Toni and Ryan - ANYTHING for a Tinder Date

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

Welcome to Wednesday, it's me just SLAYING with Audio Queen, and weird stuff our TARPers have heard during / after sex. Love ya!!! Toni xoxox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is Ryan. Hello, I'm Tony. And we are calling Carly in Virginia, one of the great places in the world. Okay, mate. Home of James Madison University in Virginia Tech, some of the great party schools. Right. Alright, here we go. Hello. Carly, it's Tony and Ryan. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Hi. Carly, how surprised Tony and Ryan. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Hi. Carly, how surprised could you be you booked this in?

Will you approve this podcast, Carly? Oh, my God. Fuck yes. I approve this podcast. Yay. Hey, it's Carly from the United States in Virginia, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, what did they say during sex? Last week, when Maddie McRae joined us, we heard a story of a bloke who,

after he came on himself, said, well, I don't want to waste it. Yeah, to another person. Yeah. Said it to her. She goes, well, I'm not swallowing. For me, the act is like, not for me, but like fine. But it's the line, I don't want to waste it. Yeah.

That's really fucking done me and the internet in. So a lot of tarpers have shared things that's been said to them during sex. I bet they have. Try and stop them. Yeah. And I've also got something that someone once said to me, and it wasn't during, it was like. Was it, oh, we're about to land. Make sure you put your seatbelt on.

Do you remember when you figured that girl on a plane? It was like a personal joke. Throwback to that. That didn't happen. But the thing I'll tell you today did happen. And it wasn't. Just like you fingering Lauren on a plane. No, this actually did happen. And it wasn't during.

I would say it was three seconds after. Oh, God. When, like, you were still breathy, like that soon, you know. I'm puffed for quite some time. I'm not that big. Within three hours. All right, that's coming up. But first, Audio Queen.

And have you heard of this thing? It's like a saying, curious people don't believe in coincidences. And it's like detectives don't believe in coincidences. Oh, this guy with a history of murder happened to be walking past. What a coincidence. You know. Oh, yeah. No, we at least need to like ask a few follow-up questions.

Okay, sure. Last week, you and I left the country for a few days yes and deliverer shut down now i don't believe in coincidences so what like were the two of us personally holding that company maybe i didn't think that i you know i mean these shoulders though they're pretty i carry the globe yeah. So what you're about to hear. That is really funny. I didn't think about that. So what you're about to hear with our audio queen,

because Tony is an audio engineer, this is the boss of Deliveroo on like a Zoom call, an all-staff Monday morning meeting kind of vibe. Oh, stats meeting, yeah. And I don't know if you know, Monday morning meeting kind of vibe. Oh, stats meeting, yeah. Yeah. And I don't know if you know this, but the head of Deliveroo himself is a roo. So this is him explaining on a Zoom call that the company's struggling and then during the Zoom call he finds out that Tony

and Ryan have left the country for a few days and this is actually going to be it. Okay. I've got my paws up. Yep. Very cute. Oh, crikey, guys. Here at Deliveroo, we love to, we strive to keep people happy and fed.

And we're really not doing too well. And I don't know why, because our two favorite customers are still customering. Oh, hang on, everyone. Sorry. I've just got some breaking news. It's a Morse code. What's that? My page has gone off. Tony and Ryan have left the country.

Oh, my God. Everyone, shut it down. We're being shut down. We are kangaroo-ted. I don't know if, because people all around the world listen to this pod, not many in Australia. As you would know. There's a children's cartoon called Skippy the Bush Kangaroo

and you sounded exactly like Skippy. Yeah, I also sounded a little bit like Blinky Bill. No, that's what I thought. It was Blinky Bill. Yeah, so I think that it might just be Australian kids TV. It all sounds the same. Well, you've nailed it. It's probably the same guy.

Well, do you know what I'd love to do? Be a voice on Bluey. Are they continuing Bluey? I had rumours that was ending. Surely not. It's like the biggest Australian TV show ever. Bigger than Neighbours. I was going to say, not that I'm hating it.

RIP Neighbours. It's been brought back to life. Fucking let it die. They just did that big dramatic goodbye. Big John Farnham energy. Yeah, the last time. Like, oh, it's 17, farewell to us. Yeah.

The same. If you had a beautiful send-off, which they did. Yeah, surely you'd go, you know what, Amazon, thank you, but, like, I think this is it. This is like when an athlete has a great 15-year career with a club and they kind of retire, then they come back and play one shit season for some other random team. Yeah.

