Toni and Ryan - A Life-Changing Phonecall

Episode Date: October 19, 2021

How to NOT act in a massage, a bad first date, and maybe a career change for little old me...? Love ya!!! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Hello, Amy speaking. Amy, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? I'm fabulous. How are you doing? I'm fabulous.

How are you guys? We are very well. I believe you're possibly not the only one in the family that listens to the podcast. Is that true? Oh, well, my partner sort of listens secondhand, so when I'm listening, he kind of has to. Oh, so he's like every partner who watches The Bachelor.

Yeah. Yep. Yes. 100%. What is it called when you, like, inhale other people's smoke? Secondhand smoke. Oh, okay. So exactly what Amy said.

Secondhand fan. Great. Secondhand fan. We'll take that on, actually. I'd wear that as a badge of honour. I'm not choosing to listen to Tony and Ryan, but I have to, and I'm a secondhand fan. Well, we'd like to say shout out to your partner, Wayne, and say happy birthday. Oh, happy birthday!

To the big W. If you're forced to listen to us, you may as well get a little shout out and a well wishes, so here you go. Very cute. But before we get started, Amy, are you able to give us some approval? 100% I will. Oh, thank you so much, Ames. What a legend. Thank you. No, you guys are the legends. I mean, mate, don't have to tell us twice.

Hey, this is Amy from Melbourne and I approve this podcast. Hi. Welcome. Welcome. I did it first today. I just thought we're a bit off the rails this week and I thought maybe let's mix it up, keep it fresh, keep it going. You just had a poo, I've had some water, we're good to go. In a toilet that flushed this time, which is good. You don't want me to talk about how you pooed just then?

It's just because I bought you a coffee this morning. This is a graphic intro. No, it's all good. Oh, too much. Maybe. No, I don't think it's too much. Yeah. Well, in a minute, I'm going to talk about sexy massages.

So, I mean, it started here. It can only go up. Well, I've heard that before. Also, someone has, I don't want to give away too much, but Tony, I've teamed up with someone from the Tony and Ryan podcast community. I don't like this. I've been texting you all week being like, oh,

your life's going to change. And when something that you don't know about happens, you don't like this. I've been texting you all week being like, oh, your life's going to change. And when something that you don't know about happens, you don't get excited. You get stressed. I actually regret hooking you through all week going. Because I just think about it. I can't think about anything else. Even if someone says like, no, it's a really good surprise. I'm just like, ah, tell me. I remember when we started working together, we had to like figure something out, like just really basic, you know,

where do I put this folder? Where do I upload this thing? I said to you in the morning, oh, can I catch up with you at two? And just that was the worst day of my life. Oh, you think it was the worst day of your life? I think that took about ten years off mine. What have I done? Am I in trouble?

What's going to happen? I thought you were going to fire me and it was just going to be the Rye podcast. The fact that I booked in a meeting four hours in advance just threw Tony off the rails. It did, and it ruined my whole day. Everyone my day dealing with your day being ruined. Oh, mate. All right. All right.

Sorry. Okay. But anyway, it won't be ruined, but I regret informing you that something fun will happen soon. Okay. We've had a few great first date stories being shared. We have. Around. It started with the person in the hearse who rocked up on a first date with a dead body in the back of the car.

That's a no from everyone involved. A hard no. We also had someone who pooped themselves in the spare seat of the car. They had somebody poop in their car. They tried to blame the dog. Then they ran across multiple states from Texas, out of town, gone. Woo, see ya. Last week they were stuck in a cave.

Who goes caving on a first date? I don't know. That makes me so anxious. And we had so many people in our group, which you can join at the links in our Instagram and TikToks, so many people in the group being like, why would you agree to that? And I totally agree. Now, here is a harrowing story about the first date that a lady in the UK went on with a male teacher.

So is this someone from our group that shared this? Okay. I'll leave her name out of it. Please. Because I reckon what he's done is illegal. No. I reckon it is. And if you're a teacher or if you know a teacher,

I'd love you to comment whether it's clearly one of the big red flags, but I actually think it's illegal. So it turns out this male teacher hadn't been on a date in a while and he was one of those, I don't want to say like friend-zoned, but all the female teachers were kind of like, oh, good for you, going on a date, you deserve it. But obviously, like, they would never date him. Yeah. Because he, I don't know.

