Tin Foil Hat With Sam Tripoli - Twisted With Sam Tripoli EP 11: Battling the Cobra Kai

Episode Date: April 2, 2015

Twist is back with stories of Edmonton, getting heckled by the Cobra Kai, and white rich youth! I break down the whole Trevor Noah controversy, The PC police and why I love Jim Norton! I discuss Indiana's RFRA, I fantasy about robbing an apple store, why Tim Cook is full of shit and Apple should make drinking water! Please let me know what you like, what you don't like, please Rate and Review on iTunes and tell a friend!

Oh yeah, every single today. Yeah, come down. Come down, man. Ready on the right. Yeah, calm down, n-a'li, fuck. Let go, niggins. Oh, yeah, everybody. Welcome. It's another episode of Twisted. Thanks for tuning in. I really appreciate everybody's kind words. You seem to enjoy it.

I think about 12 people listen to this. But you're a mighty 12 and I appreciate it. So what I'm looking for is maybe you guys if you like this you like the rants you like all that stuff tell your friends about it maybe get a couple people listening to it it's getting better and better you know this is only like the 11th episode of this so I'm trying my best I'm working hard on it I'm really excited to dates out of the gates very excited to be playing the the the to be playing the to be playing the to be playing the to be playing the to be playing the to the the to the to the to the the to the the to the to the the the to to to to the to to to to to to to the to thefficient to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the th I I th I I th I I th I th I th th th th th th th tha tha. tha. tha. the thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea.a. thea. thea.a. theaugh of the gates. Very excited to be in Atlanta, playing a new market. Very excited to be playing the laughing skull. If you're in Atlanta, anywhere near Atlanta, please come out. I got an hour of power for you. We're gonna be, I'm going long, ball. I'm very excited man.

I've been doing this new hour and it's been murdering stories I can tell for the rest of my life. It's only, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I th, I thi, I's thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to be to be to be to be th. I'm th. I'm th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thri, thri, thriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thri, thr-a, thi, stories I can't tell for the rest of my life. It's only these are stories I can only tell for a little longer because nobody wants to hear fun party stories from a creepy old guy and that's what we got right here, creepy old dude. So I'm going to be doing I hope you can come out. It's not big club so let's sell this. I might record a new CD out there. I th I might record this. Because I really want to do an hour special. I want to shoot my hour. The people in Edmonton at the comic strip would like me to do it up there. I would really love to do that. I'd really love it. So if you're in Atlanta all next weekend, April.

Let's see what the date is. April 9th, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I'm th, th, th, I'm th, I'm th, I'll th, I'm th, I'm th, I'm th, I'm th. I'm tho, I'll tho, I'll tho, I'll the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, I I I will, I I I I will th, I I I will th, I I I will th, I will th, I will the the the the the the th, I'll the th, I'll th, I'm th, I'm th, I'm th. Andea.ea.ea.ea.ea.ea.ea.eaugh, thea, thea.ea.ea.ea.ea.ea, I'm tha is. April, come on man, April 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th. I'm gonna be out there, or it's gonna be the 10th, 11th and 12th, one of them. I think I'm there for Thursday. So come out to a laughing skull in Atlanta, I'd love to see you. What else is new, everybody? Oh, so much change. I hope you guys enjoyed the last one. Apparently I'm butchering names still, which is fine Butchered a couple names Just happy to be back just got back from Edmonton. One of my favorite places to play Edmonton Canada. Edminton is like the 80s in the United States. I swear to God the girls are hot and the cocaine is everywhere. I don't do coke. But people let me know they had it everybody everybody everywhere, and it's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I the. I the, I their. I their. I their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm but their. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But their. But their. But their. But their. But their. But their. But. It. It. It's. It's their. It's. It's. It's. It's their. It's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the cocaine is everywhere. I don't do coke, but people let me know they had it. Everybody, everywhere.

And it's like, they're like, this is the best coke we've ever gotten. And I'm just like, wow, that's great. Thank you for saying that to a recovering coke at. I really appreciate that. Do you go up to Jenny Craig people and go to tell them how great the cake is. Everybody had Coke. Grandma had Coke. She wanted me to Coke off her tits, so that would literally be skiing because their tits look like an alpine ski jump. Everybody cocaine. It was a lot of fun. You know, of course me. I only have about 12 fans in the entire world for whatever reason. All my friends are famous and for whatever reason, because

I like to interview porn stars, everybody thought it was creepy, which I get. So I have a couple fans and one of my big fans, and now my friend is Las Vegas Kevin, he can find him on Twitter at Vegas Kevin. He came to my show and he buys every shirt I sell. Every shirt, he's had every naughty show shirt every punch drunk shirt He's had on my way he shows up. He's wearing one of the shirts and he comes to show. He's like hey triple him come to show I'm like oh man remember from last time I totally appreciate you coming so I'm doing a I'm doing my show and I have this joke about how you can't tell who's a top and who's a bottom in a gay relationship. You just can't tell tel tel tel. I tel. I tel. I tel. I tel. I the the the tel. I the the the the tell. I the the the the the the the the the the tip. I the the the the the tr. I their. I'm their you're tr. I'm tr. I'm their you're their you're the show. I'm the show. I'm the show. I'm the show. I'm the show. I'm the show. I'm the show. I's I the show. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm I'm tr. I'm tr. I'm tr. I'm tr. I'm tr. I'm tr. I'm tr. I'm true. I'm tri. I'm tri. I'm try. I'm tri. I'm tri. I'm tri. I'm tri. a gay relationship? You just can't tell.

Because you think it's the big guy, oh, I'm the big guy. I'm the little guy, right? You think the little guy might be the one always catching, but he might be a fastball, you know, and he might have a fastball, and the big guy's catching. I do a joke and I go, hey, look at these two. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I. I, I'm, I'm, I. I. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I. I'm, I'm, I. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the. the the big. the big. the the big. the the big. the the big. the the big. the big. the big. the big, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm and I regret saying that obviously but I'm in the moment by point to my friend think it would be funny adding him into the show of course he has a look of like I just took a bag of flaming dog shit and threw it at his grandma he looks horrified and I'm like only I would shit on my one of 12 fans and I had I feel bad the whole time because that's just me if I was an Indian my name would be he who shoots himself himself the one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one the the the the the the the the the the the th th th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I would th. I would th. I would th. I would thi. I would th. I would th. I would th. I would th. I would thi. I would thi. I would thi. I would the th. I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would the the the the the the the the the the th. I would to th. I would to to to to to to to to to to to to the. I'm to to be the to be the the the the the the the the the the the whole time. Because that's just me. If I was an Indian, my name would be he who shoots himself in foot. That's who I would be.

