Toni and Ryan - At a BBQ and in the bedroom

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

Things you can say at a BBQ and also in the bedroom, plus extra teeth tales. Love ya! Toni x Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Now, Phil, during the week, I accused you in a personalised video of maybe being a filthy. Can you confirm or deny that that is sometimes you? I can be filthy at times. Oh, wow. I'm not afraid to admit Welcome to the show everyone Phil, would you like to approve this episode?

Absolutely, I would love to approve Thank you Hi, it's Phil from Bridgnorth in the UK and I approve this podcast. If there's two things I can guarantee about today's podcast, there will be no debates about the gender pay gap and my mum will not be reviewing theatre. Or mine. Or Tony's podcast. There will be no debates about the gender pay gap. Yeah. And my mum will not be reviewing theatre.

Or mine. Or Tony's mum. No mums will be reviewing any theatre on today's show. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. I'm the vice captain of the ship, Tony. Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Muscles carries the show. Yep, exactly right. Great to have you here. Coming up, what have we got today? A few weeks ago we talked about teeth stories and I've got a bit of a follow-up for one of the questions that we had. It's good. Bad good or good good?

It's educational. No, no. We did education yesterday. Oh, it's not educational. Oh, looking forward to it. You'll get dumb up. Great, great. But first today, things you can say at a barbecue

and also in the bedroom. Would you like me to toss your salad? Sure. You haven't just been to the bathroom, have you? I've used a washcloth in the bathroom. Cool. So I'm just so, as you know, we've received a million comments each about the use of washcloths and the importance of it.

I mean, you're a fan of the towel on the bum, aren't you? This is things you can say at the barbecue and all. Ooh, ooh, that feels really hot. Is that right? No, it's not. Tony, don't talk with your mouth full. I have said that to Tony at a barbecue. And that's all.

I was going to say. Would you mind popping that between my buns? It would be an honour and a privilege. A bit of mayonnaise as well. You'll get there. Yeah, give me three minutes. Whoa! Things really are bigger in Texas.

I'm looking at the wrong area. Whoa! For those playing along at home, originally I was looking at Tony's genital region, which doesn't really make much sense. So then I followed up with looking who was putting themselves inside of me. I've just got a massive fanny. Don't cut that out of context.

Things you can say at a barbecue and also in the bedroom. Fuck. We should do this more often. We should. I actually always think that whenever Torbis and I have a barbecue, I'm like, we should do this. Why don't we have friends over to have barbecues all the time? I mean, obviously at the moment it's like pissing with rain in Melbourne.

Yep. But, like, regular... Why don't more people have BBQs? It's so good. It's the best. Sunday afternoon, settle in, couple of brewskis. Few mates over. How good.

Early dinner, the sun's going down, everyone's gone by 7 o'clock, you're getting ready for the week. Preach it, dog. Yep. Hot dog. Hey, apparently Tony wants it raw. This isn't one. But how do you take your steak?

Steak's his name. Often. Medium rare, what about you? Yeah. Is that just a stock go-to answer, medium rare? I guess so. I think any more than that and you order it in a restaurant or more than that, people judge you.

Yeah. But I'm, yeah, medium rare but on the rarer side. So a medium rare rare. Yeah, a rare medium rare. Yeah, a rare medium rare. Yeah, actually a rare medium rare. But the amount that I want it is often. I don't want it rare.

Don't want it rarely. Yeah. Can I butter your corn cob? I don't know what that means, but it sounds fun, so yes. It's delicious. I've heard. Should we oil it up or just go in dry? Go in dry.

Really? Yep. You heard. Okay. The lady wants what the lady wants. Are you ready for me to flip this over? There's always that moment. Yeah.

Oh, this is great. Yeah. I love it doggy style outside. Excuse me? Excuse me? Just nothing. When Torbs takes you out to that big courtyard. You said you liked the doggy style outside.

Yeah. That's what I... Yeah, but it was just a joke. Sorry. I'd throw those buns on the grill. I've got a condom meant for my sausage. I've got some for my pickles, that's good. Yeah, I'd love a big dill. Wouldn't we all?