I mean. Well, I think I know now, but they were like very encouraging and supportive and like, oh, you haven't been on a date in a few years. They might have just been good friends, like good job. Pumping up, going on a date. If you were not married, but if you were going on a date, I'd be like, mate, good for you. So one of the female teachers says, oh, have you planned like something fun?

Oh, yeah. And you went, oh, I haven't really planned anything. And they're like, oh, maybe like a little surprise might, you know, really like be great for the chemistry and exciting and impress her and whatever. Like a surprise, like a gift. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay. What is happening? So the date was going to happen at lunchtime, which is a weird time for a date on a Friday. That's not a good time to go on a date. That's why all the other teachers knew about it because he literally went during lunch break of school. That is so fucking weird. Oh, sorry, I've got to race off. We've got maths at 1.35. Yeah. A time limit on a date, I guess you could look at it as like

you've got a hard out. I like that. So you're kind of like, oh, I know that I've got an out if I want to leave. But also if you have to leave in the middle of it, you're like leave them wanting more, I guess. Yep, yep. But also if somebody rocks up and went, oh, well,

I've got to get back to teach 30 kids in a minute, so like could we wrap this up? I don't really care about where you grow up. Yeah, yeah. It's a strange scenario. Yeah. In the morning before the lunch date, the teacher got all the little kids in the class to draw a picture

and write a letter for the lady. So he's rocked up with 30 pieces of A4 paper. Yep. And they said on them, it was a picture of the two of them, and he used, wait for it, the photo from her Tinder bio he put on the screen in front of the class so they all knew what she looked like so they could draw pictures of her. So he's like, screen grabbed that, printed it out,

put it in front of the class on the screen. On the overhead projector. Yeah, so he's like, kids, this is what she looks like. Do a pretty little drawing because your favourite teacher is about to go on a date with this girl. We want to impress her. And they all used the language Mr and Mrs, his last name. So they were drawing like love pictures using his last name

as if they were already married. This is a first date from Tinder, by the way. They'd never met in person. It wasn't a friend of a friend. They matched on Tinder, you know, a couple of messages back and forth. Maybe we should catch up and have lunch, see what happens, blah, blah, blah. He rocks up and said, here is 30 pieces of paper drawn by all of my students of our wedding day and, you know, us sitting in a tree and K-I-S-S-I-N-G and all of the works.

But is that just a complete red flag no immediately? That is so weird. Right? But my thing is. And so inappropriate. What class is that? Is that art class? Is that drawing class?

Yeah. Is that math? Like surely if you get home, like your kid comes home and you go, what did you do at school today, little Timmy? Oh, my teacher had a date so I drew a picture of him and the girl from Tinder and did a little drawing and, you know, stick figures and then hopefully that helped him get laid. That's what I did this morning in class.

That is so fucking weird. Teachers, if you're listening, please comment on the – first of all, don't do that. Yeah. Second of all, is that – I want to know if that's actually legal. Could he actually lose his job for that? Probably not lose his, surely not lose his job, but it's pretty inappropriate.

Making these young children draw pictures of a Tinder date you have at lunchtime. What was in the curriculum for that day? Yeah, that's so, I'm actually a bit speechless, which does not happen a lot. It's real strange. It's real strange. It's real strange. That is so.

I just, yeah, what did the parents say? But also, how did she react? Imagine rocking up to this date. You go, oh, I met this guy on Tinder. We're just going to have lunch. He's going to go back to work afterwards. She probably had to go back to the office as well. I know how it ended.

Oh, so did she go back to her job as a paralegal? I don't know if that's what she actually does. But she goes back and they go, oh, my God, what was John like? Was he great? And she goes, well, here's a fucking bound book of our wedding day that he got a bunch of kids to draw. They're not even good drawers. We haven't even met before.

So she pre-planned, which I think is sort of normal, a phone call from one of the other people that she worked with. Oh, yeah, as exit strategy. Yeah. Yeah. And the exit was taken. So he was like, hey, how are you? Here's some cool drawings.

