Today, Explained - Me, my husband, our girlfriend

Episode Date: March 27, 2026

Millennial feminist Lindy West's new book is about her path to polyamory. Cue the backlash — to West, her husband, and the idea of polyamory itself. This episode was produced by Kelli Wessinger, edited by Jolie Myers, fact-checked by Andrea López-Cruzado, engineered by Patrick Boyd and David Tatasciore, and hosted by Noel King. Lindy West in Hollywood. Photo by Erik Voake/Getty Images for Hulu. Listen to Today, Explained ad-free by becoming a Vox Member: vox.com/members. New Vox members get $20 off their membership right now. Transcript at ⁠vox.com/today-explained-podcast.⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Everybody's talking. So right now, a lot of people are talking about, about Lindy West. This woman, Lindy West, who calls herself a feminist author. I listen to the entire New York Times Modern Love podcast with Lindy West, all about how she came to her polyamorous relationship. Well, one of our strongest is lost to us now, Lindy West. She has succumbed to patriarchy. She is male-centered now.

In a new memoir, Adult Braces, the millennial feminist icon travels the country. country in a camper van, which seems fun, drops in on friends who seem cool, text her husband, who seems fine, and comes to terms with a marriage that suddenly includes a third person. Coming up on today, explain from Vox, why everyone you know is talking about polyamory. Once upon a dismal day, Bob's ice cream van looked gloomy and gray. Although he had big ambitions, his socials lacked creative vision. Ugh, that bad? Maybe vamped up a tad. I have an idea.

Bob launched Canva and got into gear. Create the video in the vampire team and make it the funny SME. It went viral. Bob's business? A revival. Now, imagine what your dreams can become. When you put imagination to work at Canva.com. Megan Rapino here.

This week on a touch more, we've got two insiders to help us unpack the WMBA's new CBA, three-time champion and WMBPA Vice President Alicia Clark, aka AC, and ESPN basketball analyst Andrea Carter. We're also going to take a look at our NCAA brackets and check out what's next in March Madness. Check out the latest episode of a touch more wherever you get your podcast and on YouTube. My name is Sachi Cole and I'm a senior writer at Slate.com.

Who is Lindy West for those who don't know? Lindy West is a writer. She's an author. She was one of the more kind of noisier voices of early to mid-aughts internet feminism. Likeability in a sexist, racist culture is not objective. It's compulsory femininity, the gender binary, invisible labor, whiteness, smallness, sweetness. She was a writer for Jezebel. She wrote for the stranger for a really long time. And she has a new book called Adult Braces, which came out a couple weeks ago. Tell me about adult braces, which I read in one sitting this morning. Yeah, I read it a few times in one sitting, actually. It's a very digestible book. Yeah, it's really good. It's a very digestible book, yeah. It's really edible, I would say. Yeah. Adult braces is Lindy's memoir. This is her fourth book. She's written a lot of, you know, political polemics, social polemics, a lot of personal writing, a lot of memoir writing, but this is some of her most personal. And it's a memoir about her taking a cross-country road trip, but also, you know,

about her kind of reformating her marriage and turning towards polyamory with her husband. And this is the thing. It is not the road trip that people are upset about. It is the polyamory. No, unsurprisingly, it is not just the driving around in a van that people are fixated on. They sure have a lot of thoughts about the polyamory. What about the polyamory? What about the depiction of polyamory or the journey to polyamory? What do you think has got people so upset here? I think there's a few trains of controversy here. And some is legitimate and some is really not. So the illegitimate complaints kind of about this narrative have to do often with Lindy's weight. She's fat. She writes a lot about being fat. She writes about the politics and social politics and being fat. Or some people are saying that it has a lot to do with gender. Her partner, Aham, who's her husband in the book. And this, you know, Aham goes by he, him and they, them. is non-binary. So there's been a lot of needless jabs at this particular facet of the story,

which I don't really think is about anything. The other side of it is that the story that Lindy tells in this memoir, and all we really have to go on is what she tells us, is pretty brutal to her. Their entry into polyamory is not necessarily honest. I told you Aham was secretly seeing one woman in 2019. He was actually seeing two. It sounds like it was a lot of people have been using the word coercive, polyamory. I've been reading that a lot online. It's not a term I've ever heard before. But the idea that you kind of tell your partner, like, it's this or nothing.