That's what her girlfriend says as well. Can anyone smell gas? I fucking hope not. I said I wanted to get this party started, but not like that. Have you ever been with someone and you do a little fart? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And you don't know whether it's better to, like, address it. Are we laughing about this? Yeah. Or are we pretending it didn't happen? Yeah. Do you just kind of keep going, oh, oh, oh, or do you go, oh, I'm sorry?

Or does that, like, take you out of the moment? Oh, my God, you are so awkward. Tell the story. When you said take it out of the moment, it wasn't an issue because, how do I say this, it was the moment. All that built- up pressure, mate. All that built up pressure. Yeah, I know.

And then there's finally the release and just everything. Both sides. We've just relaxed. What a finale. What a finale. Oh, I feel a bit overdressed for this. So how it normally works is all the men just stand around watching while one bloke does all the work.

I've seen that porno. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that porno. Yeah. Do you have the right tools for this job? You know I do, dog. Hot dog.

Yeah. Hot dog, we have a wiener. It's great at the time, but the clean-up. All the charcoal everywhere. Everything smells like gas. Smoke coming out of the room. All your forks are dirty. And you've had so much mayonnaise.

Had the sauce get over there. It's just lovely having a bunch of friends over to do this with. Yeah. Yeah. Sunday afternoon. Sunday afternoon. Home by seven. A few drinks. I thought it was just going to be the sausage today,

but apparently we're going the full spit roast. Have you been to the Eiffel Tower? I haven't, no. That's a real shame. Have you? I've been to the one in Paris. Oh, well, I've been there. Yeah.

Yeah, oh, I've done the Eiffel Tower with my mum. Tony Lodge, don't. I did. I did the Eiffel Tower with my mum. Yep. Mum and I did. I did. I did the awful towel with my mum. Yep. Mum and I did it. Yeah. Yeah.

Was anyone else there? Heaps of people. You'd hope so. Yeah, it was a busy day. Need a buffer. Yeah. And you must have been there as well. It was windy.

Where did you buy all this stuff? I know a guy, Joe, down the road at the market. I've never seen this in IGA. That's interesting, isn't it? And when I ordered it, he's like, whew, big weekend? Nah. Just a normal Sunday night. Everyone's home by seven.

You know what I love? Getting down to basics, just real meat and potatoes. You're a meat and potatoes girl. Yeah, I am. And for when you're done, I've got a napkin and a glass of water. That's actually lovely. That's actually so lovely. Do you have anything stronger?

I've also got some Febreze. Maybe some Terps. What do you call those wet towels? A wet wipe. A wet wipe. Get the grease off. If I had sex with someone and they handed me a wet wipe, can you imagine? G'day, sweetheart. There you go. Can you imagine? G'day, sweetheart.

There you go. Can you imagine the fallout from that? Like, imagine having someone then be like, just like pulling that, yeah, handing it over. Here you go, sweetheart. Well, what's the difference? Because you said a napkin and a glass of water is like a nice touch. Yeah.

Where do you draw the line between the wet white being a bit gross? I mean, aren't they, again, just trying to be considerate? Maybe the napkin isn't so nice. The glass of water is lovely. Okay. And at a barbecue, you do need a napkin. It's shit all over your face. Yes.

Should I put a skewer through this meat? Yes, please. Yeah? Shish kebab. Yeah, okay. The word shish kebab isn't used as much as it should be. I know. It always reminds me of Edward Scissorhands.

You know how he held his hands up and was like, oh, it's shish kebab. When is a shish kebab? Don't know. Don't ask. I don't know. Because am I right that some people will say, like, it's a kebab, but that, shish kebab. When is a shish kebab? Don't know. Don't ask. I don't know. Because am I right that some people will say, like, it's a kebab, but that's not a kebab.

A kebab's a kebab. So a shish kebab is apparently, I'm Googling it, is like the meat and the vegetables and stuff like that. But then also a kebab, when you Google a kebab, it comes up with, like, a Turkish kebab, like, a kebab, like, in pitabab, it comes up with like a Turkish kebab like in pita bread or whatever. Yeah, wrap in the lettuce. But it also comes up with like the kebab skewer thing.