She's like, oh, that's great. And then she gets a call from the office and they're like, hey, how's it going? And she's like, they died? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It sounds like catastrophe. My apartment has been flooded.

My apartment's flooded and the office is on fire and the legal team is up in arms. Oh, my cat's up a tree. Oh, gosh. Grandma's died for the fifth time. Gasp. Auntie Norma's in a hearse. So she gapped it immediately.

Wouldn't you? And just went, I don't know what happened. I got out of there. That is so intense. When she goes, I need to leave immediately, whatever excuse she went with. Yeah. He was devastated and started crying and she had to console him.

Oh, now I feel bad for John. I don't. He deserved this. I feel bad for John. I don't. He deserved this. I feel bad that he was upset and he would have been really embarrassed. Because she said, I've got to go. He was like, what's going on? Yeah, my cat's on fire.

Yeah, and I think she was like, dude, this is weird. And he was just devastated and started crying at lunch. So she obviously was like, yeah, my cat's on fire, I've got to go. Sorry, mate. Like tap, tap, tap on the back, like all good. So did she take the pictures from the kids with her or did she leave? Is she like, I will take this? Would you take that?

No. I think the only reason you would is so that you could take the evidence and burn it and know that no one in their right mind would ever have to see that again. Or take the evidence because people aren't going to believe that that actually happened. I would love to say go to our Instagram now and look at the drawings of that. We don't have them.

We don't have them. So I don't even know how to follow that up. Is that a real story? Yeah. Someone message that through. It's in the group. So did they work with the guy? No, they were the date.

The person that's in our group had this happen to them? Yeah. Oh, I'm going to reply to that comment because that is fucked. I can't believe that happened to someone we know. Yep. Oh, my God. That poor thing. She's probably never been on another date again.

She probably deleted her Tinder profile. And the internet. I'm surprised she's back on there, to be honest. She probably rejoined just to listen to our podcast. If this is what's convincing you that the internet's a good place again, then you're in the wrong spot. I'm sorry about that. Well, let's follow up and see if we can get some more information.

I'll chase it up for next week. I'd love to know whether she took the pictures or whether she ever heard from him again because he seems like the kind of guy that's going to do a follow-up. He's not going to let you ghost him. He might have been so embarrassed that he just never followed up. Yeah, he would be embarrassed. And so he should be.

I can't believe that happened. Yeah, he would be embarrassed. And so he should be. I can't believe that happened. What a weird thing to do. Speaking of weird things to do, massages. Well, working from home, so it's COVID, blah, blah, blah, blah. Working from home, my setup at home is obviously not great. Yes. It's ad hoc.

You're just getting it done. Love that. Love the Yes. It's ad hoc. You're just getting it done. Love that. Love the use of the term ad hoc. Yeah, so I'm sitting in like a desk chair that's 10 years old and nothing's at the right height and stuff. Anyway, so I've been getting like a really sore pain near my shoulder, just like really, really uncomfortable sitting all day. Yeah.

I don't go for massages a lot. No? Why not? I can't get massages because I can't stay quiet. Well, first of all, I don't doubt that you can't stay quiet. Yeah, because I never shut up. You never shut the fuck up. But when you say you can't be quiet, what kind of sounds or are you talking

or is it sounds? It's sounds. What kind of sounds? Feels good sounds. When they're touching your? Like my back and stuff, not like in a happy ending situation. So they touch your back and you're like. I'm just like.

You know that like groan of like when someone really gets into a good spot during a massage. Oh, yeah. So all above board, nothing weird, but I actually just find it really, really tough going to a massage place because I have to hold it in. I feel like. Well, that's the opposite of why you're there. Exactly.

I feel like it actually makes me more tense. Because you're holding in your moans. Because I'm, like, laying there, like, greeting my teeth, trying not to go, like, when they touch you because it feels really good because normally you've got, like, a really bad knot and that's why you go. So why don't you just let it out? Because I feel really inappropriate and I feel like that's really not fair to the lovely man or woman who is performing the massage.

