Tomorrow - Episode 60: Halle Kiefer, If That's Her Real Name

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

The podcast is coming from inside the smartphone – and it's a ghost. Or a zombie. Or an alien. Or... oh, it doesn't matter. As Josh and comedian/writer Halle Kiefer discover this episode: Only John Carpenter makes a solid horror movie. They also touch on TV set in Los Angeles, explore the Lifetime film canon, and diminish the importance of Improv as an art form. Before the show's over, you'll know quite a bit about about how to impersonate Aziz Ansari, how to steal Jennie Garth's hair, and, of course, how to fake your way into a consulting job. The secrets of the cosmos are contained in Episode 60. And they'll horrify you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey and welcome to Tomorrow, I'm your host Josh Wittipulski. Today on the podcast we discuss home invasions, Ursula, and the arcats. I don't want to waste one minute, let's get right into it. My guest today is a writer for the great, great website, Vulture, a comedian or comedian, depending on who you talk to. A comedy writer and of course, an award-winning film director. I'm talking about Halle Kiefer. Halle, thank you for being here.

Of course. That's right. Yeah, and I just want to say, nobody calls themselves a comedian, which means who think I should be the one to reclaim that. Where did that, what comedian was a, it's like a Roseanne bar. Erra. Erra thing that happened. comedian was like, it's like a Roseanne, that's like a Roseanne bar. The era.

The era thing that happened. It may as well be called like a comedian. Comediat. Yeah. It's really good. Comediat's amazing. Okay, I like that. That's like a troupe.

I'll put that in my card. Okay, she still sounds a little out to me. I'll back out, I'll back out. No, no, no, you don't do anything. It's not your fault. Don't back up. I have a very loud voice. Don't back up.

That's one of my favorite. Stay right back up. That's one of my favorite. That's one of my favorite late 90s romance thrillers. Don't back up. That's the same team that did single-life email. Yeah, J-Lo. J-Lo's stars as a woman who's been wrong. She was blinded by her ex-husband and now she lives in a very tall building.

She has a sliver. She has a sliver meets whatever that, yeah, she has to fight it, whatever that. Oh, enough. Enough. It's like sliver meets whatever that yes, just to fight it. Oh enough enough. It's sliver meets enough. Well, you know, I just saw, speaking of, I just saw an excellent horror movie. I don't know who directed it, but it's called Hush. And I watched on Netflix and it's a,

it's a deaf writer who lives sort of in cabin in the woods. Oh, that's bad. I feel like if you shouldn't go out to the cabin in the woods. Boy, let me tell you, I don't think any wood should cabin in the woods. And then- I feel like if you shouldn't go out to the cabin in the woods. Boy, let me tell you, I don't think any wood shall live in the woods. You're right. Let's stop. Let's just shut down the cabin in the woods.

Let's just all admit that it's a place where evil gathers. Right. And even if it doesn't, we fall into the wild. I feel like anyone just going out alone. I'm sure it's spoiler alert, spoiler alert. What happens? Don't go into the wilderness when, and live on a bus, I guess is pretty much the...

Anybody, anybody knows that? The wilderness. You think so, man? I don't know, would you? The wilderness is against us, okay? We are intruding on the rightful place. I don't know where I'm saying that. You're chaddling a Werner Herzog right now, I feel it.

Yeah, we are intruding on the rightful owners of this world. Yeah. And they're out for revenge in the form of a hideous creature. Right. But we'll say in the movie hush, it's just some guy. Oh, really? It's like a home invasion. And fucking spoiler alert.

It's a tight-knit thing. You just ruined the movie for everyone. No, I ruined maybe the first 10 minutes. Home invasion. Home invasion movies are the best. I don't want to see, there's a home invasion movie that I've been wanting to see for a long time that you can't stream anywhere and you can't.

I don't even know if there's a, there may be like a DVD, but I won't watch a DVD because to me that's like, I'm like, I need to. I don't even know how I'd watch it. I get new glasses. You can watch on a Blu-ray player. But now DVDs look to me the way VHS used to look after DVDs happen.

Do you remember watching a VHS tape after DVD was a thing? And you know how I possibly have been looking at these things. There's like blurry shapes like moving around. It's like a light background. Like you know, do you know the movie Lost Highway? Oh yeah, yeah. You know the scene, there's a scene in Lost Highway

where Bill Pullman's character's walking through like a dark room and it's like you can just kind of make out like that's what everything looks like in VHS like just some light shapes that are coming in and out. Yeah. Anyhow. But so that's how DVDs look to me now and I think of high-definite. I don't think I can't I haven't watched a DVD I think probably in years. I feel like just anything I've watched has just been streaming. What any rages is movie it's called The House on the Edge the Park. Oh, that sounds good. It's a eight I think it's like I'm right down 81 Yeah, right it down go go for it. I think it's 81. It's it's it's kind of in like it may be by an Italian director Ryan This is a great place for you to chime in with some information

Um, and I think it's I think it's an Italian film done in New York, which there are a lot of. I'm directed by Ruggero Dio Dato. Boom. Ruggero Dio Dato. Close off the target. It rolls off. You know, it's the language really is the language of romance really is the language I love.

And do we know what we can ask you? Do we know about it? It's an English language, Italian exploitation horror film. Directed by Richero Diadato, it stars David A. Hess from West Craven's The Last House on the Left, right, a similar character. David A. Hess plays Krueger in Last House on the Left.

Does he not? Am I right? Have you seen Last House on the Left, the original? No, I'm not seeing the original. Terrifying, amazing film. Of course, you know, West Craven one day. Anything you say, what's a single-odd house? Anything.

It was creepy. Last House on the Left, right. House on the edge of the park. Which is the one of the three. I think the thing where you say the, what's a single out of house? Anything? It's a creepy last house. Last house. Yeah. House of the edge of the park. Which is the name of the cat, I guess. Typecast for this guy, by the way, it's like, oh, who's the house guy? He's always in the house movies.

Get him. David has to get him in there. But Krueger, interestingly, is where the name Freddy Krueger comes from for West Craven's eventual film series, Nightmare on Elm Street. Anyhow, so we were talking before. So you're watching horror movies.

So you said you watch Hosh, but you're doing this thing where you're watching a lot of horror movies. I'm going back and I'm just filling in a lot of gaps that in my horror knowledge, most recently, I've gone back to the 80s and my favorite movie from this experience is From Beyond, directed by Stuart Gordon. He also did Reanimator. Oh, I know Reanimator. I don experience is From Beyond, directed by Stuart Gordon.

He also did Reanimator. And I know Reanimator, I do know From Beyond. And Daygon, which I've also seen, which is also a H.B. Lovecraft inspired movie. Ooh, I like it. And From Beyond, I think this is what appeals to me is, I love any horror movie where they give you one detail. It's the same as the end of every X-Files episode,

where there's one fact where it's like, maybe this was real. And I'm like, that's great. Yeah. You know, like maybe it is a toilet monster and that could be real. And you're like, I believe it and then it's scary. You're just like, what's the one fact in from beyond?

From beyond, basically there's a machine that stimulates this, it's a part of your brain. The real, the pineal gland. And basically the idea is that you stimulate it. And this is like a, God, can you please have a look at the philosopher who, I think it was Descartes who postulate the pineal gland was like our third eye.

So the idea in the movie is that you're able to scientifically stimulate it. And then you could see, it's basically your third eye. Unfortunately, then you see a bunch of crazy fucking bots. And they're like, hey, we see you. Exactly. And they attack you. And it is like, hey, we see you. Exactly. And they attack you.

Oh, and it is. So good. It is day card. We've gone all around the world and into the annals of philosophy. Right. To talk about from beyond. OK, I'm going to rent the shit out of that.

Is that streaming on Netflix? Yeah, it was either Netflix or Amazon. I think it was Netflix. I haven't seen Reanimator. I haven't seen Reanimator. Yeah, to hell. You know, not the big fan of Reanimator, but some people love it.

Now, have you seen, so tell me what you've seen recently. I've seen all of the, you know, like, I feel like, in Sidious, the Conjuring. You're watching modern horror movies. I don't care for them as much. Have you ever seen Older Horror film? I prefer it. The Sidious and the Conjuring are brand new.

Right, I prefer an older horror movie. What's the last old horror movie, son? Well, how old are you talking about? Cause from B.A. I was told. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It could be from the, let's say 90s back. Oh, I hadn't seen the thing. Oh, the, well, the thing is from the 80s.

Wait, which, then the thing remake, or the thing remake from the 80s. Oh, sorry. You wanted to be. Or the thing from another planet, which is the original thing from the 50s. I'm talking about John Carpenter's the thing. Oh, the thing, yeah, that's from the... And you want to, like, earlier than that?

No, I'm saying, like, you go from 90s back, you can just go. Right. I'll even accept, like, you know, you talk about, you say, I species, what do you talk about that? We don't have to talk about any of it, but I'm just trying to figure out where you are in the spectrum of horror films.

I think I'm really in the 80s right now. I also watched they live Okay, so you're in by the way, I'm going to see John Carpenter play music live Oh, July 8th. He's playing in New York and I have tickets That's how to make the fact you know, I'm going with is my old producer you and this is not gonna be important to you at all I'm still a revivator my producer Magnus. Yeah Demi right in the back. No, he is his idea. It was his idea. What?

I don't know. Do you want to come? There's probably seats available. Listen, I don't want to be the third wheel on that. You definitely would be too. It definitely would be. It's me hot having me and Magnus on this John Carpenter. We literally were texting today about, he's watching, rewatching, old John Carpenter movies.

They live is one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah, I think they live in the thing are... Things incredible. Both in my top five, at least. Let me make some recommendations to you right now. Laying on me, I have my pen. So first off, you need to see... So every, almost every John Carbony movie

up until, I'm gonna say Ghost of Mars, which is really fucking bad. Oh yeah. Every John Carbony movie is great. Mm-hmm. He made, so the thing is part of something that he calls, it's called the Apocalypse Trilogy. Oh, okay.