Aham loved me more than anyone else he had ever met in his life. I was the most special person in the world and the first best friend he'd ever had. But this was not negotiable. He would not lie to me or anyone else about it. And he was prepared to break his own heart now rather than watch us decay and collapse later. And so she is a, she's clearly a reluctant participant for the first spell of their jaunt into polyamory. They meet someone. They, you know, he falls in love with her first.

And then she also falls in love with this person, Roya. And now the three of them are together. When we frame this as it was coercive, she was talked into it. There's an opposite side of this that says, no, Aham, her husband. was honest with her right from the beginning, and she sort of hoped that it would never come to pass, which maybe, I guess there's an argument, well, that's not entirely fair to him.

Yeah, listen, my reading of it is a little more on that side. It's clear that he told her a condition of our marriage will be polyamory. I think she understood some of the risks. She's an adult. You know, Lindy does not want to be infantilized. She said that several times. that she had and has autonomy, and these are her decisions. I believe that they are her decisions.

Okay, then I want to bring the third into this, as the marriage did. This is Roya. So tell me about where Lindy starts with Roya, where Lindy ends with Roya, and why you think the ending has also made people uncomfortable. Yeah, so when Roya is brought into the picture, it is true that Aham had more than one other girlfriend in addition to his wife. And so, you know, Lindy is a little... Hostel's a big word, but I would say she was reticent to kind of learn anything about this person and was sort of like, go do what you must. I extended the bare minimum of grace. I was prickly and miserable before he left and made him work for my smile after he got back.

I wanted him to have a bad time and feel like he was doing something bad. Aham starts to travel to Portland, I think once a month to go spend a weekend with Roya. So now he's kind of taking time away. He has a big medical issue come up while she's touring. And Roya is there to help. And so that starts to change the nature of their dynamic.

You know, Lindy talks a lot about like, wow, is this what it's like to get a wife? Like somebody's so organized who takes care of like the medical detail and like listens to me and it's like, maybe. Maybe it is. The right wife. It's the right wife. Yeah, perhaps.

And, you know, so over time, they start to develop a friendship and then their relationship turns and it becomes romantic. And it fundamentally reshapes the entire nature of their polyamory and of their marriage and of their family. And then, you know, after that, Roya, she moves into the woods with them and that's where she is now. All right. So you went out to the place where. the family lives now. It's a cabin in Washington State. You wrote a profile of Lindy West. When you were there talking to her in Washington, did you push her at all on the question of coercion? Did you say, while I was reading this, I felt like he talked to you into this and you did not really want it?

Yeah, I mean, she preempts that question. I think it's something that people have already said to her. So she's kind of like ready for that. And, you know, she says that that's just not true. And I kind of understand what she's saying, which is how can I prove it to you other than living in this life? But if you try to write anything to convince other people, especially when it comes to memoir, it will feel dissatisfying. And I know that intimately. Like, there's only so much I can do. What I can offer is a perspective and a version of events. But as soon as I cross a threshold, which has happened, certainly for myself too, into feeling like I'm evangelizing for something. And if you don't believe me about my own experience, then it doesn't mean anything. It's a really

crushing place to live. I think people look at Lindy as a one-way mirror in a lot of ways. They see themselves in her. And when she makes decisions, when anybody like that in that position, celebrity, influencer, writer, creative, when they make decisions that their audience doesn't like, they take it really personally. And Lindy is someone who, I think a lot of people,

especially her fan base, have viewed as bombastic and confident and, you know, body, fun. And to compare that with the version that we read an adult racist who is anxious and insecure and being harmed by this person in her life. And so as the audience, your proxy is her. And you feel defensive of her. But that squared with, I think, the online response, their online response to the book, the three of them and how they have reacted to press, I think has people the wrong way, even more so than just the book. I want to talk about the Lindy West's situation

in the way that I think Aham's career insecurities play a major role in their relationship. Lindy West being polyamorous isn't the issue. The issue is the story we're being sold about it. I think if you read the book and just sort of looked at it in a vacuum, you wouldn't have the same responses if you read the book and then go on Reddit.