It puts them in like quite a disgusting and awkward position. So you described to me the type of massage place. Is it the one like in a shopping centre where there's maybe like a little curtain in between and there's four or five of them or are you in a private room in a fancy little sort of day spa kind of vibe? Split the difference. So not in a shopping centre, not a fancy like in Dota Spa or anything. But it's like a professional remedial massage. A professional place.

You go there and there's like one bed in one thing, one person, and there's a really, really good one in Richmond actually. Well, there's two really good ones in Richmond. One of them is called Nina Tyne. It's on Bridge Road, which I really, really like. The people there are great. Have you had a conversation with them about it? No, because I'm too socially anxious.

So if you were to say like, because like they're professionals, you go, hey, just to let you know. That's weird. I'm really sore and when I get a massage, it just really relieves a lot of tension and sometimes I moan. I just wanted to flag that because it might seem weird, but I just wanted to get out ahead of it and not let you get weirded out by it. I just wanted to flag that. I feel like that's inappropriate because-

Would you like me to call them in for you? No, absolutely not. I would love to. Absolutely not. They're actually closed at the moment because of COVID. Oh, of course. Yeah. Unfortunately we can't call them. Right. Let me write this down.

So it's been a real affliction of mine. And in my life, I've probably gone for five massages. So is this the reason you don't get massages because of this? This is the reason that I don't go. When was the moment where you moaned so loud you, like, almost decided, oh, I can't come back here again? No, I've actually never really done it because I'm so embarrassed but they're in my mouth. Like the moans are in my mouth.

And like if I've ever got a bad back or whatever and Torbs like rubs my back, like I cannot keep it in because I'm like, you're my boyfriend. You've like. You've seen worse. Exactly. You've heard worse. Done worse to me. You've heard worse.

Done worse to me. Anyway, so I just can't get massages. Anyway, so I've got this really bad back at the moment. Do you want me to give you a massage? No, that is so weird. If anyone's seen us on TikTok, I've also heard the worst things possible coming out of your face. So I feel like we've already crossed that line. But they're the kind of noises.

Should I come around now? Don't say come around. So anyway, anyway, so I've got a bit of a bad back from working from home and I found this life-changing thing. Ooh. Torb's bought me one of those massage wands. And it's not a vibrator is what I'm talking about. It sounds like.

I know. The word wand. Yeah, it's not a sex toy. It's not like a roller? No, no, no. So you know how at the moment on Instagram everyone's using those massage guns that like go tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk and they like. Sorry, how do they?

They go tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk-a-tuk and they like, so it's like a gun and then there's, like, a bit that, like, comes in and out like this. Can I tell you a story about that? Yeah. A massage gun, you put it in your arsehole. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

So I got a DM. Because, like you said, they're on Instagram everywhere. Oh, everyone's got one at the moment, yeah. I got a DM and it was, like, hey, would you like one of these massage guns in exchange for, like like a video about the massage gun? Yeah. And I think their angle is like people who work out and run, get those sore points in your leg if you go to the gym heaps. And they said, yep, we're looking for people with like, you know, a fitness and well-being following, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You're like, the only bloody cramps I'm getting is from like eating too much cheese. So I replied and said, hey, and it was clearly like a generic like, g'd blah, blah. You're like, the only bloody cramps I'm getting is from, like, eating too much cheese. So I replied and said, hey, and it was clearly, like, a generic, like, g'day, mate. Like, it didn't say my name in it. Oh, I love your content. Yeah. You know how they say that. Yeah, they said a hundred of them.

Yeah. And I said, hi, if you're looking for, like, a health and fitness and wellbeing following. I'm probably not your guy. I'm probably not the right guy. If you check out my content, you'll see why. And then they replied, go, oh, we have checked out your content. You're right. You're definitely not a health and fitness and right guy. If you check out my content, you'll see why. And then they reply, go, oh, we have checked out your content. You're right.

You're definitely not a health and fitness and nutrition guy. Oh, mate, sorry. That's a bit rude. But I will take the gun. And they said, no, that's fine. No, don't worry about it. We're actually, we found someone a bit better. So tell me about the wand.

Okay. So those guns, they've got the things. Are you aware of the hand gestures you're making at me right now? So. You look like you're. You know how it've got the things. Are you aware of the hand gestures you're making at me right now? So. You look like you're. You know how it's got the bit and it like protrudes. So it's like it goes in and out. The massage wand that Torb's bought me, it doesn't do that.