Because that's all I do is just constantly shoot myself in the foot. I shit on my one fan who buys everything I do. So, I went in after the show, I just, I tried to make, I apologize to him on stage. That's how insecure I am. I wanted to be like the 12 tribes of Israel where we lose one of them and they suddenly disappear. I gotta keep all of my fans. So like, oh, it's all cool. We went, we ate after.

He bought me lunch. I don't know, I should have bought him lunch and maybe sucked his dick after and make him feel better. Which I don't know if that'd be nice for him. He'd probably cry the whole time. Why are you doing this? So I'll let you know that we're both gay. So I went with him we ate, we went and watched the final four. It was a lot of fun.

Obviously you know from Punch Drunk Sports. I have a bet with Ari Schfeir Kentucky if they go undefeated I fart in a fart funnel Are he does a fat hit off my fart if not goes the other way So I'm performing I'll get into this one night I'm starting to become by the way. I love meet and greet and after show, but I'm really honestly starting to become a germopop. I I I just I want a meeting. I'm so thankful to anybody who laughs in my jokes. I want to thank th. th. th. th. th. T. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thin thin thin thin thin that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I'm that. I that. I that. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th is th. th is th is th. th is th. I th. I th. I th is th is th. I th. I th is th is th is th is th is th is th. I th is that. I the. I the. I the. I the. I to the the that. that. that. thateeat. thateea thateeat. thatea. thatea. that. that that. th just, I want a meeting, I'm so thankful to anybody who laughs in my jokes. I want to thank you after I want to meet and greet you and I'm so excited shaking everybody's hand. So after a show, you may thank and shake 200 people's hands. 200, 250 people's hands.

And you don't know who's sick. And you know what, people don't care because they enjoyed the show or they thought the show was okay so they want to thank you for it and they should they don't care if they were just sick hey man if you're the outbreak monkey don't be an asshole don't shake people's hands or that whatever I just hurt don't shake my hand don't shake my hand do the elbow thing. I'm just starting to do the elbow thing. If I could really convince white America, if we could just start doing a Japanese bow. I'm not talking about this before, but I got sick again shaking people's fucking hands. And I even when I flew in Ambitago, this is the first time I've come to this club where I wasn't sick and I literally had to go to doctor. And Dino the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the GM the g- the g- the g- the gi the gi, I the gi, I the the gi, I'm I'm th. I'm th. I'm thi, I to to to to told, I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told told to to to to to to to to to to to toe. I to toe. I thi, thi. I thi. I thi. I ty. tou. took. tip. tip. tip. tip. to to to to to to to to to to to to to the doctor and Dino the GM in the club goes it's early in the week and I'm like you mother fucker you totally jinxed me

and I got sick I'm a jim howie Mandel I'm telling you right now I'm gonna just gonna hang out in a bubble after every show and just bubble boy it and have people taking pictures of me in a giant bubble after the show because I'm creepy like that. I'm creepy. It is weird, right? So I'm a gumerphob. I'm a real gimmer show. The comic strip rocks.

I might feel my special day. I'm really thinking about it, just because that crowd gets it. All the crowds were great. Even the weird crowds were really good, except for the Saturday Night Show. And the Saturday Night Show is always great. I've done the comic strip about four or five times. And in that four times, I've never had an unfun show. And even the late night Saturday show wasn't unfun, it was just war. You know, and I'm like kind of considered like the greatest bar gig comic of all time,

which really means nothing. It really, it's about as important as being the guy who can solve Rubik's Cube the quickest. You know, nobody gives a fuck. That's a great skill to have, but nobody really cares. Oh, look, I could do the Rubitz Cube in 30 seconds. Hey, nobody cares, Dorkface. I'm great in bars. Nobody cares. I'm great in bars. I was born and raised in bars. I started doing comedy in Las Vegas in bars.

At the time in the mid-90s, when I started doing comedy, I couldn't play any of the comedy clubs in the Vegas casinos because they we were too edgy for them and they would hire hack comics out of Vegas fly an opener in who is clean and would be doing the you know their clean observational what's up with that that's what Vegas like the time I couldn't get in the clubs so I had to start my own comedy scene and I would have to play bar gigs and I would get a different bar gig every night and I would go a different bar gig every night, and I would go into different rooms, and I would host my shows, and it was like a black night. I would do a black comedy night where the host would do like 30 minutes in between each

comic. And I just really got good at doing comedy, not only doing comedy, but dealing with hecklers and just be, I became basically Patrick Swayzee of Roadhouse. I would go in and just start regulating tough rooms and I'd be like left boot you know and I'd see a knife and I'd just take them out and that's I I take pride in that so not only where I grew I was great bargings then I get hired at the comedy store and now for the first two years of my life I swear I had to follow Andrew Dice Clay Joe Joe Rogan, and Eddie Griffin. Every night I did stand up.

Every night. That's all Midsie would put me up after. I would have to follow monsters and I'm telling you, all doing an hour. These kids at the comedy store now, they haven't made. The most somebody does is 20 minutes before people start bitching. Back in the day, Rogan would do an hour and 15 in the OR. And I would have to follow that dude. When he was doing Fear Factor and shit was going, it was before the podcast, but he was pretty big on Fear Factor. Dice would come in, I know I said this before on this podcast. He would come in and every day he would look for my name on the sheet and bump me and do an hour and that watch me see if I can follow.. the the the the the the the the their... their. th. And their. And th. And th. And th. And I th. And I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'd th. I'd thi. I'm. I'd to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to bea. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. t. And. t. t. t. t. t to. to. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. the. the sheet and bump me and do an hour and then watch me see if I can follow him and I was a knuckle and I talked shit about him because I was stupid and we had our beef when we've squashed and I really love Androdec Clay now I

think I'm really happy you got the show time show and I really hope he puts air I put Kerrigan on there because she's really Eleanor Kerrigan is one of the the funn't the the show show show show show show show show show show show show show show show show show show show the the the to put. to put. to to to to to to to to. I I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I's. I's. I's. I's. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. I. I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm to. I'm t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. to. the. I'm the. I'm the.anor Kerrigan is one of the funniest people I know and it's so weird and we'll get in the female comics in a few but you know she's really funny he's great but I'd have to follow monsters so the Saturday Night show comes and up pulls and I kind of talked about some punch struck but up pulls a Hummer limousine as a comedian the only thing worse than a drunk bachelor party is someone pulling up to a county club and a Hummer limousine.