So I wonder what you think about this argument that Lindy West made in places like the Atlantic, for example. And I'm sure, although I haven't checked in the free press, that Lindy West's book about... Yeah. That Lindy West's memoir about coming to polyamory is like the death of millennial feminism. What killed millennial feminism was the gap between what its high priestesses demanded and what they were able to endure themselves. If you insist that accepting polyamory is the price of being a good person, and then write a book about your thruple where the front cover shows, you with mascara streaked tears running down your face, people will spot the dissonance.

Helen Lewis, the Atlantic. Listen, we can have feelings about anybody's relationship as it is displayed to us. We are entitled to that, especially when we're being offered a commodity, like a book, which you purchase. Opinion is inevitable. But one person's personal story, discomfort, misery, contentment, fulfillment, or lack of fulfillment does not speak to the end of a social movement that was knit together over several decades and has more to do with Lindy West's corner of the internet. Social movements flex, they change. I don't think it's the death of anything. It is just where that version of it maybe

ended up. I think there are limitations to everything. We saw limitations of millennial feminism as it was happening. We were talking about it in the moment about the wing and Jezeb. and what it means for white feminists versus black feminists and then even intersectionality beyond that about turfs who have come out of the woodwork on this one. I'll say that, boy, did they have nothing better to do? Everybody needs to talk to God and drink a good glass of whole milk

and sit in a hot place for a little while. That was a good. Slate's Sachi Cool. Coming up, what if polyamory is just another way to live? Support for the show comes from Indeed. When you're looking for talent, Indeed, sponsored jobs can be just the boost you're looking for. Indeed says you can save lots of time searching and instead get matched with quality candidates that meet your specific criteria like skills, certification, or location. I'm always looking for people with skills. According to their data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95% more likely

to report a higher than non-sponsored jobs. You can spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes, less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this can be a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. And listeners of this show will get a $75-sponsored job credit to help get your job, the premium status. It deserves at Indeed.com slash podcast.

You can just go to Indeed.com slash podcast right now and support our show by saying you've heard about Indeed on this podcast. That's Indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring. Do it the right way with Indeed. Support for today's explain is brought to you by pocket hose. Perhaps you're a gardener or a landscaper. And there are tangles and kinks in your hose. Pocket hose says that those old-fashioned hoses get creases at the spigot. But their new copperheads pocket pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow and gives you the freedom to water with ease all around your home. So you can seamlessly water your plants without wanting to throw your hose down forever. Pocket hose says they're the number one expandable hose in the world when you're done watering.

The rustproof anti-burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size and to name for Everless handling and tidy storage. Plus they say it is backed with a 10-year warranty. For a limited time only, our listeners can get a free pocket pivot. and a 10 pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size copperhead hose. All you need to do is text Explain to 64,000 for two free gifts with purchase. Explain to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply.

See terms for details. Hi, I'm Brne Brown. And I'm Adam Grant. And we're here to invite you to the Curiosity Shop. A podcast that's a place for listening, wondering, thinking, feeling, and questioning. It's going to be fun. We rarely agree. But we almost never disagree, and we're always learning.

That's true. You can subscribe to the Curiosity Shop on YouTube or follow in your favorite podcast app to automatically receive new episodes every Thursday. Today explained. Today explained. Today explained. Today, explained. We're back with Ashley Ray Harris. She's a culture critic, TV writer Angelino.