It's like, oh, it's so hard to describe and this is a podcast so I'm going to do my best. It's like a bit like of a teardrop shape. So it's got like a handle and then the top of it is wider and it's got like nodules that you can change. Are you sure you're not describing? It's not a vibrator, okay? I promise you.

It's like this big. Whoa. It's huge. We got it on Amazon. It's like it's a proper massage thing. Anyway, but it's designed for you to do your own back and you can change all the heads on it and you can hold it in a certain spot.

Is it easy to do? Yeah, it is because it's quite long. So it's like a big handle and it's cordless. So you just pop it on charge and then you can grab it and put it on your back. And I can moan to my heart's content because I'm in my own house. You are in an apartment.

Well, yes. And we know that people who listen to this podcast are in the apartments next to you and so this is what I'm imagining. They're hearing this. And me going. That's the spot. Yeah. Relieve me. Yeah. Not the last one obviously um sorry ah anyway so

what i was gonna say we've obviously gone off track but i finally found a solution to my problem and now i'm not making anybody else awkward i can do it in the comfort of my own home. And if you too are a massage moaner, buy one of these things because I feel so empowered now. You look empowered. I've wasted so much time not getting massages because I was too scared of the lovely people who are doing their jobs and me being like. You've cost them a job though. Sorry, I just choked on my own saliva.

No, I haven't. Well, they have just lost a customer. Is it your job to put them out of business? Who will be moaning them? Their bank manager. When have you ever gotten a call from your bank manager? You haven't paid rent. What?

I would have paid rent, but Tony stopped coming in because she's a moaner. What if I bought you a gift card? Thank you. I'll do that. Thank you. Then everyone's a winner. Everyone's a winner. Well, actually, except for me because I bought the wand and now I'm paying for it.

Everyone's a winner. You're going to go in there and you're going to moan. I am. One time I fell asleep and they pushed down on my back and I just, like, breathed out, like. Because I couldn't, like, hold. Yeah, because you. But that's what was happening.

I was so tense. I fell asleep in a couple's massage. Me and Bridget, like, bought this thing and I fell asleep. That's sexy. Hang on. Yeah. A couple's massage? There's two separate tables in the room. No, no, but that's. And there was, like, a little spa in asleep. That's sexy. Hang on. Yeah. A couple's massage? There's two separate tables in a room.

No, no, but that's... And there was like a little spa in there. We had champagne. That's pretty sexy, isn't it? Well, it was sexy until I fell asleep and then Bridget and the two masseuses were laughing, all three of them, at me lying on the table being like... Oh, my God, how embarrassing.

Yeah, and they couldn't... And Bridget was like, I wanted to, like, push your mouth shut because they were giving you, like, a facial treatment and you had all this cream on your face and you were, like, blowing bubbles through the thing. Oh, my God, that is so funny. They would... Happy anniversary.

See, they would get that a lot, right? People would fall asleep, but people would moan a lot. Maybe it's not that weird. If you're a massage therapist... Send the a lot. Maybe it's not that weird. If you're a massage therapist. Send the massage gun back. It's not that weird. I reckon if you're a massage therapist, let us know if you find it really weird if people let out a bit of a sexy noise. But maybe it's not sexy.

It's just a noise. It sounds like a sexy noise, though, because it's just that, like, it just feels so good. And it doesn't feel good in a sex way, but it just feels so satisfying. All right, so if you're a masseuse, a physio. Or a facialist. Yep. What's the other one?

A chiropractor. Mate, we're fucking right there. We are right there. I meant chiropractor. Mate, we're fucking right there. We are right there. I meant chiropractor, yeah. If you are a person who touches a person for a living, is it weird? Or maybe it's just a compliment or maybe it's just such a non-issue that it's not even worth thinking about. Let us know in the episode thread because I'm curious.

Has Tony been dodging masseuses for five years for no reason? Because you know how, like, if you go and get a pap smear or you have to i don't know no but if you needed to go and you know have something looked at you needed to get your prostate checked and you're like oh should i shave my bum first or whatever or when you get a pap smear like oh i better go and get a wax beforehand they just look at so many butts so many vaginas they don't give a No. So is the massage the same that when I go, oh, they don't care? They're just like, oh, great. Like, is it like when you eat?