Or, like, when you say goodbye to someone and you walk the same way. Oh, well, have a great day then. Oh, you're going, oh, oh, you are. I think you've got to ask them how they are again. Yeah, but I will see you later. Yeah, oh, no, still going the same way. Oh, you are. I think you've got to ask them how they are again. Yeah, but I will see you later. Yeah. Oh, no. Still going the same way.

Oh, great. Fuck, that's so awkward. Has anyone ever had to do that three times? Oh, surely not three. So you do it once and then you go, oh, fuck, we're going the same way. I've got to do it again. And then you're like, anyway, my bus is here. Oh, you're on the 44 as well.

Do you have any change? I didn't bring my mic. Anyway, have a great day. Oh, you're getting off of this stuff. Yeah. Oh, you're coming to my house. Oh, you're on the 44 as well? Do you have any change? I didn't bring my mic. Anyway, have a great day. Oh, you're getting off of this stuff. Yeah. Oh, you're coming to my house. Oh, okay. Like, yeah, I'm your wife, Ryan.

Stop trying to leave me. Stop trying to go. We got married three years ago. All right. A man was on a Tinder date. Aren't they all? When he decided to storm the US Capitol on January 6th. He was part of the insurrection or whatever.

Oh. And he's just been sentenced to prison this week. So they're kind of doing the court case. So what were you doing at the time? He's like, oh, I was on a Tinder date. And they're like, what? I mean, you've heard of dates gone wrong, but. Okay.

So, Tony, I'm going to partake in this with you. Oh, I can't. Oh, okay. You what? Sorry? All right. So, Tony, you're the. Oh, okay. You what? Sorry? All right. So, Tony, you're the man.

Thank you. And I am his female Tinder date. Good luck in the role. Thank you. Now, you just pretend that, you know, you think you might be close to getting some action here. This date's been going well. Yeah. And because it's been a while and you're fucking all, you're all barred up. Yeah.

You're kind of prepared to say yes to anything. You know, you get to that point where you're just like, I'm all in. And you're all revved up. And keep in mind, you're an American man. Yeah. And the South? No, Washington, D.C., baby. I don't know.

Accent-wise, I don't know what that means. No. But I'll just accept any American accent, to be honest. Because Washington's a transient town. People move there for work. Okay. Hey, Darlan, you want to know? Yeah.

Is that not the right vibe? I kind of went for like a George W. Bush because he lived in D.C. Where did he live there? Yeah. Oh, this house got blue house, I think. So have you been? G'day, Darlan. Have he? Where'd he live there? Yeah. Oh, this house got blue house, I think. So have you been? G'day, darling. Have you been thinking about me?

Oh, yeah. Why don't you have to do the accent? Because I'm not an audio queen. Yeah, I have. I've thought about you at night. Would you? I did not. That's Phil Clinton.

Fuck. All right. Alright sorry just getting in character All of the presidents You're beautiful you're absolutely beautiful That was like Trump What? That's never been like Trump Beautiful it's beautiful I don't think I've ever seen him say that word

Yeah that's a Trumpy It's got too many letters for Trump. Five letters or less. That's why you're saying beautiful. It's beautiful. You know how? Okay. All right.

I'll stick to another president. Call Alec Baldwin because Trump impersonated him. Yeah, maybe I'm impersonating the impersonator. I've seen SNL. Sorry. Are you ready to take our relationship to the next level? I'll do anything for you. I love thinking about you.

Do you want to do something naughty? Yeah. Do you want to do something that might get us in trouble? If you want, sweetheart. Do you want to storm the Capitol and attack Nancy Pelosi via perspective and pens, destroy democracy and kill a few people. Yes, I do. Well, he obviously said yes.

Yeah, he did. Anyhow, he's in jail. And he goes, oh, but I didn't bring my big fur hat. Wasn't he wearing that ridiculous hat or something? Or like Viking horns or something? So why do you feel so passionately about this? I'm actually on this date. I'm just trying to impress this chick. I'm really trying to figure her. something or like viking horns or something so why do you feel so passionately about this i'm actually on this date i'm just trying to impress this chick i'm really trying to figure her yeah

and she's fucking into this so i was like yeah me too and like yeah i hope it works out well it didn't he's in jail or maybe they were at a on a date at a club and she went do you want to storm the capital and he didn't really hear it and he went went, yeah. Yep. Sounds good, babe. Yeah. I'd love another G&T if you're going up, actually. I'd love that. Five cougars, thanks. Yeah. The amount of party drugs being seized at the port of Antwerp in Belgium. Have you seen this story?

