Timothy Keller Sermons Podcast by Gospel in Life - Grace to the Barren (Part 1)

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

The difference between a sword and a scalpel at first sight doesn’t seem that great. But you can either cut in order to defeat or in order to heal. The book of Galatians is counseling, and for Paul, truth is a scalpel. He’s not using truth to bludgeon, but to do surgery. And the reason this truth changed other people’s lives was because Paul brought the truth through the mode and channel of true friendship. We’re told three things in this passage about transforming friendships: 1) a friend has a vision for who God is making you, 2) a friend has a vision for Christ being formed in you, and 3) a friend is willing to go into labor pains for it all. This sermon was preached by Dr. Timothy Keller at Redeemer Presbyterian Church on March 8, 1998. Series: Galatians: New Freedom, New Family. Scripture: Galatians 4:21-31. Today's podcast is brought to you by Gospel in Life, the site for all sermons, books, study guides and resources from Timothy Keller and Redeemer Presbyterian Church. If you've enjoyed listening to this podcast and would like to support the ongoing efforts of this ministry, you can do so by visiting https://gospelinlife.com/give and making a one-time or recurring donation.

Are you seeking to change something in your life but find yourself falling into the same habits? Is there any hope for lasting change? This month, Tim Keller is preaching through the book of Galatians, which is all about how Christians can experience true transformation in Christ and how our issues are not solved by our good works, but by allowing the gospel to transform every area of our lives. After you listen, we invite you to go online to GospelInLife.com and sign up for our email updates. When you sign up, you'll receive our Life in the Gospel quarterly journal

with articles that feature how the gospel is changing hearts, lives, and communities, as well as highlighting other gospel-centered resources. Subscribe today at GospelandLife.com. In your bulletin, there's a passage from Galatians, which we're looking at every week. It takes a certain amount of discipline to come to a service, really. Have you ever noticed that? A certain amount of discipline to come to a service, really. Have you ever noticed that? A certain amount of discipline to come to a service where every week you're going into another part of a book. We're going through the Book of Galatians, Paul's Pistol of the Galatians, and we're

going through it verse by verse, piece by piece. When I say a certain amount of discipline, I mean I'm giving you some credit. And that means if you're doing a series on problems, and you look down and you say, ah, next week it's on anger, the week after that it's on worry, the week after that it's on depression. So you say, that's interesting,

I really need to hear that, I wanna get to that one. But when you look at what's coming up, you just say, Genesis, Galatians three, Galatians four, Galatians five, and you have these strange titles, but you don't know what it's gonna be about. And you say, I just wanna get some more of Galatians 3, Galatians 4, Galatians 5, and you have these strange titles, but you don't know what it's going to be about you.

And you say, I just want to get some more of Galatians. So you know, I just, that takes a certain amount of maturity. It does. To the Galatians, of course. My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you. How I wish I could be with you now and change my tone because I am perplexed about you. Tell me, you who want to be under the law, are you not aware of what the law says? For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the slave woman and the other by the

free woman. His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way, but his son by the free woman was born as a result of a promise. These things may be taken figuratively, for the women represent two covenants. One covenant is from Mount Sinai and bears children who are to be slaves. This is Hagar. Now Hagar stands for Mount Sinai in Arabia and corresponds to the present city of Jerusalem because she is in slavery with her children. But the Jerusalem that is above is free, and she is our mother. For it is written, Be glad, O barren woman, who bears no children, break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labor pains, because more

are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband. Now you, brothers, like Isaac, are children of promise. And at that time, the son born in the ordinary way persecuted the son born of the power of the Spirit. It is the same now. But what does the scripture say? Get rid of the slave woman and her son, for the slave woman's son will never share in

the inheritance with the free woman's son. Therefore, brothers, we are not children of the slave woman, but of the free. This is God's word. Now we'll see how much we can get through. In spite of the fact that I know when you first look at this you're wondering what the heck is going on here. There are just so many, there are so many verses and phrases that when you reflect and meditate on them just brings so much. Now here's what the overall theme is, and I don't know how far we're going to get, but here's what the overall theme is. Up until chapter four, if you read the book of Galatians, you can see there's a fierce battle going on. There's a lot of, Paul is writing a letter and it's a very polemical letter.