So maybe both is fine. Maybe it's kebab stick. Either way, did you want me to do it for you? Yes. Do it for him. Yes. Yes. You know he's really going for it out the back when you can start smelling smoke.

Friction burn. I don't have any more. Neither do I. We're done. We're both finished at the same time. How beautiful. more. Neither do I. We're done. We're both finished at the same time. How beautiful. Oh. Do you love that?

Sorry, mate. Hello, I'm Phil from Bridge North in the UK, and this is the Tony and Ryan podcast. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Tomorrow on the show, if you and your partner have breakfast together, like Bridget and I have started doing.

Or like housemates. Yep. There's been a toast issue that I need your help with, whether it is normal or whether it's a nah, Ryan, you're in the wrong. Okay. So if you have breakfast with your partner, I'm going to need your help tomorrow on the show. Okay.

A few weeks ago, I can't remember what the context was. I think it was in normal or nah. You told a story from one of our listeners that their mate had a few too many lemonades and fell over in the street and knocked their teeth out on the curb. Yeah. That was Joe. Joe was saying that.

Joe, yeah. And as a good mate, Joe thought, oh, my God, you are so wasted. I'm just going to put you in a cab and send you home. Yep. And to do him a solid, grabbed the teeth off the road, put them in his pocket so that he could go to the dentist or whatever. It turned out that the teeth were actually just like little rocks from the street.

So Joe wasn't maybe the sober person that he thought. Well, he was soberer but not so bar. Yeah, but not sober. Yeah. Anyway, and we got a lot of feedback from that story in the group because it was fucking hilarious. Delivered well from you, told very well from Jo, like just a fucking hilarious story.

And lots of people said if that happens, you should keep your teeth because I said why would you keep them anyway? You can't do anything with them. A lot of people said you should put the teeth in a glass of milk. Yeah, did you see the comments of people said you should put the teeth in a glass of milk. Really? Yeah. Did you see the comments of people saying that? Yeah. Is that because calcium teeth are made out of something?

Mate, your guess is as good as mine. I just thought that that sounded like a lie. It sounded like bullshit. Yeah, because when I was a kid, you know when the tooth fairy comes and you put the tooth under your pillow? Yeah. I always wanted to do that, but my mum said, no, we're not doing that. And she would put my teeth in a glass of water, like on the bench.

In a glass, in water though? Yeah. But just like so that they didn't like dry out or get lost or something. It's like cool, it's in the glass. And then the tooth fairy would take the tooth obviously for her castle and then pop the $2 coin into the water. Into the teeth water. Yeah. That's a bit crazy. So like in the morning I'd get to like then pop the $2 coin into the water. Into the teeth water. Yeah.

That's a bit gross. So, like, in the morning I'd get to, like, tip all the water out and catch the money and then, like, pop it in my purse or whatever. And where was the glass? On the bench, like, in the kitchen. Is it fair to say... You've got to be wary. You don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and fucking take a gulp.

You don't want to take a gulp in the middle of the night. I also think that that method makes it a lot easier for the fairy. Because, I mean, heaven forbid we would wake you up in the night. You know what I'm saying? Because under your pillow. Yes. I don't want to interrupt Tony's beauty sleep. Maybe we'll just leave it in the kitchen because we're a bit

I don't want to say the tooth fairy's lazy, but it just makes it a lot easier for her. Is you, what? Oh, my God, I never even thought about that. Think about how hard it would be for the tooth fairy to get it from under your pillow. Tony's just having a moment here.

I mean, you've got to take care of that tooth fairy. She's got a lot of places to get to. She's busy. I literally have never thought about that before. My mum said it needs, like, leave it in the bin, on the bench, because then it, like, won't dry out and it won't get locked. I can't even confront her about it. Okay.

Some things you take to the grave. Literally. Okay, anyway. If you could ask her one thing. Oh, don't. This is so, that's so tough. Would it be the tooth fairy? I feel like.