Which is the thing, Prince of Darkness. Prince of Darkness is my favorite John Carpenter movie. And in the mouth of Madness. I have seen in the mouth of Madness, but I have not seen. It's a great film. You gotta see Prince of Darkness. Okay. Prince of Darkness, I don't wanna spoil

if anybody was about Satan. And so much more. Oh, and more. And there's a lot of mustache in it. A lot of mustache, you know, the main male character, huge mustache. Maybe it's a red head. I like it.

So what spurred this? Why are you suddenly watching horror films? I think I've just been much more interested as a genre. I think that it's very similar to comedy. Um, in as much as that, it's just like everyone is making the exact same movie over and over again. Like everyone's making jokes.

Basically, it's like, oh, everyone makes a joke about dating. The idea is that you are making an observation about the same thing, but your observation is different. And if you're the same way about horror. It's like, I could watch a million horror movies that are about someone coming into my house and killing me or whatever. And it's the different variations on it that are so enjoyable. Right.

Because I already have all these expectations built up from just like being alive and consuming culture or whatever. I don't know. And I had an idea for horror movie, but I felt like all my education, like my consumption was so low. So now I feel like I have to go back and watch all these classics. So I'm not basically reinvesting the real wheel

or thinking I have a great idea. And then it's like, oh yeah, no, that's. Right. Been done a billion times. You can't just do that. But that's sort of a powerful to not know. Right, that's true. And sometimes not knowing is a kind of power. Right, I mean, I don't think powerful to not know. Right, that's true. Sometimes not knowing is a kind of power.

Right, I mean, I don't think anyone would ever agree with it. I think that's, no, but I'm not sure what most people would say about everything, but. I mean, you might, but think about how much knowing that stuff impacts what you might create and you may create a variation on something, but you may avoid it completely if you know that it's been, been a form of it has

been done before. Yeah. I understand what you're saying. It's not a great argument, by the way, and I'm not sure that I believe it. No, no, but I mean, you know, devil's advocate. That's me. We just speak of a movie. I saw what I was too young.

I just remember seeing Charlize there are totally nude. That movie is so bad. It's really bad. It's like from Pacino's peak garbage era. Oh, he's so nuts so that movie so bad. It's really bad. It's for patina's peak Not in that movie. He's like that's speed. She gives at the end. I don't do you remember it I just I feel like you just improvise all of it. Just him screaming He definitely did they were like look how we got you. We don't know how who directed Devils advocate price Somebody

Taylor Hackford. Taylor Hackford is a very successful director who's been gone on to do a bunch of big budgets, shit. Names and Taylor Hackford movies. He probably directed like San Andreas. He did that was a- He does, he's an executive producer on a ton of huge hit Oscar movies, but as a director, Ray, proof of play.

Ray, Oscar-winning film. I think I did Devil's Advocate. But I think I'm sure the script for Devil's Advocate was Batchit Crazy. So I mean, you're working with like a man. I sure, I was like, they were like, we got. So all the dialogue for the devil. And then it's a dream.

Do you remember the end? It's a dream. Or like a hallucination brought on by, yes, Kiana Reeves, like. I remember this is a lot. I remember the Jacob's Ladder scenario. Literally by yes, what can a Reeves like Jacob's ladder scenario in the end can a Reeves is in the bathroom that he was in the beginning when basely he meets the devil and I can't remember if he the I think the devil that person know I'm saying for my childhood I remember that memory because I was just like what the fuck is going on I

could I feel bad like being making a saw but no I think at the end he wakes up and sort of like you he's been given an image of, this is the past you'll go down. If you don't correct your life, he honorees. There's no final twist where like Al Pacino opens the door to the bathroom. It's like, I got your robe. Whoah. I feel like he drove away to convertible while he played that Rolling Stone. I'm saying it's so funny.

Which is like, fuck you. This is always played everywhere. Right. Yeah. Like, it's like, okay, it's like, well, interview with the vampires in an amazing movie. Oh, definitely. I'm not gonna diss it in any way,

because it is maybe one of the greatest films ever made. Right. And actually, it's a really good movie. It's good except for the interview parts. Watch it, you're like, we gotta move this a lot. Fresh and squishy is later, it's like, so you can be, you're an actual vampire.

You're like, yeah, yeah, get back to the vampire. Shut up. You're just annoying. Make me a vampire. It's like, no one wants to hear this. This is a listad. Let him tell his story. Anyhow, he does make him a vampire, doesn't he?

Or does he just eat him? I think he does. Spoiler alert by the way, kids, you haven't seen her read any of the video. If movie is older, is more than a decade old, we're a lot of spoiler. I know part of that. Can I just so much watch, interview with the vampire?

It's a great film. Let me tell you about some of the stars. If you don't know, by the way, there. I mean watch, interview with the vampire. It's a great film. Let me tell you about some of the stars. If you don't know, by the way, there are people listening to this who don't know, it's mainly like 19. Are they eight-year-olds? Yeah, the who listen to your podcast? My team is mainly, it's actually several,

tens of thousands of eight-year-olds listen to this podcast. Oh great. Weird thing that happened, that's just our demo. So wait a couple of years and then watch, interview with the vampire. And global eight-year-olds too. Not just US eight-year-olds, but eight and then watch interview with the vampire. And global eight year olds too. Not just US eight year olds, but eight year olds across the globe.

Wow. How peculiar. Brad Pitt. And his pride. Tom Cruise. And also his pride. Chris has done it. Probably you'll hear him say she's aided the movie.

But bring it on is great too. Bring it on is an amazing film. The first time I ever saw a lies a douche co, I was like, who's this beautiful, new lady on the scene? It's douche co. You're right. I think I knew it from Buffy World.

I guess maybe you did, but I didn't, and I was very impressed. But, getting back to interview with the vampire. Less please. This is exactly what you thought we'd be talking about. Can I point out, I went to the quotes page of both those films. And I want you to know that interview with the vampires

just got snippets of memorable dialogue, little like moments then and everything's just really gorgeous and the quotes page for the devil's advocate is just like nine paragraph long rant and raves by all four of them screaming. Some of which is written in all caps on IMDB. Well those are user generated, those are user submitted. But somebody sat down and said,

I know what we need to put in here in all caps screaming about God. Yeah, he had the number one devil's advocate fan, devil's advocate fan 69 or whatever their handle is. Okay, he's like actual advocate. Yeah, he's literally the advocate. D-A-6, D-A-6-6-6 is probably his handle. Because the other ones were taken. Of course, at any rate.

So, and then, oh, Antonio Banderas plays the great vampire. There's a ton of nudity, there's a ton of violence, there's a very, very serious, homorotic, I mean, the sexual tension between Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise is so... They just stare each other and tire me with their mouth and we're in a slightly different room. It's huge. It's hard to imagine.

It is humid. It is a humid environment that they create on screen, okay? And it's very, very good. Anyhow, I recommend it. A Harley, right? We should do. You know what I'd like to do. I have to say I'm enjoying this conversation.

It's all I wanna talk about. Honestly. It's all I wanna talk to. Oh my God. We could do a whole thing that's just film recommendations. Yeah. Alright, let's talk about some other movies. You know, I just wanna say something that I really don't like

and that's how I feel like, so I've seen, you know, sinister and Sidious. Why are you watching this? This is suck. They all suck. They also suck. But I want to say in defense of the director, oh James Wan, but people directing those movies,

they're well directed and they're well acted, ghosts are not scary because they're not real. But and if you're going to make a ghost scary, they got to be fucking, like they got to be ripping the top of your house off. When they're like, when they're like, when they're lights flipping on and off, and off of like I do this not scary

I feel like ghost movies are better when it's not horror it suspends like the others like it's emotional suspense Wait a second wait a second okay I will defend I'll let you defend the others I remember that being pretty scary but Nicole Kim and brings a certain gravitas to any project emotionally scary like I scared that the kids are okay. You know, but it's not like you're seeing blood come out of the walls. It's probably not okay. If I recall. If I recall.

No, it's your original title. The kids are not okay. Anyhow, here's one thing I want to say, ghosts are not scary. Only because they are not real. And those movies rely on, I'm agreeing with you, sorry, I want to say I agree with you. And they rely on jump scares. So it's, which can work. Which can work.

Physically uncomfortable. Right. But I do think that what you, what really is frightening is when it seems like it could actually happen. And that is why I love John Carpenter movies because John Carpenter movies and West Craven movies to some extent, although it's pretty hard to imagine a scenario where Freddie Krueger is like exists.

I mean, it's a tough, it's like. But scary burn victims are real. Scary burn, burn victims. Yeah, but they don't, I have a luster, is that real? It is, yes, real, but they don't inhabit your dreams because they have some kind of,

unless you've been molecular. Because it's some kind of a hell power that they have received kind of hell power. They have received while being burned alive. Like that's just a lot of. I mean, you're right about that. You have to connect up a lot of stuff that kind of is like, maybe if you, yeah.

So, but to your point, maybe that's scarier because it's at least novel. Versus like the ghosts I feel like in these very, in these modern ghost stories are all doing very typical ghost shit. Yeah. Like they're all pretty much following the pattern. It's just gravitating and getting busted. I feel like a ghost.

They're always getting busted. If you can bust a ghost, it's not scary because then we'll just bust on the time. Yeah, and it also like, you know, for most people, bust it makes them feel good. Right, but anyway, it's a hell of a thing. People are going to do it. Right, yeah.

We can't propound. We assume it's a prop. We're compound the bust. And I don't know why the ghosts don't understand that. It's like just staying the grave. Also, here's a question. Why do the ghosts, why does slimer, why does slimer look like slimer?

What is a slimer dead person? Where's his, where's his, where's his, yeah is that the deal is that do they explain this? They better fucking address this in the new Ghostbusters movie. Or you old boycott. Yeah, I won't go. Well that do they explain this they better fucking addresses the new ghost busters movie or you'll boy Just as find out but then why why the ghost

Like a crazy like uncle Sam goes pop With who is the pop who is the pop he's the ghost of whom Stay puff I believe at the end of the first grocery We stay puff is I believe a demon that is conjured, and it takes the form of whatever pops into someone's in a dead, angry, and some head. You have a really loud voice. You are so fucking loud.

