Toni and Ryan - A Prop Heavy Episode

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

Lots of props, actually. Ryan is happy about the props. LOVE YOU! Toni xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. I'm the vice captain of the ship. This is Dr. Arthur Tony Lodge, and we are calling the motherland. New Zealand. This is Morgan, who is in Wellington. I've been to Wellington, the windy city. The windy city. How was it? Quite still, actually. Hello, Paul speaking. Morgan! It's Tony and Ryan. How you doing? quite still, actually.

Hello, Paul speaking. Morgan! Morgan! It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Oh, hi. How are you? It came up as Belfer. Really?

To the Accords on the UK. Yeah. I was like, that sounds about dope. I was about to say, were you screening us? Were you waiting for a better offer? Oh, you know, well, I don't know any Irish podcasters. What do you mean, Morgan? Top of the Morgan to you.

We're the top of the podcast, Morgan. Top of the Morgan to you. Oh, that was quite funny. Your accent was too thick, Tony, for us to hear the pun. Yeah, it was quite realistic as well. Yeah, I agree. Well, Morgan, will you approve your favourite Irish podcast, Tony and Ryan?

Oh, 100%. 100%. We went from being screened to 100%. That's pretty good odds, I think. That is good. That is good. Hi, my name's Morgan. I'm from Wellington, New Zealand, and I approve this podcast.

Yeah. I'm from Wellington, New Zealand, and I approve this podcast. All right, happy new year coming up today. I've got a question about something we all do every single day. And at 30 years old, I didn't think I would have to question myself. Are you going to stop brushing your teeth? Stop. Nah, similar areas though. You're off water.

Nah, you would never. Thank you for saying that. You would never. Yeah, I do like water. You're a water girl. You're wet for life. I am a water girl. Always hydrated. But something as every day as.

Yes. And multiple times a day. You no longer pooing? Certainly not today. No. Spoiler alert. It's the green juice. Yeah.

I'm actually so. So I've been. It is now. Extremely regular. What's the date today? The 24th. The 24th. Producer Phoebe just said. I have had a green juice or green smoothie every single morning of the new year.

So how many have you had in a row? 24. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. But so I'm having all these extra greens and I'm actually eating breakfast, but. Is the greens the breakfast? Well, yeah.

So I've put, well, does that not count as breakfast? No, that's all that's going in there. So it's like spinach, half a banana, almonds, some chia, shot of coffee. I tell you. Really good. Recommendation. Recommendation. Hemp seeds.

They're real good for you. I may just add a little bit of. What do they do? Like. Full of They're real good for you. I may just add a little bit of. What do they do? It's full of protein. Oh, sure. Well, that's why I started adding like. Maybe it hasn't been a wheat bix. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's why I started adding almonds because I read somewhere that it's like, oh, you should have like a bit of fat in the morning, not just like spike your sugar or whatever. So that's why I started adding that. With the hemp seeds, if I like later in the day have like a yogurt and some fruit. Yeah, top it up with that. I'll sprinkle it on seeds, if I later in the day have a yogurt and some fruit, I'll sprinkle it on just so it's got some crunch in it.

Yeah. I do that with chia seeds sometimes. Buckwheat, little buckies. Oh, little buckies. Buck, yeah. Buck, yeah. Anyway. Actually, speaking of being in the kitchen.

Yep. What are you banned from using in your house? Tarpers, thank you very much for sending yours through. There's some fucking doozies on the way, but I'm banned from using the good pan at my house. So then last Monday when we were doing breakfast at Tonafy's, I thought, oh, I'm not allowed to use the pan at my house. What a great opportunity to pan up. And actually just before, so I made scones in the oven and you said, and we actually had a bit of a brainstorm without you,

me and the team. And we said, oh, well like Ryan is gluten free. So what should we get for him? And we bought like a shaker pancake of gluten free pancakes. And so you said, I'll take the pancakes. And I said, hang on. I don't have a nonstick pan. Is what the record can show.

We actually have the video of that. Not a problem. And I said, we don't have a nonstick pan. And you said, no, no, no, I got this. I said, I actually know for a fact that Bridget has banned you from using stainless steel pans. Just bring the heat, bring the oil, all good. And you actually have the same brand of pans at your house

because Bridget and I have talked about that. Oh, my God, same pans. Like, we're just girl stuff. Yeah. And anyway. Having fun. You fucked it right up. Yeah.

I have a photo here and I just want to remind you of how bad it was. Yeah, it's pretty fucked. And the pancakes taste. How did it whack up on the side? Because you burnt all the oil to the thing and it just like flashed up and like fucked it. The other thing that happened was that the pancakes tasted like cigarette butts and I don't know how you did that.

