Toni and Ryan - A Fanny Holiday

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

SPICY CONFESSIONS and a bit of an oversight from meeeeee. Toni xoxoxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan, Vice Captain of the ship. Our captain, doctor, author, best-selling author, Tony Lodge is here. What can't you do? What? Is there actually something you can't do? Um, I can't be an accountant. You used to be an accountant. A lot of accountant chat, but you used to be an accountant. I can't do that. Um, let's call Heidi, who is in... Hopefully we can find her. She's not hiding.

She's in the Northern Territory. Hello? She's not hiding. She's in the Northern Territory. Hello. Hello, Heidi. What the hell is going on? Was there a dog? What's going on? That's my child. Oh, sorry.

The phone answered and there was a scream. It all happened at the same time. Far out. Will you approve today's podcast? Absolutely. Thank you approve today's podcast? Absolutely. Thank you very much. And, Cam, can you just write down for me to never assume that a sound is an animal and not a child in the future? Yes.

That's good advice. The default is like just assume it's a person. Hi, this is Heidi from the Northern Territory and I approve this podcast. Yeah. Hi, this is Heidi from the Northern Territory, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up. I don't exactly know what's happened, but I feel like Tony's trying to scam everyone. No. And that's all I'll say.

No. Hon that's all I'll say. No. Honest, Tony. I've shared some anxieties about travel in the past. Yep. Yeah. Okay. You know when you really think you're doing the right thing. No good deed goes unpunished.

Yep. I don't even know what that saying means, but yes, that is correct. That's coming up soon. But first, it's Tuesdayuesday's let's do confessions these are top confessions thanks to everyone who submitted them at tonyandryan.com.au forgive me tarpa for i have sinned anonymous confession from a sperm supplier i had a vasectomy and the six-week checkup was the worst day of my life, my wife's life and the life of the poor girl who worked at reception. I mean, you'd meet some dicks in that job, wouldn't you? Thanks for tuning in, everyone.

Better than being a gynecologist though. Some absolute... Just kidding. Sorry. I had to bring a sample with me to check if the procedure worked, but I was too embarrassed to carry it in my hand, so I popped it in my wife's bag. I didn't even think about having to make sure

that there weren't any swimmers in there. So, six weeks after, you, like, do a little sample and they kind of go, yep, all good. Just shoot in blanks. So you don't get to have it done and then go, in we go, sweetheart. We can, but you never know. You never know. Yeah. So does that mean you have to wait six weeks before you can raw dog it?

I assume so. But I'm assuming after you've had that done, you wouldn't want to be doing anything for a little bit. Yeah, true. Is it really? Because it's like day surgery, right? but you would be so sore afterwards yeah like i think the pain after is probably more than actually yeah i think you're awake but you're just like drowsy and you can't see they put the curtain up what do they call that um twilight sedation twilight so you're it's like halfway i think that's where i was when i had my wisdom teeth out oh because you've told

me that you could feel them. That was the first time. And the second time I was like, take me out. I don't want to remember it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to know about it. Because remember my partner Torb's had his wisdom teeth out this year. And you were like, just tell him, pay the money.

Don't do it in the chair. Not worth it. Yeah. 100% not worth it. All right. So, six weeks after, the sperm's in the bag. Oh. Sorry.

Love of my own gear. All good. We get to reception and my wife puts her hand in her bag and it turns out the lid wasn't on really tight and the sample had gone all through the bag and then when she pulled her hand out, it was on her fingers dripping down her arm and her wrist and it was just fucking everywhere that is so upsetting i said don't waste it i don't want to do it again so the receptionist grabs the container

pops it on the bench and then gets the bag and, like, tries to, like, sort of tip the rest out of the bag into the container. Stop doing what you're doing. Tip the rest out into the bag. Tip the rest out. Or, like, scoop it out. Don't say scoop. Scrape it out. Don't say scrape.

Like, because she's a viscous liquid. It's thick. I don't know what those words even mean and I'm offended by them. Well, viscous, it's like the viscosity of a liquid is like, if it's viscous, it's thick like medicine. Like as thick as a hot chocolate on a plane. Oh, that's thick. Yeah.