No, I haven't, but I can only imagine. So what happens when they seize it, they put it in an incinerator and destroy the – because they can't just leave all this gear lying around. It turns out that the port of Antwerp, they can't – there's been so much drugs go through there. The incinerators have conked out and they can't put enough in the incinerators. conked out and they can't put enough in the incinerators. Like there's too much drugs.

Yeah. So an old Belgian party girl, Tony Lodge, she has an idea. Yeah. After we already disposed of a bunch of it in the incinerators, she reckons we can trust her to take care of the rest of it. And she seems pretty energetic, enthusiastic about it as well because she's already been taking care of some of the leftover goods. Well, I mean, you've picked the perfect person for the job

because you are looking at someone who just hit a day five streak on Duolingo. I thought you were about to say you just hit the right person because I'm high as a fucking kite, right? And I love drugs. And I'm a heavy drug user. No. So ich spreche sie Deutsch.

I think you'll find Belgium is not in Germany. It's not. Well, I'm not doing fucking geography. It's Audio Queen, not Geographic Queen. It's a transient town. Actually, you know, I've just read the fine print. She's from Brussels. That's also.

The German? Oh, it's Belgium as well. That's Belgium, yeah. The master's from Brussels. That's the Belgian guy. What's a German? Where's a German town? Berlin?

She's from Berlin. I don't think that's a port though. No, but she is from Berlin. Oh, she is from Berlin. Berlin, yeah. Oh, I read that as well. News don't come today. You had to post a revision. I'm trying to help you out, bro. Yeah, I Yeah. Oh, I read that as well. News.com today you had to post a revision. I'm trying to help you out, bro.

Yeah, I know. And you've done five days in a row of Duolingo. Yes. I'm actually getting really good. I believe it. Ich bin super. I am great. Anyway, okay.

The Duolingo say like, what is the one sentence you want to learn? And you went, how do I say I am great? How do I say where are all the drugs? For this story. It was for work. Oh, I can claim that on tax. All right. As if I'm doing the paid version.

I'm fucking scrolling through the ads. I was going to say as if you paid tax. Yeah. Don't say that. I pay tax. I pay too much tax actually. Yeah. We've set too much aside. Yeah, I do. Anyway, okay. Off air tax. I pay too much tax, actually. Yeah, we've set too much aside.

Yeah, I do. Anyway, okay. Off-air chat. What am I doing? Audio queen. You're a Belgian party girl from Germany who has an idea on how to get rid of the excess party drugs, and she's really energetic and enthusiastic about it. Yeah, okay.

Oh, I have a crazy idea. Do you know what we could do? I could take the drugs myself and dispose of them if you like. I just remind you that she's quite energetic and enthusiastic and is already in inverted commas. Okay, so she's not playing cool. And she's already in inverted commas disposed of some already. Oh, okay.

Do you need a technopower? What I would say is that I can actually take the rest of them because I had some of them already. I mean, oh, no, I didn't have some of them already. Do you need a technopower? What I would say is that I can actually take the rest of them because I had some of them already. I mean, oh no, I didn't have some of them already. I like to be naturally I exercise a lot, so I have a lot of happy endorphins. But that is only reason why I'll be happy at the moment.

So yeah, I just think that maybe if I took the drugs and then I put them in my incinerator at home then maybe I would be able to help the state. If I took the drugs and then I put them in my incinerator at home, then maybe I would be able to help the state. If only that German worked for Deliveroo, maybe they would have been faster and still in business. Hey, it's Carly from Virginia in the United States and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout out to a few of our champion-tapions from our Patreon. Alexia Greider. Greider maybe? Greider? Greider, hello. Alyssa Johnson. Yeah, Big Boobs Johnson. Isn't that a thing, a job in the US?

Like when you're at a restaurant, you're the greeter. Like when you walk in and you go, hey, table for two, and they greet you and they take you to your table. Okay, that is not just a job in America. That is a job here. It's like a maitre d'. A maitre d'? That sounds way better than greeter.

But a greeter at like Walmart, like the person that stands at the front and like checks your bags and stuff, they have them at Kmart. Do they? And Bunnings as well. You walk in, hey, mate, where are the fans? Yeah. Once I was at Bunnings. Here's a public cervix announcement.

Did you just say public cervix announcement? Yeah. Public cervix announcement. Please don't touch me on the cervix. I'm fine. I already had a shower this morning. A pubic cervix announcement. Sorry, the cervix announcement.

That has sent me. Never assume that just because someone's wearing a red shirt that they wear at Bunnings. They work at Bunnings. Can I talk? What's wrong with us today? Don't say us. Don't drag me into it.