No, you have a really clear memory from what I can tell. Like, you are a memory of facts. I've seen ghostmasters like 45 times, and that never occurred to me. But I know that we're like, I don't remember it's my mom's birthday. You know what I mean? I have to like put it in Google Calendar, because I forgot. You remember the important stuff,

which is what the, what the, what apparition, what apparition, stapoff does represent it or what kind of demon you have. Anytime you jump into that stuff, like there's all the, like if you watch the Harry Potter movies, some people are ghosts,

some people are not ghosts, but what's interesting to me is that you've gonna spend all this time coming up with Intercom. Somebody's a great potter. I know you're taking it real big. Well, I just like, how dare they? Just mean like in those movies there's never like a logic.

It's just whatever is convenient. Like Poltergeist, what's going on there? It's just this is a good, I don't, there's no logic. But I do like culture. It's hard to remake. It's really original. Oh, I haven't seen the remake. People said it was bad.

I'm sure it was bad. I'm sure it's bad. But if you were called, that's a good point because Poltergeist memories happens essentially because they build their house on top of a Native American barro ground. That's cool. But that's real, but that's kind of real.

No, it's a big racist. No, racist, but also very real. It's racist to build the house there. Yeah, exactly. That's what's racist. Well, think about that. And yeah. But to your point, then the spirits are a lot are then like

Suck a girl with TV, which I'm assuming the Native Americans did not have the possibility Then the Native American goes to be like what the fuck is this right? And they would I assume they would find other ways to town torment the family Although maybe like once you're in the spirit world you're in touch with all sorts of You know, it doesn't I agree. I think what is essential to a good horror movie is internal logic, the thing, perfect internal logic. You know, even they live, good internal logic. Let me explain.

Okay. I'm about to drop some serious shit on you right now. Please. Because I have studied the work of John Carpenter. As I mentioned, I'm going to see him perform live in concert on July 8th. Right. No offense, right. You know, I'm taking it. Yeah, I have, I'm going to see him perform live in concert on July 8th. No offense, right? You some take him.

Yeah, I have barely. So John Carpenter, and I actually wrote about this at the verge many years ago, we did this thing where it was like, it was like, must watch, must read, you know, it's like stuff, you've just like, classic stuff you need to like, check out. John Carpenter and HP Lovecraft have a lot in common in that they are exploring something that is commonly referred to as cosmic horror. Yes.

And the conceit of cause, the idea of cosmic horror is that it is not supernatural necessarily. But the horror is derived from something that is, it is, it is, it is, like, extra human. It is not supernatural, but is a nature beyond what we understand. In the sense of the supernatural, like, what if ghosts existed? What if there was a whole plane of, like, you can make an argument that, oh, heaven and hell, but it's a huge religious structure around it.

There, in many ways, like, well, they live is about aliens, which is 100% not supernatural. It is based in the idea that there are beings that exist in the universe that aren't here yet, or might be here and we don't know about it. The thing, same thing, it's an alien film. But a lot of his movies are about this idea that when a human beings are confronted with something that is

a nature of a nature I know into us, we compute it as supernatural. But the reality is that it is like operated on a different level. It's like how we are to ants, we are God-like to ants. Our nature is not supernatural, but to this is un-sirable. Over them it's unsatisfiable this is unfathomable. For them it's unsatisfying. And unfathomable and therefore. So that's what I think that's actually the core of why so many of his films are so scary. Because it feels like this could happen.

And I mean that's sign me up. That's terrifying. I know that. I know that. And a great horror movie, what I want is to feel a creeping dread of just like what like that's what David David David David Lynch films as many of them are like some of the greatest horror films in my opinion because they are like they're like psychologically traumatizing. They're so they're so upsetting like some of like the soft text of what's happening is just so powerful that almost makes you feel like you

like question your reality. I think it makes a lot of sense and I think that makes me feel like, oh, and maybe this is just me and my therapist coming back to me. But I think a lot of what you're saying is like, oh, what's terrifying is that we do not have control. So it's all these different levels of control. Because when you said David Lynch, I immediately was like, I thought of David Cronenberg because of the body horror. But it's the same principle of something is going on

that is we like to think, oh, we can control our body. You can control your body. And his release, your body is being controlled or beyond control. Your body is a video player. Right. And so, and the idea of like, oh, this cosmic horror, they're these things that we can't control

or we can't stop it. But they're also not like, they're not like invented. They come from someone. It's beyond, it also doesn't need us to exist. Oh, you have to see a film, which many people hate, but I love, and I think is actually one of the best horror that I've ever seen. I like the recommendation.

The Mist. Have you ever seen it? Oh, I love the Mist. I love the Mist. I love the Mist. You're seeing the Mist? It is so, first off, they're apparently they're turning the mist into a series,

which, whatever. I don't watch it, but. That film is almost perfect. It is one of the darkest, the darkest endings of any film. If you haven't seen it, I don't wanna spoil it. I won't say any more than this. Just say, which people should see it? I think it's on Netflix.

Yeah, it's the shit. The mist is awesome. I'm, I'm, I'm been reading this book and I don see it. I think it's on Netflix. Yeah, it's the shit. The mist is awesome. I'm I'm Been reading this book and I don't want to say I finished it because I haven't and it's called in the dust of this planet Could you look up the author? I'm sorry in the dust of this planet. Oh, and it's all about basically. It's the philosophy Eugene Facker Facker Facker Facker Facker Facker TH TH okay, and it sounds British. Is he British? Sounds Jewish. Jew it, Jew, British Jewish. Like a John Ronson, he's a Jewish Brit.

Yeah, Mark Ronson. A rare breed. Oh, John Ronson. No, who's John Ronson? The guy who wrote like to be publicly shamed. So you've been publicly shamed. Mark Ronson, Jewish Brit. Are they related?

Are they related? No, they're not. Samantha Ronson, Mark Ronson. They're related. John Ronson. I don't know what about Don Johnson and John Donald Trump a Ronald but done a related or not devil's advocate here their brothers So I'm reading this book called in the dust of this planet and his it's all about like the philosophy of horror and that particular It's like in a series called the philosophy of art. So it's a American

John ronson no horror and that particular, it's like in a series called The Philosophy of Horror. So it's American. So it's American. John Ronson. No, Eugene Dagger. But is he Jewish? Can we look at how thick? I'm gonna guess, yes. Why? Why?

Is Eugene? I mean, yeah, right? Anti-Semitic and racist and some other things I haven't thought of yet. That's true. All right, anyhow. Well, okay, so. In the dust of this planet. It's not in non-fiction.

Non-fiction. Non-fiction. It's like a philosophical Sounds great. What is a series called? It's called in the oh the the philosophy of horror so there's different Versions and his is in the dust of this planet. I don't they're like two other maybe other Volumes and it's so far. So this is about cosmic horror and he makes the exact point which you do which is It's hard so we have like I'm's hard. So I'm out of here. But so he talks about like the planet, you know, that includes us. There's the earth which is the plant that does not include us but we're still in the mix with like, you know, nature and then the planet without us which is just the planet.

And he talks about the planet without us is like all the apocalyptic horror, you know, every, you is just the planet. And if you talk about the planet without us, is like all the apocalyptic horror, you know, every, you know, twilight zone episode where it's like it turns out like, so all of that, and he just talks about like why all those particular things could be used to provoke horror. And he made the point about the idea of like, something that is so beyond our understanding

is horrifying to us, but it's not as horrifying the idea that we don't exist at all like there's something very Primally terrifying, but also we can't really understand what that even means. Let me ask you a question I love it. I sound great and I'm going to hold on but is the con I'm gonna you in the dust of this planet and he's a New Yorker I can't find out if he's Jewish, but you know what, welcome to the tribe. Hey, can I say something? Welcome to the tribe, you see. Can I say Ryan unrelated, more very related. Let's get that guy on the podcast. All right, that sounds like an amazing conversation.

Yeah. Have you come back? Have you, are you familiar with the planet of the apes? Oh, yes, I was a child. Those are like my favorite, I had the VHS set. It was really hoping you respond with the Simpsons response, which is, I don't know if you know this famous If you bought it like me if you bought the Simpsons CD that had all their songs on it. I well, you have of course

I do that too What is the name of the actor who's always this Troy something? Well, it's Phil Hartman voice. It's Troy Troy McClure. Yeah, there's he gets a call from his agent He's agent says Troy are you are you with the planet of the agent. His agent says, where are you from? Are you familiar with the planet of the haves and he says the planet or the movie? Oh, I wish I thought of that. It's so good.

Anyhow, let's take a break. Okay. And we'll be back with more, Halley Keifer, which is definitely a real name. I'm told, no, I'm just a process and as I said it, like this, in a way this is real. I still don't believe it's real. I don't get it. Why you think it's cool. I don't know. It's a crazy name It's fucking like I mean you get caught you could cut glass with that name. Oh

My my name is like soup and then a guy from like it's like some soup and then Like a person in a in a dosed a ski book or whatever and like Yeah, that's who's right and you're like, Halle Kiefer. It's like something to those emails. You sound like a, have you ever listened to this podcast who weekly? Oh, I'm familiar with it. Sound like a who?

It's like a who? It's like a who? Oh my god! You like you hear what these days? Oh my god. You're like, it's like who is Halle Kiefer? It's like who? Yeah, I don't know, but definitely like a group of agents

put that name together. Oh, I love it. That's like how when you find out Jamie Jamie Foxx's real name is like Eric Steel or something or it's it's it keeps me something. I'm sorry Eric Steel. It's Eric something and the whole name is like Marlon Bishop Eric Bishop. Eric Bishop's a great name. That's a hot action name. It's Eric Bishop. I don't know I was just like that. Jamie Foxx. I honestly Eric Bishop sounds stronger to's Eric Bishop. I don't know, I was just like that so funny. Did Jamie Foxx, I honestly, Eric Bishop sounds stronger to me. Yeah, I don't know. For years, I was gonna come up and I was gonna be like Ryan Thomas or something that was more actery.

