Today, Explained - How to date IRL

Episode Date: September 13, 2026

People are getting tired of the dating apps and turning to a more old-fashioned way of finding love. This episode was produced by Kelli Wessinger and Ariana Aspuru, edited by Amina Al-Sadi, fact-checked by Melissa Hirsch, engineered by Bridger Dunnagan, and hosted by Jonquilyn Hill. Known, an AI-driven dating app, has their branding plastered on a storefront in San Francisco, CA. Photo by Camille Cohen/For The Times. If you have a question, give us a call at 1-800-618-8545 or email [e-mail] to Explain It to Me ad-free by becoming a Vox Member: vox.com/members. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You're richer than you think. Haven't had much luck on the dating apps lately? Don't worry. It's not just you. does seem like across sex and dating and partnership, cohabitation, marriage, all of these behaviors are kind of on the decline. How to Fight the Romance Slump and Find a Connection in Real Life. That's this week on Explain It to Me, new episodes, Sundays, wherever you get your podcasts.

I refuse to such a dating app. I deleted my app in my profile earlier this spring, and I have only been. have been making connections through people that I meet in real life, or I call it in the while, and it's been incredible. Maybe we're kind of going back to the 80s in that sense. The dating world is wide open now, but I don't think it's on the apps anymore. That shit's depressing itself. Okay, time for some real talk.

I'm a single lady about town, and honestly, the apps haven't really been doing it for me lately. And not to be all Carrie Bradshaw about it, but I can't help but wonder, is it just me or am I a part of a bigger trend? That's the question that brought me to a singles event at a trendy metro car turned bar on an extremely hot summer evening. I grabbed a microphone, my also single editor, Amina Alsatty, and Kelly Wessinger, our editorial wingwoman. I wanted to find out more about why people are used. ditching the apps and what they're doing instead. I'm John Glyn Hill, and this week, Unexplained It to Me from Vox, why does dating suck now?

The event was a red flag party, put on by Thursday, a company whose whole appeal is that it's not a dating app. Attendees walk around with bingo sheets to find out who among us was a DJ or referred to movies as films. I may or may not be guilty of, that last one. And as everyone was mixing and mingling, I took the opportunity to ask questions of my own. Like, how much luck had they had on the dating apps? They've been decreasingly worse and worse. And I see that people are not as invested or not as engaged as before. So, I don't know,

as a guy trying to like get matches and ask on dates, but not getting that engagement can really feel self-defeating and kind of hopeless, I think. So I don't really communicate well through the dating apps. I don't like those that well. I love being in person and I'm myself better when I'm in person. So I thought it would be a good chance to at least mingle and get out in the city a little bit. Overall, yeah, it's been terrible. I read somewhere there it's like the apps make you interact with people you should have never met in real life.

It feels so dehumanizing to be swiping on people and it makes me feel gross and super superficial but also at the same time it's like what else am I supposed to do like how do I... I've never been out a bar and saw someone across the room and been like I'm going to go up to that person

it's never felt like the vibe everyone's kind of burned out on dating apps and I feel like at least this is a way to get out and at least socialize and at least, I don't know, at the very least meet people. I think just thinking the pros and cons, like thinking the worst that can happen, you don't meet anyone, but you got to socialize a little bit. And at best, maybe you make a connection, you know, I don't think the risk are that high. You know, you spend a few hours, but that's what you're going to be doing on the apps, hours and hours and maybe money and with no results

at all. results, right? In college, you knew everybody was out there looking to make out on the dance floor. Like, that was, I was talking to someone and someone was like, bring back drunk makeouts on the dance floor. People used to be making out on the dance floor. People used to be grinding on the dance floor. None of that happens anymore. Thank you to Jonathan, Jill, K.P. and Priya. Coming up, people feel like the apps are broken. Is romance broken too? support for the show comes from MintMobile. If your wallet's feeling a little light after a summer full of travel and activities,