What's wrong with me today? Just because I don't know where Antwerp is. And I don't know that Belgium and Germany aren't the same place. I just had an antihistamine. Do you reckon it was not a non-drowsy? I hope not. I feel like I'm fading. And we've started about 10 minutes ago.

I can't see. Here's my public service announcement. What is going on? You just said about 20 things. How did you not know that greeters, though, are a thing here? I just don't think we wouldn't call them a greeter. What would you call them? The blokes saying hello at the front door.

Yeah. Today's episode of Bluey. Oh, who's that bloke saying hello at the front door? This is my official audition. Fuck! Cassandra Tabarez, thank you so much. TH Juliana Bridges,

thank you so much. That sounds like I just made a really bad edit, but I genuinely just had to go back to the shoutouts and had to go. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. You fucking love us there. We are doing a live stream tomorrow morning for our champion tapas. Thursday morning, our time.

We're taking on a turkey. It's Thanksgiving time of year. And that means it's like Wednesday night in the US. Wednesday Arvo. Wednesday Arvo or something. All the information's in our Patreon. That'll be really fun. About half hour, crafting some turks.

And just have a think now who you think between Tony and I would be better at doing that. Why are you rolling your eyes? Well, people don't need 24 hours to think about that. I mean, they've just heard us both talk. Maybe they're not sure anymore. It's a nil all draw. It's a what? Nil all draw.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I thought you said well-oiled draw and I was like, what does that mean? It's a draw well-oiled. Yeah, okay. I thought you said well-oiled draw and I was like, what does that mean? Is the draw well-oiled? Yeah. All right, last week. Jesus Christ.

Sorry, everyone. We'll get through today. My eyes are closing. Can you see that? Nah, but maybe mine are too. I will say the pollen is bad, so it might just be not the anti-sween. It might be like the actual pollen. Okay.

Last week, Maddie McRae joined us and we heard a harrowing tale about a guy who when the lady said, I'm not going to swallow that. Yep. He said the line, well, we shouldn't waste it. I don't want to waste it. I don't want to waste it. It'd be a shame to waste it and consumed it himself. Yeah.

So it's not the problem with the act. It's just the chat around it. It's the line. Yeah. So it's not the problem with the act. It's just the chat around it. It's the line. Yeah. So we want to know what lines you've heard during sex and the tarp is fucking how. They always come through. Harley.

Should I change some of these names? Charlie. Listen to this line and just this. I never heard this sentence before. I met a guy on Tinder and I went back to his place to give him a hand job. Oh, my God. Yeah. You're on the record as you're off there, mate.

Yeah. Yeah. I just don't, why would I get some, why would I do something to someone I could do themselves? Being fingered, though, is pretty awesome. Someone's flown on a plane with me In the last week I actually did Why didn't you try and finger me?

Okay, anyway I met a guy on Tinder I went back to his place to give him a handjob We were on the couch And as he was about to come He leaned back as he was enjoying the moment and it shot up into the air into his own mouth. Like by mistake.

Oh, it just shot straight into his mouth, right. So he's leaning back and there's a bit of an angle on the dangle and fucking bang. And he goes, ah. So that's what that tastes like. Pretty shit, eh? And she was like, yeah. And she was like, yeah. And he was like, righto.

And he goes, then she left and they never spoke to each other ever again. Oh, I was really hoping that story was going to end with you saying they've been married now for three years. You know when you hear these like horrible or like crazy dating stories and you go, oh, and they're actually still together. Yeah. Oh. But Smiley, rolling back to his joint for a HJ.

A hand job. Do you remember like a handy? A hand shandy? Like, yeah, I gave him a wristie. Do you remember saying things like that? Well, I never said, yeah, I gave him a wristie. Oh, mate. It's okay.

We know you lived in the US. The term wristie is, in fact, the term for most things now that I'm in my 30s that teenage boys would say. Oh, yeah. And it's just like pretty shocking. Teenage boys or 28-year-old girls called Tony. Yeah, I gave him a wristie. Yeah, I gave him a wristie.

Elena. Yeah, I gave him a wristie. Elena. Once I was getting down with a boy and I suddenly remembered from earlier in the day that I needed to remind him of something. So whilst he – Why was it? Like, so, you know, if you see Tony later, can you tell her to give me a call or something?

So she goes, when I was on top of him, I suddenly remembered I needed to pass on a message. And so whilst atop, I said, oh, yeah, Carl said, can you call him about that spare part for his car tomorrow? And he was so offended that I was out of the zone. Yeah. He pushed me off him and then sulked about it. And I actually don't think that's, I think that's fair.