God, that would get you another sample, wouldn't it? You got a hot choccy on the plane, you go, yeah, I'm ready to go again. Fuck, that is so upsetting. So grim. I hope it wasn't a really nice handbag. Oh, that's your main concern? Yeah, because if it's my fucking handbag that someone's put their jizz in and don't even get me started actually on going out with people

who don't carry a bag and they go, oh, you might have a pop a few things in your bag. You do it. Torbs does it. Cam's done it to me before. I fucking, it is so stressful. Women's clothes don't have pockets. We have to have a bag.

And you got your pockets, but still, oh, yeah, do you mind if I put that in your bloody bag? Sweetheart. I've never come in your bag. Not my handbag. Oh, that's not called a bag That's called your But like You know what I mean

So I think it is a very fair question To say I hope it wasn't a nice handbag Hopefully that day she was just rocking a tote An eco bag or something like that Because that guy If it was a tote bag it would have soaked straight through the sides It's dripping through the hallway? And the tote bag would have just glued itself shut.

Also, what kind of fucking peanut is, like, not ensuring that that is. Double, triple, quadruple check that lid's tight. You're tightening that bad boy like there's no fucking tomorrow. Tighten the lid like they're tightening your side. Yeah. Actually, though, and I just, I think that I'm on her side, the woman, the receptionist, whoever. I'm on everyone's side except that person because, yeah, that's embarrassing, but fucking those specimen jars,

they tighten up all right. They do. You've got to be smart, you know. Put a little bit of the specimen on the bit that tightens. That'll really glue it shut. That'll really tighten it up. smart, you know. Put a little bit of the specimen on the bit that tightens. That'll really glue it shut. That'll really tighten it up. Yeah, far out. I didn't intend for this episode to be like a girl power feminism,

but this next story, the headline's going to fuck you right off. And this is written by a lady. Okay. I'm just reading what she said. Okay. This is why a husband should never clean the bathroom, according to an anonymous person who's called themselves Fiery Flaps. My husband had cleaned the bathroom and I went to do a number two.

It means it's also five minutes without the kids annoying me. Oh, yeah. So she goes and does her business, but she's like scrolling on TikTok and just like, you know, just taking a second. Yeah. Sometimes I'll do a Facebook wee. Yeah. Where like, yeah, I'm on the gram or whatever.

Yeah. And you just kind of sit there. You lose track of time. It's just glorious. It wasn't until I went to wipe that I realized my husband had used some brutal bleach on the toilet seat and the fumes had started to singe my poor fanny flaps, which were soon to be red raw.

Oh. Oh, and so sensitive. Like, luckily it wasn't one of the kids. Like that. Yeah. Oh, my God. You poor little pussy. Yeah.

I had to walk around the house like I was riding a horse for the next few days because, like, if my legs rubbed or anything, you know, got a bit too close. We have told a lot of stories on this podcast where you've said, oh, penis havers, get ready to squirm. Think we said that the other day. Yeah, I'm feeling that in my puswa. I really am. Like, I'm really feeling that in the johnny like that's all my tiny johnny it's burnt like chemical burn have you ever had a chemical burn like i'm gonna ask this and i don't think you're gonna know what

i'm talking about but like if you um dye your own hair at home and like the peroxide like blonde peroxide that has that smell you don't really smell it in the hairdresser but if you do it yourself and you kind of burn the hair and you get like little blisters on your head if you like don't do a good job i bleached my hair when i was younger like in high school yeah um and i do remember just the pain of the burn yeah because it kind of like it starts to really hurt. And it lingers. You can't just get rid of it. No. Just wash it off. Yeah.

It's on your skin. Imagine that like on your gooch, your poussoir. Oh, poor girl. Yeah. Get a hotel for the weekend. Make the husband look after the kids and you go, I need a little fanny holiday. And you just go and you stay at the fanny holiday place.

Fanny holiday, that sounds quite nice. Question. Question. Have I just created a great idea? Should I be in a spa for this? What would be a fanny holiday? I don't know. Not your husband.