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Go to granola.orgia.combe on your next call. I'm JQ. This is Explain It to Me. I'm Faith Hill and I'm a staff writer for The Atlantic. Faith hasn't just written about the hands. harrowing experience of dating in 2026. She's also living it. And in her reporting, she found that it's not just the state of dating that's bad. We're kind of in an overall romance slump. Yeah. So of course, romance is a really big umbrella term for a lot of different things. But it does seem like across sex and dating and partnership, cohabitation, marriage, all of these

behaviors are kind of on the decline. So the marriage rate in the U.S. and many other countries has been declining for a while now. But, you know, also we're finding the same thing, especially among young adults, in terms of how many people are entering committed relationships, people are having less sex. And even among single people in the U.S., a lot of single people say they're not regularly dating at all. I would rather go to the dentist and get a root canal, then go on a first date ever again. You don't actually have to date. You literally actually do not have to date.

And I probably will never date ever. Again, I like being single. So there's a Financial Times data reporter named John Byrne Murdoch, who did an analysis of data and found that the proportion of 25 to 34-year-olds in marriages or cohabiting partnerships dropped really steeply from 1980 to 2022 by almost 10 percentage points for college graduates and more than 20 percentage points for people without a degree. Wow. In 2019, 42% of single adults younger than 40 told Pew Research Center that they'd never been in a committed relationship. But at the same time, in surveys, you still see that the majority of people say they want marriage, they want partnership.

So I still feel like it's worth talking about all those people who aren't getting something that they want. And I think it's this sort of simultaneous thing of, on the one hand, it's easier to be single in some ways than it used to be. And yet, dating is difficult in these very particular modern ways. And when both of those are true at once, people will just start giving up and not getting something that they do in many cases really deeply want. but I would like a husband and unfortunately that does require me going on dates. But like I've kind of hit a point where I am just like content with the people and the things that I have in my life that asking me to go on a date feels like pulling teeth. I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I just accept being single for a while

rather than continuing this process of meeting new people and going on dates and trying to find someone. Wow. When we talk about these surveys, are the people doing them just asking straight people? We got a voicemail from a listener who said the apps are broken for gay men too. I'll just say that as a gay man in a fairly big city, dating apps suck. I think they suck for street people. They suck for gay people. And I've found way more success at the club.

How universal is this experience? I think that there is a romance slump happening across gender, sexuality. I did, you know, in reporting this piece, I tried to talk to people who were straight, people who were queer, people of different class backgrounds. You know, I really tried to get a mix, and I did feel like there were a lot of similarities in what people were experiencing. And I think the apps is a big part of that. I have just heard from a lot of people who do say that, you know, I think the apps just really require sacrificing other priorities, other parts of life, and really take a toll on people. So there's a sense of fatigue among, you know, queer and straight people alike.

I do think that for straight people, there's kind of an added element as well of like frustration and tension and distance between men and women. So that's something I get into in my piece as well. And I think it's sort of just one of the many challenges that single people are going through. I wonder, the world is on fire right now. Like, it kind of seems like the vibes are just bad overall. We're living in a very chaotic period in human history. Is everything that's happening in the world?

Is that factoring into why people are in? in this romance slump? I think it's a big part of it. I think part of that it just has to do with interpersonal trust and kind of optimism about other human beings. You know, we can see that in the U.S. at least rates of trust and other people and fellow Americans are pretty low. So I think people really have their guard up in that sense. And in particular, when it comes to Gen Z, you know, this is a generation that a lot of researchers have described as pretty slow to trust, and afraid of rejection and risk. And, you know, you can't really have romance without rejection and risk.

Those are just crucial. So I think it's really hard to put yourself out there for a lot of really valid reasons. And, you know, as you're saying, the world is so chaotic and that gets reflected in people's personal lives, too. And when people have so much going on, romance just feels really hard to prioritize. both, you know, just in the sense that they have a lot on their minds and other things they want to take care of and also just logistically. Like, if you are someone who doesn't know what your work schedule is going to look like the next week, you know, it's really hard to set up a date. There's a lot of people who have really unstable work conditions. A lot of people who are very worried about money, you know, they're thinking about trying to make rent or saving up.