There's a lot of polemics. Now polemics means he's arguing. And let me give you the little summary that I give as often as I can to make sure you see the context here. The Galatians is a set of churches that Paul is writing to that he had planted. They were people who'd become Christians under his ministry, but now a set of churches that Paul is writing to that he had planted. They were people who had become Christians under his ministry, but now a set of teachers have come, false teachers who have come to them, and they are contradicting Paul's original message, Christian message.

And to boil it all down, the false teachers say, one, two, three, believe in Jesus Christ, number one, and obey the law of God, number two, and as a result, you'll be saved. But Paul, when he came, he had said, number one, believe Jesus Christ, believe in Jesus, number two, and be saved, and number three, as a result, you'll obey God's law. The false teacher said, belief and obedience go together and result in salvation. But Paul said, no, it's belief and salvation that go together and result in obedience. And there's been this tremendous battle. Paul's basically been arguing, fighting with the teaching of the false teachers, and it's very polemical.

And if you don't think, hmm, if you think, well, people don't fight over dogma anymore, people don't fight over doctrine anymore, that's just not true. There's a magazine comes out I think every two months called Lingua Franca and it's actually an academic, it's a magazine for academics for people, faculty generally in universities. And I didn't buy it, but I read it, picked it up and read through it enough to see. There's an article in the latest issue on how three very popular, not popular so much, as three very prominent departments in three major universities have self-destructed over infighting over philosophy and doctrine, academic doctrine. I don't remember all three of them. I remember it was the philosophy department of Yale,

the anthropology department of Columbia, and there was a third one, a west coast university. And what they pointed out was that there was these tremendous fights that happen all the time in our modern universities. So, you know, in the anthropology, you know, in the sociology department or the English department, you'll have people who are structuralists, but they don't want to, they want to keep the post structuralists out, you see. Got to get rid of the post structuralists. And so, and then of course, if maybe there's fighting inside and the post structuralist becomes the chairman and when they get, when that person gets the chair of the department, they try to throw out the structuralist. And actually, when you read it, you know, you say, it's the battle of the isms. This ism is fighting against this ism.

And you say, what's the big deal? And when you first read through Galatians, you ask, well, you think it's the same thing. Until we get to chapter four, and in Galatians four, we suddenly see Paul virtually weeping, and we suddenly see that Paul says, the reason I'm fighting about this is that this is truth, this truth I'm talking to you about, is absolutely necessary, it's a life and death thing. It's not just who is going to be in charge of the department.

This is truth that has to do with you, with your heart, with your life. And therefore, it's when you get to chapter 4, and it begins to talk like this, My dear children, see, for whom I begin in the pains of childbirth, till Christ is formed in you, how I wish I could be with you, and I change my tone so long because I'm perplexed about you. For Paul, truth is not a weapon, it's a scalpel. He's not using truth to bludgeon, but to do surgery. Now you see, the difference between a sword and a scalpel,

at first sight, doesn't seem all that great. I mean, you're cutting somebody, but you can either cut just in order to win, or you can cut in order to heal, in order to change, in order to bring something in. And therefore, Galatians is counseling. And Paul is only using his doctrine in such a way as to change the heart, as to transform the life. He's bringing it into relationship with the heart.

And what I'd like to show you is, in spite of the fact that this section, verse 21 to 31, which we probably won't get all through tonight, is a very, very doctrinal section. Incredibly doctrinal. In fact, it's one of the hardest parts of the Book of Galatians, and it's probably the climax, and it draws many, many things together. When you read through it, you say, what is going on here? But here's what's so interesting, almost always, always, when you read in a commentary or you listen to sermons, they always start with verse 21.

Because the section on Hagar and Sarah starts with verse 21. And he says, tell me you who will be under the law. It begins. But now look at verse 19 and 20. Here he's saying, my dear children, I'm in anguish over the pains of childbirth till Christ has formed in you. Now do you think, here he's saying, oh, I don't know what to do about you. I'm wringing my hands. I'm just in agony. I don't know. I'm weeping over you. And then suddenly

verse 21 says, now class, let's do the lesson of the day. Hagar and Ishmael, would you please turn to Genesis 16? That's not what he's doing. Paul doesn't change from counseling into some kind of abstract lecture on theology. What he's telling us doctrinally is his counseling. See, frankly, it wasn't until I read 1920 in connection to it when I began to sort of begin to realize what Galatians is all about. You can have the same truth, you can believe the same doctrine, you can have the same truth

