Toni and Ryan - 260,000 nipples (give or take)

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

VERRRRRYYYY specific amount of nipples (science chat) love u xoxoxoxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Arthur, Tony Lodge, and we are calling sisters beach in Tasmania. And this is Tessa. Tessa, a hardly Noah. I think we need a name for Tasmania, like a God's country of the motherland, because it is just so beautiful.

Hello, Tessa. Oh, okay. Uh, let's call back. There we go. I actually okay. Let's call back. There we go. I actually agree. What about like Dreamtown? It does.

Tessa, Tony and Ryan, how are you doing? Good. How are you? Did you screen our fucking call? No, I answered, but nobody spoke. How dare you? If you think Tessa I've ever been quiet in my whole fucking life, you're lying. You're wrong. Incorrect.

Now Tessa, I believe you experienced my love language yesterday because I sent you a real estate.com.au link. I only do that for people I love. That is true. It was absolutely amazing. I want to buy it. Don't have 1.au link. I only do that for people I love. That is true. It was absolutely amazing. I want to buy it. Don't have 1.6 million. Yeah. So I found out that Ryan needs to change his, uh, his parameters. Yeah. No, I went to sister's beach on real estate.com.au and there was an apartment like on the sand, like you walk out the back door on the sand. And I said, Hey Tessa, just letting you know, Tony and Ryan will be recorded from here for the next hundred years.

See you soon down in local shops. Amazing. Beautiful part of the world. Tessa, will you approve today's podcast? Absolutely. Legend. Hi, it's Tessa from Sisters Beach Tasmania and I approve this podcast. All right. Welcome to the show and the next 10 minutes of all of our lives could be harrowing.

So strap in. It's fucking on strap in strap on last week or the week before. Sometime I mentioned that I, my protruding nipples, um, Use the scientific name. A protrusus nippleitis. Thank you. Um, I closed my laptop that was sitting on my chest

when I was laying on the couch and like, And you got a nippleectomy. A nippleectomy. And, Can you please do the sound again? That I made or that the nipples made? That you made. I'll even use the laptop for sound effect. Because it...

The little, the little squeak. It's very good. So we were chatting a little bit about nipples. And, um, Tony, On the show. On the show. Yeah. Is it fair to say you weren't expecting what, what happened to you? I mean, you can never expect what might happen because it's never what you think.

It's a crazy world out there. It is a crazy world. Well, you were talking about your protrudus nipple artist and I said that I actually have quite small nipples. And then I said, I've thought in the past about like getting my nipples pierced because I think it looks really cool and that would make you feel like a bit like, yeah, every day. True or false. Did you as part of that chat say, please everyone send me lots of DMS with

pictures of your pierced and infected nipples. I don't think that I said that in that many words. I did say, I don't think you said it at all. I think I actually said, which is strange. She's a lot of people heard it. I think I might've said, like, let me know if you've got smaller nipples and like if it worked for you. And that's not really what I got.

No, it's not, is it? No, no, because you did. I'm on your. You did not say, please send me photos of your nips. Don't send me videos of getting your nipples pierced. Or even that's a bit. Which I had offered. Um, I think I love. You came in the next day, you were as wide as a ghost.

Yeah. People really got behind the course. Which is in a support. Yeah, that is very supportive. However, I think that, um, maybe this is like a little bit of logistics chat about my life. I actually am not really aware of how many people listen to this podcast. It's fucked. Knowing the number, right.

So take the Facebook group, for example, right. And you go, there's one hundred and thirty thousand people in there. And you go, wow, that's insane. But like, do you think about more of an MCG's worth of people all listening to what you say? Terrifying. And then if you double that 130,000 people, that is presumably 260,000 nipples. And everyone's got some to say.

If everyone on average has to, some less, some more. Give or take. Harry Styles is a tarpa, so you've got to add one for there. Add one in there. But I just, like, I think that again, the logistics chat of me not really understanding like the power of asking a question. Do you think the 260,000 nipples were well represented in your DMs? There was a diverse range of nipples that I've seen.

