Today, Explained - We should party more

Episode Date: September 20, 2026

We’re lonely, isolated, and bored. The solution may be as simple as an invite and killer playlist. This episode was produced by Dustin DeSoto, edited by Jenny Lawton, fact-checked by Melissa Hirsch, engineered by David Tatasciore, and hosted by Jonquilyn Hill. A raucous loft party. Photo by Hiroyuki Ito/Getty Images. If you have a question, give us a call at 1-800-618-8545 or email [e-mail] to Explain It to Me ad-free by becoming a Vox Member: vox.com/members. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I love to party. I have for a long time, although I've toned that down quite a bit. I don't mean to brag, but my wife and I throw the greatest parties. It's so hard to get people out of their houses these days. So another rule I have is I just invite like literally everyone. You have been invited to a fabulous secret party. You arrive to the apartment. I buzz you up. A friend of mine that you don't know

greets you at the door. And then they immediately put a blindfold on you. They take you by your hands, and then they walk you through the apartment, and they sit you down. They take your hand, and they put it on someone's knee, and they say, Hi, JQ, this is Brandon.

Brandon, this is JQ. I'll leave you at it. If you need anything, just raise your hand. We're happy to ring you a drink. And then you start talking to a stranger. You have to be very thoughtful in the curation of the 25 people that I was doing this. You can't be people who know each other. And people start talking to each other.

When you take a sense away like this, it markedly changes the way you engage with someone. You really kind of skip the basic questions and you kind of start going into your feelings. We do about 10-minute cycles and then a little bell rings. And then my friend who's helping me will help me rotate the pairs. So you're meeting a different person and we go through this cycle maybe three times. And then finally you can take your blindfold off. And you obviously can see the person that you most recently had a conversation with. And then a lot of the evening you kind of spend it trying to figure out who the first two people you were speaking with, you know, during the beginning of the party.

This is Victor Jeffries. He's based in New York. And as you can probably tell, he's a lot of. very serious about creating an experience that is both magical and memorable. I love pushing up to the line to make people feel uncomfortable in the safest of ways, just to kind of switch it up a little bit. Many of us haven't switched it up in a while. We're in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. More than half of Americans say they feel isolated, and there are lots of reasons why.

One is that the art of the social gathering is in serious decline. In 2023, only about 4% of adults said they went to a party on a weekend or holiday. It's like we forgot how to host a dinner party or a blindfolded meet-a-stranger's fray. I'm John Glyn Hill. This is explained it to me from Vox. And this week, we're going to teach you how to throw the perfect party. Humans have been turning up for thousands of years.

Imogen Willidge traces the evolution of the party in her book, Up All Night, a History of Going Out. And she says there was a time where the rowdiest parties were religious. So for most of human history, the experiences that we associate with nightlife, so drinking, dancing, music, you know, hedonism, for most of human history, those experiences were simply part of religion. Because religion was so all-encompassing, you know, it contained people's head. hedonistic instinct. There was nothing really outside of it. And so there's even evidence, which I love thinking about this, that the churchgoing experience in medieval England was actually quite rowdy and quite raucous. And there's one theory, like on feast days there would be drinking, there would be dancing. And there's one theory that pews, like the wooden pews were introduced in

Wells Cathedral here in England to subdue the dancing because it was so raucous. You know, I can see that. I think of when I got a church on Sunday and hear the music. I do get the same feeling I get when I'm on the dance floor and I hear Ktra Nata. I can imagine how these religious experience allowed people to kind of access that feeling of release through music and through dance. An expression that I came across when researching the book that I think really wonderfully kind of captures the essence of nightlife and partying is this term coined by the sociologist Emil Dirkheim in 1912, which is collective efferves. That's the feeling that we experience during peak communal experiences.

So, you know, whether it's at a sports match or a, you know, concert stadium. And even, you know, within religion, you're talking about your churchgoing experience. You know, that is collective effervescence and that is the same sensation, that surge of euphoria that people feel and dance floors. And so I do think parties and nightlife are so. such an important way to access this very important human feeling, particularly in societies that are increasingly atheist or increasingly secular. You know, we need nightlife to have these communal, euphoric experiences and feel part of something bigger than ourselves. You know, you've written about how, yes, parties are fun, but they're also at the epicenter

of some pretty important cultural and societal shifts. Can you tell me about that a little bit? I think nightlife is very uniquely poised to allow for experimentation and innovation and transgression. And also in a very practical way, if you're part of, you know, the abstract expressionist scene of mid-century New York or something, you need somewhere to meet and talk to people and figure out how you're going to sell your crazy, you know, work that's like nothing people have ever seen before. So these social spaces, I think, play a really, really important role in culture. So, yeah, the abstract expressionist artists were hanging out in the Cedar Tavern. And then you have things like the Viennese succession movement and cabaret flayed a mouse was part of that meeting space. But then similarly, you get things like dance and music that's very much created for dance floors, for clubbing, for nightlife. You know, the Can-Can. And then disco.