That's it. Which by the way, your Hummer limousine, isn't that cool. It's really just a bus. You just took Greyhound to the show. It's really not that bad ass. But pulls up Humor limousine, who gets off a rich, good-looking white kids. And I'm not one of these people like, fuck white guys, they're piece shits, but these

guys were piece shits. By the way, women were gorgeous. These two chicks that got off with this group, I have never seen anyone this attractive. I mean, these girls were drop dead, gorgeous. They looked like they fart butterflies. That's how hot they were. This. This. This. This. This. This th. This th. This the the thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, thi, thi, their their thi, their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, their, their, th, th, th, thi. And I thi. And I thi. And I thi, thi, thi, thuui. Fogui, fucks, fucks, fucks, fucks, fuck, fuck, thui thi thi thi thi, thi. Fogui, thi. F mean, these girls were drop dead, gorgeous. They looked like they fart butterflies. That's how hot they were. This chick could fart unicorn dust into my face, and I would thank her for it. She had the longest, sexiest legs I've ever seen. And they were all coked out of their mind. And I'm doing stand-up and no one will shut up. And it's literally like, literally they had the vibe of every bad guy from a teen tine tine tine tine tine tine tie tie tie tine tine thine thin thin thin, and thin, and thin, and I thin, and I they had, they had the vibe of every bad guy from

a teen comedy flick from the 80s. You know what I'm saying? Like you remember Chet from Weird Science, that kind of duchy vibe? Or maybe, or maybe the, how about the rich white guys challenging the race from, uh, do, say anything? Or how, no, they were just basically, the race from do say anything or how no they were just basically the Cobra Kai. The Cobra Kai had come to my comedy show and took up a whole table and they brought their hot ass girlfriends. Everybody's coaked out of their mind because it's Emitton and

they can't shut up during the show. And I'm just doing whatever I can to shut these guys up and I would just start doing stand up and then they would start to up. up up I up. to shut up I up. to shut up. the up. to shut up. their their their. their. I their. I their. I their. I'd s. I'd s. I'd just just s. I'd just just s. I'd just shut up. I'd just shut up. I'd just shut up. I'd just shut up. I'd just shut up. I'd just just just just just just just just shut up. I'd just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. I'd. I'd just just just just just just just just just. I'd. I'd just shut up. I'd just shut up. I'd just shut up. I'd just shut up. I'd shut up.. I'd shut up. I'd s. I'd s. I'd s. I'd s. I'd s. I'd s. I'd s. to shut. to shut. to to the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. I can to shut these guys up and I would just start doing stand-up and then they would start talking I would just pound on them They would shut up. I'd start doing it and then they would start talking again Because they're coaked out of their minds and that's one thing people coke heads like to do they like to talk They like to make business decisions Coaked out their fucking skull, so, so, so, so, so I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm like, their their their their they's like. they're like. they're liked out. they're liked they're liked they're like liked they're liked they're liked they're liked. they're like they like they like they like they're liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked they're liked coked they're liked coked. Ced they're like they're like they're like they're like they're coked. C anyways, we start doing our show. It was a really funny situation. I had this one hot chick from another show, come up and I do this thing where I do a dirty ventriloquist. And I'd ask earlier in the show who, if anyone here would admit they shit their pants.

And the first time in my life, a smoking hot nine admitted she had shit her pants and I found that very respectful and I was like that's very cool of you you'll admit that you shit your pants I don't know I just have respect for that as well because when we'll never admit they shit their pants I do joke about you ever hear women have have a good I shit my pants story you never hear it this girl miss you should and she was smoking hot and I called up to be my thumb the friend's to to to to to to to to to to the girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she shit and she was smoking hot. I called up to be my dummy and her friend is like, her friend's like, that girl shit her pants and I go, this chick is so hot, I would eat the peanuts out of her asshole.

That's how hot she is. I would literally eat the peanuts out of her butt hole. That's how I'm like, you don't understand the scumbag you're thing, and all of a sudden, this fucking guy just goes, you suck. And I finished my show and I fucking lay into this guy. And this guy, I thought he was sitting the whole time. Turns out he was standing. He's about five, four of just pure duche.

And every moment of this guy's life, he was a dush. When he was in kindergarten, he didn't let the kids play with his toys. When he was in grade school, he made fun the fat kid. When he was in high school, he picked on the gay kids. When he was in a frat guy, he made all the, uh, all the pledges, suck his dick because he's a dushbag. He thinks he's a letterman. This guy's a dushbag the whole time. Just to let you know how he's dressed.

He's dressed like he teaches salsa dances to cougars who don't get fucked by their husbands anymore. That's his fucking total vibe. And I let him know that. You, my friend, are a douchebaugh. And I turn to his chick, the chick who is a smoke squirm, I go, I go, ma'am, you're wasting your pussy on this guy. Your pussy could do way better. By the way, this guy's got such a fucking duchy ego. He's gonna cheat on you because he's a selfish paric. You should fuck, you should fuck doctors who work at children's hospitals. Use your pussy for good, not evil. Cheated looked at me like I was a fucking asshole.

Just, I don't get why you pay $25 to go to a show and heckle the comedian. Then on top of that, if you weren't duchy enough, he does the ultimate douche move, he challenges me to a fist fight. Who fights the comic? Are you the guy that goes to the children's party and fist fights the clown, you doucheback? It's the problem is his kid's entitled. He's rich kid. His pa- The problem was two good-looking people fucked 20 years ago and had a little dushbag baby.