That's nice. Wearing open and inclusive. Yeah, we are. Sex positive podcast. Yeah. Nip positive. Or nip neutral. Your big nipples, my little nipples.

Don't know about Sophie's redacted. Redacted. Don't ask that. All good. All good. Don't ask that. But like, so I guess that whilst obviously there was a lot of nipples, a lot of nipple offering, a lot of that, it was more like an insight into, wow, like I've got power.

And I didn't think I did that I could ask you a question and have that many people being like, Oh, Tony, show me, I'm a, I used to be a piercer. If you send me a picture of your nipples, I'll tell you whether I could do it. I used to be a piercer. Go to this guy. He's great. I've been pierced by this person. They're awesome.

Send them your nips. Um, Oh, I had my nipples done and they're really small and I never had a problem until, Oh, actually two weeks ago, I caught it on the door and it ripped out. You know, a lot of that and I've got a couple of stories here. Oh, great. Great. I'm actually not scared cause I've seen and heard it all. Can you just timestamp that?

So I'm not scared cause I've seen and heard it all. Mate, you jump into my fucking inbox right now. Anonymous. When I was little, we took knitting needles everywhere because we love knitting. One day I put the needles under my jacket vertically so they were kind of like sitting in my belt buckle and running up and down my torso. Oh my fucking blood just went cold. You're right I wasn't ready. When I sat down the needle

jumped and sliced my nipple off. It was hanging on by a thread of skin and I remember thinking should I leave it on or just yank it off? Oh my God. I asked mum and she turned white. She didn't want to know about it. She didn't want to think about it. So she just stuck it back on with sticky tape, pulled my shirt down and said, let's not worry about it. That is irresponsible. Yeah.

Yeah. Not only did the nipple reattach itself, it apparently grew- Like a starfish. Like a starfish. It apparently grew three times the nerve endings and milk channels and later in life I became like a legitimate fire hydrant. Hosing her kids down. Wow. Fuck that would have been so painful.

For grownup scenarios, because of the extra nerve endings, it's now like an on button where you can just press it and activate all systems. That's hot. Sophie sounds like she likes that too, redacted. I've just spoken with a lawyer. I found the cheat code. Can someone please message through and say, Tony, you can't just do whatever you want and then say redacted and it'd be fine. So what are you going to do?

So you go and like murder someone in the street and just go, oh, well, no, because that's got physical consequences. Redacted. But if I ask you about her nipples and then redacted, redacted, see, then it hasn't happened. What can she say? Another anonymous story. I'm a bigger girl with bigger boobs, so big big in fact, I had to breastfeed my babies a certain way so I didn't suffocate them with my big choosies.

Oh, that's a technical term. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One day I got out of the shower, put my jeans on, bent down to grab my shirt and the nipple got caught in the zipper of like the fly of the jeans. Oh, oh, oh.

Yeah. I heard a tear. I heard a tear. I heard a tear and I was bleeding like. Sorry, I heard a tear. I heard a tear. Alright. I started to cry. How do you spell tear and how do you spell tear? They're both the same. Oh, well, fucking shame on me.

That's on the English language, not on me. Oh, my. Are they actually spelled the same? Yeah, T-E-A-R. That's ridiculous. Um, there's lots of words like that. Yeah. Minute and minute, they're spelled the same, but they're said differently.

Are you fucking kidding me? My newt. Yeah, of course it is. Are you, are you joking? Obviously you're obviously joking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm good. Um, it's just, I've never used the word minute. I've had it used when someone's pointed at me. Um, but I've never written it down before. Yeah. My newt. There's a few of those. Whose newt?

Mine newt. Mine newt, exactly right. So she heard a tear. A tear, and I was bleeding like a struck pig. Oh, fuck, that would hurt. Cause your nipples are so sensitive. I had to wiggle, like, so she's stuck in, she's stuck with the nips in the thing. Have you ever had your cockadoodledo called in there?