It's like a compliment. Yeah, when you're eating and you're just like, oh, my God, this is amazing. They're just like, oh, fuck yeah. Compliments to the chef. They like that. Yeah. I want to know.

Okay, we'll find out. And next week we will either have free massage guns to give away. We're not sporty enough, mate. Oh, sorry, my mistake. I figured I said anything. Hey, it's Amy from Melbourne, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Next week on the show, we're going to do a story about grooming injuries. I'm going to put a post in the Tony and Ryan podcast group.

Uh-huh. Injuries or mishaps from waxing. Injuries and mishaps from shaving. Maybe you're someone who works in that industry who's seen some things go wrong. Yeah. Maybe it was you trying to do it from home because I know there's a lot of, you know, DIY products you can buy in the supermarket to whoosh.

Yeah. Grooming mishaps is the overall umbrella term. Okay. Only like pubic or any type? Are you specifically talking a pubic hair type situation? I would say any kind of hair removal. Okay, great. You decide what you think is right.

But there is a post in the group called Grooming Mishaps. I'll share my favourite ones and another story next week on the podcast. Ooh. And a quick shout-out to our champion tarpers, Kristen Page, Lexi Whitlark, Lisa Govia, my ADS, Martin, Maximilian Linker. What a fantastic name. My cousin's a Maximilian. How good is it?

That's your cousin? No, no, my also named Maximilian. Oh, mate. But everyone assumes it's Maxwell and Maximilians are so much like chefs. Oh, yeah, it's a real, no, also named Maximilian. Oh, mate. But everyone assumes it's Maxwell, and Maximilians are so much like chef's kids. Oh, yeah, it's a real like Curl of the Mow kind of name, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's such a good name. Monique DeRocha, Nathan Fairclough, thank you so much.

Nicholas Myers, Nikki Ligon, Paloma Alassaf, Patrick Loftus, Rachel Evans, Rhys Wooten, big Rhys. The big Woot. Cheers, mate, the big Woot. Robin Parmenter, thank you so much. Rodney Stickles Palmer, Sean Van Gorder. There's really a lot of champion tapas, which is incredible. But sorry, hang on, still going.

Stacey Nansen, thank you so much. Talia Reyes, Thomas Anand, Zach Nemich, Zach Smith. I'm literally clicking on the next page. There's so many. All the champion tapas. Oh, that's all the champion tapas on the next page. There's so many. All the champion tapas. Oh, that's all the champion tapas. Okay, great. Thank you so much.

Everyone mentioned is a champion tapa and we'll also be getting a personalized video because they've signed up at patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan. Please do not subscribe though, because for every subscriber, we're going to eat a chicken nugget in one sitting. We're currently 435 or something. Yep. That's too many nuggets already. That's going to happen a chicken nugget in one sitting. We're currently at the time of- 435 or something. Yep, that's too many nuggets already. That's going to happen in a few weeks. So please do not subscribe. We cannot eat anymore.

And the videos are coming. We're just working on some technical difficulties of how to send the videos. They'll be out. They're coming. They're coming. They're coming. But don't think we've forgotten about you because we absolutely haven't. Tony?

That's my name. Don't wear it out. You're about to get worn out. Are we doing more pick-up lines? We need to make a phone call. Now, this person is, like, in transit. Like, they're in an airport between flights. Okay.

The time zones and trying to organise stuff. It's a pilot. It's not a pilot. Okay. But let's just put this call through.. It's not a pilot. Okay. But let's just put this call through. I'll explain all with them. The massage.

All right, here we go. Hello? Hello, Paige. Yeah. Hey, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you guys? Good.

Now, I've told Tony, well, nothing really about why we're calling, but I have told her that you're in between flights, so we need to be quick. So is that correct? It is, yes. Oh, my God. What is going on? So, okay, Tony, we need to say congratulations to Paige.