of Galatians. I believe everything that Paul says and you can be using the truth as a sword instead of as a scalpel. And I would like to show you why in Paul's life this truth, this dogma, this doctrine changed people's lives and why many, many, many people who actually believe the doctrine, they believe the orthodoxy, they believe what Paul said in Galatians, and yet they don't see anybody's lives being changed. And the answer is this, Paul brings the truth to bear through the mode and through the channel

of a friendship. Now I didn't realize this, this is one of those things where, you know, I preach two sets of sermons. I preach a morning series and an evening series and last week I preached a series on friendship and what the Bible says about it. And it was because I had spent all that time looking at it. When I started to study this passage for this week, it just suddenly hit me. What you have in verses 19 and 20 is a wonderful little compendium,

some principles of what a Christian friendship is. Truth that comes through a Christian friendship, not just a relationship, not I'm a Christian, you're a Christian, I'm gonna tell you how you should live, but through a friendship, the same truth that would be like a sword becomes a scalpel. The same truth that would just bludgeon becomes a life-transforming thing.

And I wouldn't have known it, I guess if I hadn't been thinking about this, but it's so clear. Paul obviously doesn't, isn't weeping in, you know, in agony, and then all of a sudden in verse 21 says, now it's time for the theology lesson. Would you please, class, would you please get out your books? He's not talking like that. We have a tendency sometimes to read Galatians like that. We have a tendency to read all the New Testament like that, all the Old Testament, but it's

always a love letter, basically. Now what I'd like to show you is if you have this same thing, if you have this, if your relationships, if your friendships follow these same principles, then you could see just what Paul has seen, and that is he's bearing children. It's quite a metaphor. He knows that when he brings truth to bear on people's hearts through this particular kind of relationship, he sees people being born into the Christian world, into Jesus' family through him.

He becomes a mother, a spiritual mother. In fact, if you look carefully, this whole text is about that. It's about who bears children and what it means to bear children spiritually, isn't it? It's all about barrenness and who is really fruitful. Is Hagar really the fruitful one? Beautiful and young. Or is Sarah, the person that had old and haggard and the one that was barren and

one was a disgrace and had to rely on the supernatural grace of God. In the end, Paul says, who is, who's the one and how does it happen that you really, really are changing lives and really informing people, bringing people into the Christian family, changing their lives. You know, the principle is if you bring the truth to bear on somebody else's life in the context of a friendship that you have built, then you will be a spiritual mother, even if you're a guy. Okay?

Now, what is the... And by the way, here's a quickie. You know, please, basically, the metaphorical gender bending of the New Testament, it works out. If you ever bristle, ladies, women, if you ever bristle when it says, you're all sons of God, and you say, well, why doesn't it say sons and daughters? Well, because then the next thing, you know, it turns around and says, we're all brides of Christ. And now here we're saying, we're all mothers through the Holy Spirit,

bringing people into the world. It works out. Ever notice it? It kind of evens out. Okay? Sometimes you feel like, I think like, okay, I'm a guy. Sometimes the guy says, okay, I think I'm a bride. But it's good for you. It's very good for you. Do the imagination. Now, there's three things in this little text that we're told about the nature of transforming friendships.

And actually, it's right here actually in verses 19 and 20. You see, my dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth till Christ is formed in you, how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone because I'm perplexed for you. Here's the three things. First of all, a friend is somebody with a vision for your greatness formation, a vision for your spiritual future, a vision for where God is taking you, a vision for your formation. A friend is not just somebody who kind of loves you in general, but has

a vision for who God is making you. So first of all, let me just write this down, let's see. In other words, a friend is someone who has a vision for your formation. Secondly, a friend is someone who has a vision for Christ being formed in you. And thirdly, a friend is somebody who's willing to go into labor pains for it all. Now, number one, first of all, dear children, for whom I'm again in the pains of childbirth till Christ is formed in you. Now, the Bible tells us a couple things. The Bible tells us, for example, in Ephesians 2, that God is forming you. It says in Ephesians 2, we are his workmanship,

created by God for good works, that he has created beforehand for us to walk in. That's amazing, because in Ephesians 2, 10, Paul is saying, you are God's workmanship, which means you're a work of art. God is shaping you and forming you to do certain good deeds that only you can do. There are certain people that only you can help.

There are certain things that only you can accomplish. There's a uniqueness about you, and God is forming you into somebody who can do those unique things. Then when you get to 1 Corinthians 15, it goes beyond that. 1 Corinthians 15, there's 41, there's a great little verse that says,

star differs from star in splendor. And it's a chapter on the resurrection. When Jesus Christ shows up after the resurrection, people do not recognize him. Remember? Every time he shows up, Rodeo Emmaus, stuff like that, they don't recognize him until he says, basically, it's me. And then they look and they say, it is you. Imagine, imagine you haven't seen a little girl since she was six. Now she's 26. Now she is an incredibly beautiful young woman.