No, that might be a few close calls, but not a, not a. Cause that, a bit like how they tell us that we're going to need to go from day to night. Yeah. That sounds like something that I just think would happen all day, every day. Oh, it doesn't not. Yeah. Like sometimes it's just not as frequently as. But like you just I just grow up thinking, oh, I'm going to have to go from the office to a party every day, just like in magazines.

And now I had to wiggle with my nipple still stuck in my jeans and shuffle down the stairs to my garage to pry my nipple out of the jeans with pliers. It ruined my zipper and it ruined my right nipper. Yeah. So is there lasting damage to the nipple? Do we know that? I think the nipple is fine, but it was just painful. And now it's like one of those, every time she gets stressed, it's like, just check, just check. Now I'm actually just going to read the first story of this, the first sentence of this story and I think we'll just let Tony tell, like, what else is there? Like, we already know the whole story from this first line from Sarah. Oh no.

Hi Sarah. Sorry about your nipples. Tony doesn't know this story, but I'm just going to let her finish the story. I'm five foot zero, which means my nipples are the exact same height as the top of our bin. Tony, do you want to tell us the story? Oh, do we just want to leave it like a wheelie bin? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Wheelie bin. Yeah. Oh, that's a heavy lid. Yeah. And that real, that lid slams down. Yeah. Oh, so are you putting the bin out in the nude or is it just clapping you through your naughty?

Yeah. Okay. Let's leave it there. Hi, it's Tessa from Sisters Beach, Tas Tasmania and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. If you don't know what Patreon is, it's basically like we've got our own another little community over there and it's all exclusive stuff. So we don't post any of that anywhere else. So it's lots of exclusive content.

You get to message us, like I go through and reply to all the messages. It's a lot of fun. And it's also where if you are interested in approving the podcast, that's how you can do that. There's a little link in there and the, the, the spots go really, really fast. So you've got to, got to be quick. But if you've ever thought about wondering how we pick those people, they sign up inside our Patreon. Um, I don't want to spoil our last live stream in case anyone wants to go back and watch

it, but is it fair to say I'm an amazing detective? You are an amazing detective. Um. What was the done detectives? Done detectives. When you were a kid? Yeah, it's paid off. You've been caught done, done. But we played Cluedo and it got wild. I don't want to give anything away, but I'm an excellent detective and we played Cluedo. But I fucking rule. I thought you were just going to say the detective thing, but now you said both. So it's clear that Ryan won. No, I just, you'll have to find out.

But I was pretty good. Ryan won. Yeah. Pretty good. Ryan, John won. MW thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Steven Wibberwoh, Alexandra Worthington, Adam Marvin, L and Chloe Ivers. Thank you very much for being part of the Patreon.

Being over there, we absolutely love to see it. Love to see it, love to see it. Couple of days ago, in the beginning of the podcast, I talked about maybe if, wouldn't it be good if you were at the gynecologist and then they, you got to turn over and have a little massage. Because going to the gynecologist is quite stressful. It's like not a fun experience, you know,

but you're going in for a pap sprain, you're like, oh, a bit nervous, whatever. And then wouldn't it be good if that, like, after that you got a little massage, calm you back down, send you on your way. And then we also said, wouldn't it be good if at the gynecologist, there was a dentist. Get all the bad shit out of the way at once.

And so then maybe you get your clean and your schmear done at the same time. I know it's not right, but I thought you were going to say a clean and your spleen, but that's obviously not right, but it just sounded good. So just ignore me. Get your veneer and your schmear. Get your teeth in your top. Floss on your box. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Um. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm not gonna.

A lightning and a frightening. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. A brush in a box. Ha ha ha. A brush in a bush. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Maybe it's a waxing a brush in a bush. Maybe it's a waxing place.

Maybe it is. Yes, brush, no bush. That's how you walk away from it. Well, if you're just going to have your legs splayed on a table, you might as well get all the surfaces done. Get everything done. I actually forgot we didn't talk about this and I find it hilarious and I'm also nervous. Oh no.