I've just got one question. Yeah. Can you imagine that, though? We somehow rig up this phone to wherever she is. And I'm like, so the Tooth Fairy, what do you reckon? What's the go there? Yeah. Anyway, I'll have a fucking midlife crisis elsewhere.

Let's talk back to the teeth. Please. So anyway, that's what I used to do. The teeth were going to dry out. We both said, why would you keep the teeth anyway? Apparently they can actually put them back in. I got this message from Carly on Patreon and she said, I've got a tooth story for you guys.

My best friend since preschool and I went on a double date to the bowling alley when we were 16. Ooh. Hello. Of course we were trying to be cute and flirtatious. Of course you would be. Carly's friend decides to do a granny shot. You know when you, like, open your legs really wide

and, like, push the ball through your legs? Yep. So instead of, like, bowling it with one hand, you, like, kind of roll it down slowly. Is bowling for a double date kind of cute? You like that for some teenagers? It's a nice break. It's fun and playful.

Yeah, I think it's kind of wholesome as well. Like, it's not, like, there's no pressure. Yeah. And because I think that bowling is, like, a really good equaliser because everyone's wearing the shoes. Everyone's wearing the shoes and everyone's shit at bowling. Like, no one looks good when they're bowling. You know how when you do some

things, it's like some people look good, some people don't. No one looks good bowling. So I think it's a good equaliser. She decides to do a granny shot with her bowling ball down the lane and when she as she bent

over to kind of push the ball, she slipped in the shoes. Because it's slippery and greasy. It's slippery as fuck. Yeah, yeah. No. She slips like her feet kind of like come from under her. Yeah.

And she smashes her face first into the ball, into the bowling ball. Literally rock hard. Yeah. And like a million kilos. That's, like, the feeling I'm feeling now is similar to, like, nails on a chalkboard. Oh, yeah, like, gives you shivers. Yeah.

She turns around with her hand over her mouth and looks at Carly. Yeah. So, like, and you're on a date. So the boys are there. And they're pissing themselves laughing Oh, probably She moves her hand And her two front teeth fall out of the socket hole

Literally like Straight up Teeth just pop out Your front teeth I know What's that? You know that song All I Want For Christmas Is My Tooth

Two front teeth Two front teeth Like one Like each one in a solid piece all the way down to the root. Like literally the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth literally pops out and blood starts pissing out of her mouth. And are the teeth just, are they in the bowl or are they down the alley? So she, as she moved her hand, the teeth fell out into her hand

and she starts like pissing with blood. I freak out, go straight over, grabbed the teeth and a towel for the blood and then they call her dad and say, you've got to come and help us, I don't know what to do. She gets... The friend gets off the phone to dad and the dad says, find a cup of milk.

Really? So dad's also believing this conspiracy theory. Yeah, which I don't know. Anyway, apparently the bowling place had milk and I didn't really get that, but then coffee. Yeah, coffee. They're probably making coffee. Kids would have milkshakes or whatever.

Oh, milkshakes. Yeah, that probably makes more sense. The bowling place had milk and we got a cup and put her teeth in the milk. The friend went with her dad to the emergency dentist and Carly had to take care of everything at the bowling alley and, like, deal with the boys, like send the boys away. She had to deal with those two boys.

Oh, I bet you she did. She actually got her teeth put back in whole and they secured them back in. And since they're dead, they're no longer connected to the root. The teeth will discolour over time and she just gets them touched up, like, once a year to make them look like fresh. A little paint job.

Yep. But they still look white because, you know, of the paint, but they're like a grey colour underneath. But she got to keep like her teeth so her smile looks the same. She didn't have to have like dentures put in or anything. Yeah. But, yeah, apparently the milk thing is like a real thing. It's legit.

And then Carly said the two front teeth are just slightly less white than the rest but she's still beautiful and she's still my best friend. Oh, that is beautiful. Yeah. What happened to the dudes? Well, I would like to know if they ended up getting married. That sounds like a really cute movie story. Yeah, and they got married on the same day, all four of them.

And now they've got kids and they each had twins so now there's like eight of them. Yeah, and they've all got fucked front teeth. Beautiful story. And they love bowling. One day I was in a – I've knocked a guy's front teeth out. What? Yeah.