And at no point anyone taught him, hey man, you're acting like a little fucking duch. You know, I wish I could be a dude. I'm gonna be honest you, I wish I could be a dude. I wish I was entitled. I'm not that way. I'm not. I wasn't born with silver spoon in my mouth. I have this weird theory and I might lose everybody on this one. But if you know, if you're you I you I you I you of depress you because you just wish you came from money and all that stuff, you know, you shouldn't blame your parents and you shouldn't blame your grandparents. Really if you want to blame anybody, blame your ancestors from the 1700s, the 1700s, 1800s, maybe early 1900s. Because that's when everything really was being built. Infrastructure. If they'd stop being shoe cobblers and built a fucking railroad, you might be a billionaire right now. Your lazy ass fucking ancestors are the reason why you're not drowning in money

right now. If they stop being blacksmiths and built hotels, why do you think Paris Hilton's rich and entitled? Because a couple generations ago, someone got smart and started building hotels because people got to sleep somewhere when they're in a new town. Her ancestors got it. And then over time, the genes, really aggressive men started banging really hot chicks, and then the genes got ruined and now they have nothing but shiny object retarded kids. That's really what it is. And that's my whole thing. It's so funny when everybody

wants to talk about, you know, the whole thing about Mars is conspiracy theory is that we want to go to the moon and we want to colonize it with our best of the best. Which you know what they're they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're going. they're going. they're going they're going they're going to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the th. thi. their their their their their their their their the with our best of the best. Which you know what they're going to bring. They're going to bring the smartest and brightest and the sexiest. And the sexiest always ruin the genes. Always. You look at pro athletes. These pro athletes bang models, their kids are best D3 players at best.

Same thing with a smart guy. Smart guys bang super models. Their kids are best D3 players at best. Same thing with smart guys, smart guys bang super models, their kids are retarts. So if you're broke and you're not doing no, don't blame your parents, blame your ancestors. Go on to Ancestory.com, go back to 1700s, see who fucked you. So that's my story. I don't know where that went. I feel like people are just staring at me at this point. Uh, so basically they didn't like my comedy, which gets me into the big thing going on now, right? Everybody's talking about Trevor Noah and all those tweets and should he be the host of the Daily Show, which is kind of an interesting thing because the Daily Show really is the progressive tonight show. It's for progressives.

It's a very cherish institution. And when they pick Trevor Noah, I'm going to be honest with you, he's not my cup of tea. But that doesn't mean anything. Congratulations to anyone who could get that gig. I personally would have loved to see an El Magical get it. That's just my opinion. I thought El Magical was really great. Trevor Noah is his own thing. It's not my thing. That doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to work. It's just it. It's just the th. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. to to to to to the. to to to to to thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. to to to to to to th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. anyways, Trevor gets named this, which is really weird.

My girlfriend thinks he's fucking somebody out of the show. That's how he got the gig, because he was only on it a couple times. But as soon as he gets named, Firestorm starts. Firestorm starts about tweets he put out. A couple were about fat chicks. And by the way, uh, my friend Joe Bartnik has a great saying about why you don't put fat chicks in power because fat chicks have too many access to grind and they just want to take it out on the world and I think this is part of it.

Isama a cup of tea. I can't stand the political correct police. You know, and I just think this whole, somebody said about Jews right here. Here it is. Wow, retweet. Trevor Noah, the Jews don't trust them, but what can you do? Okay, that's a really weird thing. But let's get into the comedy police. One of the guys who seems to be really offended by this is a guy, Matt McIwicks. Last name, you spelled M-A-C-O-W-I-A-K.

You can find this guy on Twitter at Matt McElwicks, whatever. Matt is offended that he would do these Jew jokes. Cannot believe he made said that about Jews. So offended. Then you go to Matt's fucking Twitter account and you find out that this political correct police officer here, if you go to his website, he's actually sponsoring, he's actually sponsoring the Go Fund Me account for the pizzeria that has said it won't do gay parties, won't do gay weddings, which is hilarious. I'm going to tell you one thing, gay people aren't ordering pizza for their wedding.

So you're making a stand that doesn't matter. But the fact that this guy's so offended by these jokes, but then at the same time this mother fucker can call out this guy for doing a religious joke that he doesn't agree with. And the truth of the matter is what I think this is, is this is somebody who's really pissed that Trevor Noah got the job and wants the job. This is somebody who represents somebody who they want to get the job trying to get him out of the position of the, get their, the daily, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th, th, th, th, th.....a, th.a, th.a, that, that, thathe, thathe, thathe, that, that, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, and, and, tho, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, tho, tho, and, the, and, the, and, th................. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, that, that, that, that, that, that, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the get them out of the daily show so their their guy can get the show. The political correctness please I don't agree with any of it. I don't agree

with political correctness and it goes back to this blog I found on Laf Riot Girl and there's one written by this incredible duchebag his name is let me find him let me find a laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh this this this this this this this this this this this this this this thri. this this this thri. I this this this thri. I thri. I thri. I thri. I thri. I thri. I thri. I thri. I thriot thri. I thri. I thri. I can't their. I can't their. I can't their I can't their I can't their I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I I I I I I can. I I I I I I I I I I I th. I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. thi. th. thi. thi. I'm their their their their their thi douchebag. His name is, let me find him, let me find, Laf-Ri-Ker, okay, I gotta find this thing real quick. I'm pissed that's not here. This guy put out something called the Culture Wars. And the fight against the Culture Wars. What the fuck, man, why does this get kicked up? The Culture Wars.

And this guy basically goes in his name is let me find him real quick bear with me this is brought to you by MK cultured.org mk culture for all your cultural needs if you want to get spiritual go to mk culture dot org and if you're looking for weed go to LA Speedweed LA Speedweed for all your weed needs. When you need to get high in LA go to LA speedweed also check out Don Carlos tacos in the La Jolla area if you're in La Jolla and you want to and you're interested in eating some fine tacos, go to Don Carlos Tacos.

Don Carlos Tacos for all your Don Carlos tacos needs. Here's we go. Thanks for bearing with me. Here it is. Notes on the Cultural War by a guy named Chris Wood Oliver. Chris Wood Oliver thinks that we should, we, that we should basically, you can find this guy, it's called Laugh Riot Girl. I like the Laugh right festival, it's really great. Don't agree with this guy at all.

He basically doesn't think that white comics should be allowed to say anything. He, but at the end, this is such a great thing, this is so great. He calls out Daniel Tosh, he calls out Daniel Tosh in his blog, he calls out Andrew Dice Clay and Adam Corolla about how loosely they use the N word, the F word, the N word, the N word for gay guys, and the B word, and the B word, the B word for women. And he says he's just getting tired. He would have a problem with the word if it wasn't just white guy saying this.