Well, so I went away and I thought what other combinations would be good that if in the service industry, you could go somewhere and get like more than one thing done. Yeah. Um, so when you go and get your... What, can you just tell me what that I need? Do I need to be ready for some shit? No, I don't think so. I think these are just good ideas. Okay. Nothing, none of it's bad. It's just like a great business plan.

Okay. So, but maybe I'm in business mode. Maybe I'm here to invest. Shark tank. Yeah, I'm shark tank. Shark tank. Sorry. Shark wank. I just wank you off a dude, give me money.

My business. Okay. So. It's like, oh yeah, she wanted to be a lending shark. I don't think she gets it. She's just like wanking everyone off. Are you giving me money? My business. OK, so. Oh, yeah. She wanted to be a lending shark. I don't think she gets it. She's like wanking everyone off. Like I'm a shark lending. What is that? A loan shark. Loan shark.

Well, OK, it's like a loan shark. It's like a Jizz Dolphin. Sorry, sorry, okay. It's like a loan shark. It's like a jizz dolphin. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Services combinations got it all good. So when you're at the hairdresser, you know, when they put you at the little basin to like either like wash your hair out because you're doing your color or whatever. And you often have to if you're getting a toner, you have to sit there for a little while.

Wouldn't it be good if at the same time they gave you a little face mask or like did your eyebrows or something? I do like that. Isn't that just genuinely a good idea? Well, you know how I like seeing the Turkish barber just beat the shit out of people. Did you end up going to a Turkish bar while we were in London? You should have. No, I regret it.

They do a lot of like hot towel on the face while we do the other stuff. See, I think that's such a missed opportunity. Or like a little hand massage, or get your nails done at the thing, because you sat there for so long. And also, because I have the hairdresser, I can't wear my glasses, so I literally can't do anything.

Like, so I can't sit there on my phone or anything, because it just like gives me a headache. Um, this is a classic one and I will go down to the death. I will go down on you thinking this. You should be able to get your nails done at the airport. It is so crazy that you, cause you're sat there for such a long time. Is there too much time pressure on the nail people? Cause you know how sometimes your appointment goes over. Yeah.

Well, you're just going to miss your flight. But I guess like if they said, we only do basic stuff though. Yeah. Or it's on you. It's going to be 20 minutes. And it's like, you show them your ticket and they go, no, we don't have enough time for, to, you know, I'm just imagining someone with half a haircut getting on a plane. Yeah. Yeah. Or you got like foils on the end of your fingers and you're trying to get in there. Yeah. But I agree that services at the airport, like you've got all these people who probably have disposable income and they're all just sitting around looking for something to do. Like, fuck dude.

And there's only so much you can like eat. Wow. You know how you kind of like eat to kill time or whatever at the airport. You go, oh, you know what? I'll have something to eat before we jump on the plane. But like there's only so much you can like sit around in a pub or whatever. Yes, there is. Another one that I thought would be good, a massage at a car wash. You go in, your car's getting worked on out the front and then you're getting a little massage. Okay. So this is just reminding me of something, because I love that. But if I came in and I was like all refreshed and stuff and you went,

oh, what have you been up to? And I said, I was at the car wash. You would judge me like that time I ordered a steak at a bowling alley. But now that it's actually one of my businesses, I wouldn't mind because I'd be making money off that. No, but you're right. What a double whammy. Don't you think that would be making money off that. Okay, yeah, yeah. No, I'd be like, what a double whammy. Don't you think that would be so good? And they go, they go, we'll do the 90 minutes special. We'll fuck it.

90 minutes? Well, the car takes 90 minutes. You got, you get 60. Yeah. That would be pretty good, I think. Yeah, that would be good. Another one with the car wash that I thought would be good. Yeah.

And this is, I guess, kind of like those magic car washes in shopping centers, I'm just realizing. But like a car wash at the Coles, so you go and do your food shopping and they wash your car. Yeah. But that exists. That does exist. I didn't think about that. There also is... I guess there is massive places in the shopping center.

No, I was going to say with your example, that's there, yeah. But I'm thinking about a one-stop shop and you get like a deal. It's like a shopping center. Because I'd love a combo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The thing though about that is that when you get your car washed at a shopping center, you have to fucking pay for parking.