And then when I chose comedy everyone was like, who the hell's a funny name, stick with that. It does kinda sound funny today. It does kinda sound funny today. It does kinda do a lot to me. It does kinda do a lot to me. No, but I have to say Jake Steal, that's a real, that's a name.

What happened? Oh, your Bishop? Oh, Jake Steal, I just- I made that up, that's a real accent name. Oh, your bishop? Oh, Jake Steal, I just- I made that up, that's not a real name. That's like a name that's like a real, like I remember it because my Hebrew name is Yacov, which is Jacob, because I was named after I got him Jacob, but it's like thanks, this is a guy. It makes no sense, no, he was related to me,

but the point is like, I actually had an argument. I had an argument with a Hebrew school teacher in like, when I was like eight or six because they were like, they were like going on, it was like the first day of school and they're like, what's your Hebrew name? And I'm like, it's Yahu, they're like, no, it's Yahu Shua or Yahu Shua or whatever.

I'm like, no, it's Yahu Shua and they're like, no, that's not the Hebrew name for Joshua. And I like, God, I was like, yeah, I'm not, I'm named after I can't even Jacob and that's my Hebrew name and like it got contentious. They were adamant that I had the wrong name. Did they eventually, did you win him over? No, I tagged their car with some graffiti after school

and taught the lesson. But it was your, but it was your full name. I was so figured it out. I don't fucking know. I don't remember. I got out of there fast though. I was not down with Hebrew school or any kind of institutionalized education.

On that note, let's take a break, and we'll be right back with our Halleak Heifer. What happens when you're ready to cash in on that asset? How do you know you're getting the right price? How do you find the right buyer? How do you know the buyer is the real deal? What if the buyer is an alien? Crown and caliber was born on the idea that selling an electric watch on your own is entirely too difficult. With their blue book database of thousands of watch models, Crown and Calibre can ensure

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Again, I want to stress real name, not put together by a group of... I've never been so flattered. A group of market scientists who are looking for the perfect the perfect star name. You know my parents almost named me Ursula after saying Ursula. Ursula is a cool name too. Your parents are crushing it. Yeah, but not for a child who was born in the 80s because then little mermaid came out and she was the big fat vaguely lesbian,

lesbian, drag queen, drag queen. But villain, well yeah she was divine and I. And I would have, I would have, I'd be a- So she's based on divine? I think so, right? Yeah, that's cool, that makes sense. And that's a core part of my personality. Okay, good. But as- Is it just knowing that or?

Just that single fact, we all have done something to cling to. Oh, weird. But any who, I would have not made it out of middle school. I think I would have- No, you didn't, you didn't. You didn't stop living. You killed yourself, you're gonna do it. You imagined it. You picked a different name. It would have. No, you didn't, you didn't. Stop living. You killed yourself. I think you imagined. I picked a different name.

It would have been bad. Yeah, I would have had to, or you're my middle name or something. Hang on, but you know, but Ursula. Sally, you would have been Sally. Ursula, whom a thermon was very hot in the 90s. I just think it was, I was the wrong, a kid could be more now named Ursula,

but back, it was like the exact wrong time to you. Ursula is a cool name. It is cool. I gotta say, I'm gonna put that in my back pocket Okay, I'm fine. I have to name anymore kids. Have you had to name any children? Yes. I had to name one child. Oh Congratulations, was it yours? You have my fucking child. Yes. Who's child? What I mean? You said oh, I was a new for some guy. I was like my brother. You named your brother. What's his name? Alex

I liked that book Alexander in the no good terrible horrible tried? Alex. Oh, Alex. It's because I liked that book. Alexander and the No Good, terrible, horrible, very bad day. Oh. That's a good name, though. It's cute. That's a cute story. I named my daughter. Her name is Zelda. Well, actually I did it with my wife.

Right. She had some say. No, we did together. That's a good name. But I could take some credit for it, I think. Yeah, that's a great name. It's a great name. And now, by the way, I don't want to, I'm not trying to take credit for this,

but it's trending. Yeah, all of a sudden, Zelda's a hot name. And now, by the way, I don't want to, I'm not trying to take credit for this, but. It's trending. Yeah, all of a sudden Zelda's a hot name. And I gotta tell you, no motherfuckers were named Zelda when we named Zelda Zelda. You want to be at the top of the pro role. We actually went, we went, we were, we looked at the numbers. It was important. You don't want to name your kid.

Listen, I named Josh. Do you know how many years Josh has been the number one name for boys in this country? All time, yeah. Like, for a thousand years. For a thousand years. There wasn't even an American, Native Americans were naming their children Josh.

That's how popular the name is, okay? Anyhow, the US showed up and then all of a sudden everybody's named Josh. So, I was like, we can't, I don't want to name a kid, like a popular name. So you need to. But it's hard because whatever name you, if you have another child,

whatever name you pick is going to become a... Ursula, yeah, that's true. I mean, the... If you name your kid Ursula, they can't stop. We can't stop trend setting, that's the problem. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's a burden. Oh, I've, he, for telling you that.

It's like everything I touch turns to gold. Like you in highly gender, you in high-end, you in high-end, you in high-end, you in high-end. I'm sure it's your type of, have you used my new mascara? Fucking crushes. Wait, did you come up with a lip kit before she did her? Mascara.

Yes, actually it's a lip kit plus mask. Oh my God, no wonder she ripped you off. You see what's happening. You look fabulous. You have a beautiful matte lip. That's right. Your lashes are out to there. It's actually half-man half glossy.

That's my trend line that I'm working right now. Yeah. You know, bottom lip glossy top lip matte. It's a pretty cool idea, actually. That's a really good idea. Yeah, that sounds good lip glossy top lip matte. It's like pretty fucking cool idea Good You're a media and the nude to post-gillip That's pure media right you know we started the media company recently. Oh, you're starting media come to tell a little less Yeah, it's it's a pyramid scheme. Oh great. Cross of the Ponzi scheme, right?

For content. We've got five pranks to make right articles. And you make money on it. It's like a picture of a slug and it's like, what have you been eating? It's making you fat. And you're like, how is this allowed to exist? Or like, it's like a woman in bikini,

like when a gang handcuffs on her, it's like, you won't believe it's illegal. You know, like. One weird trick to clear your foot, but this is my favorite. And it's like a picture literally like a weird trick to clear your foot. I guess my favorite. It's literally like a ripped off jaw. You're like, what the fuck is that? Do you have my favorite, oh the skin rash one?

It's just like a picture of a skin rash. My favorite, my favorite shitty tabula ad. And tabula by the way, the worst. I didn't even know that was called. That's what that thing is, the bottom of every webpage. It's horrible. From around the web, that's stuff. It's tabula.

And you always notice when a website sticks it on. There's two of them. There's two of them. To bullarrow out brain. Okay. I mean, there's some other ones, but my favorite one is like, I tweeted about the other day actually. It's so effective.

It's like, this hoodie has been, it's like out of stock. It was like, what's the phrasing? It's like, this hoodie's been backordered for months and it's finally available. And it's like, oh my God. This thing must be. It just looks like a regular hoodie.

Yeah, but I don't know, but you gotta check it out because what's going on, it looks like a regular hoodie, but that's actually part of it. Right, yeah, you have to find out what's a secret. You see it and you're like, but what's something that's gotta be special about this hoodie? Does it absorb moisture? Is it just, can I charge my phone? That would a secret. You see it and you're like, what's something that's gotta be special about this Friday? Does it absorb moisture? Is it just, can I charge my phone?

That would be great, just gonna be really wet. We could put on a sweatshirt. Put it balloons up. You go out of the rain and it just, okay, let's talk about your writing career for a second. Oh, okay, please. As a, as a vulture writer. Yeah.

You cover entertainment. News of the day. News of the day. News of the day. Entertainment is the day. You're like, you're like, on in the morning, news is happening. Right. They're like, make something interesting out of this shit. What's the last story you wrote?

I wrote, oh, was that a trailer for speaking of, well, I guess it's not technically horror, but a trailer for that Netflix show, Stranger Things, which stars Winona Ryder. And it comes out the 15th. And the trailer makes it look, well, the first show that came out, it looked like a horror, like this boy gets kidnapped, he disappears, and then he comes back and something's not right. The second trailer makes it. So it's like the return.

Yes. And then the second one makes it look like an ET style kid centric adventure, like maybe something supernatural, maybe it's like supernatural, maybe it's aliens, but like these kids are on bikes and they're having a good time. It had me with my own a rider, but you're losing me with this thing. But isn't it interesting?

Where I think it's like, okay, well we have like the horror creepy, they're gonna watch it because those freaks watch everything. But then we wanna get some other people who maybe don't wanna see a kid get kidnapped. So now it's more like, oh, it's kids, but they're having an adventure

and they're gonna figure it out, you know? It's like if you recut the top of the lake season one. Right. It should be a little more like it's an adventure. It's like a Hollywood getter. It's like Hollywood get's a groove back or something. Yeah no it's Hollywood right in that. Since in a top of the lake she plays like the uh.

God oh she's right she's like the meditation. Yeah. I hated that. Well I didn't. Yeah, I hate it that. Well, I didn't finish it. I enjoyed it, but it was just very slow. The ending made the whole thing worth it. Kind of weird darkness. No, no, no.

We like hate watch it, but it was like one of those things where do you ever hit these pockets where you're watching stuff and you're like, like actually watch, I started watching casual for this reason, which I haven't seen that. I think casual is a pretty good show, actually. I started watching casual for this reason, which I- Oh, I haven't seen that. I think casual is a pretty good show, actually. Have you seen it?

It's a Hulu. You see, right? I'm not gonna lie, you see a casual guy. You see the guy who's gonna watch casual. The casual casual. The casual is like Hulu's transparent light in a way. There's nothing as revolutionary as a trans story in it, but it's kind of like about who live in LA

who are struggling with relationships. And my God, I just need to know more. I want every show to be about that. There aren't enough shows exploring that right now. My thing is like if it's at an LA, I'll pretty much watch it, like because I can get to live vicariously through those characters.