How do you know that's what they taste like? Because when I was a kid, we were camping once. My mum used to smoke when I was younger and I wasn't allowed soft drink as a kid. Sorry everyone, this story is fucked. Yeah, it is fucked. And I feel like I'm doxing my mum a little bit and being like- Oh, you can't defame a dead person, so. That is completely untrue.

I think you absolutely could defame a dead person. No, you can't. It's still their character is in question. Oh, but they can't, like, nah, they have to, yeah. No, like, you can still speak in it. Maybe they can't say anything. It's still, like, you shouldn't talk about, don't speak ill of the dead, you know?

Yeah. Anyway, the thing is, is that, yeah. She's not going to sue you is what I'm saying. No, no, she's not going to sue. I more mean, like, please don't think differently of my mum because this is that, yeah. She's not going to sue you is what I'm saying. No, no, she's not going to sue you. I more mean like please don't think differently of my mum because this was just, anyway. I wasn't allowed soft drink and we were camping and my mum had been ushing her cigarettes

and I think like my older sisters smoked as well and they'd been up like playing cards and stuff, whatever. Anyway, and they were all ashing into a can of Solo and it had like a little bit left in the bottom. And because they'd all been up really late, I woke up early because I was like, oh, like walk down to the beach with, you know, like go down for a surf, whatever.

And anyway, I woke up, there was a Solo on the table. And, you know, when you like pick up a can and it's got like a little bit in the bottom and you kind of go, you give it a little shake and you can hear the little bit in the bottom and i went oh there's solo in here like i'm not really allowed soft drink and um i took a big swig and then it was full of cigarette butts and ash and the war like the water that was it wasn't even solo but the water that was in there was to like weigh it down so that it didn't like fall over. So it wasn't even solo. It wasn't even solo.

It was just like. I don't even know if that makes it worse or better. Yeah, no. I don't know. But anyway, and then I had like a fucking mouthful of ash and sticky butts. And then 25 years later you ate a pancake that I cooked and you went, this tastes familiar. Literally.

That's exactly what it tasted like. And it was so disgusting. And so I'm like coughing and sputtering like throw it was so fucking gross i don't think anyone doubts it but it was like as bad as you think it was it was 20 times worse than that like it was so disgusting i reckon everybody well not everybody but i reckon a lot of people have probably done this like on a night out like people have been ashing in a can and then picked up the wrong drink or whatever. It is so foul. And I like threw up and my mum was like, what's wrong?

And then she saw and she was like, oh, Tony. Like, no, that wasn't. Yeah. I probably got in trouble for drinking a soft drink as well. Like she was probably like, oh, well, you know, you're not allowed a soft drink. I was like, oh. Victim blaming.

Victim blaming, yeah. Classy. Anyway. So am I banned from pans at your house? Absolutely. And I think that maybe you actually need to re-fucking purchase me a new pan. No, that's fair. And when I got home afterwards, usually Bridget's like, how was your day?

Actually, this is how it went. How was your day? And I go, yeah. And she goes, yo, Tony, a pan. I text Bridget and I was like, I see why he's banned from pens at your house and she went, what a fucking idiot is what she said and I really appreciate that. Doesn't sound like my wife.

You know in grade five you get your pen licence? Yep. I feel like I need to get my pen licence because I'm just out of form. Licence to grill. Righto, George Foreman Calm down mate Knocks the fat right out I needed some support From the Tony and Ryan podcasters

The Tarvers Because I'm like Surely I felt dumb Because I'm banned From using things in the house And I'm like Surely other people

Have been banned as well Yeah And how many fucking comments On that post Turns out I'm not the only guy Living on DCI in this group. Trevor Scott. Hi, Trevor Scott.

I'm banned from hanging things on walls because of my, according to my wife, planless, measureless, trial and error attitude. I'll look at the wall and go, yeah, about there. Knock the nail in, hang it up, and then I'll step back and have a look. And if it feels right, then it's right. And if she goes, oh, no, a bit more to the left, I'll pull the nail out, bang another hole through a little bit to the left just until I get it right. We'll get there eventually.

I understand the ban because I actually did that in the office. Do you remember when the two pieces of art that are up behind me, they're like just. Yeah, they're not quite this. But it's not enough to be like, oh, it's a jaunty angle. It's like, oh, you want that one to be a little bit lower? And when Phoebe joined our team only a couple of weeks ago, she goes, oh, like who put that up?

And I was like, me. Fuck. I was like, don't mention the war, mate. Fuck. Is it just me or is that one a little bit? Don't fucking. Fuck off. Say a word.

