Today, Explained - Surviving online cringe

Episode Date: February 1, 2026

The internet is forever. So how do we handle posts from our past selves? This episode was produced by Dustin DeSoto and Hady Mawajdeh, edited by Jenny Lawton, fact-checked by Sarah Schweppe, engineered by Bridger Dunnagan, and hosted by Jonquilyn Hill. Image credit Hady Mawajdeh.   If you have a question, give us a call on 1-800-618-8545 or send us a note here.  Listen to Explain It to Me ad-free by becoming a Vox Member: vox.com/members.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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get famous, and then, you know, move on. Nobody ever lets me forget it. The odds are you've said something, you probably don't want to see the light of day. The internet is this archive of all these days, all these different versions of ourselves. There's the teenage fan. I was really into the Twilight book,

so there is a lot of stuff about how much I love Twilight that is still on the internet if you Google me. The pundit. Years ago when Black Lives Matter first started up, like I posted something about like All Lives Matter and I feel really stupid about it. I've definitely come a long way. Or if you're me,

there's the reporter for your college TV station. Virginia, it's not just for levers anymore. Now it's also for presidential candidates. I was absolutely dressing for the job I wanted. I've got a power suit, pearls, poorly applied makeup, add in the shaky camera work, and wow. The Old Dominion State, along with New Hampshire, North Carolina, Florida, Ohio, Wisconsin, Iowa, Colorado, and Nevada,

make up the nine battleground states that may decide this election. I know you know this feeling. And if you're Gen Z or a millennial, you've got it bad. We've preserved basically every stage of our lives online. Every crush, every night out, every ill-informed opinion. Now, I'm not talking about offensive stuff that'll get you canceled. I'm talking about all the other old stuff. Those mementos of past you that make present you cringe.

For Spotlight Network, I'm John Flynn Hill. And this week on explaining to me from Vox, online regret, and what to do about it. Hi, my name is E.J. Dixon, and I am a senior writer for The Cut at New York Magazine. E.J. recently wrote an article called The Most Embarrassing Thing I've ever written. It's about something she published back in 2016. So the article that I wrote about for that piece was, an essay I wrote called, it's embarrassing to even say the headline, why I want Donald and Melania's marriage. What did you mean by that when you said, oh, this is the marriage I want?

Well, okay, so some context. I had just gotten engaged at the time. So something I was thinking a lot about was compatibility and the way that two people can sort of craft an ideal partnership for themselves. And there was a lot of talk at the time because Trump had either just won the nomination or was about to win the nomination about Trump and Melania

and there was a lot of scrutiny on their marriage and a lot of questions, as there are questions today, about their marriage and how they make it work because she is never around and sort of like recedes in the background. And people were very confused about that. Where was Maloney? Everyone's asking, where's Melania?

We don't see you that often. You're not on the campaign trail. How do you feel about campaigning? Well, it's my choice not to be there. I support my husband 100%. And I guess the argument I was trying to make was that this is a dynamic that works for them. Even if we don't necessarily understand it on the surface, like that doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't work for them.

But I think that the way it was framed was probably the most reductionist way, an embarrassing way possible. And obviously, I mean, it aged like milk. So I'm talking about, like, how much I hate the Trumps and how gross I find their marriage and how, like, I don't want my marriage to be anything like that. but then I have this caveat. And yet I can't help but admire how the Trumps have settled on a clearly defined division of labor in their marriage, how both partners have negotiated their terms to carve out their own spaces for each other and for themselves. To me, the Trumps represent not the 21st century ideal of an equal-footed feminist relationship, but a more complicated and frankly interesting conception of marriage. That two people can enter a partnership carving out specific roles, and maintain a harmonious domestic balance accordingly. They are not two halves of the same hole, so much as they are two complementary pieces in a 1,200-piece jigsaw puzzle reproduction

of an abstract expressionist painting. That last sentence is like, like, that's a very cringe sentence to write about the fucking Trumps. But like, I agree with that, you know? They're still, because they're still, how long have they been married? Yeah, I mean, they're still together.

They're making it work. And marriage at the end of the day is about making it work however the fuck you can. So I still stand by that. And I think I'm actually surprised in retrospect by how nuanced and sophisticated that insight was, considering how stupid I was. Yeah. What about the piece is embarrassing? Is it just about the Trump of it all or is it anything more?