And it's just, you know, it's kind of like, okay, maybe later down the line, I'll date. And I do want that. But right now everything feels so insecure. Something that I find interesting about all this is that despite how challenging and honestly demoralizing dating can get, the people you talk to, the people we met at that event, My friends that I talk to still want relationships. Why do you think we're still seeking that partnership? I think people have a really deep yearning for connection and romance. And I think they imagine that if it, you know, in its ideal form, it would be amazing. And a lot of people just don't think they can really find that ideal romance. Now, I did certainly talk to, you know, some people who really do. just aren't interested in relationships, and that certainly exists and is great for those people. But I also talk to a lot of people who have completely given up on dating, and yet when you kind of push them on it, they will say, well, yeah, of course, I would love a great relationship if I

could find it, but I'm just not going to look for that right now. And I think I take that decision really, you know, seriously, and I respect it because I don't think they're making it lightly. Like, I think not to get so existential with it, but we all have limited time. And they did, you know, want to spend the time that they had on things that felt possible and meaningful and that were in their control. When it comes to love, there's so much of it that's out of our control. But there are three steps to try if we really want to find that romantic connection. That's next. Support for the gray area comes from granola.

The best meetings are the ones that get. get everything done in one go. Everyone's on the same page. You leave with the information you need and you're ready to actually make things happen. No follow-ups required. It might sound like a fantasy, but with Granola, every meeting can work a little more like that. Granola is an AI-powered notepad that makes your meeting notes useful. It captures what happens in your meetings and turns them into clean, structured notes with decisions and action items pulled out and made easy to find. And the best part, granola fits right into the way you already work. That means no complicated setup or extra steps.

It turns messy meeting conversations into clear, organized notes you can easily search and reference weeks later. Everything stays in one place and becomes actionable, so you can focus on the conversation instead of scrambling to take notes. Once you try it on a first meeting, it's hard to go without. You can try it totally free. Head to granola.ai slash gray area. That's granola.a.ai slash gray area to get your time back. go to granola.a.ai slash gray area to try it on your next call. It's hard enough to keep track of your keys, wallet, and cell phone,

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Go to IM8health.com slash explained right now or click on the link in the description and use code explained for a free welcome kit, five free travel sachets, plus 10% off your order. That's code explained at IM8health.com slash explained. Code explained at IM8health.com slash explained. These statements have not been evaluated. by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Hey, my name is Emma, and honestly, I refuse to touch a dating app. Personally, I've been meeting people at church, at an adult's fan volleyball league. You know, this is the right person will come

at the right time, and it won't be something that I'll have to search too hard for. I'm a lot more hopeful that I'll meet the person that I'm meant to when the time is right. This is explaining to me. I'm JQ. So we've established that the dating landscape isn't all that great right now, especially on the dating apps. And yet, a lot of us still want to find love. So how do you square those two things? That's what I asked Lily Womble. She's a dating coach and author of the book, Thank you, more please. A feminist guide to breaking dumb dating rules and finding love.

It's really hard. Dating can be so exhausting, depleting, demoralizing. And I only think dating apps have increased that experience for single folks. That coupled with our societal pressure to be partnered. And that, like, you know, the messaging that we received from a young age that, like, to be partnered is to be ahead, right? To be single is to be behind. I think that pressure is there. I also think, like, how human of us to want romantic connection. So I, you know, totally respect people who just say, I don't want to meet a partner or I don't want to date.