So I think that might be me as well. Ellie says, I'm not allowed to hold the popcorn when we go to the cinema. And Ellie might be my wife, Ellie says, I'm not allowed to hold the popcorn when we go to the cinema. And Ellie might be my wife, Bridget, because the last time we went to the movies, I'm a big James Bond fan. Like I like watching the old back catalog. There's something about the history of Bond and whatever. Sure. So we get invited to like the premiere. Fancy girls.

And a lot of like, well, a lot of actual fancy girl, like influencer types. And then there's a lot of like, this is just like a throwaway, I would say like Hugo Boss GQ magazine type guys, because it's a Bond night, they're in their tuxedos and everyone's like looking great. And here comes Bridget Butterfingers, rolls in with two large popcorns and they're kind of like offering popcorn. And of course all the thin girls are going, no, thank you.

Well, that's the thing. At those premieres, like they've just got it lined up and you just can actually, like it's dangerous, but you can just get however many you want. Because most of the hot girls aren't, they don't do carbs. No, but also it's just like. Free. It's on the table. Yeah.

And they often have like little bottles of Coke and stuff. It's so cool. So everyone's lining up on the red carpet to get their photo taken. Bridget's holding nine buckets of popcorn. And then she gets in and because she's also wearing like a longer dress, as she goes to sit into the seat of the cinema, I think the heel gets like clips the bottom of the dress because it's a full length kind of gown.

A gown. And so she like fell back into the seat quite aggressively and as she fell back, the popcorn just went up. Just like that classic, like in a scary movie, like, oh, and like you throw it all over yourself. And I know we were talking about being on the plane the other day, how like an aisle seat, similar in movies, I get claustrophobic and whatever in the middle.

So I like to be like near the edge. And so everyone who was sitting in the middle had to like walk through. The popcorn. Yeah. Oh no. Oh, excuse me. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, excuse me. Oh. Oh.

Oh. For a different reason, I'm banned from like holding the drink in the cinema. Yeah, and you're also banned from coffee in the bed. I'm not allowed to have coffee in the bed. That's right because I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything in the bed. But I'm not allowed to hold the drink at the cinemas because I drink the whole thing. Because I love Postmates. It's so nummies.

And then so I sit there and I just go. And I suck up the whole thing and then Toots goes. Oh. And, you know, it's like you only need a drink in the cinema when the kernel's stuck at the back of your throat. I think as cute as it is, I think you guys need separate drinks. We do. Yeah. And that's what we've learned.

Yeah. Tamika. Hi. Tamika. Hi, Tamika. My husband has banned me from Pinterest because every time I go on, I end up with some elaborate plan and sketches for home improvements, which I can neither do or afford. Oh, love that. Yeah.

Pinterest is scary. It'll get you. It does get you. And you kind of look at it and you go, wouldn't it be too hard to knock that wall out? And then you go, we rent. Like, we cannot do that. It's not my house.

Yeah. Ro Lacey Richo. Ro Lacey Richo, my best friend. I'm banned from using cling wrap because I just can't do it. How do you get it off in one big clean sheet? I actually, that it is hard. And if there's a bit of a breeze, done for. See you later.

It gets all clingy and stuck in my hand and screwed up. And once I went through a whole roll trying to get one sheet and failed and my partner said no more. That is it. You're banned from Clingerath in the house. That's good. Now you say if there's as little as a light breeze, you struggle? Yeah, because, you know, like if it touches itself, done for.

It's like what the church says. That's funny. All right. We've got a full table of shit. Yeah. We've got a fan on, which some might accuse of being a light breeze. Oh, it's on high as well, the fan. Tony Klingrath Lodge.

I actually think I'll be able to do a better clingwrap job than you could. Why? I reckon. Why? No, I reckon I could. All right, I'll clingwrap my laptop. No, I just want a clean sheet. Oh, okay.

Actually, no clean sheet down onto the laptop. No, no, no. All right, clean sheet. It's easier. It's easier to. Keep your microphone in front of you. Sorry, I was trying not to. Don't give me excuses.

It's easier to cling onto something, isn't it? You've got to cling off a clean sheet and then put it down on the laptop. Okay. All right. Ready? Oh, no. Oh, no. You'll fuck this right up.

You'll fuck this right up. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't even do it well. Oh, hang on. Oh, no. Oh. Ta-da! I'll give that a six or seven out of ten.

Oh, now you've... No, it was better before. You tried to fight... Oh! No, five out of ten. Five out of ten. All right, let me see. That is not good.

Oh, okay, you're unrolling. Oh, no. Oh, good. Oh, no, the breeze has got you. It's the fucking breeze. The fan. I told you a slight breeze. You're done.