Which did you watch the roast Justin Bieber? Do you see that thing? Yeah. Kevin Hart uses the am... and I love Kevin Hart. This is nothing anti-Kevnart. He's phenomenal. And he can say whatever he wants to. But he opens with a bunch of N-words.

Then Snoop Dog comes up, uses a bunch of N-words towards Justin Bieber and says, you ain't black because you ain't smoking weed in the back of the car. Then Kevin Hart goes up and says, you used all black people smoke weed in the back of the car. Where's he get this guy's upset about that? He's not. See, and that's the problem with political correctness, man. There's too much fine print. Some rules apply to some, some rules don't apply to the other.

And that's bullshit. And the people apply the rules are the ones who are allowed to say everything. So they want to handicap the thing. And I'm not looking to say the M-word. I would actually prefer if nobody said it. But I am just so hilarious as I'm watching Kevin Hart, great comic, did a great job in the Bieber Rose. Watching him drop M-bops and this old Lily White crowd is going crazy laughing. Now if somebody had gone up there and dropped a white guy got up there, how quickly would they turn quiet like they can't believe? It's the same word.

But because of political correctness, these are stupid rules that applies that by, how about nobody says it? Or everybody says it. Those are the words. So here's this guy. He calls out, Adam. Adam what's his face Adam Corolla and then this is why he's a pussy you know he says that white guys just say the n word the f word and the B word all the

time who he leaves out and they're hilarious comics and I'm big fans of theirs he leaves out Lewis CK he leaves out Silverman, who have huge bits using those words. He never does that because those are the cool kids. And then he actually goes in and this is my favorite part. This is my favorite part. In fact, I love a lot of con- he's bitching about white people using all these swear words. And then he goes, goes in fact I love a lot of comics who do material that I'm not always done with David Tell, Doug Stanhope,

Bill Burr, Anthony Jacklings are all pretty great comics. Really? Because they all do what you were just bitching about. But if you say anything about them and you rack on them you will be laughed out of whatever Silver Lake hipster bar you're fucking hanging out at whatever Silver Lake hipster dumpster barn you're fucking hanging out at. That's why, you have no fucking balls. If you really believe that what this bullshit you're putting out and you're blogging about, you'll be calling those guys out.

And those are four or five of my favorite comics. David Tell I think is the best comic in the country, Doug Stale's Been My Friend for my career,r's done a tum for my career, and Anthony Jazlinick's one of my friends. I have all love for them, but this guy had any fucking sack, he would fucking thoes, he won't because he'll get ran out of fucking LA. You see it with Bookers all the time. We don't like dirty comics, except for these, these guys. Because if they said they didn't like them, everyone would laugh at him. He bitches about misogyny in this guy, Chris. Chris, what is this guy's name?

Chris, oh, Chris Wood Oliver. This guy bitches about massaging. I'm gonna tell you something, dude, I've done a lot of laps around this son. I've done a lot of laps around the sun. I'm not a young man. I've seen some life. And I'm telling you, man, there is, never trust a man who tries to act like he's perfect and act like he's pure. Don't, dude, I was just hanging out with my buddy who's telling about his friends who does Christian comedy tours. They play arenas.

And when they're not gigging, they're fucking out doing cocaine, banging hookers, cheating on their fucking lives. Hey, and I'm not judging you because I've done that shit too. Okay, but I don't go up there, put up this holier than now fucking attitude and that's my problem We encourage lying too much especially marketers Marketers want to put out fucking superhuman people on television commercials make all of us feel bad that we're not as good as them even though those people when the cameras are off are scumbags just like us You know and now I have a real problem when I hear men bitch about misogynistic jokes and I'm not I'm a dude I believe in equal rights I voted for a president. Stein the Green Party the last election I vote for a woman I'm not

anti-women I believe in equal rights for equal pay I agree and all that but if you bitch about a good quality dick joke there's something wrong with you. You're a scumbag and I got my eye on you. Guys who bitch about misogyny are like the guys who go to a bachelor party and want to hug the stripper because you think that's a good back door to get laid. I'm on to you, you're a scumbbuck. I'm just tel tell theg- the- the-a you guys to to to the the they. I'm on they. I'm on they. they. they. they. they. they. they. th. th. th th th th th th th thi. the scum. thi. th th th th th th th th th th th th th the scum. the scum. the scum. You're a scum. their their their scum. their scum. their scum. the scum. the scum. the scum. the scum. the scum. the scum. the scum. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiuuu. thiu. thiu. thiu. thiu. thithese political correct police, there's something about, somebody wants this guy, Noah, to lose his job so their person can get in. They don't really give a shit about all that. And any of these people bitch about, like that guy that I just told you about, this fucking scumbag who called out, you know?

And you know what else is a big problem gone to bat for this guy, Noah. And he got in a back and forth with the lead singer of Disturbed. Dave Drummond. I know I fucked that name up. You guys can let me know on Twitter. Ah, so once again, Trevor does a Jewish joke. And he makes fun of Jews. And listen man, you know Arsha fears this really unique guy because he's like dude you could totally

make fun of Jews. Ah, sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. And of all the religions, that's the one you can make less jokes about. It's just true. I don't care if anyone gets mad. I love everybody. My girlfriend's Jewish. I've been plowing fucking Hebrew snatch for 12 years. So don't tell me shit. I've been banging a fucking Hebrew long time dog. I'm deep in the Torah. So whatever you want to say you could say. And the truth is, out of all the religions, the most sensitive are the Hebrews, the Jewish. They're very quick to go fucking the fucking the fucking the fucking the fucking the fucking the fucking the fucking the fucking the f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f- their their their their their th. th. th. I tr- tr- tr- true. I true. I'm true. I'm true. I true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm tr- true. I'm true. I'm true. I th. I true. I true. I true. I true. I true. I true. I tr- tr- true. I tr, I tr, I tr, I tr, I tr, I true. I tre. I true. I true. I true. I true. I true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. Hebrews, the Jewish. They're very quick to fucking go, one Jewish joke, suddenly everybody's goose stepping. Now, here's what I've learned about. If you bomb this country, you're just open game.