Ashley wrote about Lindy West's book and entanglements for Harper's Bazaar. Why do people on the internet hate polyamory so much? I think in recent years with dating apps, polyamory has also expanded. There are specific apps for ethical non-monogamy people, so more people have been trying it, and that means more messy experiences. Storytime on how I got invited to be in a poly relationship and all hell broke loose. Non-ethical non-monogamy. That's what that is, guys. Just say you want to be in an open relationship.

Just say you want to be single and not committed. So I think more people dislike it now because maybe they, in their 20s, dated some guy who said he was ethical but lied. And that becomes someone's projection of all polyamory. I think people also understand it is a very big definition. And it does include polygamous. You know, that is ethical non-monogamy. And so people look at shows like sister wives or seeking sister wives. and some of the very male-centered dynamics there

and think that is all of polyamory. I'm not only looking for a wife and queen to add to my kingdom, but Vanessa is looking for her best friend. But in reality, it is a very big umbrella, ethical non-monogamy, and underneath it, there are solo poly people like me, there are sister wives, there are people who are basically monogamously married,

but maybe they swing together. So it really does look like so many different things, But for most of history and time, people either roll their eyes because they are so annoyed with it, or they kind of just go, ugh, not for me. I can never do that. All right, y'all. So another reason as to why I hate polyamory, okay? I get exhausted dating one person and trying to carve out time for my kids' needs and my own self-care. How does adding another person get managed? I don't get that. Hmm. All right. So you said you are solo poly? Is that the right term?

Yes. Solo polyamorous. Solo polyamorous. She says as if it is Latin or something. What does that mean? What does that mean for your life? Yeah. So for me, I came to polyamory on my own.

I had been in relationships. I had been engaged. But I had always kind of had a curiosity about non-monogamy. So a lot of people's issue with ethical non-monogamy and women is that they think we're brainwashed or coerced into it. And there are no benefits we could possibly get from. And that's where Lindy's getting a lot of pushback. A lot of people are saying, you're this big feminist voice.

What do you mean? You know, your husband has a girlfriend. And I totally think that's unfair. You know, I came to it without any sort of male influence or man. So a lot of people say that is the preferred, you know, method a woman should come to it. But to me, it just means even when I'm single, I still seek multiple relationships. I do have long-term relationships. I have a partner of three years.

Who knows that I seek other partners, who also seeks other partners. But essentially, if someone were to say, are you single? I would go, yeah. So that's basically what solo polyamory is, is that it's sort of, I don't have a hierarchy of my partners, but they all know about each other. But I am always open to kind of new connections. And I prefer to live on my own. My dream isn't to get married someday.

I don't want to share my house or a bank account. Whereas other poly people like Lindy's Thruple, they do want to live together. They do want that shared bank account. They do want to, you know, create something that looks more like a nuclear family. One of the things you see in the critiques of the book, and also I imagine in the way that some people listening will respond to you telling your story, is that there is one right way and one wrong way to do relationships. And so this moment feels like it's a moment where everybody gets to complain. about relationships. Yeah, yeah. So when I say like it is a, it's something that you're comfortable with or not, you know, that's all it really is. It's a dynamic that you choose for a relationship if it's something

you're comfortable with. And if it's not, you're monogamous. You know, it doesn't make you more enlightened. It doesn't make you a more ethical person. It doesn't mean your third eye is open. It just means you're more comfortable with an alternative relationship dynamic. And, you know, I think a lot of monogamous people would say monogamy doesn't look one way, right? Yeah. Different couples have different ideas of, you know, if my partner likes someone's Instagram pictures, for me, that's cheating. Other couples are like, oh, I don't care if my partner flirts. You know, so I think on both sides, it doesn't look like one thing.

Yeah, people are having a hard time with this. I mean, the understatement, it's only March, but perhaps the understatement of the year is that people are having a really hard time with this. Yes. And so I want to ask you, you read it. What did you think about how Lindy and Aham negotiated a polyamorous relationship? Yeah, I also had a hard time with a lot of the book. I don't think for the reason some people do.