Yeah. Like no one, I think think you would just go by yourself you jerk off you sit in the bath you like eat beautiful food that's just a vacation i think it's just a normal holiday question question is this really bad luck or is this the best example of weaponized incompetence you've ever heard? Sweetie, could you wash the bathroom? Wow, last time I did that, you fucking burnt your flaps off. Yeah, last time I did it, you complained and you go, well, yeah,

because you fucked it up. Yeah. Oh, that's a great question. But I mean. I don't want to make any accusations. I'm just saying. I think, though, it is easy to accidentally be lethal with bleach. Like, I stand by the fact that it is easy to fuck up.

And whether since then. Would you let your partner do the bleaching next time? Or would you go, you know what, sweetie, I'll take it from here. I probably wouldn't. But I would go, let's swap a job. How about I do the toilet but you do something worse? Like, I don't know, let's swap a job. How about I do the toilet, but you do something worse? Like, I don't know, what's worse than the toilet? Like, if you're not into gardening, like, you can do the weeding out the front or something.

You know what I mean? Then you go, oh, how about I offload one of my jobs onto- What's the most annoying chores if we were to order them? Cleaning the bathroom is- Is pretty up there. Is pretty up there because hair not attached to the body really bothers me. Yeah.

Having body hair, couldn't care less. Hair in a drain, hair in a sink, hair on the floor, absolutely beside myself. And I remember, recall, back in my share house days being like, don't know if that's my hair, their hair, where it's come from on the body. Just something about wet hair not being attached to someone's body just absolutely sends me into oblivion. Couldn't agree more.

I need a fanny holider after that. You need a fanny holider. Hey, it's Heidi from the Northern Territory and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tarpers over at our Patreon. Tarpers, Tony and Ryan Podcast. Of course. Ellie Jane.

Love to see it, Ellie. Thank you so much. Brooke Donnan. Oh, Donnan a hat. Beautiful. Isaac Timon and Hang. Isaac, love ya. Catherine Apapagalo.

And Charles Patterson. Cheers, Charles. Cheers, Charles. Thanks, Charles. Don't know if you're getting any work done over in Fiji. Don't even know if you're still in Fiji. I would be surprised if Love Island rehire Charles because he's doing nothing. He is just sitting on the beach having a wild time.

I tell you what, though, I did laugh very hard when he used the audio. He posted a reel or something and it was like, a brand new bonshalla's entered the villa. And it was him. Yeah, I love that. That's so funny. That's always funny.

That is always funny. That audio is always funny. And it was even funnier being someone that we knew that we knew was, like, doing the audio. Yeah, 100%. Like, very, very funny. Great comedy. Welcome. Tony and I are off to the U.S. in the end of October and the start of November.

So, we're getting ready for the trip. All the details are in the Tony and Ryan podcast Facebook group. So, it's my first time going to America. Both of you guys have gone before. And Ryan, like, you and I have travelled together quite a bit with this job. Yeah. And I, like, kind of like to be prepared. Yeah.

I also really like to have my wits about me when i'm going to a new place and lots of people have reached out and been like oh um be aware of like tipping and you know all of that stuff and like because in america you have to is it that tax isn't included in prices you've got to like add it in yourself you look at the menu and it's like oh four dollars fifty right and they go yep that'll be five5.10. And you go, what? Like, and that just, I don't understand that because in Australia, like if something's $5, it's $5. Like you don't tip, there's no tax to add on or whatever.

So, I'm kind of being really mindful about. Hang on. When you say mindful, do you mean I'm finding things to stress about? Not finding things to stress about, but I think I'm just like, I need to remember that, like, because I'm going to say something because this is just what I do. I think quickly and I'm going to go, oh, my God, that coffee is a dollar. Coffee is not a dollar in Australia.

And then it's going to be like, add tax, add a tip, whatever, $16 later, like, there's my coffee, you know, and fucking exchange rate as well because I don't think that our dollar's that strong at the moment. No, no. And I would actually recommend you don't convert because when you find out how, yeah. That's a bit heartbreaking.

It's better not to know. So, because we're going to be working nonstop for three weeks, the week after that it happens to be Thanksgiving. Yep. You've got family in America. Yeah, biological family over there. Yeah, which to be Thanksgiving. Yep. You've got family in America. Yeah, biological family over there. Which is very exciting. Yep.