Asians and Arabs. You can just light them the fuck up. Because they bomb this country, it's just true. Pearl Harbor, 9-11, feel free to just fucking dump on them. But this guy makes a couple joke, maybe it's different in South Africa, I don't know. But you know, he makes a couple Jewish jokes and this guy, drama, it's probably Jewish, and he instantly goes to, all of a sudden, all of a sudden, now, it's gonna be goose step in time. It's gonna be goose step in time. And he calls this, anti-seseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseseman an an an an an an an an an an an an an anti-is an anti-is an anti-is an anti-is, this anti-is, this anti-is, this this this this this this this this this this this this this thi, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, thi, thi, thi, maybe, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi. thi, th-a, th-a, th-a, th-a'' time. It's going to be goose step in time.

And he's causes anti-seminism is a problem. It's a cancer that's spreading around. And Trevor Noah is helping basically spread it. And he, dude, Norton brings up a good point. Jewish jokes, don't make someone anti-smek anymore than the little bitch went and told a lie makes you a misogynist. Boom! Great point!

And this is what Jim Norton brings up, and I totally agree with him on this, is that most people think stand-up comedy should be patty cakes. And it should never have a range of feelings and emotions and texture. Meaning, like, let's say music. How many different genres of music? feelings and emotions and texture. Meaning like, let's say music, how many different genres of music are there? There's so many, there's really light and fluffy and then really dark.

Same thing with movies, really light and thi and dark. Yeah, uh, what's a great movie? Let's see, uh, fuck, I can't remember, uh, what's a funny weird movie? Uh, Shrek. You got Shrek, right? On one hand, and then you got Kill Bill on the, yeah, they're both movies, two different vibes. But nobody sees that with stand-up comedy.

Everybody thinks it should be Patty Kegs. It should be soft, fluffy and funny. No texture, no darkness. And that's why these people can't take these jokes. They're taking them literal. Are you telling me this David Drummond doesn't get sarcasm? I'm glad you know my lyrics, Jim. Music of the office now left for anger. That's a song about me being angry and an ex.

Now he's justifying it. Pretty clear that's not massaging. Really, it's th ag against th ag against th ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th it. Pretty clear that's not misogyny. Really? It's anger against one woman in particular, not all women. You're just crazy, dude. Again, the fine print that goes in with it. And he just basically lays, and dude, Jim Norn lights this guy up, and this guy basically at the end realizes, hey, okay, I'm wrong. I just don't think that we should ever, even if, dude, thuuuuuu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi,'m wrong. I just don't think that we should ever, even if, dude, imagine being

Armenian in Los Angeles. If I went fucking nuts on everybody who did an Armo joke in their set, I would be fighting everybody. It'd be one versus everyone. You gotta do, dude, if you don't like the joke, it doesn't matter. Move on. You really want to hurt a comic? Ignore him. That's the best way. You know, I want to get into this thing, hold on, about, uh, I want to get into this, you know. And the problem is, going back to this guy who wrote the stupid thing about the laugh riot and you know the culture wars. The truth is I've said on Rogan show, people want a world that plays their strengths and

outlaws their weaknesses. They want a world where what they do best thrives and what they're not good at is fucking banned. And this guy is a fucking beta. And he's a dork-ass beta. And he does dork-ass beta comedy. And this guy ever wants to come gig with me. And I really don't hate this dude. I just hate that he wrote this article. And Chris Word Oliver, if you ever want to come gig with me, come gig with me. And we'll go around, we'll play a bunch of rooms, and we'll see how your comedy thia this thua thua thua thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thi thi thum thi, thi, and we'll thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and we'll to come come come come come come come come to come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th, and we'll th th th th th th thi, and we'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thooooomoomoomoomoomba, and we'll see how your comedy does in all these rooms and then we'll listen to you make excuses on why it doesn't work. I love how you call shitty-ass comedy. Oh yeah shitty comedy does really well and some really

shitty comedy. All the guys who are successful are shitty comics. That's what sells and your brand a pure comedy, four people want to see it but it's pure so it's better. Get the fuck out of here. Again, once a world of plays with strength outlaws his weaknesses, and it's bullshit. Different strokes for different people. Whatever you want to do, we consenting adults, have fun with it. And when we get these people cry all the time about dumb thuass jokes, the lead singer of Disturbed or this fucking beta that wrote the stupid ass blog. When we get that man you just get the crying wolf that's all it is you're just crying wolf and you make it less and less less people care so when something really happens people just go ho-hom and they move on because

they've heard it a thousand times so it's just ridiculous. Indiana we'll get into this. I know they've heard it a thousand times. So it's just ridiculous. Indiana, we'll get into this. I know you guys have heard Indiana. We got a couple minutes left. Well, we got 25 minutes left. We'll finish it out on this. The Indiana, the Religious Freedom Rights Act, basically, fuck that shit. Unbelievable. It is 2015 and we're still

dealing with this shit. I mean, we're dealing with people wanting religion over a common sense. And I'm a spiritual guy. I want to play something for you. This is my opinion about all these people who think they can rule over other people. I'm going to play this real quick. It's Carl Sagan's pale blue dot. I want you guys hear about because this is what I feel about everybody who thinks they control everybody and they're all the masters and the dictators and all that stuff, so enjoy this. From this distant vantage point, the earth might not seem of any particular interest.

But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you love. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you love. Everyone you know.

Everyone you ever heard of. Every human being, whoever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering. Thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines. Every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization. Every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there on the

motive dust suspended in a sunbeam. The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood, spilled by all those generals and emperors, so that in glory and triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless pruities visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner. How frequent their misunderstandings. How eager they are to kill one another. How fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great, enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. The earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate.

Visit? Yes. Settle. Not yet. Like it or not, for the moment, the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me it underscores our responsibility to deal

more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the only home we've ever known. The pale blue dot. You and you think you know everything. I think it's some book that is written by man. You could treat people like that. We're all the same. We're all the same, man. We all like stuff a little different. We're all in the way. Because what two guys, two people?