I knew you were going to bring this up. Do you remember though when that happened to me? I remember that happening. I remember you complaining about it many times. I think it's a good point though. It is a great point. So I've paid all this money to get my car washed and then I go, oh well my car's been here for six hours.

They go, yep, see ya. I put the ticket in the thing and it was like, I can't even remember how much, it was like over a hundred dollars. Yeah, it's crazy. It's fucked. Do you remember that time that I got my car washed and you were at my house? Yeah, I do. Oh, and I'm not allowed to bring things up more than once. I'll tell Sophie because I don't think she...

Sophie actually does know, I think. I just, it was surprising that you were there each time. No, it wasn't. So Tony came over for breakfast and I had a 1pm like car wash. And so I think we'd come over at like 10 or 11 o'clock. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, thanks for coming over guys. I actually got a fucking jump.

Got to go take the car down to the car wash and walk back. So I guess I'll see you guys later. And I get home and they're still there. But like Bridget was there. It's not as if we just stayed at your house. And then I got this text from the car wash going, Oh, your car's ready to pick up. So I walked back down to Vic Gardens, got the car. I was like, Oh guys, seriously, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming over. 12th. Good to see you, mate. All good. See you at work tomorrow, I guess. Yeah, have a great day. So I walked back to the Vic Gardens,

get the car, find the car park. Oh, Tony! Do you want to stay for dinner? Oh, so you invited me to stay. Oh, who's fault's that? I invited me to stay. Oh, who's fucked up? I was desperate to leave. You're like, do you want to stay for dinner? Like, fuck me.

To be fair, Tony goes, if we stay for dinner, we should order and we should get this like, what was the chicken place? I don't even remember. It was like a hot spicy wing. And I was like, great call on the wings. I will allow it. I would just like to say, because whenever you tell this story a lot and you say it in a nasty way.

No, it's great. It actually was fun. But like the vibes were. I wasn't expecting it. Yeah. No, but like we were like, I mean, we were also like day drinking, so it's not as if we were sat there like. Yeah. That changes the whole thing.

That changes the whole thing. And then like when Ryan came back from the car wash place, he had like more alcohol with him. Oh no, I think the day drinking began whilst I was out one of the times. Because when I got back, I was like, oh, are we fucking like. No, we had champagne at breakfast and stuff. Oh, did we? Yeah.

Like we used to be fun. Yeah. Where are those guys gone? Yeah. Who are they? You had like, you had like one champagne. You're like, I'm not going to have another one because I've got to take the card. And like, you know, and it was like a plan thing.

Yeah. So, but every time you tell that story, it makes it paints me in such a bad light, but I promise the vibes were high. The vibes were high. And I would like to redact what I said. Okay. That's fine. Redacted. Redacted. Next service.

Mechanic with an eyebrow place. Yep. However. Yeah. I fucking need to book my car into the mechanic actually. Well, the thing is, is that remember only recently that my car was at the mechanic for like a month. How many times can you get your brows done? Oh yeah, I wouldn't have any fucking eyebrows left. Or do you just keep adding services on?

You go, yeah, I guess I'll get my lips done. You just wax the other armpit, I guess. Or do you just keep adding things on? Chipping away. And by the end of that car service, you've got like 72... There's not a hair on my body. Not a hair. And there's 72 units of filler. It's like all around your person and stuff.

Like I've had one ear taken off and put back on. Yeah. Like just everything's been done. My nail polish has been put on and taken off many times. I know you didn't ask for the ear removal, but like, what are we going to do? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've got some scissors.

I got two. I can spare one, I guess. Um, but I did think a good one would be a dog groomer. That's also a human groomer. Yes. And that Pippa and I could like get our nails done together. Love it. Love it. Isn't that so cute?

I tried to have a bath with Bron Mons cause I thought it was cute and it didn't work. Yeah, nah. He did the shaky thing. He jumped out. It was fucking chaos. Also often dogs have like random medicated shampoo. Like I can't imagine that would be very good for your skin. I can confirm I was dry.