You try and put Glad Wrap, use Glad Wrap while you're camping. See ya. Oh, no. I can't even throw it away. It's really clinging. I hate it here. Not good. Not good.

Clung wrap. You got another one? I think that'll do us. I think that'll do us. I think that'll do us. Hi, it's Morgan, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Yeah. A massive shout-out and a few champion tapas. That is not what I normally say say and I fucked that right up.

The right words. Yeah, it was a bit of a jumble. It's the cling wrap thrown at us. It's the cling wrap has fucking clinged me brain to itself. The corners of my brain are all wrapped up in each other. Cassidy Potter. Harley Noah. Cassidy Potter.

Harry Potter. Sophia Castro. Good on you, Harry Potter. Sophia Castro. Good on you, Sophia. Chloe and Summer. Which one? Bradley. We have to move on. We have to move on.

Chloe and Summer, we'll see you after class. Bradley and Jordan Alexander. Thank you very much. Thank you very much, guys. I just said Alexander. I normally say Alexander. Do you say garage or garage? I say garage. Do you say garage or garage? I say garage.

Do you say dance or dance? I say dance. Dance. No, I would never say dance. Chance, chance. I feel like that's a weird one. Chance. I would say chance. Yeah. Distance. Distance. Can someone write down for later in the week, I want to talk about Victorians talking like fuckheads

and by Victoriansians I mean me. Oh, yeah. We'll get to that later. Yeah. That's just a reminder. Someone write that down. Finally fucking Phoebe's doing something. Yeah.

You know what I mean? No, just kidding, Phoebe. Anyway, so I mentioned before that there's something that we all, well, most people I would assume, use daily. Underwear. Close, good areas. That I didn't think I would need any help with, but it turns out that I don't know whether I'm the outlier here

or whether I need to fucking check myself because I'm wrecking myself. So in the house, my house, at my home, which you've been to, you know how there's like the living dining area? Yeah. Then there's like a little door which goes like into our laundry. Yep. And it's like long. It's like.

Yeah, it's like a. You kind of walk in and it's like a long room. It's like narrow. What do you call those kitchens that are like, like a galley kitchen? It's like a galley laundry. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like not huge, but it's like a long room. It's like narrow. What do you call those kitchens that are like a galley kitchen? It's like a galley laundry. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like not huge, but it's just like you can walk through it.

And then at one end of the laundry there's a toilet. Yep. And it's just a powder room. A little powder room. And then at the other end is like just a window. It's not a back door. Yeah. It's a window.

Yeah. But there's a doggy door. Yeah. In there. What's Pippa's door? Pippa's special door. Yeah. Yeah.

And so because we haven't lived there for very long, Pippa is quite good actually at her special door, but the people who owned it before, so the doggy door was already there. We didn't put it in. And the people obviously that lived there before or whoever put it in there had a bigger dog because it's actually quite high. And when we saw it, we were like, great. And then we got there and we were like,

there's no way that her little like fun-sized Mars bar legs can get over that thing. They really are fun-sized Mars bar legs. I've never heard you say that before. Me either. But that's what they're just like a little tiny Milky Way. Think of a regular Mars bar, that's two legs. Yeah. Half those. Break it regular Mars bar. That's two legs. Yeah.

Half those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Break it in half. She's got two. Anyway, yeah, there was a fucking shortage of legs, so she just got. Called Mars. Yeah, so she just got little ones. Anyway, because she's, like, learning how to use it and we had to put little steps in,

the door is, like, open, like, you know how a doggie door, like they push the flap. She doesn't. It's just like open. Yeah. And because she's got a flat face, where dogs would normally push with like their snout, her whole face goes into the door. So I think it's actually quite painful for her.

Imagine if you had to open your eyes with your, sorry, open a door with your eyes. Yeah. And that's kind of like her eyes are further out than her nose is. So it's like the goo of her eyes sticks to the door. Like it's like not very nice. So you've wedged it open so she can just hop through. So I've just like strung it open, but it's open all the time. It looks like mousetrap, the way you've strung it up. It looks like people's going to come in and eat the cheese.

Yeah, it actually does. And then you've got to drop down and get it. But it's like her eco mousetrap so she doesn't die, but she just gets trapped. Ethically. Ethically. What did I say? That sounded right.

I can't remember. Anyway, so because her door is like always open and we've had some crazy weather recently. Like I think you even mentioned the other day, it's been like hectic wind. Like the SAS have been bloody out and about. There's like trees falling down and stuff. Floods and shit.