And then techno. Nightlife has had this, you know, really, really crucial, propulsive. You know, yeah, it's been so crucial to the propulsion of culture. A lot of this is happening in the club. But I also wonder, what about parties happening in private homes? One of the great examples of people opening up their homes, and actually in a sense, sort of turning the home into a club, was turn of the century New Orleans.

So this is like the advent of jazz, the beginning of this, you know, seismic shift within music. On Saturday nights, people would host fish fries, which is basically when you would open up your home to the public. You would charge entry on the door. And once inside, people were treated to this amazing spread of food, drink, and there would be bands that would perform at them. And it was often a way for households who were struggling with rent payments to just earn some extra cash.

you know, great, great function. And it really, they had a huge impact in the development of jazz culture. It meant that there was always work for musicians because these Saturday Night Fish Fries was such a big part of the social scene in New Orleans. And similarly, you know, it happens again in Harlem in the 1920s. You know, Langston Hughes writes about the Saturday night rent parties where people's apartments would be opened up in the exact same way. The Saturday night rent parties that I attended were often

more amusing than any nightclub. In small apartments where God knows who lived, because the guests seldom did, but where the piano would often be augmented by a guitar, or an odd cornet, or somebody with a pair of drums walking in off the street.

And the dancing and singing and impromptu entertaining went on until dawn came in at the windows. And he wrote about them and said they were more interesting than anything that was going on and the cabarets and the clubs. Like he was going to those as often as he could and, you know, collecting the invitations for them.

So people would write their address on business cards, like leave them in, you know, different shops and pubs and hairdressers or whatever. And then you would pick them up and then go to the party. And Langston Hughes held, you know, collected them. And they're now randomly in a Yale archive of all places. It's just so funny to think of like the party being historical. It makes me think of my freshman year, the upperclassmen who were renting houses near campus, they would have these parties and they would be like, okay, we're going to have a party, it'll be for the freshmen, we'll charge them all like $5 to get in. You come in, lights off, music is loud, sweat dripping down the walls. But they had their rent for the month. They made a pretty penny off of us and our $5. I had no idea that was part of like the American College experience. I'm glad that rent parties are still going.

As you think of parties over the centuries, are there elements that all the best parties have in common? Like, I don't know, what do all the best parties have? Yeah, I guess, you know, at their very, very kind of core essence, you know, you need like good music, you need good lighting, low lighting, crucially flattering lighting is very important. But I think also you need to create this atmosphere where the sense that sort of anything can happen and what you want is for the people that are at your party to feel like they can behave differently or do something a little bit wild. I think that there's something very satisfying in experiencing a kind of domestic world upturned a little bit. You know, I think, you know, seeing the kitchen become a gloomy cocktail

bar, you know, the living room becomes a dance floor. I think there's something, there's something very satisfying and experiencing that. And I think it goes back to what the heart of nightlife culture or party culture is all about. You know, we want to shed our daily lives. You know, you want that sense of slight disorder that makes people feel kind of alive. Up next, how to transform your domestic world into a place where everyone can get a little bit Wild. Hey, what's up, guys? It's Babbish, and on this week's episode of In The Booth,

I'm joined by chef, cookbook author, and Food Network legend, Alex Gornishelli. We're talking about chops, the Hamptons, and what it takes to make a cry-worthy pasta. You can listen now wherever you get your podcasts. Support for TakeSplain comes from 11 laps. If you're a business owner, you probably don't want the thing your customers remember about you