They're in love you can't eat at your fucking pizza? Go fuck yourself. I'm not very intellectual right now. I love that video Pail Blue Dot if you guys ever have videos you want me to play I love to play them I love that stuff I need to hear that stuff it gets me through Yeah, we're just gonna destroy the planet aren't we? I just think it's stupid. I think as a business person and I kind of talked about to some pun shunct the other day the notion that you would deny gay people the rights I I I I I I I I I I I I I to to bring to bring to bring to bring to bring to bring to bring to bring to bring to b to bring to b to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi thi thi thi to to to to to to thi thi thi thi the. I the. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. I thi. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the the the the toe toe the the the toe the the the the the the the the the th about to some pun shrunk the other day. The notion that you would deny gay people the rights to bring you business is ridiculous. Why would you not want those gay bucks?

Gay bucks. Gay people have more money than anyone I know. Because most of them don't have little kids that they got to spend all the money on. You should go through West Hollywood. It's awesome. Everyone's got great cars in great shape. Dress nice. Because they got disposable income.

It's just bad business. Besides a morally stupid and disrespectful, and not right and prejudice. If you just take all that out, it's just bad business. Why wouldn't you want gay dollars? Those guys spend money. If I could get the gay community to like me, I'd be set.

They buy stuff. They're good people. Who cares what they do with consenting adults? If it's consenting adults, have a good time. In Indiana, acting like it's doing everybody a, like, oh, like we, like going to your state is a goddamn privilege. I don't have anything against Indiana, but you're delusional. And if you're gay, move out of Indiana. Come to West Hollywood. Go to Palm Springs, where the anal is encouraged. Have a great time. Be like the bee from the Blind Mellon video.

Find your tribe, dance around in funny costumes. Get out of fucking Indiana, where they're just idiots. I mean, dude, uh, and the pizza place, like I said, what's it called? Memories? Pizza? Moments or Memories, pizza? I don't even know. I'm trying to find it.

I just hate that the, and they're trying to say, no, this is the anti-gay. This is our religious belief. Trust me. People will take religious belief. They'll take anything and turn it that's against religion. A great example are the two twins, Tyra and Tamara Maori. M-O-W-R-Y. Do you remember they used to have that show Sister Sister Sister. Do you remember that show? Well, for the longest time they used to just get pounded on in Hollywood because they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. they th. th. th. T th. T th. T thed it thed it tip tip tiped it tiped it tiped it tiped tiped turned it tiped tiped tu turned turned turned turned turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn tip tip tip tip tip tip tip tip tip tip tiped. tiped. thu tiped. thu the the thi the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tipped tipedto just get pounded on in Hollywood because they never tipped. They would go places spend hundreds of dollars and never tip and then people be like why don't you tip? You know what they said? Religious reasons. Where in the Bible does it

say thou shal not tip? No where, but they spun it because they're cheap assholes You got a TV fucking show tip the boss boy Take care of the waiter you got a bad sitcom two twins. They don't know what to do shit gets crazy give a dollar you're an asshole Two twins, they don't know what to do. Shit gets crazy. Give a dollar! You're an asshole! I don't know how to do, blah, blah, I'm not a tipper. Yeah, you're an asshole. And now, this is so funny.

Now, Apple's come out against it. Did you see that? Apple, Tim Cook, he's gay. And he's now against RFRA, and I agree with him. But I find it funny that Apple is talking about basically human rights when you're making fucking iPhones in China with slave labor. That's really interesting, Tim. Really worried about your fellow man there, aren't you buddy? You're making gazillions of freaking dollars and you're worried about whether you can order pizza in Indiana. That's kind of interesting.

Apple's so interesting. I went to Apple the other day because I wanted to get a new battery for my phone. And I went there and it was in Canada. And I go, how much would it cost for a new battery for my iPhone 5? They go, I don't know, $100? I go, excuse me? They go, it's $100. I go, it's $100. I go, thou' for a battery, they're like, yeah. I go, wow, man, that sounds like robbery to me. That's crazy. And so I started thinking, man, I could pay $100. Or I could just take this battery right now and walk out and who the thuk is the the the the the fuck is going the tham's tham, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, stop me? Have you said, is the army a

dorks going to rise up and stop me? Is it the Legion of Freaking Nerds? The band of, I don't know, you know what I'm saying, but who's going to stop me? There's no security there? I'll go one on everyone. I'll be Bruce Lee like he walks into the the bad guy's dojo and I'll fuck everybody up. Well you shouldn't th you they shouldn't they shouldn't they shouldn't they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they'll th. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, I'll they'll they'll thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll they're thi. I'll they're the. I'll they're the. I'll theeeeeean thean theean theeean theean theeeee. I'll the. I'll the. I'll the. I'll the. I'll be Bruce Lee like he walks into the the bad guy's dojo and I'll fuck everybody up. Well you shouldn't steal. Well they're stealing $100 for a battery, right? Same thing. I'll just walk right out of there. Nothing you could do about it, Apple. Nothing you can do. So then I I'm driving home one day and I hear that California only has a year left of water and by the way nobody seems to care. Nobody seems to care. More people care about Trevor Noah doing gay tweets and Jewish tweets that we have a year of water left.

And I started thinking, hey, you know we should do something about it? How about Apple does something about it? Hey, Apple, why don't you make a fucking app that makes drinking water out of salt water, seeing our planet is 80% water. I live near the water. I cannot drink that water.

Hey, Apple, how about making drinking water instead of talking watches that no one's gonna wear? Unless you're about to assassinate the Russian Prime Minister, you don't need a talking watch. I need drinking water. And my friends like dude you can't make money off of selling drinking water to poor people. Really? Cor's light seems to be doing great. Bud Light seems to make a ton of money. Selling that drinking water. You ever had Bud the light? Is that even beer? That's just dirty water. I cannot believe that nobody's working on taking the salt water right there and turning

into drinking water. The governor's spending a billion dollars out. What are you spending on it? Make some fucking distilleries or whatever you need. Like Bill Bursad, nothing's going to change to the start slitting throats, that's my opinion. Nothing's going to change. Well, I don't know how great this is one of the best ones I've done. I've enjoyed this, which means probably no one else will.

So here I'm going to close out on my random thought of the week. It kind of follows up with the drinking water thing. And I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm just I'm just th. th. th. th. thi thi thought of the week, it kind of follows up with the drinking water thing. And I'm just going to say this, I don't know how deep, I'll go into it. Uh, everybody keeps talking about they have this cure for cancer. This guy thinks he just cured cancer. Everybody's looking for hope. But my opinion is, if you have more than two kids, every kid after that makes it farther and farther away from us getting a cure for cancer. They would not agree with that? There's too many.

