Toni and Ryan - 👶 Advice To New Fathers 👶

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Toni officially has the spicy cough but the show must go on! Hear about mums who clean, kids asking sex questions and midwives give advice to new fathers. Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello Ashley, do you want to approve the Tony and Ryan podcast? Oh, what's up? Of course I do Awesome How are you? We are good Unfortunately, Ash, it's just Ryan Because yesterday, Tony got the spicy cough

And has COVID Yeah, and Oh I'm so sorry to hear that Yesterday, Tony got the spicy cough and has COVID. Yeah. And I'm so sorry to hear that. That sucks. It really does suck. And so I'm used to women telling me that this is the biggest disappointment ever. So Tony is not with me in the studio.

Mate, no way. Hearing you has made my day and give all my love to Tony. I've been hanging out to hear from you guys, but you know, she's got to get better. So give my love. Hi, this is Ash from Wellington, New Zealand, and I approve this podcast. Yesterday, we found out that Torbs, the boyfriend of Tony Lodge, had COVID. So today I asked Tony to say hello to you, the Tarpers, and tell us how she was feeling. Hi everyone. Can you tell I sound good? I feel good.

So as you can tell, she's not doing the best, so I've told her to rest up. But for today, I've found something. So Tony and I used to work at the same radio station, Kiss 101 in Melbourne, and we started before this podcast just jumping in the studio, recording stuff and playing around, and we didn't know if it was going to be a demo for Tony to get a job because she was a producer and wasn't really on air at the time, or if it was going to be an example of what we could sound like together to give to the radio boss. So we didn't actually know what we were doing, but we just recorded stuff in the studio. And since, as we've just heard, Tony doesn't have a voice today, I thought I'd dust off some of this audio that hasn't yet seen the light of day. And this is from, this is like the first time we're ever in the studio

together. Now, some parts may have ended up on TikTok or Instagram, but it's never been on the podcast and never in full. So I don't know if this is a really bad idea, but it is what it is, and that's what we've got for today. And that'll probably be it for the week, if I'm being honest, because I don't want to put any pressure on Toni. As you can imagine, she's already stressing and feels bad for everyone. But today, questions that children have asked adults about sex.

So real, actual children have asked their parents stuff and parents have just written these questions in a forum. Tony is also in the weirdest Facebook group ever. But first, here's some advice to men who are about to become fathers from midwives. Here's some advice to men who are about to become fathers from midwives. These are the worst things men have done in the birthing suite, according to a bunch of midwives. There's a little TikTok account and they go,

by the way, soon-to-be dads, don't do this. Number one, men, if your partner is going into labour, don't you, the one not giving birth, complain about being tired, being sick, a bit hungry? Hey, you probably are tired. You've been up for a few days straight. We get it. They're probably a bit more tired.

Yeah. Their back door's open. Could you imagine that, though? Oh, it's getting a bit late. Anyone else tired? Yeah, or like, oh, Dal, could you hurry this along a bit? Because I've got to go. I've got something on.

Yeah, I've got work tomorrow, you know. All right, now Jenny's a midwife. She says, one time there was a father going between rooms from his wife and his girlfriend who were both separate people and both having separate babies, but they were both his children at the same time did the women know well apparently they knew like the other human existed but not maybe the extent like i think the wife knew that he was friends with the girl but didn't realize that a she was a girlfriend and b she was also pregnant at the same time. You would die.

Yeah. Can you imagine the most vulnerable point of a person's life, potentially, giving birth, and your husband is running out to be with his mistress? Hey, babe, I know you really need me and you're doing a great job. I'm just going to go check on Renee and then i'll um i'll come right back you're all good or or like oh i gotta do another way or like get you some more ice chips like how many excuses can you come up with like oh i've got to do another way and then you go into renee oh like bloody michelle's in labor as well you know like how how are you tackling that i can't even handle one boyfriend. Imagine dealing with two people in labour at the same time.

Eating the food that is meant for the mother. So I'm guessing that when you're giving birth, you might be a bit nauseous. You might not be feeling hungry. It's probably not a priority. Yeah. Even if they're not going to eat it, men just... Don't eat it.

This midwife has said said the amount of times I've seen the expecting father just sitting back on the recliner digging into an egg and bacon sambo just like licking his lips, spilling barbecue sauce on his shirt, you're not going to eat this are you? Oh Dal, this is quite good actually did you want the other half?

Did you want to buy it? If you're not going to finish it I might as well, it would be a shame just to waste it But, okay, flip that. Is that better than them going, oh, Darl, I'm just going to go to the servo and get a Traveller Pie. Do you want any Powerade, Kinder Surprise, anything? No? No.

Okay, cool. I'll bring back the receipt, though, so that you can reimburse me. Health insurance, we'll allow. Yeah. But, you know, like, would you rather them eat the food that had been delivered to you or pop out because they're like, God, I really need a pie? When I first saw this from the midwife, I agreed that I'm like, oh, the audacity of the bloke just to sit there and eat.