Well, how about when is these, I'm sorry, it's show open up. I didn't know for a while. Well, it opened up. I didn't even basically, I'm gonna can't live like carelessly through those care. Well, how about when when is these unsarcasted show opened up? He was like, well, it opened up. I didn't like it. I just, I'm gonna put it out there. I thought that shifts sucked. I will agree that. Oh, really?

Because people were like, could not stop talking about how great these seasons are his show was. And I was like, this show seems terrible to me. Well, Mindy Caling wrote that chapter in a book where she described every show a comedian makes. And it was like, you're aging out of your 20s into your 30s and you don't have kids And then you go to a kid's birthday party and you're a little angsty and then they ask you to leave because you looked up With someone who's at the party she basically described the exact TV show and then he came out with it like a year later

And she was like the best thing it came out of watching that show was I Refine my season sorry impersonation watching that show was I refined my ZZ's and sorry impersonation, which Zelda then rift on. It's like, oh no, that's it. That's it. I mean, that's pretty much it. Oh man, I wanna go to that party.

Oh no, I like that the whole thing. Oh no, that's it. And then Zelda, because I started doing it in the house, because the whole show is him like, oh, that's us. I'll see you later. Like, that's the thing that this is what ZZ's and sorry does. It's like presented with a situation

where he doesn't, he's short in responsibility. And he's like, oh man, that's us. Catch you later. And like, that's the whole arc of that show, basically, from the several episodes that I watched in Disgust. I like a season, sorry, by the way, I think he's very fun. I think I'm too. I mean, I'm honestly not gonna watch it,

not out of any distaste for him or the show, but like, my God, there's just so much television. I just can't. Well, that's casual for me. I was like, I feel like there's four of these and I'm good. Anyhow, so now. I didn't see love either.

Oh, love I watched all the way through and I have to say it was not a hate watch. It was good. And I was like, I don't know. I stuck with, I'll watch anything though. Laura's like, fuck this. Like she will not, she will piece out. She will fall asleep in five minutes in.

If she's not gripped, she's either reading or sleeping during the shift, which by the way, is one of my greatest pet peeves in my life is that, I hate, hate watching things by myself. Oh, interesting. I, I do it. I definitely, if she goes to bed, if she's like, I'm out, goodbye. I'm like, I'll just sit here and watch whatever because it doesn't matter. But like, I do find, I definitely, if she goes to bed, if she's like, I'm out, goodbye.

I'm like, I'll just sit here and watch whatever because it doesn't matter. But like, I do find it's like, if you start watching something with someone, if she's really like the brother's caramotsoff, caramotsoff, and you're watching, whatever. No, she's always reading. The bachelor's.

Perfect example of something that has happened recently. Also unreal, we started watching. I was like, I'm real fucking amazing. Yeah. I was like, I'm sorry, I was like, I'm real fucking amazing. Yeah. I was like, I'm sorry, I cannot get over that lifetime logo in the corner. It's really messing me up, but like it's a good show. Yeah.

And the ads in between that are like, he wanted to leave, but she wouldn't let him. I'm watching, I watch on Hulu, I pay for commercial free, so I don't experience it. Oh, I watch that shit live. I can't really understand. Whatever your experience in, you're like, real person world? I'm not part of, okay?

I will say it's VIP because you have a leaven. That I also have. 1199 a month. It's just car ads. Like, you're not missing anything. It's all stuff that I couldn't buy if I wanted, or wouldn't buy if I could. All the ads on Lifetime are for yogurts that make you poop

or for movies where someone wants to leave and the other won't let them And then the most interesting part is what weapon they're gonna use. So he's a new weapon like a cheese-greater to a space Oh, I did have it that never happened. Absolutely. Can I just say? I'll never forget a Friend of mine was describing a lifetime movie starring it was like either Tori spelling It's like one of those people it was about how like they went on dating it ended with like a date rape and then it was like either Tori spelling, it's like one of those people. It was about how like, they went on dating, it ended with like a date rape, and then it was like,

I'm like, that could be literally any time time movie, I'm trying to think. I was like, I'm not, I don't know what you're talking about. The famous Tori spelling one is Mother Man, I sleep with danger. Which James Franco just remade. It was the lesbian vampire movie. Yeah, what?

Yeah. Shut up. Yeah, I didn't see you. Oh shit. No, this is why you watch the ads. See, I know that. Shut up. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I didn't see that though. Oh shit. This is why you watch the ads. To know.

To know. But I was like, I don't know. She told me about the movie. It was like one of these conversations. I was like, what'd you do last night? She was like, oh my god. I watched this amazing lifetime movie. And I'm like, that movie is called, she described it to me.

I'm like, that's definitely called without consent. Is that the name of the movie? The name of the movie is, she cried, no. Which I think is, oh my god. In the, in the, in the, very much in's definitely called without consent. Is that the name of the movie? The name of the movie is She Cryed No. Which I think is in the, in the, in the, very much in the sphere of without consent. By the way, is there a film called without consent on lifetime? Oh, it has to be.

Because there should be. There is a show, I don't know if it's on lifetime or TLC called Wise with Nives. And it's just about when we've been murdering our husband. Yes, in 1994 television, film directed by Robert Iskoff is a film called without consent. Shared on the lifetime. Oh, there you go.

Are you serious? It was on a lifetime. I have no knowledge of that film until this moment. Are you kidding me? This is a fun game like just like to make a horrible phrase. Jenny Gar. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Maybe I got, no, maybe I got the story backwards. Maybe I said it's she cried no.

Now there's no way, look up she cried no. I have a funny story about Jenny Garth. That's what I like to do. Oh my God, who's in that one? Is it Jenny Garth? Is it Torch Valley? Yeah. Is it, I'm trying to think of other women who are,

I want to apologize to the tomorrow listener. I don't know if this is a camera in puree. Okay. Oh, that's the movie Okay, it's Candice Cameron because she was like the Kid from full house, right? Mm-hmm was in it and I'm like, oh my god I'm like it's definitely without consent dude. That is a crazy trippy. I've never I know Well sweet. I know. Well sweet. Who else is this? Paul Gosler.

Oh my god. Kenna von Ouy. The wiki cock. Paul Nikki Cox. The reason why she brought it up is you won't believe what I saw. And I was like what? And it was like Candice Cameron and Mark Paul Gosler. Is that a say Mark Paul Gosler?

Gosler. Gosler. Gosler. Oh, is there an Ellen there? Yeah. Your whole life is a liar. You're just a mispronouncing his name. You say it every day. What is it?

Gossler. Gossler, I think. Gossler. Is he Canadian? No, he's half Filipino though, right? Or half Indonesian? Yeah, I remember Alex John told us that. Secret Asian.

Oh, that's right. Anyhow, I was like, no fucking way. And then I was like, without consent. And she's like, nope, she cried. No. But I cannot fucking believe that without consent is a lifetime film. I guess I can. Yeah, I mean, I'm just crushing life. I got to tell you, life is good right now. Life time is good right now. Right. I just want to tell Jenny Garth's story real quick. That's okay. Yeah. I all means a friend of mine works, he lives in LA and he works at a Mexican restaurant called Petty Cash, which is very good if you live in LA. And they do a lot of like they grow their own vegetables on the roof and it's all organic

and stuff. This is why I watch these shows. It just kind of like you're like, oh boy, that I mean I would eat like a fish filet or whatever. And then from McDonald's? No, I would never. Cause fish filets, very close to filet fish. Oh, that's what I met. Yeah, I would never. Cause especially a very close to philanthropy. So that's what I met.

Yeah, I make it at home. But so Jenny Garth, I guess does a lot of like, community gardening, she's very invested in like, you know, organic or whatever. So she came to see their garden and my friend is the manager and he showed her around and then she was super lovely and as they go to leave, she goes and she's like, thank you so much, it was so great.

And goes to hug him and he was talking to her, she was super lovely and as they go to leave she goes and she's like, thank you so much It was so great and goes to hug him and he was talking to her She was gonna say something so when she goes to hug him He inhales and he inhales a bunch of her hair and then as like so he's like choking as they're hugging and then As she pulls away in order to get it out of his throat He goes like he gags it back out of her out of her out of his throat, he goes, like he gags it back out of his throat. And I said, well, what did you say? Be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. He's like, I did say anything.

I don't think she noticed. I'm like, I am all under pressure. So you have somebody gagged you to the face. You suck in her hair. He inhaled her hair. He was like taking a breath. Right, inhaled it. And then in order to get out,

he basically had to be like, and then be able to pull down. So Jenny, guys, if you listen to it, and you then be able to pull down. So Jenny, you're going to be listening to it. And you wondered why that's amazing man. That is one of the strangest, funniest stories I've ever heard. Right, but go ahead, sorry. I just want to say, I think we can, we assume that her hair is brittle, right? Just, it sucked up that easily.

She's a conditioner. Or maybe it's so fine and delicate and soft. Whatever it is, it means volumizer or something. Hair spray. Maybe my friend who has his lungs are too strong. Like he's just constantly in his hair. Maybe he was, maybe that was his goal. Maybe it's not I'm gonna appease the Johnny Garth

or the frizz. I want to piece of hair so I'll hide it in my lungs until she leaves. You know the perfect spot. You're just trying. Perfect crime. He's like, what I thought is the perfect crime of you. What I hug her. Look it up. get a perfect crime. He's like, when I hug, is the perfect crime of you?

When I hug her. Look it up, is the perfect crime? It has to be. The perfect crime? Yeah. Yeah, the perfect husband definitely is. Oh, the perfect wife. Perfect wife, perfect husband definitely exists on lifetime.

I mean, I don't know this, but the perfect husband is not a lifetime movie. Let me just close the shop. I will commit Seppaku right now. Oh no, you have a huge blame your head. I will commit Seppaku right now. Oh no! You have a huge blade in your head. I'm gonna have to keep you up. My God, put away the huge curved knife.

I keep my Seppaku blade handy, just in case I have to, I've shamed myself and I gotta take care of this. He's your minorly disappointed. Just I get a lifetime movie title wrong. And then I'm just like, I'm out. What do we got here, Ryan? Clockestit. Perfect husband is, perfect crime. Clar crime is a book that's been purchasedestive. Perfect husband is. Oh. Perfect crime.