And what if you haven't seen her since she was six? So somebody walks up to you, and maybe you knew her real well, maybe you babysat her or something like that. She walks up to you and says, do you know me? You say, no. You say, I wish I did. No.

And she says, it's me. It's you know, and gives you the name. And you look. Now it's the same thing as with Jesus. You look and you say, it is you. You can see it. Yes, of course, I see it. The 26-year-old is continuous with the 6-year-old.

It is the same person. New noses, new ears haven't shown up. You see, new organs haven't shown up. You see, new organs haven't come. I mean, it was all there. You know, you were the acorn, now you're the tree. Everything in the tree was in the acorn. And yet, on the other hand, look at how glorious you are compared to where you were. Now, here's…the Bible is saying that there is a unique splendor that's in store for us. God is forming us. C.S. Lewis puts it like this. On the one hand, he says, to burst into God's presence is to become a radiant, blindingly

immortal person who actually pulsates throughout with energy and such love and wisdom and joy that we cannot now imagine. And then he says, we are to become bright stainless mirrors reflecting back to God, though on a smaller scale, his own boundless wisdom, joy, nobility, greatness, and delight. Now, that's exactly right. Because of who you are, God is turning you into a bright stainless mirror that will mirror, that will reflect back part of his glory.

See, it goes along with spiritual gifts. Every one of us is being turned into a specialist in the glory of God. A certain aspect of his own great glorious being, we're gonna be able to reflect. There are certain things that we're gonna be able to praise him for better than other people. And they're gonna be able to praise him better than you.

And all together, we're gonna be able to reflect his glory. You know, if you take a single candle, just a candle, and surround it with mirrors, the room is absolutely 10, 20, 100,000 times more brilliant. You see, and what God is preparing us for is he's preparing us to be not lights ourselves, we're not gods, but we are the image of God. And he's polishing us. He's getting rid of all of our flaws, all of our sins, all of those things that will keep us from being the unique, splendid reflection of his glory that he's creating us to be.

Now, here's what a spiritual friend is. A friend is a person who's got a gift, an ability, an insight, a special insight into what God is making you. Now this is just something that is, this is just the case. Over the years, I'm actually kind of in a position to see this maybe better than many people because I'm a pastor and people are always coming to me and saying, you know, here's my life, figure it out.

And I'll sit down and I'll ponder and I'll listen and I'm trying to see what God is doing in a person's life and there's just no doubt, there are some people I can nail. There's some people that I know and you know that I just, I seem to be able to understand you. I see what God is doing. And when you're a little bit off,

I'm able to put you back on. And there's others of you I don't get. And it's not a matter of how wise a counselor I am. It doesn't matter how much I've studied. It doesn't matter. There are some people, but it's not just me. It's you too. There are some people that God has gifted you to understand well. There are some people who God has given you the ability to see their glory, to see where they're going, to get a vision for their greatness. There's people who have that insight about you,

and there's people that you have that insight about, and you desperately need each other. Because the Bible says, Proverbs says, as iron sharpens iron, friend sharpens friend. You know what that means. That means that God is forming us through each other. And if you, gee, I don't know how to put this. A friend, therefore, is a person with the gift to understand your particular

greatness and where God is taking you and a commitment to it. A friend is somebody not only has that gift, but gets excited about committing to that. Says, I want to be part of that. A friend is like that not only has that gift, but gets excited about committing to that. He says, I want to be part of that. A friend is like a gardener. Gardeners do not over prune and cut, cut, cut, cut. They kind of let things grow. On the other hand, they don't let things grow wild either. A friend is a gardener.

A friend sees that God is doing something with you. Now before we move on to the second and third point, that's the first point. A friend is somebody who God gifts to see where you're going through whom, through your friends, God makes a tremendous amount of God's work informing you and making you who he's trying to make you and shaping you through friends. Now, you know, this implies a couple of things.

First of all, this implies you do not know yourself properly. Illustration, I always use. Everybody laughs. Everybody knows that it seems to work. That's why I keep using it. If you stop laughing, I'd stop using it. It's like the rat in the pellet. Every time I say it, everybody says, oh, this is, and I keep doing it.

