in no God and the power of man, you believe he should indulge in pleasure and be a hedonist and, you know, get all the pleasure you can in a life, but you're not

hurting anybody. And that's what you think being Satan, Satanic is whatever I personally only, I don't care at all. But I, but I don't think that's what these people are doing on these threats. I think these are people who, uh, they've just taken Goth too far. They've taken to a ridiculous level. They think they're actually talking to the devil. They think they're actually making deals to make their lives feel more meaningful. Get the fuck out.

Don't confuse horror movies with documentaries. I remember kids in high school thought that if they read the right book, they could perform spells. Uh, what I don't remember is ever seen a spell performed. Ever. Highly doubt that shit's ever happened, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll disappear into some portal into hell, some portal place to take me out by a real witch

working with the devil. Maybe Cotton Mather was right the whole time. Maybe we should all be listening to the wise words of YouTube commenters. Maybe those of us who don't are the real idiots of the internet. Okay, so I mentioned earlier an interesting scientific explanation for what may have kicked off the witch trials. And I actually referenced it in the MK Ultra bonus episode.

It's Urgot Poisoning. In 1982, researcher and historian Dr. Mary K. Mastosian, an associate professor at the University of Maryland, wrote that the trials of 1692 were the worst outbreak of which persecution in American history. When Governor Fips of Massachusetts ordered a general reprieve, the following spring, about 150 accused, which is were still locked up, and they were finally released. The idea that Urgot was to blame was originally proposed in 1976 by Linda R. Caperelle, a graduate student in psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara.

She argued that symptoms displayed by the children thought to initially be bewitched, fits, and complaints of being pricked, bitten, for example, were typical of ergotism. Visions reported by the victim she had were strikingly similar to those produced by the Hallustinian LSD, a chemical derivative of Urgot. And again, if you listen to MK Ultra Time Sec, you're already familiar with Urgot Poisoning. Now, to be fair, this is just a theory and plenty of historians don't agree.

Noting that the girls did not reportedly experience nausea and vomiting, other symptoms of Urgotism, and some historians feel the afflicted girls were enacting the role of, you know, like demons as the role was commonly understood in their day. They basically were responding to social cues, such as convulsing and mass, when the, as the role was commonly understood in their day. They basically were responding to social cues such as convulsing in mass when the accused entered the room. Like they were just expected to do that, so they did.

But Dr. Mistosey feels like it was more than that. She feels she said, I have concluded after examining the Salem court transcript, the ecological situation and recent literature on ergotism that the objections raised to ergotism in this case are not valid. The witchcraft affair she adds may have been part of a largely unrecognized American health problem, occasional cold damp periods and coastal lowlands,

she believes allowed rye to become infected with ergod. Among the symptoms of severe ergodism is formication, a feeling of an answer crawling under your skin, the victim may also suffer coldness of the extremities, spasms of limbs, tongues, facial muscles. In severe cases, epileptic seizures, partial paralysis and coma are followed by death. And then she said,

animal suffering from convulsive ergodism may behave wildly, make loud distress noises, stop lactating and die. And several cows and three people who experienced convulsions did die during the 1692 outbreak. Remember the woman accused of applying witchcraft to a pig? You know, maybe that pig was convulsing. Maybe that pig had ergotism. The suggestion that the afflicted teenage girls and Salem village were faking their symptoms or has others have suggested role-playing in the presence of social

cues cannot alone explain the symptoms of the animal victims, which is a great point, right? Like the girls could respond to social pressure. The pig is going to be like, well, I think, I think this is how you're supposed to act when a demon gets in you. She added that the ride bread was a staple of Salem village residents diets in 1692. And Salem and other towns of Essex County, Massachusetts, 24 of 30 purported victims of bewitchment in 1692 suffered from convulsions and the sensations of being pinched, pricked or bitten. She asserted that they may not have reported

other symptoms such as nausea because those were unexpected in witchcraft victims. So maybe they were nauseous, but those documents are symptoms. I just didn't think that was important to know because it didn't fit the witchcraft narrative. In the American colonies at that time, according to Dr. Mistose, in ribed bread was a dietary staple and the crop was vulnerable to Urgot from wits of tree rings, formed during that period she found that the growing season in eastern New England was abnormally cool in 1690, 91 and 92, which increased the risk of Rye Bread becoming contaminated with Urgot. Diaries kept embossed and during the intervening winners showed that they were very cold, households chiefly stricken by bewitchment were those closest to marshy land, coincidence,

or further proof of Irgottism. New Englanders believed in witchcraft both before and after 1692 she wrote yet no other year was there such severe persecution of witches. So basically Dr. Mastosian believes that Irgott po poising combined with the Puritans' religious beliefs created the perfect storm for the Salem Witch trials. And I gotta say, that sounds good to me. That's the best explanation I came across on the web. If you've got a better theory, send it my way. Send it to Bojangles at timesookpodcast.com for a future update.