You punched someone? No, no, no, I didn't punch him. You punched someone? I did not. I'm not a – could you imagine me? No, that's why I'm shocked. Yeah, no. You punched someone and you punch their teeth out.

David Drapak was this guy's name. Oh, he sounds like a cock. Oh, are you friends? Are you friends? Oh, like high school mates, yeah. I haven't seen him for a while. He's a nice guy. Tony's off him.

Doesn't know him. Doesn't sound like a good guy. So we're at the Wave Pool. There was one. This is the Melbourne Sports and Aquatic Centre in Melbourne, Albert Park, near your mate Jane's house. Oh, yeah. I'm seeing Jane tomorrow. Yeah, so there's this the wave pool. There was one. This is the Melbourne Sports and Aquatic Centre in Melbourne, Albert Park, near your mate Jane's house. Oh, yeah. I'm seeing Jane tomorrow.

Yeah, so there's this big wave pool because usually the water just kind of goes up and down, which when you're floating and you're kids, it's fun, but you want to, like, catch the waves when you're a teenage boy. So you get into the rough corner and you're up against the wall and you can actually catch the wave. And so you kind of see it coming and you go, one, two, three, here we go. And, like, you've got to get the timing right and go.

Oh, yeah. So Dave Drapak and I, we both jumped for the same wave and he gets under me because it's only a thin, narrow bit where you can catch the wave. So you were surfing Dave? Well, kind of. But when he jumped in, I jumped on top of him and we thought we were going to be, you know, we messed it up. And I hit the back of his head and his face went into the bottom

of the pool and just smashed his front teeth out. And so if you've been to the Melbourne Sports and Aquatics Centre, Dave's teeth are probably still in there somewhere because it's just like and he just came up with his hand over his mouth. I was like, oh, mate, I landed on you. What happened? And then he goes, oh, I think I hit my teeth. And then he looked at me and I just saw the big gap in his front teeth

and was like, oh, my God. Fuck off. Yeah. Both of them? One hole and then another snapped. So it was like one and a half kind of. Oh, my God. The same with Carly and David Drapak.

Don't know about him. But imagine getting home and being like, mum, look what fucking happened. Well, there was a bit of beef because we were playing volleyball there at the Sports and Aquatic Centre. It was like a school trip, so the school was a bit like, are we liable because you guys were being dickheads in the pool? But I mean, that's what it's for. But it was like between games and we were like, hey,

should we just go for a swim? Like ducking, sneaking. I don't even know if they knew, if they knew we were there. So there was a bit of repercussion. Did you get in trouble? Did your mum have to pay for the tea? I don't know. I don't think so.

We're not calling her again. We might have offered, no. We're not calling her again. We're not calling her. Have you knocked anyone's teeth out? You getting any lunchtime brawls in Rollystone? It's not teeth, but I did break a girl's elbow once. What?

You snapped it off? Yeah. What's that thing in wrestling, an arm bar? I don't. You're asking the wrong person. I don't know. But, yeah, I broke her, like, snapped her arm basically in half. What did she say to you first?

We were playing AFL. Really? Yep. And you broke her arm. in half. What did she say to you first? We were playing AFL. Really? Yep. And you broke her arm. And I broke, yeah. I knew you'd pretend you're not sporty, but I reckon you get white line fever. Yeah.

You get a little bit competitive. I'm nasty. She probably said something and you were like, next time I get the chance to tackle this. No, she fucking fell wrong. She fell wrong. I tackled, so I tackled. I tackled her straight into the ground face first and she fell wrong.

Is that what I'm hearing? Semantics. Basically, Rachel. She deserved it. I fucking hate her. But, yeah, and, like, literally the whole afternoon all of the boys were like, what did you do? It was probably my hottest day at school.

Yeah. Everyone thought I was pretty cool after that. Even if it was my hottest day at school. Yeah. Everyone thought I was pretty cool after that. Even if it was a mistake and she fell. Yeah. If the guys go, what do you do? You should have just gone to them going, don't fuck with me. Could you imagine that? That's hot.