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alongside your team to get agents into production. If you run a business or handle customer operations across support, sales, or marketing, you can start with a demo at 11labs.io slash TE. See how 11 agents can fit into your workflows and help build experiences that your customers will actually love 11 labs.io slash te, spelled E-L-E-V-E-N-L-A-B-S-D-I-O-S-T-E. This is explained it to me. I'm J-Q. My name is Halston Bruce, and I have a bunch of titles, but basically I call myself a toast mistress. I'm a curator. I'm an event producer, cultural producer and consultants, and also an experimental

olfactory artist, so I tinker with perfumes. Halston hosts huge parties for corporate clients with celebrities and hundreds of guests. She's also hosted smaller parties for her friends at her L.A. loft. And she says, no matter what the event is, the role of the host is always the same. I mean, to make people feel comfortable, it's a transmission of care, right? Like you're bringing somebody into your space and you want to disarm them. Like, you want to make sure that they feel comfortable to go talk to somebody else. I mean, it's saying all this and like, oh, I'm a party host, toast mistress.

I'm deeply an introvert. So something where someone like me would feel comfortable. Like, hey, this person also studies olfaction. You should talk to them or, you know, somebody making like a nice introduction or kind of giving you. That is one thing I love doing is introducing my friends that I've never met before or a new friend of bringing them in and making them feel very comfortable. How do you create that comfortable space? do you get your guests warmed up and sort of, I don't know, ready to settle in and have a good time? When somebody comes in, I give them every single ounce of my attention, my being.

I focus it on them if I don't know them. I shake their hand or hug them and look them in the eyes, give them eye contact, and then show them where the beverages are. So usually my first thing is like, here's the beer, here's the wine. You don't drink. That's awesome. Here's like a decaffinated tea I made, you know, like having, making sure that they like can help themselves. Like, you are in my house and you're welcome to be here. Walk me through some of the must-haves for a good party from a practical sense. Like, what do I need to do food-wise, music-wise, light-wise, vibe-wise?

Say it's my first time hosting a party. I want to do a really good job. What are some things I should do? Well, my, like, big trick that I learned in doing this work is that you only get one shot at having people come into a space. You only get that opportunity once, and you cannot fuck it up. So when I'm hosting bigger events, it is that, like, first, I always make sure that that, like, first reveal is on point. Like, I do not open the doors unless it is perfect. I'm into scent and fragrance.

And so I always make sure that my fragrance is on point. So whether it's incense, lighting candles. And then music is also very important. I love music. I love deep cuts. So I always try to have something where someone's like, hey, what is this? Like if somebody notices the playlist and says like, I know what the hell are we listening to? Like, I like it.

It's weird. Like, that is such a compliment. Yeah, would you see someone sneak out the Shazam and just very covertly? Yeah, yeah. And then as I mentioned earlier, like non-alcoholic beverages, if you are cooking for people, you know, making sure you know their dietary needs. And another thing that I really like doing in my own home, can't do this in bigger events. I have a bunch of mismatched glasses that I've just collected, like, hand-blown glasses and weird ceramic things, like just goofy stuff and just things that every single glass is different.

So when I direct people to the beverages, they get to pick out their glass. And so that's... Oh, that's cute. And that's, like, theirs for the night that it's identifiable. So not everyone's drinking out of red solo cups. Like, you have to have proper glassware. Say you're at, like, a dinner party and you want folks to come. connect with one another. I know that as a host, you're like, okay, I'm very present. How do you

encourage that connection among your guests with one another? I actually quite like the Proust questionnaire. I think it's like 35 questions or something, but I've taken it upon myself to rewrite the questionnaire and write some new questions of my own. What do you like most in a person? What do you like least in a person? Kind of like silly, simple things like that that, like, you know, You can answer anything and it could kind of just be a conversation starter to something else. When and where were you happiest? On what occasion do you lie? And everyone always enjoys it because you're basically interviewing them, right? And asking kind of their deeper ingrained thoughts.

Is life long or is it short? What's your favorite idea of happiness? What do you fear most in life? How long did it take to perfect your party throwing? Like, you know, I imagine it's a lot of trial and error, a lot of, ooh, this work, this didn't. I mean, that's a good question because I don't think it's ever going to be finished. And I think because each one is its own, like, element of chaos, bringing people together. Like, there's so many things you can't control when that happens, you know. You do have to be confident to bring somebody into your space, right? And I think to get over that, like, the little things, like having a really sick playlist or, like, have your DJ friends send you something, be like, this is the energy I want in the room. Like, if you don't have those skills, like, ask your friends. Ask somebody to host with you. It's hard to get people's attention and to get people in a room together

like you've got to make it good. You have to give them an experience and whether it's just really amazing company like how many parties have I've been to where it's like I could have given a shit what was going on like the people there were amazing but it truly is magical to bring people in a space together

and kind of see what happens. Coming up the other half of the equation how to be a magical party guest. Support for the show comes from Masterclass. It's never too late to learn something new, and Masterclass is here to prove it. Unlike other learning platforms, Masterclass puts you in the room with people who define their fields. They're not just experts, but the best in the world. They offer more than 200 classes across 13 categories and have plans starting at just $10 a month billed annually.