To eat it, yeah. It's like the principle of the thing. But before I'd read it from the midwife's perspective, I was like, well, it'd be a shame to waste food. Yeah. But I think also if I was going into labour, my go bag, it wouldn't be filled with nappies and spew rags. It would have a bag of pretzels, some...

Some raisins, a sparkling water. Yeah, some red licorice, you know, for sustenance. So maybe, you know, maybe no one's right in this scenario. All right. Dear men, it is never actually as funny as you think it is when you're trying to put a hat on the baby while it's crowning. What? Like the head, just the head is just starting to come out

and they're like, oh, put a little Hawthorne beanie on. That's a little Hawks fan. And everyone's like, apparently a lot of guys think that's funny. I also think it's smirk worthy. However, just don't do that. There's medical professionals doing their job and you're going to go hang on like a gag for Instagram. I'll put a little hat on him. Yeah, I'm going to put it in like the lads chat, like on WhatsApp.

Like what are you what oh and also wouldn't the hat be quite scratchy on like a very fresh skinned baby scratchy oh but you're right you know like i just the baby's head is quite soft yeah it hasn't even like popped back into place yet. Oh, that bit. Yeah, sorry. When you said popped, I just, yeah. Oh, no, different thing. The fontanelle is still soft. Michelle is a midwife. I once walked in on a dad with his whole mouth over the happy gas outlet on the wall and he was having a wonderful time. Now, I'm actually fine with this one.

Only because you were doing it. Is it more inappropriate to call your drug dealer to come into the hospital? That's way more inappropriate. But if you can get high on the hospital supply, then I'm more for it. Just go for it. This midwife called Amy said, the amount of times I've had to explain it to the father that they don't have to get naked in the birthing pool or the birthing spa is phenomenal.

So obviously the woman would be fully naked because in so much discomfort, you're like, I just don't need anything. Yeah. And I think that's the idea of having a birthing pool is that it's like freeing and like you're, yeah. So they're often like, cool, if you just get undressed and apparently quite regularly the bloke's like, oh, well, if I'm going to help out. And they're like, mate, it's actually great that you want to be in there.

It's a beautiful time in your life, but bring some board shorts and some speedos, just do something. Please put your penis away. Like regularly has to tell guys that that's not how. We know that at the beginning of this journey, your penis was involved, but at the end, it doesn't need to be. Once you're finished, you're actually done here, bud. Yeah.

Take a hike. Go to 7-Eleven, get a sandwich. Hi, this is Ash from Wellington, New Zealand, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. listening to Tony and Ryan. I don't know if it's just me, but I love doing that like dirty pleasure internet read of like weird groups on Facebook. So, you know, when you're like, so I've got a few friends at the moment that are planning their weddings and they're part of these, you know, bride groups.

Oh, they're the – Yeah, and the things that the girls say on there and it's like, oh, my husband-to-be has done X, Y, Z. What should I do? And the girls are like, oh, just leave, like, dump his ass, whatever. I'm part of this group on Facebook and it's called Mums Who Clean. And it's really, really good. So the reason I joined it was because the first time I ever And it's called Mums Who Clean. And it's really, really good.

So the reason I joined it was because the first time I ever fake tanned myself, my boyfriend Torbs had to help me get all the bits like on my back. Yep. And he shook the can and didn't realize that he was pressing the top and it sprayed all over our couch. Oh, and fake tan, that's going to really. Yeah. So it was like a. Were you doing this in the lounge room?

Yeah. Okay. Well, so. I would have assumed this was a bathroom or maybe even outside. You've seen our bathroom. It's quite narrow. So we were out in the living room because we needed the natural light. Hang on.

So you've got the windows open. No, the windows are open. Tony lives in an apartment've got the windows open. No, the windows are open. Tony lives in an apartment in the middle of town, so when the windows are open, all the other apartments can see in. So you needed the natural light. Yeah, well, lucky them. Anyway, so he shakes the fake tan. The lid is open.

It sprays all over our light grey, like, fabric couch. So I posted on Instagram, someone messaged me and said, you've got to join this Mums Who Clean group. They'll have an answer for you straight away. Yeah. So I joined it and it has just been nonstop laughs ever since. Okay.

So I ended up getting all these tips on how to get the fake tan off the couch. We ended up selling the couch. No one, none the wiser. So the other day I'm scrolling through facebook and this post comes up a quick question to those who soak their toilet seats in the bathtub what cleaning products do you use i don't own bleach and don't plan on buying any thanks hang on yeah someone's taking the toilet seat off and soaking it in their bath so there's no normal thing? Well, I've never done that. I mean, I don't have a bath.

But sometimes if I read something like that, I'd be like, should I be doing that? Have I supposed to have been doing this the whole time? I know. Because I haven't been. So there's this like trend in the group, right, and it's called strip washing. And all the women like pull off their like bed sheets

or their husbands are a mechanic. Like this is a really common one. It's like a very a mechanic. This is a really common one. It's like a very basic group. This is a really common one. Their husband is like a diesel mechanic or works on the mines or something like that, and they strip wash their clothes. So they put all this stuff in a bottom of the bath, and they look at the water, and it's all black.