I think that's probably fair enough. I think if you're in like a long-term relationship or something and something pops into your head and you said something, I'd maybe forgive that. But if you were just like casually sleeping with someone, were they in a relationship? Yeah, but it was early. Yeah. I get the vibe it was early.

No, I don't think you can do that early on. Can you just let about that spare part for the car? Yeah, I get. What? Fuck off. Are you not distracted by my dick inside of you? Who's Carl? Why are you thinking about Carl? Is he a's Carl? Why are you thinking about Carl?

Is he a great guy? Why are you thinking about Carl? You know, did you give him a wristie the other day behind the school shed? Did he jizz in his own face? Yeah, like, you know, what's up there? Or, like, I always think about, like, you know, because things do pop into your head. But I think it's your responsibility to, like,

not let it show on your face or not, like, say anything. If it's in your head, just leave it in your head until yeah until afterwards two and a half minutes and then you go oh my god i just remembered yeah i think that's fine oh yeah i bumped into you at the shops the other day she said to like we should go for dinner tonight like no yeah you can't you know um samantha andrews our friend samantha andrews no samantha matthews oh the reason i said andrews Samantha Andrews. Our friend Samantha Andrews. No, Samantha Matthews. Oh. The reason I said Andrews is because it rolls off the tongue because we know our mate Samantha Andrews.

Samantha Matthews said she was in the middle of getting down with a dude. Oh. And he was. Congratulations. And you know when the first time you hook up with someone and the guy's about to finish, there's this sort of like, what are we doing here? Yeah.

Like, you know, what's our plan? Yeah. Or do you? Are you? Yeah. Yeah. Or should I? Yeah.

We've just said so little but said so much. So the guy's on top of Samantha. Yeah. He's getting top of Samantha. Yep. He's getting close to finishing. Yep. And he like whispers, and she kind of has that look about, oh, are you, we, should I? Yeah.

And he like. Do you want to cut my tits? Yeah. It's an option. As an example. Yeah. He like presses his cheek against her cheek. So he's like whispering in her ear really close.

Go on. People think that whispering in an ear during sex is nice. It isn't. Why isn't it? Do you want to hear this? It feels really good. You think that, you know, I get that saying it's good is fine, but don't get in my ear and try and be all sexy

because you're just breathing and sweating on me. Yeah, but also breathing in, like your ears are so sensitive when you're up that close. A heavy breathing into an ear sounds like a rocket ship going off. Exactly. Not in a good way. Speaking of the rocket ship going off, what did he say? So he leans in and goes, don't worry.

If you get pregnant, I'll pay for the abortion. worry. If you get pregnant, I'll pay for the abortion. Oh. What? Is that supposed to be comforting? Because imagine hearing that in, you know, the moment of like, there are many things you could do before it got to that point. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean, prevention better than cure. Surely if you... If you 1,000% for some reason thought you had to finish inside of her,

maybe that morning after pill, or maybe finish literally any other place in the planet. Or why weren't they using protection? Or why didn't they have this conversation before they had sex? Like there are a lot of opportunities before then. Don't worry. If you get pregnant, I'll pay for the abortion. That feels a bit fucked, doesn't it?

That feels real fucked. So what did Samantha do? I don't know how that ended, but I'm guessing, I mean, enough for her to be scarred years later and want to share it in a Facebook group under the heading, what's a fucked thing someone said to you? What a hot, like, oh, my God. Yeah.

Because the, I, pfft. Surely that's going to, I mean. I mean, you're not coming after that. When Elena said, yeah, when Elena said her partner was no longer in the mood because he mentioned the car parts, I'm guessing that chat is going to make you go, I reckon I'm probably done here, eh? I just think that's just a shocking thing to say. And not that I'm offended by an abortion.

I'm all for abortions. Do what you want with your body. But for him to say... You don't aim for one. No. You don't go, I'd love to get one if I'm not pregnant. Like the goal, you know what I mean? It's yeah.

Yep. Samantha, I'm glad you've moved on from that guy. I was going to say, I hope this one doesn't end with you going, oh, now they're married. And now we've been married for three years. It turns out you didn't pay for them. We've got six kids. All right.

Wow. Do you want to hear Jessica's fucked one or do you want to hear what happened to me first? Oh, no, Jessica's fucked one. Said the best for last. Oh, I don't know if we're going to meet Jess. Oh, okay. We're going to meet Samantha though because, all right.