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Soy, almond, and oat are the usual suspects, but you can get rice and hemp and pee and cashew and macadamia and pistachio and coconut. The list just goes on and on. Take oat milk. About a decade ago, I'd never even heard of it. But then suddenly oat milk was everywhere. And some people were even willing to pony up around a hundred bucks for a carton. Why? What happened?

The whole plant milk vibe seems to be that they're healthy and good for the planet. But is that true? Are they better for us and for the environment than cow's milk? All that, plus the weird story of how we even came to drink cow's milk in the first place in this brand new episode of Gastropod. Find gastropod and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. I'm JQ. Back with Moore Explain It to Me. When it comes to creating the perfect party atmosphere, there's a lot of pressure on the hosts. But guests have a role too.

And it's a pretty important one. My name is Kat Velos. I'm the author of the book We Should Get Together, and I help people, companies, and municipalities have a much easier time building social connection. So what's the job of a guest? I would say anything that doesn't create work for the host. So if you're going to bring flowers, they need to be already trimmed and arranged nicely in a jar of water, not a task that that person has to frantically do. If you're going to bring a drink, it should be easy to open. If it's alcohol or non-alcoholic, bring something that works for a crowd, right? But one of the underrated things I think is really good to bring is a willingness to help without needing to be asked. So one of my friends had a party one time where she found out after the party that somebody had spilled like some wine on this like bunch of like folded blankets in a bin.

And she didn't know until after the party. Like whoever spilled it like didn't clean it. So if you notice a spill, clean it up. And if there's a pile of dishes in the sink, just go ahead and wash some. Don't ask, you know, just start doing it until they tell you to stop. Okay, being a good guest also involves a lot of talking. And I will say, I know my way around a conversation. That is why I sit before you today.

Love it, love it. But talking with a stranger and trying to connect with them, that can be really hard. I want to have a good night. I want to socialize, but what do I even say? Does that happen to you ever? Yeah. So I'm a little bit of an anomaly because I am somewhat obsessed with questions that spark really good conversations. And so, and it doesn't mean you have to memorize like 365 questions. But pick like two or three that are your go-toes. You're like, I love that question. I love asking it to people. I love sharing my answer as well. And it gets a good conversation going and just keep those two or three in your back pocket. And I think it's also meaningful to pick a question that's relevant to the context that you're in. Right. So for example, if you meet somebody at the blog, you know, party where like all your neighbors are hanging out, pick something that's relevant to that setting where you're connecting with your block, connecting with your hyperlocal community. A good question might be, what are some of your favorite local hidden gems around here in the neighborhood?

Because that can be anything. That could be a favorite park. That could be a favorite bench. That could be a favorite bar. That could be anything. And most people have an answer, you know, versus like if you're at a networking event, what do you do? If you're at a party, could we stop asking people, what do you do?

Okay. And I will say I live in D.C. I live in D.C. And what do you do is like the question. I can't take it anymore. Oh, my gosh. It is the, no matter where you are, people are going to ask you what you do. We have it so bad here. I admit. Branch out. We got to have other options of things to ask. Plus, like, in this economy, some people don't have jobs. Some people got laid off. Some people are stay-at-home caregivers. Not everybody has an answer to that question. It can actually be pretty alienating. So let's start with something else, right? How do you know the host?

How long have you lived in the neighborhood? What are your favorite things to do this summer? You know, ask something else. Invite a story, invite somebody to share something that's meaningful to them. I mean, their job might be meaningful to them, but there's probably a lot of other things than just whatever their capitalism survival strategy is, you know? You ever have that feeling when you're at a party and you meet someone and you're just like, oh my gosh, we are really connecting. Like, where have you been? Are we about to be friends forever?

Like, I don't know. I think of that scene in Step Brothers rule. It's like, what? Did we just become best friends? Yep. How can you tell if that connection is real? Yes. So the conversation is flowing.