And we'll get to today's timesoaker Update soon, but first, top five takeaways. Time Suck, Top Five Takeaway. Number one, in 1492, Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue. In 1692, Puritans accused hundreds of Massachusetts residents of witchcraft, hanged 19 of them, killed one more by suffocating him with a bored way down with stones. Number two, spectral evidence was allowed during the Salem-Wish trials, which was witness testimony that the accused person's spirit or spectral shape appeared to

the witness in a dream. Wow, thank God dreams are no longer allowed in court. We'd all be convicted to some weird shit. I find you guilty of turning into a giant spider and then changing back to a human and then speaking in Spanish Even though I thought you wanted to speak in Italian and then you were there But like like you like you weren't there and then you then you just popped out of nowhere and you're like who took much Itos and you did all of it Number three the Puritans were an awful terrible group of Coral some hateful people who fled England because of religious persecution And as they acted in England at all, like they did in America,

those Quaker, Tongue, Nalen, Catholic and everyone else, Hayden, which hang in assholes deserved to be persecuted. Number four, witches were believed to, among other things, fly around on broomsticks for secret meetings with the devil, steal penises and mess barns up a bit. What is strange collection of talents? It's almost as if witch stuff is utter nonsense. broomsticks for secret meetings with the devil, steal penises, and mess barns up a bit.

What a strange collection of talents. It's almost as if witch stuff is out of nonsense. Number five, new info. No witch in Salem was burned to the stake. This is a popular myth that shows up all over online. But as you know, now the Salem witches were all hanged when convicted of witchcraft. And of course, there was the dude, you know, press the deathless stones for not admitting he was a witch.

Historically, French witches were burned, and English witches were hanged. And when three people were convicted of witchcraft in the Channel Islands, Islands between England and France in 1617, to appease both traditions, the three were hanged and then burned, seriously. Time suck, tough, right takeaway.

So I hope you liked that Salem Witch bonus suck. Gotta say, that may have been my favorite episode to research so far. Definitely up there with Jim Jones and Houdini for my favor. I don't know, I guess it was Scientology. A lot of faves. A lot of faves, that's one of them. Next bonus episode will actually be the suck, suck in itself. We're going meta. A bunch of you have written over the life of the show asking about my my story. How did I get

into stand up? Kind of like how you know when I come from far as growing up. But I always want to be a comic. How did I decide on time suck? Yeah, and I think just you know it's a thousand review episode. Feels like the show has been around long enough now to kind of explain where it came from and who I am and I wouldn't do that on a normal Monday show. So I'm doing the bonus, you know, so you can you can skip out if you're not interested, not gonna be offended. And then you know, check it out if you are understand a little bit more about why I'm doing this and what it is and all that kind of stuff. So it'll be a little little autobiography, I guess. Thanks to Time Suckers Crystal and Terry via Facebook, Max, Kuznetsov, Patrick Carroll, Brendan Rogers,

and to all of other time suckers who I may have missed and who voted online to pick salums, which trials, mainly on Instagram and at Time Suck Podcast there. So thanks to those of you who support the show by using that Amazon button on TimeSuck Podcast.com to your shopping. You can also check out those tour dates on the sites, link to them from there, and big thanks to all of you

who have purchased one of the new TimeSuck hats. So proud of those. Send the pick of you, wearin' one, and we'll post it at TimeSuck Podcast on Instagram. And this Monday on the Suck Just a couple days away, Teddy Motherfucking Rose of Elts, Rancher, hunter, president, rough writer, professional yo yo record setter, Amazon explorer, big game hunter, Native

American hater, puppeteer, dude who decided not to let a bullet to the chest stop him from giving a very long speech to those things are not true. Find out which ones listen to the episode. He was a complicated, sometimes terrible, sometimes extraordinary man. You don't get your face on Mount Rushmore being the dude hanging out in the back cubicle, the office keeping to himself, you know,

kind of guy, he retires, and people in the office don't even know he's retired until six months after he's gone. That's not how you do it. You have to leave a mark. You have to leave a mark on the world that you have to do some shit and Teddy Roosevelt sure as hell did that guy added more cool stories to his life in a year

than most people do in an entire lifetime. And his suck is time suck guaranteed to be exciting, fascinating, titillating, other words. And now time sucker updates. Time Sucker Updates. Okay, a lot of 9-11 updates from Monday's episode. I'm dedicating this segment basically to two of the lengthier ones. And this is both regarding the inside job, kind of conspiracy. I don't want to say I glossed over it, but I clearly, if you listen to it, so I didn't spend a lot of time on it. And the first one today is from Time Sucker Emre Cestak.