It is about the Trump of it all. But I think beyond the Trump of it all, it's reflective. of a certain era of the internet. It was a product of an era of the internet that was very clickbaity, I think, where every headline was kind of demanding as much attention as possible. Like it was the era of like the Facebook algorithm

where all of the headlines were like, the one reason why you should care about like Chrissy Teigen's postpartum depression or something like that. And I feel like why I want Donald and Melania's marriage was very much in that tradition. So it's a little cringe and embarrassing, like in that respect, like that I was sort of playing the game. But it was also an era of the Internet that was very, like, earnest. And I write something in the piece that I wrote for the cut that cringe is sort of, there's a formula for cringe, which is like earnestness plus vulnerability plus underlying insecurity equals cringe.

And at the time, like, I considered myself a very staunch feminist and a very staunch leftist. And I was a little insecure about the fact that, like, I was about to get married and, like, enter this institution. Ooh, you were about to do the patriarchy. Exactly. Yeah. And I was, and I was insecure about that. And I was sort of, like, I could see myself, like, on the page trying to, like, justify it to myself because it was something that I was, like, insecure about. And rereading it, like, that was very cringe to me, like, seeing my insecurities about. my impending marriage and whether or not it was quote unquote feminist, like, refracted in Donald and Melania Trump of all people. Like, it's just really stomach turning and, like, embarrassing to read in retrospect. Like, why did I think this was anybody's business? Yeah, you know, I think

it's interesting. You talked about, like, that I call it the personal essay industrial complex. I mean, the whole internet was one big live journal. Yeah, can you talk a little bit more about how that factored into your, like, choice in writing different stuff back then? It was a time when vulnerability was really encouraged, and for, like, a very, very small amount of money, young women were encouraged to really just, like, expose the most vulnerable parts of themselves. And honestly, like, in the grand scheme of things, I wrote things that were way more embarrassing than that. I talk about in the cut piece, about this piece that I wrote about like post semen spillage, like after sex, and like how me and my fiance at the time

like dealt with it? Do you shake it off? Like a cat coming out of the bath? Or a Taylor Swift backup dancer? Because you had to reference Taylor Swift in 2016. Shake it off. Or do you stand up and force it to seep out by jiggling around like a preschooler at Jimberie? Do you wipe it down?

And if so, who retrieves the towel? Do you do it in a house? Do you do it with a mouse? I see the thing is I see you cringing in real time where you're just like no yeah I mean I look back at that stuff and I'm just like it's so emblematic of the era and it's also just like why like why would I do that to myself like it's like oh that's a lot of information what was I thinking like why did I think why would that why did I think this would age well like in the slightest so what's changed for you since then what's different now um well I think the industry has changed, obviously. I obviously have changed. I've, you know, grown up, matured, had kids. That's obviously been a big factor. Like, I don't want my kids to read the cement spillage piece, you know? That's the big reason why I don't write about that kind of thing anymore. But, I mean, I'm also a different kind of writer. Like, shortly after I wrote that piece, Trump was elected and I started transitioning to covering, you know, online extremism. And I started working for Rolling Stone. And I started working for Rolling Stone. and started becoming, you know, an investigative journalist. And, you know, I didn't center myself in my work anymore. And I think that really benefited me both as a writer and, like, as a person.

Like, the thing that happens to everybody when they move from their 20s to their 30s, like in their personal life, happened to me as a writer as well. Like, like, I just became, you know, professionally and personally. Like, I just shifted away from that. Yeah. Which I think was very beneficial. I think that there is something about that era of the Internet that I am nostalgic for and really miss. And like when we talk about it, we usually make fun of it.

But I think there are things about it that we should appreciate. Everything I see about the way people talk about themselves on the Internet today is so intricately curated and branded. and there's so much thought put into it. It's not like you can just go on live journal and like, you know, blog about your period anymore and just hit post. There's just so much more work put into it. You can't just go on main and be messy.

Like, I can't even remember the last time I've seen like a genuine crash out on TikTok or Instagram. And if there is, like, everybody just makes fun of that person. Yeah. And I, yeah, I just wish that there was more space on the internet for, like, genuine earnestness and vulnerability. Like, even if it is cringe, even if it is messy, like, we should be making room for that. We should be celebrating that. Do you ever wish you could delete that past self from the internet, though?

Of course. Or you're like, yes, absolutely. Of course I do. I mean, I know that's not, like, the right answer. I know that's not, like, what I should say. But I know I should say, like, no, I would like to preserve it in Amber and, like, because it's, you're not. It's imperfect, but it's beautiful. But no, there are like a million things I wish I could delete.

So you've got something embarrassing out there online. You could delete it, but should you? That's next. Support for today explained comes from Grow Therapy. Grow Therapy wants to help. They say they can help you get a therapist who gets you, and they can find one way easier and faster than traditional methods With a network of thousands of independent licensed therapists across the U.S., they are confident, you will find the right one.

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and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. We're back. I'm JQ. This is Explained to me. And the running joke online is never post.