So Jess, she's getting heavily into it and she starts making some noises because she's like, you know, I'm in the moment. Yeah. I'm feeling it. And also it's like it's kind of a way to tell the guy like, yep, you're on the right track here. You've hit the spot.

So, like, keep going. Thanks for explaining that to me. This is what Jessica said. She's saying, I'm showing my appreciation for his work, says Jessica. Yeah. It's like clapping after a standing ovation. So when I started making some noises, he then patted my face and said, shh, it's all just part of the process.

She's like, what? And anytime I spoke or made a noise for the rest of the time, he again just started stroking my face again and repeating those words endlessly. Uh-huh, it's part of the process. Ooh, it's part of the process. stroking my face again and repeating those words endlessly. Uh-huh. It's part of the process. Ooh, it's part of the process. Oh, I really like, oh, it's just part of the process.

Okay. Anybody that says that sounds like a fucking 100% freak. I was going to say 100% serial killer. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. Yep. And then. It's all part of the process.

What does that even mean? What process? It's like he's got his like, oh, hi, welcome to Ryan's. I'm actually at the 12th step of the. I was just going to say, Ryan's 28-step guide to making proper love. Proper love. That would be the title of the book. And now this is a direct quote from Jessica. After all this stroking of my face and repeating of those words,

I obviously ended up drier than the Sahara Desert. Yep, fair enough. And never could look the guy in the eye ever again. Well, that's just part of the process. That's just part of it. That's fine. I wouldn't worry about that, Jessica, because it's actually part of his process.

They'll be married in two years. I never want to sleep with you again, so I'm going to be a freak right now because it's part of my process of being a fuckboy is to make you hate me. Oh, that's good. That's a paraphrase. I've just made that up. Oh, okay. I don't know this guy.

But I assume his name's Jared. It would be a one-way ticket to fucking not sleeping with him again and definitely not calling him back. No. You know, you're blocking him on Instagram. Maybe that's what he wants. That's part of his process. Yeah, that is the process.

We've been had. Jessica, call him back. He's probably really rich or something. All right. Oh, my God. So when I'm younger, I'm doing breakfast radio. This isn't your public service announcement, is it? No.

No, no, no. I'm doing breakfast radio at Mildura's. Yeah. Star 99.5. Shout out. Shout out. No, I reckon Mildura has a population of, Mildura itself, maybe 35,000.

Is that quite small? Yeah. Yeah. And the greater region, maybe 60,000, 70,000 across the Sunraysia. The Sunraysia. But we're talking real small town. It's a lot of fruit. It's a fruit area.

Yeah. Yep. So I'm doing the breakfast show, which I guess what I'm trying to say is you're like a medium-sized fish in an incredibly small pond. Sure. Like real. Oh, a bit of a hot shot. Bit of a hot. Oh, but not even.

But anyway, so I still. Like your face is on a billboard, I guess. Well, there's one radio station in town and you're it. You know what I mean? Like there's no competition for faces in the region. Yeah. And yeah, you're probably on a billboard, the cars and all that kind of shit. And I also got asked to – this is so embarrassing and you'll judge me forever.

I DJed in a local club. Yeah. But when you say DJ, you mean, you know, hit shuffle on your iPod? Not far off it. They had this, like, program that was pretty basic. I'd just, like, type in the songs and queue them up. Yeah. Because basically this is how the conversation goes.

And also a lot of people when you say you work in radio assume you're like a DJ. Oh, 100%. They also assume you're an MC. Yeah. And a wedding celebrant. And so the local club goes, oh, so you work at the radio station. Do you DJ? And I'm like, no, not really.

And they go, oh, that's a shame because we've got this system. It's really easy. And we pay like 300 bucks cash for the Saturday night. Oh, and that's more than you'll probably fucking make in a week. Yeah, exactly. And you get drink, like every week you get drink cards. That's good. And when you're young.

You've moved to town. You don't know anyone. You're 25. I'm in a share house. So all my share housemates are like, just do it for the drink cards. Like we'll fucking take it. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, I could DJ.

Sure. So anyway, when you're DJing, you know, every drunk bitch comes up to the booth. The second after it finished. So you pulled because you're a DJ. Yeah, and you're the guy from Starford. And there's one club in town. Yeah.

And you're DJing. Like, I fucking saw the guy from the billboard. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking silly. And you're young and whatever. And because we've got a share house, there's a lot of like kick-ons.

There's a lot of like, back to our place. Yeah, yeah. So this girl stays the night. I actually have just remembered how this story ends. Yep. Actually, well, you can act it out then. Do you know the line? Yeah. So we literally just finished. Don't.