They go, oh, my God, and apparently it's the best thing ever. So they're kind of talking about, like, strip washing their toilet. The top comment, this is just, like, the most boomer comment I've ever heard from someone called Elizabeth. She says, I do not soak my dunny seat. I never, ever have, and I've been married for 43 years. What does that have to do with anything? The association between years, Mariton.

I've never been to a library and I've had hair my whole life. What does that have to do with anything? Hi, everyone. Can you tell I sound good? I feel good. This is questions children have asked about sex. Have you just looked at it already? I just looked at the first one.

Go on, just read it out loud then. My six-year-old daughter asked, how does the penis get into the vagina if it's just always flopping around? I ask myself that every day. I'm still not sure. What would you say? We both don't have kids.

What would you say if a six-year-old asked you that? I would say it doesn't go into it. So they're six, right? So you're allowed to still lie. I'd say it doesn't. It doesn't. But she says, like she obviously knows. Why does she know she's six?

What has she seen? what's going on also what is she seeing if she assumes that penises are always just flopping around yeah that's what i feel like the the questions around that actually go deeper that oh oh no not deeper let's push on to the next one oh when i was I was four, I asked my mum where babies come from and she gave me some honest age-appropriate answers. A couple weeks later, I asked, when a mummy and daddy make a baby, how does the daddy get his penis back?

Oh, I wasn't gifted my father's penis when I was born. Is that normal? Or does she mean when they've obviously explained, oh, they put it in. Oh, take it out. Yeah, they don't. And it hasn't actually been detached. It's still part of the.

Well, yeah, they've obviously been told it goes in and they went, cool, end of story. Yeah, amazing. But see, right, this is when I was four. Who is saying to their four-year-old that the penis is gone? Am I really like naive here in thinking that you wouldn't tell that to a four-year-old that the penis is going? Am I really, like, naive here in thinking that you wouldn't tell that to a four-year-old? I don't have kids. Four is pretty young.

That's young, eh? Even the six-year-old. Like, are you telling a four-year-old that a penis is going in? At what age do you still believe? What's the bird? The stork. The stork. I'm still thinking that that's how it happens.

All right, next one. You go. My friends and I asked our teacher how mermaids reproduce. Well, so there's two options there. Do you say like, oh, they give each other a special kiss or do you have to slam the home truth that mermaids don't exist? Either way, a kid's getting a broken heart. I've actually thought about this because like when someone was designing what a

mermaid is like they've just left out some really key features no jine even if they had like a a zip a fly or like on the scales if the if the mermaid needed to poo would it slide into the bottom of the tail like come out of its feet like would it or does it fill up like a sleeping bag the worst it's a touch up and sleeping if you were a mermaid would you want to be mermaid bottom or mermaid top like there's no such thing as a mermaid okay it's like it's legs with scales okay would you rather be a fish top or fish bottom? Fish bottom. But then you've got no willy. But then if you're a fish top, you would be a fish. Oh, that's not what a fish sounds like. I'm glad that's on camera.

Enjoy that. When I was little, I asked mum what meant. She got flustered and told me that it was a bad word and it's for when a woman gets pregnant. Between the ages of five and eight, every time I saw a pregnant woman, I would tell whoever was listening she was... I mean, well, they're not wrong. Mum, they got fucked. Mum, they got fucked.

Well, they are fucked. Oh, my God. While I was teaching sexual reproduction to students in year seven, one girl asked me what a glory hole was. Normally I'm taught. She just assumed it's just like, this is the nostril hole this is the glory hole and what's the glory one yeah but oh normally i'm fine with answering questions about sex but that one flustered me she said she'd asked her mom and apparently she said to ask me oh so that's really

like a parent doing you dirty like oh ask miss snelling tomorrow like she'll she'll be able to tell you and usually miss snelling would be like Snelling tomorrow. Like she'll be able to tell you. And usually Miss Snelling would be like, that's probably one for mum and dad to answer. Yeah, or maybe, yeah. But I just want to know, what year, oh, year seven. Hang on, how old are you in year seven? Like 12.

So you've maybe seen an episode of Skins. Or but also start a high school, you just hear words in the playground and you're like, oh, yeah, I know what that is. Like you're trying to, you know know keep up with the cool lingo i don't actually it is a glory hole is it what i'm thinking it is it depends what what are you thinking is it the like the hole in the in the toilet and there's a hole in the wall and the boys put their penis into the hole and then something happens to the penis on the other side but you never see the owner of the penis

and the owner of the penis never knows who is doing what to their penis. Is that what a glory hole is? Open your phone. Let's find out. Hang on, let me Google it. Is that what it is? Should I turn safe search off? I don't understand.

Oh, yeah. I was right. Oh, God. The images have come up. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

That's nice. That's really nice. Romantic. The original Tinder. Swipe to the. Romantic. The original Tinder. Swipe to the next cubicle. Biggest stall.