That's not what I want to do in my life. I'm cool being single. I don't think that singleness is a marker against one's value. I think that people are whole and valuable right now, both and if you do want to find love and romantic partnership, there is a more healthful and empowering way to go about it that centers you. as the main character, instead of, for example, centering men in whether or not you are worthy or valuable or lovable. And people are centering those that have been wrong for them in whether or not they believe their own desires. We've been chatting in this episode about getting out of our phones with dating and getting in the streets. But how do you go about that? If you're used to dating apps and you want to meet someone in person, how do you make that happen? It's really important to reset your brain off dating apps, to get in person to build new

connections, and it is as simple and as complicated as three steps. Number one, joy building. Joy is connective. You need to exit your house, get off your couch, and go do something in your town or city that brings you some amount of joy with other people. The point is to make a new friendship, to make a new connection. You never know what 70-year-old you meet at your quilting night in your small town, whose son's boyfriend's cousin comes to a party, and suddenly you've met the love of your life. I met my husband through Joy Building.

I went to an improv class. I made a friend. That friend introduced me to her social circle. Then I met Chris, my husband. Like, joy building does help you meet the right people. Secondarily, you've got co-conspiratorship. So helping your friends help you better, becoming your expert wing person. Now, your friend might say, I don't know any single people.

To that, you say, I don't either. So let's co-create creative solutions. We're both smart. You have a workplace. You have a work conference. Are you looking out for me there? Here's the kind of person that I'm looking for. Here's the questions I want you to ask somebody.

Finally, we've got flirting, which is the most vomitious nerve-wracking part of this plan. And the good news is that it's a buildable skill set. It's not just something that your favorite friend who is so naturally flirty has and you don't. I think that flirting is essentially joyful, courageous connection. People overcomplicate flirting to be this, like, game. But I really believe and have seen in my own experience,

my client's experience, that flirting is just simply approaching somebody asking a genuine question and seeing if that person wants to co-create a conversation with you, continuing that conversation, and to see if it's romantic, you literally just ask like, hey, random question, so are you single in the conversation? All of this requires 10 seconds of courage to just do the thing, to go to the speed dating event to ask the question, to go up to somebody and say, hey, you're cute, I just wanted to come tell you that. One of my clients did that on a crosswalk with a man that she found cute. and they ended up dating.

I'm not kidding you, this works. It just takes the willingness to be uncomfortable in the pursuit of making new connections for yourself. Okay, I will say you make it sound so easy, but that joy building, that getting out and talking to people, that can be really hard. One, it's hard to be joyful when it feels like the world is falling apart around us. Also, some of us are more shy than others, and there are people who lost a lot of valuable. learning to flirt skill building time during the pandemic. Like, I hear you, but like, how do you do it? How do you do it?

Great question. We have lost a lot of social skills. Like, those years that we were in lockdown, were reps missed. Especially, I think, for Gen Z, who, like, literally were in school during that time, I'm a millennial, so I had already, you know, cut my teeth in like New York, 2015, 16, 17 with IRL flirting. It does require a couple things, a rejection resilience plan. I recommend that people have in the notes up with their phone a plan to be courageous

and to know how they're going to react and care for themselves after a hard moment. Because there are people when you flirt or joy build who don't want to be your friend, who don't want to talk to you, who are uncomfortable themselves. And so that rejection resilience plan can really like prep you to be courageous and know that no matter what you're going to be okay. It's just as simple as like understanding that your brain's going to think it's dying after an experience of rejection. Just say, I think I'm going to die after rejection. It's a thought, not a fact. Write it down.

Then have a plan to be compassionate towards yourself. I also recommend to flirting ladder to increase your distress tolerance. So you start at the very basic level. of I'm going to make eye contact with somebody for one second and then look away. Great, boom, done the first level on the flirting ladder. Next level, I'm going to hold it for three seconds. It's in small steps. I'm going to go up to somebody and say hi and then literally run away.

Plan to do it in small bite-sized steps so that you can increase your distress tolerance window. One of my clients did a wink and run. Put it on her ladder. Oh, my gosh. Literally planned to wink and then freak out and run away. When you plan to do something courageous and just say, I'm going to do it for 10 seconds and then I can totally bail, you're more likely to do courageous things. You're more likely to have more connection in your life and you're more likely to meet the right people for you. Okay, this is advice anyone can take, but I have to say there is a part of it that I struggle with.