The crime is a book that's been purchased by lifetime. Oh, they got it. It will be then. But it will be. Oh, wow. This is incredible. Oh, perfect husband is the Lacey Peterson story. Oh, what?

Which is so ironic because he wasn't. You know what I mean? That's so funny. It's ironic, I guess. It's like it's like it almost is like a bait and switch on the title. Wait's ironic, I guess. It's like, it's like, it almost is like a bait and switch on the title. Well, you're like, oh, I'd love to watch a fun movie. Oh, the perfect race.

The husband just does a lot of nice stuff. It's like maybe you can get some tips on like, how do you hook the perfect guy, right? And I made the first person to make fishing trips. Okay, great, I'll get him a fishing pole and like a big top of work container. He can put it as truck and go to a marina, you know. Perfect.

There's nothing about him that's wrong. Nothing at all. And then it's like, all the reviews are like, the first 15 minutes were great. And I don't know what happened. I'll be honest with you. It seems so perfect to me. Ha ha ha.

False advertising. Yeah. Says DA666. Ha ha ha. I mean, the devil's advocate and say he wasn't the perfect target. Ha ha ha ha. Oh.A.666. I would be the devil's advocate and say he wasn't the perfect target. Oh. Boom.

Did you see the will, Farrell and Kristen Wayne, the lifetime movie? I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. It was really excellent. I just because they play it totally seriously. Right. So I heard that they were on set, at least early on, they were playing it straight. The whole movie is a lifetime script,

and they just are in a lifetime movie. Yeah, no, and what is it called? Oh, a deadly adoption. A dead option, yeah. How about lifetime being self-aware? That's like the best movie they could have made for themselves. It's like the Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials. Right? You're not. Yeah, no, it's like, best movie could have made for themselves. It's like the Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials, right?

It's like, you're not. Yeah, no, it's like, you know, you everybody's in on this, but that's crazy. Like that, that if I think Lincoln was like, oh yeah, this is absurd. And Matthew McConaughey is like, I'm absurd. All right, all right, you wanna buy this, okay?

And then they were like, let's just do it. Yeah. Like it's like, lifetimes like, let's just make fun of ourselves completely. And I think it's a good move, but then they still have these very original, I mean, like, a sincere, original movies. And I think that's hard too. And I think that's hard too.

Because sometimes you do want like an original piece of like camp, like, you enjoy it, but then you also like the fact that they know that it's silly. You don't want it to all get like self-referential. Right, yeah. Well, it's like that Amy Schumer ad campaign that from this year that I really like that just is like, she's overexposed, don't watch the show. get self-referential. Right, yeah. Well, it's like that Amy Schumer ad campaign from this year that I really like. That just is like, she's overexposed. Don't watch the show. You've seen enough of her.

She's got nothing left to say. Is that the cat love that? Yeah. The season though. But they were good heads. Wow, that's a little sounds there a little. I guess I'm not getting hired by Amy Schumer this year. Or is he saying sorry?

You know, Amy and I used to share a manager. And? Well, she left. That's all I could tell you. Let's just say, you know what? Who knows? Was that the right decision or the right decision? I don't know. But you know where things lie right now.

Getting back to Vulture. So you're a word smear. You wake up every day. What time do you get up? I get up. Well, I like to say I get up at 7.30 You're gonna go for a run by the way I'm sorry, but you should be able to get up whenever you want I get up

I have to start writing at 9 a.m. I bolt upright at 9 a.m. And I frantically scramble around I use I totally get this because you could pretend to be working at 9 a.m On the internet if you work in it like you're in a slack room Oh, but I think because of slack, I feel like, well, then I have to be on it nine because everyone knows you can be on it nine. But you have to be like, hey, guys, I'm here. Yeah, but you could say that, but anything could be going on. Don't blow up her spot right now.

No, I don't. I know. I know. I literally, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to all bloggers and people who work on the internet in a slack room where they're not physically present, you can get away with murder. Murder. You usually end murdering someone. It's fucking stabbing someone in the throat. And you're like, I'm here, guys, what's up? Any story, any big stories break overnight?

Like, what, no one's gonna- That's definitely a blogger. Next on Lifetime. Now we're talking. Definitely blogger is really good. That's great. Now we're talking. Oh, there was an episode, oh, Oh speaking of just to go back to terrible shows

I watched every episode of the mysteries of Laura, but I feel like you watched right? That's a mistake. Big fan horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Never messing, right? Yes. It's ever messing. Cancel, I believe. I hope. I hope. And you know what? And they tried to bury it. They tried to bury that shit. They should bury it. I see. I have seen it. I have seen it. I saw five minutes of it. I was like, my life is ruined now. I've, everything I have done up to this point is meaningless. It's an erase, yeah.

But it's like smash or anything she does. I love, I love, I love, I love her smash. Love hating it. There's one episode where somebody is, I can't remember exactly, someone's like a radio, like trying to uncover a crime, and then in order to stop this person from being killed, Laura has to call in and then send a fax.

Like it all hinged on a fax and it's like this is- You want to see a show that I'm just- A terrible program. I was gonna see a show that hinges on bullshit. Check out CSI cyber. I don't think- yeah, I don't think I've ever seen that. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Who's in that one? Where's that on the cat? It gives a shit. It's for Trish R-cat. Yeah, whatever. It should be Rosanna? Where's the internet? Karen, she gives a shit. I'd be a British ARCAT. Yeah, whatever. She'd be Rosanna. Rosanna, this is a pure your ARCAT. I do like all the ARCATs though. Let me be clear. CSI cyber. They solve cyber crimes, but they also solve real crimes

using cyber times. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Oh my god. It's so good. Do yourself a favor. Do yourself a favor Check out an episode of CSI's If you want pure add to the list pure entertainment and he has a casual set in LA

Mm-hmm and I like watching it because the architecture is great the Characters are very very underdeveloped But I but you know transparent one of the big draws of transparent is like you get to see how that and it makes you feel like you're there for a minute All their homes are beautiful. Yeah, it's unrealistic. Nobody has beautiful homes in LA What's the same with me or I mean? It's a show an amazing apartment. It's like that doesn't exist. Yeah, no go to echo park check out that what's going on over there It's like people aren't living in like you know mansions and I live in like mid-century modern, like masterpieces. At any rate, so you write every morning, you're writing on the news.

And how did this happen? I'm here at comedian, you're a comedy writer. Right. So where did that come from? I like how we're getting back into like a serious, no sure. I have literally have no idea what's been going on for the last hour or so.

We had, we got some great fills, we used some great recommendations. We had died total insanity. But so how did you end up becoming a news like you're covering celebrity news? Well, you know, I initially came to the city to get a master's in library science, which I completed and never used and I'm still paying off my student loans. Library science was such a popular thing. So many people I know have like the library science degree. I really enjoyed it and you know if my life goes a different direction I would happily do it again.

It's just that like it was one of those things where I went after undergrad. So it was like a decision made based on no information about the real world, no... What do you do with the library science degree? You become a librarian, man. Right. Which I mean, but I... I, I, at the time. And libraries are dying, are they not? You, mm-mm.

Libraries will be around. I worked in library and one of my good friends from home is librarian. They'll be around forever. I'm not attacking my federal funding. I love funding. And you make money. I'm super hot.

Really? So basically, a lot of libraries. I love libraries. I think they're the most, one of the most valuable things that we have in this country. Well, it's not all public libraries, though. I did intern at Brooklyn Public, and it was a wonderful experience. But basically, a lot of it is maintaining online databases,

like information, curating that kind of thing. Any who never used it, and then my first job that wasn't that was blogging for VH1. And that was just sort of a way to, and even now, it's a way to make money using now it's like, well, then it's a way to make money using only writing, which is my main goal. What specifically, I mean, how does that happen your blogging for VH1, like specifically,

what were you blogging about? It was all, well, this was back in the day. So this was probably like seven years ago. So this is back when like really there was just a lot of, if you remember this time period at all, it was a lot of like, look at, I'm not even Lady Gaga, I'm trying to think it was, I'm Paris Hilton or whatever, like look at this,

bikini pack or whatever. So it was like real trash, you know what I mean? We at AOL, let me just say something. When I was at AOL in like 2009, or that's what I'm talking about. They produced a thing called the AOL way, which is like a way to get lots of clicks. And one of their examples was like right a really compelling headline and it was like Paris goes or it was like Lady Gaga goes pantheon and Paris or something like that.

Yeah that's 100% what I was doing. Yeah okay. But it wasn't like an end game. I was that reason by the way. That's their example. I'm sure you Lady Gaga has been panthless. She's probably pants of the bears right now. Yeah, no, she's fucking recording her second.

She's in her record with Tony Beno. And Mark Ronson recording her new posture. She's so mainstream, lame stream, if you ask me. Whoa, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, understand how to do it. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. That's pretty much it. If you're asking why I did that, the answer is, I don't know. I feel like most of my- By accident.

I mean, most of my life decisions, I feel like I made arbitrarily with zero information. I've been there. Do you ever think you ever look back and say, did I do what I wanted to do? Or like, whatever happened? Can I do what I wanted to do? Or like, I would ever, like happened. I would say, as a writer, I have resigned myself

in some ways to the fact that most of the work I will do will be somebody else's work, like I'm a hired hand until I get to work on my own stuff. So I considered in that same vein where it's like, yeah, I didn't play it, this wasn't my life's passion, but I also think as a writer, most of the things I do will not be my life's passion. I don't know. Where are you from the Midwest?

Yeah, Cleveland. Oh, Cleveland. No, we're like mortal enemies. I'm from Pittsburgh. So we're supposed to hate each other. Oh, it's so alike. That's the thing. I hate us against each other. It's so crazy. And I hate sports. So it's not a big deal. I only care about LeBron. So we had a lot of I was cheering for the calves They were my guys and they crushed yeah that last game, but the only game I watched by the way the only game I watched and the only Point at which I knew who was actually playing in this basketball tournament

Is that we call it a tournament? Yeah, I think so. But boy, that game was good. But if you're asking, did I choose my career with any sort of deliberateness? No, man, I wish I could be that kind of person where like people are like, here's my plan, here's my want to do. I'm just like, oh, okay, I guess I'll do this, you know. Wow, that's a great attitude. That is. I don't even know if it's it's not intentional. I I just sort of take out the world, I suppose. You're just rolling with it. It's kind of me and I'm ready.