And so after we kind of break up. Yep. Not like permanently but after we like split off, you and Bridget and baby Mabel are going to spend time with your family in Texas. We're off to Texas. Yep, off to Austin. And doing like family Thanksgiving, which is fucking adorable. Yep.

And then we are going to have a week in Hawaii on the back end. And I'm really, so not, I haven't been to America, never been to Hawaii. Torbs and I have also never had like a. A beach relaxer holiday. Yep. We've only done. Japan. Doing shit holidays.

We've only done Japan. So we've been to Japan. But've only done doing shit holidays. We've only done Japan. But Japan is a doing shit place. Yeah, because there's like heaps of places to look at and see and you kind of like fly to Tokyo, but then you catch the train all around. But you're not going to just go to a resort and plonk down for a week in Japan. It's not that kind of place. No. And the same when we went to Vietnam and just like every place we've been on holiday and then COVID happened. Yeah.

But every place we've been on holiday has been then COVID happened, but every place we've been on holiday has been like sightseeing, walking around, moving around. Do you need stuff to do or are you quite happy now to just really soak in, settle into that resort kind of week where you can just go for a swim? Maybe you get a jet ski or something, but there's no like big overnight trips, catching trains and shit? I could not be more excited about it.

And because we've never done like a real relax-o holiday, catching trains and shit. I could not be more excited about it. Yeah, yeah. And because we've never done, like, a real relax-o holiday, I was like, let's fucking settle in here. Like, let's really do it. White Lotus, you're going to kill someone? Oh, no. Oh, my God, the White Lotus. That's way beyond our splurge rate.

Is that an actual place? So, the hotel that it's set at is a real hotel. Oh, okay, yeah. And it's, like, on this, it's, like, in a different island. Yeah. But it's stunning, though. We did. And it's like on this, it's like in a different island. Yeah. But it's stunning though. We did look at it and we went, no. But you're like, hey, we haven't done one of these holidays.

Let's settle in. Let's get the nice room with the pool view and all that kind of stuff. And we were looking at booking our flights from Melbourne to America. Yeah. And you know how when you're kind of looking around and it's like on the Qantas website, it kind of has like the cheap like economy ticket, then it's got like the economy saver and then it's,

you know how there's like the- The flexi fare, the this fare, the red ice special. Oh, you don't drink alcohol but you like oranges. All right, yeah, cool. Great. And then there's the no meal included one. Then there's like premium economy and then business all comes up on the same like row. Yeah.

So, we're kind of looking at it and a normal ticket is like $3,000 or something. A premium economy ticket is like $4,000. Yeah. And business class is like $12,000 or something. From Melbourne to America. Yeah. And I was like, okay, like obviously not doing that. Yeah.

But I was like, let's book our flight from Hawaii to Melbourne now. Yeah. And I was like, well, okay, like, obviously not doing that. Yeah. But I was like, let's book our flight from Hawaii to Melbourne now. Yeah. Because that's probably going to be the hardest flight to get. Hardest flight, most expensive, and that's one less thing you need to worry about later. Anyway, so we're looking at our flights from Hawaii to home, and I'm looking on the website, and you know how there's always some Qantas sale? Like, it's always like, oh, the summer sale, the this sale, the whatever and it's like. Escape winter. Yeah, and it's like if you travel between the

first and the second, you get this great deal but they never, but you can't fly on a Saturday and it can't be whatever. Fly whenever you like between 1pm and 1.30. Yeah, and there's all these stipulations and you go you never jag the right flight. Actually, I've never got a sail on a flight. No, me either because they never, ever fall in the right time. Although having said that, I've never paid full price for a rug. Oh, well, I mean, I don't think you can.

I know. I think if you walk in there and go, actually, could I pay full price? They go, well, no. Go fuck yourself and get on a flight. We've already put the slash on the website. You never get a on the website you never get a a sale flight but you never get a full price rug and that's how we live in this world

and that's a beautiful you've always said that yeah and you can google that and you'll take that take that to the bank anyway so we're looking at our flights home from hawaii and um and i'm like oh hawaii to melbourne it's like a thousand,000. You're halfway home already, mate. Well, yeah. So I'm like, okay. So it's like $1,000 for a normal like economy ticket from Hawaii to Melbourne, right? Yeah, right. And I was like, fuck, from Melbourne to America, it's three grand for like a baseline ticket or whatever.