And so we've had this crazy weather and it was absolutely blowing a gale outside. So we put all of our outdoor furniture into the, like it was that bad that all of the outdoor furniture was in the shed. Oh, okay. Yep. But we closed up all the house, like all of the windows were closed and everything. My favourite line. You're batting down the hatches.

We were. We absolutely were. But Pippa, her door, like because she can't use it, we like left it open. Yep. And I was just strung up and I was like, oh, like. Whatever. I didn't even really think of it, but all the other doors, I was like, oh, now bedroom window. I didn't even really think of it, but all the other doors, I was like, oh, now bedroom window, like quickly wind it shut, whatever.

Anyway, it's blowing a fucking Megan Gale outside. And I like walked into the laundry to use that toilet. And I walk in and down the end of the thing, because it's like just a corridor basically to the toilet, I noticed that the toilet paper was like unraveled and it was basically empty. And I was like, oh, I thought I'd just replaced that the other day. And I noticed that it's like hasn't unraveled onto the floor.

It's unraveled, like gotten caught in the wind. And just started slinging. And unraveled into the toilet. it's unraveled, like gotten caught in the wind. And just started slinging. And unraveled into the toilet. Oh, God, no. And so there was basically like there was a lot of toilet paper in the toilet, right? And I like started laughing because I thought it was really funny. That's pretty funny.

Like what are the chances? How is it all the things come it? All the things come together. All the things came together that the wind came right down, blew into the toilet paper and unrivaled, not onto the floor, but into the toilet bowl. That sounds like a science trick. Yeah. Like try and do that on purpose.

Exactly. It was like a trick shot. Yeah. Like it was amazing. I thought it was so funny and I'm pissing myself in the toilet, like doubled over and I'm losing it. And correct response. Yeah, and I'm in the toilet so obviously where else would I go?

And I start laughing and then Torbs comes up. He's like, what's going on? And I was like, the toilet paper's unraveled into the toilet. Like I just thought it was so fucking funny. And it was still attached to the roll. So you can just roll it back up? Well, it's in the toilet though so it's like wet. I didn't ask about how damp it was still attached to the roll so you can just roll it back up well it's in the toilet though so it's like i didn't ask about how damp it was man i said can you roll could you actually i was joking think of anything worse than just like

well so anyway i'm like laughing i told him what happened he's just like oh okay like yeah that's pretty funny sure and then he's like i live with tony pretty funny. Sure. And then he's like. He's like, I live with Tony Lodge. I've heard funnier. Yeah, he's like, not your best mate. He walks out. And he's, like, laughing. But then he kind of goes like, oh, like, I don't want to put my hand in there and, like, get that toilet paper out. And I was like, why would you do that? Just flush the toilet.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. Why? Because you'll clog the shit out of the toilet. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. Why? Because you'll clog the shit out of the toilet. Okay. So I said just flush it. And he goes, oh, Tony, that

much won't flush. So it had unraveled. So it wasn't, the roll wasn't in the, I just need to make this very clear. The roll wasn't, it was unraveled. So it was like loose. Yeah. Obviously if you put a whole roll of toilet paper like on the thing, that would definitely clog it up.

I just want to make it very clear. I think it actually had more chance of an unroll because the water would go through the middle bit. No, because the actual roll, even if it got to a certain point. But at least the water would go through. But when it clags up. Oh, yeah. So you don't want the rising water coming at you.

Yeah, that's true. Well, so I was like. I mean, either way is not great. Yeah. Let's not do that. But anyway, so I'm like, why would you do that? Like, just flush it. And Torbz goes, there's no way that you could flush down

that much toilet paper. And I said, oh, yeah, you could. No, actually, I don't think this is going where you think it's going. I said, yeah, you could. No, actually, I don't think this is going where you think it's going. I said, yeah, you can. That's like not that much more than I normally use. And he goes, what? What? And I was like, what are you talking about?

And he goes, what do you mean that's not much ruling? Are you using like half a roll per poop? Well, this is what I think we need to talk about because I, how much are we using? Because like, and I know this isn't, I don't mean to get into the, like, folder versus scruncher debate, but I think I'm using the amount of toilet paper for, like, a small village.

Yeah. But I didn't realise. So a bit like your cling wrap, I've brought a prop. What are the chances we've both brought a prop in the same day? I know, I can't believe it. And actually there's no toilet paper in the office at the moment, so I had to use this before when I did a poo. Well, as much as I appreciate you bringing a prop,

if there is in fact no toilet paper in the office, do you want to use the last roll considering on our table there is an empty green juice container, an empty iced coffee, I've got an empty iced coffee and an empty smoothie. Do we want to waste the last roll? This isn't going to be tampered with really. So this could be used. Okay.