Literally, everyone was all over me. It was like cool because it was like, oh, you know, how sporty people are like cool. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone thought I was sporty for a day. So what? Tell me what happened then.

So literally, we were playing AFL and I really like playing AFL. So I was super into it. I had like studs on and everything. Really? Like it was like a real thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you reckon, I mean, you often mention that you're 15 years younger than me. Yep.

Not true, by the way. But, I mean, are you still of the age where a comeback is on the cards? Mate, I'm so fucking unfair at the moment. I could not run for fucking 40 minutes. I couldn't run for 10. I barely got through the run that we had to do for Patreon like three months ago. Should we get you just training down the local women's team?

I actually, I really loved playing AFL, but I would not be fit enough now. That's how you go to training. I actually could. I don't think I'd make it through a training session. But I used to love it. Anyway, I used to love it. And then this one day we were playing.

I, like, tackled her and she fell. There was a few other girls. And, yeah, she, like, snapped her up. They got an ambulance and everything. So what happened? Yeah. What did they call? The paramedic car.

And what's that called? The paramedic car. So when's that called? The paramedic car. So when her arm broke, did someone yell out, Get the paramedic car! They did not. Oh, shit. I find that saying paramedic car rolls off the tongue better. I disagree.

Well, for you it does. I agree with that. What do you love to see? You know how every group chat there's like one person that just doesn't get involved? Yep. Do you know this concept? Yep.

Have you seen this posted online? Oh, I haven't seen it posted online, but, yeah, I know what you're talking about. There's always one person that never replies, but when they do, it just sets them off. Yep. We had this group chat the other day with the basketball crew. Oh, yep.

Your lads that you play basketball with in puns week. And one guy hasn't played basketball in years. Right. That's okay. Yep, fine. Two o'clock this weekend. Yeah, that's cool. Let's do it.

Old mate rolls in. It sends the group wild. They are like a celebrity. You can't wait to tell everyone the group chat's like, oh my god! How good is this? Everyone get around it. So I want you to think about the group chats that you're in. Yep. And think about that one person that's just loitering

around, probably reading the things and not contributing. I reckon it's time to call them out. There's a challenge for everyone today. Just go, hey, by the way, Tony, how have you been? I like that. Get one of those ones. You'll love to see it. And when they comment, it sends the group wild.

They are like a celebrity because you're like, oh, you play so cool. The elusive. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I'm all about it. My love to see it is this tweet that I saw. This woman called Elizabeth puts peanuts out on her patio every morning for the birds.

And the birds, like, kind of come around and they peck around at the peanuts. They're like, I don't know about that. And they've started bringing her elastic bands. She said, I don't speak bird, but what could this mean? And do I have to eat the elastic bands? Here's a little photo of, like, there's, like,

multiple, like, multicoloured elastic bands. So they're obviously just finding in places. Yeah, and all of the comments were people saying, like, obviously the birds, like, don't come across elastic bands very often. The same with your peanuts. So they're seeing the peanut as, like, a high-value item. So they're seeing the peanut as like a high-value item. So they're giving Elizabeth a high-value item back. Elizabeth, we too have stumbled upon some rare items.

Yeah. And in this antiques exchange, we present to you the elastic band. Yeah. Isn't that so cute? So literally Elizabeth is just putting all these peanuts out. I don't know if peanuts are even good for birds. Well, apparently they love them, though. Yeah.

Doesn't mean it's good for them, but they do love them. Yeah, don't hold me to that. Please do not at me if that's the wrong thing to give a bird. This is just the tweet that I saw. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. The twee nuts. Anyway, but, yeah, I just thought that was such a sweet little exchange.

Obviously not great that birds can access elastic bands in the wild. That's probably people littering. Well, at least they're getting rid of them. Yeah. I thought that was so cute. That is beautiful. I do love to see that. Yeah.

I'm going to bring you an elastic band next time I see you because that's how much I love you. Oh. What? Oh. Like a wolf whistle? Like a sexy one? Oh. Like a wolf whistle? Like a sexy one? Okay.

Love you, bye.