Actually, my fucking skin is crawling. Yep. So we've just finished. And this girl hops up out of bed with a big smile on her face. I bet she did. And says. I can't believe I just fucked the guy from Star FM. I can't believe I just fucked the guy from Star FM.

And you go, oh, well, where that came from, sweetheart. Smoking the cigarette that I've never smoked in my life, according to. Nah, that like threw me. Because it was sort of like. Like this. I don't want to get too deep in a funny, dumb segment, but I was like, like I have a name. I'm a person. I was like, I'm not like.

And I was just like. Yeah. I felt used. You felt like a notch in the. A notch in her bow. Yeah. I also would just like, it's hard because i could see it from her side as well because i could because you're a star fucker i am not a star of him

but she would be like oh my god like that's really cool he's a celebrity like you would feel like that's a big deal so i get her but that is not cool. Don't say it out loud. Yeah, tell your girlfriends at brunch. I've definitely said in my mind, I can't believe, not for this person, I can't believe I'm sleeping with this person. They're way too hot for me. Yeah, but you don't say that to them. Say it out loud. Don't let them know that they've got the power.

Yeah, the power. The power of him. Or remind them how much better they are than you. They might start getting ideas. No, no, it's about the right level, babe. Yeah, this is fine. We're even. Yeah, we're both soft sevens, high sixes,

and we're meant for each other. Yeah. I do love to see that, actually. Do you? It's very good, yeah. It makes me laugh every time. What else do you love to see? Jack Nuzzo in our Facebook group.

Big tarpa. Big Nuzzi. Nuzza doer. Posted in our Facebook group. Big tarpa. Big nutsy. Nutso doer. Posted in our Facebook group this week and said, I made a custom card for my best friend's birthday. We both listened to the pod religiously. And safe to say she was beyond rapt about this card. And Jack has posted photos of this card.

Oh, I did see this in the group. And so he's crafted, which is very Tony Lodge, a card, a big yellow card with my face on it. And it's an aggressive face as well. It is, and it says, Happy Birthday, mate. You'll love to see that. However, the face you're pulling acted out in that

face. Happy Birthday, mate. You'll love to see that. I thought it was a bit more aggressive. Happy Birthday, mate. You'll love to see that. I thought it was a bit more aggressive. Happy birthday, mate. You love to see that. No, because you can see that I'm like smiling. Okay, yeah. I do love that though.

But on the inside, it's got another picture of me going like this. Can I see your book in there as well? Yeah, and it says, I heard it was your birthday, so I wrote you a book about my life. Sorry it's not ready yet, but you'll get it in March. You don't love to see that. So Jack not only made this card, but pre-ordered the book for his best friend. You love to see that.

You fucking love to see that. And then a picture of me with a crown on the back. Would you like me to buy you a copy? No. Maybe you could buy yourself a copy and all your friends. I've already read it. Oh, so you're not going to buy a copy? Actually, I was thinking that the other day.

Because I've read your book. Because I read the it. Oh, so you're not going to buy a copy. Actually, I was thinking that the other day because I've read your book because I read the manuscript. Is that the word? I guess so. Do I then still have to buy the book? Is it a nice thing to do for friends? Or is it like, well, you've read it. I guess it's like a nice thing to do, but I don't expect anybody, like even my family the other day,

were like, oh, we'll pre-order it. I was like, you don't have to. Do you get free copies? I get like five, I think. Five? Yeah, I like don't. Oh, I think it's 10. I think I get 10 don't have to. Do you get free copies? I get like five, I think. Five? Yeah. I think I get ten and that's it. I assumed you would just be like, yeah, a hundred and they go, cool, I'll be there tomorrow.

No. Really? No. So if I want more than that, I have to buy them. Mate. Yeah. And let me just tell you. How about I just print off a fucking Word document?

Yeah. I own it. I made it. How about I just print it off? We've gone Yeah. I own it. I made it. How about I just print it off? We've gone down to Officeworks. Anyone who wants a copy. Who wants a PDF version? Oh, I might love to see it.

I can't actually do that. Please don't ask me to do that. Well, you can. No, I can't. But you physically can. No, because I don't own it anymore. Yeah, but you could, though. Does that sound like something that Tony Lewis Lodge would do? No, but I mean, you physically can. Yeah. Maybe morally, ethically, legally you could, though. Does that sound like something that Tony Lewis Lodge would do?

No, but I mean, you physically can. Maybe morally, ethically, legally you can. Legally is the big one. But physically, you could walk down to Officeworks and print it out. Move on. I'd drive. You live so close. Okay.