You're really listening. You're leaning into the conversation. You're saying, oh, yeah, this next thing reminds me of that. And like, what do you think about that? And like, have you ever heard of this thing? And like, it's just bubbling up. You know, you just feel that like beautiful, like virtuous spiral. You move up and up and up and up.

It's such a good feeling. And so when that's happening, I think it's really, really natural. Like, for me, it's natural. It takes practice. It may not feel natural to you. but to me it's very natural to say, I'm really loving this conversation. I'd love to keep in touch with you after this party. Is it okay with you if I give you my number or my contact?

And I phrase it that way on purpose because what you're doing is offering rather than taking. You're saying, can I give you my contact? And if they say yes, chances are they will also give you back, right? Or you might say I'll text it to you or something like that and then you have their number. And so in that way, you're laying the seed to continue it. You're checking. You're gauging. Does this person actually want to keep in touch with you?

And then from there, the next thing to plant a seed, instead of just being like, yeah, we should hang out someday, which like often does not materialize into anything. Yeah. Okay. I was going to say, because it's always like, we should hang out. And then it's like, I never saw that person again. We never hug out. It happens all the time. But the thing there to do is to ask them this question.

What would you love to be invited to? Or like, if I'm going to something and you'd want to come along, what kind of things would you like? love to say yes to. Oh. And so with that, you're going to learn what they would actually maybe say yes to. And so then either pick a time right then. So if they say, I love to get tacos and I want to go to this taco place you were just telling me about that has the best taco. Be like, cool, let's pick a date. Let's go. Do you want to go next Tuesday? Taco Tuesday, it's $3, you know. And so pick up the conversation. See if you can get an invitation or a next date, like right then, like in the calendar when you're trading up. If that feels like too much,

then at least follow up with something relevant within the next day or two after you met them to pick up the thread of that conversation and keep it going. The research shows that more people live alone now more than ever before. We also spend more time alone now than ever before. And that doesn't necessarily mean like there's something wrong with you. Like I'm an introvert. I am very happy to spend a lot of time in solitude. I have so many projects I could be doing.

I'm in my thoughts a lot. I'm writing a lot. that can be a joyful place. But the difference between solitude and loneliness is whether or not you want it, right? Whether you want that state of being on your own. And so when you create the opportunity to get together, you're creating the opportunity for someone who wants to take a break from being alone to come and be with other people, right, in a way that fills their cup.

And it's important to do that in ways that honor who we are as people. And so in that way, there's a lot of folks out there who, the reason they don't like parties is because the parties they go to don't work for them. You know, it's either over-stimulating or it's too loud or it's too many people or it's whatever, whatever it is for them. And so wherever that dissatisfaction lies is the opportunity for you to make the kind of room you want to be in. So when it's time to leave, what's the best way to say goodbye? Do I just like sneak out the door quietly. You got to say goodbye to the host. Like, go see them, look them in the eye. You know, holding it and be like, hey, I'm so glad you invited me. This was such a great night. Let them know

something specific that you appreciated about being there that night. Make it honest for you. And then depart. Okay, Halston, you've got an apartment full of guests. How do you close out the night? How do you tell them like, hey, you ain't got to go home, but you got to get up out of here? I'm pretty direct, so I will just say, get the F out. I'll just be like, we got to get out of here. I'll also just start cleaning sometimes, and people are like, okay, I either help her or leave. Like, if she's washing dishes, I don't want to wash dishes, so I got to get out of here. It's usually a sure fire sign.

When I'm ready for people to go, I blast La Traviata as loud as it will go. You know, very old, well-known opera. And, you know, people get the idea. And with that, our party is over. But before you head to whatever after party you have up next, I have a request. We have a show coming up about personal style. We want to know, how did you develop yours? And in our current moment of fast fashion and AI outfits, is it harder to feel original?

Give us a call at 1-800-8-545 or shoot an email to Ask Vox. If you enjoyed listening to this episode, consider becoming a Vox member. It's the best way to help make this show happen and you get to listen with zero ads. Head over to vox.com slash members to learn more. This episode was produced by Dustin DeSoto. It was edited by Jenny Lawton, fact-checked by Melissa Hirsch, engineered by David Tattashore. Our executive producer is Miranda Kennedy. And I'm your host, John Glyn Hill.

Thank you so much for partying with us. I'll talk to you soon. Bye!