If you read Shrill, if you were already a fan of Lindy's, she also believed in that fairy tale ending, and it is what she sold her fans. Shrill ends with, you know, I found my perfect hot husband. He chose me. I realized I'm worthy. We had a beautiful public wedding that felt political. It was an act. It was defiance. And we were happily ever after. And I want my fans to know they can have that too. And in adult braces, she addresses the fact that she, that wasn't true, that she was trying to paint a picture for us because she felt like she had to account for an audience. And now she's saying, I'm not trying to do that anymore. I don't have to. But to an extent, she's saying, still is. So I was uncomfortable because now it feels like she has a burden to perform perfect polyamory. In reading it, it feels like most of the book is about her travels coming to terms with this new stage of her marriage. And on that return, she accepts, you know, I am open to

Roya. And from the point of her meeting Roya to, you know, them entering this thruple, it's about nine pages. It's very short. I love to... to Big Spoon Roya and Little Spoon Aham. I love sleeping in the guest room and crawling into bed with them in the morning. I love when they tuck me in and leave me to play on my phone as late as I want. I love being physically close to them.

I would keep Roya on my lap all day long if I could. I would ride around on Aham's back like a koala. And it seems like she wants us to think, you know, this is a situation where everyone is happy and everything is great and none of us are settling and I've just found a perfect love in a new way. And I think that's why people are uncomfortable

because, you know, they wanted her to have this happy ending. They believed in it as a fan and now she's selling them on a different happy ending. This in many ways, many more ways than I was expecting. This is a political book. This book has a politics. Lindy West has a politics as she makes her way across the country. She is quite dismissive to use a polite term about conservatives, including at one point a conservative child or a child with a Trump hat on.

And one thing that you sort of see happening or that I felt I saw happening was that Lindy West is clearly somebody who identifies as progressive. And her unwillingness to ask hard questions seems in a sense political, right? Aham tells her, I am not a white man. And the project of monogamy seems quite colonial to me. It seems old-fashioned, patriarchal, racist even. So the reader, and I think a lot of conservative critiques of this book, ended up someplace like, in progressive circles, if you're a white woman, you just don't question it when your husband, a man of color, tells you that he wants to not be monogamous. You're a polly. Is it in progressive circles?

Is it legit to say no, we don't ask questions? No. Okay, okay, just check it. And I will also say, Polly, and poor listeners, I'm also black. Yes. And I have run into this argument in circles of monogamy is, you know, akin to slavery. And no, people push back on that all the time. As a black woman, I push back on that in certain dynamics.

I think it's absolutely okay for anyone to question that because monogynne. of us people question that in themselves and their dynamics and how they show up for each other and how, you know, responsibilities are split. So when she gives, you know, her husband a pass in the book, it's, that to me was frustrating where it's like, no, no, no, no, we have questions for this because that isn't valid, Lindy, like ask questions. And like you said, throughout her trip, she is dismissive of these people. And she sort of embraces a thought of, because I am doing this to break down the racism of monogamy. I'm a progressive.

I'm doing this to be embraced by progressives. That this is a political act, that what she's doing is setting her on a different path than people who can't see what she sees. But in reality, like those conservatives she's running into in Florida are probably swingers

who are having more threesome than her. Like, in reality, there are trailer parks in Arkansas with polycules. Like, you know, in reality, like she is projecting something that isn't really there when you go, but Lindy, the Tiger King was polyamorous. And I don't think he was more progressive. But the second you rip that away from the relationship and go, no, you know, you aren't really doing anything to improve the politics of the world or bringing us together. You're just, you know, it's your relationship.

It should be based on what you truly want, not how you feel that, you know, you. Your politics should present to everyone else. When you strip that away, then it's like, oh, we aren't really doing anything special. Ashley Ray Harris is a culture critic. She wrote about adult braces for Harper's Bazaar. Kelly Wessinger produced today's show. Jolie Myers edited. Patrick Boyden, David Tadishore, are our engineers.

And Andrea Lopez Crusado check the facts. I'm Noel King. It's today Explained.