Have you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder? You listen to yourself and you say, that doesn't sound like me. And everybody else in the room says, it sounds just like you. See, I'm gonna do it again. Now, the reason why you can't believe it is because the fact is you can't hear yourself

from the inside. You have no idea what your voice sounds like from the inside. Everybody else does. You say, who's that whiny person? They say, that's you. Now it's the same thing all the way around. There are some things that you know better than your friends. Some things about you that you know better than your friends and there's some things

that your friends know better than you do. And you've got to be together. How can we best understand the freedom we have in Christ? What is the relationship between the law of the Bible and the grace that Jesus offers? In the book, Galatians for You, Tim Keller takes you through a rich and deep study of Paul's letter as he reflects on the amazing grace we have in Christ. Galatians is a powerful book that shows how people can think they know the gospel but are actually losing touch with it. In this study of the book of Galatians, Dr. Keller helps you understand how this short book in the New Testament can transform your life.

Galatians for you is our thanks for your gift to help Gospel in Life share the love of Christ with more people. Request your copy today at gospelinlife.com slash give. Now here's Dr. Keller with the remainder of today's teaching. So it assumes you can't just make decisions by yourself. You can't grow by yourself. You just can't, you need friends. It assumes something else, and this is what's great

It assumes that friends are not just people that you create But that you discover There has to be a balance I'll get back to this in about five minutes There has to be a balance between this on the one hand. You can't be passive. You can't just say well friends will happen No, no, you have to work very hard at friends. By the other hand, you can't create them out of nothing. Friends have to be discovered. Friends are people with a gift. Because friendship, unlike other relationships,

unlike any other kind of relationship, friendships are not so much about the relationship, they're about something else. Friendships are not incredible, they're not always sitting around saying, how are we doing, are we good friends? See, when you're falling in love, you're constantly talking, do we love each other? How much do we love each other?

Friends don't do that. Friends click because they have the same vision, they're going the same direction, they both love the same things, they have common loves. Friends do come to love each other, of course they come to love each other, but in the beginning, they come to love each other almost secondarily because what happens is they love the same things. They love the same Lord. They love the same games. They love the same paintings. They love the same things.

You see. And therefore, you discover friends. You have to look for them. But here's the neatest part of all. What this means is God is choosing your friends, you have to look for them. But here's the neatest part of all. What this means is, God is choosing your friends for you. There's this great spot in C.S. Lewis where he says this, for a Christian, this is in his book Four Loves, and this is his chapter on friendship. He says, for a Christian, there are strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies is at work. Christ who said to the disciples, ye have not chosen me, I have chosen you, can truly say to every group of Christian friends,

ye have not chosen one another, I have chosen you for one another. The friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. Friendship is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of the others. Your friends have no greater beauty than other friends. Your friends have no greater beauty than other people, but by friendship, God opens your eyes to their particular beauties. They are, like all beauties, derived from him and then, in a good friendship, increased by him through the friendship itself. They are, like all beauties, derived from him and then, in a good friendship, increased

by him through the friendship itself. At this feast, it is he who has spread the table and he who has chosen the guests." Now, that's the first. Isn't that wonderful? So that's wonderful. Now the first thing is a friend is somebody with the gift and the commitment to see what God is doing in you. Formation. A friend is committed to your formation. Secondly, and thirdly, now the second and third kind of go together because there are two opposite

mistakes you can fall into about this. And the second and third principles, in a sense, correct those two opposite mistakes. So first of all, a friend is somebody who's committed to your formation and your greatness. Secondly, a friend is somebody who's committed to your formation and your greatness. Secondly, a friend is someone who's committed to seeing Christ formed in you, not him or herself. Now this is the first mistake. As opposed to really trying to see Christ formed in your friend, it is incredibly easy.

And very, very often, your purpose in your relationships is not to see Christ formed in your friend. It is incredibly easy, and very, very often, your purpose in your relationships is not to see Christ formed in your friends, but to see you, it is your own formation. Now there's various ways on this, and I don't have time to go into them. Sometimes you're making friends to see you formed in that friend.

You need confirmation, you need worship, you need adoration, you need people depending on you, you need people who think you're wonderful and think everything you're saying is wonderful and never criticize you and never come after you. You don't want Christ formed in them then. See? You're in labor trying to get you, you know, you're trying to have yourself formed in them. But it's also possible, and this sounds almost like the opposite, but this is under the same

heading. Instead of seeking, it's also possible that you get involved with other people, not so much to form yourself in the other person, but to form yourself through the other person. Your whole purpose in friendship in many cases is not to see Christ formed in that person, but for you to get a self. Now what I mean is, you may get into relationships where you're trying to get yourself formed in people. I just said that.