But let's say you ignore that wisdom. What do you do now? I'm Alexandra Samuel. and I'm a tech journalist. I write for the Wall Street Journal, and I'm the host of the podcast, me and Viv. Okay, Alex, what are your thoughts on deleting your online presence? Is that a good thing, a bad thing? Is it sometimes necessary? I think that you need to think about deleting things you've posted as curation and not deletion, deletion. You really never know what is archived, you know, the Internet Archive keeps snapshots of all kinds of things on the Internet.

So, you know, you need to be aware that when you delete something, it might be deleted for you. That doesn't mean it's deleted from the Internet. And actually, I think when you delete things, it's always a good idea to back them up before you delete them. Because, like, think about, imagine a scenario where you've posted something on Insta or wherever. You realize afterwards that you were kind of an idiot and you wish you hadn't said what you said. And maybe you even had like on Insta a back and forth in the common thread where the person pointed out why what you said was insensitive and you showed some capacity for movement and learning. Well, maybe you want to delete that because you don't really want that to be something people stumble across. But if you delete it without archiving it, then if it ever comes back to haunt you, you don't have that evidence of you learning in public.

It's much better to make sure like take the screenshots, archives a thread. and back up all that context so that if it does still come back to haunt you, or even if you just want to reflect on, oh, do you remember that stupid thing I did in like, you know, 2014? Well, yes, I do remember that stupid thing I did because here's the screenshot. It almost sounds like, I don't know, I don't know if you've ever gone back and read old journals. Every time I do, I'm just like, oh, why did I read this? This is none of my business, what old me thought.

You know, it's funny you said that. I've literally had that exact experience of rereading old journals, my college journals. It was a quite put a very different spin on my first love affair when I read it with the wisdom of hindsight. And I do wish I hadn't reread it. So I think we just all need to realize that like by definition, anything that is a snapshot is a two-dimensional image of something that we experience, you know, as humans in at least three dimensions. And whether you're looking at your own history of something that you did or even more if you're looking at something you come across where someone else said something that seems to you ill-advised, like, I just wish we could have a little more tenderness and empathy and focus on what people learn and how we grow rather than like judging everyone by their most awful moment. Do you have any advice for best practices when it comes to having a social media presence you won't be ashamed of? in like five or ten or, I don't know, 20 years?

What I would say over now more than 20 years of working with people in organizations is that trying to have a social media presence where you never regret anything is a recipe for having a completely meaningless and stupid social media presence. Now, conversely, I think it's important to resist the lure of the hot take. Here are my insanely hot takes. Here are some hot takes that might get me canceled. You guys ask, I listen. So here is part two, rapid fire, of things that I think are hot takes, but secretly think a lot of you will agree with.

But I think, like, what you need to do is try and chart that middle ground where you've got to not court controversy for its own sake. Because I think when you're deliberately, like, pushing people's buttons, that's where you end up saying, things that don't reflect what you truly believe, but your goal is to have a social media presence where you never regret anything, then truly don't be online. And that's, I actually think a really, really good option now. And if I were not like you, a journalist for whom part of the job is showing up online, I do not know if I would use social media anymore. That's real, yeah. Because there's just so, there's just so much garbage and so much fakeness and who needs it. So it sounds like if you're going to share anything online, that feeling of regret may be inevitable, how do you survive it?

A few different tactics. The first thing to do is take yourself out of it, depersonalize it, and think, if this were happening to a friend and just see, like, okay, if it wasn't me who was being raked over the coals, what would I think here? What I think this is super unfair? Would I think, God, that was a really insensitive thing this person. said and they should probably admit it, and really just try to be as kind to yourself as you would be if it was your best friend who was in this situation. Like, picture this happening to your best friend. Don't hesitate to admit if you think you were wrong, but don't rush to respond either. Like, you really, really, really need to close the computer, put the phone down, walk away.

If you're like me, like I'm not some Zen practitioner, I can't just put things out of my head. This is why television exists. I like go and, you know, watch some super engrossing TV show to make myself not think about it. Talk to somebody else, like somebody with good judgment. You know, somebody you respect, talk to one or two people and get them to look and say, what do you think? Should I respond? And then, you know, like, yeah, the internet moves quickly. But unless you are a celebrity and you're getting like 100,000 responses and you're,

hour, there's actually no reason that, like, the three crappy comments can't wait to be addressed the next day. And then, you know, you absolutely can say you're wrong. And I actually think one of the most powerful things that we can do as humans, as professionals, and as internet users is to show that, like, you can be wrong and you can even be wrong on the internet, and it doesn't kill you. It doesn't destroy your value as a human. And you know what?