Yeah. We're not going to get it wet. We're not going to like, you know, nothing worse is going to happen to this than what you're thinking. This will be the best part of its day. Yeah. So basically I just need you to show me how much toilet paper maybe you would like roll off.

Okay. So, okay, you've just done a normal poo. I need you to tell me. Am I rolling it off your hand? Yep, so I've got my finger through the roll and I want you to grab because it will like hopefully should spin around my fingers. Oh, hang on. Give me a finger.

Okay. Ryan's rolling. Okay. Yep. Oh no. Oh no. The wind's got it. It's the El Nino.

And then, okay. Right. So then you, so you've got maybe like, let's count the squares. What's that? Five squares. Five squares. Okay. Out of a regulation who gives a crap toilet roll. Yep. Five squares. So you're going to's that, five squares? Five squares. Okay. Out of a regulation, who gives a crap toilet roll?

Yeah. Five squares. So you're going to use that, right? Yep. And then you might do like a little bit more poo, right? Or you need to wipe again. What? Hang on.

Oh, no. Tony Lodge. What am I doing? Hang on. What do you mean? If you washed your car. Where is this coming from? With toilet paper.

No, because you know how like. No, no. Question. Let me speak. So if there was, if you were doing a poo, right, and like you didn't get all the poo off your bum the first wipe. Yeah. Because you've got to, like, wipe until it's, like, clean.

Then what do you do? Do you grab a new bunch of toilet paper or do you just fold that one? Like, what do you. Sorry, I thought you were implying that you did some pooing, you wiped, and then you kept pooing some more. I mean, sometimes that does happen, but not day to day. Okay, because when you said go for more, I was like, oh, hang on. Sorry, apologies.

No, no, no. I meant redacted. I meant like when you've got to go back again. No, there'll probably be two of those. So two of those. So maybe like 10 squares. I guess. Okay.

Because, yeah, I'm fucking up. Are we about to find out the cause of the global coronavirus toilet paper shortage? The toilet paper shortage? I was the person with the two big, like, 30 rolls going through. You're stocking up for the month and you're like, what? I'm like, oh, this will do me till tomorrow. Yeah.

We're having curry for dinner. I'm like, I, this will do me till tomorrow. Tomorrow, yeah. Yeah, we're having curry for dinner. I'm like, I really need a toilet paper. Okay, can you please pick up this unrolled roll of toilet paper? So it has become. I would describe it as unfurled. It is unfurled. So I don't know whether this is because I've, like, got little arms,

but I'm using way more than that. How many squares? Okay. I've rewound. You've rewound. So if I was doing a wee, for example. No, get me to the good stuff. No, no, no. Because I think this is important.

Okay. If I was doing a wee, so you know how you quite slowly pulled that off? Yeah. If I'm doing a wee, I'll go. Oh, my God. She's like rolling it. Yeah. That's one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. Is that 11 squares? Nine, 10, 11, 12, 15. So that's just like a normal weight. Like if I was getting up and the thing, I think it's because I pull it fast. Yeah, there's no momentum. It's like, so I just, I probably pulled for the same amount of time as you. It was the velocity behind the pull.

Yeah, I mean the physics behind that. And if there's one thing I've always said about Toni Lodge is she's a great puller. And I come quick. But then if I was doing a poo, I'd probably go. Pass it here. Let's count them out. I've got an accounting degree.

I'm qualified. One, two, three. Into's count them out. I've got an accounting degree. I'm qualified. One, two, three. Into the microphone, sir. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen. And are you going two of those? Probably. Because I don't use the same bit again.

Though sometimes if I'm doing a poo and I'm like somewhere where there's a sink as well, I'll wet the toilet paper a bit because it's a bit fancy. Let me do a fancy wipe with wet toilet paper. Cool. That's good to know. I'll unsay that for the rest of my life. Have you never done that?

No, not a single time in my life. Tony, I don't think that's what normal people do. What, so you get this Your fucking 19 squares That Tony thinks is normal And then wet it Wouldn't that break off inside of you How many stray sheets are floating around inside this

No no no Straight in So I'll get the tap and I'll go up and down And it's just a little bit And then it's just like a bit nicer on your body Thanks for saying body. It's still a massive no from the internet. Tell me if I'm right.

R.I.P. Tony Lodge in the comments. I was kind of like, look, it's not that much more than I use, and Torbs was like, well, that's a medical error. Who taught you when you were younger? Well, I mean like your parents like tell you to go do like poos and weas in the toilet or on the potty or whatever. I don't think that I have been taught how much toilet paper to grab. And also if you're somewhere where like the, you know,

in your second bathroom how the toilet roll I just spat so big. And that big chunk just flew across the table. You know how the toilet roll is like back behind here? Yeah. With that, I pull to myself and then I like tear it up. So I'm using like eight rolls in one go. Selfishly, because I've been accused of using a lot of toilet paper, but now I feel relieved.