Where you're trying to get this confirmation, people who look up to you and think you're great and never contradict you and so on. People who are always confirming you, stroking you, always saying that you're great. It's great to have affirmation, but you see that person, well, what you're really not doing at that point is really seeing Christ formed in them.

You're trying to see yourself formed in them. But on the other hand, some people are so doggone needy that the reason that you're involved in friendship is simply because unless I get some really cool people to like me, I don't know who I am at all. I won't feel like I have any significance. So what you're really trying to do is you're trying to form a self through them. You're trying

to form yourself in them or you can be forming yourself through them, either way. Now, let me give you an example. Let me give you a test to see whether this is happening. As I mentioned before, it is right and necessary to have jealousy in romantic relationships and in family relationships. It is right for fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters to be jealous, in a sense, in a good way. I can't go into all this. It's right for lovers to be jealous because there's a certain exclusivity and intensity to those relationships, the way the loves work. But the mark of a real friendship, the mark of a friendship in which you're committed to each other's formation in Christ, the mark of that is that you're happy to

keep expanding the circle. If you can just find other people who can, in other words, here's two people that want to be friends. The best way you can be friends is to find a third person and a fourth person and a fifth person who can be friends with a circle. And here's the reason why. Because Lewis in his Four Loves book has an awful lot of great stuff on that. He says he was part of a circle of friends and when Charles Williams, who was one of the circle, died,

he suddenly realized he lost the part of J.R.R. Tolkien, who was another member of that circle, who he called Ronald. He said, when Charles died, I didn't just lose Charles, I lost the way Ronald responds to Charles' jokes. Nobody could make Ronald react the way Charles could, and when Charles died, I lost part of Ronald. You know, when Barnabas comes to Antioch, I looked at this this morning in a sermon, in Acts chapter 11, everybody comes, all the new Christians, they come up and they say,

you're the best preacher I ever heard. And he becomes their friend. He tries to see Christ formed in them. How? Not by saying, great. Now you come and listen to me every week. He went out and got Saint Paul, who was a better preacher. He gave him another friend.

He enlarged the circle. See, a real friendship where you're trying to see Christ formed in other people as opposed to you yourself, or trying to see yourself formed in other people, is not going to be jealous at all. Instead, you're going to be continually trying to expand the circle, trying to augment your friendship and your loves, trying to get more people into it.

But they have to have the gift. See, they have to have, they have to be the kindred souls. They have to click. They have to have the same ability to see, to see the beauties in the, in the circle. And so that's, that's, so that's the second point. The second point is you have to be committed not just to formation, but to the formation of Christ. Oh dear children, for whom I again in the paints of childbirth till Christ is formed

in you. Christ is formed. Now thirdly, a friend is committed to the glory of your formation. Secondly committed to Christ being formed in you. Thirdly, willing to go into labor. Now, why does Paul use this metaphor which makes most of us guys feel a little queasy as we think about it? Why does he do it? And the answer is he's in labor, why? Because he's confronting them. You see, he says, I'm in labor. I'm again in labor. See, he's not always in labor. There are times

in a friendship in which you feel like you're in labor It hurts because you're trying to give this person what they need in order to form them to see them formed in Christ Okay, and he says why I wish I could be with you now and change my tone Because I am so worried about you. I'm so distressed. I'm so perplexed. What he's saying is, I have to be hard right now, I hate it. I can't wait for the time to come when we can get together and we can weep and we can hug and these things can be worked out. But the point is, as it is very wrong to try to coerce, to force a person into being in your image, on the other hand, it's just as wrong to simply give sort of unconditional acceptance to whatever

the person is. See, modern ideas of friendship are you just sort of give them unconditional positive regard. You don't, listen, we don't need unconditional positive regard. We need counter conditional intentional regard. We need people who in spite of the stupidity, very often that happens in our lives, are committed to telling us the truth no matter what. If on the one hand, you're a bad gardener

if you're pruning too much and you're trying to form yourself in these people, or form yourself through these people. On the other hand, you're not being a good friend if you can't confront, if you won't correct, if you won't tell them the truth. You see? We need continually people, friends who will wrestle

with us to consensus about what parts of our life God is developing and what parts of our life are distortions and sins and missteps. On a secular basis, you can never make that distinction. You ever know that? If you don't believe in Christianity, how will you ever come to consensus with your friend as to what parts of the personality

should be enhanced and confirmed and developed, and what parts need to be stifled and what parts need to be removed becauseled, and what parts need to be removed, because they're pathologies, they're distortions, they're not the things that God is doing in a person's life, but they're barriers to the things that God is doing in their life. How do you know the difference?