If you admit you're wrong, some people are still going to keep coming for you. But that's a bad look for them. It's not a bad look for you. And I think the more that we all accept the process of being wrong in public and like live with it, the less heated and terrifying it becomes and the more genuine we can be. So the Internet stirs up all these complicated feelings. Could that be a good thing? That's next.

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future together. Mutual funds are offered through Cooperators Financial Investment Services Inc. to Canadian residents except those in Quebec in the territories. Segregated funds are administered by cooperators' life insurance company. Life insurance is underwritten by cooperators' life insurance company. I'm JQ. It's explained it to me, and I called up Amelia Not. She's a registered psychotherapist who specializes in what it means to be well online. I think what makes it especially cringy is, you know, a lot of us

use the internet as a place to individuate, as a place to try on new identities or new perspectives or new ways of communicating, you know, maybe it's different from our families or the place we grew up. I think digital spaces for many of us. And this, this can be a good thing, become potentially safe or, you know, the accessible places we have to experiment with new identity. So I think that's developmentally appropriate given when we may have joined social media, but it does leave us with this massive archive of maybe daily images or daily evidence of what we were experimenting with. I wonder how you see that impacting our self-esteem. I mean, I think it's really challenging. It's hard at the best of times to be confronted

with who we've been in the past. It's hard to watch ourselves grappling with new ideas or trying something on. Like, it's vulnerable to be seen trying. Maybe that's the important thing. It's vulnerable to be seen trying something new. And to do that in such an exposed way is so vulnerable. So let's say you see a post or a photo that you put up a long time ago that makes you feel uncomfortable. You know, shame and regret, those are awful feelings to have. What's a healthy way to deal with that? Oh, I know it's kind of annoying for therapists to say, you know, try to have some empathy for yourself, try to offer yourself grace. But I think one way to do that is getting curious.

Like if it's really bothering you, it might be useful to like have a conversation. conversation or journal questions like what was going on in 2011 like what was happening in my life what was happening in the world what was I trying to tell people about myself or what need was I trying to get met right like if I look at my travel blog through that lens I might be able to be bit more gentle with myself maybe I was trying to have a different identity from the person I was when I was young and trying to be known for something different and I think online especially we forget that because social media collapses context. We forget that there's a whole person on the other side of a screen,

even when it's ourselves on the other side of that screen, right? So asking those questions about our intentions, I think is an invitation back in to remember our humanity, right? That we're all looking for validation, approval, that it's not a crime to seek attention. It's actually just really, really human. And I think shame flourishes in isolation. So sitting alone looking at that post, just like cringing and spiraling out, isn't great.

But one way I think of mitigating that is maybe sharing it with someone who knew you at that point in your life or someone who knows you really well now who sees the wholeness of you and understands what was going on for you in that moment. And that it wasn't just the stupid hat you chose to wear or the brooding playlist or whatever, whatever cringy thing it was. right? So bring somebody else in to witness it with you, I think also goes a long way. Yeah. Is this just a fact of life now? Like, I don't know, are we all going to have stuff we're embarrassed about online and we just have to live with it? Like, is that just, it's like, well, them's the breaks, you know? I think so, right? The advice to try and do an audit of your digital footprint isn't actually

all that useful, right? The record of us online is pretty hard to scrub completely. So I think it's kind of like being a person with just like a lot of tattoos. You're probably not going to love the one you got when you were 18, right? Yeah. And instead of thinking of it as, oh my gosh, I'm in this like person of my own body with all these dumb images, thinking about it instead like I have this record of a time and a place and what I thought was cool, what my aesthetic sensibilities, you know, looked like what was important to me at that time.

And it's like a scrapbook. But if we hold everything we've ever said and everything we've ever posted online to the standard of our values in the present, the sociopolitical context we exist in, we're going to find things to cringe at every time. Is there a way to harness that bad feeling and use it for good? I think there's a different kind of carefulness as we become more literate in just the power and vulnerability of showing up online. So that feels like a positive. But when it comes to like actually feeling ashamed, that core feeling of like I am bad, I think that's a place where we can get curious and try to bring in some more self-compassion. I don't know if shame is ever really useful. But regret, I think, can be motivating to do better, to learn more, to research deeper when we're up against moments where we've been ignorant or have kind of spoken out of context.

That's it for this week. We're working on an episode about the winter blues. Do you get them? If you do, what are your tricks to make them go away? Give us a call at 1-800-6-18-8545 or email us at AskVox. at Vox.com. If you like this and other Vox podcasts, you can help us keep making them

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and fact checked by Sarah Shweppy. Engineering was by Bridger Dunigan and our executive producer is Miranda. I'm your host, Johnclan Hill. Thank you so much for listening. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.