There's too many. They got a thin the herd. That's what's all about. And I've lost, friends. And my, uh, I have a, someone who's very close to me, who's struggling with cancer right now. It breaks my heart. I raise money to fight cancer, but it's like there's too many people. They're not gonna cure it. It's a population control thing, that's my opinion.

It's a population control. I hate to say it. I've lost relatives to it. It makes me sad, but it's a population control. I can't believe people are still having like six kids. There's not enough people. There's not enough resources, right? Do you not see this? We got a year left of water. Why are you having eight kids?

Anybody? Okay, I'm just yelling at this point. I think maybe an hour is good. I mean, 50 minutes is good, right? That doesn't have to be. An hour does it? Does it? Does it? Does it? Does it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do it? Do, do? Do th. Do it? Do th. th. th. Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do. Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do. It? Do, th. It? Do, right? That doesn't have to be an hour does it? Does it? Does it? Does it? Does it? Does it? Bub, bubbob. Okay, I want to do one thing.

I'm gonna end on this. I know I'm a dirty comic. I know I'm dirty comic. I know I'm dirty. I'm a'm dirty. I know I'm a dirty guy. I'm a dirty comic. But there's some bad entertainment out there. My friend made me... Why is this... Why do I keep getting bumped off the all-things comedy server here? And now I can't find it. So weird. So weird. So weird. Let me just end on this. And then we'll all go home. Thank you guys for listening. I'm just handing on this. This

Adam Hunter sent me this, right? He sent me this, this video of this rapper that he thought was pretty fucking great. And it made me puke in my mouth. So I want you guys to see this rapper they thought was pretty fucking great and it made me puke in my mouth. So I want you guys to see this guy. His name is, come on computer, give it to me. Here we go, his... Nope, that's not it. God damn it. God damn it, you piece of shit. Where's this video? Where is this video? Oh, he didn't send it to me. Fuck, I can't find it. All right. This, oh, here it is. Here it is. Let me find it real quick for you. Here it is. This is the guy. This is the guy right here. Let me plug this in. Listen to this guy's rap. Let me listen to it. His name is Stitches. He's trying to look like he's like the the the the the the the the the the the the thief the thief thief the the thief thief to the to to to the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the theck. the the guy. theck. theck. theck. theck. theck. theck. theck. theck. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. Fietcher. Fietcher. Fietcher. Fietcher. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. theat. theat. theat. theateat. tipea. tipe. tipe. tip. tip. the. the. the. the. the. the. to it. His name is Stitches. He's trying to look like, um, he's trying to look like Heathleger as the Joker in Batman. This is his rap.

It's called Miley Sires. Here it is. Yeah, that's what he say. I'm a put cocaine in your way. I'm gonna put cocaine in your way. I'm gonna put my dick in your way. Put a Mali in the ass. I just part the Mali. Now I'm trying to fuck Mali Tars. I just part of Mali. Now I'm trying to fuck Mali Tyrus. I just part of Mali.

Now I'm trying to fuck Mali Cyrus. I'm a pukokin' your ass. I'm gonna put my dick in your ass. I'm a pukokin' your ass. I'm a puk'k in your ass. I'm a puk'a'a'a'a'a I don't give a fuck cuz it won't change the fact that my thick is in your butt but cocaine we'll make a numb so I'm gonna put it in your ass with my son it's time to get freaking mottis iris we can have a baby and call them strys i'm a dumb mentalist okay i'm a dumb Am I wrong? Is that? Is that like something you'd hear on Aquitaine Hunger Force? Is that something like on the movie Idiocracy? That would be the greatest rapper of all time?

Now I talk about doing coke out of a chick's butt. Is that is that me? Am I this guy of comedy? Is that why everyone sares me like I'm weird when I get off stage? Like that's a whore am I wrong? Is that, was that not horrible? I'd love to get your feelings on that. His name is Stitches, it's called Molly Cyrus, and I'd love to know if you like him, you don't like him if he's a flaming bag of dog shit. What do you guys think? I just think it's one of those things like, I'm gonna try to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to to to to to to to to to thi, that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they.............. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. thi, that's thi, thi, that's that's that's that's thi, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's I'm gonna try to say whatever I can say to get seen and I think this guy is This guy is like why the terrorists hate us

Right, that's like did you enjoy that at all Mike and I mean was I'm a book of cocaine in your butt? I'm gonna book cocaine in your butt. I'm gonna book. I'm gonna book cocaine in the butt. I just decide I'm gonna stop doing jokes about doing cocco-chicks asshole because I don't want people to think I'm that guy. I like to tell real stories, not just do a fucking chorus of, I'm a bucoccogicin in your butt. I'm a bucoccalcum. Oh, bum-bo con in your butt! Oh, bonk-co! Okay. All right, guys, this has been an episode of Twisted. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I feel like I'm getting better. It takes time.

This is only the 11th. I'm gonna keep, I work hard on it. If you like, you let me know, if you hate it, let me know. If you can go to the naughty show and iTunes rate and review, let me know what you think. If there's something you want me to talk about, let me know I'll rant about it. I love you guys very much. What's this? Go check out all, follow all things comedy on Twitter at all things comedy.

Check out the naughty show at naughty show. Check out Sam Tripoli. Check it out. I really do love you if no one's told you that they love you today know that I love you I hope to see you in Atlanta at The Laughing Skal all next week and we will talk soon everybody take care. To me it seems you've lost your shame, your statement saves you've lost it, demons are thinking, freedoms gone and all exhausted, sost it, dreaming, dreams of fortune, all your deeds are all impromptu not in sync with laws and warnings never heeded while you blot them marching forth and choosing what to keep and leave consistently you're

falling all or nothing, please I'll tweak it out I think I'm on to something. Now your beat to pieces in the pieces in the parts the parts the parts the parts the parts the parts the parts the parts, the parts, the parts, the parts, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, lost, lost, lost, lost, lost, their, their, lost, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, the, th, their, their, tape, tape, tape, tape, tape, tape, toske, tosk, tosk, tome, tosk, tom'm on to something now your beat to pieces in the pieces in the parts are busted All your greatest thinking got you sinking in the rotten gutter now it's nothing left But everything to gain no action so you walk the narrow steps to the domains that have been calling soldier over