With the word, with the spirit, with the friendship, only on a Christian basis. But sometimes you have to come and you have to say, I'm in labor, because I'm having to tell you something that I don't want to tell you. All right. Now, let's conclude with some applications, and they're pretty important. I have said that if you are willing to build this, if you're willing to build relationships

like this, then the truth that you speak to people through relationships like this will not be a sword but will be a scalpel. Really change people's lives. So, let's conclude with these applications. Number one, if you, as you get older and as you live in New York longer, you start to get tired of making new friends. Don't. Don't get tired because Christ cannot be formed within you without them.

Okay? Number one, that's maybe simple. Number two, now number two is, please keep the balance between activity and receptivity in making friends. I said that on the one hand, friends have to be discovered, not created. But on the other hand, once you discover them,

you have to work like crazy to enhance your relationship. That's what's so important to remember. And there's kinds of people that tend to go one way or the other. For example, if you make an idol out of approval, instead of discovering friends, you will go out there trying to create them. You will go out there everywhere looking for friends

and trying to make friends everywhere, and you get no friends. Because there's nothing that people, nobody wants to be friends with somebody who seems to need friends so badly. And how do you know who you are? Instead of waiting for, you know, to discover the friends that God sends you,

you're out there trying so desperately to get people to like you, and that's the reason why nobody likes you. And you know who you are? Number one, one of the ways you know that you're making an idol out of approval and therefore you don't have good friends is because look how selective you are in the people you love. If you have a, if you, you may say I believe in the gospel, I believe Jesus loves me, but

you don't if you are selective to the people you hang out with. If you absolutely insist on never hanging out with people who are less sleek than you, if you're always looking for the sleeker, the more polished, the nicer people, because you're so desperately trying to create friendships out of people who are nice and good and that you respect so that you can desperately feel better about yourself, you're never going to have friends. You know, Lewis in his book at one point says, friendship is about something besides friendship. You'll never have friends if you're just looking for friends. If you're the kind of person who always seems to be very selective, if you're the kind of

person, by the way, who's always getting your feelings hurt, always feeling snubbed, always getting upset that people treated you improperly, you are a person who's making not a lot of approval, and you are a person who probably doesn't have friends, you need to become more receptive. You need to basically start loving people unselectively, and God will surface your friends. They may not be the people right away that you want. If you make an outlawed approval, somebody might show up that clearly is your friend, and they're not cool.

Oh my gosh, they're not cool. Now what? But you see, you don't know who they're going, see, that's the problem. Your problem is that you have cut out all kinds of people. You have screened them out. You walk into a room, you see five people, and three of them aren't cool, so you screen them out. You have no idea. The people who

might know you best, might be the best friends in the world, they haven't made the first cut. So you need to realize that God, listen, you need to, what should we do? You say, well, what do I do? Start to serve people and love people non-selectively. Love the people in your road. Love the people in your road. Love the people you come up to. Just stop being so self-absorbed and saying, do they like me?

Is this the kind of person that I wanna be friends with? And stop thinking about it and your friends will surface. So in other words, I'm trying to, in your case, say, be a little bit more receptive. Be a little less active. On the other hand, some of the rest of you are too passive. You're saying, well, if God's going to give me friends, they ought to give me friends.

And what you really are is you're lazy. And here's what you need to do. You know people that it click with. You know they're out there. You see people like that. And you're just too busy. But you're not just too busy. You're a coward.

Okay? And therefore, what should you do? Share. Share your time, share your feelings. Share your possessions, share your burdens. Share your decisions, okay? Share your feelings, share your time, share your possessions, share your burdens and your problems, share your decisions.