Yeah, it would be good. More of the beauty side than the washing. But yes, yes, 100%. I think that's quite cute. And then we both come out with a little French tip because she's a French bulldog. Which she just calls her the tip. French Pip.

A French tip and a French pip. I love it. Yeah. So if any of the sharks would like to invest, I'll whack you off and we can get started. I believe that's how it works. Yeah. I mean, That's why it's such a good show.

You got a lot of DMs for the nips. Oh no. The amount of investing, investor DMs coming your way. Yeah, actually. Hey, I've got investing investor DMS coming your way. Yeah, actually. Hey, I've got some money to invest in your idea. Maybe it wasn't a good call out. Tips and pips is a winner. Tips and pips is quite good, isn't it?

I do have your love to say it. Sorry, does Pippa call a French tip a tip? A tip? Because she's French. Yeah, does she? It's just a tip. Okay. Well, she actually, she actually can't talk.

Oh, yeah, like, I'm so sorry, but she's actually got to talk. I've got to love to see it from not Kim. Oh, yeah. So I don't know who it is, but I know who it's not. And it's not Kim. Kim says, not Kim, sorry, anyone but Kim. I was hopping in the car with my mom. It must be nice. And all of a sudden on the big screen of the Apple car play thing comes up the text, Ryan's threesome. Yes. And my mom looked at it as I was fumbling with my phone, my blood's running cold. I'm so embarrassed and I'm trying to think of like an excuse. And, and then not Kim bursts out laughing and, uh, she's like, I never thought that I would be one of those people that had to explain one of the Tony and Ryan episode names.

You never think it's going to be you until it is. Until it is. Um, she says, I tried to start explaining during fits of laughter that it's like just a podcast and that actually this kind of thing happens all the time on the podcast. And then mum and mum goes okay mate. Well whoever you are, yeah well it's not him, whoever you are play her this bit and say this is common fodder and we promise that it's all legit it's all about bored and your daughter's and maybe just um go past the part where I talk about wanking off the people on Shark Tank. Yeah, but stay if you're rich and looking for a good business opportunity in investment. I thought you were about to say stay if you're rich if you're a good bitch.

Stay if you're rich and if you're looking for a good bitch. That's what, if I had Tinder, that's what it would say. If I was a crypto bro, who was also like a pimp. I'd be like, come join me and I'll get you riches and bitches. It's just much like what I'd already said. Yeah, I'm yes anding. So but I don't I think that yes and needs a something. OK, riches and bitches and Tony.

No, I'm not saying I need to be involved. Well, you are rich and a bitch. So maybe I'll just call it Tony. I'm a rich bitch. You know that song? Yeah. It's like, come and get Tonyed. No.

I know that's the shark. Sorry. You're not calling it that. Okay, sorry. I've got to love to say it. It's from Cat Roberts, who's also not Kim. Look, it's not Doug Johnson. I hate it.

I need to go home. I just, I've had enough. I've had enough. Cat Ro- Doug Johnson. Yeah, no, yeah. Cause it's like a common last name. Cat Roberts, Doug Johnson.

I'm starting university again in February. I'm 35 years old, but I've decided I'm actually- That's old for a cat. Is that in cat years though? I'm starting uni again in February at 35 years old. I didn't- Did I fuck something up? No! 35 is old for a cat! And it is, it would be! I didn't finish my original degree, um, but I really, I'm like, you know, I want to get that done.

That's amazing. Yeah. Sorry. I'm so sorry. So I looked through all the different degrees they offer through the catalogue. Pffft! She got her dog-gree! Oh, maybe she'll find out what pedigree she is. She's studying mathematics and statistics and I'm very excited.

And catistics. Fucking play that. See you later. Have a good day. Ciao see you tomorrow. Meow meow meow meow. Meow Roberts. See you later day. Chat to you tomorrow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meowthamadixson. Meow Roberts.

Meowthamadixson cats to sticks. Bye, bye, bye. Ha ha ha. Oh, love you, bye.