So I'm like, fuck, $1,000. I was like, you know what I'll do? I'll just have a gander. Fuck. And I scrolled to the side of the website. have a gander and i scroll to the side of the website i scroll they're not charging me enough if only i could give them more money and i go from hawaii to melbourne it's three thousand dollars for a business ticket really that like right and so i was like fuck obviously the dates i've put in do work for, like, the thing. And I'm like, look, we're already halfway home.

If it costs $12,000 to get on business from Melbourne to America, we're already halfway home. So, of course, that would already decrease the price. And then also I've obviously typed in the right key code for the sale or whatever. And so I go, you know what? We've never had a relaxing holiday. We've never done something bougie and fancy for ourselves.

I'm going to book us two business class tickets home because I just think how nice, I just think how nice is that going to be? I have a question. Yeah, question. Do you already know what I'm going to ask? Yeah. And do you want to know what I found out? At least let me ask the question first.

Yep, yep. What currency were they charging you in? Keeping in mind the currency is always on the place you're departing from. So, how much was that US$000 US dollar won in Australian dollars? Well, so I realised after I'd paid. Like the credit card statement? Oh, yep. Yep.

That it was in USD. Yeah. Because then on. Yep. And that's for two people. So times two. Yeah. So it was about $12,000.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Are you shit? What the fuck? Did you get? Can you? So. What did you get?

No, can't cancel it. And the thing. And the thing is, is that if I. That's more than we get a month. Oh, mate. Mate. It's more money than anyone's got. The thing is, is that.

Can you trade it in on Facebook Marketplace? Can you get your money back? I'll pay for the name change. So, like, you know, I'm, like, freaking out because I'm, like, I've scored this great deal. Have you? Not realised that it was in US dollars. Obviously, it's, like, quadruple the fucking price that I saw

it on the website, right? I know this is not, like, a TV show that has, like, cutbacks. It's just a podcast. But this is where it would, like, cut back to you before like what a great deal i never get the deal yeah i'm never gonna deal um the thing is the unlucky streak continues so it's about twelve thousand dollars right can't read because i was like fuck i'm gonna have to email them and see if they but it's like you can't do that with like yeah anyway i'm like starting to panic because i've realized that i've accidentally spent all this fucking money and then i'm like how did my card not like i'm not being a dick but like i obviously don't

have twelve thousand dollars in my like everyday account card because i'm so scared of scams yeah so i never keep a lot of money on my, like, card account. I accidentally used the business card. Like, out the two of us? Yeah. Because it would have never gone through if it was on my... Are you joking? So, I've used the work credit card by accident. To book you and Torb for your sexy pre-moon.

I was going to say honeymoon. For your sexy. Just a holiday, basically. To fly home in, because you'd be so tired after lounging by the fucking pool for a week. That heaven forbid you sat in economy. Oh, we're going to have to sit up the front. Does the bed go all the way down? Yeah, it does.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm paying for that, am I? We? We are. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. We've gone halves.

Well, you're paying for yours and I'm paying for tours. So, thank you so much. No, no. No, no. No, no. No thank yous. No, fuck that. Fuck that right off. Yeah. Oh, well,. Fuck that write-off.

Yeah. Oh, well, Bridget and I are actually teaming up with Bridget Brands and we're flying to the fucking moon next year. And I accidentally used the work card. Yeah, they put on the work card, so sorry about that. Yeah. All right, so let's do what you love to see. This is also US-based. Maybe Tony can fly us all there.

Hang on, sorry. I hate to be a, like, fly in the ointment. Sorry. I'm so stressed about what just happened. I've actually got a, you'll have to see it. That's a little bit sad. Could I go first and then yours, that would round it out? Is that okay?

I hate to be bossy, but does that work for everybody? It doesn't sound like you hate to be bossy. It feels like you'd enjoy it. So I, fuck off. So I saw this, I saw this post on Facebook and somebody's posted this photo and the caption is, anyone know where this has come from? It has landed here at the pub. So there's a cold one at the bar for you.