I believe that's a Romanian name, maybe Hungarian. I hope it in totally butchered. And Emre wrote in saying, hey sucky McSuck face. I like it so far, like the attitude. Thank you for your latest episode on 9-11. I really enjoy your podcast and share the same curiosity for things that I don't know much about.

Love it. Love who you people are. I am in line with you on the conspiracy thing where I don't believe all the conspiracy theories that I hear, I listen and evaluate. Most of them are done as shit, and I write them off on 9-11, I'm torn. I completely agree that if it was just oil,

we were going after, we can make up some stupid ass reason and go invade Iraq. However, I think it's deeper. I find it easier as a citizen to give up certain freedoms in order to feel safer. After 9-11, we all threw up our hands and went, do what you need to do as long as we stay safe. All deal with TSA shit as long as they don't blow up my plane. Could it be possible that 9-11 happened not just because we needed oil, but also because the government needed to justify setting up all these new agencies for surveillance on its own people. I just think of the AUMF, authorized use of military force,

and how much power that gives to one person. The US government can legally detain people without a trial, as long as they feel that person has a threat to the nation. Anything can be justified. Listen to the 60 word sentence radio lab podcast. It's awesome. This all happened because the law was presented by writing the emotional wave of 9-11.

It's possible to the US government saw that cyber is the way of the future and needed to increase jurisdiction in the cyber world. Maybe 9-11 was meant to lay the groundwork for the laws past to set up how much power the government really has. I have no time nor am I interested in digging deep into the details of 9-11. I love the honesty there, Emory. And totally get it. As much as I research, always which I had time to look deeper into subjects and into more subjects. Never ends. It just never ends. Okay, and then Emory continues. It happened. We need to remember the heroes and move on. I just take a step back and see how much changed. After 9-11, the US government gained a hell of a lot more power and the US citizens lost a hell of a lot more freedom or a hell of a lot of freedom.

That may just be a thought. Please don't make Bojangles attack me. Well no attack, everyone. Bojangles fucking loves a questioner. Except questioner, who happened to be communist? Bojangles and Michael Mothers fucking McDonald have real hard-ons for communists. A lot of hard-on-talk in this episode, by the way, do you realize that? Anyway, I understand you're concerned.

The government did give itself far more surveillance and security power from 9-11. We did lose a certain amount of freedom when we haven't gotten that back. That's all proven. But what's a big question to me is, is did the government create 9-11 as an opportunity to expand its power, or did it use 9-11 as an excuse to expand its power, or did it use 9.11 as an excuse to expand its power? Or was it necessary to expand its power after 9.11 to keep it safe? You know, and that's probably not a popular thought, but let's just say for argument's sake that no new security measures were enacted because of 9.11. And then that's also

safe for argument's sake that in the years since 10 more planes were hijacking destroyed, several other towers were reduced to ruins and numerous other large scale terrorist attacks hit the United States. Would we want to go back in time if we were able to and increase security and lose freedom to prevent all of that from happening? It's a tricky issue. It really is. Yes, we've lost privacy in a certain amount of freedom, but how many other attacks have

been thwarted? None? One? Many? We don't really know. The research is inconclusive about this and there's a chance our of freedom, but how many other attacks have been thwarted? None? One? Many? We don't really know. The research is inconclusive about this, and there's a chance our government has, government hasn't told us about every attack. It's prevented, because maybe that would increase the risk of more attacks. We just don't know. It's so complicated. It's a never-ending argument. You know, and that how much freedom is it okay to sacrifice for public safety? I don't know. I don't know if there is an answer to that. I guess it just comes down to,

you kind of know it when you see it. And does it feel like we've lost too much already for you? For me, God, I really don't know. I really don't know. I lean towards saying that I don't think we have, you know, like on the, on the web privacy, I guess there's still things like the dark web itself. You could use it if you want, there are legal. I don't like knowing that any of my phone conversations could be monitored, but at the same time, I'm not using any phone conversations to plan anything to various.