I've validated you. Well, no, you've made me feel not as bad because at least I'm not at this level. Oh, yeah. Yep. Well, I didn't know it was that bad. And then when I said to Torb, it's like, oh, that's not that much more than I use. He was like, no, mate. That's not okay.

Is everything okay? Is it the green smoothies? Well, no. I just like don't want my, I don't know. I just didn't know that I was using that much. Here's a challenge. I don't want to use the word challenge because it's murky. Oh, God.

Don't say murky. I'm backed into a corner. We've got all this toilet paper everywhere. It's really upsetting. Why don't you, now that this is like a conscious thing on your mind, use a quarter of what you normally use. A quarter? Or just an amount.

So five, if I just had, what did I have, 15, 20 on there? Yeah. Five squares. We'll make a conscious effort. Like a peasant. Like a ye olde medieval toilet user. Oh, no, but just see how you go because you might finally go, oh, I'm using way less, but it doesn't, it's the same.

That's not how that works. I'm using less, but it's the same. No, I'm using less material, but it's doing the same amount of work. I just can't believe how wrong I was about how much to use. There's no wrong. There's just different. You guys all just told me I was wrong. Yeah, but I'm backtracking.

Because I feel really bad for you. Well, I just had no idea. And I was like, everyone uses this much toilet paper in their house. Now, I know traditionally you're a Coles girl, not a Woolies girl. Is that right? Or has it changed over the years? It's changed a little bit recently because there's a Woolworths right around the corner from us. That's way better than the Coles right around the corner from us.

This is good news because Woolworths now have sorbent kids for sale. And on the toilet paper, as you can see, it says time to tear. So every like fifth sheet it goes, yep, here we go. So I need my toilet paper training wheels is what you're saying. That's what I'm saying. As upset as I am by that. They're actually out of stock. I'm not even kidding.

Look at them. Because I used a whole roll every time. I'm like, it's not telling me which time it is. Oh, Tony's back. Yeah, so I just didn't know how wrong I was. And maybe I could. The kids three to six. Maybe I could hold up, we'll pop a photo in the episode thread today

of me holding the amount I would use and Ryan holding the amount that he would use. And maybe a visual is going to help people. And maybe then people can say, oh, I'm closer to Tony or closer to Ryan. Because I can't be the only one that's using quote unquote too much. I think people will see mine and say. That's not enough. No, that's on the heavy side.

No. Yeah. No. I actually like deep. I'm a heavy user according to bridge. And you're using two, three times that I'm using. Cause I'm not, I'm not the other end of the scale. I'm like, yeah, mid-range.

I think we've found out why Tony had that toilet issue when you were in America, why the toilet exploded. No, no, no. I actually won't cop that. Thank you. I won't cop that. Producer VB, whilst that is a good point, that was the fucking hotel.

That wasn't me. Well. No. Nah, nah, nah. That hotel was crook. That hotel was. And it made us sick and we drank the water. Yeah.

Well, mate, drank the wrong water. I drank the water from the toilet. It also said that here at Woolworths, sorbent kids. Oh, yep. Lenny the lion will guide you through the steps. That's so cute for kids though. That's really cute. And 30-year-olds.

Where was that when I was a kid? Maybe then I wouldn't be going through this. I just, yeah, I think what we'll do, we'll take a photo of how much I've unfurled, take a picture of how much Ryan's unfurled, and I think that visually people will be able to figure out like where they stand on the scale because I can't be the only one. And I need some solidarity sisters because.

I think you'll find some people do, like, they get, like, five sheets and do a little wipe and then fold it in and then wipe on the back and then fold that back around. I'm going to put this on the record right now. People that fold toilet paper should be put in prison prematurely before they kill someone because you know they're going to do it. You know that they're going to do it one day. You know they're going to do it one day. Pop them're going to do it one day. You know they're going to do it one day.

Pop them in and just like fucking get ahead of the curve. I think this was the premise of Minority Report. You know how it's like the future murder. There you go. Call me Matt Damon. It's Tom Cruise. Call me Tom Cruise. I've got to get off the seat here.

Good. I ran into, not in the toilet paper aisle at the supermarket, I ran into Paige Hoskin, who went to my high school. Oh, Paige, yeah. Great, mate. And I go, Paige, you know, I literally haven't seen her for fucking so long. And I was like, oh, hey, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

And she goes, oh, you remember Andy in our school year above? And I go, oh, Andy Turner. She goes, yeah. She goes, yeah, we're married now. Aw. Yeah, and I go, that's great. And I went, you must be Tony Lodge's book because you're a real Paige Turner. And she goes, that's why I didn't change my name.