And that's, you know, the way I was raised. What do you struggle with? Tell me. The way I was raised, the way I was socialized, women do not approach men. That is his job to do. If you do it, you will be chasing him for the rest of the relationship. There is a way is supposed to go. Men are the pursuers.

You wait to be pursued. Or else the relationship is off balance from the very beginning. You're doing everything. It's like you got to do everything around here. Well, it's interesting that we're talking about literally a first move. and then people's minds go to, I'm going to have to do everything. It's important to understand that adult relationships have to be co-created. And one of my feminist rules of dating is that you need to be shooting your shot 100% of the time

to be in the flow of asking for more, to be in the flow of receiving opportunity. And this is what I tell my clients. When you know you want to go on a date with somebody, say, I'd love to take this at IRL. What do you say? mussely version of that where you are doing all of the work, which will not lead to a good relationship, is when you ask them out, you plan the date, you confirm the date, you make the reservation, you text afterward. That is doing everything, and that is not a co-created relationship. That is you, because of scarcity, doing all the work.

Is it possible to find that on the apps, though? Do we really have to get out there in the real world to find love? I do think that dating apps. are exhausting, I think we have to, you know, acknowledge that their marketing messages, like Hinge is designed to be deleted. Hinge wants you to meet someone great, even if it kills us. Make users feel dumb, I think, for being on them all the time and not finding love, but they're publicly traded companies who are incentivized to keep users on the platform. and de-incentivized to give you enough of the good stuff to get you off the platform for good.

So I think so many people are settling from the moment they get on a dating app. They're settling for someone who doesn't ask them questions back. They're settling for someone who they're not attracted to at all. They're settling for somebody whose bio is not filled out because of this experience of scarcity. And because of we're not meant to see this many faces. Like our brains are not meant to. And so because of cognitive overload, our higher functioning shuts down. at a certain point of seeing so many faces.

And so that increases the likelihood that you're going to settle for the wrong kind of people for you on the dating app, which is why it's important to, like, set basic time boundaries with yourself, why it's important to have standards of messaging for yourself in dating apps. Something that I would love to know more about, you know, we're talking about dating. And as we're talking about it, we're talking about this idea of, you know, finding your person. finding maybe your spouse, your life partner, like the person you do life with. But what about for those who aren't necessarily ready for the one? Or like, ah, it's a little scary, but I still want to be out here.

I wonder, yeah, what about them? What do they do? If you want to date, but you're unsure if you're ready for like a relationship or the right relationship, then go around and can I curse on this podcast? Oh, yeah. The FCC can't stop us. Okay, great. Fuck around. Go fuck around and find out what can happen when you pursue your pleasure, right? Like, if you look at dating, I think this, whether you're looking for a relationship or not, when you look at dating as an act of agency, as an act of aliveness, as an act of pleasure for yourself, and as a practice of setting boundaries, then like you can go have the most amazing time connecting with people, getting to know yourself and your preferences, getting getting to know what turns you on and what turns you off, right? All of these are really important life things that you get to do. Are we overcomplicating this? Does it really actually

have to be that hard? Absolutely not. But it is as complicated as prioritizing and pursuing your desire after a lifetime of being told that your desires are too much. That's it for this week. Right now, we're working on a an episode all about modern etiquette. We want to know, what are the rules you wished everyone followed? How should people talk on the phone, travel on an airplane, or keep it professional in the workplace? And what are your pet peeves? Give us a call at 1-800-618-8-55-45 or shoot an email to AskVox at Vox.com. If you like listening to this podcast, consider becoming a Vox member. Members get to listen to this podcast at free and get unlimited access to Vox.com.

Head over to Vox.com slash members to learn more. This episode was produced by Kelly Wessinger with help from Ariana Aspuru. It was edited by Amna Alsadi, fact-checked by Melissa Hirsch, and engineered by Richard Junkin. Our executive producer is Miranda Kennedy, and I'm your host, John Glyn Hill. Thank you so much for listening. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Bye.