So it doesn't really bother me. I don't, it's a tricky issue. Is it possible the government really did create 9-11 to push through a lot of new agenda? I mean, I guess it is, it's possible. I just have a hard time personally believing that they're smart enough to get away with that. And that's not a knock on politicians, and that's not a knock on the Bush administration. I just don't think anyone is smart enough to pull off something. That insidious, that large in scope, something that we require the involvement

of so many people, of so many different skill skill sets and then to keep all those people quiet Maybe I guess I know some people do claim to have learned things whenever I see see that stuff I mean generally I'm just like yeah, I don't know about this and again I know there's so much more out there. I mean truly you could spend a month just on that episode alone Which as you know doing this every week. I just I don't have that much time I just on that episode alone, which as you know, doing this every week, I just, I don't have that much time. I guess I'll just have to allow for the fact that it's possible. I don't know. So I certainly wasn't there.

Our next and final update on this subject comes from Time Sucker Kevin, Kelmer who writes, Sir Suckerton, your show, I dig it, you are very thorough with the research and I can donate for that. I do try, Kevin. I do the best with, I can with the time allotted for sure.

But he says, I think due to the absurd amount of idiotic conspirators out there for this subject, you may have been misconstrued to some of the more, regarding some of the more legitimate arguments about what happened on 9-11. Here are a few follow-up things I think you should look into and decide for yourself. From there, whatever you decide to each their own mother's sucker, love the fact that you sent me some info, Kevin. Much respect for that. And let's get into that. Kevin continues with number one, there is a website called rethink 911.org. It's a nonprofit organization where over 2,250 architects and engineers have signed the architects and engineers for 911 truth petition. They have a short video

on their website that explains more in detail about what they believe. Check it out. All right, so I did. I did check it out. Check out today. I watched the video on their website that explains more in detail about what they believe, check it out. All right, so I did. I did check it out. Check out today. I watched the video on their homepage, a YouTube video titled the official Rethink 9-11 video. Don't love the disabled comments on the video.

Not sure why they would do that. Yeah, I'm sure they're going to get a lot of people trolling, but they could also get people maybe adding to the discussion. I thought that was an odd choice. But anyway, the big point of contention in this video discussed is the concept of freefall, which is that, when an object is falling unimpeded to the ground, it just goes at a scientifically determined rate.

It just drops very, very quickly. Like if you drop your car keys, but you're hand out to your side, drop your car keys, they're just going gonna go straight down. There's not gonna be like a change, like a jagged change in shifting in speeds back and forth. It just quickly accelerates and keeps accelerating until it hits the ground.

And if it was high enough, it would accelerate to its critical mass. And then, you know, I think that's the right term. Sorry, I just kind of pulled out of my butt. I remember from science, critical velocity. I think that's probably better. Maybe that's there. Anyway, they feature some engineers and other experts who say that the building seven,

the third smaller world trade center tower to fall 9-11 fell at a rate of free fall. And they don't think it's possible to do that with 40,000 tons of structural steel in the building, unless the building is blown up. They contend that the only way for a building to fall in that particular way is with a controlled demolition Not in a situation do essentially to the official report of office fire They also discuss how firefighters that day notice molten steel and contend that an office fire cannot burn hot enough to melt steel And the video states that news outlets reported that the building collapsed an hour before it did But then in evidence of this, they show a reporter saying he's heard the building seven has

collapsed or is collapsing. That's very different. So I am going to have a bone to pick with that. I'm going to say that it's normal reporting. The building was in golden flames. They probably heard it looked like it was going to collapse and then they reported that. That to me is not indicative of anything. And then they show firefighters talking about how the whole building is about to blow

up and this is also evidence of an inside job. Now, I don't also disagree with that. Just based on the footage I watched and the way the firefighters were talking, it's like, yeah, it looks like it's going to blow up. Well, yeah, it's a fucking big hot building. I mean, they're just calling it like they see it as opposed to I feel having some kind of inside information. They also point to BBC reporters reporting that the building fell in perfect to tail 20 minutes before it actually fell, but then don't show that footage

so clearly they did not report in perfect to tail or that would be a very compelling argument. Yeah, people just maybe heard that the building was falling or had fallen and report that. To me, this is all just like basic human error. Things are crazy. A lot of things are happening real fast. They're doing the best job they can to be, you know,

like the, with competition in, in, new state, to be the first one to get the story out. None of that felt like a proof of anything to me. Dan, rather, you know, said it looked like a demolition. All right. See a demolition expert. No. And then some professors said that the way the building came down convinced her that well-placed explosives have been planted there for weeks if not months

That kind of bothered me Why why did they have to be there for weeks or months? Why couldn't it have been the day before? Why couldn't they have you know put it there? I don't know maybe it's just something. I don't know This video does make me you know question a few things you know One question I have is if it's obvious if it's so obvious to the engineers on this video, as it appears to be into physics professors, then why don't all engineers, and physics professors, et cetera, believe it was an inside job? If it's that obvious, why wasn't there a proper court case or anything?