That is so funny. Paige Turner. I'm glad that she got ahead of that curve. Because you imagine if she went, Paige turned. Oh, no. She saw me coming a mile away. Because I think she saw the cogs turning. I definitely don't.

Turning. She goes. I'm sure that you're not the first person to. Well, she goes, I preempted this. Because even when they were dating, everyone was like, oh. So I've gone, Paige Hosking, Andy. She'd actually walked away and you went, Paige Dana. No, I think she's like, yeah, I've got six kids and started naming them.

And I was like. There's a joke here. What is it? Tony's fucking Paige Dana. And she's like, no. No, that's all right. That's very funny. And you come up with that in a supermarket.

That's a good gear for a supermarket. And even though I was just doing a shit gag with a high school friend still gave

you a plug. Yeah. Thank you for that. And she went who's that? And you went oh it would

take too long to explain. By the time I explained you would have a different funny name. Okay.

I used up my funny joke already. I was going to say yeah maybe you need a rest. Nah, shout out to Paige and Andy. Hope they're doing well. That's amazing.

I have an ad here that I saw. Is it for my book and you said it in a joke? No, it's not, unfortunately. But I saw this ad. I got it sponsored to me. And I had to do a bit of a double take because I thought, what are they selling? I don't know if you – well, I know that you follow the brand Ruggable.

Yes. On Instagram. Yep. I got a sponsored ad from them over the break. I'm going to show you the ad. Ruggable, which do rugs. They sell rugs, washable rugs. It's actually like a sick fucking idea.

This is the ad that they were running for their Boxing Day sale. That looks like semen. Yeah. Jizz on a rug. Yeah. That is a jizz rug. A rug jizzing. What are they supposed to be?

So I've done a deep dive into this. For people who are listening to the podcast and playing along at home, it just said sale, sale, sale. There's an orange background and what just looks like six big sperms just splodged onto the thing. Little swimming sperms. I love rugaboo, but not that much. And they're balloons.

I think they're supposed to be balloons. Does anyone check this shit? Because it's got a little. Does all the executive team at the start of December go, well, we're off for Christmas and summer. They've left the intern to do it. For the socials, for the boxing day. All good, bro. Yeah, oh, I've got it. I've got a great idea. And've left the intern to do it. For the socials, for the boxing day. All good, bro.

Yeah, oh, I've got it. I've got a great idea. And it's. They go, I'll do whatever you want. Just don't jizz on the carpet. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. But.

You'll love your rug this much. It made me laugh. And I took a screenshot of it. And then the other day I was like looking for a, like a recipe in my thing or something. I was like, I have to show Ryan this because I know you love a bit of like marketing chat, a bit of advertising chat. I don't like this marketing chat. And I thought this was so funny.

Well, it's got us talking about it. Exactly. Yeah. A free plug for Ryan. Have we found an answer? Well, it's supposed to be balloons, I think. That's all I can glean from it. But I just saw that.

Was there a comment section? No, it's a story. It was like a sponsored story. I tell you what I love when I see something cooked and I go, does that look? I'll see if anyone else has realised. Oh, yeah, and it's always a top comment. Oh, yeah, nah, good.

People are saying what I'm saying. Yeah, but the other thing was that, like, you know when sometimes you do that and you go, oh, that looks like semen and there aren't any comments about it? And you go, am I the cooked one? What's wrong with me? But that just really made me laugh. And I would love to know whether anybody else saw that and thought that

because I was like, there's cum on that rug. Yeah. Little jizzies. Anyway. When was the last time you said that? I've never said that. No? Thank God.

And it will be the last. Thank you so much. Great. Are you in the market for a rug? Why is rugs coming up when you're sponsored? Well, I guess I've been looking at house stuff. Yeah. But then I got this sponsored ad for their Boxing Day sale because I guess it was just

like that time. You've got a great rug at your place though, don't you? I do have a good rug at my place, yeah. But this one. How much do you pay for that one? No semen. The thing about giving someone a gift is that you can't then like bring it up all the time. Oh, I've misread all this for years.

So you gave me a rug that you didn't want anymore. And I said, I'll pay you for that. And you said, don't worry about it. And now every time you say it, you go, oh, nice rug. How much do I pay for that? Can I say it like two more times? Who's the fuckhead? Who's the fuckhead?

It would appear it is I. Go jizz on a rug. Go jizz on a rug, everyone. Have a great day. And we'll chat to you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.