So what do you want to do? Like what is the thing that you do comedy, you do comedy, right? I mean, you do stand-up comedy, which isn't, by the way, very brave and insane thing for anybody to do. People say that, but. You don't think so?

It's not hard. I mean, it's hard to do well, but the part. So it's not hard to be good at making people laugh. It is very hard. It's very hard to do it well. It's not hard to do. Does that make sense? It's hard to do if you're not in any supplies. You don't need to prove. You don't need to need any rulers or folders or pens or pencils. No, but people have systems. I mean, they're like, you know, but it's different than improv because you can just go and do it.

Improv, you have to have you at a school and a team or with a theater or have friends that want to do it with you. Okay, I get you're working through your issues right now. Okay, but we got a stick to this. I know, improv's tough. I get I understand. I want to also, I, to your point,

I did start doing improv and I feel like you really fuck this is for squares. Um, not, not while I was doing it. No, no, I don't think it's for squares. I think it's really great. It's artistically very helpful. I really enjoyed it. I do sketch artistically very helpful.

Well, that's the thing I started doing sketch. And then, so three years ago, I wrote for an MTV sketch show, which never aired. What was it called? Hey girl. And Julie Clausner was the head writer. Oh, that's the connective tissue. Yep, we're friends from around. Yeah.

So it was lady sketch comedy. Right, if our teenage girls, it wouldn't really funny. It came out around the same time as Girl Code. And I think it was the girl code. It was really like MTV or the people there at the time because I don't think either of the EPUs or whatever are still there. But they're like, we can't have two shows for girls

on the same time. Yeah, that would be, you saturate the market. or whatever are still there, but they're like, we can't have two shows for girls on the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You saturate the market. Girl code was the show, is the show where, it's like talking and talking about like different. They're like, you can't text your friends like after she just had sex.

Exactly, exactly. It's like, it's like rules, it's the rules. Right. I bet this is the fucking pitch, by the way. It's like the rules for like teens. Yeah, and I think it's like how you, by the way, horrible, horrible shit. But I think it's interesting because that,

so like that came out. The worst advice. You know, that came out like three years ago, I think, but then since then, that's what the internet is. Like all those BuzzFeed videos. I think the credit goes to, in this case, TV, like the internet taking a TV idea because girl code was very successful and then as soon as you became successful, every

video is like, being a girl at the beach or whatever, like it's all this instructional thing. It's a fun thing. Girl code was sort of like the first one to do that. Arshah wasn't that, it was sketch and it was going to be really funny and it had some really great writers on it. One of the writers. It was really funny. They burned it through a one day, right? Wait, what? I definitely washed it because they like burned it through in a day. I want to say, yeah, they showed like four episodes at a time and they burned it off in a couple of weeks, I think. And you could watch it.

It's like a proto-Amy Schumer situation. Right. And her her show was actually, I think her pilot was being made when we were when that came when we were coming out. Um, but uh... Well, if it makes a feeling better, I shot a pilot for a show called Tomorrow Night, which was very similar to what John Oliver does. Oh, okay. A year earlier, anyhow. So you think he's still your idea as well, you're saying?

The genre is a prince, he's an amazing person. And I really like English and her show. I'm not saying anything about that. I'm just saying it's funny How it's like the idea that like you can only have one show about anything related to girls at one time Yeah, like we already have a show Those are like TV people Yes, yeah, insane. That's also MTV like my number one piece of advice if you get a job at MTV doing anything is find another job And then last last two years I've been I wrote for a sketch show on True TV called Friends of the People what is that? It's

By the way, did you hear the judge in this and when I said that? What's that's a show? That's okay. Nobody watched it, it was fine. It was a true true true true. It's like, it's like, it's like court TV, but. Well, they're re-brenning it to be a comedy. But it's a Billy's on. Yeah, yeah, Billy. Is it really?

Billy on the street, they have, what? Turn of the, Adam explains everything I think is like one of their more successful shows. It's true TV and TV's are kind of on top of the traditional show. In practical jokers. Programming. Yeah.

Well, because they're all on my turner. Well, things you don't know. But it was a very funny sketch show. We ran for two seasons. Nobody watched it. But I think looking back, we did a lot of great funny stuff. What does it call? Friends of the people.

Friends of the people. And I think you could watch them on. That's the problem. The name? That was it? That was it. I mean, that was already a place when I came up board. So a little little too late. But I that's how do you tell someone about that?

Hey, have you seen this new show Friends of the People? So what's called? Yeah. Imagine yourself saying it. I had to say to me, I've said it so much that it seems secondhand. People are the other friends of the people. I mean, just the whole thing. It's not your fault. Right. Yeah, I'm saying that what you should have called it Like splashes or something Splash Like jam city jam city jam city jam city Colin

Slammation season two is called Colin splashes jam city Yeah, oh my god. Are you watching like broad city booms? It's Nannely. Jam City isn't actually It's really yeah Jam City like sizzle town. That's a fucking head watch. Yeah, are you watching sizzle town? Wait, Josh are you pitching to see so right now? Is he so listening? Yes, I like oh well You also I want to say you can just pitch a true TV, but you said all that mean stuff about the show I know true TV's great and the show is fantastic.

You're in all this stuff, man. Are you watching ST, oh, sizzle town, you know I'm watching that shit, get the fuck out of here. That's a show. Sizzle town's terrible jam cities where it's at. They're both good, they're competing shows. It's like a mad TV and SNL, okay. It's no splashers though.

No, it's no splashers. Well, splashers is just forget it'ss right that's easy to have jammed out But I am I'm currently Jim city sorry jammed house also Jammed down, jammed town Jammed town is more of like a middle of the country middle of the road version of sketch It's like a kids in the hall sketch. I'm sorry. How are you deserve better than this? No, I don't I honestly don't I

I was worse realistically Who deserves anything? I, I don't, I honestly don't. I was worse realistically. Who deserves anything? I think I'm particularly author-rails, though. Am I Ryan? Please tell me. I love this. I always want you. I really?

I want you falling in these real- Where are you normally? I don't know. I'd love to know all your opinions about all the shows that my show that canceled should have been named. No, but you need to invent the fucking show, but what is it called again? Friends of the people.

It's a terrible thing. I didn't even watch it online or I'm sure. The sketches from the show were all really, really good. I was very happy with a lot of them. I think they're funny. Okay, I just want to be really clear. I've never seen this show. I know you haven't seen it.

It may be, no, but it may be very funny. It probably is. Right. The show. You're saying the title is there. The show title is, okay. It's just generic. It's not even generic, it's like hard to say hard to think of.

It's just like, just like in your head, can't be, can't be, can't be. Friendies or peepers. Oh my, these are guys, these are splasters, peepers, we have these, Jamtown. Peepers is really good. Like, it's like what, Portlandia, boom, friends, Jamtown. Peepers is really good. Like, it's like what, poor landia, boom, done, get in, get out, you're finished.

Okay, but things that are popular with the mills, okay, like Snapchat, these things are stupid names. You gotta come with a stupid name. Who was the one that wasn't peeper? Who was the other one? Friendies? Friendies is good. Friendies is really fucking good.

I guess like when you're going, you get this guy whoever who ran the show who are the show runners I'm not gonna say their name. I don't feel bad. Let's just say it's two guys Well, the show run is Neil Poncellon who I love and I want to work with again. Neil You're not listening to this. I'm sure but it was not listening to this trust me, but I you know, I love you Neil It's just one show runner. Yeah A guy. Yeah. That's for the first problem.

It was a, it was, there was only one woman on the cast. Manor. That's also a problem. That's a problem with the whole inch of men. That's sexism. Man, just open up your mind. Systemic, systemic, institutional sexism. You're not everybody's to man the Bay.

Must be struck down. You wish you were Samantha Bay. I would love to be Samantha Bay. And I'm considering gender reassignment to become Samantha Bay must be struck down you wish you were Samantha B. I would love to be Samantha Bay And I'm considering gender reassignment to become Samantha Bay. You're Samantha a Samantha T Okay, anyhow, so we have to see Samantha see um, I'm just saying what is it called automatic for the people friends of the Friends these people's jam city Slashers came up with that name. I don't know. Was it Neil?

I don't think so. No, that's a workshop network name. No, it's not. Yes, that totally is. Well, can I tell a story about when I was at MTV. It was at MTV. Basically, we had to take a, we were given a lesson in what millennial girls think is funny.

But the thing is, there are four writers. We were all women. Three what millennial girls think is funny, but the thing is there are four writers We were all women three of us were already millennials, so they were basically telling us what we thought was funny So we go into this and it was us Julie Clausler and Neil Poncellon was the showrunner of that show too and again Tom Nachguy and Julie was great. Wow Dealing with fear whatever No, I just mean like he's very powerful No, I just mean like. He's very powerful. No, I just mean like, whatever happened with any of these shows, they're not culpable.

So we go in and there's a woman there and she's gonna give us a powerful representation on what Millennial girls think is funny. We walk in and I don't know who this woman is. She was hired by MTV where she works there. She is wearing a white turtleneck, a pink satin, satin vest, like a magician's assistant,

and then a pink satin skirt. She's dressed like a psychopath. I'd never seen any dress like that in real life. Sounds alright to me so far. So I go up and I go to shake her hand. I was like, oh, I'm one of the writers. Go to shake her hand. She pulls her hand back and says,

oh, I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand. My band-aids are all wet. And I was like, oh, okay, sure. And I go and sit down. I'm the first one there, literally six other people come in every time they go to try to shake your hands, and my band-aids are soaking wet. I'm so sorry.

Oh, I would shake your hand, but as you can see, my band-aids are dripping. And literally, and so finally, I think Julie came and last her, Neil did. And no, Julie came and last. Neil did and no Julie came and last and we come in and Julie Comes in it goes to shake her hand almost like my bandage are wet, which really said well why your band-aids all wet Which is a testament to who she is as a person yeah, we were all wondering Why did you ask that I think that's crazy?