Happy heavenly birthday, Paul. And there's a balloon that's landed like out the front of the pub and it's like a foil balloon and on the front, someone's handwritten like with a sharpie. Okay. And it says, happy birthday, Paul. Rest in peace. We're thinking of you. Oh.

Have a ghost beer on us. Oh, so they've just let it go. And they've let it go. And I know that we are anti-balloon releasing. I know it's really bad for the environment. Is it? Yes, it's very, very bad for the environment. You should see the comments on this post are like ripping them a new one. I know it's really bad for the environment. Is it? Yes, it's very, very bad for the environment.

You should see the comments on this post are like ripping them a new one. Can I tell you a story? Oh, yeah. So when I was in primary school. Yeah. We did a balloon release. 30 years ago though. For the environment.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. That's like fucking to get your virginity back. That's not going to help anyone. So we put seeds. That hymen is open. We put like plant seeds inside of a balloon and release them all with a note being like, if this lands in your property, plant the seed and save the environment.

Yeah. Little did we know we were destroying the whole planet. Probably killed a bunch of turtles. Yeah. So it's really bad for the environment and everyone's like, don't do them to commemorate people because it is so bad for the environment. However, these people have done that.

I can't control that. I didn't do it. I'm not promoting it. It sounds like you're pro in plastic. It sounds like you're promoting destroying the environment. I hate the environment. Yeah, it sounds like it. That's why I'm flying all over the place.

Yes. But the fact that they've written have a ghost beer on us and then someone said this has landed at the pub and like beers are on me. Happy heavenly birthday, Paul. Don't you love to see that? I do love to see that. I like...

Happy heavenly birthday, Paul. I have goosebumps now retelling the story, but I saw that and, like, shed a tear. Yeah. Because... For the environment. Yeah. Sorry.

The devil. Sorry. No, I saw that and just thought, what are the odds of that landing at a pub and someone being kind enough to read it and go, I'm going to share this and let people know. And anyway, it happened somewhere in England, I think. But anyway, a beautiful story. You'll love to see that.

You'll love to see that. You'll love to see the environment being ruined. Obviously not. Tarpa William. Tarpa William. Lives in Palm Springs. We're not going to Palm Springs, but there's something about Palm Springs that really gets me going. Me too.

And because Tony and I are nerds for like when we see like a sick house pop up on Instagram, we'll like DM each other. Yeah. I love the Palm Springs style of like a cactus and the white brick. But like, isn't it hot as fuck? Yeah, it's a desert. It's like 60 degrees Celsius like on a cold day. Yeah, it's fucked. Ugh.

What's that? Over 100 Fahrenheit daily. Insanity. So they've been having some like pretty crazy like dust storms and stuff. Yeah. Because did you see the thing about Burning Man? How it got like rained out? Yeah, it's fucked.

Yeah. Because did you see the thing about Burning Man? How it got like rained out? Yeah. So, Tarpa William lives in Palm Springs and he posted a video in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group, which is my area. Great. This is the kind of videos I love. They've had like some bad dust storms. So, he goes off. Check out the bottom of the pool. It's all the dust is like settled and hit to the bottom of the pool and whatever.'s all all the dust is like settled and hit to the bottom of the pool whatever and so he's filmed himself with the like the thing the creepy crawly so see how he's like vacuuming the bottom the pool vacuum cleaner oh my god oh so satisfying and then um he's like 30 minutes in see oh my god at least you can see where you've been yeah because it was so dark um

but he's like submitted these videos and he's like, oh, my love to see it is, like, you know, being doing this really. Because he's in the backyard going, oh, this is so satisfying. I love this. It's like when you see the high-pressure hose, like people gurneying their driveway. Say gurneying again. Yeah, gurneying.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, it is good gear. Yeah, you do love to see that. You love to see that. Oh, the bloody environment's really copped it today. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening. My love to see tomorrow, fossil fuels.

Oh, okay. Oh, you're starting now. She wrapped us up. All right. Anyway, have a great day, everyone. We'll chat to you soon. Bye. Meow. Meow.

Meow meow meow.