Congratulations, Paige. And, Paige. And, Paige, why are we saying congratulations? Well, because I'm getting married, I'm assuming. You're getting married. Congratulations, yes. Congratulations, Paige. I think Tony is starting to, her mind is racing. So, Paige, you messaged me during the week about a business opportunity, didn't you? I did.

So just to fill everyone in, we are on Patreon. For $4 a month you can support us and for $10 you can get exclusive episodes. And as a joke, we put a tier that said Tony will learn and be registered to be a marriage celebrant. And Paige, who would you like to administer your wedding? Well, the opportunity arose and I said, I don't know if they're joking or not, but let's get Tony out here to officiate my wedding. And where do you live?

I live in the United States. I'm just north of Philadelphia. And we've got two years until the wedding. Where are you planning on having the big day? It is about an hour from where I live, tucked in the mountains. It's going to be like, I don't want to say a woodland ceremony, but it's like nestled back. Yeah, it's going to be in October in the middle of the woods with the streets running behind and everything like that

and the leaves are changing and it's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. So Tony is not yet registered and it takes about 12 months, but the wedding's not for two years, is it? Correct. So not next October, the October after. Correct, 2023. So Paige asked me, she said,

obviously the Patreon is set up as like a monthly thing, surely. Yes. I maybe don't want to pay $1,000 a month. Yeah. You want to pay $2,000 a month. But I said to Paige, we'll work out what is, you know, normal and we'll figure something out. But, Paige, if you're willing to make a note in your diary,

Tony, would you be willing to give a tentative yes to administer Paige's wedding? I'd love to. I would love to. Obviously, I would love to. Paige, would you love Tony to be there on the day? I absolutely would. I'm waiting for the butt because she sounds hesitant,

and I don't like hesitancy. No. I need you to just grab the bull by the horns, Tony, and say yes. She needs a confident performer on her big day to get the job done. Can I bring Ryan with me as well? Not to do it. Absolutely. I mean, I'll be there, but it's like we're not co-hosting the wedding ceremony.

Well, I mean, I feel like... Ryan's going to be the DJ. RJ DJ. I feel like there might be some legalities around it being international, but we can figure it out. We've got two years to figure it out. I have already thought about this, Tony. Paige?

I've already thought about it. I happen to have a friend who is legally, like, ordained in the States to perform weddings, but I want them to be there for my big day and not have to miss out on any of the stuff because they have to participate and do all these things and things like that. I actually agree with that.

Some of my friends ask me to administer their wedding, and then after a chat they're like, oh, actually, we prefer you to enjoy the day. Yeah, yep. So I think with Paige's friend will be there enjoying the day. They can sign the paperwork. And they can figure out. We've got two years to figure out the paperwork.

Two years. Paige, fuck it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Do it. Yes. This is the energy I love. Yes. Let's do it. Oh, my it. Do it. Yes. This is the energy I love. Yes.

Let's do it. Oh, my God. I'm going to have to save up. Me too. Well, let's lock that in. We'll obviously chat off air. Hopefully. Oh, what do you mean?

It's all good to go. Hopefully. Nothing to chat about, mate. Tony and I have to do this podcast for two years now. Yeah, we've got a commitment. That's secretly my real motivation behind this was, how do I guarantee that I will be entertained for at least the next two years?

All right, well, in October, Tony and I will be in Pennsylvania. If anyone else is getting married around there, since we're in the area, now you know. Chugger on. Yep, if anyone's, you know, maybe you're 28 years old and you're probably going to have a 30th around that time, we'll come to your party. Oh, yeah, we can do that, definitely.

We'll be in the area. But, Paige, again, congratulations. Oh, that's the most exciting part. That's the most important part. But, Paige, I know that you are in between flights, in between Las Vegas and Pennsylvania at the moment. Oh, must be nice. Must be nice.

But we will be in touch with our operations itinerary guide. That's Tony on Gmail. And we'll figure out the details. But let's lock it in. Tony will be administering your wedding. Congratulations. Well, thank you. I am very excited about this.

Oh, well. Did you expect this, Tony Lodge? No, I really didn't. That is 100% real surprise in my voice. But, Paige, we're going to fucking blow this. It's going to be awesome. I'm all for it. Let's do it.