I was just like whatever and then so the woman says oh well you see I um cut my hand And then so she the woman says oh well you see I cut my hand Earlier today and then one of my fingernails fell off And I'm assuming she made a fake but she didn't say that she didn't say they were acrylics So I had run to get by some band-aids and we're like okay cool and then So I was gonna split the wetness One was who she washed her hands I think right you're right she explained everything to me Yeah, you're right she didn't oh like oh I cut my hand so I put a band-aid her hands. You're right, you're right. She explained everything except for what. Yeah, you're right, she didn't.

Oh, like, oh, I caught my hand. So I put a bandaid on it, totally get it. Right. I could shake that. Right, just say it. No, the bandaid. And then, but then I went to check out, like, if this is what you think Millennial Girl 6 is funny,

you're dead on, because this is fucking hilarious. This is an amazing character. This is so good. I'm sure that woman makes more money that I will ever make in my entire life. I'm sure she's currently... How was her presentation? Was it good?

Well, what we learned is, there's a... Women like comedy, they can relate to, which is also true of men, and then men like more sort of absurd humor, which is also true of women, and the two pictures they used to embolize women and men's comedy. For women, it was a woman crying eating chocolates with a

bottle of wine and like a tip over garbage can. And then the men's and this became a meme. This is like we came in a meme in our office. The men's picture was a young white man. This must be from like a vine or something. But from a young white man kicking an elderly Asian man in the ball so hard that he flies up in the air and the man's face looks like he's dying. So of course, that's what we learned at UCB. Right, right, I will say. That's how you look, I got to admit.

And so then we all started to pass that around, that photo with everywhere. That is a big shock. The thing that women find funny is eating chocolates, crying. Right, duh, that's what we think is funny. Ben and Jerry's want, want, I'm happy coming. I'm so happy, man, they're gonna hate me, hooray! It's like, eat your feelings is the thing that, is that what they find funny?

I don't, act. Right, I mean that was what they were saying. Well, I mean, I wanna know how these corporations find these consultants. I think they're all grifters. I've been in... It's a scale, man. I've been in management consultant meetings

and I'm like, where did you come from? Like, what is your background? Like, are you a famous from building? You're not an executive. You didn't build a business. Like... I don't know. Let me tell you a little story.

When we, after Zelda was born, we had a lactation consultant come to our house. Because like you, She's the one who's constantly lactating. Well, let me tell you, she tells women how to breastfeed. She tells them all the techniques, what they need to think about,

how to hold the baby, if they need a pump, so on and so forth. With you so far. Never had a kid. There we have it. They're breastfed. They haven't. I learned this after the fact. Was she helpful?

Your wife find it. Not really that helpful. So I'm trying to figure out how the fuck did you get into breastfeeding expertise? How are you the breastfeeding expert? You should have to say I never have to say alert warning has never actually been breastfed. Let's just like I'm saying like you're like I got to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I show up like you guys ready to learn how to ride these hogs.

You're like yes I'm like now let me say, I've never ridden a motorcycle personally, but I'm gonna show you guys, are you feeling safe? Are you feeling like you've got the right guidance? Probably not. I guess you should wear a helmet, I'm not sure, I don't know much about it. I know, I understand the philosophy

of riding the motorcycle. I've read then the art of motorbike with me. Yeah, yeah. So I see that. I watch a lot of videos on YouTube, guys, right? I was like, oh, so I think I'm gonna be pretty helpful here. Anyhow, that's to the point is that nobody knows what the fuck they're talking about.

Everybody's a phony. And I would never, and that's the thing, at any point in my life, I wanna make it clear, now and forever in the future, I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah. I would never claim to know. And I would never tell anyone else what to do,

because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Oh, I would tell people what to do, but only because I'm claimed to know. And I would never tell anyone else what to do because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I would tell people what to do, but only because I'm going to assume that they're gonna trust me, not because they think I know what I'm talking about. But I will say this, I learned this. That's a white man's attitude, if I've heard what it might.

Well, I am a white man, unfortunately. And I do feel bad about it. Good, that's all we ask. Every day, I'm like, I'm like, you get up every day, you fly yourself. I look at the mirror, I'm like, you get up every day and you just fly yourself. I look at the mirror and I'm like, why this? Why me?

Right. And then I'm like, and then you go to Starbucks and you start your day. I'm like, get me my coffee. You shot my shoes. You draw a cup of coffee in Ryan's face. Yeah, and then I'm like, here's the new ad for Tide or whatever, you know, whatever we do. Here's what I know to be true.

The truest thing I've learned in my life. Nobody knows anything, including but not limited to the President of the United States and all the people who surround him. They are making this shit up as they go along. Right. They do not have a plan. There is no Illuminati.

The Illuminati is a good deal. I hear the conspiracy there. I'm like, I wish there was an effort to bring order to whatever is happening around us. Yeah, sorry. Bad news. There's no, I feel like every time there's a shooting it's like, oh, there's like a false flag or like conspiracy theory. It's like, why?

Yeah, George Bush put together this conspiracy to put down to get these planes, get the buildings taken down in 9-11. It's like George Bush was out of the house. I can't get everybody health insurance, but know, billions, take it down to 9.11. It's like George Bush was like, I can't get everybody health insurance, but what I can do is knock down two buildings and complete secrecy and sort of forever war. That's my thing. Sorry, oh, you want universal healthcare, no kidding.

I think people think that because someone's good at capitalizing on things, they must have been the mastermind. No, no, no, these people are really good at capitalizing on a crisis. They're not good at like, I mean, maybe, maybe, or maybe they're just going through the motions and it just nets out where like,

our capacity for covering it and thinking about it is limited. Well, I think people who are conspiracy theories, it would, for them, I think it's like them feeling like they're, they have to be more intelligent than other people. So when they see it's like, oh, it can't just be, that's like terrible happen. It has to be, there's a reason for it.

I know the reason. And that's because it's a little too special. It's a little too long. It's a little bit more than ever. It is a religious. It is a 100%. Because there's no logic you could present, much like a religion.

You could be like, well, this doesn't make any sense. And that's not true. And it's just like, well, I'm just saying, I'm just coming up with suggestions. It's like, okay, great. A guy named Daniel Dennett wrote a book about philosopher and scientist and wrote a book about how we're that religion, the way we've organized

where our religion is actually like a evolutionary piece of the puzzle. Like it's not, it's not like, there are obviously religions not real. But it's like, we needed it to evolve. We needed it to get to a certain point. And like because we need to evolve, we used it to evolve and used it to gather and all this stuff.

Like it's kind of ingrained in like, are the most basic idea. And so like, the point about conspiracy theories is very true, I think is like, it is comforting. Yes. Almost to believe your aluminum and audio is planned 9-11. Yeah. Because the reality is like like it's fucking you're in chaos It's chaos. It's so okay, and that is the scariest thing in the world. Yes that and in the cathulu

Right. Yeah Back around full circle to go full circle chaos all hell cathulu It's not the idea that there is a bean beyond our understanding All hail Kthulhu. And the idea that there is a bean beyond our understanding that it's going to be. But also the, because this thing about, just one thing about God is like, it's the same with vampires. It's like, we, it's like, the idea that if it's entity or something we can't control is terrifying, but we know everything God likes.

Everything God doesn't like. We know him. Same with vampires. It's like, there's something really spooky, but don't worry. They can't come inside. And also, like, it's like, can't go over a river. Vampires can, can, can, can defeat over river They can party but they can't Pire's can can can can defeat death They can steal the life from someone live forever live forever

But they can't cross a river and they hate You get it garlic anywhere near the big time for oh Oh if you throw a holy water on them. They're screwed. It's like This piece of wood to that piece of wood Okay, man Becomes a wolf and is say his hunger cannot be sated, unless you shoot him with a silver bullet or... The sun comes up.

The sun is shut, yeah, then you're okay. You know, a problem, you know. Anyhow, zombies. A lot to think about. The undead have risen, but if you shoot him in the head, if you run really fast. Yeah, it's weird how we figure it out.

Okay, anyhow, this has been an incredibly entertaining conversation. This has been a pleasure. You have to come back. I, anyhow, this has been an incredibly entertaining conversation. This has been a pleasure. It's happening. I'm sorry, I feel like I've been just screaming the whole time. I've been screaming the whole time. Thank you for this. Ryan has also been screaming.

Yeah. What? Who, me? Halle Kiefer. Thank you for having me. A person whose name, I don't believe is real. And yet it is. You can read her on vulture.com.

You can go see her when you when's your next show? I have a show. The eighth at UCB East. The eighth of July, UCB East. Gentrify. It's Friday night at 1030. It's funny people talking about funny situations. I'm doing a character where I'm going to talk about horror. So. Oh really? Yeah. Oh, I going to come to the, oh wait, would you say the eighth? The eighth. Sorry, that's then I'm going to see John Carpenter. Oh, wow. So we're going to have, I gotta come to the oh wait would you say the eighth? Yeah, sorry That's then I'm going to see John Carpenter. Oh So we're gonna have I'm gonna go see Hallie 10 30 oh that's actually right after the John Carpenter

We're gonna have to get again. We're not sitting together. Oh, it's fine But you'll hear screaming laughter from across either side of the room. That's all I want. So July the UCBE's and then from beyond is your film recommendation. Please watch it. I think it's an Netflix. You think it's on Netflix? It was on Netflix. It's Amazon streaming. Quite endorsement.

Howly, thank you for being here. Everything's a brand. It's hard to say anything without a endorsement. Wow. Going right into some more stuff. Sorry, I'll be the next episode. Going right into more content. Not even let me close this thing out.

Thank you so much, I really enjoyed it. Thank you for having me. Well, that is our show for this week. We'll be back next week with more tomorrow. And it's always a wish in your family the very best. Though I've been informed that your family is part of the real luminati, and they are conspiring against all of humanity in an elaborate scheme to disrupt and undermine everything that we stand for as human beings. Or they're just riffing.

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