I don't know. This is for you to watch and decide if you're that curious. And with Building 7, what about this conspiracy, Angela? What if it was an inside job, but what if the explosives were planted after the attack to control the building's fall when they knew it was going to fall anyway in some form to actually save lives by keeping the building from crashing into other buildings and killing even more people. That's just a thought. That's just a thought I came up with on my own. What if the government did actually want to blow it up and knew that that would kill

some people, but also knew that that would save more lives than it took. And in a situation like that, maybe they figured the public wouldn't understand, but it was the right thing to do. Again, total just random speculation, just a thought. And again, on all this kind of conspiracy stuff, you just kind of, you can watch a lot of videos like this one of people saying, oh my God,

it's so obvious that it is a demolition. But you can also find other videos online as I saw that say like nope, there is no way it's insulting to assume that it was any fine engineers on the other side. There really is both sides. So it just comes down to what do you want to believe? Kevin continues with there is a documentary called Desight Guest and to save you from watching the entire documentary, although I do recommend it, I'll include a link to the

part of 9-11, which explains the NORAD North American Aerospace Defense Command and then it has been doing training for this exact situation for years before the attack, which goes against your opinion that the Air Force didn't react because they didn't know what to do. And that is based on the episode I said that some stuff I read said, like why didn't fighter jets get to these planes faster before they got to the tower when they were alerted earlier that something was going on that they were hijacked, and that there wasn't proper training for that, that actually they were training for things more across the Atlantic. Okay, okay, so I did watch this, and honestly, again, I'm not trying to be confrontational.

I just didn't like the way the information was presented, so sensationalized. At one point, they showed the explosion from the plane hitting the tower over, and actually they don't show the plane. They kind of make it look like it's just exploding, which I thought was a little deceitful too, over and over and over, like 10 times in a row. So I'm just gonna take your word that there was training for a scenario of this nature. I don't bump on that at all.

However, when it's the first time it's happening for real, doing the exercise for real probably isn't going to happen, like it's not going to happen like you did in training, like when you're doing it for the first time. Here's an analogy. Take NFL players. I have Lavy on Bell. There's one of my fantasy teams on one of my fantasy teams. He's my first round pick. One of the best running backs in NFL the past few years, but he sat out training camp this year in a contract dispute. Barely got a few practices and in and looked, track dispute, barely got a few practices in and looked really sharp in practice, but then super rusty in the game because of the speed at which the game itself was actually

played. He fucked up my point total and it wasn't in game shape. Son of a bitch. How dare he put his career before my fantasy team. But seriously, these pilots may have trained, they may have trained for this exact scenario, but when the scenario hits, they're still not in game shape because it's the first time the scenario hits. So I still think that's not indicative of a definite conspiracy. I think that's just again, human error. Okay, but that's just me. This is just my opinions back to Kevin. Now the other thing that made me want to swing

bojangles by the balls was that you said you don't think it was an inside job and it's the government could have made up any excuse in the world to go in there and get to oil. They wanted, I think you're a little far fetched on the total power we have in America, be getting away from that. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. I probably do. There's a good possibility of maybe I overestimate our strength probably because I just enjoy imagining

that we could fuck up whoever we want, whenever we want. That may be just wishful thinking, created an brain of mine, admittedly filled with thoughts of vengeance. Okay. So Kevin continues, let's look at why they would want to blow up the buildings. And he says the amount of people killed in the planes were 265, including the 19 terrorists and 125 at the Pentagon. Do you really think starting a full blown war for the last 15 years and spending a trillion

dollars is worth that? We haven't done anything like that for the last 15 years and spending a trillion dollars is worth that. We haven't done anything like that for the Boston Marathon bombing or any subsequent terror attacks. But if we account for the 300s so that died inside the building upon impact, we'd be getting warmer. But a highly doubt it would be caused to go as far as we have in Afghanistan and Iraq. Now if we consider the 2996 people killed in over 6000 wounded in the attacks, we would be looking into more serious events.