We can do it, man. The hen's night as well. We'll be there. Oh, my God, so many penis straws. Yeah, I know. All right, Paige, go and get that flight and we'll chat soon, okay? Awesome. Thank you so much.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Now, when I told you the other day that I was like, I've got something for you, what did you think I was talking about? I had no idea. I thought maybe Lorde was going to be on the phone. Sorry to disappoint you. Yeah, that hasn't disappointed me, but I'm a bit stressed in the best way.

Stressed in the best way. Why are you stressed, Toni? Oh, because I have to study. You've got two years. I've got two years. Oh, pierce it in the best way. Stressed in the best way. Why are you stressed, Tony? Oh, because I have to study. You've got two years. I've got two years. Oh, pierce it in. Two years. Imagine if it came down to like you're going into,

I'm assuming, some sort of exam and it's like if you don't pass, we don't travel and Paige can't get married. Oh, my God. That's so much pressure. Two years. Two years. It takes about 12 months in Australia, right? I think, I hope it's not longer than that.

Well, if you just, yeah, start in January, we'll knock it out by the end of next year. Should I start now? Oh, yeah, get into it. Yeah, don't wait. All right. Well, I've got to go then. You got a passport?

I literally just renewed mine. Oh, you did too, yeah. Yep. Lucky. Oh, you did too, yeah. Yep. Lucky. Yeah, super lucky. If it's in October, which it is. If. We can then, in November, go to New Orleans for Thanksgiving

and hang out with my birth family. With your family. Yep. Wow, how exciting. Can this be my love to see it? Because I am so excited. We've got a lot of study to do. I'm really nervous and I feel really bad that Paige is, not bad, but Paige is trusting me.

Imagine ruining someone else's wedding. Don't. You'd hate to stuff it up. I'll be there. I'll make sure it doesn't happen. Oh, no. I really don't want to stuff up somebody's wedding. Yeah.

Oh, my God. No, I'm really nervous. Well, you've only got two years, then it's all over. Mate, I don't like it when you ask me to meet with you an hour later. That's the worst hour of my life. This two years is going to go very slowly. The day after the wedding, 10am, can we have a chat? Mate.

A proper, a serious chat. Mate, don't. Don't. I hate this. You know something, are you good? Oh, I serious chat. Mate, don't. Don't. I hate this. You know something? Are you good? Oh, I just, thank you, Paige. I'm really excited.

I don't want you to think. You sound excited. I don't want you to think I'm not excited. I'm just nervous. I just want to do a good job. We've got two years to prep, get some registration, do your study. Oh, we could do a practice one and you could, like, renew Bridget and I's vows.

Well, my friend Jane is a marriage celebrant and she had to fake marry like everybody on our team on Jason PJ. She would marry all of us separately in different things to do like little practices. Who would have guessed the person nicknamed the narc would be all into love? Yeah. I know. Very surprising. You know what I love to see?

What? I've been spending a few days with my mum because of the plumbing at our house. We can't live in our house at the moment. Yeah, because you did a huge poo. No, because the earthquake broke the pipes. Some type of earthquake. And I had to re-dig up the decking and find

where the pipe connected to the rest. It was a whole thing. Because of your poo, there's a problem in your backyard. Wait. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Standby. Mum's got an air fryer. So good. I've never used one or had one before.

Oh, they're great. Did you know me? AirPods, smart TVs, DVD players, too modern. DVD players? What the fuck? Too modern for me. Mate. But even if it's not a meal in the air fryer,

we got something the other day and she was like, oh, I'll just heat it up. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, oh, you know, we had something. We got a dessert, a little fancy dessert. Oh, okay. And she's like, I'll just heat it up. Life changing, eh?

It really is. So good. And you can get them so cheap as well. Life is so good back at Mum's. I'm considering going back to the house and taking another poop. And really fucking up the plumbing. Yeah, really doing good this time. Some home-cooked meals.

That's very sweet. It really is. Thank you to everyone who's been listening. Next week, a Halloween special. Yes. So instead of three episodes, there's going to be an extra episode. Halloween special. You got your dress up ready?

Yep. You love to say it. You love to say that. Dress up, dress down, whichever way you want. All right. Chat to you next week. Love you. Bye.