Well, I'm carrying all that paper back. You think I'm going to fucking risk dropping that in a puddle? Hardcover, please. Hardcover. I might have done this one before, but I'm going to say it again. As you love to say it. Yeah. Because I did this the other night.

A Smarties chocolate block. I saw this on your Instagram story. Agree. It's fucking great. It is so good. Do you agree? Such an underrated chocolate bar. Thank you.

Do you know what else is a really underrated chocolate bar? Crunch. The other Nestle one. Are we on the same wavelength? Holy fuck. Did you? Were you going to say the same thing? That's my favourite chocolate bar.

It is so fucking good and so underrated. The bits of biscuit in there and air or some shit. And it's like a thinner chocolate as well. Like, you know how at Easter you can get Easter eggs? Do they have a crunch Easter egg? I don't think so. But how the chocolate's, like, thinner, it's more enjoyable than, like, a block of chocolate.

Facts. Straight facts. 100%. Now, I totally hear you on the Smarties block. If you don't know what a Smarties, is it fair to say Smarties in popular culture would be, like, maybe a poor man's M&M? It's a different thing. Would you say it's... But, yes, that would be like maybe a poor man's M&M. It's a different thing. Would you say it's...

But yes, that would be the closest. It's like a flat, like a round chocolate button in candy. So this stranger messaged me last night, and I know we talked about Antwerp and the drugs earlier. So sorry, this is a drug heavy episode. Yeah. Well, drug heavy hosts. So you know how, like the opposite of alcohol that recreational drugs

make you not want to eat? You know the stereotype that you don't eat? Oh, yeah. When you're on alcohol you're like, let's get a kebab or a pizza. When you're on alcohol. Or if you like smoked weed, you'd have the munchies. But like all other well, yeah, because opioids like

yeah, that's how it works. So I'm assuming this is a compliment for the Smarties chocolate that I put on, I posted on Instagram, and this person replies and says, oh, that chocolate is so good, I've eaten it whilst high. And I was like, do you work in advertising, bro? Because put that on the TV ad. Are you from Mad Men?

Right? BBDR, I've had it in here fucking high off. It's that German working in Antwerp who's that on the TV ad. Are you from Mad Men? Right? BB Dior. How did you fucking hire? It's that German working in Antwerp. He's eating all the goods. He's going, man, I'm not going to eat for 15 days, but this chocolate. But this is doing it for me. This is fucking good.

This is really doing it for me. Have you had some of this chocolate? Because this chocolate's really good. Have you had some? You know? And I saw that and I was like, yeah. Nothing could stop me from fucking eating that. Called Donald Draper. Is that the guy in Mad Men? No, I don't know. What's his name and I was like... Yeah. Nothing could stop me from fucking eating that. Call Donald Draper.

Is that the guy in Mad Men? No, I don't know. What's his name? I've never seen it. Jon Hamm. Call Jon Hamm. I think his character's Draper. The football player?

No, you're thinking of Sam Draper. Oh. Hang on. Don Draper. Don Draper. You said Donald Draper. Well, I'm sure it's short for something. Donald Draper. Don Draper. You said Donald Draper. Well, I'm sure it's short for something. Donald Draper.

Sorry. That's your second Donald impersonation this episode. You're beautiful. You're absolutely beautiful. And you are none from two. I'm pretty sure that that is a Donald Trump quote. I mean, he's probably said the word beautiful, but I don't know if it's a quote.

Yeah, but he says that. You're beautiful. You're absolutely. Okay, it's not coming know if it's a quote. Yeah, but he says that. You're beautiful. You're absolutely... Okay, it's not coming up. It's fine. I'm going to get fucking roasted in the episode thread today. Fuck. Tomorrow on the show, normal or nah, and there's a normal or nah that has split my wife and

I. Your poor wife. Is she okay? I hope so. I hope you got insurance. Well, I hope she does. But she's normal. I am nah.

And it's something that fucking grinds both of our gears every night. Especially after dinner when the lights go out. So you're splitting your wife after dinner? That's not what I said. Oh, okay. Sorry. She goes, I can't believe I'm sleeping with a guy from Tony and Ryan. Yeah, Tony.

I used to work at Star Affair. You from Mildura? Did you used to live in the US? You got a plane? Do you show your wrist for netball? Netball! I'm fucking out of here. This place sucks.

See you tomorrow. I hate every single one of you, except all of you, except Tony. Love you. Fuck, I'm getting roasted in this episode today. Even though I think you're beautiful, you're absolutely beautiful.