So in relation to your reasoning, that it doesn't matter if the planes at the building or the building collapse, I completely disagree. Okay, so your point here, very well articulated Kevin, but I feel like you have to admit as I do that this is all pure speculation. Just like I speculated that we could make up any reason we want to invade someone,

you're speculating that a few hundred bodies is not enough to justify war, but a few thousand is You know and again both our sides on this is you know rampant speculation like what is what is the number? Is it is it a thousand is it 300 is it? You know 3000 I don't know and then Kevin writes war is an inevitable part of history and it almost seems like there is never a time America is not in war. Wars, one of the most profitable operations in the world. So many private organizations are involved in each and every war. I hope you are not ignorant enough to know that generals and admirals of the United States

military may have ties, have many ties to the government officials and the investment of these private organizations of war, in which case they can use their power of rank to maximize their own personal gains through stocks and investments to the organizations involved in supply and wars. I am aware of that for sure. There have always been war profiteers and there is a military industrial complex where there is much, much, much money to be made. And people did financially benefit greatly from the events after 9-11, from Iraq and from Afghanistan.

But again, people benefit all the time from situations they didn't necessarily create. I don't doubt that military contractors made a lot of money in the Second Gulf War or an Afghanistan, of course they did. But that doesn't mean that they killed New Yorkers for the opportunity to do so. And again, I still kind of believe my original thought of, of they probably pushed a little harder than necessary or maybe even made up the weapons of mass destruction. That I would buy, that they completely fabricated that to start an unjust war, you know, and then morally justify it by toppling a sadistic regime and then also making a lot of money.

That I'm way, way more likely to go down that wormhole, but I don't know, it just maybe, and again, it's just personal. Maybe it's just me, I just don't think that A, that the government would do something that horrific to its citizens, just on that scale, at that time period, and maybe I just don't wanna believe it. I don't know. I do appreciate your curiosity and dedication to other possibilities that can't be very, very cool, man.

That's what the suck is all about. Push each other to open our minds and learn more. This kind of shit is partly why I'm building the Time Suck app, man. I'm gonna have more details as time moves on, but I wanna have a message board platform within this app that's only for Time Suckers, a place where you can share ideas like this, not just with me, but the entire Time Suck community,

because there's so many updates that come in every week. I can't possibly get to all of them, but I would like to share them with you, and I think the app is the perfect place to do that. And then, you know, I don't need to, I don't, and I don't have time, I don't have time to monitor all the discussions, or frankly, to be totally honest, you know, always the interest for each one, but that doesn't mean that you guys shouldn't, you know, you guys can, you know, start off threads your own and start them start them with around people with a similar curiosity. And that way avoid the trolls we make fun of on the internet.

Okay, so can't wait, he says, Kevin says, can't wait to hear the Salem Witch trials, suck the shit out of those witches. Well, I'm sorry, I got a backup. Kevin ends with this. Now, I know this isn't back with extensive research and I apologize because I don't have time in a day to research as extensively as you.

I think it is hard to turn your head to what happened out there at 9.11. If you read into it a little more. I hope I have shed some light on you and I hope I won't be classified as the internet. Can't wait for those Salem witch trials suck to shit out of those witches. Well, I did suck to shit out of those witches

and you're not an idiot and you did raise a lot of great points that maybe you really think about things. Just because I didn't necessarily change my original opinion, it doesn't mean I didn't think a lot about what you said. And you did bring up a lot of points and other time suckers of your listening, you know, it is, it is an interesting kind of wormhole to go down if you have time and watch some of these videos.

So thank you Kevin. Hope you enjoyed those witches and now get ready to suck. To Heddy-R on Monday. Thanks, time suckers. I need a net. We all did. suck to head ER on Monday. Have a good weekend everybody. Keep telling your friends about the suck.

Nothing spreads a suck like word of mouth. I'm doing my best to promote it, but it's hard to do much marketing when you're kind of a one-man band. With a small team of very generous volunteers, help me. But definitely no corporate muscle behind the suck. No big podcast office with a dedicated team of employees, just a curious dude, some curious volunteers, and you curious mother suckers out there.

Really hoping to be able to hire an employee with the app drops and turn time suck and do an even more robust business, make it that much better. All right, have a good weekend for real, stay curious, send positive thoughts, to areas ravaged by the hurricanes. Don't ride a broomstick past a Puritan

and keep on sucking.