Be accountable, be vulnerable, take the time, you see. And those people who God clearly has made friends, you can see that they're there, but you're not getting the benefit out of it. So some of you are too receptive and some of you are too active. Know who you are. Some of you make a not a lot of approval,

so you're too active. Know who you are. Some of you make a not a lot of approval, so you're too active. Sit back, love people, your friends will show up. Some of you make a not a lot of independence. Independence, you're afraid to be vulnerable, you're afraid to be accountable. Get out there. Be disciplined. Take five or six people that you know

probably have the gift of being your friends and go after them and be friends Tell them what you like about them Okay Here's the last thing and somebody's gonna say this is dirty. I can't believe you you open this can of worms in the last two minutes All right, if friendship is this important a Lot of you're single a lot of you think about, should I marry this or that person? Make sure your romance, make sure romance boots off of friendship, not friendship off

romance. Make sure that the person that you are falling in love with, you know, could be the very best friend in the world. The way it works in our culture is you walk in a room and you see 10 people of the opposite sex and you screen out about six. Because they're not sexually attractive to you. Then you fall madly in love with somebody

and then you realize, boy, if I'm gonna marry this person, this person needs to be somebody I really click with in terms of friendship. This ought to be somebody whose mind I love and who brings out the best in me and there's creative conflict in the best possible way. And I see the great things God has done. You know what? It could be that the people who most likely could be both your friends

and your lovers didn't make the first cut. Because you start with romance and hope maybe this person can be a friend instead of starting with friends and then saying, almost, not always, but very often, you see, from friendship to romance, I think, generally speaking, is easier than romance to friendship. Not always, not always. It's a, this is very, very, very, very hard, very difficult, because the Bible actually says

your lover needs to be best friend. That's what a spouse is. And that's not easy to put together, but I'll tell you one thing, you must not put the idea of friendship on the back burner. You must not go out there basically looking for the great babe, the great hunk, and then hopefully maybe we could be friends someday. That's not the way it's supposed to work. It must not work that way.

Listen, in the second Frankenstein movie, Boris Karloff, there's a very, very, very odd spot where a blind man, the Frankenstein monster who's on the run, people are away, they're trying to kill him and all that, and he comes, he finds this cottage in the middle of the forest, and there's a blind man that comes out and can't see how ugly he is, and says, who are you? And of course the guy goes, and the guy says, oh, I've got an affliction, I'm blind, you've got an affliction, you can't speak. I've been praying to God that he would bring me a friend.

Thank you. Do you remember this? It's very, I think it, it's the second Frankenstein movie with Boris Karloff and he says, oh Lord God, says the blind man, thank you for sending me a friend in my incredible loneliness. And he sits down for several days, he's just friendly, friendly to the Frankenstein monster and it's the only. Friendly to the Frankenstein monster,

and it's the only place in those old original Frankenstein movies, and it's a little silly, I understand it didn't make some cuts in the very beginning. He laughs, he smiles, he hums, he never quite speaks, but he gets more human at that time than any other time, and that's perfectly appropriate. Because you see, without friends, you won't be human. But here's the great thing.

Jesus Christ says in John 15, he says, My commandment is this, he says to his disciples, love one another for I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends. For everything I have learned from my Father, I have made known to you. You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you." Now, Jesus Christ isn't blind. He sees you all the way to the bottom and he loves you anyway. And therefore, if it can humanize

you to have one person who doesn't see your flaws and your sins and just showers you with love, as incomplete as that is, how much greater would it be to have somebody know you all the way to the bottom and lay down his life for you? Well, that's what Jesus has done. And if you know him as a friend, then you have the ability and the resources to get over your idols of approval and your idols of independence and be great friends for other people. And as you are friends to these other people, your friendship with Christ will grow.

His friendship is the basis for your friendships. Your friendships are the basis for His friendship. And this goes on until we get to heaven. And as Jonathan Edwards says, what is heaven? Heaven is a world of love. Let's pray. Thank you, Father, for giving us this great and important truth that we can be spiritual mothers, that we can see

Christ formed in other people through the venue of truth-telling, loving friendship. Help us to be channels for glorious things in the lives of the people around us as we make ourselves friends even as your Son made himself our friend, our Savior, and our Lord. In His name we pray, amen. Thanks for listening to today's teaching. We trust you were encouraged by it and that it gives you new insight into how you can apply God's Word to your life. You can find more resources from Tim Keller by subscribing to our quarterly journal at

GospelAndLife.com. When you subscribe, you'll receive free articles, sermons, devotionals, and other valuable resources. We also invite you to stay connected with us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and Twitter. Today's sermon was recorded in 1998. The sermons and talks you hear on the Gospel in Life podcast were preached from 1989 to 2017, while Dr. Keller was senior pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church.